#impossible love is eyes blinded by disillusion

[giallo4ver]

Lore: absolutely impossible love story full of rivalry and hate that once was deep connection in a fantasy universe with a lot of medieval suggestions.

[aressida]

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my old entry: "If the News is fake, imagine how bad History is?" - Aressida. October 14 2018.

"Because it is the truth. Why should we listen at the piece of paper if that was deliberated incorrect, which was sought by in secrecy to rewrite countless of times, without having the proper of our consent? The paper does not governed our sovereignty. Slavery in hindsight.

Legends of stories past and the reverse psychology is seen in plain sight. This is something we are able to acquit with a trivialize pause now, and as we start to read between the lines inside the world of disillusion that we are all currently experiencing. That is where the question comes in. Read the emergence of patterns that will see fits before your very eyes?

Seeing is believing, right?

We do not need to complicate ourselves."

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old entry: "Those that don’t know history are in danger of repeating it." - Aressida. December 8th 2018.

When all the guns have been banned, When all the words have been censored, When all the history has been erased, When all the freedoms have been taken.

I have heard Holocaust survivors say this.

Only then will you discover that you should’ve spoken up and done something about it.

Cabals are so full of hate and evil they are incapable of love and impossible for us to love them.

They’re just hypnotized. Sadly most are too smart for their own good and just don’t get they’re being played.

I totally understand the sentiment here, but God would never command us to do something impossible. It’s His Love that we love them with naturally, in and of ourselves, it truly is impossible.

Eloquently said and hugely prophetic. Those that don’t know history are in danger of repeating it.

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old entry: "True belief cannot be constitutionalized." - Aressida. June 8th 2020.

One thing about history has this constant pattern that taught me, was the series of philosophical division that grew. Whatever it was, wanted massive numbers of human relinquishing their will.

Please ask yourself these questions: Is your mind being poisoned? Are you being fervent with your belief? What do you know of your measurable effect? What is your central promise?

In all honesty, why should we senselessly lose ourselves to archaic prejudices or religious extremism? Why do they require our blind obedience? Why so angry at logic, evidence and common sense? Why are you so credulous about this? And why do you need to deflect so desperately?

Why are you demanding ‘respect’ and expect them to come to you for their beliefs, all while disrespecting them the entire time? Of course, you are allowed to challenge anyone’s beliefs, but is that not bound to misinterpret? And misrepresent someone’s true beliefs?

You are not an expert on another’s beliefs.

Ask questions. Just listen and understand. Cross-reference and fact check. The truth will prevail. If you want to learn and truly understand a particular set of beliefs -> Go directly to the source.

Are we just supposed to abandon all that we are? This is the point where you have to ultimately decide. It is time to reflect your true nature to the world.

The spiritual battle surrounds us at all times.

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[plotbnuy]

KarpReviews - The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

Back when The Hunger Games became a huge phenomenon, I have to admit that it didn’t quite grab me like it did for many. The original film came out on March 23rd, 2012, followed by Catching Fire late next year. These films started a trend of dystopian novel movie adaptations, with Divergent coming out on March 21st 2014, and Maze Runner coming out on September 19th that same year. By the time Mockingjay: Part One released on November 21′s, right after Maze Runner, I’d become a little burnt out on these tales of children fighting for survival against an oppressive system meant to keep society under control. Despite reading the first two books in the series, I didn’t return for Mockingjay. 

That is, until a few months ago.  I decided to give the books another try, and to my delight I grew to really love and appreciate them. Katniss is a wonderful protagonist, surrounded by a surprisingly colorful and interesting cast of characters (even though it still features the classic love triangle trope.) While the first two books were rereads, going in blind into Mockingjay was a treat, and I felt the series had a wonderfully satisfying ending. 

Imagine my delight, however, when I realized that there was a prequel to the series! The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes features a much different entry in the story, taking place long before the events of the main series to highlight the tenth Hunger Games. In order to spice up what is comparatively an archaic and unpolished annual event, The Capitol has enlisted a large selection of students from an elite secondary school - simply referred to as “The Academy” - to mentor the children forced to fight in the arena! Who else should be chosen to be a mentor but a young Coriolanus Snow, hoping to become recognized and attain a university scholarship on his path to becoming President of Panem.

Yes, this entry puts us in the perspective of the infamous Coriolanus Snow, allowing us to see a little bit into what led to the events of the original Hunger Games novel. Not only does it flesh out Snow himself, but also how the titular event became the lavish, intricate, and audacious spectacle depicted during Katniss’s run in the arena. This allows this entry to differentiate itself immensely from the others, allowing it to feel fresh and new while it gives us a better look into the universe we’ve become a part of after three other novels and four films. With that being said, I want to dive deeper into what makes this particular entry so engaging. 

While other entries in the series have a bit of a fluid structure, our story this time is split into very neat thirds: The events leading up to the games, the games themselves, and the aftermath. This time, we get to see the perspective of the games from the capitol’s eyes, as opposed to the districts. However, while the event is massively celebrated, with banquets, parties, tours, and intricate broadcasts during the 74th and 75th Hunger Games, the 10th is much different. It’s much bleaker and more depressing, as tributes are treated like livestock, with no access to good food or proper shelter. Many citizens, District or Capitol, would rather ignore the barbaric event, only bothering to attend The Reaping before returning to daily life. There’s no reward for victory, beyond the singular tribute avoiding death, only to return to the poverty-stricken districts. Tributes die before even entering the arena, leading the games themselves to be swift and merciless. 

Ultimately, this raw and bleak depiction of the games, combined with Capitol citizens not yet disillusioned by the grandeur of future games, still recovering from the war, is a perfect choice for this Capitol-centric prequel. It keeps the citizens of The Capitol that we spend most of our time with from being completely unsympathetic, and it allows for a much more engaging story. Even before the games themselves, many things happen that impact the story, allowing for a lot of tension as things lead up to the main event. 

Speaking of the Hunger Games, this is the first time we get to enjoy them from outside of the arena itself. As the story follows our mentors, we get to watch from their perspective as spectators as the games commence in the arena. This event also happens to be the first where sponsors are allowed to affect the games, sending gifts for the tributes to possibly keep them alive. Since the mentors themselves have agency over the games, they never feel boring as you hope for the survival of our main character’s tribute. The aftermath of the games left me absolutely shocked, leading into a finale that felt unlike anything the series has had to offer before.

Even though Coriolanus Snow is designated as our main character, this story is truly given life by the people who surround him. Closest to him is Sejanus Plinth, a childhood friend who joins Snow in the tribute mentorship program as his classmate. At first, Sejanus is telegraphed as an old rival and a clear foil to Snow, and you suspect he’ll be something of an antagonist given the disdain Coriolanus seems to have for him. However, I was pleasantly surprised as the story paints a much more intricate picture of our main character’s best friend. Their relationship is one of the many highlights of this story, as even when Snow tries to distance himself, or otherwise shows dislike for Sejanus, their paths become forcibly intertwined, and it becomes unclear whether they will become bitter rivals or loyal comrades.

The real star of the show for me is Coriolanus’s tribute, a District 12 girl named Lucy Grey Baird. A member of the Covey, she’s a performer and singer who prides herself in her skill for entertainment. With both Panem and the reader as her audience, her personality and charm is utterly captivating, with an even sharper wit than Katniss. Despite the circumstances, she becomes fond of Coriolanus early on, a fact attributed to Snow being one of the few mentors that goes out of his way to forge a bond with his tribute. She leaves an impression from her very first scene, and every moment with her going forward is captivating and wonderful. Truly, if I had to give a single reason to read this book, it would be for Lucy Grey specifically. Even though her situation seems completely impossible, you can’t help but hope for her victory in the games. 

Of course, there’s always room for a good antagonist, even in a story starring Coriolanus Snow. Casca Highbottom, dean of The Academy, is one of the main obstacles making Snow’s future so uneasy. The story says little about him at first, only that he isn’t Coriolanus’s biggest fan, and that he created the Hunger Games themselves. He’s hard to read as a threat, given his addiction to painkillers and somewhat contradictory dialogue. Truthfully, he’s not much of a villain. 

Enter Doctor Volumnia Gaul.  Serving as the head Gamemaker, as well as an instructor at the Capitol University, she spends a large amount of time with both Coriolanus and the other mentors. Specializing in the “muttations” that her labs create for the Capitol, she serves as something of a mentor herself for Snow, challenging his morals and shaping his ideals. She starts off as seeming like an ally, only for her to show just how dangerous she is. She has a blatant disregard for life itself, only just barely being grounded enough to not be entirely absurd. Her presence gives the story a lot of much-needed tension, and I found her to be absolutely riveting. 

What impresses me the most about Songbirds and Snakes is how it expertly avoids delivering what could have easily come off as a tragic backstory intended to garner sympathy for Panem’s ruthless dictator. Instead, it cleverly highlights Coriolanus’s personality, nature, aspirations, and faults, adding to his character without ever trying to suggest that he’s misunderstood or redeemable. His downfall, while accelerated by his environment, can be attributed entirely to the choices he makes himself. Even when surrounded by good people who genuinely love and care for him, miles away from the capitol, he makes the choice to become who he is: a vile, treacherous, untrusting snake. Yet, despite knowing his fate, there was a part of me that hoped he would make the right choice anyway, making the end of his arc even more effective. 

Suzanne Collins is a truly talented writer. Not only is the original trilogy a fantastic read, but she managed to craft a prequel that both builds the lore of the series and has a major impact on the story as a whole. The connecting tissue between this prequel and the rest of the series is solid, not only fleshing out the world explicitly, but leaving breadcrumbs for attentive fans to enjoy. Upon reading the final chapters, there was a particular scene I couldn’t get out of my head. It wasn’t one within the book itself, but one that harkened forward to Mockingjay. I can picture Coriolanus Snow, eyes focused on the television as the rebels broadcast another one of Katniss’s propaganda videos. He can tell she’s in District 12, walking amongst the rubble of the decimated mining town. He thinks to turn away from the image of the collapsed Justice building and broken town square... until he hears Katniss begin to sing. His blood runs ice cold, every hair on his body stands on end, and in a hoarse, mangled voice, he begins to wail. Every one of his past sins comes rushing back as Katniss Everdeen unwittingly deals the most devastating blow she could ever give to Coriolanus Snow. It’s a scene that remains completely theoretical, and yet it’s perhaps one of the most powerful images in the entire Hunger Games saga. If you’ve enjoyed the rest of the series, then I urge you to read The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes.

[maydays2]

BALLUM SANTA PLAYLIST - Explanation/Best fitting lines

The first phase of the Ballum story told through songs

Waving Through a Window

(about Callum)

We start with stars in our eyes / We start believing that we belong / But every sun doesn't rise / And no one tells you where you went wrong

Heavydirtysoul

(about Ben)

Gangsters don't cry / Therefore, therefore I'm /Mr. Misty-eyed, therefore I'm / Can you save, can you save my / Can you save my heavy dirty soul?

Flesh and Bone

(about Callum, likely his feelings for Chris, and Ben later on)

And I am low and unwell / This is love, this is hell / This sweet plague that follows me

(about Ben)

And I am rude and unkind / Have no thought, and have no time

Silence (lyrics in the first and second gif)

From starsdhab's post:

"For me, I think it captures the core of what they truly are to each other. Callum/Ben being the peace (their calm, being their strength, their everything good and loving them) in each others "violence" (their insecurities and their messed up childhood/their demons). If you look at the lyrics you can tell each verse is about one of them."

No Plan

(about Callum, from Ben's POV)

Let it hurl, let the awful song be heard / Blue bird, I know your beat, baby / But your secret is safe with me / Have no eyes, so no point of view

No Light, No Light

(about the beginning of their relationship)

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes / I never knew daylight could be so violent / A revelation in the light of day / You can choose what stays and what fades away

(about Ben)

But would you leave me / If I told you what I've done / And would you leave me / If I told you what I've become / 'Cause it's so easy / To sing it to a crowd / But it's so hard, my love / To say it to you, all alone

Deep End

Basically the whole song can be about the night in the park from Callum's POV.

Candles

No candles were involved that night, but I think everything else fits.

Two Men in Love (lyrics in the third gif)

Every. Single. Word. Fits. Seriously, this song is amazing from the beginning to the end.

Cut My Lip

(about Ben's troubles with his dad, pride etc.)

Though I am bruised, face of contusions / Know I'll keep movin'

[...]

I don't mind at all, lean on my pride / Lean on my pride, I'm a lion

Breaking Down

(possibly about both Ben and Callum's hardships)

All alone even when I was a child / I've always known there was something to be frightened of

Too Much Love Will Kill You

(about the Callum/Whitney/Ben situation, from Callum's POV)

Too much love will kill you / If you can't make up your mind / Torn between the lover and the love you leave behind / You're headed for disaster 'cos you never read the signs / Too much love will kill you every time

[...]

How would it be if you were standing in my shoes / Can't you see that it's impossible to choose / No, there's no making sense of it / Every way I go I'm bound to lose

I'm Not in Love

(about Ben I-don't-want-him Mitchell)

I like to see you / But then again / That doesn't mean you mean that much to me

[...]

'Be quiet, big boys don't cry

Ambulance

(about Ben during the siege)

Oh no, I'm dancing myself to death / Hold me down, be my ambulance

Ease My Mind

(about Callum And-then-I-found-Ben Highway)

You came out of nowhere / And you cut through all the noise / I make sense to the madness / When I listen to your voice

I'll Be Your Mirror

(about Ben from Callum's POV)

When you think the night has seen your mind / That inside you're twisted and unkind / Let me stand to show that you are blind / Please put down your hands / 'Cause I see you

I'm a Mess

(about Callum getting drunk and kissing Ben)

Oh, I'm a mess right now / Inside out

[...]

See the flames inside my eyes / It burns so bright I wanna feel your love

[...]

And oh, I've only caused you pain, you know / That all of my words will always be low / Of all the lies spoke / When you're on my road walking me home

Hang On a Little Longer

("You're gonna work your way through this, okay?")

It’s gonna get better one day / The pain is gonna fade away / If you just hang on a little longer, hang on a little longer

Saved

(about post-siege Callum)

The hard part always seems to last forever / Sometimes I forget that we aren't together

[...]

But I'll keep your number saved / 'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me

(about disillusioned Ben)

So I'll keep your number saved / 'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you / To tell you that I'm finally over you / I'm finally over you

HIM

(about Callum coming out)

Holy Father, we need to talk / I have a secret that I can't keep / I'm not the boy that you thought you wanted

[...]

Say I shouldn't be here but I can't give up his touch / It is him I love, it is him

Rainbow

🌈🌈🌈

Self-explanatory, I think :)

All That You Are

(the best sum-up for the two of them)

Yeah, all the things that you are / Beautifully broken, alive in my heart

P.D.A. (We Just Don't Care)

Four words: Fall and winter 2019

[whitherliliesbloom]

all that is bright and beautiful

[ ffxivwrite2020 ] ★ [ my writings ]  ★ [ prompt #09 - lush ]

[ angsty alphinaud/wol ] ★ [ 944 words ]

solo wol verse, in an au where alphinaud dies after the events of stormblood and illya quits being the wol 

it’s a beautiful day, and yet you’re not here to see it

Spring was coming, a time where flowers and fruits alike thrived and grew to their fullest and most beautiful. She could still hear the chatter of the Gridanians in her ear, and the passing words of reverence to Nophica from the botanists as they prepared for yet another season of plantiful harvest.

