#im happier this way sure but it doesnt have to be everything i wanted

[oddussy420]

hello hello ☺️ this is about the actress reader x security guard Miguel bit you wrote:

I’m thinking about how they met, how reader was so kind and open with everyone on the first set, talking to everyone including the security guards. Miguel was surprised since all the other actresses never really paid attention to the staff, but you went out of your way to be kind to everyone.

Eventually you realised you needed more practice and like a good friend, Miguel offered to help. He is terrible at running lines but he cooks dinner every time you go over so you can’t complain. Or maybe you should because the scene you’re playing is so romantic and full of tension you’re not sure if Miguel is even trying to act.

When you tell him about the gala he makes sure he’s working that event (not realising you would have asked him to go with you) so you show him your outfit and he matches you. Perhaps he spends the rest of the gala trying to find you, leaving his post and wandering around. Is his carelessness a security breach, or is it finally his chance to tell you how he really feels?

Sending lots of inspiration your way with absolutely no pressure to do anything with it ☺️

This is so cuteeeee. Thank you for the ask

You affect him with everything you do and you dont even know it. He doesnt know how youre so famous but youre still so human. Every interaction with your fans just shows your kindness and hes one of the few people that sees you behind closed doors and he knows how kind you are.

When he first started working around you his first thought was “oh great. Another spoiled selfish egotistical actress who thinks the world revolves around them” he learned from past jobs to not make eye contact or physical contact with any of the elite. In his mind there are two different worlds the rich and famous and everyone else. He thought you were gonna be like everybody else hes ever worked for.

The first event he worked he was assigned to be your personal security guard. He was in the back of the limo sitting across from you, recalling all of his training when you spoke to him. Not any sort of command or request or rules as to how he should act either. A genuine honest to god question. “So whats your name?” I guess that should just go to show how hes treated in his day to day life that such a simple everyday question would break his persona so quickly.

But a part of him thought that it was a fluke and to think nothing of it so he responds with his name. Then you ask another question than another question then another until you are both having a decent conversation. I mean he cant believe it THE A list y/n l/n known for the worlds most critically acclaimed movies and tv shows is chatting to him.

You constantly remind him to not call you by your first and last name. Even a nickname would be acceptable. He would do anything for you. Big or small. Whether it be carrying your purse or giving you a piggyback ride bc you broke your heel. He is happy to do it. He was even happier when you hired him as your exclusive and sole bodyguard. He was gonna ask you anyway but was afraid youd say no.

Thats all i got for tonight. Lmk if you want anymore parts or even if you enjoyed this one. I love hearing from people!! You guys are never a burden and i will always make time for yall <3 sorry for getting sappy im just emotional and probably pmsing rn anyway byeeee 😘😘

[campbyler]

our chapters average at 27,000 words, the total fic length is already 3x the average novel length, and we lost one of the authors working on this fic. it must be so nice to only have to endure the wait for a chapter to be uploaded so that you can interact with it rather than being the one to actually write it.

im going to be cruel (no pun intended) to be kind: this is such an intense externalisation of blame. you are the ones in control of the fic length; the chapters could handle some heavy editing and it wouldnt make them any less wonderful (such as regarding the descriptions of mike and will's internal thoughts, not the action between the characters themselves). fic is free and its a gift to be able to read works that inspire our hearts and minds while we wait for the show, but then again, when at the stern of a juggernaut work such as this, one that will inevitably have many followers chomping at the bit on tumblr as well as ao3 (as you designed it to have!), you surely must be aware of something that only usually exists in professional marketing spaces involving customers + brand IP: the relationship between consumer and creator, and what they can give each other.

not 'owe each other' - nothing is owed, except perhaps basic human kindness. fans want your work, and its free, so we should be grateful; likewise, you want readers, feedback and clicks, and that should be free, too. but in order for this to work smoothly, there has to be fair give and take. i mean, if you wanted to monetize the fic i'm sure many people would pay to read it, but thats beside the point here.

what fans of this fic simply want is the same honesty and self-awareness from you that they might expect from any artist who has embarked on such am ambitious project. and this doesnt just mean transparency about potential uploading dates (which is already much appreciated by the majority!), or notifications about how hard it is to balance work and life (something most people on the planet struggle with). it means total honesty and hard answers. people like to know where they stand. plenty of writers (both professional and fan alike) abandon works for months, years at a time, and if the work is THAT good, people will always be thrilled to see a return. it's the mucking people about that is what destroys relationships - no matter how good your reasons are.

your fic is wonderful and very, very memorable. you could take a big, undefined hiatus and people would, im sure, return, including me. seeing you admit that you have been prioritizing this fic over your mental health does not inspire confidence either, or even comfort - do i want to read something that has caused the creator such harm?

i think everything about this process would be happier for everyone if you set boundaries that work for you and didn't place blame elsewhere. after all, as you said, it's just a fanfic. it doesnt matter if you don't finish it. it doesnt matter if it takes all the way to s5 for 10.2 to release. everyone would, though, appreciate you taking a stance and being consistent (and therefore fair) to both yourselves and the readers.

please feel free to not post this publicly or do as you wish with it.

hello! thank you for your feedback and for sharing it in a way that is both kind and respectful. you make many valid points that i agree with -- we are in control of the word counts and could stand to edit down more, and we do recognize where being transparent about the reasons behind the chapter delays might not inspire confidence or comfort. i do, however, think that isolating one response/chain of responses to a particular ask is a little unfair, so i'd like to provide additional context.

i do not think that it's fair to say that we haven't been honest, self-aware, or fair, because we have been incredibly transparent throughout the entire run of the fic (over a year) about our writing process. just last month suni said she hadn't been working on 10.2 at all because abby had been visiting her house, and readily took ownership of that fact. there was a 4-month wait between chapters 9.1 and 9.2, and i was very open about the fact that i simply needed a break for at least the first of those months because i didn't want to write it. we have continued to maintain several times that we are not abandoning the fic, even if it takes longer between chapters, and have tried to stay as active as possible on the blog because we know that seeing us interact with asks Does inspire confidence. if you just scroll down and see how we have answered other asks inquiring about the upload, we responded kindly and respectfully.

what you interpreted as externalization of blame in that one (1!) ask response was me trying to provide perspective to someone who clearly lacked it. we understand that people will be frustrated about chapter delays, especially if we keep pushing them back, and this is also something that we have received feedback about before and tried to implement; however, it is also a double-edged sword where if we don't give an estimated upload, people get upset, or we give an estimated upload that we think is completely reasonable for us to achieve and then hurdles get in the way, whether it's writer's block or work or time with friends. i absolutely get the frustration on the receiving end, but something i have learned from being in this fandom for two years is that a pretty big majority of those who are interacting with fanworks are not creating it themselves, hence why my response -- while snippy and annoyed, because i was matching the energy, and will not apologize for that -- was contextualizing the whys behind the chapter delay: the chapters are long, the fic is long, we are down one entire body from where we started. the intention was not to shuck blame off of ourselves, but i get that intentions don't always translate into effect, so it's understandable that it was received differently.

