#im just tired. this sucks. im tired of feeling like everyone else has smth i dont

[piplupod]

i would pay.... an exorbitant amount of money to just be normal. just. so much money. bc then i could work and make it all back eventually. and i could have friends properly instead of barely interacting except once every few days for like three mins before i disappear again bc i get tired and afraid. idk what normal means exactly but i am so tired of being like this. i just want to feel like a person who is allowed to interact with other people :|

[toastsnaffler]

SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK

[sunlightfeeling]

god i forgot how much i liked that cohost hid a lot of metrics…

(much ranting in the tags…)

[dungeonmeshi-confessions]

in the past few months ive gotten REALLY into dunmeshi, and i think its one of my favorite works of media ever. kuis storytelling is absolutely gorgeous and i really admire how deeply human each character is. i interact with the fandom a good bit now, and i gotta say im so tired of it. almost all the discourse is about shipping and nothing else, and im sick of it, theres so much else to talk about

dunmeshi has some of the most gorgeous worldbuilding ive seen in fiction and it sucks that people care more about ships. "just say you dont like a ship and move on" doesnt cut it for me anymore, because why are we so fixated on ships anyways?? like, there are so many deep, meaningful friendships in the series that people could explore, and it feels weird that people are so fixated on romances they made up that theyre willing to throw a fit over people not agreeing, instead of appreciating the bonds characters have in canon

idk, that got a bit rambly, but tldr: people are so fixated on the idea of romance that theyre willing to bowl over the connections characters have in canon, or mischaracterize them completely, all to make them fit into ships, and that kinda weirds me out. i think everyone in the fandom needs to take a shipping detox or smth

.

[jakowskis]

Loved ‘an ugly picture, you & me’ so so much. Srsly I read it like 10 times and still won’t get tired of it. It’s such a great piece of writing. Now my question: Do you already if ur gonna post more Torchwood fanfic?? (no pressure obv, writing is so so hard and I admire everyone who actually manages to finish their stories).

oh my goodness thank you so much 🥺 that means the world to me im so glad you liked it so much

man ok so. heres the thing. djkfds aaa idek how to talk abt this it makes me feel stupid fdshkfj. basically i have dx'd ocd and it affects my writing process a Lot. im exceptionally critical n perfectionistic when it comes to my writing, and when my ocd's at its worse, i can reread things literally hundreds of times. this makes my editing process a fucking nightmare. an ugly picture was... a Journey, i wrote the bulk of it in like a month or two bc i was Inspired, and that period of inspiration just flowing was super nice - but then i spent literally half a year obsessing over editing and figuring out a few sections i couldnt get to work and it was. rlly rlly unhealthy and messy. like that was a stereotypical Mentally Ill Artist™ moment for me 😭 i was unmedicated during that process and honestly im still impressed with myself for managing to finish and post it anyway.

and after posting it... this might not make sense unless u have ocd but that fic is, like, tainted in my head, and im not allowed to touch it as a result. which is RLLY fucking annoying and sad bc i wrote it for Me and it was a labor of love yanno, and i am proud of it, like during writing i was like 'man this is one of the best things ive written, im genuinely proud of this' and ive gotten some absolutely wonderful reception - but i cant exactly place why, idk if it was the torment of the editing process or a fear of experiencing that specific brand of anxiety again (if i reread it and run into errors it might kill me 😭)... either way at this point in time im legitimately unable to revisit that fic. and its been like this since i posted it, so... for nearly five months ;-; and im kind of having a similar experience with torchwood as a whole tbh. like my whole fandom experience + relationship with this fixation has been bastardized to all hell bc of ocd issues. it all feels very... dirty right now.

which fucking sucks, cuz torchwood's one of my fav fixations ive ever had, it became so important to me so fast and it's probably hit special interest territory at this point - but it sucks what a thin line it is between obsessing over a hyperfixation, and compulsively engaging with something. it sucks when the serotonin u get from smth also gets laced with pervasive anxiety. my recent main issue with ocd has been avoidance - i went from obsessively going thru torchwood clips to being unable to watch it at all bc the very thought of doing so makes me so anxious.

(so, tldr? my mental illness garbage is interfering w my interests and my ability to engage with fandom, to my chagrin, and that's why i haven't posted anything else.)

that being said: between april 2023 and now i have written 180k words of torchwood fanfic. im endlessly fascinated and inspired by these characters, particularly by owen who has lowkey proven to be my muse lol. (he sits in my mind palace on top of a, like, literal fancy ass corinthian pedestal and his one job is to sit still n look pretty and sad but instead he snarks down at me every time i walk passed and in return i squirt a water gun at him and occasionally throw tomatoes at him. it's a very mutually loving relationship.) and 180k words in, and literally hundreds of hours spent thinking about and talking about tw/owen, and im still fascinated by it/him, there are still soooo many things i wanna explore through writing with these characters that i adore so much. 57k of the 180k words is part of what will eventually be a sequel series to an ugly picture (which is meant to be a stand-alone, for the record, but towards the end of the writing process i went "Hm. Actually I Have More Ideas", and it became a whole 'verse heh). problem is i dont rmr the fic enough to continue the first sequel and currently i cant revisit it and take notes 🤡 so that project's on hold. as for the other stuff, it's a good mix of misc one-shots and full-on projects, and several things are pretty much done and could, if i were anyone else, easily be polished and posted.

but, as ive made clear, unfortunately writing (well, revising + editing) is an absolute nightmare for me. now, im recently back on medication after nearly two years of rawdogging it, and ive been having issues with that fff (namely constant pervasive exhaustion) - but im working to figure out a happy medium, so im HOPING, hell, praying, that once i level out ill be able to open my docs and sit down and finish things without it being a goddamn ordeal. editing's not rlly fun for anyone, but it fucking sucks when your absolute favorite hobby + mode of expression gets terrorized by a wiggity wack disorder.

first order of business, once im able, is a 15k owen/andy fic that's literally 90% done. i wanted to post it in june, for pride month, and then my brain decided to convince me i wasnt being coherent in the slightest and i was like, nah, i cannot make myself soldier through the editing project this time, i dont want this to get ruined the same way. but hopefully soon i can drop that and it will be epic and such 😎

so in summation uh (sorry im a known babbler fdshk but this is what happens when u send an ask to someone who wrote a 30k fic where literally nothing happens KJFSD. also sorry for literally trauma dumping unprompted 😭 i did the white woman in the kmart thing) ive written a ton of torchwood fic and i 100% intend to write a ton more but mental illness garbage is trying to sabotage shit so basically im taking a break from trying to post any of it until my brain lets me enjoy my damn interest in relative peace 👍but i definitely have a lot more fic on the way. just might take a while for it to see the light of day. hopefully not that long

anyway thank you again so so so much for liking the fic enough to read it multiple times that means so much to meee. i hope to have more for u soon :))

[clerichs-xi]

Getting real on main here bc I'm kinda tired of keeping everything in my head so I'm gonna ramble for a bit bc my blog my posts

Starting to realize more and more i don't know how to interact with people and im kinda starting to wonder if im neurodivergent or if im socially anxious

It's not just I don't know how to interact socially it's more like I don't know how to react in social so I end up mimicking what other ppl do in order to not get a negative reaction/keep up the convo in a natural way. I find I do it more online bc I have time to think about what I do+look back on messages and I end up being so paranoid about what I say or how my messages could get construed differently or how people could negatively react. Maybe it's more that I'm extremely prone to overthinking stuff but either way it makes me feel miserable sometimes, like I can't open up ever and most of the time I end up not opening up. I'm afraid of negative reactions and criticism bc I'm so prone to criticizing others myself. Also i grew up having most of my stuff (achievements, work, expressed thoughts) being reacted to with either neutral reactions or criticism on the basis of humility. Whoa that just got deep lol. Anyways after typing all of this out I feel like my issue mostly lies with my fears of being seen in a negative way or being disliked after saying something so I just end up. overthinking every single thing I want to say or not saying anything at all or both. It's wild how afraid I am of receiving any remotely negative feedback bc the moment I do I'll take to heart way too much and beat myself up over it!! Itll all I focus on and then I'll pick apart every single thing I ever did or said and make myself feel even more miserable!! I'm perfectly capable of discerning when something is my fault just. not when im talking to someone.

