#im gonna fucking kill Nintendo

[phonemilf]

WHY IS THIS FUCKING BLUE BADGER JAR A PIXEL FUCKING PERFECT PROCEDURE!?!?!??!?! I'M ACTUALLY LOSING MY FUCKING MIND, I'M GONNA KILL SOMEONE I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!! WHO THE FUCK MADE THIS SHIT PIECE MINIGAME?!??!?!?!? ALSO, IN ADDITION TO IT BEING EXTREMELY INFURIATING TO GET RIGHT THEY ALSO PLAY THAT STUPID ASS BLUE BADGER MUSIC THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME AND I'M ABOUT TO RIP ALL MY HAIR OUT!!!!!!!! EVEN LOOKING AT A REFERENCE IMAGE DOES ME NO GOOD AND I'M CONVINCED THAT THE ONLY WAY THAT ANYONE COMPLETE'S THIS CASE IS BY SHEER FUCKING LUCK!!!!!!!

[infizero]

i just watched a video essay about the decline of paper mario and now im sad and mad thinking about paper mario again. can we have a violent overthrowing of nintendo

[clovers-garden-co]

FUCK FUCK FUCK

I WAS SUPPOSED TO SELL MY ITEMS IN ANIMAL CROSSING BUT THE SHOPS ARE FUCKING CLOSED

[maffuyu]

Can someone remind me to be a nice person and not lose my mind at someone who is trying to be helpful but is also not listening to me when I tell them what they're suggesting isn't a thing and won't/can't work

[meshiinuma]

type

relationship: poly satosugu x reader

desc: clearly satoru has a type + bed time

wrd cnt: 3.3k

warnings: the reader is so fucking specific . like theyre chubby, brown, have glasses, dark hair, n dark eyes. sorry 2 anyone who isnt that HJSJDHSJ, gn reader, fluff

a(shley's)/n: first post whoopie !! also . chubby sugubooboo REALNESS !!!!!!! visit sometime is being worked on PROMISEEE its at 12k words rn n its only the first chapter [im planning on writing the rest of the chapters b4 publishing bcuz i feel bad abandoning things so its probs gonna b over 300k by the time im done w the whole thing . sigh.] ok. enjoy . [also u can tell whos my favorite]

the tiny couch the three of you crammed onto every evening felt incredibly warm. it did every day.

suguru was on the farthest left (when you’re sitting on the couch and facing the tv in front of it), laying back on the couch with a pillow underneath his head. satoru was on the farthest right, using the armrest as a prop for his head and playing on his nintendo switch. you were leaning back on suguru’s stomach, on your phone.

gurgle! grrk! 

“your stomach’s talking shit about you, suguru.” you warned, scrolling through the comments on a post.

“what’s it saying?” he asked offhandedly, turning a page.

“‘s gonna kill you man.” 

“crazy…” he trailed off and you noticed his reading glasses slipping down his nose slowly.

you pulled yourself up his body and pushed them up with your pointer finger, then laid a kiss against the apple of his cheek.

suguru looked down at you, dark brown eyes so clear you could see yourself reflected in them almost. he put a pretty bookmark with a nice yellow tassel between the pages and set it on the side table.

“now what do you from me? hm?” he drew you fully to his chest where he started to nip at your cheeks and jaw. giggle “kisses sugu! gimme kisses!” you exclaimed as he started to lay light kisses from the tippy top of your head down to your collarbone. everywhere his lips touched made little sparks fly under your skin, love flooding through every vein in your body at suguru’s affection.

you kept giggling with suguru, returning his little kisses, straddling his thighs, and wrapping your arms around his shoulders.

“ewww!” satoru suddenly interjected. looking behind you, your third was sticking his tongue out and powering his switch off, “get a room,” he said and tried to crawl between you and suguru. 

“what are you- ack!” satoru nestled himself sideways in the little pocket of space between and was already half hanging off the couch. suguru got elbowed a bit.

you pulled back and sat on your haunches to let satoru get comfortable, “everything good?” you asked, waiting for him to finish wriggling around, “it’d be better if you could get down here…” he asked and gazed at you over his shoulder coquettishly. the look made your stomach suddenly combust into a horde of butterflies that expressed themselves through possessing your body and draping yourself over your two lovers.

satoru got a kiss on the little circle at the top of his head where his hair grew from and a bit of scalp shone through, “better?” quietly suguru mumbled into the air. 

“mhm…” was satoru’s response.

you shifted around to get satoru and suguru in your sights at the same time, enraptured with the beauty of your lovers. if you lost the ability to see them everyday, you think you’d sob inconsolably.

eventually, you shoved yourself into the space between suguru and the back cushions, finding the best view. 

suguru had slid further down the couch, fully using the arm rest as a pillow with eyes closed and glasses firmly placed at eye level. satoru faced the tv, eyes closed as well, and was clutching suguru’s arm wrapped around him.

and then you. 

you glanced up to see a vague shape of your body reflected in the dark tv screen, a part of a blob of skin and other various hues. the final piece to the puzzle.

as you settled into the warmth of suguru’s chest (his arm went around you straight away, no looking) and wrapped your arm around satoru’s shoulder (he grabbed it and tucked it close to his chest), you faintly realized something.

“you have a type satoru,” you said quietly.

out of the corner of your eye you saw suguru’s eye peek open.

“no i don’t?” he rolled in place to face you, hot breath fanning over your exposed arm.

“yeah you do.” this time you were looking directly into his eyes, challenging his denial.

“oh yeah? what’s my type?” satoru fired back, cocky sounding.

“dark hair, dark eyes, glasses, brown skin, chubby, and a little mean to you.” that seemed to shut him up, suguru’s eyes fully open and filled with mirth.

“...dunno what you’re talking ‘bout…” satoru pouted at being found out so quickly. 

“think about it! i have dark hair, suguru has dark hair. suguru has dark eyes, i have dark eyes. we both wear glasses-”

“not all the time!” at satoru’s interjection, you and suguru shared a look and stared back down at him.

“...nevermind. continue.” 

“we’re both brown and chubby-” as you said this, you moved satoru’s hands up to yours and your dark haired lovers stomachs, making him squeeze them a bit. satoru blushed.

“and we’re mean to you! it’s like me and sugu are the same people, it’s crazy.” you finished and looked up at suguru for approval on your insight.

“they’re not wrong,” he added, “and we’re dating each other, so it’s like how people are attracted to similar personalities.”

satoru shook himself out of the brief pull you and suguru had on him, “then what does that say about you two for dating me?” he asked genuinely.

“hmm…” you held your chin, submerging into deep thought.

“oh! we like annoying guys like you!” suguru replied for the two of you.

“yeah!” 

now satoru really was pouting.

“but we love you for it ‘toru! its cute!” you amended, pulling his face towards you so you could pepper him with kisses.

suguru joined in and wrapped his arms around the two of you, giving satoru kisses all over his head.

“haha! okay, okay!” satoru’s face was tinged pink all the way up to his scalp and his smile stretched wide. you think his eyes were glowing twice as much, filled to the brim with emotion.

“getting shy?” suguru mumbled coyly into his ear. satoru looked away bashfully and his face turned five shades deeper, “no…” 

you planted a wet kiss right on his burning cheek mwah!, “cutie…now go turn the tv on,” you said with a snicker as the red slowly faded from satoru’s face.

“really?” he grumbled, but got up anyway to turn the tv on and grab the remote.

“thank youuu!” you cooed when satoru came back and rewarded his efforts with a kiss right at the junction between his neck and jaw.

he just mumbled something and cuddled back into you and suguru. the top of his head was a bit red.

“what do you wanna watch?” you asked.

“i demand...netflix!” satoru exclaimed and raised the remote high above his head. 

at the same time, you and suguru spoke, “alright.” satoru looked back, “jeez maybe you two are the same person…” 

you brushed the comment off and urged him to pick something to watch. satoru chose a k-drama series he was halfway through and started from the beginning, “just for you two! no one else,” he said and put the remote on the side table.

*

an hour or two later, the three of you reached the point satoru had gotten to. or rather the two of you, as satoru had fallen asleep after the first episode and was snoring into suguru’s hockey jersey sleeve. 

suguru had his head turned and was just staring at the screen, a bit bored looking.

you had both your hands buried under his jersey, absentmindedly kneading at the pudge lining his midsection and brushing his happy trail back and forth, “ready to sleep?” the question was gently whispered by you, taking care not to wake satoru. 

“yeah,” suguru said, moving the hand that was caressing your back to the back of your head and kissed your crown. he turned around to reach the remote, but you stopped him.

“wait! wait!” you protested quietly, “i can get it.” suguru gave you a skeptical look, “okay…”

and then you fully shoved yourself under his oversized st. louis blues jersey.

“wh- hey!” he patted your back, trying to track your wriggling body. you shoved your arm through the neck hole and scrambled for the remote behind suguru’s head. 

once you finally got a hold on the plastic device, you pointed it at the tv, “can you pause it and turn the tv off?” 

sigh “you know? i don’t think you and i are alike at all.” his hand engulfed yours and clicked around a bit before the remote was slipped away from your hand.

“you’re so warm sugu…” you slurred, the feeling of being comfortable and lack of sleep getting to you.

underneath suguru’s jersey, you were surrounded on all sides by warmth. 

above you was the white of his jersey, underneath you was his warm and fuzzy torso, and radiating all around you was warmth. you snuggled into the artificial embrace, kicking your legs underneath his.

then suguru suddenly yanked the top of his jersey above your head.

cold flooded straight into your bones. you expressed this with a shiver and tightening your fetal position on suguru’s midsection.

“c’mon. up.” he urged you up and off the couch, slinging satoru over a broad shoulder.

“you can cuddle when we’re in bed, alright?” he held your face in the palm of his very big hand and tilted his head to the side a bit, “yeah,” you said, a bit spacey at the thought of being cuddled up to one of the men of your dreams (you get to paw and chew at him like a dog every night, but that didn’t mean it felt like a bit of a privilege to haul suguru around in bed like that). 

he kissed your head, “good.” and trodded off to the bedroom with his two lovers in tow, of course. 

suguru laid satoru on the bed first and caressed the side of his face with the back of his hand. the love that suguru exercised for you and satoru shocked you to your core sometimes. it was easy to forget the gentle touches amidst all the roughhousing shared between the three of you.

after he leaned down and laid a featherlight kiss between satoru’s eyes, he looked up at you.

“ready?” 

without waiting for a response, he glided to the bathroom. assured in your ability to follow.

a quick pit stop was made before you joined suguru in the bathroom. you hovered over satoru’s slumbering body, clad in an oversized band tee acquired the summer before and basketball shorts from suguru (maybe. possibly. it’s gotten hard to tell over the years). he looked beautiful with the moonlight flooding through the huge window next to the bed. 

with the same gentleness suguru possessed, light fingers skimmed across his forehead and drew his hair away from his eyes. you planted a big wet kiss right at the center of his temples.

that stirred him awake.

“mngh…” his eyes fluttered open, but eventually decided to close.

“go back to sleep for me baby, ‘kay?” you whispered into his ear, already holding the top of the thirty pound weighted blanket satoru slept with every night.

once satoru settled down again, you tiptoed to the bathroom, light already on underneath the door. 

“hi,” you said at a volume less than normal. 

suguru had his jersey sleeves rolled up and was applying face cream when you walked in, “hey.” he replied in kind, gave you a kiss on the cheek, and went back to making sure all of the product reached every nook and cranny of his face.

you slithered behind him and wrapped your arms around his cinched waist. you squeezed a little, making suguru wheeze a bit unexpectedly, an inside joke from before any romance entered your lives.

then your hands dipped above the hem of his jersey, still craving body heat.

“if you tickle me, i’ll punch you.” he warned, looking back at you over his shoulder. 

if you were to be on the receiving end of any of suguru’s attacks while he does martial arts training, you think you’d ascend to something higher than heaven. 

you didn’t say that though. all you did was look up at him dopily and smile, “okay.”

he looked at you suspiciously and went back to finishing his nightly routine. maybe you should start on your own as well. but what kept you from pulling away wasn’t the wonderful texture of suguru’s body, no, it was him expanding and deflating his chest in a timely manner.

he was breathing. and you were right there feeling that. 

this was real. the fact you got to wake up everyday, be with your two lovers, come home to a warm couch, and hold the people you love like this all the time made you feel like puking. in a good way.

suguru was completely oblivious to the lovey-dovey thoughts circling your head. he had moved on to dental care and was currently on the last step, scraping his tongue. 

you watched him through the mirror, sighing and swooning over every little action he made. the way he flexed a bit when he pressed the metal scraper on the back of his tongue, the way nails covered in flaking black polish pried the storage for the scraper open, the way he reapplied pomegranate chapstick, the way he turned to you with a look he only reserves for you and satoru, the way his mouth moved-

wait. his mouth is moving?

you snapped yourself out of your stupor and tuned back into the conversation.

“-and then we can sleep, don’t want to keep satoru waiting.” 

yeah, you have no clue what he’s talking about.

you tilted your head, a little smile teasing your lips, “what’d you say?”

suguru’s face fell from something loving and soft into a deadpan, the reading glasses he still had on emphasized his disappointment.

