#illusory truth

[unbfacts]

[ellitx]

Did I understand correctly that the main character in the "Illusory sense" feels bad because of pregnancy?

She did feel bad about it before she knew venti’s happy and completely fine being a future father. This is their first time reaching this level in their relationship and they never had proper discussion about it, which may be a factor she’s worried being pregnant.

The most intimate level they have gotten before darling fell into a coma was OG venti giving her neck kisses and small bites and hickeys when alone. They did discuss what they should do once they got their freedom, but rarely about starting a family. They’ve been together for a long time so darling’s afraid if venti might leave her for it

[catalisst]

There was never fire. Just smoke ... and mirrors. - Eight simple words 🐾

“There was never butterflies. Just fire.”

— Six word poem (b.c)

[nomadman108]

Realisation of Reality; It started With a Joke

‘I like looking at you,’ says the hermit. ‘You must be sick in the head,’ replies, as quick as  you like, his partner hermit of 40 odd years. (Obviously an old and oft shared joke). ‘Of course I’m sick in the head,’ bursts out of the hermit in response. ‘It’s like saying the sun comes up every morning. It’s a given, a simple fact of life.’ Problem is, it’s not true is it? the sun I mean; it…

[wat3rm370n]

From Rand Waltzman on Linkedin.

"Repeat it often enough and it becomes undeniable - something "everybody" knows."

[blackvahana]

I really do just need to get over the fact that my stuff is going to drive people mad

I had to actively stop working with the DAY because the wide open reality of being the Dreamer being incarnated into like millions of people at once, incompréhensible unimportant and yet all important, was like... its not good for navigating reality. It's still at the back of my brain where I've had that experience and... I mean for some reason it's more unsettling than nondualist Shaivism stuff is. All Are One Being is somehow more normal than Dreamer stuff but anyway

That was like... the one time I really scared Hermes when I woke him up as DAY and you know I think that's fair first of all and second of all... indicative that if I can scare gods then my existence is just going to scare people who aren't gods nor on the path to godhood

Anyway. These creatures definitely have been trying to tell me they're moving towards Dreamer things. Should've known! Should've seen it coming with Lev throwing Kos back at me but I don't associate bb Dream stuff with what I call Dream stuff irl, I associate bb Dream stuff with nondualist Shaivism-esque stuff... Anyway. Guess I now associate the two

Because. really. they're feeding on impulses... I hope that they'll be gentle. I hope that they won't be as raw and rip-tide-esque as the Tree of Madness and my usual Madness energy but I don't... think they're very Madness heavy actually. They're. very quietly something else in an obvious way. probably Day lmfao. yeah. They are aren't they

[maximizeyourmedicare]

Theory Has Limits

Theory Has Limits It is my very biased view that people should be guided by those with the best understanding of theory. There needs to be a starting point, so that when theory breaks down, or developments arise, you can get the correct explanation, not some fairy tale or false narrative. It is personally and professionally exhausting to explain the what/how/why private people have wrongly clung…

[lair-master]

Random Tricks for D&D

In D&D, tricks are like traps only weirder and less lethal. They're placed on objects by dungeon inhabitants and ambient magic. A tricked object is triggered when creatures interact with it. Roll d100 on this table for a random Trick Effect (text table under the cut).

