#if this doesnt fix it ill cry probably

[caffeinatedopossum]

I feel like I have an unacceptably low level of control over my body. Like obviously there are some things that no one can control but I have like actual big problems because of it. I'm not really sure how to describe it but it's not just me being really clumsy (although that is an effect of it) or even the tics I have.

It's like I can feel my body moving wrong constantly but I can't correct it and it hurts and it sucks and I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting myself, making mistakes, breaking things, acting like it's fine when in reality I'm constantly afraid of how much any movement I make next could hurt me. I need to move to stay sane, I want to workout and get stronger and go on walks with my friends. I wanna get better. I can't even roll over in bed without pain and I'm just so tired.

[lllsaslll]

I hurt so so bad and the fear of the diagnosis I will get....

[the-s1lly-corner]

So… how do I word this uh what if the reader breaks up with one of tadc characters? Or vise versa?

Break up! (TADC cast x reader)!

YAHOO still trying to figure out who gets broken up with and who breaks up with you, guess we'll see when I write the actual post down!! Ueueue

Admittedly this post is more of a "how they are like" instead of "actual event of the breakup"

CAINE:

POMNI:

You break up with him...

Caine would never ever ever think of breaking it off with you... unless you find an exit and decide to stay with him. I wrote a post with that idea, and to make it short the guilt would eat him alive, making every day a living hell

But how would he be when you break up with him?

I think he would be all over the place. I mean you're his first romance, and you're his first heartbreak. Hes a mess. Hes crying, hes trying to bargain, and to fix what was broken

But then suddenly hes just

There

Neutral, as if understanding everything.. it's a little terrifying, and for a minute you think his coding is acting up. And maybe it is...

He isnt cold, he isnt holding a grudge, he just treats you like he treats the other circus members. Its actually a little... weird

Do I think his coming got messed up?

No, actually I think in secret hes grieving the relationship. But he now understands that this is just how things work out sometimes

Hes hurting but hes learning

She breaks up with you...

RAGATHA:

Its not that she fell out of love with you, quite the opposite actually. But the more she thought about it, the more.... difficult it would be for both of you. I mean shes tryimg to find the exit, and what are the odds both of you will be able to find each other in the real world? Would you guys even remember the events of the digital world when you escape...? Would...

Theres just so much, but even if it hurts her so so much she doesnt want to hold you down.. she tries to remain friends with you, but the hurt feelings make things hard for both parties

JAX:

You both mutually break up...

You guys probably break up after not coming to an agreement on life goals and big life decisions... I mean, as big of life decisions as you can in the digital world... now obviously you guys tried to find compromises and talk things through, but you guys just couldnt find any solutions where both sides are happy

Remember, resentment is a ugly thing that can ruin even the greatest things one can have. And this is especially true for relationships, romantic or otherwise

So in order to prevent that, you guys agree that you srent compatible with one another.. and thats okay

You guys are still friends, though!

KINGER:

You break up with him...

And he does not take it well at all. I think he would feel angry and betrayed. He wouldn't beg for you back, though. No he views that to be way too humiliating and he refuses to stoop that low. Actually I think if anything he would pretend you dont exist. And I think that's worse than just saying "he ramps up the pranks and targets you"

No, jax is emotionally immature imo, at least that's how I personally write him given we only have the pilot so far..

Very rarely does he actually acknowledge you, and even then it's cold and distant. Probably the least likely to get back with you

ZOOBLE:

You break up with him...

Theres probably a few factors that go into it. The general burn out that comes with a partner that struggles with mental health (because as horrible as it sounds, that is a valid reason. Coming from someone who is mentally ill and diagnosed with stuff, I would not blame my partner for leaving me if my symptoms began to wear down their mental health. It does not make someone a burden. Ones mental health is ultimately theres to deal with, and protect, but I'm not about to go on a tangent I'm just gonna say its valid), feeling that you can't compete with queenie, as well as a few other things

After the break up kinger seems

Lost

Like hes wandering around, and perhaps sometimes he even forgets that you guys broke up. It's sad. No one wants to see an old man cry..

But I dont think the grief will make him abstract. Actually, I dont think he would be nasty to you. Actually if you give him some time, hes actually still quite friendly with you, as well as understanding. You guys still remain friends

GANGLE:

They break up with you...

Likely, it could be that you overwhelmed zooble or made them feel like they werent good enough for you. Zooble themselves is very distant and checked out, and even more so given the current situation. But even then I dont think that there would be an event that would lead to the breakup; because otherwise I feel they would try to make it work

Or maybe, they have been and you guys just werent compatible..

It takes them a while to adapt to being single again, but they will get over it eventually. That being said they give me the vibe that they rend to avoid their exes

You both mutually break up..

Theres just so much going on, and given gangles very sensitive and shy nature and whatever issues you have going on, you both agree to take a break to try to better yourselves.. for yourselves..

I think out of all the characters, you guys have the most potential of getting back together

Gangle tries not to let herself get down in the dumps, but she still will miss you lots the first few weeks..

