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i will not know peace until i have my own little secluded house on the outskirts of the city decorated like the sleaziest, mustiest dive bar/strip club you’ve ever seen
#i wanna sit on the porch smoking and getting wasted on mike’s hard at 4 in the morning#im talking mismatched plastic & folding chairs around the cinder block firepit#im talking beer lights in the backyard. neons in the house. shaggy carpets & beads and jewels just hanging everywhere#like howls moving castle if howl was a retired pimp from Maine#and also the house doesnt move#and its only one story#im sick of stairs
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begging jeremy adams please make them friends this time around and let hal!!! apologize!!!!!!!
#hal jordan#carol ferris#halcarol#green lantern#绿灯小丑#woah i havent really looked into this sideblog for months lmfao my bad#but i caught up with the issues recently and wtf why is barry encouraging hal to be a homewrecker WHEN HAL REALIZES HE SHOULD LET CAROL GO.#[pushes barry down a flight of stairs]#listen im halcarol no.1 fan always has been but if hal and carol stayed close friends in this run i would see god#THEY WORK WELL TOGETHER GIVE ME THE FERRIS AIR TEAM BACK + tom#anyway those flowers mean smth but im too lazy to type it out just analyze yourself if you care a lot about halcarol . cheers#this art looks bad bc i havent drawn in a bit after getting sick but i needed to post it to post my point <- very sane thought process
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some1 tell me something to write/draw
#vixen rambles#i need something 2 do so i dont start eating bricks#thing abt getting told i have hashimotos is. they are Refusing to treat it.#because i have 'nothing else going on'#i am UNABLE TO WALK WITHOUT PAIN#IM NOT EVEN 20#I AM WALKING WITH A CANE DAILY#like i can tell you now. its hypothyroid arthropathy. and fuckk man all i want is to GET RID OF IT#i wnana fucking run again i wanna hike i wanna climb stairs without pain#i want to have energy again i wanna play games i wanna work i wanna live#im so sick of being called a cripple#im so sick of my entire life being classes and my room i want to be a real person again#we're trying a different doctor thurdsay to see if i can get Any kind of help. i dont care if they take the whole thyroid out#i just wanna get rid of these symptoms#MY IMMUNE SYSTEM IS EATING MY THYROID#THE THYROID IS KIND OF. A DECENTLY VITAL ORGAN. YKNOW.#'DONT SEE A REASON TO KEEP SEEING ME' LORD#GOD#sorgy. im ok#i stay winning. im batman#this will all be over in a fwe months. but GODDDD
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ughh my anxiety got so much worse recently and idk what to do about itt sorry I gotta vent in here cause google ain't helping horrible amount of tmi warning ig....
#im like constantly entering rooms and scared I'm going to find someone died or inkeep thinking someone has killed themself and it's fucking#exhausting and it's just so scary like i can barely enter a room or walk down the stairs without bracing myself for like#the sight of someone lying on the floor or whatever it just brings me so much distress#and i guess it's just like a sick combination of my intrusive thoughts too cause#i have thoughts of this as well as someone trying to kill me or attack me so im just going through world#getting random thoughts that someone isbgoing to suddenly drive their car into me or jump me or whatever#nad godni knowww it's not real but it's just fucking so much with my brain im literally exhausted from the amount#of distress im going through#and it's not like anything has happened recently that's related it's just that my brain is fucked I've always had these thoughts like for#years and years and years it's just worse rn ughhhh#like I feel like this is such an exaggerated fear it's almost comical like i would really open doors to rooms#and think members of my family would be dead and dangling off the ceiling -_-#yeah alright I feel bad even posting this but I can't talk about it to anyone so. uhh
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Ok, during lunch i was goofing off by browsing the dat*ng app and came across a profile who 'liked' mine that was some blonde haired pretty boy with this as a tag line: "looking for the sophie to my howl". My heart flew into my throat....was i about to live out some teenage fantasy? I got incredibly excited until i realized with dawning horror that this dude possibly meant movie!sophie...
