Tumgik
#im so sick of looking at this. it's been DAYS! BUT IT'S DONE.
stardust-sunset · 2 days
Text
I’m just gonna ask this once but how come whenever brody is absent for more than two days IM the one getting harassed over it? I’m not gonna respond anymore because I think I’ve made my points clear and all I can say atp is check my pinned but like…why is it me? Are you trying to be like “i told you so?” or like are you trying to prove something? because my stance isn’t gonna change. I’m still gonna support him. And it’s fucking creepy the way some of you track his absences. He’s allowed to take breaks. He should take breaks and the reason WHY he takes breaks is not up for speculation and if he really “wasn’t in the show anymore” we would’ve heard about it by now. He’s entitled to his own privacy and I don’t know why i’m the one who has to deal with the brunt of the hate like I’m not him. I’m not connected to him and just because I’ve been vocal about my opinions in the past doesn’t mean i enjoy looking at dumb anonymous hate.
Let him take breaks without speculating why he’s gone. It’s creepy and frankly it’s an invasion if his privacy. You don’t know him. I know a lot of the cast is active online so it seems like people know him but you don’t. It’s okay to be worried but what I’ve been receiving is not okay. And you know who you are. He’s probably fine and just needed a while to take a break. A lot of the cast takes breaks and yet it’s just him that gets shit. Sure maybe he takes off more than other people but that’s his choice. And his part is the most involved and it’s NATURAL that he’s need a break. It’s his body. Not yours. He knows his body better than anyone and if he decides he needs a break, then he’s going to take a break. End of story, close case, don’t speculate. And if you hate it that much then don’t support the show.
I’m done being the one everyone goes to to be like “oh he’s absent again all he does is take breaks” or “oh he’s absent he shouldn’t be on broadway” because it’s gross. If you’re speculating that hard and tracking the absences of someone you hate so much then I’m going to assume you genuinely have no life.
Sorry for the rant. I’m just sick of waking up to hoards of anon hate and speculation. He’s fine. If something happened we would’ve known by now.
17 notes · View notes
bladewarde · 2 years
Text
𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒅𝒐𝒆𝒔 𝒍𝒂𝒆𝒓𝒂 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔?
Tumblr media Tumblr media
anger. laera houses her anger in silence, and unseen, but there is not a single part of her being that remains untouched by the rage she's tenderly nursed for decades. she's mastered how to patiently live with it, ever aware of the inevitable eruption, yet it undeniably controls her: her motives; her choices, and at its centre lie her anger. there are glimpses of it hinting at what's to come. it appears in the downturning of her mouth; the rigidity of her face, and should she give in to the torrent, it rushes forth. her presence demands submission from others, unafraid and unchallenged, and the venomous words she screams are meant to hurt. it shakes her, and when the tides of her anger retreat, she simmers. laera often finds her quiet after these heated outbursts in private. a cathartic release of what she's held inside for far too long, but the unfortunate truth is that it's never enough to bring her peace. 
joy. the honesty of her joy is sweet, where in the rarest of moments, laera will allow her guards to falter. she is subdued in this expression of her happiness, pushing aside all the ill-feelings she carries in her chest, and permitting herself to express these feelings in truth. it hurts her face to smile; it hurts to pull a laugh deep from within her stomach. her words aren't so harsh as she teases, and her smile is genuine despite the effort to fight it back. having deprived herself of seeking out her interests as a child, laera is learning to find what brings her joy, and she deeply cherishes these little moments of discovery. embarking on a whirlwind romance in the pages of her favourite novel; spending hours picking through a shopkeep's wares to find the perfect wood carved statue for her shelf; watching the patrons of the market district go about their day while she eats ripened sunmelons -- for a few moments, she can be distracted -- content, as it were, by the simplicity of the things that are meaningful to her.
sadness. her sadness is intimately entwined with her grief, and like much of how laera presents herself, is masking her more vulnerable emotions behind her figurative armour. she's had twenty long years to grieve a life she'll never know, and in the private moments where she recalls the depth of her loss, and how most of her life thus far has been spent unhappy, it weighs on her. unfathomable in its breadth, her sorrows are such that she refuses to share them with others. they eat her from the inside, and laera becomes withdrawn. no amount of keeping her head up can hide the slow deterioration of her inner strength, until she can no longer stand it. it breaks her, and only with her closest of friends will she reveal what's troubling her, yet even in the trusted company of her loved ones, she holds back. she fights her tears through choked breaths, a grimace on her face, as the last bits of her pride roll down her reddened cheeks.
