#im so sad and lonely and im overthinking literally everything | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sehunniepotwrites · 11 months

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HAAAAAAAI i'm so glad i could bring a smile to your face in your day through my messages heheheheh ☺️ how was your day today!!!

omg is this telepathy or what! i was just considering and thinking of whether i wanted to pursue a masters after finishing up my undergrad degree studies!! hehe what's your masters in if it's not too private to ask 🫢 i was just thinking of doing masters because of my current timeline!! it's rly rly tuff to find a job here after graduating because the mkt is currently just kinda meh :/ so i was just wondering if perhaps going for masters would put me in a better spot!! but then again masters is something i can decide at a later time so rn im just gathering opinions from ppl who have taken it! wbu!! do u have any thoughts or opinions? :")

OMGGGGGG have i mentioned im a SUCKER for childhood besties concepts cuz that's just so so so cute 🥹🥹 I LOVE IT I CANT WAIT!!!! 😍 and my goodness how r u alw so creative w your ideas??? iM so unimaginative that like stories alw amaze me 🫢 hehehehe and HELLO wdym u have a life like a fic odnfoenfoke THATS SO COOL AND SWEET N LOVELY gosh i'd WISH i had like one thing from a fic ever happen to me 🥰🥰🥰🥰

AHHHH im so glad u could meet your friends and hang out together!! wish u had as much fun as u possibly could!! hehehehe how nice would it be if we could always be hanging out w our besties and just spending time together 🥺 hope you guys r meeting again soon!!! sounds rly rly fun to karaoke together it's been so so long for me to both karaoke and meet my friends cuz literally everyone im close to or care about is on exchange this semester :/

which brings me to my never ending rant of how despresso espresso i am this semester >< it's a rly tuff time in my life rn cuz im trying to navigate and find an internship that matches both my interest and my degree cuz it is a graduation requirement for me 🤡 i guess im at least getting somewhere w the search cuz i did have a pretti good offer lately! and im currently just pending the outcome of another role i interviewed for under the same company before making a decision (if i do get offered by the other role too heh) 😊 but then im just rly rly LONELY this semester and im just sad cuz im attending classes and doing everything by myself :/ and i dont have friends arnd locally rn that i could meet and just unwind after a period of stress so its rly draining me a lot on top of my never ending assignments projects and exams 🥲🥲 and yea ldr is so so tough and its so hard to keep my emotions in check because of how big of an overthinker i am so im always just having sleepless nights, constant nightmares and sometimes even sleep paralysis 🥲 i guess im becoming more independent from this whole experience though! forces me to become a whole even without everyone by my side and to continue living and functioning, doing what i should be doing!

i love coming to talk to u and reading all your responses too!! 🩵 m alw looking forward to your replies and your kind words to me hehehehe keeps me going!!!

love, 🍑

i've spent the weekend in bed becuase i'm sick again! i binged s2 of the summer i turned pretty and i cried a whole bunch. i love how they really took the angsty route this season--really showed how diff people deal with grief! probs gonna call out tomorrow because i've been sneezing like crazy and my voice is lowkey gone ;; i think i'm gonna try to get some writing done and post a teaser for a story that may never be completed but it's too good to just stay in my drafts!!

oh sure, i have my masters in education. i went thru a one year ma program with a teacher's cred tied into it too. my program was unique in that they condensed a two year prog into one accelerated and it was the toughest year of my life tbh. working full time as a teacher and going to school full time for basically two degrees was tough.

i love all my ideas but i haven't been able to finish them!!! i really want to get them out to the world bc theyre too good to sit in my drafts but it's so incomplete!! the one i am thinking about posting can be a standalone because its such an open-ended ending but there's still WAY more planned for it.

if you have time, playing games together online is a good way to keep in contact. we played pictionary on a website and it was super fun during the pandemic a lot!

it looks like youre slowly getting your ducks in a row for the internship despite the stress! but i see how missing your so and friends can affect your mood. feeling alone is never the best feeling and i totally see where you are coming from. but look at you, you're already looking at the positives out of your stressful situation! that's so great! you can only go up from here, you know? and listen, this is something i always tell my students, each person has their own timeline--their own time to make mistakes, to figure out what they want or need, etc. you may take longer than others but you don't need to worry about others. worry about you and focus on the things you can do for yourself to make you better. and if you make a mistake, that's just a lesson you can take. it's all about your growth mindset!

love u lots!!!

#🍑anon #nikki replies

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just-some-random-blogger · 2 years

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happy Valentines day, me lovie! you better feel all the love im mentally giving you! we dont really celebrate it but if you do, hope today you fell x1000 loved than usual if its possible. 'you made a tie from scratch' yeah its a gift for a friend. 'I FELT SO BAD THAT MY GRANDMA HAD TO DO THAT' ig she wasnt feeling that bad bc she did it for you and (i hope) she loves you. im sorry for your dressmaking elective( i liked them at school. 'i was really tired cos i was overthinking about my assignments' oooh im so sorry for you poor girl TT im glad its ok. or was ok. hows it? 'there was unfortunately no place to bury' cities suck when it comes to these things. 'BECAUSE IF ST PETERSBURG CAN GET 30 DEGS WTF' 1) its not the north-north so the climat is more continental 2) idk what about you but i feel global warming strongly💀 its literally hotter. while in my childhood the snow in my hometown started to fall in the beginning of october, now its nearly november? its like a BIG thing. 'now you believe in science /:' ?? 'people like veiny hands on men' 1) not only 2) i like your talented hands on you, veiny or not. 'society makes me questions things about myself' our society is VERY questionable itself so? maybe we all need to make IT question itself. it has too much fetishizm about everything. when a mere part of humans body becomes not just an instrument for living but an object for filthy jokes and sexulizing? its awful. i want to talk about how beauty dont exist and all TT guys we wanted to be more open-minded and get rid of stereotypes but weve gone wrong way ig TT 'DO PART TWOS WHEN IM SO AGAINST THEM' i said if you want to! you absolutely dont have to. 'if you knew of my stark' did you forget how i literally requested the part with caraxes TT 'who’s the actor?' danila kozlovsky. you dont get it rn but i cringed SM when i found out TT he used to be a popular young actor, the most handsome. but now he makes pure cringe and acts bad TT 'force myself to be confident enough to share them' omg i didnt even know you can draw??? you totally should share EVERYTHING you want. They keep talkin’, I keep walkin' yk? itzys not lying. ensaymada looks good. im so sorry for what it did to you TT hope today you feel alright? 'I DONT GET IT' i dont know how to help you further TT 'you didnt even say anything!' im sure i did TT but ok if you dont like doctor who im not gonna foce you to watch it. im not cruel yk 'AEMMA WOULS SO BE HIS SUPPORTIVE BESTIE' #aemma and daemon chaotic besties x #vissy and yn mom besties. i believe my truth. im blind to anything else. 'i would be so sad if i knew you were a lonely eternal being' yk its literally doctor who.... i have a heartbreaking dw idea but i know no authors TT nvm. youre such a precious lovely cutie🥺 thanks for all love you give to me TT im luvluvluv you<з 'rhaenyras a baby' i said BACK then TT like when the first daemon died and all TT was rhae a baby? was aemma alive?... 'theres only one daemon and thats me' HFJJDJ how presumptuously of him esp when the daemon yn loved, was married to and waited for is the old daemon I (was he first? i dont remember). 'aegon would take it worse' no but in this case itll be even worse bc hed be completely alone. hed have noone to share this news and his feelings with... like yn is occupied with daemon, aemonds in disbelief, royal family is another thing so hes alone. alone with his broken heart, with his shock and with his alcoholism( i can imagine one (1) night vissy take daemon to event so yn have a spare night and she go to the bar it all started in to see her pretty boy. and by the end of his shift hes drinking and crying and screaming telling yn how he loved her and needed a couple of words from her but she was too busy with dae. 'if we make it past p5' its already 3 and you had so many plans... 'its like smth you say when you wanna manifest' oh cute. love learning the stories behind some media things. 'im interested' i was supposed to write it here but ive no symbols TT so stay positive! have a good day! be my valentine! take care! luv u<з

VALENTINES DAY IS A CAPITALISM PLOT BUT HAPPY HEARTS DAY

happy Valentines day, me lovie! you better feel all the love im mentally giving you!

what if i dont

we dont really celebrate it but if you do, hope today you fell x1000 loved than usual if its possible.

i dont celebrate it either but thank you <3 i appreciate it <3

'you made a tie from scratch' yeah its a gift for a friend.

AW THATS SO SWEET

'I FELT SO BAD THAT MY GRANDMA HAD TO DO THAT' ig she wasnt feeling that bad bc she did it for you and (i hope) she loves you.

?????????? SHE NAMED THE CAT PUTOL FOR US?????? HAHAHAHA HELP????

im sorry for your dressmaking elective( i liked them at school.

i remember waiting for that year to end so badly because i HATED every day i had to go there

'i was really tired cos i was overthinking about my assignments' oooh im so sorry for you poor girl TT im glad its ok. or was ok. hows it?

its fine i felt super stupid cause i had no idea what to do and my head hurt and i was ont he brink of tears and i did myself a favor and escaped n wrote a pedro pascal fic to feel better. i didnt i hated it. i thought it was so unfunny and bad so i was SO T_T to touched and happy to wake up to so many people saying that they laughed so hard because of it T_T

'there was unfortunately no place to bury' cities suck when it comes to these things.

cities = L

'BECAUSE IF ST PETERSBURG CAN GET 30 DEGS WTF' 1) its not the north-north so the climat is more continental 2) idk what about you but i feel global warming strongly💀 its literally hotter. while in my childhood the snow in my hometown started to fall in the beginning of october, now its nearly november? its like a BIG thing.

NO UR SO RIGHT it used to be so aesthetically warm #goldenhour during 8am here, you could stay in the sun and get a tan. NOW 7AM SUNLIGHT BURNS ITS FUCKING CANCER ITS HORRIBLE

'now you believe in science /:' ??

HAHAH COS U WERE LIKE 0 deg is fine when i was like ITS SCIENTIFICALLY FREEZING POINT /: HAHHAAH

'people like veiny hands on men' 1) not only 2) i like your talented hands on you, veiny or not. 'society makes me questions things about myself' our society is VERY questionable itself so? maybe we all need to make IT question itself.

it has too much fetishizm about everything. when a mere part of humans body becomes not just an instrument for living but an object for filthy jokes and sexulizing? its awful. i want to talk about how beauty dont exist and all TT guys we wanted to be more open-minded and get rid of stereotypes but weve gone wrong way ig TT

ur so right. but based on this one tiktok i watched where she was a criminology major, she talked about how everything sexualized that isnt sex organs are fetish so and it really made me go, she gotta point cos a child i never understood what it was about boobs or butts? its social conditioning. ig humans just kinky and L

'DO PART TWOS WHEN IM SO AGAINST THEM' i said if you want to! you absolutely dont have to.

but i love you 😡

'if you knew of my stark' did you forget how i literally requested the part with caraxes TT

i did 😗🍵👌 #signs of aging

'who’s the actor?' danila kozlovsky. you dont get it rn but i cringed SM when i found out TT he used to be a popular young actor, the most handsome. but now he makes pure cringe and acts bad TT

WAIT OMG FR I LOVE DANILA HE WAS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I LOVE RUSSIAN NAMES BECAUSE HIS NAME IS LITERALLY 'FEMENINE' AT LEAST TO ME COS AGAIN SPAIN AND FEM SPANISH NAMES END WITH A WAIT WHY IS HE CRINGE NOW T_T i watched him in vampire academy and i LOVEEEEEDDD the film, it was such a shame they never continued and apparently the new series is SO BAD so bad that they changed danila's character who is russian to someone english, and i saw a post talking about how integral him being russian was for his character T_T so HAHAHAHAHA RIP

anyway mayhap you think its cringe but idk i love stuff like that HAHAH brb im gonna go look for vampire academy stuff AHAHA

ok im back its mixed with the tv show so i couldnt find much

'force myself to be confident enough to share them' omg i didnt even know you can draw??? you totally should share EVERYTHING you want.

