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#im so exhausted i hate u
inkskinned · 1 year
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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag#writeblr#it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal#fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy#im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind#and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes#2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh#im sure there are people who have this experience normally#but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists#when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful#once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large#but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes#but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes#people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism#but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY#and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in#i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change#was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL
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watcher0033 · 5 months
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Almost 1AM and this exchange brought me to tears.
Hear here, we’ll never stop till the world listens. It’s not forever. It’s now.
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woahjo · 4 months
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OCD is a real bitch bc I ate a candied apple that is less than 24 hours old today (that had been refrigerated and eaten all in one go when we did take it out of the fridge) and now I’m paranoid that I’m gonna get some fatal food disease from it (bc ive heard that u can) even tho people eat candied apples all the time. and now I’m just PARANOIDDDDDD
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lleclercism · 11 months
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every race weekend ferrari is like "yeah we use this race as a learning experience so we don't make the same mistake again" and then next week happens and they have 9 new and different learning experiences
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kideternity · 3 months
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Whilst I don’t deny that Kamen Rider 71 is just like in general a very silly show in a lot of regards it seems very strange to me the idea that like it was ever like a Stupid show. Or like written stupidly. I would actually argue that KR71 is often times a very smartly written and earnestly written show. It’s very open about its anti-imperialist slash anti fascist themes and will through writing and production showcase its understanding of the harm those systems cause as well as slash in conjunction to that provide allegories to the real world methods it utilises to hurt people. And on a more general note it just takes the characters and plots for the most part Very seriously it takes their journeys and their actions Seriously. It doesn’t diminish or insult their emotions or their intellect or them just trying in the first place. There’s things you can and should criticise in various different aspects but I genuinely would not consider it a bad show at all which I feel like is common or was common for people who didn’t want to give Toku media a chance usually do slash did- like, arguments about how the Goofiness or Corniness Automatically Made it Bad in some way. Idk Im just saying words probably don’t consider me an authority on this but It’s how I feel
#kamen rider#kamen rider extravaganza hour#dinu yells into the void#dinu yells in the void#im fucking exhausted out of my mind so im just like saying wordssssss but like. fuckkk i dunno man#i feel like personally for years ive always seen people who arent toku fans especially people who were americans act as though toku media#was like. inherently a lesser form of media because its Silly and Its Overdramatic and Its Emotional#like acting like its ‘kiddie shit’#like they used their memories of stuff like power rangers to justify this belief too instead of actually watching to#*toku media#like very similar honestly to how people act about comic books like actual comic books and animation#and its like. when u actually give these genres or mediums a chance. you realise how sincere and talented a lot of it is#i was thinking about this because in this episode theres like a scene where shocker lieutenants dress up in costumes akin to the KKK clan#like its what im assuming the reference is and im just like. this is such a smart show. like it genuinely has a lot of smart writing when it#comes to their like nazi fascist villains. it doesnt shy away from taking it seriously or referencing irl hate groups#it makes me think of it compared to like mcu media which ppl ALWAYSS for years acted like the height of superhero cinema#and mcu shit is like. not only is it immune to genuinely caring about anything at least in recent years. but it also hated actually making#commentary and fucking sticking to it. like itd you an inch and ppl took a mile when therr wae no milr#fuckkkkkkk dont mind me . im just insane i think. i odnt know.#taking my insanity from being a american comic fan and bringing it over to my to#toku era. sorry
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bunnihearted · 4 months
