#idk….i got kinda self aware tonight and i don’t think i like it but fuck it we ball

[americanprometheuss]

i love it when the voices start speaking to me and they make me realize that the reason i sympathize and feel bad for alicent’s children is because i AM alicent’s children.

i’m the child being overlooked in favor of someone else, the ones who have to watch their mother beg for their father to realize that his inactions are harming me. the one being scorned and sneered upon while being told that my father figure isn’t my father, he’s my authority figure, the one who holds the rod instead of being my nurturer.

i’m aemond after he loses his eye, and is watching alicent beg for viserys to do something to help him. i’m aegon slowly wasting away as he tries to live up to the mantle of king that was forced on his head. i’m heleana who speaks of the misfortunes of her family but is ignored and pitied.

i feel like every person who has been emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. abused in their childhood can find pieces of themselves within each of the green children because they’re just the beacon and poster child of how the same abuse can make so many different types of adults.

[kachulein]

... Long rant incoming ...

There's been a topic I've been wanting to rant about for years but always kinda chickened out of it. Tonight, I got really agitated about it out of the blue but once again, I decided against speaking up and instead went to go watch a video. And guess what, the youtuber in that video said exactly what I've been wanting to rant about (the video wasn't about said topic btw). So I kind of took this as a sign to speak up and rant.

What the youtuber said was as follows:

"I find it really strange that people don't believe pretty people can be insecure."

And this is honestly the sad truth. Yes, I am aware that pretty privilege exists and I've been frustrated about that for a vast number of times myself but this is not the focus of what I want to talk about in this post.

I've noticed that the so to speak "pretty people" don't always get the longer end of the stick. When someone is viewed as "pretty", most people automatically believe that they must love themself and have an amazing life. "Pretty people" aren't allowed to be sad, to have insecurities or to struggle with their mental health. When they try to speak up about their struggles or insecurities, their feelings are very often invalidated because "A pretty person like you has no business being insecure/unhappy. If you call yourself ugly, just think about all those people who aren't as pretty as you, what would they have to say? Should they just hide in a corner crying all day? You should feel lucky". As if being pretty is the utmost goal in life and apparently also a natural protection against insecurity and mental health problems.

This mindset is so harmful.

Mental illness and insecurities don't discriminate, they can affect anyone regardless of who they are or what they look like and whether other people perceive them as "pretty" or not. It seems as though you're only allowed to struggle if you're "ugly". But then again, who the fuck decides over what is "ugly" and what is "pretty"? Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and what Person A finds beautiful doesn't have to align with what Person B finds beautiful (and isn't that a beautiful thing in and of itself? That all of us find beauty in different things and people, and that this way, everyone has someone somewhere on this earth that thinks they're beautiful?).

People need to realize that only because they think someone is good-looking, the person in question might not share the same opinion. You might find beauty in someone else but they might be unable to see that same beauty within themself. Imagine you'd go to your friend and be like "I think you're so pretty, so from now on, you're not allowed to have any insecurities anymore and if you try to tell me about them, I won't take you seriously because you're so pretty". That would be such a dick move, wouldn't it? So why can't we just learn to take people's insecurities and struggles seriously regardless of what someone looks like? Why is measuring someone's level of attractiveness an appropriate way of deciding how valid someone's struggles are?

There's actually a song that I really enjoy that kind of talks about this topic. It's called "Pretty Head" by Transviolet. There's a line saying "And I'm so happy, 'cause aren't all the pretty girls happy?" And this really hit home for me when I've listened to this song for the first time a few years ago. I started to really think about this line and realized that when we see a person we think is pretty, we automatically assume that, idk, they must be having a great life, 'a better life than we do', a loving family and loving friends, a loving partner, a lot of self-love and healthy habits and a lot of money, etc. But why do we associate all of that with attractiveness? Because of pretty privilege, maybe? It just doesn't hold true for everyone and we shouldn't discuss one end of the stick and ignore the other.

Dismissing someone's struggles and insecurities, not even specifically related to appearance but in general, can be so harmful. It leaves the struggling person feeling so alone and alienated from other people. Knowing that they're not being taken seriously/that their struggles are being invalidated may cause them to stop opening up and eventually bottling everything up and just further isolating themself from others. It can make someone feel so alone with their struggles, feeling like there's no one there to listen to them, to support them, to share their feelings with. It's a very lonely place and I just think we should give everyone the chance to be listened to, regardless of what they look like or who they are.

Alrighty, this was a long rant and I'm sorry it's so emotionally charged. It's a very personal issue for me and I've just wanted to put in my own two cents. If you read all of this, thank you, I really appreciate it, and you!

TL;DR: People can struggle and feel insecure regardless of how conventionally attractive they're deemed as. Their appearance shouldn't be the judge of whether their struggles and insecurities are valid or not. Anyone can have insecurities and struggles and everyone should get a chance to open up and express themselves without being dismissed and having their feelings invalidated.

To end this on a more positive note: Make sure you check out "Pretty Head" by Transviolet, it's a really cool song. <3

[novannna]

⭐ for the cs fic u recently posted !!

(fic is here)

ooh idk why i wrote the fic, but i had been rewatching cs, and really wanted to write one. im not even sure if i knew where i was going with it, just i wanted to do something w her trauma.

obviously, VILE was a huge part of her life, and in the show they never really showed her reaction to realizing how bad they were, as well as the emotions she was probably struggling to comprehend. I really wanted to write something that kinda explored deeper into that.

carmen always takes everything on herself, and doesnt ever want to admit weakness. She thinks that she has to be good enough, she can't fail. obviously, very unhealthy, and i was trying to show how that was sending her into a spiral. VILE manipulated her so much, and i choose to believe that they taught that things like asking for help, or showing emotions wasn't acceptable, so she wasn't opening up to zach or ivy, and kept pushing herself harder and harder, past her breaking point.

also. obsessed w this line: "Carmen rubbed her eyes tiredly.  What did it matter?  She’d stop falling apart well before Ivy and Zach got up.  She’d pull herself together for them, show the strong, infallible Carmen Sandiego they knew.  Not the weak, useless mess VILE made her.

No, VILE hadn’t made this.  VILE had made a hardened thief, a talented, stoic, emotionless criminal.   They would never claim Carmen as something of their making, not if they saw her now.  Not if they saw how low she’d fallen." because she's thinking she's not even good enough for VILE idk just trauma <3 (also self projecting but shhh we dont talk ab that)

not hugely relevant, but carmen fighting tigress and mime bomb was probably one of the first encounters carmen had with them, and so just getting used to her not being black sheep, and tigress purposefully calling her the wrong name. i think im funny

more back to the trauma. ANYWAYS carmen obviously has reached a limit, and she makes a mistake, and people get hurt, which is terrible for her already terrible mental health, she blames herself, she shouldve been better, whatever. also, she gets p hurt. and when zach and ivy are there when she wakes up, i was trying to show how carmen thought theyd be upset at her, that theyd blame her, bc ofc she thought it was all her fault. And she's so confused on why they don't want her to be perfect, why they don't hold her to such high standards.

carmen thinking that she was vile, she was a bad person, who hurt others, is there mostly for the pain but also she has so much trauma im so sorry carmen didn't mean to hurt you this much in this fic </3

idk how well it came across, but since carmen had such a bad expierience w her last family, i think she'd be reluctant to join a new one, and not want to get zach and ivy hurt, but zach and ivy are telling her she doesn't get to choose whether or not they want her, they've already chosen her, she just needs to choose them to. they'll care about her no matter what, she deserves their love.

"Carmen rested her head back down.  “I won’t.  I promise.”  She let her eyelids flutter shut, acutely aware of the siblings watching her.  But, she found, she didn’t mind.  Because it meant there were at least two people in the world who cared about her maybe-not-so-worthless self.

Carmen didn’t know whether she’d actually keep her promises.  But she knew she’d try her absolute fucking best.  She had a new family, and this one, though a bit battered and bruised, was hers, and this time she was determined to keep it."

i also really like this part, bc this is showing how she's letting herself be more vulnerable around them, and she's realizing what it means to have people truly love you. and she's starting to understand she is worth more than VILE told her. And also, acknowledging the fact she promised to try to not push herself and take on the world alone, but she was so used to doing that, she wouldn't always go to the others, but she'd try, and thats what mattered. and also, just accepting that she had a family now, and they were a mess, but it was actually real, not abuse that she'd been manipulated into thinking was love.

ahhh im so sorry this is actually a mess, i wasn't doing much thinking while writing this, and everythings kinda scattered everywhere but yeah!!! Carmen's got trauma!!! this is kinda long and incomprehensible, apologies, im a mess tonight

[medieval-canadian]

c, x, y

alright. time for a break. there’s one other ask that i’ll save to answer later tonight, but this was the first one i got [edit, now there are two!]. anon, you really just went straight for it, didn’t ya 👀 (from this list)

coming back up to say HO BOY it’s diary time!!! you opened a can o’ worms, anon, and i’m sleep-deprived and my mental state is questionably stable because of the whole grading situation. check out my word vomit. yikes. sorry.

C - how long it’s been since i’ve been kissed

aw, fuck. i had not thought about this before now and the answer is just... unbelievably sad. makes me sad to say that it’s been literal years since i’ve been kissed (not counting like, cheek bussing at family holidays or whatever, which i’m assuming is not the kind of thing we’re talking about). and i’m not using “literal” in the non-literal sense. i think it’s five years, if not longer. that’s so fucking sad.

X - 3 turn ons

umm. okay. so like, physically speaking? or like general things that might attract me to a person? or like.... kinks? lmao. maybe we’ll do one of each, in the spirit of brutal honesty. okay i’m just gonna say that i am not straight but i do lean towards men. i don’t know how much of that is like, social conditioning and whatnot (probably a lot). i don’t really care, it is what it is and i’m not apologizing for it. okay. that said:

not to be super predictable about it, but i like tall, solid guys. i am v smol. it’s a thing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ also, every single man in my family (the side that i grew up seeing/knowing)--i’m talking my grandfather, my dad, my uncles, my cousins, everyone--is like, a minimum of 6′ tall. my bro is the shortest of all the cousins and he is 5′10 i think. so i’m just used to being dwarfed by men? idk. whatever.

generally, one of the most attractive things to me is gentleness. but like... confident gentleness? like the kind that shows that he knows his own power (physically, institutionally, socially, etc.) and is aware of it and cares enough to modulate it. idk if that makes any sense. just be tender, and my heart’s a puddle.

okay now i AM gonna be even more predictable and shit but like.......... pick me up & put me where you want me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (once we know each other well enough and have talked about these things and can communicate with each other)

Y - 3 turn offs

i can’t really follow the same format as above for this one, cause like, i can’t really say that there are any specific or particular physical qualities or whatever that can be put on a list like this.

major big huge turn off, like i may end up getting freaked out and semi-ghosting level turn off, is (and it’s kinda stupid) like... intense interest? in me romantically? like the reason online dating never ever works for me is cause we meet up and then the dude texts me later that day being like, “i had a great time today, i really like you, when can i see you again” and i go into fight or flight mode and get all, “WHOA buddy pump the BRAKES.” the idea of someone meeting me and immediately knowing that they want to pursue me romantically squicks me out. like, you don’t even know who or how i am? basically the only way for things to work out for me would be to be stealth-dated lmao. or going the whole friends-to-lovers route, but i have like 8 friends and most of them are straight women or happily partnered. now y’all know what i mean when i talk about my chances.