As if in chorus, the birds of the forest sang in celebration, summoning the full might of the sun that shone high above horizon. It’s light was opulent, a gift to the trees and the grass that flourished without a single care around her.

The boughs were dancing, swaying to the tune of her barely beating heart.

And all Illya could wonder was when she’d come to resent the earth so much.

It was tradition by this point for her to turn to mother nature in her time of need. She had once thought herself to be a true devotee to the grace of the Elementals, a white mage and botanist both, someone who believed in the power of healing the earth could provide. 

And for a long, long time did she believe her faith to be impossible to waver. No matter how many times she’d have to soothe the wrath of the elementals, no matter how many storms she weathered through, there was always the sincere hope of a sunnier day ahead.

A trouble mind could be cleared by the gentle breeze, an aching heart could be soothed by the sound of the leaves and flowing rivers. And when all else failed, she would find herself laying under the protective canopy of the trees above her, watching and giving thanks to the world around her for giving her such beauty to comfort her.

And yet.. she’s found the magic of the earth to be waning, as does all hope of her own recovery.

She’s done nothing but lay down for the past several weeks, staring blankly up at the sky as time slipped her by unaware. No matter how many hours she’d spend outside, and no matter the number of flowers she’d picked and pressed up desperately to her nostrils, it does nothing to alleviate the pain. 

Who was it that truly died that day? 

If nothing else, it should have been her. She deserved it.. and perhaps even then, such a death would be too swift and merciful for one of her incompetence. The sounds of magitek echoes, the cries and screams repeatedly play in her head like a broken record. And at the center of it all, nothing but the image of his last moments filled her vision, through hazy lethargy and a cracked consciousness. 

Despite the warning of the scions, he’d charged forth.. rushed into a confrontation that everyone knew he was wholly unprepared for. And the Warrior of Light, for all the heroism and strength she had been known for, naively believed in him.. and in that naivety was powerless to stop his gruesome fate. 

She’d expanded all the mana she could muster upon his body, held him in her arms, as crimson red began to spill and stain her once pure white madical coat. She prayed with all her heart, pouring her magicks into the palms of her hands until her very soul almost tore apart from exertion, believed in the conviction and faith she held in the twelve even until the very end and beyond... even after his body turned cold.

She truly did believe. She truly held such blind, foolish faith that was paid for with the ultimate price.

On the day she’d watch the person she loved more than anything else in the world slip away forever, her heart and entire being died alongside with him on that very bloodied battleground, upon that same soil from whence cherry blossoms would take root and bloom. She wouldn’t be surprised, if ten summers from then, a great tree sprung forth after taking sustenance from his blood, like a cruel leech. 

His blood had been warm, as was the sun upon her skin now. If she focused well enough, she could hear his voice in the wind and in the chirps of the songbirds in the trees. Even the grass beneath her felt like needles, pinpricks that cut at her skin like razors. The colors of her surroundings which she once admired so begin to bleed together into murky hues, and the rays of light that had once been her salvation now blinded her and burned her skin. 

How could the day be so beautiful? How can nature continue to flourish? How could the world rejoice at its own abundance when it has lost all meaning?

Do they not know? Does nobody truly care?

Whilst she was all alone, stuck in the grey, cold confines of a past she will never move on from, the world will continue to spin around her, uncaring of all of her sorrows, pain and regrets. For once she’d wished for a cliche, for the darkening of clouds and the pouring of rain. She wanted to see the world torn asunder, for the trees to be ripped from the ground and for the flowers to whither and be reduced to ash. 

At the very least then, it wouldn’t feel as if the world was making a mockery out of her - laughing at her loss of purpose. 

The earth was but a mute spectator to misery, and Illya’s eyes darken in disillusion as she finally accepts her insignificance in the world - a world that wasn’t worth fighting for at the very end.

It was she who died that day, and she who would never live to see another beautiful sunrise. 

[vampyrdoc]

CODEX [INTRO]

PSA: THE TOPICS THAT ARE GOING TO BE WRITTEN THROUGHOUT THIS BLOG, ARE IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM A REFLECTION OF MY OWN BELIEFS NOR MORALS. PURELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT.

[ sam witwer, cis man, him/he ] JOSHUA WAITE has been spotted in beacon hills. the 40/2000+ year old DAYLIGHTER VAMPIRE is known for being APATHETIC and PESSIMISTIC, but they can also be FAITHFUL and DEDICATED. it’s said they are currently a PHLEBOTOGIST in BEACON HILLS MEMORIAL HOSPITAL, and that they are INDIFFERENT TO integration. [ adry, 28, she/her, est ]

[1]  introduce your character! what are some significant moments in their life? how did they come to be the person they are today? what do they hope to achieve and what brought them to beacon hills? (this can be as long as you’d like! we just want to get to know the character).

He fell in love with science and medicine the moment he discovered it. Joshua claims to respect Nature above all and prides himself in being an impartial force in the world. He enjoys documenting life around him, although he does research his own blood and how it can effectively be used as medicine.

In his research, Joshua came across a possible substitute to a vampire's need for human blood and a wendigo's need for human flesh. Ultimately, however, he decided the study was unnatural and closed it as a failure... Until centuries later, a famous scientist approached him---a wendigo. While they bumped heads immediately, Joshua found his views challenging and stimulating, but would feel betrayed when the other announced he was using Joshua's research to make something he would later baptize as Ambrosia.

After the unveiling, he remained hidden, visiting the Sentinelese and spending his days with them. In search of a Banshee's blood sample, however, he caught news of his maker's latest plots: he wanted Olivia. It took him little time figuring out his progeny was in a place called Beacon Hills, and even less time to remember that was were Derek Hale was from. While unsocial, Joshua is fiercely loyal to those he calls friends and intends on keeping them safe regardless of the sacrifices he might need to make.

[2] how does your character feel about the unveiling and integration? do they think it’s a step in the right direction or a set back? do they trust the people in charge to do the right thing?

Joshua doesn't care so much about the unveiling nor integration. It happened, so now it is time for nature to take it's course. He wants little part of it, happy to continue his research and enjoying the company of those he calls friends. He trusts nobody in power, his age enabling him to feel as if organizations are doomed to fall in the hands of corruption. He is, however, pissed off at the forceful laws on Ambrosia and the existence of Ambrosia itself.

QUICK BIO:

-Born as Titus Postumius Furius to a Roman senator and a Greek upperclasswoman in what was known in the Roman Empire as the Year of the Consulship of Sabinus and Camerinus. Although he would only be remembered in history as Longinus.

-He quickly rose to centurion within the Empire’s military, and married a childhood friend after his first campaign ended. With her, he fathered two daughters. Leaving again after the birth of his youngest daughter, he fought valiantly for his Emperor, Rome, honor and his family. However, on 30 AD, he was stationed at Jerusalem, Judea after having an eye injury that had left him partially blind.

-On 31 AD, Titus is called to carry out an execution by orders of Pontius Pilate. Arriving at the destination, he doesn’t realize who the man upon the cross is. As he thrust his spear, gaze glued to the compelling man upon the cross, the blood of Jesus of Nazareth fell upon his face and Titus’ world reopened: he could see again.

-With his vision back and tormented with his actions, he fled Judea and planned to go back to Rome for his wife and daughters to flee the Empire altogether.

- However, in 33 AD, as he neared the outskirts of Rome, he attempted to end his life. His attempt was foiled by a beautiful man who claimed to serve Jesus of Nazareth’s god. He told the centurion that he had been sent to pass down judgement upon him. That the centurion’s punishment would be life eternal, but so long as he fed upon human blood… 

-The state and his family would presume Titus Postumius Furius dead, but on 52 AD, his youngest daughter would marry and remember a ragged beggar with a warm smile handing her a lilac–the flower she’d often given her father upon returning from the battlefield.

-Drifting aimlessly and nameless through countries and time itself, he almost went mad and gave into the beastial thirst growing within him until a man in white robes with a crucifix approached him. The man who had killed Jesus now donned the robes, drank the wine that symbolized the blood that had cured his vision, and ate the bread that symbolized the flesh he had pierced. Baptized as Henry Benedict, it was during this time that he took up medicine. It is then that he begins to document his life and the occurrences around him.

-With the beginning of the Inquisition, however, “Henry” grew disillusioned with the church and humanity as a whole. Ditching his name, he relocated and became more involved with the supernatural–including vampiric bureaucracy. During this time, he adopted a name he would come to love and continue to use until present: Joshua.

-While humanity had sickened him, his brethren made him feel worst. Their extremist views on what he was made him feel excluded and uncomfortable---their explanation on how he could've become a Daywalker seemingly impossible due to his lack of memories from his transition. It was during this time that he found information about a descendant of his.

-Joshua ran from his brethren in search for his descendant. When he walked into that bar, he was taken aback. She looked just like his eldest daughter, and after a short exchange of words he managed to befriend her. He dedicated himself to her for a while---what could've looked like a friendly conversation at work transported Joshua to simpler times... To a calm Rome, to a daughter that enjoyed learning to use a sword while her mother pestered her about scriptures. Then, their routine was abruptly stopped when he walked in to find her dying. That was the night she changed everything.

-With Emmanuelle as his progeny, Joshua was inspired to pass down knowledge he'd been hoarding for millennia, shared his excitement for the world as a whole and shared his beliefs on the uglier faces it could show. Her mere existence pushed him deeper into his studies, encouraged him to focus on their blood. She renamed herself Olivia as he admitted his true name and the reason for his current name, and thus he has since called her by her chosen name. Although age made violence and death uninteresting, he does see them as part of nature---human nature specifically---and does not mind it. 

-They did clash when Olivia showed interest in the world outside of what they formed. Unlike Joshua, she wasn't happy just being human. Although they parted ways then, he continued to be in and out her life.

- It wouldn’t be until the early 1900′s that he would focus solely on phlebotomy, regardless of his condition. As of the early 2000s, Joshua had isolated himself. Until an overpowering force beckoned him to a seemingly quaint town....

[rosaxlunar]

❝  SOY UNA NENA MALA, PERO LO HAGO BIEN ❞

&&. ( rosalia fuentes ) was just spotted in amsterdam. rumor has it ( she/her ) is/are a ( 390 / appears 29 ) year old ( fallen angel ) who resembles ( melissa barrera ). ( she ) has/have been said to be ( passionate & affectionate ) but also quite ( manipulative & devious ).with all the chaos surrounding the magical underworld, ( she ) has/have chosen to align with ( the fallen angels ). ( she ) is/are currently serving as ( a dancer at the inferno ). hopefully the city doesn’t devour them whole.

001 ✟ THE BASICS

NAME: Rosalia Fuentes AGE: Three Hundred Ninety / Appears Twenty Nine DOB: June 6h - Gemini GENDER: Cis Female SEXUALITY: Bisexual  SPECIES: Fallen Angel  ALLEGIANCE: Fallen Angels  THEME SONG: Hotter Than Hell - Dua Lipa PERSONALITY TRAITS: ( + ) Passionate, Affectionate, Intelligent & Silly ( - ) Manipulative, Devious, Impulsive & Shallow 

002 ✟ IN DEPTH

Paradise was supposed to be home. It’s heaven, it was so sought after, so perfect, pristine and immaculate  -so much so that people were dying to get in- why then she always wondered, was it so damn suffocating? Why did it feel like she had heavy chains wrapped around her wrists and ankles, holding her down, holding her captive? Why did the shimmering white wings on her back feel like such a burden? Like a weight she could not release, even when she completed all the tasks given to her by the higher order?  Rosalia Fuentes was born an angel of the light, but she never felt right in her skin. Blasphemous thoughts would crowd her brain, and she knew deep down in her soul, that she didn’t belong in heaven. Raised by a guardian angel of a mother - who looked after her assigned human more than her own child- and a warrior angel father, who was often out, executing the assignments mandated by God himself. Loneliness became Rosalia’s companion. It settled itself deep inside her, and as they years flew by, it spread, leaving behind a coldness that left her feeling empty. 

Even at a young age, Rosalia never understood the appeal of humans. What made them so special? What was it about them, that they managed to steal the attention she so desperately craved from her very own mother? What exactly made them God’s favorite? And no one could ever dispute the fact that they were, for the angel’s sole existence was to protect them, to look after them, to serve them. Sometimes she couldn’t help but feel jealous. An emotion that was even uglier than the emptiness of loneliness, because jealousy burned. Rosalia was grateful however, grateful over the fact that it was easy for her to hide the horrid feelings and thoughts that were tormenting her. She was blessed with the face of fresh innocence and the lilting voice of a songbird. No one ever suspected how miserable she really was, no one ever got that her helpfulness was often a product of habit and not a genuine need to help. The mask of perfection she carried was flawless and only improved with every year that passed by. 

There was however, a small period of respite, that quickly became her very own form of salvation. It happened when she started training in heaven. Meeting and befriending Adonis Deerling was a happy accident, but one she never came to regret. For whenever she was in his presence, the constant feeling of jealousy and loneliness disappeared. He was hers. Her companion, her training partner...her best friend. There was finally a purpose to her days when she rose, to make him happy, to lift the sadness that clung to him like a second skin. She learned that she loved to be tactile around him, often initiating deep long hugs and cuddle sessions. Rosalia often looked forward to the quiet moments after they had completed a mission, where she would she would offer her lap for him to lay his head and rest, rest from whatever they had just endured, or rest from whatever worries haunted him. She loved to run her fingers through his silky soft hair, and trace away the wrinkles in his forehead. She would tell him stories, or sing to him, whichever felt right for that moment until he was sleeping, safe in the knowledge that she would protect him. These were the moments she treasured, these were the moments that brought her bliss. 

There was a safety in his presence, she was able to drop her facade of perfection more and more as their time together went on. He never judged her for it. Simply guided her back on track, helped her do the right thing. That safety backfired however, as her feelings of discontentment and disillusions with heaven grew, it became impossible for her to hide how she was feeling from Adonis. He knew her too well, knew her lies from her truth. And there was a greediness in her heart that had not existed before, because she didn’t want to just be partners with Adonis, she wanted to be his lover, his muse...she wanted to be his. She wanted more than what he was willing to give, and it crushed her. She knew he cared...but did he care enough? Did he actually love her? She was too much of a coward to find out.

The day that changed her life was the day that she met Luca D’ Amore. It’s like he took one look at her and he could tell that she was a fraud, that her fight for the light was nothing but a facade. Luca promised liberation, freedom from the invisible shackles that have followed her since day one. He gave her hope that the emptiness within her would finally be filled. That the wrongness could be fixed, since she would no longer be living a lie... and in that moment, she didn’t think twice when the demonic blood was offered to her. Rosalia caved to her impulse, her selfishness blinding her from the truth of what she was giving up, the little slice of bliss that was entirely hers. Adonis wasn’t on her mind until it was too late. And she fell, half sobbing from the heartache of leaving him and half laughing at the utter glee of breaking the shackles that held on to her. The conflicting emotions battling it out, making her seem like a mad woman, all the whole her shimmering white wings were changing, no longer glistening and pure.  Now they were varying shades of grey and black. She was free from her duties.....she was fallen.

003 ✟ FUN FACTS

Ever since falling, Rosalia is impulsive and wild to the max. Partying, booze, drugs, sex, adventure. She seeks it all. Anything to be the complete opposite of who she was in heaven.

She’s only been a fallen angel for 90 years.

