#if i forgot anyone i am so sorry it's like 2am

[fallingforyouforeverr]

Hey do you think you could do a dating Arthur hill headcannon it’s all good if not hahah x

𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐀𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐮𝐫 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥

summary: read request above

authors note: omg anon, i am so sorry that it took me this long, i completely forgot that it was in my drafts oops. i don't really love this as much as the other ones bc it feels quite rushed but i just wanted to finally publish something yk so hopefully you still enjoy!

please consider checking out my masterlist

-> you're each other's biggest supporters. you help him with music and videos, and are backstage at every show screaming along to the lyrics. if you were also a musician, he would do the same for you, and he would somehow find a way to mention how talented you are in basically every conversation it's actually slightly annoying

-> he would always make sure to be equally as supportive of you though, and would celebrate each of your achievements, however minor it seems

-> arthur values your opinion more than anything else, so you are always the first to hear new video ideas or the lyrics of a song he has been working on

-> he's probably written several love songs about you that he plans never to release. he might show you a few, but most of them are private – just someplace to channel all the love he has for you

-> lisa (his mum) loves you. even before you met her, she felt like she knew you because of how much arthur talked about you.

-> his friends definitely tease you two a lot but they genuinely think your relationship is really sweet and they are all just happy that he found someone who was so clearly made for him

-> arthur would never dare admit it to anyone but you, but he is absolutely a simp for you. he would literally do anything you asked of him with no hesitation, even at his own expense

-> 100% a quality time person

-> you feature in his videos a lot. like all the time. he just wants to be around you as much as possible!

-> dates happen practically everyday, often without any sort of plan and you usually just wander the city together until you find somewhere interesting

-> one of arthur's favourite things to do with you is going to small indie concerts of bands you have never heard of before, more so for the vibes than the actual music

-> your camera roll is full of pictures and videos of him drunk, as you usually have to pick him up after he's been drinking. arthur becomes very clingy when drunk so you receiving a call from george at 2am asking you to pick them up while arthur whines in the background asking where you are has become a frequent occurrence

-> he can also be very clingy even when sober, and this is only amplified whenever he is tired, jealous, or just missing you

-> despite you assuring him of your love several times, jealousy isn't unusual for him as he often feels insecure – especially next to his more popular housemates, which can cause him to doubt your relationship. these feelings never last long tho and his bad mood is normally fixed just through a quick reminder of your love

-> when arthur is a clingy mood he will often just scoop you up without warning and carry you to the nearest comfortable surface to cuddle. he will then proceed to literally lay on top of you so you have no way of running away to whatever you were doing before, not that you mind of course

-> there's never a dull moment when you are with arthur. all of your time together is spent laughing until your cheeks hurt and you can't breathe or just basking in eachothers presence

[boydepartment]

enhypen as middle school songs + an AU

a/n: i’m so sorry for disappearing :( pls take this guys i’m sorry. i’ll do a text au right after this i am SOOOOO sorry. ive been dying after my enha concert

warnings- none ❤️

wc- idk like 200

MASTERLIST

jungwon- girlfriend by avril lavigne

listen… it just fits his vibe idk what to say!

jungwon…. whoever you’re dating, he does not like them because he wants to be with you. he acts overtop and just tries to tell you “just date me.” of course you don’t think he’s serious. but he’s REALLY serious. probably best friends to lovers

heeseung- hot mess by cobra starship

need to see this man dancing to this song- anyways

heeseung has a HUGE stage presence of just like being insane right. so it leads you to believe he’s just a hot mess in relationships. that’s not true, the more you get to know him he’s just a dork with a facade. nuisance to lovers 😋

jay- vampire money by my chemical romance

good lord can you imagine him performing this song WOAAAHAAHHHHHHAHAHA

band AU. battle of the bands. you vs. jay. he performs vampire money and instead of being mad at him for the good performance you’re enthralled. especially when you’re about to go up after his performance and he smirks at you. enemies to lovers

jake- dear maria, count me in by all time low

he’s just so all time low idk what to tell you

you met him during one of the tours. it was totally by accident (he spilled his slushie on you at 2am.) immediately he was in love with you. love at first sight. tongue tied. you know how it is. but even after talking to you, he forgot to ask for your name, number, anything. so now every show he’s just looking for you in the crowd. soulmate au - strangers to lovers

sunghoon- angel with a shotgun by the cab

MY GOODNESS DID I PULL THIS FROM THE VAULT.

omg i’m imagining like a streetracer AU or something. like you’re his ride or die but you have absolutely no clue how he makes his money. you’re just happy to be around him and sunghoon would do ANYTHING to protect you. sun + moon au (grumpy x sunshine)

sunoo- cliche by mxmtoon

ITS JUST A CUTE SONG

i can imagine sunoo crushing on you and not knowing how to talk to you at all. for the first time he doesn’t know how to charm his way around things. it’s very cute and cliche. PROBABLY A CAFE AU! dumb and dumber trope

riki- love me dead by ludo

“you’re awful i love you.” he is driving me NUTS rn. so i had to pick this song. like….. i can’t even describe shit rn. this is just his song and i’m going insane that’s all you guys need to know 😇

i can imagine both you and riki bickering on and off but no matter what you don’t want anyone else to bother the other. like for example if someone makes fun of you or him, it’s game over for that person. oblivious x more oblivious

[arsoooooonmun]

The Last Time.

An Abby Anderson "The Last Time" by Taylor Swift inspired one-shot AU

Reader is in her mid 20's, but this doesn't have any mature scenes.

Avoided the use of Y/N.

Abby might be OOC in some dialouges.

There are no specific features of the reader because this is just pure angst. :))

hehe grammar might not be oh-so-good bear with me plz 😘🤞

enjoy . (i cried while writing this)

AUTHORS NOTE: Hi! I know I just ghosted the very first work of mine (SHOT), but I had a huge reason for it: I am busy. (I actually got lazy and was mentally unready for the amount of notes that the social media au I posted got. I also was burned out from those types of au, so.... have this. A one-shot.)

Abby didn't notice it at first. She thought it was all normal. Burn-outs are normal in a relationship, aren't they?

Sure, the relationship was rocky at first because Abby told you in the first place that she wasn't ready for commitment, but she told you, "I'll do my best for you."

Now, you just feel like gaslighting your way out of this place because you are so suffocated in the room that was once a home for you, but now, you wish nothing but to leave.

She never told you that within that phrase, you had to sacrifice yourself too.

Three years had passed ever since you two were official. The first two years were fun, laughing while looking at the sunset — staring at her freckles when she smiled so hard while talking about your memories together.

And now they're all going just to be memories.

It's a Friday night, and Abby was supposed to be free. Abby was a neurosurgeon, and yes, the work is hard, but aren't you working hard too while also making the time for her?

And god forbid, but you hoped she didn't forget that it's your fourth year together. You wished that she didn't forget your anniversary again.

You called her and texted her again and again, but nothing. Three hours and it's now 2am, your anniversary has now passed.

Your tears were flowing and clenched hard on your shirt. It was a simple request, you decorated the whole place, and you asked her to come home early since she is off at work at 9 pm.

You weren't that hard to please, a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates — heck even a simple letter will make you understand her.

Still nothing.

And now Abby just opened the door.

Looking at her walk, she was drunk.

She forgot it again.

Abby didn't even notice you sitting on the couch.

"Oh, I don't know you are still awake." Abby told you once she noticed you. Your hurt crushed with the thought that she didn't even tell you why she was late and drunk.

"Abby, do you even know what time it is?" With all your remaining patience and love, you hid your disappointment and tried to understand.

"Sorry, me and my workmates decided to drink. It's just a fun refreshment." Abby looked around and noticed the balloons scattered on the floor.

"Why are there balloons? Did anyone even think of cleaning up? Were your friends here?"

Your eyes widen and tears started streaming down your face again.

"It's our fucking anniversary, Anderson." Your words were filled with anger. It was heart-wrenching, you wanted to puke right then and there, is Abby even your girlfriend anymore?

Does she even love you anymore?

It seems like cold water has washed over Abby, and she looked at you with wide eyes.

"Oh my god, I am sorry, darling —" You cut her off before she had the chance to continue her apology with the same reasons again.

You sighed loud enough and looked down. "I am done, Abby."

"I am done with us. Let's break up."

Abby's face froze all over, you couldn't see it and you shouldn't because you know deep inside you'll take your words back but then, you'll hurt yourself all over again.

And you were honestly tired.

"I can't bear the thought that you can just say sorry and then hurt me all over again. God fucking dammit Abby, this isn't even the first time you forgot an occasion about us. You fucking forgot my birthday last year and this year. And you know what? I forgave you because you were working that day. But do you also know that all of your birthdays were as special as mine for me? I took a day off to celebrate your birthday on that place you wished so badly to visit, and you remember what you did? You fucking yelled at me telling me you can't just take a day out of your work and even scolded me for using MY money. MY hard work earned money to make YOU happy." You cried your heart out, and the tone of your voice was filled with pure anger.

"You told me you never asked for that much, then what do you think what love is?" Your voice cracked and you clenched your fists.

"Do you even know how painful it was that you can never love me the same way as I love you, but have you even thought of doing something for me?" Abby's hands were now shaking, thinking what to do.

She never saw you this way. Abby never wished to see you and hurt you this way.

But she did, and she knew nothing could ever fix this, and that slapped her into the reality that she never deserved the love that you gave her.

The warm hugs that washed all her problems away, and your smiles that made her think of what life was all about.

Abby will lose it — she lost it the moment she entered the room without thinking of how important you were to her.

An apology will never fix this.

All that can fix this is letting you decide what will happen between you two. Abby knew she'll be left alone in this cold apartment you both called home before.

Frustration and guilt filled Abby's body. She lost you, and she didn't know what to do with herself. She didn't know which move to take while you were in front of her, you were not even looking at her way and waiting for her response.

Does Abby even deserve to tear up? Knowing she was the reason why the both of you are in this situation right now. Why did she lose the person that she needed the most?

How can she ever live with this memory of you crying because of her? And losing herself and you in the process?

"I—" You couldn't look at Abby, who finally spoke. Abby immediately clenched her hands on her chest, and tears were pouring all over her freckles and cheeks that you once kissed.

"Is that.. is that what you want?" You swallowed, and it finally kicked in that this was real. Abby is in front of you and was asking if breaking up was what you wanted. "Is that what you need?" Your heart crushed even more, thinking that Abby was probably loathing herself from the thought that you needed to go away from her to heal.

But it is — it is what you need.

"Yes." One word, one word that once made you and Abby smile. That one word that made you both official is also the reason why the formed sweet memories turned them into dust.

Abby felt her whole world collapsing. You don't need her anymore. She can't watch you while having fun, running towards the sun while on the beach, singing songs wholeheartedly on a random roadtrip, and she could never kiss those lips of yours that made her feel special.

She can't ask for your hand, can't hold you close, and can never make you love her all over again.

Nothing can reach the pain that is creeping inside both of your hearts.

"Okay." That was all Abby could say despite all of the words that were running on her mind.

"If that's what you want — what you need. Then, I'll give it." You felt so weak, so vulnerable, and Abby knew you hated that.

"I know my apologies wouldn't ever fix the pain I gave you. Your courage of telling me that was enough to make me think of how long you were enduring this." Abby sighed deep and was stopping herself from kneeling, begging you to come back because she knew you won't be able to hold back from holding her no matter how painful it was for you.

She never had the chance to take back whatever she had done, never able to make you feel the way you made her feel, and that is what will ghost her for the rest of her life reminiscing you.

"I love you. I really do, and I am sorry I wasn't able to show it because of how stubborn I was thinking you would understand with all of my work, and you did. And I fucking wish you didn't."

"You sacrificed a lot of things for me, and I — I can't even remember to celebrate your birthday and our anniversary." You finally looked at Abby, and she was crying. She was shaking her head, and you saw her trying her best to let out all of her frustrations.

"You deserve better. It sucks because it's true, and I wasn't able to be the best for you because all I thought was me. I was selfish. You weren't, and god, I hope someone will love you — " Abby was hating herself with the thought of someone loving you better than she ever did. All she hoped before was to be someone you can rely yourself to and now she is hoping you will never meet someone like her again.

"I hope that someday, someone will love you how you deserved to be love because that was what you did to me, and it hurts that I never made you feel that way." You sat down the couch, processing all of her words, and you cried. You both cried hard — knowing that she was right.

"I am so glad that I met you and to show how much I love you,"

Abby looked into your eyes.

"You can let go of us now."

[thetriplets3]

may i please request "it's okay, you can tell me" with Matthew? tysm my friend ♡

our little secret

When we first started dating 3 years ago you always told me I can call you or come over, no matter what, you’d be there for me. You always made sure I never forgot this. So here I am at 2am knocking on your door feeling so guilty for disturbing you so late at night, but there you are opening the door for me anyways. You greet me with a sleepy yet excited smile. “Did I wake you? Of course I did, you've been so busy I’ll come back tomorrow I just need to tell you something” I anxiously ramble. “No no I haven’t gone to bed yet don’t worry, come in”.

