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neoraso · 4 years

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royal guard!minho

requested | some gender neutral hc for how he starts to wish he was maybe more than just a guard to you

to put things lightly, minho was the ace of your entire guard

like he was better than anyone …at everything

so originally he was on (your father) the king’s immediate guard

he was nothing but professional and saved the king too many times to count even from like stepping on rocks idk

when you turned like 17 and had to do more public appearances obv u were in a lot more danger so ur father jumped at having minho reassigned to u as the head of your personal guard “nothing but the best for his child”

the first time you met him… he only nodded or said yes or no to everything u asked him n ur jus like ok not much of a talker that’s not so bad ig haha ʕʘ‿ʘʔ

he was so quiet and “polite” for months despite you constantly trying to get something out of him

ur other guards always tried not to laugh bc if only u knew he had like two friends and was generally a pretty serious guy

but one day there was a festival in your kingdom’s central city so obv you had to make an appearance which u were very excited abt bc you only get to go into town like twice a year and THIS was one of those times

being “of age” and that much closer to taking the throne you might as well have painted a big red target on your head to signal people against the throne

everything was going fine, everyone was having fun and you decided to visit some of the booths and musicians around the square

minho was already suspicious of the situation and tightens the rest of your guard without u evenn rlly noticing but like

just as you turned to show these cute little candies to minho to maybe get a reaction for once -

the second he looks at you, someone moves to grab you but the flash of a knife in his other hand causes minho to jump immediately into action

honestly who knows what rlly happened minho moved so damn fast but the next thing you know, ur in the middle of your whole guard squad

looking through the gaps of their shoulders you see minho pinning down your assailant with a blade against his neck waiting for someone to arrest him even though he rlly wanted to just execute the guy right there

the festivities were kind of killed for u after that bc you and your family were rushed back home which u might’ve been more sad abt if u werent in so much shock :<

obv minho was the one to escort you back but like all he said was “you’re okay?” and after u dumbly nodded with wide eyes he walked with you but kept a hand around your shoulder

no one really talked after that which wasn’t unusual for him but in his mind he was rlly like

“?? ok i know its literally my job to protect this family but?? hm whyyyy do i seem to care sm more rnnn??//?” help him sdhskjd

u just looked so shaken up and disappointed and suddenly he was like damn </3 they rlly have no fun in their life and this one time they could was ruined :///

u had to stay inside for weeks after that bc it turns out there was a whole conspiracy to “eliminate” your family line so you waited in safety until the criminals were “taken care of”

minho had everything triple checked around the castle for your safety and secretly made sure you had extra treats and warm drinks sent to your room sometimes with little notes that he had the cook pretend to have sent because lately he’d heard you had trouble sleeping sometimes he’s shy boy aw

he started to realize how much he had gotten used to your smile and your little jokes and the way you sometimes tripped on the corners of rugs. and he thought maybe it was a good thing you guys didnt have many interactions lately because he was way too attached

you on the other hand, couldnt even rlly complain about having to stay inside so much bc you had everything you needed and- you knew it was for ur safety but- it wassss kind of suffocating at times

u tried sneaking out at first ((just to the garden!!)) which obviously was a bad idea bc it’s impossible to get past minhos fcking hawk eyes lmao

he STILL didnt say anything like he would just follow right behind you

n like u kinda huffed but whatever honestly at least it was just him and not 15 other guards like everyone acted like you needed

plus it was somewhat comforting to have someone so solid around even if he never talked smh

one night you sat near the little pond and tried to calm your mind by watching how the moonlight rippled in the water

you can feel him behind you so u just turn around and look at him ignoring how he was already looking at you

“would you at least sit with me?”

he kind of hesitates bc …what if someone tried to come up behind you? but with the sad look on your face he cant help but give in and sits on the stone bench at the opposite end of you

it becomes actually somewhat peaceful until you just decide to ask everything you’ve been wondering n u just blurt out-

“would it kill you to talk with me once in a while? i mean, talk like a normal person and not a machine? i dont bite i promise..”

he furrows his brow bc he’s shocked you cared at all and also he doesnt rlly know how to respond without being like “its not really in my job description to make conversation” but he honestly just thought you were being talkative out of niceties.

before he could even form a sentence you continued,

“i mean- i’m always trying to get your attention. i dont get to meet many people for obvious reasons but my guards are the closest people to me-literally, and i dont want there to be a big gap between us just because of my status..”

he cuts you off before you ramble yourself to death

“i didn’t know you were this troubled by it… i just take my job very seriously and i dont want to risk anyone’s safety for the sake of conversation”

u almost roll ur eyes but not wanting to be rude ur just like “even at home? i know you’re serious about your duties, believe me, i just… i get lonely.”

smthing inside him literally breakkkssss when you say that like u are such a pure and sweet person that deserves to have all the love and friends and fun in the world so he just gets quiet for a second and looks down

“im sorry.” he said it so softly you almost didnt hear him “i’ll be there for you more- if thats what you need. im essentially in charge of your safety and care and i’ll do anything to fulfill that responsibility.”

ok.

well this was good right? so why did you still feel unsatisfied?

“i dont want to just be a responsibility, cant we just be like friends? or…”

you cut yourself off before talking too much again

you had to admit to yourself you had developed a bit of a liking for minho, not just because he was probably the most handsome person in your kingdom, not even just because he saved your life, but he had really been a pillar of security in your life and you respected his loyalty and ambition.

he was more than admirable and everything you wanted as a standard for your kingdom

sometimes you let your mind wander to him getting on one knee and leading alongside you..

no, now youre getting sidetracked and delusional and he can practically hear the gears turning in your head so he stands up and reaches his hand out for you to grab

“of course you’re more than a responsibility to me, come on, lets go inside it’s getting cold.’

taking his hand and realizing the conversation was over, you moved to link arms instead as he walked you all the way to your bedroom door

u slept a lot better that night

from that point on you could not get rid of minho

like everyone was borderline uncomfortable with how jarring his change in attitude was

like he was constantly behind you looking right over your shoulder or grabbing your arm to stop you from bumping into things

even when he wasnt technically on duty he had taken it upon himself to give you little lessons in archery and even some defensive moves to help you protect yourself in case someone wasnt fast enough to help you

your tried not to get flustered every time he adjusted your form and the way you could feel his breath behind your ear

or the head pats when he walked you to your room at night

or his hand on your back when you guys would take walks in the garden

honestly it did not take long until one night you were sat next to your pond and after some comfortable small talk you noticed how close his face was to yours

but he noticed you didn’t pull away even as he leaned in closer and finally just kissed you

when he pulled away and saw your eyes still closed and how soft you looked his heart almost exploded

“i didnt mean to make things weird i just,, couldnt help myself, sorry”

his rushed confession pulls you out of your daze and you’re so happy (a little shocked) but you’re quick to reassure him

“it’s ok, i’ve been wanting you to do that for a while …”

he’s jus like “rlly?😳”

obviously this complicates things a lot and you aren’t really sure if you would even be allowed to have a relationship with minho bc of ur position

or if he would get in trouble for breaking the rules of attachment to u

all of this is kind of racing thru both of ur minds as you look at each other but you laugh after u both start talking at the same time

you prod him to go first so he grabs your hands and says like

“look i care about you a lot, and i know we’re not really supposed to be doing this but if i can be by your side … beyond my duties…i would really love to. but if we can’t, i can survive with just being here to protect and serve you in anyway i can”

he’s so honest and genuine and earnest it shocked u a little

even tho you were uncertain abt the situation as well you knew you had grown a little too fond and dependent on minho that you would do anything to make it work

luckily an arranged marriage was not required for you so that wasnt really the issue, but falling in love with someone not at all royal..? it was a daunting thought how the idea would be perceived

you wouldnt have said anything if you both weren’t completely sure of your feelings; but you really could not imagine being content or safe spending your life with anyone else so you mustered up the courage to ask the king and queen…

when you brought it up to your parents they looked pretty concerned

minho went on the whole “i’ll do anything to protect them and this kingdom” speech and your father just waved him off and was like

“i know u would …. i’ll allow it because there’s really no one better to represent the kingdom and because i want only the best for my child ;)”

u and minho were literally in shock but just quietly said thank u and left the room

when you had privacy he immediately pulled you in for a kiss (maybe several all over ur face)

you had a lot to figure out and many responsibilities but now you had an amazing person by your side to help you through it :.) <3

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ddarker-dreams · 5 years

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Can I request head-cannons for Dabi, Shigaraki and Overhaul when their Darling escapes and ends up at an old friends house? Like the friend and the Darling had feelings for each other but never new until now and the Yandere finds them kissing? Idk lol just an idea. Sorry for wasting your time.

i found this idea so interesting that i went ahead and wrote mini scenarios for it!! yall get to watch shin suffer three different times LMAOO

click here to check out my commissions !

TW: for death, torture, mutilation

Shigaraki:

Comfort and security have been rare in your life for the past few hellish months. Even now, as you sit with a blanket wrapped around your shivering frame; you can’t relish in your small victory over Shigaraki. It’s only been a matter of hours since you managed to escape him, and you can only imagine how desperately he’s searching.

“[First], are you sure we shouldn’t go to the police?” Shin eyes you with concern, his lips frowning at your shivering form. Shaking your head, you take a sip of the tea he had given you earlier. The bitter flavor brings you no comfort, but the scorching warmth steels you in reality.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry, I really don’t know,” you murmur to your friend, who takes a seat next to you on the couch. “I just need to… I need to get a hold of myself first. I can’t think straight.”

Shin offers a reassuring smile, his hand reaching out. You flinch slightly as he places it on top of your free hand, being mindful of your fearful form. The pad of his thumb soothingly rubs circles into your skin, temporarily taking your mind off everything.

“I was surprised when you came to me,” Shin confesses, scratching the back of his neck. “I’m sorry if I’m being out of line. I’m just glad you thought of me. That you know that you can rely on me.”

Your breath hitches, and you look away from his face. The blush lining his cheeks says it all; but you’re unsure of what to do with it. Before Shigaraki had come into your life, Shin had been someone you adored wholeheartedly. His charisma and friendliness attracted you, he was someone that was always so well put together.

“T-thank you again for helping me.”

All you’re able to offer is your genuine gratitude. At this, Shin shifts in his seat.

“Of course,” Shin graciously accepts your words, moving closer to you. Your eyes widen when soft fingers delicately touch your chin, prompting you to look at him. “I would do anything for you.”

“Shin–”

His lips softly press against your own, muffling the squeak you let out. Apart of you feels uncertain of what to make of this, but the other part doesn’t care anymore. Why should you deny yourself any comfort you could get after the nightmares you’ve endured?

Fluttering your eyes shut, you shyly return the affection being bestowed upon you. For a few blissful seconds, your mind is relieved of your previous woes.

That is, until you hear a crumbling noise in the direction of Shin’s apartment entrance.

Pulling back at the alarming noise, Shin furrows his eyebrows at a figure that makes your blood freeze.

“Hey, who the fuck do you think you are?” Shin goes to stand from his position next to you, only for you to put your arm out in front of him. Bloodshot eyes look from your form to Shin’s, Shigaraki’s form hunched over. You hear his labored breathing, as he stalks towards the couch with a sense of urgency.

At this point, a part of you knows there’s nothing you can say to convince Shigaraki to stop what he’s doing, but it’s not enough to stop you from trying.

“Shigaraki, please, don’t do anything–!”

It’s too late.

His hand extends out towards Shin’s, wrapping viciously around the young male’s neck. Before Shin could even let out a scream at the sensation of being chocked, his skin turns an inhumanly gray pigment. Shrieking in horror, you spring up from your position as Shin’s body turns to a pile of dust.

“N-no…” your voice is weak, eyes blurred by tears.

Shigaraki turns his head towards you, pupils dilated and chest heaving. He watches as you press your knees to your chest, bottom lip quivering from anxiety.

“Come,” Shigaraki beckons, voice devoid of any humanity. “I’m tired of this little side quest.”

Dabi:

“Got room for one more?”

The intrusive, lighthearted words are accompanied by a grin that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Dabi begins snickering as you instinctively pull back from Shin, eyes wide as saucers. Shin grimaces in disgust at Dabi, immediately putting two and two together.

“So you must be the fucker who’s been harasser her,” Shin growls, reaching into his pocket to reveal a switchblade. “Get the fuck out, or I’ll call the police.”

The small blade gleams threateningly, pointed in an accusatory stance towards Dabi. Dabi’s hands remain in his pockets, not even so much as blinking at the threat presented before him. He all but ignores it, preferring to look over at your shaking form.

“You gave me quite a shock, doll. I didn’t think you had it in you,” Dabi tilts his head, voice lowering with intent. “But enough’s enough. Come right over here princess, and I’ll give some thought to forgiving you.”

After the time you’ve spent with Dabi, you’ve been able to pick up on the subtlest of nuances in his body language. To the untrained eye somewhat might mistake Dabi’s disposition for carefree, but you know better. He’s toying with you purposefully – there’s a concealed fury in his eyes from your string of betrayals.

His patience with you is gone.

“A-alright,” you pathetically concede, eyes stinging with tears. On unsteady legs you stand up, earning a look of confusion from Shin. “I’ll do what you say. But please don’t hurt him. I-I dragged him into this, he has nothing to do with it.”

The pleading tone doesn’t garner a strong reaction, Dabi instead shrugging his shoulders at your heartfelt request.

He waves off your feeble concern, “Sorry to say sweetheart, but you’re in no position to be making demands of me.”

“I’ve heard enough of this!” Shin abruptly stands up, firmly steeling himself next to you. Dabi’s eyes follow his every movement carefully, undoubtedly assessing if you’ll get caught up in a blast of fire from his quirk. In a protective reflex, you fling yourself in front of Shin; arms reaching out on each side.

Dabi clicks his tongue at your interference. “What a bad girl you’ve been.”

With that, he suddenly charges forward, your eyes barely processing the events unfolding in front of you. Dabi moves to your left abruptly, causing you to swirl on your heels. Before Shin has the chance to plunge his knife forward, Dabi’s hands grab Shin’s shoulder and wrist respectively.

A sickening snap reverberates in the air, accompanied by a hellish scream of pain. What is most likely to be Shin’s ulna erupts from the skin of his forearm, blood gushing out alongside it. Shin drops to the ground, clutching his mutilated arm while tears leave his eyes.

A string of curses leave his lips, but Dabi responds by kicking him onto his back. Jaw agape, you lunge forward to assist your friend; only for Dabi’s hand to grip harshly onto your wrist. Hissing at the pressure, you twist your wrist around in hopes of freeing yourself. The movement only serves to bring you greater pain, so you stop momentarily.

Shin’s cries continue on in the background as Dabi forcefully shoots you a chilling smile. The hand that isn’t holding yours flickers with blue flames, revealing Dabi’s malicious intentions.

“I didn’t realize you’d be so eager to watch. Let’s see, what part of him should I break next? If you tell me, I’ll put ‘im out of his misery faster,” Dabi offers, making certain you had a front seat to the events that were about to unfold. “Probably, that is.”

Overhaul:

“Please stop! This isn’t right, he has nothing to do with this!”

Cold amber eyes glare through your soul, showing no sign of softening with compassion at your incessant begging. Kai’s lifeless gaze moves from you to your struggling companion, who currently has his arms twisted behind his back by Kurono.

“What should we do with him, boss?”

“If I recall correctly,” Kai begins, stepping forward to minimize the distance between himself and Shin. “One of our subjects recently passed from the stress of testing. This one will serve as a replacement.”

“Go… to hell, you... monster,” Shin wheezes out, struggling to lift his bruised face to meet Kai’s stony stare. “[First] will always hate you.”

The room goes silent, save for Shin’s labored breathing and your own rapidly beating heart. All the struggling in the world isn’t enough to remove you from Mimic’s tight grip, but it’s not enough to stop you from trying. The sudden emergence of the Shie Hassaikai was hell on earth, but one you were eventually expecting.

Kai had acted faster than you thought he would, finding you after your escape in only a few hours. With his expansive number of contacts and manpower all it took was a few phone calls and orders, and here they were.

Kai’s exchanged no words with you, ever since he and his subordinates walked in on Shin kissing you. You can’t begin to comprehend the volume of his vexation towards you, but whatever he’s feeling he’s keen on not showing it.

You wince at Shin’s words, realizing that the combination would make his fate even more painful than it would’ve been before. Kai suddenly holds one of his gloved hands up, in the direction a few other subordinates were standing.

“Knife.”

The order is simple and to the point, and a masked individual brings him the item he requests. With the glistening weapon in hand, Kai moves it closer to Shin’s face. Before you can even let out a scream, Kai begins to steadily move the sharp end of the knife against the skin of Shin’s lower lip.

A bloodcurdling shriek leaves him, as he desperately struggles against Kurono to no avail. Kurono moves a hand to steady his face, effectively allowing for Kai to continue with the task he had started. As Kai continues his cruel task of flaying the skin off Shin’s lips, all you can think to do is close your eyes and pray it’ll all be over soon.