lack of confidence. sometimes i feel bad about this one because i get that people can’t necessarily help it. but obviously i don’t mean being self-conscious about one thing. i mean the more overwhelming kind of lack of confidence where i end up being like, “in charge” because i’m the kind of person who will usually hold back for a bit to see if anyone else steps up, and when they don’t i’ll take charge. and that’s fine in a relationship if there’s give and take, but i cannot stand being relied on for this all the time (i speak from experience).

aggression. just automatic nope, nope, nope gtfo i’m gone byeeee. and i test for it. if i meet a dude in a bar or whatever, one of the first things i’ll do is tease/poke fun at something. his reaction tells me a lot. i don’t even really do this deliberately, it’s partly just who i am (the poking fun) and partly subconscious (gauging reactions). 

there we go, friend. i just spent half an hour on this instead of grading. thank you for the distraction, i made a terrible decision but i am grateful for your participation nonetheless. now i’m going to go be haunted by my first answer while trying to keep grading 🙃

[neo-shitty]

reading drown made me remember how much music personally means to me. i used to have a hard time sleeping back in 6th grade to the point that it badly affected my studies bc for some reason im wide awake at night, felt tired but still fully awake which made me unable to focus in school. so of course i researched what i can do since i didnt want to tell my parents (nasa google kaya lahat 😌) long story short, try listening to music daw 😭 so i did bUT since listening to music wasnt really my hobby, i didnt know what type i should start off and at that time, kpop just recently became big LMAO it was like around 2017 i think. so i liSTENED TO EXO since it was the group that i have been hearing around school AHAHAHAHA the song was baby, dont cry btw. it worked surprisingly, music does calm one's nerves. i didnt understand the lyrics ofc but just by the melody, it made everything around me peaceful. whenever i feel anxious, sad, or stressed, music is the way to go :"> SO EON STORY KO PANO AKO NAGING KPOP FAN 😭😭😭 parinig aq ng iyo po 🙇

pero ofc there were times when it was pointless. there were times na listening to music just made everything worse, it would just be another noise that would frustrate me more. kAYA ANG NEED DITO IS ANO TALAGA U KNOW OO ung pwede mong sandalan hahahaha kaso wala ako non :"> so while reading napapa "sige chan ahhaha sana ol sige sana ol may y/n ng buhay nila hahaha" pero real talk, it would be nice to have someone you can share all your worries with without feeling guilty of wasting their time kaya stray kids hopefully you wont be afraid to love someone freely 😌

uy pati nakakaqiqil si jae dito >:( pero no, bias ko pa den siya sa day6 <3 and the scene where chan was guiding reader along while she was riding his skateboard is so cute huhu ,,, lia is the mc in checkmate, correct?

para akong ewan kc you posted this 11 pm right? i always like reading/watching while lying down sO humiga ako kaso pagkahiga ko, inaantok ako agad :"> enjoying something while youre at your most comfortable position feels so ✨heavenly✨ but it makes me too comfy that it drowns me in sleepiness. like i need to sleep muna bago ako maka focus 100% sa ginagawa ko lmao eh since end of the day eon, pagod aq :"< SMALL RANT LNGS KC BIGLA KO NAPANSIN KAGABI HAHAHAHAHA actually pati this afternoon, manonood sana ako hometown chachacha kaso pagkabagsak ko, tulog. kaya tinuloy ko na lang after an hour of sleep huhu

speaking of hometown, im on ep 10 and its the first ep where seungmin's ost was showcased ! im really excited marinig siya later pag finish ko nung ep na eon. BY THIS TIME EP 12 KA NA NOH?? HOPEFULLY EHE EHE and yes justice para sa mga nababastos >:( daming cases here in our school last f2f tbh. ewan like kadalasan, based on my experience, sinisisi nila sa pananamit ng mga babae 👁️👄👁️ i watched a video/show wherein a boy got caught sexualizing ung kaklase niyang girl tas he defended himself by saying na ang ikli ng skirt ni ate girl but thats literally their uniform , scary honestly

pati ify sa ipis, idk why but im more scared sa ipis than mga daga kc naman ang ipis parang gagamba, bigla biglaan na lang mawawala :"> AH SO UN NGA DI AKO NAKAPUYAT AHHAHAHAHAHAHAH PERO WANT KO NA ULE 😭 anong oras ka natulog?

i just realized then, almost all my feedbacks (?) rants abt your works, may included back story ko HAHAHAH like sa obliviate, harry potter kemene. sa on the ride home, yung untog series q. tas dito sa drown -> ^^^ syempre sa checkmate di ako relate kc di pa naman aq pumapanaw Y^Y

btw how was your day? pag gising ko sa umaga dumeretso aq proj, sipag i2. advance happy eating for dinner !

HAPPY CHANNN DAYYY ,, ayos na daw kurtina nila di ko pa nakikita pero inayos daw ni chan 😌👌

- 👻

glad i came home to a whole ass diary entry today omg owo

6TH GRADE HELP ISNT THAT LIKE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE AMNESIA ;n; hala baka magfalse diagnosis ka sa gogol ha, tell your parents next time kung may ano. oh yeah, mas better talaga kung di mo naiintindihan yung lyrics? bc you don't have to think of the lyrics too. music stopped working as a lullaby for me when quarantine started so i resorted to yt vids. but i still go for music whenever my self-esteem is low. noise music really boosts it *u* exo-l ka pa ba now? or you didn't stan? sinu-sino nga pala stinastan mo omg?

dude my story started in g2 when i heard fire by 2ne1 on the MIT top 20 of myx. i was quite a casual kpop fan up until late g10 when i started memorizing members (which i didn't do bc i was really just in it for the music not the groups).

HAJSHJAH truly tho it's nice to have someone around :'( namimiss ko na rin yung time na may 'y/n' ako but it's been so long that i'm fine on my own na HAJHAJ JAE IS MY BIAS TOO BUT ANTAGONIZING HIM WAS FUN. t'was bc of this vid (around the 28:18 to 29:20 mark; literally the inspo for the whole fic). yep, lia's checkmate's mc! the part abt guiding sa skateboard happened to me irl HIHIH #kilig #reminiscing kakamiss f2f

yeah at 11pm. i think i posted it too late bc it's not doing too well notes wise but whatever, it's chan day. HAHAH glad you slept easily though! MY BIGGEST SANA ALL. i slept at 3 na kanina bc i was either too hot or too cold.

how long is the kdrama? also i'm really proud of seungmin for scoring that ost :'( go get it, vocal king. NAUR I DIDNT GET TO FINISH THE ANIME BC I WENT AND WATCHED BSD KDJSKLJ i'll try and finish it tonight (bc i was out the whole day + i might be writing later) i fucking hate men. icb i'm at the point where i'm torn abt having a bf bc i kinda want a man but they're disgusting as hell???? it's hard to find the good ones nowadays.

mga ipis kasi feeling butterfly jsdhjfh at least yung daga aware ka kung asan ;n; IM SCARED OF SPIDERS TOO JDSKFJ wag ka magpuyat l8r kasi monday pero eh depends pa rin sau

oo nga pansin ko din yung back stories but they're interesting to read naman so i don't mind !! SANA DI KA TALAGA MAKARELATE SA CHECKMATE JUSQ do not claim the negative energy from that fic

we went to my mom's office earlier bc she wasn't feeling great and she couldn't come home yet kasi nakabubble siya doon. we just go thome tapos yown diretso answer sa ask HAHAH magtstsaa palang aq mamaya pa ata dinner namin mga 7 pero yeah advance happy eating din sayo!

AND YES HAPPY CHAN DAY <333 lol narealize ko lang both my ults had sunday birthdays this year o.O and OO HAJSHJAH i watched the chan's vlog last night (partly the reason why napuyat ako) and inayos niya yung curtain sa bandang huli <//3 can't tease them anymore HMP

[hurlumerlu]

You already know who ;) Cad, Molly and Nott ?

Get ready for a novel !

Caduceus :D

Sexuality Headcanon : That man is G.A.Y. I’m hesitant to put him somewhere on the ace spectrum because I’m not ace myself and I feel like headcanoning sheltered, soft, slightly “weird” characters as ace comes with a lot of bagages (and there’s also fandom’s history of treating gay sex as icky/weird/not pure enough) but I’m drawn to that headcanon nonetheless. Gender Headcanon : He’s not super aware of his own gender, but if you actually ask him he would identify as a man. After a very longue pause. And he would probably thinks it’s kinda rude of you to ask. A ship I have with said character : I low-key ship everyone (but Beau) with him. He just has this very easygoing chemistry with pretty much everyone ? Except with Nott but I can see the two of them in a trouple with Yeza (they’re not sure how they got there ? but it works ?). But like who am I kidding, we all know I’m super into Fjord/Caduceus. The care ! The respect ! The awkwardness ! This is going to devolve into a Fjord/Caduceus manifesto so I’ll stop there. BROTP I have with said character : God squad ! The dynamic between Caduceus, Jester and Yasha is amazing, very tender  and supportive but also extremely fertile ground for wacky shenanigans, they straight up don’t speak the same language, I love them. I’m also very curious to see more interraction between him and Beau, partly because I love the way Taliesin and Marisha play off each other, but also partly because Cad’s very supportive of Beau and she seems a bit... distant ? with him ? idk I may be imagining things. A NOTP I have with said character : not really ? I mean Beau’s a lesbian so that would be a big no, but I’ve never seen people shipping them so it’s very theoretical. A random headcanon : He was the kind of kid who raises all sort of “gross” pets growing up. Spiders, snails, cockroaches... he loved them all, but he only kept his beetles. General Opinion over said character : I loved him from his very first sentence and that love have only grown so far ? I’m always a bit wary around very religious characters but with Cad it’s an interesting kind of nervousness rather than a dealbreaker or even a real downside of him. I like that we have completely different viewpoints ! I love how genuinely nice and supportive he is, I love when he does cryptid-level shit, I love his incredible ability to just go with the flow, I love when he gets snide (”sleep well with your bad decisions”) and I just love how well he fits within the Nein (poor dude had a rough start, they really didn’t appreciate him enough at first). I hope he’s going in a direction where he’ll feel more comfortable being cared for (rather than always being the one taking care of), but if he’s not I won’t be disapointed. I hope we also get more angry Caduceus, because that was sexy badass.

Molly :D

Sexuality Headcanon : Bi ! Gender Headcanon : Well he’s canonically nonbinary but I feel like he’s specifically interested in gender as something to subvert. A ship I have with said character : I was slowly getting into Molly/Fjord (I’m not sure they would have managed to encourage the best in each other but they would have been a very fun and hot couple). But, well, RIP. A BROTP I have with said character : Molly and Yashaaaaaaaa T-T. Also Beau and Molly’s relationship was fucking amazing, I still miss it. A NOTP I have with said character : Not really ? Though again, Beau/Molly would piss me off but I haven’t seen that pairing either. A random headcanon : He hasn’t actually had that much sex or many different partners, people just kinda assumed and since most of them seemed to disaprove, he leaned into it. General Opinion over said character : I love how messy and complex he was ! He could have been your usual cliche of a person who perform for a living (vain ! good liars ! egotistic !) but instead was very close in personnality to a lot of performers I actually met (pretending to be vain for fun and because everyone assumes already, lying=/=acting, very community minded because everyone has to pull their weight if you actually want to succeed). His weird relationship with his body/past was also both relatable and strange enough to be extremely engaging and his flaws made him very entertaining, also I think of the scene after the fight with the Manticore where he chats amiably with a bartender and only after that has a quiet mental breakdown over his drink at least once a week. I want to know more about his backstory soooooooo badly.

