#if my partner tried to 'understand' and 'support' my mental illness by pretending to fucking have it in an effort to be like 'me too babe'

[detectivechandler]

why write chandler if you hate his canon relationship?

canon relationship - ? i ... buddy, timon and pumba are more canon than fucking joe and kent

[murdocsmacattack]

the reason im not afraid of 3x10/3x11 and the reason 3x10/3x11 needs to happen

so ,the name at the very least ,for what will ether be ep 310 or 311 has been revealed "mac+fallout+jack" and for pretty understandable and obvious reasons its left 99.9% of the fandom with a seance of foreboding especially given mac and jacks interactions resent episodes ,

however im not afraid , and, i may be giving the writers to much credit with what we've been getting and all, but last time in season 2 when i gave the writers some credit , we actually  came pretty cloes to what i was thinking , so im going out on this limb again , and i hope you'll hear me out , because were dealing with the bromance slash surrogate father relationship of jack and mac , and this area at least the writers have always gotten 99.9% right ..with ..a few hiccups here and there but you get what i mean , so what am i getting at?    

the offness were apparently ALL picking up when it comes to mac and jack..is being done on purpose.

why do i think this ? well its a bit long and briefly personal , but art imitates life and there is a point so i hope you bear with me,a little while back around 302 i did a post about the reaction of the fandome to mac leaving, coming back , and still wanting to leave again , where i basically stated the former

"i think the problem is a lot of people are looking at the situation through “mac” colored glasses so to speak like “oh macs so sweet and so strong , so clearly this isn’t him , this is childish ,his friends are going to easy on him , hes a compartmentalize mac would never do this , hes not allowed to act like this!”"

and im not saying everyone whose coming to the “macs being a dick ” conclusion is completely wrong , but i truly still stand by the believe that his actions are more of a gray area then were giving it credit for , and ill get into that and why its important in a sec but first , lets look at jack  

the thing is , after reading a lot of my fellow fans feelings and reactions and mulling over my own thoughts , i think people are seeing jack through jack colored glasses as well, see jack discovered something about himself in 301  when it comes to mac , something i just assumed everyone else saw even tho it was subtle, and its something about himself that knowing jacks character he doesn’t much care for      

in 301 it was ether riley or bozer who stated "jack didnt care where you were , as long as he knew you were happy " witch as far as there relationship has gone thus far , has been the assumed status quo between them and towards each other, but then we see jacks actions, and hear his own words when he finally comes face to face with mac after there months apart

"I was gonna hunt down and capture Walsh.Yeah, I kind of figured if I collared your old man's ex-partner, I don't know, he'd just retire.And-and then you could return to the Phoenix."

"You know, you did save my life, pal, but I could argue that I'm saving yours as well.Rescued you from a life of misery, - wasting your talents. '

" the world needs you, Mac.And you owe it to the world to work for the Phoenix."

jack goes on to tell mac his main reason along with the ones stated above was jack was doing what he always does , protecting him , but having had this short conversation and hearing his thoughts out loud AND judging from jakcs reaction to mac coming to find him at the airstrip in the next episode , jack realized somethings after having time to mull over his own words

1 that mac being happy , alone, isn't enough

like riley said ,jack knew mac was relatively happy, he had his first steady girlfriend that hasn't tried to kill him , and tho not in any war zones , was still using his gifts to help people , he was healing and happy to the point he was considering not coming back , and i honesty don't believe this was an easy choice or taken lightly on macs part, whose the type of person who wont leave a house he loves despite the fact its literally unsafe, mac had to be happy in a real kinda way to come to this decision , and jack must have known that

but jack still cant fully accept that , hed rather have mac happy AND be with him , then only the former , jack assumes mac is "living a life of misery " because jack is miserable without him , and in that dialog jack admits this to mac and himself out loud for what is probably the first time  

this revelation is so hard on jack , because knowing jack he no doubt thinks this is very wrong of him to feel , jack views riles and mac as his children , but because he hasn't had biological kids of his own for a long and continues amount of time , jack doesn’t understand that theses feeling of a parent in relation to there child are completely normal ,every parent struggles with the balancing act of wanting there child to be happy , and also wanting the child they've raised to be near them

in jakcs mind hes come to the unwanted conclusion that when it comes to mac , he can be greedy and even a little selfish , even if that isn't entirely true and even if mac himslef may not actually feel that way , its how jack is seeing himself now and its put him on edge in concerns to mac

2 jack thinks macs dads physical presence is the only problem

jack and his own father had a completely different relationship in comparison to mac and his dad , but its influencing a lot of jakcs actions , jakcs convinced if big mac is out the building mac will have no problem walking back in , but that's not the real issue ,witch brings us to mac himself and the main problem when it comes to him and his relation to the people around him ,witch is ?

mac is emotionally distancing himself..because his emotions are being disregarded .