We quietly head to your room not wanting to wake anyone else up. Your room has always been a safe space for me, despite there being no decorations, it’s just comforting but then again maybe it’s just you. You have your lights off, the only thing illuminating the room is the lamp on your desk and the computer light, adding to the comfort. I make myself comfortable in your bed as you quickly finish up whatever you were doing before I interrupted your night. As the silence fills the room I’m sucked back into my own thoughts as I pick at the damaged skin on my fingers. You turn your computer off and make your way under the covers next to me. With a big smile and all your attention on me I lean back against your headboard, resting my hands on my stomach, I meet your gaze.

“What did you want to talk about?” You quietly ask, keeping with the calm energy of your room. “Huh oh uh right” with the way you look at me like nothing else is important almost made me forget why I came here. You glance at my picked apart fingers showing evidence of how bad my anxiety has been. “Is everything okay rose?” Your voice filled with concern. My heart flutters. You always got me roses whenever you could because you know they’re my favorite. On our first date you showed up at my door with a bouquet of lavender coloured roses. That was your way of telling me it was love at first sight. Every time I see them I’m reminded of you.“Y-yeah, uh no, I’m not sure” I say breaking eye contact with you and begin picking at my fingers. You instantly reach for my cold hands and cover them with your warm ones, stopping me from doing anymore damage.

“It’s okay, you can tell me”. I can feel the love dripping from your voice. “Matt-” there’s a slight crack in my voice. I wiggle my hands free from yours and reach into my pocket, hesitating for a second deciding if I should just leave. Shakily I pull the object out and place it in your hands. “You’re- you’re pregnant?!” You exclaim. “I’m sorry I’ll go” I whimper. Before I can move you cup my jaw, your eyes bluer than ever as they fill with tears, like a never ending ocean. “Honey why would you be scared to tell me that I’m beyond happy about this. I’m gonna be a dad. Oh my goodness I can’t wait to tell Nick and Chris! There’s gonna be a little us” I lean into your warm palm, all the worry in my body leaves.

I tackle you engulfing you in a big hug. “Oh thank god. Can we just keep this our little secret for a bit?” “Of course we can. Whenever you’re ready we’ll tell people”. I take the picture from your hands, “did you look closely? There’s two of them”. “You’re kidding there’s gonna be a little me and you? Oh my god I love you honey”. You’re my safe place and I can’t wait to bring these babies into this world with you by my side.

[bumblebeerror]

data entry seems like it has to do with computers and i am pretty much akin to a boomer when it comes to that stuff. it's embarrassing, but even excel is enough to leave me stumped. so yeah idk about working with computers a lot.

i can walk around for hours no problem, but i cannot stand still in one position for longer than a minute or two. my legs will literally give out on me and start shaking like rubber. so i can walk and sit, but not stand.

working a shift? you mean like a security guard shift? i don't think i'm physically strong enough to be a security guard, unfortunately. i would not be able to fend off intruders and trespassers.

idk about me being employable because you have to pass a job interview in order to get employed in the first place. i'm telling you now, i would not be able to pass a job interview. i don't have the people skills or conversational skills. i see stories online of people who are much more put together than me failing their job interviews, so if they couldn't make it, i doubt i will.

i can't work physical labour because i'm too weak. i can't work with computers because i don't understand that. i am very good at languages and would work as an english instructor because i know that very well, but because of my terrible social skills i would almost definitely be a bad instructor. so idk.

i really want to learn how to take care of myself, but it's so painfully difficult for me. i'm so bad at it. yesterday, my horrible fear of bugs halted me from making progress. i wanted to cook myself something in the kitchen at 2AM when everybody was asleep, but there was a giant spider on the wall above the microwave, and i was terrified that it would jump on me and start crawling all over me. and a few days ago, there was a centipede crawling on my bed and i literally ran and locked myself in the bathroom for an entire hour because i was so disturbed. i barely managed to trap it with a bowl and i was shaking the entire time. i can't even handle a tiny bug, how am i gonna take care of myself or handle other humans?

and it's fine, it wasn't that long of a wait anyway, take your time with responding. i'm sorry about your car btw :( i hope everything turns out okay for you.

Eh, everything can be learned. Trawl a few Reddit posts about excel and practice a little bit, you’ll be alright. And nah I just mean like any work shift. Most of them that don’t want you to sit down also don’t want you to stand still either, so you’re probably good there.

Hell, you might like something like what I do now, I’m an after-hours janitor for an office. There’s rarely anyone else in the office while I’m there.

Interviews, eh. They suck, and you get denied a bunch, it unfortunately comes with the territory. Necessary evil sort of thing, doesn’t mean you can’t be hired somewhere else. There’s loads of tips for what questions to ask to improve your chances tho.

Everyone’s got phobias, man. I haven’t met a single person who isn’t irrationally terrified of something. Mine’s mostly spiders. I know they’re more scared of me, and I know they’re just doing their job in the ecosystem - doesn’t matter. The idea of them near me makes my skin absolutely crawl. Typically I’m okay so long as I can’t actually see them at least for a little while, but eventually even just cleaning away their webs becomes A Lot. Typically people will understand if you’re nice about it.

Idk if you live in the US, but if you do, you could look into state healthcare - I forgot to mention it before but a lot of them now do over the phone therapy and I think my highest copay is 20$ for dental, the rest are like 1-3$ and most places don’t bother collecting it.

Gotta stop putting limits on stuff you haven’t tried doing a few times man, you’re 20 - barring like, severe disability, you’re at the age where you can turn around a lot of shit you don’t like about yourself if you commit to it.

It ain’t easy or anything - none of this shit is fair, man, I’ll tell you that for nothin. But unfortunately, nobody else is gonna magically fix it for ya either. Comes down to like, you deciding you’d like to enjoy some things even if it’ll be work to get there. I really hope you do find a way.

Unfortunately the car’s too expensive to fix, and insurance won’t pay for it. Double unfortunately, I also can’t afford a new loan payment because I’m only getting about 240$ a month, so my mom and I will have to find one cheap enough that she can cover the loan on it, because my car is backup for when my brothers or my mom’s car breaks down. I just got home from cleaning out all my stuff from it so we could hand it over to the salvage yard. Tbh, I’m mostly sad that I have been slowly outfitting it so that I could camp in it, and the last two summers money’s been so thin I only ever got to take it camping once. Hopefully we’re lucky and find something halfway decent. In the meantime, I’m looking into remote jobs, since it’s getting really clear that I can’t keep doing my physical one.

[taihua]

20 questions for fic writers

Tagged by @gekidasa whose answers were excellent to read at 2am when I couldn't sleep <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 91

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 437,726

3. What fandoms do you write for? TGCF obviously is the main one, and Tolkien fic is something I regularly write because it feels like going home. I dipped my toes into Genshin fic this year and I've been known to randomly drop one-off fics for other fandoms when the brainworms hit!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

After Hours. The magnum opus. Deserves its place at the top.

I Want to Ki** You. I never expected this fic to get so popular so it amuses me that it's still near the top.

Further Precautions. Dumb humor win!

Carved in bone, heart engraved. The trope inversion amnesia fic!

Bet On It. So near and dear to my heart that I have spent the last two years trying to scrub off the serial numbers for publication and if that ever happens, it'll be amusing to see who recognizes it.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I used to, but then a depression era hit and now I have Inbox (666) and it fills me with dread to look at the number. I do read each and every comment and 9 times out of 10 I start tearing up even if it's something short like "loved this, thanks!"

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I'm too sappy to do actual unhappy endings, but Still Have Time sort of implies a cycle of toxic breakups that can't be fixed.

... I also forgot that I have that one Celebrimbor/Annatar pre-torture fic, which is objectively much worse than breakups now that I think about it. Does it count when Tolkien is the one who wrote the death-by-torture ending for Tyelpë, though?

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? All of them!!!!! But I'll nominate Money Maker, because it's the only fic I think I have ever written, for any fandom, that involves the couple getting married at the end. I bullied them so hard in this AU that I decided they earned it.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Never in the comments themselves, but I saw people being dicks about my writing on Twitter every now and then, which is the unfortunate downside of having a well-known fic in fandom. Not everyone has to like my fics, but like... I can see what you're saying on the public forum in the community that I myself am active in, guys.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? *gestures at my AO3 profile*

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? The most I've done is throw in a cameo from other MXTX fandoms, and I guess that one self-indulgent Sk8/tgcf fic that lives in my drafts and will never see the light of day. I just don't find "they meet!" to be enough of a plot to be worth reading or writing. The thought of writing all that introducing sounds like hell, sorry.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Yup, there was that time the person almost word-for-word replicated Still Have Time. They claimed it was an accident and apologized before taking it down when I commented, but that wasn't fun. I felt like a jerk for commenting even though it was blatant theft; they even left kudos on my fic :/

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes, I have a handful of my fics translated into Russian thanks to some Twitter pals!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Sadly no. I always thought this would be fun, though, so if anyone wants to try it sometime... just sayin'........ my inbox open....

14. What's your all-time favorite ship? 300,000+ of my AO3 wordcount is for Fengqing and they're always going to be one of the most specialest ships ever for me for many reasons, but I also feel like I have to give a shoutout to Maedhros/Fingon in Tolkien fandom for being my longest-running ship? I got into them in high school and they're the ship that I feel I can just sit down and write something for them whenever I want.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? There was that Fengqing police AU I started and I thought it would be good, but it ended up not really feeling like them and that was part of what pushed me to focus on original writing instead of fanfic this year. Funnily enough, I Frankensteined some of the concepts from that AU into Constellate, which is to date my only unfinished WIP on AO3. I never really had a plan for what I was doing with that fic and I thought I could just power through it, which failed miserably.

16. What are your writing strengths? Humor, probably! It's hard to be funny in writing, but I do try.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I have about a year's worth of fic that needs to be line edited and reposted because I was cueing--sentences like "He felt that he was afraid" rather than "His heart pounded in his chest" etc. A writing teacher pointed it out to me this summer and I've been consciously trying to fix it, but I know a lot of my fics are worse because of this.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I never see this done well in fic. Personally, if I'm writing Chinese characters in China in an English language fic, it's implied that they're speaking Chinese, so there's no need to stick "Hao jiu bu jian" in quotation marks, yknow? It only makes sense to change languages if it's implied that this section of language is different from the rest of the narrative, and even then it can be distracting in a bad way to have it written out rather than saying "'Hello,' he greeted in French."

19. First fandom you wrote for? Lord of the Rings probably. I'm not going to look at my FFN profile to check.

20. Favorite fic you've written? I have lots of favorites for lots of reasons, but I'll give a shoutout to No smoke without fire this time because it's my only OC-centric fic and I'm happy that people like it anyway even though OCs aren't really a thing in danmei fandom.

Tagging: I will take the lazy route and say steal it and tag me. I like reading answers to these

[awalkthroughiris]

U2’s The Joshua Tree

hi people! i have no idea what i'm doing but i wanted to post this before i forgot to hehe, i wrote this a little bit ago, but i wanted to share, i fully don't expect anyone to read this but if you do, let me know what you think! i'm so sorry if the formatting is weird, i've never used tumblr LOL.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Listening to U2’s The Joshua Tree for the first time,

randomly 1-2am on a Friday night.

I’m actively finishing the first track, Where the Streets Have No Name, as I’m writing this. I’m not sure why I’m here, or why I’m awake even, but here I am listening to my first U2 album. I’ve of course heard of U2 before, my parents have played their music throughout my childhood, but the only song I could name is With or Without You, and I honestly don’t even know 90% of that song. Recently, I’ve been listening to the band Inhaler, who’s frontman is Bono’s son, Elijah Hewson, and my parents heard me listening and nonstop talking about them, which in turn has become them telling me to listen to a U2 album. I don’t know why I’m deciding to listen now, but I feel like maybe I’ll have some cinematic existential revelation by listening to this album, but that’s the romantic in me talking.

Okay, about to start track 2 now, but I love track 1, it made me want to drive, somewhere where there’s an arch of trees with arms of sunlight reaching my face. Now that I’m thinking about it, that makes complete sense in terms of the lyrics lol. I guess the same message was conveyed musically as well.

The production of the second track, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is very pleasing to my ears. This song is distantly familiar to me, I can think of driving to Oregon in the summertime, venturing back roads and this song playing, maybe after Lovers in Japan by Coldplay played. As someone who believes in God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, I can’t help but feel emotional while listening, but this could also be my nostalgic ties.

With this gentle emotional twist in my stomach, and the building of tears in my eyes, With or Without You has begun. My dad said recently how “emotionally evocative” this song is for him, and to be honest I didn’t and probably still don’t understand the way he meant it, but with the placement of this track in the album, I certainly can’t help but feel emotional. It’s giving me a similar feeling to the song A Real Hero in the context of the movie Drive did for me the first time I watched it. The lyrics are so simple yet I find there’s so many ideas and situations I can attach to them. I almost feel as if any interpretation I have would be invalid since I’m just a teenage girl, and a teenage girl who’s never even fallen in love or honestly had any remotely intense romantic feelings.

