#imagine if I just misheard something and spiraled over nothing

[spork-supremacy]

seabound thoughts

was watching one of the episodes the other day, five thousand fathoms down, I think. There were like two seperate things in that episode tho that either confused me or kinda got me mad at the writing. also I don't remember much lore from this season and watched the episode in isolation so please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

The confusing thing was when Zane mentioned the merlopian language to be older that the First Spinjitzu master. You know. God.

This of course implies that there was a realm before the FSM was there. Yes this makes sense in hindsight because all the realms probably needed to preexist before him, but the fact that there is a 'first'realm is making me question how the others came into creation because I just thought the dude created the other 15? maybe 14 (because the sister realm rule implies there was a realm connected to the first one)? realms himself. Or maybe he just created Ninjago himself and some other being created the other 14.

I digress, but this does seem to mean that the FSM came to what may have just been a pre-existing sea realm and used the power of earth to create NInjago and raised the land. Therefore when we say "He created Ninjago" we just mean the continent itself, not the realm.

Therefore without his intervention the realm we know as Ninjago was originally the realm of merlopia. Just needed to write that down because man, it was confusing me.

Another small thing I got a little peeved about was Maya's whole "You've never made a tough sacrifice in your life thing" to Nya.

I understand as a character Maya may not know about Skybound and the whole sacrifice Nya made during the last resort, which I must say would have been a hard choice, the options being "I go and we save the wish." or "He goes and since Nadakhan is so focused on marrying me he won't bother with anyone else to get infinite wishes."

(Side track for a second to say how I actually really like the scene because you could complain that Nya was falling into a mysoginistic damsel in distress role, but I like to see it as her making a selfless choice and completing that arc she has about trusting Jay. This arc is present mainly because he lies or hides the truth a lot this season. And she shows her trust by trusting him to save her.)

I look at this scene and think about how from a writing perspective it is trying to tell the audience two things. one the obvious forshadowing of the ending, and two, Nya has never made a sacrifice as bad as what Ray and Maya went through.

It feels like that second thing is so wrong tho, like we don't give the ninja enough credit for the shit they face, y'know.

like feel free to also share thoughts on these things too.

[anlian-aishang]

“Cascades”

One on your bed. Two in your head.

Word count: 2400 Tags: levi x reader x erwin, smut, jealousy, bdsm, spanking, cuckolding, brief breeding kink mention, fem!reader

You had paid no mind to it, you had thought nothing of it, but that turned out to be the problem.

Levi had told you to enjoy it, but maybe you had a little too much. It was careless, but could you have helped yourself? That plaything he bought you, all eight inches of it, had stretched you thin and reached the places you never knew existed. It was not the same as having sex with him - it was a different world entirely.

Of course, you missed his capable hands, his attentive tongue, the way his body could overtake yours completely. It was not that he was lacking by any means. If anything, the toy lacked what he had. However, its impossible length, its pronounced girth - even if not for the heat of the moment, there was no way you could have pretended it was him.

There was one person, though, who you could imagine being this size.

E-Erwin…!

Levi heard you call outside the bedroom door.

At first, he thought he misheard, but the breaths and pants that ensued were well-familiar to him. You… you… were climaxing to the idea of his superior. It was one of the few things that could make his jaw drop, that could make his envy uncontainable. Incorporating sex toys into your love life, his mind had run wild with possibilities, but this was one he never could have predicted.

Maybe it was his fault for buying you such a device. How could he not have expected you to cry out? It was precisely 5 PM when it happened - was there any chance you timed it this way? Surely, you knew he would be home just then, there to hear it just then. His thoughts spiraled at that point. Mad at himself for being so naive, for gifting you something he was no match for. Angry at you for reasons he could not articulate.

Pure red blinded his vision, his reasoning, his composure - and how to rectify the situation.

// // //

It was not the first time he had tied you up like this.

But there was a painfully obvious change from all prior times - so much so, that you felt your eyes well with tears, your skin start to swell, your saliva spilling over your lips and pooling onto the sheets underneath you.

Despite all this, you heard that harsh current of air as he whipped his arm back. Again. His hardened palm crashed down on your ass - stuck straight up for him. The smack resounded throughout the room and resonated within you both.

Those minutes ago, when he intertwined his fingers with yours, took you to the bedroom, and kissed you tenderly, you thought it was just the beginning of another night together. Instead, this sex was distinct from all others; it was the first time it ever hurt this bad.

A warm wet dripped down your thigh. Was it sweat from your endurance? Blood from his spanking? Arousal from all of it? You could not tell, but regardless of origin, this was a feeling you had never felt before.

You clenched the ropes that stretched from your wrists to the headboard, hissing as he slapped again. You always prided yourself on the fact that you could take it from humanity’s strongest, but tonight, you felt yourself about to break. Had he been holding back all the times before? Or had something gotten to him tonight?

You whipped your head around, eyes meeting him at your behind. Clenched teeth, angled brows, an expression of anger over desire. “L-Levi?”

“What?” A backhand this time. “Can’t take it?”

“N-N… Ahh!” He spanked you again, interrupting your sentiment. “I… I just…!”

Levi snickered at your pathetic state, and at the sound, you felt chills course from head to toe. There was not an ounce of cuteness to it. A laugh that told you: this was far from funny.

His voice was kind on your ears, his contact menacing on your skin. Overstimulated beyond words, he had broken your filter. “Levi!” You cried. “What - What’s gotten into you?!”

He snarled, “Should’ve asked you the same thing.”

“H’huh?”

Levi spoke past grit teeth. “Are you just plain evil or were you just that stupid?” Ever since then, he had not stopped thinking about it. Still, though, he had yet to arrive at an answer. In between smacks, he asked. “Did you plan it that way, to scream Erwin’s name the second I came home? Or are you just that in love with him that you couldn’t help yourself?”

With two deliberate blinks, you finally saw through the blur of your tears. Clearly, he was pissed off, jealous, livid, but past that, you caught what no one else would. A pang of heartbreak and betrayal. The quiver of his lip, the flicker in his eyes, the heavy breaths from his bare chest, his actions asked what his voice would not: How could you?

On hands and knees, Levi backed off the bed, leaving you and your aching body yearning. The signs of his weakness wavered - lips returned to their thin line, gaze to that steadiness, regularity to his breathing. Maybe with his absence, you would start to miss him. Maybe if he left you, you would get a taste of how he felt.

He had not left the room yet, but already, you longed for him. An apology was meant, but rushed, as you tried to stop him - his hand already on the doorknob. “Wait!” You cried, “Levi, I…”

Levi turned back towards the bed, his attention stapled soundly above you. His lips parted, but not for words. A smirk that made your heart race and your sex singe. Seething to satisfied in just a split second. It was not any knock on the door, but the clock above the headrest that told him: tonight’s guest had arrived.

His fingers curled over the cold metal, “Don’t look so sad, darling.” His wrist began to turn, “I’ve got a big surprise for you.”

The door was slow opening, but to you, it felt like a lightning strike. Backlit from the hallway lights, you could not make out the person’s face. What you could see, though, was the figure. The six-foot silhouette - it could only be one person.

E-Erwin…!

// // //

Arms went numb. A neon ring in your ears. All too much to take in.

First, there was the introduction. There you were, completely naked, strewn out on the bed and tied by the wrists. There was no way you could cover yourself - maybe tucking in your legs - but that was not your inclination. Totally bare and utterly shameless in front of the man.

Then, there was the set-up. Introverted, reserved, the Levi you knew - how on earth did he institute this? What did he tell Erwin? How did he convince him to take part in this? Did he even need convincing?

Finally, there was his approach: paced, driven, unrelenting. Those crystal blue eyes and commanding stature spared you not even a second. The closer he came, the more you could decipher in him. His tongue sparkled between his teeth, anticipation in his hands, a shadow in his pants which were coming unbuttoned.

