#if somebody wants to describe them instead thats cool!!! ^^

[spideyladman]

Cosmo and Pearl outfit swap :) human or not is fine👍🏻

THEY!!!!!! 🤲🤲🤲

Them up-close too!!!

And some comics I made of 'em experiencing with wearing the clothing!!!

(Also for some reason the "read more" line option screws the images in which they're ordered up in drafts so- xd)

And them with their gorgeouse dynamic <333🤲🤲🤲

I rembered your drawing with Cosmo kissing while holding Pearl and I just had to do a reversal spin on that lol- <3

Also goddamn I'm so proud of these darn shoes and feet and the quality of the camera didn't show it clearly camera why- 😭

I had a lot of fun drawing 'em clothes-swapped!!! <333👍

[deminetly]

୨NOT SO DEEP JOURNALING PROMPTS୧

⠂⠁⠈⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠂⠁⠈⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂

if somebody were to make a love potion for you, what should they add in?

make a collage about your dream future

describe how you imagine pictures in your head

your fig tree

the loot you would drop in a video game

what are you currently feeling, wearing, thinking, loving, needing, wanting, hating, regretting, missing?

write down every single thought that comes up until the page is full

whats in my bag collage

write down a guide to having a good/productive day

your life story as a playlist

3-5 things you would save in a fire

“maybe I was born to…” (and add things that make you happy)

random and specific things that would “fix” you (ex: a new journal, a really sweet cup of tea)

what were you interested in as a child? go out and do those things and write down how you felt. did it feel the same as it did when you were younger?

if you could switch lives with someone forever then who would it be?

what kind of planet would you want to live in if you were an alien? (weather, gravity, nature, magic, creatures etc)

ask people you know for movie recommendations, watch and analyse the movies. why do you think they like the movie?

make up totally useless superpowers for superheroes

write down all of the lives you would be happy living

make a resume

deep dive on why you’re always sad on your birthday

write down small things that make life worth living

think of the coolest person you know. what makes them cool?how are you guys similar?

write down all of the best feelings in the world but make them really specific

instead of writing about your day, make a comic

plan a party. who’s coming? where is it? is there a theme?

draw your emotions as people

write down all of your favourite lyrics and analyse them. how are they similar? why do you like them? how do you relate to them?

write down a few things you’re never tried and don’t think you would like then go out and try doing one of them. write about how you felt. were you right about not liking it?

would you enjoy living on a boat?

what was the last risk you took? do you regret it?

which lessons are you learning at this stage of your life?

do you believe in magic, miracles and coincidences?

whats something that younger you wouldn’t believe about your current life?

how do you want people to feel around you?

think of a plot for a movie

list your favourite sensations (smells, sounds etc)

try to explain your favourite movie or show that someone who’s never seen it

write about your favourite spot in your city 

choose a random word concept and write a silly poem about it 

list small things that make you happy 

list different ways to say I love you 

make a maze

make a word puzzle

write about your day like chapter in a book or newspaper article 

list your favourite childhood memories

invent something new (music genre, word, gum flavor etc)

draw monster, give it a personality and name 

your starter pack

what would you do if you were rich?

list random facts you’ve learned recently 

write an essay/letter to God listing reasons why you should get what you want

where would you live if you were a fairy?

list fictional places you would visit 

list random life lessons you’ve learned 

rate every song in an album 

where would you live if you were a fairy

if you were cartoon character, what would your catchphrase be? 

if you were to write a book or a movie, what would it be about? 

list features that ‘arent beautiful’ according to the beauty standard but you find unique and gorgeous

your solutions to the trolley problem

whats your favourite form of art and why?

if you were a perfume, what would be the top, middle and base notes?

draw yourself then write down everything thats been on your mind lately just floating around you

if you were to participate in a talent show, then what with your talent to be?

if october was a man

write a poem about pomegranate

“im easy to please, all i need is…” and list random things you like

search up “what do you see? draw it” from pinterest and draw what you see

read a book and write down some new words you learned or just words you thought sounded nice

what do you think your energy/aura looks like?

write down all the songs that remind you of yourself

whats something that loves and kills?

would you like living in the universe of your favourite movie/show? why?

how does your favourite song make you feel?

write daily entries about an imaginary royal life you live

go on a walk, write down all the locations of the prettiest places, capture them (print or draw pictures and write about how they make you feel)

imagine you’re hosting a tea party for your past, present and future self. what stories or secrets what they share with each other?

if you could bottle up any feeling from a specific moment in your life to keep forever, what would it be?

try to remember a wish that you made a long time ago, how would you feel if it came true now?

what memory do you revisit the most and why do you think it holds such power over you?

what piece of advice would you give to a traveller who was about to embark on a journey inside of your mind? 

do you think dreams have meanings?

if your personality was a landscape, what would it look like? would it be a forest, desert, a bustling city or something entirely different like a magical kingdom?

imagine your life is a book and a new character enters in this chapter, who are they and what role do they play in your story?

if you could speak directly to the moon tonight, what would you say or ask and what do you hope she would reply?

if your life was a fairytale, what would be the reoccurring magical object and what does it symbolise for you?

write a new ending to a significant chapter of your life, changing one key decision or event. how does this ending shape the person you become? 

write about a dream you wish you had while sleeping but never did

you find a golden key in your pocket that opens a door to a parallel universe where one aspect of your life is completely different. what is it? how do you feel in this new version of your life?

if your life had a colour palette what would it look like? what does each colour represent? 

write a message, seal it in a bottle and toss it into the sea of possibility. what do you write? who do you hope finds it?

write a letter to your current self from the perspective of your inner child. what advice, reminders or dreams do they want you to remember?

trace your hand and in it draw things youre holding onto even though you know you shouldnt

“me core” page (add lyrics, characters and pictures that represent you, your vibe)

start labelling every day like a TV show episode

make a sticker pocket

write the whole page in a fun font

instead of writing, draw how you feel

make bingo cards

write something with every pencil and pen that are in your pencil case 

put your playlist on shuffle and write down every lyric you relate to until the page is full 

design a tattoo you would get

draw how you think different peoples fridges would look like (ocs, characters, celebrities, your friends)

write down as many (good) memories from your childhood as you can remember 

get three random words and write a story or silly poem, including all of them

write about someone or something that keeps occurring in your dreams. why do you think that is?

who are your favourite and least favourite characters? why? how do you see yourself in these characters?

if you had to get a tattoo right now, what would you get? what meaning does it have to you?

where is the most ideal place to read a book?

write a short story about how the stars were created

what have been the biggest changes you have noticed in yourself in the span of a year?

would you be okay with your life if it stayed exactly how it is now? if no, what would you want to change?

would you want to live in your favourite show/movie? why?

who brings out the best in you? what about the worst?

write about your life events this month like a chapter in a book

“this reminds me of me” page

make up a different personality for each letter of the alphabet and assign people that you know letters according to their personalities

list all of the songs you know by heart

are you a dreamer or a realist?

whats the first thing you notice about people?

define beauty

do you think your name fits you?

design a dress while in a high vibrational state and then design another (different) one while in a low vibrational state

how would you explain dancing and singing to an alien?

what are the first things you notice about a person?

define beauty

have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? who?

do you think your social media profile is an accurate representation of you?

do you think your appearance is an accurate representation of you?

what’s the exact opposite of you? which qualities do you like and which ones do you not?

what do you think people that have had a big impact on you would say about you?

format a page like a tumblr post

draw a song

if you were to switch places with someone and they had to pretend to be you, what would you tell them?

analyse people you have liked. what do they have in common? why did you like them? why do you not like them anymore?

write about a time you realised youre no longer a child

lets say you created one thing into this world before being born. what do you think it is? why?

deeply analyse and overexplain something random

meeting with your younger self trend - when did both of you arrive? what did both of you order? what did they tell you and what did you tell them?

if you lost all of your memories what would you want to be the first thing someone reminds you of?

what kind of character would you best perform as if you were an actor?

which topics would you write a really good essay on?

design the house you would live in if you were a mouse

make a word search

make an iceberg about a topic of your choice

when was the last time you did something for the first time?

make a bingo card

make a list of ways to say "I love you" without saying it

write a letter to your future lover

make up fun jobs youd like to work but they dont exist

do you think you're the muse or the artist? would you wish to be the opposite?

find an old photo of you as a child and try to remember as much as you can about the moment it was taken (credits to dottygoth for this one)

find a random painting you like and write about it, whats the meaning? how do you see yourself in it? why did you choose that one?

make a list of very specific things you like about yourself

do you believe in love at first sight? why?

list things you wouldn’t be you without

write down every person you dislike and why, then try to find something you like about each one

what makes someone interesting?

make a whole list of positive "what if."s

whats the most impressive thing you think you could do with your eyes closed? try it and see if you really can

whats the coolest place youve ever been to? why? would you visit again?

make a mind map - draw the enterance to your mind and all of the places (ex: the kingdom of ideas

if you were to be taxidermied, which position would you want to be in? draw it

compare your dream job to your younger selfs dream job. what changed?

make a levels of intimacy triangle

choose 3 different jobs that you would like working and write a short description of your day if you did work there

what are the main differences between you right now and you one year ago?

rate/rank all of your past friends

start collecting hair from people close to you in a page

write about why your favourite song/movie is your favourite

if someone were to go through your youtube search history, what would they think you like? is it accurate to what you actually like?

list some "embarrasing" phases youve gone through

how do you show love to a partner? what about a friend? how about family? how are they different? how are they similar? give examples for each one

if you could ask one question and be guaranteed the absolute truth, what would you ask? what does that say about you?

what makes you fall in love with someone? why?

which apologies are you still waiting for? who might be waiting for an apology from you?

plan an ideal wedding/ birthday party (whos coming, where is it, what are you wearing, whats the theme, what kind of food, which presents are you getting, what time does it start, etc)

rank weekdays, months and seasons

what are your favourite and least favourite times of day? why?

draw your favourite song

list things you have lost or forgotten

list your favourite words

if you were to be famous, what would you be famous for?

what's the first thing you notice about someone and what's the first thing you hope someone notices about you?

write about your favourite childhood memory

if you could find out the truth about any mystery, which one would it be why? what do you think the truth is?

why is your favourite (color, song, movie, person) your favourite? what makes it so special to you

what did your dream life look like as a child versus what does your dream life look like now? have you achieved some of your old goals?

how would your pet describe you?

make a list of things you love about yourself

make a list of things you love about life

think of stuff that is currently having a negative impact on you and what you could do to change them

list people that always make you laugh

describe your first love and yourself during your first love

draw a movie character from a movie youre about to watch then write down your favourite quotes they say

draw the solar system but make it your own (make up new planets)

write secret messages in mini envelopes you glued in the page

bingo card for the day/ week/month/year

list things you want to get better at

draw whats in your bag

make up stain log

teabags + ratings

draw your dream wardrobe



[profounddefendorcrusade-blog]

Starlo apologist speaks again

this picture right here.. i hate it sm.

TIME TO DEBUNK EVERYTHIN', YEEHAW!

#1 Starlo's name is uncool on purpose might literally mean 'Starloser' It fits his character arc. In other words, he's not the cool, badass sheriff he pretends to be (he's not 'North Star'), but a kind, friendly farmer inside

#2 He definitely DOES care about Clover. Why else would he keep saying he's proud of them, praise them, believe in them, get worried about their safety, send them a warning letter, immediately run to check what's going on with them, get angry at Clover for not staying HOME (yeah he really did consider the Wild East their home) tell Martlet to bring Clover to safety, and jump at Ceroba to try and protect them? don't question the love of star daddy

#3 Undyne actually IS a badass. Starlo isn't. He's a softie who cares about pretending to be cool bc he's insecure, even when in a situation where he could die. He wants to be a hero. He wants to be SOMEBODY, not a NOBODY. Maybe he also cared about his own status more than his town, friends and family (which could be the reason he brought a bb gun). Or he just wanted to buy time so the others could hide. Now that I think about it, it's the latter. Why else would Dina say this in genocide after you kill Ceroba: "He was more of a hero than you'll ever be." That's the whole point of his geno fight that, and a lil bit of angst when roba finds him dying IT'S CALLED CHARACTERIZATION

#4 He kidnaps Clover bc they're a human. The only human who's ever set foot on the sands of the Wild East. He's obsessed with human culture. His whole life ARE westerns. Why? Whether it's the sense of justice cowboys represent, the exciting lives they live, or both, Starlo feels like he matters thanks to this nerdy interest, like he can contribute to his community

#5 i see Martlet as a big sis not a mom bc of how young she is, despite that one joke in bits & bites, but to each their own Star jails Martlet bc of the potential of the Wild East getting shut down. She did threaten to report them to Asgore and well... according to him, better safe than sorry. He even admitted he doesn't feel right doing it

#6 It WAS wrong of him to blame and attack Clover like that, all for his own status and ego (and to get his friends back) It's called a flawed character making a fucking mistake. Or did you expect someone perfect, with no room to grow and develop throughout the piece of media? Also, Clover is not an infant, they're a child. If it was meant to be a joke, it ain't funny bucko

#7 he either actually forgot about the fact he himself kidnapped Clover bc he wasn't in the right mindset (understandable), or purposefully ignored the information to avoid responsibility for his actions & shift the blame onto Clover (he IS flawed and thats more than ok)

#8 in neutral, he doesn't apologize bc Ceroba doesn't come and snap him out of his fantasy & mindset

#9 he did his best with the apology. you can't blame starlo. He's not very good with expressing himself and emotions in general (that he has been avoiding for so long via escapism; he also uses escapism to help Ceroba instead of talking openly with her)

#10 he doesn't know how the ceroba & clover interaction played out bc he was unconscious. Maybe he thought Clover had managed to talk her outta fighting. He says in true pacifist "Yall had a fight?? and the deputy won??" In other words he didnt know they had even fought. To add fuel to the fire, his bff just died and star, being the forgiving sweetheart he is, had wanted to give her a chance at redemption, but never got the chance to. He never got the chance to say goodbye, either.

#11 just bc starlo's an adult doesn't mean he can't have these flaws/behaviors. Every individual is unique. Starlo is deff deeply insecure and most likely autistic, too. Please think about that in the future, thank you

my current feelings can best be described by good old Axis

[jenny-dreadful]

if i can ask a personal question how do you know if you’re bi-aspec (or aspec in general)? i keep spiraling about what if im just a lesbian and thats why i havent had sex or maybe im too introverted. im in my late 20’s so i feel like if i honestly wanted to i would have by now but i almost feel like i HAVE to just be repressed instead and stuff like the lesbian masterdoc has made it way worse :/ i always hear people say like oh go with your gut but thats not good advice for a nervous person and idek if i know what attraction feels like period, is it nervousness? intrusive thoughts? aesthetics? ugh!

lots of pieces to this question! i’m gonna do my best to handle u. pardon the text wall

FIRST: How do I (“how does one”?) know I’m aspec? I can only speak for my own experience, but for me the important pieces were 1) Finding out “some people just don’t experience sexual attraction” was even an option and 2) Realizing/being told that when other people make reference to, like, wanting to fuck a hot stranger, they do actually mean it and it’s not just a crass, jokey exaggeration.