Rosalia still carries a cross necklace around her neck, she usually keeps it hidden, and it’s not because any part of her believes in the ways of the light, but its her last remaining connection to Adonis and she could never part with it. Ever. Should anyone ever see it and question why she wears it. Her sure fire response is “It’s always more fun to do debauchery with it on, I just know it pisses of my parents and that’s enough for me to keep it on.”

Rosalia is a mega crybaby, not because she’s always in tune with her feelings but because she quickly realized that her turning on the waterworks was the quickest way to get what she wants from people (mostly men). Sometimes a sniffle here and there with her large eyes and pouting lips is enough too. It works like a charm.

Rosalia has many friends and people she hangs out with, but she never lets them in, it wasn’t long after falling that she realized she could never had the kind of connection with anyone, the way she did with Adonis. It haunts her often, the knowledge that she left him alone. 

Dancing, singing and sex. Her favorite hobbies, and not exactly in that order. It’s why working at the Inferno is perfect for her. She isn’t the most sought after dancer but that’s ok with her, it leaves her with more time to mess with humans and spoil their chances of entering the pearly gates. 

004 ✟ WANTED CONNECTIONS

open to anything my babes! hit me up in the dms! (discord or tumblr!)

fuck buddies

drinking buddies

clients

ex friends from her angel life

[vindictar]

aaron and andrew thoughts under a cut bc i have a lot of feelings about these twins

i think aaron really does love andrew its just complicated and takes a long time for him to get his head out of his ass. but i think the major source of all their problems is aaron has a fundamental misunderstanding of his brother. he just doesn't get him for a really long time. like i think at first when he first found out about andrew he must have been ecstatic like.  a long lost brother seems like a dream come true to a deeply lonely and neglected kid like aaron was, but that didn't last and he became disillusioned when andrew couldn't meet his impossible expectations of this brother he never had, and tilda started getting physical in her abuse and aaron just didn't understand. he also just. didn't believe andrew when andrew promised to protect him and kill tilda. so when he actually did it came as a shock to him and he was totally blind sided.  like. tilda might have been a shit mother but he was still his mother and he didnt want her dead.  he also doesn't think he was worth killing over.  he probably thought andrew killed her because she gave him up (again wildly misunderstanding everything about andrew) but andrew was also the first person to actually do anything for aaron and his situation? andrew saved him, whether or not he agreed with the way he did it he saved aaron and he did more than anyone else had.

and then the incident with nicky happens that leads to andrew being medicated and aaron started believing all the things that were being said about his brother, and he started to actually being afraid of andrew. 

and it was like that for a long time until the stuff with drake happened. like. aaron probably knew andrew had been abused in foster care but not the extent because obviously they never talked about it (and he probs had that toxic masculinity mindset that men can't be raped and all that bs) and so seeing andrew, who he had come to see as this impassive, indestructible figure being hurt so seriously changed a lot of the way the felt and thought about things. and when he was arrested he spent a lot of that time thinking about andrew and putting things that didnt make sense into context. it brought up a lot of buried guilt for him too for things like being the one tilda picked (because obviously andrew had it worse in his eyes) but also guilt for not believing andrew and how he had viewed him.

but aaron is a very passive person. that's how he let things fester between the two of them for so long. because he kept waiting for andrew to take the first step in fixing things and he never did because andrew still didn't think he did anything wrong. so neil had to give aaron a push, by getting katelyn involved. 

so aaron took the first step by forcing his way into andrew's weekly therapy sessions. and since he killed drake he started to understand what andrew did for him at least a little. and i think seeing and finally understanding just how little regard andrew had for his own health brought out something protective in him. that andrew wasn't just a protector, he also needed protecting, even if he didn't want it. which is why he confronted neil that one time in the cabin. he intentionally said something shitty to goad neil into reacting just to see if he would, in neil's own words "fight for him". 

 in conclusion: aaron still has a long way to go before hes even remotely close to being a good brother but he cares about andrew and understands him at least a little better now and is no longer afraid of him. 

[riahandherthoughts]

The Very Beginning of the Princess’ Story

Once upon a time, a young, naive girl hid from reality.     

    Her life was once lived in a castle, a happy ending guaranteed. Back then she was shielded from the cruelness of life, so she ran barefoot through the grass without a care in the world - just as children should. 

    When mommy and daddy began to raise their voices with words meant to cut, she finally paused. She had been kept oblivious to the happenings surrounding her seemingly perfect family and life - an action done purposely. 

    So, when the day her world began to shift, the castle slowly cracking, she was caught off guard. 

    Not understanding the change, questions were uttered from her mouth, only to be placated with false answers especially meant for children. 

    Thus began the destruction of her perfect princess life.  

    Daddy stayed behind, promising to come to them later, as they started their move - off to new, better beginnings... Or it was so claimed. 

    From then on, Daddy lived far away, explaining that it was not possible to earn money and live with them at the same time, though he promised to visit as often as possible.

In the end, all she got from those words were false promises.

    And so, Daddy left his only daughter to live with only her mother for the rest of her adolescence. It quickly became clear in that time that mommy was not daddy. She did not hide the little girl's eyes from the hurt that proceeded their lives. Mommy was overly dependent, something the little girl learned that hard way. 

    It was only the two of them, now living in small cottages instead of sturdy castles, and no one else would ever be there with them. Just her and mommy under one roof, one mommy never wanted her precious little daughter to leave her under alone. 

    The little princess was bestowed a crown without her awareness, one that was much too large for a girl her age - a newly turned twelve. 

    As time passed, her world eventually completely changed for the third time in her life - the same amount of homes lived in over the years. 

    Something about this one, though, was much different. Maybe it was isolation, her age of fifteen years, the timing, or mommy's behavior that gradually became more and more off each day. Then again, it was more likely all of the above and how darkly it all mixed together, thus creating an endless cause and effect that would linger for the rest of the girl's youth. 

    The first assault was due to the timing of her school enrollment. In the middle of the second half of her 9th grade year, she struggled silently. Classes differed so much that she stopped caring for her consistent C average. 

    Always a friendly person, making friends had never been a hardship. Unfortunately, many of her attachments were left behind, and she yearned for each soul she had befriended and became quite close to. It ached her heart more each day she went without seeing them, knowing there was no turning back. Mommy needed another beginning - her third - which was supposedly the charm. 

    But no matter the effort the now teenage girl made, genuine friendships continued to elude her in this intimidating, new place. She was met with meanness from ones she settled with eventually - desperate to belong somewhere. 

How disillusioned she was.

    For the first time in this young girl's life, a dark void began to form, loneliness rearing its head above her, threatening to swallow her whole. A fact that wouldn't be realized until much later is that this was when her depression was completely formed. Before now, there was always something to fend it off, but soon, without that shield, it became an entity that would affect her for the rest of her life.

    She knew she had to be there for mommy, no matter what she felt within herself. No matter the amount of times mommy would cry loudly in her room and lock her door while claiming her daughter didn't care for her. And no matter how many times the young girl sat outside her mommy's bedroom door crying and begging for her to let her in so she could make everything right, she knew her own feelings needed to be set aside for reasons such as this. It was all pushed aside, and she allowed that darkness to live within her, with no evidence visible, everything hidden behind her carefree smile forced upon her pale face. 

    Soon, she gave up the effort in trying to belong. Somehow, she became complacent in her friendless predicament. Putting in the effort and caring only led to disappointment and hurt feelings - things she didn't find worth it in the end. 

    The void of loneliness became so unbearable that she turned to books. As mentioned at the beginning, the young, naive girl began to hide from reality, more specifically her reality. Being alone had always been her biggest fear, only made more evident after daddy left. 

    Her new life had become much too dark to remedy now, and a small part of her didn't want to fix it. A part of her wanted to punish herself for reasons she could not explain. 

    She escaped within the stories, consuming the pages of countless books she checked out from the library. It allowed her to create foreign worlds, making them real in her head where her imagination ruled above all. 

    Her own world only brought her unhappiness, so she created her own that did the opposite. It was how she able to move forward and survive despite the hell she found herself in. All she had to do was make it through the remaining school days, she told herself. 

    She cried more in those Winter months than she had in a long time, especially when the void became too much for her to escape from. Gritting her teeth, she forced herself to push through, with tears streaking down her face, convinced that her chance at healing lay beyond the dark fog that drenched the surroundings, leaving her lost within it all. 

    Wandering blindly, relying solely on instinct, she emerged, and made a plan to return to her old life, to her real friends as soon as possible. There, she was convinced that she would find herself again, and be reminded of how much their love was needed in order for her to feel complete. In her new life, she had forgotten it, and ended up suffering as a result. This time she would not forget, and she would enter the new year with an armor that she had left behind before. 

    With this new confidence she knew she would survive because it was made up of her tribe's love - an irreplaceable consistency she wouldn't find anywhere else. She promised herself that with the new year, she would make more of an effort to find friends without being blinded by falsehoods like before. She would find a place in her new life where she belonged and would be happy, at the very least. She refused to accept any other possibility. With this new layer on her, she had the confidence to make what seemed impossible before completely possible now. 

    However, this princess' tale is far from over... This is simply the first chapter of her story. 

To Be Continued.

- written by riah

---

NOTE: THIS IS NOT EDITED YET. 

So, ignore any spelling/grammar/whatever errors there may be. I’ll get around to correcting those... Eventually. :P

Until then, I have no idea when I’ll publish part 2, considering I haven’t started writing it yet. I’ll get on that whenever I feel like it, I guess. In the off chance I get feedback from this and most of the responses are positive, I may publish the second part sooner rather than later. <3 

[ofaphrvdite]

silence ! raise the royal standard, for the princess of hungary, AURÉLIA VANCURA, has arrived. being 26 years old, she is third in line to the throne. many around the court call her the chameleon, by virtue of her being ebullient and audacious, while also being unscrupulous and perverse.  — played by jodie comer.

- THE BASICS.

full name: aurélia katalinka vancura name meaning: aurélia ‘golden’, katalinka ‘pure’ known in history as: the little rose, light of the east date of birth: july 1st, 1992/1639 age: twenty six star sign: cancer profession: diplomat for the foreign and commonwealth office (modern verse) / princess of hungary (royal verse) loyalty: hungary, house vancura, the entente alignment: chaotic neutral mbti: entp spoken languages: hungarian, german, english, french, advanced dutch, intermediate spanish, basic italian (royal verse) / english, hungarian, mandarin, french, spanish, advanced german, advanced dutch (modern verse) mother’s name: gabriella vancura father’s name: richárd vancura siblings, if any: pál vancura (deceased), dominykas vancura (older), adelaida & angéla vancura (younger), dániel vancura (younger) height: 5’8” hair colour: golden blonde eye colour: hazel

- BACKSTORY / MODERN VERSE.

ever since she was a little girl, aurélia had always possessed a mind above the rest. despite sending her to the top schools, her parents found their eldest daughter continued to best her tutors at every turn. it was in her third year of secondary school that the school made the rare call to put her forward a year, sitting her gcse’s after only one year of study. exams that she passed with flying colours.

though the vancura family had always been a competitive one, aurélia rarely found reason to quarrel with her older brother dominykas. whilst their siblings bickered amongst themselves it was often them against the world, each making no secret that they were eachother’s favourite. and so it was no surprise that after her studies she chose to remain as close to her brother as possible. if there was one certainty, it was that she would always have him to lean on.

it was through university that she discovered a love for two things: diplomacy and women. though she’d been vaguely aware of the fact that she wasn’t interested in any of the boys in her school growing up, she’d put it down to always being a year behind them in age which made dating that bit harder - especially when they were always so much slower than her. it was at oxford that she realised her gravitation towards other girls had been more than a familiar kinship, but intrigue. something she was happy to indulge in for the first time while learning the ways of language and negotiation. two subjects she was fascinated with and would serve her well in her future career.

after graduating with a first, aurélia immediately took a position in the public sector as part of the civil service fast stream in the diplomatic service division. with plenty languages already under her belt and a strong mind for debate it didn’t take long for her to rise in the ranks and soon was being sent from country to country for months at a time to represent the people of the uk. the job involved plenty of dinners at various embassies and it was at one of these very events in vienna that she was seated next to one of the country’s most famed sportswomen. in a rare meeting of minds, aurélia was convinced by theresa von hapsburg to abandon her duty for the evening and instead spent it with it her. not only could the quick witted woman easily keep up with her ( even best her at times ), but she challenged her. made her embrace a much less structured life and taught her a freedom she hadn’t ever allowed herself. aurélia in turn offered the wild spirit a home and place to belong and the two have been living together in london ( amongst other abodes ) in between their various travels. 

her life remained much the same for years. work, travel, theresa and in the middle of it her brother and his wife popped out a kid and life continued on much the same. except now she was cool and fun aunt lia with a baby to spoil and none of the responsibility. unfortunately her peace was to be short lived and the gentle routine she had found herself in, one she had come to rely upon, was ripped away in one cruel and tragic sweep. with her sister-in-law’s death came unwelcome ground. her brother was replaced with a man she did not know, a stranger, and her niece was all but orphaned. in a position she was not prepared for, aurélia stepped up in her brother’s mental absence as a somewhat guardian to laima.

over time she grew to be fiercely protective of her niece and in turn wary and somewhat disillusioned with her brother. though she knows he is suffering, and so she cannot abandon him, she feels for the little girl who has been left without a mother and a father - the latter she deems an unnecessary loss. her relationship with him has become somewhat strained, but she has never been one to give up and intends stick by his side and fix what others might see is impossible. always striving for more, for the very best, aurélia will only be content when her family is whole and happy once again.