01-03. Causes a character to speak and hear speech only in Goblin 04-06. Sprouts a mouth, bites a character, and won’t let go 07-10. Relocates and conceals itself (if found, a lantern appears) 11-13. Imposes order, replacing every d20 roll with a 10 instead of rolling 14-16. Polymorphs a character into a clone of another character 17-19. Projects a powerful magnetic field in a 15-ft. radius 20-22. Creates an extradimensional pit 23-26. Polymorphs into a black cat that characters are frightened by 27-29. Greases held objects, they’re dropped and can’t be picked up 30-32. Causes characters to sprout one additional arm or head 33-35. Taints all that surrounds it with an unidentified smell 36-38. Expels a cloud of thick purple smoke in a 20-ft.-radius sphere 39-41. Shares the senses of an accurate (or inaccurate) scrying sensor 42-44. Grants invisibility 45-47. Creates three illusory duplicates of itself and bounces around 48-50. Casts irresistible dance on the characters 51-53. Engulfs itself in a gelatinous cube that can’t deal damage 54-56. Sows discord, allies incapable of meaningful communication 57-59. When touched, summons a frog and hops 10 feet away 60-62. Produces or dispels magical darkness 63-65. Conjures a snake (if grappled, becomes a staff of the python) 66-68. Changes each character’s creature type to beast or plant 69-71. Casts resilient sphere on the characters 72-75. Binds a character in manacles (if escaped, fine clothes appear) 76-78. Cries and sheds tears, as do objects being worn or carried 79-81. Conjures a feast that is poisoned or free of poison 82-84. Inflates like a balloon, expanding until it is popped 85-87. Casts zone of truth centered on itself 88-90. Freezes a character in a block of ice (AC 13, 20 hp) 91-93. Bestows a vision of the past that involves the object 94-97. Transports characters back in time or into the future 98-100. Fuses two characters together, they move with each other at half speed

[timkontheunsure]

This still might not make Barbie a bad person.

Narcissistic abuse really fucks people up, and so does trauma.

It's likely that straight after the fire she'd have been looking to place the blame as much as Cash. But not for the same reason.

Her mum died, and her brother likely copped to knocking over the cake. A dumb accident from a kid who's a bit clumsy.

But her mum's still gone, and she's mad at her brother. That just leaves her dad.

People assume that siblings will band together when their abusive parent is doing something horrible... but they don't.

They side with the parent to reduce the amount of harm they face.

Really good example of this is media is Gamora and Nebula. Nebula was their father's scapegoat, always waiting for her big sister to come safe her from the abuse. To purposefully fail a sparring match, and take the heat just once. But that's never happened, because Gamora was just another kid trying to survive the abuse.

This is why I've said before; that I buy that Blitz and Barbie were so close, only when Cash isn't around.

There this thing called flying monkeys that happens when family members are still in contact with your abuser. They start parroting what the abuser says, because they're still in the abuse. And it makes their lifes a little easier to agree.

But with every agreement, with a narcissistic abuser, it warps your world view just a little each time, as their lies and gaslighting add up.

This is why my sib thinks it's ok to say I'm 'what wrong with this family'. (I haven't seen them in 7 years). Or that my abuser thinks they 'should put me to hard labour to fix me', because 'you weren't raised to be disabled'. (No one's raised to be disabled. It's just luck of the draw, an accident. And with my conditions being genetic sib got real lucky).

I can push back on these and he wake up as if it was some sort of trance. Admitting he's just scared that I don't get better, and he really wanting to see everyone together. To have his family back.

But the more he hears the lie off my dad, that my health is my fault; the more the illusory truth effect makes him feel like it's gotta be real.

Back to Barbie. When we meet her she's doing better than we know she has been. Out of rehab, clean and with a job.

But yer she's not doing as well as you might hope. Her job is drug smuggling, that even though it's week for imps; it could put her recovery at risk.

And so does her scapegoating. When something goes a little wrong she immediately slips back into the bad pattern of it's all Blitz's fault.

He wrecked her whole life, and anything and everything can and will be his fault forever.

This is an easy pattern for her to fall back into, because it's practiced. The more she does it the harder it is to break the habit. Because brains get better at doing things they've done before, even shitty things.

(Like addictions reminds, or panic attacks. Brains get 'better' at falling into habits the more you do them).

And the more times she hears Cash blame her brother, the more real it will feel. And the less like an accident it'll become in her mind.

We have seen Blitz say and do some really bad crap because of trauma. I can see Barbie having done the same, with telling him Fizz says he'll die alone.

And Blitz is more likely to believe it from his sister, than his shitty dad. This kid clock who Cash was early. (And that's often the reason for picking the scapegoat. They can see through the abuser).

