#im just constantly treading water but im drowning a little

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

hands and knees begging myself to be responsible tonight bc i have so much to do but i can feel in my heart irresponsible brain is going to win and im gonna end up drawing and making myself more behind and stressed but like i spent 8 hours researching and writing art history texts at my internship do i fucking want to research for my history class tonight even tho i should so i can let the professor know if my topic is viable? no i want to draw. and like even research aside i need to do dishes and laundry and pack

[dragonmasterhiccup]

She shrugged. “Eh, I don’t deny it.” She looked at Astrid. “You ever think he’s actually scared of you sometimes?” she asked, her voice clearly displaying that she was joking.

Eyes wide and jaw dropped, she replied, “Seriously? You too? You guys are literally disgusting— you know what? Fine, I’m not even gonna comment on it anymore, Im just glad that I have enough self respect to not get someone’s name literally tattooed onto me. Like, imagine if someone does that and then they break up— not you guys! Just, in general, imagine how weird that would be.”

Not wanting to look suspicious, Danny fought back laughter as they waited for Hiccup to swim over.

This was gonna be great.

When he surfaced, Danny clapped her hands together, a wide smile plastered on her face. “Well! My uh, my legs are getting pretty tired, y’know, being short, can’t touch the bottom, constantly kicking, all that jazz. You two have fun talking, I’ll be back in a few!”

And with that, she ‘left’ the lake.

At first, she did get out, mainly because she didn’t want Hiccup to get suspicious about her lurking around the lagoon.

But, after a few minutes of hiding behind a large boulder— Gods it was freezing, she desperately wanted to get back in— she eventually creeped her way back into the lagoon, being sure to be as quiet as physically possible.

The plan was simple; scare him by attempting to drown him. How? Well obviously it was come up behind him, lock him in a choke hold and drag him under.

She honestly would’ve never attempted this in her life, but after seeing just how scrawny he actually was, she suddenly had a newfound confidence that she’d be able to pull this off successfully.

Silently, though she almost cracked a laugh, she made her way behind Hiccup, suddenly latching her arm around his neck and pulling him down under the water. Keeping him under by pressing her hands on either of his shoulders, she looked up at Astrid. “So, the weathers great today, huh?- Oh my Thor, Hiccup, it’s not that serious! Gods…” She was just holding him underwater, it was literally not that serious.

She let him go, not actually wanting to drown him. What kind of friend- no, what kind of sister would she be if she did that? Psh, she’d be nothing worse than the average.

She started laughing uncontrollably, every time she looked up at Hiccup just making her laugh even more.

(Danny is evil omg 😭)

Astrid shook her head. "No, he's not afraid of me, but...I know he's afraid of losing me, but not to the point where he gets overprotective. He knows he'll get nowhere with that."

She threw her head back in laughter. "Okay, okay, I get it! It's not your thing, that's fine! No one's asking you to get any tattoos, Danny, don't worry! But, I have to agree, that would be a little...strange. Although, there's no way to end a Viking marriage outside of death, so breakups are not very common."

Hiccup tilted his head in confusion. He could tell something was up, because that wasn't how Danny acted when she was tired, but she didn't seem too keen on being around both Hiccup and Astrid when they acted a little more like a couple and less like best friends. Maybe that's why she was leaving? "Oh, uh, okay."

He and Astrid chatted a bit about the upcoming ceremony, how Dagur, Mala, and Heather were flying in on their dragons to join in the celebration, and a few other things while they swam.

Hiccup, floating on his back again, sighed contentedly as Astrid floated next to him, the two holding hands.

While Hiccup didn't notice Danny coming back, Astrid did, as nothing got past her. She stealthily told Hiccup. "Take a deep breath and hold it."

His face scrunched in confusion as he went back to treading water. "Why?"

"Just do it, trust me."

After a moment, he did so, and it was just in time, as something wrapped itself around his neck and plunged him underwater.

Stunned, he couldn't see who or what was holding his shoulders down, but he suspected it was Danny and he fought to get back to the surface.