“you’re such a bad listener, you know that right?” he grabbed his bottle of amla hair oil (almost empty, you’d need to stop by the international grocery store to get more soon) and placed it on the counter.

“i just need you to oil my hair for me, it’s been getting a little dry.” a simple request you’ve fulfilled many times before.

you don’t think suguru needed a verbal response with the way you pulled out the shower stool stored under the sink and patted the seat, urging him to take a seat.

he sat down and tugged the hair tie holding his half bun in place. a bad habit suguru has is leaving his hair ties anywhere and everywhere, today was no exception.

suguru flicked the scrunchie away somewhere in the bathroom and let his lovely tresses fall down his back. 

one of you would get that. later. 

for now, you wanted to focus on suguru’s dying and unhydrated hair (it wasn’t that bad, just felt a little rough in your hands is all).

the motion of pouring oil onto your hands, rubbing them together, then starting at the roots was a well practiced routine. oftentimes, you and satoru would tackle suguru’s full head of hair at the same time to split the workload and provide the man with a relieving head massage. 

unfortunately, satoru’s incapacitated state on the bed meant he couldn’t help out this time. whatever. you’d get all the kisses and cuddles from suguru as a reward later.

you finally started to get to the ends of his hair, a particularly dried section.

“careful with the oil, don’t want it to stain my shirt.” he says that every time. 

and you were careful. every time.

suguru’s hair was freshly oiled and you dried your hands with a hand towel hanging on the towel rack while your boyfriend pulled on his long satin bonnet. he started to walk out of the bathroom before you remembered something, “!”

he turned around at the doorway, “what?”

“i forgot to do my own routine,” you said, turning to the vanity and picking out what you needed for the night.

“i can wait.” suguru closed the door and slumped onto the toilet seat cover.

“you don’t have to-” 

“i’m staying.” he leaned back, crossed his arms, and closed his eyes.

you just rolled your eyes and started your night routine.

the silence between the two of you was nice. all that filled the quiet was the low hum of the bathroom fan. (you missed the way suguru was eyeing you with hooded eyes and a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. he really loves you.)

by the time you finished, suguru had gone back to his stationary position with his eyes closed. you admired him and then leaned down to nuzzle your head against the crown of his head, his eyes opened pretty fast after that.

you laid a sweet kiss right against his lips, the fruity taste from his chapstick transferring to your own. then to tease him, you licked a little stripe up the center of his lips, coating his ashley piercing in spit.

“blegh! don’t do that!” and he smacked you away as you giggled.

suguru stood up and started to walk ahead of you, “i think the lack of sleep is getting to your head…” 

“whatever.” you turned the bathroom light off and closed the door behind you.

you threw yourself onto the bed and writhed in place a bit, trying to find the best sleeping position. on the contrary, suguru sat on the bed, swung his legs around, and tucked himself under the edge of the blanket pretty fast.

eventually, you found a good position. your back was to suguru’s front and you were curled facing satoru’s sleeping front. this was what you settled on every night.

but despite how tired you were, something in you still made you want to twist and turn in place like a worm. just to get all the energy out.

behind you, suguru was setting the digital alarm clock on the nightstand for some ungodly time in the morning (so he can get his workout routine out of the way). you found your perfect victim.

you pounced on suguru as softly as you could (once he turned around of course, you’d feel bad if he fell off the bed) and smothered him in kisses. 

“hi, hey, what’s up?” he sounded like he was trying not to giggle and laugh too loudly, for fear of waking up satoru.

“i dunno.” you teased and peppered featherlight kisses from the bottom of his frames down to his little double chin, giving him a big kiss where it dipped down the most. (a little freckle was right next to it. your eyes hadn’t adjusted to the darkness yet, but you knew it was there.)

suguru returned your affections with kisses on your cheeks that pushed so far you could feel the pressure on your tongue. you snickered bashfully and kicked your legs a little.

after that, all the fight and energy left you in favor of fatigue slipping into the cracks. you flopped beside suguru and gave him a final kiss on his right temple, “love you.” you whispered.

he turned your body around so you were back on your side and facing satoru. “love you back.” suguru whispered and kissed the back of your head.

you missed your third dearly. so in tandem, you and suguru reached out to pull satoru into your combined warmth.

at the same time, you and suguru each gave him a kiss at random points on his head, whispering the same thing, “love you so much.”

satoru woke up at the combined affection. just enough to finish the final step before sleep could claim you. he leaned forward enough to brush his lips against your nose, “love you baby.” then he reached as far as he could and kissed suguru’s neck, “love you su.” and he collapsed in front of you, back to sleep.

suguru shifted behind you, something clacking around on the side table. he put his fingers around the bridge of your glasses and folded them carefully. they clacked next to his.

your eyes closed as a big warm arm laid across your waist and extended outwards to the body in front of you.

[boydepartment]

TXT as Creepypasta Stories

a/n: okay so i was a little nervous to post this however i am in a spooky mood and i just wanted to put out something a little silly and fun. i grew up on creepypastas so i wanted to put this out :) i really hope none of you find this post weird LMAO warnings- this is HORROR so subjects of death, bullying, etc is present in this post. i tried to censor it as much as i could and i added my little comments in this as best as i could to make them more lighthearted

MASTERLIST wc- probably like 250-300

soobin- lavender town

lavender town syndrome was derived from the first pokémon game. the bgm of the town in the game had frequencies that led to kids yaknow dying. later on nintendo lowered the frequencies so kids stopped dying‼️

this one was a classic and soobin loves pokémon so i really thought it fit him :)

link to creepypasta

yeonjun- ticci toby

ticci toby’s story is about this kid who’s like extremely bullied and it’s kinda fucked up that the creator named him ticci toby because i’m 90% sure he has tourettes in the story. but that’s besides the point. he ends up like getting rid of his dad and runs in the woods, then gets adopted into the slenderman mansion ⁉️ that’s if i’m remembering correctly LMAO im relistening to the story rn, i forgot how well it was written

I HONESTLY JUST GAVE HIM TICCI TOBY BC I USED TO HAVE A CRUSH ON TOBY WHEN I WAS LIKE 11 now im older than ticci toby and i feel ancient.

link to creepypasta

taehyun- jeff the killer

okay gonna be fr, the only reason why i remember his story so well is because of laurenzsides sims 4 rendition of the creepypasta. jeff was this kid who had a really hot brother(sorry(I AM LIU’S AGE NOW THIS IS A WIN)) and two parents. from what i remember everything was chill w his parents and brother but he was just bullied. and then at a birthday party he got lit on fire??? and bleached??? then he kills everyone. OH MY GOD THE KIDS LIKE BULLIED HIM⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ I DO NOT REMEMBER THIS AT ALL⁉️⁉️⁉️ oh his parents were nice :( this is so sad

i thought giving taehyun a classic was good for him. jeff the killer is like THE creepypasta just like kang taehyun is THE hot guy 😇

link to the laurenzside sims 4 creepypasta video lol

beomgyu- russian sleep experiment

the russian sleep experiment was, you guessed it, an experiment. from what i remember the experiment was conducted during a war to test endurance. the prisoners from said war were told they would be set free if they followed through with the experiment. the prisoners were locked in a room and the scientists leaked this gas in the room to keep the prisoners from sleeping, without having sleep the prisoners go insane and start to kill eachother

the russian sleep experiment is honestly my favorite creepypasta. i read it a few years ago and then shane and ryan read it on are you scared and i was hooked. i feel like beomgyu would really like it.

link to the watcher video explaining the russian sleep experiment

hueningkai- ben drowned

basically this guy, finds a bootleg majoras mask game and starts getting haunted by this kid named ben who once again you guessed it! drowned! okay apparently there was a cult i don’t remember that at all if i’m being fr.

I LOVE ANYTHING LOZ AND IDK I THINK THAT IT FITS HIM‼️

link to the creepypasta

[nintendont2502]

😡

what pisses you off?

god so many things. . im actually the worlds biggest hater im just really good at hiding it

off the top of my head uhh

when people are talking/making noise when im trying to Do/Watch/Read/Listen to things,, bro just sthut up !!! really need to move out purely because sometimes i just Cannot stand the sound of people existing

being treated like a child,, bro im nearly an adult im chilling just because i look like im permanently 5 seconds away from a panic attack that doesnt mean im actually nervous and even if i was why are you talking to me like a child. man.

unrelated but shoutout to the time i tried going to the museum and they stopped me and only me at the door and were like 'oh are you here with your parents? :))' and when i went 'no uh. im 17?' they sounded genuinely shocked and were like 'really???" like yeah man i drove here i come here all the time you wanna see my drivers license? just let me in i got dinosaur bones to see

okay back to me being a hater uh i get so fucking frustrated when people cant understand me and i have to repeat myself (tbf thats probably on me talking way too fast and quiet but. man i cant do anything different ive tried). also related when people talk over me oh my god im going to kill someone

uhhh nintendo. everything about nintendo.

getting overstimulated makes me into the worlds biggest bitch im gonna be real. i hear too many sounsd at once and im either going to start crying or start screaming at someone (or both)

anxiety :thumbsup: man fuck anxiety bro

[thegeminisage]

long ass post major spoilers tldr i beat it

ok, i've got an hour, time to get started on the end of this game 😤

first straight to lookout landing to introduce purah and mineru.......

or no wait since im here and havent done it in awhile ill swing by the great fairy. if theres any armor i can possibly upgrade i really need to do that lol

okay there isn't really. lol. after pikmin 4 i am gonna need to farm so many materials......

okay, i cooked some food but i dont actually have anything useful so most of it is just atk up/def up/health refills. only a few anti-gloom foods, which is sure to get my ass kicked...

now i guess i just........dive in...................................

im nervous.

i dont have a lot of weapons and bows rn either but whatever ig!!! surely nintendo will provide. i have the master sword fused with one of the light dragon parts so she can fight with me in every possible way!!! also i think the durability wont be affected when it's in its glow mode which it will be down there

thunderstorm as i walk up to the castle lol. classic

alright. WELL. geronimo.

wow that really is. a long way down. okay.

okay hold on wait there's a spot missing on my map. do i get a fucking lightroot down here? i just check. it is so high up. probably unclimbable. do i need to dive again? i'm diving again. fast traveling to the shrine above this time

the bg ambience down here is fucking freaky btw

ok, i got it this time. whew.

back down i go. yeesh.

my neighbors pick NOW to mow their lawn. fuck me sideways

oh im already one heart lost. this floor is COVERED in gloom...

THE FIGHT MUSIC THO...damn

ugh, four hearts down and only two recovery items...yikes. i'm gonna get my ass beat fr but i don't have time to go farm sundelions nor do i want to rn

i can't figure out where to go. i went down a hole with monsters bc that seemed like the only route but now i can't find a way to proceed

did my sword just RING at me??????

fi girl what is going on

oh fuck me there's a gloom lynel

okay yeah no. this isn't gonna work. i need to fucking go farm fucking sundelions. UGH im so mad about it

okay. farmed. going to cook. jesus fuck

COOKED. warping back to the lightroot. bet that mf lynel refilled its stupid health

it did.

I GOT HIM.......ohhh it broke my sword to do it :( i didnt know it could break when it was powered up like that. but i got him...

but now where do i...?

this doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm just heading back into the depths. probably fought that lynel for no reason at all. but i'm scared to look up a walkthru bc of spoilers :(

ok, i did find a guide and i think this is the right way? im scrolling down like one line at a time lol

THE POWER OF A SAGE CANNOT REACH YOU??? OH THIS IS DEFINITELY THE RIGHT WAY

it was way too crowded with all of them but now i feel verrry alone

I FOUND HANDS................

ohhhh i do not want to fight phantom ganon in this gloom covered arena. i do not want to

but with no sages...i can't get across without engaging...

OKAY. THE GOOD NEWS. KILLED THE HANDS. THE BAD NEWS. PHANTOM GANON CHASED ME UP TO THIS HIGH SPOT

GOT HIS ASS!!!! gibdo bone arrows you motherFUCKER

ok, i got across the room...

wait. this looks familiar

THE MUSIC!!!! THIS IS IT THIS IS WHERE I STARTED..................

GLOOM REDEADS!!!!! not today motherfuckers. im not getting jumped im NOT getting jumped

the murals...i can blow up the rocks now

OH MY GODDD.....

the imprisoning war, zelda healing the sword, and becoming a dragon...she WALKED RIGHT PAST THESE with her ALREADY HAVING DONE IT in the past, not knowing she was about to do it again in her own future...oh my god im gonna be SICK

oh that is a big hole.

WAIT...THIS IS THE HOLE SHE FELL DOWN........

WHY IS THE MUSIC DOING THIS...im scared someone come hold my hand

oh my god. the torch zelda dropped is at the bottom of this hole.

im picking it up and im fucking giving it back to her

it JUST keeps going down....

oh god another big jump. OKAAAYYYYY

what IS that..............

DEMON ARMY??? BY MYSELF?????

