#if i had a nickel for every friend group that decided i was some sort of ancient deity in human form id have two nickels

[clanoffelidae]

Having non-binary dysphoria is fucking weird bc it’s like

Brain: don’t like this body

Me: okay do you want a male one?

Brain: that’s even worse

Me: okay so what do you want???

Brain: not this one

[alinastracker]

Infuriating: Part Two (ao3)

Part One was Mal and Alina’s camp love story. Now it’s Zoya and Nikolai’s turn.

For Zoya Nazyalensky, it was hate at first sight when she met Nikolai Lantsov at Kamp Keramzin. But as she learns who the spoiled blond really is through the years, Zoya has to sort out feelings she never expected having. 

Before

Zoya Nazyalensky hated Nikolai Lantsov.

She hated him before she had even known his name. Perhaps hate was a strong word for someone she had only one, brief interaction with. But Zoya had always been more inclined to feel more intensely than most children, and so she found it a perfectly fitting description.

Zoya was bouncing in the back of her aunt’s beat up SUV the entire way to Kamp Keramzin. Up until two weeks ago, she had been preparing to spend another miserable summer with her mother and her alcoholic boyfriend, hoping that her father would visit her in between business trips. Then one afternoon, Aunt Liliyana had stopped in for an unexpected visit. Zoya had hoped she would take her back to the tiny coastal town Liliyana called home, at least until school started up in the fall, but she had come with something even better: a registration pamphlet for Keramzin.

Her mother had scoffed. “You know I can’t afford that shit.”

But you can afford the drugs, Zoya thought but didn’t say. Despite everything, she loved her mother. She wanted to make her proud. But it seemed like nothing Zoya did was ever good enough for Sabina to turn away from the allure of the drugs and the liquor, or worse, the abusive men she brought home.

“I’m paying for it,” Liliyana said. “That is, if you want to go?”

Zoya had absolutely wanted to go.

Though now that she was here, hugging her aunt for dear life, she found herself filled with nerves. She knew Liliyana had scraped together nickels and dimes to send Zoya to camp. Looking around, she could already see, just from the state of their clothes, that the other children here had more than she did. Could she even survive a whole summer away from her family? Maybe she had been naive, hoping to escape.

“My little storm,” Liliyana sighed. “This is going to be so good for you. Free that troubled mind of yours.” She tipped the young girl's chin up, locking eyes with her. “Remember, you are Zoya Nazyalensky, and you are worthy.”

Zoya tried to hold the thought in her mind as she walked past the line of other cars and parents dropping their children off for the summer, her duffle bag of belongings slung over her shoulder. A bored driver waited in a car near the front of the line as a blond woman who reeked of money patted the head of an equally blond boy who looked to be around Zoya’s age. The expression on his face was as sour as spoiled milk.

“It’s not fair,” the boy huffed. “Vasily doesn’t have to—”

“Your brother has his horses, and you will have this.”

“I was fine at home! I wanted to spend the summer on—”

“Yes, on your little gadgets.” The woman sighed. “And how well did that work out last summer? Mrs. Ivanov’s dog needs anxiety medication now.”

“The thing with Feliks was an accident!”

“Regardless, you are here because of your own actions, Nikolai. This is your last chance, or next year it’s boarding school. No more hijinks, do you understand me?”

The boy — Nikolai — pouted, but grumbled out a semi-respectful, “Yes, ma’am.”

“Good, now run along.”

Zoya, realizing she had stopped to listen, picked up her pace as naturally as possible. Mentally, she scoffed. How privileged this boy was, huffing and puffing. Didn’t he know how much her aunt had sacrificed just to send her here? How thankful Zoya was, and she hadn’t even stepped foot in the place yet?

She decided then and there that she would stay far away from the spoiled brat.

So naturally, he was put into her group for orientation. There were six of them in total, and as they went around introducing themselves, Zoya wasn’t sure she liked any of them. One girl, Marie, seemed tolerable enough, she supposed.

“Nikolai Lantsov,” the blond boy said when his turn came. A couple of the others exchanged glances that Zoya couldn’t interpret. If Nikolai was surprised by their reaction, he didn’t show it.

Her turn came, and she tried to remember what her aunt had told her as she said, “Zoya Nazyalensky.”

One of the boys frowned. “Nazyalensky? That’s a mouthful.”

She was half-ready to show him what a mouthful really was when Nikolai said with a casual shrug, “I like it.”

Maybe the boy wouldn’t be so bad after all—

Nikolai had turned to her then, a frown tugging at his lips. “You have something on your shirt, Nazyalensky.”

Zoya looked down at herself and sure enough, there was a stain, likely from one of her grandmother’s meals that were almost always served with a rich sauce. Most of her clothes had some kind of stain or little holes from the sheer number of years she’d owned them.

She was back to hating him.

Their first summer had been more of the same. Nikolai would say something almost nice, only to follow it up with something that made her want to punch him. Zoya ignored him as much as humanly possible, but like any invasive species, he kept popping up.

Regardless of the ever annoying Nikolai Lantsov, Zoya loved every second at Keramzin. She wrote multiple postcards to her aunt with updates, and even a couple to her mother. Despite not being as well off as most of the other kids, Zoya always kept her aunt’s parting message close to her chest.

You are Zoya Nazyalensky, and you are worthy.

And she quickly learned that half of being popular was believing that you should be. She walked through camp with her head held high, and if that made her a little intimidating to the others, so be it. At least when it came to her age group, Zoya found herself holding court. The girls wanted to be her, the boys (and some of the girls, too) wanted to kiss her — all the more so during her second year at Keramzin as she further grew into her looks. She was naturally gifted at most of the camp activities. Everyone wanted her on their team for games like kickball and tug of war. She could swim laps around everyone in the lake. Finally given the opportunity, Zoya simply thrived.

As the years went on, the only one who matched Zoya’s popularity at Keramzin was Nikolai, much to her dismay. But unlike Zoya, Nikolai hadn’t had to work for his level of adoration from the other campers. He wasn’t good at most of the activities, but everyone still wanted him on their team. He didn’t need to be good. Rather, Nikolai capitalized off of his good looks, his money, and his natural charm — though Zoya would dispute him having any of the latter. But she couldn’t deny his money. His father was some big shot in the business world, the Lantsov name apparently rather well known. And, as much as she wanted to deny it, he was attractive. Golden blond hair, hazel eyes that always held a wink of something mischievous. He was annoyingly smart and worldly, though she would never tell him that. She would never tell him most of her deeper feelings regarding him. For him.

Because despite her best effort, Zoya found herself by Nikolai’s side again and again every summer, like clockwork. Despite being well loved, neither of them had really bonded strongly with the campers in their year. It didn’t help that he was the only one who could handle her jabs and withering glares, laughing them off as if she couldn’t possibly mean anything she said. But she definitely meant every word.

Mostly every word.

Instead, they had found themselves entangled with a group that had formed in the year below them. Alina Starkov and Malyen Oretsev, the two most oblivious people to ever live. Genya Safin, so naturally gorgeous and put together that Zoya had let her jealousy convince her she hated the girl at first. But then Genya had shown her how to do her hair in more ways than Zoya's usual ponytail, and helped her make something out of her meager clothing selections, even going as far to stitch up holes in some of her more worn tee shirts. Why she looked at David Kostyk of all people with puppy eyes she would never understand, though Nikolai was rather obsessed with the genius boy, too. Nadia Zhabin, one of the funniest people she had ever met with an incredible amount of wit. Mikhael and Dubrov, two textbook definitions of himbos.

And if the group had looked up to Zoya and Nikolai as their cool older friends, at least for a couple years, they pretended like it didn’t go to their heads.

Zoya tried to explain to the girls why she hated Nikolai during one of the camp’s Sleep Under the Stars nights, ditching her group to pull her sleeping bag over to where Alina, Genya, and Nadia were camped out.

“He’s arrogant, spoiled rotten, and downright infuriating,” she’d said.

Genya had been the one to bravely raise a brow and ask, “Are you sure you don’t just have a crush on him?”

“Absolutely not! I can't stand him.”

Zoya had kept up the same attitude, even as her traitorous hormones had begun to notice the strong line of his jaw, the hard muscles of his back when they were swimming at the lake. He was still an asshole — even if it was mostly accidentally. He was still spoiled. Cocky. Often deserving of a good punch to his pretty face.

Until her fourth year of camp, when everything in Zoya’s life changed.

When Zoya was called to the camp’s main office one day halfway through the summer, she assumed someone had ratted about her sneaking off into Maxim’s cabin last night. He was a year older and quite the kisser. But as soon as she had seen the look on Mr. Botkin’s face, she knew something was terribly wrong.

“Miss Nazyalensky, I’m so sorry to have to share this news with you,” he said in his thick accent, his face softer than she had ever seen it. “Your mother called. There was an accident involving your aunt.”

Zoya barely heard the next words out of his mouth. Drunk driver. It happened fast. Funeral in a couple days. Can’t afford the bus ticket for home and Novokribirsk, so—

She ran out of the office after that, all the way back to her cabin, ignoring other camper’s worried glances and calls for her. Of course, her stingy, selfish mother would only pay for one ticket. Zoya knew the woman expected her to stay at camp and use that one ticket to get home at the end of the summer. But screw that. Zoya would use it to go to her aunt’s funeral, even if she had no way home afterwards.

Zoya was in the middle of stuffing her bag, too frantic to care about folding her clothes or being gentle with fragile items, when the cabin door opened. She barely noticed. Zoya couldn’t stay here another second, the place she had come to love more than her own home, the place she had only been able to attend because her aunt had paid for her stay the past four summers.

Her thoughts were as panicked as her packing. Had Aunt Liliyana been driving home from an extra shift when she had been hit? Or from her first job to the second she had taken on? Would she have needed to do either of those if she hadn’t paid for Keramzin? Was her aunt gone because of her?

Zoya ignored the footsteps, assuming one of the girls was coming to grab a hair tie or change into a swimsuit. Or maybe one of them had seen her run from the office and had come to ask about her. She had no time for that.

But the hand that gently — albeit firmly — closed around her wrist, halting her movement, definitely didn’t belong to Alina, Genya, or Nadia.

“Zoya?” Nikolai said, his voice taking on a gentle tone she’d never heard from him before. “What’s going on?”

Zoya pulled away from him. “I don’t have time to pander to your needs, Lantsov,” she snarled.

Never deterred by her icy demeanor, he perched on the edge of her bed. “You’re quite capable of working and speaking at the same time, if all those insults you’ve thrown at me over crafts serve as proof.”

“Fuck off, Nikolai.”

He sighed. “Zoya, please,” Nikolai said, bringing her to a momentary pause. Please was not often found in his vocabulary, not in such a genuine manner. “The others are worried, too.”

The words came out in a tumble as she stuffed the last few items into her bag. “My aunt was in a car accident and now she’s dead and the funeral is in a couple days and I have to go but my mother will only buy me one bus ticket so I have to decide between going home or going to the funeral and of course I’m going to the funeral, I’ll fucking walk the miles home if I have to but I just have to go—”

Nikolai took hold of both of her wrists now, and only then did Zoya realize the zipper she was hopelessly trying to close was stuck. “Breathe, Zoya.”

She shook her head. Tears had been building behind her eyes since Botkin had said the words your aunt was in a car accident and at any moment they were going to spill over. She couldn’t cry in front of Nikolai Lantsov. “I can’t,” she whispered, and cried anyway.

Nikolai let go of her hands, taking a moment to carefully zip up her bag, before he pulled her into his chest. Later, Zoya would curse herself, but all she could do in that moment was let Nikolai hold her as her body shook with sobs.

“I’ll call my driver,” he murmured eventually. “He’ll take you to Novokribirsk and home to Pachina and anywhere else you want to go.”

“No—”

“Yes. I’m stupidly rich, Zoya. Let me at least do something good with it.”

The next morning, a friendly older man named Igor waited for her in a brand new Rolls Royce outside the gates of Keramzin. Botkin took her bag to the trunk while she said goodbye to the friends that had walked out with her. It was the most vulnerable she had been with them, and were the situation not so heartbreaking, she knew they would have teased her about it. Instead she only got hugs and promises of texts and pictures. To everyone’s surprise, she saved Nikolai for last.

“Thank you, Lantsov,” she murmured into the crook of his shoulder. Were she not so miserable, she might’ve noticed how good he smelled for a sixteen year old boy in ninety degree weather.

“Don’t be a stranger, Nazyalensky.”

To Zoya’s surprise, she wasn’t.

  Now

Zoya Nazyalensky still hated Nikolai Lantsov.

At least, she pretended to, because admitting the truth was much more terrifying.

“Are you even paying attention, Zoya?” Genya sighed.

No, she wasn’t, because she was watching Nikolai bend over to tie his shoe, marveling at his ass. How he had only managed to get hotter through the years was a sin, and nineteen was already looking to be his best year yet.

Genya shifted, purposely blocking her view of Nikolai’s tight behind. “Focus! This is only going to work if we’re all on board.”

Zoya waved her off. “Yes, yes, I’ve got it. I’ll send Oretsev into the shed for you when the time arises. I still don’t think this is going to work. Both of them are too stubborn for their own good.”

“I don’t know,” Nadia countered. “They’ll never get over their problems if they keep avoiding each other. Never underestimate the power of forced bonding.”

“Exactly!” Genya said. Out of all of them, Zoya knew Genya wanted this plan to work most of all, convinced that Mal and Alina were destined lovers. And sure, the feelings between those two had been obvious — until last summer when they’d shown up hating each other. Personally, Zoya thought love and fate and all that sappy nonsense was utter bullshit. But she cared for Alina, too, so fine, she would help with this silly plan, even if she didn’t believe in it.

When they finally pulled it off a week later, however, Zoya couldn’t regret it more.

“Find somewhere else to sleep, I want the room to myself tonight!” Alina had barked as she stomped away from the activities shed, Mal grumbling off in the other direction.

“Wonderful,” Zoya deadpanned. “How long until she cools off?”