People are cute as hell! I really enjoy checking cute people out! But I’ve never once scoped a hottie and thought/felt “OOOH I’d like my business to get up in their business, physically-speaking,” you know? It’s crazy to me that anyone would. It’s crazy to me to know that most people have not only actually had, like, actual irl physiological responses just to the presence of an appealing person, but that that’s, like, a pretty normal part of life for most people. Like, HUH? Y’all cannot be actually getting blushy n wet n shit…y’all cannot have ACTUALLY needed to hide boners through your whole teens*…please say sike…

It’s not that I’m seeing hot people and going through, like, a thought process of deciding it’d be unsafe or immoral to fuck em and therefore ultimately I don’t want to, or that they’re out of my league, or that I’ve decided I’m uninterested in casual sex in a social sense (although things like that may also apply)—it’s really just. N/A. These concepts just aren’t linked for me.**

So my thought is: To answer “Why haven’t I had sex? Am I ace or am I just introverted?” try assessing: Are you actually, actively attracted to people, but not pursuing that attraction due to shyness? Or maybe: Do you assume on some level that palpable attraction/arousal is something that kicks in Later, If You’re Getting Into It With Somebody, and you’ve just personally failed to get far enough to unlock those feelings? Because that one’s not it, actually—people who aren’t ace Feel Attraction whether they’ve done anything about it or not

As far as the other points of confusion you’ve mentioned, I really can’t nail them down for you, but what I CAN say is that I personally find the questions of “Am I just repressed?” and “Maybe I’m a lesbian and scared to accept it?” to be supremely unhelpful. In this context, they both hinge completely on the idea of ‘Someone suggested I might be lying to myself because I’m not ready to accept [x], and it’s impossible to definitively refute bc the phenomenon described is one where, literally by definition, I would not know I was doing that.’ Genuinely, I think you gotta consciously set those questions aside—you can return to them whenever, if you want, when you have a better handle on your central question.

*Not ENTIRELY literal and black-and-white like this for all aces. Personally I’ve also always been v low-libido, so the “Is this attraction or am I just free-floating nonspecifically horny?” was pretty fuckin easy for me to answer. It might take a little more work for you though, I don’t know your life story

**(This is where we get a little more personal, so be cool, but: When I’m using more specific labels [“bi aspec” usually covers me just fine], I’m demisexual, which for me is like. It’s not that I’m “sexually attracted” to anybody so much as it is that beyond a certain point/type of personal closeness, romanticism etc., sex starts to seem appealingly cozy, I guess? When that applies, I’m still not getting Super Hype about it in the way allos do. I’m not feeling particularly Urged to do anything. I’m still not proactively physically responsive. Just kind of opens it up as an option wrt things that sound kinda nice). I mention this only because, I dunno, if you’re questioning, it’s important to acknowledge that asexuality has a lot of different shapes to it—for very few people is it a total absolute in every dimension.

So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don’t know if anything in there is helpful to you, but I hope so, and good luck ✨

[alvie-pines]

It's so frustrating because I hate Aaron for being a complete wreaking ball to the story. (And because he was a mysterious forest man with questionable morals back when Vylad was stuck in the nether so I was worried he was replacing him but that's more personal) But the more I think about it, the more Aaron as a character is,,,, I don't know. I'm still reluctant to call him good, but he makes me angry at Jess, not angry at him, and I'm realizing that now.

I mean, it's kind of trope-y but having that sort of an anti-hero with an arc centered around grief and recovery and revenge, and him sometimes having conflicting morals with some of the rest of the group could be really cool! (and also different from Vylad, with Vylad basically putting his moral compass into Garroth's hands, which is its own issue as he can actually have a more nuanced, complex, and compassiate view but I digress) And a really cool way to show that Aphmau as a character is not inherently perfect and sometimes there's not a solution that pleases everyone.

But no. Of course not. Once he trusts Aphmau they really never have any real fights I can recall, and his wife, son, and everyone he cared about are mentioned only in passing instead of being a longer arc. And of course there's the whole romance between them which ends up just scrapping all of the previous narrative build-up with Garroth/Laurance. Once again, not a bad thing for the character, necessary, (although arguably she could've handled it better, she isn't obligated to like or date anyone of course) but narratively, it just felt like so much of the momentum was dropped the second he came into frame.

Like how do I say that I think Aaron as a man is interesting and I think that his traits and backstory could make for a really good character, but I also lothe him as a symbol of Jess's incompetent writing?

gods vylad youre so right about all of this

1 - "wrecking ball to the story" is the PERFECT way to describe him. he didnt fit, and when he was forced in he destroyed a good chunk of the story to make room

2 - thats what's so frustrating about him! though he's a bit basic, he certainly could have had something. with a bit of good writing he could have been wrestled into a character that was at least up to par with the rest of the cast. but no; he wasn't there to be a good character. he was there to be jason's self-insert and to spite larmau and garmau fans.

3 - side note--i want to hear your thoughts about vylad putting his moral compass into garroth's hands, that sounds very interesting

4 - yeah! unless jess decided to write her endgame relationship as a polyamorous one (and lets be real, nobody ever does :/), somebody's feelings were gonna get hurt. and narratively, thats ok. that makes for a good story + thats exactly how it works in real life. to have aphmau choose one or neither or both, any of those would have made for a good story, but having aaron come in and wreck everything that was being set up? no. he prevented there from being any good payoff with larmau & garmau and instead we just got them sulking in the background.

5 - i hate the fact that hes still in love with his wife but its only mentioned to make him seem more tragic, and then he turns around and knocks up aph in the woods. thats no healthy relationship, luv. and that would be ok, except that its constantly portrayed as the pinnacle of healthy, and theres no exploring anything about the repercussions of aaron seeing aphmau as a replacement for her, or anything like that. it just. isnt satisfying writing in the slightest. (i dont watch mystreet, but i hear this is an issue with ms!aaron too.) (actually i heard somewhere that aarmau was based on jess and jason's actual marriage and that makes me slightly concerned. on several fronts)

6 - laur and garroth were dropped entirely after aaron came into the picture, not just romantically. this is probably what makes me the most angry, because garroth is my favorite and laurance is definitely up there. and garroth could have had such a wonderful arc in o'khasis in season three, but jess just had to relegate him to babysitting duty all season.

[sainadazai]

When your crush is angry all the time

Ch. 1

Something fun at an all girls school

Chapter 1

Something fun in an

✨all girls school✨

•○●○•°•○●○•°•○●○•°•○●○•°•○●○•°

"Alright, despite how much the staff have opposed the right for students to watch t.v. during school time....our principle believes that this is actually going to be informative. Now girls, students with all sorts of quirk and backgrounds can be accepted to U.A. I expect you all to respect the people on this t.v as your future colleagues. NO JOKES."

"Pst..wish she would just shut up so we can see the hot guys..." Maiyumi whispered to no one particular

"I know, I haven't seen a man since I got kidnapped last year."

"Most of us havent seen anyone since being kidnapped, or you know, FUCKING ARESTED!" Y/n whisper-yelled. She was still very pissed that even though, she was obviously kidnapped-and meant to be killed- the fucking police blamed her. Dad chalked it up to them being jealous, but y/n really wasn't having it. Imagine it's the third time you were kidnapped and tortured before the age of 16, and it was supposedly your fault. 

Technically, they could've arrested her for burning down the building two weeks later, obviously while empty, she admitted that was wrong. Still, they got what they deserved, and she got frozen yogurt from down the street. As she would say: now that's proper treatment after a kidnapping 😎

"L/n thats enough, we all know the story by now, and we do not need to hear it again"

"But you shoulda been there, the audacity of them to say I was working with those guys!?! Those villains were way below MY level. I mean c'mon, if I was a villain i'd be way cooler than those nobodies."

"Oh.my.god. y/n I love you, but shit up so we can watch hot U.A. boys fight each other!"

"Ms. Hitoka!Unacceptable, we are here to learn from our follow young heros, not sexualize them"

"I heard midnight is gonna be there," Katna whispered towards the group, front the back of the room. Mind you, she was in a position to pounce, considering, much like her classmates, she hadn't seen a boy in years. 

"MIDNIGHT IS SOOO HOT" y/n yelled, forgetting that their teacher was in the front cursing herself for not accepting that sugar-baby job, and never meeting these obnoxious and horny teens. 

"For FUCKS SAKE, JUST WATCH THE TV"

As the teacher yelled all heads turned to face her and ignore their previous conversations. Y/n and Maiyumi had grown soft smiles, finally welcoming back the teacher they know and love. 

You see, LADY STATIC was an ex-pro hero, her quirk was projection. She could pick up any video signals from any device and project exactly what the device was seeing, or playing. She called all cameras her bitch....several times. So, as far as teaching went, she could only last a couple of minutes of seriousness in the beginning of class each day, before she erupted in a fit of lewd comments, brags, and most importantly curse words.

The black screen of the tv suddenly turned on revealing the large stadium that must be where the festival would take place. Y/n didnt really want to watch, it made her kind of sad knowing there were kids out there with the energy to try at something so dumb. A competition where you stay within grade, with supervision, and limits, and rules, and no real risk. It all sounded boring to her. She would either want to sit in bed eating and watching anime, or actually feel something. 

The idea of a battle where you aren't risking your life seemed pretty dull to her. See...y/n along with her best friend maiyumi, was an adrenaline junkie. Those two were the biggest non-villain troublemakers the world has yet to see. 

Finding it fun to jump off bridges, run across intersections, and fight each other with no rules or precautions. After living a life where most people you meet want you dead, and most of your life has just been trauma, everything gets more and more boring. Until you don't even mind risking your life just to feel something. 

However, what y/n did feel, very frequently, was horny. She wouldn't lie and say that she has indulged in some things, despite there being only girls in her private hero academy. However, she craved men, simply because they were something she hadn't had yet. So in the nature of being royalty, if she hadn't had it, she wanted it.

"..booo"

"How could say that, you meant to be representing our school"

"Not my fault the rest of you are just stepping stones to my victory."

Y/n finally focused back on the screen, she was seeing a very up close image of a blonde boy with red eyes, this being the first man she saw since the police 5 months ago. Her eyes lit up, and sub-consciously her body started to glow different colors. Shifting as quickly as the Led lights in her dorm. 

"Mind your quirk princess" Saina, the class grump-who lowkey crushes on y/n- sneers. 

"Aww, sorry, thanks for reminding me daddy" Y/n responded, feigning innocence but still not breaking eye contact with the screen. 

She mentally focused on subsiding her quirk, but it took awhile for her to completely stop glowing. 

Once she was y/n watched the first parts of the festival, noting exactly what that blonde boy was doing. Not without checking out some of the other students. Obviously, but something about those red eyes had her enticed. So she made sure to focus on him. 

As she watched she learned that his quirk was fire, and he used it very differently than she did. She scribbled down a random note about it to make it seem like she was studying and trying to improve herself. Then, focused back on every intricate curve of his face instead. How he scowled, he really looked angry, but being one of those U.A. kids, she couldn't help but doubt he really had anything to be angry about. 

Soon the girl found herself imagining him in some sort of serious situation, what could make somebody so angry? 

And before she knew it, his fighting figure disappeared from the tv as an image of midnight replayed him, announcing that he had one his fight. The last fight wasn't it? Meaning that the rage boy must've won the whole thing. y/n really wasn't impressed, obviously he was only fighting other U.A. students. How hard could that be? However, she was excited that he won for some reason.

While y/n watched him she couldn't help but wish she was the one fight. Oh to be punched by that man.  Every kick he would throw sent goosebumps down her body. Plus when he used that quirk, shit was it hot. Pun intended. Fire seemed like such a simple quirk, but simple works best. That  last fight against Todoroki, that excited her. 

See, y/n liked adventures away from the school ground, and since she could fly..well. She knew Todoroki.  He was always considerate enough not to be weirded out by her when she would sneak into his house, her parents knew his dad well, so she pretty much only knew that one place.  He was logical and so he understood that she isn't really perverted, she simply hasn't seen boys in a very long time.  Todoroki figured if he hadn't seen a female in three years he might become more fond of them as well. 

"Now lets award the metals" 

She looked up at the screen to see a podium holding the winners and runner ups. Atop it was the boy, he was announced as Katsuki Bakugou. He was chained to the post and attacking the air, and y/n found this insanely hot. She assumed that since Todoroki hadn't given his all, that boom boom might be upsetting. However, she never expected to see this beautiful sight on the tv screen of her classroom. The sight was stuck in her mind for days. 

She thought about it during dance class. 

She thought about it during quirk training. 

She thought about it during lunch.

During "sleepovers"

During missions with her boss - gang orca

During meeting with the principle

Even during visit time with her parents. It was then she decided she had to do something about it. Now, even though most girls at her school looked down upon U.A. the parents and staff didn't. For the girls it was about how truly jealous they were that those students, even with lesser power, would get to become heros. While us here, would become noblewomen, or princesses or be married off into other famous quirk families.

Y/n only was jealous because her mother spent more time with U.A. students than with her and her brothers. Seeing her mother was midnight, yes, the pro-hero. While that sounds cool, it isn't. Her mother and father dated for 1 month before getting married on a whim. Her father being a prince was something mom always described as FUCKINZg SEGGSYYY. Yes, you could blame midnight for y/ns horny behaviors. 

Unfortunately for midnight, royal quirks don't mix with other quirks. None of her children have her quirk. Her daughter has Elementus total control, her middle son has Elementus manipulate, and youngest son has Elementus transform. So she is left with a 7 year old that can turn himself into water if he doesn't want to get in trouble....yeah. So that at home life was strange...

"Mom, dad, I wanna be hero"

"Bullshit, no you don't bahaha"

"I do, mom"

"Why"

"Dad, I wanna help people you know, like mom does. I wanna make the world better instead of just becoming a queen and sitting in a house all day." Y/n lied, she would love to sit around doing nothing while her rich, king husband did all the work. Then she could just eat and watch anime and be unbothered. However, in the moment, y/n forgot about her dream future. All she wanted in that moment was to see boom boom everyday. yuh, I said it..boom boom.

"Babe, she has a fair point...plus its not like chiyo can do anything with his quirk"

"What do you mean?! CHiyo's quirk is so cool dad, one time he took all the oxygen out of my bod and then I couldn't do anything, it was so cool!"

"see...."

"Yea,yea i see"

"My love, can't you just recommend her to U.A. so you can keep an eye on her. We both knew she was destined to be a hero at some point."

"Uhm. Babe. She only wants to go so she can see boys."

"What?!My princess would never, you heard it, she wants to help people. Our sons would never say such things, we should proud, love"

"Honey, she is lying."

"No, I'm not a mom, I could care less about boys. All the girls at this school can do the same things, if not better. "

"Y/N! I love you so much my precious horny little fuck"Her mother sprang up from her seat and embarrassed her. 

"I can't believe this is my life.." dad sighed. 

"But yeah, that proves your point honey, if she is gay then she must mean it. Yayyy. N/N is coming to school with meeee!!"

"I- yeah mom."

[vampish-glamour]

My own personal experience with gender.

*I’m tagging this as anti-mogai because my own experience has a lot to do with why I’m so against the community and all the labels they pump out. I’m bringing it up in the post.*

I started questioning my gender around the time I figured out I’m gay. As time went on I realized that I love the way men (specifically the dapper type) in movies and tv appear. I still do. Not just physically, although that is a big part of it... but the way they dress, the way they carry themselves, their voices, the women that fall in love with them. I’m attracted to them, but not in a romantic sense—I’m not attracted to guys. It’s more of a “I want to be that” sort of attraction. A fascination, and a weird feeling that makes me want to be in that guy’s shoes (literally and figuratively. They’re often really nice shoes and I want a pair).

I watch musicals, and plays, realizing that most of the time if I could play any part I want, it would be one of the men. If I were to be dropped into a fairytale and asked what part I wanted to play, I’d want to play the prince. (Or the super cool villain, obviously, because they get the best clothing—)

It’s important to note at this point, that I have no physical discomforts with my body, with my gender. I love my feminine features like curves, and bust. What I’m uncomfortable with, is how I’m expected to be. I’m expected to wear makeup or else I’m “lazy” or “unhygienic”, I’m expected to wear dresses when performing because “that’s the attire, no you cannot wear a suit”, I’m expected to wear heels, and curl my hair, and all that jazz. I’m expected to look feminine, and it’s often frowned upon to appear in a more masculine way.