But just like the masturbation that had led to this scene, you were too incapacitated to think twice. That same fantasy you established on your night alone - well, the night you thought you were alone - you were brought right back to it as it unfolded in front of you.

“(Y/N).” Erwin reached over his back and bunched his cotton shirt in his hands, slowly and surely pulling it up, over, off.

You swallowed, panting, “E-Erwin.”

A coy smile tainted his lips, “I heard you called?”

Wants cascaded from there.

You flashed a nervous glance to Levi. Nearly gone was the anger that had drenched him whole - blatant was his satisfaction in watching this all play out, seeing his plan come together. The corners of his lips inclined, his pupils wide and dilated, the motions of his hand around his member - clearly enjoying the view. It was as if this was all some strange dream, however, you knew it had to be real life. Your mind never could have formulated such a thing whether awake and deliberate or asleep and accidental.

Further proof was the blonde man’s touch on your skin: unmistakable, hot, entire. His hands, big and strong, swallowed you whole - starting at your ankles, crawling up your calves and thighs, dancing through your panties, one landing at your breast, one at the crook of your neck.

Gentle yet purposeful was his tilt, bringing you to a kiss shared with him. Eyes once again shot open to your tried lover - his dissent still absent. As your tongues tangoed, you could have sworn you saw him bite his lip, a sign of his approval to say the least.

Erwin knit his brows, tasting a clash of sweet and salty: the former, he assumed, of you - the latter of his right-hand man. For as long as Levi was on your tongue, he must have been on your mind as well. Teeth grazed your lips, a gateway that allowed him to explore deeper in and down your throat. By the end of the night, he would erase all evidence of your raven head. You would become all his, even if just for tonight.

Even in leisure, even in lust, Erwin’s mind never took a rest: missions and priorities constantly swirling. Some called it a blessing, some a curse. Always, though, it meant that he gave his all in everything he did.

And tonight, you were his everything.

// // //

If you had known better, you would not have called Erwin’s name either.

Your intuition had been right - his size was accurate to what you envisioned. But no, no matter how strong your muscles were, no matter how fast you bounced, no matter how rhythmic your riding, no matter no matter no matter - that toy Levi gifted you then and the toy Levi gifted you tonight were on different playing fields entirely.

The bed shook. The walls cracked.

Your body sang with stimulation. Your throat ran raw with screams.

His blonde turned sepia with sweat. His length coated in a sheen of white.

Barely managing a squint, you peeked to the chair in the corner of the room. For as hard as Erwin was fucking you, just the sight of Levi now gave you all those same sensations.

A bright pink flush on his cheeks, within his chest, through his cock. Uneven inhales and shaky exhales riddled his being with instability. Humanity’s strongest was helpless to himself. The scene he set up had weakened him to a mere puppet - grip yanking his length, fingers thrown in his hair. As his heartbeat accelerated, as his lungs labored, he realized with a twisted clarity: the only ones who could bring him down were his girlfriend, his commander, his own self.

Past all the chaos of metal clangs, plaster smacks, and skin slaps, your ears picked up their favorite sound - Levi’s voice. The swift curses under his breath, the uncontainable hahs and ahhs, while Erwin was the one who was giving it to you, he was not the only one bringing you there. There was a single man on your bed, a couple on your mind.

One eye squeezed shut, overwhelmed with pleasure. One eye merely a slit, drinking up all he could of the view. Having you get obliterated, he was enjoying it as much as you were. Maybe it was sadistic - to relish in your crying, shrieking, jolting, flinching, but you had earned it for the filthy fucking whore you were.

But maybe, it was the opposite. On the other side of that coin, he loved you, adored you, worshipped at your feet. To see you strung out with pleasure, to watch you get fucked so passionately, persistently, perfectly, to hear your angelic voice pitched in pure bliss, it brought him to heaven as well. You were such a good girl to him, you deserved the world, least of all - a good fucking. If this was what it took, he would enlist Erwin’s services again and again.

And denial it would be, to say he was not enjoying the sights as well. The way Erwin’s muscles rippled with each and every thrust he gave you - the way your body reacted immediately after. The quaking of the bed in rhythm with the quaking of your thighs. Deepest grunts harmonized with your lightest pants - a song he could not remove from repeat. In both of you, in all of you, there was vulnerability and weakness unlike you had ever seen in these men, unlike they had ever seen in each other.

It was all coming together.

Perfectly.

At once.

The pace Erwin moved with, it was one you had felt with Levi too. The one that screamed as he did:

“Fuck… Fuck!!”

Instinct had taken over. It was no longer just you, your appearance, your warm wet walls clenched around him. It was rules of nature now: he was going to cum. Not just that, but he was going to see his mission through: to purify you from signs of Levi, to have the remnants of this night stay within you for a while.

Erwin was first.

Any doubt that this was real was then torn to shreds. White hot seed filled you up, even spilling out, a phenomenon you never knew possible. For a split second, a thought you would never admit to anyone - not even yourself, you wondered what would happen if… Say there was some obligation that kept you three bound forever - that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Crying Erwin’s name had led you to this, if Levi knew that you wanted to have his children, oh - you could only imagine what would happen then.

You came second.

It was as if he was having a wet dream: you were the star, Erwin the toy, Levi the lone audience. Pure, sweet, innocent woman gives in to temptation - punished by her boyfriend, fucked by his best friend twice her size. Both the figures in front of him fit the role so perfectly, they did not have to act at all. Floodgates rose in his hips and in his mind. A filthy laugh was masqueraded by the vocals of his peak: if only you knew that you were not the first to fantasize over Erwin.

Levi finished last.

// // //

Your collapse, Erwin’s collapse, they were immediate. It had taken all you had to receive it from him, it had taken all he had to provide it to you. Completely drained but wholly fulfilled.

It took a few deep breaths, a handful of recovering minutes, but Levi managed the short walk from the recliner to the mattress. Even with the overnight guest, he still fit in perfectly at your side - the only difference being the strong forearms that met over your midriff, neither of the men minding nor moving.

Taking turns, you each would wake up from fever dreams - not imaginative of their own doings, but replications of the wild night that had just transpired. Staring up at the ceiling, through the skylight, at the other two sleeping, you three would go through those midnight thoughts that could not be ignored - of what you truly longed for and how much you longed for it.

Come the morning, the three of you would wake up together.

Desires would cascade from there.

// masterlist //

[aspiringhorrorauthor]

hello, PLEASE tell me your aroace analysis of the black parade album, i would like to see it 👀👀

What up guys, I just passed a vet med practice exam and I’m aroace and emo as fuck so let’s do this

 First off, I will preface that I know that this wasn’t quite MCR’s idea of the album, but art is interpretive and I will at every possible opportunity rub my grubby little aroace hands all over that shit. This is also gonna get long so here’s a read more

 Okay so first off, let me just exclude the following songs from this interpretation simply because they are exactly as they appear: The End, Dead!, Welcome to the Black Parade, Sleep, Teenagers and Blood. I can’t find anything to really psychoanalyse in this regarding the aroace experience so much as they are about the emo experience. And also, as a heads up, I feel this may teter more into aromantic interpretation than asexual simply because that’s how I roll, baby.

Let’s start with ‘This Is How I Disappear’, there’s something in here that strikes me as ‘coming to terms with being aroace Very Badly’, that first onset of panic when you realise ‘oh crap, I’m not allo’. I didn’t have the ‘hell yeah no sexual/romantic attraction oh wait there’s a word for that?’ realisation often stated online, I was in a lot of denial, especially when I first started listening to this album.

The lines “And without you is how I disappear/and live my life alone forever now” really strikes this message to me. The gnawing sense of loneliness and isolation when you first realise that you’re not like everyone else, that ‘living a life alone’ is both what you want from life and dread, as an amatonormative society drills into every one of us that love and relationships is what makes us important in life, and without it we will simply disappear. The line hits home the pain of questioning, the horror of when you realise this is who you likely are before you can truly accept it. It’s not a pretty part of being aroace, it wasn’t for me, but it is an important one, and the lines always hit home to me in this era.