Tangent but since I'm here rambling already ill talk abt it and also kinda related. I never feel comfortable enough venting abt my life to close friends bc a) I'm seen as the functional one in the group; b) it seems everyone else's problems are bigger than mine and c) I'll feel like I'm complaining for no good reason mostly bc of a). I did have someone in my friend group say "what do u have to complain abt u have a functional family lol" once and that hurt. And that's why I never share anything anymore lol!!! Bc everyone I know says my life is perfect but a lot I wish I weren't me and I feel so trapped. It's gotten better bc I have been in situations b4 where I vented during really bad situations but I still don't rlly. And the fact that I only feel ok with venting in situations/with feelings that, in my mind, constituted as on par with other people's issues or of a certain level severity that was worth sharing and wouldn't face backlash for is. fucked up to say the least I think. Sometimes I think social media has played a role in fostering this idea bc of ppl constantly comparing and trying to 1-up others with their struggles. or ppl usinh catastrophic world events to go to other ppl saying "ur life will never be as bad as that so suck it up"

Uh anyways I think the neurodivergent part mostly bc i get uncomfortable when I'm not doing something and I can't really stand not doing smth. Ive seen some posts of neurodivergent people (esp posts abt adhd/ppl with adhd talking abt it) and kinda find myself relating to stimulation issues to a degree? I hate not doing anything productive eg drawing, writing. Sometimes I can't even stand just watching tv or reading bc sometimes I don't feel involved enough. If I'm interested in a piece of media I'll binge it for a couple of days and then the next day I'll feel nothing at all for it. Like idk maybe I'm thinking too hard and I don't actually know what I'm talking abt but at this rate I'd rather be wrong while try to explore this/put it into words then keep everything to myself just because I'm afraid of getting backlash or whatever from the 3 real people and 20 pornbots that follow me. Chances are this post wont receive any attention like literally anything else I've ever posted except it not getting attention will be what I want haha.

Tldr I'm just tired of trying to please people and bottling stuff up just bc I want ppl to like me and bc I don't want to burden others. I want to open up and have actual social interactions where I'm not overthinking everything I do. And I'm posting this to prove to myself that I'm going to change and get over it.

[matoitech]

hope its okay to ask, but do you know any tips or resources on preventing autism meltdowns/shutdowns?

i cant think of any specific resource w good info right now unfortunately but heres some stuff i do. also these r kinda for like the As Ur Feeling It Build Up to where its getting intolerable stage so if u meant just like in general i can try to help w that instead but here goes, some things i do to help cope n prevent stuff

if its possible and ur in enough control of ur body, remove urself from the ppl or situation ur in- if ur around ppl just stepping away to b by urself for a bit can help u feel a little better, or at least a little Less bad. outside, into another room, just another place where u dont have the added stressors of noise and masking and whatnot

try to reduce how much sensory input ur getting- if u need sunglasses, headphones, stim toys, pressure/weight, etc, use or try that if its safe to. sometimes ur body can be overwhelmed by something u cant consciously notice, like electricity humming in the wall + bright lights + traffic + ppls voices + ur clothes r rly uncomfortable, etc, so things like turning off lights and such to see what makes u feel more physically comfortable can b helpful (if u can)

and/or you may be thirsty, tired, hungry, emotional, etc and ur not getting the signals for that so ur body is showing its discomfort or upset in other ways. u may need to change into more comfortable clothes, go to the bathroom, eat something, etc. checking w ur body (and emotional state) can help prevent meltdowns/shutdowns or prepare for them. this stuff can b difficult to try and figure out tho so dont put urself down if u still end up having a meltdown or shutdown, ur body gets overwhelmed and sometimes i have not found another way to direct it than to sleep it off for a while. it sucks and its painful but if ur exhausted u might just need it :(

drinking water, listening to relaxing music, doing breathing exercises, and other things can help 4 me. usual ‘calming’ techniques might not help u feel physically better but can help center u a bit to feel less agonized

if ur safe to do so, try stimming if u can? sometimes ur instinct can be to tense up and shut down, but if its possible and doesnt make u feel worse, stimming can help- even just watching a rythmic gif or smth can help. sometimes ive noticed i feel rly bad like im gonna shutdown or im really twitchy and all over the place but then i realize i havent been stimming enough and that helps. if it doesnt help then u dont have to continue it, sometimes u just need to lie down unmoving in the dark for a while. when i need to shutdown thats generally what i do and i dont have any tips for preventing it when u get to that stage bc sometimes u just gotta reset i think

i would def suggest trying to chill out alone tho cuz ik not everyones like that, some ppl need like physical comfort from other ppl when theyre in shutdown mode, but at least 4 me it helps to just lie down under a bunch of blankets in the dark for a few hours

distractions can also help if just lying there bores u lol, test out what makes u feel ok (doin smth quiet w ur hands is usually good) and what u r not a fan of

most of this stuff was more for shutdowns but can still b applicable to meltdowns, but more meltdown specific, b4 i meltdown im rly prickly (emotionally) and have a lot of scattered shaky energy bc its usually caused by emotional overload so pacing and body stimming can help a lot 4 me at least to try n get that level. its better to direct the energy somewhere else instead of @ another person generally lol

uhh if anyone has any tips feel free to suggest stuff cuz i am scattered rn and can only think of a couple things!

[littlebabycrybtch]

bro..... im sooo tired of ppl being whiny freaks about ppl liking fictional shit ‘~too much~’. like bitches are literally fully convinced if you prefer acting out certain ideas in fiction but not irl, thats not your normal preferential boundaries but rather your brain is a mental illness BOMB and you need to be fucking hospitalized for being imaginative and having autonomy. like yall if its not taboo or smth shut uuuuhp man you’re not ‘concerned for their health’ or w/e you’re fully just tryna get away with being a nihilistic asshole who lacks sympathetic reasoning skills. listen to me. fiction is valuable. the thoughts we have on it are important. the personal lack of value you happen to put on a media is next to worthless. its not a fuckin waste of time dude, creators are people, who live in the real world, they experience it and have ideas through it and about it, they form and tweak their ideas while still definitely existing in the real world, and then put that back into the world with a new angle and new perspective, to share with other people definitely encountering it in , you guessed it , the real world. thats not disconnected. its not nothing. these things do not magically appear from fairytale land, they are created. stories mean smth, people tell them for a reason, its ok to feel smth for any story, why would we even tell them if not with the intention to impact others emotionally somehow i mean??? fiction does not Just affect reality, it is valuable to real life society, it is a functioning thriving part OF reality. 