OH MY GODDDDDDD MY BESTIES!!!! THE GANG IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck me im welling up. ive never been more glad for a crowded screen

got my master sword back. fused with zelda's horn. refilled my health. THIS IS ITTTTTT

ROUND TWO!!!!!! IM NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHINGGGG

round three is redeads. i am afraid of some things actually

im not getting jumped. i am NOT getting jumped. ive been playing this game for 200 hours and they havent got close enough to jump me yet i AM NOT GETTING JUMPED.

oh my god this music is AMAZINGGGG

AND I DIDN'T GET JUMPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROUND FOUR!!!!! bring it bring it bring it

BOSS RUSH?

oh my god no...NOOOO my besties.........

i'm alone again :( and with seven minutes until my sword recharges...

ah. i can't save here

oh my god THERE HE IS!!!!!!

the music...

dehydrated voice is so much better

OHHHH MY GOD HE DRANK SOME WATER.....THIS IS FROM THE TRAILERS........

does he have black nail polish on his fingers AND TOES? get it girl

THEY REVIVIED MY MASTER SWORD.......

zelda's with me 😭😭😭 this one's for you babygirl

this music is so quiet and sinister wtf...........

is he. IS HE FLURRY RUSHING ME??

THAT'S MY TRICK, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.........

phase one DOWN. eat gibdo bone my guy

DEMISE FORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM ABSOLUTELY WAILING THEYRE PLAYING THE OOT GANONDORF MUSIC LIKE IM GENUINELY WELLING UP

HIS HEALTH BAR?????????????????????????????????????????

TULIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! right as the botw theme plays omg

YUNOBOOOOOO

SIDON AND RIJU.........ONE MORE

AND MINERU!!!! there she IS!!!!! six on one babey

HALFWAY THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cutscene reward

no no no not my besties again

DID HE JUST BREAK MY HEARTS FR???

ohhh the calamity ganon theme!!!

hylian shield badly damaged. GREAT.

i can't get him with my sword. he always does that slowmo thing backwards. but i CAN get him with my lynel bow and gibdo arrows >:)

she died as she lived: running away from the bad guy and shooting at him over her shoulder

GOT HIS ASS!!!!!

OHHHH HE'S GONNA SWALLOW IT...........

i knew this was coming bc of spoilers but it's still incredible. that man just put his whole fist down his throat 😳

compare that to the dainty way zelda swallowed hers lol...

DID THIS MF JUST EAT ME???

wait...his dragon form...is just the calamity???

TIME?? LOOP??????????????

the tune from the trailers........

oh my god okay he's a normal dragon. i was about to start having heart palpitations

i just STRAIGHT UP. for real burst into tears. i have to pause

zelda came to help me................................you go 200 hours thinking she doesn't know or remember you but she RESCUED me she CAUGHT ME.........she's so little compared to him oh god.......

AM I CONTROLLING HER?? WE'RE FLYING TOGETHER...........

accidentally jumped off.

THE MUSIC. THE SAXOPHONE. I'D GIVEN UP ON EVER SEEING IT AGAIN THAT'S GOTTA BE MY MF BINGO

i'm literally crying too much to fight him rn

oh man landing on his back hurts me...how tf am i supposed to get him

one weak spot down. three to go. she literally catches me...literally there's saxophone...

two more! every time she catches me i start bawling again. this is so embarrassing like there are literally tears on my face as i play this. i didn't know she was gonna do that. i knew he turned into a dragon but i didn't know she was gonna help me

she is literally still in there after 10,000 years. her 100 in hyrule castle must feel like nothing in comparison

man and him in the ouroboros position every time...

BLOOD MOON????

RIGHT INTO HIS FOREHEAD JUST LIKE WIND WAKER

bro i am FUCKING sobbing

dark beast ganon theme.

HOLY SHIT...THE EXPLOSION....IS EVERYBODY OKAY??????

oh my god oh my GOD...THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE HER

ARE GONNA CHANGE HER BACK

his arm..............

I CAUGHT HER.......FINALLY.......CATHARSIS...................

IN HIS AAAAAARMS

OH GOD FI......

quest status find princess zelda: complete. i'm losing it. i found her. fucking found her.

she's HOME.

CREDITS ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im trying to collect myself during this time. when i say i am fucking sobbing i am not exaggerating. i am boohoo wailing with tears rolling down my fucking face. legend of zelda tears of ME because of this GAME!!!!!!!

i dont even care that they broke the lore. ok i do care a lot actually but whatever. whatever.

THE CREDITS ARE SO GOOD..........all the shots of link touching people's hands!!!!!!!!!!

AND THEIR HANDS FIXING ZELDA.....

AND CATCHING HERRRRRRRRR

the end...........

OH POST CREDITS CUTSCENE.......

mineru....there goes mom #4, twice

NOOOO IF SHE CRIES IM GONNA GET STARTED AGAIN

oh my god. that was amazing

this is my first time seeing the title screen. i haven't closed the game once since may 12

oh my god that was AMAZING. i am sitting here in total awe!!!!!!!

NOW i can finally enjoy zeldatube again.....i can hear all the theories........i can pirate this mf SOUNDTRACK HOLY SHIT. but first i gotta update my bingo board

wow. what a game

[shervso]

I HAD LIKE 5+ UNSAVED HOURS IN POKEMON PLATNUIM AND NOW MY FUCKING DS CRASHED AND I HAD TO UNENTER AND RENETER THE CARD AND NOW I HAVE TO LEVEL UP MY POKEMON AROUND A TOTAL OF 20 LEVELS AND DEFEAT TWO MAJOR BATTLES ALL OVER AGAIN

IM GONNA DO IT

IM GONNA BE THE FIRST PERSON TO KILL THEMSELVES WITH A NINTENDO DS

[wariolandthepipdimension]

im so mad at myself. is it even my turn to vent yet probably not but fuck the rules baby

uh. tw for me yapping about suicide and general queerphobia and bullying and shit

i keep fucking staying up until 5 am on my phone because im scared of sleeping because i might have nightmares about otherwise trivial things that irritate me because im a stupid self centered bitch whos so scared of a little bit of hate because apparently its almost like that person wants to kill me.

and staying up on my phone isn't even the thing im worried about here its the fact that im mostly on tumblr. because its the only place i feel safe. and what if my mom finds it through the apps i spend the most time on and looks at my blog and sees that i dont strictly use she/her pronouns and supports palestine and supports all queer identities and actually does kill me. or at least does something that leads to me. you know. committing chapter 8 my life ends here.

and also the fact that i stay up all night and go to sleep until 1 pm. i feel so disgusting and lazy depression probably doesnt even excuse it atp im probably just looking for comfort since nobody else can give it to me i mean others have it far worse than i do lol

and Him. dont fucking forget about Him. i had a fucking nightmare about him touching me. not even in anywhere intimate just on my head. just the idea of him making any form of physical contact with me is fucking repulsive. im absolutely terrified to go back to school because what if hes planning things to do to hurt me. what if he has more friends to harm me. what if he hurts Her because Shes one of the only people who trusts me. he didnt even do that much he just made me extremely uncomfortable

literally the only four things keeping me from killing myself are my online friends and the spicy cookies from the hit korean mobile game franchise known as cookie run (specifically only peperoncino and habanero and capsaicin and the other scovillia cookies but my prove is still pointen) and the haha funny wario game released for the nintendo wii on july 24 2008 and the one girl from my school i have an extremely obsessive crush on and if she Finds Out™ then 3/4 of those things (or all 4 if she's sick enough to keep me out of school to "protect me further from the gay agenda") are gonna be taken away from me and. quick question to my mom. do you want a dead child? no? then get your shit together and stop making baseless threats against me for having human decency.

"why do you hide everything from me????????? 🥺🥺🥺" well if you never made those threats to me because i reacted in an almost justified way when you were being hateful about trans people i would have felt more comfortable telling you things. and dont even try and say "but i support the gays too!!!!!!! but not the mutilation psychos!!!!!!" youd probably tell someone to stop shoving it in their faces if you saw even a little tiny lesbian flag pin on their jacket. and stop using psycho for every person you ever so slightly have beef with. its getting annoying and not everyone who thinks trans people should have basic rights has a psychotic disorder. thank you <3

i wouldve been more hopeful about everything if my parents didnt have fucking fox news on every evening and not one not two but THREE FUCKING PRO TRUMP SHITSTUFF in their front yard. these fuckers never learn. i hope blue wins this year so i can see them wail and bitch about their stupid little fascist orange losing. but again thats just one of the dumb little trivial things that frustrate me beyond my limits. i find it funny how i pretend im just. not interested in anything political but. does a backflip

my fucking god can someone just fucking euthanize me. wait not even that. just fucking torture me and keep me alive. like do some wild shit. make the devil shiver even more than he would when a nice guy loses his temper.

i know im overreacting. i know im just making shit up like the self centered pile of flesh i am. but im so mad right now im beyond livid i might blast glittertown in my earbuds again to at least dull the rage

[schlonghaver]

what the fuck

[yikesharringrove]

Okay. Dear billy.

Main argument: hoppers storyline is becoming my favorite. Putting himself through all this shit to go back is excellent, and the grittiness and gore of it all has me tickled. I love Steve being a lil dumb dumb as much as the next guy, but does him being Stupid need to be the punchline of every scene he’s in? Last season they gave him figuring out the horse music and the Russians in the mall but he’s gotten dumber every season and I don’t have much hope. Max’s storyline is where the most tension is. I really haven’t seen spoilers so idk if she’ll survive. They love getting us attached and then killing people with no warning so idk. I know hopper is gonna make it home but they really could fuck over max here so it’s sketchy.

THAT SCENE WITH HER RUNNING THROGUH VECNAS MIND WHILE RUNNING UP THAT HILL PLAYS AND THEN IT GOES INTO THE INSTRUMENTAL

Max’s letter to billy is fucking sad especially because we could’ve fucking HAD IT if there were better writers working on this shit.

Thots:

Bubbles is being super annoying in his cage behind my head rn he’s digging his stupid little holes I love him.

Steve’s reaction to Max admitting she’s been having headaches like that’s his bf’s little sister he’s shitting himself.

Steve Harrington will literally grab anything and use it as a weapon. Don’t you carry your bat in the trunk of your car everywhere like you do in fics? You know, because of the trauma-fueled anxiety you have? No?

Nobody ever listens to steve and the way he pissed himself and curled up when he saw Lucas is why

“I COULDVE TAKEN YOU OUT WITH THIS LAMP” darling. everyone knows that is very much Not True. #incompetent

Erica painting her miniatures PLEASE I miss mr clark

“Another week of this and he’s buying me a GOTDAMN Nintendo. With duck hunt.” Erica I love you p l e a s e

Ah, yes. The season-annual stupidification of Steve Harrington. At least last season he figured out that the Russians were in the mall. This season they really said No Thoughts Head Empty.

“If a gate didn’t exist in the fifties, how did he get through?” THATS WHAT IM SAYING. He just lives in the upside down. He pays rent but he wasn’t born there. He’s a gentrifier.

Steve just gave Dustin the bitchiest little look ever and then crossed his legs like they’re made of rope. FRUIT.

Bro where are they??? Is this mikes basement???

“Where’s mine” Steve you are NOT coming with omg he thought he was gonna be able to pose as a psych student he literally can’t pose as someone who is good at reading

Baby boy no

“OMG YOU HAVE A TOM CRUISE POSTER. omg you have a Tom cruise poster.”

“Maybe I could turn on my pap pap pap my charm” STEVEN

Robin going through Nancys shit and Steve doing nothing to stop her the way she rummages through his entire house every time she comes over

“Not the kind of charm we need” Nancy he’s literally gonna seduce the guy. They’ll fuck while you and Robin sneak in. Win-win.

THISE UGLY FUCKING CLOTHES ARE FROM NANCYS CLOSET???? Bro I literally SAID Nancy’s wardrobe is the devil. Did I NOT??

Not hop out here with his BROKEN ANKLE

“Of course not. She saves your life because of friendship.” This fucking GUY

I really forget about mike will and Jonathan when they’re not actively on screen. I think my brain is trying to block out the haircut travesty that is that group.

Argyle is literally The Most he’s amazing

Max: I know that you guys are staring at me

Lucas: what? Sorry?

Steve: Jus hangin out

Dustin: you said you needed something?

These three literally can’t be normal ever

Max: you can look at me now

Dustin: thank you

Lucas: sorry

Steve: sorry

No they CANT ever be normal. What freaks I love them.

MAX WHAT THE FUCK GIRL NOT THESE LETTERS that’s so fucking sad

THEY WERE IN MIKES BASEMENT why Nancy wasn’t even fucking there for most of that ?????

“I swear to god Steve, I will prosecute” VIOLENCE when will this man know peace

Robin freaking out in that outfit like she wasn’t in the ugliest band uniform in the world. Complaining about itchy tight clothes and an uncomfy bra and saying she can’t breathe. Neurodivergent.

Robin monologuing rn she’s incredible

Natalia must have pissed off someone in the hair and makeup department bc this season and last season she spent with hair that looks dry and crispy while also being limp, sweaty, and flat, and makeup that looks like it’s in the process of being cried and also sweat off. It’s rough. She’s so pretty but ouch

“If things go south I should mention I’m a black belt in karate now.”

Stranger things’s hot take is that Russians are just Weird.