- BACKSTORY / ROYAL VERSE.

once a headstrong princess, life’s plans have forced aurélia to adapt to the hand dealt to her. her house, though stable in its seat, had been a power hungry one away from prying eyes. with siblings vying for only one throne and keen to prove themselves strong in the eyes of watching europe, she has become far more calculating in order to survive. but before the perils of growing up ( and the responsibilities that came with it ) she was every bit the free spirit. keen to stir up trouble. always batting her eyelashes to get what she wanted, and really who was surprised when she had been taught by arguably the best there was?

keen to builld a strong relationship with their neighbours and allies, the hungarian king and queen sent their eldest princess to austria frequently as a child where she built up a strong friendship with the princess theresa. in her eyes the older girl was everything she wanted to be, and she hung on her every word as if her advice were worth its true weight in gold. in actual fact it was more the blind leading the blind, but either way aurélia attributes many of the lessons she learned to the most innocent period of her life. alone in her rooms, when there is no company but the stars, she longs for those summers again where she could be the freest version of herself with her truest friend. something impossible for her to return to as that girl was long dead and the distance between them too great after her friend was married off. quietly, aurélia found herself resentful ( perhaps even envious ) toward someone who she had thought would always be by her side.

life for the eldest vancura daughter was uneventful, as if god had decided to save up the tragedy all must face in life for one concentrated dose. she was betrothed to a rich duke, and that rich duke so very sadly passed away in the war before she ever had the chance to don her pretty white veil. aurélia felt no particular loss and grieved as was appropriate for a fiance in public ( the black skirts had been so very ugly, and she had never suited such dire palettes ), only a disruption to her life that proved a mild inconvenience. she did not like not knowing what was next, and she had been left in an unsure position. something that made the now pragmatic princess anxious.

it was at the peace summit in switzerland where the pieces of her fragmented life began to slowly fit together - not long before they would be torn apart. at bern she flourished. her mother had seen fit to give her the same education as her brothers ( smart women were often more deadly than well educated men. no one saw them coming. they could tear countries apart and no one would ever suspect the pretty smiling blonde. ) and so she was well prepared to take a seat at the table with lord’s not used to a woman commanding anything. she exuded confidence and made herself impossible to ignore, and proved herself a keen and useful negotiator. her belief in herself that had begun with theresa all those years ago, had only grown with the introduction to the daughter of an italian duke. lucrezia had been her mirror in every sense. both girls so warm and fun loving, finding comfort in the spotlight of balls, always giggling and taking great pleasure in pulling the strings of the men attempting to court them. it was with slow realisation that whilst she rejected every man that came to worship at her renowned beauty, it was lucrezia she wished to spend all her time with. not just to share in their latest debacles and laugh over silly things, but she found herself longing to see her face every morning she woke, and if a day passed where she did not speak with her it was a sad day indeed.

it was on a warm autumn day that her feelings of love surpassed anything platonic. the two girls had taken their horses out across the countryside and spent the afternoon playing in a lake far from prying eyes. half giggly on the champagne she’d swiped, and half because lucrezia was suddenly so close and the air was so heavy that she’d blame flushed cheeks on that, the other girl had kissed her mid laugh and aurélia had decided she never wanted it to stop. weeks would pass and the two young girls found themselves in and out of eachothers chambers, going beyond two youths trying to find their place, her heart belonged to the other and she could not foresee a time they would ever part. the logical part of her knew it must end, they would all return home eventually and be forced into marriages they did not want, but she was so swept up in something so pure she was sure it couldn’t be wrong.

it was a perfect tapestry that would always need to be unravelled, but never did she expect for it to happen so violently. the thread was not slowly tugged upon, instead it all went up in flames and left nothing but ash. during a coronation ball for the king of prussia, pirates invaded the castle and began slaying anyone in their path all in the name of chaos. ever together, the two girls escaped with crowded ballroom full of screams and their relief, they soon realised, came too soon. it was aurélia that had made it to the end of the corridor first, lucrezia’s expensive gown becoming ensnared on a loose nail and leaving her to catch up. she’d waited for her by the door to a chamber they could barricade until the shouts had sounded from down the hall and left the princess frozen in fear. if she waited they would both die, and both the girls knew it. she had seen the resignation of her fate in her lover’s eyes as men had grabbed her and without a second’s thought the princess had closed the door behind her to hide. but not before the screams of lucrezia had reached her ears and she had burned the memory of the sword through her chest into her mind forever.

hours passed and even after the screaming had died down, aurélia remained under the bed she had hidden beneath, unable to calm her sobbing as she spiralled deeper into shock and grief. it was only after her brother found her and managed to coax her from hiding that she began to calm down long enough to accept that lucrezia was dead. dead because of her. a thought that was soon solidified as she was led from the room and saw the remains of her lover being carried away from the pool of pool she had left behind. knowledge that her brother had too passed away in the attacks ensured the princess did not emerge from her room for quite some time. the things she had seen she shared with no one, not even her brother. her secret could not be uncovered, and her links to the dead woman must remain unknown for the sake of her reputation. her life must still continue on.

the attacks left her forever changed. no longer was the warmth she exuded anything but a product of a practiced facade. the free spirit once cultivated had been cut down and locked away. she could no longer afford to behave so foolishly, and be so free with her bleeding heart. for weeks the princess did not leave the safety of her rooms and only ate when the pain of hunger distracted her long enough from her grief. when she reemerged into court, it was only when she was attended by a guard. her trauma was stowed away deep down, forced to be forgotten. it was at night where her survivors guilt manifested as night terrors. so often did she wake herself screaming that her guards no longer ran to her. now sure the only harm inside her rooms that could be done to her was herself.

it has been months since the attacks and aurélia is now at versailles to represent hungary and its new king. in her time of self imposed exile she has learned to play the game perfectly. at surface level she is a perfect princess, her brains now buried deep where they can be used to subtly move others into the places she wants. though she smiles prettily, it is often a front meant to sway others into doing her bidding. manipulation now a part of her day to day life. it is as this new muted version of herself that she finds herself reunited with theresa, and all the old confused feelings she has long since buried. though she will play good friends, their reunion will be tainted with the knowledge that aurélia has asked for a betrothal. hoping that marriage will banish the forbidden longings of her heart for good, and give her the position of power she so yearns for.

[toastling]

Excalibur

The best-known of the Repentant Blades, Excalibur is a legendary sword which features prominently in European folklore, foundational to the isle of Great Britain. Once thought to be little more than a myth, it was one of many legendary artifacts confirmed by the dragons to actually exist. According to their historians, this is the true story of Excalibur and the human king who wielded it - a man by the name of Arthur.

The age of Arthur was an age of magic. By this point in time, the extermination of the dragons by the rapidly advancing human race was in full swing, and the magic stolen from them had become a part of every day life. Witches and wizards, mages and warlocks, sorcerers and druids - these were the superheroes of their time.

Though there were many notable magical humans at this time, none were more powerful or renowned than the fabled Merlin. To the humans, he was what was known as a warlock - a human wizard with a dragon parent. Today, he would be recognized as a halfling. As such, he was exceptionally long-lived, and by the age of Arthur, was already several centuries old. According to some accounts, it was Merlin who first brought magic to the shores of Europe, setting the stage for the world Arthur would be born into.

Though he made the isle of Britain his home, Merlin hailed from Avalon, the realm of magic - presumed today to be a corruption of Aldaron, the capital city of the dragons. If true, then this would suggest he was once a dragon of some repute, but it is believed he changed his name when he defected to human civilization. The drakan scholars of today can only guess at Merlin’s true identity.

As the progenitor of European magic, Merlin was fundamental to the formation of the continent, as it was he who taught the humans how to harness the dragons’ birthright by making dragon blood their own. Every witch and wizard and man of magic that followed him learned from either Merlin himself or one of his disciples, and his defection to the human side was a turning point in the war. Merlin’s early days are seen today as an era of darkness by the dragons, and saw such horrors as forced hybridization, the consumption of dragon blood, and the proliferation of halflings.

Suffice it to say, he was, to the humans, a hero among heroes - the original mage. As time went on, however, Merlin softened, becoming a figure associated with benevolence, peace, and wisdom. And while many of his disciples would hold true to these later ideals of his, not all of them were as benevolent as he. But none were as violent and infamous as the one who would come to be the warlock’s favorite - a young woman by the name of Morgana, half-sister and sole guardian to a boy who would one day be king.

Though she came from nothing, Morgana’s magic was strong. She herself was an ordinary human, but there was a powerful dragon somewhere in her ancestry, and this gave her access to powers most ordinary humans would never know.

Though she and her brother had known only suffering, Morgana had a kind heart, and a determination to help her fellow man that greatly inspired Merlin’s faith. By the time he found her, he was searching for a successor, and in her hopeful eyes, he believed he had finally found one. He would go on to teach her everything he knew, and eventually, she became every inch Merlin’s equal.

But, as time went on, Morgana became disillusioned. She had suffered terrible abuse at the hands of her family, and never knew the love of a mother or the guidance of a father. It was this abuse which inspired her to flee her home with her brother by her side, hoping for a better life, but she was born into an age of great instability, where men were fighting wars with dragons and their fellow man alike. Kingdoms and countries were flitting in and out of existence every day, and all of them were vying for dominance.

All her life, she’d experienced only war, poverty, and suffering. Though she still wanted nothing more than to help those in need, people from circumstances like hers and her brother’s, her faith in her fellow man had died, and her heart grew cold. In turn, she grew impatient in dealing with the many follies of man, especially its seemingly limitless supply of aggression.

Morgana watched as they waged war with one another, with the dragons, with the very Earth around them. She listened as they spoke ill of the gods and strayed ever-further from the morals and the teachings of her master Merlin, the things that had initially brought them such prosperity. She saw a race in need of guidance, but with no one fit to guide it.

No one, that was, except for Merlin.

Morgana beseeched her master to be more proactive, to use his powers to intervene in the wars of men. She believed they needed structure and control, guidance only Merlin could provide them, like he had provided her. But Merlin insisted that this was not his place. In his mind, it was no man’s place.

Unlike Morgana, Merlin did not believe himself above them because of his magic. He believed that to use it in the way she was describing would make him no different from them - just another person insisting their view of the world was right, and forcing it on others through violence and fear. Even if they only ever used it to kill each other, mankind’s free will was its own, and to take that away from them would be, in his eyes, a greater sin than any they could ever commit.

Nevertheless, Morgana’s pleas had moved him, and eventually, he agreed: something needed to be done. So to that end, he sought to tutor her brother, Arthur, so that he may one day become a king who would inspire greatness from his fellow man and forge a new path for mankind.

Morgana was confused. She asked her master why her brother was a better fit to rule than her, who had studied under him for many years and adhered so strongly to his teachings. He replied he believed it necessary for an ordinary man to be the one to set the course for Europe, and that his and Morgana’s magic would only complicate things. He truly believed that Arthur was destined for great things.

Unbeknownst to Merlin, this rejection and subsequent focus on her younger brother sowed seeds of darkness in Morgana’s heart. She saw his mentoring of him as a betrayal, and believed her master’s plans for her brother to be foolish and short-sighted. Like the Tyrant King of the dragons before her, she believed that only a strong hand could bring unity out of such a violent race.

And so, in time, she would come to betray - and ultimately kill - the man who taught her everything in the pursuit of her ideal of a unified, peaceful Europe. With a heavy heart, Arthur rebuked his sister, holding strong to their master’s teachings and trying in vain to convince her that her path was not a righteous one. But when he learned that it was Morgana who had killed Merlin, Arthur withdrew, and finally cut off ties with her completely, an act which wounded Morgana deeply.

Over time, Morgana's power grew.

She mastered magics Merlin never dared, and amassed followers who shared in her beliefs. In time, they came to worship her as a goddess - the great Morgan le Fay - and through the ritual drinking of dragon blood, she inched ever-closer to becoming one. She achieved ageless immortality, and clashed repeatedly with her brother, the young boy whom she had raised and once considered her whole world.

But though he was an ordinary man, Arthur was strong, intelligent, and a natural leader. Time and again, he thwarted her bids for control, and more and more, her hatred for him grew. In time, her initially peaceful desires became twisted by jealousy and revenge, and to put an end to Arthur’s continual interference, she sought to perfect the Ultimate Magic.

A fascination of her master Merlin’s, the Ultimate Magic was the power that birthed the heavens above and the Earth below, the power of Creation itself, boundless and free. With it, she felt her ideal world could at last be realized, and that not even Arthur and his gradually amassing allies would be able to stop her.

And, as she inched ever closer to achieving the seemingly impossible feat, she drew the ire of the gods themselves. Fearing the effects of such limitless power in a mortal woman's hands, they chose to intervene in the form of a sword to strike her down: Excalibur.

Forged by Ixael, the God of Light, and bestowed upon Arthur by his twin, Ilael, the Goddess of Light, under the guise of a lady in a lake, the weapon gave him divine powers beyond that of any mortal man. It was a blade that not even Morgana’s most terrifying magics were able to touch, and with it, the gods had given Arthur their blessing.

In carrying it into battle, Arthur carried with him a fragment of the power of the gods of light, blinding and purifying foes with its brilliant glow and rending their weapons and their magics with its swing. What’s more, for as long as he had both the sword and its scabbard at his side, no mortal wound could kill him, and none of his blood would be spilled on the battlefield.

Limbs he lost to unlucky blows would quickly regenerate, and his strength and stamina would increase a hundredfold. The blade took all he had inside of him and amplified it, turning him into the champion of the gods, empowered to stop the woman who so foolishly sought to usurp them.

With Excalibur in hand, Arthur dealt many devastating blows to Morgana's armies, and in a harrowing duel, felled her lover, Accolon.

For Morgana, her lover’s death was the final straw. From then on, sorrow and rage consumed her entirely, and when she discovered that the sword and scabbard must be together for her brother to be invulnerable, she placed a powerful curse on the latter that not even the gods of light could defend against. The next time Arthur went into battle, its protections would be gone, and he would be left a mortal man.

In his very last battle with his beloved sister, Arthur died at Morgana’s hand. It is said that when she saw her brother’s blood on her hands, Morgana screamed and broke down crying, overcome with grief and regret at what she’d done. She then fled the battlefield in an explosion of darkness, leaving her followers to face the fallen king’s forces alone in a battle they could not win without her.

Having taken the still-sheathed Excalibur with her, Morgana drew it from its scabbard, only to find the blade unaffected by her curse. While the scabbard had been corrupted, the sword’s holy light had burned away all of the magic that tried to snake its way inside of it. She had become so corrupted by this point, so much as touching its hilt burned her flesh.

Defeated, Morgana laughed, and let the blade fall to the ground. Her brother and the gods had bested her once again.

Morgana was never the same following the loss of her brother. She became isolated and despondent, and her ambitions of unity and control had lost their luster. In the end, Morgana would concede that her brother and her master had been right all along, and that in trying so hard to prove them wrong, she’d lost everyone and everything that had ever meant anything to her. She’d lost her entire reason for even building a better world in the first place.

After dissolving her armies in a terrifying display of power, Morgana traveled to the lake where her brother had first received Excalibur, bringing both the blade and its scabbard with her. She tossed the corrupted scabbard into the waters, and then held the sword with her naked hands, welcoming its burn. Taking one last look at her brother’s kingdom in the distance and marveling at what he’d built, Morgana smiled, and then took her own life.

With Morgana and Arthur dead, the gods retrieved their holy blade and entrusted it to one of their own - a warrior who sought repentance, pitied by his brethren - and to this day, it remains in his collection.

The cursed scabbard of the blade, meanwhile, has been lost to time.

The gods would seek it from the depths of the lake, but never find it. Unbeknownst to them, one of Morgana's followers had retrieved it before them, and in time, a new legend would grow. The legend of an unholy sword equal in power to Excalibur - a Black Excalibur - born of any blade sheathed within an enchanted scabbard.

To this day, the whereabouts of the cursed scabbard and its Black Excalibur remain unknown. Though many have searched for it, none have ever found it.

According to the dragons, finding and destroying Black Excalibur and its scabbard stands as one of the warrior god Esaniel’s 13 Acts of Penance.

[idyllic-ghost]

Title: Learning to Love Pairing: jun x fem!reader Genre: friends to lovers, fluff, angst Wordcount: 5.3k Rating: PG15

Synopsis: junhui helps you through the five stages of love; acceptance, happiness, trust, love, and safety.

Warnings: insecurities, paparazzi, twitter, cats

A/N: i had a lot of fun writing this :)

Disclaimer: The scenarios and depictions in my works are fictional and do not represent real-life situations. They do not aim to reflect the complexities of any culture, city, or individual. All characters are entirely fictional, regardless of names or descriptions.

Join my taglist // Masterlists

It's been a year since Jun realized the truth himself, two years since his friends figured it out, yet nothing had changed. Love, especially the kind that tangled itself into your heart, was an unsolvable puzzle to Jun. How do people fall in love? And why is it so hard for feelings to fade, especially when you want them to? For him, that was the most pressing question. Why couldn’t his feelings disappear, and why was it so difficult for you to accept yours?

A year had passed since he first acknowledged his feelings for you, and it had been nearly six months since you came to terms with your own emotions. Despite both of you knowing, nothing had been done. Time felt like it was slipping through Jun's fingers, and he dreaded the thought of someone else walking into your life, taking the place he so desperately wanted. He wished his emotions would vanish, yet they only intensified in your presence.

