#ik i rambled a lot about myself but i promise there’s a message and point to it

[gently-decaying-flowers]

i love my brother

but i feel like he’s a little black and white when it comes to gender identity- which is bizarre as he’s a trans guy

i’ve changed pronouns/gender identity/sexuality a lot because idk i’m younger and trying to figure out who i am and what feels right- and he calls me the most “inconsistent person he knows”

which kinda sucks

he told me he talked to my mom apparently about how i’d benefit from just calling myself genderfluid and i have two problems with that

1) i’m not out to my mom. i love my mom and she’s so supportive but i don’t want to come out until im sure because i don’t wanna change it up on her all the time. looks like he did that for me tho

2) genderfluid doesn’t feel right to me- at least right now. it’s not my label. i’m nonbinary/genderqueer atm and i don’t wanna change because of how he thinks i should identify

there’s also the added layer that he and his girlfriend are t4t- his partner was nonbinary for a long time and now they use they/she pronouns and identify as a fem nonbinary- WHICH IS SO COOL

but that means both of their gender experiences were a bit more binary- both leaning heavily away from their agab. i think because i still like feminine things (this convo arose last night because i showed him the swimsuit i was gonna get) and im not the more common “nonbinary androgynous” presenting person- or because i don’t lean fully away from more “feminine” things- he doesn’t really understand?

i think in his mind enby is either dressing masc if you’re afab or fem if you’re amab- or the like short hair, baggy clothes, genderless being aesthetic shown in media when it comes to enby people

and all the power to them! they’re valid and amazing as who they are, but when that becomes The Look for nonbinary people it can affect peoples acceptance of enbies who aren’t like that or can’t afford to be because of money, their home life, etc.

all this is sorta to say that you don’t have to listen to what the older queer people around you think you “should be” or what it “sounds like you are” even people who’ve been in the queer community longer have had different experiences than you- and shouldn’t dictate your interpretation of your own identity

also don’t feel bad about being inconsistent!! ever!!! i like telling myself:

maybe it is a phase but it’s not just a phase. it’s the phase i’m in and i deserve to explore it and have it be respected and feel valid, even if it changes

[cassandralexxx]

This just here so I can hide text under it

Ah ok so recently i posted some long rambly thing about a church group I’m part of and how I really wasn’t sure about if I wanted to continue with it. And like my gist of it was that I was glad that they aren’t active during the summer bc it allows me time and space to reflect of if I want to live that way but… THEY ARE PLAYING MY HAND the sessions are starting up again in beginning of July. I don’t have much time left to think of if I want to do it. It’s not a promise I want to keep. I really don’t want to do it. And yet it feels like what I am meant to do. I don’t want to live unfaithful to myself and Ik those meetings made me feel worse of myself but is it the right way for me to live? I don’t want to live that way. To live that way from an outside perspective seems so sad. So why don’t I accept that it’s bad for me too. I want to be obedient in my faith. It’s funny that the message of how it’s recommencing came today and all my thoughts on this bc in my ethics class we talked about obedience.

“More hideous crimes have been commiteed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion” - Charles Percy Snow

and does that not apply here am I doing wrong is this internal struggle between obedience my fidelis and my rebellion just another flaw that comes with being weak? Or does it mean that I am finally trying not to be a coward in myself.

i don’t think I’ll go… even if I feel I should

Im going to read over my reflection that I wrote for class again to try and process this more.

if I were to speak about this to anyone close to me outside of the church group they would tell me to stop going, they would lacerate and puncture my soul. The comments that would be made about Myself would be so brutal. They wouldn’t understand why I would have joined in the first place. For some of them there would be a pity akin to disgust that would taint their view of me.

i asked myself a lot 1.75 years ago: who am I without my faith

i still believe but I don’t want to be bound to this promise. The lame non notarized contract i signed in the locked church library. I don’t want to deny myself and those I care for.