macs life was truly torn apart last season after what his father did, hes left  feeling the crushing weight of looking at any and i mean any aspect of his life , and feeling like it doesn’t belong to him ,most likely to the point were doing anything that reminds him of those feelings may even be physically painful , no really , i want you all to imagine building something real that you thought was amazing for years and then having someone tell you “no you didnt do any of that , none of that’s real , you’d have nothing without me ”

god guys its..skin crawling ,and mac was crawling in his own to the point he felt he had to leave the continent to get away from it,of cores macs not acting like who he is , he suddenly has to question every aspect of what that is, mac was faced with a real identity crisis ,and i know for people who haven’t run this kinda race that’s a hard thing to understand , to understand having such a great support system to fall back on ,and not being able to reach out to it , but its a real thing ,and its actually a pretty accurate picture of someone not being able to see past it when there in that much pain , because that’s what this is its pain ,and quite frankly macs handling it better then i did      

i did what mac did to the people around me ,only i didnt have to leave my room to do it, but i was given that space and all the time i needed  to mentally and emotionally heal, the problem is, mac wasn't, not really , mac thought hed found a woman and a purpose, and that was it, hes good , but that's not who mental health works , and it really doesn’t help , that macs kind of the martyr of the group , thanks to his dad mac was pretty much a parentified child from the time he was 10 hes been putting everyone else’s feelings and well-being before himslef for a looong time

and because that was his default setting within the group , it became a shock when mac did something drastic for his own good that put himself first , and weather we or the characters like it or not , that distance was needed, and the slow healing that was happening was cut short, and then he comes back and jack tells him in his own words that he wants him with him to the point of putting him self in harms way , because he knows mac will turn around and put himslef last to save him ,and mac doesn't know what emotionally to do with this , because macs not used to being so wanted , but hes still not healed and being around his father is still hard so he goes to leave again , but then murdoc happens  and mac puts himslef to the back again because someone died , witch brings us to the big point of why "mac+fallout+jack" needs to happen

mac and jack still arn’t right with themselves..and there not talking about it 

mac tries , weakly , at the end of 302 , but jack cuts it down and says there fine , and mac in turn says the same , becaues both of them don't want to acknowledge that something no matter how tiny between them has fractured , but this moment where they both chose not to talk is what sets the tone going forward , jack doesn't let himslef be as close to or open with mac as he was before , and macs feelings, especially when it comes to his father , continue to be pushed aside or misinterpreted ,so mac emotionally distances himslef from everyone and everything and says nothing ,and why would he , mac put his own feeling first , for the first time ..and it was met with a very negative reaction

but they need to have this conversation , and the only thing that may very well bring that about at this point with them playing pretend ,is that mac needs to have an emotional blow up ,hes been pushing all this shit down from all sides and its really been fucking with him , its been a long time coming and there needs to be screaming and crying and yelling , and it may be painful to watch and painful to hear , they may not talk for a day or 2 , but this needs to happen , they need to lay it all out and get themselves right so they can be right together  

mac and jack have both been disillusioned with there seance of self , even if the things they now believe about themselves arnt exactly true , its made them loose the equilibrium within there relationship that has been there constant , their off ,and they need to find each other again.

[yourhappypappypatton]

5 analogical

#5: Can we just pretend like we’re normal for once? Pairing: AnalogicalWord Count: 1060Warnings: Cursing, Depression, Anxiety, mental health problems, near panic attack, mentions of bad parentingSummary: Humman! Au analogical getting together. 

Logan and Virgil were not a normal couple. One was a child protegee, everyone was always so invested in his academic accomplishments, he never had the chance to truly be a child and really be emotionally and mentally healthy. He had to grow up much too fast, so more often than not he simply chooses to ignore all of his emotions, this has earned him many unflattering titles throughout the years. Simply because he’s not empathetic, prefers to work out issues using logic rather than tact, and at times doesn’t yawn when somebody in his immediate vicinity does, does not mean that he’s a psychopath, thank you very much. The other partner was a depressed, anxious child, one whose parents neglected his mental health, and told him to simply get over it. This caused his mental problems to get bigger, and bigger, until he finally got a therapist, Dr. Picani, when he moved out.

 The two men were both emotionally and mentally vulnerable. They needed to find solitude from their problems, and they found that in each other. They met in their sophomore year of College in the library, Logan was perusing a thick book that was nearly the size of his head, writing down notes every once in a while, and Virgil was a few tables over, nearly edged into a panic attack.

Logan had noticed the other man’s erratic breathing, abandoned his task, and helped ground Virgil. He asked if he had permission to touch Virgil, and upon receiving an affirmative, he began to slowly rub circles into the anxious man’s back, directing him to use breathing exercises and to look around for five things he can see, four things he can hear, three things he can feel, and so forth. After getting Virgil down from his near attack, Logan introduced himself. Virgil was drained from the high emotional state he was in, so his mental floodgates could hold less of his thoughts in, so he mumbled “I’m Virge, and you’re kind of pretty.” at that time, many other patrons of the library could have attested to have hearing the human equivalent of the Windows Error Noise coming out of Logan’s mouth. Eventually, he helped Virgil back to his dorm. The encounter was a little awkward for Logan, but he felt that it was the right thing to do, awkwardness aside.

Second semester came along, and with it came some new classes. It just so happened that Logan and Virgil had a class together. Near the end of the first day, Virgil approached Logan somewhat awkwardly and apologized for his actions in the library all that time ago. Logan brushed it off. He didn’t need an apology for something so small in the grand scheme of things. Logan honestly tried to shake off Virgil after that, he had never needed a friend before, and he wasn’t going to start needing one now. Logan had logged into his tumblr after the fiasco of a class and began vaguing about college life, and then posted a few lines of poetry to clear his head before going to his next class. He checked the social media after class and was a little surprised when he saw that someone had messaged him. @panic!ateverywhere…? Was that a reference to something?

Logan opened up the message, and it was a fellow college student. they somehow related to Logan’s position. Apparently they had approached someone in class today, and they had simply brushed them off. How curious, that situation was nearly an exact parallel to Logan’s own. He offered a few objective words of advice to the student to speak to the fellow classmate… if he had only known that the man, Virgil, would use those exact strategies that Logan had suggested to the online user just a few days earlier. Logan raised an eyebrow at that, and then remembered a post that he had saw a while back, saying that you should comment on one’s shoelaces to see if they are also from tumblr, because apparently asking somebody if they are on that specific social network isn’t a “thing to do”.

