#im not sure how often i’ll be on today but im gonna try my hardest!!! ໒꒰ྀི ∩´﹏`∩ ꒱ྀིა i promise!!!

[yuukimiyas]

ଘ(੭ˊ꒳​ˋ)੭✧ happy saturday my loves!! today im going to a pumpkin patch w my mom for a lil & then tonight i’m going to a haunted house w some friends!! (๑˃̶͈̀◡˂̶͈́๑) spooky season is upon us!!!! giving you a huge squeeze & makin you cute lil ghost cookies & milk <333

[sj0228]

astro notes for fun lol

HEY! this is my first astro observations post so don't be too hard on me lol unless u wanna then sure maybe i can improve them somehow BUTANYWAYZ this is for entertainment purposes only!! obviously these are just my own observations so if they don't resonate with you don't get offended or you're a big ol' 🅱️uss so here they are!! also SHOUTOUT TO MY AMAZING FRIENDS fyi i got sum help from them by asking them billions of questions to confirm my suspicions so uh hope that makes the observations more accurate LOL ANYWAYS HERE THEY ARE!! i'll probably make more in the future cuz i think they're super fun to make :D also if u couldnt tell uhm this isnt very professional im not professional BUT I TRIED TO MAKE IT PRETTY so pls dont be bothered lol im just doing this for fun i didnt even wanna make an astro page so yea </3pretty unreliable LMAOOO

👩🏻‍🦲 the house your mars is in is what pisses you off the most!! (eg. 1st - people assuming things about you, 5th - people beating around the bush, 7th - things that disrupt the harmony of your environment, 9th - the need to hold back your opinions because others get bothered by them being "offensive")

👩🏻‍🦲 cancers are true ambiverts and i've truly never ever seen a cancer who wouldn't be both introverted and extroverted at times. they are always either social introverts or quiet extroverts lol. or both!! (somehow 0_0) they enjoy people's attention, whether it's wanting to be noticed or appreciated or generally cared for, and they need their alone time. they tend to be very productive at those times, too.

👩🏻‍🦲 ok i have a lot of notes for cancers so it's gonna be a lot lmao sorry anyways!! i've also noticed they LOVEEE breaking loose every once in a while, if not every time they're given the opportunity! thing is, it's usually only if someone else is there to convince them or do it with them. they don't like taking risks alone! they are very impressed and fond of the 'wild child' persona people because they bring out the cancer's wild side!

👩🏻‍🦲 libra moons are absolutely loved by people, it's so crazy! like, no matter what they do they always have attention on them. this can manifest badly if the moon person is actually pretty horrible, things they do tend to be overlooked and others move on pretty quickly from their mistakes, letting them do whatever they want. i wanted to give an example but uh,,,,, i shall.. refrain😳

👩🏻‍🦲 libra suns with water moons are so scary when they're angry..

👩🏻‍🦲 cancer moon is what i deem as the zodiac sign cute-ifyer lol. literally any "tough" sign like capricorn, scorpio or aquarius becomes a super cute goofball with this moon. WEIRDEST THING EVER THOUGH is that it doesn't work for cancer suns?! like if a cancer sun has a cancer moon this just makes the person very confusing but very funny. they can brighten anybody's day without trying!

👩🏻‍🦲 okay uh this isn't an astro note as much as it is me being a phucken simp but uh..... I HAVE AN UNDYING LOVE FOR ARIES SUNS I WILL MARRY EVERY EACHAND ONE OF YOU ISTG. ARIES SUNS ARE THE NICEST AND FUNNIEST PEOPEL I'VE EVER SEEN YOU HAVE THE BEST HUMOR EVER AND YOU'RE SO KIND TO EVERYBODY YOU'RE SO KIND I LOVE YOU YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS PLANET I WANT TO HUG YOU FOREVER okay jbshxhjn but fr aries are the best people ever?!?!?!?!?!?! pls

👩🏻‍🦲 okay JUST SO THIS WHOLE ARIES MENTION ISN'T JUST A POINTLESS LOVE CONFESSION - i've noticed a lot of ♥aries♥ people use the laughing crying face emojis (😂,🤣) unironically and it's honestly.....the best thing ever

👩🏻‍🦲 taurus suns do this sometimes as well

👩🏻‍🦲 THE MOST UNHEALTHY PERCEPTIONS OF ZODIAC SIGNS ARE PUT ON FIRE SIGNS, NOT THE WATER SIGNS AND THIS IS COMING FROM A PISCES!!!!!!1 every stereotype is always showing fire signs as those sunshine of the group people, the baddies, and the ones with the biggest 'idgaf' attitude. and while this can totally be true sometimes, most of the time it's super different! sad fire signs break my heart pls i just wanna hug you guys T-T they have it the hardest because unlike water signs who are already expected to be emotional, they often repress their emotions for the sake of others and because of the fear of betrayal or judgement, or just generally the idea of "it's better to have fake friends than to have zero friends". YOU GUYS PLEASE. cut these people off from your life you deserve soo much better i know it can be super hard to open up for you u just need a hug omg EVERYONE PLEASE CHECK UP ON YOUR FIRE SIGN FRIENDS ASK THEM ABOUT THEIR DAY N STUFF THEY WILL APPRECIATE YOU CARING FOR THEM! pls stay best and take care sweethearts ily!!!

👩🏻‍🦲 i've also noticed that some of the signs tend to show their sadness through anger - this is not just astrology though so if your friend has been jumpy lately please just check on them they are probably going thru sth😳 anyways the signs i mostly saw this in are pisces, aries and libra.

👩🏻‍🦲 cancers with feminine moons (earth and water) tend to be pretty introspective. they often think they're the ones being mistreated, and while this of course might be true, in reality it usually goes a lonnng way back lol. they often pay very little attention to others!! (masculine moon sign cancers (fire and air) can often be too focused on others more than themselves) this can be good because they don't snoop in other people's business but oh my god, guys, please pay attention to your friends, too! this WILL lead to lost friendships because, let's be real, nobody wants a one-sided friendship with someone who only cares about themselves! i don't want to target anybody here but this is just a pattern i've noticed wayyyy too often, so you might want to look into it and if you think this is you all you need is just to enlargen your perspective and it will all be okay. but please, PLEASE. think about your friends

👩🏻‍🦲 i needed to get this^ out because people often put this on leo placements but tbh i notice that leo placements are THE MOST generous of the entire zodiac and they always think of others first and that's what really makes them so popular. they very rarely are as egocentric as everybody says, they're just really loving and that makes them very lovable!

👩🏻‍🦲 scorpio risings are the prettiest people i've ever seen. not even kidding bruh i could stare at them for EVER their eyes are absolutely gorgeous and their mannerisms are just perfect pls marry me

👩🏻‍🦲 gemini and taurus placements make an individual soooo chill to the point where it often makes them lazy and a biig procrastinator lol. tho i love how they make light of it by using their amazing humor!

👩🏻‍🦲 you most definitely have your IC be one of your family members' sun sign or one of their personal planets. i have a taurus ic and my sister is a taurus sun!

👩🏻‍🦲 sagittarius suns are the best huggers cause THEY REALLY NEED A HUG SO GO HUG THEM RIGHT NOW. pls guys why r u so sad..

👩🏻‍🦲 scorpio mars aren't even as sexual as everybody says tbh. but they definitely do have some interesting.....interests ;)

👩🏻‍🦲 pluto aspects to personal planets are very prominent, but very hidden. if you have them, most likely you will be the only person to know about this side of you and it can be pretty dark..

👩🏻‍🦲 planets conjunct your sun will be the people you attract most in your life (venus conjunct sun - taurus and libra, jupiter - sagittarius and pisces, mars - aries and scorpio EVERYWHERE)

👩🏻‍🦲 your moon sign will be the sun sign of most of your friends

👩🏻‍🦲 if you don't quite relate to your ascendant, look at the sign you have in your 3rd house and at your mercury sign. this is how you communicate, convey your ideas etc. and will often be a major factor in people's first impressions of you :)

👩🏻‍🦲 lilith aspecting your sun may mean there's a side of you nobody knows.. 👁👁 you're also probably very convincing and people can be very drawn to you and they can't explain why. this also goes for lilith in 7th, especially in girls!

👩🏻‍🦲 you and your friends probably have each other's sun signs as your personal planets!!

👩🏻‍🦲 the kindest person you know is probably either a virgo or an aries.. and the meanest person you know is also probably a virgo or aries LOL

👩🏻‍🦲 capricorn suns & risings are THE hardest to read!! if they don't say what they mean people will just assume and they're never going to be right it's wild 👩🏻‍🦲 also capricorns definitely have the most dad energy, while sagittariuses are more like actual dads jdbshxcvb

OKAY THAT'S ALL!!!! im sure i have more but its 2 am i have school tomorrow or actually its today now so bye uh anyways there will most likely be more so if u liked these stay tuned!! oh and let me know if they were true witchu :o thats it love u stay awesome and super cool i love u byebye!!

[xgiannax]

Hey❕ I’ve just felt so terrible for the past few days, I have a head cold😕 which kinda scared me at first because with everything going on with the virus I kinda forgot that it was possible to be ‘regular sick’ if that makes sense? Idk 😭

🦋The Dare Master🦋

“Hey, Y/N!” Kaminari pulled you in for a side hug and you gasped feigning shock

“Woah dude, what is that?! There’s this really strong force surrounding you. Almost like...The Force” he looked at you as if you were insane which made the girls relaxing in the lounge behind you snicker silently

“The Force? Y/N, what are you on? That stuffs not real-“

“Of course it is, why do you think magnets move toward each other so strongly?” You stumbled 100% sure that you would fail, there’s no way he’s going for this you groaned biting your lips.

“Yeah right, Y/N! Magnets come together because of magnetic force-.....FORCE! HOLY COW” Jirou almost cracked laughing loudly into a pillow on the lounge couch, You ignored her and shushed him quickly pulling him in by his arm

“Shh Shh! Listen, Denki. I don’t know how to say this, but I think you might have The Force” his eyes went wide looking around the room “Here, let’s start small. You see that empty cup in front of Ashido? Knock it over”

The two of us turned toward the group of girls and they quickly acted ‘natural’. He stared intently at the cup, Momo nudged the corner of the coffee table near her sending the cup flying to the ground rather convincingly. He quickly paled, you looked up at him stunned

“What if my power falls into the wrong hands? Does this mean the fate of the world is up to me?! *sigh* I guess today I’ve become a man. I’ve got to go, Y/N. I’ve got some..thinking, to do.” He brooded almost comically and disappeared toward the boys hallway, when he was out of ear shot all the girls erupted into laughter and a few cheers

“There is no damn way you actually just pulled that shit off!” Jirou shouted through laughter, you smirked

“I told y’all, truth or dare master. At this rate, I’m gonna be rich” your smug reply made Ashido squint mischievously, and something told you you weren’t gonna like what came next

“Hold on, hold on before the next person takes their turn... since you’re the ‘dare master’ your turn isn’t over, let’s make it all or nothing? “ you nodded skeptically

“Okay? What’s the dare?” Her grin widened

“Ignore your boyfriend, for the rest of the day” You paled, mouth instantly falling open

“What?! It’s only 3 o’clock now, so for how long?!”

“Until 9pm” all the girls ‘oooo’ed “Yep. She can’t do it”

“I can!” You protested

“Bet money you can’t, if you loose you owe us each 3$” she countered pulling out 3 singles from her pocket and slamming it on the coffee table, all the other girls followed doing the same thing.

“So? What’s it’s gonna be? Better choose quick here comes Kirishima now, you know Bakugou isn’t far behind him”

“Fine!” You hissed at her through clenched teeth

“Mhm. Meet here at 8:30, so that we can prove that you didn’t cheat. If you even make it that long”

“You’re on-“

“Y/N! Hey, how’s our gourgous girlfriend doing!?” You heard a angry growl and a thud shortly after “Ouch, okay okay I was kidding she’s only yours!” When you turned back all of the other girls had vanished accept for Momo, a witness you guessed. You piped up instantly and glanced at the clock

3:22 pm

“Hey, Kiri! What have you been up to?” He sat in front of you while your boyfriend slid comfortably beside you and grabbed your waist, nudging your neck with his nose to greet you. You wanted to melt. Even though the man was aggressive and angry most of the time, when it came to you touch was definitely his love language. Maybe this wouldn’t be so hard, he didn’t seem to be in a talking mood today. Pshh I got this. You thought smugly

7:00 pm

You absolutely and positively do not have ‘this’. This was unbelievably hard and was only getting worse as the day progressed, he sent you meme after meme and it was taking everything in you not to respond to his text messages. You picked your phone up off the table and felt a pang in your heart, 30 missed text messages and 9 missed calls from him. There was a knock on your door and you knew it was him, so you forced yourself not to open it. But of course, he let himself in with the spare key and saw you laid across the bed

“Hey, dumbass. What the hell are you doing that you can’t text me back or answer me?!” He asked in his typical aggressive voice, you didn’t acknowledge him and continued to scroll through you phone. He slammed the door behind him and stormed in

“What is your issue, Y/N seriously” again, nothing. “Did I do something?” He asked gruffly, only slightly lowering his voice in concern. No response, he growled in frustration and stomped over to the bed hovering over you and trapping you with a hand on either side of your head

“If I did something just-just say it dumbass, I mean it!” The genuine concern in his voice almost made you break and hug him so he knew you weren’t actually mad. Instead, you turned your head away from him and bit your tongue

“Tch, fine! Fuck it then! You wanna ignore me? I can ignore you too” you half cheered and half frowned because now he was mad at you, but at least it would make ignoring him easier if he was ignoring you. The door to your room slammed shut and you let out a relieved breath.

8:30 pm

Feeling completely untouchable you sat in the dorm lounge area cross legged on the couch, Jirou was sulking slouched in a chair knowing that she only had 30 minutes. After Katsuki left earlier you left your dorm room so he wouldn’t be able to find you, you hung out with a couple of your classmates. The less you saw him the quicker you won.

“You wanna just give it up now, Jirou? I told you, I’m a legend at truth or dare” she glared at you, then her face suddenly lit up

“No way, don’t get too cocky we still have 30 minutes. Wait here...” she disappeared down the hall and you scoffed sinking comfortably into the cushions. About 15 minutes had gone by before you heard something that sent a chill down your spine

“Y/F/N FUCKING Y/L/N YOU BETTER RUN BECAUSE IM ACTUALLY GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!” Your boyfriend boomed from down the hall, Jirou came running in out of breath. She bent over with her hands on her knees

“Better start gathering the money up, Y/N!” You glared at her

“What did you do-“

“Hey, out of my way!” He stormed in the room and locked eyes with you, to say he was fuming was an understatement “Wanna tell me why you went out with everyone but me?” You snapped your mouth shut and looked at the wall above his head, trying your hardest not to loose when you were so close

“UGH WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NOT TALKING TO ME? ACTUALLY, I DONT CARE YOURE GONNA TALK TO ME WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT-“ he was storming toward you and your eyes fell on the clock. 8:52. You couldn’t hide the grin that covered your face, he stopped his angry persuit and stared at you with hard eyes when he saw your goofy smile. He turned to Jirou, then turned back to look at you.

“What is it that you aren’t telling me, Y/N” he asked with a raised eyebrow stalking toward you, he smiled evily and you knew what was coming next. You grabbed a throw pillow and used it to cover your midsection, he pounced yanking it away from you with an evil laugh and you grabbed his wrists trying to hide your shocked giggles

“Come on, take the easy way out and just confess. Or I can get it out of you the hard way baby, you know I can” He growled, your eyes fell on the clock. 8:56. While you were distracted he pushed you back and dug both of his hands into your exposed armpits

“NAAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA” You screeched thrashing around insanely with your arms clamped to your sides. He was merciless as he drilled his fingers deep into the hollows of your armpits and wiggled them quickly, there was no way you could take much longer of this. You shook your head side to side violently and arched your back trying to throw him off but of course failing. Just as you expect he didn’t let up or budge one bit

“ I don’t even feel bad for killing you like this dumbass, you’ve been ignoring me all day! Had me thinking I did something wrong- nope come here you’re not going anywhere! Move your hands, you deserve this!” Katsuki pulled you back on the couch and forced your hands to the side blowing raspberries all over your stomach and wrecking your armpits at the same time, after about 4 raspberries you lost count and fell into silent laughter. Through your teary eyes you saw the time and you felt more relief than ever. 9:02. Any relief you felt washed away almost instantly when he ruthlessly squeezed and poked at your knees and thighs, by now you had no energy to fight and you just laid weak and completely wrecked screaming your head off. Bakugou would usually tickle and tease you often and could be pretty relentless.

But this time, he completely destroyed you which you no doubt deserved for taking the stupid dare, you tried to scold yourself mentally but couldn’t think about anything other than how incredibly crazy he was driving you kneading into your inner thighs

“STOHOHOP I CANHAHAT TAKE ANYMORE! AHAHA ITWASADARE” he stopped looking down at you with a glare

“What did you just say?”

“It was a dare. I was *hiccup* supposed to ignore you for the dare” You slurred completely out of breath and tingling from his attack. Jirou crossed her arms swearing

“Shit, well I guess you won Y/N. I’ll tell the girls, we’ll bring you the money later” she sulked off and your boyfriend stared down at you pretending like he was mad at you

“You mean to fucking tell me that you ignored me all day for a damn bet?!”