Even if you guys dont get back together, at least you both become better and more confident in yourselves for yourselves and any future partners

Of course this isnt to say that being sensitive or shy is a red flag or "ick", coming from someone who is those things. But sometimes it truly can become draining for a partner who has to be constantly be built back up. For the sake of both sides there needs to be space, or resentment can build and ruin everything. Is that mean and terrible? Yes. But its human

Add in whatever issues you have going on, you both agree it's better to split

[azumasoroshi]

minidura chapter 4 react

simon i SWEAR ill get you out of there and that horrendous art style

also though. TEENAGE SHIZAYA CHAPTER LETS GO???? idk if narita made the minidura or if it's a separate illustrator but they are giving the FOOD rn

i was wondering where the official knowledge that simon forced izaya and shizuo to eat sushi together came from. i mean i guess this isnt official and it was probably stated in the anime somewhere but still, good to see it illustrated pff

AAAAAAAAA ive seen this image around tumblr but i didnt realize it was from minidura 😭 i thought it was fanart or smth (<-dumbass)

wait im actually going crazy over this akwjhkjdshs they're washing dishes together!!! now we just need them to do laundry and taxes and-

im going to go over the image limit this time on god

wow cant believe they're bathing each other too (<-delusional)

something about the first shizuo panel reminds me of aggretsuko. which is. actually. huh. arent they both like adults with anger issues. durarara aggretsuko au when

also deadass i forgot dennis existed until i read about him in a shizaya fanfiction and i was like "who's dennis" pfgfkhkd

so true though never throw kitchen knives kids

LMFAO HE JUST GAVE THEM MORE WORK INSTEAD OF RESPONDING

they're gonna be here all day at this rate. actually shizaya as fast food/restaurant staff au when because they'd have the stupidest rivalry known to man and i need it

fucking imagine shinra walks in and sees shizuo and izaya working by the counter

i hope izaya gets to eat fatty tuna by the end of this though. god knows he's gonna look cute as hell

made funnier by the fact that izaya at least definitely knows how to cook with how long he's been on his own and needed to feed his sisters

damn ive actually never seen someone's vein burst in a way where blood sprays out in anime akshGKJHJKSD thats impressive actually

dont look now but this may or may not inspire me to make a mermaid/pirate au (<-obsessed)

who needs kaiju battles when you can have blue fin tuna vs crab

they're literally never leaving this place bro they're gonna be stuck here for eternity. anyway here's a literary analysis of durarara pointing out why russia sushi is actually representative of dante's inferno /j

i want to read those blurbs so baddddd screams sobs bangs table

rip dennis dude he doesnt get paid enough to deal with shizaya

rippp time to listen to izaya pine hopelessly for the man he cant stop annoying for five seconds

simon had the right idea. too bad shizaya are shizaya

what is that face izaya. i cant tell if he's irritated that simon's right or irritated that simon cant understand how instinctual their hatred is or amused that simon thinks he and shizuo could be friends or amused because he thinks meaningless fighting is hilarious

oh......that kind of hurts actually

i can imagine izaya suggesting it as a joke and then lying in bed that night thinking about how it's never going to happen and it really sounds like a funny joke huh? (he is not crying)

i cant believe simon's been dealing with these bitches for like 7 years now like dude has the patience of a saint

😭give him his 50,000 yen simon

we can see that the crack in the sign is actually fixed now too ahhh time really flies when you're stuck in a relationship of mutual hatred

chibizaya is so cuteeeeeeeee

im sure he intended to paint himself that way in his recollection though pff

THATS RIGHT SHIZAYA BE THE PORCUPINES. SNUGGLE. DO IT

step aside erika, simon is the face of the shizaya nation now. especially with that "you just have a shizuo complex dont you" quote that i found the other day which i still havent recovered from

HAUDGHUSDH orihara izaya, pro unreliable narrator

hilarious how we never see tom's face. just his dreads lmfao

dennis and simon are so done with like izaya bro i think they can tell at this point that he's horrifically pining and has no healthy outlet for it. the bills go to him because they're bullying him

it'd be funny if they billed him 50,000 at the end actually pft

I KNEW WE'D GET THEM EATING TOGETHER!!! I HAD FAITH

they're so cute oh my god can i make that my header or something

10/10 chapter im going to punt izaya into a wall and get simon flowers

[quodekash]

ITS ABAAB EP 7 TIME and i am sorry 

warning: lots of happiness, too much happiness. take a shot of water every time i say any variation of ‘HAPPY’. stay hydrated, folks. 

wait what happened to cher? did i miss something? 

i dont remember how the last episode ended so its very possible that i missed something 

awh 🥺

thE BED IS STILL ON AN ANGLE WHY IS THE BED ON AN ANGLE SOMEONE FIX THIS IM BEGGING YOU, ITS GOTTA BE A SAFETY HAZARD 

pls they look so comfy 

it looks like theyve been married for a thousand lifetimes 

so comfyyyyy

rIGHT, THEIR GROUP HAD A FIGHT, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO CHER, I REMEMBER NOW 

YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEAH BEACH EPISODE = PURE HAPPINESS AND DOPAMINE 

THREEZO AT THE BEACH 

WE’RE GONNA GET THREEZO AT THE BEACH 

IM LITERALLY ABOUT TO CRY IN ANTICIPATION OF BEACH

i know i already said it like four times BUT THIS LOOKS SO FREAKING COMFY WHAT THE HELL 

THREEZO THREEZO THREEZO

HELLO MY LOVELIES HOW ARE YOU TODAY 

theyre literally in the middle of the frame omg 

little babby 

i love him 

he’s tall but he’s smol 

his HAIR 

LOOK AT IT 

THE HAIR IS SO FLUFFY 

i think my favourite things about this series are jack’s hair and threezo

and theyre both tied for first place 

three’s apology to jack is so freaking sweet omg 

i love him too much 

he struggles with words and communicating but he wants everyone to be happy and he doesnt want conflict and he feels responsible for everything and he is perfection and also he’s either adhd or asd or both, i dont make the rules 

HAPPY

omg his awkward laugh is so cute why was that so cute 

his sweet little ‘hah hah’ 

HIS FACE MAKES ME HAPPY 

HAPPYYYYY 

(damn i did gun/force dirty on that screenshot) 

his freaking face

its making me happy 

this is a happiness overload 

im not used to this much joy in my system 

what do i do with it 

HAPPYYYYYYYYY

dads. 

everyone can see you btw. just letting you know. you’re just standing there, holding hands 

i mean that’s great, good job, not being scared is funky (but its also funky to be scared), it’s just that. you know. if your friends ask questions later and you dont want them to suspect anything then like. it’s your fault. 

altho maybe they dont care if their friends find out, idk at this point 

ignore me

HAPPY

everyone ganging up to push gun in the water. that’s what friendship truly is 

HAPPY

they teleported 

three was next to zo, jack was between cher and zo. they switched. 

hOW?