There’s not much more you can take of this nightmare.

A few more excruciatingly slow seconds pass, before Kai moves back, scrunching his nose at a drop of blood that marred his white gloves.

“Filthy,” Kai murmurs underneath his breath, a frown set on his face. “Treat him before he goes into shock. I don’t want him dying anytime soon.”

For the first time in a while, Kai’s attention returns back to you. Noting the puffiness of your eyes, it’s difficult to mask the irritation he feels at your compassion for this cesspool of trash. He begins to walk towards the door, you being prompted to follow suit alongside the other members of the Shie Hassaikai.

“We’ll discuss your punishment in detail later.”

All you can do is nod, feeling numb to the world as you return back to your hell.

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vexew · 7 years

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i got tagged by @denkii-kun

1.) Nicknames: i have one friend who calls me stuffy (based on the username i used to use) and a few family members call me hay-hay occasionally but for the most part everyone just uses my name

2.) Gender: nonbinary probably

3.) Star sign: virgo??? probably

4.) Height: 5′5,,, probably. im not actually sure

5.) Time: 11:40 pm

6.) Birthday: august 23

7.) Favorite bands: i dont really have one

8.) Favorite solo artists: don't have one

9.) Song stuck in head: none rn

10.) Last movie watched: i just saw wonder woman

11.) Last show watched: bnha maybe?? or gravity falls?? idk

12.) When did you create this blog? idk

13.) What do I post? reblogging jake’s art: the blog mostly just reblogging whatever bullshit i see on my dash??? but besides that just fandom art and like,,, idk

14.) Last thing I Googled: starsign calculator to try and answer the star sign question at the beginning of this lol

15.) Do you have other blogs: ye @hexew @nixew and a couple saved urls

16.) Do you get asks?: ive only ever gotten one (1) ask in my life

17.) Why did you choose your Url: i wanted to change it from my old one, and i wanted something short and easy to remember and i decided to take either "nix" or "vex" and add an "ew" to the end of it. so i wound up with vexew as my main nixew as a side and later changed hexew to my art blog url. i didn't actually put a lot of thought into it i just typed a couple variations of what I wanted until tumblr let me use one of them

18.) Following: 396

19.) Followers: 104

20.) Favorite colors: i rly like,, purples and pinks and reds and blues,,, and teals and greens. rainbows

21.) Average hours of sleep: 5-10, usually around 8 or 9

22.) Lucky number: nah

23.) Instruments: none

24.) What am i wearing: tank top,,,pajama pants and super cute kitty socks

25.) How many blankets i sleep with: god i would give anything to be able to sleep with a big comfy blanket but my house is always too hot to use more than just a sheet and im dying

26.) Dream job: sign language interpreter

27.) Dream trip: idk im not one for travel so i havent rlly thought abt it? or i did think about it a bit when i was younger bc i have a grandma who wanted to take her grandkids on dream trips but after my sister’s trip i think shed gotten too old to rlly do it and i wasnt sure where i wanted to go so we just went to another state to see alpacas and do like,, idk it was some type of grandparent grandkid thing but the only part of the trip i remember was petting alpacas and choking on spaghetti

28.) Favorite food: pretty much any type of chicken is good in my books

29.) Nationality: american

30.) Favorite song now: uh??? i dont know

i tag: whoever wants to do it i guess! go 4 it

#im uncertain about most of these and i know nothing about myself so this probably tells you Nothing abt me #but??? oh well that was fun i guess #about me

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orionunfathomable · 3 years

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orion and mental health

so i typically post here when i have some sort of like, idea or concept i want to talk about and make evident to my 2 or so followers but i think i regularly work with this like. misunderstanding of how vague most of these posts come across

Orion Unfathomable is a world and narrative i’ve been building for the better part of 7 years now. its been a really interesting adventure. i started writing this as an extremely depressed teenager who was finding a way to like, explore concepts and find distractions from life. its a very different mindset than i feel im in now - an adult with significantly different circumstances

orion has been a very internal thing for me. i’ve only ever written the first few chapters, alongside small excerpts and anecdotes from history and worldbuilding since. orion was originally being done in small snippets between classes and at night between chatting with friends on steam and playing games. then came college - which was NOT conducive to writing a book (funny right), as well as like, a lot more mental health struggles

its interesting to me bc i find that i felt like i was significantly less mentally ill in college than i was in high school (honestly probably more about ability to deal with it as versus like. actual differences). however one of the things i think i came to terms with more is that ive dealt with like, LONGFORM executive dysfunction.

i don’t wanna like write some long excerpt on how its affected me over my entire life but rest assured - its been a major problem but ive really only recently considered like, that it wasnt some inherent flaw i had as a person. kind of fucked but you know: mental illness

i guess this is all to say: ive been reminiscing recently about writing orion. i have a full time job now that like pays me well and has benefits, and ive been finding myself with small bits of time where i can just sit and write. and i actually have been! its small bits of writing, and nothing finalized, but it is making me feel like i could potentially make a bit of progress

ive also actually been considering story progression and new developments as well. i feel like ive actually had a few moments where i improved on something ive genuinely wanted to get past for a number of years. i cant say for certain where this may take me, but i wanted to be forthcoming about some of my internal process to maybe explain a bit of why its been such a fragmentary process over the last like 5 years

but yeah. perhaps in the future if i get writing done i’ll release it here. ive been considering just compiling writing until i have substantial enough pieces to actually exist (like arcs, as versus the first chapter or two of something lmao), but again: uncertain. we shall see...

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datingdonovan · 4 years

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This is not Stozier related, I know but what're you thoughts on Kaspbrough?

hmmmmm i feel like in fics its always presented as like eddie & bill were each others’ firsts..... i feel like in the circles i run in (wow i sound so pretentious this is literally the gay clown movie fandom like shut up cece) theres especially an emphasis on like how eddie used to/does (depending on headcanon/fic timeline) have a hardcore crush on bill (but i mean...... everyone has a hardcore crush on bill....... including me lol). like i think when i first encountered this idea i was a very firm reddie/stenbrough shipper and this kinda weirded me out but i’ve never really gone back and decided that i’d like to read it??? when i think about it as the flipside of stozier and as sort of the one that people point to as an obvious first relationship/crush for bill & eddie i think of it as very soft and calm and friendly and in that way im like i feel like its sort of a given, they click, they’re both quieter and softer around each other and its definitely not as chaotic. tbh that might be bc i think of it as a sorta antithesis to stozier bc it seems like in fics usually if richie/stan get together then it seems like bill/eddie must lol. or theres like a bill/eddie/mike triangle in a lot of fics. anywho i feel like thats very biased toward stozier and sorta writing bill and eddie off as the boring soft ones which really isnt tru like theyre both very bold and intense and have a lot of heart in their own ways but ive honestly never read a kaspbrough fic so maybe im not authorized to comment. also like i made a post ab this the other day but bill & eddie are the 2 losers i personally feel like remind me most of myself (or maybe the ones i just wish i were lol???) probably so like, that’s also a reason for me to write them off as not very edgy or not very cool or boring etc lol. but honestly yeah they feel wholesome and i think they like, do the right thing and theyre noble and honorable and theyre very family oriented and caring and firm and bold in loving each other and others actually. now im thinking of myself dating myself and all the reddie & stenbrough fics ive read and im like man kaspbrough must be like so much nervousness to actually admit it but then once they do its so much comfort. (or possibly no admission. maybe its just there and unacknowledged and i’d follow you to the ends of the earth and then its just there and yeah, ofc we’re dating , duh). also while writing this i thought of why dont we have band bill and manager eddie fics??? do thos e exist??? lets write them lol... im sure theres a lot of sports fics where eddie is track and bill is something else...... now thats reminding me of my own headcanons about a stenbrough rowing scenario omg ask me ab that and i’ll physically die.

but anyways after i read a bunch of stozier i actually became quite interested in bichie but havent had time to go read it or check it out. referring to my other post ab big personalities at first i thought bichie would be like the two big personalities encountering each other which would be a fun dynamic but the more i thought the more i was like are they really the two big personalities??? maybe yes maybe no and who would be the more dominant personality in that relationship now THATS a question for SURE. anyway i know nothing ab bichie either but im much more intrigued by that than kaspbrough. probably bc frat bros richie and bill (but like ESPECIALLY FRAT BRO BILL OK YOU REALLY DONT UNDERSTAND) have big soft spot in my heart and the two of them.... falling in love..... together in a frat...... i would pay money to see that fic done right.

also im sorry i literally write essay s in response to ur qs im just idk im one of those ppl who is pretty uncertain and wants more info a lot of the time b4 i commit to an opinion and i feel like i am always flipflopping between ships im interested in within this fandom so i always have to say oh wait i dont want to make any hard and fast judgements but i still want to give all of my half formed opinions lol. oh ps while thinking ab these im pretty much also always referring to one of my fave posts which is the “it ships written aesthetics” post which i for some reason can’t find rn. its a great post and i feel like i saw that when i first joined the fandom and now like even tho i dont agree with it all i do reference and think ab it a lot LOL

ok essay done

#kaspbrough #stozier anons #ask #anon #eddie kaspbrak #eddie #it #bill denbrough #bill

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trappingguy · 5 years

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Rules!

1. Themes will vary with this blog. Mystery Incorporated is PRETTY dark at times, so it’ll be what you expect there. To that end, dark themes, violence and maybe swearing.

I will try my best to tag everything. These will be under the format of swearing tw. If you’d like me to tag anything specific, don’t hesitate to ask through anon / inbox / im!

I don’t have any triggers but I do ask you tag all of your NSFW (sexual) content.

Mun is of age, and as such I won’t be writing anything of the sexual nature with minors.

2. I’m private, which means I only write with mutuals (this is for my own sanity / comfort; everyone’s cool!). I’ll write with canon, oc, and crossover characters.

Although I’m private, when it comes to following people, I’m selective. We don’t have to have known each other prior to write!

As for following back, I usually take a week tops to do so - but if you’ve hit up my promo, I go through that eventually.

If it’s a crossover, I have to know the fandom and be at least a little bit confident with it. This is so I’m able to work with you, our thread and have muse for it.

I follow the tag #trappingguy. If there’s anything you want me to see, like dash commentary, just tag that and x-kit will alert me of your post! I may respond to ic stuff ic stuff if I’m feeling it.

In that sense, I’m chill with dash shenanigans with most folk, not just mutuals!

Absolutely no godmodding. It ain’t fun, fam. If you’re not sure what this term means, do look it up. This includes powerplaying, metagaming, and other things of that nature. This applies especially in fights if they happen (I’m chance-based and hope that you are too).

I can be picky with OCs. But rest assured, if you’ve followed me/interacted with my promo, I’ll always give your pages a read.

Please don’t be offended if I don’t want to interact with you (and please don’t try to guilt me into doing so!).

I DON’T CARE ABOUT AESTHETICS. I just think they’re pretty. If you don’t use formatting or anything like that, or heck - even wanna’ just do iconless rp - I have no problem with it whatsoever! It’s you, your writing and your muse I care about!

3. Please don’t rush me for starters or responses.

PLEASE understand that I have blogs galore and my muse tends to fluctuate; this can mean I’m everywhere at once and can end up neglecting a blog or two. It’s nothing personal; you know how muses are!

I have a full-time job (and I’m trying to get into screenwriting in my off-time) so sometimes I’m scrapped for time or exhausted. I’m also an introvert who deals with anxiety and depression, thus that may affect how much / how often I roleplay. If I don’t get chance to respond to anything ic or ooc, it’s nothing personal! Promise!

Chances are, I’ve probably has seen that bit of interactivity and just haven’t gotten around to responding yet.

My roleplaying style being para/multi-para, I may take a while to respond. I hoard drafts like a dragon - it’s really just the motivation to write and ship those out.

I hoard asks, but sometimes can’t find muse or interest for all of them. If it’s been a month or two, generally assume I’m not interested / can’t find muse for it. You’re free to send another though!

I answer asks from anyone - personals, rp blogs and anons. I’ll answer non-mutual asks occaisonally but I won’t be making threads out of them

4. Shippings? If they’re of similar age, sure!

If I don’t happen to be interested, don’t force anything on my character.

I do not ship incestuous ships. Do NOT follow/interact if you do.

The ship has to have chemistry; I’m generally shipping trash, but if they don’t click, they don’t click, sorry.

This is a multi-ship blog, meaning there will be more than one ship without them conflicting with eachother.

If you want to ship and I already have a ship of your choosing going with a duplicate, please don’t hesitate to hmu! My ships aren’t exclusive and each character/relationship portrayal is unique to me!

Relationships are eternal until you deem otherwise. If you’re not interested in a ship anymore, just let me know!

5. Whilst I am of age, I’m not aiming for sexual content on this blog (and will not be dealing with fetishes). The occasional joke is fine, but anything beyond that makes me uncomfortable, and I typically don’t recommend pulling it with my character if you’re interacting with me.

6. About reblogs…

I am not a meme source, and reblogs clog up my activity. Please reblog any memes you find on this blog from their SOURCE. The exception to this rule is if there is no source; go ahead.

I don’t feel comfortable with Personals reblogging my IC or OOC posts, so please don’t do that. If I put something in the fandom tags for whatever reason (bar promos), you’re free to, though.

This goes for my art too unless it has the tag ok to rb, but otherwise only the person I drew it for can reblog it. If you wanna’ reblog something, I DO put it on my art blog eventually!

A few times is fine, as it happens, but repeatedly breaking these rules will result in me soft blocking you.

I try to participate in reblog karma as much as I can, but always reblog from the source/a meme source.

If a post or ask is for you, you’re free to reblog it to save it though - but only if you’re an rp blog!

7. I’m a para / multi-para blog, novella if I’m adventurous and have time. Whilst I may roleplay crack threads with shorter responses, this does not apply to all threads I write. This means:

I write my replies as detailed as I can muster, and length can range from 1 paragraph to 6.

Short responses (such as one-liners) in more serious threads where I’ve written a decent deal can instantly kill my muse for that thread.

Whilst I’d prefer for partners to at least somewhat match my length, it’s entirely up to you - just try your best and make sure you give me enough to work with. ♡

If my muse happen to go nuts out of nowhere - like, overboard - don’t stress too much about matching him.

8. Threads! You can yeet asks, memes, and even starters at me if I’ve liked a call! I’ll obviously have my own you can like.

You’re free to like starter calls even if we’re not mutuals; I can check out your blog that way. I still only write starters for mutuals though.

Starter memes are the BEST way to interact me because they just yeet a prompt at my face and really help me write starters. If you see me reblog one, send one!

If you want a certain verse, lemme’ know! Otherwise, I’ll probably default to a post-canon verse.

If you want to turn an ask into a thread, go ahead!

I don’t recommend writing starters for me unless we’ve discussed something. I don’t like to leave anyone hanging.

Please don’t assume things about my muse. If you’re uncertain about things, ASK.

IMs are open to mutuals, if you want to do any in-depth plotting. I also have Discord if that’s more convenient for you!

For the moment, I’m sticking PRIMARILY to Mystery Incorporated canon with some other media sprinkled in. It’s just because Fred has a lot of media to cover and I haven’t binged his stuff yet.

9. Guidelines on mains and relationships:

If we’re mutuals and we interact a lot, you’re welcome to ask me if I’d like to be your main!

Please don’t be offended if I deny, though; I typically want to pick those I trust to be my mains as well as people I can comfortably write with.

Not limited to them! I roleplay with duplicates galore so don’t be afraid to hit me up if you want to interact!

Pre-established relationships are a-okay in my book; if you have an idea for a relationship between our muses we can work towards, hit me up! I reblog those pre-established relationship memes every so often too. Romantic relationships link back to the shipping guidelines.

Also, friendship/family/rivalry relationships are EXTREMELY valid to me - so don’t feel scared about asking for them!

10. If you have any issues, please let me know and hopefully we can resolve it!

Mun is actually super nice, so don’t be afraid to hit her up!

I am absolutely terrible with IMs and Discord. I either respond quickly or days later, depends on my mood. Social anxiety tends to interfere with this (and more recently exhaustion from work) - but honestly, if you’ve sent something, I’ve likely read it and just haven’t gotten around to it yet! It’s nothing personal; trust me!

Please leave me out of drama; I’m here to have a good time, as is everyone else, and it pains me to see people arguing.

This is a little different with callouts - if I see anything on dash pertaining to any problematic users, I will take it into consideration and rb it if I believe them to be harmful.

11. To retierate, I tend to follow those that:

Write para and whom I feel my muse would click with.

Seem chill? Tone can really intimidate me honestly.

Have rules and about pages! Knowing the boudaries of my rp partners is super important as well as their lovely muses! Sometimes rules are enough, though, if you’re going to write the about eventually.

Tag their nsfw.