Genya bit her lip, shrugging. “I don’t know. I think we should give her the room tonight.”

“We should what?”

Nadia nodded in agreement. “Yeah, we can sneak into the boys cabin. I can probably con Mikhael out of his bed.”

“I’ll just sleep with David,” Genya agreed.

“And what about me?”

The two of them gave her quizzical looks. “You’ve shared Nikolai’s bed before, Zoya. I’m sure he won’t mind,” Nadia said.

They were right, of course.

The dynamic of her relationship had changed with Nikolai after the year her aunt died. She had spent the rest of the summer in bed most days, barely able to get herself dressed. Surprisingly, her texts with Nikolai had been the bright spots of her days.

The service at Keramzin was horrible, so he must have been sneaking into Botkin’s office — the one building with wifi on the grounds — to send her stupid photos and relay all the goings-on of the day. Lost tug of war, again he’d captioned a photo of himself covered in mud. Another day he wrote, Group is discussing Alina and Mal’s “ship name” which is apparently something people do for couples????? (which they still aren’t, btw) Idk, Genya and Nadia are pushing for “malina” which is just so lazy to me. Oretskov is much more sophisticated, and as a woman of taste, I think you’ll agree.

For the rest of that summer — no, for the rest of that year, most of her laughs and smiles had been brought on by Nikolai Lantsov, which was absolutely fucking mind-boggling.

nikolai: nazyalensky you will not BELIEVE

zoya: this better be something actually unbelievable, lantsov

Nikolai proceeded to send a video of his brother, Vasily, getting absolutely yeeted off of one of his prized horses with the caption “MERRY FUCKIN CHRISTMAS TO MEEEEEEE.” Zoya only responded with you are going to HELL, but she laughed so hard her stomach hurt, so she supposed she’d be joining him.

Zoya worked her ass off during her junior year to be able to afford Keramzin in the summer. It felt good to be back with her friends after the painful year she'd had since losing her aunt, and she had found herself being excited to see Nikolai most of all. Though nothing on the outside had changed — Nikolai was still a pompous rich boy and Zoya still took jabs at him at every opportunity — there was plenty changing under the surface.

A week before the start of holiday break during her senior year, Zoya's phone lit up with Nikolai’s stupid face. She had made his contact photo one she'd taken over the summer after Dubrov had smashed an egg over his head, yolk dripping down his face. Zoya had a policy of not answering unplanned FaceTime calls. But for whatever reason, she made an exception, answering with a scowl on her face so he at least understood the offense.

“What the hell are you FaceTiming me for, Lantsov?”

“Hello to you too, Nazyalensky.”

Nikolai looked to be in the treehouse in his backyard. When he had first called her from the place, she had laughed, because what eighteen year old still had a treehouse? Then he had showed her around the place. It was more workshop than treehouse, a number of little inventions and other products of his mind scattered around the wooden structure. Couldn’t you have found a room in your mansion for this stuff? she had asked. Nikolai had shrugged. “I like being outside. And away from everyone.”

“Only psychopaths FaceTime with no warning.”

“Noted,” Nikolai said, entirely unbothered. “Anyway, what are your holiday break plans?”

“I’m working and finalizing uni applications.”

“Can you . . . not do that?”

Zoya’s glare would send most people running, even given through a screen, but Nikolai only waited for an answer. “I need the money for Keramzin.”

“What if Keramzin was taken care of?”

“Why are you even asking?”

“Ah, right. I was hoping you would come on holiday with me.”

She laughed, because surely he must be joking. But his face was serious. “What?”

“My family is going to Bora Bora. Sort of a work thing for my father. Anyway, all the families are going, and I got my mother to agree to me taking a friend, so . . .”

“You’re seriously asking me to go to Bora Bora with you?”

“Uh, yes?”

Zoya shook her head. “I have to work. And do my uni shit. Why are you even asking me of all people? You have other friends.”

“None of them are as pretty as you, Nazyalensky.”

“You know flattery doesn’t work on me, Lantsov.”

Nikolai frowned, bringing the phone obnoxiously close to his face. “Please, please, please? I’ll go absolutely mental if I have to spend the whole week on my own with these privileged, white assholes.”

“Nikolai, you’re a privileged, white asshole.”

“Exactly! So you’ll come along then?”

“No.”

Naturally, Zoya went.

At first, she thought it might actually be a good decision, going with Nikolai. They sat next to each other on the plane ride there — in first fucking class — sharing Nikolai’s AirPods as they scrolled through stupid TikTok videos. It was strange, seeing him at this time of year when she had only ever seen him during the summer months. But it was nice, too.

And god, Bora fucking Bora! It was beautiful and warm and somewhere she never would have visited on her own. Certainly not staying at the fancy hotel that they were at, a stretch of the beach rented out for this company thing of his father’s. Privileged white asshole friends had their purposes, it seemed.

But she too quickly realized exactly why Nikolai had chosen her to come along.

She’d come back out from using the restroom on their second day there to find Nikolai standing with his father, another older man, and a girl that had to be around her and Nikolai’s age. Zoya had just decided to wait for him at their beachside table, having no desire to get caught up in whatever rich people things they were surely discussing, when she was waved over.

Had they not all turned to look at her, she might have ignored him. Instead, she put on her best friendly face as she joined the group.

“This is Zoya, my friend from camp.” As casually as if it were normal for them, Nikolai slung an arm around her. “We’ve been close for years now. Zoya, this is Rose, and her father, Ruslan.”

Rose glanced between the two of them, looking slightly disappointed. “Oh, I thought . . . Well, nice to meet you.”

Zoya smiled, seething on the inside. Nikolai’s father didn’t look too happy, either.

As soon as she got Nikolai alone, Zoya turned on him. “What the fuck was that, Lantsov?”

Nikolai sighed, “Look, Zoya—”

“You brought me here to what? Be the pretty thing on your arm?”

“No! I mean, that’s a benefit, yes. My father wants to set me up with that girl and I’m just not interested, so I thought—”

“So you thought, bring your poor camp friend! She’ll have to be grateful to live the rich life for a week!”

“That’s not it!”

Zoya shook her head. “To think I thought you actually wanted me here.”

“I do!” Nikolai stepped toward her, and damn the rocky wall at her back for not allowing her to move away from him. He took both of her wrists in his hands, just as he had that day in her cabin. But this felt different, intimate in a way that sent heat rushing through her. “I want you here, Zoya.”

Was he looking at her lips, or was she looking at his? Was he leaning in, or was she? The heat must be getting to her, because she didn’t let herself think the way she was thinking about him right now. Nikolai was cocky and spoiled and maybe she had allowed herself to begrudgingly become his friend, but this was something else entirely. Zoya couldn’t let him kiss her, so she didn’t, tugging out of his grasp and stalking down the beach. He didn’t follow, and she prided herself on being strong enough to resist his pretty hazel eyes and his stupid kissable looking lips.

Strong enough sober, anyway.

On their last night in Bora Bora, Zoya and Nikolai joined the rest of the kids on the trip, who indeed were privileged white assholes, for a boozy bonfire on the beach.

“So, your name is Zoya Nazzzalienski?” one of the boys slurred, screwing up her last name so badly she knew he wouldn’t have said it right sober, either.

“Nazyalensky,” she corrected sharply, too many drinks in to play nice.

“Mm, it’s a mouthful,” Rose, the girl Nikolai’s father apparently found ideal for him, said.

The other boy nodded. “So foreign.”

“She’s just as foreign as you or I, asshole,” Nikolai snapped.

Zoya was surprised to see actual anger on his face. Part of her wanted to punch him for playing the white savior, but another part was incredibly turned on by the way his eyes had darkened.

Vasily, who was as insufferable as Nikolai had described him throughout the years, laughed, disregarding the look on his brother’s face. “Aw, calm down, Niko. He didn’t mean anything bad about your little girlfriend.” Vasily covered his mouth in a mock whisper, “My brother has always had a thing for charity cases.”

Nikolai seethed beside her. “Watch your tongue before I remove it.”

“It’s okay, Nikolai,” Zoya said coolly, resting her hand on his arm. She needed no one to fight her battles for her. “I know your brother is still learning how to socialize with people, his usual company being those horses of his and all.”

The group cackled as Vasily flushed, but said nothing. Zoya stood, leaving them to their drunken bullshit. Nikolai followed.

Halfway down the beach, he stopped them. “Fuck, Zoya, I’m so sorry. I knew they were assholes but I didn’t think—”

Zoya cut him off with her lips.

“Oh,” he breathed when they pulled apart. It was the first time she had ever seen him speechless.

From there, they found their way to Nikolai’s room, stopping every now and then to continue their fervent kissing. The luxurious four poster bed became a mess as they sprawled onto it, working off their clothes, rattling the headboard well into the night. Zoya left Bora Bora with love bites on her neck and the best orgasm of her life.

After waking up sober with an ache between her legs the next morning, however, the first thing out of her mouth was, “It was just sex. It didn’t mean anything.”

Nikolai paused, then nodded. “It didn’t mean anything.”

So yes, Zoya had shared Nikolai’s bed before. Bora Bora had been the first, but not the last. They had spent last summer, their first as full on counselors — and therefore having the much nicer cabins that came with the position — fooling around whenever the flask came out. Drunken fuck buddies, that’s all they were. That’s all they were supposed to be.

But that was before the voicemail.

Zoya hadn’t told the girls about said voicemail, though, and apparently none of them had caught on to her and Nikolai subtly avoiding each other these past two weeks of their last year at Keramzin.

Before she could think of an excuse, the devil himself came around the corner.

Nikolai smoothly avoided eye contact with her. “Just passed Oretsev. Guessing the plan didn’t go over too well.”

Genya sighed. “Don’t you dare say I told you so,” she grumbled.

He held his hands up in defense. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Perfect timing, Nik,” Nadia said, and panic rose in Zoya’s chest. “Alina’s demanding the room to herself tonight, so we’re castaways.” She sang the last part in the tune of that god-awful song that was plastered all over TikTok. “And Zoya needs a bed. You don’t mind sharing, right?”

Nikolai’s perfect face flashed with his own panic for the briefest second, fast enough that she might have just imagined it, and then he broke into one of his charming smiles. “‘Course not.”

That was how Zoya found herself in Nikolai’s bed a few hours later, the damned thing too small for any real space between them. She knew they were sharing the same thoughts. He could offer to take the floor, but then their friends would know something was off. And when Mal ended up leaving his bed to go camp in the woods for the night, they let Mikhael, who had given up his bed to Nadia, jump into it. Both of them pretending they were fine, that they might get any sleep like this. Neither of them had spoken much tonight, let alone the last two weeks, besides casual greetings and Zoya’s usual snide remarks in group settings to keep up pretenses. Nothing of the suffocating weight that had been crushing their relationship since New Year’s Eve.

While most college freshmen she knew had spent the night getting wasted, Zoya had worked a double and was so exhausted, she hadn’t even made it to midnight before passing out. She had woken up to a missed call and a voicemail from a very drunk Nikolai.

“Hi Zoya, it’s Nikolai!” He paused to laugh. “Guess you know that. Happy New Year! I’m so drunk.” Another pause, the sound of the phone hitting the ground as he dropped it, muffled music somewhere in the distance. “Oops, dropped the phone. Fuck, I had a really shitty night. My father won’t stop getting on me about choosing a major already, but he can piss off, because he wants me to do business and follow in his footsteps, but god I’d rather jump off this mountain. Did I mention I’m on a mountain? Nothing crazy, just snow and skiing and rich people nonsense. Anyway.” Another pause, accompanied with a hiccup. “You’re probably wondering why I called and I don’t know I just — It’s New Years and my family is pissing me off and the people at this party suck and I just want to kiss you. That’s what you do on New Years, right? You kiss someone. But I didn’t kiss anyone, ‘cause you’re not here. And if you were here, it still wouldn’t be right, ‘cause I don’t want to kiss you like in Bora Bora or camp last summer. I want to kiss you and shout about it to the world. I want to kiss you because you’re mine. I want it to mean something. I want—”

Zoya never learned what else he wanted, because the messaging system cut him off. She had listened to that voicemail about a hundred times since then, still not knowing what the fuck to say or feel. Exactly two messages had passed between them the next morning, and not a single one since.

nikolai: sorry, ignore the vm. was rather plastered, haha

zoya: right, ok

Now she had her back pressed to his front as if nothing had happened. When Genya popped up, apparently unable to sleep either, and suggested they go check on Alina, Zoya thanked the damn saints.

That is, until they barged in only to find Mal standing in nothing but his boxers, constraining an insane erection (wow, he was bigger than she’d guessed) and Alina hiding under the covers, clearly naked. Zoya was going to kill them.

“You little liar!” she spat. “You conned us out of our beds so you could get dicked down?!”

Genya seemed thrilled at the turn of events, and maybe Zoya would be too, if she wasn’t spending her night pressed against the chest of the boy who had confessed to — to something and left her brain endlessly screaming about it since.

Her anger at Alina and anxiety about returning to Nikolai’s bed must have shown on her face as they left their cabin behind, because Genya stopped them before they could reach the boys’.

“All right, what’s going on with you?”

“Yeah, come on Zoya, you should be happy for them,” Nadia said. “I mean, the plan worked.”

“I know it did and I am happy for them!”

Genya raised a brow. “Yes, you sound so very happy.”

Zoya let out a frustrated huff, and right there in the middle of the night, she finally spilled about everything that had happened between her and Nikolai. They knew about the friends with benefits kind of situation they had going on last summer, but in addition to not telling them about the voicemail, she had never mentioned Bora Bora, either.

“What the fuck, Nazyalensky!” Nadia whisper-yelled when she finished.

“You’ve been keeping all of this in for two years?!”

Zoya shrugged. So Alina wasn’t the only one with a secret. She had never shared what had come between her and Oretsev in the first place, after all.

“I can’t believe he took you to Bora Bora,” Nadia moaned. “Missing out on Nikolai is now the only time I’ve regretted being a lesbian.”

