#im traumatized apparently
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I've been through 2 near panic attacks for no reason...there's been 0 triggers. I'm exhausted and want to cry.
Still trying to figure out maybe a reasonable explanation.
I'm agoraphobic with panic disorders. Panic disorder. I've been off my medication for 6 months.
Think I found the problem and solution.
My mind is such a mess.
#personal#i have this thing about not relying on medication#for some reason#IT ALSO COULD BE ive been notified that ex-manager is out for blood#im worried enough to let the family know#im traumatized apparently#add it to the list#i keep suppressing those attacks/reactions/emotions#i want to be angry and lash out but im preventing from doing so
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one thing — well, it wasn’t really a quest, more like a point of interest — disturbed me a lot. on my first playthrough, i stumbled upon her just by exploring. this time, the innkeeper betty told me about her. she said there was a wild woman, a divoženka, out in the woods and the villagers were afraid she’d curse them. so some men went out and ended her.
it’s so incredibly cruel to me. i know people were insanely religious and superstitious back then, but even henry, when he finds her body, says “what happened to that poor woman” (if he didn’t know about it) or “she looks like a normal woman to me” (if he got told by the innkeeper). so even the other men probably could tell she was rather harmless. just the fact that women who decided to live on their own outside of society could easily end up dead… that was really disturbing to me.
#kcd2#kcd2 spoilers#im slavic myself i know about superstitions and shit#my mom even apparently had a witch in her village but meh#it’s usually just 'odd' women being cast out of society and harshly judged by it#wonder what happened to that poor woman#what made her live on her own in the wild#probably something really traumatic and yet it wasn’t enough#kingdom come deliverance 2
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COME ON GUYS DON'T LET DIANXIA DOWN
#images i drew on my phone approximately 90 seconds before class started#tma vs tgcf is pitting two bad bitches against each other but#from the other guys propaganda he is apparently a beloved side character#which i totally understand.#BUT HUA CHENG IS THE DEUTERANTAGONIST WHO LOVED XIE LIAN SO MUCH IT UNDOOMED HIM FROM THE NARRATIVE#HE DIDNT CLAW HIS WAY OUT OF TONGLU TO BE BEATEN LIKE THIS#also tma has gay people that dont undoom each other from the narrative. L + ratio (/j/j/j/j we all love tragedies here)#hua cheng will never rest in peace and he doesn't want to because he has a smokin boyfriend#they are both angry goths but has gerry died THREE TIMES????? no. just once. lame.#gerry got his skin bound into a necromancy book that was eventually burned but hua cheng ripped out his eye to craft a sickass scimitar !!!#hua cheng haunts the narrative before he dies in a hundred tiny ways and then HEAVILY after he dies a second time#he's an awesome city owner and has violent beef with HEAVEN. and he carves statues and paints and builds temples#and is also a self conscious loser <3#his gay awakening was intensely traumatic and religious for everybody involved. and he's had the same life mission since he was 10#he is actively fighting ghost discrimination and getting dangerous magical items off of the normal human market#also he is always bedecked in elaborate silver and chains and eyeliner and ALWAYS in blood red clothes#HE CAN MAKE IT RAIN BLOOD!!???!?!? ALSO#he stick and poked his god's name on himself but his handwriting is so bad it's unrecognizable and the signs he puts up have evil auras#this has ceased to be propaganda. now im just gushing. only tgcf fans will see this anyway. whatever youre getting blorbo rant#tgcf#art#poll#hua cheng#lmao#my art#tian guan ci fu#hualian#xie lian#hob#heaven official's blessing
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So we're fully in lunatic hours, huh. Just every one of these women have fully lost their goddamn minds. And not even, if I may be so bold in my loving-insane-women opinion, in a fun way. Misty-fucking-Quigley is, by several leagues at this point, officially the least certifiably insane person, which I never would have considered a possibility during season 1. Cool cool cool, just keeping up 👍
