#if someone is curious send me an ask and ill draft it up later down the line

[whumpitisthen]

Next chapter of Auden's story is written!!!! Once i edit it you will get to see just how powerful His Majesty is, a tiny bit of how humanity survives through literal Hell

and a little bit of Grim being a nuisance, as per usual, because he is important to me and a bastard

We'll get back to Auden after this it's kinda weird how it's his story and he hasn't been here for two chapters............ Dont you worry the angel boi will continue being harmed and traumatised :3 i just had to introduce our whumpers properly

[luckhound]

— heavy burdens.

pairing.  kaeya/gender neutral reader

genre.  angst

description.  on an important anniversary, kaeya gets drunk off his ass, bonds with a fellow captain, and realizes some burdens can’t ever be set back down.

warnings.  spoilers for kaeya and diluc’s character stories. mentions of alcohol and a character (kaeya) being under the influence.

note.  four months later and i’ve finally finished this fic after writing it on and off for that whole time mskfjdks a big thank you to sierra, miya, and grace for reading over the previous drafts of this and giving me their honest thoughts, love you ladies <3

He hadn’t expected to get shitfaced when he had first stepped foot in the tavern. Honest.

His plan for the evening was as follows: Go to Angel’s Share, chat with patrons, share some laughs, learn some secrets, and see where the night goes. Only the information he gleaned would tell how it ended; with him stumbling back to his quarters for a night’s rest, or ruminating on how to dismantle schemes that enemies of Mondstadt were concocting in the shadows.

So, the usual. Nothing too noteworthy.

Then he happened to overhear a conversation on the way there.

The two civilians spoke in low, somber tones about how it has been exactly one year since Master Crepus’s death and his son Diluc’s subsequent departure from Mondstadt. How terrible, they mused as they shook their heads, that the new winery master hasn’t been heard from since. He must still be in mourning over his father.

Kaeya nearly stopped in the middle of the crowded street. Was today really the one-year anniversary of Master Crepus’s death? How had it managed to slip his mind? He’s been busy lately with a promising lead, true, but to think that he would forget...

Which, long story cut ruthlessly short, leads him to where he is now. Tuning out his tumultuous thoughts with the help of alcohol and secrets.

Upon entering the tavern to raucous cheers, he had flitted from table to table like the social butterfly he's purported to be. The usual suspects greeted him with varying levels of warmth, inviting him to sit and keep them company. Stable hands and bandits alike shared a drink with him, words spilling from their lips like the fine wine they supped on.

After some time, though, he grew tired of their monotonous days and banal gripes. So he retreated to the bar counter. As he nursed a Death After Noon, he kept an ear out, listening carefully even as he chatted with Charles between customers.

Unfortunately, he hasn’t heard anything juicy yet. So and so is complaining about his wife, while someone else is haranguing her boss, and another is celebrating their birthday. Dull and uninteresting.

Can you blame him for getting so deep in his cups? There’s nothing else to do on such a slow night.

“So this is where you decided to hide out. Colour me surprised.”

Kaeya notes the shadow falling over the counter moments before a familiar drawl reaches his ears. He tilts his head up, blinking furiously when his vision blurs. The drinks he's downed thus far—how many has it been? He lost count after five, how unlike him—have certainly reached his bloodstream.

You stand beside his stool, your lips thinned into an unimpressed line. Despite how inebriated he is, the relevant information he has on you flashes through his mind. A Knight of Favonius. Captain of the Intelligence Team. Once a company grade officer, then sergeant, lieutenant, before ascending to captain upon the retirement of your superior.

As admired as he is by most of Mondstadt, you’re among the minority who are far from his biggest fans. For good reason, he supposes. During your first meeting, he had congratulated you on your promotion, before going on to flippantly insult your old captain. You’ve hated him ever since.

Which is why he’s puzzled by you approaching him first—outside of headquarters, at that. Such a phenomenon is rare, like catching a crystalfly in your hands.

“Captain! Fancy seeing you here,” he greets, adopting a jovial tone. Then your words register in his addled mind. “‘Hide out’, you said? Whatever would I do that for?”

You prop a hand on your hip. “You didn’t make an appearance at the meeting today. Needless to say, the Dandelion Knight isn’t too impressed with you at the moment.” You appraise him, looking underwhelmed by what you see. Ouch. “Strange. You don’t seem terribly ill to me.”

Ah. That. Kaeya had wanted to investigate some curious rumours he’d heard around the city, so he made up a flimsy excuse to dodge the captain’s meeting held this morning. Grand Master Varka likely hadn’t batted an eye over it, but not Jean. She’ll have concerns.

He hums noncommittally. The thought of annoying his oldest ally never fails to bring a smirk to his lips, but he isn’t quite in the mood right now. “Is that so. You must be here to sternly tell me to clean up my act then.”

You scoff. “Surely you don’t need a second babysitter. No, I’m off-duty, so I’m here for the same reason everyone else is: to drink.”

“Hear, hear.” He lifts his tankard as if to toast to you, but the sudden momentum causes him to sway dangerously in his seat.

“Careful!” Eyes widening in alarm, you reach out to steady him. “Geez, Alberich. How many drinks have you had?”

The palm of your hand is warm where it sits on his shoulder; he can tell that even with his furs in the way. He almost leans into the touch but catches himself at the last second. How mortifying. He can just picture your horrified reaction to him drunkenly nuzzling up against you.

Almost falling off his seat in a crowded tavern, instinctively seeking out your slightest touch... He needs to get a hold of himself. Or find a way to halt the conversation here, so he can resume drinking by his lonesome.

“Not nearly enough,” he answers airily, leaning an elbow on the bar counter. You drop your hand to your side; he makes a point to not stare at it as you do. “Where’s your entourage? I’m surprised they aren't following dutifully behind you.”

“They’re my subordinates, not my entourage.” You shift awkwardly. “And they aren’t here. It may surprise you, but they have lives outside of the Intelligence Team. They can enjoy one evening without their captain breathing down their necks.”

He eyes you in amusement. “In that case, you should join me. I would welcome the company.” He finishes off his tankard, then motions to Charles for another drink. The bartender doesn’t even ask which one as he takes the pewter mug. He knows him well by now, after all.

Kaeya expects you to turn him down and find a seat elsewhere. Usually, such an invitation is enough to send you running for the hills. You lean a hip against the counter instead, as if settling in. “If I am not mistaken, you’re needed at headquarters tomorrow. I strongly advise you to call it a night, Captain.”

“Aww, are you worried about me, Captain?” He manages a grin at the scowl his reply elicits. “Don’t be. It won’t be the first time I stumble into work hungover. Certainly won’t be the last either.”

“How reassuring,” you say dryly.

“I aim to please.”

He perks up when Charles returns with a full tankard. The delectable taste of Death After Noon still sits on his tongue, warm and heady. He very much wants to experience it again. When he lifts the mug to his mouth, however, he misses the rim. He steadies the tankard before it empties itself onto his lap, but some of the wine drips down his chin, ruining his vest.

Thank goodness he isn’t drinking red wine. Every adult in Mondstadt knows red wine stains are notoriously difficult to clean. Still, what a waste of a perfectly good sip.

“Oh, for Barbatos’s sake.” That’s all the warning he gets before his drink is rudely snatched from his hand. He protests but can only watch helplessly as you bring it to your lips.

Then you proceed to down it.

His brows raise higher and higher the longer your throat bobs. He's never seen you drink with such gusto before. Shouldn’t you be gasping for breath by now? But no, you empty the tankard in a single go, then slam it on the counter (Charles makes a face, but wisely says nothing) and meet his gaze without flinching.

Wow, is all that his intoxicated mind can conjure up at the feat.

“There, all done. Now let’s go. I am walking you back.” Your voice is firm, brooking no argument. How captain-like of you. “Wouldn’t want Mondstadt’s illustrious Cavalry Captain to be found passed out in an alleyway tomorrow.”

On any other day, he’d be mildly irked by your stubbornness. But he did just spill his drink down his front like a newborn babe. No wonder you brought up his rank. In your eyes, his conduct must not befit that of a high-ranking knight. He doesn’t care what assumptions people form about him, never has, but tonight has been a bust anyway. Maybe it's best to call it quits.

Sighing theatrically, he rises to his feet. “All right, I know when I have been beaten. But don’t change your plans on my account. I can head to the barracks by myself just fine.”

“I’m sure you can,” you say, “but letting you walk alone this late in your state would grate at my conscience. So would you stop talking for once, and let me take you home?”

You get what you want. Your words render him silent.

Home, you called the barracks. He supposes you consider that place your home. But is it his, truly?

He thinks of Khaenri’ah, nothing but a distant, bloody memory. He thinks of his father, and how in their final moments together, the man had stared through him like he wasn’t there. He thinks of the Dawn Winery, where he had spent several years causing mayhem. He thinks of Master Crepus, never dad, and a brother who doesn’t exist anymore.

No, the barracks aren’t his home. Maybe he’s never had one to begin with.

When he comes to, Kaeya registers you leading him in the direction of the tavern door, your hand on his shoulder blade. This quickly catches the attention of the patrons. They call out their goodbyes, some raising their tankards and others chuckling good-naturedly.

“Look at that! Our Cavalry Cap’n had too much to drink, eh?”

“What, are you tapping out already, Captain Kaeya?”

“Has to be escorted out by a fellow knight, no less!”

You wave over your shoulder. “Just doing my patriotic duty, that's all.”

Kaeya gives his audience an exaggerated wink (as well as he can with his one uncovered eye) followed by a lazy hand salute. His grin remains fixed in place until the door swings shut. The wooden barrier barely muffles the sounds of conversation and merriment coming from within.

Had it been that loud while he was inside? He hadn’t noticed.

He isn’t able to dwell on it for long, because you nudge him in the direction of headquarters. “Come on. We have a bit of a walk ahead of us. Let’s get to it.”

“Oh, very well. But only because you asked so nicely.”

“I wasn’t asking.”

“I know. I was being sarcastic.”

You nudge him harder, and he snickers under his breath as he walks.

This time of night, the cobblestone streets seem devoid of life. With the exception of Patton, who’s practically asleep standing up, the two of you don’t run into anyone. It's a stark change from how the city usually is, bright and bustling with crowds.

It suits him just fine, though. The crisp night air is sobering him up somewhat, the fog that had settled over his mind thinning. All too soon, he recalls everything he was trying to suppress.

Master Crepus. Diluc. His callousness and cruelty in forgetting them both.

In hindsight, he should have taken his mug back from you instead of just gaping like a fool. Sobriety is such a drag.

“You’re quiet,” you comment. You’re staring at him intently, your expression eerily similar to Timaeus’s when he is observing an alchemical reaction. It’s as if he is a specimen that you are keen on studying under a microscope.

He wants to scowl, to snap at you. “My apologies,” he says instead, as innocent as can be. “Were you waiting for me to strike up a conversation? Hold on a moment, let me think of a good topic...”

“That is not what I meant and you know it. It’s just, usually it’s impossible to get you to stop talking. The times I have seen you...indisposed”—buzzed as a bee, you undoubtedly mean—“that doesn’t change. You talk more, if anything.”

Curiously, your voice softens, an odd cadence colouring it. One he has not heard from you before, not directed at him at least. “I guess I’m just wondering if something is weighing on your mind. Is that what prompted you to drink so much tonight?”

By now, the two of you have walked down the stairway to the Knights of Favonius’s bulletin board. Of course, Hertha isn’t there this late to assign requests and bounties. The pieces of parchment pinned to the board flutter in the breeze. He stares at the sketch of a Ruin Guard, willing his sluggish mind to craft a suitable answer.