Nott :D

Sexuality Headcanon : As much as riot’s Beau/Nott headcanon does things for me, I must face the truth : in canon, Nott is incurably straight. Gender Headcanon : Clearly her womanhood is very important to her, but I don’t think she has the healthiest view of what being a woman entail. I just want her to be happy and not constantly doubting her worth T-T A ship I have with said character : Nott/Caleb, Nott/Yeza, Caleb/Nott/Yeza, Nott/Beau and my little crackship Nott/Yeza/Caduceus (and also Nott/Yasha is good, actually ?) A BROTP I have with said character : Caleb was the founder of the Nott stanning club, which demonstrates his good taste and perceptiveness. I also think the various revelations that came along the story made their relationship much less unbalanced and codependant, and thus stronger. But I’m also very partial to Jester and Nott’s friendship. They’re hilarious and sweet, and putting Laura and Sam next to each other was a stroke of genius. A NOTP I have with said character : uH... Nott/Yeza if it means Nott stops adventuring, I’m just not(t) ready for that. But other than that, I don’t have one A random headcanon : I’ve already written this one but like... if something she’s reading makes her feel too much feels she just. straight up it eat. She’s been like that since childhood. General Opinion over said character : ugh... she’s so good... she’s just a walking whirpool of contradictions, if walking whirlpools of contradictions were extremely smart and scientifically minded and fiercely protective of a chosen few people. I was ambivalent on the whole polymorph thing because i really, really love goblins (and have mixed feelings about my love for goblins, but let’s no go there tonight) but I love that she’s still her weird, abbrasive self. Also her design is fucking great. I really want to see her conflict between her desire to keep adventuring and her belief that she should just want to go back to her old life being explored even more than it already has, but if she does stop adventuring I will be heartbroken, I love her so much. EDIT because I was tired but I can’t believe I didn’t mention her voice, it’s so good ! Probably the first thing I loved about her.

thanks <3 <3 <3

[heyiknowu]

idk

hi IDk what exactly what i want to write in this post but tonight i just feel like posting something I can look back on and think why tf did I do that????

ANyway I just read Jess’ 2019 summary and I want to kinda do something similar but maybe not go into so much detail cos that bitch is like a 4U English student.

2019 was a very long a$$ year for me. Mainly because it was the first in a very very long time that I had been unemployed. B dot com was my first real corporate job. I got a real taste of office life, and to be honest, I loved it. Being in the city amongst other adults, and working during office hours is something I absolutely loved because it felt like I had made it. The people I chose to surround myself with also made it 1000x better. ALSO omg I got to travel with expenses covered like yas free holidays am i rite ladies??? To top it all off, I had a steady flow of income. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for me to be able to spend freely. Unfortunately all of these good things still couldn’t make me stay.

Unemployment started off fine. I thought I had done the right thing by quitting a job that made me miserable. As the weeks passed and I was still stuck at home while everyone was on the 9-5 grind, I became more and more aware of the fact that I was a vegetable. A useless lil vegetable...like celery or something (yuk). To this day, I still have no idea what I want to do with my life and it’s scary. I was (and still am) struggling to find the motivation to focus on self-development and ultimately figure out where I want to be in the next few years. To add to that, working @ sp*csav*rs is making me feel too comfortable because money is once again flowing into my account.

The decision to accept the offer to work at Sp*csav*rs was a very difficult one. On top of the LOONNGG commute time, taking the job felt like I was taking a big step back into the world of retail (which I thought I had left behind in 2018). Customer service is a field I’ve been working in since I got my first job, and I am so done with all the different kinds of fuckwits you’d find in a retail environment. Taking the job made me super sad. Day after day I’d come home so exhausted that I wouldn’t even have the energy to start thinking of what I want to do with my career, so I’d be even MORE miserable and it was just a sad vicious cycle. Fast forward to today and.....yeah I’m still pretty fucking lost :( but I have grown to enjoy the company of my workmates and accept that maybe this is what I need for a while before I have my next big realisation.

My UH-MAY-ZING support network has helped me understand and accept that quitting B dot com was the best thing I could have done for myself, because it’s the first step in moving forward and figuring out what I want to do for the rest of my life. Taking this job doesn’t mean I’ll be dealing with I-am-the-customer-respect-me-pls customers for the rest of my life. I don’t think I give myself enough credit for all the things I have done for myself to reach this point, and this year I want to be more confident in my decisions.

i KNOW this post is v random pls forgive me this is literally my first ever wall-of-text blog post. If you’re reading I hope you have an amazing 2020 and who knows maybe i’ll write another one soon idk i’ll see how i feel :P

peace out ladies

[iheardarumorxxx]

Midnight Sun, Chapter 7 - Melody

Surprise bonus chapter tonight. Normally I do two a day, but I had extra coffee today so I’m ready to go, let’s recap this trash.

Aaaaand we start with Weirdo brooding in the car and sniffing up all the Bella smell in it. Thanks, I hate it. 

And do you wanna know what our favorite little Pire is brooding about in the car while he waits for his siblings to finish up their last class of the day? He’s sitting in the car, wondering if Bella thinks he’s pretty. I wish I was kidding, but no, this man is literally sitting there, wondering if Bella is attracted to him because when she is around him her heart rate and breathing picks up and she blushes. Oh, but rest assured, Bella would never have the same impure thoughts that Gross Jessica Stanley had about Edward. 

Leave Jessica alone.

Also, Eddie? Bullshit. As someone who lived in your girlfriend’s head for 4 books, I can absolutely tell you that she has all kinds of impure thoughts about your marble adonis self, and she should probably be confessing to a priest because of them. 

Anyway, Eddie thinks some impure thoughts of his own (yay double standards) and gets a boner in the car. He gets very flowery and harlequinn with his little fantasy about Bella, to the point where, had this not been SM’s writing, I would have not been surprised to read the phrase ‘heaving bosom’. It’s G rated sex at its finest, guys. Be grateful that you didn’t have to read it (unless you did, in which case, I applaud you.)

I had no memories of another kind of yearning.

Just say ‘I never got a boner before Bella’ and be done with it, Eddie. Also now is the time to make your 109 year old virgin jokes, if you’re so inclined. I personally believe that it is perfectly fine if Eddie never felt sexual attraction before Bella, nor would it be a problem if he never felt sexual attraction at all. Ace people do exist. What bothers me is that this is framed in a way that is basically saying ‘You’ll feel the wiggles down there when the right person comes along’ and absolutely ignores the fact that sometimes, people never feel those kinds of attractions. Also, if you do feel those kinds of attractions but its not toward your pure and true love, you’re gross and awful like Gross Jessica Stanley.

The rest of the Cullen brood show up, and of course because Bella is so Special and Wonderful, even Jas and Emmett think she smells delicious, though, not nearly as delicious as Ed does because he’s the Most Special Cullen. Rose is mad and Alice just does as she was instructed to do by her magic future sight. Eddie is put out that he can’t spy on his lady love through her thoughts when they get to her place because he can’t stand not knowing where she is and what she’s doing at all times.

The Cullens go home and start doing various boring things. Chess, computer, TV. Rose is still pissed about the Bella thing and honestly? She has ever right to be. This puts her in danger, her and her family. It puts her husband in danger. She has every right to be mad and SM trying to frame her as bitchy and over-reacting does nothing to make me think that she is.

And Eddie. Oh Eddie. He’s playing the piano. We all know that he’s writing that stupid lullaby for Bella, and Esme is just so happy that her sweet precious baby is playing music again that she has to immediately appear and start fawning over him. Listen, I think that playing piano is a very impressive skill. It takes talent to learn and master. But treating Eddie’s little song like the next mozart piece is just stupid and I hate how everything they do is just consider the BEST THING EVER.

Alice singing along just. Boo. Go away. This was already bad enough as it was, don’t make it worse.

You are the best and the brightest of us all.

Just come out and fucking say it Esme. Or rather, just come out and fucking say it SM. It’s obvious that SM thinks her little avatars are the best and most special things to ever exist. She genuinely thinks that she’s created something to parallel the greatest lit of all time, and that her Eddie is akin to Mr. Darcy. Edward Cullen is not a good character. And he is not an interesting character. And that’s that.

God, there is an entire little section here just shitting on Rosalie. Rosalie is vain and petty. She only cares about her looks. Her whole life she was only looked at because she was pretty and it made her shallow and care only about appearance. Etc etc. Ignore the fact that Rosalie is clearly smart enough to maintain a 4.0 with the rest of her siblings, that she is skill with cars, that she does, in fact, have interests and hobbies outside of traditionally fem ones. She’s just a dumb, vain, shallow girl.

Fuck you, Eddie.

I am of the firm belief that one should never force their own beliefs on others. Never be afraid to express what you believe in, but never tell someone else they’re wrong because their beliefs are different. There are a few exceptions. One is Trump. That man is a danger and needs to be stopped. Period full stop. The other one? Alice mentions that their normal vamp friends are coming and they hunt the normal way. The Cullens have no problem with this and, in fact, just let them hunt nearby. In BD they actually loan out cars to the vamps to help them get away to hunt. The Cullens don’t eat humans, great, but they sure do aide and abet their friends that do. Murder is fucking wrong, even if to these stupid Pires, it is just a lifestyle choice.

Eddie and Emmett are hunting, some real bro bonding time. I wish that was what it was, honestly. I am aware that the Cullens are not actually related, but the have been together for a long time, and clearly have a family dynamic in place. It sure would be nice to see them attempting to act like siblings. To talk to one another, to bond, anything. But that would take time away from Eddie obsessing over his one twu wuv, Bella, so. Can’t have that.

You know what, Emmett is genuinely trying to be nice and understanding to Eddie’s pain and worry. Its actually really sweet to see it. Of course, Eddie is a grade A dick, and does not care about the effort his brother is putting in for him.

 God, and Eddie is crawling into Bella’s window again. I really, really hate that, you know. Like, it’s one thing for the fucker to be obsessive and stalk her when she’s awake, but like... let her sleep dude. Just because you never have to sleep ever doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want when other people are sleeping. Also, what was your plan gonna be if Bella had insomnia, or if she woke up for some reason in the night and you were just there? Of course, she would never catch you, for you are so wise and brilliant and shit. But like. Dude. Seriously.

So after he spends a few hours staring at Bella while she sleeps, he’s off, and goes out into the woods to follow her scent trail. Bella always compared Mike to a dog, but... idk Mike never pulled that shit. He just really feels the need to tell us that he wants to know literally everything that Bella does ever. It’s weird and creepy, dude. Just chill out. 

And this chapter just kinda... fizzles out. Like, it doesn’t conclude so much as it just... ends. Kind of abruptly. And this chapter was just... boring. Like, the ones before this were bad, but they were at least bad with some flavor. This chapter was like a stale triscut. 

Hope you enjoyed! As always, drop me a message or a DM if you wanna chat about this book or recommend one for my next recap series. You can buy me a snack using the CashApp tag in my bio! Love you all, thanks for reading!

[tylerwritez]

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m.  sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

        Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero  cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad.  But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt  justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking  about  random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

[cow3survivor]

Ep. 5: “Nothing to Report” - Jabari

JENNET 

jennet vs ethan? more like jennet + ethan😀😀😉😉

(a little later)

plan was a success, i know thats right!