“No! I mean yeah, but not on purpose?” Your nervous talking was a result of the look he was giving you that told you he wasn’t done with you yet or anytime soon.

[theultimatenonbinarynerd]

Ok, so I'm gonna start posting one-shots from my post putting others first one-shot book onto here. First, we have Trust In Me which is Roceit obviously.

Synopsis: It's been an entire week since the video and Roman hasn't come out of his room at all, not even to eat. After a discussion with Thomas and a heavy scolding from Remus, Janus realises that Roman has had a severe creative burn out.

Can Janus help Roman recover?

P.s This is based on my head cannon that Janus can force sides to sleep if they're not looking after themselves. I know in the video it saids denial but I think Janus's core functions are Deceit and Self Preservation especially because of the language he used during putting others first.

Tw: Self Harm, not looking after one's self and creative burnout.

It had been nearly over a week since the video and Roman had refused to let anyone in his room. After a talk with Virgil and Janus, they had both managed to make amends, Patton was so relieved. Thomas not only took time for himself but he talked with Virgil and reassured him that he trusted him. The youtuber also apologised to Logan for ignoring him and reassured him that he would listen to him more often. However, Thomas was overworking himself and began to sleep less. Everyone including Thomas thought Roman needed time to heal, boy they were wrong.

That brought Thomas to today, he was sleep-deprived and barely functioning. He knew that Janus would be the best one to call to help solve the problem due to him being the expert on self-care.

Janus sunk up in his new spot in the kitchen. He looked at Thomas with deep worry and concern.

"How can I help you, Thomas?!"

"I haven't been able to sleep, I took your advice but then I kept staying up later and later jotting down ideas."

"Ah, I see, Roman hasn't come out of his room since the video, he hasn't come down for meals. Every time Patton has left a plate outside Roman's door it has remained untouched. We haven't even been able to sink into Roman's room."

"Oh no that's bad!"

"Heck yeah and you deserve it, Roman's half of the imagination was on fire and I had to put it out all by myself."

"That kind of language won't help Thomas, Remus."

"You don't have the right to tell me what to do! Especially after you abandoned me and broke my brother."

"Re, he made fun of my name, he needed to know he was wrong. I was just trying to teach him."

"Don't you lie to me, you know your comeback broke him, in fact, it was worse. Look at Thomas and tell me that's a sign Thomas is ok."

"Your right, Thomas im going to use my powers on Roman. Lie down as you may begin to feel yourself drift off. Also, I advise you take a creative break as that will help Roman fully recover from whatever state he's gotten himself into."

"Thanks, Janus, make sure to send him to me when he feels better."

"Don't worry I will do, now do yourself a favour and sleep."

Thomas sunk into the covers and looked up to the sky before trying to fall asleep. Meanwhile, Janus and Remus sunk into the mindscape and hurried to Roman's Room. Remus tried the door nob but it was locked.

"Remus break down the door!"

"Yes sir!"

Remus summoned his morning star and began beating at the door till it was nothing but splinters. When the duo walked in they were absolutely heartbroken at the sight they saw. Roman was at his desk trying to come up with more ideas. The creative side, looked as thin as a twig, his prince costume was on the ground torn and he had bags underneath his eyes that could rival Virgil's eye shadow.

Roman hadn't even taken notice of the door being broken by Remus. His focus was purely on jotting down in his crimson red note book. Remus grabbed the torn up Prince costume.

"Remus go fix his costume, I can handle this!"

"J-J-Jay?"

"I'll take care of him, Remus."

"Thank you!"

Roman punched the desk in frustration, he was trying his hardest to help Thomas be productive and come up with good ideas. He couldn't remember the last time he slept or ate but he remembered that he needed to prove to Thomas that he was useful. He looked at his wrist and saw yet another bruise form on his already damaged body.

"Oh Roman, we've all been so worried, you haven't been eating any of the food Patton left outside of your door."

The creative side jumped at the sight of the snake. He was sure he had locked his door but when he saw the broken-down door he was highly confused. Roman looked at Janus with a cold expression.

"Roman, listen to me it's been over a week, Thomas is burned out for the constant input your giving. You need to rest, you've burnt yourself out."

"Why do you care snake, I'm the bad guy, I'm the one hurting Thomas and why did the others send you I thought they wanted me to be useful for Thomas and not hurt him."

"Roman, you're not hurting Thomas, you're hurting yourself, why can't you see that?"

"Because I'm always wrong, maybe we should go to the callback wrong, you're the bad guy wrong. Every time I share my ideas I'm wrong. It was wrong for me to make fun of your name it's actually gorgeous and suits you it's just I thought it was what the others wanted but clearly as always I was wrong."

"Oh Roman, how did we let you fall so far? I shouldn't have reacted the way I did you and Remus are not evil or similar your just both opposites and that's amazing. We all love you, Roman, when I nodded I was trying to reassure you that Thomas was telling the truth. You do so much for us."

"I-I how can I trust you, the others told me you were trying to manipulate me?!"

"I apologise for my behaviour I should have never targeted your self-esteem the way I did."

"It's ok it's my fault I should have been better but you see locked away I can be."

"No this is unhealthy behaviour, you're destroying yourself."

"I'll do- hey put me down!"

"Roman you need to rest!"

Janus gently placed Roman down on his King-sized bed. He closed his eyes focusing all of his energy on using his powers.

"N-no, need to help T-"

"Roman look at me you need to rest, you've gotten yourself severely ill."

"Jan-"

"Shhhh, Roman you need to rest."

"J-"

"It's ok, I'm right here, now sleep."

Janus gently stroked Roman's hair as his powers began to take effect. He continued to soothe the worn-out creative side.

"Don't fight it you need to rest."

"Janus how a-"

"Sleep."

Roman wanted to fight it to stay awake but for the first time in weeks, he felt so relaxed. The creative side drifted off into unconsciousness. Janus tucked Roman in and gently kissed him on the cheek. He then grabbed the thermometer and checked the temperature of the creative side. Janus gasped out how hot Roman was, this indeed was a severe burnout and it would take at least a few weeks to nurse Roman back to help. Guilt struck his heart if only they'd bothered to barge into Roman's room after the video, then this wouldn't have happened.

"Rest well, my love."

Roman groaned in pain, he felt as hot as lava. Everything was blurry and the only thing he could make out was a blur of dark blue and black.

"L-Logan?"

"It's alright Janus is in the kitchen, he told me what happened."

"I'm so-"

"I don't want to hear it Roman, I understand what it's like to feel like your not listened too. I forgive you, now drink up if you weren't a figment of Thomas we would have lost you by now."

"Pft thanks teach."

Roman accepted the cup of water and gulped it down as slowly as he could. His hand shook violently trying to hand the cup back to Logan.

The next time Roman, awoke was when he felt his mouth tingle. He adjusted to his surroundings releasing that he was still sick. The creative side gasped in shock weakly, when he saw the tall figure of his brother towering over him.

"You're an idiot you know that righty."

"Right, where's Jan?"

"In the kitchen again, he thinks some sweet things will help. Sorry, it's just I was so worried especially when we broke into your room."

"I understand, Rem I-"

"I know but promise me you'll stop this self-destructive, behaviour."

"I-I can't promise but I'll try my very best."

"Good Ro-bro, now open wide you need to take some medicine."

Roman's tongue tingled in delight feeling the strawberry flavoured liquid go down. He eventually once again felt drowsy and drifted off back to sleep.

Once again Roman awoke but this time he could hear soft Disney Music echoing across the room. He blinked and saw a soft blur of black and purple.

"Ha knew that would wake you up, princey."

"Virgil?!"

"Before you start questioning your brothers with Janus making share the snake gets some rest. He's never left your side you know, for hours he would only leave to cook you food."

"I-I didn't think-"

"Of course you thought that, oh how I wished me and Patton were less hard on you during the courtroom. We should have realised that you're just a fragile little butterfly sooner."

"Why am I a butterfly?"

"Because butterflies are so beautiful and graceful."

"Im not beautiful a-"

"Roman Creativity Sanders, I will not sit here and watch you talk bad about yourself. You matter and you are so important, if it wasn't for you Thomas wouldn't be where he is today if it wasn't for you Thomas wouldn't have a fan base that adore and idolise him. You're the one who tries to make Logan loosen up, you're the one who makes sure Patton is happy and you reassure me that Thomas is safe to take risks. You make us better!"

"I-I-"

"Well, it seems I've left you speechless, this is not your fault Roman, we're your fam-ILY we should have noticed that we were hurting you."

"Sor-"

"Not everything is on you Roman, you always try to be better, you tried to be nicer to me but I didn't do that in return."

"Um thanks, I guess."

"Here Patton made you some healing soup."

Roman carefully chugged down the soup, his hands still felt extremely achy. The next time he woke up to someone other than Janus was when he felt water trickling down his forehead. Roman looked up to see a familiar light blue and grey blur towering over him.

"Shh it's only me kiddo, how are you feeling?"

"Boiling."

"Your fevers died down, thanks to Thomas taking a creative break."

"He really did that for me?"

"Of course Kiddo, we've all been trying to help you recover especially Janus. In fact, he's talking with Thomas right now."

"I-I thought you all hated me, I thought everything I did wasn't good enough."

"Don't ever say that again I really do mean it kiddo we love ya. From now on I'm gonna show how much we care. I see it now that I wasn't just hurting Thomas with my strictness it hurt you too and for that I'm sorry. You're allowed to be flawed."

"Thanks, padre it-it um means alot to me."

"Now here you're still sick so you still need to take your medicine."

It took approximately four weeks for Roman to heal from his drastic creative burnout. The side crawled out of bed and changed into his black undergarments. He still didn't quite feel worthy of his Prince costume but he still felt ready to confront his others. As soon as he opened the door he was greeted by Janus who looked like he was about to burst into tears.

"R-Roman, you've fully recovered."

"Yeah, mainly thanks to you, why didn't you tell us your other main functions were denial and self-preservation."

"Only Virgil and Remus knew of my functions and powers. I just knew that you guys wouldn't believe me."

"Well, I'm very grateful you stayed by my side."

"Ah, it was nothing but seriously both you and Thomas need to learn that selfishness can be good sometimes."

"I remember me, telling you I went against you to please the others and that still stands. You were right from the beginning and I should have realised you were trying to tell me that giving up the call back to please the others was not ok."

"I'm glad you've learned and I promise you if you lie about how your feeling I'll call you out on it."

"Thank you, Janus."

"My pleasure Roman, I did promise to send you to Thomas as soon as you'd recovered but I'm sure your starving, Patton cooked your favourite."

"Mmmm lasagne."

"Bon appetite."

After that horrible burnout, Roman never ever bottled up his feelings, he even got to share his room with Remus. Thomas got another callback and he made sure this time that he compromised with his friends. It took a while but a lot of the fanders began to understand Roman's importance and problems as well. Roman stans were no longer the rarity.

The End

[buckys-estrella]

Chapter Seven

To The Stars [Social Media AU] {Drabble}

word count: 890 :)

Y/N is an actress who finally got her big break. She's gonna be working with Bucky Barnes who she's had a crush on for years. The two get put together in the movie as love interests, but can that romance make it offscreen?

You have never been part of a movie set this big. Everyone was bustling and had something to do, the energy was amazing and you could definitely get used to this. Less than a minute of staring doe-eyed at the whole set, a woman with a headset came and pulled you aside. “Are you Y/n L/n?”

“Um yes I am” You replied. A relieved smile spread over her face, “Oh thank God I found you, I’ve been looking everywhere! We need to get you in hair and makeup ASAP.” She was already walking away as she was talking and you stumbled a bit as you started to follow her. “I’m Daisy by the way, basically my job is to get you where you need to be, I guess you could see me as your personal babysitter.” She winked at that and led you to the door of what you assumed to be the hair and makeup trailer.

“I’ll be back in about 45 minutes to take you to where you need to be on set.” Without another word Daisy left and seconds later the trailer door opened to show an older woman with heavy makeup on. “Y/n? Oh come in darling, we’ve been waiting so long for you to get here. Now just take a seat down in that chair and we’ll have you shining like a star in no time!”

Just like Daisy said, exactly 45 minutes later she was back and hustling me out like there wasn’t a second to waste. “It’s a pretty simple scene for today, I assume you read the script and know what’s going on?”

“Oh yes ma’am.”

“Call me Daisy. Anyways, either way Mr. Rogers is going to talk you through the scene, tell you what he wants you to do, how he wants you to act it, you know the drill. Here he is. Steve!”

“Daisy! Oh you must be Y/n, it’s so great to finally meet you.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you too Mr. Rogers!” He let out a hearty chuckle after you said that. “Oh please, call me Steve! We’re going to spending a lot of time together so we might as well be on a first name basis.” He sent you a dazzling smile and you couldn’t help but swoon a little. There’s no doubt that he’s attractive, hell if you weren’t so whipped on Bucky you’d probably have a crush on Steve…or Sam. That trio of men was a gift from God.

“Well, I’ll leave you two to talk through the scene, if you need anything Y/n just holler and I’ll be there” With that Daisy winked, turned, and left. “Well...guess it’s time to get down to work.” You said while Steve was flipping through the script.

“By the way, if you’re curious, Buck is already working on his scene with Natasha.” Steve added nonchalantly. You nearly choked on your spit and of course Steve noticed. “Um..why uh would I want to know where Barnes is?” You mentally cursed yourself for the blush already creeping up your neck. “Oh no reason, just that you two are texting and Bucky gets really happy when he gets a message from you. I just thought there might be something going on…also, you call him babe.”

“There’s nothing going on, he’s just humoring me. We’re friends that’s it. Uh also did you say he um gets happy when he gets a text? Are you sure they’re from me, I mean it could be anything.” Steve gave a once over at your flustered state and smirked. “Oh you’ve got it bad, but don’t worry, Bucky feels the same. He always talks about you in the group chat. Don’t tell him I told you this but between you and me, I think he really likes you.”

I think he really likes you

I think he really likes you

You could’ve fainted at those six words. James Buchanan Barnes. Liking you? It feels like a dream. This is a dream right? You’ve been in a coma for the past two weeks and this is all a dream. If you were in a coma, this would be some hell of a joke that your brain is playing on you.

“Hey Y/n, you okay? You kind off just got a blank look on your face and I’m starting to become concerned now.”

“Huh? Oh sorry, I’m fine! Just got a bit distracted is all. What were we talking about again?” Bucky

“We were just talking a bit about Buck but we should really focus on starting this scene now.”

“Oh right of course, so what do you want me to do today Captain?” You said with a somewhat playful drawl. “Captain huh? Careful, say it too often and I might get used to that type of power. Okay now we should really get down to work soldier.” After his quick cheeky wink we finally got down to business and you did your scene for the day.

After you finally finished and perfected your scene, Daisy came and took you to relax in the on-set break room. Moments after you walked in you locked eyes with Bucky. Bucky. A look of shock on his part was quickly replaced by a warm smile.

“Hey doll, fancy seeing you here.”

Taglist: @geosaurusrrex // @professionalreblogs // @fangeekkk // @ravennightingaleandavatempus // @starkrobb // @piper-koko-barnes-rogers // @viarogers // @dianadov // @sunkissedbarnes // @simplyhemmings // @isabelcrichards // @kakakatey // @kiki5283 // @slytherinyourrpants // @daffodilsbucky // @thelostallycat // @spidizzlemizzle // @actualdpshuri // @https-bucky // @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog // @everything-is-awesomesauce // @cap-just-said-language // @deathofmissjackson // @darthseph // @deliciouslyenchantingpenguin // @nerdy-bookworm-1998 // @thirstyghostqueen

A/N: IM SOOOO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG BUT ITS LIKE ACTUAL WRITING AND NOT JUST SOCIAL MEDIA STUFF AGAIN SORRY!!!! Let me know if you want me to make some other chapters in this format (I'll try my hardest to write it sooner, babes im sorry) Anywayssss please don't abandon me I love y'all, you have all my uwus. Also sorry for any grammar mistakes and I also had no fucking clue how to do the keep reading bar thing. BAsically you have ALL MY SORRYS AND UWUS AND SORRYS

[capcarolsdanver]

Hanahaki

Request: hi, i love ur writing! could you maybe write a hanahaki au with reader x brie larson? (with a happy ending iM SOFT)

Pairing: Brie x Reader

A/N: Hey! I’m back!! Ok let’s be real I had to google what the hanahaki disease was because I’d literally never heard of it.. With that in mind, I hope what I’ve written is okay as this is my first experience writing/reading a story featuring it. Feedback as usual is always appreciated!

Please do not repost my writing anywhere without my permission.

You and Brie have been best friends for years. In fact, you’re so close that you’ve even attended several different award shows with her when she’s chosen not to bring a date. Whenever she does have a date to an event, or a partner in general, you do have to admit you feel something, though you weren’t sure exactly what to call it.

Through every one of her relationships though, Brie always knocks on your door when things go wrong, and you always feel a little guilty because of how glad you feel about her breakups. And it’s not like she ever neglects your friendship or doesn’t spend time with you when she’s in a relationship, but it just feels different when she isn’t dating anyone.

Obviously Brie has a busy schedule, so over the years you’ve gotten used to there being certain periods where she isn’t around so much. Right now, though, you haven’t seen Brie in about 3 months and you can’t even describe how much you miss her.

