#if only me taking my adhd meds everyday showed up in me Getting Shit Done instead of rambling in tumblr tags

[bfpnola]

do you have any tips on managing adhd when you can't get professional help and meds? Especially when I have a ton of schoolwork like 3-4+ important things a day when I can only manage 1-1.5.

hey sweetheart! i'm not sure when you sent this in, so i apologize for just seeing this. i'll try to organize my thoughts into bullet points so it isn't a chunky paragraph:

community! having a support network, for better or for worse, really is everything. (for worse because not everyone may have one, but it can be easy to start building one online at least.) i say this because 1) delegation, 2) body doubling, and 3) of course, emotional support.

delegation, meaning giving out tasks to different folks, can be helpful because then you aren't the only person completing these tasks!

body doubling is something i do, without fail, literally everyday, meaning i do my work in the same space as someone else who is also working because it motivates me to do more! whenever i see my roommate cleaning or typing away, before i even make the conscious decision to do so, i do work too. i even get texts like the screenshot below (literally yesterday) because all of my friends are neurodivergent except maybe one. find a set of friends you can count on for body doubling! there's also in our Academic Resources a site called Study Stream that lets you sit on Zoom with a bunch of other random students but personally that makes me feel awkward lol

[ID: Screenshot of text sent through iMessage, the "heart," "thumbs up," "thumbs down," laughing, "exclamation point," and "question mark" icons floating above. The text reads, "Hey, so I'm working on aleks and doing other tasks and I'd like to have a body double who'd be interested in kicking it afterwards. You interested?" For context, Aleks is a program used to complete math problems assigned by professors.]

and lastly, emotional support, the obvious one. when it feels like you have no one supporting you, excuse my language, but this shit gets hard. especially when you're low on spoons, if you know about spoon theory. you need that support!

i'd also say that prioritization is an important skill. sometimes, you really won't get everything done, and it is genuinely frustrating. i try to order my work by what's due soonest so i'm getting closer work out of the way. but you can also order them by hardest to easiest to do so you knock out the absolutely worst thing out of the way so if you do still have energy you just have little stuff left. OR you can do the opposite so you finish more tasks by completing a list of easy stuff. it's really about what makes most sense to you so i can't really make that decision for you.

reward systems tend to work really well, that or conditionals. what i mean by that is gamifying the process of completing tasks. my favorite example of this is actually a new trend on tiktok created by @/luxarnold and then further developed by @/this.isjules and @/fromwonder. if you don't have titkok, basically these folks have put ALL of their tasks in either some sort of arbitrary numerical order or ordered by the energy it would take to complete, and when they roll a dodecahedron (20-sided) die, it lands on one of the numbered tasks and that's what they complete. the more tasks they complete, the more health points they deplete off of this imaginary monster they've created. and at the end, just like a game, they win a prize for defeating the monster. some creators wrote extra hours to watch their favorite TV show, some wrote time for crafting, some wrote specific objects. video example below:

an example of a conditional to me is more like every time i check my phone, i force myself to at least take a tiny sip of water. and you could do the opposite. maybe every time you consume your favorite snack, you complete one assignment until it becomes like habit.

breaks! this girl once said that you should be taking breaks based not on how much you complete, but the energy you deplete. and i live by that now! it doesn't matter if you completed only 2 tasks. if you can afford to, i encourage you to just take the break if your body feels drained. pushing past that will not serve you in completing those other tasks to the best of your abilities. if you don't feel like you can hold yourself accountable this way, i would suggest maybe checking out Pomodoro timers.

bravery! at least in my case, i needed bravery to contact my professors and be vulnerable with them. not every teacher will be so kind, but if you feel comfortable, please reach out and explain that the workload does not work well for you. you'd be surprised by the number of folks who are willing to offer you accommodations. i will literally text my teachers at this point and say, "hey, i just had an anxiety attack and i know by now how long it takes me to regulate myself. i won't be able to attend XYZ/turn in XYZ, so can i instead attend/turn it in on [insert date]?" ask for that help, but also be clear that you do still want to show up and do your best, you just need support right now!

gentleness. i think this may be my last bullet point. like i said earlier, the reality is that you very well may not finish everything that you need to. this is a long-term piece of advice, but it's necessary to be gentle with yourself. cliche, i know, but it's true. i've been slowly unlearning these ideas of perfection and it's rough, friend. truly rough, because as i allow myself to make more mistakes, obviously things aren't in tip-top shape anymore. but to make mistakes, to be imperfect, to be vulnerable, especially in such trying times, is part of being human. right now, you're trying to conform to neurotypical, able-bodied perceptions of productivity and the truth is that we can't all do that. i surely can't. this world was not built for us, so we must reframe what we consider success. or at the very least, we can carve out our own space, hopefully with others to support us, to provide ourselves gentle care. you don't have to love yourself. you don't even have to like yourself, i know i'm still getting there. all you have to do is recognize that as living beings, really just as "beings" in general because i'd like to think our inanimate objects deserve care as well, we all deserve gentleness.

