#im just tired of always feeling like the forgotten 'oh right and the other james' and feeling unwanted which isnt true

[lupismaris]

Sometimes self care is having a very stern talking to with the wounded scared parts of yourself that don't want to do the hard and difficult things and reminding them that nothing will get better if the hard and difficult things aren't even attempted

And then as a reward you promise to buy those wounded parts of yourself an entirely hot pink/pastel pink practice set if they agree to do the work required, as a little treat

[istherewifiinhell]

okayyyy also. tagged by @joelletwo for 5 topics i could talk about for an hour with no prep.

now. two things. 1. i have infernal podcast dude energy and could say a lot about nothing. weird trait to have if u dont like talking to people? hard to say. 2. GESTURES AT BLOG. im ALREADY. talking at length abt my beloved shit. so im just ruling out turtles, alien robots, trek, etcetcetc all the shit thats been a main blog topic for the last past. 4 years?

I'm gonna say.... western voice actors? not that i could really. Give a lecture so much as. I'm way more familiar with them that than I am live action actors. And I'm kinda just CONSTANTLY like. Oh you know so and so from every cartoon youve ever fucking seen? And FEEL a real. gap. with people when they dont have a same reference point. probably like how ppl feel with me when i dont know their acting guys jhadbgjfga. Like u can name 5 VAs from ur childhood cartoons/animated movies right? And personal interest like, hey btw u know like the entire cast of tng was in disneys gargoyles? U know keith david can SING? And diego luna? Hey you know about Canadian actors who are in all the dubs and video games and yeah cheap shit? You know Scott McNeil right? You know Ian James Corlett? You know. THE IAN. of being Ian. Hello. is this thing still on?

I really like and care about the topics of education, children's rights and pedagogy? Not academically so much as, personal interest. What seeing very clearly that there was a lot of arbitrary rules that involved things like. The Government. and Systems. as a child does to a motherfucker I guess? I'm always INTERESTED in a discussion about it, is how i mean I guess. Like focuses of multiple intelligence and "applied knowledge" (and short comings there of). I mean long and short of it. Kids are full human beings and until u can grapple with that their feelings and opinions um. Actually matter. I hate you? jdhbgjhdb. And Naturally the world being good for kids has the prerequisite of it not sucking ass for adults too....

UHhhh guh. User design/civil engineering? You'll hear it from me until the day I die, crushed under the tires of a ford f1 giga truck with the LED 20million watt bulbs. PROTECTED BIKE LANES. for the love of god. I just know a lot of designers I guess and like engineering, conceptually. But like, u know that famous bridge everyone crashes into. If theres 80million warning signs and people are still crashing... maybe theres. other factors. Or you know ofc like, traffic planning, vehicle accidents, structural disasters. A lot of them are not just. Things happening. Tragedies. There's politics there. Usually a lot of Money stuff. and structural racism. The real reason your fridge is full is that there's a bunch of half empty condiment jars hiding all your forgotten left overs. And widening the roads isnt gonna do shit for traffic.

Jackass entry: Themes and motifs of anyyytthing ive watched with another person or saw, and like they also know it. I realllly like, visual theming and narrative shorthands. Anything that breaks like, maybe people in this setting dont have the same customs, but their gonna do something so you the audience can recognize it. Non literal/accurate use of colour and lighting, for mood and clarity. Breaking the physical shape and scale of things so they can appear and be readable on screen. COSTUMING COSTUMING COSTUMING. A well styled character can do soooo much for your understanding of a work, especially with large casts, and a poorly styled one can take me right out. Well. anyway. yes i love animation u all knew that.

uhhhhh Thatgamecompany/giantsquids studio. im giving myself a free space. lol technically I DO. blog about this. the music. at least. BUT beloved. games. Me and everyone else I guess. Hey speaking of u know its laura bailey and troy baker as the voices in the pathless? And you know how a lot of the games have themes of coming into being/growing/rebirth. And LOTS of environmentalism. And implied cultural world building, and wordless stories. and beautiful metaphor rich otherworldly visuals. and gameplay styles that really connect with the emotional story their going for. and ofc, the music. oh the leit motifs. well. there u go. sword of the sea when?

tagginggg. uh did anyone get @deadgrantaires or @army-of-bee-assassins yet? anyone elseeee who wants to regale me with things they knowww about. id love to know.

[heywardsarchive]

a beautiful dream

Remus Lupin x reader                                                                                Remus is my absolute favourite marauder and he doesn’t get enough love. So in his honour, enjoy this oneshot.

warning: fluff to angst, remus being pessimistic and a few swear words

gif not mine credits to the owner

this is for Ria��s 2k writing challenge. @im-a-writer-right​

word count 4k words

lets begin~

Magic had made many things possible. It made many things easier as well. But there were some stupid things that in my opinion were stupid. One of those things was the idea of soulmates. Who gave the ministry of magic the right to decide who i was meant for? Well, if i’m being honest at first the thought of having a soulmate fascinated  me. I was so happy to know i had someone out there for me. Well, that was until i developed a crush on none other than Remus Lupin.

We met on the hogwarts express before first year started. I was sitting in a carriage with my oldest and most annoying best friend- James Potter. James was like a brother to me, a very annoying possessive brother. He made sure to sit with me on the carriage and make me part of his group. Basically what was his was mine as well. Anyway I became the fifth marauder. The  mom of the group. It was upon me to look after them (mostly James and Sirius because they were both big babies who needed loads of attention.) and make sure they didn’t do anything too stupid (I obviously failed most of the time and they always ended up in detention) Some people even called me their mom. 

I’m getting off track. Where was i? Ah, yes. The whole soulmate thing. Basically on your 16th birthday you develop a connection with your soulmate and can hear their thoughts and feel their emotions. Isn’t that like an invasion of privacy?My friends say that I’m just being difficult because i have a crush on someone else and cannot accept the prospect of him dating another person. I hate to admit it but they are right. 

my 16th birthday was in a few weeks and James decided that i needed a huge birthday party and there was no way he was taking  no for an answer. After a lot of protest from me and a lot of bribing from James and the occasional puppy dog eyes from Sirius I gave in. They started giving out duties to everyone. I while on my prefect rounds had to help Sirius sneak out to Hogsmeade where he would buy drinks. I made him promise not to get any alcohol but was he going to listen to me? No. The days flew by very quickly and i was not happy. I made my unhappiness very vocal among my friends. They were surprised because i was one of the few who hated the soulmate system. To get to the bottom of the whole situation, the night before my birthday, they surrounded me asked  no demanded I tell them why i suddenly hated the whole soulmate thing. After beating around the bush for i long time i sighed and said,” I have a crush on Remus okay? I can’t bare the thought of someone else being his soulmate.” “Aw honey, don’t be sad. What if Remus is your soulmate?” Lily said, trying to lift my spirits. It was a good effort but i was still dejected. They saw my sad state and dropped the subject. I was grateful for that.

We chatted a bit more after that but i was tired so i went to bed. I could have slept in but no, at 8am Lily, Alice and Marlene blew a party horn so loudly near my ear that i thought there was fire and woke up frantically. My face must have been a sight to see because they burst out laughing. Meanies. To make my morning even more eventful, the boys were waiting at the foot of the staircase waiting for me to arrive just so they could wish me so loudly that the entire gryffindor tower woke up. “That was unnecessary.” I scolded them. “Yes mummy.” said Sirius and i shot him a glare. “So y/n any plans of finding your soulmate today?” James asked throwing an arm around me. I had totally forgotten that from today onward i could another person’s thoughts. Ugh. 

“Well?” Said James looking hopefully at me. “I don’t like the whole idea of soulmates anymore, you know that James.” I said looking at him. For some odd reason, i felt a wave of sadness wash over me. Weird. I ignored it and threw my arm around the Sirius’ shoulder. “So Pads what do you have planned for yours truly today.” He put his arm around my waist and head on my shoulder. Jealousy washed over me. Why was my soulmate feeling all negative emotions? It wasn't wierd to me because sirius was like the brother I never had. "Well love, we have planned something extra special for you." "Tell me what it is." I have him puppy dog eyes. "You'll get to know soon enough." I gave him one more pout before giving up. "Ok that's enough." Came a voice. Remus. "Let's go eat breakfast." I nodded and followed him and the marauders to the Great Hall. Lily, Alice and Marlene had already been seated there and saved me place. I sat down across Remus who was picking at his food. The full moon was close so he probably was unhappy. "Remus are you alright?" I asked. "Yeah, just peachy." I decided not to press further and let it go.

I chatted with the girls for a while before telling them I'm going for a walk. They seemed happy to see me leave probably because I knew they had a surprise planned for me before my party. Anyway, I sat under a tree near the Black lake and thought that I might as well contact my soulmate since we're stuck together anyway. I closed my eyes. "Hello?" No reply. I tried again. "Hello? Soulmate, you there?" Maybe they weren't 16 yet. (Remus' birthday is in march so if your birthday is before March 10 just pretend it's not)But wait, that's not possible. I could feel their emotions just a few hours back. Was my soulmate ignoring me? Uh, rude. "Ok mr soulmate if you don't want to talk to me that's fine. I'm as unhappy about this soulmate rubbish as you are since you're clearly ignoring me." Guilt. Aha caught him.

"I wasn't ignoring you. I was busy." Oh so now he replies. "Well that was rude." "I'm sorry." Atleast he apologized. "So what year are you in?" Wait that was a dumb question. He's probably in his sixth or seventh year like me. "I'm in my sixth year." "Oh! Me too! Which house are you in? Im a gryffindor." "Yeah, I'm a gryffindor too." Okay. So a gryffindor sixth year. I probably know him. "Do I know you?" "Probably. What's your name?" "Y/n." I felt shock wash over me. After that there was no reply just a series of shit shit shit. The cursing stopped abruptly when he probably realised I could hear him. He started singing dance like a hippogriff to cover up his thoughts, I think. I guess my soulmate likes someone else too. I decided to return back to my dorm until the girls decided to take me to my surprise.

When I walked into the dorm I expected it to be empty and not filled to the brim with balloons? Why were there a million balloons in my dorm. "It's for your surprise. Crap." Ah so he is one of the marauders. Oh dear god please not James. I can't see him in that way. This is bad. Then again maybe it isn't the marauders. They could have told the other boys what they were doing. You never know with those boys. They covered my eyes with a cloth and then sirius picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. Dear god what is happening? I was carried a long distance before I was set down on the grass. "Can I take off the cloth now?" "Not yet, not untill Lily and the others arrive." I waited for about five minutes I think when the cloth was removed. "Happy Birthday!" They all cheered. They had brought to me to my favourite spot on the courtyard near the Black Lake. Lily had brought a birthday cake that was frosted with (f/c) frosting. "Aw guys that's so sweet of you! You didn't need to do all this for me!" "Come off it (y/n/n)! You do this for us every year! You deserve it!" I smiled at them. How did I get so lucky?

"you deserve the world" Thank you soulmate I appreciate that. But that comment made my suspicion that my soulmate was one of the marauders stronger. I was determined to find out who it was.

