#im honestly so fuckin sick of it lol

[mspbandj]

"Self Care" is to the Mental Health Crisis what "Personal Carbon Footprint" is to the Climate Crisis, send tweet

[peapod20001]

Not a vent jus an emotional observation, but it kinda sucks when you slowly realize you can’t be the friend someone needs you to be

[homkamiro]

I LOVE THE TF2 MLP AU SM. it gives me sm nostalgia to when i was a kid and i and everyone in the fandom made pony aus of franchises we liked- im so happy cringe is dead and tradition is alive 🥹

ALSO THE INFECTION AU POST. GOOD SHIT;!;!!!!!!!!!! gore and body horror are inseparable from (hopefully only the mature part of) the mlp fandom and i felt so giddy jumping for joy kicking my feet up seeing that it had a resurgence!! Your post of this au with your tf2 ponies was my introduction to it!!! Nature is healinggggg

That post is BOMB. WE GOT: 1) HEAVYMEDIC ANGST. 2) PYRO & ENGIE ANGST. 3) BOOTS & BOMBS ANGST. 4) DADSPY ANGST. 5) SNIPER ANGST. ITS GIVING💅🏽💅🏽💅🏽 and the way the disease spreads differently for all of them is so creative!!!!!! Engie wants to sever the infected body part but cant cus its on his back and he needs medics help for that (and med is way too far gone to do any operation), and scout doesn't want his wings severed even tho that would save him cus he still wants to fly!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

also soldier misinterpreting the request is so good. And pyro wanting to help but not being allowed to cus they'd try to burn engie. Demo drinking himself to death cus he cant handle seeing his friend in the state that he's in. Sniper disappearing cus he wants to be with his parents during this horrible time even tho they have a strained relationship. Spy wanting his son to live through this so much that he's planning to sever his wings himself. And heavyyyyyy. Heavy breaking his heart everyday still taking care of medic knowing he's going to have to kill the love of his life soon. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Anyways sorry for fuckin. Screaming in your asks and basically just repeating what you wrote sgjdjd. I just really love this au (and especially that comic with scout, medic and engie!!!) and the infection au post made me so nostalgic to the early days of the mlp fandom that the adhd went mental and i had to shout about it lol- feel free to not respond to this! Youre awesome! Keep doing you!!!!!!

(also youre really good at drawing gore????? Hello teach me pls)

WHAT A BIG FEEDBACK OHMYGODヽ⁠(⁠(⁠◎⁠д⁠◎⁠)⁠)⁠ゝ

Anyway I'm really super puper glad you liked my au!! I was a little hesitant to post it, since AU in AU sounds weird but I'm glad I thought otherwise - cringe culture should be dead!! Mix your hyperfixations it's good for your health!!!

AND AHHHHGGGGGH You noticed so many details thankyouuu🥺💗💗💗The best thing about this AU is that every ship and brotp can work so well in this story. Engie first helping Medic but then ending up being also infected??? Spy checking up on Engie and making him eat since he's too stressed to take a break??? Demo, Heavy and Pyro comforting each other after loosing their friends??? Spy and Scout both raging on Sniper for leaving like a coward??? Or maybe Heavy, as an earth pony, comforts Scout after he just got his wings amputated??? So many possibilities!!

Don't worry, I love when people are noticing all the details and just get,, really invested into my stuff, it really brings me joy and you made my day so much better!!🥺🥺I feel honestly a little insecure, since my pony designs and thoughts may not be the best, but I'm glad that so many people still like my mlp×tf2 stuff!! It's really endearing to know that finally something I like making is also likable to you!

About gore -- I have no idea😭I love gore but it's a pain to draw properly and scary, you'd need practice and references (I mostly use art references since yknow,,,real photos can make me sick)

[shigarakisslutbag]

PLS DO SHIGGY THIGH FUCKING HCS thank u ily

I honestly didn't think I'd write on here again but I can't sleep and it's like 5:30 in the morning lol. So I'll write some thigh fuckin' headcanons to ease the stress 😎 (also TW: for thigh fucking, somnophilia, long post in general LMFAO. If I missed anything I apologize. Also it's now 6:19 after finishing it so there's probably typos I've missed after briefly skimming this so Im also sorry for that LMFAO)

(EDIT after writing. I'm so sorry this ended up not being headcanons and was just a full on drabble I found of pulled out of my ass but I hope you still enjoy it lol)

Now truthfully I havent even watched/finished the seasons after season 4 lol. I'm in the middle of season 5 still because I'm severely depressed and can't enjoy anything. But that doesn't mean I don't still love shigaraki and tbh I still read fanfiction from time to time about him or dabi.

I feel like a lot of people paint shigaraki as either absolutely vile and grimey or just aloof and soft with a grumpy attitude. And I feel like it's a bit of both. Which really plays into his sex life (if he'll ever have one). But even without a sex life, his personality most certainly plays into his fantasies and kinks.

I want to also emphasize that fantasies are just that, fantasies. Shigaraki most likely has plenty of fantasies that he'd never dream of acting out with his partner should he ever have one. I feel like even if he had some sick fantasies or kinks, and you happened to be okay with it, he would still be iffy because if this man, for whatever reason, picked you out of everyone else?? He's not going to treat you like absolute garbage. Shigaraki is definitely not the nicest person by any means, but by God if he cares about someone he fucking cares. Esp because you're probably the only person who actually loves him in his entirety. So if he's into noncon, somnophilia, predator/prey play, or whatever, it's going to be a while before he gets comfortable bringing up any of those fantasies with you.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, you're wondering "goddamnit ash shut the fuck up and tell me the thigh f-" wELL THATS TOO DAMN BAD YOU LISTEN TO SEGGSY MONOLOGUE OR YOU GET NOTHING. ty luv u.

Okay so his fantasies right ? What are shigarakis kinks ? Does he have any? Oh absolutely. And they range from either something as light and soft as hickeys and tying you up in silk while eating you out for 2 hours to nipple clamps and making you wail with hot tears and shoving a dildo down your throat telling you take it like you've taken every other mans cock down your throat because he knows stupid sluts like you are always capable of doing those things if you know it'll make your pussy soak the sheets.

