#im hoping if i can somehow break down the driving stuff wall and get that done

[inner-community]

also i cant even practice driving because our car is dead and our neighbor NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE so we cant put my dads car next to it to jump it. i want to scream. i guess it helps complaining though so i can stop thinking about it so much and getting so stressed. i just feel like i need to be doing 10000000000 things.

really i just need to do 2 things rn - call the test people & send an email to the dmv guys. then when those are done i can study. and if i have to make a psych appt it would be fine because i should ask for my as needed klonopin back because i think i am still good for the most part it's just my anxiety randomly goes thru the roof and i need help w it. (weed has been making it worse. why would my best friend weed do this to me...)

i also should really remember every day to take my mushroom supplement because i cant overstate how much of a diff it makes taking it regularly.

also i need my wife to stop asking about tax stuff for A Minute because i know what we are doing i just need time to execute it all and i have to do all of the above bullshit first!!!!!!

[clareisa]

I’ll protect my Queen - mafia!AU -「I.M - Im Changkyun」

Request (requested by @xxkittenbebexx): Changkyun mafia Au, a death threat is aiming his S/O during their fiancee celebration party. Fluff could lead to smut as you want

A/N: Hope you like this one as well!♥

- gifs are not mine, credits to rightful owners

- English is not my first language, so please, excuse my mistakes

♥AUs Special Writing Season ♥

  The mansion of MX family, how they were calling themselves, was today busier than it normally is at regular days. People, that could be only dreaming to take a look into the most beautiful villa in the neighbourhood, were today running around, stress taking over them, decorating the massive building for the special event that will be taking a place this evening. The French villa was impressive by itself with all of the luxury details on walls, heavy and expensive furniture from all around the world but the exotic flowers, shinning chandeliers and the live orchestra practising for the evening were creating extraordinary and blissful atmosphere. 

  And why such a madhouse and need of everything to be perfect? Well, one of the founders and the youngest brother in MX family was going to announce that he choose a woman that will be next to his side from now on until they’ll meet again in the afterlife. That he is finally ready to officially introduce the fourth queen of the underworld of Seoul, after his three older brothers Hyungwon, Kihyun and Minhyuk did as well. And this one is going to be the biggest and the best party in the world that is highly hiding from innocent society.

  The veil of the night dropped on the city of Seoul and the villa of MX family opened the gates for special guests from all around the country and world as well. The air was filled with mystery and excitement. No one besides the seven founders and house servants ever saw the future wife of the youngest brother. 

  You were looking out of the window behind the curtain carefully so no one could see your face. Nervously you retracted the curtains fully, put your hand on your heart trying to calm down the fast beating of your heart and the buddle on nerves in your stomach. Carefully you moved in front of the golden mirror. Your eyes ran up and down your form trying to get used to the view in front of you.

   Hair slicked back making your face and neck perfectly visible and serious looking. Scarlet red lipstick making your lips plump, eyeshadow making your eyes bigger and more cat-like and highlighted cheekbones was perfectly complementing each other perfectly. Looking at the choker-like pearl necklace made you smile because it was hiding the deep red Changkyn’s marks from last night. The long off-shoulders dark emerald green dress was hugging your figure perfectly. The Bardot neckline was showing your prominent collarbones and the slit starting in the middle of your thigh was making your right leg visible. Covered in luxury but you somehow felt naked. 

  The sound of the big mahogany door of your shared bedroom slowly opened and your lover peeked throught the gap. You turned to him, he fully opened them, entered the room and closed behind him. 

  Dark midnight black hair falling to his forehead, sharp eyes and perfectly fitting suit on his lean but defined muscular body made him the man that every woman desired but he was only yours and you both couldn’t be happier about it. The big smile appearing on his handsome face makes you a little more confident in your own skin. His dreamy gaze eyeing you up and down in complete trance made all the stress disappear in a second. 

  “You are absolutely gorgeous, my love.” he said looking back into your eyes. He slowly walked to you and as he was close enough, his hands wrapped around your waist gently while your arms wrapped around his neck. 

  “You really think so?” you asked giving him a small smile. 

  “Of course, my love. I can’t wait how all women will be jealous of your beauty and grace, all men jealous of me because I’m the one who has angel by his side and just all people being blinded by your dazzling aura.” Changkyun slowly caressed your cheek in a loving manner. 

  You chuckled and looked away for a moment trying to avoid the tears, “You should stop being this perfect or I’ll ruin my makeup.” you looked at him again with, now, bright smile. 

  “You can’t cry now. Save that tears for tonight when all guests will leave.” he winked showing that arrogant sly smirk of his that could drive crazy. You playfully hit his chest but avoided eye contact by hiding your face to the curve of his neck. Changkyun chuckled and kissed the top of your head while caressing your neck saying: “You don’t need to worry. I’ll protect you for the rest of my life. I would be happier if none of that people would ever see you but I can’t make you isolated.” 

  He leaned a little back and took your cheeks to his palms, “You gave up on your daily life because of me and my lifestyle. So at least I’ll make the best of this lifestyle for you.” you nodded smiling at him and he kissed your forehead. 

  “Let’s go, shall we?” he offered you his hand which you gladly took. You swallowed all your nervousness. In the end, you were with Changkyun, nothing bad can happen to you with him by your side. 

  The walk through the corridors was surprisingly quick and you both were already on the top of the staircase ready to walk down like a royal couple. You took a deep breath looked to Changkyun’s eyes and nodded with a small smile. Changkyun gave the small orchestra a signal with nodding and they started playing some classical piece. All heads immediately turned to your direction and you two started walking down the grand staircase. As your lover said earlier, almost all women were eyeing you with jealousy that you were the one standing next to Changkyun. Some were even poking their men in a jealous manner to stop them from starring at you. The only gazes that were calming you down belonged to other six brothers and wives of three of them that become your best friends since Changkyun introduced you to them. 

  All guests followed you to the garden where the grand dinner was prepared. They all sat down only you two were standing. “Let me introduce you all to the woman I’m planning to stay beside until the day I die. As you all know we got engaged just yesterday.” he said and everyone immediately cheered. Family expansion was always a big event in the mafia world.  

  Changkyun looked at you, holding his glass of champagne. “I fell for her dearly. I was never this happy in my whole life.” you smiled at each others, “And I’m even more careful than before. I’m ready to protect this woman with all of my life and since she’ll be soon part of your family as well I expect the same from all of you.” his face smile but voice colder than ice. 

  “So now please welcome my queen, the fourth queen of Seoul underworld. Cheers!” he lifted up the glass and everyone shouted the sam response with raised glasses. You both took a sip from the expensive liquor and bowed to all people in front of you in 90 degrees as act of respect. They bowed back as a symbol of welcoming you gladly in the family. 

  The dinner was going smoothly. Everyone enjoyed the food and now they were dancing on the build dancefloor in the garden after you and Changkyun got the first song just for yourself as the official new engaged couple. You were enjoying the celebration a lot so far. People who you were introduced to you were despite their high-class snobby looks were very warm-hearted and gladly welcomed you. 

  One of the waiters came to you two and put a beautiful cake, “Mr Im, this was sent as a gift from guests that couldn’t come tonight. Please enjoy. It should be a favourite flavour of our queen, red velvet.” he smiled and slowly walked back to the mansion. You were looking at him as he was walking. You knew all employees of the mansion but you never saw this one. 

  “You should cut the cake. It is your favourite so let’s cut it and eat it until Hoseok hyung and Hyunwoo hyung will come and eat it all.” he chuckled. You nodded, still not so sure about the waiter. You stood up and started cutting the dessert. It was really weird, it felt like it was filled with something else than the normal cake. As you finished the first cut you wanted to peak what was inside. As you pulled with the knife to the side something red wet and sticky immediately leaked out of the cake right on your leg. 

  You shouted in shock and jumped back when you saw the intestines leaking out and streaming down your revealed leg. You froze, your bottom lip was shaking, you couldn’t move. It wasn’t, of course, a real cake. It was just a top of the cake with carved inside where someone put a lot of rotten human intestines. 

  Changkyun was immediately standing up. “Close all the gates! All the doors! Now! No one will get out of here until I’ll find that jerk and stuff his mouth with this!” his voice was scary and angry. Everything immediately closed and everyone stopped talking and dancing. 

  “Babe?” you heard your lovers voice next to your ear. You looked with teary eyes at him. “It will be okay...Just look at me right now, okay?” he said and you slowly nodded. He took the napkins and slowly, still looking into your eyes, took off the parts of the intestines still stuck on your leg down. You could feel some of the rotten flesh slowly sliding down your skin. But the smell... the smell almost made you gag but the calming eyes of your fiancee were keeping you from breaking down. 

  “Now we will go and wash you, okay?” he smiled a little. You swallowed and nodded. He softly lifted you up and bridal style, not caring about your legs being bloody. As he was walking he called for Jooheon and told him: “Don’t let anyone leave. Check everyone and their invitation card and find that fucker who brought that cake to us.” Jooheon nodded and all the security, all brother and even their wives started searching for the culprit. 

  You hid your face to his shoulder gripping his suit tightly in your shaking hands. He quickly took you to your bedroom and entered your bathroom. He quickly helped you out of the blood-stained dress and helped you to stand in the shower. He took the showerhead and carefully cleaned you three times, especially your legs. 

  After he finished he dressed you into your favourite pyjamas and tucked you into your shared bed between the fluffy nice smelling sheets. Your breath became calmer but your eyes were still closed tightly not wanting to open them. You felt how Changkyun sat next to you on the left side. He was looking at you with a sad expression. His phone rang and he picked the call seeing Jooheon’s name on the screen. 

  “Yeah?” he asked. 

  Jooheon on the other end said, “We found him. It was a spy from our Busan rival.” he said. You could hear it all and you choose to focus on their voices instead of the vivid memory of this evening. 

  “Good. You know what to do... change up with others every two hours. I’ll take the final shot in the morning. I think we will be sending the same gift our Busan friends sent to us. But our package will be fresher.” your lover said in a cold voice and hanged up. You gulped. You knew what he meant by that and you were always kinda scared of him when he took care of such a “businesses”. 

  You felt his body came closer to you, wrapping his hands around you tightly and put your head on his chest. He took your still shaking hand and started placing butterfly kisses all over your palm and fingers and then he put it on his hot soft cheek. 

  “Love, you can open your eyes it’s just me.” he whispered but you shook your head no. “Please baby. It’s just us two.” he said and slowly placed a gentle kiss on both of your closed eyelids. As if his lips were magical you slowly opened your eyes and saw his handsome face with a sweet smile. He was still holding your palm against his cheek, kissing it occasionally. 

  “I’m sorry, it’s my fault, love. I should have known better.” he sighed sadly.

  “It’s not your fault, Changkyun.” you smiled at him a little.

  “They will get what they deserve. Don’t worry. But I should have known something would happen.” he tried to contain his anger. 

  “You did everything, love. I’m okay. I should start getting used to this. I know it will get only worse and I want to be ready, not break down like today.” you said in now much calmer voice.  

  The man next to you couldn’t help himself and kissed you. Maybe it was partly from pity or anger but most of it was from pure love and intentions to help you feel better. You gladly welcomed his soft lips on yours and kissed him back with the burning love you have for him. Your hands went to his dark locks and gripped the roots. His hands went to your thighs and started massaging them intensely. His skilled hands went under your silk top sending shivers because his cold hands touched the hot skin of your tummy. 

  He broke the kiss and looked into your eyes, “I just wanna make you feel good, love. You don’t have to agree. I just want you to forget everything and focus on just the feeling, the pleasure. Be greedy tonight and don’t care about anything but you. What do you think?” he asked carefully. 

  You didn’t know if it’s right but you would welcome to think about something else than what happened. And Changkyun always knew what you need. So you slowly nodded making your man smile. He kissed you once again and when he broke the kiss he already got that playful but lewd spark in his eyes along with his suggestive smirk. Changkyun laid on his side, his hand slowly going between your legs and gently separated your legs apart, holding your inner thigh. His fingers started ghosting around your sensitive area, pulling the material of silky shorts to the side making you gasp a little when the tip of his fingers brushed your folds.

  “Let me take you from hell to heaven, my love.”

