#ill be there someway somehow thats what being friends is about!!!

[iknaenmal]

GOT THE BEIN-FRIENDS URL

[thefourthwifeoftengenuzui]

May I please ask for headcanons Aoba Johsai with a manager whose skilled with archery and sharpshooting please

Yes of course! Sorry for the wait I was working on a Rindou piece and my physics exam. It’s like 3Am right now, but I still want to finish this for you boo. Thanks again For requesting Anon, if you like this, don’t forget to like and ask if you have any other ideas. Also, you didn’t specify which you wanted, so this can be interpreted as romantic or platonic. Status: unedited

warnings: crackfic, bad grammar, cursing, violence, oikawa exists, oikawa slander, color coded characters, reader is a whole ass menace, mentions of vaping

🩵🤍Aoba Josai With a Sharpshooter/ Archer Manager🤍🩵

As a Team (platonic)

Oikawa, Iwazumi, Kunimi, Kiyotani, Kindaichi, Matsukawa, you

My first thought when I looked at this post was simple. How many times and we hit oikawa in the head. Everything else kinda spiraled from there. Just imagine being able to do that shit with pinpoint accuracy, and when he turns around to see who did it, be like the gremlin chick from hotel transilivania and be like ,” I didn’t do that”. And then he proceeds to blame Iwa, and pure unrefined chaos erupts from there. *clears throat and sips matcha* good shit

But on a more serious note, these boys are completely ready to take full advantage of your skills. Remember when oikawa sprained his ankle? Guess who had to replicate his serves instead so they could practice receives. That’s right, you. And your aim is a little too good sometimes (Kindiachi has been hit in the face) but they honestly don’t care, they just looking to get practice in, and maybe a few tips here and there for aiming.

But that’s just during their practice. During your archery or other practice. Oh my god. Imagine having like 12 annoying older brothers. Like both Archery and Sharpshooting are pretty quiet sports. But with these mfs at your practice? Oh dear lord. These gon be the most obnoxiously loud humans to walk the planet (3rd only to Fukurodani and Kurasuno). Imagine with me. It’s so silent you can hear a pin drop. You’re trying to concentrate before you’re pulling back your string. You take a deep breath and just as you’re about to let go- “WOOOOOOOO THATS MY LIL SISSSSSS/BROOOO!!!” “SHUT UP SHITTY KAWA!THEY NEED TO FOCAS!” “HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IWA!?” “YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH AN DUMBASS!” “IF YALL DONT SHUT THE FUCK UP ILL SHUT YOU UP MYSELF” yeah they’re THAT kind of sports parents. They got kicked out last time :)

I just know yall have made oikawa put an apple on his head and see if you can hit his head. Ofc you can, but it’s funnier hitting him with the Velcro arrows and watching him rip his hair out, and ruining it for the day (his fangirls hated you for that lol.)

I just KNOW that the other teams got some crazy ass conspiracies about you. They call you the Seijo Assassin, and that you kill the best players of the opposing team, and they never find the bodies. And tbh it was probably oikawa who started it, to get back at you for getting Velcro stuck in his hair. So while you’re just as hot as kiyoko, everyone is terrified of you, and are only referring to you as L/n-sama (even though you’re only a second year.). I swear to fuck hinata pissed himself when tsukki told the team about you.

also yall know the sharpshooter shaving cream balloon prank thingy? I know damn well the whole team is having a competition for who can do it best. Like it’s literally so funny, especially when someone not on the team gets hit. Like I know oikawa has accidentally hit the coach with one of those. Do with this information what you will.

Individuals: Could be romantic or platonic, either way fits (though both are seriously on crack.)