Logan asked the question, and Virgil looked at him in confusion for a few moments before it dawns on him. He mumbled back “Thanks. I stole them from the president.” Logan nodded once. “Am I to infer that you are @Panic!ateverywhere?” Virgil nodded dumbly. “Yeah, that’s me. Does that mean you’re @LogicallyInfered?” Logan held back a smirk as he copied Virgil’s prior action. “That would be correct.” “Oh… cool.. So, would you- like mind my company… or? Ugh- nevermind.” Logan rested a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “I would not object being friends with you.”

After a while, everyone on campus knew that Logan and Virgil were the dynamic duo. Virgil became more open and snarky the longer he was around Logan. Logan became more emotionally open, going so far as to yell “falSEHOOD!” on more than one occasion, and shocking the entire room. The two were inseparable, and it wasn’t really a surprise to anybody when they began dating about a year after meeting one another. Their relationship really didn’t change all that much except now there was a title, a little more cuddling, and kissing… thing is, even with all of this progress that they’ve made throughout the years, they were still damaged.   Day of graduation, Virgil was combing his hands through Logan’s hair, trying to get rid of his nervous energy. “Lo, I don’t know if I can go through with this. I’m too fucked up for actual society, society won’t let me live off of tumblr commissions and existential crises. I can’t be normal like everyone wants me to be, I just can’t! Logan, they won’t understand… they can’t!” Logan turned around, stopping Virgil from playing with his hair. He grabbed Virgil’s hands gently and pressed a kiss to the back of one of them, his favourite way to show affection. “My dearest, we can act normal for just one day. After today, we can be as odd as we want, I shall help you make your living off of tumblr, and possibly even your many crises. That one British man did it via YouTube.” “Dan Howell?” “Affirmative. We shall figure something out for you, my love.” The two were undoubtedly still damaged, but they had each other.

(A/N) I know I changed the prompt a little bit, but supportive Logan is my lifeblood. I got really into this one. goodness, I love my boys.  If you want to send me a prompt, click here! 

Taglist taken from the Editable Taglist Spreadsheet under the cut.@sanders-sides-thuri@logically-asexual @trivia-goddess@vivimarius@storytellerofuntoldlegends@strangerthings-and-phan@watch-me-introvert@tree4life25@sarcastic-anxious @emokittenlikesgore@paxtonlovestea@neko-ereri@happypappypatton@confinesofpersonalknowledge@urtrashhq@thegirlwiththedragonheart@fandergecko@too-random-for-me@hissesssss@deathbyvenusftw@ill-interested@johnnyboylaurens@the-prince-and-the-emo@inkyroo@staticsanders@allthemetalsoftherainbow@depressed-alone@icbatocomeupwithausername@walking-encyclopedia@magicmapleleaf @pieces-of-annedrew@saphirestrike@asalwayss@anxiousoddish@romanssippycup@virgils-anxiety@redundant-statements-for-400@skylagamingfea@clueingforblogs@rainbow-beaniegirl@vampyrsarah@all-these-trees-stealing-mah-o2@hghrules@migraine-marathon@alextheodd@sandersfanders @pansexual-cat@hanramz-the-fander@darude-sanderstorm@kurna-kovite@royallyanxious@thestoryofme13@silentwhistlingwind@madelynna@a-blog-just-for-sanders@galacticallynonbinary@trashfireiplier@the-optimism-of-the-ostriches@sanderssides-deathangel@lacandra@starry-eyed-haiku-dreamer@digitally-analog@shygirl4991@sides-of-a-sunset@strangerthings-and-phan@musicphanpie-b@superintrovertfangirl@silversunshine2012@makemeaplant@out-of-existence@koalaaquabear@deep-ocean-blues @catsandrandomness@rose-gold-roman@aliferous-ly@musicsavedmefromdeath@devastate-my-space@heythereprincey@yourhappypappypatton@dudlebuggs@sanders-trash-4ever@on-lock-like-attica@siriuswhiskers@thenerdycube@pinkeasteregg@an_anxious_gay_mess@multi-fandom-trash-x9000@kirsten-the-freak@thepusheenqueen@artistictaurean@funsizedgremlin@pal-im-not-clever @logan-exe@thecrimsoncodex@unknownsandersfan @dementeddracon@ive-given-up-on-it@blazeimagines101@sanders-fam-ily@trashypansexual@toujours-fidele@grey-lysander@sehtah@sugarblob0@do-rey-me@septifanderplier@hottopicvirge@rptheturk@urte1108@ffsas-side-account@shadow-walker-1201@milomeepit@fricksonsticks@baileystarsketches@yurai-brokeit@voices-and-stardust@deadinsidebutliving@acechirou@ocotopushugs@lynisnotamused@datonerougecookeh@lana–22@kentato-kenart@robanilla@anxie-teaa @logically-sided@osnapitzbc@areyousirius-noheisdead@ruuworld@aikogumi@kickthecel@theworldismysupernova@jughead-is-canonically-aroace@purplesatankittycat@mercythemermaid@etherealweekes@pearls-of-patton@ahoardofsides@memesanddreamsinc@jade-dragon226-fan@mollycassmith@nightmarejasmine @ace-v-p-d @pandagirl0730@acrobaticcatfeline@thomas-must-get-to-sleep@sesame-icecream@dreamerhowelll@nyxwordsmith@roman-is-a-gay@reba-andthesides@thesilentbluesparrow@angered-turtle@fanatic564

[catastrophizingcupcake]

Up until this last relationship, I’d never really been in love, meaning, I had no real idea what true heartache felt like. Well I’m living it right now. 