ETHAN

Somehow the Pennino vote worked, and Pennino if you are reading this, you really are an amazing guy, and I hope we get a second chance someday. That being said, you are too smart and self-aware, and that is dangerous. For this round, the reward challenge is interesting. I haven't met everyone in the game yet, so I don't know if people are looking at challenge results yet, and I have done my best to have middling performances, but winning this would mean I get put in the spotlight again for winning 2 individual rewards, so that potentially makes me nervous. More than anything, I want to avoid tribal, I don't think there would be a repeat of last time if we go again. I anticipate a swap in 1-2 more votes, either to 2 or 4 tribes. Video conf coming soon :D

JABARI

The girls and I flopped on the reward challenge and Ethan came up like a beast. I really feel out tribe of 5 is doing well and hopefully we can pull win and stay together. If not I Imagine Sam will be out, as for idol searches nothing to report though I feel I am getting close.

JAKE

https://youtu.be/FM19WJ1tTmk witty catchphrase, y'know?

SAM

https://youtu.be/MrYZw3I22ms

JESSICA

Me when I found the idol: :) Me when the hosts told me I had to gamble my vote like 13 times in order to get it: :( I really wish we’d lost now so Nicole could be out and I could have an idol! If we don’t swap next time and it’s there, I’m taking the idol and throwing the challenge. Then we can vote Nicole out and I can have an idol! Will my allies be suspicious that I didn’t vote at that tribal? Not if it’s unanimous for Nicole which you KNOW I’d be doing the work to make happen. If we do swap, I’ll probably go get the idol anyways UNLESS we swap to tribes of 5 and my tribe is bad. But even then, I might as well go get it because I could play it that round if I needed to. Um not much else happened this round! I hope we merge soon.

LINDSAY

sorry ur getting text today ok im so fucin ajfdkhsakjlfhsalkjfhskjfhksjd i hate this anyways i think the tribe is split into two duos and then me - jennet and jabari /ethan and sam. pennino was kinda my duo but also eh. i think ethan has an idol or at the very least an advantage. a f r a i d not sure what to do. could stick w jennet and jabari and hope for the best or preemptively flip and try to make it w ethan and sam... i think there'll be a tribe swap soon but ajsfhsaldfhsdkj afraid if there's too few calumma come merge we'll be fucked but sokka pulled it off before it's not impossible we'll be okay depending. but if i piss off jennet or jabari calumma might not vibe w me following so i'll be stuck at the bottom of the totem pole w old not calumma and that's not a good spot to be either.  :( my "lets do something fun" says lets flip fuck it, but my loyal ass/wants to make it to merge this game ass says sticking w calumma is my best bet. jabari was posting cryptic shit last night so im gonna lead into that and see what hapepns anyways fuck this tribal. fuck tribal. i love all of these people i dont want to vote them out like genuinely there's no one here i want to see gone i HATE THIS anyways if i flip on calumma id probably go jennet bc she's a bigger threat than jabari iirc and if i stay loyal i'd probably aim for ethan bc sam is the more obvious target i... think?

JONES

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApcRUkdtxm4

JENNET

going go tribal again im SUPER nervous... i formed a tight alliance with ethan and sam and i feel bad for betraying the girls but this will help propel me in the long run and i have to take this shot

JESSICA

REALLY hoping we don't swap tonight...... that way I can instantly go get the idol! Or if we do swap, I hope I stay on Calumma. I think I should have actually just gone for the idol but I was worried about needing my vote at next tribal and not knowing what's ahead. Like imagine if I went for it, I lost my vote, and I only got the idol to be good for one round. Or for no rounds. It literally would have been useless and I would hate to swap and have no idol AND no vote. At least now if we swap, I definitely have one of those things! I'm not interested in gambling everything to get nothing so it just didn't seem like a smart choice. I did consider taking it and only gambling once just so Nicole definitely didn't get the idol but that didn't seem like a good idea. She only has like a 1/25 chance of finding it IF she's been guessing every single day and even if she does find it and we don't swap, my guess is Pete will want to throw his vote on Mikey which is fine with me because that is their relationship that will be affected, not mine. 24/25 odds Nicole has no idol is better than a 1/13 chance of losing my vote right? I'm honestly not sure as I still to this day cannot do any math <3 I have been saying this whole game I think we're going to swap at 15 into 3 tribes of 5 so hopefully I am wrong! And we swap at 14 or even better do not swap at all again until the merge. At least I will know who could have the idol if we swap. Narrowing this down is useful, as is knowing that the all 3 pre-merge tribe idols likely have expirations close to final 8/9 and probably aren't good until f5. Plus I'll get the chance to try and get another idol from a different tribe (or find out that someone else already has it too!). You may notice I didn't mention my other teammates in this confessional. Well that is because none of them are really here and nothing is going on since we've been winning. I have still been talking to Mikey and Pete on and off but Lovelis seems to be pretty busy so he hasn't been here. And Nicole...... has left me on read again. We just do not know what is going on there.

LOVELIS

WOO we won immunity!! I'm anticipating a swap soon so I'm tryna stay as cool with Mikey and Nicole as I can just in case I'm put on a tribe with them again, but I do hope I can stay with Shane or Jessica in the future because those two are the ones I get on with the most for sure, and I'd feel more comfortable moving forward on a tribe with them for now! I don't think Nicole has any trust in me after the Nash elimination so I'd be more weary if I had to work with her in order to save myself in the long run, but let's see what the future holds shall we!

SAM

https://youtu.be/F0Zt0L8lScA

ETHAN

Ok this tribal is terrifying. Apparently lindsay and jabari are trying to blindside me by telling me the vote is Sam, and this could be a super good bait from Jennet to try to get Sam to idol. If they’re playing logically, they vote Sam if that’s the case anyways. It wouldn’t make much sense for Jennet to spill, not vote with us, and vote for me, I hope these people are logical, because I’m operating under the assumption that they are.

MADISON

I honestly have to laugh at Shane messing up 2 times during the challenges, us having the lowest counting score, and still being immune at the end of the day. It's truly beautiful. Daisy won the reward so she will be attending the tribal tonight and I hope she can give us an idea of how the dynamics are on another tribe. It's hard when there hasn't really been much to do on Brookesia so having a little bit of info could go a long way in this game.

NICOLE

Hello! So we won. I was having a little bit of a hard time this round if I'm being honest so I'm glad we won immunity because I think I definitely would have hit the road if we did not. Logic puzzles are really gonna be my legacy in this game huh...anyway, I have been searching for idols everyday and have not found ANYTHING except a second guess which I already used to find nothing. Even worse it seems that everywhere I look something has already been found! Which means other people have things! Which stinks. But, I think I'm in a pretty good spot if we swap after this round.  But if we stay on this tribe....yikes!

JENNET 

super nervous, i have TWO alliances with the same name... hoping that helps me at tribal so when i say the name of it, both groups thinks its them😳😳

(a little later)

told ethan and sam what jabari and lindsay have planned for them... hoping it doesnt blow up in my face

(after searching for an idol)

was hoping to vote out lindsay bc shes been playing this like shes our leader but shes the stronger competitor and i dont want to push sam and ethan too much

SHANE

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1-RKbRCfntNc75XUsCg7iKmFfxne0qcMt

SAMMY

i feel like this game is nonexistent lately...I do want to say Shane is lucky bc in the counting challenge he messes up like 2-3 times and i was like ...blinks.... idk but luckily we managed to escape tribal council once again so our odds going far and having numbers are pretty high I’d say? I feel like a swap is coming tho so I’m a bit nervous! My confessionals are gonna remain dry for now sorry mwah

DAISY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuVm7kTkEL4 ugh sorry its so shitty this didnt go as planned and i give up. love u all. kiss kisss

PETE

I’m pretty sure Nicole may still get numbers against me when the time comes. I’m nervous for a merge but honestly i’ll be grateful if I even make it to one for the first time lmao like at this point I may have a few numbers but I’m hoping another struggling alliance picks Jessica and I up at the merge and we can rest in majority for a little bit at the start of it. I was thinking about maybe throwing one challenge so we can either A. Vote off Nicole who is a big threat and could do damage later on. or B. Vote off Mikey who could be a secret snake which could win a couple more trust points with Nicole and maybe pick up and ally there. I’m not sure. I did save Nicole in one light by redirecting my alliance’s target from her to Nash, but in another, I didn’t side with her in voting off Mikey so she lost her ally. It’s complex, I feel like throwing a challenge AND not throwing a challenge could both be the mistake I look back on when I get voted out later on. i dunno send help lmao

TRIBAL COUNCIL

JABARI EXIT INTERVIEW

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 2 - “Y'all. Vote me out fr cause I'm inactive as fronk” - Joshua (through Autumn)

I hate flag-making challenges. I will not be helpful at all, and I hope that someone else can take the reigns and lead us to victory. I honestly feel safe going into a tribal council, but I do not want to test that theory.

Next morning

With Chips and Jules working on the crest designs, I feel confident that we will do well in the challenge. Maybe not the best, but definitely not the worst. I still have the same anxious feeling that my tribe is not active enough for my taste, but I will just have to live with it for now. Besides, at least this is not immunity because that we increase my anxiety by so much. But, I keep forgetting to search the idol hunt which is my bad, but it is just so hard and long that I do not really feel like searching all the time lol

ART CHALLENGE <333 i love these challenges. Jess made my picture 110% better and its super cute. The note that she wrote with it is also hella cute and I love the whole HP aesthetics bc i never got to go to real hogwarts ;-; but i'm sure most of yall can related. The boys weren't too helpful but nick was better than jacob who is sick. Nick was way more active aka jacob said 3 sentences the entire challenge sooooo…. if we lose idk I might just save jacob anyways bc pregame relations.

Won reward, but now we have to win immunity again. I really hope that this reward helps us continue to survive. I don't want to have to vote anyone out. We've been getting first, but I really just want to survive this challenge, its known to be hard.

I think I have been stuck with the second most challenge inept tribe in the history of my ORG career. I literally said so many answers in my version of the story and Jules just fucked it up. And then they got the girl's name wrong. And then they started mixing up characters. I know I did well, but fuck these people. God. Now we need a tribe to get 0 which is very unlikely. I will just resign myself to tribal. I hope and pray that these people have some common sense and do not want to vote me out

Listen. Listen. Listen. I dang knew this story was going to be Harry Potter based. I knew in my brain and in my heart that I shouldn’t have been the one to start that thing. What do I do? Start the dang thing. Oh well. We did alright. I would be shocked if we won tho but if we don’t I’ll be relieved. I def don’t feel confident enough but I really had a lot of fun with my tribe. I really miss this and really hope that my time isn’t cut short! I feel really good about my tribe mates sincerely. And that’s kind of scary! I would hate to see any of us to go and how it’s going to affect the bond we have if we vote someone out. In this moment with Max sitting out, it may be him who goes if we go to tribal. I hope that isn’t the case. I’ve got my fingers crossed for us. Huff Puff strong!

Honestly Jules dropped the ball sis!! But it’s okay, I love her. She’s really nice and I know she tried her best. Plus she’s in an alliance with me and Owen, so we should have the numbers against Joanna or Miguel if we go to tribal. Personally, I’d prefer Joanna to go. She’s kinda domineering, but she’s also an asset in challenges thus far. She is organized and direct. I’ve also talked to her a bit more than Miguel, so I guess I don’t really care who goes.

I’m happy I didn’t fuck up the reward comp and the shit that I drew got us a win!