Astrid's face went from amused to worried. She spoke hastily. "Don't hold him down, let him back up! I thought you were just going to dunk him, not actually almost drown him..."

As the grip on him loosened, Hiccup broke through the water's surface, coughing and sputtering. Shaking the water from his face, he swam straight to the shoreline, pulling himself up on the grass and catching his breath as he brushed his hair away from his face and steadying his breaths.

Astrid went to follow him, but turned back to Danny. "You didn't know, did you? That he almost drowned, a few years back?" She shook her head. "I should have said something sooner. The important thing is, he's okay, I think, but let's go check on him, hm?" She held a hand out to Danny, gesturing for her to follow.

She swam over to the shore, joining Hiccup, and sat next to him.

Placing her hand on his, she asked, "Hey, you alright?"

He nodded. "Yeah, yeah, just catching my breath."

Lowering her voice, she told him, "She didn't know, Hiccup..."

His eyes were cast down, but he nodded slowly. "But, you did..."

Astrid's expression faltered. "Hiccup, I--"

Finally looking up between the two of them, he said, "Look, I'm not mad. A little frustrated, but I'm okay. No water in my lungs, it was just a little scare. I can deal with that." Leaning forward, he removed his prosthetic. "I might just...stay here for a bit, though."

[pynches]

Hello! So this fic request was inspired by your one story where Adam falls into a lake and almost drowns (which I loved by the way,as I do all your fics and edits) and it made me think of Ronan teaching Adam how to swim the summer after trk. 😊😊

a/n im really happy you liked that fic (and my edits ajsdhf) and i absolutely adored writing this prompt so i hope you love this one as well!word count: 1605tw: no warnings! like anywhere this is very fluffy!

“Adam? Can we talk?”

And there it was, the inevitability of what Ronan was going to say next. Adam had prepared himself for this moment, the feeling of it coming having nothing to do with his newfound psychic abilities.

“Sure,” he managed to say, sounding more casual than he thought he would’ve been able to manage. Ronan poked right through the facade however, like he had been able to do for a while now.

He raised a single eyebrow.

Adam’s hands were shaking when he opened the door to the bedroom they slept in together whenever Adam was at the Barns, which was almost every day since they got together only weeks earlier.

Adam sat down on the bed and immediately looked down at his hands. He heard Ronan sigh faintly and felt the bed dip next to him. “Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong?” Ronan asked, playing with his leather wrist bands.

Adam hated the uncertainty in his voice. “Maybe,” he decided on, taking one of Ronan’s hands in his own.

Ronan huffed, “That’s not an answer, Parrish.”

Adam knew what Ronan wanted.

The truth.

Something seemingly easy to Ronan. Truths rolled off his tongue, sharp and poisonous, but true nonetheless. Ronan abashedly told you what he thought, even if it ended up breaking you beyond healing.

Adam was a liar.

But he tried not to be, even if it was just to please Ronan. There was a lot he would do nowadays to please Ronan. It scared him a little.

“I can’t swim.”

A truth.

“My parents never taught me.”

Another truth.

“I don’t care.”

A lie.

Blue had begged him to go swimming with them the last time they went to the beach and Adam had refused, even when Ronan had looked at him with disappointment in his eyes, not exactly at Adam but more at his refusal to spend those precious hours they had with him.

Adam had shrugged at him and averted his eyes, desperate to hide the disappointment mirrored in his own eyes. He had watched his friends go and he was left behind, once again hindered by his inability to do something, to have something they did have. The ability to swim in this case.

He could feel Ronan look at him but he didn’t dare to look back. He didn’t know what Ronan was going to find in his eyes but he knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.

Ronan stood from the bed when Adam continued his unbreakable silence. Adam had the urge to grab Ronan’s wrist and hold onto it, to prevent him from leaving because Adam fucked up once again. He heard the door slam between them when he didn’t which wasn’t unusual for Ronan. Everything Ronan came across had dealt with the underlying anger that was constantly burning in one way or another even when there was nothing that had sparked that anger. This time Adam feared it had been him that dropped the flame.