My bf/dom and I broke up. I still love him. He still loves me. But he’s in a point in his life where he’s unhappy and deeply depressed. We were literally 4 months away from finally being together after 2 years of separation via plague, but at this juncture, he has decided to kick me out of whatever is going on. I don’t agree or approve. I understand the urge to push people away but I have no choice in the matter. Respecting his wishes and trying to figure out how to be myself, uncoupled. 

I am angry. Because I love him. I love him through it all. I don’t feel anything for other people. It is...difficult for me. I knew I was in love. I vetted him. I made sure it was practical. We constantly communicated and kept each other honest. I was good for him and he was good for me. 

But this fucking plague. This non-stop, neverending thing that takes and takes and takes from people. It stole my relationship. Without visits, we had to work extra hard and be really honest about the circumstances. But we made it through and decided we wanted to keep at it. Then winter came and his depression hit in a way I’ve never seen. He fell hopeless and I tried to support him. I never complained. I never made him feel guilty for not being as social or active. But you can’t stop people from heaping that guilt onto themselves. 

So we’re broken up. For good it seems. He left no window open. He says he doesn’t know what will happen to him. He doesn’t care. He just want me to feel like I’m free to move on. And let me tell you that shit is not flying well for me. 

I don’t just vibe with a man and date. I fall in love. I practice devotion to my partner daily. I perhaps love them in a way that’s not normal. He used to be taken aback by it. I foster an environment of honesty and respect and most important of all(to me) romance. I love love and I believe it’s something you work to maintain. I did it well. But it seemed when he couldn’t keep up, he felt immense guilt. Then with me continuing to treat him well, despite him feeling that he was performing or “earning it”, he felt inadequate. 

Instead of getting the referal for therapy and working on it, he pushed me away. 

I’ve never had this happen to me before. A man pushing me away because I loved them unconditionally(within the boundaries and covenant of our relationship and D/s dynamic). I thought everyone(most people) wanted love. They wanted that kind of love. How the fuck did I find the one man who doesn’t like adoration and care??? I don’t know but I’m devastated. 

I sat with my friends and one asked me genuinely, “do you think there was something else. Secret Family? Cheating? Anything else?” And that’s the part that frustrates me. No. 

He just wants to suffer in silence with no witnesses. My heart aches for him because I also have a mental illness and I know how dark the dark times can be. I wish he trusted me to see them through with him. I wish he loved me enough to believe that I was genuine and not just fulfilling a role. 

I’ve never had someone look at me doing my best and tell me they don’t want it. My pride is shot right now. 

I don’t like the process of looking for a partner. It takes too long and most men are not worth it. The conversation is godawful and most of them, especially in the BDSM community pretend to be smart and emotionally involved but they’re either treating their mother-wound or their narcissists. Besides, I’m literally still in love with this man who sent me away. 

I don’t know what to do. Unrequited crushes are one thing but pining for the love of your life with whom you once had a future sounds like a terrible way to live. 

I could just listen to him and move on, alone. 

That’s probably what I will do but I’m just really hurt by all this. He hid from me. We said we’d never hide. I literally have a fucking personality disorder and I’m always honest about where I am, emotionally and mentally. I don’t know why he couldn’t be honest with me. 

I will stop hurting eventually but oh my god, am I in pain. 

/

[leisurelypanda]

Halloween was tomorrow. Oddly enough, Thor didn’t seem to be celebrating. Or rather, he did seem to be celebrating, just not dressing up as anything or doing anything associated with Halloween. Loki, meanwhile, was beside himself with excitement, which was almost as frightening as the look on his face when he was about to prank someone. Steve wasn’t a huge fan of Halloween himself, either. Too many drunks wandering around the Village for the Halloween Parade. Not that he disliked it, it was fine. He just didn’t understand the appeal.

Halloween fell on a Saturday, this year, which meant that all the shenanigans that happened would be even worse this year because none of the high school hellions had to worry about showing up to school in the morning. However, while the rest of the school seemed to be already high on sugar or whatever else in the way of recreational drugs was floating around the school system, Steve and his group of friends seemed to be indifferent to it all. Except Tony, who might actually be taking some of those recreational drugs.

Steve was working on the drawing he had started of Thor sitting on the stool in his backyard nearly two weeks ago. Or trying to, anyway. He was exhausted. His anxiety had been giving him a hard time lately. He had only gotten a couple hours of sleep the last few nights and it took nearly all his energy to get out of bed this morning. Add to that the constant mental and emotional drain that anxiety had on him, and it was a wonder he had shown up to school at all. He was seriously considering calling his mom to come pick him up.

The picture was almost done, but done enough that he was willing to let Thor look at it. He wanted to finish the little details before he showed Frigga. As supportive as Thor was, his knowledge of the arts was limited. Right now, though, he couldn’t really bring himself to do anything but stare blankly at the picture, completely at a loss for how to finish it.

“Do you have plans for Halloween?” Thor asked.

“Not yet,” Steve replied. “Why?”

“My family is having a bonfire tomorrow night,” he elaborated. “It is not your typical Halloween festivity but it is something we look forward to every year. Do you want to come?”

“You’re inviting him to Samhain?” Loki asked incredulously. “Does he even know what that means?”

“What’s Samhain?” Steve and Tony asked.