Somehow or someway, Oikawa will convince you to be his bodyguard. And not even like paying you money. Just like a, “ YoU wOnT wALk yOuR pOor dEfEnSLeSS FRiEnD tO cLAss? WhAt iF my FAnGirlS Kidnap MeEEEEE?!” “yep.” “Do you even Love Meeeeeee!?” “Nope.” “…I’ll pay you~” “pay me what?” “Food~” “DONE!” *throws chair out window* yeah y’all’s relationship is pretty much just blitz and stolas in the loo loo land episode. Like when Stolas was just walking while Blitz is pretending to be Batman, lurking in the shadows and pointing a gun at anything with a pulse? Yeah that’s you two walking around the school, except with a nerf gun instead.

oh and you know the team jackets? He bought you yours. But not just any jacket oh no. Yours is special. He payed extra to have it say, “The Seijo Assasin; Oikawa’s bobyguard.” He also might have gotten it in 4xl because he doesn’t know your size, but still wants it to be way to big on you so he can make fun of you. He’s an ass.

Iwazumi is much nicer on the other hand. He (regardless of if it’s platonic or romantic,) is all about helping you carry your stuff. He doesn’t even ask either, he just kinda picks it up and does it. He says it isn’t a big deal, and that you’re carrying enough with your archery equipment anyway, and that he needs the weight training anyway. Def the kinda guy to use your backpack as a dumbbell and use it to lift while y’all in the hall.

I know y'all have a running competition on who can hit oikawa in the head the most. Body shots are one point, head shots are worth 2, and the groin is worth 3, especially if he’s being creepy to someone. The score is currently 34-31, slightly in your favor. Whoever hits him the least by the end of the month has to buy the winner ramen. Oikawa doesn’t approve of this game, and ends up attempting to bump everything back your way. But on the bright side, it’s a good way to scare off his fangirls :).

Kunimi just kinda vibes with you. Like he doesn’t really acknowledge much of what you do, just kinda goes like, “ oh so that’s why you were so good at that. I just thought you hated oikawa. Anyway can I have your Chez-its?” Yeah my boy don’t care enough, but he cute so yeah.

also I just know this mf, plays Fortnite and vapes blue raspberry burst. Do with that what you will. ( to be clear, I wouldn’t ever vape, i just know he does, and honestly had to look up what flavors there are.

The honesty biggest thing you do that impresses him is the whole good aim card slicey thingy. Idk man, he just seems like he would be good at that, and would try to fight you on it.

Despite everything, Kyotani is actually relatively nice to you? Or at least as nice as he can be. His version of nice is avoiding you like the plague, cause he’s scared you’ll be scared of him. He actually really likes you and wants an excuse to talk to you. So what does he do? Asks you to help him aim while spiking, so that he can use his strength more efficiently. He actually is pretty patient with your teaching, and genuinely respects you enough to take your advice. ( tell him to shower pls, I can smell him through the screen, luv him though)

He also uses a whole bottle of axe body spray every time he walks out of the house . Be careful not to get too close to him. Please find someone strong, or stupid enough to bully him out of it, for the sake of the teams lungs🙏

Kindaichi is probably the only person on the team who still calls you Y/n- senpai. He’s way too precious. That being said, he still did give you a twenty if you hit kageyama with a vollyball during warmups. He may be nice, but he mad petty. And $20 is $20 man

Matsukawa is definitely a COD type of guy. He knows a lot about guns. Bond over that (then give me his number pls)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading, sorry the last part was rushed, I am just not feeling it rn. If y’all liked this make sure to follow, Like, and request something of your own. I literally have nothing else to do. Love y’all sm, peace

-joden

[silenthearts]

Ghost of you part II

Part I 

warning: deals with death and grief. not proof read either. Enjoy

“Whatever happens, don’t stop smiling. I love your squishy cheeks and how your eyes crinckle” you smile “ I want you to keep laughing until you can’t breathe. I know Luke or anyone else isn't as funny as me, but it will have to do. “ You giggle, your pale lips and dark undereyes were so noticeable and yet you looked so beutiful, Calum could not contain his smile at your teasing.  Even at the lowest of your low you were still funny, you still carried him and comforted him throughout, you still asked about his day and insisted on making sure he felt fine before you did.