I don’t like that. I want to be able to have a mixed sense of femininity and masculinity.

Here’s where MOGAI stuff comes in.

There’s the idea floating out there that what I’m describing, is being trans. The fact is, it’s not. It’s feeling as if you want to experiement with your appearance and how you come across to others. It’s experimenting with masculinity and femininity, which is entirely different than gender.

If I were to go on testosterone, and start living as a man, I know I’d be uncomfortable. I’d end up giving myself gender dysphoria. I love my female body, I love being seen as female. I just don’t want to be seen as overly feminine. I want to play around with femininity and masculinity.

THATS WHERE YOU DO THE PLAYING, MOGAI COMMUNITY. Stop “playing with gender”. Gender is not a toy. Masculinity and femininity however, can be played around with, used alone or together. The genders you identify with are not genders, they’re ways of expressing yourself.

Looking at all these MOGAI labels now, I know that I would have been sucked into it when I was still figuring everything out. It’s an easy fix to confusion. Instead of having to come to terms with who you are exactly, you can find a fun gender label that sums it all up—and be cool and unique at the same time. That would have sounded pretty sweet to a younger me.

It breaks my heart to know that there are people who feel the same as I did and do, but they’re being exposed to the intricacies of gender far too early. This leads to early transition, which leads to gender dysphoria, which leads to de-transitioning and having irreversible changes to the body. There is a spike in young people who are de-transitioning now, because they thought they were trans (because of the idea that being trans=being gender-non-conforming), and now realize they’ve made a big mistake.

And this isn’t just a “oh, now I have to tell everyone I’m not trans, darn” mistake. It’s a “now I’ve grown lumps on my chest. Now my skin feels different. Now I have more body hair. Now my voice is different. Now my clitoris is enlarged. Now my—(I can go on)” mistake.

the MOGAI community makes gender identity seem like a fun game that anyone can join in on. They coin new terms every day, and add them to their collections. They portray themselves as a fun, cool, and unique community, which easily draws in young people who are then told that they are trans because they want to wear a certain thing, or feel a certain way.

This is such a hot issue with me that I can’t even explain my thoughts properly, and I’m worried that I’m not being coherent. All I’m trying to say, is that I am so fucking glad I didn’t run into the MOGAI community when I was figuring myself out, because it would have messed me up so damn bad. I would have been told I was some crazy abstract gender, because I want to express myself a certain way. And it hurts me to know that people similar to me do get messed up by the community.

So if somebody asks me why I’m so “closed minded” when it comes to MOGAI identities, it’s because I know damn well that people can easily get damaged by this idea that gender is something to be played around with. I know that I could have easily been one of these people, I could have easily went on hormones, and messed up my body.

(Of course, I’m 100% supportive of trans people who medically transition, as it’s a way to help deal with gender dysphoria. But I’m tired of the notion that it’s a good idea to transition even if there’s no dysphoria present.)

To the MOGAI community; stop preaching your “These labels that describe my personality make me trans!!” Bullshit. You’re hurting young people, especially young gay people who I find are typically more likely to want to experiment with gender expression. If you claim to care out lgbt people, start acting like it, and stop providing a space for young lgbt people to get hurt. (As well as the straight/cis people, since they can be hurt too, but I have a feeling y’all don’t care about them. That’s one of the reasons you’re so desperate to grasp for any label that’s not straight/cis, right? Because you can’t stand the thought of being straight and cis?)

[jackr4bb1t]

a quiz thingy

?This is seriously going to get personal, you ready? yes

?If you were caught cheating, would you fess up? i wouldn't be cheating. :") but when i was a young dumb kid who did, i immediately confessed ksjdhfkjsdhf

?The last time you felt honestly broken? um idk yesterday or the day before i dont remember when that was because time is all blurring together now

?Are you craving something? yessss

?If you could have one thing right now what would it be? kat

?Would you rather have ten kids, or none? NONE!!!!!!!!!

?What do you hear right now? bf typing and bitching loudly

?Is your bed against more than one of your walls? yes (two)

?What’s on your mind right now? "What's on your mind right now?"

?Are you there for your friends? no :")

?Last person to see you cry? sjdkhfkjsdhfjshdfkjshdfkjh kat :")

?What do you do when you get nervous? uhhhh idk skdjhfkjsdhf I just kinda get really quiet and clammed up B') i dunno how to describe it. and it really depends on the context.

?Be honest, do you like people in general? i think my answer actually might be yes??

?How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? it is absolutely never going to happen under any circumstance

?Does anyone completely understand you? i think my answer actually might be yes??

?Do you have a reason to smile right now? i'm literally smiling right now because kat is saying some dumb shit thats cracking me up as im trying to type this skjdfhksjdfh

?Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? yeahksjdhsudjfh

?Do you tell your mum or dad everything? ABSOLUTELY NOT LMAO

?Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? like cigarettes?? yeah idk i find the smell pretty gross so it's definitely something i'd prefer not to have to smell all the time kjsdhfkjdhsf

?Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone uhhhh I SURE HOPE NOT

?This time last year, can you remember who you liked? ksdjfhskjdfh pretty much no one. i was actually mostly single for a couple of years there. for the first time in my life i went completely without any serious romantic interest and focused on myself instead. it was an interesting experience.

?Do you think more about the past, present, or future? definitely future skjdhfjkshdf i hardly ever think about the past or even the present

?How many hours of sleep do you get a night? thankfully most nights i get a solid 7-8. sometimes i'll only get like 5. but other nights i'll get like 10. the majority of the time though, it's in the 7-8 range.

?Are you easy to get along with? yes

?Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? no

?What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? water

?What size bed do you have? queen

?Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? before wtf

?Do you like the rain? yes as long as i'm not in it kjsdhfjdf. (but i'm fine being in it if it's light.)

?Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? in this exact moment genuinely no skjdhfjhd (unless by some brief passing coincidence)

?Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do lots ksjdhfj

?Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? probably neither? i think/hope?

?Who were you last in the car with, besides family? uhhHHHhhhhhHH JIM

?What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? CATS WITH KAT OR MAYBE IT WAS SONIC???? i cant remember which order we saw those in skdjfhkjsdfh

?Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? i'm actually pretty sure the answer to this is no so like sjdfksjdhfj wow yay i did it

?Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? yep

?Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? jsdkhfkjsd no, i never did any such thing. although i would have people over that i wasn't supposed to.

?Do you regret a past relationship? all of them

?Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? why are those my only options -sobs- IT DEPENDS ON MY MOOD SKJDHFJKSDHF I GUESS I'LL PICK THE CONCERT CUZ IT SEEMS LESS SOCIAL B'D AND I AM SURE THERE ARE QUITE A FEW BANDS/SINGERS THAT WOULD BE REALLY COOL TO SEE LIVE.

?Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? i definitely used to ksjdhfkjdshf and i was barking up the wrong tree the entire time

?Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? I really hope not skjdfhsjdkfh I've never been the "roasting" type idk sdjfh I've never really like... poked fun at people idk that type of humour has never really been funny to me? idk how to word what i'm trying to say ksjdfhjsdfh basically I just don't really ever make jokes about people because I don't find that type of humour to be entertaining.

?Do you care too much about your appearance? i care about it a LOT less than i used to but i still hate myself kjsdfhgkjfdg so i suppose that is an indication that i care too much

?Are you a jealous person? romantically? yes. literally any other context? no

?Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? no

?Do you miss anyone? yes :(

?Last person who made you cry? uhhhhhh

?Does your ex piss you off? no skjdfhsjkd

?What are you doing tomorrow? just some stupid bullshit chores/errands/etc. woo hoooo.

?Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? lmao no (although i was sorta like that in high school sdlkfjhksdjfh)

?Is there anyone you want to come see you? yes

?Have you ever been cheated on? yes

?Ever given your all to someone who walked away? not really

?Do you like cotton candy? yes as a treat

?Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? kat

?Do you have siblings? yes

?Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? yes

?How has the past week been for you? hell

?Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? i dont really have friends of any sex except for my partner and we are the same sex sex sex sex sex GAY GAY GAY

?What’s on your mind right now? SEX SEX SEX GAY GAY GAY SEX GAY SEX GAY SEX

?What were you doing at midnight last night? IDK PROBABLY CRYYIINGGG oh wait i was at work skdjfhskjfh waiting for jim to be ready to leave he always stays til exactly midnight unlike most people who will leave around 1158 sdkjfhskdjfh HE HAS TO FOLLOW THE RULLLESSS but i don't mind cuz he's giving me a ride which is cool so i don't mind to wait the extra minutes til midnight B) i mean, i am getting paid to be there sooo.

?What is your current mood? NEEDY

?Who was the first person you talked to today? KAT

?Will this week be a good one? YEAH WE'RE GETTING OUR SHIT TOGETHER

?Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? I'm sure there are things that have happened B')

?Who were you with last night kathel who was horrifying me as i was half asleep. talking at length about how hes gonna get a garfield tramp stamp. -sobs.- i fell asleep to that.

?Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? LMAO BITCH WHAT DID I JUST SAY. YOU STUPID???

?Next time you will kiss someone hopefully not too much longerrrr B(

?Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? wowza

?Do you have any plans for the weekend? it's monday you fucking whore, i hardly have a plan for what i'm doing in this current present moment let alone several days from now

oh the quiz is over now

[ellerevelle]

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 

I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam. 

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 

No, I have become recently lazy. 

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

 #depression! 

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 

I need a job. 

[batsysims]

didnt wanna do an actual Simself Edit™ so have an arrested development reference

anyways

i was tagged by @0cherub & i tag any1 who hasnt done this yet bc who doesnt like answering 125 questions abt themselves oh also @flavortowne im forcing you to do this sry

get to know me tag

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? its batsy dont worry abt it

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? its batsy dont worry abt it

3. BIRTHDAY? september 15

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES?  what?? are books

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? ye both

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? ummmm idk lmfao i havent “read” a “book”” in like 5 years 

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? 35 & 36 on sirius are like basically the exact same station but that doesnt mean i dont constantly alternate between the two whenever im near a radio

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? pink is a v trustworthy flavor

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? *owen wilson voice* wrow

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? what kinda question is this wt f ive currently reobsessed myself w marina and the diamonds so honestly any of her discography

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? idk any words :^/ sry

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO? wheels on the bus im exhausted

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? man in the high castle. man in the high castle. man in the high ca

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? clerks al;dksfjf

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? almost exclusively sims and fallout but every once in a while some indie game i find on steam so. yea

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? never doing anything in my life and having nothing 2 look forward to!! yay

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? probably my resiliency, maybe?? idk

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? my habit of allowing bad things to happen to me lol

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? cats but im sorta kinda indifferent 2 both i think i might 1 of the 5 ppl on earth who dont like having pets

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? summer and fall

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? yea

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? not being lazy lmfao

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? @flavortowne eye emoji

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? blue

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? its natural brown but im thinkn abt going either red or blonde again

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? like 3 ppl irl and everyone on discord u guys legit

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? my person and @flavortowne eye emoji

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? tom hardy. what is his end goal

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? tbh going 2 basic lmfao im!! lame

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? as of right now,, spiderverse lol

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? teletubbies was fckn legit and so was old school spongebob

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? my person

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? im not superstitious,,, but i am a little stitious

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? i cant deal w fishing poles idk

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? in front babey

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? sims or stitching play foods 4 the kid to use on her play kitchen

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? stop asking book questions

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? spiderverse yeye

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? piano & i try 2 pretend i know what im doing w a ukulele

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? stingrays :^)

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? legit all my mutuals

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? i had an oc that could read ppls memories like a scrapbook if he touched them and i always honestly thought that was. cool

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? in my house!! the door b locked bitch!!!!

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? toddler being an idiot toddler

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY?  its not really,, a sport,, but i bike

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? cream soda in those glass bottles is top tier non-alcoholic beverage

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? i wrote a letter 2 my person telling him he was an idiot and by the time it was mailed 2 his house i was already living there lol

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? nah

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? either ppl blowing vape in my face or holding something so close to my face i cant see i just go ballistic

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? nope unless u count a sesame street liveshow like 10 years ago

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? nope!

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a cop lmfao

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? this is horrible but the setting of new vegas i just feel like id be at home there, w the radiation and constant danger and dehydration

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? the kid

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? only when im looking in the mirror adlkfj start thinkn abt a different face showing up instead of mine idk

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? yea

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? skipped a whole year adlfkj

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? this is basic but i miss the tri-state area

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? this is basic but i miss nj

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? yea :^/ a dog, a cat, and uhhhh 14 fish

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? night owl but honestly im just always tired

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? sunsettttt

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? i do

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? headphones. they just work

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? nah but i need em

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? i listen to everything tbh

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? michael cera

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? i used to read them religiously but not so much any more. i am reading the TAZ graphic novel tho

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? having to repeat myself 20 times. or being an idiot when i wanna start a new hobby

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? idk how to read

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? honestly i had a blast in econ and my law enforcement class

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? a bro, another sibling, and a half-bro

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? food lmfao

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? every time i measure myself im 5′2��� but the government insists that i am 5′3″ so w/e

75. CAN YOU COOK? yeap

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? alcohol, bike riding, wearing stupid makeup

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? ppl holding me back, bird box, when my nail breaks before i can file it so its all oglee

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? uh idk?? i dont have,, many,,,, friends

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? bi

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? sc :’^(

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? my brother

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 2 nights ago the kid pistol whipped me in the chin w her phone and it just hurt so bad it legit made me lose it

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? ok this is dumb as shit the kid is obsessed w Blippi and i have a mom crush on him afdslfkjs

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? ye

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? i am currently obsessed w L.O.L. Surprise! Pop but all in all probs Pocket Camp

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? bad as parents but theyre fine now that im an adult and they have a grandkid they can like

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? i dont like a majority of them lmfao but idk maybe uh?? irish

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? rly wanna go to nevada but im moving to the mojave soon anyways so

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 15

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? nope

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? i was raised christian but i dont rly give a shit abt any of that

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OR THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? outer space my dood the ocean is dumb and scary

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? im jus livin my life

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? i mean. im lactose intolerant but thats abt it

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? nope

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? no

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? when im wrong abt something

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? forest ig bad choices

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? i dont think i was ever given advice, ever. maybe thats why im like this

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? idk i try not 2 lie unless its like. an obvious exaggeration for the lols

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? wtf idk ok i just did one of those quizzes & im a slytherin?? what does that mean

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? yeah

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? more of an introvert but im ok w going out there if i gotta

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? i keep one for the kid but thats abt it

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? nah. unless it was something stupid like burning food like im not gonna ban u from the kitchen

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? if theres an id i guess mail it 2 the address on there?? idk ive never just. found a wallet. i think this happens a lot less than all the hypotheticals make it out to be

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? if theyre dedicated to it. i dont think ppl can just do it over night and i dont think its ever a 100% change

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? dont touch me

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? Yep

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? 2 in both ears but thats it

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? spidr...mna

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? no :^( once im cleared for them tho deffo

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? i hate that this is the answer but enlisting adlfkjs

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? yeah ig??

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? glasses

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? 2 late

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? we all b stupit

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? idk?? i get embarrassed but also get over it quick so like. idk

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? yea

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? black & red

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? mhm

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? i was on nickelodeon back when they had those cuts to the Live Studio Audience™

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 21

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? savory i almost never eat anything sweet

[easyfoodnetwork]

Eric Rivera Is Playing the Game 

Selling pantry items, like spices, has helped keep Addo afloat.

Despite everything, the Seattle chef has found a way to successfully run his restaurant Addo — and he has some advice for the rest of the industry

Eric Rivera does not run a traditional kitchen. At his Seattle restaurant, Addo, the menu, cuisine, and concept change constantly. So when Seattle restaurants began to close in an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19, Rivera was already ahead of the game.