You’re sitting on your couch watching some tv when your phone rings, and you look at the screen to see that Brie is Facetiming you. You smile, quickly running a hand through your hair before you answer.

“Hey!” You say when Brie’s beaming face appears on your screen.

“Hey! I missed you and I’ve got a few minutes so I just wanted to see your face,” she rushes out, and you smile at her words.

“You’re a dork.”

“Yeah, but you love me anyways,” Brie shrugs with a cheesy grin on her face and you have to duck your head a little to cover the blush that suddenly covers your face without your control.

“How much longer until I see you?” You ask her, effectively changing the subject.

“Not much longer now. Another six weeks and we’re done filming.” You nod, quietly arguing in your head that six weeks actually does seem like too long, when a man approaches from behind Brie. He taps her on the shoulder and smiles at her.

“We’re heading back to set now.”

Oh, okay. Thanks,” she replies to him warmly and you narrow your eyes slightly at their interaction as the man nods and walks away.

“Who’s that?” You can’t help but ask and Brie looks back at you through her screen.

“Oh, that’s one of the sound guys. I’m pretty certain he’s got a thing for me.” She speaks casually and you feel a pang in your chest at the smile she wears on her face. “Okay, I’ve gotta go. Talk later?”

“Yeah, of course.”

You both say your goodbyes and when Brie hangs up you drop your phone on the couch next to you, completely lost in your thoughts.

Suddenly you feel a scratch at your throat and you try to clear it, but instead end up coughing, bringing your hand to cover your mouth.

When you move your hand away, you panic at the sight of a single flower petal resting in your palm. You look at it for a long moment, not really believing your eyes, before throwing the petal in the trash and trying your best to brush it off. You’ve been pretty stressed out lately so you probably just imagined it, or so you try to convince yourself.

------------------------

When you wake up in a coughing fit the next morning, you can’t even try to deny what you’re seeing as two more flower petals land in your palm. You really begin to panic now, grabbing your phone from your bedside table and bringing Google up to try to find out what the hell is happening to you.

Looking through your search results, you see several of the same answer. 'Hanahaki disease’. It’s something you’ve never heard of before, and the more you read about it the more it scares you. A condition that can occur when someone feels unrequited love. Flowers growing in the lungs. Unless the love is returned, or at least when the victim believes the love is returned, the disease can take the life of the person suffering from it.

You still have a hard time believing a disease like this can exist, but that scratch in your throat returns and you cough up yet another petal. You try to process all of the information you’ve just learnt, and you know there’s only one person that you love.

You didn’t realise you’d fallen so hard for Brie, but obviously you had. You make the decision then to not tell her. You’re sure she won’t return your feelings and you don’t want her to pity you.

So, you continue talking to her while she’s gone as if nothing is wrong. And every time you see that same sound guy appear near Brie whenever the two of you FaceTime, you lose just a little more hope. She doesn’t mention him to you at all, which you find somewhat surprising, but you just carry on as if everything is fine.

Your symptoms seem to progressively get worse as the weeks go by. You notice an almost constant scratching in your throat which you struggle to soothe, and when you cough up more flower petals, they’re often covered in drops of blood. You start to feel a constricting kind of tightness in your chest too as the flowers continue to grow inside your lungs.

When Brie is done filming, you head to the airport to pick her up. The moment you see each other, Brie grins and runs to you, meeting you with a strong embrace. You can’t help the wince you let out as she knocks the wind out of you and your lungs ache. Brie notices and is immediately pulling back.

“Sorry, did I hurt you?” She gets a good look at your face and her smile is quickly replaced with a look of concern. “Y/N, what happened? Are you sick?”

Over the weeks you’d watched yourself become paler and paler, deep dark circles forming under your eyes, so you know exactly what Brie is seeing and you know you can’t really hide any of it from her.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” you say, ducking your face away from her gaze a little. “I’ve just been a little under the weather the last couple weeks.” She looks you over before nodding and the both of you leave the airport.

You don’t ask about the sound guy and Brie still doesn’t mention him, so you aren’t sure whether to take that as a good sign or not.

------------------------

It’s been about a week since Brie’s return, and you find yourself lounging on your couch in your apartment feeling a little sorry for yourself. You’re ashamed to admit that you’d been avoiding Brie since she’d come home, trying to hide your illness from her for as long as possible.

You lift your head from where you’re lying on the couch when you hear a sound at your door and a few seconds later Brie walks in and stops in front of you, surveying you.

“Hey, I texted you. Did you not get it?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t checked my phone,” you mumble, dropping your head back to the couch. Brie watches you for a few long moments before walking to the couch and making your move your legs before she sits down and lets you rest them across her lap.

“Okay, well I wanted to see if you’d come on a hike with me.” She smiles hopefully at you and you let out a sigh.

“Brie, I don’t think I’m feeling up to it today.” Her smiles drops into a pout and her hands land on your legs.

“Please,” she begs, offering her best puppy dog eyes.

And really, how are you supposed to say no to her when she looks at you like that? That’s one of the reasons why you got in this mess in the first place. So you grumble as you get up from the couch and get changed out of your pyjamas.

------------------------

You just had to agree to go on a hike with the one person you were trying your hardest to keep your secret from, didn’t you? Of course you knew it was a bad idea. You just didn’t realise it would get thrown back in your face so quickly.

You’re not even that far into your hike yet but your lungs burn like nothing you’ve ever felt before. You fight the overwhelming urge to cough, leaving the hiking trail so you can stop for a moment. You reach a tree and rest your weight on it, trying to steady your breaths.

Brie is quick to follow you. She places a soothing hand on your back and tries to get a look at your face.

“I guess you really weren’t up for this today, huh?”

You’re still trying to catch your breath when you feel that familiar tickle in your throat and panic fills your body as you turn away from Brie. You can’t hold back your coughs any longer, and Brie watches in shock as petal after petal falls from your mouth.

“What the hell?” You hear from beside you. “Y/N, I think you need to go to the hospital. Come on, I’ll take you.” Brie’s words come out in a rush and her hand reaches your arm to lead you back down the hiking trail before you stop her.

“Brie, stop. It’s okay,” you say weakly.

“It’s okay?!” She says in complete disbelief, the expression on her face matching her words. “Y/N, you just coughed up literal flower petals.”

You know there’s no way to avoid telling her now. You have no choice. You let out a defeated sigh.

“If you take me home I’ll explain what’s going on.”

------------------------

“Hanahaki disease,” Brie repeats. She paces across the room, the same action she’s been doing since you told her about your illness, and watch her from where you’re seated on the couch.

“So we need to just make sure whoever you love returns that love, right? Who is it?”

“Brie, I’m not going to tell you. It doesn’t matter, anyway. I have a feeling there’s not really a chance my love will be returned.”

Brie stops pacing to look at you.

“You’re crazy if you believe that,” she mutters. “We have to at least try, Y/N.”

You stubbornly shake your head at her. “It’s not gonna happen,” you get out before you break into a coughing fit. Brie rushes to your side and gently rubs your back in an attempt to comfort you. By the time you finish coughing your hands are full of flower petals, which you drop into the small trash can you’d moved next to the couch when you were lazing there earlier in the day.

“You see what it’s doing to you?” Brie says, distress lacing her words. You use some hand sanitiser and take a generous drink of water from a glass before Brie grabs one of your hands.

“I can’t lose you.” You look up at her and see tears forming in her eyes. “You mean too much to me.” You hold eye contact with Brie for a long moment, her fierce emotion honestly taking you a little by surprise. You think you imagine it when her eyes fall to your lips for a second, but then she can’t seem to control herself as she leans forward to meet your lips with hers.

She kisses you with passion, purpose, and most importantly love and you feel your heart beat faster as you pull back from Brie. You look at her with wide eyes as you feel the tightness in your lungs begin to fade, the roughness of your throat soothing a little and your eyes swell with tears.

“Oh my god,” you breathe out and Brie must take it the wrong way as she pulls away from you completely.

“I’m sorry. I just ruined everything, didn’t I?” She speaks in a panic and tries to stand from the couch before you grab her arm, keeping her planted in her spot next to you.

“Are you kidding? You just saved my life,” you tell her, shock mixing with glee. Brie blinks at you a few times.

“I did?” She asks nervously and you nod at her, a shocked laugh escaping you. You grab at Brie, pulling her close to you again and leaning in.

“Wait,” you say before your lips can meet hers again. “What about the sound guy?”

Brie’s brows furrow in confusion. “What sound guy?” She asks, and the tightness in your chest completely fades.

“Never mind,” you say. You shake your head slightly at yourself before smiling shyly at Brie, finally closing the distance between the two of you again.

[notimetoblog]

Unfair

Summary: She can’t  help but get frustrated at her inability to leave behind little love marks, but Bucky doesn't mind. After all, it is his birthday and spending time with her trying to solve this dilemma is all he could've wished for. 

A/N: Hi guys!!!! It’s been exactly one month since I last posted a fic and im so excited to be able to share this one with you guys!! It is my (super late) entry to the beautiful @sgtjbuccky ‘s challenge! I am so sorry Sal, for taking this long to post! Thank you, though, for being so kind and understanding! It’s also Bucky’s birthday today, so I knew I had to write something fluffy just for him! Thank you all so much reading and I hope you guys like this one. 

It happened every time, and yet the little sounds of disapproval that came from her as she ran her lips across his neck, randomly stopping for a playful frustrated bite, always made him chuckle. 

She laid on top of him, both cozily surrounded by the mess of blankets they had not bothered to fix after last night’s pre-birthday festivities. Her warm body pressed so nicely against his as he wrapped his arm around her waist to bring her even closer. 

“It's not fair,” he heard her whisper, her breath tickling his neck as she found yet another spot on his neck. 

With furrowed brows she raised her head, staring back at him with those lovely eyes of hers. The morning light seeping through his parted curtains cast the prettiest of glows on her adorable pout. She was frustrated, and it made her even more loveable. If she didn't already have his heart, that little pout of hers would’ve won him over in a second. He couldn't quite remember what had officially made his heart hers, but that pout surely was at the top of the list — probably tied with the beauty of her eyes, the warmth of her soul, and the sound of her laugh. 

The happiness he was feeling at having her so close, feeling so wrapped up in her warmth, was evident in the way his lips so easily turned up into a genuine smile.

 “You already tried last time, doll, and it didn’t work.”

“I know,” she said slightly defeated, that pout of hers beautifully intact as she let her eyes roam his neck once more hoping to find the perfect spot. “Still doesn’t make it fair.”

He let his head turn to one side, giving her ample room to continue her exploration of his neck. The gentle pattern she was tracing on his neck with her soft, warm lips was enough for him to feel his eyes close on their own volition. The way her breath fanned across his neck raising goosebumps on their path had his breath quicken. She always had this effect on him. Always could make his already fast-paced heart beat just a little bit faster. Running a mile in less than 5 minutes barely had any effect on his breathing, and yet one simple kiss from her made him breathless.

And ever since she had discovered this little thing about him, their mornings would often be filled with this; her laying directly on top of him trying to find just one tiny spot where she could leave a slight mark.

Her discovery had come in the middle of an incredible night, one the Bucky often thought back to. He had let his lips and hands roam every inch of her body, had taken in those beautiful sounds he was bringing out of her, and he had playfully left a few marks where only he could see. Gently he had sucked a tiny bruise right below her collar bone, letting his tongue soothe and kiss over it, making her squirm much to his delight. With a challenging smile she had turned them over, finding the same spot on him but as she came up her brows had instantly furrowed.

“What?” he had heard her ask quietly only to have her bring her lips over the same spot again saying there for just a little bit longer.

“What’s the matter, darling?” he had asked after she had done the same thing three times, letting his hands continue to roam up and down her sides.

“It won't stay,” she had almost whined, bringing her lips back to the same spot for the fourth time. “It just disappears.”

“What disappears?”

“Wait, give me a sec,” he had heard her say as she found a new spot right below his jaw.

“You’re playing dirty, sweetheart,” he had chuckled as he felt her gently suck a new mark where most people would be able to see.

But there wasn’t a teasing look on her features. Instead one of confusion remained.

“Why doesn’t it stay?” she said a little louder this time, finding yet another spot.

“You haven’t told me what’s so confusing, doll,” he reminded her, turning his head to the side as she pressed her lips to various spots on his neck.

“The mark, Bucky,” she had said, frustration slowly seeping in her voice. “It’s there for like a second, and then it goes away. Look.”

With that, she had gotten up grabbing his hand and pulling him into their bathroom, the bright lights blinding them for a second.

“Look,” she repeated as she brought her lips to his neck once more, but his eyes had remained on her reflection. With the lights on, every inch that he had kissed was now on display for him; something she immediately noticed. “Focus Bucky,” she had giggled. Gently he felt her suck another mark, but as soon as her lips came up, he saw the slight bruise immediately disappear. “Why does it go away? I want it to stay, Buck.”

A chuckle had washed over him after he almost immediately understood what was happening.

“Darling,” he had begun, his arms wrapping around her waist to bring her close again. It hadn’t been more than a few minutes, but still, his body craved hers. “It’s the serum. You know how I can heal broken ribs in a few days? I guess I can heal your cute little marks in seconds.”

“What?” her voice had become scandalized. “How is that fair?!”

“I thought you liked the fact that I healed fast,” he had teased.

“Yes, when there are bullets flying in your direction, but not when I want to leave a little mark.”

“Guess you’re just going to have to try a little harder, doll. I won’t complain if you want to continue your study for a few more hours.”

And she had. Unwilling to give up she had tried her hardest but the serum, of course, wouldn’t let her succeed.

And now she once again laid on top of him, months later, her lips desperately trying to find just one spot that would succumb to her.

“You’re the worst,” he heard her whisper, her voice and the laugh that followed muffled by her proximity to his neck.

“I mean, you’ve only tried my neck, sweetheart. Who’s to say other parts of my body aren’t weaker?”

Her head instantly came up, eyes full of that playful glint he adored. He mimicked her expression, eyes playful, eyebrows wiggling, hoping it would be enough to lead them both to continue the fun they had started last night.

“I know what you’re thinking Bucky Barnes,” she laughed. “Keep looking at me like that and see what happens.”

“Is that supposed to encourage me to continue or threaten me to stop. Because I’m really excited to see what’s gonna happen if I continue.”

“Only one way to find out I guess.”

“It is my birthday today, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is,” she smiled, biting her lip in the way she knew made him go crazy. “Happy Birthday.”

“Guess, I’ll take my chances and continue,” he said, letting his eyes continue to gaze into hers with that playful glint.

“Oh, it’s on, Sarge,” she said as she let her lips crash into his with a laugh. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

His birthday was just beginning, but having her here, both taking their time to explore each other already made it the best birthday he’d ever had. 

----

Bucky Tag Club :) 

@camillechan @just-add-butter @buckyisthepuresthuman @carry-on-my-fandom @creideamhgradochas @sixweekcure4dreams @verycoolveryunique @dugan365 @jitterbuck @buckysmusculararm @headinthe-fridge @jamesbarnesappreciationsociety @hedwigthelegend @sappybarnes @coal000 @the-whitewolfie @natcad @winters-beauty @dixonsbugaboo @sawdustandsugar @silverbvcky  @whyugottabsorude @theoutlinez @killjoynotes @agentpegcxrter @demonspawn2468 @books-movies-eternal @buckysbeech @thefridgeismybestie @lionheo04 @pinkfairyfluff @imaginecrushes @cauraphernelia @angieptt @fridolf-arach @nerdgirljen @bucky-is-a-hero-fightme @consttantina @titty-teetee @bfuckjames @crowleysqueenofhell @sebtrashcan-stan @jaamesbbarnes @heartssick @losemymemory @redstarstan @dracris33 @fuckthatfeeling @tamed-chaos @bringmetoawonderland @mlehbleh @mawimey @delicatelyherdreams @buckyswinterchildren @jaysaku @stanclub  @your-pixels-are-showing  @thisismysecrethappyplace @who-the-heck-knows @polaroid-idiocity @plumsforbuckxx  @friendly-neighborhood-lich-queen @bambamwolf87 @ohhhotstan @whileinparis @sebbysstangirl @trashpandabarnes @buckybarneshairpullingkink @ohhhotstan @lokilvrr @freyjawalker @sebbybarrnes  @palaiasaurus64 @httpmcrvel  @piensa-bonito @until-theend-oftheline @awkwardfangirl2014   @mywinterwolf @all1e23 @teamcap4bucky @lokissoul @prettyyoungtragedy @suz-123 @buckyofthemyscira @kentuckybarnes @tropicalcap @moonbeambucky @hello-lucifer-here @sold-my-soul-in-2016 @ifyousayyouloveme 

[lovelytonys]

The Official Lovelytonys Guide to Iron Man Comics

Not to toot my own horn, but I’m about to save some lives. Buckle up.

Six months ago, I was asked for comic recs. I’m posting those recs today. Why so long? Because I couldn’t just make a rec list, no, I’m too extra for that. I had to go and make, to the best of my ability and knowledge, my own entire personal guide to Iron Man comics. I also have a tendency to start projects and not do them. But I did this one! And now I share it with you.

For your assistance, I’m going to link this Comic Book Herald article which is a full Iron Man reading order (LIFESAVER) and has links to amazon to buy the collections & arcs being talked about if you are so inclined.