It had been a year since you left. Life had become bearable, or almost. A few months ago Calum finally decided to look through your things and when he did he found it. 

You kept a usb pen with a letter to him, a letter that simply read “see me” . Inside there were hours and hours of video. a diary you kept on the last months of your terminal illness. Calum couldn’t watch them at first, especially cuz they were specifically diected at him and although he missed you he couldn’t hear you say his name and talk directly to him without crying so hard his head hurt and his lungs stopped working properly.

But it had been a year. He was better, Mali had helped him, his friends had helped him.

Even at times when Calum was an asshole to them, thats how he coped at the time.

He finally reached the last video. The one that read “Don’t Stop”. When he saw it he kinda laughed to himself about your little reference to a silly song he once wrote to cheer you up and you two made fun of immensily. 

He smiled in adoration at the screen. At you. You suddenly got serious as you looked at the webcam. “I hope you fall in love. I hope you go out, I hope you have fun. There’s no point slumping around like a potato or drinking yourself to death. 

Just because my life is over it doesn’t mean yours has to. You’re wonderful and amazing and I want you to fall in love again, fall in love with someone almost as good as me... “ you smile “ almost.” you let out a cheeky laugh, the one he loved so much. 

He paused the video. He couldn’t hear you anymore. He knows he hasn’t done what you want him to. He knows you would not be proud of him. He tried , god he swears he tried.  But he couldn’t leave the bench that sat in front of your grave, him and Duke did regular walks there. It was their new spot. 

He couldn’t date, he couldn’t look at another woman without feeling like he was cheating on you. He rubs his teary eyes as he closes the laptop, once again being hit with the silence of your empty home which you made him promise to keep clean in one of the videos. He has, mostly.

He can’t get off his usual spot on the couch so instead he once again opens his laptop. When he is about to close the video he notices a minute or so left of the video. He takes a deep breath as he clicks play.

“You’re stubborn Calum. You always were but please go outside. Feel the sun while you still can. 

Walk Duke and take him to the park, he likes to play with Petunia.

Go to the cinema 

Go to the pub

Enjoy the fresh air and our favourite beach.

Get married

Have children

Get a friend for Duke.”

You sigh. “Don’t let the ghost of me haunt you forever, cuz i couldn’t stand it. I love you, and I always will. “

The video ends and this time calum is sobbing into his hands but thyre not tears of sadness and frustration like many have been. They were acceptance, he accepted you were gone but he knew you were a part of him, a part of everyone’s life. Someone as bright as you illuminmated everyone’s lives, and although his was dark for a minute, you were once again the light at the end of the dark tunnel. He could not do what you asked right away, no. 

But time heals, and he hopes time will pass, new plants will grow in the place of the ones that died. New things will come and although he knew it would take time, you’d be with him someway, somehow forever in his memories and thoughs.

[pilot-boi]

Shouting In Cafes: Chapter Twelve

Data Acquired

Scarlet meets Sun and realizes some things that are blatantly obvious to him if that aren’t obvious to his roommate. Neptune, meanwhile, wishes nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die.

AO3 LINK

“Look at my hair!” Neptune gestured wildly to the absolute mess sitting atop his head. “This takes time, as you very well know!” he yelled, scurrying off the bed and immediately yanking open his drawers to pull together a somewhat sensible outfit.

“You know, Jaune would probably say ‘Don’t worry Neptune! Friends don’t care if their friend’s hair is messy!’”  Scarlet remarked offhandedly.

“Well, I care!”

“Yeah, I don’t blame you. You do look like a hot mess.”

“Oh thanks for the vote of confidence, dude,” Neptune snapped, tugging on a pair of pants while hopping on one leg. All he succeeded in doing with this maneuver was toppling to the ground while Scarlet laughed.

With Scarlet’s help, he finally got into an outfit that didn’t look like he’d just rolled out of bed. “He’s late,” Neptune grumbled, arms crossed.

“One minute late,” Scarlet sighed from beside him.