Full offense to the movie but the artists shaved off all the harsh edges on both sophie and howl to the point of unrecognizability beyond basic plot points. So anyone who is searching for the soft, gentle, pleasant version of sophie in the movie absolutely could not handle the slightly manic cleaning lady who enjoys bullying fire demons from the book. Book sophie is quite literally a bit of an obnoxious witch(with a b). She gets angry and expresses herself by murdering weeds. She enjoys teasing howl mercilessly. She gets panic attacks and wears the curse around her like a blanket to protect herself from anxiety and uncertainty. Book sophie is a fully flawed three dimensional character in the same way that movie sophie is a picturesque daydream meant for someone more in love with the idea of being in love than wanting to actually be in love.
But it also just annoyed me because this dude was unwittingly buying into the exact flaw of movie howl. Movie howl was remade into the idea of what women want: he's perfect, he's courtly and an utter gentleman, he acts like a prince. Movie howl is what book howl pretended to be when he went off on dates.
And the entire point of the book is that it took these disguises coming off (howl's princely fake romance character and sophie's literal old woman curse) for these two idiots to fall in love. Sophie starts out as a shy timid mouse, too scared to even talk to howl - she literally runs away from him when they meet in the market. She's so insecure and unable to be selfish that the curse is a blessing in disguise for her. The minute she becomes an old woman she no longer has anything to lose, all her fucks are gone, she's for once in her life just being herself. And she marches into howl's castle looking for a place to sleep because she thinks an old woman would be safe from howl's heart stealing (womanizing) ways.
And howl, meanwhile, doesn't know anything about this crazy old woman except Calcifer likes her (and calcifer represents howl's true heart so it's essentially his gut instinct), and he sees through the old woman disguise before she sees through his but the point is he's still seeing the real sophie - not the shy timid one (movie sophie).
And sophie sees behind howl’s entire facade! The book emphasizes that howl's towering powerful ‘castle’ is hollow smoke - it’s really a tiny three room cottage. Sophie gets to meet howl's real family and find out his working class plain mouse-brown hair background from an unmagical unglamorous world. Sophie cuts up his fancy suits immediately when howl tries to put on his disguise and ‘steal hearts’ again. That was the entire theme of the book: real love doesn't need disguises and artifice.
THAT was the teenage daydream: struggling with insecurity and posturing and a whole bunch of nonsense to discover honest true love underneath. And the movie was about none of that.
Teenage me never wanted the stupid princely version of howl. Teenage me wanted the messy, vain, spider loving, too soft hearted, cowardly, loyal, andre aggassi, stubborn-assed wizard from the book. I will never never forgive the movie for taking all that and turning it into something some guy who fancies himself a handsome courtly prince can put into his d*ting profile.
Anyway if any wizards are in need of an old cleaning lady to befriend their fire demon let me know. Fire demon not required - i have my own, my blue teardrop of a car named Clacifer. And i have the spiders. And i have the facade of success thats on the brink of crumbling. And i keep heartlessly rejecting everyone who wants to date me. Shit fuck ive turned into howl. Except im also my own manic cleaning lady so maybe ive just hyper independently doomed myself to lonliness \o/
#Jrnlsht#I asked him if he meant book or movie#and he said movie and that he never felt the need to read the book#and i unmatched him immediately#i feel like the best example is when howl gets sick and ends up in bed#in the movie he's in this gorgeous and detailed bedroom ensconsed beautifully amongst pillows like a sleeping prince#in the book howl is both drunk and has the flu and is stumbling up the stairs swearing and miserable and collapses into bed#nobody is the sleeping prince if someone says they are the sleeping prince they must be lying or be so short sighted that they are#Unaware of their own times of being a stumbling mess who just wants to collapse into bed#Book sophie sees the stumbling mess (and laughs at him) but still thinks hes a prince (her prince) anyway#Im still convinced that the moment howl teased sophie back by wearing her magically oversized *mended* fancy suit was the moment#Sophie fell in love#They're idiots your honor#and im afraid a fellow idiot is the only type of person im interested in
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left my apartment today to get this awesome stuff from @heybabybird !! such a cute art style ahhh, and it was packaged wonderfully!!!
#heybabybird#sage speaks#first time ive left my apartment in days because im sick lol#worth the coughing fit i got from the three flights of stairs
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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.
TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.
If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.
If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.
If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.
If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.
If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.
If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.
If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.
If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.
If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.
If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.
If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.
If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.
If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.
I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.
If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.
If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.
If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.
These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.
And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.
