#if all works out i start uni not next fall. but in ... january... haahahahaHAHHAHAHHAHDBFHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA good god

[ironmanstan]

Bro is sick and sleeping way too much and cramming in portfolio pieces and yet accepting extra volunteer work

[emma-what-son]

(Echee post) Did Emma Watson actually graduate from Brown University? Special treatment at college?

Posted on November 8, 2015

*PS this is a work in progress, will take a few days to get it in order...so apologies if it is incomplete Intro Emma has been talking about how important education is to her since she was 10. Even during the first interviews for Harry Potter promotion, back in 2001 for Philosopher's Stone, she was adamant about going to college. She's continuously said how important college/education is throughout the Harry Potter promotion years, but does what she say match up with what she actually did? She was playing along with that bullshit "Classy, educated" image she and her PR team (like her publicist Luke) have crafted for her, the one where she claims she is exactly the same as Hermione, the beloved character from the Harry Potter franchise. Course though, she's contradicted herself on that multiple, multiple times - sometimes saying she's exactly like Hermione, and other times claiming they're extremely different. There was some extremely strange stuff going down with Emma's Brown University Education though....as will be revealed below. And you'll have to start wondering if she actually did graduate or how much, how extensive and enormous, was the amount of special, unequal treatment she got for being a celebrity and a feminist (College campuses love pandering to social justice warriors/feminists - part of it is a natural love for them and another part is Obama forcing them to through the OCR and Title IX) Emma's Education Emma entered Brown University the Fall of 2009. Brown is a private, 4 year university/college in America. Emma entered Brown as an international student studying on an F-1 Visa. Okay Emma didn't do much BS during her first 3 semester (Fall 2009, Spring 2010, Fall 2010) at Brown and seemed to study there like most normal students, but it's after the first three semesters that things started getting extremely strange and Emma started telling a whole bunch of lies. Emma constantly raved about how awesome college is and gave every single impression she was going back to Brown in Spring 2011. getSurrey November 2010: getSurrey: Will you carry on acting? Emma: I will keep on acting. I’ve just been in a film called My Week With Marilyn. I’ve just finished shooting that. But finishing university is a priority. But I hope I do lots more things. I don’t really want to be put in a box – just yet. I’m not exactly sure. University Magazine Interview by Colin Turner (November 2010?): (Okay just note that this interview came out in June/July 2011 for Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 2 Promotion, but Emma mentions in the interview she just finished filming My Week with Marilyn, which happened in November 2010. Uni magazine is this student run magazine, so I'm assuming they don't do monthly issues (don't have the money/people for that) so it takes them several months to release an issue.) Colin Turner: You’ve gone to university, obviously, do you imagine taking up acting in the future or are you just seeing what happens? Emma: I just did a movie, finished something last week, “My week with Marilyn”, which is exciting. No, I think I’ll just keep doing things. But my education is my number one priority at the moment and everything else comes around that really. Parade Magazine Interview November 2010 (Emma Watson's Campus Confidential, interviewed by Jeanne Wolf): "I get some amazing offers to act, and sometimes it’s hard to say, “No, I’m going to stay here and do my homework.” People are like, “What do you mean she’s not available?” I may do some theater next summer, but this college experience is really important to me, and I won’t give it up for anything. I’m not going to school just for the academics–I wanted to share ideas, to be around people who are passionate about learning."

Echee says: Okay, notice how in November 2010 and even right up until January 17, Emma claims/gives the strong impression she's definitely going back to Brown University for the Spring 2011 semester. Big lol at the "this college experience is really important to me, and I won’t give it up for anything" two months before she did. By the way I have to mention the whole "Sorry for long absence from here - so much to do and so little time to do it in before I go back to school! Hope you're all ok x" was originally a tweet from Emma's @EmWatson twitter account but after she left university she deleted it lol. The picture I posted is from the official (that's why there's the blue check mark) Emma Watson Facebook page run by both Emma and her team. I guess she forgot to delete the facebook post after she deleted her tweet. For Spring 2011, the first day of classes was January 26 (per the academic calendar). Yet even at January 17, Emma stated she was getting ready to go back to school, hence her "so little time to do it in before I go back to school!" How the fuck can she be confused 1 week before classes start whether she's taking a personal leave of absence or not? Brown University Personal Leave of Absence Deadline

Brown University 3 types of leaves of absence

Okay, so of Brown University's three types of leaves of absence, Emma took personal. The deadline to declare you're taking next semester off is December 1, hence the Brown policy "If you are planning to take leave for the spring semester (Semester 2), you must declare by Dec. 1st." Either Emma was lying and trying to delay revealing she was taking time off to do her Perks of Being a Wallflower filming and BS Lancôme makeup and perfume work (very possible since she lies so much), or she was honestly undecided until right before, and thus requested special, unequal treatment that despite her missing the deadline, she should be allowed to take a leave of absence. Anyway I think it was special treatment from Brown allowing their publicity cow to get what she wanted. That means she was clearly lying in her January 17 tweet about going back to school.

This from Amanda Foreman, Emma's interviewer, for Emma's Vogue Magazine July 2011 interview: Emma struggled valiantly to fit everything into her life, becoming increasingly exhausted, until over Christmas advisors at Brown suggested that she take a leave of absence, a turn of events Yates was not surprised by. Notice how the Vogue article says it was "over Christmas"....Christmas Break for Brown starts after December 1, the deadline. First off, unless Emma's doctor signed off on it, then it was NOT a medical leave of absence, and her advisors gave her special treatment since she missed the personal leave of absence deadline already. And You know December 25 is over 3 weeks after the December 1st deadline, so that's an amazingly long extension despite the severe, absolute terms of "You must declare by December 1". Anyway, wowza, off to a bad start....getting special treatment when you're quitting school temporarily. Well, whatever, it's equality feminist Emma Watson that we are talking about here. She runs her mouth off talking about feminism and equality and whatever but like most Western (usually Caucasian) privileged feminists, have no idea what she's talking about. Despite Brown's Spring 2011 semester starting at the end of January, Emma kept quiet about all this until March 7, 2011. She announced it on her website EmmaWatson.com (which is now defunct and shut down): Here's her statement on March 7, 2011: As you know, I love Brown and I love studying pretty much more than anything. But recently I've had so much to juggle that being a student AND fulfilling my other commitments has become a little impossible. I've decided to take a bit of time off to completely finish my work on Harry Potter (the last one comes out this summer) and to focus on my other professional and acting projects. I will still be working towards my degree … it's just going to take me a semester or two longer than I thought : ) Hope you are all well! Thank you for all your continuing support. Emma xx.

On February 10, 2011 (well after the Brown semester had started), Emma confirms on twitter that she will be filming Perks of Being a Wallflower, which interfered with Brown (Brown school date ends May 20, Perks started filming May 9) and she had also already had various talks and was close to finalizing a deal with Lancôme. And she knew she would have to do some filming work for Lancôme commercials in the coming months. At this point clearly she was taking the semester off and yet she didn't announce it until March 7, 2011. Why'd she wait an entire month??? Why be so secretive of it? Just like how a week before classes started she was claiming she was getting ready to go back to school. And then why wait another month before she and Harry Potter publicist Vanessa Davies, release more details of this leave of absence? April 23, 2011 Press Release to Associated Press: LONDON (AP) — A spokeswoman for Harry Potter star Emma Watson says she will be transferring from Brown University to another university in the autumn. Vanessa Davies denied reports that the 21-year-old actress was "bullied out" of the Rhode Island university, saying there was no truth in reports by a number of online publications who cited classmates and "insiders". Davies said Saturday that Watson, who plays Hermione in the wizard movie series, has decided to pursue a different course not offered at Brown. She added that the star "has absolutely loved her time at Brown" and made many good friends there. Watson has recently taken time out of her studies to focus on her movie career. She has said that her first days in college were difficult. Davies did not identify the university Watson will be transferring to. Emma releases a statement April 30, 2011 on her website EmmaWatson.com (now defunct): I felt the need to let you all know the reason I took a semester off from Brown had nothing to do with bullying as the media have been suggesting recently. I have never been bullied in my life and certainly never at Brown. This "10 points to Gryffindor" incident never even happened. I feel the need to say this because accusing Brown students of something as serious as bullying and this causing me to leave seems beyond unfair. Please don't try and speculate about what I might do in September - no one can possibly know because I don't even know yet! Like my other fellow Brown students I am trying to figure out my third year and whether or not I will spend it abroad (this is common).

If you wondered why Emma let Vanessa Davies announce the transferring information, instead of Emma just announcing it on her website a week later, it's because Davies is head of publicity at Harry Potter, so they were working out how best to frame the narrative that Emma is still a hardworking student. Don't forget, ~200 million is spent on Harry Potter marketing for HP Deathly Hallows and Davies is part of that team and one of the heads. Warner Brothers had to protect their little cash cow until the movies were over and Emma couldn't damage their profits. Also, the Harry Potter spokesperson, Vanessa Davies, says Emma will be "transferring" but from Emma's own message (and it's later revealed), she was actually only just studying abroad, not transferring. Weird. April 2011 Associated Press Interview: I just knew I was going to be beating myself up because I wasn't going to be able to be doing the best that I knew that I could at school or in my job. If I'd been getting B's or C's I would've been really upset. Wonderland Magazine February 2014: You realize you can't do everything. I really did think I could do it all - commute back to the UK for Potter filming and press, then go to Brown for finals, and keep up with my friends and family. You can't do it by the way. You do have to take breaks. It's how I became interested in meditation and yoga. I developed bedtime rituals. Elle Magazine UK November 2011: Of course Harry Potter got in the way, with its relentless round of reshoots and promotion, meaning that Emma had to temporarily halt her studies at the start of this year. "I was basically commuting across the Atlantic. Taking a semester out wasn't what I wanted to do, but I am still enrolled at Brown." Collider.com Interview with Steve Weintraub November 14, 2010: Well, I keep trying to but she keeps finding her way back into my life. I still have two movies left to promote, and they’re still cutting and editing Part 2 so I might have to do some more voice recording and other stuff for it, so it’s a very gradual goodbye. I’m being eased out of it gently........I mean we are special, it is Harry Potter. But we only had two days—I was being sarcastic (laughs). Sorry, I have to like fill that in because otherwise it will be written, “we are special!” (laughs). But yeah we only had two days to shoot it and we needed so much more time than that. So yeah, we have reshoots at Christmas. So it’s not over. It’s not over yet guys! Echee says: Okay, what? Notice how in Wonderland Emma claims she was busy filming for Harry Potter and her Elle Magazine interviewer claims the same. Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 1 and Part 2 filming ended in June 2010, and then for less than a week they had to reshoot the epilogue in December 2010 (they reshot around Christmas time, so Emma had already finished her Brown Semester). They re-shot the epilogue because the makeup/CGI made the actors look elderly instead of middle aged. Also, HP and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 premiere was July 15, 2011. Generally press begins one month in advance (though you might do some magazine interviews 3-4 months in advance). Emma was not seen at any events/doing press until beginning of July 2011. She was stuck in Pittsburgh doing Perks of Being a Wallflower filming (which took place from May 9 to June 29, 2011) Emma was also filming for and doing work on her Lancôme stuff in March/April. How can she claim she was too busy during the Spring 2011 school year (which was from January 26 - May 20) with Potter filming and promotion? She did none of that. The overlap she had with school and non-school stuff was Perks filming and Lancôme filming/promotion. It had NOTHING to do with taking time off for Potter. Plus she was negotiating those deals for Perks in January 2011 and for Lancôme in December-ish. There was ZERO reason for her to take time off from school, but she did, because she was desperate for fame/money, and she blamed it on Potter to hide the truth. PopSugar On-Set May/June 2011 Interview with

Shannon Vestal Robson: Shannon: Have you read the book, and do you feel pressure to live up to it? Emma: I read the script first and then I read the book. It was so funny because I read the script and I came back to Brown and I told my roommates that I've just read this amazing script, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and my friends were like, "Oh, that's my favorite book. So jealous that you get to play Sam. If I was ever going to be in a movie, if I was ever going to play any character ever, it would be Sam. Notice how Emma mentions going back to Brown and asking her Brown roommates (Scout Willis, Madison Utendahl, etc.) about the book. So even during the Fall 2010 Semester, she was secretly thinking of filming Perks next year. And remember the interviews I posted above (from November 2010) where she claimed education and university came first? BS. She was already planning back in September 2010 (when she went back to Brown) about leaving next year. Also, remember this. Emma is claiming she was overworked with Brown and Potter stuff.....why in September 2010 was she looking at possible filming projects that would coincide with Spring 2011 Semester and Summer? If you claim you are overworked, why are you looking to add on more, extra, unnecessary work. She was also negotiating her Lancôme deal in December 2010 as well. Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 2 New York City Press Conference July 2011 (Listen at 17:30): "I'm going to Oxford, in the fall, to study English for a year. Just to explain, I haven't left Brown. I'm still enrolled at Brown, but I'm doing my third year abroad. Studying at home, abroad, for me. So I'll go back to the States to do my last year. I took a semester off but my A-Level credits actually count as an advance-place-me-out-a-semester so I'm no further behind, I'm still technically going into my third year. So, yeah, that's that." Something to remember is how Vanessa Davies (when the Harry Potter spokeswoman announced Emma was transferring from Brown in April)says "Watson, who plays Hermione in the wizard movie series, has decided to pursue a different course not offered at Brown". On Emma's EmmaWatson.com website in the FAQ section (undated), she says this: I was seriously torn as to whether to stay in the UK or go to the States as let's face it the UK has some of the best universities in the world. But, ultimately, I loved the course at Brown and really liked the idea of experiencing a different country and culture - and I must say I've never been happier, I absolutely love Brown. So strange how Emma + her Harry Potter spokesperson contradict each other. Emma claims she purposefully chose Brown (instead of staying in the UK for university) because she loved Brown's course, but then the spokesperson said the reason Emma is transferring is because Emma was sad that Brown didn't have the course she wanted to take. Emma reveals in the press conference that she will be studying English a Oxford. The thing is, Emma was and did graduate as an English Literature major. So Brown did have the course she wanted to take (which is what she earlier said). Okay so Watson claims here that despite taking an entire semester (3-5 classes) off, she's no further behind than the rest of her classmates. Damn, this girl must be such a hard worker to not fall behind. Still, is she telling the truth, lying as usual, or begging/threatening Brown University to give her special, unequal treatment? Fact checking Watson's "advance-place-me-out-a-semester" claim Brown University Office of the Registrar - The College, Advanced Standing Guidelines

Anyway, there's a lot of information and I only parsed out a bit of it, but here's a quick summary. Basically, to graduate from Brown University, you need to take a minimum of 30 classes during your college years (can be at Brown or other approved colleges) and also a minimum of 8 semesters. Just to mention, A-Levels are the UK equivalent of American Advanced Placement (A.P.) courses or International Baccalaureate (IB) courses. Also, when Brown says "credits" they mean courses/classes. So, yes, Emma told the truth in that her semester standing is no further behind because her A-Levels counted as an extra semester. However! Emma is still behind in total number of classes taken because A-Levels do not count towards your degree requirement of 30 classes/courses. So she needs to take more classes per semester than the average person since she's behind.

Vanity Fair May 2010 Interview: After shopping classes, she settled on European women's history, Ovid's Metamorphoses, and acting. “I think actually I'm the worst person in the class,” says Watson cheerily. So in Emma's first semester (that's the time period they're talking about), Emma took 3 classes - women's history (lol at this feminist class), Ovid, and acting. Brown requires students to take 3-5 classes a semester and so Emma took the bare minimum....kind of super lazy for someone so excited to get to college and start learning and whatever else she's been spouting for years. Okay, Brown's most basic, elementary requirement that ALL students have to fulfill to graduate is to take 30 classes. Since Emma only took 3 classes her first semester, that means 30 - 3 = 27 classes left to take over 7 semesters. Since Emma took a semester off but claims advanced standing, meaning she wants to graduate in May 2013 (September 2009 - May 2013), that means...... 27 classes over 6 total semesters. 27 / 6 = 4.5 classes per semester This I will go into detail in below, later, but just a heads up, Emma also took the Fall 2012 Semester off in order to film Noah. Because Emma had enough A-Levels, she did indeed get 2 semesters of advanced standing, but to graduate in 6 semesters means...... 30 minimum classes to graduate / 6 semesters = 5 classes a semester every semester Brown only allows you to take a max of 5 classes a semester and since Emma only took 3 classes her very first semester at Brown, it means it's impossible for Emma to graduate by May 2013 without special, unequal treatment....special treatment being either lowering the required 30 classes or allowing her to take 6 classes a semester, but come on, Emma is super lazy and unprofessional. Can you honestly see this girl doing 6 classes a semester when she lazily only took 3 classes her first semester? Freshman year is the easiest you know.... And their 30 classes requirement is their most basic requirement - to let her worm her way out of it would be absolutely disgusting.

[sadaboutniall]

something about you;

introduction | masterlist | tag | wattpad

Eight. January, 2009. 

He can’t get enough of kissing her. 

Isla is his girlfriend now, has been for over two months, and Niall still can’t get enough of it: can’t get enough of walking with his arm around her in the hallway at school, can’t get enough of bringing her name up in front of Colm during practice, can’t get enough of the sight of her in his jumpers, can’t get enough of this, right now, the way he has her laid out underneath him on his twin-sized bed, his hands up under her jumper, her fingers tangled in his hair. They’ve been kissing for what feels like hours and he’s insatiable, riled up, pulls away every time he has to breathe only to feel like he’s suffocating without her mouth on his. He can’t imagine he’ll ever get enough of her. He can’t imagine ever going anywhere if she’s not around. 

And she’s the same way—Isla’s never been particularly shy around him but he knows now that there’s a whole side of her no one gets to see, a layer just for him, where she’s passionate and loving and soft, never satisfied with just one more kiss, just one more cuddle. He thinks about when he met her, 7 years old and looking at him on the ground, covered in mud, and looks at her now almost exactly seven years later, sprawled out underneath him, a deep, purple hickey blossoming on her neck. The thought of how far they’ve come makes him want to cry. 

Still straddling her, Niall sits back on his haunches, hands resting on Isla’s hips. It’s only a few days into January and outside Niall’s bedroom window it’s snowing—thick, heavy flakes falling to the ground fast and hard. It started hours ago and there’s a claustrophobic blanket of it covering the grass, the street, the trees, the cars, muffling every sound, softening every light. Night falls in mid-afternoon in January, too, making it feel like 11pm when it’s just barely 6:30. Isla’s been over since 10am and they spent the day mostly like this: snogging, napping, cuddling, laughing. She brought a book over and curled up next to him while he played guitar, they fucked around on FIFA together for a few hours, rolling over laughing as they designed the ugliest possible kits they could imagine, gave their squads the stupidest names they could think up. He made her an omelette for lunch—ham and cheese, her favorite—and almost choked to death laughing when she started joking about their head teacher, a spot-on impersonation that almost terrified him with how good it was. 

When he’s with Isla, Niall doesn’t feel that familiar desperation to get out, that dread that his life is going to stop here, slam up against a brick wall on the edges of Mullingar and wither away. He still wants to get out but he thinks about doing it with her: he can figure something out for himself in London while she’s at uni and he can build something he’s proud of, wherever Isla is. He feels safe with her, less afraid of time pushing forward, of his life fading away. 

‘You thinking about something?’ Isla slides her palms up Niall’s thighs and he focuses back in on the moment. Back in on his Isla. ‘You’ve got your thinking face on.’

‘Just uni and stuff,’ it’s easy, Niall’s found, not to keep things from Isla. He doesn’t feel stupid telling her what he’s thinking, even though he knows she’s a million miles smarter than he’ll ever be. ‘London.’

‘What about it?’ When Isla asks questions they’re gentle. Not probing, not accusatory. He doesn’t feel like she’ll laugh at his answers, or tell him the things he wants are out of reach. 

‘Dunno, just,’ he scratches the back of his neck. ‘What I can do in London, while you’re at uni. I don’t know if I’ve got the marks to get into a music conservatory. I can try to do pub gigs, odd jobs, things like that, but I’ll need to figure out accommodation and rent in London is so expensive and—’

‘Niall, Niall,’ Isla reaches up to cup Niall’s cheek. Her hands are warm and soft and he calms down almost immediately. ‘We’ve got ages still. But we can look at conservatory programs and unis and stuff tomorrow if you want. I’m looking after Aiden while you’re at football practice but if you want to come over afterward we can use my dad’s computer.’ 

‘You’d look with me?’ Niall’s never felt like his future has been of that much interest to anyone. 

‘Yeah, of course. We could go talk to Mrs. Healy, too, get her advice.’

‘Oh, Jesus,’ Niall grimaces at the thought of spending time with the school’s guidance counsellor, her suffocating office in the back of the administration building, the overwhelming cloud of perfume that follows everywhere she goes. ‘Spare me.’

Isla laughs, her nose scrunching up as she does. ‘I think she wears all that perfume to cover up the smell of her crush on Mr. O’Hagan.’

‘Stop,’ Niall’s jaw drops, Isla still laughing underneath him. He loves the way her laugh gets when she’s not self-conscious—her double chin, her lopsided smile, a cackle in the back of her throat. Her laugh is so funny that it sets him off too more often than not, and he’s already giggling before he can finish the rest of his sentence. ‘Do you really think?’

‘Oh my God, totally. Have you seen the way she moons over him? I bet she keeps a lock of his hair in her bra, or something.’

‘Is that what girls do when they have crushes?’ Niall’s sure his face is beet red from laughter, but he doesn’t care. ‘Do you need a lock of mine for yourself?’

‘Don’t flatter yourself,’ Isla leans up for another kiss, smiling against his lips. ‘The hair would need to be natural.’

-- 

When Isla’s dad comes to pick her up at 8, Niall walks her to the door. She’s wrapped up in one of his jumpers and a scarf but he can still see the dark hickey he left on her neck this afternoon, and Niall’s dad can, too, when he says goodnight to Isla in the kitchen. 

Niall kisses her goodnight at the door and watches until the tail lights of her dad’s car disappear around the corner. The snow is still falling and his heart feels like the center of the universe, buoyed by endless possibilities for the future. 

When he steps back into the kitchen, Bobby is leaning against the counter. 

‘You’re being safe with her, Niall?’ He asks it straight out and the surprise attack works exactly the way it should: Niall doesn’t have time to think about his answer, to weigh whether or not it’s worth lying.

‘We’re not doing that, da,’ he says, and it’s the truth. He wants to, one day. He knows Mully and Emilia are, and a couple of his other friends, too. They’ve done a little touching, him and Isla, but nothing more than that—nothing that’s gone very far. 

Bobby nods, and Niall exhales, relieved his dad believes him. ‘When you do, you can tell me. I don’t want you to make any stupid mistakes.’

‘Thanks, da,’ Niall makes moves for the stairs, but Bobby calls his name again. He turns back around. 

‘She’s a sweet girl, Niall. I like her. Be good to her.’

‘I will, da.’

‘Boys your age can be eejits without realizing it. I just want you to use your head.’

‘You don’t need to worry about that, da. I’m not gonna do anything stupid. I love her.’ He hasn’t said it before, but it comes out easy, natural, the most logical thing in the world. He does love her. There’s no question about it, nothing scary about it, nothing new about it. He’s known it, he realizes, for the better part of a decade now—there hasn’t been a moment of his life since that day in 2000 that he hasn’t, in some way, carried the thought of her through. There hasn’t been a night without a dream about her, an afternoon without a few hours spent fantasizing about life with her. He feels safe and full and like things matter when Isla’s there. He feels happier with her than he could ever imagine being without her. He loves her. He has loved her for a long, long time.

‘Have you told her that?’ Bobby’s asking, and Niall shakes his head. 

‘Not yet.’

Bobby nods. ‘Be careful.’

####

taglist: @stylishmuser @thicksniall @stayclose-holdsteady @niallhoranruinsme @ajayque @flickerswinehouse @1dfangirls35 @crocodileniall @halfpinthoran 

join the taglist here

[bellamygateoldblog]

So, I read a lot of your personal posts and I'm just really curious about you. You seem very stressed out and tired all the time. Are you a college student? Are you just in a financial situation that necessitates that you work all the time? I just feel bad because It seems that you do not absorb joy very much. Like, I have seen that you recently started watching that show The 100. You seem very pissed off about it and yet keep watching it? You confuse and intrigue me. Explain?

"it seems that you do not absorb joy very much" has been playing on my mind ever since i read this. It hit something close to my heart.

I know i’m not obligated to explain anything and i don’t tend to put my life online (i don’t have any social media, so that should give you an idea of how secretive i usually am) but i literally stayed awake for 30 hours straight before sleeping for 15 hours straight and of course i don’t feel very well after that lol. I feel like i need to talk through some things that i’ve been keeping to myself for a long time. Get it out of my head, stop carrying it around, maybe gain some control over it.

I never intend to make anyone feel bad though, but i don’t have anyone to talk to so i guess i sometimes make those posts as a substitute for someone listening. Or for me being pissed about the 100, i think that’s my mood translating into what i end up posting in general.

Anyways this is A Lot. I obviously don’t mind if you read it. Advice would be nice, if anyone has any.

I’m a 2nd year university student. Due to severe mental illness (often making me physically sick and exhausted) these last 2 years have been extremely difficult so that's left me in a very intense situation essentially just trying to ensure i pass the year. That means handing in all the assignments i deferred basically all at the same time, after not attending the year at all. Like no lectures, no workshops, no lessons, nothing past the first month of semester 1. It's really not an ideal situation and my condition isn't improving the way i thought it would (you know when you think ‘this is the worst it can possibly get’ and then it gets worse?), and i can't focus. I’m resourceful and naturally decently smart, so i’m able to still pass a year of uni without...going. I’ve become less capable over time but because of other life experience i don’t place value on academic excellence anymore and because of covid there is a benchmark anyway, where my grade can’t drop below a 2:2, so basically i’m good as long as i don’t recieve a fail grade on anything. But that being said it’s still really hard to get things done anyway despite this? especially with depression and concentration issues, because uni in general just makes me really unhappy and disrupts my entire life, and i’d rather do literally anything else.

I can’t function whenever thinking about school in general. If im stressed about something i can’t think about anything else and it ends up seeping into other things im doing.

I have a really clear idea of what i want for the next step in my life and university is the only route available to get to so that’s why i’m still going through all of this when i could technically just ‘stop’. I’ve explored other ideas already and it appears even more stressful and complicated to make a huge change now. Even though i know 3rd year will be harder (which is also a source of stress, anxiety over what’s to come when im already struggling...).

I've been talking to my uni the whole time and while they've been understanding and accommodating (psychology department...like...they Know lol), there's only so much they can do to help me. Everyone i’ve spoken to is genuienly amazed i am where i am, but imo my resilience is bourne out of pure spite not to let my life fall apart along with myself LMAO. I have one assignment deadline left which is tomorrow. It’s the hardest one yet, i haven’t started and i’m filled with dread, and i’m so burned out i have no idea how i’m going to get it done.

To give some context about the whole ‘i can’t help myself when i’m under stress’ thing: I’m a really feminine girl. I have health and beauty routines that i like to stick to, but i can’t stick to them right now so i don’t feel like myself. There is nothing more to my life than stress and depression. I’m pretty sure i experienced dissociation for a few days last week. It was like i didn’t exist.