“He said give him an hour.”

“No one means exactly an hour, Neptune. We can’t all be perfectly on time.”

“Should I seriously wear this?” Neptune asked, gesturing vaguely at his shirt. “I look obscenely gay.”

“I like the flower print. Why? Do you think he’s going to ask you about it?”

“Is it bad? Should I change?”

“Neptune, I was just teas-”

“It’s bad, you’re right. I’m gonna change.” 

Luckily, just as Neptune was spun around to walk back into the room, an echoing voice down the hall yelled, “Neptune! Bro!”

And five seconds later, a large hand clapped onto Neptune’s back, forcibly turning him around.

Sun looked… clean. Weirdly clean. An-effort-was-put-into-his-look clean. What the effort might have been for, Neptune could not guess in a million years. It escaped his notice that he’d also put in similar effort for this “event,” but surely that was unrelated.

His hair was messy, it was always messy, but it looked like more thought was put into the chaos than usual. Like, maybe he tried a couple times before he got the windblown look exactly right.

His shirt wasn’t horribly wrinkled, though it did say “I’M HERE (YOU’RE WELCOME)” in that same horrible impact font and it, again, had no sleeves. He wore board shorts, because of course he was, but somehow, someway, he was not wearing open-toed shoes. Instead adorning his feet were pristine black and yellow converse, either newly bought or newly dry cleaned.

Neptune had to admit that he was impressed.

“Wow,” he began. “You look-”

“This is the first time I’ve seen you out of your work clothes!” Sun yelled, effectively cutting him off. “You do have a sense of style, I could tell.”

Neptune frowned. “Is that because of the gay thing.”

“Bi thing. And no, I think it was because of the hair. Or the glasses.” Sun raised an eyebrow, a cocky smirk pulling at his face as he began to turn around, arms extended as if to show off what he was wearing. “It’s nice to find someone with comparably good taste in clothes.”

Neptune grimaced in distaste. “My sense of style is not comparable to yours.”

Sun slapped his hand back onto Neptune’s shoulder. “Oh, you look great, don’t sell yourself short!”

Before Neptune could object to this, he was being pulled into a very tight hug, complete with manly man thumps on the back.

Neptune couldn’t bring himself to hug back, but he could apparently bring himself to notice how warm Sun was. And of course how he could feel every single muscle in his arms.

Scarlet appeared in his peripheral vision, giving Neptune a thumbs up. Thanks for nothing, man.

Finally, Sun released his captive, still gripping his shoulders on either side, still smiling like a madman. “You know, I was a little afraid that we were never actually gonna hang out! You waited, like, two whole days before texting me at all!” He was pouting now, eyes wide in that stupid puppy dog look.

“Isn’t that proper etiquette?” Neptune asked carefully, deciding not to mention that it was actually Scarlet who had texted back, and that if it had been left up to him, maybe there would never have been a second contact.

“Maybe for dates, but not for friends!” Sun slid to Neptune’s side, and slung an arm over his shoulders. “Unless this is a date, handsome.” And a wink, always with the damn winking.

Neptune laughed, not nervously, never nervously, and shrugged off the arm. “Not a date, you wish. Just doing… something. What are we doing again?”

“Oh! That’s right. It’s a surprise.” Sun wiggled his fingers, as if somehow that added to the mystery.

“Wow,” Neptune deadpanned, fighting the urge to laugh at this giant child. Can’t let him know that he was actually amused by his antics, that would be admitting defeat.

“You two have fun! Just text me when you get back, Neptune,” Scarlet called. He had apparently been edging himself down the hallway while thie interaction occurred, and suddenly Neptune panicked.

Jesus, God. He was about to be left alone with this madman.

“Oh!” Sun spun around, stepping towards Scarlet and capturing one of his hands in two of his. “I didn’t see you! You know Neptune?”

