#if im gonna wanna kms anyway might as well

[mizugucci]

👍

[uitzinnigmp3]

how the fuck do i deal with this pain

[hyunwoo-archive]

:)

[eitelle]

Ahh hi i hope im not too late to the event :) i would like a haikyuu matchup, any gender is fine!

Uhh, i still don't know if im intp or infp but i'm a capricorn sun, sagittarius moon and taurus rising. my pronouns are they/she

i'm 5'1, i have brown shoulder-length hair that is half bleached, and pale skin with freckles!

My favorite color is black, and my favorite food are strawberries with chocolate.

I'm an introvert, i tend to get really anxious in public spaces so i avoid going out alone lmao. When meeting new people i'm nervous at first and i don't talk much, but with friends i trust i get more confident and talk a lot more.

I think i would need someone who can listen to me, since i could talk a lot about my interests 😭

i'm always drawing, so if there is someone i like i would express my love by drawing them since i'm not good with words ✌

And i think that's it. If i am actually late just ignore this ask bc that would be embarrassing 😕🤞 have a nice day !

HI LOVE!! tbh u werent late if anything im the late one since im so late to this ask bye- its like 2 months later n i still have this im gonna kms /j

U SOUND SO PRETTY. N I LOVE UR PLACEMENTS. N I WANNA GIVE U A KITH. OOH N I LITERALLY RELATE TO U SM BYEEEE

ok so anyways ive matched you up w: miya osamu!!

ok so some hcs

he always thinks hes the forgotten twin n he lowk has trust issues from people saying “no ur my fav twin!! atsumu” so he doesnt even rly like words!!

he also expresses his emotions n love through his food so ur art will never go underappreciated with him

he also loves physical touch tho n deals w his brother and suna a lot so he knows ab introverts AND extroverts so he knows hoe to get u out of uncomfy situations ;DD

he often had to hear atsumu ramble so hes a vv good listener but he knows when to push u a lil bv he can read people vv well, yet another reason why words arent needed!!

sometimes people forget ur dating bc yall both lowk dont like pda but yall r in love so who tf cares?

he loves yalls height difference

he gets to ramble to u while u draw so u can focus on him n not any intrusive thoughts since sometimes that can cause ur hand to shake n thats the worse

he likes laying his head in ur lap

he can always read u so hes like a rock for u n hes p big n beefy so hes just like always there n thats amazing

he def like has ur art in his restaurant pls. (w consent ofc bc consent is seggsy)

idk why but i feel like yall have a shit ton of those reversible octopus plushies?? idk SJJSS

COOKING N ART DATES OH LORD😫‼️

yall r literally such a hot couple

also me n my husband by mitski (but like when u dont psychoanalyze the lyrics n take it as some cute thing) is yalls theme song i dont make the rules 🤚

u guys have promise rings WHSGSH

OK NOW ONE SHOT DRABBLE THING SJSHD

also why were the gifs all atsumu not osamu 🤨⁉️ i typed in miya osamu or sum shit like that. wow this is osamuphobic tbh 😐☝️(ps: manga timeskip spoilers ahead)

“osamu where are you taking me? dont run me into a pole babe HAHSHSHS” you giggle as your crazy boyfriend osamu miya drags a blindfolded you across the city where a rose petal and candle decorated restaurant (his restaurant) awaits with your fav food.

“ok ok i wont i swear. ok now here we are, open your eyes baby,” your boyfriend encourages.

as you open your eyes you see your favorite food in a romantic setting, completely unrecognizable as osamus restaurant and you over your mouth with your hand. “oh my god, ‘samu this is so much. what even is today? its not a anniversary right?” you question wondering how you scored such a thoughtful boyfriend.

“no its not y/n, i just thought youd like this gesture more as we havent spent as much time together :)”

“well consider this gesture appreciated i love it and i love you samu.” you say knowing how ooc it is but he deserves to hear it after all this.

“damn baby today was supposed to make you cry not me!! you ruined it >:(“ he jokes with you, teasing how flustered you got after proclaiming your love (not the first time tho might i add)

“well im sorry mr. better twin,” you tease right back.

the rest of the night is filled with laughs, smiles, love, and happiness for you and your lover.

NO BC THAT ONE WAS CUTE. ANYWAYS ARTBREEDER N THEN TEXTS!!

no artbreeder 😠 but i found this!! so... YEAH SJSHSJ

TUMBLR IS BEING N ASS AND ISNT LETTING ME PIST THIS BUT HERE U GO I HOPE U ENJOY!! (also the fish thing is osamu dropping a piece of fish on his lap picking it back up blowing on it n trying to feed it to u. thats so nasty)

[unproduciblesmackdown]

posting to say im vanishing for some unknown amount of time rofl

making this post to say i won’t have internet access for an indefinite amount of time going forward. like, it could be a week or you know, any other amount of time. which you know, sucks, because it seems annoying to complain about like oh damn i can’t reblog memes but for me the internet is a way to be connected to like, anyone else in the world, and have a place to voice my thoughts where people might listen, and have the chance to talk to people and feel like there’s ppl who are aware of my existence who might value me for one reason or another. and if you’ve been following me anytime for the past like, eight years or so, you mightve noticed i’m not doing so hot. and i’m not really thriving right now and you know. ugh

like hey if i off myself you know i’ll probably try to queue up a post saying something about it. but maybe i won’t. you just never know. either way you can’t really worry about me w this indefinite online absence because there’s no way to get in touch with me otherwise. part of why being stuck offline sucks. again, maybe it’ll be brief. maybe i’ll be able to you know scuttle into a starbucks and post quick updates saying i havent fucking died yet. i have no idea, people.

also you mightve noticed that despite wanting to die and having nothing good, i still at least sometimes like to draw useless gay shit and post it. jk my contents great and a blessing, i’m not gonna be the one to deny that. anyways its what i like to do and what i’m best at and its a way for me to put myself out there in ways i can’t otherwise do and also its why practically all of you follow me obv and like i said its just fun......but i can’t really post if offline. more a tragedy for me than anyone else, but thats true of this whole thing. at least i can still write coz ive still got a ways to go on that before even intending to post it. and read and shit. sigh

idk anyways like i said maybe i’ll pop up five seconds after going Offline and be like hey im back gosh i was worried about nothing! but probably not. i hope soon because i have barely anything going for me and the net is my main way of getting. any social interaction/connection at all and its important to me, however much anyone else wants to judge that. how will i ever learn that selfies aren’t the most important thing in life, right?

anyways. this is why i’m vanishing, i’ll try to refrain from burying this under other reblogs. i hope to god nothing important happens when i’m gone, watch me miss something vital ugh. i also get my news from twitter dammit. sigh!!!!!!!!!

if i had an art sideblog i could sort out those notes easier, so i hope there’s not like...some super great comments on my shit that gets buried in the mobile apps horrible activity display and i never get to see it. aughh

this sucks but anyways. just an informative post. about the lack of information there may be going forward. it’ll at least start out b/c im going somewhere currently w/o net access and am broke as a bloke and my phone isnt very useful w/o wifi. ah well, right. c’est la vie. que sera, sera. what happens happens. shit’s like that sometimes. shrug. lmao.

i’m gonna go jump around some love, simon clips to further burn them into my memory. don’t get me wrong, i’m fucking. doing terribly and wanna kms. but this film’s a blessing and i love it and i’m happy i’ve got to see it and just like my lack of internet access, it can be my fave going forward indefinitely

[kyandice]

(04/02/2017)

So my dad bought me a new watch ystd and it’s like a really nice watch and I like it a lot. He bought it online and yayyyy i really appreciate that he buys stuff for me and dote on me like that. But sometimes he srsly like just needs to let go a bit more and give me more freedom like omg I’m alr 18. Okay, the watch isn’t like anything branded but I’m not materialistic so I don’t mind cuz it actually looks pretty nice to me :D The last few times my father bought watches for me but I didn’t really like the design that’s why I stopped wearing it after a few days. But im really afraid that my father will be like sad thinking about how I might be materialistic as the watches he buys aren’t branded. But like I really didn’t like the colour and design sooo :((((

And I started Dayre ystd. I didn’t like really start on it. I just kinda read Wu Li’s entries from May last year all the way to today (she started writing in Dayre like last year May) It’s like a blog too but it feels more like an online dairy but okay whatev it’s the same lol. But like i don’t want to shift to like dayre cuz I’ve alr got Tumblr and I don’t want to change so yeaaaa. Anyways, Tumblr also allows the personalisation of your own blog to suit our own selves so I personally think it might be better than Dayre even if it might be harder to use.