“Samhain is basically the pagan new year,” Thor said. “There is frequently a bonfire, people honor the memories of the ancestors, and ask the gods for blessings and guidance for the new year.”

“You’re pagans?” Tony asked.

“We are, indeed!” Thor said with pride. “Though personally, I prefer Yule.”

“Brother, you’re just looking forward to getting drunk this year with mother and father,” Loki said, rolling his eyes.

“And you, dear brother, are just jealous because you’re still not of age,” Thor countered with a grin.

“Will there be drinking at this Samhain celebration?” Tony asked.

“If you are of age,” Thor said. “And of the 4 of us here, Steve and I are the only ones.”

“And I don’t drink,” Steve said.

“Why not?!” Tony demanded.

“I just don’t,” Steve replied.

“Who hurt you?!” Tony cried.

Steve paused in his drawing and didn’t look up. Then he decided that he really didn’t feel like having this conversation with Tony and packed his bag and got up.

“Good job, you ass,” Thor muttered before he got up as well to follow Steve.

“What’d I say?” Tony demanded.

Steve hurried away. He needed to be away from Tony at the moment. His anxiety was starting to act up. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he really didn’t fit in with this weird group of people at all. He wasn’t dramatic or outgoing or boisterous or clever or witty or even that attractive. He was just Steve and they were probably all putting up with him, waiting for him to leave. Thor said he cared about him, but that was probably just--

“Steve, wait up,” Thor said. He paused. The thoughts raged on inside his skull, driving doubt into his life. The part of him that knew that it was irrational wasn’t working today. His brain was running full throttle today. “Are you well?”

“I’m fine,” he lied. He was trying very hard not to crawl into a corner and hide to wait for the panic attack he was absolutely certain was coming. And God, he didn’t have the energy to deal with a panic attack today. He barely had the energy to function like a person.

“You are fine?” Thor asked. “Pardon me for saying so, but you seem a little on edge.”

Steve looked away. Looked anywhere but at Thor. The floor, the ceiling, the lockers, the people around him. He wanted it all to stop for a moment so he could scream until his voice was hoarse. Most of all, he didn’t say anything.

“Steve,” Thor whispered, leaning down to look him in the eye. “Steve, it is okay, talk to me.”

Fuck that. Talk, he thought. That’s the last thing you want to do. You’ll say something stupid and make everything fall apart.

“Please, älskling,” Thor begged. “Tell me what to do to help you.”

Against his better judgment, Steve felt his tongue loosen.

“I’m having a bad day, Thor,” he said, slowly, deliberately.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m struggling with my anxiety, today,” he snapped. Then he kicked himself for it. It wasn’t Thor’s fault, he was just trying to be a good boyfriend. “I’m sorry. I feel like I’m about to explode. It’s not your fault.”

“Is there a way I can help?” Thor asked.

“I need some time to myself to get this out of my system,” he said. “So, I will try to be at your… Samhain tomorrow, but I don’t know.”

“It’s all right, Steve,” Thor said. “You do what you need to do.”

Steve, in spite of himself, hugged his boyfriend. Every one of his brain cells were screaming at him, but he did it anyway. Thor’s hug, usually gentle and firm, was fierce and strong and protective. It did nothing to soothe his mind but physically, it felt good.

“I need to make a call,” he said.

“All right,” Thor whispered. “I wish you well, älskling."

“Thanks, you too.”

Thor walked away. Steve headed towards a secluded part of the school and took out his phone to call his mom. It rang twice before she picked up.

“Steve?” she asked. “What’s wrong?”

He swallowed. “I’m out of spoons,” he said.

“All right, I’m on my way,” she said. “I’ll call the school and tell them that I’m picking you up to go to the doctor. See you soon.”

“Thanks, mom,” he said. “See you soon.”

She arrived shortly after the bell rang for class to start. As soon as they got home he collapsed on the couch and turned on a white noise app of various nature sounds. It was the only time he found such sounds soothing. Usually he opted for sounds of the hustle and bustle of city life. But right now, when his brain was on full alert, anything that sounded like people was stressful and unwelcome. With the nature sounds, he could pretend that he was far away from everyone.

He remembered what Thor told him about Sweden. About the forests, the snows in the winter, about the cities and what it was like to see the Northern Lights on a clear winter’s night. He thought of reindeer and snow and the smells of pine and ice and smoke. It was a dream, to think that Thor would ever actually take him there to see his country, the country he loved so much. But in the wake of his mind screaming fear and impending doom and over analyzing every little thing, it was a good dream. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thor did not hear from Steve for the rest of the day. He also did not show up to either of the classes they shared that day. Loki confirmed that Steve had not been present that morning, either. He tried his best not to worry about it. He tried to do the whole “reflect on your past year and try to figure out what you would like to do differently” thing for Samhain. The problem was, all he could really think about was Steve. Whether he was all right, what he was doing, if he needed anything, if Thor should even do anything aside from letting Steve have time to himself.

It was not helping. Thor reflected back on his past relationships for any clue as to how to deal with this. He had never dated anyone with a mental illness before. It was vexing in a sense. He was the sort of person who wanted to fix problems, provide solutions, be the one his partner leaned on. Now it was like he was powerless. He literally could not do anything to help Steve. It was vexing.

Through some stroke of luck, fate, or the favor of the gods, Thor did not have practice today as there were no games that weekend. Which meant that he and Loki were going home around the same time and Thor got to experience the hustle and bustle that was everyone trying to get home at once.

“How do you live with this every day?” Thor asked.

“Trust me, brother,” he replied. “I have no idea. I thought you were going to the GSA meeting?”