Everything about you intoxicated him—your laugh, your smile, the soft touches, your voice. You consumed all his senses, leaving him unable to think straight. He was utterly drunk on you. So when you finally confessed that you were in love with him, his heart leapt with joy... until it crashed when you said you couldn’t be together. Since then, you remained friends, closer than ever yet miles apart. Sometimes, when you were right beside him, it felt as though an ocean separated you. And other times, like when he lay on your couch with you curled up on top of him, everything felt impossibly right.

Maybe you were watching a movie, or perhaps discussing something trivial—it didn’t matter. What mattered was the feel of your heartbeat syncing with his, the gentle weight of your head resting under his hand, the intoxicating scent of your skin, your legs tangled with his. In these moments, Jun felt the world collapse into just the two of you.

"Junhui..." you whispered, pulling him from his thoughts.

He could only hum in response, too consumed by you to speak.

"Could you ever imagine a life without me?"

It should’ve been a question that caught him off guard, but after an hour of simply lying there with you, his mind had shut down, leaving only the truth to escape.

"Maybe in another dimension..." he murmured. "But even if some divine force tried to pull you away from me, I’d fight to hold onto you. I wouldn’t know who I am without you."

Jun understood why you were scared. He wasn’t blind to the cameras constantly trying to capture his every move. If you were to be part of his world, his lover, the attention would be overwhelming—for you especially. He didn’t want to subject you to the harsh reality of being in the public eye. Yet, with the depth of his feelings, he thought it was worth the risk.

Your feelings were impossible to ignore—that’s why you had confessed. But the reality of being with Jun felt like too much to bear. Sure, there was his fame, the spotlight that constantly hovered over him, but even more pressing were your own insecurities. Jun had seen you at your most vulnerable, been there during the worst moments of your past relationships. He had been the one to hold you as you cried, the one to listen when the heartbreaks had left you raw and disillusioned. Now, the fear gnawed at you: what if this relationship crumbled too? Could you survive another broken heart, especially one involving Jun? Worse yet, would he be there to pick up the pieces again if things fell apart? The thought of losing him as a friend if the relationship failed left a bitter knot in your chest. And wasn’t it selfish, pulling him in when you weren’t sure if you could promise him a future?

Yet, despite all the doubts that clouded your mind, you couldn't stop watching him. Even when he did the most mundane tasks, Jun captivated you. Something as ordinary as washing dishes, with his sleeves rolled up and the soft hum of a tune on his lips, held more magic than any wild night out. There was a painful truth to this, one that you could hardly admit to yourself: you would do anything for Jun. But it felt like standing on the edge of a cliff, teetering between holding back and leaping into the unknown. And only Jun had the power to tell you whether to take that leap. The thought of giving him your heart, your vulnerability, terrified you. What if he didn’t catch you?

One late spring afternoon, you found yourself sitting on the cool kitchen tiles with him. It was your favorite spot during warm days, and the ice cream between you made the moment feel sweet and light. But then Jun turned to you, and his gaze held something more—something deeper. His eyes softened as he spoke your name, his voice gentle but steady.

"Y/N."

A soft giggle escaped your lips. "Junhui."

"I love you," he said, his words warm but serious.

"I know," you answered, your voice barely above a whisper.

"You love me," he repeated, as if grounding himself in the truth.

"Yes," you admitted, your heart fluttering in your chest.

"Then let me be with you." His eyes dropped to the bowl in his hands, a flicker of uncertainty passing over his face before he continued. "I know you need someone... Let me be that person."

His vulnerability took you by surprise. You hadn’t expected him to plead with you like this. If the circumstances were different, you might’ve teased him, but the weight of his words hung in the air.

"You know it wouldn’t work," you said quietly, a familiar wave of doubt creeping in.

"I don’t see it that way," Jun replied, his tone more determined. His eyes locked with yours, unwavering. "I see two people who love each other, both too afraid to step into something real."

You let out a sigh, the ache in your chest growing heavier. "I don’t know…"

"Then let me help you understand," he urged, his voice softening again. "How about five stages of love?"

Your brow furrowed in confusion. "Like... the five stages of grief?"

Jun let out a chuckle, nodding. "Exactly."

You raised an eyebrow, amused but curious. "What’s the first step?"

"Acceptance."

A laugh bubbled from your lips. "What does that even mean?"

"Accept that you’re in love with me," Jun said, his smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"...I already have," you replied, still confused. "I told you I love you."

"And I told you I love you," Jun said, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "Yet here we are, still just friends."

"So the first step is what—getting into a relationship with you?" you asked, half-joking.

"The first step is letting me take you out on a date," he clarified, his voice steady and sincere.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

Later that evening, you stood in front of the mirror, nerves twisting in your stomach. It had been so long since you’d been on a real date, and the fact that this one was with Jun made your heart race even faster. You’d agonized over your outfit, trying on dress after dress, shirt after shirt, until finally settling on a skirt and blouse that felt comfortable yet cute. But even as you stared at your reflection, doubt gnawed at you. Would he like it? Should it even matter?

Before you could second-guess yourself any further, a knock sounded at the door. You opened it to find Jun standing there, dressed in a casual disguise—a hoodie, cap, and sunglasses, as if the whole world didn’t already know who he was. He had something hidden behind his back, a playful smile on his face.

"Acceptance has arrived," he announced with pride, pulling a red rose from behind his back and offering it to you.

A smile spread across your lips as you took the flower. "Jun…"

"Ready for our date?" he asked, his voice laced with both excitement and a hint of nerves.

"I guess I am."

Jun walked beside you, the silence between you comfortable but filled with an undercurrent of tension. You could feel the anticipation in the way he occasionally glanced at you, as if gauging your reactions. When you finally reached the café, your eyes widened in surprise as you read the sign.

"Cats?!" you exclaimed, looking at him in disbelief. "A cat café?"

Jun simply hummed in confirmation, his smile widening as he watched your excitement unfold. Inside, the warm, cozy atmosphere of the café enveloped you, the faint sound of purring cats adding to the charm. After ordering iced coffees and a single slice of strawberry cake, you couldn’t help but smile at him again.

"You remembered I like strawberry cake," you said softly, the gesture tugging at your heart.

Jun’s grin widened, a playful light in his eyes. "How could I forget? It’s your favorite."

The cozy corner booth of the café was where you settled, the soft lighting casting a warm glow around you. Jun slid in beside you, close enough that your shoulders were almost touching. The soft hum of chatter filled the air, but in that moment, the world felt smaller, as if it consisted only of the two of you. On the small table between you sat a slice of strawberry cake, crowned with a single, perfect strawberry. Without a word, Jun used his spoon to nudge the strawberry in your direction.

You smiled softly, taking the strawberry and popping it into your mouth. "Why a cat café?" you asked, your voice curious as the sweetness of the fruit lingered.

"I thought the cats might seal the deal," Jun replied, his lips curving into a mischievous smile. You chuckled at his light-heartedness, but your amusement was cut short when he tilted his head, his eyes playful. "You’ve got whipped cream on your cheek."

"Ugh, already?" You groaned and quickly tried to swipe it away with your fingers, though it seemed to evade your grasp.

Jun let out a teasing laugh, his eyes sparkling. "Not there. Here, let me."

Gently, Jun reached over, his thumb grazing the corner of your mouth as he wiped away the cream. Without hesitation, he brought his thumb to his lips and licked it clean, his eyes never leaving yours. The casual intimacy of the moment sent a warm flush to your cheeks, and you quickly grabbed your coffee, taking a long sip to avoid his gaze.

"So... did it work?" he asked, the corner of his mouth tugging up in a smirk.

"What?" you blinked, looking back at him, momentarily lost in your thoughts.

"The cats. Did they seal the deal?" His playful tone made your heart flutter.

You shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. "I haven’t seen them yet, so I wouldn’t know." You paused, a teasing smile creeping onto your lips. "But I bet they’ll steal your thunder."

Jun laughed, his shoulder gently nudging yours in response. Then, with a contented smile, he scooped up a piece of the cake. You couldn’t help but smile too. Watching him, so at ease and happy, filled you with a warmth that you couldn’t quite explain. There was something deeply fulfilling about seeing Jun like this—so happy, so content. It made you wonder why you were holding back. Could Jun ever hurt you? He remembered every little detail, finding ways to make you smile even in your darkest moments. Perhaps that’s why the thought of losing him hurt more than you could bear.

"Y/N?" Jun’s soft voice pulled you from your reverie. "Are you alright?"

You forced a small smile, brushing the lingering thoughts away. "Just thinking…"

Jun grinned, leaning in slightly. "Oh no, don’t do that," he teased, his voice light. "To reach the first stage of love, you’ve got to stop overthinking and just do it."

You chuckled, taking another bite of the cake. As you did, your hair slipped forward, falling across your face. Without hesitation, Jun reached out, tucking the loose strands behind your ear. His touch was soft, sending a shiver down your spine.

"Maybe you're right," you murmured, nodding slightly. "I’ll stop thinking for a while."

When the cake was finished, you wandered over to the cat area, buying a small bag of treats along the way. Cats of all shapes and sizes lounged around, some basking in the warm sun streaming through the windows, others playfully batting at toys. You immediately gravitated toward a tabby cat, crouching down to pet him, but he sniffed your hand and turned away, indifferent.

Jun’s laughter came from behind you. "You're moving too fast," he said, crouching down beside you, his voice laced with amusement.

You watched as Jun extended his hand toward the tabby, but instead of petting it, he simply held his hand out nearby. The cat sniffed the air but didn’t move at first. Slowly, though, curiosity won out, and the tabby leaned forward, giving Jun’s hand a tentative sniff.

"See?" Jun said with a proud smile. "Now he’s interested. You just have to give him a moment."

Sure enough, the cat began to nuzzle against Jun’s hand, and Jun gently stroked his fur, his smile growing wider. "Of course," he added, his eyes flicking to you, "you could always bribe them with treats. That’ll win them over in no time."

At his suggestion, you pulled out the bag of cat treats, the crinkling sound immediately capturing the attention of every cat in the café. Within seconds, a small horde of them approached you, meowing and circling your feet, eyes wide with anticipation.

"Jun..." you said, a hint of worry in your voice. "They’re ganging up on me."

Jun chuckled, now cradling the tabby in his lap, the cat already fast asleep. "Sorry, Y/N, you’re on your own with this one."

Sitting down, you began distributing the treats, trying your best to give each cat an equal share. The sight of you, surrounded by eager felines, brought a look of adoration to Jun’s face. Watching you, he felt his heart swell, his affection for you deepening with every passing moment.

As you stepped out of the cozy café, the warm scent of coffee and sweet pastries still lingering in the air, Jun’s hand reached toward yours. You noticed the movement in your peripheral vision, a subtle shift, and for a brief moment, you hesitated. The instinct to pull away surfaced—your heart fluttered with uncertainty. But then, something inside you softened, a quiet realization that there was nothing to fear. Slowly, you let your fingers slip into his, the warmth of his hand immediately enveloping yours.

Jun's entire face lit up, his smile so bright it could have rivaled the sun filtering through the trees around you. His grip was gentle but steady, as if he were anchoring himself to the moment.

"Congratulations," he said, his tone teasing but filled with a quiet triumph. His thumb brushed lightly over the back of your hand. "You’ve reached the first stage of love."

A laugh bubbled up from your chest, the sound mixing with the soft rustling of the leaves in the breeze. "What’s the next stage?"

"Happiness," he replied, his eyes sparkling with mischief, as if he were sharing a secret that only the two of you could understand.

You gave him a skeptical look, amusement dancing on your lips. "Did you plan all of this beforehand?"

Jun’s grin widened, the playful glint in his eyes undeniable. "You bet I did."

There was a quiet confidence in his voice, a knowingness that made your heart skip a beat. You couldn’t help but wonder how much thought he had really put into this—into you. And with your fingers still entwined, walking side by side, you felt that happiness was something you could almost reach out and touch.

The next time you saw Jun, it was at his dorm. He’d texted, asking you to come over, but when you arrived, he was still in the shower. Chan had opened the door, grumbling about Jun’s terrible time management as he led you to his room. You thanked him, and with a knowing smirk, he left you there, alone in Jun’s space. You sat on his bed, fidgeting with the edge of the blanket, feeling slightly out of place in the quiet.

Then, the door swung open. Jun stood in the doorway, and for a heartbeat, everything stopped. There he was—wearing nothing but a towel slung low around his waist, his damp hair dripping onto the floor. His eyes widened, matching your own shocked expression.

“Oh my god!" Jun blurted, his voice an octave higher than usual. "What are you doing here?!"

"You asked me to come!" you stammered, your cheeks already heating up. Instinctively, you slapped your hands over your eyes in embarrassment.

"How did you even get in?!" he asked, scrambling to the closet to grab clothes, the panic evident in his voice.

"Chan let me in!" you replied, your hands still covering your face. "And you really shouldn't invite people over when you're still... like this!"

"I thought I’d be fast!" Jun mumbled, his voice muffled by the sound of him hastily pulling on clothes.

After a moment of shuffling, you felt a soft, warm touch on your wrists. Slowly, Jun pulled your hands away from your eyes. You opened them cautiously, and there he was—fully clothed now, but still with droplets of water glistening in his dark hair. His brown eyes locked onto yours, intense yet soft, and the sunlight streaming through the window caught the golden flecks in his irises, making them gleam. He held your gaze, and for a second, the world around you faded.

You felt one hand slip free from his gentle grasp, moving on its own as you reached up to push his wet hair back from his forehead. Jun smiled, that familiar, warm smile that made your heart skip. You’d go to the ends of the earth for him, and in that moment, you knew without a doubt that he would do the same for you.

Unable to stop yourself, you smiled back, the urge to close the space between you growing stronger. You were just about to lean in when—

"Jun, Y/N’s here—oh!" Chan’s voice burst through the room as he barged in, only to retreat with a laugh and a wide grin. "Never mind!"

Jun let out a long sigh, stepping back from you, his hand still lightly holding yours. He looked toward the door, clearly irritated, but instead of shouting after Chan, he turned back to you with a resigned smile.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked, though there was amusement in his voice.

"I don’t know," you replied with a teasing shrug, your lips curling into a mischievous grin. "You just look so cute when you're serious."

Jun’s ears immediately flushed red, and he quickly turned away, trying to hide his embarrassment. You knew how much calling him cute got to him—it always did.

"Jun..." you giggled, standing up to get closer. He was taller, but that didn’t stop you from standing on your toes and placing your chin on his shoulder, playfully nudging him. "Why are you so shy?" you teased, your voice a soft whisper near his ear.

He shot you a side-eye, and for a split second, you saw a glint of mischief in his gaze, like he was contemplating getting back at you. But he didn’t. Instead, he relented with a sigh, turning his face away again, clearly flustered.

"Because you make me nervous," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "You make my heart race."

His words took you by surprise, your breath catching in your throat. He turned to face you fully, gently grabbing your hand and pressing it against his chest. Beneath your palm, you could feel it—the rapid, steady thump of his heartbeat. He wasn’t exaggerating. His heart was racing.

Your own heartbeat quickened as you gazed into his eyes, feeling the depth of his sincerity. "But I feel so comfortable around you," you whispered, your voice softening. "Jun, you’re my home. You don’t have to be nervous with me."