“Yes, I’m his roommate, Scarlet,” he said. He was tracing his eyes up and down Sun, as if sizing him up. Neptune felt torn between rolling his eyes in amusement at the look of delight on Sun’s face upon meeting a new potential friend, and horror at what the fuck Scarlet was doing, and not even subtly at that.

“Nice to meet you, Scarlet!” Sun exclaimed, shaking his roommate’s arm hard enough that Neptune thought it might fall off.

“Likewise,” Scarlet said, prying his fingers out of Sun’s vice grip. “Nice one, Neptune,” he shot over Sun’s shoulder to Neptune, who was still standing frozen in mortification. Scarlet’s eyes took one last look up and down Sun, who blessedly seemed not to notice. “This one’s a keeper.”

“Scarlet!” Neptune hissed, flushing as red as his roommate’s hair. 

Just at the same moment, Sun rubbed the back of his neck and grinned. “Aw thanks, dude! I try.”

“Just bring him back to me in one piece, alright?” Scarlet asked Sun, shooting Neptune an incredibly knowing look. How dare he. This was betrayal of the highest order.

“Can do!” Sun said and twirled back to Neptune. He moved so constantly that it was almost dizzying to look at. Neptune began to feel ill and fought to get the flush out of his cheeks. Sun grabbed Neptune’s hand, leading him away. “It was great meeting you! Come on bro, let’s go!”

“Agh, Jesus, you haven’t even told me where we’re going!”

“It’s a surprise!” Curse the delight in his voice, how dare he sound so excited about potentially kidnapping him.

Neptune caught Scarlet’s eye as he was dragged away. He was leaning in the doorway of their shared room, arms crossed and one eyebrow raised sardonically. 

‘Help me!’ Neptune mouthed at him.

He was yanked around the corner before he could get a response in return.

Sun was blathering away, talking about nothing and generally making a huge ruckus. Neptune’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he fished it out as best he could while being yanked down a hallway by an excitable child.

Red Rackham: You said he was tall, you never said he was cute

Ocean Man: Dude what the fuck?!

Red Rackham: Hey, I’m just telling it how it is

Red Rackham: Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, you two lovebirds ;)

Ocean Man: Theres nothing you wouldnt do!

Ocean Man: And we are not lovebirds!

Red Rackham: Sure you’re not

Red Rackham: I’ve only seen you have one conversation, and you two were acting like an old married couple

Red Rackham: He even tried to get all spiffed up for your little date, it’s adorable

Ocean Man: It is not a date!

Red Rackham: Bullshit

Ocean Man: And he is not adorable

Red Rackham: Bull

Ocean Man: Were not even friends!

Red Rackham: Shit

Ocean Man: Come on man dont be like that

Red Rackham: I think he likes you

Red Rackham: He was flirting with you hardcore

Neptune froze. Or he froze as much as he could while getting tugged down a stairwell by a giant with volume control issues.  

Neptune had long since  tuned out of whatever conversation he was having with Sun, but luckily Sun was talking loudly and enthusiastically seemingly without needing any input from him. He was waving one of his hands around excitedly as he talked, but not both.

Sun was still holding his hand.

His phone buzzed.

Red Rackham: Earth to Neptune, come in Neptune

Ocean Man: You really think he was flirting with me?

Red Rackham: Oh I know so

Red Rackham: He said you looked great, complimented you at every turn

Red Rackham: The man could not keep his hands off you

Ocean Man: Thats just what hes like with everyone it doesn’t mean anything.

Red Rackham: Neptune

Ocean Man: It doesnt mean anything!

Ocean Man: And even if he was flirting with me.

Ocean Man: Which he is not.

Ocean Man: Its not like I have a crush on him so it doesnt matter.

Red Rackham: Whatever you say

Red Rackham: Have fun on your not-date-totally-a-date

Red Rackham: I have to update Jaune, he needs these deets

Ocean Man: Scarlet I swear to god you better fucking not!

Ocean Man: You better not be texting Jaune.

Ocean Man: Scarlet?

Ocean Man: Oh god fucking dammit.