You can find comics on amazon, ebay, the marvel website or Marvel Digital Comics Store (you can buy digital versions of comics), or just find a local comic shop and see what they have. You can easily find any comic you want free to read online, but the websites are a little shady. I’ll leave it to your discretion.

Disclaimer: Remember that these are all my personal opinions. Often, they will not line up with popular opinions. You might really like stuff that I didn’t care for. You might dislike my favorites. You might agree with my opinions. If any comic fans read this and are offended by any of my opinions, please don’t be!! Opinions on comics are SO subjective, just find out what you like and stick to it. I just figured I’d lend my own personal helping hand for you get started, because doing so can be intimidating.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, let’s begin under the cut! (If you are on mobile...I am so, so sorry about this)

Short version (the recommendation-y part)

Recs because I like them:

Iron Man Volume 3 (1998)- #1-25 (my actual absolute FAVORITE RUN of all time and my number one recommendation. It’s by Kurt Busiek, Roger Stern, and Sean Chen), #26-30, #62-63, #73-78. Iron Man Volume 4 (2005) #1-35.  Invincible Iron Man (2008) spanned many years so you should read at least some, and it has many fans, but I am not one of them, so I’m not gonna rec too much. Issues #1-6 and its epilogue, #7, are worth a read and the arc spanning #8-19 is probably the best from the era, I would say that I enjoyed that arc. Next is Brian Michael Bendis’ stuff, which has a pretty bad rep and while I don’t hate it as much as others do, I wouldn’t say I love it. It is, however, the most recent completed run & important stuff happens, and there’s some good stuff here and there, so yeah. I don’t really have any specific recs from here...just read the whole thing and see what you get out of it or scroll down to the guide section and see the highlights I picked out. Invincible Iron Man (2015) #1-25, and Invincible Iron Man (2016) #1-600 (they changed the numbering halfway through, it’s not 600 issues it’s only I think 19).

Recs because important stuff happens even if I don’t necessarily like them:

Civil War I (occurs during the Iron Man run starting in 2005), Civil War II (occurs during Brian Michael Bendis era), Iron Man (2012) #9-17 “The Secret Origin of Tony Stark.”

Long version (the guide-y part)

First off, I’m going to tell you that my suggested starting points are Invincible Iron Man (1998) which was my starting point, and Invincible Iron Man (2005). Much more on those below.

I haven’t read Mr. Stark’s classic adventures yet because there’s a daunting number of them and I still need to find a starting point, so we’re gonna start with...

Volume 3 (1998):

Okay I have SO MUCH to say here because I’d die for this volume!! It’s considered by many to be nothing special but there’s a lot to appreciate if you’re a fan of Tony in the way that many are here on tumblr- caring about character development & character moments first and foremost. I’ll break down my favorites for ya

#1- does a good job of setting the tone for Tony and this era of Invincible Iron Man. Some nice Tony character details are in there. Volume 3 is started with Kurt Busiek writing (later joined by Roger Stern) and Sean Chen on pencils. I LOVED this team, this is my FAVORITE run of Iron Man that I’ve read, PLEASE read all 25 issues. I thought Busiek understood Tony really well and I just loved the way Chen drew Tony (and everything else), and their first issue is surprisingly enjoyable for mostly existing to set the groundwork for a fresh start.

#4-5- I think this is where the run starts to kick into gear. Tony’s on-and-off girlfriend for the era, Rumiko, is introduced and she’s fun (but as the years went on, deserved much better writing). Tony kicks some butt & is a hero.

#6- an awesome Iron Man/Black Widow team up. It shows a really nice friendship between Tony & Nat. Also, Nat kicks butt & it’s great

I’m recommending every issue that builds Tony’s relationship with Carol Danvers (at this time, she was Warbird, not Captain Marvel). #7, #11-12, #18, #19, #21, and #23-25. Their storyline details Tony’s endeavors to help Carol overcome alcoholism. At least read the Carol parts of the issues she’s only in a few panels of. Major highlight of the Iron Man comics I’ve read. Also- knowing this background will definitely make Civil War II have more weight

#8-12- Tony gets the actual daylights beaten out of him and then some, leading into a compelling 2-issue Mandarin arc, this then leads into an interesting 2-issue team up with Warbird that gives us an answer as to why his injuries were so bad. It hurts but it’s good

#13- an actually really compelling single-issue story that involves some trippy, creepy mind control stuff and takes a look into Tony’s head- specifically questioning whether or not being Iron Man has become an addiction. You can’t tell yet but I’m trying my hardest to not recommend every single issue

#26-30- The Mask in the Iron Man arc. This is the first issue without Busiek writing- Joe Quesada steps in and it’s good stuff. It’s also Sean Chen’s last arc. It starts with Tony punching a guy in the face to protect Rumiko but getting punched back and having to wear a nose splint- it’s really cute. Then Tony and Ru run into relationship problems. Then the Iron Man armor becomes sentient, basically falls in love with Tony, and kidnaps him on a remote island. Wait-what? Yeah, it’s really weird in hindsight, but while you’re reading it, it sure does pull you in. One of the biggest standouts of the whole era and something of an instant classic. Also, the first few pages of #31 give you a little aftermath.

#37-40- this wasn’t my favorite arc but I’m recommending it just because of how wild it ends up being. These were the days when IIM wasn’t afraid to have a big imagination. And I mean big, like, who thought of this? Well, Frank Tieri is writing at this point (he’s okay, not my favorite of the volume), and Alitha Martinez & Paul Ryan are on pencils (it’s fine, but you’ll miss Sean Chen) (you’ll always miss Sean Chen). Also, a major player in this arc is Tiberius Stone so maybe read it to know who he is.

#50- “Tinman”. Issue 50 was meant to be a place for new readers to jump in. Mike Grell & Michael Ryan are at the reigns as writer and artist. Grell’s characterization was fairly solid, my favorite next to Busiek in this era. His version of Tony is more in touch with his emotions, I guess, than some like to characterize him. Sometimes he gets aggressive when he’s angry but there’s also a lot of really sweet moments and they portray him as doing a lot of good, like funding a rehab/safehouse for kids on the street. Grell’s stories are generally grittier and more violent but Tony himself doesn’t really take a dark turn. Issue #50 has both action and a VERY SOFT Tony, definitely recommend it

#53-55- “Book of the Ten Rings”. Again, it’s grittier than the stuff that came before it, but it’s good. Once the main story wraps up, something really important happens at the end. Also, it’s important to note here for people that weren’t previously into comics that at this point, Pepper and Happy are a thing, not Pepper and Tony as seen in the MCU

#59-61- “In Shining Armor”. Tony travels back to Medieval times and it’s not exactly a good time for him but it’s a wild time for us. Gotta love a good old fashioned time travel arc

#62-63- “You Can’t Always Get”. Oh god PLEASE read this one, if you only listen to one of my post-Busiek & Chen recs this is the one, the Tony content is so precious

#73-78- “The Best Defense”. The arc detailing Tony’s journey to becoming Secretary of Defense because yes, that happened. A very interesting concept to watch Tony go through and one of the most notable stories in this era.

Volume 4 (2005):

This is the last of what I consider the Really Good Stuff (except for Civil War, but we’ll get there). These comics defined Tony Stark as we know him today, and you’ll notice that MCU Tony was definitely influenced by them. If you’re starting here, it’ll be Iron Man as you basically already know it. If you’re coming here off of Volume 3, then you’ll notice the tone of not just the stories but of Tony himself get darker. For whatever reason, writers looked at Tony and said “let’s find ways to bring his morals into question bc that’s Interesting!” It’s not bad (the Iron Man title, that is- Civil War is bad) but it doesn’t really reflect what came before it, I guess. I’m recommending all 35 issues bc why not but I’ll break it down for ya & make sure to point out my favorites

#1-6- “Extremis”. A must read. One of the most iconic Iron Man stories in 21st century comic history. It’s on everyone’s list. You are, as an Iron Man fan looking to get into IM comics, legally obligated to read this. This would also be the arc where I believe the MCU looked for inspiration for Tony characterization. Also Extremis obviously ended up in the MCU but it’s like way different in the MCU than in the source material

#7-12- “Execute Program”- Basically, Tony is screwed up post-Extremis. Poor guy. Please read this. Directly leads to Civil War…

Civil War (2006) #1-7- Ugh. So. Civil War. In my personal opinion- not a fan. I actually like the movie MUCH better and imo the movie is the way this should have been written. Unfortunately, you’ve gotta read it because it’s an important event. You’ll see people calling it “Tony Stark characterization murder” and THAT’S VALID. Like. Tony suddenly became...a villain?? literally the worst?? under the poorly written guise of “just doing what I have to do” but the stuff that happens….it just can’t be explained with “doing what I have to do”. Honestly it reads like the writers just wanted to pit Tony against Steve and didn’t care about keeping him in character. Tony basically had to be turned into a villain to make the story work because In-Character Tony would not have fit their needs. It sucks and I don’t want to recommend it but you have to read it because it affects so much that comes after it.

THE ONLY CIVIL WAR ANYTHING YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER are tie ins and oneshots and I will tell you a couple

Invincible Iron Man #13-14- IIM’s CW tie ins. Issue 13 comes after CW #2, issue 14 after CW #5. Read these 

Captain America/Iron Man: Casualties of War- oneshot to be read after Civil War #4. Tony offers Steve the chance to try and talk it out. Both explain their positions and a lot of comic history between them is brought up.

Civil War: The Confession: SO after CW, SPOILER SPOILER poor Steve is assassinated in Captain America #25 (it’s actually more wild than that bc superheroes don’t just die but whatever) and this is a oneshot with two halves, the first takes place after Steve is dead and is Tony-centric and I LITERALLY CRIED and the second takes place when Steve is imprisoned before he is killed. PLEASE read this

There’s more tie ins involving Tony that you should read but I’m sick of talking abt CW

BACK TO THE IRON MAN SOLO TITLE

Sooooo the title now changes from Invincible Iron Man to Iron Man: Director of SHIELD but it’s the same book

#15-18- It’s Tony’s first story arc as Director and it ends up being kind of wild actually

#21-28- ‘Haunted’. Starts out as a sort of murder mystery thing, spirals into something much bigger. Also, poor Tony is so screwed up in the head but what’s new. Definitely read this one

#29-32- ‘With Iron Hands’. Basically, an entire arc of Tony feeling guilty about his past?? Pretty much. There’s also a terrorist and a giant weapon and more fun stuff. The last you’ll see of Tony for the volume bc stuff goes down in the Secret Invasion event and War Machine takes over for the last 3 issues of the title. Wish I could be of help in regards to Secret Invasion, but I haven’t actually read it because I haven’t been able to find it. Just, idk, google search the plot of Secret Invasion like I did and you should be able to get by

Invincible Iron Man (2008) AKA Other Volume 4:

Okay lots of comics fans think this is one of the best Iron Man runs in history and I respect their opinions and perhaps you will share them but I’m gonna cut to the chase here: I am not one of those people. Look, I read all 62 issues so I have a fair opinion, and I’m just not a huge fan. Matt Fraction is writing and Salvador Larroca is drawing. In my experience, the stories drag on and it gets to the point where you’re just bored. I think I read the 89 issues of volume 3 faster than I read the 62 issues of this because I was just so bored with it. Also, I’m really not a fan of Larroca’s work on the book. I really disliked the way he drew Tony and the more I looked at it, it almost made me...uncomfortable? Some of his art is kind of gross imo. Plus, I didn’t love Fraction’s Tony characterization. I can’t quite articulate why, it just didn’t sit nicely w me. There were some moments where I thought “oh yeah that’s Correct” but many other moments where I thought “No Why Did You Write That”. He was good at writing some wild and intricate stories but sometimes I felt that character got lost in the midst of the action. That’s just me though, you might really like Fraction’s run, and there is some stuff worth pointing out.

#1-6- ‘The Five Nightmares’. A fairly iconic modern Iron Man story. Tony’s worst nightmare comes true when the son of Obadiah Stane uses Stark tech to cause absolutely horrific acts of terrorism. It gets pretty serious, but it sets the groundwork for this entire era of Iron Man. As far as Fraction stories go for me, it’s one of the better ones.

#7- Five Nightmares Epilogue. A team-up of sorts with Spider-Man that I actually genuinely think you should read, especially for the ending (and because Peter & Tony clearly wish they could be buddies again in this post-Civil War world).

#8-19- Okay it’s really long but I remember it stood out to me, all I remember is that it’s basically Tony Stark Brain Annihilation over the course of 12 issues and it hurts like heecckkk. Actually I’m gonna say definitely read this one. Also Rescue happens and that’s A Thing you should know about. Stuff gets fixed in the next arc, #20-24, but it’s not worth recommending imo so don’t read this if you’re gonna read it but if you’re not just know that SPOILER SPOILER Tony is fine except he accidentally erased Civil War from his memory (god I wish I could do that). SPOILER OVER

I think I’m gonna end it there for Fraction issues of interest. There’s probably more in there I should be recommending but I just. Can’t be bothered to comb through Fraction’s volume sorryyyyy I’m just not a fan

Iron Man (2012):

So this run is by Kieron Gillen and I don’t really want to recommend anything from it. I didn’t love it as a whole. Gillen laid way too heavily into the idea of “Tony Stark is a walking ego”. The stories were kind of interesting in theory but I thought the execution was mediocre for some reason. Although, not necessarily the art but specifically the coloring was nice- very vibrant. The actual art was by Greg Land who comic fans really seem to hate. I didn’t think his work on this was too bad idk. Again I don’t really want to recommend anything so there’s only one thing I’m putting on here and it’s:

#9-17- “The Secret Origin of Tony Stark”. So here’s the thing. Kieron Gillen said to himself “I need to do something that turns Tony Stark’s identity on its head. I need to redefine him”. And he actually kind of succeeded in that. And it’s actually annoying and it actually feels like something that should be retconned…. but hasn’t been?? And since it hasn’t been, it’s going to be important going forward so you should probably know about it. You could also just google it.

Invincible Iron (2015) by Man-Brian Michael Bendis

Yes, the infamous BMB. So, what’s the truth about his run on Iron Man? Is the amount of hate warranted? Well…that’ll be for you to decide. Personally, I think it was generally...meh. Not necessarily terrible just. Meh. Many fanboys act like this run is the bane of their existence and I don’t think I dislike it to that extent at all. I mean, it gets boring after a while, but the good moments are really enjoyable and I think it’s worth reading. Bendis’ characterization was sometimes weird because it felt notably inconsistent. However, the moments when he nailed it, he really did nail it. His Tony is a bit of a dork, a bit of a hot mess, a little vulnerable, and the moments when that’s at the forefront are great. There’s also some notable stuff going on here- Civil War 2 falls under this era (I hate it less than the first one but Marvel could do 50 Civil War events and I will probably not like any of them), and so does Riri Williams (who I love, just to get that opinion over with). Finding recs for this era is kind of weird for me because the things that stood out were almost never actual issues or stories, but rather specific character moments, so like, the volume is only 14 issues so tbh you can just trudge through them all and savor the good moments, but I’ll try to pull some recs out for ya

#2, #3- just for some character moments. These two are a part of a larger arc so it might be a little confusing to read them on their own but who cares

#4, #5- Tony fights ninjas and visits kids at a hospital and MJ Watson & Doctor Strange make appearances so it’s kinda cool idk

#9-11- only because you meet Miss Riri Williams, the other parts won’t make sense since it’s in the middle of an arc but eh. Honestly the actual story didn’t strike me as being very special so like unless you’re into it you can just skim for the parts that Riri is in since she’ll be important later

Aaaand CIVIL WAR 2

Civil War II #0-8- okay I don’t dislike it as strongly as I dislike the first CW but I still?? Don’t like it?? Like at all? But something really important to Tony’s stories happens at the end and Tony is one of the main characters in the event so like. You should read it. The main problem I remember is that the pace felt so slow. This event is Iron Man vs Captain Marvel which kinda hurt me bc of how much I loved them from 1998’s volume but it’s fine!! They never address their past in the actual event but there’s a tie-in that does so that’s good I guess. Just get through it idk what to tell you

Back to Invincible Iron Man

#12, #13, #14- tie-ins to Civil War II. #12 and #13 I think come after CW2 #2?? Maybe?? And I think #14 comes after CW2 #6?? Anyway #14 actually acknowledges Tony & Carol’s past so you should give that a read while going through the event.

Invincible Iron Man (2016)

Sooo some Serious Stuff happened in Civil War II that’s going to have an effect that lasts a while. I don’t wanna spoil it, though. When you do get to the end of CW2, you can rest assured that Tony will still have a major presence as a character in this title, but Riri Williams takes the spotlight. Opinions on her are mixed, I personally love her. This, like its 2015 sister, can honestly just be read all the way through, it’s only 19 issues, but I’ll try to find stuff. Also, Tony & Riri’s banter is ALWAYS golden so just read to enjoy it tbh. On we go!

#1, #2- gives you the background on Riri now that she’s taking center stage. She’s just so darn endearing.

#11- It’s basically an issue about everyone reflecting on how Tony is a good person and different from how the public perceives him. He holds orphaned babies from around the world. It’s good stuff.

