#im too scared to tell my therapist bc she thinks im doing well lol im such a dumbass

[lostgirlmuseum]

cadence my beloved

howdy howdy!!

how are you?

how’s school?

anything interesting going on lately?

(kisses your head and hands you shiny objects)

💕💕💕hope you’re doing well💕💕💕

River my beloved!!! Thank you for reaching out 🥺 I am doing okay, I've just been somewhat busy and haven't found the energy to do much on tumblr. And like I've considered posting about life here but I know thats not what ppl follow me for and i dont want to annoy anyone lol

School is okay, I don't have too much work going on rn which is nice! Mostly what's been keeping me busy and my mind occupied is boys (half affectionate half derogatory) lmao

Long story short(ish. I can't for the life of me tell short stories, I blame the A.D.D.) there was this guy that asked me out on a couple dates a while ago and he was super sweet but I just wasn't really feeling it and I accidentally ghosted him for nearly a week bc I was so stressed about seeing him again (I didn't really want to but I know my therapist wanted me to try this)(side note, she's great, i love her).

Anywho, one day last week I was simply sitting outside in a grassy area on campus doing hw w/ a friend when a guy came up to me asking if I had seen a girl w/ a ferret (Thats a story for another time lol) and i was like "yes I have! But shes gone already :(" and he was like "do you have any photos" and i was like "yes i do!" so i gave him my # to send him the photos... and then he started texting me lol. and I thought he was cute and I hung out with him last monday and we saw Madame Web yesterday

(it was... um.. certainly a movie. It movied. It was fun but it was not good lol) and then we had lunch today and idk if my social battery plummeted or if I just got in my own head but suddenly I wasn't feeling it and now I am def in my own head.

Im not giving up tho i think I just need to recharge. I hope. I hope I'm not hopeless. I'm scared. Part of me is like I should text him too make sure he's not worried that I don't like him bc I dont want him to stress but another part of me is like DO NOT CONTACT ME FOR 2-3 BUSINESS DAYS I NEED TO THINK. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY NOT THINK.

On a different note, a couple hours ago I finally found the motivation to write which hasn't happened in a bit! I wrote the first scene of Honey pt. 2, yay!

Ok, enough rambling, how are you?? How is your life, anything interesting/new going on? And thank you for the head kisses and shiny objects, I'm sending them back tenfold. 💕💕💕

[jaeger-pups]

Zekeren Modern AU; An emotional confession text from Eren

E: ...... im pissed rn. Like really pissed.

E: are you even awake..?

Z: Sorry, just finished in the shower. You ok?

E: no. No I'm fucking not ok. Im so aggravated

Z: need me to call you? I thought you were going out w/ friends.

E: no dont that'd just make it worse honestly.

Z: ...I'm not understanding, Eren. What's going on?

E: yea I went out. I'm still w everyone but.

Z: so what's the issue? Need me to pick you up? Feeling anxious?

E: idk I'm just...

E: Like fucking irritated. 🙄

Z: I wanna hear you out. Believe me, I do.

Z: but you're not making it easy.

Z: what's bothering you, little brother?

E: ...Can you pls not? 😑

Z: not what?

E: do that?? Don't do the big brother thing rn.

Z: Eren.

Z: seriously. Just tell me what's going on. You can call me if that's easier.

E: ....we're in the restaurant. I don't wanna go outside I feel like it'd be rude.

Z: okay then. 😮‍💨

Z: what's got you so anxious tho?

E: ...you still don't get it by now?? Helos, that's frustrating. 🙄Like you have no idea, Zeke.

Z: i mean it'd be simpler to just let me know if I upset you...

E: you didn't upset me. God do you play this dense on purpose?? there's no way ur not doing it on purpose...

Z: I'm calling you.

E: nonono!!!

E: Don't pls I'm not trying to be difficult or moody im just...

E: I'm out w friends but... idk I guess i just wish I'd have made different plans this weekend.

Z: okay. Nothing wrong w/ that.

E: idk we got around to talking about partners & flings or whatever &...

E: I lied. About seeing someone.

Z: Seems harmless to me.

E: ...it wasn't believable tho. Like at all. I know it wasn't. I feel embarrassed.

Z: Ah, so that's what this is about?

Z: you're 18, Eren. You're really worried someone's gonna hold something like that over your head?

E: I'm *not* seeing anyone tho is the thing.

Z: Plenty of girls are interested in you, little brother. You know it.

Z: lol you just told me last weekend when you were over.

E: yea. and I also told you im... different.

Z: Its not out of the ordinary to be attracted to other men, Eren. We talked about that, too.

E: God you sound like my therapist 😓 pls don't talk like my therapist...

Z: Yelena does a great job w/ you, give her credit 😅and im just saying.

Z: so youre a little uncomfortable out w/ friends after telling a white lie. Take a deep breath. You're working yourself up.

Z: no one's thinking about it that much. I guarantee it's all in your head.

E: maybe ur right but...

E: fuck am I really about to do this...?

Z: do what? If your anxiety's that bad let someone at the table with you know, Eren.

Z: don't need you having a panic attack out there. I'll come pick you up if you need me to. I have no problem w/ that.

E: ...im okay.

E: but um. I have a confession. Like... a major confession.

E: I opened up to Yelena about this a few weeks ago too.

Z: Ok take your time.

E: ......God my hearts pounding. 💀 holy shit

E: why am I doing this? I'm so scared you'll look at me differently.

Z: Eren. Talk to me. At this point I'm concerned.

E: .....

Z: Seriously wth could possibly have you this worked up?

Z: Tell me what it is. I'm not gonna judge you. You've been doing amazing w/ your therapy.

Z: i just don't wanna see you spiral again. You've been doing so well. I mean it. You have.

E: ...I'm in love with you.

E: like real actual love.

E: the fucked up kind of love you shouldn't have for your siblings.

E: or family members at all for that matter. I'm weird. Abnormal as shit. Its been that way since we *met*, Zeke.

E: I can't shake it. I can't fix it. I hate myself.

E: and I was so fucking scared to ask if I could come over this weekend bc I finally opened up to Yelena about it and she didn't have the reaction i thought she would.

E: so I've been confused. And uncomfortable i guess. And I can't believe i told you this like wtfwtfwhyyyyiwannafuckingdieeeee you cannot tell anyone about this.

E: *Anyone*, Zeke. Please.

Z: Eren.

E: Ur creeped out, aren't you?

E: fuck im sorry. I’m so sorry.

E: i never planned to talk about this ever. I’d have taken it to my grave.

Z: Eren.

E: I know it's cringe. I know it's gross. I know I'm fucking weird.

Z: little brother

E: hm..? 😔

Z: it's ok. Calm down

E: *ok??* Zeke this is definitely not ok do you know how long I've had this buried???

E: how much it keeps me from sleeping??

Z: had no idea, honestly. But it's fine.

Z: it doesn't necessarily make me look at you differently either.

E: ...why the hell are you so calm about this? It's always weird when ur calm about things you should definitely lose your shit over.

E: there's nothing normal about your younger brother telling you he's got a crush on you, you absolute perv.😑

Z: I thought you were more paranoid about me having an *adverse* reaction lol

E: no I take it back this is way more odd.😣 i half expected you to get on my case about morals and whatnot

Z: Maybe your brother's just open-minded.

E: ...or something. Idk.

Z: would you rather I snap? Push you away?

E: ...God no. I never thought I'd actually tell you tho. Ever.

Z: doesn't seem like it was healthier keeping it bottled up.

E: it wasn't but... like. What do we do about this? No offense but it's kind of taken a toll.

Z: what's yelena told you?

E: that I should talk to you, ironically.

E: I've never been in love before tho, Zeke. That's how I know it's different. How i know it's not... normal.

Z: Wanna know what I think?

E: ...idk. my hearts still going crazy. Even Jean's noticed how jittery Ive gotten. I can't win.

