#im so so fucking tired and stressed and angry and upset and i cant do anything

[electricpurrs]

i life is fucking falling apart out of nowhere and i dont know what to do sbout it

[lovecrazedpup]

i am going to kms

[whchenlvr]

THANK YOU SM FOR FUELING MY OBSESSION WITH WEAK HEROES, ITS SO DAMN HARD FINDING CONTENT FOR THEM SO IM REALLY HAPPY I DISCOVERED YOU 🥰 YOUR WRITING JUST HITS A REALLY SPOT IN MY BRAIN THAT I CANT REALLY EXPLAIN LMAOOO

SO IS IT OKAY IF I REQUEST SORT OF LIKE A FIGHT/MAKE UP SCENARIO WITH EUNJANG OR THE UNION? 🫣🫶

AAAAAA YES OF COURSE ML AND THANK YOU SO MUCH 😭🫶

making up after a fight ;

weak hero union x gn!reader

gray yeon

➤ you were upset about something at your part-time job, and when you tried to confide in your boyfriend, he “logically” sided with your co-worker. then he didn’t understand why you were upset with him

➤ “are... are you mad at me?” he’d ask, clueless, to which you huff and cross your arms. “yes.” “oh... so are we fighting?” “yes.” “oh. okay, then?”

➤ to make it up to you, even if gray doesn’t know what he did wrong, your boyfriend would buy takeout from your favorite restaurant to surprise you

➤ “look, i’m sorry. i’m honestly not one hundred percent sure what i did, and if that makes you even more upset, then i’m extra sorry. will you talk to me now?”

➤ you’ve always had a soft spot for gray’s subtle affection, so when he openly apologizes, you give in and explain the situation, even apologizing to him for being upset. your fight ends with binge-watching your favorite show together

ben park

➤ “fuck you.” “fuck you!” was the last ‘conversation’ you and ben had after a heated argument. you knew it’d been about something school related, but you couldn’t remember what exactly

➤ ben was angry with you at first, but when he finds you sitting by yourself after school, he’s more curious than anything else

➤ when he approaches, he hears you sniffling and watches as you wipe your face with the sleeves of your (his) hoodie. ben’s instantly at your side, rubbing your shoulder and asking what’s wrong

➤ “i just feel so bad. i didn’t mean it, i swear!” “please stop crying, i’m going soft!”

➤ the playfulness in his voice makes you laugh a little, wiping the remainder of your tears away. “i’m sorry, by the way. for, you know, swearing at you.” ben would chuckle at the shyness of your words. “yeah, yeah, me too. cutie.”

alex go

➤ he’s bitter. just bitter about the whole fight and how quickly it escalated

➤ you’re feeling bad yourself, guilty of raising your voice when you could have kept your temper

➤ still, you and alex put your differences aside and agree to meet on the rooftop of your workplace the next day, a nice getaway spot for the two of you

➤ “so,” “so… you wanna start?” “alright.” clears his throat into his fist and everything. “uh, yeah. that was… weird.”

➤ it took a while, but eventually, the conversation does flow. “look, i shouldn’t have yelled at you. i’m sorry, alex.” you apologize, and he can’t hide his smile. “wow. y/n l/n? apologizing? i must be some sort of god—“ “yeah, don’t push it.”

gerard jin

➤ honestly, i see gerard feeling super guilty whether or not he initiated the fight

➤ “y/n… can we talk?” even if you’re still mad, who are you to turn him down?

➤ you’ll sit next to him, and when you feel the weight of the situation on you, you rest your head on gerard’s shoulder and sigh. “i’m sorry.”

➤ “what are you sorry about? don’t… don’t stress, it’s all good, alright?” he hates fighting and knows you really dislike it as well

➤ you’d nuzzle your head against his shoulder and smile. “okay. don’t stress, either.”

teddy jin

➤ you’re both pretty petty about this since neither of you thinks you were in the wrong

➤ still, you sit beside each other on the steps ascending to your apartment. it isn’t long before teddy speaks. “i can’t believe you shaved my cat.”

➤ you sigh, tired of this conversation.“for the last time, she had fleas! what would you have preferred me to do?” “medication, y/n, medication!” “well..! i didn’t think of that at the time!”

➤ teddy huffs angrily at your response and throws himself back against the stone steps. after some more silence between you, he nudged your foot with his shoe. “it’s… fine. it’s just hair, it’ll grow back. and at least the fleas are gone.”

➤ you apologized once more, then the two of you spent the next two hours at a pet store, searching for some cat clothing for co

[corruptedsilence]

.

i know its my depression saying this but i just

i feel so useless here. i feel pointless, i feel so upset and angry at myself because im so angry at the fact i dont or cant ever just feel good enough. i forget so much and it makes me forget just how much i have and i come of as ungrateful and i just dont know what to do

ive hurt people because im so stupid, my emotions getting the better of me nad i cant do anything right here. im jumping blogs hoping it’ll fix something but no matter what its still just me, its still just the shit person i am who can’t get her fucking act together and do anything. maybe i should just yeet myself out, i dont know where i belong, i dont know where to go, im so stressed and i just wish i could sleep but if i dont do something ill only be more angry because i couldnt do what i love

i feel so isolated some days but i know its my own fault because i dont reach out and i just dont click with people because i cant socialize and i get so anxious thinking im always a burden, im always a problem people have to deal with so its better i just dont show up so everyone can have fun, its not like i contrubute anything to anyone anyway. maybe one or two people but even then they’d still do fine without me here, everyone would, because it always feels like whenever im gone i miss everything but when im here everyone is gone so i barely feel like im her at all.

im so tired, overworked, stressed, i just want to stay home and cry all day

but i cant because i cant just acll in, i have to call in monday becaus they keep scheduling me on days i have therapy and im tired of rescheduling and rescheduling and fighting for my own fucking right to get help

this is exactly what i wanted to avoid, depression posting but i guess i just cant help myself becuase i just feel alone and i just want someome here but i know no one can do anything because its my own issue

[shoeshoesho]

1/1/24

i was so sad after new years today. and i really dont know why. I let out a good cry and i really couldnt stop crying. I think i was angry. I was mad at tyler. And come to realize it ive been mad at him for a long time. I just dont know why. I think i do but it doesnt seem to make anything better.

I was upset yesterday because we went to this party that had nothing going on and we didnt know anyone and quite honestly i was bored. At some point i thought we should do something else but he didnt want to. But when i really think about it im not upset about these strangers we met randomly for some dumb new years party. I actually dont care. I was mad everyone all week since i worked for all of christmas. I was tired. I was going everywhere. I had a moment before we went to his parents house when he said we were sleeping over- i literally yet out a small yell in pure frustration.

I feel like ive been running on nothing for the holidays. giving everyone everything. Had an decent thanksgiving- tyler had a horrible one and i felt like i owed him somehow. Somwhere in that "owe" it attributed to some horrific holiday following that for me. Mostly accounted to working so much/working early and not sleeping enough. I just feel like ive been faking it for so long. Faking how things are going. Trying to give him a good holiday and everyone else.

Truth be told we have been fighting since we got engaged. Well, since i started wedding planning actually. not after engagement. It has nothingto do with us getting together but everything to do with how well we work together when im stressed. We have never been good together when I am stressed. We have never communicated well. And it shows during the planning and discussing. You seee clearly we are different people, different places.

I dont know how to bring this up. but me crying on new years day by myself is a red flag. I was so mad that we slept at bryans and had breakfast there. I honestly cant tell you why cause looking back at it now it was cute and it didnt take that long. It was nice. But why was i so upset?

I started frantically cleaning. and i began to be angry at him. i was angry that he didnt think to wash the big pot in the sink. That i was washing every fucking blanket and towel in the guest room. Why was i doing this? I was mad that i was basically his maid. I was mad that he didnt think maybe he should help me out.

I felt like i didnt actually do what i wanted to do. this is what i always do. I felt like i was loosing my identity. I felt like i was taken for granted.