we don't always respond to things perfectly. when we have a million and one asks inquiring about the next upload, one stray one that comes off the wrong way is likely going to set us off, because we are people, and this is not a job. we have set a boundary by disabling anon, and again, i cannot stress enough how much i appreciate that you've come to us with this feedback off-anon and with respect and decency. i get where you are coming from and again, agree with a lot of your points.

the only other thing i want to make clear is that this fic, no matter how much attention its garnered, should not be treated as a creator/consumer relationship that mirrors anything where the exchange of money is involved. not only is it unfair to apply this standard to fanworks, where it is illegal to monetize such content, but the entire purpose of fanworks is to celebrate what you are a fan of together. when you apply expectations on either end -- i am a fan of this work, therefore, people should create timely content for it; i am creating this fanwork, therefore, people should interact with it -- defeats the entire nature of fan-created work as a whole. while we have continued to be vocally grateful for the love and support our fic has been shown, we both maintain that we would continue writing and continue uploading even if we were getting less than half of the amount of interaction that we do. it's nice to have interaction, but not necessary, because we what write and post is done because we love it, and it's shared so that we can look back on it, so our friends can enjoy it, and anyone else who might want to. we are, of course, excited to share that world with anyone who cares -- we created the blog and the promo because we wanted to share it -- but that does not mean that the relationship between us and our readers should have expectations. we are all creating and enjoying this work for free for the sake of love for the characters, as the star trek obsessed housewives of the 60s (and the law) have intended.

i feel like this response is a bit jumbled so i apologize if anything isn't clear or hard to understand. thank you again for your time!

[whole-circus]

I was wondering what your take on how the creepies would react to a Verosika Mayday reader? I wonder how they would react \ (^⁠ω⁠^)/

PS: drink lots of water, take care of yourself and sleep well <333333

You feed us simps well :D

Creepypastas with Verosika Mayday reader!

➥ Jeff the Killer, Ben Drowned , Nina the Killer, Eyeless Jack

Muahaha im so glad to feed you guys!! I havent watch hazbin hotel or helluva boss so i hope its at least ok!! gosh you has waited so long im so sorry, and its short and shitty T^T Again im sorry!! !!<3 As always - feel free to want even more characters :)) And once more - im so sorry!!

˚ 　. 　 ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚　　 .　　˚

Jeff the killer

He would match your energy i guess? Not like he is your clone or something, but you two can and will get along (just give it some time). Jeff is a mean and teasing person so he totally gets you, he is the first one to bully someone or manipulate them in order to get what he wants. He also have some sort of god complex, he is the best and always right (well yeah sure no cap), so it may be something that you dont like. I believe you two would constantly fight over everything Also congrats, you got yourself a drinking buddy!! Loves that you are so..confident..in yourself?? He kinda likes a bit slutty people (and i mean it in a good way i swear), that have tendency to flirt and show their body? And they have even bigger sex drive? Is that suprising? Maybe not really, but Jeff is often horny!

Ben Drowned

Yeah, Ben would be blushy and all submissive becasue of your personality and the way you live your life! Like okay, it can be a lot but not necesserly in the bad way. I feel like he would also flirt back, he is head over heels when he sees you and its just so hard for him not to simp for you... Ben doesnt have many braincless yet they are all horny. You dont even have to manipulate him, he would do literally anything for you - he is on his knees barking and meowing. Ben has huge sex drive anyway, so its not like he will complain. Isnt bothered by drinking alcohol or other drugs, Ben is pretty cool to do all that with him. You being you is perfect for Ben, could he even been happier? This boy is great for both - having fun or talking shit about others.

Nina the killer

Okay, its not too complicated - you would absolutely get a long with Nina!! Like she is just walking energetic ray of sunshine?? You can be annoyed by that, but there are many similar aspects when it comes to your personality - even tho its not always shown in the same way. Nina of course has her vulgar side, I mean, she is a killer after all..?? And a huge gosspier, she just loves causing chaos!! I also feel like Nina would be your fangirl, loves having popular partner and loves that they are all to her! Nina is such a huge flirt too, she is very confident of her way of being and her body. She doesnt say no to a party too, so you wont be bored with her.

Eyeless Jack

Jack would be actually the one to try stop you from drinking? And the one who would be pretty concern with your way of life? Dont get me wrong, he does like you but come on.. its not like your life style is healthy and perfectly normal, but who is he to judge? Whatever makes you happy! Propably one of not so many things that makes you both similar is being demon kind of stuff? I cant think of other things to be honest, well okay, maybe not including his sex drive not from this earth. But no worries, guess what - opposites attract! But on the other hand he kinda gets it? You are cool and powerful so its not like you should be good and innocent, just have something from you life!

˚ 　. 　 ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚　　 .　　˚

[hackauthorairplane]

MY GOOD LADY I BELIEVE YOU’VE GRADUATED WHERE IS THE SHENCEST IDEA!!!!

PLEASE!!!!!

LMAO im just gonna write out my idea bc its too early along to be anywhere near a fleshed out fic:

so first i started with the idea: what if shen yuan transmigrated in way earlier and becomes a qing jing disciple at the same time as shen jiu, and becomes friends with him! He manages to make shen jiu's reputation a LOT better bc shen jiu is a lot calmer/happier, and they are in an happy, established relationship by the time luo binghe would enter the sect.

However, right before the disciple-picking day that lbh would be at (i dont remember the event name tbh), shen yuan is drowning in anxiety. yeah, he knows shen jiu is a different person than he was in pidw, significantly happier/at ease/healthier, but all the same he really really needs shen jiu not to gain the attention of lbh, or vice versa

the plan he comes up with: he will just suck and fuck shen jiu so often, so relentlessly, in so many different ways, that shen jiu will be too busy/tired to focus in any way on shen jiu, and then lbh will get no negative attention!!

but then i had a brain blast. what if it was shencest.

so shen yuan and shen jiu are brothers that went through everything and joined the peak together, and theyre attached at the hip. they love each other very much and having shen yuan around, a loving presence that will never leave him, has made shen jiu's reputation and personality much better!