Thor made a noncommittal sound. “Your boyfriend got to my boyfriend,” he said. “That sort of killed that idea.”

“I know, I apologize,” Loki said. “I have tried to be… discreet about subjects that seem to upset Steve, but I fear Tony can be… how do the British say it?”

“A bull in the china shop?” Thor suggested.

“Yes that,” he replied. “Honestly, sometimes I wonder if he is aware of others’ cues or if his brilliant brain gets in the way.”

He had a point. Tony was a year younger than Loki but he was, like Thor and Steve, in all advanced classes. He could, theoretically, graduate. Why he was not going to do so was beyond Thor.

Mr. Baker was waiting for them when they arrived at the front door. That was something at least. Thor was uncharacteristically impatient to get home. He could not figure out why. Maybe he was needing some time alone himself, for once. It was known to happen on occasion. He could not be expected to spend every waking moment of everyday with people, much as he frequently did so.

When he got home he literally dropped his bag at the door and collapsed on the couch. His mother was waiting for them. He would have thought that she would be getting ready for the Samhain celebration beginning tonight and ending the day after Halloween. Three days of celebration, reflection, and ringing in the new year. Thor mostly looked forward to the part that fell on Halloween. His parents always got a pig roast for the celebration and usually the whole neighborhood showed up to get some, carve pumpkins, bob for apples, all the usual harvest festival things. The fact that their strangely traditional, conservative Christian neighborhood helped them celebrate one of the most pagan holidays since Christmas amused his family every year.

“Are you all right, dear?” she asked.

“It was a rough day, mother,” he groaned into a pillow.

“What happened?”

He sighed. “Steve was having a bad day with his anxiety,” he said. “He went home early.”

She remained silent.

“I do not know what to do, mother,” he said. “I want to help, I want to fix it, but I cannot. There is nothing I can do.”

“Well, I do not know what to say to you to help,” she admitted. “Perhaps he just needs time.”

“That is what he said,” he admitted. “But I do not know how to do that.”

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” she asked.

He thought for a moment. “Can I have a reading?”

Her eyebrows rose slightly. He rarely asked for a reading. He tended to do well on his own, tried to figure out his own problems. The last time he had asked for a reading, it had been earlier that year right after he learned that his ex was cheating on him. It hadn’t been a serious relationship, not as serious as he considered his relationship with Steve. But it had been important to him. It turned out that Thor was bad at long-distance relationships and living in America with a boyfriend in Sweden was about as long-distance as they got. Still, he had asked for a reading seeking a measure of objectivity.

“What are you seeking?” she asked. He thought for a moment.

“Clarity,” he said. “Guidance.”

She smiled. “Well, it is Samhain,” she said. “A perfect time for these things.”

She left to fetch a deck. She tended to collect them. Some were gifted to her, others she had purchased herself. Thor knew very little of magick. It was too esoteric and intuitive for him. He was more of an action oriented person. Magick was something that his mother and Loki were drawn to. Maybe it had something to do with being artists.

She returned a few minutes later and offered a prayer to Freya, conveying what he was seeking. Thor silently sent his own prayer to Baldr, the god of his choice, as well. He and his mother both chose to honor Baldr, as the god of light and joy. Thor chose Baldr out of a desire to hold the light in the forefront of his mind. His mother chose to do so since, as a diplomat’s wife, her role was to ensure that the people around her were happy and cared for. She also honored her namesake, Frigga, in that capacity.

“Think of the situation that you need clarity on,” she said, setting the deck before him. “When you are done, shuffle the deck with this question in mind.”

Thor focused on his relationship with Steve, on his desire to help him, his inability to do so. He bridged the deck a few times until he felt satisfied with how it turned out.

“Think of your situation,” she said again. “Choose a card that represents the area you need clarity in.”

Again, he focused. He thumbed through the cards until he felt that he had reached the right one. He set it down on the table in front of him, but did not turn it over.

“Next, think of the obstacle in the way of your desired outcome for this situation and choose a card.” Thor repeated the process. This time the card came quickly, as it was on top of the deck.

“Now think about the advice you need to see this situation resolved, however that may be,” she said. He leafed through the deck until he found the third card. When he set it down on the table, his mother said a final prayer inviting the influence of their divine patrons in helping them understand the situation at hand.

He turned over the first card, his situation.

“The Lovers,” she read. Thor huffed in amusement. “It seems appropriate. You’re in a good place with Steve, but there’s a new element in play now. The Lovers can represent a major dilemma in your life.”

She thought for a moment. “You’re in a bit a trial, actually. You must consider carefully what the right path for you is and what that entails. Whatever you do, though, be sure that it is true to who you are.”

Thor nodded and turned over the next card.

“The five of cups, inverted,” she read. “This is interesting. Here the five of cups represents an end to sorrow and melancholy, being ready to move on. Since it is in the obstacle position, I think it says that you are being impatient.”

“Impatient?” Thor asked.

“You want too much too soon, dear,” she said. “You need to give this dilemma time to resolve itself. You are ready, but you need to understand that what Steve needs from you precludes what you want from him.”

“Right, fine,” he grumbled. “Perhaps the cards are saying I need to work on patience in general.”

“That is possible,” she said. With that, Thor flipped the third card over.

“The queen of cups,” she said, smiling. “As I was just saying, you need to be sensitive to the needs of your lover. You need to consider his emotional well-being and act accordingly.”

“But, what if this is something that never really resolves itself?” Thor asked.