Z: I don't think you’ve ever really thought about how much you mean to me.

Z: I couldn't let us drift apart over something like this, Eren.

E: but so ur just totally unbothered after finding out I've been struggling w processing this? Pls make it make sense I'm so lost this isn't gonna fix this 😞

E: I know you think you know him better than I do, but dad would *lose* it. Dad would make me see *another* therapist.

Z: I'm not Grisha.

E: Yea, clearly. Still doesn't make me feel like I'm not some kind of freak tho....

Z: why? 😏 doubt I feel the same?

E: ...in all seriousness, could you pls not make light of this? My head literally cannot take it. I've got enough mental shit going on over it

Z: light of it? lol what makes you think I could be so cruel?

Z: you're beautiful, little brother. Men *and* women can see that. People tell you all the time.

E: …I’m all red now. Mikasa just asked who I'm texting.

E: I lied again & told her I'm checking in with mom.🙄 Doesn't seem like it was believable either tho. I give up...

Z: See? You're fucking adorable. 😏

E: Zeeeeke!! 😳shuddup, ur annoying

Z: You are tho. 😅

E: whatever. 😞Stop leading me on. That's what ur doing at this point. Toying w/ me. Amused?

Z: more like endeared lol.

Z: Ever considered whether your big brother may find you pretty?

Z: Interestingly androgynous? Privately enticing?

E: ...Leave me alone. There's no fucking way, liar.

Z: If that's what you think.

E: why wait so fucking long to tell me then if it's true??

E: why hasn't it messed you up as bad as its done me? Plus I've seen the kinds of women you fuck around w/ when you're in Paradis.

E: there's no way you think of me like that.

Z: Maybe I wasn't sure how you'd react. Maybe to me it was never worth letting you know & jeopardizing how close we've gotten if you didn't feel the same way.

Z: Is it proof you need?

E: ...Zeke. Stop.

Z: Are you actually drawing a line or?

Z: You think I'm joking. Fair enough.

Z: I'll pick you up when you guys are finished. Just let me know when.

E: ur... serious? there's no way ur serious o-o

E: I'm so red. I'm gonna *die* zeke pls don't joke around. Armin can drop me off back home it's really not a big deal.....

Z: Stop being ridiculous, Eren. When have i ever told you you couldn't come over? Or dumped you off on someone else to get you home?

E: I just don't like to feel like im demanding attention. Or like I can't do things for myself.

E: Its getting a little late too. No need to make you drive out...

Z: Its fine. I wanna see you ;)

E: ...Really?

Z: Ofc. I was surprised when you told me you had different plans this weekend. Been over here so often lately lol

E: yea. Sorry I switched things up outta nowhere. I just didn't wanna... sulk I guess? Feeling... these feelings.

E: Around you. And being moody. And projective.

Z: Its fine. Glad you opened up.

Z: Take a deep breath. Eat w/ your friends. Big brother heard you. I see you. I understand.

E: Fucking God why are you so nice to me? I don't get it. I'll never get it, Zeke.

E: ....But thank you. Like... a whole fucking lot.

Z: Yw😏Put your phone down & talk to your friends. Call me when you guys are gonna leave. I'll be there.

E: Okay. You're my favorite.

Zeke liked “Okay. You’re my favorite.”

[bootsandboots2]

im so :) it’s like im alive and here but all i do is rotate through hyperfixations :) like i work and have a job and have family and friends and hobbies but all i think about is my current obsession which rn is this stupid boy at the rec center who plays pickleball and looks like specific actor and i gaslighted myself into thinking there is a mutual attraction after reading too many “nonverbal signs he likes you” listicles on garbage websites :) and hes literally all i think about and he consumes every one of my brain cells like a roomba sucking up cheerios a toddler threw on the floor :) i saw an instagram post that said imagine if you spent all that intense energy on your craft instead of boys and i was like okay :) sure :) too bad i am mental ill and will never find stable long term love bc i am the conductor on a carousel from hell :) so edgy, so sexy :) help me please :) 

[syrupa]

Hey! Could I please get a bnha matchup?💕

I’m bisexual & pronouns are she/her. I’m a Capricorn sun (cancer moon and libra rising) I have brown eyes and blonde hair (bleached) i’m 5’6 with a slim build. I love art like drawing and painting, art history, and baking! & actually majoring in biomedical engineering lol.

I absolutely love to hang out with my friends and being spontaneous like just going out for coffee (im addicted to Starbucks and I’m lactose intolerant lol) or to a museum or just talking. I HATE bugs and I cry if one is ever near me lol.

I’m very empathetic and always trying to lighten the mood and make people happy. I’m very chill and don’t have problems with anyone (unless they’re rude or mean to me or my friends) I can’t stand people who are rude or think they’re better than everyone. I’m super indecisive and need a lot of validation.

I’m b l i n d so always wearing my glasses haha also I love having a sense of humor. I also have anxiety and can be way too emotional sometimes. I’m an ENFP & also I love tie dye clothes, makeup, and everything pastel.

My love language is probably receiving/giving gifts and words of affirmation. I absolutely love picking out little gifts for people and randomly giving them things that remind me of them. And when people do that for me I just love it! I can’t think of a specific favorite memory but like just over the summer after high school, hanging with friends at like 2 am in a parking lot or a McDonalds drive thru and just having no care in the world- those memories are my favorite

My ideal date would probably be going out to eat, and to a museum or an aquarium or something fun that we can explore. I also love just going to the mall and walking around and I might be addicted to shopping. I really don’t like to be outside too much bc of the bugs so no hiking or camping or anything like that.

Thank you so much💖💖

these can be seen as both platonic and romantic

I match you with...

Tsuyu Asui

You and Tsuyu met at a coffee shop. You were behind her in line and she heard you make a noise. She quickly turned around to make sure you weren't injured or anything. Turns out you just saw a bug. She scared it away when she turned around.

Tsuyu was about to turn back around before she noticed you were about to cry. She instantly went into comforting mode, asking if you were okay. After you've calmed down she insisted on buying you your coffee. Tsu was a determined girl and she wasn't taking no for an answer.

While waiting in line together, she listened to you talk about art of all sorts. She was very interested in it and wanted to learn more about art history.

When you got your drinks, you and Tsuyu sat down at a table and just talked for hours. You told her everything that was going on in your life and she did the same.

The two of you talked for so long the manager kicked you guys out since they were closing. You exchanged numbers before leaving. She also told you to just call her Tsu.

Tsu ended up inviting you to come hang out with her and the dekusquad a lot. When she was watching you interact with her friends, she loved how you were easily able to make it not awkward.

The squad joked about Tsu being your guardian angel and protecting you from all insects that dare to come near you.

She used to take you out to coffee a lot but stopped when you told her that you were lactose intolerant. "I can't believe i'm lactose intolerant and i'm addicted to Starbucks-" " Wait you're what?"

Tsu was quite literally the surprised pikachu meme when you told her that.

You drag her into a bunch of little activities. Tsu and you do those youtube DIYs that probably don't work. Tsu's not the best at makeup so she really likes it when you do it for her! Or at the very least teach her how to use it.

Expect her to give you tons of small pastel bows. Those remind her of you because they're so cute! If you bring her anything and tell her it reminded you of her OH BOY. Get ready to be pulled into the tightest hug ever. It lasts a while too.

She can immediately tell when you're not feeling well. Even if you aren't in the room. Tsu can sense it from miles away.

THERAPIST TSU

She is so good at comforting people. Whenever you walk away from a little therapy session with her you feel so loved. She just likes making sure you know you matter! <3

At the end of each month, she always takes you to these huge aquariums. Seeing you just run around all excitedly just makes her smile a lot much. Sometimes she'll take you to a museum but she prefers aquariums. No surprise that she likes all the water there. Tsu likes holding your hand the entire time! That way she could protect you if you were to get scared.