Genya patted Nadia’s back in comfort, but said, “And y’all never talked about the voicemail? Seriously?”

Zoya groaned. “Can we please talk about this tomorrow? It’s like, one in the morning.”

They agreed, albeit whining as they did, and when they made it back into the boys’ cabin, Zoya climbed into Mikhael's bed with Nadia.

The next morning, the three of them kicked Mal out of their cabin bright and early.

“Seriously?” he groaned.

“Sorry, dude,” Nadia said. “Girl emergency.”

He and Alina shared a hesitant look before Mal dropped a careful kiss to her lips, as if he hadn’t been railing her a few hours ago, and left.

Alina watched him go, then turned to the three of them with a growl. “Okay, I know I lied, but you had to kick him out so early?”

“Surprisingly, this isn’t about you, though we will get back to that.” Genya sat cautiously on her bed, as if the bodily fluids might have jumped from Alina’s bed over to hers. “Zoya shared some very interesting news with us last night.”

With a sigh, Zoya relayed the story all over again. The next hour was just a lot of screaming about the free trip to Bora Bora and Nikolai’s — in Alina’s words — very obvious love confession, which resulted in the three of them telling her she was the last person allowed to speak on obvious love.

“This all comes down to two things,” Genya said as they got ready, since they still had campers to take care of today. “How do you feel about him, and what are you going to do about it?”

Both were valid questions, but Zoya scowled anyway.

In true Zoya fashion, she spent the next week thinking about her answer. Every time the girls bugged her about it, she glared until they shut up. But it was good that they knew, because they helped her avoid him when she needed to, not that Nikolai was making it hard. She supposed her ditching him for Nadia’s bed hadn’t been very encouraging.

When she finally came to a conclusion, Zoya switched shifts with Dubrov one afternoon so that she was working one on one with Nikolai. Considering the shift in question, Dubrov had been more than happy to trade places.

The spot Zoya and Nikolai had found themselves in was shitty, so there really was no better place to finally have it out with each other than the horse stables on mucking duty.

When she reached the stables, Nikolai was already at work.

“‘Bout time you got here, Dubrov,” he said without looking up. “I was going to bring some horse shit back to the cabin for you if you didn’t — Oh.” He had finally looked up. “You’re not Dubrov.”

“No,” she said. “Not Dubrov. I switched shifts with him.”

Nikolai blinked. “You took mucking duty on purpose.”

“Yes.”

“Zoya would-die-before-letting-a-horse-sniff-her Nazyalensky chose—”

“Yes,” she growled. “And if you don’t shut up, I’m going to push you into the shit you're scooping.”

Nikolai shut up after that, and minutes passed as they worked in silence.

Unsurprisingly, Nikolai was the first to break it. “Why are you here, Zoya?” he asked quietly, as if he was scared of the answer.

Zoya swallowed the lump in her throat. “We can’t keep going on like this. Pretending New Years didn’t happen.”

“No, I suppose we can’t.”

She cleared her throat. “Nikolai—”

But he cut her off. “Must we do this here? Break my heart, Nazyalensky. Just don’t do it while I’m standing in a pile of literal horse shit.”

Break my heart, Nazyalensky. But the problem wasn’t Nikolai’s heart, it was her own. Zoya had always had a problem with feeling too much, the good and the bad. Her complicated relationship with love only made it worse. She thought of her mother, who’s love Zoya had tried so hard to earn only to come up short again and again. Aunt Liliyana, who she had loved more than life itself, taken from her far too soon. The desolation she had felt afterwards, wondering if she could ever dare love someone again. She had no positive examples of romantic love in her life, either. Liliyana had always been single as far as Zoya knew. Her parents had divorced, and Zoya could only ever watch as her mother brought toxic and abusive men into their home again and again. She wasn’t sure she even believed in love, or if she deserved it.

But then she thought of the people here at Keramzin. Of Genya and David, a couple that made no logical sense, but her gorgeous friend looked at the genius boy as if he personally hung the stars in the sky. Nadia, writing her love letters to her girlfriend back home. Even Mal and Alina, as oblivious they had been, were so clearly in love they were sickening to look at. They were all young, so maybe none of them would make it in the end, but wasn’t love still worth something even if it didn’t last a lifetime? Could she have something like what her friends had?

I am Zoya Nazyalensky, and I am worthy.

Zoya stalked across the stables and pulled Nikolai — pompous, entitled, infuriating Nikolai — into a fierce kiss.

Once he got past his shock, Nikolai kissed her back with just as much force. The tension between them finally snapped now that she had made her decision. They didn’t need to talk about it, Nikolai just knew. He always knew. This kiss was the answer to the voicemail she had never given him. Nikolai had wanted to kiss her. He’d wanted it to mean something.

And Zoya wanted it, too.

“Fuck, Nazyalensky,” Nikolai breathed between kisses, taking her bottom lip between his teeth. Zoya hummed her approval. “If we hurry . . .”

She understood, so as hard as it was to pull away, she did. They worked as if their lives depended on cleaning out the stables as fast as humanly possible. Had they not been literally handling shit for the past twenty minutes, Zoya would have gone straight to Nikolai’s cabin. Instead, she went to her own, aware of each passing minute as she changed and washed up.

Zoya had only taken one step into the boys’ cabin five minutes later before Nikolai pounced. Closing the cabin door, he pushed Zoya against it and kissed her like a starving man. She moaned against his lips, the surprise and force of it sending heat straight to her core. Her hands found his golden hair, his hands found her ass, and though they had been here before, it felt different. Besides being completely sober, the difference was in the way they held each other, like they had no plans of letting go. It was the way they kissed, desperate and deep, but knowing there were so many more on the horizon.

Nikolai scooped her into his arms, bringing her to the bed. The lack of space was no issue now. His lips started their descent down her neck, and she knew from experience that her makeup routine would have an extra step for the rest of the summer.

“I don’t know how much time we have before the guys get back,” he murmured. Zoya nodded, ready to tell him he’d better hurry up and fuck her then, when Nikolai continued, “But I’m still going to take my time licking you until you scream.”

Oh.

Clothes were discarded, and Nikolai moved down her body, murmuring about how he couldn’t wait to mark every inch of her. Then he was between her thighs, and quickly made good on his promise. Zoya couldn’t believe his tongue could be this good at something other than talking about himself.

“Fuck me,” she groaned.

Nikolai popped his head up. “All in due time, darling.”

Growling, she pushed his head back down, and before she knew it, she was screaming into his pillow as her orgasm quite literally left her shaking.

Nikolai shifted, but before he could crawl back over her, Zoya used her weight to push him onto his back, taking her place on top. He still had his damned boxers on, so she quickly fixed that problem. His cock sprang free, and god, she could be drooling for all she knew. Never would she let him know that she mentally referred to his member as massive.

Needing to taste him, Zoya dipped her head and dragged her tongue up the length of him. Nikolai swore, then swore some more as she sucked him into her mouth. She would also never admit how much she loved sucking dick. There was something powerful about it that turned her on almost as much as it did the men she took into her mouth.

“Zoya,” Nikolai breathed, and she understood the warning in his tone. With a sigh, she let him fall from between her lips with an audible pop. Their limited time meant she’d have to wait until next time to let him spill inside her mouth. Shame.

Nikolai supplied a condom from his bedside drawer and Zoya rolled it onto him. Before he could get her on her back, she straddled him, making her intentions clear. He raised a brow, surprised, but didn’t object. Zoya braced one hand on the headboard, the other twining with one of Nikolai’s, and lowered herself onto his cock. They moaned in unison as she took in every inch of him.

Her rhythm started slow but quickly gained speed, her hips rolling and her breathing ragged as she brought herself down on him again and again. As she bounced, so did her tits, and Zoya didn’t miss the way Nikolai kept staring greedily at her chest. When looking wasn’t enough, he sat up as much as he needed to get his mouth on her breast, taking her nipple between his teeth and soothing the bite he gave it with his tongue afterwards. That damned tongue again. When Zoya tired, Nikolai was happy to take over even from underneath her, thrusting his hips against hers over and over.

It was perfect. It was glorious. Zoya was an idiot for waiting three weeks to figure out what she wanted. And she knew she wanted this — not just the fucking, but the exasperating boy beneath her, too. All of him. All of it. She had told Nadia that love was for suckers, and she supposed she should have known that included herself, considering how much she loved giving blowjobs.

It was perfect, until the cabin door opened and in walked Malyen Oretsev. He made it halfway inside before he caught sight of them on Nikolai’s bed and froze.

Nikolai groaned. “Malyen, does your timing always suck so much?”

Mal visibly swallowed, and Zoya realized he was making a concentrated effort not to look at her tits. Maybe she should be embarrassed, but she wasn’t. Smirking, she said, “Payback’s a bitch, Oretsev. Now scram and tell everyone else to stay gone for a while, too.”

He nodded, still avoiding even the smallest glance in her direction, and ran out the door faster than she thought him possible.

Nikolai sighed. “Did that ruin the mood for you?”

In answer, Zoya lifted herself until only the very tip of him was inside of her, then took all of him in one swoop. Their moans mingled once more.

Breathing hard, she asked, “What do you think?”

Nikolai moved so suddenly, Zoya didn’t have time to process it until she was flat on her stomach. Behind her, Nikolai slammed his full length into her so hard, so deep that she thought she might come from that one thrust alone. He leaned forward, letting most of his weight settle onto her, pinning her down. It was oddly comforting.

Lips beside her ear, Nikolai whispered, “I think that I’m never going to have enough of this. I’m never going to have enough of you, Zoya Nazyalensky.”

Her twelve year old self never would have believed it, but she didn’t think she’d ever have enough of Nikolai Lantsov, either.

  One Year Later

It was the start of the summer holiday, and for the first time in seven years, Zoya wasn’t making her way to Keramzin. Instead, she was lazing on the sofa in the flat she shared with her arrogant, spoiled (and funny and smart and a bunch of other things she would never admit out loud), always infuriating boyfriend.

Said boyfriend strolled into the living room, handing a piece of mail to her. “Looks like the lovebirds made it to Russia safely.”

Zoya groaned as she read the postcard written in Alina’s neat handwriting, the only evidence of Mal being with her the sloppy signature next to hers. “They just got there and they’re already sending out postcards? Saps.”

“Absolute saps,” Nikolai agreed, lifting her legs to make room for himself beside her, letting her feet settle nicely on his lap.

After a stressful second year of university and having their first summer outside of Keramzin, they planned to do absolutely nothing all break long. Except they both had internships starting next week. Nikolai had settled on an engineering major, though he was still dabbling on what to do for his minor. Zoya was studying climate science and had an internship with the local news station’s weather team, though she had no intention of being the kind of meteorologist that reported the forecast for the masses each night. How dull.

Nikolai had given his father an ultimatum at the end of camp last summer. He would stay at the university his father had chosen for him if and only if he accepted his choice to pursue engineering — and let Zoya move into the flat. Otherwise, he was withdrawing and enrolling into Zoya’s uni, which was not exactly the first, or hundredth, choice of the wealthier class.

Surprisingly, his father had agreed, but the joke was on him. Nikolai was never going to switch universities, because Zoya was transferring to his. Not in the name of something as sappy as romance, but because it had an outstanding climate science program and — most importantly — her excellent grades and extracurricular activities had earned her quite the hefty scholarship.

But at least for this first week of the summer, they were staying in their flat, vegging out as they caught up on Netflix and fucking until their neighbors complained on NextDoor.

“Should we do pizza tonight?” he asked, gently rubbing the soles of her feet.

Before she could answer, her phone rhythmically buzzed on the table. A FaceTime call from Genya. When Zoya went to answer it, Nikolai frowned. “I thought you didn’t do unplanned FaceTime calls.”

“It’s Genya,” Zoya said, as if that explained everything.

The red haired girl’s face filled the screen, albeit a little grainy from the less than stellar reception at Keramzin. She could see David beside her, nose in a book as usual.

“Guess what!” she whisper-yelled, a grin on her pretty face.

“Botkin has finally admitted his past as a secret ninja assassin?” Nikolai piped up from beside her. Zoya scowled in his direction.

“Oh, hi Nikolai. And no. Look!” Genya flipped the camera, and two children came into view, a boy and a girl studying a piece of paper together. From the look of it, they were in the crafts room.

“I haven’t forgotten what twelve year old campers look like, Genya.”

She turned the camera back so Zoya could see her eye roll. “No, smart ass. It’s Alina’s map!” Genya whispered the last part, apparently not wanting the kids to hear her. “She must have left it for a camper to find. And I swear, these two are like Malina incarnate.”

“Oretskov,” Zoya and Nikolai said together.

Genya very casually flipped them off. “Anyway, I wish y’all could see them. Running off into the woods and all that shit they used to do. It’s uncanny.”

Zoya shook her head. “No thanks, living that storyline once was enough for me.”

Nikolai, always thinking of the important things, asked, “Hey, what’s our couple name?”

“Zoyalai,” said Genya and an off-screen Nadia in unison. The latter continued, “And don’t try to give us shit about it, because there’s no way you’re coming up with something better out of Nazyalensky and Lantsov.”

Nikolai frowned. “Nazyalsov? Lantensky?”

Zoya wrinkled her nose. “Okay, fine, you guys win this round.”

She couldn’t deny it. Zoyalai had a nice ring to it.

[obxdrewseph]

Hard to Love - Rafe Cameron

Description: Pushing away people came easy to you. You pushed away your friends when they urged you to get out more and you pushed away your family when they urged you to eat more. You felt like a burden to everyone and you didn’t want that. You were hard to love with your harsh attitude and pickiness. Once Rafe Cameron, your new friend and classmate, tries to convince you to give him a chance, you wonder what it would mean to be a girlfriend-- someone who gives love and receives it... you wonder: are you even capable of being loved? 

so this is sort of a continuation of High Maintenance, but also can be read as a standalone? I thought it would be interesting to explore the romantic relationship that didn’t get to develop in that fic ... so here ya go! :D

--------

Being your friend was hard, but being your boyfriend was much harder (not that you had one yet, just for future reference). 