A switch in pace, Bullet the Blue Sky is playing. It’s easy to feel the angst in the lyrics, with the repetition in the drums and bass, it weirdly feels like slam poetry. This isn’t something I would typically listen to, but I definitely don’t mind it, the guitar break provided a nice amount of time to just, think.

Running to Stand Still’s intro reminded me of a Jeff Buckley cover, Lost Highway. It also makes me think of folk music. The way thoughts in folk music are expressed seemed to be some factor in the way the song is structured, honestly no idea whether that is intentional or not.

Red Hill Mining Town, took a turn I wasn’t expecting at all, I’m kinda grooving out though right now. “You I can’t live without”, since this is a first listen I don’t know the tie, but an allusion to With or Without You?? Oh my goodness, I totally recognize this song as well, the “I’m hanging on” that kicked in around 1:25 is something I recall. It’s weird how my brain hAnGs On to specific parts of these songs. I need to revisit this song after doing some research though because I have no idea what the commentary on this song is for.

There’s so much energy in In God’s Country, it’s refreshing. One of the things I notice with my music taste is that there’s a lack of creative percussion. Which I certainly don’t mind, but listening to music like this helps me understand how, for lack of better words, bland, the other songs can be percussion wise. I don’t have any context to who Bono is really, besides that he’s seemingly been painted as some sort of insufferable humanitarian, but the religion driven metaphors in the lyrics are very interesting.

Trip Through Your Wires might be my least favorite song sonically honestly. I don’t want to be mean, but it just isn’t my favorite. I’m not entirely sure what it’s reminding me of, but it gives me the feeling of an old western setting, which I find, not bland or empty, just not my cup of tea I guess. A complete sidenote though, I am DEFINITELY getting tired as it has hit 2am now.

I’m really liking One Tree Hill so far. One thing I’m really liking about this album, is the places it literally takes my mind to. I think I’m a very visual thinker, these songs evoke blurry pictures that are grounded in nature, images like running through tall grass or driving in some of my favorite places that remind me of my childhood. It feels pretentious to say “my childhood” when I’m 17, but I think it’s easy to understand what I mean. On another more relevant note, this song feels like its painting out an image of what absorbing life feels like: ambedo.

Although it might be the “weirdest” song on the album thus far, I’m enjoying the sonics of Exit. I like how bass heavy it is. Upon further inspection, because I had zero understanding to make of the lyrics, this song was made from the perspective of a serial killer, due to Bono’s reading of a novel. What I found creepily interesting however, was the fact that Robert Bardo used this song as part of his defense for stalking and murdering Rebecca Schaeffer. What I find especially creepy about this, is that I listened to a podcast about this case. An unsettling coincidence.

Continuing on in this unsettling feeling, Mothers of the Disappeared is a heart-wrenching tribute. I don’t think I have much to say about this one, because I have just learned the context to the song’s making and it’s just heartbreaking, I can’t even imagine what families went through. It’s a needed not-so-gentle reminder of what reality can be, and what it is for a lot of people. Its easy to forget that the horrors we hear of are actually real, at least this is the case for me, a girl who has lived in the same city her whole life and generally stays blissfully ignorant. A great finish to the album.

[userpoe]

Do you have any Poe fanfic recommendations? 🌞

*clears throat in “i definitely haven’t spent the last three months reading nothing but Poe fanfic”* I sure do, Nonnie (can I call you Sunny? Sunshine? I’m digging the emoji)! I’ve got quite the mixture of fics in my bookmarks, and I’m gonna put some of them under the cut here! You can find all my recs (and my own fics!) over at my ao3 or for reader fics, on my blog @luminouspoes

world's stopped spinning by liquidsky: mostly damerey, but has a lot of good jedistormpilot content/build up in it as well

sleep for today by braigwen_s: I will never shut up about Braigwen’s Poe and Leia fics this is a simple fact of life and there will be more of their fics on this list I promise you that. 

Always comes around again by Elenothar: this fic was not an easy read but in the best possible way. It broke my heart and then repaired it a dozen times over. TLJ AU, timeloop, excellent Poe and Leia content, I still haven’t recovered.

Stand up, Stand your ground by Elenothar: I’m in love with this fic, but be mindful of the warnings! Poe decides to start up self-defense classes for the Resistance.

The Art of Falling by @brandyllyn: the first reader fic of the list. the slowburn..fellas...the slowburn ended me. The BANTER. THE SLOWBURN. THE ANNOYANCES TO LOVERS OF IT ALL *screams into my pillow* literally just any of their Poe fic is just *chef’s kiss* 

Squad Goals by igrockspock: cAN WE SAY!!! RESISTANCE! FOUND! FAMILY! FEELS! Set post TLJ, is utterly gorgeous, has some really soft Poe x Kaydel in it 

dancing around the point of it by braigwen_s: I have yet to recover from this one and I doubt I ever will

matchmaker.exe by nighimpossible: another damerey fic! I just read this one this afternoon and I’m here for BB-8 being a tiny little matchmaker.

 Take a Gamble by ChronicCatalina: another reader fic! This one is a lot of fun, there’s sarcasm, undercover shenanigans, PLENTY of fun tropes to play around with, also BANTER (hi are we detecting a pattern in what I go for in fics yet)

Close To Me by kimmyiewrites (arosetosomeone): poe x oc! I’m only *squints* nine? ten? chapters into this fic so far and I started it a couple of days ago but it’s SO GOOD and ties into canon in a lot of fun ways anD FEATURES MY SON KAZ SO YOU KNOW THAT MAKES ME HAPPY

all the blood that i would bleed by immolationfox: CAN WE SAY JEDISTORMPILOT YES WE CAN. HURT/COMFORT! CUDDLEPUDDLES! 

Meteor Showers by @bee-dameron: another reader fic, and it’s just. so damn good. you want soft poe? uh huh we got that. you want black squadron found family feels? GOT THAT TOO? a hella relatable reader character? THAT TOO. 

friends? by @yoditorian: reader fic and honestly Liz had no right to go this hard or this soft and now any potential canon explanation to how Poe got BB-8 will ever compare to this fic I’m sorry Lucasfilm u can just pack it up and go now, thank you.

nobody compares to you by @commandersousa: SPEAKING OF HAVING NO RIGHT TO GO THIS SOFT, oh my god this fic is my bread and butter I cry at how soft it is we are NOT worthy. (reader fic)

Across The Hall by @starryeyedstories: boy if I thought canon!poe was the perfect man??? Nothing has made me yearn for a character quite like Across The Hall has. I Would Like A Poe Dameron in my life, thank you very much (reader fic)

in my head by @grumpyeagle: soulmate au that’s killing me slowly with the pining I love it sm! especially with the whole music thing going on, y’know how I am with music (reader fic)

like real people do by @okay-hotshot: celeste’s prose is SO beautiful and the buildup and history in this fic is so good, and the cherry on top is the hozier vibes/title. we love to see it (reader fic)

tell it to the stars by @writefightandflightclub: this fic is so good and so soft and sweet and hits so many of my favorite tropes I love it a lot and it’s a really relaxing read (reader fic)

[ribbononline]

Also quick mini doodle fanart for this fic by @anonalpaca ! Been wanting to draw smth for one of their fics for a bit cus they write the characters so well and this was a good excuse :’D we love some good angst/comfort in this house , check them out!

Bonus;

[mangosimoothie]

The Bachelorette: Episode 21 - Living My Fantasy

Previously on the Bachelorette…

Aja: — Does anyone know where Ryan is?? 

Neither X’irron nor Zeke were sure. The last time anyone had seen him was when he told Zeke that his symptoms were getting worse. 

Aja: Oh my god…did something happen to him?! Where is he?! 

So they were left with the question: Where the heck is Ryan Kato? Thankfully, we have the answer. While Bastien was visiting Aja’s suite, Ryan wound up having a visitor of his own…

He heard commotion outside of his window and woke up to see what was going on.

“Fucking jungle sounds…can’t get any sleep in here. What IS that?” 

Ryan: Atticus?! What are you doing here? Atticus: I need to speak with you. May I come in? Ryan: I guess… Atticus: I need explicit permission. Ryan: Oh my god- Yes, Atticus, you may enter.

 R: Are you going to tell me why you’re here? It’s like 2am and unlike you I’m usually asleep by now. Shouldn’t you be with the vampire mistress you ran off to? A: What are you talking about? Why would there be some vampire mistress? R: Because you gave that big speech about needing to leave us- I mean leave Aja behind because your “heart belongs to someone else” or whatever. A: Ryan, I was very obviously talking about YOU. R: …What??

 It was a pretty stupid “fight” so we’ll spare you all the dialogue. Basically, Atticus could tell Ryan was upset after his date with Aja at the vampire lounge went so well. When Ryan told Atticus he wasn’t upset and just hoped that Atticus wouldn’t mess up his chances with Aja, Atticus took that to heart. Atticus left because, although he felt something special for Ryan, Ryan clearly wanted Aja, and he couldn’t bear to make Ryan upset or see him with someone else.

 A: I thought me leaving would do one of two things. Either it would make you happy because it would better your chances of being with Aja, or you would have a change of heart and come with me. R: Why didn’t you just ask me to come with you?  A: I thought it was very heavily implied.

 R: Well that’s dumb. It was shitty, and it hurt my feelings. I can’t read your mind…and I guess you can’t read mine either. So we’re both dumb. I should’ve told you how I actually felt. Atticus, I’ve been fucking miserable here without you ok? Why’d you bother coming back if you thought I was so happy? [soundtrack] A: Because I missed you infinitely more than I could bear, and I realized it was a mistake not to fight harder. 

 “I deeply regret not being more clear in expressing my feelings for you. I hope to make it clear now: Ryan, I am deeply, hopelessly, torturously in love with you. If you feel the same for me, will you leave this ridiculous reality television show behind and come with me?” 

“God, yes. Get me the fuck out of here.” 

Atticus: We should leave soon. There’s only a few hours until daybreak.  Ryan: Ready when you are. Just…listen. I’m sorry I was so closed off before. And I’m sorry in advance if I’m a little slow to open up. This is all just really new for me. I’ve never been with…you know- Atticus: A vampire. I completely understand. / Ryan: Another guy. 

A: …Let me see if I’m understanding you correctly. You just confessed your love to and had sensational carnal relations with an eternal, inhumanely powerful, bloodthirsty occult creature, but your main concern is that that creature happens to be male? R: Yeah…I guess it sounds dumb when you say it like that. A: It does. But I have been alive for much much much much MUCH longer than you. I suppose after awhile I simply forgot what it’s like to live with insecurity. I hope I can give that to you, too. You’ve spent enough time wallowing in self hatred. You deserve to love yourself, completely. 

R: I really would love  that. Sooo…how long did you say we have until we run out of nighttime? A: We really should leave now. Don’t worry — there will be plenty of time for me to thoroughly ravage you again once we get back to the Forgotten Hollow. R: Good plan. 

[soundtrack]

“Ohhhh that explains a LOT. You know what? Good for him. If anyone deserves to live out my Breaking Dawn Part 2 fantasies it’s Ryan.”

So with Bastien and Ryan gone, we reach the finale with our final two. Who will Aja choose? Will she continue her self exploration and reach enlightenment with Zeke, or will she take a leap of faith and go out of this world with X’irron? Find out NEXT on The Bachelorette!  NEXT | PREVIOUS | BEGINNING 

[salacious-seventh-heaven]

The Brainrot Which Fuels My Insomnia

As per the usual, good-morning/good-afternoon/good-evening,

Please, for the love that is good and holy, as far as the internet goes, if you are a minor, or do not have an age in your bio, DO NOT INTERACT. If you've a problem with my content, block and/or keep scrolling. Don't bring ya nonsense into my comment section.

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First and foremost, if you haven't already, go and follow JennyPham's Twitter, the creator of this amazing character, and if you can support them on Patreon.

Content Warning: This is just a rambling of thoughts about the new game Error143's Micah Yujin and how absolutely amazing he is.

Let's start off easy. Micah, as far as the character's in visual novels, from my experience, is honestly so refreshing. It just feels so lovely to see dark-skinned characters with the ability to be seen as a love interest. The fact that the fan base loves him so much makes me love him even more. I've played quite a few of these, the most recent being Obey Me!, I wasn't a huge fan. Not with how they had set up both of the darker complexion characters. I didn't care for it, but that's for another post.

Micah, while not a new concept in terms of characterization, in terms of portrayal, 's like a cool breeze both in the fandom's reception of him and his characterization in gameplay.

I only started playing a few weeks ago, and I've yet to unlock all the endings, but where I am now, I honestly can say that there need to be more games like this. Simplistic as it feels, I want to see more warmly received dark-skinned characters. I want to see more dynamic characters with all the little nuances in their emotions.