(next morning)

i dont know why i was so upset. It has dissapeared like a wind. But i really need to know what i was that upset me. maybe a breaking point? Maybe i am unhappy? Im not too sure

[rjshepherd]

I need more submissive karl in heat 👀 with the same partner from before. Maybe their first time being exposed to karl in such a state? Let The Service Top Shine And Praise The Good Boy

ok its spicy under the read more as usual lads

- so im not a HUGE fan of making people, particularly abused men with agency into little UWU helpless baby subs when it comes to sex.

but that being said

karl is a little helpless when it comes to heats. They come on so strong and he is still a human, unlike the lycans. he’s just not equipped to deal with so many hormones flooding his body at once, even after having heats by years. he sort of just. malfunctions. Can't do things that yesterday he could do with ease, struggles with basic tasks because he's out of his mind with fever and horny. i don't know if id say "he needs an adult" but he def needs someone sober and not lust drunk to keep him out of trouble and remind him to eat.

- this submissiveness is absolutely not by choice. were it up to him he'd keep the bravado even when bottoming. He forces himself to keep going, pretend hes not having this kind of heat until he literally collapses with either fever or exhaustion and is usually just stuck lying where he fell until a lycan comes across him or the heat wears off. its a little different with you around but either way, hes not happy about this situation and he's sure as hell going to let you know about it.

- He cant take care of this himself so he's dependent on you. but that doesn't mean he's a patient man. i always say he's a bottom but he's not the most submissive person alive. there's a lot of "hurry up and fuck me already" or " get moving i cant wait any longer". its a cross between demanding and begging. if he can move without too much pain, he likes to top from the bottom if you know what i mean.

- i think the first time you came across him like this was different. You had NO IDEA what to expect and probably didn't even realise he was in such pain because he was so adept at hiding. now days you can tell, maybe even have a calendar so you can prep a few days before. but the first time was an absolute shit show. i can see it happening in a few different scenarios, you can choose which one you like best:

1. Karl wanders into the lycans den, desperate for some relief from his heat. the hormones have him almost floating towards the other infected like a loonytoons character smelling food, hes powerless to stop its pull on him. after a few hours of searching you finally find him in the lycans den, looking bloodied, like he's been in a fight. You dont know it until later, but that's just how lycans mate. there's no difference between fighting and fucking for them and this is how karl as been dealing with things for years. You freak out, dragging his semi-conscious ass from the bottom of the lycan pile and back to the factory to patch him up. When he finally comes to he's almost feral; he's having trouble making coherent sentences, body freaking out because he's not surrounded by the scent of the lycans. Feverish and painfully aroused in seconds he tries to shy away, get up and go back to the lycans but he's just too weak. He tries to hide his embarrassment from you as he spreads his legs, making a space for you between them. i see a smile creep onto your face as you realise what he's asking you to do for him. Imagine his surprise when you do actually clamber onto his bed whispering sweet nothings "dont worry darling, im here now. ill take care of you."

2. after a few days of just avoiding you, snapping at you and generally being a grumpy unlikeable fuck you both crack. You get upset first and that sets off karl. Hes shouting and shaking and finally he just slides down the wall, too tired to put up a fight anymore. before you know it he's angry crying from the stress of it all and finally just tells you whats wrong: he's harder than a slab of concrete and needs you, just you, to fuck him so he can finally get some peace. sitting on the floor of the bathroom or something it's hard not to see the tenting in his jeans " that looks painful." you mutter " want your alpha to take care of you?" you offer.

Karl whimpers, hand flying to his mouth to stifle the sound. EVENTUALLY he nods, letting you know he's game "good boy" you murmur crouching down in front of him . just your words had such an effect on him? he must be really suffering. so why didn't he just ask? pride probably. maybe he was embarrassed that you or your scent affected him so much. you're just a tiny uninfected human how can you have such influence over the most powerful lord in the village?

having you crouch there, gazing right through his tough facade is doing things to him. He's a little hesitant at first, spreading his legs or bending over to present himself to you. but it's such a sweet gesture, who are you to deny him? you literally fuck him into the floor where he fell, in the middle of the factory where anyone could see. maybe he uses his powers to help you lift him up so you can fuck him against the wall. he's taking most of his weight but he's acting like its all you, clinging to you for dear life as you rock his world. don't forget to praise him as you go, he is your good boy after all.

3. karl wakes up besides you with the worst heat he's ever had. His scent doesn't actually affect you but yours is REALLY affecting him. you can definitely smell his, regardless. If this is how strong it is for you, it must be absolutely MADDENING for poor karl. it's like a fog that's filled the whole room. Karl is almost incoherent with lust, able to do little more than whimper and beg for you to help him out. how you've come around to becoming the alpha's alpha is beyond you, but you aren't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

His hands are already down the front of his shorts, desperately trying to find some relief for himself but he just cant . He's dropped all pretense of shyness or embarrassment; he just doesnt care at all right now. you have a little chuckle to yourself "so shameless." you laugh , leaning over him. you inhale deeply running your tongue along the shell of his ear. Karl shudders "a-are you going to help me or not?" he huffs, eyes clenched shut . You answer his question by clamping your teeth down on his neck. Karl keens, back arching in pleasure but its not enough to push him over the edge. you slap his hands away to take care of him yourself. He's hopeless when he's like this. "you keep forgetting darling." you say as you sooth the bite with a kiss " no one can touch you like i can." i think this is one of the few times Karl ever submits to you completely : He needs you but he doesn't just want you to bred him, no, he wants to be yours, wants you to mark him for the whole pack to see. you have a blank cheque for mayhem. Make as much of a mess of Karl as you want, cover him in bites and kisses from head to toe, fuck him so hard he can't sit down for days or love him so gently he clings to you and cries in joy when he finally finds relief from this heat. He's yours now, you can do whatever you want with him ~

in the days after , karl is walking around with a love drunk expression, black and blue from bites and hickeys but happier than he's been in weeks. The other lords might raise a few eyebrows but as long as you two are together ,who cares what they think?

there you go nonnie, i enjoyed this IMMENSELY. in fact i genuinely might take all 3 of these scenarios and write some ftm or pegging specific reader x karl stuff. its good shit and since ive fleshed it out here half the work is done already lmao. theres a lot of karl fics out there rn but theyre all top, macho karl taking care of the reader ( which is great dont get me wrong) but i like to cater to a different audience ~

[ablackfangirlwrites]

Jealous

A/n: y'all should already know I really like beyonce and I really like fics inspired by music so this is just a product of that 😘 I linked the song in the title

Also language warning? Da be cursing in this one

You watched the clocks hit 4am

Keigo should have been home hours ago

Yet he wasnt

Not even a call or text

Clearly he forgot or he didnt care

And all you could do was sit there alone and feel pathetic

Your tears had already dried up a half hour ago

But that didnt mean you felt anything less then humiliated as you sat there with the now empty bottle of champagne and half naked in the lingerie you bought

It was your two year anniversary

You had it all planned out although you didnt plan for him to be a no show

But you could only blame yourself for that

Having a hero as a boyfriend is difficult

Anyone who was in a relationship with one would agree with that

But you were sure you had it just a bit worse

Because your boyfriend just so happened to be the number 2 hero

You thought it was bad when he was just number 3

But since hawks started holding the second spot it kept getting worse

At first things were fine; Great even.

He was a dotting boyfriend the two of you talked and laughed with each other about everything

Anyone who saw you together wouldn't have any doubts that you were in love

And you knew being in an official relationship would be difficult he was a hero after all

And especially since he didnt even want anyone knowing about the two of you

But you remember all those sweet words keigo would tell you

"I don't know what I'd do without you babe."

"I dont want anyone else sweetheart."

"Kid you're the most important person in my life."

"I love you y/n."

But that was the thing keigo said those things keigo was the one who kept promises he was the one you fell in love with

Not hawks

They were different people

Hawks was the man who put everything above you

The one whos lies and refuses to be straight with you

The one who shuts you out

The one who shamelessly flirted with everyone even on national tv knowing you'd see

But still didnt seem to care

And if he didn't care why should you?

Hawks got home around 6am and saw the place a mess

Curtain on the floor, broken glass. Everything disheveled

He almost thought someone had broken in and had a fight

But he knew bettter when he saw you sitting on the couch mascara stain on your face

"Shit." He mutter to himself

He knew exactly why you were upset and had this tantrum

But it wasnt exactly like he could pause in the middle of a mission to text you

"Im sorry y/n." He said sitting a banquet of roses down beside you

But keigo knew at this point those flowers were useless

"You think thats supposed to make me feel better?" You said bitterly

"Babe-"

"Dont fucking babe me." You yelled at him, "You forgot! I sat up all night looking like an idiot and you forgot because when it comes down to it you don't care about anyone but yourself keigo!"