JOYCE WINKING BACK AT YURI WHILE ALSO LOOKING LIKE SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHES DOING

Hoppers storyline is so so good

This moment between Susan and max is gonna make me lose my marbles. She’s trying to warn her mom and she’s so scared I’m Freaking Out.

Christ. Should’ve known it was too good to be true.

Robin and Nancy gaslighting the shit out of this creepy fucking guy right now.

NOT THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS DUNGEON. This isn’t Anthony Hopkins :/

ROBIN BUCKLEY HELL YEAH TOTALLY CONFIRMED LAST NAME

OH SHIT YES BODY HORROR YES EYELESS MAN

Alright. Well now I see how they’re going to end up in Utah. Doesn’t mean I don’t fucking hate it.

WILL HAS A LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS POSTER IN HIS ROOM I’m going feral I’m froenchfrounch frothing at the mouth.

I’ve never given a shit enough to ship byler but will CLEARLY has a crush on mike and I’m. Feeling very gay about it.

Oh I CANNOT with this shaky cam right now ffs.

Seasons 3/4 Byers’s house getting fucked up classic

Hopper has a broken ankle and also isn’t wearing SHOES.

Never been so happy to watch a man cry while eating peanut butter off his fingers

The Elvira poster is making me also gay.

Christ alive these people can NEVER get a fucking break.

We’re getting so much Steve’s Beamer content this season lmao

Max just fucking TALK TO LUCAS I’m begging I’m begging

I’m getting a lot of Doom Patrol season 1 from victor’s story I’m pretty hear for it. It’s also giving early Supernatural vibes. Like the Bloody Mary episode where she kills people with fatal secrets.

HE CUT HIS OWN EYES OUT WHAT WHAT WHAT

Love this fucking guy

William Hargrove. Gone but not forgotten ✊😔

Also the way I’m gonna ignore Billy’s canon birthday literally forever.

I do NOT fucking believe neil “couldn’t stand being here without you” no he was fucking missing his gotdamn punching bag you can say it

THIS is the redemption arc the thought billy deserved???? Bitch he deserved so much fucking MORE.

Steve is a nail biter #canon

Also I already saw Dacre’s post so I know he comes back as a flashback but I heard that fucking laugh and I LOST IT

STEVE SAYING “time to giddy up, yeah?” IM CRYING HES SUCH A LOSER OMG THE SHOW PONY OF IT ALL

Vecna Billy stomping out of the mist to fuck with Max meanwhile I’m YELLING

I’m sorry but Dacre is the best actor that’s been on this fucking show and they really just killed him the fuck off

ROBIN MADE THE MUSIC CONNECTION GOOD THING MAX HAS HER WALKMAN AND HER KATE BUSH TAPEim so fucking stressed I’m so fucking stressed

Lol how long do you think dacre was in makeup for just to have thirty seconds on screen.

PICK A SONG FASTER YOU IDIOTS

THE KATE BUSH BEING HER FAVORITE WAS A JOKE I MADE TO THE TV STOP STOP

(No shade I love Kate bush it’s just funny I don’t see max being into her)

Running up that hill really can save lives

Shit. The power of friendship really pulled through for max here

[lumberjackloverboy-moved]

hi i don't know anything at all about zelda can you describe the plot in as much detail as u can /gen

OH BOY. OH BOY. OH NO

so zelda is notorious for having the most bullshit timeline ever so if you really want this buckle up lmao.

so here is the beautiful horrible convoluted timeline. it covers 15 games (two are missing), three timeline splits, and is just ridiculous:

im gonna break this up by timeline, then game, and end w breath of the wild and hyrule warriors. there'll be some lore bits thrown in too. this is your time to leave if you need to. you've been warned /hj

(i spent literal days on this everyone is required to like and tell me how smart and handsome i am)

CREATION AND PRE SPLIT:

So in the beginning, there were the Three Golden Goddesses: Din, the Goddess of Power, Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom, and Farore, the Goddess of Courage.

Together, they created the world. Then they dipped outta there. They entrusted the world to Hylia, who is also called the golden goddess sometimes bc nintendo can't think of another color. basically, they left, and when they did they went to the sacred realm, a realm that is uh. sacred. idk holy stuff is there, and at the spot where they left the material plane and entered this realm, the triforce was created. it was a trio of sacred golden triangles (yes more gold. nintendo pls) that would give immense power to whoever held it, mostly in the form of granting any wish imaginable. it was made up of the triforces of wisdom, power, and courage.

so the goddess are are gone, hylia is chillin, protecting the world and the triforce, everything is great until our anti-bestie demise shows up. demise is the king of the demons (??? it's not made very clear what he is. he's bad, okay?) and he wants control of the world and the triforce. a war breaks out between the two gods and hylia goes to find someone strong enough to help her end it. that someone is link, the First Ever Link bc there are like 18 of them. the goddess sword is forged for him, which holds the sword spirit fi, and they uh. well they dont really win.

(hylia and her dead boyfriend. rip)

hylia seals demise away, but link is killed in action and the world is decimated. she sends the last of her people onto an island in the sky, far from the destruction, and, knowing the seal wont hold forever, reincarnates herself and link so they'll be there when the seal breaks.

Skyward Sword

okay so did you get all that? that's the fucking PROLOGUE baby. i told you this would be long, im so sorry. NOW we are at the first game, skyward sword! it was made for the wii and really unpopular bc the motion controls sucked, which is a shame bc the story and character designs are great! so remember when we last saw link and hylia and they were being reincarnated? meet zelda and link 2.0, the two people they were reincarnated as!

link and zelda are two normal teens living on skyloft, the island in the sky. they're at an academy to become knights, they fly around on their giant birds, have the cutest fucking friendship ever, and their life is pretty damn good aside from a few bullies, like groose. but one day when link and zel are out flying a storm appears and rips zelda out of the sky. bye bye zelda. link is in a panic, and is called by uh. the force? to where the goddess sword and fi have been slumbering. he draws fi, puts on a snazzy green hat, and sets off for the world under skyloft to find zelda.

on the surface, he finds that zelda was saved from the storm by impa, her badass girlfriend, and that they are on the run trying to purify zelda's soul so she can fully realize her goddess potential. link follows after, and in the process meets the demon twink lord ghirahim, who is trying to capture zelda and use her life force to revive demise. he is the spirit of demise's sword, just as fi is the spirit of link's.

so link is following zelda around and ends up at the temple of the time, where zelda and impa are chilling. ghirahim finds them and zelda and impa book it through a gate of time (time travel? fun!) but not before zelda gives link her magic goddess harp. link goes on a funky quest to learn how to use it. in the process, he meets up w his old bully groose. they make up and team up to save zelda. quality redemption arc, it's super cute. link fights a weakened version of demise that was slowly escaping the seal, the imprisoned. it's a stupid boss fight it's not that important. anyways, now he finds out his sword isnt strong enough to kill demise (it would have been a lot faster if they just told him all of this upfront???) so he has to go beef it up.

he does so using the sacred flames and gets the master sword! that sword is very important! it is in almost every game do not forget it!

link finds a second gate of time, beats the shit outta ghirahim over it, and goes through, ending up in a time right after demise gets sealed away. link learns abt hylia's war and that hylia essentially created him just to fight for her and kill demise, which is a shitty thing to do. agency? hylia has never heard of it. it is a recurring problem w her. so link and zelda learn that the seal that had been keeping demise sleep from the end of the war to the present day was actually zelda. time travel! so she has to stay in a magic coma and do that until link kills demise, w link is pretty upset about, but oh well. he goes and gets the triforce and wishes that demise would idk explode or something. he asks it to kill him. the imprisoned (which came back. its such a fucking stupid enemy) is nuked by the triforce, and link books it to zelda. she wakes up, they hug, it's cute, but BAM ghirahim shows up in his twinkish glory, kidnaps zelda, and decides that if he cant resurrect demise in this time he'd just go back in time and do it in another. Time travel!!!

he tries to sacrifice zelda and link beats the ever loving snot outta him, but he's too slow. demise is back baby!! they fight and link wins bc he's link, but before he could finish him off demise curses him: he says that for the rest of time his hatred shall be reborn to destroy the world, and anyone with the blood of hylia (zelda) or the spirit of the hero (link) will be cursed to forever be reborn to stop him. ouch. anyways link seals him in the master sword (a reoccurring process in the games) the day is saved blah blah blah. which means we're ready for.....

Minish Cap

so this is the first game i ever finished by myself! It is near and dear to me. it was on the gameboy and is fucking adorable.

it has been many many many many years since skyward sword. like multiple milenia. hyule, the land established by link and zelda on the surface in ss, is thriving, life is good. now in this hyrule there are these lil bitty mouse creatures called minish who can only be seen by children and do good deeds like hide money in the grass and help you find lost things. every year, the hylians in castle town, the capital of hyrule, hold a festival to honor them.

okay enough exposition!

link, a 10~ year old blacksmith apprentice, (hylia starts em on the trauma train young lol) is meeting up w his best friend, princess zelda, and go to the festival. she gifts him a sheild and he goes with her to watch a sword tournament where a strange person in purple named vaati beats out the competition. for a prize he's supposed to meet the princess, win a sword, and see the picori blade in person. the picori sword, which was forged by the minish as a gift for the last hero of hyrule (reincarnation remember), is a fancy magic sword that bound a sealed chest that held a shit ton of dark creatures and magic and shit. instead of accepting his prize, vaati breaks the sword releasing the dark magic.

he had come in search of the magical light force, a sacred power that is in zelda bc she has the blood of hylia. a note: the words light force/triforce/sacred power/etc are all used when talking abt zelda and vary from game to game. they mean the exact same thing, that she's got the blood of hylia and ~magic goddess powers~. okay to our regularly scheduled programming. so vaati is pissed he didn't find the light force, thinking it was a physical thing he could take, so he murders the guards and turns zelda to stone. link tries and fails to protect her, and once vaati leaves decides that, despite being ten and vaati being a grown man with magic, he's gonna kill vaati and save zelda. he decides the best step would be to fix the picori blade so he sets out for minish woods to find them.

on the way he finds..... a talking hat! the minish cap! or, a cap that is literally a minish. it is a minish sorcererer named ezlo who was curses by vaati into a cap. turns out, vaati wasnt always some big tough guy-he's actually minish! he was ezlo's apprentice who went mad with power, turned himself into a human, and decided to steal the light force. with ezlo's magic, link is able to shrink down to the size of a minish, speak to animals, do certain magic, etc etc etc. so link learns that in order to remake the picori blade, he needs the four elements and sets off on a quest to find them. Link places them and the sword in the elemental sanctuary and forges the four sword, a holy blade that can split its user into four people. link learns from the history of the sanctuary that zelda holds the light force.

meanwhile, vaati has been spying on link. uh oh! he seens when link learns about zelda! uh oh!!! vaati steals zelda's body and begins a ritual to extract her soul/life force/whatever so he can get the power. fun fact, if you take too slow in the boss fight she will die. it will tell you that you were too slow and she is dead now. 10 year old me was traumatized the first time that happened. link beats vaati and him and zelda seal his evil final boss form away in the four sword and place the sword in the sanctuary. the day is saved <3 .... or is it????!?!

Four Sword/Four Sword Adventures

god where to even start. so there games are multiplayer and have almost no plot. i could give the plot of the manga, but it is 100% non canon, so that seems like a waste. Basically: vaati as giant evil bat thing gets free of the four sword. kidnaps zelda. link pulls sword to kill him, turns into four people. a few dungons later he kills vaati. the end. told ya there was no plot.