HAPPYYYYY

THE HAIR

LOOK AT THE HAIR 

they always figure out a way to squeeze it in 

OMG

SOBBING

IM SOBBING

THATS SO CUTE 

HELP

DAMN RIGHT 

his hair is a mess lmao

bRO

HE SAID IT

HE SAID THE THING 

ZOGUN FRIENDSHIP BONDING SCENE OMG HAPPINESS 

he’s known from the very freaking beginning 

before cher even knew 

the gaydar is strong bro 

HIS FREAKING FACE 

HAPPY

HE HAPPY 

PFFFFFFT

i love their friendship so much omg 

(that screenshot looks like hes about to punch him lmao) 

“zo, what is love?” i can feel it, im about to punch a wall or smth bc something threezo is coming 

“what is love for you?” “three.” yUP I KNEW IT OMG IM GONNA FREAKING CRY 

HAIR

FLUFFY FLUFFY FLUFFY ITS SO FLUFFY 

i think i love this man (and his hair) a little too much but its fine 

GJK3BERKJGBVRKEBGR

GUN WHAT THE HELL 

AGAIN, THEY LOOK SO FREAKING COMFY 

well shoot. thoop is mad at cher for being involved with gun. 

good news is: i dont think its homophobia 

it’s just that he doesnt want cher to move on from tian (thoop himself cant move on from tian) and he doesnt want cher to find a relationship because that means, in thoop’s eyes, he’s letting tian go, and thoop cant really deal with that because he’s ✨mentally ill✨

get some sleep my man 

I LOVE HOW MUCH HE LOVES HIS FRIENDS 

HES SO FREAKING CARING 

HE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIS FRIENDS 

HED PROBABLY NEVER ADMIT IT BUT HE’S A REAL FREAKING SOFTY ON THE INSIDE 

1. ive never seen more serious finger guns 

2. you’re not bi, sir, why are you doing finger guns 

3. finger GUNs 

that is all 

FINAL THOUGHTS: 

if they dont give us a threezo kiss by the end of this show i will scream. 

[bassguitarinablackt-shirt]

*clears throat*

um. asher. hes such a silly little guy. i love talking to them and he's honestly so fun to interact with??

like. literally. percy is probably one of my favorite moots <3 i love talking to him and god sorry if i repeat that a lot i just. appreciate that i can talk to them, yk?

and nico is so silly and i just :3 its always fun to interact with it and send them asks and he's just. there, you know?

like, leo's just always . yeah. i love that i can scrumble their blog and to be honest thats probably one of the favorite parts of my day, going through his blog

i like to do it in the mornings; after i wake up and go through my notifs and discord and shit ill pull up thals' blog and go through its posts, yk? and honestly i love it when they go through my notifs, it makes me so happy to see star there :3

and i understand astro is sometimes not doing well, and i want to just. get rid of suns pain, because honestly they deserve the world.

and apollo is just. yeagh. it makes me so happy that i met him tbh. comet is just. i dont know how to describe it /pos

and will is so silly btw!! i love talking to him, god im pretty sure i said that a lot already but its true. so.

and piper is honestly so cool for having so many names, she's the reason why i have so many tbh. they're so cool and god i look up to lun a lot

also i love how their names are mostly either planet or pjo names :3 like, venus is so based for that??? like i love faer names so much tbh

also, to be honest, ive considered stealing a good amount of mars' names. not my fault though !! its names are so cool :3 and he shouldnt worry about having too many names, xe can do whatever they want forever

chase is also very pretty btw. like honestly, they pass like. really well. or at least, he passes a lot better than i do sjshjfdkd

its so silly to me how octavian and i share some names :3 also, i like using numbers to tell us apart (is that weird? sorry), like, tbh, i love calling him octavian 3.0, nico 4.0, etc :3 wait, would it be leo 3.0? did he take the name leo before me or after?

and nyx is such a pretty name tbh. all of luns are. you know who else is pretty. fae are.

and luke is just. god i love all his blog themes and talking to him and

yeagh sorry jason i just. get sappy at night ig. like. hes honestly so cool and im so fucking glad i met him, yk?

i love how i assigned him the name jackson, its so silly to me :3 they made an acronym, let me find it rq, AJBCNPNOLCEDRBOCI (assigned jackson by cat nico pluto neptune octavian leo calypso eris dysnomia rusty blue opal cerulean infinity), sorry i fixed it up a bit to add on my new names, i hope he doesnt mind :3

umm castellan is such a cool name tbh. the name reminds of me of . the sky. kinda. so it fits it really well :3 honestly, the name is pretty close to callisto, which im kinda thinking of stealing- ooh idk if he knows this, they probably do, but callisto is jupiters second biggest moon :33

grace is such a cool name tbh, ive always liked it, and they're cool too so it. matches. yk

and god, i love gem so much /no plato /no romo, ive said this before but im so glad crystal is in my life :3 they're just so sweet and fun to talk to and and and-

and sorry i broke this up into lines, its so i could keep track of every name switch

sorry idk why i typed this out im just. in a sappy mood ig :3

im actually gonna cry /pos i love you and talking to you so much and and- *explodes*

[binalakai]

🍅🧅🍏🥑 wahoo fruit party!!