With his roommate abandoning him, and the very real idea that he might be getting into cahoots with his coworker to cook up some sort of horrible plan based on very untrue accusations, Neptune felt fear of the likes of which he’d never felt before.

He barely even noticed Sun holding the door of his car open for him to get into. He definitely didn’t notice the too-fond looks Sun kept shooting at him as they drove too many miles over the speed limit and Neptune panicked.

Sun only let go of his hand to drive. Neptune wondered behind the panic of the drive if his heart was racing from the high speeds and the wind rushing through his hair, or if it was from how Sun seemed unable to stop himself from glancing expectantly over at Neptune every time he made a joke or a sly comment.

Or if it was how Sun’s cheeks flushed and his eyes twinkled with delight whenever Neptune shot back with snark of his own.

[this-blog-should-not-exist]

How does one even date?

(its a long one oh boy) 

Dating has always been hard for me, growing up I never really had an interest with girls because I mean, Im gay. But I didn't know that growing up so I never really thought twice about it. I had so many friends that were girls and what in my mind were crushes on them but nothing ever happened, it was elementary school. 

The only real crush I can said I confidently had on a girl is my best friend i’ll call SH. I met SH when I was in middle school, I’ll never forget the day she sat with me on the bus ride home. The first sort of interaction I had with her, we just talked and talked and talked the whole ride, before she got off the bus she gave me her cell phone number. Not because she was hitting on me but because we were becoming friends. She and Jo actually dated for the longest time, thats more of how I met her, Jo introduced me. But me and her just hit it off. Once we started high school we just never stopped talking, always I was with her and just we were the best of friends. It was also during this time when I started high school that I developed what i now know was depression, I didn't know it at the time but I would just fall into these periods of time that would sometimes last for a few days where I just wouldn't want to do anything. Nothing that usually brought me enjoyment helped. Like I said though it would last a few days then disappear until about a month later. But anyways it was in the end of my sophomore year I actually dated this other girl I’ll call Cry, I had only really known Cry for about a year, I had met her in our freshman year. She was pretty cool, had some similar interests in bands and movies and art, she also ran cross country and track with me. But she had a major crush on me I guess and so Im like sure why not. But by that point I had began to question my sexuality. It was the beginning of that whole thing so I just pushed it to the back of my head like nah Im not gay pshh. But so I agreed to date Cry, but I had no idea what I was doing. Nothing felt any different, I didn't feel like obligated to be with her all the time, to hold her hand or kiss her or anything really. Nothing inside me changed. People had asked me like, why aren’t you with your girlfriend? The don't you wait for her after class or walk with her anywhere. How was I supposed to know? She was the first girlfriend I ever had, I had no idea what I was and waste supposed to do. So after a week I broke up with her, now Im also god awful at confrontation when it comes to important stuff so I wrote her a note and left it with her stuff after school and left. I felt bad but I knew that what I was doing wasn’t right, being in a relationship should feel more than that.

So after Cry I had began to turn my attention to Sh, because by that point I was beginning to understand what being in a relationship was supposed to be like. What it was to like someone and want to be with them. When I try to think about the time frame in which everything happen it all blurs a bit now. Now that I think about it, I think the whole ordeal with Cry happened the end of freshman year. I think it was the beginning of sophomore year Sh and Jo had broken up because surprise surprise Jo was gay. It made me laugh because right after they broke up he said to her Hey you should date him, talking about me. By this time I was like halfway understanding that I was gay. So junior year me and Sh hung out all the time, like I mean all the time, we texted so much, hung out after school when we could, went to each others houses all the time, we told each other everything. She truly is my best friend. But we had decided to try and “date” as we said, most people thought we were dating anyway which made both of us laugh. I remember one night, my mom and brothers were going to see Monsters University and Man of Steel in a drive in theatre and I invited Sh along because me and her are giant fucking nerds and really wanted to see Man of Steel. Mom still laughs this day because the moment we picked Sh up till we got to the movie me and Sh did not stop talking the whole car ride. But on the drive back it was late maybe about midnight or 1 and me and Sh were sharing headphones. I let her pick the songs off my phone but she had placed my phone on my thigh but left her hand on it. In my mind I was thinking “do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. Lay your hand on hers, do it. Its what she wants you to do and you know it.” I never did. Me and her had talked about it later, like yeah I was entirely aware of it but I was still unsure. She confirmed my thoughts.