FUCK I JUST ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE WHOLE THING. AND UNLIKE MICROSOFT WORD THERE ISNT ANY LIKE “GO BACK RECOVERY BUTTON” SO I HAVE TO FUCKING TYPE OUT EVERYTHING AGAIN?????

I didn’t go training yesterday and it was kinda stupid because I got caught in the rain while on the way back home and I had no umbrella so I gotta wait at Macpherson Mrt until the rain stopped and by the time I reached home it was alr 8;45 and it’s probably alr halfway through the training. When i got home I showered, eat and stuff by the time I started revising it was already 10.10 its like when training ends and I might as well go training lol. So ystd was damn unproductive I didn’t even do a single shit???

I’ve always wanted to be a captain or vice captain of something like idk. I’ve always wanted to be the captain of my Softball team but  I wasn’t really chosen because like lmao I have no leadership qualities??? And yeahhhh before Coach James announced the captain and vice-captain of softball I actually prayed that I would be chosen but hahahahaha. So like actually I was the rebel in softball I was the first person in the CCA to have a heated argument with coach James and I guess it actually matters. Like im the ace because of my skills but I definitely couldn’t be the captain because hahahaha like I said I had no leadership qualities, like really. Seniors be like making sure the Juniors wouldn’t slack and I will be there teaching the juniors how to like fake train and stuff lmaooo. The Juniors loves me but like I was kinda bad for them too HAHA. But apparently being a captain in softball back in secondary school and being captain in tkd in poly is like two different things. Back in softball, the captains didn’t have to do Admin stuff you see. Their job was just probably lead the team, that’s all. But for tkd there’s like so many admin stuff to do and I guess it’s a pretty tedious job. So when I heard that Daina or I was gg to be the vice-capt I was kinda glad like tbh. But the more I think about it, the more I feel that I would only like this position as a vice captain maybe cuz idk the recognition? If I’m given the responsibilities, I don’t think I would be responsible to deal and handle them appropriately. And tbh, i would really like to be the vice captain of something. I mean ive never taken up any leadership roles once in my life ever before. So it would rerally be pretty cool if i can be a vice captain of something.

So yayyyy the demo tea people are coming to my house tmr and I’m fucking excited. There’s like gonna be 13 of my friends coming to my house??!!!! That’s gonna be like the first I’m so excited. It would also be the first time Bryan is gna come to my house?? :D i really can’t wait for tmr I never had so many friends in my house and it’s gonna be fun I hope. Actually, I’m like vvv afraid it might be awkward? idk i have a feeling that it might end up awkward, then everyone will start using their phones and there wouldn’t be any f2f interaction then I’ll be so sad :((((

Okay, I’m like so distracted from really studying because i keep day-dreaming about the things I would do during the holidays and it makes me vvv excited until I can’t study at all. I’m alr very very very excited for the holidays. That means exams are over and I can finally enjoy myself. I have also so many plans for this holidays and it’s making me really happy whenever I think about my plans for the holidays.

So for the holidays, I would definitely find a job and work part time, and hopefully, their shifts are flexible so I can request to work for alternate days for a week. SO SO SO I wanna meet like Bryan duhhhhhh. Hopefully he has same job as me so like I can see him every day for the holidays hehe. I also wanna meet Geralyn, WuLi, and Yi Le. It’s been vvvv long since I last met all of them 3 tgt but yeahhh I wanna go shopping or idkkkk take cute photos tgt. I also want to spend more time with Jazlin, she’s a really cool person and like we don’t speak and meet out so often now a days. I also wanna like spend time with tkd people like they’re really cool and funny HAHA. Apparently, Bryan and I also planned to go to the zoo (maybe with his small sister) and to the beach too. I would love to take many cute photos with Bryan during the holidays idk I wna print them out too, if I had the money. I still wanna buy more clothes online tooo I’m outta clothes for school already. I’ve got so many things I would love to buy like idk all the lip products I want to collect different shades, so like I wouldn’t use the same old shade every day. I need a new foundation powder too, mine broke the other time, I think it still can be used but like I want a new one.

Oh yeah, and the day before this, Vincent asked me for sex again but I rejected him the second time. I’m like really proud but like actually, why would I even be proud. Like I mean I’m just being a proper human being so it’s nothing special like omg (shi wo gai zuo de). But tbh, vincent should stop this shit. like he knows i have a boyfriend and like HE HAS A GF TOO??? wyd girl wyd with him. Vincent is a nice friend but like he should seriously know when to draaw the line omfg.

(05/02/2017)

So yay the tkd demo ppl came to my house to like celebrate cny it’s like the first time I ever had friends to my house to celebrate cny with me yayy. It was like really fun ystd. It wasnt even a little awkward and it seems like everyone was enjoying the food and having fun too :D

(06/02/2017)

OH NO MOCK GRADING ON TUESDAY. I have to learn all from like blue tip to red help that’s four patterns I must know very very clearly. and there’s like cpes i have to study. cepp assignment which i need to complete fuck. i wna kms like rn

[untitledacrylic]

6/3/20 3:36 am

yea I’m gonna start dating my fucking posts you jackasses. Only the Important ones tho if I wanna post ‘gonna kms’ cryptically at 2 pm mind your business.

anyway

This isn’t an issue i really enjoy talking about, or feel comfortable thinking about consciously for long periods of time so this post might be short but probably not because this is my only way to think through what happened effectively.

Today while arguing with my mom about how the government is handling the riots, I said her comments made it feel like she doesn’t care (about racial injustice or how clearly authoritarian sending in NG and gassing protestors and even rioters is; tear gas is fucking illegal in a war why do you think its okay to use on civilians) and I had a rebuttal for everything she tried to throw at me.

Then she just went off.at first the screaming was about how im ‘fucking illiterate’ and ‘to fucking young to know anything’ and how she ‘failed as a parent’ because im ‘like this’. Don’t get me wrong she tried to make up for it by throwing in a fair amount of ‘you’re very smart about other things but not this’ and ‘I appreciate your passion’ bullshits. No you don’t. You’re trying to make up for the fact that you’re screaming at me.

You’re probably thinking “jeez that’s a lot...” well she wasn’t done! The she let slip that she reads my FUCKING twitter and she told me I’M “fucking sick”.

Well, to paint the scene for you, she pointed her finger real angry and jabbed it in the air at me while shouting “YOU’RE FUCKING SICK” I kind of checked out around this point. Just started viciously biting the inside of my lip to avoid having an emotion. The second I showed one she would’ve either started screaming about how she’ll give me something to cry about (yea I remember that one mom, you might not but the memory of me sobbing in the kitchen doorway while you threaten to give me something to cry about burns strong in my mind every time you raise your voice now) or tried to hug me and make it better and honestly if she had tried to touch me in that moment every warning signal in my body would probably start screaming

I feel like I attempted to process these emotions but swiftly failed. It felt like someone was filling a bucket on the edge of a table and its just so close to falling off the table but it won’t because its juuuuuuust sitting on enough of the table to not tip over. Stomach has hurt all day because of this.