#i officially have no fucking clue what is happening on this show any longer#ive always been very disinterested in the 'what is the It could It maybe be real??' angle so i have been bored to tears this season as the#ADULT --not the currently being traumatized thus have reason to 'believe'-- tai lottie van and now apparently melissa out of NOWHERE have#entertained. there is no 'it' you crazy bitches the only It you need is Intense Therapy-and-heavy-medication.#at this point they're almost just doing shock value kooky crazy which feels really bad in contrast to callie struggling#(who tbh im increasingly convinced played an accidental hand in lottie's death & part of what's changed her tune on shauna was hearing#the glee in teen shauna's voice on the tape when she herself does NOT feel glee about what death she allegedly may have contributed to)#i also think callie did it bc shauna taking the blame and sacrificing herself-- and finally facing consequences-- in her daughter's place#is the only thematically relevant or interesting theory keeping me at all invested in the adult storyline currently lol#*callie AND poor sammie who the showrunners may have mostly forgotten but I certainly have not!!!#ive assumed her ex-wife hasn't called the cops on her because she knows how poorly mentally ill black women are treated by the system#but omg these women are actually criminally insane babe make the call save tai literally from herself 🙏#yellowjackets#dani talks about tv#yellowjackets spoilers
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finally caught up to witch hat atelier
it remains in its peakness
#i've already espoused a ton of thoughts before BUT i have since bought into the severe lesbianism going on in here#its just lumity before lumity and far sweeter at that#no hate to luz and amity they just cant match coco and agott im afraid#AND gay witch dads is very apparent to me olruggio is down bad for qifrey and doesnt even know it#AND AND the most goddamn gorgeous black girl character in a manga who is unambiguously black#anyways my distrust of qifrey has waned he seemed far more devoted to his students than i initially envisioned#he chose coco and the girls WAY too often to not actually care about them more than his amnesia case#it was rocky at first but another frustratingly charming silver hair white boy has charmed me yet again#hes like if you took all the pretty of gojo and shoved it into the competent frame of kakashi#still not fully sold on the brimhats being all that unjustifiable btw#i cannot imagine a world where the current way of things gives an inch to forbidden magic#so i am all for coco going rogue and changing everything and not losing her childish compassion ever#anyways i expecy inianna to fuck shit up in t minus seven seconds you go kiddo traumatize some more tots#witch hat atelier#wha coco#agott arkrome#qifrey#olruggio#goodnight tri state area
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Ooc.; finished trigun stampede. im fine. <- lying
#i have so many thoughts tho bro#the wyrm character is my favorite little scrungly#necro speaks.;#perfect child who never did anything wrong ever#cant wait for the final phase tho#im traumatized by what my himbo husband whos coincidentily also apparently a flower (????) had to go thru#its ok i can fix him
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Stares blankly @ season 4, Well thats fake! anytways welcome to I draw five but headcannons I built up over many years. hes a menace to his siblings.
#The shirt is klaus. Five has stolen#so many clothes#I have so many headcannons now that Im just ya know ignoring most of cannon ^^#aka I want the hargreeves to be happy and for them not to fucking die cause apparently they are too traumatized to live.#Is that TO MUCH TO ASK#anyways I guess I should loosely tag#tua season 4#AS I *AM* Ranting in the tags#five hargreeves#tua#number five
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#sighhhhh apparently im not really over that traumatic thing that happened on christmas years ago#i was trying to ignore it bc its fine. it doesnt affect my life any more. it happened so long ago#but i was so anxious going to sleep last night and then i had some horrible dreams and i just woke up with a pit of anxiety in my stomach#im not even that anxious or panicking about the traumatic thing though. my brain just hit the panic button and i cant stop ruminating#what if it never happened. what if i made different choices. what if i *was* different bc obviously everything is my fault#(i know its not)#anyways. ignore me sorry for vague mental illness posting on a holiday#but maybe i just need to stop celebrating christmas#but i dont think it would stop just like it didnt stop when i stopped celebrating my birthday :(#smh fandom holidays would never betray me like this#ugh i need to get up bc i know seeing other ppl will help but i just want to sulk in bed all day#ill probably delete this later#vent#personal
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i read the entirety of the poppy war this week on my flights, finished it this morning, and started on the second book and i am both extremely depressed by it while also wholly unable to stop reading
#the poppy war#im emotionally wrecked and mildly traumatized but it is a v compelling story and i cannot stop reading 🤷🏻♀️#apparently i only shy away from angst in fanfic lol
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[ID from ALT: A digital drawing of my OC, Yuri, standing in front of a his wife's headstone. He is standing casually, with his back to the viewer and hand in his labcoat pocket. He is looking at the headstone with an expression of melancholy. The headstone is inscribed with his wife's name, Kyren Flauhaut, and underneath the grave is a splatter of red, reaching past Yuri's feet. End ID]
Visiting again. I never got the chance to miss you.