shame / embarrassment. laera will never allow her weaknesses to be used against her, and she viciously defends her shame and embarrassments from being scrutinised. it's too easy to mistake these for her usual abrasiveness; her shortness toward any line of questioning that she fears hover too close to the truth will have a reactionary reponse. she's snappy and rude -- more so than any exhibition of her usual behaviours -- and to the astute, a hint of desperation. a symptom of her self-preservationist qualities: she's desperate to protect her weak spots from being exploited, and will give little hesitation to drawing all attention away from what she's guarding. it's not that she is without humility, but being made aware of her faults so openly feels like a slight, and even if the intention is genuine, more often than not, she reacts negatively.
guilt. there is no room for a guilty conscious when the occupancy of what makes laera herself is at capacity. she has committed acts that most would be remorseful for; actions that would warrant a moment of self-reflection -- not laera. guilt, as she understands it, is an all consuming bother, and an unescapable weight she would much prefer to be without. she is flippant and unaffected, maybe even uncaring, because to dwell on the consequences of her actions would mean to take pause. she can't afford to sit still and think; she needs to be running, moving, constantly and always. 
fear / anxiety. fear is her greatest weakness, as it exposes parts of herself she wishes she could completely erase -- wishing they could be replaced with something unafraid and resistant -- but like her anger, laera is entirely controlled by it. the poignancy of her paranoia whispers to her that she will never be allowed absolute freedom; it threatens to strip away her worthiness; everything she has become and cherishes. facing judgement terrifies her because it would mean the end of herself. 
     ( based on this )
8 notes · View notes
reel-fear · 4 months
Text
Genuinely so curious who Mike thinks is gonna be buying The Cage or the new DCTL GN bc with the way he tweets as far as he's concerned, it's not gonna be:
The queer people he has actively admitted he will never show any representation of in the games.
Tumblr media
2. The POC he has actively fought against representing in his franchise. [Who he also mocked for thinking they would be represented in his franchise]
3. The Bendy fandom which has always been concerned with topics of diversity esp in the sense of queer people since its creation. Who he has responded to really poorly esp in regards to the GN.
4. The fans who critique him. [He blocked me for doing so lol]
Tumblr media
5. His fans in general who he tweets about like this currently. [He's being vague about why people were mad at him or sent him 'nasty messages' because if you actually looked into why you'd see he was in the wrong. Either way, a very hateful way to speak abt ur own fanbase.]
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Reminder while Mike is trash talking his fans he has always treated them rather poorly. The fans who won the fanart contest for Chapter 5 never got their posters actually in game due to it being rushed. Not only was chapter 5 a big slap to the face story wise, but it was literally so rushed he couldn't be bothered to add in the art his fans gave him for his game FOR FREE. [Meatly blames this on a crazy timeline, reminder him and Mike are the literal ceos of this company. The proposal of future updates here is also pretty cruel considering Mike nowadays happily admits he corrupted Chapter 5's source code and therefore literally can't update it At All currently. Because he is a moron]
At least they got to be in Boris and the dark survival, and by that I mean that was the Only game they got to be in so far, isn't that just treating your fans like you love them? Shoving their hard work into a spin off game almost nobody has played or addresses much. [Hell, who knows if with the Lone Wolf rebrand they'll even stay there. In which case they'll be in None of the games, only in the credits of BATIM]
6. The Bendy fans who just generally disagree with him on stuff. Like the new ink demon design where there is literally a public poll showing people generally prefer the old one.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
7. The Bendy fans who can see he is actively lying to them. To their fucking faces.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
He says this has always been the case, but screenshots and links to tweets regarding the books being canon prove it was not. Does he really think bendy fans are stupid or something? [Unless he's admitting here he lied to Kress when he told her the books were canon which sounds worse!]
8. Anyone who doesn't like the idea of giving money to a guy who laid off tons of employees then afterwards thought it was a great idea to express his anti-union views! Also brag about how good of an employer he was, according to his employees, he was not!