Just so happens that when i thought i could finally have a break from the extreme stress there are exams coming up on the 11th, which my uni has for some reason decided to make harder!?!? And i need to tell you that because it’s been bugging me ever since i recieved the email. They've completely changed the exams from being 1 hour long multiple choice tests (multiple choice is so easy smh) to basically a group of short answer questions we have 24 hours (each!) to write and submit and it’s seeming like i’ve got another 5 assignments to do after already writing 7 in the past month. It’s open book while the January exams were closed but it still seems to me like the students who didn’t defer (who did the exams back in January) got an unfair advantage over those of us taking them now due to our own circumstances. So I’m confused and upset about that, and about the thought that i probably won’t even get a break before 3rd year begins.

My living situation doesn’t make it better. It’s a really negative and emotionally draining space for me to be in. Just adding to my being drawn to negativity, and my own sensitivity. And covid has made everything that much more complicated, with everything changing and being closed etc. I’m completely alone btw, there is no one i can lean on.

As for the 100, that’s really tricky. I actually stopped “watching” it last year and now mostly consume it through fandom tumblr. I'm just not in the right headspace to sit alone and watch such a heavy show (clearly LMAO). But I’m so comfortable in this circle of fandom & love my mutuals, so i stay. I am actually liking a lot about the final season, like they’re delivering everything i wanted them to lol, but it’s so flawed and easy to complain about when you have a predisposition to be a Negative Nancy all the time so here we are.

I think i don’t really talk so extensively about shows I really love because i feel like i don’t have anything substancial to say about them besides ‘i love it’? Like i just sit there and happily watch and the farthest i go is commenting gibberish love confessions in the tags of a gifset i reblog. So most of my posts end up being me being petty or something. I do want to focus more on shows i love but like i said...it’s so hard for me sometimes to be all-positive and pretend i’m not completely crushed?

I really just want to not be so stressed and exhausted all the time. I want to do something besides worry about and/or do work. I’d love to clean my space & take a shower & read a book without a nagging anxiety in the back of my head. But i have to wait it out, and then wait it out, and continue waiting it out because it feels like things are going to be this way forever or get even worse.

I’ve had a lot of good luck lately though, and i don’t know what your beliefs are but i think someone is watching over me.

[saedii-gilwraeth-simp]

Operation Arsinoe and Billy - one-shot

Hell yeah new fic time. This is just a quick one shot to act as a seperator from my previous fic to my next one but I love it nonetheless

Operation Arsilly Bilsinoe Arsinoe x Billy (Junoe)

Objective: Get our dumb chaotic bisexual professor friends together because their pining is fucking Jules you can’t write that fucking annoying.

January 17 - Jules

For someone currently getting a needle through her ear, Arsinoe is smiling. She had decided that despite being a professor of political science, a new set of earrings (her eighth) would be a good look to come back to the school year with. Jules just thought she was trying to impress someone.

Probably the “cute” law professor down the hall. Arsinoe and Billy were friends but it was Jules’ job as Arsinoe’s best friend to set them up, since they so obviously wouldn’t do it themselves.

But she couldn’t do it herself. She needed help. And what better help than someone who was close with both her subjects?

January 30 - Mirabella

When Jules Milone had told Mirabella Queen that they had to work together to get her sister and friend together, Mirabella had sighed. She knew that meddling with Arsinoe’s love life was never, ever a good idea and that Mirabella should respect her privacy. Alas, Jules did not seem to understand this concept.

So, Mirabella agreed to help, if only to keep Jules from completely enraging her sister with her lack of subtlety or tact.

February 2 - Jules

Arsinoe was up early the first day of the new university term, waking Jules with the sound of their dog returning with Arsinoe from her run. Jules’ kitten, Camden, climbed on her chest and pawed at Jules’ face until she opened her eyes.

Day one of the plan initiate.

Jules threw herself out of bed and super casually entered the kitchen where Arsinoe was sitting on the bench eating toast while scrolling through her phone. Arsinoe acknowledged her with a smile and went back to scrolling.

“So, back at school today? You happy to see your students?” Arsinoe shrugged and nodded, her face still stuffed with Vegemite toast. Jules turns away and feigns picking her nails. “Are you excited to see some members of staff, such as, oh I don’t know, Billy Chatworth,” Jules smiles at the slight choking sound Arsinoe makes behind her. Jules schools her face into concern and turns to face Arsinoe. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m good. And I guess it’ll be good to see some of my work friends.”

February 6 - Mirabella

She was spying on her sister. She probably shouldn’t have been but when she sets things up, like a coffee date between two unknowing participants, she wants to see the results.

She had texted Billy and Arsinoe separately to see if they wanted coffee and luckily, both professors had free time that Tuesday morning. So it was a little devious but if it meant she would beat Jules into getting them together faster, it would be worth it.

The two met in the cafe, as though they were surprised to see each other and sat for nearly an hour before they went their seperate ways. Mirabella smiled and went to drive away when a knock came from the passenger side. Mira jumped and turned her head to meet her sisters irritated eyes. Arsinoe didn’t do anything other than glare at her and then walked away. Message sent.

February 11 - Jules

She was lurking near Arsinoe’s classroom, texting Mirabella to tell her that her most recent attempt was underway. The bell went and bored university first years poured out of Arsinoe’s classroom. Jules watched down the hall as Billy left his classroom, coming straight down the hall. Blending into the freshman, Jules stuck her prosthetic leg out, effectively tripping Chatworth into Arsinoe’s doorframe. Jules quickly walked through the crowd but she didn’t miss Billy smile slightly and walk into Arsinoe’s classroom.

Jules watched and waited and Billy didn’t leave for another half hour. When the two exited the classroom, It was together, both chatting amiably, but Jules didn’t miss the way Billy’s usually flat hair was pushed back or that Arsinoe’s hair, which had been in a ponytail when she left the house that morning, now was down on her shoulders.

They walked away and Jules listened until their footsteps retreated. She left the alcove she was hiding in, only to be met with her best friend’s annoyed posture and face.

“First Mirabella and now you. Explain. Now,” Arsinoe doesn’t seem angry but she also didn’t seem happy. Jules showed no sign of faltering before she responded.

“I was just here looking at classes. Thought I might take a Poli-sci class. Recreationally, y’know,” she says casually. Arsinoe’s eyebrows pinch together before her face goes calm.

“You can sit in on my fourth year class if you want. And don’t think I don’t know that you’re lying to me. I’m going to figure it out,” Arsinoe says and then turns on her stilettos and stalks away.

February 14 - Mirabella

She gives Arsinoe chocolate. It was a talent she picked up in high school to forge handwriting (not that anyone needs to know why) and it was paying off because Arsinoe was receiving chocolate from Billy, or so she thought.

Jules and her were crouching behind a wall where the teacher’s pigeonholes were, watching Arsinoe approach her own to get her daily letters. Arsinoe smiles and pick up the box of chocolates. Jules and Mirabella smiled at each other.

“What are you two doing?” Mirabella and Jules jumped and stood, turning nervously to be met with none other than Billy Chatworth. He glances around them to see Arsinoe and frowns. “Why are you spying on Arsinoe? Are you struggling to speak with her?” He asks. Mirabella sighs internally. Why must Billy be so intuitive? Of course if he wasn’t, Arsinoe probably would even notice him, let alone be attracted to him.

“We were just…” She struggles to form an excuse.

“Mira, Jules, what are you two doing here?” Arsinoe’s voice joins the conversation. Mirabella and Jules wince and turn.

“Hey, Arsinoe,” Mirabella says, trying to come up with an excuse. She was good at forgery but a terrible lier. Arsinoe raises an eyebrow. She transfers her gaze to the man standing behind them.

“It seems the entire education faculty has left you gifts, Chatworth. You might want to get onto that before Pietyr notices,” Billy nods and rounds the three, entering the office. Arsinoe turns back to them.

“If your going to spy on me and forge a love letter, do it with more subtlety. Have a good day both of you. I’m sure you can find the exit of campus relatively easy. Goodbye,” she pushes between the two of them, walking off in the direction of her classroom.

June 19 - Jules

“We need to plan this better. Arsinoe’s figured us out every time and you could probably assume she knows what we’re up to,” Mirabella says. They sit at Mirabella’s kitchen counter, a notebook full of crossed out plans and ideas in front of them. Mirabella’s head leans on Jules’ shoulder in slight defeat.

“Maybe we just need to lock them in a room together,” Jules said. Mirabella pointed at the notebook. Oh right, they had tried that. They probably should have considered the fact that Arsinoe could pick locks at the time. “Maybe we should just give up. They don’t seem to be taking the bait. I mean, Arsinoe kicked me out this morning just so she could have a guy over without me having to share a wall with her. She seemed serious about him and I think I would have noticed if it had been Billy.”

“We can’t give up. Billy and Arsinoe are destined to be together,” Mirabella asserts.

“How do we know?”

“Can’t you tell just by looking at them,” Mirabella finds a photo of the two she had taken during a ‘recon mission’. They were an extremely cute pair, smiling at each other like they had just pulled off the worlds greatest prank.

“Ugh, fine. I say we try locking them in a room together again, but this time an electronic one, like the uni has,” Jules says, drawing the lock on the page, circling the places where pickable locks weren’t there.

“Let’s do it,” they locked eyes and Jules ignored the butterflies at seeing Mirabella’s smile. Now was not the time.

June 25 - Mirabella

They were sitting outside the door of the room she has shoved Arsinoe and Billy in, waiting. Jules was listening with her ear pressed against the door for signs of something. Mirabella was watching Jules’ mouth. She was thrown by her recent crush on her sister’s best friend, it had been a long time since she had liked anyone like that, not since she broke up with Bree last year. It was proving troublesome for their mission. She was trying to get two people to fall in love, not fall in love herself.

“Jules, what if they got out somehow?”

“They haven’t. They’re talking. I just can’t tell what they’re saying,” Jules leans against the door further.

“Jules,” Mirabella starts, making the brunette turn her head. “Did you maybe want to go for coffee after this?” Jules turned to her, watching her closely with her mismatched eyes as if trying to figure her out.

“To plan another move?” She asks, making Mirabella shake her head.

“No, just to talk. Kinda like… like a date,” Jules goes completely still and then her cheeks go bright red.

“I would like that, immensely- oof!” Jules grunted as her and Mirabella fell backward into the room. Billy and Arsinoe stood above them, smiling like a couple of little shits.

“I take offence that you thought I couldn’t hack this lock. But hey, success anyway,” Mirabella’s eyebrows furrowed.

“What are you talking about?”

“You and Jules obviously. All we had to do was string you along for a time long enough for you to have crushes on each other and then even longer for you to ask each on a date. You really tested our patience,” Arsinoe steps over them and they sit up.

“What are you talking about?” Jules asks. Arsinoe sends her a sharp smile.

“You think I didn’t know what you two were up to months ago? Please. So Billy and I hatched a plan to get you two together and we succeeded,” Mirabella frowned, looking at Billy, who shrugged.

“But… we were trying to get you two together,” Mirabella says, still evidently confused. Arsinoe smiles wider.

“Billy and I have been together since last December. We just didn’t get to talk much over the holidays because he was away. You two just assumed we weren’t, which is on you. Have a good coffee date,” she takes Billy’s hand and they walk down the hall together.

Mirabella look at Jules. Jules looks back at Mirabella. Sure, they got played, but all’s well that ends well.

[nooraiskind]

That First Year (Incantava)

Some future Incantava headcanons for @nnegan13 and the gc squad. There will be angst. (Some of these might be indirectly influenced by fics I’ve read so if I accidentally use your concept, I mean it as a compliment!)

After Edo's graduation, they do their best to pretend he isn’t leaving. That summer, they take their trip abroad, deciding on Paris, a week for just the two of them. There are road trips around Italy, usually with an assortment of their friends, and occasional concerts where they sing their hearts out among the crowd, the music keeping them awake deep into the night.

Ele meets Edo’s nonna in July. She is a nervous wreck the day before, wanting so badly to impress the most important relative in Edo’s life. She shouldn’t have worried though, Edo has been gushing about Ele for months. For the first year, she was only referred to as “The Girl,” after Fede makes an offhand comment in Nonna’s presence. After their sleepover at Edo’s apartment, Nonna has had an easier time getting information out of him about “Ele.” Nonna adores Ele immediately and privately decides that she will keep an eye on her when Edo is gone, taking her to lunch, the botanic gardens, etc.

But when it’s just the two of them, if no other plans arise, there is at least one day a week where Edo and Ele end up at the park laying back on a blanket under the trees. The first time they do this, Ele struggles to get Edo out of the house. They have his whole apartment, he argues, why can’t they just stay in bed? But once he’s there, Edo quickly falls in love with this peaceful getaway in the middle of their own city. From that day on, he is the one to get them out of the house, Ele laying on his chest or at his side as they work their way through books and gelato.

The last two weeks before Cornell hit them hard. Edo throws himself into the final touches of packing and preparing for his move, using this flurry of activity to distract him from thoughts of their impending separation. Ele becomes very quiet, unable to look at him for too long, but not wanting to miss a second of his company, following along on all his errands. Filippo silently makes sure she keeps eating (she does, but because of her past, Filo is right to be worried).

He spends their last night at her apartment. Filo makes plans to be out that weekend so they can have a few final  hours of privacy. It is only then that Ele gives way to a moment of weakness, tears streaming down her cheeks in the dark, body shaking. She leaves the bedroom to stand in her dark kitchen, but Edo finds her there soon after and they cling to each other, trying to calm down. “Ask me not to go,” he murmurs into her hair, but she shakes her head against his shoulder. This is his dream and his future, she won’t let him throw it all away just for her. When they get back into bed past midnight, they stay pressed together in the dark.

She is not the only one to see him off to the airport, but Fede makes sure to pull the boys away before the final moments. Those are reserved only for Ele. He holds her close, and then he is gone, speeding away across the Atlantic.

Ele's journey home is a blur. Filo has returned and is there to support her, but Ele straightens her shoulders and dives into her textbooks. She is strong; this is something she can control.

He texts her the moment his plane touches down. She’s stayed awake to make sure he arrives safely and finally breathes a sigh of relief. Day 1, accomplished.

Edo lives in an apartment with two second years and loves it; dorm living has never appealed to him. But he only lasts two days before buying a couple of plants. He’s spent so much time with Ele that rooms now feel empty without any greenery.

He makes friends quickly, the guys idolizing his confidence and ability to have fun and the girls swooning over his European aesthetic. But Edo knows his true friends and family are in Italy. These Americans will just have to do for now.

Ele throws herself into her studies for her senior year. She wants to go into environmental and Earth sciences, with a minor in English. She is well on track to graduate near the top of her class. She keeps her friends close. Filo makes a point to spend an evening in with her every week.

Ele and Edo Skype a lot. At first, they make specific dates to update each other about the things text messages can’t convey. But then they move to video chatting as much as they can. They’ll study together, during what is Ele’s afternoon and Edo’s evening. If he’s free at lunch, he’ll keep her company as she gets ready for school in the morning. Sometimes, when they are actually talking, Ele’s gaze will wander from Edo’s face to the plants on his desk behind him. She’ll put her hands on her hips to ask if he’s watered them yet this week. He grins proudly because yes of course he has. They fit each other into their days and it’s almost like they’re together, if they don’t think about it too much.

December is when things start to get hard. Ele and Filo’s mom insists that they spend the week before Christmas in Padua. She won’t take no for an answer. Edoardo is only in Rome for 10 days before he returns to New York to spend New Years Eve in NYC with the Villa boys. Ele and Edo only have three days with each other, and the frustration bleeds into their time together. They don’t fight, but by the time he has to leave, they both feel worse than before. Nonna takes Ele to a ballet on New Year’s Day.

In mid-January, they finally get the chance to talk via Skype and they talk everything through. Their situation is hard but they’ll get through it, they promise each other that.

February is a good month, for both of them. Edo goes to parties with his uni friends, as well as several weekend road trips around New England. He goes home with his roommates to meet and stay with their parents. He gets to know his corner of America. He realizes that he likes it there. It’s not where he wants to live forever, but for four years he can defiantly make it home. Ele and Le Matte study hard, but on Eva and Federica’s insistence they also party hard. They take weekend trips to Italian universities they are considering, but they visit Milan too often for them to ignore that Eva just wants to visit Federico. Radio Osvaldo continues to grow.

In April, as Edo wades through midterm exams, Ele starts to skip their calls. At first her excuses make sense: study stress, dinner with Filo, a headache. But even when he does get her on the phone, it isn’t for long, and she seems distracted. Less herself. Then, after a week of complete silence, she calls him drunk at a party Silvia dragged her to. It’s 5am in Ithaca when Edo's phone rings and of course he panics. She doesn’t cry on the phone but sounds absolutely miserable. She says that she misses him, that she’s sorry. She repeats the words too many times before hanging up the phone. Edo immediately calls Sana who has just found Ele and promises they are on their way home. “She’s going through a lot right now.” is all Sana says before ending the call.    

That afternoon, when it is morning in Rome, Edo calls Filippo, telling him he’s really worried about Ele. “It’s been hard,” Filo says, “but things are slowly getting better.” “What happened?” Edo asks. Filo says that Ele’s been a bit shaken ever since she testified and Edo goes still. Ele hadn’t told him that the courts had taken her case against Andrea to trial. She hadn’t said anything and gone to court alone (not alone alone, Le Matte and Filo were there, but Edo hadn’t been). “She didn’t tell you?” Filo, who is always on his sister’s side, is a shocked at this. He promises to text Edo updates and maybe convince Ele to call. Edo texts Ele simply, “Ti amo,” the typing bubble appears several times, but Ele doesn’t send anything. Edo sends a second text: “Sempre.” She finally sends him a heart in return.

Ele is actually handling her courtroom encounter better than Edo and Filo think. She just isn’t ready to talk about it yet. Her girls keep an eye on her, Filo throws a couple of strategic dinner parties, and after a couple weeks of peace her spine has returned to its solid steal and the fire in her eyes burns brighter than ever. The court grants Ele a longterm restraining order against Andrea and finally life moves on. But she still hasn’t talked to Edo.

The plan had always been for Ele to come to New York for Easter break (Edo had bought the plane ticket last summer), but with the tension between them Edo begins to dread she won’t come. When Filo texts him saying that Ele has left for the airport, Edo’s heart soars.

When she arrives in Ithaca and she is at his apartment for the first time (his roommates are both conveniently home with their parents), she turns to face him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” she says. “No,” he cuts in, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there, that I didn’t realize.” They spend the rest of that day in his room, talking, making up, and finally just being together. By the time Ele succumbs to jet lag they are both alright again.

The rest of Ele’s stay they treat like an adventure. There is so much that Edo wants to show her and they explore Ithaca for hours each day, with a weekend trip to NYC as well. Edo’s university friends adore Ele and finally understand why Edo talks about her so much. They all silently wish another hot Italian would come to Cornell, but single this time.

As always, when she leaves for Rome it is difficult. But they are happy this time, too. Only 2 more months until Ele’s graduation and Edo returns home.

In mid-June, she is the first thing Edo sees when he steps into baggage claim at Fiumicino airport. She runs and jumps into his arms, right there in the center of the terminal. The world feels balanced again.  They know next year will be hard again (Ele has accepted a place at the University of Greenwich in London, so they will still be long distance), but they don’t want to think about it just yet. For now, they have each other and a summer ahead. They’ll be just fine: the Atlantic has nothing on them.

------------------------

Okay this ended up being longer than I expected. I had a hard time writing their conflicts and I think they’re both pretty ooc here but w/e, I just wanted to post a fun thing :)

[tidtrek2020]

My names Mary Tidbury, I’m 21 and I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus and Antiphospholipid Syndrome when I was 14 years old. I’ve written my story; I really hope you all read it. Thank you in advance.

 On July 20th, 2012, my 14th birthday, I started to get bad pains when I breathed/ sneezed/ yawned/ laughed. I was away with my nan on one of her bowls holidays and I had a go at playing. On the final night of the holiday I started getting these pains when I breathed in and me being a young just turned 14 healthy child surrounded by all these older people who had aches and pains of their own, I bit my tongue and smiled my way through the night. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I’ve told my mum and dad about these pains at this point, so mums booked me a Drs appointment and dad has told me there’s nothing wrong I’ve just pulled a muscle from playing bowls. At this point the pain has increased I’m only taking short breathes, I learnt how to not sneeze, yawn and definitely not laugh. I went to the doctors and one of the first things they said to me was “it could be lupus, but then again you’re too young for that so we won’t test for it”. I would just like to point out in this moment that Lupus can affect anyone of any age. However, It mainly effects women of childbearing ages from 15+. I was one year younger than that age. Anyway carrying on, when I went to bed I had to find a comfy position so I could breathe normally and every night I would wake up and not be able to get comfy again so I’d wander the landing whimpering and crying about being in so much pain but not wanting to disturb anyone but also wanting everyone to wake up and take this pain seriously, I ended up having to sleep sitting up in a corner leaning against a pillow, it was the only way I could fall back asleep. Fast forward again a couple of months to end of October, I think I’d been tested for pretty much everything possible except for lupus. They finally after almost 4 months decided to scan my lungs. To which they found multiple blood clots on my lungs and it was extremely serious. It was then that they did the lupus test and found that I had SLE and APS. I would just like to say at this point I was only aware of the SLE. I was immediately referred to see a rheumatology Dr and the haematology Dr; I was but on Hydroxychloroquin by my rheumatology Dr and Warfarin and Fragmin injections by the haematology clinic. For a good few weeks I was making daily trips to the haematology clinic to check my INR it then turned to weekly when my INR was put in a range of 2-3 and I was taken off of the Fragmin injections. The clots had finally gone away and I was back to full health but left with an illness that no one knew about and so I felt very isolated and alone. I would play down the symptoms I was experiencing daily as no one around me knew what it was like to live with a chronic illness. So, it was a very lonely period of my life.

 In between 2012 and 2015 I started to fully get symptoms of lupus. I started to get bad joint pain, the worst of this was when I woke up one morning before school and I couldn’t move cos my hip was in so much pain. This does still happen occasionally, but I just need to take pain killers and it can usually help.

 Moving on to the end 2015, I’d left secondary school and I was working as a horticultural apprentice at a garden centre. I had been put onto Rivaoxyban in replacement of Warfarin. I started to get twitching movements in my right arm, I thought nothing of it at first I carried on with my life as usually over the next few months and into 2016 the movement I was getting in my right arm was worse than ever I had no control over it and my speech started slurring and my right leg had started moving involuntarily. I was signed off work and was undergoing tests left right and centre to try and figure out what was wrong with me, at first they thought it was a stroke so I was referred to a neurologist where I underwent numerous MRI scans and CAT scans but everything was coming back clear. I went back to my rheumatology Dr and was told that I had something called the Chorea movement. This is a flare up of lupus, I was put on Quetiapine which is an antipsychotic drug, and this suppressed the part of my brain that was telling my body parts to move and my speech to slur. By June 2016, I was back to full health and back working again and was taken off the Quetiapine.

 In this time also I was having double vision with my eyes. We think it was part of the chorea and I went to plenty of eye Drs but nothing. I still occasionally feel the pressure of it on my eyes, but it did slowly fade away in the end. But I’m still not 100% sure what that was as it was never confirmed.

 Moving on to 2017, now this next part I literally just don’t talk about because I find it very embarrassing but to be honest it was one of the scariest months of my life. In July I had been put on Sertraline, the Antidepressant. I was at a very low time in my life, and this was helping. Moving on to September of that year, being completely honest I also have PCOS (polycystic ovaries syndrome) so I never know when my periods are going to come, and I usually go 2 months between them. So basically, I started my first period since going onto Sertraline at the beginning of September. To cut a long story short, I bled for 4 weeks constantly and extremely heavily. I remember my mum and dad were away for the 1st 2 weeks and it was when my mum came back that I told her that I was worried because it just didn’t seem to be stopping, at this point I was very tired and had very little energy. A week later it was still going on but me and my mum had way before planned to go pick my brother Stanley up from Paris where he had spent a year as a cast member in Disneyland. 2 days before this trip I was sent home from work as I just wasn’t ok and my manager (who is luckily my bestie Lucy) saw this. However, this didn’t stop me from going on this trip with my mum.

 On Thursday 28th September me and mum travelled to Paris by car I pretty much slept the whole way, we got there late at night, so I basically just got out the car and then got into bed at the hotel and slept the whole night through. The next morning me and mum went off to spend the day at Disneyland Paris as Stanley could get us in for free, we went to Hollywood Studios where Stanley was and when he was on his break we went to queue to go on Crush’s Costa, we went through the backstage area and as we were 3rd in line I suddenly became really sick and dizzy. I turned to Stanley and I think I just looked at him ran back the way we came and threw up in the backstage area and went back outside to meet my mum. It was this moment I knew I seriously wasn’t ok. We carried on though and we stayed there for the entire day, I ended up in a wheelchair and I only went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride but all in all I still had a really great day being surrounded by the Disney magic. I can’t really remember the next day I had very little energy left and just know that we went shopping and I got the cosiest trackies and slippers. 

 On the Sunday we came back home. I have flashes of what happened in this journey and my mum has always told me it was the longest and scariest journey. We had to make a detour on our way home to drop Stanley off at Warwick where He was starting Uni, I remember just sleeping the entire way. I literally had no energy I was so tired and felt so ill. I remember having to get out of the car so that they could unpack all of Stanley’s stuff but then I carried on sleeping. I vaguely remember waking up when it was just me and mum in the car and saying, “don’t take me to A&E, just take me home I’ll just sleep it off”. 

 Next thing I know we’re at the JR, mums telling me to get out the car and go book myself in she’s just going to park. I didn’t make it to the reception, mum ended up finding me in the ladies bathroom. I can’t remember how long I was waiting in A&E for, but I remember just wanting to lay down and sleep. They kept on taking me into rooms and getting me to lie on the bed so they could review me and then send me back out to sit on the chairs back in the waiting room. The 3rd time they did this I remember just thinking fuck off and let me sleep, I closed my eyes and he was like ‘ok you can stay there’.

 That night I was admitted to hospital and proceeded to have 2 blood transfusions, they immediately stopped my blood thinners and was taken off of Sertraline as they believed that this had interacted with the Rivaroxyban and caused this to happen. I was in there for around a weeks’ time until I started to feel a bit livelier. It took me around 3 weeks to fully recover. I was now completely off the Sertraline and they changed my blood thinners to Apixaban. 

 I’ve never said this to anyone, but this scarred me really badly and still does to this day. The fear I have whenever my period comes around and is really heavy. It stops me from doing anything, I panic constantly and for the week it goes on for my anxiety is sky high. I panic if it goes on for a little too long or if it doesn’t look to be slowing down. I remember the time I was literally knocking on deaths door and makes me really emotional every time I think about it. 

 On the 3rd January 2018, I was at work which at the time was in a restaurant so lots and lots of walking around and long hours. I was half way through a 12 hour shift just finished my lunch break and went back to work when I suddenly started to get cramp in my calf on my left leg, it would build up after I’d walked a while and I’d ignore it and it would eventually become unbearable and I had to stop what I was doing and wait for it to go. 

