#if ten ppl say yes i will drop everything and write it

[themotherofhorses]

ok but have any of us rlly considered a bucky barnes x reader x aemond targaryen dirty threesome smut fic?

[softpine]

i wasn't on tumblr when tlou part 2 dropped but i would love to know your thoughts on the game especially if/how they've changed with time if you're up to writing a paragraph lol

also i've seen a lot of ppl (i've never had a playstation so i have to go off of other ppl's opinions) say that while the story is about how the cycle of revenge is bad that the gameplay still rewards it and how that sort of defeats the purpose of the game for them and wanted to know your thoughts on that

happy tlou season 2 renewal <3

YES YES YES you know i’m always up for writing a paragraph (or ten)

first, let me just clarify one thing: the main message of the game is not “revenge is bad”. i hear people say this constantly and it’s just not true. the real message is all about forgiveness. if i had to boil it down to its essentials, i’d say the message is “love is a stronger force than hate.” but that’s just one interpretation!

i don’t feel that the gameplay rewards the cycle of revenge at all. abby kills joel and in return, she systematically loses everyone she cares about – leah, nick, jordan, nora, manny, yara, mel, and owen... plus she will never be allowed to go home to the WLF again. lev loses his entire family and community too. and they’ve both experienced unspeakable horrors while they were held captive by the rattlers. abby was punished for her decision at literally every turn. but she keeps fighting to survive because she has found a much stronger reason than hate to stay alive: love. protection. family. the first time she ever has a happy dream of her father, after years of nightmares, is when she saves yara and lev. killing joel didn’t give abby closure, but finding something to fight for did. it’s the exact same thing joel found with ellie.

ellie is not rewarded for her actions either. she’s the one picking off the salt lake crew members one by one, but we see her lose a piece of herself each time. she’s not experiencing catharsis, she’s only spiraling deeper into obsession and grief. she can’t appreciate anything good in her life, because she’s still consumed by everything she’s lost. she walks out on her partner, their baby, and their dream home to chase after this elusive “closure”, knowing that she may die trying. i think ellie herself knows that killing abby won’t make her feel better, but the only alternative is forgiving joel and moving on without him, which she doesn’t feel is possible yet. she has to lose everything before she’s able to accept joel for who he is and what he’s done.

it’s a fucking masterpiece the way that the game makes you think joel and ellie’s last conversation was a fight, until they reveal that actually, their last conversation was ellie offering him an olive branch. “i don’t think i can ever forgive you for that. but... i would like to try.” is so impactful because ellie never got the chance to forgive joel while he was alive. even while she was trying to avenge his death, she couldn’t forgive him. it’s only when she has lost herself that she can finally forgive him, and perhaps she can even understand him. that forgiveness has nothing to do with abby or anyone else – it’s all about ellie. it’s about love.

as for my personal opinions about tlou2, they haven’t changed much. i loved it when i played it the first time and i love it even more now!! i greatly appreciate the sheer balls they had, and the fact that they never changed their creative vision to make the game more palatable / marketable. i’ve never seen a game make such an unpopular choice and i respect the fuck out of them for doing it no matter what anyone said. i love joel but i’m glad he died because it gave rise to one of the most impactful stories i’ve ever had the pleasure of experiencing 💖

(special mention to the fact that the main character is a lesbian, which is something i would never even think to wish for because it’s so uncommon in games of this genre. ellie is everything i’ve ever wanted from gay rep, meaning that she’s literally just existing as a gay person and her sexuality has hardly anything to do with the plot. i fucking love how she has a detailed story, a rich personality, and complicated relationships while she just happens to be a lesbian. it’s literally perfect, no notes!)

[hiddlewhore]

Proud of you

Warnings: smut. Idc if you're not 18+ but be at least 15+ ty

Summary: after the premiere of shang chi and the legend of the ten rings. You have some fun and reward him for being such a good boy ;)

A/n: to the ppl who requested stuff. I'm kinda having a writer's block on those and I was just so excited to write this one so I hope yall don't mind. Also this is kinda gender neutral I think?

"U ready babe?" My boyfriend asked and I replied with "Yeah just a second."

In a few minutes we would stand on the red carpet for the premiere of simu's new film. The first Asian character with his own movie in the mcu. It's so special to him and he's been so excited for weeks. Well for years actually.

I walked down the stairs and simu was waiting for me in the living room. He saw me and his jaw dropped. "W...wow you look so...sexy..." I blushed and stepped closer to him. "And you look soo handsome. Gosh if we didn't had to go right now, I would've literally jumped on you and fucked you on the couch." I said and he laughed. "We still have some time" He smirked and his face was close to mine. I grabbed his cheek with my hand and smiled. "If we get home, I promise." I winked and kissed him. His hands rubbed my back and wandered to my butt. He softly rubbed it and looked at me with sparkles in his eyes. "I love you." He whispered softly. "I love you too but we really need to go now." I said and he nod. He opened the door of the car like a real gentleman and we left.

**

Cameras were flashing, interviewers were asking simu questions, fans were asking for pictures...everything was so cool and simu was an absolute sweetheart throughout all of this. And he was just so happy to be here. Him talking about inspiring little Asian kids made my eyes water. Gosh I'm so lucky to call him mine. He held me as much as possible. His hand was on my hip the whole time and he would sometimes kiss me for a picture.

**

We finished watching the movie and it was better than I ever expected. The visual effects, the story line, him...everything was perfect. I was so proud of him. I often looked away from the screen to look at simu. His hand was holding mine the whole time, his eyes fixed on the movie and his mouth was forming a big smile. But I must say, when his shirtless scene came up, I was getting kinda hot and I'm pretty sure he noticed. I shifted in my seat and crossed my legs trying to relieve some of the tension that was going on in my pants.

We arrived home and he asked "Hey everything okay" And I snapped out of my thoughts. "What? Yes sorry...I was just thinking" I replied. "About?" He raised an eyebrow and I smiled. "About you obviously..." and a smirk formed on my face. "Good because I was also thinking about you. About all the things I want to do to you right now." "Oh? Well show me then." I said and he bit his lip.

He grabbed my face and kissed me. I opened my mouth and we were making out like crazy. He pushed me against the wall and I felt a weird tingling feeling in my stomach. Oh my god he's so hot. His tongue was exploring my mouth while I took his jacket off. He was only wearing a white shirt now that hugged his muscular body perfectly. I swear I could've just cummed right there and then. He pulled away and we caught our breaths.

"You know that I LOVE you in this beautiful red dress but I really want to see what's under it now so if you don't mind?" I licked my lips and he pulled the straps of my dress down and kissed my shoulder. He was biting and sucking on it definitely leaving marks. He moved to my neck and sucked on my sweet spot. "O-oh y-yes..." I threw my head back and moaned. "Gosh you look so sexy like this" He said and picked me up. While he walked to our bedroom, i started to kiss his neck. "Love, if you don't want me to trip and drop you, I'd stop doing what you're doing right now." I laughed and said sorry when I felt a hard smack on my ass. "Sorry who?" He said with a low voice and I raised my eyebrow. "Really? You want me to call you daddy?" We arrived in our bedroom, he threw me on our bed and whispered in my ear. "Yes, if you want to cum, you have no other choice."

His words sent shivers down my spine and I grew wetter with the second. I've never seen his so dominant before. I liked it but it was his big day and I wanted to take care of him. I pulled him with me on the bed and got on top of him. His eyes widened and I kissed him. I bit his lip and whispered "not today baby boy, I'm gonna make you feel good. It's your day."

"But I want to make you feel goo-" I cut him off with another kiss while my hands took his pants and his shirt off revealing his toned abs.I took his dick out of his white boxers and rubbed it. Pre-cum leaked from his tip and I sucked on it making him groan. My tongue swirled around it and his hand flew to my hair grabbing my locks tightly. "D-don't s-stop l-love..." He moaned and I felt the same fluttering feeling in my stomach again.