So, to anyone on the fence about the game, go ahead, get it. It's so cute and simple, and with how open it seems in its storytelling, I know that those looking for a new fandom to sink their teeth into, those writing fanfics and OCs, will enjoy this.

Now, onto the actual nonsense that has me up looking at the ceiling at 2am instead of updating any fics that I need to write. 😩😭 ( I am so sorry mid-terms came, and I forgot about it for a moment. I'll be posting a bit of it after this before finishing it up and posting it on ao3)

[savoryscribbles]

Home is Something You Make

This is a Kaeya fic from someone who doesn't like Kaeya all that much.

Parings: Kaeya x gn!reader, platonic!Kaeya x Rosaria

Content/trigger warnings: you aren't the traveler,pretty sappy ngl, I've realized I suck at dialogue so just, ignore it.

Kaeya doesn't use his house. If you've know him for long enough, this is a fact. However, what isn't as obvious, is Kaeya let's other people use his house, use his bed, bathroom, kitchen, etc.

His friends without homes, the traveler, Klee, Rosaria, anyone who needs it, can crash at his place whenever they need to. That's why he keeps it clean. It's why his master bathroom has collected dust but not his guest bedroom.

He is far to busy to use his own house. More often he's found stumbling into his house at 2am, crashing on the couch because he knows both beds are likely taken.

He meant to tell you of this predicament. But could never find the right time to bring it up. He knew you slept in late, you worked at night anyways. He knew if you were to ever sleep over, you would definitely run into someone that wasn't him. And he would have to awkwardly explain how a 6 foot tall vampire lady was upset you were sleeping in his bed. The bed that has the thick memory foam, and the silk sheets, the one both you and Rosaria are upset Kaeya doesn't use more often.

When he did eventually ask you over for dinner, he made sure everyone was out of the house before hand, much to their surprise.

He cooked you a nice dinner, and put up the front he felt he had to. He never meant to get this far with you actually. Rosaria had suggested he mess around with the hookup scene, telling him it would help relive stress. Only he doesn't think he did it right, because now he's in a relationship, one he doesn't want to get out of. One night stands had a key word, one night only this had lasted far more than that.

He was scared about a lot of things. He was waiting for you to find out his secrets and leave him, like anyone he'd tried to date before. But he didn't want you to leave, so he tried his best to hold that day off as long as he could.

When morning came Kaeya found it hard to get up. On any other day the sun would have bothered him enough to get ready, the dread of the days work enough for him to be on time. But you were next to him, and the annoying sun didn't look so annoying when it rested on your face, and how could anyone feel dread when they're with their love? So instead of getting ready, Kaeya opted to rest against you awhile longer.

Then he checked the time, and oh shit I have 15 minutes to get ready and he rushed out the door, forgetting to tell you about his other guests.

Something he also forgot to mention to said guests, was you. It wasn't like Kaeya was trying to keep you a secret. It's just that, a famous wondering traveler, a coldhearted vampire church lady, and a toddler who loves bombs can be very intimidating. And so he pushed introducing you to them out of his mind.

So both party's were unaware of each other's presence, that was until you had a polearm to your throat.

"Who are you? And why are you in the Calvary Captains house?" Rosaria stated in her usual harsh tone.

This had startled you awake. Not knowing who she was either. "I'm (y/n)? I, who are you?" Was the response you gave in the mists of rubbing sleep from your eyes, not even batting one at the weapon still hugging your throat.

"It doesn't matter who I am. You're in this house when you shouldn't be, so you need to leave." Rosaria didn't actually care who you were, all she knew is you were not on Kaeya's guest list.

"Huh? Kaeya invited me here though? We had dinner last night, and it was late by the time we finished, so he let me stay over." You tried to explain, you didn't know why Sister Rosaria was in Kaeya's house, they could be a couple, they could be friends, she for all you knew, could be raiding his house. However the latter seemed unlikely. She seemed to know she was allowed here, hence why she was questioning why you were here.

"Oh, so you're one of his one night stands? Still, there's no reason you should have stayed this long." Rosaria reluctantly withdrew her weapon, knowing you weren't likely to cause harm.

"Not really? I mean, I'm not sure what me an Kaeya are, but it's definitely not that." You laughed nervously, surely she should know about you if you were anything serious to Kaeya right? "We've gone of a couple dates, he's even been to my house, this is the first time he's invited me over to his though." You finished your explanation as you started to realize just how weird this predicament was.

"Hmph, alright then, but just so you know. If I find out you're lying, I'm not as merciful as the other sisters." She responded, walking out the door.

Kaeya had some explaining to do.

***

Kaeya realized halfway through his day that he forgot to warn you about his friends. So he tried to get home as quickly as possible, or at least before you left for work.

Luckily he made it, barely though. He caught you as you were getting dressed, but not before getting stopped by Rosaria.

"Hey just so you know, there's someone in there claiming they've 'gone on a couple dates with you' I left them alone, but if their lying I'll take care of them." She said from her position on the couch.

"Hm? There's no need, they're telling the truth, I actually need to talk to them, so excuse me." Kaeya responded before quickly walking to his bedroom.

"Oh, hello there. Um, there was a lady, I'm pretty sure she was sister Rosaria? But she put her polearm up to my throat, telling me I didn't belong here? I'm not sure what that was about." You laughed lightly when you saw him.

"I know, I'm sorry, so sorry. I meant to tell you, there's more people who stay here actually." He muttered the last bit. "I was just in a rush this morning."

"I have friends who stay over, they don't exactly, have anywhere else to stay? I'm not sure, it's not my business to pry, but I let them stay whenever they need to. So if we're going to do, this," he gestures towards himself then you, "more often, I should probably warn you about that."

"Ooohh, okay, that's fine, actually that's very sweet of you Kaeya. Just a warning would have been nice, on both ends actually. A Polearm to the throat isn't the most peaceful ways to wake up." You point out with a chuckle, and he joined you.

After the laugher died down he took you in his arms and kissed you before muttering "I'm glad you understand."

***

"Getting sappy huh captain?" Rosaria stated as he closed the door behind you.

"Hm, maybe." He thought pensively.

"This isn't what I meant by a hookup." She retorted back.

"Oh I know, I have a knack for messing things up, though I'm sure you know that." He responded, looking into her eyes.

"They seem... nice, to nice almost. They didn't even bat an eye when I put my spear to their throat." She pointed out before yawning.

"They're like that, not afraid of weapons when they know the confrontation can be handled with words, even if the other party doesn't want to use them." He explained, how he knew is a story for another time.

"Hm respectable. You seem to like them a lot, otherwise you wouldn't have brought them over." She quipped.

"Yeah, they. Yes, they mean a lot to me." Kaeya said.

And he realized his house wasn't a home until you walked in.

[pinkasrenzo]

andreil are The Aro Couple Manifesto. please share your thoughts

Ok so, there’s a few reasons why I think Andrew and Neil are aro (or at least somewhere on the aro spectrum/don’t fit into the concept of romance) and some of it is also me projecting cause I am aro and that’s what you do when you’re literally starved for rep. I’ll try and break it down in a coherent way.

A disclaimer: I’ve only read aftg once, and even if it was a few months ago I might start getting canon and Lessons mixed up cause I read them back to back. I plan on doing a proper reread-with-notes thing and really get into it so take this as like Draft #1 cause there might be a few inaccuracies/things I forgot or missed)

A second disclaimer: it got less coherent around point 4 cause it is 2am and I’m sleep deprived don’t @ me if there’s typos

Warning: this got insanely long it’s nearly 2k words I’m not sorry

1. The word “love” is never in the text applied to them

Reading aftg it was what I noticed almost immediately. Never in the text the word “love” is applied to their dynamic/relationship, not when it’s talking about their feelings for each other in actual dialogue, not when it’s just Neil’s narrating. In all the ways andreil is described “love” is not one of them (I have another rant about love/enamoured and language uses but let’s not now). I should go back and check but I’m pretty sure not even Nicky asks them if they’re in love. If I’m not remembering incorrectly, the only time love as a feeling is taken into consideration is when Neil is thinking about his mum and how she shaped his view of love, as a concept and as a feeling, be it platonic (as in not romantic, not! concerning sex! and that’s a whole other language issue) or romantic. This said, let’s talk about how their relationship is built, so point 2.

2. The way their relationship works

Andreil is so important to a lot of us because it’s so clearly built on trust and safety and comfort and clear, respected, boundaries. These are all words (in the text) describing Andreil, note how all of these are not inherently romantic/have to do with romance. All relationships should be built on those foundations, no matter what kind of relationship. Andreil in particular starts gradually, they slowly start trusting each other, sharing truths, getting to know each other and sharing time and slowly realising they’re each other’s safe place and comfort (the rest-your-head-on-my-shoulder scene? That’s The One) and we get to see it all, from begrudging trust to open trust to when they first kiss and in all of this we never, never, have Neil (or Andrew, but we’ll get to this) think of them as romantic (and before anyone says “but they kiss”, that’s an action not a feeling, if you can have sex without being in love you can kiss someone without being in love, it’s all in the intention behind it and is totally subjective wether something is romantic or not, nothing is inherently romantic). He just doesn’t go there. He knows there’s something but he doesn’t define it, he doesn’t put a label on it. Kinda like,,, his sexuality? He knows what it is, what he wants, the label is not important (that’s very aro, and literally the basis of relationship anarchy which is the one relationship model/philosophy most of us aros find reflects us and has place for us, and it might be projecting but,,, that’s what they’re doing, they just don’t know they’re doing it. Wether you want it or not it just is, read the manifesto prove me wrong I know I’m right)

3. The way Neil feels for Andrew

I already said this in part in point 2 but once more, Neil never thinks of Andrew in terms of love, he always thinks of him as safe, someone he’s comfortable around, comfortable with, someone he can trust and rely on. He’s a solid presence in Neil’s life, that one stable thing. He never thinks “love” when he thinks “Andrew”

4. The way Andrew feels things

This is something I think about a lot cause Andrew is just so interesting and complex but also incredibly relatable for me (how nice uh) especially in the way he feels and deals with his feelings. He cares deeply, but doesn’t really recognise the feeling. I read a lot of analysis about Andrew and I loved all of them, but I don’t think he forcibly shuts down his feelings (and this seems to be the most common view of his character). I think he honestly doesn’t know what he’s feeling most of the time, be it from the meds messing up with him or be it the constant apathy, he’s never in a “clear” state let’s say (now I don’t know about meds and what effects they can have so I’m just going to focus on his apathy, that I know).

Andrew has a complicated (to say the least) relationship with love in all its forms, all the people that should’ve loved him ended up betraying him and hurting him. He’s been alone, left to fend for himself for so long the only way he knows to share he cares is to bind people to him with promises. Couple that with the intense depression that for him seems to mostly be apathy,,, suppressing feelings and not feeling at all becomes a very thin line, and recognising feelings gets. hard.

I’d think when he realises Neil is real and is not going to leave, he starts paying attention, trying to parse what he’s feeling and why he’s feeling in the first place (the “I hate you” quote comes to mind in this case). And the comfort he feels around Neil hurts because the last time he felt comfortable around someone and wanted to keep them it was Cass and we all know how that ended. Nevertheless he wants Neil and it’s something he can’t explain and doesn’t know what it is. He feels something and besides the rage and constant emptiness, that’s probably the only thing he feels. Deciding wether it’s romantic or not it’s really not a concern, the issue is that he is feeling in the first place. That he’s letting himself feel something and he likes that feeling Neil gives him (and he hates the fact that he likes it and that he’s feeling it). He’s terrified of what he feels, of the fact that he’s trusting Neil with so much of him. Romance doesn’t even factor in the picture, it’s all about trust and only trust.

5. Trust

The keyword in all of this is trust, Neil and Andrew grow closer when they start trusting each other. They share truths, trusting the other to keep them. They trust each other to speak up about their boundaries, to stand their ground even when it’s the two of them. Their entire dynamic is built on their mutual trust and it’s repeatedly highlighted throughout the series. It’s trust that they’ll be honest with each other, that they will stop when told to, that they will say it when they need to stop (and this is so so so important to Andrew but also to Neil, they’re not figuring out how to be close to someone both physically and emotionally, and trusting the other not to hurt them and respect their pace), that they will stand by each other’s side, that they won’t leave each other (for Neil specifically this is monumental, we know that).

And (as an aro) this is so relatable, because “I trust you” is so much more than “I love you” to me. The fact that they’re constantly showing each other they can trust and be trusted and how it all builds around this is just. It really is the aro experience.

6. The way their relationship is private

This might be more of a personal thing than an aro thing, but I do see them keeping their something private as related to the possibility of them being somewhere on the aro spectrum. Of course their aversion to PDA comes from all of what both of them has been through (also they probably consider their relationship another truth, and truths are precious to them and should be kept close), but I do feel it’s also worth noting with the aro glasses on. Whenever someone does anything remotely couple-y (like just holding hands with a friend can be seen as couple-y) everyone automatically assumes they’re dating, and since we live in a heteronormative society they probably also assume they’re fucking (cause ofc being ace is never an option either, and consider Neil not liking people prying about his sexuality,,,).