humans have told stories since the dawn of our existence. it is literally all but an inherent species trait for us to imagine things, its tied to each and every one of us, and to reject ‘fantasy’ as smth worthless to human life is frankly just fuckin wrong and weird of you. bitch we are Supposed to get outside the box, the fandom ppl you cringe your pants over arent thinking abt fake shit too much, you guys very often just arent exercising abstract thought and imagination enough, which actually hurts your ability to engage with it critically in all the ways its meant to be. if you dont see the value in fiction its because you put in no effort to form the analysis skills. in other words, you idiots dont get the hype bc you’re too stupid to get how you're supposed to compare a book to the real world it came from. ‘uu but cmon not everythings valuable what about [tumblr designated cringe media]-’ 1. ok! somehow you havent come to this conclusion yourself yet but thats not real, whatever ppl get to enjoy is not all abt you, your bias means less than dirt to others outside of hivemind social medias, you can keep it to yourself, ppl shouldnt care about it bc it means nothing outside of ur own space, its literally funny to me that you’re so elitist you want me to cater my interests to you, Your Standard Of Quality Isnt Universal, 2. ranking the values of fiction is the waste of time here, if you compare mlp to pride and prejudice ill dissect your teeth, different emotional impacts from tragic to funny to Just A Vibe are all able to be assessed as ‘valuable to somebody else so leave well enough alone’ if you dont have 2010+ funnyman brainrot disease that makes you incapable of reflecting on anything you can find a way to joke abt first.

i mean seriously like. whenever randos start engaging with medias you ppl dont like or in ways you dont get, the strawmans yall make up to get to be cringe culture vultures abt such benign shit, and almost Always at the expense of neurodivergent people with a deeply rooted undertone of extreme ableism might i add..... its just so selfish. u have a brain ok, you’re manipulative but we both know you dont Actually think ppl automatically default to being a waifu obsessed incel rotting away at their basement computer, stagnating their social skills and straying further and further from reality with each passing day, a poor disturbed wretch that you just HAVE to save from themselves, all bc they say they. prefer fictional porn or w/e to having sex irl. buddy thats not a big deal, theyre normal, just different from you. theyre fine, you’re just uncomfortable. as a functioning adult you’re gonna have to try and recognize that sometimes that feelings gonna be 100% on you, and you cant always just lie abt the validity of it to make ppl feel obligated into agreeing with you. this is gonna be one fragment of their personhood and your self obsessed brain imploding over how unrelatable that is doesnt fucking matter, grow up bitch like. how detached do you have to be to think thats so unstable or morally wrong.... its just a completely inconsequential preferential decision that only affects them and isnt a wrong choice at all cuz nobody has to get their dick wet if they dont wanna for any reason ever and thats gotta be that tbh.... and it kills me cuz they still inherently experience the real world and are capable of thinking abt it critically,,, even tho they... masturbate to drawings or w/e the fuck ppl think is unhealthy ???? like? imagination is just fun we dont need to moderate it anymore than we moderate other fun activities i mean lol ksdjfsd this is the DEFINITION of ‘just vibing’ no one FUCKING cares and it deosnt fucking matter the way you desperately try to make ppl think it does just so u get to be loud abt ur shortcomings as a decent understanding person. 

‘uuuuuu im sorry but thats unhealthy :///’ you sound like a goddamn maniac dude stories are not unhealthy having feelings abt them is not unhealthy thinking some anime bitch that was DRAWN TO BE HOT , IS HOT, is not UNHEALTHY and you clowns arent convincing anybody you ‘care’ abt that concept anyways !! im losign my mind here skdlsdfsd medias are literally DESIGNED TO DO THIS TO PEOPLE... WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL THINGS FOR IT.... IT IS WHAT MAKES THE ART WE’VE TAKEN PART IN FOR CENTURIES, “ART”.... ITS JUST... HAVING IDEAS AND EXPERIENCING IMAGINATION..... whats wildly unhealthy actually is yalls toxic obsession with ‘harsh truth’ and validating your stupid ass cwinge feewings to the point where everything that gives your underdeveloped selfish ass hives has to be a matter of health and morals and whats ‘best’ for everyone. u dont know that shit!!!! ur a petty brat and im not ur mommy ok i wont baby you so u dont feel like the shitty whiny person you are, you need to grow and do better and think outside urself already, dont put the responsibility of making u feel right for judging somebodies benign hobbies on me. i wont bc its wrong and unnecessary. you’re not a savior no ones falling for that lmao you’re just a bitch girl xoxo get over it shit truly does not matter. let them write nsfw self insert fics instead of banging !! 

to make it real do yall really not Get that basic consent kinda doesnt just mean ‘no when im not in the mood at the time’ but it means ‘no if i just dont fuckin feel like having sex ever for literally any reason at all bc i choose what i do’ and pressuring them, even with what your warped brain translates as the best of intentions, is inherently disgusting? especially with the ‘i know how to help you’ attitude like......... ohhh die soonly ew lmao! lay off this nasty shit already please it doesnt matter! stop trying to make it matter!! its not hurting you or them you stupid tumblr phd ass!! and like again yeah some media shits just truly gross but tbr now its like even That kind of shit, the Real social issues caused by Actually problematic media that ppl should discuss Genuinely without ulterior motives, is being used more and more rampantly as just a stepping stone to get to the needless mockery of other harmless things in the media they want an excuse to bag on.......... like a bitch cant just be grown and talk about problems at face value without getting a bully jab in. smhhhhh you all fuckin suck please just stop talking already. so anyways yeah being attracted to fictional characters instead of real people or w/e IS funny, funny how many boyfriends they have when u have none xoxo theyre having fun and you can die sad abt it they get to die 5 times in an angsty fantasy fic and be brought back with mouth to mouth by fuckin kakashi every time and then they go get lunch irl while ur updating tinder bitch ... different fucking strokes ig !

[transqueerquestions]

15/afab.Im questioning if Im gay ftm.I've identified as bi for two years now & I have some supportive LGBT friends(im not out to my family tho).I don't feel dysphoric & I like to wear boy and girl clothes (girl mostly),but i realised im not attracted to girls(as I thought I was)im attracted to boys but like, thinking of myself as a boy.I also feel really happy when someone uses masc pronouns for me.Im the same anon as the one wanting to talk to a therapist but the characters limit is bullshit.

Im 15 afab & questioning my gender.I outed myself as bi last year,but only to my friends & ppl at my school,my parents don't know it but I know that they would be supportive.Im now starting to think im a gay ftm.I would like to talk to an expert or smth but I can't go to a therapist without telling my parents & I want to be sure about it before coming out to my friends.All the sites & forums I've seen talk about waiting to figure out for myself but Im tired of waiting and still not knowing. :(

Tobi: Hey nonnie! I’m sorry to hear that you’re frustrated with the process of figuring out your identity. It can be a really tough process to go through, and I hear you! It seems like you’re right smack in the middle of that journey and from experience I know it really can suck with how long it seems to be taking. However! It does also sound like you have a fair idea of who you are identity-wise and also expression-wise, where you feel a strong connection with a male identity but don’t really have any strong connection to a specific way of expression in terms of masculine vs. feminine. 