 This went on for 2 weeks before I was adamant that something was not right and I believed it was a blood clot, I’d had a previous clot, so I knew what it felt like. My mum took me to minor injuries in Abingdon and they refused to review me because I wasn’t injured. They booked me an emergency appointment with my GP, and we went straight there, I went in and I said to them I think I have a blood clot in my leg. They asked me several questions and did a Doppler test on my ankles to test if they could hear my pulse. They could. The Dr turned to me and said you haven’t got a blood clot we can hear your pulse fine; you’ve probably just got a sprain and should be fine in 8 weeks’ time. 8 weeks come and go and I’m still in absolute agony when I walk, I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety anyway so social situations become non-existent because I became so terrified of having to tell people I needed to slow down or stop completely that I didn’t got out. I carried on working and bit my tongue and got on with it because that’s what you got to do! I went back to the Drs after 8 weeks as I was still getting cramp when I walked a short distance. I go through a Doppler test and they are now struggling to find my pulse in my left ankle. A week later I get a call from the Dr to say that they are referring me to the Vascular unit at the John Radcliffe. My appointment was booked for the 18th April but was cancelled and they had scheduled a new appointment in May. I couldn’t make this appointment as me and my eldest brother Will were going away for a month from the 10th May - 10th June to travel round Europe. I tried to get an earlier appointment so that I could be well for the trip, but this didn’t happen. The week before we went away, I went out for dinner with my parents and when I came home, I started to get a dead right leg and after about 20 minutes it finally went away. The next day at work I found that I was no longer getting cramp in my left leg, but I was getting it on my right. I carried on as I would as I was going to see a specialist after I got back. This trip was the best month of my life and despite being in agony I took plenty of codeine and powered through. I think this was the first time I didn’t let Lupus/APS flare up win (at the time I didn’t know it was a lupus thing but still) but usually I hole myself up and become very depressed (even more so than usual). But this time I was outside every single day and night and getting fresh air constantly. I got back on the 10th June and my appointment wasn’t scheduled until the 18th. Me and my sister Annie went to see Ed Sheeran at Wembley stadium on the 15th, coming out of that show I think it was the first time in the 6 months I’d been experiencing this pain that my sister actually realised how much agony I was in. We were walking back to the station I was powering through and pretending I was fine and speed walking; I just couldn’t do it I was on the verge of bursting into tears and sobbing and Annie looked over at me and she made us stop.

 At my appointment with the consultant on the 18th he performed more Doppler tests and he came to the conclusion that I didn’t have a blood clot everything felt and sounded fine. He was going to set up a scan for me just so they could look at my veins and arteries, but he was 100% positive that the scan results would come back clear...

 Fast forward to the 10th July, 3 days before I was due to have the scan me and my brother Stanley were going into Abingdon to do some shopping, we’d parked on the 3rd floor of the multi-storey car park. We got back to my car after walking up 3 flights of stairs and my right leg was fully cramped up, I sat in the car and said to my brother that we’re going to have to wait I need to let my leg to stop cramping. A couple of minutes turned to 5 and it still wasn’t going if anything it was getting worse. I’d gotten out the car tried walking it off, taken my shoe off but none of this worked, I was in complete agony I turned to Stanley and told him he would need to drive us home. I remember sitting in the passenger seat of the car with my eyes scrunched shut because I could feel tears coming but I just breathed through it, we finally got home and I hopped over to the sofa and as soon as I sat down I lead there and just remember letting out a huge wail of a cry and continued to cry my eyes out. I was in so much pain Stanley called my mum and dad and they came home from work. I remember thinking I can’t see an end to this pain, I was so scared, and I was even begging everyone to just make it stop. I was vomiting because of how much pain I was in. 

 The only way I can describe this pain is imagine getting cramp in your calf muscle, and imagine it not going and getting more and more painful, that’s what it was like. 

My mum had rung 999 and an ambulance was on their way. They finally got there, and they ran some tests on me and took me away to the hospital. I can’t remember how long I was waiting in A&E before a Dr saw me but I know before they did I had a cat scan of my legs, I was wheeled into a room where the on call vascular Dr told me I had 3 clots in the arteries in my legs. One on my right groin, one behind my right knee and one on my left groin. I was being admitted to hospital and needed emergency surgery to take the one out of my right groin. The next morning, I was first on the table. My mum was stuck in traffic trying to get to the hospital and I was sat in my room with all these Drs and nurses coming in drawing on my leg about what they need to do. I remember being absolutely terrified that I wouldn’t wake up and that I’d die without telling my family how much I love them. This without a doubt was the most terrifying hour of my life. Not even 5 minutes before they take me down my mum walks through the door and although I was terrified of what was to come, I’ve never felt so much relief. 

 The surgery luckily went really well. Later, that day they do a few more scans on me so they can figure out where these clots have started. They did an echocardiogram on my heart and saw something there but couldn’t get a good look at it, so they decided to look at it with a camera. I was heavily sedated so I would fall asleep and they could stick a camera down my throat. Knowing my luck of course the meds wore off 5 minutes to quickly and I woke up whilst they still had the camera down my throat. I was a very panicked experience and I think my throat was cut up for about a week afterwards.

 As a result of this scan they found a massive clot on my heart. At this point I was having infusions of heparin and was back on warfarin. Trying to get these clots gone. 

 I was in hospital for 16 days, one of which was my 20th Birthday. I spent 6 days in the vascular ward and 10 days in the heart centre before I was finally given the all clear to leave. This isn’t where this story ends though, I was still getting cramp in my right leg so In January 2019 I had minor surgery under local anaesthetic to sort out a narrowing in my artery behind my knee. I’ve also been left with scarring on my heart from the blood clot and will need to have my aortic valve replaced at some point in my life. 

Once my right leg was sorted and the cramp was no more, I realised that my left leg still was cramping up. I went for more scans and it was confirmed I needed major surgery again to remove the last clot.

 I went in on the 6th of November 2019 and was out by the 8th. Surgery went very well, I also can’t thank the nurse who was on every night I was there enough for how much she got me through, I was very distressed for the time I was there, and she was an absolute godsend to me! 

 I had a very tricky recovery from this op I was signed off for 2 months in total as my wound became infected. 

 I’m now happy to say that I’m fully recovered and in no pain.

 I just want to say I know there are a lot of people who are worse off than me but this is my story and it’s fucking shit and has left me both mentally and physically scarred. The last 8 years have been incredibly hard but I’ve hopefully come out the other end of it now, but I still find the memories painful and writing this has left me in tears as for some stupid reason I feel like I’m attention seeking when I talk about all this stuff and I’m really panicking about putting this out there. 

 Anyway, thank you for reading... 

 Peace out ✌🏼

https://www.lupusuk.org.uk/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

https://www.aps-support.org.uk/

[itsaviolathing]

2019 reflections

Wasn't sure where to put this so I'm gonna put it here because there are fewer people who know me in real life on Tumblr and this is kinda personal.

2019 has been a long year of ups and downs for me.

I started the year in a bad place, still getting over a really tough breakup from the guy who I thought was my soulmate.

January saw me rebound onto a guy I met on Tinder and resulted in a 2-month relationship which ultimately ended with me hurting the guy. On the bright side, I met some really kind and lovely new friends through Pat and I'm so grateful for their continuing friendship and support. January also continued to show me just how many friends I have and how much they care about me, which I had first realised just after the breakup in December. I will be forever grateful to those who saw me through such an emotionally difficult time and for their unwavering friendship. I would never have coped without them.

February saw my first instance of volunteering. I volunteered as an Events Manager with a charity called Action on Hearing Loss, and I had such a good time doing it. I put together a fundraiser for the charity, supported by the charity's fundraising manager for the North-West, which ended up being pretty successful and raised a fair amount of money. I was really proud of myself for this, and the whole process helped me become more confident in myself and gave me more direction for where my future is heading.

March saw me go back to the guy who I'd broken up with in the first place (bad idea, I know). It showed me that at that point I hadn't managed to get over him as much as I thought I had, and that I was willing to forgive him even after how much he hurt me. A few weeks later I broke up with him again, for good this time. I'd proven to myself that all the work I had put into getting over him had worked to an extent because I just couldn't love him anymore, even though I still cared about him immensely. This was ultimately a really beneficial experience for me as it gave me the closure that I so desperately needed from the relationship, as I hadn't been ready for the initial breakup and felt like a lot of things needed tying up.

April showed me that I was afraid to be alone. Since getting with Moray in November 2017, I had barely been single - we broke up in December 2018, I had rebounded onto Pat just under a month later, and got back with Moray a couple of days after breaking up with Pat. Even when I broke up with Moray again at the beginning of April, I already had someone else I was talking to which was heading in the direction of potential relationship. I realised that I only broke up with Moray when I felt like I had a somewhat-secure ship I could jump to (Sam), and I had been in the same situation when I broke up with Pat, knowing there was significant potential of getting back with Moray. This was a significant revelation for me and really made me evaluate my personal values and morals.

May was a really difficult month. Most difficult was dealing with Moray. After our break-up, his mental health spiralled and he quickly ended up in a dark place. He still trusted in me a lot, and knew that I cared for him too, and so I was on the receiving end of a number of phone calls whenever he was feeling suicidal. Some of these were daytime, others were overnight at all sorts of hours. By far the toughest was when he was actively going to do something and I talked him down over the phone while coordinating with his friends in his city to go and find him, and directed him to his local hospital for psychiatric help over the phone from a completely different city using Google Maps. Another especially difficult one was when I was woken at 4am and spent 2 hours talking him down and then messaging his mother in the morning to let her know the situation. Of course, I was happy to be there for him in his time of need but from a personal perspective it was incredibly draining and was detrimental to my academic work as well. I had to meet with my university academic advisor to talk about it because it was becoming difficult for me to manage alongside numerous academic deadlines I had in May. May saw me close myself off from people in my daily life because of these emotional struggles alongside having so much academic work to do, but I got through the month and ultimately did well in all my assessments and had managed to be there for a friend in need. May taught me that, while it can be good to be there for someone who needs support, it's so important to look after yourself first and foremost and that sometimes you're not the best person for the job. Moray managed to secure help from people whose job it is to provide that help, and he built up a local support network which reduced his need for me. I hope he will remain grateful for everything I did for him but I'm also glad that I'm not an integral part of his life anymore.

June saw me confirm what I want to do next with my life. I secured the role of Head Concert Manager for my university music society and June was the first time I was working in the role. I confirmed that I really enjoy working in Arts Management roles and I decided that this is the direction I want to take my life. I started to make plans for where I want to apply for Master’s courses and general plans for the next few years of my life, which has motivated me significantly and has provided something of a sense of security through the fact I have a plan now. 

July became another month of self-reflection and thinking about my morals. The guy I had been talking to, Sam, had invited me to stay over with him for a few days in his city. It was on this trip that I ended up being his first sexual experience, which wouldn't be a problem had he not been a no-sex-before-marriage Christian 😬 Even though I went to the effort of making sure it was absolutely his decision and trying to create a no-pressure atmosphere, I ended up feeling really bad about this because he regretted it happening. July also saw me think a lot about religion and whether it would be something I could get into but I eventually concluded that it's not something I can believe in and not something I feel compelled to get involved with.

August saw some of the best weeks of the year for me. Most significantly was the 10-days of being Social Staff with the National Children's Orchestra. This was definitely the best part of my year, and I had such a great time with new friends playing silly games and building new, strong bonds. I've found that I can't wait to be on NCO courses again next year and think of these people as some of my best friends, despite only spending a week with them.

September saw me and my tonsils part company, as they were finally removed. Recovery was rough but quick and I was back to myself quickly enough to be present as Peer Mentor coordinator on the first day of Fresher's week to register all ~80 of my department's fresher's. September also taught me that I need to be more trusting and less controlling, as my experiences as Head Concert Manager that month saw me finding it difficult to relinquish control to the Concert Managers, even though they were fully competent.

October saw me become properly single for the first time in almost 2 years. I ended things with Sam because we had fundamental disagreements and it was obvious the relationship was going nowhere, but we still remain good friends even now. Ending this was a little scary for me because I had lost the sense of security that a relationship brings, but this was made easier since the change had been gradual due to the nature of long-distance relationships. It had forced me to confront a lot of my inner feelings and thoughts on the matter and I ultimately learnt a lot about myself from this process.

November saw me become distant again due to academic work, after I spent 2 whole weeks avoiding social situations and spending time in the library as much as I could manage. Once again, this was ultimately successful because I did well in my coursework, but I did miss out on social situations as a result. November also saw me kinda fall for a guy in my department - that's a stronger wording than I really mean, I kinds just had a bit of a thing for him. It was the first time I'd had a crush in ages but I handled it well and confirmed I'm still fairly decent at flirting if I'm in the right situation 😅 November also saw me self-diagnose myself with potential dermatillomania, although I’m still not sure whether it’s just a bad habit or something medical and I’ve been too unsure to go to a doctor about it, but I think if it gets worse I’ll force myself to see someone.

December was another kinda difficult month. I had a couple of crises in which I found myself feeling like all my friends had people they preferred. For every friend of mine, I became aware that they had other people they would choose to spend time with over me, and that was a tough realisation. I think this came hand-in-hand with the whole being-single-for-the-first-time-in-2-years thing, because I had always been someone's 'favourite person' (in theory) while in a relationship and had always had someone there for me and looking out for me, and December saw me feeling like I'd lost that. December also saw me find out that the guy I had liked had actually liked me at the same time but nothing had ever managed to work out, which was a bit of a bummer.

Christmas and New Year's was spent with my family which is always a little difficult as we don't always get along so well, with New Year's being particularly difficult. I'm looking forward to going back to my uni city today (1st Jan 2020) and being with friends again and starting a new year afresh. My New Year's Resolutions/Improvements are to get fitter and healthier (through better diet and exercise) and to work hard on my academic work to do as best as I can in my final semester of my undergraduate degree.

2019 was a year of learning and personal growth. I learnt a lot about myself and spent a lot of time reflecting on myself, my values, and my morals, among other things. I came to terms with things that I had never really allowed myself to think about in the past, and I’ve ended the year feeling like I know myself a lot better than I did at the start of the year.  

2020 will be an eventful year and hopefully an exciting and rewarding one; I'm looking forward to finding out how everything plays out and hopefully have fun at the same time!

[bombtimer]

Day 13: On excitement

There have been many excitements in my lifetime. They range from (as one of my friends think of me) superficial things to perhaps philosophical ones. Here we go.

1. Entering the bookstore

While one of my earliest excitement going to the bookstore was in Gramedia Sudirman, Yogyakarta, there is no less joy when I have to spend money in a bookstore. I remembered my aunt bought me an illustrative book of volcanoes while my cousin got the earthquake one, and we ate Dunkin’ Donuts afterwards. There was also a new bookstore opening, called Social Agency Bookstore, when upon its opening, they have many discounts, particularly on manga. I prefer Gramedia to Gunung Agung, as I think the latter’s collection is less. But the favourite retail bookstore in Indonesia has to be Togamas. Not only does it give you discounts, they also provide free plastic cover for the books you’ve just bought. I developed admiration for mas mbak penyampul since they work so fast and neatly. I tried to cover my books several times but they don’t come as perfect as ones done by mas mbak Togamas.

During my undergrad, I might have not immersed myself with books. I can only remember reading Murakami’s Norwegian Woods and 1Q84 (which is arguably one of the best romantic novels ever). And, of course, Are You Smart Enough to Work at Google. These books might motivate me to read books again after high school, and sure, I tried several Goodreads Challenges every year.

In the UK, I have Waterstones just in the corner of my campus. It is a four-storey building. All floors are carpeted so you will hear people trying not to stomp and walk quietly. Books related to my field are located on the third floor, where there is no lift. But there is a small spot when you could read there and even work on assignments. It is a quiet corner where you can see people taking a smoke outside the Faculty of Engineering. There is also a cafe with delicious cinnamon rolls on the first floor.

Second bookstore that captivates me is Cambridge University Press Bookshop. I was roaming on the streets when it started raining and accidentally I was just on the outside of this gem. The building is three-storey, and it is quite small for what is one of the prominent press bookshops in the world. It is also no wonder to not see a rack dedicated to urban planning, though surely it contains the geography section.

I was definitely left in awe when I visited Blackwell’s in Oxford. Another friend told me that I should go there since the collection is humongous. And when finally I went there, I thought it’s the biggest bookshop that I ever visited and it contains a specific floor for social science. The Oxford University Press Bookshop is even smaller than that of Cambridge, and I remember I was questioning how come this university does not have what I am looking for. Yet in Blackwell’s, even two bookshelves are dedicated to urban planning and Southeast Asia. I also found Pisani’s Indonesia Etc., along with workpieces of Sir Batty. I spent almost £120 along with a tote bag that shouts for “Yes, I’ve been to Oxford but no I’m not a student at Oxford Uni”. Maria and I spent a solid 2.5 hours wandering in silence looking for what we like; she even spent £200 on five books which cover all the possible materials for her dissertation. All hails Blackwell’s.

2. Going places with close friends

The memory started in 2014, when my undergrad friends went to my hometown and tried Dieng for the first time. It was in January, so we didn’t catch the sunrise at Sikunir. Though Wonosobo has a scenic view, it’s not much to do around here except eating and talking. 

I also consider the trip going back to Bandung with Bohokism after failing to say goodbye to Mira before she embarked for Stuttgart back in 2017. We had a really deep conversation where I finally did acknowledge my darkest times. It was also a start of something great because thanks to them, I also got motivated to be where I am today.

In the UK, I’m blessed to be surrounded by kind people. The one of trip memories started with a Bristol-Bath trip during the reading week in the first term. I happened to get acquainted with Hana and Aska, with Maria and Gineng also joined in. I remember the Cornish pasty that was so good I brought one to go. We wandered around Bristol and noticed the unicorn lightning rod on top of a building, and bought some Indomie and eggs to eat at our oh-so-comfy AirBnB. Afterwards we strolled on the dock and enjoyed the night breeze. The following day we went to an all-you-can-eat restaurant that gives a student discount so we could eat only for £10. We also had a photo session down in Bath Spa, as Hana is good with her camera. I also remember the bus going back to London when we sat by ourselves and did some Netflix and reading (clearly not me).

The next trip would be the Scotland trip. Some said that enjoying the highlands is better in winter (as in going to Morocco), and indeed it was true. We arrived in Edinburgh and climbed the hills and stopped by the Department of Theology of Edinburgh University and realised that every university in London doesn’t have a similar ambience. We also checked in to every Christmas market or Winter Wonderland in every city we’ve been to, as Marwa really loves mulled wine. Our mandatory photo was taken at a photobooth but we just didn’t print it.

We then proceeded to Glasgow and headed to the highlands. Like whoa. I have been seeing the mountainous scenery as I always live in the highlands but that doesn’t compare to what Scotsman see everyday. I also lived my childhood dream as finally I saw the mighty Loch Ness. It’s a sad thing that I couldn’t go to Isle of Skye, but that's alright since I remember having a really deep talk with Agita, Marwa, and Punyu at a hostel near Dundee city square. I couldn’t find Indomie so I had to eat local instant noodles which tasted horrible. We basically just read the Book of Questions and yeah I think that is what is making us closer afterwards. 

There were a lot of trips in between, but I have to emphasise my Cornwall trip with Albert, Maria, and Hana in September 2019. We were dying to enjoy the beach in the southwestern part of England. We rented a car with no insurance, where only Hana and Maria were able to drive the car smoothly. We packed lots of snacks and cooked in our small but comfy AirBnB. We went to St. Ives and enjoyed the beach and the drizzle. And the famous fish and chips. I always asked to stop for a chocolate twist and Maria and Hana would just sighed. Albert is always that curious guy who would end up falling but he didn’t. We also hung out at a beach bar where it was a family night, where the three of us had cider or beer while I stuck on soda and lime. We cooked every time and had only all-you-can-eat when we stopped by Portsmouth on the way back to London. We realised that we were so lavish that during the 3 days trip we spent almost 200 quids each.

In the end, I agree that it’s not about the destinations as they will be just them. It’s always about the journey, the talk, the snack, the “e e awas awas!”, the “pake duit lo dulu dong”, and the memories, particularly with these chaps.

3. Getting called upon the stage

One thing I just realised that I will have to lower my expectations if I want to get an award or something alike. I remember seeing my seniors getting called and put in front of all students and their parents during the national exam results in junior high. Ten students were called along with their parents. I thought, at that time, like whoa they are smart. In high schools, only the top three students from natural science and social science class got called to the stage. Along with opening the result of SNMPTN and Chevening. I was thinking that I’d just be having a real good time along with my friends during the graduation when suddenly I heard my test number getting declared. I remembered that I couldn’t believe that fact and saw Eriska just congratulate me. I thought I was done after delivering a speech as I was an ex-OSIS guy, but I have to say that that day was quite specially wrapped.

Another case is when I went to Shah Alam by myself, presenting the research findings back in November 2017. I was the only Indonesian presenter there. The faculty members of the university holding the conference said that they knew some of my lecturers. As the conference was about research methods, I wondered why several presenters didn’t emphasise the novelty of their methods. But among six key tracks of the conference, I was awarded The Best Paper in Urban Planning and Development track, where I also just couldn’t believe it yet I couldn’t contain my excitement of getting my work noticed. I remember Maria putting it simply “Gue tau lo pengen karya lo yang diliat orang, bukan nama lo. Like let your works speak for yourself”. And yes, she was obviously right.

[lydsfm]

funny how i’ve had this bitch for a good year or so, began using her in january, Stopped, and have absolutely no recollection of the bg i made up for her since it’s likely in a dm i’ve lost track of SFSGFLDK so we’re starting over !! i’m gonna make this short and sweet bc dealing with three kids under the age of ten when i could’ve been wrapping this up a few hours ago took me O U T, not to mention i’m watching masterchef as i type this, but i’m kat, about to become an old hag come sunday bc i turn 22 and.. idk, i could use a glass of moscato right about now sdfjlkgdf enough about me bc you’ll see me bitching about something soon enough, so with that i’ll introduce you all to miss lydia hyunh ! stats will be up later hopefully, plots..... we’re going off the cuff with them until i cave and make one up so until then —

╰   * ✶ . ever notice lydia hyunh kinda looks like hillary trinh ? they’ve got 4.8m followers on instagram, but that’s no surprise. their instagram bio says they identify as cis female and go by she/her. they just turned twenty-one, right? word around la is they’re kinda vainglorious and nonchalant, but you couldn’t tell online. does it matter when your family’s net worth is $270m? ❪ kat, she/her, gmt-2:30 ❫

she comes from a new money family at the helm of a hong kong-based real estate development firm, but her geographical background is a tad more complex than that sijfg

not to mention her mother being a miss universe contestant-turned-supermodel who still walked the occasional runway after two kids à la the iconic 2010s victoria’s secret models, but anyways —

her dad’s a british national ( and started off as a financier, then switched to real estate, tHEN became a cfo of his own firm fdgsdklfdgfl ) as are she and her brother, so while he and his family were busy building up their company with many trips abroad, lydia, her brother and her mom hung back in london for the most part — though some of her summers were spent in hong kong or along the beaches of the mediterranean when she wasn’t embracing the countryside of her home country during term breaks

however, at age 10, she and the family moved to edinburgh so she could attend a more prestigious private school — and so they could be a bit closer to her brother who was spending time at the renowned st. andrew’s university 

.. basically, i need a sister in arms when it comes to bastardized accents, so have this british bitch with a scottish twinge FDSGJSHDGFSLK

speaking of her brother, they clearly have a sizeable age gap, so while they do love each other and all that, they aren’t necessarily close. he’s primed to be something of an heir and he’s more than cool with that, while lyds is more keen on taking her time to figure out what she wants to do with her life and her parents encourage it..... not to say he was ever pressured but, y’know

all the while, mama hyunh was busy appearing on.. idk, something like america’s next top model and project runway when she could — maybe even masterchef ?? GJSFGF — trying to work her schedule around lydia by taking her with her on sick days or during the summer months

so lydia had a taste of hollywood during her early teens with these trips, absolutely enamoured, fucking gobsmacked that her mom was in the industry bc with the way they lived back home it was as if she was merely privileged as hell

connection idea right there folks !

should note bc it feels weird to glaze over it even if it disrupts the flow, but lydia ?? LOVES her mom. so much. she’s a family girl in general, but she really does look up to her mom and appreciates the little things she does to help or impress her

we’re all about wholesome family relationships here, js SLKFDGJSLFD but anyways

she keeps up this lifestyle of studying in edinburgh, travelling wherever the fuck her parents wish to take her and getting ( almost ) whatever she wants

bc if there’s one thing either of her parents put to her, it was to know her limits and to at least recognize her privilege, even if they knew she was a little too spoiled in her own way to be thoroughly humbled. sounds fake but i always thought of them as traditional hard workers who want their kids to be the same, so 😔

and with that, upon graduating and attending uni in glasgow the following fall, lydia kinda.. separated herself from some aspects of her wealth, wanting to be a normal student with some obvious luxuries bc. she can’t help herself fsdgljgdfs

especially when you have a damn model for a mom and you’re Kinda known to be her kid

and yknow what, it worked out for the most part. ofc she couldn’t hide her roots so people knew this annoying brat came from money, but they weren’t complaining bc at least it meant they had some GREAT parties bc of some loans she’d give out for the sake of having a good time herself

long story short, she loved uni, still does, but she loves the breaks even more as she’s been consistently visiting hollywood since she was 18. mama hyunh became more involved in being a tv personality now that both kids were out of the nest and her husband kept himself occupied with work ( when he couldn’t see her, which ofc is routine as he recently moved up to be ceo ), so she spends much of her time in beverly hills 

so much so that lyds’ summers were spent reconnecting with her mom, and having a wild time on the side too gfsdkjgfd

this year, however, her dad decided to open an office in l.a. to be more present with his wife. and to capitalize on the market

and after hearing that.. something in lydia Snapped. ksldfgjkldf like she v quickly decided to take a break from school and stay here for a bit

which some would find weird bc really ? NOW ? when your parents are around ?? but eh....... using the excuse of “ family bonding ” to really take advantage of whatever ounce of star power she has here is fine by her LFSKDGJSDFG

probably lives with her two cousins to save her ass from being dragged

PERSONALITY AND OTHER SHIT

according to my little blurb on my p much Dead indie: “ ( upper middle class-turned ) trust fund baby who tries to downplay her privilege but usually fails; adventurous and charming, she's a soft player who likes being pursued so long as she calls the shots ”

so uh.. that hasn’t changed much GFLKSDFL

i love the ( closet ) sad little rich girl and all those classic tropes as much as the next person, but lydia happens to be one of the most unbothered chicks you’ll probably ever meet FGJKSDG

vulnerability ?? don’t know her ! she’s just here for a good time and doesn’t know anything But !

laidback af, not to mention i never saw her as particularly defensive of her status and such, and i’m sure her uni life reflected that all by itself

the fact that she’s had it relatively easy in the sense of no real trauma or family issues helps, who knows fdsjglk

doesn't mean she won't lay into you if the time calls for it, especially if you have a god complex or something. she’s of the mindset, “ you do you and i’ll do me, but act like a fool and i’ll happily remind you of it for the rest of your days, ” so it's safe to say that someone could bring out the bitch that lurks beneath if they're not careful SGFJDKLGF

can she be selfish and indulgent ?? .. yes, but does she carry herself as such ? ………. also yes, bUT not by much, which makes a difference ! 