How misunderstood is your OC? In-universe or IRL. oh god. okay. okay Hue Man on Earth is a story that is. REALLY hard for me to share, despite how much I do try to talk about it publicly (or at least update my toyhouse as much as possible when i feel like doing that), there's always that sense of. people either boiling my characters down to Tropes/who's the Bad one and who's the Good One. whos the character thats meant to be a personal attack on someone (none of them are) n whos the character that is meant to be relatable (none of them are PURPOSELY written to be that way) n it just. really goddamn sucks sometimes. i could talk about specifics with my main trio specifically, over the course of time that i've had Hue, Magni, and Clyde, theyve all been weirdly misunderstood in their own way that i have gotten to the point of having to reevaluate those folks n look inward into seeing if that perception of themselves can be weaved into the plot. but honestly i think ill catch myself in a bad mood atm if i think about it too hard. tldr on that; i try to microdose my story when sharing it to others, n even then i get really nervous about the idea that my story wont be valued/understood as a whole, which is partially of my own doing as well bc i do have a tendency to Put a Lot into characters once i get super attached to them. ..so nowadays im too burned out to do that :"P once i make that pitch bible, it probably still wont fix that, but its still a project im committing to nonetheless! 🧅 [ONION] What is surefire to make your OC cry? Who knows of this information? Hue) hard to answer with a creature like him. objectively, he doesnt cry. its not needed for him to release emotion the same way it does for Earth-things. but he does it anyway, or at least the equivalent (letting go of parts of his body in droplets from his eyes, just for them to crawl back to his body) it's less about "am i sad right now and do i have to cry" and more like "is crying appropriate for this situation.". after his Human arc in arc 5, its something he actually stops doing as a whole because experiencing the feeling of crying in a human body like. Actually Fucks him up REAL bad NJWKEFNAJKWFNAKWEF Magni) the "sillier" or "unrelated to themselves" the issue is, the more theyll have a tendency to genuinely cry over it. they cry when they know no one else is there to mourn over the problem they're crying about, which is why they'll have a very Stone Flat Face when Witnessing the horrors, but will have an absolute meltdown over dropping their favorite cup Clyde) Honestly that motherfucker will cry over. like....anything? Honestly? to the point where it can be unpredictable. Clyde's emotions are based less on the Cause of Crying and more about the intensity of its emotions. any time it gets overwhelmed, it will cry, and its been labeled a crybaby inuniverse because of that 🍏 [GREEN APPLE] How do they differ from the norm and how are they punished for it? answering this all together, and honestly without having to like. explain the whole plot of HMoE in one setting. Hue seen as different from the norm not because he's an alien but because he's technically an illegal immigrant, Magni and Clyde are autistic PoC that also Do Not Fit Well into their hometown whatsoever. may i need to say anything else. 🥑 [AVACADO] What will they never back down about, even if it makes them seem bad?

Hue) trying to be seen as a good person, even if it means doing the most heinous shit possible (as long as he's able to hide it/insist on good intentions) Magni) trying to be seen as the Right Person, even if it means twisting things in their favor SPECIFICALLY to be right (though will admit to it redhanded if theyre caught, more out of being impressed if anything) Clyde) trying to be seen as the Truthful Person, even if it means ruining everyone's day/life about it (it''ll try to seem like it doesnt care about being "bad", but it very much actually eats away at it. every single damn day)

[goremet-chef]

vent/rant

its so fucking ABSURD man. "whats with the attitude?" you want me to kill the mood even more? want me to say im depressed cuz my cat is dead and i didnt even realize that on the 21st, that would be the last time id ever see her again? is that what you fucking want?

its so NON EXISTANT to EVERYONE, it means fucking nothing to them!!! how could you care so little, just because we didnt live with her? she was the last remnant of my home. a home free of yelling and violence and blood, home where my friends live, home where i was safe and now shes gone, she was the last one. i thought i had longer with her, at least with riley i got to say goodbye properly

the same thing happened with domino, when i was younger. i felt so betrayed that they didnt even let me say bye to him, i feel a similar anger now.. but i live 2 hours away, there was no convenient way for them to let me do that. i think just..

the SUDDENNESS of the decision is what breaks my heart. she didnt know she wasnt gonna wake up ever again, she probably had no idea what was happening and its. its not like i wanted to see her die, the same way we watched riley get worse until we realized there was no saving him and he wasnt gonna get better, but.. was there really nothing we couldve done? nothing at all? was euthanasia the ONLY course of action? maybe we could have saved her, but its too late now. it doesnt matter anymore

im still kind of in denial, honestly.. it doesnt feel real. some part of me thinks it was a sick joke from my sibling. i know its not, i know its real, but with how everyones acting like it didnt happen at all, you couldnt blame me for feeling that way. part of me really hopes it was a joke but. i know if i ask ill just get confirmation that it wasnt

i wish i was there at least. that way i wouldnt be stuck in this limbo of thinking its not real. i know when riley was put down, id still go to my grandmas room and go to the living room at night somewhat hoping that he'd be there when i looked, but of course he never was. one time i was zoned out and i subconsciously reached over to pet him and feeling time stop when i froze and saw i was reaching for nothing, it hurt so fucking bad, it still hurts so fucking bad man. looking up and seeing the little box he was inside, it fucking sucks i hate this so much

i wish i was there, because at least my grandma gets it. those were her cats, have been for years. she always played it off like they werent because technically artemis and riley were OUR cats, but my mom lost her home and my grandma took us in when i was like.. 8 or 9. and she decided to go back and get them for us. im so grateful she did, because they wouldnt have lived as long as they had out there.