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#im in such a bad and low mood :<#it's not just my period hormones 🥴#my wireless headphones worked fine all of yesterday and today when i wake up they're blinking#they're liked fucked up... i turn them off but they constantly turn themselves back on. when i connect them to my ipad they constantly#keep disconnecting and shutting off and turning on 🙃 it makes me so angry bc i need to wear them basically all the time#bc all the noise from neighbors and my family and outside is driving me crazy#but they just dont work anymore?? plus i cant afford new ones... esp now which brings me to my next point#bc of my mom having troubles w school and loans and work etc she was like yeah u guys might have to pay for me this summer so we'll be#proper poor 😄 she doesnt WANT that either but it just sucks bc i got $300 every month and i can barely afford anything as is#yeah so there is no chance of me buying new headphones until at least august or september ......#then im annoyed bc my sisters are passive aggressive 24/7 and hate my existence and my mom is depressed lol#and i have no one to talk to or be with. it's summer and i wanna do stuff but i just dont wanna do it alone lmao#and then im just sad bc of many things.....#also i hate myself bc im a loser failure piece of shit but like yeah that's normal for me to feel#i just hate everything and it's so hard to endure this lame ass existence skskskskks#why cant ANYTHING be good ever in my life??#i am garbage and im surrounded by bad things lmao... anyways can i just stop breathing now pls#and it's not just a 'tiny' thing like my headphones not working like it might seem to others#but when u live a life where NOTHING is good or NOTHING works everything just piles on#ppl dont seem to understand that normally bc most ppl have some good things in their lives#so they just cannot comprehend what it's like when nothing works on any level in your life lok#ofc im depressed ofc im angry and bitter and dejected. i have no good things or moments at all in my life. that tears u down#i mean ofc i could be living in an active warzone and that'd be .. pretty awful i can imagine. but yeah... my situation is still not ideal#like i mean i do actually try to practice gratitude of having a roof over my head my own room water in the pipes and food so i dont starve#i am thankful for that bc many ppl dont even have that#i still feel depressed tho <3#idk what im talking abt now i just feel SO bad and i have no one to talk to#i have nothing to do... no help no treatment... everyone hates me and wants me dead......#why should i fight when no one cares abt me anyway... well.. i mean i do wanna experience more nature but like idk#im just so exhausted... why cant i ever have smth good in my life that also dont go away after a short while lol
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guys i don't know how many times we have to have this conversation but characters can't "steal" traits from other characters okay? jason todd and helena bertinelli are similiar but that does not mean he's "stealing" traits. theres only a limited amount of personality traits and tropes that exist in the world and we can't invent any new ones, sometimes characters are similiar bc of that. im sorry your fav character isn't relevant rn, but stop saying that jason "stole" your favs traits when he's always been like this.
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stormyrainyday · 3 months
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this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy
#im yapping u can move on if u dont wanna hear my life story#first i get nuked by stomach pains when i go to visit my friends#something that had been ongoing for years but#my best friend convinces me to see a doctor that year#my condition deteriorates no matter what meds they put me on#i finally get a more invasive exam that shows my intestines were inflamed#i get put on fucking steroids that fuck me up physically and emotionally#i go through multiple med school exams after spending months in crippling pain#pain so bad id be bedridden for hours#got 6 weeks of migraines near daily#sometimes multiple in a day#stressed out of my mind by the time my finals came around to the point that i could no longer bring myself to care#bc i was sure id fail no matter how hard i studied#visit my friends again bc somehow its already winter again#am a nervous wreck all the time and retreat into my phone#but also hate myself for not spending what little time i had fully present#constantly worn out and exhausted bc my meds are barely working#and id found out i was allergic to a lot of things so i was cutting a lot of things out of my diet#lmfao it was so bad my weight still hasnt recovered but yeah i come back i start 3rd year#the toll the last year had taken on my mental health finally registers#i become too depressed to study for my hardest module yet#UGH THATS SO CRINGE JUST SIT DOWN AND STUDY??#but nothing was sticking on god#anyway im sure ive failed#and la salud mental no es bien or soemthing idk i havent taken spanish in 3 years#anyway deep sigh i just stay losing#i cant believe im in like four fucking research projects and classes and trying to work on myself this shit sucks balls#and clinical rotations...#lord just strike me down
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munamania · 8 months
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months
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...
