You have 90 minutes to complete. (original poem: r.a.)
In participation of the MCYT Recursive Exchange 2024 hosted by @mcytrecursive!
Inspired by know that all my love will be your breath (i will save you when your lights go out)
[text under cut]
1. Have you ever been in love?
(Please circle your answer.)
a. It's me and him
b. Our hearts beat in sync
c. Our lives intertwined
2. Do you understand what you’ve done?
(Please circle your answer.)
a. I couldn't do anything
b. I lost my balance
c. I doomed us both
3. It's been god knows how long since you felt phantom hands on your neck and there is no one in sight. If you were soul-bound to him and both of you died at the same time then why are you still waiting in the void?
Please answer clearly, in full sentences.
(Not a correct answer:I just wanted to see him one more time).
4. Define two (2):
Fate | The feeling of his forehead against yours
Curse | The moment you realise he isn't linked to you anymore
5. True or False:
i. It was your fault.
ii. You wish you had met him under different circumstances.
iii. You can’t regret a single moment that you had him.
iv. You would do it all over again if you could.
v. It ended long before either of you said anything.
thumbnails:
sketch cover thing for imgur link:
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thinking about how both edwin and charles refer to edwin getting sent to hell as a technicality or a clerical error and like. it's not. that's not what happened. edwin was sacrificed. hell had a mechanism for accepting innocent souls. edwin ending up in hell wasn't a loophole or a mistake someone made along the way. it was a system that was working exactly the way it was intended.
and thinking about the idea of hell and the idea of forgiveness and the idea that you only stay in hell if you feel like you belong there. and how edwin says that he was never meant to be in hell to begin with but still building up a case for himself to prove it because him not deserving hell might not be immediately obvious
thinking about how edwin died because of a hate crime, how he died being made to feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with him and getting sent to hell right after. and thinking about how edwin saying "if you punish yourself, everywhere becomes hell" and over a century of repression and supressing the parts of himself that got him killed, that got him sent to hell in the first place. and thinking about how when the night nurse looked at edwin's file, it didn't know if he belonged in hell or somewhere else either because edwin didn't know because edwin knows that he never did anything to deserve hell but he didn't get sent to hell because of anything he did but because of what he is and maybe there's a difference and maybe he believes that he never did anything wrong but maybe some part of him believes that he, personally, is wrong
and thinking about forgiveness and salvation and how people actually get out of hell, and how edwin forgave simon because they were two queer kids in the same shitty situation both in life and in death and it didn't matter how simon hurt edwin because he still needed to understand that being gay was not a punishment, and thinking about simon getting out of hell right after
and thinking about edwin confessing his love for charles on the steps of hell and getting to leave right after and how hell is something you make for yourself and how edwin escaped the first time but he never forgave himself for what he is and not something hecdid maybe hell still had a hold on him after all those years and it wasn't until he let himself be honest about it and be gay and love boys and allowed himself to actively choose to be the person he is and deciding that that person is someone who is allowed to feel and love and that that kind of love was not a punishment and thinking about how edwin escaped hell by not just allowing himself to love but leaving behind all the ways he was punishing himself for it
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she says he won't let her get a dog, which is fine, because they're in an apartment, and that's the kind of thing people say about their partners. he won't let me get a dog. and you're at a dinner party and you tilt your head a little to the side just like that dog he won't let her get, because is this the thing that's going to upset you? you don't know every corner of their relationship, she could be joking, they could have had so many healthy conversations about the dog, right, and maybe she's not letting herself get the dog because of money and time and whatever. but, like, she did say let
and she wants to move away from his hometown and he wants to stay and then he tells you with a wink and a conspiratorial stage whisper don't worry i'll convince her and she laughs about it - so clearly this is something they laugh about. but you do just stand there and stare at him like what the fuck, man. you can't say what you want to say which is why do you get the final say on everything because they're both obviously aware of the other person's stance on this and have obviously had private conversations about it and what are you going to do about it except make a scene and then he'll be mad at you and call you one of those bitches behind your back and she'll cut you off, which is a loss that doesn't feel worth it just because he makes you a little skeeved out every 3rd comment
and they both agree he just isn't the type to get flowers which is fine because everyone shows love differently, and are you really gonna judge someone based on their sense of individual relationship responsibility? maybe he's constantly cleaning her car and writing her poems and making her furniture or something. maybe she doesn't even like flowers and this is perfect, actually. and no you couldn't date him, obviously, ew; but like, she tells you she's happy. you almost send her a tiktok that says don't be 25 and the cool girl that doesn't need anything, you'll hate not getting flowers at 30, but that's like, starting drama & you shouldn't start drama needlessly.
and you're a little older than her but not so much older you can pull the whole trust me on this one babe thing and besides that wouldn't have worked anyway (when does it ever) and besides you have trauma so you and your therapist both agree that you're always looking for a problem even when there isn't one. and you tell yourself that just because you see them for 15 minutes every month does not mean you can identify every single red flag based on a single shitty half-joking(?) comment
and besides, what are you going to do? she says i actually wanted another stand mixer but thankfully he stops me when i'm about to spend too much money and you're standing there like are you okay? is this normal? is this just something people say? and again - what are you going to do?
to your therapist you try to language it - it's not, like, any of my business. but sometimes, doesn't it feel like - you should do something. there's got to be something, right? you've tried dropping little hints but they sail right through and you've tried having a single serious conversation and she got upset because why does it matter to you, yes it's different but we're happy, it doesn't need to make sense to you and you're like. really unwilling to push a boundary about it anymore; because the truth is that you know logically it shouldn't matter to you, as long as both parties are happy.
and besides, you've been wrong before. it's just... like, every time you see them both, something else happens, some kind of shiver down your spine like do you even hear each other when you talk. it's their strange, bickering orbit. just the way he's on his phone through dinner or watching sports instead of helping in the kitchen or, fuck, another one of these little throwaway comments he makes about we'll see about that, babe. she laughs when he calls her passions stupid shit and meanwhile she gets him tickets to see the knicks and he tells you well at least she's smart about something and still! it's none of your business.
you say get the dog anyway and she laughs. like, this is is you being funny. and not you saying - no really. get the dog. get the dog and get out of here. pack up and start running.
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(to know more about the story and the calendar on pre-order check out previous posts!)
August’s big thing is actually something they did many times already, but in the comfort of their own environment. This time, Allura booked their performance, one of her favorites, for a party - proud friend as she was, never shutting up about how many competitions they won her.
The standing ovation they get, seems accurate for the work they both put into getting there.
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