Hate to say it but it really is times like these when I wish I could cry into Rowan’s shirt. He was nothing if not good emotional support. God I’d fucking kill to be vulnerable and held and loved again. To bad I no longer feel comfortable showing any emotion for fear of being persecuted for it; ill indent to give an example of how I am also persecuted for positive emotions

On numerous occasions have tried to share excitement with my mom about something I learned or a cool thing I found, only for my excitement to be met with a crushing apathy towards whatever I was sharing, my small example is sheets I showed her that she called tacky and ugly and low quality but Im speeding this along because I want to jump into my next point before I forget which is that I do the same thing to my mom. I could not give any less of a fuck about most of the things she tells me I do not care about her property manager, or dieting and HCG, or the constant pressing ‘when you get an internship/job’ or her financial management I find literally none of these things interesting.

I have grown to be such a fundamentally different person from my mom that I no longer have a desire to interact with her. And I’m horrified by that because I need her money to live and I don’t deserve it, she shouldn’t have to give it to someone who violently opposes everything she stands for (even if its authoritarianism) but I also shouldn’t have to put on some act or have to turn off who I am completely in order to live with my family. It’s so detrimental to my fucking health. In short, I wish I could simply die or run away and not have to take anything from her ever again and just be separate.

‘but claire you can just get a job and start saving’ I cannot express to you the fact that I am in such a stressful place that would rather subject myself to this constant verbal abuse than have to make a move in my home that would draw attention to me. I just want to pretend I don’t exist anymore.

Ok its almost 4 im done now fuck this good night

[hatchibomitar]

1-70

alright this has been sitting here for like a month and im tipsy so im gonna fkin answer it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

i have a great relationship with my mom!!

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

my girlfriend 😊😊😊😊❤❤

03: Do you regret anything?

oh sure i do! lots of little things. that’s anxiety babey. but i don’t regret any choices that have got me to where i am today

04: Are you insecure?

it depends on the day, i am some of the time - but it’s a huge improvement from the past omg

05: What is your relationship status?

in a RELATIONSHIP with the LOVE OF MY LIFE 

06: How do you want to die?

i do Not like this question ! goodbye thot

07: What did you last eat?

salsa chicken and rice, and zucchini!!!!! and i might annihilate a pint of ice cream later

08: Played any sports?

yes omg i played soccer and lacrosse!!! i love lacrosse sm.

09: Do you bite your nails?

nope i never have! i used to rip them off though lmfao! not the whole thing!!!!! jsust bits

10: When was your last physical fight?

never lmao

11: Do you like someone?

yes

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

no oh my goodness i would literally die

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

sober kaiden might be all dramatic and say yes but white claw kaiden says No :-)

14: Do you miss someone?

yes :( i want to be Kissed!

15: Have any pets?

yA omg i have 2 cats at my mom’s house!!!!! i cannot wait until i can have my own pet

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

i’m actually feeling fgreat, it’s basically my summer break rn and usually i’d feel terrible with no strict plans of what to do, but today was so much fun. i had a great time just fuckin around. im very optimistic

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

HEHEHE oh my gosh, i don’t kiss and tell, but yes i do actually. ok so not a public bathroom but someone else’s bathroom at a party, yes, and my own bathroom, yes, and someone else’s bathroom, yes! i just love bathrooms (wow i sound so cis)

18: Are you scared of spiders?

not especially ! i am Not good at capturing them and also i cannot kill them, but i am sometimes ok with just letting them chill. ok maybe i lied. it depends

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

no 😤

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

the brit Popped Out! the last place was, the airport when i dropped my girlfriend off :(((((

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

omg well it’s still the weeknd rn? it’s sunday night. and my plans were: d&D!!!!!! and it was SO FUN!!! but next weekend, im seeing my bestie graduate college along w my other mt friends, and then on sunday i’m driving home 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

Yes I Do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i ‘m not super sure, maybe 2? 1 would be fine too but also i feel like siblings are great, even tho they’re terrible at the same time. like i’d face my brother in ritual combat but i would also slap a high schooler in the face for being mean to him, yknow

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

i do! i have 2 closed up ear holes. 

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

i was always great great great at english/reading/spelling! now i’m in college so like uhhh . i get to choose my subjects. so my best is photography ahah!! but i’m not bad at writing :-)

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

not desperately. sometimes i feel the urge to reconnect with old friends tho

26: What are you craving right now?

a Kiss!!!!!!

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

wait omg first i have a story. so on facebook they used to have those things where you’d answer questions, like this, in a note. i got tagged to do one so i did. let me set the scene. it was sophonmore year of high schoool. im 16. i’d broken up with my first “real” boyfriend a few months ago. so i was tagged for this shindig right.? it got to this very same question: have you ever broken someone’s heart? and i thought about this kid who i dated for 2.5 months...and i was like....well, clearly, he’s devastated we aren’t together! so i answered “Yes. Unfortunately.” ooohhhhh..... the drama.......the absolute emotion..... riveting.... who was he ? i was probably listening to jonas brothers SOS at the time.

anyway, how am i supposed to actually know ? like does sometone have to say “u broke my heart?” bc if so no one’s said that. but my last gf took the breakup v hard so maybe ? but i don’t wanna plant emotions in to anyone’s skull!

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

one of my exes sexted her friends. jury is still out on whether that counts, please lmk me know ur thots. kaelin, if ur out there, i’m so.................................happy that i haven’t spoken a word to you for 3 years. fuck off !

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

Yes

30: What’s irritating you right now?

real quick, an update on the chocolate ice cream situtiaon. i’ve cracked open my pint, as well as another hard seltzer. i’ve also lit a candle. it’s a real production

anyway, no ! oh hahahah. sorry. thought it shaid who’s irritating you. ummm, personal stuff! but im not like mad. just personal drama

31: Does somebody love you?

lors of people do! and lots of people love You Too!!!!! you’re a delight!

32: What is your favourite color?

i LOVE yellow !!!!!!!!!!!! and blue, specifically teal! but not too dark of a teal you km,now ?

33: Do you have trust issues?

depends what im trusting them with !

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

i had a nightmare that i was sabrina the teenage witch and another witch was chasing me on a rooftop trying to kill me :(

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

hmmm idk actually bc it’s hbeen hard for me to cry lately :( probably maya ?

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

to be honest i don’t think i’ve often had the chance to Give a second chance

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

idk man iuhhh it’s kinda hard to just literally completely forget! and mnaybe not as healthy!

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

that’s kinda premature, it’s only april!!! but i suppose may is soon. idk im not sure! maybe every year is the best year of my life :-)

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

20 bb

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

i have ANaughT

51: Favourite food?

i would give up everything for a bgagel. i also LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEE sushi! my fave roll is i think either spicy tuna w the spicy sawce or seared salmon ora spicy tuna hand roll. i fuck sushi

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

this is a hard question for me to answer bc i want to say yes but also i don’t think abuse or murder or bad things or unnecessary death happens for any reason other thna, it just does sometimes and that sucks real bad. so idk. i don’t think everything has a grand purpose. but i blieve in my life, everything that’s happened to me has in fact led me to where i am today and i’m learning and healing and growing. that being said i could do without some of the things that have happend to me!

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

read a storm of swords :00000

54: Is cheating ever okay?

no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the point of cheating is it’s a breach of Trust! and that’s not okay!