After a beat, his eye slides over to you. An impish grin curls at the corners of his mouth. “My, I had no idea that you watched my every move so closely. I’m flattered by the attention.”

Predictably, you sputter. “What even—that is not—you know what, if you want to dodge the question so badly, fine. We can just walk the rest of the way in silence.”

“As you wish, Captain.”

Although his words were said to fluster you into changing the subject, as you had correctly deduced, Kaeya means them. You have noticed him far more than he realized. As Captain of the Intelligence Team, it’s your job to be observant and keep tabs on others. He knows that. Still, it’s disconcerting to learn that you’ve had a close eye on him in particular.

He operates from the shadows for a reason; he can’t have you jeopardizing that by shining a light on him. Five months into your new position, and already you have proven yourself to be dangerous.

As you wished for, silence reigns as the two of you turn into an alley and approach two flights of stairs, leading to the center of the city. Kaeya resists pressing a hand against the nearest wall for balance. He had walked down a stairway unaided just moments ago, despite how unsteady he felt. Surely ascending some steps would prove to be easier.

Rather than focus on his feet, he looks up ahead. From his position, he can just barely glimpse the blades of a windmill, ever-turning against the dark backdrop of the night sky. He keeps his gaze there as he climbs, his boots scraping against stone.

He clears the first flight of stairs with little issue. See? Nothing to it.

Halfway up the second, Kaeya stumbles.

His surroundings tilt, blurring as he fumbles for balance. It’s a futile effort. Thanks to how inebriated he is, his limbs are too heavy and uncoordinated. The stone below rushes up to meet him.

Before his face can greet it, however, you catch him.

Your side moulds against his, a hand clasping his hip while the other carefully grasps at his spiked pauldron. His gloved hand covers yours reflexively as his racing heartbeat settles. He feels you stiffen at the touch, but you don't pull away. Neither does he.

For a moment, not a word is spoken between you both. The alley is filled only with the soft sound of breathing.

Then you click your tongue. “So much for heading back by yourself. You can barely keep your feet under you.” Your voice lilts with humour.

He knows this song and dance. It has been ingrained in him after all these months. You snark at him, he snarks back. Rinse and repeat. Although this is the first time he has heard levity in your tone; the first time it has been aimed at him, that is. He almost hadn’t thought you capable of it.

He straightens with a chuckle. “First at the tavern, and now in an alley. I just keep falling for you tonight, don’t I?”

You blink owlishly. It takes a moment for the words to sink in. Then a flustered expression crosses your features, before you compose yourself. “You are unbelievable.”

He grins. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

You roll your eyes, even as the corners of your lips twitch. “You would.”

Kaeya expects you to move away, so the two of you can resume walking, but you don’t. “Not that I mind having your hands on me, but...will you be letting go any time soon?”

“That depends.” A challenging glint appears in your eye. “Can you handle walking on your own? Or do you need me to cradle you the rest of the way to headquarters, like some damsel?”

He guffaws, taken off-guard by the retort. A reply escapes his loosened tongue before he can think better of it, “Archons, that sounded just like him.”

“Like who?”

“My brother.”

In the past, despite being underage, he was sometimes able to charm bartenders at Angel’s Share—new hires unaware of how to deal with him as of yet—into serving him drinks. Diluc would find him eventually, a disapproving twist to his mouth, and put a stop to it.

Back then, Kaeya was a lightweight and had to be supported back to headquarters. Diluc would scowl and roll his eyes the entire way, but there was still a softness in his gaze. His hands were strong, but careful; Kaeya knew that his brother would not let him fall. He could even be persuaded to join in when Kaeya began to sing, their off-key voices disturbing the silence of the night.

Come morning, while Kaeya nursed the inevitable headache and Jean nagged him about violating the Knights of Favonius Handbook, Diluc would snort. “Serves you right,” he’d say, then hand him a draught for curing hangovers.

Now Kaeya must weather the pain alone.

You tilt your head to the side, your gaze fixed on his. “I had no idea that you have a brother,” you say softly.

Had, he nearly corrects. But he has told you too much already.

This is why he is so careful when drinking in the company of others. Alcohol is a double-edged sword; as delectable as it is, it also loosens inhibitions. It’s what he relies on when charming information out of allies and adversaries alike, none of them the wiser of what they have given up.

How the tables have turned.

“Well, now you do.” A trace of bitterness enters his tone.

You eye him, quiet, before pulling back. You motion forward with your chin. “Let’s keep moving. We’ll never make it to headquarters at this pace.”

Relieved by the subject change, he listens. He makes a conscious effort to place one foot in front of the other, gaze trained on the remaining steps below. You stay at his side, closer than you were before. He can feel your hand hovering at the small of his back, ready to catch him should he trip once more, but he ignores it.

It won’t happen again. He’ll make sure of it.

The alley opens up to a view of the market district. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have long to enjoy the reprieve. The two of you turn right, away from the railing overlooking the main square, to climb two more flights of stairs. A left, and more stairways await.

By the time the Knights of Favonius Headquarters looms above you, Kaeya’s legs ache from the walk. He is very much looking forward to retiring to his quarters.

The knights stationed outside stiffen at the sight of you and Kaeya, standing at attention. They perform a salute in perfect unison. Do they rehearse that before every shift? Surely they must.

The guard on the left, with the glasses and unfortunate haircut, chirps, “Good evening, Captains! I hope you are doing well.” He appears wide awake despite the late hour.

At least the one on the right looks appropriately haggard. “Welcome back,” he grunts.

While Kaeya brushes past them with a nod of acknowledgement, eager to head inside, you stop. “Good evening, Athos, Porthos. Your shift ends soon, I hope? It can’t be terribly interesting, standing watch outside headquarters so late.”

“It’s no trouble at all, Captain!” Athos, as you had referred to him, says. “Guard duty may not be glamorous, but it is still important.”

“Much as I agree with the lad, I can’t bring myself to be so damn cheerful about it,” Porthos sighs, his words tinged with self-deprecation. “Must be ‘cause of these old bones.”

“That’s not true, Sir Porthos. Your bones aren’t that old!” the younger knight argues, prompting the older to shake his head with a chuckle.

“Athos isn’t wrong,” you add. “You are far more sprightly than most knights I know.”

“If that’s true, then Mondstadt is in trouble.”

Smiling and shaking your head, you finally pass by them, climbing the short steps to return to Kaeya's side. He lifts a brow as he pulls on one of the large oak doors, holding it open for you.

It’s almost comical how quickly your smile disappears. Your eyes narrow as you enter inside. “What’s that look for?”

“Nothing,” he says breezily, following after you. The door falls closed behind you both with a loud, echoing thud. “Just that I didn’t know you were so chummy with the guards.”

It is blindingly bright inside the Knights of Favonius Headquarters, as if it isn’t nearing midnight. The sconces on the walls are lit up, as is the chandelier hanging in the center of the main hall. The two of you make your way towards the—joy of all joys—staircase. The barracks for knights are located on the second floor, and on the floor above that, separate quarters for the captains.

“I am off-duty right now. It’s not unprofessional for me to speak informally with them.”

His eye widens. “Why, I never said it was unprofessional, Captain.”

You grind your teeth so hard he can practically hear the enamel wearing away. “You implied it.” No, he didn’t. Your distaste for him has you imagining mockery where there is none. As if Kaeya has any room to judge someone for acting unprofessional.

“I did? That’s news to me.” Privately, he marvels at how easily he can agitate you. Him, no one else—he has observed you long enough to know your prickliness is reserved for him alone. Maybe that’s why he annoys you further instead of clearing up the many miscommunications that tend to occur. Not that you’ll believe him, even if he’s being completely honest.

You huff. “How the Dandelion Knight manages to put up with you, I’ll never know,” you mutter.

“How rude, Captain! Jean doesn’t put up with me, she considers me indispensable.”

You cut a look at him. “Yes, I’m sure she thought the same when you failed to show up to today’s meeting.”

“Must you bring that up again? I shudder just thinking of the lecture she’ll have ready for me in the morning. Perhaps my mysterious ailment should plague me for a little while longer...”

“Prolonging the inevitable will do you no favours.” You pause briefly, then add, “Ah, I almost forgot to mention. After the meeting, I ran into Inspector Eroch. He was waiting outside and asked after you. He seemed irked when I informed him that you were absent today.”

If Kaeya was not so skilled at masking his reactions, he would’ve perked up at that. He might have even stopped in his tracks or whipped his head around to look at you. But he knows better than to give himself away so obviously. He leisurely climbs the steps, his features revealing only vague interest. “Oh? Somehow I doubt he was upset out of concern for my wellbeing.”

You glance over. “I wouldn’t know. He did not say anything when I asked why he wanted to see you, or if I could pass on a message. He just brushed me off and left.”

“Don’t be hurt by his shameful conduct, Captain. I for one enjoy your company immensely.”

You ignore his thoughtful statement. “I thought that he might have had a prior engagement with you, which you missed due to being terribly ill.”

He shrugs. “If we did, I don’t recall it.”

That earns him another look, longer than the one before. He doesn’t flinch away from it, his expression remaining serene. Privately, he wonders what you know. Are you merely intrigued by what Inspector Eroch might want with him? Or are you more aware than you’re letting on?

After all, Eroch is the one Kaeya has been secretly investigating for the past year.

Looks like the inspector has caught on. About time. No doubt he wants to figure out just how much Kaeya knows—which is not much, unfortunately. He knows that Eroch has more than just Mondstadt’s best interests in mind; a Fatui spy like him would have just the opposite. But he is unsure what the man is up to, or who he even is.

He does, however, have an inkling. Several, even.

Inspector Eroch had been insistent on covering up the details of Master Crepus’s death. For the good of Mondstadt, he claimed, not wanting the citizenry to lose faith in the Knights of Favonius. Grand Master Varka had ultimately sided with him. It resulted in Diluc resigning his position and leaving the city a year ago.

Kaeya had kept an eye on the inspector after that. He knew there was more to the situation than just preserving Mondstadt’s trust in the Knights, and it had everything to do with the dangerous and evil power Master Crepus had harnessed. It was only a matter of figuring out what. And once he has all of the information...

Well, he knows what Diluc would do, once upon a time. Blazing with righteous fury, he’d take his findings to Grand Master Varka, insisting on Eroch’s arrest and expulsion from the Knights of Favonius. He would see it as retribution for how poorly his father’s death had been handled.

But Kaeya suffers from no delusions. Maybe he looked into Eroch because of Master Crepus. Maybe he wanted some kind of revenge for what happened. Maybe he yearned to atone for his past inaction. None of that means he has any heroic intentions.

If it serves his interests better, he won’t expose the inspector immediately. He will hoard his knowledge instead, keeping his cards close to his chest until it’s the right time to play them.

That is how he has always operated. Master Crepus's death and Diluc's departure have not changed that. For a brief, nonsensical moment, he wishes they had. Then common sense returns to him. A foolhardy sense of justice is of no use to him. He’ll leave that to Diluc.

While he extricates himself from his wayward thoughts, you turn away to clear the last few steps. “If it is important, surely he will try to approach you again,” you say.

“I look forward to it with bated breath.”

You scoff, rightfully skeptical, but don’t respond. Clearly, you are content to leave it at that.

He wonders at how easily you let the subject drop. Had you suspected something, you would have pushed to learn more, wouldn’t you? Now is as opportune a time as any; it’s late, he’s tired and drunk, and the both of you are alone. Does that make you oblivious, or an idiot, or crafty?