I really hope I don't bomb that challenge, I answered everything that Kevin talked to me about.... I think!  The rest of them tried very hard but I am SOOO glad that I asked to do my part at the end because my memory of repeating things is horrendous but I'm usually pretty good at bullshitting test answers... too bad I got some of the multiple choice stuff wrong.

I think that if we do lose I am still in a good spot on this tribe and hopefully I won't be in danger.  I feel like I'm on everyone's good side and Max kind of just disappeared so maybe we could just vote him out this round? Idk.

Hopefully we don't have to worry about it.  I smell a swap coming up pretty soon and I just hope I'm either with Owen or with some of the people from my tribe.  I have no idea if they know anyone or are close with anyone in the other houses.

I'm still feeling the closest to Lily and Kevin but I have been talking to Landen a good bit too these days so hopefully we'll be safe or we can all just agree on Max.

16 minutes later

OOOOOH IS LANDEN PAVING THE WAY FOR A MOVE TO SEND MAX PACKING???

He just told me that me, lily and kevin are precious angels that must be protected and that he likes Max when he's around too so that sounds like something... HMMM...

I can't get cocky, I always go home when I get cocky. But I like this.

my host chat saw this first (shout-out to Drewie and Dennis): Y’all I’m an idiot. I thought I only knew 2 people in this game (Owen and chips). Then I remembered I also know Jess, Autumn, and dan. Literally love and respect each of you my brain just don’t got the strongest memory no more. I’m so sorry!!!! I literally just told landen I only know 2 ppl. I’m just gonna try to not remember it happened.

Ugh.....I need to get it together.

I love my tribe talking to each other now that we have to!! Everyday I'm like damn either I'm on the bottom or I'm not the only one with piss poor social game. Ok so... the moment the hosts said we got 1 point, I started getting ready for tribal lmaaaooo. No sense crying over it either because all the tribes basically just had to show up in order to beat that

Like how could we not go to tribal with a score of ONE? That shit's embarrassing hahaha. That's like when your teacher passes the test back to everyone sitting around you but not you so you KNOW it's bad. But you know what? It's all good cause I'd rather us take the L now and get it out the way and we can all laugh about it cause losing won't be funny after long. The real question is: will Gryffindor do this the easy way or the hard way caaauusse we all know who the weakest link is. I just wanna see if someone puts two and two together without my prodding. Chips already said we voting together right and I'm like yes sir. There's no better place than being on the same page

WE WON OMG!! Jules basically gave me nothing, which is fine, i understand, but i'm so impressed that we pulled that off. Absolutely killing these reward challenges really helps!

"Y'all. Vote me out fr cause I'm inactive as fronk."

Tonight we learned Joshua is a feminist selfless man that I stan because he's volunteering to go home without me having to put his name out, which I was going to do. Like imagine if every guy had that kind of self-awareness, to recognize why he should be the vote and then embrace it instead of wreaking havoc. And wanting to see others succeed more than yourself? King shit! He knew when to hang it up and did just that. Like the number of times I've seen a vote get complicated for no fucking reason because everyone wants a fight to the death. Enough- I'm old, tired, and cannot exert too much energy at once. We got a long game ahead of us, not to mention quarantine. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you Joshua. We need more players like you and I appreciate your service

im back back BACK AGAIN with another confessional! not much has changed but a few updates for the sake of these being required :) 1. max has become even more inactive, he's not reached out to me personally since the first day and any time i messaged him after that he's sent me nothing back that i can build a convo off of, so we just have stopped speaking. Luckily this challenge only required four people and everyone else SHOWED UP!! or at least spoke about their availability, while he did not. However in his defense he said he was having some issues at home and i feel for him but his inability to connect has been an issue before he spoke about anything in our tribe chat with us. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but this point my relationships with the other 3 are leaps and bounds ahead of where I am at with Max. Maybe he can pick up some speed if we continue winning challenges but, it's not looking too hot. SPEAKING OF CHALLENGES, well first we lost reward AGAIN, but we won immunity.. AGAIN! thank goodness for not being first or second boot, i always love being able to avoid these early tribals and if i can get to a swap without seeing one that would be ideal, but also if we do go and maybe vote out max? wouldn't be the worst thing. Moral of the story we won and thats exciting! however.. if we didn't.. the first big push of strategic talk came up with landen when he hinted at being frustrated with max's lack of presence which I also share. I do believe if we lost me and landen could have most definitely picked up ruthie and lily to form a four against him, if he even came to tribal. That would be my ideal situation and if we continue on this tribes hopefully it gives me a nice cushion to fall on if we do lose so i dont have to entirely blow up my social game within the first few rounds by voting out someone i've built a connection with. If max can go and the remaining four hufflepuffs can make a swap I would feel good about that, and maybe in the right circumstances we could work together on the swapped tribes because i genuinely like all of these people (yes max too but in this specific scenario he wouldn't be included bc... well..) anyways to close this off i still absolutely ADORE lily, she is fun and our conversations are really good, and same goes for ruthie, hopefully i dont have to see either of them or myself go home before we can really start playing because i think we could do some damage. :) ok anyways this was longer than i thought it would be goodbye

I'm still not over the fact that I was able to answer 7 of those questions right. I have the memory of a plastic fork.  I also love that we are SAFE!

I do kind of hope things get spicy and we swap this round and become two tribes of 9. That'd be cute. I don't want VI to get bored and crack on me. BUT ALSO I think I have solid enough relationships with almost everyone on this tribe... so who knows?!

Also... these hoes really out here trying to search for an idol in PUBLIC. IN PUBLIC. WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?

Dear diary, seems like we keep winning challenges, which is great but tbh i feel like every time i give a disadvantage to my team because english is not my first Language, and so far its been a vocabulary test and a listening and speaking test. I mean I knew I signed up for school but damn. Give me some macarena  or drinking tequila challenge and I'll crush it

bippity boppity boo im back again with almost no content kdfasjhdskjfh

Ravenclaw working smarter and we keep winning, period!!! Thankful that y'all put Dan and I together....bc truly we will be unstoppable in these competitions. I kind of want to lose soon though to see how things would shake out, but I don't really have bad blood with anyone. Joanna seems passionate enough in the tribe chat and the challenges, even if she's dry in PMs. Miguel still won't give me anything other than a "how are you," but I hope the best for him in life lol

Still love Jules and Dan, and we made a three person alliance, but I haven't talked with either of them much one on one since it happened.... I really need to step the social game up eventually, but right now, I'm coasting, and maybe that's what I need before I find the time and resources in this game to strike!!

The idol hunt is hard but Dan seems onto something. Honestly he's gonna be a big threat sooner or later so he's sticking around as long as I can keep him! The last two games I've been in I've seen "goats" get dragged to the end and locked in final 3 positions, and then these perceived goats have ended up winning. so I want the big players in this game to rise to the top and fight it out in the end!

let’s say i am como we dice.. fed up with a lot :flushed: a lot meaning joshua starting to get on my nerves a bit! he’s genuinely sweet n all but.. the way he complained about us losing by putting down others work HHH pissed me off. which is why i will be voting him out hehe.. but so far my misting has worked because no one wants to vote me out! mwah

Slytherin killed the memory challenge. We thought we were all gonna flop bc all of us thought we sucked at memory stuff. um well we knocked it out of the park? Ravenclaw got 4 and huff/gryff got 1. We got 7 so oops. I do hope things turn out well for Gryffindor but no one I really know/care about is in that house so I'm not too worried. I hope they continue to lose or even hufflepuff since ravenclaw has 2 of my friends in it.

I have been TERRIBLE with confessionals but only because there's really not been much going on? I have an alliance with Dan and Owen, and even though I wrote off Joanna I was DEFINITELY wrong in doing that. Miguel is sort of the outlier. Our team is kinda iconic though? We've done so well on all the challenges. I might be the weakest link? More to come.

it's pretty sad but the whole tribe has agreed to vote max if we lose, basically he's just never around because of what's going on at home and like thats sad but... we gotta do what we gotta do *shrug*. I'm really feeling good about Hufflepuff moving forward, i've never bonded this much this easily with EVERYONE on a tribe and i just feel like if we keep winning or even if we lose and have to vote out max, we could be a great group for the future. especially i feel great about working with kevin, we dominated eve's game after eve came between us in 2020 that dastardly witch... :P (juuust kiddin. love ya!) but now we could totally do well in this game too i think.....

lily and ruthie are just so sweet and we really bond talking about pretty much anything,, especially lily is a great conversationalist and i just find it so natural to talk to them both. i'd love to work with any combination of people from hufflepuff in the future, hopefully i start sucking a little less at all these challenges. i think i did pretty great on memory :D

So here is the summary of what has happened since last time

We had a reward challenge that was drawing. Mine sucked. Apparently 3/4 so no reward.

We played Telephone. My team didnt realize that details are the most important parts of that and didnt share then with Autumn so Autumn didnt share them with me. Then I didnt know them when asked about them.

We scored 1 point and lost. Since I still have no alliance I'm scared that it could be me. So I kind of got an idea how everyone was feeling.

Juls let me know she wanted to vote Joshua and- it's not me so that's fine!

Then I was talking to Autumn about it and - OOP! Josh asked to be voted out. So unless he plays an idol I'm supposing he is leaving after asking to go.

woo my tribe won immunity!! we are safe! i’m glad bc i’m forming good relationships with ppl on my tribe. i think we all get along rly well so i hope we keep winning. the challenge was fun and i slayed bc i’m skinny mwah

Ya know what’s refreshing? Being on a tribe that actually wins!!! The last three games I’ve played I’ve been on flop ass starting tribes.

Now we’ll lose every challenge

10 minutes later

This sickening bitch just found a hidden immunity idol!!!! Good until f6 L A D I E S!!!!!!

HI BARBS SO I WAS GROUNDED SO I MISSED THE CHALLENGE BUT MY HUFFLEPUFF BABS SLAYED SM SO IM LIVING

CONFESSIONAL 2.1 —

Not much strategy has happened this episode, just simply tribal bonding! We are SlytherWINNING, getting reward and immunity this time! How wonderful.

Regarding my tribe mates, I love all three. I pray, pray, pray we make swap, i do Noh want to be a dirty bad guy and have to vote one out.. yet. Haha.

I was drunk during immunity, one full glass of rum & coke, so I am shocked that we won immunity. Honestly, I feel silly admitting I was drunk to my tribe because... if I can do that when drunk, imagine if I was sober. Competition Beast, duh.

I also gave up my run this round for the tribe to use. Was partially social, partially I just do not understand how to do the Hunt, so I might as well help the greater good. Either way, it comes off positively.

Hoping for a smooth journey for a little longer!

x nick

Joshue has basically quit at this point so I have no fear going into tribal

[warrumabi]

After 1827th day

I started to having crush on this certain person roughly 5 years ago i don’t remember the exact day, but i remember it was Oct 2012 it was at least 1827 days ago i even broke up with my high school lover and never been in relationship ever since 

i was dealing with anxieties, depressions, suicidal tendencies and ton of tears i was and still in circumstances where i can’t say what i feel to them may be i’m just afraid of rejection, not only from them, but from people

every years i said to my self “this is the last time, this is the last year” but here i am still standing in the same spot after five fucking years

these past years, i managed to get closer to them, and i think now may be i am one of their best friends being best friends with a person i like for five years makes me realize how precious they are and how i am not deserved for this from this day i’ll mark everyday about me and this certain person this is supposed to be a story of how i moved on and how i survived

                                           OCTOBER 2017 Oct 29th, 2017 1827th day - you finally reply to my chat from 4 days ago, saying “sorry”, “what’s wrong” and “is everything’s ok?”, i replied “just saying hi”...we end up chat a bit and you said i should come to your place because the beaches were superb. i said “no thanks, i don’t like beach anyway” which is a lie that i hope you notice. Suddenly you mention a movie that i’d probably like, i watched it asap and yes, that movie was superb because i always like plot twist. i send back some recommended movies to you, hope you watch those, especially the first one.