Added on to this is a sense of how we’re seen in media. Consider the line “Who walks among the famous living dead”. There’s a real push in amatonormativity that love and romance is what makes us human, what makes us alive, and without it, we’re not human. Therefore, by extension, the aromantic narrator is ‘not alive’ by these standards, nor is their community they’ve yet to find. This is also doubled down by the monster symbolism throughout the song; especially when I was younger, aromantic (and asexual) coded characters in media were always the bad guys, the monsters who could only be stopped by the unstoppable power of love; the narrator is lamenting how this part of themselves seems monstrous, evil to society, when really that isn’t true, and this evolves over the course of the album.

Let’s move on to The Sharpest Lives. This is less aroace specific, but it certainly seems like a downward spiral of the narrator, which carries on from the self-loathing of Disappear. There’s really only 1 line I want to talk about here: “Juliet loves the beat and the lust it commands/Drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, Romeo”. This is an obvious allusion to Romeo and Juliet, but it turns on its head the usual story of Romeo and Juliet being in love; Juliet doesn’t love Romeo, she just loves the beat, and Romeo is taking it too far. This speaks to another experience, not exclusive to aromantics, but definitely strongly felt in it, when someone misinterprets the relationship or your feelings and tries to push for romance when all you wanted was a good time. I had an awful experience of this myself, so I’m claiming this one for the aroaces.

(As an aside, I got into MCR around the same time we did Romeo and Juliet at school, so imagine little me, not knowing she’s aroace and sick to death of talking about romance at school and hearing this line. To say I lost my shit was an understatement. I ADORE that line.)

Next up is ‘I Don’t Love You’. I’ve talked about this one before on my blog, but this is the song that really gives it away to me that this album is very strongly catered towards aroaces. “But it’s a break up song!” No, it’s not, if you look at it from the correct angle. Also I’ve gone to further lengths with other break up songs so try me bitches (See: Love Drunk by Boys Like Girls being about disregarding amatonormativity rather than breaking up with someone. It’s so damn obvious too)

Here’s the short of it: I Don’t Love You is actually about falling out with a friend because you had entirely different ideas as to what it was you wanted from your relationship. The aro narrator wants it to remain friends; they’re happy with where they are, and doesn’t want it to change. The other ‘person’ in the song is alloromantic, and wants it to become a romantic relationship. The most important line for this is the most important line in the song: “When you go, would you even turn to say, I don’t love you like I did yesterday”. Let’s focus on the word choice here: ‘Like I did yesterday’. When allos talk about love, they talk about the amount; if this was about falling out of love, it would reflect that, that the other person in the song loves them less, not differently. The narrator is lamenting that their friend no longer loves them as a friend; the friend’s view of love has changed, they love them romantically, and less as a friend as a result, and the narrator’s insistence on remaining friends has highlighted this.

What’s more, I don’t think this is the first time the narrator has gone through this. Admittedly, I misheard one of the lines for years and I insist the line is “Another time was just another blow” but I’m not American so we don’t have dollars, and this is about me and my interpretation of the album so we’re in this ride together and I’m driving so lets do this. The song is very pained, you can hear it in Gerard’s voice, and there’s so little about the pain of losing a friend, especially when they wanted romance from you, that this song really speaks to.

What really gets me though is how the narrator is clearly still struggling with being aroace too. Let’s consider the line “Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading”. The narrator clearly isn’t at ease with their identity yet; maybe they wish they could keep their friend, but their placing their boundaries down, even though its costing a friend. These boundaries are important, and its important for our friends to respect them too. And listening to, and singing along to, this song really makes me proud for the narrator in a sort of self-love kind of way when you couldn’t love yourself.

Final matter on this song: the narrator still thinks of them as a friend, which is tearing the narrator apart. Yes, the line “Don’t ever think I’ll make you try to stay” might make you think differently, but I believe that’s the narrator setting their boundaries; they’re not going to become an item just to please their friend and make them stay. Instead lets look at “Better get out while you can”. The narrator sees that their different views on the relationship is incompatible, and suggests they ‘fall out’ before their friend gets too caught up, and the rejection pains them both even more.

Now for House of Wolves. Not a long to say on this one, but I see it as being about media and ace exclusionists. See, the song flips between another character seeing the narrator as an angel and as a sinner simultaneously; just as how the media depicts asexual/aromatic/aroace people as non-human, that our sexuality (or lack thereof) makes us incomplete (the sinner aspect), while exclusionists say that we must be loved by the same media (and by religion too) for being aspec (the angel aspect). The song flip flops between them very rapidly, a state of confusion that felt very poignant for me when I was questioning in the height of the ace discourse.

Okay Mama is just here not for interpretation but because my English teacher once told us to analyse songs for her to mark as revision for exams and she loves long songs and kept making us analyse them so I analysed Mama and handed that in and got an A*. So Mama said AroAce rights that day.

Disenchanted is another strange one, filled with lines that mean more to aroace interpretation than the song itself. It spoke to me most when I was on my year out, having failed to get into uni despite good grades, still struggling with coming to terms with being aromantic, and dealing with severe anxiety. All in all, it was a year of disenchantment. It’s a good song. So what about an aroace interpretation?

The main thing about the song seems to be pretending to be someone you’re not. And really, when talking with family who expect you to be allo, how can you be anything but? I was told in this time that ‘Girls only go to university to find a husband’, which is many levels of wrong, but that thought always sticks in my head with this song. Moreover, I always think of break up songs with the line “You’re just a sad song, with nothing to say”, because they ARE just sad songs with nothing to say; and yet we’re expected to love them, because it’s a universal experience. There’s never been nothing to them.

But really, the line “I spent my high school career spit on and shoved to agree, so I can watch all my heroes sell a car on TV” is what really spoke to me. You spend school years being told that these people are sexy, you’ll want romance one day, and you have to agree or we’ll bully you mercilessly for it. The kids at school knew who was aroace before they knew what aroace meant. And we grow up watching heroes we relate to on TV, the fantastic loners who don’t need a significant other, only for fandom and the shows themselves to pair them up, make them “sell cars on tv” and sell out what made them special to us. And it hurts. And this song reflects that so well. In this song, the narrator is reflecting back on the years lost by hating themselves, slowly coming to terms with being aroace.

And finally, Famous Last Words. This is the real tipping point where the narrator feels comfortable with themselves, and finally confronts the friend from ‘I Don’t Love You’. The song is sung by one person, yes, but it feels like a dialogue between the friend, who still wants to hold a romantic relationship with the narrator, and the narrator who’s finally had enough. The introduction is from the friend, their thoughts on the narrator and how they know that they’re not going to win, but maybe they can make them feel bad for it “But where’s your heart?”, the friend is accusing the narrator of being heartless for being aromantic. But here’s the thing:

The narrator’s accepted who they are. “Well is it hard understanding? I’m incomplete.” The narrator accepts that they’re aroace, that to the friend, they are different, they don’t experience romance. The pain that they felt in the first few songs, of being the living dead and disappearing, makes them feel incomplete still, but they’re finally secure with being aroace enough to declare that, while they aren’t fully there yet, “I am not afraid to walk this world alone.” The narrator knows who they are, and they’re no longer afraid of it. Even when the friend tries to backpedal “Honey if you stay I’ll be forgiving” the narrator knows that the friend isn’t worth the pain anymore “Nothing you can say can stop me going home.”

That’s also why the lines about ‘love’ in this song are so important too. “A love that’s so demanding I can’t speak” “A love that’s so demanding, I get weak”. The narrator is explaining that, for them, romance is demanding; it’s not easy, and it’s not worth it for them, it’ll tire them out. The first quote can also speak of their friendship now; it’s so demanding, the narrator feels that if they stay, they may not be able to speak up for themselves any more. They have to friend break up, for both of their wellbeings.