Having made it to the third floor, the two of you make your way down the hallway. His quarters are before your own, three doors on the left. He stops in front of his door, reaching into one of many hidden coat pockets to produce his key.

He glances at you. You have yet to leave for own your room. “You don’t have to hover at my side, you know,” he says with a touch of amusement. “I may be tipsy, but I am no longer in any danger of being harassed by ruffians or passing out in the streets. Unless you're secretly harbouring nefarious intentions towards me, Captain.”

“You’ll just have to wait and find out,” is your unruffled response.

Chuckling under his breath, he unlocks his door and lets it swing open wide. It’s dark inside, faint moonlight shining through the small window above his desk. Coupled with the sconces out in the hallway, however, there is enough light for him to stumble to his bedside without stubbing a single toe. He doesn’t bother to close the door on you; he has nothing to hide.

Kaeya knows what his quarters must look like to a stranger. They’re a mess, as if someone had searched them in a haste and not bothered to clean up afterward. The walls are bare, save for a map of Mondstadt that he’d hung up ages ago. Tomes of all sizes and loose leaves of parchment litter his oak desk, pushed up against a wall. A quill lies abandoned atop a half-finished note with ink drying on its nib. His closet door is cracked open, a discarded boot dissuading anyone from forcing it shut.

Yes, his quarters are a mess. But he knows exactly where everything is. Should someone actually attempt to search his things, he would know immediately. Not that they would find anything particularly damning. He isn’t foolish enough to leave important documents or sensitive information lying about—nothing he is unwilling to part with, anyway.

“Horrifying, but unsurprising,” he hears you mutter to yourself.

Kaeya doesn’t even consider slipping out of his ruined clothes or engaging you in further conversation. Now that he has made it back to his quarters, all he can think about is the sweet embrace of sleep. He sinks into his unmade bed, draping an arm over his face.

You continue to linger in the doorway. “You should change before you fall asleep.”

“Mhm.”

“You'll regret not doing so in the morning.”

“Uh-huh.” He still doesn’t move.

“Alberich. You stink of booze.”

“You sure know how to compliment a guy, Captain. I’m impressed.”

You sigh, long and loud. He waits to hear the door close behind you, only for you to walk up to his bedside. Your steps are slow, hesitant yet purposeful. He stiffens, immediately on-guard, but fights his instincts in order to remain still. What are you planning?

He feels you grip his boot. Metal jingles as you undo the buckle. Then you pry it off.

He lifts his arm to peer up at you. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” You set his boot on the ground, then move on to the other one. “If you won’t change, you should at least take off your shoes. You’ll dirty your sheets otherwise.”

Oh, you make it so easy for him to twist everything you say into an innuendo. For once he resists the urge. “You forgot something,” he says instead. He wiggles his sock-clad foot at you. Just to see if you will do it.

You grimace, swatting his leg away. “Absolutely not. I don’t want to be anywhere near those.”

So you say. But you’re taking his boots off for him out of your own volition. There is no need for you to do any of this. It’s not your duty to stop him from drinking himself into a stupor, or walk him back to headquarters unharmed, or all but tuck him into bed. Yet here you are.

What is it that you want? There have been plenty of opportunities for you to try and take advantage of his drunken state, but you have sidestepped every one. Frustration brews in his sternum.

“Do you do this for everyone who you hate?” he finds himself asking, tone purposely lighthearted.

You pause in your ministrations to stare at him. “What? I don't hate you.” At his disbelieving look, you insist, “I don’t. You have always been a pain to deal with, sure, but I never once felt that way.”

He smiles, unconvinced. “Not even when I insulted your dear old captain?”

“Insulted my... That was months ago, when we first met.” Despite your bewilderment, you take a moment to contemplate his question. “I was upset with you, yes. But now that I’ve had this position for some time...maybe your assessment wasn’t off. When I was lieutenant, I didn’t always see eye-to-eye with my captain. They were too set in their ways and scorned most criticism. I respected them, and still do, but I shouldn’t be ignorant of their faults.”

Your gaze meets his once more. “In a way, what you said that day led me to realize that. You weren’t badmouthing my captain; you didn’t have a vendetta or want to get a rise out of me. At least, I don’t think you did. You must have legitimate issues with their leadership, as a captain yourself.”

He watches you shrewdly. Your tone was even, your expression clear. He cannot detect any deception from you. Of course, that means little. Still, perhaps you’re telling the truth. Perhaps you don’t hate him after all.

A headache, newly formed, pounds at his temple. If he were more sober, he would be better equipped to handle such a revelation. He’ll have to come to a proper conclusion later.

You fiddle with the buckle on his remaining boot. “And what about you?”

“Hmm? What about me?”

“You have ample reason to look down on me. Most of the knights know that you aren’t just Cavalry Captain and Quartermaster. Your role is more important than that. Surely you would make a better...” you trail off, your jaw working silently.

Kaeya knows how that sentence ends. Surely you would make a better Captain of the Intelligence Team than me. It doesn’t come as a surprise.

Up until now, he thought he knew you well. You made it no secret you loathed him. You have never said so explicitly, but he has a talent for reading people. It’s a classic case of envy. He has seen it many times before. You compare yourself to him and find yourself wanting. It colours the way you interact with him; your words brusque, your gaze narrowed.

Not only did he insult your captain, but you consider him more capable than you. Your hatred makes sense. It’s predictable.

Or so he believed, until tonight.

“You know what, never mind. Forget I asked.” Uh-oh. Seems he took too long to respond. You busy yourself with unbuckling his boot, avoiding his eye.

If he were to be honest, there are many ways he could answer you. He thinks you are a better captain than your superior could ever hope to have been. He thinks you are a leader capable of inspiring undying loyalty in your officers. He thinks you have a deep, unflinching love for Mondstadt and its people. He thinks you constantly push yourself to greater heights, to the point it lights a fire in him as well.

He admits to none of those things, in the end.

“Give yourself some credit, Captain,” he murmurs. You glance over in surprise. He meets your gaze. For perhaps the first time in a while, he hopes his words sound sincere—not because he doesn’t mean them, but because he does. “I know the officers under your supervision think you’re a good leader. They wouldn’t want anyone else to take your place.” Certainly not someone like me.

Instead of reassuring you, however, his answer seems to do the opposite. You look frustrated. “That isn’t what I...” you trail off. You search his features, silent, before your brow furrows. “I can’t tell if you mean what you just said. Sometimes I’m not sure I ever can.”

He takes care not to allow his features to visibly harden. Of course you would doubt him, the one time he tries to be honest with you. What else did he expect? Maybe you don't hate him, maybe you never have, but that means little. You won’t ever fully trust him. To be fair, the feeling is mutual.

His mouth tastes unbearably bitter. It must be the wine.

“At this point, I’m willing to say just about anything if it’ll mean I can get some shut-eye.” He feels no satisfaction upon seeing your shoulders stiffen. He still manages to grin. “Well, Captain? Any other requests?”

“No,” you say. Then you tug off his boot with a brisk motion.

He stifles a yelp. “Hey, now! No need to be so rough.”

“My sincere apologies.” You set the boot down next to his other one, your lips thinned. “I should go. Wouldn’t want you to lose more sleep than you already have. You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow, after all.”

Talk about vindictive. Despite his irritation, he has to fight a smile. Knowing you, you’ll see it and take it the wrong way, as you usually do.

Having finished removing his boots, you turn and walk for the door without another word.

He’s struck with the odd urge to stop you. To reach out, take your hand in his, and tug you back. Not because he wants something from you, or needs to tell you something. He wishes you would stay a little longer, that’s all. Wants the silence to be filled by your voice instead of his thoughts.

Now he knows he’s had too much to drink. He’s contemplating such ridiculous things.

Before his addled mind can catch up and he can say something, apologize perhaps, you shut the door behind you. Your footsteps travel down the hallway, slightly hurried. The door to your quarters creaks open then closed.

He’s too late. It’s for the best.

Kaeya lies back and stares up at the ceiling. His vision swims, as if he’s adrift at sea. Closing his eye only makes it worse.

His mind pores over the events of the day. Investigating Eroch, remembering Master Crepus and Diluc, visiting the tavern, running into you. He feels restless, pulled in several directions at once.

With a harsh exhale, he rises to his feet and locks his door. Then he begins his nightly ritual.

His pauldron is first to go. It hits the floor with a dull noise. Then he peels off his gloves and tosses them on the desk. The burns on his hands have long since healed, but he still deals with numbness now and then. Not many know they even exist; he doesn’t want anyone taking advantage of a potential weakness. His eyepatch follows closely after.

He removes the Cryo Vision from his belt last. He stares at it, its blue glow washing over his scarred palm and turning his skin a sickly brown hue. If it’s been a year since Master Crepus’s death, it has been about a year since he was gifted a Vision as well. The sight of it has been a hard reminder ever since. Of how he’d won a difficult battle. Of how he’d finally revealed the truth. Of how he can never speak it again.

He tucks the Vision under his pillow, then collapses back into bed. An odd sensation fills him, as it does every time he completes this ritual. It’s like he has taken off every scrap of armour he has and foolishly exposed himself to danger, despite being alone in the stillness of his quarters.

Ignoring the uncomfortable feeling, he closes his eyes and waits for sleep to take him under.

It never does.

[pixie88]

Making Amends

Chapter 18 - Always the Bridesmaid.

A/N: I’m going to try and start editing and publishing 2 chapters a week (Next will be out Thursday as we are away this weekend for my LO’s birthday) as I have 6 drafts in ATB and 3 drafts in Addicted to You (Series 2 of ATB) Obviously if you wish to stop reading after series 1 I completely understand just let me know if you like to be untagged. Now offence taken. I hope you like it.

Read previous chapters HERE!

Warnings: Fluff & Little Angst.

Word Count: 2608

Pairings: Laila x Harry

Enjoy!

Laila just sat and listened to Zeppy for over an hour "Do you want my honest opinion?" Laila stokes her hair, she nods "I think you need to put yourself first, not your Mum, Dad or even Jade....You! If that means cutting Vicky out of your life then so be it"

She sits up "But Mum...Jade says you should forgive people's mistakes!" Laila hands her a tissue from her dresser "But you can only give someone so many chance. I get she is your Mum, but sometimes we give family more chances than we do anyone else and they expect it" Zeppy sighs knowing Laila is right.

There's a light knock on the bedroom door, Nate pokes his head in "Everything OK?" he asks, Zeppy smiles then looks at Laila "Yeah, Auntie Leia gave me some advice" Laila gets up "Why do you tell your Dad about it? I'm going to head home. If you need me just give me a call" Zeppy nods as Nate walks further into the bedroom "Thanks!" Nate smiles at her.

She says her goodbyes and makes her way home.

~*~*~*~

A few days later Laila is at work, she has clients back to back. Daniel just sends each one through, she's cleaning her hair clippers when the next client comes over and takes a seat. "Hey, I'll be with you in a minute," she throws over her shoulder not even looking at her client "OK, take all the time you need" he says in a cheery tone.

She knew that voice, they hadn't spoken since the incident in his flat, she turned "Rem? What are you doing here?" he offers her a regretful smile, "I know I had an appointment tomorrow after you finished work, but I didn't think you would turn up, so I rang up the salon booked myself in for today. Plus, I wanted to apologies for how I acted the other day, I was out of line...way out of line! I hope you'll accept my apology and if you feel the need to you can take it out on my hair I will happily accept if it means you will forgive me!"