Now it's not his top fantasy, but thigh fucking. And God do you have the prettiest thighs. It doesn't matter is there's stretch marks, if they're chubby, skinny, or if you have immense scarring on them he LOVES them. He loves how soft they are. He loves how they look in shorts or a skirt (esp when you keep trying to pull them down a bit because they're a size smaller than what you wanted so they don't pudge out). He loves how your delicate hands lay on top of your thighs while you fiddle with your fingers out of nervousness. He loves the way they move when he walks behind you, you have a walk that puts any model to shame. He just loves them . And by God does he throb at thought of getting to push his cock past your sweaty or oily thighs. The head of his dick barely kissing your clit each time he thrusts. But that's not the biggest and best part at all. He wants to wake you up to it. You've told him countless times he can wake you up to any sexual acts but he's still nervous. But he's really horny right now. And you're sweaty from the lack of AC and you're naked on your side sleeping away. But he genuinely can't think of anything else other than how wet your pussy must be right now and how slick your thighs must be from the heat of the room. His cock is absolutely aching to slide between your thighs and folds. He has never felt so hungry until he met someone with a body as inviting as your own. He's been stroking for the past couple minutes but it's just not enough .

He peels off the throw blanket you have over you because despite the heat you always love your blanket to sleep. But even after the blanket is removed you still don't wake . He slowly examines your body and grazes his hand down your body. Going over your shoulders and arms to ribs to hip bone. Finally meets that beautiful soft ass of yours. He gentle lifts your thigh to angle and can see your pussy . Its so wet and glistening from the lights on the street coming in through your window, beaming in and lighting up your skin to a beautiful warm glow.

He lifts up one of your slick folds, seeing your pretty clit and rubbing his thumb in tiny circles on it. He can't take it anymore and slides his cock between your thighs, his shaft rubbing your leaking pussy and making your clit throb even more. You may be asleep but your cunt is always awake and ready to be touched by him.

He starts thrusting slowly to building up that pressure in his groin to make his orgasm feel even better in the end. He can feel you coating his shaft with your juices more and more with each desperate thrust he makes to your thighs. Your thighs are so sweaty and warm and grip his dick so nicely taking any and every drop of cum he wants to and could ever give you. He can hear slight wet sounds coming from your cunt with each thrust that keeps getting more rapid and animalistic with each thrust because you dont know how to stop being such a needy whore all the time even in your sleep. Before he knows it you're gushing and your cum is on the sheets making him go over the edge. Now he's spitting thick, white shots of cum all over your thighs while drops of it roll down your skin onto the bed as well. You're still mostly asleep, but youve adorned a dazed smile on your face with a satisfied tomura passed out next you .

[slightlyhopefulromantic]

Oooh that's an interesting premise for requests! :] May I perhaps suggest then... Uh honestly kinda feeling Terry/Nicky for this one! Also ehshsjskkwjwke maybe Jodie/Ron??????

silly little fan kid prompts

in a wildly out of character moment for me, i COMPLETELY skimmed over the rodie part of this ask fdhjgbdhb so i will ! do that next and @ you in it! BUT hey. hey. shakes a terrick kid at you

this is cameron, my new baby girl sweet daughter cameron. i like to headcanon that samantha always did terry's hair when he was young, so it was cute to me to imagine that terry would do the same to her :] and of course, nicky has to introduce cameron to all the sick ass movies that glenn showed him, including the ever famous predator handshake.

both the stamplers and the close-foster-etc families have very specific like. through-lines in their families which make this combo interesting for a fan kid? im gonna put my further notes under a cut along with some etc rambling because this is just. exciting to me. i usually make fan kids with a story already in mind, but this exercise is kind of the opposite where i have to figure out the story as i go, and thats really fun to me :D

mild spoilers for the newer episodes of season 2, but i decided to uh. Pay Attention To Biology here since terry jr was revealed to be infertile, and i think thats interesting, so cameron is adopted!! this obviously left my options pretty open, but i decided to still stick with a mixed kid, Black/Chinese, since 1. feels kinda against the point of a fan kid if i just did a random design lol and 2. considering nicky's odd genealogy as well as his severe issues with wanting his dad(s) to be proud of him and the way hes so lopsidedly attached to his family, i figured he would be the type of guy to want his adopted kid to look like him. i dont think terry would care, but he would want nicky to be happy, so it all works out in that regard ! i went back and forth a bit on if i wanted her to have freckles, i thought it could be a cute tie back to jodie, but decided against it.

she does follow the Ron -> Terry -> Ron -> Terry naming scheme, originally i was gonna go for a terry name but i figured a ron one would make more sense lol so her name is cameron! i think she would take a lot of fashion inspiration from her parents, ive always seen them as both very. emo/alternative. terry less so as he grows older, but nicky definitely clings to it, and i think that would rub off on cameron. shes not as dark and edgy as they are - i think she would be a pretty bright and bubbly kid, actually - but i kinda like the idea of her being lowkey scene/scemo. yes im biased because thats one of my favorite sub-cultures, but its CUTE. i didnt really feel like doing full outfit sketches but just know that if i did. she would be scene. and like both of her dads as teens (and nicky still into adulthood), she does dye her hair pretty heavily hehe

the only real unfortunate thing about fan kids for a series thats like. already very heavy with canon kids. is that it kind of leaves everything in a weird place where its like... do cassandra and taylor exist in this? do veronica and scary? and uhhh i dunno ghbfjdgdfhjh up to interpretation, i suppose. its easy enough to just have cassandra and nicky be divorced, but the veronica/terry of it all is murkier ... food for thought, i guess. scary would fuckin hate cameron though i think they would argue LMAO

[sharksa-shivers]

Want an idea of the beginning dynamic? Aitey lol

(Early af group chat stuff lol, Kristy still getting used to things…Max just drags her into one and then Sharky after a while lmao)

Kristy: Look, i'm fucking terrified of him okay???

Kristy: How in the hell are you not??? Did you see what happened earlier??? With that fish??? And you're still so set on him being harmless??? THAT WAS HORRIFYING TO WATCH HONESTLY…

Max: Lmao, i never said sharky couldnt be intimidating or scary or anything, he hella fucking can if he reallt wants to

Max: thing is that last bit tho, "wants to" would be your key phrase lol. Sharkys chill as fuck 99% of the time…Also he's a giant puss and would coward the fuck out of doing any of thay shit your so scared of. He memes but hed never get over it mentally if he actually hurt somebody like that lmao

Max: he harmlesssssssss uwu, you juwt don't wanna fuckin listen again

Kristy: IM…ARE YOU SERIOUS????

(~Mr. Darktide Rising~ has been added to the group chat. Welcome!!)

Sharky: Yo

Sharky: ….Oh we're on this shavinksta again? Ok.

Kristy: MAX, WHAT THE FUCJ???????

Max: lol, needa get over it, i ain't lettin ya worm out of friendship that easy

Max: Sharky, tell krista something fuckin cool, legit, like whatever

Kristy: God fucking damnit Max!!!!!!! AND IT'S KRISTY

Sharky: Erghhhhhh, hmmmm…

Sharky:(sends a picture of packaged gel pens)I got some new glitter gel pens, can't wait to use these bad boys on some art.