I honestly think it's unlikely they'll be able to keep in close contact. Even if Barb goes low contact with Cash, like Blitz has.* Even if they get things settled.

Some times the hurts just too bad, even though you love them to bits.

I can see them getting in a better place, and seeing eachother now and again, but still not a ton.

Timmy footnotes for putting together the dots

(*Blitz has removed Cash's number from his phone and put it in the office rolla decks. So he only has it for emergency's. Good boy.

He has too look it up before calling him; because he's worried about Barb. Asking where she went after their dad checked her out of rehab.

It has to be Cash here, because it's standard for addiction and mental health patients to be discharge to family. So they don't end up homeless, and right back in a bad situation.

This is why Blitz is confused that she could leave without him being told.

Looks like Cash and Barbie got the nurse on side that everything is Blitz's fault. [Narcissistic abuser often use language like deadbeat, to describe people who don't have a financial obligation to them. Like their kids. This because they see everyone as tools to get what they want. And if you leave you're not pulling your weight, and making their lives better].

And he'd be unsuitable for help with discharge).

"Them"- Cash and Barbie

I really hate it when I remember that this makes it very likely that Barbie and Cash pulled this crap together.

Blocking Blitz and Fizz from seeing eachother for 15 bloody years.

And that it's actually a real toss up weather his dad, or his sister told him that; 'Fizz says you're going to die alone Blitzo'.

[headspace-hotel]

i'm trying out new genres so i read a book called The Body Double by Emily Beyda and i really liked it so i looked up reviews and found that its ratings on Goodreads were shockingly low. like 2.7 stars or something if i remember right.

and like yes, I also did guess the twist about fifty pages in, but that didn't ruin the book for me at all. And yes, the main character did not act like *I* would act or like any rational person would act in her situation, but I felt that the book did a very good job of establishing why she would act that way and why it would be realistic for her.

The weirdest complaint, which just about every reviewer seem to have, was that the book was too "slow" and that the first half of the book could have been summarized in a chapter...?????????? Yes it COULD have but the point wasn't just to tell you what events happen, it's to explore whats going on with the protag psychologically and immerse you in her state of mind???

Also people complaining that they didn't like or connect to the characters (Yes? They're clearly not supposed to be likable? But I still found them to be connectable) and that [spoiler] was a vapid bitch (YES THAT'S LITERALLY THE WHOLE POINT)

i don't really track my reading online anymore but i still think of what ratings I would give books, and i was thinking this is a "4-star" book but the more i think about it i think its a "5-star" book for me. Because guessing (part of) the ending didn't impact my enjoyment of the story at all. The excitement wasn't because of not knowing what would happen, it was because of anticipating how the main character would react when she discovered (what I suspected to be) the truth.

I don't think my reason for being so impressed with the book is naivete towards the psychological thriller genre, since it excelled at basically the things you'd expect a really good psychological thriller to excel at. Like, what else is a psychological thriller supposed to be?

The main character makes so many bad decisions I would NOT make but I was never frustrated with it because it seemed like exactly what she would do. And it wasn't just a thoughtless "crazy people do crazy things," all of the protag's actions seemed perfectly justified within her own psychological landscape, it was very easy to understand her feelings, thoughts and actions even if they were completely different from myself.

The blurbs talk about the book as an exploration of female identity and how women are affected by the perceptions of society, but I really appreciate the extent to which the book wasn't a commentary on "female identity." I associate commentaries on female identity and Being Perceived with stories of victimhood and passivity, which would have been boring as shit; part of the reason this book was so interesting is that the main character is aware of both ways she is disempowered and ways she holds power, and she enjoys having power and using power over other people. She is not a helpless victim, she is becoming trapped in a prison of her own making by her enjoyment of using and manipulating other people.

As the reader, I often get the impression that her feeling of having power is illusory, and her feelings of empowerment and disempowerment tick back and forth like a metronome, but this adds another interesting dimension where she is trapped by the feeling of having power.