Ocarina of Time

back to plot! so! much! plot!!!!! Welcome to one of the, if not the, most well know of the games. it was zelda's first 3d game and created a whole generation of zelda fans. a note though: the plot carries some concerning race problems. our main villain is the king of 'thieves from the desert' called the gerudo who all have dark skin and large noses, and the women all wear stereotypical sexualized ~exotic~ belly dancer outfits. they make uncomfortably sexual shouts when link kills them. it's not good. the gerudo appear multiple times in the series and none of them are done well. the gerudo are a race of all women, with one man being born every 100 years and automatically becoming king, and this lore is often written in a very transmisogynistic way, especially in one of the later games, breath of the wild. basically, the racism, misogyny, and occasional transmisogyny cannot be ignored when talking about the gerudo and ocarina of time. okay back to plot.

it has been a long, long, long, long, long time since vaati and the four sword. since then, there has been a bloody civil war. ten years after it ends, we open on our hero....

deep in hyrule forest lives a race of forest spirits called the kokiri. they are eternal children, gifted immortality but unable to age or leave the forest, and are watched over by the great deku tree, a forest deity in the shape of a giant tree. each kokiri has a guardian fairy who watches over them- except for one. ten year old link (thank you hylia for traumatizing children) lives in kokiri forest and he is the only boy without a fairy :( it's just him and his bestie saria, and he faces relentless bullying from mido. one night, he has a horrible nightmare of a man on horseback chasing a woman and girl and is woken up by a... fairy! link has a fairy now! her name is navi and she tells link that he's being summoned by the great deku tree. after some harassment via mido and grabbing a sword and shield, the two of them are off. they meet up with the tree and his killer mustache only to learn that the deku tree has been cured by a wicked man in black armor (who totally isn’t our main villain /s). link goes inside the tree to break the curse, which took the form of a giant spider, but it was too late. the deku tree died, but not after giving link the spiritual stone of the forest: the kokiri emerald. he tells link the stone is magic and he has to bring it to hyrule castle and the princess asap. so link books it, apparently forgetting the kokiri die when they leave the forest but whatever. he's stopped by saria who also seems to have forgotten he will DIE if he leaves the forest, and she tells him she always knew he was different from the rest of them and destined to leave. ouch. she gives him her ocarina and tells him to remember her, because they'd always be best friends, no matter what

:*(

so link leaves and finds his way to castle town where he then sneaks into the castle and finds.... the girl from his dream! uh oh! that's princess zelda, who told him she had a dream of a child from the forest with a shining stone and a fairy who came to her to help her banish the dark clouds over hyrule. she thinks ganondorf, the gerudo king, is what the dark clouds represent, and her and link go snooping. turns out that... it's the man from his dream! shit! that's not good!

zelda tells him that ganon plans to steal the triforce, and bc no one else believes her it is up to her and link to stop him. she tells him there are 4 things ganon needs to unlock the entrance to the sacred realm: the three spiritual stones (kokiri emerald, zora sapphire, and goron ruby) and the ocarina of time (game title shout out!!!). zelda has the ocarina hidden, so link just has to grab the rest of the stones. link sets out, but not before impa (the woman from the dream. this is a lot of dream people. also, a second impa! cool! ) tells him 'zelda's lullaby', which he can play on saria's ocarina when proof of his connection to the royal family is needed.

link goes to see the gorons and the zora; he befriends goron chief durania, becoming his brother in arms, and gets the ruby, then saves princess ruto of the zora, who proposes and gives him the sapphire. link runs back to zelda- uh oh! zelda and impa are being chased by ganon on horseback! just like the DrEaM!!!

Ganon spots link, knocks him around a bit bc who doesn't love attacking children, zelda tosses the ocarina of time to him, and link books it to the temple of time to unlock the sacred realm. he does so and what does he find? the master sword! i told ya not to forget it! so, sacred realm open, he pulls the sword, and wakes up 7 years in the future. ganon stole the triforce while he was gone, but bc ganon's soul was unbalanced the triforce split into it's three parts; ganon kept the triforce of power, zelda the triforce of wisdom, and link the triforce of courage. in 99.9 percent of the games, if the triforce is there, it's broken up between them in that way. SO ANYWAYS, zelda is mia and now link is a grown-up. guess he's not really a kokiri then. weirdest way to find you're adopted, right? so link is an adult now and the world has ended, but while he's sitting there like 'wtf do i do now?' out of the shadows, comes the world's coolest most transgender ninja, sheik. sheik is a sheikah (who would have guessed?) a race of secretive shadow people who have been protecting the hyrule royal family since impa #1 in skyward sword. so sheik is like 'yo dude, life fuckin SUCKS rn, but you are the hero of time and it is your duty to save hyrule!'

so sheik follows link around, giving him advice, helping him, etc etc, they're buds. sheik tells him to save the six sages: the light sage, rauru, the sage of fire, durania (remember him?), the sage of water, ruto (remember her??) the sage of shadow, impa (remember her???), the sage of spirit, naburoo, a gerudo warrior who we meet through a rather confusing bit of time travel, and the sage of forest, saria! REMEMBER HER?!?!?!

so now link has the sages, which gives him the power to go and kill ganon. he's gearing up to go stab him when sheik pops up.

'hi link!' they say. 'so you know how i said i was sheikah? i lied! i'm actually princess zelda, the seventh sage!'

link is like, holy shit my bestie is not, in fact, a ninja but instead royalty! and almost as soon as he says that, ganon shows up and gives this monologue that’s basically just, 'i knew the princess would show herself if i watched you long enough. guess i was right!' and kidnaps sheik/zelda. link goes off after him, they fight. link wins! ganon turns into a giant evil pig! link wins!! zelda and the sages are saved. zelda tells him that she's sorry that he lost his childhood to this, so with the ocarina of time she sends him back 7 years. Back at the start of the game, link tells the king what he knows, ganondorf is arrested before he can take over the world, and life is good (is it tho? is it really?). navi, link's beloved fairy, vanishes, and his heart is broken. story ends w a deeply traumatized child, the end.

but is it the end? is it? is it really? no, no it is not <3 when link did all that time travel he caused a three way timeline split: the child timeline, the adult timeline, and the defeated timeline. it gets even more complicated from here, buckle up!

CHILD TIMELINE

the timeline here starts when adult link returns to the begging of oot to get ganon arrested. hyrule is saved before it can be taken over, and link is 10 again with a shit load of trauma and no therapist <3

Majora's Mask

considered the darkest zelda game out there, and so stressful that i have never actually played it and just watched lets plays, majora's mask takes place immediately after ocarina of time. like 3 days after. link is a depressed and traumatized ten years old having had to spend the past few months as a fully developed 17 year old (or as developed as a teen can get), which is fucking with his sense of self, on top of that, navi has disappeared. he decides he's going to find her, takes the ocarina of time and this horse, epona, and goes off into the world to find his fairy.

While he’s riding through the woods his horse is spooked by two fairies: tatl and tael, who are siblings and work with skull kid. Link is thrown off the horse and knocked out for a bit. Out of the shadows comes said skull kid— skull kids are a race of mischievous child spirits from the forest, but this particular skull kid has an attitude. He begins going through link’s stuff, intending to rob him. One notable feature of skull kid is his mask; he has this really creepy mask he wears called the majora’s mask (name drop!!). The mask is actually magic! It houses the spirit majora, a evil spirit hellbent on destruction that was sealed in there by a tribe of evil sorcerers. By wearing it, skull kid has been given magic powers but has also become steadily corrupted. By the end of the game he isn’t even a conscious person anymore, just a vessel for majora. Basically, he was a little shit throughout the game but it wasn’t really his fault.

So anyways, link is knocked out and skull kid is going through his stuff. He finds the ocarina of time and begins messing with it when link wakes up; link tries to grab it but skull kid steals his horse and books it. Link takes off in pursuit. they end up meeting up underground in front of a giant door; skull kid tells link he disposed of epona ( D: ) and makes fun of him when link is obviously upset, and then turns link into a deku sprout, a small wooden plant creature. skull kid bolts, but tatl gets left behind. she and link go through the door, which they find out lead underneath clock town, the capital of termina, the country link has found himself in. there, they meet a very creepy man w a very large backpack: the happy mask salesman, who hits them with one of the game's iconic quotes 'you've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?'

the salesman tells link that skull kid stole the mask from him and that if link got it back for him he would show him how to turn back to normal, but that link only had three days. he was leaving in three days, he needed it back in three days. okay we've established how important the three days are, and thats bc skull kid is going to make the FUCKING MOON fall and destroy termina in three days <3 so link is on a race against time to stop him.

link does not manage to stop him. he gets to the top of the clock tower where skull kid is and recovers his ocarina, but he's unable to stop majora. tael (remember him?) tells them to find the four giants. only they can stop majora. link plays the song of time, which turns back time. he's able to turn himself back into a human with the song of healing, which heals souls, turning the spirit of the deku scrub inside him into a mask he can use to turn into one at will.

determined to save termina, link goes to find all four giants, saving townsfolk and completing sidequests along the way. as he helps people he gains masks, which help him in different ways with their magic. he heals the souls of two other people, a zora named mikau, which gives him the zora mask, allowing him to turn into a zora, and a goron named darmani, which gets him a mask that... lets him turn into a goron. he finds his horse and fights some baddies. the giants are freed. on the final three day cycle he goes to the top of the clock tower to face majora. majora flees to the inside of the moon when the giants stop it from falling and link follows. he finds a field filled with a handful of children playing. through playing with them, he eventually gains the fierce deity mask, which houses the soul of a war god. with it, ke kills majora, fixes the moon, frees skull kid, and saves the day.

he wanders into the distance, and no one ever hears from link again-- alive.

(the fierce deity (right) and majora (left), drawn by cynthia leman @ https://cynthia_leman.artstation.com/)

Twilight Princess

We're back in hyrule! bye bye termina! it's been a while since oot and hyule is at peace. nowhere is it more peaceful than ordon village. there lives a teen named link who works with the goat ranch, babysits the local children, Beth, Malo, Talo, and Colin (his favorite (shh dont tell anyone)) enjoys fishing, slingshots, and the occasional spar with his friends. life is good and everything is perfect <3

one night, his father figure rusl asks him to deliver a sword to castle town. link agrees, and the next day as he's getting ready the children of the village noticed a monkey and chase after it. link follows, bc he is the resident baby sitter and has to keep the kids safe. he finds the kids being attacked by monsters-- a sign that the peace in hyrule is starting to fade. he goes and does his goat job with his horsie epona and him, colin, and his bestie ilia chill at a spring afterwords. all is well until....... MONSTERS! they attack, kidnap colin and ilia, and when link persues he finds a giant wall of black magic. he is pulled in by a shadow beast, who tries to kill him, only for his hand to glow, beating off the beast with holy power. it's the..... triforce of courage!! link has it!! anways, the world he is in now is covered with a magic called twilight that reduces life forms from the light realm, like link, into shadows of themselves/ghosts/etc. but bc of the triforce, link just turns into a wolf. he's a dirty furry.

link wakes up in a cell in castle town, close to the hyrule castle, and a very mean twilight imp named midna promises to help him escape and free his friends if he helps her in return.

(our beloved furry boy and his mean imp friend)

midna helps link escape and leads him into the castle where he meets princess zelda. zelda explains that hyrule has been invaded by zant, the usurper king of the twilight realm, who promised to let her people live if she surrendered hyrule to him. knowing her army was no match for the twlight one and desperate to protect her people, she surrenders, becoming a prisoner in her own castle forced to watch her kingdom succumb to the twilight magic and its effects.

midna helps link return to the world of light, or the area of hyrule not yet invaded by twilight magic and twilight monsters, and tells him he has to get her a sword and shield so she can start her quest. they go to ordon, link still trapped in wolf form, and go hunting for swords and sheilds. before he can leave, he finds Ordona, the spirit of the ordon region and one of the four light spirits that watch over hyrule. ordona begs him to free the light spirits corrupted by the twilight and says that only he can defeat zant and bring back the light. bc ya know. triforce. link finds and frees faron, a second spirit, and she transforms him back into a human, telling him he holds the spirit of the hero and was chosen by the gods, making him the one most qualified to save the world. lots of people r telling link to save the world. i think he gets the hint guys.

midna tells link that they need the fused shadows, a form of very dark, very dangerous twilight magic, to kill zant. gee, you might ask, midna, why are you helping? you're not very nice, you don't like the light world, you talk abt how much better twilight is-- why are you invested? why do you have zant? what's in it for you? Those are all very good questions but we aren't there yet!

so midna and link go and find the fused shadows. they make a pit stop in kakariko village, and find the kiddos from ordon, including colin! he's safe!! that's one friend found, one to go. link gets a shadow, then goes to castle town in search of clues for the next shadow, and finds ilia instead! wooh!! all our friends are back!! she's got no memory but w/e that gets fixed eventually. link saves the zora and gets another shadow, and in the process meets the spirit lanayru, the final light spirit.

lanayru tells link abt the interlopers, a tribe of shadow people with powerful magic that tried to invade and control the sacred realm. the goddessses sealed them away from the world of light, which became the twilight realm, and took their magic to make the fused shadows. she warns link of how addicting the shadows are, and link and midna finally have what they need.

midna and link set out to find zant, but he finds them first. he steals the shadows (uh oh), critically injures midna ( Uh Oh) and curses link with a shadow crystal that will permanently turn him into a wolf (UH OH). midna is literally dying, and link is panicing. knowing that zelda knows strong light magic, he runs to the castle in hopes the princess can save midna and break the curse. zelda cannot break the curse, even with the triforce of wisdom-- it is too dark, and only the master sword (!!!) which repels all evil will be able to purge the twilight from his body. she then gives up her spirit to midna, saving midna but losing her soul in the process. zelda really just died to save her. honey that's gay.

link and midna find the master sword, saving link and allowing him to transform at will like the furry he is. they need to track zant down for a rematch, but link doesnt know where to go. thankfully, midna does! she tells him of the mirror of twilight, which is used to go between the light realm and the twilight realm, and which zant used to reach hyrule. she him that the power he has been using is diffrent than twilight magic, something she's never seen before. how does she know what twilight magic looks like? how does she know what zant's magic looks like?

midna tells link that is the princess of the twilight realm-- the twilight princess, you could say (name drop!!). she is the rightful holder of the crown of the twilight realm and holds claim to a great amount of hereditary twilight magic, but zant wanted the throne. he thought he deserved it, and was bitter that she gained it instead of him. he cursed her into her imp from with strange new magic he had gotten from his 'master'. ill let you guess who that is. hint: his name starts with a g and ends in orf.

they go to where the mirror is and find it shattered into four pieces by zant. there they also find the ghosts of the ancient sages, who tell minda that zants power is coming from ganondorf. wow who would have guessed!

back in oot, when link told the king what ganondorf was planning and ganon was arrested, he was ordered to be put to death. his execution was carried out by these sages, but what they didn't know was that ganon held the triforce of power. with its magic he broke free and began killing the sages. desperate, they opened the mirror to the twilight realm and shoved ganon in, closing it behind him. for this current link, it has been ages since the hero of time. for ganon, it has been weeks. Now link and midna have bigger fish to fry than zant: they need to get the mirror pieces, get to the twilight realm, and kill ganon.

speaking of oot link! remember how i mentioned no one ever saw him again, alive? that's bc someone saw him while he was dead! through his adventure, this current link was being tutored by the hero's shade, the ghost of a mighty adventurer who teaches him how to fight and be courageous. this shade was oot link! he was appearing to tp link not only bc he was a hero chosen by the gods, but also because he was a descendent of oot link! somewhere during his lifetime post-termina, oot link got it on and centuries later tp link popped out. family reunion w grandpa and great-great-great-great grandson <3

okay back to the adventure plot. link and midna get the shards after a lot of shenanigans, including an entire dungeon based on making soup for a yeti, and they are ready to fight! they go to zant's castle in th twilight realm and midna fuckin explodes him with the fused shadow, then they turn around and go to hyrule castle to kill ganon. there they do not find ganon, but they do find zelda's corpse :D ganon possesses her and they fight. link wins, zelda's alive again, and he beats the shit outta ganon with they help of some light arrows. the world is saved and midna's curse is broken. she returns to the twilight realm and smashes the mirror, keeping any further contact severed.