Rivera was 4,000 miles away giving a culinary tour in Puerto Rico when Washington Gov. Jay Inslee declared a state of emergency due to rising COVID-19 cases. In between staging meals and teaching his guests about the island’s culinary history, he set up his phone as a hotspot and began emailing clients and staff to rearrange the coming weeks of planned dining events and promotions, determining which could be salvaged as takeout and which needed to be completely restructured or worse, canceled.

On March 11, Rivera returned to Seattle and a calendar with reservations booked well into the next year. Addo used the Tock app for dinner reservations, but soon began using it to schedule carryout instead. Addo’s lunch catering, which amounted to about 30 percent of his business, was no longer feasible since all the high-end tech offices in the area closed, so Rivera began to make easy-to-reheat take-home meals to accommodate those newly working from home. He made and sold pantry items, like CSA boxes, yeast kits, and fresh-made pasta. He even hired his own delivery drivers to avoid working with gig-economy food delivery apps, which he believes take too much from both restaurants and drivers.

Adjusting to changes at the drop of a hat is common in most kitchens, but it’s something Rivera was used to well before he started working in restaurants. In the late aughts, Rivera ran his own mortgage insurance and financial services business when the Great Recession hit. He was an early success by most American standards, running his own offices in Washington, Oregon, and Idaho. “There’s this game-of-life kind of thing — you’re raised to believe that you need the nice house with the picket fence, the car. Checkmark, checkmark, checkmark. I had that when I was 24.”

Rivera recalls being at Costco picking up office supplies in 2008 when he got a call from an employee; they wanted him back in the office immediately. Rivera was surprised by the urgency. “No man, leave that shit there. We’re done,” his employee said.

“What? What do you mean?”

“We’re done. Everything’s closed, all the lines of credit. Everything’s done.”

Rivera felt he had to “learn to play the game.”

Rivera’s customers vanished almost immediately, and his business dwindled. He was forced to shift primarily to insurance. He was depressed. To save some money, he started cooking all of his meals at home and blogging about his successes and failures in the kitchen, mostly posting pictures of his process. He quickly amassed a bit of an audience and built a dialogue with some of the followers who were curious about the recipes he shared. “So then it became like more of a serious infatuation that I started to have,” he says. “It’s sort of what started to get me out of that spot.” Motivated by how quickly his skills had developed, he began to consider a career in food, and in 2010 he attended culinary school at the Art Institute in Seattle.

Acclimating to unfamiliar surroundings was nothing new to Rivera. His father was in the military for 30 years, and, as is common with that profession, the family moved around a lot. In order to build a bit of stability, when Rivera was 7 his parents chose to settle in Olympia, Washington — just over 60 miles south of Seattle — for a few years, and his grandparents left Puerto Rico for the Pacific Northwest to help with the kids. Growing up in Olympia, which was 82.5 percent white in the most recent census and more than 90 percent white in 1990, was challenging for Rivera’s Puerto Rican family. Fellow transplants to the Cascade region will tell you about the Seattle Freeze — if they haven’t already adopted it themselves. “In Seattle, in Washington, being passive aggressive, it’s an art form here,” Rivera says. “However, in my culture, if you have a fucking problem with somebody, you tell them in two seconds. You tell them to go fuck themselves. It’s over, it’s done with.” Rivera remembers the move to Washington as an uncomfortable transition. He recalls going to school and quickly realizing he and his family stood out from his predominately white classmates.

Rivera felt he had to “learn to play the game,” as he puts it. Beyond the regular curriculum of a student, he remembers playing the part of a young anthropologist, trying to learn about his peers’ preferred music, movies, food, and anything else that would allow him to fit in. “My grandpa would sit me in front of the TV and be like, ‘Sound like them, not like us!’ Meaning get rid of the accent, learn their shit.” However, while adapting to his surroundings, Rivera learned to embrace his own culture more fully. His grandfather taught him to cook at an early age. It wasn’t always easy to get the right ingredients, but he still managed to make Puerto Rican food, even in Olympia. When his grandparents eventually moved back to Puerto Rico, Rivera spent summers on the island and learned to move between the two worlds.

Rivera is selling rice, beans, and other Puero Rican pantry staples online.

The Addo space has transformed from restaurant to storage facility.

After culinary school, Rivera started working in restaurants, spending three years in Chicago as the director of culinary research operations with the Alinea Group. Early on, he began to see cracks in the way the industry was run. After an injury, Rivera was forced out of the kitchen and went without pay for months; again and again, he had to fight for meager raises. “The games you have to play are bullshit,” he says. “You have to go to the kitchens and stage for free. Dude, people that are younger and that come from different cultures and backgrounds can’t afford that — are you kidding me?”

After seven years in the industry, Rivera was ready to do his own thing, on his own terms. In the summer of 2017, he started running a chef’s table out of his Seattle apartment. He was unsure if diners would be interested in such a stripped-down eating experience, in which Rivera covered all aspects of service, but he was confident in himself. At the same time, he was running pop-ups out of any space he could get in town, cooking on panini grills in the back of coffee shops if need be. The hustle and desire to expand eventually led him to seek out his own space in the Ballard neighborhood of Seattle. He called it Addo.

Addo was an unconventional restaurant from the start. Although the chef’s table still existed in the new space, and you could still reserve space for a birthday party as you would at a more traditional restaurant, Addo relied on themed dinners booked months in advance. The menu changed based on current events, trends, and whatever popped into his head: He served a Pacific Northwest meal based on the grade-school computer game The Oregon Trail and multi-course dinners themed around Harry Potter. In an Instagram Live interview with Tom Colicchio in June, he described his process: “It’s truly head on a swivel. There were nights when we were a dine-in restaurant that we were doing three to five things a night because we had to. Here’s steak night, here’s a 20-course tasting menu, here’s Puerto Rican food, here’s a pasta thing we’re doing and there’s another thing.”

Puerto Rican food became a more significant part of Rivera’s professional life when, months after launching Addo, he expanded with Lechoncito, a side business that specializes in perfectly crispy and moist lechon, chicharron de pollo, and the famous jibarito inspired by his time in Chicago. Like Addo, Lechoncito also started as a pop-up, with a brief stint inside a whiskey distillery, but now Lechoncito food is sold through Addo a few times a month.

Although Rivera has mulled over the idea of making Puerto Rican food his primary focus, he appreciates that by having it as just one of the things he does, he’s not beholden to fickle food trends that could celebrate the cuisine one day and forget it the next. “[Puerto Rican cuisine] doesn’t stand out, because it’s just me talking about it or yelling about it, telling people how cool it is. That can only go so far,” he says. “There’s not enough people representing it or [who] know what they’re talking about ... thats why I have to be this fucking guy, that has to operate at this really high level to get that badge that says, ‘He knows what he’s talking about, he’s worked at a place with three Michelin stars.’”

Still, there’s a loyal clientele for Lechoncito. On a recent Sunday, Rivera greeted regulars and fawned over their dogs as they arrived to pick up orders of a sold-out whole-roasted pig, big-as-your-head chicharrones, and arroz con garbanzos. And since mid-July, Puerto Rican food has become an even bigger business for Rivera.

On July 9, at a roundtable for Hispanic business leaders, Goya CEO Robert Unanue praised President Donald Trump, quickly leading many, including Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, to call for a Goya boycott. Rivera saw an opportunity.

Rivera has a knack for social media, which he uses to create content for events, speak out about problems in the restaurant industry, or just post pictures of delicious food and cute dogs. As the Goya news and the hashtag #GoyaBoycott spread, he tweeted about his ability to ship pantry staples like sofrito, sazon, and adobo across the United States. Within hours, these tweets had been retweeted thousands of times, and Rivera made around 1,000 sales in the days following. These days, Addo resembles a warehouse space, with Rivera and a couple staff packing up spices, dry goods, and even house plants while Bad Bunny plays and the Puerto Rican flag hangs visibly from the front door. Online, Rivera jokingly calls himself “Amazing Primo,” a play on Amazon Prime.

“We’re punching above our weight class now,” Rivera says of Addo’s pandemic operation.

Despite the struggles restaurants across the country are facing as they adjust to pandemic restrictions, Addo is busy. Rivera credits his staff, who went from cooking and serving to packing boxes and printing shipping labels, for Addo’s survival. “Is it what I want to be doing? Absolutely not. But I don’t think you have a choice sometimes, and I’m just really grateful we have an option to keep this going ... if anyone was set up to be able to be pivoted, it was us,” says Ingrid Lyublinsky, Addo’s director of operations. “We’ve been doing it since the get-go.”

Addo chef John McGoldrick likens the constantly changing circumstances to the animated show Rick and Morty: “We’re just like a bunch of Mortys and chef Eric is Rick, sending us down a new portal every day.”

Although operating as a makeshift bodega may not be ideal for every kitchen, Rivera believes this is where restaurants are headed if they want to compete as major changes in the industry loom. He has even offered free Zoom classes to chefs about how to widen the scope of their restaurants, including tips on social media and running their own delivery or shipping. “We have less than seven employees, but we’re punching above our weight class right now with scaling things out and being more accessible to more people,” he says.

Rivera has grown increasingly frustrated by the response to the pandemic from many industry leaders. He believes big names and owners of chain restaurants will bounce back, leaving many smaller restaurants behind, as well as restaurant staff and BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and people of color), who will have to find new avenues of work or face deepening pay discrepancies. “There are people who are getting stimulus, getting enhanced unemployment, but you have undocumented workers who aren’t getting anything,” he says. “And they’re being pushed back into the fire immediately without any help.”

On Twitter, Rivera has called out well-known Seattle restaurateurs like Tom Douglas and Ethan Stowell, who shut down restaurants permanently and laid off hundreds of staff. More recently, Rivera criticized pushes to open restaurants as COVID-19 cases are rising once again. Rivera tweeted on June 11: “There are other options for dining but the consumer will drive things back and greedy owners will compromise their staff to serve them. There are no leaders in this industry. There are no voices that can make these points stick.”

“If I was a dude with an accent that made jibaritos and chicharrones on the side of the street, no one would give a fuck.”

While recent months have brought the cracks in the industry to the forefront, the pandemic is not the direct cause of many of them. Rivera takes issue with an industry built on what he believes is an antiquated system of constant investment and expansion. “A lot of chefs, who are frankly losing their asses right now, are going to realize it’s not wise to seek so much investment, those deals with the devil, in order to push themselves into the stratosphere of the industry,” he says. This system, Rivera says, perpetuates the problems within the restaurant industry and benefits only “old, rich white men.”

Rivera’s tweets have earned the attention of the famous chefs he’s called out; some have even reached out to him. Colicchio invited him to an Instagram Live conversation about his experiences in the restaurant industry. And in an episode of the Dave Chang Show podcast, Chang said of Rivera, “Everything he’s saying is not something I always agree with, but I respect his viewpoints on a lot of things. If you look at what he’s doing it’s anything and everything, that’s what you have to see cause we have no idea what’s going to work. You got to try it all and make mistakes and adapt, make mistakes and adapt.”

Rivera recognizes that his own privilege has contributed to some of this success. “I knew what I had to do in order to play the game for people to listen to me,” he says. “If I was a dude with an accent that made jibaritos and chicharrones on the side of the street, no one would give a fuck.” However, he wants that game to change. “First, they need to get the fuck out of the way. They need to just get out of the way,” he says, referring to the old guard of primarily white men. “I don’t want to see another white dude traveling around the world discovering food. I’m tired of the Christopher Columbus shit.”

Rivera isn’t convinced that a return to some level of “normal” after the pandemic will solve many of his issues with the industry, including the financial barriers for BIPOC-run restaurants and the treatment of back-of-house staff in big-name restaurants. However, he’s inspired by younger generations of cooks and writers, like Alicia Kennedy and Illyanna Maisonet, for speaking out about the changes that need to happen, and credits them with “[helping] me establish how to be a voice, if you will, without just saying ‘fuck you’ every two seconds.” And six months into the pandemic, Rivera is still playing it day to day, ready to pivot once again whenever the need should arise. As he packs up spices, thinks up new to-go meals, and updates his website, he hopes that, at the very least, what he has done in his kitchen resonates in a food world that’s in dire need of a drastic pivot of its own.

Alberto Perez is a freelance writer currently based out of Seattle, but he’d rather be back in Texas eating tacos. Suzi Pratt is a photographer based in Seattle.

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/36lJt39 https://ift.tt/30qG27w

Selling pantry items, like spices, has helped keep Addo afloat.

Despite everything, the Seattle chef has found a way to successfully run his restaurant Addo — and he has some advice for the rest of the industry

Eric Rivera does not run a traditional kitchen. At his Seattle restaurant, Addo, the menu, cuisine, and concept change constantly. So when Seattle restaurants began to close in an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19, Rivera was already ahead of the game.

Rivera was 4,000 miles away giving a culinary tour in Puerto Rico when Washington Gov. Jay Inslee declared a state of emergency due to rising COVID-19 cases. In between staging meals and teaching his guests about the island’s culinary history, he set up his phone as a hotspot and began emailing clients and staff to rearrange the coming weeks of planned dining events and promotions, determining which could be salvaged as takeout and which needed to be completely restructured or worse, canceled.

On March 11, Rivera returned to Seattle and a calendar with reservations booked well into the next year. Addo used the Tock app for dinner reservations, but soon began using it to schedule carryout instead. Addo’s lunch catering, which amounted to about 30 percent of his business, was no longer feasible since all the high-end tech offices in the area closed, so Rivera began to make easy-to-reheat take-home meals to accommodate those newly working from home. He made and sold pantry items, like CSA boxes, yeast kits, and fresh-made pasta. He even hired his own delivery drivers to avoid working with gig-economy food delivery apps, which he believes take too much from both restaurants and drivers.

Adjusting to changes at the drop of a hat is common in most kitchens, but it’s something Rivera was used to well before he started working in restaurants. In the late aughts, Rivera ran his own mortgage insurance and financial services business when the Great Recession hit. He was an early success by most American standards, running his own offices in Washington, Oregon, and Idaho. “There’s this game-of-life kind of thing — you’re raised to believe that you need the nice house with the picket fence, the car. Checkmark, checkmark, checkmark. I had that when I was 24.”

Rivera recalls being at Costco picking up office supplies in 2008 when he got a call from an employee; they wanted him back in the office immediately. Rivera was surprised by the urgency. “No man, leave that shit there. We’re done,” his employee said.

“What? What do you mean?”

“We’re done. Everything’s closed, all the lines of credit. Everything’s done.”

Rivera felt he had to “learn to play the game.”

Rivera’s customers vanished almost immediately, and his business dwindled. He was forced to shift primarily to insurance. He was depressed. To save some money, he started cooking all of his meals at home and blogging about his successes and failures in the kitchen, mostly posting pictures of his process. He quickly amassed a bit of an audience and built a dialogue with some of the followers who were curious about the recipes he shared. “So then it became like more of a serious infatuation that I started to have,” he says. “It’s sort of what started to get me out of that spot.” Motivated by how quickly his skills had developed, he began to consider a career in food, and in 2010 he attended culinary school at the Art Institute in Seattle.

Acclimating to unfamiliar surroundings was nothing new to Rivera. His father was in the military for 30 years, and, as is common with that profession, the family moved around a lot. In order to build a bit of stability, when Rivera was 7 his parents chose to settle in Olympia, Washington — just over 60 miles south of Seattle — for a few years, and his grandparents left Puerto Rico for the Pacific Northwest to help with the kids. Growing up in Olympia, which was 82.5 percent white in the most recent census and more than 90 percent white in 1990, was challenging for Rivera’s Puerto Rican family. Fellow transplants to the Cascade region will tell you about the Seattle Freeze — if they haven’t already adopted it themselves. “In Seattle, in Washington, being passive aggressive, it’s an art form here,” Rivera says. “However, in my culture, if you have a fucking problem with somebody, you tell them in two seconds. You tell them to go fuck themselves. It’s over, it’s done with.” Rivera remembers the move to Washington as an uncomfortable transition. He recalls going to school and quickly realizing he and his family stood out from his predominately white classmates.