It was also extraordinarily well written, I hope the author was no discouraged by the negative response by reviewers

[funeral]

We are all deranged, we take for real what is not so. A living man as such is mad and blind both: Incapable of discerning the illusory aspect of things, he sees solidity, fullness, everywhere. If by some miracle he happens to see the truth, he lays himself open to vacuity and flourishes there. Richer than the reality it replaces, vacuity takes the place of everything without everything; it is basis and absence, abyssal variant of being. But to our misery, we regard it as a deficiency; whence our fears and our failures. What is vacuity for us after all? At most a diaphanous impasse, an impalpable inferno.

Emil Cioran, The New Gods

[loveemagicpeace]

Neptune in Aries

Neptune enters Aries on March 30, 2025, marking a major collective shift. Neptune hasn’t been in Aries since 1861–1875, so this is a brand-new energy for our time. Aries is fiery, bold, and pioneering, while Neptune is dreamy, mystical, and elusive. This transit will bring spiritual awakenings, new leaders, and a more warrior-like approach to dreams and ideals.

This Neptune in Aries era is about courageously chasing dreams, breaking old illusions, and redefining spiritual paths in a bold way. The last time this transit happened, the world saw revolutions and new beginnings—so expect a pioneering energy to shape your personal destiny.

Aries Rising

This is your era of reinvention. Neptune dissolves old versions of yourself, making you more intuitive and spiritually connected. You might feel called toward new creative pursuits, healing arts, or even leadership with a spiritual touch. Watch out for identity crises—stay grounded in reality while embracing change. During this time, you may have a more dreamy and unclear approach to some things. You may also lose weight. This is a time when you'll feel more connected to spirituality, dreams, and intuition. Be mindful of confusion, illusions, or deception around your self-image. You might feel inspired to lead with a higher purpose—whether in art, activism, or personal missions. This transit can make you fearless in following your visions, but it’s important to stay realistic about what’s possible.

Taurus Rising

Your spiritual growth deepens behind the scenes. Neptune in your 12th house activates hidden desires, subconscious healing, and possibly karmic themes. You may have vivid dreams, strong intuition, or a pull toward solitude. Be mindful of escapism or unhealthy habits creeping in. Your sleep may be more fulfilling with intuitive or vivid dreams. Maybe during this time you can meditate more easily and you can start dealing with deeper, unknown things and also spiritual things. Travel during this time can be more illusory.  You may start exploring deeper spiritual practices like meditation, past-life regression, or astrology. You may have sudden flashes of insight or feel drawn to solitude and reflection as you navigate inner shifts. This period may require you to release old identities, relationships, or habits that no longer serve your highest growth.

Gemini Rising

Your social life and ideals transform. Neptune in your 11th house dissolves outdated friendships and brings soul connections. You might be drawn to humanitarian work, spiritual communities, or creative collaborations. Stay wary of deception in friendships or false promises in group settings. You can attract a lot of people who are more spiritual and maybe people who can help you a lot. Be cautious with financial agreements, especially with foreigners or international business. Neptune can bring confusion or unclear terms. Avoid get-rich-quick schemes or investing in something that seems too good to be true. A loved one may move abroad, or you might frequently connect with international people. You might idealize living in another country, but make sure reality matches the dream before making big moves. You could spend more on spirituality, art, or humanitarian causes.

Cancer Rising

Your career takes on a dreamlike quality. Neptune in your 10th house makes you want to align your profession with a deeper purpose. You could be drawn to healing, arts, or spiritual leadership. But beware of confusion, illusions, or being misled in professional settings. Fame or recognition could come in an unexpected, mystical, or artistic way. Your public image may be inspirational but also misunderstood. Your relationship with your father (or a father figure) might feel distant, confusing, or spiritually significant. In some cases, Neptune here can indicate secrets or unknown truths about a parent coming to light. Be mindful of financial illusions in career-related travel—some opportunities may not be as profitable as they seem.