LKSFDGLF jk, but she is restrained in how she displays these tendencies ( for the most part ) or else she probably would’ve gotten her ass handed to her back in uni. thank god she’s well-mannered enough

wild child ! gets around ! don’t think i need to elaborate aside from the fact that she’d rather NOT get an sti or wind up in the er over dumb shit, so there’s a sense of caution with it all

basically, she can be materialistic as hell and takes advantage of the shit she has while she has it, but she’s practical enough to know her limits or to just. know better

idfk, i feel like this makes zero sense bc i’m so drained, that this seems like it could be the setup for a m*ry s*e which..... ew, and that i’m missing a lot of extras but i’m DEAD so we’ll leave it there fdklgjsg

[neighbours-kid]

Oh, 2019, What A Year You Were.

It is now a bit before 6pm on January 01, 2020. I just finished unpacking after coming home from my short holiday escape to Berlin for New Year’s with my best friend and frequent travel buddy. My feet are tired, my back hurts, and I’m sitting in bed now, thinking back on this last year and, it’s kind of hard for me to decide if it was a good year or less so.

My 2019 was not as eventful as my 2018. There was no large adventure to speak of like going to New York City for six months, or having to adjust back to life in Switzerland after that. 2019 was just…..uni. The same old trudge of going to class and thinking about texts that should be read (but wouldn’t be), the same old treading water without direction, stuck in one place, unsure what comes next. Or, at least, that’s what it feels like looking back on it.

When I did this looking back the last time, 2018 was not quite over yet. It was still December, I had a few more days of uni to go, all the Christmases and other celebrations still before me. At that point, I had no idea that I would meet a couple of people at the Christmas Party of our English Department and that these people would be largely responsible for tipping the scale of 2019 into ‘good’.

But I did. I did meet these lovely people I get to call something akin to family today. It’s only been a year, and I can’t quite believe it. Found family has always been my favourite trope in storytelling, and this little group of weirdos is exactly that. And to quote my favourite little alien creature, this is my family. I found it, all on my own. It’s little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.

These people are not perfect, they’re not flawless, they’re not angels. But they have more humanity between them than I’ve seen in a long fucking while. We’re all broken people, none of us is any better than the next, but we have heart. And I love them all so fucking much. They have all coloured in parts of my year in their own colours and I could not be happier about it. They’re a bunch of fucking weirdo nerds, but they’re my bunch of fucking weirdo nerds.

* * *

This year was, while largely uneventful, also very special in its own way. You know, after talking to my doc to get a date for a transgender consultation, my plan was basically to wait until I got it all lined up nicely, got my first shot of testosterone and then be like "hello world, this is happening, and if you have anything against it, whoops, too late.” Well, it didn’t quite work out like that. If you’ve been keeping up with this blog or my life in general, you know that my anxious ass decided to have a nervous break in the middle of January and come out to literally everyone then and there. And you know what? It’s good.

I’m not where I want to be, not at all. After January, I had expectations for 2019, I had hopes and dreams, wishes and plans. Unfortunately, that lead to a series of events that is tipping the scale of this year into ‘bad’. I wrote about this extensively before, but the process of starting testosterone is a long and tedious one and I am still not where I want to be, even after this entire year, but I currently see a shiny dot on the horizon that looks very promising in that department, and if everything goes as it should, it won’t be long now until I can start with the hormone treatment.

2019 started me down a road of self-discovery that is more open and public than it was before, and I am glad for it. But I don’t want to linger on that part of my year for too long. Let us look back for a while, relive some moments here and there.

On the train home from the airport today, I thought about what I did exactly one year ago. After everyone who had been at my place for New Year’s had left around lunch time on January 01, 2019, I had sat down in front of my TV and started a very movie and tv show heavy year. Over the course of this entire year, I noted down every movie and tv show episode, every short film and comedy special, everything that I watched. It…..added up quite a bit, to be completely honest. Let’s see….

For reference, I had holidays during January and half of February, as well as June all through August and half of September, and then again from the 21st of December onward. My marathon didn’t quite subside during university, but at least I didn’t binge quite so much.

In total, I watched 178 movies, 10 short films, and 685 episodes of 34 tv shows. That is 300h12 in movies, 1h38 in short films, and roughly 519h47 in tv show episodes. (Yes, I did just spend way too much time looking up all the run times…) That is a rough total of 821h37 for this year. That’s like….a bit over a month of time spent watching stuff. 1/12 of my year spent in front of a screen. Not entirely sure how I feel about this number.

I know that for some this might sound a bit excessive, but to be honest? There is so much more I want to watch and if I could do completely as I please, these numbers would look a lot different.

Here is, with the exact intention of being a big mess of a block, all the movies I watched in 2019. I highlighted a few that stood out to me especially. Not just because I liked them very much, or because they were particularly excellent, just because….they made me feel something different, I guess. The oldest movie I watched was Grease (1978) and the newest would be the comedy special John Mulaney and the Sack Lunch Bunch from this year. I started my year with Night at the Museum (2006) and ended it with season five of Leverage.

Grease (1978), My Neighbour Totoro (1988), Die Hard (1988), Batman (1989), Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990), Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995), Othello (1995), Mission Impossible (1996), Mary Reilly (1996), Wilde (1997), Animated Epics: Beowulf (1998), Mission Impossible II (2000), Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Ocean’s Eleven (2001), Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001), Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Heartlands (2002), xXx (2002), 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003), Underworld (2003), Bright Young Things (2003), Timeline (2003), The Deal (2003), Ocean’s Twelve (2004), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Laws of Attraction (2004), Dirty Filthy Love (2004), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), Kingdom of Heaven (2005), The League of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse (2005), The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006), Underworld: Evolution (2006), Mission Impossible III (2006), Inside Man (2006), Night at the Museum (2006), The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Queen (2006), Die Hard 4.0: Live Free or Die Hard (2007), Music Within (2007), Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Ocean’s Thirteen (2007), Zodiac (2007), Iron Man (2008), Twilight (2008), Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (2009), Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009), Twilight: New Moon (2009), The Damned United (2009), Fast & Furious (2009), Sherlock Holmes (2009), The Holiday (2009), Angels & Demons (2009), Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009), Inception (2010), The Bounty Hunter (2010), Twilight: Eclipse (2010), Alice in Wonderland (2010), Tron: Legacy (2010), Megamind (2010), Valentine’s Day (2010), The Expendables (2010), Red (2010), Eat Pray Love (2010), Iron Man 2 (2010), Beautiful Boy (2010), Fast Five (2011), Fright Night (2011, twice), Resistance (2011), Few Options, All Bad (2011), Jesus Henry Christ (2011), Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011), Mission Impossible IV: Ghost Protocol (2011), Pitch Perfect (2012), Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012), White House Down (2013), Admission (2013), I Give It A Year (2013), Escape Plan (2013), The Adventurer: Curse of the Midas Box (2013), Furious 6 (2013), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Red 2 (2013), Begin Again (2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb (2014), Kill the Messenger (2014), The Monuments Men (2014), Midnight in Paris (2014), Paddington (2014), The Imitation Game (2014), Maleficent (2014), Chelsea Peretti: One Of The Greats (2014), John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid (2015, twice), Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (2015), Far From the Madding Crowd (2015), 7 Days in Hell (2015), Furious Seven (2015), Assassin’s Creed (2016), Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016), Patton Oswalt: Talking for Clapping (2016), Ali Wong: Baby Cobra (2016), Nocturnal Animals (2016), She Loves Me (2016), Passengers (2016), Norman: The Moderate Rise and Tragic Fall of a New York Fixer (2016), xXx: The Return of Xander Cage (2017), Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special (2017), Brad’s Status (2017), Home Again (2017), Murder On The Orient Express (2017), Christmas Inheritance (2017), Paddington 2 (2017), You, Me & Him (2017), Beauty and the Beast (2017), Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark (2017), Dave Chappelle: The Age of Spin (2017), Dave Chappelle: Deep in the Heart of Texas (2017), Patton Oswalt: Annihilation (2017), Jack Whitehall: At Large (2017), Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (2017), Katherine Ryan: In Trouble (2017), Mission Impossible: Fallout (2018), Slaughterhouse Rulez (2018), The Fate of the Furious (2018), Love, Simon (2018), Ocean’s 8 (2018, twice), Bad Samaritan (2018), John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous (2018, twice), Hannah Gadsby: Nanette (2018), Daniel Sloss: Dark (2018), Daniel Sloss: Jigsaw (2018), Trevor Noah: Son of Patricia (2018), Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife (2018), James Acaster: Recognise (2018), James Acaster: Represent (2018), James Acaster: Reset (2018), James Acaster: Recap (2018), Apostle (2018), The Holiday Calendar (2018), The Princess Switch (2018), The Christmas Chronicles (2018), Captain Marvel (2019, twice), Shazam! (2019, twice), Avengers: Endgame (2019, twice), Pokémon: Detective Pikachu (2019), The Hustle (2019), Rocketman (2019), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Men in Black: International (2019), Tolkien (2019), Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019), Isn’t It Romantic (2019), Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019), Jenny Slate: Stage Fright (2019), Wanda Sykes: Not Normal (2019), Katherine Ryan: Glitter Room (2019), Simon Amstell: Set Free (2019), Adam Devine: Best Time of Our Lives (2019), Let It Snow (2019), Last Christmas (2019), Klaus (2019), Always Be My Maybe (2019), The Knight Before Christmas (2019), The Good Liar (2019), Hustlers (2019), Star Wars: Rise of the Skywalker (2019), Murder Mystery (2019), John Mulaney and the Sack Lunch Bunch (2019)

TV shows are going to make up a block a bit less intimidating, but here goes. Again, highlighted what stood out to me especially.

The Gifted, Friends, NCIS, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Money Heist, Riverdale, The Punisher, Broadchurch, Elite, Doctor Who, Dramarama, Agents of SHIELD, Pokémon Indio League, Good Omens, The Chef Show, Jessica Jones, Halt and Catch Fire, The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, The Simpsons, 30 Rock, The Good Fight, Sean’s Show, Gallowglass, Animals., The Spoils of Babylon, Pobol Y Cwm, Masters of Sex, Prodigal Son, Criminal UK, The Politician, Leverage, His Dark Materials, Zona Rosa, Derry Girls

Some old favourites in there. Some new ones too. I won’t list the shorts because I don’t particularly care for them. I watched them solely for binging-through-someone’s-filmography reasons.

So yeah, as you can see, a very strong year when it comes to the visual medium. I just really love movies and tv shows so much. I love this kind of storytelling, this particular form of it. There’s so much artistry there, so many talented people. I still very much would love to work in the movie world at some point. Inspires me greatly. Always has.

* * *

2019 was not just a year of sitting glued to a TV screen, not at all. I’ve been some places too, got to do and experience some cool stuff.

In April I was able to take a few days off and go to Lugano with my dear friend and relax for a little while. We also met up with one of the lovely people I’ve met through twitter, which was great fun and we’ve spent a fantastic day together (eating food I still catch myself thinking about at least twice a week).

In June I went to Pride in Zurich with my friends, which was also a wonderful experience all together.

In July I was able to go to Cologne for half a week for CCXP, where I got to see some great panels and meet some great people. And, most importantly and also the reason why I went, I got to meet Zachary Levi again, take a picture together, have a wonderful conversation while he signed something for me, and experience an incredibly inspiring panel where I got to ask him a question that he took the time and patience to extensively answer. I treasure these moments, just as I treasure all our previous meetings and the friends and experiences that have come with it. Seeing him again after two years was definitely the highlight of the year, and it’s a strong weight of the good part in the scale that is 2019. He’s always a highlight, the dude. I can’t wait until I get to see that face again.

Also in July, I joined a few friends for a weekend at a medieval festival in Germany, which was also a very interesting and good experience.

And now at the end of the year, I spent a few days in Berlin, visiting museums and bookshops and generally touristing about with my dearest friend, celebrated New Year’s with her in the only way we know how: with good wine, food, warmth, and a tv show we both love and hold dear.

I also shouldn’t forget the two parties I attended of our university’s English Department, and the Halloween party a friend organised, and the birthdays I attended over the year, as well as the Christmas I spent with my friends at my place.

All these things, all these little bits add up and add up and ultimately I want to think that 2019 was a good year. I am so glad this year is over, but looking back I find so many good things that have happened, so many wonderful experiences, and I wonder, why? Why am I so happy it is over? Why am I so desperate to move forward, to turn the page, to start a new chapter, a new book?

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

* * *

For this new year, for 2020, I have a few wishes. I’m not really one to make resolutions, because I know exactly I won’t hold myself to it, but I have some things I’d like to do, like to try.

2019 was my year of movies and shows. I won’t stop watching things, I’ll never stop watching things. But for this year, I want to put my focus elsewhere. This year, I’d like to try and read all the books that have amassed themselves in my possession, that I haven’t actually read yet. It’s doable, I don’t own enormous amounts of books yet. I want to try that. I want to try to read more, to find that passion and attention span again that I had as a kid. I might try to blog a bit about it, just so I have something to hold me accountable. We’ll see. But I just really want to read more. Carry a book everywhere I go.

I know that 2020 is bringing me another step closer to becoming my truest self. I have my next appointment with the hormone specialist early in February, and if I am not entirely mistaken (or something is drastically changed) I will be able to start taking hormones then and there. Starting testosterone is going to be exciting and interesting, and I am very much looking forward to it. What I want for myself this year, is to take it easy. Be kind to myself in this journey. Let myself be gentle. I always have so many expectations for myself, and I really just want to try and…let myself be, let myself just live and experience things as they come. No expectations.

This first half year of 2020 is also the time I will be writing my Bachelor thesis and, hopefully, by summer I’ll have my degree. It’ll be a tough but I hope also rewarding time for me. Having to shift the way I write papers (quick, barely researched and sourced, not even remotely re-read, always started mere hours before the deadline) to something more useful for a thesis, something fitting for a thesis, is going to be challenging. Keeping my head in the right space, keeping the focus and doing the work, it’s all going to be hard for me. But I have faith that I will find a way to reign in my scatterbrain and flick the hyper-focus switch into something that will be sustainable for the time I have to write my thesis in.

Speaking of my thesis, there is something I have not mentioned yet, that strongly informed my experience of 2019. Good Omens is the book I’ll be writing my thesis about (specifically a queer theological reading of it) and Good Omens was the story that has shaped my year. I re-read the book at the beginning of term and once the mini-series came out at the end of May, I did not really think about anything else since. This book and this show are so incredibly important to me, and it is, after a long while of nothing even remotely getting there, the first thing that has captured my attention so strongly, that it has outlasted my one-month hyper-focus ability and shows no signs of stopping any time soon. And that I am so incredibly grateful for. I wasn’t sure if I could still do it. Have an interest, have passion for something, for longer than a month. So many things I tried and loved and done, and after a single month, I dropped them like a hot potato and never touched them again. But Good Omens came and took me by my hand and lead me into the promised land. Especially since the show came out, I feel like a changed person. I have talked about it to no end, and I could go on forever now too, but I’ll just say this for now: This story of an angel and a demon crossing the divide that is their differences, coming together in love for the world, for humanity, and each other, this story means everything to me, and it has given me so much. Nothing is ever going to change that. That is irrevocable. And I know that 2020 won’t change that fact. I have faith that this passion will continue on and will inspire more positive change in me. It’s already started bringing me back to writing and drawing, so I know that it will lead me somewhere.

There is so much more I could say here, now, about 2019, about 2020. About my plans and my wishes, my dreams and the things I ought to do. But I think, I’ll leave it at that, for now. I tried this monthly blogging last year for the first time, and I think I’ll try to continue doing it. So, you can expect to read more of my thoughts on all kinds of things.

For now, however, let me say this: 2020 can be anything you want it to be. 2020 is yours to shape, yours to create in, yours to manage, yours to use. I want my 2020 to be gentle, to be taken one step at a time, to be experienced to the fullest, to be lived and felt and actively experienced. Sure, bad things can happen, bad things can always happen. But it’s your decision what happens next.

In 2020, I want to start loving more unapologetically. Do good, recklessly. Be kind, always. Not just to others, but to myself.

…

I have faith in us, you know? Humans. There’s so much hope there, still. 2020 might just as well show it.

…

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it’ll be a good one for you.

[all-the-love-harold]

Chapter 6 - Sweet Creature

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get this one up, but I kind of lost all motivation for a second there. But @harrysofluffy convinced me to keep going and here we are.  And, as always, I’m thanking @lovesmelikebrandnewstarlight for everything she does, always.  Ps the original story line starts in the next chapter! 

Please let me know what you’re thinking of the series so far, it really helps with the motivation thing (and my narcissism) 

Chapter 5 

Master Post 

January 17th 2016, London.

 Harry Poppy

 Harry, I think I’m dying

That might be overly dramatic

How many uteruses do you have?

Zero

I have two, so you can fuck right off

Sorry lady love xx

What do you need?

Attention

And Drugs

But if you’re busy don’t rush

I’ll just lay here in pain until you get the chance to come over

I’m unemployed love, I’ve got all the time in the world

Why do you think I’m guilting you into coming over?

Just can’t get enough of me can you?

I’m actually sick of you, but you’re the only one that loves me so…..

Heyyyyy

Maybe I won’t come over and rescue you now

Please do, I need you Stylessssss

Finnnnnnne

Do you need me to bring anything to you?

Some pain killers would be lovely

Okay, I’m at Gemma’s so I’ll just duck to the pharmacy and I’ll be right over

Thank you H

 ***

About an hour later there was a knock on Poppy’s door and she rolled her eyes as Lady barked at the door and she stood up to let Harry in.

“Shit love” he sighed when he saw her “You look like you’ve been hit by a bus”

She closed the door behind him “I feel like that bus has hit me six times, what took you so long?”

“I had to go back to mine and get us some movies to watch”

“You know netflix is a thing right?” she walked back over to the couch and laid back down

“Netflix doesn’t have the notebook does it?” He smirked and sat down next to her, resting his arm on her leg and watching as lady curled up on the floor, right next to Poppy.

“You need to find another movie to watch” she rolled her eyes and buried her head in the pillow “You didn’t happen to bring those painkillers did you?”

He stood up and walked over to the bench where he had left a bag of shopping and pulled out a box of Nurofen “How many do you take?”

“Two”

He was reading the back of the box to make sure that that was right “have you eaten anything today?”

“No” she breathed “If I eat I’ll vomit”

His lips drew into a sharp line “It says you need to eat before you take them”

“It’s fine Harry, just give me the pills”

He looked at her, concern evident on his face and pulled a banana from the fruit bowl “Just have a few bites of this first”

Poppy glared at him but took the banana from him anyway, looking him dead in the eye as she took her first bite, a half smile spread across her face.

“I hate you” he giggled shaking his head

“You don’t” she smiled “now drug me please”

“One more bite” he said sternly

“Yes dad” she rolled her eyes and took another bite

“Hey hey, none o’ that, not after Niall last year”

“Why are you not over that yet, it was almost a whole year ago”

“I will never be over it love” he handed her the two pills and a glass of water and watched as she took them

“Did we traumatise you?” she smirked. She was still in a lot of pain, but having Harry here was taking her mind off it all, which was helping.

“Next time I’m calling someone Big Daddy you can be trying to fall asleep next door and we’ll see how you feel”

“Do you call all of your romantic conquests Big Daddy H?”

“Do you?” he raised his eyebrows at her and took her glass back to the kitchen and searched through the bag of shopping, pulling out a block of her favourite chocolate. “I’m guessing you don’t want this?”

“Not even a little bit”

His face fell, a look of disappointment settling in as he made his way back over to her while securing his hair into a bun.

“Scootch over” he held out his hand to help her move over so that he could lay behind her  and snuggle in. He wrapped his arm around her and rested his head on her shoulder, using the tips if his fingers to gently tickle her belly and cringed as she  scrunched her face up, another cramp hitting her  like a ton of bricks.

“Why’s it so bad this time love?” his voice was soft and warm

“I came off the pill a few months ago” she whispered “This is the first one I’ve had since”

“Why’d you do that?”

“Remember when I had all those migraines?”

“Mmmm” he nodded against her shoulder

“The Pill was giving them to me” she closed her eyes, the pressure of Harry’s gentle rubs slowly starting to relieve the  pain. But just as she thought she were starting to feel better, another cramp washed over her and she felt the nausea rise in her stomach. She quickly sat up, holding onto her mouth and Harry rubbed her lower back before she hopped up and ran to the bathroom just in time for the contents of her stomach to empty into the toilet bowl. After a few minutes, when he could no longer hear her throwing up, Harry knocked on the bathroom door

“Everything alright in there love?”

Sitting on the floor, Poppy  reached up and unlocked the door to let him in.

“Come on Pop, the cold floor can’t be helping you, let’s get you into bed” he found a face cloth in the cupboard underneath the sink, and drenched it with warm water. He knelt down next to her and wiped the cloth gently along her jawline and around her mouth and then held both his hands out to help her  up. With his arms wrapped around her waist and helped her into her bedroom, where he laid her down on her bed and tucked her in.

“Where’s your heat pack?”

“Somewhere in the wardrobe” she rolled into a ball, bringing her legs to her chest in the hopes that it would help with pain, while she watched Harry search through the bottom of her wardrobe

“You really should clean this thing out Poppy, when was the last time you wore these things?” he held up a pair of old converse that had a holes all over them. She started at him blankly, blinking a few times before he put them down.

“Right” he cleared his throat “not the time”

“It’s right there H, next to the red heels” she pointed to the purple heat pack that was sitting on the floor right next to Harry’s foot.

“I’m not blind, don’t know what you’re talking about” he picked it up and threw it over his shoulder. “How long does it go in the microwave for?”

“2 minutes”

He walked out of her room and she heard the sounds of the microwave as she closed her eyes tightly. Before she knew it, Harry was back, pulling the blankets back and getting into  the bed next to her.

“Roll over love” he said softly and helped her roll over so that she was facing him. He then pressed the heat pack to her stomach and held it there. “Is that better?”

“No” she sighed “but it helps”

“Come in closer” he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him “let me rub your back”

“Thanks for coming to my rescue H” she smiled into his chest

“That’s what I’m here for love” he kissed the top of her head “Just don’t vomit again, yeah?”

“I’ll try my best.”

 March  20th 2016, London

“Harry, there are no jobs” Poppy threw her hands up in frustration “3 Years at uni and I’m not qualified to do anything”

“There are jobs, you just have to know where to look” he looked up from his phone

“Mmm yeah good advice Mr unemployed” she sighed closing her laptop and leaning her head on his shoulder “maybe I should go back home, that way I don’t have to try and sort out a working visa”

“Don’t be ridiculous, you can’t leave me here” he paused for a moment “I might know someone who’s looking for a P.A”

“I’m not working for you Harry”

“I’m not talkin’ bout me” he said, a little more offended then he should have been

“So you’ve been sitting there for the last hour while I search for jobs that don’t exist, knowing someone that needs exactly what I’m qualified to do”

“You weren’t going to listen to me”

“You’re right” she sat up “anyway who is it?”

“Ben over at the BBC”

“As in big boss Ben? Grimmy’s boss?”

“Bingo, don’t you remember what he said at your graduation?”

“I thought he was kidding”

“He wasn’t” he smiled at the idea “I’ll give him a call” he stood and reached into his pocket for his phone “where’d me phone go?” Poppy picked it up from the cushion next to her “right here idiot”

“Oi, do you want the job or not?”

“Yes I really do” she handed him the phone and he searched his contacts to find Bens number and put the phone to his ear. She could hear it ringing but when Ben answered she couldn’t quite make out what he was saying until Harry put it on loud speaker.

“Heyy Ben, it’s Harry”

“Harry mate! How’s that album coming along, we’re excited to hear it” his voice crackled slightly at other other end of the line.

Harry let out a nervous laugh “thanks, it’s a little while away yet though, listen, are you still looking for a PA?”

“Yeah, do you know anyone?”

“I do actually, a friend of mine is looking for a job, she’s amazing, keeps me organised for free” he winked at Poppy with  a smile so wide his dimple was showing.

“Great, I’ve got a free hour tomorrow afternoon if she wants to come in for an interview, say 3?”

Poppy was jumping up and down with excitement “wonderful” Harry said smiling at her “she’s very excited”

Ben chucked “me too, see you soon Harry”

“Bye Ben” he hung up the phone and Poppy screamed at the top of her lungs,

“Thank you Harry, oh my god, I love you, oh my god, you got me a job!” she danced around the room and Harry joined in, taking her hand and spinning her around, watching as she laughed, with a smile glued to his face.

After the initial excitement had passed,  the interview nerves set in and Harry helped Poppy to get everything organised, asking her the kinds of questions he asked when interviewing his own assistant and assuring her that Ben would love her. That helped, but the butterflies in her stomach only got bigger the closer the interview got.

***

Poppy made her way to the BBC broadcast centre at 2:30 the next day, filled with nerves, and entered the building with fake confidence, exactly as Harry had told her to.

“Hi, my name’s Poppy Thomas, I have an interview with Ben Cooper at 3pm” she said with clarity and assurance

“Ahh yes, Miss Thomas, Mr Cooper is on level 8, take the lifts to your left and someone will take you to his office from there”

“Thank you” she said turning towards the lifts, and waiting for the doors to open, butterflies rising in the pit of her stomach for the millionth time that day . She entered the lift with three other people and pressed the button to go to the eighth floor. The ride up felt like an eternity, stopping at almost every floor on the way there. Everything she’d done over the last three years had been leading to this moment, all the late nights studying, all the internships where she was simply treated as a coffee cart and all the stress of moving to the other side of the world, lead to this, and she never dreamed her first job would be working for the boss at radio one, but she had Harry to thank for that. The doors opened to reveal Radio One headquarters and she was greeted by a blonde girl, in casual clothing at the front desk.

“You must be Poppy, I’m Ella, the receptionist here, Big Boss Ben’s in a phone meeting right now, he’ll be out in 5 minutes at the most, take a seat over there” she gestured towards the bean bags in the corner of the room

“Thanks” she smiled “Nice to meet you Ella” she took a seat, in the bean bag, feeling a little over dressed in her pant suit, but she felt confident enough in herself to rock this interview. She sunk in the bean bag and willed herself not to pull her phone out. The last thing she needed was to appear unprofessional.  A few moments later, Ben came out of his office and greeted her with a handshake.