#593-600- the numbering changed, there’s obviously not actually 600 issues lol. So yes this is kind of long for an arc, but it’s important because it resolves what happened to Tony in Civil War 2. I remember getting bored with it after a few issues, like it wasn’t bad I just remember it feeling slow. Idk. It’s important. Just read it.

Stuff that I don’t think is worth your time:

Invincible Iron Man volume 2 (1996)- I think Marvel was doing some kind of reboot or something because Iron Man’s origin was redone as well as The Hulk’s. It’s amazing how a run that was only 13 issues felt like such a large waste of my time. I didn’t think there was anything of note. I basically don’t even remember what happened in it. Also the sexualization of women was so casual and constant on top of the run not being particularly remarkable so yeah don’t waste your time  

Superior Iron Man (2015)- I dislike the idea of this so much that I don’t even want to explain it ugh it’s a spin off of an event called Axis that involved some psychic type stuff that altered the personalities of those involved, boosting Tony’s worst qualities and making him evil. Marvel then decided to make a series about it and it’s only 9 issues but wow it’s amazing how hard it can be for me to get through 9 issues. I could barely read it I just so strongly dislike this idea ok so basically Evil Tony creates Extremis 3.0 which is an app that lets a person make themselves physically into the person they wish they were (In the pages of Axis, Tony personally made himself not an alcoholic because that’s not disrespecting an incredibly important character detail and there was one particularly awful panel of him drinking alcohol in front of a crowd of cheering people and saying “I missed you, sweetheart”). He is testing this app on San Francisco and effectively creates two classes of people- the “perfect” people who could access the app and the “imperfect” people who can’t and that goes about as well as you’d think. Then he makes it obscenely expensive to use which also goes about as well as you’d think. And more stuff happens. Here’s the thing. I’m sure many people thought the concept of a villainous Tony Stark was cool, but I just don’t like the implications of it. The way it’s written kind of gives the idea that, with his personality, Tony could easily become a villain. Given that some people already think of Tony Stark as a villain, reading it just made me cringe. And the WORST thing about it is that, while this is a result of Axis, it’s still Tony himself. According to the writers, he has “surrendered to his id and his legendary ego” (god I’m about to gag) after the mind-altering events of Axis brought those things out in him. Despite my qualms, was the book well-written? I will never be able to read it that objectively, so I can’t say. But clearly, as you can see by the size of this here rant (sorry), I dislike the very idea of it enough to put it on my “do not touch” list.

Okay. Wow. I finally did it. Wow. Six months and it’s done.

I am simply the mentor figure in your hero’s journey. As you get used to navigating comics and reading orders, you’ll find it easier to venture out, and there’s so many ways to go. A character crossed over into something you read and you liked them a lot? Look up their reading order. A writer or artist really impressed you? Do a google search and find what else they’ve worked on. There’s a whole world of comics out there. Go have some fun.

I leave you with 3 rules of being a comic fan:

1. No one hates comics more than comic book readers. We’re bitter because we care. You’ll be like a jaded war veteran who writes a thousand word rant about why a certain author’s mischaracterization of your fave offended you personally way faster than you’d think.

2. Follow the trail of what interests you and, while acknowledging what may be widely believed, proudly own your personal opinions.

3. It’s addictive. Embrace it. You start with one issue, and before you know it, you’ve read 200 issues and know 20 years of history on one character in less than a year. That might be how it goes for you. Just go with it.

Happy reading!

[aspiringhorrorauthor]

Hey who wants to hear the miserable story about how I had to deal with loneliness this year? Feel free to scroll on I just need to write it down to, I suppose close the chapter on the story? Read if your curious, or maybe also need guidance, or just want to learn some tips on how to help someone dealing with it. This will be poorly structured it’s just... getting it off my chest I guess.

People talk sometimes about university students often struggling with loneliness, and often going overlooked because they’re not seen as ‘vulnerable’ as other populations. I mean, look! They’re in a city! They go out every night and piss off the locals! They can’t be lonely!

It started back in 2018 (yup, that far back), when my friends decided that it would be better for my mental health if I didn’t live with them. No lie, that was the actual fucking reason. I was heartbroken; I’ve missed out on a lot of typical “growing up! Yay!” Type things because of my mental health, trauma and bullying and the fact that “living with friends” was gonna be added to the list was fucking heart breaking. But I dealt with it, because I had no where else to turn. No one else to move in with. I cried for like 2 hours solid after they so sweetly told me they didn’t want to live with me because I have *anxiety*. Not even one of the quote unquote “””scary””” mental illnesses (which would have been a MAJOR dick move), just plain old anxiety attacks and hiding from people to calm down. I proceeded to have break downs every Wednesday for 3 months while searching for somewhere to live, bc it was always a stabbing reminder that I was so unwanted.

(They planned to move in with 2 other people so it’s not even like they were only searching for a flat to fit *just* them)

I study 300 miles away from home, literally the exact opposite part of the country. Despite not having many friends growing up I was never lonely because I had a great family who would always chase it away. Maybe I was lonely a bit at school, but I could always come home and my parents chased it away. It was recurrent, but not constant.

I got a place for the new academic year. Studio flat, great location, tiny and over priced to Hell but I was in a safe area which was great because *no one was looking out for me anymore*. I didn’t have flat mates to check I was alive everyday, no one to chat to when I got home. If I got sick, I was completely on my own. My next door neighbour is lovely, don’t get me wrong, but she’s a working professional, and I’m a second year student. Everyone else in studio flats are mature students, masters, phD students or working people. And me. I have so little in common with these people it’s tough to start a conversation with them.

My birthday is early in the academic year, so we didn’t celebrate it until about a month after. Half of my friends didn’t even bother, no card, no presents. Okay, fine, I’m not materialistic, but acknowledgement would have been nice I suppose. This is the only time they came around my flat, and they are the cake I baked to celebrate.

But they inexplicably started to just stop interacting with me. There were 5 of us, they’d pair up in lectures and only talk between themselves between lectures and left me sat quietly trying to speak to someone, ANYONE, because hello? I haven’t got FLATMATES. I talk to NO ONE outside of this “friendship” group. They don’t seem to care much, they just keep telling me how wonderful it must be to live in a studio.

They invited me round to celebrate another friend’s birthday at their shared flat. He gets presents from everyone, including the two that left me out. Their flat looks lived in, there’s board games out while I don’t have room for any of them in mine. They’ve got bean bags everywhere it looks so damn nice. “But your kitchen is bigger than ours!” Eve tried to tell me (an absolute LIE), but they don’t roll out of bed and immediately land in the kitchen. They don’t have to chose between watching tv, eating or living the flat any time they want to dry clothes bc there’s no room. I want to cry throughout the visit, I storm off once were done. I don’t know why. I know now.

Loneliness feels like a weight on your chest. It’s a double edged sword where both edges only cut you. You desperately seek interaction but it also upsets you. I wanted to hang out at their flat because I hadn’t hung out with them in nearly a month at this point, but when I got there I realised they hung out together every. Single. Night. While I cried alone in my room. It made everything so much worse. And they laughed it off.

They stopped posting in the group chat, they talked to me even less. Never invited me out, but there’s no way I could prove *they* went out so it was pointless complaining about it. I was meant to go to a concert with one of them, I reminded her about tickets an entire month before, offered to buy hers. She cancelled 5 hours beforehand. I went alone.

It was a Toyah concert. I fought back sobs in the opening song “Good morning universe”, because it repeatedly asks “how are you today?”. I was awful. I finally had it figured out. I was lonely, isolated, and I didn’t know what to do.

Before anyone gets too sad, the story only continues for 2 weeks past this concert.

1st November, they joke about how Blake, friend number 4, practically lives at their flat, and I get angry. Why does HE get to live there? Blake has flatmates, Blake’s not alone! I should be practically living there because there’s NOTHING in my flat but silence. The internet is on the fritz and I’ve yet to figure out the tv, I don’t even have background noise except the kettle! I storm off, vow to never interact with them again.

I go out for drinks with my neighbour for her birthday. She buys me a pint of coke bc I don’t drink. I hate coke, but I drink it all and chat with her friends. It was a great night.

That weekend I bake pumpkin cake and bread for knitting society, and calm down. I overreacted a bit surely. One more chance, that’s all I’ll give them. The cake and bread doesn’t all get eaten at the society so I bring some for them on the Monday.

Tuesday night is bonfire night. I sit in my flat wishing I could go out and see them rather than just hear them, but I don’t know where to go. I have no one to go with.

Wednesday im sat in lectures beside them, and a friend not in the group but still a friend comes over to chat. One of them excitedly tells her about how they went to a display last night “look at these photos I got of (friend in group)!” I ask if they went out last night, the phone is quickly put away, they ignore me. I ask again. The friend outside of the group is confused and leaves before the lecture starts. I spend 3 hours with loneliness ripping out my lungs, because how could they? They could’ve dropped me a message to say they were going and I could meet up, but they didn’t even do that? Why?

After the lectures finished I corner one of them. The first of my friends at university. The first person on my course I befriended. “Did you go out last night?” “Yes” “without me?” Another runs up “it was last minute it wasn’t planned!” Laughs it off. So I rush off. I don’t say good bye. That was it.

I went home and cried. Told my parents what happened. Cried down the phone to them. “It’s time to cut ties with them”. I know it is. It’s still hard.

So yeah. Miserable story. But any sad story should have a happy ending, right?

Yes.

The next day I told someone what had happened. She immediately called it bullshit and invited me to join her friends. They’re really nice. I like them.

I left the old group chat. No explanation, just “I’m hanging out with X now. Laters” and I left. I wrote my frustrations and explanation in a shitty poem, called it shitty in the poem itself, but also said they didn’t deserve better. They didn’t deserve even that, so I didn’t send it. I think it was a very sexy decision of mine.

But most importantly, through the hardest points, most of my weekly socialisation every week came from the two societies im part of: my society (knitting) and the nerd society. 4 1/2 hours a week of socialising isn’t enough, surprisingly. But it got me through.

But more importantly are the people I met there. I don’t want to tell them what happened, I fear they’ll be upset that they didn’t help more, but they helped so damn much. So much more than could ever be expected from anyone. That final Wednesday, when I’d cried my heart out, 2 people texted me out of the blue and lifted my spirits so much I laughed that evening where I’d cried in the day. Stupid texts too. “Baby rabbits and kittens, cos you’re a vet right?” And “I only just got this message, I would have LOVED some pumpkin cake 🙁”. Poor lads probably weren’t expecting the wild conversations we had afterwards but friendships blossomed from it. Sorry new friend, hope you like the cheese scone recipe you definitely did NOT see coming that day.

The society meets on a Thursday, but it was to be a video watching thing more than a social thing. Loneliness was still tearing me up inside, I wanted to talk to someone damnit! But I went because I needed cheering up. I laughed so hard, I sang theme songs with others, and we all went to the pub afterwards. I’d never been before, I planned to leave at half 10 so I could shower and go to sleep in reasonable time for a 9am lab. I got chatting to the cake boy at 22:25. By the time we left the bar and he’d had his fill of chocolate rolls at my flat (I offered, he was hungry and Sainsbury’s was closed) and I was in bed, it was 00:40. Oops.

But I wasn’t lonely anymore.

Whats there to learn? I suppose don’t take advantage of your friends. If someone is living alone, check on them OFTEN. Make sure you don’t just pair up for conversations in lectures. Invite people round more.

And don’t under estimate the power of a text message. The lack of one ruined one friendship, one daft one about pumpkin cake built another.

(And I baked cookies for my new friends and we ate them in front of the old friends. Get rekt).

[superheroshippinq-archive]

💗 + Brainy!! —Nic

YES i neglect my alien husbando so lets GET this bread 

@me-myself-and-my-fos !! THANK YOU !!  💕

Who fell for the other first?

-brainy fell for me first. he was pretty enamored by me at first. it was a little odd though, because around the time i fell for him hard enough he ended up being with nia for a while. we ended up together in the end of course and nia supports us lots !! but i think i should have made a move sooner haha.

Who said "I love you" first?

-brainy did !! and when he did, i was pretty emotional, because brainy takes being in love very seriously and of course his confession was super heartfelt and meaningful, whether he meant it to be or not. he didn’t fully understand what love was, but he knew he wanted to be with me and that i was special to him, and thats all that really mattered to him. 

Who is more affectionate in public/private?

-brainy is just ... not affectionate like that. not in public, at least. he has a hard time showing affection in general, which i fully understand because of his experiences, so im def not upset abt it !! im usually the affectionate one both in public and in private!!! and he doesn’t mind, i’ll hug him randomly and hold onto him while he does his work and he lets me haha. brainy shows his affection in non-physical ways and hes always a big nerd about it, he’s trying his best and i love him so much for it !!!

Who initiates cuddle sessions?

-me for sure!! almost always !! EXCEPT at bedtime. brainy just ... refuses to sleep unless hes snuggling me in some way or im holding him. he gets cuddly when hes sleepy and i lowkey look forward to it every night, not gonna lie ?? he is baby ... my baby.

How do we cheer each other up?

-brainy rarely gets upset, to be honest. sometimes he can get agitated or frustrated, but it tends to resolve itself before i even get the chance to try and cheer him up. that being said, when he does get upset, he gets REALLY upset. i will usually sit with him for a very long time and let him vent to me. I often have to explain to him that its okay to feel upset and to let yourself have a good cry every once in a while -- after what lena told him, he really likes to bottle his feelings. I also know that for whatever reason, coffee really helps him calm down, so i’ll bring him a coffee before i go to sit with him. :)

-when it comes to brainy cheering me up, he’s usually the ‘motivational speech’ kind of guy. he’s pretty good at it, because it always comes from the heart from some way. and he’s very reassuring on whatever i’m feeling upset about. if its something out of my hands, then he will try his hardest to solve it himself if he knows it will make me feel better. sometimes he carries my baggage and i feel guilty about it but at the same time i love him so much for it. 

Who is more likely to plan a surprise date for the other?

-brainy, definitely. not even just surprise dates, but surprises in general. like i mentioned before, brainy is very different when it comes to how he shows affection. if he notices i like something, he will make sure that i get that something almost everyday until im sick of it haha. unless its coffee -- in which i could never get sick of it. he also knows that i rarely eat breakfast or lunch for whatever reason so he’ll surprise me with food and we’ll take our lunch break together. 

Who suggests the more creative date ideas?

-neither of us. we’re both squares who find way too much joy in simple dates like coffee runs and movie nights. SO SUE US. 

Who steals the other's clothes?

-brainy has these sweaters and coats he hardly wears so they’re basically mine now except they absolutely do not fit me. but he’s always wearing his legion suit or DEO uniform and when he’s not he’s wearing dress shirts and whatnot, SO THE SWEATERS ARE MINE.

Who is more likely to leave cute little sticky notes for the other to find?

-Brainy, always. he’s always leaving me little reminders about stuff. dont forget to do this, remember we have this today, if you want this then let me know, etc. etc. i literally would not function without him !! also, he always puts a smiley face next to his name and for whatever reason ??? it absolutely melts my heart.

What our favourite thing to do during the summer is?

-brainy is not huge on stuff like swimming/going to the beach. HOWEVER. camping. me and brainy LOVE to go camping together, and sometimes we’ll invite our close friends like kara, alex, nia, mon-el, etc. and make a big trip out of it. its hard to find time with national city always being vulnerable to attack, but when we do its SO FUN. i’ll never forget the first time brainy tried a s’more.  👀

What our favourite thing to do during the winter?

-okay so something i didn’t know is that brainy is apparently not bad at ice skating. either that or he’s been practicing because i absolutely CANNOT ice skate and he always has to hold me up and guide me. which makes sense, because i can’t rollerskate either. but hes a natural and he’ll hold my hand while we do and its always so fun just getting to do that with him. until i slip, at least. ;)

[light-up-shawn]

flourish. - peter parker

part four!

genre: i still don't know

warnings: none

pairing(s): peter p x reader eventually

words: 2793

parts: one , two , three

A/N: Maaaaan there’s still no fluffy reader x peter and IM SORRY i promise that will make an appearance in the next chapter though. I feel so bad that I’ve been leaving it out though sksksk. Anyway, I have part of the next chapter written but I dunno how to finish it so if you’re a great writer hmu ! As always if you have any suggestions, questions, predictions, or feedback please leave it in my ask. Thank you for giving this a chance, ily all.

It was two months into the school year. You, Peter, MJ, and Peter were sitting in a McDonald's arguing about stupid things and somehow spider-man came up.

"Yeah, I know Spider-Man is a guy in a suit but like wouldn't it just be cooler if it was a Spider-Man was a spider in a human suit."

"No! No! Y/N that's the stupidest thing you've ever said and you say a lot of stupid shit." MJ said.

"You don't even like spiders, Y/N. What makes you think that's a good idea?" Peter asked.

"Okay, alright, get off my back."

Peter's hair on his arms stood up like he suddenly got cold. The boy scrambled out of the store with his backpack, stumbling over his words while trying to come up with a viable excuse.

"What's up with your friend, Ned?" You asked.

Peter had been scrambling out of places like just now often these days. He quit most of his clubs saying he had no time for them anymore but nothing's really changed. Although, he did pick up this internship with Tony Stark. You considered that may be why your friend was running around everywhere but then you realized Stark wouldn't be making him work until late hours in the night when you all were supposed to go to a movie together. It didn't make sense and both you and MJ had your suspicions. Especially since Ned was always covering for him. Something was fishy.