She really was like your own guardian angel. :D

[knicks-knacks]

wait a min who 👀 is Wistoria 👀👀 (i am wondering :)

HGFDSJGJ I love that writing that tag I was like "Krch is gonna ask about them" fdjgkhdfjk that's perfect im going to hug you

So!!! Wist!!! She's my Forsaken OC bc I just really love the deaders and think zombies are cool and think that there is a lot to be done with like... lore bits of the forsaken and you know how much I love my lore bits.

The most concise way I can describe her is she's a Forsaken fashion designer and skin stitcher/bone-engraver who specializes in designing fancy clothes that shows off the exposed or rotting bits of the Forsaken, in an effort to kind of help the people who feel dysphoric about their not-quite-dead bodies and to show people that they can embrace those things they deem "ugly" and make them beautiful, rather than hide them away in shame. However, she wasn't always so willing to embrace it herself.

More on that in the less concise story under the cut lol it got long on accident

(heads up: this characters pronouns are she/they and I use them super interchangeably throughout this. also sorry this took so long to type i got distracted and also wanted to try and cover it the best I could!)

tw for: the typical mentions of bones and missing body parts/rotting flesh typical for forsaken in WoW though nothing too graphic. and also death but her being a zombie that's a given

So, Wistoria herself, before she passed, she was a well-known seamstress in Lordaeron! Born into a noble family (though not high, her parents were only lord/lady), and growing up seeing all the pretty clothes, they pretty quickly learned they wanted to focus themself on that, and their parents supported them in that. After training under a mentor since youth she ended up getting REAL damn good at making clothes - both simple and elaborate. Eventually became the favored tailor to a lot of the nobility. It kind of helped her family climb the political ladder, making dresses and suits for the baroness and the marquis etc. She also loved dressing up herself!

She's a very kind and patient individual, always excited to hear about a client's day or what's going on in their life, though she's quite reserved about herself. They're kind of... quietly charming if that makes sense. Not charming in a way that Flynn Fairwind is, but more in an Anduin-type way? Not the type you'd take for a night out at the bar, more the type you'd have a long personal conversation with over warm tea in a dimly lit coffee shop. Comforting. Fitting sessions are almost like low-key therapy sessions because she feels rather cozy and easy to talk to about troubles - though they're not a therapist lol.

Also a tidbit that I just think is cute - she's taken some training in being a mage! It helps her with her sewing and they are a mage in game so I thought it fit perfect lol

anyways she gets murdered by the scourge and raised again and gets saved by Sylvanas etc etc etc

Due to the way that their corpse rotted, they lost the flesh of their lower jaw, and their chest, leaving her jaw and ribcage exposed.

At first, she was rather horrified by her appearance - as most forsaken are. It scared them to not look like... themself. And even surrounded by other forsaken whose bodies were just as bad off as hers if not worse, she still felt rather uncomfortable with those exposed bones. They typically wore a veil or a poncho to cover themself up as best as they could.

She continued making clothes. Threw themself into the cause to help the newly formed Forsaken. Salvaged cloths from graves to try and make wearable stuff. Helped sew up other forsaken at times, if it was urgent. But mostly helped in making clothes (and sometimes armor) for the people when they needed it.

Then, after the scourge was defeated and they made their new home in Undercity, and things started to shift into a New Normal, they gradually started going back to their roots a bit. Fancier, more dressy clothes. She also frequently ended up making adjustments to clothes she made in the past that old clients managed to salvage - what once fit perfect now didn't, due to lost limbs and lost muscle/fat. And of course, she was happy to restore those old clothes for the client, whatever she could do to help, but those were sometimes a rough job. It kind of brought a bunch of negative thoughts to the forefront when they did them. Their old life was gone and nothing would be the same, their body is no longer the same. Perhaps these clients come to her for alterations on old living clothes because they can't let go of the fact that they're no longer living. That sort of thing. Makes her deeply sad both for the whole of the Forsaken and for herself.

That changes though, as I said.

Soon after they had been saved by Sylvanas, they met Leila - a blood elf. They grew close, then closer, and you could Tell there was a fuck ton of romantic tension there from the start. Over time, Leila kind of helped Wistoria get their confidence back - because if she could love them, they could love themself too. She was still reserved about the way she looked, and still hid it all the time, but then there was a moment that kind of opened her eyes.

So uh, Leila and Wistoria had been out picking flowers that they planned to preserve and use in a dress. While out, Wist managed to slip and fall into a mud puddle and so had to change, but something about That Day she was particularly uncomfortable with her body. They turned away from Leila, and Leila pointed out to them that they didn't have to do that around her - she'd seen it all before anyway. And Wistoria commented how they didn't want to disgust her or anything. Leila frowned at her for a moment and then asks Wistoria to turn to her because she wants to do something. Wist hesitates a moment but from Leila's tone of voice, she knew that it was okay to let her see. Then Leila took some thread, and the flowers they'd just picked together, and - with permission - began tying and weaving them into and through Wistorias ribs. She filled their whole chest cavity meticulously with leaves and flowers and thread. She carefully tied a snapdragon upside down on their sternum. Then, she rummaged for a while through Wistorias fancy clothes, found a jacket, found a skirt, helped Wist get dressed.

Then, when she was finished, she turned Wistoria around and had them look in a mirror. No veil, no cover, just their body and how beautiful it was. Wistoria, of course, ends up crying, because it had just been so LONG since she dressed herself up. She hadn't been able to look at herself naked for longer than a second since she was raised, but now she couldn't stop taking it in, and how pretty it was, and how inspiring.

Leila and her have a long talk, after that, about loving herself and seeing that she didn't need to look like her living self to be beautiful. That her body wasn't this disgusting or uncomfortable thing that she needed to hide or be ashamed of, even with the missing parts.

After this, they still take time to regain their confidence, of course. But with support from Leila (and a lot of my other ocs lol) they get to the point that they love themselves again. They get their bones engraved, and they end up loving it so much that they take it up themself. She dabbles into decorative stitching on skin, something she had shied away from at first. Her clothes start reflecting her comfort, she stops wearing the veil and the cover, wears jackets with no shirt. Until eventually they're designing dresses that are cut specifically to showcase her missing parts. Like a boob window but with no boob, just skeleton!

Eventually, she becomes known for being the best person to come to when trying to get dress clothes that cater to specific missing bits. She makes capes with slits down the middle to expose the spine sticking out. They make one leg on a pantsuit sheer to see the bone. She makes gloves that hook onto the radius and ulna.

She's also a good person to go to if you want some flowers engraved on your bones. :)

Overall she's just. They struggled a lot with being raised but ended up being so proud of the Forsaken and what they've been through, and they end up just being. A real positive force to them bc I've always seen clothes and appearance really important to someone's self-image, at least to me. She wants others to feel as good in their skin, what little they have of it, like she finally does. And it took them a while to get there but they got there and I'm so proud of her 😭🥺🙌

[bunnyblooms]

OKAY FUCKER ALL THE QUESTIONS FROM THAT ASK MEME THE LGBT ONE

1. Identity and pronouns.

I'm agenderfluid and they/them pronouns. My sexuality is aroflux and asexual.

2. How did you discover your sexuality?

Pretty much at 14 was like "idk i don't relate to everyone else i don't find celebrities hot or sex remotely something i want. If i could reproduce without sex i would. Oh. I'll just call myself asexual, like a sponge!" (Which asexual is incidentally what the creators of Spongebob were going for, fun facts. Spongebob is ace rights.)

3. Have you experienced being misgendered? How do you overcome it?

Mmmm I am constantly misgendered bc I'm nonbinary and live in a binary society and the way I compartmentalize it is basically just dressing how I want and not making an attempt to pass as anything tbh. The only time I feel misgendered is when someone knows my pronouns and doesn't use them anymore tbh. So basically. Letting go of how I want to be perceived helped. I will say tho, I refuse to come out to my dad bc he won't respect it and it'll be more painful hearing him misgender me knowing how I identify, but. That's certainly a privilege I have since I'm not transitioning. (ATM at least.)