I bobbed my head and tried to get him as much in my mouth as I could. His tip hit my throat and my hand stroked the rest. His head fell back and his eyes were closed. I released him from my mouth and said "look at me when I make you cum pretty boy." He groaned in frustration and I continued sucking him off. His moans and groans grew louder with the second so I knew he was close. I went faster and he grabbed my hair again and shoved my head all the way down on his dick and came in my mouth. He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. I swallowed his cum and he smiled. His hand grabbed a strand of my hair and put it behind my ear. "You're so beautiful like this...I could look at you forever. And seeing you swallowing all my cum makes me so..."

I licked his abs, his neck and finally kissed him again. Him tasting himself on my tongue. "Gosh babe you'll be the death of me." "If it makes you feel good, gladly." We laughed and he looked at me with so much love in his eyes. "What?" I blushed. "I love you so much." He whispered and I whispered back "I love you more."

"And now it's my turn to make you cum." He said and got on top of me.

[plan-d-to-i]

This is the anon who was responsible for asking about the origin of fanon jc… now what is the origin of jc bashing, etc? I feel like I am blessed to see fanfic from these tags adding up over time, don’t get me wrong, but do we really need to tag jc bashing for like our fanfic if let’s say we write him unfavorably for only five chapters because he is irrelevant to the story and he never appears again outside of the five chapters? What is the measurement for jc bashing? Some authors wrote jc being his canonical asshole self and doesn’t tag their fanfic because maybe jc is only mentioned, or cameo of him that adds nothing to the story etc. Some authors just wrote canon divergence and stories pertaining their canon characterization including jc and they don’t tag bashing as well, because they state that they wrote fanfic from the MXTX chinese novels or english translation but since it’s canon characteristics and let’s say the fanfic is 60 or 50 chapters and jc only appears in around ten chapters or more or less, and even then his appearances are brief, he only played major role once, twice, or maybe just irrelevant in there, like how do we even know the standard of the so-called bashing because in Lofter if we read jc bashing it’s literally really bashing as in like PIDW Airplane making fun of SJ and trolling him with karma stuff etc and something like that. AO3 english since coming to Lofter for fanfics had left me in a confusing I don’t know where to tag or how to tag this so-called bashing when you write canon characterization and have different standards of AO3 vs Lofter tagging system. I hope you don’t mind me airing this out or ranting in your ask.

air away :) This is a canon jc safe space lmao

I mean at this point I just tag almost everything I write about jc, jiang cheng. Unless I'm just daydreaming about his painful premature departure from this world...actually scratch that I just remembered this dog post I wrote a few days ago. He's an antagonist and an irritating little shit who shows zero growth, not to mention a fictional character so ?? What am I supposed to tiptoe around at this point? The block button is there for a reason. I find it hilariously self involved when jc stans are like TAKE IT OuT OF HISSSS TAGS!!!!!1111 >:-//// Let's be honest it's all about control for them. They just want to control what other ppl do. You don't see me going on their page telling them to take their trash "jc is the bEsT uNcLe to Sizhui the kid whose whole family he butchered it wOuLd b SOoo cUte whEn hE thReaTenS to BrEak hiS LEgs" out of the Sizhui tag.

And yes I think canon jc should just be tagged jiang cheng in fics. canon jiang cheng at best. But 'jc bashing'? When oftentimes it's STILL slightly softened canon? Nah. If it says "jc bashing" he better get dropped into an active volcano. What about all the fics where jc is fanon babysadangrygrape that are just tagged jiang cheng? Ain't no warning on that shit. aCtuALLY he'S rough on the outside but he has a toFu hEarTT!! Go in expecting Wangxian fluff and suddenly you're hit by WWX excusing jc's rage & casual homophobia & I'll break ur legs >:-/ bs bc it's his Lurrrve language & they're ‘brOtherS’. 🤢

[marveloussupernerd]

Take care of him - Jumin Han

Warnings: angst, death, NOT a happy ending

Summary: you and Jumin were living a happy life with your baby girl, until an accident happened that put your life on the line

Hi! I wanted to put it out there that this is a heavy topic. I lost my mom when I was still a toddler and so I don’t have any memories of her. So this is quite an emotional thing for me to write but I hope y’all angst ppl enjoy

“Jumin,” you called, poking your head in the door of his home office. You had your daughter on your hip; she was only ten months old but was the light of you and your husband’s life. “When do you think you’ll be done?” You tried to convince him to take a year off for the baby; he couldn’t do that of course. It was selfish to think so. But you didn’t want him to miss a moment of the baby’s first year.

He looked up at you and the baby, a bright smile on his face. “I’ll try and get done soon,” his face fell a little, “but it still might be an hour or so.”

You walked over to him, bending down to kiss his cheek. “Okay!” You directed your attention to the baby. “You say okay dada? Da-da?” You were working on her saying her first words.

She just gurbled a little. Jumin chuckled and leaned in to kiss her. “I’ll be out as soon as possible,” he told you. You went back out to play for a little before she would get tired.

She was fond of the plastic key rings. She liked the sound it made when she shook it. And teething with it, of course. Her second favorite toy was probably her lamby stuffed animal. Or Elizabeth the 3rd, although you weren’t sure if she counted as a toy. It was nice to get her used to the cat, who walked over to sniff her and usually got pulled about by the baby. She dealt with it for her. She even would come over when the baby cried. Elizabeth really was a good cat.

You kept your eye on her as you walked over to fill Elizabeth’s dish for food. And then it happened. “Ma-ma?” She called.

You nearly passed out. You rushed over to her. “Jumin!” You called, hoping he wasn’t in a meeting. You swung her into your arms. “Hi Baby! Did you say Mama? Ma-ma?” You tickled her tummy, making her laugh.

Then you took her to her father. You didn’t even bother knocking this time around. “Guess what!?” You asked excitedly. He turned his chair to focus his attention on you. His eyes were tired but he was still smiling; he always was for the two of you. “She said her first words. You tell Daddy what you said? Mama? Ma-ma? Ma-ma?”

“Mama!” She squealed. Jumin’s face lit up. She giggled and burbled and squirmed. She was so proud of herself.

“Wow! Your first words!” Jumin said excitedly. He stood up from his seat. “This is wonderful!”

“Isn’t it so exciting!?” You were walking on air.

The phone rang. Jumin sighed. “I can get it. You spend some time with her,” you offered, handing her over to her father. He let out a sigh of relief and took her, bouncing her slightly as you went to get the phone.

Press. How did they get your home phone number? You rolled your eyes and hung up, making your way back over to your happy family.

She was crying. Jumin was rocking her, singing softly. He’d never let anyone on the planet hear him sing, spare the two of you. He heard your footsteps and glanced at you. “I feel like she always cries when I hold her.” He sounded slightly frustrated, slightly broken-hearted. “How about I take next week off so we can all spend more time together?”

“That sounds perfect.” You wrapped your arms around his back, nuzzling into his shoulder. Your eyes caught the clock. So that’s why she was crying. “She’s just hungry. Let me go feed her, then she’ll be all happy again.” Jumin passed her off to your arms and she continued crying, clearly ready to eat. Once you got her latched on she was finally quiet.

The next day you weren’t feeling well. Same for the day after. It was probably a million things: feeding the baby, lack of sleep, stress, change in diet from after the baby was born. The doctor had to call in some medicine for you.

You shrugged on a jacket, glancing over at your baby all decked out in a pastel pink winter coat. You knocked on Jumin’s door. “Jumin?” You opened it slightly. “I’m going to the pharmacy to get my medicine. Do you wanna come with us?”

He ran a hand through his hair. He looked exhausted. “I can just send someone to do that for you, Love.”

You couldn’t meet his eye. “I’m... embarrassed about it,” you pouted. “That my whole body is out of wack. I don’t want anyone picking it up. Feels too personal.”

“I wish I could go, but I have a meeting in a few minutes,” he frowned, “Can I have a kiss before you go?”

You laughed, walking over to him to peck him on the lips. “Always,” you whispered. “Love you. Say bye-bye Dada,” you told your baby. She fell silent.

“She’ll get it soon,” Jumin encouraged. You nodded, then headed out.

You strapped her in the car seat and began the drive to the pharmacy. “Dada. Da-da. Can you say dada for me baby?” You encouraged her throughout the drive. What a surprise it’d be to Jumin when she finally got it! You’d just have to keep pushing it.

The car shouldn’t have been there. It shouldn’t have run the red light. It shouldn’t have hit the driver’s seat, sending the car spinning, slamming your front side into a building.