He was about ready to leave The Barns and make a break for it, running back to St. Agnes like the coward he was but then he was hit in the face with a piece of fabric.

“They’re Matthew’s,” was the only explanation Ronan gave. “They should fit you.”

Adam’s hand clenched around the swimming trunks and nearly threw it back in Ronan’s face. “This is not funny, Lynch,” he said through gritted teeth.

“I’m not kidding, Adam,” Ronan said.

Adam believed him.

“Then what-“

“I’m going to teach you how to swim,” Ronan said with a shrug, moving around Adam to get into his own pair.

Normally when Ronan undressed, Adam stared at him because it was Ronan undressing. Now, he just gawked at him dumbly. “You’re going to do what now?”

Adam could feel Ronan’s eyes rolling, even with his back turned to him.

“For fuck’s sake, Adam,” Ronan said not unkindly. “I’m going to teach you how to swim so you can join us next time.”

Adam bit his lip, preventing him from spilling out the familiar words. I’m not a charity case and I won’t be treated as such. I don’t need your help, I am my own independent person and I can do it myself.

Instead, he quickly exchanged his jeans for the swimming trunks before he could change his mind. Ronan nodded at him approvingly and shot him a sharp grin. “Need some of Matthew’s floaties too?”

“Prick,” Adam said but smiled nonetheless.

Adam wasn’t smiling now with the cold water hitting his ankles and Ronan pulling on his arm to drag him in further. His nervousness didn’t stem from distrust, he knew Ronan wouldn’t just let him drown but more so from the fear of not being able to do it, even though, in the back of his mind, he knew almost everybody should be able to.

But his relationship with Ronan was new, even if it felt like it wasn’t. There was familiarity in Ronan’s touches already, in the way his fingers wrapped around his wrist, always pulling him along into reckless activities Adam never ended up regretting.

Adam wasn’t going to regret this one either.

He let himself be led further into the sea, now waist-deep in the cold water. Ronan was surprisingly patient now, watching Adam carefully for even the slightest grimace or twitch of his eye.

“Do you know how to float?” Ronan asked, his voice not unkind. Adam shook his head sadly, another sign of defeat splayed out in the open.

Ronan nodded and urged Adam to wade in further until the water was hitting his chest. Ronan let go of his wrists and wove his arms around Adam’s waist, the heat of his skin a stark contrast against the ice-cold of the sea he was still getting used to.

When Ronan reached down to hold Adam’s legs too, carrying him in a bridal style position, he didn’t ask if Adam trusted him, if he was allowed to do this. He already knew the answer.

He lifted Adam slightly and Adam let his head fall back, flinching at the cold water seeping into his ears. Ronan laughed softly and continued to hold him as Adam got used to the water surrounding him, feeling how it held him up alongside Ronan.

“You can let go,” Adam said softly, not wanting to break the peacefulness of the moment. Ronan let go of him slowly, giving him every chance to ask for the safety of his arms again. But Adam wasn’t one to back out, he gave himself over to the unpredictability of the sea.

He felt himself drift off but he knew Ronan was still close by. He let himself gaze up to the blue sky, try to see shapes in the clouds that passed him by until Ronan touched him softly, asking if he was ready for another lesson.

Adam nodded but didn’t move either. He heard Ronan laughed faintly, the sound distorted underwater. Two hands gripped his shoulders and dragged him further into the sea.

The bottom had fallen away when Adam tried to stand again. He would’ve sunk if it wasn’t for Ronan’s quick arms wrapping around him. “Looks like it’s water-treading next.”

“When are you going to teach me how to actually swim?” Adam asked impatiently after following Rowan’s instruction to kick the water as hard as he could.

“When you’re not two seconds away from drowning,” Ronan said with a roll of his eyes. He let Adam’s waist go slowly, nodding approvingly when he kept his head above water.