#shout out to my nana for saying my dad spends money like water#my dad who struggles with the idea of spending money bc of obsessive compilation thoughts but is making an effort#bc whats the point of saving up all your life just to die. nana? my dad whose wife is literally dying of cancer and is beginning to circle#the drain so hes deciding he wants to start spending his retirement money now while shes still alive. u old witch. Jesus christ. my mum#isnt gonna live forever. shes getting her bladder removed in February i think. imo ill just b happy if she lives past the end of my 5year#program. like holy fuck. i mean. its not really nanas fault. she probably has 0cd and probably has 0cpd. but like this is y u wanna try to#get better. so you dont grow into a miserable old fuck whose family hates u bc ur awful and killing ur husband thru ur illness. just saying#as someone whose can see their own behaviors mirrored in her. this is y i cant go on like this lol#hopefully i hit my rock bottom last year. ugh. i just wish i could sleep. when im not super depressed i cant seem to get a normal amount of#sleep and im exhausted all afternoon. im awake at night and early in the morning. it makes me nauseous too. insomnia i guess#but ive always slept rather little. maybe it was compulsive and now im just old and cant take it#hate it. wish it would stop but at least i dont feel like dying anymore i guess. im guessing the meds r exacerbating thr sleep issues if not#causing it. ugh symptom management i guess#unrelated
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bibleofficial · 22 days
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need you to know i genuinely enjoy your blog - part of what makes it great is that its clear that you go outside and party and fuck!! so many people in this website just don’t fuck 🤧
omg !!! ❤️❤️❤️ don’t replicate my sin u will go to hell
#asked#anonymous#ALSKALSKALSKLKSLAKSLAJSLAJSL#i don’t party i end them#i’m the police but instead of confiscating the drugs i’m doing them all & everyone hates me for it#i’m like a pig findin a truffle#i wish i could stay inside forever and just die but im an adult#has to leave the house today even#gave more directions#still exhausted#still so much shit to do#i should be euthanized#ok real talk i hope none of yall look up to me bc u shouldn’t 😭😭 don’t look at my substance use & think ‘wow aspiration !’ it’s a problem &#it’s bc of Trauma that i am An Addict#like aspire to overcome rape & assault & druggings & robbery & sex work & abusive relationships & abandonent issues & being poor &#like QLSKALKSLAKSLAJSLAKSLAKSL#LIKE LOOK AT THAT !!! laugh at my misery bc it is very funny but dont aspire to it !!!!#except for the pigeons i think everyone should feed the pigeons & should try feeding pigeons & also look at pigeons & watch the pigeons & th#think abt pigeons & love pigeons#not the point but like fr do NOT have insane amounts of sex it’s not cool or swag it’s honestly very sad ALSKALSKLAKSLAKSLAKSLAK#like getting flashbacks are INSANE bc i’ve blacked out so many memories#no actually u should have insane amounts of sex i mean risky sex & sex for attention like i’ve hooked up w people i wouldn’t … solely bc#they would give me attention that i crave like it’s not even ‘attention’ it’s just ‘feeling close to a person’ like i would’ve been HAPPY to#just get a HUG or a CUDDLE but to do that i had to have sex (OR SO I THOUGHT BC I HAVE NO BOUNDARIES)
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piplupod · 1 month
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hearing the question "how are you doing?" every single day i show up (not an issue in and of itself) and i cannot say "i am not doing well actually, but how are you?" because they seem to have an unofficial no bummers rule in place (with the exception of like two elders who i guess have somehow earned the right to gripe and complain when no one else is allowed to, even other elders) (being unable to reply even somewhat truthfully is the issue at hand) but oh my god I am Not Doing Well
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heyitsphoenixx · 2 months
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ever since i was a little [redacted] i always wanted to be a person who has a place in society
#vent in the tags#the older i get and the worse everything gets im just like#how does anyone do anything#how does anyone be anything#without being born rich#and am i doomed to poverty forever as punishment for being an artist#as punishment for not being born wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer and having all the capabilities and resources to do it#or doomed to work a full time job i hate that has nothing to do with the things i love or who i am#just for like. mediocre health benefits. if that#or doomed to spend my whole life striving for a career anywhere in the arts that will take me and running myself ragged trying to get there#or doomed bc i have so many interests and so few resources to never have the chance to feel fulfillment by trying everything i want to#and still be able to financially support myself#like. i think when you die thats it. and i have so little control over the amount of things i get to experience already#but i want to experience everything as much as possible#and i've just been grieving this for the last like three years#and i know most people in the world are so much worse off and this is a super privileged position to be in at all#im just grieving my own lived circumstances#and a lifetime trying to combat the constant nihilism from my mother that everything is always going to be bad no matter what doesnt help#but anyway. i hold onto hope as a weapon against the alternative. im just so exhausted already#and i havent really even started#fellow artists if u read this far how tf are we supposed to live lmao#artists in the broad sense as well im interested in literally every medium
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deadfishwalkin · 7 months
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One time I made golden syrup to use for something I was baking. I used up a bit, but I accidentally made way too much, so I sealed it up nice and tight and put it away in a dark, empty cupboard where nothing could destroy it.
Flash forward a month later, I get the jar out to use for something else and there's an ocean of ants drowning in it. Turns out there was a tiny crack in the jar and all the ants sniffed out the sweet sugary syrup and came out from god-knows-where and let all nine circles of hell loose on their bounty, only to be mummified alive in amber treacle-y hell.