Tumblr media
So in summary; Mike is an awful person who has not learned anything from the awful things he did. I will not be purchasing The Cage because, combined with this and his absolute refusal to take any kind of critique or see any differing interpretation of his franchise, I have no reason to think my problems with the franchise will ever be addressed or fixed. I probably will pirate The Cage along with any future Bendy Products [Including the movie] and will do my best to avoid giving it any kind of monetary support. Unless this changes any time soon, I can't see myself making anymore positive Bendy posts soon.
Mike has just managed to make it so hard to speak positively or optimistically of this franchise when he's so willing to broadcast how little he cares about it or its fans. I'm at the point where I refuse to pull any of my punches with my problems with it. What's the point of trying to play nice with my critique when either way the people creating it don't care?
So with this post, I want to invite anyone who feels similarly about the franchise to tell me, make a post or send an ask talking about how all of this makes you feel. It may not change how things are, but genuinely seeing other people share my feelings of anger makes me feel better. It feels nice to see when other people share our same concerns and worries. I'd also love to know if anyone else thinks they'll be avoiding purchasing Bendy products over this.
I'm not forcing anyone to participate in it nor trying to say anyone who doesn't supports mike but genuinely maybe if we can collectively decide to boycott things like the movie, graphic novel and The Cage... It might at least make the bendy devs acknowledge how much they have destroyed their own fandom's faith and trust in them.
The way Mike tweets about his actions like he had no control over why people were mad at him at least proves to me he takes NONE of it back nor regrets it. If you didn't know about his actions and only went off his tweets, you would be led to believe Mike has been needlessly picked apart by fans over things he couldn't control [or in his own words, had his words twisted and taken out of context]. That is not how you speak about your actions if you have actually learned better from them.
anyway, that has been my bendy dev callout post. This is an open invitation to anyone feeling similarly upset about the way the franchise is going to talk about it. It's genuinely nice to see how people feel about this and the more we talk about the more it's likely the bendy devs are forced to address our concerns. I don't think they will but hey, that's why I'm not gonna support them with my money anymore nor am I gonna be nice to them in any content I make critiquing Bendy. I mean I'm also basically making this post just in case anyone asks me Why I feel this way towards to bendy devs/as a way to respond to anyone who thinks I am too harsh in my critique in the future.
As always, it seems the best part of Bendy isn't actually anything about canon but about what the fan's are creating with the ideas Bendy failed to do anything interesting with.
Also the books, the books slap.
#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#ramblez#bendy and the silent city#bendy the cage#for the record another reason Im making this post is bc some of the only good resources to learn abt why the bendy devs suck are some old#very longer videos and this is a very long post but I thought it was important to document the recent shit theyve been doing alongside some#of the worst past things theyve done bc Mike has been trying to misinform people on what happened but those videos are still great resource#if you want more info n such#long post#mike D#for anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt him since he doesnt go by mood anymore#sorry if this is rambley or emotional Im just so sick of these guys fr dskjhgskdfjghskdjhgkjhsd#I miss when I didnt spend my days stressed about the awful shit mike is gonna say next and how I would have to disprove it in a post later#or explain why its bad to have a cast of nothing but cishet white guys n constantly fight back against any push for diversity in said cast#genuinely its just tiring esp when u see other bendy fans give ignorant or very silly defenses/takes on those things#n then u lose a lot of respect for them bc they are speaking on stuff they dont know much abt so confidently and therefore misinforming#people or even encouraging very bad views on stuff like diversity n its importance#Im not saying people like that are bad people but it is stressful n upsetting when u see someone u thought knew better do that sort of thin#it makes it hard to trust them again on other issues bc u now dont trust they know what they r talking abt!!#like please think twice before telling young artists making norman white was a tough and complicated decision it was fucking not the bendy#devs just think all their humans are white by default and dont wanna change that its been proven time n time again thats all it is#and defending them just bc u like a franchise they made is very very bad!! They are not ur friends!! they suck and we seriously need to#stop pretending they dont!! toxic positivity is only gonna make the fandom an absolute nightmare its not gonna make ANYTHING better#it just means people will be forced to PRETEND they never have negative thoughts abt the franchise n therefore make them burned out#just look at other similar fandoms please lets not make those same mistakes!!#sorry can u tell Ive been having just. A time recently#anyways back to making my queer ass bendy fan game full of so much diversity mike will prolly shit when he sees it DKFJGHKSDJHGKJHSD
71 notes · View notes
hella1975 · 5 months
Text
in the showing up to the library with an overnight bag part of exam season
45 notes · View notes
alluralater · 2 months
Text
super long rant incoming:
the joegoldbergification is super weird. like please please if you’re obsessed with me to an unhealthy and dangerous degree, just keep it to yourself. just don’t tell me, please. the amount of times someone has gotten like this with me and escalated things when i’ve told them to stop is seriously wild. and like wtf is this about saying how you didn’t want to have parasocial interactions like hello?? is my existence a performance to you? am i content created to be fed and consumed by you? and why WHY would you ever think it’s alright to take my kindness as an avenue to then start talking shit about femmes you had falling outs with?? what do you gain from that? certainly not respect from me and that’s why i called you out repeatedly on that shit. so so fucking weird. do you think you gain my pity or my sympathy?? you’re not a beaten dog so please stop. like oh my god the dog metaphor makes me wanna slam my head into a wall. like as someone who has literally been forced to watch animal cruelty take place, shut the fuck up. shut the hell up. your relationship ended and now you wanna demonize people and rewrite history thinking that if certain people don’t know the full story that they’ll just believe you. legitimately how the fuck and why the fuck would i do that when you position yourself as a blameless victim?? it’s so weird and odd. and on top of aaaaaall of that, to obsessively text me and try to like corral me into a corner and say all of this weird stuff like as if you’re spiraling about me when we’d only texted for three days (two of which i wasn’t even responding to you for) is seriously bonkers. like seriously thank fuck something told me not to sext you because i just know things would have gotten awful. it’s not normal and it’s not okay and it’s not healthy. please stop idolizing me. i’m just a person and i am no more interesting than the next person. your obsession is not my responsibility! to try and manipulate me with the way you talk about your ex is super super weird. like extremely weird. i have a mind of my own?? hello?? i make my own judgments myself and i use intuition for a great deal of that. took me all of five seconds after blocking you to check the femme discord and see that i should have already done so but i haven’t because i’ve been busy with family emergencies for like two months. very uncool. very weird, very strange behavior. not my job, not my problem. i am not all of these weird deified titles you like to call me. i don’t have to be ‘omnipotent’ to know that you are trying to bury her and scream your lungs out into the fucking grave as if she deserves it. god i fucking hate when people do this shit. like can toxic mutuals maybe just instead leave me alone?? ‘why are you mutuals with them if they’re toxic” BECAUSE I DIDNT KNOW AND I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO BE SOCIAL AND FIND OUT UNTIL NOW. like fuck dude i hate it here sometimes. if you’re just haha obsessed with me, GREAT. but please don’t start dumping all this weird shit about how i *make* you feel when im not doing anything and i’ve stated that im not encouraging anything and ive communicated that’s a you thing. i literally told you to focus on yourself and stop talking shit about her and you just kept doing it. the whole obsessed with me thing can be what it is, at this point it’s so normal irl and on here that i’m too exhausted to try and do it all, but the decision to keep going and keep talking shit about her and demonizing them and making yourself a blameless victim is fucking gross and no i actually won’t just sit there and listen to it in exchange for your attention or some weird shit like that. i find it super super weird your constant asking of me to tell you what i think about you and what i think about ANYTHING and everything about you. what the actual fuck?? and then to be like ‘i want to take accountability’ after i’ve already told you everything you’re doing wrong and locked my boundaries and said how uncomfortable i am?? that’s hilarious. anyways ugh okay that’s it bye
#literally come into my dms and take advantage of the fact that i haven’t been able to be social with any of my tumblr femme mutuals#like?? i literally thought ya’ll were still together and you switched up SO fast being fucked up to her. i was literally sick and why would#be responding to a million (maybe like 2-300) messages from you per day + 20 minute voice notes when i was legit rotting and dying and i#said that already but you still chose to make it about you for some reason??? red flags ALL over the place. and all of my posts which you#somehow decided to also make about you even though NONE of them were about you??#i was trying to be chill and see if you would balance out with the obsession but it just kept getting worse and worse and worse AND you kep#talking shit about them. you just couldn’t stop yourself. so yeah— fuck you for all of that bc i know they don’t deserve it.#the fact that im a kind person might make me look easy to manipulate to you but let it be known that i have great boundaries and im quite#capable of making my own decisions and making my own judgments about what the fuck is going on. god i should have just went to the server t#see in the first place. i should have just done that. by the time we were texting a bunch though i was like no im not gonna go check becaus#now it would be an invasion of privacy + nothing awful is being said so i suppose i don’t need to. fucking egg on my face lmfao. so stupid.#i should have checked and then blocked you. the fact that you were able to do all that in just a matter of days in our dms is like honestly#super wild to me. like??? maybe it’s because i was sick but it all felt so much longer. very uncool. super uncool. blocked as fuck.#ugh okay. that’s all i will be saying about that and now i’m done. 100% going to be very wary of mutuals i don’t talk to that come into my#dms. like next time you better bet im doing my research. my trust is fried.