"I was working."

"Like I believe that," you shook your head, "I bet you were with one of your new sidekicks. I bet you were just showing off for one of your adoring fans forgetting that im here."

You knew he was telling the truth he had no reason to lie about it

But in your mind you wanted to yell, you wanted to be angry you wanted to hurt him like he had been hurting you

Because tonight wasnt the first time he didnt keep a promise as of late or just simply neglected you

This had been boiling for a while and now the pot was over flowing

Hawks grew more frustrated as you yelled you were making stuff up and it wasn't even his fault

"It wasn't like that," he tired to talk only for you to jump in

"Save it hawks." You rolled your eyes walking out the room, "just admit you dont appreciate me cause you're comfortable knowing im just sitting here waiting on you and you don't have to put any real effort when you want to get your dick wet."

Keigo followed you from the other room yelling, "You know that isnt true! And you knew how this relationship was going to be from the beginning!"

"What realtionship?" You yelled, "You're barely home! I never see you anymore, and when I do its either you on tv flirting with some random person! Or when were here together you dont talk anymore! How do you think that makes me feel?"

You were letting your fears and jealousies speak, "is it someone else? Are you fucking somebody else Keigo."

"You are so insane of course not! Im working all the time its commission stuff I cant talk about it." Keigo knew deep down you were right he had been drifting away but that was because of work not because he was falling out of love with you

But maybe it was the stress of being up all night or because he was angry that you were clearly yelling at him for no reason he didint tell you that instead he yelled "You're being so fucking paranoid."

"Dont just brush me off-" but Hawk cut you off this time

"If I wanted to fuck someone else trust me kid I would, and I can cause if you hadn't noticed im pretty popular."

"You're such an asshole!"

"And your crazy!"

"Then why do you even bother Keigo! Just go!" You said throwing a pillow from your bed at him

"You're right I should! Cause its fucking pointless when your-you're acting like such a bitch." He said catching it and throwing it on the floor

His words hurt and you knew you had been pushing him to yell but still not wanting to let go you yelled with hot tears in your eyes, "I hate you!"

You both seemed to freeze once those words were spoken

You wanted to immediately take it back

You wanted to tell him that you didnt hate him that you loved him so much that it hurt

That all you really wanted tonight was to spend it in his arms

But you couldn't swallow your pride

Instead you turned away from him

Keigo knew things had already gone too far when he chased after you yelling

He felt guilty about his words

He didnt mean anything he had said, ...you kno- I- Im sorry y/n." He tried to reach out to you but you pulled away from him

"I cant do this anymore Keigo..."

Panic was clear on his face once you spoke those words

Couldnt do what?

Him? You two have aruged before you can get over it, "Y/n-"

"Ill sleep on the couch tonight." You said leaving the room and keigo

Who could only sit and wonder what would become of your relationship in the morning

Y'all bet ur sweet asses there'll be a part 2

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

How Bad is Sia’s “Music” really?

I watched it illegally (because there was no way I was paying for that bullshit) and found out. It’s not as bad as we thought... It’s worse.

TW for ableism, Sia, drugs, alcohol, just in general a terrible movie, meltdowns, blackface

Literally the first thing you hear while they’re showing the production companies is THOSE stereotypical noises. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ll know what I mean.

And yes, she does this for the WHOLE fucking movie

What was the need to show her in her underwear? Maddie Ziegler was 14 when this was made, so what was the need??? And why did Sia prolong the scene by having her hitting herself?

Less than a minute in and my reaction was already “what the fuck is this shit?”

So the opening number not only had stereotypical exaggerated facial expression, it has Maddie in BLACKFACE?!? And with culturally appropriated hair?!?

The exaggerated facial expressions are literally constant and I took photos during the film to show it, more later, but I’ll keep mentioning it

ITS LITERALLY THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME SHE IS ON SCREEN

Even her way of walking is fucking offensive, Jesus Christ

The vocalisations just had me cringing so hard, I cannot describe how awful it made me feel

Why do all the neighbours need to be paid off and help her when she goes for a walk? I don’t-

Yes, by about the five minute mark I was already seriously debating all my life decisions. It was that bad.

Kate Hudson really didn’t give a fuck that her grandma died

I will keep saying it but WHY are the facial expressions/vocalisations CONSTANT?!! Literally they do not stop at all. I work with a child who is actually similar to this in that he’s nonverbal and he makes similar noises/faces, but the way they’re in this movie is so over-exaggerated?!? And even the kid I work with doesn’t do it 24/7?!?

Sia, calling your characters Zu and Music doesn’t make them interesting in the slightest. They’re still painfully terrible and one dimensional

Literally ONE minute after being left alone with her autistic sister, Zu calls the mental health service asking if they could “theoretically” “pick up” her sister?!? Like she wants to get rid of her already?!?

“A magical little girl” - autism isn’t a magical power?!? And Music is a young woman, not a little girl?!? Why are you infantilising her?!?

Okay I’m not being funny but this choreography is NOT hard. ANYONE can do it, so claiming that you needed to hire a dancer to be Music because of the numbers is literally bullshit (and even so, there are so many amazing autistic actors and dancers?!?)

20 minutes in and I wanted to give up

So she had her first meltdown because her hair didn’t get braided immediately and that’s... certainly interesting??

The fact that Leslie Odom’s character says “I’m going to crush you now”?!?

AND THEN HE FUCKING PICKS HER UP AND FULL-BODILY PINS HER DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR

“I’m crushing her with my love” - oh fuck you, just fuck you

So Sia lied, the restraint scenes were NOT removed and there was no warning. She’s a fucking POS liar

I have no idea why he’s called Ebo or why he has such a cliche African accent?!? I might have missed out on why because I was busy trying not to bang my head into the table while I watched this film but just... yikes

“He (his brother) liked to be held” - YEAH, HELD. NOT FUCKING CRUSHED

“He is dead now” - IM NOT FUCKING SURPRISED IF YOU CRUSHED HIM LIKE THAT

The constant babying and patronizing of the autistic character is so exhausting to watch. I’m so tired

“Planning on sending her to the people pound but I guess I’ll keep her a little longer” - SHE WAS JOKING BUT THAT WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY A FUNNY JOKE. NOT EVEN IN AN AWKWARD WAY

STOP THE FACES IM-

^ YEAH, Sia, totally a fucking love letter to the autistic community here ^

So Zu finds this necklace she made as a kid that had a little dog on it, and she says to Music, “He had seizures too, just like you”... MELTDOWNS AND SEIZURES ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME FUCK THIS MOVIE-

It’s like Sia is trying to make the movie funny but it’s really not at all

Is Zu implying that Music is autistic because the mum was a junkie?!?

For real though, the dialogue in general is so fucking awful and cringey. Whoever wrote this should never be allowed to write again

Did she seriously leave her autistic sister alone to talk to who I’m presuming was her dealer or loan shark?!?

Also why is he - a white dude - wearing cornrows?!?

So who is the film really about? The autistic girl or the older sister saviour? I think we all know the answer to that one

WHY IS SHE WALKING AROUND WITH HER TEETH JUTTING OUT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

The musical numbers are literally so painful to watch. The overly bright colours, the flashing... my eyes were hurting and so was my brain

Autism representation aside for a second, the musical numbers/choreography are all fucking atrocious. Ditto for the costumes

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE PINK OOMPA LOOMPA FRUIT THINGS?!? THEY LOOK LIKE THE PINK VERSIONS OF VIOLET BEAUREGARDE THE BLUEBERRY

I wanted to cry by this point, this movie is far more awful than I thought

“I’m not saying she doesn’t want to change, I’m saying she can’t” - FUCK YOU. Why is it okay for him to assume what she can or can’t do

Can I just say that autistic people aren’t constantly in a coked up wonderland state?!! We don’t see the world as a wonderland fantasy world 24/7?!!

“She can hear you from two rooms away” / *shows her listening through two brick walls to a conversation* — Also, we don’t have super fucking sonic hearing?? WE CANT HEAR THROUGH FUCKING BRICK WALLS?!?