4. Who was the first person you told? How did they react?

I technically didn't come out as ace. My ex-best friend knew bc I talked about it, but neither of us knew it was an identity. So the transition upon finding the label was virtually nonexistent and all of my friends were LGBTQ as well so it wasn't stressful or shocking. It helps that around the time I discovered the label I'd met two friends who were ace and felt the same way I did. My experience with my asexuality is definitely the model that should be the norm with the community and what we as a society should aim for.

As for my gender I'd made comments in the past that I wished I could just be genderless and it really kind of sat with me when my ex-best friend came out as trans bc I was like "Oh? You don't have to be the gender you are at birth?" Belial from Angel Sanctuary was a character that resonated with me at the time, and this was right around the time I made my ace friends. It wasn't until a year later that I discovered the nb community and one friend who was genderfluid that I decided to start trying different pronouns. And basically I came out as questioning and transitioned to nb without a formal declaration, which I also feel should be the goal for society.

I was at a con with my best friend at the time who was trans and he'd come out with my now ex-best friend while they were dating. And I was really anxious bc I felt like ppl would assume I was a transtrender and shit, and my friend said something about gender and I kind of awkwadly implied I might not identify as female and he was really great about it! He was like "If you wanna talk about it or try different pronouns you can." :D

5. Describe what it was like coming out.

I pretty much did this im question 4 hehehe.

6. If you're out, how did ppl react?

I'm not out to family, that I know of. They found my facebook which has my identity listed in my about, so I'm in limbo with them where none of us talk about it so idk if they register it as an LGBTQ thing or not.

My friends were all supportive! It helps that I have like no cishet friends lmao.

I also came out to my class on TDOV two years ago for a project where we step outside our comfort zone. I'm luckily in the social work program which has social justive built into the tenants of the profession so it was pretty positive! People still misgendered me after and were more concerned with "but i'm scared of ppl getting angry at me what should i do to talk about this with them" which. 9__9 Not surprising. But there was a mom whose kid and her kid's partner are both genderfluid and bigender so it was a good experience and I had an ally which made me comfortable in sharing it in the first place.

7. What is one question you hate ppl asking about your sexuality?

Inevitably when I say I'm ace, non-aces assume I have no interest in dating which. Way to conflate being aroace with ace and ignore that there are aros and aces who want relationships. That's my biggest pet peeve.

8. Describe the style of clothing you often wear.

I wear flannels and ripped jeans or shorts mainly. I basically dress like a butch lesbian. I'll wear dresses and stuff but I do not like dressing femme and prefer to offset softer things with hard things. Like. When I wear dresses I have to wear clunky combat boots with them or have short hair or something.

9. Who are your favorite LGBTQ+ ships?

Hmmm. Depends if you mean canon or not. Canon, it's probably FigAyda from D20 and Catradora from She-ra. Shion/Nezumi from No.6 is also one of my faves. There's also Chie and Ai from Virgin's Empire. Blupjeans from The Adventure Zone and JonMartin from The Magnus Archives.

As for Not Confirmed ships, I like Flick/CJ from Animal Crossing, Tsuna/Enma from Katekyo Hitman Reborn, uhhh. Reigisa from Free!, Kanji/Naoto from Persona and Chihiro/whatever the fuck his name is Mondo? Or the other guy I forget, from Danganronpa. Also RenLaw, RenStrade, and VinceLaw+VinceFarz from BTD.

(I am including straight relationships involving trans ppl obv.)

10. What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I hate how I look with make up it makes me dysphoric. But to me makeup is a good expressive outlet and bomb as hell, so when I do wanna wear makeup, I prefer wearing eyeliner and lipstick (esp in black or blue or green or purple) and glitter.

11. Do you experience dysphoria? How does it affect you?

I experience what I refer to as Silhouette Dysphoria a lot. I experience chest dysphoria but a lot of times it's less about me having them at all and me not liking how I look with them. The same goes for my hips and overall shape. Hence silhouette. I also experience genital dysphoria to a lesser degree, and when I do it's less hating my genitals bc they should be different but more just having any at all. Luckily I was born with internal genitalia so I don't have to think about it as much. Social dysphoria I also experience, but I've talked about that already.

How I deal with it is binding and stuff.

12. What is the stupidest thing you've heard said about the LGBTQ+ community?

Hmm. The ppl who genuinely argue that accepting the community means you'll be forced to accept pedophilia or beastiality. Like. Lmao no?

13. Favorite thing about the community?

I just love how great it feels to be in it tbh. It can be so positive and loving and just genuinely make you feel good about yourself.

14. Least favorite thing about the community?

Exclusionists.

15. Have you ever been to your city's pride event?

No, but I went to Pride in Des Moines!!! IT WAS GREAT!

16. Favorite LGBTQ+ celebrity?

I don't really follow celebrities, but probably Ian McEllen and Tim Gunn.

17. Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

I was in a relationship for a while with a friend of mine and it was wonderful tbh. We met in a server and started talkng more, and started out as qpps then became partners and like we broke up, but I still enjoyed the experience and wouldn't go back in time and stop it from happening. My other qpp tho. That's something I would do lmao.

I also have a bf but that's a secret~

18. Favorite LGBTQ+ book.

I haven't read a lot of books, so I guess I have to say The Raven Cycle bc that's the only one I remember reading.

19. Have you ever faced discrimination?

Mmmm the only time I have experienced direct discrimination I was giving a friend valentines chocolate in high school and some kid called me a d*ke when i walked past him.

The other stuff is like. My therapist telling me to check for a hormone imbalance when I said I was asexual.

20. Favorite LGBTQ+ movie/show?

She-ra, "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything", The Runaways (the movie not the show), No. 6.

21. Favorite LGBTQ+ bloggers?

I don't have any lmao.

22. Which slur do you want to reclaim?

Queer, bc it's already been reclaimed and it fits me.

23. Have you ever gone to a gay bar or drag show? How was it?

Nope. Never, but it'd be fun!!

24. How do you idrntify your gender?

Already answered this lol.

25. Interested in having kids?

Nope. I'd be too scared of screwing them up.

26. What identity service would you give your younger self?

I wish I'd known there was an ace community before I was older tbh. So that, probably.

27. What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I personally like playing a feminine role, but I also think gender roles are unecessary, so like. As long as I'm an equal I don't care what role I play lmao. If you wanna treat me like the handmaiden, as long as you're not doing it bc you see me as a woman I don't care.

28. Anything else you wanna share about your gender?

Nah. Just. I don't bother trying to pin it down anymore bc the more I analyze it the less I understand it.

29. Something you wish ppl knew about being LGBTQ+?

Hmmmm not really. It's fun outside of the systemic oppression?

30. Why are you proud to be LGBTQ+?

For me it's less about pride in being LGBTQ+ and more being proud to express myself authentically. 🤷

[wastelandcatartist]

Shitty things my mom does (feel free to add your own)

Me: Hey, mom, its my day off and I want to relax

Mom: Relax?????! You are so lazy!! All you do is sit on your phone!!!! You cant live through those yputubers go have a life!! Get out of the house once in a while!!! At your age I was woth your dad

Me: *rolls eyes bc ive heard it before* Okayyyyyyy sorry I asked to relax for once.

Mom: For once????! You give so much attitude!!! You are so.ungrateful!!!! You poor baby you dont know the stress i deal with with our money problems, ypu need to get a full time job or get a.second job!!!