Don’t have massive icons - ie, have rp icons that take up an entire text post like 500x500 or something. I don’t want to clog the dash and it’s tiring to resize them.

…also, if I follow your hub blog (provided it doesn’t double as a personal), it generally means I’m cool with any blogs that are attached to it.

12. On threads…

If you’re not interested in a thread anymore, and would like to drop it, please let me know! I’d feel terrible if we’re both not having fun with it or if partners feel overwhelmed with the amount of threads we have.

Honestly, unless I let you know, our threads have no expiry date - so no need to worry about me dropping them without telling you. I can just be quite slow sometimes.

13. Mun does not equal muse! Anything my muse might say does not reflect on how I think unless I explicitly say so.

14. Know that if I follow you, I WANT to interact with you.

I literally couldn’t care less about follower counts. I care about YOU guys and our interactions.

15. Icons.

I make all of my icons by myself, however credit for the icon shape and psd goes here and here.

16. Rules are subject to change.

Please like this post if you’ve read the rules! You don’t have to, but it’s of personal reassurance to me if you have.

#.law

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letsdiscoverkitty · 5 years

Text

CPA update (30th August 2019)

I did not plan to write this this evening but I needed to get this out somewhere.

I know I haven’t been very present online and I can only apologise for that but as you can imagine things have been quite challenging since being admitted. I had my first CPA so I thought I would make a little post to help me begin to process it/get some thoughts down....(warning: very long post ahead, snacks may be necessary, and I am sorry if it does not read well/make much sense, I literally just typed my heart out)

For those who are not sure of what one is, a CPA is basically a care plan review where your treatment team review the past few weeks/months (time since the last review) and then start to plan the next stages of your care. It is a chance for different members of your treatment to meet and make sure that everyone is on the same page. Today my CPA consisted of my consultant, one of the nursing staff from the ward, the OP ED nurse I was seeing before I came in, myself and my parents. The first half of the review was just between professionals, I was then called into the room for a discussion followed by my parents nearer the end.

It is hard to remember what I have shared online so I am sorry if some of the things I mention do not make sense but I will try to cover most of what happened. I had my ward round on Thursday (due to the bank holiday weekend just gone), in which a lot of new ideas were brought to the table as, well, no one really knows what to do with me… A week or so ago I wrote a letter to my consultant as I was beginning to worry about what the plan was for when I was discharged (as it was being implied that I was to be discharged over the next few weeks)/that my community team were not replying to any messages and that I was concerned about going back home to live at my parents house.

My main worries with returning home were mainly because it is a place where I have been unwell for many years and I find that when I go back there it is almost like anorexia snaps back without me realising it/I can’t control it. Sadly due to being unwell at home for years, I do associate home with bad things, I also do not currently have no goals or things to be working towards (i.e. I have no education to go back to, no job lined up or thought about to go back to) and the worry is that I would be going back home to just anorexia and relapsing backwards. Throw into the mix that my mum retired last week, as well as the family dynamics always being quite rocky (along with being geographically being incredibly socially isolated), I think it is fair to say that I was extremely worried about the prospect of home leave let alone moving back home permanently and with very limited outpatient support.

A long story short, my consultant agrees that going back home is likely not going to help me move on/recover/give me a chance of living a life beyond this, however she also does not believe that staying in an acute EDU will help (which I do understand). In terms of why she thinks that being on the unit for longer might not help include that my weight has not been reaching the targets that are expected, I am struggling on leave/when I get given more control, as well as the usual pitfalls of being on an EDU like being trapped around a lot of other acutely unwell people, having the identity reinforced and the lack of responsibility/it not necessarily coming from me. I floated the idea of going to live in Reading with Andi however she shot me down straight away at that stage saying that I was far too unwell for that…

Anyway, to get to the point, she wants to apply for funding for me to go into residential treatment. This is not something that I know much about, although I do know that getting funding for a place is very very hard and that there are very few places that offer it in the country….from what she explained to me it is a more holistic approach, with the focus on helping you build a life beyond anorexia whilst also supporting you nutritionally. (it sounds far too fairytale-esque for my liking…)She said that as I have had a lot of psychological input and have been under services with very few gaps over the years, that it was obvious that a new approach was needed and that this style might be that. Apparently I have incredible insight/understanding however because the anorexic neural pathways/cognitions have become so strong and rigid, I find it near impossible to force myself to follow through with the theory that I know so well.

I honestly have no idea how I feel right now. I am utterly lost and confused and don’t really know what to do with myself. I feel like no one knows what to do with me/what will help and they are just trying to get rid of me. I want to recover, I really do. My consultant said that it is not that I don’t want to or don’t have motivation, but that it is the degree of severity of the illness and the complexity of my case, which kind of helped but also left me feeling very broken and hopeless.

She tried to explain all of this to my parents today and I am actually relieved that she was able to speak to them about it as there is no way that I would have been able to approach the subject. She explained it in scientific terms and tried to be realistic about the whole process (which could likely take months to apply for funding, let alone get on the waiting list/pass assessments).

My OP team are apparently supportive of this and are going to work together with the IP team, my consultant and the therapist I was seeing as an OP to put together a proposal for the CCG. Sadly, as I have mentioned this is going to be quite a lengthy process and I don’t really know where it leaves me…If this were not being explored then I would be getting discharged to the same very minimal support that I have had over the past x years, which has not been enough in the past.

So what now? Good question. Basically I have been told that I have to “prove” to the CCG that I am not just in need of an acute EDU admission and that the funding would not be going to waste…this means that I have to show that I can maintain my weight in the community (or gain if possible) as if I were to relapse they would likely just say that I need an acute admission and refuse the funding, leaving me back at square one.

This admission was never going to be a long one, I knew that, but part of me was hoping for a bit longer…I suppose it has brought to the surface the necessity for a different approach to be explored, which I hope means something. Basically my admission can’t be extended, that has been made clear, and I now have a discharge date for two weeks time…with little to no idea of time length beyond that in regards to this talk of residential.

I honestly don’t know what to think or how to feel right now, I really don’t. Part of me thinks that they are making a big fuss over nothing and that there is no way that I will get funding as there are so many people out there with far worse scenarios than mine who need it more. At least I have a home to go to, I know there are many people who dont, so I should really just suck it up and try and do what I can at home with the support that I have.

I have no idea what the residential would entail practically but I am worried that it could end up feeding into my eating disorder even more? I know the reason for the admission would be to help me build a life beyond anorexia, but surely being stuck in a place like that almost reinforces that identity? I dont know, I am very confused about everything right now :(

Short term plan: I have an appointment set up with the ED nurse I am to see in the community for Monday morning and have been given a bit of extra leave this weekend to make it possible for me to attend. When I return to the ward on Monday afternoon I will be moving onto transition and have been promised that I will have a number of appointments with the dietitian over my last two weeks in order to create a realistic maintenance plan for when I go home (as well as trying to get my mum to attend an appointment with the two of us). I am also trying to get an appointment for my mum to come to a family therapy session (they have pretty much written off my dad as someone who can be supportive for a number of reasons which I do not want to go into right now) Being on transition hopefully will give me a bit of an opportunity to self-cater some meals and practice before I move back home for the foreseeable future.

It all feels very rushed and uncertain and I was not expecting to get this much leave this weekend so don’t really know what to do with myself but yeah I suppose this is where things are at. The ward has been quite a tricky environment so on the one hand I am glad to have some space, however Im also worried about it too.

I am sorry, I realise that this whole post probably comes across as extremely selfish and stupid - I wish I could shake myself/pull myself together and just do what I know I need to do but whywhywhy do I keep ending up back in the same place time and time again? I have tried so bloody hard over the past x years but it has never been enough….I do not want to end up being sent to a unit where I will spend months/my consultant briefly mentioned that admissions are usually between 1 and 2 years long…I really dont. but I dont know what else to do with myself when so many options have been explored. I am tired of it all, of everything. It is like I dont know where to turn anymore. Part of me feels like I am just getting palmed off from place to the next because no body knows what to do with me. sigh. I am sorry for throwing this pity party. I wish I had some more positive news to share with you all. I suppose yes I have made some progress since I was admitted. I have gained weight. I am no longer in as much danger as I was. I have had to face a lot of changes in terms of routines, eating different foods, times, I can think a little clearer, I have more concentration etc. Things are just very hard at the moment and having everything in terms of my treatment thrown up in the air like this has made me feel even more unsettled and uncertain about everything. I have no idea what the next few weeks/months may hold so for now I am going to have to continue to take each day as it comes and see where it takes me. Sorry again for the ridiculous length of this post, you genuinely deserve a gold medal if you have stuck with me through this.

#personal #tw #tw just in case #long post #I am sorry for being so rubbish and not updating or posting much #things havent been very good #and I am struggling more than I care to admit #thank you for sticking by me though #you have no idea how much it means to me #sorry if this does not make sense

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gwynbleiddyn · 5 years

Note

If you’re taking requests, maybe a little snippet about Arthur meeting a trans guy reader and befriending him?

oh this is my JAM, of course anon! hopefully this gets somewhere close to what you were after

|| REQUESTS OPEN ||

arthur & male reader / all the stolen voices

Perched at the bar, you can feel a few pairs of eyes on you from across the dingy room. Nothing unusual, you’re used to the staring - it’s gotten less, sure, but a subtle shift of posture means curious eyes catch the glint of a revolver at your hip. Most turn away after that. Those that don’t, well, they either meet the business end of your fists or a bullet if they dare to tread in your footsteps on the way out.

Tonight, though, nobody’s stare lingers and you’re grateful for it. It’s been a miserable day of hunting, the piss-poor weather making a poor show of what little tracking you can manage, and you’re left with barely a few coins to rub together for a drink to warm you up. The whiskey is unpleasant, lukewarm, tasteless by the time it hits your throat with its signature burn. It keeps you warm, though, and especially through the sodden layers of clothing you’re not about to remove anytime soon. It’s uncomfortable, but being without them is worse. The solid weight of a dark, worn leather duster on your shoulders keeps you sane most days, so the brief spells of discomfort in-between are a small price to pay.

You keep your hat pulled low and ears to the ground, listening for any sign of trouble. It’s routine. Safe and comfortable for the most part, and that’s become a valuable thing for you. Taking another sip of the forgettable whiskey, you pick up a pair of footsteps approaching. They’re slow and ambling, but not those of a drunken fool or a old man either. Someone solid - they’re not light footsteps exactly, but whoever it is seems to be actively making an effort not to stomp their way across the dirty floorboards. Cautiously, you turn your head - and your ear - closer to the sound.

“Just a beer.” A rough, low voice filters through the uproar of the evening, settling in at the bar next to you. On instinct, you tense up and pull your drink closer, dipping your head to avoid being seen.

You apparently aren’t as subtle as you hoped. “Oh, I ain’t lookin’ for trouble.”

That makes you glance up, slow and uncertain. A rough and ready looking bastard has propped himself up on the bar next to you - granted, the place is filled to the rafters and you can hardly blame him for finding a spot next to you, given as you’re probably one of the smaller folk taking up space. Managing a jerky nod in response, you make sure to get a better look at him as you settle back down at the bar, arms folded around your whiskey glass. He’s tall. He could easily loom over you and send you running, you figure, but he makes no effort to do so. Like you, he keeps his arms folded, even as the barkeep sets his drink in front of him and stomps away back to the braying fools at the other end of the bar. Everything about him is quiet and curled in, even the way his hat sits low over his eyes and the scruff at his jaw and chin hide the shape of his words.

“What?” He’s noticed your scrutiny. Shit. Heat bubbles up in your chest and spreads across your cheeks, and you bite the inside of them to keep from scowling in distaste. You always hated how easily you blushed. Gets you read like a sissy from a mile off, even if that ain’t the truth. Huffing, you shake your head and shift in your seat, pushing your voice deep into your chest before you try and speak.

“Nothin’, mister. Just keeping myself awares, is all.” You manage a half decent reply, and the man seems satisfied with that. You feel a new pair of eyes on you then, and it makes sense - your voice doesn’t match your look, or at least, you don’t think it does. He’s wondering why.

“Well like I said, no trouble.” The man relaxes a little, unfolding his arms to pull his drink closer to him. You feel yourself doing the same although you push your now-empty glass away instead. “What’s your name, kid?”

You stammer something out in a knee-jerk reaction. He doesn’t question it at all, and only gives you a nod - which you assume is meant to be an acknowledgement, maybe, but you’re really not sure. He’s hard to pin down, and you’re used to being able to read people far easier than this. It throws you off.

“Arthur.” He introduces himself bluntly, and you feel a little better for knowing his name. Arthur. It sits nicely with your hastily conjured image of him. He does look a little worse for wear, but otherwise clean and well dressed - not like the usual stock of brigands who frequent this place. Though he could be a killer for all you know, and you tell yourself that before you start letting your guard down too quickly.

“You look like you’ve been through it.” Arthur says drily after a moment of two of silence, and you glance down at yourself. Mud splatters line your trousers and your coat, there’s a dribble of blood on your boot that you hope is from some buggered hunting job, and you can feel the prickly sensation of dried dirt on your chin. Yeah. He’s not wrong.

“You could say that.” You reply tersely, pushing your voice deeper still. He doesn’t seem to notice.

“What are you? Some kind of hunter? Don’t look like a city type, don’t look much like a cold-blooded killer neither.” Arthur seems to be dropping his thoughts like pennies, and you get the impression he’s blowing through some bullshit of his own in the rambling, senseless way that lost folk seem to do. You know the feeling well. Something about that settles you, and you find yourself turning towards him a little if only to see him better.

“Sure. Why not? I ain’t much of anythin’ else, a hunter describes what I do prettily enough.” You admit, truthfully. You really are just scraping by, trying to find some way to survive without compromising yourself in the process. So far, this is the only thing that comes close.

“Huh, by yourself?” Arthur continues his aimless questioning. You’re happy enough to comply for now, so you nod, Arthur pays your way for another drink or several, and you find yourself in the company of a pleasant acquaintance instead of a stranger barely an hour later.

By the time you get up to leave, though, you’ve somehow missed the group of shady looking bastards holed up by the door with their ugly little eyes flickering back and forth to you. The steady stream of whiskey hasn’t quite dulled your senses to the point of non-functionality - that stuff is almost definitely being watered down - and your instinct kicks in as you step off your barstool, Arthur’s laugh trailing off abruptly behind you. One of the men stops talking, looking directly at you with a sneer.

“You ain’t right.” Is all he says, but it’s enough for you to snap to the draw, fingers finding the familiar revolver at your hip. That kicks up a commotion and a half, the men clustered by the door now leaping into the fray with slew of insults, all jostling to back up their slimy excuse of a leading man. You’re just about to draw when a heavy hand settles on your shoulder and begins to push you out of the commotion. Arthur’s shouts are far louder than the pathetic snivelling of the men inside, and you’re glad that you can’t hear them as you hit the cool night air, shrugging Arthur off your shoulder and making a beeline for your horse.

“Hey!” Arthur calls after you, leaving the barkeep to settle matters inside. You glance over your shoulder, still walking, trying your hardest not to let the shame bubble up into a nasty remark to a man who’s been nothing but friendly to you all evening.

“Sorry, Arthur. I think it’s time I got the hell out of here.” You say, a little unsteadily. His strides are much longer than yours though, and he catches up easily.

“They ain’t worth your time, but I guess you figured that out a long while ago.” Arthur tells you. You’ve heard the sentiment before, but hearing it from Arthur - a no-good outlaw who seems to be on the run from God knows what - makes you listen a little more. You slow up, reaching out to pat your horse, seeking familiar comfort before your emotions started getting the better of you.

“You’re right. I did.” You’ve been through this shit plenty of times before now without anybody at your back, but the sentiment is appreciated this time. “But... thank you. It was real good talking to you, Arthur.”

He seems confused for a moment, as if he isn’t expecting a thank-you, or even a kind sentiment in return. Blinking, he manages an awkward nod in your direction, and a hesitant clap on your shoulder in lieu of further rambling. You give him a warm grin before turning to swing yourself up into the saddle, wanting some peace and quiet and rest - things that you knew how to find in the wild, at least.

“Don’t go lookin’ for trouble now, you hear?” Arthur says as you pick up the reins. You manage a weak laugh, the minor rush of adrenaline from the almost-altercation beginning to make you shake.

“It usually finds me, mister. But I won’t go lookin’, I promise.” You give him a salute from the brim of your hat and as you turn away from a new friend, you sincerely hope it isn’t the last time you see him.

#arthur morgan #male reader #rdr2 #scribble request #thank you pal i enjoyed this!!#Anonymous

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fueledbysprite · 6 years

Text

Nathmarc November Day 9: Dance

oh look im alive

also rip my formatting screw you tumblr

Graduation.

They’ve all been waiting for this day for years, and yet now that it’s finally come, none of them really know how to feel about it. A strange mix of relief, regret, apprehension, and nostalgia hangs in the atmosphere, but a party is a party and they’re not going to waste their last day together as the graduating class of Collège Françoise Dupont. Tonight is the night for one last stab at making memories, before it’s all compressed, packed into a box, and shoved away to make headspace for lycée.