[anythingandeverything1d]

Falling

Your POV: 

*2 months ago*

You had dreamed of the day when Harry would no longer be touring, he would have a break from everything, time to spend with just you. Now of course as you were packing your stuff into a bag, you realized it was too good to be true. You and Harry had been together for almost 5 years, most of which you had him to yourself. Lately he had been working on albums and setting up life for solo tours and concerts and you couldn't have been more proud...you just wished he had more time to be with you again. It had been a hard transition having him all the time to having him leave for weeks to write and record.  You were convinced he was the guy you were going to marry, so you stuck it out praying things would eventually go back to the way they were before. Before he had been acting differently, coming home late, not texting, calling or checking in as much, and not being as present in the relationship. Now this was all before. Before your heart had been torn apart. It all started a few days ago when you had walked into a bar and caught him with his hands around another girls waist and lips lingering on her neck. Her dark brown hair was covering his face slightly but when he looked up you could see that he felt more than just friendship with whoever she was. He was definitely a little drunk and when his green eyes locked on yours he knew he was screwed. You walked out and he stumbled after you. “(Y/N) wait please. Just wait, okay it'll be okay. I can explain-”

“No Harry you can't explain. You've been slipping the past few weeks, you've been distant, distracted, moody, and now I know why. Its fine. Im going. Enjoy your life.” and with that you jump into an uber and left. No time for him to explain himself or come up with an excuse. You had blocked his number and moved on....kinda. You had contacted his sister a month later and she had arranged for you to get your stuff. You had noticed your favorite tshirt in his bed but figured it was just a crazy coincidence so you grabbed it and stuffed it in your bag. You did not want to be home when he got home so you rushed out the door thanking Gemma and saying goodbye a final time. 

*Today*

That was a few months ago. Now you were laying in bed scrolling through instagram. Harry’s page had been updated with new tour dates, pictures, music video releases, and of course all of his new album info and Merch. You resisted the urge to click on the videos and pictures, you're heart jumped in your chest at the thought of him but your brain said no. Harry was in the past. He was no more, but yet you still checked his pages a couple times a day (even though you knew he didn’t post often) Finally you got out of bed and ready for the day. Leggings, a tank top, and some sandals. Your hair was left down and a black hat placed over it. You had decided to meet up with a friend who lived a few hours away and the first stop was getting gas. You were at a WaWa and had run inside to grab a snack for the road. Of course Night Changes was playing in the background and a group of girls were singing along. They all whispered and pointed as you walked past grabbing your candy bar and bottle of water. You somehow still managed to grab fans attention even though the world knew you and Harry were over. You had paid and were walking out the door ignoring their looks when you walked straight into someone. “Oh sorry” you mumbled as your  face went into their chest and you breathed in the very familiar smell of Tom Ford’s Tobacco Vanilla cologne. No way..no possible way. He was not here right now. You didn’t dare move or look up until he moved back and looked down. Your eyes met his dark green ones and you just looked at each other. “(Y/N)...” Harry mumbled seemingly speechless. His eyes confused and clouded, his hand lightly on my shoulder. 

“Uhm...Sorry about that...uh there are fans in there singing just a warning...” You looked down and hurried past him back to your car breathing heavily. Harry just started after you with a distant look in his eyes. He looked like he was walking towards you slightly when you started to drive off, still smelling his sweet cologne and your heart longing to be back in his arms. You looked down at the road and kept going, not allowing yourself to stop. After that you couldn't drive, hell you could barely breathe normal and so you drove home and got right back in bed texting your friend that today wasn’t going to work because of Harry. She would understand, she knew how things were with him. You pulled up his twitter page only to instantly close it and sigh. Instead you messaged Eleanor, Louis girlfriend. Throughout the hiatus the guys hadn't remained too close but you and El had and she would know exactly what to do in this situation. While waiting for her reply, there was a soft knock at your door. When you opened it there was no one there but an envelope had been left on the stair addressed to you. You grabbed it, looked around, and opened it. Inside were tickets to Harry’s concert..for his concert tonight. Taped on the back of one ticket was a note:

Please come...we need to talk. I need to see you. Please... -H

You took another deep breath and reread the note. Your heart was pounding and your brain was fuzzy. You looked at your watch, the concert was in a few hours and you instantly ran upstairs to get ready, fighting back the logic your brain warned you about and following your heart. You tore your closet open looking for the perfect outfit, but for what occasion. For the first time in months you softly smiled and let yourself think about the possibility of Harry. The nights that you missed so much, his soft hair in your fingers, his dimples, the way he kissed you, the way he laughed and told horrible jokes, all of it. “Ughhh” you moaned leaning back against the wall. “What am I getting myself into?”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Enjoy part 1! Getting into this again so don't judge how bad it is lol its been a while. Hope everyone is staying safe, healthy, and enjoying the concept of a reunion. Message me if you have any imagine requests. Missed you all :) xoxo

Part 2: https://anythingandeverything1d.tumblr.com/post/616027588521017344/falling-part-2

[illfoandillfie]

Future Management

Pairing: Roger x Reader

Summery: Roger rewires your mind

Warnings: Smut!, Bimbofication/intelligence play, Hypnosis/trance state, drinking, tickling, oral (m and f receiving), protected sex (yes you read that correctly there’s actually a condom in this one wtf), mentions of spanking/restraints/blindfolds/degradation/public sex but not explicitly, a bit of dom!rog sub!reader, thigh riding.

Words: 6969 (N I C E !!)

Inspired by: Future Management by Roger Taylor (oh my god that video im hhhhHHHhh this song really makes me feel some kinda way)

A/N: So Bimbofication has a bunch of different connotations for different people. For some the emphasis is on the physical shape of a stereotypical bimbo – think big boobs and blonde hair and a valley girl accent - which can lead into body modification stuff. For some it goes hand in hand with hypnosis and mind control. For some it’s about intelligence play - turning a smart person dumb. There are a bunch of different ways to play with this kink and different things to get out of it, especially when you start mixing the different aspects together or connecting it to a dom/sub dynamic. I’ve gone with an interpretation that aligns with what I personally find hot about bimbofication, mostly focusing on the turning a smart girl into a dumb slut/sex object aspect (though I’ve also included a little hint of the physical appearance) using some light hypnosis stuff as gateway to the “bimbo state”. I am by no means an expert in hypnosis (or anything), I just have a passing interest and think it’s kinda hot. A lot of the hypnosis part of the script was inspired by THIS podcast episode which discusses bimbofication/intelligence play and ends with one of the hosts hypnotising the other to make her dumber (it’s a really interesting discussion and FUCK that hypno scene at the end oof its hot). 

Also big thanks to @somekindof-cheese @idontbelievethiss and @dtftomholland for being my betas and giving me some great feedback!!

Taglist: @ezmina98  @vee-ndetta @atomic-watermelon​ @kellypenac​ @labessieisallama​ (i hope none of you mind being tagged in this, couldn’t remember if you’d asked to be tagged in all my fics or just the RRL ones lmao, let me know if you wanna be removed from the list!)

To the world at large you are a well-respected, intelligent, and accomplished woman. You graduated university top of your class and head of multiple extracurricular groups. After uni you’d found a job that you loved, working in a law firm, gaining attention as you rose through the ranks and became a prominent attorney. Two years ago you’d thrown it all in to start your own non-profit organisation that aimed to reduce the growing rate of homelessness. It was challenging work but rewarding and you loved it. You’d appeared as a guest on news panels and talk radio programs to discuss the issue and campaign for support which had made you, if not a household name, certainly a recognisable figure in the community. Which is how Roger knew you when you first met. Of course, you’d known him too – how could you not?  

You’d run into him at bar, most of your friends having ditched you for the dancefloor or whoever they were hoping to take home. That wasn’t really your scene though so you’d intended to finish your drink and then head home. Before you could leave, he was in front of you, introducing himself and apologising for the interruption. “I wanted to congratulate you on your work, what you’re doing is incredible,” he said earnestly, “the world needs more women like you. More people like you.”   “Thank you, that’s very kind of you to say,”   “I’ll leave you to your drink now, have a good evening,”   “Wait,” you said, surprising yourself, “this seat’s free if you want to join me,”  

That introduction sparked a conversation which lasted hours. For the rest of the night you were wrapped up in each other entirely, the flow of conversation never stopping as you covered every topic under the sun – politics and music and food and literature and everything in between – without any awkward pauses or uncomfortable silences. You found yourself hanging on his every word, blown away by his quick wit and intelligence, and that cheekiness that permeated his very being. He kept both your glasses topped up as you talked, well beyond the point where all your friends had left, until eventually he invited you back to his place. You hesitated, the first hitch in your conversation all night.   “You okay?” Roger asked after you were silent for a little too long.   “Yeah. I just, don’t...know...”   “Don’t know if you want to come home with me?”   “Yeah.” You nervously chewed on your bottom lip. “That’s okay, you don’t have to. Just figured, we’re having such an amazing night, why should it end now?” he said with a slight shrug, “It does kinda surprise me that you’re unsure about it though.”   “What d’you mean by that?” “Nothing bad I promise.” he chuckled, “Just that you’re so sure about everything else. Don’t really seem like the type to not know your own mind.”   You exhaled a single breathy ‘ha’, “About everything else you are correct. Not so much with this sort of thing.”   “Well, at least let me drop you home.”   “That would be nice, thank you.”   “You’re welcome.” He stood to call a car since neither of you were in any state to drive, “The offer still stands by the way, if you do decide you want to. You’ve got nothing to lose.”   You laughed as he threw you a wink but his words stuck with you, looping through your head as you waited for him to return.  

Roger led you out into the street to wait for the car, placing his jacket over your shoulders when he noticed you shiver slightly. He leaned against the brick wall of the bar as you chatted in soft voices until the car arrived. Once you were both tucked away in the back seat, safely hidden from prying eyes and cameras, Roger leaned towards you. His hand came up to cup your jaw, thumb sliding softly over your cheek. Your eyes darted to his lips and then back up to his eyes.  “At the risk of ruining an otherwise great night, I’d really like to kiss you.” You nodded, the closeness of your bodies already releasing a colony of butterflies in your stomach, their fluttering only getting faster as he moved closer still. His lips were softer than you’d been expecting, his hands rougher as the one remained on your face and the other rested gently against your arm, though you should probably have realised so many years of drumming would leave their mark. You rested your hands against his shoulders, gradually slipping one up into his hair as he deepened the kiss.   Well, shit, if this is how he kisses...   You blinked your eyes open as he broke away from you. No one had ever kissed you like that before and there was only one thought running through your head. Roger’s voice. You’ve got nothing to lose.   “Take me home with you,” you said softly but decidedly, throwing caution to the wind. Roger grinned and indicated the change of plans to the driver before pulling you into another kiss.  

Neither of you even contemplated stopping the whole way to his house, only breaking apart briefly to fall out of the car and hastily climb the steps up to his front door. Even then, his hands remained on you – lightly tracing over the small patch of exposed skin on your back where your shirt had come untucked from your pants. Clutching Roger’s arm, you leaned in to kiss along his neck as he fumbled with his keys. You felt very unlike yourself but it wasn’t an unwelcome difference. You’d never felt such a connection with anyone before. Never found anyone quite as irresistible as you found him. You were glad you’d agreed to this, vaguely recalling the rumours you’d heard about how capable Roger was with women and deciding you could use a little capable. When he finally figured out the keys he ushered you inside and lunged for your lips again, pressing you against the wall as he found them.   You’ve got nothing to lose.   It was the only thought you had time for as his hands slid down to cup your arse, pulling you tightly against him, and he began kissing down your neck, making your breath quicken. He pushed his jacket from your shoulders, letting it fall to the floor in the middle of the hallway as he found his way back to your mouth, and began walking you through the dark house towards his bedroom. You hit the edge of the bed faster than you’d been prepared for, falling backwards with a giggle and a soft thud. Roger laughed as you scooted backwards towards the centre of the bed, and followed you, slightly more gracefully than you managed. Moonlight streamed through the partially open curtains, bathing you both in a soft light that made him look somehow more gorgeous, and you couldn’t quite believe this was happening. Hovering over you he began unbuttoning your blouse, his lips wandering over your sternum and down towards your chest. You moved to unfasten the buttons and zip on your pants, trying to speed up the process.   “Someone’s in a hurry,”   “Want you so bad Roger. Been a while since I did this and god I need it.”   “How long’s a while?” he paused midway through pushing your shirt down your arms.   “Umm... Months, not sure how many.”   “Christ. If you wanna slow down...”   “Don’t slow down.” You leaned up to kiss him again, to show him how eager you were, “Just don’t try anything too crazy, I’m a little out of practice.” You pulled your shirt off and throw it to the floor. “Noted,” Roger said as he began tugging your pants off and dropped them to the floor as well, “I’m gonna make sure the wait was worth it though.” He lowered his head towards your thigh and you couldn’t stop the giggle that bubbled up in your throat.   “Oh, you’re ticklish!” his face lit up in cheeky delight as he brought his hands up to your sides, making you squeal and writhe as you tried to escape the sensation. Every twitch of his fingers pulled more laughter from you until you were panting and struggling to say his name, begging him to stop. “You’ve got such a cute laugh,” he said as he removed his hands from you, dropping a small kiss just below your bellybutton as you tried to catch your breath, “can’t wait to hear what you sound like moaning.” You could feel him smirking as he left another kiss, lower than the first, on your skin and you let out a breathy whine. He kissed lower still, leading down to your still clothed pussy and the small wet spot that had appeared over the course of the night, as you pushed yourself up on your forearms to watch. When a kiss landed over the top of your clit your hips bucked and when he wrapped his lips round the wet spot, sucking the soaked material into his mouth you whined again. He was clearly enjoying teasing you, the tent in his pants more obvious with every passing moment.  “You want some help with that?” you indicated his noticeable bulge but Roger told you to hush. “I’m not the one that’s gone without for months. Just lie back and let me take care of you.” With that he finally tugged your underwear down your legs, and you let your head fall back against the pillow.  