I am currently in my last semester in college and one of my majors is Adventure Therapy, so though I am not in any way a therapist at any degree, I am training to be one! Because of this background, I do highly recommend the chance to go see someone like a therapist or a counselor to talk to about what’s going on in your head to be able to have someone who isn’t a personal part of your life help with figuring out that tangle of thoughts and emotions. Of course it important that the counselors and/or therapists have a good groundwork of LGBTQ+ knowledge, and that you match well with that specific person. I hear your concern with not wanting to come out to your parents until you’ve figured it all out yourself, however one of the best things I did was be honest and open with my parents about the journey I was going through (again, considering that they’ll be receptive to you and understanding, which you seem to believe they would be). 

I understand the want to understand and have an idea of who you are and who you’re meant to be now but it’s important to understand that the age range you’re in now at 15, you’re going through the identity stage of life. There’s a stages of development theory by Erik Erikson that describes the main concern of human developments at different age stages in life (you can read more about it here!) and the one you’re in now is described as “identity vs. role confusion”. Taken from the article itself, it says:

“Our personal identity gives each of us an integrated and cohesive sense of self that endures through our lives. Our sense of personal identity is shaped by our experiences and interactions with others, and it is this identity that helps guide our actions, beliefs, and behaviors as we age.” 

I hope that this gives at least a little bit of solace in that lots of people your age, regardless of gender identity, are also trying to figure out who they are and how they are interacting with the world around them. The process also can be lengthy, I know for myself it took over a year to get any sort of definitive sense of who I was in terms of just gender, let alone anything else. You’re in a turbulent time in your life interacting with so many others going through that turbulent time. 

In terms of a question I can’t find anything specific, but I hope this answer helps you out with your process and journey! To sum it up, my best advice is to talk to your parents as well as keep talking with friends too. It can definitely be helpful to see if you can meet with a professional that has a background in LGBTQ+ knowledge and topics, but it is for sure not necessary, just helpful if it is an option. And finally, keep in mind that the process of figuring out yourself is something that everyone goes through and that it can be a long and frustrating journey, but it doesn’t have to be! You’re figuring out who you are (which is a continuous process throughout your life also!), so have fun with it! It doesn’t have to be draining and frustrating, but don’t beat yourself up if it does get difficult. I promise you’ll eventually figure it out and you’ll be happy you took all that time to reach the conclusion you did, I know I am!

I hope this all helps! Consider taking a look at a recent reblog we have up also that gives some tips on helping you through your journey in figuring out that identity! 

If you liked my answer, consider giving me a tip! It’ll go a long way in helping me towards my goals to reach more people and their questions!

[staboteur]

This is Entirely Unprompted But I Like Talking About René

I’m really tired and I should be doing my English homework, but who cares? I’m gonna write this thing about René’s Harry Potter AU and also possibly gush about everyone’s favorite person to hate, Snape (I love him though, in my eyes he weaponized his trauma to take down like the most powerful Dark Wizard of all time and I think that’s extremely gratifying to know that someone who was shitty in their child/teen/young adult years can become a hero anyways I’m rambling).

But anyways this is about René and basically... Honestly I’m not sure how to start with this, but he would absolutely be half wizard. Like on his dad’s side or smth, and I’m gonna just retcon his current backstory a little bit--I was thinking late a few nights ago about this, and I realized that René, to him, would be more of a chosen name than one assigned to him that he kept? Andre is a name he would associate with being alone and sad, so he’d choose René (bc i like slapping people with obvious symbolism) bc the name means rebirth and he wants to be reborn as someone better. It’s also probably around the time he decides he wants to be an Auror or something like that

or maybe like a magical detective

jk rowling’s world has a lot of potential tbh, like aurors are the only enforcement agency talked about in the books, but i’m sure there are like regular police (though i feel like breaking the law is part of being a magical person) and like detectives and whatever who get to the bottom of crimes, like people are gonna die/get hurt and they’re gonna wanna know why

i’d put rene in one of those departments

this is like entirely informal so like if you expected anything else, i’m sorry, anyways... Rene’s like.. i talked about it before how he was hurt during a mission gone wrong, and that’s basically how he ended up at whatever somewhat menial job he ended up at

and i

i really wanted him at some point to experiment with the dark arts idk it just seems very IC for him like if he were to dabble in methods of torture for information (two of the three forbidden curses would be incredibly helpful to him, for example, bc outright killing is bad but everything else is good)

and detective work with magic would be really cool, like do peoples’ wands leave imprints? does every wand have a unique magical signature? how well-kept are the records of wandmakers/buyers/sellers? how well is their currency tracked? what kinds of security measures are in place to prevent identity fraud, with the ease of procurement of the polyjuice potion (if 2nd year students could do it, a fully grown wizard definitely could do it), especially if they are trained in making potions or similar illusion-related magic

this turned into more of a harry potter meta than an actual analysis post on Rene, but it’s all part of my master plan, because i love the magical world a lot and honestly whatever fan theories i come up with are probably gonna be better than the stupid TMI shit that rowling pulls on twitter (i swear to god she needs to go on the list of people who need their twitter accounts taken away from them bc honestly i didn’t need to know that hufflepuffs apparently canonically has orgies in their common room) so yeah here we are i suck at conclusions so whoop

i might post some art eventually but don’t get your hopes up bc im so bad about promising then never delivering on art

[y01te-moved]

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

i almost cant even count how many this is but im doing every single one anyways and you cant stop me despite the fact that this obviously took me ages to actually answer

1: if ur reading this ur legally obligated to follow max (sender of this ask) Right Now. Just Do It.

2: i think more ppl with my sense of humor should watch Spider Riders bc listen..  if somewhere along the line that show suddenly gained more popularity again in this fine year of 2019 id be both actually funny for once but also revolutionary. by all technicalities some of my hcs are fucking great but i dont think i could say a lot of them and even be comprehensible outside of orientation based ones that are just rlly controversial. granted im not even sure i could or would actually recommend the show to people cause its kinda dumb a lot of the time and also fairly long at least to my standards so its harder to finish unless ur like really invested in it :pensive:

3: also on that note the next time a horny person even THINKS about Corona im Going to break into their home and then break their knees. i hate that she has so much fanart thats basically just fetish art or otherwise managing to be nsfw in some way shes like 15 at best fuck off!! its rlly only a problem on like. deviantart but it still makes me die inside.

4: character development is hard i never actually keep my ideas and what i have written down on like.  my actual bios for everyone on the same pace so its a confusing mess and i wish i was better at combating that

5: anon and kanon r such good loids i wish people used them more but i think a part of the problem is that i dont always look That hard for things that use them ahdbsadgashdj

6: alex is the best sdv bachelor and im not accepting criticism on that notion. 2nd best would probably be like..  sam except i havent tried hard enough to be friends with him yet which i feel bad abt bc he seems nice

7: i miss the cracking open a cold one with the boys meme that was still one of my favorites

8: (goes BACK to thinking about SR shdfjds) the anime had no right having like so many characters base their ideals off of how brade used to be in the past and all those good takes on like not necessarily Having to resort to violence as the ultimate solution and all that good stuff just to be like, “surprise!! he actually IS still around! but also he’s going to be minimally helpful at all until the last few episodes and otherwise we’re going to make a ton of gags about him trying to hit on the like 2 girls in the team who are also like 15 while he ignores practically everyone else because thats funny!” im still so mad about it. he is the absolute worst and he has no rights. there was also so much potential they seemed like they could have used and were trying to hint at using in terms of further developing more important details about the history of the inner world or at least some of the things that had been going on well before hunter ever showed up and then they didn’t do anything but hint at the idea of brade having known hunter’s grandfather. but even that wasn’t 100% confirmed bc they dodged around it the one time they had hunter ask. its a mess.