Me: *nearly in tears, but handling it* Alright fine I wont relax. Geez. I just asked a question and you went.off on me

Mom: *proceeds to scream at me and get my dad to yell at me even though I am just sitting there taking it*

~~~~~~

Mom: *complains about millenials* *later says something i find offensive*

Me: Wow. That was rude.

Mom: Oh you poor millennial you want everything handed to you dont you? You want everyone to be happy froofroo nicey nice to each other dont you?

Me: Better than you generation.with their bullying and homophobic/racist stuff.

Mom: Oh that w a just being silly!!! And it.toughened us up!!! The world is cruel!!!

*later*

Mom: Why are you SO scared of.living on your own??? Dont be such a baby!! The world isnt so bad!!!

Me: *internally screaming*

~~~~~~

Me: *genuiniely forgets something*

Mom: Thats a poor excuse. You.didnt forget you just didnt want to do it. It wasnt something for YOU so you dont care you are so fucking selfish!!

~~~~

Mom: I was doing so.much more at your age. You are not an adult. You are a child. Age is nothing, it doesnt.make you an adult.

Me: *pissed off* Then how are you an adult?

Mom: you are so hateful! I go to sleep crying every night because.of the way you treat me.

~~~~~~~

Mom: If i do something that bithers you, tell.me and we can work ir out.

Me: (*thinking* wow! Things are finally turning around!!) Okay well *thing that genuiniely upsets me*

Mom: That bugs you???? Lol, you need to get over yourself.

Me: 🙃🤐

~~~~~~~

Mom: *once tore up any nsfw art I had at 15. Restricted anything or:13 or more and even cursing in comics* Why dint you like when im in your room? Are you hiding anything? What are you hiding? Drugs??

Me: ??!?!?!? You tore up.art you.didnt like because it was dirty even though I was a horny teenager and that was my way of working out those feelings????

Mom: I never did that. You are.lying. you.have always lied no one will ever believe you.

~~~~~

Mom: If you keep pissing me off I'm gonna punch you.

Me: Do it and I will call the cops on you.

Mom: you arent a minor anymore i can do it.

Me: ???its still assult??? Lmao

Mom: Do it. Your dad will defend me. He works for the jail. I will tell the cop that you are lying. You have lied so much to.me and your dad they will beleive me and not.you because.you are a.dumb kid.

~~~~~~~

Me: Hey. I'm 20. Can you treat me.more.like an.adult?

Mom: Sure. Pay this.much retn, this much bills, this much everything. You have to have it next week.or.else you will be evicted from MY house.

Me: You.know i dont make that.much a paycheck???? And this isnt what I was talking about???? You know this?????

Mom: I am.the parent you are the child. Get over it. No matter what i will be the adult and you will be the kid.

~~~~~~~~

Me: *shows my.mom something nsfw i did bc I was proud of.it, gave fair warning of what it wpuld be*

Mom; This.isnt talent. This is garbage. Why are you wasting.your talent

~~~~~~~~

Me: *draws fanart*

Mom: I wish you would make.ypur own works. Not cpoy someone else's creation. You habe potential. Use it. Go to.college.

Me: I cant.afford.college. I dont.make.enough to save.

Mom: Stop buying bullshit (art supplies to help.me). I know how. to save. I have taught you. I must be a failure.

~~~~~~~~

Me: *age 16* Mom I think I have bipolar disorder.

Mom: If you.really think thst call a therapist and set it up yourself. I habe watched you and.you.dint look like.you do, you are always smiling.

~~~~~~~

Me: *accidentally says 'we' when talking about the lgtb++ community, even though i have come out at pan repeatedly*

Mom: We???? Lol you arent GAY I have seen the way you check guys out.

Me: No but im.not straight. Im.pansexual. I habe told.you this.

Mom: Whatever.

~~~~~

Mom: *watvhing some transphobic piece of shit* Well, they do have a point that once you are a boy you are always a boy

Me: Abd thats what horomone replacement is.for???

Mom: Thats dangerous i don't get it. There are only two genders.

Dad: Even after surgery you are still a guy. Even if.you.look like a girl and act like a girl.

Me: ????thats awful and transphobic?????

Them: no way!! We love everyone!!!!

Mom: the inly ones that bither me are the nonbinaries. I will call THEM 'it'. I dimt get how they can be nothing. Women that are nonbinary just hate women. I refuse to call them they.

Me: *explains it.in a way she can understand*

Them: Dont.understand. wasnt in my generation. Doesnt make.sense. there are only.two genders.

Me: *red flags for homophobes and transphobes*

~~~~~~~~

Mom: i cant wait until you finally get a boy friend. *stops* or girlfriend or ITfriend. I want to see you happy.

Me: ?????????? How do i meet people

Mom: put.make up on and make.yourself.look nice and.not.like a scrounge once in a while. *also tries to set me.up woth COMPLETE STRANGERS I DONT FIND ATTRACTIVE*

~~~~~~~~~

Mom: *got.pissed when i was 12 and chatted online, telling me everyone I talked to was pedophiles*

*now*

Me: *chatting with online friends*

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Checking notifications.

Mom: I bet you are talking to.your booooyyyyfriends oooooooooooooooo

Me: Nope.

Mom: Uh huh

Me: no.

Mom: Whatever. You are chatting eith strangers. You are an adult.if you.dint want.to.listen oh well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom: You dont love the pets like.I do. You forget to feed an water them. Thats how.your dog died. (She died of old age :/)

(Also note i feed and wster them when i remeber AND do the cat litter AND play with them. She cuddles them and.pets them)

~~~~~~~~~~

Me: I think i habe depression.

Mom: No you dont. I do. Look at my self harm scars I habe always wanted to kill.myself. you smile how arr you.depressed??

~~~~~~~~~

Mom: *uses stuff from when I couldnt do things in my own against me, like changing my diapers*

Me: Hey this makes me feel bad about being alive and makes me wish I was mever born

Mom: Oh I'm joking. Get over it you sensitive snowflake.

(Feel feee yo add your own! My dad is a gaslighter and mental abuser, starting to realise my mom isnt a poor abuse victim. Theres a reason she loves my dad. Too much alike. Anyways I wanna hear your own!!!)

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

[justemotionalabusethings]

here’s what happened in therapy today

under the cut bc it’s gonna be long folks! please only like this if you read it all!

so once again, i was anxious as FUck for therapy today :))))) but when i got there i wasn’t so that’s good i guess. she first asked me what i wanted to talk about and i was like “okay so ya know how you were like ‘what do you want to get out of therapy’ and i didnt have an answer? well now i do” and i basically told her that i wanted to find out if im crazy for thinking i shouldn’t have been treated how my parents treated me as a child. honestly y’all it SHOCKS me each time i talk about my parents irl how scared i am of cps being called for any reason/someone being like “lol u think u were abused?? L O L not true” so yeah. that fear was real again !

so then she was asking me to elaborate on what i mean bc i was being vague (i knew it too lol) and so i tried to describe what i meant without using the word “abuse” bc thats a scary word and she was like “i can tell you’re using more neutral statements than you’re feeling. you seem to be feeling stronger things than that” and i was internally like “damn sis call me out” bc i do have strong emotions about this

she also called me out bc a lot of the time when she would ask me a question i’d be like “uhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,” and have this kind of worried look on my face and she asked me if i knew i did that and i said yeah i know, and she asked me where that comes from and i didn’t connect it at the time but now looking back my parents, especially my dad, would when he yelled at me, ask me what i was going to do in the future or ask me to explain why i didn’t do something and i would have that same reaction bc i didn’t know what he wanted me to say.

so neither of us actually used the word abuse today which im kind of glad/kind of not glad about bc of the other fears i said before but she said my parents sound judgemental and controlling and that was probably maladaptive for me so i never got to learn really. and then we talked about problems im having now with mood and motivation and she was connecting them to things i’d probably learned from my parents/childhood and i was happy she did that bc that means she thinks they didn’t help me

also lol she asked me what some good things were that my parents did for me that i would want to use in my future family and i was like “uhhh my parents provided for me and my brother monetarily? my brother and i are close? uhhh,,,” and then she was like “well is that your parents doing that you’re close?” and i felt Called Out bc i couldn’t really name an emotional thing i want to take with me :////

i told her that my old therapist said that my parents’ behavior is how most families are, and i told her that i thought that if that’s how families are, that i want nothing to do with family. she also asked me if i felt loved and i was like “yes they told me they loved me” and she was like “did you FEEL loved though?” and i thought about it and.....i don’t think i did really. i told her that i remember writing in my journal in 7th grade “why does it feel like my parents love me less and less as i grow older?” and that i was scared to write that in my journal for fear of someone seeing.

i told her about how i would reach out for emotional support to my parents a lot at night which was their “TV Time” and it was annoying if i interrupted and it became like a joke when i would come downstairs basically at the same time each night. i told her i felt helpless. she then took this idea of journaling and said it would be helpful for me, in her opinion, to write down 3 things im grateful for at the end of each night since a lot of my journaling (i told her) was about negative things about myself. so i think im gonna try that.

thank you so much if you read all this <333

[the-long-lost-ebony-blog]

my suicide attempt from kinphobia -- really really long post!!