#Mara's Art#Yuri#Kyren#DID IT. FINISHED BEFORE JUNE ENDED#im happy with how this turned out even if it wasnt what i was going for initially. he looked too washed out with a white bg#thank you splatter pen i spent 60 seconds watching an ad for to unlock#it kinda looks like flowers. fun#kyren is yuri's politically arranged marriage wife and tjey never really liked each other#and when they were actually starting to tru to be friends War decided to start their whole thing#she died. because of reasons#it was very traumatic for him ! and is the reason he's got issues later#he's really protective of xena (his only remaining family) because of it 👍#urgh tumblr compression really killed me on this one apparently
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oh…………
#v reads bllk#kaisers backstory#guys I'm on the first panel and I'm sick to my stomach#hello...#I wasn't serious when I said I expected his backstory to be totally heartbreaking because of the way people talk about it 😭#apparently it is#I'm traumatized with the first panel cause; what's going on here#ok im gonna keep reading#it was so sudden I had to take a pause
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Hello 👀 I may or may not be back to the land of the living writers. I just need to figure out one thing:
My current WIP is a 3rd POV Durge/Gale multichapter. Also considering a spin off where it becomes Durge/Gortash. Men with obsessive levels of ambition make Durge's knees buckle, what can I say.
#if people could kindly reblog<3 trying to get a feel for things. itll obviously be biased towards tumblr but still.#also if there are any loyal ACOTAR fans left out here: i promise I am working on BoP still. im apparently R.R. Martin coded i guess#i just burned myself out way too much last year. I love the reader but shes one traumatized bitch and i didnt have any angst left in me#cryptid talks#(i still consider myself on hiatus)#bg3#baldurs gate 3#bg3 tav
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...
#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
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gnashes teeth quietly
#tbd#i dont want to get into it but i want to get into it#i know its mal's story#but like#im also on the side of the kid who has also lost everything and been brutally traumatized through the past few updates#and i think it would have just been nice. considering the nature of his curse.#and poetic for the entire story as well#instead he gets constant reminders that he's not what's most important; his existence is tied to brutal tragedy#which mal still doesn't know apparently!!#and i just think.#he needs some affirmation#gets kicked off my soapbox#twst spoilers
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AyyaiYAI, I've been worried that the looming arrival of Adult Melissa is going to kick off Crazy Lesbian Activity (derogatory), but it seems that Tai is formally losing her fucking grip & really got that covered this season, so maybe she'll be normal (well, as normal as any of these maladjusted gorlies are) lmao
#apparently hillary swank is meant to appear this season & word on GrAYpevine is that it's adult melissa#which I'm not going to speak the myriad of theories (mostly bad) but im intrigued#bc also tbh i think the show is doing what its done every season: strange things happen#that are eventually revealed to be innocuous but by then the gals have spiraled into creating actually bad circumstances lol#i mean dgmw currently it seems like shauna is being stalked (by someone who isnt lottie) but also remember how that turned out in s1?#endless possibilities when it comes to these deeply traumatized women who have not sought actual healing in 30 years!#yellowjackets#yellowjackets spoilers#dani talks about tv#smh poor ben. i foresee next episode being a Freaky One 😬#i need to rewatch the final moments of the s2 finale to remember who i theorized set the fire bc it obvs wasnt him
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the urge to go missing
#to tear everything down become a completely different and unrecognizable person then start again as somebody else#need a traumatic head injury or something to wreck my personality so bad#id like to not be myself anymore#im not really convinced i exist to anyone outside of the select few within my bubble#dont feel like a real human being . i feel like some nebulous concept which only exists as a name and nothing else#but even that aside my personality is justtttt. fine. its fine#good in small doses but apparently makes it impossible to make friends unless they come to me first#and they wont come because they do not care enough to do so. or because im meant to do the reaching out but cant because i need a invitatio#i cant reach out i dont know how to. im awkward im boring i have nothing of interest to ask or say#people only like the idea of me#im not nearly interesting enough in reality
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