13 notes · View notes
sundial-bee-scribbles · 3 months
Text
youtube
hai guys :3
#my video lol#my audio lol#vocaloid cover#synthv cover#synthesizer v cover#genbu#genbu synthv#evil food eater conchita#i am forcing everyone to look at this. look at my guy ehehehhkjnjkhgmlb AFTER TWO WHOLE ASS YEARS FINALLY#i couldve probably put more effort into this but ITS BEEN IN HERE FOR 2 YEARS i wanna be done w/ it already 😭#so regardless if it kinda sucks a little bit; its wayyy better than the covers i made like ~4? years ago when i was first starting out#was the iku drawing i posted before this foreshadowing?? not necessarily but its rly funny to think abt in hindsight#also rip genbu in a dress that i was gonna draw for this originally 😔✌️ i'd really love to draw more stuff for these covers i make#but it usually never comes out the way i want it to and i figure editing some sorta visualizer like this is better#than keeping some things trapped in my files for so long purely bc my extra ass wants a cool pv. some day maybe but not now#some sick fuck unsubscribed from me after i posted this BYE BITCH i dont miss you at all. live laugh love genbu in this house /j#im not the most obnoxious genbu stan i'd say but you WILL respect him in my house i do not tolerate genbu slander i love that man your hono#yes im extremely based bc he (and eleanor) were THE very first vsynths i ever actually fucked around w/ programwise#but WHATEVER!! idc he is so dear to me i do not regret buying his full version at all (it was impulsive)#the only synth i'd actually consider myself kinda good at tuning LMAO ik people hate how he sounds and have issues w/ him but not me...#these tags are too long girl stfu. anyways tldr; look at silly thang i made w/ my silly man#i love genbu and i love songs about cannibalism <3#Youtube
7 notes · View notes
spotsupstuff · 1 year
Note
Do you think ancients have nerves in their anemone hair? And if they wanted to cut it to a shorter length would they need to numb it first?
stars and heavens above you've no idea how much i had been mullin this shit over, fuckin.... cuz like Technically that hair is what a proper (our real life) sea anemones are. that's literally just it, the rest of the body is some weird ass evolution stunt circus that i've given up on tryin to explain to myself an hour into initial designing process. so by That logic they REALLY probably shouldn't be cutting it
but we don't have the evolution stunt circus rest of the body for nothin n they already do worrying body modifications so feckin hell might as well, right?