Leo Rising

Your beliefs and worldview shift. Neptune in your 9th house makes you crave spiritual expansion, travel, and knowledge. You might explore mysticism, philosophy, or different cultures. Watch out for misleading teachings or idealizing distant places. There could be mystical or fated connections abroad, but be mindful of deception or unrealistic expectations when moving or working in a foreign place. You might feel drawn to spiritual or philosophical studies rather than traditional education. If you're pursuing a degree, you may change your path often or feel uncertain about what you truly want to study. You may fall in love with someone from a different culture or background. Sports and physical activities might bring spiritual fulfillment—yoga, dance, or martial arts could be powerful for you now. Unexpected blessings may come from foreign connections, spiritual teachers, or creative endeavors.

Virgo Rising

Your intimate relationships and shared resources become mystical and intense. Neptune in your 8th house can bring spiritual unions but also financial confusion. Be mindful of debts, secrets, and emotional entanglements. On a higher level, this transit could awaken deep intuition and transformative healing. Neptune in the 8th house can bring a heightened sense of spirituality related to death and the afterlife. You may feel more connected to the astral world or have profound, otherworldly experiences regarding life and death. This transit could involve money from others—such as inheritances, legacies, or shared finances. Intimate connections may become more intense and transformative, offering opportunities for deep healing. There’s a risk of confusion or idealization of partners, especially when it comes to shared resources or joint investments. Trust may be a major theme, and you’ll want to carefully navigate any financial entanglements with loved ones. Be careful of deceptive or unrealistic financial proposals, especially in partnership or marriage. If you're married or in a partnership, you might undergo spiritual growth together, but there’s also a risk of misunderstanding or deception in terms of shared wealth.

Libra Rising

Your relationships take on a spiritual tone. Neptune in your 7th house makes you idealize partners or attract soul connections. However, you may also deal with illusions, misunderstandings, or codependency. Balance dreams with reality in love and partnerships. You may be drawn to relationships that feel soulful or fated. Romantic partners may seem like perfect matches, but it's important not to blindly idealize them. Long-distance relationships with friends may take on a deeper, more emotional tone, and you may find comfort or understanding in people from different cultural or spiritual backgrounds. In a female chart, Neptune's transit through the 7th house can show a shift in how you view your father’s later life circumstances—you may feel a sense of disillusionment or have heightened empathy toward your father, but also potentially misunderstand or idealize his needs. In a male chart, the mother’s later life circumstances may come into focus, with Neptune urging a sense of compassionor possibly confusion about her situation. Your relationship with your mother could become more spiritually connectedbut might also feel unclear or unresolved. For health matters, Neptune here can sometimes blur the signs of illness, so it's crucial to stay aware of any changes in your well-being and not ignore symptoms.

Scorpio Rising

Your daily life, habits, and health become influenced by Neptune’s dreamy energy. You might feel drawn to alternative healing, meditation, or creative work routines. But be mindful of fatigue, escapism, or lack of structure in your daily life. Service-oriented roles may become more appealing, and you might be drawn to helping others in a more compassionate or intuitive way, but avoid overcommitting or losing yourself in others’ needs.You might be drawn to alternative health practices or spiritual healing, but be careful not to idealize or escape into unrealistic health fads or unproven methods. You could find that healing comes through meditation, yoga, or other holistic approaches. You might adopt or find yourself more involved with animals, particularly if they provide comfort or healing. You might feel that your partner is either a source of inspiration or an obstacle, but these perceptions may be clouded by idealism or confusion. You may feel drawn to wear flowing fabrics or clothing that reflects your inner world, but be cautious of making choices that might be impractical for daily tasks or work.