she gets it, because she loved them too. my mom didnt love them. my brother didnt love them. my older sister literally just completely abandoned and probably forgot about riley, who was HER cat. i remember he used to attack my feet from under the bed, when i was a little kid. the only one who came close to loving them like how we do was my oldest sibling, and even still he doesnt seem sad about it at all. like i know hes sad cuz he loved her but he rarely ever saw her, it was more like a passing claim of "oh, thats my cat", yknow?

my grandma gets it. i know she knows its really hard for me. it was so hard when domino was gone. when riley was sick, she tried to be lighthearted about it and even when i saw him for the last time, and we were both crying, she told me to say bye to him in kind of a goofy voice. i know she doesnt want to see me hurting like that, and it was kind of dreadful at the time, but im really glad she let me say goodbye to him, because it was a goodbye i meant. it wasnt "goodbye, see you later", it was the real one and i didnt get to give that to arty. i just said bye like normal, because i thought shed be okay! i thought whatever was wrong with her, we could fix. i cant believe it was so cut and dry

and i cant stand it here, they dont have and kind of sympathy, i think my mom doesnt even KNOW that i know. which means she just didnt plan on telling me at all. even my sibling was confused as to why she wouldnt have. its like they cant fathom why id be sad for more than a day or two, but i loved her! i fucking loved her, i loved all of them

i dont believe in the afterlife, but part of me wants to believe that they can at least know how much i miss them, how much i love them. its the only sort of comfort i have, even if i dont really believe it. i hope they can hear me cry and they know that its because i love them so fucking much and i want to see them again

it doesnt help that, exactly like when riley was put to sleep, im having dreams about her. dreams where shes dead, but im hallucinating her and i can see her again and im petting her and its so real.. shes there in my head and everyone around me tells me "its not real" but i dont even care! i dont care if its not real, because seeing her is enough. arty, i love you so much girl, im so fucking sorry we couldnt do anything. im sorry to riley too, and domino, and talcum. im sorry marceline, im sorry ellie. i know its not my fault, there was really just nothing we could do, but man i wish that wasnt true

they lived their whole lives with us, which is why its so crazy to me that most of my family doesnt really care. no one is gonna remember them, so ill drown myself in the grief just to honor their memory, because they deserve to be cried over. they deserve to be missed, to have someone who loves them after everything. their loss should be mourned, how could i think back on their whole lives and do anything but? i know people say "oh, remember the good times! they wouldnt want you to be sad" but the good times are gone. crying affirms the fact that i loved them and ill keep loving them until im dead too, because they deserve that

[toastsnaffler]

i feel like every decision i have to make atm is rock and a hard place devil and the deep blue sea and i cant fucking deal with it i can feel the wires fusing + cogs screeching to a halt. total mental shutdown

[doggirl08-moved]

sometimes i feel like i love people to much that's its suffocating my dad says i smother my dog i don't know what that means since I'm just hugging him i always wave and my hug my dad even when he hates it and wants to push me off but i am so scared for losing someone i am so scared they will never know how much i love them and this happened today i have a friend named Samantha she is dear to me and she will always be shes a light in my dark stormy night to lead me to a safe path we decided to call which i enjoy since i always laugh i look forward to it every few weeks or so even though we text everyday but i invited my online friend hoping it would just be for a few minutes i started to get antsy of course i was having fun but its not our usual and that's scary to do something new and unknown i quickly apologized to her trying to fix my invisible mistakes like shes my lawyer and she just told me its okay why are you apgloziging i could only help but stare at my screen and try to piece it together why am i feeling this way i don't know why or how i was suddenly upset but i was we got off after discussing it and i went to dad the only thing he said was shes probably tired and that's why she wants to go a bit early and i just couldn't shake the feeling i gave a lengthy apology after apology after apology and after taking a good long look at myself a pit of loneliness crashed into me was i just began yping about how i am scared to lose her how i am scared to ruin anything how this is perfect and cannot be changed and what if something happens my whole life i have been ripped away while clawing someone to pieces since i need them my youngest memory is clawing my mothers back from my sharp nails begging not to go to my dads and how much i hurt her and how hard i cried and i think everyone telling me and depending on me and me needing to depend on others has hurt me alot i care too much and i think too much it doesnt help when you have a bluent not touchy family but ij ust want to claw them to death show them how much i love them and the lengths ill go to show it since i truely do and how scared i am for something to happen since ive had so much taken away from me i have had my body taken away i have had my mother taken away my house my toys my sister my dad my uncle food water privacy and my deepest desires my emotions and feelings have been ripped away and i need to grab into them and claw them again to show they are mine and i love them this is not good to think about not good at all but i just love them so much it hurts and makes me want to cry and shatter into a million pieces every dumb mistake or crack in the road slip up or scratch makes me just want to crawl all over them and smother them and protect them so muchand show them i love you please dont go anytime soon this is how much i love you how hard i squeeze you and sink my hands into you is how much i just want to hug your inner you

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

[context: i went on a rant on this post about gray morality while high but reblogs are turned off BUT i want my rant to be rebloggable so uh. here it is verbatim copypasted]

i feel like this about izaya but i cant put it into words, i guess like because. i see him as a guy with aspd who doesnt know how to manage a disorder he doesnt know he has, or he’s learned somewhat but the alternative was less miserable?

because, see the thing about aspd is. when you’re first learning how to manage it, it’s miserable! aspd is kind of like, an addiction to dopamine. in aspd your brain produces like. 4x the amount it should. and a lot of times, aspd and adhd are both there, and with adhd the dopamine is very very low. see? these two work in tandem! you don’t WANT to recover, because being ill feels better. you’re happier, you’re entertained, you get rushes of dopamine all the time… but you’re horrible, probably. like izaya says, in order to be entertained you have to keep evolving. you have to do worse and worse things to satisfy yourself. that’s when it changes from acceptable to A Problem. because one day you’re a writer satisfied by making their friends squirm and cry from angst, and the next you’re actively triggering people for a reaction. and its hard to stop because the dopamine, there’s just so much of it.