Roger didn’t hesitate, pushing your legs further open as he dived in to lick your pussy. He took his time, covering almost every inch of you with his mouth, listening to your whines and whimpers so he could find where you were most sensitive, but steadily avoiding your clit. When he sucked one of your lips into his mouth you moaned and he made sure to repeat the action, sending a jolt through you each time. You were already babbling about how good it felt, breathless words rolling off your tongue with no rhyme or reason, bleeding into each other and the moans that followed, when he began to tease your entrance, pushing his finger tip in and letting it slip back out as you tried to clench around it.   “Aren’t you just so needy,” he said as he sunk his finger into you, deeper this time, and let it slip out again, “haven’t even touched your clit and you’re already close to cumming for me,” he continued to finger you slowly, pushing deeper each time until it was buried knuckle deep in your core. Then he began again, adding a second finger, as he returned his mouth to your wet folds. You whined his name as the pit in your stomach began to ache with the need for release, and put your hand on the back of his head trying to press him closer. Roger scissored his fingers inside you for a moment before he brought them to a complete halt. You whimpered at the sudden change but didn’t have time to reprimand him as he finally brought his mouth to your clit, flicking his tongue back and forth over it. It felt fucking incredible but the pressure wasn’t consistent enough to push you over the edge.   “Oh fuck. Roger I’m so close,” “I know, can feel you clenching round my fingers.”   You bucked your hips again, trying to get the friction you needed and felt Roger laugh, his breath ghosting over your pussy.   “Want to hear you scream my name when you cum. Let everyone know who makes you feel this good.” He pressed his tongue against your clit before sucking it between his lips, at the same time he made a come-hither motion with his two fingers. Within seconds you were coming undone, moaning his name loudly, as per his request. He held you there, blissed out beyond belief, eyes closed as you rode out the orgasm, quivering slightly as his fingers twitched inside you.   “So was that worth waiting for?”    You blinked as you came back to reality and found Roger looking up at you, his head resting against your thigh as he drew random patterns over your stomach.   “You realise It’s been months since I last had sex not since I last had an orgasm, right? Like, I do know how to masturbate,” a pause, “But yes, well worth it,” you conceded with a smile.   Roger flashed you the cockiest grin you’d ever seen, “told you so.” He crawled back over you and you could taste yourself on his lips as he kissed you hungrily, “and by the way,” he said breaking the kiss, “you masturbating is something I would be very interested in watching. But right now, all I want is to be buried in your gorgeous cunt. The way you felt around my fingers, fuck, want you on my cock so bad.”   You hummed as you kissed him, “Think I can make that happen,” you said before rolling the both of you over so you were leaning over him.   “Condoms are in the top draw” he pointed at his bedside table as you hurried to undo his fly and pull his pants and underwear down his legs.   “I’ll get it, you get those clothes off.”   “Yes ma’am,” he said, already ripping his shirt over his head. You saw it fall to the floor as you dug around the draw, followed by the sound of him kicking his pants off his feet. His cock was already standing at attention when you got back to the bed, tearing open the condom wrapper with your teeth.   “Might have to take this a bit slow,” you said as you rolled the condom down his shaft. Roger nodded as you took hold of his cock to line him up with your entrance. His breath caught in his throat as you slowly sunk down on him, taking your time as you adjusted to the unfamiliar and complete fullness.    “Christ, fuck,” you swore under your breath as you took him a little deeper and paused again.   “Stole the words right outta my mouth,” he grunted, squeezing your hips, “fuck, you okay?”   “Told you I was out of practice,” your laugh turned into a moan as you lowered yourself the last inch or so, sheathing him fully inside you. Roger moved his hands to squeeze your breasts as your breaths turned to pants. You slowly began rocking your hips, the room filing with your gasps and whines as you picked up speed.    “Fuck, want to be buried in your cunt forever.” he gasped out as you began raising and lowering yourself on your knees, needing more more more.  “Roger, ohh god, rub my clit, please,”   He didn’t need to be told twice, letting one hand drop down where you needed it. His touch sent a shiver down your spine and your back arched as his name dripped from your lips again. This only encouraged Roger who sped up the furious circles he was making on your clit. You felt yourself hurtling towards another orgasm as your pussy clenched.   “Gonna cum soon,” Roger’s hips jerked up as he grunted his warning.  “Same,” you said as you leaned forward to suck a hickey onto his collarbone. It wasn’t much longer before he was calling out your name as he hit his climax, and pulling you into yours with his fingers still on your clit.  

You collapsed on your side next to him, still breathing heavily. Roger left the bed long enough to dispose of the used condom before he was back, pulling you against him and throwing the covers over the two of you.   “I’ll call a cab in a moment,” you said, voice thick with exhaustion.   “Don’t be daft.”   “Not gonna kick me out?”   “Course not. Jesus, what d’you take me for.”   “Good. I’m too comfy to move anyway.”   “Good. I like having you in my bed.”   You hummed as his arms tightened around you and you felt him drop a kiss to the back of your neck. You could feel your eyes drooping but fought off sleep for as long as you could, not wanting the moment to end. Letting your fingers trail softly over Roger’s hand which was flung over your stomach, you listened as his breathing slowed and became deeper. Smiling into the pillow you finally let yourself succumb to sleep.  

When you woke up you were alone and slightly confused by your unfamiliar surroundings.   Oh, fuck...  Things started coming back to you as you took in the clothing still littering the floor. You hurried to dress yourself in yesterday’s clothes and then made your way out of the room, wanting to find a phone to call a cab from. You found Roger first, following the sound of the kettle through the house to the kitchen. He was standing over the stove, back to the doorway and you allowed yourself a moment to look him over in the daylight before you caught his attention.   “Morning,”   He whipped around at the sound of your voice, “Morning. I was gonna bring breakfast up to you.” He held up the spatula he was clutching as proof of his intentions.   “Thanks, but I should probably get going.”   “Already?” You were surprised by the note of disappointment in his voice.   “That’s how this sort of thing normally works, isn’t it?”   “Told you last night I’m not gonna kick you out.”   You hesitated.   “It’s a free meal, love, might as well stay. Nothing to lose.”   There were those words again. They reverberated through your head and you found yourself sitting down. Roger smiled as he turned back around to the stove, shuffling fry pans and plates around as he served the breakfast.   “I hope bacon and eggs are okay,” he said as he placed your plate in front of you.   “Brilliant,” you suddenly realised just how hungry you were, not having eaten properly since lunch yesterday.   “Dig in, don’t wait for me. Tea?”   “Yes please. No milk, two sugars.”   “Can I ask you something? About last night?”   “Yeah,” you said, a forkful of food halfway to your mouth as your stomach began to twist with nerves.   “What made you change your mind?” He put the tea down in front of you, “You were going to go home and then you changed your mind. What was it that convinced you to stay?”   “You’ve got nothing to lose. You said that to me and I realised you were right.” You shrugged as you brought the fork to your mouth, “Plus, no one had ever kissed me like that before.”   “I was giving you my A game, had to impress you.”   “I was worth A game?”   “Course, couldn’t give such an incredible woman less than that”   “You flatterer,” you laughed, “It had been a while though, I probably would have been happy with C game.”   “Well I didn’t find that out till later did I.” He took a sip of his tea, staring at you over the top of his cup. “Out of curiosity, why had it been so long? Something to do with the lack of A game kissing?” he teased.   “I mean, it was a factor.” You could hear the indignation creeping into your voice and willed it away, “Not everyone has mountains of groupies after them.” So much for no indignation.   “No need to get defensive,” Roger held both his hands up, palms towards you, “wasn’t judging.”   “Sorry. It’s a bit of a sore spot is all.”   “No, you’re fine. I shouldn’t pry.”   “Truth is I haven’t dated much. And none of the guys I did date were any good. Recently it’s just been easier to put work first.”   “Does that mean I’m the best you’ve ever had,” his cocky grin from the previous night was back and you couldn’t help but laugh.   “Yes, but it was a very very low bar.”   “I’ll take what I can get.” He looked you over, seeming like he wanted to say something else but wasn’t sure how, “I had the best time with you last night and I was thinking y’know...maybe this doesn’t have to end here. Let me take you out tomorrow night on a proper date.” “Let me guess… I’ve got nothing to lose?” you laughed.   “That a yes?”   “Yes.”  

You left Roger’s place a little while later, heading home to sink into a hot bath and relax, and barely thought about anything besides him until he picked you up the next night. Your first official date went well – dinner, drinks, making out in the car before he dropped you home. You invited him inside but he wanted to prove he was interested in you for reasons besides that, instead leaving you with lips tingling from a long deep kiss as he departed, and the immediate need to masturbate. He took you out again the next night and again two days after that. Before you knew it, you were three months into your relationship, spending more and more time with him. You introduced him to your friends and family and met his in return. To the outside world you were still the same intelligent and accomplished woman, but now you also had an enviable relationship which seemed to get you more attention than your work did, though Roger was always the first to brag about it. He loved showing you off, telling anyone who’d listen about your work, pulling you into conversations so people could see you were just as bright and self-assured and brilliant as he’d told them you were. More than once you found yourself in a deep discussion with someone he’d been talking to, and caught him staring at you like he’d never seen anything more beautiful. It made your chest burst every time. The way he celebrated every aspect of you, cared enough to ask about your day and pressed for details about your job. Even when you disagreed about something, he’d hear you out, maybe with an eye roll, but he genuinely cared about your thoughts and opinions.  

Which made it easier to take yourself less seriously and loosen up a little. Your work was still incredibly important and something you cared deeply about, but now that you had Roger it was easier to admit you’d been spending too much time at the office. Using it as an excuse to avoid the terrifying unknowns of life and the impending future you hadn’t been able to imagine. Where before the question ‘where do you see yourself in five years’ would have caused anxiety that led to a week’s worth of overtime and insomnia, now you were able to confidently say, “I might not know but I hope it’s with Roger.” You smiled more around him, laughed more. He could turn you into a silly giggling fool with one look, and that was the most freeing feeling you’d ever experienced. You had nothing to prove to Roger. You didn’t have to make him see you how you wanted to be seen, like you’d had to do within your studies and work, because he already saw you as wonderful. And frankly you liked the person you were with him more than you’d liked the person you were alone.  

And then there was the sex. You’d never believed people when they talked about the incredible sex they were regularly having. Never understood why everyone made such a big deal about it. In your experience it wasn’t worth it. Roger had quickly changed your mind. On your third official date he agreed to go back to your place but you’d spent most of the night talking about sex rather than actually having any. The topic of your limited experience had come up again and Roger was trying to gauge what you'd already tried.   “Yes, I’ve sucked dick before,” you rolled your eyes as you stood to fill your empty wine glass, waving it round as you spoke, “not my favourite thing ever if I’m being honest but no one ever complained about my techniques.”   “Hand job?”   “Is that a request?” You raised your eyebrows and took a sip of your wine.   “Stop trying to get my pants off, love,” he laughed, “You’re the one who keeps saying you’ve never had good sex, ‘m just trying to find out what you have had, so I can decide how to blow your mind next.”   “If you really must know, all the guys I’ve been with were fairly bad at it. Only two of them made me cum regularly and even then it was a one and done situation. You did more to blow my mind on our not-quite-a-one-night-stand than anyone else has.”   “Keep talking like that and you’ll give me a big head.”   “As if you don’t already have one.” You dropped yourself into his lap, giggling at the small ‘oof’ of surprise he let out, and wrapped your arms around his neck.   “Alright, alright. So, what’s the kinkiest you’ve done then?”   “Does being eaten out count as kinky?” “God, are you serious?”   “No, I did convince one of them to spank me once which was fun. Hinted that I might want to try more, being tied up and stuff, but he wasn’t into it.”   “Christ, no wonder you gave up on dating,”   “I wouldn’t say gave up, just put it on the back burner.”   “Well it’s a good thing you met me then.” he said, looking up into your eyes, “I’d be very happy to tie you up, and stuff.”   A shiver ran down your spine at the suggestion, “Really? You’re into it?”   “Oh, love, we are going to have some fun. You’ve got -”   “Nothing to lose,” you finished before leaning down to kiss him.”