But it was. And it did.

Why were you calling him so soon? Maybe you forgot something at home. Jumin muted himself from the conference call and picked up. “Hi Honey,” he greeted, “I’m still in a meet-“

“Sir? Is this Jumin Han?” That wasn’t his wife’s voice. His heart dropped. His mouth was dry.

“Yes it is.”

Silence. For too long. Every second felt like an hour.

“Your wife has gotten into an accident. Her and the baby are still breathing, but she’s in and out of consciousness. We’re taking them to the hospital. Do you give permission for them to be operated on if necessary?”

And for once, he had no words.

Words used to fly freely from his mouth. Compliments came naturally to him. He always knew what to say. He was raised from birth on how to speak and articulate everything flawlessly. But now he couldn’t speak.

“Sir?”

“Yes. Yes, of course.” What was once slow-motion was finally back to real-time, which felt like a million miles an hour compared to how it was. “What hospital?”

“Saint Joe’s.”

“On my way.”

He hung up the phone. Unmuted himself. “I have a family emergency. We can continue this later.” Didnt wait for a response. Left the call. Forgot a coat. Couldn’t wait for Driver Kim. Drove himself to a hospital. You were a good driver. He was a bad driver. He cursed the world that he made it to the hospital safely. Why did you get in an accident but he didn’t? You were the careful one. Why didn’t you call Driver Kim? He was angry at the world.

You were in surgery when he arrived. They were running tests on his daughter. She appeared pretty unscathed. You had put her on the passenger’s side; a move that saved her life. She never would have survived if she had been on the other side of the car.

She was okay. They gave her to him. She was in his arms. She was okay.

You had gotten out of surgery. They had to monitor you to see if it was successful, but you were out and coming to consciousness.

“...Jumin?” You whimpered, opening your eyes. Your body felt like it was on fire. But he was there, holding your baby. The baby was okay. “Am I dreaming?” You choked out. Were you both really okay?

A tear fell down his cheek. He walked over to you. “You’re not dreaming. She’s okay. And you’re here. You’re here with me. You’re okay,” he whispered. He was afraid if he spoke aloud his voice would crack.

“Oh.” You sighed. “Good.”

And then the waterworks hit. You were crying. “I didn’t mean to. I endangered us. The car came out of nowhere Jumin. I didn’t know what to do! Is the other person okay too?”

He hadn’t even thought to ask. He’d find out later. That wasn’t the main concern. Right now, he was here with you and with the baby, and that was all that mattered.

“They’re keeping you tonight to make sure the surgery was successful,” he stated simply. He couldn’t even listen to his own words. He had been so frightened. But you made it. Of course it was successful. You were breathing and crying and smiling in front of him.

“Take her home.”

He frowned harshly. “I can’t leave you here.”

You frowned right back at him. “She’s going to be hungry soon. She needs you with her. Don’t make her stay with someone unfamiliar, or stay somewhere as strange as this after all she’s been through.”

He sighed. “You’re right.”

“I know I am.”

He kissed your forehead. He took her hand and made her wave. They left.

Your body was on fire. A constant pain. A constant ache that couldn’t go away, no matter how much morphine they gave you.

The next morning Jumin was back. His hair was wet. He had showered. She was in a tutu. She looked cute; he had done a good job dressing her. She was grinning and squeaking and flapping her arms. The doctor told you the surgery was unsuccessful.

Money could buy anything... right?

Another surgery. It was dangerous. There was a lot of internal bleeding. But you needed it. If you didn’t get it, you wouldn’t last more than 3 days. Jumin’s face was stoic. “What are the chances of success?”

“10%,” the doctor said simply, as though this was nothing new or shocking.

“And what if we’re in the 90%?” Jumin fired back. The doctor didn’t answer. He couldn’t meet your eye. That was an answer enough for you.

You looked at Jumin. Put on a smile. Smile. Smile. “10% is 1 in 10. I’m healthy. I eat well, I exercise. We need to do it,” you encouraged him. You never told him about the fire you felt every time you breathed. He didn’t need to know.

“Okay.” You could hardly hear his voice. “Okay.”

The doctor would prep the room for surgery. It would be about an hour. Jumin’s face was crumpled. He was trying so hard to keep it in.

“Hey,” you nudged him. You forced yourself to be optimistic, because what else could you be? “Go get a coffee.”

“I can’t leave you right now. There’s only an hour.”

“Yeah, an hour and then I’ll be gone for a few and then a whole lifetime. Go get a coffee. You look tired.” You weren’t lying. He seemed exhausted. You didn’t think he got any sleep. “And get roses maybe.”

“You want roses?” He smiled.

You laughed. Fire in your gut. “Duh. I’m gonna be here for a few days at least. It’ll liven the place up.”

“Okay. How many?” He put a smile on his face too.

“I don’t know... however many you feel like. I’ll even take the baby so you can pick out in peace.” You held your arms out to take her. Jumin carefully set her in your arms. “I missed holding her last night.”

“I’ll be right back. I love you.” He gave you a peck on the lips.

“I love you more.”

And then it was just you and the baby. You could finally let your eyes water. “1 in 10 is still good chances, Baby,” you told her. You knew she couldn’t understand. But you wanted to tell her. “But the way I feel right now... I don’t feel very good.”

You kissed her little cheek. “I’m so happy I could bring you into this world. Make you laugh and speak and crawl. Feed you in the middle of the night. Protect you from that car. I don’t care if it hurt me instead. I protected you.”

Tears were falling. Dripping onto her cheeks. You wiped furiously at your eyes. This wasn’t fair to anyone. “I’m... if I’m okay then you can forget this ever happened. You won’t remember anyways. If I’m gone today you’ll never remember me. I will only live in photographs and old interviews and stories your father will tell. It’ll be hard to grow up without a mother. You’ll panic when you get your first period and Daddy is no help at all. I hope they’ll step up and help you... all our friends. Just... be there for him. Okay? He will watch you grow and teach you so much but... you take care of him too. He’ll get a million things wrong. But he made you. And that was right. And that’s enough for me to know he will take care of you.”

Jumin remembered flowers made you sneeze. If they didn’t make your nose so itchy he would have bought the whole gift shop of flowers. That would have been inconsiderate to other families. He bought baby pink lilies, carrying them up in their pretty vase.

“Hi,” you smiled, greeting him as he entered. You were happy you had stopped talking to the baby when you did. Your tears were all wiped away. You were presentable enough to not show your husband your fear. He set the flowers down next to you. “Those are beautiful.”

“I thought... since she likes pink so much, they’d remind you of her when she goes home at night and you have to stay here,” he shrugged. He put on a smile.

You scooted over in your bed, which was easier said than done. “Come sit with me until they’re ready.” You patted the spot on the bed next to you. “I’m a little nervous.”

“I am too... but you said it yourself. It’ll be okay.” He was smiling again. None of his smiles were genuine. They hadn’t been since he walked through that door this morning.

You looked at him. His mind was clearly racing. He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you close. “You can tell me you’re scared,” you whispered.

“I... I can’t raise her alone.” He buried his face into your neck. Tears soaked the collar of your hospital gown. “I can’t even hold her for ten minutes without her crying.”

“She’s a baby, Jumin. She cries every ten minutes in general.” You couldn’t cry. You focused on your baby’s eyes, shut as she napped in your arms. “I’ll fight my absolute hardest, Jumin. You can’t get rid of me as easily as you think.” If you had to leave this world... you wanted his last memories of you to be happy.

When they came to get you, he kissed you. Once, twice, three times. You kissed the baby. And all you could think was you couldn’t be done. You didn’t formally say goodbye to him. You hadn’t talked to any of the RFA members. You didn’t ask Jaehee to help with your daughter just in case. You didn’t even tell Elizabeth goodbye on your way out last time. You’d have to come back and do it then.

He almost dropped the baby when they told him you didn’t make it. She was so calm. She was still asleep. Her eyes were shut, her mouth smiling slightly. Didn’t she know? Couldn’t she feel the loss of her mother?

He couldn’t believe it at first. He couldn’t talk to anyone. They sent him back to your room to collect your things.