“Then you really need to work on your patience, dear,” she said. She moved over to his side of the table and took his hands in hers. “Thor, all relationships take work. They’re all hard. We all have fears and insecurities and try as you might, you cannot fix them by sheer force of will.”

“What do I do then?” he asked. “I care about him, mother. I hate seeing him so.”

She rested a hand on his cheek. “You want to be the one people look to for support,” she said. “Especially for your lovers. Perhaps this is a time to learn what that means for Steve. Do you understand?”

“No,” he confessed.

“Good. That would defeat the purpose of learning the lesson,” she said, gathering up her cards. “And for what it’s worth, dear, I do believe that you and Steve can figure it out.”

“Is this another one of your infallible feelings?” he asked with a rueful grin.

“Yes actually,” she said. “Now go get dressed. Samhain starts tonight and your father expects you to look respectable.”

Thor sighed. Then he embraced his mother. “Thank you, mother.”

“Oh my darling boy,” she said. “Any time.”

[cameoamalthea]

there is ABSOLUTELY a “wrong way to process trauma” and that is by retraumatizing yourself “to cope” and being a pedophile :/

Hi there Anon,

This will be a long response and part of it is under a read more. My theme is not very reader friendly (sorry - need to fix that) so I suggest reading on your dash if you have the extension for that or copy/pasting into a document. Sorry again.

I assume you’re referencing this post. I’m not sure what drama has gone in the thread from that post, because no one reblogged any commentary meant for me from me, but based on your ask I’m assuming some folks misunderstood me. Allow me to clarify.  

The point of the post is to respond to @shipwhateveryouwant ‘s post about lack of empathy by pointing out that empathy is hard, especially if you’re dealing with triggers.

I was talking to her.

The “There’s no wrong way to react trauma” refers to getting upset other things that trigger you and coming to the conclusion ‘this is gross’ ‘this is triggering’ ‘this is wrong’

It’s OK to feel that way.

It’s OK to feel anyway that you feel, because your emotions are 100% valid.

However, as my post recommended, it’s important to fact check.

A bit of background, in case you just came here because of that post and aren’t stalking my blog.  I’m a survivor of abuse, including CSA, and that left me with scars, both physical and mental.  I’m in group therapy DBT, individual therapy which includes EMDR, couple’s therapy (sometimes when two people who have PTSD are in a relationship it can be hard, since we both have to cope with the effect of our partner’s abuse on the other), and I did a year of physical therapy (pelvic floor).

I blog about my recovery, and things I learn because A) Being open about being in therapy (while making me a bit vulnerable) says ‘therapy is nothing to be ashamed of’ and neither is being a survivor, I’m not pretending it never happened AND B) So people who might not have heard about these treatment options of think nothing can help, can see what worked for someone else and know what happened (literally, it took me years to find a treatment plan that worked, and I really thought I was permanently damaged mentally and physically, so it was a big deal when I found out there were things that could help me).

So in my post I used an example of one my big triggers, drugs and the drug trade (I really really have major issues here). However, when I got out of emotion mind and checked the facts, I realized fans of breaking bad weren’t hurting anyone and weren’t trying to hurt me.

I was trying to explain to OP why empathy is such hard work, especially when you’re caught up in you’re emotions. When you’re angry, or hurt or scared.

I’m not angry that people enjoy a TV show that I don’t like…

I’m angry (tw discussion of addiction, child abuse, csa)

 that I was born with drugs in my system. I’m angry that my mother continued to use on and off while raising me. I’m angry she fell into heavy drug use and endangered my life. I’m angry I was raped as a kid. I’m angry my own mother threatened to sell me to self traffickers and tried to get me be sexually active at like 13/14 with boys my age she’d leave alone with me (whether I wanted them there or not) because she thought it would make me more willing to turn tricks for her because she needed money (she was supposed to sell drugs for the cartel, but she felt you had to sell drugs Mary Kay style using herself as the free demo, she owed them a lot of money).

 I’m angry that I lost my mother, that the person I love disappeared inside the addiction and she became a really awful person when was high. She wasn’t great when she was mostly sober, she always had untreated mental illness and she was always abusive/inappropriate verging on incest, but she’s still my mother and she was all I had and I loved her. I was a child, you love your mommy, and I’m angry that I didn’t have a mother I didn’t have to be afraid of and I 100% blame the drug use because addiction is a fucked up thing.

So I got angry when I saw artists I liked posting Breaking Bad fanart AUs and candy meth picks, because it felt like they were treating something very not funny (drugs and drug addiction, along with the pain I’ve had as a result) as a joke.

However, how I felt doesn’t dictate facts.

I had to step back, check the facts, and realize people liking Breaking Bad weren’t trying to hurt me (or actually hurting me. What other people watch on TV doesn’t effect me).

 They weren’t trying to make fun of my experiences or make light of a serious issue. I also knew from my academic research on the topic of whether media influences norm that it really doesn’t… (I did a pre-law minor focused on social justice, and Freshmen Year I set out to prove porn hurt women and caused rape, and quickly found that evidence didn’t support my thesis, video games don’t cause violence, porn doesn’t cause sexual violence – and no I don’t still have the paper, unless I manage to find it on an old hard drive and most of my sources are outdated by now, I’d have to re-research – but I’m actually not here to argue the point).

So I believed, based on evidence and my own research, that media is worthy of critique but doesn’t influence behavior directly. This is my own belief, and I don’t want to argue it. But despite that, despite the fact I didn’t think fiction causes crime, I HATED BREAKING BAD. I felt like it was romanticizing Drugs and making people not take something serious seriously…

Because I wasn’t thinking about it rationally.