"Nothing is up, just Stark overworking the poor kid."

"You say that like every time. If you're gonna lie at least make it believable." MJ said, gathering her things and getting up to go.

You gave Ned a sorry smile. If there was one thing MJ disliked, it was being lied to.

You followed behind her, saying your goodbyes as you left the fast food restaurant.

"I can't believe they continue to lie to our faces. As if we haven't proved that we're trustworthy enough."

Times like these would make you feel guilty. It feels like she was speaking about you. Technically, you were lying to her and it made you feel really bad. There wasn't really anything you could do about it though.

"Yeah. Maybe it's something they aren't allowed to talk about though."

"This isn't the time for your positivity, Y/N. Our friends are keeping something from us and it's killing me, bro."

"MJ, it's none of our business. We should just drop it."

"You've been acting weird too, Y/N. It kind of sucks that even you won't tell me. We're like best friends. I tell you everything the least you can do is return the favor." She said to you before walking off in the direction of her house.

You sighed. MJ was fine with people not telling her things, she was usually able to figure it out on her own. This time around though, she couldn't figure out was going on and you can tell she was frustrated.

You walked home with a frown and your mom noticed as soon as you walked through the door.

"Hi, my love. Why the long face?" She asked pulling you into a hug.

"I wanna tell MJ."

Your mom released you from your embrace and sighed.

"I don't know much about this whole superpower thing but I do know that I trust you and I trust MJ. If you want to tell people, I really can't stop you but please understand that you have to trust the people you tell. You can't just go around telling everyone you can make water move."

"I don't plan on telling everyone. I plan on telling MJ. I know about the whole great power comes great responsibility thing, I never plan on telling anyone outside of my circle but I don't plan on telling everyone now."

"Okay, sweetheart. You're a smart girl. I know you'll make good decisions." Your mom kissed your forehead and went back to the kitchen to finish making dinner. + The next day, MJ was distant. You two walked around with each other, as you normally would, but you knew she was still upset. During last period, you texted her to meet you outside of Midtown.

Today, you would be telling MJ about your weird abilities and hopefully she won't laugh in your face or distance herself in fear.

The last bell rang and you scrambled out of the classroom. When you got outside, MJ was already standing there.

"Hey, MJ."

"Hi."

"You probably already knew but there is something I've been keeping from you."

"Y'know what, Y/N? You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. I realize that if there's something you haven't told me there's reason for it and I'm in no place to pry."  

"No, it's okay. I want to tell you."

She nodded.

"Lets go to my place, no one should be home."

You and MJ hopped on the bus for five stops and walked the two blocks to your apartment building. It was empty as you suspected.

MJ sat on the couch and you did the same.

"Do you remember when we first hung out and we played 21 questions?"

"Yeah." she said with a smile.

"I told you my dad left but I never really told you why."

Her eyes softened, like she knew what was gonna happen.

"So basically, this thing was injected into one of my great grandfathers. Whatever it became a dominant gene on my dad's side. Everyone from that side of the family was born with some sort of special ability. But my dad wasn't. My mom told me was insecure about it and it made him feel insignificant. I can understand that. He was different from everyone else. But then I was born. I guess my dad had the gene because I too have special abilities."

MJ's jaw dropped.

"Uh he left, my dad, he left because i guess he felt threatened by me, a baby."

"Y/N, this is big."

"Yeah and I totally get it. If you need time to process or anything, I understand."

"What can you do?"

"I can uh, I can manipulate Water, Air, Fire, and the Earth I guess."

"Are you shitting me right now?"

You lept off the couch and headed straight for your kitchen. You poured out a glass of water and set it on the table.

MJ stood behind you as you put your hand into a claw position. You raised your hands and the water lifted out of the cup.

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah, that's something I can do. There's more though. Like, a lot more. I don't really understand anything yet but yeah."

"Y/N, I am so sorry for making you feel guilty about telling me this. If I had known it was something of this extent, I wouldn't have said anything."

"It's okay. It's in your nature to wanna know everything."

MJ pulled you into the tightest hug she's ever given you. A wave of relief overcame your body.

"I swear on my life that I will keep this secret until I die, Y/N." MJ said.

"Thank you. You don't know how much it means to me that you're still here for me."

"I'll always be here for you. Always."

She released you from your hug.

"But this still doesn't explain why Peter has been acting so weird." you said.

"Fuck, Y/N!" MJ said, a look of realization coming over her face.

"What? Did I do something?"

"Yes, you did! Peter has an internship with Tony Stark right?"

You nodded.

"What is Tony Stark?"

"A billionaire, genius, and playboy?"

"He's also Iron Man!"

"Uh huh."

"When Peter started his internship crime rates went down because of Spider-man. Before the suit he has now, the one we're all familiar with, Spider-man had this really weird homemade looking suit. Around the time Peter started his internship, Spidey got a new suit."

You were finally catching on to what MJ was trying to say.

"And Spider-man is always fighting crime around the time Peter randomly leaves!" you added.

"Exactly! What if our good friend, Peter, quit all the clubs he was in so he'd have more time to be spider-man and save our city?" MJ asked.

"MJ, you genius!"

"I do try."

The two of you laugh.

"I mean, I had my suspicions before but this just takes the cake!" she said.

"So what are we gonna do with this information?" you asked.

"I kind of wanna mess with the kid. Do some harmless teasing, y'know?"

you nodded.

+

"Anyway, did you guys see what happened yesterday on the news? Spider-man stopped a jewelry store robbery." You asked.

You and MJ had decided to tease Peter by buying at least a weeks worth of Spider-man merch. You two thought it would make him uncomfortable but it was obvious enough for him to catch on eventually.

"Yeah, I heard the place was left in shambles though." MJ said.

"I'm sure that was the fault of the criminals and not spider-man." Peter interjected.

"yeah, i can imagine."

"I wonder who's behind the mask." MJ said.

"I bet whoever it is, is hot." You added.

Peter’s cheeks flushed red.

"Like, they probably have rock hard abs and pretty eyes." you continued.

Ned snickered and Peter kicked him.

"Sad you'll never know what he looks like." Ned said earning another kick from Peter.

"Yeah. Anyway! Ned and Peter, how was your night yesterday?"

"Oh, um, my...my night was f-fine. I did my chem homework and st-stuff."

"I thought you finished your chem homework in class."

"Yeah, Peter. What were you really doing  last night?"

"Who cares what Peter was doing last night? I watched three fast and furious movies before passing out! That's way more interesting than anything Peter could've been doing because he's boring, y'know?"

You and MJ tried your hardest to hold back giggles.

Peter's demeanor changed. You looked to where he was looking and saw that Flash had walked up to the two of you.

"Hey, I came over here to invite Y/N and MJ to my party tonight but i guess Ned and Penis can come too."

"Oh thank you, Flash but-"

"Great! Wear something sexy." he winked at you and left.

"Gross!" MJ blurted.

"Uh you okay, Y/N?" Ned asked.

"I'm fine. Is Peter okay?" You asked.

The three of you turned to him to see his hands balled up into fists.

"Dude, It's okay. We aren't gonna go to his party." MJ said.

"I'm fine." he told us.

We went back to eating our lunch, not necessarily knowing how to lighten the mood. + The next day you walked into the cafeteria sporting a Spider-man hoodie. You were halfway to the table when someone's wrist grabbed yours.

"Didn't catch you at the party last night."

"That's because i didn't go."

your hands started to heat up.

"Aw, why babe? You know we would've had a good time."

"Flash, let go of me now or I will punch you in the face."

"Ooh, she's feisty." Flash let go and you ran off to the table with your friends.

"Y/N, are you okay?" Peter was the first to ask.

"Just. Peachy."

your hands absentmindedly formed the claw position that enabled your powers. the pipes of water fountain shook and exploded. all over flash. after you realized what you'd done your eyes widened in shock.

MJ looked at you with the same look you had on your face.

"was that you?" she whispered.

you nodded slow. Janitors we're rushing to the fountain attempting to stop the burst of water.

Ned was trying his hardest to hold back a laugh and Peter was staring at you and Michelle with a look of confusion on his face.

The bell rang and Peter grabbed your hand. He pulled back because they were still heated and you ran off with MJ.

You two decided to sit in the back of the class. You would be able to talk about the previous events without any interruption.

"Why'd you do that? Aren't you supposed to be hiding your powers?"

"Yeah, I am but I didn't do that on purpose. It kind of just happened."

"That can't happen again. Peter and Ned are smart, they'll figure it out that something is weird."

"I think Peter already thinks something is weird. He had this look on his face after it happened, like he was trying to figure it out. He tried to stop me on my way out but I ran away before he could."

"Yeah, I saw that. He pulled back."

"When I get upset my hands get really hot. It used to be a big problem when I was younger but it hasn't happened in like forever."

"Jesus, Y/N."

Your phone buzzed with a text from Peter. You showed MJ the text and a wave of worry overcame her.

"I was planning on telling the boys. Just not now, not yet."

She gave you a small smile.

"It's okay, Y/N. Remember I always got your back."

After a long three hours, the two of you made your way to the Mcdonald's and saw that both Peter And Ned were sitting in a booth.

"I took the liberty of buying you two a burger but in return, we ask that you tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth."

The both of you nodded.

"You have to pinky promise." Peter said.

MJ rolled her eyes.

You wrapped your finger around Peters and MJ did the same.

"I think you guys know something about me that you shouldn't and I think I know something about Y/N that I shouldn't."

"Oh what do we know about you?"

"You can drop the act. We caught you red-handed and we're taking you in." Ned said. You assumed they were doing a good cop/bad cop thing.

"shut up, Ned." Peter whispered.

"You know that I'm...you know..."

"No, Peter. I don't think we know. Maybe you should say it."

"MJ can you stop being difficult for one second!" Peter yelled.

It caught the two of you off guard. He was serious and we were making a joke out of it.

"Yeah, Peter. We do know that you're Spider-Man." You admitted.

"I TOLD YOU!" Ned yelled.

"And even if we didn't, we definitely know now." MJ added.

"What do you know about me, Peter?" You asked half-hoping he didn't know.

"Whatever happened at lunch today was your fault."

"There's no way you could possibly back that up. Y/N wasn't even close enough to the water fountain to-"

"That's why I know she has powers. The way she looked after it happened. She looked...she looked scared." he explained.

"And MJ was in on it too. She always is." Ned added.

She rolled her eyes at Ned's comment.

"Why are we here boys? Why did you need to know whether we knew about your secret identity or not? Why did you need to know if Y/N has powers or not? which by the way isn't confirmed." MJ inquired.

"Listen, I'm not supposed to be telling you this but Mr. Stark is dealing with this duo of villains. One of them has a pyro suit and we don't know how to catch the other one. We don't even know who the other is or what he can do." Peter said.

"What are they going after?" MJ asked

"Huh?"

"Every villain has a motive. What do these guys want?" She added.

"Oh, I never really asked." he answered.

"Clearly, you guys need to lure them out with whatever they're looking for and then that's when you catch them." MJ advised.

"Oh. I guess that makes sense. I'll be sure to suggest that to Mr. Tony when we go upstate this weekend."

"Who is we?" You asked.

"You and I?" He replied.

"What makes you think my mom will just let me go on a spontaneous trip upstate? My mom doesn't even like Stark."

"What? How can anyone not like Stark?" He asked.

"With all the shit the Avengers have done, I promise you it's very possible, Pete." MJ said

"I'll tell my mom about this Stark internship thing and we'll see what she says, if not then i guess you guys will have to find another hero or something." You said.

"We need you." Peter said.

"Really? You haven't even asked her what she can do. How could you possibly know she'd be of use?" MJ asked.

"She's got a point, dude." Ned whispered.

"What can you do, Y/N?"

"Manipulate Air, Water, Earth, and Fire."

"Woah so you're like Aang from the last air bender!" Ned exclaimed.

"That's so sick!" Peter added.

"But anyway, we definitely can use you. Put water versus fire and water wins."

"Okay, I'll help. Well, I'll try."

"Yes!"

taglist : @chims-kookies

[4lexturn3rs]

𝒮𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓃 - 𝑅𝑒𝓂𝒾𝓃𝒹 𝒴𝑜𝓊𝓇𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻 𝒴𝑜𝓊'𝓇𝑒 𝒯𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒

Alex's P.O.V

I had all the symptoms; I was speaking in rhyme; I was crying candy hearts, and my teeth ached from the sweetness of her kiss. There was no denying it. I was lovesick. I can't sleep at night and when I try, she's all I dream about. She fills every space in my brain and I'm sure the boys are getting tired of my constant rambling, but I can't help it.

I always think of something to say but all that comes out is "did I tell you about how Maude..." She probably....not probably definitely didn't talk about me like I talked about her, I know that despite the way she looked at me, she still thought I was just gonna use her, probably for song purposes or summat like that. I'm not gonna lie, she was helping the writer's block I'd been having, but it wasn't like that at all, I knew I had done it in the past because those numbers the entirety of Britain can't get over... well they meant nothing to me. 505. It wasn't anything significant to me. They were numbers. 521. Now those numbers, those meant everything to me. They were what consumed my dreams...and my nightmares.

I hated her being there, in my nightmares I mean, she was always telling me how much she hated me and how she wished she never met me. The thing that scared me most is that it had happened with other girls...many other girls.

I'm such an arse when I'm drunk so when she told me I passed out a wave of relief passed through my body, I knew that if she had not wanted to kiss me when I was pissed that night, I probably would have said something to shatter her heart into a million pieces, and that's what's scared me most about this girl, she was already hurt, deepening that cut would send her right over the edge...and I knew I could.

Mallory's P.O.V

"Maude, get up we're going to the store!" I screamed from my room down the hall "WE?! WHO THE FUCK IS WE? IM NOT LEAVING MY ROOM TODAY" she shouted back "yes you are, and you're going to take those cups out of here because we only have two in the cupboard" I replied softly opening her door to find her hanging off the edge of her bed doing a crossword "how do you spell conundrum" she looked at me upside down " N-E-R-D that's how" I grinned back at her "whatever I'll be over here broadening my vocabulary, you can stick with your lol's and your omg's" she shot at me with a smile that looked a frown due to the angle of her head "I will thank you very much" I remarked at her as she shot up and the colour came back to her face.

If it weren't for Maude, I would probably be a woman of the night. Shagging random blokes for a few bucks doesn't sound too bad to me. Maude and I met in year 10 (freshman year) I had already lost my virginity by then, granted I shouldn't have, but I did and it wasn't like I could go back. I was the stupid one in the group. Maude was 21, a host on Popworld (and basically anything Channel 4) and still did part-time uni.

I'm not sure how she managed to do it all she was the hardest worker I'd ever met. All while I was 22, I had only done a few modelling gigs, but I had a ton of followers on my space so that's all I had, really. Of course, being internet famous had its perks, like meeting Matt.

Right, Matt, lets talk about that instead. Matt is the world to me, the whole world without him I would still be with Charlie Cheater, that's the name Maude and I came up with, this guy Charlie would fight with me and then kiss slags right in front of my face while he gave me side-eye, because he knew the power he had over me, he knew I wouldn't leave, but I did thanks to Matt. I met Matt, and we became amazing friends Matt told me that I shouldn't let him do this to me and all that soppy stuff, but I knew Matt was right, so I did, I left him, and I'm glad I did.

"Right then, are we leaving or what?" I heard a grainy voice come from behind me "I knew you would come" I smiled back at her. "Don't ever assume anything about me, I'll break your heart Mallory?" she said, taking the piss, something she did quite often but didn't bother me cause I was the same way.

"What are you getting out of this, I know there's something" I tilted my head in a demeaning way that I knew she hated "1) stop looking at me like I'm a shelter dog 2) I know you like to shop in Sheffield, so I texted Al-" "Al? You're calling him Al now?! Just the other day you couldn't stand him now you can't even be arsed to say his full name?!" I interrupted causing her to purse her lips at me and cock her eyebrows at my remarks "look, I don't suspect it'll go too far but it's worth a try, aren't you happy for me?"

Something in her face changed when she asked me. She was letting her guard down to me after five fucking years she was letting me in. Thank you, Alex Turner! "Of course I am Maude why wouldn't I be, I just don't want you to get hurt and honestly I don't think Alex or Al as he is to you, would hurt you alright, so don't go into this with all your walls up but don't let it all down either, I love you and I don't wanna see you hurt," I said softly "whatever mom" she snapped back, there was my Maude, but I couldn't let her brush what I said off so I grabbed her wrist as we walked out the door "babes, I'm not joking," I said sternly "I know Mal I'm sorry, but when have I ever been the type to let all my emotions spill out" she gave that demeaning look that I had given earlier "yeah, yeah, I'll back off," I said throwing my hands in the air "off we go then?" She smiled at me "off we go!" I said, doing her job and taking the piss.