“Poppy, it’s lovely to meet you”

“Likewise”, she smiled

“Come in” he said, gesturing towards the door of his office, she walked through and took a seat opposite his desk. “I took a look at the resume you emailed me last night, you’ve got a lot of experience for someone of your age”

“I did a lot of interning while I was Uni, a degree is helpful, but it’s nothing without experience”

“You’re right” he smiled “I’ve heard a lot of good things about you from Grimmy too, so this interview is more of a formality than anything”

At that her whole body relaxed, “Wonderful” she smiled “I’ll have to remember to thank Grimmy for that” she laughed

“Don’t boost his ego too much” he laughed “So your job will basically be to keep me organised, and make sure everything here at the studios is running smoothly if I’m not here, you’ll be taking calls and responding to emails, booking and finding guests for the radio shows, my hope is that, with you being so young, you’ll be able to help us attract a younger audience, which at the moment is our main goal”

“Sounds great, I can’t wait to get involved” she nodded

“Well great” he said, “I’ll have legal draw up a contract for you, detailing your salary and hours per week, which will be the same as mine 9-5, and you’ll start two weeks from now”

“Great” she said, a smile spreading across her face “Thank you so much, for giving me this opportunity”

“It will be good for both of us” he admitted, “I think we’ll be lucky to have you working for us”

 April 7th 2016, London

 4 days into her new Job and Poppy was already ready for a holiday. It wasn’t that she wasn’t enjoying it, it was the opposite actually, she was enjoying it so much that she was going in early everyday, at around 7 so that she could get things organised and leaving well after 8 because there was just so much to do. The twenty minute tube ride tonight was enough to make her eyes heavy as she walked home. It was cold and dark and she’d wrapped herself in her big winter coat  to keep her warm. The warm lights were on in her building and as she walked in and into the lift it occurred to her that Harry would probably already be in her flat. Since the One Direction hiatus had started, Harry had been a little lost, he was working on his own solo material, but without the hectic 24/7 schedule he didn’t know what to do with himself most days.

Poppy unlocked her door to a quiet apartment until she was greeted by Lady jumping up onto her shoulders.

“Hi lady girl” Poppy said to her in a high pitched voice “Is uncle Harry around?”

The golden dog got down from her shoulders and looked at her expectantly. All the lights were on, but Harry was nowhere to be seen. She double checked the couch in case he was napping and when he wasn’t there she made her way to the bedroom where he wasn’t either. She did notice that the bathroom door was ajar and she could hear the faint sound of the shower running

“Harry” she called “Are you in my shower?”

“Yeah” he called back “you can come in”

She pushed the door open to reveal a very naked Harry standing in her shower facing the wall so that all she could see was his butt.

“How was work” he asked  turning around slightly

“I love it” Poppy smiled “but I’m exhausted”

“You look tired” he nodded “and cold, do you want to jump in” he gestured towards the warm shower.

Without hesitation, Poppy took her coat off and started striping down. It was April, but spring hadn't quite set in yet and it was only fair that she was standing in that bathroom naked too. Once her clothes were off she opened the shower door and Harry offered her his hand to help her in. The warm water rushed over her body and just like that she’d forgotten about work and being cold and instead she was focused on Harry. He dipped his head under the flow of water and his long hair began to stick to his face and neck.

“I wrote a song today” he said moving away from the water

“A good one?” Poppy asked picking up her face wash and squeezing it onto her hand

“One that I want to put on an album” he smiled

Her face was now covered in her cleanser but she couldn’t help but smile for him. She quickly washed it all off so that she could talk.

“An album? You’ve decided that’s happening now?”

He nodded “I mean, I’ve got to write three of them, I already signed the deal, but it feels good to have the first song”

Poppy draped her hands over his shoulders “Can I hear it?”

“You can” he said and put his hands on her hips and pushed her back slightly “But not right now”

“Why not?” she sighed

“Because, right now” His his glided shyly over her chest “I really want to fuck you”

Poppy took his hands and moved them back to her hips “No H” she smirked “We don’t do that remember”

“We could though”

“Friends” Poppy said simply

“Fine” Harry sighed deeply “But you’ll cave one day”

“What’s the song about?” A change of subject was exactly what Poppy needed right now, because she really wanted to cave. But that was a bad idea

“You” his voice was filled with pride

“Well now I need to hear it” she turned the shower off and pulled the towel that was hung over the screen and wrapped it around herself

“That was mine you know” Harry said pointing to it

“This is my house, technically it’s mine” she stepped out of the shower and opened the linen cupboard  that sat near the bath and pulled a towel out to throw at Harry. He caught it and wrapped it around his waist tucking the corner in so it wouldn’t fall down

“Speaking of houses” Poppy said “Do you plan on ever going back to yours?”

“Not as long as there’s food, water and company here”

“Alright then” she said as she checked herself in the mirror “and speaking of food, what are we having for dinner?”

“I’ll order us some take out”

“And then you can play me your song”

He held out his hand for a handshake “deal” he smiled.

They both got dressed, Poppy put on her snuggly warm pyjamas and Harry, the human sauna, put on a pair of sweatpants without a shirt. The living room was cozy and while Harry scrolled through the deliveroo app on his phone, Poppy turned on the tv to watch the news. They opted for thai food, because that felt like the healthiest option. Harry was antsy with anticipation, he wanted to play the song for Poppy because in his head that was all that mattered, if she liked it than that was as good as a number one. He watched as her eyes stayed glued to the TV too nervous to ask her if she was ready to hear it. It took him until after their food had arrived and they’d eaten it to even suggest playing the song and when he did, his heart began to flutter.

“Do you want to hear it now Pop?”

“Shit H” she said muting the TV “I forgot, you wrote a song, about me, of course I want to read it”

“Okay” he breathed

Poppy turned all of her attention to Harry while he pulled out his pink phone that he used only for work purposes and found the recording of the song.

“It’s not finished properly yet and please don’t tell me if you hate it”

“I’m not going to hate it Styles”

“It’s called Sweet Creature” he said softly just as he pressed play and handed Poppy the phone so she could listen properly.  She held her breath as the first sounds of the soft guitar strings crackled out of the speakers. Home. That’s what the melody reminded her of. She could see herself, on the back deck of her childhood house, on a warm summer's night, watching the stars. And then his voice kicked in. Warm and sweet filled with love.

“I know we started, two hearts in one home”

Suddenly Poppy wasn’t in her childhood anymore, she was back at Harry’s house, just after she’d moved to London. In his kitchen to be exact teaching him how to cook a pavlova.

“Sweet Creature, sweet creature, Wherever I go, you bring me home”

Poppy felt the tears pricking her eyes and Harry noticed instantly, drawing her into a hug as the song continued to echo around them.  His voice was rough and full of emotion, a love song woven of innocence and memory and hope. Home wasn’t a place for either of them,they had no one place they could call safety, but they found that safety in each other. And right now, enveloped by the soft warm tones of Harry’s voice, they found home in each others arms.

The final notes of the song sounded and the muffled sound of someone else's voice echoed in the background just before the recording ened.

“It’s beautiful Harry” Poppy whispered

“You don’t hate it?” he sounded surprised

“No” she shook her head “You’re my home too”

[the100imagine]

AU: The Merger. Apocalyptic.

Requested by Anon. Includes: Bellamy Blake x Reader. Request: * Okay so I know this is random but a while back you had done something like what it’s like to date bellamy blake in the apocalypse. I was wondering if you could do an imagine where you meet up with his group you the reader is like a complete badass but she’s kind at the same time? He just kinda slowly falls for her. I would just love to see this!

Note: it's an AU bc it's not in the normal The 100 universe and it's set in 2156 like season 5

The layout is a bit different bc I added subtitles to section it off instead of the usual '-' bc it turned out to be longer than I first thought it would be (probably bc I went off from the 'would include') so they are like chapters, rather than me making different parts to the imagine.

I hope that's okay bc I really wanted to add a lot more detail than my first crappy draft had had. It honestly had nothing (oh the joys of writing and scrapping hours of work). I also did it this way bc the second draft had like zero development, so I wanted to change that. Hence why it took so long to write (that and I had uni presentations and deadlines)

NOTE THAT THIS IS IN NO WAY HOW I WOULD ACTUALLY WRITE A LONGER CHAPTER FILLED STORY, I AM NOT THAT BAD AT WRITING

Note revised May 1st: I've been writing this for over a month now or maybe 2

Note revised May 28th: I'm still writing this?? Granted I forgot I was writing this, but seriously?? I don't even think the Take A Chance AU was this long(?)

Note revised September 16th: God I hate myself

Note revised October 5th: hello darkness my old friend

Note revised January 21st: I’m not sure how the layout will be changed when I upload this, so fingers crossed that it’s okay

Also, don't ask for a Part 2 bc I barely do Part 2's of things, so don't bother asking.

1. AGREEING TO STAY

DAY: FOURTEEN

    The merger wasn't something you were one hundred per cent on board with. Sure, in the long run, it was probably a good idea, but right now? You absolutely hated it. The group that you were a part of, before the merger, mainly consisted of older people, no one younger than twenty, but also no one older than forty. You liked it that way because it meant that if your group was ever attacked by a horde of zombies—or 'Z's' as your group dubbed them—you would just get up and run, it wouldn't matter who you left behind to die. They all claimed to know a lot about the apocalypse and how to survive, so it would have been on them if they couldn't. That was your mentality. But, since joining Bellamy's group, that way of thinking had to change. He had children in his group, two or three of them couldn't have been older than eight or nine and most of them weren't older than twenty. It was a big change. Not only that, but his group didn't survive the same way yours did. While your group tried finding a way up north, to a colder climate, that the Z's moved away from, his group was just going anywhere that looked abandoned and 'safe'. It wasn't something you were planning on, but you had to stay, even for just a little while longer, just long enough to try and convince Bellamy to have an actual plan. You had to think about the children. After that, you'd be gone.

    A few of Bellamy's members, including the youngest ones, had told you that they wanted to follow you, that they wanted you to be their leader instead. They only told you that because they saw that you were packing up the few items you had with you to leave with. You wanted to leave the merger because you knew that finding a safe place was better than what the merger was already doing. The plan was to head north, raid any shops along the way for supplies, maybe find a place to stay for a few days to rest before you headed back on your journey up north to where the snow would be. Most animals and living creatures (including some people) would have wanted to avoid the cold, so they would have moved away. This would mean that, if you were to head north, granted food might be a bit difficult to find, the Z's would have more difficulty finding food, especially as they moved slower in the cold, and as there wouldn't be as many people. Some people, who were too stubborn for their own good, would have either followed the animals south, because living on tinned beans was too much, or they would have stayed behind and died from not eating. Which would mean that there would still be rations of food and supplies up north to survive on. The rest of the animals would head south, towards the warmer climate, which would mean that the Z's would have some kind of food to eat before they completely perished—because they do need brains to keep going.

    That was the plan anyway. Until one of the members of Bellamy's group, who wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to leave with you or not, somehow managed to convince you to stay, even if it was just for a little while: "Look, I know Bellamy is a hardass, and, quite frankly, a dumbass half of the time, and you don't actually like most of the people from your group or mine, but we need you here. You're good for us, you're good for the kids, and believe it or not, you're good for Bellamy."

    "What do you mean by that?" You asked as you placed your bag back down on the ground, looking up at him in confusion.

    "Ever since the merger, Bellamy hasn't been as reckless as he used to be. Before the merger, he wouldn't have cared if one of us had taken some ammo and grabbed a gun to go shoot at things. He wouldn't have even cared that we'd sometimes just go out to shoot at cans. He wouldn't have cared if we wasted ammo or drew attention to ourselves. But now, since the merger, he does care."

    "But that's not explaining why I'm good for Bellamy, that's just explaining why the merger was good."

    The boy looked behind himself, not wanting anyone to overhear him. "I know that it was your leader who told him that he needed to start thinking more, but I also know that you were the one to come up with the idea to begin with."

    "How?"

    He shrugged. "One of the slightly younger boys in your group was boasting about you. You know, the one with really red hair." That would be Fabian, the guy who was only a month older than you but seemed to believe that it made all the difference in the world when it came to knowing the ins and outs of the apocalypse, when, in fact, he still barely knew how to tie his own shoelaces.

    "Yeah? Well, he's an idiot."

    "Doesn't change the fact that you know how to survive and you can help us survive. I know Bellamy doesn't listen to you, but your group does, and so do some of us. As long as Bellamy doesn't know who or where we get our information from, where we get our good ideas from, you can be the one who helps us survive this crap."

    "So, you want me to be an invisible leader?" You arched an eyebrow, thinking that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. It would give you the opportunity to persuade Bellamy to change his downright godawful plan of not moving north for the better part of keeping his group alive.

    The boy gave a lopsided smile as he looked down at you. "If that's how you want to see yourself, then sure. Whatever you say, Boss." He shrugged his shoulders as he spoke.

    "Don't call me that." You shook your head and he smirked.

    "Roger that, Captain." The boy gave a mock salute and you laughed, pushing him away from yourself slightly.

    "Shut up, and try not to expose our secret."

    "Yes, Ma'am." He nodded his head and laughed lightly, backing away before anyone got suspicious as to where he had gone off to.

2. KNOWING

DAY: EIGHTEEN

    After that rather odd encounter with the boy from Bellamy's group four days ago, you had been suggesting some helpful ideas for a few of the older ones to give to Bellamy. Which was working well enough as Bellamy didn't seem to feel the need to ask how they were coming up with the ideas when they never did before. Most of the ideas consisted of creating lookout groups, building some sort of safety wall around the current camp, that would easily be moved for the next camp location, and making sure to travel in pairs or slightly larger groups—to ensure that they had at least some chance of getting out of a bad situation if it ever arose while out looking for rations or potential weapons. There were some members of the merger who openly listened to you, instead of listening to Bellamy, who was the main leader of the merger, which could have been because you were, somehow, their maternal figure that they had lost. Or, it could have also been because you actually listened to their ideas and tried incorporating them into your own before you got the older ones to relay it over to Bellamy.

    There were times, during the day, when you had noticed Bellamy looking over at you intensely, which made you wonder if he knew your secret, and there were other times when Murphy, the boy who convinced you to stay, would tell you that Bellamy was watching you, if you didn't already know. If Bellamy did, in fact, know, then he was probably trying to find something about you that he could use to get you kicked out of the group. Maybe it was the way you trained, the way you spoke, the way you acted, or something else entirely, but whatever it was, he was bound to find it, that much you knew for sure. It was often when you were helping some of the members train with knives and other quieter weapons that you could find, rather than guns, that you would see Bellamy watching. Murphy would sometimes make a loud, unnecessary comment around you just to see how Bellamy would react. Which would usually be his shoulders tensing, his jaw clenching, his eyes glaring, and his body turning to leave. Murphy would laugh once Bellamy was out of sight and look over at you with a grin, feeling proud of himself.

    "You can't keep doing that, Murphy," you told him while rolling your eyes, your own smile growing on your face at his childishness.

    "I can't?"

    You looked at him with an eyebrow raised. "What could you possibly get out of making him stressed?"

    "Aside from stressing him out? The feeling of knowing I'm right."

    "About?"

    "Everything."

    "Cocky," you laughed, shaking your head at him.

    "Oh, I am. I've even got a great one."

    "Okay!" You spoke loudly, moving away from the twelve-year-old that you were helping train use knives, patting their upper arms to let them know that you thought they were doing a good job, which was something that you never imagined yourself doing, but it was all about survival now. Murphy snorted a laugh and followed you. "You can't say shit like that around the kids!"

    "They've been through worse." He waved you off. "You should have heard what some of the older girls used to scream at night when Bellamy was with them. My comment was child-friendly, theirs usually weren't."

    "You're unbelievable." You shook your head with a look of amazement on your face.

    "I'm your best friend," he corrected you.

    You furrowed your eyebrows and tilted your head. "Says who?"

    "Me… and I'm right about everything, remember?"

    "I've only known you for four days?"

    "Time is nothing but an illusion," he spoke in a fake old man's voice.

    With the roll of your eyes, you mumbled back, "Whatever."

3. NEW ROLE

DAY: TWENTY-ONE

    A few nights after that interesting conversation, while most people who weren't on watch were sitting around the small fire eating dinner, Murphy had sat down next to you, scooping the beans out of the tin with his knife. You watched him with a slightly disgusted face, no longer eating your own food because your appetite had left you. He had killed a Z with that knife a day ago, granted he washed it, but the fact still remained that it was his killing knife, and now apparently his dinner one too. Murphy looked over to you and laughed at your expression. Most of the children, who were still awake, were eating, and a few older members of the merger were sitting around as well, which included both group leaders, despite Bellamy being the main, and one of the older men, Lloyd, from your old group—who had watched you kill four living people and two undead with a machete after a trade went bad a few months ago before the merger.

    Your attention was taken away from Murphy when one of the youngest, who was about nine or so, walked up to you and patted your arm. "Mum?"

    From the corner of your eye, you saw your leader, Mitch, and Lloyd freeze. They turned to face you, staring in concern, which, in turn, concerned Bellamy and a few others, who quietly asked what was wrong. Mitch answered back quietly enough for you to pick up on, although the child and Murphy apparently did not, "She once strangled a girl to death for looking at her in the wrong way. What do you think she's going to do now that a kid has called her something that she's not?" After that, his voice got too quiet to hear. Bellamy only smirked because he knew that if you snapped and killed the child, then no one would listen to you and he would be in complete charge again. However, it also meant that you would probably be kicked out and he didn't exactly like some of the members of your group who only listened to him because you told them to, so he was conflicted.

    "Yeah? What's up? You need something?" You arched an eyebrow.

    "Are you going to finish that? I'm still hungry and Georgie took some of mine." The boy pointed to George, the other boy with his front two teeth missing while looking at you.

    A few members of your old group blinked and stared in shock, not expecting you to be okay with it. You passed the plate over to him and he smiled, taking it before he walked back over to his friend. Murphy nudged your shoulder. "That was weird, don't you think?"

    Truth was, when you were younger, before the apocalypse, you never imagined yourself as a mother, let alone a maternal figure for anyone, it just never really seemed to be on your mind, it never really interested you. But, at some point during the merger, that you had technically been a part of for twenty-one days, you ended up being that maternal figure for some of the younger members of Bellamy's group. A role that you tried taking seriously because you knew they were scared and needed someone, anyone, to tell them that they were going to be okay, that they weren't alone, and that it was okay to be scared. It was probably bound to happen to you at some point anyway, considering as most of the older girls in Bellamy's group couldn't care less about anyone besides themselves, all they wanted to do was sleep with Bellamy—some even tried sleeping with a few of your original group's members—while the two other women from your group, who had no children before the apocalypse, seemed to be disgusted with the younger members, so they were out of the competition. Even though it wasn't a competition, you weren't even trying.

    You looked over to him, rolling your eyes. "Shut up, Murphy."

    "Yes, Mum," he mumbled with a smirk, continuing to eat his dinner with his knife.

4. FEELING NOTHING

DAY: TWENTY-THREE

    Two days after the dinner, and the accidental name calling, Bellamy decided it was time for the group to keep moving, to change campsite locations. That idea was something you could get behind, especially as the group was slowly making its way up north, rather than going further south or just to the side. The idea also might have been because of a few persuasive words you had given Mitch, who then passed them onto Bellamy—who was none the wiser to the fact that it was your idea. During the move, Murphy was by your side, holding his gun tightly in his hands while his shoulders were tensed up. Bellamy was closer up to the front of the group, with a map in his hands that had the route already planned out in a red coloured pen mark, while Mitch stayed closer to the back—taking on the strategy that a leader of a pack of wolves would have, which seemed to be working anyway, despite the fact that you weren't wolves. Most of the younger members were in the middle, closed in by those who knew how to use the weapons, which mainly consisted of all the members of your old group, and only a few of Bellamy's.

    "How far do you think Bellamy will take us?" Murphy asked quietly.

    "Not as far as I would go, but that's just because he's trying to be cautious."

    Murphy scrunched his face up and scoffed through his nose. "Since when are you on the 'Bellamy Blake defence squad'?"

    You laughed quietly. "Since we started heading north."

    "We are?"

    "Yes. We shifted directions a while ago, and I can tell that we have from the placement of the sun."

    "My god, could you be any more of a loser?"

    "Yeah, I mean, I could make a sundial and tell you the exact time."

    "Jesus Christ," he muttered, shaking his head while grinning.

    "You asked."

    "I didn't think you would deliver."

    With a shrug, you laughed. "I always—"

    A loud, shrieking, scream cut you off and you turned to look behind yourself, as did Murphy. One of the girls from Bellamy's group, who you had seen leave his tent early in the morning three days ago, was trying to push a Z away from her. She had been one of the girls who had had a gun before the merger, so you assumed she knew what she was doing, that she could protect herself, but her gun was on the ground, with the safety still on. It bit into her hand as she, stupidly, tried pushing its face away from her. After finally realising what was happening in the situation, Murphy shot the Z in the head and it dropped to the ground while the girl cried and cradled her hand to her chest, slowly turning to face the group. The members from your old group lifted their weapons up to make sure no other Z got close to the group, if there were any more Z's around, that is. Bellamy suddenly appeared beside you, wondering what the yelling was about, and he stared at the girl. His expression was the same as it always was: empty. He didn't even flinch when he raised his own gun, ignoring the girl's whimpering and pleading, and shot her right between her eyes. Bellamy didn't even bother staying behind to watch as his previous group member's head was knocked back from the force of the blow or as her body fell to the ground in a heap. The dull thud of her body hitting the ground sent a shiver down your spine.

    "Someone pick up the gun and let's keep moving," he ordered.

    "Bellamy!" You called back, turning around to face him, still in shock. "Shouldn't we move her? Give her a burial or something? Are we just going to leave her out here like she's nothing?"

    He turned back around to face you, shaking his head as he scoffed. "What do you expect me to do? Cry over her lack of survival skills? It's not my fault she got herself killed."

    It then clicked with you that he didn't even recognise her. He didn't even remember the girl he had slept with. Bellamy didn't even bother remembering her name. She was just another dead person to him. He didn't care. Bellamy stared at you for a few more seconds before he turned back around and kept moving. The rest of the group was still in shock, but followed behind him, slowly, nonetheless. Murphy let out a deep sigh, shaking his head before he placed his hand on your back and pushed you forward a bit so you could both keep walking together. One of your old group members, Wyatt, picked up the gun and clicked the safety off, handing it to one of the boys from Bellamy's group, who was crying and holding the gun with shaky hands.

5. CHANGE IS GOOD

DAY: THIRTY-ONE

    Only eight days had passed since Bellamy killed the girl. The group had moved camp twice since then. It also had only been over a week since the little boy, Lewis, had called you 'Mum', and since then, others had started to do it as well. It had become a normal thing, something that you didn't think twice about anymore. Murphy often did it as a joke, but only when it was the two of you hanging out together, he didn't want to mess up his reputation—whatever reputation he claimed that was. You did notice, however, that whenever it happened, and Bellamy was around, Bellamy would roll his eyes and shake his head, thinking that it was stupid. There were even times when you would hear him scoff to himself when he overheard one of the members call you mum. You never let his attitude get to you, after all, it didn't concern him—apparently, nothing did. If the younger members of the merger felt better, safer, or even happier, calling you their 'mum' or at least seeing you as their maternal figure, then you were going to let them. They were children, they shouldn't have to grow up desensitised or feeling numb, even if it was the apocalypse.

    "So," Murphy started to talk once he walked up to you, while you were helping set up small tents in the new campsite, "how does it feel knowing you're a mother to about twenty people?"

    You stopped what you were doing, and stared at the tent material. "Is that a genuine question or are you being a piece of shit?" You turned to look at him, still upset that you couldn't give the eighteen-year-old girl the proper burial that she deserved. He had his hands in his pocket and shrugged, moving over to help you.

    "Genuine, I guess."

    "Weird," you answered truthfully, continuing to set the tent up, now with Murphy's help, while glancing at a few of the others who helped set up the other tents. "I can barely remember my own mother, so I have no idea if I'm doing it right."

    "I'd say you are."

    "No offence, but your opinion on this matter means nothing to me."

    Murphy laughed quietly. "I know, it's fine, I don't take offence to that." He shook his head and turned to look at you. "If you really want to know if you're doing something right, then you should probably know that the number of children who have had nightmares and have woken up screaming has gone down, by, like, a lot."

    "Really?"

    "Yeah." He nodded. "Before the merger, if one of the kids was scared, Bellamy would just brush them off and tell them to get over it. You, on the other hand, talk to them about it and comfort them, you don't leave them until they've stopped crying and have calmed down."

    "I didn't know that," you spoke softly and slowly, being slightly shocked at what Murphy had told you. You stood up straighter, letting the material of the tent fall from your hands. Murphy did the same.

    "Well, you've only been with us for thirty-one days, and I did tell you that you were good for us."

    "Yeah, you did," your voice still sounded distant as you took it all in.

    "And I'm always right."

    You snapped out of your daze and replied in your normal tone of voice, "You were wrong to eat your beans with your killing knife, you threw up like five times after that."

    "Okay, let's move on from that, shall we? You bring that up a lot."

    "I have to remind you of your stupidity so you don't get lost in the clouds while you're on your high horse, the air is thin up there, you have to be careful," you jested. Murphy snorted a laugh and nudged you, shaking his head while he finished putting up the rest of the tent.

    "Whatever. But I am right that you're good for us, this change is good. Without you, Bellamy would have sent us burning into the ground long ago. We would have probably been down in double-digit numbers if it wasn't for you, as well. You keep us safe and alive. We need you."

    "We shouldn't be losing anyone, even in single digit numbers. Besides, Bellamy isn't that bad, Murphy."

    "Ever since his sister died, he has been."

    "H-He had a sister?"

    "Yeah, Octavia. She died a few years ago, I think she was bitten by a Z. Since then, he's never cared who has lived or died, he only cares about himself."

    You were about to make another comment when you heard something being thrown down to the ground. It was the sound of metal tent pegs dropping and landing in a heap on the grass. Both of you turned to look towards your right, towards the others who were setting up the tents, who had also heard the noise and turned to look for themselves, and you saw Bellamy straighten up and clench his jaw. Murphy swore under his breath and you both watched Bellamy walk away. None of the others knew why he had gone off so suddenly, which was probably for the best.

    "Fuck, I—"

    "I'll talk to him," you told Murphy, patting his arm. "Just help finish up here."

6. AN EXPLANATION

DAY: THIRTY-ONE

    When you walked away to find Bellamy, trying not to look panicked as you didn't want to freak anyone out, you knew that he would probably yell at you and tell you to leave him alone. It was expected, he had just overheard someone talk about his sister, his dead sister, like it was nothing, but he needed to know that he wasn't going to have to grieve alone. You also realised that it couldn't have been easy on him, killing the girl, especially if it brought up any memories of his sister. By the time you did find him, it had got darker, and you knew that most of the merger members would be having dinner or getting ready for bed. Bellamy was in his own tent when you finally found him. It was the first place you looked, but you guessed that he had only just returned to it, he might have been at target practice before, trying to get his mind off of things. Or, perhaps, he was occupying his mind some other kind of way with someone else.

    His back was turned to you when you walked in and he was sitting on his sleeping bag. "Bellamy," you spoke softly, staying close to the entrance, not wanting to overstep the boundaries.

    "Go away," his voice was hoarse.

    With a quiet sigh, you shook your head, despite knowing he couldn't see you do that. "You know I can't."

    "Why? I told you to leave, so leave."

    "Not until you talk to me. It's not good to bottle things up. You don't have to be alone."

    He sniffed. "Just get out."

    "Not until you tell me about what happened out there. Not until you open up about what happened with—"

    "No."

    "Bellamy—"

    "I said no!" He yelled, standing up to face you. "Don't you ever talk about her! Just get out." He wasn't yelling as much as you thought he would have been, you also expected him to be physically violent, but he hadn't touched you at all.