55: Are you mean?

i hope not :(

56: How many people have you fist fought?

what is with u brits

57: Do you believe in true love?

depends what u mean by true love...like in fairytales? i think true love is just loving someone so much you’re willing to work on whatever you need to to keep them. not unconditional in the sense of “even if they’re mean i still love them” but unconditional in the sense of “even if u fart in front of me i don’t care, and even if you go through hardship and aren’t yourself for a while i will still love you because im with u for real”

58: Favourite weather?

SUN SUN SUN my favorite is when it’s warm out, but there are clouds to gaze at. it’s kinda humid. there’s a slight breeze. oh gosh i can’t wait for the summer :*( im currently cyring

59: Do you like the snow?

i am so fucking tired of the snow LMFAO it snows 8 months of the year here and i’m here, guess what, 8 months of the year! i fuckin hate it! go shit on someone else, clouds

60: Do you wanna get married?

YES more than anything, so much, i want to, so badly

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD I DIE I MELT

62: What makes you happy?

sunshine, late night drives, laughing so hard my stomach hurts w/ my best frineds, playing d&d, writing poetry,  thinking about how small animals’ feets are, petting my cat and making him purr, talking to my little brother about real stuff, kissing my girlfriend and seeing her smile, warm blankets when it’s cold, eating cookie dough, dancing, singing in the car, holding hands, walking in the summer and listening to my favorite podcast, talking about harry potter with my mom, playing overwatch in the summer with andy, going to council crest

the list could go on forever :-)

63: Would you change your name?

already did PAL!!!!!!!!!!!

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

only hard bc she’s not physically here rn. but no, it would be easy, beacuse she’s so kisssable

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

if you define sex by GENITALS YOU BIG BIBNCH then i don’t Have one

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

stop omg......

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

STOP OMG

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

hmmmmmmmmmm..... idk maybe jamie

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

i don’t necessarily believe that there’s 1 perfect person for everyone out there romatnically, but i believe thaere are people destined to be in your life and i believe there are people that you will click with just absolutely instantly and feel an incredibly deep connection with, whether it be romantic or not

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

kinda morbid :/

[survivorelara]

Episode #8: “These horny ass giraffes” - Drew H.

Well, I'm a big flopping mess, I fell asleep and failed to vote. ADDITIONALLY, Dani was the one sent home, which nobody even told me was gonna be a thing. Like Loris mildly mentioned it to me, but I didn't take that to mean that 3/4 of the merge was gonna vote Dani out.

I realize that John and Dani didn't even vote Ci'ere which was supposedly the plan, so it's good to know that John is someone I can really rely on... NOT.

I'm more frustrated with myself though because I should be capable of more than I was. I'm feeling on the outs though, because I don't even know where the Roxy votes came from.

This game is a fucking mess for me.

https://youtu.be/0k5pTCBa_1M

"heuse1acToday at 10:42 PM No idea! The fact that john was put in the mix is really interesting though bc he easily could've just jumped the alliance i accidentally screenshotted a million years ago So that makes me think loris might be a part of that conversation bc he's the only one who would like have that mindset of including john bc he saw the flip firsthand And we all definitely used that joint tribal and the lie as a talking point so it'd be easy enough to say we still have emotions about it, even without proof That's just my read on it tho, i have no proof. But if it was him, that would explain why you were targeted of the 4 of us bc he really does seem to have something against you asdfghjkl"

why does this sound so fishy to me like he is hard core tunneling Loris. Makes me super sus nnn

"DrachusToday at 12:05 AM god If we go f2 somehow We'll be the most hated f2 I can't wait "

ok i love you drachus but fuck he totally plans to drag me as a gaot doesnt he lol

Okay, operation get Roxy to blame Loris for the target last night is in full effect. Do I think he's the one who actually put Roxy's name out there by spreading stories that she was targeting Ci'ere? Eh maybe, leaning probably not. But Roxy has it in her mind that Loris has a vendetta against her, and there is JUST BARELY enough loose strings to thread together into a convincing enough forgery. Loris being targeted eventually is needed because of how close he is with Andrea and how much I'm sure he will never give up resenting the fact that he prob would've been next on swapped Auva. And end of the day, if we fail, Roxy is the one who leaves and that opens a lot of doors for me that a "leaked alliance" is holding firmly closed.

I took a goodnight's rest before really pursuing making this confessional. Not getting rid of Sam earlier in this game was the biggest mistake of every player in this merge. I love Samuel to death, probably my favorite straight male ever (sorry Jack and Seamus), but the boy really woke up during the last 24 hours of this game.

Not only he successfully convinced everyone to vote his way, he temporarily bridged the feud between Ci'ere and Dani for a brief moment to get the numbers and all of the votes turned for Dani. He claims that he didn't know that Ci'ere will call myself, Drew H., Roxy and John out- but after that joint tribal- anyone who had any part with the old Zosma tribe is treacherous.

Where does this confessional lead? Well I tell you, Sam perfected the under-the-radar strategy during the premerge portion of this game AND got everyone to vote his way just so that he can get revenge for her bitchy attitude. I literally have to give any and all credit to that boy for that last round because that was pure genius because it got my Auvas and John to be EXTREMELY more pissed off at Ciere while he is controlling that emotional mess by the strings. Amazing. But it is time to plot his demise.

Everyone in this game is damned fake and transparent it makes me sick. I'm tired of people trying to pass off not being aligned with others when it's painfully obvious.

Drew H. tried to pass off him and Roxy being a 1 time thing... despite voting together the entire game so far.

Loris was briefly entertaining the idea of voting Ci'ere though he was obvious about reservations... 1 tribal later, Ci'ere is using an idol. (Though he didn't get any votes so it's whatever.) Now Loris is saying we need Ci'ere to stay. Which is whatever I guess, but to me it's like ok you two are clearly a F2 or something, there is more to this than I'm being told.

John, didn't even vote Ci'ere when it was his idea, but he hasn't told me anything about the past tribal which is beyond infuriating.

I feel like I'm floating, in the middle of the ocean without a raft, and I can swim and float for a little while, but it feels like the sharks are coming from somewhere no matter how I disguise myself in the water.

Noah fence but I wanted to get kori out since they’re so good at comps but now we might never get the chance :shrugs:

I don’t think anyone hates me so I think I should be good this vote ?? Watch me catch this blindside

i'm actually so mad right now, I knew one of those two had the idol... and ci'ere said he found it on his very first guess with 39. BITCH 39 WAS LITERALLY MY 2ND GUESS, HOW DOES HE GET THAT LUCKY IM SO SAD I WANTED THAT IDOL :(

Aye, Won a challenge, let's gooooo! Lol, thankfully there was a score reasonably close to mine, so I didn't look like I utterly destroyed the challenge.

I also got that idol clue, which I mean eliminated a ton of possibilities. Though it'll be hard to sus out which Non-American astronaut it is. (I'm hoping a future idol clue is that the astronaut isn't Russian so as to eliminate a ton more options.)

I think I'm gonna try for a Dylan boot, because the guy and I almost never talk, he won the last challenge so he's clearly capable in some regards, and he's on OG Auva, and if original tribe lines come up, that'd put us at 5v3v2, though I'm not banking on those lines given the way Loris, and John both act.

Ok so before the last tribal, I thought people would be wanting to vote for Ci'ere. Then later Ci'ere starts going off in the tribe chat saying to vote for Roxy because she has an alliance with the Drews and myself. And in his tribal question he basically calls me out saying tribal lines have already been crossed because of the fact that I voted against Revati the round before. BOI you weren't even there so stfu?? Yes there is an alliance but there has legit been no game talk in it, Roxy just made it to ensure I would vote with them, which I was going to in order to get Zach out anyway. I went to a few people to reiterate that fact. I wanted Ci'ere to leave before but now it'd be in his best interest to not speak to me.