 It was that summer between sophomore and junior year that I told her I was gay. I told her on my 15th birthday actually. We were texting and having a serious conversation about our relationship, I had texted her Im gay then I immediately dropped my phone and took a half hour shower and didn't respond. I was terrified of her response. Of course she was mad at me. Now in my mind my thought process from the beginning was, alright, I’ll see where it’l go with Sh. If it doesn't work out and I don't feel anything for her then I must be gay because if I was straight me and her would be living together at this moment and would have been dating for over 3 years now. She was my fail safe, if I wasn’t attracted to her then it was a surefire sign I was gay. And she called me out on it, she said I had used her. And she was right, I felt awful I cried so much that night. I may not be sexually attracted to her but god damn it I do love her like family. She is my absolute best friend and I would do anything for her, me may have butted heads and not agreed on everything but we still are best friends to this day. I really hope she feels the same way. 

My nest summer between my junior and senior year I had my first boyfriend. I’ll call him Z. Now Im not sure if it was just because he was my first chance at a boyfriend or what but I'm not sure why I dated him to begin with. He was a year older than me, a giant theater kid, had to be the center of attention for every conversation, will talk over you in conversations, just very loud in general and energetic. But he was so sweet, he really cared about how I felt and respected my boundaries. He truly cared about my well being, but he was also a little controlling with who I talked to and hung out with. To this day he has been my longest relationship at 4 months. Towards the end of the relationship I had began to just lose this spark I had, he began to feel overbearing and too much for me. I had just wanted to calm down and relax, he was also much more sexual than me. I have still to this day never had sex or anything. He had done so much more than me but respected my boundaries and moved at my pace which I respect him for so much. But I had broken up with him just after 4 months because I had lost the spark. I broke up with him through text because as I said I am horrible at confrontation, I knew he would cry and that would make me feel terrible and probably cry and just I knew it would not end well if I did it in person. I said though I would still like to be friends and he agreed. I still talk to him every now and again. He's a good person still

A few months after me and Z he had got another boyfriend ill call H. A few weeks after that I had began talking to another guy I’ll call T. T had actually messaged me first through instagram. I had never seen or talked to him before. He had gone to one of Z’s performances and that was the one time I had ever seen him. Turns out he began talking to C just to talk to me, so he used C to get closer to me which I felt bad for. But T and I had dated for about a month? Im not sure really it wasnt a long time. He was kind of rude really, constantly insulting me in someway or teasing me but not in a playful way. I had called him out on it and he had gotten better at least. In my opinion he was much more attractive than Z, at least in the face. T was really sweet as well, so calm and kind, smart, thoughtful, but still kind of a dick somehow. He had began to get pretty clingy asking for me to hangout every weekend. During that time I was in swim season so literally every weekend I had a meet all day and Sundays I worked and I had just gotten my license so I couldn't be out late plus my curfew. It was just a hard time, plus I had also lost the spark pretty fast as well. Eventually he called me at a swim meet and we had broke up. Said we should take a break and see other people. We didn't talk for a few weeks but then he texted me a few times but I still wasn't feeling anything for him and that was that really. I do miss him at least, he was a cool person but dating just didn't work out for us. That doesn't mean I never wanted to see him again. He never talks to me anymore, I hope he’s doing well. He’s got a new boyfriend now, he didn't date or talk to anyone since me I don't think but at least he seems happy now. That Im glad for at least. 