Sharky:(texts picture of a blue rock)Also got this cool aquamarine rock earlier too. It's my birthstone so that's pretty neat. (March, if you were wondering)

Sharky:(sends bunny gifs and stickers)Also bunnies.🐰Bunnies are cool.🐇 You like bunnies Kristy? Pretty sure everybody does… Kristy: anxiety overwhelming, can't do this, fuck…

(Kristy - Has left the chat)

Sharky: ……..Oh, ok.

Max: Man, don't feel bad, just gotta keep trying…

Sharky: I shouldn't fucking have to keep trying to get some basic fucking respect but whatever…

Sharky: Never mind, fucking hell…Gonna draw, maybe rest. Dunno, just…I need to calm down, fucking hell…

Sharky: Fucking hate myself more and more every damn day…And I never actually fucking do anything to earn that…I haven't ever hurt anybody but everyone fucking hurts me…Sick and tired of it…

Max: Dude, fuck, cmon!!!

Sharky: Nah, i can't like…Handle this right now, i need to lay down, really upset now…Just want alone time…

Sharky: I know you want to fix it and i appreciate it Max but you can't fix everything, you can't. You just can't…And some people are always going to fucking hate me for what i am and i can't change that either…

Sharky: Ffs…So fucking done…

Max: Plz, just wait a minute!!!

Sharky: Anyway, laters, peace…

(~Mr. Darktide Rising~ has left the group chat)

Max: like fuckin hell i wont at least try to fix everything

Max: ……..This ain't over and i ain't deletin shit…Ima keep dragging both of you together until you get along on basic terms, this is fuckin ridiculous as fuck ------------- Yeah, so this is more a starting point lol Kristy at first is ABSOLUTELY PETRIFIED of Sharky...And for all the usual reasons... At first Sharky tries to explain and befriend her and whatnot but Kristy is so scared and distrusting of everyone (Probably because she got...yknow, kidnapped and dragged halfway across the world or something, idk lol) She doesn't trust him at all and is constantly thinking the worst of him... So thusssssssssss Sharky starts getting more bitter and pissy and angry towards her because...Well, fuck it. He's tired of being nice to somebody that's constantly throwing shit at him...Which, i do not blame him. (Sharky does have his limits as does...Everyone...) And Max is just like...The awkward middle man that's trying to fix shit because Sharky's his best friend/brother and Kristy's like his new bestie and "wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll we're a team now so you two dumbasses are gonna have to get along to some capacity!!!!" And Max isn't wrong there with the last point either lol... Kristy warms up more to Sharky as she gets more comfortable being in the Campsite and being forced around Sharky and whatnot...It just takes time...And Sharky isn't going to reject somebody who wants to change their mind on him (because he's had to do that a ton of times in his life and...He always wants that circle of close people to get bigger so...) Yeah, yknow lol Also Max is bad at remembering people's names (with Kristy tho, cuz she's being urhhh so bitchy towards the Campsite people who had absolutely nothing to do with her kidnapping and everything, he starts saying the wrong names on purpose cuz it pisses her off lol, that's a beginning joke...) And also also, in case you're wondering: Sharky ate a fish alive in front of em, that's what Kristy was going off about in the beginning bit lol...

[jwowwsboobs]

is there any particular outfit piece that ur looking 2 get/is on your wishlist? if so what is ur plan with it & where would u wear it to

the most specific outfit piece ive looked 4 was a leather harley davidson halter top which i found THIS YEAR after abt a year n 1/2 of watching ebay listings n waiting but usually i try not to focus too much on super duper specific items of clothing cuz ill get fixated n do nothing else BUT look 4 it ... most of what i like is just casual clothing, jeans, tank tops n shirts cuz i do literally 3 things: eat, sleep, thrash, repeat. kidding LOL but i really just like being comfy. i do have a couple pieces like my beloved harley top tht i bust out 4 parties n that sorta thing (wore it when i played my last show lol) but other than that ... i am kickin it in my dirty ass sneakers jeans n a tank top LOL !! i always always always keep my eyes peeled 4 things tht remind me of my favorite parts of fashion from the 70s n mid/late 2000s (well like. 2003-12 tbh its not exactly pure mid 2000s cuz of my love 4 jersey shore n their clothes) !! that being said. the top 3 like...pieces im always keeping an eye n an ear 2 the ground (ebay) 4: (read more cuz there r pics <3)

lowrise jeans w fun things on the back pockets / butt, like these super cute jeans from red pepper !!

i love love love the look of big patches on jeans esp in the back i feel like its so playful n fun n a little sexy !! i dont like highrise jeans which totally bums me out cuz most of the flares i find / see r high rise n i exclusively wear flared jeans LOL ... like i said most of my style is pretty casual i am not usually putting in a ton of effort 2 look put 2gether n cute n whatever literally i just throw on jeans n a shirt i got at a show n call it a day but having jeans tht hv exciting details like this get me thru life fr <3 my favorite pair r my flame flares which u cn kind of see in my avi but some better pics r below. i wore out th first pair of them (below) n had 2 make another one but they r literally like. iconic 4 me im almost never not wearing thm. wearing them rn even !

2. vintage band shirts 4 bands tht i cant/wont see in concert ... rn the shirt ive been lusting after is this dope ass etown concrete (BEST JERSEY HARDCORE BAND WILL FIGHT 2 DEATH ON THIS) shirt thats got fuckin mike "the situation" on the back n it says "JERSEY CORE" on the front in the jersey shore font. i am literally so obessed w it u dont get it ... im praying itll still b on ebay in a couple months so i cn get it 4 my bday cuz i am. not prepared 2 drop 124 on a fucking tshirt. yet. but i will. i am not sharing pics cuz i am very paranoid someone will buy it out from under me so i am #gatekeeping. i promise its sick as fuck tho

3. nearly anything thts sort of r bikerish whether tht b theyre vintage or reprinted harley davidson shirts (like my BELOVED "put something exciting between yr legs" tank top) or just from a brand thts demographic is bikers (anjill or not has some CUTE jeans tht im infatuated w!! look at these blinged out jeans like omggggg ... so sad theyre out of the ones w angel wings on the back but honestly idrc im sure theyll come back lol)

4. pretty much anything they were wearing on jersey shore ... ed hardy, rush couture, affliction, yoga pants, furry boots, shirts w obnoxious sayings on them ... great 4 daily life, 4 shows ... rush couture is my fav honestly, i like the tracksuits they hv on their site rn but hvnt bought one yet n honestly probably wont 4 a while from the state of my bank account 😭😭 oopsie! but anyway yeah ed hardys great n all but ppl charge wayyyy too much 4 those jeans n same w affliction its so . ugh !!