Oct 30th, 2017 1828th day - we chat a bit, continuing what we talked about yesterday. You recommended me some others movies and said i should watch those. i did add those to my “to watch list”. that’s all. Oct 31st, 2017 1829th day - nothing happened today.

                                            NOVEMBER 2017

Nov 1st, 2017 1830th day - nothing happened today either. haven’t watch the rest of your movie list, i was so busy and tired. i saw your friend’s post about video calling you. ah also, recently i thought about marriage, idk why tho. Nov 2nd, 2017 1831st day - no contact today either. got a news that you’ll be back this saturday and i got a mixed feelings. i registered us to this event on 7th for free dinner and stuff. Nov 3rd, 2017 1832nd day - this morning you chat me asking for help to pay your bill again cause you were still out town. you asked about the event on 7th but i replied shortly. then you also asked whether i had watch the movies you recommended, i hadn’t and planned to watch them this weekend and asking you back about my movies recommendation that i gave you, you said you did watch some...little did i knew maybe those movies doesn’t suit your taste. you asked about the weather, and complain that it’s rain a lot there. I replied on the noon cause work, and i attached your bill that i paid. you read later and never replied. i couldn’t think straight the whole day, knowing that you’ll come back tomorrow (you still hadn’t tell me that you’ll be back this saturday tho) . i’m calling your name before sleep tonight, kinda longer than usual. Nov 4th, 2017 1833rd day - you still hadn’t reply. c’mon at least say thanks. you didn’t tell me that you back today. i waited for your or your friend post update, but it’s zero. i end up watching one of your recommended movies...it was good, i wonder how you reacted in those kiss scenes tho. Nov 5th, 2017 1834th day - finally you replied this morning, damn dude what’s taking you so fucking long?! this is why i hate chatting with you. still, now we are in the same city, breathing the same air again. i’m calling you again this morning. we probably meet tomorrow (i really hope so). Nov 6th, 2017 1835th day - still no news from you. somehow i heard people mention your name a lot today. i wonder where they got news from... Nov 7th, 2017 1836th day - today is the event day. i was really looking forward for today. i arrived at college on 7 flat in the morning. eat breakfast alone near it. day past, and it’s start raining hard at noon. i had to pick my lil sis first before went to that event. arrived at home soaking wet, checked my phone just to find that YOU SAID YOU COULDN’T COME because you still at out of town, the worst about it was you said it FUCKING AN HOUR BEFORE IT START. i was furious. i was really into coming to this event. even my sis knew i really wanna went. and you know i couldn’t go alone. WHY YOU ONLY READ MY CHAT A FUCKING HOUR BEFORE THE EVENT?. i was crying hard until half an hour because i was furious but i can’t say a word. somehow i fell asleep and woke up at 10 pm. i was too tired and too sad today. way to go bud, you never fail to disappoint me. Nov 8th, 2017 1837th day - i ended up staying awake the rest of the night. having a nice day huh? swinging by a sea shore while you just ruining my day yesterday? ...jeez, this is it. i'm being hateful again, i overreact again. *sigh* . didn’t you ever feel guilty at all? didn’t you ever considering my feeling? Nov 9th, 2017 1838th day - today supposed to be the day you start went to college again. but i didn’t see you at all. my sleep cycle was a mess since two days ago. i was so tired again. i thought i was happier without you, i wish we didn’t have to be in a same town. being in a same town with you making me anxious and sad again. Nov 10th, 2017 1839th day - my sleep cycle was still a mess, the whole day thinking ”what if i met you today? i’m not ready yet” but somehow part of me want to see you. decide to sleep early tonight, you suddenly popped out in my chat just before i closed my eyes. you said something about college, and said you probably were still out of town on Monday. i took a long sigh realized that you were not here, not in this town. hmm...you probably went back to your hometown. i decided to not read and reply right away. Nov 11th, 2017 1840th day - i replied your chat shortly at 10 morning, nothing much happened. ah, i decided to continue the movie list you gave me. Nov 12th, 2017 1841st day - nothing happened. nothing is good. Nov 13th, 2017 1842nd day - so far so good, i started to feel that i didn’t think about you the way i used too. Nov 14th, 2017 1843rd day - today, people nonchalantly ask where you at to me. i simply said i didn’t know. jeez, it’s not like i’m your manager. Nov 15th, 2017 1844th day - today i was surprised seeing you peeking thru class window, that’s mean you already in town, i also accidentally saw you in crowd but acted like i didn’t. luckily our eyes did’t meet. i was too tired of routines, felt like i could collapse anytime. maybe i should take day off tomorrow. suddenly you chat me on afternoon asking college stuff, i answered late and short. somehow we chat until night, the only question i asked was where you had been. but i fell asleep before saw you replied. Nov 16th, 2017 1845th day - checked the text, you said you had exam this morning, i simply said good luck with smiley. Nov 17th, 2017 1846th day - i took another day off, my period cramp felt worse the whole day. you commented on my post. Nov 18th, 2017 1847th day - I saw an announcement about a tournament in two weeks. you probably join this year too...luckily, i will be off town by the end of this month to my intern schedule. Nov 19th, 2017 1848th day - saw your post about practicing, guess it’s true. i went with my sisters this morning and update a lot. you happened to see my posts and said you want to join. slightly happy, until you said you can’t later...well whatever dude. Nov 20th, 2017 1849th day - i acted as if i didn’t aware about you, i tried not to be in the same space. and i thought you did too (?), because i was sure you saw me, but you didn’t say a thing. but gosh you were laughing annoyingly loud, making me aware that you were here. Nov 21st, 2017 1850th day - i didn’t go to campus today, somehow i miss you the whole day and also anxious about you didn’t greet me (like i did to you). tonight you text me asking for help tomorrow, as usual i replied shortly. Nov 22nd, 2017 1851st day - i helped you today, we speak as nothing’s happened. but yeah IT IS nothing that happened. we acted like before, we didn’t really avoid each other actually. Nov 23rd, 2017 1852nd day - went to your place today to collect my money, you seem not recognizing me because i use new helmet (?). didn’t get off from my ride. can’t looked at you properly. luckily my new helmet glass is dark enough so you can’t see through. ah, actually i planned to ask you to join me for a ride but it’s seems that you were busy. rest day sighing and imagining that today would be waaay better if you joined me. am i back to square one??. also, i saw the tournament IG, your team lost on the previous match, new jersey huh? new back number? wish your team didn’t get to the final so i don’t have to watch you as i did in the previous years. Nov 24th, 2017 1853rd day - i didn’t go to uni today. stalked that tournament IG, but no news about your team. you uploaded a video that i took of you playing. that’s already the second video. you barely upload yourself, and now you upload about you? playing??and two videos??in a row?? dude, were you showing off? to whom?.

Nov 25th, 2017 1854th day - today you upload THE THIRD video, but this one wasn’t the one that i took. sorry, hadn’t like any of your videos. i search the possibility of whom you tried to showing off to. remember the one that got you in trouble last 3 months? i couldn’t find them in your followers list. did you block each other?what happened?

Nov 26th, 2017 1855th day - your team lost again yesterday. ah, i saw a picture of you, somehow i noticed your torn shoes. may be you should buy a new one. ah i remember you said you want to buy it several months ago. should i buy it for you? what?! why the fuck i want spent money on pricey shoes??? moreover it isn’t for me?? but, you’ll look good in new shoes, hm... maybe orange or yellow will suit you...wait? what??? why the fuck, i’m not spending singgle penny for ya.

Nov 27th, 2017 1856th day - this damn IG hasn’t update anything about the game. so finally i ask you. you said you didn’t make it to final. somehow i feel a bit sorry and guilty too. and the torn shoes? turned out it’s not torn at all, it’s more like a gum stuck there. ah also, YOU UPLOADED THE FOURTH VIDEO, damn...

Nov 28th, 2017 1857th day - we planned to have a meeting today in afternoon. you asked me to eat ramen with you before the meeting and of course i said yes. i ordered the black broth as usual and you ordered the white one. we played stacko 2 times and end up draw.and then we went to the meeting place. i asked you and our friend to have a trip this weekend, you said you gonna slee in my place the night before the trips. wohooo~!

Nov 29th, 2017 1858th day - nothing much today, i didn’t went to anywhere.

Nov 30th, 2017 1859th day - i didn’t met you either today, gotta help my friend with her task.

                                          DECEMBER 2017

Dec 1st, 2017 1860th day - i went to you place this afternoon so we can buy things for our trip tomorrow. you gotta do college stuff and laundry first. that took some time and i accidentally took a nap in your place.  five past half finally we can leave your place. i wait outside cause i’m ready, suddenly when you went out i almost dropped my jaw cause you wear a fucking cute pink lipstick which is subtle but so damn cute it suit you so much. i was having a goose bump all the way to the mall. also you wear a new BACKPACK!! it was cute too. so fun grocery-shopping with you, especially when you threw those snacks and i gotta catch them with the basket, spent most off my money lol. we also got matching rubber bracelet. yay!. we went to my home past nine. searching to places for our trip until midnight cause we had no idea where to go. this is the first normal and anxious-free night when i sleep with you.

Dec 2nd, 2017 1861st day - woke up at 4 am, but too lazy to move and decided to have a quick sleep again, turns out i dream quite long dream about you (which is i forgot). woke up again at 5 am, it’s nice cooking in the morning with you, seems like too good too be true. then we took a bath, dressed and got ready for the trip. it was a nice trip, i’m glad this trip worked. if only i sat beside you. we went back to town on evening and you gotta do some college stuff, so we accompanied you. it was until 9.30 pm and i finally can went back home AND GUESS WHAT? you tag along and that mean TWO NIGHTS SLEEP OVER!! YOWOHOOHOOOO. i was so glad. you gave your rubber to my sis :(. i took it and gave mine instead, so i kept yours. again we stay up until midnight, you fell asleep in opposing the actual position. i tucked you in and decide to sleep according to your position.

Dec 3rd, 2017 1862nd day - you slept again in the morning, guess you were too tired from yesterday, me too actually. but i decided to watch movie, idk why. you slept in weird position again, bending your neck, that gonna hurt bad when you woke up. i pulled the pillow a bit to adjust your neck, but you woke up. i decided to sleep too and woke up in the middle of the day. we ordered ramens and chocolate drinks in the noon. i kept guessing when will you went back to your home, it wasn’t rain much tho.in the end you decided to sleep in my place again. fuck.i.was.too.happy. THIS WAS THREE DAY STREAKS!!!!! and ofc it was better than just two days sleep over. thanks God!!. i spent mostly time in front of my laptop cause i got work to do. you talk to my sis and mom and had fun with them. when it’s late, i laid in bed and suddenly fell asleep. this is the first night i slept first.

Dec 4th, 2017 1863rd day - woke up late. we rode you to your place and went to uni after. we left in hurry and you forgot your bottle in my place. about 10 pm you asked me to accompany you do college stuff in library, i guess we got a bit closer than before?? cause it’s rare for you to ask college-related stuff with me. it was fun tho.