what pushed me in this direction was the confession I had. If reconciliation frees you of sin why did it make me feel worse. I know why. It’s because it was a betrayal. I betrayed them so fucking hard that I feel shame for it. I confessed to the sin of going on 2 dates with them. I can’t stop thinking about that confession. The way the priest reacted was. It had been two years since my last confession (I typically go annually but I didn’t go the lent prior since I was yknow deathly I’ll and walking to church was a struggle) and starting the confession telling the priest “bless me father for I have sinned it has been 2 years since my last confession” that already had him judging me, wondering what had taken me so long to return. Then my confession of “I have gone on a couple dates with someone who’s not a man”. The priest simply did not understand he was old but still. He was like oh so a woman. And I had to correct him like oh no they were non-binary. And after a short back in forth discussion with the priest where I wouldn’t misgender the person I went out with twice he said “wow you’re sending me back to seminary school”. After my confession at the end he said that “that was a good confession” and that I should go to confession on a monthly basis at least. That wasn’t even my penance. My penance was to pray for someone who was spiritually sick. Clearly implying he meant the person I went out with or any of my queer friends. What a horrible thought, what an awful thing to do. I felt unwell at the thought of it; I prayed for someone who fit the bill and had asked for my prayers before. But the thing he had asked? a betrayal.

I’d be crushed if I knew someone I cared for confessed to the sin of caring for me.

anyways the point of mentioning this is that it’s the reason, one of the pushes that makes me think I won’t attend the meetings in July. Maybe attending those meetings is the righteous thing to do but it’s not the right thing,, it can’t be

idk man this is long rambly complicated but getting the email mentioning the meeting are starting again made me feel so bad. I need to think.

I think what I’m going to do is just read the book they are reading and maybe start going to church twice a week again instead of once a week.

but i won’t go to the meetings bc time and yeah that’s what I’ll say. I am taking 18 credits I’ll just say I don’t got the time to do such a thing.

[younghosfavewhore]

mine forever . 1:27am

part 1 [a]   /  part 2 [s]

wc; 1.5k

plot; nctjohnny!boyfriend x femreader!girlfriend

the members of nct have been stirred up in dating rumors and scandals for the past month. when pictures of johnny meeting with a childhood friend begin to float around, you must remind johhny that he’s yours. forever.

prompts; [a]6 “She was nothing to you, was she? Then prove it.”  [a]20 “People talk- people will always talk...” 

warnings; (mentions of TAEYONG’s injury) fluff?!, jealous reader, angsty!!!

My eyes skim over the articles. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. The headlines seemed to drag on forever, “Johnny Suh; NCT’s 5th member involved in Dating Scandal”. Another read, “NCT Johnny Caught with Foreigner; Photos Below” 

photos?

I couldn’t resist clicking the link that my cursor hovered over. The full article was now displayed onto my screen. The pictures loaded for a second, then they were displayed before me. And there it was, Johnny Suh -my Johnny Suh- at a cafe with a blonde-haired foreigner. I continued scrolling, which was probably a mistake, but I was in shock. Certainly they were doctored by some vengeful sasaeng. Another link pops onto my screen, “NCT Johnny Suh has Foreign Girlfriend? VIDEO FOOTAGE”

you’re fucking kidding me. 

A notification sound blares from my phone, the sixth one in the past half hour. I haven’t even picked up my phone, I know what the notifications are. There was no doubt in my mind that it was Johnny texting me a sad excuse for the video that’s now playing on a loop on my screen. I recognized her. Her blonde hair and small frame. It was his high school sweetheart; Madison. In the video -which was only about 8 seconds long- you could see him embrace her. They stood at the cafe table, drinks in hand, about to depart. Johnny’s long arms then spread out, welcoming her into a hug. He initiated it. Even in front of all these people, all these cameras. He hugged her. He knew exactly what he was doing. Another notification sound blared through my phone speaker. Why did this make me feel so threatened? So weak? I pick up my phone <6 unread texts from johnny❤> I open the messages, taking a deep breath as I do so.

johnny❤: baby?

    y/n? text me when you get this.

    ik you see my texts

    i know you’re upset please just text me

    i can explain, i promise…

    im omw to the hotel, we’ll talk when i get there, ok?

My eyes widen at the last text. Why was he on his way here? What made him think that I wanted to see him?

me: dont bother, i dont think i want to see you rn

I send the text with tears welling in my eyes. I was just beginning to fully wrap my head around the events that unfolded before me.

*ding* <1 new text from johnny❤>

johnny❤: please, y/n

  you know me better than anyone, don’t believe these rumors, y/n

Me: i saw the pictures johnny… and the video. what excuse could you have?