you can notice with Sparrows that she never really cuts it and it grows rather slowly
Tumblr media
(and also i am shit at watching out for the hair length most of the time)
so "haircuts" would be probably pretty rare and usually done by the wealthy or smth
but Also when i drew Wind as an Ancient
Tumblr media
my thought process was that the "hair" can be either pulled out completely (probably for those religious purposes again) or fall out naturally despite being a much more solid part of the Ancients than our own hair. es probably Some kind of medical condition
47 notes · View notes
dykeandballs · 2 months
Text
nyello
3 notes · View notes
pyrriax · 3 months
Text
ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
4 notes · View notes
lilgynt · 4 months
Text
my mom found the thing that started the fight that got me kicked out. so i was right. in my fantasies this happens and it’s great in real life im gonna jump her
#personal#now i gotta call amazon like no sorry my mom looked again and found it#it’s happened to me i get it. you look everywhere and it’s just not there#but oh my god. i was like shit did i send it??? i only remember the other camera? i only remember that one in there#then it’s like well maybe i did take it on accident#and then i was like am i getting so high all the time again that i sent it too???? and don’t remember? that’s pathetic mm#so i called them and god hard to find their number but call and get a note put in the system like hey might have done an oppsie#and that took forever and i did it next day after the fight bc i did feel bad#which was at workkkk 😔#now i gotta call them back nutssssss#also getting my dads ashes separated for my siblings#which either need to do flex time to do that or take day off#which i’ve been doing a lot like hey im sick!#hey! my house got broken into!!#hi again!!! it happened again!!!!#luckily one was a mental health day so ur boys only called out twice yeahhhhhhh#but anyway honestly just happy i let them know the urn situation is 100% on you#said nicer#but i was like hey if u have one just send it to me or the cremation place has some just see if u like any#and i’ll see if it’s easier to pay online or give it to me and i pay them#but urns easily 100 bucks if not more. granted looked at metal before wood but still. ain’t noooooooooooooo way#if it was like. 20 bucks i could see myself being like okay ill fork it over and deliver the goods (dad)#and i’ll rant this everytime but especially when i asked about this when we were funeral planning and before i got them and got told to#basically shut up. no. that trip was super hard didn’t wanna have to do it a couple times#i remember i came home with dad sobbing he was buckled in and i got him out and was just holding him#and i let everyone know hey dads home he’s safe#and i’m distraught holding my dad but distraught and talking to him#and first thing my brother says is when can we get some of the ashes too?#no asking me hey. u alright? no im happy dads home safe nothing just. sooooo#oh i could have killed i could have KILLED.
2 notes · View notes
bl00dw1tch · 1 year
Text
the way i have absolutely no business being the way i am
Tumblr media
#horse.txt#vent //#sort of. too high to be sad abt it im in anthropology mode and listening to music that makes me feel sexy so its fine yk#anyway i typed a whole bunch of other tags talking abt how and why i feel this way by going through a few of the events i can remember#from my childhood that Might explain why im so emotionally guarded and struggle to open up anymore.#bc i Wanted to say they all felt dumb and juvenile esp since ive actually like#made peace with most of the ppl who were involved with them#but the Anthropology mode was just tearing it all down as i typed it bc that Is just a ridiculous way to look at it no matter how you cut it#doesn't matter that nobody involved really Meant to deal that kind of harm and i dont need to hate or blame anyone in order to acknowledge#that it still just Happened. like thats a Memory already babe no do overs.#which is kind of just accidental therapy so sick. love that fir me genuinely!#but also yes theres the bitch part of me that still wants to discredit it bc acknowledging that it happened =/= Fixing My Issues#so im still at square one technically. ive just been pacing in circles on it for a while ig#EVEN WORSE that the Scale of my issues is so incredibly mundane compared to so many of the people i seem to meet.#sitting in bed crying abt not having friends for a few days in elementary school when other ppl have jojos bizarre adventure levels of Lore#i know im not technically invalid for feeling the way i do or anything but god. if it doesn't feel fucking Embarrassing to open up about😭#its impossible NOT to feel stupid and sensitive for having these first world ass problems. And letting them hold me back#bc ppl not liking me for any reason makes me sooooooooo fucking scared So fucking scared its not even funny 😝#at least. ppl in my Circles. im pretty ok about being assertive with randos#still some work to be done on it but its better than whatevers going on with my personal relationships rn#sincerely to my mutuals and loved ones who see this i swear to GOD i love you so so so fucking much and im so. im trying to figure out this#the stuff thats got me so distant and bad at keeping in touch. its a whole slew of feelings about how i see Myself--not yall#i double pinky promise cross my heart im extremely serious#thank you for being patient with me you mean more to me than im capable of putting into words right now#alright theres a shot of tears in the hollow of my collar bone time to wrap up this post#daily reminder that i love body hair. there's some honesty.#😎😎😎💪💪💪#the Quaritch under the cut is just to make me feel better bc i love him and i think hes so pretty. hes like a security blanket
4 notes · View notes
opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
Text
...