Laila laughs at him as she throws the gown over him and wrapping her arms around him "Look, I understand you were upset, so there's nothing to forgive!" he smiles up at her in the mirror "Thank god!! I've hated not having you to speak to...You know its hard to get advice when the person you always go to for advice is the one you need advice for! Alec put me in my place soon after you left!"

She laughs, "Rem!! I don't want to know what you get up to!" she jokes making him chuckle. She feels like a weight has been lifted, she has her best friend back. She curious to know what he's going to do about Melissa, but she's too scared to ask because she doesn't want to upset him. "I can see your mind ticking over, I've known you too long to know when your thinking about something"

"Rem...." he smiles, but rolls his eyes, "You want to know what I'm going to do about my mot..I mean Melissa!" he raises a brow at her "I'll meet her, but just once to see what she wants and that's it! Can I ask you something?" she nods at him "Do you think she's serious?" she lets out a breath "She said her friend suddenly died and it made her realise, if that was her...her kids wouldn't be at her funeral. I think she wants just wants a chance. She seemed upset she didn't know you had gotten married. It's weird after I left yours the other day I went to Nate's and while I was there I was trying to convince Zeppy to stop giving Vicky anymore chances"

"Oh? What's happened with Vicky?" Laila shook her head "What's always up with her!"

"Oh, poor Zeppy! Why won't Vicky learn?! She won't stick around if she's on the gear again!" Laila starts trimming his hair "I know, but they say addiction is an illness" Rem's shook her head "We can only hope Zeppy has taken your advice and it makes Vicky realise what she could lose" Laila nod "Hmm..can only hope"

Later that evening.

Laila is putting the finishing touches to her makeup when her buzzer rings. She knew it was Harry, so she buzzes him up and leaves the front door open and runs back to the bedroom to finish up. "Gorgeous?" he calls out "In the bedroom" she calls back.

He pokes his head through the doorway "Are you ready?" he smiles at her "I think so. Do I look OK?" she is wearing a khaki cut off sleeved shirt dress which wasn't long enough to wear without bottoms, so she picked a pair of black trousers and gold and black wedge sandals. "You look perfect," she was nervous he could tell especially considering the last time she had seen Colin and Rose she had called him a miserable old git.

They had made a mends after that, but she still felt incredibly nervous, but this belated birthday meal was Colin's idea. She looks over herself in the mirror one last time, Harry steps behind her, his arm wrapping around her waist and kisses her bare shoulder "No need to be nervous! He knows not to say anything out of line again, but if he does believe me...I won't stand for it" she smiles at his reflection in the mirror before turning in his arms.

"Oh, guess who came into the salon today?!" he knew who by her smile, but he wanted to tease her "Antony Joshua?" she laughs, "No! Rem!" she's beaming "I take it you two have made up then?"

"Yep, all made up!" he kisses the top of her head "Thank god for that," he chuckles "Ready to go?" he asks her "I think so!" he takes her hand and they make their way to the restaurant in Harry's car.

When they get to the restaurant Colin and Rose are already there as they approach the table Laila takes a deep breath "Laila, Harry" Rose gets up from her seat hugging them both "Hi Rose.." "Mum, little too tight!" Harry jokes as she lets go and they all take their seat "Dad" Harry nods at Colin "Colin, Hi!" she smiles "You alright?" he asks them both. "Yeah, thanks, you?" Laila asks her nerves are still going a hundred miles per hour.

"Great! Thanks! How was your birthday? Oh, and Happy belated Birthday!" he says. Laila's thrown he is completely different from the last time they saw him "Happy birthday!" Rose says as she passes over an envelope "Thanks, yeah it was great thanks! Better than I could've imagined" she's cut off by Rose "What did Harry get you?"

Laila's hand automatically goes to her locket, Rose leans over to take a closer look, "Can I open it?" she asks "Yeah, of course" Rose flips it open and coos at the picture "Aww, that is an adorable photo of you both!" Colin leans over to have a look "It's a good one" he comments.

They both sit down "Open your card!" Rose tells her. Opening the envelope and folded up bit of paper falls out, inside it reads:

To Lovely Laila,

Happy Birthday!

We hope you had a great day!

Love Rose & Colin x

P.S. We didn't know what to get you, so we thought this might be nice for you both to enjoy. x

Opening the folded paper its a photo of an old cottage, she looks up at Rose and Colin confused, Harry, take the paper from her to take a closer look, "What's this?" Harry asks his parents "So we didn't know what to get you, so we thought maybe you to might like a free week away in our little cottage in the Cotswold's. Obviously you two can chose any week you want just let us know a few weeks ahead! Harry, don't go telling your brothers or sister!"

"Why?" he chuckles "Because they will all want a week there and I don't trust they won't trash the place" Colin shook his head "I promise we won't trash the place and thank you that's so thoughtful!" the waiter comes over to take their drinks order, Harry leans in close enough so only she can hear "Can't say the same about the bed" he whispers making her blush.

After the starter Rose and Colin are telling them all about their time away in Rome "You have to take Laila there one day!" Rose tells her son. "It's beautiful! Laila, I keep meaning to ask do you cut men's hair?" Colin surprisingly asks her "Yeah, I do"

"She's my hairdresser now" Harry winks at her "Great, do you think you could fit me in?" Colin looks over to her "Erm..yeah, sure when are you free?" She's not sure if this is a joke or not but Colin has done a 360 since the last time. "Weekends probably work out better for me"

She smiles "I work every other Saturday in the salon, but I can come to you if it's easier?" She asks him nervously "3 weeks from now work? At our house?" Laila pulls out her phone that's Saturday is her weekend off "Perfect, any time preference?"

He checks his phone "Shall we say 11 AM then we'll do lunch?" Laila can't quite believe he's asking her to do his hair "Yeah, that would be great!" she's still taken aback by it. Maybe this is him trying to build bridges? She thought.

"Laila?" she hears someone call out from behind him as she looks up, it's Lou, she smiles and gets up to greet her "Lou, how are you?" she asks as she hugs her. Laila's happy that they're at this point.. 6 months ago, Laila could never imagine even looking in Lou's direction, let alone hugging her "Sorry, Louise, this is Rose and Colin, Rose and Colin this is Louise and obviously you've met Harry, they're his parents"

"Oh how lovely to meet you!" Louise smiles "And you!" Rose says as Colin just smiles at her "Laila, you wouldn't mind coming over to our table and saying hello to Steve would you? He'd love to see you!"

"Oh..erm OK!" she looks at Harry "I'll be 2 minutes!" he winks back at her. She felt a bit nervous she hadn't seen Steve in years because she thought it was best to stay away after everything happened considering she might have just let it slip to him out of anger, but now was different she understood why Lou did what she did it. Which was all thanks to Harry, in some ways she had changed for the better because of him, he had made her more forgiving.

Now, instead of blaming her, she gratefully Josh's last day's weren't his worst days. She had seen how cancer can change someone with her Grandad Carelli, he went from running every day with his granddaughter to being to weak too lift a fork.

As they approach the table Steve looks up noticing Laila his face lights up "Laila! Oh wow! It's so good to see you!!" he beams at her.

She smiles back at him.

Back at their table.

Colin looks to where Laila is "Who is this Louise to Laila?" Rose looks over to Harry. He knew what he could and couldn't say, "She's Laila's ex fiancé's Mum" Colin looks shocked "And she's gone over to see him?!" Harry could see his Dad disapproval "No! Steve is his Dad" Rose doesn't know what to say "You're OK with her being friendly with her ex's parents?" Colin almost hisses.

"Yes, I am! Because quite frankly, being jealous of a ghost is a bit ridiculous!" Harry could see the confusion on their face "Laila, ex fiancé died of cancer," he knew he couldn't say anymore than that "Oh god! That poor girl!" Rose is shocked, Colin is speechless "Now can you see why I'm more than happy for her to be friendly with her ex's parents? Even if he was a living ex I would be fine with it because I trust Laila!"

"I can see why...she is a lovely girl" Harry has never heard his Dad say anything like that about any of his girlfriends, but he just put that down to Laila being able to win anyone over because that was the kinda girl she is.

At Lou and Steve's table.

"You know we all missed you after the funeral. You just kinda disappeared" Steve's words make her drown in guilt "Hey! It was hard for all of us Steve, you have to remember she lost someone she was going to marry. We were probably a constant reminder of what she had lost" Louise tries to make excuses for Laila. She's thankful for this "I guess Lou is right! Sorry Laila!"

"You have nothing to be sorry for Steve....honestly, it's like Lou said and to be honest, I needed to grieve by myself," she smiles at him "How are you nowadays?"

"I'm good actually....I'm here with my boy....my boyfriend and his parents," she hated telling him this, but she was already keeping something from him plus surely he didn't expect her never to find anyone after Josh. "Aww, that's sweet! How long have you 2 been together?" he seemed happy for her which was a relief to her "I asked him to be my boyfriend over 2 months ago now" Steve howls "Why doesn't that surprise me! Josh always said if you wanted something you would go out and get it"

She laughs, "He is the first relationship I've had since Josh to be fair!" Lou coos "Does he make you happy?" Lou asks her "You know what he makes me incredibly happy actually," she looks over to Harry, his eyes catch hers and he throws her a wink making her blush. "I'm happy for you! You deserve to be happy...that's all Josh would have wanted for you!" Lou offers her a soft smile.

"Speaking of my boyfriend, I better get back to him! It was lovely seeing you both," she says as she gets up both Steve and Lou hug her.

She makes her way back to Harry and his parents, "Here she is!" Harry smiles and wraps an arm over her shoulder as she sits. The rest of the meal is relaxed and easy.

After they say their goodbyes to his parents, they make their way back to Laila's flat.

When they arrive the front door has been kicked in, worried someone might still be inside Harry tells Laila to call the police and he heads inside. Laila grabs his arm "Harry..."

"Laila, I'll be fine! I just want to check they're not still in there," he pushes the door open and makes his way inside.. he first checks the kitchen, when he hears someone behind him. He spins round, it's Laila holding her handbag like she's about to whack someone "Laila! Go and wait outside!" he whispers "What? and leave you to get attacked? No! Plus I have my bag! Never underestimate a women's handbag!"

"Fine! Just stay close!" he knew there was no point in arguing with her, so he continues to check all the rooms. Each have been ransacked, when they got to the living room on the wall in red spray paint were Cut her out of your life..

Continue reading this story here - Chapter 19.