DOWNFALL TIMELINE

so we remember ocarina of time link, right? cute little ten year old, has a fairy, was horribly traumatized over two adventures, whose life sucked in general?

yeah he's dead. fuckin dead.

the downfall timeline is one of the three timeline splits caused by oot. we just finished the child timeline, and this timeline happens when link fails to kill ganon. after ganon takes the triforce, when link is 17, he kills link in the final battle. the world falls into ruin. the apocalypse occurs. everything sucks and poor link is fucking dead.

having killed link, ganon is able to steal the triforce of courage, and with that and the triforce of power, takes the triforce of wisdom from zelda. he has the entire triforce, making him nearly invincible and holding ultimate, unlimited power. in a final act of desperation, zelda and the six sages seal him in the sacred realm, destroying it in the process. this holy place of dwelling for the gods becomes corrupted, becoming the dark world.

For a moment, there was peace. with ganon gone, the land of hyrule began to rebuild. but it did not last long and the imprisoning wars began. having heard of the triforce's dwelling place in the sacred realm, hundreds flocked to the sacred realm, trying to steal the holy power for themselves. people came in, demons and monsters came out, and no one ever returned. the sages decided to destroy the entrance to the sacred realm instead of just sealing it, cutting hyrule off entirely from the holy triforce, causing increasing ruin to the land. Hyrule was in shambles, impoverished and broken, and many, many years passed with the memory of a prosperous hyrule being left to time.

A Link To The Past

it is raining. storming, actually, pouring in the middle of the night with thunder shaking the earth. link, a young boy (with pink hair <3) is woken from his dreams by a strange voice. It's a girl, around his age, who says her name is princess zelda and that the wizard agahnim had imprisoned her below the castle. He's kidnapped the seven sages, a group of holy women, and now planned to take her too, hoping to break open the doors to the sacred realm and break the seal on ganon so they could rule both the light and dark world's together.

link knew he had to help. despite the late hour, his beloved uncle is putting his cloak on. he tells link that he would be back shortly and to go back to sleep.

link does not go back to sleep. armed with nothing but his wits and a lantern, link found his way to the castle dungeon, stumbling over his dying uncle. the man gives him his sword and shield before passing away. link is completely on his own. he frees the princess and takes her to a holy sanctuary, and goes out to find the pendants of virtue so that he might draw the master sword (!!!) and defeat agahnim. he does so, and rushes to defeat the wizard, only to see he has found zelda. link watches in horror as he sends her to the dark word; link defeats agahnim, but with the last of his strength the wizard sends out a mind-warping curse to convince all of hyrule that it was link who harmed zelda, and throws link into the dark world....

....where he turns into a bunny.

(seriously. that's link the pink bunny)

Link finds a magic mirror that lets him leave the dark world at will to rescue the sages, but can only stay human with the help of his moon pearl. Link finds agahnim was just a vessel for ganon, and the two fight. link wins! yey!! He finds the triforce among ganon's dead corpse (i guess?) and uses it to wish hyrule into prosperity again. he returns it to the royal family, and we go to...

Link's Awakening

post alttp, link has decided he needs a vacation. While sailing, his boat is ripped apart by a hurricane and he wakes up on the beaches of Koholint, a tropical island that's like something out of a dream. link meets Marin, and the two become fast friends. it's implied that it might be a bit more than that, but regardless they are very, very close. marin is a beautiful singer and teaches link all about the island she tells him that she dreams of turning into seagull and flying away to be free from koholint.

link learns the only way to leave koholint is to collect the instruments of the sirens and wake the wind fish, a mystical creature that slept in an egg ontop of the tallest mountain. link does so, but learns that the island and everything in it, including marin, was just the fish's dream, and that by waking it the island will fade away. link wakes the fish and wakes up in his wrecked ship, all alone.

Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons

Link's back! And so is ganon! Twinrova, two witches that raised ganon, decide they want their baby back. For this they need three flames to be lit: The Flame of Destruction, the Flame of Sorrow, and the Flame of Despair, and follow these with a human sacrifice. Fun!! In order to obtain these flames, the witches sent General Onox to Holodrum and Veran, to Labrynna, two countries near hyrule. One day, when Link visited Hyrule Castle, the Triforce beckoned him into its chamber. Remember, link saved the triforce so it's just chillin now. Once he placed his hands on the Triforce, bc i guess he has triforce touching privliges after saving it, it transported him to the distant land of Holodrum. That's a stupid fucking name but w/e.

Upon awakening in Holodrum, Link finds some road side performers and a dancer, Din. Which is suspiciously close to the name of the goddess Din, buuuut nintendo never goes anywhere with that. Link danced with Din, but then a whirlwind appeared and snatched Din away! i feel like we've seen 'important girl being snatched by storm' before but w/e. Din was actually the Oracle of Seasons, which isn't really explained BUT it means that with her gone, the seasons in Holodrum are thrown into chaos. The only way to restore balance to the seasons was to collect the eight Essences of Nature scattered around Holodrum. Link gets the rod of seasons, which manipulates the seasons (obviously) and gets what he needs. He defetes Onox and rescues Din, and then in transported to Labrynna! But uh oh, the Flame of Destruction is still lit.

So link's in labrynna now. He finds impa, and is like 'holy shit! impa! long time no see!' and they team up. they find nayru (more goddess name!?!) and impa turns into a shadow and possesses Nayru. turns out she was an illusion from Veran. Veran uses nayru's time travel abilities to go back in time and influence the queen to build the black tower. Link uese the Harp of Ages to travel back and forth between the present and the past in order to collect the eight Essences of Time and challenge Veran atop the black towner. he kills her, but the Flame of Sorrow had been lit.

In order to light the third and final flame, and also have their human sacrifice, twinrova kidnapped zelda who had arrived in Labrynna. This would complete their dark ritual and light the Flame of Despair. but link beats the shit outta then, and as a last-ditch effort to complete the sacrifice, they give their bodies to ganon. but unfortunatly for them, because the ritual was incomplete, Ganon returned as a mindless beast and not their beloved lil boy. Link beats the shit outta ganon and seals him away (why are we sealing and not killing??), restoring peace to Holodrum and Labrynna

the end!

The Triforce Separates

oh noooo, more triforce problems. @ the gods did you ever consider that maybe the triforce was a bad idea? so after link's adventures in holodrum and labrynna, the triforce is split apart, which it is like 90% of the time at this point. ganon, despite being sealed away, still has the triforce of power. the triforce of courage's location is unknown, but most likely link hid it bc he's sick and tired of triforce shenanigans

A Link Between Worlds

so we are finally, finally dealing w a new time. centuries have passed, the triforce of courage is still missing, and link is sleeping in. he is a blacksmith apprentice, and the son of the blacksmith he works for drags him outta bed. link is told to deliver a sword to the captain of the guard, and finds him in the sanctuary-- dead. the keeper of the sanctuary, Seres, turns out to be a sage (we have a lot of sages in this series okay) and is turned into a painting by the sorcerer Yuga. link gets the shit beat out of him and wakes up in his house. he has been saved by ravio, a merchant who always hides his face and is also a lil shit. he rents link items in exchange for letting him crash on the couch, and also gives him a strange bracelet as thanks.

link goes and tells princess zelda and her friend impa abt seres. she gives link a charm, which turns out to be one of the three he needs to unlock the master sword (!!!!!!!!!). yuga captures the rest of the sages and zelda, turning them to paintings, and when link gets too close to winning, turns him into one too! the bracelet that ravio gave him began to glow and pulled link out of the wall. he can now turn into a painting at will. Link goes to confront yuga in a final battle.

turns out, yuga is from lorule, a parallel universe similar to the dark world. he frees ganon but cannot control him, turning into a beast. the princess of lorule, hilda, holds him back and tells link to save the sages, who have been sent to lorule. in doing so, link awakens the triforce of courage. he returns to confront ganon and learns that hilda was behind it the whole time!! the leaders of her land destroyed their triforce, hoping to stop the wars it caused, but only ended up destroying the kingdom in the process. hilda hoped to steal the hyrulian triforce to replace their own. right before she can attack, ravio appears! he was the hero counterpart of lorule, just like link was to hyrule, but knew he could never beat yuga, instead going to hyrule to find a hero who could, link. he talks hylia down and the day is saved without violence. link and zelda wish on their triforce for lorule's triforce to be restored, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Triforce Heros

Fashion break! This game is silly and cute and I love it.

(they're so fucking cute i cant handle it)

Link leaves the hyrule and books it to hytopia for a vacation. There he is recruited by the witch-hunting brigade to defeat the evil witch lady maud. The witch had cursed princess styla into wearing an irremovable brown jumpsuit. it is very ugly, and in fashion-forward hytopia, that is a fate worse than death.

Link teams up with two other heros, blue and red, that look just like him to gather the pieces of the lady's ensemble. they defeat maud and the witch's younger sister, madame mouture, assembles the outfit, which frees styla. yey!! back to real games

The Golden Era and Era of Decline

*mr incredible voice* can the triforce not cause problems for TEN MINUTES???

following the recovery of the triforce in albw, hyrule enters the Golden Era. For a very long time, the hyrule flourishes.

the triforce is passed down from ruler to ruler, but the last such king, doubting his son's worthiness, hides the triforce of courage and, upon his death, casts a spell on hyrule such that a the triforce will only appear on day on a boy worthy of weilding it. the king tells zelda where it is, then dies.

the unworthy prince ascends to the throne. he only has the triforce of wisdom and power and desperately wants the full thing, so he questions zelda on where courage is. when she refuses to reveal her father's secret, the prince puts her under a spell of eternal sleep.f illed with regret, the new King places the princess on the altar in a far away castle.

the prince governs hyrule to the best of his ability, but without the power of the full triforce the kingdom falls into ruin. the life withers away, monsters become worse, it's a fucking mess. . The triforce of power and the triforce of wisdom continue to be passed down within the royal family. The existence of the triforce of courage is all but forgotten.

The Legend of Zelda (yes, THE legend of zelda. the first ever one <3)

Many, many years later, ganon has been freed. leading an army of monsters, he attacks the hyrulian royal family, led by princess zelda, a descendent of the sleepy time zelda, and takes the trifoce of power. knowing the destruction that will come if he gains more of the triforce, she splits the triforce of wisdom into pieces and scatters them through hyrule. zelda sends her nursemaid impa to find someone with the courage to defeat ganon, but impa is attacked after leaving the castle, only to be saved by a young child: link.

seeing true courage in him, impa tells him of the triforce and asks him to save hyrule, despite him being like. ten. hylia starts them young. Link collects the pieces of the triforce of wisdom from the eight dungons across the hyrule and then confronts ganon in death mountain. with the triforce of wisdom, the magical sword, and silver arrows he defeats ganon, and zelda declares link the hero of hyrule

The Adventure of Link

it's been a few years, and link is now 16. ganon is dead, but his monsters and followers remain. the follows in particular are a problem for link-- if they manage to get a hold of his blood and spill it on ganon's ashes, they can complete a spell that will resurrect ganon. link is on the run. life sucks. on his sixteenth birthday, a glowing golden triangle appears on link's hand (wow i wonder what that could be!?!?!). link goes to impa and zelda in hopes they knew what it is. impa uses him (literally. like sticks his body on the door) to open the chamber where the old zelda has been sleeping all these years. it's been like 100 years, i think??

impa tells link about the breaking of the triforce, the hiding of the triforce of courage, and zelda's curse. she entrusts him with six crystals and an ancient scroll written by the king who had hidden the triforce of courage all those years ago. link learns from reading the scroll that the triangle on his hand is the result of a spell cast by the king, marking him as worthy of the triforce of courage. now he just has to find it. the scroll indicates that the triforce of courage is located in the great palace. which is. a great palace. to enter Link must go to each of the six palaces in Hyrule, defeat the guardian defending it, and set one of the crystals in the heads of each of the statues located in the palaces. Impa gives link the triforces of power and wisdom, and tells him that by uniting the three pieces of the triforce, he can undo the spell cast on the sleeping zelda, and, most importantly, return prosperity to hyrule. a full triforce again willrestore the land.

link does what was told of him and, in a final trial at the great palace, defeats his own shadow, dark link, to obtain the triforce of courage.

link is now the only link ever who has held the full triforce, making him the strongest of the links. link returns to hyrule castle. The three pieces of the triforce unite before the altar and he sleeping zelda awakens. with the connected triforce, peace is returned to hyrule.