TW FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, HOSPITAL, FRIEND BETRAYAL, DOCTORS, ABUSE, KINPHOBIA, ANXIETY, SELF HARM , PEDOPHILE MENTION, and MAYBE DOXXING!!! 

well um. remember a while back when i was all super worried about a girl in chem class almost finding out i'm kin? yeah. it happened. it happened like a month ago. so i actually started being friends with her after she'd obvs had a bad day, like she was just sitting in the hall and i felt sorry for her bc she'd been crying. i started talking to her and asked if she was okay, now at that point she had no idea that i might be kin. i hid it really well! until!! she said that kin itself is a mental illness. and i couldn't help myself. i fuckin went off on her. kin isn't a mental illness, not all kin are mentally ill, etc etc. she just froze up and had this look of absolute disgust on her face. i tried to backpedal and say that she was just using the words wrong, and she was insulting mentally ill ppl but noo, she caught on. 

i just sorta made an excuse and left but it turns out that later on, she'd gone onto my facebook which i don't put on here for reasons like this lol. she dug through my timeline and a bunc of old photos and found like... a kin positive graphic from 2009 or something. it was a thing saying that i was "kin and proud" or whatever. (back then i thought i might be therian or otherkin. not fictionkin.)) 

now, i am in college but for summers i go home to live with my parents. that's where i am now. so here's where it gets worse. tw for stuff above. she went onto their facebook pages and got their emails. and she sent them both email as "a concerned friend". she told them that she was friends with me from class, and that i'd been acting weird lately -- like, not myself, low self esteem, spent all my time talking to strange people on tumblr, took 'a certain satire writing' (my source!! ugh) too seriously, and was really disconnected from reality. 

okay so the deal with my parents: they really are supportive of gender stuff (even though i'm a cis girl and was cis in canon) and different sexualities, and disabilities. they are also anti trump and want free health care and wish we did not start shit with russia. like they are not bad people. but in the past , i'd started to ask them for advice on if i was kin.  i had to explain what kin was. and they were p much horrified that this exists. they think that it "locks people into fiction and imagined reality" and "stunts their phsyclogical (not sure how to spell) development" and "teaches suffering kids to use escapism instead of therapy or self help". basically they are super ableist when it comes to kin. and they think it's ridiculous that it's actual community. stupid me, i'd literally said (before they said all that) that "i think i'm an otherkin, i feel uncomfortable as i am right now". so i pretended to agree with them on kin being bad. but then when this girl sent them the email.... i was home. with them. 

they would not shut up aboout how terrible this was for me, how i was hurting myself, how they never should have let me on tumblr, how they shouldve watched me closer, how i don't owe "these people" anything (you guys are my friends!!!) how this community is toxic, how i badly needed therapy. okay okay -- i need therapy! but it's for depression! not for being ebony!! and it was like this every single fucking day, and a lot of cringe blogs have been posting shots of my blog. that's because she's sent anon tips to them outing me as kin, outed me to my parents, and all the other ppl from class i was friends with? she spred a rumor that i was a pedophile apologist and didn't think authors' work was original, to make them stay away from me. i would have been here on tumblr -- ut they monitored all the stuff i did on the internet. i could only write poetry and watch youtube and like check the fucking weather. and i could shop on amazon. they became so ridiculously strict. it was "to protect me" but no. they refused to udnerstand that kin heps me! 

everything came to a head that night. they took a way my laptop, they took away my phone, they made me disconnect from everything that was related to kin. and they sent me to a therapist who was... well. awful. she was blatantly kinphobic, she'd had kin patients before and claimed to have cured them of being kin. this bitch had glowing reviews everywhere. when i insisted that i actually was ebony, she told me that i was taking "imagination as a coping skill" to far. she would not let me explain anything. my parents, who i usually came to for advice and liked, didn't let me explain. any mention of kin was just shut down. 

and then i couldn't anymore. i am so sorry, i just couldn't do it. and i was so angry at them. i was angryer at the bitch classmate who outed me to them. i wrote a sucide note telling them that i'd attempted before but kin saved my life, that i was sorry i couldn't be better, that all i ever wanted was to find my true self, that if i couldn't be ebony then i couldnt be at all. TW!! when they were asleep i went down to the medicine cabinet, i put a basket of my favorite things on the table, and i put the letter in it. and then i took.... jeez i dont even know what. 

the next thing i knew i was awake in the hospital. god it hurt all over. i just remember feeling super sick but really wanting food, and my head hurt, and it hurt to keep my eyes open. i was just... aching. and i was so disappointed and so scared that i'd failed. i knew my parents were furious with me and i'd never talk to my friends again. when they came in to finally talk to me , well i don't remember what happened. i blocked it out. but i do remember that they weren't angry at me, they were mad at themselves.  they are still kinphobic, but they want me to be comfortable with myself without "having to believe i'm ebony". 

when i recovered enough to be sent home they spent all their time with me until i said i needed to be alone. so they gave me a break but they came back, they said that they'd read about how to help me. all the advice they got said that they shouldn't isolate me and they shouldnt cut off my contact from my friends. so i'm allowed to be on tumblr a little, i'm allowed to talk about kin a little, they think that i'll grow out of it with lots of help. shutting me down about it will make me restless and i might atempt again. 

i am currently in therapy. i dk what my new therapist thinks of kin. i try not to talk about it with her bc i'm scared that she'll be hostile and i'll relapse. overall going to see her is not stressfull as long as i don't alk about being ebony. i just kinda pretend that i don't have a sense of my own identity, so she's trying to help me build one. i did tell her about how i had a frend that spread horrible rumors about me and shared my secrets bc i did something she didn't like, i didn't do anything wrong though. she was really sympathetic bc when she was a teenager, fake friends spread rumors about her being bi and said it meant she was cheating on her boyfriend. so yeah she is helping but kin helps too. i'm not going to tell her about it bc i can't have it taken away from me again. 

thats why i've been gone so long. i'm on new meds too, antidepressants, so i might act weird or be emotional a lot. and im trying not to self harm but i slip up and cut sometimes where no one can see it. 

i know i have a lot of messages. guys im really really sorry but i have to delete them. there are self care request, have to delete, i'm sorry. it's just.... if i the messages, i feel sick bc it' like i missed a deadline over and over and i feel like people are going to be mad at me and i feel like i cant fix it. if you sent requests, please sent them again SLOWLY over the next couple days. im doing everything i can to get better. but i need your help. 