“She can understand everything you’re saying to her” - she’s autistic not fucking deaf

Less than 45 minutes in, there’s another meltdown in the park

“I’m not climbing on top of a small screaming white girl in public” - yeah please fucking don’t

So Zu fucking pins her down with her weight 🤦‍♀️

“She doesn’t know who she’s hitting” - IM SORRY WHAT

EBO LITERALLY SAID “TREAT HER LIKE A BEAR” when talking her through the prone restraint, I fucking CANNOT

“Tell her she’s safe” - NOT IF YOU FUCKING RESTRAIN HER LIKE THAT SHE IS NOT

The fact that she gets up, smiling and happy after a meltdown and immediately is excited to get a snow cone... I can honestly say that after a meltdown, I am in no way happy or smiling. I am often not very verbal and I’m withdrawn/not myself for at least several hours, usually the rest of the day. Fuck this film

This film is literally just about Zu, and Music is there for a plot device to give her character development. That’s all she’s there for.

Love how Sia shoehorned Zu being suicidal in there. You know, just to try and make her more easy to sympathize with (it doesn’t work)

This film is literally just a 1 hour 47 minute Sia music video with ZERO plot

WHY WERE THEY WEARING PILLOW DIAPERS IN ONE NUMBER-

I really did not feel into the side plot with that guy who was fighting but it was still better than the actual movie so...

I am SO DONE with the NON STOP CONSTANT vocal shit. So tired.

LOJ’s only role in this film is to be the stereotypical wise black guy who assists a white woman’s story. There’s like hardly any other depth there

The Ebo/Zu romance is so fucking stupid and pointless and out of NOWHERE. I couldn’t even tell if they were into each other or not

I was already so bored of the musical numbers by this point. They added NOTHING to the plot but they pretended they did, and I was so over it. And it’s not because I’m not “creative enough” or anything to understand, I love musicals and I think it could have been cool if done right... but it wasn’t. They were a mess. It’s just bad.

Sia really tried to pretend her movie was deep but really it’s a shallow mess

So Zu is meeting rich drug clients and says to Music “try not to have one of your freak outs up there” and “if you could try to get it out now”... FUCKING YIKES. It’s not an on/off button, shut the fuck up

YEP THIS WAS THE SIA CAMEO FUCK THAT BITCH

The fact that she just calls “DRUG DEALER?!? DRUG DEALER IS THAT YOU”, fucking end this please-

I fucking hate this bitch I’m dead serious

“We’re gonna send them to Haiti cause there’s been an earthquake. All these buildings fell down, children’s bones were dislocated” - WHY WAS SHE SO CHEERFUL ABOUT IT

“Gonna buy a shit load of pain meds, gonna but them on my private plane” - FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU

“Pop stars without borders” - Sia thinks she’s so clever but I would give anything to punch her I swear-

ANOTHER MUSICAL NUMBER JUST STOP IM BEGGING YOU

There’s this awkward conversation/bit with Zu and her drug dealer/loanshark about his outfit that was clearly meant to be funny but was just flat and painful

Yep, Sia really showed Music eating chewing gum off the underside of a park bench. Of course.

Look, the kid I work with does similar stuff by putting literally anything and everything in his mouth but like... why would you put that in your movie?

And there’s no indication before this that Music puts everything and anything in her mouth, she just randomly decides to get on her knees, under the bench and eat chewing gum, like she calculates that it’s there and gets it???

She has a THIRD meltdown after an allergic reaction to a bee sting and her sister just yells at her before realizing... I’m not here for this movie, I feel like I drifted off and was not really there

So Zu got angry because she left the drugs at the park but she’s not that upset that her sister had an allergic reaction???

Zu gets absolutely drunk because a) she lost Sia’s drugs and b) she’s stressed out by her autistic sister... wow, great message, Sia!

She really fucked off and left her sister alone to go clubbing/on a bender

The less said about the musical number here the better

Sia’s movie also checks the box of having stereotypical Asian parents, specifically stereotypical Asian dad being harsh/angry and hitting his wife!

ALSO HE PUSHED AND KILLED HIS SON WTF IS HAPPENING

Less than 3 minutes after the last, there’s a musical number that I think was about this side character going to heaven... another shitty Sia-esque number

The patterns during the number made my brain hurt.

Also there are so many autistic actors who can also dance, and yet Sia chose the neurotypical one because ✨ N E P O T I S M ✨

I just want to know how it was deemed necessary to show the fact the autistic character peed/wet herself? I mean... ??? It’s just so undignified and not at all necessary to the plot. Nothing happens after that, it just moves onto the next scene and it didn’t do anything

“I have no one” - 1) YOUR FUCKING SISTER. 2) GEE I FUCKING WONDER WHY, couldn’t be that you’re a shitty human being?!?

There’s a scene where Music is walking and she does ALL the stereotypical behaviours at once... just YIKES

Zu somehow stopped another meltdown just by grabbing Music by the shoulders and sitting her down???

Aaand yep. Another shitty musical number

Zu really goes to put her sister in a fucking facility and claims it’ll be “better for her” - BULLSHIT. Better for Zu, maybe, not Music.

Ah yes - the girl who the characters have said has problems with routines being changed/change in general... you’re now going to fuck up her routine by dumping her in a facility. Perfect Plan.

The nonverbal autistic girl suddenly speaking to say “don’t go” - you can just predict it from the off, can’t you?

Love that as soon as Music starts talking, Zu is like “fuck it, I’ll keep her!”

Zu really went and crashed Ebo’s brothers wedding... in a fucking bralette... YIKES

“I almost gave Music away” - SHE IS NOT A DOG YOU DONT GIVE PEOPLE AWAY

“We should sing a song” - PLEASE DO FUCKING NOT

Also that kiss/romance montage between Zu and Ebo was the CRINGIEST fucking shit ever

This movie seems to be implying that Music has locked in syndrome or something, like she’s locked in her own head or whatever it’s called, and I just... *sigh*

Oh and now Music magically fucking sings in a room FULL of strangers... this is literally embarrassing, please let this end

I mean it, this movie was fucking painful to watch on ever level

She got a service dog puppy which... okay?

Oh look, it’s the only decent song on the soundtrack but with an absolutely shitty over-stimulatory music video with the credits!

I can only name 5 characters in this film. Maybe 7 at a push, but even then I would be guessing

AND YEP SHE THANKED AUTISM SPEAKS OVER THE CREDITS. FUCK YOU SIA 🖕🏻

Let me reiterate: this is a movie about a neurotypical former drug addict whose character development comes from the autistic character, from having an autistic sister she has to take care of. I’m so tired.

We are NOT plot devices or tools for character development. Not once does anyone in this film treat Music like a human being - she’s treated as a burden, a problem, and then like a pet that they decide to keep. Not once is the film focused on how she is feeling - it’s always about Zu or Ebo. The performance itself was so over exaggerated and it made me want to cry when I watched it because this is how the world sees us, and this movie will make it ten times worse. It’s stuff like this that made me think “I don’t want to be labelled as autistic because people will think I’m a certain way”, that made me wait so long before going to the GP to get a referral.

As I said, poor autistic representation aside, the movie is just so appallingly bad. It truly is one of the worst films I’ve watched. If you’re going to watch it, please don’t - or, if you want to because you want to see how bad it is/to raise awareness/critical posts, at least do it illegally. Do not give Sia your money.