Remus' pov

After we gave y/n her cake and gifts the girls dragged her to their dorm for some girl time and to get ready for her birthday party. When we returned to our dorm, I shut the door and sausy. "Guys. I have a problem." "What's up dear moony? " Sirius said. "I found my soulmate." I told them. "Finally! I guess they turned 16 recently. But why is it a problem." "It's y/n." Sirius smirked and James snickered. "So our darling star (your nickname cuz of your animagus being a wolf.) Is your soulmate. And that is a problem why?" "I can't date her. Im a monster what if she hates me?" James sighed. "Remus, if she hated you she wouldn't have become an animagus for you, she wouldn't hang out with us and she's have stopped talking to us a long time ago." "He's right you know, and besides y/n has a crush on you." Peter piped in. She likes me? Y/n likes me? I thought.

"woah there soulmate I don't even know you. You mustn't always listen to rumours." Oops I forgot she could hear my thoughts. Dang it. "Also soulmate please stop feeling 5 emotions at the same time because it's very confusing." Yep it was our sassy y/n alright. "Sorry." No reply. I started to get ready for the party. I dressed up in a simple shirt and pant. I read a book while waiting for the boys to get dressed. "Nice book. Whatcha reading?" Came her voice. "Little women. It's a great book." "I must read it one day then. Or maybe I can just hear you read it." I smiled at her. She was so sweet. "Yes I know I'm sweet." She commented sarcastically. I laughed and shook my head. "So soulmate when will I know who you are?" "You won't like me if you know me." "Don't be so pessimistic, you're just like my friend... REMUS? IS THIS YOU?" Shit shit shit "no it's not Remus." "I don't believe it. Remus, what are you so scared of?" "Look I'm not Remus and i dont have time for this right now. Goodbye."  How could i be so stupid? Before i could think anything else, the boys had gotten dressed and were ready to head downstairs. 

y/n was waiting in her gryffindor robes for Sirius at the portrait hole so he could go and get the required supplies while y/n did her prefect rounds. Luckily for me i didn’t have rounds today. I would have to deal with the consequences later. She saw me and looked like she wanted to say something but Sirius dragged her out saying that if it got too late they would get caught. She sighed and reluctantly followed him out. “Okay, what’s going on between you two?” “She figured out i was her soulmate and i got frantic and told her i wasn’t.” “Why would you do that?” “I don’t know, i got scared.” James just shook his head and patted my back before returning to charming the room to be soundproof and putting the decoration up. Not long after, the party had started. Sirius and y/n had returned. she went up to get dressed. She returned wearing the most beautiful (f/c) sundress and I think my heart just stopped.

"take a picture it will last longer" "what? I wasn't staring at you. I don't even know where you are." "Don't lie Remus we both know it's you." I didn't reply. The party started and it was loads of fun. Everyone was dancing and having a gala time, but I couldn't take my eyes off y/n. She danced with her friends and laughed with others. The party went on untill midnight when everyone retired to their respective dorms. I knew I was going to have to face y/n in the morning and I was scared. But I put my thoughts aside annd went to bed. I couldn't sleep much that night. I ended up waking up at 6 and decided to read in the common room. I sat by the fire side and started reading.

'I want to do something splendid...something heroic or wonderful that won't be forgotten after I'm dead.'

"I don't know what, but I'm on the watch for it and mean to astonish you all someday." Said a voice. One I know very well. Y/n. "I read the book you know, after you said that I was good. I finished it in a day." I avoided her eyes feeling embarassed. I felt betrayal wash over me. She was definitely hurt. "Why did you lie Remus? I thought we were friends?" "I'm sorry. I couldn't bring myself to believe that someone like you is my soulmate." "What do you mean?" The hurt in her eyes was replaced by concern. "You know what I am y/n. I can hurt you in so many ways. You deserve someone who will be able to take care of you. Someone who doesn't need to go running every full moon." "And yet we're soulmates. Remus, if we were not good for each other we wouldn't be soulmates." "You were the one who didn't like the soulmate system." "That was because my heart belonged to someone else, you. I had a crush on you since 4th year. I couldn't accept that maybe we were just destined to be friends." "I liked you since third year too." "Then why won't you just let me love you? I accept you Rem. If I didn't I wouldn't have become an animagus for you. I wouldn't be friends with you. I love you and I care for you. Accept that." She smiled at me and held my hand. I could feel all the adoration she had for me. "If you're sure." I told her and closed the gap between us. I could feel fireworks and my heart felt complete. All I felt was her lips moving against mine and how happy I felt. I pulled away and smiled at her. "I love you too."

Just as the words escaped my lips I heard wolf whistles and cheering in the background. "Our moony has finally grown up." Said James wiping a fame tear and sirius laughed. I looked at y/n and she hugged me. "Im still pissed at you for earlier but I can't stay mad at you for long can I?" I laughed and pecked her lips. I was finally happy.

*****

We were sitting in the common room a few moths later when James and Sirius ran inside yelling at each other. Lily sighing as she walked behind them. "Y/n your children are fighting again." Y/n glared at Lily and I snickered. She elbowed me hard. "Firstly I am not their mother during the school term. Secondly why are you two bickering again?" "You clearly act like it." Marlene muttered and y/n just ignored her. "James hexed snivellus and blamed it on me and now Minnie is behind my life!" "James! That was wrong. When will you ever act your age?" "See?" Marlene yelled. Once again she was ignored. Sirius and James kept bickering when all of a sudden sirius looked at me all seriously. "If y/n is our mother does that mean you are our father?" Marlene and James burst out laughing and y/n looked like she wanted to strangle Sirius. "SIRIUS BLACK FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER IN SCHOOL!" The whole room fell silent for a few seconds before laughter filled it again. This time y/n joined in too. I love her. "I love you too you know." She turned around and winked and I felt my cheeks heat up.

Seventh year came and went by quickly. We were on our way home for the last time on the Hogwarts express. Everyone was discussing their future plans. I stayed silent. Who would employ a werewolf? Y/n literally sensing my discomfort came closer to me and held my hand. She shot me a small smile and I instantly felt better. I studied her profile and realised how much she meant to me. The train came to half. We walked out slowly taking in the feeling of the train. We stepped out of the carriage and hugged each other goodbye. "We must meet up often." Said James who had an arm wrapped around Lily's waist. (They were soulmates. Big shocker am I right?) Everyone nodded in agreement. Everyone started to walk away in their respective directions. I held y/n's hand and told her to wait a bit. She looked at me questioningly. "I've been thinking-" "uh oh." She snickered a bit. "The last time you were thinking you thought I would not want to be with you." I glared at her a bit and she suppressed her laughter. "Marry me." "What?" "You heard me. Let's get married. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I felt various emotions wash over me. Shock , fear, love and finally pity. "Remus I love you too but aren't we tok young? We just finished Hogwarts. I would love to marry you. Just, not yet." "Alright thats fine." She could tell I was hurt but made no comment.

A few days passed we barely spoke to each other. Suddenly out of the blue she aparated into my apartment. "Ok, let's do it. Let's get married." "Wait. Seriously?" "Yes." She pulled me in for a kiss. "I thought about it and I want to spend the rest of my life with you too." I was ecstatic! Over the moon! She laughed at my reaction and I fumbled to pull out my mother's ring. "This was mum's before she died. And I want you to have it." "Rem, this is so beautiful. Thankyou." "Let's go tell the others and your parents and my dad." She nodded. We told everyone and they were all happy for us. We got married a few months later in a small ceremony. We moved in together in a cosy apartment which we bought together. A few months after that Lily and James got married. Life was looking better for us. Lily was pregnant. Soon after that a dark lord called voldemort was on the rise. He was killing muggles and wizards alike. Everyone was terrified. On July 31 1980 Harry Potter was born. He was the ray of light in our dark lives.

All of us spent our time together savouring every minute. Then came the prophecy of the chosen one. The child born on the end of July who could kill the dark lord. He had decided that it was Harry and was out for his blood. Lily and James had to go into hiding. A fidelius charm was placed on both sirius and y/n. Only Sirius' name was disclosed. Then Peter was put under the charm as well. Then the dreaded happened. Voldemort had come to know about the Potter's hiding spot and killed them. Baby Harry was alive but lily and James were dead. Sirius was put in azkaban without trial although it was the rat Peter who gave out their location.

Y/n who had been studying to become a lawyer in the wizengamot fought for custody of Harry after he was placed under the care of his horrid aunt. After all, she had the right to do so as she was his godmother and the Potter's will stated that Harry was to be under her or Sirius' care. I saw her come home in tears after our best friends had died. She promised herself to avenge their death. It killed me to see her blaming herself so much. After a long year of her hard work, Harry's custody was finally passed onto us. I was so proud of my wife. The next thing y/n had to do was prove Sirius' innocence which was an easier task. She declared herself as the second secret keeper and after being put under verataseruim Sirius was declared an innocent man and Peter was being searched for. Things started to look up again. Y/n started to laugh again. She spent most of her time with Sirius (who temporarily moved in with us) Harry and me.

"Remus, do you want children?" She asked me one day out of the blue. "Ofcourse I do. But what if they inherit my lycanthropy?" "Then we'll love them as I love you." I hugged her tight. A few months later we got the news that y/n was expecting. I felt immense joy. I had never been happier. Harry was already 7 by then. He lived a happy life surrounded by people who love him. When he started Hogwarts he had a little god sister to look after. We named her Hope after my mother. She loved Harry and Harry loved her. She didn't inherit my lycanthropy which was a relief to me.

Everything seemed fine for many years until voldemort was on the rise again. We fought a battle once, we could do it again. With that thought in mind, y/n and I stood together, holding hands as the death eaters attacked the beautiful castle that I once called home. We stayed together the whole time. When I was duelling a death Eater another one came from behind me. He muttered a curse. "No!" Y/n called jumping in front of me taking the hit of the curse. She fell down on the ground with a deep gash on her chest. She started breathing heavily. "Remus.." "No no you can't die." I sobbed. "Im not worth dying for." "Oh darling, you are worth everything. Don't cry Rem, think of the good times. " "No" I sobbed. "Kiss me one last time, hug me one last time, tell me you love me one last time and tell Hope that she's my world." I sobbed but obliged. I hugged her and kissed her hard. Pouring out all my sadness into it. "I love you y/n. Always." "I love you too my love, always and forever..."

3rd person POV

Just as the words died in her lips, his world had ended. He felt a numbing silence wash over him as the reality of her death hit him. Everything felt around him felt like a blur because all that was left of his beloved was a beautiful dream.

[justloosecannons]

Pancakes/ Jake ft. Eden

when: at some point in the most recent past im late uploading this my beeee Early March where: cherry bomb diner mentions: n/a description: a meetup between the two over breakfast trigger warnings: general food related triggers, mentions of nsfw related activities @partialhearts​ 

Jake:

he had tugged on a shirt purchased by her hands - wanting her to feel something for him - anything. flowers that were hand picked the day before, had begun to brown, but, he brought them all the same. sliding into the booth, he laid the flowers next to him - out of view as he waited. subconsciously, his finger picked and scratched at the top of his hand as nervous chaotically thundered through his frame.