5. n speaking of things ppl overcharge 4 ... of course. juicy couture anything !!!!!!! ive been on the hunt 4 an (affordable! please god) hot pink juicy tracksuit like the kind paris had in the 2000s just 2 lay around the house in LOL but im also carefully watching out 4 a daydreamer or just any of their cute bags cuz i love purses but i am pretty picky abt my juicy cuz its SO expensive. kinda hv 2 b tho n its worth it 2 b

thts kind of all i can think of. usually when i pop in the thrifts i look 4 shit like belts or necklaces or rings tht i dig but i cant wear rings or jewelry very much anymore cuz im either 1) at school or work (no jewelry policy <\3) 2) at house parties/shows moshing 3) laying in my bed recovering LMFAO. i also love looking 4 cheap cowboy hats cuz i LOVE a cowboy hat n i usually always end up giving it away 2 someone at a party or a gig LOL currently all out of cowboy hats but im gonna get some in january probably . idk. need 2 save my money LOL !!

[boxwinebaddie]

Hey Uncle Nina, random question but what is your opinion on Henriel? (Michael x Henrietta) Or rarepairs, for that matter?

awww! while i will say that i haven't put much thought into their intimate/personal relationship, i am a friends to lovers girlie, they clearly have similar interests and i think they could definitely be super cute together, doing little gothy goth thangs (fangs), aw.

as for rarepairs in general...i am definitely in support of rarepairs! i know what its like to ship something that goes against the grain of what everyone is mainly shipping in a fandom, how frustrating it is to have almost no content for your ship/having to make it yourself and honestly...just getting harrassed for liking your more obscure ship! so in general uncle nina rocks on the side of rarepairs...

....speaking of rocking however and NOT rocking the boat specifically, i will say an exception to my acceptation of ships are ones that are obviously extremely gross like incest, assault, anything illegal or very immoral. particularly if its done in extremely poor taste. like i feel like if you are writing dead dove and its conscious, its tagged correctly and it isn't like...excuse me...torture porn that trivializes or romanticizes traumatic thematic topics, i support you.

but i really hate those like 'stan kwords himself and drinks himself to death bc hes a pathetic loser lol haha' fics...very sick to me tbh.

my final note on that and also, not to rock, rock, rock that boat is there are definitely ships that i dont particularly like or agree with, but i certainly will not threaten to kill you over it. do you...i guess. lmao.

but yes! the ncu supports rarepairs, i just happened to like style and got lucky because a lot of other people did too! i also ended up being fond of bunny/kenjorine and bendy which is realtively well accepted and...i will say i want to get more familliar with creek and write them one day...i do not actually know that much about them tbh.

in terms of actual rare pairs though...does reidi count? because i really like reidi? ( i kind of want to write a chance to write reidi tbh ) i also support bebrietta? and uh...tolkien and clyde? craig and clyde sometimes aha. do pip and damien count? uhhh really any of the girls shipped w each other...probably other stuff? yall will have to englighten me to more rare pairs and ships that you enjoy!

so i'll be honest...the real reason i don't know about a lot of rarepairs or engage in ship related stuff is...please take this lightly and im sorry if this hurts anyones feelings but ive felt it for a while/i know its hypocritical because i write fanfic for the south park fandom...

i kinda...hate the south park fandom...a lot...specifically sptwt...soz :/

i just think it can get really nasty in there sometimes? immature?

there's a reason why my twitter is mainly used to update you guys on my writing/writing process and be moderately silly. it feels like a comfortable and safe place to do so, a place of information.

i sometimes hover on the 'for you' side of twitter and i always fucking regret it because it's so chaotic and intense and kind of...gross, tbh?

i respect and love every one of you and i believe you are all good and wonderful people who curate conscious content/arent Like That...

but everyone getting into discourse every five seconds, trying to kill each other, the delusion, people spelling like theyre in first fuckin grade ( some of that seriously gives me a seizure ), infantilizing the characters, treating the HEAVY AND FUCKED UP issues they talk about on the show like theyre jokes or valid ( its partly the shows fault but some of yall minds are getting turned into mashed potatoes ), the echo chamber of just...ignorance and stupidity...bad takes...and CRINGE in general...like i get second hand embarrassment, dude.

i know its for fun and all...but there is a reason why when when i go to write my fanfics, i take the dark ass issues they talk about in south park and try to write gritty but respectful/socially aware, honest and authentic accounts of the effects those scenarios can cause/how that effects yourself/your relationships/your world...so people treating stuff like that like its so haha! Funny!!! uwu!! SiLlY XD is like...

UuUuUuuuUUUUGH

i saw this post that was definitely a joke but it said something like "thirteen year olds should be able to drink and get drunk lmaooo" and it made me....soooooo viscerally angry???? because like???? that is so SICK AND FRIGHTENING TO ME???? i know stan has drank since like eight but that does not make it good??? thats actually devastating????

and even its its not a joke it horrifies and devastates me that you are using a platform and fandom with other young susceptible people in it and desensitizing them to extremely harmful substance abuse and fucking...making light of it. actuuuuually so sick and twisted. jail pls.

maybe its something about being an educator who cares deeply about everyones safety/particularly young minds but...soz not to get too dark...i had a very serious party girl phase in hs and college where i drank very heavily as a coping mechanism, i almost died, it almost ruined my life and its why a lot of stans experience feels upsetting and authentic to me ( bc it was my life & almost my death sentence )

and its really not something that i think anyone, especially 13 year olds, should be joking about getting into because i fucking love and worry about you all out there...i love south park but it pisses me off sometimes because it waters down and bastardizes really fucked up shit...idk maybe i'm being a hater...i love tiktok and twitter and stuff but i am really worried about what its doing to peoples perception

anyways...sorry for being on my soapbox...that has been sitting in my chest for a while. if you actively enjoy sp twitter and the fandom i'm sure your side is lovely and even if i don't think it is, i love you all and i want you to have fun. it just...freaks me out and gives me the ick tbh.

lastly, i'm sorry if my stories seem less canon because of my lack of interaction with the actual fandom and content...i will say i think i've hopefully done a good job of using a lot of context around the basics of south park and adapted them into literature that is both reminiscent of the show we love, the characters that we identify with, while also creating a more mature universe, taking trauma seriously and taking a sort of 2d comedy show and making it into more like...a modern take, a grittier movie adaption...a more serious literature?

idk...i'm trying to take a silly show and make it more serious, sympathetic, dynamic and resonant if that makes sense...

and its hard to tell, but i really hope i've done that and i'm sorry if this is all terribly pretentious, i just am a Kyle and i'm a hard line abt this.