[yugiohprince]

can a bitch just rest for once

[fairycosmos]

Do you think theres a way out of feeling like you have to justify everything you are and believe over and over again? Its just bothers me how everytime i try to be something more than the pretty doll that everyone wants me to be, nobody takes me seriously and im just fucking tired of always having to make sure that everyone in the room understand that im not an object. Sorry its just that everybody around me thinks that the patriarchy doesn't exists and i have nobody to talk about this.

man, fuck people that don’t think the patriarchy exists……womens lives are dictated by it, it doesn’t take a genius to see that. i’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult internal struggle right now and i know a lot of people can relate to what you’re going through!! like as a young woman there will always be this learned insecurity and this need for validation, because we’re conditioned so that our happiness depends on it. this is just my opinion and could be wrong but. i think a lot of older women have spoken about how as you age, you become more sure of yourself and your convictions, and superficial factors such as appearance begin to take a back seat in your own perception. even if the rest of the world is still on some bullshit about it.  but unfortunately it takes a lot of time, personal growth and effort to get to that point. i think there’s definitely a way out of it though, and part of me believes it begins with being able to recognize what toxic mindsets you’ve internalized from the way in which you were raised. try to examine your own feelings and reactions a little. why does someone else ‘giving permission’ to your beliefs, validate them? do other peoples opinions of you take away from everything you, as a person, have to offer? what can you control about this, and what is simply other people projecting their insecurities/sexism onto you? once you’ve come to some personal conclusions, you may begin to realize how shaky the foundations of your ‘self worth’ are. then you can begin to rebuild them from a healthier place. once you start drawing confidence from within, instead of from an external source, it’s a lot more substantial, at least in my experience….but it’s good to remember that you can recognize all of this and still be frustrated. your emotions are yours and it’s ok to feel them. other people are infuriating, they’ve been raised on the same diet of dumb ass sexism as we all have, and so their beliefs are going to be reflective of that. it’s not fair and you SHOULD be angry, you SHOULD be upset. but long as you’re trying to approach your own self from a place of kindness, then you’re doing great. you really really have nothing to prove to anyone, i cant stress that enough. i know it doesn’t feel that way at times, but it’s true. if there are people who view you as nothing more than an object, then you are within your right to distance yourself from them as much as possible. you can choose who you let into your heart, and who deserves to see all that you are. some people simply aren’t worth it. theres a quote that come to mind and it goes something like this:

confidence isn’t about walking into a room and knowing everyone will like you, it’s about knowing you’ll be fine if they don’t.

i think it’s a good broad guideline to go off of. there are so many fucking assholes in this world, and the way they view you has nothing to do with you. i know it still impacts your life, because a lot of them have power, but being able to recognize how fake it all is helps a lot. when you truly believe that you are a whole person and that nobody can change that fact, then it’s easier to not need anyone else to gas you up. i understand it’s all a lot easier said than done though, and it’s natural to take it at your own pace. finding that inner belief doesn’t have to be an easy or linear process, but know it’s very possible. i dont know if this helped, this is such an extensive topic and i feel like there’s so much more to say, but if you ever need a friend feel free to message me about it any time. you dont have to deal with this alone. sending love and health to you and your family ❣️

[sovengarde]

i hate to vent in public but at this point my notes app is filling up and i have no where else to let this out

i really fucking hate being mentally ill. i fucking hate that i blow up at small things and push everyone away. i always fuck everything up, one way or another. everything is always my fault.

my mother has a friend she wants us to stay with but i hate it over there. im trying not to sound like some stoner cali dude but literally the vibe there makes me physically sick. by the time we're leaving, or fuck even before then, im just so drained of any energy it's not even funny. like i cant fall asleep to save my life but as soon as we get home im passed out, provided i didnt do that in the car.

but because the situation at home isnt great either she wanted us to stay with her. and normally i just say no i dont and it never really escalates but when the whole fight that happened last week between my mother and grandfather that denial was fought by her. i told her i didnt want to go into detail and she got upset but i figured it wouldnt be a problem like any other time.

so she leaves for a week to spend some time there and i locked myself in my room for the week. it felt nice to be by myself and not on edge all the time. because being around her is also draining. fuck she even said she had an amazing time. i've been trying to convince her to go back next week lol.

i walk on eggshells around my own mother. anytime she does anything remotely wrong i have to just sit and take it, because god forbid i bring up any concern to her. she shuts down and then a few hours later im being guilt tripped into apologizing. lather rinse repeat for the 19 years ive been alive.

honestly i wouldve rather have been raised like she was and not allowed to talk about anything at all. rather than her telling me i can talk about anything and when i actually do she throws it back into my face and blows up at me.

i have so many vivid memories of her losing her shit over things ive said. like the time i first came out and she screamed at me that i wasnt transgender bc i didnt fit the fuckin description of the 2 episodes of i am jazz she watched.

or when i told her about my suicidal thoughts and i had to coax her into the driveway bc she was standing in the street saying stuff like "well i should just let a car run me over!"

oh and then the time where she was screaming though the walls of my bedroom that "you should just get emancipated! how about you just fucking leave!" i used to have a fuckin recording of that but when my fb got closed i lost it.

just recently with my new psychiatrist i told her about the bpd diagnosis, side note i fuckin knew i had it since 10th grade, her gut reaction was "yea well i have all kinds of cancer! sorry go on" she fuckin """""""apologized"""""" after that. that literally told me her actual thoughts on my mental health, and that either she doesnt believe me or just doesnt fucking care

and then if i bring it up and she gaslights me telling me that shed never say anything like that. listen idk if you know this but traumatic events kinda stick in your brain for your entire life. i can hear her screaming at me when i think about these times, i can almost see it, it's like im actually there again.

but of course it's always my fault. shes on the phone with my aunt i think talking about "well that plans just not gonna happen." so blatantly in front of me. sitting in the bathroom of her office building damn near nauseous from the stress and then were gonna go home and shes either gonna keep being angry or try and act like itll never happen.

shit like this is why im constantly high now. because at least she'll leave me alone when im high. honestly with how things are going my racist, transphobic, and man baby grandfather starts to look less horrible compared to her. because at least he wont fuckin allow me to let my guard down and then spit in my face.

im so fucming exhausted, im quite literally at my wits end. ive only been in such a deep depression in highschool and i tried to game end myself. literally what the fuck am i supposed to do. i only have like 1 friend i can talk to and i hate putting shit on her, shes got enough on her plate as is. i dont have a therapist anymore. my psychiatrist doesnt like to talk about what's going on bc hes afraid of weed and only schedules meetings that are 30 minutes long.

worst part is i cant fuckin cry. i wanna let these emotions out but after years of pushing them down my """""""normal""""""" is unbareable numbness. i dont feel anything whatsoever. i react inappropriately in most situations. im just in a constant detached state, when i finally see through my own thick shit im terrified of who ive become, that is if i can even recognize my own face.

but from a very early age it was beaten into me that showing weakness to anyone will get me hurt so i stopped. moms even commented that i dont react in normal ways. shes told me she doesnt believe i have panic attacks as often as i do because im not outwardly freaking out. firstly theres multiple kinds of panic attacks. secondly everytime im shaking and suffocating i get yelled at. told im making too big a deal out of what's going on and that i need to stop. so i fuckin suppressed it.

but of course it's all my fault for being actually unable to regulate my fucking emotions and for being so distant and unstable all the time. it’s funny when im not making up my own problems actual issues destroy me. idk man im just. im really tired. 

[brykisheaven]

 i didn’t want to make a post like this because i dont a pity party or anything but i have to get this out of my head before i end up bottling it up and making it worse like i’ve done before.  //tw: body shame, verbal abuse, suicide mentions, racism (small mention) , long text in general tbh//