Eden:

she was tired, but she was hoping a few cups of coffee would do her some good. she smiles when she sees jake, and he looks just as handsome as ever -- well rested. she wonders where he's been lately, what he's been doing and who he's been doing it with. he doesn't come out anymore. "hey you -" she smiles, slipping into the seat opposite him.

Jake:

his smile only widened the second her heard her voice, heart thumping chaotically beneath his bones - the way that it always seemed to whenever eden was this close. “hey!” his voice cracked, quickly clearing it in an effort to mask it. “i already ordered you usual. hope that’s okay.”

Eden:

she drums her fingers against the table and nods, trying to stay casual around jake. it was hard to be normal around him most of the time. when they were at parties it was fine, because they could blame it on the alcohol, but now? she had to do this completely sober. "oh no, that's perfect. thanks jake."

Jake:

“they should be bringing a bowl of fruit soon too..... extra strawberries.” his lips curved up at the edges as almost on time, the bowl was slid between them. without hesitation, he popped a grape between his lips. “how’s your day?”

Eden:

"i mean it's 10 so it's barely started yet." she says with a smirk, popping a piece of fruit between her lips. "you look good, are you doing something new with your hair? i never see you out anymore."

Jake:

“uh - well, i cut it a little. nothing like when i was 17 and went for the buzz - but, just because i know i’ll be surfing a lot with the weather, didn’t want hair in my face.” he shook his head to show off the way his curls bounced, a smile tugged at his lips. “i got you something.”

Eden:

she ignores the way her stomach feels when she watches his hair bounce, knowing that would just lead her down a dangerous path. "you did? what you get me?" she beams, surprised he's even making that kind of effort

Jake:

“well, it’s two parts. one now, one when you leave.” he hummed, reaching over to scoop up the flowers he had hand picked the day before. “they’re a little dead, i.... saw them yesterday, wanted you to have them.” he reached out to set them before her. “probably just need water.”

Eden:

a guilt washes over her, he was buying her flowers while she was doing god knows what with someone else. she looks stunned as she takes them, forcing a nervous smile onto her face. "oh -- they're beautiful. i don't -- what did i do to deserve these?"

Jake:

he simply shakes his head, lips cocked into the smallest grin over her reaction. “i just saw them... i don’t know what kind they are... you were always better at that than me, but they looked like eden flowers. like they belonged to you without even knowing you.”

Eden:

she feels it coming, the tears forming in her eyes, but she doesn't let them fall, they just sit in her ducts like big, threatening blobs of sadness. she misses him, she loves him, but she cannot have him -- she cannot have this. he hurts her, but like a moth to a flame, she is constantly drawn to his fire. "i love them, thank you." she says, turning to smile at him before taking a sip of her coffee.

Jake:

“i hope you can kind of nurse them back to health - i didnt really know what to do with them last night.” he chuckles softly, his hand rubbing nervously at the back of his neck. really, that’s what eden did - she took in broken things, and somehow - made them into something better. she had done it with him, he had just seemingly fallen apart with the fear of what that meant. “i read about this big volunteer thing at the great barrier reef they’re trying to set up next year. you think you’ll get to do that?”

Eden:

she examines the flowers, "i have some feed at home, i think if i trim the ends i should be able to nurse them back to health." she smiles, feeling incredibly guilty that she had not been able to take them yesterday. "i might do, i think it would be nice to sign up."

Jake:

truth be told, jake had always kept an eye on things that seemed like they would be up her alley. when they were dating, he had often volunteered to do a lot of it with her. “just sounded like it had eden james written all over it.” his smile raising at the edges as his eyes took in each of her features, completely in love. “i could help you fundraise. if you needed to..”

Eden:

"yeah...." she feels distant, holding jake back in order to protect herself. she should, shouldn't she? he's done nothing but hurt her. "as friends." eden adds, feeling her throat tighten.

Jake:

the words carry an unforeseen weight, slamming right into his chest in an effort to crack every inch of his heart he had left. instead of answering, he only nods - fearing the stinging he feels as his throat tightens up. luckily, pancakes are slid in front of him, and he doesn’t push his luck by saying anything further, instead cutting into them, averting his eyes.

Eden:

she doesn't want this distance between her and jake, it's not what she wants, not really. eden wants to be close to him, to be loved by him, to walk hand and hand with him on the beach, but she knows, she knows that jake hurts her, and she's been hurt too many times now. "how are your pancakes?" she smiles, hoping to shift the conversation.

Jake:

to say that it had been easy to cope and handle life without eden in the way he had her before - would’ve been a lot. he was self destructive, combative, and broken hearted. there was a hole in his chest and he had simply given up on trying to fill it - it was edens spot. no one else would fit. “the best. always reminds me why we come here.”

Eden:

she smiles when the tension is alleviated, thankful that her and jake can talk without making the situation weird. she doesn't want to know about what girls he's fucking right now, there's always someone, and it always hurts to see. eden loves him more than she could ever love anyone, and that was that. "i haven't been here in a while, if i'm honest."

Jake:

he could feel the confines of his chest start to spiral and the small marks in his skin, covered by jeans, but tender all the same. there was a panic. one he couldn’t tell eden about? because it was far too much, and she looked so good. he had been told she was happy, and he had really never ranted anything more. “oh yeah? i come here every sunday.” he shrugs, knowing it was one of the only pieces of her he had left.

Eden:

"i guess i just haven't had much time." she whispers, sensing the change in shift when jake's mood changes. "i've been wrapped up in work, i'm trying to focus on that lately."

Jake:

his heart rate seemed to pick up speed at the mention of not having enough time, his mind immediately wandering off - only tethered when she mentions work. “yeah? been busy with it?” he tips his head to the side, desperately trying to be the best version of himself.

Eden:

she's not cruel enough to divulge into what she's been doing, she's careful, unlike jake was. she doesn't want him to hurt the way she did when she had to watch him with other girls, making out with them in front of her. "pretty much. i think i wanna get out of the aquarium."

Jake:

nights were long, filled with replaying every mistake he made with her on a big screen in his mind - leaving himself empty and guilty. never able to sleep without the lone stuffed animal she had forgotten, even when he was with people - it was a temporary fix to a long term problem that he couldn’t fix. “why’s that?” he rasped, tipping his head to the side.

Eden:

“i just think i might do better out there, you know? doing some actual rescuing. i love teaching kids about the coral reef, i do - and all that. and i love taking care of the animals we have. i just think, i’d feel more purpose if i was out there doing something.” she shrugs, pushing her plate aside.

Jake:

he nods, well aware that eden was destined to change the world, and he found himself more and more proud of her daily. “well, whatever you do - it’ll be amazing.” he promises, pulling his wallet from his pocket. when he opens it and a polaroid of her falls out, he’s quick to scoop it up and slide it back in its place.

Eden:

she spots the picture falling from his wallet, and it's only on the floor for a moment, so she can't quite make out who it is, or what it is. if she asks, it might make things awkward, it could be her -- but if it isn't? she gives jake a bright smile and bottles down her feelings once more. "i think it'd be good if i did go, some time away."

Jake: 

 the idea of not seeing eden again for an undetermined amount of time, makes everything in his body hurt in a way that he wasn’t really expecting. clenching his jaw, he nodded, finally forcing his eyes up in her direction. “i... have one more more thing for you i just... would it be alright if you didn’t... look at it until i was out of view?”

Eden:

it's hard for her to accept gifts from jake, she doesn't know what this means, or what taking things from him might mean to him. she's scared, scared because being close to jake left her vulnerable, and she's been vulnerable to jake since she was 18. when she was away at college, it was easier to not think of these things, but here he was. "i can....sure." she smiles weakly, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Jake:

it’s not something he’s spent money on, but rather something he’s grown accustomed to do. at any point if he sees anything that reminds him of her, he scribbles exactly what he’s thinking. nodding slowly, he takes a moment of silence to let his eyes flicker over her features. loving eden was everything. and regret would always weigh in his chest like an anvil. “here every sunday. just in case.” and with that, he slid the paint sample face down and slid it over to her.

Eden:

why does he do this to her? she wonders to herself with a heavy heart that somehow she may never be free of what this is she has with jake. does he love her just because of how easy it is for her to give in to him? because she's always there? what would happen if she just stopped, what if she stopped answering? would he still love her then? is this even love? or is it just comfort? she holds her hand over the note and smiles sadly at him, "every sunday."

Jake:

its all he needs to hear - that hes hear, and that he will keep coming here. its the only pillar of consistency that he has. mistakes dont even cover what he regrets - losing eden had been a wake up call. she had been nothing but good to him, and he had messed it up based off previous peoples actions, pissing away the only form of happiness he had ever know. nodding slowly, he offered her the smallest smile before dropping cash onto the table for the waitress, and just like that - he was gone.

Eden:

she watches him leave and he takes a vital piece of her with him. when he's gone, she finally looks at the gift he has left her and she feels empty -- this is how jake makes her feel. he gives, and he makes promises, he gives her pieces of hope and then he tears them away. he doesn't realise he's being cruel, she doesn't want crumbs, she wants him to be a man.

[jamesdeerest]

i’ve moved on

pairing: james potter x reader, sirius black x reader

request: @gwen-devilliers asked “Hi! I'd like to request a young James potter one where he realises that he's moved in from lily & in love with reader, after having been oblivious for a while. Thanks! :)”

notes: i literally love james sm :)))) ik im shitty at writing for him but i lOVE HIM OKAY also i went kind of off the request. read to find outttt ;))

warnings: swearing.

word count: 2.7k holy shit

“oi, lily!” james said, waving enthusiastically at the redhead. she, however, just groaned, turning away. “god, i preferred it when he called me evans. he just doesn’t shut up.” lily muttered to marlene, who agreed sympathetically, as they left james behind.

james sighed, crestfallen. “sometimes, i wonder if i should just give up.” he said sadly. you laughed, whacking him on the shoulder. “you’ll never do that, james. she’ll come round eventually, i know it. now, if you’re down moping about, i’m hungry and it’s lunchtime. c’mon, slowpoke, race you there!” 

sprinting off, you cackled as james tripped over himself in his hurry to catch up. unfortunately, while you were looking backwards, you didn’t notice as you ran smack into... sirius. “whoa there, y/n. you okay?” he grinned, steadying you. you beamed up at him. “yup! just, you know, beating james.” you smirked. “again? damn, he’s getting slow. anyway, i’m starving, and i heard there’s treacle tart today. shall we, milady?” he said, offering his arm and putting on a posh accent. you grinned, taking it. “we shall, good sir.” and with that, you ran off, james and remus walking slowly to the great hall behind you.

“you know, sometimes i can see pads and y/n as a couple.” remus said, tilting his head. james scoffed, shaking his head. “pads and y/n?! no way. she’d never go for someone like him.” they kept walking, james deep in thought. “wait... would she?” remus raised an eyebrow, amused. “jealous, are we?” 

“what? jealous? no! why would i be jealous? i like lily, not y/n!” james spluttered, waving his arms around. remus held his hands up defensively, trying to calm him down. “chill out, prongs. i was joking, jeez.” he said, looking for you, sirius and peter as they entered the great hall. “yeah... joking...”

sirius cheered as they sat down, poking you. “oi oi! y/n, look who finally decided to show up.” you smiled teasingly. “where have you guys been? we’ve been here for hours, right sirius?” sirius rolled his eyes. “hours? more like days.”