Theyre pretty codependent, and if you really really get to know them you might realize that theyre kind of weird about each other. they get jealous of the others attention and hate the idea of the other having a romantic partner that could be more important to their sibling than them.

shen yuan loves his brother so, so much (too much), shen jiu is really loving and caring to him, and shen yuan considers him the toughest, best, and most handsome person in the sect. shen yuan can kind of tell that his feelings for his brother are...different than the feelings he had for his original siblings, but he is avoiding that as best he can.

with luo binghe-disciple-time fast approaching, shen yuan is starting to get nervous. How can he make sure that shen jiu doesnt focus on luo binghe? shen yuan's plan comes from his complicated feelings for his brother and the fact he very sleep deprived. for the last year, hes been having nightmares about shen jiu being tortured (and being castrated).

finally, the day before the disciple selection, he jumps his brother. he confesses his non-brotherly feelings for him and kisses him. and then sucks his dick and on and on

the next day, shen jiu just barely makes it to the disciple selection, limping slightly. nyy goes and picks a shidi without being asked bc sj is too out of it, and then when its tea pouring time he has to be nudged into drinking the tea bc the only thoughts running through his mind is "...my brother...my own brother..."

yeah so the rest of the fic is shen jiu going along with whatever deprived shit shen yuan wants. at first he tells himself its bc shen yuan is experimenting and he doesnt want to reject him or hurt his feelings, but as things go on, they both are enthusiastic participants

lqg doesnt die, partly bc sj's cultivation is better with a lack of heart demons (and also bc shen yuan gave shen jiu a lingering kiss on the neck before he entered the cave and shen jiu is running on very competent auto-pilot)

lbh doesnt get pushed, everything turns out ok, and no one finds out about the shencest bc theyve always been super sticky with each other

yeah. that was my idea! idk if ill ever write it a full fic ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[clivedovelover]

Very politely but sorry i was referring to ur oc aus i saw on the other blog 😭😭😭

IM FINALLY ANSWERing THIS ONE BECAUSE I REALIZED I CaNT ACTUALLY do A COOL THING FOR EVERY AU

Hello sorry i think 4 months passed since this ask was sent i'm kissing you on the forehead anon i'm sorry

Okay so there are 3 AU's or so, i'm still thinking of doing more in relation of these main 3 but i don't know!!

Folie a Deux

I don't have this one super elaborated. I just wanted an AU where Valentine beats the shit out of Clive daily

Basically is an AU where pretty much everything stays the same at first (clive blowing up london, Valentine's mom dying) but in relation of both characters they are more morally dubious, Clive goes to prison but he manages to made it appear as if he killed himself there, and then he runs away with another identity to avoid his sentence.

Valentine thinks, in this AU too, about how clive freed him from his mother and, in some percentage, they both were meant to meet. He doenst feel guilty about these thoughts (not like the original who does feel bad about thinking like that). He also doesn't believe the news about this guy killing himself in prison, he feels so upset about it and takes it as a personal attack, Valentine decides to start investigating about that, mostly because he got a fixation with Clive after the destroying of the city.

One way ir another he finds out that Clive is alive, in an almost empty town. As a said before both of them are more morally dubious SO yknow lol. Valentine's mom is dead and Graciella isn't being really helpful, he doesn't have friends or anyone who is close to him so what he has to loss?

Valentine kidnaps Clive on his own place, knowing no one would look up for him and does shitty stuff to him from time to time, but mostly just keeps him at his mercy. Clive develops Stockholm syndrome

Puppy Love

I guess the name is self explanatory, kind of.

Valentine is 14 and Clive is 17, valentine moves to London way earlier in his life. Graciella is a teen here too with the same age as Clive, they are classmates.

I did this one because i wanted something more light hearted and also because i wanted Renata (Valentine's mom) to interact with Clive in some way.

Valentine is still a lonely kid but at least has Graciella as his friend since is the only other argentinian person on his school.

Graciella doesn't like Clive and Clive doesn't mind her, they just team up when it's needed because it's easier to work with the other.

Valentine has a crush with Clive, and it's silly. He's also 14 because i was that age when i found out about Clive and Professor Layton games hehdhehhe

Im not sure how i want for this one to end, but since it's an AU i can give Clive a happier ending? Maybe

Elope

Again, i'm sooooo creative with the names

It's the same as the original story but it ends different, Clive doesnt kill himself and accepts to run away with Valentine, again lying about his own death. Valentine just leaves a letter for Graciella and she doesn't make the report to the police

They run away to the same town as the Folie a Deux AU and have a pretty calm and nice life, they change their names and formalize a relationship after some time.

Valentine becomes an art and theater teacher for the people of the town and Clive takes care of the house most of the time (for safety reasons mainly)

[pink-sugar]

🌻🌲🐸 !! for tha ask game :]

putting my answers under a read more since i rambled a lot sfjahfj

🌻 ˳ have you ever had your work stolen / reposted ?

yes, unfortunately! its only happened a couple times, and i watermark most of my stuff so that it hopefully never happens again, but its not fun! im not one to get very mad or upset abt stuff like this, but it is demotivating :/

🌲 ˳ what’s your top advice for new editors ?

UMM 3 THINGS!!

1. have fun with it NO MATTER WHAT. that needs to be your top priority. if you are not having fun then stop what youre doing RIGHT NOW and go edit something thats more fun for you.

2. dont be afraid to take insp from other editors!! obviously dont directly copy anything or steal, but let yourself be inspired by the things other people make and find a way to incorporate elements of stuff you like into your own work. it'll make your edits better i prommy (and if you do take heavy insp for something, @ the editor whos work inspired you! im sure it'll make their day!!)

3. notes and followers mean nothing, do not let it dictate your worth as an editor. sometimes a post blows up and you get a bajillion notes. sometimes you make an edit youre really proud of and it doesnt get any. it can be demotivating to get little to no interaction, and its enticing to want lots of notes and followers, but i find that the best route to take is to just ignore them completely. take satisfaction in your own artistic skill, not in how many notes you get. it'll make you happier in the long run

🐸 ˳ @ your favorite editblr blog !

AAA i have so many favorites i cant pick just one... but a few are:

@strawberrysnipes - i could talk about his edits for a million years theyre so yummy. i will forever be in awe of feenies colors

@djbunni - I LOVE DIANAS RECOLORS!!! everything she makes is so so cute

@hiddencircus - radio always makes such cool stuff im convinced they sold their soul to get that much talent

@rookmeo - one of da coolest guys in editblr, makes banger edits, i like the way he colors things :]

[wanderrlust0]