Rivera felt he had to “learn to play the game,” as he puts it. Beyond the regular curriculum of a student, he remembers playing the part of a young anthropologist, trying to learn about his peers’ preferred music, movies, food, and anything else that would allow him to fit in. “My grandpa would sit me in front of the TV and be like, ‘Sound like them, not like us!’ Meaning get rid of the accent, learn their shit.” However, while adapting to his surroundings, Rivera learned to embrace his own culture more fully. His grandfather taught him to cook at an early age. It wasn’t always easy to get the right ingredients, but he still managed to make Puerto Rican food, even in Olympia. When his grandparents eventually moved back to Puerto Rico, Rivera spent summers on the island and learned to move between the two worlds.

Rivera is selling rice, beans, and other Puero Rican pantry staples online.

The Addo space has transformed from restaurant to storage facility.

After culinary school, Rivera started working in restaurants, spending three years in Chicago as the director of culinary research operations with the Alinea Group. Early on, he began to see cracks in the way the industry was run. After an injury, Rivera was forced out of the kitchen and went without pay for months; again and again, he had to fight for meager raises. “The games you have to play are bullshit,” he says. “You have to go to the kitchens and stage for free. Dude, people that are younger and that come from different cultures and backgrounds can’t afford that — are you kidding me?”

After seven years in the industry, Rivera was ready to do his own thing, on his own terms. In the summer of 2017, he started running a chef’s table out of his Seattle apartment. He was unsure if diners would be interested in such a stripped-down eating experience, in which Rivera covered all aspects of service, but he was confident in himself. At the same time, he was running pop-ups out of any space he could get in town, cooking on panini grills in the back of coffee shops if need be. The hustle and desire to expand eventually led him to seek out his own space in the Ballard neighborhood of Seattle. He called it Addo.

Addo was an unconventional restaurant from the start. Although the chef’s table still existed in the new space, and you could still reserve space for a birthday party as you would at a more traditional restaurant, Addo relied on themed dinners booked months in advance. The menu changed based on current events, trends, and whatever popped into his head: He served a Pacific Northwest meal based on the grade-school computer game The Oregon Trail and multi-course dinners themed around Harry Potter. In an Instagram Live interview with Tom Colicchio in June, he described his process: “It’s truly head on a swivel. There were nights when we were a dine-in restaurant that we were doing three to five things a night because we had to. Here’s steak night, here’s a 20-course tasting menu, here’s Puerto Rican food, here’s a pasta thing we’re doing and there’s another thing.”

Puerto Rican food became a more significant part of Rivera’s professional life when, months after launching Addo, he expanded with Lechoncito, a side business that specializes in perfectly crispy and moist lechon, chicharron de pollo, and the famous jibarito inspired by his time in Chicago. Like Addo, Lechoncito also started as a pop-up, with a brief stint inside a whiskey distillery, but now Lechoncito food is sold through Addo a few times a month.

Although Rivera has mulled over the idea of making Puerto Rican food his primary focus, he appreciates that by having it as just one of the things he does, he’s not beholden to fickle food trends that could celebrate the cuisine one day and forget it the next. “[Puerto Rican cuisine] doesn’t stand out, because it’s just me talking about it or yelling about it, telling people how cool it is. That can only go so far,” he says. “There’s not enough people representing it or [who] know what they’re talking about ... thats why I have to be this fucking guy, that has to operate at this really high level to get that badge that says, ‘He knows what he’s talking about, he’s worked at a place with three Michelin stars.’”

Still, there’s a loyal clientele for Lechoncito. On a recent Sunday, Rivera greeted regulars and fawned over their dogs as they arrived to pick up orders of a sold-out whole-roasted pig, big-as-your-head chicharrones, and arroz con garbanzos. And since mid-July, Puerto Rican food has become an even bigger business for Rivera.

On July 9, at a roundtable for Hispanic business leaders, Goya CEO Robert Unanue praised President Donald Trump, quickly leading many, including Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, to call for a Goya boycott. Rivera saw an opportunity.

Rivera has a knack for social media, which he uses to create content for events, speak out about problems in the restaurant industry, or just post pictures of delicious food and cute dogs. As the Goya news and the hashtag #GoyaBoycott spread, he tweeted about his ability to ship pantry staples like sofrito, sazon, and adobo across the United States. Within hours, these tweets had been retweeted thousands of times, and Rivera made around 1,000 sales in the days following. These days, Addo resembles a warehouse space, with Rivera and a couple staff packing up spices, dry goods, and even house plants while Bad Bunny plays and the Puerto Rican flag hangs visibly from the front door. Online, Rivera jokingly calls himself “Amazing Primo,” a play on Amazon Prime.

“We’re punching above our weight class now,” Rivera says of Addo’s pandemic operation.

Despite the struggles restaurants across the country are facing as they adjust to pandemic restrictions, Addo is busy. Rivera credits his staff, who went from cooking and serving to packing boxes and printing shipping labels, for Addo’s survival. “Is it what I want to be doing? Absolutely not. But I don’t think you have a choice sometimes, and I’m just really grateful we have an option to keep this going ... if anyone was set up to be able to be pivoted, it was us,” says Ingrid Lyublinsky, Addo’s director of operations. “We’ve been doing it since the get-go.”

Addo chef John McGoldrick likens the constantly changing circumstances to the animated show Rick and Morty: “We’re just like a bunch of Mortys and chef Eric is Rick, sending us down a new portal every day.”

Although operating as a makeshift bodega may not be ideal for every kitchen, Rivera believes this is where restaurants are headed if they want to compete as major changes in the industry loom. He has even offered free Zoom classes to chefs about how to widen the scope of their restaurants, including tips on social media and running their own delivery or shipping. “We have less than seven employees, but we’re punching above our weight class right now with scaling things out and being more accessible to more people,” he says.

Rivera has grown increasingly frustrated by the response to the pandemic from many industry leaders. He believes big names and owners of chain restaurants will bounce back, leaving many smaller restaurants behind, as well as restaurant staff and BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and people of color), who will have to find new avenues of work or face deepening pay discrepancies. “There are people who are getting stimulus, getting enhanced unemployment, but you have undocumented workers who aren’t getting anything,” he says. “And they’re being pushed back into the fire immediately without any help.”

On Twitter, Rivera has called out well-known Seattle restaurateurs like Tom Douglas and Ethan Stowell, who shut down restaurants permanently and laid off hundreds of staff. More recently, Rivera criticized pushes to open restaurants as COVID-19 cases are rising once again. Rivera tweeted on June 11: “There are other options for dining but the consumer will drive things back and greedy owners will compromise their staff to serve them. There are no leaders in this industry. There are no voices that can make these points stick.”

“If I was a dude with an accent that made jibaritos and chicharrones on the side of the street, no one would give a fuck.”

While recent months have brought the cracks in the industry to the forefront, the pandemic is not the direct cause of many of them. Rivera takes issue with an industry built on what he believes is an antiquated system of constant investment and expansion. “A lot of chefs, who are frankly losing their asses right now, are going to realize it’s not wise to seek so much investment, those deals with the devil, in order to push themselves into the stratosphere of the industry,” he says. This system, Rivera says, perpetuates the problems within the restaurant industry and benefits only “old, rich white men.”

Rivera’s tweets have earned the attention of the famous chefs he’s called out; some have even reached out to him. Colicchio invited him to an Instagram Live conversation about his experiences in the restaurant industry. And in an episode of the Dave Chang Show podcast, Chang said of Rivera, “Everything he’s saying is not something I always agree with, but I respect his viewpoints on a lot of things. If you look at what he’s doing it’s anything and everything, that’s what you have to see cause we have no idea what’s going to work. You got to try it all and make mistakes and adapt, make mistakes and adapt.”

Rivera recognizes that his own privilege has contributed to some of this success. “I knew what I had to do in order to play the game for people to listen to me,” he says. “If I was a dude with an accent that made jibaritos and chicharrones on the side of the street, no one would give a fuck.” However, he wants that game to change. “First, they need to get the fuck out of the way. They need to just get out of the way,” he says, referring to the old guard of primarily white men. “I don’t want to see another white dude traveling around the world discovering food. I’m tired of the Christopher Columbus shit.”

Rivera isn’t convinced that a return to some level of “normal” after the pandemic will solve many of his issues with the industry, including the financial barriers for BIPOC-run restaurants and the treatment of back-of-house staff in big-name restaurants. However, he’s inspired by younger generations of cooks and writers, like Alicia Kennedy and Illyanna Maisonet, for speaking out about the changes that need to happen, and credits them with “[helping] me establish how to be a voice, if you will, without just saying ‘fuck you’ every two seconds.” And six months into the pandemic, Rivera is still playing it day to day, ready to pivot once again whenever the need should arise. As he packs up spices, thinks up new to-go meals, and updates his website, he hopes that, at the very least, what he has done in his kitchen resonates in a food world that’s in dire need of a drastic pivot of its own.

Alberto Perez is a freelance writer currently based out of Seattle, but he’d rather be back in Texas eating tacos. Suzi Pratt is a photographer based in Seattle.

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/36lJt39 via Blogger https://ift.tt/30orTHX

[captainexplody]

Cat Whistles

Knock knock knock! Bobert Armitage knocks on the front door of a house, knocking three times as he has been officially trained to do. Well not really, nobody really trained him at all, he just figured his profession out himself. And he thinks that knocking on a door three times is a good idea, it sounds good. Looks good. Looks and sounds good, that’s what he always says. I mean obviously he doesn’t ALWAYS say that, that’d be a really weird thing to say all the time. Although that’s Bobert Armitage in a nutshell, a kinda weird guy. That’s probably the best way to describe him. A weird guy.

Anyway so Bobert Armitage knocks the door of this house three times. Knock knock knock! That’s the sound of a man knocking on a front door with his fist. Bobert waits patiently outside the door, calmly waiting for somebody to open it for him, so he can converse with the person who has opened the door. That is part one of his plan. He grins to himself as he looks down at the big bag he is carrying with him. Step one: get a guy inside a house to open the door of the house. Step two: engage in dialogue with said person. Step three: Sell that person some wares. Bobert Armitage’s wares are contained in the bag, y’see. Now it’s all starting to make sense.

Bobert Armitage rings the doorbell of this house, pressing on the button three times sharply. He then knocks on the front door three times, and sets his big bag of wares down on the ground beside him as he straightens his tie, getting ready for the big presentation he is about to deliver to whoever finally ends up opening that door. Bobert Armitage is not at all put off by the long time it takes people to answer their doors these days, he’s well used to it. He does this a lot, this is his job, bothering people until they open their doors to him. He knows how to wait. He always heard people say ‘good things come to those who wait’ and so Bobert Armitage is adept at waiting things out. He’s waiting for those good things to come to him, and he can wait all day if he has to.

Knock knock knock! Bobert Armitage knocks on the door three times once again, brushing some dust off of the shoulders of his jacket, his big smile never once waining. He’s full of enthusiasm, that Bobert Armitage. Always prepared for a sale, always finding the fun in everything. Some people would lose their enthusiasm quickly enough, would tire of this repetitive and rarely satisfying job, but Bobert Armitage relishes it, perhaps because it’s all he has left. Eventually Bobert Armitage can hear some movement behind the big wooden door, and he knocks sharply three times again. Knock knock knock!

He puts his biggest, cheeriest grin on as he waits patiently for the door to open. A clickity clack of locks being turned can be heard, and then the big door swings open slowly, revealing a very angry looking man standing behind it, glaring at Bobert Armitage angrily.

Angry Man: What?

Bobert Armitage: Hello sir! How are you today?

Angry Man: What do you want?

Bobert Armitage: I want to know how you are today?

Angry Man: I’m fine. What do you really want?

Bobert Armitage: Why sir, I am here to revolutionise your entire life!

Angry Man: I doubt that very much.

Bobert Armitage: There is no need for doubts, my friend! I can help you, if you will only grant me but one moment of your time.

Angry Man: ... How long exactly is a moment?

Bobert Armitage: Why we could quibble over the various quantities of time, but instead of that I would like to spend a small portion of our precious time on what I have in my bag!

Bobert Armitage waggles his index finger around the way a salesman does inexplicably, and then he reaches down to the bag on the ground, popping it open as the angry man watches on patiently.

Angry Man: You better not be selling me Bibles, boy. I’ve had my fill of Bibles, I have too many as it is. And I’ve only read half of one of them, I don’t have time to read any more Bibles. Also its so bloody boring! You’d think if this was the straight word of God, he’d get to the point better.

Bobert Armitage: What I have in this bag is no Bible, sir. What I have in this bag is an incredible, practical invention that everybody on your street will want!

Angry Man: I doubt that very much.

Bobert Armitage: Well my good friend, let me show you my wares!

Bobert Armitage eagerly reaches into the bag and pulls out a big handful of his wares, which he then holds up in front of the angry man. In Bobert Armitage‘s hands are a large collection of small plastic pipes with a hole drilled into one end. The pipes are multicoloured, all around the same size. Bobert Armitage holds his hands out a little closer to the angry mans face. Angry man does not look amused.

Angry Man: ... What are these supposed to be?

Bobert Armitage: Why my good sir, these are cat whistles!

Angry Man: ... What is a cat whistle?

Bobert Armitage: These! These are cat whistles!

Angry Man: What am I supposed to do with a cat whistle?

Bobert Armitage: Why my friend, what CAN’T you do with a cat whistle?

Angry Man: Ok, tell me what I CAN do with one first.

Bobert Armitage: Certainly! 

Bobert Armitage drops most of the cat whistles back into his bag, picking out one specific one which he holds in between his fingers, the way a magician would hold up a card that he wants the mark to focus on, a card which is no more special than the others, and not special at all unless in the hands of a skilled man.

Bobert Armitage: You can blow on it like a whistle!

Bobert Armitage shows off exactly what a whistle is supposed to do, by putting it in between his lips and then blowing on it relatively hard. A strange, ethereal whistling noise comes out of the little whistle, it sounds nothing like the kind of sound you would imagine a little whistle like that would make. After a few painful seconds of listening to this odd whistling sound, Bobert Armitage ceases blowing and pulls the whistle out from between his lips again. He grins at the angry man in the doorway, pleased that his whistle worked. The angry man does not look any less angry.

Angry Man: Is that it? It’s a whistle?

Bobert Armitage: Yes sir!

Angry Man: What’s that got to do with cats? Can cats hear it?

Bobert Armitage: I don’t know, I’ve never asked a cat if it could hear it before.

The angry man continues to look angry.

Angry Man: What is this, a joke? I don’t understand. You’re wasting my time here, I don’t appreciate that.

Bobert Armitage: I’m just trying to sell you some cat whistles.

Angry Man: Ok first of all, it’s really bad at being a whistle. I mean that is a terrible noise for a whistle to make. Second of all, why are they called cat whistles if they don’t have anything to do with cats?

Bobert Armitage shrugs his shoulders calmly.

Bobert Armitage: I just like the name.

Angry Man: Ok well thats false advertising right there. You come around here bothering people like this, eventually you’re going to get your head kicked in, know what I mean?

Bobert Armitage: Not really. I’m just a travelling salesman trying to peddle his wares to make an honest living. I hand crafted these cat whistles myself, this is all one hundred percent unique and special.

Angry Man: It’s one hundred percent bullshit if you ask me. Your crappy whistles won’t sell, nobody around here wants any of that garbage. Have you been to other people’s houses in this street?