So consider an aro person, having to be constantly reminded of that just by people looking, constantly having to reiterate “no it’s different/no it’s not like that”, it kinda becomes a habit to just be private about some things cause people misunderstand and it gets tiring after a while. And now consider Andrew I-hate-that-you-make-me-feel Minyard being constantly reminded of that, of the fact that he is in fact feeling. It’s quite the mix of that nice aro branded tiredness and trauma.

7. They never say “I love you”

This is something Nora confirmed in the extra content, and I’m so grateful for it (both as an aro person and as someone that has difficulty expressing emotions) cause it freed Andreil from amatonormativity once and for all.

They don’t need to say “I love you” and they won’t cause like Nora said, it’s a foreign concept (!!) for both of them, the words mean nothing to them cause words are not permanent, words can be lies. The way they show care for each other is the trust (again) they have for each other. Their actions are what define them, it’s through their actions that they show they’re there to stay. Everyday they keep showing each other they’re not leaving. And it’s a choice they make every day, they keep showing each other “I’m choosing you” by staying. If any of them ever said “I love you” it would probably feel empty, cause it wouldn’t mean anything to them, “love” is not the important word, “trust” is.

8. Nora is aroace

This isn’t really proof ofc, but it is important. When I read aftg I had no idea Nora was aroace, I found out later when I read the extra content and I went “oh” and it all made sense. I always end up reading/watching media with my aro glasses on, cause it’s the only way I know how. I can see romance and spot what the canon ship is going to be, cause I know that’s probably what’s gonna happen (amatonormative society and all), but I’ll never truly get romance, it’s not something I feel I just so not go there. So knowing Nora is aroace lets me know that that’s her experience as well. When she wrote Andreil, it was inevitably with an aro mindset. As much as you can imagine what romance feels like, if you’ve never felt it and never will you just,,, won’t ever get it quite right, there will always be something different about it, that very much recognisable aro flavour to it. In the same way that Neil is ace and it shows and it’s in everything he is and does (and in his relationship with Andrew too we’ve talked about this) because Nora is ace, the same goes for Andreil being very aro coded, it’s just there because if your perspective is an aro one you’ll inevitably see romance through your aro glasses, no matter how much you try there’s always gonna be that one thing that’s different and makes people like me go “oh this is familiar”.

8.5. Try thinking about Andreil as not romantic

Try thinking about them being friends. What does it change for them? Does their trust change? Does their comfort with each other change? Do the truths they've shared change?

They're just the same. Nothing changes. Their dynamic is exactly the same, you don't even need to change anything in canon. Just try and see things without the romance glasses on, it's really not that hard it's all there.

[kashimos-hajime]

dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries. 

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker​ and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky​ with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too. 

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

.

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever? 

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas! 

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

.

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

.

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

[serotapes]

hammock

OVERVIEW; y/n and her friends stay the night in sero's room for a movie night.

GENRE; fluff

WORD COUNT; 1,400

A/N; second post! hopefully i can get the time to write more so i can post way more fics because i have so many ideas!

"Y/n will you please come watch movies with us? You can help convince the guys to watch the movies I want to watch!" Mina hops next to your desk.

"I don't know if I want to go though. There is so much studying I have to do." You sigh and look at your best friend.

"Come on Y/n! You are one of the smartest in our grade. I am sure one night of not doing homework will be a bad thing." Kirishima says from behind you. "I got Bakugo to come."

"What? That's supposed to be the person to convince me?" You smirk.

"Shut the hell up extra. Besides, It's only because Kirishima said we will watch the new action movie that was released." Bakugo huffs.

“What other movies are you guys planning on watching?” You ask, grabbing your books from your bag.

“I dunno. Probably just a random movie we find on netflix or something.” Mina shrugs. “I would love to watch a rom-com, but the boys wouldn’t let me.”

“Yeah, no thanks. Those movies suck.” Bakugo says. Mina frowns and leans close to you.

“If you go, that means you’ll sleep in Sero’s room.” Mina winks at you and whispers. “I know you’ll like that.”

You look at your best friend confused. “Wait. What?” Your cheeks feel hot on your face.

“Oh shush. You know I know you better than you know yourself. Just come tonight please? I don’t want to be the only girl again.”

“Fine, I guess I’ll come. Stop by my room before you go to his. We can walk together.” You look at Mina, who is grinning.

“I’ll stop by earlier and help you pick out a cute outfit!” Mina heads over to her seat and the rest of the boys find their way to their desks before Mr. Aizawa comes in.

Sitting on your bed, you wait for Mina to knock on your door. You couldn’t help but think back to what Mina had said before. Why would it matter that it was Sero’s room. You are friends with all the guys and it totally has nothing to do with the fact you blush every time Sero looks at you when talking to your group of friends.

A knock on your door brings you out of your thoughts. “Come in”

Mina walks into your room with a large smile. “Now, where are your pjs?”

You point to the dresser drawer and Mina opens it. “I don’t have cute sleep outfits. Most of them are just sweatshirts and gym shorts.”

“Ooo, Wear this.” She pulls out a yellow sweatshirt and black shorts.

“If it’s just a sleepover, why does my outfit matter anyway?” You ask her as you change into the outfit she had picked out.

“No reason,” she smirks. “I just didn’t want you to show up with something that isn’t cute.”

“Okay?” You chuckle and pull the sweatshirt over your head.

“Great. Now we can head over there. The guys should all be there.” Mina stands up off your bed and the two of you walk down towards Sero’s room.

Mina walks in and the boys all give a quick ‘hey’ as Sero messes with his remote. The two of you sit down on his bed, with your backs against the wall. Bakugo, Kirishima and Kaminari sit on the floor with snacks spread out on the floor.

“Alright. Movie is all set up. You guys ready?” Sero looks around at the group before giving you a smile.

“Yes, let’s start the movie already.” Bakugo says, grabbing his phone from Kaminari.

“You’re welcome for charging it.” Kaminari huffs.

“Whatever,” Bakugo shrugs.

Sero sits down on his bed, on your left side. The movie begins and includes multiple explosions in the first five minutes. Mina falls asleep not long after and takes up most of the room on the bed. Kaminari falls asleep quickly after.

The movie ends with a loud explosion that you were sure would wake the two of them up, but when you looked over at Mina, you only noticed that she had taken up even more the bed.

“Dammit Mina,” You sigh as you look away from your best friend. Sero chuckles next to you.

“She really spreads out when she’s sleeping, huh?” Sero looks over at Mina.

“Right? How is she even comfortable?” You laugh.

“Want to watch another movie?” Sero asks your friends.

“Doesn’t matter to me, i’m probably going to head back into my room in a sec, this floor is not comfortable at all.” Bakugo stretches.

“I could go for another movie. I will probably fall asleep during it though.” Kirishima answers, looking at his phone for the time.

“Y/N, you want to pick?” Sero offers you the remote. You take the remote and begin to scroll through netflix in search of a movie. You look through his list of movies to watch and choose a random one.

“Have you seen this one?” He asks you, seeing your choice.

“No, but it was a movie that looks like you want to watch, so I just turned it on. Besides, i’m really tired.”

“I would offer you the bed, but looks like Mina took claim of the whole thing. Do you want to sleep in the hammock?” He points at it.

“But you shouldn’t sleep on the floor in your own room. I’ll just sleep down with Bakugo and Kirishima.” You argue.

“No, you aren’t going to sleep on the floor.” Sero looks at you.

“I’m not taking the only other furniture so you can sleep on the floor.” You whisper.

“Well… why don’t we share it?” He whispers back.

Your cheeks heat up and you know for sure he can see that in the dark room.

“I mean, it would save us the argument.” He smiles and turns towards the tv.

Halfway through the movie, he stand up and turns to look at you. He holds his hand out to guide you up. As soon as you stand up, Mina spreads out even more on the bed. Fully solidifying the bed was her space.

You giggle at your best friend as Sero gets into the hammock first.

“It is kind of tricky. Just climb onto me first and then get comfortable.” He whispers, not wanting to wake your other friends.

“Okay.” You blush and begin to get in as well. When you do get in, you are pretty much fully laying on top of him. “Sorry.” You say as you begin to move around. He keeps his arm under you as you find a comfortable spot.

“It’s alright.” Once he sees that you are comfortable, he uses his tape to grab a blanket. He puts it on top of the two of you.

“Goodnight Sero.” You whisper and smile over your shoulder.

“Goodnight Y/N.” He whispers back.

“Shhh. Don’t wake them up just yet.” Whispers through the room bring you away from the most peaceful sleep you have had in a while.

“God, you guys are weird.”

“Shush Bakugo. It’s cute.”

“What are you guys doing?” You ask, turning your head around. Once you do, you are met with a phone flash and Mina’s large grin.

“I was going to warn you that I spread out when I sleep, but i guess I forgot.” She smirks.

You start to get up but you are unable to. You look down at what was keeping you down and realize in your sleep you had fully moved onto of Sero and he had wrapped his arms around you.

“Mina.” You whisper. “Do not send this photo to anyone,”

“Too late. It’s already posted to instagram and snapchat.” She giggles and falls down on the bed.

“Well, good morning Y/N.” You hear Sero say from under you.

You turn towards him and smile.

“Morning.”

“Was this comfortable?” He asks you.

“It was surprisingly comfortable.” You laugh softly.

“That’s good.” He offers you a smile.

“So are you going to let me get up now?” You smile back.

“Depends. Want to go on a date with me?” Your face heats up again.

“If I say yes, will you let me get up?”

“Maybe.” He smirks.

“Then yes, I will.” He grins up at you.

“I just want to stay like this for a few moments.”

“That’s okay.” You bury your head into his shoulder and close your eyes with a smile.

A/N - I wrote probably 85% of this like 2am and I’m too lazy to edit. I’m sorry if there are some spelling/grammar mistakes.

[leahseclipse]

Thnks fr th Mmrs - (Event Fic)

++

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Warnings: Not that I am aware of. (Please let me know if something should be added later on.)

Summary: Just two idiots in love, but none of them have the guts to say it. Eventually one of them will do it, a bit late tho- but, better now than never.

A/N: HELLO!! Here I am, roughly one month after my last fic, this work got all of us busy, which lead to a bit of panic on the last days, but (I think) we made it all in one piece.

This work is part of the Fic Swap organized by @imagining-in-the-margins, with the help of @sunlight-moonrise! I’ve had the opportunity to write for @spencer-reid-in-a-pool- which is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, I love her so so so so much. This was awesome to do. (And yeah, for those who got the ref, the title is from one of fob's songs. I had NO other idea and found this one cool.)

Word Count: 8.7k

++

        As much as I wished for it not to haunt me another day— I still had this one problem, written into my brain with bright red ink, unwashable, as it seemed.

I hated to recall that it still remained there, as if it was an unsolved case that someone would have put into archives and brought back up when they were clearing out the shelves.

Unfortunately, it didn’t get lost, I just forgot it was there, and my brain had the wonderful idea of presenting it back to me.

I appreciate it. That was— quite nice.

It wasn’t that I hated it, I just didn’t like the thought of having to deal with it at barely eight in the morning, just before actually dealing with the problem itself— in person.

That problem—couldn’t be someone else but the only one Spencer Reid, the resident genius of the team, or the baby sibling for some of my co-workers.

Once again, I do not dislike him, on the contrary, he’s one the closest person I have in my life to this day, I wouldn’t imagine my life without him.

The problem is mainly directed towards the love, sentimental kind of problem.

Especially when the concerned person isn’t aware of it.

It gets complicated when you can’t even hide your feelings when they’re near.

I get all nervous and weird when he’s in sight, the proofs are right there.

 I remember them all, from the time I broke a mug when I tried to reach it as he was talking or when I almost fell down the stairs when he came in to work one day, looking like a literal god— and wasn’t even aware of it, the list keeps going on for miles.

And I’m still there, sitting with my feelings, waiting for something to happen.

I’m not even sure that he feels the same way. 

I’m here, admiring him, thinking about what could happen if I could resolve myself to talk about it, if he felt the same way, but strangely and for an unknown reason; I can’t.

This issue has been happening all week, the last one, and probably the whole month.

It took me time to figure it out myself.

I only saw us as two good friends at first; we’d hang out together, had the same hobbies, have long conversations without caring about the time, to the point that people would think that we were together.

But I guess that I never realized that he could be more than just a good friend.

And as it couldn’t be more complicated, in these cases, if none out of the two dares to make a move, or talk, it won’t go much further.

Which is exactly what’s been happening at this moment..

I’ve been liking him for a while now, and my brain doesn’t know to do anything else but attack me with as many questions they can come up with at the same time whenever I dare to think about it. 