And finally, the last verses “Awake and unafraid, asleep or dead” is the final attempt at kicking the narrator, harking back to “the famous living dead”. But the narrator refutes it by insisting that they’re not afraid to be alone anymore. And the song ends with the narrator winning, leaving the friend for good, for a better life.

 And that’s the aroace interpretation of Black Parade.

And it’s 2200 words long fuck

[nine-prcnt]

as if it’s your last

this is purely for my own enjoyment, even though i could actually see some parts playing out and it broke my soft huba heart 😭🤧

word count ; 1,921

genre ; angst

pairing ; poor!zhu xingjie x rich!reader

au ; prestigious school ( @duckmcduckerson gave the idea for a prestigious school au and i ran with it)

Zhu Xingjie. The name was infamous on the lips of your year.

You had heard the rumours. Who hadn’t? He was a nobody from nowhere and the tales of his origins spread like the plague, taking on something new with every person who spread it.

You paid little to no mind and as fate had it, you would be paired together for an assignment. While your friends at first pitied you, it was soon discovered by you that there was no reason to.

Beneath his cold exterior was an attentive guy with a fierce love. The two of you fell into a routine, studying and getting coffee. It wasn’t long after that it blossomed into something more and while neither of you were especially shy, there was a long month or two of stolen glances and rouged cheeks.

Once everything was out in the open, it felt right. The subtle things, like intertwined fingers, patterns traced on the back of your hand or hip and the heat of his breath on your skin, set your heart alight. You felt more alive than you had ever been and this seemed like it would last forever

That kind of happiness only lasts so long though.

It was your second year and your heart had been set on, at this stage for a while, on a future with Xingjie. The choice of an uncertain future with Xingjie, pursuing his dream of becoming an artist, was something you were willing to undertake. The two of you had spent late nights until early mornings entangled in your bedsheets or each other, talking of what you planned to do after school.

At first, Xingjie had been wary of whether your family would approve of him. He was a nobody with only his unrefined talent and perseverance. That, he thought, could never match their rich and privileged ideas of suitors for their only child.

Although you had comforted and reassured him that they weren’t like how he was imagining and would gladly welcome him. That is until Cai Xukun was introduced by your parents.

You knew him from a few business parties you had attended with your parents. He was one year your senior, a nice boy really. Your impression of him was that he was easy going, naturally charming and just very sweet.

You had been surprised one night, coming home late from Xingjie’s and Cai Xukun was sat at your dinner table with both of your parents. Quickly you changed and spent the rest of the night in Xukun’s company. After that it became something that happened, his family coming over or you going to his house.

This meant cancelling a lot of dates with Xingjie or just not being around each other often enough outside of school. He understood, or at least he said and tried to.

In the shadows of your bright and hopeful life, Xingjie wandered, uncertain and the distance now the spark to ignite a trail to his inevitable down spiral. He started being more secretive, hiding his songs from you and snapping at you when you went to open his lyric notebook.

There was no longer the melodic hum of his latest song, or inviting clap of his hand on his jeans welcoming you to sit on his lap and each time you walked through his door, you regretted it a little bit more. The once warm scent of incense and candles was replaced by stilled musk of charred wood and ungodly burn in your throat that you wished you didn’t recognise. You were watching your home dying slowly as everyday passed.

It was these days that you found yourself drawn to Xukun more, his soft voice and gentle embraces as you poured your heart out, your heart trembling when not so long ago it had been the most stable. It was his voice that had told you to go back to Xingjie, that he would stop the frequency of your families’ gatherings and everything would be okay with you and Xingjie again.

The next day you had gone back to Xingjie’s, trying to fight the unsettling feeling when you arrived. You used your key as always. Even when hearing you come in, there was no welcome or acknowledgement of your presence. You threw yourself onto the couch next to Xingjie, leaning into his side. A sting pierced your heart when he didn’t wrap his arm around you, drawing you ever slightly closer.

‘I was thinking pizza ? Maybe a movie? I’m all yours tonight.’

Your suggestions should have made him feel better, that finally there was a night alone for the two of you. Instead it just fueled the fire that raged in him and he just couldn’t bite back his comment.

‘When you’re not Xukun’s huh?’

You didn’t know if you had misheard but you could have sworn that Xingjie had just said Xukun.

‘What did you say?’

You had sat up now and pulled yourself away from his side.

‘It’s nothing.’

‘No. Zhu Xingjie, we said at the beginning if we have something to say, we say it.’

‘Fine.’ He stood up. ‘I said, ‘when you’re not Xukun’s?’’

Now you were up.

‘And what the hell is that supposed to mean?’

‘It means that you have been blowing me off way too much to hang out with him.’

‘If by that you mean that my parents have been asking me to be at the dinners then yes.’

‘Then what was last night about?’

‘Last night?’

You were confused until it hit you. You had been at his house since the afternoon, after you had visited Xingjie but he was being the same as recently so you left.

‘How the hell do you know that I was there?’

‘A friend of mine saw you there.’

‘Oh, so you have your friends keeping tabs on me?’

‘No, he wouldn’t even have mentioned it, except that your parents weren’t with you. Care to explain why you were there?’

You were beyond shocked. This was not a conversation you had ever thought the two of you would be having.

‘I don’t have to explain myself to you. I shouldn’t have to.’

‘Oh, so what? If this situation was reversed, you wouldn’t be bothered if I spent more time with someone else than you?’

‘No, I wouldn’t be bothered and even if I would be, the faith and respect I have in you and for you would settle me.’

‘Well I’m sorry if the fact that I have a fucking partner going into other guys’ houses alone worried me!’

‘No.’ There was something venomous in the rasp of your voice and overwhelming in the biting of your nails into your palms but Xingjie stopped and realised what had just transpired. The pounding of his blood in his head ceased and the look in your eyes drove a stake through his heart.

‘You do not get to turn this around on me. It is not my fault that you feel this way. You’re trying to tell me to feel sorry for how I was born? Fuck you.’

And you didn’t know what vengeful spirit overcame you, but one did and spat the words you knew would really burn.

‘Xukun wouldn’t have this problem.’

‘Well if he is so perfect, go be with him! Don’t slum it on my account. Have your happily ever after. Rich and privileged.’

You let him burn out, suffocated by your silence.

‘You know what.’ You heart trembled. ‘It’s nice to know what you think of me.’ And that all of those whispers under the covers and patterns traced into your hip meant nothing really.

You left.

The next week went by, and each second you didn’t know if you were happy that time was passing or sad to think of what had passed. The time with Xingjie had been the climax of your life. Nothing would ever compare to the feeling and connection you had with him, or at least thought you had.

‘Hey darling, are you ready for dinner?’

Your mom had popped her head around the door.

Dinner? The idea seemed familiar to you.

‘Oh, don’t tell me you forgot. You’ve been talking about tonight for so long now. I’ll pick something out for you while you go freshen up.’

‘Thanks.’

You had forgetten until now but tonight was the night that you were supposed to tell your parents about Xingjie. Now you weren’t so sure of making that announcement but you figured that they at least deserved to know where you had been and who you had been with all those nights when you were staying at his. Thinking about it all, you were thankful for the trust and independence that your parents had given you.

The restaurant was nice and dinner matched. Your parents finished their meal before you and while you were taking the last bite of food, you dad cleared his throat.

‘So, we have something to talk to you about.’

You were confused. It had completely slipped your mind earlier when your mom said they had something to tell you.

‘Well it’s more like something to tell you.’

They glanced at each other.

‘Us and the Cai’s have been talking about a merger.’

You nodded, a slow twist in your stomach. Why did it feel like there was twist coming at the end of what they were saying.

‘And we agreed that, in order to... complete the merger, you and Xukun should get married.’

You choked but at that point in time, the food lodged in your throat seemed like the least of your worries.

‘I need to go.’

The hopeful smiles were wiped from your parents’ faces and replaced with confusion but moreso concern.

‘Are you okay?’

‘We thought you would be happy about this.’