9: my taste is so fucking weird and i hate it bc its mostly just, “oh yeah i heard abt this thing and it seems cool im hoping to start getting into it soon!” for most things that are actually cool or popular or all that and never actually get into it, but then i see smth dumb as shit that i know would probably make me look like an absolute fool for liking and im like, “oh yeah yknow what i can do this one” and then i do like it but i cant say much about it either cause i dont wanna look like.   a fool.

10: these have been depressing as fuck so im gonna lighten the mood and say that himbo is a fucking hilarious word and i love it

11: also axel (kh) is a himbo. why? he just is.

12: im also bad at character design i think bc i always worry that my characters look too similar in terms of hair style like all the time and idk if its rlly that bad or not jfhgkf.  that and like. so many of my characters just wear jeans and boots in terms of the lower half of their body its so unoriginal but it always works so well…

13: still disappointed in myself for having never 100%’d even 1 tlodw game. lunatic mode.. Difficult

14: i dont keep up with ace attorney fans but i hope everyone out there agrees that miles has peak vampire energies based on the way he dresses alone

15: re:zero fans have no rights only bc i only ever see ppl talking abt rem and ram like. wh..   was no one ever going to tell me about reinhard or was i just supposed to watch him get introduced in the first few eps and then fall in love w/him immediately before even finding out hes supposed to be a knight which makes him 20x better

16: leon and/or leonhart is like genuinely a good name idk why it just sounds rlly nice

17: ive had like so many technical difficulties with this site since trying to answer this i hate tumblr

18: im pretty sure im like. genuinely just gonna go mute or some shit one day cause honestly ive mostly only ever gotten worse and worse about not actually being able to say things even when i know exactly what thought im trying to say, both physically and like. online. its so weird i feel like i just cant say things. it may just be being self conscious but i restrict myself soo heavily and its WEIRD….  its like being trapped in ur thoughts and it sucks.  probably doesnt even actually mean all that much but it still makes it hard for me to accomplish anything ever which i hate.

19: despite all the titles like ssbu and all that existing for the switch i think id only want one to play the new(er) inside system games i havent had the chance to yet like the spinoff card game and rudymical and also brave dungeon but w/neville and klinsy and whoever else was dlc on that game cause obviously i own the 3ds port but also neville..  good…  i wanna see how she plays..

20: i miss when i could be passionate abt cave story it just makes me feel tired seeing it sometimes at this point but it also still holds a great significance to me so its just confusing and im not sure how i feel abt it

21: the SR novels were cowards only on account of not giving us any official design for petra but also for writing igneous like.  That.  novelverse igneous is just too bitter in general and like i get it but they couldve done a lot more with him even though he is still somewhat respectable in the end, granted its hard cause like holy shit hes so fucking mean to hunter literally who asked for that. im just glad the anime let him be somewhat more idk..  i guess sociable while still keeping a lot of the inherently essential aspects his personality had like his almost over the top loyalty to the prince and taking things like training/combat in general very seriously. its just good and animeverse igneous is so good id die for him thanks for coming to my tedtalk

[cloneslugs]

the whole venture family

for rando headcanons ur gonna get hmm a little more than anticipated sorry this is like a lot of reading..

Rusty

Sexuality Headcanon: hmm bi but he really prefers guysGender Headcanon: trans guy but not completely binaryA ship I have with said character: brock + himA BROTP I have with said character: im not gonna say Brock since i already kinda put him for romance, so i’ll go my conjectural tech boysA NOTP I have with said character: probably him & pete since thats the other pop thingA random headcanon: really wary around guns mostly bc of trauma & thats why Brock started using a knife, general social anxiety mostly stemming from being trans & also feelings of inadequacy but Brock helps w that, loves to stargaze, just really loves to go on and on about science and in a sence how beautiful the world is, doesnt sleep well most nights on account of nightmares so he usually just sits in bed or maybe paces around & checks in on his kids, hed check in on Brock but if he gets up then its a sure thing Brock is up as well, doesnt know how to quite hate his dad and it frustrates him, super lazy & whiny he tries to get Brock to carry him everywhere bc what are boyfriends & bodyguards for, cant stand watching his cartoon, never laughs at the stories that Team Venture tells & doesnt understand why other people do, good friends with Sheila, shes pretty secretive about her life & all but he feels like she gets him, hes actually cool w Malcolm & figures hes just kinda annoying, loves his kids more than anything in the world, suicidal since he was a young teen probably, flirted w Brock ALL the time when he first got him, hates loud noises & cant sleep through thunderstorms, babies his kids endlessly, he loves to talk and talk and talk but most people shut him down as a kid w that so hes afraid to now, REALLY LOVES DOGS, his family is such a saving grace he doesnt understand why they love him so much but they do and he wishes he could be better for them, his family really rekindled the warped sense of family he had growing up, General Opinion over said character: i love him i love him more than anything he is such a comfort character i love him i love him

Hank 

Sexuality Headcanon: bi/pan he doesnt care what you call itGender Headcanon: nb trans boyA ship I have with said character: sirena !!!A BROTP I have with said character: Dean ofcA NOTP I have with said character: hmm idk idk any other decent hank pairings unless u demons want me to step in ugly territoryA random headcanon: he came out a few years before Dean did !! constantly calls Brock dad much to his annoyance, partly as a joke & partly bc he really does consider Brock his dad, unapologetically trans & not het he probably is the loudest & proudest in the family, hates vegetables, eats dry cereal as a snack, really into cryptids, hates bananas, doesnt know how to sit still, always excited and on the move, hes probably the most comfortable socially in the family, loves to treat Dean as if hes his actual baby brother, considers basically anyone whos a good friend as family, prefers dogs to cats, really flexible and is constantly climbing on things, he really likes monkeys, stays out of the DC or Marvel debate he just likes Batman, he knows how to catch squirrels and birds and it really freaks his parents out, hes planned his parents wedding since he was like 6 w Dean and ya boys are waiting, very affectionate and cuddly, loves to just sit w his family, likes to help Brock w chores but he sucks, totally thinks Brock could beat Batman in a fight, wants to start a family band but brock called that lame, likes to squish bugs but only if they are small, hates long trips especially when he has to sit still or everyone else stopped talking, really good at random talents he looked up online & thought were cool, the best hugger in the familyGeneral Opinion over said character: lovely lovely boy !!!! love him love him !!!! beautiful smile would give anything for him!!!!