i know this was a lot but i had plenty of ideas buzzing like bees in my mind. let me know if you need help understanding anything i wrote. please excuse any potential typos. LOVE YOU, MWAH <3

-- @reaux07 (she/they)

[toytulini]

me taking my adhd meds everyday is showing up in how i keep rambling in the tags again

[hyperfixationtimego]

Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Like

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d

[dionysus-is-my-dude]

Life Update:

Yo, I was gone for a long time again. I finally got my desktop tumblr working again after clearing all my cache stuff on my laptop. Thank you to the staff member who let me know what to try ‘cause I woulda never figured that out on my own.

Anyway, what has Luna been up to? I started school AGAIN, this time shooting for art education, though I may cut out the education and just go straight art and maybe some theatre now that my brother has just served me some “don’t waste your talent” pie. Yes, I love singing and dancing and acting and being on stage and dressing up and oof, I LOVE THEATRE. My only issue with going after it right now is my health. My right foot is screwed up, and I’m overweight. But, once I get my foot better, I’ll be back to working out. I don’t have the money to eat that healthy right now. I’ll be surviving on toast and bagels and cheap, easy meals for a few weeks unless I get my hours at work back up. But anyway, I would REALLY love to do theatre. I’d have to get a vocal coach ‘cause my voice ain’t what it used to be with no practice. (I rarely sing these days.) I can’t sing as high as I used to, though maybe I’m just VERY out of practice.

And my brother is right. I DON’T have any real drive. I half-ass things when I’m not really in the mood. An artist can’t do that. I find myself struggling to come up with good ideas. Whenever I’m not at work, I’m writing self-insert fanfiction and scrolling through inspiration, but not actually doing much with it. But I used to live for rehearsals, for music and dance practice, for blocking, for getting my costume, doing my hair and make-up. All that. I felt alive during a show. I WAS at one point going to school to get a Bachelor’s in Theatre, but I couldn’t afford to live on campus and eventually couldn’t afford to drive back and forth everyday, so I had to drop out. Plus, I still hadn’t been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or ADHD, so I was really struggling. I wish I had persisted. I’d be done with school by now, with all the proper credentials and skills learned to participate in any area of theatre, from on-stage to backstage to shop. Dropping out of that path was the biggest regret of my life, honestly. I was more concerned about not having a job and starving because I was too full of pride to ask for help.

I don’t know. I feel like you don’t NEED a degree to be a stage actor. Like, you just need talent and experience, right? So, I’ll take vocal lessons online or something, to get my voice back to full strength, and I’ll try to get into local musicals, though we may not have any during the pandemic. But I’m still gonna finish school currently to get an art education degree to have something to fall back on, y’know?

SO, outside of all the school and career stuff, I had yet another falling out with my dad, this time because of something someone else told him about me. He didn’t even ask ME about it, and I was so fed up with his BS that I didn’t bother explaining myself. I just blocked him.  I’m so, so TIRED of dealing with him and his lack of emotional intelligence. My BROTHER thought he was a sociopath, but my dad acts more like it, the way he treats us. My therapist said it’s really healthy for me to be setting this boundary. My brother thinks my dad treats me like this because I don’t talk to him or spend time with him. But when I DO talk or spend with him, he just makes me feel like shit. So, why would I continue to speak and hang out with someone who makes me feel like that? I don’t care that he physically took care of me my whole life. I don’t care that I’m in his will. If he weren’t my dad and he were a boyfriend, everyone would tell me to avoid him, right? Why is it different just because he’s a father figure? He’s a shit one. I don’t want him in my life.

I have a lot of feelings today, sorry. I burned myself cooking tilapia the breadcrumbs aren’t even cooked so I’m throwing them back into the oven. Yes, I’ve taken my meds today. I’m just not in a good headspace after talking to my therapist today and having my little brother lecture me on not wasting my talent.

[threenorth]

Tw blah blah blah who gives a rats ass.

It's only me.

It's beautiful... Yet so hard to be me...

Yet it's more painful to write... Especially over you.

This one out of the many I'm working on...

It's about our relationship through the digital world but i show it in a way that isn't so.. Typical.

It's a about a man who gets trapped in two worlds, think tale of two cities by dickens.

But France is England and England is France.