:s

im home now and im glad me and him got high today bc i dont think i wouldve been able to be okay emotionally and pretend like everythings good. i just read my last journal post and i just started crying. like i gave him till the very last minute to say i love you to me and he didnt so i whispered it as i got ready to get out of the car and he then whispered it back. like, he wasnt gonna say it if i hadnt said it. he just said it bc i said it but i can tell it was like empty words like wtf i feel like he doesnt really love me anymore rn and ive done absolutely nothing wrong like its unfair and im tired of it. he hasnt been himself since tuesday. first he wasnt himself when i saw him sunday. then i forced him to talk about it a little. then he was good monday, saying good morning, goodnight, using :3 a lot. then tuesday he just went back to the dryness and sounding uninterested. stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning to me. its now thursday (technically) we hung out. i texted in caps goodmorning bc he again just started saying stuff. i feel like he was only okay today bc he was high. he was touching me a lot but mostly my ass bc i wore a skirt. i didnt mind it ofc but i did sorta feel like he was mostly touching me in a sexual way and less romantic way. he is so fixated on my friend who he doesnt like and thinks id cheat with. bunny stop being insecure..honestly. i feel like its def that and his inability to fully trust me is what the main problem is. like he was barely loving meD: i can tellll when he genuinely does bc he shows it but today and these past few days just felt so casual and not full of effort. like why the fuck am i really crying right now like idk how im feeling bc im like ofc hurt and im confused and tired and annoyed and upset and sad and it feels less fun. i always end up doing most of the talking when hes like this bc itll make me so uncomfortable to sit in silence. like theres a good silence and a weird silence. i used the bathroom and left my phone on the table. ik he most likely scrolled thru my notifications. like im sure he def did. he was standing right there. even tho it was locked and he cant see the details of the notifs ik i have nothing to hide. the thing is how long is it gonna take for him to have some faith in me and stop doubting me and treating me like im a copy of everyones past mistakes. i think now im really actually not gonna act like things dont affect me and show more dryness or annoyance or distance. whatever i feel towards him ill reciprocate or stop pretending like its nothing. he didnt answer my text where i sent him a video that i thought was cute and funny and i wanted him to see it too. no acknowledgement from that. he hasnt sent me an ig reel in days. he stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning. he did now. the edible made him happier today and same with me. we drank and it made us both sleepy. idk what hes feeling towards me. he doesnt really share everything bc he thinks that it doesnt make a diff if we talk about it or not bc he feels like nothing will change and its pointless. i obviously disagree and i feel like we def have to talk, whether itll make a diff or not. it will do something. itll help us understand each other more. itll help us see things in a diff perspective. itll help us clear the air and get rid of the elephant thats lowkey in the room. i wish he wasnt so insecure in times like these. i wish he was more confident with himself. i wish he would really just love me unconditionally and not question our love. i wish i didnt have to tiptoe around the topic of my friend. i wish hed pay attention to whats in front of him and realize how great we can be. hes like a part of me now and i cant see myself without him and i desperatelyy wish hed just understand thatD; im trying and doing my best. i love him to pieces, but if i feel that hes losing interest, it makes me lose interest and i emotionally feel less of a connection to who he is. its like i love him and want him close by but his energy isnt the same person and i miss him againnn. hes back to caring less

[its-no-biggie]

Have you looked into QPRs/Queerplatonic Relationships? It’s kind of like that!!!!!

yes i know all about them! i actually have a lot of thoughts about this so strap in bc we're in for a long one.

for me personally, i dont think its really necessary to distinguish a platonic relationship where you live together or do other "marriage things" from any other kind of friendship. some friendships are closer or last longer than others and thats fine, so i just dont see why i would need a different word for it? like, every description of a qpr ive seen is different from a regular platonic relationship in up to 2 ways: 1. its "deeper" or "more meaningful" than regular friendships (implies that friendships cannot be as deep or meaningful as a marriage, which i reject) and 2. you do things together that regular friends dont do (but who says we cant do those with all of our friends? why can you only break these rules with one special person? when does it go from a slightly unconventional friendship to a qpr? idk doesnt really make sense to me). im sure those distinctions matter to some people, but i just dont really find them useful

and the deeper issue here is that society has drilled into us that we need to have one person that is The Most Important, that we rely on to fulfill all of our relationship needs. this is the concept of "amatonormativity": the idea that everyone needs to settle down with someone into a traditional monogamous relationship, and that no other relationship is as important or fulfilling as that one. and i just dont subscribe to that kind of hierarchy (for me personally! obviously not telling anyone how to live their life. your relationship boundaries and labels are your business). like im already throwing out the idea of a traditional marriage by not wanting a sexual relationship, so may as well throw out everything else i dont like while im at it. i dont think the person youre having sex with has to be the person youre closest with in the world, i dont think the person you share finances with has to be the person you primarily rely on emotionally, i think physical and emotional intimacy should not be reserved for sexual relationships, and i think every relationship fulfills a different role and combining them all into one Ultimate Most Important Relationship- FOR LIFE- isnt always a good idea. whether its a marriage or a qpr or whatever else.

and honestly i think the main reason this viewpoint is so uncommon (well, aside from the fact that most people dont really examine what theyre taught about marriage and monogamy and the way things "should" be) is because of jealousy. i totally understand the desire to be The Most Important Person in someone elses life, to feel wanted and needed by someone that you love. and finding out that someone youre very close to also relies on someone else definitely stings a bit! but just because something makes you a little upset doesnt mean that its actually bad. i think everyone should have lots of people to rely on outside of their partner, and people they trust just as much or more than their partner, and i think we would all be a lot healthier and happier if we accepted that and got rid of the traditional hierarchy of "everyone must come second to your spouse, because your spouse should fulfill all of your relationship needs, and if they dont then theyre a bad spouse"

like. sometimes people who are very good for each other are not compatible sexually. why shouldnt they fulfill those needs elsewhere? (IF theyre both okay with it. im not condoning cheating, im talking about unconventional relationship boundaries that are mutually agreed upon.) sometimes people who love each other do not agree on how a household should be run. why should they move in together just because their relationship has reached a certain stage? why should someones long-term friendships suddenly become less important to them once they get into a romantic relationship?? all these rules are made up! i reject them all! relationship anarchy!!

and just to be clear- im not saying that traditional monogamous relationships are bad. if you want those kinds of relationship boundaries, where one person is the most important to you and your relationship is very exclusive, more power to you! but that isnt the only option, and its frustrating how much our society devalues friendship in favour of marriage. i mean, even people who dont want a romantic relationship needed to define something thats MORE than "just friends". because friends dont get married. friends dont sleep together. friends dont raise children together. those things go beyond "just friends". but i say screw that! friends can do whatever they want together! i love my friends a lot and i refuse to be confined by what friends are and arent "supposed" to do together. and its a shame that you really only see these kinds of unconventional relationship dynamics in the polyamorous and aro/ace communities. everyone should question what they know about relationships and how theyre supposed to function, and decide for themselves what kind of boundaries work for their specific relationships. at least thats what i think

[tokimekiinversion]

gonna do this yumejoshi twitter thread! (not all of them but some of them) (actually wait nevermind i just did all of them)

1. briefly introduce your yume ship! is it romantic, platonic, familial, or something else?

mmm we are so in love it is doki doki love romantic kiss kiss mwah

2. how did you and your comfort character(s) meet?

i watched monogatari!

3. what is the dynamic between you and your comfort character(s)?

they tease me and mess with me a lot and say funny things and i laugh bc they are funny. we do... physical affection i give them kisses all the time. they are also a little mean... and try to get me to fall down a dark path. but its not that serious and probably doesnt work anyway since i just dont do things i dont want to. also, to some extent, this video. im the one on the right. and it would be more like, ougi is reading a book and smiling but yeah.

4. how would you and your comfort character(s) describe each other?

me describe ougi: the best. amazing. wonderful. brilliant. wise. super cool. love of my life. beautiful. adorable. impish. rude. fun. funny. beloved. hot 😳. sinister. scary. creepy. (<- good things) and more!

ougi describe me: cute. foolish. teasable. admirable. bubbly. considerate. thoughtful. kind. pleasant. easy. boobs

5. who is better at cooking?

neither of us are ace chefs but ougi is more swift when following recipes. so i would ask them to make food and then they make it bad on purpose to force me to get faster and better at cooking. grrrr...... annoying 💢......... but i wouldnt mind that much because i'd get to COOK FOR THEM YAAAAAAAAY NOURSHING OUGI and it would probably make me a better more confident cook too

6. who is better at organizing?

ougi. this has no footnotes

7. who is more athletic?

also ougi. they ride that bicycle. i do nothing....