    "I'm not leaving you like this," you told him, offering him a kind smile while slowly walking over to gently wipe away the tears that had rolled down his cheeks.

    He stared down at you, letting you wipe the tears before he moved away from you quickly, almost recoiling from your touch, as if you had burned him. "No," he said, shaking his head. "I—"

    "You can talk to me, Bellamy, you can talk to me and it will just be between us."

    "I… She—" He stopped himself.

    "She what?"

    Bellamy shook his head and sat back down on his sleeping bag. Hesitantly, you moved over to sit by him, but not extremely close, just close enough to let him know you were there. "She wasn't meant to be there," he admitted, closing his eyes as he sighed. "You know what? I shouldn't be telling you this."

    "You have to tell someone, why not the 'Camp Mum'?"

    "I can't believe you let people call you that."

    "They're scared, they need someone. Most children's instincts are to find their mum when they're scared, and I'm guessing that none of them have their real mother anymore. So, if I can be the one to make them feel safer, then who am I to take that away from them?"

    He looked over to you before quickly looking away. "She was just a kid," he started to explain, looking at the floor of his tent. "I was meant to be looking after her because I was her big brother. We were meant to be inside the camp, but she wanted to see the stupid flowers. Most of the plants around our old camp were just weeds, but these ones were real flowers. I don't know what they were, but they weren't weeds. I didn't want to be out there, so I wasn't paying as much attention to her, as I was to making sure none of our other group members found us and told us off. I only had my back turned for a second before I heard her scream and cry. When I turned back to look at her, a Z had already bitten into her shoulder while another was biting her arm. There was nothing I could do to save her, there's no cure… I couldn't do anything to save her. But I knew I could stop her from being one of them. Octavia never wanted to be one of them. I lifted my gun up and I—"

    "You saved her, Bellamy," you told him. Murphy never said how she had died so you assumed that he didn't know the full story or what Bellamy had been through. He didn't know that to Bellamy, killing that girl must have been like he was reliving the death of Octavia all over again. "You saved her from becoming the monster that she didn't want to become." You couldn't blame him for his actions or behaviour. He had to kill his own sister. If you had to kill your own sibling, knowing that they were watching you, knowing that they knew you would be the one to kill them, you wouldn't be able to live with yourself after that either. "You're not a bad person."

    "I'm not safe for anyone here."

    "You've got them this far, Bellamy. I'd say that you are."

    "They don't trust me in the same way that they trust you."

    "Then earn their trust. Be someone they can turn to."

    "How?" He asked, watching you stand up to leave.

    "By being their leader."

7. DIFFERENT

DAY: THIRTY-EIGHT

    Only another week had passed, yet a lot had happened in that one week. After finding out what really happened to Bellamy's sister, and telling him that it wasn't his fault, he wasn't as cold to you as he was before. The scoffing at the nickname had stopped, the glaring had stopped, and instead, he was trying to be a better leader. He knew that his secret was safe with you, especially after he heard you tell Murphy to knock it off with the questioning. Of course, Murphy was grouchy about not knowing what happened, but he got over it after three days. The weather was getting colder, especially as Bellamy had moved camp again, so it meant that more groups had to go out and find supplies to keep the rest of the group warm. The group had only moved once during the week, and the further north you got, the more abandoned the buildings had become, which meant that there were more rations to find—which was a good thing because it meant that people didn't have to ration the rations like before.

    While you had been sitting in one of the larger tents that were used for holding weapons and rations, Murphy was off catching up on his lost sleep after his guard duty from a few hours ago. This meant that you were left alone to try and plan the next trip ahead. There was a small table set up in the tent, with a faded map and a few pencils, with one red pen in the mix. Mitch had asked you to set up a route because it was what you had done for your old group before the merger and you were good at it, and then, when you were done, he would give it to Bellamy without telling him that it was your idea. That was the original plan, but since Bellamy was no longer avoiding you like you were the zombie plague, it had been a bit more difficult to keep the secret from him. It was also a lot more difficult to keep the secret from him when he cleared his throat from behind you, looking over your shoulder.

    "Ah, shit!" You yelled, holding your hand to your chest as your heart thumped quickly.

    "What are you doing?"

    "Looking at a map."

    "Why?" He raised an eyebrow with his hands behind his back.

    "I like maps."

    "Okay… but can't you admire a map without drawing on it?"

    "I could, but I really like maps."

    Bellamy sighed, tilting his head at you. "What are you really doing?"

    "If I tell you, you'll get mad."

    "Oh, really?"

    "Umm…"

    He lightly hit your arm with the back of his hand. "We're friends, you can tell me."

    "We are? Or are you just saying that to trick me?"

    A small smile grew on Bellamy's face as he laughed a little. "We're friends. Just tell me what you're doing."

    "Mitch wanted me to plan the next trip to the new campsite."

    "Oh."

    "'Oh'? Bellamy, what does that mean?"

    He looked at the map. "It means… 'oh'."

    "You're mad."

    "No. I'm not mad." He shook his head, staring at the map still, instead of you. "How many times have you done this?"

    "Every single time." You winced, not looking at him in his eyes this time.

    "Really? Why did Mitch tell me that he did it? Why didn't he give you the credit?"

    Your eyebrows furrowed together, not expecting that. "The… What?"

    "Did you think I'd be angry at you for planning our trips?" He asked and you looked at him, making him look at you as well.

    "Well, I didn't think you really liked me all that much, so…"

    "I didn't, in the beginning. But we're friends. I can't be mad at you for making the routes that are keeping our group alive and safe."

    "So, you're not mad?"

    Bellamy shook his head. "No. Just tell me when you've finished the route." Bellamy offered you a smile before he turned around and walked out of the tent.

    "What just happened?”

8. NOT THE ONLY ONE

DAY: THIRTY-EIGHT

    It was almost the middle of the night, and most of the younger members were asleep, but you and a few of the older members were still awake, sitting around a small fire, unable to sleep yourselves. Murphy was sharpening his knife, quietly talking to you about how training was going, as he was also helping train some of the members of the group, along with Lloyd and Wyatt, while you were sorting the ammo out, evenly distributing it into the small boxes.

    "Fabian is absolutely hopeless. He couldn't hit the target even if it was directly in front of him and guiding his knife towards itself for him. I get what you mean when you say he's an idiot," Murphy mumbled.

    "Three months ago, he almost shot himself in the leg cleaning a loaded gun," you told him.

    "Jesus, he's a walking disaster. I feel sorry for his mother for giving birth to the world’s biggest mistake."

    "Amen to that, 'Johnny boy'."

    "You heard him call me that?"

    "It was the highlight of my day."

    "I hate him," Murphy hissed bitterly.

    The tent, just over on the right of you and Murphy, rustled, and a little girl, who had matted hair and pale skin, walked out and rubbed her eyes. You slowed down what you were doing, waiting for her to waddle over to you for something, and you smiled softly, knowing that it would be more calming for the girl to see that than a blank expression. But, instead, she moved over to Bellamy, who was closer to her tent and who also had his back to her while he was cleaning his gun. She nudged his back. "Papa?" He tensed up at her small voice and turned to look at the girl, an eyebrow raised and a frown on his face.

    Silently, you stopped separating the bullets and watched. Murphy also stopped talking and watched, his eyes flickering between the two of them, occasionally looking at you. Bellamy, not knowing what to do, cleared his throat and glanced away quickly, catching sight of your expression before he looked back and sat up straighter. "Uh, yeah, kid? Can I help you?" He asked her, sounding rather awkward and slightly aggressive.

    The little girl began to talk softly to Bellamy, so you could no longer hear her. You looked back down at the ammo, with a small smile on your face, and shook your head with a quiet laugh. Murphy nudged your arm, leaning over to whisper, "Does that mean I have to start calling him 'Daddy' now?"

    "Shut up, Murphy," you responded, no longer smiling, but instead pulling a slightly disgusted face.

    Murphy laughed to himself, sharpening his knife once more. "Yes, Mum."

9. MAKE LIGHT

DAY: FORTY-FIVE

    Ever since that night, you made it your mission to joke about it to Bellamy. Murphy did too, but it was only when you were in a big crowd surrounded by the younger members of the merger, and it was purely just to annoy Bellamy, considering as Murphy still didn't like him very much. The other members of the merger now started to call Bellamy 'Dad' as well as calling you 'Mum', much to Bellamy's annoyance. Whenever the group would be moving camp, slowly making their way up north as you had hoped, you would catch up to Bellamy with a smirk and make a comment, most of the time it ranged from: 'Babe, our kids are wondering when we're going to stop for a break.' To, 'Our son says he's out of ammo, you got any more?'. At first, Bellamy would rarely find the humour in your comments, because he never saw himself as the father figure to the group, but there were times when you would find yourself talking about the members like they were your children without realising it, and he would end up smiling, even if you were yelling at him for being rude.

    "All I'm saying is that you don't have to be so aggressive when talking to Georgie and Lew. They're some of the youngest in our group and they don't fully understand why you sound so angry with them when they ask if they could sit down for a little while," you told him as the two of you walked slightly ahead of the group.

    Bellamy sighed and shook his head. "I'm like that because it's almost dark soon and we haven't got to the checkpoint yet," he answered, showing you the map you had been working on.

    "I know what the map says, Bell. I know it better than anyone else."

    "Then you know that we have to make it to the checkpoint before anyone can rest, that includes the boys." Bellamy had wanted the group to move again, just before it got too dark to move safely. The journey up north might have been better in the long run, but that didn't mean the journey was going to be smooth sailing. It got darker much earlier than it did down south, and with the lack of light, it meant that the heat from the sun didn't last as long, so it became colder much earlier too, and the cold meant slower movements when it came to travelling. "We can't always baby them, you know that." Bellamy looked down at you before looking ahead of himself again, occasionally glancing down at the map. "They have to grow up sometime."

    "I know, but, right now, my kids don't need to be scared of their leader. Not for another few years at least, just wait until they can really understand right from wrong."

    There was a small smile that made its way to Bellamy's face as he looked at the map and then back up to the path. "Right," he commented.

    "What?" You asked, knowing he wasn't saying everything he wanted to, you could somehow hear the smile in his voice as he spoke. "What is it?"

    "Nothing."

    "I call you out on your bullshit, Bellamy. Tell me."

    "It's nothing, I promise."

    "If it's nothing then it shouldn't be a problem for you to tell me what's on your mind."

    He shook his head and laughed lightly. "I just like the fact that you take your role seriously. You know, being their mother."

    "Why wouldn't I?"

    He shrugged. "Never pegged you as the type when you first joined the merger."

    "I never pegged you as the type of guy who would have more than one facial expression when I first joined the merger either, but here we are. All you did was frown and glare," you told him while trying to imitate his expression.

    "I don't look like that," he argued.

    You laughed. "Umm, yeah, you do."

    "No, I… I smile," he tried to sound convincing, but ultimately failed.

    "Yeah, after killing Z's and watching Murphy throw up."

    Bellamy rolled his eyes. "I smile at more things than that."

    "Oh, yeah? Like what?"

    "Well…" Bellamy had started but quickly looked back down to the map to avoid answering you.

    "Really?" You laughed at his behaviour. "My apocalyptic husband is an idiot," you mumbled with a smile, shaking your head before you quickly glanced behind yourself to check on the others. George and Lewis were walking behind the two of you, holding hands, while looking exhausted. You turned back to Bellamy and saw him quickly look away from you, something that you decided not to comment on, but rather ignore and hope it was nothing. "On behalf of our sons, are we there yet?"

    "You tell me, Anaximander."

    "I'm not a map maker! Stop calling me that! You've called me that ever since you found out I've been the mapper."

    Bellamy laughed quietly to himself. "Whatever," he mumbled. "We are almost there, just another mile to go."

    You looked back to the boys. "Almost there, just hang on for a little while longer. Can you do that?" George and Lewis nodded their heads and you smiled. "You guys are doing great." When you turned back to the front and looked over at Bellamy, you rolled your eyes at his knowing smile. "Oh, shut up."

10. GOSSIP

DAY: FIFTY

    Murphy was laying down on your sleeping bag in your tent while you scanned over the map again. He had found a dirty tennis ball on the ground once the group got to the checkpoint and he had kept it with himself ever since, making sure to hide it from the younger members of the group—he claimed that he wouldn't have seen it again if he gave it to them to play with and he needed it to keep himself sane. He was filling you in on what his journey was like, considering as you had been up at the front with Bellamy to make sure he was reading the map directions clearly, while throwing the ball up in the air to catch. One of his most stressed points was that he hated travelling alone, mainly because he had to listen to some of the girls' gossip and some of the kids' weird lies that they claimed to be true—like seeing a zombie dog going on a walk with its zombie owner. You could only laugh at how annoyed Murphy sounded as he recalled the conversation he was forced into with one of the kids.

    "I swear to god, if I'm forced to listen to that kid one more time, I'm putting a gun in my mouth."

    "Kids just want to see the good in things, you know? They forget that their wild imaginations aren't believed by adults because they haven't lost their innocents about the world, even when the world has ended."

    "Yo, Socrates," Murphy called out, throwing the tennis ball at the side of your head, "shut up."

    You looked up from the map when the ball hit you on the side of your head. "Just sayin'."

    "Mmm, well… Oh, and another thing!—" You couldn't help but laugh at his excitement. He was acting like a small puppy, one who was deprived of any attention, that was finally seeing another dog for the first time. The 'another thing' that was apparently noteworthy, according to Murphy, was that Bellamy had stopped sleeping around with the girls from his group. This piece of information wouldn't have mattered that much to you before. But, for some reason, now, it did, and for some reason now you were happy about it. But you would have assumed that it was awkward for him now that the 'Dad' nickname stuck and it ruined any other variations of it for him. Maybe it was because, in the beginning, it was only a joke, but now, since it's become such a normal thing, something more real, it would just seem weird for him to sleep with someone who he might consider his apocalyptic child. "Crazy, right?" Murphy held his arms out, waiting for your response. "That man is a whore and I'm surprised he hasn't completely shrivelled up and died."

    You raised an eyebrow, noting how much he sounded like some of the girls from his group. "Why was this something you felt like I needed to know?"

    He shrugged. "Dunno."

    "Didn't you just say that you hated listening to gossip? Why are you starting it? Are you going to ask me to braid your hair next?"

    Murphy rolled onto his side to pick up the tennis ball. "I've been surrounded by too many teenaged girls, which wouldn't have been a problem to me before because—"

    "Move on!"

    "It's like a contagious disease," he whined. "I-I can't be alone next trip, I'm up at the front with you next time," he told you while pointing at you, making it clear that it wasn't a negotiation.

    "I'm sure Bellamy would like that."

    Murphy laughed to himself as he rolled back onto his back to throw the ball up again. "I think he will too." He nodded before yawning. "It's late, I'm going to go to bed," he said as he caught the ball and sat up. "I will see you in the morning, Mother. Bright and early!" He laughed to himself again as he left your tent, without giving you time to say goodbye to him.

    "Clearly that 'contagious disease' has messed with his head a lot more than he realises," you mumbled to yourself, looking back down at your map. "What a strange, strange boy."

11. PROGRESS

DAY: FIFTY-NINE

    Camp moved again. This time, instead of camping outside, Bellamy had noticed that there was a large building, just off to the side of the path your mapped-out route had been taking the group. He decided to scope the place out, with a few other appointed guards before setting camp up inside. Once the building was cleared, and a perimeter was set up outside to make sure no entrances were left vulnerable, everyone else moved inside. Bellamy stood beside you with a wide smile on his face, it was one of the very few real smiles he had had since you joined the merger almost two months ago. The building had two floors, the bottom one was mostly empty and looked like parts of the ground had been burnt, or whatever used to be inside was burnt. There were pieces of debris and random metal tables and chairs—Bellamy suggested that it could have been a workshop before the apocalypse as there were some tools left behind and random frameworks left too. But whatever it was, it was home for now. The upstairs was cleared and people moved their belonging up there to set up their sleeping bags.

    Without saying anything, you nodded over to Mitch, who nodded back. Mitch and Wyatt had moved some of the metal tables together near one of the walls of the building before moving one of the metal frameworks and a large piece of flat wood, with the help of Lloyd, over to the middle gap, in between the tables, and pressed it against the wall. At first, Bellamy seemed confused as to what they were doing, but he kept quiet when he saw that you understood what was happening. Wyatt collected a few of the tools from around the building, mostly clamps and parts that would hold things together, while you pulled out one of the larger maps and waited for Wyatt and Lloyd to attach the wood to the frame before you pined the map up against it, making a makeshift bulletin board. Mitch took out smaller maps and other pieces of equipment and placed them down on the metal tables. Soon, Bellamy realised that it was a small 'Base of Operations' area to plan out new routes and ration trips. Lloyd and Wyatt collected the boxes of ammo and spare guns to place underneath the tables or on top of them.

    "I know it's not the best," Mitch spoke with a slightly disappointed expression, "but we are working with what we've got."

    "No, no," Bellamy argued, thinking that it was a rather genius idea. "It's great. How'd you come up with this?"

    "You should thank your mapper for all of this, not me," Mitch replied, holding his hands up in defence.

    You turned around once you placed the last pin into the map. "I worked with the military before the world ended. We did this before the merger too."

    Bellamy crossed his arms over his chest with a light laugh. "So, that's why you were so good at mapping and training?"

    "It came in handy." You nodded in response.

    "I should have guessed sooner. Any more secrets you have hiding from me?"

    "One or two up my sleeves, but I'm sure you'll find out about them soon enough."

    Murphy walked up to the base of operations, fake gagging. "Get a room you two."

    "What do you need?" You asked with a laugh.

    "Lewis isn't feeling so good, he's asking for you."

    "Oh," you frowned, no longer laughing. "Is he upstairs?"

    Murphy nodded. "Yeah."

    "Okay, uhh." You turned to Mitch. "You good to finish setting up here?"

    Mitch nodded. "Yeah, go see your kid."

    Murphy led you upstairs to where Lewis was before he backed away, towards the top of the stairs, leaving you alone with him. You watched as Murphy pulled one of the metal chairs towards himself and sat down, facing you and Lewis, watching quietly in case you needed him for anything. Lewis was paler than usual and his temperature was higher than it should have been. His face looked sunken in, his eyes were surrounded by a dark reddish-purple bruise, and his lips were dried and cracked. You sat down next to him, opening up one of the water bottles and handed it over to him, wiping away the tears that he had rolling down his cheeks. Once he handed you the water bottle back, he rested his head against you, wrapping his small arms around your waist. Only one thought came to your mind as you poured some water on a small towel to press against his forehead and placed the water bottle back down on the ground slowly.

    "Lew," you asked softly, keeping the damp towel pressed against his skin.

    "Yeah, Mama?"

    "Were you bitten by anything before we got here?"

    "No, Mama."

    "Are you sure?" You asked softly again. He nodded his head and yawned. "Okay, get some sleep, I'll be here when you wake up."

    "Okay," he mumbled back.

12. GONE

DAY: FIFTY-NINE

    A few hours had passed, probably two at the most, and you couldn't help but feel like something was wrong. Usually, where there was one, you'd find the other. Murphy had dozed off on the chair, holding his tennis ball in his right hand, so he didn't see your worried expression. Lewis had woken up ten minutes ago for the second time during his sleep and was finally drinking water, and eating some of the crackers that the last ration group had found—it was the only thing he could keep down. He threw up the food you tried to give him an hour ago. His temperature was still warm, but it wasn't as hot as before, but that could have just been because you kept a cold towel to his forehead.

    "Hey, Lew?" You looked down at him once he put the lid back on the water bottle.

    "Yeah?" He sniffed, wiping his cheeks with his sleeve.

    An awful taste was lodged in your mouth as you swallowed and asked, "Where's Georgie? Didn't he want to come over to see how you were doing?"

    "He's outside." Lewis shrugged, picking up another cracker.

    "What-What do you mean? What do you mean he's outside?" It was getting harder to stay calm in front of him.

    "He wanted to play outside for a little bit before he came inside with all of us, I would have stayed with him but I was too tired."

    "Okay, thank you for telling me. I-I'm just going to go downstairs for a little while, but I will have Murphy over there take care of you. Okay?"

    "Okay." He nodded, unfazed by your words.

    You offered him a smile before you stood up and quickly made your way over to Murphy, hitting him awake. "What?" He sat up straighter.

    "Watch my kid, I will be back." You looked around the top floor to make sure no one was looking at you.

    "Why? What happened?"

    "I don't know. I will tell you as soon as I find out, okay?"

    "Roger that. Go," he ushered you off, standing up himself as he made his way over to Lewis, putting the tennis ball back into his pocket.

    Without looking back at them, you quickly made your way downstairs. While you had been gone, Mitch and the others had set up the tent material as a divider for the Base of Operations, holding the material up with the metal framework that was left lying around. You pushed through the dark green material and made your way over to one of the metal tables to grab a gun with shaky hands. Bellamy turned his body slightly away from the map to see who it was before he turned back to the map again when he saw it was you but quickly spun to face you again when he realised what you were doing. "Hey, hey, slow down." He stepped toward you and placed his hands on top of yours.

    You couldn't think straight, it felt like you were having a heart attack. "I can't, Bell. Not now."

    "What's going on?" Mitch asked.

    "Georgie."

    "What about George?" Lloyd tilted his head, he was sitting on top of one of the ammo boxes.

    "He's outside."

    "What?" Bellamy raised an eyebrow.

    "I asked Lewis where George was because I realised he hadn't been to visit Lewis, and he said he was outside playing. He never came in with us, he wanted to play outside. He's all alone out there and he's probably scared."

    "Okay, I'll go with you," Bellamy replied, trying to calm you down. "Just—"

    "H-How could I let this happen? They were right behind me! He was right behind me! How—?"

    "Hey!" Bellamy yelled, forcing you to stop and breathe, his hands were on your upper arms, keeping you from moving. "We will find him and bring him back. It's okay. Last perimeter check showed that no Z's were around, he's okay."

    With a shaky breath, you nodded and loaded the gun properly. Bellamy, Lloyd, and Wyatt followed you outside, making sure to close the door properly so no one else could follow the four of you. But you were sure that Mitch would have stopped them anyway if they tried to do so. As you stepped outside of the building, you could feel the cold wind. It was much colder than you expected it to be, so you had no doubt that George was freezing out there all alone. Wyatt handed you one of the small torches he had brought out and he pointed to the left, indicating that he would go look over there. Bellamy nudged you and pointed to the right, and Lloyd motioned towards the back of the building, leaving you to go straight ahead. As you stepped forwards, you held your gun up, pointing it out in front of you, in your right hand, while your left hand was underneath with the torch facing out in front of you. The wind blew loudly against the leaves of the trees, causing a loud rustling and howling sound to emit, which meant that you had to be careful as to where you stepped because you didn't know if George would run off and scream or not if he heard it.

    After a while, the wind died down, causing it to be almost too quiet outside as you walked around, bar the sound of your own heart beating wildly, and an unwelcome sense of fear crept up the back of your neck with a cold sweat. The temperature had dropped a few more degrees while you had been out, and your cheeks stung from the cold air as if they were being cut with tiny knives. Your hands had become stiff as your blood struggled to circulate in the cold weather. As you stepped forward once more—after being out for around twenty minutes—you felt the ground shift slightly under your boot and a slight metal squeak echoed dully. Slightly confused, you moved your foot to see what it was, you noticed a red sign with white writing once you shone the torch over it. The words: 'WARNING: DANGEROUS SITE. UNAUTHORISED ENTRY TO THIS SITE IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.' were written on it, and next to it, slightly covered by dead leaves, there was a yellow sign with black writing that simply stated: 'DANGER: RADIATION.' with nothing else. As you bent down to look at the signs, to make sure you were actually reading them correctly, you heard twigs snapping to your left. Quickly, you turned to point the gun, aiming the torch to see what was out there with you. Wyatt had his hands up in defence, scrunching his face up as the light from the torch shone in his face, blinding him for a second, while Lloyd shook his head with a frown.

    "No luck," Lloyd commented, noticing the signs on the ground.

    "We found no footprints, no ripped pieces of clothing left on the low branches of trees, and we couldn't hear anything. Which means no Z's… or George." Wyatt sighed, running a hand through his hair. "You?"

    "Nothing." You shook your head.

    "What about Bellamy?"

    You shrugged. "I don't know."

    Lloyd began to walk towards the direction Bellamy would have been in. "Let's find out."

    Wyatt placed his hand on your shoulder, glancing down at the signs you had been looking at. Wyatt remained quiet, like Lloyd had, when he looked back up at you. "We will find him. He's going to be fine." You nodded your head and turned to follow Lloyd. Wyatt was next to you, occasionally turning his weapon to the side, looking through the scope, before he turned back. "It's not your fault," Wyatt told you quietly. "None of this is your fault."

    "Can we just find Georgie and bring him back home without talking?"

    "Sure."

    A few meters in front of you, Lloyd stopped abruptly and lowered his weapon. "Lloyd?" You asked, moving to stand next to him on his right while looking at his face. "W—?" When you turned to see what he was looking at, you saw Bellamy against one of the trees, his back pressed up against the base of the trunk, with his hands resting on top of his knees. He was gripping his gun weakly and was quietly staring off into the space in front of himself. "Bellamy?" He didn't look up at you as you stepped closer to him, moving around Lloyd and to his left.

    It was then when you were able to see what Lloyd had seen from where he was standing, that you felt as if your heart had stopped beating altogether, breaking apart into small pieces after it froze with the weather outside. George was on the ground, behind the tree that Bellamy was leaning against, with the left side of his skull cracked in. His left eye was missing and you could see straight through his skull, right to the back of it. Half of his brain was missing. George's shirt was raised up slightly and you could see that his small intestines were spilling out onto the blood-soaked ground.

    "No." You shook your head. "No, no, no!" The gun and torch in your hand dropped to the ground as you walked over to him and fell to your knees, starting to shove his intestines back into his stomach, with shaky hands, as if it was going to bring him back. "No, no. C-C'mon, Georgie, no. N—" Your voice broke as you started to cry, no longer pushing his intestines back in but instead pulling his body up from the ground to cradle to your chest. Wyatt and Lloyd were too shocked to stop you, and Bellamy was still staring off. "Please, please come back. You're my baby, you can't die, you can't, you—" It felt as if your throat was closing up. "P-Please, Georgie, I'm—" His skin was ice cold as you placed your left hand to his right cheek, not caring that half of his face was missing.

    "We can bury him," Bellamy finally spoke up, his voice cracking as he did. "We will build him a casket, and we… we will bury him, headstone and all."

    "He's not—" Bellamy turned to face you as you shook your head. "Georgie, he's—"

    "He's gone. I'm sorry."

13. LAID TO REST

DAY: SIXTY-ONE

    Lewis didn't quite understand. He couldn't understand what happened to George. It didn't make sense that his best friend wasn't coming back. There would be no more sleepovers in the tents, there would be no more sharing food at dinner time, and there would be no more games to play. Lewis didn't quite understand why. He didn't know why George wasn't waking up, why George was so tired, why Mitch and Wyatt were making that small wooden box, or why George was covered in white tent material, all wrapped up, safe from the outside world. The white material had some previous stains from the mud from when it was used, but now it had darker brown stains, over where George's stomach and head was. Lloyd had been the one to wrap him up. Lewis didn't quite understand that either.