(link with the full triforce)

Aaaaand we're done with the downfall timeline! One more timeline left!

ADULT TIMELINE

in the adult timeline, we are once again back to oot. remember how link left the hyrule were he was 17 to return to the beginning of the game to stop ganon? well, that world didn't disappear when link left. it continued to heal and eventually prosper with ganon defeated. but slowly, in the years after oot, ganon had been building his strength. he attacked and the people of hyrule waited in desperation for the hero of time to appear-- but he never did. he was too busy in termina. so ganon took control of the world. the people prayed to the goddesses to save them, and in order to prevent ganon's conquest, the gods flooded hyrule, creating a vast sea, the Great Sea, and destroying everything in the process. hyrule was safe from ganon, but drowned below the waves. the triforce of wisdom was split into two, one piece staying with the king of hyrule, who drowned, and the other with princess zelda who barely escaped, and she passed it down throughout her family line. the triforce of courage vanished, and the kingdom of hyrule was forgotten over time, but the people of the islands of the great sea still remembered the barest of bones of the myths of that hyrule. they gifted their children with green clothes like the hero of time when they turned 12 in hopes it would remind them to be courageous always. and this is where out next story begins......

(art from the prologue of wind waker telling the story of the downfall of hyrule)

Wind Waker

link is having a nap on the watch tower of his island home. it is a special day: his birthday! His 12th birthday in fact! His grandma gifts him green clothes and his little sister, aryll, gives him her precious telescope as a gift. life is good until they see a giant fucking bird in the sky. i mean GIANT. plane giant. it's carrying away a young girl!! and being followed by a pirate ship! the ship manages to hit the bird, the helmaroc king, with a canonball, but that just makes the bird drop the girl somewhere into the forests of the island. Link grabs a sword and takes off for the forest, determined to save her.

the girl's name is tetra, and she's a pirate captain who did not need help, thank you very much!!! she and link start walking back to the mainland but are stopped by aryll on the way. link watches in horror as the helmaroc king snatches up his little sister, thinking she was tetra, and flies away.

link demands the pirates take him to save her, and they laugh in his face, only to get shamed by quill, a rito mailman. girls with goldren hair and long ears have been being kidnapped, and despite not looking like that, aryll was taken-- because the bird got her confused with tetra. so the kidnapping was her fault and the least she could do was help link save her. begrudgingly, tetra agrees and takes link to the forbidden fortress where the bird has taken up shop. link sneaks through the fortress and finds his sister, but before he can free her the bird snatches him up and takes him to its master- GANONDOF!!11! he has freed himself from the watery grave of hyrule and is now searching for the triforce that he might resurrect hyrule and take back the kingdom and the great sea. he orders the bird to throw link into the ocean to drown.

link gets chucked into the open sea, but does not drown! yey!! instead he's saved by a talking boat, the king of red lions.

the boat gives link the wind waker (title shout out!!), a baton (like w an orchestra) that can control the winds, and tells him that he can only defeat ganon with the master sword (!!!!). link needs three goddess pearls to access the tower of the gods, which will test if link is worthy to wield it. the first is din's pearl, which is with the dragon spirit valoo at dragon roost island, the home of the rito. the problem is, valoo has gone off the walls and is destroying everything. the rito prince komali has the peal but is terrified of valoo and refuses to give it to link unless he can prove he is worthy of it. link sets off to calm valoo alongside medli, valoo's attendant. together they stop the monster that has been harassing valoo and link receives the pearl.

next link and boat set off for forest haven, where we meet....... the deku tree!! or a descendent of the deku tree from oot. there we meet the koroks too! they are the descendants of the kokiri, and they are adorable.

the koroks say they will give him the peal after a ceremony they need to perform. but oh no, one of the koroks with an important part is missing! makar has gotten stuck in the forbidden woods and link has to find him. he does, returns him home safely, and gets the pearl.

next is great fish isle where the ocean spirit jabun, but when link + boat arrive the island has been destroyed and jabun is missing. ganon beat them there.

quill tells him that jabun has gone into hiding in a sealed cave near link's home, bc apparently postmen know everything. link learns that the pirates know of jabun's location, and are planning to take the pearl, thinking it was some kind of treasure. tetra buys link some time to get to the island and link manages to bomb his way in where he meets jabun. he gets the last peal and enters the tower of the gods. there he proves his worthiness and gets the master sword (!!!!)

he returns to the forbidden fortress, frees aryll, kills the giant bird, and confronts ganon. But the magic has left the sword, and it cannot defeat ganon. ganon attacks link, bc apparently a grown man is cool w murdering a 12 year old, but is stopped by valoo and tetra, who have come to save the day. Ganon grabs tetra and the triforce of power he holds begins to freak out-- it knows another triforce is close. Tetra is the descendant of princess zelda and holds the triforce of wisdom. valoo sets ganon's hideout on fire before he can hurt tetra and link and tetra flee.

Boat takes the two kids back to the tower of the gods where a portal has opened up to a castle beneath the waves-- hyrule castle. boat appears in the form of a man: he was the king of hyrule who took half of the triforce of wisdom. with tetra and his pieces she transforms into princess zelda (in which her skin is lightened bc nintendo cant get through one game w/o being racist) and told she has to remain below the sea for her own safety.

ganon killed the two sages who had been keeping the master sword powerful, back before the word got flooded. link + boat need to find their reincarnations in order to fix the master sword. thankfully, we've already met them! link gets makar and medli, they remember their past lives, and the master sword is fixed. link gets the hidden pieces of the triforce of courage and is officially ready to beat ganon's ass.

tetra was taken by ganon and link follows after, eventually fighting him with the help of tetra and some light arrows. Ganon assembles the full triforce, stealing wisdom and courage from the kids, and is ready to wish for hyrule to return so he may control it. however, boat is back as a man and gets to the triforce first, wishing that hyrule stay submerged and a new world might emerge from the ocean, promising prosperity for a new generation. ganon flips shit and attacks some 12 year olds. link finally beats him, stabbing him in the head with the master sword. link and tetra are returned to the surface as boat drowns and the world slowly begins anew.

Phantom Hourglass

Link is a pirate now! He's been traveling with tetra and doing fun pirate things. They are now searching for the ghost ship, and when they find it tetra tried to jump into it, only to violently disappear. Link tries to follow but is thrown overboard.

he wakes on an island and is nursed to health by the fairy ciela, who has amnesia, an old man named oshus. they agree to help link find tetra, and they enlist the help of the reluctant sailor linebeck and his ship after saving him from the temple of the ocean king. link discovers to get to the ghost ship they have to find the spirits of courage, wisdom, and power. they use items found in the temple of the ocean king, but things are getting increasingly dangerous. to overcome the evil forces in the temple, link must use the Sands of Hours within the phantom hourglass (name drop!!). however, using the sands slowly drains his life force (AHH) so he must utilize other creatures around the islands to prevent his life force from being drained. with the hourglass, link is able to locate the spirits of wisdom and power easily, but not the spirit of courge. They find out that spirit looks exactly like ciela. oshus explains that ciela is actually the spirit of courage and she lost her memory when the demon bellum attacked her. He also reveals that he is the ocean king. oshus further explains that he and ciela had to take their present forms to hide from the life-eating monster Bellum, who is the cause of the ghost ship and other evil in the local area, and has taken residence at the very depths of the temple. Link succeeds in his attempt to rescue tetra with the help of the three Spirits, but finds tetra is now a statue, a further effect of bellum's life-draining power.

link continues, with linebeck only agreeing after being promised by oshus that he would grant linebeck one wish with his fish god powers. link learns that the only way to defeat Bellum is to forge the phantom sword from three unique, pure metals around the local islands. after collecting the materials and forging the Phantom Sword, link descends to the bottom level of the temple, and initially appears to defeat Bellum. tetra is freed from the statue form and revived, but before the group can celebrate, Bellum reemerges from the ocean depths and takes Tetra again. ughhhh tetra pls. In the ensuing battle of the linebeck's ship and the ghost ship, linebeck's ship is lost, as well as oshus going missing, and link and tetra are captured. linebeck picks up the phantom sword and is able to free the two kids, at the cost of his own freedom, but is able to give link back the Phantom Sword before Bellum possesses Linebeck but link manages to kill bellum without harming linebeck.

the sand from the phantom hourglass is released into the sea. oshus, now in his true form of awhale, grants linebeck his ship back.tetra and link appear on the pirate ship, where it seems only ten minutes have passed for the rest of the crew and they insist that it was all a dream. BUT still possesses the now-empty hourglass, and spies linebeck's ship on the horizon, so we know the adventure is real.

Spirit Tracks

we're in the home stretch yall. the great sea is officially gone with land having risen from the sea over hundreds of years and creating a new continent and the newly established kingdom of new hyrule. this new land has new spirits, the spirits of good, who were responsable for sealing away a demon named malladus into the earth after a vicious war almost ripped new hyrule apart. malladus was shackled into the earth with train tracks called the spirit tracks (name drop!), which cover new hyrule. now we meet link!

link is an enginer, who meets princess zelda, a direct decentent of tetra, to be offically made a royal enginer. she asks him to meet her in private, as she is suspicious of the chancellor cole and trusts link to help her. link and zelda sneak out of the castle and meet up with alfonzo, link's mentor, who helps them steal a train and slip out to safety outside of castle town. However, the tracks disapear as they flee, causing the train to crash. They are stopped by cole and his right hand man, bryne (who i had a crush on as a kid)

bryne easily takes down alfonzo, despite alfonzo being one buff dude, and beats the shit outta link. loosing conciousness, link watches helplessly as bryne rips the soul out of zelda's body and takes the empty body with them. They send out demon trains, which disrupt the structure of the starting point of the spirit tracks, the tower of spirits, destroying the tacks.. cole and bryne leave, and link wakes up in the medical ward of the castle.

link finds that he can see zelda's spirit, but only he can. zelda gives him the spirit flute, a magical pan flute, and then asks link to take her to the tower of spirits to find out why the tracks disappeared. buuut the tracks are gone, so the only way to get to the tower now is by an old tunnel in the back of the castle.

link and zelda get to the tower and they meet an old woman named Anjean who is a lokomo, a guardian of the tracks. anjean says the only way to restore the tracks is with the rail maps, which will give tracks for four of the five temples across the land. but to do so requires power, which they need to get in the tower. the tower was protected by phantoms, giant armored creaters, but with the corruption of the spirit tracks they have been turned hostile. turns out, zelda can possess them, allowing safe passage in the tower.

link and zelda restore the tracks and figure out the last thing that they need to do to prevent malladus from resurrecting is to lock him back under the altar at the top of the spirit tower. link and zelda climb the tower only to find bryne, who they fight and defeat, only for him to escape to the top of the tower. link and zelda follow, only to see malladus' reseurection completed. malladus possesses zelda's body and turns on bryne. cole and malladus escape on the demon train to the dark realm.

anjean tells the kids the final way to destroy malladus. link must go to the fifth temple and obtain the bow of light, which has the power to split the soul of one from their body. link gets the bow and anjean then gives link the lokomo sword. he and zelda get to the dark realm and board the demon train. zelda possesses some phantom armor and uses it to help Link in the next battle. they climb on top of the train to find cole and malladus. link and zelda eventually reach the front of the train and zelda grabs malladus, giving link the opportunity to shoot him with the bow of light.

malladus' spirit leaves from zelda's body, giving her a chance to retrieve it. she cant at first bc she has been separated from her body for so long, and malladus is about to come back and possess zelda's body when byrne shows up and stops him. she finally gets her body back, but byrne bites the dust. malladus takes Cole's body, then turns into a beast, and link and zelda team up against in, and link beats the shit out of him, killing him.

INTERMISSION

im taking this time to talk abt hyrule warriors! it's not canon, so i wont go into detail, but if you wanna know more, you can go here

THE GREAT CALAMITY

10,000 Years Ago

It has been a long, long time since the hero of time. We don't know what timeline the Great Calamity is, but it has been at LEAST 10,000 years. a long time. remember the sheikah? they have become a technologically and magically advanced society with the power to do great, unimaginable things. the hyrulian royal family learns that calamity ganon, a form of ganon so overwhelmed by demise's curse and a lust for power that it has become a creature outside of sentience made of nothing but malice, rage, and hatred, is growing power and will soon attack. they turn to the sheikah, who create an army of robots call guardians to fight alongside the hyrulian army, and four giant machine called divine beasts controlled by champions that are capable of extreme destruction to help destroy ganon. all of this would be led by a chosen hero who carries the master sword (!!!) and a princess born with a holy power. with all of this, the hero and the princess defeated ganon and sealed him away. for 10,000 there was peace. but the royal family was paranoid. they were scared of sheikah power. so they gave the sheikah a choice: give up their tech and way of life, or die. Half gave up their culture and went on to be humble farmers and servants of the family, and half stood their ground. furious, they aligned themselves with the only thing that hated hyrulians as much as they did... ganon. they became the yiga class and went underground, plotting and planning, waiting for the day when ganon would rise again.