T_T im trying. i have drawings on my instagram so if you want to see them theyre there

They keep talkin’, I keep walkin' yk? itzys not lying.

queens

ensaymada looks good. im so sorry for what it did to you TT hope today you feel alright?

ngl im thinking about eating one right now and my body said NO now i feel like puking T_T

'I DONT GET IT' i dont know how to help you further TT

it be like that

'you didnt even say anything!' im sure i did TT but ok if you dont like doctor who im not gonna foce you to watch it. im not cruel yk

T_T GIVE ME AN EPISODE AN EPISODE NUMBER GIVE ME IT AND ILL WATCH IT YOU WHINY BABY

'AEMMA WOULS SO BE HIS SUPPORTIVE BESTIE' #aemma and daemon chaotic besties x #vissy and yn mom besties. i believe my truth. im blind to anything else.

YOUR TRUTH IS SO CANON

'i would be so sad if i knew you were a lonely eternal being' yk its literally doctor who.... i have a heartbreaking dw idea but i know no authors TT nvm.

you can tell me. i know the doctor well enough to write it if i wanted. all i need is those 3 episodes [crack knuckles]

youre such a precious lovely cutie🥺 thanks for all love you give to me TT im luvluvluv you<з

'rhaenyras a baby' i said BACK then TT like when the first daemon died and all TT was rhae a baby? was aemma alive?...

ah ok HAHAH. idk we'll see how everyone reacts. nah yn is her second wife. daemon karate chopped rhea like the rat he is cos hes a man bOOO ok NVM NVM I WANT READER TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH AEMMA SO NO SHE IS DAEMONS FIRST WIFE THE ONE AND THE ONLY <3

'theres only one daemon and thats me' HFJJDJ how presumptuously of him esp when the daemon yn loved, was married to and waited for is the old daemon I (was he first? i dont remember).

i made him the first. i did breath research and i think he actually is the first and if he wasnt stfu he was. and YES this man is as audacious as it can get. he got it twisted. though to be fair, he IS the daemon I reincarnated so he's technically also not wrong he IS the only one that matters

'aegon would take it worse' no but in this case itll be even worse bc hed be completely alone. hed have noone to share this news and his feelings with...

brb going to change my mind about who yn ends up with

like yn is occupied with daemon, aemonds in disbelief, royal family is another thing so hes alone. alone with his broken heart, with his shock and with his alcoholism

watch me make the yn and the aegon pipelines real

( i can imagine one (1) night vissy take daemon to event so yn have a spare night and she go to the bar it all started in to see her pretty boy. and by the end of his shift hes drinking and crying and screaming telling yn how he loved her and needed a couple of words from her but she was too busy with dae.

HELP. ok. im going to add that.

if we make it past p5' its already 3 and you had so many plans...

SHUT UP. let me finish this fic in 5 parts dammit T_T

'its like smth you say when you wanna manifest' oh cute. love learning the stories behind some media things.

HAHAHAHAH you know that married member in BigBang? Taeyang? apparent his wife did that too so the more you know. a lot posters in the ph used those two things in posts haha

'im interested' i was supposed to write it here but ive no symbols TT

HAAAHA ok

so stay positive! have a good day! be my valentine! take care! luv u<з

im hungry. i hope you also have and will continue to have a good day <3 i love you take care of yourself

xxx

#slavyanskiyahui cutie #anon ask #my beloved anons #modern!daemon anon #ask #modern!daemon nonnie

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astranva · 2 years

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if thats the case then bestie same... im literally so lonely like i WANT a bf but i've been on my own for so long and i cant just suddenly get a bf (like at least talking stage) and text 24/7, hang out like at least twice a week w them, ect. like i cant just break my cycle that i subconsciously made for myself yk? its hard like i want to but i cant. my brain would not allow it. and texting/calling/talking to them would feel like a chore instead no matter how much i like them😭

also i heard ppl on twitter say things ab how chris have a commitment issues? i totally get it though. he's huge in this industry and its all ab followers and money these days right? metrics matter and thats scary. especially when we factor in the fact that he's been in this industry for over 22 years?! its his life, its all he know

plus with him being a family oriented guy, its even more scary for him to open up to other ppl and letting them into his sacred place (his family) right? also also, he's an anxious person from what we can see right? and that mostly lead to overthinking. so im sure there's too many 'what ifs' question in his head. there's just so many things to factor in so i totally understand him. too close to home, im extra sad, help

no but i get you so much because in a way, i relate to what you said, only that i decided that i don’t want any relationships lol. you make so much sense, it’s crazy to me how relatable this is. it all feels like a chore, yes! and i don’t want to share all myself with someone??? i don’t want anyone knowing everything about me 💀

chris definitely doesn’t have it easy, but i hope he’s also working on himself because i’m pretty sure he definitely has some issues lol. he’s not perfect. but i hope he finds that person who’ll complete him because from his words, he feels incomplete 🥹 ughh stop or i’ll cry

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96xie · 5 years

Text

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

#phew #old mutuals im on twtr! keep in contact with me there!

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traiinedhard-a · 5 years

Text

[ CHARACTER STUDY; SAITAMA & GENOS ]

THE FOLLOWING ANALYSIS CAN GO EITHER PLATONICALLY VIEWED OR ROMANTICALLY FOR THE DUO. i don’t care how you interpret it. go nuts! just know this is long as fuck.

I’m so GLAD Genos and Saitama have each other now. Without each other,,, genos would be wrecklessly trying to push himself to the point of near death and saitama would be wallowing in his own depression but now saitama has something to look forward to talking wise and genos has someone who cares so much about his well-being that he refuses to let him try and basically kill himself like the way he used to. now genos has someone who actually worries if he'll make it through a fight instead of just trying to self destruct at everything he just about loses to. he has been given a safer and more realistic goal to look forward to and he's become more relaxed. saitama's been able to be more expressive since he's constantly with genos, and he doesn't feel as empty because he feels like he has a reason to live now. it's clear that when they're apart saitama worries endlessly for genos (and once worries that something horrific would happen to genos if he were by himself) but without genos around he immediately goes back to his old, lonely ways and feels so unbearably sad and lonely that even king's like "shit man. u ok". and guess what? the moment he sees genos is safe and not dead or hanging on by a string, he’s IMMEDIATELY far happier and even visibly cheers up, and king’s like “WOAH you look awfully refreshed” and saitama’s like “yeah dude my head’s suddenly clear” and if that isn’t love then i don’t know what is.

Of course kuseno cares if genos almost dies, but the thing is, kuseno seems to be just as bent on finding that cyborg as genos is. I feel like... though kuseno still cares for genos PERIOD, he seems to be pretty iffy on the fact that genos has been given more realistic goals to shoot for by saitama and even comments "you're seriously trying to aim for be s rank 1? is that what your master told you to do? what happened to getting vengence against the mad cyborg? where's your passion for that?" and genos is just. shocked and doesn't even reply for a moment and he's like "uh.. i mean.. OF COURSE i still want vengence but i gotta do what sensei wants.." etcBut I do think kuseno notes that this is for the better anyways, iffy feelings or not, because at least genos isn't basiclaly dragging himself in every single week and in tatters, because hell, while genos is strong even when saitama and him first met what was his solution to battles he couldn't win, and even sometimes now? use my core, self destruct, im not worthy of defeating the borg if im losing to this, time to end it, sorry dr kuseno, family, master etc Now Saitama steps in, and I was just REMINDED OF THIS SCENE IN PARTICULAR but like the arc where saitama knocks out genos in the middle of him and sonic’s fight? He was concerned for genos and as someone who rarely expresses concern or care for others, don't you think it's very telling that he stepped in on his own volition to make sure genos didn't get hurt to beat sonic's ass?even sonic comments "are you trying to protect him?" and saitama's like "yeah, of course" and he's clearly getting serious because he doesn't want genos hurt. hell, he even basically ghosted fubuki the moment he saw genos and sonic fighting! saitama really does worry a lot for genos and some of the things he worries about are really concerning.. but this isn't the first time he's been pretty scared for genos. remember the deep sea king fight? he was afraid genos bit the dust there for a it and even visibly relaxes when he finds out genos is okay and he says "Don't ever scare me like that again!" As for the saitama part of things, it's not hard to see the difference of before genos vs after genos. Genos brought color to his world and gave him company, and it's what he claims he never wanted but it's clear how much it helped him. I feel like if it weren't for genos, saitama would be just as shelled up if not more than he used to be -- he didn't really have much of anything to do and it's obvious he was starting to get bored of... life, to put it lightly. But when genos basically asserts himself into his life? he starts to feel again. he's not moping all the time, he has somebody to talk to instead of harmfully isolating himself. he's the kind of guy who was alone with his thoughts for too long -- we get glimpses of it every now and them, but we can clearly tell that he's got a lot of sad emotional baggage. it all stems from being too strong, ofc. but, still, he is DEEPLY troubled by it and life basically lost all meaning for him. any farther and i feel like he would've legitimately felt like existing was useless, though with a body like his i highly doubt he could take... action. And the longer he's alone with his thoughts, the worse he gets, and he just becomes so... mopey. forgive me if i sound repetitive, but like!! genos comes in, and all of that is GONE within a few days. He must've spilled about how lonely he felt to genos at some point before he started getting closer to him -- based on the canon info where saitama actually got genos to cry uncontrollably when he told him how lonely he felt which had to have been some serious shit because. genos does NOT cry. with someone else to keep him away from his thoughts, he started to lighten up. at the beginning of the series it's safe to say he was pretty damn standoffish -- but now? now he's actually attempting to socialize with other people, he actually hangs out with more people whether he wants to admit it or not. He's become a bit softer (not much) to those he doesn't know, and DEFINITELY more expressive -- ESPECIALLY AROUND genos. he's become more thoughtful -- he doesn't mope about his powers much anymore, he does anything and everything with genos because he can talk about it and lose himself in the moment. At least, that's what i like to think. and all around... he's found a new passion for life. the dude isn't just wandering around aimlessly now, he's hanging out with genos and he's living to protect the citizens and genos after he moved in. Yeah, he's always gonna have a strong moral compass and save people, but the joy and the meaning of such actions fall to black and white until genos shows up again. now he's got a reason to keep fighting. he has a reason to get out of bed and feel like his strength means something -- because he can use it to protect others and protect genos even if nobody but genos is thankful of it. As much as he detests the attention he gets from Genos -- think about it, don't you think it helps to have someone think you're not totally useless? That your work does mean something to at least one person even if the world basically gives you the finger? Because I don't think saitama realizes it, but Genos is the one thing keeping him going in the hero job. I honestly think he would have quit when everyone chanted at him to give it up after destroying that meteor if it wasn't for genos -- he saved everyone's lives, and genos was the only one to see it. genos is the one that gets him to calm down and realize that if they don't care, that doesn't matter -- he'd always be there for saitama And anyways, the gist of all this goes back to my first point -- it's amazing that they have each other now, because imagine all the development and all the ways they've been improving just never existing. Without Saitama, genos would still be the same wreckless kid trying to throw himself without thought into wreckless battles. Saitama has helped him heed himself on that, and to relax and stop taking everything so seriously. Genos still takes some things too literally., like the 10-20 word limit when talking to saitama, but I feel like half the time, Saitama couldn't really care less. Without Genos, Saitama would be the same old sad sack of hero he used to be, holed up and his depression worsening because he hardly ever leaves the apartment but for what? Sales? Manga? Sometimes Monsters if he happens to run into them? He doesn't do much of anything and it took a heavy toll on his mental health, but now Genos is there to get him out, to possibly even comfort him or just support him if he needs it. He gets Saitama out of the house, involved ina lot of other activities, and when Genos isn't around, Saitama... doesn't fare too well at all. //COUGHS LOUDLY@ THE MANGA REFERENCED EARLIER (( and personally, despite saitama coming off as almost always :^| i feel like the poor guy really really overthinks things. you may think there's nothing going on in there, but his thoughts really are dangerous for him to be alone with )) Romance or not, there’s no denying this. Like, I DARE anyone to try to say they would be good w/o each other -- I feel like so much of the fandom takes this kinda.. not seriously? It’s not really meant as a dig or anything, but a lot of ppl take what they have for granted..