What if he does like me, but only as a friend? 

Is it going to be awkward between us?

Am I going to lose my friendship with him because of that?

What if he says no? 

What am I left with? My stupid feelings that will keep wandering around, reminding me of my love failure?

If all of these are the things waiting for me till I decide to stop bottling it up, I better have to solve that, soon.

But at the same time, if I take a glance at the negative side, I’m just thinking that it’d be better to keep our friendship as it is, and just pretend as if he’s only a good friend I’m quite close with, not a possible lover.

Since when did I allow myself to see him as that? I wasn’t doing that before.

What caused my feelings to suddenly appear?

He’s always been nice to me, as with everyone else he’s close with, and as far as I’m aware of it, no one’s been in my situation.

If it ever happened, I’m sure that it was purely platonic and didn’t go as far as I’m at.

It’s as bad as a math problem.

Kind of ironic, considering I both suck at figuring out how to say I love someone, deal with feelings, all that love stuff; and at maths.

But, as I think about it further, he didn’t do anything to keep me from crushing on him either, even if he probably didn’t do it because he liked me.

There’s a 50% possibility.

He’d take me in his arms to reassure me, help me with paperwork when I was tired, offer to drive me home, re-filled my mug for me, act close, and by close- not as close as he is with the others.

A different kind of close.

So...who wouldn’t think that way, that he could like me?

He could possibly like me, but about that, I don’t have a single clue to know if he really does.

I do want to try to ask him, in one way or another, but the thing is that , if he doesn’t like me, what is going to happen next? 

Awkward silence? 

Is he going to try to reject me as nicely as possible to not hurt my feelings?

It could be really nice if anything would help me to make all of this mess any clearer.

I don’t want to end up drawing away from him because I can’t help but be in love with him whenever I look at him, but at the same time, I can’t say that I am, in case he’s not in love with me.

Spencer’s one of the most important people in my life; I wouldn’t imagine a day where I wouldn’t talk to him, and even if we’re busy, I try to say hi to him, at least.

I can’t quite imagine not having him ramble about his favorite subject, happy as hell because I’m interested, listening to him, and even participating in it.

I don’t want all of this to stop because of a mistake I could cause.

So, this week will be the one.

I’ll somehow resolve myself to bring up the subject.

I’m sure he’ll understand, he knows me better than anyone else in the whole team, has always been there when I needed someone, he’s always listened when I needed to talk, he helped me out with a lot of issues.

He’s always been understanding, whether the issue would concern him or not, so this shouldn’t be a big problem.

It’ll be fine.

I just have to relax sometimes.

I’m stressing out too much, and I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t stress that much about that, or any subject he might think about.

I even wonder if Spencer already noticed the changes in my behavior and is just waiting for me to talk about it because he doesn’t dare to talk about it as well.

He could feel the same way.

He could.

There’s a chance, a good one, I guess.

It can end well, and I have to keep thinking about the good outcome.

There’s no way he’d react badly, I know him,— Spencer is not the kind of guy to do that, in general.

I trust him on that.

So, today...or later, will be the right one.

It’ll go well.

It’ll be win or lose, basically.

I sighed as I looked at myself for the hundredth time for the past ten minutes, finally resolving myself to leave the apartment before I’d end up being late.

Which isn’t something I’d like to happen.

My ‘love problem’ counts as at least ten problems more than getting yelled at by a superior (if I’m not overreacting, at least) so I don’t really need that to happen, on top of that.

++

I have never been delighted to walk into the office, only to find paperwork from last week waiting for me.

We usually had the whole ‘Garcia runs into the office and throws papers at us before we gather in the conference room and immediately go on a jet at whatever unpleasant hour’ or just purely lazy days where none of us have the strength for any kind of celebration.

But today happened to be a calm one, we just had to do whatever task we had left to do before we can allow ourselves to go back home to either sleep all day to fix our long broken sleep schedule, or do whatever event we might come with, such as dates or trying to find a guy in a party, for some of us.

It’s nice that we don’t have to worry about when we’ll be able to come back to work, we just go in, do our task and go home at whatever hour, a decent one.

I’d say that this happened to be more than convenient -in a way- for Spencer and I.

More time for talking, hanging out together, mostly what we do when not on an active case.

If I’m not mistaken, I think that I may have heard one of them saying that we were dating because of how frequently we’d be found together.

I did want to say we were dating as a joke, but I was afraid that it’d end up being awkward after that if- as said earlier when I woke up-, he didn’t feel the same.

But at the same time, whether he feels the same way or not, I don’t really have a reason to think about that as Spencer wouldn’t react badly.

Knowing him, he’d probably play along.

At my arrival at the bureau; everyone was scattered a bit around; which wasn’t to be seen on a case day, usually.

We just had to hope we wouldn't have a surprise case to ruin it all.

As I greeted everyone before settling at my desk, I noticed one person missing.

Spencer wasn't usually late, so...I didn't really know what might make him late.

Knowing him, he may have woken up late because he had watched tv till 2AM, and ran to the coffee shop to not look dead at his arrival. 

Yep, that’s him.

Let’s hope he won’t break a bone when he’s going to attempt to run to not be late, it’s...yeah.

So, don’t rush Spencer, it’s calm as hell here, you don’t need a trip to the ER so soon in the morning.

“Oh, hey!”

I turned around to be faced with Spencer, papers in hand. “When did you get there? I didn’t see you when I arrived like...five minutes ago. I thought you weren’t here yet.”

“Oh, I was doing copies. I’m sorry if I worried you, I should have sent a text.”

“No- It’s okay, don’t worry. You’re here...now.”

“Yeah, I’m here. Do you have a lot of paperwork? Figured out we could talk in between.” He asked.

“No, I don’t have a lot, and...sure, I could use a talk- I mean uh...talk, yeah.”

That was a shitty save.

“I’m glad, I didn't want to bother you if you were busy.”

“Even if my whole desk was covered in papers, you know I’d always find a minute to talk. I get easily distracted.”

Please don’t take it the ‘love’ way, or just...don’t think I get distracted by you in a ‘not-a-friend’ way— gosh, I’m not gonna be able to save it with whatever sentence.

“You know that’s the same for me. I always have a hundred subjects popping up just when I try to focus.”

“Yeah, same. It’s a bit...annoying.” 

“Depends. It’s not really when you’re in them.” Spencer admitted.

Is this an attempt at killing me right on the spot? You’re really going to kill me by being so damn nice.

“Oh...really? I didn’t know.”

That was shit.

“Well uh...now you do that it’s not always annoying up there and that’s your part of the non-bothering stuff.” He pointed out.

“That’s the- same for you, yeah.” I answered, slightly nervous.

“Didn’t know we had that too in common, that’s funny.”

Not so sure about the other detail you don’t know about-

“We learn new stuff everyday at least. I guess it’s...useful to know? I don’t know.” I chuckled.

“Yeah, there’s not much to do with that information, it’s more of a...fact thing-y. You know I like that stuff.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Who doesn’t?”

“Yeah, everyone does at this point, but that’s a quarter of what they know, I think that you’re the only one that knows the most about me, not everyone.”

You have to stop before I drop dead on the floor right now.

“I have to remind you that it’s kind of the same for you.”

“People are definitely thinking we’re together at this point, we’re pretty close so they have every right to believe that.”

“Does it...bother you?”

“Oh, no, not really. You’re a pretty girl so that’s kind of...nice that they think that a nerd like me could be in a relationship with you.”

Okay, I just stopped functioning right now.

What am I supposed to even say? You’re a literal god, you’re handsome as HELL- 

“Oh- you’re uh- good looking so, that’s...normal I guess.”

“You think so?” He asked, unsure.

Oh, please. Tell me you’re kidding, it’s impossible that no one hasn’t told you of your AMAZING handsomeness, the fact that you’re amazingly-

Yeah, we got it y/n. 

“Yeah, really.” I confirmed.

“Thanks, I guess.”

“No problem, Spence.” I said, as we both went to our respective tasks.

At least I avoided a heart attack, that’s what matters, he just has to stop being so cute and pretty, all the time because I’m gonna have trouble acting like I’m not in fucking love with him if he keeps going.

Just- breathe, and focus on your work. 

We’re gonna talk together, and it’s gonna be okay.

There’s no reason that a problem would occur, I just had a talk with him, and it went...almost perfectly smooth. 

The ‘almost’ part is when I almost had a heart attack, which isn’t the first I’ve had with him, and won’t be the last.

If he would just stop being so handsome all of the time.

I sighed, reading the paper all over again as I lost focus...again.

As I was reading, my pen in hand and the tip of it slightly touching the sheet— I didn’t even realize that I had been scribbling on the paper, as if I was in middle school and bored in class all over again.

It was kind of….fun. 

I didn’t get to do that everyday, so I’d say that it was diversifying compared to any other stressful day where these...doodles wouldn't even happen or to be thought about because of the amount and importance of the work.

I still think about him, even when I’m busy as hell though.

He’s always in my thoughts, I don't know how he does it because I’m pretty sure I don’t do that with anyone else in the bureau. 

Is that kind of over thinking considered as an obsession or not at this point? I’m not quite sure of it anymore, but...it's not "psychopath, stalker-like", he's just an important person that matters to me.

I just really like him, that’s all.

He also told me that I tend to be in his mind often, so...I guess we're even.

I guess so.

“Hey, is everything...okay? You’ve been staring blankly for a...while. Is that my-” He started to point out.

I panicked, quickly hiding the papers with other ones. “What? Oh, uh...I was-” I blurted out. “...thinking.”

“You’ll probably have to...print out new ones. I don't think Hotch will accept papers with scribbles, you know. I can print out some copies for you, if you want?”

“No- It’s fine, I can go, thanks for asking! It’s nice of you but uh- I’m going.” I answered, as I abruptly clicked back on the software to print out copies, and walked to the breakroom after...awkwardly waving.

Why the hell was I scribbling down his name like I was...a middle schooler having a crush on her classmate?

I have no idea why, but this was...kind of embarrassing at the moment.

I seriously have to stop worrying about each thing that happens.

He probably didn’t care as much as I did.

I shook my head as I arrived in the breakroom, now empty as Luke and Matt had previously left from what I saw a bit ago when I looked in that direction.

I didn’t mind, at least I’d avoid embarrassment because of how weird my expression probably looks.

So, everyone, please don’t come now, wait until I pick up my papers, that’d be more than appreciated.

++

Should I call Spencer?

I don’t want to be a bother, I know he enjoys spending time alone off work.

Would he be happy to hear me?

I don’t know.

I’ll call him later, if I’m settled on it.

I’ve been pacing in that small apartment of mine for at least the last couple of minutes, or maybe an hour, I don’t have the habit of noting the duration of my nonsense usually.

I don’t even know why I’m pacing again and again just to decide about a call.

I’m sure he doesn’t even do that.

Does that mean it makes me...crazy?

Not necessarily.

It could.

Maybe.

I’ll just- whatever.

Do something useful like cleaning your apartment and answering emails, and you’ll see if you have a minute to spare to call Spencer.

That works that way.

See, you can stop stressing.

Just do another task to distract yourself and have less things to worry about, so it’ll be easier to decide about the ‘call matter’ thingy.

++

I did not call him, if that’s what anyone wondered.

The only call I made was with Penelope, after she called me numerous times to ask me about the books we’ve been yelling about for a few weeks.

I had supposed she had also wanted to talk about Spencer, as the whole office had been conspiring about our possible relationship.

But, she held it off, and cut the call after saying ‘I better hang up or I’ll be talking about the book for another decade’.

Kind of looks like me and my thoughts with Spencer.

I hope I’ll get to let all of those out, if we ever have the chance to have a talk about the feelings matter.

I never had that many ‘things matters’, I’m even inventing some new words along the way.

Crazy what love can do, if that’s what started it.

I can’t recall that either, I’ve been more focusing on the matter itself than the name of it.

Love will do, I guess.

++

“What are you up to?” I asked, peering over Spencer’s desk.”

“Well, technically...nothing new. I’ve been reading that for the past week, I tend to do that with books I really like.” He closed it, looking at me. “Is that weird?”

“Not at all. I’m doing the same with shows and movies, and even- who cares if it’s weird? If we like doing that, we don’t have to worry about what others might think about it.”

“You’re right, I shouldn’t worry that much.”

“I worry about small things too, you’re not alone on the ride.” I pointed out, sitting back at my desk.

“Glad to know I have someone I’m sure won’t judge on that.”

“I would never judge you on anything, well- aside from the ‘sugar’ matter we’ve been having for a while, nothing else.”

“You’ll be debating about it for a while then. I’m not about to stop having my ‘sugar with my coffee’, as Morgan says.”

“The amount you put in it is disgusting.”

“Not to me.”

“Well it is to me, and probably everyone else. How do you not get sick?”

“No idea. I’ve been doing that for years and never had problems of any kind. Maybe you’re all the ones that are weird.”