The longer you were together the more you found yourself thinking about sex. It was like meeting Roger had flipped a switch inside your brain, set off some sort of chemical reaction that made your blood run hot and your skin tingle with the need to be touched. Suddenly you cared about sex, wanted it, even dreamt about it. You had years of bad sex and dry spells to erase and Roger was only too happy to help. To his credit he never rushed you or pushed you to try things you weren’t comfortable with and he always made sure you were safe as he slowly opened your eyes to new things. It started out small, a light spanking one night, since you already had experience with it and liked it. He used it as an excuse to question you more about what else you’d be interested in trying, promising to reward you with another hit for every answer you gave him. At first you’d felt self-conscious, especially when asked to describe what you’d fantasised about. But soon enough he’d had you admitting to everything you’d ever wanted to try, desperately trying to earn another spank as you slowly dripped onto his knee. And then he’d praised you for answering so well and god you could have cum from that alone, the three fingers he'd pressed into you were just a bonus.  

Your answers gave him ideas for what to try next. Adding handcuffs or blindfolds when he fucked you, calling you degrading names while you tried out words like Sir or Master for him, testing how they felt on your tongue and deciding which you liked. Pulling you into public restrooms and other secluded spaces because you admitted that the danger of being caught was a turn on. He’d use your own ideas against you until you were begging, often times for more. He was particularly fond of bringing up the fantasy you’d had of being turned into a silly, giggly, dumb slut – empty headed and eager to please. It was something you’d developed a penchant for back at uni, a fantasy you turned to when the pressure to be smarter than everyone else got too much, though you’d never actually told anyone about it before. The idea of him knowing – of anyone knowing – your desire to be a brainless bimbo was terrifying and exciting and every time he mentioned it you got goosebumps and butterflies. He’d lean in close to your ear, running his hands through your hair, and tell you that a good slut had no use for her brain. That you should just let it go. What could you possibly have to think about besides being pretty and filling your holes however he wanted? It was so easy to sit and listen, let his words fill your head until there wasn’t room for anything else, just the need to please him. It was your favourite release when work was stressful and tough, and for the last week that’s all work had been. Between the land deal you were trying to organise taking longer than you’d planned and the constant juggling of calls to contractors for quotes and calls to estate agents to renegotiate terms, everything was getting to be too much. You just needed to forget about everything for a little while.  

So, when Roger got home that evening, he found you waiting, wearing the tightest, skimpiest clothes you owned – a skirt that only just covered your lace panty clad arse, and a low-cut singlet over a bra that pushed your tits together, plus the tallest heels you owned. It was the sort of outfit you only wore when you wanted to be his brainless toy. It helped you drop into your new role faster, helped your brain melt away.   “Everything okay?” He asked as he pulled you into a hug. “Yeah, just need a break. If you’re up for it?”   “Course, love. You know I love playing with my bimbo doll.”   You hugged him tighter, trying to convey how much you loved him with one gesture, already feeling slightly tingly. He led you to the couch, sitting you down to face him.

“Just need a break from all that noise in your pretty head, don’t you?” His voice sounded different to when he’d first come in, softer and calmer but more authoritative, “all that stress from work. Just need to listen to my voice and slowly sink deeper down, away from your brain, away from everything bad and stressful. And the more stressful things are, the more worries and noise in that silly brain, the faster you sink down down down until you can’t remember anything anymore. Down deeper, where there’s nothing to lose. Where there’s no need for big words. Where the only thing that matters is being a good doll for Sir. Pleasing Sir. Because pleasing Sir makes you happy and horny, doesn’t it?   “Yes,” you sighed softly, a wet spot already beginning to form as you stared into his eyes. “It’s so simple, so easy, isn’t it my pretty, silly, slut. So simple and easy to leave your mind behind.”   You breathed deep as Roger’s hands glided through your hair, gently smoothing it back, his fingernails running over your scalp and down down down to push it behind your ear.   “That’s right, just relax. You’ve got nothing to lose by listening and relaxing. Thinking about how fun it is to be simple and easy.”   Your eyes were shut, though you didn’t remember closing them. You felt Roger’s hand move further down your hair, splitting it into sections, running his fingers through it to smooth it out.   “You like being simple and easy, don’t you? Simple and easy and fun and dumb. My pretty, silly, bimbo.”   He was winding your hair round his fingers, moving slowly and gently, sending tingles down your spine as you took another deep breath. A whimper dropped from your lips and you could almost feel your mind emptying with every word he spoke, letting go of the day, the meetings, the harried phone calls, the forms you had to sign. All of it was so unimportant compared to his voice.   “And d’you wanna know the best part about you being like this?”   “Yes.” If you’d been able to think properly you would have said your voice had changed too. Higher pitched than normal. Brighter and bubblier.   “The best part about you being simple and easy and fun and dumb, is how hot it is. How wet you get. Isn’t that right?”   “Yes,” you giggled, “hot and wet.”   “Good girl,”   You giggled again, his praise making what was left of your brain feel mushy and happy. Roger chuckled at your giggly, giddy response, letting his fingers slip out the bottom of your hair and onto your arms. You shivered at his touch, face breaking into a smile.   “Feels good being touched when you’re like this. Simple and easy and fun and dumb. You want me to keep touching you?”   You whimpered, “yes,” breath coming out in pants as his hands slipped down your arms, setting your skin aflame.   “Yeah, you like that. Got nothing to lose by being touched. Just feels good.”   “Yeah, feels so good,” you giggled and you heard Roger chuckle in response.   “Open your eyes for me, wanna see your pretty eyes,”   Your eyes shot open and you beamed at Roger.   “You like when I compliment you, don’t you?”   “Yeah,” you giggled again, feeling bubblier and lighter now that you could see his reactions. His hands had slipped down to your own, tracing patterns softly over your skin, between your fingers, tapping over your nails.   “Like, when I tell you how cute you sound right now, all giggly. A silly, giggly slut.”   Your response was so predictable, Roger was smiling even before you started to giggle again.   “How do you feel, love?”   “Ummmm, fuzzy. Happy.”   His hands slipped further, landing on your thighs and slipping over your knees, making a wave of arousal roll through your body and a soft whine roll off your tongue.   “Yeah? Do you remember those four words I used to describe you earlier?”   You thought for a moment, furrowing your brow as you searched for the right words, “dumb?”   “Yes, that was one of them, do you remember the other three?”   “Umm,” you stared at Roger, mouth slightly open, “horny?”   Roger laughed again.   “Dumb and horny.... and... easy?”   “That’s right, but horny wasn’t one of the four words.”   “Oh,”   “But that’s okay, you feel horny, don’t you? D’you want me to tell you the four words?”   You nodded fast. “Simple and easy and fun and …?”   “Dumb!”   “Good girl.” He leaned in, brushing his nose against yours as you laughed again, “And now that my pretty bimbo doll has nothing left to lose, all dumb and mindless, what does she want to do?”   "Ummmm,”   “What is it?”   “I want to suck your cock, Sir,”   “Is that so? Thought you said you didn’t like sucking cock.”   “Noooooo, I love sucking your cock Sir.”   Roger looked so amused by your answer you couldn’t help but giggle, even though you didn’t quite understand why. All you knew was you wanted to please him, that pleasing him made you feel good.

As soon as you heard the jangle of Roger unbuckling his belt your mouth fell open and your tongue stuck out. He moved around so his leg was stretched out down the length of the couch, his other hanging over the edge, with you kneeling in between. Slowly, his eyes glued on you, he unzipped his fly and pushed his pants down his hips enough to let his cock spring free. You waited patiently for his word, watching as he grasped his shaft and lazily stroked along it. Your mouth was almost watering as your desire to lick and suck grew, drowning out everything else.   “God you’re cute. Practically drooling. Ready to show me what a desperate cockslut you are?”   You hummed, replacing Roger’s hand with your own, wrapping it around his base as you kitten licked at his tip. He sighed softly as you took him into your mouth, relaxing further into the couch, and you felt a small burst of pleasure pulse through you. It spurred you on and you sunk lower, taking more of him, before rising back up to swirl your tongue around his tip. He groaned and you were hit by another jolt between your legs. Every noise you pulled from him set you on fire, the pit in your stomach tightening, your cunt dripping, only encouraging you to suck harder and take him deeper. His fist tangled in your hair, holding you down as you gagged around him. Looking up with watering eyes you could see Roger had dropped his head back, his lips silently forming words he couldn’t get out, lost in the sensation of being in your throat. It was enough to make you moan and redouble your efforts, bobbing up and down faster, working him as deep as he could go.   “Fuck, Y/N” Roger choked out, “gonna make me cum soon,”   You released him with a pop, unable to stop the grin the crept onto your face.   “You like the idea of me cumming down your throat?”   “So much, Sir!”   “What about the idea of you cumming?”   “If that pleases Sir, yes”   “You’ve been such a good doll, think you deserve the reward. But only after you’ve swallowed all my cum okay?”   “Promise, Sir,” “That’s enough talking now, wanna hear you gagging instead,” he tapped your head and you leaned down, letting him slip all the way back down your throat. His grip returned to your hair, pulling you up and then pushing you down again, showing you the speed at which you should be moving. You fell into rhythm, breaking the pattern every now and then to hollow your cheeks around his tip or lick along the underside of his cock or gulp for air, before finding the rhythm again.   “So close, fuck, so so close,”   Your movement was suddenly halted as he pressed down on the back of your head, making you choke. You tried to move, needing another gasp of air but he held you down as he came, coating your throat with hot spurts of cum. You swallowed every drop he gave you, your body surging with the electric knowledge you’d pleased him so much, tingling from head to toe.  

“Did you enjoy yourself?” He sat up, brushing his fingertips over your cheek.   “So much, Sir! I love your cock,” you giggled, leaning forward to drop a quick peck to the head, “love drinking your cum.”   “And you’re so good at it. My pretty, cocksucking doll. Do you still wanna cum?”   “ummm, yes?” You didn’t really care if you got to cum, you just wanted to make your Sir happy.   “I’d like to watch you cum,”   “Then yes!” another giggle.   “Then why don’t you sit that cute cunt right here,” he patted his thigh, “and show me what a good slut you are.” You settled yourself over him, hitching your skirt up in the process, so you could grind against him, still wearing the skimpy panties you’d picked out. A moan escaped you as you rolled your hips and Roger placed his hands on them, to keep you pressed firmly against him as you rocked yourself closer to your release. You were already so worked up it didn’t take long for you to reach the edge, whimpering as Roger’s grip tightened. “That’s right, cum for me,” His permission was all you needed to let yourself fall over the edge with a gasp. You felt so light and happy, buzzing with pride and the knowledge that your Sir wanted to see you fall apart. You shuddered and fell forward as the orgasm washed over you, leaning your forehead against Roger’s chest. He wrapped his arms around you, pressing his lips to the top of your head as you shivered through the orgasm.   “So beautiful,” he was playing with your hair again and you hummed at how good it felt. “That’s right, just relax, listen and relax and come back. Nothing to lose by coming back. Back to who you were before. Who you are. So simple, so easy to come back. Relax into it. Relax back into yourself. Letting go of the bimbo. So easy to come back to your mind.”   You took a deep breath as you returned to yourself. More aware of everything around you. The salty taste of Roger’s cum on your tongue. The warm, wet feeling between your legs. The scent of Roger’s cologne as you breathed deeply. You sighed contentedly as the giddy, giggly lightness you’d felt slowly faded and the real world came back to you. Roger’s eyes found yours as he tilted your head up, searching them for anything amiss.   “Hey,” he said softly rubbing your arm soothingly, “how was that, you okay?” “That was exactly what I needed. Thank you.” You pecked him on the lips. “You’re very welcome. You wanna talk about work?”   “I’ll tell you about it later. Right now I’m,” you shifted slightly, still straddling his thigh, “still a little worked up actually. Race you to the bedroom?” Roger’s lips slammed against yours as he held you tightly, the kiss heated and hungry, “who need’s a bedroom when there’s a perfectly fine couch here. Time I repaid you for the fucking fantastic blow job.” You squealed as you found yourself on your back, Roger pulling your soaked underwear off hurriedly.  

To the world at large you were a well-respected, intelligent, and accomplished woman with an enviable relationship. And you were. All that and more. But you knew, and Roger knew, that deep down you were just a silly, giggly, dumb slut, who loved sex and craved cock and lived to please. Just a pretty bimbo who had no use for anything besides her Sir. And really, what more could you possibly want.  

[hargroves-dingus]

fire meets gasoline | b.h x v.h

pairings: Billy Hargrove x Veronica Hopper (O.C), Hopper!AdoptiveDad x Veronica Hopper, Eleven!AdoptiveSister x Veronica Hopper

summary: Billy was the new kid. Veronica was the ‘damaged’ kid. Both with similar walls, they were bound to bump into each other, multiple times apparently. Especially when fire is drawn to gasoline.

warnings: moderate swearing??

a/n: lemme know if you want to be tagged in future parts dudes :)

CHAPTER ONE

Pulling into the all too familiar building that was Hawkins High, I ran my hands through my hair, studying the array of students bustling into the busy halls. “Thanks for the ride Ronnie.” Turning my gaze to the right, I softly smiled at the young brunette next to me. “Anytime El. Still want me to pick you up from the arcade tonight?” She uttered a, “Yes please.” before disappearing off into her group of friends. When Hopper brought her home, I wasn’t pleased. It wasn’t unusual for him to bring in a stray, after all he did that for me, but I was afraid she wouldn’t fit in. But was I wrong. El soon enough became a sister to me; late nights gossiping about boys, doing our hair and watching The Golden Girls. Often Hopper would huff something about wishing there was more testosterone in the house, but at the end of the day he wouldn’t have it any other way – there was nothing more he loved than both of his girls.