Those pink lilies. He should have gotten something tangible. Something he could selfishly take with him to remind himself of you. These flowers would die. You only got to see them for a few minutes. It was stupid. He’d leave them there.

Your phone. Your phone. The one they called him from to give him the news. It wasn’t even cracked. It still had your smudged fingerprints on it from constant use. How could that accident have broken you completely and leave the phone unscathed!?

He didn’t realize he had thrown it until it clattered on the ground. He was still holding his child in one hand. He needed to be more careful. He had so much rage though...

He needed to be careful.

He bent down and picked up the phone.

It was still spotless. No cracks, not even from being thrown against the cinderblock wall.

He fell, leaning against said wall, holding his daughter in his arms. It was stupid. It was unfair. He was the richest man in the country and he couldn’t save you. What was the point of money if it didn’t do what he needed it to do?

He cried.

She opened her eyes. She still wasn’t crying. She still was as innocent as she had been yesterday, before the accident. As though she knew nothing new. As though nothing had changed. But so much had.

To her, only one thing had. She knew a new word.

“Da-da?”

If anyone wanted the grand total, I cried 18 times while writing this. Tell me if you cried or if I am just dramatic

On a more personal level, the first memory I have is buying pink lilies for my mom the day she died. No memories of her, only of those pink lilies. My sister bought a bear and got to take it home. Every day I think of how I have no momentos of her, just the image of those stupid pink lilies I’m cryin in da club

[astralaffairs]

w/ midnight approaching i j wanna let yall know that this blog was genuinely the best part of my 2020. it's been a hellish year, but getting to meet & know writers like @deja-you (girl ur writing has a SPECIAL place in my heart istg. i know we don't talk much but ur presence on this site and on ur blog makes my life a lil brighter. even if the feeling isn't mutual i think of u as a good friend 💞❣) @daveeddiggsit (an actual ray of sunshine 🥺) @iknowthekoolaidflavor @wreakhavoconmacroissantdiggs @tinywhim & @biafbunny all of whose works ive been reading for as long as (or longer than) ive been writing for this fandom has been so incredible and heart warming <3 ur all such damn sweethearts and ilu

& then there have been the new mutuals that have popped up and brightened my life like @commandersmiley @braidedchallah @ramp-it-up & @moondustmemories @summerofsnowflakes @raiseaglasstothefourofus (i know we don't chat much but ilu all sm 🥺)

& @id-do-it-for-free-babe @peoniarose @ohsoverykeri-blog (idk where the hyphens go in ur url ill fix it later) & @cloudynblw

then there's @einfachniemand who literally hypes me more than ANYONE else and is probably the most supportive person on this entire goddamn site ❣💕 i would give u the world if i could but alas i do not have that kind of power

and @youunravelme whose asks and notifs MAKE MY ENTIRE LIFE. u don't even know and i can't explain bruh i get like 80% of my serotonin from getting notifs from u and hearing ur thoughts in my inbox. it's the absolute best. u have made my 2020 like 80% better. i can't emphasize this enough you make me so happy.

and maybe (just maybe) im abt to mention @tinywhim again who is absolutely the kindest most gracious person alive i swear 🥺 also she wrote my absolute outright favorite thom fic that i have ever read (and yes, i have read quite a number of them since 2016) and im now enamored w demon!thom

and ofc @the-lost-marauder 🥰🥰 as much as i adore every single one of my followers and mutuals, ur by far one of my favorite ppl to hear from on this site. your thanksgiving ball oneshot is still one of my favorite things to read on here and u have absolutely excellent energy. i feel like we'd probably vibe irl (also pls more secret relationship vp!thom content!!! pl ease !!!!!! i need it asap)

and yes im abt to mention @deja-you again bc she's such a fucking sweetheart. the literal embodiment of sunshine and cotton candy. idk what else there is to say here u just have the purest vibes i feel like ur the type of person to save a cat from a tree or have a bird land on ur shoulder. u just have that energy 🥺💫 then again you outright broke my heart w foreign affairs so idk i might have to retract all that 😤

& special s/o to @fentinatalin for having shitty taste in men. that's all.

jk jk ily natalie 🤧❣ have i ever told u that when u hmu on ig i almost didn't dm u back bc it gave me anxiety and i thought you'd think i was uncool on main??? anyway im glad i did hit u back bc ur a ridiculously excellent friend and i frequently forget ive only known u for a couple months???? i realized recently that ive picked up some of ur texting habits and idk how to feel abt it . anyway ily thanks for existing

also mega shoutout to @maniacmichele bc ik i haven't answered ur graph theory ask but that's bc ive been watching math yt videos to try and dissect it until i can figure out wtf it all means. ur smart as shit and i am in awe of ur math brain ty for taking the time to explain that graph theory thing bc i have spent literal hours nerding out over it

also to @marioverthere bc i know we don't talk much anymore (FUCK time zones) but meeting you and getting the chance to know u literally made me so happy (also ur the reason i started staying current w/ the hk protests so ty ao much for making me aware of that darling)

and to @softclowninghours for having THE PUREST energy. u probably give excellent hugs i can just feel it. i just know it.

and then all my anons w ur lil emojis and signatures, who i love and cherish -- i won't try to list all of u bc i WILL forget some and im not tryna do u like that but some honorable mentions:

🐥 anon, for being like half the reason i ever touch my draft of lobsterback (ur my motivation, inspiration, muse, etc. thanks honey)

🍬 anon, for being absolutely fucking adorable and an enormous sweetheart

🐺 anon, for being friendly as hell and also kinda fucking hilarious. ur asks always make me smile

💙🖤 anon, for being so so so damn kind and supportive all the fucking time (ily)

there are so many people and blogs and anons that have made an impression on me this year, so believe me when i say this is very, very, VERY incomplete; if we've ever talked, or you've sent me an ask, or you've ever interacted with my post, you deserve a spot up here so pls forgive me for having 3 neurons and not remembering to mention u as i hastily write this post

literally though i love and appreciate every single one of you so much. this sounds like a huge platitude but i don't know how else to say it because there are genuine thousands of u who id list if i had more time or energy. you're all excellent. thank you so much for being alive at the same time as me.

also s/o to disney and lin for releasing the obc tape bc fr thats the only reason this fandom came back to life

+ also HUGE shoutout to the person who venmoed me ten bucks for the fotp smut. i don't have ur tumblr @ since u sent everything on anon but yk who you are; your generosity means the world to me and i hope the smut lived up to ur hopes and expectations

++ also the anon who encouraged me to actually write my art museum au 😌❣ ik it isn't up yet but ive been loving it so much and i hope u like it when it drops

[afterjosephine-blog1]

victoria pedretti, she/her, cis female ✧*:･ﾟdid you see josephine “jo” walker the twenty-seven (104) year old ghost walking around halloweentown? they’re known as the romantic, makes sense since they tend be quite sentimental & mystical. they work as a florist & (failed) poet and spend a lot of time at halloweentown cemetery listening to what are you doing new year’s eve? by ella fitzgerald. they’ve always reminded me of new flowers on a decaying gravestone, a fallen chandelier in the middle of a mansion. wonder how they’re taking all the disruption in the town. ( may, 19, she/her, est )

triggers: death (she is a ghost), (mass?) murder, suicide

disclaimer: i’m bad at math and figuring out years and ages required a lot more math than i was ready for, so i’m hoping i get my timeline right ! pray for me !

born in 1915 (march 5, 1915 to be more exact - gotta get that chart), josephine’s family (the ‘nickname’ didn’t come in until later) came from generations of money earned and establishment garnered. also i have no clue what i just wrote i’m writing this first bullet last asdfhjl

when she was six, she had her first encounter with the dead or dying. she’d come across a baby bird who’d been pushed out of his nest too early and, unable to find the nest itself, decided she would pick it up and cradle it in her hands until it evidently passed on. it looked at peace. 

this is unnecessary information, but it’s good to note.

anyway, if you have the money, why not spend it? when josephine was seven, the walkers moved into a victorian mansion. the patriarch was fully under the belief that he would be the next nathaniel hawthorne –– he wasn’t worried about the family going broke while he forced them to let him focus on his writing, what considering all of the money they had at the time had been simple inheritance from generations of walkers.