And making the most of it seems to be what everyone is determined to do tonight. Chloe, still on her awkward way to redemption, reserved the most luxurious hall at Le Grand Paris hotel, the effort into decoration and venue for this final night together is obvious. Nino has a mix ready for just this occasion, a playlist to highlight the interesting mixture of emotions that everyone’s going through at this point. Adrien and Marinette, the ever-iconic couple, have already initiated the couples dances, and Ivan and Mylene don’t take long to join them. Rose and Juleka are slightly more hesitant, then Kim runs to the floor with Ondine in one hand and Max in the other.

All while Nathaniel Kurtzberg and his fabulously aromantic best friend hang around by the snack bar, awkwardly watching the pairs (or, in Kim’s case, trio) dance it up on the center floor.

This is the last night, this is the last night, just one last night, Nathaniel repeats it over and over to himself under his breath, but his legs won’t move and his body is too stubborn to ask them to. They’ve been collaboration partners for goodness knows how long by now, but the exact dynamic of their relationship hangs in mid-air, not quite certain in any direction. He is an amazing friend, that part is certain, but is he more? And if he is, how much more? Nathaniel stares at the other side of the room, where the subject of his suppressed dilemma is currently engaged in conversation with Juleka’s older brother.

Marc, Nathaniel softly says his name out loud. That’s who his eyes are on tonight, and as uncertain as he’s convinced himself he is right now, the decisive voice in the back of his head is growing louder and he can’t keep denying it for much longer. No, he knows exactly what he wants tonight, what he’s been subconsciously wanting and hoping and dreaming and wishing for for months, now, but for all he is, he can’t find the right words. To be fair, he never could, not even after a childhood of growing up on comic books, he couldn’t word them himself. That’s what Marc was good at, wasn’t it? Too bad the one time he really, desperately needed Marc’s help with words was the one time he couldn’t.

Alix isn’t helping. At all. He glances over at her for support probably the umpteenth time tonight, but she’s resolutely ignoring him and instead occupying herself with taking a video of Kim’s antics on the dance floor. He already knows what she’d say even if he hadn’t driven her up a wall already with his panicked lament. She’d look him straight in the eye, draw herself up to full height, and, with a completely deadpan expression, say, “Just. Do it.” And he would go off blabbering about how badly he wanted to but just couldn’t and, well, yeah he really can’t blame Alix for resorting to giving him the cold shoulder at this point.

So he’s alone. He takes a slow sip of his shocking purple punch and cautiously chances another glance at Marc. Nathaniel sighs. Last night, last chance, final call…

***

Marc casually glances away from Luka for 0.1 seconds and immediately snaps his gaze back to the guitarist. He couldn’t be imagining it at this point, Nathaniel has definitely been watching him for the last how long had it even been now? He nods along to whatever Luka was saying, smiling with interest, but not really processing any of it. How could he, when his mind has been monopolized by someone else for at least the entirety of today. It’s his last chance to confess, last time he’ll probably ever have to tell Nath how he’s really felt towards him for the past year or so- it makes him scrunch up and hide his head in his hands just from the thought of it.

Well, to be fair, that isn’t entirely true, either. It’s not like they’re going to be attending different lycées or anything, but they aren’t taking the same courses and the chance they’ll actually be in the same class for any of them is pretty low. What Marc’s really most afraid of, even though he’s never going to ever admit to anyone in a million, bajillion years (and yes that is totally a word), is that Nath is inevitably going to end up in a much bigger fish pond than this small collège. And bigger means more people. And if someone new meets him and discovers how amazing Nathaniel really is and then start to feel towards him like Marc does- it makes his stomach twist that this thought has even occurred to him at all, and even moreso that Nathaniel really isn’t his and he has no right to feel possessive of him like this. Being able to even just be his collaboration partner, be producing the scripts to the comics whose concept art he’s only ever admired from afar, having his literal name on the literal front page of the comic books for all to see, he feels guilty for wanting more in spite of it all. Isn’t that human nature, to only ever crave more and yearn and hunger, never to be truly fulfilled? It’s not a nice feeling, but he’s wanted Nath for so, so long, and if he has a chance and loses it he doesn’t know what he’d do with himself.

And of course, the cherry on top of his anxiety, does Nath even feel the same way?

Marc doesn’t even notice himself absentmindedly picking at his nail polish, redone by Luka himself just for tonight, until Luka waves his hand in front of Marc’s face and asks him if he’s okay.

“You seem kind of out of it,” Luka says, and Marc whips his stare away from the either oblivious or now-self-conscious redhead on the opposite end of the room.

“I’m fine,” Marc assures him quickly, cheeks warming.

“Hey Luka, mind if I steal Marc for a second?” Marinette’s innocent voice comes out of nowhere and Marinette herself suddenly materializes next to Marc.

“Go right ahead,” Luka tells her, winking, and she giggles softly before dragging Marc away. Marc’s mind only strays from Nathaniel to briefly wonder what’s up between Marinette and Luka, but he doesn’t dwell on it for long at all, not when there are far more pressing matters to be addressed. Thankfully his mind zips back to the moment just in time to catch Marinette before she goes too far.

“Stop it right there,” he stops her, and she complies. “I know exactly what you’re doing and I’m not going to let you go any further.”

She looks at him in half-hearted exasperation and frustration.

“If I don’t help you get from Point A to Point B, who is?” she points out.

“I can do it myself,” he says hastily, and she raises an eyebrow that most obviously says “oh, really?”

“I can!” he repeats defensively, and Marinette laughs.

“I’m just teasing, you know that, of course. But really, are you sure you can?” she challenges, and he swallows. “See, told you! Trust me, I can help you, and I know just what to do,” she winks.

If anything, that makes him less at ease.

“No,” he refuses flatly. “I can do it myself and I’ll prove it,” he decides, reasoning that anything is better than another one of Marinette’s failed ploys.

Marinette, bless her heart, may be well-intending, but she was not very good at wingwomaning.

Which was how he ended up here, staring at the floor, heart sinking like he was walking to his own execution, breathing shallow, his mind ceasing to function but his mouth managing to move just enough to whisper words of encouragement to his pitiful self.

“Just put one...foot...in front...of another...” he mutters softly. It works. Too well, apparently, because he ends up in front of Nathaniel a lot sooner than he’d have ideally liked to.

Nathaniel looks up in surprise.

“Oh, hi, M-” But he doesn’t get to finish because Marc knows that if he doesn’t do this now, he never will again.

“Will you dance with me,” he says, voice just above a breath.

“S-sorry?” Nathaniel asks, eyes widening. Marc sets his resolve even more solid and takes a deep breath.

“Will you dance with me?” he repeats, fully aware that the mix is transitioning to the last couples song on the track. It’s now or never.

“Y-yes?” Nathaniel manages to stutter out, and Marc feels himself deflate and soar up with relief at the same time.

They’re both a little shaky walking up to the dance floor. Even more awkward trying to figure out how to go about this. Nath ultimately takes the lead, placing one of Marc’s hands on his own, Marc placing the other on the redhead’s shoulder himself. The first steps are uncomfortable as heck, but they make do, avoiding looking at each other at all cost. At some point, Nathaniel feels a sudden surge of adrenaline and breaks their hold on either to tilt Marc’s chin up, looking him right in the eye.

Their steps become smoother, almost fluid, as their bodies move without thinking, without sensing, practically floating on a fluffy cotton cloud of bliss. They’re lost in each other’s gaze for heavens knows how long, and when the song finally slows to a finale, it feels like it’s been forever in a blink. They jerk back to reality, staggering off the dance floor, nothing short of euphoria in the air. Alix is applauding, and Marinette, and Adrien and Rose and Juleka too. The others don’t seem to have noticed anything, but the world has flipped almost upside down for Marc and Nathaniel.

“So, I guess it’s a little late to ask this, but, uh...you want to be my boyfriend?” Nathaniel asks shyly, cheeks flushed with happiness.

Marc doesn’t even bother giving him a reply, instead tackling him in an embrace, kissing him on the cheek for the sake of holding back. Someday there’ll be a day for a real first kiss, but today isn’t it, and Marc doesn’t care at this point.

They’re boyfriends. They’re happy. And collège is finally over. The only reasonable thing to do tonight is celebrate the heck out of this evening. The first few lyrics of Panic! at the Disco’s Victorious float over from Nino’s DJ Booth, and party the night away they do indeed.

#nathmarc november #miraculous ladybug #nathaniel kurtzberg #marc anciel #marcnath #marcaniel #nathmarc #nathanciel #marthaniel #whtvr #im tired

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house-of-kells · 6 years

Text

A place where I am not myself.

Syntheticspacemagic | Fluff | Ikora x Shiro-4 | SFW

Ikora had always liked being alone with her thoughts. Alone on mercury when the guardian went in after Osiris and Sagira, alone when she stormed her way through the crucible, and alone when it was just her and her ghost wandering the jungles of what had once been known as Africa, when she was still a fresh guardian.

But this time was different, staring out at the traveler as it pulled itself back together, Ikora felt, for once, uncomfortable with being alone with her thoughts. she rubbed her palms over the smooth wood beneath her hands as she leaned out over the railing not unlike she had seen Zavala do so many times. the dramatic irony was not lost on her. It had been only 2 weeks since the guardian had returned from the tangled shore, informing the two remaining vanguard of Prince Uldren’s death.

Despite having been the one to send the guardian on that journey, Ikora felt no sense of relief, no satisfaction, only what she could describe as disappointment. disappointment not in the guardian, but in herself, she had gone behind Zavala’s back to OK a mission that had in the grand scheme of things, accomplished nothing. the two vanguard leaders still had not spoken.

“Ikora.” a synthesized voice behind her spoke, low and solemn. Ikora turned her head slightly, just enough to see the speaker from her peripheral vision. Shiro-4, one of Cayde’s closest friends, leaned against the wall fifteen feet from where she stood, hands folded over his chest, regarding her with his robotic eyes, and for once Ikora wished that Exos’ could display just a little more emotion. “Shiro, what are you doing here.” she responded in the same solemn tone, ordinarily she’d be more cordial, shaking his hand, all business, but today she just couldn’t muster the effort.

Shiro sported a new cloak sown from black cloth, instead of the yellow cloth he had worn originally, the cloak sported a long red stripe down its left half, as though mirroring the cloak Cayde had once worn. as he shifted his weight, Ikora caught a glint of silver at his hip, a small unassuming sidearm was strapped there.

“I came to check in, got a message from Cayde saying he had died, and left some things for me.” he shifted uncomfortably. “whole place isn’t what I expected to come back to honestly.” Ikora turned back to stare up at the traveler again. “and what were you expecting Shiro?” Shiro stood up to his full height, no longer leaning against the wall, and approached. “wasn’t expecting Cayde dead and you and Zavala giving each other the cold shoulder, that’s for sure.” he gestured to the railing next to her. “May I?” Ikora waved her hand in a dismissive gesture, and he mimicked her position, hands placed on the railing, only his eyes weren’t on the traveler.

Ikora held the silence for a few long moments, cherishing it, before snapping it in her hands. “I never intended it to be like this.” she said, lowering her eyes to the city. “I’m assuming you mean the guardian skipping off to the shore to do the deed.” Shiro quipped. Ikora nodded in confirmation, honestly Shiro would have made a fine hidden had he been a warlock, his skills of perception almost beyond reason. “I thought it would bring...” Ikora paused searching for a phrase to convey what she felt, in truth she had no idea what she had ‘thought it would bring’.

Once again Shiro came to her rescue. “you thought it would help things make sense, like how it used to be. you thought it would drive Zavala onto your path. you thought it would bring resolution to Cayde’s death.” again he had hit the nail on the head, but Ikora made no move to confirm his guess. “I feel as though your words are wasted on me Shiro, why are you here exactly?” the exo shifted a bit, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. “ah, well, you see...” he shrugged. “when Andal died, there was this restaurant I brought Cayde to, down in the city, it was sort of a place away from places, if you get what I mean.” she didn’t. “No I don’t I’m afraid.” Shiro sighed, rubbing the back of his head. “Cayde eventually ended up calling it ‘the place where I can be not myself’, its sort of a place where you don’t have to be a guardian for a while. you’re a guardian, but not there. you’re a soldier, but not there. you’re a civilian, a titan, a warlock, a hunter. but not there.”

Ikora finally looked over to the hunter, the barest hint of a smile gracing her face, the thought of a place where she could think things over not as the vanguard, not as a guardian, not as a scholar, but as herself, as Ikora, seemed oddly cathartic.

“you know Shiro, I think I would like that.” she said, keeping her eyes on the traveler. the hunter nodded. “I’ll get it set up, and ping you the coordinates tonight, wear something nice.” he looked down at her robes. “and uh, not that sort of nice, like, normal nice.” Ikora didn’t understand but nodded along anyway. “Great.” Shiro said, rising up again to his full height “just look, not you.” he said, striding away. Ikora shook her head, wondering how in the world she could not look like herself.

it had taken a few hours for Shiro to send her the coordinates as well as a time, and a few hours more for her to put together a suitable disguise, but Ikora had managed to dig the robes she had worn as a young guardian out of her closet, and reattach the shoulder sling to her old shotgun, Invective. the robes were simple, maroon in color, with black leather serving to fill in the gaps, and a handy hood to pull over her head. across her arm, Ikora had placed one of her old wearable colliders’, and had departed the tower in secret, placing an old teal helm over her head, and pulling up the hood about her neck.

saying the restaurant was hard to find was the understatement of a lifetime, even with her ghost, Hugin, supplying active coordinates, it had taken them nearly two hours to find it, and the result both was and wasn’t what Ikora had been expecting. put together from what seemed to be random bits of metal and wood, the ‘restaurant’ was nothing more than a large shack with a corrugated steel panel as a roof, hanging from the roof, just above the doorway, was a fizzled out neon sign suspended by wires threaded through what looked suspiciously like bullet holes; the sign read “the Middle of Nowhere”. Ikora looked around, there was no sign of Shiro yet, and this didn’t feel like the sort of place to be alone in, and she began to have second thoughts. letting out a small hum, Ikora leaned toward Hugin and said “Maybe this wasn’t the best idea...” just as she began to turn to leave, a familiar voice called out to her.

“Ikora.” Shiro called from across the small grassy yard outside of the shack. jogging across, he stopped a few feet in front of her. “I’m so glad you were able to make it.” Ikora nodded cautiously. “Shiro when you said a place...” she paused, uncertain. “I wasn’t expecting this.” Shiro nodded, easily reading what she implied. “yeah I know, but give it a shot, and if you don’t like it, we don’t come back. Deal?” Ikora felt a bit shocked by how forward he was being, she had never taken a chance to talk to Shiro without being in a vanguard meeting, and now that she was alone with him, his calm reassurance was... nice. “Alright.” she managed to say. “I can give it a try.”

“Fantastic.” Shiro replied, moving towards the shack, Ikora in tow. before the pair arrived at the door, Shiro laid his arm across her shoulders; when she moved to step away, he tightened his grip. “okay Ikora, trust me on this, you’re gonna want me around here, at least until folks warm up to you, so just follow my lead.” Ikora sighed slightly and nodded, Shiro nodded in return, before pushing open the door to the restaurant, while saying. “welcome to the Middle of Nowhere.”

Despite its outward appearance, the inside of the shack was well lit, with round tables, their finish almost completely peeled off, and old rustic chairs, which probably never had any finish applied in the first place, light bulbs hung from cords stretching upwards to the ceiling; off to the left on the far side of the single room was a bar, in similar condition to the tables and chairs. as the pair entered, figures seated alone or in groups at the tables turned their eyes on Ikora and Shiro. Ikora felt Shiro shift his hand down from her shoulder to around her waist, while he simultaneously raised his other hand into the air slightly and lowered his head in what Ikora could only describe as a half nod. the patrons, most of them hunters by Ikora’s wager, repeated the gesture, lowering their heads and raising their hands, before returning to their drinks or other activities.

pulling her over to an empty table with two chairs, Shiro took his hand from Ikora’s waist and kicked one of the chairs out from the table a ways, before taking the other chair and sitting down. Ikora took the chair shiro had moved, presumably for her in the weird way hunters did things, and sat, pulling herself up to the table. after a moment a young woman came by and dropped two old menu’s onto the table between them. “Anything for drinks?” she asked, pulling out a notepad, her tone somewhat apathetic. “Two glasses of water, and something for a departed friend if you get my meaning.” Shiro chimed in. the woman nodded, not looking up from the notepad. “Sure thing Shiro.” she turned on her heel and wove her way through the tables back to the bar. Ikora stared after her for a few seconds before pulling one of the menu’s across the table and beginning to unfold it, turning her gaze back to Shiro. “they know you?” Shiro nodded. “yeah, and before you ask, they don’t care that we’re guardians, place operates on a ‘don’t ask don’t tell policy’” Shiro reached out and placed his hand on top of Ikora’s menu, obscuring her vision of the orders. “and don’t, order anything here.” Ikora would have asked why but decided against it, Shiro was clearly in his element here, and it felt best to just follow his lead.