    When you had brought George's body back to the building two days ago, you had been holding his small body to your own, protectively, despite knowing you could no longer protect him. Lloyd had gone in first and told Mitch, who then when to get Murphy. Murphy had left Lewis with one of the other girls from his old group, who didn't mind all that much as Lewis was only sleeping, and he followed Mitch outside while Lloyd stayed inside. He didn't say anything when he saw you, he just frowned and asked Mitch what he should do to help. You didn't want to let him go, you just wanted to hold him, hoping that maybe he'd come back, that maybe it was all just a dream. But hope was pointless. Bellamy had been the one to pull George's body away from you, to hand George over to Lloyd, and he had been the one who held you as you cried throughout the night.

    Only a few people were allowed to attend the small burial, as only a few people actually knew who George was, despite being in his group from the start of the apocalypse. Murphy had been the one to dig the hole, you knew that because you had sat outside, silently, with him while he did, just staring at the gaping hole in the ground that only got bigger. Once George's small casket was lowered and buried underneath the soil, Mitch placed a small headstone down at the top, with George's name and years of birth to death carved into it.

    Murphy stepped to the headstone and pulled his tennis ball out, placing it down gently in front of it. "George can play with it, you know, when he gets to the better place. He can make some new friends with it. Lasts longer than flowers, so," Murphy's voice broke off into a whisper, no longer trusting his own voice to stay strong in front of the others. He stepped away from the grave and stood next to you, reaching out to hold your hand, giving you a reassuring squeeze before he walked away, followed by a few of the others, leaving only you and Bellamy.

    "It's my fault," Bellamy admitted quietly as he stood next to you. "I was his leader. I was meant to protect him but I didn't. He looked up to me, they all looked up to me to protect them and… and I let him down, I let them all down."

    Bellamy sniffed, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve harshly, obviously hating himself for what happened. You shook your head and faced him, pulling him into a hug. "You couldn't have seen this coming, Bell. None of us could have," your voice was just as quiet as his was.

    "I'm sorry," he cried quietly, only allowing himself to show you his emotions in private now that the others had left. "I'm so sorry." He held onto you tightly.

    "It's going to be okay, Bell. He lived and died as a human. He never became a monster. It's going to be okay."

    "He was just a kid."

    "I know," you whispered, stroking his hair softly, no longer wanting him to feel the way he did.

    "He was our kid…"

    "I know."

14. STOCK

DAY: SEVENTY-FOUR

    It had been thirteen days since George's small funeral, and since then, Lewis had stopped asking about him. No one ever uttered his name. But people did make it a habit of visiting his grave, gently touching the headstone before they left to go look for rations, as if it was a good luck ritual—so, in a way, he wasn't forgotten. But you knew that that mistake would never be made again. More of the building had been explored, and by 'more of the building', it meant that Fabian had accidentally found a door to a basement when he was messing around with things he wasn't meant to be touching. Mitch made a note to yell at him after it was explored. The basement was much larger than the workshop floor and the second floor. It was also set out like a maze, with different hallways and doors, branching off from the main room.

    One area in the main room, that might have been underneath the Base of Operations, was sectioned off by a metal fence, one that you easily got through with two thin pieces of metal to pick the lock with. Whatever the building used to be, workshop or not, it was stocked with heavy artillery. There were about ten rows of shelves, five either side of a walkway space that was in the middle to walk to the other end of the room—not counting the shelves around the actual fence itself and the three other walls, bar one third of the wall at the other end of the room—that were stocked with guns and ammunition. Straight down the middle from the fence door, down towards the back wall, there were three large tables and as soon as you opened the door, you had no doubt that the Base of Operations would be moved down to that room. The rows looked like they hadn't been touched in years, which could either be a good thing or a bad thing. Mitch and Wyatt stayed behind to make an inventory of what was there.

    Once you walked out of the artillery room and turned to your left, you could see two doors along the wall, along with two large windows that took up most of the wall from the floor to ceiling. The door, closest to the artillery room's metal-fenced wall, was a normal looking door, with a sign reading 'supplies' on the foggy window. The next door, that looked heavier and harder to open, was in the middle of two large windows that looked into a dark room. Bellamy had been standing by one of the windows, trying to look in, when you walked over to him. He glanced back at you and shrugged, pulling a face that suggested he had no idea what the room was.

    "Want to check it out?" You asked, trying to look in through the window as well.

    "After you," he replied, pulling the heavy door open to reveal a small glass chamber with another door just a meter in front of the first.

    "It's like a quarantine room chamber," you commented.

    "A what?"

    "A small chamber or room that doctors or scientists would be in, that separated the quarantine room from the rest of the building, where they would be blasted with air or something to kill any germs or bacteria to keep them safe," you replied with a shrug, glancing back at him as he closed the first door. "You couldn't open both doors at the same time, for safety reasons."

    There was a loud beep before a red light above both doors flashed on. Bellamy was about to say something before pressurised steam entered the chamber as blew into his face, causing him to cough. Once it stopped, the red lights turned green and the inner door buzzed, clicking open with a hiss as it opened slightly. You pushed the door open more, grunting at how heavy it was, and stepped into the dark room. As you did so, there was another sound of clinking before the overhead lights flickered on, lighting up the room. There were a few medical beds inside with carts pressed against some of the walls. Opposite the glass chamber, there was a large, two-door doorway with the words 'operating room' written on each door. Bellamy glanced over at you with an odd look on his face as he asked, "What the hell is this place?"

    With a shrug, you picked at the blanket on one of the beds. "Looks like someone would have been ready for the apocalypse, too bad they never got the chance to use it."

    "Too bad for them, good for us," Bellamy commented when he pulled a cart over to himself and opened one of the drawers to look inside. He closed the drawer and pushed the cart back, moving over to a cabinet that was close to one of the large windows. "Someone left the key on top of this thing." On either side of the walls of the small chamber, there were white cabinets and, what looked like, old defibrillators. "And they left medicine behind too."

    "This seems way too good to be true."

    "Wait, some of these have gone off. Some are just saline. This one is empty."

    You nodded your head, checking to see if any of the equipment still worked. "That's more likely." You pressed a bunch of buttons. "I'm not a doctor so I don't know how this works. Cassian might, I'll ask when he gets back from the trip."

    "Who knows, maybe this was just a warehouse used for army training simulations, you guys had them, right?"

    "We had logistic supply specialists, but they were more secure than these places, and the simulators that we used for real-life settings weren't like this, they might have been in the past, but it's twenty-one fifty-six now. My training was set for twenty-one fifty-four, two years ago, not the early twenty-first century," you replied as you walked over to stand beside him, looking into the cabinet with him.

    "Maybe someone made their own?" Bellamy suggested with a shrug. "Granted, by a seemingly more paranoid person."

    "Maybe…"

    Outside of the room, Murphy knocked on the window and held up a piece of paper that he wrote on: 'FOUND MEDICINE AND BLANKETS. LLOYD FOUND FOOD.'

    "Great," you spoke while holding your thumbs up at him. He smiled back and walked away. "I suppose this is as far north as we're going to get."

    "Guards haven't found any Z's around. Snow is starting to settle since it started four days ago." Bellamy moved away from the cabinet and sighed. "Looks like this is our home now."

    You frowned. "Should have been George's too."

    Bellamy smiled weakly and moved over to you, pulling you into a hug. "I know."

    "Maybe we should help out the others and check out the rest of this floor. Cassian and some others can check the rest of this room out."

    "Yeah." He nodded and stepped away from you, opening the door to the glass chamber. He had his eyes already closed when he walked in as soon as he closed the door and you laughed, looking down at your shoes when the steam started. The outer door opened and the two of you walked out. "I hate that."

    "It's your fault you're a giant," you told him before walking over to where Murphy had gone off to.

    "No, it's not!" Bellamy argued back, moving on to find Lloyd.

15. WITHOUT THINKING

DAY: SEVENTY- SEVEN

    Once the basement was fully checked out, things began to fall in an organised schedule. The Base of Operations moved down into the basement and the layout of the front of the main floor was changed. Instead of an empty room, there were tables and some chairs set out for meals. Where the main door was, there were tall, heavy metal frameworks that barricaded the door for safety. Some people had moved down to the basement, setting up makeshift walls for privacy, which meant that the top floor had more space. For the first time in a long time, the merger had had an actual meal—which wasn't going to be a very common thing as everyone still had to ration, but at least it was something. When you walked up the stairs, towards the wall that had a small balcony outside, you could see Murphy standing outside with his gun held in his hands tightly. He had been on watch for a while, so you were going to tag him out and let him get some food and some rest. Some of the cold air from the outside blew into the warehouse as you opened the door and placed your hand on Murphy's shoulder. He turned around, and as he did, you could see that he had been on watch with Bellamy.

    "Tag out, Murph," you told him, motioning your head inside.

    "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."

    "Yeah, get some rest."

    "Will do." He nodded, stepping around you to head inside.

    When the door closed behind him, you looked over at Bellamy and smiled lightly. "You should tag out too. I've got this."

    "You sure?" He raised an eyebrow at you. "'Cause I can stay out if you need me to… or, you know, if you want me to. It hasn't been a problem before."

    "You mean yesterday when you almost fell asleep?"

    Bellamy looked away from you and cleared his throat. "I didn't."

    "Tag out, Bell. If I need a buddy, I'll get Wyatt."

    "Okay, be on the lookout. Goodnight," Bellamy responded with some reluctance, looking half asleep already. He loosened his grip on his gun and quickly leaned down to kiss you before he stood back up straighter and walked inside, clearly not registering what he had just done. The door to the balcony closed behind him, and all you could do was stand frozen in your spot. His lips had been slightly cold from him being outside for so long, and they seemed to leave behind a lingering feeling of still being on yours. Slowly, your right hand lifted up to touch your lips, barely grazing them, as if not wanting to lose the feeling of him. After realising that that was what you were doing, you quickly dropped your hand from your lips and instead, gripped your own gun, ready to use if necessary. There was no way in hell that the kiss meant anything, it was a simple mistake. Why the hell would it be so important to you if you remembered what Bellamy's lips felt like? You thought vaguely to yourself, shoving all other thoughts away, shaking your head as you tried to focus.

16. WON'T DO IT AGAIN

DAY: SEVENTY-EIGHT

    Bellamy didn't act any different to how he usually did, despite the kiss the night before, which meant that you had tried doing the same. But that wasn't an easy thing to do when all you could think about was the kiss—albeit a brief one. You went looking for him, and found him in the Base of Operations, alone, sitting by one of the tables at the back, cleaning his weapon. Bellamy turned his head when he heard the door open and smiled lightly when he saw you appear from the walkway. Once you were in his sight, he turned back to face his gun, taking it apart to clean properly before he began to put some parts back together again. You could feel your chest tighten, not entirely sure how you should phrase what you had to say, or how to even start saying what it was that you had to say, but, thankfully, Bellamy spoke first, clearly confused as to why you were just staring at him.

    "You need something?"

    "No… Yeah. Yeah, I need to ask you about something, about last night."

    "What about last night?"

    "You don't remember?"

    "Remember what? I have no idea what you're talking about." Bellamy stopped what he was doing when he finished putting his gun back together and turned to look at you, raising an eyebrow. When you didn't say anything, but, instead, continued to stare at him, it suddenly clicked. Bellamy's eyes widened and he stood up, looking down at you. "Crap," he mumbled. "I'm so sorry. I wasn't really thinking about what I was doing yesterday, it just seemed like something I should do, because of, you know, how close we've been getting, and the fact that we're basically the parents to some of the group—"

    "It-It's fine, Bellamy. I just wanted to ask what it was about, that's all."

    "Again, I'm sorry. I, uh, I won't do it again," he told you, watching as you opened your mouth quickly to say something, but you closed it again. Bellamy tilted his head slightly and seemed to catch on. He smirked and corrected himself, "Unless, of course, you want me to do it again. Do you?" Once more, he watched you say nothing and he laughed lightly to himself, looking just over your head as he processed it all. "Okay then," he finally spoke and picked up his gun, tucking it into the waistband of his trousers before he walked out of the base, leaving you to stare at the table.

17. CATCHING ON

DAY: EIGHTY-SIX

    While you had been in the Base of Operations to see if there was anything in the rations inventory that needed stocking up, which would call for a small rations trip, Murphy had been keeping you company. There were two lists set out on the table: one was a list that kept track of how much of a ration there already was, while another was for any rations that needed to be collected from the trip. So far, nothing had been written down, and Murphy was getting slightly bored.

    "What is it, Murphy?" You asked, not looking away from the inventory list.

    "Nothing. Why would you ask that?"

    "Because you keep staring at me and looking away with a huff. If you want to ask me something then ask."

    "What happened between you and Bellamy?"

    Looking away from the list finally, you raised an eyebrow at him. "What do you mean?"

    "Well, he can't stop looking at you. I mean, I know he used to look at you a lot before, but now it just seems to be happening all the time. Not to mention the fact he seems to be more distracted. Mitch had been talking to him the other day but couldn't seem to keep Bellamy's attention on himself, in the end, he just had to walk away and ask Wyatt. It's been happening for eight days now."

    You could feel a heat rush to your face as you stuttered a reply, "Oh, well, I, uh, I don't—"

    Murphy seemed to catch on and he let out a laugh. "Are you kidding me? Great, now you're going to spend all your time with him and I'm going to be left hanging out with Fabian," he joked. "Despite the fact that I don't like Bellamy, I'm happy for the two of you… I think."

    "Thanks?"

    "I guess my job here is done."

    "But you didn't do anything," you argued back before watching him shrug.

    "Mmm, that you know of."

18. ASKING

DAY: ONE HUNDRED

    Two weeks had passed, and Murphy only complained for the first four days since he had found out—which felt like forty. You were back in the basement, but you were in the supply closet, looking for some plasters since Lewis had fallen over and cut his knee. The door had opened and you saw Bellamy step inside, quickly closing the door behind himself.

    "I was looking for you," he commented as he stepped closer.

    "Why? What's wrong? Is everything okay?" You asked, worriedly.

    Bellamy shook his head and quickly took hold of your arm as you tried making your way around him to leave the supply closet, to check up on everyone and make sure everything was okay. As you turned to face him, to ask what he was doing, he pressed his lips against yours, placing his hands on your hips to keep you from moving. When he slowly pulled away from you, he smiled lightly and spoke in a quiet voice, "I wanted to ask you something."

    "What?"

    "If you're my girlfriend now? You know, because we haven't actually made it official… I'm not entirely sure what we are."

    Looking down with a smile as you felt a warmth spread across your cheeks, you looked back up and replied, "Well, you haven't actually asked me yet."

    Bellamy grinned and nodded back. "Will you be my girlfriend, then?"

    "Yes," you answered, placing your hands on his cheeks to pull him back into a kiss.

[wordsandshawn]

Before Now - chapter 2

Previous Chapters: 0. 1. 

2. 

We plan to go out the next evening, and he tells me that he’ll pick me up at my house, but refuses to provide any details about the night, insisting that I let him plan the date. I’m so close to bailing, to making up an excuse why I can’t see him. But in the end, I decide to go. Lying is not one of my strong points, and I honestly cannot come up with a legitimate excuse not to go.

He pulls up in front of my house in his Jeep, that expensive ass Jeep that he bought all on his own as his first car at sixteen. He’s talking to one of my brothers about hockey when I come down the stairs. Luckily, since we’ve known each other so long and our families are so close, no one in my family really thinks anything of Shawn coming over or us hanging out.

Once we’re alone in the car, though, it feels like a first date with an old friend. I realize that there’s so much I don’t know about Shawn anymore, but so much a part of me wants to know. Even though we met for coffee just the day before, I still know him more from things his mom or sister mentioned to me about him, or things I’ve seen online or on tv.

At the same time, being with him again feels a lot like coming home. There are things about him that I still know, that I knew about him from before. In a weird way, I know his history. I know his growing up. I know his family, and his childhood just as well as I know my own, mostly because his and mine were so heavily intertwined.

He constantly fiddles with the radio while he drives, switching stations until he finds a song he likes and then singing along loudly to it. It makes me laugh, which is maybe why he continues to do it.

“Where are we going?” I question after about five minutes of driving. I still have no idea where we’re headed since he refused to give me any information when I asked earlier. He just told me a time to be ready and to dress warmly and comfortably, whatever that means. Part of me tried to believe it was the unknown and his secrecy that made me so nervous for this. But the truth is, I’m nervous because its Shawn, because I’ve never felt this way about him before, because I don’t know what to think about how quickly this has all happened. And I don’t even know how to process how I even got here in the passenger seat of his Jeep.

“It’s a secret,” He says glancing sideways at me with that cocky smile of his as he reaches for the nob on the radio to change the station yet again. “You’re going to like it.” He says, before adding, a little less sure of himself, “At least I hope you’re going to like it.” This Shawn is the one that reminds me so much of the Shawn I used to know, a little unsure of himself, but thoughtful. Always thoughtful.

The drive ends up being long, but I don’t mind. It gives me more time to spend admiring Shawn from the passenger seat and laughing at his horrible dance moves. Even jokingly singing loudly, he still sounds good.

When he switches the station, yet again, Stitches comes blaring through the speakers. I knew it was inevitable that we’d hear one of his songs on the radio. He only laughs and changes the station again, almost like he’s embarrassed. “Hey,” I pretend to be upset, “I like that song.”

The surprised look on his face is something I wish I could save to see again later. “You do?” His voice holds just as much surprise.

I shrug, a bit shocked by his reaction, “Of course I do.”

“I didn’t think you listened to my music.” He admits, his eyes now glued to the road.

“Why wouldn’t I? Plus, pretty much everyone listens to your music nowadays.” I comment.

“Aaliyah doesn’t.” He responds.

“Maybe she tells you she doesn’t, but she does. Especially when she misses you.” I admit to him. After the words leave my mouth, I wonder if that was a secret I shouldn’t have told him. For being someone I barely know anymore, he has a way of getting me to feel like I can tell him anything. It scares me more than I’d like to admit.

I can tell he’s processing what I just told him, and that he really didn’t think Aaliyah liked his music. It’s probably part of her little sister job to not let him think that she thinks too highly of him. I respect that, even though I might have just exposed her.

We end up at an outdoor ice skating rink. I never played hockey like my brothers, but I’m no stranger to ice skates. We skate side by side for hours and end up chasing each other around the rink. I’m exhausted by the time we finally decide to stop.

When he drops me off at my house later that night, the reality of everything finally sinks in. I don’t know what I thought I’d been doing these past few days. I don’t know what I thought would happen, but it can’t. I have to focus on Uni, and Shawn’s leaving tomorrow for a week only to come home for a few days for Christmas then he’ll be gone again. Not that it really matters that he’s leaving after Christmas, because I am too when school starts up again in January.

I hug him goodbye outside of my house and tell him I’ll see him at Christmas. He looks like he wants to say something more, but I’m already turning around to go inside, so he just says goodbye and waits for me to unlock my front door and close it behind me before getting into his Jeep and driving off.  

I don’t know if I’ve ever been more torn in my life. It’s not that I don’t want to get to know Shawn more, it’s just that I don’t see it ending in anything but heartbreak, for me at least. He’s becoming more successful by the day, which means he’s home less and less and he’s insanely busy. I’m just a normal University student, not exactly the type of girl that fits for someone like him. Thinking that it’ll work out is only me letting my fantasy get the better of me. Something I know I shouldn’t do.

At this point, it doesn’t even matter that Shawn seems nice and interested, or that I like being with him. There are other boys that will make me feel that same way, at least I hope so. I’m only eighteen. It doesn’t matter that we have history, that we grew up together, that he knows a heart of mine that barely exists anymore. We’re too different now.

Knowing something and actually acting on it are two different things. Shawn and I text practically nonstop for the week he’s away. I grow used to waking up to good morning texts from him, to constantly trying to calculate the time difference for whatever country he’s in that day, and to FaceTime conversations before I fall asleep at night. When Shawn returns home again a week later, I don’t refuse his invite to go out again. All of a sudden Shawn stops being that kid I used to know. He stops being the Shawn Mendes that I don’t know anymore.

People talk about Shawn, a lot. He comes up in conversations at Uni, his music always plays on the radio spurring conversation. I’ve grown used to it. I’m used to agreeing with what people have to say about him. I’m used to listening to people comment about how great of a singer he is, how sweet he seems, how successful he’s become. But no one at my Uni knows that I know him. I did that on purpose. In most ways, I had convinced myself over the past three years that I really didn’t know him anymore. Sure, I still saw him once or twice a year, but that doesn’t constitute knowing a person.

But now, now is a different story. I know things about him most people don’t. I know things about him that he chose to tell me, that he trusts me with. Falling too fast is one of my greatest fears. Falling too fast for someone like Shawn, probably top three fears right alongside dying in a fire while I try to fight my way out not knowing if my family is alright and losing everyone I have ever loved.

~

“We can’t.” I tell Shawn, pushing him away, even though everything in my gut is twisting at these words and actions, because the truth is I want to. And part of me knows that his family would be happy, probably ecstatic that we want to be together. His mom has already mentioned to me several times about her dislike toward the girls he has been with in the past. He hasn’t had a girlfriend since he was sixteen, but he’s dated different girls, some of which he’s brought home, none of which his family approved of.

Everything suddenly got too real for me. Texting and facetiming him was one thing, but now that he’s standing in front of me, leaning in, I can’t help but think about the what ifs. I guess I’ve always been more cynical than optimistic. The what ifs, like what if we break up, how are we supposed to do dinners and holidays then? What if this just doesn’t work? What if he has unrealistic expectations of me, and he doesn’t want me when he realizes that I’m not who he thinks? What if he realizes that even though we came from the same places, his life, his everything is so different now. What if he breaks my heart?

“Why not?” He asks, his big brown eyes staring at me, as though he really can’t think of a reason not to.

“Shawn, there are a million reasons why we can’t,” I tell him, hoping he’ll leave it at that, but he doesn’t, of course.  

“Name one.” He challenges.

“What if it doesn’t work out?” I blurt the first thing that comes to my mind.

“So, you don’t want to get together, you won’t let me kiss you right now, because you think that that there’s a possibility that we might not work out?”

I nod weakly, realizing how dumb it sounds when he repeats it, but still I’m standing my ground.

“Ky, I don’t think that is a good reason not to try.” He says, reaching for my hand, but I pull away quickly, chastising the butterflies that have begun fluttering in my stomach at that simple touch.

“Shawn, this was nice, but this can’t be anything more. It’s complicated. It’s going to get too messy. I just can’t.” I say, taking a step back from him, creating space, which is what I so desperately need right now, at least that’s what I’ve convinced myself, even though it might not exactly be true.

He sighs, frustrated. He tries one last time, “Ky, so you’re telling me that you don’t like me. That you don’t want to at least give this a shot?” He clarifies, trying to get me to admit that I do want him.

“I can’t be with you.” I force myself to say, taking another step away from him, a step that he definitely notices.

“But you want to.” He sounds so sure, so confident in himself. God, sometimes I miss the shy fourteen-year-old he used to be. The one before all the fame and singing.

“Shawn, I don’t know what you don’t get.” I say, going off on him to protect myself. “I don’t want to be with you. Not every girl in the world wants to be with you.” I regret the words the second that they leave my mouth because of the hurt expression that crosses his face, and rightfully so. “Wait, I didn’t mean that—” I try to say, but Shawn doesn’t seem like he wants to listen anymore.

He’s already turned his back on me, but he calls over his shoulder without even glancing back. “Okay, Skylar. I got it.” He storms the rest of the way back to his jeep, leaving me in the middle of my driveway, completely speechless and full of regret.

~

All night I can’t shake the feelings of guilt and regret over two things: saying the one thing I didn’t mean and hurting Shawn in the process. Even though I feel guilty about it, I convince myself it’s for the best. Sure, we had a great night, and I really do see him so differently now. I can see myself really caring about him, but at the same time, I know that he’s not the same kid I used to know. He’s famous now, and that scares me more than anything. It scares me more than I’d like to admit. I have a hard time feeling okay about myself regularly, I don’t need to be compared to supermodels or gorgeous actresses or anyone else Shawn could potentially date instead of me. I’m afraid of the press. I’m afraid of the long distance. I’m afraid of not being good enough for him. Mostly, I’m afraid of getting my heart broken by him, by anyone, but for some reason, I think he could hurt my heart more than anyone else in the world. And that scares me more than anything else.

....

Please send me thoughts, comments, predictions on what you think will happen next or what you want to happen. Feedback really helps me write.

chapter 3

[positiveparker]

I Miss You Part 7 (Haz Osterfield)

Hi everyone :) Thank you for all the support on my other fics! I think I am gonna try and make the next part the end of the series because I don't want it to be dragged out eeeek. I promise I will make it a good ending! :) - L

- pairing ; haz x reader (I finally changed it! Also sorry if it floods up the Haz tags with Tom stuff)

- warnings ; swearing! fluff! kinda smut (BUT ITS KINDA NOT COS I CANT FOR THE LIFE OF ME WRITE SMUT), angst (maybe if you squint)

- song ; Happiness by Rex Orange County (listen here)

- masterlist

- prompt list

not my gif

“(y/n) I-“ Tom muttered

“So thats it, you’ve been cheating with her this whole time” I interrupted. I shoved my hand in the direction of Z, she looked shocked and offended but at that point I didn’t care. I scrunched my face trying to stop tears from falling, 

“Yes” Tom stuttered softly, he glared at the floor.

“Look at me!” I screamed, my eyes had scrunched too much spilling hot tears. 

“(y/n) I think that’s enough” Haz said grabbing my hand. His warm fingers soothed my seething anger. He rubbed his thumb up and down the top of my hand and then led me away. Our skin touching made my heart skip a beat. We stepped over the glass and he led me out the front door. I still had burning anger at the pit of my stomach so I turned around. Haz jolted back as I came to a stop. 

“you’re a real arsehole you know that, for being mad at me for cheating. When you’re the one screwing around” I spat. Jacob gasped and tried really hard not to laugh. Nicola sort of nodded approvingly at me. I tried to catch a glimpse of everyone as Haz pulled me away. 

“That was badass” He admitted chuckling to himself 

“Thank you Harrison” I laughed, we walked down the street. I didn’t even have any shoes on because I left them on the floor in the living room and I didn’t even have a coat. I rubbed my goosebump covered arms. 

“shit, we left our coats didn’t we?” Haz chuckled

“I’m so freezing oh my god” I said pressing my body against Harrison’s. My teeth violently chattered so he wrapped his arm around me as we walked down the pavement. He grip tightened every so often as I melted into his body. We reached the end of the street and on the corner there was a coffee shop. It had a neon sign in the shape of a coffee cup, its warm orange light reflected on the small droplets of water on the pavement. 

“I’m so cold can we go in there” I pointed

“I agree, I need a cappuccino ASAP” Haz shivered. We stole away into the coffee shop and approached the counter. 

“chocolate latte please” I muttered to the barista, my teeth still chattering. The coffee shop was painted orange and warm indie music was playing out of speakers. 

“cinnamon cappuccino” Haz smiled, I didn't have any money but Haz insisted he still owed me for the Chinese meal. 

We took our scorching drinks and grabbed a sofa. I slumped down into the leather and sipped my drink.