8. who tends to lose track of time more?

probably me more, but i bet ougi would get lost in a good book (prolly mystery novel) and sit up to stretch and its 4 hours later

9. who gets tired faster?

probably also me with my lack of good physical practice.... ugwah.... ougi should take care of me when im tired........... wah....................

10. who gets more excited about special occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc)?

easily me. although i would get more excited for events for them than mine. they wouldnt really get excited for either. but they would make sure to celebrate my birthday and stuff of course.

its like this:

i am the one who makes their birthday and such a special occasion... because i refuse to let it not be!!!!!!!!!!!! because they are the best and deserve nice things and should be celebrated😌

11. who is better at planning surprises/keeping secrets?

this is also ougi. have you seen that poker face?

also id be good at keeping secrets normally but they would just know anyway and make me tell them. also also if we were playing a prank together i would be the one trying not to crack up like 95% of the time. and the other 5% is we're both trying not to

12. what is something about you that your comfort character(s) don’t know?

mm... not much! probably random details and anecdotes. basically, whatever they don't ask about, or anything not important

13. what is something about you that ONLY your comfort character(s) know?

well if i said it would defeat the point! tryna get me to spill my secrets...

14. what are three ways in which you have changed since meeting your comfort character(s)?

im smarter and happier and much cooler

15. what are three ways in which your comfort character(s) have changed since meeting you?

HOPEFULLY, if they are not being an OBSTINATE LITTLE SHIT some of my love for them will have rubbed off and they like themself more now :) they are also happier, because obviously i don't make them anything but happy 😌✨ also they'd get even more insufferable. i can't not spoil them 😭

16. what is your favourite thing about your comfort character(s)?

everything! well, there's parts i like more. and they shouldnt be so hard on themself but. everything!

17. what is your comfort character(s)’s favourite thing about you?

they'd say boobs to mess with me >:( but it's not true 😇 they like my excitability and my kindness

18. what is your favourite moment featuring your comfort character(s) in the media they come from?

GWEH.

the gweh is just.... its just..... its everytihng

19. do you have alternate universes of your yume ship? tell us more about them!

welll...... unless u count me in naoetsu as au then no...................

20. what nicknames do you and your comfort character(s) have for each other?

oho?

i actually was tryna think up nicknames for ougi once but its hard bc their name is short already. i just kinda call em whatever comes to mind. they can be ougi, they can be my beloved, they can be my precious little thing, they can be the oug. the ouger, even. its what it is

ougi doesnt have nicknames for me they just call me by my name tho.

21. if you had to describe your yume ship with one song, which song would it be?

gwah theres a few of these.... hmmmmm.......

invisible touch is too perfect to not include

the bird and the bee - my love

mad head love - kenshi yonezu

and ill even put...

mitski first love late spring

arms tonite mother mother

some of it is describing the relationship more in general and some of its more about my feelings..... well thats okay too

22. where do you want to be with your comfort character(s) in three years?

🥺

i want us to be happily married and in love........ and i want to have raised my devotion levels and number of tributes 😌✨

23. if there was a book written about you and your comfort character(s), what would the title be?

going by the series' usual naming convention......... sakumonogatari (錯物語).

[ginnsbaker]

Part 3 oh boy

my wife, you think possessively to yourself - oh buddy if only you knew

How can she be acting like this after everything shes done

something she has only ever experienced with you - sureeeeee

She never wants to be anything else other than yours once more - a little late dont you think

Oh my god how have you got me literally president of the wanda protection squad turned against her and im less than 1k words in ik this is just gonna get worse

“I... I want you,” - bet you do and totally not a student right

HE DOESNT REGRET IT BUT HE WANTED HER TO BE PREGNANT WHAT A SICK BASTARD I WANT TO WRING HIS STUPID NECK

Oh my god how far would he have taken that? That makes me so feel so sick

Its very little comfort to know that wanda asked if vision was okay not because she cared but cause she wanted to know her secret was safe something that was sad in the other one but for once happier in this version (not much as been more positive in wanda’s account so small victories)

OH NOW IM MAD AT BRUCE COS WE ALL KNOW I LOVE NAT WTF

Okay I finished it. Reading wandas pov was so much worse maybe cos it actually contained info on the affair but it just made me feel physically sick and angry towards wanda in a way i never felt through the whole series and i am amazed you’ve managed to envoke such strong reactions from me. Reading it made me feel like wanda did not deserve the second chance she got which is strange for me to say as someone who so strongly advocated for a wanda endgame im gonna have to read the whole thing again and a whole lot of fluffy wanda stuff now to make up for this 😭

But it was amazing a story has to be well written to cause such visceral reactions and you’ve done that here (even tho im in pain and not sure how i will ever forgive you for turning me against wanda or how i will ever go back to her side)

-🧃

whew, your comments were a rollercoaster ride. Amazing. Thank you for taking the time to write them down lol

I get what you're saying. I really do. Which is why R was smart for not watching Vision's secret recording of the affair. She'd probably lose it. But this wanda is the same wanda from ilgoss, and the difference is the details. And i guess the details really are a huge factor in forgiveness.

[jinkicake]

Today is the day🙂( well in like an hour and 45 mins) i see they posted his birthday art and he’s so precious🥹 like he’s funny af too “ i don’t really care about birthdays but if you’re gunna bother me all day🙄 you can stay” bitch do you want the present or not😒 making up at sunrise to tell him he looks very nice in blue, like im making his outfit rn and i forgot he had his shoulders out!! Like its a body suit w the ARMS CUT OFF. He really said if imma have a rebrand im gunna be the sluttiest character here😭 clearly took insp. from kaeya to have his chest out like that🙄like i want to kiss the lil electro mark on the back of his neck. About to shower this little bastard is so much love and affection😈 going to suck his dick bc side by side his blue outfit does look nicer; i saw a thing saying he probably doesn’t need to breathe so he just makes moaning noise for fun😭😭 the thought of him being a slut bc “this is fun” is HILARIOUS since he’s just along for the ride so we can go to the most secluded spot in mondstat-bc i would celebrate my birthday there first for sure- and and ride him until he’s crying😊 just whispering how proud i am of him and how pretty he is. Now then for ANNOYING SCARAMOUCHE i would sleep in too much effort bc he’s gunna wake me up ANYWAY like as soon as his eyes crack open he is planning how to be annoying for a full 24 hours bc tomorrow is a wrap. DEFINITELY they type to me like “it’s my birthday you’re not gunna let me do what i want🥺(😈)” when he keeps getting handsy all day. You’re out on a romantic date? His hand is stuffed in your pants and he literally could care less, its you who’s trying to make sure nobody notices. Strolls into inazuma like he owns the place🙄 just to fuck you in the shrine; me and him will be petty to that fox until we both die😤 def takes you to some hidden cave in sumuru w pretty plants and is like look at what i found; fails to mention they’re like sex pollen plants tho😒 so hes checking his watch as everything gets fuzzy and only then do you realize this place is very isolated🤨 nobody would hear you let alone be in this area. Fucks you like his life depends on it, he is using the day to be as sadistic as possible; probably tell you to ding happy birthday like you can talk😭 he has blankets and everything set up like i thought this was a picnic🤨the only thing he eating is you😔the type to get overstimulated easily but holds longer bc hes holding on by sheer willpower and to also make a huge mess. Like to him if he not light headed he’s not done. Fucking like 3 loads back i to you bc hes obsessed w watching you gush around him like he never does anything halfassed hes gunna make you scream every-time, biting you bc why thats how cats show affection and degrading you like hes doing any better “look at you making a mess and cant even help it”! And he only pulled out to not cum