tldr: i love you guys very much, i'm sorry for being a hater, thank you for reading my rant/my pretentious fanfictions, i'll shut up now

-uncle nina, hater arc

[madisonbeersource]

i THINK my ranking is (and yes imma include “i have never felt more alive” as a single too)

4. dangerous - and i really don’t wanna put it at the bottom bc i LOVE this song. i can kinda see why ppl think it’s more forgettable than the others but the “i’ll remember you this way” breaks my HEART bc i can totally relate to that sentiment. also in LOVE with that mv she looks unreal

3. showed me - for NOW - i’m sure it’ll jump up the more i listen to it but rn it’s already passed dangerous for me. im sure if you ask me again in a week it’ll be 2 for sure or maybe even 1

2. reckless - I WILL NEVER GET OVER SOBBING TO THIS AT THE LIFE SUPPORT TOUR it was actually so sick of her to put this and homesick back to back i was literally so unwell for that sequence i was sobbing

1. i have never felt so alive - I. LOVE. THIS. SONG. so fuckin underrated. it feels so personal but also so cinematic (perfect for a movie lol) but also like passive aggressive and i get so into it when i sing it like “remember how you said that you would save me?? but you’re the only one who needed saving” SICK. SHES SICK FOR THAT

but literally it’s not like it’s a long shot between songs like they’re all SO good it was such a hard call and it fluctuates daily

- the mads and maggie anon

I agree w dangerous being the forgettable one overall because the other ones have SUCH a vibe to it that dangerous almost feels like a single interlude you know just like a break between reckless who was such a vulnerable song up to showed me that is a bad bitch vibe!

showed me is on repeat ever since it came out honestly & today i'm doing some more gifsets BUT i feel u it's kinda like the upgraded version of BOYSHIT!

Reckless will forever b iconic!

OMG I HESITATED w showed me & Ihnfma cause honestly this song is ....PERFECT it's slept on and i'm so sad we didn't get a music video w it bc it really felt like one of her best singles!

YEAH I FEEL THAT SO MUCH

[silvermuffins]

Pokemon Legends Arceus: Peeking at Postgame

There's gotta be a plot. There's gotta be. Also I feel like running off into the wild and not coming back, tonight, so I might as well live vicariously through Eiko for a bit!

Also I still have my mission from God.

y'know, the seek all pokemon thing. i have a dex to complete!

i have mostly not been reading the dex as i go so if and when completion should happen i will do a reaction thingy. maybe a video? we shall see!

anyway we can get at least a few hours in before bedtime (i have to be at work at 9 am on sundays. this does not sound awful, except consider i never need to be there before noon on any other day of the week)

yeah let's battle the secret weapon person that can't go wrong

where the fuck we goin

dude's a generic model and he's supposed to be tough????

palkia is somehow the best i have on my team to deaal with shinx?

why the fuck ARE his first stage early route pokemon this tough

he downed my Typhlosion and nearly got a God!

oh right i beat the game probaably everyone says new shit

oop this sidequest has a cutscene

volo how do you just keep turning up

oh that logo is for the main quest

thought i'd have to go to the big bossman for that

oh sweet my guy is just GIVING me oshawott and rowlet

lol i managed to just edge up to the next rank

beni says he did wht he came to do and planns to move somewhere with a "more agreeable climate"

sir???? are you and kamado not boyfriends?????

doodedoo talking to all the gajillion npcs

who dis

he dont got a naame

doctor? doctor who????

shizu asks where pokemon come from and i immediately start singinng

FROM THE EARTH, THE LAND, THE SEA, AND SKY, YOU CAN NEVER WIN BUT YOU SURE CAN TRY!!!

ohfuck prelude beach is the route to canalave aint it, that didnt click til now

"your pokemon are the ones taking care of you" this just in eiko is shit at remembering her basic human needs

which makes sense honestly

god there's soooo many npcs and so many places they can be hiding

okay that's everyone in jubilife i think....sidequest hell now

or at least househunting for chimecho hell

yeah i figured in the end it'd be chimecho stays with ida

okay there's villagers i have not tracked down who i have quests concerning, we'll figure that out later

fieldlands! let's do some shit here

oh this lady is the shaymin quest

oooh mai has a request too!

y u bein so spooky tho

my guy cut flowers filling a garden is NOT how that works

k lessee what's up with munchlax

zorua!

let's explore this distortion it's been a while since we did that

okay battling

aaaaa trying to catch two out of the three pokemon i'm battling

NOPE

clover spotted!!!

clover you didn't sneak up on me....

braviary and sneasler really make it easier to get the wisps

ohmigosh the munchlax

lol

now oreburrow tunnel, then volo ig

don't like how we framed volo for the namedrop

he wants to gather the plates. im sus.

i have ten plates....need eight

hey alpha infernape you wanna leave me the fuck alone so i can dig up treasure ok thankssssss

holy shit how many old verses are there

i have 3 and 17

about halfway through the absurd leek request....

mmkay volo what do you got for me

(fuckin hell this game and its beautiful music)

why did a fuckin vespiquen have the stone plate

found the flower field!

caught several buizel, hopefully one of them will be big enough for the quest

5 more wisps in the fieldlands....

god where tf are they

only like 20 more leeks to get too

continuing to catch every buizel i see

oh hey theres coin!

meh

bam, 100 leeks! ....might look up the wisps, i've been looking everywhere

okay i apparently really have looked everywhere bc i just used a goddamn map and checked every spot and the wisps aren't there, i still have five left

right im sick of searching so we'll just mark where they SHOULD be on our map and be on our way

get oshawott's research level up to 10, annnnd...evolve!

we are gonna go back to jubilife and end off here after we nab some quest rewards

dammit NONE of my buizel are big enough

alright peselle you needy witch here's your goddamned leeks

and all she gave me was some mint. i don't have much need for mint???? i don't think????

okay massive mass outbreaks unlocked i think

or at least more quests

calling it here tonight!

[pesterloglog]

Jane Crocker, Roxy Lalonde

Act 6, page 4432-4436

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 1:11

GG: Heyyy.

GG: Ahem.

GG: Ro-Lal?

TG: oopos sry

TG: was havin important chats

GG: Oh?

GG: With whom?

TG: w yet anather ineligible fuckin bachelor who elfe i have to talk 2

GG: Yeah.

GG: Um... which one, precisely?

TG: di stri

TG: insmufferable prick mf'r extroariadinnere

TG: *lol wow

TG: *extradinner

TG: *heheh yum

GG: If the chats and surplus dinners were truly important, I wouldn't want to interrupt.