@ridgy--didge​ @lem-20​ @secretaryunpaid​ @irisofpurple​ @khoicesbyk​ @txemrn​ @tea-me-kah​ @gloriousalmondvoiddreamer​ @casualpostqueen​ @beautifuluknownvoid​

[rainscribe]

RP Drabble: Letters to Derek

<blockquote><p><b>characters</b>: John Egbert (Jade’s universe, Homestuck), Various other characters<br><b>relationship</b>: John/Derek<br><b>words</b>: 7,491<br><b>location</b>: Monster-au-stuck<br><b>rating</b>: Mature<br><b>warnings</b>: mentions of <i>sexual content/desire</i>, some <i>violence</i> mentions, but not delved into, mentions of an <i>age-difference</i> relationship. rough draft, un-betad<br><b>summary</b>: John goes on a trip to find all the trolls (except 2), and figure out what the hell he’s doing with his life through writing letters to the person his life has centered on for the past months.&nbsp;</p></blockquote>[[MORE]]<blockquote><p><b>june 17</b></p><p>dear derek, </p></blockquote><p> so. </p><p> jade said i should write you letters while you were gone and at first i &nbsp;thought that was really dumb? but then a part of me was like, fuck yeah! i’ve never written a letter before. there was no need to, right? yet i always wanted to! even in middle and high school i would try really hard to get pen pals because that was the only way i could write letters. </p><p> those never panned out. /:</p><p> anyway, so i guess i’m just going to tell you how my trips are going! </p><p> </p><p> first of all, i haven’t actually traveled out of state yet? i’m on a bus right now heading out, but jade and dave kind of thought i already left to go to far off places. so i told them! hah. (dave kissed me goodbye. it was terrible. you should kiss me when you get back so i remember what good kisses are like.) </p><p> i get distracted way too much. point is! i met some of the local trolls in this area. and a guy who kind of reminded me of you? but a looooooot younger and clearly has not gone through the same shit as you. and also a guy who was kind of shy but seemed cool. </p><p> then there was this DOUCHEBAG of a SLEEZE. like seriously he was hitting on me the whoooooollllle time i was at latula’s auto repair shop. she was really cool! she knew karkat, this really funny, shouty troll that’s basically married to ava (you didn’t hear this from me, though!) </p><p> wait. do you even know about trolls? like this is not the magical supernatural kind of troll. this is the alien kind of troll with candy corn horns and gray skin. eh, i’ll probably inform you about them before you even get this! if i give it to you. i probably should. the mail should always be delivered to its recipient! </p><p> alright but so there was the douchebag whose name was cronus and he had an unlit cigarette in his mouth? he’s so weird. and he has scars like harry potter but he is such a fraud. i could kick his ass. i would have too! but this guy named horuss (another troll! 0: ) stopped me. and latula. </p><p> there were like these three trolls around the area of the mechanic shop. </p><p> and you know how much of a douchebag cronus was? well, he did kind of introduce me to meenah and porrim who are pretty radical people in their own right! </p><p> he was like, ‘hey john, i bet you want to meet some a grade ladies.’ </p><p> i kind of rolled my eyes, and reminded him that i was taken! </p><p> he was just like, ‘that’s ok, that’s ok. these are trolls. i know how all about trolls you are.’ </p><p> then he takes me out. like to dinner. he literally did. but i couldn’t say no? because he <i>was</i> going to take me to meet some troll ladies. i made sure of that. also, the restaurant he took me to was high grade shit. i feasted that night. and maybe got a little tipsy off of some really bubbly champagne? it was so light, my tongue <i>danced</i>. damn. i really need to remember what it was called? because i want you to try it! </p><p> afterwards, his friends stumbled upon us, singing and laughing on the street towards their establishment. meenah was mad at me for some reason? i can’t remember but she still let me sleep on her couch. she’s very prickly towards me and then she stuffs my face full of pancakes. it’s hilarious. porrim is a bit more mature? but then she kicks everyone’s ass at mario kart. even latula! it was hilarious. </p><p> then she and latula

got in a cuddle pile while meenah and cronus hooted before getting kicked out. it was kind of awkward to stick around after that! so i grabbed this bus, and i’m taking it down to las vegas. B) </p><p> ill tell you all about it! im really more interested about the magic shows than the gambling, although, i’m curious to try my luck. o:</p><p>love,</p><p>john</p><p>note: i wonder how good rose would be at gambling? </p><p>note 2: the champagne was called ca’del bosco cuvee prestige brut, franciacorta for future reference! </p><hr><blockquote><p><b>june 19</b></p><p>dear derek, </p></blockquote><p> heh i almost wrote deer. deer derek. that would be the exact opposite of what you are. so cute i’d eat you all up. and out. in a sexual innuendo-y way? </p><p> damn. vegas is... not the best place to go alone? it basically throws it in your face that you’re a loser and alone. there’s strippers in pretty much every gambling house, and it’s like yeah ok that’s nice and all, but my boyfriend is so much hotter and i’d rather see him stripping? not that i stayed and watched. it was... awkward. uh. yeah... </p><p> the magic shows were really cool, though! although... most of them weren’t reeealyl magic. but that’s the cool thing! theyre pretendin g to be magicians through sligth of hand and like foolin everyone. it’s ridicuoulously funny! i hahaha m laughi n too much. everything is hilarioius. hilarious. hiclarious. </p><p> shit im too durnk to finsh this. looooovvev you</p><p> wow that was embarrassing. i actually fell asleep on this letter. i’m so glad i’m not handing this over. this is amazingly embarrassing. las vegas is cool but bring a friend. moral of the story. </p><p>love,</p><p>john</p><hr><blockquote><p><b>june 21</b></p><p>dear derek,</p></blockquote><p> i met kanaya. </p><p> i feel like that should be a sentence in and of itself. its importance is there on the table for you to take it up, or just let it stay. </p><p> in this case you’re going to pick it up because kanaya? is so amazing. like you’re amazing, but then kanaya is Amazing. she uses a fucking <i>chainsaw</i> to do like tree designs? she is a lumberjack in disguise as the classiest sith in existence? i feel like rose would have fun trying to figure out how <i>that</i> happened. </p><p> speaking of rose she’s the one who told me to go meet her? as a favor for jade who knew karkat who is a worry wart. literal worry wart. he is a wart. </p><p> but kanaya fed me and made me tea and was very nice in general even when i trolled her and she had nooooo clue! i pranked her.</p><p> i know it was wrong. it’s bad manners to prank someone in their own house! but she was asking for it, derek! she was so... so... like okay she is sassy. the SASSIEST. but then she like stands so upright and makes you feel like you’re wearing a potato sack. which i would look amazing in. kanaya is just jealous that i can make a potato sack look good! &gt;:) </p><p> i just HAD to prank her. and when the bucket landed on her head... she blushed SO HARD. i took a picture. i sent it to karkat. his reaction was JUST AS HILARIOUS. like look at this shit:</p><p> Karkat: JOHN. I’M GOING TO POLITELY ASK YOU TO FUCKING BLOCK ME FROM YOUR PHONE. FOREVER. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. </p><p> he actually blocked me! i can’t believe it!! rude!!! </p><hr><blockquote><p><b>june 23</b></p><p>dear derek,</p></blockquote><p> i’m in texas!! </p><p> i feel like i had to write you a special letter from this special state that you were in for like... twenty years? nineteen? i’m not even sure how long you were here for. </p><p> anyway, so karkat finally unblocked me. long enough to school me in why it was rude to send bucket pictures of someone he regards as a friend (and maybe more?? he didn’t make it very clear.) to him. i guess it threw him in such a good yelling spree that ava says i’m banned from their house. :( </p><p> i’m waiting at the airport right now. my flight should be here in a bit. i’m going to florida because that’s where the zombie apocalypse is going to start and i need to know the layout of the land, but

it’s kind of boring here.</p><p> annnnd i may be in a grumpy mood because all of these people meeting and hugging is making me irritated. maybe it’s because i know i probably won’t get a similar greeting from you? that’s gross, i know. ew, john, pda. besides, jade and dave will greet me. </p><p> maybe i’ll kiss dave. show him how a kiss should really be!</p><p> not in front of willow, though. the poor child. we must protect her from the pda.</p><p> my flight isn’t for another hour, and i’m so bored. i don’t even have anything interesting to write about except that i’m in texas. maybe i’ll draw you something? </p><p> [insert badly drawn art of a wolf]</p><p> hahaha that fucking sucks. sweet bro and hella woof. </p><p> [new drawing of sweet bro on a hella jeff wolf]</p><p> look at this fucking amazing drawing. it should be in l’ouvre. right? right? </p><p> ... </p><p> what... </p><p> the fuck... </p><p> WHAT THE FUCK, DEREK. HOW DID DAVE’S SHITTY WEBCOMIC TURN INTO A MOVIE. I WAS JUST LAUGHING ABOUT THIS, AND I LOOK UP AND THERE’S SHITTY JPEG PIXELATION OF SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF ON A BILLBOARD. </p><p> how did his webcomic make it to this world??? IS YOUR LIL BRO RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SHIT?? what the hell. what has come over the world that they would pay twenty bucks to see his webcomic come to life. holy shit. </p><p> oh. well... that was an interesting way of wasting an hour. i’ll talk to you later.</p><p>love you, </p><p>john</p><hr><blockquote><p><b>june 24</b></p><p>dear derek, </p></blockquote><p> FLORIDA IS TERRIBLE AND AMAZING ALL AT ONCE. </p><p> seriously, though? fuck florida. i’m pretty sure everyone i met is secretly a crocodile. especially this toothy detective i stumbled upon. quite literally. </p><p> i was just minding my own business being a tourist and she comes over like you just committed a crime! and i said what? because i’m pretty sure i wasn’t even JAYWALKING. </p><p> and she said that she was pretty sure loitering around like a bumbling dunce was a crime in her jurisdiction and i said well if that’s the case then you should arrest yourself! (ooooooo!)</p><p> she laughed. swallowed her donut. (whole! the whole fucking thing. i am not even lying. you can see it in action yourself!) then went to her police car, which was actually being driven by someone else. she’s blind, you see! which makes no sense on how she would know i was loitering!</p><p> here i was hoping florida would be nice. :( but i guess it’s true. all floridians are secretly crocodiles. </p><p>love, </p><p>john</p><hr><blockquote><p><b>june 25</b></p><p>dear derek, </p></blockquote><p> terezi pyrope is terrible. utterly. terrible. </p><p> you know what the first thing she said to me was? like after the whole loitering business in the previous letter. she said, “ew, smells like dog.” and then she pinched her nose. </p><p> like seriously? how rude! i mean, at that point she kind of knew i was a werewolf. </p><p> see. she, well, she... alright! she fucking caught me naked, and was like that’s illegal and profane, get in the car. cause i guess she’s a cop detective. whatever. see what happened was... i didn’t have a hotel to sleep in? and i was like no big deal! i can live in the great outdoors in fucking florida and be fine! that was SUCH a stupid idea, derek, you have NO idea. first off, let me repeat myself. FLORIDA IS TERRIBLE. there’s CROCODILES, and SNAKES, and all sorts of evil things. why i thought it would fun sleeping outside instead of in a hotel, i don’t know, but i won’t make THAT mistake again. </p><p> and you know what i did that was even worse than that? i shifted. i took off my clothes and shifted. when i woke up in the morning, i was butt naked and terezi fucking pyrope had my clothes held hostage. she was in jogging clothes then so i guess she was taking a morning hike in the park, and she spied me. then she waited until i woke up, and made the comment about how i smelled like dog, and that i was violating public decency laws!!! </p><p> she almost threw me in jail. :( </p><p> your boyfriend is a criminal, i am so sorry,