scaramouche is so annoying T T like just say you want to spend time w us you loser! but he's so cute,,, so cute... I had a little party for him in my teapot keke

((two second side note... speaking of kaeya... did you see his new skin? when i heard about it i literally exploded like nothing from this game has made me happier than my meow meow getting the pampering he deserves! and the braid- the braid in his new skin im going to cry))

something in my brain shifted at the thought of kissing scaramouches electro mark... youre making me a scaramouche appreciator,, stop! smh his mark that probs hasnt been washed since it got put there LOL

O.M.G.... i never thought about him not making noises bc he doesnt breathe- yeah he's a slut through and through and i love it.. i love it T T my favorite puppet (raiden look the other way this is NOT about you.... not yet </333)

sharing a birthday with scaramouche is so cute bc i know he would do everything that you want to do and would prioritize your feelings over his because he's such a softie... what an angel. okay that's enough sweet scara im going back to crazy!scaramouche bc if you dont share a birthday w him then he would so take advantage of it like (aside from insecure scara who would hate his bday) he would so make you do everything that he desires since it is his day (and i wont fight him on it!!!!)

YOUUUU ARE FUCKING CRAZYYY IF YOURE GOING TO THE NARUKAMI SHRINE AND NOT FUCKING MISS YAE MIKOOOO- like howww could you pick scaras short ass over her?! hell no! (but fine since it is his birthday smh)

awww scaramouche fucking you everywhere (unlocked lol) in teyvat for your birthdays is so sweet ,, who knew he had a kind side? (i did)

[kithtaehyung]

HELLO THAT WAS INCREDIBLE

every time you post something new i’m absolutely blown away by how deeply you seem to understand yoongi. like everything he does in this chapter just seems so in character. the way he ran to her when she couldn’t get a word out because her heart was too heavy I SCREAMED ACTUALLY. i truly feel like yoongi would drop everything for his lover because that’s what really matters above all else. like tae said he was probably having an even harder time and i really admire the strength.

i felt physical dread in my stomach while reading the first half. i really feel like i’m there experiencing it. this chapter sucked me in to the point where i felt like i almost couldn’t hear the world around me. felt like i was going to cry for a good while but made it out without shedding a tear a real feat for me i cry about everything

so many things that had me kicking my feet and as a fic writer myself i’m going to include them bc i know i like it when people give me specific reactions

“It was just nights ago that you cradled all his moonlight in your palms.” YOUR WORDS INCREDIBLE MY HEART ACHING

“Yes my love” RYEN RIP MY HEART OUT AND STOMP ON IT IM SURE IT WOULD HURT ME LESS. i know this is a happier moment but the way i vocalized so hard i need some citrón tea

“Don’t fall in love” I KNOW THIS WAS PLAYFUL BUT LIKE FRIEND I THINK ITS TOO LATE JUST SAY THE WORDS

The guitar playing SO YOONGI HE WOULD PLAY YOU TO SLEEP BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO HAVE TO SAY BYE

YOONGI RESTING HIS HEAD ON HER CHEST PEAK COUPLES IN DEEP LOVE THAT ARE EXTREMELY COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER

the smut was so delicious and i didn’t expect it to be THAT. it makes so much sense because of the MONTHS of frustration but the way it manifested was just perfect. the changing of positions and begging and her FUCKING SHOES !!!!!! scrumdiddlyumptious ! a full course fucking meal.

ryen you never disappoint and i’m so excited to read the other half of this chapter even if it’s going to leave me crying and damaging my vocal chords.

i’m sorry this is very long i just enjoyed it so much. anyways thank you and now i’m going to make theories with my bestie🫶🏻💜

AHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH OMFGGG! i love your commentary let me bring this to under a cut so we can converse >:D

every time you post something new i’m absolutely blown away by how deeply you seem to understand yoongi. like everything he does in this chapter just seems so in character. the way he ran to her when she couldn’t get a word out because her heart was too heavy I SCREAMED ACTUALLY. i truly feel like yoongi would drop everything for his lover because that’s what really matters above all else. like tae said he was probably having an even harder time and i really admire the strength.

oh. my god. i'm blushing so hard?? not even two sentences in and i'm already hiding in my hoodie LOL you are way too kind. he really said "where are you" like that was his first reaction? the way my heart beat so damn loud😭 this man got serious quick. thank you for saying that about him.. i truly do love 3tan yoongi with all my heart and wanna protect him at all costs.

i felt physical dread in my stomach while reading the first half. i really feel like i’m there experiencing it. this chapter sucked me in to the point where i felt like i almost couldn’t hear the world around me. felt like i was going to cry for a good while but made it out without shedding a tear a real feat for me i cry about everything

whoa. that is some huge praise! it's so interesting to hear too bc when i'm working on it, sometimes i just get lost during the writing process that time goes by and i don't really remember what i wrote. so when i go back to read, it's kind of a surprise! the dialogue itself sometimes gets me immersed enough like i'm actually in it, and i'm just writing what they're all saying?? super intriguing.

so many things that had me kicking my feet and as a fic writer myself i’m going to include them bc i know i like it when people give me specific reactions

YOURE SO REAL FOR THIS THANK YOU T^T “It was just nights ago that you cradled all his moonlight in your palms.” YOUR WORDS INCREDIBLE MY HEART ACHING

i am blushing again!!

“Yes my love” RYEN RIP MY HEART OUT AND STOMP ON IT IM SURE IT WOULD HURT ME LESS. i know this is a happier moment but the way i vocalized so hard i need some citrón tea

umm no lie you made me want citron tea so much that i had it the same night you sent this LOLL. it helped a lot because my brain was so fried from posting, so thank you for that😂 BUT ALSO THIS LINE YEAH....

“Don’t fall in love” I KNOW THIS WAS PLAYFUL BUT LIKE FRIEND I THINK ITS TOO LATE JUST SAY THE WORDS

LMFAOOOO STOP IT

The guitar playing SO YOONGI HE WOULD PLAY YOU TO SLEEP BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO HAVE TO SAY BYE

i really did think of him during this moment and ugh.. to be able to listen to something like that would be so.. yeah.