Slamming shut the car door, I leaned back, prolonging my dreaded entrance to the gates of hell by watching the people around me. It was the usual. Steve and Nancy looking all dopey eyed and loved up, Jonathan walking in alone, and like their routine Tommy, Carol and Nicole stood chatting away. But their gaze was sent in another direction and as I followed it, it led me to him. His dirty blonde curls adorned his head, and his cocky stature stood taking in the view around him, his shirt was unbuttoned one button too low but I did not mind at all, and the denim jacket hung perfectly on his shoulders, and don’t get me started on those jeans. God, those jeans. But when he turned around, that’s when it happened. You see, this is the moment that I felt my body go cold yet fluster up with all kinds of heat. We locked eyes, and his lips pulled into this smirk, this type of smirk that meant only bad things. I knew that with the arrival of whoever the hell this was, everything was going to change. How could it not?

He sauntered over to me, pure cockiness and lust dripping off him with every step. As he stopped in front of me, he rested his hand on the car next to my head leaving barely any space between us. “Im Billy. Hargrove.” His deep, husky voice matched his exterior: being sultry and inviting in all the wrong ways. You knew this boy would ruin your life. But you’d let him anyway. “You’re new.” It wasn’t a question. In a town like Hawkins, everybody knew everybody, and there was no way someone like him would have gone under the radar. For a few seconds, it was if he wasn’t paying attention to what I said, as he obviously looked at my body, uncaring I knew he was checking me out. “That obvious, huh?” He cocked an eyebrow, enticing me in. Glancing to the side, Carol and her clique were glaring green at me, eyes full of envy. “Would remember a face like yours, handsome.” He chuckled, replacing his sultry smirk with a real smile, and you could tell me has never heard the word ‘no’ from a girl. Not with a goddamn smile like that. “She’s got charm; she’s got looks…” I leant forward, this time copying his actions of looking at him up and down and he was taken back slightly, not expecting me to be so forward. “She’s also got bite.” Before he could respond, the first period bell echoed in the parking lot, and I gently nudged past him to walk to the doors. “Hey! I didn’t your name!” He laughed, slightly bewildered, amused even. Turning around to face him, I smiled before winking. “That’s because I didn’t tell you, handsome.”

*  *  *

Checking my watch, it read 4:36, I arrived at the arcade at exactly 4:30 hoping El would have been waiting, but like usual she was late. I grabbed my copy of The Great Gatsby which was practically falling apart from the amount of times I had read and re-read it. It was my favourite book of all time, I never really understood why. Maybe it was the fact that the 20’s seemed like such a mesmerising time to live. Endless parties, men in suits, full on glamour. It captivated me. I didn’t even finish my page before a knocking came from my window, which I rolled down without averting my gaze, assuming El would ask if she could stay another hour or so. “There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.”The voice wasn’t one I expected yet it was one that I knew. And as I looked at the owner of said voice, somehow he looked better than he did this morning. “Gatsby? Wouldn’t have taken you as a Fitzgerald fan, Billy, hell- a book fan at that.” Feigning a hurt look, he placed his hand on his heart. “I’m more than a pretty face, princess.” Narrowing my eyes, I placed my book on the passenger seat. “I’m not a princess.”

“Oh no, Veronica Hopper,” He found out my name. He wanted me to know, he knew my name.“From what I’ve heard, you have quite the reputation.” As he said this, so many thoughts crossed my mind. I wasn’t popular at school. If I didn’t throw such a punch, or have quite the big mouth I did, I’m sure Carol or Tommy would have fun with me. Maybe it was because I wasn’t people-orientated, or maybe it’s because I was adopted, or maybe there is no fucking reason expect people are shitty. But I ignored all the bad stuff they could’ve told him. If it was that bad, he wouldn’t have spoken to me again after this morning. “Scare you, Hargrove?”

“Nothing scares me, princess.” Crouching down, his head was practically inside the car. “Bullshit.” I laughed, crossing my arms. And with that, his eyes lost his playful glitter, as if an actual barrier went up between his eyes and me. “It’s not.”

“Everyone is scared of something.” Shrugging, I leant forward, my elbows perching on the opened window, head in hand. “What about you then, little miss fearless?” His voice was quiet, brooding as he pushed my hair behind my ear slowly, his touch lingering. My breath hitched, and he noticed, smirking at the affect he had on me, before I managed to whisper out, “Why would I tell you that?” There were a few moments of silence. Both of us not knowing what to say, just staring at each other.

“Billy!” Breaking out of our trance, he pushed himself off the car, “See you around, princess.” Winking, he started to walk off with a little redheaded girl, who I assumed to be Max, El right behind her, running up to us. “Ronnie? Can Max come for a sleep over tonight?” Max soon was right behind her, both girls smiling widely. “I don’t have an issue with it. Dad probably won’t either. Billy?” Max snapped to face her brother, hands clasped to her chin. “Please Billy?”

“I’ll follow your car.”

The girls thanked us right up until they each got into their cars and immediately El turned to me as I started driving. At first, she was silent, expecting me to talk first, but she grew impatient, sighing dramatically. “You and Billy?”

“What about me and Billy?” The monotone manner of my voice was my way of warning her to back off, not wanting to talk to her about him. It wasn’t some sort of normal boy stuff, he’s cute, I’d marry him and have his children, this was sex stuff.  “Are you dating?”

“I met him this morning.” Rolling my eyes, I didn’t even look at her, wanting nothing more than this conversation to end. “You like him.” She teased, laughing. “No I don’t” I huffed, “He… intrigues me.”

*  *  *

As soon as they left the cars, they ran to the front door, quickly leaving our sight, presumably to El’s bedroom, and I laughed at their antics. How I wished to be that young again, full of innocence, you believe that the world is anything you want it to be. “So” He breathed, “I’ll pick the little shit up tomorrow, not sure what time.” He leant back on his Camaro, arms folded, a brooding look plastered onto his face. “Or you could come inside for a bit.” I shrugged, not really giving him an option as I walked into the house without his reply, not quite sure if he was actually following me. The slam of the front door behind me confirmed it, and I had to supress the smirk on my face.

Wandering to the kitchen, I picked up two glasses, “Drink?” and placed them on the counter, opening the fridge to get the premade strawberry milkshake for me. “Water.” I guided him to the sofa, where we sat ourselves and he scoffed at the pink liquid in my glass. “So you’re this bad bitch who still drinks pink milkshakes?” Laughing, I shook my head, placing the glass on the coffee table in front of us. “Don’t mock my milkshakes, they taste good.” I positioned myself to lay with my back on the arm of the chair, legs tucked to my chest. “Not the only thing that tastes good, princess.” He placed his hand on my right knee, lightly pushing it down, so he could fully see my face. Which was one of slight shock, entice and fluster. “Yeah, the chocolate ones are really good too.” I casually said, removing myself from the sofa, feeling myself get pulled in by his charms. Leaning his head back he groaned loudly which morphed into a laugh, turning towards me he pointed at me, “You’re impossible.”

“Try harder then, handsome.”

It wasn’t long before Billy went home, not wanting the sheriff to completely kill him if he found him in his house with his daughter, and as I lay in bed that night, somehow he was still in my thoughts. He wasn’t like any other guy in Hawkins. Because he isn’t from Hawkins. He was a fire in amongst those of water.

-----------

taglist:

@katiexdacre 

@httpakasha

@yaidothat

[machiavelliankaiser]

Im so glad i changed my name, im so glad that im able to slowly shrug off peices of who I dont want to be. Slowly but, its progress. I look at my 16 year old self with such jealousy, old me had so much energy. I was annoying but I was almost always finding ways to be happy. I was outgoing, i loved to go out and meet people and cosplay and laugh. Nowadays, ethier due to age, lupus, or maybe the depression I let fester for top long Im so..

Tired?

Everything feels kinda fake, like a haze, i feel like im trapped in the shell of my body. I want to do things and break out. Make memories and yell. I feel like i was able to gain SOME of that back at cce. when i was with all my friends. Somehow, I didnt let the anxiety consume me. I walked around alone. I hate admitting it but sometimes my favorite parts of cons are when I just, go. I sneak off when everyones asleep. I CASUALLY run an errand to grab food. Then I just smile, im alone waiting in some con line and Im so happy. I got that happy back finally.

I crashed after, i felt like a stupid kid again. "Post con depression" had never been worst. I felt like I was loosing my mind. I didnt want to go back to work, back to stress, back in my head. I wanted one more day to sit and bury a new friend in mulch. Chase down a kiddie train screaming. Drink. Smoke. Anythng. But it was over. I was sad. I was scared.

I think talking about suicide is so serious and perminate. I could never take my own life, I have times where I understand it on and off. I have times where i wish I could poof away into a void. But death is my biggest fear. Its the end, qnd even if my life is mundane and im unhappy Id never want it to end i dont think.

This post became so long, maybe because I havent let myself post. I tried writing on paper. Taking walks. But nothing feels quite as nice as writing a ranty wall of text I might delete later. Its just word vomit im getting out.

This all started today because I was talking to riley. Its the anniversary of when he went to the psyche ward. I remeber being so so so upset. I was so upset my best friend had wanted to die. Maybe i wasnt enough? But being here now, I realize it isnt like that. Ethier way Im glad riley is around.

Whenever I talk to him i feel my shell break a little, I feel like kira and not like some empty container. Im so happy we reconnected, it makes everything.. easier? I can't talk to anyone how I can talk to riley. What we talk about can be so sad but I always feel so happy and uplifted to just.. talk. Say anything. Any sad or happy thing it doesnt matter with your best friend. One day I hope we are both better.

Im turning 21 this year. I cant believe that, Im going to be *21*. Ive been drinking since 16, so its not to special other then "oldnow!". I still cant drive, I still dont have my GED, fuck i still havent even changed my address after a year of living here or gotten insurance. I need to see a doctor, but secretly I put it off because im scared. Im scared to go in a learnive gotten worst. I know im going to get worst its fucki g lupus. I dont want to keep hearing about how long I've got, or how i should quit my job due to health, or any other stupid limitations because of a body and sickness i didnt ask for!

Im so angry about that. Im angry about being sick. Im angry about all the bad things that happened to me. Im angry because I didnt ask for that, I tried to be a good person my whole life, so why did I have to be so sick and sad? I dont want to cry every day anymore im scared.

Half my ffriends feel disconnected from me, maybe because im not the person i used to be. Or maybe they changed. Or maybe anything. I wish I had moore people that it felt like they WANTED to talk to me like Riley and Mitchell. To everyone else Im kinda annoying you know? I keep writing. I didnt except this. I didnt know i felt so much.

Im glad I have dnd, one piece, homestuck. I wish I never learned that shit about my dad though, I thought he was the "good" parent you know? I guess its easy to think that way whrn the other one just screamed at you and used to whack you with hair brushes.

I wonder if my mom knows I still hit myself in the head with a hair brush when i fully breakdown for whatever reason. I wonder if anyone whos hurt me ever thinks about how long ive been hurt and effected by it.

I need to stop talking.

I keep saying ill learn to drive or go back to school, but i think truthfully I need another year to ju as t fix my head. This got sad at the end but i think im finally slowly piecing stuff together. I feel so ashmed of that but i need to let that go.

Today im going to go on a date, and feel better. Thats my goal. My goal is just ro be happy.

[tehnardier]

Everything Changes — Jonathan Byers

Pairings: Jonathan Byers x Reader; mention of Jonathan Byers x Nancy Wheeler

Words: 2269

Requests: “hi! could i please request a being in a love triangle with jonathan and nancy headcanon? thanks xx” by anonymous

“Hey lovely! Do you mind doing a jonathan byers HC of the reader and him studying together, they keep glancing at eachother and smiling and it's cute and fluffy and he kisses the reader eventually and yea just cute stuff all around :D” by anonymous

Summary: Y/N starts ignoring Jonathan after the events of season 2, he then decides to face her.

Warnings: cursing, mentions of cheating and it’s very angsty (but there’s also a lot of fluff to make up to it)

A/N: this took me two whole days to write, and at the beginning i was loving it but now i think i wrote and rewrote it so many times that im not sure if i think it’s good anymore? aLSO!! if you think i should write a part two, should i get them together or not? feel free to send me an ask telling me what you think and if you liked it, i would appreciate it a LOT and i love reading what your guys’ thoughts and ideas.