My head began to spin, no way did he think I was going to fall for his pity story.

johnny❤: this is why we’ll talk in person

  i have a lot of explaining to do, i know. just listen to me please

  i’m only 2 minutes away, ill explain everything i promise

Take a deep breath. I think to myself, convincing myself that maybe he would have a good excuse. After all, it's Johnny. Would he ever do anything to hurt me? I struggled to gain composure as I heard a familiar knock on the door. The lock clicked and the door crept open. I stood in the living room of the homey suite. 

“y/n..” Johnny’s voice breaks the silence. He peeks from behind the door.

My eyes meet his and I feel faint. What’s going to happen? I ask myself, not knowing the right answer as hundreds of thoughts fill my head.

He continues inside, closing the door softly behind him. He takes slow strides in my direction, and that’s when the tears well in my eyes. Why? I’m not sure, I’ve always been one to get overwhelmed easily, but this was new. His hand reaches out to take mine and I flinch away. The images of him taking another girl into his arms flashing in my head. 

“Why her? How--” My voice breaks and the tears finally fall from my eyes.

“It’s not at all what you think it is, baby.” His voice was soft and genuine. Almost desperate. 

“Then what is it? Huh?” My voice changed from calm to angry. I took a deep breath in an attempt to try to calm myself back down and I back farther away from him. “I... I was patient. I knew this would happen. I was understanding of the rumors, the lies. But this? These pictures? These videos?” I began to lose my cool. “How could you possibly explain this?” Anger was tainting my words, what was I saying? “If you want to be with her then just say that.” I spit the words out.

Johnny looks taken aback, rightfully so. “It’s not like that.”

“Then what is it, Johnny?!” I shouted, menacingly. “It isn’t adding up.” I plead as my voice cracks. “Please, just fucking explain yourself.”

He walks towards me again, I don’t have the energy to fight him anymore. He takes my hand and places a light kiss on it.

“I know you’re confused. I know you’re angry.” He doesn’t take his eyes off of mine. “People talk. In this industry, people talk so fucking much.” His tone was so gentle; he was hurt but still so gentle with me. “People will always talk, okay, y/n?”

I nod, tears streaming down my face at this point. 

“I’m in the wrong here. You saw the videos, I know, but there’s more to it than that.” He sits me down next to him on the couch.

“I just don’t understand.” My voice trembles. “With the other members, Doyoung, Mark, it was just gossip, easily dismissed. But…” My voice trails off.

“I know.” He sighs and pulls me close to him. “Those pictures were taken completely out of context.” where is he going with this? “Yes, it was Madison. And I’m sorry for meeting up with her without telling you, especially with everything that’s been going on…” He traced his fingers in small circles along my back, something he often did when he needed to calm me down. He sighs and pulls me closer to him, we sit in silence for a bit before he continues. “As you know, Taeyong… His injury?”

I nod my head against his chest. “I know…” I whisper in response. what does that have to do with anything?

“Well… Madison, when I met with her at the cafe,” He paused, awaiting a reaction but I didn’t give one. I wanted to hear him out. He continues, “She moved here a few months ago. It has nothing to do with me, or NCT as a whole.” He disclaims. “She’s studying abroad here for a journalist internship. She’s-”

“Get to the point,” I whisper, barely being able to hear him ramble on about her.

He places a kiss on the top of my head. “Everyone knew about Yong’s injury; the managers, the staff, even the stage crew noticed it.” I wince a bit at the thought of Taeyong having to deal with this kind of injury. “You were busy with studies and I didn’t want you worrying about me or the boys. I vented to Madison about it. She explained that she had ties to news sources that could have exposed SM for overworking him. So…” He sighs, “She threatened SM. Unless they gave us all a break or hiatus, she threatened to report it to national broadcasting stations.”

“Wait-” I interrupt him, the puzzle pieces finally fitting together in my head. 

“Let me finish.” He cuts me off in return. “I wanted to treat her to coffee while she was still in town, as a thank you. Nothing more. Because of her, me and the boys were able to finally get a break and Taeyong is finally getting rest.” He explains.

im such a fucking idiot, i think to myself.

I was speechless, how could I have been this stupid. I finally built up the courage to look up at him; his eyes scanning my face for a reaction. 

“I’m sorry.” It’s all I can mutter out in my state of embarrassment. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s ok. I promised to be transparent about this stuff and instead I hid it from you. I’m in the wrong too. I’m sorry.” He replies, softly. His hands trailed up and down my back.