(kind of important to note that the victorian era was actually... pretty recent? it ended in 1901 and this is all going down in 1922 so!)

within the mansion, they also has some much needed help –– it came with two butlers, two nannies, two maids, and two groundskeepers. they seldom had any use for the nannies.

there was definitely something off, though, and that ‘off’-ness just kept increasing over time. her mother claimed to hear things. she and her siblings claimed to see things. her father began retreating into himself... 

which is why they couldn’t move! he still had work to be done! a great novel doesn’t write itself in one year, silly! they couldn’t leave! he still needed advice!

i don’t want this intro to get super long so we’ll skip ahead about a year. suffice it to say that everyone was still on their bullshit. 

in 1925, when josephine and her twin brother were 10, her older sister was 12, and her older brother was 14, her dad full-on “heeeere’s JOHNNY”d them, then killed himself.

josephine and her twin brother (who’ll just be referred to as ‘her brother’ from this point forward) were the lone survivors of the walker family. as 10y/os, they both still fit in plenty of places that their father could never.

that being said, one of the maids had also made it unscathed. an agreement was made: they helped clean up the mess – she just couldn’t handle messes! – she would act as their guardian. josephine knew they were probably doing something wrong by cleaning it all up – cleaning up a whole-ass crime scene that included their family members – before any authorities arrived, but was she in too much shock to argue? maybe so.

after that, there were zero buyers. it was already expensive, but now there’d been a mass murder? who. 

considering the maid never left the grounds, this did put her out of work. they still had the walker inheritance to fall back on, something that had been unlocked to josephine and her brother five years later, but that was it.

we’re gonna skip ahead a little bit because this is getting long. all that’s happened of note between now and the next bullet: the maid literally never left the grounds. jo began getting called jo. she tried to go to college using some of the inheritance then dropped out. she trained to become a florist.

throughout the next many years of her life, jo began trying her hand at poetry. she ultimately failed at it, but... some people just really don’t know how to market themselves. even past attempting to truly become one, she continued writing in the hope that she might finally –– after over ten years –– make peace with the massacre.

by the time she was 25, she’d gotten married. by the time she was 25, she’d pushed everything to the back-burner. by the time she was 25, she hadn’t seen or thought of the maid in years. by the time she was 25, she was discussing starting a life with her new husband.

by the tail end of her life at 25, her brother had died.

because this is a wanted connection on the main, i’m going to leave the cause unclear.

just when she thought she’d gotten over everything, as emeril would say, ‘bam!’

her husband and friends tried to be of help, but it got to the ‘beyond’ point when she started seeing her brother

another note: on the wanted connection blurb, i made it utp whether he was ~haunting~ her or if she was just hallucinating, so we also gonna make that unclear!

two years, a divorce, and multiple burned bridges later –– jo thought she finally knew what had to be done to get it to stop. she had ‘rationalized’ it as best as she could. in a lot of lore, ghosts couldn’t move on to the next plane of existence until they’d made peace with something or other. maybe there was something integral about her?

so she greeted the maid who hadn’t aged a day in the past 27 years, then proceeded to hang herself.

 this would be kind of bittersweet tragic if it’d actually worked.

 instead, this bitch was suddenly just looking at her own body like “FUCK. I REALLY DID THAT FOR NOTHING.” and gained this sick scar that wrung around her neck like the noose had.

the maid was like “i mean ur never gonna have to worry about aging now tho so??”

as it turned out, they were just in the middle of plenty of families who’d gone mad and died in that house... as she had only figured out after she killed herself.

boy, was she mad!

all of this partial humor out of the way, for the next decades upon decades, she was at a loss. the maid said that, yes, she was physically capable of leaving, but why would she when it felt so magnetic anyway?

with this in mind... jo left. it took an extremely long time to understand how to turn visible, and then even longer to understand how to turn invisible again. apparently she didn’t need doors – like, that was new.

anyway. once she had gained an understanding of what she could and could not do (rest in peace, salt), she began just... doing everything she’d been doing while she was alive... over and over again...

every morning, she made bouquets that she wasn’t paid for. every afternoon, she visited the cemetery to lay them on the most derelict graves. every night, she went back to the mansion.

did she need to find a purpose in her ‘life’ in order to move on? was there something she needed to make peace with? or was she doomed to ‘live’ forever, doing the same things, feeling trapped by the same place?

and that, my friends, is where we leave off.

personality, we’re just going to use various tests/ideas: i knew she was a pisces, kae said she sounded like a scorpio moon – so pisces sun, scorpio moon, capricorn rising (i have a birth chart now) ; total and complete enneagram type 4 ; i honestly don’t use mbti that much anymore but probs infp ; i’m undecided between hufflepuff and gryffindor... then again, i never read the books i just know she isn’t a slytherin and ppl always forget about ravenclaw ; i think melancholic? possibly phlegmatic? j definitely not choleric or sanguine

my mind! it’s so powerful!

connection ideas:

twin brother wc is on the main !

her ex-husband... but make him some immortal or undead being that, therefore, would still be alive.

other writers she’s met through the years, be they in ‘recent’ years ( any time after 1942 adhsjfl ) or in what she’d consider to be ‘her’ years.

idk just. friends. some pretty loose stuff!

any type of connection can be w/ any gender btw!

i’m. not great at wcs, but i’ll keep them coming!

i’m also so open to brainstorming or checking yours out!

like this or hmu to plot !

*my discord is also @ john donne’s whore#5590 if you prefer discord! psa that it literally won’t let me use the mobile version tho which makes plotting there! harder!

[svtntntn]

winner +

street racer!wonwoo x you

let's get this revved up, shall we?

jeon wonwoo was a quiet guy in high school

he stayed focused on his studies, kept his head down and out of trouble, walked home and took the bus to school, the internet cafe and to his part time job at the cat cafe

but college was where he went kinda wild thanks to his best friends mingyu, minghao, and junhui

gyuhao were the ones who introduced him to the world of street racing as they were both up and coming racers with consistent records

junhui helped in organizing races and getting gyuhao into the more competitive circuits but his connections as a mechanic really helped connect them to the svt crew

the svt crew was started by the famous racers choi seungcheol and kwon soonyoung, who handpicked some of the best racers and mechanics to be in their crew

and bc gyuhao wanted to prove they have what it takes to be in svt, they taught wonwoo how to race and drive competitively so they could all practice and join together

and bc of wonwoo's gaming skills and his smarts, he was able to pick everything up fast

it was seungcheol and soonyoung's main mechanic jihoon who scouted them out at a race, who happened to also be in the same advanced mechanical engineering class as wonwoo at uni

but jihoon reassured them that they've had their eyes on them for awhile and wanted all of them to join

and so the four of them were warmly invited into the svt crew, meeting mechanics seokmin, jeonghan and hansol, race organizers seungkwan and joshua, and another racer named chan

they've become a small family in the garage of seungcheol, soonyoung and jihoon's house :’)

and even tho wonwoo's a part of one of the best racing crews around, he still retains the same fashion sense and humble demeanor from long ago

wears his cozy sweaters and hoodies and glasses to the races and doesn’t really care if he looks out of place bc 1) he needs his glasses to drive and 2) it's cold at night 

he's usually leaning against his car under the street lamp with a book open before the races begin

and that's how you first spot him

you work the evening shifts at a restaurant with chan, who's loud and energetic and always telling crazy stories when it's slow

and he said he was a street racer and raced in the streets after work with his crew

and you honestly thought he was making up stuff bc there's no way street racing is still a thing so you call out chan's bluff and he persuades you to come with him after work to an event he's racing in

and boY were you wrong

the streets are filled with ppl showing off their cars and there's so many headlights shining and ppl everywhere and loud music blasting from speakers

chan pulls up to svt's area, opening the door for you and introducing you to a couple ppl at a time to prove he wasn't bluffing about racing, "some people here are racers, mechanics, organizers, influencers, fans—the whole nine yards" 

chan has this satisfied smirk after you meet with jeonghan and seokmin, "not to say I told you so, but—" 

"okay fine, I believe you, but like... " you smack chan in the arm, "isn't all of this illegal??"

chan is about to introduce you to more of svt when seungkwan calls him over about the race, "(y/n), just stay put right here—wait, let me introduce you to wonwoo, he's right here!" 

wonwoo's head tilts up at the sound of his name and there's you nervously pushed next to him

"wonwoo, (y/n). (y/n), wonwoo! I'll be back!" chan runs off as you stand in awkward silence next to chan's friend who's v into his book

"uh, hi I’m (y/n), I work with chan" 

"wonwoo" he nods and continues reading as you glance around at the masses of ppl and cars and lights flashing everywhere

and this guy reading this hefty novel is clearly out of place like you so you try to make conversation with him, "isn’t all the lights and the music distracting? from concentrating on reading?"

