#im waiting on a dr appt to get my meds sorted out but in the meantime im not rly in a good place rn lmao

[tenebrio-obscurus]

So what do you guys recommend as practice to be able to actually *feel* energies, spirits, metaphysical forces, etc? Like there have been times in my life when i’ve managed to attune briefly to such things but it’s so rare and difficult without outside help or exactly the right circumstances. Pursuing my path is something i want to do so much but sometimes i feel like my “third eye” is made of lead. ADHD and depression are likely a big part of my problem but i just wanted to see if anyone had any (preferably low-spoon) suggestions or advice

[lamphous]

posting this at 1 am knowing full well no one will see it due to this site's lack of algo but:

personal update under the cut, feel free to keep scrolling lol—unless you are my literal brother! robert, don't read this, it's mostly stuff u know but the rest I'll tell you tomorrow ok?)

(and uhhh general medical tw and, spoilers, cancer tw, fyi)

if you follow my fandom twit you'll already know this since that inexcpliably became my outlet for this whole thing, but I wanted to say smth here both bc I've had this blog for literally 9 years and also genuinely consider some of you friends! if you know me irl DON'T FREAK OUT tho, it's ok

(also spoons are nonexistent lmao so fyi if you dm me I love & appreciate you but v v likely won't respond)

so basically: second week of september I felt a lump in my throat. this was the second time this happened (on july 31 sometime between dinner and bed it went from nothing to visible & sore, but I could breathe and swallow fine by the time I could get a doctor's appt it had stopped hurting & gotten smaller, so I didn't go bc $$$) and it was the same spot, but things were slightly better mid sept than in july and I was able to get an in-person appointment.

ultrasound, biopsy, etc, and oct 12 I found out it was cancerous—papillary thyroid, to be specific.

anyway, I'm saying this now bc I had surgery today so I actually have like. good news to report. eh, maybe. my surgeon is very good (despite his office being in fucking,, coon rapids, the bitch interned at beth israel! also we dress. exactly the same.) but they ended up having to take the whole thing out + some lymph nodes when going in it was looking like it was gonna be just the one half, the only place they found stuff before, so I have to take meds for... the rest of my life, and also I don't have any wrinkles or creases in my neck so now I'm gonna have this super visible scar lmao

but it's gone! (for now knock on wood knock on wood) and since I moved back home for the year and am not taking classes & unemployable atm lmao I can just convalesce. this whole thing has been just... exhausting and really bad for my anxiety (like basically all my triggers lmao, things visible under skin, needles, my neck in general, choking, cancer, *stefon voice* this experience has EVERYTHING) but the waiting and the scheduling and the all of that has truly been some of the worst, so I'm glad to finally have something done about it, y'know?

THIS IS SO WORDY!!!! OOPS. tl;dr — >i have cancer >are u ok >im alright but i have cancer

(also bc I know some kind soul is going to ask abt it, with my parents help I'm probably gonna be fine, but my paypal.me/ & venmo.com/ are both mildlydiscouraging)

(if you send me ANYTHING tho I will CRY and I absolutely will not know what to say bc idk how to take money from friends & acquaintaces so I probably won't say anything, just remember your name forever) (no such qualms abt strangers tho lmao) (the forever thing's not a joke btw, I still remember the name of the person I heard say I have beautiful handwriting across the room in 5th grade. I'm a life debt sort of person.)

[thesoftestcloud]

none of this is going to be coherent and you dont have to read it im writing it for myself,,   

this morning my mom came and picked me up and drove me to the psych clinic appointment and i cried the whole way there, we sat in the waiting room for like a hundred years and i was dying the whole time and then when the dr eventually came and got us there was no room available so we were just standing in the hallway like idiots for a while until one was free. my mother was with me at first and she did all the talking i was just sat staring at the floor sobbing and shaking and wanted to Die and the dr started talking about my self harm issues which my mother Did Not Know About cus i don’t think she needs to know about it but.  she does now lol. then i was asked to fill out one of those ‘on a scale of 0-5′ forms and they both left the room, i filled it out it took like 5 seconds and then they? never fucking came back????? well they did but they took forever and by this point i was a proper mess so i was like . thinking they forgot abt me or maybe im nnot real and i was like looking arounf the room for things to **** *****f with it was Real Bad but mom came back in like 10 minutes later, she’d been to the restroom and then waited right outside the door the whole time thinking i was in there talking to the doctor but i wasn’t obviously. so we waited in this room for what felt like a solid year but realistically it was probably at least 15 minutes and i was freaking out i was so sure she’d like finished for the day and went home or smth,,,, when she Finally returned she had been trying to get ahold of one of her colleauges to discuss what sort of medication to put me on temporarily but they were too busy or something so she never actually talked to them so i didn’t get any meds. Also, it turns out this appointment wasn’t actually meant to like, do anything for me at all she wasn’t going to prescribe me with anything to begin with and did not inted to set up any sort of treatment plan or literally do Anything At All, she won’t be treating me i will never see her again it was just meant to be like ??? something to trick me into thinking i’m getting help while i wait for a real first evaluation appt in like a month or smth??? so basically it was completely unnecessary??? i had to go thru that for literally nothing lmao???? and they called it an “emergency psychiatric appointment” ??? why call it that if they don’t intend to do anything at all to help u,,,?  what the fuck honestly??? .....so yea i went it was absolutely horrendous and nothing came of it i wouldve been better off staying at home lmao