I was thinking about it based on my emotions. How I felt.

In DBT we learn that to think of your mind like a Venn Diagram. Rational Mind is one circle, Emotional Mind is in the other circle, and in between is Wise Mind.

Wise Mind is acknowledging your emotions/how something makes you feel but also being able to bring in rational mind, to fact check, which means asking does how I feel fit the facts and remembering that feeling something doesn’t make it true.

If you’re just in rational mind, you can be cold and ignore other people’s feelings, which can make them feel invalidated and make you less effective in dealing with your own feelings (don’t ignore them) and others.

If you’re just in emotional mind, you’re not thinking clearly. You might break down and cry or lash out and hurt someone. You can’t really address the thing that’s upsetting you because you’re not in a place where you can even think clearly about it without getting upset.

If pure rational mind is behind the wheel you’re not a good driver, if pure emotion mind is behind the wheel you’re not ok to drive.

It’s not easy to find wise mind. Mindfulness is the most practiced skill in DBT  (it’s a year long class and six months of it just repeating Mindfulness and the other six months are bringing in those skills to apply to other issues…Wise Mind is from the unit on Emotional Regulation…I’ve been in DBT for nearly four years, repeating the class, honing the skills – it’s not easy).

But we should try, for ourselves and others.

I hope OP takes from my post some understanding of where you’re coming from anon and that it’s really hard to be empathetic when something makes you angry, let alone when you’re triggered.

That it’s important to validate.

Rational Mind says ‘people are taking fiction way to seriously. It’s just a TV show, there’s no reason to be upset’

Wise Mind is realizing that feelings aren’t rational and they really are hurting. Even if they don’t lay out their feelings clearly like I did with ‘why Breaking Bad upsets me’ it’s enough to see that someone is upset. If someone is upset, it’s serious to them, validate that.

“I’m sorry that you were hurt. I understand that this reminds you of your trauma. I will tag anything you need. No one should pressure you to deal with triggers you aren’t ready to deal with and I want to make it possible for you avoid things. You seem really upset right now, though, so I don’t think we should fight about anything. We’re not in a place where we can. be calm and get anything out of it. You seem really caught up in a lot of negative emotions. Why don’t you take a break. Go get some ice cream or color or get your mind off things for bit? If you don’t think you’ll ever be ‘not upset’, then I’ll go ahead and block you since my content is bothering you. Have a nice day.”

I hope that you anon, if you bother to read all the way here, takes away from this post that it’s ok to be angry, but realize that feelings aren’t fact and being upset doesn’t justify hurting others.

And attacking people based on what they read or what TV shows they like is hurting others.

Calling anyone a pedophile is hurtful. (that’s a very serious accusation Anon, and not one your should use lightly. Don’t go crying wolf about child predators, it makes people less likely to take real accusations seriously - like if someone calls someone else a pedophile does that mean they’re a sexual predator and a child molester or does that mean they like a TV show I don’t like or read stories that I find upsetting). Again, your feelings are valid Anon, but someone liking a TV show you don’t like doesn’t make them a danger to anyone. Hurting real children makes them a danger to children. We shouldn’t water down terms. We need to take threats to people seriously.

Calling CSA survivors pedophiles, comparing survivors to their abusers or implying they are to blame for their abuse past or future is hurtful.

I like Game of Thrones. I think Jon and Danny are a good match, both as people and politically. I don’t see anything wrong with the relationship, she’s biologically his aunt but they have no relationship.

I like Ouran High School Host Club, and my favorite characters are the twins. Sometimes you can like a messed up story because it’s messed up. It’s just a story.

I ship Catwoman and Batman, and think they’re cute together in Gotham. I like that backstory. I also think Mike and Eleven are cute together. 

I like reading and writing fanfic about teenage video game characters that I’ve liked since I was a teenager. I relate to a video game character and take something positive from his story and his relationship with his best friend even though the relationship in game is unhealthy.

This isn’t ‘re-traumatizing’ myself and it’s not ‘being a pedophile’. 

I have a degree in creative writing and I look at books as works of art and craft, not moral guides. I look at characters as tools, not people.

That’s not ‘being a pedophile’ that’s being someone with an English Degree (I miss just being able to identify as an English major, saying I have a degree sounds so pretentious to me). That’s being a writer. 

I admit that I like relationships between predator and prey, between people and monsters. That’s not ‘re-traumatizing myself’ either.

Abuse, in my experience, has been when someone you love, someone you’re supposed to be able to trust and feel safe with instead hurts you and makes you unsafe. It’s a betrayal of trust. It makes you question if you’re lovable or worthy of love because someone who was supposed to care for you hurt you.

I like stories about monsters. You’re not supposed to be able to trust a monster. The monster makes you feel afraid. It’s going to hurt you. It’s nature is to hurt you. I like stories where instead of killing you the monster falls in love with you and changes, becomes loving and trustworthy and keeps you safe. It’s a fantasy of being so special, or mattering so much, of being so love able that that you can tame dragons. 

It’s about the inverse of abuse. A power fantasy. Exploring fear and helplessness within a safe controlled fantasy.

That’s not ‘re-traumatizing’ myself. I promise, I’m fine anon. I’m not hurting myself and I have a support network. Thank you for your concern, though, but please remember you’re not responsible for anyone else.

It’s scary, but you don’t control the world or others. If you’re afraid someone is doing something that hurts them, sometimes you have to accept you can’t change that. (And that’s hard, I know, my mother is a drug addict). Sometimes you have to distance yourself. If people are doing things that upset you, block them and that content, take a step back.