“Hey! You’re weird too. If you wouldn’t be, I wouldn’t be talking with you.”

“I’m less weird than you, at least.”

“Pff. Just get back to work, weirdo.”

I love you, weird genius.

++

No, I didn’t get to talk to him about the…’love matter thingy’.

We did spend a lot of time together but I didn’t get the nerve to find a way to ask, instead of going straight to the thing.

I have no idea if I was imagining things or if it was real but...he did look a lot like me, and...his look wasn’t the kind of look you’d give a friend.

He also seemed...nervous, I guess?

Would it be wrong for me to think that he could possibly like me, as well?

That’s better than always thinking he doesn’t, a little hope doesn’t hurt, it’s always nice to think on the bright side for once.

Maybe I could be right.

I kind of hope I am.

++

I didn’t think till now that it would be such a relief to see my whole desk cleared from most of the papers.

 I’ve turned in most of my reports- and that kind of sounds like I’m talking as if I’m in school and turning in assignments at the end of the day to be honest.

All of the papers that laid around were gone, and it kind of seemed like the work day had reached its end.

It kind of was a nice day, it’s nice to have days like that from time to time to take a break from all of the stress and shit from cases.

As I had gathered back all of my stuff, and all that was in mind was to walk out of here and rush to my apartment.

Just as I turned around, Spencer was standing in front of me; I didn’t even see him come by.

“You- gosh, you really scared me. Speak up next time.” I said, nervously laughing.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to- Did you uh...get hurt?”

“No, I didn’t have- get anything. I’m okay, thanks- Are you going home too?”

“Yeah, yeah, I am and...I also-”

“You also…?”

“I wanted to talk to you...again, about something.”

I feel like that ‘something’ might be the ‘something’ I’ve been wanting to talk to you about for weeks.

“Uh, go ahead, I guess. I can’t really start the conversation as I have no idea what it’s about…”

“Okay, uh...I’ve been uh, wanting to ask, for a while, if you wanted to hang out, sometimes. I know we do, pretty often, but I’d be like...hanging out together, maybe dinner...” He looked elsewhere, searching for his words.

“...you mean a date? Is that...what you want to say?”

“Yeah, that! I just- I thought I’d be weird to ask you, just like that. I mean...it’s kind of random and I thought that- you understood the thing.”

Please, that’s what I’ve been thinking about for a decade, how could I not understand that-

“It’s not weird, I’m just...surprised?”

“Oh, I’m- glad? I just...didn’t think you’d accept and...I was kind of afraid that I’d make a fool of myself by asking you that.”

“Wait a minute though-  You’re really asking me out, right now? I’m not making fun of you, it’s just still...wow.”

I just thought you would never do it, or that I’d be the one asking and receiving a negative answer.

“I swear that I’m not. I’d never joke about that, especially to you, and since I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I guess I was afraid of the answer.”

“Please don’t laugh, or anything but...kind of the same thing was happening to me, about you.”

“So...we’ve been thinking about it, and none of us knew? Wow, that’s...I didn’t think that was happening all this time.”

“Seems so.”

“Have you been uh...thinking about it for a while, like me?”

“Kind of...yeah. I’ve...liked you for a while but, didn’t think you’d be interested. I’ve had a lot of male friends that were acting like you, but weren’t interested in me, so I thought...that was the case.” I admitted.

“You have no idea how much I appreciate you, and not only in a friendly way. I’ve liked you for a bit, and as I said, I was afraid of what you’d say, so...I told myself that waiting for the right moment would be better.”

“....yeah, same. I don’t think we’d ever get to have a conversation about it but- did you uh...resolved yourself to do it because of…”

“..the paper thing? Yeah, and no. It’s been on my mind for a bit. I just thought this would...kind of- be the right moment. I know that it's not the ideal place, but I just thought, it’s now or never.”

“At least...it’s cleared out?” I asked.

“Yeah, it is. I’m glad we know about...the feelings stuff and all.”

“You have no idea how I am. This is- wow, sorry, this was kind of sudden, and I...didn’t think that’d happen. Just this morning I thought about talking about it somewhere this week and now- did you read my expression or something and guessed or…? Because just as I thought about it, you talked to me.” I explained.

“I guess so. I’ve been thinking about it for a bit, and...I didn’t want to wait more as I wouldn’t have ever talked, as for you.”

“Would you have waited another week for me to tell it or would you have stepped in before?”

“I think it would have depended on where we would be. Because, if we were outside, I think that I would have preferred something nicer than a bureau, you know. Even if I like it, to be honest. But, I wouldn’t say it’s the best setup to ask someone on a date?”

I shrugged. “Not the best, but, it’s better than- I don’t know...a grocery store or something?” 

“Yeah- it’s better.”

“At least you’ll get a better shot at asking me out on another date after that one.”

“I’ll definitely do better.”

“I trust you on that one. But- I want to home right now though, I kind of miss my couch...and my fridge, maybe.”

“I’m with you on both ones- after you.” Spencer offered, as the elevator opened, stepping in after me. 

“Be careful with the whole gentlemen thing, you’re gonna have to bring me coffee everyday soon.”

“I’m already doing that with mine, bringing yours won’t hurt. You’ll probably have a bill at the end of each month.”

“In your dreams, Reid.”

++

The care that had been put by Spencer on our first date was truly amazing.

It looked like he planned it months ago, it could almost be seen as a kind of proposal if someone else would see it.

He insisted on picking me up himself, did not tell me a single thing about where we were going till we were there, which was weird...but made it exciting and fun.

I have to say that I was...quite nervous too.

I never even thought that I’d be here, on a literal date with Spencer Reid himself; I’ve had dreams about it, thought about it, but never thought it’d actually happen.

None of this was a joke, he was more than serious about it.

I don’t think that even one thought I had looked like this moment, he insisted for it to be an awesome first date we’d both remember for a while, and I wish it could have lasted longer.

Time went by, way too fast that when we both saw the time, it was already 10PM.

As we could have work, and that sleeping early would be convenient if we happen to be called in early, we decided to end the night there, even if none of us really wanted to.

“We should stay in next time. That way we won’t be tired, you know. It’s kind of late.” Spencer pointed out, as we walked to my place.

“You sure? It’s gonna be Grey’s Anatomy or whatever cheesy tv show I watch for the night.”

“I don’t mind. I’ll probably try to point out the mistakes, it’ll be like...a game night you know.”

“Oh, yeah. It could. But, I think I’m gonna be the one to lose as the only ‘medical knowledge’ I have from that show is from that show. And, as Google isn’t to be trusted, I’m gonna lose.”

“It could also include a...spot cheesy moments thing.”

“Season one is full of it. We’re gonna have a lot to talk about. I would have proposed Star Trek but apparently, there’s not much scientific errors, it’s pretty accurate from what I heard. We could settle on Doctor Who if we can’t decide.”

“Would you like it though? You told me you don’t watch it usually.”

“You could tell me about it, it could be good. We could also try Supernatural, it’s kind of mystery stuff with paranormal stuff?”

“Ghosts, spirit and the whole heaven/hell thing?”

“Yeah, there’s a lot going on. And...it's kind of in the title. I’d have to warn you though, I’m kind of obsessed with the main leads, so don't get jealous or something.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t judge you. It’s a judgement free-zone.”

You raised your eyebrows, staying silent for a split second.“...you judged me when I didn’t add any sugar in my coffee.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Spencer, please- you looked at me weirdly, as if I committed a crime.” 

“Not in a mean way- I just put a ton, so, seeing someone putting none was weird.” He admitted.

“I’m judging you on that then. You’re putting way too much in that. It’s sugar with liquid at this point, it's melted candy.”

“I hate the strong taste.”

“Then drink tea.” I proposed.

“It’s too light.”

“Just end up drinking water.” I said, running out of ideas.

“No, I prefer to stay with my sugar with liquid.”

As you wish.” I agreed, as we came to a stop.

“So...we’re there.”

“Yep, we are. I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked.

“Yeah, tomorrow.” Spencer repeated, coming forward to plant a kiss on my cheek. “Have a good night.”

“Spencer, you missed. You kissed my cheek.”

“Oh I- are you fine with it…?”

“Just kiss me, Reid.” I replied back, while one of his came on my left cheek, the other laying on my waist as he stepped forward once again, kissing me on the lips.

All of it was perfect.

It was only the two of us, the world around us had froze.

My arms ended up winding up around his neck as he brought me close, his warmth, smell invading my emotions, my whole thoughts.

I had totally forgotten about everything else, he was the center of my attention, I couldn’t allow myself to go on another track when he happened to be near me, this close.

Never have I thought that months ago, as I was crushing on a man I thought wouldn’t like me, would actually like me, and kiss me.

We were literally starting to date.

This better be real, I better not be in a coma after whatever accident I might have had.

Because this— this is way better than a dream, than I imagined.

I would be so mad if that wouldn’t end up to be real— but it is.

All of the things I’d feel, whether it was him, his hand on my cheek radiating his warmth on me, his breath, his lips slotting against mine, his arm enlacing my waist, the grip on my waist gentle, the feeling of the fabric of his jacket against my fingers, or even my own feelings, all of the memories, thoughts floating around, there was just way too many things to describe, but I could still list them all of a sudden if I were to be asked about the aftermath of it.

I couldn’t wish for a better moment like this.

I think that the fact that this moment was probably totally unexpected made it even more special for the two of us.

Neither of us will forget, ever.

This moment totally replaced the message written in bright red ink that reminded me that I still had these feelings laying around that I kept pushing away by fear of rejection.

The rejection seemed long gone, for me, he happened to be having similar feelings, probably fearing a negative event as well.

Turns out nothing bad happened for the both of us.

Only our truest desires, what we wished for but didn’t dare to as the bad ones were stronger.

The bad pushed the joy we could have really lived if the feelings were mutual.

And now, it is.

We both know that the other likes us, that the bad is long gone behind us.

I could tell that, from my side, because of this moment.

I didn’t want it to stop, ever.

I wished to live this kind of event that could give the chance for all of these amazing feelings to fill my whole mind.

No more fear, pain, sadness, just calm, reassuring, soothing feelings.

The ones that make you feel that nothing can hurt you anymore, that make you feel safe, happy, this is all I’ve ever wanted.

I didn’t even count how many minutes that lasted, I was too focused on...the wonderful person in front of me and all the feelings that came with it.

It was quite the overwhelming one, and for once, it wasn’t an unpleasant overwhelming, it made me feel happy.

Mostly because I’d never thought feelings could be so deep, numerous, amazing to think about, and then, even more happy feelings would pop up again, and again.

I’d almost forgotten we were still in front of my building, and that it was...really late.

I almost think that I didn’t remember the world had kept moving, that people walked by to see two people making out in the street.

I guess I sort of apologize, but don’t really care.

I was in my moment and did not care if anyone saw us.

When we both slowed down in our movements, ceasing after a few seconds; I slightly stepped back, letting his hand rest on my cheek for a little bit more when I put mine on his.

I simply didn’t want the feeling of his warmth to ever stop.

I did not want any of what this moment made me feel to ever stop after I had to experience it with no one but a person that deeply matters to me.

The only person I’ve ever wanted to feel this kind of amazing feelings with.

I didn’t want it to stop.

Not yet.

Not ever.

It was amazing.

He was amazing.

As we both started to take our breaths back, when his hand dropped from my cheek to my waist, joining the other, the feeling of looking in his eyes once again was astounding.

It was just a glance.

But, when you happen to be in total love, it isn’t just a simple glance, it’s always a special one.

What you feel about it won’t ever change.

I’m sure of it, in my case.

I wish I could be looking at him forever.

But...not that I want to ruin the moment but, it was really late, and windy.

Not the best time to look at each other for hours.

After a certain amount of time, Spencer had been the one to briefly break contact, before maintaining it once again, but with a different emotion plastered on his face this time.

“I’m sorry for...before, I panicked and I-”

Okay, here goes nothing.

“I don’t want you to go yet.” I admitted. “That's kind of the reason...I said and did that too. I wanted to kiss you but, it was also to feel you close a bit more, a four hour date wasn’t enough and I don’t think it’ll ever be.”

He seemed surprised at my confession.

Just say something, I hate it when there’s a blank.

Especially when I just said this to you.

“...if you want me to stay, just tell me.” He said. “I’ll be here as long as you’ll have me, as long as you want. Even for a whole week, a month, hell- forever, let’s be crazy.”

“You’d do that?”

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I?”

“I just feel like I would be bothering you.”

“You’re not. I’m actually happy to get to stay more. It’s not bothersome at all, on the contrary. I’m happy to stay.”

I’m happy too.

“Thanks for that. I really...appreciate it.” I admitted.

“The pleasure’s mine.”

“Wow, you’re playing it ‘gentleman-like’ now?”

“I guess so. I would also say it can be because I’ve seen a bit too much of Miraculous Ladybug when I was babysitting kids. Cat Noir’s nice.”

“You know lines of Cat Noir?”