I look into his eyes again, begging for forgiveness without saying a single word. He got the hint and leaned in to press a soft peck to my lips. 

“I love you,” I said, my lips brushing against his as our foreheads rested on each other.

He smiles before kissing me back. “I love you, too.”

“So, she means nothing?” The sudden, whispered, inquiry was cold in the quiet air.

There was a pause, a moment that I nearly regretted asking.

“She means nothing.” He said, his voice was gruff and direct.

“Then prove it.” The words rolled off my tongue, and before I had time to think, Johnny’s lips were pressed back up against mine.

[eclipticcal]

postcards - part 1 (ch)

a/n: hey loves sooo this is gonna be part one to my first series !!! this is based off the song postcard by troye sivan - hope you all enjoy <3

warnings: swearing & slight smut ??? mostly just angsty cal and y/n

requested: no, but requests are open !!

prompt: in which calum sends you an abundance of postcards from each of his tour stops, but you can’t bring yourself to respond after past actions that can’t be made up for

————————

this morning i received yet another postcard from calum. i had gotten one from every tour stop so far. this one was from tokyo. i read over calums messy, yet legible handwriting that once again stated that he loved me and missed me, but i couldn’t reciprocate those feelings anymore.

every single time i got another postcard from another foreign place, i thought of the feelings that i’d hoped to have forgotten by now. the cards always read the same:

dear y/n,

i love you and i miss you so fucking much. i know you read these. please respond

love, cal

those last two words always got me. “love, cal”. he couldn’t love me. not after what he did that night.

and i never know how to handle them. no matter how many letters i receive, i still can’t bring myself to respond to them. but at the same time, every time i hold one in my hand and read over the words again and again my heart starts to race and butterflies form in my stomach and i remember what it’s like to be with calum. and that’s where the pain starts. because calum was my everything, and now i can’t even bear to hear his name without getting an uneasy feeling in my stomach all because of some drunken mistake that i’ve chosen not to forgive.

*flashback*

i walked into the house party that andy decided to host in celebration for the first show of tour being complete.

it was supposed to be a surprise that i was here. i had wanted to congratulate calum on his new tour that had been off to a great start, and what better than to surprise him on tour.

as i entered through the two grand, white doors, i was greeted with the scent of hard liquor, which was to be expected. my eyes scanned the crowd, littered with couples grinding up against each other, the place where i hoped to end up with cal.

that’s when my eyes landed on ashton, leaning against a wall, red solo cup in hand, with his shirt half unbuttoned. as i walked towards him i started to feel increasingly uncomfortable with my surroundings. the loud music pounded against my ear drums, barely allowing myself any space to think. as i approached him, his eyes caught mine and a smile flashed on his face as he closed the distance between us with a hug, making me slightly more comfortable due to the familiarity of his scent.

“hey y/n, how’ve you been?” ashton giggled as the words spilled out of his mouth. it was apparent that he was very drunk, as he stumbled away from the hug, as was everyone around us.

“i’m good ash, do you know where cal is?” i asked, uncertain he’d be able to form a coherent answer due to his current state. but i was proven wrong as ashton lazily pointed his finger towards the sliding glass doors at the back of the room.

“he just went outside with a few people for a smoke” ashton shouted over the music, his smile slightly fading as he turned himself towards the table filled with cups and drinks next to him. he poured some indistinguishable alcohol into the cup, handing it to me, “but before you go, take this”

i took the cup from his hand and took a small sip before setting off towards the backdoors, it was vodka. i hated vodka. before i reached the back door, i set the cup down on the nearest table, wanting to rid myself of the substance immediately.

as i slid open the glass doors, i was met with the cool, fresh air hitting my face. i had only been in the house for a few minutes but i found myself enjoying the much needed break from the scent of alcohol. i stepped onto the wooden porch and scanned the back for calum. and that’s when i saw him, grasping another girls waist to bring it close to his own. i watched as his lips grazed hers, the taste of alcohol dancing on their lips. his lips moved from hers down to her neck, as she let out a soft moan, letting her head fall back and her hands slide down his chest. a wave of jealousy came over my body, that should be me. my skin turned pale and suddenly, i couldn’t see straight. my dizziness brought me to my hands and knees as i crawled to the side of the patio to try and regain my composure. all i could think is that should be me.