#truly i have too modes. so fucking busy i cant breathe. cant think without a muddled lag. feeling motion sick as i walk#a path ive walked a thousand times over. or not busy enough. without thr pressure i revert to a liquid state and spill across the floor#i cant seem to do anything. at least when im busy i cant feel how miserable i am. at least for a little while bc i have to focus#idk how to find a balance. it always seems to be all or nothing. outside my control but directed by my control#ugh. after the month ive had the misery's caught up with me. also i havent been sleeping enough#i felt horrible all day in the lab ans i was like. i mean maybe its low bloodsugar? but then when i went home i felt 1000 times better#which is. ya kno understandable but not great#idk i can just feel the anger leaking out from under my skin. ive made the system unlivable. now im suffocating on the echo of pain#and i feel bad bc it must b all over my face. bitterness simmering in my words#i met with my boss today for a delayed meeting of a delayed meeting and showed her some preliminary data. she was excited and asked what i#felt abt it. and i dont feel anything abt it. nothing. i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont fucking care#set my datasheets on fire. burn them to ash. i wouldnt feel anything#and im sure some of that sentiment came thru bc she later texted me to reiterate how cool the data is bc no ones done a study this#extensive ans i dont kno how to reply bc again i dont care. theres no breathing enthusiasm back. that dim light has been extinguished. i#look forward to never having to think abt it again.#whatever the more pressing issue is that i cant get my brain to function enough to save me from the other problems i have boiling over#just me sabotaging potential future happiness from where i sit unhappily in the present#annoying. ugh i need to sleep.#unrelated
9 notes · View notes
whomturgled · 11 months
Text
:^(
#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^#thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too#n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but#also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH#n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl#just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh#to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha#anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE#but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like#an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse#its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow#i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee#but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others#like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺#im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh#instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some#of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess#idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad#for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow#and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea#YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future#whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now.#god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u#feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr#It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!
2 notes · View notes
guinevereslancelot · 1 year
Text
what if i ate something besides toast and saltines 🤔
2 notes · View notes
sugaroto · 2 years
Text
Tiktok realized I was feeling off with my friend before I did
#pov: you slowly start hating your bsf *song on the back sick of your voice sick of your face sick of~*#and i was like whaattt noooo i dont hate *him* and thought of that one while at the time we supposedly were a trio#i saw two tiktoks like that#and then he send me one like 'haha why is tiktok showing me that?' or something#haha lmao dude same!! i also saw 2 of those i dont understanddd#and its been months#and just the other day i was talking with my mom and i told her how I felt and how hes been annoying me for no reason or done/said stuff#that bothered me#sbsjjsjs#and also. the last months im speaking daily with someone else and maybe not even exchange a word with my 'bsf' even though we sit together#in the bus and like- when sometimes i compare the 2 of them or how their reactions to stuff i say are-#idk i feel like hes constantly judging me or doesn't care about what I have to say so sometimes i dont even bother#like at this point im looking forward to the days hes not taking the bus back home so i can listen to music instead of sitting in silence#its an unspoken rule to always sit on the same place and i dont want to break it. even though the other day he was like 'sit on the front#cause im studying'#ahhshs ugh the other day I was like 30 minutes anxious he would judge me about something I did wrong but he never did#like am i just making shit up?? idk sometimes he just annoys me and i feel like an asshole cause we've been friends for so many years but#i do feel a better treatment by the new people im hanging out with most of the time like;#i never pay attention when you talk/oh yeah i remember that random thing you mentioned last year#and like i get he doesn't care about what we were talking about but literally saying 'i never pay attention to you 2' like ok. why even#talk to each other then? ... Also im sick of everyone who says shit like 'once we graduate we'll never see each other again' like yeah#if you have an attitude like that. like half of us are neighbors. i literally heard someone say 'can we be friends until july to go to the#concert?' and the other person was like why are you talking like that why wouldn't we be? and my bsf is one of those people who cant wait#to graduate and never return here#...oof ok im gonna go take a bath Goodbye#sugarenia talks#sugarenia diary#sugarenia has friends#sugarenia doesn't have friends
6 notes · View notes
devilofthepit · 2 years
Text
i am so much more mentally ill than i was last year but also in different ways. the problems i had a year ago have not gone away but i care significantly less now #growth unfortunately my current problems are now worse.
6 notes · View notes