Sagittarius Rising

Your creativity, romance, and self-expression take on a magical aura. Neptune in your 5th house inspires artistic pursuits and deep love experiences. However, be cautious of illusions in love, idealizing romantic partners, or reckless gambling with your passions. You may feel drawn to soulmate-like connections or deep, mystical attractions, but it’s important to be cautious of illusions or unrealistic expectations about romantic relationships. You may attract partners who feel like they have a divine or fated connection with you, but be mindful of projecting idealized qualities onto them.If you have children, Neptune’s influence may bring a sense of idealism or emotional depth to your relationship with them. You might feel more connected to their emotional needs and be drawn to creative or spiritual activities with them. You may feel more spiritually connected to creative pursuits, and this is an excellent time to explore artistic hobbies, whether it’s painting, writing, music, or any form of creative expression. You might have a desire to invest in dream properties or inherit money, but be cautious about illusions or deceptive financial opportunities in these areas.

Capricorn Rising

Your home and family life become more fluid and intuitive. Neptune in your 4th house can inspire you to create a dreamy sanctuary, reconnect with your ancestors, or explore emotional healing. But watch out for family secrets, confusion. During this transit, you may experience a strong pull toward spiritualizing your home and family life. You might feel a desire to redecorate, renovate, or transform your living space in a way that aligns more with your spiritual, emotional, or aesthetic needs. Your home environment may also take on an ethereal, dreamlike quality, and you may be drawn to spaces that feel magical, calming, or deeply nurturing. Neptune could inspire a deeper connection to food as a spiritual or healing experience, and you may find comfort in cooking, baking, or preparing meals with a more artistic or intuitive touch. As Neptune transits through your 4th house, you may start to think more about your future and what kind of legacy you want to leave behind. This could also be a time when you feel more connected to your inner child or seek to heal any emotional wounds related to your upbringing. You can also move into a dream home or home by the sea. Moving also involves aromantic partner.

Aquarius Rising

Your communication, learning, and thinking patterns become more intuitive and artistic. Neptune in your 3rd house can enhance your imagination, writing, and spiritual insights. However, be wary of misunderstandings, mental fog, or misinformation. You might find that you are more sensitive to others’ feelings and can communicate in ways that feel more compassionate and understanding. Misunderstandings or confusions in communication are possible, and you might have trouble expressing yourself in a direct or practical manner. Relationships with siblings and relatives may take on a more dreamy, idealistic, or even mysterious quality. You may feel more drawn to intuitive or spiritual tools like meditative driving or using digital spaces to connect with your inner world. You might have trouble with computer malfunctions, driving errors. While this can be an excellent time for creative writing or artistic projects. You might feel a yearning to leave behind old structures and embark on a more idealized or dreamy lifestyle. This could be a time when you feel like the escape from your current living situation is necessary for your spiritual growth or self-discovery, but be cautious about any illusions about the new environment

Pisces Rising

Your values, money, and self-worth go through a transformation. Neptune in your 2nd house can bring financial dreams but also illusions—avoid unrealistic money decisions. On a deeper level, your sense of security will shift toward more spiritual and creative fulfillment. You may feel a desire to detach from material concerns and seek fulfillment through more spiritual or artistic means. Be cautious about overspending or investing in ventures that seem too good to be true. Neptune here can inspire a deep emotional connection to music or art, whether through listening, creating, or finding a way to turn your creative expression into a source of income. You may feel drawn to gourmet foods, luxurious dining experiences, or even exploring diets that align with your spiritual or emotional needs.This transit may bring up deep emotional feelings and memories related to your sense of self-worth and security. Neptune in the 2nd house can bring complicated feelings around inheritances or shared resources, especially those involving a spouse.

✨If u want to find out more u can book a reading✨

-Rebekah🧜🏻‍♀️🌊

[sennenpharaoh]

"He shouldn't have had to make that decision!" He shouted back, tears this close to spilling over. "I was given that card! I pulled away when he tried to stop me! I ignored his pleas and begs to not play it, and I did it anyway! I broke the promise I made to my magician! Actions... have... consequences!!"

He paused, just looking at his Colonel, noticing the hurt in his eyes. They were both feeling the same thing.

"I can't accept it. I can't accept the fact that you should face retribution but I shouldn't. I can't accept that I should be pardoned for my crimes but the man I love has to be executed for his! We both did horrible things, but only one of us deserves to pay for it? That I should be pardoned because it's the people who care about me?! I can't accept that, and not you, or Aibou, or anyone else can change my mind about that, no matter how many times he tells me, or how many times you tell me! I refuse to accept it!"