“weeks!”

“months!”

“years-” 

“alright, guys, we get it. budge up, wormy.” remus interrupted, poking peter until he shifted along the bench to allow the other two to sit down. wordlessly, james started eating, remaining unusually silent as the group chatted, eyeing the closeness between you and his best mate. did they always sit that close together? you didn’t miss a trick, however, and furrowed your brow, concerned. 

“you alright, jamie? you look a bit... i don’t know, but you’ve never this quiet.” james’ lips parted in a small smile. “don’t worry ‘bout me. just a bit tired.” you yawned, resting your head on sirius’ shoulder. 

“tell me about it. i’m shattered, and it’s only midday!” instantly regretting using that excuse, he glared as sirius kissed your head. “aw, baby y/n! you can always sleep with me. on me!” he hastily corrected himself, eyes wide, glaring at the boys as they lost it.

peter was clutching his stomach, remus was snickering, you and sirius were bright red and james... james felt uncomfortable. “save it for the bedroom, guys.” remus smirked, dodging as you threw a sausage roll at him. “oh shut it, lupin.”

“oh shut it, lupin!” remus mocked you in a high pitched voice, sticking out his tongue.

you growled, immediately starting to retaliate when lily walked past with her friends. james immediately sat up, a wide grin on his face. “hey, lily! you look really nice today.” lily, who was previously laughing, sobered up, rolling her eyes at the boy. “leave me alone, potter.”

an awkward silence fell over the group as lily walked off, james flushing in embarrassment. you reached over the table to console him, but james gently pushed your hand away. “you know what? i’m done with chasing after her. forget her, i’m going to find someone who likes me for me.” sirius leaned over, clapping him on the back. “proud of you, mate. takes guts.” james smiled gratefully at him, before standing up as the bell rang. “right. what have you guys got next?” 

you groaned. “potions. kill me.” sirius shrugged, getting up and then offering a hand to you. “eh, we’ll die together then. i couldn’t live without you anyway, my love,” he said, swishing his hair dramatically. you got up, pretending to faint into his arms. “oh, my darling!” he picked you up bridal-style, making you squeak in surprise, your arms tightly wound round his neck, and walked off to potions.

remus cooed. “i told you so. they would be adorable together. c’mon losers, it’s transfiguration next and mcgonagall will kill us if we’re late.” peter hopped off the bench, finally finished with stuffing his face, and james followed behind them, an uneasy feeling settling in his stomach.

later on after class had finished, the three made their way back to the common room. as soon as remus muttered the password to the fat lady (because peter had forgotten it, and james only remembered the one from the first day of first year) and the door swung open, loud laughter echoed up the stairs. you and sirius were rolling around on the floor by the fireplace, tears rolling down your cheeks. “his face!” sirius spluttered, his body heaving.

remus rolled his eyes at the pair of you, a fond smile betraying him. there was a brief lull as you caught your breath, coughing slightly, before you met eyes with sirius again, and started to giggle.

peter plonked himself down on the sofa, swinging his legs. remus sat next to him, and james slid into an armchair. “what are you two weirdos laughing about, then?” remus asked, eyebrow raised. 

“slughorn-” 

“sardines-” 

“snape-” 

“detention for three weeks-”

“worth it!” you grinned, before high fiving sirius.

peter and remus easily joined the conversation, but james sat silent, deep in thought. 

there was this uncomfortable feeling. every time he saw you and sirius together, he just felt so... angry! but why? he loved sirius, he was his best mate, and you were like a sister to him... right?

right?

peter’s eyes suddenly lit up, and he grabbed james’ arm, startling him out of his thoughts, and poked remus, glancing meaningly upstairs. remus nodded, and whilst peter and james headed upstairs, remus tried to think of an excuse. “peter wants us to look at his bunion, it’s gone a funny colour. be back in a bit!” 

sirius snorted, as you looked disgusted. “is that what you guys do when you’re alone?”

“my bunion?!” peter cried as soon as the door was shut. “i’m sorry! i had to think of an excuse fast, okay.” seeing as peter was about to continue protesting, remus cut him off. “what’s the plan?”

“plan?” james said, baffled. “what’s going on?”

both of them groaned, glaring at james. “we’re trying to set sirius and y/n up. keep up, james!” peter said, rolling his eyes. 

remus and peter started to talk fast, theorising ideas, but james went blank. sirius? and... you? what?!

“right. james, listen. we’re going to meet up at the three broomsticks tomorrow. but, we’re not going to turn up. so, sirius and y/n can have some alone time, and hopefully snog!” peter said enthusiastically, making remus roll his eyes. “look, forget the snogging. you can see they like each other, now we just need to give them a little shove in the direction, you know?”

“destination- snogging.” peter beamed, scowling when remus elbowed him. “we good, james? understand the plan?”

james nodded, his mind yelling at him to stop it. he pushed those thoughts out his head, however. they deserved to be happy.

you and sirius had moved onto the sofa, his head in your lap as you talked. the boys came down, and you looked at them, or more specifically peter, with an amused (and slightly grossed-out) smile. “how’s the bunion, peter?” 

peter flushed, glaring at remus. “it’s fine, don’t worry y/n. anyway, we were thinking we could meet up at hogsmeade tomorrow for lunch! like, elevenish at the three broomsticks?”

you smiled properly this time; it had been a long time since you’d all been to hogsmeade. “sounds great!”

“wha’s happenin’?” sirius slurred, having half fallen asleep due to you running your fingers through his hair. you laughed, smiling at him. “we’re meeting up at the three broomsticks tomorrow at eleven, sleepyhead.” you said with a yawn of your own, poking sirius till he sat up. 

“right, well, i’m going to go to bed. i need sleep.” you said, stretching. sirius smiled at you, as you snuggled into your jumper and opened your arms for a hug. he wrapped his arms around you, also nestling into your surprisingly comfy jumper. “gerroff.” you mumbled, heading up to the dorms but pausing at the top of the stairs. “night, everyone.”

you woke up, grumbling as the sunlight invaded your vision. “whoever didn’t close the curtains last night is dead.” you said, glaring at your sleeping roommates, before realising you were the last one up. oh well, guess you’re dead. no biggie, right?

after nipping in the shower, you got changed, opting for leggings and hoodie. it was six am, you were up, and you were not happy about it. 

after you had gently pulled the door shut, you tiptoed down the stairs, trying to let everyone else sleep, and made your way to the great hall, where the house elves were finishing up laying out the food. it was completely devoid of actual humans, except... sirius. he was sat at the end of the gryffindor table, munching on a bagel with his hair tied up. 

in spite of your foul mood, you smiled, sliding onto the bench next to him, reaching for the coffee pot and nearly filling your mug with the fast juice. sirius looked confusedly at you. “morning, y/n. what’re you doing up this early?”

“forgot to close the curtains, and so i’m pissed at myself. you?” 

sirius swallowed, taking a long sip of his coffee as you started loading up your plate with food. “you know, stuff.”

raising an eyebrow at him, you yawned. “what stuff?”

he shook you off. “long story.”

you stared at him blankly. “sirius, it’s half six. i’m pretty sure we have time.”

sirius laughed nervously, finishing off his bagel and spreading cream cheese on another one. “um... okay. you know how my mother... isn’t the nicest?”

you froze, fork halfway to your mouth. you hated sirius’ mother, and he knew it. “yes. i’m pretty sure the whole world knows that.”

he rolled his eyes, amused. “sometimes, i just... get caught up in my own head, you know? and i overthink... well now that i think about it, i overthink pretty much everything, merlin.”

“sirius.”

“mhm?” he said, already halfway through his second bagel.

“you’re overthinking overthinking. calm down, it’s okay. as your bestest bestie ever, i am your personal stress ball.”

sirius laughed, shaking his head at you. “you are something else, l/n.”

you flicked your hair, fluttering your eyelashes. “oh stop it, you.”

remus hadn’t seen sirius all day. and while that was key for the plan, he still found it a bit odd. when he woke up, sirius’ duvet was pulled back, he wasn’t at breakfast, and none of the boys had seen him swishing through the hallways.

as a matter of fact, he hadn’t seen y/n either. he smirked, realising they were probably together. the ship was sailing, no matter how weird james was being about it.

forget james, it was probably just lily blues. plus, it was half ten, and in half an hour he was due to not show up at the three broomsticks. him and peter had made a little hideout in the bushes so they could see in. he was just about to head off to hogsmeade when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

turning round, he saw lily, shifting on the spot. “hey, remus. i was wondering if you had seen james anywhere?” remus smirked, lily was a good friend of his even if she had disliked his glasses wearing best friend. “why you asking? confessing your love, are we?” he teased, raising his eyebrows when lily looked sheepishly at the ground.

“what?!” he cried, yanking her over to the window seat, and leaning in to shout-whisper at her. “since when do you like james?! i thought you hated james?!”

lily bit her lip, slowly turning as red as her hair. “i did... but i’ve been thinking about it, remus. i just... see him differently now.”

remus inwardly groaned; it was difficult enough setting up one couple in one day, he couldn’t do two. “look, as much as i want to help, me and the boys are trying to get sirius and y/n to go out. talk to me on monday, yeah?”

lily looked down, muttering a yeah as he hurried off. in a second, though, lily stood up, determined to tell james how she felt, remus be damned.

sirius and you walked up to the three broomsticks, immediately looking round for your friends. when you couldn’t find them, you turned to sirius, frowning. “it’s weird. i haven’t seen them all day, and now they’re not here either?”

sirius rubbed your hand reassuringly. “i’m sure they’ll turn up soon, y/n, don’t worry.” he said, as he walked up to madam rosmerta. “table for five, please.” rosmerta nodded knowingly; remus had already briefed her on the plan. she grabbed two menus and led them to a table, setting them down with a wink. “first date?” 

both of you flushed, eyes wide. “what? oh no, we’re not dating.” you hastily said, nervously meeting eyes with sirius.

“really? shame, you two’d be a cute couple.” she mused, before walking off to take someone’s order.

you looked down, heart racing, until sirius gently took your hand. “we would, wouldn’t we?”

you looked at him, shocked, but squeezing his hand. “what...what are you saying, sirius?”

sirius took a deep breath, before opening his mouth. “what i’m saying is... i li-”

the doors burst open, and lily rushed in, hurrying over to your table, making you spring apart. “hey lily! what’s up-”

“where’s james?” she heaved, out of breath. “um... i don’t know-”

“y/n!” james said, running through the open door, eyes lighting up when he saw you, ignoring lily’s cry of james!

“look, y/n, i’ve been thinking. about us. i li-”

“i like you!” lily near shouted, making all of you turn to her in shock. she immediately flushed at the attention, before she took james’ hands, locking eyes with him. “i like you, james potter.”

james stared, looking like (excuse the pun) a deer in the headlights. “lily, i’m really sorry, but... i like y/n.” he said, turning to you.