TG: tchhhh

TG: of course not jus the usual bs

TG: chats with u always get precedance anyways

TG: unless this is more of u givin me shit about not believing me on all my sick tru facts

GG: Actually,

GG: That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

TG: i c

TG: go on..........

GG: You see, I was just the target of another assassination attempt.

TG: @@@

TG: fuck*!!!

GG: Two, in fact! One here in the real world, as I attempted to retrieve the mail.

GG: Luckily it was thwarted by a certain cat who shall remain nameless.

TG: hehehe oh man

TG: god cat

TG: bbf

TG: *good

TG: *bff

TG: *no wait

TG: *god wuz right

TG: fuckit

TG: *both spellins r true

GG: But in the process of being rescued from the explosion, I was knocked unconscious.

GG: And in my dream, there was another assassination attempt.

GG: This one I believe was successful!

TG: uhoh

GG: I'm becoming convinced that our "dream selves" are being picked off by violent hooligans.

TG: shit

TG: hooliginas

TG: * ...

TG: * yes

TG: but i think u mean

TG: batterwitch thugs

GG: Perhaps.

GG: The one who accosted me was a knife-wielding lunatic.

GG: And it's reasonable to deduce the same forces were responsible for Jake's death on Prospit as well.

GG: It looks like we are in the clutches of an actual caper. A real life mystery!

GG: Which under different circumstances would be quite exciting.

GG: But the truth is, I think we are all in great danger!

TG: well fuck

TG: i guess its time to take this shit up to RED ALART

TG: to where its been for like fuckin ever jane

GG: Yeah, yeah. :p

GG: But that wasn't all there was to the dream.

GG: Shortly before I was stabbed, I had a rather long gander at Skaia.

TG: a gander u say

GG: Yes.

TG: how good a gander

GG: I would say a pretty substantial gander.

TG: ok

TG: and during this totaly massive gander u snagged

TG: what did you see

GG: I saw things in the clouds.

TG: things

GG: Yes.

GG: Things.

TG: wut things

GG: Things happening in the future, I think.

GG: Many events pertaining to us. All of us, and other people I didn't recognize.

GG: It was a bit overwhelming.

GG: It made me feel small. Insignificant, relative to whatever it is we're about to involve ourselves with.

GG: And honestly...

GG: It made me feel pretty foolish too.

TG: foolish

TG: why foofish

TG: *sdjhf

GG: I began to wonder why I ever had the audacity to think I know much of anything about the world we live in or the journey we're about to take.

GG: Or to think I could ever rule anything out.

GG: I have a feeling that whatever I saw, it means you've been telling the truth all along.

GG: About everything.

GG: And I'm starting to feel like a complete idiot for doubting you.

TG: aw man :(

GG: I've been one great big horse's caboose, and I think you're owed an apology.

GG: Do you think you can forgive me?

TG: jane

TG: damn

TG: ur makin me feel like shit here

GG: Why?

TG: uuuun

TG: eh no reason

TG: just uh

TG: hey did u dl the game file i sent yet

GG: I did.

GG: And at this point, I guess I have no choice but to use it. I guess you were a step ahead of me yet again.

TG: why

GG: Because the one in the mail detonated in my most recent assassination attempt.

TG: WHAT

TG: of fuck those HACKS

TG: the old explobing game trick woh would stoup to such lowbrow shegnannagings like that

TG: *somany sweet typos

GG: :B

TG: that witch just mafes me FUCKINK FRUIOUS sometites

GG: Hoo hoo! The tactic was quite underhanded, yes.

TG: yeaaah

TG: uh so

TG: what were we talking about again

TG: soory im just worked up ovr it

GG: I don't blame you.

GG: Where we were, by my estimation, was a place wherein I was about to awkwardly attempt to swallow a helping of humble pie.

GG: To somehow make it up to you for my years of stubborn mistrust.

TG: hey jane

TG: wasnt that a bunch a splip infinitives...

GG: Hm?

TG: *split

TG: to awkwardly attemt

TG: to somehow make it up !

GG: Oh!!!

TG: lul so busted

GG: Oh gosh, what a doofus.

GG: You see?? I clearly don't have all the answers!

GG: I really had some nerve challenging anyone, on practically any subject.

TG: dont beat urself up too bad we both know that rule is bullshit anyway

TG: you hold yourself to too high a standard and those standards kinda leak out and start gettin applied to other people i guess sometimes

TG: you really dont have to apologize janey or eat humble pip or anything all youve got to do is maybe not be such a huge tightass all the time

GG: That's fair. But I would still like to make a gesture.

GG: Even if it's one partially motivated by self interest, seeing as I clearly have much to learn.

TG: ?

GG: I would like to give you a free pass for a day.

GG: It is good for twenty-four solid hours of absolute credulity from your best friend.

TG: ........

GG: :B

TG: ok waitin 4 u to say wtf youre exacly talkin about

GG: It means that starting now, whatever you tell me, I will have to believe you.

GG: I promise!

TG: o rly

GG: Yes.

TG: ooooooooooh................

GG: Um,

GG: Are you there?

GG: Ro???

TG: (shh)

TG: (thisis a dramantic pause calm ur tits)

GG: Oh.

GG: Hmm.

GG: Exactly how dramatic are we talking, here?

GG: Shall I go retrieve a magazine?

TG: RLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????

GG: Sigh.

TG: kay then

TG: what do you want me 2 say

TG: for you to autobelieve in

GG: Hmm.

GG: Everything, I guess. I'd like to get completely up to speed, if possible.

TG: yeah

TG: but

TG: im pretty sure i already said everything

TG: want me to just

TG: sayit all again.....

GG: Some reiteration certainly couldn't hurt.

GG: But this time I won't work so hard to sift the fantastical from the plausible.

TG: so like

TG: stuffs i said about my mom or

GG: Sure.

TG: ok well fors tarters

TG: she really is the notable author u know

GG: Oh, I know that!

GG: That was always something I had no trouble believing, considering the public documentation even reclusive celebrities receive.

GG: And frankly, the family resemblance is obvious.

TG: yup

GG: Anyway, it would be disingenuous if I found your relation far fetched, since we're all apparently related to noteworthy people. It's just one of those funny things.

TG: true dat

TG: then

TG: what else can i talk about

TG: like her occolt majyyks and stuff

TG: because i dont know a whole lot about the mayjjykks

TG: besides th fact that theyre all real as shit can get

GG: Maybe we should start at the very beginning.

TG: ok

TG: but the begninning was a hecka long time a go

GG: Do you remember around when we first started talking?

TG: y

GG: And you claimed you were the one making my pumpkins disappear?

TG: hahAHA

TG: *aha

TG: y :3

GG: You later proceeded to try to prove to me that what you were saying was true.