You couldn’t, or maybe you wouldn’t listen to them. And stumbling out of the restaurant, you went wherever your feet took you.

The door opened, a disheveled Xingjie stood there in his bare chested and tired glory.

‘Y/n...’

He could see the stains on your cheeks from where the tears had slipped down.

‘What’s wrong?’

You wrapped yourself around him, burrowing your face in his chest.

‘I’m getting married.’

His jaw opened and his mind thought of a million things he wanted to say in the moment but none came out.

‘I was going to tell them,’ you rambled on. ‘About this, about us but they broke that to me first and I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I just ran and ran and ran and... I ran here.’

‘It’s okay love.’ His hand ran over the back of your head, a soothing touch.

‘I’m-

‘It’s too late Xingjie, and I don’t want your last words to me to be an apology.’

His eyes searched yours, seeking some guidance as to what he should do.

‘Make love to me.’

His lips crashed into yours, hands gripping you tight, not wanting to let go. The soft brushes of skin that whispered, ‘I’m sorry.’ The soothing kisses after to tell you, ‘I love you.’ The desperate hands on you saying, ‘I need you.’

But in the morning after you knew he was asleep, you ran your fingers through his hair, toying with the soft black mess. You left kisses on his shoulder, hoping that he would feel them and know how you felt.

And then, you ran.

You left.

With those words that couldn’t help but linger behind your closed eyes.

As if it’s your last.

-

part one // part two 

masterlist // rules // wips

[nerdygirl2888]

Call It What You Want.

This story was inspired from the song

Call it what you want by Taylor Swift. 

I hope you all enjoy this little blurb of my imagination

Tina.

No one said life was easy, and Sarah Williams learned that first hand after she followed in her mother's footsteps. Falling into the world of the Industry as it was called. Auditions, casting calls, seeing her name up in lights on Broadway theatres boards. She was beautiful with her peaches and cream skin, dark tresses and vibrant green eyes. A slender body with just the right amount of curves for the wardrobe to appreciate when making her costumes.

Yes, she was a star, even if she made enemies doing it.

She learned the gritty side of the business and the men who ruled the roost, who used their power to take advantage of the young women who were trying to make a name for themselves. She fought, fucked and lied her way to the top; the string of men that came and went on her arm. They never compared to her ideal in the end. She hadn't meant to break up a marriage, she didn't want to be her mother. Yet she let the limelight blind her, she lost herself in the process. She was on top of her career, she was sought after and wanted by everyone whether it was for a role or to wear a couture gown at the Tony Awards. Yes, Sarah Williams was a superstar.

She had men falling at her feet, relationships ending and beginning each season. Soon she was too picky, too temperamental for them to put up with.

'Someone somewhere is sick of her shit' was the saying they recalled as they said her name on TMZ one night.

Then it came tumbling down piece by piece. Suddenly the Broadway princess was tarnished, she didn't want to be known as the woman that one young girl would know as daddies mistress one day. She holed herself up, stopped drinking and the needless prescription drugs that made up her life. Maybe her therapist was right and it was all in her head. Everything thing was just a made up fairy tale? It had been just all a strange dream.

No one would call on the Goblin King thinking he was real. This was just proof that she wasn't crazy. No one would show up in a cloud of glitter when called or in a form of an owl. Pictured like the one that sat on her hip, a white and brown barn owl taking off in flight.

How wrong had she had been when he stood in front of her when she spoke the words. Her adolescence was shaped by a dream that she didn't believe to be real. He had been keeping tabs on her through the years, he never could come to her because she took back that power that fateful night. Instead, he watched from afar flounder and drown in her own lies and affairs, he watched her realize that mistakes she had made and what she destroyed in the process.

How he saw beyond the frayed ends and knitted them back together was a mystery. She felt whole once again as she hid away in his kingdom.

They had no label, it was just them wandering the labyrinth, the castle. Telling him stories of Toby before she cut herself off from her family. They didn't understand the Industry it was simple as that. Her father gave up giving her legal advice and Irene well she only cared for the designer samples that Sarah sent to her.

She sent them a note saying she put herself into a rehab retreat. A place to think for herself and reevaluate her life. She spent her days by his side now, living a simpler life. She noticed things about him, despite being a king he was humble and kind to his subjects. He ruled fairly and did not use terror as a way to get what he wanted. How the roles reversed as she once considered him to be the villain. Instead, she was now the one who was vain and conceited. It comes with age he told her; he had his moments in his youth.

Slowly she returned to her life she was under contracts and needed to work so she wouldn't be blacklisted. She was cautious about being seen about the city at first. Refusing to let him be seen. This was theirs and the media would just ruin whatever they had.

They were meeting at a bookstore, they already caught wind of her already being there. She watched him from the window, his head down his blond hair falling forward as he was dressed in a long jacket, warm scarf and leather gloves. They locked eyes as she waved to him and greeted him from the window of the bookstore cafe.

Who was this unknown man? Who was Sarah Williams new beau? The tall, lanky golden hair man who looked dressed from the high streets of London?

The media were puzzled at the changes of the tarnished star who seemed more meek and modest in her words and actions. She kept to herself, she even skipped the Tony's that year which leads to an ambush of what was going on in her life. Her revivals were relishing in her seclusion as she worked less than she ever did. Rumours spread rampantly on her seclusion, the lack of social media. Some praised her for changing her life around other called it was a ploy to get attention when she decided to return.

Press are going about how she showed her true colours to the world. Everyone placing bets on when she would mess up and throw aside this mystery man. They didn't know it has already been months for them, you could even say this had been in the works for years. He was the one to keep her stable in this world she lived in. Warm and fed most nights when he was there, letting her cry over new tabloids and telling her that it didn't matter what people thought of her anymore.

After everything, all she needed was to look in those strange eyes of his to feel grounded to know she did one thing right in her life. All she had to do was believe, believe in the magic she once longed to forget or believe was all a dream.

She did the right thing, she told him one night. Her secret that haunted her, she didn't regret it but she couldn't hide it from him. No child should have been brought into a world of chaos when her world tumbled from undeneath her. He told her understood, that he didn't judge her for her decision. She made the one that seemed right for her and her life.

Nothing matters beside them as the curled up in her apartment, or his bedchamber. She could trust him. Something she hadn't done in so long was trust someone. Friends were rare in the industry you never could be real without the fear of being betrayed. He however she trusted, he was the one thing she did right.

It was him who managed to get her to reconnect with her family; to reach out and apologize. It had been an emotional upheaval for everything that day. Toby was a teenager, who seemed confused by his sister. He had been hurt when she cut them off from her life, but now was trying to make amends. He wanted to be happy to see her but didn't want to have her disappear again. It took a long talk that she would never do that to him again; she told him she understood that trust had to be earned and she would try her best to earn his trust once more.

She did the right thing by calling him; without him, without that those eyes that could piece together her broken soul and heart in the aftermath of her downward spiral. The same ones she looked into in the large candle lit room as he kissed her body over and over. Leisurely lovemaking in the early mornings so that slept late into the mornings.

Slowly they ventured out together more in the cities, slowly the media became for positive as they chased for the story of her life changes and choice in jewellery. The small charm with a tiny J on it. Was that his name starting with J?

Soon stories were fabricated, elaborate tales of being a wealthy businessman. Jared King, so if she accidentally called him Jareth it could be put down as being misheard. They were happy, keeping out the spotlight as often as they could. They were boring and mundane in their lives which lead to the press getting bored.

The rare time she spoke of him she was quoted after being asked how he played a part in her recovery on the red carpet for a premiere of her latest show

"I told him he didn't need to save me. We are happy and in love, that is all you need to know." She held his arm as they walked down the long line of carpet. The photos would show like a King and Queen, dressed in their finery. Her ethereal silver-white gown that floated around her. Everyone noticed just how much her eyes sparkled as she gazed up at him. Even his suit being exactly tailored to him that it showed off his lean frame. The fashion police commenting just how well his pants fit him, and if that it was a roll of change in his pocket or not. Sarah Williams seemed to be one lucky woman they concluded.