YOONGI RESTING HIS HEAD ON HER CHEST PEAK COUPLES IN DEEP LOVE THAT ARE EXTREMELY COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER

STOP IT x1000 IM GONNA FLIP THIS DESK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the smut was so delicious and i didn’t expect it to be THAT. it makes so much sense because of the MONTHS of frustration but the way it manifested was just perfect. the changing of positions and begging and her FUCKING SHOES !!!!!! scrumdiddlyumptious ! a full course fucking meal.

oh gosh.. this makes me so happy bc like,, i think smut is still my weakest point lol. like i really need to get better at it! but this was so intense because of the buildup and i know i needed it to be Extra Spicy, you know? THE HEEEEEEEEELS FCK.

ryen you never disappoint and i’m so excited to read the other half of this chapter even if it’s going to leave me crying and damaging my vocal chords. i’m sorry this is very long i just enjoyed it so much. anyways thank you and now i’m going to make theories with my bestie🫶🏻💜

WAIT I WANNA HEAR THE THEORIES ARE YALL GONNA GATEKEEP OR- lmfao i love yall! thank you so so much for reading and for the kind as hell words. you have know idea how happy you made me feel!

[daedalusdavinci]

📓

Put “📓” or some other version of a book emoji into my inbox and I’ll explain the plot of a fanfiction that I haven’t written but daydream about.

ive spent a lot of time recently trying to remember the hs fics i always dreamed id write one day, but lost motivation for before i ever could. i feel like i used to have endless inspiration and i guess im hoping reflecting on that will help me reconnect with it now

i think i wanted to write a collegestuck fic, where dave and sollux were roommates and dave had a shitty job at a coffeeshop and that he swore was basically step one to becoming a dj because they had live music sometimes and thats *almost* a club (but he doesnt want to be a dj, bro was a dj, hes studying archaeology and hes never been happier and he spends too many hours bent over textbooks in the library with aradia just because he loves it, its everything he wanted when he was a kid and it feels like freedom in his hands, but jade asks him what he wants to be and he says the sickest dj there is, and college is just to tide him over until then, and john asks him what he wants to be and he says a director, so he can make movies even shittier than johns dumbass favorites, and rose asks him what he wants to be and he says solluxs sugar baby, because if you dont admit you want something its harder for people to take it from you)

i dont know what the ship wouldve been, im sure there were times where i was full on applebee2 to the end and times where it wouldve been dvekat and so on and so forth, but i know that dave moved across several states so he could go to school with his friends and i know that he and sollux were assigned to the same dorm and get along in the way that only two irritating nerdboys confined to one room can (which is to say that theyre besties and also they hate each other), because i feel very passionately about sollux and dave being friends just as much as dave and aradia being friends.

i think it would be funny if eridan was studying abroad and was one of those annoying europeans that cant go ten seconds without shitting on america (why are you here then, karkat asks him every ten seconds) and was generally just. literally so insufferable but also had no real idea what he wanted to do w his life so he was just majoring in business even tho he hated it (he switches to history, eventually, and is much happier for it), and i think he studies at daves coffeeshop and gets the kind of coffee that makes dave think hes a pretentious hipster (he is), only he doesnt actually do a lot of studying at all and spends most of his time checking out dave bc hes stupid, and instead of flirting with him he insults him constantly, bc hes stupid. dave literally hates him.

on the side i think id want to spend some time exploring dave reconnecting with rose as long lost siblings and john and jade navigating that weird space of "okay ive known you online forever but this is what knowing you in real life is like huh". i think id go jadrose for this au and emphasize jade having a very complicated relationship with romance bc who am i if i dont make someone aspec. john burns out bad towards the end of their first year and is in his depression era

but yeah. all that, i guess. i came up w a lot of ideas for college aus when i was finishing up community college bc i was so excited to get out and go to uni and so theres a lot of like, idea scraps floating around and maybe someday id like to do something with that, especially now that ive gone to uni and know what its actually like

[millsv2]

"Twitter" Ramblings

I just did a big thread on twitter that I'm gonna cross post here because idk I feel like it has some good thoughts. Sorry if it sounds a bit weird here since it was a bit disjointed and cause its Twitter posts™

For Context: I, in my immense worrying, decided to go through my entire following list on twitter and try to see if they had a tumblr or art station to follow in case Twitter really does truly burn to the ground.

---

Yippie! ive hit the point of worrying that im now actually scrolling through every person i follow to see if they have a Tumblr or Art Station or w/e the fuck

I ended up finishing this last night... all 1,527 people i follow... absolutely deranged behavior... but now i have the peace of mind that i follow a decent chunk on another social media...

I wont lie everything thats been going on with [Twitter] because of HIM is legitimately deeply concerning to me... No other social media works like Twitter does for artists seeking employment... Like i know im not popular [on Twitter], but it widens the base to connect with others

and having said base immensely increases job prospects. Literally my friend recently got a job with the assistance of Twitter connections (and i couldnt be happier for them). Its a very real thing, and unfortunately to my knowledge, no other true social media has anything similar

Like sure you could make the case that its on Art Station or LinkedIn too but to me those are far too professional and more just "gallery sites". Same with deviant art and New Grounds those are also just gallery sites I have a gallery, its my portfolio website.

I think if things really do go to shit, I of course still wont delete my twitter... but any actual interaction with people will be greatly reduced and mostly move to tumblr, even though my following is way tinier [on Tumblr]... It'll mostly become "i just share art [on Twitter] and thats it"

I know people are making Lists and such to keep track of people but like... when a site is becoming actively hostile to you for not spending money on it??? i dont want to spend my time here...

again this isnt the "im leaving cya bye forever" post im still sticking around till everything truly burns to the ground... but i definitely needed to set up alternate places to share my work far sooner (other than instagram cause lord i hate insta)

If thoughts do end up getting shared [on Twitter] after everything (stuff like this) itll probably just be crossposted from tumblr since it has a button to post to twitter (idk how it works though lol)

So again, to all the people that follow me and enjoy my work. Please follow me on other social media. My links are on my website at the top right.

I just hope it turns around for this site

---

I know following doesnt matter as much here on Tumblr (the site literally does not show your follower count to anyone but you)... but i genuinely hope i can get back to even my small twitter numbers... Like dont worry im not a massive clout chaser or anything...

but posting into a void to only receive interactions in the single digits really does fucking sting.

Like at least on Twitter or Insta i can post stuff and will average around like... 30-50 likes on a post... which of course isnt a lot, but its nice seeing my friends among them and the occasional new person and hoping that seeing my work at least made them smile to see it. anyways im just hoping anyone that followed me on twitter will find me here and that i can make some new friends with people here too.

[lifeoflustandwonder]

Just a vent - ignore me (or don't).

Ive got such heavy imposter syndrome right now.

I am so very in love with my boyfriend, I love him so much it actually hurts my soul. He knows this, I know this. I know this to the depths of my being that nothing has ever felt so right so fast and I just cant believe it.