“Yeah, I picked up a few one.”

“Really? You’re gonna say them all the time now?”

“Of course, my lady.”

“I’m never gonna get used to that. It’s weird hearing you say that.”

“But it’s romantic, there’s a lot in the TV shows you watch. The characters do that too.”

“But you’re not one of the characters, you’re Spencer Reid. You’re yourself. You don’t need to throw Cat Noir lines to charm me or something. Just you...is enough.”

“You sound like ladybug...and also Marinette.”

“We’re kind of them- well- kind of, as what we deal with isn’t...close to a kid’s show, but, we save people.”

“Oh, we should-”

“No, I’m not dressing up as ladybug for halloween.”

“...can’t say I didn’t try.”

“There’s no way I’m dressing up in a suit-” I argued.

“We would have been equal, I’d be in one too.”

“I’m not doing it-”

“...guess I’ll have to come up with something else then.”

“Yeah. We have at least six months to think about it so...that’s enough for me, I guess.”

“It’s short. We’re gonna end up one week before.” He complained.

“Stop worrying about that- just get inside with me, it’s getting cold.”

“I could give you my sweater and jacket, I don’t mind.”

“Just- get inside Reid.”

“I was joking!”

“Sure you do. Do you think I’d stay outside for another hour?”

“I just thought it was because you were cold-”

“I’m gonna check if you don’t have a fever when we get up- you’re out of your mind.”

“I’m perfectly fine.”

“Nah, you’re a bit tired, from what you said.”

“I didn’t actually mean it.”

“Sure, let’s get you to bed, grandpa.”

"I'm 32-"

"So?"

"I don't see why you call me grandpa."

"You don't have the reference? The meme, you know?"

"No, I don't."

"You're disappointing, Reid."

++

“Is it going to get worse in later seasons? It’s too calm.” Spencer pointed out.

“Uh...possibly. Season one is pretty calm, not- entirely, but...okay compared to later ones. There’s a lot going on in Supernatural, and it gets pretty hard when you get attached to the characters. The writers like to hurt us.”

“They’re taking all of the pain of the fans on twitter as inspiration.”  

I snorted. “I’m really starting to wonder if it’s not the case at this point.”

“I noticed they tend to do that at the end of seasons too. They throw in a cliffhanger where you think that the character is going to die, and then, they make you wait months...just to show they had a scratch on the arm.” He explained.

“It’s true...they did that a lot of times. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen after season one though. I bet it’s only going to get worse.”

“Probably. I bet they won’t be extra nice with letting them live peacefully.”

“You…” I stopped in my sentence, yawning. “...said it. Sorry- I’m a bit tired.” I said, rubbing my eyes.

"Oh you should probably- go to bed, yeah. I'll leave the bed to you, you know."

"Why would you sleep on the couch?"

"Uh...well, uh...I don't know."

"We're sleeping in the same bed, it's not the end of the world."

"...are you uh- sure?"

"I guess. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

“I just figured that...it’d be sort of embarrassing, or even awkward for you.”

“I don’t get why it would be, it’s okay. Plus, you deserve to sleep comfortably if you’re tired as well.”

“Okay, then.”

I paused for a bit, thinking about a detail. “...It’s probably stupid to ask, but...which side do you usually prefer? Just so that, there aren't any problems if you sleep on a specific one, you know.” 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to be taking you side or anything, as you said, if you prefer a specific...one.”

“Why did you think I asked? And, in case we prefer the same, we’ll just settle on one, that's all I can think of.”

“...it wasn’t stupid to ask though.” Spencer reassured.

“Really? I...it’s not everyday that I ask that kind of stuff, especially as this situation doesn’t happen everyday. But, at least, I can say that I’ve already done it. It’s...something.”

“Yeah, same. It’s just...I don’t know, what would you call it?”

“Half stupid, half nice? I have no idea as well.” I admitted.

“...we can just leave it there, we’ll never find it.”

“True- Are you coming, or doing a whole routine like drinking water, going to the bathroom, tidying up everything, checking mails and all of the possible stuff that you could do?”

“Do you really think I could be doing that?”

“Kind of. Wouldn’t be surprising if you were doing that. But I’d say it’s a waste of time, if it’s 10PM, you end up going at 11:30 something. The least I’d do would be...water and bathroom. But again- I won’t criticize, it’s fine with me. Just don’t make hella noise.” I detailed.

“I just...check mails...a lot, yeah. Also uh...I make sure everything is ready in case we get called in so I don’t rush; so, I do a lot of stuff. But as if it’s a calm week, I guess I can skip getting the bag ready, and probably mails as I answer them later.”

“That’s...good to know at least. Less stress before going to bed.”

“Kind of. I tend to do all of the stuff I forget all day at night, which causes me to do a lot of stuff, being afraid that they won’t be done on time, so...it’s nice to have less stress.”

“Really nice after what you said.” I pointed out. “Are you sure you’re okay though? We’re only sharing a bed, it isn’t the end of the world, if that’s the thing that bothers you.”

“No, you’re not….it isn’t- It’s not the problem. I just, never really...did it, and...I have no idea why I’m stressing over that. It’s kind of stupid as we’re just gonna sleep.”

“You’ll be out like a light in two minutes Spence, it won’t be a problem if that’s what stresses you out. Also, it kind of is...the feeling you can’t describe, and me neither. It’s like...stress, awkwardness, a mix, you know.”

“Exactly, it’s kind of that.” He agreed.

“Didn't know we were thinking the same about that. Well, I guess we’ll see. We should go before it’s too late.”

“Yeah, we...probably should.” 

“Relax up a bit. Just chill.”

“I’m perfectly relaxed.” He argued.

“No you’re not. Stop lying, I don’t even need to profile you to know. You’re like a balloon ready to explode.”

“I really don’t see what you’re talking about, y/n.” He muttered.

“Did anyone tell you that you’re very convincing? Turns out they were lying, genius.”

++

“I think I’m the one freaking out now.” I admitted, out of the blue.

“I’m not really freaking out anymore. I guess I gave all of my stress away to you.”

“It’s quite thoughtful, thanks.”

“Maybe you’re just hot, who knows. I’m fine on my side.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m not hot, it was freezing cold outside, so it is inside. I know when it’s hot and when it’s not.”

“Uh then...try to take deep breaths? I don’t know what you could do.”

Why don’t you try to be less handsome, huh?

“I think it’s the awkwardness and stress mix kicking in, as I said earlier.”

“Do you want to talk for a bit? Maybe it’ll calm you down.”

“Sure, why not.” I agreed, turning to the other side to face him.

That guy has to realize that his face is what’s distracting me.

“What did you think about today?” He asked.

“It was...really fun. Quite more than I expected I think. I guess I’d be down for other ones.”

“I can’t guarantee I’m not going to slide one or two essays in it though.”

“I’m fine with it. You know listening to you...never bothered me. I don’t think it’ll ever bore me. Who doesn’t like a few facts?”

“Even when it’s all about science or pagan rituals? The cop looked at me weirdly and even asked what kind of doctor I was. Someone else had to talk to revive the conversation.”

You bet, not everyone’s used to it.

“I do remember that one. You looked pretty...proud about it when you finished the sentence. I swear that I would have revived it first or would have kept going. I know a bit about it. What did you say to creep him out?”

“I think that...there was candle wax on the tree, and I said the usual stuff, as a matter of fact, it was used to protect the birth day celebrants from demons, and that the celebration got rejected by Christianity as a pagan ritual’. That’s when he asked.”

That totally explains.

“It wasn’t embarrassing, don’t worry. He just...wasn’t used to that. That almost happens with every new person you meet. I’m out of the ‘almost’ I guess. I was surprised, but got kind of interested.”

“Again, that was surprising. Not everyone would have reacted like you did. I know the others try not to hurt me and listen to it until it’s enough.”

“It’s distracting sometimes, you can always keep going. But not too late, 2AM essays aren’t my thing. Sleeping at 2AM is.”

Getting to sleep at 2AM doesn’t even matter anymore, I’m just glad to be able to sleep.

“I’ll try then.”

“You better.” I warned, pulling my jacket closer to my body as I felt a few chills.

His gaze hadn’t left my figure, hence, he noticed. “...you’re still cold?”

“A bit, I guess.”

“Do you uh...want to...get closer?”

“If you don’t mind, I don’t know. I don’t want it to be embarrassing.”

“It’s not, I swear. I just don’t want you to freeze, I guess.” He admitted, raising one of his arms.

“Okay, thanks.” I slowly got closer, not wanting to invade too much.

“I said you could get closer, that is barely closer than before. Come here.” He pointed out, which I responded to with a sigh as my head ended up resting against his chest. “I told you it wasn’t weird.”

“I thought it’d be for you.” I answered.

“It’s not...anymore. It’s actually fine...now that you’re here.”

“...really? You were kind of stressed about it just a bit ago.”

“Don’t remind me, it’s embarrassing again now. Do as your brain is a computer and delete the file.”

You’re the computer, I’m not.

“It’s fun when you react like that, why would I stop?”

“That’s offending.”

“You, offended? I don’t think so. You don’t sound like it, you’re acting.”

“That hurted my feelings even more, I think my heart might die because of such cruelty. You should be careful with your words, my lady.”

“You’re starting to look like Cat Noir. It’s cheesy. I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.”

“Maybe I am Cat Noir, who knows.”

“Guess you’re gonna have to give back your power, you’re not supposed to say it.”

That shows how many nights I’ve spent babysitting kids, especially Matt’s, they watch it way too much.

“Never said I was.”

I kind of wish you were, it’d be fun to see you in that costume.

“Spencer, you sound like him now. You’re definitely him, can’t change my mind about that.”

“I just sound like him, doesn’t mean I am.”

“I have the last word, stop.”

“Okay, I’m stopping. But you have to sleep first, I’m not sleeping until you’re asleep.”

“...bossy.” I spat.

“I’m taking care of you, I’m not bossy.”

“...what’ver.”

“Whatever, right.” Spencer repeated, hesitating for a bit before putting his lips on my forehead, softly kissing it a few times. “I totally agree with you.”

“Mhm.” I lazily said, growing a bit more tired.

“Good night, y/n.”

++

Nothing much had been planned for today; so when I had woken up, I really didn’t need to feel stressed about rushing into work as most of it would only be paperwork.

Spencer was still asleep. He had stirred up a bit when I stood up, but it didn’t wake him much. He was sleeping as a baby, even when I accidentally banged my foot against a shelf, nothing woke him up.

I exited the room with a chuckle, heading to the kitchen aisle to fill up a glass of water; sitting on the counter when I had the glass in hand.

It wasn’t really late, just about 8AM, I could still head to work around 9 or 10 as our work hours were to be chosen by us when nothing urgent was to be done; but, the limit was still about 10AM, the hour to be chosen more freely was around the end of the day.

Too bad we can’t head in somewhere in the afternoon.

I hate that work just for that.

I slightly jumped from the counter, peering over the bedroom to see Spencer still sound asleep, only his position had changed.

As I looked in the room, his sweater had been messily put on one of the chairs in the corner, almost at the edge of it.

Time to make jokes and steal a sweater. 

I slightly laughed, walking to the chair as I grabbed the sweater, heading back outside when I had the item in hand.

In a few seconds, I had put my head in the top hole, then my arms in the sleeves, arranging the sweater afterwards.

Good luck to get it back, Reid.

++

“Hey, did you-”  Spencer asks, before putting his eyes on me. “Is that my sweater, or am I having hallucinations?”

“That is your sweater, indeed. You’re not hallucinating.”

“Is it being rude to ask why you’re wearing it?”

“I don’t know, I like it.”

“And...is it possible to get it back later?”

“Not sure….no.”

“At least you were clear.” Spencer chuckled, sitting on the couch as I joined him after a minute.

“Last night was really nice. I appreciated the forehead kisses.”

“I just...felt like it would be reassuring, glad to know that. I could do it often if you’d like to. I don’t mind.”

“Every night, no matter the situation. If we leave and don’t see each other for a few hours, forehead kisses, even if we don’t sleep at the other’s place, forehead kisses- basically every time we have to separate for a bit. But- you can also do it when we’re together, so...correction, all the time.”

“Gotcha, all the time.”

“I may give you back your sweater at some point if you keep your promise.”

“I don’t actually mind, you can keep it. Just tell me when you take my clothes so I don’t think that some alien stole my clothes in the night.”

“I’ll send you a text every time I’ll be taking one. You might receive a lot though…”

“Just try to leave two or three shirts and some pants so I don’t have to go out in the street naked.”

“I will- don’t worry.” I said, laughing.

“Too bad I can’t take yours in exchange. I’m not a fan of...tops.”

“You know what? That’s not a bad idea. I’m gonna take everything in your closet and only leave pants and that top. Thanks for the idea!” I thanked, getting up from the couch as he tried to catch me when I started to run.

At least now, I can’t say that I had a bad week.

It was better than expected;

For...probably the both of us.

++

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