Saitama just wants to be carefree and he’s still very much lax, and even though he knows he’s a shitty teacher, I think that he does a great job of teaching genos that there’s more to life than REVENGE, SELF DESTRUCTION, and FIGHTING. He teaches him to enjoy the little things in life, and Genos rejuvenates his passion for heroism. I feel like Genos wants to be strong physically and that’s why he so heavily admires Saitama, too, but that’s a bit off topic. It’s something Saitama’s been missing for a long time, and something Genos never had -- he just wants Genos to feel as human as possible, and I feel like he tries all too hard to get Saitama to open up as well. Genos may not be the best at therapy or whatever, but seeing as he’s the person Saitama is closest to, he definitely does want Saitama to feel like he’s never alone and I just. Cannot stress how IMPORTANT THIS IS. Saitama’s got a history of bottling everything up and avoiding confrontation, But Genos? The cyborg wears his heart on his SLEEVE, even if he probably wouldn’t view it that way himself. Thanks to him, Saitama can be himself. He doesn’t have to hide away what he really acts like -- not that he cared much for it anyways -- but around genos he can be.. childish. He can be difficult. He can be whatever he wants, and no matter what, Genos will be there to support him. And I really, really admire that. ONE & Murata did them the best justice i’ve ever seenwith a relationship like theirs. And if there was ever anyone to get romantic with for them -- not even as a shipper, but from a story pov -- saigenos makes so much more sense. They bring out the BEST in each other, and they live together, and... well,, THIS post sums up all my feelings on the matter.

Genos wants to help Saitama in whatever way he can. Saitama wants to make sure Genos lives out his life like any normal person would. You get the gist?

sO. IN CONCLUSION, Saitama and genos may not realize it.... but they definitely need each other. Them meeting was for the best of both of their lives -- and without each other there's no way in HELL they'd be doing as good as they are now.

#OKAY RANT OVER #I KNOW IT'S A JUMBLED MESS BUT HNNNNNNN #⌠jonesy speaks⌡#okay to reblog #⌠character study; jonesy rambles⌡

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t0ngue-tech · 6 years

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All Yours | Five

“Out of all of the dumb things you’ve done in your life, this one takes the cake. Yoongi was already dealing with a lot on his plate and you just had to kiss him, thus adding more stress and confusion. You thought back to the moment you opened your eyes while kissing him and how angelic he seemed to look with his eyes closed. You loved the image so much, it made you feel even worse.”

↠vanilla angst lmao, slight fluff???? universityAU↞

word count: 3.2k

↠series: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 6 | 7 | ↞

A/N: HELLLLO MY FINE FRIENDS HOW ARE YOU GUISE!!! school started today /sweats nervously/ and im already stressed out??? i hope this will lighten your mood a bit! and i know this is a lot shorter than the previous parts but there will be more!! enjoy yall ^-^

Five minutes? Thirty? An hour? You weren’t sure how long you were sitting on the floor, but your legs and your butt were numb from keeping them pinned to your chest. Tears soaked the cotton of your sweats and the skin of your forearm. Your breathing was labored and it literally felt like your chest was caving in from crying too much. You had your phone pressed against your ear and you weren’t even sure if the screen was wet, but you didn’t care about anything else at this point.

“Y/n, take deep breaths. Deep. Breaths.” Hani spoke soothingly. You took shaky deep breaths. It wasn’t ideal, but Hani still complimented your efforts. “Okay, listen to me babe, it’s okay, okay?”

You let out a sharp sob. “It’s not okay, Hani. I promised you that I wouldn’t cross any lines and—and then I fucking kissed Yoongi!” Your breathing became jagged again and there was a harsh pain in your stomach almost making you want to vomit.

Hani let out a sigh. “Fuck the promise, y/n. Give yourself—and Yoongi—some time for yourselves. You said that he didn’t push you away, right? He kissed you back?” You subconsciously nodded your head. “It’s obvious that he’s feeling something or has something going on in his mind and you two need to talk things out. It may not be now or tomorrow, but you will need to.”

You stayed quiet, letting yourself catch your breath and let her words sink in.

“Promise me this. No matter what you two talk about, just keep me in the loop. You can tell me as little or as much as you want. I just don’t want you spiraling.”

“I—I promise, Hani.” You lifted your head, feeling the strain on the back of your neck from keeping your face buried in your arms for too long.

“Good. Now get a good night’s rest. Once your head hits that pillow bam! You’re out.” Hani laughed.

“Yeah.” You chuckled, finding the strength the smile again. “Yeah, I will. Thank you, Hani. For everything.” Fresh tears began to brim your eyes and you weren’t even sure why this time.

“Anytime. Love you!” Hani sang and you whispered love you, too before hanging up.

Besides the heavy rain beating against your windows, your dorm was back to being quiet and lonely. You finally stretched out your legs and pulled the collar shirt up to your eyes and used it to wipe away any tears.

Out of all of the dumb things you’ve done in your life, this one takes the cake. Yoongi was already dealing with a lot on his plate and you just had to kiss him, thus adding more stress and confusion. You thought back to the moment you opened your eyes while kissing him and how angelic he seemed to look with his eyes closed. You loved the image so much, it made you feel even worse.

Hani was right. You needed some sleep after crying for what seemed to be hours. She was also right about needing time before talking to Yoongi. Even if you wanted to call him, he really did need more time to process things and come to terms with himself. You blew out a shaky breath and stuffed your phone in one of the pockets of your sweats.

“Good night to me, I guess.” You mumbled. You stood up and not long after standing, there were three loud knocks at your door. Being as exhausted as you were, you almost didn’t want to open your door, but your gut told you to open it.

You unlocked your door with weak fingers and was greeted with a very wet version of Yoongi. His entire body was soaked from head to toe and there was a puddle that was starting to form from where he was standing. He kept his eyes at his toes and his arms were kept to his sides. It didn’t register at first, but it finally hit you that the boy who just kissed less than an hour ago was standing in front of you.

“Oh my god, Y-Yoongi!” You blurted out and pulled him in by the hem of his t-shirt. “You’re going to get sick. Go to the bathroom and I’ll see if I can find some of your old clothes in my closet...and I don’t mean to be uptight, but don’t bring your shoes throughout my dorm, okay?” You waited for a verbal response, but instead, he began to fumble with his shoes and that gave you the cue to search for his clothes.

Is this a sign? You rummaged through your closet to find any of his shirts that you didn’t alter. Yoongi showed up to your dorm a lot earlier than what you had planned in your head and he wasn’t saying anything either. Maybe he was still shock? Shit, you still were.

You were able to find his university t-shirt, a pair of basketball shorts, and boxer shorts that you stole because you liked the donut design. You peeked from your room and saw your bathroom light on and the door opened about an inch. You approached slowly and quietly and knocked softly.

“Yoongi?” Your voice came out as a whisper. “Here you go. You can just use my towel and then have a seat in my room. I’m going to make you something to eat.” There was still no verbal response from Yoongi. He slightly opened the door and held out his hands for you to hand over his clothes. You waited a short while before heading back into your kitchen to heat up a hot pocket and brew two cups of coffee.

Seeing Yoongi at your door, your first instinct was to ask why he was here, but seeing his appearance changed your priorities. From what you could see, there was a distant look in his eye. He seemed out of it—like the air was knocked right out of his lungs. You didn’t want to pry, but your gut was telling you it had something to do with Seolhyun considering he left your dorm to see her. Sadly, you didn’t have the heart to confront him about him relationship because of what you did. You stopped halfway towards your room thinking about Seolhyun. What if she broke up with him because of what you did? Oh god…

You swallowed the lump in your throat and proceeded to your room where Yoongi was sitting on your bed with your towel draped over his head. He had his focused stilled on his lap or his feet—either way, he was looking down. You walked over towards your night stand to place the tray of coffee and food and he didn’t react to your presence at all.

“Y-Yoongi.” You choked on his name and cleared your throat. “C-Can I sit?” Your voice was trembling and you didn’t even realize it.

Yoongi nodded his head and reached for his coffee without saying a word. The air around you was thick and stale; you could reach out and grab it. When you sat on your bed, you kept at least two feet between you two, you kept your knees together and pointed in the opposite direction of Yoongi.

Besides the rain and Yoongi’s occasional sips of coffee, it was dead silent and it was driving you crazy. You fought with yourself on the inside trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. Asking him how he was doing didn’t seem fair and starting off with a casual “hello” didn’t seem right either.

“U-Um—”

“She was having sex with Seung Ho.”

Yoongi’s words were flat and it rang through your head like a flatline. Your jaw dropped slightly and your eyes widened. Out of all the things he could have said, those words were the last you ever expected to hear.

“I’m—Yoongi, I’m so sorry.” You turned your body to face him and for the first time, Yoongi finally looked at you. His eyes were glazed and wore an expression of disbelief.

“Seolhyun… she cheated—in her dorm, she was having—” Yoongi chewed on his bottom lip, trying to make sense of it all and honestly, you didn’t know how either. He brought one of his hands to cover his eyes and it broke your heart. Yoongi was never like this. He never showed any weakness in a form of sadness so this sight was difficult.