The woman returned with the glasses and a dark bottle of cheap wine, which Shiro took and thanked her, tipping her a few pieces of glimmer before turning his attention back to Ikora. “So Ikora.” he began, and Ikora braced herself. “I heard what happened, and I’m not talking about Cayde, I’m talking about you and Zavala.” there it was, the question she had hoped not to hear. “Listen Shiro, I appreciate this, but I don’t think” she was cut off by Shiro leaning forward, onto the table. “I know you don’t think this is a good Idea Ikora, but I want to hear your side of things, every guardian I’ve talked to knows Zavala’s side, but I want to hear yours.”

Ikora took a moment to compose herself, sifting through her memories, trying to find a place to start; after she had compiled what she felt was a proper explanation, she cast her eyes downward to her hands. “I didn’t understand.” she finally said, watching Shiro sit back, listening. “with Cayde dead, I didn’t understand why Zavala didn’t want to go after Uldren Sov, at first I thought him a coward, too afraid of his own light’s frailty to trust anyone else to do a good job, it felt as though he thought if he couldn’t do something, no one could.” Shiro nodded. “But that wasn’t the case.” he prompted, and Ikora shook her head. “No it wasn’t, after the guardian returned, and I felt no satisfaction, I turned my thoughts inward.” she looked up to Shiro’s glowing blue eyes. “if we had sent an army, a raid party, or even a fire-team, the chances of an unnecessary loss would have skyrocketed, and...” she paused for a second, casting her eyes back down to her hands and willing herself to say what she had been avoiding, a result she had until now refused to face. “And despite all how much I despaired, Cayde was still just a single guardian, a loss of another guardian wouldn’t have changed that. simple numbers.”

As Ikora stared down at her hands, clenched into fists, another gloved hand appeared, looking up slightly, Ikora watched Shiro place his right hand over top her left, a small gesture of reassurance. “from up in the tower, it all seems like simple math and science.” he said, his tone soft. “if we lose two guardians instead of one, its a net loss, if we don’t prove a point here or there, net loss.” he stared at Ikora intently. “but down here, when the enemy really hits home, its not so simple anymore.” Ikora nodded, and Shiro sat back in his chair, pouring some of the wine at the table into a spare glass and pushing it towards her. “I know it’s tough, believe me, but it’ll get better. I promise” Ikora nodded, removing her teal helmet. as the cool air hit her face, she felt her eyes burn, withing the confines and filtered air of her helmet, she had failed to realize she had begun to cry. “thank you Shiro.” she managed, her voice warbling as she spoke; she grasped the glass and took a sip, it had a strange, sour flavor to it, but not a flavor she despised. Shiro emptied his glass of water before filling it again with wine, and raised it slightly. “to Cayde.” Ikora nodded and raised her glass slightly off the table as well.

Ikora couldnt help but giggle as Shiro regaled her with yet another tale of Cayde’s antics before he became a vanguard, tipping back her glass, Ikora noticed she had run out of wine again, and went to pour more wine into her glass another time, only to have none pour from the bottle. as she sat there, pondering why nothing was happening, Shiro gently took the bottle from her hand, and placed it on the table, next to the other empty bottle. “I think that’s enough Ikora, its getting late.” Ikora stared at him, dumbfounded. “It is?” she peered up at the small clock on a nearby wall, trying to will her vision to stop wobbling so she could see the time. Shiro took her gently by the arm, and led her out of the bar, and Ikora had to admit, the cool night air did help straighten out her vision a bit, but not her balance, as she would have almost immediately fallen had it not been for Shiro’s support. leaning her full weight against him, she stumbled along with him back in the vague direction of the tower. as he helped her into her dormitory, Ikora put her free hand on his shoulder. “I wanted to thank you Shiro, it was nice to be away from the tower for a while.” Shiro seemed to nod. “whatever you say Ikora, you should get some sleep.” not that it had been mentioned, Ikora felt the weight of exhaustion creeping over her body, nodding along with him, she mumbled. “yes, sleep would be nice...” Shiro helped her over to the couch, too unfamiliar with the layout of her room to help her to her bed, before turning to leave. “try to take it easy tomorrow Ikora.” he called over his shoulder, Ikora simply waved her hand in agreement, pulling Invective off of her shoulder, and allowing it to drop onto the ground with a loud thud. the last thing she remembered was watching Shiro close the door behind him, bathing the room in darkness.

#syntheticspacemagic #Ikora Rey X Shiro-4 #rarepair anyone?#destiny #destiny 2 #destiny 2: forsaken #Destiny2 #Destiny Forsaken Spoilers #Fic #fiction #House-of-kells #ikora rey #Shiro-4 #hunters deal with grief poorly

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writeanapocalae · 6 years

Text

A Detective in Junction

Read it on Ao3 | Chapter 1: Diving Back In

Warning: This is a Sequel to A Doctor in Union and may not make sense out of order

Sebastian groaned, glaring at his phone where it sat on the bedside table, lit up and buzzing and waking him. He slept lightly, napped through parts of the day, and there were many nights in which he didn’t sleep at all. He’d only barely fallen asleep. He should have ignored it, wrapped an arm around Stefano’s shoulders and gone back to sleep. No one ever texted him though, there had to be a reason for it.

He picked it up, the air chilly against his arm. Stefano grumbled in his sleep, if he was asleep, as the cold traveled down his back from the shift in blankets. The phone didn’t tell him much when he answered it.

‘Located JO. -JK’

His glare deepened, not understanding the code. The phone number wasn’t one that he recognized. For a moment he considered it a joke, especially because of the JK, but then his brain turned on fully and he bolted up out of bed, and there was no way that Stefano wasn’t awake after that.

He had to go. He had to go now.

He called the number back, even as Stefano groggily pulled himself up into a sitting position, a hot hand soft on his back.

“Where is he?” Sebastian gritted out, the sleepiness still in his voice, making it play-doh and slow.

“I don’t know if I should say it over the phone, otherwise I would have texted the coordinates,” Kidman sounded tired but in the way that she hadn’t slept yet. Sebastian could hear people in the background, lots of people.

“I thought you said Mobius was gone.”

“It is, but that still leaves a lot of other people out there wanting the technology. I haven’t even made it to the facility yet; I’m just hoping that I’ll be the first one to enter it.”

A panic was starting to grow in Sebastian’s chest, his heart pounding. Stefano was rubbing circles against his shoulder blade, trying to calm him. Joseph, found and possibly alive. He’d been hoping, he wasn’t a praying man but he’d considered it a few times, for Joseph to be alright. He definitely wasn’t alright but he was, possibly, salvageable. This was the first he’d heard anything about Joseph since finding out he was even alive.

“Where are you?” he switched tactics.

“I’m at the airport in Chattanooga, Tenessee.”

Sebastian pulled out of Stefano’s hold and out of the bed, dragging his jeans on from where he’d dropped them the night before. Stefano was shadowing him, which he did so well now that he was healthy enough to move on his own, silent in the darkness. If he hadn’t been there when Stefano got better, he would have been terrified of the change.

“I’m on my way.”

“We’re on our way,” Stefano corrected. Sebastian looked at him, seeing only the light of his phone reflecting in Stefano’s eye and nothing more.

“Text me when you get here,” Kidman hung up.

“So, where are we off to in the middle of the night?” Stefano asked, scooting past Sebastian for his cane and then over to the light switch, making them both half blind with light.

“You don’t have to go anywhere,” Sebastian grabbed a shirt and threw it on, not even looking at what it was. “And I need you here, to watch over Lily.”

Stefano opened a drawer in his dresser, pulling out a pair of dark olive slacks. “You sound as if it’s some sort of emergency and you should know by now that I don’t intend to make you go through something like that on your own. We can get a sitter for Lily.”

Sebastian paused a moment, uncertain. He was fairly certain that he’d never mentioned Joseph to Stefano. He couldn’t believe that he hadn’t. Joseph had been such a huge part of his life and when he was gone, Sebastian had fallen into the worst depression of his life, not that he could claim all of that was on Joseph’s apparent death.

“It’s two in the morning,” Sebastian grumbled.

“Well, can it wait until an actually humane time of day then?” Stefano slipped into a pale yellow dress shirt, “You’re going to have to explain to both of us what’s going on, after all.”

“Yeah, yeah, shit, I’m sorry,” Sebastian rubbed at his face. “Yeah, I’ll tell you in the morning. I’m just, I’m going to get ready in the mean time. I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep.”

Stefano nodded but didn’t get undressed. He moved with Sebastian in silence, packing along with him. He noted the low amount of clothing that Sebastian was packing and followed suit, as if he knew that there wouldn’t be much need for a change of clothes in whatever adventure Sebastian was going on. Sebastian wanted to give in, to tell him right then what was happening. He didn’t want to go over it twice though. He didn’t want to argue with Stefano right yet, even though he knew that this would lead to that. He didn’t want Stefano going with him, didn’t want him ever falling into STEM again.

By the time morning came and Lily was awake he was a jumbled pile of nerves, no matter how softly Stefano touched him, pressing kisses to his temple and sliding his hand along his back whenever he could. The moment that Stefano left him to go downstairs, to prepare breakfast and get coffee going Sebastian sat down on the edge of the bed, trying to breathe, trying to think. He’d been thinking all night but he still didn’t have any idea what he was going to say, how he was going to say it.

He went downstairs a few minutes later, finding Lily and Stefano at the dining room table talking about something in hushed tones. Lily looked nervous and he couldn’t read Stefano at all, even though he could see much more of his face than he used to, Stefano getting more comfortable with his hair being a bit shorter on the right side of his face.

“There you are,” Stefano gave him a soft smile and Sebastian’s chest tightened, the anxiety swelling. He couldn’t do this to them, not when they’d all gotten settled in. He didn’t want to do this at all, but he owed it to Joseph, didn’t trust anyone to go in there in his stead. “Would you mind alluding us on what had you so worried last night?”

Sebastian sat in his seat, a cup of coffee and a plate of toast and eggs already waiting for him. He sighed. They were so good to him, too good. They didn’t deserve any of this.

“Kidman texted me last night,” he said, not lifting his head to make eye contact. “She found my old partner, back from KCPD, in an abandoned Mobius facility. He’s over in Tennessee and I-

“And you intend to go there and fish him out, is that it?” Stefano interrupted, his cup hiding his face. “This would be Joseph, correct?”

Sebastian balked.

“I told him about Uncle Joseph,” Lily raised a hand meekly. “You went into the bad place with him the first time, right? You think he’s still in there or do you think he’s a bad guy now?”

Sebastian looked from Lily to Stefano, his mouth still open. “You knew about him?”

“Lily used him as an excellent teaching tool to explain your sexuality to me,” Stefano waved the question off. “You do realize that there is no way that you’re going alone, correct?”

“You’re not coming with, neither of you,” Sebastian glared, trying not to let any real anger shine through, “Kidman will be there, I’m not going to be alone. And no, I don’t think he’s Mobius. He’s probably still in STEM.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Stefano placed his coffee on the table, crossing his arms. “I am going with you.”

“You lost enough to STEM,” Sebastian shook his head, “and to Mobius. When I said you’re never going back there, I meant it.”

“And miss your reunion with your boyfriend? I think not. Sebastian, you lost far more to Mobius then I did; I lost most of what I had before I ever went to them. I do not intend to lose you to them as well! Do not forget, as well, that I had a great deal of power in Union, that I understood how to bend through the logic of that place. I would be irreplaceable to you.”

“I’m eleven years old!” Lily added, “I don’t want to come with but I’m old enough to watch out for myself! I think you’ll do way better together than you would alone! Buddy systems and all that!”

They were teaming up on him and not in the way that he’d expected. He’d thought that they’d both be against him going at all. They must have both known how much Joseph meant to him, which didn’t make any sense to him, Stefano didn’t seem like the kind of person who would be willing to share him, especially not in a romantic sense. He found himself smiling, the anxiety not gone but the anxiety for their responses at least drowned out.

---

The airport was busy and it was hard to get through the crowds with their suitcases and the cane that Stefano hated so much. He pretended he didn’t rely on it as much as he really did but, after a few hours on a cramped airplane his legs felt weak and stiff. He wanted to hold Sebastian’s hand, not the cane, but he rested against it with each step.

He could feel anxiety prick at him, a thick buzzing in his veins, an urge to stop and breathe at the same time that it was propelling him forward. He swallowed it down. He didn’t need it. It wasn’t helpful. Sebastian needed him to be strong right then. He didn’t know if he could be. He kept thinking about going back down, wondering if he would wake up this time, since he’d barely been able to last time. He’d been lucky last time and he’d been lucky every day for the past year; that luck would run out eventually.

Sebastian raised an arm and Stefano jumped, not expecting it. Sebastian was on his bad side, which he did when he was nervous, thinking that Stefano didn’t recognize it. Usually it made him feel safe, having someone he trusted protecting that side, but he couldn’t feel safe now, he couldn’t feel much aside from dread.

Sebastian was waving to a woman, to Juli, who was waiting for them at one of the little cafes that cost a fortune. Stefano had only met her a few times, when he was healing, and he knew that he had made a terrible series of impressions in such a weak and meager state. He held his head higher, tried to be more imposing. He’d come a long way.

She didn’t smile when she approached them, just clutched the briefcase at her side and made sure there was no one watching her. She’d told Sebastian that Mobius was done for, but she was far too paranoid for such a response. He’d say that it made him uneasy, but he was already uneasy.

“I rented a car, come on,” she said, in place of a greeting. They followed her in silence, out of the air conditioning and out into the heat, to a small black car that was so uncharacteristic that it had to be on purpose. She opened the trunk and they both put their bags inside before climbing into the back, Juli driving.

Once they were belted in, Stefano’s cane over his lap, Juli opened the briefcase, pulling out some files and passing them back. Stefano took one while Sebastian had the other two and the car was started and out of the parking lot before they even had them open.

The file that Stefano had was on the Core, a ten year old boy named Jonathon. His last name was a large black stripe. Stefano’s hands started to shake as he read about the boy, about his high scores in standardized tests, about his wealth of empathy, about his love of art. He was just like Lily, even the terminology was the same as what Sebastian had quoted from Mobius. Lily had been taken away in the falsified fire though and, for Jonathon, the opposite was true, the fire had claimed his parents. There was no one to care that he was gone.

Jonathon was written as being clever and artistic, showing great promise but with obsessive traits. Stefano wasn’t reading in too much depth, he didn’t want to know all of the details. This all felt too familiar. He glanced over at Sebastian’s file instead, where he was reading on a young woman, Amber Fairen. She was a romance writer, 25, but none of her stories had ever been published. At the top of the page was the same terminology that was on Jonathon’s, just with a different number: Core Candidate #9.

“Are there multiple Cores?” Stefano asked, reaching out for the other file in Sebastian’s lap.

“Yeah, this is the most experimental version of STEM I’ve ever heard of,” Juli explained. “There’s no people involved, so you aren’t going to have to deal with civilians, aside from the Cores. I guess they saw that there were too many issues with just having a single Core in place and decided to try with three.”

“And the reasoning for there being a child?” Stefano continued. Sebastian was only half listening but he perked up at that, anger flashing over his features.

“Same reason as with Lily. There’s a level of innocence in children that haven’t been exposed to trauma and they are impressionable. They’re easy to control and manipulate.”

Stefano reached out to put his hand on Sebastian’s shoulder. He could see the tension growing in his brow.

“No people though, that’s good, that means that there wont be any monsters, nothing like the Lost.”

Sebastian glanced at him. He swallowed. He’d never seen Sebastian so angry and he couldn’t help but feel like it was directed at him. He was just trying to get some answers though, know as much as he could before they went in.

“There’s another major difference, they implied a Lucid Unit for Cerebral Integration,” Juli explained. There was no answer from the two men and she paused, her eyes trained on the road before she went into it, collecting her thoughts, “I saw a little bit of the planning for the Luci, but I never saw it used, I didn’t know it was completed. It’s a sort of artificial intelligence that was put in place for ease of cataloging and mapping STEM, since the map could be changed by the Cores at any time. They’re also used to report any errors to the Mobius members who would enter for testing purposes.”

An artificial intelligence? Stefano had heard that such things were in development but he didn’t think anything like that would be usable so early. Mobius acted as if they were gods though, it was completely possible that they had surpassed the rest of the world by bypassing ethics and other pesky laws.

“You think the Luci could be dangerous?” Sebastian finally spoke up, handing Amber’s file over to Stefano. He didn’t open the next one. Stefano was certain it was Joseph’s.

“I’m not going to say they wouldn’t be. With the way the Cores and the other test subjects have altered the surroundings in the past, I wouldn’t trust anything to be safe really. Just take it slow.”