[saintkimora]

well here is how work was on saturday and sunday

so first is saturday! it was a pretty good day. i got like 3 credit cards i think. i actually dont remember much about it but i do remember that it was the day i officially realized i have a crush on one of my managers! his name is steve and he is REALLY cute and he has such a fun personality! and his hair looks really good and he has such a nice ass and hes nice to me even though i know hes only so nice bc the strategy for the managers here is to use positive reinforcement to motivate the workers. also him, my coworker juliet, and i were all talking about fruit in the break room and he literally asked “are grapes a fruit?” now THAT is a man

so i got in that day and i saw the other iconic manager sarah and she was talking to someone so when i came in she stopped and she was like “hi perry!” and then she turned to the person she was talking to and said “hes my favorite” which was nice. and then she was telling me about our goals for today and she was like we need these credit cards today so she told me to “go sprinkle my perry dust everywhere and get these cards” and thats exactly what i did at first! i got 2 v quickly but then i kinda flopped for the rest of the day so i felt bad about that but then i got one more towards the end. the store as a whole only got 4 credit cards that day and the only other one was from steve. so i was kinda happy bc even though we didnt reach our goal (the goal was like 11 i think) i still did relatively well compared to my coworkers

and also i got so many compliments on my shirt that day, from both my coworkers and the customers! and that made me v happy bc caleb told me all my clothes were ugly but here i am getting all these compliments from my coworkers and customers and even customers who arent even at my register! so i wonder who the one with bad taste really is. that reminds me steve also complimented me on my shirt that day which made me happy he was like “perry you are always killing it with these shirts” again i know as a manager he has ulterior motives for being so nice to me but idc it still feels good to have a man be nice to me again 

speaking of caleb at one point i saw a customer and he literally looked just like caleb from behind so i thought it was really him and i almost had a heart attack like even after i realized it wasnt him i was still sooooooo nervous which was annoying bc i was hoping that he wouldnt have as much of an effect on me anymore but it seems im still kinda scared of him. and i have been getting kinda sad about him lately bc even though i know it wasnt entirely my fault that the relationship became what it did i cant help but think about all the things i did wrong and all the areas in which i fell short as a boyfriend that lead to him losing interest in me. thats also why i like work bc it keeps my mind occupied so i dont have to think about those things as much

anyways! during my breaks i did talk to my coworker juliet a little and it was so much fun!! and as i said earlier steve joined us at one point and we were all talking and it was really nice. and at one point juliet asked me if i liked milk and i was like no and she actually set me up bc steve got like mad about it bc he really likes milk apparently hes so cute lol

and now for sunday! i only worked like 4 hours and 45 minutes that day. BUT i got 5 credit cards!!!! and the store as a whole only got 7! nut. the other 2 were from my coworker yolemny who was kinda cold to me that day but she seemed to be in a bad mood in general so i didnt take it personally. but i was so MAD bc this one girl was gonna sign up for a card but she didnt have her id on her and if she did i would have gotten 6 cards which wouldve been a personal best for me

i was still happy about it though, like i got the first 4 in my first 2 hours and during the hourly updates over the walkies nicole (another one of the managers) was like “perry got 4 cards so far and hes only been here 2 hours so he is showing that it can be done. so we need everyone to keep pushing these cards” and honestly it was iconic bc at one point yolemny was on the register next to me and we were literally getting back to back cards together! and for the other hourly updates steve would refer to me as the man on fire since i was getting so many cards

like it really makes me happy when the managers praise me so much. like i know these managers probably dont actually like me and are just being so nice bc its part of their strategy to keep me happy and motivated so i keep getting cards for them. but still, it feels nice to actually be good at something for once since ive been sucking at everything ive tried to do for like the past year. and even if their kindness isnt genuine it still makes me feel accepted which is greatly appreciated since ive felt so alone for pretty much the past year and a half (excluding the 2 months where my relationship w caleb was good). so yeah i really like this job and i like the managers and my coworkers and i like feeling useful and important to someone again, even if its just because im good at getting people to apply for credit cards. so yeah i actually look forward to work now bc i get to be good at something and i get to see steve and i get to talk to my coworkers!

so thats pretty much it. i dont have work again until friday. i do have a meeting w my therapist tm so that will be fun. i might finally be going out w the new grindr guy this week too, but ive kinda already given up on that bc i dont really know how to talk to him and im 99% sure hes not gonna like me that much, but if anything at least itll get me out of the house for a few hours. i am also gonna start going to my schools gym! im gonna schedule an appointment to have like an “orientation” tour type thing where someone shows you how to do everything since i have no idea how to work out. im really nervous about it but i might be able to get danielle to go with me that way i dont have to do it alone so if she goes it could be fun! its just bc i want something to do since i still have way too much free time for my liking. and i might as well try to get more fit that way i can look better in all the cute clothes i want and hopefully find a man easier. so thats my plan for the week! 

[ihatekarn-blog]

a not so brief history of my depression

I hate the term dEpReSSed. Idk if i can even rightfully say i am depressed. i think it all started when i was twelve? maybe earlier, i am not really sure. i think it became more of a real condition in middle school for sure though, probably after i read “Winter Girls” by Laurie Halse Anderson lol which is really pathetic to say bc??? did i rly become depressed from reading a book about eating disorders… a stupid way to start things

I started cutting myself in eighth grade while i was on vacation in Hawaii for the first time. i’m pretty sure i only did it because i wanted to copy Lia, the main character from the novel but i would tell myself that i was depressed and suffering from an eating disorder. yeah im a liar even to myself. But karma got me bc i started to become actually depressed in high school hAHA fake it till u make it am i RIGHT!!! I am a piece of shit

I do not really think it stemmed from anything traumatic in my life. i would just cut myself every time i felt angry and i could not hurt the people making me angry. i don’t really hear this reason a lot on depression forums but yuP that is why i do it. my parents became really angry with me when they found out but never expressed any real concern. just anger and disgust. I told my mom once before that i was depressed and she did not seem to understand. she kept catching me cutting myself so she eventually took me to therapy and threatened to call the police on me if i did it again (lol ok).

she only let me go to therapy four times until she decided it was too expensive and refused to let the therapist refer me to a psychiatrist for antidepressants. every time i wear shorts, even today, she gets angry and makes disgusted comments about the cuts on my thighs. once she got me scar cream as a gift, and i really do think she meant well, but i angrily refused because i liked my scars back then. i still like them now but i do feel pretty nervous wearing shorts in the summer.

then i met my current boyfriend (my first and only boyfriend) and he did not really have an effect on my depression initially. he knew and cared, but i don’t really think he cared that much. I would have scabbing cuts on my thighs constantly when we had sex and he never said anything about them. when i asked why later on, he said he thought they were scars. I didn’t believe him.

Then in my senior year of high school, he dumped me, and the rejection and abandonment awoke something totally new in me. i become disgustingly obsessed with winning back his affections, willing to do any kind of shameful sexual acts to possibly change his mind, even though he was always firm with me that he no longer loved me. those days were the first time i truly considered suicide. i don’t really know why. i don’t think i loved him that much back then. i think the birth control i was on also played a huge factor in it all.

Fast forward about few years. After my first year of college, he left for UCLA, and i think i finally was able to let him go at that point. i was sad, but for some reason, i was not afraid of being without him. i think it was because i found a solid and supportive group of friends. For the entirety of my second year in college, i don’t think i ever cut myself apart from the time my dog died. I got back together with my boyfriend that year and it was and is still today a healthy, strong relationship. i had a breast cancer scare that made me realize that i did not actually want to die. 2017 was a good year for me.