what i’m saying is, it’s a mental disorder that feels very good to have. like the mania of bipolar- like when you’re manic, you suddenly feel invincible and so so so so good, until you crash? like that feeling. it doesn’t WANT you to recover, and you also don’t want to recover, it feels so good to have. but it also doesnt because youre lonely on account of the aforementioned Sucking. studies show that theres a correlation between “people with aspd who recovered” and “people with aspd who are married,” but did the marriage fix them or is them attracting a partner indicative of their aspd being “less severe?” and therefore more likely to recover? ah if only we had a person with aspd here we could ask them-

PSYCHE MOTHAFUCKAAAA THATS ME!!!! it’s probably the first one. lol. i started improving symptomatically once someone came into my life and actually STAYED there. he didn’t “fix me” but he did help! and i wouldnt say i’m “recovered” wrt the aspd- it still is a disorder that feels very good to have.

but what i’m saying is- izaya. if he has all this. this, “inescapable negative outcome” is. yeah. he either “recovers” and regresses back into a depressed ball of boredom, surpressing every single impulse or emotion because “what if it’s the one that makes me lose control?” and being terrified of becoming a monster like everyone says People Like Him should be…. OR he leans more into the behaviors and urges he knows suck, spiraling into a domapine-addiction that slowly makes him into a worse and worse person and remaining lonely? like. he’s already lonely!!! neither outcome actually promises real happiness, so at some point you;d be tempted to lose control, just to get SOMETHING. and i think that’s what happened to izaya. and this isnt to be like “oooooo baby nothing is his fault,” we can talk about how all this IS his fault like, mental illness and addiction do not excempt someone from consequece and douchebaggery. but it IS something to think about- like, those suicidal girls fell down a spiral of mental illness, and so did izaya. like, he sucks, but also, you can kinda see how him being neglected all his life means there was no other way this couldve gone, especially with knowing shinra. like, he sucks now, but he never really had an oppurtunity to be anything other that that. there was nothing else that would’ve happened, because of every other inevitable thing.

and how do i know that someone w aspd would eventually choose the willing mental spiral? i am ACTIVELY developing a drug problem right now, i know my chance of becoming addicted is VERY high and possibly am showing early signs like cravings and stuff. i know. but i’m still taking the drug because it’s doing exactly what drugs do to people- make them trmporarily happy and get rid of the boredom and sadness of repression. i know what’s going to happen to me but i was eventually tempted into it. you would be too if you had my life.

(disclaimer i am not 100% sure if the neuroscience is accurate here, brain scans wrt psychology are not an exact science and the study could have been wrong or biased, i don't remember and i'm sure i didn't remember when i was zonked off my ass- but there is a sort of link between aspd and adhd so it makes sense that they'd both mess with dopamine production. but yk, take it with a grain of salt)

[bonerbiter23]

i think sometimes that im incapable of hoping Like it would be more realistic to just say things will suck but i will live. Where is the joy in that .. Cant make myself believe anything more hopeful than that . Doesnt mean anythings wrong with me. Maybe i will be so alone ill think im going to die . ill wake up though. maybe i will notice myself forgetting things i thought i would never forget and i will miss home more than anything i have ever felt But i will wake up the next day... ill go to my job and go to class and ill probably snap at people and cry and stop talking sometimes and never shut up other times and no one will fix it for me . It will be okay and i will wake up again and i will listen to songs that sound like dreams and i will cry with happiness after telling a stranger i believe in them ..

[kusundei]

i likely wont forget about what happened today and i dont tbink i’ll ever let myself forget this ? i’ll probably force myself to let this linger and stay with me forever or at least a long while bcuz as bad as that sounds truly i needed this icthink . knew i could lie forever and the longer it wasnt acknowledged it just got worse truly .? i have this. bad achijg feeling. perchance a sort of grief and regret and remorse ? everytime he says something kind it makes me. odd. keep jusr feeling my throat close up again and then my heart just hurts. badly. it wont stop aching i feel sodramatic its crazy i havw to keep telling myself i cant start crying again because my head already hurts sobad and i cant be doingthis anyway. i just feel. guilty still. im not rwally lashing myself ajymore or anyrhjng i just still feel bad and j feel awful when he says things like rhat bcuz. i have no idea? is it that i dont beleive him? is it that i feel guilty that hes being kind despite it all??? that i feel suddenly undeserving???? im not redeemed yet so i cant accept this anymore??? made too big of a mistake? ? im trying not to rlly acknowledge it but oh god forbid i . feel **it**. but im not avoidant and i wont do that judt because im scared again? And its also on me . truly i am just glad he was honest and talked to me and ill just choose to bask in this a little longer so i can truly feel the weight of my mistakes. he keeps telling me he misses me and i feel so overwhelmingly guilty. because god forbid who am i to miss you as well after that? whooo am i to hold your hoodie and wish it was you? let alone the smell is making me. emotional. scared i’ll be evil tomorrow if i see him but i will orobabky live?? im normal i am a man or something aling those lines. i wouldnt cry. im just. still. feeling bad. not like im upset i have no reason to be upset. just again feeling bad. theres a difference between the two im just trying not to lash myself anymore . moving on and its okay? even though it isnt truly okay really? it’ll be okay. i feel guilty wanting to move on from it but i know i need to but i also cant w peace of mind till i truly grasp how hes feeling ithink. a part of me wont accept whatever silliness hesputtiny downcright now bcuz im doibting it. but hopefully the ache will leave me eventually bcuz an evil part of me is festering because of it. ifeel it in my bones but i wont. ive caused too much already i cant maybe ill feelcbetter tomorrow bcuz i feelclike irl i might be able to grasp it better