Kori won immunity and I fell asleep early because I was tired afff. I wake up, seeing that Kori has apparently gone to all of Revati targeting Dylan. He knows that I really want to target Ci'ere, especially now that he doesn't have immunity, and that I want to work with Dylan. The problem I have with my Revati tribe is that I don't feel too much trust with them as of now. Emma doesn't talk to me, Loris doesn't as much anymore, Kori can be very controlling, and I don't know fully where I stand with Andrea. I will most likely not be voting Dylan out tonight, and if Kori really wants to go to final 2 with me he should respect that. Ci'ere would be my ideal vote tonight but if nobody is going to vote him out, I may end up voting for Emma because if anything I know I've got Drew H. Either way, I think at this point my messiness meter is through the roof so hopefully nothing comes back to bite me in the ass woooo

Andrea telling me that she’s not voting for Emma and that she also doesn’t know who to vote for. I love people indirectly telling me that they’re voting me out

I’m confessing so much but that’s only because I feel like I’m going home today and I need to make a lasting impression so I can win fan favorite 💅🏻💅🏻

Anyway I think I have the votes to stay but if an idol gets played then I’m going home for sure

The original revati idol was never played so I don’t trust this vote at all tbh

Hopefully this isn’t my last confession but if it is then goodbye xoxo

Emma has the idol and loris has the advantage. I am LIVIN I decided to just be honest to everyone and ya we shall see how it goes I still don’t think I can win and Emma told lORIS about to he alliance which is concerning but um idk ok we shall see

Well, it seems likely that John and I will be separating in the near future, he just isn't open to me like he was at the beginning of the game, and I just don't know if I can work with him.

None of my thoughts or ideas seem to gel with him, and it just doesn't seem to be working out.

If people are telling the truth than it should be Dylan going, from there ideally we vote out Drew H, who is a reasonable threat and it ideally throws that whole alliance into chaos.

From there I think I'd want Ci'ere gone, and after that maybe Loris? But we'll see how things go, immunity wins and other events are likely to shakeup the game, to which I'll have to be flexible, so I don't wanna start overplanning just for everything to be thrown out of wack.

yeah so this vote is clearly a Dylan or emma going home scenario. personally im voting Dylan mainly because we have no relationship at all game wise, and emma seems dead loyal to loris and me kinda, which is way more valuable to me than a guy the auva's wanna try and use as a "number." plus, people seem to think emma is kori's free number, which may be true but he was the one pushing for the Dylan vote, which will only turn him into a more visible character which I need in my life right now. yeah after last vote I definitely need to sit back and let other people drive, but I'm all for someone I know im not gonna work with going home this round. I know the drew's wanted emma gone, but I told them straight up I was probably voting Dylan since we have no relationship, but that next vote a green has to go and they seem all for it. so hopefully this is setting me up for a nice ride the next few votes? let's hope oh god inb4 I die next round before single digits ima kms

ALSO SUCK IT DANI MAN YOU THOOOOOOOUGHT I WAS LEAVING THIS ROUND HA BIHHHHH YOU CLUELESS SEE YOU AT FTC!!

man oh man ciere, you really trying it huh. over here threatening my man drew T that he'll be next to go if he doesn't vote emma? that also means ill be in the crosshairs too? nah bruh, we aint having any of it. Dylan is leaving this vote then guess what, you're gonna be blindsided, and oh my god I cant wait to see that happen. should've stuck with me, smh

ciere is REEEEEEEEAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY trying to take control of this vote and get emma out, bruh if that aint obvious idk what is, esp when he hasn't included me in it. why is he here and not toby.... :(

https://youtu.be/H3vuhKG9APE

ok so I swear I wrote this already but woooo Emma has idol I have legacy Andrea is a queen iconic trio I also have a deal to go to the end with Sam ??? Oops. At this point I just feel valued but it’s probably because they realise I’m useless and will not be able to write a speech at FTC and also I’ll just get fucked over because it’s live.... oh well. 5 more tribals to go!! well four but I’m writing this in the future

All my ladies pop your kitty like this, Shake ya body don’t stop don’t miss all mah ladies pop ya kitty like this justto it do it do it do it now do it good luck that kitty just like you should

Dylan is voted out 8-3. 

[survivorkvaloya]

Episode #12: “Well My Life In This Game Is In The Hands Of Two People Who Have Proven To Be Untrustworthy” - Quillynn

they blindsided gage. who i love but i still tried to lied about the vote to. i want majority with christine, jack and JD. the ONLY way i can win this game is if we're all in the f4 or i'm in the f3 with 2 of them. and even then i still have to fight hella hard for it. JD told me earlier that she was scared of Gage/Christine/Me mentor f3. which is silly cause it's not like the students have a final 5. unless they do then FUCK me up fam. either way... we didn't have a f3 with Gage. I previously thought of having a final 3 with JD and Jack... but now I'm for sure gonna try to get Christine to f3 with me as hard as possible. Just gotta work my bussy off to get there

So tribal wen't well... I dont think Ryan and Chris are gonna be mad so that's another pulse side. But me and Jack need to figure out who we want to take to the end with us, or who we want to try and take to the end. I almost wanna say chris because we have been working with her and Ryan though most of the game and I think challenge wise she is about the same as me and jack. However, I know jack is gonna pull it out soon. I've got to start pulling my game together though all I really have is one dodgy immunity win, trusting Ryan, and then deciding that me and Jack vote for Gage rather then Lilly. I think Jack would like to take lily or Jackson to the end but at the same time, I'm tore because I know that me and Jack are not good enough to win, I know that I hate the way that I played anyway; so I would want a winner that actually should have won and truthfully I would say Ryan. Even though we have no chance at winning next to him, at least the person winning actually should win. But I mean, I'll keep that one to myself for a couple more rounds but I dont really think Jack will like it that much. Also, fuck this challenge, this is gonna be really hard :/  Hosts are mean <3

So my gut was right about Gage giving me a fake idol piece, and I managed to mist jack and jd into flipping so we could vote him out! The only problem now is that I still don't trust Jack or JD. Jack also makes me want to kms lowkey so being in an alliance chat with him sucks, but for now its what I have to do to try and keep a lock on them. Ryan and Christine will probably be back up to 2 idol pieces after this challenge is over, which sucks but hopefully Ryan loses the immunity and we can take him out, although things never seem to go right so the plans will definitely change as tribal approaches 

so... christine won immunity. today is looking like this could be my last day on the island. JD and Jack flipped last round, and although i hope and think it'd make sense for their flip to just be temporary... it'd make sense if they voted me off. I'm an immunity threat and if I leave then Jackson can go away and they control the numbers between lily/q and christine. but.... they have to know they can't beat jackson, q or lily. and if they thought they could lose to me wouldn't they rather lose to a good ally? i'd hope so... i genuinely think they could beat me at FTC. but i just wanna be there really bad. also my closeness with christine aka who's immune this round could threaten them the same way they were threatened by the false thought of gage/christine/me. i'm not gonna try to get q/lily/jackson on my side.. i'm gonna stand my ground and hope jack/jd pick me to work with. if i can't find this 3 idol piece from the a-reisberger blog (which i've tried every god damn name and dates related to survivor china and kvaloya) so it's probably something i missed. or the 3rd one from the 64000 alpha code combo... it's looking dim. if i can survive this round i can get the idol piece from next round maybe? or even get jackson out so i can go away from a round. i wish i could play with my student but the little shit tried to vote me out... i've done a lot for JD and Jack, and I hope they decide to keep me around.... my thoughts are ALL over the place.

i think... i'm gonna fake cry and shit to jd and jack. and give a sob story to them about needing this... im desp

Can ryan going home be my birthday present? Thanks. (Love you ryan) 

The plan here is to vote out Jackson and send Ryan to Reflection, allowing us to get out Christine at the next vote while still keeping Ryan with us. Q and Lily will be mad, but they're always mad!