over the past couple of months, my life at home has been completely all over the place, every day when i wake up i feel like it’s just a cycle of nothing, all i do is sit at home doing online classes and finishing massive amounts of homework, some even due the next day. my back is so tired from just sitting down and typing and it has just made me so bored and stressed out. more so these days, the only reason i even bother to do my homework is because i can also talk to my friends on discord while im doing them, which makes me slightly feel better, sometimes i even give up on doing homework just to talk to them because it gives me a better reason to wake up than just do the same thing over and over again. it’s a horrible feeling that i hate but im very thankful i have my friends to make me feel a bit better. but my situation with my parents is more worse than this and sadly my friends cannot help with it, but they also help me stay somewhat happy while this shitstorm goes down every day. my parents have been getting more and more angry towards each other also, which makes my situation even worse, my father (who doesn’t live with me anymore) is so fucking horrible and stubborn, he makes racist jokes which i hate and i always tell him how he should stop being a fucking idiot and a jerk but he wont listen and just tells me “it’s a joke” but it’s fucking not, or at least its a fucking horrible disgusting joke, alongside that, he also makes me feel like i cannot do anything, i hate being with him and i dont even see him as my father anymore, nowadays i just see him as a random man my mother makes me go with only because he’s related to me in a way. his wife is also a fucking bitch who hates the living hell out of me and my sisters, she always complains about us and how we’re “uneducated” or “bad-behaved”, well bitch guess what at least im not a fucking prick who ruins peoples lives am i??? i cant even pretend to be happy anymore, im just so done pretending to be fine with this. I just came back from staying with him and i’m just so glad im home, the 2 days i spent with him after a whole 3 months were the worst of my life basically, i pretended to do my homework just so he could leave me alone, i began crying myself to sleep while drawing because that was the only thing that made me feel better somewhat. i dont want him to even stay in contact with my mother, all the time he just argues how im doing things wrong and that my mother is a bad example and teaching me wrong things, he blames her for the reason i have a rather thick body and it makes me so mad. my mother isn’t that great either but at least she tries to understand me, unlike my father who always thinks he’s right. i cant even wear dresses or skirts because all he does is tell me how ridiculous i look and how i should be skinny like every other girl, and every time he tells me that all i do is just ignore him but when i come home, i just want to vomit until all i see is blood. i’ve stopped eating for weeks one time because of this, im too afraid to even wear anything beside jumpers because it’ll reveal what my body type is. i hate how i cant even like myself, some times i feel like i should start cutting myself or try to kill myself again because whatever i do, it’s wrong to him, maybe if i die he’ll think i did something right. what i did right was not exist isn’t it? i dont want to though because i have such good friends on here and i dont want to leave them. my friends are the one of the only few reasons i even am here anymore, if it wasn’t for them i wouldn’t even bother. i would probably just cry and hope the next day i get run over or something like that.  my father also always complains about how im doing a stupid hobby and i wont get anything out of drawing and sometimes calls me a mistake because i dont want to have a “real” job like everyone else in out family, but guess what idiot, drawing is a real job and one day i will prove it to him that this isn’t some stupid hobby, but now this has also taken a toll on my art and confidence to post any of it, im too scared to post my art because im afraid people just think it’s stupid or im annoying them by posting too much or too little.  i haven’t gotten many complaints about it but every time i post anything i overthink and worry for a while hoping they wont hate it. so far i think i’ve been getting better managing the anxiety of it but another thing that worries me is the thought people might get angry of me drawing 4 all the time.  the reason why i draw 4 so much is because she’s sort of like a comfort character to me, she was made out of my feelings and was a persona for a short amount of time, i put a lot of myself into her and i love drawing her but i worry people will get bored of seeing her all the time, so thats why i might stop posting content for a bit. 4 is something special to me, whenever i get upset or feel happy, i feel like she’s making me feel happy, it sounds stupid but 4 has helped me overcome many of my bad thoughts and feelings, she’s also one of the reasons im still trying to be happy. thats the reason why i draw her so much. and i wont stop to draw her, and im sorry if you dont like to see her so much but i will not stop to do so, if it bothers you that much please unfollow me. im so sorry i rambled for so long thank you for reading and i love you ((also to devon and soapy and mel, if you’ve read up to here, i love you guys with all my heart i love you too much thank you))  💕

[mathieubellamont]

man in relation to that last post, and its not really related to this blog outside of it but its weighing on my mind

ive seen two things lately about audiences and content creators, specifically those of the Edgy kind. And, as a disclaimer, i am both LGBT and mixed race and oh, also disabled, and i am not saying “yes their content is offensive But you should care about them more” like ofc im gonna care more about the people who are hurt by the spreading of harmful shit but. anyway

whats been on my mind is the fact that these creators create, with all their edginess and their discarding of feelings for Facts and whatnot forms these audiences that, even if mild in their reactions, have and hold no place for feelings, and people who they disagree with. Even the ones who just have “Comedic” content thats laughing at minorities and whatnot, it breeds things in the audience - and attracts peole who’re already infected by it - that focus on laughing and making fun of people and tearing people down who they just mildly disagree with. We all knew that, but specifically whats weighing on my mind is that........... When you do that, theres no backing down. If you realise youve been wrong somewhere and the people youre attacking have been right, if you realise you dont want to make this content anymore, if you realise you’re tired or stressed, or the environment youve created has gotten too toxic, how are you going to back down? People look to you for their vicious entertainment, people look to you for things to tear apart however lightly, to Roast or to offend or to seriously hurt, and if you arent providing fresh bodies to that audience, theyll take it from you. You have to either be sure when you go into creating edgy content that youll be doing this for the rest of your life, or youre ok with being the subject of what youre inflicting on others when you stop. That, or you have to hope to god that your audience gets bored of you before you call it quits

like...... It all boils down to this. Edginess attracts two main kinds of people, people who are clueless about the harm theyre doing and looking to parrot others/who want to make people uncomfortable or upset/who want to make people feel like they feel, thats one category, and the other main category is genuinely fucked up people who like to see the hurt and the offence it causes, who want women/other minorities to be uncomfortable at best or unwelcome or feel in danger at worst, people who show through their humour that theyre willing to act in ways that hurt people for fun. The first category, people who dont get the harm it causes and just want to shock people (which, as a person clueless to microaggressions and racism and why things actually offend people could either be just surprise Or serious harm they label as shock), theyre clueless about the power youre breeding in them and the cluelessness, but the second group of people are actively harmful. Either way, when you finally need your audience to be understanding, when you need to post your “my mental health is going downhill and i cant ignore it anymore” video or post, youre stuck with these people, and obviously others outside those categories, but youre stuck with them. The people who are willing to beat down already beaten down minorities? Who reduce everyone to a set of stereotypes and if they disagree with any quality you have youre their target? Who think doxxing and swatting are funny, who think harrassment and death threats are just edgy and, well, you know edgy is totally fine right?? Edgy is good right?? what are you going to do?

Maybe when youre in your hour of need your audience will have a change of heart, but if you attract an audience who follow you for and approve of your disregard for peoples needs, who make fun of and attact people saying they need help (”i suffer at the hands of oppression” “im disabled” “im a targeted minority” “ive suffered from harassment” etc) what do you think theyre going to do to you when you dont want to play the game anymore? 

Like theres a leap in logic here between being an edgy content creator and definitely reaching a point where you wont do it anymore. Yes, maybe youll be edgy for the rest of your life....... But as someone who was an edgy teenager slinging around slurs constantly and racist and homophobic and transphobic shit...... The end to that was the singular logical conclusion for me as someone trying to be a good person. When you actually learn about these things, or when you start to live it as an lgbt person or you reconnect with your nonwhite half, or you have a family member who is assaulted, or a friend who finally confesses their online harassment and the severe damage its done to them, and you have an audience waiting for you to tell them who to laugh at/treat like shit if they want to because well, theyre wrong and stupid arent they, why should anyone treat them well - thats the conclusion a lot of these people take from seeing people be made the butt of jokes.......... What are you going to do?

Ive always tried to make this blog a mentally and emotionally safe place. Ive made mistakes, but ive always tried to own up to them and learn from. Like, yeah, theres been some racist shit on this blog before, probably some transphobic shit too, ive had this blog since i just turned 17 in dec. 2013....... Its important for my followers that i cultivate a place that is good for them, that isnt stressful, that focuses on good content or. me having fun in video games lmao. and why is that good? well, because i want to. Its not necessarily the right thing to do nor the wrong thing to do, it just Is morally. But when it comes to cultivating an audience based on constantly shocking people, and making people uncomfortable, and making innocent people scared to exist or ashamed of their existence or hurt because theyre reminded that what they are is disgusting to people like you, whether you mean it or not? Thats where I feel things like this become a moral choice. Like, first of all, even if youre doing it jokingly, if youre having fun pretending to throw punches and kicks even if the point is to laugh at you, you run the risk of people getting hit. Thats why we dont do that in public spaces. When youre jokingly throwing metaphorical punches even if the joke is that youre being an arse purposely, youre in that corridor, and the traffic in that corridor is every single person that sees your post, possibly hundreds, possibly thousands, and so the chance that youre going to hit people - many people - is huge. But to get back to whats on my mind, even if you dont give a shit about all the people you hit accidentally or on purpose, when you train an audience to expect you to feed them meat, when you stop feeding them meat theyll still be looking at you, and if theyre hungry enough - entitled enough, angry enough, uncaring enough, tired of life and other people enough, unknowing enough, ready enough to bring the fight to other people - theyre going to pick at you if not take chunks off you if not tear you to shreds. When you call people who think shock humour and hurting other people is acceptable, well, thats what youve done right?