Dec 5th, 2017 1864th day - i brought your bottle. and end up helping you again in lobby. was fun too, i hope we could do regular things like this together more often. :) Dec 6th, 2017  1865th day - i went to campus today, but didn’t get to see you. i saw your bike, you probably still doing stuff in library. Dec 7th, 2017 1866th day - printed something for your presentation, but its ends up canceled. we were ready tho, you asked me to play basketball with you this afternoon. i said, i can’t afford to ashamed myself in front of your team. you said it was ok, no body practice anw. turns out, boys played too. i just sat in corner watching you played with them. i didn’t get to play anything in the end. Dec 8th, 2017 1867th day - you asked me to help you with stuff again, but i got schedule on that time. i saw you got problem with your tools. i hope everything worked well. by the end of the day, i texted you about college. it was niiiiceeeeee, i want to have daily chat with you.

Dec 9th, 2017 1868th day - day off, i actually wanted to ask yo to hanging out today, but i got tons work to do.

Dec 9th, 2017 - Dec 15th, 2017 1868th - 1874th day - i was so busy and occupied the last week. i skipped one week updates. i couldn’t recall what happened each day. we did meet most days, but nothing’s special. all i could see in these days were we did more regular things together :)

Dec 16th, 2017 1875th day - you asked me to have a ride a bit after our schedule. i got plans, but ofc i also wanted to spend time with you. so i decided to do both. you accompanied me doing my plans, i accompanied you hanging out this afternoon. we spent time until like 9pm. you asked me again to accompany you swim tomorrow. at the end of the day you decided to spend the night in my place. yay!. Dec 17th, 2017 1876th day - woke up 6 am, you still sleeping.. why am i the one that excited for the swimming?? you didn’t wake up until 8, didn’t you the one that said we should go early? . 

[raideo]

Man tonight sucked, i got home from visiting the family, and immediately I find that flynn is on the bottom of the tank, face in the gravel, upside down.  I take him out and put him in a cup with some clean water of the same temp, and he’s still very much alive but his swim bladder is really fucked up.  I ran out to the store to get some bettafix for him, work didn’t have any and didn’t have melafix either, had to come back home empty handed, then I did what I shoulda done the first time and looked up the problem.  Turns out some bettas can be prone to getting constipation??? if they eat to fast/are over fed.  I gave my room mate what I thought were totally fine feeding instructions to make it easier on her, but I guess I wasn’t aware that feeding them two pellets at one time, when they are used to getting one in the morning and one at night, might upset the lil bab’s stomachs ;;

reaps and cosmo are 100% (cosmo is a little piggy anyway) but Flynn is having a really hard time with it I guess- I hope that’s what it is, I read that it also could be a bacterial infection or ammonia.  It’s not ammonia, I tested my water and it’s PRISTINE.  I really don’t think its an infection but I did run back out cuz I forgot there was a competitor pet store across the street (lol I feel kinda guilty for buying from them but its an emergency)  I also went back to my work to get aquarium salt.

THEN I FUCKING DECIDED TO QUICKLY RUN TO THE GROCERY STORE TO GET TWO THINGS I DIDNT REALLY NEED BUT WANTED TO HAVE ON HAND AND HOLY SHIT WHAT AN ORDEAL.  EVERY PERSON IN NEW JERSEY WAS OUT GETTING LIKE- A MONTH’S SUPPLY OF GROCERIES CUZ THEY HEARD IT WAS GOING TO SNOW 5-10 INCHES.  LIKE THAT’S NOTHING TO SHAKE A STICK AT ESP SINCE OUR SNOW CLEANUP CREWS ARE BAD BUT COME ON PEOPLE WTF WE’RE NOT ALL GOING TO DIE.

god I stood in like 5 fucking minutes behind a customer from hell and finally the self serve line opened up and i ducked out and checked out with that- I feel so bad for the cashier, the woman was SCREAMING at her, because the cashier couldn’t honor a coupon she had on her phone?????

fuck.... so im worried sick about my fish, I get home, do water changes on everyone (they were all kinda due for it and i might as well while I change poor bb flynn’s tank ;c; )

He’s still in his cup though, since he can’t swim right I didn’t think it would be good to put him in his really deep tank, even though he has a little lotus flower perch right under the surface idk how well he’d be able to get to it and be able to breath.  I know bettas need access to the water’s surface to breathe properly :C

I just hope he gets better.... I read a bunch of different sources and they all seem to say that I should definitely do the water change, freshwater salt and melafix, in case its bacterial, but it’s most likely constipation, and given the circumstances I think I agree- it says to not feed him for a day or two and then feed him a tiny bit of a cooked pea? cuz I guess that helps with lil betta tummy problems idk... 

I’m so worried about my baby- and from experience the world is pretty unempathetic when it comes to losing a pet like a fish or a snail, my mom usually yells at me and tells me to get over it, it’s not like it was a cat- but like fuck, it fucking IS to me, ok?  I love this thing just as much as a cat or a dog I’m gonna be god damn upset if i lose it!

ugh... what a fucking night man... what a fucking night...

[adiafunke]

I did these at the beginning of last year so it’s a tradition now weeeee

1: is there a boy/girl in your life? I’ve been dating a boy since Spring 2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? sure why not. 3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” maybe i should be moved on from myspace surveys by the time i’m middle aged 4: what’s something you really want right now? the kind of laughter that makes it hard to breathe 5: are you afraid of falling in love? the falling isn’t the scary part so no, not really  6: do you like the beach? not terribly but i’ll go like once or twice a year for like an hour or two and then be like “wow so pretty mhm water. sand. yep yeah ok i’m good” 7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? of course 

8: What is the background on your cell phone? a picture of Harry when he had long curly hair :)))))))

9: name the last four beds you were sat on? This is a dumb question. 1)my bed in Oregon 2)Josh’s bed in his MIT apartment 3) Josh’s bed in his NorthEastern dorm thing 4) Nate’s after some party  10: do you like your phone? it’s platonic. 11: honestly, are things going the way you planned? not at all but when and why would that happen? life doesn’t care about our plans.  12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? some guy from school named Michael  13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler? poodles are like mad smart so probably one of those  14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? emotional 15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? art museum. zoos are a bit sad  16: are you tired? It’s 3:30AM and I’ve become basically nocturnal recently so no :( 

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact? like alphabetically? The first contact in my phone is me lol ADia. We have a 20 year long love/hate relationship going on 18: are they a relative? technically?  19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? I think one of them is a very fun person but I’m well aware of all the reasons we should not be together and he would probably cheat on me if I made him my husband so it’s a hard pass 20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? 3ish hours ago.  21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? nah, weddings are a lot to plan/expensive and I have other priorities. If they’re right then they’ll be around for a while. we got time.  22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yeah for like all the days ever  23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? one 24: is there a certain quote you live by? “you can never be overdressed or overeducated”-Oscar Wilde 25: what’s on your mind? earlier I was thinking about this song I used to love but I can’t remember a single word just the music and it was by some girl who was super lowkey on soundcloud like 5 years ago UGH 26: do you have any tattoos? Nope. 15/16 year old me would be shocked and upset.  27: what is your favorite color? yellllllooooowwwwww 28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips? 2 weeks :((((((  29: who are you texting? no one, it’s 3:30AM  30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? bye lol 31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? yeah dude  32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? the main 2 people I go to advice for are male  33: do you think anyone has feelings for you? i’m gonna place money on Josh because he says “I love you” a lot. fingers crossed.  34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? my eyes are the prettiest 35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? yikes no thank you  36: were you single on valentines day? pretty much wow tha’s kinda whack  37: are you friends with the last person you kissed? bffl  38: what do your friends call you? adia.  39: has anyone upset you in the last week? I’m subtly mad at myself but like I’m also super self-centered so all is well.  40: have you ever cried over a text? texting has become the easiest way to give someone bad news so yeah 41: where’s your last bruise located? above my knee i dunno what happened 42: what is it from? oops got ahead of the game 43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? omg my roomates and I did some drugs last week and this guy was being really weird and I just wanted him to go so badly but even not totally with it Adia didnt have the nerve to be like “hi hello please gtfo” 44: who was the last person you were on the phone with? Josh 45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes? converse are just a classic  46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? Nah hats are a statement to me. I’m looking cute if I got a hat on.  47: would you ever go bald if it was the style? Nah I got a werid shaped face so I probs got a weird shaped head.  48: do you make supper for your family? I haven’t lived with them for a little bit but I probably will soon.  49: does your bedroom have a door? yeah fuck not having a door  50: top 3 web-pages? wikipedia, youtube, tumblr 51: do you know anyone who hates shopping? i know some that claim it but then get excited while we’re doing it so like idk 52: does anything on your body hurt? No. All limbs are accounted for too, things are looking good.  53: are goodbyes hard for you? No. I’m not sure if I am just good at supressing emotions or if they genuinly don’t bother me becuase of how connected you can be with phones and social media  54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? hahaha, probably alchohol.  55: how is your hair? I think it’s cute. The other night I decided to cut some of it and add pink streaks with one of my friends. Don’t worry, I’m fine.  56: what do you usually do first in the morning? scroll through twitter and avoid getting up for a solid 20 minutes  57: do you think two people can last forever?  Idk I think the basics of a happy healthy relationship are fairly simple but you have to have 2 people who want to consistantly work towards those things together and life gets hard so sometimes one person has to pick up the slack and that creates strain SO IDK  58: think back to january 2007, were you single? I was 10 and my only crush was on Josh Hutcherson  59: green or purple grapes? #allgrapesmatter (tbh I prefer purple though)  60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug? in 4 or 5 hours when my little sister wakes up for school  61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now? mentally, yeah. 62: when will be the next time you text someone? in the next 10 hours or so 63: where will you be 5 hours from now? hopefuly asleep  64: what were you doing at 8 this morning. sleeping. 65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked? I think this time last year I was the most single I had been in forever 66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? yes  67: did you kiss or hug anyone today? no :(  68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night? “I should probably shouldnt sleep in a pillow fort on my floor 3 nights in a row”  69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? of course 70: how many windows are open on your computer? i’ve got 9 open and one of them is just blank. why am I like this?  71: how many fingers do you have? … 72: what is your ringtone? a marimba remix of “hotline bling” by Drake  73: how old will you be in 5 months? 20 74: where is your mum right now? she fell asleep listening to a podcast  75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? We would never work as a couple. we are far too similiar and end up clashing instead of complimenting eachother and it’s just a mess. 76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? just my sister but she has tiny 4 year old hands and they are real cute  77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? yes and it’s very nice :))  78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? yeh this boy named Kane and he told me he liked me at the pencil sharpener awww  79: is there anyone you know with the name mike? lol my best friend from high school got a dad named Mike  80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yes. 81: how many people have you liked in the past three months? one 82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? yeah  83: will you talk to the person you like tonight? yep!  84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? fuck that 85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care? depends on the “drug” and how into it they were.  86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? last time i was in a theatre Josh had flown in from Boston to see me in Oregon and he fell asleep on me for the majority of the film but it was so cute and I love him lots so it didn’t matter.  87: who was your last received call from? Josh. December 13th 2017  88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? no that’s so mean and would make me sad.  89: what is something you wish you had more of? perspective. 90: have you ever trusted someone too much? yeah  91: do you sleep with your window open? I loved sleeping with my window open in Oregon becuase of all the rain  92: do you get along with girls? I don’t NOT get along with girls but I’ve had more male friends than female friends going all the way back to first grade  93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? nope!  94: does sex mean love? it can mean that if you ascribe said meaning to it but you do you  95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? no that would be the best thing ever 96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? nope!   97: did you sleep alone this week? Yeah :( Josh needs to come home for Winter break.  98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? yes, i have a few people. 99: do you believe in love at first sight? no but I like the fact that I noticed my boyfriend immediatly in fairly crowded place the first time I saw him  100: who was the last person that you pinky promise? idk maybe my boyfriend? Pinky promises are practically law so I wish I remembered. 