My doctor says the best writers are good thinkers because they think through their thoughts he suggested asked if i would take a indirect prescript for a book recommendation on mental health i told him I'll try but I'm a stoic at heart he laughed and recommended me mediations by Marcus arelis and i told him ah yes, well everytime i hit the ground I get back up but this time is thr hardest get backup but the whole be pushed 6 down six times get up seven.

on stotism, oh man i love and hate this guy.. You'rd love to hate him too...

He tells me i need to be more able to communicate my feelings and thoughts.. Another blow to my rebuild...i try to write... But it's hard enough being autsic let alone dyslexic too.

Rise of the Nerodiverse i say but we suffer such terrible things, I'm worried that my date nights will become therapy days...

If you could speak for me it would be so nice,.. I told your boy freind about your past, if you never did and he didn't seem to notice my curve ball.

He talked about my mental health, yes it's in the slammer but that's our problem we care to much for each other that we burn a bit of ourselfs for each other, I've had my share of burning myself because what you said but i didn't really click that this time i too burned you. when you need to speak i told him your demons names and he didn't probably ask about them or even care about their names to see my ploy. I might not know the new you, but i know enough.

You tell me i give you an axitety.

Well you give me panic attacks.

But if I could take your grey away like i had done before i would, but now i see i am the pain i thought i was and why i left...

I would say why didn't you warn me but you did, i just refused to admit i would be in that boat.

You ssid things like if you date me your be the cute one saying I'm the cute one oh nonoonono you forgot i look at you and your my cute one.

I would try to come back but every step is a bolt of lightning. And if i saw one coming for you I'd push it away and take the hit.

One day you might remember my eyes change or if you saw the video by now... you have to remember seeing must them grey i told you I swear that's my danger zone, but my greens i thought was my stability now I'm not sure because maybe i'm bipolar I'm probably tripolar at this rate, with my eyes blues I thought was bad but maybe their good.

But the toy store and candy store those are me happy so only you could tell me what you remember...

I will have to be on meds maybe longer then I'd like to be but if I'm a mindless zombie that's what I'd be so can have happyness.

You say you can't trust me and I'd say things like i never told anyone about their names before until that day and he still didn't seem to spot my lie.

God i wish i recoded that call...

Anyway vents aside, your gonna be messaging a dead of page soon enough and i don't plan retuning.

I thought you came to wish me happy birthday so i thought I'd tell you who i am but then that message today yep message received.

Maybe I'll dig out these letters one day if I still have them.

My words are powerless and your words are painful.

Maybe when your stable you can ask me if I am and I'd tell you that I am but when I think i am now I'm uncertain if that's stable.

You said his name and it smacked me, you had taken 2 years to get over me, here's news for you.. I never got over you, I'd tell you that but you wouldn't believe me so here's a wild idea, go look at my blog and maybe your see something that means something to you or worse you don't know why i rebloged it most of my content had been whwt I'm doing or thinking about and sometimes ultimately linking back to you.

I would remove myself from my blog permanently but then we only have fb and instagram.

I don't like those but my instgram might shed light on my world between the days or what have you.

I'm doing okay but I've got a few wounds to clean.

You don't need to apologise, i would but you wouldn't believe me.

It's hard that one day i know your deepest thoughts you could have mine but I didn't share incase they hurt you...and the next I'm just a stranger, you will never be treated as a stranger to me but i guess now you are just a fucking beautiful stranger.

I fucking wish i hated you but i don't.

You hate me, that hurts me because i wish i came back sooner but i didn't want to drag you through the fucking mud and look what happens to me, the one person that I'm haunted by a kiss gets through the fucking mud.

2021 the year i got everything i wanted and the things i didn't want came back for free.Including things i didn't want come, but at least now you have your answers or whatever the fuck i don't know because everytime we talk, it's always the wrong time. So I'd tell you there's no perfect time that's why we have to talk it out but you keep pushing me to a wall.

You asked me if i missed something I was going to say thank you and leave but it hit me harder because i want you... I miss you... I love you...

And maybe your see that when you stable off but I'm not comfortable with going back i tried, i thought i was doing what people said but i guess my brain hears things differently.

With adhd you may see the tiktoks about object permanence, your in my mind i will never forget you, the laugh, the smile but my favourite was your brown eyes...they were like stars but in the day.

Everyday you made me so alive.

Everyday i was loosing my fight but i stayed because of you.

I feel like shit but hey it's a pain i dervse.

If i could be anywhere right now in the world rather then being in colorado I'd pick Nepal and risk climbing Everest to show you what i would do for you, i could die many ways one being when you hugged me i couldn't breathe, i didn't have my inhalers snd at altudie i suffered three days of unable to eat or drink properly, but i didn't mind it... You feed me like no food could.

I'm glad i didn't die before i met you.

I'm sad that now i want you everyday i must die to tell you my thoughts and wished it would break you down and we can be what we we're.

Best freinds and part time lovers.