But i've been alone for the last year and a half, I am so very sure of myself when im alone its ridiculous. I have anxiety, but when im alone or not in a relationship I still have the anxiety, but it isnt there as heavily as there isnt any pressure.

Right now? I feel rife with it. Not because there is a problem, but my god the pressure of being with someone again is unmatched.

There is nothing this man does wrong, he dotes on me, he cares for me, he thinks of me in everything he does and vice versa, and I him. Ive been in two long term relationships. The first was 4 years, I left that relationship to be with my ex of 6.5 years.

The last year and a half is the first time ive been truly single and I have THRIVED. And its wild because I was ready to pack it in with dating until I met this man. Like id been fucking around and having a lot of fun, but id always been searching for a spark. Like I know I am happy on my own, so finding someone wasnt the end goal. Sure its nice to be with someone, I am a lover relationship girlie after all. However I enjoy dating and chatting and meeting people, Im also a huge nympho. So the random sex was always fun too. But I guess in my head I was like yeah i'll click with someone, itll happen. It got to the point where the meaningless sex was actually getting kind of boring. I was sick of explaining to people where Im from 1-3 times a week (Im currently living across the continent from home). I understand it comes with the territory of dating, but I was getting bored regardless because no one ever stuck.

But This man was actually my last stab at it, my thought process was 'go on this date, if it doesnt work out you can just continue to be on your own and itll all work itself out, its no stress, you're 27'. Naturally and weirdly it worked itself out with him being what feels like the literal love of my life.

I was going to delete all the apps and call off anything else I had going on after this date if it absolutely bombed or just wasnt anything special. It was the opposite, it was the best date Ive ever been on.

I've never been happier. But what I've discovered comes with this after being on my own and really thriving in being alone is that I just dont feel like I deserve him. I dont understand how someone like me, managed to get someone like him.

I am very sure of myself, I have so much love for myself and I know my worth. But its almost overwhemling how well he treats me, and maybe its because I dont feel like i've been in a healthy relationship until now. My last relstionship was pretty toxic by the end. So having him treat me this way I feel like I dont do enough for him.

Its actually fucking wild because I really pride myself on being a 'strong independant woman' as it was. One of the first times we met was because he didnt want me to walk home from work at 11pm in the rain for 40 minutes. He told me to stop being a 'strong independant woman for 10 minutes and let me come and pick you up and drop you home'. So I did, I let my guard down, and im really glad I did.

It just means Im in this really fucking weird headspace of whether or not I actully deserve this man. Like I KNOW I do, I deserve this kind of treatment so much. Much I just worry I'm not good enough for him because he's that good.

How backwards is that? Imagine not feeling good enough for your man because he treats you so well that you know you deserve the treatment but also he's so fucking great you don't think you deserves someone like him? like wtf is that? The heaviest conflict in my brain ever.

I would give him the entire world on a platter if I could. He gets princess treatment too. And rightly so, he deserves nothing less.

But that still doesnt stop my brain from telling me I dont deserve someone like him, even when I know I do.

I just hope I can gain the confidence in this to recognise that I do deserve this.

This is just my anxiety making me doubt if im treating him well enough, if he feels loved enough. Im going to ask him later for sure because I need to hear it from his mouth myself.

Honestly I dont have any doubt in the relationship, like I know he wants to be with me and I him. But I just want to know Im doing enough for him.

Im afraid of him leaving me, maybe thats what it is.

Every other man in my life has left me, why not another you know?

[goremet-chef]

DREADFUL so dreadful but the only step is to just reach forward. like all i need to do is pick up my pen but i cant. wish i could tho

art will always be my passion, even if it bothers me sometimes. its all ive ever been good at, fantastic outlet for creativity and emotional buildup but i just. sometimes i cant move and i dont know why and its literally inches away from me but i can hardly move forward yknow? im fine physically, but mentally its like this huge step that seems so intimidating

i feel like i live off of outcomes and when the outcome isnt certain my brain goes haywire and holds me in place until the outcome can settle. but? this outcome IS the same. its so easy, ive done it before. reach and grab, draw what yr dying to draw

im drowning myself in lethal company things im so excited and im . all my minecraft ocs and my sotf ocs like i have so much i need to make and just.. no will to do it. but i want to! want to more than anything. id feel better if i did, which is true i would feel better. when it builds up inside you its OVERWHELMING like insanely so. i can get it out and free myself if i just DO it but theres always this barrier between what i want and what i actually do yknow? very lame

yknow art is my passion even if it hurts me sometimes it makes me very happy and i like to create, everyone likes to create. i like to see what i can do, like to bring all these buzzing thoughts to reality. can hardly hold onto them long enough to do that but i try at least. sometimes i feel really really unreliable and i dont know why?

i dont do commissions anymore, i pretty much ONLY draw for myself. who are you disappointing? who do you THINK yr disappointing? no one even remembers all the times you say "im drawing this 😼", YOU dont even remember all the times you say that. theres no pressure, you can do it whenever you want, it doesnt make you worse or anything. art is for you, you'll get to it when you can

yes :] i think i probably will. im just trying to make myself feel better honestly its something that eats at me and i dont know why?

its like some HORRIBLE combination of impostor syndrome and bpd fears like "oh no im not good enough!!! i need to provide i need to create for others to consume to prove im worthy" and then when i DO create, when too many people like it its.. i feel like ive conned them, surely i didnt make something that good, i must have faked it somehow and the attention is undeserved

SHIT LIKE THAT honest to god all my mento illnesses come together and hold hands like some really fucked up version of the power rangers. all of them collide in the WORST ways possible its. what is bro doing in there !!!! seriously its actually comically tragic but i live in spite this, i probably always will live in spite of it. sometimes im like wow lets let everything wash over and give up, this hell isnt worth it. but isnt it? back and forth black and white, world is ending world is beautiful type shit. when it feels over i just try to remember all that stuff that and it forces me to remember that there is no giving up on this, wouldnt give it up for the world. its mine and ill keep it

as i was saying tho, i feel so much happier drawing when i try to keep it out of mind. like yes, of course i love the attention. who doesnt? but i used to be INCREDIBLY numbers driven for like. hefty chunk of my art history. like little 11 yr old me breaking coppa on dA had so much fun just drawing hot garbage and sharing it and it never got like any likes but i didnt even CARE i just. to be able to create and share is the best part of all

i wish i was like him again. im not that boy, not anymore, but i remember him and i keep him close. all that cringe bullshit and i was having so much fun

ill give myself some credit yknow. im an adult, money is a necessity in this world. art becomes more of a chore and something i feel pressured on because logically its the only thing i can DO right to make a quick buck like. its the one thing i know i can do. but having my passion turn into something like that? dreadful

sometimes you cant avoid it, i just have to do my best to look past it and recognize that beneath all that shit. theres something in me that needs to draw, the same thing that forces me to carry sketchbooks and pencils with me wherever i go, even if i never use them. just this lingering presence that screams at me and tells me that i will create. i will! i will create