Y/N knew from the moment she saw Jonathan and Nancy together after their road trip that she was fucked. Well, actually she knew she was fucked when she realized she had fallen for her best friend. But that was beside the point because now this very same best friend was dating (maybe? Y/N couldn’t know for sure) the girl that, due to the events of the last year, Y/N had grown very close to.

That made Y/N unconsciously distance herself from both Nancy and Jonathan — choosing to focus on school work, on her family, on her other friends... And that was just fine for a while but, of course, Jonathan HAD to notice it.

So, Jonathan, with his oh-so-convenient social skills, ambushes Y/N when she’s walking home after school through the parking lot, stoping his beat up Ford Galaxie right in front of her.

“Jonathan!” Y/N exclaims in shock. “Are you insane? You could’ve ran over me!”

Jonathan rolls the car windows down and opens the passenger door, “Will you please get in? I’ll drive you home.”

Y/N knows it’ll just be worse if she declines, so she begrudgingly walks into the car and closes the door, staying silent. Jonathan starts the car and glances at her.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asks quietly.

It breaks Y/N’s heart to think he just assumes he’s the one to blame. Well, he kind of is but it’s mostly on Y/N and her lack of control over her feelings. So, she decides not to answer that question.

“I thought you said you were gonna drive me home,” she says instead, crossing her arms over her chest in a petulant manner. She knows she’s being childish, but she’d rather him think that then for him to know she’s head over heels for him.

Jonathan sighs and drums his fingers on the steering wheel, “I was thinking maybe you could come over instead and we could study together. Maybe hang out a little bit.”

Y/N first instinct was to scream bloody murder and run away, but then she looked over at him and he just had this hopeful look on his face.

“My mom and Will miss you,” he says tentatively. (Y/N doesn’t catch is the “I miss you” Jonathan mumbles under his breath.)

“Ok,” she agrees, “but only because of your mom and your brother, and only if we study.” (Y/N can’t have them just hang out with each other, that was bound to end up in a disaster.)

The smile he gives her is enough to melt her heart and break her walls if only a little bit. “Yeah, ok! Sure,” he nervously nods and starts to drive.

The car ride is filled with so much tension that, the moment Jonathan parks in front of the Byers’ house, Y/N opens the passenger door and ungraciously throws herself out of it. Jonathan follows suit and both awkwardly walk up the house.

Y/N watches as Jonathan fumbles with the key, visibly shaking and having trouble opening the door. She carefully takes the keys from his hand, “Let me do it.”

The door opens and he leads her inside, closing the door behind them. Y/N takes in the house she had been in so many times before. Apart from the drawings that had been taken down, not much had changed since she was last there.

Jonathan clears his throat. “Do you wanna go to my room?” he asks.

Y/N looks at him and he has a nervous look on his face. She feels bad that she’s making her best friend feel this way, but the alternative is the soft and fond look he used to give her and she doesn’t think she could handle that right now. “Are Will and Joyce not home?” she questions him.

“Not right now,” he answers quickly, “but they will be, I promise.”

She nods. “Ok, then. Let’s go.”

The next few minutes are filled with easy conversation, both of them too scared to bring up any touchy subjects, as they settle in Jonathan’s bed and start to study.

Eventually, they both grow comfortable with each other once again, they start joking around like before and Y/N rests her feet on Jonathan’s lap (she’s sitting on the headboard of his bed while he sits on the end of the bed). (Y/N’s glad that he thought about keeping some space between them.)

At some point, she starts noticing he keeps throwing glances at her, and she can’t help but smile a little bit every time she feels his eyes on her. It’s on the seventh or eight time Jonathan looks at Y/N that she gathers the courage to look back. “What is it?” she asks him.

“Nothing,” he responds, smiling at her shyly and looking back down. Y/N nudges him with her foot.

“No, come on,” she says laughing, “tell me.”

Jonathan mumbles something incomprehensible under his breath, his cheeks and neck turning a deep shade of red.

“Jonathan,” Y/N moans and that somehow makes the boy get even more flustered, “I hate when you do that. Just say it. Loud and clear.”

Jonathan lets out a breath. “I said you look pretty.”

That seems to be enough to break Y/N completely. “I’m sorry, what?” she manages to choke out, her eyes widening like saucers.

“You heard me,” he responds in defense, “just forget I said anything.”

All of a sudden, his nervous demeanor comes back and Y/N just gets this feeling in her gut that she can’t let that happen, so she takes her feet out of his lap and sits up straight, crossing her legs.

“What if I don’t wanna forget?” she asks bravely and purses her lips to keep herself from saying anything else.

Jonathan looks up at her once again with surprise, a silly smile on his face. “Can I sit up there with you?”

She nods stiffly, nervously moving so she can make room for him. He stands up and walks to the right side of the bed, sitting next to her. All Y/N can feel is his arms and legs touching hers on the small mattress, but she shallows whatever feelings that are threatening to come to the surface down and focuses once again on her book.

A few minutes later, the glances and shy smiles come back, now coming from both parties, and neither know how or when, but somehow they end up with their faces close and their eyes locked with one another.

“Tell me to stop,” Jonathan breathes out as he leans in. She doesn’t tell him so.

His mouth meets hers, hesitantly but with desperation. Y/N closes her eyes and lets herself get lost in the moment, pressing her lips to his fiercely.

But it all ends too soon, when the reasonable part of her brain starts to work and all she can think about is how she should feel bad about kissing him. How unfair she’s being to herself and to Nancy. So, she makes herself break the kiss and get away from his warmth and from that bed. “I need to go,” she tells him. (Y/N doesn’t know if the struggle she feels as she says that is because she’s out of breath or because she doesn’t want to leave.)

She stands up and starts to gather her things, her ears ringing and her heart thumping with adrenaline. Once she’s gathered everything, she looks at Jonathan, who’s still sitting on the bed, looking at her dumbfounded, and raises an accusatory finger at him. “You’re with Nancy,” she tells him, her voice breaking.

Y/N ignores Jonathan’s protests and calls as she leaves his room and makes her way to the front door. She’s about to reach it when it suddenly opens, revealing Will and Joyce Byers holding two boxes of pizza.

“Y/N!” they both exclaim in surprise, coming into the house with huge, matching smiles.

“What a pleasant surprise,” Joyce says as she places the boxes on the kitchen table and engulfs Y/N in a tight hug, “we missed you.”

“Yeah,” Y/N responds, “so I heard. I missed you guys, too.”

Joyce lets her go, but before Y/N could even recover from the hug, Will was already throwing his arms around her.

“Will,” she breaths out, “you’ve grown a lot since I last saw you.”

The boy steps back, giving her a smile. “Well, it’s been a while.”

Y/N registers Jonathan awkwardly standing in the hallway, looking unsure of what he should do or say.

“Why don’t you stay for dinner?” Joyce asks for him, gesturing to the boxes of pizza, “we brought plenty of pizza.”

“Oh, no, I shouldn’t,” Y/N answers, “my parents are probably expecting me.” (That’s a lie. She knows for a fact that both of her parents are working late tonight and are not home at the moment.)

“I can call your mom if you want to,” the kind woman offers, “I’m sure she won’t mind.”

“No!” Y/N says a little too loudly and a little too quickly to be considered casual. She coughs and tries to appear nonchalant, “You’re right, she won’t mind. You don’t have to call her.”

“Ok, great,” Joyce says, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion but smiling just the same, “Will, sweetie, will you help me set the table?”

And with that, Jonathan and Y/N are left alone together once again. She slowly turns around to face him. He’s looking at her with wide eyes and an open mouth, ready to say something.

“Don’t,” Y/N warns him and follows Joyce and Will into the kitchen. “I’ll help, too,” she tells her, “it’s the least I can do.”

Ten minutes later, they’re all sat at the small kitchen table, Joyce and Will sitting on both of Y/N’s side and Jonathan sitting opposite her.

“I’m so glad you and Jonathan are hanging out again,” Joyce tells Y/N as she bites into her slice of pizza.

“Yeah, I’ve been busy,” she answers, smiling awkwardly. “Will, how are the boys, Max and El?” she quickly asks to avoid any further comment about her and Jonathan’s relationship.

Will, being the angel he is, starts talking about his and his friends’ new arcade records and newest adventures, which lasts about 5 minutes. By then, Joyce manages to turn the conversation back to Y/N and her older son.

“So, did you guys do anything fun today?” she asks innocently.

Jonathan, who Y/N has been very carefully avoiding to look at throughout the entire dinner, chokes on his drink. Y/N coughs loudly and kicks his shin under the table.

“No, uh, not really,” Jonathan manages to say, “just studying.”

Joyce chuckles and lifts one of her eyebrows. “Just studying? That seems unlikely for the two of you.”

“I guess we changed,” Y/N says uncomfortably as she chuckles along, earning a confused look from Will and one that could only be translated as ‘pure horror’ from Jonathan.

An awkward silence fills the table and makes Y/N search desperately for an alibi to leave immediately. Her eyes settle on the clock on the wall, signaling that it’s almost 8pm. She looks down at the table and notices that the pizza is almost finished. Perfect.

“Wow, it’s almost eight already,” she says in fake surprise, “my mom will freak if I don’t leave now. Do you want help cleaning up, Mrs. Byers?” she asks, looking at the woman beside her.

“Oh, no, don’t worry, sweetie,” she answers, “Jonathan can drive you home.”

Y/N eyes widen. Being stuck in a car again with Jonathan after everything that happened that day was the last thing she needed. “There’s no need. I’ll walk, clear my head a bit. It’s just a ten minute walk.”

“Let me at least walk you out,” Jonathan mumbles. She meets his eyes for the first time since they sat at the table.

“Ok,” she agrees. They both stand up and Y/N says her goodbyes to Joyce and Will as she gathers all her belongings and follows Jonathan to the front door, who had already opened the door.

Y/N mumbles a goodbye and walks to the porch, expecting Jonathan to leave it at that. Only, he steps outside the house and closes the door behind him. “Can I please just explain?”

“What could you possibly explain right now, Jonathan?” Y/N spits out.

“Nancy and I,” he sighs, taking a step closer to her, “I don’t want you to avoid me.”

Y/N barks out a laugh when he says that. “Well, you could’ve thought about that the moment you kissed me,” she scorns.

“You kissed me back,” he exclaims loudly, flailing his arms around helplessly.

“I’m not the one cheating on anyone here,” Y/N growls at him, “don’t you fucking put this on me.”

Y/N turns to leave, but Jonathan takes her hand and softly pulls her back to face him.

“Please,” he whispers desperately, “I’m not dating Nancy.”

Jonathan raises the hand that is not holding Y/N’s to her face and rubs his thumb over her cheekbone, wiping the frown off her face. She unconsciously leans into his touch.

“Nancy broke up with Steve because of you,” Y/N breathes out, “this is not right, I’m sorry.”

Reluctantly, Y/N lets go of Jonathan’s hand and steps back, giving him a sad smile before turning on her heels and walking away, not looking back once.

(Hours later, Y/N lies awake in her bed, unable to fall asleep, thinking about her best friend and what he meant by everything he said and did that day. Little did she know that, ten minutes away, Jonathan lies in his bed doing the exact same thing.)

[strandedglitch]

Hello world, it's me Kylie

date:08/5/2023

This is my first entry....I dont really know how to explain my situation, I dont even know what I am supposed to write...hell that is a lot of I dont knows.

I could be speaking into the void and writing this will go in vain but I guess this is my weird way of coping? Either way the comforting glow of this screen as I type is my only friend at the moment.

To start from the beginning, Gosh...I feel crazy just typing this but...I was doing some exploration in the state of New Mexico, It was a nice summer...Fairly hot and dry. To be expected of course coming from this arid region of the United States, I just graduated from college with my degree in Computer science and I just wanted to let loose and go on a cross country drive from Massachusetts to California, I just wanted to treat myself for all the hard work I put into my bachelors degree, Im young and for the first time in forever My face was looking at other things rather than staring for hours on end at standarized tests, Papers for essays and the eye straining computer screens.

I made a small detour stop in New Mexico...Now youre probably wondering Why New Mexico? Well..Im a bit of a nerd and thought of checking out some historic sites, Including that of an old nuclear test site which I will not disclose the name of. Now..This place is radioactive...well atleast a little bit...Not too bad atleast I thought...I went a bit further than what was legally allowed , equipped with my backpack which only had my laptop, charger, a bag of chips and some candy, These are my essentials I dont care what anyone says.

well..I got to see some cool glass looking objects imbedded in the white sand, it must of been formed from all the heat from the nuclear explosions...However something felt odd...Off I would say. My head felt like it spun and for a moment.. I felt the ground under my feet suddenly disappear, You ever have those dreams of fall and then you just wake up? It was like that.