Breath of the Wild

your name is link-- or at least you think it is. you wake up in a dark room hooked up to a glowing machine, and a woman's voice tells you your name is link and you have to wake up. you find a few pieces of dirty, rotting clothes and most importantly, a strange piece of tech called a sheikah slate. you find the exit of the cave you've been slumbering in and the woman calls you the light that will save hyrule. your name is link and you have lost your memory and have been asleep for the past one hundred years.

one hundred years ago, there was a princess named zelda. her father, the king, heard from a soothsayer that ganon was gathering power and that the power to destroy it had been buried by time, waiting to be discovered. they unearthed the divine beasts and called for champions to pilot them. vah ruta would be manned by the zora princess, mipha. vah rudania would be manned by the gonon warrior daruk. vah medo would be manned by the famed rito archer revali. and vah natorus would be manned by the gerudo chief, urbosa. link, having pulled the master sword (!!!) proving himself a worthy fighter, was given the role of the hero, leaving zelda to fill the role of the holy princess. the problem? she couldn't access her golden power.

link was assigned as zelda's personal body guard, and she resented him for how easy his life seemed to be, having already drawn the master sword. the resentment turned to hate, mostly stemming from zelda's own self loathing. for some reason, she couldnt harness her power. everyone around her was ready for ganon and she couldn't harness her birthright. eventually, after link saved her life from the yiga, her and link became close, close friends. things were going as well as they could be, until ganon awoke.

ganon was prepared. it remembered how the hylians defeated it the first time and was determined not to fail again. it possessed the guardians, turning them against the army, and then the divine beasts, slaughtering the champions inside. link and zelda were on the run, link gravely injured from protecting her until they were cornered by guardians. there was nowhere to run. Link prepared for his last stand, knowing he was going to die here, only for zelda to push him out of the way, shielding his body with her own. a golden light shown from her-- the golden power.

(link (left) being wounded and shit and zelda (right) being a BADASS)

She destroyed the guardians around them with it, but it was too late. link collapsed, dead. as zelda held him in her arms, the master sword spoke to her, telling her of the shrine of resurrection where she could place him, which would save his life and rob him of his memories. zelda sent soldiers to the shrine with link's body and went to face ganon alone, holding it in place in hyrule castle for 100 years while she waited for link to wake up.

sooo flashback over, link is awake. he goes to kakarko village where he meets impa, who tells him to free the souls of the champions so that they can regain control of the divine beasts. he does so, growing in strength as he does. he finds and draws the master sword, slowly recovering his memories over time. he fights and defeats the yiga, he saves villages and lives and then is ready to defeat ganon. he goes to hyrule castle and beats the shit outta it, and when it flees to hyrule field, follows. it turns into a massive pig, dark beast ganon, and with the bow of light, link defeats it. zelda seals it away with her power and the two are reunited. the end!

THATS ALL FOLKS!

while this isnt absolutely everything, it is most of it! i hope yall enjoyed, i had so much fun putting everything together xoxo

[dj-tak0wasa]

Explain In Detail What Things You Want In Splatoon 3?

ah there's a handful but heres the stuff off the top of my head (i ended up writing a LOT and infodumping abt headcanons and stuff as well so. stuff below cut :3 i also tried to separate them better by giving them titles n stuff cause its all janky)

regions/cities in the story mode

like what's in octo valley/canyon (diff zones; cephalon HQ, slimeskin garrison, etc) but with more worldbuilding and areas. not more levels, really, but things to explore. more levels would be nice, but i think you could do something great with open world and that train system! give me lore about other species and people nintendo please

obligatory "octavio redemption arc please nintendo please im begging"

because i am obviously very attached to him lmao- the framing in that promo art really makes him seem like he's not gonna be a villain but at the very least not hostile and i am so excited to see what is going on there. he also has a camera on his head so mmmaybe he could be playable? (as in like controlling what hes doing but youre still as new agent 4 bc like. camera pov and stuff. its hard to explain but like. hes uhh. um. looking for something. iunno.) or at least youll be able to see what he's going through when he's not with the main group? also i wanna know how marie would react to having to work with him and to see if callie would be excited (cause i like to think she retains her memories from when she was hypnotized so she remembers being friendly w him)

the rest of the dedf1sh tracks in the story mode

ill literally take the rest of the tracks anywhere but i feel like if it made sense anywhere it would be in the story mode. like in the story mode there would be SOME ties to whatever was left behind after the octo expansion (like yeah Potion Of You Are Now Furry exists but are we just not gonna talk about the metro??? the test chambers??? what did the rest of the sanitized octarians do after the thing controlling them was destroyed? reminds me of a story i wrote about dedf1sh and one of my sanitized characters. maybe ill rewrite that.)

agent 8 knows how to speak Inkling!

please nintendo i want to see 8 and 4 so bad. please i want 4 to teach 8 how to talk so they both use really stupid slang and stuff. PLEASE

evil agent 4

look if agent 4 doesnt end up being a "good" character can we at least have her doing something mean. im not even sure what she'd be doing but i want her to be like that one character who's only on the evil side cause she just is a kid who didnt really fit on the good side cause shes absolutely no thoughts head empty (think like. poison mushroom cookie maybe? but instead of being clueless and drowsy shes clueless and VIOLENT)

new callouts

please can we get "look out" or "sorry" buttons :( i wanna be able to tell my teammates to stay safe and apologize when i accidentally kill their friend in a squidparty or fail to defend them

little buddy and that huge ominous salmonid arc??

less of a want and more of a theory, but What The Fuck was that new salmonid. we didnt get a name and on one hand im thinking its just a cool special type boss (like the grillers and goldies) but on the other how the FUCK are we gonna be having fun with little buddy in the story mode while also doing salmon runs outside of that. what the fuck are you going to say, "sorry but im killing these people you used to know for money"?????? like. what. also more salmon run lore!! maybe like. a bit of story mixed into the gameplay so we know things without having to look into the maps n stuff.

a special that protects/heals teammates

listen. maybe even a subweapon that you can drop onto the ground and it heals/buffs nearby teammates but PLEASE nintendo i care about my teammates, im a backlining charger main, i want to help :(

bands. bring them back

*crying, on hands and knees* NEW TRACKS FROM SQUID SQUAD, WET FLOOR, AND AXBY PLEASE i am BEGGING. maybe even give me diss-pair if not squid squad i need warabi and ikkan crumbs

private battles sandbox

let me add hyperbombs and pits where i WANT THEM. let me make maps for my friends to play in. let me set rules (what weapons are allowed, what skills, specials, etc), give me janky team numbers ill make a 5v3, maybe even 7v1 if i want to >:0, also let me chat with them. in ranked/regular matches im fine with no chat but i dont want to get fucked over by discord or the nso app :')

taunts (instead of callouts)

instead of those callouts i mentioned can we get like. a wave or happy little jump. nothing that can be mean (we've already started wars with just flopping up and down or spinning after a kill), just cute little animations. like for a brush you do a sick trick by flipping it or with a splatling you do that happy little victory dance from splatoon one because it is very very cute i miss it

[3am-cheerios]

y'ever just get really emotional about twilight princess at 1am

[oomox]

I posted 3,341 times in 2021

152 posts created (5%)

3189 posts reblogged (95%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 21.0 posts.

I added 532 tags in 2021

#star trek ds9 - 143 posts

#irinachernenko.txt - 67 posts

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#star trek tng - 41 posts

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#princess daisy - 35 posts

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#to learn about queue is frankly provocative - 28 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#isn't there a famous story abt a lighthouse keeper who was also an alcohol smuggler and then he got killed for it and only half his body was

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

like listen I'm a casual mario games player and I dont know the like, deep lore or anything, but daisy is the fucking coolest. how are people gonna be like “oh she’s so useless and boring she’s just a clone of peach” when they LITERALLY changed her entire appearance and personality after her first video game appearance so that she WOULDN’T be a clone of peach anymore?? that one game in which she was a clone of peach came out in 1989, I have never played it, and im certain that most people who hate daisy have also never played it. so it should not be relevant. her appearances in recent games in which she’s shunted to appearing as different peach skins isn’t a comment on her character, that’s a comment on the fact that Nintendo fucking KNOWS daisy is widely hated and they wanna sell games obv so they don’t feature her prominently. as to how their personalities differ, just compare these two descriptions of their characters from the wiki:

Princess Peach is shown to be a sweet, kind, and optimistic person, while also being classy and sociable, with more and more portrayals further displaying her as clever and adventurous. She has a warm heart and often acts unselfishly, putting her friends, loved ones, and citizens ahead of herself, and apologizes excessively for getting into trouble and requiring Mario to rescue her. She even shows concern and compassion towards her enemies frequently; she saves Mimi in Super Paper Mario, despite the girl's constant antagonism of the princess, and in the same game and other games, her pure and noble characteristics are often shown in different ways[...].

(x)

Daisy is portrayed as a tomboy with an extroverted personality and a tough demeanor. She can be described as spunky, energetic, loud, cheerful, and confident. [...] She also has a sassy side, often regarded for her wittiness and attitude. Unlike Peach, Daisy is not as proper or poised as she would be based on her appearance and status as royalty; such as standing with her hands on her hips, exhibiting hotheadedness in defeat, showboating in victory, and showing off to get her way. [...] She likes to go shopping and dine at fine restaurants, but gladly passes up such enjoyments to train instead.

(x) (emphasis mine)

and people will still be like “there’s no reason for her to exist/nintendo should retire her” as if reducing the number of female characters in a video game franchise where they’re already few and far between is a good idea 🙄 so here’s some reasons to stan daisy for clear skin:

one of her main character traits is her sportiness, and it’s so important to see that in a girl character who also doesn’t abandon her femininity. hear me out. daisy often has special fighting abilities that other characters don’t, and is a technical character on sports games. (I started liking her from playing mario kart wii, in which she is literally one of the most powerful and stat-boosted characters.) often when female characters are physically strong (seen as a masculine trait) they’re not allowed to like typically feminine things like dresses, jewellery, and shopping. not daisy. daisy wears dresses and jewellery and loves to shop, but she also wears racing suits and sportswear and is extremely skilled at an incredible number of sports. she’s competitive and ambitious (more traits often seen as masculine) yet still allowed to be flirty and feminine. her whole theme is florals, an extremely feminine symbol, and in some games, she even attacks her enemies with flower petals. that is so fucking dope. that said to me, as an impressionable kid, that you could be strong and competitive and sporty and at the same time be interested in fashion and shopping and flowers. it said to me that I could have both masculine and feminine elements to me, that I didnt have to choose. things are definitely improving in this area lately, but gender roles were and are so narrowly defined and then forced onto kids. look at any toy store and note the extreme differences between “girl toys” and “boy toys” -- they even gender the kinder surprise eggs now for chrissakes. so having a character who loves both traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine things is pretty important, not only for impressionable kids but for adults, most of whom are complex and do like both masculine and feminine things, and want a character to relate to. 

she’s unapologetically confident, which is just so inspiring to see. daisy was doing the radical self-confidence thing way before it became a trend lately. (that's not me dunking on the trend, I love it and hope it endures, im just pointing it out.) her soundbites when she wins are my favourite -- she says things like “yeah, I’m the best!” and “yes, I rule!” which I know some people interpret as arrogant, but sometimes you just gotta hype yourself up, you know? she also has a high opinion of her physical appearance, referring to herself as “the fairest in the land” in one mario party game. again, the impressionable kids point -- they need a character who is self affirming and has a high opinion of herself so they can emulate that. shit, I know a lot of adults who need that too. lots of self esteem issues start in childhood, and having a character who normalizes loving yourself wholly and in different aspects of yourself could help counter that.

she’s also fucking funny. she's assertive. she bitch-slapped bowser into the stratosphere. she’s a legend. princess daisy is everything I want to be and nintendo fans need to get over whatever weird grudge they have against her (probably just misogyny, but thats another essay-length post) so we can get her back in new nintendo games. we need her now more than ever.

47 notes • Posted 2021-02-19 07:26:21 GMT

#4

the world if rtgame made official drift king merch

as someone who regularly destroys their friends in Mario kart I’d wear the fuck outta drift king merch

49 notes • Posted 2021-11-30 16:40:36 GMT

#3

[the ascent]

quark: you’re doing it again

odo: doing what

quark: smacking your lips

odo: what lips

86 notes • Posted 2021-01-04 07:17:55 GMT

#2

yk what? no. fuck you. *beams your lungs directly out of your body*

146 notes • Posted 2021-01-08 06:20:46 GMT

#1

ive never seen first contact but zephram cochrane is gen z, right?

200 notes • Posted 2021-01-02 19:27:52 GMT

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