Bobert Armitage: Yessir.

Angry Man: And how many of my neighbours liked your crappy whistles?

Bobert Armitage: Well one family looked interested in buying some soon...

Angry Man: They pretended to look interested because they felt sad for you and your stupid crappy whistles that you’ve wasted your life on making. Just go home and give this crap up. You’re annoying people around here trying to sell them something nobody wants or likes.

Bobert Armitage: Just because you don’t like something, doesn’t mean that everybody won’t like it. 

Angry Man: Yeah, but nobody is going to want something as crappy as this. Alright, I’ve wasted enough time talking to you. SOME of us have things to do today!

Bobert Armitage: I’d just like to point out I have something to do today.

Angry Man: And what’s that?

Bobert Armitage: Selling cat whistles! Would you like one? I’m doing a deal, you can get all 45 colours for a low low price of £12! Now THAT’S a good deal!

The angry man glares at Bobert Armitage angrily (as you would imagine an angry man to do) and then he slams the door shut. Bobert Armitage sighs to himself, before he perks himself up again and grabs his bag full of cat whistles. He pokes one of the whistles in between his lips again and starts whistling a very strange sounding tune as he skips down the path away from the angry mans house. He strolls down the street until he gets to the next house in line, and then he happily strolls down that garden path. He made these cat whistles himself, he’s very proud of them. Sure, they might not make sense to everybody, but there’s got to be somebody out there who appreciates his craftsmanship and originality, somebody who appreciates what he has to offer to the world, even if it isn’t the most useful thing. Bobert Armitage stands in front of another front door, eagerly awaiting the challenge in front of him, the challenge of trying to persuade some people that his cat whistles are a cool idea. There’s only so many houses in the world, if he keeps trying he’s going to stumble into the right one eventually. Knock knock knock.

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Liveblog #170

UPDATE 170: Dave Gets His Epiphany

Last time Hussie had decided it was time to pour even more dialogue onto the readers, since last time it hadn’t been enough, hah! Ten different dialogue options – presented linearly, in a subversion of how this usually goes. So let’s continue with what may or may not be the last chance these characters have of talking to each other before the fights.

So I heard that hovering over the options one already cleared would show images, and that was right! There are images. It seems Dave and Dirk continue just...lying around awkwardly, and Vriska and her ghost are arguing while Meenah fantasizes about varied stuff. There’s more than can be done, although the very next option is Roxy being alone. She’s still trying to create the matriorb. Calliope is sitting right in front of her, in silent support role. Roxy channels the universe and Alternia’s complicated state of matters, and...

Well! Mission accomplished! That was easier than I thought it’d be, even with Calliope’s silent help. I suppose there wasn’t more time for delaying this any longer. Kanaya is going to be immensely happy the troll race will be resurrected now. This was a short detour, completely devoid of words but with a significant development – at least to complete quite some part of Roxy and Kanaya’s arcs and goals in this story.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, Roxy and Calliope leave right when the bizarre combination that is Jasprosesprite arrives to hassle Jane for a while longer. I’m crossing my fingers this’ll be quick and painless.

JASPROSESPRITE^2: Miss me Rose?  JASPROSESPRITE^2: Did you know I love you?? Weird thing for me to say and you to hear, probably!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: I inherited the adoration our cat had for you, which now strangely is directed with the exact same intensity at myself, because I'm you!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: Funnily enough this manifests itself in a particularly acute form of narcissism, which is something we were already sort of afflicted by, and so was our cat by the very nature of the sort of animal he was!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: The bottom line is I'm pretty twisted up inside in all the most beautiful ways and it's wonderful.  ROSE: It really isn't.

Haha, okay, that one was actually pretty funny. She’s not wrong, Rose, you do tend to have slight traces of narcissism in your personality. Guess that all the increased narcissism in this sprite is what makes it have absolutely no brain-mouth filter, what with having an inflated sense of the self and what one says. Being a cat can’t help that either.

Now that Jasperosesprite made the customary hassling towards Rose, she gets straight to business about the battle plan. She has to arrange with Jane how it’ll be done, after all. This is achieved by taking Jane away without even giving her a moment to prepare. There’s someone she needs to meet, somebody in Jane’s planet.

Ah, true, the denizen. The New Wonderkids’ session was rather lacking in information about the denizens, especially since this session was meant to do pretty much nothing. Given Hussie’s track record so far, I’m almost completely sure that Jane’s talk with the denizen will happen off-screen and the characters will talk about it once it’s done, so...no more option than waiting until this is done!

Damn it , I have been bamboozled! Well played, Hussie, you had me fooled, I admit it. This could be good, though, not everyday you meet a senior version of yourself that’s dressed as a clown and...is the mother of your father. This is time-travel-gone-wrong levels of weird.

Aw, come on, Hussie, I wanted to see this! But nope, just when Nannasprite got in front of Jane the section ended and went to the next. Oh well. I’m really hoping I’ll have the chance to see how this goes, but I’m not going to hold my breath over it. The scribbled images of what the rest of the options are doing show John and Terezi discussing how Rose could have a black romance status with, uh, a version of herself. Yeeeeeeah no, let’s not do that. Doesn’t seem healthy – just ask Karkat, it’d be a headache.

About Roxy and Calliope, they just arrived to what I think is Jade’s planet, and Calliope is told to stay with Jade. I had completely forgotten Jade is still asleep. It’s once again said that it’s nice to have Calliope around. And...that was it! I just summarized around six or so pages in this very short paragraph.

I think that goes way beyond the realm of kismesis behavior Rose...and out of the realm of sanity as well. Stay away from any copies of the Sassacre book, resist the temptation. Anyways, Dave and Dirk are still here. Going to try to talk again? They’re focusing more on the battle to come than on anything else. Hah! No progress on the heartfelt conversation front, apparently.

DAVE: hes got lord english powers tho

It could be a way to know how well a fight against Lord English would go, then. Sure, Union Jack is completely different, less bulky, has no time powers, and presumably has one single personality in that noggin of his instead of being a weird amalgamation, but it’d be a way to see if they are ready to fight against Lord English. Think of it as having training wheels on your bike.

Swords can’t help you solve problems with people, who’d have thought. Dirk and Jake are the closest example to how someone who has spent their formative years alone and without the presence of people around would behave: with no social skills at all. Jade got very lucky in that regard, she is very well-balanced for someone who grew on an island and only had a dog for company. Then again, her Dreamself must have been of help, the Prospitians must have helped her have some people skills.

DIRK: ...  DAVE: ...

Nothing has changed here.

It takes a few pages more before Dirk takes the plunge headfirst down the emotional cliff, with all the grace of a novice. It does get the conversation going, mostly about how this isn’t how he pictured the meeting going.

DIRK: Maybe you'll think it's weird that I idolized some version of you that I never knew. 

These two are much more similar than they each realize. Their upbringings aren’t that different, heck, I’d say that Lil’ Hal fulfilled the role Bro had, just with less sword attacks. Other than that it was pretty much the same, an isolated life with an aloof person/glasses in the vicinity. Come on, Dave, admit you idolized Bro. That’d be a great step towards turning the page in your life and bonding with Dirk, you can do it!

DAVE: ive got to say  DAVE: meeting you  DAVE: its not rockin my world here  DAVE: or upending any paradigms or whatever  DAVE: listening to you and looking at you  DAVE: it really really just  DAVE: reminds me of him

Close enough! I’m a bit downtrodden there was no exchange of words between Bro and Dave so I could have a reference on how similar this actual situation is to how they got along. I imagine Bro wasn’t that different from Dirk.

DIRK: Things, between you and me, from your perspective, um,  DIRK: Are we like, not cool?  DAVE: ..................

I’m not sure if it’s telling or not that there was no ‘yeah’ or similar quick response.

DAVE: i didnt fuckin like you that much ok? 

...

...

...okay, that isn’t how I thought it’d go. I suppose there’s a difference between idolizing and actually liking a person. Good for you for saying it aloud, Dave. It must have been very difficult to say to anybody, even more to a version of your brother.

After a sequence of images meant to show how little time passed between Dave going “I don’t want to talk about it” to “okay heres what im saying” he finally starts...and boy is it tough.

DAVE: i dunno why my friends got to have adults around who cared about them  DAVE: they complained bitterly about stuff so i guess i convinced myself they were all in the same boat as me  DAVE: but thats not how it was 

That’s pretty much how kids and teenagers are, they complain and don’t realize sometimes such complaints aren’t about things as bad as they could be. Leaving behind such behavior is part of growing up. Dave didn’t realize how badly he was being treated, though, he just saw no difference between his life and the lives of the rest of his friends – at first.

DAVE: so all thats left to do is look back and try to put the pieces together of my first 13 years  DAVE: and all i can think is what the fuck WAS that?!  DAVE: i dont come away with the impression i used to try convincing myself of, that he was like "mysterious" or "stern" or "aloof"  DAVE: the only feeling left is this insane impression that i was raised by somebody who fuckin HATED me 

...hated you? Hm...honestly? I don’t know. Bro’s way of raising Dave had a lot of things wrong, and I really don’t know how to interpret it. I’m interested on knowing how other people interpreted it. Would you mind telling me your thoughts, everyone? I really don’t know what to think about this.

Dirk actually sounds horrified about what he’s hearing. Perhaps he doesn’t like the thought of his equivalent doing this all?

DAVE: it took years to deconstruct it all and put it back together to understand how fuckin mad i should be  DAVE: and in particular how stone cold deeply uncared for i was my whole life  DAVE: like... being merely "monitored" by a violent robot 

Haha...you know what this brought to mind? What went through my head right when I read this part?

TT: Don't worry, that's normal.  TT: Upon activation he goes into Stalking Mode.  GT: Stalking mode??  TT: Yes. He will stalk you in the jungle and strike when your guard is down. 

It’s exactly that. Dave pretty much described the robot Dirk made and sent to Jake. It’s pretty much the same in terms of how Dave was raised! Wow, Hussie, did you do this on purpose? I think you did this on purpose! Dave may as well have been raised by the brobot thing, and just like Jake – who dreaded encountering it and once he had to fight it didn’t precisely have loads of fun – Dave now doesn’t want to fight. He wants to avoid this fighting thing, and hates that he has to be the one to grab the sword and slay the villain.

You seriously screwed up here, Bro.

Dave even brings up that maybe things would have been better if Lil’ Cal hadn’t been around. Maybe! The influence of Lord English can’t be an ingredient in a healthy household – even more since part of Lord English is once another version of Dirk. Hah! Life sucks for the Striders. It’s...it’s rather depressing, actually. I wonder if at the time they had to cram Caliborn into the puppet Dave realized what Lil’ Cal was. Even if he did, I doubt he’d have any kind of reaction when anyone was nearby, but at that moment I imagine many things clicked in Dave’s head.

Would Bro have been any different if that puppet of the damned hadn’t been around? Uh...I dunno. Maybe it really was a poisonous influence of some sort, influence Dirk was lucky not to have. It’s all up to interpretation, I’d say.

I think now that the epiphany is complete I can stop the update and continue next time. This, though, this is exactly what I was hoping the Striders would do, that at least one of them would unload this heavy emotional baggage, and it’s for the better! I’m glad it’s actually happening.

Next update: three updates

[tayegi]

Equilibrium is blowing my mind 😮😮😮 I never expected jungkook to suddenly turn into some possessive psycho jerk 😨😨 I really hope he gets his shit together. What the flying f*ck 😱😱😱 In fact It'd be cool if Jin suddenly showed up with food and The OC leaves that chaotic relationship for food 😂😂😂😂 EVRYONE WOULD PICK FOOD OVER RELATIONSHIPS. right ? Am i the only one lol *cries*

AHHHH THANK YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE FOR THEIR LOVELY ASKS!!! IT’S GOOD TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE CAN HAVE HEALTHY, NON-PROBLEMATIC REACTIONS TO GROSS, CONTROLLING MEN! 

THANK YOUUUU AND MORE UNDER THE CUT: (i’ve grouped all your asks here because I unfortunately don’t have time to respond to every one, but i have read them all and appreciated every line <3 love you guys) 

Anonymous said:Sorry for being late to the party lol, but I just read the new update of Equilibrium and I felt so fucking anxious and scared for the oc. I don't know how in the hell, some ppl find jungkook's actions hot when he is literally being psychotic and obsessive. Especially the part when he told her 'You'll regret it', he's basically threatening her there. It's obvious the whole relationship they have is toxic af and it only seems to be getting worse as time passes. Apart from that, have a nice day!

Anonymous said:OMG EQUILIBRIUM 11 Omg I still have goosebumps, like Jungkook was being so fucking possessive it scared the shit out of me. Even tho It was a shitty move for the oc to not attend his graduation, she still could had attended but that phone call... I don't want this to turn into some creepy murdering fanfic LOL. Ughhh Jungkook what is even going in your mind? I'll be looking forward to the next chapter! xx :)

Anonymous said:Dude, you did such a great job at writing o/c's anxiety in this chapter. I try not to be bias toward her, but it's really hard since the story us in her pov. I got seriously grossed out by JK, man. I was so uncomfortable with the whole morning ordeal. 😩 And his threat at the end?? I know it's a story, but I had my friend-instincts kick in and I just wanted to shake her and be like "PLEASE LEAVE THIS RN PLEASE" (1)

Anonymous said:(2) And I'm curious about how Jimin would react if he knew how JK was acting. He has this idea that JK is a perfect boy, but if only he knew...But, at the same time, they all have this distorted view of one another, huh? We see Jimin as Mr. Perfect cause that's how o/c sees him. I guess it goes into that whole "unreliable narrator" thing? I'm just writing what thoughts the chapter has provoked. I absolutely love how u pay attention to detail in this story!! Awesome job as usual, mane 😊🙆

Anonymous said:Jungkook needs to take a moment to realize how miserable and uncomfortable the OC is like my goodness. Things have gone waaaaaay downhill. Especially for the OC. Also Jungkook actions are just kind of creepy??? And just like so unhealthy. I know it can be really hard to get out of a relationship, and she still loves Jimin and all, but the OC needs to just get out of there.

Anonymous said:omg jk is becoming such a possessive creep like reading the last part gave me chills tbh. they all need to realize that this relationship is v toxic and dip out of it. i kind of expected this to become what it is from the beginning but you still added twists to it that caught me off guard, thanks for being a great writer lu

Anonymous said:oh man that last chapter. just really fucking scary.... i went back and reread the end of ch.10 to recap and it makes me wonder how far y/n's willing to go for what's "worth it" in exchange for her own personal well being. because fuck, what jungkook is exhibiting is extremely concerning. as always your writing is amazing! thank you for using your free time this way, i'm sorry people are being gross and rude. you don't deserve that kinda shit, lu :(

Anonymous said:I genuinely love how you describe the OC as a trapped bird, and seeing how Jungkook reacted to everything is actually causing me to fear for the OC's well-being. I just want her to exist the whole relationship and just hook up with sunshine, can do no wrong hobi instead of the possessive junglecock and the passive Jimin :/ just my thoughts. But you're an extremely talented writer and your PhD is more important than smutty fanfic, so take all the time you need <3

Anonymous said:Ok first of all what the hell at ppl asking u for quick updates cuz ive lived with phd students they literally have a never ending to do list and im so amazed at ur ability to find time to write unbelievable. U go girl. And 2ndly, the claustraphobia u mentioned that oc was feeling. That was so detailed and even i felt like i was in her place. And jk..uve characterized his possessiveness so well and i got so mad forgetting this was a fictional character i was ready to throw a chair

Anonymous said:eek jungkook is making the equilibrium relationship so unhealthy somebody punch him

Anonymous said:Jungkook makes me so uncomfortable and I can actually feel the claustrophobia that OC feels .-. Overall, really excited for the next parts and can't wait to reread to see if I can find more theories. Thanks for the new chapter!