Some part of me finds it pretty tragic that ants, small enough to dodge radiation, resilient, loyal, strong, these wonderful, overall near-invincible creatures-
Yeah, some part of me finds it pretty tragic that they managed to squeeze into the tiniest crack in the impenetrable wall guarding their treasure and rushed in to claim their bounty, only to be defeated by a trap spun from liquified sugar and human ambition.
I don't know if I identity more with the jar or the ants (⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)
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bunnihearted · 2 months
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hmm i like actually wanna kms
#big oof 🥴#if i try to talk im dramatic and emotional and only met with judgement ....#if i try to push it all down and pretend everythings fine i feel like im slowly dying#if i try to ask for help ppl only slap my hand away and dismiss me#if i complain im a negative pos who everyone hates#if i stfu and dont talk i feel miserable and like i have this big lump in my throat and i cant breathe#im never right or ok or valid or anything. im always wrong.....#im sad and lonely bc all i want is for someone to really truly love me and hold me#but truth is nobody cares that much if i would actually kms#but then im pathetic and whiny for crying in pain since i feel so alone and worthless#like honestlyyyy u can never win in life and esp if you're mentally ill and disordered and traumatized#and also just extremely sensitive even if u could choose u would choose to feel nothing#but ppl always complain no matter what i do :// im always doing smth wrong smth bad#like i didnt ask for everything that happened to me to happend and i didnt ask for it to shape me#and i dont want this or be like this bc my life is nothing but a miserable worthless waste of space#but im trying but im all alone in a dark hole like 12ft underground#and people who might see me wont do anything to help or just walk on their merry way#they will take a shovel and shovel even more dirt on top of me and make it even harder for me to crawl out of this hole#and like idek what im talking abt but this world is insane and people are fucking insane#and all everyone has is judgement and cruelness and calousness and like#ppl are just mean and they get personally attacked and angry if you dont live according to their standards and views and idk#ppl are insane and i feel so alone and im lying here knowing that my life is absolutely nothing#and im tired and i just wanna not exist. but really all i want is for someone to look me in the eyes and tell me i matter bc ive never#wanted to be saved. i've only ever wanted to be seen and known and like idfk.... i just dont#feel good but as always... i have to lie here alone and try not to kms bc i dont have anyone to ask to just talk to me for a little moment#like i cant even imagine... asking someone like hey i wanna kms pls talk to me for a moment#and have them reply immediately and idk i wouldnt even need long just like 10 minutes.#sigh idek what im rambling on abt im just so sick and tired and exhausted and i dont wanna die not really#but im so exhausted bc i have to carry this pain every day and people are so fucking awful but i dont wanna be alone and i just dont know
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tinta--branca--art · 3 months
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I took my sweet time playing through @diasporatheblog these past few months and finally brought myself to finish it yesterday (so sad it's over sobs)
#diaspora game#diaspora#cog#if#interactive fiction#sangarinus#sangarinus nabor#tintabrancaart#tintabrancaocs#tintabrancaocfalgaraile#if you saw me post this twice u didnt. tumblr loves to hate me sigh sigh#anyway !!#this game waow#ancient rome is a huge fication for me so castulia was a treat to explore and visualise#esp bc the game doesnt take place in the capital (rather in a port city which. yesssss)#okok so my fool falgaraile (falga to their friends).. they/it legend#they're a bit more on the serious side wrt personality#partly bc of the stress of their responsibilities but also bc they're fairly straightforward in their manner#it's exhausted by the wars and conflicts around clan maghnus which def contribute to the stress#refreshed and looking forward to the possibility of peace. looks at balthasar#falga's eye got eviscerated in a raid when it was a teenager so now they have a prettified prosthetic in its place#some scars on their legs too but yea#it turns out you cant big brain your way out of every fight !! and it learned the hard way lmao#but yeye gosh i used a mixture of diaspora's worldbuilding and celtiberian material culture as refs for their design#because that is where my heart lies :'D#oh and sang !! i didnt go too hard on his design because it's a little more set in stone already#i love him he's such a lil (big) guy.. my buddy my pal. mwah#i have a very strong mental image of his face so i had to give it a few tries to really nail down#im glad w how it came out !!#ahh okok i need to rest but yes i love diaspora i love the setting and characters :'D i will be replaying it while i still can
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