[survivorelsalvador]

EPISODE 8 - They Are Fake. I Feel Fake. Where Are The Real Loyal Bitches You Can Trust? - Lily

(If a confessional is just a gif or a picture then it was most likely Veronica, winner of Jeju Island, uwu <3)

AUSTIN

Sorry that I almost quit a few days ago LOL. Last nights tribal looked crazy and probably created lines where I can float by for a bit

RICHIE

"me yesterday: idk if im making a mistake giving chips the idol and i miss my idol so much im so sad to see it go :( me today, delusional: i really am the greatest strategic player of all time i truly did That™

regans gone which is sad because she's iconic but also not terrible because i know if i voted her out later on she would hate me so i dont have to do that now which saves me that emotional pain!!! but also im a little concerned because i thought josh was leaving and i was being fake af with him and now that he's still here and is going to want to target chips for obvious reasons... thats going to be a predicament "

LILY

I'm in alliance chats and they are fake. I feel fake. Where are the real loyal bitches you can trust? I can't trust anybody. Where did all the loyal people go? #wheremybitchesat also I hope I magically win this immunity but I doubt it because I can't draw.

KAI

This merge has been really really quiet.... it's kind of worrying

So. New alliance. Rob refuses to join which is understandable. Me, Lily and Dana. Hopefully this reunion goes well!

NICHOLAS

dana is a snake i dont trust her, but she is a lovable snake uwu

JOSH

DANA

Rob says he doesn't know what's going on in the game? Funny! Because I just had to look to see who exactly was on the tribe and we're going to tribal in under 4hrs. I know, I'm doing a STELLAR job. Literally someone try to play a better game than me. I voted for Ashton tonight. Idk haven't spoken to him, also haven't spoken to anybody, but what else is new? I told Willow, Lily, Kai, and Nicholas to vote the same way. Will they? Idk because 3/4 have no reason to trust me other than me telling them to do so, but these are the only people I even have working relationships with in this game, so I have to try and make it work. Hopefully I don't get voted off tonight, but if I do... I didn't really do much to try and stop it. All I have to say is PUT. ME. ON. THE. JURY.  

WILLOW

Ashton hasn't talked to me, so bye, hopefully

ZAKRIAH

Sjut up

CHIPS

"Let it be known that production has rigged against me again.

I submitted a blurb to go with my flag and they di not include it."

LILY

Well. Ashton was camping so has been very inactive. The group of five (zak willow Nicholas and josh along with Dana) are voting for him. I've got to convince kai to vote for zak or josh (sorry josh I know I owed you but like you never talked to me and didn't even submit a flag). I feel like the only people who are safe are me chips Dana and Richie cause we participated. Honestly sad that y'all couldn't pull together a flag for the judges to talk about. Like why would I vote for you at the end if you didn't even try to get immunity when you could? I love Richie so much and hope to go really far with him.

ASHTON

Well fuck me basicaly that's the simplest way to put it. I went kinda inactive for a few days while i was out in the woods so my name is naturally getting thrown around a lot. I have to rely on my allies at this point to flip kai onto our side giving us the votes.

RICHIE

"i won immunity woo :)

the original plan: me/lily/austin/ashton/chips vote josh and kai isnt on so we were hoping we would get him if he self voted on a revote....josh/willow/zak/dana/nicholas supposedly voting for ashton

but the thing is ive been aware that austin was the real swing vote because of his relationship with dana and i was hyperaware of that fact and i went to him and tried to solidify trust with him and make sure he knew that i genuinely actually wanted to work with him like playing with austin was legit my actual plan and 30 minutes before the vote i was concerned but hopeful he was with us but then lily came to me and said that austin told dana lily was voting for josh which means that its likely possible that he's not with us and that side has 6 so regardless we're fucked!!

okay so its liiiiiterally 9:58 and im like FUCK i need to try something cracked.... idk if i believe that theyre actually voting ashton because why would they tell us their vote it makes sense that hes the decoy..... hold on im crackedt tribal just happened and i think i fucked up????? tune in next week to find out how badly i just fucked up my game!

"

[leeshahatesyouu]

2:45am

Mood: why do I even exist? Dear tumblr; It's really fucking late and I can't sleep. Today (yesterday technically I guess) was for the most part pretty shitty. For the most part. My day started off with my mother telling me I was a burden for moving back into her house. But I don't understand this because I pay her money to be here and I go out pretty much every day. I'm never even 'home' I'm more semi nomadic if you will. Nevertheless that stung. I couldn't help my situation a month ago and I had nowhere else to go but here after the big move and such. So way to make me feel like more of a fuck up that was cool. And of course right after this I find out that my dad called up the ex asking him for the money he owes. Which like I get it yeah and I agree. My ex should have to pay for shit. He broke it off initially and I just decided I was done with the bullshit too. So it was mutual I guess. Anyway long story short he owes my parentals money and refuses to pay up. If he decided to be done then he owes what my parents put down for the wedding he ruined. I mean I didn't even try on a single dress so really does it even count? I'm just over it. I'm totally over him. I was over him before I even left he house that week. Spent every night depressed as fuck unable to move and the asshole wouldn't even touch me or look at me. Like I was a literal pile of shit. But I mean it makes sense knowing he was fucking around the whole time and I want no fucking part of that. I deserve better. I'm worth more than that. I refuse to sign my life away for some dickhead who can't keep his dick to one person. I'm over him and everything about him. The only part of this whole whirlwind I'm stuck on is how bad he fucked with me head the whole time. Like I don't even know who I am as a person anymore? I lost all sight of myself. I saw/still see myself as ugly and worthless and incapable of being loved. He would always make fun of everything I liked and constantly had to keep tabs on me. I couldn't even leave the house or have friends without his permission and that shit isn't fucking healthy at all. Hell my therapist met him ONCE and was like 'yeah this guy is a master manipulator and he's only capable of toxic relationships' which is kind of fucking insane and why the fuck did I stay and put up with that shit for as long as I did? I know I realized too late how awful he is. But I guess realizing shit late is better than just ignoring it and being trapped in a cage for the rest of my life. I'm free now. I'm just struggling to be me again. I don't know who I want to be now that those decisions are only up to me now. I just feel free. Like I can pick out what I want to wear and finally be a badass bitch like I know I am. But I currently feel like Bambi wobbly and shakily standing on my own. If I start walking too fast I know I'm going to fall right on my face. Hey as long as the outside world doesn't see me as Bambi I would say I'm fine. The world only sees the parts of you that you wish to show off. I just have to pick what I want the world to see now. Who am I? On my own? Can I even manage without having someone attached to my hip? I'm so codependent it's fucking insane. I've been making all the wrong life choices in the beginning. Like drinking myself under the table and partying until late into the night almost every night. But Thursday I went out and spilled an entire jack and coke DIRECTLY INTO my purse because apparently drunk me was like YAS LETS SAVE THIS FOR LATER. Great. Thanks for looking out for sober me. What a champ. Clearly horrible life choices. I know I need to change absolutely. Two drink limit from now on. That shit ain't cute and one of these days I'm going to end up killing myself trying to drive home and I don't want that to happen either. I'm self aware about that now. Although I do have to say I haven't gotten hungover at alllll in the last month partying which is a fucking kiss from the gods if I ever saw one. The other poor life choice I feel like I actually have more of a handle on lately. Thankfully. During the past two years with aforementioned ex I had only heard that I looked good three times. Just three. Which honestly is a huge issue for me because if I don't hear that my SO thinks I'm attractive then I start to believe that I'm ugly and unworthy of attention. Psychological bullshit but still true. Anyway in the beginning I had my fun with tinder and bumble because initially I wanted to see if anyone actually found me remotely attractive because why the fuck not. And let me tell you the confidence boosting fucking worked. I feel better about myself now than I had in a while. But of course with going on very casual dates for booze and free food (I'm not sorry. I still had fun. And I was always upfront about those intentions. I'm not a scumbag.) these casual dates still caught feeling after I had said that nothing was gonna happen. I'm positive I broke that kids heart and I feel awful about it. But I was upfront the whole time. I still feel guilty though. I hate hurting people. And at the same time in a really twisted fucked up kind of way I feel like I needed to hurt someone in order to feel better about my own situation? I'm just guessing for my subconscious reasoning I suppose. Doesn't make it any less shitty. I always feel like a tornado. I ruin everything I come in contact with. I don't mean to. I have good intentions I swear I do. I'm like that kid in kindergarten that finds a broken toy and tries to fix it but in the process the teacher comes over and assumes I broke it myself. All I do is try to help and nothing ever works out for me. In a sad way I've gotten used to the let down. But I really fucking hope that passes soon. I just want something to turn out okay for me for once. Universe if you're listening please please please make something work right in my life I'm getting desperate here. I've been hanging out with an old friend recently. Which is really nice don't get me wrong at all. But he's one of those friends I used to have a thing for way back when but it'll never ever happen in our current universe. For the first time I don't want him relationship wise and it's awesome. We can just chill and actually be friends now with no weird undertones of unspoken feelings. I'm glad to have him in my circle as a close friend. The tension only made things weird with us way back and I'm glad that tension doesn't exist anymore. Speaking of relationships and casual whatevers I think I'm finally ready to be consistent with someone. I don't want to jump into a relationship right away or anything. It's still soonish and I really want to take things slow this time around. But I'm ready to hang out with someone regularly with the potential for something serious a few months down the road. I just want to snuggle up together and get high and talk about the universe. I want to go on little adventures and be spontaneous. I want to take my time falling for the next one. I trip and stumble easy but next time I fall I want whoever to be really fucking ready to catch me. I want to enjoy every second of it and love so much harder than I ever have. I'm never dulling my sparkle for someone else again and whoever comes into my life next should know that. I want nothing but love and support and a healthy relationship this time. I'm ready. I got this. And of course I saved the best part of my day for last. My one little beacon of hope and anticipation honestly probably saved me today. So thank you. Seriously you have no idea. Trouble never felt so good. You make me feel fucking sexy and it's amazing. I can tell you're so down with getting weird and I love that. We have good conversations and such already and ugh. I really hope you think the same things of me. Maybe. Idk. I'm not a mind reader and I always jump to conclusions. I can tell we're on the same spacey wavelength and it's been a while since someone can vibe exactly in sync (n*sync lol) with me. I just wish you didn't fall asleep on me tonight in the middle of our conversation. But shit happens. You'll make it up to me I'm sure. I still can't wait to spend a day with you. Anyway. So yeah. That's my whole life story at the moment I guess. Just feeling kinda blah all the time and like I'm floating in the void. I'm really in need of saving. I need someone to have the confidence in me that I lack myself. My fingers are crossed for better tomorrows. The waves are still trying to pull me under and I can only keep my head out of the water so long. No matter how far down I go the water still gets in my lungs and makes me choke. Pretty soon I'll be under and drowning. But we all float on anyway. I didn't want to end this on such a shitty note. Ah fuck it. Nothing ends the way we expect it to in life either. Screw expectations. Love always; me