I wish you could try all the coffee's of Wellington.

I wish you my best but that's never enough for you even if one minute a day i think of you for the rest of my life.

Thank you for being my favourite human, please know i thought i knew my triggers but i guess there's new ones.

I would tell you we should talk but we need safe words but i guess i'm gonna have to learn to slam down my laptop screen.

It's never because of you.

It's because always because of me.

I'm suffering now because yes i blew it.

But if you remember those feelings aren't they worth all the fuck ups? I thought they would be but now all i do is fuck up.

I hope you read every last word but maybe every lsst word I'd pick isn't right.

I'd never speak again if it met i saw you everyday.

I'd never breathe if it ment i could see you.

But i do both because my life was given to me by you.

I don't know if you had learnt strength but for me i kept thinking about my log cabin with you... That's what got me up and now i feel like someone removed it and I'm stuck with my orangey sunsets with the words.

TBWBHOS

Written on the clouds.

I have always wanted to be yours from the day i fallen, to the days i was in pain suffering in the sea.

It's buried but I'll say it again i gave you an anchor, you keep me steady on the rough waters.

I'm tired and tredding but I'm fighting this fight you talked about, i just didn't understand it all i saw was my truma.

You didn't know but you kept giving me attacks of disoation, I'd tell you every word you use It hurts now but I'm glad they hurt i haven't felt like this in forever and it hurts you say them...

I'd tell you ask me your questions but i won't see them, I'd tell you my favourite days of the year but you know them.

Whatever you want from me, the thing i wanted most of all was my rainbow, my inridscent rainbow that i had to put up with rain for...

You.

Out of all my words.

My door is always open for you, i didn't start my life yet because i wanted you to come along...

[delightfullyyoungsandwhich]

You ever get that feeling...

Hi, this is gonna be a bit of a rant so if you don’t want to read, I’m chill with that, okay. So, feelings... Am I right.

I hate my feelings. Like I start catching feelings for some bitch (they’re usually not bitches and are usually amazing people in all actuality, but I feel better calling them bitches cause they hurt me without trying to soooo). Okay, these bitches who are super kind and smart and funny and likes the same things as me and my bitch as decides to be all la di da di da don't show your feelings la di da di doo and so they go and these bitches catch feelings for my other friends or just end up not liking me back. Like who tf does that >:( (jk I know it's not their fault plz no hate)

So now whenever I look at a picture of them I get this pain deep in the bottom of my stomach thats just dread because like I was so hopeful they liked me back but then they started dating one of my close friends and so I know that they don’t like me and I screwed it up the other day and let them know that I was a satanist (which is not as bad or evil as most think it is) and they were all like i’m a christian and so I oofed myself bad I’m sad and I’ve gotten back into my old cycle of procrastination and depression and its just not good.

But, good news is none of my friends suspect me because I have adhd so even if I am super depressed I can’t sit still and I cant concentrate and so I’m always moving around and jumping and doing things that aren’t normal for depression but then at home I just watch netflix and dont do my homework and get behind which is something that i thought I had gotten over but obviously I havent and so I have an essay due tomorrow that I havent done yet and I’m still fantasizing about a cute relationship with the person and like I know it will never happen but they’re the only person I know who genuinely prefers the same food and snacks as me so its like so sad and I’ve just been in terrible shape and doing everything I can to keep up with all of the good habits I had picked up while I was doing slightly better, like doing my homework and showering every other day instead of putting it off because I just want to sit and wallow and be depressed and shit and now all of my bad habits are reforming and I’m scared that I’m going to let everyone down and everything is just falling apart and like I need help but whenever I try to get it no one believes me because ‘I'm always so happy’ and ‘nothing is ever wrong with me’ ( quotes from my friends). But like they know that I’ve ‘suffered’ with depression (they know its still ongoing but dont realize that everyday is a bad day recently) and hfjhgurhjnfvgdsuhkffgdsuhjfbhdjfnmvdhcgudygfhjdknmcbhudiuyfghjdnvhgcuhd I just I can’t handle it rn honestly, like I’m practicing my solo for choir and doing the essay at the same time because if I mess up even once everything is going to fall apart all at once and things are slightly okay right now so I can’t handle a mental breakdown so I won’t let myself have one and just do the things as best as I can and only break down at night in bed after taking some sleep meds for my insomia. I should be alseep rn, but I can’t because of the essay and shit and I have a shit ton of test coming up and I’m working and softball and everything is just pilling up and my room is disgusting and my cat doesn’t love me and i love myself but I wish i loved myself back (to quote someone else idk its not mine tho) and like i just need some help bed. 

Yeah. Sorry about that. Carry on to less bad stuff. i just really needed a place to vent that my irl friends don’t really see. So thank you, Ciao!