---

He didn’t think there was a chance, not really. He hadn’t imagined that Joseph could be alive, not after he saw Kidman shoot him, but then he’d gone back in after Lily and Kidman had told him that Joseph was alive. He’d been so distracted though, with rescuing Lily, with getting Stefano out of STEM and then back on his feet, that he hadn’t had time to really think about Joseph. Joseph, who had been in STEM this whole time, had been living in one of these nightmare worlds, with only two other people, who could have been allies or enemies.

He should have tried harder. He should have tried earlier. He shouldn’t have left Kidman to hunt for him on her own.

She pulled up to the facility, which looked like an old water purification building, with mildew growing up the walls and the grass overgrown and a few creeping vines climbing up the sides. Stefano gave him a small smile, a squeeze to the shoulder, before he unbuckled and climbed out of the car. Sebastian sighed, following his lead.

It reeked. It smelled like Beacon, like the sewers underneath it, where the water was a dark and deep red from all of the blood and viscera that was mixed in with the water. It smelled like rotten meat and cold bile and mildew and the sickeningly sweet scent of garbage on a hot day. As they drew closer to the door, which sat open with a chair shoved against it to keep it from closing. There was a pile of limbs and flies and mistakes, of the bodies that Juli must have dragged out of the building all on her own. She wasn’t looking at them, she was unreadable, her face blank as she went into the building.

It looked like a Mobius building on the inside, all white tile and cement, cold and barren and clean, aside from the swivel chair that was at the end of a long smear of blood. He squeezed Stefano’s hand. He shouldn’t have been here. This wasn’t Stefano’s job. Stefano gave him a small smile and a squeeze of the hand back, as if there was nothing wrong. Everything was wrong.

Kidman hadn’t been overly talkative before this, had always given more questions than she answered, but now she led them past offices and labs and examination rooms without a word. She was pale, a sheen of sweat on her brow. She looked like she was coming down with something. She may have been, just from touching all of those corpses.

The STEM room was more complicated than the one for Union, which was more complicated than the one for Beacon. There were three of those metal cylinders, the same kind that Lily had been in, in a cluster in the center, the wires and tubes coming from them bound in different colored transparent tubing to keep them separate and recognizable as they led to monitors. There were eight tubs around the tubes and they were ergonomic, actually built for comfort and short time use. The people who went in weren’t supposed to stay in, the trips were meant to be shorter.

There were blood stains everywhere.

“You should get dressed, do whatever you need to do before getting in,” Kidman explained. “I can give you a moment if you want.”

There were security cameras in the corners of the room. Those made him feel a lot less private than Kidman not being there would. He didn’t care if Kidman saw him naked, he didn’t have much shame in those regards, she’d seen him much worse than just naked. Stefano looked uncomfortable though and his eye was trained directly at one of the tubs as if it were something much more than it was. He was looking at it because he knew what it actually was.

“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good,” he shooed her away, letting go of Stefano’s hand to stroke up his arm. He didn’t even turn to watch her leave, had his attention on the man before him, who was pale and still intent on that tub. “Hey, you okay?”

Stefano bit his lip and nodded. “We’ll be in contact, won’t we? She can extract us whenever we need to be?”

“I have no intention of letting you out of my sight,” Sebastian promised, wished that his older promises were still holding up. “But yeah, we’ll both have communicators, remember? If we get separated, we’ll be able to find each other. And we can talk to Kidman whenever we need to.”

Stefano set his cane down, resting it against the tub. He drew closer to Sebastian, his hands finding Sebastian’s waist and stroking along it to wrap around him.

“You’re scared.”

“Of course I am,” Stefano admitted, laying his head against Sebastian’s chest. “You heard what she said. There won’t be any people in there, aside from the five of us.”

Sebastian hugged Stefano back. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

Stefano shook his head against him. “It means there will be less obstacles, I’m sure, less monsters, less casualties if we fail, but it also means less distractions.”

Sebastian pulled away from him a bit, “Less distractions? Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Before, when there were more minds connected, their obsession with normality, their ideas of what Union was supposed to be, made it harder to be manipulated for those of us who knew we were within a dream. I could create, of course, but when I did so in someplace other than my own space there was a chance that it would revert to how it had been. There will be less distractions in this STEM, which means that we’ll be able to change it without trying.”

“You think you’ll revert,” Sebastian sighed, realizing what Stefano was dancing around. He closed his eyes. “Stefano, that’s not going to happen. You were changed by Theodore, by Paolo, to become that killer. It’s up to you what you’ll become now. And I’ll be at your side all the while. If you think you’re going to falter, you can lean on me.”

“And if I hurt you?” Stefano asked.

“That’s not going to happen.” Sebastian kissed him, long and slow, reminding him that there was more to him than words. He was a man of action and that wasn’t always a good thing, but Stefano melted against his touch.

---

He had never expected to come back here. He had never wanted to. Juli had told them what to expect and it was so different from Union, but he still didn’t think that he was ready. He lay down in the tub, letting the fluids wash over him. His hands were on the sides of the tub though, knuckles white, and he turned to Sebastian, hoping for just one more argument, one more excuse as to why he shouldn’t come. He had been brave before, had acted like this wasn’t a compounding of trauma, but now it was happening, now it was real, and he wanted escape. Sebastian’s eyes were closed, his brows furrowed in concentration. They were going to do this.

“Don’t worry,” Juli put her hand on his shoulder, plugging him into the machine. “I’ll be out here for you. If it ever gets to be too much, you let me know. I’ll extract you as fast as I can.”

He nodded. That helped a little, even though he knew that if they came out they’d have to start over from the initial insertion point. He let go of the edges and let himself slide further under the liquid, taking one last look at the metal tanks that held the Cores.

This wasn’t like Union. In Union there had been only Lily and he hadn’t seen how they’d kept her in a metal chamber. There had been hundreds of tubs, like the ones that they were in, all of them citizens of that imaginary world.

He wasn’t ready for this. He’d ever be ready.

He closed his eye, following Sebastian’s lead, and suddenly he was falling back into the fluid, falling and plummeting, eye flying open to watch as so much of that white liquid fell away from him. He was unable to breathe, unable to fight against his drop into the depths. He felt himself start to choke on the nothing, reaching at nothing, wondering why Juli wasn’t pulling him up, wasn’t pulling him out. The liquid wasn’t that deep but he was miles down, the lights from outside a soft glow in the distance. He was struggling, trying to shove his way upward, but he felt a weight on his chest, a weight that was pulling him down. He opened his mouth but all that came out were the air bubbles that he so desperately needed.

He was dying. He had been a fool to agree to this. He’d known it at the time, too. But now he was drowning. Now he was suffocating. He was dying and it was pain and it was hands on his throat, in his lungs, shoving liquid into him.

And then it stopped and he was floating and there was no liquid around him. Either that or he didn’t need to breathe. He wasn’t sure, but he wasn’t suffering any more. He was slowly sliding down towards a field of pale blue grass, all of it reaching up for him, looking as if it would catch him and cradle him and pull him down into comfort. He looked around but he didn’t see Sebastian anywhere in this space. He wondered if Sebastian was in a place quite this beautiful or as terrifying.

He drew towards the bottom and he realized that there was no grass beneath him. The gentle swaying beneath him was not soft stocks but drowned fingers pale and blue from lack of air. They were attached to reaching arms, ready to grab him and keep him, to drag him down and make him one of them. He threw out his arms, trying to slow his decent, looking around for anything that he could grab onto. There was nothing but that field. He had no choice.

He kicked out, trying to keep the hands away. They did not care about broken or bloody fingers. The trailed their fingers over his socks, clung to his lounge wear, and held him tightly. He considered kicking off his pants in order to escape them but they were already holding him by the ankles, their skin so cold that it chilled him. It was elegant, in a way, the way that the hands all moved together, the field a garden of expression. It looked like an art piece that he would have made in a different life. Where he was now though, on this side of the exhibit, he was not so much an audience member as he was an unwilling participant.

The hands were heavier than the weight on his chest had been and when they grabbed they pulled, arms sliding into the field as if they were nothing more than tube worms. They were forced to release him as their fingers were separated by unadulterated earth. He stood among them, more tall ones waving at him, beckoning him closer, others trying to shove behind him. They were pointing him in a direction, towards a slanted building that kept flickering and flashing, glitching out into squares before scrambling into a different building altogether. There were five of them, if he had to guess, though it was confusing as some of them stole parts of others and they didn’t cycle in an order. The shorter ones were stretched out to match the heights of the taller ones, adding to the confusion. He did recognize the apartment building he had grown up in though and seeing it filled him with a dread that he had not allowed himself to feel while with Sebastian, ignoring his own painful childhood memories while recounting what good ones he still remembered.

There was no where else to go. He had to go towards the building. As he moved the arms shuffled and tightened, pulling down so he could cross, stepping on uncaring fingers as he went. Eventually the fingers ran out and the field looked like it was made out of black glass, only a few feet away from the entrance.

The building glitched, breaking into more pieces, breaking up further than it had any time before, and then shattering, colors and squares breaking apart and flying out, changing shape and color, forming a street that led to a town in the distance, wispy woods growing around it, trying to invade the cement past a weak wooden fence.

There was a fork and down the other side was Sebastian, who didn’t seem to be anywhere near as disoriented as he was. Sebastian was, however, smoking slightly and Stefano knew not to ask about whatever fire Sebastian had had to put out on his way here. He knew Sebastian’s past and he knew his nightmares. He didn’t need to bring them up.

He was glad to see that Sebastian was dressed like a normal person, no wandering around in the sweats that he had been in when they had stepped into the tubs just minutes before. He was wearing a brown, pinstriped vest and brown slacks that Stefano had never seen before, his white dress shirt unbuttoned a bit to reveal a hint of his chest, his neck unconstrained by a tie. Glancing down at himself he was glad to see that he was decently dressed as well, crimson slacks and a deep blue satin dress shirt, much more comfortable and much more him than the comfortable clothes he’d been told to wear. He recognized them as well, old clothes but feeling fresh and new, some of the first clothes he’d purchased once being released from the military’s care in America.

Stefano rushed over as best he could with the light limp that still threatened him so often, taking Sebastian’s hand in his own and drawing close. Sebastian gave his hand a light squeeze and offered a damaged smile, which Stefano would always take, even if it filled him with a concern he was still learning how to form.

“Regretting it yet?” Sebastian asked, trying to tease but there was no merriment in his voice.

Stefano tugged on his hand, making him stumble closer to him so he could press a kiss to his cheek, to pretend that what he had seen had not unsettled him and made his hands itch to create. “I would only regret it if I did not find you on the other side.”

Sebastian’s smile reached his eyes then, before they turned away, towards a lightly glowing figure down the road. Stefano turned his attention to her as well, although there was no where else he could look, eventually, as she was standing in front of a roundabout which held a large imposing tree. There was a wooden sign planted in the roundabout with a very familiar image of a tree that looked far more like a brain than could be coincidental.

“Hello,” the woman said as they drew near, her voice a perfect monotone. Stefano hated her immediately. Everything about her was flat and bland, even though she was glowing faintly, even through her bland gray pantsuit. “You may call me Luci. Welcome to Junction.”

Stefano was impressed. He wasn’t expecting the A.I. to look so human. It was accurate but uncanny, just slightly off in the motions.

She cocked her head, eyes looking them over in a mechanical manner and Stefano was brought to the conclusion that she was scanning thm. “I am an A.I., set in motion to accommodate and direct Mobius scientists through Junction. The fact that you do not recognize me give me cause to believe that you are an infiltration in the system. Name and registration, please.”

Sebastian looked at Stefano, but he had no registration here either.

“We were sent in for repairs,” Stefano explained, trying to come up with something believable, “and we are not altogether Mobius scientists. We were not given proper registration numbers as we were expected to meet other scientists here. Give us a moment to contact our superiors?”

She looked at him as blankly as before. “There have been no Mobius agents within STEM in 298 days. The Cores are out of alignment and need to be re-calibrated. There is a long list of repairs that need to be accomplished, but I cannot allow you entry until you have your registration.”

“Understood, my dear,” Stefano gave her a smile that would have charmed a real woman of her ilk. She did not respond to it. “We will return momentarily.”

He still had Sebastian’s hand in his own and he turned them to go back a few steps, pulling out the radio that was stuck on his belt, unnoticed until just then. Sebastian was looking at him quizzically but that was fine, there were many times in which Sebastian didn’t catch onto things as readily as he did.

“Juli? It seems we’ve run into a small hindrance.”

“Already? That’s impressive,” she sounded amused at least, if a little out of breath.

“We’ve met the illustrious Luci and she was hoping for our registration, could you make us some, right quick?”

He heard something drop heavily onto the floor, with a light squish that, paired with the lack of reality he was now in, reminded him greatly of his exhibit in City Hall. “Uh, yeah, give me a few seconds.”

He clipped the radio back onto his belt. Sebastian looked proud. He’d had people tell him that they were proud of him before, had people tell him how impressive his work was, but Sebastian was the first one who made him feel like it was true, that it wasn’t a stroke to his ego. He could still feel Luci’s cold eyes on them and, whatever mood that would swell in his heart was dashed before anything could come of it.

“Alright,” Juli sighed from her home on Stefano’s waist, “get the radio close up to it.”

Stefano returned to Luci and held out the radio, letting Juli state their names, falsified occupations, and a long list of numbers. Stefano tried to memorize his but it was too long and she only said it once before a small smile flitted onto Luci’s boring face.

“Welcome to Junction, might I point you in a direction of your choosing or shall I give you the list of malfunctions?”

“We’re heading for the Core, Joseph Cedric Oda,” Sebastian said, deliberate and to the point.

Luci seemed to think on that for a moment, getting confused more than a machine had any right to. “The Cores are not in proper alignment and may not be in the correct quadrants,” she explained. “Block 24A-31E is Core JO’s primary state of establishment, otherwise known as The Junction City Police Department.”

“Of course,” Sebastian gritted his teeth. Stefano didn’t understand why. They had both been detectives together, Sebastian had told him so on the flight over, so finding him in a place that he would find comfort and understanding in was not much of a surprise. “Thanks.”

“A pleasure to be of assistance,” Luci stilled, no longer active now that it was clear that Sebasastian was done speaking with her.

“Come on,” Sebastian squeezed his hand, “We’re going to need to get a move on, I don’t care if Juli said there are no monsters, this place gives me the creeps.”

Stefano nodded. Even with Luci offline he felt like he was being watched.

@chibi–raiden @detectivesebcas @angelicsociopath@sebcastellanyes @ruvikkin@lokis-queen-hepta-the-destroyer@samofgallifrey27 @supportivepsychopath @zellanoir

#the evil within 2 #joseph oda #sebastian castellanos #Stefano Valentini #fanfiction

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smireyac · 4 years

Text

fuck this year man u dont even get cute emojis in the title this time

so lemme just start by saying fuck 2020

now that we’re on the same page, lets get into it

so i dont have to explain all the reasons why this year sucked bc u just need to google 2020 and there will be a million reasons why it was TOTAL FUCKING GARBAGE...... usually when so many people collectively say a year sucked ass, i can be like “oh it wasnt *all* bad for me, personally” haha not this year!!!

its super fucking depressing to look at how hopeful and positive i was about 2020 a year ago..... ofc there was no way for me to have known it would all go to shit but i still really appreciate the tone i had set... reading over the previous reflections and seeing how harsh and negative i was @ myself made the softness of last years post super refreshing....

now i said i dont *have* to explain all the ways 2020 was shitty, but i am gonna explain the biggest reason this year was shitty for me, personally..... it might seem really small in comparison to the ways 2020 was shitty as a whole on like a global scale? but really the biggest reason 2020 sucked ass was i didnt get to really hang out with any of my friends in real life for 9 out of the 12 months of the year.... and really it was like the first week of march that shit hit the fan so like really it was only 2 months that we got to see each other....... if u rmbr p much every previous retrospective post ive made, there was a big emphasis on friends..... ive come to realize that im actually a very *extra*verted person??? despite my overall shyness and homebody attitude, i would always choose to hang out with people over being alone so stay-at-home orders FUCKING SUCKED??? when we all thought it would be over in a couple weeks, maybe a month it was fine?? hey its a good time to draw or catch up on that reading and/or writing i said i was gonna do maybe even start learning to drive?? it’ll be no big deal THEN it wasn’t over in a month and it wasnt gonna BE over anytime soon and no one important was doing anything about it and its an election year and black lives have always mattered and yet everything is so uncertain and

[inhale]

[exhale]

this year was..... a lot...... too much in fact

in 2018, i had said that i watched vox’s video on the year in 5 mins and cried... if i watched this year in five minutes, i dont think i would be able to breathe......

SO instead of making myself CRY..... lets try to think about any GOOD things that happened and think about what we can do to make 2021 good for ourselves:

GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED:

-i *didn’t* lose my job!! sad that so many others cannot say the same but im trying to make myself feel *better* not WORSE so i got to keep my job and i actually work more hours than before so!!