Being your friend was hard because you cancelled plans last minute because of chronic pain/aching or because you were going through a depressive episode that made you unable to socialize. 

No one talks about the mental side of physical pain. 

Trust me, you wouldn’t be nice either if you were hungry half of the day and in pain the other half. 

You didn’t want your diet to define you, yet it was like you revolved your entire life around your meal times. 

You pushed your friends away who wouldn’t do enough research on your condition. You obviously didn’t expect them to look up everything about it, but when they gave you food you couldn’t eat or asked you to go on hikes you couldn’t trek without feeling dizzy (or even fainting), you couldn’t help but distance yourself. 

You didn’t want to share all your negativity with them; they didn’t deserve that. 

You were used to being the rock of your group; not exactly the mom friend, but the happy, funny friend everyone went to for a laugh or to have fun. You weren’t the one with problems. You didn’t get to be that person. 

You didn’t want to be that person. 

“I’m a fucking idiot!” You shouted at no one in particular.

“We know!” 

You glared at the girl standing in the hallway who happened to be your best friend and your house mate. You and 3 other girls decided to stay in apartment together for your freshman year and you never regretted your decision. You could never live in the dorms with people making noise all day and night. 

You were already agitated all the time. 

“Go away, Ames.” 

The girl sighed. 

“I made some rice krispies. Do you want some?” 

Yes.

“No. I’m not hungry.” 

That was a lie. 

“Ok, well then why are you so upset today?” 

You paused, wondering if you should confide in her. Despite you guys being best friends, you never truly felt like you could confide in anyone. It was a fucking miracle that you spilled so much to Rafe Cameron, a boy you never thought would become one of your best friends. You honestly thought he would leave you the second you got off that wooden bench, yet you two hang out all the time.

You decided to give her a lighthearted version of what you were feeling.

“I’m not it’s just... random question: am I high maintenance?” You asked finally.

The girl snorted. 

“Yeah, everyone knows that.” 

Your heart sank. You were starting to hate that joke. You knew you had a lot of dietary restrictions and people had to work around what you ate, and before you didn’t mind that, but now you hated when people did that for you. 

You just wanted people to stop asking you out to eat or asking you to hang out. You just wanted people to leave you alone. 

“Fuck you.” You said laughing, it was fake. But she didn’t need to know that.

“Whatever, is that all you wanted to ask?” 

“Nope, I wanted to ask are you still having your bachorlette party next Saturday?”

“Yup, you better be there! No ditching me for whoever old lady author you wanted to see.”

You bristled at her harsh tone and flinched when she slammed your door shut so that you couldn’t argue with her. 

You heard her soft footsteps fade away which allowed you to slip back into your negative feelings. 

All you could think about is that if your best friend didn’t even want to deal with you or fully understand you, how could anyone else? 

---------

“Hello~ Earth to y/n?”

A black line skitted across your face, snapping you out of your trance. You swatted at the pencil floating in front of your face with an angry look.

You were currently in the library, working hard on your essay that seemed like it would never end.

“What do you want?” You snapped.

You were in the middle of focusing your attention on a small dot at the back of the room. You did this to try to take your attention off of the discomfort in your stomach. You wouldn’t exactly call it pain, but it didn’t feel great.

The poor boy’s eyes drooped at your anger.

“Um, sorry you just were spacing out.”

“Well, don’t interrupt my space outs.”

“Got it.”

Why were you being so mean? You never were like this before you got diagnosed. You were so irritable all the time and felt anger build up in you faster than expected.

It wasn’t fair to the boy sitting across from you.

Rafe Cameron.

The boy was dedicated, you could give him that.

You didn’t expect much from the obviously Southern boy who sat next to you in a Shakespeare class. You felt like you were sitting on pins and needles until Rafe started talking to you; you didn’t know why you took a male-dominant class. You weren’t used to talking to guys so often, but you wanted to push yourself. Get out of your comfort zone you embraced so much in high school.

After he apologized for being a dick about eating standards, you easily started to fall for him a bit more.

But that didn’t matter.

His feelings wouldn’t last.

They never did.

“Um, are you okay?” Rafe finally said. You wanted to snap at him once again, but when you saw his concerned blue eyes, you lost your bite. 

You forced a smile. “I’m fine, just a bit tired.” If you had a nickel for every time you gave that excuse, you’d be a billionaire.

“Oh, then we should finish here.”

“No!”

You said abruptly. He lifted a brow.

“No?”

When he saw your face turn a soft pink color, his eyes lit up and he softly bit his lip. He knew what he did to you.

“Um... no, it’s ok. I can still study. I’m ... I’m mostly just upset because I wanted to go to this book signing that’s like a week from now, but I have to go to my friend’s bachelorette party. I really love this author, but I won’t get to see her and she rarely goes on tour... But it’s fine, I’ll get over it and studying helps me keep my mind off things.” You shrugged. 

Yes, your friends were getting married that young. You simultaneously loved and hated your friends. You seemed to always be dropping things you loved for them, but you knew they wouldn’t do the same for you. 

Your friends were great to live with, harder to be friends with. Plus, two were avid bakers and another was an aspiring chef. You hated all of the temptations of their baked goods. 

He laughed at your nerdy confession which rubbed you the wrong way. He stopped laughing when he saw your dark expression.

“Sorry, I was only laughing because I totally get that. There are some authors that just leave an impact on you and you would die to meet them. And plus, those parties are lame. All they do is drink and drink and drink, which you can’t do because it’s not on the low fodmap diet.” 

Well, boy definitely did his research. 

“Exactly! Finally, someone who understands.” You turned your head away so he wouldn’t see you blush-- it wasn’t because you were shy, but it always happened when you got excited about something. 

He nodded and saw your head wobble. A sharp pain fluttered through your head. You probably needed to eat something. 

“Are you... hungry?” The boy said hesitantly.

This got you in the mood to be mean again.

“No, I’ll tell you when I get hungry, Rafe.”

The bite in his words made him move away from you. You hated this. You wanted someone to comfort you, but you pushed everyone away.

Self-sabotage was your middle name.

--------

You felt a warm hand softly tap your shoulder. 

“Library closes in less than 10 minutes.” Rafe whispered to you. 

Shit, I fell asleep. 

You lifted your head and saw the once full library empty out. 

“Shit. I fell asleep.” You said your thoughts. 

Rafe chuckled. God, you loved his laugh so much.

“Yeah, I know. You look cute when you sleep.” 

You smiled, but can’t believe you fell asleep in public. You weren’t the type to let your guard down so easily. When did you get this tired? When did you become this weak?

You felt your stomach rumble silently, signaling your hunger. 

“Um, do you wanna get out of here and get some food?” 

You began to say no, but he stopped you.

“Ok, let me ask that once again, do you want to get out of here and I can cook you food?” 

You felt anxiety build up in your chest. You never trusted other people to cook for you. You had this irrational fear that people would deliberately try to sabotage your meals, but truly people just didn’t know what you can and can’t eat. 

“Uh... you know.”

“Yes, I know, strict diet. I’ll look it all up to be safe.” 

You were going to say no, but you wanted this so badly. You just wanted to hang out with a really cute and nice guy without feeling abnormal. It was almost 11pm, but you weren’t going to pass up the chance to hang out with him.

“Ok, take me to your place.”

-------

His apartment was dark and organized. You tried not to laugh at the display of books on the ground... you definitely needed to get him a bookshelf. 

“Do the books feel better on the ground or something?” You teased. 

“Yup, they need their sleep too.” 

He nudged you on the shoulder to let you know he was joking. 

“Oh, and watch the hiking supplies. I went last weekend and haven’t had time to clean it up since I’m going on Sunday again.” 

Hiking... 

“You like to hike?” 

The boy nodded, his face brightening. “Yup, I’m an outdoorsy kind of guy. Love hiking, going to the beach, sports, all that jazz.” 

You nodded, not relating to any of that. 

You looked around, but realized there were only two doors, and one leading to the bathroom. 

“Oh, you live alone?” 

You fiddled with the hem of your shirt nervously.

“Yeah... is that ok?” He asked softly. 

Yes, yes, it’s more than ok.

“Of course! It’s just I don’t know many sophomores who live alone.” 

What you meant to say is you didn’t know many sophomores who could afford to live alone. JJ always joked about Rafe being rich, but you weren’t aware of the extent of his wallet. 

He chuckled. “Yeah well, it’s easier to focus on my studies this way. No distractions.” 

You nodded. You would live alone if you could afford it. 

“Got it. Perfect for the ladies too, right?” You winked. 

Rafe choke on air. You enjoyed flustering the usually confident Mr. Cameron. 

“God, um, I don’t know how to respond to that.” 

You shrugged. “Can’t deny the facts.” 

He gave you a gentle look. “Y/n, you’re the first girl I’ve had in here since my last girlfriend.” Your jaw dropped.

“Really? You haven’t had a single girl in here for... a month?” 

“Unless you count my little sister, then yup.” 

“How does a guy as hot as you not bring a single lady friend here for over a month?” He let out a strangled laugh.

“You think I’m hot?” 

“I know you’re hot. And you know you’re hot.” 

The pink blush that formed on his face made you want to run over and kiss his cheeks. 

But friends didn’t do that. 

“Well, I guess... I guess I’ve been waiting for the special girl to come along.” 

He gave you a look you couldn’t quite decipher. 

“Yes, I’m the most special girl in your life, right?” You teased, trying to be nonchalant about the tension in the room. 

He just smiled at you. 

“So! What are you cooking?” You said, changing the subject. 

This distracted him. “Well, I have leftovers from yesterday... I have rice noodles with chicken broth--”

“Um, I can’t eat pre-made chicken broth.” You interrupted before he could get too excited. Thankfully, you hadn’t gotten your hopes up about eating much at his place. People could rarely accommodate to your needs. 

“Oh don’t worry, I made the chicken stock last night with... a real chicken. So it’s not out of a box.” He opened his fridge and you saw a cooked chicken that was sitting there. “See?” 

You paused and evaluated the situation. 

“So... you made chicken pho?” You said blankly. 

He blushed. “Yeah, yeah I did.” 

You thought back to that night. That night when you confessed to him your deepest and insecurities. 

You yelled at him about how you basically only ate Asian food exclusively. 

“Did... Rafe... Ok, if I didn’t know any better, I would say that you expected me to come over today. Unless you just happened to have IBS friendly food.” 

You were joking, well half-joking. You guys always met on Thursday nights to study, so he knew you would be hanging out then. You hated the excitement and fondness filling in your chest; it would be only a matter of time before you pushed him away. Or until he left. Whichever came first.

His face was red now. “Um, I may have anticipated it.” 

Oh God, your heart was so full right now. You didn’t even want the food anymore, you just wanted him. 

But he had put great effort into this. You had to eat it.

“Thank you.” You whispered. 

He shrugged off your words. “It’s no biggie, I know I see you Thursdays and we always study pretty late.” 

You set the table while he dipped the noodles in water to cook them. He made two bowls, one being larger than the other. He remembered that you rarely ate big meals. 

As soon as he set your food down, you realized he had to watch you eat. And you had to make conversation while eating. You hated talking and eating. 

And you got a lot of gas while you ate. Shit. This was a bad idea. 

You pushed those thoughts aside and took a sip of the soup. 

It was amazing. 

“This is really good.” 

He smiled widely. “Thanks, I tried my best.” 

Thankfully, you didn’t have to talk much while you ate. The TV served as a good distraction to that. When you finished your bowl, you waited for the pain to hit you. You felt your stomach gurgle around and you clenched your fists to avoid the pain. 

You had good and bad stomach days. Some days you could go the whole day without feeling any pain, but then you had days where you ate any food and felt a mild discomfort and had to lay in bed. 

You felt a mild discomfort, but it faded quickly enough. Thank God, a good stomach day.

After you both finished eating, Drew put both the bowls in the sink. You tried to do the dishes, but he wouldn’t let you. 

“Thanks for the meal again.” You said, anxious to leave.

It wasn’t eating that was the worst part of IBS, it was the anxiety afterwards. You were always nervous that your stomach would flare up hours after you eating, which it sometimes did if you ate something not IBS friendly. 

“You’re always welcome here.” 

You checked your phone. “Um, it’s getting late. I should go.” You turned to leave, but he caught your wrist softly. 

“Wait, y/n.” 

You stopped and turned to face him. He looked nervous as he was still holding your hand gently. 

“Yeah?” You tried to say casually, but you were now extremely anxious for a reason besides food.

He let go of your wrist to brush his fingers through his hair. You loved his messy hair. 

“Um, ok, well... ok I’m just gonna say it.”

“Say it then.” You said out of habit. He glared at you, but you knew he didn’t mean it.

“Fine, well, you’re... you’re really fun to hang out with. Do you want to... go out with me sometime?” 

“We go out together all the time.” You said stupidly. 

He let out a strangled laugh. “Yeah but... like ... as a date.” 

Your heart stopped. 

“A date.” 

“Yes, a date, if you want.” 

A date? What could you both possible do on a date? You hated eating at restaurants, you can’t go hiking or backpacking because who knew when your symptoms would pop in and you were stuck on a mountain with no bathrooms and nowhere to sit. Not to mention, you didn’t eat much so you got lightheaded easily. You weren’t compatible. You would just be a burden to him. 

“y/n?” You almost forgot you were in the middle of a conversation.

You looked up at his pretty blue eyes that were full of hope. You couldn’t do this to him. You couldn’t hold him back like that.

“I... I’m sorry, Rafe... I can’t.” His face fell. “You’re an awesome guy, I swear to God you’re the best guy I’ve ever met. But... you just... we’re just... we’re just different.” 

That was a cop out answer and you knew it. 

“Different.” He echoed. 

You nodded. 

He paused, like he was wondering whether to keep talking to you or just kick you out. You wouldn’t blame him if he chose the latter. 