"it used to bother me a lot but I’ve gotten used to it"

"oh, that’s good" you note, peeking down to glance at the book cover but you can't read the title bc his hand's blocking it, "what book are you reading?"

"my book? oh," wonwoo proceeds to tell you the title and starts giving you a summary about it before you interrupt him

"wait, I've definitely read that before! I read it last year and fell in love with everything! the narration, the writing, the adventure of it all! oh my gosh, the ending—"

wonwoo smile gets wider and wider but then his eyes bug out, "don't tell me the ending! I'm not finished!"

you laugh at his expression and he actually puts his novel away, tucking his kitty cat bookmark into it and holding it against his chest, taking more meaningful glances at you as you watch ppl pass you by with a content smile, "so how did you get here?"

"oh, by car"

you hold back the urge to smack him as wonwoo pretends to hide behind his book, "I mean, who dragged out you here bc you clearly look like you don't want to be here"

wonwoo deduces that you think he's not a racer and he decides to play along, "uh, my friend mingyu brought me here and minghao, technically both of them and junhui too"

"who?" chan's introduced you to a lot of ppl so you're not sure who is who anymore

wonwoo straightens up and points to his best friend who is leaning against a white car of his own, "that guy, the one in the shiny jacket over there"

"who?" you lean and stretch your body to see who wonwoo is talking about but you can't see bc there's a crowd of girls surrounding his friend

you try stepping to the side to get a good look but you're accidentally shoved aside as more ppl run past you, pushing you into someone else

and of course, that someone else is of another crew, one of svt's main rivals

"hey, what's your deal?" the man lightly pushes you off him, and looks at you like he's immediately repulsed by you, "aren't you… something, who let you in here?"

wonwoo comes up behind you, "let it go, eric. she ran into you by accident"

"she your girl?" eric blatantly checks out you, "you could do better way, way better, jeon"

before wonwoo even says another word, you're V OFFENDED, "excuse me? you have no right to say anything about me or any other woman for that matter, beauty is not a competition about someone else doing or being better than another—"

"oh god," eric interrupts you and waves you off, "jeon, collect your girlfriend" 

wonwoo narrows his eyes at eric, "don't talk to her like that"

eric scoffs and rolls his eyes, "go back to your deadbeat car, driving miss daisy"

"hey I'm not done talking to you, you!" you're trying to get at eric again, but wonwoo pulls you away back to where his car is in svt's zone

"(y/n), come on. he's not worth it" your temper is still cooling off and you're glaring knives into eric but wonwoo blocks your vision of him and gently places his hands on your shoulder, "don't listen to him, anyone would be lucky to have you. I just met you but you seem really intelligent and sweet and you're really pretty and eric's just being—"

"a stupid jerk who has no respect for women and is clearly an obnoxious piece of sh—"

"yes yes, he is all that" he agrees, "but you're okay though, right?"

wonwoo is still concerned from when you were first pushed aside and you're about to answer him when minghao comes up behind him, "wonwoo! the race is about to begin in ten, you ready?" 

"y-you’re a racer?" your eyes are wide and you're just confused, "wait, this is your car? that you drive yourself? and race in?"

"yeah, is something wrong with that?"

"uh, you just—you don't look like you'd be a racer? no offense! I just—I mean, everyone I've met is showing off their cars and talking to ppl and you're just reading your book by your car and everyone is dressed up and stuff and you're wearing just a hoodie and your glasses—which are cute, I mean cool—" you take a deep breath before you expel anymore word vomit, "I didn't think you were a racer but you are and that's cool! don't get me wrong!"

wonwoo chuckles at your awkwardly cute ramble going at the speed of light and how you fumble with your hair as you talk

just then minghao and junhui and everyone interrupt your bubble and start prepping wonwoo and chan for the race and you almost get lost in the back of the crowd

seokmin and jeonghan pull you closer to their group and you watch chan and wonwoo drive their cars to the starting line with two other cars

as soon as the flag is dropped, everyone takes off and there's the smell of hot rubber on the asphalt and smoke in their tracks

hansol and seungkwan make conversation with you as everyone just waits for wonwoo and the others to return, with mingyu popping in every so often to study you bc hello who are you talking to his best friend earlier like

someone shouts that they can see one of the cars coming back in the distance and when everyone crowds the finish line again, mingyu holds you back from falling face first

but he also lets go of you when him and svt see that it's wonwoo's car that passes the line first and then chan's and then their rivals

you try to get close to chan and wonwoo, but everyone is crowding them, you decide to fall back near minghao and hansol, who are waiting out the victory

when you go up to wonwoo, he's leaning against his car proudly but when he spots you, wonwoo straightens up off his car

"congrats! I'm not sure what you win in a street race, but congrats on whatever that is!" wonwoo is amused by your positivity and he can't stop smiling either

"thanks (y/n), I'm happy to just do well" him and you are just standing together next to his car when minghao, junhui and chan come by and congratulate wonwoo

chan is acting like a sore loser bc he reasons "second place is losing first" but you cheer on that he did well and promise to buy him dinner when he takes you home

and wonwoo frowns on the inside bc he lowkey wanted to ask if you wanted to get food with everyone but you did have to get home soon and chan was the one who brought you to the race, so you did have to leave with him

they all start talking about the race and their cars so you stay quiet, but wonwoo is subtly making faces at you to keep you entertained 

after awhile, more and more ppl are going past you guys and they all start up their cars and drive away, making you question what's going on

minghao and junhui leave to see what's happening but then joshua and hansol rush to you all, "the cops are coming! meet us back at the house"

you're lost as what to do, but chan pulls you away to the passenger seat of the closest car, which happens to of course, be wonwoo's car

wonwoo is already in the driver's seat when chan yells for him to take care of you till they all meet up at the house, apologizing for shoving you into his car 

he drives off and he keeps his eyes on the road in front of him, obeying all the traffic laws while you nitpick at your jacket 

he lets you pick out the music to play in his car and he hums along to the music you chose:)

when wonwoo stops at an intersection, he turns into the lot for a fast food place, prompting you to ask, "you want to stop to get food as we drive away from an illegal street race that you won?"

wonwoo meekly nods his head, "aren't you hungry tho?"

"I mean, yeah... I will never say no to food"

you both order your late night cravings in the drive thru and before you start digging into your meal, you remember you're in wonwoo's probably v expensive, suped up racing car, "wait, is it okay to eat in your car?"

"huh? yes, go ahead" 

"are you sure?"

"no, I’m wonwoo" you groan at his joke and he laughs it off before he reiterates again it’s cool to eat in his car and you hesitantly start eating

as you feed yourself, you notice wonwoo's trying to sneak some fries out of his bag while he drives, so you decide to help feed him

"thanks" he's kinda blushy as you feed him french fries and his nose scrunches up adorably when he focuses on where are the fries are before guiding his mouth to them

for some odd reason (call it coincidence), but a toy is somehow in your bag of food, and it ends up being a miniature trophy!

you hold it up for wonwoo to kinda see as he drives, "look, it can be your trophy from the race!"

wonwoo and you end up talking more about music, school, books and everything you like and dislike as wonwoo drives around

he purposefully takes the long way to the house to talk to you more but mostly it’s also bc he’s lost bc he usually doesn’t take the long way

when he passes by lost cats in the streets, he immediately pulls over the car to see if they’re someone’s missing cat who they can return home or just a stray cat in need of shelter and care

there’s two kittens wandering around about when wonwoo notices them before he turns into the neighborhood

you and him take them into the car and see on their collar that they belong to a family living in the neighborhood and decide to take them home 

"oh my gosh! thank you thank you thank you!" the parents of the little girl thank you two profusely for finding the kittens and their daughter is overjoyed 

"what do you say to the kind couple, soojin?"