You carefully reached over and took the coffee mug out of his hand. It was a risky move to have physical contact with him, but he needed comfort, so you reached out and hugged him close to your shoulder. He wrapped his arms around your middle and his muffled sobs filled the room.

You felt horrible. First, you kissed Yoongi, completely throwing himself off his game. Then, when he goes to meet with his actual girlfriend, he finds out that she had cheated on him that night. Maybe she did this to get back at him for always hanging out with you? No, no, y/n. Focus on Yoongi. Stop overthinking.

It took awhile for Yoongi to calm down, but you sat there quietly, rubbing his shoulders. He later released you but kept face near the crook of your neck.

“Do you want some water, Yoongs?” You whispered.

“No.” He sniffed. “No, I’m okay.” He took shallow breaths and you gently rubbed the back of his neck, still feeling the wet ends of his hair.

“I’m gonna grab by blow dryer. I’ll dry your hair now so you can get some rest.” You shifted your weight to let him know you were going to stand up, but circled on of your wrists with his hands.

“You’ve been crying.” Yoongi’s blood shot eyes stared into your own. Right now wasn’t the best time to talk about your incident, so you pressed your lips together and wriggled yourself free before he could say anything else.

Thankfully, Yoongi’s hair was short which meant drying his hair didn’t take eight hours. As soon as you were done, Yoongi quickly finished his hot pocket and you cleared the dishes. While drying the cups, you took a second to collect your thoughts. You weren’t ready to talk about the kiss so you had to make sure to keep the focus on Seolhyun. Yoongi was in a painful situation, now was not the time to bring up your inability to have self control.

By the time you entered your room, Yoongi was lying down near the wall with his hands resting on his stomach and eyes glued to the ceiling. Was it selfish of you to want to want to sleep on the couch?

“Y/n?” Yoongi’s voice startled you.

“Y-Yeah?” You tiptoed over the empty spot on your bed and you sat down with your legs crossed.

“I’ve been a horrible boyfriend, haven’t I?” You had to fight the urge to shove him or raise your voice at him.

“No? What the hell, Yoongi? What are you even saying?!” The tone in your voice sounded a bit too agitated for your liking.

“I mean, I must’ve done something wrong for her to cheat on me. I should’ve paid more attention to her or maybe—” Not wanting to hear anymore, you reached over to put your hand over his mouth.

“Jesus, Yoongi, listen to me.” You sighed. “You gave her so much of her attention, but she made the choice spend her time elsewhere. Cheating is also a choice and just like she made the decision to do other things, she chose to have sex with Seung Ho.” Talking about cheating burned a hole in your heart because hell, you fucking kissed the dude. You told yourself to wait, but the apology inside of you was ready to burst.

“Yoongi, I’m—I’m sorry for kissing you.” You didn’t stop there. “Kissing you was way out of line and I made that choice to do it, so I don’t even know why I’m sitting here trying to lecture you about choices when I made the dumb decision to—”

Yoongi sat up quickly and it was his turn to cover your mouth with his hand. “It’s okay, y/n. I promise you it’s fine.” For the first time since he arrived, he smiled. It was a weak one, but you were glad to see the corners of his mouth stretch upward. “I uh, I had to tell Seolhyun what happened, but I told her that I kissed you instead.”

Your eyes widened to its fullest potential and your jaw dropped. “Oh god, Yoongi. Why would you say that? It—It was my fault—”

“Hey, hey, calm down, it’s alright. It’s kind of true anyway, I did...kiss you…” He whispered quietly at the end. “And I felt guilty for that, so I knew I had to tell Seolhyun. I never thought… in a million years that she would…” You subconsciously reached out to hold his hand and before you could come to your senses, he held it.

“Did she say anything to you?”

He scoffed. “I barely let her talk, but she was pressed about me kissing you. That’s about it.” The crease in between his eyebrows deepened. “I felt guilty for kissing you, while she and Seung Ho…”

“Yoongi, I’m really really sorry that you had to witness all of that…” You said sadly.

“I ended it right there.”

You sighed quietly and gripped his hand a bit tighter. What more could you tell him? It was quiet after that and you both just sat there, holding each other’s hand. Yoongi seemed to have calmed down since his breathing pattern returned to normal and the grip on your hand was more relaxed. You weren’t sure what to say next. Ask him if he wanted to sleep? If he wanted more coffee?

Yoongi shuffled himself lower onto the mattress to lie down flat on his back. This position had you slouched over because he still didn’t let go of your hand, so you joined him. The rain was still hitting hard against the window and the sound was almost soothing to your ears. You closed your eyes for a few seconds to breathe everything in and the next thing you knew, it was four in the morning.

The rain made your room a lot colder than normal and when you wiggled your toes to stretch, it almost felt frozen. You tried to adjust your eyes to the darkness and searched for something, anything, to focus on. You looked down to find an arm slung over your stomach and a full head of hair near your chest.

“Oh, Jesus…” You breathed out quietly. It occurred to you that it was Yoongi who was curled up next to your side and you almost didn’t notice your arm underneath his neck. When the hell did you fall asleep and how did you get into this position with Yoongi?

If you attempted to extract your arm from underneath him, there was a chance he was going to wake up, but you really needed to pee.

Careful, y/n, careful. You sucked in a breath and began to gently pull your arm back. There didn’t seem to be a change in the weight of Yoongi’s neck on your arm and you realized that you had to pull harder to actually make some progress.

I should just do this fast like a bandaid. You readied yourself and took a few deep breaths. Like a bandaid. Even after your little pep talk, you couldn’t bring yourself to wake him up in such a sudden manner.

“Yoongi.” You whispered. “Min Yoongi.” He stirred and hugged you tighter for a few seconds before rolling over to rub his eyes. “Sorry, I need to pee.”

Without a word, Yoongi stretched upward and sat up to set you free. When you got up, you glanced at Yoongi who was sitting up with his eyes closed and eyebrows knitted together. You smiled, was it wrong to love how cute he looked in that moment?

As you washed your hands, you stared in your mirror. Your eyes were red and there was a significant amount of puffiness that came from crying earlier. God, you spent almost an hour crying to Hani about the boy you kissed and now he was the same boy who was attached to your waist as you slept.

What the hell were you going to do? Kick him out once the sun came up or leave for class before he woke up and hope he leaves while you’re in class? This made you realize that you had math 102 and that meant you were going to face Seung Ho. Great, just great.

You walked back into your room to find Yoongi sitting against your head board with your blanket over his shoulders. He noticed you walk in and opened his arm to have you sit beside him.

“You have class tomorrow. You should sleep.” You said as you crawled in next to him.

“Yeah, so do you.” Yoongi dropped the blanket around you and kept his arm around your shoulders. “But, I don’t feel like going.”

You nodded and almost leaned onto his shoulder, but stopped. You already held his hand and slept with him, now was not the time to get even more comfortable. His hand crept up to touch your cheek and made you lean onto his shoulder. Could you fall in like with him even more?

“I wish I could say the same.” You chuckled.

“Do it.” Yoongi spoke softly. “Just stay.”

You wanted to look at him, but you couldn’t, especially after what he said. How could he tell you stay that naturally and not expect you to feel shy about it.

“Sorry, Yoongs. I skipped my math class a bit too much so I could study for an exam for my psychology class.” It was true, you really couldn’t afford to skip another math class that used attendance as extra credit points. Which meant you had no choice but to see Seung Ho unless he decides to skip class.

“Seung Ho is in your math class, right?” His question surprised you because it was like he read your mind.

“Yeah… he is.” You answered. “I—I won’t talk to him though, not unless he talks to me first.” Yoongi just rubbed your shoulder and blew out a breath.

You could still hear the soft pitter patter of the rain against your window and the atmosphere was making your eyes feel heavy again.

“I should get some sleep.” You whispered. “Since I have class and all.”

“Yeah, of course.” Yoongi released you so you could get comfortable on your side of the bed. Before settling himself in his spot, he pulled your blanket over your body and put to your shoulders. He sunk down beside you and turned his body to face in your direction. You could see the whites of his eyes and the faint color of his pupils. It was so mesmerizing, you almost didn’t shut your eyes.

“Good night.” Yoongi said softly.

“Good night.” You replied, slowly fluttering your eyes closed.

It was still baffling to know that Seolhyun cheated on Yoongi. It made you wonder how long it was going on and at the same time you couldn’t help put piece together the times where she would blow him off or lie about where she was. Yoongi didn’t deserve any of this and all you wanted was to make the hurt go away. But how could you? You kissed him, thus creating a whole new surface of hurt and confusion.

Why couldn’t you have met Yoongi years ago?

♡ rae

#bangtan boys #bts #suga #yoongi #suga scenarios #yoongi scenarios #bts fics #suga fics #bts fluff #bts angst #bts university au #hellllllllo #yoongz #rae writes

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disilllusionment · 2 years

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i need to stop seeing so many things about the manifesting and everything for the new moon in leo on the 28th because i romanticize and overthink everything and i do all this to just inevitably hurt myself and i cant even blame anyone because i literally do it to myself i literally become so infatuated and then let myself get hurt when i just want to be loved and i want a partner and i want a lover and a best friend and im so sad and im so lonely and i fucking blame him for leading me to imagine these things i could have because now i want them with him and i thought he was so genuine and sweet and we have much in common but are also opposites in kind of adorable ways and i overthink and i overthink and i romanticize and i wanna meet his parents and i wanna go to the beach with hi because goddamn god fucking hell if i am ever chill for a minute

#lmfao #me #d #so sorry.#y right #u right #trying to do things differently #i am #i really am #but how can i when i keep going down the same path #im sorry #i didnt develop in a healthy way as a child and now i over romanticize and make myself depressed #goddamn #let the water flow

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psychotic-spectrum · 6 years

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I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO MY OWN FRIENDS ANYMORE