His lips curved into a smile, one that he tried—and failed—to suppress. "It’s not something I can control," he confessed, his voice barely steady. "I think… you’ll always make my heart beat faster."

The warmth of his words wrapped around you like a blanket, and before you knew it, you had your arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. He melted into your embrace, and for a while, the two of you just stood there, breathing in each other’s presence, neither of you wanting to break the moment.

"What’s the second stage again?" you asked softly, your voice muffled against his chest.

"Happiness," Jun murmured, his arms tightening around you.

You smiled against him. "Jun, you’ve already succeeded," you whispered. "You make me happy."

Jun didn’t respond with words—he just held you closer, as if he wanted to soak in every ounce of the emotion between you. In that moment, the world outside didn’t matter. The happiness you shared was more than enough.

After a long silence, Jun pulled back slightly, his brow furrowing in playful frustration. "Damn… I had a whole plan for today too," he muttered, running a hand through his still-damp hair.

You tilted your head, intrigued. "What plan?"

Jun glanced away, the tips of his ears turning red again. "It’s embarrassing now. Let’s just watch a movie or something."

"But now I really want to know!" you whined, grabbing onto his arm as he made his way toward the TV.

Jun laughed, his shoulders shaking as he gently pried your hand off him. "Nope. It’s ruined. We’re sticking to the movie plan."

You pouted, tugging at his sleeve with playful persistence. "Come on, Jun! Tell me!"

He shook his head, his laugh deepening, but he never told you what his plan had been. Whatever it was, you knew it didn’t matter. You were already happy, and from the way Jun’s eyes sparkled whenever he looked at you, you could tell he was too.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

It had been a while since you and Jun started this whole game of stages—since the first tentative steps toward something deeper had begun to unfold between you. Now, weeks later, you found yourself back in a familiar spot: lying comfortably on your bed, the soft fabric beneath you pulling you into its embrace. The sound of Jun’s voice, warm and familiar, filled the quiet room, wrapping around you like a soothing melody.

"What’s the third stage?" you asked, stretching out luxuriously on your bed, feeling the soft fabric beneath you as your body sank into the comfort of it.

"It’s trust," he answered after a brief pause, the familiar hint of amusement in his voice. Even after all this time, he had a way of making the simplest words feel loaded with meaning.

"Trust?" You echoed, letting out a soft, playful chuckle. "That sounds almost too easy." You stretched lazily, a teasing smile tugging at your lips as you settled deeper into the comfort of your bed. "I trust you completely, Jun. I thought we were past this stage already. Looks like we’re headed for another round of happiness."

The teasing lilt in your voice hung in the air, playful but with a certain intimacy that only grew stronger over time. With Jun, every stage had brought a new layer of complexity to your relationship—one that was never quite as simple as it seemed.

Jun’s tone shifted, his voice dropping just enough to make your heart skip a beat. "We’ll see about that," he said, a hint of mystery creeping into his words. "How about you meet me at my place in a bit?"

You smiled, the image of him already filling your mind. "Just make sure you’re not in the shower when I get there this time," you teased, a grin spreading across your face as you remembered that particular incident from months ago.

Jun’s deep chuckle resonated through the speaker, the sound sending a familiar thrill through you. "I promise, no surprise showers this time. But I can’t guarantee there won’t be other surprises."

His words lingered between you, heavy with anticipation. The thought of what he might have planned stirred something inside you, the game of stages suddenly feeling like it was leading somewhere deeper, more significant.

As you hung up, your pulse quickened, a mixture of excitement and curiosity bubbling up. Trust, he’d said. You had no idea what he had in mind, but somehow, you knew this stage was going to be more than just another test of your bond—it was going to change everything.

When you arrived, Jun was waiting outside his dorm, blending into the quiet street with his familiar disguise—an oversized hoodie, sunglasses hiding most of his face, and a cap pulled low over his brow. Despite the attempt to go unnoticed, there was a certain tension in the way he stood, his posture stiff as he scanned the area around him. The moment you reached him, he grabbed your hand, his grip firm, and immediately set off at a brisk pace, his steps quick and purposeful.

"What's going on? Are you okay?" you asked, your voice laced with concern as you noticed the way his shoulders were slightly hunched, the tension radiating from him unmistakable.

"I think someone's been following me," he whispered, his voice low and steady, almost too calm given the situation.

A wave of worry surged through you, your heartbeat quickening at the thought. "What? Jun, if that’s true, we should go back inside. You need to call your company!"

Jun shook his head, a soft, almost playful smile tugging at the corner of his lips despite the seriousness of what he had just said. "No, no," he murmured, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze. "I promised you we’d go out. We just have to hurry a bit."

Even with his face half-hidden, you could tell he was trying to keep things light, his smile radiating a warmth that calmed your initial fear. Still, the idea of someone following him gnawed at you. Part of you wanted to insist on going back, on keeping him safe—but a stronger part of you trusted him, and more than anything, you wanted to be by his side, wherever that led.

He led you through winding streets until you reached the entrance to a theme park, the colorful lights from the rides flickering in the early evening air. The moment your eyes landed on the towering Ferris wheel in the distance, you gasped, your excitement bubbling over.

"Jun!" you exclaimed, practically bouncing in place as you tugged at his hand. "I haven’t been to a theme park in forever! But… wait, what does this have to do with trust?"

Jun’s grin widened, the hint of mischief clear in his expression as he intertwined his fingers with yours. "Because I’m going to make you go on all the scariest rides with me."

You rolled your eyes playfully, letting out a soft scoff. "Please, I can handle it. Besides, it’s not you I’m putting my trust in—it’s the rides."

Jun let out a quiet laugh, the sound mixing with the distant screams of excitement from nearby roller coasters. He didn’t argue, just led you deeper into the park, his hand still holding yours as your arms brushed against each other with every step. The bustling crowd swirled around you—children squealing with delight, couples laughing, the smell of cotton candy and popcorn wafting through the air. The vibrant energy of the park wrapped around you, pulling you in, and as you looked up at the dazzling lights overhead, your excitement only grew.

The day had been an exhilarating blur of flashing lights, heart-pounding rides, and sugar-dusted treats that left you giddy with excitement. You and Jun had spent hours racing from one ride to the next, your laughter and screams mingling with the roar of the crowd. The sounds of the park—children’s delighted squeals, the hum of roller coasters, and the distant pop of carnival games—created a whirlwind of joy around you. But now, as the day began to wind down, the adrenaline had given way to a soft, blissful exhaustion.

Jun’s hand had somehow found yours during the chaos, and it stayed there, warm and secure, as the two of you made your way toward the towering Ferris wheel you’d admired earlier. The glow of the park lights flickered against the darkening sky, casting a soft golden hue over everything.

"Do you want to ride the Ferris wheel before we leave?" Jun asked, his voice quieter now, tinged with something softer, as if the end of the day had brought with it a sense of calm.

You nodded, feeling the last bit of excitement settle into a peaceful contentment. "Yeah, that sounds perfect."

As you stepped into the enclosed booth, the cool evening air kissed your skin, the day’s warmth fading into the crispness of dusk. The Ferris wheel began its slow ascent, and the sky above was painted in delicate hues of pink, orange, and purple, as if the sunset itself was putting on a show just for you. You sat across from Jun, eyes glued to the breathtaking view, as the city stretched out beneath you like a living painting. The world below seemed so far away, and for a moment, it felt like it was just the two of you, floating above everything.

"It’s so beautiful," you murmured, your gaze lost in the colors of the sky as the wheel lifted you higher.

"It is," Jun agreed, though when you turned to glance at him, you realized his eyes weren’t on the sunset—they were on you. The soft light of the fading sun illuminated your face, and he watched you with such quiet intensity that it made your heart skip. In that instant, the noise of the park, the distant sounds of life below—it all disappeared. It was just him. Just you.

His hand, warm and steady, came to rest gently on your knee, drawing your attention fully to him. You met his gaze, the soft smile on his lips hiding something deeper—something vulnerable, as though he was searching for the right moment.

"Y/N?" he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper, as if speaking too loudly might break the fragile stillness between you.

"Junhui," you replied, feeling the weight of his gaze and the sudden heaviness in your chest.

"Can I kiss you?"

His words hung in the air, your heart racing as the meaning behind them sank in. Your face flushed, and for a second, everything around you seemed to blur, leaving only Jun—his hand warm on your knee, his eyes soft but steady, his presence grounding you in a moment that felt larger than just a kiss.

"Do you really want to?" you asked, your voice trembling with uncertainty.

Jun nodded, his expression unwavering. "I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t."

You hesitated, your mind racing. "But… what if someone sees?"

Jun’s lips curved into a soft, reassuring smile. "Then they’ll see two people kissing on a Ferris wheel. It’s not exactly unusual."

"But we’re not a couple…" you whispered, the doubt creeping in. "What if nothing changes? What if we stay stuck like this—unsure?"

His hand on your knee tightened slightly, a subtle gesture that conveyed his sincerity. "We won’t be stuck. I promise." His voice was steady, his eyes never leaving yours. "Do you want to kiss me?"

"I do," you admitted, your voice barely audible, as if saying it too loud would make the moment too real.

"Then trust me," he whispered, his tone gentle but firm. "Let go. You can trust me, okay?"

His words melted the last of your hesitation, and slowly, almost tentatively, you leaned in. Jun did the same, his hand moving from your knee to gently cup your cheek. Your breaths mingled in the small space between you as your knees brushed together, the soft glow of the sunset bathing you in its warmth. In that suspended moment, it felt as though time had stopped.

When your lips finally met his, it was like something inside you came to life. A flutter of warmth spread through your chest, and your stomach swirled with the delicate feeling of butterflies taking flight. His kiss was soft, unhurried, and full of a quiet tenderness that left you breathless. As your lips parted, you lingered for a moment longer, eyes still closed, savoring the feel of him.

Jun let out a low, satisfied chuckle, and when you finally opened your eyes, you found him gazing at you with pure adoration.

"You’re cute," he whispered, resting his forehead against yours.

Your face flushed deeper, a shy laugh escaping your lips. "I can’t believe that just happened."

Jun grinned, his eyes crinkling with amusement as he leaned in to plant another quick kiss on your lips. You buried your face in your hands, trying to stifle the sudden urge to giggle like a schoolgirl, your heart racing with the aftermath of the moment.

"So," he teased, his voice light and playful, "third stage completed?"

Peeking out from behind your hands, you found yourself smiling so wide it almost hurt. "Sure," you said, nodding with a laugh. "You’ve earned my trust, Jun."

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

The next few days passed in a blur of soft, intimate moments—small gestures that spoke louder than words. Though you and Jun never officially talked about your relationship, you didn’t need to. The unspoken understanding between you was clear in the way his hand always found yours, the way he stole gentle kisses when no one was watching, or how he leaned in close just to feel your presence. It was a quiet rhythm you both settled into, comfortable and natural.

One evening, the two of you were in your tiny kitchen, bathed in the warm glow of the overhead light, making hot pot together. Jun stood behind you, his arms loosely wrapped around your waist, his chin resting on your shoulder as he guided you through the recipe.

"No, no, no—wait!" he laughed, his breath warm against your ear as you almost dropped the vegetables into the pot too soon. "If you do it like that, you’ll ruin it!"

"Says who?" you shot back, giggling as you leaned back into the solid warmth of his chest.

"It’ll taste weird, trust me." He pressed a quick, playful kiss to your cheek, sending a wave of warmth through you.

You pouted dramatically, making him laugh. With a soft smile, Jun leaned down to kiss away your pout, his lips lingering against yours. "I really like that I can kiss you now," he murmured, his voice soft against your skin.

You chuckled, your fingers lightly grazing his arm. "I like it too." Turning your attention back to the pot, you asked, "So... what’s the fourth stage?"

Jun’s arms slipped from your waist, his hands now resting on the counter beside you as he leaned in. "Love," he said simply, the word hanging between you.

You furrowed your brows, slightly confused. "But I’ve already told you I love you."

"Not just the words," he replied, his voice softer now. "The feeling."

You turned to him, raising an eyebrow. "And how will you know if I feel something?"

Jun’s eyes twinkled with playful mischief. "We’ve already reached trust, so I’m hoping you’ll tell me." His lips curled into a knowing smile.

His words sent a familiar warmth creeping into your chest. He was right—trust had already built a bridge between you. But even so, a shy uncertainty still lingered. "I’ll tell you," you promised quietly, looking up at him. "But you have to swear not to tease me when I do."

Jun’s smile softened into something warmer, more intimate. "I promise," he said, his gaze full of affection.

A few days later, Jun texted you, asking to meet at a park not far from where you both used to walk years ago, when he was still a trainee and you were working your retail job. A rush of nostalgia filled you, and you eagerly replied, getting ready with a growing sense of excitement. When you arrived at the park, you half expected Jun to be in his usual hoodie-and-sunglasses disguise. Instead, there he stood, looking effortlessly handsome in a crisp white button-up, light-washed jeans, and the old jacket you had given him for his birthday years ago.

"Still wearing that old thing?" you teased as you approached, your heart doing a little flip at the sight of him.

"Every chance I get," Jun said with a warm smile, leaning in for a kiss.

You quickly dodged, going for a hug instead. "What if someone sees us?" you whispered in his ear, your breath hitching slightly as you realized how exposed he was without his usual disguise. "And you’re not even wearing a cap!"

Jun pulled back just enough to give you a look—his eyes soft and full of longing that made your heart race. "But I want to kiss you," he murmured, his voice low. "No one's ever around here anyway. We’ll be fine."

He was right—the park was mostly empty, with only a few distant figures scattered about. But the cautious part of you couldn’t let go completely. "Let’s just... keep a little distance, just in case," you said softly.

Jun sighed, but the smile on his face never wavered. "Alright, if it makes you feel better."

You walked side by side in comfortable silence for a while, the quiet rustle of leaves beneath your feet the only sound between you. Occasionally, Jun’s fingers would graze yours, and each time, you shot him a playful, stern look, only for him to grin mischievously in response. It was moments like this—so simple, yet so charged with affection—that filled your heart to the brim.

Before long, Jun led you to an old, rusty bus stop—the one where you used to wait for your bus after long shifts. A wave of nostalgia hit you as memories of those early mornings and late-night conversations came rushing back.

"The bus stop," you whispered, your voice tinged with a mixture of fondness and surprise.

"It’s not in use anymore, but they kept the booth," Jun said, nodding toward the structure now overgrown with grass, its once bright paint faded with time. The bench inside was worn and weathered, but it still stood, a quiet relic of the past.

You stepped inside, running your fingers along the rough, weathered surface of the bench as you sat down. "I can’t believe it’s been so long," you murmured, taking in the familiar surroundings.

Jun stood beside you, his gaze tracing the graffiti-covered walls, where names, doodles, and love notes had been etched over the years. "Looking for something?" you asked, noticing the way his eyes were scanning the wall with intent.

"There it is," he said, pointing to a scribbled mark high on the wall: Y/N♡.

A wide smile spread across your face as you knelt down, looking for your own contribution. "Found mine!" you called, pointing to a faded doodle near the bottom.

Jun crouched beside you, laughing when he saw your handiwork: *Junhui /ᐠ. .ᐟ*

"That’s a lot of effort for a doodle," he teased, his laughter light and easy.

"Well, I am the artist in this relationship, aren’t I?" you grinned.