He rarely spoke a word to the press, keeping silent as she did her thing. The only indirect quote that you could take from him was him telling someone in an annoyed tone, "Your past doesn't define your future. I love her because she is everything to me."

The mystery of Sarah Williams and her eventual disappearance from the industry was a mystery. If they only knew that she was a Queen in another world, with her king beside her. Occasionally you could spot them wandering the park or visiting a museum with two small children; a little blonde girl, and a dark-haired boy who inherited their father's tall slender form.

They came and went as years passed by. Her name once up in lights now was know something of the past. Still, her name echoed in the media, sometimes when another star fell, or maybe it was when a young woman credited her in allowing a generation to see you could save yourself if you truly tried.

Call it what you want, but Sarah William made a name for herself in this world and another.

[poeticandvaguelysweet]

Prompt #156 - Last Call

ANON: “Person B knowing they’re undoubtedly about to die within the next few second, likely from the gaping wound they’re bleeding out from. Instead of calling for help, they phone Person A and carry on a casual conversation as if nothing is wrong, making sure to mention how much they love them before their time runs out.” - from here

Two people asked for this. They were anonymous but that doesn’t mean you can’t blame them. Obviously, trigger warning: main character death. I did, however, try to keep this light despite knowing that Owen’s dying. 

AO3

LAST CALL

‘Hey baby,’ he tried to purr, the same smooth molasses he usually greeted her with. She wasn’t expecting him to call and knew the chances of catching her at an off time was high. He ran the risk anyway, knowing time was running out.

The dial tone nearly stopped his heart, muscle plummeting in his chest with every ring she didn’t answer on. He could hear her trying to catch her breath on the end of a squeak as she answered, phone fumbling in her hands. Owen felt her smile the second she breathed back, ‘hey stranger’.

He felt his body relax, muscles easing with the sound of her voice. It was all he wanted, given one last opportunity. He couldn’t see her, distance between them too great for the situation at hand. Owen would live with a phone call.

‘What’re you doin’, trouble?’ He drawled, trying his best to not alarm her. He had a couple minutes at best, casual conversation before he would have to hang up.

She hummed, same sexy little sound that matched a devilish smile. ‘Nothin’,’ She drawled back, smirk definite on her face. If he closed his eyes he could see that smirk, perfectly painted across her face like she was made to wear it and nothing else. God, he would kill to see her naked again. ‘Karen and the boys are coming over tonight, thought I would try my hand at baking.’ He groaned again, more for her sister and nephews. Claire couldn’t cook - the same inability extended to baking. Owen could imagine the rock of a cake Karen was bound to face. ‘It’s not going too well,’ he could hear Claire bite her lip. ‘So far there’s more batter on me than in the tray.’

‘What kind of cake?’ He asked, trying to conjure up the image of her covered in batter, hair pulled into a high bun, likely dressed in his clothes as their kitchen sat in disarray.

‘Chocolate.’ He knew it. ‘Aren’t you out in the field today?’ She asked with a little worry, voice muffled like she had put the phone between her ear and shoulder. Claire knew his schedule better than he did, the woman studying it to make sure it wasn’t all free-roam guns in the jungle every hour of the day.

Owen hummed, he was, that was why he was calling. ‘The sunset reminded me of you.’ He told her softly, breath not quite filling his lungs. ‘This whole place reminds me of you, of the first time we met.’ She scoffed, sentimentality always felt odd on him. Owen panicked, heart rate picking up, worry seeping into his bones that she knew. ‘Everything’s orange right now, gold, burgundy among the trees. It looks so peaceful. I wish you were here.’ His breath rattled, oxygen scraping past his throat, making Owen cough.

‘I wish you were home.’ She signed. Claire didn’t agree with his decision, she was right to fight him on it. Returning to Isla Nublar to reclaim and capture was stupid. So, so, so stupid. If he had listened to her, he would have saved himself.

He closed his eyes, well aware of the man sitting next to him, watching his every move. He tried to picture Claire in their small home, frantically trying to put something together for her family, only stopping to peer out the kitchen window, curious to see if she had the same sunset. He should have bought her a better house, one closer to the beach so she could see the sun right now. He needed her to see the sun. He needed her to conjure the same memory that was swirling in his mind, meeting her in tangerine light where his first thought was to kiss her.

‘Few more weeks left, baby.’ Grant, the InGen hired gun sitting beside him, peeled at the poor excuse for bandages sitting on Owen’s abdomen. He hissed openly, loud enough for Claire to hear on the other end of the line. ‘Is everything alright?’ She asked, voice hitched in worry. Owen looked at the slash marks skating across his stomach, still gushing with blood. It wasn’t good. He could already feel the shock climbing up his spine, his skin had turned yellow and his consciousness felt like it was being drained. He was losing the fight. There was no way he was making it through this. They had ventured off task in search of Blue, leaving the other groups miles behind as Owen  chased a blind lead. He was paying for it now. ‘Everything’s fine.’ He answered quickly, staring at the dead creature only a few feet away. Everything was falling apart.

Owen was fairly confident he was holding part of his insides in his hand, pressed tightly to his gut, too scared to move. Everything was red with blood but the sunset that peeked through the trees, orange like her hair. He loved her more than anything. He didn’t want to hold himself together anymore, the fight was useless, Owen just wanted Claire in his arms. ’Hey, Claire?’ She hummed, lost in thought over her cake batter or the sunset on the day they met. ‘I want to marry you.’

‘Is that a proposal?’ She sounded unimpressed, like her eyebrow was raised, challenging him to do better than that. It wasn’t a proposal. He knew that. Just a statement of intention. He had intended to marry her. Owen already bought the ring, it was hidden in the pocket of one of his suit jackets in the sheer hope she wouldn’t look there. Everything else was Claire’s property, his shirts, his gym slacks, even his boxers. She claimed them all. Nothing was safe. He didn’t mind living like that, especially when he got to see her in those things.

‘I want to have babies.’ He couldn’t quite put his finger on her reaction to that statement. ‘I know it makes you nervous but I really want a whole lot.’ Owen didn’t know if it was his mind drifting away or if he simply misheard her, but he swore he heard Claire said ‘that’s going to happen sooner than you may think’. Was she pregnant? Did he want to know the answer to that? He was already an idiot for not listening to her, now this? How reckless could he be? How mad could he make her? Owen wanted so badly to ask, to hear that there was life growing inside of her. He didn’t want to know the truth. He couldn’t die knowing that he was leaving Claire and a baby. He couldn’t die knowing he didn’t do more to stay alive.

‘What’s got you so sentimental tonight?’ It wasn’t worry this time but mild amusement, the smile on her face surely glowing.

‘The sunset.’ It was the colour of her hair in the morning, sun sneaking through the window to set her body alight.

‘Doesn’t look that spectacular from here.’

‘That’s because I’m an hour ahead, remember? It’ll get better with time.’ He heard the very same disgruntled little sigh he adored so much, the pout on her face clear in his mind’s eye. He wished, more than anything, that he was there with her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her waist and rest his head on her shoulder one last time. He would willingly embrace her terrible cooking just to be there with her. Owen was glad that Karen was going to be there, the boys too - she needed someone. Just like he needed her right now, if only to hear her voice. Everything was spiralling into one, colours of the world mixing together as his vision blurred. ’Babe, I gotta go.’ He offered her quickly, struggling to swallow the breath he took.

He didn’t need to see her to know she was reluctant to hang up the phone, unaware that something was wrong but on the brink of thinking so. ‘Come home to me.’ It had been her thing since he left. Come home to me. Her farewell without saying goodbye, Claire refused. He would be home in five weeks. He only had three left to go.