He then laughed bitterly. 

“That’s bullshit, y/n and you know it.” 

His harsh answer stunned you.

“What are you talking about?” You bristled. Now you were irritated.

“Oh, c’mon, you know I like you, and I know you like me. You can’t ignore what we have.” 

“We’re just friends, Rafe. Just friends.” 

“But I want more.” He said sadly. 

You were on the brink of tears too. 

“I do too.” You blurt. 

“Then why-”

“Because Rafe! You want to go out and do things. You want to treat your girlfriend like a princess-- you’ve said that to me before. And you just can’t do that for me because it’s not possible.

He scoffed. “What do you mean by that? You think you’re undeserving of love? Are you trying to say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’?” He was angry, and he had a right to be. You were running him in circles and you felt bad. 

“That’s not it! I just--” You felt your legs becoming weak, you could never stand for too long, especially in a heated conversation like this. 

“Y/n? Do you need to sit down?” 

You nodded as he was already guiding you to his couch. 

“Finish what you were saying earlier.” He said softly. God, you hated how kind he was to you even during an argument. You were trying to push him away!

“Right, well, I don’t think I’m undeserving of love, but it’s too hard to love me.” 

“What does that even mean?”

“It means, you don’t know how to love me! You can’t take me on dates-- I hate eating at restaurants which is a normal date, so you can cross that off your list of fancy dinners or whatever. I can’t go hiking because what if my stomach starts to hurt on the mountain? And you just fucking saw me getting woozy standing and talking for you too long while arguing. I’ll just be a burden to you.” 

He grabbed my hands and forced me to look at him. 

“Listen to me. You will never, ever, be a burden to me. Got that?” 

His voice was low and pained, like it hurt him for you to think about yourself like that. You didn’t need his pity so you pulled away from his hands.

“You don’t deserve someone who can’t do all the things you love.” 

“Relationships are all about compromise, y/n. I can do those things with my friends.” 

You shook your head.

“Rafe, you’re a great guy. Too good if I might add. And I’m so picky about everything. When I’m mad at you one day and you want to make it up to me, you can’t buy me chocolates or ice cream or whatever. For anniversaries, you can’t just take me out to a fancy restaurant. There might be a day where you run out of tricks and you’ll realize how hard it is to love me.” You laughed bitterly. 

“I can learn what makes you feel good. I can learn how to love you--”

“You can’t learn how to love me! I don’t even know how to love myself!” You shouted. 

A deafening silence washed over the room. 

I don’t even know how to love myself.

The honesty in your own answer made you cry.

How could anyone love you when didn’t even know how to love yourself? You didn’t even know how to make yourself happy. You didn’t know how to spoil yourself. You lived your life just to get by. 

How sad. 

“I’m sorry Rafe, I just can’t do this.”

This time, he just nodded. 

He’d already given up.

----------

Around two weeks had gone by since Rafe asked you out and you embarrassed yourself. You had never been the type to be so negative or so insecure. You hated what you had become. 

You hated how you felt some sort of relief when Rafe let you go. He grabbed you an uber and you went home. 

You both were ignoring the obvious conversation that needed to happen, but it was better this way. You were back to being the chatty girl in his English class and he was back to being the guy who laughed at all of your jokes. Normal. Everything was back to normal. 

“Sup, y/n, how’s it goin’?” 

You tried not to look surprised as JJ Maybank said hi to you. 

You two weren’t exactly friends, but you were friendly to one another. Yes, he could be a dick sometimes, but he was clueless about it.

“Oh hey, it’s going good so far. How about you?” 

“He and his ‘girlfriend’ got into a fight yesterday and needs advice.” Pope blurted. You tried not to laugh at the bluntness of his friend. 

JJ hit the boy. “Dude!”

“Hey, she was going to figure it out soon enough. You can’t shut up about it.” Their banter was always fun to watch. 

“What are you guys talking about?” Rafe asked when he sat down. 

“JJ got into a fight with his ‘girlfriend’”. You made sure to use the same air quotes like Pope. 

“Yes, thank you for embarrassing me further.” You shrugged. 

“It’s not like Rafe knows her.” 

JJ sighed and adjusted his hat to hide his tired face. 

You grew soft on the poor guy. “What kind of advice do you need, JJ?” 

JJ looked at you with sad eyes, but hopped right into his story. 

“Well, so this girl I’m into, she’s this big city girl. Grew up in Los Angeles, and you know me, I grew up in a small town in Alaska. We’re just so... different. She likes doing all this city girl stuff like going to the malls and just walking around a crowded town which is so different from me who didn’t even have a big mall where I was at and you could walk miles without running into another person. 

“I just don’t know how to keep up with her all the time... and she’s rich so she has to go to these fancy events. She told me I had to dress up if I wanted to meet her parents. 

“And she doesn’t like to be on the water ‘cause she gets seasick. And I practically lived on the water when I was in Alaska! What should I do?”

You paused, taking in his situation. 

You heard Rafe scoff. 

“Dude, it’s fucking obvious. Man the fuck up and buy better clothes and learn how to hold all of her shopping bags. Isn’t it obvious?” 

JJ nodded, like this made sense.

You nudged Rafe harshly. “What are you talking about? JJ, you guys sound really different, you have to ask yourself: do I like how I have to change myself to be with her? Am I ok with that? Am I ok with sacrificing things I love to be with this girl?” 

JJ nodded, soaking in your words. 

“Relationships are about compromise.” You rolled your eyes at these familiar words. “If you really like her, you are going to be willing to change.” 

“You shouldn’t have to change for someone else.” 

“Everyone should change, it’s good for the soul. Staying static is boring.” 

“Guys, guys,” JJ stopped you and Rafe. 

“Ok, I get both points. But, I do really like her. I’ve been pining after her for a while now and... and I don’t know, I just want to win her heart over. She’s already starting to push me away because she also doesn’t want me to change who I am. But I’m willing to put in the extra effort.”

“See? Putting in extra effort to impress the girl he likes, that’s what you should do.” Rafe commented. 

You grit your teeth. 

“I agree, JJ, you should always try to be better in a relationship. If she’s pushing you away because of her own fears, that only means you need to work harder.” Pope noted. 

“Or maybe she’s right, maybe you shouldn’t push people to make them feel like a burden to you. Maybe she just wants the best for you because she obviously knows you very well!”

“Maybe he wants to challenge himself because he wants her to feel safe and comfortable around him!” Rafe raised his voice. 

“Maybe he just wants to do that because of his ego.” You said with an equally angry tone. 

“Or maybe he wants to do that because he loves her!” Rafe slammed his hands on the desk and suddenly the room was silent. 

“Um... are you guys good?” JJ whispered, his problems now forgotten. 

--------

Because he loves her.

Loves her.

Love. 

Was Rafe still talking about the hypothetical JJ in this situation or was he talking about himself? 

Because you knew you were talking about yourself. 

Was he doing the same? 

You sprinted out of that classroom once your professor dismissed you. 

“Y/n, wait.” 

You paused outside the door. If you left, it would make you look mighty suspicious. If you stayed, then you could pretend everything was ok and that the “argument” you just had wasn’t about yourselves. 

You decided to make a run for it.

Unfortunately, Rafe jumped in front of you before you could leave. 

“Y/n, please. Talk to me.” 

“What? There’s nothing to talk about. JJ can make his own decisions. What a handful of a girl, right?” You tried to step around him, but Rafe kept blocking you. “Move-”

“We need to talk and I have a class soon. Meet me at my apartment when your classes end, ok?” 

You hesitated, but the desperation in his eyes made it hard for you to say no. 

“Ok.”

-------

Rafe’s apartment wasn’t too far of a walk from campus, plus you took the bus for part of the way. You secretly ate a bowl of rice with beef and broccoli before going just in case he didn’t have any more pho left at his apartment. 

You felt your heart beating out of control as you plucked up the courage to knock on his door.

“C’mon, you can do this.” You whispered to yourself. You raised your hand to knock, but the door flung open. 

Rafe had been back for a while since he was a morning person and finished his classes before noon. You on the other hand, finished classes at 5pm. No hate in the game, this was college. 

You took in his appearance and looked him up and down. 

He was wearing gray sweatpants with a white tank top and a red flannel over it. He looked too good right now for being casual. Fuck. 

You gulped. “Hey.” 

He gave you a tight smile. “Hey.”

You both stood there awkwardly. 

“Can I come in?”

“Oh shit, yeah, of course.” 

As you stepped into the well-lit apartment, you noticed he was sweaty; it seemed like he just got done with working out. All you wanted to do was to take off that flannel and see what he was hiding underneath. 

“Did you just come from the gym?” You asked nonchalantly. 

He raised a brow at your random question, but nodded. “Yup.”

You both stood in silence for a hot minute, the tension filling the air. You noticed his eyes trailing down your body; you knew you wore tighter clothes up top to try and impress the boy. You didn’t think it would work... but it did. 

“Oh fuck it.” You spat. His eyes grew confused at your sudden outburst, but when you took 3 large steps and grabbed his face, they widened.

“Can I kiss you?” You whispered.

“Please.”

And then you kissed him. 

His lips were soft, but his hands were rough on your body. He pulled you close enough so that your chests touched, making you groan at the contact. He deepened the kiss, teasing you with his tongue. 

“Rafe,” you chanted. You didn’t know what you were asking for, you just wanted him. 

He smiled, moving to kiss you all over your face and your neck. He smoothly pulled you into his bedroom. 

His bedroom was bare; only a bed sat in the middle and one desk to the side of it. You didn’t care, as long as there was a bed in there, that’s all that mattered.

Except you happened to miss a large box near the side of the bed that almost made you hit your head on the wooden floor. 

“Oops.” Rafe caught you before you fell.

“Sorry, I forgot to move those.”

Before he could move them out of sight, you noticed something familiar looking.

“Wait... are these--?”

“Wait-”

You picked up the box before he could stop you. You grew confused staring down at the object inside of it.

“Are these... what I think they are?” 

He ruffled his hair and nodded, trying to hide his red face. “Um, yeah. It’s... yeah.” He finished lamely.

You looked down and gently traced your fingers across the extravagant book covers. When you looked inside, they were all signed by your favorite author with a cute message. You felt tears well up in your eyes. 

“You went to the book signing.” You said numbly. 

He nodded hesitantly. He wasn’t sure how you would react. “I did...I wasn’t sure which book you liked from her so I got all 3.”

He played with the bottom of his flannel, anxiously waiting for your next move. 

You set the books down and pulled him in by his shirt. 

“Kiss me.” 

He paused, but only for a moment before he stripped off his flannel. 

Yes, finally.

He laughed. “You’ve been waiting for this to come off?” Shit, you said that out loud. 

He wasted no time pressing his lips to yours. You clung onto his neck, not being able to get close enough to him. Kissing was great, it was fantastic even. But you wanted more. You gently lifted your hips to meet his, rocking back and forth experimentally. 

He groaned at your movement. “Baby,” He whispered. 

You thought you would hate that pet name. 

You didn’t. 

“Yes?” You teased, planting little kisses on his neck, his collarbone, right under his ear. When he didn’t answer, you tugged him back down to you by his hair. 

You’re sure you had been making out for at least half an hour at this point when suddenly he lifted his head up. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.” 

And you meant it. 

-------

You woke up in the morning with the best sleep you’ve had in years. You immediately turned to your side and saw Rafe still fast asleep. You saw his bare chest move up and down, up and down. It was hypnotic. 

You gently moved your fingers across his chest, soaking in the smoothness of it. The feeling of soft pleasure woke Rafe up. He smiled when he saw your mischievous look. 

“Good morning, gorgeous. How’re ya feelin’?” 

“Hmmm, alright.” 

He gently kissed your shoulder blade. What a tease.

“Only alright?” 

He tried to pull the blankets down to uncover your naked body, but it was the morning and you were still shy. 

You laughed at his attempts to turn you on. 

“Stop, Rafe, you horny ba-”

He then leaned in closely to you and whispered in your ear. 

“If I knew getting you books would get me laid, I would’ve done it years ago.” 

You laughed. 

“You didn’t know me years ago!” 

He gave you a crooked smile. 

“Plus, my love language is receiving gifts, so you got lucky.” 

He shrugged, but his eyes softened when he stared at you longer. 

He pulled you down for another soft kiss. You wanted more, but he pulled away before it could get too racy. 

“Told you I would learn how to love you.” 

[wcsleyevans]

a bit about wesley evans

LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE

Name: wesley roman evans

Eye Color: brown

Hair Style/Color: curly brown short hair

Height: 5′11

Clothing Style: usually something comfortable to wear in a lab - old trainers, jeans and a graphic tee with some sort of science joke on it

Best Physical Feature: smile

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE

Fears: his lies about his research being found out

Bad Habits: obsessing over something for a long time and then forgetting about it, biting his nails

Ambition for the Future: to become a father and raise a future scientist

Biggest regret: how things ended with alexa

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS

First Thoughts Waking Up: "coffee... must. drink. coffee.”

What They Think About the Most: either science fiction or actual science

What They Think About Before Bed: the show he just watched before bed

What They Think Their Best Quality Is: his positivity & ability to help others

LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?

Single or Group Dates: single

To be Loved or Respected: loved

Beauty or Brains: brains

Dogs or Cats: cats

LAYER FIVE: DO THEY?

Lie: yes, a lot of the time. about research, about his feelings towards people, about what he actually wants the most in life

Have scars/birthmarks: a lot of scars from experiments gone wrong. a large burn mark on his arm from a heating block, a big scar from an exploding conical flask, and lots of cuts on his fingers from picking up glass

Believe in Themselves: not really - his research clearly isn’t good enough to get him anywhere so he lies about it

Believe in Love: absolutely. platonic, romantic, familial. all kinds of love

Want Someone: absolutely

LAYER SIX: EVER?