Brock

Sexuality Headcanon: unpop opinion time but hmm very gayGender Headcanon: nb & uses he/him A ship I have with said character: rusty & him !!!A BROTP I have with said character: shoreleave ?A NOTP I have with said character:  womenA random headcanon: he’s mentally ill but pretty subtle w it and all, hes pretty anxious and paranoid esp involving the Venture’s safety, he doesnt sleep well bc he is a very light sleeper & also he just. cant do it very easily, really poor sleep schedule he only gets to bed after the Ventures are asleep and he checks security & maybe gets a few chores out of the way like dishes or smth & he always wakes up way early before the ventures, trust issues mostly from years of OSI work & esp from Molotov constantly backstabbing him, Doc is v important to him bc he is a big source of trust but also comfort he always knows how to calm Brock down, actually very shy he hates crowds & doesnt like talking  to people, really into fashion & stuff but doesnt get into bc Mr Blood On Everything, way into poetry, hes always felt so rough and tumble like all hes supposed to do is hurt other people and go out and be on the attack bc thats kinda the mindset he was raised with w a shitty stepdad and other people in his small hometown and he thoughts thats all he would be thats why he joined football even though he didnt care for it & thats why he loves the Iron Giant & why protecting the Ventures is so important bc he can keep things safe and have a sweet family and be gentle for once in his life, he fell for Rusty first,cat person, knows nothing abt Jonas & his Team, in a constant fued w Action Man esp just bc the dude is a dick & awful, really emotionally detached & generally apathetic outside the Ventures but he wishes he wasnt, he doesnt know how to talk about himself & his emotions or anything that really goes on in his head, he finds OSI work really draining and mehhh not his thing but he feels like its kinda cool so he does it, leaving after the family slays together is like his biggest regret and makes him feel really guilty & hes not good at forgiving himself for lots of things but especially that, he used to not care about dying before he met the ventures, the family is basically his anchor, he has a very detached idea of Self & Who He Is personally, hes impulsive to the point of suicide mostly bc hes not a good thinker in heavy situations and he has trouble wrapping his head around things,very sentimental w the family, he flusters really easy bc romance is not his strong suit and its kinda a new ballgame for him, decent cook, really bad at math but good at memorizing things about other people and random facts, he would rather die before he lets those ventures get a papercutGeneral Opinion over said character: hmm one tough dude

Dean

Sexuality Headcanon: gay !!! Gender Headcanon: trans guyA ship I have with said character: Jared !!!A BROTP I have with said character: hank !!!!A NOTP I have with said character: hmmm idrk !!! not a lot of pickings lolA random headcanon: even tho his family is LGBT he still has really bad anxiety about it, socially anxious & bad at eye contact, loves to collect stuffed animals, kisses frogs when he finds them so maybe theyll turn into a prince he still does this even when hes older but in secret, really loves disney movies, social dysphoria makes him nervous w dating, doesnt like to pick a favorite animal even though its giraffes, but doesnt like to get in the debate of cats v dogs even though he prefers cats, crybaby like the rest of his family, babied by everyone else and he kinda hates it, brock loves them equally but he especially babied dean when they were little, mostly bc him & dean were Venture Safety Patrol and always trying to keep the others from doing something dumb or dangerous, likes to garden & keep plants but hes really forgetful so Brock either has to take over or they die, cries during horror movies, big hand holder, gets frustrated with himself really easily especially growing up, likes to paint nails, smells every flower & pets every animal he can get his hands on, cant handle when people argue w him or w each other, took him a while to realize he was gay and now its really confusing and frustrating for him so he kinda ignores it as much as he can, only comfy wearing short sleeves around his family, best at making flower crowns, loves to style Brocks hair, cant go to bed unless he kisses everyone goodnight, really bad at paying attention he daydreams a lot, collects feathers, gets drained easily in most situations, the king of platonic kisses, likes to color, most comfy around his family & they know hot to take care of him the best, overwhelmed easily, smiles at dogs he sees being walked, refuses to kill spiders or bugs, scared of big bugs but makes Brock put them outside, if its cute he wants it, cant skip rocks even though brock & hank try to teach him, when hes overwhelmed he sits w his family, really bad balance, probably the Venture that gets the most hugs & kisses but its a close raceGeneral Opinion over said character: trying & tired

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 1

ok so i really want to talk to a therapist but i wont be comfortable explaining my life story if theyre white. i just want help cus im always so tired but no one helps. ive been angry, fighting my whole life but no one cares. i came as an angry anxious baby. i was furious when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time,  abandoned multiple times just to be bought by these white foreigners i didnt even understand. but no one cared. no one knew how to handle my loss and pain, and my dad’s emotionally abusive as it is, making me grow up, feeling like theres smth wrong with me. that im just an annoying angry kid by default or smth, while my sister was the perfect one. thats why i always protected her. thats why i always stood up against his accusations,  guilt tripping and anger. because my little sister was too afraid and i was already labelled as the problematic kid. but im tired. she’s fkn 15. after all the things ive done for her the least she gan do is ask me how im feeling fromt time to time. my whole family knows ive been depressed for like 2 years and the only one who cares is my mom who just survived a 7 year old long ptsd. i hear from her that my sister appreciates it but i never get anything from her. i dont feel appreciated in this family at all. im still the angry annoying sjw and nothing i say will ever be taken seriously by our dad cus hes a master of making both me, my sister and mom (probably brothers too but they fkn abandoned us a long time ago those pussies, leaving 10 year old me to fend for me and lil sis all on my own while our parents were divorcing, mom was suicidal, dad abusive and economy crashing) feel like shit. their divorce was probably my first trigger factor. it took me 2,5 years, i was 4 the first time i dared to let go of my parents. first time they could leave me out of sight without me being ”annoying and screaming” aka having a fucking panic attack. their divorce was another abandonment, another trauma and i never learnt how to get over that either.

yesterday i was crying in the bathroom for 2 hours straight bc my family doesnt love me, i get out and no one cares. i literally told my dad he wouldnt care if i died yesterday and he didnt react. he fkn closed the balcony door bc he didnt want the neighbors to hear me ”so angry and upset”. i yelled at him that when i commit suicide its going to be his fault but hes so narcissist and dumb he doesnt understand. so i threw smth and destroyed smth and tHEN he reacted. i love having to use unhealthy techniques like suicide threats and murdering threats to get a reaction. i once did that and this ex friend threatened to report me to the police for murder threat. her mom even called my boyfriends mom to warn them of me but she didnt even call my mom??? she didnt care abt the fact that next to my ”i want to kill everyone. dream of murdering my family” i also wrote ”i want to kill myself”. dont remind me of this though. im not proud of it. i know its weong to manipuqlte like this but no one teached me how to deal with my feelings and avandonemnt issues in a healthy way. and so i’ve took after my dad and turned into this controlling emtoionally abuser, all bottled up, constantly angry and sad, guilt tripping and manipulating the people im supposed to love in fear of them abandoning me. and i will always hate the world for making me suffer like this. 

i just want to rest. im tired of always fighting for something as basic as love and safety. i never got over the loss of mom and culture and people. and i lost every sense of safety i had built up during my adoptive parents divorce and older brothers leaving. and im unhappy, im always unhappy because i miss my mom and culture and people so much. i feel misplaced and lost. the only thing keeping me alive being the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of being able to actually help people with my experiences and knowledge, to help other international transracial adoptees or maybe fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like.... nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. if im never going to be happy ive been suffering for nothing. ive tried so hard in my life but nothing works. im cursed. i really am cursed but not only do people leave me im also incapable of feeling other peoples love. i cant feel other peoples love because the only love i want is my mothers. my REAL mother, my ACTUAL mother, the chinese mother society loves to shame and make me forget because you all see her as a threat to my white parents claim over me.