derek. </p><p> but i got her back! for the smell comment, i mean. </p><p> i was like well you smell like a bug so that must mean you’re a troll! </p><p> she laughed, and took me to out to eat after giving me back my clothes. i got her up to date on what happened with karkat, and she asked about the guy whose glamour i had? i couldn’t really tell her much about that, though. just that karkat gave it to me, and that had her frowning. like she was concerned or something. beats me!</p><p> she made some unnecessary rude faces at me, too. but i eventually convinced her to move to seattle because i’m awesome. and she told me that there was a troll up in canada that i should find? (i’m on a plane heading up there now!) she chuckled evilly, so i’m not sure if i trust her or what. </p><p> also i’m actually not sure what bugs smell like? but that’s what trolls smell like. why does your universe have so many bug humanoids? even my alt is part bug. which is kind of weird! because i can’t imagine myself being a fairy. although, the fact that he’s a lightning bug is pretty cool. they’re charming bugs. if i had to pick a bug, i’d pick that. but it’s still weird!</p><p> and i kind of wonder what dave’s bro was like in my universe! if i would have liked him like i love you. but from what dave has said, he kind of sounds like a total dick, and in the worst of ways, despite the way dave tries to make it SOUND positive. like i understand that he doesn’t want his guardian to sound terrible, and wants to treasure the memory, but he kind of is terrible! and abusive. and manipulative. (i don’t think i could love that kind of person.)</p><p> but your dave said that he was getting some memories from my dave, so i wonder if you’re getting memories from his bro? i hope not. you’re supposed to be going through therapy to help you with your control. not needing more therapy to help sort out any fucked up memories that might have you confusing your own experiences. especially with dave. because i know that argument really had you questioning how you treated him! but i trust that you aren’t as bad as his bro. i <i>know</i> you’re not. </p><p> honestly, though, sometimes i wonder why my dad lived while Rose, Jade, and Dave all lost their guardians and had to go through some sort of social services. like! i know i was adopted, too, but it happened when i was really young so i barely remember anything. when rose’s mom died, rose lived by herself, and actually did well maintaining the lie that her mom hadn’t died really well until she came to school drunk once. </p><p> they found out everything then, and forced her to stay in social services until they found a good family (impossible when she was fifteen and no one wanted to adopt a kid that old), or until she was eighteen, and they couldn’t keep her. </p><p> then you have dave who went through a couple of terrible people, and decided, fuck it, and escaped. of course, he ended up in a gang. </p><p> jade said she ended up getting emancipated from the system. but that was after going through a couple of people, and being able to live off her inheritance. </p><p> huh, rose received an inheritance, too. i wonder why dave didn’t? </p><p> anyway. this letter has gotten kind of long and rambly, so i guess i’m going to cut it off here. the plane is landing soon in new york too. after that i will be in the country of the ‘eh!’ also, maple syrup. i should buy some and mail it to the house! yeah! </p><p> we’ll make pancakes when we’re both home! see you later!</p><p>love,</p><p>john</p><hr><blockquote><p><b>june 28</b></p><p>dear derek, </p></blockquote><p> man! new york is so cool! i went and saw the statue of liberty, and went up in the empire state building. it’s <i>amazing</i>! i was so high up!! i wish i could fly. it would be sooo cool. why aren’t there any <i>flying</i> werewolves? </p><p> even dave can fucking levitate, but you don’t see him doing it that often! it’s a waste of being able to levitate! :( </p><p> but!! i did see a magic show, and people did some moves through the air. they were attached to a

cord, i think?? (unless they were supernatural! O: ) and yeah they did some neat things. i want to do neat things like that. like fake flying. fake magic. i wouldn’t mind any of it at all. although <i>real</i> flying would be better than fake flying. </p><p> oh, and there were a couple of other places i stopped by?? i actually decided to take a bus from new york to canada because i wanted to see niagra falls! it was being advertised as one of the biggest falls in the u.s.? even though it’s really not that big. they’re just long! but it was really cool. i even got to go behind the falls and got a rinky dink yellow rain jacket for my time. </p><p> there were a lot of people getting married there, too. or proposing. i guess it’s a really attractive place to proclaim your love to someone? huge ass waterfalls in the background and a diamond ring to tell you i will love you for as long as the waterfalls remain. </p><p> i wonder what would happen if the falls collapsed. would their love vanish? would their hearts break? this is why you can’t rely on physical things for love. not even the stars last forever. jupiter might, though. didn’t shakespeare do a sonnet about love? do i compare thee to a evening something or other. shakespeare died but his sonnets (and plays) will last forever.</p><p> i don’t think i’ll be able to write something so powerfully gay to you, so i won’t. because i can’t write. i’ll leave that up to rose.</p><p>love,</p><p>john</p><p>p.s. don’t ask rose a general question like, did shakespeare write sonnets because she will chew your head off and read all of his sonnets to you.</p><hr><blockquote><p><b>june 30</b></p><p>dear derek,</p></blockquote><p> i don’t... </p><p> canada... </p><p> ... </p><p> i... words are escaping me. </p><p> like tavros. TAVROS. is just as bad as terezi. he is terribad. but in this nerdy way that drives me up the wall. no wonder terezi was smiling evilly!! between her and tavros i’m at my wits end with these trolls!!! </p><p> at least terezi was willing to move to washington. tavros was like ...hahaha... that sounds interesting but if you’re gathering up all the trolls, then i think not. and he goes back to playing the troll equivalent of poKEMON!!! </p><p> and when i said that humans came up with pokemon first, he was all, trolls have been around longer than you have, so i’m pretty sure we came up with it first. </p><p> i just can’t believe him!</p><p> i’m so fucking glad i’m leaving canada!! </p><p>john</p><hr><blockquote><p><b>july 2</b></p><p>dear derek,</p></blockquote><p> i stopped by... well. your house as i was passing through on my way to hawaii! well technically, i’m on my way to japan. but i’m going to hawaii first! it’s going to be awesome! </p><p> but i saw jade, dave, and willow on my way through, and it looks like they’re all doing fine! willow already has a tooth cut through and she’s looking really adorable. she has a lot more hair now. and her eyes have set on taking after dave’s. it’s about time some features of his started showing through. the harleybert genes are strong. B) </p><p> i missed being there surprisingly! your bed still smelled like you. it is pretty big. hard to get all of your manly smell out of it no matter how hard i rolled around in it and tried to cover it up with <i>my</i> manly smells. :) </p><p> it was actually difficult to leave! for like a day. then rose was like, john you must be in japan at this certain spot when the aligns to meet the next trolls, and i was like ok, cool! japan seems awesome. this seemed important! </p><p> see, what i’ve kind of been doing with this trip is getting an idea of where all the trolls are at. they don’t necessarily have to move to washington (and if they do decide to do that, we’re having them live with mom!), but we’d kind of like to know a more specific location on where they’re all at. and maybe get updated contact information, lol. </p><p> i think rose is even creating a group facebook so we can all keep in contact! which is a pretty fucking good idea. oh, and jim john is also working on it, too. so is

the other rose? they’re all very good at the whole predict-y thing. i don’t even know sometimes. they just tell me where to go, and i go. that’s all. </p><p> not too much excitement going on right now, though! so i’ll talk to you later. after hawaii B)</p><p>love,</p><p>john</p><p>p.s. i’ll make sure i take a hot picture for you! B) </p><hr><blockquote><p>[Postcard with the Hawaiian islands on the side. Attached with a paperclip is a picture of john in regular clothes by a volcano. fireworks are going off in the background.]</p><p><b>july 4</b></p><p>derek! </p></blockquote><p>hawaii is fantastic! wish you were here! i hope you enjoy the super hot pic! xoxoxo</p><hr><blockquote><p><b>july 9</b></p><p>dear derek,</p></blockquote><p> hey! i’m in japan right now! i am extremely sadden that there’s no anime japan. i was seriously thinking i’d see totoro here!! i’m so disappointed. </p><p> heh, just kidding. but japan sure is different than what i expected. i dunno. i guess it’s just the language barrier that got to me? that oh i really am out of my country feel. it’s a good thing we didn’t go here first, or you would have worst off. cars are backwards AND a different language you can barely understand? it would have been bad, pfff. </p><p> it’s still really amazing, though! i went to tokyo tower, and saw some of the sights. i ate ramen in a ramen booth and felt like naruto for a minute. that’s where i met rufioh! he’s a pretty chill dude. doesn’t seem to have much backbone, but i liked him. and damara! i liked her, too. she seemed pretty nice despite the illegal amounts of weed she smoked. is weed illegal in japan? </p><p> i don’t know. but yeah she DEFINITELY did not want to come back. when i even suggested it, she gave me the vilest look, and if it weren’t for rufioh, she’d have... well. done really bad things to me! </p><p> there was a summer festival going on, and i didn’t have a kimono, but i got to join in. damara looked really pretty in a kimono! she took it off shortly after it started and i think some people were kind of scandalized. not because she was naked, but i guess you’re supposed to look kind of nice for these festivals? and she was definitely wearing a very short school girl outfit with her midriff showing. she seemed pretty happy, though. i kind of feel really sympathetic towards her? for some reason? </p><p> anyway, they let me stay for a little while, and showed me some of the other neat things about tokyo. it was nice. i liked learning about the tokyo you don’t often see about in anime. i feel like you would enjoy japan if you became more comfortable with traveling? i even bought you a shitty samurai sword, and shipped it back home. </p><p>love,</p><p>john</p><p>p.s. don’t tell my dad, but i tried the weed.</p><hr><blockquote><p><b>july 12</b></p><p>dear derek,</p></blockquote><p> hey! i’m going to be doing a lot of traveling between here (tibet) to maybe europe? yeah. there’s just a lot of take-offs and landings that’ll be happening and shit gets boring, y’know? i have a long flight from here to california, though, so i’m hunkering in for a nice little ride. </p><p> i hadn’t even considered that i could have been asking for first class tickets. sometimes it startles me that jade has SO much money that we could just... not even pay attention to what we’re buying and just buy a fuckton of stuff that’s like hundreds of thousands of dollars, or more! we could buy a fucking island and we wouldn’t even notice that it took a nice skim off the bulk of her money. </p><p> one thing jade told me was that even for as much money they have, we’re still accumulating money, too? from the investments and stocks that were purchased, too. like her grandpa had a really good mind to money! </p><p> also i think she’s taking an interest in checking on what companies we have stocks in, and seeing what we can do to change those companies for the better. she’s always thinking about the future and about what can be done better. it’s amazing. sometimes i wish i had about a sixth of the motivation she has. i haven’t really felt

like there was anything for me to do. i feel like i’ve been so GROUNDED that i don’t have any room to go forward or that there was anything i wanted to do. </p><p> i guess... i feel like i’m stagnating. i’m not flowing or moving or learning or... growing? as a person. as a werewolf? i’m just growing duller and more inactive everyday and it’s driving me up the wall! </p><p> it’s funny because i have been traveling, but the more i’ve been traveling, the more i feel like i’m not getting anywhere. </p><p> ... </p><p> i saw kankri yesterday? i guess he’s related to karkat in some way, but i don’t know. he’s definitely not how i pictured a relative of karkat’s acting? other than the never shutting up part. </p><p> he turned down the whole move to washington thing, but told me that i should go to niger. so that’s where i’m going now. </p><p> i’m tired. </p><p>goodnight,</p><p>john</p><hr><blockquote><p><b>july 18</b></p><p>dear derek,</p></blockquote><p> hey. </p><p> sorry i haven’t been writing. like i said... there were a lot of planes to change, and i mostly slept on my flights. i saw terezi again for a little while. crashed on her couch between a flight from california and a flight to morocco. she said she hoped i liked nepeta and that she’d chew my head off, hopefully. </p><p> she was packing up, too, and showed me some younger pictures of glamoured, and unglamoured karkat. it was cute. </p><p> i sent the pictures to ava who was more than happy to receive them, but karkat banned me from the house, so i’ve officially been banned by both members of that household. i feel sort of accomplished with that. </p><p> after terezi’s, i went to morocco, which is absolutely gorgeous. the architecture and colors are divine. the market is really fun. i haggled with a couple of vendors, and manage to get some souvenirs shipped back, too. i make really good investments!</p><p> nepeta was as cute and dangerous as terezi deemed her to be. she’s a werelion? but she only shifts when leo is in the sky. she can’t shift during any other time frame. she had fun hunting me down. i thought i was being fucking stalked by a literal lion, not a fake shifter lion (don’t tell her i said that, she’ll chew my head off). you’ll get to meet her. she said she was interested, and after i gave her some money for an airplane, she decided to head that way. </p><p> then i went to egypt. i saw the pyramids, and didn’t get too taken advantage of. (who am i kidding. they took complete advantage. i can’t hide the fact that i’m an american tourist no matter how dark my skin is. i honestly don’t even mind that much, although i’m pretty sure they thought i was as dull as a rock.) they really like tea in egypt, too? which is kind of surprising, but it shouldn’t be. like basically anything non-western is all over tea, and westerners are all over coffee. pretty funny, considering how tea is supposed to be better for you anyway. </p><p> egypt is hooooooooot, too. not hot like texas hot which is also kind of a wet and humid hot that makes you feel like you’re suffocating, but a heat that’s just really hot. which... is really weird to say. it doesn’t make you sticky, just sweat a lot. i can kind of understand why they wear a lot of clothes now! the clothes contain the coolness of your body in the heat, and also keep the sun off you. which is really good! but i didn’t stay in egypt for too long. i went to greece next, because nepeta asked me to check in on someone very impurrtant to her. </p><p> he worked at a museum in greece which, yknow, showcased the greek statues and shit. at first, he didn’t seem all that interested, especially when i didn’t show proper respect to the relics of the ancient world. (which is funny because under his breath he’d mutter about how even what we considered to be great achievements for humans, they had very little on alternian achievements, especially in the fine arts.) yet, the moment i mentioned nepeta’s name he fucking clams up, and is like oh great master egbert what can i do for you? if only you’ll tell me where she’s at. </p><p> so i told