"Do you think they want to do that to you?! Do you think that they want to do that to you?! It's one thing for me because the people I hurt, those people, I mean NOTHING to them. I am content with the fact that someone else who had to deal with the suffering from my own two hands! People I barely know, that's one thing!" He takes a breath before continuing

"You're talking about the ones that care about you. You're saying you want them to give you the pain! You don't think that it would affect them too?! They don't hurt you because they love you! From what I could see Yugi decided to sacrifice himself, it was HIS decision! Are you blind?!" He screams, the pain evident in his own eyes as he looks into Atem's. Noticing the redness from the flames burns on his lovers face.

"Why do you not understand that its not your decision to make. You can't just decide that you get to choose what is done to you. They do. When I am put on trial, that is when I would let the others make their decision for what they wish to do with me!"

[wat3rm370n]

Mere Exposure Effect

After repeated exposure to something it becomes familiar, and even if it’s false or bad, it can come to be viewed as true or acceptable - even favorable, simply because it feels familiar.

[yearninflowers]

Imagine...

Anaxa, someone you've gotten to know after one fateful meeting, has begun to grow on you little by little. Although those accidental meetups seem to happen quite frequently nowadays, you enjoy them all the same. He is quite the entertainer, after all. Equipped with various knowledge over life and his rather spicy attitude, he captured your eyes in the heat of prohibition and curiosity. He seemed to shine, somehow, in his own way. How could one be so confident with their belief and never falter? Whatever is fuelling his own devoutness—you wanted to ask—what does it take to be utterly devoted (to all his research) yet empty of faith like him?

The contradiction that lies beneath his impassive face could make anyone who notices laugh amusingly. Anaxa has always been a person who based his judgement on facts, and more often than not, ones he experienced himself. He does not believe, nor does he trust, an existence he could not grasp. It lacks a reason, he would say. Perhaps linking feelings with mindful comprehension has always been a stupid decision, yet he, a person who has never known of such intensity, does it all continuously. Such complexity is gathered to be one thing: devotion. And Anaxa, no matter how long he tried to search, could never have its truest form, faith.

A scholar's mind is to enquire about every little thing the world has to offer and speak of the truth that prevailed. Being one himself, Anaxa tries to do so as well. Questioning, denying, defending—he does it all easily. It comes like second nature to him. However, proving something that cannot be seen by the eyes is harder to do, even for someone as capable as Anaxa. He won't lie, though; the effect of believing said unseen thing is as real as it can be, yet proving its existence has always remained impossible to do. After all, what can you unveil to the world when the object itself is unknown?

So, he deems whatever faith lies upon someone; it is not equivalent to being real and only an effect of illusory belief. But that is what feelings are too, isn't it? An intense effect which stemmed from within the heart yet hidden deep inside the flesh of a soul. It cannot be proven, nor it can be seen, but it would always be there, haunting the bodies that bear the weight.

And for once in his life, something stirred itself inside Anaxa. Something ugly, he feared. The way his hands would tremble, fearing the ugliness of what he could do, made him disgusted with himself. How could someone as him be affected with something he could not foresee? Or an easier way to say, you. How could you, a stranger with no strings attached to any of the Chrysos Heirs, make his mind go numb? You, an ordinary citizen living in Amphoreus, had successfully done something many others had failed to do. You made him feel this absurdly warm feeling, and he could, for once, never figure out why something had happened.

Anaxa pondered for days upon days to search for the reason. He studied your movement almost daily, arranging coincidental meetings with a bump on the shoulder or even a short visit to a place you frequented. He thinks you must've noticed, but no words have been spoken over the increased bonding time. Perhaps you had never known that Anaxa has been watching you, studying you to the point of dissecting you apart inside his mind every time your eyes met. Perhaps you never noticed him just as he noticed you, deeply and obsessively.