Ive decided that perhaps it was being exposed to free radicals mixed in with the aweful sweltering heat..My immediate thought was to go back, Pretend I never went any further than what I was supposed to...treading back clad in shorts and a t shirt, the sun now was highest in the sky my lips were beginning to chap and my Somewhat bronze skintone was tinted with red sunburn.

when I got back to what I knew was the spot of the historic marker I parked infront, I was shocked and dismayed my car was nowhere in sight, I could almost feel my heart sink to my lower stomach about to burst out of my very being at any moment. Someone must have stolen my car, that was the only plausible explanation.

I was stranded, alone and In a god damn desert. I began to walk amoungst the long stretch of road hoping and praying to whatever god may be out there for someone to give me a ride out of this place. I wasnt prepared to die, I was only 23 years old. God,I know Ive been a peice of shit sometime in my life but ya gotta give me a break. It was about an hour or two before I saw a old dark red sports car speeding down the road distorted by that classic heat mirage that distorts the air above any tar road.

Oh damn, Maybe there is a god...Perhaps this is my chance time to flag them down, So my dumbass did what anyone would do...I got in the road and waved my hands around hoping a speeding car would stop.

I gulped of what little spit I had left when it got nearer luckily slowing down, Quickly I walked over to the driver side window to be greeted by A dude about mid thirties his skin was tan with a freckle here and there, Wearing a button up brownish red dress shirt with short sleeves, high wasted blue jeans and complimented with a cowboy hat and sunglasses. He looked at me lowering his sunglasses to get what I assume a better look at me as I leaned in from the window. The conversation went something like this.

Me: "Hey uh.. Can you give me a ride to the nearest town, Im out here and well my car got stolen."

The man nodded " I can give ya a ride but the next town is 'bout a 20 minute drive from here"

Me: Thank you, So much your're a life saver. ('God I hope this guy aintsome creep)

"The name is Daniel, By the way...Hop in the passenger seat just be careful of Missy she can bite if handled incorrectly"

I nodded and headed over to the passenger side, Missy? Was this his dog? I didn't see no dog. I opened the car door only to be greeted with a hand gun tucked inbetween the seat and center console of the car. ...Fuck of course he has a gun my luck. Deciding against every alarm going off in my head, I hopped in made myself comfortable in the seat and closed the door. Off we went. The ride was very boring despite the risk that is hitch hiking. He talked about having a horse ranch out east and enjoys riding them on occasion, Even putting them through a competition or two. I said I just graduated college and looking for a job in software engineering or technical support..Just something to make money from.

He looked over at me like I had snakes for hair. " That wasn't a great choice of career, Darlin.' You ain't gonna be making jack shit. Aint nobody round these parts can afford a computer or need one for that matter. Whatever fancy place you hail from, best go back cause there aint much out here to help you with that."

I was mind boggled, Was this guy for real? Everyone has a computer, phone or other internet connecting device. Even if the area was on a tight budget enough, Offices and schools still had systems. What was he thinking?

It would be another 10 minutes before a town appeared in the distance, I took a breath of relief as I leaned back in this leather seat. We passed a sign I didnt bother reading, The only thing on my mind was food and air conditioning.

Hah.... Well...I thought everything would be great..I'd go to the police give them the description of my car, plate number and everything would be fine and dandy right? Wrong...Dead wrong..You see At first I didnt think anything was off...some people drive old cars but Not an entire town dedicated to it, Maybe there was a car show? That wouldve been the case if everyone including the buildings were also dressed in quite vintage styles.Big hairdos, bell bottoms, Colorful clothing, Old fashioned cars. I felt like I was dreaming, Maybe I passed out in the field of heat exhaustion? No...This was all too real.

Daniel pulled over and wished me luck on getting my car back, handing me a 10 dollar bill, Tipped his hat and drove off. The first thing I did was go into the munincipal building to talk to someone who could point me in the right directions, I hit a bell at the help desk, taking a notice of the lack of computer equipment in the office and a calander on the wall. It was secured there with a red tac and it read August 5th 1970. There was the feeling again, My head spun faster than a damn fidget spinner. I was on the floor after that, everything went dark.

Long long story short..Im in a hotel room after convincing ambulance drivers to leave me alone and that Im fine, They gave me a cold bottle of water, allowed me to sign release for denying medical treatment. Lets just say...They looked suspicious when I asked the date.The full date..It was the same date as the calender...Shit. Im still trying to wrap my head around this...I somehow ended up in the fucking 70's because I walked a little too far from a damn historic marker, excuse my language. My theory is some kind of weird woowoo science stuff must of happened at that sight there and they didnt want us normal people going there cause they knew there could of been these time portals...Or alien...theres always aliens involved in these consiracy theories right? Eh...Im not too much of a conspiracy theorist anyways....All I know is some weird shit is going on.

Ill get back to you with how Im doing, Hopefully I can figure things out.

Logging off:

Yours, Kylie

[nonbinarybaby]

What was your first heartbreak like? What happened to you/what did they do?

Oh boy. That is a very long, and involved story, but I’ll try and explain the gist of it. I’ll put it under the cut here, just in case nobody wants to read it, but I guess if you want to, click on down ‘ere.

Surprisingly, my first heartbreak wasn’t my first love- she never really broke my heart, only wounded it- but in the end, she and I are still good friends, even today. 

No, my first heartbreak was with my first love who was a Male. I’m not gonna say his real name for Privacy purposes, but lets just call him Vincent. 

So, Vincent was 19 years old and in grade 12 (i can’t remember why he didn’t graduate on time/may have skipped out a year and came back) and I was 15 years old, and in grade 10. 

It was my first year of choir (I got into both of the audition-only choirs, but there was a non-audition, and as part of the credit you had to go to all of it, which was fine with me cause i loved it, but yeah) This choir was the non-auditioned choir, Meistersingers. Anybody could join, and it was a cool way to meet people, sing, and you got a school credit for it- plus all the fun trips and concerts and all that.

So, Vincent is in Meistersingers. But he was a huge loner. I never paid much attention to people around me, but I heard stories about him- not so much *about* him, but just girls gawking at how he was so hot and mysterious (kinda emo-punk) and they were too scared to talk to him because of how attractive and gloomy he seemed to be. 

 One day he was sitting alone against the wall, and I was talking to a friend, and I overheard this same conversation I’d heard SO MANY TIMES. And I was like

Y’know what? Enough. ENOUGHHHH.

So I marched over to him, with everyone in the vicinity watching in silence (because they thought it was so horrifying I was ACTUALLY going to talk to him.) And I stand right in front of him. He looks up at me, and I point at his socks (fuzzy, mismatched pink and green ones) and I point at mine (coincidentally, also fuzzy and mismatched at the time) and I smile and say “We have matching socks, and therefore, are now best friends. Now High-five me!”

 I held my hand in the air for like, 5 seconds before he BURSTS into laughter, giving me a high five, shaking his head while smiling up at me. He thanked me for the laugh and I asked his name, which he told me, and I said mine was Kate- He said “I know.” And I smiled and left.

After that day, he smiled at me and would make small conversation with me in Choir. We started hanging out during that time quite a lot. Eventually, i realized I was getting a crush on him- but, alas, he had a girlfriend. Woe is 15-year-old me. 

 But, he asked me to go with him for coffee after class one day- which was fine, since I had to wait for my mom to drive me home every day (I’m scared of schoolbusses- that’s a story for another day) So we go to a coffee shop and he’s talking with me.

 Basically Vincent tells me that he’s been feeling like, emotionally distraught because of his relationship. Apparently his girlfriend hadn’t been treating him well and making him feel pretty shitty, and then I came along and like made everything better. At this point my head is swirling because I had really low self esteem (was also still extremely depressed and an addict back then) and so this was like- what? wow. Me? Are you sure?

 He looked like he was going to hold my hand and decided against it but just told me that he was thankful I was around. 

 So, Cue hanging out more for another week and a half. Then he texts me and asks him to come see him on my break (I worked at a fast food place just a 4 minute walk from where he worked.) So I book over there, and He walks around the counter and just hands me his phone. I looked at it- he and his girlfriend broke up. And he just hugs me. I can tell he’s clearly upset, but i felt kind of relieved that I was the person he reached out to first things first. 

 So, I asked him the next day if he wanted to talk about it because I genuinely wanted him to be okay, but he said it was all good.

 We keep hanging out more and more, and it’s clear flirting is involved at this point. Eventually, there’s a school dance coming up, and we went together. Had a fun old time- he taught me how to dance. I remember it was one of the happiest nights of my life thus far. I stayed at his house that night, fell asleep cuddling him on his couch. After I fell asleep, he got up at some point and went to his room. (I called my mom before staying there and she was fine with it- she trusted me and my judgements.)

 So we keep talking and he has admitted he feels things for me, and I admit the same. And it also ends up leading to him saying that he felt tempted to try to do some *ahem* ~naughty~ things with me that night I stayed with him. But out of respect, removed himself. 

 Now, I was very insecure. And I am aware- 15 and 19? I should have kept it together more. But, I was afraid of him leaving, and I already didn’t know how to love myself or what it really felt like to be properly loved by someone else. So the next time I stayed over, I let some stuff happen. 

 Things continue on like that- we were always together at school, even holding hands, he had become my best friend, almost- aside from my actual best friend, whose name for the case of this story was Abby. 

 I introduced them both at the dance, actually, and was super happy they got along. We would all hang out together sometimes, and It felt like my life was really turning around. But the only shitty thing- I wasn’t officially dating Vincent. He never asked me out, And i was too afraid to ask. 

 Cue in this trip to a big city (like a long ass charter bus ride) for a choir competition/trip! It was super overwhelming because I spent so much time bonding with Vincent on our free time, It was also my first solo in a performance and it was a freestyle so I was geekin’- and I got good reviews! So we had to leave and head back home right after our performance (the one with my solo), So i’m already on an emotional high, because I did it and I nailed it! Go me!

 I get back to the busses (3 busses, the guys  were changing on one, girls on another, and then met up between) and I change , and my friend (lets call her Avera) Smiles and hugs me, shouting congratulations. And i was like “Thanks, I know, I can’t believe I actually did the solo well-” And she looks at me funny like “No, that isn’t what I meant..” So, I ask, naturally because what else could it be?

 And then she says “Vincent told me you guys are dating!”

 And I just freeze and im like….. well what in the fresh flying fuck is this

LIke that’s news??? to meeee?????????? wot

so, i change and go to the bus where everyone’s meeting. And sit down next to vincent, who congratulates me on my solo. And I shyly blurt out, “Am I your girlfriend?”

 And he just smiles slowly and says “Do you want to be?” And i Just nod, and then he says “well then, yeah.” 

 So, I hug him, and things seem all well and good.

 Until a week later, when my brother told my parents there was a rumour we were having sex (which wasn’t entirely true?? we fooled around but we didn’t have full penetrative sex because I was too scared to (-:) So my parents were threatening to call the cops and all this other shit. 

 And so, ha ha ha, after all this time of waiting- Vincent broke up with me. 

 Yepppppp. It sucked. 

 But, confusing ass thing- He still insisted on hanging out with me constantly and being around me. 

 So things go back to the way they were. Fooling around, being together, kissing, hugging, being so emotionally, mentally, and physically intimate- just not offically dating. 

 And that goes on for a couple more months. 

 But then one day he just basically tells me to get out of his house. And that he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore. 

 And the next day at school, he’s got his arm looped around this girl who is super fucking thin (I was too, but she was like mega-thin) So I wondered if it was because I was too fat. Too young. Too depressed. Too annoying. Too dumb. Too anything. Too me. 

 Thus, I go spiralling back into a severe pit of depression- worse than before I had met him. My addiction worsened, my blackouts worsened, my mental state completely depleted. 

 A month later, I heard he and this girl had broken up, but apparently he was still seeing someone. I didn’t want to hear anything about it. All i knew was I wanted to see my best friend, Abby- Desperately so. I needed someone. I could feel my pain and emotions building up like a volcano, just on the cusp of erupting, but she was constantly busy, and always had an excuse not to see me. I brushed it off cause I knew her mom wasn’t the healthiest- chalked it up to her being busy helping her. 

 But one day I hit a point where I knew I was on the brink. I really felt like I was going to seriously harm myself, and I wanted to. I fucking wanted to. But I still had a shred of hope, a part of me that screamed to talk to someone. 

 I called Abby 5 times. No answer. I texted her desperately. I pulled my hair and waited 5 more minutes, just hoping- and then my phone buzzed. And I got a text that read essentially, this-

 “Kate, I’m sorry, but I have to tell you the truth- I can’t keep it from you anymore. The reason I’ve been avoiding you, is that Vincent and I are dating now. I know that it’s shitty of me, but I care about him too much to let him slip by. I hope you’ll forgive me somehow.”

 I stared at my phone for 20 minutes, barely breathing. I didn’t even realize when I started crying my eyes out. I replied something along the lines of “I hope you rot in hell, and that you always regret choosing the guy who broke me over your best-fucking-friend, because he will never replace what I was to you.” (sidenote: not even 6 months later they broke up, and a year later she apologized to me desperately. I forgave her, even though it still hurt, but i’m over it now.) At the time of this happening, though- this was it. this was the explosion. 