Hi I'm Jackson and this is my eleventh confessional (wow) Last tribal went amazingly well. The rat who was playing both sides, Gage, is now gone, and the students seem to be united. The vote this week should be easy (Ryan lost immunity so he should be going), but next round could be interesting. Here's why. If/when Ryan gets voted out, I'll be sent to reflection. That will leave only five people left in the game. Two of those being my final 3 ladies (Quillynn and Lily), Two the other students (JD and Jack), and one the final mentor (Christine). If Christine loses immunity, that could hopefully make for an easy vote, but there's a good chance she will, or that the other students will flip on Q and Lily anyway. They probably can see how close the three of us are and that they don't have a viable path to f3. I'm probably gonna give Quillynn's idol pieces back to her (she gave them to me to keep them safe) in case she needs them next week. I'm praying that everything goes well for them while I'm gone (and that I get something cool from reflection I guess). If the three of us are all still around when I get back, we'll be golden. That would make me so happy. Okay i'm crossing my various fingers bye

Well my life in this game is in the hands of two people who have proven to be untrustworthy in the past and hopes that ryan doesn't somehow pull another idol out of his ass! I hope it goes well tonight, but i'm going into tribal knowing damn well it could be me, and if it is then congratulations to Ryan for winning the game!

I'm filled with so many emotions right now. First of all I'm PISSED that Gage went home. Jack and JD gave us a bullshit response that they were worried me, him and Ryan had some f3 mentor thing and it's like....we're only 3 people we can't do much. When people like Lily and Quillynn are still around it's frustrating. Gage wanted to take out Ryan too and I would've used that to my advantage but noooo. The people here annoy me and I feel like Gage was someone I could really trust. The only person I know has my back now is Ryan and it's like....he's the biggest threat so I feel like I'm in a rough position. I'm just happy I'm safe this tribal cause I don't know what's gonna happen. JD seemed to be ignoring my question about if we were still ok which did not help at all. That challenge was a nightmare too like I'm literally playing as Kelley so winning it was a shock. I feel like I'm the little Wentworth that could right now. On another note I'm really scared cause apparently the legacy advantage might not be what I think it is. I just want safety right now cause I know Ryan's either headed to reflection or jury and once he's gone I don't have anyone that I trust. If it's an idol piece I'll take it but I'm so impatient this whole time I just assumed I'd be safe and now it could be something completely different. :\

[survivorpanem]

EPISODE ELEVEN - “ONLY SO LONG BEFORE THE PET SNAKE TAKES A BITE “ - ANDREW

hieeeee. omg okay.. i feel like it's been a hot minute since i made an actual confessional and not just me vs kait and jenn in my host chat. ANYWAY. i won my second immunity basically just my luck sdhg. i just had one person in mind and went down the list each and every time and put there name with who i thought fit best and that really played out for me? NOW. i just won my third immunity and jake literally... went off one. saying fuck me and shit. like bro skldhg. im gonna be at work till 10pm tomorrow and im gonna miss tribal and the whole day. i couldn't risk anything because anything could happen so i had to ensure MY safety. like i love jake but i swear he has one more nasty mesage to send me before i ask him "who do you think ur talking to btw?" can i just say this real quick... allison- started the rally to try to get me out me- lets get allison out. allison- goes home. ryan- was partners with jordan pming everyone trying to get me out. me- lets get ryan out. ryan- goes home. jordan- same as above. was partners with ryan pming everyone trying to rally votes against me the allison week. me- lets get jordan out. jordan- goes home. everyone- lets get andrew out its time! me- lets get jaiden out. jaiden- goes home. https://68.media.tumblr.com/02aa5ec34518a894eef3408820de7bbd/tumblr_ohuo4d0OUh1uxnkpto1_1280.jpg NOW. im not getting jake out. he can have his hissy fit all he wants but i know theres loyalty still down there. but do i want isaac or andrew out now? hmm..

ME: TRIES TO SAVE ANDREW IS SUPER EXCITED WHEN JAIDEN FUCKS HIMSELF OVER SO ANDREW CAN SURVIVE THINKS WE'RE GOING TO WORK TOGETHER ANDREW: I'M GUNNA ELIMINATE SAM FROM THIS CHALLENGE ME: BOY WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? I'M OVER IT!! I'M READY TO KILL ANDREW I've decided I want me, Zack, JC, and Sam B to final 4 because fuck Jake and Andrew for killing me and fuck Isaac because he's guilty by association. Also in all of these receipts of Jaiden trying to try up the votes, ANDREW is the one who suggested me! Jaiden said me or JC and Andrew COULD HAVE SAID JC BUT HE DIDN'T SO BYE ANDREW. AND HE THREW HIS VOTE TO ME WHEN IT COULD HAVE GONE TO SOMEONE ELSE HONESTLY BYE

I'm honestly v upset to see Jaiden go :( I was definitely stressed in those last few confessionals but I really do luv Jaiden so much and actually did see us getting so much further in the game together :/ I don't know why he had to flip and not even tell me about it but idk hopefully I can make the best of this. Like I'm not the reason he got out necessarily and I feel like our relationship was good enough to have an ok chance of getting his vote if I ever make it to FTC, which is highly unlikely idek why I'm thinking about that when it's still like 5 votes away if it is going to be a f2 like I think it is. Then the immunity challenge seemed to go well even though I didn't win. It appears to have raised distrust towards Andrew from Sam which is veryyyy good because I'd love to get Andrew out! I'm not a fan of the comp slayers in the game, even miss Zack and Jakey who are my allies are worrisome because of their challenge abilities. Sky Ferreira is sex btw. Speaking of jakey too I'm not sure where his head is at? Idk I got weird vibes in the challenge, especially since he took me out before comp queen Zack which is...interesting, so it's caused a bit of untrust with jakey and I too. I'm just worried that he's actually going to start picking his game up and start slayin and when he does I wonder if he's going to stick with me or flip and go with other people. So I need to keep an eye out for his ass, and another on the finish line. I'm also going to try for the time being to just continue playing as if I don't have an idol. I feel like idols can impair your judgement abilities and actually be a kind of crux to your gameplay because you can get a bit too assured of yourself, and you can never feel safe in these games. It's worrying now too because I see like one of the main benefits that was around keeping Jaiden was that he was such a big threat, it was just like you could just be like oh yeah let's do Jaiden, and people would be like yeah tru and then of course you could flip it to who you really want later. Now jaidens gone and Isaac asked me who I wanted to vote and it's not like I could be like oh yea we should vote Jaiden hurr hurr. So idk I was just like what about jakey idk and he was like yeah I think jaidens high key annoying and I was just like ok 👀 mama calm down as he continued talking about how jakey a lil trifling hoe, but I mean jakey likes Make Me (Cry) by Noah Cyrus so could he really be that bad? Idk. I should ask what his zodiac sign is before I make any decisions for the vote or ideas of his character.

flkjfdsal I don't remember if I did a confessional but this could be my last one since it's 20 minutes before the vote and I've heard NOTHING from anyone except for JC! so like fuck Andrew and Isaac honestly I REALLY hope me Sam Zack and JC stick together but I don't see it happening. I'm pretty sure I'm getting voted out so like it's been real.

I'm so happy I've made Final 7 but more importantly, I made it passed Jaiden! This vote is messy btw I just woke up from a nap and I have no idea what I'm doing.