If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.
#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity#i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed#that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time#or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better#not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person#i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice#no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it#i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy#(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all#and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel#what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish#ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals#and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing#or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more#i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#spoonie#one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me#i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to#i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything#stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much#and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go
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puppy daddy's gonna be honest you have got to wear a fucking mask on public transit
#losing my damn mind#pride wasnt accessible to me before the pandemic#and it FOR SURE ISNT NOW!!!!#the lgbtq+ center is up a narrow flight of stairs steeper and slimmer than my apartments and sometimes#i have to stop half way on those. like.#god. sorry. i know. i know no one wears masks any more. i know im the quote wierdo hold out endquote along w my now roommate#but for the love of god does it really get driven home sometimes#ive had covid 3 times that i can verify and each time has left me with very minor things#(lung capacity shrinkage NEW chronic pain and an increase in migraines)#and doctors are asking me why im still wearing one 😭 bcus the last time i was unmasked in a medical setting#i got so sick i could barely move for a week and a half#COME ON MAN.#any way. sorry.#i get it i do im sick of masking at this point bcus its expensive and tedious and painful these days (hot humid weather)#but i like it when i dont increase the risk of myself and my loved ones and their loved ones getting sick and potentially dying#also this post is in response to a random ass picture i saw while scrollijg that was posted this year
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guys when the disability is disabling 👎
#sorry stupid vent post <3#im gonna be angry in the tags here for a second#im just. idk. sick of being aware of the fact that im getting worse.#i had a week off from work for moving and school purposes#and now that im back i am . oh boy 👍 not great#literally passed out this morning which . thats new. dont like that.#hopefully its just a . one off thing. i dont know. but. idk.#something something capitalism something something ableism something something im tired of this grandpa#i am tired of being in pain <3 im tired of feeling like im falling behind constantly and like im letting everyone down#by just not being able to do the things i feel i should be able to do.#and like. also currently looking at wfh jobs bc i do not think my body can handle school and work and having to stand and walk and stairs#that much . every single day.#and i feel bad about that too bc i transfered to this store ! i put in work to be here at this store and my fucking body is giving out !!#its not even bad. its a much quieter store than the one i came from. everyone ive talked to is nice. the manager is understanding#and i hate that i feel like im just. deteriorating. and failing at everything <3#but like whatever . its whatever. i know its just the. internalized shit of 'yeah but im not bad enough to warrant this'#like ! fuck !#idk. things to bring up in therapy i guess <3#ok goop night sorry for this. i wont be deleting bc fuck me if i ever delete a post. cringe is dead or wtvr
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look. we did put out lollies. but our halloween decoration (found giant spider) lives in our front yard year-round and is beloved of the neighbourhood. that and a lantern and three years running. we had an honour system that may have been a tad exploited.
#im not a total grinch i would have carved a pumpkin but i have been busy#i'll miss the trick or treaters in this house you get a sick view of them before they see you#having stairs up and being slightly hidden is so good for people watching
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Man this is just not my week huh
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im. really fucking glad i bought a rollator