Been on Stage: nope

Done Drugs: no

Changed Who You Were to Fit In: he became a bit closed off and impatient when he decided to change his results in order for no one to suspect him of doing anything wrong. but didn’t change to fit in. if anything, when he met sofia he became more himself

LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES

Favorite Color: emerald green – the colour of bis(N-sec-butylsalicylaldiminato)nickel(II) to be exact. it was the first crystal he every managed to correctly synthesise

Favorite Music: he doesn’t like to admit it, but wes is a big t swift fan

Favorite Animal: cats

Favorite Drink: freshly brewed coffee

Favorite Food: salted popcorn

Favorite Place: his lab

Favorite Sport: he hates sport but if he were to pick one, it would be lacrosse

Favorite Season: autumn

Favorite Holiday: thanksgiving

LAYER EIGHT: IN A BOY OR GIRL

Best Personality: outgoing and extroverted, someone he can talk to about anything even if they don’t understand it

Best Eye Color: doesn’t care

Best Hair Color: doesn’t care

Best thing to do With a Partner: watch sci fi movies and try to ruin the plot by explaining the science. or just sit and talk about nothing, and everything

LAYER NINE: FINISH THE SENTENCE

I love: my work. it’s so cool

I hate: the fact that i might get caught one day

I feel: so lucky to have a best friend like sofia

I hide: my real findings

I miss: how easy the first few years of the academy were

I wish: things had ended differently with alexa. she deserved so much more than she got with me, and i wish she knew just how much that relationship actually meant to me

QUESTIONNAIRE FOR THE MUSE:

What do you look like? (Include body type, frame, hair, eyes, skin, age, and distinguishing features): i’m quite slim, but on the odd occasion i get time off work i go jogging so i guess there’s a bit of muscle definition. i have brown curly hair, brown eyes and tanned skin. my most distinguishing feature is probably my eyes, they’re quite big and expressive

How do you dress most of the time?: i usually wear a graphic tee of some superhero or science joke, jeans and some old shoes that are comfy. oh and also usually a lab coat and goggles, y’know, for science purposes

How do you “dress up”?: i have only ever dressed up once for prom and i wore one of my dad’s old suits that was too big for me. not a good look. but i would wear a nice, fitted suit if i ever had to go to an event that needed one

How do you “dress down”?: joggers and a baggy t-shirt. and fleeces. fleeces were the best thing in scotland as it is freezing up there

What do you wear when you go to sleep?: pyjama bottoms. usually flannel pattern, but i have some in evans tartan which are my favourite thing i own

Do you wear any jewelry?: can’t wear jewellery in the lab unfortunately. too many chemicals and lasers

In your opinion, what is your best feature?: i love how excited and passionate i get about things

How many siblings do you have?: just me bud

What is your father like?: such a supportive guy. he moved us all the way from scotland so that i could go to a better school and become a scientist and for that i’ll be forever grateful. he doesn’t necessarily understand all that i do, but he knows how much it means to me that he’s supportive anyway

What is your mother like?: mum is amazing. she was the head of a firm of accountants in edinburgh and she gave that up so we could move here. she’s so compassionate and kind, and her and dad were made for each other. most supportive parents you can get to be honest

Where do you live? Describe it: Is it messy, neat, avant-garde, sparse, etc.?: i live in a flat in grove harbour by myself. it’s quite spacious as it’s not in the nicest part of town, but i’ve installed cameras, extra security systems and made it really safe. it’s a nice apartment actually. spacious kitchen, cosy living room. it can get messy but mess stresses me out (when it’s not in my lab... that’s a whole different story) so it tends to stay tidy

Are you emotional, depressed, ect?: i’d say i’m an emotional person, sure. luckily i don’t have any mental illnesses.

Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or something else? Why?: i’d say i’m straight, have never thought of guys in that way before but i wouldn’t completely take it off the table. i have been in love with sof since i was about thirteen though and haven’t really though about anyone else other than alexa, so i guess that answers that question

How ticklish are you? Where are you ticklish?: i’m ticklish everywhere. literally everywhere. mainly around my waist, but my feet are super ticklish too

What do you do when you are bored?: i watch old re-runs of sci fi shows, and browse the internet for plotholes. or go see sof. either’s good

What do you envy most?: i envy people advancing in their research. i’ve been at a standstill for months and i don’t know why, and it’s driving me mad

[kidgratitude]

When You’ve Got So Much To Say.

A few days ago, I began down a path that I have started on too many times. It’s that journey that begins when we tell ourselves that we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. We’re going to give up the bad food, and embrace proper eating and exercise. Then about three to six weeks later, we’ve gone right back to square one.

So what makes this journey any different?

The difference is that this time, it’s not me. It’s us. We’re a team now. Me and you. You and I. We’re high-fiving each other at the peaks, and helping each other push through the valleys. I can’t do this without you...or at least, I don’t want to do it without you. This journey is our journey.

If you don’t know about me, let me give you the nickel tour. I’m a professional stand up comedian, and I’ve been overweight damn near my whole adult life. Recently, my wife and I went to an outdoor yoga class, where she took a picture of me. As with most pictures of me, I couldn’t stand what I saw. After about a week of being disgusted, I decided I had to do something about it. Not only that, but I realized that it was finally time to come out of what I called the “Fat Guy Closet”. I needed to admit to everyone, including myself, that I was overweight, and that instead of closing myself off from everybody, I was willing to share my struggle with the world. I posted that picture on Instagram and Facebook, along with a lengthy post, saying all the things that up until now I was afraid to say. After about a ten-minute internal battle, I pushed the “Share” button, and put my call for help out into the universe.    

At that moment, it all changed. Initially, when I made the decision to post on social media, I expected that I would get a few “likes” and maybe some comments from friends wishing me luck. What I got was so much more. It was like this avalanche of support. Hundreds of people were wishing me well, and letting me know that they were in my corner. Friends from all over were letting me know that I could count on them if need be. I got  private messages from people, some of whom I barely knew, telling me their stories. The way they saw it, if I could bare my soul, then they could too. I got advice, motivation, encouragement, and love. Lots and lots of love.

In the midst of all the comments and messages, I noticed a few people who were telling me that if I ever needed a progress buddy, or a workout buddy, or just someone to walk with, then they’d do it. Now, before this, I would have said something like “No, thank you. This is something that I’ve got to do on my own,” or some sort of macho bullshit like that. But the fact was, I put that post out there because I needed help. And when I had people responding who were telling me they were going through the same thing, I figured that maybe they needed help too. So I did a 180, and said yes. You want a workout buddy? You got one! You need a progress buddy? That’s me! Whatever it is, I’m in! As of right now, I’ve got about ten people who I’m making plans with to go for a walk. I’ve got friends who are aerobics instructors, dance instructors, and martial arts instructors inviting me to their classes. People who before I would have never thought about being in touch with have stepped forward to join me in my journey...which has now become our journey.

The best thing I’ve got going for me is a beautiful wife who, so far, has been by my side every step of the way. Before I was brave enough to put myself out there, she could see the pain that I was in, mainly because it had become her pain as well. See, there’s a difference between leaning on someone for support, and smothering them with the weight of your issues. I had been doing the latter, and it got to a point where she could no longer stand it. All along, she had been trying to show me that to be a team player, you have to be well enough to give your all for the team. Unfortunately, my way of thinking was to not bother anyone else with my problems, and try to do everything on my own. What I’ve learned is that by keeping things bottled up, you’re not helping anyone. Instead, you’re just hurting those who are reaching out. In my efforts to be strong and silent, I discovered that I was only silent. To be brutally honest, I’ve caused her a whole lot of unnecessary anguish, and only time will tell if we can repair the damage that’s been done. I’m thankful that she’s chosen to stand beside me.

So with her support, and all of my friends, and everyone on social media, I had this unbelievable amount of energy coming my way. Wouldn’t it be cool, I thought, if we took this energy and kept it moving? I figured that by adding momentum, everybody wins. Again, I put the call out, and something that kept coming back to me was to create a blog. I didn’t know what form this “blog” would take, and to be honest, I wasn’t all that concerned. What I did know is that I wanted to gather all the advice, and all the resources that I was so lucky to receive, and share it with everyone. I wanted to take all the positivity coming my way and send it to someone else.

Also, I needed a cool blogger name.

I wanted something catchy, but then decided that trying to be catchy might take away from the overall objective (which is my way of saying “I couldn’t think of anything catchy.”) Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a big music lover, and that one of my favorite groups is the Beastie Boys. I was mentally filing through their catalog, seeing if anything would fit. At the same time, I was trying to think of what exactly I wanted to say. That it isn’t about losing weight, and to some extent, it really isn’t about me. It’s about the community, and how grateful I am that when I needed help, someone was there for me. The bottom line, at the end of the day, I wanted a name that would convey the gratitude that I felt. And there it was. Gratitude.

Introducing...Kid Gratitude.

[hannahkathryns-blog]

Notebook Entry #5: Getting Lost

FRIDAY:

I hate this. I can’t even get rid of old receipts or department store bags because what if I need something to write on or I decide to catalog my finances from 2015 or I need to carry something but I don’t want to use a nice bag. Then I would be totally screwed, so I usually just stuff everything in a drawer and hope when I need it I remember I put it in the drawer. Then I don’t remember and freak out. And now my mom is probably throwing them away now that I’m out of the house because I can’t beg her not to. But this is not a receipt or a paper bag. This is my necklace. My mom gave it to me for my 18th birthday, she had it handmade by a metal artist on Etsy or somewhere artistic like that. I’ve made thousands of paper cranes and usually I leave them everywhere; every teacher I've ever had in my high school has at least a few on a desk or a shelf somewhere, they’re stuffed in the bottom of my backpack. I found one in my ex boyfriend’s pool once, while we were still dating. But I don’t want to leave this one here. My eyes itch, because I’m lying under a bush, probably looking like a fucking idiot, and i’m allergic to everything that grows. Even nature wants me to get away from here. My eyes are watering, and I can’t tell if it's because I am terrified someone might take one of the most important things I have or because there’s pollen all over me. I put the necklace in a medication bottle because I didn’t want to just leave it in the open; it rains here a lot and I don’t want it to rust. I almost forgot to block the prescription number before I buried it, I had to find a sharpie in the Folk basement and scribble it out so someone doesn’t refill my meds. The bottle is for my Fluoxetine; it’s my anti anxiety medication. Isn’t that ironic.

I just sat up. I really need to leave, I have to meet some people for a group project. I buried the necklace near West Village. I was too afraid to put it any farther away. But it still doesn’t feel good enough.

SATURDAY:

I feel like I lost a finger. Maybe it’s more like a tumor, because my neck feels lighter even though the necklace can’t have weighed more than like an ounce. If I didn’t have a finger, I wouldn’t be able to do stuff, and I can still do things without a necklace. One of my friends who came to visit me from back home noticed I didn’t have it on, and she freaked out; she thought it had broken and fallen off somewhere on campus. She offered to help me find it. I had to explain that, for some reason, I decided to do this voluntarily, and I knew where it was. I feel like I had almost forgotten about it before she mentioned it, and telling her reminded me that I should probably tell my mom. She gave the necklace to me, she knows a lot about loss. But I haven’t yet. I don’t want her to think I didn’t care about it enough to keep it with me. I buried the necklace in the same way she buried the letters my dad wrote to her twenty years ago, but she didn’t care about the person the letters were attached to when she abandoned them, and of course I still care about my mom. I reached for it just now, I didn’t even do it consciously, I’m just used to touching it while I’m thinking. I went out last night with some friends and I wore a different necklace with earrings, which was weird. I felt very put together because both of them matched. But I woke up in the morning with red marks all over my neck because I forgot to take the necklace off when I slept, and I’m allergic to nickel. The crane necklace is pure silver (at least according to my mom it is). I’m really worried that if someone finds it they’ll take it, maybe sell it, because I’m not sure how much it’s worth. I really want to go back to where I buried it and put a note asking anyone who might find it to please not take it, that it’s buried for a project, but I know I’m not supposed to. On the plus side, I got a bunch of other shit done today so I wouldn’t think about it as much.

 SUNDAY:

I can see the bush that I buried the necklace underneath when I walk between the Caldwell and Folk basement. Last night I almost turned just to check and see if it was there, and I stopped myself. I wouldn’t have taken it, I just wanted to see if someone else had. But I didn’t, I stuck it out, I went to my dorm and made popcorn instead. The summer formal was last night, and my dress would have looked PERFECT with that necklace. It’s the same dress I wore to prom with my ex a few months ago, and my outfit was exactly the same, except I was wearing my necklace at prom and I wasn’t last night. And I was with Luke when I went to prom, and as of Thursday, I’m not with him anymore. I thought it would hurt more than it did when we broke up, but I feel like I’ve been thinking more about this fucking necklace than the end of my two and a half year relationship. I feel like I should be more profound about all of this as well, like it needs to have a deeper meaning, especially since I just broke up with my best friend, even though we both knew it was coming. But the necklace was my thing; I folded paper cranes, not him. I wrote about paper cranes for my college essay, not him. I’ve folded thousands, not him. So it just feels like I lost a bit of me and a lot of him, and I mainly just want the bit of me back so all of me can exist without all of him.

I’m afraid it’s going to rain and maybe the rain will wash the pill bottle away. But I think I buried it well enough for it to stay. But then again, this is Georgia; there could be a tornado in the next thirty minutes for all we know. If that happens though, I’m definitely going back to get it. This isn’t some Wizard of Oz type shit. If it’s going somewhere, I’m going too.