The two of you stayed there, crouched side by side, admiring the faded scribbles that once meant everything to the younger versions of yourselves. It was such a simple, quiet moment, yet it filled you with a sense of warmth and contentment. "I used to think about you a lot back then," you admitted softly, the words escaping before you could stop them. "Even with that haircut you had."

Jun gasped, feigning offense. "Hey! It was stylish for the time!"

You giggled, shaking your head just as the first few drops of rain started to fall. The soft pitter-patter against the bus stop’s roof echoed around you, quickly growing into a steady downpour.

"Of course," Jun muttered, glancing up at the sky.

You sighed, feeling the cool air shift with the arrival of the storm. "Looks like we’re going to have to run for it."

Jun’s playful smile returned as he shrugged. "We’ll get drenched either way. Might as well wait it out."

You glanced up at the heavy clouds, knowing the rain wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Before you could respond, Jun was already shrugging off his jacket, draping it over your shoulders and pulling the hood up to protect you from the rain.

"What about you?" you asked, glancing at him as the rain began to soak through his shirt.

"I’ll be fine. I’m the one who dragged you out here in the first place," he said, his grin cheeky and endearing.

You smiled up at him, grateful for the warmth of his jacket. "Well, I’m glad you did."

His hands remained on the jacket’s edges, and before you could react, he used them to gently pull you closer, his lips brushing against yours in a soft, lingering kiss. The rain drummed steadily around you, but all you could feel was the warmth of Jun’s lips on yours, the world narrowing to just the two of you.

When he finally pulled away, there was a mischievous glint in his eye. "Come on," he said, grabbing your hand before you could respond.

Laughing, you let him lead you into the rain, the two of you sprinting through the downpour, the joy of the moment carrying you both home.

Later that evening, the world outside seemed to vanish, leaving just you and Jun wrapped up in the cozy warmth of your apartment. Fresh from a shared shower, your skin still held the lingering warmth of the water, and the faint scent of his shampoo clung to your hair. The soft glow of a table lamp cast a golden hue over the room, while you were curled up together on the couch, nestled under a blanket. Jun lay beneath you, his arms draped around your waist, holding you close as some movie played in the background. The gentle rise and fall of his chest was soothing, a rhythm you found yourself syncing with.

But the film had long since faded into the background, the flickering images on the screen barely registering anymore. Your attention was wholly focused on him—on the way his lips twitched every now and then in amusement at something on-screen, the feel of his breath against your cheek, and the comforting weight of his arms around you. You rested your head against his chest, hearing the steady beat of his heart, and each beat seemed to stir something deeper within you.

You tilted your head slightly, your gaze locking onto his face. He looked peaceful, content, and utterly captivating in the soft light. A wave of emotion swelled in your chest, overwhelming in its intensity, and before you even realized what you were saying, the words slipped from your lips.

"I love you," you whispered, the confession soft but laced with certainty, the kind that felt like it had been building for so long it could no longer be contained. It wasn’t planned—it just was, raw and honest.

Jun’s brows lifted in surprise, his eyes flicking to yours, searching. For a moment, it seemed like he wasn’t sure if he’d heard you correctly. Then, slowly, a smile began to spread across his face, his eyes lighting up with something warm and tender.

"Really?" His voice was soft, curious, as if he were waiting for you to explain, to make sense of something that had caught him off guard.

You smiled, the weight of your feelings making your chest feel lighter, freer. "I’m feeling it," you said with a grin, your voice steady. "It’s not just a word anymore. It’s… everything."

Jun’s expression softened even more, his eyes never leaving yours. He shifted beneath you, sitting up slightly so that he could look at you better, his face glowing with a brightness you’d never seen before. "Thank you for telling me," he whispered, his voice filled with sincerity that made your heart flutter. "I love you too."

His words, spoken so gently, felt like a promise. You could feel the warmth of them wrapping around you, sinking into your skin and settling deep in your chest. In that moment, everything felt like it was clicking into place, and there was no hesitation, no doubt—just a certainty that had always been there, waiting for this moment.

You leaned in, closing the distance between you, and kissed him. It wasn’t a tentative kiss, but one filled with all the certainty you had been holding back for so long. His lips were soft, warm, and familiar, but this kiss was different—it was slow, deep, and full of the love that you both had been too careful to fully express before now.

Jun’s hands slid up your back, pulling you closer as he deepened the kiss, his lips moving with yours in perfect sync. His touch was gentle but insistent, as if he was savoring every second of it, wanting to hold onto the moment for as long as possible. You felt the weight of everything you’d shared—the laughter, the quiet moments, the fears—and it all seemed to come together in this one kiss, as though the two of you had finally reached the point where words were no longer enough.

When you finally pulled away, your foreheads rested against each other, your breaths mingling in the small space between you. Neither of you spoke for a moment, the silence stretching out, but it wasn’t empty. It was filled with the understanding that something had shifted—something profound, something real.

Jun’s eyes fluttered open, and the way he looked at you, his gaze filled with so much love and warmth, made your heart swell even more. "I’ve never been this happy," he said softly, his thumb brushing against your cheek.

You smiled, your heart full, knowing that you had never felt more certain of anything in your life. There was only one stage left now, whatever it was. But in this moment, you couldn’t imagine wanting anything more than what you had right now—each other.

The next morning, you were startled awake by the sound of muffled cursing just outside your bedroom door. Groggy and disoriented, you reached out for Jun, expecting to find him still curled up beside you. But the bed was empty, the sheets slightly cool where he had been. Your phone buzzed repeatedly on the nightstand, but you ignored it, pushing yourself up and padding softly to the door.

As you opened it, the sight of Jun pacing in the hallway greeted you. His phone was pressed to his ear, his brows furrowed in frustration. "Yeah, I’m still here," he sighed, his voice tense. "Seungcheol, listen—I didn’t think anyone else would be there. It wasn’t her fault. I was being careless."

A cold wave of dread washed over you, the weight of his words sinking in. You lingered by the doorframe, watching him, a knot forming in your stomach. Why is Jun talking to Seungcheol like that? What happened?

He turned to you then, his face a mix of concern and guilt. "Y/N, don’t check social media—"

But it was already too late. Your heart pounded in your chest as you reached for your phone, fingers trembling as you unlocked it and opened Twitter. The first thing you saw were photos—pictures of you and Jun together, splashed across your timeline. You clicked on a tweet that led to an article, and as you scrolled down, your stomach dropped. There you were, at the cat café, holding hands outside the park, waiting in line at the theme park. And then, the final blow: photos of the two of you kissing at the old bus stop.

It felt like the ground beneath you was crumbling. Your vision blurred with tears, panic rising as the weight of exposure settled over you. You threw your phone onto the bed, turning toward Jun with a trembling voice. "Junhui, I told you!" you shouted, your words cracking as the first tear slipped down your cheek. "I told you we should’ve been careful!"

He stood there, guilt etched across his face, but your frustration blinded you to his pain. Your anger boiled over, driven by fear and anxiety. "I told you!" you repeated, your voice breaking with each word. The overwhelming fear of your relationship being exposed pushed you to the edge, and before you knew it, you were sobbing, unable to hold it all back.

"Y/N…" Jun whispered softly, taking a step toward you, his hands reaching out as if to comfort you.

"Just… leave, Jun," you managed between sobs, your voice barely holding together. You couldn’t handle it. The pressure, the attention—everything felt like too much.

"We can figure this out—"

"No!" you screamed, throwing a pillow at him in desperation. "Just leave!"

His face twisted with hurt, but he didn’t argue. Without another word, Jun gathered his things, his movements slow, as though he were giving you time to change your mind. But you didn’t. You couldn’t. The door clicked shut behind him, the sound final and painfully quiet, leaving you alone with the heavy silence of your empty apartment. Heartbroken. And full of regret.

For days, you couldn’t bring yourself to leave the apartment. You called in sick to work, letting the world outside pass by as you cocooned yourself in the safety of your home. Your social media had blown up—articles speculating about your identity, fans’ reactions flooding your notifications. Some supportive, many angry. You couldn’t bear to look at any of it. Each mention felt like a stab to the chest, a reminder of what you were trying to avoid.

You hadn’t spoken to Jun since that morning. Your friends had reached out, even his friends tried, but you ignored them all. The weight of what had happened felt impossible to escape. It was too much to fix, too much to face.

One afternoon, while you lay on the couch, numbly spooning ice cream straight from the tub, your phone rang. You ignored it at first, but something made you check the screen. Seungkwan.

For some reason, you decided to answer.

"Hello?" your voice came out rough, thick with exhaustion and emotion.

"Thank god you’re alive," Seungkwan exhaled heavily, relief palpable in his tone. "I was starting to think you’d vanished."

"Might as well have," you muttered, sinking further into the cushions. "I can’t face any of this."

"Y/N, listen to me." Seungkwan’s voice softened, a hint of urgency creeping in. "Please, call Jun. He’s blaming himself for everything, and he’s not handling it well. He—"

"I can’t, Seungkwan." Your voice broke, the weight of guilt settling even heavier on your chest. "I can’t face him. I said awful things. I blamed him when it wasn’t his fault. How am I supposed to fix that?"

"You two were made for each other," Seungkwan said, his voice filled with quiet conviction. "You need him, and he needs you. You won’t get through this without each other."

Before you could respond, there was a sudden knock at your door. Panic flared in your chest. "Hold on," you whispered, placing the phone down as you approached the door cautiously. Peering through the peephole, you saw a man with a camera, speaking, though you couldn’t hear him through the door. Your heart sank, dread turning to full-blown fear. You rushed to the window, pulling back the curtain just enough to glimpse a crowd of people outside—cameras ready, waiting for a glimpse of you.

"Seungkwan," you whispered, your voice shaky. "They found me."

Not long after, a security guard arrived at your door, escorting you to a hotel far from home, somewhere safe from the cameras and the relentless prying eyes. It was a quiet refuge from the chaos, but no matter how comfortable the hotel was, it felt cold and unfamiliar.

You spent most of your time lying in the plush bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, or sitting on the balcony, watching the sky change. You barely ate, barely slept. The only calls you answered were Seungkwan’s, though you didn’t know why. He was the only connection to your life before the chaos erupted, the only voice that made you feel less alone.

Then one evening, your phone rang. You answered without checking the caller ID, expecting Seungkwan.

"Hello?" you greeted, your voice weary.

"Y/N?"

It wasn’t Seungkwan. It was Jun.

Your breath caught in your throat, your heart hammering in your chest. You glanced at the caller ID, confused to see Seungkwan’s name still there.

"Is that… Seungkwan?" you asked, hoping it was some sort of mix-up.

"It’s me," Jun replied softly, his voice tender but full of tension.

You wanted to hang up, to retreat back into the safety of your solitude, but something stopped you. You stayed silent, waiting for him to speak.

"I’m sorry," he whispered, his voice cracking with emotion. "For everything."

"You…" You swallowed, your heart heavy with guilt. "You don’t have to apologize. It wasn’t your fault. I was the one who lost it."

Jun let out a soft, broken laugh, and for the first time in days, you felt the weight in your chest begin to ease, just a little.

"Y/N?" His voice was tentative.

"Junhui?"

"I still love you," he said, the words quiet but full of emotion.

The unexpected confession sent a wave of relief washing over you, but you didn’t know how to respond. All you could manage was a quiet, "...That’s nice."

Jun chuckled softly at your response, and though you couldn’t see him, you could almost picture the way his lips would curl into a small smile.

"Y/N," he said, his tone growing serious, "you’re one of the strongest people I know. What are you so afraid of? You told me you loved me before all of this, but now… now you can’t even say it?"

You sighed, feeling the weight of the past few days pressing down on you again. "I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t know if I can love someone when I feel this vulnerable."

"Love isn’t a weakness," Jun replied gently. "Love is what holds us together, what makes us stronger. When I ask you to love me, I’m not asking for everything you have. I just want you. As you are."

His words broke through the fear that had been holding you captive. You trusted Jun—you always had. More importantly, you loved him. And that love was enough.

"I’ll try," you whispered, your voice small but steady.

There was a knock at your door, and for a moment, your heart stopped. But when you peered through the peephole, you saw Jun standing there, holding Seungkwan’s phone. Relief flooded your body as you flung the door open, your heart racing.

Without thinking, you threw your arms around him, burying your face in his chest. "You’re the worst," you mumbled into his shirt, your voice muffled by the fabric. "I thought it was more paparazzi."

Jun chuckled, wrapping his arms around you tightly. "I wanted to surprise you."

You pulled back slightly, looking up at him with a playful smile. "Was this the fifth stage? Sweet-talking me until I came around?"

He smiled, brushing a strand of hair from your face. "No. The fifth stage was safety."

"...I feel safe here," you whispered, resting your head against his chest. "I’m glad you came. I don’t know how much longer I could’ve lasted with only Seungkwan’s calls."

Jun kissed the top of your head gently. "I’m just glad you opened the door."

He held out his hand, and for the first time in days, you took it without hesitation. There was no fear, no nerves. You felt safe with him, like you always had.

"Want to come back to the dorms with me?" he asked lightly. "What if someone sees us?"

You smiled up at him, squeezing his hand. "Then they’ll see us."

feedback is always welcomed!

taglist: @enhacolor, @shuabby1994, @junhui-recs, @dkakapizzaboy, @just-here-to-read-01, @loviehan, @userjunhuii, @novalpha, @bubblymoon, @aaniag, @d0nghyuck, @fantasy2wonderland, @seunghancore, @woozixo, @niktwazny303, @lllucere, @uniq-tastic, @wonwoospartyhat, @stariightjoyy, @hyneyedfiz, @cali-snow, @crazywittysassy, @yeosayang, @wonuvs, @dokyeomkyeom, @kyeomiis, @gyuguys, @notevenheretbh1 @iamawkwardandshy, @wonuskie

[cpdevos]

12/18/20: Disillusionment

Hello everyone! Old Margaret is back again as guest writer.

Proverbs 14:13

Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness.

This is an interesting verse because it makes me wonder. Makes me wonder “Is our life on earth supposed to be lived in the midst of sorrow?” In life, I’ve observed that it seems happiness is a fleeting dream and the only real things are pain and sorrow. This is rather morbid but I think it is true. I can resonate with tragic stories on a deeper level than stories that end with “And they all lived happily ever after.” When I am in a happy mood and everything is delightful, I usually begin to be afraid and feel apprehensive that it will not last. I know, instinctively, that things will inevitably resume the drudgery of real life.

I’m sure we would all prefer for our life to be smooth sailing. No bumps in the road. Everyone loves you and adores you. Get perfect grades in school because you are so smart. Be the star player on the football team or star actor in a play because you’re so athletic or talented. Then once you grow older, make a lot of money and rise rapidly to the top of the career ladder because you are so competent at your job. Be surrounded by a crowd of friends and family. Stay fit and attractive well into your 60s. Or maybe your 100s. Share the Gospel with people and they immediately convert to Christianity because they see what a perfect example of a Christian you are. These are just general examples but I think you get what I’m driving at. Everyone laughs and has a good time because life is good. We love to wallow in the haziness of comfort and security. When everything is going well, we assume it will go well forever. We don’t think too much and just take it for granted because that’s all we know.

* * * *

Church used to be heaven on earth to me. Gossip and trash talking occur in the outside world, but never in church. Drugs and alcohol occur in the outside world, but never in church. Anger and resentment occur in the outside world, but never in church. I revered the church and saw it as something sacred because we are God’s people. Because we were saved by Jesus’ blood. I turned up my nose at what I termed “the outside world” which were basically non-Christians and people at my school. Those poor people who don’t know God and go about their awful lives. Boy was I wrong.