Fast forward again one year. i moved to irvine for school, and the change of pace, environment, friends, everything made me fall back into the black hole of sadneSS. long distance was never a problem when i was back home, but suddenly now it is unbearable. i am doing poorly in school and career. i have not really made friends apart from my housemates and watching my peers living their best lives in college just makes me feel like..

why can’t i do that

and it’s not as though i haven’t made an honest effort. i promise i have. i forced myself out of my comfort zone time after time, and it seldom paid off. In addition to that, i ended up with the worst roommate anyone could possibly ask for who highlighted every single one of my flaws. and now i’ve started cutting again and wanting to die again and yeah that is the story idk how to end this haha double meaning

[theroadtorestoration-blog]

5/26/2017 I would like to hold myself accountable in some way, so I'm going to start posting. Today I binged. These past few weeks have consisted of more binges than these past few months and it's scaring me. I started meeting with my therapist because of this and because of an ample amount of free time. I believe this amount of free time is causing me to think FAR too much about "fixing" myself, which is why I end up bingeing. My breakfasts and lunches have been satisfactory in the eyes of a girl on a weight loss journey, but if you ask my therapist, they are considered restrictive. Anyways, I'm going to be posting before, during, and after binges from now on in order to get a clearer sense of some of the reasons behind WHY I keep falling down this path. I'd really like to make this summer a time for myself to get closer to overcoming this battle of one and I believe the first step is being honest. So, here I am. Post-binge & post-purge as I walk the Weber Center track. My goal for the night is to reach 20,000 steps. Is this overexercise? Probably, but the highly irrational side of my brain is okay with that because... well.. whatever leads to weight loss. While I'm here, I guess I'll say how my day went and maybe I'll discover some potential triggers. 8:00- woke up and showered. I put on a cute outfit but I changed into a more comfortable one that made me feel really bad about my body. I changed bc I thought I'd get cold at graduation rehearsal. I even put on lipstick and earrings! Probably bc I wanted to impress my boo thang 8:15- I had my ACV and then I ate breakfast. I make myself drink this before breakfast bc I believe it's the magic waste loss cure. I wanted some protein so I started out with a strawberry Greek yogurt. I then made some oatmeal and had that as my starch instead of granola because for some reason I thought eating oatmeal would keep me from binging today ??? Who knows. My logic is skewed. I put 1 tbsp of protein in it bc I thought more protein = fuller tummy = lower chance of bingeing. I then had a disgusting overcooked hard boiled egg. My reflux of that was SICKENING. I had a strawberry too. I really wanted to binge but I left.... 8:35- supposed to be at graduation rehearsal @ 9. There was a breakfast from 8-9 that I skipped bc HA. when's the last time I've ever gone to a provided breakfast??? The idea of putting one of those bagels in my system makes me wanna barf. Disgusting carbs. 8:44- I arrive at niles North. I don't wanna see these people. Ugh. I wanna hide myself. I don't wanna walk in front of that crowd and get body shamed. I wanna see vaughn but I don't want him to see me. If I cross my arms over my belly maybe my body will turn invisible. 9:00- the gym is filled with pastries and bagels. Yuck. How does everyone just eat all of that stuff so carelessly? 9:05- the rehearsal is fine and long and I just wanna go and get on with my day. I'm so sick of this place and I hate all of this small talk. I see Uche and vaughn talking. Blah. I see tiselle. I think she hates me. Do I owe her an apology? Vaughn and I aren't even really dating. We've basically just hooked up and had some sleepovers. 9:40- omg there was this thing we had to do when we went to our seats and the person directly across from you in the parallel line would sit at the same time as you and vaughn and I were parallel! Love those coincidences. Also during the ceremony I sat behind manduul. He makes me uncomfortable. I also sat behind Nathan, vaughns friend, and I felt very judged. Am I too much for people? 10:00- I'm free! I zoom toward the exit and to the door and jump into my car. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I head to old navy and call dad. I tell him to meet me there. 10:15- I begin shopping. I enjoy shopping but it can be tough. I like my body now more than I used to, but I've still got some improvements to make. Im really proud of my exercise efforts though. I've been so consistent!!! I can't wait to continue on this fitness journey and to get a better grip on this healthy lifestyle. 1:00- omg, I'm finally done shopping. I can't believe I spent $270 on clothes...... holy shit. I've never done that before. It was my dads money and he was happy to do it but damn. I feel so spoiled. do I even deserve all of this stuff? Probably not. Ugh I'm so privileged it makes me sick. 1:05- dad was gross and flirty with cashier and I really don't wanna be around him but I have a salad at his house I was gonna eat for lunch so I head there and he follows right behind me in his car!!! Oy. 1:15- I eat a green salad from Trader Joe's. It has a lot of fat in it (27 g) but not a lot of protein (14 g) so I'm freaking out and worried about a later binge. Should I have that salmon in there or is it too much? The meal is only 370 calories. Do I need more? Dad comes and eats both of the small containers with salmon. He says it's okay to eat that much bc he worked out!!!! He keeps saying shit like that. It's so triggering. He says it as if you need to earn the right to eat which is such a disordered way of thinking. Is my whole family disordered? Oy vey. 1:30- I try and speed through lunch because this man is driving me insane. I say I'm gonna go to moms house and clean. I end up going upstairs until 2 and I just laid down and looked up things for vaughn and I to do tonight. Couldn't find anything. 2:05- I head to moms house. I grab 2 pieces of gum from dads fridge bc I think it'll rid of the urge to binge. It does for a while. I continue cleaning up and getting rid of stuff at moms while I listen to music. Not aware of the time. I take a break at some point. I head to the fridge and I get a chicken breast from jewel. I heat it up. My favorite part is the fatty skin. Is that completely disgusting? Probably. I'm proud of myself bc I eat it at a controlled pace which is new for me. I also have 3 pieces of shrimp. I'm upset with myself bc I'm watching a movie as I eat it. The love is called Blue is the Warmest Color. It's about lesbians. I question my sexuality for the thousandth time. I see that Jacob (my Ex boyfriends) new friend group posts a picture of themselves with a couch. Why are they mocking my friend group? Whatever! I also make myself a French vanilla cappuccino and I crave some shortbread cookies but I don't let myself. I tell myself to wait it out and let the craving pass because I know I'm not actually hungry. I stop watching the movie at this point and I return to cleaning. I have short text conversation with Spencer about vaughn and then about dammy. I realized that I'm not sure if I really trust vaughn and the relationship I currently have with him is kinda strange and I'm not sure how much I really wanna pursuit it. I really enjoy him though. He's so intelligent and makes great convo. At some point, I make my way to the kitchen again and I let myself have a ton of chocolate. I reach for the box of Fannie may chocolates that I discovered a few days back and rip through half of that, I love the chocolates with raspberry centers. I then reach for a box of European chocolates and they are expired and dusty looking. Yuck. I then eat some m&ms and chocolate squares and it's out of hand. I even have some more maple cookies and I heat up a handheld apple pie from Krispy cream. I heat up a butternut squash ravioli and vegetables lean cuisine and I devour it. I want more pasta. More carbs. I find another pasta dish in the freezer, I heat it, and it's gross. I put it in a container and throw it in the fridge. Wonder what my mom will think about all of the containers and food wrappers in the garbage. I hope she doesn't question me about it. I then have 2 spinach pie triangles and heat them in panini maker. Not very good. Then I make a quesadilla with 2 tortillas and a ton of cheese. I eat that by the tv. I then make another one even though I'm beginning to feel sick. This is the last thing I eat. I drink some water out a wine glass and I'm mad at myself. Go figure. This always ends up happening. I'm not sure I'll ever learn. I go to the bathroom and lay down and I'm in so much pain. I try spitting up my food. Oh yeah, just to mention I was spitting up some of my chocolate earlier on and I did this by running around and drinking water. Anyways, after My binge I'm in the bathroom trying to throw up and my phone is dying so I grab the extension cord thingy and I bring it to the bathroom downstairs bc I enjoy purging into that Toilet better and I charge my phone as I spit food up. Not too much comes up. I watch a video about what to do after a binge. It's not too helpful. I do hear AGAIN that I need to not restrict after a binge. This is so hard to learn bc I always have events coming up. I'm not trying to look like a fat ass at graduation or on birthright!!! 7:20- I decide to head to Weber center to walk. It's raining outside but I need to do something and I don't wanna be with other people. lol I never wanna be with other people. I'm too ashamed of myself. I set a goal for myself to walk 20,000 steps and I compete with everyone walking. Well, that's my day so far. If anything drastic ends up happening, I'll update you in tomorrow's post. Until then, keep on fighting. You are not your illness and I have no doubt that you'll eventually beat this. I love you, rach. Signing off.