"thank you very much, miss pretty lady and mr. handsome man"

"soojin!" you both laugh and when the parents offer you money as a reward, you two kindly refuse but they give you a little bit anyways

"thank you so much, I hope you two have a good night!" as you and wonwoo walk back to his car, you definitely agree that it’s been a great night:)

when you two pull up to seungcheol, jihoon and soonyoung's house, everyone and especially chan is like "where have you two been! we thought the cops got you"

but you guilty hold up the fast food bags

"you promised me food" chan pouts, and you give up half of your fries to him as an apology for worrying him

chan decides to take you home and you say goodbye to all the guys before getting into chan's car

but before you go, you hand wonwoo the mini trophy from the fast food bag, "congrats on winning the race tonight, maybe I'll see you around?"

wonwoo grins as you walk away to chan's car, but it's after you leave does wonwoo realizes he forgot to ask you for your number

but when wonwoo checks the mini trophy toy you gave him, where he sees a napkin stuff into the bowl of the trophy

it's from the fast food place but your handwriting is on it: text me when you finish the book! I'd love to talk to you more xx (y/n)

and at the very end is your cell phone number;)

what an great night

street racer jeon wonwoo doesn’t look nor act like your typical racer and you’re perfectly okay with that bc it means you can have the soft man underneath it all to yourself

.

[bigskydreaming]

So random stuff about me and my acting career, apropos of nothing but being bored and having a spare moment. Putting it under a cut, not because it’s super personal or I have a problem with reblogs or anything in this instance, it’s just long and rambly and only of interest if you’re like....actually interested. Idk.

So I was just talking about memory, and I’m weird because in most instances, I actually have a really freaky good memory. It’s not photographic, but it’s still damn good. I can memorize a script fast enough that it gives most of my other actor friends envy, I could draw a floorplan of like, every house I lived in as a kid, but the thing is it’s not automatic. I have to like....make a mental note to lock something in as worth hanging on to. Its not like I look at a page and I have it memorized, but I look at a page and make a mental note like I’m taking a snapshot of it, and then its locked in. 

But bottom line....I have a really really good memory for anything I care about to some degree, for whatever reason I care about it, whether it’s an important life event or a scene by scene breakdown of a fave fanfic I read twenty years ago in high school. Flip side tho....I have an absolutely TERRIBLE memory for anything that doesn’t particularly matter to me and I was never paying that much attention to begin with.

Now, you would think this would work out in my favor overall, as an actor, right? Like I said, I can memorize scripts really quickly and hold onto them for as long as I need to, I never forget a face if it’s someone I like or have a good interaction with, stuff like that.

Buuuuuut....problem is.....I’m also a jaded cynical asshole who super doesn’t give a shit about a lot of key things that most everyone else in the entertainment industry assumes everyone cares about as much as them. Like....say, how famous a person is, or how popular a show or movie is.

I could tell you every little detail I learned in conversation with a super obscure actor I worked with once eight years ago that’s only recently achieved a level of fame or celebrity if that actor was someone I enjoyed working with as a person. But if say, for instance, purely speaking hypothetically, if an actor were someone that I decided I didn’t give a shit about five seconds into our interaction because he came across as Generic Hollywood Douchebag #27? And if that actor was mostly in shows that aren’t to my personal tastes and so aren’t really on my radar, it doesn’t matter how big or famous that actor is, or even if I’ve literally met them three different times on three different projects and been personally introduced to them because I had actual lines with them.....hypothetically I would probably reintroduce myself to them each time as though it were the first time we’d ever met, even though I’m the nameless nobody and they’re the big star, because I simply did not give enough of a shit about them to lock in our previous interactions.

Now, I’m not saying that this scenario has happened, I’m just saying that it hasn’t....not happened. 

And I’ve definitely never been in the super awkward position of only realizing halfway into a three week shoot with a director that the kinda weird random comments the director keeps making to me have to do with the fact that he actually directed me in a commercial years earlier and has been assuming this whole time that I definitely remembered working with him before, whoops.

But yeah, point is, I have a lot of cool or interesting or funny stories from working in Hollywood for like...ten years now, I think? Idk. But they’re all from like...good days on set on projects I enjoyed working with people I liked. I’ve had just as many projects where I literally just showed up for the paycheck, worked with people I didn’t err...particularly care for, and basically just....forgot everything about the job and the experience the minute I walked off set because who needs that shit, you know? Like I mean, yes, I’m petty and spiteful and joke about this all the time, but in reality, I don’t ACTUALLY get super annoyed over every single negative interaction I ever have, I just exaggerate this aspect of me for shits and giggles on tumblr because I’m unneccessarily melodramatic. When it comes to my day to day job, aka working on set on various projects, its just not worth the mental energy to get worked up over a lot of the shit I deal with on a daily basis because like, Ego is EVERYWHERE in Hollywood, and even I do not have the time or energy to be annoyed every time I have to work with a patronizing asshole. So mostly, I just tend to...forget about them. Unless they REALLY get under my skin.

Anyway, this leads to a very weird dichotomy when it comes to talking about my actual career and experiences as an actor. I can totally be guilty of name-dropping and being all oh I know so and so or I worked on this or that, but its not really because I think its super impressive because they’re so famous or whatever. The novelty of working with famous people wears off pretty quick, and like...no matter how big the person you’re working with today is, its not like there isn’t always someone bigger, you know? So when I name drop, it tends to be because I just really like someone as a person or just had a really good time working with them or working on a particular shoot. But then again, flip side.....try and talk to me about a job I didn’t care about, I mean, not a job I HATED but a job I just....wasn’t invested in, just was there for the paycheck, and like....you’ll get a blank stare 99% of the time. 

So, I technically remain pseudo anonymous for the time being on tumblr, not wanting to publicly link this URL to my like....work stuff, that’s because most of you have seen me get enough anon crap from people worked up about fandom drama, that its not worth it to me to risk giving them potential ammunition like that. Considering I.....umm, absolutely have talked a LOT of shit about a couple of movies and shows and actors and directors that I have worked on or with personally because I have no filter lmao. 

(And yes, Kalen is my real name and ppl have found my twitter and writing stuff because of it BUT I use a different name for my SAG name so like, that’s not what I’m on IMDB and stuff as). But because I have no filter and am one of the least subtle people in existence, I actually do end up saying a lot of stuff I probably shouldn’t if I REALLY wanted to remain totally anonymous, because a few people have absolutely figured out stuff I’ve been in and even tracked me down based on stuff I’ve mentioned over the years, lol whoops. And its not really that big a deal because I do have enough common sense....well no, okay let’s put it this way, I do have a firm enough system of prioritizing things for myself that anything I do say out loud, online or in public, is something that I would and have stood by even if it ends up getting me in trouble. Like, its not end of the world type secrecy, its more just....eh, I don’t really want to deal with unnecessary career drama if I don’t have to, so I try to be vague about stuff when I remember to, but I’m not like....obsessively invested in it. If that makes sense?

But the funny thing is, even with friends who do know my real name and I talk to about actual jobs I’ve had, like....half the time I can’t even tell them where to find me, because I genuinely don’t even remember a ton of the stuff I’ve actually been in. I could literally still recite my lines from a role, because that’s important info I needed to get paid for the job and thus I retain it....but in instances where it was just one or two fairly generic scenes without a context clue or me using names to signify who I might be talking to or what show or movie it might be from....I literally do not remember what the actual role itself was, lmao.

Like, I’m not even exaggerating for effect even slightly, this is how weird my brain is. I get residual checks for work I’ve done where I have to like....go hunt down my voucher or contract that matches the dates on the check to figure out what project it was from and try and remember it. Or go through my phone or facebook based off the dates to try and see if I talked to anyone about it that can jog my memory. Because what’s worse is a lot of stuff in Hollywood that isn’t like, a long running TV show, will use a pre-production name or even just go by ‘Untitled (Director’s Name) Project’, so I get a check with the official name of the project on it, and my dumb ass never paid attention to it after I was done working on it so never actually connected the dots.