Namaste ^^ So I have a question…is it a schizo thing to not be able to talk to your friends? Like we all be chilling, everything’s fine but after some time I just kind of forget how to have a conversation. It often happens when I “embarrass” myself by messing up words or even whole sentences, that upsets me so much my heart starts beating like crazy sometimes it’s so intense my vision starts to get blurry and i feel like I’m in slow motion. In that case it’s Level 100000 uncomfortable but like I said it happens as well when we just be chilling. Even in my own place where I feel really comfortable and everyone else also. At some point I just can’t think of anything to say and it makes me anxious ( if I’m not already anxious because I “embarrassed” myself). I’m then usually trying to force a conversation, which just leads to me asking dumb questions and realizing how dumb they are the second after they left my mouth. I also have bpd so I notice the slightest change in someone’s tone or their facial expressions so basically I just sit there, asking dumb questions and watching my friends first get irritated then bored and finally annoyed. They never laugh at me or make rude comments they’re literally so sweet and kind but idk I guess it’s the borderline that makes me realize all the details that show what they’re thinking and feeling. Like they be glancing at each other for 0.1 second after I just said some dumb shit and someone without mental illness probably wouldn’t notice. I, on the other hand, am waiting for shit like this to happen every second of every day. It’s like I have a seventh sense for stuff like that (thx bpd, I see what ya did there). After a while the whole vibe just dies and everyone starts getting uncomfortable and kinda bored. That, sadly it’s even possible, gives me even more anxiety and I’m one step from going bananas (one time I had to throw up and sometimes I even fucking dissociate in front of other people)!!!! So at this point there’s absolutely nothing I can do, I’m just a bundle of stress and anxiety, like there’s no calming down or getting over it, every attempt to do that is making it worse. My friends are now full on bored and confused and kind of having they’re own conversation, they’re just still there cuz once again they’re too kind and would never leave me sitting there feeling like shit ( little do they know I’m already on my bullshit and I wouldn’t be surprised if they just left lol) sometimes this state lasts up to 3 hours and you can probably imagine how awful that is. I’m constantly thinking about stuff to talk about and when I find something I rehearse it in my head a million times and guess what? I just end up talking shit again. Ok, so I accept the fact that I’m not able to bring up a topic or something so I’m just trying to drop a few comments here and there but nope, I suck at saying “oh” or “yeah I’ve heard about that”. It’s not in my head, like I see the way they look at me when I say something and at some point they even avoid eye contact, like I know I have bpd but ITS REAL IM NOT KIDDING. My anxiety is now on level 10000000000 ( and by that I mean I can’t even control my mimic I can literally feel it I DONT wanna know what it looks like) and my friends are obviously annoyed. Yup. That, I don’t know for a fact, but I’m always feeling like they start texting each other about how they wanna leave, cuz they happen to get a text from their mom or gotta catch the last subway home at the exact same time and the goodbye is like soooo awkward I’m just such a piece of shit I swear I sometimes even fucking apologize to them for being boring or weird or annoying like who the fuck does that omfg I’m 20 years old that’s hilarious. like it wasn’t enough i manage to make it even more uncomfortable and fucked up. When they leave I often start to cry, cut or burn myself or freak out like a little child and toss shit around and kick my Inventar it’s unreal. I think about it constantly for days sometimes weeks and the anxiety is also not leaving, in fact growing day by day because of my overthinking. I really don’t know what to do anymore, it’s making me sick and worst of all, really lonely…I’ve lost lots of friends because of this shit and the few close friends I still have (besides my 2 best friends, I can totally be myself around them, no anxiety whatsoever) will eventually get tired of me and my behavior soon too. I can’t blame them honestly. I think I wouldn’t like me If i met myself. I’m just creeped out, weird, awkward and psycho to the bone. Some of them even feel sorry for me I think. They always go like “sweetie you can always hit me up with whatever, that’s what friends are for” and they be the ones making fun of me in group chats later. Sad thing is they don’t do that because they’re assholes like that (well kind of maybe) they do it because there is basically nothing else you could do but LAUGH AT ME. The point I was trying to get to is: Is that a schizo thing ? I’ve been diagnosed a few months ago and I’m also bipolar and like i said i suffer bpd. I just wanna know if anyone with schizophrenia can relate or if I’m really fucking casually sliding into another goddamn mental illness???

This is one long ass text but I needed to get this off my chest and I have no one to talk about this. Also your blog has helped me so so so much with realizing that the things I do and feel are “normal” I guess when you’re mentally ill. I’ve found many people, who struggle with the same shit i do and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. Thank you for creating this little comfort zone where we can share our struggles, experiences and coping mechanisms. I’d be the happiest girl if you took some time to reply to me <3 Or maybe you could post it on your blog so that other people can share their opinions, Im pretty sure there are many people out there that experience similar situations. Even if you don’t share this or answer me I’m still very very thankful that your blog made me feel like it’s okay to just rant about my feelings. Who- and wherever you are I hope you’re doing okay and feel loved today and everyday!! Stay strong !!! Peace and Love, M

Hi, first of all, thanks for trusting me with your situation… look, I’m not sure if this is a schizo thing, in schizophrenia you have disorganized speech and that can cause problems in communication, but what you’re experiencing seems more like anxiety to me, or connected to bpd. I relate because for the longest time I had anxiety communicating with people, I think it’s only decreased in the last three years and I’m lot older than you, I also have bpd and I remember when I was 20 it was a torturte to communicate with people and the anxiety was through the roof, but I link that to my bpd more than my schizoaffective disorder. You’re still very young so you can work on this through therapy, therapy helped me alot to overcome this fear of not knowing what to say. A piece of advice a therapist told me is that, when I don’t know what to say, ask questions to the other person, people love talking about themselves, and you know what, it works!

I wish you the best and I hope you can find the help you need

#submission #answered #bpd #bipolar #social anxiety #schizophrenia #psychosis #problems with communication #disorganized speech #s-parklingsoul

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stephhannes · 3 years

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I Was a 23 Year Old Widow & Here’s Where I Went From There

a friend sent me a link to a refinery29 article today (I’m A 31-Year-Old Widow, & I Don’t Know Where To Go From Here) and it felt exactly like something i would have written three years ago, when i was in my first year of widowhood. it basically is something i’ve written three years ago. i remember all of those same feelings, am i doing this right? how do i navigate being hot and young but also a grief-stricken widow?

the most important lesson i’ve learned in the last three years is this: the world doesn’t revolve around me.

every time i start freaking out about the nuances of grieving i remind myself, the world doesn’t revolve around you, dummy. and nothing has been more freeing.

everything in my life revolves around my grief, but there is no one else around me that’s thinking about it as much as i am. so much of my anxiety was defined by if i felt like i was grieving appropriately, in a way that society would approve of- but society isn’t thinking about me and my grief. and if they are, who gives a shit? talk to me when your partner unexpectedly dies at the age of 23.

when i came back to social media after nathan died, i remember getting comments on photos like “oh, it’s so nice to see you smiling!” that made me so self-conscious. is it too soon to be smiling? is it ok to be having fun with my friends right now?

i returned to dating apps within a year of nathan’s death, and i kept it secret for a very long time. i didn’t want people to think i was moving on. i wasn’t moving on, i was lonely! i was afraid that people would see me on tinder and be like “oh, she’s not that sad i guess” i was that sad! that’s why i was reverting to the ol’ faithful coping mechanism of entertaining gentlemen callers!

as someone forced to live in my own grief, of course i was out here catastrophizing every situation possible. i stayed awake at night stressing over ok so when i do eventually date again: when do i tell him that i’m a widow? (literally just whenever it comes up in conversation) is it weird to talk about nathan all the time? (not really, is it actually any different than when someone talks about their ex? if anything, it should be less uncomfortable, my ‘ex’ is dead, there’s no threat there) do i take down the pictures of nathan before inviting someone to my house? (no, it’s my house).

in the piece i wrote 20 days after nathan died, this is what i was panicking about:

And I know that it’s only been a few weeks since Nathan died, but I feel the weight of the 21st century coming down on me already. Theoretically, he and I were so lucky to have found each other so early, not having to navigate our 20s with awkward dates and rifling through dating apps. But in reality, now that’s where I’m going to have to find myself again. I don’t know how to date someone that I haven’t already known for 10 years. When do I tell someone I’m a widow? How much is appropriate amount to mention my dead fiancé during a blind date? When is the appropriate time to update my Facebook relationship status to ‘single’? When am I supposed to take off my engagement ring and show my face on 6th street?

What’s an appropriate tinder bio?

“Hi, I’m Stephanie. I used to be engaged but now I’m not! Hit me up!”

How do I navigate a new relationship with someone when I know that they will never know me as well as Nathan did? I can spend all day talking about who I was in high school, I can explain with detail every moment of my collegiate years, but no one will truly know who I was during those times because they weren’t there.

and here’s the update on that, 3 years later:

as previously mentioned, i’ve had success just bringing it up whenever it happens to come up. i played around with immediately being like “hey i’m steph i’m a widow what’s poppin?” but i think it’s a little more palatable to lure someone in with my insufferable personality and then be like “oh btw im a widow lol”

i went through a phase where i would tell stories about my time in new york, but omit the fact that the reason i lived there was because of my fiance. or i’d tell stories about “an ex” without being like “well the ex is actually my dead fiance” but that felt weird, so i transitioned to just literally talking about nathan, my dead fiance, whenever i want to. and shockingly, it’s gone over pretty well. men are a lot more receptive to hearing about your ex that you’re still kinda in love with when your ex is dead.

my facebook relationship status is still not updated to single. but i did take it off my profile altogether after about two years.

i took off my engagement ring about 6 months after nathan died. it was a whole thing. i was tired of people seeing it and assuming i was engaged, and asking me about it and then being forced into being like “oh haha well i’m not engaged anymore” i showed my face on 6th street and hated it, not because of my status as a widow, because i’m 26.

i’m banned from tinder, but my bumble bio is “self made hundredaire / used to work on broadway / never eaten a grape before / very passionate about the monster mash and sparkling water” people seem to like it.

if i could go back in time and whisper to myself “shhh you sweet summer child it literally doesn’t matter” god, i would. i sucked in high school, thank fucking god no one knows what i was actually like then. i was unbelievably depressed in college, we don’t need to re-live that in detail. i’m literally so cool now, and that’s really all that matters. like, i’m fun and a boss babe and smart and hilarious and mysterious (but let’s not focus on the mystery just yet) so does it really matter if someone doesn’t immediately know the nuances of my 15 year old psyche?

+++

when talking about my relationship with nathan, i’ve always framed it as “i know it’s not the end all be all of relationships” and i still firmly believe in that. like the ann druyan quote- “we knew that we were the beneficiaries of chance. we found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful.” we had a dope relationship, it ran its course, i learned a bunch of shit about myself and what i need moving forward, and now it’s time to move forward.

and in moving forward, i have to keep reminding myself that accepting relationships as they come into my life is a fun and exciting experience. it doesn’t have to be daunting and serious and terrifying. part of that has been just forcing myself to get out of my head, stop overthinking everything, and remember that the world does not revolve around me. there’s something about being able to just take what i need, leave what i don’t, for as long as it lasts and being fine with things when they eventually end.

it’s been kind of hilarious finally going through scenarios i used to agonize over in the middle of the night. everything that i imagined to be a huge deal has been actually, not a deal at all. i had a conversation with a friend a couple of months ago where i was like “i just want a toxic relationship to pass the time,” and she was like “are you saying that because that’s actually what you want, or are you saying that because you’re afraid of being genuinely intimate/vulnerable with someone that’s not nathan?” and i was like, ok first of all i didn’t come here to get dragged like that and secondly…yeah, maybe.

the vulnerability thing is still tough for me- very much not a fan of talking about my feelings without masking it with comedy. but every step i’ve made in that direction, i’ve been able to do without guilt or questioning myself.

the first time someone other than nathan slept in my bed, i was worried that i would end up upset- it was fine. i was like “oh, i forgot how nice it is to wake up not alone.”

when i found myself in a vaguely toxic relationship i realized “yeah ok, that’s definitely not what i want.” the last time that person left my house, my first thought was “i miss nathan.” and it wasn’t even necessarily nathan that i missed. i missed being around someone that made me feel like they idk…..cared about me as a person and like…..respected me.

i spent a lot of time seeking out people that i thought were similar to nathan, and then i realized that the qualities i was attracted to were just the bare minimum of human decency. the things that i loved the most about my relationship with nathan weren’t necessarily qualities that were exclusive to him (they were things he was very good at, but so are a lot of other people). his willingness to listen to me tell the same stories over and over, his patience with all of my anxiety, how much he loved just spending time around me, the way he valued and respected my opinions, his ability to remember very tiny details, our effortless rapport.

and at the same time, i’m recognizing strengths in other people that fill in where nathan had some weaknesses. the fact that none of my friends liked him, his inability to cope with my depression, all of the times he’d ask for forgiveness rather than permission, his unwillingness to accept criticism when i was upset with him, or the way he’d continue to push buttons i’d repeatedly asked him to leave alone.