‘I love you.’ He offered before nodding to Grant, the other man taking the phone and hanging up the call, Claire’s admission of love crackling through the speaker before they were disconnected. His whole body slumped, no need to keep up the lie that everything was fine. The log pressed behind his back had been rough and hard at first contact, he could barely feel it now. The feeling had escaped his fingers, his legs numb, but he could feel the warm tears slide down his cheeks before he was even aware that he was crying. ‘Fuck.’ He hissed to the universe, to himself, to every bad decision he had ever made.

‘She’s going to kill you, Grady.’ His newfound friend offered with a sad glance, dropping the phone beside his hip before checking on the state of Owen’s wound, eyes flying towards his watch. Time was running out.

Owen chuckled, the sound needing effort without Claire on the other end. It all felt worse without her. ‘I don’t know if you noticed but, I’m already a dead man.’

[sup3rnaturalunkn0wn]

Toxic Love

Part Nine (1,306words)

Part [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8]

Pairings: ReaderxJensen, JensenxDanneel

Warnings: Jealously, cheating, pregnancy

Summary: Danneel delivers some pretty shocking news and Jensen’s forced to make a decision.

Jensen smiled down at his daughter as her eyes scanned the range of tiaras in front of her, determined to find the best one for her Dad.

Jensen was completely head over heels for his daughter. Their relationship was adorable, unbreakable, a bond that no one else could understand. When ever he was home he’d devote every minute to JJ, following the toddler about, playing dress up and tea parties and watching all the kids programmes you could imagine.

Sometimes Danneel would feel a pang of jealously when she saw them together or when JJ would ask for her Dad rather than her Mom. But as she stood there in the doorway, watching Jensen tickle their daughter and pick her up high above his head, delighted giggles erupting from his tiny lips, Danneel couldn’t help but smile.

“Mommy!” JJ squealed when she caught sight of her, eager to ask her to join them.

“Baby can you go upstairs for a minute?” JJ’s little face dropped and she began to pout in his fathers arms.

“But I’m playing with Daddy!” She whined, the stubborn three year old’s arms crossed.

“Please Justice.” Danneel’s voice was more stern now as she sat on the nearby couch.

“Go on sweetheart.” Jensen gave her a reassuring smile as he kissed her forehead and put her on her feet. As she paddled off, Jensen finally turned to his wife. “Everything okay?”

“I’m not sure how to tell you.” As Jensen pushed himself off the floor, Danneel looked down to her lap, nervously playing with her fingers as she debated how to approach the subject.

“Tell me what?” Jensen felt a weird feeling spread in the core of his stomach, a mixture of concern, panic and anticipation.

“I’m pregnant.” She blurted out her explanation, unable to contain the smile that grew on her lips. If there was anything to make Jensen realise what he was doing was wrong and that now was the time to end it, it would be this.

“You’re having a baby?” His eyes instantly drop down to her stomach so he doesn’t have to look her in the eye. His mouth becomes dry as he struggles to form another sentence.

“Isn’t it fantastic?!” She pushes further, determined to see his true feelings.

“Yeah.” The word came out in a breathless whisper, the news leaving him absolutely speechless. His mind goes completely blank, he can’t think of how he should be acting right now, and everything starts to spin. So instead he quickly pulls her into a hug just so she couldn’t see his reaction.

His whole world was about to crumble.

Jensen found himself behind the wheel of his car, body numb as his mind worked over drive. He knew he just had to get out of there, so with no destination in mind his foot hits the gas pedal and he goes.

He isn’t sure how long he’s been driving for, hours maybe but still he couldn’t believe that this was all really happening. His wife just told him she’s pregnant, he should be out celebrating, spreading the happy news yet he just couldn’t ignore the nagging sadness at the back of his mind when he thought about how it isn’t you having his child.

The more he thinks about his impending future the more an awful feeling grows in the pit of his stomach. Anger flashes through him as he takes his feelings out on the dash board, punching at the things in front of him. How had he been so stupid to let himself fall for another woman? When had he become so selfish to not only do this to his wife or daughter but to you as well?

With the thoughts of you burning bright in his mind it isn’t long until he finds himself out side your home, not a single memory of how he got there.

But suddenly everything becomes clear.

It feels like forever passes before Jensen finally decided to get out of the car. His foot steps are slow, his hands shaking as he guides himself to your front door. He debates whether he should be there as he quietly knocks on your door, scared of what he’s about to do, second guessing everything he’s about to say to you.

As the door swings open and you see him standing their your confusion from the late night visit melts into worry. “What are you doing here? J it’s 2am.”

The minute he hears the concern in your voice he finally breaks. There he stands in front of you, tears falling endlessly and he begins to sob uncontrollably. His hand reaches out for the door frame to steady himself as he struggles for breath.

You watch him helpless as he finally lets it all out. He continues in a downward spiral as he grieves for the loss of his marriage, as he mourns over the fact that his whole life is a mess. He can’t grasp the concept of his future not being the way he envisioned it and he wants to scream out loud because he found you at the wrong time and now he has to leave you behind.

“Hey, hey what’s wrong?” You reach out for him, wanting nothing more to comfort him but the way he flinched from your touch leaves your heart sinking. You try once more in an attempt to get him to come inside but he only shakes his head in resistance.

“I can’t do this anymore.” His voice is so low at first you’re sure you misheard him.

“Can’t do what?” You frown at him, fear creeping in as you wait for his answer.

“This, us-” He gestures between the two of you, never once looking directly at you. “Danneel’s pregnant.”

“Oh.” It’s your turn now to hold on to something to keep you up. His words steal all the air from your lungs but you refuse to let him see it, you’d only done this to yourself.

“I’m so sorry, but you have to understand-” You interrupted him by shaking your head, you don’t need to hear it.

“Don’t explain yourself to me, I get it. She’s your wife and she’s having your child.”

The two of you stand there in silence for awhile, both too afraid to say what you really want to. You look up to see him looking lost and you heart aches. Part of you wants to beg him to rethink his choices but you know you can’t be that selfish so you choose to be the better person. “Go home J.”

Your words don’t move him, his body deflating at your request and you have no choice but to close the door on him, refusing to let him see you break.

However once it clicks shut you can’t help but scream, tears now streaming down your own cheeks as you fall to the floor. You wonder how pathetic you must seem. A flash of anger takes over and you find yourself furious at him for picking her over you. You fight with jealously, because even though he was sleeping with you he’d still been sleeping with her. Sadness overcomes you because you don’t have the right to have those feelings. You were the secret woman, his bit on the side, and you would never be anything more.

You would never be anything compared to Danneel.

Despite you closing the door on him, Jensen’s still stands outside, body refusing to move. Instead he just stares emotionally at your house, heart shattering every time he hears you cry out just inches away from him. He couldn’t even try to ease your pain, his own doubling knowing that he had caused all this.

Jensen had let himself fall for you and now there was nothing he could do about it

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[shefliesaway]

just??? a random list of my relationships. from the earliest i can remember to most recent. for documenting purposes i guess. and to work through things. idk. 

Troy – I have no real recollection of this other than just telling him he was my “boyfriend” in kindergarten or first grade.

Austin B. – 4th and 5th grade “boyfriend”. First real memories of a “relationship”. We never dated for real or kissed or anything, we were just kids. However, it was when “sex bracelets” were a thing, and I told on him to a teacher when he tried to give me one. Thus ending our “relationship” and sending him to detention. Years later, when I had a high school class with him, he told me he still remembered that and that he thought he was gonna go to jail. We were able to laugh about it.

Tyler – In 6th grade he asked me to be his gf on a Friday and I said yes. Over the weekend, I freaked out because I didn’t actually want to date him. On the following Monday I acted like he didn’t exist and when he confronted me I said I “misheard” him and agreed to just being friends. Still one of my most embarrassing moments. No idea what ever happened to him.

Jake – Another middle school romance. No memory of how it began or ended, just that it happened at some point???? I think????

Thomas - First high school romance, first kiss. Very little recollection of how it began. All I remember is him cheating me out of my first kiss on the school bus by asking me to kiss his cheek and then turning his head quickly to catch my mouth when I did. The kids around us asked us if we were dating now and we both agreed due to peer pressure. Literally no memory of how it ended.