“what?!” you cried, flabbergasted. “james, i’m really sorry, but i... i like sirius.”

james stared at sirius, who smiled at you, taking your hand, before hurriedly saying something. “i like y/n too, by the way. this isn’t becoming a love square, sorry, lily.” 

lily chuckled bitterly, swiping a hand under her eyes. “it’s okay, sirius. i’m happy for you guys, you’re cute together. oh, and james?” 

james nervously looked at her, almost begging himself to feel those butterflies which used to overcome him just at the sight of her. but, nothing.

“it’s okay, too. i realised too late, and that’s on me.” she took a deep breath, before smiling. “i’ll see you all around, yeah?”

after she left, there was a silence, as you all refused to make eye contact. 

james swallowed, clapping sirius on the back. “you got a good one, mate. don’t mess it up.” he said, before leaving the pub with his head held down.

you leaned into sirius, just letting him hold you for a while, before he smirked at you. “you like me, huh? lame.”

“you like me too, loser.” you said, rolling your eyes at him.

“never said i didn’t.”

taglist: @blackpinkdolan @hoewkeye @shadylittlewonder @sassy-specter @im-eating-rn @knowledgeisthebomb

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

WhatsApp? Part 10. (Steve Rogers x reader)

Description: You’ve never been lucky with guys. You just wanted to catch someone’s eye, to be loved. One day, that’s about to turn completely - with one fake, completely imagined number a guy gave you

A/N: Man I live for Sam Wilson. He’s too much to handle. He’s that chaotic friend for sure.

Word count: 1.9 K

Warnings: Probably like none? Idk.

Tagging: @missdictatorme, @songforhema, @mikariell95, @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory

Read the rest here: Part One  Part Two  Part three  Part four  Part five  Part Six  Part seven  Part eight  Part nine

If you like to have your readings in order :):  H E R E  

You had a deep coma until two p.m. the next morning, unable to move, speak or talk, just laying in your head under the blankets, watching some Audrey Hepburn movies running on the TV.

When you for yourself together and felt like standing up, you took a long shower full of bubbles and nicely smelling cosmetics, then you took the rest of the make-up down. Then, with your stomach still being heavy as fuck, you ordered some food from a near pizza shop. Then, again, you fell down the bed, still looking like a piece of trash.

When your phone rang, you picked it up without even looking at the name on the display. You thought that it's the pizza courier.

"I'm sorry man, I can't even walk. Can you go to the third floor, fifth door? On the back of the hall. You can't miss it." - You growled tiredly like a Golum, sounding really tired.

"If you tell me on which address, I will come. Are you expecting someone?" - You heard Steve's voice from the other side. His voice was breathy, so you knew that he's on his daily jog. You couldn't even know ho terrified he actually was because of the answer. You surely were expecting someone. Some man from yesterdays evening. 

His confidence slowly fell down from hundred to zero seriously fast. And you didn't even have to say or do anything for that matter.

"Yeah, queen Liz will be at my place aaaany minute." - You said quietly, but your fingers started to play with the necklace almost immediately. It was perfect and you never wanted to take it off. - "Just the pizza delivery guy. I'm hungry but too lazy to cook. It really made me tired yesterday."

"You were perfect." - He said breathlessly. Your lips curled into a slight smile. Steve was running around Brooklyn park with a perfectly dreamy look on his face. You two were such dorks - "I could not believe my eyes. You were so close and so full of life, so beautiful... Dear lord."

"Steve, you really knew which one am I? Didn't you look after Deena, May or Suzie? Because you surely are not talking about me." - The breath stuck in your breath and your heart was beating faster and faster. You probably had to stand just a few feet from him. He could basically touch you if he wanted to. And you wished that he have even when you knew that Steve wasn't that kind of a man.

"I was looking at you and only you. And what about that solo with your friend? I liked that. That was funny." - Steve smiled. You only heard yourself giggling and squealing. That made the big man a bit worried. He never heard you do those sounds so loudly. But now you had a serious hungover and you were just happy. There was nothing to hide anymore. - "Are you alright?"

"Yes, yes, I am. I perfectly am. Just... You were there, with me, watching us, maybe even singing and clapping, you gave me that beautiful necklace... And..." - You mumbled with the speed of light. You are so sweet. Steve found it nice to find someone so pure and so happy because of such a small thing which was completely natural for him.

"So you liked it?" - Steve stopped and breathed the six miles he just ran. His thighs and ass were slightly burning, that was a sign of a seriously good work out.

"I... I loved it. I will never take it off, I swear!" - You exclaimed. Your head and body hurt, but Steve has woken you up so much, that you have completely forgotten about that. That was just what Steve did to you daily. - "Also, it was you, am I right?"

"I was what?" - He laughed and you heard as he drank something.

"Ten grand out of our twenty-five? You did it, am I right?" - You smiled. Steve was obviously just a really good, real and honest man who cared about local charities. A good heart with a good soul - Steve obviously wasn't the one who would flex on you with his money. He would never.

"Maybe it was me, maybe it was not me. Do not care about that. I and my lads loved it yesterday so we wanted to let you know. Did you get that note?" - Steve asked, his voice tone suddenly changing from playful to hoping. You froze in one place. The note... THE note.

You must've lost it when you were taking the board from Tony Stark himself. Suddenly, you wanted to cry. It must've been something important for him.

"Oh Steve, I'm so sorry..." - You shuttered and sobbed as you were about to cry. What was the note about?

"Hey. Do not be sad, alright? It's not a big deal at all, Y/N. I'll think about something else, just keep your spirits up, sweetheart."

---

Even tho Steve acted like it was a no big deal, it was a huge one for him. He wrote you a short note, in which he was asking you on a serious date. Sam made him do it because he was so curious about your reaction - old school yes or no note with a date and a location. But you have lost it.

Steve wasn't mad, of course, he wasn't. But he has some high hopes for that. He was crazy about you saying yes, to finally meet you, take you out on a dinner and to be just... With you, your beauty and bright mind.

He was calling you throughout his entire jog and as you ate your pizza. In the end, he truly asked for your friend's number, because Bucky was persistent about getting to know that girl.

"I will hang up. I have a meeting with some friends today, but I can call you in the evening, is that alright?" - Steve stopped in front of his apartment door, adjusting the microphone on his earphones as he was searching for his keys.

"I will hopefully survive today. I will miss you, handsome." - You said in a sweet tone and Steve felt as his knees melt a bit. Now he could imagine your face and expression, your big shiny eyes and beautiful lips curling to a smile. And when Steve closed his eyes, the feeling became even more intense. You were perfect for him.

"Tell me about it. Be safe." - Steve basically purred and got into the apartment. Bucky immediately took notice of his lad and he smiled at Steve. His expression was telling so much without him even saying a word.

"I will, bye." - You sighed lightly and hung up.

"I should take a photo of you." - Bucky joked and when he said a word photo, Sam immediately hurried out of bedroom only in his boxers.

"Ma man just saw some boobs, didn't he?" - Sam clapped cheerfully and Steve just waved him off. Sam and boobs - that could've been an idea for a saga. - "Hope you got the number for Mr. I Will Teach About Jesus. He is just fuckin' persistent because of it."

"Got it. But now we should prepare for that big Avengers evening. Tony will be curious about that ten grand I gave to them." - Steve said cheesily with a laugh.

When he was taking another shower and dressing up, two texts were delivered to his phone. One of them was some Deena's number. Steve figured out that that was your friend's name.

The second one was a cute photo of you - your face, messy hair, slight smile and big eyes looking at him. You had a tank top on to show off your new necklace. The smile was definitely the cutest ever. He immediately needed to show Bucky.

"Yeah. She's... She's just perfect, pal. But I'm more interested in the first text." - Bucky winked. Steve couldn't be mad at him. Bucky always had a thing for girls which radiated that bad girl energy, those nasty ones who could kick his ass. And Deena, as you called her, was surely that type who could show men that she is completely on her own. 

---

The next day Deena yelled and ran to you just when tried to open the door to your office with a serious load of muffins.

“You won't believe anything im going to tell you, girl. Shut up and listen!” - She yelled all over the building and caught both your shoulders in an eager grip. 

“Okay. Stop yelling. I'm listening.” - You laughed to her face, and she rolled her eyes. 

“A man from that evening texted me this morning. Like... If I wanna hang out today.” - Deena whispered. Yeah. Steve informed you that James, his friend, is going to contact Deena. You just didn't expect it so soon. You had the thing going on for a few months and yet you havent seen him. But James asked Deena out instantly. Just like that. 

You were the jealous one at the moment. Yet you got a smile out of your lips which made you appear happy.

“That's awesome. Is he handsome?” - You asked curiously and entered the building with her by your side. You tried to be happy for James hitting his chances off immediately, yet you felt like Steve could it as well. Was it a problem in you, in him, in the universe, or where the fuck it was?

“As fuck. Man, if he lets me be my own woman and if he won't do the top between us just because he’s a man, I think I'm gonna see him again.” - Deena told you with a totally wicked smile and you opened your mouth. 

“That sounds like you’ve started with wedding plans. Can I be the grand-mother of your first child?” - You joked around and Deena stopped you with a gentle touch on your shoulder.

“Hey. I know what's this about. You're angry that James is initiative and Steve is just surrounded with mysteries. But... You know... James can be a jackass and I can tell you hes a complete dick tomorrow. But you and Steve have invested a few months of your life into that relationship you two have. You know each other. You call each other every day. I don't know James at all.” - She said in all seriousness. That's why she was your friend. She knew what was wrong without you even wanted her to. You hugged her tightly because she raised confidence inside of you.

“If James would act like a dick, I will say Steve to beat him the fuck up.” - You promised solemnly with your hand on your heart and entered the office. 

And so Deena and James started dating. And yet you felt like you and Steve were the first ones even if you haven’t seen each other.

[a-splash-of-stucky]

Hipster Horticulturist

Pairings: Steve & Natasha (Platonic)

Summary: “You have plants now,” she says.

Warnings: Implied canon-typical violence. Blood. Language.

WC: 1.6k

Notes: I actually adore the Steve/Nat dynamic and it’s a crying shame that I’ve never written it myself. Written for @happystevebingo using the prompt ‘Rooftop/Indoor Farming for Novices’.

consider this round 2 of my unofficial birthday celebration thingie :D

My Masterlist | Happy Steve Bingo Masterlist

She’s been hit.

Badly, but not badly enough to warrant a trip to a hospital or to a safehouse that has a proper surgical kit.

She hasn’t examined the wound up close, but she knows that it’s an ugly gash that marrs her left side, right on the edge of her body. 

At least nothing vital got nicked. 

The bleeding’s stopped for the most part, but it hurts like shit and she’s tired as fuck and honestly? A nap right now would be pretty fucking amazing, thank you very much.

She parks her dilapidated, sputtering truck a couple of blocks away from his warehouse, ‘cause old habits just can’t be shaken. She hasn’t dropped by a for a visit in a while, but she’s confident that he isn’t going to turn her way; it’s not in his nature. She fervently hopes that he’s back from that kerfuffle in Wyoming. If not, she’s going to have to shimmy her way in through his kitchen window, and that is not something that she’s inclined to do in her current state.