 MONDAY:

The pill bottle was more visible than I expected when I went back to find it today. The pine straw around it was sort of pushed to the side, even though I’m pretty sure no one touched it. I saw the orange of the bottle from a few feet away and that legitimately terrified me, because I thought someone had taken the bottle and opened it, taken the necklace, and then thrown the bottle back. But the necklace was still in there, thank GOD. It looked bigger than I remembered it for some weird reason; it's a tiny necklace really, it never felt as big on my neck as it looked inside the pill bottle. I realized after I took it that I never told my mom I buried it. Isn’t that sort of a loss too though- a lost opportunity, a lost chance to share that moment with my mom. Maybe i’ll tell her in when I see her again, but I kind of like the feeling of having this little thing to myself, a little loss (even though I got the necklace back, and she never went back for her letters). I’m the kind of kid who tells her parents everything, and it’s only been recently since I’ve been living by myself that I haven’t been letting them know about my every move. I was on the phone with my dad the other day and I mentioned a name, someone I got really close to here, and he had no idea who he was. I guess I had never mentioned him. In high school I used to tell my dad when I farted, now he doesn’t even know who my friends are. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

The bottle was kind of damp, which makes sense since it’s humid as hell out here. The sharpie I used to scribble out the prescription number had kind of washed off- you could see the numbers pretty clearly, so I guess if anyone wanted some anxiety medication they could have gotten some, which probably would have been more of a problem than if they had taken the necklace inside. I guess if some rando goes into stamps in the next few days pretending to be me for pills, i’ll know someone touched it. But I’m pretty sure I’m okay.

I thought I would feel more whole when I put it back on. But it’s just a necklace. It has value, of course, but nothing more than the value I ascribed to it. I could have felt the same way about a rock, or a stick, or a receipt or an old department store bag. That being said though, I keep reaching back to make sure it’s still there. I just don’t really feel anything when I remember it is.

[meuebookansiepsico-blog]

Extreme difficulty of the OAB test is definitely the main criticism of bachelors

Learners and legislation graduates are dissatisfied along with the Evaluation of Get, evidence in the Brazilian Bar Affiliation (OAB), which grants to all those accepted the obligatory registration for the practice of law. The controversial details surrounding the choice abide by.   To close the sequence, use testimonies that sort a mosaic of the numerous profiles of scholars and bachelors in Regulation of Brazil. Basically, they are simply very important on the exam. Ambiguous complications, insufficient transparency from the course of action, subjective conditions inside the correction, tiny time for resolution and high-priced registration price are some belonging to the points lifted.   Whilst acknowledging the significance of some sort of prior assortment for upcoming lawyers, the exaggerated degree of issues for the proof is known as a recurring notion, even amongst individuals that have already been authorised and defended. This great volume of demand provides towards anguish to enter the labor market place and family pressure to your aspects which make the trail to your profession far more problematic.

To discover extra visit curso para passar na oab   See stories and what college students and legislation pupils suppose:   Norma Desireé Barbosa Fortini, 27, celebrates graduation together with her partner, but cannot get an OAB   I have a regulation diploma from PUC-RS, but I work like a guide at Natura I did the OAB test 4 instances, but I did not endure for the next section pretty nearly. Skipped two or 3 hits. It really is tough to receive a employment only having a degree, given that they need the lawyer's or trainee's license. Even a law graduate from PUC-RS, I give good results as the consultant for Natura, earning R$ five hundred. The industry is rather saturated in Porto Alegre and has places of work that pay lower than a bare minimum income. With each disapproval we dress in out and reduced our self-esteem. I unearth myself a dumb man or woman, but I am not, for the reason that I did 5 years of good faculty, graduation operate and protection with banking. To be a stockbroker, he needed to carry out clearly. I finished the PUC-RS paying out R$ 1,250 regular (without the need of a scholarship may be R$ two,500). I've capability, I realize the information, nevertheless the difficulty belonging to the exam may be very good. They make an evaluation to move as several consumers as you possibly can. It is for the standard of a public contest, when it must only attest that you've got a chance to advocate. Is not going to surrender. I would like a community defender, general public prosecutor, I would like for being a decide. That is my dream and that i can get there. But for this I need to advocate for at least two yrs. I got pregnant with the final 12 months of college and at present I have a small daughter to lift. I want to emphasis on my experiments to move this blessed test, but you'll find it arduous to concentrate on missing diapers for your personal daughter. " Norma Desireé Barbosa Fortini, 27 ages aged, retains a bachelor's degree in Legislation, graduated in 2009 from PUC-RS   The OAB portfolio is no guarantee which you will make cash   "I am retired, previous metalworker and today I perform as legitimate estate broker. I made a decision to try and do Law given that I desired to possess a increased stage. The program allows me in my latest career, from the documentation component, to explain the civil vicinity with the clientele. I have to do another OAB test, that is certainly open, but I tend not to agree with the examination. They wish to examine my five years of college in two tests. I've much better financial conditions than lots of classmates, but I discover the charge abusive. For me the exam is nickel-hunter and fails to aid us in the least. The decreased standard of approval of Uniban would not concern me. In such a past situation, I learned that 4 for the a hundred pupils in my course have passed. I do think many people will not would like to be described as a law firm. Everyone knows the OAB portfolio is not any promise that it will earn cash. "   Upon a few unsuccessful makes an attempt to acquire the Order's history, Rafael Alencastro Moll, 25, is executing class.   “I've been while in the business for 4 yrs and experienced a little something to the exam I've certainly not spotted. I have labored in a regulation company considering that I begun faculty. I read every person say it was challenging, nevertheless it was only after i commenced to take the checks which i understood how very difficult they extremely have been. I've tried out 3 instances. In all, I appear near, but I really do not arrive at the grade to move on the second phase. There is certainly lots to the check that we don't see in school correct, they are receiving a lot of information that we do not actually use in observe. I've been from the business 4 ages in the past and there was one thing there which i under no circumstances noticed. I'd not finished faculty, but now I am performing it. It can be aiding a lot. I feel that the Exam of Purchase is very important to provide a specific a particular, you will discover lots of people unprepared for there. There can be quite a few schools that aren't truly serious. The exam have to evaluate the applicant, but I think they're working on a lot more than that, very nearly a contest. "

To be aware of a lot more info see curso para passar na oab     I analyzed at Unip and passed 1st   "I graduated very last calendar year and handed the very first check out in the OAB examination. I was blessed and i could also rely on the friends and family. My father and mother are attorneys, I interned in their workplaces, and that i experienced the guidance to generally be in a position to dedicate myself totally to my reports. I do think other careers pertinent to your general public desire, just like Engineering and Drugs, must have an OAB assessment. The exam costs loads of decoreba of your legislation and could need a very little even more authorized investigation. My school doesn't have a good passing price, nonetheless it has really good academics, excellent physical construction, an equipped library, and that i experienced obtain to all the publications I necessary to write my monograph. "   In my day, it had been not required to take a split. At this time, the examination is much more hard.   "I took the OAB exam when I completed higher education, and that i passed initial. I took the first examination of Cespe (Heart for Collection and Promotion of Occasions, accountable for the evaluation right until 2009), which was organized by Vunesp, because of the annulment of test 134. The check consists specifically in anything you don't master in higher education, a lot less in São Francisco (Law-USP), whose center could be the humanistic formation with the jurist. The experience of your dogmatic issues, for reasons of community exams and use during the specialized job, is fruit of the software on the college student, and constantly shall be. USP varieties jurists with free of cost, independent contemplating. On the other hand, the drawback of San Francisco is definitely the deficiency of didactics of some instructors, who will not transmit common understanding on the subjects, inspite of simply being beneficial professionals. In my day, it was not needed to have a split. At present, I think the take a look at is more tricky, demanding even more exact awareness. The evaluation has to be taken care of considering that, from your lawful viewpoint, you will find no offense versus the Constitution. From a sensible standpoint, the assessment stops semi-literates from moving into a vocation by which writing abilities and normal experience of law are significant. And through evaluation these needs can be confirmed. It is not like in medicine, just where the expert has passed a evidence of home. A bachelors diploma in law actually must be examined previously having the ability to practice legislation. " Riccardo Napoli, 26, a lawyer graduated with the University of São Paulo (USP) in 2007. João Paulo Gonçalvez did a two-year class and passed the second endeavor about the OAB   The proof has got to exist, nonetheless it must be good.   "I however don't know if I'm going to be an attorney, as a result of I normally needed to generally be a delegate." Once I graduated, I got interested in law apply, and that i decided to give the Examination for the reason that I do think it would get much more and even more very difficult. but it surely should be honest.I do think that the correction for the second period assessments, and that's subjective, is ambiguous.The checks are tricky, they can be no longer intermediary.You will discover many terrible colleges together with the condition must choose obligation, to judge far more and to boost their stage to forestall most people from spending five years learning after which not being able to enter the vocation.But the evidence with the Get have to exist certainly, I feel even all professions should have a similar assessment.I went about the next attempt.I double-takeed and that i consider which was necessary to direct my scientific tests to your check, however it is to color necessary topics even since the lessons are superficial. For me, the person's way of thinking over the working day from the check also counts m The next time I took the exam, I used to be very relaxed, I was in a position to believe significantly better and did all kinds of things. "   I do the full process, I just don't sign   "I concluded the Legislation class in 2008 and also have previously granted the Buy Examination a few times, but I had been not accredited. I belonged towards group defending the examination, but once i had access into the outstanding view from the Deputy Attorney Common Rodrigo Janot Monteiro de Barros, who asked for his unconstitutionality, I confess that i altered my brain (the thoughts and opinions was despatched into the Federal Supreme Courtroom, which evaluation this yr). In my final take a look at, the OAB demanded on the 2nd section some thing that even the judiciary is not going to demand from your legal professionals, the legal basis citation (the short article of regulation) to instruct the answers into the specialized follow check. I missing 2.eight details on account of that inside a race worth 10 factors. I'm fully certain that i am suit and able to protect a person. I do the full system, I just really do not signal. An additional colleague symptoms. The OAB has greater the diploma of problems alternatively compared to the time for resolution. I spent four hrs working on just the piece and still had the essay concerns with letters a, b, c. In apply, the attorney has at a minimum 5 times to generate a bit. I realize that the extra you research, the more you dilemma yourself and marvel. And it's a ton of 'banana peel' they put you to slip. Too a lot ambiguity, two-way concerns. You will find numerous points of check out in regulation therefore you tend not to know which analyzing financial institution to stick to. I'm speaking with our colleagues: we are not studying to work at NASA. "

For more details head over to https://diigo.com/0bi2zf

[meuebookansiepsico-blog]

See Testimonies Of People that Did Or Will Do The Examination Of Purchase And Understand what The Aspiring Legal professionals Think Within the Country

Students and regulation graduates are dissatisfied considering the Assessment of Purchase, proof of your Brazilian Bar Affiliation (OAB), which grants to all those authorised the necessary registration with the apply of regulation. The controversial points bordering the choice use.   To shut the collection, observe testimonies that sort a mosaic for the diverse profiles of scholars and bachelors in Law of Brazil. On the whole, they can be important towards exam. Ambiguous complications, insufficient transparency within the practice, subjective criteria from the correction, very little time for resolution and expensive registration fee are some with the details elevated.   Even though acknowledging the value of some type of prior collection for foreseeable future attorneys, the exaggerated diploma of issue with the proof is a recurring perception, even between folks that have now been approved and defended. This higher degree of demand from customers adds on the anguish to enter the labor sector and friends and family stress towards the elements which make the trail with the profession much more difficult.

To discover alot more drop by curso preparatorio oab   See studies and what college students and legislation college students suppose:   Norma Desireé Barbosa Fortini, 27, celebrates graduation with her husband, but can't get an OAB   I've a law diploma from PUC-RS, but I work being a marketing consultant at Natura I did the OAB examination 4 moments, but I did not go through to the next stage pretty approximately. Skipped two or 3 hits. Its challenging to get a position only using a diploma, as a result of they need the lawyer's or trainee's license. Even a law graduate from PUC-RS, I give good results as a marketing consultant for Natura, earning R$ five hundred. The industry is extremely saturated in Porto Alegre and has offices that spend lower than a minimum income. With each and every disapproval we don out and cheaper our self-esteem. I find myself a dumb man or woman, but I'm not, because I did 5 years of good faculty, graduation deliver the results and protection with banking. As being a stockbroker, he needed to conduct perfectly. I concluded the PUC-RS shelling out R$ 1,250 month-to-month (while not a scholarship could well be R$ 2,five hundred). I have proficiency, I realize the content, but the issues in the take a look at is extremely excellent. They make an evaluation to go as several people as you can. You'll find it in the level of a community contest, when it have to only attest that you've the opportunity to advocate. Will likely not throw in the towel. I need a community defender, general public prosecutor, I would like to become a choose. That is my desire and i will get there. But for this I would like to advocate for a minimum of two many years. I got expecting while in the very last 12 months of college and at present I have a small daughter to boost. I would like to concentrate on my scientific tests to go this blessed exam, but it can be tricky to aim on missing diapers for the daughter. " Norma Desireé Barbosa Fortini, 27 ages aged, holds a bachelor's diploma in Legislation, graduated in 2009 from PUC-RS   The OAB portfolio is no make sure you could make capital   "I am retired, former metalworker and right now I give good results as genuine estate broker. I decided to undertake Regulation for the reason that I needed to have a bigger level. The course aids me in my active occupation, inside documentation component, to clarify the civil area for your individuals. I have to do the next OAB test, and that is open, but I tend not to agree with all the examination. They wish to assess my five years of faculty in two examinations. I have better personal conditions than many classmates, but I discover the rate abusive. For me the test is nickel-hunter and fails to aid us in any respect. The lower volume of approval of Uniban is not going to worry me. In such a past dilemma, I figured out that 4 for the 100 learners in my course have passed. I do think many people tend not to prefer to be a law firm. Everyone knows the OAB portfolio is no assurance that it'll earn cash. "   Just after three failed attempts to get the Order's file, Rafael Alencastro Moll, 25, is engaging in course.   “I've been while in the workplace for 4 yrs and had an item relating to the test I have do not ever experienced. I have worked at a legislation company since I started out university. I read anyone say it absolutely was difficult, nevertheless it was only after i commenced to go ahead and take exams that i recognized how tricky they genuinely were being. I've attempted a few instances. In all, I appear near, but I never access the grade to move to the second phase. There is certainly a lot within the exam that we don't see in college or university ideal, they're finding an awful lot of details that we do not in fact use in exercise. I've been on the office four years back and there was one thing there which i rarely observed. I'd not accomplished school, but now I'm doing it. It is really supporting quite a bit. I believe that the Examination of Order is crucial to provide a specific just one, there are actually many of us unprepared for there. There are numerous colleges that are not critical. The test ought to appraise the candidate, but I believe they really are doing more than that, almost a contest. "