#legs are. super fucking weak right now#i think. we ate some spoiled food. and when we get sick Fucking Everything shuts down#and normally we'd use our wheelchair for that#but we can't use it when trying to get into the apartment because stairs#and i only got sick after getting to the library today#i feel like whatever maker decided to put me on this planet just fucking hates me#i have tried everything and run into every dead end. i am running out of options. im tired of feeling like my body is dying around me#low health
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I don't mind getting up early to help my dad out (I mean I fucking hate it but like. I'll do it) but I do hate the way he makes fun of me for struggling with it. like I'm not just being lazy and complaining about not getting a lie in, my disability just affects me much worse if I get up early or if I haven't had enough sleep so I am in a lot of pain and nauseous and just feel like absolute shit, it literally feels like waking up with a hangover
#personal#he laughed this morning as i was struggling to get down the stairs#and he's like 'stop complaining its good for you!'#meanwhile my head hurts my tummy hurts im shaking and i feel sick#right now ive gotta be up in case someone comes to look at the broken boiler#soon as he gets home im back upsgtairs to take nap
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this whole moving house thing is so funny we were really set on one town but decided its just not happening and we have a first time buyer wanting ours so we feel a bit under pressure to find somewhere and not lose them so we started looking closer to where we are now and thats somehow lead to my mum telling me on my lunch break we're viewing a house down the road
#a lot of wanting to move away was because we couldn't afford to stay here but this house has been reduced........#we also looked at a house (and put an offer in but i dont think we'll get it) at a house near where i went to school#and if we'd have got that part of me would have been fuming that we moved that close to school#like 15 years after i left there lmao it used to take me 2 hours to get there!!!!! 1 hour on the bus and 1 hour walking because buses from#this stupid fucking town stopped going there!!#anyway i just want to be out of this house im sick of 2 flights of stairs#stacey speaks
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Sick again :(
#never in my life have i been this sick this often#temp got to 101.5 last night#down to 100 even now#got a headache and my clothes feel like sandpaper on my skin and i get dizzy trying to climb stairs#so normal fever stuff i guess#too busy w/ school to worry about a partner (and also just not interested atm) so im not like#missing any valentines plans or anything#but owie#happy valentines day to everyone though <3#update; back up to 101
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thought about my old house for more than two seconds and almost cried so i did the smart thing and looked at the pictures of it on rightmove to see how the new owners (they have lived there since 2015) have completely ruined it (they redecorated) to the point it's unrecognisable (got an extension) and im literally ugly sobbing about it. they let my mother's garden die
#YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THERE USED TO BE CONIFERS THERE AND I REMEMBER CLIMBING SO FAR UP THEM#AND MY GRANDAD SEEING ME THROUGH THE BRANCHES AND SMILING AT ME AND SAYING 'HELLO' SO SOFTLY#BACK WHEN HE WAS NICE AND I REMEMBER THERE'S A BACK ALLEY BEHIND ALL THE GARDENS ON THE STREET#THAT YOU CANT SEE IN THE PHOTOS AND ME AND THE TWO BOYS NEAR ME USED TO SPEND HOURS AND HOURS#RUNNING ABOUT AND GETTING DIRTY AND BREAKING INTO THE NEIGHBOURS' GARDENS AND GETTING IN TROUBLE#AND NOW ONE IS IN A MILITARY SCHOOL BECAUSE HIS PARENTS GREW SCARED OF HIM#AND THE OTHER GOT INVOLVED IN GANGS AND GOT CAUGHT WITH A KNIFE IN SCHOOL BUT I SAW HIM AT THE LOCAL A FEW MONTHS AGO#AND HE'S STILL ONE OF THE SOFTEST BOYS IVE EVER MET AND HE SMILED AND SAID HE WAS GLAD I WAS DOING WELL#AND I REMEMBER RUNNING UP THE STAIRS WHEN MY MUM WAS ANGRY AND I REMEMBER RUNNING DOWN THE DRIVE#WHEN MY DAD CAME HOME AND I REMEMBER MY OLD DOG AND HOW MY MUM EXPLAINED THE NAMES BEHIND EVERY ROSE#I REMEMBER BEING SCARED OF THE CELLAR AND I REMEMBER LEARNING TO PLAIT MY OWN HAIR ON THE STAIRS#BECAUSE MY SISTER REFUSED TO TEACH ME AND I REMEMBER HOW COLD THE ATTIC WAS#I REMEMBER SLEEPING IN MY MUM'S BED AND I REMEMBER THE CAT DYING#I REMEMBER CLOSING MY EYES SO TIGHTLY BECAUSE I THOUGHT ID SEE SANTA AND THAT MEANT HE WOULDNT COME#I REMEMBER CRYING IN THE BATHROOM WHEN MY SISTER TOLD ME THE EASTER BUNNY WASNT REAL#I REMEMBER MY MUM BRUSHING MY HAIR IN THE KITCHEN BEFORE SCHOOL AND I REMEMBER HOW WE PAINTED THE WALLS#THAT'S MY HOUSE IT'S BUILT FROM ME AND NOW I CANT EVEN RECOGNISE IT#THAT WAS THE LAST PLACE I WAS TRULY HAPPY NOTHING BAD HAD EVER HAPPENED TO ME#AND NOW IT'S FOREIGN TO ME#im about to start dry-heaving this is evil and sick and twisted childhood homes come with their own ache i think#hella goes home#<- not quite but v much fits that tag
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