a man standing near calum took in my appearance and became familiar with my state of panic before yelling over to me, “hey are you okay?” causing everyone in the area to look up from their activities and towards me — including calum.

he paused his rendezvous with the mystery girl and looked up, revealing numerous bruises covering his neck. when his eyes met mine, his entire demeanor took a turn. his hands left the girls waist as he moved her hands to push her off of himself. he went into panic. whenever he was panicking he would make frantic movements, and that’s exactly what he was doing. his hands flew up to his hair to run his fingers through it nervously. even in his drunken state, he’d known he fucked up.

he stumbled towards me, and as his hands landed in mine to help me sit up, his eyes met my teary ones. he opened his mouth as if to talk but closed it again. he collected his thoughts before saying the five fatal words you were expecting to fall from his mouth, “it’s not what you think.”

and then i got up, and without saying a word i turned towards the half open sliding glass doors. i knew once i went through those doors it was all over. no matter how much i wanted to let him explain himself i know it would just hurt more. so without turning back, i walked through the doors. and it was over.

*end flashback*

the memories of the night flooded over me as i prepared myself for a decision that would change it all.

“you okay?” i heard from behind me as i turned around to be greeted by my roommate, addie.

“yeah” i dryly responded as i explained to her that i’d received another postcard. she understood the pain i’d been enduring since she’d been there for time the entire time i was dealing with this situation.

“why don’t you just text him,” she offered, “at this point i don’t think he’s gonna stop if you keep ignoring him. i mean he’s kept going for almost 20 shows.”

“i know, i just don’t want to fall back in love with him and have to deal with the pain all over again,” i lowly muttered.

“i think you should try. just tell him you want him to stop and you want to move on,” she suggested.

“but i don’t want to move on. something has me stuck on him,” i retorted.

addie searched my eyes for any sense of anger towards him, but she found none. all she saw was a broken girl looking for answers, “then tell him that.”

and with that she gave me a pat on the back and returned to her activities. i thought about her advice and decided that maybe i should let him explain himself. so i sat down with my phone and clicked on his contact. all of my old text messages with him resurfaced, reminding me of how much i really did miss him. so i started typing.

y/n: hey cal, i know it’s been awhile since we’ve talked but i’ve been getting your postcards and i think we should talk. call me when you can.

i put my phone back into my pocket and opened my laptop as i started to type a report for one of my college courses. my phone was burning a hole in my pocket, and as every minute passed, i would periodically check my phone for a response. thirty minutes had passed before i had finally received what i’d been waiting for.

calum: hey love

love. he always used to call me love. it made my heart melt every time he said it and it still does. why does he have this effect on me? a second text.

calum: i’ll call you in a few

now i was freaking out. it’d been months since i’d heard his voice, since we’d talked, and i didn’t know how to prepare myself. my phone started vibrating, as i looked down at the called id and saw a familiar picture of calum and i kissing pop up, the butterflies rushed to my stomach. i never changed the picture. after a few rings i hesitantly picked up, “hello?”

“hey love,” calum breathed out. love. there it was again.

“calum-“ i had just barely started my sentence, but he knew me too well to know i’d start rambling if he didn’t stop me while i was ahead.

“i know i have a lot of explaining to do, but listen. the asian wing of tour ends tomorrow and i’m flying back to la the next day and we have a few days off. i’d much rather speak to you in person. i’m so sorry i did this to you, but i need to explain this face to face, please.” i could hear the desperation in his voice. i knew all he wanted was a chance to explain himself these past few months and this was his one chance. i can’t believe i’m giving in to him.

“okay. i guess that’s fine, but calum you really fucked me up. i cant believe i’m giving you a second chance right now, please don’t fuck it up again.” i begged him. i couldn’t help but feel the need to hold his hand in mine.

“i promise i won’t, y/n. i’ve hurt you enough. i’ll meet you at the cafe on the corner by my house on monday. i’ll text you when i’m going. is that okay?” he was being so soft with me. i could tell that he knew he messed up, but he sounded so sincere with his words that i didn’t know what to believe.

i took a deep breath and reluctantly agreed, “okay,”

“okay,” he responded as he let out a shaky breath, and i could hear the smile on his face as he repeated, “okay”

—————————

a/n: soooo that was part 1 !! ik it’s probably really poorly edited cuz i did it all myself but i hope you enjoyed reading !! feel free to request suggestions for where u want this story to go - ily all & thank u sm for reading