From the outside, the warehouse is as unassuming as it always it, with its peeling paint and crumbling roof. There’s a flickering light in the living room window, which is a pretty good indication that he’s home. Armed with that knowledge, she slips her key into the lock, punches in her passcode, and silently slips in through the front door.

The first thing she notices when she steps inside is the greenery hanging from the ceiling. There’s a collection of hanging plants arranged in two parallel rows, their leaves drooping over the sides of their clear pots. She feels as if she’s just stepped into a hipster cafe in downtown.

What the fuck?

There’s a low murmur of voices coming from the living room and she limps towards the source of the sound, wincing as the injury in her side makes itself more known. She finds Steve reclining on his couch, head pillowed on one arm, body turned towards the TV. He’s got some History Channel documentary on.

“Hi Nat,” he says, without turning to face her. “I was startin’ to think you’d forgotten about me.”

“You have plants now,” she says. It’s a statement, not a question, and a ridiculous statement at that — which is saying something, since she’s had to say some pretty outlandish things in her life.

“Nice, huh?” he says, as he pushes himself into a sitting position. It’s then that he properly takes in her appearance, notices the way she’s standing; a crease appears between his brows. Nonetheless, he continues with his train of thought.

“They’re air plants, get their water from the air. Great for people who forget to water their plants — or for people who have to go on extended missions.”

She blinks, still convinced that this is some sort of strange dream. “You’re one of those people now.”

Steve snorts, getting to his feet and stretching his arms over his head. The movement causes his t-shirt to ride up slightly, exposing a strip of his belly. “One of those people?” he echoes.

“A hipster!”

He laughs. “You make it sound like that’s a bad thing.”

“It is!”

“Is hipster even the right word for it?” he asks.

“You’re a hipster horticulturist,” she says accusingly. “I can’t believe you. How could you — betray me?”

Steve gives her one of those slow, amused smirks of his. “I think the blood loss is making you delusional,” he says calmly.

“You — ugh, fine. Whatever,” she mutters grumpily, too tired to argue any further.

She hops onto the back of the L-shaped couch and swings her legs over, eager to lie down on something soft. Tempting as it might be to just plop down carelessly, she chooses to carefully curl up in the corner of the couch, not wanting to aggravate her injuries any further.

“I was gonna put a towel under you,” Steve sighs, “Nevermind. The covers could use a wash anyway.”

Natasha grunts in response. Already, she can feel herself starting to drift off, the exhaustion slamming into her system at full force. The last thing she sees before sleep pulls her under are the books stacked neatly on the coffee table, featuring titles such as ‘Indoor Farming for Novices!’ and ‘Grow Your Home-Garden’.

Seriously. Who the fuck is this man and what the hell did he do to Steven Grant Rogers?

——

She wakes up to find that her shirt and jacket had been stripped off sometime during the night, and a white bandage had been wrapped around her middle. Already, her injury is not nearly as painful as it was when she came in. Somewhere off to her right, she can hear Steve pottering around like the hundred-year-old grandpa that he is, humming under his breath as he — wait, what is that trickling sound?

Is he watering plants?

Natasha cracks her eyes open and sits up. Gingerly. With a lot of internal swearing and grumbling about the fucking Italian mafia. Damn them.

She turns around to see Steve bent over some shelves beside the stairs.

“Mornin’!” he chirps, possibly sensing her eyes on him.

“Hi,” she croaks, voice hoarse from sleep.

“Coffee’s in the kitchen,” he tells her.

Well. That’s something.

She shuffles over to the kitchen and pours herself a large mug, groaning gratefully as the bitter, warm liquid swirls down her throat and rejuvenates her system. She cradles the mug in her hands as she pads over to Steve, eager to investigate.

As it turns out, he is indeed watering the plants. Steve’s got an impressive array of them, she discovers — succulents and tiny cacti. Some are arranged in sleek glass bowls, others in terracotta or ceramic pots. Everything’s a mish-mash of different shapes and sizes and colours, but despite the eclecticness, it all somehow manages to work together.

“Neat, huh?” Steve asks, as he straightens up. He’s wearing a black t-shirt with some faded blue jeans, and his hair’s slightly damp like he’s just come out of the shower.

“There’re a few good gardening stores around here, and at least one of ‘em has a good deal on at any time — I’ve collected these guys over the past few weeks,” he says, talking in that proud voice that one gets when they’re talking about their children.

She supposes that he’s nurtured them as if they’re his children, so it’s pretty understandable.

“This one’s my favourite,” he tells her, pointing to a stubby plant that resembles a flattened pinecone. It’s got fleshy leaves which are green towards the centre, but fade into a light red at the tips.

“I call ‘im James ‘cause he died on me, but then resurrected himself after I gave him a new home.”

Natasha blinks. There are so many things to process in that sentence.

“You give your plants names?” she squawks.

“Yeah,” says Steve, like it’s an obvious fact. “Not all of ‘em, though, just the special ones.”

Oh God. He has favourites, now.

“You uh,” she pauses, choosing her words carefully. “James because of—”

“‘Cause of Bucky, yeah,” Steve says, nodding. “Maybe that’s a bit dark and all, but I think he’d get a kick out of it if he were here.”

They are silent, for a brief moment, the air suddenly tinged with a note of sadness. Their search for Barnes has yielded them nothing, and she knows that Steve’s faith is being pushed to the limits. She wants to comfort him and say that they’ll find him, but she knows that they would both see through the lie. If the Winter Soldier does not want to be found, then the Winter Soldier shall not be found.

“Anyway, let me show you the rest of the family,” Steve says, swiftly turning the subject to happier things. He lopes off to the kitchen and gestures for her to follow. “C’mon through!”

Natasha gives a quick prayer to the heavens above and hopes that Rogers has not yet lost his sanity. He may be a hundred, but she sure as heck isn’t letting him go senile.

——

The next time she visits him, it’s two months later and the Steve has taken his gardening to the next level.

At least this visit is out of want and not because of necessity; he’s invited her over for dinner.

Natasha heads into the kitchen and sees that there are small pots lined up along the kitchen window sill, behind the sink. All manner of green plants are sprouting from the black earth, their leaves turned to catch the last rays of the sinking sun.

“I decided to experiment,” Steve tells her, as he drains the pasta. “Herbs are a little harder to keep alive — but they’re a lot more useful, so I guess you win some, you lose some.”

He dumps the drained pasta into the tomato sauce, gives everything a quick stir, then turns off the heat.

“What’re your growing?” she asks, even though she can already identify every plant on the sill, given that she’s a trained field operative, and all.

“That one’s basil,” he says, gesturing to the closest plant. “And then I’ve got parsley here, some mint, chives, and — ooh, the watercress is doing nicely, I hadn’t noticed.”

Natasha watches, a small smile on her lips as Steve tells her about each plant. He’s so — proud. There’s a smile tugging on the corners of his lips and a happy glint in his eyes. She can’t deny the fact that the plants are obviously doing something good for him.

He’s at peace, she realises. He’s found happiness out here, with his house filled to the brim with greenery.

“Y’know,” she says suddenly, interrupting Steve’s spiel about his chervil. “I got a...well, maybe ‘got’ is the wrong word, but I know a farm down in West Virginia — a big place. I could use someone to fix it up. Maybe...maybe you could see what it’s like to have a vegetable patch?”

Steve grins. “I’d like that.”

[scarlette-joel-writing]

Erased Pt. 4

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Requested by: Me. 

Warnings: Yall already know. 

A/N I think im just gonna give up with telling you how long this thing is gonna be. It will be done when I think its ready to be done LOL 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5  Part 6  Part 7 Part 8  Part 9 Part 10  Part 11  Part 12 Part 13

~

The mind is a complex and vast place.

Filled to the brim with all of the conscious and subconscious things that you remember or know. Every fact that you have ever learned, every word that you have ever spoken, every memory that you have ever had is stored within your head. Memories that you don’t believe you have or believe that you might have forgotten are there as well. Every single moment of a person’s life Is stored within their mind.

It is just a matter of retrieving the information that you want. It’s a matter of sifting through the data to find what you need.

Let’s see if I can put it into simpler terms. The mind is like a huge, never-ending warehouse that is filled to the brim with rows upon rows of filing cabinets. And in these filing cabinets is every action you have ever done. Every word that you have ever spoken. Every date you have been on and every test that you have ever taken. All of these memories and moments of your life are stored in your head.

And all of your conscious knowledge. All of the facts that you know and the words that you can speak. All of the memories that you can recall. Those are all located in the 10% of the brain that humans can actually use. Everything you know is located in 10%. Just imagine what things are hiding in the other 90% in your subconscious.

And there is no organization to these memories. Every person is different and that means that every person’s mind is different. In some places it is well lit and clean and stable. And in other cases there are no lights and there are spiders and cobwebs everywhere. Some might have their brain organized chronologically or by the importance of the memory. Other might have the happy memories first or vice versa.

And in my case at the moment, my mind is black. Everything is black and I cant see or hear or feel anything. But I am acutely aware that I am still in my own head. I am aware that I am thinking but there is nothing to think of.

Where my brain differs from other peoples is in the fact that I can use all 100% of my brain. Kind of like that movie that came out a while ago with the woman who looked a lot like Natasha Romanoff, but not exactly. I don’t see strings of numbers like her. But because I can use all of my brain, I know everything that has ever happened in my life. Every word I have ever read. Every answer to every test that I have ever taken. I can remember names of thousands upon thousands of people, and I can see not only my memories but the memories that I have taken from other people.

Like right now. If I was a normal person and I had passed out, I would be dreaming. Or everything would just be black and I wouldn’t even know that I was passed out, but because I am who I am, I can still sense the outside world and I can still sense that I am somewhere different from where I usually am. Usually I like the quiet and the peace, but not when I cant control it. Not when I cant turn it off and go back to reality.

When I am not in control, things start to get a little shaky.

I close my mind’s eye for a second before I allow myself to “sit down” on the floor of my dark mind and cross my legs. If I cant help the situation that I am in. If I cant fight my way out of it, then I might as well take this moment to do a bit of meditating. Try to find some good out of all of the shit that has happened.

I am sitting there for almost 2 days, TWO FREAKING DAYS, when I can feel my outside body begin to stir. See, sometimes there isn’t really a connection between my body and my brain. I have a really strong mind that I can do a lot with but I have a really weak body that really doesn’t want to follow any rules that I give it. My brain gets hurt? It bounces straight back. My body takes a beating from a genetically enhanced super soldier that was trying to kill me? Suddenly it doesn’t want to function correctly. I don’t get it.

“Fuck,” is the first thing out of my mouth as I open my eyes to the bright eyes overhead. I can feel the pain radiating throughout my body and the way that my muscles twitch every few seconds from the complete and utter beating that they took almost 46 hours ago. I don’t even attempt to move. I just stay where I am and hope that it all goes away

“Y/N” someone says and when I open my eyes again and look down, I can just see that everyone in the complex is staring at me. Looking at me like I am a lost puppy. Cap, Sam, and Vision are on one side of me, Tony and Clint in front of me and Natasha, Wanda, and Bruce on the other side of me. I am down in Med bay, laying in a bed and it makes me wanna laugh. Looks like the roles have reversed.