him she was in washington, and i saw him run off to his work office to put in his two weeks, or tell them he was quitting or something. i don’t know. i kind of didn’t care at that point? i was just glad that it was taken care of. </p><p> so that’s what i was up to until now, basically. it’s all been rather boring despite the sites. i’ve taken to couch hopping, and whenever someone tells me i should go somewhere, i just go? because what else am i going to do? </p><p> i haven’t really heard anything from home, so i guess this will work for now. </p><p> there’s a beer festival or something happening in germany tomorrow. i’m in austria right now, but i think i’ll stop by and see if anything catches my interest. </p><p>love,</p><p>john </p><hr><blockquote><p><b>july 20</b></p><p>dear derek,</p></blockquote><p> heheheeeee i’mmmmm drunk agian. i met thsi girl trlol named vriask and we haad a fight! but with abeet bert. beer. tryin ta out do each other ykonw? </p><p> and now i’m crasshed at her uh </p><p> place? </p><p> car? </p><p> i dunno what it is. too big ta be a car??? i’m so confusde. anway dont matter. what mATTERS is the iMPORTANT things in lief. and how much i lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vv vv ve ya. is that enogh v? i think so. </p><p> viraks was tellin me abutt how she lovd the tavroos guy. idk why he sucKS but like shhe did? idk toot drunk to make out waht shes talkin’ about but it was funny. i think? i think everything is funny right now. </p><p> except how fukcing turned on i am and how ur not here. i mayb cry bc your not here to help my bonr. but not really. just cry cause im lonely which is wierd. casue brskira is here yknow? </p><p> id kiss you allllllllll over and jsut touch. idonteven want ta get off. nah thats a lie i toets do.hahaha vriska just belched gdo shes hialarioous. </p><hr><blockquote><p><b>july 28, 4pm</b></p><p>dear derek,</p></blockquote><p> it feels weird not writing to you for so long! i’ve kind of been busy. and vriska won’t let me write to you when i’m drunk! (thank goodness, to be honest.) </p><p> i thought i was going to be so bored in europe, but i’m like the exact opposite! it’s great. and a lot of that has to do with vriska.</p><p> she has all these irons in the fire, and she asks for my input too, but i’ve kind of been traveling with her. she’s been helping me out a lot, too! she said i looked utterly pitiable and that i should be lucky that she’s going out of her way to help me. </p><p> i know that sounds kind of mean, but vriska has such a personality that it’s hard for her to be nice to anyone if it doesn’t look like she’s gaining something out of it. it’s funny how hard she tries to make it look like she doesn’t care. </p><p> we’ve been to so many places, derek, it’s hard to believe. europe is pretty. it’s done a lot of recovery since world war ii but you can see where it’s still affected some areas. we mostly avoided those areas. vriska said they were lame. </p><p> so! we went and visited a lot of neat places. mostly breweries. vriska really likes beer for some reason? even in italy she just wanted to go to the wine houses! which was fine because while she was at the wine houses, i went to venice. i <i>really</i> wish you could see venice some day. it’s beautiful. there’s canals everywhere, and statues of different beings. </p><p> i would have thought with it being such a magical looking place, there would be a lot of supes there? but it felt... static... of any magic. there was nothing really supernatural about it. i guess that’s because when people go there, they’re ready to believe anything. even if it doesn’t fit in with their world. </p><p> we watched a bunch of wrestlers in rome. vriska gambled on a bunch of different teams, and won us a lot of loot. she didn’t seem happy when she learned that i was only bumming it around because i was bored, and not that i was actually broke. she got mad? like the money she made wasn’t important i guess. but i told her any money was good money, and that it technically wasn’t my money, and she got over it. she’s a prideful troll! </p><p> oddly

enough, she’s been helping me with the whole stagnated feeling, though? keeping her in check is a lot more interesting! but i get the feeling that i’m just passing on the whole complete focus thing from you to someone else. (not like <i>that</i>, though. i don’t find vriska attractive in those regards!)</p><p> but like in paris, we went shopping, and we splurged a little (sorry, jade!), then i went and did a little magic show to these kids outside with vriska and it was just?? really great?! i missed doing slight of hand. i made so many kids smile, even adults! it was unreal. </p><p> then we went out and got some balloons and just aired up hundreds of them with helium before letting them go.</p><p> i think france kind of hates us, now! they didn’t really like what we did. afterwards, we went out into the country where they were doing an air ballon show, and we actually got to ride in them! it was really great. </p><p> right now, we’re heading to spain. she says she wants to take some pictures of bulls for tavros, and i’m pretty sure i understand where she’s going with <i>that</i>. (tavros has bull horns.)</p><p> it’s pretty mean, but he’s also a douche so i can’t help wanting to do it, too. i think vriska was more than a douche to tavros, though, so i’ll let her take the pics, then delete the images when she gets drunk off her victory later. </p><p> rose called and told me i need to go to england soon! so i’ll probably do that, but when i told vriska that, she made a face. she has absolutely no interest in leaving the continental europe, so i don’t know if i’ll see her in washington or not!</p><p> i hope so. i really like hanging out with her. there’s only a few more trolls to get information from, though, so i’ll hopefully be home soon! i miss you, and i can’t wait to see you when i get back. although, i’m thinking i’m going to have to find more to do than just... </p><p> did i ever tell you why i started traveling? </p><p> shit! can’t tell you right now. tell you later. </p><hr><blockquote><p><b>july 28, 11pm</b></p></blockquote><p> sorry about that! our ride was about to leave, and we just got to our dinky hotel room. it’s so small! there’s two single sized beds, and like barely a closet of a bathroom. vriska chooses the <i>worst</i> places to stay. i think she either goes to the richest, most luxurious place she can find, or the scummiest. there is no in-between with her. but! we’re really close to the bull ring, and that’s a bonus.</p><p> anyway, so. why i even did this thing. hell, you might learn before i even hand this wad of papers over. (still debating on that! especially the drunk ones. man, i don’t know if i was just lonely, or if i wanted to write some thirteen year olds smut fantasy... but... yeah. if i were writing smut, i’d probably mention something about your <i>rippling</i> abs. c; ) </p><p> wow. i really don’t want to tell you this. </p><p> so i’m going to do it, anyway. </p><p> what happened, was that in my boredom, i found out some rumors that this one house outside the city was haunted, and so i decided to go to see if i could find anything. with jade. honestly, i’m starting to feel really bad about this because it was the night dave proposed and everything. like they had <i>sex</i> in the <i>living room</i>. with fancy cushions and marshmallow creme... i... don’t even want to know where they put the creme at holy shit. (we should do that...) </p><p> so jade and i went out to investigate the haunted house and some kids were there, too. i think they were about fifteen or sixteen? maybe older, and well. when the paranormal stuff <i>really</i> started happening, i.. tried to scare them out, so <i>i</i> could face the ghost. by myself. or with jade. i just wanted to do. </p><p> so the ghost got pissed off at <i>me</i>. because that was its job. not mine. and i ended up channeling some werewolf hunting instinct. jade had to cover for me, and thank goodness for the ghost because it stopped me from doing anything really bad. </p><p> i know, i know, you’re going to berate and get onto me, and shit. DAVE

already did that, though, so you’re covered. please don’t berate me. the age thing will just make it weird. i wish it wouldn’t, but that’s... really the worst thing about the differences in our age! sometimes it feels like you’re lecturing me like i’m a naughty child when... i’m supposed to be your partner. /: </p><p> i try not to let it get to me cause i know you don’t want it to come off this way! i can only hope the older i get the less weird it seems, but i don’t know if that’s going to be possible? i love you, either way, you massive nerd. </p><p> anyway, vriska is nagging at me, and saying that it’s time for bed so we can go and take... blackmail? pics tomorrow. i don’t know how it’s blackmail when the content has nothing to do with the person, but instead in degrading way? i think she has that wrong, but she’s getting in her i don’t care, mr. grammar. excuse you, it’s not mr. grammar, but ms. grammar, and that’s rose! d: </p><p>love, </p><p>john</p><hr><blockquote><p><b>august 2</b></p><p>dear derek,</p></blockquote><p> holy shit is vriska’s... relative... annoying. she’s like kankri, but at least some of what she has to say is informative? she kind of explained how the aliens got here, anyway. all like, our world was destroyed, and a massive amount of trolls had no where to go, our empire was dying, so our empress found this happy little earth planet, and decided to move in. </p><p> if you can’t tell, i’m writing this as she’s talking. she thinks i’m taking notes. sike! i’m writing to my boyfriend under the teacher’s nose. :P </p><p> it was actually interesting until she started talking about romance? i guess trolls have like four different kinds of romance. and i’m just like, oh yeah, that’s great. somehow it’s supposed to be better than ours, but i don’t really think it is. or maybe it’s just like people who want labels for everything? a better way to describe what it is you’re feeling? </p><p> i don’t think i’m very interested in labeling what i am. i love and am attracted to you, but i also find ladies lovely and attractive, so i guess that technically makes me bi, but i’d rather just be john, and not have a bunch of labels stuck to me. i guess i can understand how other’s find them useful. some people like taking all sorts of online quizzes to put themselves in these little boxes! </p><p> but i’d rather just go with the flow and be whoever i want to be instead of trying to pin it down to one thing! except if i were to ever be labeled as a wizard. i would OWN that. </p><p> dammit. i better pay attention and find a spot where i can escape at so that aranea doesn’t keep me here for a month. i’m going to scotland, then ireland! last stop is iceland. 8) </p><p>love,</p><p>john</p><hr><blockquote><p><b>august 6</b></p><p>dear derek,</p></blockquote><p> i think this will be my last letter! i’m on a plane heading home, thank goodness. i think vriska would have liked scotland and ireland more than me. i wonder why she was so anxious to not go with me the rest of the way? maybe she didn’t want to meet her relative? </p><p> yeah, i’m like 99% sure that was definitely the case. </p><p> hehehe i got in a brawl with a scottish dude at the pub, and afterwards we exchanged numbers and addresses when i told him that i had been writing letters during the trip. (he’s a werewolf <i>too</i>! it was SO cool. i wish i had gotten up to scotland sooner cause then we could have gone out on the full moon together, but he said it was probably for the best! he might have gotten too territorial to notice that i was a friendly werewolf. </p><p> ... i’m trying to pull thoughts together, but i’m really tired. hold on...</p><p> annnnd back. i just needed a nap. :) </p><p> so scotland was a ton of fun! as was ireland! i got on a bus tour kind of thing? and basically, wow. ireland is like those covers you see on older romance novels (i saw them at karkat’s house!) where it was historical and shit, and there are lovely irish lasses who are taken in by i... don’t know. guys. dudes. (dudes with <i>rippling</i> abs. (; ) just to note, karkat may