the only difference between me and all those other ”normal” adoptees (aka my little sister) is that they’re whitewashed to death by their family, probably even more emotionally abused than i was and also they’ve repressed their feelings and trauma and I AM THE VERY REASON ADOPTEES DO THAT. ME AND ADOPTEES OVERREPRESENTATION IN SUICIDE STATISTICS ARE THE REASONS BECAUSE ITS GOING TO KILL YOU. my abortion and friend-break up was the last trigger before i exploded but believe me, it would have happened sooner or later anyways. my whole life has been a trigger. however many adoptees live their whole lives without ever waking up from this pretty little perfect sunshine story their parents and society had told them. there’s a reason so many adoptees are whitewashed to death and hates your disrespectful nosy questions. its a survival technique. we know that if we want to survive a life with our background conditions, then we have to repress our feelings concerning our adoption and everything associated with it. its not conciously, ITS A DEFENSE MECHANISM. and we get so much shit for it, which is understandable because many adoptees are fucking racist asshats. but you need to fucking understand that its because they’ve learnt to hate themselves and their own people. they’re TERRIFIED of being associated with immigrants and people of color because they know their white racist parents secretely hate them and actually secretely hate them too. all they want is love, they dont know anything else. it sucks to argue with a 40 year old adoptee of color though who’s still racist and whitewashed af, thats just sad and i would love to focus more on younger adoptees and help and support them through their ”awakening”. the awakening is much like learning about sexism or racism and how its ingrained in everything and practiced by your family and friends. just 100x worse cus you realize your family isnt even your family and you’re all alone in your thoughts, feelings, experiences and eventual search.

and adoptive parents and adoption organisations need to take fucking respnsobility for once without blaming everything on our traumatic past. you’re not ready to adopt non-white kids with trauma. you’re not educated enough and you placing us in all-white countries and neighborhoods, with problematic and abusive parents will not help. and im not speaking for myself, im speaking for ALL international transracial adoptees. im tired of hearing ”but your sister”, ”but my daughter is not”, ”my son doesnt care” WELL AS I SAID THEY DONT CARE BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER GIVEN THEM THE CHANCE OR REASON TO CARE. IVE SACRIFICED MYSELF FOR MY SISTER. IVE FOUGHT OUR PARENTS, IVE TOLD THEM I HATE THEM, IVE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD TO TEST THEM, MY MOM WAS SUFFERING FROM PTSD AND I WAS THE MOST ANNOYING PROBLEMATIC KID EVER BECAUSE 1. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY PAIN AND 2. TO SEE IF THEY WOULD FINALLY HAVE ENOUGH AND LEAVE ME. I DID THAT BECAUSE I COULDNT LIVE WITH THE CONSTANT FEAR OF ONE DAY HAVING THEM GROW TIRED OF ME AND ABANDON ME. I WANTED THEM TO BECAUSE THEIR DIVORCE WAS AVANDOBMENT ENOUGH. I DID THAT BECAUSE MY KIND LITTLE QUIET SISTER WOULD NEVER HAVE THE COURAGE TO. SHE WOULD NEVER DARE TO STAND UP AGAINST OUR DAD OR QUESTION THEIR BAD PARENTING AND UNDEDUCATION WHEN IT COMES TO RACISM/ADOPTION INDUSTRY BECAUSE SHES SCARED. SHE HATES CONFLICTS AND FIGHTS BECAUSE THOSE ARE THINGS THAT TRIGGERS HER. SHE GETS TRIGGERED BY FIGHTS AND I GET TEIGGERED WHEN PEOPLE IGNORE ME BECAUSE SHES AVOIDANT AND IM ATTACKING. I WANT TO FIGHT BC THATS HOW I FEEL PPL CARE. WHEN MY DAD WALKS OUT ON ME WHEN I TRY TO FIGHT OR SAY SOMETHING THATS MY BIGGEST TRIGGER. WHEN I FIGHT WITH MT BF AND HE DOESNT ANSWER MY TEXTS OR HE SUDDENLY HUNGS UP ON ME THATS THE BIGGEST TRIGGER. MY SISTER WOULD HUNG UP BC SHE WOULD FIND SOMEONE LIKE ME SCARY BUT WE ALL GET TRIGGERED BY DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WE HAVE IN COMMON THOUGH IS OUR TRUSMA AND OUR ABANDOMENT ISSUES. SHES ALSO AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED, WE ALL FUCKING ARE, MANY OF US JUST DONT KNOW IT YET BECAUSE OUR PARENTS ARENT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE KIDS WITH TRAUMA. I KNOW BECAUSE I LOVE POLITICS AND SOCIAL JUSTICE SO I EDUCATED MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. MY SISTER LOVES NATURAL SCIENCE SO SHE DOESNT KNOW A SHIT SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT A BISEXUAL IS AND SHES FKN 15, SHES AWESOME AT NATURAL SHIT AND THATS IT. I KNOW BECAUSE IVE ACTIVELY SOUGHT INFORMATION ABOUT IT BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES. NO ONE HELPED ME. EVERYTHING IVE LEARNT AND EVERYTHING I KNOW IS THANKS TO MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. ADOPTIVE PARENTS DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT RACISM OR TRAUMAS. MY MOM UNDERSTANDS BECAUSE SHES A FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT IF I DIDNT COME UP WITH THESE THEORIES ON MY OWN SHE NEVER WOULD. SHE TELLS ME NOW AT AGE 19 THAT ADOPTING ME, SEEING ME SCREAMING FOR DEAR LIFE AS I WAS HANDED OVER FELT WRONG. SHE FELT LIE SHE WAS TAKING ME, THAT IT WAS INHUMANE. AND NOW SHE KNEW WHY. BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING WRONG AND INHUMANE. SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO THAT CONCLUSION IF I DIDNT PUSH HER WITH MY KNOWLEGE. IM THE ONE EDUCATING MY PARENTS AND ITS ONLY MY MOM LISTENING AND SINCE SHES WHITE AND NOT ADOPTED HERSELF SHES STILL ONLY ABLE TO UNDERSTAND LIKE 50% OF IT

i honestly dont get enough appreciation in this family. the only thinkers in this family is me, my mom and one of my brothers. but fuck him as i said, he abandoned us during their divorce and he’s been absent all my teenage years. we could have been close, he could have helped me bc he also suffered from depression. he gould have protected me like i proteced my little sister but he didnt. maybe it was the age gap or the fact that me and my sister are adopted while he and our other brother isnt, we’ll never know. all i know is that unlike my other brother and our dad he’s not completely unfamiliar with what racism, sexism and capitalism is. he’s not dumb and empty. he got a brain and he would be capable of understanding these things just like mom if he wanted to. but its been so many years, he’s fucking 28 and he betrayed me that bitch.

i really dont get enough appreciation. no one ever tells me they love me or appreciate my brain since im the only one analyzing shit. my mom does too but only personal and psycholgy shit never society or groups like oppression and structures and systems. im the only one doing that and im good at it. i always see patterns and i know my politics very well so i can easily see what kind of ideology people have. but i never get credit for it. im still just the lazy kid while my sister get cred for..... idk studying and working our and being didciplined. also ive been through mich more than anyone in this family. my mom and brother has also been through shit, i mean okay ALL OF them have because all people go through shit, but ive LEARNT things and they havent. they’ve repressed it or ignored it. only my mom and brother have also learnt but they never talk. my brother is avodiant like my sister. he never talks. hes quiet to himself and thinks. my mom talks but shes still a pussy

[14hnds-blog]

me,laughing in the bg. in reality i’m swinging a baseball bat on my own skull because this always happens. Drama under the cut, because I’ve pissed someone off again and their pretty cruel and cold vent post that was drawn 90%+ at best from so many of our conversations  hit me the wrong way. Self righteous, entitled, just ugh.