“Hello,” I say as I take a deep breath, immediately regretting that decision because my lungs feel like a dagger went through them.

“Thought we had lost you there for a second. You have been out almost 2 days,” Sam says to me as he hands me a cup of water. Natasha pushes a button on the side of the bed to put me in a sitting position, an action that does nothing but cause me to writhe in pain, and then I take a sip of water. It feels like a glacier running down my throat and I love it.

“Oh trust me, I know exactly how long I was out,” I take another look around the room and I see that I completely skipped over the fact that someone isn’t present at my little “youre alive” party. “Where is Barnes? Still recovering from the beating I gave him?” I laugh. But I seem to be the only one. Suddenly no one will look at me. Suddenly the floor has become the most interesting thing in the world. “Guys. Where is Bucky?”

“He hasn’t left his room since you passed out, Y/N,” Cap says and I just give him a look that tells him that I am utterly confused.

“Yes, the boy seems to think that locking himself in a room and refusing meals is going to make you better,” comes Tony’s response. “Oh, and next time you decide you want to bleed all over a carpet, can you make sure that it is not my very expensive carpet? Thank you,” Tony takes a step forward, puts his hand on my leg and then gives me a wink. “But I am glad that you are okay,” and then he is gone.

Ah Tony. Always the closeted sap.

“Someone help me up. I need to go talk to bucky,” I am pulling out IV’s and tubes, trying to move the blankets.

“You are not going anywhere Y/N,” Cap says as he comes over and puts a hand on my shoulder. “You just woke up from a two day coma. Bucky can wait a bit,”

“I wasn’t asking, Captain,” I say as I shake his arm off of me.

“And neither was I. It was an order,”

“Then I guess it is a good thing that I am not really a part of your team, now isn’t it?” And with that, I pull myself up off the bed and take a few shaky steps to the elevator. My body doesn’t want to cooperate with me but I have to tell Bucky that this isn’t his fault. I hit the button and the elevator opens and then closes behind me a few seconds later. “Floor 27,” I say as we descend.

Walking is hard. And walking with bruises and cuts all over your body after not having moved for two days is even harder. I can feel the way that my shoulders sag and I hate it. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like I cant do anything. Even though my brain is running at top speed right now.

I get off the elevator and into the living room of Bucky’s apartment. It is clean and nice and empty. I make my way to his bedroom door, which I know is his because every floor has the same layout, and I knock.

“Go away, Steve. I am not in the mood,” I can hear his voice come from the other side and it sends a shiver down my spine. So small. So weak. So broken. All of those feelings and emotions flood through me as I stand there on the other side of the door. I have never heard him like that before. Never heard him sound so distraught. Could that really be because of me?

I knock again.

“Go away, Steve.” He doesn’t yell and he doesn’t seem angry. He just seems sad. So much sadness.

“Well, I am not Steve,” I say and then I can hear the flying of feet and the unlocking of the door before I am brought face to face with James Buchanan Barnes himself. Staring down at me with wide eyes. “And I am not going away. I am pretty hard to get rid of,”

“Oh my god, Y/N,” he whispers and then he wraps his flesh arm around my waist and pulls me to his chest. It knocks the wind out of me a bit but I let my shock overtake the pain at the fact that I am stood here, hugging Bucky Barnes. I can feel Bucky’s head nestle into the crook of my neck and it makes my heart begin to beat faster. “Oh my god, I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry. I cant believe that I did that to you. I cant believe that you almost died because of me. I am so sorry,” he keeps repeating over and over again. I just wrap my arms around his neck and rub small circles on his back.

“It isn’t your fault, Bucky. Im not mad at you, and I didnt come up here to get mad at you. I came to make sure that you were alright. The guys tell me that you haven’t been eating,” I pull him back from the hug to see the dark dark circles under his eyes. “And apparently you haven’t been sleeping well either,” he scoffs.

“How could I sleep knowing that you might not have woken up from me beating you?!” I just grab his hand and pull him back into the bedroom. Over to the bed. And then I make him sit. I go around to the other side of the bed and sit as well because my everything hurts and I am tired. “I did this to you,”

“No. Hydra did this to me. And tomorrow we will talk about a more permanent solution to the problem of you going all super soldier on us. But for tonight, I would really like to sleep,” I pat the bed next to me, and he hesitantly lays down. He keeps his distance, not that I mind too much because I don’t think that I am fully recovered from that hug earlier, but I look over at him and smile. “Ill make the memories go away,” I whisper to him with a soft smile and he looks at me with wide eyes.

“No, Y/N-“ he begins.

“I will make them go away for tonight. Just for tonight. No nightmares. No dreams. No any of that. Just a well-deserved rest that both of us need. Okay?” I look back at him with raised eyes and he nods his head and lays back against the pillow.

“Alright,” he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and I do the same. I let my mind open to allow his thoughts in and he can seem to sense my presence because all thoughts go quiet. Not that I mind too much. I just myself drift off to sleep where there is nothing but blackness.

And the warmth of a body less than 2 feet away from me.

Taglist: 

@jacks-on-krack @tbetz0341 @haleypearce @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @zestygingergirl

[mousepatrol]

8.8.17

so the reason im not posting this on the correct day is because our power is out right now. I completely forgot, but our powers supposed to be out from 8pm to 3pm which is completely stupid because the sun goes down right at 8 so that’s when I would need to start using it. I mean, they could have done it at around midnight when all reasonable people are asleep, or at least ten, when people are usually done eating and theyre just hanging out. You know? Also Im using word for this so that’s why things are being autocorrected

so, my day. Trash galore, folks.

I turned off my alarm last night because I didn’t think it was doing me any good and I was getting worried that I was just making myself sleep deprived for when school starts, so I went to bed around 3 or maybe even 4 (cant even fucking remember why at this point, I didn’t have shit to do) and then I woke up at 1145. Could have been worse but also could have been a lot better. So I wasn’t that tired bc I hadn’t been woken up 120000 times and I managed to actually be awake for a while. I fucked around on the computer for an hour and then made some pasta because apparently I cant eat anything else anymore. My appetite is shit

I ate like… only half of my food before I had to get ready to leave bc my mom was having a showing of the house and that means I have to leave. So I decided I was just going to go to the gym oh but I forgot something happened while I was going downstairs to cook

I made a short textpost about this already but I ran into my mom (who was in my brothers bathroom and I therefore thought she wasn’t home) and she told me that my dad had cancelled the flight he had for when I go back to school. So basically he was going to come out with me and help me move in even though I told him I wouldn’t really need that much help this time, since I already have all of my stuff and my new place is furnished. But when I had just gotten home, he insisted, and so he booked a flight with me. Also my parents told me that my car should be low on gas when I put it in storage so it was and it turns out that’s completely wrong so he was going to help me with my car also. It needs to go to the shop too just for like oil and stuff

Um so yeah apparently hes the biggest baby ever and my mom still wanted me to apologize to him and I think I did a good job of telling her that no, I should not apologize for my tiny bad thing (telling my dad several times to be quiet in increasingly sarcastic ways, bc I was watching jeopardy and he would not stop talking and I cant hear it when hes talking bc bad ears) when he wont even apologize for calling me a piece of shit and running away upstairs and banging things around and making me scared. That’s not acceptable and even though I recognize that I could have handled it better, I think that my response of annoyance (after days upon days of him doing this same thing while I try to tell him to not) was reasonable and honestly the things I said caused no harm. I wasn’t making fun of him. I was ONLY making jokes that had to do with the clues and turning them into ways of telling him to be quiet because I cant hear. I did tell him more nicely to be quiet in the beginning though. I really did. But he just wont stop with this shit and I don’t have infinite patience, even though it’s a lot better than I used to be

Um so yeah. Ok I wrote that for the last paragraph, interesting. But I mean im not mad about him not going, its not like I wanted him there anyway and I knew it would make me very uncomfortable and he would have to get a hotel bc theres nowhere for him to sleep, but its still a bit jarring and frankly just awful that he did that instead of either telling me okay and being quiet or I don’t know, saying im gonna leave the room while you watch it then bc I cant be quiet. Either of those would have been fine but instead of thinking internally about the things he was doing, he projected stuff onto me and just called me a piece of shit. I don’t really know how you can do that as a parent. I cant help but critique him, but at least im not just insulting him. You know? Is that reasonable? Ugh. But anyway, turns out theres a 711 right next to the storage place so if my car is out of gas I can either use the tiny bit that’s left to get it over to 711 or just like get gas from there and bring it to my car. Either way it is possible. I also just need someone to pick me up from the airport but my mom said she would figure that out. So, really, im fine. It’s the circumstance that is just very upsetting, you know. Its just not something that needed to happen and now im mad/scared of him for the rest of the time im here and im just over it as hell

Ok… so I ate lunch and then got ready for the gym bc that’s where I was going. So I went and then I actually went to target first bc I was out of soap, so I got better smelling soap than the one I had last and some more conditioner bc I was also out and I got a pair of comfy shorts that are a little too small for my ass but ill make due because I need more than one pair of shorts. And those other shorts really don’t fit me, I cannot wear them out lol. Then I went to the gym bc it was arm day and that went pretty well and I did it pretty quick so it was tiring for sure. And I came back and had a nice shower and sang against me! Songs really loud because I got tickets to see them in October that Im really psyched about and I just want to listen to them more. Oh man I love laura jane grace she is just so wonderful omg I am so glad to have her in the community its wonderful

So after all of that I went downstairs to get the rest of my pasta that I had put in the fridge, and it was like 6pm and I realized I probably didn’t want to be downstairs tonight so I also got some crackers and cheese and fruits snacks and extra water because I wasn’t sure if I was going to get to eat again (I probably only ate 500 calories today im upset L). So then I went upstairs to eat and I watched the great british bake off which is really nice and I quite like it a lot. Its calming and fun. After that I did a reply because dex replied to two of my threads today so I got one out for him since I want to get that thread going, aaaand about thirty minutes after that the power went off at eight. I had seriously forgotten about that so I don’t know, I kind of just accepted my fate

Im not really sure what exactly happened there, because I felt like I was fine before (was legit browsing dildos online lmfao like I was just bored yknow) but when the power was out I got kind of upset and just… took my plush cow and sat on my bed as the sun went down and just. Stared. Catherine, bless her fucking heart, texted me after like 30 minutes out of the blue so I luckily I had her to talk to for at least a little while. I was feeling shitty before yeah now that I think about it, after my shower I was upset and felt like I was gonna cry but I didn’t and I just sent james some snaps and he said he was gonna text me but he didn’t and that’s ok I think he went to bed because he didn’t open my other snaps. Its ok. He doesn’t need to contact me every minute for me to know that he cares. I love him so much and I sent him a quick text just to tell him that because I always do that when I feel bad just because eventually he replies and it always makes me feel good.