GG: But none of your attempts thereafter would ever bear any fruit, pardon the pun.

TG: k but it aint pardoned because a pumpkin aint even a fruit

TG: its a big orange porch thing for holloween numbnuts

GG: Yes, I know what pumpkins are. It was a joke, silly.

GG: What I'm trying to say is, in thinking back to those days, when you couldn't verify your claims, it made me think the whole thing was a big ruse.

GG: And I think this unfortunately began a pattern of mistrust. It was always hard to rule out the possibility that you could be joking about other things as well.

TG: yeah

TG: but its not my fault i mean appeafrification tech is notoriously unreliable

TG: remember

TG: i xplained this

TG: i cant just always appearify stuff from you any time i want

TG: i can only take stuff im "allowed" 2 which is pmuch random

TG: like stuff that by takin id be messing up the time line cause that stuff is supposed to be there and serve some funciton it hasnt served yet

TG: so most of the time if i try all i get is slime on my end

TG: but pumpins 4 some reason are a lil easier to take i dunno why

TG: like they are specifically and arbitrorily unhinged from spacetime

TG: is spooooko

TG: *ky

GG: I couldn't begin to explain the science behind such a technology either.

GG: But I guess the important thing is, regardless of how or why it works, this is a story you continue to stand by?

GG: That is, you are still taking credit for the mysterious disappearance of all those pumpkins I grew years ago?

TG: f yeah

TG: i so gonked your gaurds jane

GG: ...

GG: Did you gank them when my gourd was down?

TG: * yes

TG: * yes i did exectly that

TG: snatched ur patch sucka!!!!!!

TG: hehe

GG: Very well!

GG: Then I believe that is what happened.

GG: That's all I am trying to say here.

TG: so

TG: ok

TG: u believe that

TG: now what??

GG: Now... nothing, really.

GG: You may continue to tell me anything you would like with the confidence that I won't doubt you.

GG: So by all means, go ahead!

TG: ok gotit

TG: so jane

TG: whas tit feel like 2 get stabbed by a bab guy

GG: Oh, come on!

TG: huh

GG: That is a question!

TG: yeah so

GG: It's not any sort of revelation, or statement for me to take at face value.

GG: Dadburn it. This isn't that difficult!

GG: And for the record, it's not great.

TG: whats not

GG: GETTING STABBED BY A BAD GUY. IT ISN'T ALL THAT PEACHY.

TG: yeah i bet

TG: musta suuuucked

TG: or

TG: dream sucked idk

GG: So, you're not in the mood to tell me things?

TG: no i am

TG: im psyched about u wanting to believe me and all

TG: but part of me still feels like i should prove it

TG: like i tried to once

TG: it was just frustratin i mean im a sciestist i should be able 2 prove my shit

TG: like

TG: subject my claims to the fuckin madrigogs

GG: Um...

GG: Madrigogs?

TG: *mad rigors

TG: u know what i mean???

GG: Yeah, I understand.

TG: i mean trust between friends is sweet and everything but i dont know if i wanta be the repipient of like a butt load of pity believins

GG: It's not about pity!

GG: It's more like a gesture I'm trying to make.

GG: Or maybe that's not quite right.

GG: It has more to do with setting things right for myself than making it up to you.

GG: Does that make sense?

TG: .............

GG: Shoot, I'm doing such a terrible job explaining this! :(

TG: (patiently sips bev rage)

GG: The bottom line is, I WANT to believe the things you say now.

GG: That's all you need to know!

TG: ok thats good

TG: i want that 2 buuuuuuut

TG: i still wanna prove it irregardlessly!!!!!!!`

GG: *Shudders uncontrollably at "word" usage.*

TG: whoops sry

TG: * still WANT TO prove it irregaurdlesally

TG: ^ all fixed tght as fuck

TG: so u down for one last try

GG: Sure!

TG: k lets get busay

TG: what you want 2c me disappearify

GG: I don't know.

GG: The baking chest, maybe?

TG: too big

TG: i got size restrictions here

TG: bigger stuff takes huge amount sof power to swipe

TG: so this gizmo i have has a built in size cap

TG: like somethin as big as you for insance

TG: i cant take

TG: believe me ive triiiied

GG: D'aw.

GG: That's sweet of you, I guess?

TG: was totes sweet of me to try and steal you for the hangouts but it dint work becuse of BUULBSHIT

TG: but i can take stuff somewhat smaller

GG: What are the restrictions?

TG: just dump your shit on the floor

TG: tell me everything thats there

GG: Well, what immediately catches my attention is this enormous book.

GG: I wonder how it squares with your size restriction?

TG: wut book

GG: My Unabridged Sassacre's!

GG: It's a very rare edition, and a precious family heirloom, so I don't know if it would make an ideal candidate for the journey.

TG: no no r u kidding that shit is perfect

TG: should be just the right size like big but just barkley not too big

GG: But what if it gets damaged!

TG: pshhhhh itll be set fire

GG: Oh! Silly me, what was I even worried about!

TG: errr

TG: ahahaha man

TG: * sent

TG: ** fine

GG: That wasn't even a Freudian slip.

GG: Doctor Freud just tripped over an errant phallus, tumbled down a flight of stairs, and broke his neck.

GG: And then his cigar exploded comically in his face.

TG: ffffFROLOFL

TG: jane ur funy

TG: (omg still lolig @ that word boner i made ooomg)

GG: It was spectacular.

TG: but 4 real i wont set ur fuckin joke book on fire jane

TG: it doesnt even do that even if it goes the worst kinds of wrog

GG: Couldn't we send Wise Guy instead?

GG: At least it can be easily replaced.

TG: jane

GG: ?

TG: jaaanae

GG: HM??

TG: FUCK wise guy

TG: ist would be SO LAME ass a giguinea pig book

TG: goddam who m i kidding i dont even no how to spell giguinea pig whilst sober

TG: coud be sober as a churchchrist and lookat it..... giunae.... guinea... idk shit looks intrinsnically fucked typographically speakin

TG: sooo FUCK that wrod and FUCK those parcicultar pigs

GG: No, I reject your proposal that we "fuck" Wise Guy, whatever that actually means, or for that matter, the spelling of any adorable rodents named after African nations.

TG: jane

TG: are u being a tightass again

GG: I don't... think so?

TG: we talked about this

GG: About what?

TG: about you benig a tightass

GG: I am not being a tightass!

TG: janey

TG: it seems 2 me

TG: that there is a (MATHS) % chance of you bein a huge tightass

TG: are u bein a huge tightass on me jane

GG: Oh god dammit.

GG: Take the book! What do I care!!!