So I'm being voted by Sam G, JC, and Zack. I know that for sure. I'm hoping Myself, Isaac, and Sam B all vote together. And just get out JC. I guess Zack is playing a map on me. So he'll see I voted for JC. And they might play an idol on JC and I'll be fucked. I dunno if an idol is being played tonight but hopefully if it is then it's played on Sam G? I really don't wanna die. But id I am then Zack is a snake. Like I knew that asdfghj but. I was hoping maybe he would actually take the secret pair beware thing farther. I guess it was fun while it lasted. Only so long before the pet snake takes a bite. Anyway, I'm probs not surviving tonight. So I hope Isaac or Sam B or Jake wins. But like 98% hope Isaac wins because he fucking deserves it. This will likely be my last confessional so. It's been fun and I'm glad I was able to play a pretty awesome all-star season. Anyway DAN GHEESLING IS MY BROTHER BYE.

I HATE MAKING DECISIONS! I have 5 minutes to decide whether I want to work with Isaac and Andrew or Jc and zack. I'm super nervous because there will be drawbacks for each option I choose. Zack will probably yell at me a LOT if I flip and Isaac will probably be so hurt by me and not want to be friendship anymore. And I want to work with Andrew in PI Allstars so I don't want to betray him here. Ugh this is messy fuck

welp i have 5 minutes so zack fucked me over hard core in immunity this round and all trust i did have in him is lost. this round it would be ideal for JC to leave but idk if sam b. is smart enough to make that move... um!!! yeah im just trying to convince her but i dont rly see it happening. andrew will prob leave or me tbh. i honestly think its me lmao. oh well. fuck zack

WELL, It appears Andrew is voting me again! Vote me once, shame on you; vote me twice, bitch you gotta go! Ugh idk I'm heeeeella nervous that I might be going tonight so I'm definitely keeping my idol close, we might be seeing a play tonight. Maybe even two if Andrew has one. Hm. So, I approached Isaac, told him I wanted to vote Andrew. He claimed he was down to vote Andrew too, but told Sam that he wasn't going to vote me but would vote someone else. Sounds like an idol might be getting played on andrewwww so they're splitting the votes, huh?! How. Fucking. Cute!!! This is disgusting I'll probably have to play my vote negator on whoever Isaac votes and use my idol for everything to work out tonight. UGH! This is so worrisome, idk why Andrew had to vote me tho! Like girl couldn't you vote either Sam instead since everyone else is on your side and Zack is immune. Whyyyyy meeeeeee 😢😢 it's not like I was pushing to vote for Andrew this week and last week also! *sarcasm* but I mean still, come on! It's not like Sam G wasn't pushing for you too, ugh. I don't know this is tough, if anything I'm probably gonna at least reveal to someone that I have an idol tonight or something. I need to find out how this vote is gonna go down...this is gonna be a long bumpy rife

Later...

Oh my fucking God Samantha BUSSY voted me out I can't fucking believe this. I'm honestly shook like I messaged Sam G first asking if she flipped then when she said no I went to Zack when he said no I was like what the fuck, how could it be pure angel Sam Bussy??? I pressed her and eventually she admitted to it. So I went to her and she denied it at first but finally admitted to it later. Then I called her and I think I flipped her. Hopefulfuckingly! I'm trying to flip Isaac as well just in case anything goes wrong and hopefully I can. I really hope I stay my dumbass should've played my idol when my gut told me to, but I simply didn't listen, I'm so stupid! But if I /do/ survive, then this would really be a wild move and I'll definitely be playing shit next week, if not everything smh. I'm puhRAYING that my mist works, because if not I'm going down as a big idiot who went home with their idol, probably the first big idiot who went home with their idol in storybook history! THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN STORYBOOK HISTORY!!! Kms if I go out this game I'm screaming.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

tfw hating life enough for a reeadmooore

‪yesterday afternoon i’d blocked out 3 pgs in my sketchbook & by that night i was thinking like well i’m so close to finished the sketchbook finally (ive been using it about a yr and a half by now) that i could just stop drawing when i hit the end there‬

but i’d mentioned the impending end of my sketchbook space a friend is already in the process of sending over some they havent ever used so that will at least mean if i stop drawing it’ll just have to be because i want to lol

like in this case it’s special b/c of course i’ve had periods where i’m like smh what if i just don’t draw anymore, but that’s tended to be about being frustrated w some element or other of it all. this time it was mostly just that every day of my life i have a tiny bit less motivation or energy or etc. yesterday i was thinking all day about offing myself, which i’d done the day before, and done today too

like, it’s nothing new, i’ve been hating being alive and wanting to kms and only moving in the direction of less disappointment to more disappointment and having to care less about things i previously cared about because for one reason or another things get to a point where it only adds frustration to my life anymore

but despite depression and wanting to die and life being miserble all being Not New, that doesn’t mean that it doesnt matter anymore, because after day after day after day after day after day of it for years and years, you’re in a worse place than you were a while back, even if you do feel the same. even a single day of wishing you were dead the whole time is shitty enough. feeling overall like even if you’re in a good mood now, you know your life is trash and you’re going to go back to feeling bad soon, is also shitty enough

like the thing that drawing had going for me is that, like reading and writing sometimes and even some other shit, it’s something i like to do. i do it for myself, really. but it helps that its the way i trick ppl into being here in the first place to see anything i’m talking about. i have really crap appeal. i mean i’m bad at being appealing thru shit i draw, but it’s still way more of something anybody wants vs like five yrs worth of my text posts. like...i have over 10x more followers than i did on a blog where i rarely drew anything ever

but anyways despite me drawing b/c i enjoy it, i enjoy enjoying things less. always in the middle of that “loss of interest in pleasure” life lol.......it doesn’t really matter how long i do or don’t keep drawing, b/c i mean, it doesn’t much matter to me whether i’m having fun or not. i can be enjoying drawing and still wanting to die, because that’s whats happening lol.....nothing that’s a personal factor of my life is all that important to me, because my personal existence is not that important to the person living it

also it sure hasnt helped that my sense of things like whether my life can get better or i’ll have the opportunity to pursue my nonexistent dreams or live an ideal version of my life that also doesn’t exist are all at all-time lows and only just getting lower day by week by month by year. the only way i can even look at cheering myself up is from a day-to-day perspective. and i can have a slightly more fun day than usual and then be extra down on the very next day b/c of how being a bit less numb means you’re crap-feeling emotions are now game too. and i’m very aware of how, if you’re not in a position that insulates you enough, if things get worse for you, that makes “things getting worse for you” more likely, and it’s an exponential drop that gets harder and harder to climb out of, and even if you move back up a notch out of good luck, you’re still just as likely to be knocked back down to where you were. the odds of me suddenly not only not fucking hating being alive but also having a life that doesnt fucking make me hate being alive? that’s a funny joke