You dont need to make a blog like mine thats purpose is to be safe. You dont need to actively try to make sure people feel like they fit in with your content, you dont need to create a space for other people to enjoy at all, maybe you just wanna do what makes you laugh. But the less space we hold for people to hurt people the less people are going to get hurt, shocker i know, but also the less harmful people’s anger we are unknowingly feeding, and the less fucking clueless kids who are going to grow up parroting things theyve heard and never understood, that truly evil people understand, and the less content creators in the future we’re going to have to dig out of the hole they back themselves into

anyway. odd post, its done now

[uncookspaget]

I know I’m not a big blog and have like any followers, infact I love that. This is my space away from reality, friends, family and I love it, there’s no stress just stories and art and I get to come and go as I please. And I don’t have friends I need to check up on here, which sounds kinda rude but I like this space as my “me time”. So to say. This is my no responsibilities space. My silent appreciation and support of things that help me escape.

But the last month has been so fucking wild, so I’m going to vent rant here for a bit, first let me say this, I am trying get disability, because I have health issues and learning disabilities, so I had to sit and do an assessment for like 6 hours or something, back in November. But anyway it was to figure out what I might have come to find out I have a severe disability with numbers, anything to do with numbers, and then I found out I have autism, which not really a surprise I did my research before, like I have with other stuff. I know myself so well that I can go online research stuff and already know what I have before a professional tells me.(always get professional advice!!!!) So when I found out my mom laughed cause she knew that I already I knew that before being told. But anyway I have autism, severe disability with numbers, (I’m going to brag about myself a little cause I have something to be proud of) my reading and writing are that of a college level, and I have a extremely fast processing speed. So this was all very validating for me.

Then I guess like a week later? I’m sitting in my apartment with my mom, dad, and younger sister, we hear the fire alarm go, and well we’ve lived here for like 5.5 years and in those years we’ve had three fires, and multiple false alarms to the point we thought oh it’s nothing someone burned lunch, right? So my dad goes knocking on doors and I go with him, a lot of old people live in the building and might not hear it, so as we go to the fire doors he opens it and black smoke poured out of the one door and I screamed not go in there so now we know it’s bad, like really bad, like I’ve seen movies and shows and those cant express the very real fear I’ve felt then. So I run back to my mom in the apartment and she said grab the papers and some clothes, my sister shows up again (turns out she went out and then ran BACK INTO THE BUILDING TO GET US!!) and she’s grabbing we’re rushing by the time we open the door, not even 3 minutes have past, it looks like night, darker than night, I can’t see our emergency exit sign. So when I saw that all I could think is we might die, like this could be it. Me and my sister wanted to go off the balcony but my mom is 61 and we’re on the second floor, so she gets me a wet hand towel and tells me to crawl so went through all that smoke to the side stairwell that isn’t in the direction of the fire. We get out but I can’t breathe I’m coughing so hard I’m gonna puke in front of all these people so I’m spitting and I can’t breathe and I’m crying. And my sister is crying, and I can see the fire and I can’t look away. Like this is real, like more real than I can ever imagine. They had two ambulances there and my dad took me to one, and eventually I went to the hospital by myself, finally my mom and sister could come see me I spent three hours there, and went through three oxygen tanks I honestly should’ve done a fourth one but I wanted to leave and the doctor was no where to be seen and the nurse I had was kinda an idiot, like that sounds rude but my mask fell on the floor then he was going to give me the same one then he dropped my new mask on the floor and almost gave it to me but sister wouldn’t let him, so I can say he was an idiot. I still haven’t processed anything from that day. I can’t follow along with time. It passes but I’m not here and I’m not there at the fire, it’s kinda like floating. I’m conscious but don’t know how many days have past and I don’t know what day or time it is, I’m so confused I couldn’t remember when we had the fire, my mom had to tell me it was a week before then when I thought it was. We stayed in a hotel from the Friday it happened and then the Sunday after 6 o’clock ish they said it was okay to come back in, but when I went there to see it I couldn’t even be in there the smoke and chemicals were everywhere in everything, they said that it was cleaned it wasn’t there was soot on our furniture and appliances, I went there a few time the first week, my mom needed to call the insurance company, (she doesn’t own a cell phone, she’s 61 and will never own one) and I couldn’t even be inside I would sit on our balcony. Now I’m at another hotel with my mom while my sister and dad stay at our apartment, they have ocd and don’t want to be anywhere else.

It’s now been two weeks and next Friday will be three, I can’t stay at our apartment cause I’ve been getting nose bleed, headaches, I can’t breathe. I can’t even walk around like normal anywhere without wheezing. Now we’re gonna have to move, but the prices are insane, and it would have to be a three bedroom not two like we have, I’m almost 20 and I share with my 18 year old sister we’ve never had our own room. And I’ve packed away almost all my stuff away in storage so cleaners can come, and I don’t have my paints, so I can’t even de-stress that way. Not to mention I’ve been having problems with my oldest friend, and I don’t really know how deal with this situation on top of it all, and yes it’s all the small and big things adding up, and I know it’ll mean nothing one day, but for now I’m allowed to feel these things and I’m allowed to be upset. I know people won’t read this in fact I don’t even know if I’ll post it, but I just need to release a little bit.

Also with Covid-19 being so much worse then it was 2 weeks ago I can’t do much except go from my hotel to the apartment, which isn’t good for me. Did I mention I have compromised health? Lol yeah I think I forgot to mention I have asthma, so when I got to the stores or go out to get food I’m risking a lot, especially with old parents like my dad is almost 69 and my mom also 61 and has compromised health, and no body is taking this shit seriously. I’m scared for me and my family and others. But when I go out nobody respects my space or any other persons space, like do you not get it? Life is real dangerous right now and you don’t care? Maybe it’s cause I’m angry and have been through trauma and stress, and I am young and look healthy but IM NOT! I’m young but I’m not healthy! I have asthma! Which yeah other people have it worse but I have no where to go I can’t stay and isolate in my apartment and I can’t really stay in my hotel if that happens. Not to mention if the hotel shuts down. I’m scared like really when I think about it I feel kinda sick from stress. Why can’t people try to understand the situation? It’s scary and dangerous and you don’t know peoples situation. I’m so done and tired, please everybody be respectful and keep you’re distance. Stay safe and stay home people. Don’t risk it, it’s not worth yours or anybody else’s life. Be strong we got this. Peace and love to you all ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[littlebitoffanfic]