“I am again so sorry about Bella” Haz repeated

“Haz, don’t worry” I slurped

“I know it is a sensitive subject”

“Yeah” I sighed “I haven’t really talked about the whole uni and job thing to you have I?”

“No” Haz replied “But, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to” He said softly placing a hand on my arm.

“No it’s fine” I replied “Well, when I met Tom I had just come out of school. I failed all my exams because I was going through a really rough time. My friends all went off to Uni and I didn’t” I could feel myself choking up but I tried to hold myself together by taking another sip of my latte. The warm liquid burned me back to reality, I gazed over at Haz. His hand was still placed supportively on my arm. He could obviously see I was upset so he rubbed his thumb across my arm, pinching the material of my dress at every stroke. He looked so invested in me and what I had to say, it sort of mended my old unstitched wounds. 

I carried on “So, I lived with my parents for a while until I met Tom, he promised to support me financially until I got a proper job. I haven’t applied for anything since…”

“What did you want to do?” Haz asked softly 

“I wanted to direct films” I admitted “But, I didn't have the grades for film school”

“Don’t worry (y/n)” Haz breathed “Is that what you really want to do?” He pressingly asked

“Yes, I have since I was super young. Why?” I replied. Haz smiled and then pulled out his phone.

“What are you doing?” I asked worriedly. I tried to peek at his phone screen but he hid it from me. I protested and tried to grab his phone but he stood up and carried on typing. After a few minutes he sat back down and grinned at me. 

“You are starting at the London Film School in January” He smiled at me. He looked so chuffed with himself. My heart dropped suddenly. 

“What?” 

“My uncle works there, I put in a special recommendation” He smirked nudging my arm with his elbow. 

“That doesn’t mean I have actually got in though” I laughed modestly 

“Well, you need to submit some of your work”

“like a short film?”

“Yeah” Haz said brining his drink to his lips and sipping on it lightly 

“I haven’t got any updated work” I huffed

“Well, why don’t we do a short film together?” Haz suggested

“What? Like you act and I direct?”

“Yes! It’s an amazing idea!” He said excitedly setting down his cup and standing up. “I’ll be the knight, defending the princess from the dragon” He acted it out by flexing his muscles and pretending to be sword fight the air. I laughed and clapped jokily. “Or, a lost man who results to drinking to numb his pain” Haz wobbled around and pretended to chug an invisible bottle.

“Or! A young actor trying to find a job” I cried 

“Yes, and on his journey he meets a young girl who likes film making” 

“Yes, and then they fall madly in love with each other” I said standing up. “It’s set in a country town, by the sea!” Ideas were flowing from my brain and out of my lips. Haz glared at me in awe.

“You really are extraordinary (y/n)” He smirked, He edged closer to me and wrapped his arm around my waist. My face edged closer to his. His grip slowly tightened around me as his arm snaked around my waist more and more. 

“We are closing!” The barista shouted. We both broke from our loving gaze and quickly chugged the rest of our drinks. 

Haz made me feel so comfortable and free. I was so distracted and hadn’t thought of Tom and what he had done since we left the Holland's house. Haz and I thanked the barista and ran back out into the cold with our fingers intertwined together. 

“Stay at my apartment?” Haz suggested as we stumbled happily down the street.

“Well, I was kind of thinking of that already. I don’t want to see Tom for a while” I admitted tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. 

“Yeah, no worries!” Haz said softly “I have a pull out couch”. 

In my heart I knew it was a bit bad of me to be craving to sleep in Haz’s bed but secretly I knew he was joking about the couch. We walked up to his apartment building and he slid his key into the lock and turned it. We tiptoed up the soft carpeted steps and reached his door. 

5

He slid his other key into the lock and I noticed a huge scar on his hand as he twisted it around. 

“What happened to your hand?” I asked

“Oh nothing”

“Show me” I protested, trying to grab his hand. I tugged the keys out of his grip and look at his hand. I uncurled his strong fingers and analysed the huge scar across the inside of his hand. 

“what happened?” I gasped

“Nothing” Haz protested drawing his hand away.

“Why don’t you want to tell me?”

“Because you were there” Haz muttered pressing his head against the door. He looked embarrassed and then I remember the loud noise the night I left his apartment.

“Th- the noise I heard” I stuttered “what did you do” I said worryingly gazing up into his blue eyes

“I smashed a vase on the ground, out of anger” He admitted “It slit my hand when I was picking up the pieces”

“I am sorry” I said grabbing his hand. He looked at me and smiled slightly.

“It’s not your fault, I was an idiot” he huffed 

“An idiot for what” I said taking his hand a kissing his scar lightly

“For ever letting you go” He said. He looked at me passionately and I returned his gaze. He flung the door open and pulled me inside. He grabbed me and I wrapped my arms around him. He picked me up swinging my legs around his hips and sitting me on his counter. Impulse took over and my dress was already off and so was his shirt. Our bodies pressed up against each other, I pushed him down onto the sofa and straddled over him lightly kissing his chest. I reached his stomach and then returned to his soft lips, he flipped me over and propped himself above me. 

“I Miss You” He smiled breathily 

“I Miss You too” I breathed back. 

He grinned and then cupped his hand around my back and I curled my hands in his hair. Then one thing led to another and we were in his room, our bodies intertwining in his sheets. 

I turned over to stare into his eyes. He was drifting off to sleep but immediately came to when I rolled over.

“I love you” He whispered into my ear

“Say it again” I smirked

“I love you (y/n)”

He then proceeded to lean over me and kiss me lightly. First my head then my nose, my cheek, the side of my neck and then he started quickly dotting them all over my face. After every kiss he would softly say “here”. Then he reached my lips and looked down at them. He brushed his finger lightly over them and said “and definitely here”. I bit my lip and then he kissed me, I pushed him over and then I rolled on top of him laughing. I lay my head down on his chest as he stroked my head.

“Your heart is beating so fast” I said placing one of my hands on his chest

“really? Usually when I’m with you it feels like my heart stops” He giggled

“what, so I basically kill you then” I laughed jokily, I knew Haz was going to come out with some beautiful poetic sentence from his soft lips straight after. 

“No, you stop space, time and everything just with your beauty” He whispered softly. I looked up and him and pecked him lightly.

“You aren’t so bad yourself” I laughed, Haz always hated when I killed the lovey dovey mood with my jokes. He sulked and grabbed a pillow slamming it down on my face. I protested and threw it off. I pushed myself over and snuggled down into bed with Haz’s arms comforting me. 

TAGLIST ;

@tomsfireheart @feelingsareharddd @lovelyh0lland @i-dont-wanna-go-mr-stark @hazeyholland @lookclosernow @choke-me-sweet-pea @whatareyouhidingpeter

[h-styles-babes]

What About Us? | Part I

As per a request I got a bit ago for a prompt where Harry and the OFC are exes and she ends up pregnant, I present to you a new short story. I’m planning about 10 chapters, so hopefully I can stick to that. We all know how good I am about short stories though *coughBadHabitcough*, so we shall see. 

Hope you enjoy! xx

ONE

Valentina was in the middle of joking with Nick while he prepared to take his seat for the morning show when it happened the first time. 

She was stepping in for Tina as she was away on holiday, so she had to be in the studio about half an hour before the allotted time slot for the Breakfast Show. She had felt fine when she woke up and got ready to head into the studio, and she’d felt great once she’d woken up and made her way to her awaiting Uber to take her in. She’d been all smiles as she walked in with her coffee, offering an extra one to Nick as she passed by him. He’d thanked her with a wide, sleepy smile and a quiet hum. They were only three minutes from their start time when she’d felt a sudden urge to vomit that sent her running to the restroom that was thankfully just across the hall. 

She’d come back into the room, waving it off to a concerned Nick that she’d had something dodgy the morning before. He’d let it go with some concern, but when it didn’t happen again throughout the morning, he sent her home with orders to get rest and hydrate. He’d figured it was just a quick bug when she came in the next morning looking like her normal self with no following incidents. 

Unbeknownst to him, she’d thrown up at the thought of making herself a salad for dinner the evening before, and again that morning as a wakeup call. Concerned she was sick, she’d been pumping herself with water and vitamin C. She didn’t have any classic symptoms beside the vomiting, but she just wanted to be sure. It would be just her luck to get sick in the same weeks that she was overing Tina’s holiday. 

Except when it kept happening into the following week without any other symptoms (aside from all the peeing she was doing due to how much water she was drinking constantly), she got a little suspicious. She brushed it off, though, thinking there was no way what she thought was happening was happening. They’d always used protection and she’d been on birth control for years. Maybe she really was just sick. 

It wasn’t until Tina walked into the same bathroom Valentina was vomiting the week she returned that the probable truth hit her in the face. 

“You alright, darling?” Tina asked as Val exited her stall, wiping at her mouth with a wad of toilet paper. Val smiled at her as she moved to throw out the paper and wash her hands. 

“Fine, just been a bit sick lately.”

“Nick said you were sick when I first left too,” Tina hinted. She wasn’t sure if Val was purposely hiding something from her or if the younger woman genuinely had no idea. Tina and Val had known each other for six years now, so Tina genuinely hoped that Val was comfortable enough to confide in her. She felt like a sort of older sister to the girl, and she was there whenever she needed her. Especially after her recent break up, when Val had unloaded all her bottled up emotions on Tina when they were sitting together before the show. 

“Yeah. Need to get in to see a doctor,” Val shrugged off. “Keep forgettin’ to make an appointment.”

The tone of Val’s voice made Tina surmise that she really wasn’t thinking to the obvious answer. “Are you sure you’re sick?”

Val furrowed her eyebrows at her coworker as she dried her hands. “What d’you mean?”

Tina pressed her lips together and looked at Valentina with an assessing eye. She wasn’t sure how her suggestion would be received, but she felt a sort of responsibility to the younger girl. She didn’t have any older siblings herself, and Tina doubted Val had made her symptoms apparent to her roommates and best friends, so she felt like she had to take it upon herself to be a source of reason. Not that Val was typically unreasonable, but maybe she was just a bit in denial. Any woman would be in this situation.

Tina sighed before reaching into the bag that hung at her shoulder to retrieve the parcel she’d picked up before work, per Nick’s request. She passed the brown paper bag to Val with a hesitant hand. Val took it and peeked inside, clenching her jaw at the sight that confronted her. 

“Nick’s been more observant than you think. Asked me to get that for you before I came into work.”

“I—” Val started, already shaking her head. This wasn’t possible. She’d always been so careful because she never wanted this to happen when they weren’t ready. They were only barely twenty-three and nowhere near ready to be parents. They’d been so cautious. 

“Please. For all of us. Nick’s been worried sick, and he’s makin’ me worry.” “Nick hasn’t said anything to him, right?” Val asked, suddenly nearly panicking. 

“No, no,” Tina rushed to assure. “Didn’t wanna worry him if it was nothing. Also didn’t wanna tell him before you did.”

Val sucked in a deep breath. “Alright. I’m gonna go pee on these.”

“Don’t fall in.”

Val stuck her tongue out at her friend before disappearing back into the stall she first emerged from. 

Peeing on a couple of sticks was a surprisingly easy way to find out the answer to something that could drastically change the rest of your life. It seemed too simple, like it should be a more complicated process. Like something that could be this heavy should be constructed of more than a few grams of plastic and dye. Surely a doctor was necessary for this sort of thing? But medical advancements had long since made a blood test pretty much obsolete. It was mind boggling to Val. 

Tina handed Valentina a couple of paper towels to set her tests on as she rested them on the counter. Val washed her hands once again and took a deep breath. Three minutes. That was all it would take to find out her fate. Three minutes to change her life forever.

(Really, the event that would have actually changed her fate lasted much longer than three minutes. If she could remember correctly from the last time her and her ex were together, they’d been in bed for over half an hour, not including the time they’d messed around before they’d actually gotten to the act. It was definitely a good time, despite what happened a few hours later, but it was still such a short time that would affect her for years.)

Tina wrapped an arm around Valentina’s shoulders in support. She could feel the younger woman shaking in her nerves, her fingers fiddling together, a habit she’d picked up from her ex over the years. The way she shifted to plucking at her bottom lip with a couple of her fingers was another habit she’d gleaned off of him. Tina was endeared by it, having a soft spot in her heart for both of them. The lad hadn’t been in the studio since their break up, being respectful of Val’s space, but he was scheduled to come in for the release of a new song in a couple weeks, and Tina had no idea how that would go.

They stood there together for an indiscernible amount of time. They both knew the start time of the Breakfast Show was drawing upon them, so they didn’t have much time to dawdle. Tine glanced at the watch on her wrist and noted that it’d been much longer than three minutes. And there were only five minutes to the start of the show. 

“Now or never, Val,” she urged gently, giving a little nudge. 

Val let out a breath she’d been holding and nodded. She leaned forward, a hand supporting her on the counter to support her in case of any mishaps. It took her a moment to focus her eyes to the little marks, but it only took that moment for her world to completely shift on her axis. 

Because all three tests had two little pink lines shown back at her.

Because she hadn’t spoken to the father of her unborn child since January. Because they’d been broken up since the day she was pretty sure the little surprise currently growing inside her was conceived. 

Because her ex was Harry Styles, and nothing was simple when it came to him.

The only good thing about this day was that it was Friday, which was the end of her work week. She’d had to wait to tell Nick that the tests had come back positive until they had a break, which had nearly made him tear his hair out and yell at her live on the air, which would not have been good. Luckily, they’d been able to contain him and he’d sat quietly until they’d began playing a few songs. He’d made a weird yodeling sound when she’d confirmed that she was indeed pregnant with Harry Styles’ child. She’d like to say she’d never heard him make that sound before, but that would be a lie. Nick made that sound often, for some reason. 

He’d insisted that Val come back with him to his place after work so they could have tea and talk and maybe settle in for a kip if they were feeling up to it. Val didn’t have any other plans for the day, so she agreed. She liked spending time with Nick outside of the studio. They’d known each other since 2011, and he was a really great friend. He’d vouched for her when the studio had been considering whether or not to extend a job to her when her internship was over and she’d graduated from uni. She’d been there for her throughout her relationship with Harry and all the emotional ups and downs she’d gone through because of his very public career. Not that her own was any less public, but the country of England was nothing compared to the entire world. 

“Whatcha in the mood for, babe?” Nick asked as he opened his cupboard. “Got all sorts in here.”

“Just an English Breakfast, please. D—”

“Dash of cream, one sugar, I know, Val,” he teased her. “Been makin’ yeh tea for nearly six years now. Think I remember by now.”

“Sorry,” Val sighed, sinking into one of his plush sofas. “I’m a bit out of it. Been a bit of a day.”

Nick scoffed. “Yeh don’t say?” He turned and leaned against the counter to face her. “When are yeh gonna tell him?”

Val blew out a raspberry and kicked off her shoes. “Don’t know. Haven’t spoken to him since we split. The girls handled gettin’ my stuff from his place and takin’ him his stuff from ours.” Nick tossed her an apple from the basket on his counter, which she caught effortlessly. “I’m still kinda trying to take it in.”

“Let him do it with yeh,” Nick urged, his tone a bit pleading. While he was good friends with both parties, he had no part in taking sides when they split. He’d advocate for both of them to the other when he needed to, and now it was his turn to advocate for an absent Harry. This was his responsibility, too, and Nick knew Harry would want to take an active role in this. Harry had always wanted to be a father, and while this was probably a lot sooner than he’d figured, it didn’t change the fact that he’d be happy eventually. “Yeh know he’s gonna react alright. It’s Harry.”

Val let her head fall back against the couch with a groan. “I know! He’s gonna be all kind and dotin’ about it! I don’t need that right now.” Val trailed off into a rant in Spanish, and Nick just let her get it out as he steeped their teas. He didn’t understand a lick obviously, but he’d learned long ago to just let Valentina get her rant out, because it was usually just what she’d said in English in new ways, and if it was something different, she’d repeat it in English anyway. It was something he’d had to learn fast about Val; she was not at all shy by her background and had no problem giving you what for in Spanish just for it to sound more angry. 

“Yeh done?” Nick asked as he brought her tea to her and took a seat next to her. She was a bit teary and she was sniffling a bit, but she looked like she was alright, overall. Nick figured all the emotions were just catching up with her now. She flopped her head over to look at him. “Yeah. It wasn’t comin’ out fast enough in English.”

“Accent’s hard to get around,” Nick agreed with a nod. “He’ll be on the show in a week and a half’s time.”

Val shook her head. “Gotta do it before then. Not gonna drop it to him when he gets there. ‘Hey, Harry! Welcome back to the studio! Hope your new single smashes it! Oh, by the way, I’m pregnant with your baby!’ I don’t see that goin’ over well.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “Didn’t mean to tell him when he came on, babe. Meant yeh need to do it before then, so nothing’s awkward while we’re all there. Yeh know I can’t keep me fuckin’ mouth shut.”

Val snorted a watery laugh at him. “Yeah, I definitely know that. Terrible secret keeper, Grimshaw.”

“So, yeh just gotta tell him before I let it slip by accident.”

She nodded and finally leaned forward to grab her own mug. “Yeah, I will. Maybe I’ll ask him over for dinner or summat.”

“Sound. Are those farm animals on your socks? 

“Yes. They’re fuzzy and keep my feet warm. You know my feet always get really cold.”

“True. Yeh’re like a little ice lolly. Now, can we watch endless America’s Next Top Model?”

“I’d like nothing better.”

They only made it through an episode and a half on Netflix before they fell asleep against each other on the couch. They’d wrapped a blanket around them at some point, and now they were snuggled into it, Val’s head resting on Nick’s shoulder, one of his arms around her waist to keep her close. Val has been truly exhausted lately, and now that she knows why, she’s less inclined to make herself push through the feeling and continue on with her day. Sleep and rest is good for the baby, right?

This is the sight Harry walks in on when he arrives at Nick’s flat. Nick had asked him the day before if he had any plans for the afternoon. Harry didn’t but he hadn’t given Nick an absolute answer because sometimes things with his record label would come up that he couldn’t get out of, and he hadn’t wanted to make plans with his friend just to have to cancel them. But, when the late morning came and went with no calls from anyone official, he’d decided to head over. He knew Nick was off work, and he doubted the older man had anything else going on since he’d asked Harry over, so he saw no problem with just arriving unannounced. It’s not like he’d never done it before. 

He hadn’t expected his ex-girlfriend to be there, though, and he paused in the entrance to the living room when he saw them curled together on the couch, an episode of America’s Next Top Model playing on the large TV. He hadn’t seen her in nearly three months, and now there she was, in his best mate’s home, sleeping peacefully on his sofa. 

She hadn’t changed much in the time since they’d last seen each other. Her hair was the same chocolatey brown color, the ends dyed to a more honey tone that she’d been keeping up for the last year or so. She’d decided to dye it after she’d let it grow out from when she’d cut it up to her shoulders nearly two years prior. It now came nearly to her waist, and Harry had always loved wrapping his fingers up in it when they were intimate or if they were simply lounging around the house. It had always been so soft and shiny and thick, and she’d always made sure it smelled good.

Her skin was the same golden tone it had always been, despite the lack of sun in England. The tone was solely due to her Hispanic background and not the weather conditions. Her mum had moved to England from Mexico back in the eighties to go to school, and she’d met Val’s dad while at uni. So, Val was biracial, but everything about her was very clearly Hispanic. Her mum’s genes were strong, evidently. 

The only thing that looked different about her was the dark circles under her eyes, nearly covered by her long lashes, but still very prominent. Harry hadn’t seen her look that exhausted since she was in uni, interning at BBC, and working a part-time job all at once her second year. Harry was able to convince her to quit her job and just focus on school and the internship her final year, which seemed to take a lot of stress off of her. It had been a hard battle, but he knew it was one that she’d needed to lose so she wouldn’t wear herself to the ground. Harry didn’t know the minimum hours of sleep someone had to have in order to keep going, but he was pretty sure Val was far below it in those days.  

Unsure of how to proceed, he trailed into the kitchen to make himself a cuppa. He wasn’t sure how long the pair had been asleep, but he was hoping their kip was coming to an end, so that he could say honestly that he’d only been there a few minutes when they woke up and inevitably asked. 

Like someone up above had answered Harry’s prayers, Grimmy roused on the couch, making those weird dad noises he made as he stretched, careful to avoid jamming into Valentina with his long limbs. His eyes were still squeezed shut, but he heard the telltale sound of water beginning to boil in his kettle, which he knew for a fact he’d turned off before he’d come over to watch his show with Val. 

Nick peeked his eyes open and saw Harry standing in his kitchen, helping himself to a cuppa, which was nothing out of the ordinary between them. He’d lost track of the amount of time they’d each dropped by the other’s home unannounced and uninvited. It was comfortable for them. And it was only then that Nick remembered that he’d invited Harry over text yesterday, and when he’d not gotten a certain answer, he’d forgotten about it, obviously, since he’d brought Val over after work. (Honestly, he would have invited Val over anyway, given the situation, and told Harry he could fuck off for the afternoon if he’d accepted right away, but that was beside the point.)

“Young Harold, in the flesh. Felt like I haven’t seen yeh in a hot minute, mate,” Grimmy greeted the younger lad. Harry looked over his shoulder and grinned at his friend, giving a soft wave. He was in a large knit brown jumper that was a couple sizes too big, as the sleeves fell to his fingers, creating cosy little sweater paws. Only Harry could pull off both cosily adorable and devastatingly handsome, Nick thought.

“Hi,” Harry drew out softly, not wanting to wake Val unnecessarily. The girl definitely looked like she needed and deserved this nap. Nick pushed himself off the couch and covered Valentina appropriately with the blanket before joining Harry in the kitchen.

“Sorry, didn’t realise yeh were gonna have Val over,” Harry apologised as Nick saddled up beside him. “Wouldn’t’ve come over if I knew she was here.”

“It’s alright,” Nick shrugged, placing his own used mug in the sink. “Was a spur of the moment thing as we were gettin’ off work. Girl needed to wind down from the day.”

Harry’s eyebrows furrowed deeply, looking toward his friend in concern. “She alright? Work’s good, yeah? Parents are alright?” He looked back over at Val, who’d moved to take up the entirety of the couch, tucking her chin into the blanket like she’d always done. It’d only been two months since they split, but Harry was certain there were things about Val he’d neer forget. She’d been his whole world for so long. “She looks completely spent.”

“Everythin’s fine,” Nick assured, though he wasn’t really sure that that was the truth. She did just get life-changing news that day. “Glad yeh’re here, actually. Reckon she’d like to talk to yeh.” Nick figured now was as good a time as any for them to have a little chat about their impending parenthood. Valentina had been stressing about it, but Nick thought this was the perfect solution. She’d have no time to psych herself out about it, and Nick could be there as a buffer if that’s what they needed. Plus, he’d always reckoned he’d be there when Val told Harry she was pregnant with their first child; he’d just assumed it would be under very different circumstances. Life didn’t work out perfectly for anyone, though. 

Harry shook his head. “Don’t think so,” he denied, shutting off the kettle just as it started whistling. “Told me not to contact her last time I was walkin’ out of her flat.”

“It’s been two months,” Nick told him, pouring his cuppa for him. “Yeh’ve both had time to clear your heads and calm down. Besides, yeh’re comin’ on the show soon. Better sort yourselves out before then.” He really just needed Harry to stick around. Nick could tell by the look on his face that he was seriously debating whether or not to leave now, before Val had the chance of waking up and seeing that he was here. He had to do what he could to stop that. The two ex-lovebirds needed to talk. (And while Nick was shaky on whether or not that was a fitting title for the two, he was sticking to it until he was proved right. Which he would be, one day, he just knew it.)

Harry sighed and gave a single shoulder shrug. “Suppose,” he agreed. He took the offered cuppa from Grimmy. “Reckon she’ll be up soon.”

“She’s already up,” Val called, voice groggy with sleep. “You two chatty biddies talk too fuckin’ loud.” 

She sat up on the couch, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Her stomach churned a bit at the sight of Harry standing in Nick’s kitchen, looking all soft and cuddly and so much like how he used to look when they were sat in their homes for a night in, lounging on the couch and watching entirely too much Netflix. She wanted to cry at the memories that came flooding back, but she willed the tears away and instead focused on the nausea that was currently consuming her. She wasn’t sure if it was another bout of morning sickness from the pregnancy, or if it was the sight of her ex, but it definitely didn’t listen like the tears did. She bolted from the couch to the closest restroom, not even having the time to close the door behind her. She barely made it to the floor in front of the bowl before she started spewing. She hardly had anything in her stomach, too, and it still insisted on coming back out. 

Val heard footsteps pattering after her, rushing into the restroom behind her. She prayed it was Grimmy as she wiped at her mouth with some toilet paper, but she knew by the sensation that flowed through her when a kind hand rubbed at her back that it was Harry. She’d always felt like that when he’d touched her. Since the first time they’d shook hands all those years ago, his touch had evoked this calming, warm, tingly sensation that she couldn’t explain. She thought it was just simply Harry, but he’d told her one time that he’d felt it with her too, and she realised it was a them thing. It was a hard pill to swallow now as she was kneeled over the toilet, spewing back up her tea and snack from earlier, wishing that Harry wasn’t the one comforting her. 

“Jesus, Val. Yeh alright?” he asked, that familiar tone of concern bathing his words. He continued his soothing rubs as he looked up to Grimmy, who stood in the doorway, looking sympathetic. “Thought yeh said she was okay? This doesn’t look like she’d bloody okay.”

“I’m fine, Harry,” Val assured, spitting into the toilet to rid her mouth of the last bits of vomit. She needed to brush her teeth. Again. “I’m used to it, now.” She realised too late that she probably shouldn’t have said it, but it was too late, now. The words couldn’t be taken back. 

Fuck it, she thought. He’d have to know, eventually, right?

“Used to it? Are yeh sick? Why didn’t yeh tell me? Nick?” Harry was beginning to look and sound less concerned and more upset. He wasn’t used to being out of the loop when it came to Valentina, and he wasn’t taking this new role very well. She’d been his main priority for years, and now she wasn’t, and it wasn’t something he’d acclimated to very well. Break ups sucked. 

“Val?” Nick asked, not wanting to decide her course of action for her. He figured this was the best time to fill Harry in, since he was here and curious, but he didn’t want to assume anything. This was entirely up to her.

Val looked to her friend and they had a silent conversation with just facial expressions before Val nodded with a sigh. Nick flashed her a reassuring smile, before backing out of the doorway. He closed the door behind them, giving them all the privacy they could get at the moment, figuring that was the least he could do, aside from offer tea and biscuits when they were done. Jesus, he sounded like his mother. 

“What’s goin’ on?” Harry asked, once he’d determined that Nick had walked far enough away. “Are yeh sick?”

Val chuckled without humour. “I wish.”

Harry was severely confused. “Valentina.” His tone was urgent, and he knew the use of her full name would get her to get to the point. He knew she had some sort of soft spot for it when it came to him, and he was willing to exploit that in this situation. 

She groaned and shook his hand off of her so she could sit back against the edge of the tub. She was able to look at Harry this way, who looked an appropriate mixture of confused, agitated and worried. She supposed you couldn’t just instantly stop caring for a person after years of a relationship, and even more of friendship. 

Val took a deep breath before saying with as much confidence as she could muster, “I’m pregnant.”