-i actually *did* learn to drive this year!!!! and im pretty good at it??? for someone that just started this year anyway?? i probably *would* have my DRIVER’S LICENSE right now if it weren’t for a surge in cases in a certain STATE that i happen to live in......... but w/e its fine i get more time to practice and im ~~**DEFINITELY**~~ going pass my test and get my license ~whenever it is that i can reschedule my dmv appt~

lmfao its so funny that last year, i was absolutely *dreading* learning to drive but i so fucking get why everyone was like ‘you need to learn how to drive’ i legit love it so much???? ive always been a car person but that was like purely for the aesthetic but now that i can drive im just....... WOOOW this really is what freedom feels like.... like ik that public transportation is amazing and i will always champion it but nothing beats being purely in control of your destination.... i also wanted to buy myself a car for my birthday even tho i couldnt really drive yet but then sien had to fix smthg on her car and it was EXPENSIVE AF and my mom was like “u dont need to buy a car yet” so i put the brakes [haha] on that... but soon... once i get my license,,, then i will have u my love................. so with that being “my most serious goal of 2020″ im glad i did it

-i was one of lucky ones and got unemployment when i couldn’t work so i have a lot of money saved in the bank??? pls no one steal my identity i wanna use that money to buy myself a car and/or for when we move out 🤞🤞 we’ll just have to wait and seeeeee....................

-i had mentioned playing dnd last year too and thats been going STRONG as hell thank goodness....... we couldnt keep playing in person but when we moved it to online, not only did we actually get to hang out a lot more, we made more friends??? introduced new people to the group?? its so good and in fact probably the only thing that kept me even a little bit sane this year......

-this is more of an honorable mention than an accomplishment but im this 🤏close to catching up with critical role and thats partially thanks to the pandemic lmao sooooo ???

aaaaaaand thats p much it lol i didnt really accomplish any of my other goals bc reasons................. but!!! as cliche as it sounds, with a light at the end of the tunnel, im confident that i can turn that all around this year.... so if 2016 was the year of change, 2017 was the year of getting used to shit, 2018 was the year of getting *too* used to shit and 2019 ended up being the year of friends, 2020 was the year of absolute shit and it doesn’t fucking count....... i learned a lot this year, biggest lesson of all is that life is short and if i were to have died at any point last year, what the fuck would i have to show for it??? so usually i end up giving a theme or name to a year after its done but this time im determined to make 2021 into what i want it to be SO i am declaring this year, the year of our lord 2021, the year of new experiences!!!! what the fuck does that mean you ask? well ill tell you!!! im gonna try new things this year!! make a very pointed effort to do things outside my comfort zone?? and for my goals this year, im going back to my old way of making a huge list of stuff u wanna do and seeing how much i can actuallly accomplish!! now i said theres a light but we really dont know when all this shit will end and life will go “bAcK tO nOrMaL” so whos to say ill get to accomplish any of it? at the same time, there are plenty of stuff on the list that i can do within the pandemic set parameters so!! lets see this list!!

2021 GOALS:

[check boxes bc there is no plain box emoji lmao]

☑️ read new books!! i’ll keep last years goal bc i didnt meet it and i have good reads now which tells me i just need to read 1.5 books a month to reach that goal!! huzzah!

☑️ watch new shows and new movies b4 u end up watching shit you’ve already seen a million times... i bought an old planner for 2020 instead of 2021 by accident but i hope it will help keep track of the movies/shows along with the books too!

☑️ listen to new music!! this years spotify wrapped was garbo it only had like 3 albums and a bunch of other shit i always listen to so i gotta fix that lmfao

☑️ write new stories!! i am comforted by the shit ive been writing for the past like 7 years but if my screenplay class taught me anything its that there are a lot of stories to tell and i got so many ideas floating around in this noggin!! instead of an arbitrary word count, why dont i say write idk 3 new stories, start to finish, in whatever medium idc screenplay, short story, comic, twine WHATEVER!! do it!

☑️ eat new food!! lmao this one seems the most silly to me but ive never had indian food, ive never had [not really anyway] korean food, i want to find new restaurants and eat new food!!! yum!

☑️ go on a road trip!!

☑️ visit some place ive never been before!!

☑️ go on a hike??

☑️ go to mexico again

☑️ ride a scary rollercoaster you previously wouldnt have

☑️ go to a club

☑️ get silly drunk fr

☑️ FUCK IT go on dates!! self date friend dates sister date cousin dates R- Romantic... dates ??? FUCK IT!!! YEAH!! DATE ALL UP IN THIS BITCH!!

☑️ learn to use blender

☑️ animate something

☑️ make a big painting

☑️ cosplay ???? AHH

☑️ learn to roller skate lmao u bought the skates and were so excited for them!!

☑️ go somewhere SUPER DARK and go see some real stars!!!!

☑️ and to top it all off, throw the airbnb house party that we’ve been talking about for MONTHS lmao

hmmmm,, i think thats a good enough list for now ?? another thing i wanted to accomplish.... that im scared to speak into existence bc then i cant back out of doing it...........and it doesnt align with the whole “new” spirit of 2021 but.......... i want to like start making apartments for rent????? like i want to have something of it to show by, if not the 8th anniversary then by the end of the year HHUFF THERE I SAID IT......... no turning back now..........

alright its almost midnight on.... whats this? its already jan. 1st??? lmao yeah fuck it i didnt keep up with anything i normally did this year who cares i made up the rules i can break them too lol

so yeah

we’ll see what this year brings us,,,,

hoo boy

#omg i talk #happy new year

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survivorgalaxysedge · 4 years

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Episode 5 | Forgive Me Cowtown For I Have Sinned - Ari

ohhhhh i found something JUICY tonight!!! so yesterday the hosts got tired of me constantly asking how many fuel i have and gave me the command to view it, and i knew i was outta points so i was like ok cool we'll check it out tomorrow. TURNS OUT the scorekeeper bot shows you not just your personal points.... but the points of everyone in the game.... and WHOM is number two on that list with 36 entire points? that's right. my best friend keegan. my first thought was wtf ew how did he already recover from my sabotage, i feel zero percent guilty about doing that now! and then my second thought was WAIT...... this is PERFECT. so you can bet i ran right to all three of my allies to be like "hey omg i found something shady :0 didn't keegan say all his fuel got blown up the other day? well i pulled some receipts and it turns out he still has all of it! why would he lie about that??? so sus!" and now i'm laughing because there could not be a more perfect excuse to get him gone!!! i'm not gonna push it any more than that right now - for all i know, we'll prob win the next challenge again - but i've tucked the ammo away in my pocket, planted the ari seed in jonathan and zoe's heads, and i'll let it sit pretty there until i need it. also, i ended up telling ali what i did to keegan simply because he is 100% not going against me and i needed someone to tell me i'm funny, so i also let him know about this plan o mine and that we could use this against sir keegan, which he's so down for. god. i cannot wait to tell mj about all this shit.

Jacob being voted out of NuTrian is the second best thing that could have happened. Preferably Nathan but my OG Andro and Jessie are safe so that’s very good. Now we’ve got a Guess Who challenge which is okay. I don’t care if we get first or second, I just really really don’t want to get last. Let’s keep the good vibes going and be safe for a fifth straight tribal council. Ali told me he scored 11 points, I scored 10. I hope Zoe can whip out her survivor magic with a score of 8 or 9. And then hopefully Jonathan can pull out a good score as well. Nathan and Zach have both scored 12 on this challenge before, so I can only hope they keep up with that and score high again. Gotta make sure those other tribes flop. I’m still incredibly uncertain about how to play this steal a player advantage. It’s possible we ride this 3 tribe split all the way to merge. My guess is merge at 11 or 10. That would be quite a few tribals to go without another swap but it’s certainly possible. Though I could absolutely see a swap now at 12. Two tribes of six, and then merge at 10. A final 3 with 7 jurors perhaps? Either way, I think I’ll hold on to this advantage until it seems likely that I’ll need it. No sense in causing some chaos if it isn’t necessary.

ok so i'm doing well in challenges rn, as best as i can at least, and i feel like that's the only thing keeping me alive bc.... nobody talks to me. i feel like i'm starting every one on one conversation and desperately trying to keep it alive and not be left on read. idk if they're like this with each other or if its just me but !!!!!! it doesnt make me feel good abt potentially losing a challenge. so i will just keep carrying my weight and keeping my cute little head down and pray im just being paranoid<3

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WELL We lost the immunity challenge which is the first loss after four straight immunity wins. That was a nice little break while it lasted. The obvious choice right off the bat is to vote for Ali. Keeps the OG Andro tribe fully intact, and avoids the most possible drama. However, I worry he might have found the Circi idol from his original tribe. Plus whatever advantage he may have gotten from the first challenge of the season. So the alternate thought is to maybe vote for Jonathan or Zoe. I adore Ari would not want to vote them out. It's tempting to throw a vote on one of them in the event of Ali playing an idol, just to keep myself safe. But if Ali doesn't have an idol, that could cause a whole world of issues. On the flip side, I wouldn't be entirely surprised if some or any of my tribe mates decided to throw my name under the bus. I haven't been the most social person and while I have definitely pulled my weight in the challenges, I could see them having their own little group that's willing to throw my under the bus and make things as painless as possible for the rest of them, especially considering they've all said they like Ali a lot. Ahhh this is all so much worse considering I have the hidden immunity idol. I don't want to waste it, but I also don't want to pull a Kellee Kim and go home with it in my pocket.

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it's kind of ridiculous how well this is all going???? why havent they voted me out yet i am running this shit -talked to ali, told him he's gonna be fine we just need to get people to vote for keegan -talked to jonathan, convinced him keegan is the most logical vote "because he's shady" and because it also means we can vote ali easily next time (versus going down to andro 4 and having it get much more messy) -jonathan was like "should we tell ali right before the vote?" and i was like i think you should call him and see where his head is at and we can go from there, jonathan said ok good point, if he says he wants to vote keegan and he also tells you that without any prompting from either of us we know he's real about it -yeeted myself into ali's dms the very second jonathan hung up like OK LISTEN HERE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY WHEN HE CALLS YOU, HE CANT KNOW I TOLD YOU ANY OF THIS -ali called me half an hour later like "omg we had such a good talk i love jonathan now deadass, i told him exactly what you said to say and he's so down" -presumably in the morning jonathan will call me and say "wow had a great talk with ali he seems cool and great and he said he'd vote keegan, what did he tell you?" and i can say "yeah same he mentioned keegan so i think we're good!" and jonathan will feel like we Did This Together and ali will feel like i Did This For Him and everyone will be in love with me -all i have to do tomorrow is make sure zoe is on board & that she doesn't feel pushed, and prob call keegan and make him some vague promises about working together long term, and then cross my fingers that i don't get blindsided during my editorial meeting at 9pm est i am having so much fun

i just keep thinking about how funny it’s gonna be when we get to merge and mj tells me to vote out all these people i’ve been making f2s with and i’ll be like “okay!!!!<3”

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Not to go back to INV this round, but not much has been going on. I've been keeping up socializing but since we're not going to tribal it's been more quiet than it has been last round. I'm really glad we won though bc I feel vulnerable if we go to tribal again. Cindi seems close to Nathan, and Nathan and Jessie seem closer to each other than they will be to me so I'm worried I'd be an easy vote. So I'm really hoping for a swap or merge tonight, or at least a challenge we can excel in. Don't want it to come down to one point again.

^_^ Okay, so no important updates with this tribe! It's freaking QUIET. I haven't talked to Zach or Silver at ALL since being with this tribe. I've talked to Jules a lot and Asya some, though. I'd like to work with the two of them if possible and if we ever go to tribal here, which I don't want to do because uhhh it's worrisome! Anyway, the only actual update I have is that I found the legacy advantage!!! Randomly at like 2AM I found it. I don't remember what I was doing exactly... I think I just went to watch the Circi round 3 tribal and then the Trian round 4 tribal... and then I think I went to watch the Tribe Swap video to see if there was some sort of announcement made regarded the Oxygen Tank amounts because I was confused why that number was changed more than double. I guess I was also thinking that since the hosts didn't make an announcement that the adventure was resetting at the swap then MAYBE there would be a new twist/advantage inserted elsewhere for this next phase of the game? Now, being the crackhead that I am, of course back on original tribes, I SEARCHED everywhere on the blog that I could think of. Extenders URLs, the source code, hidden hyperlinks - everything. Nothing was there. But in this case, my brain said, hmm, let's just scroll down and see if there's anything in the description of the Tribe Swap Youtube video...and... there was!! I didn't really know what it was at first but when I opened it everything CLICKED! Finally the Reem Cameo from launch night serving a bigger purpose made total sense. After seeing this link in the description though and realizing it was calling back to something we were told about night one, I went back and checked to see if this had been hidden all along, and of course it's literally in the description of the Cast Reveal video!!! and every other video after that!!! Keeping in mind that I found this 11 days into the game, I was like, oh there's definitely some nerd that found this instantly on night 1 so I'm probably just gonna get a message saying nothing here or something like that. Obviously that wasn't the case though. I think nobody found this because I lot of people operate via mobile in these, and Youtube descriptions require an addition click to reveal what's there. Alternatively, for desktop users, who the hell is scrolling down for any reason while you're watching videos from your ORG?? It's nothing something anyone does naturally. So that explains that. Anyway, I'm happy I found it even though it has absolutely no use until Day 39. I will say though that having this and knowing that, it has really motivated me to get to the end of this game. Coincidentally, HOURS before I found this, I had a conversation with Jules about how quiet this tribe has been and that I'd like to start working towards bettering our positions moving forward seeing as there are people here with more/stronger connections than either of us. I just love that I found an advantage that motivates me to start playing this game, exactly how I'd voiced to Jules about feeling a desire to start doing SOMETHING. We love a live narrative!!!! Anyway, I'm not gonna tell Jules about the legacy advantage because it's an advantage that incentivizes people to vote out the owner and have it passed on. I trust Jules, we go YEARS back and have to successful runs as allies under our belts, but this is just something I'd like to keep to myself. Earlier today I also decided that I'm probably never gonna tell Ari about it either if our paths ever (hopefully) cross in this game. I wanna surprise my bestie! At any rate, Jules did tell me that Zach and Asya seem like the type of players that only play on tribal days (at least in this case of this game) which is fine, but I've played a few super intense, intimate, and high-stakes ORGs in the past couple of years which has made me prioritize personal relationships with people over barebones game relationships. This makes dealing with people who aren't that interested in getting to know me or revealing themselves to me a SUPER off-putting experience and a drastic change of pace from what I've become accustomed to. But I'm totally capable of adapting to this environment... I just don't necessarily prefer it. I feel like I have room to connect with Asya on a personal level if given the chance. Zach and Silver I don't know. Although, I do think that if we ever lose immunity here I could for sure spit some game to Silver that would make him believe I want to work with him. I already have an idea of how that conversation goes, and the potential negative consequence of it is practically non-existent on this swap tribe, whereas it could have backfired on me if original Trian lost that third challenge. Anyway, I'll get into that whenever we lose or if I get bored and initiate that chat just to feel something lol

No tribal ever again until merge or swap please. Jessie would be the one I'd want out and I assume Jay would as well but she has Nathan's shard so, like, he'd lose that and then I lose my hope of getting both their shards and misplaying my first idol because I'm not good at survivor

Yayyyy we won immunity. Idk what much else to say except that I got 40 fuel tanks

today i am mad and sad. lost the challenge, was my fault bc purple not pink. no i will not elaborate. now ari jonathan and i have decided to save ali and vote out keegan. i hope it goes well. i am filled with anxiety. i don’t even want keegan to go, we just have to make the decision based on the fact that we don’t want to be seen as a tight alliance going into merge, and keegan can make it look like there was a crack therefore not making us look strong. but he is just sacrificial unfortunately. but we’ll see how it goes. i’m still anxious

Wow we won what a concept See what happens when we don’t throw comps ? Anyways yeah that’s it I guess lol

Honestly I I'm done with these hoes I'm ready to vote off Keegan

This is definitely a very stressful and emotional tribal. I hate that we’re voting for Ali because he is a genuinely fantastic person and under different circumstances I think we could have worked really well together in this game. But when there’s a 4-1 tribe swap and the four of us have absolutely no beef with each other, there’s not a whole lot that can be done. None of my other 3 OG Andro players come across as big move players either. So unless I’m being straight up lied to and am about to get completely blindsided, it’s looking like a unanimous Ali boot. Which is incredibly sad. I really wanted us to win out until merge so we wouldn’t have to vote him out. But such is the game. Keegan signing off (hopefully not for the last time)

#toinfinityandsurvive

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jinki-hyung · 7 years

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Im Jaebum x Male Reader

By: Admin Sherlock

Relationship ( So Far ;] ) :

You guys are friends, you prefer to hang out more with Jinyoung and Yugyeom but you can strike up conversations with him if need be. You tend to steer away from him because he gives the impression that he’s borderline homophobic- something that won’t mix well with you.