TG: yessss thast the spirpit

TG: now u are believin w petrol

GG: I fail to see what offering up a priceless book for your wildly capricious science experiment has to do with my resolution to be less stingy with my beliefs, but alright.

TG: haha will u relax abt the book

TG: im only just teasing cause theres like practically a 100 percant chance this wont wonk like alwasy

TG: * wort work like always

TG: sooooo

TG: ready/

GG: Yes, let's just get on with it.

GG: It worked!

GG: The book is gone!

TG: oh no

TG: aaaawwwww shit

GG: What is it?

TG: shit shit shitsh it

GG: Did you receive the book?

TG: shoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

TG: SHITSHITSHITHISTHITSHITSTHI

GG: Don't tell me.

GG: The book is damaged somehow, isn't it?

TG: ffuuuuuuuuuuuk :(

GG: Sigh. Is it at least SOMEWHAT intact?

GG: Or was it completely incinerated in transit?

GG: I just KNEW we should have used Wise Guy. I can't believe this.

TG: dont worry

TG: the book itself is topes fine :*

TG: *:9

TG: *dsjf :(

GG: Oh.

GG: Then what's the problem?

TG: fffff

TG: im so stupid :(

TG: so stupoid so stupud soos tupob :(((

GG: Will you tell me what happened??

TG: gotta go bbl

TG: well talk abt important stuffs l8r

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TG: ps jane ty 4 believin me

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TG: OH SHIT

TG: on last thing jane

TG: DO NOT RUN THEFILE I SENT U BEFORE I GET BACK

TG: i need 2

TG: uh

TG: just dont w/o me ok

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TG: fuuuuuuuuiiiuickl :'(

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

[borderline-gays-club]

So not entirely BPD related…

But honestly everything is BPD related cus that’s how I view and interact with the world.

Anyway preface done. Lol. But god as im working in the restaurant industry again, on the other side of my own rock bottom(s), im looking at everyone like, fuck. Capitalism TRULY destroys ppls imagination and spirit. It’s so sad to witness.

When I’m bored as shit at work (which is most of the time lol) I just ask my coworkers random questions, and one is simply, what do u want to do with ur life? And god…the responses I’ve gotten are fuckin sad.

I got a literal nothing. I want to do nothing. Just lay and do nothing. I got I want to end it now (which ngl I kinda laughed cus I feel that deep in me. The mood is real). And I mean that one was half serious. And then someone else just said my hobby is spending money lmao. And this was an adjacent question of, wat wud u want to do for work instead of this and they said factory work cus it sounds meditative.

The only person with a genuine hope for life is this one boy who’s the youngest in FOH and he wants to open a restaurant and is actually passionate abt it. I hope to god he doesn’t lose that light cus fuck we all need it. It’s so bleak to hear all these sad ass answers.

It’s just like everyone just truly gave up and are just stuck in this hellish cycle of make money, spend money rinse and repeat. There’s no ability to imagine a different and better life. At least not realistically. And I was there too not very long ago: I remember thinking, I’m just gonna do this my whole life and was like watever abt it. I didn’t have plans, I didn’t have any real goals. I didn’t care abt anything.

And it took an immense amt of pain and work to get to where I’m at now and I can look at my surroundings with a different lens now. And I’m starting to fully concretely see the patterns of the type of ppl that end up in this work (including where I currently fit in and where I used to).

But god I’m beyond words with how I’m so grateful for all the events that lead me up to this point where I have regained my imagination for life and joy. Bc I was literally spiritually dead for so long. I think bc my emotional instability was so visible and erratic (thanx BPD), that I simply couldn’t ignore it. And also I was seen as the unstable mentally ill one. Like a special case.

But the more I look at ppl I’m like…I’m truly not a special case at all. Everyone’s fucking sick in the head. They just don’t see it or don’t want to see it. And also different presentations of different problems will b accepted or not. (Easiest example being; alcoholism as an addiction is socially accepted and even celebrated whereas a meth addiction for example is seen as marginal and deplorable). So most ppls mental illness is simply acceptable or the norm when really everyone’s sick.

But I guess myself being seen as “too much” made me believe that I needed help. But it’s like…we all need collective help. This country is literally strategically making us all sicker by the day. It truly feels like a weird nightmare that I still want to exist in just so I can see the other side of the dream.

[wiggles113]

She asked me today to teach her my warning signs of a severe depressive episodes so that she can know how to help me.

No one has ever asked me that before.

It got me thinking.

About how I am so happy, this is my prime time. I'm happily talking to her day and night, I'm catching babies, I PASSED MY FUCKIN FINALS. I'm so happy about all of that.

But I can't eat.

Not like a nauseous, sick, can't eat.

But like the thought of nourishing a body that I hate living in is just not something I can do right now.

For 2 days now, even when I'm absolutely blasted, I can't seem to want to try anything except for coffee.

I went to the store and got all of my favorite foods and snacks, because sometimes meals are intimidating but if I snack at least I'm putting something in my body.

And I just get high and stare at them

No one talks about how your body seems to know when your brain is shutting down. It's like it knows you're giving up before you do, you just think you're not that hungry today.

You just think I don't need to put a seatbelt on or ride in the slow lane just because its snowing on the highway.

And honestly, if you go out that way, its so much easier for everyone else.

Stop.

Here it is.

The big ugly purple depression cat is back again.

I'm so oblivious to my own warning signs, until this time.

Here's a few I've noticed recently:

-starts thinking about childhood trauma very frequently and is willing to talk about it more bcuz its always on my mind anyways

-sad music. Almost all the time. Scream singing it.

-not dancing in the kitchen

-stays in the shower way too long until my skin is going to literally peel off or doesn't shower for days

-starts looking at old pictures, text messages, posts, "the old me"

-gets careless with driving fucked up bcuz has very little regard for own life

-doesn't eat. Or will eat just enough in front of you to make you think im doing great and then not eat for days after.

-associations. Going/seeing places that are triggering for me.

-dissociating, like a lot.

-writing more, lol.

-music on all the time because cant be alone with thoughts in a quiet room

-cant make choices.

-thinks no where is home anymore

-Starts doing ocd like behaviors as a way to feel tangible control when I dont have it emotionally

-aka, cleaning. All the time. Every single thing.

-will be almost manic, laughing harder than I ever have before. Be careful with me on those days. Those are the days that it's the hardest to stick around for some reason.

-cant just be happy. Ever. I probably dont deserve it anyways.

[dirt-grub]

I want to make more jokes about newt being a metalhead (canonically I remind you) but no one on this website knows what metal is and it’ll eventually get far out of my orbit and people will be fob posting or smth and I’ll cry

[vanityloves]

this isnt funny anymore.

[kaiokentimesten]

I've been feeling really numb lately tbh