Sometimes, it frustrates him. It feels as if all the observation he did had amounted to nothing. What else—just how—no, what will—argh, Anaxa feels the need to rip you apart, taking out everything to search for his selfish need. Will after opening the mystery box make him understand his concerning devotion? Has he finally succeeded in attaining what people often called faith? But has faith always felt so covetous? Is it not filled with belief that stemmed from one's pure love? This does not feel like its description to Anaxa. Whatever it is, it feels disgusting.

Yet it feels so amazing too. For once in all his time in the world, he feels whole—too full, even. However, the question still remains. For something as unreal as faith to fill Anaxa, The Heretic, just who are you to attain such a feat?

He now often wonders, is it you or him that made him feel the impossible? If it is him, then what is the fuel to his interest? Is it the curiosity of a human? Or could it be something entirely different? As a person, he'll gladly let it all flow. After all, feelings are as normal as they can be for people. But as a scholar, he is bound to question it nonetheless. As he said, a scholar's mind is to question everything, even if the subject is an obsession.

However, if it is you. Anaxa will still try to find the reason that makes you twinkle in his eyes. He'll do whatever it takes—even if it means scrapping you until the very last end of your being—to find out why. As someone who sees the world as an abundance of knowledge to be discovered, Anaxa will stop at nothing to find and prove it. Frankly, even if he thinks he's at fault for the sudden change in him, it will still lead to the same conclusion: examining you.

So, to make everything easier, as his new subject of interest, won't you let him search every inch of yourself and help unveil the truth? He can't ever help it anymore—the disgust and the curiosity keep on killing him from the inside, yet it makes him so full and so happy.

At least, for his sake, do it, yeah? Aren't you a very curious person as well? To mingle with such a person, amazed by his antics and abilities, and even seeking him out yourself—he knows you 'love' him too.

[izzyfishie]

[CREDS: @breadandlottery for getting me genuinely thinking on this. ily!]

what if the theme "forgiveness" lee jung-jae mentioned is crucial in season 3 is alluding to gi-hun forgiving himself for all the people who have died? finally understanding that he's doing the best he can, and that it's truly not his fault, unlike what the system has been backfiring at and indirectly saying to him.

throughout the entirety of season 2, we see gi-hun totally haunted by the events he went through in season 1. and while we know gi-hun knows that he is not the one who killed those people, he still definitely holds blame and doubts, that will seemingly increase post-rebellion.

"did you have fun playing the hero?" is directly playing into this perception gi-hun has been fed by in-ho. in-ho twisting it to seem like gi-hun is the one to blame here for "disrupting the natural order the games pursue", not him and the games---the actual root of the issue. and that notion is followed up with punishment---HE shot jung-bae right in front of gi-hun's eyes. (ok psychology time: it's known that humans thrive off conditioning. think of the truth illusory effect. when you are told something so many times, you begin to believe it. gi-hun has been told off by hundreds of people inside the games, as well as the recruiter and the frontman. at that point, self-blame is imminent, even if you know what you're doing is correct.)

now, gi-hun has nightmares about sang-woo and sae-byeok, nightmares about leading the players down the wrong path, and shows intense signs of distress when players are eliminated. not ONLY are these extreme signs of PTSD, but they can also be manifestations of guilt.

post-rebellion intensifies this. all of gi-hun's hopes are crushed, and that is extremely visible in the snippets we've been given. hell, we even see what seems to be gi-hun attempting to commit suicide.

like i've said, i don't think gi-hun directly blames himself for the deaths in the games. he has a lot of empathy for the victims inside the games, and fully blames the ones behind the games, which has definitely developed over time. HOWEVER! his hope seems to be drowning even more and more, and when that happens, unfortunately you usually do tend to blame yourself, even if it's out of your true control.

i truly think that season 3 will contain some kind of turning point that will assist in him regaining that hope, and being able to truly forgive himself. and to me, that's what the theme of forgiveness is.

not forgiving those who facilitate the games.

forgiving himself.