 I don’t even really clearly remember what I did. I just know I ended up in the hospital for a bit. I won’t go into gory details, because that isn’t necessary. All you need to know is I had more therapy to go to, and I had to quit my job because I was too depressed to work at the time. I spent that summer basically just hiding from the world in my house, wondering why happiness wasn’t something I could have. 

 though at some point I was dragged out by friends to go hang out with some people- went to a hangout in my hometown for teens- and met this dude. I felt like I liked him, and soon enough we were dating. At my birthday party in the summer at my farm, me and friends and this guy were all there- and I get a text on my cell. 

 And it’s from Vincent. And it says - “I’m sorry. Happy birthday.”

 And that’s when I realized I didn’t even care about this guy who was with me. I waited two days and i broke up with him. I didn’t realize until then that He was a rebound (I didn’t know what that was lmao)

 But yeah so that text just made me super depressed again

 It took me until about the end of my grade 12 year to be completely over him. and even a little bit more than that, because at random times I would get really emotionally sick over how distraught what happened made me. And what I did to myself over it. (Shortly after Thomas and I started dating, we ran into him, and I bolted and Thomas couldn’t find me for a while. This was only about a month or two into dating, And I was still recovering mentally since I’d only been clean from my addiction for a couple months, so I was pretty raw. He was understanding, thankfully.) 

 So, it took me almost 2 and a half years to recover from the mental trauma I experienced from my first heartbreak. 

 I was trying to explain the gist, but there is no “gist” lmao. I can’t explain what happened without EXPLAINING what happened. Sorry bout it. 

 But well, yeah. So. That’s what happened. *Shrug* I’m over it now. I was 15 when it happened, and I turn 22 years old this July. 

 If anything, I hope this story didn’t make you sad. I hope it actually made you happy, somehow. Why, you may ask? 

 When I was 15, and crying and banging my fists on my thighs, wondering why I wasn’t good enough- I felt I would never be able to escape the horrid, all-encompassing pain I felt at that time. I felt I would be washed up in it forever, and never be able to leave it behind. 

 But now, I rarely think about it at all. The only time I do, is when I look deeply at my half-sleeve tattoo, or run my fingers along the scars that are now buried under something much more beautiful. I’ve come a long way, and grown into somebody that I definitely was not all those years ago. I’m happy now, and I love myself, and my life. And I actually am happy with those memories now, because I actually learned a lot about love, and myself, and how to deal with pain from it. 

 So, if you ever are feeling like you’ll never get past something, or it hurts too much- Sometimes it can take years- but you can do it. 

 It’ll all be okay.

 Someday. (: 

If you read this far, good for you. Here’s some free lovins’ as a gift ໒( ♥ ◡ ♥ )७ (ฅ⁍̴̀◊⁍̴́)و ̑̑

[sagestoneandsea]

Mountains to Climb 11/13/17

Listen up y’all cuz this is it, the weekend that I had was de-li-cious. (If you get that reference, bless you) 

This last weekend I went on a mountain getaway with ‘C’. At the beginning of the month I just put it out there that I had the weekend off and though a mountain trip would be dope. I was just testing the waters with that statment, thought ‘C’ would say ‘Yeah that’d be cool but not going to happen’ because what man would want to spend the weekend with me ALONE. I didn’t think it was going to happen. Hopeful but not holding my breath. When I told ‘C’ he said something along the lines of “yeah that would be really cool!” And that was kind of it. Fine by me! I didn’t think it was going to happen anyway. Fast forward a few days, he brings it up, and at this point, it was long out of my mind, ya know, ‘Nice thought but better luck next time’ sort of deal. BUT NAH Y’ALL the dude was actually wanting to go to the mountains for the weekend with ME! Next thing I know he already has a hotel booked (!!!!) and had already scoped out cool eating places. (WHAT?!?) 

Fast forward a week, we are on the road driving to Canmore ( My favourite place in the WORLD). Side note: I should point out I am a nervous driver( along with many other things). ‘C’ is driving in the dark and really bad fog as well. DING DING DING internal freak out commence. I was very nervous but was also playing it cool because I didn’t want to make him worried. Spoiler, we survived. 

We got to the hotel, had sex, grab some food, then head back to snooze it up. Something you should know about me. I am not good at sleeping in places that I do not know, I also have a weird thing where I won’t fall asleep unless I know someone is still up ( In case there is a murderer, I won’t get killed, because someone is still up and thus I am safe from monsters and murderers, DUH) and ‘C’ can fall asleep any where, any time. This drives me CRAZY because what about the monsters and murderers. They will leave him because he essentially looks dead and can sleep through anything, and JUST KILL ME.  I have a  solution that is so perfect and unflawed: I listen to audiobooks: ‘someone’ is still awake (because I hear the audiobook being read out-loud) so if murderers or monsters wanted to get me, they wouldn’t because of said audiobook listening.* Remember this weird thing for later*

Amazingly I was able to sleep threw the night, and, was not murdered. Total bonus. I wake up, annoy ‘C’ with my peppy morning mountain excitement, (little did he know my obsession for the mountains is INSAIN) and begin to try and get this boy up and out of bed. That didn’t work as well as I wanted it to. I ‘somehow’ ended up back in bed, naked, and, well, we stayed in bed for another few hours. When we finally got up, we ‘of course’ had to shower (I didn’t have to, I just like looking at ‘C’s’ cute lil’ bum). When we finally got ready we went on a beautiful walk that was right outside our hotel.  We then went to a odd little restaurant with books and bells. YOU GUYS I am not weird about eating in front of him. DO YOU KNOW HOW BIG THAT IS FOR ME?! 

After eating we went into Banff and rode the gondola and wondered around sulphur mountain. HOLLY COW the view was beautiful. After that we went for a lovely dinner at a place we just stumbled upon. The food was great, drinks, v good, but the company was the best part. We laughed all night. We drove back to our hotel watched a part of a movie, and fell asleep. Well ‘C’ did. My mind was racing. Im not sure if it was because we were in a different bed, that I had had a few drinks or if it was the beautiful day we had but I could not turn my mind off for one second. It was going a thousand miles a min thinking of all the ways this thing, this relationship could go wrong. I didn’t want to let it fester, so I woke ‘C’ up and told him what I was thinking and how I was feeling. I was feeling very uncomfortable and venerable telling him this stuff, only to find out he was sleeping: the snoring had started back up. I was feeling deflated, so I decided to put on my audiobook to try and drown out my thoughts. DIDN’T WORK. I decided to do the only other logical thing I could think of. Pull ‘C’ in to cuddle with me. I started to drift when ‘C’ freaked out, half asleep, got out of bed, then got back in, cocooned himself, and faced the other way. Well fuck, now my mind is racing even more than before. I eventually sulked myself to sleep. 

The next morning (Sunday) I was feeling a little bit of doubt in this thing. like ‘It’s not going to last long, maybe you should brake it off’ ‘There’s no way he loves you back, he’s just using you’ ‘Why would he want to spend a weekend with you, he probably has other motives’. To say the least, this kind of self talk and thoughts do not make one feel the best. But ‘C’ was still sleeping and I didn’t want to tell him what I was thinking, because if I tell him, then its true right? That is all he needs to say ‘Oh yeah thanks for the reminder, you are totally right! I’m super not into this, lol BYEE’. So I pushed it to the back of my brain, woke up sleeping beauty, had a shower, had REALLY good sex, briefly talked about what I was feeling (But using me instead of him because I can control what I do, ya know?) and went about our day. 

This day (in the beginning) was probably one of the weirdest for me. I was always thinking about what had kept me up the previous night, and we decided to go to the hot springs. Now I had not been in a bathing suit in a LONG time. What, ya girl was fat, it was socially unacceptable ( I thought) to be in public in a bathing suit. ‘C’ really wanted to go and I didn’t want to say no.  To make maters worse it was extremely busy. I walked into the change room with my 12 year old self tagging along too. I was feeling shy, self conscious about being in a bathing suit, I didn’t want ‘C’ to see me in a bathing suit ( Crazy because he has seen me NAKED, doesn’t make sense at all WEIRDO BRAIN), and I didn’t want to be surrounded by strangers.  I made my way to the showers and gave myself a little pep talk. ‘YOU CAN TO IT HOT STUFF!”  I worked up the courage and walked out into the hot springs. Oh gosh. There were so many people there that I wanted to turn back in and leave right away. 

Thankfully I was out there before ‘C’ so I quickly found a place near the wall and made myself as small as possible. I didn’t want to be scene. ‘C’ came out and came over to me with a big smile. He was so happy to be in the hot springs. He wanted me to go into the middle of the pool with him. Is he CRAZY?! HELL NO. I was sooooooo unbelievably self conscious that I wanted to cry. I wanted to stay on the edge where no one could see me and I could shrink away into a little nothing and float away. AND to top it all off my fucking mascara gives me racoon eyes. Fucking prime. We stay in there a little while longer until ‘C’ says he’s ready to go. I leave the poor boy to gather his things while I book it back to the change room. FEEEUUWW its over. The water was lovely, the company was lovely, but I would have much rather enjoyed a bath together or something like that. 

We go for a funny little dinner and this sweet little place.  We have lobster for dinner, chocolate fondue for dessert, and lots of laughs and sweet moments in between. My shield from the day finally begins to go down. I start to feel more relaxed and open. We end the meal with wondering a few shops where ‘C’ buys me a fucking rock neckless that is beautiful. I tell him he doesn’t have to but he says he wants to, so I let him pick one out for me. This act of kindness really made me fall for this guy. No one has ever done that for me, That made all the worries go away, because you don’t buy someone a piece of jewellery that you plan on breaking up with. I was in love with him for the rest of the night, the ride home, and fell asleep with happy thoughts. 

Maybe I just need to be more open with him about what I am actually feeling. I have noticed that whenever it comes to real emotions, how I’m really feeling, I tend to brush it off and not tell him, because if I tell him, he could realize what he got himself into and dip. 

ANYWHO this was one of the most romantic weekends I have ever been on an I really hope ‘C’ sticks around for a little bit longer until I can unwrap my heart a little bit more so he can see how fully I love. I really hope that will happen. 

SIDE NOTE: I binged today. Why do I do this. Every time I remind myself how much I hate it, its never as good as I think it will be, AND YET i still fucking do it. Ya girls becoming a fat lil piggy and I hate it. Probably plays a big part in why I think ‘C’ will leave. Thanks body dysmorphia for raging its fat head back into my life. On a happy note: I got a cute lil hair cut. 

Cheers form the wined, dined and self defined doubter

Sage,Stone&theSea

[bill1987-blog1]

Fear.

Tricky one. So many different reasons so many diffrent triggers, you could question the validity of them all but youll find some with a deep seated fear of summit we consider irrational or daft. Personally i get scared by loads of stuff i wont bother listing itd run forever. Some of the worst ones were the product of bad times in my life, they lost their relevance and i lost my fear of them when things made a turn for the better. I know these days i make a few of the people close to me nervous. My nature has changed over the years, ive become very blunt and outspoken. This, combined with the knowledge that i can achieve great things with a few good souls, means i often tell...in embarrassing detail...why and how much these people mean to me. I do it half because of my own shit self esteem and half because they do actually turn my life around. I believe that people who do good, should recieve it, so i try to offer that. Compliments, a willing ear, or to work on a persons behalf for something they want. These things used to be the foundation stones of any friendship, now theyre treated almost with suspicion. Fear of abused trust, fear of being betrayed. Hence i probably oversell my loyalty, i want the people i care for to know in the core of their souls that i will not betray trust. Their demons and dreams are equally safe in my hands, and when the works done and we sit down for a drink; we can talk about tits or something. Keeping my thinking so simple has let me...if not let go, at least prioitise my fears. Im still scared of going to the shops without 40 quid to buy a few bits for dinner. I will never be able to fly comfortably, but the one that sits top of the pyramid, the driving force behind everything i hope to achieve for myself or others, the fear that stops me stopping: I fear to fail, it works for everything. To understand how you would fail in any situation is to start the fight against it, to give yourself the best chance of success. Ive done many things out of fear of failure, im not brave, im scared of what quitting brings. ive walked hundreds of miles raising thousands for charity, ive worked in extremes of weather, been around the planet because it was asked of me, beaten myself senseless against tests until somehow ive got through. Ive bled for people. That wasnt a prepped statement either, its all flashing through my mind as im writing this. If im in any position to offer advice, i wont say dont be afraid. Its in your blood denying it takes too much time and energy. Make it your fuel, face your fears and get a good look at what they actually are. Know what your running from and where you need to run to to make them stop. If, like me, your lucky enough to have a few people who will help you, return the favour. Loyalty is to the left and right of you as they say. Its a wall that all fears will break on.