Anonymous said:ch 11... HOLY FUCK SHE NEED TO GET OUT JK IS LOONEY!! you really know how to make a story really good dude. super excited for updates!! i'm really curious about jimin's thought process about all of this. you've given a really good insight on kook and oc but jimin is still a little hard for me to figure out, i assume that's coming soon? i feel for oc, i want to protect her and tell her she's stronger and smarter than all of this. she's worth more than all of this craziness!!! GIRL POWER!! lol

Anonymous said:Holy fucking shit everything is so messed up in equilibrium like !! I love it and at the same time i cry because of the way you describe the oc's feelings I SWEAR I CAN FEEL IT TOO HOW DO YOU DO THAT? I can feel everything, my heart is pounding so fast now. Im so into it and i just want her to run away from this toxic relationship and take care of herself first like i know she loves jimin to the core but she is more important my heart clenches at every exquisite word you writE THANK YOU SO MUCH

Anonymous said:The story is really great I love how original your writing is I don't even see the characters as Jm an jk Which allows me to see how disgusting they all let themselves be treated in the relationship, a lot of the times I feel like readers are blinded by the image of an idol it changes their perspective honestly even if it was just one person who was lying about loving the other it would still be just as horrible I'm really curious as to what's even going on and how you are going to continue it❤️

ahmie-cat said:I feel so sad for the oc in equilibrium. Jungkook don't own nobody! How dare he claim ownership on the oc! I will fight him any day! I'll fight for the oc's freedom rights. Lols, just kidding... But really all of the characters are so sad...

Anonymous said:Honestly in the earlier chapters i really liked Jungkook but now hes just scaring me. The way the OC reacts to all his actions is so relatable thats exaclty how I would feel in her situation. This is crazy I dont even know how this fic would end I love it so much

Anonymous said:I was the anon who recommended you watch wfkbj and I'm so glad you like it!! :) ALSO the latest chapter of equilibrium was so good oh my god;; it's just ramping up like tenfold and while I was reading it sometimes I just had to stop and take a breather bc of all the tension lol. Honestly I don't even know how the oc is dealing with jungkook rn bc his behavior would chill me to the very bone I would have to get out !!! Anyways as always thank you for updating <3 it was great as usual 😘

Anonymous said:ah goodness, it was autocorrect that changed jungkook to jongkook! maybe next time i'll just use jinglebook to refer to him instead thens ahahahah. "goodness gracious, jinglebook is hella possessive that i'm actually really scared for y/n :s"

Anonymous said:GIRL THANK YOU FOR UPDATING OMG IM SHAKING IN MY CHANKLAS JUNGKOOK IS SO DELUSIONAL AND I WISHED OC WOULDVE BEEN STRAIGHT UP WITH HIM AND LIKE IDK NOT MILK ON HIS CRAZYNESS IM JUST SO ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT SORRY FOR TYPING IN CAPS

Anonymous said:So, uh. Equilibrium Jungkook is fucking terrifying....

Anonymous said:I hope the oc in equilibrium leaves the relationship. It's so unhealthy and I feel like she might develop some type of mental illness or just be very stressed and anxious if she continues the relationship.... It's just a fanfic, but man, i'd hate to be in her position... I feel like crying Lols. Is this what you intended?? Haha.... It's really good so far I'm looking forward to what happens next. I feel like there'll be a good moral to the story. *Fingers crossing.

Anonymous said:Damn wtf jungkook behavior is freaking me out 😳 "you'll regret it" like wtf crazy people say shit like that

Anonymous said:jkzldlzlldz TF IS HAPPENING I'M SO CONFUSED JK IS CRAZY WTF OMG

Anonymous said:the characters in equilibrium seem to have never been in an actual proper relationship so the fact that they seem to have lasted this long is by sheer miracle. It's also probably why their worst aspects are even more apparent like jk's obsessiveness (which btw yikes boy yikesss) they literally all need to walk far far away from each other cause they a mess but I do wonder who's gonna be the first to do it cause it's all so complicated now, sorry for rambling I just love this fic so much!!

Anonymous said:What the ever loving monkey fuck is wrong with Jungkook. See, i was okay with him being jealous of Jimin because that's normal. I was moderately okay with OC agreeing to Jungkook's terms because she wants to stay with Jimin. I AM NOT OKAY with his sociopathic tendencies and how obsessive he's become. I think he's mistaken OCs genuine kindness for romantic interest at one point. And the thing that scares me the most is how Jimin seems to have no idea what's going on right under his nose as well

Anonymous said:Bruhhhh jungkook is legit fucking scary but the story itself is amazing and complex im gonna reread it right now

Anonymous said:Equilibrium is getting really interesting!! I'm kinda worried tht ppl read sentences like "Even a domesticated pet needs a taste of freedom" in context with her just /looking/ at jimin and think 'oh how romantic' tho. In every scene between her and jk u can practically feel her discomfort and fear and his possessiveness and how he's abusing her. I would normally stop reading a fic like tht bc I don't like it when the ppl are written like that bc they are real after all but I'm super hooked (1/2)

Anonymous said:(2/2)now and I am also really curious as to if and how they all are gonna get out of that situation or if jk kills her before they can just bc she takes care of a literally puking-everywhere-bedridden jimin. I'm also curious how Jimin is gonna act towards y/n now that they're alone and if he even noticed the toxic stuff that's happening between her and jk or if he didn't even notice bc jk kept him "happy" (idk how else to put it) so yeah. Keep up the great work!! Have a nice day xx

Anonymous said:GURL YOU NEED TO RUN FAST AND YOU NEED TO RUN FAR. It sucks that Jimin doesn't like OC romantically, but he's just using you to stay with JK. But JK... that shit is gonna hit the roof soon soon and it ain't gonna be pretty @.@

Anonymous said:Hey Lu, thanks for taking the time to update again~ Regarding the story...Jungkook is incredibly terrifying, like I had to step away a few times as I read because I just want the reader to leave so badly. I wish she would just be like "peace out". Everyone should just leave this situation and say "peace out". Even though I know the feelings are so complicated between all of them, it's just such a shit show on fire :( . Well done on setting everything up though. The tension is insane!

Anonymous said:Ugh I honestly want to slap Jungkook so hard. Possessive little shit.. As always your writing is amazing. Thank you for the update.

Anonymous said:OC, JIMINS DICK ISNT WORTH AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP GTFO THAT SITUATION GIRL IM SCREAMING

Anonymous said:JEONS FUCKED IN THE HEAD. HE WAS CUTE AND ALL AT FIRST BUT THEN IDK GIRL, I FEEL SORRY FOR JIMIN AND OC. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS HAPPENING ALL I KNOW IS I LOVE THIS AND I CERTAINLY LOVE YOU! IS HE PSYCHOTIC THO? FEELS LIKE JEON WOULD KILL ANYONE WHO DARE TO TOUCH OC..

mirajoey said:MY GAWDD!! Jeon Jungkook has gone mad😱 i pray for oc's safety

Anonymous said:i am terrified by jungkook's actions and NOTHING in this whole damn world is going to excuse what he is saying and doing in equilibrium. WHERE IS YOONGI DITCH THEM ALL Y/N AND GO FOR YOONGI. and today, i have been going through some really misogynic shit today and it felt so freaking uncomfortable and i was so angry and kind of frightened...i do not know how y/n is able to act like a normal person with jungkook around who is being very possessive and psycho-like

Anonymous said:When I first saw you updated Equilibrium I almost yelled "IMMA BUST MY LEFT NUT" (I was really excited lol) and now I'm lying here in a puddle of emotion really scared for the OC lol. I adore your writing so much, thank you for writing these xx

Anonymous said:JEON YOU CREEP. Man this is all such a disaster BUT I LOVE TO WATCH THE DRAMA UNFOLD. Anyways it was a great chapter and I am so e x c i t e for the next part to start. You da best 😆

Anonymous said:This is what your writing does to people, this is literally the only time I've ever dislike Jungkook that much in a fic. I wanted the OC and Jungkook together, but now I really thing all 3 should go their separate ways. Jungkook's possessiveness is getting too much, it's too obsessive. I feel sorry for her, but at the same time her own fault as well. As for Jimin who knows he may not be as oblivious as we think ?! He is using the OC to get with Jungkook in the first place.

Anonymous said:Equilibrium OC should just pack her fckin' bags there is no happy way out of this one

Anonymous said:(1/3) Right before I read this I watched this British PSA music video about abusive relationships, where a pregnant woman was choked to death by her boyfriend as she was trying to leave him and I feel like these people who romanticize these types of relationships forgot that this actually happens IRL. This happens to real women and men and some of them don't make it out alive. And when they try to defend it by saying "it's just a story, it's not real" it's very real for some people.

Anonymous said:(2/3) And the fact that the OC is having trouble sleeping and feeling this anxiety. And the that Jungkook didn't fell any sympathy/empathy for Jimin while he was ill, it just doesn't sit well with me. And the OC isn't innocent either. So afraid to shatter what's left of the already crumbling illusion she's built up. The need to keep the fantasy of this relationship with Jimin that I'm not sure existed outside of her mind. I really do enjoy this story and how you portray the characters.

Anonymous said:(3/3) The isolated relationships between the three of them is very realistic. I've seen some of my close friends go through similar situations. And it's hard to get out once you're in.Anonymous said:I cant believe anyone in their right mind is sympathizing with Jungkook in Equilibrium?! The way he is with Y/N makes me so uncomfortable, esp with his “You’re all mine” crap and being so “in love” with her when all he wants is to have her under his control even tho he thinks it’s love. Jimin too, the way he’s down to have Y/N in the relationship since JK wants her but she wants Jimin.. also I’m glad ur fanfics exist since they can give some girls a perspective on what’s NOT okay and NOT love

Anonymous said:' And if I find out you let someone else touch what's mine... you'll regret it' - I kept on reading this over and over but each time it makes me cringe more, the fact that he constantly calls her 'mine' is so fucking off, like as a kookier Stan in rl , I felt really bad for jungkook but now I find it so hard, this relationship is taking a big twist that I did not see coming and it's getting abusive real quick.

Anonymous said:(Cont last) I stood firm in my decision. On the last day that we talked, he finally understood why. It was only then he realized his mistakes, only then did he cry & apologize for everything. He tried to convince me to give him a chance but the time for that has already passed. We are officially over. I loved the guy, you know? and deep down, I know there's good in there. But I can't risk my heart and soul anymore. I'm sorry this has gone out of topic, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Anonymous said:(Cont.) When he got mad at me for one minor thing, he will accuse me of cheating and call me demeaning words. Our relationship was always on his terms. I was always the one apologizing & making an effort to make him happy. I paid for all our dates. Just wow, I'm stupid. After a fight early Feb, I got tired of it all. I broke up with him and that process took 7 fucking days in which he tried to convince that my reasoning was wrong and that he was right. My gut feeling was telling me to leave.

Anonymous said:just finished reading ch 11... yikes. like YIKES. oh my, I'm honestly very worried and scared for the oc. reading it actually made me anxious and nervous lol. that relationship is a nightmare oh sweetie no, she needs to leave asap

Anonymous said:(Cont. Part 3) I felt caged. I always had to inform where I was, who I'm with, are there guys going to be at the event I'm going to. If there were guys, he didn't want me to go. I couldn't even get a regular update from him where he was and couldn't check on his phone. As I said, I was being stupid. I tolerated all of his bullshit. When you're in an abusive relationship, you won't realize it immediately. He'll come off sweet and only wanting to protect you and your relationship.

Anonymous said:(Cont. Part 2) to the red flags he showed early in the relationship. He didn't want to me talk to any guy who wasn't a family and asked me to delete all the guys in my Facebook account. Stupid me did so because I believed him when he said that "It's not because I don't trust you, it's because I don't trust the people around you." I stayed loyal to him but he was always paranoid that I was cheating on him. When we broke up, I learned he was talking to lots of girls that's why he was so paranoid.

Anonymous said:I got curious and read Equilibrium. All I can say is whoa! The anxiety and fear that I felt was so visceral; it made me fill ill. I've recently broken up with my ex, who was like that - subtly emotionally and mentally abusive. I am fairly young, naive, and inexperienced in relationships. I had a low self-esteem. Growing up I felt that I was unattractive and no one would like me. He was the first guy to really pursue me and I guess I was so hungry for love and affection that I turned a blind eye

Anonymous said:oc's anxiety is getting worst in equal... 😞 i hope she gets out soon. i agree, SEND IN MAMA JIN! lol kook is getting crazier each chapter i'm getting scared for her well being 😟☹️😦. SHES WORTH MORE THAN THIS CRAZINESS!! 💔 side note, thank you for sticking to it, i know it's not easy. and thank you for updating. i always look forward to your work ❤

withlove-sydney said:Tbh I was worried that this story was gonna take a disturbing turn after jk revealed that he was purposely trying to keep jimin away in chpt 10 and this chapter just confirmed how toxic he is. I agree with that other person tho I'm glad that you're the one writing this because I trust that you won't try to romanticize this at all. My ex was really possessive like jk and its not cute or sexy at all. I ended up so scared of him and when I see similar things in fics it gives me chills...

btsninetyfiveline said:I just want to say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the relationship you're portraying in Equilibrium! It's soooooooo important to have stories that show abuse and possessiveness in an unhealthy light! I'm so tired of these "you looked at another guy for 5 seconds in the club so now I'm gonna take you home and show you who you 'belong' to" narratives. It's so important to address and educate young girls on signs of an emotionally manipulative relationship! 💕

Anonymous said:Hi Lu :) how are you? I love how you put out your stories unexpectedly, its always a pleasant surprise. Chapter 11 is so well-written (like all your work ofc).You set up the suffocating atmosphere perfectly with images and metaphors, like Oc's suffer is so real. I am really concerned about oc's mental health... in this chapter we see that she isn't in a good place and I am scared of what is yet to come. Thank you for your hard work. xo

Anonymous said:After reading chap 11, i feel so bad for the oc. Even reading about jk's possessiveness/threats makes me feel suffocated ;-; Though I'm excited for what's going to happen after he leaves for his trip hmm.... once again thank you for the update, Lu! :-) I'm really loving the pace of the story so far.

anonymouspseudonymous said:There's this anon that said "this ain't your ordinary fic where they all compromise and be happy" and i cannot agree more. Although, even if I get it that people hate JK for being cray, you have to punch Jimin as well hahaha idk man this is fucked

Anonymous said:I'm reading ch11 of equilibrium and the part where she wants to touch jimins face but jungkook has a tight grip on her wrist restricting her from doing so is so symbolic of their relationship and how she wants jimin so badly but jungkook is holding her back from him almost keeping her hostage in a way. Anyways I really enjoyed this part it gave me goosebumps so thank you for sharing your work with us even though you don't have to! You owe us nothing so I appreciate everything you give us💓💞💖💕

Anonymous said:I'm glad you don't tolerate the bullshit that jungkook isnt as bad as the protagnonist. People need to hear that that shit is toxic and manipulative. People are brainwashed into thinking it's romantic and okay. When it's absolutely not. No the protagonist isn't free of fault but she isn't being obsessively creepy.

Anonymous said:I think people tend to gloss over the fact that it IS an obsession (unhealthy and actually rather terrifying) and not actual "love" because they like the idea of someone doing anything to stay with them. But even in wanting to stay with someone, there have to be limits. You shouldn't end up losing yourself to someone if they want you as a person, not as just an object or a way to get what they want. There is a line between devotion and obsession, and people seem to ignore that all too often.

[rennyji]

June 2nd - thoughts and normal tweets

June 2nd tweets...here we go...