Adam H. – I was a sophomore and he was a freshman. He had long hair and I thought he looked like a Twilight character (long before the movies were a thing). We were in band together and were going steady, but never really went on a “date” or kissed or anything. He was very strange and clingy, and my naïvely aromantic ass had no idea why I didn’t like him back. I grew distant, and eventually my friend Annalynn broke up with him for me via a text message. Savage.

Josh – Oh my gOD. This poor kid. I liked him because he was “emo”, and I was just beginning to dabble in witchcraft. I cast my first love spell on him on a full moon whilst on my period with a crystal and a Zen garden. It worked. Too well. He asked me out the next day, and I said yes, ecstatic that I’d gotten what I wanted. He was my first make-out. From there, he became obsessive. He drew sketches of me, wrote me songs and poetry, borderline stalked me. I began to freak. He said he was gonna marry me, that I was his soulmate, that he’d kill himself if we broke up. I learned a very important lesson about the Rule of Three. When summer break began, I ignored him, even when he’d show up at my door, until he finally broke up with me over voicemail, clearly crying during the message. My bff and I were very mean to him after that, and I regret it. I’m glad the spell finally wore off. I still feel bad for him. He was also the first PoC I ever dated.

Austin D. – Last high school relationship. We were in band together and had begun flirting at some point. I vaguely remember him asking me out on the bus from a band performance. We dated for a while, went on a couple dates, kissed and made-out sometimes. But I was aromantic, despite not knowing it, and didn’t feel for him what he felt for me. I remember describing to him when I broke up with him that we were basically just “friends who kiss sometimes”. He agreed, the break-up was fairly mutual. We were still able to talk and stuff without it being weird for the rest of high school. Especially since a lot of our friends were mutual.

Felicia – Not really a relationship, but the first girl I ever kissed, I think.

Chuck – Bass guitarist for a local rock band. I was only 19, he was 30-something. We never kissed or dated or anything, but we did drunkenly share a bed one night and there was heavy petting involved. I was crazy about him, but he ended up coming to his senses regarding our age difference.

Lahela – My first relationship with a girl, first long distance romance that started online via RP. This was while I was living in Costa Rica. I thought she was the love of my life, I thought that I was going to marry her. I sent her orchids for Valentine’s Day, and she broke up with me for it. Saying I was too young (she was also 30-something) and that she’d let things go too far. It broke me. I spiraled into depression and finally sought therapy for the first time. She contacted me months later to apologize, and it triggered one of my first panic attacks. Haven’t heard from her since, but I know she’s now married to a man.

T.J. – Sweet man. He was also in this 30’s when we dated. We’d had a class together my freshman year of college, and we’d had a crush on each other but never voiced it. He finally asked me out once I got back from Costa Rica. We dated for a while, kissed a lot, shared a bed once. He was funny and I liked him. He left me for his boss at the time, saying the “distance” was too long for him. (I was literally a 2 hour drive from him, and only for a couple months.) I was jaded, so when he tried to get back together, saying his boss ended up “crazy”, I refused and was kind of mean. Which I now deeply regret after finding out recently that he died in July 2015. I don’t know what happened, but I regret how things ended.

Jayse – My partner of “firsts”. My first queer platonic relationship, my first time dating a trans person, my first time having sex, my first polyamorous relationship, my first *** relationship. Jayse was a great partner, despite being very ill and long-distance. But we made it work. We met each other’s families, flew out to visit each other, went on vacation together, etc. I imagined I would marry him and adopt kids with him. We also met via RP.              - Sayers: A few months into mine and Jayse’s relationship, we added a third, Sayers. We were a happy triad for a while. I kissed Sayers but never slept with him. While I was away in KC, Jayse texted me saying Sayers was behaving toxically. I took Jayse’s side and we broke things off with him. Jayse and I stayed happily together for several more months. When I began seeing Jon, Jayse was fine with it since we were poly and qpr anyway. When Jon said he wanted to be exclusive, I broke things off with Jayse despite the fact that he’d done nothing wrong. He didn’t talk to me for months after that. I didn’t care at the time. We talk occasionally now, and he’s much more ill than ever before. I deeply regret how things ended. I wish we were closer now and I wish I could be there to help him with his sicknesses and disabilities.

Jon – The greatest love of my life thus far. We met via RP and became close friends fast. A year later, we met in person and had an immediate physical connection. A month after that, we decided to be exclusive and I broke things off with Jayse for him. I was so in love with him. We were in a very happy, healthy relationship for 9 of the best months of my life. We were in a *** relationship on and off for a while, too, and got to explore different dynamics of it, which was very rewarding emotionally. I grew a lot with him. I thought for sure he was my soulmate, that we’d get married and have kids and live happily ever after. So when he broke up with me the first time, I was completely blindsided. I had no idea anything was wrong. Literally the day before I’d told my best friend that he was my “forever love” and that we were so happy together. I still think I’ve never been in as much pain as I was then. I regret how I handled it, but I was absolutely devastated. A couple of weeks later, we began talking again, trying to be friends. Our grandmothers died almost back-to-back, and we needed each other. We went on a much needed vacation to N. Ireland. We shared our first kiss since the break-up there. We made love again for the first time since the break-up one of the nights before I left again for the States. We decided we didn’t need to have a label, that we were happy just having each other. I was hopeful. I went to see him again a month later and things were more physical in those few days than they had been in a year of sleeping together. It probably should have been a warning sign, in hindsight. Just a few weeks after that, he broke things off with me again. I was once again devastated and reacted poorly. It’s embarrassing, but I felt like I was dying. I miss him. I’m quite sure he hates me now, but I don’t blame him. I wish only the best for him. I hope he’s doing well. I know I’ll love him ‘til the day I die.

Dozie – Fuck this guy. He found me at a diner a few weeks after Jon and I broke up the first time. We hung out a couple of times after that. After Jon and I broke up the second time, we hung out at the aquarium. He asked if it was a date, and I said yes. I even let him drive me (which was huge). I was beginning to trust him. THEN HE DECIDES TO TELL ME HE’S MARRIED WITH A CHILD AND HAD BEEN LYING TO ME FOR MONTHS AND NOW I’M FURIOUS WITH HIM, BLOCKED HIM EVERYWHERE, STILL MAD AT HIM. STILL PISSED THAT HE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE. HATE HIM. FUCK THAT GUY. SO GLAD WE NEVER DID ANYTHING, I NEVER EVEN LET HIM HOLD MY HAND. FUCK OFF. I knew better than to trust him, too, because when I asked my tarot cards about him, I pulled out “The Magician”. But my dumb ass kept talking to him anyway smh.

Adam S. – Current fling. Met when Ryan and I set up a troll profile for me on Tinder. When I sent him stupid trolling messages, he trolled me right back. He had me laughing the entire night. Before I knew it, I kind of liked him. I told him I was real before I deleted my Tinder, and sent him a SnapChat to prove it. From there we started talking regularly. We’ve been on lots of dates, despite being long-distance. He even came to visit me in D.C. He’s also the first cis guy I’ve ever slept with. Our physical connection is undeniable. We have a lot of differences – like a lot – and he’s unlike anyone I’ve ever dated. But he treats me well, and calls me every day, and seems to genuinely like me. He’s good to me. And I like him back. He makes me happy. We’re both too afraid of being hurt to make things “official” but that’s okay. We’re just enjoying things right now. He’s a good friend, and a good lover. He’s incredibly handsome and he treats me the way I deserve to be treated. Do I love him? Not in that sense. Could I love him like that eventually? Maybe. It’s unfair to him when I’m still hung-up on my ex. I’m trying to move on because I don’t want to hurt Adam, but it’s a slow process. Either way, he’s a great guy and I like him a lot. I’m excited to see where this leads us. He gives me hope after I’d sworn off relationships for good.  I doubt it will last, but it’s still fun and nice to have.