Ronan deemed him ready after a few minutes of this. Adam’s legs were already burning but he wasn’t one to admit defeat. He kept going, no matter the costs.

He moved his arms and legs as Ronan instructed and laughed freely when he moved forward. Adam lost his concentration for a second and went under but Ronan had him lifted against his chest in a heartbeat.

Adam was still laughing.

“I thought you were going to die,” Ronan said, his voice jokingly patronising but Adam recognised the real concern lying just beneath the surface.

“I was under for one second,” Adam responded with a roll of his eyes, his tone amusing enough to make the situation more serious than it was. Still, the words held a quiet ‘I’m okay’ within them which made the frown finally disappear off of Ronan’s face.

They spend the entire afternoon like this, slowly swimming, Adam’s movements more confident and sure, Ronan’s cheering and laughter louder as the day passed them by.

They exchanged lazy kisses too, the weightlessness of the water a perfect reenactment of what they already felt when they kissed each other. It was freeing and peaceful, fluid in its familiarity.

They stayed until it became too dark to see each other, hands clasped together as they walked back to Ronan’s car that would take them back home to the Barns. Every second they could touch each other, they did, savouring the feeling of each other’s skin on their own before it was too late. It was Adam’s fingers trailing over Ronan’s bare arm as he drove them back, Ronan’s arms wrapped around his waist as they showered together, just keeping each other close, nothing more. It was them curled up in front of the TV after, too wrapped in each other to pay attention to the screen.

The next time the group went swimming, Adam joined to everybody’s glee and if he spent most of his time with Ronan, enjoying the little time before he left together, then that was nobody’s business but theirs.

[mjayms-blog]

missing // i

recently someone told me after reading some of my writings they thought I was missing something in my life. I never gave it much thought until hearing someone else say that to me. am I really missing something? if i am, what am I missing?

they said I was bright but they could sense an aura of deep darkness around me, and that they were worried about my mental health and was worried i may one day kill myself.

initially I thought it was harsh.

but upon hearing these words, I felt a sting in my chest; like someone just stabbed straight through my heart. the sting continues to groww. now the pain in my chest is unmeasurable in intensity. i feel as though I may start coughing up blood.

but the question still lingers in my mind: what am i missing?

being an introvert, i tend to stay to myself while in public. though I do have friends that i try to talk to on a daily basis i am definitely not flooded with relationships. i find them hard to create and even harder to expand and maintain. i have social skills but lack the desire to constantly be social.

im also afraid of commitment, but not just romantically. i mean on every level. friendships, business relationships, just everything.

deep down i do crave intense intimacy and i do want to share my compassion and ambition with others, but i am discouraged. my fear of rejection is so much greater than this need of personal connection that i subconsciously sabotage any chance i have towards healthy relationships.

that is one thing I suppose, but even after acknowledging this fact, the pain just digs deeper into my chest, and I feel constricted. i feel as if I can’t breathe; i am now drowning in an ocean of emotional suffering and mental instability. i try and try to tread the black waters but land is nowhere in sight.

i begin to fear something else. i being fearing that i may just give up. call it quits. say good-bye to the envision of myself i wish to achieve and just let the ocean take me. let the waters rush into my body, flood my lungs, and just close my eyes and drift away to the home of the reaper.

but i refuse. i may be missing something and have no clue what it is but i can’t just give in.

i must fight so one day i will find what i am missing. i may not realize what it is yet and i may not be missing anything at all. i may just need to mature a little more before i feel whole again, but until then i choose to fight.

i choose not to let the world bring me down, and i choose not to let the ocean of suffering consume me whole.

i choose to float on the water until the spinning ray of the lighthouse breakthrough to me so i may swim to my fated destination.

i may be depressed, but that doesn’t mean I'm sad.

i'm happy i exist; i'm just upset of where I exist, physically, socially, and mentally.

i'll get better one day, but for now, just let me tread in depression’s water and find myself.

for now just let me find what i'm missing. what am i missing?