the least i can do at this point is to live. let it consume me (maybe) but not let it show. to be okay enough to function? to be normal to the closest degree i know how to. to be everything again and just be better. not redeem myself because theres nothing i can do to redeem that but to the extent in which i’ll feel even a little bit more fulfilled. oh hut truly none of it is for the sake of me i just. need to do something. to fix this somehow but i know there isnt rlly any fixing i can do. it’ll probabkyfollow him the same way it’ll follow me but i can only pray it doesnt plague him like how i know it will for me . this is just evil sam though i’ll be okay. im always okay. i AM okay.? im not crying anymore. i had no reason to be crying in the first place he has every reason to be upset with me. inqasnt even upswt i just felt bad. kept having to reassure myself and reread everything and be. reasonable. fuck that 40 minute audio recording it ws just alot of back and forth. but oh god am i glad my mom spared me warlier maybe it was worth the lashings. because if she did take my phone like how she was yelling st me earlier as she attenpted to break down the door it wouldve been over . but im okau and im normal? fake it till we make jt . thug it out. lock in. just do something? lessen the pain in any way possiblr and make it up some how. oh but everytime he does somethijg to be silly and normal like we r normally it just makes me feel like hes also lying to me and j dont want him tooo. oh bht god forbid im the one being eivl now so. icant idk. imjust. doubting everything again slightly. ive taken a few steps backwards but its okay ill be fine (im still guilty)

[ofwindydays]

Blog Updates and FAQ 6/1/2024

Okay so I'm making this here to not interrupt the flow of discord and to keep myself to something because I tend to do that better when its written down- it will pinned too

these are mostly to answer faq, updates to the blog, and maybe a lil fun section- using icons to help with tone but im trying for neutral positive

Min are you okay?

I do appreciate those who reached out and asked. (Ily you all for real), To answer I'm okay. I just been having weird brain things but nothing really bad pinky promise.

2) Why did you drop (x)

So I can't answer every person I dropped (Fly high all of them). But I was like feeling a bit overwhelmed, this isn't to say i didn't enjoy any connections i had more like "hey this a bit challenging" so I dropped some.

3) Will they return?

Wellllll some might some might not. But I think two-three right now is my max. When Lysander will return exactly time will tell. I'm sorry for a lack of clear answer.

Tdlr for this section, School and State Testing sucks, lifes a bit overwhelming and I kinda want to steer my focus on that. It was a really hard decision but I kinda had to do it you know

Section 2- Changes Theme+ Blog Wise

Stats Page- I guess this is more like the extended lore page for my muses. Like quirks , likes, dislikes, height, things like that

Connections Page- I'm unorganized and forgettful 90% of the time. I really need to establish this one to keep thing straight

Thread tracker- Okay this one is a big one. Like Tumblr been kicking my ass and eating my notifs so hopefully this will help a lot

-mins face setting this stuff up as an ancient fumo overlord

Section 3- Changes Rp and Socially

Sending Starters- I'll probably be dming closed starters after I post. This doesnt mean I want you to do them right away rather its for my organizational purposes and my tumblr is possessed by Cthulhu

Biweekly plotting- Every two weeks or so , Ill probably be popping up randomly to see if anyone wants something and see if we can bring something to the table. expect fun and choas from this. Next one will be on the 16 or 18th though due to ummmmm spoons being hella low

Curfew- Okay so not really affecting a lot but if I suddenly start disappearing around 10-10:30 on tumblr or discord, Im probably trying to fall asleep my cicadan rhythm needs fixing I just want to make sure to let you know I'm not ignoring you because I'll feel very bad.

Mini fun section- Will probably not update this one

Top 3 character inspo for Juri

---> Left to Right

Yuri from Yuri on Ice, Juzo from Dangan Ronpa 3, and Murasakibara from Kurokos Basketball. Emotionally constipated with a good heart are my favoites

Top 3 character inspo for Nova

--> Left to Right

Luvia for Fate, Kurisu from Steins;gate, and Rei from Eva. Rich girls with more than meets the eye and cause earth shattering events are always my favorite

Conclusion

Basically thats all I wanted to say. I probably will discuss more and try to be more open. I love this environment and I want to improve. I did cry a lot last night and today over my decisions, hell fearing Ill sound like a jerk, but I hope I illuminated my feeling the best I can. I know I don't say it but I appreciate the admins and members. Heres to hoping we become better together

[cracka1604]

oh ho ho ho ho - C

hi, cracka again. life is boring, like boring boring. and sad. life is sad for no reason. is you guyses life like that? you just feel sad for no reason a ton? i should be happy right now, school year is almost over and i finally get to rest, fun fact: im crying over my finals papers while writing this. im failing everything.

ignorance

lately i've decided to just say no to working anymore, what is the point? i cant even get a job because of my mental illnesses anyways. this just seems like a waste of time, i probably wont even live past 18, im gonna be honest. if i do i bet i'll be homeless and resorting to crime anyways.

the future is coming on

hey its just like that one gorillaz song but, my future is finally catching up to me, i have a lot of responsibilities right now, and all im doing is ignoring them. i should really work on them, but i dont see the point after working for a while, what does this do for me and others? this seems useless to do, etc. etc. i dont like my mindset of "hey this doesnt seem worthwhile"

nights up bleeding in my bathtub

lately i've been staying up most nights, some of them i cut myself in the bathtub. i really gotta stop doing that, theres no gain in it, and i just feel worse. i need to do something else with my time other than wallow and mope in my own problems instead of fixing them or trying to relax before fixing them god i hate myself

[hiddenreflections]

cederic vent

"I used to think you had it all wrong, that I had to seriously teach you a lesson and change your mind. But now I profit from the ways you deem what I think is a strength as a weakness. Maybe I no longer will get to feel that raw strength I get from taking over the body and causing disaster for us. I get attacking your partner was a low moment for me. I understand that. But youre right. Real strength is in being vulnerable. I dont have to be like an abuser that doesnt understand this. And when you taught me so more.. Ill probably love myelf more. But Adam didnt need to be taught did he? He just understood. Learned without forcing you to teach.