I have never said anyone was a terrible person nor implied it!!!!! My whole post I made earlier was about wanting communication and clarification. Unlike someone who decided to make an ENTIRE POST vaguing me specifically with an added ‘this is not about anyone specific’ line as if the word for word documentation of some of our friendships going ons wasn’t specific. ( “ Do you honestly think I will waste my precious time on someone that doesn’t care enough to be a decent human being?” Nice line, thank you, I know I’m trash.) I worded it poorly because of my yanno, 24 hours no sleep routines and because it was the thousandth time and i was panicking and depressed but hey. I’ll give you that. Coulda done it better, but I wanted to know what I did wrong and venting outwardly helps me sometimes.

I have never acted like the world???? Revolves around my problems???? That sounds like self projection for your multitudes of unfollows and threatening to close down your blog??? Oops I vent to my dash occasionally yes but that’s all I have, yet I don’t expect anyone to respond and I don’t expect the kindness I get but hey, I get it. i never hold other people down in regards to my mental illlness tho, i never shut them down???

“ Honey, in all due respect, you're not the only one with crippling anxiety, depression, and mental issues. Sorry I can't tell people when I unfollow them. “ Honey, first of all, I sat there and said I wanted clarification that was all. We had planned to do things, but I’ve been slow with almost everyone save for a few things here and there. My boyfriends can’t even get me to play video games with them. You had unfollowed me multiple times, at the very least all I did was expect you to maybe touch base with me on what we’d talked about, orbeen like ‘hey i had to unfollow because you’re cluttering my dash’ or smth because we haven’t been interacting  It’s one thing if we never talkedbut we’d spoken a lot and I was hurt that it kept happening and just assumed it would be commonplace to talk with someone you’ve had enough interraction with personally.

I’m sorry the holidays got busy and i never finished the reply to your starter?????

“When someone sits there and acts like the world should revolve around their issues or that no one else has these problems but them, I draw the line.“ How fucking outrageous that I asked for fucking clarification if people I know personally want to unfollow me. I didn’t say YOU NEED TO TALK TO ME, I just said that it’s happened before and I’d love to know esp if I can resolve smth. communication is nice. And I know not everyone can do it!!! I never said everyone needed to either!!!!!!!

This post in response to this post? I’m sorry I’m a panicky fuckwit, and me trying to assure if I did something wrong or trying to understand things messes with you? But oh sorrry for also making the world revolve around my mental illness. O_O All the shit you said just feels cruel as hell and idk. did you actually ever care as a friend? did you ever actually have interest in me as a person or was it just rp with a side of pretending that you wanted? I’m sure their post is about multiple people but a majority if not 98% is reflective fo the fact that I didn’t have the energy to do the things they constantly invited me to do. I just. How do you look at someone and even say that over a damn reply. I owed you a reply. Even on my dash I’ll usually make a post to vent and then I fuck off and do something till I feel better? But I don’t know why you want to use this against me like? I do sincerely apologize for not being at the top of my game with replies but it’s been the holidays? And I’ve been selective with muse during them? but idk. IDK!!! but to say stuff like “ Honestly, and I'm not saying this passive aggressively, I'm not that fun to rp with. There's many out there better and more exciting that fill the rolls people want. ” when I’ve expressed being interested and stuff just sucks? I really am sorry I’ve been poor at getting out interaction rolling but it just felt so damn guilt worthy because you said this stuff constantly. This just goes to show just how easy it is for people to hate me and how often it happens and idk. Im frustrated and confused and annoyed, because having nice things shoved at me only to be unfollowed constantly in a way that felt guilting just messed me up bad. I could’ve worded it better but I”m sorry I couldn’t help the fact that your behavior on that front had literally triggered me because my abusive boyfriend would shower me in gifts only to take it all away because I didn’t do what they wanted. I hope you can find it in yourself to get your blog to prosper, I’m sorry I didn’t get to reply to your starter because I’ve been shite with replies recently, and I’m sorry for your struggles. In the end it just adds to the fact that no one likes me 90% of the time and chances are if you do now it’ll probably fade. I don’t know. I’m tired. This person 90% has me blockd I’m sure because they blocked me on Discord while I was asleep.

idk anymore but if i ever make you feel bad or anything of the sort talk to me and we can smooth things out because I’m always happy to help accommodate my friends and mutuals. im so tired god fucking damnit.

[ilikeswishcheese]

alright, i think i need to write this now, because most of my summer has been shit.

Straight up, the most ignored and lonely summer ever. I don’t wanna over exaggerate, but sincerely i thought after highschool i would lose most of my friends. And thats true. most people who i would say hi to in the halls and would have niche converstations with, they’ve stopped talking to me because we wern’t forced to see eachother anymore. But the level of loneliness has sky rocketed. Like i know its not other people’s jobs to pay attention to me. But it kinda is your job to reply to my messages. If you take a day to respond to my message, understandable, if you take 2 days understandable. if you just dont WANT to reply ALSO UNDERSTANDABLE. Its when you dont want to reply, and you think just ignoring me will make the “problem” go away. This frustrates me, because if you don’t wan to talk to me  fucking tell me to fuck off or smth i think that’s 100% acceptable and understandable, i know im not a person who can get along with everyone. This i thought was a niche scenario that would only happen 1 time and it would be over. Not going to lie, having someone ignore me is the worst experience i’ve probably ever had. Then it happened again, with someone i also didnt know that well, it also happened with someone i did know really well (but i foregive her beacuse she’s busy and also super popular and has more important people to talk to besides me). then it happened to a friend of mine who i considered very close and now i just feel like shit because no one wants to talk to me, im lonely and im just all around tired of this shit. Am i that boring/ annoying/ sadistic? i dont even know whats wrong with me, no one will talk to me. Did i do something that im not aware of, am i somehow losing my mind. On top of all of this, there are amazing, friendly and nice people who i’d love to talk to, and they’re super nice to me when we talk, its just im always the one initiating the conversations and i end up feeling like im forcing the conversation or forcing a reply. I don’t want to force anyone to do anything, i want it to be a relaxing conversation, but i want the conversations to be 50/50 or at least as close to it as possible, everytime im in a conversation it gets so 1 sided and i reply instantly and they reply maybe 1 time every other day. im sad and lonely and im pretty sure no one will want to talk to me again.

Depression. I think most if not all of my hobbies are turning into sad attempts at time filling. Im no longer doing things because i like them, im doing things because i’d rather be doing them then doing nothing. Mostly my hobbies have been league, skating and overwatch, (all things that i am awful at and get embarrassed to even talk to other people about.) but these time fillers have started to drain me, personally i’ve spent way to much time inside playing video games and watching youtube, but i’ve done it because its been an escape aswell as being enjoyable. but recently i can’t play league alone or else i do terrible in the games i get mad and i blame myself for being so bad. The hobby has just felt like a chore recently. And skating, its hard to call myself a skater, i know its a long proccess and everyone starts from nothing, but i feel pointless when im skating, im learning alot more recently but its felt like im doing it alone and im constantly worried that other people are judging me, it feels awful. Lastly, along with everything going awry and basically me feeling like shit and wanting to die and not do anything or fast foreward, i start work soon, i go on vacation and i have university to look foreward too. Its looking up, but im not sure how much longer i can handle people ignoring me, hobbies turning into chores and the amount of god damned bugs i have to kill in this house. Fuck you life and fuck everything you stand for because honestly you can suck my toe.