Scenario :

You accompanied them to a trip to the beach where they rented a hotel nearby and you guys decided to take a visit. Somehow you end up talking to Jaebum after Jinyoung and Yugyeom head out to get something to eat.

~ Im Jaebum / JB x Reader~

The Fine Line (Between Love & Hate)

>Your PoV<

The air was fresh, and if it wasn’t for Jaebum and I being in a table, the atmosphere would be great as well.

I don’t have anything against him, he seems like an okay guy- well, besides the rumors about him being homophobic are more than enough of a reason for me to stray away, I don’t want to have to part ways with my friends because their good friend hates me.

I sighed, looking to the beach, trying to distract myself in the beautiful blues that met.

“So, (Y/N),” Jaebum cleared his throat, and I took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself, before looking over, “We don’t talk too much despite you being good friends with Yugyeom and Jinyoung, it has me wondering from time to time you know…”

I tilted my head, intrigued, “What do you wonder?”

He seemed taken aback, blinking a few times before answering, “Well, um, things like, ‘do you hate me?’”

“I wouldn’t say I hate you,” I said, deciding to confront him on the rumors despite it being a bad idea, “I tend to stay away sometimes because of the rumors about you being homophobic, and if that was the case we wouldn’t get along- and I don’t want to lose Jinyoung and Yugyeom.”

“Why would it be an issue?” He asked as if it were okay to be homophobic.

I looked at him, dumbfounded, “I am (sexuality). It would be a really big issue if you were homophobic.”

“So, do you stick around because you like Yugyeom, or Jinyoung? DO you like both of them, or are you trying to go after another one of the members?”

I sighed, “We are friends. I am not interested in any of the members of GOT7, you guys aren’t really my type, I like guys like Seventeen’s Jihoon, or even Jae from Day6 if you want someone under the same company as you- so don’t worry about me making advances on you.”

He looked shocked, “But… they are pretty different… you like all kinds of guys so…”

“I like their cute facial features, their baby faces, and the way their hair is typically styled,” I said, “I, of course, am open to other people but those are the type of people I would go up to at a bar.”

“In this case, you went up to me,” I said, finally turning to look him straight into his eyes.

His eyes widened and he turned red, “Wha- but, it’s because we are the only two who didn’t go shopping- it’s not like I wanted to-”

I chuckled, “What a cute response,” I said, somewhat sarcastic, “If I had to go out with someone in GOT7, it might just have to be you because of those cute cheeks of yours.”

I wasn’t being serious, but his reaction showed me that he was oblivious to that.

“I- I mean, if I went out with you- you’d have to take responsibility you know- saying shit like that!”

“Does that mean you want to go out with me?” I asked, expecting the answer to be no, looking at him with a blank face.

He stayed quiet for a while, making me actually begin to wonder if he was going to say yes.

“If you want, I guess, I shouldn’t let you down,” he said, obviously uncertain, “I got a lot of slack because of the rumors- I can try to understand them with you- then we can see other people once it’s over.”

I nodded, finally understanding why he accepted, it was more for his fans than for dating me, “I don’t date people unless there is a mutual feeling, but I see this is for your fans, and since our feelings are about mutual, I’ll accept.”

He nodded slowly, “So… are we going out now?”

“Do you want me to treat you like I would a boyfriend?” I asked.

“S-sure,” he said, “Does that mean we’re boyfriends now?”

I took his hand, rubbing its back, “I guess it does.”

The whole conversation was nothing like what I would have expected- I thought I was going to lose my friends, but instead, I got a boyfriend.

It was time to go to sleep, and since Jaebum and I decided to keep our new relationship a secret, for now, I decided to keep skinship on a low, but I needed to push the roommates situation for him to realize that if he wants to continue, it’s gonna be serious.

I walked into Jaebum’s hotel room, thanking the hotel employee for letting me in, “What are you doing here?”

The door closed behind me, and I brought my suitcase in behind me, “You are my boyfriend, we should be able to share a room.”

I set my stuff against a wall, “You were about to take a shower, right? Go in before me, I need to get out some clothes.”

He hummed, still looking a bit shocked, “Okay, I’ll go ahead then…”

I walked up to him right as he was about to enter the restroom, “Don’t have too much fun without me Jaebum,” I whispered, kissing his forehead, “Now go wash yourself up,” I said, spanking him as if to make him move faster, which he did, after stealing a shocked glance from me.

I got my clothes and got a towel ready, then I began to scroll through social media on my phone, apparently, some fans saw Jaebum and I at the beach, luckily no one was close enough to notice I was holding his hand.

After a while, I heard the bathroom door open, and when I looked up, I saw Jaebum standing in front of me half naked, with only a towel around his waist.

I gawked for a second, before getting up, he didn’t realize that he was being seductive- especially the towel was so easy to drop.

I got close to him, making his eyes widen, “Trying to seduce me on the first day huh,” I asked rhetorically, running a finger up his spine, a move that turned my past boyfriends into putty, which did a number on him as well, “I usually take things slow, but you seem eager.”

He was so red, and it was extremely visible because of how much skin he exposed, “I- I didn’t think- sorry,” he mumbled, covering his chest with his arms.

“It’s alright baby, I won’t rush you,” I said, slowly rubbing his lower back, “Whenever you want to, I’m ready for you.”

I kissed his neck before leaving to go take a shower, taking my time, remembering the cute moments I didn’t Jaebum had in him.

Once I had taken a shower, I changed, not wanting to intimidate him too much, only putting on sweats and underwear, leaving my towel around my shoulders to catch the droplets from my hair.

He was sitting on the bed with his legs crossed, glasses on, which I assumed were for reading, and now, with pajamas, sweats and a white shirt.

“You look really cute, those glasses suit you,” I said, making him look up.

“You think so,” he said, seeming happy, “I don’t wear them often because they get mixed reviews,” he said, looking up at me earnestly, “I am glad you liked them.”

I felt my heart skip a beat at the level of adorableness, but I remained calm, “No problem,” I said, sitting beside him, noticing his hair had dried and seemed really soft.

I reached out to pat his head, and when it was indeed, really fucking soft, I began stroking his hair, enjoying the sensation, which I could probably enjoy every once in a while for the next few weeks.

He looked up at me, before suddenly looking scandalized, “(Y/N)! Your hair,” he exclaimed, “You didn't dry it properly!”

He put down the book, sitting up on his knees, taking the towel and rubbing my hair with it, “What if you got sick- what would you do then!”

I looked up at him who was attentively drying my hair as if his life depended on it, “I’d have my boyfriend take care of me.”

He slowly began to stop, leaving the towel on my head as he shriveled back to his previous position, “You- you shouldn’t depend on me too much…” he mumbled, “You’d probably get me sick too.”

I took to towel off, looking at Jaebum, who was now laying down, facing the window, away from me.

I laid beside him, scooting closer so I was right behind him, before hugging him, “You’re right, sorry,” I said, murmuring into his ear, “Is this okay?”

He hummed, not saying anything afterward, and after a while, he got up to turn off the lights, getting back into our position without a word.

“Good night Jaebum.”

“Good night.”

It’s been about three months since Jaebum and I started going out, which probably has the both of us surprised, but the most surprising thing is, I don’t really want to see the end of this relationship.

Somewhere along the first-month mark, I admitted to myself that I had feelings for him, which was difficult, knowing we both knew this relationship wasn’t going to last long.

I’m pretty sure the other guys have noticed our sudden change too, the skinship is above average, especially since it’s with Jaebum, but I purposefully engage in some with Jinyoung and Yugyeom for Jaebum’s sake- for us not to get caught.

“Yugyeom, how’ve you been,” I said, smiling when I saw the maknae open the door for me.

“Missing you,” he teased, smiling from ear to ear, “Come inside, Jinyoung’s making food and Jaebum is having a tantrum in his room.”

I raised a brow, “A tantrum? What’s that about,” I said, chuckling, but I was more amused than anything.

“He’s been in a mood ever since I came back from the movies with you yesterday,” he mused, “Seems like he wanted to watch Spiderman too, but he didn’t tell you because you invited me.”

I sighed, he gets into these moods every now and then, it just takes a little pep talk to get him back, “I’ll go check up on him.”

I waved to the other members, not needing to offer an explanation to where I was going.

When I opened the door to Jaebum’s room, I saw him on his bed with his cats, petting one of them with a blank expression on his face.

“What’s wrong Jaebummie,” I asked, greeting Nora when I walked in, petting her before walking towards him.

He didn’t seem happy to see me, not in the slightest, “Fucking hell,” he mumbled, “Why are you here?”

I raised a brow, sitting at the edge of his bed, petting Odd, “I wanted to hang out with everyone,” I said simply, “Yugyeom told me you threw a tantrum and were in your in.”

He scowled, “Everyone is outside, go hang out with them,” he said, displaying more attitude than usual.

I let Odd get off my lap, getting closer to Jaebum, placing my hand on his shoulder, “What’s wrong Jaebummie,” I asked, concerned if the movie really was the issue.

“Do me a favor and fuck off,” he glared, shocking me, “I don’t need your bull right now.”

I scoffed, “Okay then,” I nodded, “Do you need me at all? Yugyeom told me you’ve been acting strange lately.”

He pressed his lips together, “Then go to your Yugyeomie, I don’t need you,” he said, “The reason why I’ve been strange is because you’re being annoying, just leave.”

By now I would usually be kissing his hair and taking his hand to bring him to the members, but I realized the case today was that he just didn’t want to be with me.

“I’ll give you a break then,” I sneered, trying to cover my hurt with anger, he didn’t know I loved him anyway, “Better yet, why don’t we just break up- your bigoted ass’s been way too tight lately- you don’t need to fake it anymore.”

I sighed, “It took you long enough to tell me,” I lied, “Too bad your gay trial didn’t go well huh, didn’t even get to feel good, I would have loved to make you mine.”

The last part was supposed to be sarcastic, yet I let something truthful slip, “Bye Nora, it was nice getting to know you,” I said, petting her before leaving the room.

Jinyoung was waiting outside, “Everything good now?”

“It should be,” I grimaced, “I need to head back home, see you guys.”

I didn’t bother saying bye to the other members, just leaving and heading out to my car, driving without aim.

I ended up at the beach where we went that one time, it seriously was such a bitch for letting a relationship like this happen, it had no real love yet one of us had to get dragged in and get hurt.

I took out my phone, sitting at the table where Jaebum and I once talked, reminiscing on how I could have turned him down to avoid the relationship.

I tried calling Jinyoung, to tell him I wasn’t going to come by anymore, but there was no reception, so I went to my car to look for somewhere that did have some, driving towards the hotel, getting a few bars there, parking before making the call.

“Hey, Jinyoung.”

“(Y/N)? What happened, Jae-”

“I don’t want to talk about him,” I sighed, “I just wanted to let you know I won’t be coming around anymore, I have a lot of stuff I need to take care of, you and Yugyeom can text me if you need anything.”

“(Y/N) what are you talking about, you need to-”

The call was cut off, making me look at my phone, now dead.

I sighed, about to leave, when I realized I had no more gas.

My luck seemed to get even better.

I went walking back to the beach laying on the sand, it was pretty cold, but it was fresh enough for me to get my mind off of the negativity.

I woke up a while later, not knowing how long I’d been asleep for, but it seemed to do the trick.

I walked back to the infamous table, staring at my dead phone, wondering what was going on over there, before knocking myself out of it, they shouldn’t concern me anymore.

I saw some cars pass by, counting them as some sort of entertainment.

One, in particular, had parked by the beach, probably wanting to enjoy the night time solitude, unlucky for them I was already here.

I saw a tall guy run out of the car, followed by a shorter one, well gay couples probably come out during the night so they don’t have to deal with other people’s shit- I know from experience.

The tall guy was walking, before I heard him yell, starting to run towards me.

The closer he got, the faster I realized it was Yugyeom, making me furrow my brows, why was he here, how’d he know I was going to be here if even I didn’t know.

“(Y/N)! Why don’t you pick up your phone!” He yelled, out of breath.

“It died, I ran out of gas too.”

“What luck,” he sighed, “Are you okay? We were all worried you did something stupid or something- Jaebum told me you might be here, the other guys went looking elsewhere.”

I sighed, “Why would he be concerned,” I asked, salty.

“What? He was the one who was most hysterical! I had to calm him down!”

I didn’t want to believe him, “Then why isn’t he here?”

“He was right behind me,” he said, looking behind me, making my stomach drop, he’s here?

I saw another figure ways back, anxiously watching him approach me, making eye contact with him, making him freeze.

He turned around, starting to walk back, making me sigh.

“What’s wrong with you!” Yugyeom yelled, running towards him, starting to talk to him, but they were too far away, I couldn’t hear.

After a while, Yugyeom pulled Jaebum towards me, “I don’t know what’s up between you two, but fix it,” he exclaimed, frustrated, “I’m going to wait near the car, I’m gonna wait for the two of you.”

Jaebum stood near the table, not saying a word, only the crashing waves and the sound of Yugyeom walking away was heard.

“What do you want,” I asked, surprised when I saw him shrivel up a bit.

He gulped, looking towards Yugyeom, before looking down.

I stood up, “What’s wrong Jae?” I asked, now concerned, he’s never looked this upset.

I reached out to rub his arm, watching him flinch, look at me as if I’d just tried to assault him.

I remembered we have broken up, retracting my hand, “Jaebum, why are you acting like this?”

He bit his lip, taking a deep breath, “I- I want to know too,” he mumbled, “But- you- yesterday, instead of going with me you went with Yugyeom,” he said, his words choppy, “I’m not supposed to be bothered- but I think you’ll just go- I mean, I don’t know…”

He put his hands in his hair, “Jaebum, is this because you were jealous?” I asked, unable to believe it myself, “Did you think going to the movies with Yugyeom made it a date?”

He chuckled, “It’s stupid right,” he said, “I just started thinking yesterday- if I’m… was your boyfriend, why did you see that movie with him- I like those movies too you know.”

“Jaebum,” I said, catching his attention, looking him in his deep brown eyes, “Do you like me?”

He turned red, suddenly flustered, “Wh-what?! How- no- we- it was just-” he said, going through an internal struggle.

I took a step closer to him, finally understanding why he had been such an asshole, “I love you Jaebum,” I declared, making him stop, suddenly look up, “I’ve loved you for a while, but for you not to notice I started to hang out with Yugyeom and Jinyoung more, I knew the relationship was just for you to see what it was like to be in a relationship with another man, so I never told you.”

He stared at me, not speaking for a long while, “So… you like me too,” he asked, before covering his mouth, admitting he liked me as well.

“I love you Jaebum,” I said, stepping closer, wrapping my hands around his hips, pulling him closer.

“W-wait,” he said, putting his hands on my chest, “We-we’re in public, we- you-”

“No one is here,” I said softly, comforting him enough for him to relax a bit.

“Then… I- I probably- probably like you, um, too,” he managed, and I was so happy.

I nuzzled my head into his neck, “I’m so glad,” I hummed, feeling him shiver.

I pulled my head back after a while, “Can I kiss you?”

He turned red, “You always do without asking…”

“I’m talking about on the lips,” I whispered, ghosting his lips, feeling him shiver again.

“I… I wouldn’t mind…” he said, slowly closing his eyes, making me smile.

I closed my own eyes, feeling electricity when I finally kissed him, egging him on to reprocreate the kiss.

He eventually did, making me try to push it a step further, making it more intense by biting his lips to let me insert my tongue.

He was surprised, caught off guard, not given a chance to fight back, eventually pulling back making me notice his slightly bucking hips.

“What did you think?”

He looked up at me, glaring, “That was more than just a kiss-”

I smiled, “Sorry, I was just waiting so long for that.”

“Did you think I wasn’t?”

Bonus:

We walked back to the car, the chauffeur distracted on his phone, while Yugyeom began howling, “Oww~! I finally know why the two of you have been acting so buddy-buddy,” he laughed, making Jaebum glare at him, clenching his fist, ready to strike.

I placed my hand on top of his, making him look over to me, and I gave him a knowing look, making him go red once more, “Just- don’t tell the guys yet Yugyeom- it’s um, embarrassing.”

His voice went soft, amusing Yugyeom, “Okay I won’t, but what’s in it for me?”

It was my turn to glare at Yugyeom, and when he realized I was, he backed down, “You know what- I’ll just do it out of the goodness of my heart and for the love of you guys, fighting!” After that he got back into the car, not wanting to say anything else.

Jaebum looked at me incredulously, “What’d you just do?”

“I protected my baby,” I teased, smiling.

He pouted, trying to scowl, yet it was obvious by his pink cheeks that he was happy.

“Idiot.”

#request #by someone on wattpad #who i forgot to tag on wattpad #fml #jaebum #jb #mlm got7

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