[occeye]

I'M SO SORRY I HAVEN'T SHOWN UP IN A LONG WHILE ;-; studying for a national exam is quite hard and takes up a good chunk of my time along with school ;-; anyways i hope you're sleeping better these days (weird how that statement has become our 'hello' skjsks)

one thing that i remember from the last ask was you making that amazing playlist for me!! one of your recs 'blind' by 12dal has been on repeat since forever <333 thank you so much for that ;-; the playlist is cute and relaxing, very much like yourself skdjjd

also i enjoy talking to you very much as well!! i'm sorry i don't show up very often, and because of that,, i've decided to come at least once everyday from now on to make up for my absence skdhd (hopefully that's ok?)

i'm in need for some soft and calming songs lately, something that can be played in a studio ghibli film?? can i ask you to make a playlist for that? it's alright if you can't!!

the mission for this week was 'game night' and this is probably the hardest one because i'm horrible at games ;-; i blame the fact that my siblings never let me play as a child cause that's the easier way out :DDDD do you like playing any games?? pls help a nobody out ;-;

how did you like today's caratland, if you could watch it?? dk's hair is so pretty!! (it took me quite some time to realise it's probably that colour because he's gonna be playing arthur soon) and i loved him with his shorts in oh my!!!

i've rambled far too much already, i hope you're well!! see you tomorrow <3

~🥕

don't apologize for putting your studies first! you gotta do what you gotta do! just make sure youre taking breaks in between so you dont over exert yourself!

i didnt know about 12dal until i stumbled upon a cover of theirs of a song from frozen! i didn't even know they had their own songs til i found it on spotify! as for soft and calm songs, i'll try my best. here's what i came up with

starstarstar - dosii

see you - amin, dept

irene - jimmy brown

are you there - i'll

restless - bibi

lovememore. - dosii

you already have - kwon jinah

its mostly all krnb but its ok bc theyre bops! on the topic games, i love playing uno, i still do to this day! im actually very skilled at mancala and its hard to find people who actually understand and know how to play. tbh i play more pc games recently like valorant, along with genshin and fortnite! i also love stardew valley, its a very chill farm simulator, perfect to calm down to.

I LOVED CARATLAND OMG I SOBBED? SO MANY TIMES? THEY PERFORMED HEAVEN'S CLOUD OHMAHGAH. his ginger beige hair is so cute and suits him so well, and his tan skin!!! i literally fell in love with them all over again :c did you see the unit reverse for chocolate and cHECK IN OH MYGOD.

i miss you anonnie, please make sure to take care of yourself though! mwah!

[destielling]

omg so it’s literally been way too long, and i have no idea if anyone even cares about my blind!dean au anymore but here’s part four anyway. as always, im writing this because my best friend in the world draws the best blind!dean comics, let me know how u like it!!

part three

The Roadhouse was nice. It was small, only ten tables, which were made of wood along with the chairs. There was a bar which took up about half of the establishment, and Castiel found himself wondering if Dean came here for the burgers or the beer. Maybe both.

Currently they were sitting at one of the tables, pressed up against the back corner of the building. Dean was thrumming his fingers again, a small smile on his face. Castiel was still sweating.

“Well if it isn’t Dean Winchester,” said a voice, and Castiel turned to see a pretty, middle aged woman looking right at them. Or right at Castiel.

“Hey, Ellen,” Dean said, his fingers stilling, as he looked up to the direction of her voice and smiled, all teeth. “It’s pretty slow in here, today.”

Castiel looked around and noticed that it was slow. There was only one other table being used by an elderly man. He seemed to be  examining the burger in front of him, like he was figuring out how to go about attacking it.

“Yeah well, I know you can’t see clocks but it’s not quite dinner time. Lucky for you, you beat the rush.” The woman, Ellen, said, and Castiel noticed that she was still looking at him. Examining him like the elderly man had been to his burger. Castiel gave a shy smile, and glanced away.

“Oh please, it doesn’t matter what time it is. Anytime is burger time, that’s what they say.” Dean said, and looked at Castiel now. Castiel found himself trying his hardest not to go beet red. Again.

“Who says that, now?” Ellen said, and now she was smiling, and Castiel must really be imagining the awkwardness of this situation.

“You know, them.” Dean said pointedly, like everyone should know who they are. “Well, mostly me. I say that. But I’m sure there are other people who’ve said it before.”

Ellen shifted, cocking a hip out as she brought her notepad out of her pocket. Right. They were here to order food.

“I don’t think I can hear anymore of your- whatever that was- so,” Ellen said, raising her eyebrows. “I’m sure I know what you want, but, what’ll your friend here, have.” And then she was staring at Castiel again, and he hadn’t even had a chance to look through the menu, with all this conversation going on, so he just said the first thing that came to his head.

“I’ll, um, have whatever he’s having.” Castiel said, pointing to Dean. As if it wasn’t obvious who he was talking about. Ellen narrowed her eyes a bit, and then nodded.

“Cute.” She said, turning to Dean again. “Where’d you find this one, Dean?” and then it was Dean’s turn to flush red, which Castiel would have thought was endearing, if it wasn’t for the comment that had brought it on. This one.

“Uh,” Dean mumbled, and Castiel was desperately wondering how many dates he had brought here. “He works at the coffee place I always go to.”

Ellen’s eyebrows raised again, like she’d heard about the coffee shop before.

“Uh huh.” she said, and Castiel really wished she would go away now, because Castiel couldn’t take any more embarrassment.

“Castiel, meet Ellen. Ellen, Castiel.” Dean said, and Castiel thought maybe he should have done the introductions at the beginning of this whole conversation. Instead of voicing these opinions, he just gave a small wave. Ellen didn’t wave back.

“I’ll be right out with your order.” She said, and then she gave Castiel one final look, turned and disappeared into the back.

Castiel didn’t know what to say. Castiel had too much to say, and for the first time Dean was utterly silent. There was no thrumming of fingers, or quirky jokes. Unlike the comfortable silence before, this silence was awkward and intense.

“So,” Castiel said, because it had been at least two minutes too long and someone had to say something. “Ellen. She’s interesting.” and Dean looked up, and his face was still so handsome, despite the frown that overtook it.

“Yeah,” he grumbled. “She always gets into my business. I’m sorry about that.”

“I’m assuming you come here often,” Castiel said, motioning vaguely to the diner, to no one in particular. “With a lot of other people, it seems.” and he couldn’t help but mention that. The fact was right out in the open, and if he didn’t say something he was gonna choke on it.

“Not that many.” Dean said shyly, and that was a good look on him. Castiel tried his hardest to keep himself from smiling.

“Really?” Castiel asked, and he wasn’t that upset anymore. Dean had to have dated people in the past. Really, Castiel doesn’t have the right to be mad at him about it. Maybe he was allowed to be jealous, though.

“Well,” Dean said, and Castiel could see a smirk forming on his face. “Maybe a few.” and okay, Castiel was definitely jealous, but Dean didn’t have to know that.

Castiel hummed and leaned back in his chair. He wondered if Ellen was disapproving of all the dates Dean had brought in, or if it was just him.

“Does she usually scare your dates away, or is that just me?” he asked, and Dean chuckled, shaking his head. Castiel smiled.

“Well, she’s kind of like my mom.” Dean said. “She just wants to make sure you’re good enough for me.” Castiel raised his eyebrows at that.

“Am I?” he said, because he was curious what Dean thought about it. He was curious about what Dean thought about most things.

“I think it might be the other way around there, Cas.” Castiel’s heart rate spiked at that, and he found himself really needing to change the conversation.

“So, you’ve known her a long time then?” Castiel said, his voice raising an octave or two, and Dean obviously knew what he was doing because he just turned his head downwards, and smiled again.

“Yeah. She’s been in my life since I can remember, really.” Dean said and when Castiel remained silent, he continued. “She was a close friend of my mom’s- dad too- but ever since my mom passed away she kind of, filled the role.” And Castiel wasn’t expecting that.

“I’m sorry.” He said, not really knowing what he was apologising for. Dean nodded, and Castiel wanted to ask more questions, wanted to know more about Dean’s upbringing, but from their previous conversations he feared that it would push Dean away.

“It’s okay, I mean, obviously it sucks but,” Dean took a breath, and Castiel knew this wasn’t something he liked to talk about. “It was a long time ago. I don’t remember her that well.”

“What was her name?” Castiel asked, voice soft. It was a safe question, he thought.

“Mary.” Dean replied, smiling. “It was worse for my brother though. He was a baby, so everything he knows is from stories.”

“You have a brother?” Another safe question.

“Yeah. Sam. Sammy, but if anyone else calls him that he gets pissed.” and then Dean’s laughing and Castiel didn’t know how he could fall in love with a sound so quickly. “Tall, lanky bastard. I don’t know how we have the same genes.”

“I’m sure he’s great.” Castiel said, and he didn’t think he’s smiled this much in a long time.

“Yeah, it’s kind of annoying actually. The smartest kid I’ve ever met, heart of gold. But don’t tell him I told you that, if you do, I’ll deny it.” And Castiel thought this would be a moment where Dean would wink if he didn’t have glasses guarding his eyes.

“I won’t say a word. Cross my heart.” And he found himself motioning the gesture against his chest.

“Hope to die.” Dean continued. “Though, I have to eat this burger before that happens. It would be a shame if I didn’t get to enjoy my last meal.” And if on cue, Castiel heard a bang from the back door opening, and Ellen emerged with two plates in either hand. Two enormous plates. Deam’s head turned to the sound, and his face seemed to light up. Note, Dean really liked burgers.

“Here we are,” Ellen said, placing the plates down in front of them. “One regular, and one I’ll have what he’s having.” Castiel chuckled, and Ellen’s face softened a bit. He wondered if it was a look of approval. He hoped it was.

“Ellen, you’re my favorite person in the world right now.” Dean said and if he wasn’t blind Castiel would think that he was staring longingly at the burger in front of him.

“Oh please, boy. I’m always your favorite person and you know it.” Ellen said, and scoffed. “But I’ll let you two enjoy your meals. I think I’ve flustered your boyfriend enough for one day.” And Castiel definitely did go beet red then.

Ellen turned and walked away, leaving Castiel with a very large burger, and a very red face that, thankfully, Dean couldn’t see.

Castiel thought this would be a good opportunity to fill the silence by shoving a ridiculous amount of fries into his mouth. Dean obviously didn’t feel this way.

“Hm. So you’re flustered?” Dean asked, but it wasn’t a question so much as a statement.

“Hmph.” Castiel grumbled over his fries. They were good, just the right amount of salt, and he thought maybe he tasted a hint of garlic.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Dean said, and then he moved his hands, feeling for the plate. His fingers made their way to the mountain of fries, and then he was picking one up and putting it in his mouth. He definitely looked better eating fries than Castiel did.

“No comment.” Castiel said, after he was finished chewing. Dean nodded, reaching for another fry. Then he moved his hands around the table, obviously searching for something, and Castiel thought he should probably help with the task.

“What do you need?” Castiel asked, and he thought maybe this was a learning opportunity to find out how Dean liked his burgers and fries. He didn’t linger on the fact that he cared about such a frivolous thing.

“Ketchup. Obviously. I’m not a barbarian.” Dean said, and Castiel put that fact into his rapidly growing list of Dean trivia. Then he reached for the ketchup, and slid it over.

“Here.” He said, and when Dean didn’t move, Castiel grabbed his hand and guided it to the bottle. Dean grasped it, and Castiel reluctantly let his own hand fall away. Maybe Dean would need assistance grabbing something else.

“Thanks,” Dean said, reaching to unscrew the cap. Castiel grunted, not trusting himself to speak, knowing he’d most likely say something embarrassing. “You want some?” he asked, after pouring an alarming amount on his plate.

“I think I could probably just steal from yours.” Castiel said, because seriously, that was a lot of ketchup. And apparently this was the wrong thing to say, because Dean’s head snapped up and he seemed to be giving Castiel a very offended glare.

“You will do no such thing.” Dean said, and another fact slid into Castiel’s brain: Dean doesn’t share his mountain of ketchup. “You want some, get your own.” and to make his point, he proceeded to dunk his entire fry into the red sauce.

“You have enough there to feed a small family.” Castiel deadpanned. Dean continued to dunk his fries, and Castiel thought that with someone else it would seem disgusting, but somehow Dean just made it look adorable. Which was ridiculous.

“You underestimate my love for ketchup.” Dean said, dunking another fry before feeling around for his burger. Castiel’s still remained untouched.

“I don’t think I do. But to be safe, I’ll pour my own. I don’t feel like being murdered today.” Castiel said, and for the first time he actually looked at the burger on his plate. The first thing he thought was, massive. Are the portions just bigger here?

“What’s on this anyways?” Castiel asked, his eyes squinting, trying to dissect the mystery in front of him.

“I wouldn’t murder you over ketchup.” Dean started, taking a generous bite of his burger before continuing. “This, on the other hand,” he motioned to his food. “This I would definitely kill for.”

“Noted.” Castiel said, and then he hesitantly picked up his own burger, staring at it quizzically. “And you didn’t answer me. What’s on this?” But instead of waiting for Dean’s answer, he took a small bite, chewing slowly.

“Nah, I’m not gonna tell you that.” Dean said, stopping to take a drink of water. “It’s good though, right? If you say no I might have to go to extreme measures.” Castiel rolled his eyes at that.

“I would like to see you try.” Castiel said, but he was right. It was good. He tasted a sauce he didn’t think he’d ever had before, and decided maybe he’d ask Ellen what it was. Dean wasn’t being very helpful.

They ate in silence for a few minutes, and thankfully it wasn’t awkward this time. It would have been worse if they kept trying to talk with their mouths full. Dean seemed to show his adoration for the food through noises. Very sexual noises. Or Castiel was just imagining things. But he’s pretty sure if Dean moaned in approvement one more time, Castiel was going to break his cup from clenching it so tightly. And he’d rather not be the customer who got broken glass everywhere.

“So,” Dean said, finishing the last bite. “What’s the verdict then?” There was still a small pile of fries scattered on his place, and Castiel wondered if he’d finish them. It would be an enormous feat.

“It was good.” Castiel said, immediately realizing that that was probably not the adjective Dean would want to hear. “Great, even.”

“Hm.” Dean said, unfolding a napkin to wipe his hands. When he was finished he put it next to the many other napkins that had been used already. Castiel didn’t know if he was  a messy eater, or if burgers were just impossible to eat without disaster. Maybe the former. Castiel had only used one.

“Just great?” Dean continued, and Castiel huffed out a sigh. “Not…. superb, or fantastic? Delectable, even?”

“What would you like to hear? That was the best burger I’ve ever had.” Castiel said, exaggerating his words.

“You don’t eat burgers.” Dean said, crossing his arms. “Come on, just say that you’re dying to come back here again.” And Castiel would die to come back here again. But moreso for the company than anything else.  

“If I can ever move again.” Castiel grumbled, rubbing his stomach. Could you die from eating too much? “But yes, I would love to come back here again. For a few reasons.” And where did that insinuating tone come from?

“What would those be? My wonderful company?” Dean said, smiling.

“Hm. No. For Ellen, she probably knows a lot about you.” And Dean’s smile was immediately replaced with a look of horror.

“You wouldn’t.” Dean said, a hint of terror in his voice.

“I would. But maybe I can be persuaded.” Castiel said, and yeah, he was flirting. Which was new and exciting, and terrifying all at once.

“Evil.” Dean whispered, but his mouth was turning up again. “Okay, name it.” And Castiel chuckled at the fact that Dean would probably do anything to keep him from finding out all his dirty secrets.

“Your eyes.” Castiel said, completely serious.

“You want my eyes? That’s weird, Cas, even for you. Besides, they don’t work.” Dean said, shaking his head. Castiel couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his mouth.

“Shut up, you know what I mean.” Castiel said, still wondering how conversation seemed to flow so easily between them. Not that it was a bad thing. “Besides, I remember you promising me something similar if I came here and ate a burger. You’re not going to back out on your promises, are you?”

“Damn you. I thought you might forget.” Dean said, but Castiel sensed that his exasperation was just being overplayed. He hoped it was. “You’re right, I did promise. And I’ll have you know, I’m no liar. Well, most of the time.”

“Quit stalling.” Castiel said, because he really wanted to know what Dean’s eyes looked like. He needed to know, and he couldn’t exactly figure out why it was so important.

“Okay, calm down.” Dean said and then he was reaching up to his glasses, and Castiel sucked in a breath. “Remember, they won’t look exactly like a normal persons. They can’t focus on stuff, so even though I’m looking at you, I won’t be….. Looking at you. You know?” And Castiel realized that Dean was very obviously nervous about this. This probably wasn’t something he usually did on a first date, and Castiel suddenly felt like an asshole.

But then Dean was taking off his glasses and Castiel was seeing his eyes, and all thoughts of him being insensitive slipped away. They were green. Somehow deep and vibrant all at once, and Castiel leaned forward despite himself. Dean was right, there was no reaction in his pupils, but Castiel didn’t care, because now he could see the speckles of hazel brown scattered in amongst his irises. And for a moment Castiel was upset, because so many people were missing out on a part of this man’s beauty. The other part of him thought maybe he was being insensitive again.

Dean started to fidget, and Castiel realized that he should probably say something. Because Dean could be taking this silence the wrong way, and that just wouldn’t do.

“They’re beautiful, Dean.” Castiel said, and his voice was rough. The unspoken you’re beautiful threatened to escape his mouth, and he had to take another breath to compose himself.

“Really?” Dean said, softly. And Castiel was upset again, because did Dean really not know how attractive he was?

“Yes. Really.” Castiel said, and Dean smiled, and this was a new one. It was soft, and intimate, and for a moment Castiel thought that this was a smile just for him, and he couldn’t breath again.

“Thanks.” Dean said. He went to put his glasses back on, and Castiel impulsively reached up to stop him.