have read one of them out loud to me. i may not have been listening in the entirety. </p><p> then there was iceland, which was so relaxing. i went to one of the hot springs. i felt so clean and rejuvenated after that when i met nepeta’s relative, i wasn’t even weirded out by how she somehow managed to use her phone to gif at me as part of her sign language. i think i understood the hand motions better than what the gifs were supposed to represent? she asked about my love life, and was really bummed when i told her i was taken. and then she somehow was under the impression that i still needed other people? </p><p> that was when the whole four romance thing clicked, and i was like <i>shit</i>. she’s going to try and get me hooked up in the other romances. i managed to get her side tracked by asking about her favorite ships, and her tumblr, and yoinked a phone number. i think it’ll be easier communicating to her on tumblr, to be honest. </p><p> she and aranea didn’t seem all that interested in coming along, though, which is <i>fine by me</i>. the more those two plus kankri stay away, the happier everyone except maybe rose will be. </p><p> i’m really excited just to come home! i can’t wait to lay in bed, and just... sleep for a couple of days. maybe you’ll be there? i kind of hope not in a way, i think i need to sleep for forty-eight hours at home in order to feel ready to talk to you. i’m acting like something happened between us? but i guess nothing really did. maybe i’m just still bummed that you left without saying goodbye? although, i get why you did it. </p><p> either way, it’ll be good to be home, and i hope therapy is helping you out. </p><p>love,</p><p>john</p>

[schoolenthusiast]

Some tips I wish I had known before starting grad school

A couple of weeks ago I answered someone’s question on Tumblr about what to expect/what to do when starting a PhD. It gave me the idea to extrapolate about the subject just in case it could help some fellow tumblr grad school enthusiasts.

1. Choose your program and advisor wisely

Before submitting your proposal, do some shopping for your graduate school program. It’s an important step because at this point, your future opportunities will often depend on where you are working and who you are working with. Who are the experts in your field of study? Where do they teach? What is their reputation → this is fairly important: try to get to know them as researchers (how often do they publish? where? what are their current research interests) but also as people (do they enjoy working with their grad students? are they involved in their faculty? are they easy to reach? how do they work? are they perfectionists or slackers?) 

The main idea here is to find someone who will be willing to mentor you and bring your research to the next level without shoving their ideas down your throat. I’m not saying you will become friends with them (although you could), but since you will be working with them and even for them for quite a while, it is really important that you choose them carefully. Academia is highly competitive, and you have to be able to trust your advisor.

2. Do some research before starting

Most of PhD students start their adventure during the fall semester, which means they have submitted their candidature during the winter semester, presumably while finishing either an undergrad program or any form of master’s degree. This means there is usually some time between the time you submit your thesis research proposal and the time you actually start as a PhD student. Take it as your advantage. In most cases, you will already have done some topic-related research at this point to submit your proposal. Getting a head start doesn’t mean you should reread everything during the summer, because it is more than ok to take some time to rest. What could be a good idea is to look at your main research material and focus on it so you get a better understanding of what you know and what you need to know.

Example : 

Let’s say you’re a lit student (like me). You know you want to work on Author X and have a critical approach inspired by the research of Y and W. Now, this has already been stated in your research proposal and you’ve read the necessary works before then (normally). 

A good place to start during the summer would be to reread the books of Author X to a) single out the ones you will be focusing on and maybe even annotate them and b) get a better understanding of their work as a whole. 

Then, you could reread the books by Y and W to make sure you understand them well. 

Once this is done, try to find the alternate theories about their research: is there anyone who contradicts them? what flaws are there in their ideas? how could the same mistakes be avoided? is the research usable in your given context? what are the precautions to take while using their methods? etc. → This will save you a ton of time later when you have to defend your methodological choices to research committees and similar academic boards.

If you have time and energy, you can even start to take notes about your different choices about the things you encounter during this phase (especially concerning step 4, since you will more than likely have to discuss it in your thesis later)

3. Get involved

Motivation is often hard to find in this incredibly long process (4-5 years for most of PhD programs... when things go well! imagine having a child or an illness during this time!). One thing I found that helped me was to get OUT of my research bubble and participate in things organized either by other students or professors. It can be attending a book launch, or just the end of semester party, or just attending the lecture your advisor gives to undergrads. Although these are sometimes time consuming, getting out of your place for a couple hours, breathing fresh air while you commute, talking to people and looking at something else than your computer screen helps a lot. You’ll come back from these events rested, and it will help you focus more.

Is your field so narrow there is literally nothing available for you to participate in? Organize one ! Most universities have special funds for organizing conventions and colloquials. You will get experience in diverse skills (budget, marketing, communication, etc.), meet people (who will most likely be impressed of the work you did to make this event possible) and make sure your implication stays in your uni’s history. If you feel like you don’t know your professors/advisor that much, this is a great way to get to know them: invite them to be keynote speakers at your event. This might help you attract even more “renowned” people to the event, as their circle of acquaintances might be broader than your own. Organizing a set of conference sure is energy and time-consuming, but the rewards are huge when it comes to your career. Who knows, maybe someone you will meet there will become a future colleague or a friend?

4. Do other things

What usually happens when people get into grad school is that they start wearing blinkers. Although I’m not sure if the idiom translates well to English (^^), it means that they get so focused on their research subject that they don’t notice anything else. They read only research-related stuff, attend research-related events, and meet research-related people. Although it might not seem dangerous (after all, you get to learn a lot and you get closer to your goal!), it can lead to completely overlooking something that could be crucial to your research! Reaching outside your traditional field of research will let you encounter new theories and methodology, new thinkers and new ideas. When you feel like you’re stuck on a problem, taking a step back can often let you reconsider and see it differently. Talk to your problems to the people around you, but not necessarily people in your field. Their ideas and insight might help you get out of your research slump.

5. Plan wisely

Planning takes time and we all know we don’t have enough of it. BUT it will help you feel like you have a hold onto things (because you will, duh!). It will also be a source of motivation (grad school often feels like everything in our life is on hold, but making a daily to-do list will prove it is not). Planning early (and sticking as much as possible to your schedule) will let you have more breathing room when it comes to surprises in your life (a surprise teaching job? a travel opportunity? illness? an invitation to your annual field symposium? a child?). If these happen, you will have to do more work, that’s for sure, and you don’t wanna be so behind that you have to decline or quit.

Plan:

Daily things (chores, reading time, lab time, errands, FREE TIME)

Upcoming deadlines (keep track of them ! make sure you know all the requirements!)

Upcoming interesting events (either a research-related conference coming to your university or just a concert with friends)

If you have a job while you are also in grad school, try to take note on what you can do and when. If you have a teaching job related to your field, see how explaining things to undergrads can help you better understand your own research.

Required reading for your thesis (got dozens of pages in your bibliography? better get cracking! But let yourself some time to digest the information you read. There’s no point in reading so fast you end up skimming the whole thing and then having to reread it months from now when you’re supposed to be writing your thesis). Take good notes and create a system that works for you.

6. Take some time off

DO. SOMETHING. FOR. FUN. EVERYDAY. (Even for just 5 minutes! TREAT YOURSELF)

7. Get feedback

Show what you write to your friends. Talk to them about what you want to do next and ask if they know things that could interest you. 

If you participated to an event related to your research, think about what you could have done better and think of ways to improve for the next one. Consider the questions people had for you and try to figure if they were overlooked in your presentation because of time issues (as it is often the case) or just because you never thought about them before.

#1 is really important here. Talk to your advisor. Have a chat in their office from time to time, just so they can keep up with you and see you’re involved (or still alive!) Send them drafts early in your process so you can assess how much time it takes before getting A) an answer to your email (this can take a while) and B) annotations and suggestions on your draft. You DON’T want to work for months on end only to scrap everything and go back to where you started.

8. Ask questions

“There are a whole lot of things in this world of ours you haven’t even started wondering about yet.” — Roald Dahl

It was true when you were a child trying to understand the world, and it is still true now. Don’t allow yourself to become mediocre. Don’t ever be satisfied with half-assed answers. Sometimes the key to motivation is to stay curious.

9. Always bring a (leisure) book with you

This is directly related to #6. This point is especially important if you work in the humanities or any field that basically only requires a lot of reading-related research (i.e. not labs, because grad students working in labs do spend a lot of time in there, but they sure don’t bring it back home with them). If you’re really stressed about not doing enough research, it’s fine, but you have to admit that when you’re just waiting for the bus or in a line to get your lunch, doing research-related readings is simply not worth it. Hence the leisure book. Allow yourself some breaks and renew your love for reading!

10. Look for scholarships and other funding resources

I can’t insist on this enough. Being a grad student takes a lot of time and dedication. The few academia-related work opportunities you will get most likely won’t pay for your daily needs, much less your total tuition. Getting a part-time job can also be risky, as it will reduce the time you have for research, drain your energy, and also make you less available for occasional activities (conference, research trips, etc.). It doesn't take a lot of research to see that student loans are a huge source of stress and although it might be necessary for you in order to survive, taking less money from loans because you’re getting it as grants is the best opportunity. You can ask your advisor for suggestions, or look online either on your university’s website (they usually have a list available either for all of their students or to a specific group you might be part of) or other organizations. Some governments also have research grants available.

This is something you should do before starting your grad school program or even in your first year, as some of the grants are renewable over a specific span of years (you get an amount of money for 3-4 years), so you should definitely try to get it as soon as possible. Doing research early about grants can give you a better idea of what you can expect and how to budget. Keeping a budget is the key, since for most of the grants you will have to submit one to prove that you could benefit more from that money. Also, knowing your needs and the possible savings you could make is a lifetime-useful skill.

Your advisor can help with the process and give you advice on what to write in your proposal (they’ve most likely written a ton of those, or even been on selection committees before, they know what will be expected). 

You’re already a grad student and have never asked for grants before? It’s never too late to start. Sometimes grant organizations will prefer giving the money to someone how has never benefited from it before, and this person might be you!

11. Stay or become friends with people outside your field and out of grad school

Grad school can be is hard on mental health. Students often have depression symptoms or other mental health problems during their grad student years. Grad school will most likely make you feel isolated, especially if you’re working a lot from home and/or in a very competitive field (who am I kidding, they all are). There is no magical solution to this, but keeping in touch with people might help you. Share how you feel with people you trust, either from your field or, preferably, your ‘outside’ life. Take time to visit your family if you’re living away from them. Take breaks to send stupid faces on snapchat. Play video games with your friends. Take your nieces, nephews and/or kids to field trips. Go grab a drink with someone you’ve met in college but haven’t seen in a while. Take up a class to learn something new.

Surrounding yourself with people who are not experts in your field or have no graduate school experience will prevent you from spending all your precious free time talking about your thesis or your grant proposal. It might not seem useful at first, but trust me, it is.

If you’re still struggling with mental health issues related to grad school, please look and ask for help. You will not regret it.