+++

so maybe it’s the zoloft, or maybe it’s just growing up a little bit- but letting go of all of that anxiety has really allowed me to feel a lot lighter. it feels good to finally be present in all of my relationships, not concerned about how anything looks- rather, just concerning myself with shit that feels right. i’ve always been a pretty solid judge of character, and as soon as i stopped doubting myself, the quality of person that came into my life was immediately a lot better, weird. it’s almost like the only opinion that truly matters....is my own.

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tangerinewrites · 3 years

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when he sees me

yeonhee’s second performance - ft. her fears of having a crush

dated: a few days after valentines, specifically after this thread.

note: in honor of her birthday (even if it’s 1am and this took place 3 months ago)

jang yeonhee has a boy’s number on her phone.

it’s more alarming the more she thinks about it, mainly because it would typically not happen for her. besides her brother and a few boys she’s had to work with for school projects, she’s never had a boy be on her phone solely because he was fine with giving it to her.

she’s thinking of the whole situation as it plays out in her head: pounding headache as she wakes up in a room that was not her own, only to see im changwoo of all people show up to let her know that she got hammered at the valentines’ celebration last night and he was then responsible over her for a night. she was bold enough to offer her phone number to him so that she could find a proper way to make up for all the trouble she’s caused him. and though he brushed it off and said it wasn’t a problem and that he “just wants to make sure [she’s] okay”, yeonhee knew herself better than anyone and she knows that she’s a handful once under the influence.

even now, she doesn’t want to think about whatever shit she might’ve pulled off that valentines night because all she could remember was how overwhelmingly lonely she was, watching everyone around her be happy with their significant others. she even had to hang out with another group of friends because being around the baby squad was being the third wheel to three pairs. and it’s not like she isn’t happy for them, because the hopeless romantic in her only wants the best for her friends. but it made her think of that night and she knew she had to find a way to cheer herself up by surrounding herself with other single people.

perhaps she can thank the alcohol for making this miracle happen. but even then, she’s overthinking about it while at divinations. before she realizes it, the whole class was then told to go into groups and she finds herself with three other students around her talking about what had gone on in class. and here she is, the idiot that had to admit “i wasn’t really paying attention. what did we have to do?” thankfully, they were patient enough to help her catch up.

jang yeonhee has a boy’s number on her phone.

it’s been days and that’s still the only thought that remains in her mind. sure, she’s good at hiding her thoughts and remaining like how she usually would. but she’s still human enough that there are people who can tell when she’s bluffing.

of course her best friend, kang haeun, would be able to catch on.

“you’ve looked troubled recently, yeonhee,” she says with a little pout as yeonhee drinks her water after attempting to practice a song for the next cabaret performance. caBAEret, they call it, even though valentines day was a few days ago. it’s only scheduled so late because of the celebrations that day. and it’s also because of that day—no—night that it was affecting her performance. “is there something on your mind?”

“i’m fine,” she responds immediately, almost interrupting the other from speaking. “just feeling jittery is all.”

“are you sure?” she asks, tilting her head to the side. “you’ve been doing well for the past few times you’ve practiced this song.”

yeonhee’s eyes widen. “did i do something wrong? was there something bad about my performance?” she couldn’t imagine letting something this trivial mess up her performance. she’d rather switch majors and live life as a divinations professor than to mess up a performance.

haeun quickly shakes her head. “oh no! you were great! amazing, even!” she responds enthusiastically. “your performance this time was much better than the last few times. it almost was like you were very connected with the character. it was like… the same atmosphere as your last performance.”

yeonhee grimaces at her compliment. “fuck,” she curses under her breath, biting her lip in frustration over the situation. “this was a terrible song choice, then. i should’ve written in a different song on the form.”

the girl was hoping that the comment wouldn’t phase her friend, but it does the opposite effect. of course it does. what else can she expect from her? “is there something you’re not telling me?”

though yeonhee likes to think of herself as a great actress, there are moments in which she has to break her “character”. the fact that she’s been doing it more because of him is a little upsetting, considering she was sure she could try her best to seem appealing to all the boys she infatuates over. she’s either cursed with bad luck to always make a fool out of herself in front of this particular boy, or good luck, considering the fact that he hasn’t chosen to actively avoid her due to her weirdness yet. she wouldn’t blame him. it’s why she has the “persona” to begin with: sweet, gentle, and innocent. not at all like the rambunctious, loud, and.. perverted—eccentric person she is around literally everyone who she isn’t trying to impress.

that being said, she also can’t lie to haeun either. not only because the other could be able to tell when she’s avoiding a subject or trying to act as if nothing was happening, but because lying to haeun was the equivalent to neglecting a puppy. she couldn’t do that the girl! that’d feel morally wrong. so, with a sigh, she decides to come clean.

“so, i’ve been thinking about this boy. i got his number not too long ago.”

her eyes widen and she tilts her head to the side. “is it claude?” after she asks that, she gives her a look of concern. “please don’t tell me it’s my brother.”

“huh?! what?!” yeonhee asks, perplexed by that single assumption before she quickly shakes her head. “what makes you think i’d have the chance of being with either of them? as if your brother would date someone like me. also, i heard claude’s like… practically in love with this other senior there.”

haeun shrugs. “i don’t know! you and malia hang around him a lot. i just naturally figured that one out of the two of you would have a chance with him. and if malia has changmin, then you could have a chance with him.”

yeonhee wants to laugh, but not in a way to make fun of haeun. rather at the idea that the girl suggested. honestly, a lot of the upperclassmen boys were way out of her league already. but her “relationship” with claude is solely fan-”idol” only. there was never going to be a chance of them happening, even if the fan service he provides makes her delusional heart swoon for a few minutes. she snorts instead, mainly because she was still… frustrated at someone else.

“no. it’s another boy,” she responds, finding herself getting red the moment she puts that into the air. obviously, the other girl looks intrigued enough to hear her say more. “do you remember about that one time i told about this guy who i met at gobstones club?”

she stays silent to think about it for a while before getting back to yeonhee on the response. “you mean the guy you said ‘hole’ too because you were staring at his dimples?”

she visibly cringes at the girl retelling her story. “yes, that. it was not my proudest, nor brightest moment.” a sigh follows after she said it. she shakes her head before she continues on with telling her story seriously. “anyways, i didn’t really think much of him. i just thought he’d be some upperclassman that i’d find cute and charming while also being infatuated with him from a distance. i didn’t think much more of it because the likelihood of us being together was unrealistic to me.” she takes a moment to take a deep breath before she looks at the other with a trouble face. if there’s anything she learned from her classes, it was the ability to be able to tell a good story even when not performing for others. “but…” her friend is silent, but shows that she was listening to everything as she nods at the other to continue on. “i got hammered at the valentines day parade and next thing i know, i was in his bed––”

haeun’s eyes widen. “huh?!”

just at that, she shakes her head quickly and makes an x with her arms. “ FULLY CLOTHED. we did NOT do anything. i am very much still a virgin.” she puts her arms back to her side before she sighs as she revisits the memory for the sake of storytime, her heart fluttering as she thinks of it again. “he took care of me. and even though i feel a little bit bad for him because of how embarrassing i am while drunk, he told me it was no problem because he just wanted to make sure i was okay. and it just…” without even realizing it, she smiles to herself. “he’s so dreamy. he’s tall, nice, smart, and handsome…” when she finds herself getting carried away, she shakes her head and clears her throat. “anyway, i have his number on my phone because i told him i’d try to make up for it somehow. but i don’t know what to do because all i’ve been thinking about was the fact that he’s an actual boy who is on my phone.”

“don’t you have a twin brother?”

she shakes her head. “he doesn’t count. he’s stinky.” though it gets a laugh out of her friend, yeonhee’s facial expressions still show seriousness. “i don’t know how to make it up to him without making it seem like a date.”

the other tilts her head. “why wouldn’t you want it to seem like a date?” she asks. “don’t you like him?”

“i do, but i’m scared that i do,” she admits with a sad sigh as she finds herself a seat on the carpet ground. she’d sit on the chair next to her friend, but she couldn’t bear to do that now. not while she’s feeling pathetic.small. vulnerable. “what if he doesn’t feel the same way? what if i’m only getting my hopes up over some guy who was just only being a decent person to me? what if he does like me, but once he gets to know me, he doesn’t like who i am? i mean, i’m annoying and all-over-the place and…”

“naive?” haeun attempts to complete.

“perverted,” she corrects her, gaining an “ah” from the other followed by a small nod. the girl, previously sitting criss-crossed then hugs her legs and rests her body against them, looking at her feet along with the carpet ground below it. “i’m already a disappointment in my family’s eyes. i don’t want to get attached to some boy, only for him to be disappointed by me, too.”

“yeonhee...” haeun frowns before she walks over to her and gives her a hug. there was something quite… unique about the way her friend hugs others. at least in yeonhee’s experience, getting a hug from her friend after a tough rehearsal or a deep talk with the other about their insecurities was always something that made her feel better. it made her feel as if she was not alone. as if there was something out there who truly appreciated her for the way she is in the most pure, platonic way possible.

as soon as she pulls away, she looks directly at the other with a serious pout. “listen. i know it’s hard to believe that you’ll ever get the chance to be loved by someone else. you know i know.” yeonhee smiles a little and nods. “and i can see why you’d be scared, but any boy in the world would be lucky to have you. you’re funny, talented in more ways than one, super sweet, and adorable! and i’m not saying that just because i’m your friend.”

she doesn’t wish to reject her compliments. honestly! it made her happy to know that amongst her flaws, her friend was able to see the good in her. it’s not like she wasn’t aware of all that she said. but such attributes about her weren’t enough to make people want her. to make people wish to pursue something with her.

“but–” she’s about to argue with her, but is immediately shushed by the other.

“you deserve love, yeonhee,” she says a little sternly, which comes off a little surprising because she was so used to the other being more timid. it’s not like haeun never had to behave maturely with the other, but rather yeonhee was used to being the other person trying to boost her up in the most serious way possible. “no matter what you say or think about yourself, there will be a guy who will appreciate you for who you are. who knows? this guy might be that guy.”

yeonhee finds herself smiling. don’t get my hopes up, kang haeun, she wants to say. the last few times she’s find herself getting naively carried away by her delusions, she’s always found herself getting hurt by her vivid imagination. she doesn’t want that to happen this time, especially with someone as ideal as changwoo. so she doesn’t say anything to keep the conversation going, mainly because she didn’t want to worry her friend any longer.

“thanks,” she responds with a small smile. “i’m sorry for bringing down the mood. i’m just…” a sigh. “nervous. but let’s not think about him for now. i gotta think of this performance!”