“Wait-” Castiel grabbed Dean’s hand, gently, and brought it back down to the table. “Just, one more minute. Who know’s when I’ll get to see them again, with you making me do all these ridiculous things.”

“Oh like it was so hard to come here and eat a burger, Cas.” Dean said, but he let Castiel’s hand guide his own down, and when it was set on the table, he didn’t let go. Just grazed his thumb back and forth against the back of Castiel’s.

Castiel didn’t know how long they sat there, but soon enough- too soon- Ellen came with the bill. She looked down at the table, smirked, and slid the piece of paper next to Dean. Then she turned to Castiel and winked.

He can pay, she mouthed and Castiel covered his laugh with a cough, which made Dean’s head pique up in interest.

“Ellen?” He asked, narrowing his eyes. “I know you’re there. What did you tell him?”

Castiel didn’t bother to hide the laugh this time, let it fall out of him, and then Ellen was laughing along with him.

“Don’t know what you mean.” Ellen said, and she smiled at Castiel, and if that made Castiel feel warm inside, he wouldn’t question the meaning. “See you boys soon, I’m sure.” And once again, she made her exit.

“What did she say, Cas?” Dean said, turning his narrowed eyes at Castiel.

“Oh, nothing.” Castiel said, feigning ignorance, and then thinking better of it. “Just that you can pay, is all.”

Dean scoffed, but he was looking at Cas with a look of- something- something important, maybe.

“Fine,” Dean said, feeling for the paper. “But that means you got the next one. I can’t even read this, Cas, help me out here.”

Castiel grabbed the bill with his free hand, his other one was still occupied, and read the price. Then he had an idea.

“Guess.” Yeah, he was an asshole, but maybe Dean just brought that out in him. “Guess the price, and then we can go.” And maybe he was just using this as a technique to keep this date from ending.

Dean shook his head, but Castiel knew he was going to play along. Of course he was.

“Fine, but just so you know, I’m gonna get it to the God damn dime.”

Castiel just smiled, and grasped Dean’s hand tighter, felt the tightening in his chest, and thought man I’m fucked.

[brokenhayatim]

we might be dead tomorrow

[now playing the maze by manchester orchestra]

yesterday on a call, i had a moment of real possibility in having the decompression surgery. my neurologist last week said it was what she recommended and that chiari could be the cause of it all. so once i had it, they would most likely be gone, along with my headaches, then the meds i take would no longer be needed. it all hit me hard today and im feeling many emotions at this person who barely considered doing it for months. for god sake, i was in the hospital for it, a situation i never thought i would be in. (inshallah never again) 

you know some part of me loves being told i have a high pain tolerance, a big  part of me loves being poked with needles (!!) and loves looking at my mri’s. oh story time, the day my neurologist said something was different, aka wrong, i smiled in the chair and asked if i could look at it and went “ah cool!.” she gave me the wildest look but described all the brain anatomy stuffs to me. I told my therapist of this moment and he went “.oh...you were happy?” [types some notes on his computer] and i realized, normal people don’t do that and i probably said that badly with no shame. i wasn’t particular happy, but i was nowhere near sad or scared, i was excited. i think my dissociation makes me almost see everything as not mine. those aren’t my scans so i can be exhilarated and so curious about everything. or it could be that pain just isn’t something i worry or care for anymore. months later, i laughed bc something else being wrong with me, it’s almost fate. sometimes i wish i was terrified, but i didn’t care for it. i already had bad headaches, so what?

over these last few months though. it’s like i’ve made room in my home for it, i’ve become familiar with it, not so much comfortable, but so familiar that it doesn’t matter in the big picture. a secret: sometimes i feel really impressed and good when i tell of my imbalance issues, (vertigo), numbness in my limbs, the tinnitus and the nausea. sometimes..i wish i had more. i feel proud of myself when people have headaches, like i know the worst of that pain, and i’ve been through it. i don’t know if it’s because i want to be validated in having it or if it’s just how i am like that. i wish i could tell my sisters and everyone a whole list of symptoms, but all of them seem so useless and mediocre. i sometimes want that attention from just collapsing; but ironically, i hate being bothered and cared for with it. i found meaning in it all, i found a whole part of me within it all. i had headaches for 6 years before i, simply, told my general physician, and since then it’s been 5 (way too long of) mri’s and an EEG (that was certainly a moment). i wished, back then, i had seizures too. we called one of my pain symptoms “brain shocks” for years with that creative name and made it into this freeze “game”, and i just mentioned that two years ago in a visit. half of my identity is just on having headaches, of being in pain around people. and i’m stupidly fucking (sorry last day of ramadan) scared of losing that. i’ve taken more medications pills than i can count, and i know their purpose pridefully well. i’ve given advice based on that pain, i’ve helped someone with that pain. i’ll never be ready to lose that. i think of it and i imagine myself more empty. full of nothing.

the reason i’m writing this though wasn’t all that. i woke up and just felt this aching shame and sobbed, still am i can barely see, in my bed (so much snot). i’m so scared, more than anyone can possibly try to understand, of it all being gone. of never having to take a pill for this anymore (i still have dat mental illness so not those), or of never needing the knowledge of different types and locations of headaches. i’ve began to feel prideful in having a neurological condition. it makes me something, i have something i can tell. this is the thought that started the spiral. i feel something with this pain. what will happen when i can’t feel this anymore? what will i turn to next? what does the loss feel like? (is that corny or shallow bc it sounds so??) my therapist asked me ‘why i didn’t want to rid it?’ and i was like ‘i genuinely don’t know’ to which he replied ‘i think you do’ and i was all sIR i legit don’t know pls tell me. i made up this random guess and stuttered through it, it felt out of body almost, leaving my lips. what if getting rid of this physical pain forces me to submerge myself in my emotional pain and deal with that? i feel like i have none pls..me?? i’m chill sans the moments like this. (he also says my tether to pain is like penance, some kind of self punishment i feel i deserve..so lettuce chill bro). but the physical pain of headaches, the imbalance, the dizziness, even the numbness in my legs, i always feel something. it’s something i can remember in my head then move past. and when i remember it later, it’s intoxicatingly satisfying and i want it to happen again. i wish i collapsed or had to crawl to my room more often. i like..want to boast about it?? i remember that moment vividly being a ‘this is it’ one too. i was home alone crawling to my room bc my legs gave out and i needed my meds for my pounding headache, and i genuinely thought i was gonna die there on the floor. that moment of me hating and scared of it though is so fleeting, only lasting the day probs. and a part of me will always hate it. that’s normal. but that’s not strong enough to overcome me. it’s bittersweet.

“it’s not the same, but it’s similar to people losing their limbs, or injured so badly they’re forced to give up their career, or an addict quitting using drugs.” sure, but you can notice, you can see all that. this is all in my head.  unless you see my mri’s you would never even guess. it was why i wished my diagnosis was something with seizures, at least that’s something noticeably neurological that i can recognize myself. (am i a bad person? baby no doubt.) my old roommate once said she didn’t even know i had headaches often because i never complained or mentioned it. i would just go to the pantry and take my pill as you would with a cookie. and i’ll never be any other way, and i never was. i grew up closing the bathroom door when i threw up, washing my face after crying and walking back in the kitchen to my mom. i grew up missing moments of laughter and joy with my sisters to just lay in a dark room in pain, being checked on at the some time in the night. even to this day, i will sit in lectures when my head is pounding and i know i’ll throw up soon. anyways, my three sisters were talking about one of the other’s qualities and how amazed they are bc ‘they would never’. one of them had actually gone to class, and i softly mentioned how i am like that too, i think i’ve missed three classes in my four years (minus calc bc the class was more confusing than teaching myself). i said i’ve sat through night classes with headaches and with no meds for three hours and they were like mmm. i almost felt jealous that she always spoke of her small and big achievements, and i speak of none. no one even knew my major till this year. why, allah, why am like this? what made me too reserved and careless of myself? my education is the only thing that makes me feel worthy in the eyes of others...so mine, and i never even share it. it’s that, perfect on paper, that’s how i want to be. (because i know i’ll never be otherwise) i get up in a week of seclusion & sobbing and head off to class, sometimes i cry in class (iconic moments truly, your glasses hide wonders). last year i was sitting in this three hour class with excruciating (and i don’t use that lightly) pain in my head to the point where i had to cradle it with my hands and nearly bang it against the table from thrashing, i was in the middle of the room so i did a 10/10 job at playing it off. i never went to the bathroom or even home early...because i had another class after..which it persisted in. i had never felt that before in my entire life. another day, i silently cried like you wouldn’t believe in the bathroom stall (after uncharacteristically leaving the room) then wiped my tears, fixed my makeup and went right back into class. anyways does that even matter? am i even strong? i want to be so badly. for real this time, not this image. and i’m not. i’m barely enough as it is. 

odd tangent: i don’t care enough or at all about the people i should and i lie to make em feel good and feel better. i know people that love me would still, with this loss of pain, but i doubt myself, and i underestimate them yeah. i say 'them’ like i care what half the people in my life think or care about, it’s just noor and rose. i love rose but i don’t bring these things up, i don’t normally update and i don’t think i’ve ever opened up about my trauma enough for it to mean more than anything superficial. we have this beautiful relationship, yet i don’t find purpose in telling her if need not be, maybe one day. it’s different with noor. i babble all the damn time about everything and feel myself have no filter with these things. i mean, i mention noor to rose too, as if she’s a mutual friend. i care for them both. i love them both in different ways, both ways that are rare for me. rose wasn’t the first person i’ve met or cared about, but she was the first person i remember loving the way i do. i wish i could describe how i feel for noor simply, but i can’t. there was a long-while where she was more important to me than my family, even my sisters (i know, i was like uhmmm). i’ve written something, poem or prose, of almost everyone that was close to me aka 4 peeps (let’s not get wild here). and yet, i’ve written nothing of noor. i’ve written for her yes, but not of her. i tried and it’s arguably the hardest thing to do and i’m quite adequate at writing, if i do say so myself. i tried once in 2017, i stared at the screen for so long just backspacing bc nothing made sense. she’s my emotional support high school sweetheart that renders me powerless with my own words. (does that help?)

back to our scheduled program:  physical pain. it’s been maybe 10 years now that i’ve made a home for it. sometimes the lights go out when it gets bad, and sometimes i decorate with flowers when it excites me and brings something new. the house is probably the ugliest thing you’ve even had to lay your eyes upon, but it’s the best i got and it’s mine to come home to. i wouldn’t give her up without a fight. and i think that’s what my mind has been doing for so many months. trying to save my home, trying to keep every symptom of pain that i have. one day i’ll have to move out or i just die in here. both are changes i just can’t seem to make. i feel like i’m running out of time to sell it and move out, to do something and get rid of the pain. and, i feel like i’m making a mistake choosing to die in here, ignoring it and having it stay or get worse. if it gets worse, i’ll need help and the day i stop feeling like a burden to people, especially my family, let me know would ya. i don’t even often know how to ask for help if i wanted it - and then there’s being cared for that’s a nope to me. i can handle every moment of my pain from all my symptoms and condition, and yet i’m the weakest person in so much. i’m not a person that fears much, most times i find it impractical honestly. i reminded myself of that on my bedroom floor last year in february, during a moment of weakness. (also yes i use a lot of home analogies in writing ok) note: i’ve been mulling through this surgery decision for maybe a year on end now.

do i wish i was scared and worried to feel an ounce of normalcy? of course. but i’m not, i wasn’t even relieved with the diagnosis that day, went out and got pizza broo. even when i thought i was going insane. because what does it matter if it doesn’t change the pain? it’s kind of strange, but when i think of all this physical pain ( is it mental too idk??), i hear this voice in my head that smoothly and confidently says “gimme all you got.” i daydream of how much more i can take, what different things my brain and body can devise before i crack. and, obviously this voice personified does this...with finger guns.

[sunsetsover]

I'm having a really bad time right now, I'm all alone and can't talk to anyone in real life. But you seem kind. Do you have any advice or wisdom?

angel 🥺️🥺️ i’m sorry you’re having a tough time right now and you’ve got no one to talk to, but i’m glad you felt as though you could come to me 💖💖

when i’m having a bad time i always do my best to distract myself from whatever’s going on. it’s not always easy and perhaps it’s not the healthiest of coping mechanisms but i basically detach from reality as much as possible. this can be watching a film/tv show/yt vids or listening to music or reading a book or playing a game (obviously nothing sad, and this depends on your energy levels! don’t force yourself to do smth if you don’t want too lmao) like atm my thing is basically curling up into a ball in my bed and watching true crime documentaries while playing really shitty mobile games (bc it’s just a personal thing but when i’m having a bad time mentally i like to be like… almost on the verge of overstimulation?? like my eyes and ears and distracted by what i’m watching but my mind can’t wonder bc i also have to sort of concentrate on the game i’m playing, which is also distracting my hands. this is literally just a personal thing and might not work for you but i thought i would offer an explanation anyway lmao). like basically just keeping my brain busy/distracted is basically how i try to deal with bad moods n stuff.

i also never underestimate the power of allowing yourself to just feel how you feel, u know? like i experience things differently bc i have a personality disorder and dealing with emotions is just Different for me compared to most people, but sometimes just crying when you need to cry works wonders, you know? or having a day (or even just 5 minutes) where you’re like ‘ok today i’m gonna allow myself to be sad/angry/upset but tomorrow i’m not allowed to wallow anymore’. but i also wanna say that this is sometimes the opposite of helpful and sometimes a difficult thing to navigate like it took me a while to know when i needed to let my emotions be felt and when i had to be like ‘no lauren dwelling on this isn’t gonna help you’ and even then it’s still hard so be careful!! you know yourself best and if you think indulging in your emotions is going to hurt rather than help, then just don’t do it !! try to distract yourself instead!! (that said i do still maintain that sometimes just sobbing your heart out can make you feel way better emotionally, but again that might just be me)

it’s all about trying stuff and figuring out what is going to make you feel better. sometimes the cliche ‘self care’ stuff like having a hot bath and changing the bed sheets puts me in a way better frame of mind, other times i literally do not have the mental capacity to do that. i do always love having the window open to let some fresh air in, even when it’s cold out. you could try writing how you feel down? that’s not something i do, but i know some people do find that helpful. try to get some sleep (i really struggle with my sleeping, esp when i feel like shit, but i find having something mindless on in the background (my personal faves are the late night teleshopping programmes and food network lmao) can help me fall asleep bc i turn the volume down low and it’s like bc i’m listening to that i’m not listening to my own thoughts. OR - and i know this sounds bizarre - but guided meditations. i don’t use them often but 9/10 times they really do help me fall asleep. the only ones i use are by the honest guys on youtube!). maybe going out and getting out of your own head?? even if you just walk around like a shopping centre or smth?? or in a park?? 

basically my default (healthy-ish) coping mechanism is to do brainless stuff so i don’t have to Think. i don’t wanna think abt why im upset i don’t wanna think abt what caused it i don’t wanna think abt making myself feel better i just wanna turn my brain off and i do that by basically keeping all of my senses as distracted as possible. but if there’s anything you think might help you in any way, then just try it. (providing it’s not dangerous or damaging of course) if it doesn’t help, then it doesn’t help. sometimes certain things will help sometimes and not others. brains and emotions are weird and trying to deal with them is like trying to herd cats sometimes but !!! you’ll figure it out. i have faith in u :-)

and if there is a specific situation or circumstance that is upsetting you, then just try your best not to internalize any of whatever’s going on. like i know that’s vague and i’m sorry i can’t be more specific but just remember that external circumstances are very rarely in your control and so try not to internalize any sadness or anger you might be feeling towards things or people that aren’t in your control. and if u wanna come and talk abt it or want more specific advice then my ask and my dms are always open!!!

also lastly just be kind to yourself… like i know being sad can be frustrating and sometimes ur internal monologue can be so cruel but you have to try your hardest (and i mean hardest bc it’s not easy at ALL) to be kind and understanding of yourself. don’t get angry or resentful of yourself for however you’re feeling. try, at the very least, to be indifferent abt it. like ‘ok i’m going through a bad time. ok i’m struggling rn. ok. it is what it is. very often you can’t change that. so let me try to deal with it as best as i can. let me be patient with myself. let me give myself time. and then i will get up, even if i don’t want to, and i will keep going forward, even if it’s on my hands and knees.’ that’s the attitude i’ve found most helpful. all these daily affirmations and positive attitudes are nice in theory and i’m sure they help some people (they might even help you!) but for me they’re useless. like i try my hardest to be kind and patient w myself, but sometimes i settle for just apathy. and sometimes i need to be firm instead, u know? and if smth doesn’t work in helping me feel less shitty, i just try something else (although i’ll be honest! all of this sounds so nice on paper but it’s not that easy in real life! none of what i’m saying is easy! it’s difficult and it’s taken me YEARS to figure out what helps me when my mental health is playing up so it might take you a little while too!)

i hope things are a little bit easier for you from now on, anon. i hope your bad time passes as quickly as it possibly can, and even if it doesn’t i hope that you can find some ways to help yourself cope/cheer yourself up so you start to feel better soon. and i’m always here if you wanna talk about stuff!! anything!!! use me as ur distraction if you want!!!! 

but ily remember to go easy on yourself and stay safe and i’m sure you’ll get through this rough patch i have faith in you 💖💖💖