Ok so I cried like two times between eight and nine thirty when I was just sitting there, laying on my bed and texting Catherine about when school starts. I just felt really down because I remember having to turn the lights off around ten and it doesn’t really get a lot darker than it does in the summer at eight (I mean ten during schooltime when I was younger) and I just remember not having any light and no one to talk to or text and I couldn’t read and my parents would lock my computer out at ten so I couldn’t talk to anyone and I just remember being very very lonely and feeling like no one cared about me and not being able to talk to the people that I felt like truly did care about me. So I remember doing a lot of crying in bed in the evenings when I was like 12-16 and its just really sad, you know? i would cry myself to sleep a lot and all I could do was lay there and listen to music because ive always been really bad at sleeping so it would never come at ten even if I really wanted to sleep then. It just didn’t happen. So sitting there in my bed tonight just made me feel like this little kid trapped in this room and I cant go downstairs because im scared of people being bad to me and I cant go out and in my room I have to sit in the dark and its just all very bad. I forgot about all of that. Im an adult now and I can have the lights on when I want but I guess its upsetting for me to not be in control of that

Come to think of it, its also very upsetting when people tell me to go to bed. I talked to this one girl in my rp a lot (she doesn’t talk to me that much now, she talks to another person, I don’t know why and I do feel lonelier now but I guess she wasn’t that nice to talk to anyway so im alright) and if I was up when she woke up (8hhr time difference) she would spam me messages telling me to go to bed and I already knew my schedule but she wouldn’t shut up. I don’t know, that’s just something

Also I hate hearing people say my name. it makes me flinch every time and I think someones going to scream at me. I think that’s half the reason I wanted to change my name when I was going through gender stuff. I just didn’t want to hear that name anymore. Which is sad. Because I do love it, and maybe its not so bad when im not in this house bc its just my parents voices saying my name that really bothers me

So after 930 I went downstairs and got a candle and brought it up and I did a bit of drawing but it got annoying after about half an hour. At some point my dad came to my door and said something that I didn’t understand, so I didn’t say anything and he went away. Then I read catcher in the rye for about an hour (only got through like 35 pages) and now im writing this entry on whats left of my computer battery. Im charging my phone off of this just so it has power, since it was dying, and it looks like I have at least part of an episode of skam saved onto here so I guess im just going to watch that until I fall asleep because I always fall asleep to youtube videos. Im going to have to download some movie or something onto here so that I have that to fall asleep to in case if something like this happens again. Ok I know this was long but theres a lot of good stuff in there so hopefully this will help in therapy or something later. Things are really rough mentally right now and I just want to go home, you know. Ive wanted to go home for absolutely years, though. Idk where home is. bye

[samingtonwilson]

Acquainted - Jim Kirk

Title: Acquainted 

Pairing: Jim Kirk x reader

Prompt: acquainted by the weeknd

Word count: 1,724 (im not sure what it is without the lyrics, sorry)

Warnings: language

Author’s note: first song in the bbtm series i’m gonna do! it’s not the first in the album track listing but since i’m only doing my favorite songs, i figured the order didn’t matter. this turned out a lot more sweet than i wanted but the song is kind of sweet (or at least. sweet for the weeknd) so i guess it’s justified. i also REALLY didn’t want to use the word acquaintance in the story BUT I COULDN’T THINK OF ANOTHER WORD. whatevs, ENJOY N TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! i actually really like this one.

Baby you’re no good Cause they warned me ‘bout your type girl, I’ve been ducking left and right Baby you’re no good Think I fell for you, I fell for you, I fell for you

Jim took a seat across from you— he didn’t ask, he didn’t wait for you to acknowledge his presence. He looked relaxed with his worn grey leather jacket and simple t-shirt underneath. He was clutching his scotch glass with an unbelievably tough grip, though, like he was using it for stability.

He had been told by Leonard not to bother you: “Leave her be,” he said, muttering into his glass. He knew how long Jim had been stopping himself— for weeks, actually— so Leonard’s  half-hearted scoldings and warnings were done without confidence of being paid heed. Jim wasn’t the strongest proponent of self control, nor was he the strongest follower of its path— weeks were long enough. Weeks made it worth the risk.

He was tracing your features with his glossy blue eyes. It wasn’t that he hadn’t seen beauty before, he was surrounded by beauty. But something about the unbothered way with which you looked back at him and the little attention you paid him kept him planted there. He couldn’t move.

You got me puttin’ time in, time in Nobody got me feeling this way You probably think I’m lying, lying I’m used to bitches comin’ right ‘way

“Can I help you with something, Captain?”

Your voice was monotonous, uninterested. Though his eyes narrowed in reaction, he stayed put.

“We’re on shore leave,” he said with a small smile. “You can call me Jim.”

You nodded once. You didn’t look at him. “Aye, aye, Captain.”

He watched you a little while longer. He sat in silence and was thinking of what to say next. He wasn't accustomed to needing to do that. He prided himself on his wit— he could speak his way out of any situation, he could strike and maintain a conversation with a wall if need be.

“It seems like you want to be left alone.”

Your eyes flashed. You tilted your head and wrinkled your nose, more expression in your face now than he’d ever seen. “What makes you think that?”

He leaned forward. His elbows sat against the sticky table and his leather jacket was nearly glued to the surface. He watched your eyes and slowly watched parts of you unravel— slowly, almost achingly slowly. “It’s like every word out of my mouth is a punishment.”

You clicked your tongue softly. Your smile had shrunk to allow an expression of very faux sadness. You laughed through your nose a moment later. “Now don’t think that. I quite like this— I’m just waiting.”

“Waiting? For?” His thick eyebrows were raised.

“Your routine, of course. Surely I’m worthy of experiencing the great James T. Kirk routine the ship’s perpetually abuzz about.”

When you continued to look at him directly in the eyes— your irises alive from Jim’s off-guard demeanor— Jim had to stop himself from lunging across the table and claiming your pursed lips with his.

You bit down on your bottom lip then and leaned your chin onto your hand, propped up by your elbow against the table. “Unless, of course, I’m not worthy. Or you’ve got a new routine for me.”

“I’m surprised you reduced yourself to my routine, let alone consider yourself unworthy.” He took a sip of his drink and watched you as you watched him. “Maybe you’re too good for a routine.”

“You don’t have to flatter me to convince me. I’m already wondering if we’re going to your place or mine.”

You got me touchin’ on your body You got me touchin’ on your body To say that we’re in love is dangerous But girl I’m so glad we’re acquainted, oh

I get you touchin’ on your body I get you touchin’ on your body I know I’d rather be complacent But girl I’m so glad we’re acquainted We’re acquainted

None of it was allowed. Not fraternizing with a crewmember on board, not booking unnecessary appointments in the medbay, not choosing a physician with which there is a personal relationship, and especially not having sex in an empty exam room.

Yet you and Jim, just moments after being tangled in one another, did your best to slip your uniforms back on and into place. He stood near the far wall and you sat on the countertop, careful not to knock your respective communicators to the ground. Your hair was tangled and was missing Jim’s fingers that were only just combed through the strands. Your lips, now not moving in sync and against his, felt cold. You crossed your legs then, attempting to seem casual when your limbs still felt gelatinous and unsteady. You regulated your breathing. You told yourself to focus on something.

As Jim zipped his trousers and redid his belt, he spared you more than enough glances. He wanted to look as unaffected, unfazed as you did. So he didn’t smile, didn’t frown— no emotional indications, he would repeat to himself no matter how badly his lips twitched.

The both of you were only a few weeks into your routine that Jim could only deem self-destructive— at least when referring to himself. Self-destructive because your simultaneous lack and overload of emotional indications tortured his every thought— how could you kiss him the way you did, look at him the way you did, only to return to the silent, uninterested corner you frequented? Self-destructive because he made himself believe the only antidote to such torture lied in you— that he needed to return to you each time you frustratingly confused him, that there was no other way to find a moment of peace. Self-destructive because all of this, save for the Starfleet regulation-breaking, was unlike him— weeks spending nights with the same person, weeks thinking about the same person, weeks unable to focus on anything else.

He was a firm believer that all sources of contentment, of happiness, of smug confidence resided in him. It was safer that way— less messy. But, for some reason, this mess, this utter obliteration of every ego-bricked wall he sat behind brought him happiness, contentment, smugness he’d never found within himself. Unfortunately, it also brought along an unmatched level of irritation, of frustration, of total teeth-gritting aggravation when your walls, bricked with an ego similar to that which lied scattered in front of him, came down and rebuilt themselves upon your whim.

Words came spilling from his mouth before he could help it. “What is this?”

You looked up from your fingernails. “An exam room.”

“Yeah?” he said with a laugh. He shook his head. “I meant you and I. What the fuck are we even doing?”

“Right now, we’re talking. In general, I don’t know.”

“That doesn’t bother you? The not knowing.”

You bit down on your swollen bottom lip. Your gaze remained in his unwaveringly. “Does it bother you?”

“Kind of.” He groaned internally. He gave you a mile, and you still couldn’t be bothered to give him a centimeter.

“Okay. Do you have feelings for me?”

He gave you another mile. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“Yes, no— both.” He sighed. His blue eyes were tired and his blonde hair messy. “Maybe.”

“I don’t know what to do about maybe.” You extended your hand and wiggled your fingers until he stepped forward and took it. You looked directly into his eyes. “Friends or acquaintances? It’s your choice.”

‘Cause every time I try to, try to, try to run The fast life keeps gaining on me (the fast life keeps gaining on me,) shit But ever since I met you (ever since I met you) I couldn’t believe what you did So comfort me babe, ain’t no rush from me babe

Blue, yellow, and black fabric sat in individual piles on the floor. Old music— something a younger Jim would listen to when the noises of his home, of the world outside his bedroom were unpleasant— played and was forgotten. Coffee was filled in two mugs also forgotten under the replicator.

Jim stared down at you. You stared up at Jim. He found your eyes more and more astonishing each day, and he could only think how boring and unexciting you found the blue of his. You didn’t look away, though— no matter how many times you told yourself to, you couldn’t look away. He found that odd.

The gradual unraveling was unnerving, yet satisfying. The brightness of your eyes took longer to fade now and the humor, sadness, happiness, anger, disgust, elation in your voice was now ever-present. You had spent the night the last five nights— on your own accord. The first two nights you pushed his arm away when you thought he was asleep, but the following three you scooted in closer to him.

You moved slowly— much slower than he would’ve liked but much faster than he thought he would’ve liked. But with you, with the mix of emotions the sight of you inspired, he modified his thinking. He adjusted, he slowed, he paced.

It surprised him. He’d always known himself to be headstrong— just not in these matters. He never gave himself the time he needed and, when he was able to, he didn’t need it. He didn’t need time at all, he only needed the reassurance that the time he spent waiting wouldn’t be wasted.

“You’re really good,” you said softly, reaching up to brush your cold fingertips over his cheekbone. “As a person, you’re really, really good.”

He kissed your palm when you held the side of his face. He kept his eyes on you. “So are you.”

You shook your head. “You’re honest. And you’re present, and open, and I don’t know why you’re even here.”

“Because I want to be,” he said even though he thought it would’ve been obvious. He lowered himself a little to press his lips from your forehead, to your cheek, to your jaw, and to your neck.

“Even if I need time? To feel the way you do.”

He could feel the comforting vibrations of your voice against his lips but didn’t feel any hesitation meeting your eyes again. Before kissing you again, he simply told you, “I can wait.”

I’m not tryna talk at all Tryna love you crazy