LOL, I’ve had people I know come to me and be like, hey, were you on this episode of Criminal Minds in Season (I don’t even remember, I forgot AGAIN, jesus)....and I’m like....uh, I don’t think so? Because I hate Criminal Minds but I actually do watch it on Netflix, but in the background of stuff when I’m working on writing or graphic design stuff from home, and so I’m like, uh, I think I would remember if I’d ever worked on Criminal Minds or at least noticed....and then they’re all, no, I swear, that’s you, and they told me the episode number and I looked it up on Netflix and fast forwarded to the time stamp they gave me and I was like....ohhhhhhh, right, yeah that is me. Wait, I remember that shoot, that was Criminal Minds???? Huh. I had no idea.

I’m not even kidding. This is a real, actual conversation I’ve had with a college friend on facebook.

But yeah, it literally happens all the time to me. People will ask me “so what would I have seen you in” and half the time I legit have to tell them “apparently, the stuff you’re most likely to have seen me in, I completely have no idea where to find it.” Because most of the jobs I’ve had that I really enjoyed and remember fondly were for like, indie movies, or pilots that never got picked up, or this was this car commercial I did that only ever aired in European markets, and shit like that. And IMDB isn’t really much of a help because most actors kinda have to manage their own IMDB pages....to get officially credited via SAG, through IMDB Pro and stuff, either you or your agent or manager have to go through the production itself to get confirmation, and it’s a whole hassle and like.....you all know I’m notoriously ADHD right? LOL. 

And I’ve never really had a consistent agent or manager for longer than a couple months, because the level that I’m at career wise, I’ve honestly always done better getting my own work than getting it through agents sending me on auditions. I’ve done two big budget pilots for primetime networks and both of them I got cast because the casting director called me in directly because she remembered me from these three episodes I did on a soap opera eight years ago, random stuff like that and personal networking, that’s how I’ve landed most of my jobs. But that means I’m the only one responsible for maintaining my IMDB page, which given the hoops you have to jump through to get properly credited in a lot of cases, means mine is missing like...a lot. (Also I haaaaate watching myself act on camera, because I’m a perfectionist and super self-critical, so I never seek out my own stuff to watch anyway, I show up, I do the job, I’m done with it, on to the next).

But another example, there’s a pretty popular show that ran on ABC for multiple seasons and is one of the more prominent places where people have seen me and recognized me in something, because like, it’s a one scene role but it’s definitely and clearly me. And so I went to IMDB to check if I was credited for it, because sometimes production does it itself and I don’t always have to do it personally, only....the role is credited....but to some random guy who most definitely is not me. I have no idea who this guy is, I don’t even remember seeing him on that shoot and yes it’s one i actually remember well lol, but from his page it looks like he’s basically a career extra who gets production to credit him when he has significant face time or a nonverbal and nameless but still relevant role - they do that sometimes, so its worth a shot I guess - but anyway, he somehow managed to get credited with my role either by accident or design and I’ve literally been trying for years to get that changed, but since production wrapped years ago it’s a pain hunting the right people down and every time I try and go hey I should finally take care of this, I end up just getting annoyed and go fuck it and give up lmao.

So random funny story to wrap this up........like....six or seven years ago I went down to San Diego to visit my little sister, she’s four years younger than me and so had just graduated college I think. And so I was there for a few days and at one point she wanted to go see this new summer movie that had just come out with Hayden Panettiere in it, that girl from Heroes, though its some other show that my sister was a fan of hers from. I did some stunt work on Heroes once though so that’s what I tend to remember her from, even though I’ve actually worked on a few different things she’s been on.

So anyway, my sister and I are sitting in the middle of the theater watching this movie I’ve never heard of or seen any previews for.....it was one of those generic summer high school/college rom-coms that randomly get sprinkled in amidst summer blockbusters some years. And I’m bored and barely paying attention because I looked up the synopsis before we left and it didn’t grab me and I wasn’t big on any of the cast, so I’m mostly just there to humor my sister because she’s that sibling that every family has where all other siblings fear them. And I’m not like, snoozing or anything, but nothing about the movie is holding my interest so its one of those just kinda...glazed eyes, killing time kinda experiences, and also, parts of it feel very familiar and I’m like....have I seen this before or is it just really really formulaic?

And then my sister full on hits me in the shoulder and hisses “You didn’t tell me you were IN this!” And I’m like, okay first, OW, second....I’m not, I think I would know? And she’s looking at me like I’m the biggest idiot in the world and then gestures super obnoxiously and dramatically (it runs in the family) at the screen and people are starting to look at us, so I’m like I’m looking, jeez, chill....and then its like...huh. Cuz sure enough, there I am. Right in the middle of this big house party scene. That’s definitely me, and suddenly I’m like.....thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s why I feel like I’ve seen this movie before, I’m remembering the sceeeeeenes I was on set for. Ugh, no wonder I forgot about it, now I’m remembering we shot this one scene right here like 22 times, we spent three fucking days on it, it was annoying as hell.

And my sister’s still looking at me accusingly, like I’ve committed some mortal sin by not alerting her in advance to my presence, or more likely, not having called her to give her every single detail of my experience on a movie she was interested in, and I’m like....what do you want me to say? I didn’t know I was in this! 

How do you NOT know you’re in a movie, she wants to know, and we’re whisper fighting in the middle of the theater but luckily nobody seems too mad, the ppl around us look kinda amused actually because they’ve recognized the me next to them as the me on the screen and have overhead enough to get the gist (my sister is a very loud whisperer), and anyway I’m like, I knew I was in A movie, I just didn’t know it was THIS movie, it was one of those Untitled projects I’m pretty sure. I never knew what they ended up calling it!

And she’s like, and you never tried to find out what it was ultimately called or when it would come out at least? Which....no, why would I? It’s a terrible movie, I have zero interest in it.

Finally she’s like ugh, whatever, I still don’t get how you didn’t at least think ‘hey, I was in something with Hayden Panettiere recently, maybe its this’ when I was talking about her being in it. You had to at least know she was in it, you’re standing like....five feet away from her!

And I think I just shrugged at that point, because it was like, yeah, I knew it was her, but I’ve been that close to her a bunch of times, so what? She’s okay I guess but she’s not that great, I didn’t pay that much attention lol. Besides this was actually like a year ago I’m pretty sure, I’ve actually worked on the same set as her like twice since then I think, so.....idk. I probably just thought this was Heroes again? Whatever, it all blurs together and the director was super obnoxious, I remember now. I spent the whole shoot trying to astral project away from there.

I think that was the point where she just gave up on me and idk, knowing her she probably did a super dramatic hair toss and then tried to ignore me for the rest of the movie. Most likely while internally ranting about what a waste it is having an actor brother who doesn’t even care enough to let you know when he’s on set with her like....multiple times. To which I probably would’ve replied I can’t possibly be expected to keep up with her current faves, she changes celeb idols like, as often as she changes her hair color, which is a LOT. Ahem. Anyway. At one point my scene came on where I had actual lines, and I started mouthing them along with the me on screen, which I do admit in hindsight, was probably a Dick Older Brother move on my part, but whatever, she was being totally unreasonable about the whole thing, but then she gave me a Devil Glare and was like “I thought you didn’t remember being in this movie,” and I gave into the compulsion to just go full on Dick Older Brother and was like “I said I didn’t remember the MOVIE, of course I remember my LINES, I’m a professional, Ashley, god”.

Yeah. She was irritated about that for awhile. Oh well. Siblings. What can you do, y’know?

But moral of the story - you’d think, after all that, I’d at least always remember that movie after that happened.

I do not.

I think I’ve told this story to a bunch of people over the years, and every single time they ask me, so what was the movie, I wanna check it out. And to this day, I STILL can not for the life of me remember the fucking title of that movie or even like, what my character’s name was, and I just...never care enough to go try and hunt it down and figure it out.

What’s really bad, is I know for a FACT that multiple people I’ve told this story to have then gone on to hunt it down from Panettiere’s IMDB page on their own, and came back to me like ‘was it this one’ and I’m always like YES! THAT’S IT!

.....two minutes later, I have completely fucking forgotten the name of the movie again.

I SWEAR TO GOD I’M NOT EVEN JOKING. This is just....my brain.