“ah, right!” haeun says with a nod and thumbs up. “i mean, there’s nothing much else to say.” the girl shrugs and giggles as the ‘actress’ playfully flips her hair. “if you want, i can give you ideas on where to take your boy on a date!”

“hey! i said enough about him!” she whines at the other’s teasing, crossing her arms and pouting before she lightly shoves the other. “you know what you can help me with, though? picking an outfit for me for tonight. i need to make sure i look beautiful if the director wants to notice me and cast me for a future show.”

“alright, alright,” haeun responds, yeonhee watching her friend push herself up from the ground and offering her hand to the other to pull her up as well. “let’s get going then. we want to make sure we get there before the boutique closes.”

“oh shit! you’re right!” yeonhee gasps, later facing towards the door of the chorus room and dashing out. “let’s go!”

“h-hey! jang yeonhee, wait for me!” her friend shouts from behind her, yeonhee laughing as she slows herself down in the hallway so that the other could catch up to her.

she originally sang this song just because it was in her range and she thought it’d suit perfectly for the lovey dovey season. she chose to perform this song before all of the recent events that have refused to stay off her mind. and though she didn’t even want to think about it, she knew she was bound to think of it anyways. after all, haeun did say it improved her performance of the song.

after sharing her introduction and signalling the accompanist on when to start, she takes a deep breath and sings through the lyrics, trying to stick to the original character of the song. as long as she’s able to act as if she was dawn louise pickett, she should be fine. at least, that’s what she believes.

she goes through the lyrics while trying to remain faithful to the original singer’s character.

“i stick with real things: usually facts and figures. when information's in its place, i minimize the guessing game. guess what? i don't like guessing games, or when I feel things before I know the feelings. how am I supposed to operate if I'm just tossed around by fate? like on an unexpected date? with a stranger who might talk too fast, or ask me questions about myself before I've decided that? he can ask me questions about myself, he might sit too close. or call the waiter by his first name, or eat oreos… but eat the cookie before the cream; but what scares me the most what scares me the most…”

and, as expected, it’s at the chorus when she finds her mind wandering to a territory she does not wish to go to.

“is what if when he sees me, what if he doesn't like it? what if he runs the other way and i can't hide from it? what happens then?”

the more she sings about the character’s insecurities, the less she finds herself acting in character for the performance. she doesn’t imagine dawn dancing around the diner, singing about how her unrealistic expectations of men might lead her to disappointment whilst having a dance number with a male ensemble. she thinks of him: the dimples that form in his cheeks when he is shows that he is seriously focused. his tall stature and the way his lips are naturally the shape of a curly w: kind like an adorable, cartoon animal. thinking of them now, she finds herself getting carried away with the thought of how they’d feel against hers. soft, she bets. and once they pull away from each other, he has a smile that would mirror hers and it feels her with glee and—

it comes crashing down.

“if when he knows me, he's only disappointed? what if I give myself away, to only get it given back? i couldn't live with that.”

there’s no possible way he’d behave like that to her.

after all the embarrassing memories that involved the both of them, she wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t return her feelings. it’s nothing new, really. jang yeonhee’s familiar with being rejected by boys who she genuinely crushes on. most of them were indirect, where she finds out for herself that they’re with somebody else. other times, she finds herself trying to suppress her sadness out of respect for the person who rejected her confession. she wouldn’t be surprised if changwoo was either one of those two kinds of boys she mentioned. after all, he was handsome and intelligent: surely, there would be a lot of people trying to gain his attention. why would he ever find someone like her interesting in the first place?

she’s just a freshie who’s in theatre. she isn’t even one of the popular students in the department. she’s far from lead girl material, so it’s not like someone like him would be able to fall for someone like her.

“so, i'm just fine, inside my shell-shaped mind. this way I get the best view. so that when he sees me, i want him too.”

it’s always better to look at others from a distance. at this point, yeonhee’s accepted her fate as being the side character in someone else’s story. her parents have made that clear over the winter break.

that being said, she was fine with observing others’ lives. she’d be fine with just being the fangirl of claude ahn with her best friend malia. claude would eventually fall in love with a girl, leaving the fangirls envious of her. but even then, malia would have someone to go to as well, so she could always be there to support her friend and her new relationship.

even haneul would be able to live the life he wants. he’s surrounded by a lot of people his age who’d spare him their attention. what was some underclassmen, who happened to be his sister’s best friend, have to do with him besides think he’s charming and handsome? besides, she wouldn’t want to ruin her friendship with the other. haeun was one of her favorite people in the world… even if she isn’t hanging out with her as much anymore. but she can’t blame her for that! she was happy that the other was able to find love.

and she’ll be happy with the fact that she’ll never achieve such a fortune like that. at least, that’s what she wants to believe.

… she’s getting carried away. she gets herself back into character with the next lyrics, hoping notices her thoughts.

“i'm not defensive! i'm simply being cautious. i can't risk reckless dating due to my miscalculating while a certain suitor stands in line! i've seen in movies, most made for television: you cannot be too careful when it comes to sharing your life. i could end up a miserable wife! sorry girls, but he could be criminal, some sort of psychopath who escaped from an institution—somewhere where they don't have girls! he could have masterminded some way to find me— he could be colorblind! how untrustworthy is that? he could be less than kind!”

there’s the usual bit of laughter that escapes from the audience at the comedic lines. it’s a bonus for yeonhee to perform, considering the fact she always dubs herself as a clown because comedies were her best genre. she makes sure to act hysterical in moments that required it, shouting even before she goes to the next line in which she acts… calmer.

“or even worse he could be very nice, have lovely eyes, and make me laugh, come out of hiding... what do I do with that?”

her mind wanders yet again as she finds herself thinking of him again: he is very nice. she’s sure that if any other person were in his situation with trying to take care of her, they’d probably bring her back to her dorms (with the knowledge she had a roommate) and leave her from there. but he went out of his way help her: to look over her for the night and make sure she was safe. the action of a man taking care of her like that… it was almost giving her husband vibes.

and if she wasn’t staring at his dimples as he explains something seriously relating to gobstones, she’d be looking at his eyes to ensure that she was “paying attention”. but in actuality, she was just staring at how pretty his eyes looked. it was interesting to see all the emotions that he conveyed with them and all she could think about was the possibility of seeing more, especially after he gave her such a kind look the last time they saw each other.

but such an idea… feels almost like a dream to her. imagination.

“what if when he sees me, i like him and he knows it? what if he opens up a door and i can't close it?” what happens then? if when he holds me, my heart is set in motion? i'm not prepared for that, i'm scared of breaking open.”

she does her best with remaining confident with her voice, pulling off the belts easily as she finds herself getting more and more involved with the lyrics. it’s no surprise that jang yeonhee is scared of showing her true self to others. she has many burdens and insecurities that only her closest friends, like haeun, knows about. just imagining the fact that she’d have to possibly be vulnerable around someone she only knows basic amount of information about was quite intimidating. the future that she’d always daydream about and aspired to have to let her grow into the future main character that she’ll be… was a risk that she wasn’t sure if she was prepared for.

perhaps it is because of her lack of experience. during her entire high school and lower years, she’s never been in a relationship. sure, she was able to flirt, but she’s never even had her first kiss! even now, thinking about that was humiliating to admit. but it just goes to show how she’s so naive and to finally have the chance to experience what she’s yearned for… she wonders… will she be prepared for it? will she be prepared for the rush of emotions she’ll feel? for the possible heartbreak that it could lead to?

there’s so many what-ifs… it’s horrifying.

“but still i can't help from hoping to find someone to talk to. who likes the way i am.”

after the powerful high note, her voice goes back to being soft as she entertains the idea of her ultimate wish: the relationship she’s always wanted. say, in a scenario in which im changwoo really does like her, he likes her for who she is. even though she’s loud, dramatic, and… a bit wild, he still finds her attractive in his own way. he enjoys spending time with her and talking to her to the point he becomes her first’s to a lot: boyfriend, kiss, date, time (she doesn’t get too far with imagining that. she was still performing, after all). maybe even love if it gets that fire. will it get that far?

she’s not sure. she isn’t even sure if it’s likely he’d feel the same for her. she’s not even sure how she feels for him.

perhaps, time will tell. and time is in her hands.

“someone who when he sees me… wants to again.”

the song nears its end and she’s able to hold the note right until the accompanist stops. she can thank her breathing technique to let her power through that confidently.

after she finishes the song, she hears the sound of applause, which signals her to bow and get off the stage for the next act to perform. though she plans on sitting back down to enjoy the rest of the performances, she walks off to somewhere more private and she looks at her phone, going through her contacts to find him there. she clicks on it and watches her wizphone pull up the information on him, staring at it while thinking to herself if she should do it: text him. she wasn’t even sure what she was going to say! she still had to find a way to thank him for his hospitality from a few days ago. she feels bad for not saying anything beforehand until this moment. it’s because she’s been overthinking this very moment.

but if she’s able to perform a difficult song like this in front of others, she should be able to have the ability to see him again. because she wasn’t sure if he felt the same, but she wants to see him… again and again.

she clicks on the message button and types a few short messages, hoping that her intention of inviting him was shown. she’s not sure if it was going to be a date. if he was going to consider it to be a date. but it was good to have it under a disguise… for now.

[ ✉ to: im changwoo 👉👈 ]

✉ : hi!! i’m so sorry for not messaging you sooner. i had to prepare for this performance and it’s recently been taking up a lot of my time 😭 but i just finished, so i’m texting you rn! ✉ : anyways, i was wondering if you were down for some drinks? we could stop by to get boba or coffee. or if you’re down for anything else, that’s fine too!! regardless, i’ll pay for it! 😆🤙

and so, she locks her phone and goes back to watching the performances, leaving do not disturb off so she could feel any notification in her hand.

#wc: 4593 #happy bday to jang yeonhee!#(writes about smth that happened 3 months ago)#excuse any typos i didnt properly proofread i just formatted </3

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aimorgbot · 5 years

Text

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK

i cannot get k out of my mind i am so goddamn hung up over feelings of nostalgia

it’s like i’m 6 years younger, it’s like he’s right there, so close but so far away

god

AFTER 3 DAYS OF NOT PLAYING we got to play again and i’m buzzing with happiness i’m so fucking ecstatic, he invited me to his disc and i got to witness his buddies and their entire group was so FUCKING FUNNY i couldn’t stop laughing i loved it, and he gave me shit about it the entire time and i couldn’t be happier oh my god. i don’t know how i’m going to sleep or think or focus on anything for the next week. he says he starts his job later so i hope he’ll be able to come home before then and potentially I MIGHT SEE. gfsdfuihgsdoif they kept on referring to me as his girl and i just am gushing sinfdsfmndsf like oh my god my heart it’s been so long since i’ve felt this way

so that night i went to bed, i got god awful sleep. i literally stayed awake in my bed for 2-3 hours straight not able to fall asleep because of all of that. on another note, finished my exams, thought i did pretty okay on them. played league with k some more, i had again so much fun but we didn’t end on a good note. we had a bad game in ranked and it was just so disheartening, he got off the computer altogether and now i’m overthinking if i did something wrong, or if i was too much or too annoying. i know i’m overthinking but also at the same time i’m so worried about it. fuck dude, i’m so sad about it.

on a side note, i guess i was supposed to hang out with S today but i kind of forgot, and i apologized and messaged him about it and he literally just flipped his shit, after i said something came up anyways, he said, “so are you going to talk about it or is it just not worth bringing up?”