To grasp even more data see curso preparatorio oab     I researched at Unip and handed first   "I graduated very last calendar year and passed the main attempt with the OAB test. I had been fortunate and that i could also count on the family members. My father and mom are lawyers, I interned in their offices, and that i experienced the assistance being equipped to dedicate myself wholly to my research. I believe other occupations applicable towards community interest, that include Engineering and Medicine, must have an OAB assessment. The exam costs a good deal of decoreba in the law and could need a minimal even more legal evaluation. My faculty doesn't have a superb passing charge, nonetheless it has decent instructors, decent bodily construction, an geared up library, and i had access to the many books I required to craft my monograph. "   In my day, it was not required to take a crack. Currently, the examination is a lot more very difficult.   "I took the OAB test once I finished higher education, and that i passed primary. I took the first test of Cespe (Centre for Assortment and Promotion of Gatherings, accountable for the evaluation until eventually 2009), which was geared up by Vunesp, on account of the annulment of exam 134. The check consists exactly in whatever you don't understand in higher education, less in São Francisco (Law-USP), whose target will be the humanistic development on the jurist. The practical knowledge on the dogmatic matters, for uses of public exams and use inside qualified occupation, is fruit of your software from the student, and always will be. USP varieties jurists with absolutely free, independent pondering. About the other hand, the downside of San Francisco is considered the deficiency of didactics of some instructors, who can not transmit primary awareness in the topics, regardless of currently being excellent professionals. In my working day, it had been not important to have a split. Currently, I feel the exam is a lot more hard, demanding additional distinct expertise. The examination needs to be taken care of as a result of, from your legal viewpoint, you will find no offense in opposition to the Structure. From the sensible standpoint, the assessment helps prevent semi-literates from getting into a job where producing capabilities and basic expertise of regulation are critical. And thru assessment these demands is often verified. It is not like in medicine, where by the skilled has handed a proof of residence. A bachelors degree in law really needs to be analyzed just before being able to practice law. " Riccardo Napoli, 26, an attorney graduated in the College of São Paulo (USP) in 2007. João Paulo Gonçalvez did a two-year program and passed the next try about the OAB   The evidence needs to exist, but it surely must be reasonable.   "I still never know if I'm likely to be an attorney, due to the fact I constantly preferred for being a delegate." Following I graduated, I got interested in law exercise, and i chose to provide the Test due to the fact I do think it can get alot more and much more problematic. but it really have to be fair.I feel which the correction from the 2nd period assessments, which can be subjective, is ambiguous.The exams are tough, they're now not intermediary.There are actually quite a few awful faculties and the point out needs to just take accountability, to judge alot more also to increase their amount to circumvent most people from paying out 5 years researching after which not having the ability to enter the profession.Even so the proof in the Purchase must exist sure, I believe even all professions must have an analogous examination.I went for the 2nd try.I double-takeed and that i consider which was critical to direct my studies for the exam, however it is to paint significant topics even as the courses are superficial. For me, the person's way of thinking in the day belonging to the examination also counts m The next time I took the check, I used to be really relaxed, I used to be capable to assume more effective and did everything. "   I do the full procedure, I just will not sign   "I completed the Legislation program in 2008 and have previously specified the Buy Test three moments, but I had been not approved. I belonged into the group defending the test, but after i had entry to your wonderful opinion with the Deputy Legal professional Typical Rodrigo Janot Monteiro de Barros, who requested for his unconstitutionality, I confess which i modified my head (the thoughts and opinions was sent to the Federal Supreme Court, which evaluation this calendar year). In my final test, the OAB demanded within the 2nd period a thing that even the judiciary isn't going to want with the lawyers, the legal foundation citation (the article of legislation) to instruct the answers into the experienced practice check. I dropped two.eight details on account of that in a very race worth ten points. I am absolutely persuaded that i am healthy and in a position to protect somebody. I do the complete system, I just you should not indicator. Another colleague signals. The OAB has improved the degree of difficulties somewhat in comparison to the time for resolution. I expended 4 several hours carrying out only the piece and nevertheless had the essay thoughts with letters a, b, c. In exercise, the attorney has at least 5 times in order to make a piece. I recognise which the additional you research, the more you dilemma oneself and ponder. And it is a good deal of 'banana peel' they set you to definitely slip. Also a lot ambiguity, two-way matters. You can get completely different factors of see in law therefore you really do not know which inspecting lender to observe. I'm talking to our colleagues: we're not finding out to operate at NASA. "

For additional info check out http://superandobarreiraspeloem.blo.gg/2018/february/see-recommendations-of-individuals-who-did-or-will-do-the-evaluation-of-purchase-and-determine-what-the-aspiring-attorneys-suppose-inside-the-place.html

[meuebookansiepsico-blog]

Extreme difficulty of the OAB take a look at certainly is the principal criticism of bachelors

Learners and regulation graduates are dissatisfied when using the Assessment of Order, evidence for the Brazilian Bar Affiliation (OAB), which grants to people permitted the necessary registration for the practice of legislation. The controversial points surrounding the choice carry out.   To close the series, abide by testimonies that sort a mosaic in the different profiles of scholars and bachelors in Law of Brazil. Typically, they are simply essential to the exam. Ambiguous troubles, deficiency of transparency inside approach, subjective criteria during the correction, very little time for resolution and high priced registration cost are some for the details raised.   Even though acknowledging the necessity of some sort of prior range for foreseeable future lawyers, the exaggerated diploma of issue on the proof may be a recurring notion, even amid people who have by now been accredited and defended. This great degree of desire provides for the anguish to enter the labor market place and friends and family stress towards the features that make the path towards the career even more tricky.

To determine extra head over to curso para passar na oab   See reports and what college students and law pupils suppose:   Norma Desireé Barbosa Fortini, 27, celebrates graduation along with her husband, but cannot get an OAB   I have a legislation diploma from PUC-RS, but I deliver the results for a marketing consultant at Natura I did the OAB test 4 periods, but I did not endure to your next stage extremely close to. Missed two or three hits. Its challenging to obtain a employment only using a diploma, for the reason that they need the lawyer's or trainee's license. Even a regulation graduate from PUC-RS, I operate as being a marketing consultant for Natura, earning R$ five hundred. The market could be very saturated in Porto Alegre and has workplaces that pay back fewer than a minimum income. With every single disapproval we have on out and decreased our self-esteem. I find myself a dumb particular person, but I am not, for the reason that I did 5 years of good faculty, graduation work and defense with banking. To be a stockbroker, he had to accomplish well. I completed the PUC-RS paying R$ one,250 once a month (while not a scholarship could be R$ two,500). I've power, I know the content material, although the difficulty within the test can be quite awesome. They make an assessment to go as number of persons as possible. It is really in the standard of a public contest, when it must only attest that you have the opportunity to advocate. Won't quit. I would like a public defender, general public prosecutor, I would like to be a judge. This can be my desire and i can get there. But for this I need to advocate for a minimum of two decades. I acquired expecting inside previous yr of school and at this time I've a small daughter to lift. I want to concentrate on my scientific studies to go this blessed check, but it can be very hard to center on lacking diapers in your daughter. " Norma Desireé Barbosa Fortini, 27 many years outdated, holds a bachelor's degree in Law, graduated in 2009 from PUC-RS   The OAB portfolio is not any warranty that you simply can make money   "I am retired, former metalworker and at present I function as true estate broker. I decided to do Legislation mainly because I preferred to possess a bigger degree. The program will help me in my existing occupation, while in the documentation section, to make clear the civil place for that shoppers. I have to do the subsequent OAB exam, and that is open up, but I tend not to agree with all the examination. They would like to assess my 5 years of faculty in two exams. I have significantly better fiscal issues than a lot of classmates, but I locate the cost abusive. For me the examination is nickel-hunter and fails to support us in any way. The low amount of approval of Uniban is not going to issue me. In this particular final difficulty, I uncovered that 4 with the a hundred college students in my course have handed. I feel plenty of people you should not need to certainly be a law firm. Everybody knows that the OAB portfolio is no ensure that it'll generate profits. "   Soon after three unsuccessful attempts to get the Order's record, Rafael Alencastro Moll, twenty five, is undertaking course.   “I've been inside the business for 4 ages and had a specific thing relating to the exam I have certainly not noticed. I have labored at a regulation agency due to the fact I started higher education. I read all of us say it was complicated, nonetheless it was only when i commenced to take the checks that i realized how problematic they definitely had been. I've tried out 3 days. In all, I arrive shut, but I really do not access the quality to move on the next stage. There is certainly a good deal relating to the take a look at that we do not see in college or university proper, they are becoming a whole lot of details that we do not in reality use in practice. I've been with the company four ages back and there was a specific thing there which i certainly not observed. I'd not done college, but now I am executing it. It can be aiding an awful lot. I think that the Examination of Get is important to offer a selected 1, you will discover plenty of people unprepared for there. You will discover a lot of colleges that are not considerable. The exam really should assess the applicant, but I do think they're working on much more than that, almost a contest. "

To know more facts see simulado oab     I researched at Unip and passed first   "I graduated previous 12 months and handed the very first make an effort within the OAB examination. I had been lucky and that i could also depend on the family. My father and mom are lawyers, I interned in their workplaces, and i had the assist to generally be able to dedicate myself thoroughly to my scientific tests. I feel other professions suitable to the community fascination, including Engineering and Medicine, ought to have an OAB evaluation. The test rates loads of decoreba of the legislation and could require a minor even more authorized evaluation. My faculty does not have a good passing amount, but it surely has beneficial instructors, very good physical construction, an geared up library, and that i had obtain to each of the textbooks I required to create my monograph. "   In my working day, it had been not important to have a split. Presently, the take a look at is more difficult.   "I took the OAB examination when I completed university, and i passed primary. I took the primary test of Cespe (Middle for Variety and Advertising of Situations, answerable for the analysis until eventually 2009), which was organized by Vunesp, as a consequence of the annulment of test 134. The exam is composed exactly in that which you will not know in school, a lot less in São Francisco (Law-USP), whose concentration may be the humanistic development within the jurist. The knowledge on the dogmatic issues, for reasons of public examinations and use from the pro vocation, is fruit in the application of the college student, and consistently are going to be. USP kinds jurists with absolutely free, unbiased contemplating. Around the other hand, the downside of San Francisco certainly is the lack of didactics of some instructors, who can not transmit primary knowledge with the subjects, even with becoming beneficial pros. In my working day, it was not essential to take a split. Currently, I think the take a look at is a lot more difficult, demanding additional special knowledge. The evaluation need to be maintained simply because, from the lawful standpoint, there is certainly no offense in opposition to the Constitution. From a sensible standpoint, the assessment prevents semi-literates from moving into a occupation through which creating skills and standard experience of regulation are essential. And through evaluation these necessities are usually verified. It isn't like in medicine, the place the expert has passed a evidence of residence. A bachelors degree in regulation definitely must be analyzed right before having the ability to practice law. " Riccardo Napoli, 26, an attorney graduated from the College of São Paulo (USP) in 2007. João Paulo Gonçalvez did a two-year program and passed the 2nd attempt to the OAB   The proof has got to exist, nonetheless it need to be truthful.   "I however will not know if I'm likely to be an attorney, given that I constantly preferred to be a delegate." After I graduated, I became interested in law observe, and that i made a decision to give the Exam simply because I do think it would get additional plus much more problematic. but it has to be truthful.I think that the correction from the 2nd section checks, that is subjective, is ambiguous.The assessments are challenging, they are simply not intermediary.You can find many unfavorable schools along with the condition should acquire accountability, to evaluate extra and also to better their level to avoid people today from expending five years researching and then not with the ability to enter the occupation.Nevertheless the proof from the Purchase must exist sure, I think even all professions must have an analogous examination.I went on the 2nd attempt.I double-takeed and that i believe which was significant to direct my experiments on the check, however it is to color necessary subjects even as the courses are superficial. For me, the person's way of thinking relating to the day with the exam also counts m The next time I took the test, I used to be incredibly tranquil, I had been in a position to suppose superior and did just about everything. "   I do the whole practice, I just really don't indicator   "I concluded the Law training course in 2008 and also have already supplied the Purchase Test 3 periods, but I used to be not accredited. I belonged on the group defending the exam, but when i experienced access towards terrific judgment of the Deputy Legal professional Normal Rodrigo Janot Monteiro de Barros, who asked for his unconstitutionality, I confess which i improved my thoughts (the judgment was sent with the Federal Supreme Court docket, which examination this yr). In my past examination, the OAB demanded during the 2nd section an item that even the judiciary will not will need on the lawyers, the legal basis citation (the posting of legislation) to instruct the answers towards pro practice examination. I misplaced 2.eight points on account of that inside of a race worthy of 10 factors. I am absolutely confident that i am fit and ready to protect a person. I do the complete method, I just tend not to signal. An additional colleague symptoms. The OAB has increased the diploma of problems quite as opposed to time for resolution. I spent 4 several hours doing just the piece and still experienced the essay queries with letters a, b, c. In exercise, the lawyer has at the very least five days to produce a bit. I notice which the even more you review, the more you concern yourself and wonder. And it is a whole lot of 'banana peel' they place you to definitely slip. Too a whole lot ambiguity, two-way troubles. You'll find distinctive points of watch in legislation and you really don't know which inspecting financial institution to comply with. I am conversing with our colleagues: we are not finding out to work at NASA. "

For additional information and facts check out http://superandobarreiraspeloem.blo.gg/2018/february/see-recommendations-of-individuals-who-did-or-will-do-the-evaluation-of-purchase-and-determine-what-the-aspiring-attorneys-suppose-inside-the-place.html