I’m nothing like Ashton Kutcher, not even in my own right, especially nowadays.-

-But in my old Twitter days (back in 2012), I’d tweet this following train of thought often. It went along the lines of: Ashton Kutcher is actually famous, “a somebody,” who needs to safeguard his reputation from libel, “and probably has and pays ‘agents’ of his own choosing” to-

-to monitor his likes and reputation. I’m so not Ashton Kutcher in that regard or any regard. Yet I have people “steering my life as a whole.” I did not select them, and I do not even know them. They’ve been doing what they want with a regular nobody’s life for 11+ years. -

-What do you make of that? Why am I not protected by my American citizenship amidst mindless zombies who just see - say it slowly: 11 years of secrets on a massive scale- everything as “cute” or casual. I mean to see this as cute... what kind of a rosy picture are you getting?-

-Do U know what great lengths the orchestrators took 2make me look crazy? The actual things done recently, &over these past 11 years? Where is that famous American altruism? Did they tell people these things? Not going to say it myself at this point, let the orchestrators do it.-

-Do they tell people, that I wrote complaints 2the FBI &that they hijacked my phone calls 2the police or rerouted them? Do they tell people about my run in w/the police at my old house &what they did with me, 4talking about “the situation” with my parents and telling the truth?-

-Do people care to ask? Are the orchestrator waiting for my permission to disclose? I mean, I give the orchestrators permission to disclose their aforementioned misdeeds. In cr*p American psychology, they’re usually concerned about psychological impacts and trauma. -

-These racist f*ks didn’t give a d*mn with me cuz I wasn’t a blonde girl. Sick people on me, I dare you. Im not attached to conveniences of my life through years of meditative practices. Watch, despite that, for who I am during our 1st &actual confrontation/meeting. &my parents?-

-While you’ve been living and continuing with your lives, while giving me a hard time, remember all these things you had me face. To speak in terms of your background, you had an altar server face the police, so don’t dare to judge me for what I say or write. -

-and throughout all these experiences, I was compliant throughout everything-that too for 11 years. It just goes to show you, words usually being the answer, can only do so much. You deal with man-demons, don’t waste time on word

next thing...-

-So on 6/1, I find out a doctor who my family knows, died on the evening of 5/31. She’s Harvard educated-all that work and to only pass away in her 40s. She’s a doctor and her husbands a doctor. They have two small kids, 10 and under. -

-She has the figure of someone, out of this world: like nice face, nice voice, only says nice things, goes out of her way for others, and smiles through everything. God bless her soul. -

-You see it as a privilege to be close with someone with those qualities and wish you could’ve had the opportunity, outside of this situation.-

-Thats 1 woman who dies without seeing me on the other side of theSituation. Life, every second of thought/words/action is a gift thats normally invigorating. But its never long enough. Its in such a world, where 11+ years are taken out of ur life by genuine demons. They smile,-

-may seem altruistic, but the reality is, a normal human being cannot inflict pain on another, for an extended amount of time, without reason, simply for everyone to watch. They are Legion from the Bible, enveloping the masses.

oh and something else -

-I used to think of Americans as world saving altruists, and the setting here, on a good day without crime, to be like heaven with all its people. But in the last 11+ years, there’s something very wrong with the general mindset. -

-It doesn’t seem like the common man is “awake”-May sound like something from The Matrix. Everyone here is so plugged in and lacking in insight. I mean of all people, it was Americans that allowed this situation to fall on another American. -

-Rather than following your heart, your human spirit, you mindlessly/mechanically do what some...people?! ... tell you to do. Christ talks about the flesh and spirit being at war. But here, in America, the country lacks a soul.  The nation’s people lack maturity.-

-How then can I continue to see here, as heaven-like. Live in each second, be conscious of what you do, follow your heart. Some of you hear this or something else, and look to it because it’s “nice sounding” or “tantalizing” based on the subject. -

-But I speak/write to instill it’s meaning, to make a point, for others to learn from. Wake up, live a life of meaning.-

-Don’t do things “for show” as “this situation” relays everything “for show.” Do things cuz it’s right or cuz it matters. Me? From all this? I just want a natural setting as described several times. -

-Relaying accomplishments, possible purchases, or whatever, has nothing to do with the goal set by me. It just builds random hype around a regular guy. -

-The orchestrators go against my whole way of doing things. Im a liberal when it comes to religion, but I go by whats said Biblically with respect to this. Do things good, do things in secret, to please your Heavenly Father who sees what’s secret, and He will reward you. -

-The orchestrators just can’t respect my faith and wishes.

and something that happened the other day...-

-Went down to my basement - the other day-to do one thing, ended up doing 10 different things roaming through the mind, for other things present in life-

-I mean I have a focus now: Working, and working out. Based on those 2 goals, normally I’d ignore other thoughts/ideas to possibly 10 other goals you didn’t consider—hence how a person focuses. -

-(And then there are the thoughts/ideas/whatever cluttering ur mind b/c of orchestrators & the daily problems created & sourced in them, that is also taxing on ur focus-too much upstairs-& thats when every1’s having U explain every word, every action- peace of mind is priceless.-

-at Iona Prep High School, my GPA, weighted, was a 4.2 out of 4.0...at the party school where my parents paid for a private appointment and food delivery, having to only study, I should’ve had at least a 4.0 GPA. -

-Knowing what theyve invested in me, I don’t know why my parents are allowing this 2 happen 2 their son for 11 years. For 11 years, my mother has shown me a worse attitude then usual, minus loving listening or conversation or empathy...this is my world, but back to the point..)-

-But then when you’re in a problem multiplied by a worsening factor against you by 11 years, you think to show other aspects of you. Attending to “the thing”, “ the situation”,”the unknown” is time consuming and expensive. -

-Be it writing away your life or buying your coffee to meet people you’re pretty sure will not talk to you. Truth be told, times 11 years, "the situation" and ur life in it, is all unrewarding. -

-Fills the mind with too many things to do...I mean when you do stuff, you orient your focus accordingly. But with the unknown and its variables, too many things demanding of your focus.

on a related note, but also transitioning to normal tweets  for the day-

-Clear and settle your mind, you slowly but surely, make progress in getting things done, and ultimately get things done...writing such things down can provide a release in normal situations, where everything’s not relayed-like in the Harry Potter series,-

-Dumbledore uses what’s called a “Pensieve” (a bowl of water where thoughts can be transferred to, until needed, or desired, for whatever be the purpose, ultimately clearing the mind...-

-I remember writing that in my first Twitter or the first time I had Twitter, with 16000 followers+...life repeats when no solutions...say the same old things cuz no one listens or likes to follow or hold onto tantalizing cr*p instead...-

on another note, talked to someone the other day and he suggested not to overdo something else...he’s cool, but it makes you wonder in these situations while something else is going on...is it a natural assumption or the result of a picture put in his head by someone else?!-

-(to the orchestrators, I’m as good as a I say I am i.e. I take on and handle multiple kinds of sh*t)...really affects how one sees things I.e. this nonsense...-

-I mean, was talking to this hot girl for months a few years back and couldn’t help but wonder if the correspondence was “for real” or because it was for entertainment...for whatever reason, she never disclosed the truth about "the situation" either...she would talk about issues, and sadly, i couldnt tell if the orchestrators made it up, or if her issues were real...

so a thought on education...Education is not just math and science. It’s about being a thoughtful, well rounded individual. &the beauty of it is, you don’t need a degree for that. Life experience, insight, or something else could do it too. Seeing it as anything less is ur ego.-

-2try 2achieve status of "educated", &then constantly be put in midst of those who are uneducated or who act as such can be frustrating..gotta expand the world..could lead 2meaningful conversations..rather than mechanical/uninterpreted literal understandings/talks of the Bible.-

-the orchestrators, in their childish way of doing things come off as uneducated. may have big degrees to use this kind of tech...but once again, it goes to show "educated" is not just about degrees, its how you use knowledge/experience.

more normal tweets in addition to the previous...-

When you need a dual or triple monitor setup on the go, or say, studying/working at a coffee shop: Try the Mobile Pixels Trio monitor:

https://www.mobilepixels.us/products/trio

Want to keep your coffee drinks oh warm for an extended amount of time? Try the “Ember mug” on Amazon...

https://ember.com/

If u drinkTea, some teas require u 2 boil water&let teaBags sit 4at least 3min. But 4freshly brewed coffee or tea, it takes a while 4the beverage 2be only drinkably warm. Like 20 minutes 2 half anHour. I didn’t want 2wait, so I thought Id give “HyperChiller” a try. $25 on Amazon.

So, I incorporated orangeJuice in2 my mornings, &thought Id invest in something w/comparably less sugar. Found Trop50 from Tropicana. Normal orange juice has 20+ grams of sugar. Trop50? 10 grams. Sucky part is that the Trop50 containers aren’t as big as their biggest containers.-

-Trop50 tastes just as good as the original recipe...you wonder why they got to sell a version with extra sugar that has no added benefit...

If you’re typing something in the Notes app, or I guess wherever on your iPhone, did you know, to undo typing, you just have to shake your iPhone up and down a few times?

If you have the AirPods Max headphones, did you know you cannot turn them off with a button? To conserve battery life and put them in standby, you gotta out them in the small case that it comes with.

[jimdsmith34]

I’m Starting The Cameran Eubanks Is Over Party

Last week onwas the hunting trip and I hope the group has all recovered from their hangovers. I know I am still feeling yesterdays shenanigans, for one. #NeverDrinkingOnASundayAgain #UntilNextSunday

Kathryn calls Whitney to catch up or get coffee. I hope she doesnt hold her breath waiting for that call to get returned. Or did we watch different season threes?

I really did not need this gratuitous scene of Thomas driving around Charleston telling Kenzie about all the buildings his family owns. Like, we get it. Youre rich and powerful.

Naomie and Craig go to a couples therapist. The therapist looks like one of those cool dad types who wears Hawaiian shirts in his off time and says things like “I’m down. I’m hip. Right, guys?”

Craig: Im not saying that Naomie shouldnt question me ever because shes my girlfriend, Im saying she shouldnt be my girlfriend unless shes willing to have a blind and unwavering devotion to everything I say and do.

That’s not alarming at all…

Honestly, Im kind of with Craig on the whole being from the North is not yelling thing, though.

Craigs denying that he called Naomie a moron. This is truly some Donald Trump level of denial. WE HAVE YOU ON TAPE. Can we roll the playback, please? Craig, welcome to your tape.

Landon show sup to some bar and orders herself a shot and a beer. Respect, honestly.

Landons wearing a flannel because shes trying to attract more lumbersexuals. Where they at in Charleston, though? Also, girl, you have a boyfriend AND another older guy you’re trying to seduce. It’s enough.

Austen asks Landon about Drew who is apparently asking Landon if she loves him. Poor guy, he has no idea whats in store for him.

Landon says shes ready to settle down again because her dog is getting old, basically. Sure, thats as good a reason as any.

Shep walks in and says Where theres smoke theres fire, and Landon and Austen are looking very amorous. Cant you just say they look cozy like a normal fucking person? Also, no they do not look amorous. They look like two people having a normal conversation. Just because you use big words doesn’t mean you’re automatically right.

Drink again because Shep described Chelsea as laissez-faire. Just call her laid back, dude. Shes a person, not an economic theory of capitalism. He also thinks that he should be dating Chelsea because they both DGAF but you cant have two people in a relationship who DGAF; thats just a recipe for disaster. SOMEBODY has to give a fuck.

Thomas visits his dad whos approximately 800 years old. He seems to work for the Museum of the Confederacy

Me:

Thomas dad is like back in the good ol days you could get a hot dog for a nickel and a slave for a dime! Those were the days.

Im sorry but Thomass dad needs his own subtitles because I cannot understand this man for shit. He asks his dad for advice and his dads like Buy low, sell high. Thanks, dad, Why didn’t you just tell him plastics? That would have been just as helpful.

Austen and Chelsea are in some American Ninja Warrior wet dream/obstacle course situation. This looks like a bad date youd see in . NEXT!

Theyre betting each other for kisses like this is fucking middle school.

Oh wow, Austen had an older sister who passed away in an accident. Thats terrible. A moment of silence. This shit is sad.

Austens sisters name was Kyle and Chelsea is like OMG Kyle? Thats my brothers name! Bitch, this is not about you.

Patricias got some bougie-ass friend visiting her who literally specifies what type of glass she wants her vodka tonic in. Come on, this is a vodka tonic, not some expensive wine. Its gonna taste the same regardless of the type of stem on the glass.

Patricia is throwing an Indian themed party to celebrate her lily white friend.

Me:

Kathryn goes into Chelseas salon for a hair cut. I smell a set-up.

Kathryn: Shep told me you were a great stylist, aka the producers are making me come here.

Kathryn: Money doesnt grow on trees spoken by the lady whos trying out modeling instead of getting a real job to support her two infant children.

JD goes over to Thomas house (or office, I cant tell, fuck it) and Thomas is like I heard Kathryn and Elizabeth are hanging out. Like, no shit, they are friends? Thomas brings up Kathryns letter and this shit is long. Like 18 pages front and back long. I’m not recapping the contents of the letter because I fell asleep.

Kathryn: If I were to see Thomas Id just want to give him a big hug.

Ive never heard that synonym for punch to the face before.

Kathryn: Thats the thing with Thomas. Hes such an asshole but hes a good person.

Me trying to figure out how that makes any sense at all:

Patricia and her friend are wearing matching dog caftans. I have no comment. I mean, my grandma (may she rest in peace) used to wear 90s windbreaker tracksuit outfits well into the 2000s, so we all have our things.

Craig and Naomie are getting ready for the party and Craig is like Therapy was great, clearly the lesson we learned was please be nice to me tonight and dont treat me like shit. Real productive session.

Landon shows up to this party alone, so I guess Drew or whatever his name is is officially over.

Patricia is explaining how to eat curry, i.e. you take the rice and you put the curry on top of the rice. Cameron says Oh snap! What, putting shit on top of rice is too much for you to handle, Cam?

Cameran would be sucking up to this lady for not letting people curse at the dinner table. Bitch, please. You asked Shep last week of Chelsea gave him a hard-on. Just because you used the word “weiner” instead of “dick” doesn’t make you a saint. Please drop the Holier Than Thou act.

Patricia brings an Indian healer aka a lady whos gonna bring everyone up into the hot seat and make unfounded speculations about each of them. Can’t wait:

SHEP HAS NO CHILL. Craig goes up there and hes like Will Craig ever admit law isnt his true passion?

Healer lady: No, because law is his true passion.

Boom, roasted by the Indian healer!

Craig asks the healer about his connection with Naomie and the healer calls them soulmates. Naomies face is like fuck you, fuck you fuck you. This is her facial expression:

Kind of an odd reaction to hearing you and your current boyfriend are going to be together forever.

I wonder how much the producers paid this Indian healer to tell Landon that she has a soulmate in this room.

Whitney is bringing up Kathryns sobriety to the healer, aka a woman who doesn’t even know Kathryn, which seems highly inappropriate. What wont these producers do for ratings?

Craig: As a completely objective third party with no personal interest in the matter, I think what Kathryns doing is fine and she should be allowed to apologize.

Cam: Im sick of this, stay out of it!

^Says the woman whos constantly all up in everybodys business.

Honestly, this high society lady getting morally offended by the word fuck needs to fuck off. Come the fuck on, bitch, You were alive when abortions werent legal and youre gonna act like you cant stand hearing the word fuck? One more time because I’m petty: FUCK!!!!

Im truly over Cameran. Im starting the Cameran is over party. Tryna talk about We need to stay out of Thomas and Kathryns business when she stirs up everybodys business. Girl, bye. 

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/19/im-starting-the-cameran-eubanks-is-over-party/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/07/im-starting-cameran-eubanks-is-over.html