Me: “it doesn’t matter anymore”

S: “oh okay so this is just something that’s going to make me feel worse then”

Me: “I don’t know what you mean by that?”

S: “i’ve been feeling like literal dogshit the entire day and i at least deserve an explanation.”

As soon as I read that, I had so many fucking things run through my head. Like, I don’t owe you fucking anything first of all, second of all, just because YOU feel like dogshit does not at all justify that you can take it out on me or make me feel bad. And last, he doesn’t even know what came up or fucking asked like he cared, he knows I struggle a lot with depression and shitty situations you’d think that would at least run through his head before he said any of that, but no. Just lashed out and acted selfishly, as if I owe him anything. I said -

Me: “Just because you feel bad does not at all mean that you can take it out on me. That’s not okay, and I’m done with this conversation.”

another update, it’s the day after from the last note and i got to fucking play with k again all day today. ALL day, literally from 3pm to 10. 7 hours. i.. oh my god. he makes me so fucking happy, like i don’t know how to describe it or what it is. it’s completely different from anybody else, i genuinely hope and want to get closer to him as a whole. when we played league, we played bot lane together for most of the time and after almost every game he honored me with the <3 one and IT’S SO LITTLE BUT IT MEANS SO MUCH LIKE I’M grinning ear to ear from it, i was screaming in my head about it i loved it so much. he also was just, god, we had a lot of people in call at the time so both of us were a little bit more quiet and didn’t talk as much, but he did these little jokes that were so fucking funny and one of them killed me. absolutely killed me and i couldn’t stop laughing and he started laughing because i was laughing so hard and i fucking love it. i loved all of it. i love his laugh so much, it’s one of the best things i’ve ever heard.

ah ha, fuck. my friend and i went out to go get pizza and then i was talking about k and i brought up his insta to her and she fucking requested to follow him for me and i got pissed but i mean, i wanted to, i just didn’t have the balls. but as i was scrolling through it, he’s in a relationship and my heart just sunk, even now. i just feel so upset about it. i still really fucking like him obviously, but.. i don’t know. i don’t know what to do, how to act.

same day as last note, i’m just so much more down in the fucking dumps. feeling so attached and connected so quickly and knowing that fucking nothing is going to come out of it hurts so much. like holy fucking shit. what am i supposed to do. what the fuck am i supposed to do. he’s graduating, he’s going to have a job right after in the same state, and likely so is his girlfriend and they’ll probably still be together and i’m just. holy shit. what the fuck. what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. i’m glad he’s happy, i think, i think, but at the same time i’m so fucking upset. all i want to do is be near him and joke and laugh with him, i want to make him happy.

i’m tipsy i think a couple days after from the last note and all i can think about is k - i don’t even know how much i want him i want him so fucking badly, in all ways.I LIKE HIM SO MUCHHH oh my FUCKING GODDD i just want to be with him why does it have to be like this

- several days after that, dude k went mia for like 4-5 days because of moving but oh my god i was suffering so much, i missed him so much it was killing me. but he came back and now we’re getting tipsy/drunk and playing video games with each other for the past 2-3 days and counting, i love it so much it’s so much fun. but he mentioned his girlfriend today and how he stayed up super late to play video games with me, and he told his gf that and she got super pissed. like super super mad. and he ended up calling her and putting her on speaker so that i could like tell her that i knew that they were about to move in together and oh my god, my heart just sunk. it’s nothing i don’t know, but it’s still just.. it just FUCKING HURTSS dude. every time it just feels like a stab, and the way he says my name and just how we fuck with each other it feels so, so good but then i just am brought back down because of all of that.

- (week or more since last note)

yeah it’s kind of all over now, it was slowing down and regressing anyways but i guess the reality and also a couple things he’s said recently killed it (I was trying to play video games with him and he ended up saying something like “well this is a stretch because we only got like 2 games to play with each other so this probably won’t last long” and in my head I was like, oh, ok guess i’ll just fucking die then FUCK ME THEN). but i’m glad, it should be like that. he deserves to be happy and have a good life and i know if i were to be anything more, even if it were a slight interest, it’d complicate and make everything worse for him and that’s the last thing i want. so i’m chilling, i know my heart really craves something fulfilling, so my emotions are so intense that it really does feel like i like them way more than i actually do, otherwise my crushes wouldn’t die so easily, you know? at least i hope.

i dont know how long it’s been since last note, but god. still hanging out with k and i still love it but god damn im so fucking lonely

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livingishardasfuck · 6 years

Text

Back again years later

hey dude

Its October 14th and I am sitting at work. I am feeling sad. And anxious. I am so sick of being anxious

I changed my major. Fuck packaging. So now I’m fucking stuck in these bitch ass classes that I couldn’t give 2 flying fucks about- physics 2, plastics packaging and fucking cardboard packaging. I hate it I hate it I hate it I want to fucking drop out of the semester and just start the classes I actually want to take.

So my major is now environmental studies and sustainability with an add on of sustainable parks and recreation. I am anxious about it because 1 I have no idea what job I want and 2 Brendan’s ex girlfriend is the same major

Brendan is my boyfriend who isn’t actually officially my boyfriend. I think I’m going to ask him soon if we can just establish the relationship because it’s been 4 months and he’s come to bay city and ive met his family twice and we still aren’t “official” although I call him my boyfriend to everyone so it’s kind of annoying that we havent actually talked about it

I am in the process of trying to get aderall I have a brain test next month and im hoping at my next dr app she prescibes it to me

i went home this weekend and jack came and a ton of family and it was pretty fun

I kind of hate the way I work with my emotions and im fucked up about it I cry so much and have so much anxiety and I am so sensitive and I have a serious overthinking problem like it just goes in loops it makes so much sense though like whenever Im heartbroken I cannot stop thinking about it over and over but now that ive recognized that its a thing I can work on reversing the problem

i died my hair platinum blonde and it took 3 trips to the hair salon and 190 dollars to get it to where I want it but actually Ive been saving money so it wasnt that big of a deal and my mom gave me 150 dollars

speaking of my mom she is a fucking blessing nice ass lady she is so fucking supportive i literally talk to her about everything even smoking weed and she gives me her whole life basically also aunt cindy nice ass lady and I love amber and mandy and noah

Well I just went on a rant about everything ive been thinking about lately

still anxious that i have no idea what im doing with my future i fucking hate not having a plan and the fact that I have to wait :((( ughhh

Im sick of being sad sick of being lonely wrote that in a song

but yeah seriously fuck sadness if it never leaves me i am going to go insane

bye

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triei · 7 years

Text

10/10/2017

I think I'm beginning to miss you again. Although, I am doing a little more okay now. Actually coming to terms slowly with everything. I am slowly realising that I cannot keep on waiting for answers and closure. Sometimes I'll cry and I'll be angry but at the same time I don't know why I am still emotional anymore. I think it's all beginning to be suppressed mentally and I hope all those thoughts, overthinking and all stay in the past. I haven't cried writing this so I guess that's also another positive step forward. I hope you don't atleast forget about me. I no longer wish anything negative of you, I genuinely hope you're doing okay now, I'll try to not think too much of you with someone else, but I'll also be taking my time with that. Instead of forcing myself to forget and to move on I've been working on just taking my time and allowing things to go by as they will. There's no rush in moving on.

I did try though, I've been trying to speak to guys, but I can't. It's odd to say because I've always been one to enjoy attention , being sexual and speaking to guys all the time. Always feeling the need to have someone there that WANTS to speak to me and give me their attention. But this time I just can't, it's a little lonely feeling and it is frustrating but I think, i also need to learn how to be independent again. I got overwhelmingly used to speaking to you from the moment we woke up to when we slept. So now, I think i should be focusing on being more independent and improving myself rather than needing someone to speak to at all times.

I still want to speak to you almost everyday, even just a call to hear your voice or a message, but I can't. And im scared that you will ignore me and not care. I've been seeing so many relevant artidote posts lately, as well as those Instagram posts. Each time I think of you straight away, but I have no one to tag. Not even kaan anymore. He was a good friend after we stopped speaking, he was there to listen and all but he now has a girlfriend and he's highly strict about friends and all so naturally both himself and his girlfriend had to drop all of their opposite sex friends, which is okay. He respected the fact that I was still getting over you and that I didn't want anything with him.

You know, what's almost odd is that when I think of you, I realise that I am forgetting so many things, not when everything went to shit, but honestly most things as far as last year. It's scary and a part of me doesn't want to forget you or even the good times. But I think it's just an unconscious coping mechanism I go through. I just forget whatever gets me too emotional.

I went through this little emo phase for a couple of months, began self harming, getting into drugs, trying coke and ecstasy and all ahaha I started smoking frequently, it started with this weird craving and taste for it lmao but I can finally look back and laugh at myself and roast myself right now, which definitely means I'm no longer depressed, or as I like to put it to not be light hearted and not too sad, 'depresso espresso'. I think it's a little scary to think back to those months, five months Stephan. Five months I was depressed as fuck. I also can't really remember much of those months though in all honesty. I think it was just crying a couple of times a day, seven days a week (literally) and being in bed. Your suckish replies and responses to my outbursts in the form of long paragraphs didn't really help emotionally unstable me either ahaha it's funny because, I was so caught up with you, I was overthinking so much and crying over everything you did or didn't do. Yet I NEVER SAID ANYTHING and that's probably my biggest fault of all the faults I made when we were friends. I could've told you I had feelings for you , that I was attached, that I was scared of loving you yet wanted to be with you, that I really did see us being together for years, that I did take the jokes about living together and having dogs together seriously, that I was jealous when you spoke to other pretty Asian girls, that I DID care about you seeing other girls. I could've easilyyy done something to pull you back but I was stupid, scared naive and I was just letting my emotions bottle up. I was just sososo angry and honestly that's more my fault than yours. Depression is a scary thing and I've never spoken to you about it because like now, I surpress those 'depressive episodes' from the past, I didn't like speaking about them because it'd just make them real again.

But you've made me learn so many things and I am so thankful. I have also learnt how to react to depression now if I ever fall into it again. I'm not sure how I will deal with it, but I am now more aware of the thoughts that occcur and the mechanisms and habits that are created by it. I now know what to expect instead of not understanding it and just allowing it to 'happen'. I know now that I have the opportunity to see a psychologist, that there's so many people out there who are also scared to speak to one. I've come to accept so many things and use such negative experiences as things I can learn, adapt and improve on. I may be a little sad sometimes, I may miss you and I may allow myself to overthink and cry about you, but it's okay. It doesn't mean it's a step back, it doesn't mean I'm falling into old habits either. It happens. Im still doing so much better than I was a few months ago.

I'm not going to get over you anytime soon, maybe even not until I meet someone and feel the same way I once felt about you. But I'm not going to wait for another person, nor am I going to hate myself and beat myself over the fact that I still want you sometimes.

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