After T I didn't talk to anyone for almost over 2 years. Going into dating T, I was aware that it probably wouldn't last long because I was going to college in Portland, OR and long distance would be impossible. So I started something I knew that had an expiration date on which I felt bad about but part of me was like no you never know it may work out! But of course it didn't. That summer between Junior and Senior year was a very lonely one, my depression hit me pretty hard. At the time I still wasn’t really aware of what it was but part of me was like nah you can't be depressed. You’re such a happy person thats stupid. It was a hard time. Once I got out to Portland, that winter I had met and talked to a new guy, my most recent boyfriend i’ll call A. At first I wasn’t sure how to take A, he was very straightforward which was nice. I think the first interaction I had with him was at an art museum and he just turns to me and says “has anyone told you how attractive you are?” and just I'm an awkward person in general, I have no idea how to react to compliments I am still terrible with them. Idk what to say because I don't want to sound conceited and full of myself but what do you say just thank you? Idk but after that he had my attention and we slowly began to start talking. That winter before Christmas break we had made it official and started dating. He honestly is the sweetest person i’ve dating so far, he was so incredibly caring, he helped me through so much, so many panic attacks and random things of anxiety. I stayed at his dorm so many nights in a row, I saw him just about every day for about a month I think. He respected my boundaries but also challenged me and what I was into. Now I myself have and will never give a blowjob, I just don't understand them, why would I want to put my mouth down there I already don't like my own body hair I'm not gonna stick my mouth in all that. Dicks are weird, but he has given me a few blowjobs. Im indifferent with them, they just feel weird. Not bad but not like pleasurable either really. He was the first boyfriend, or other person in general for that matter that I have let seen me naked. He had also brought up the idea to take a bath or shower together as well but I never did. Every night I saw him he wanted to do something though and just after a while I wanted to do something else. I felt like he was only with me for my dick. I hate talking about myself but I guess I am well endowed down there. But it means nothing to me, like whoopdeedoo. I don't understand why so many guys are just so invested in dick, like it seems like thats all they want I don't understand. But A was always groping me when he got a chance or playing with it. He would always make a note about when I was aroused whether just laying with him chilling in bed or before he would leave or I would leave. It was always about my dick it seemed, and I brought this up to him and he told me that my dick was the last thing he cared about and that it was me as a person that he was attracted to. My looks were just an added bonus. We almost broke up a few weeks before school had let out but I wasn't ready to let the relationship die. He felt like I wasn’t interested anymore. I liked him but wasnt attracted to him and thats where I think we differed. Im just not a sexual person, I started to think around that time that I was asexual because just none of that stuff is even remotely interesting to me, Id just rather not. But A had began to feel like I wasn't interested anymore, that I wasnt as invested in him as I was at the start. Part of me was, the other half of me wasnt. He was right, but I wasnt ready for that yet. I needed his support, I was so alone and scared at the time. The first time we almost broke up I was on the verge of tears which I had never done with someone before. It was also the first time that I was being broken up with plus it was in person. But in the moment I wasnt going to let it happen. We turned the situation around and I did try, I tried to be more interested in him, I tried to pleasure him in the only way I was comfortable with i.e. a hand job. I had gotten him off quite a few times but he had never gotten me off. Not once, and he was so hung up about it. He was bound and determined to get me off, but it never happened. Idk why really, I can get myself off but its just different when someone else does it. Im very sensitive to touch, especially down there, around my stomach and inner thighs when other people touch me so Idk whats going on there. But we had made it through the end of the school year and tried to do long distance. It only lasted a few weeks. I had gotten busy seeing my friends, family, getting work set up I was really busy. Me and A didn't text a whole lot or FaceTime. So after a few weeks I was actually hanging out with Sh, Jo and C at Sh’s apartment when A called me. I knew what it was from the text he had sent me an hour earlier. It was calm and we both agreed that we should see other people. We’re still friends though and I text him every now and again. Its been these late cold nights though that I do miss him. Im going back out to Portland this December to see all my friends I made out there. I hope I get to see him again. I do miss him now. I miss his company and him as a person. But there were reasons we broke up and whats done is done now.