I admire how stubborn you are. You feel so strongly about what a weakness and a strength is. In your world raw power to hurt or act out, or do smth is not what defines strength, that person may just have an unfair advantage, got lucky, was given smth they didnt even earn. I didnt do anything to be stronger than you when it comes to taking over the body to do damage. I didnt earn it. I didnt train for it. I didnt swear or bleed for it. I dont earn your respect by simply overpowering you.

I earn it by honest to god hard work. By making myself vulnerable. By ingraining all these things that seem to obvious to you but so foreign to me. We will be trapped together for life, I better learn to orient myself around you, I cannot win this anyways. Youre host. You decide where our life goes. Im just in for the ride. Or I can make it my ride too by being supportive, helping you of course also out of love, but also to feel my power and impact in a real and raw way that isnt so destructive.

It sucks how right you tend to be. I get why people want to beat the shit out of you when no matter how disadvantaged you are, you still hold them to it and tell them the truth, im sure a lot of people thought youre an idiot for that. Dont tell that to the person having the power to beat you up, to best you, to beat you into submission. I did that. I beat ourselves and I beat you into crying and whimpering and begging, yet you stood up again and continued to stand up to me. I had you I think lower than any external abuser ever had you. And youre right, I didnt do anything for that, I just took advantage of a lucky coincidence that I was given this ability to overpower you physically.

Adam never hurt you like I have. Adam even on his worst held back. Held a lot of his agression back. He still was bad, and you see it as such and hold him proportionally responsible. He learned his lesson.

I do think youre stronger than me just for surviving me, us, for so long. You survived long enough to see it get better. Not everyone couldve done it. You were teethering on the edge quite a lot. And often overpowering you and proving how much stronger than you I am mattered more to me than even our survival, that pissed you of. My stupidity. But it only made me feel stronger.

I feel sick at all of it though. I was as dumb and ugly as you told me. I deserved every insult. Its never to late to stand up to someone no matter how much weaker you realistically are, I will admit that made a strong impact on me too and just your kindness and love couldnt have fixed me. It also was how you stood up to me. Again and again. That stubbornness people find so provocative. Doesnt know when to shut up, is asking for it, is asking for hurt, shouldnt open her mouth if shes not the stronger on etc.

But hey you won that way. Atleast with me. Never change that.

Part of me feels like you did beat me into submission without ever harming our body. Just with how unwilling to back down you were. But a much healthier part of me feels.. guilt-ridden, disgusted with myself that I felt you were picking a fight with me. Might doesnt make right. And I dont want to be similar to our abuser, cause how you keep telling me, maybe dont listen to advice over what defines strength from a child rapist, those usually arent very strong. And youre right. pissed me of. but you were right. I was wrong. Ill always be wrong. And im glad to be wrong.

Never thought id say that. You did well. Very well. Surviving this. Outliving this. Maneuvering this. I know im the reason you lost your partner, I know what we did to you had real life consequences on you, it wasnt just internal turmoil, a noise to block out. We did real raw damage, blindly, copying an abuser or trying to punish you for faults we found in you.

But you won. This is your life. I love that it is. I love being part of it. I love being allowed to be inside our head. I love being part of you. Im happy you exist, I happy its you im stuck with and no one else. I love you more than anything.

And my love is becoming more what you deem actual love, unblemished by me needing another hit of feeling power. Im becoming so calm now, so peaceful so at ease. You are wiser than me. More intelligent. Look far beyond what im capable to see inside my little cycle of doom. I am glad to have you.

All your faults, all these things you deem as weaknesses just look kind of adorable and sweet to me, like something youll def figure out. Im still glad to be part of you. To be yours, in a way. And for you to be mine. Afterall we share the same body, the same life.

And if one day I go doormant, I know you love me enough to wish me back. And Adam can hate that as much as he wants, but I know if I cease to feel myself existing for a while, ill do it so loved. You think that doesnt mean anything to me? But it does. I know someone will think of me. Someone will love me, even when im helpless and have no voice of my own.

Youll never have to fear going doormant like me, so you dont understand that fear.

But id like to think ill feel you thinking of me, loving me, caring for me. And ill be tended to in my little black hole. Or maybe ill be in a garden if you do make the inner world happen.

I wish I could give you something more to signify that I think you actually did win against me. Youd deserve a medal for surviving that.

I feel so naked admitting to that though. But youve earned it. And one day.. ill be what I considered to be a weaker version of me and ill be happier, much happier, wholer. glad. content even. at ease. at peace with myself. Ill never feel like an abuser again. never hate myself again. never feel that ugly again.

all because you even when you had me silent, somehow couldnt give me up. Ill never be forgotten, even when I lay doormant, I will be remembered as someone worthwhile. I will have my life secured. Cause in the end whether I wake up again or not will much be dictated by you and what you think of, depending on.

I might not be a full person like you, but I am a person and I care about surviving inside you. Maybe one day I wont piss myself at the idea of fusing anymore either. Maybe ill be a full person one day like that. If youd have me.

But for now ill learn to support you better. love you better. be better. be loveable. maybe one day I will truly love myself. and then youll even be proud of me for doing so.