‪also it’s frustrating that whether i feel good or miserable on any given day only really exists if i say something about it in a post like this lol... like i might feel awful one day but if i dont have it in me to spend ages writing about it, which is difficult also b/c putting feelings into words where ppl will only fully Get It if they’ve felt that way too, anyways if i dont write about how shitty i feel and post it then maybe later on when i’m feeling a little better or feeling a different kind of shitty, i also won’t be interested in being like “oh btw i felt awful the other day.” and if i don’t mention it, as far as everyone in the world knows, it was never a thing that happened, so it might as well not have. i mean, as a person i might as well not be happening, especially since i don’t want me to be happening lol‬

and like i was saying to someone the other day, its a lot harder via text to talk about shit b/c like, if you’re with a friend in person, you can talk abt boring or silly things and its easy and makes a good conversation. whereas talking via twitter means it would be clunky and time consuming to layout exactly had empty and depressing my existence is, and silly shit isn’t even worth the energy when you’re having a convo w lengthy gaps in it, so you can only really talk about the broadest, most interesting shit. which i don’t have much of, oh well

i do like talking and talking to people actually, it’s just rough when it’s all a few ppl online, even though i alsp extremely appreciate those people and enjoy the talking. it’s like, chatting to ppl online is like a piece of chocolate cake. it’s delicious and you love it, but it would be amazing if it was the extra bonus on top of getting solid meals every day, instead of it being the only thing you have to eat and you get it maybe once or twice a week and it’s still wonderful and is all the more valuable for it, but it isnt the same as getting enough to eat always, or Knowing you’ll keep getting enough to eat

anyways my social life is always its own special kind of depressing, even when i AM in the same place as friends. you’d have a hard time finding a situation where the concept of What I Have To Say seems interesting or even relevant to other ppl. and im not sure i’ve ever been in groups where i feel totally comfortable with everyone there and don’t feel out of place. so talking about the idea of knowing you always have access to someone to talk to or be with in person or having friends who you know you can hang out with and they actually like you and you still expect to have them a few yrs down the road—all that’s always been a “well, in theory i mean” or “at least, i imagine it would be like that” issue for me

tbh i generally feel the most comfortable enjoying myself when i do something alone; maybe it’s because i have more experience of ppl im around treating me really shittily than treating me well

ohhhhhh wellllllllllllllll what else do i have to talk about. hmmm the fact that feeling like i wanna die only seems to be regarded as an issue of “well are you gonna or not,” aka if you havent its a Victory and a happy situation instead of it being a matter of EVERY DAY I’M A CONSCIOUS ORGANISM I WISH I WAS DEAD AND MY EXISTENCE HAS BEEN HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION FOR AT LEAST THE LAST HALF OF IT

like how heartwarming that i’ve been actively suicidal for how many years? 6? 8? but i havent yet!! i always want to but just never get around to it and so this time for sure lol no more fooling around!! oh dammit and there goes another birthday still alive. like this is some elusive new years resolution or novel i mean to write.

funny i mention it because there’s practically nothing anymore that i want to do. even if i THOUGHT my life would ever become okay, i want fuckall out of it. i only exist, baby............and it’s like i said earlier, whenever i try to come up with a sad amount of potential motivations NOT to die, i have to realize that none of the shit is actually for me, or directly about me, or centered on me. like, this shit lost its charm ages ago.

well anyways. i suppose thats all i can think to say now. and it doesn’t make a difference whether i talk about my shitass existence and how crap i feel or not. it just gives the chance for a bit of it to exist in the world via a few other ppl being aware of it for a few minutes maybe, because who DOESNT want to thoroughly read a shit essay by some random weirdo about how everything sucks. the end

[survivorelara]

Tribal Council #11: Orion

Let’s get to the questions.

Kori, 8 people left, how do you ensure that you aren’t going home when the stakes are so high?

Honestly fam, I'm just trying to not die in a Hurricane, and since I have to vote early, I'm sure the context of the tribal as I understand it is bound to change dramatically, and I'll vote incorrectly. I'm just hoping for myself to both be alive and in this game come tomorrow. But we'll see how it all shakes down.

Loris, still possibly 2 idols left in this game, should we expect more split votes?

I don’t think so.. especially considering it’s final eight where every vote matters and there aren’t massive majorities forming that can afford to do it. Also the idols haven’t been played very well so far.. let’s hope that’s a trend!

Roxy, first Dani and now Drew T have both expressed disdain towards you as they exited the game, what does this mean?

Ok firstly dani had disdane towards me because of smthing I didnt do and we made up. As for Drew t, well, weve been playing this game together since day one so he probably felt like I betrayed him since weve gone through a lot of tribals together. It just means he felt betrayed. Although I did feel close to him and his thoughts are justified I think had he put more effort into talking to me I might have felt closer to him. It was usually only me striking up the conversation and we only had about two or three full on conversations. Its easy to believe things others say and its easy to feel distant from someone if you are the only one putting an effott into having a conversation

Andrea, you also received 2 votes against you, so I’m gonna ask the same question to you that I asked Ci’ere, how does that make you feel going into this tribal?

lmFAO like trash. I know Ci'ere is still super mad like im sorry ilu still :(( im 100000% expecting some more votes this tribal and if trend continues itll be 3 so next round ill get 4 and be peacin out!! lol all jokes asides yikes I didnt mean to burn bridges I was busy like I said and had no time to even check into things. If I did I would have voted Drew. I really hope that wont be used against me, because I really love this game and 8th is just kinda sucky!

Ci’ere, you got 2 votes against you last tribal council, what happened and does that make you worried going into this tribal?

This is a rebuttal to Miss Andrea’s statement: I’m not mad. I never claimed to be mad. I never said anything to make you believe that I was mad. If I was mad, you would definitely know that I am mad. If you think I was mad before, you have not experienced my madness. If anything, I feel betrayed by a certain straight white male that shall not be named at this moment in time because I was willing to go to the end with him. However, he had no problem with signing my death certificate even though he had 6 other options to choose from excluding Drew T. & myself. Anyway, Andrea, I was just trying to understand why you voted for me because you didn’t have to. I (and probably others) told you 12+ hours before the deadline that Drew T.’s name was being thrown out, yet you followed the straight & told people you weren’t voting for Drew T. So don’t sit here and act like you didn’t know because you did. You made that decision on your own.

Emma, Drew T also didn’t say very nice words about you as he left… what do you have to say about that?

FIRST of all im not taking what he is saying seriously i never needed him on my side idc lol Sierra dawn thomas is just an okay player she was good in game changers thats it also if your basing everything on touchy subjects well ur not really aware sorry not sorry xxxx but at the end of the day its just a game i dont think any poorly him or hate him but im just saying hes wrong OOP

Sam, you scored 0 points at this challenge, what happened?

i was focused on tryna google answers and was a few seconds late to submitting so rip my 6 points

Drew H, CONGRATULATIONS on winning immunity once again!! How are you feeling?

Or um...12, I guess

Let’s go ahead and get to the votes.....

But before we do that... Emma stands.

Play the game or quit was said last round oh look surprise bitch! im actually playing the game

This IS the hidden immunity idol from Revati. She is playing this idol for: Roxy. Any votes for Roxy will NOT count.

First vote:

oh my god okay... either this is a throw vote which I’m fine with or this is an important vote and if so I’m rlly sorry I just can’t do this anymore and if people are being fussy about the votes then they leave me no choice but to do things like this

Roxy. (does not count.)

Second vote:

i know you're gonna hate me, but i feel this is best for my game. sorry :c

Roxy. (does not count.)

Third vote:

Realistically by virtue of me voting for you, you're gonna stay anyway but oh well talk to you tonight after it fails, i guess <3

Emma.

Fourth vote:

KMS

Kori.

Fifth vote:

Emma.

Sixth vote:

LMAOSOCKGH WHAT THE FUCK THIS WAS DECIDED IN THE LAST 3 MINUTES HELP

Kori.

Seventh vote:

I did not want this but I know where I wanna be down the line and I knew my options and this one I think will work out better for me in the long run.

Emma.

Eighth vote:

I am so fucking sorry kori I did not wanna do this. But I cannot vote someone who wants to idol me and this is how its turned out. Iku so much u are the only one who genuinely talked eith me this game. God this is literally killing me

Kori.

Meaning, this vote is ending in a tie. 3 votes Kori and 3 votes Emma. Everyone but Kori and Emma has 24 hours to send in your tie breaking votes.. remember if it ties again, you’re going to rocks.

Your revote is due tomorrow, October 10th, at 8pm EST.