Useful

Fandom: TMNT Characters: Donnie, Casey Relationship: Donnie/reader Request: Do you still write for tmnt? If yes, could you do a little fic where Donnie always helps the reader study but somethings just not working and the reader ends up getting casey to help her. But Donnie sees and gets all angst because he loves the reader and the only thing he thought he had was his brains. “I just don’t get it.” You grumbled, balling up a piece of paper and hurtling it across the lab in frustration before throwing yourself back into your chair. “that wont help.” Donnie sighed as he stood from his chair to go retrieve the ball and returning to you. “Nothing will help. Ive got less than a week to study and I don’t even know what I don’t know anymore.” You huff, burying your head in your hands as you shake your head. You were both tired, and neither of you were probably the best company right now. You were frustrated with the material and Donnie was getting frustrated with you. He knew you were stuck, and he understood why you were annoyed, but he was tired as well. “I AM trying to help you.” Donnie snapped a little, uncrumpling the ball and flattering it out on the table. “Maybe if you tried-“ “I am trying!” You snap, sitting up in your chair as you glare at Donnie. It wasn’t your fault you couldn’t understand and you were insulted that he thought it was. “Maybe if you tried harder.” Donnie snapped right back at you. For a moment, you just stared at him. Your lips were pressing into a harsh line and your eyes glared at his own. For the first time in the entire time you had known him, you felt a small spark of hate in your chest for his arrogance in that moment. “well, we cant all be as fucking smart as you.” You knew you had to leave right now. So you stood up and slammed the book close. Grabbing it and a few papers and the book, you made your way towards the door of the lab. A part of you expected him to run after you, to apologies and try and bring you back. But he didn’t, instead staying seated as he watches you leave. The problem was that when it came to teaching you something, Donnie was normally rather good. He spoke through things and explained them to you in ways you understood. But if you got stuck on a particular bit, that was when it got agitating. Donnie couldn’t get what you didn’t understand. He just ended up repeating himself and that didn’t help. You would get frustrated and that would lead to his own frustration. But moments like that were few and far between. most of the times, you looked forward to the study sessions where he would help you. Sitting beside him, you felt like it was just a small moment where you could be close to him without having to wonder about your feelings for him. But now, you were annoyed, frustrated and stressed. you walked into the living area of the turtles home, collapsing on the sofa as you tossed the math book to the side. When you left school, you thought you were done with the damn thing, but your course required you to sit a standardized math exam. “Hey, [y/n].” Casey voice called to you and you glanced over to see him leaning against the wall. He was eating a cereal bar and seemed to have just came from the kitchen. “Hey casey.” You smile, but you were unable to hid the sadness in your voice. “Exam time?” Casey asked as he walked across the room and glancing at the book. “yeah. I think im pretty well prepared for all of them apart from this standardized math one.” You sit up a little more, shaking your head as if it might get rid of the growing headache. “I could help.” Casey offers, sitting down as he opens the book. “I doubt it. im pretty much a lost cause right now.” You signed. “besides, I thought you hated math.” “I do. But when I went into the police force, we all had to sit this sort of exam. I still have a lot of the stuff I used back home.” He finished the cereal bar. “Really?” you felt a small glimmer of hope in your chest. If Casey could do it, surely you could as well. “yeah, I’ll bring them round tomorrow.” He nodded. “That would really help!” you smile widely. “What bit are you stuck on?” Casey asked you, laying out the book between you both. As you told him what you were struggling with, you didn’t notice Donnie had came out of his lab. He wanted to come find you and apologies. He hated the idea of you being upset at him, and even more because he hadn’t been in the right to snap at you while you were stressed. But then he found you and Casey. He watched as Casey was able to explain an equation to you and you… you actually understood it. Donnie frowned, backing away a little. He just wanted to be… useful to you and his intellect had always been his best asset. He knew it was a pipe dream to think one day, you might fall in love with him. But that didn’t stop him from hoping that the time you spent with him might lead to more. He slowly back away, his head low before turning to head back to the lab. -------------time skip ------------------- You sat on your couch, watching TV. For the first time in weeks you weren’t stressing about the exam. In fact, you had decided to give yourself the night off since you had been studying all day with Casey. The book sat on the table, with a number of notes written out and highlighted. you were drawn from the TV when you heard your phone buzz. Glancing at the screen, you saw Donnies name pop up with a text. ‘do you want to come over and study?’ it read. Picking up the device, you unlocked it to text him back. ‘im taking the night off.’ You tell him. Your mind couldn’t help but want to go over, to be near him again. But you really didn’t want to study any more. As you were siting with your phone in your hand, you typed ‘im was just going to put a movie on. Do you want to come over?’ when Donnies response popped up. But you had pressed send before you read his response. ‘fine.’. One word. Frowning, you stared at the single word response in utter disbelief. You never thought of Donnie to be the type of guy to be like this to you. Was he still angry at you from before? Or maybe he resented having to teach you in the first place? A sense of anger pooled in the pit of your stomach. ‘never mind’ you quickly typed a sent before he could respond to your question. You then threw your phone to the side of your sofa, pulling your knees up to your chest as you tried to fight the dawning realisation that Donnie might not be the person you thought he was. ----time skip ------------ You all but ran to the lair, your results clutched to your hand. Sure, you hadn’t really spoken to Donnie for the best part of a week. He had been distant since that night. You had just assumed he was still angry with you but you couldn’t help but feel annoyed at him as well. You were willing put a nail in it and accept that things were never going to be right with Donnie when you noticed something. Of the few times you had seen him, he seemed… sad. As strange as it was, you saw something in his eyes which made your heart ache. He would hurry from the room before you got a chance to speak to him, but the more times it happened, the more times you realised this was something far deeper than just one argument. You decided to put it to the back of your mind till after your exam. And now you had the perfect reason to go see him. Knocking on the door to the lab, you heard him asking who it was. “[y/n]!” you called excitedly through the door and you heard a small clatter from within and a yelp of pain. “Donnie? You okay?” “Yep, yeah.” The door opened and Donnie appeared. You glanced behind him and saw a few tools were lying on the ground. “whats up?” There was a forced happiness in his voice that you could identify anywhere but it did remind you of why you had came. “I passed.” You held up the paper which had your pass mark in the top right hand corner. Instantly, there was a spark of joy in Donnies eyes. “well done!” He congratulated you, seeming genuinely happy as he always had. He liked seeing you succeed. “Thank you.” You grinned. “want to come back to mine and grab a pizza to celebrate?” Donnie froze, his eyes wide in confusion. You blinked at him, frowning a little at his reaction. You were about to take it as a insult but then he muttered something. “You still want to spend time with me?” the words barley reached your ears as he stepped back, dropping his gaze away from you out of embarrassment. “Donnie?” you breathed his name in confusion as you followed him into the lab, closing the door behind you for some privacy. “I-i-I just thought, since Casey can h-help you now, that you might not w-want to…” He trailed off, turning away from you. “You think Ive been using you?” You ask, your heart breaking slightly. You never used people, and you hated the idea of someone who you cared for deeply thinking such a thing about you. “No! no, no, no.” Donnie twisted back to you, holding his hands out as he tried to comfort you. “i-I know im not the most exciting guy but, but I just wanted to be helpful.” He couldn’t look at you directly, his eyes darting everywhere else but you. For the first time, something in your mind clicked. Could Donnie have feelings for you? He was always the first by your side in danger and he did everything he could to keep you safe. He jumped at every opportunity to help you and spend time with you and yet seemed so shy when he was around you at the start. Now, he was more comfortable with you, but his touches lingered and his eyes hovered. could the behaviour have been out of jealousy? Not that you would condone it, but it would fit in place. There was only one way to figure it out. “I came to you because I like spending time with you.” You smile a little as you step closer. Donnie froze up, his eyes finally meeting your own. You saw tongue dart out to wet his lips out of nervousness. this gave you the confidence boost needed. Closing the gap, you leaned up and pressed your lips to his own. Donnie jumped at the feeling of your lips on his own but instantly melted again them. His hands grabbed your hips but quickly let go before settling on your sides softly. You felt your heart flutter as he kissed you back. “Im sorry.” He breathed, barley pulling away from his lips. Opened your eyes, you saw he was staring down at you. “For what?” you genuinely couldn’t think of what he was talking about. Your mind was still revelling the kiss that you had forgotten about everything, even the test which had slipped from your hand to the floor during the kiss. “How ive been behaving.” Donnie ducked his head out of embarrassment. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” “Well, I can think of a few ways you can make it up to me.” You smirk, biting your lip. “Anything.” He vowed. “Buy me a pizza tonight? And I get to choose a movie tonight.” You grabbed his hand and started to pull him to the door. Donnie smiled and a soft chuckle left his lips. “anything.” He nodded, scooping up the test as you dragged him from the lab.

[citrus-feline]

does anyone else have the chance of just getting rlly upset after a few drinks instead of just having a good ol time like normal? usually i just have fun and loosen up my anxiety a bit, but sometimes i get stressed and angry and overwhelmed by everything. hearing people talk in the other room makes me angry. my irritability is thru the roof and it sucks. it sucks so much. i just drink like once a week so i can have some fun for once in my life but 10% of the time i just get MORE stressed out. its like. what the fuck is the point? this week was so hard on me and i just wanted SOME reprieve. i know depending on alcohol for that is unhealthy but i never have more than a drink or two. i like to believe im responsible about it. but i dont know.

im in such a bad mood that i just want to go to bed but also this week felt so long with work and i felt like i got no time to play games and stuff so im stuck being upset either way. im getting tired of how much of my life my work is taking up. i know part of it feels that way bcuz i work at home now and i cant rlly escape it. but also 40 hours a week with the minimum pay the company offers stings.

i wanna ask for a raise so badly but like. i know now is NOT the time to do that. im just going to get told no. aaaaughhh