I guess I was a late bloomer because I stayed in this blissful ignorance until I went to college. I was part of a campus fellowship who sent us on evangelical missions where we basically stop strangers on the streets and start up spiritual conversations with them. The campus fellowship fired us up for these missions by portraying us as the fortunate beings brimming with God’s love who must save the wandering lost souls on the streets. But when I was actually talking with these strangers, most of who were older and wiser than me, I began to see a new perspective. We were not so heroic as we imagined ourselves to be. I felt more like a clueless idealistic youngster too full of herself trying to offer advice to strangers who underwent experiences I could never even imagine. It was then that my illusion about church began to crumble.

Church began to feel dry and the messages that used to fire me up no longer had the same effect. To my horror, I began to be bored. The messages sounded useless and shallow to me. These messages used to seem like the perfect answer to any problem. But now that I was older, I began to understand what these problems, no longer abstract discussion topics, cannot be easily solved by pronouncing “My God is with me!” To my increasingly critical eyes, people at church did not seem so different with people outside the church anymore. Everyone was very human and ordinary. There were days when I wondered to myself why I still come to church. Eventually, I found myself becoming disillusioned with God. Once I was rereading some devotionals I wrote when I was younger and I could no longer relate to that blind faith and childish trust. I found my younger self very dumb.

But for some reason, I could never take the final step and abandon my faith. Although I proudly contended that I had grown wiser, at the same time, I was deeply unsure about everything. As if I couldn’t think straight and some working part was misplaced. Although I sneered at the simple teachings that seemed to lack real world application, I was frightened to abandon these simple teachings completely because I knew I wouldn’t be able to come up with a better one to comfort myself with. At the bottom of my heart, I wanted to believe what the Bible says. That God is good and our sins are atoned for if we place our faith in Jesus. But this almost seemed too sunny and unrealistic. People can be such jerks and I struggle with my sins with no improvements to be seen.

Well, I’m still at church and I’m glad God didn’t let me go during that season when I doubted Him so much. I think what bothered me the most was that I tried to ask God but He didn’t answer. All of this doubt and confusion would have been easily solved if God had just revealed Himself and allowed me to feel His presence. Everything would have been alright. But He didn’t. And that was the hardest part for me to continue keeping my faith.  

I’d like to share an excerpt from a book, The Silver Chair. In case you don’t know, this is a book from the Chronicles of Narnia, this fantasy novel for children but oddly it was very relatable for me. An underground witch was trying to enchant these four protagonists and keep them in the dark musty underworld by telling them the world above does not exist. She tells them there is no sun. The sun is made up but lamps are real. She told them there are no lions. Lions are made up and cats are real. The protagonists began to succumb to her enchantment. But suddenly, one of the protagonists, a very pessimistic fellow who sees the worst in everything speaks up. He says “All you’ve been saying is quite right, I shouldn’t wonder. I’m a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it…Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one…we’re leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that’s a small loss if the world’s as dull a place as you say.”

* * * *

This is rather long devo and thanks for sticking with me to the end. I would like to end with a couple verses from Hebrews 11 which talks about the hallmark of faith, one of my favorite passages in the Bible. In the beginning of the passage, it basically lists out people in the Bible who were faithful. To stay faithful to a God you cannot see. To love and follow a Jesus you cannot see. To stay obedient in order to obtain promises that will be fulfilled after death. Staying faithful is truly difficult, perhaps even bordering on impossible. Where does such strong faith come from? To continue staying faithful even though the promise has yet to be fulfilled. To continue to endure even to the point of death. Even at the moment when it appears it is too late or all hope is lost, they still don’t give up their faith and continue on holding tight onto the promise. And God rewards such faith.

Hebrews 11:39-40

And these all, having obtained a good report through faith, received not the promise: God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect.

[scoundrels-in-love]

Rainy watches Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Let me start this with saying I did spoil my self and quite thoroughly before this movie. And my initial opinion was that this movie will be absolute disappointments on all fronts I cared about.

So, when I walked in the cinema, my expectations were so low, it’d be hard to fall lower. (But as we know, I had same thoughts about year 2017 and it proved me wrong, so it’s not like it was impossible.) I came out thinking, damn, it was pretty okay movie. Maybe even good. No, it will not be my favorite Star Wars movie, it is still Rogue One and I did like The Force Awakens better, but I think the trilogy does not die with it. Especially since it’s trilogy and there is a lot to be seen in Episode 9 still.

I will not give it rating, I can’t rate these things and if I was forced to, I would not give even Rogue One a 10. That’s just how I am. But what I will do is write a long-ass recap and analysis of the movie. Having read spoilers and reactions to them, I have come conclusion a lot of the rage, in my opinion, comes from focusing on the details instead of lessons they’re trying to show. Lessons we may see us give a very satisfying conclusion in Episode 9.

Obviously, spoilers below. All of the spoilers. Read at your own risk. Later, when more folks have seen the movie, I may do shorter extractions with add-ons for specific plot points or characters. Also, this will be ship stanning or hate free (and in general, I tried to keep this positive, instead of dissing anything, though there are quite a few things I dislike). I have my preferences, but those will, hopefully, remain beyond the walls of this recap. Also, it’ll be all over the place, bouncing to and from various details, etc. If you stick around, let me know what you think, I’d love that!

Let me start this with saying I am not built for war movies. I do not deal well with deaths of characters even as brief as Rose’s sister or the pilots who exchanged smile and salutes before the docking bay thingie was blown up. Each time a ship or speeder goes down, I wince and break a little bit inside. So, obviously, that sets me up for being emotionally vulnerable all through the movie.

I did not expect TLJ to start essentially immediately after TFA ended. That took me by surprise and threw me right in middle of hell. I think it was rather solid choice, though.

A lot of people disliked how disheartened and disillusioned Luke was. I think he was still wrapped in illusion, one that Rey forcefully breached. And he was weighed down by guilt. So much of it. He did not just fail Ben, or his sister and Han. He failed himself. In a moment of slip, he lost everything and was reminded that even strongest, kindest hearts can have a slip up, no matter how momentary. And it can have horrible consequences.

To be honest, when Kylo said Luke had tried to kill him I was like “no, that’s Snoke manipulating his memories”. And if it had been the case, I would be okay with it. Right now, I lean more towards the fact Luke never actually physically soul searched Darth Vader, never witnessed that darkness and the endless blood on his hand. And the dark side was so thick around young Ben, that Snoke’s influence could’ve dripped onto Luke in that moment. Just a bit of tar, lasting for few seconds, but enough to turn the tide. If only Ben could’ve slept through it, but it was not meant to be. Possibly also because of Snoke.

Something that struck me deeply was the way Luke had to watch the Tree burn down. For me, it felt like he was forced to watch his second home burn down. Like he had wanted to leave his uncle’s and aunt’s home, he wished to leave ways of Jedi behind, something that had become a home to him in spiritual sense. But in the end, the choice was never entirely given to him, someone else made it for him and he had to watch his home become embers. And as always, Luke carved his own path ahead from that moment.

Yoda’s lesson was, FOR ONCE, one thing said out-loud from the many the movie tried to get across. Failures will happen. Failing does not define us. How we get up from them is what matters. That makes us who we are.

Some say whole Finn’s and Rose’s mission was a filler, absolutely pointless. But, if we’re being really mean, pretty much every star wars episode has one of these scenes/story lines. And, I do not think it was entirely failure. Yes, it was a detour and one that failed, but it also lit another spark, in the hearts of the children on that planet. Plus, again, lesson about failures - they did not let it beat them down and returned to fight to the last breath.

In my opinion, another lesson was ‘retreating is not necessarily cowardice’. Is Finn a coward? No, my son is brave beyond reason. He may want to escape, back in TFA and at start of TLJ, but especially in latter it is to find a spot of safety which can be a beacon for Rey and Luke Skywalker, the HOPES of the galaxy. And even then, the moment he sees a chance to do more, to actively participate in saving, he’s right back in the fray.

Poe gets literal slap in the face for not realizing it. He gets punch in soul later, when Viceadmiral Holdo does what she does and Leia tells him “she was busy saving people, instead of showing she is a hero.” WHAT A GODDAMN QUOTE. Which I sadly don’t remember correctly.

I have a lot of feelings about Admiral Holdo in general. I cried and literally saluted her in cinema when she stayed behind. I felt a little bad I wished she had pulled the last move a moment sooner so more than like, 6 ships out of 30 survived the assault. But she truly went out like the Queen she was.

I think a lot of people could be pissed about how Resistance wasn’t united, how there was an uprising in itself. But we have to realize, it is made of people. Not humans or aliens differentiating here. Just, different people. And there will be disputes and issues. And it’s normal, it’s understandable. Especially in a hellish situation like this. It makes sense. Resistance isn’t flawless, the unity of it must be hard fought for. (Let us recall Rogue One.) Yes, she could’ve handled it better, but she knew Poe would oppose and try to undermine it. In the end, both she and Leia knew his heart is in the right place.

Also, yes, I tried to count how many ships might’ve reached the surface of salt planet. I was devastated it was so few and that the ones who made to Millenium Falcon were literally a handful.

I absolutely loved how Poe was like “LEIA!!!” when it turned out it was her to be breaking in the bridge, so sure she’d be so against Holdo’s decision. only for her to stun him. Like, you still have so much to learn, my boy.

Oh man, I am afraid to get started on Leia, to be honest. Carrie Fisher was my Top Shining Star in this movie. For me, she was the mirror of every loss Rebellion suffered. Her expressions, her eyes. The way she felt Luke pass away, the way she felt Kylo... Ben, nearby. Each and every time I was wrecked. I sobbed during Luke’s and Leia’s reunion, she was beautifully regal and in character and Luke was also most Luke again, reassuring there is hope for Ben. Just before he appeared, I did want to scream, are you just going to sit and take your death? Go out and fight, for one more moment. (Leia with a blaster was a vision.)

When Carrie’s daughter was watching through window at her somewhere in vast space, I teared up thinking about how prophetical this was. And in a sense, Carrie Fisher, did rise up against impossible odds to continue to live in our lives. I don’t know how they will respectfully write Leia Organa off screen, but they better do it right.

I have some issues with space physics in this movie, like would Leia and Rose’s sister for that matter, hovering over open space, like, pull off what they did? But again, this is movie where space explosions have sound, etc. So I am just going to scream: LEIA CANONICALLY USED THE FORCE.

I knew Luke was an illusion/hologram. There was no way he could make it to base, no matter how he tried. And it made me think of just how immensely powerful he is. The way Han’s little dice thing lasted even beyond his departure, the way everyone saw and felt him. I cried so hard during that forehead kiss, I still tear up.

I can’t say I dig Luke simply left, just like that. I feel like there is more he could have done. But at the same time, it seemed to me, and to Rey and Leia, as if he left with purpose. Is he going there to be a Force Ghost and influencing fate and people by popping up all over the place? I don’t know. I hope it is not actual last we see of him.

Skywalkers being drama queens continue, volume lost count a: the cape drop by Kylo Ren. Volume lost count b: the shoulder brush off Luke does after all he walks out of the smoke. I loved that sass. In fact, we saw that the moment Rey appeared, he kinda sparked back to life, with the smirk he gives her when he swings on his spear. I admit some lines felt a little out of character/the mood felt off, but overall, Mark Hamill did magic.

Which brings me to another point of this movie: downfall of pride. Luke threw that around left and right, but it goes beyond Jedi. It goes beyond essentially blind faith Light Side always prevails just because. It also is the cornerstone of Snoke’s demise. “Oh, he was so hyped up and meant to be badass, died just so simply!! HOW COME. BAD WRITING” people say. But, was it not what happened to Emperor? To essentially pretty much EVERY Sith lord and even Jedi that has graced canon, extended universe and so forth? He thought he was beyond anyone’s reach, he thought he could humiliate Kylo Ren to his heart’s content, feed the anger in him, but did not think of the backlash. Did not think that simply taking him back in fold could not be enough. Did not think of age old lesson - there is always two, no more and no less. A Lord and their apprentice. Kylo Ren thinks it is time he took apprentice, Rey. So he offs his Master. And that IS something Snoke should’ve seen, but he did not, because he thought there is no way someone as torn as Kylo could turn against him. That Kylo is thoroughly dependent on him.

Speaking of Kylo, since TFA I wanted him to be shown more as his own person instead of puppet in Snoke’s ugly hands. This movie did that. It made him, if not entirely sympathetic, then still more acceptable. I was glad he was not the one to fire missile at the bridge, he even looked shell-shocked when other tie-fighters did it. And he also never denied than Han loved him, instead he reflected it to try and get at Ray. I enjoyed his thought of that all old must end. In this, he reminds me of Revan from KOTOR and SWTOR. First, he was Jedi (in training), then fell to the Dark side and eventually, went nuts and decided he must end all there is and start over. So, in a sense, a bit of Emperor’s dogma, too?

The cinematography and symbolism of the lightsaber being torn apart, at the same time as the battleship was stunning and I still shiver thinking about it.

As Snoke said, Rey and Kylo are indeed foils to each other, darkness attracted to light and light attracted to darkness. Incredibly raw power. I would like to see this end with Gray Jedi kind of mindset, maintainers of actual balance. This movie MAY set it up for Kylo to have redemption arc at the very end and a (co) founder of Gray Jedi order. Or it may set up him as weak villain all through and through. Weak in the sense he is already blinded by rage and fight with his past, as proven by his fight with Luke. He loses the final, in a sense incredibly easy, battle just because he has to finish Luke off. Either he will clear his head or go about everything as incredibly unstable as he is. And fall because of his pride, as did every Sith before him.

I do wonder, if next movie will start after time, when literally a handful of people are rebuilding the Resistance or we will once again be thrown right into another chasing scene of Millennium Falcon.  There’s potential in both.

Lot of people are saying this movie decimates Rey’s character. I do not entirely agree. She is desperate to clutch onto hope Galaxy can be saved via returning to Ben to light because she’s been denied all other options. Luke has become less of hero in her eyes, in fact, he had considered becoming a cold blooded murderer. And even then, she offers him to come with her and he refuses. Because Rey, fundamentally, believes in best in people. Like Luke once did. What’s more, if she does indeed know her parents were nobodies who traded her for a ration of booze, these are memories, pain and betrayal stirred up by dark side. She is drawn to it. But at the end of it, she does not take Kylo’s hand, sees it can only breed more so much more pain and returns to her friends. I do not think she will ever entirely fall to Dark Side, there is not enough time to make her do that and then retrieve her from it in one movie.

Speaking of Rey’s parentage, Snoke said he created the force bond between Kylo and her, and essentially that he planted certain things in it. Lies about her parents could be one of the things he put in there, to give Kylo tools. The mirror could have been a way to show she is born from Force, much like Anakin was. When Light side was dominant, he was the one to bring more Balance, perhaps by falling to Dark side. Now, Force may have given Galaxy another hero, to turn the tides towards Light.

Now I would like to speak some of other badass lady - Rose. I felt for her, deeply. She was not afraid to stand up to her literal hero. She did not hesitate to say what she hated about the whole rich-planet. She has and always will give everything for Hope.  I have to say, her proclaiming she saved Finn was a VERY big stretch, though. They were literally going to be killed in 10 more minutes, if Kylo wasn’t so busy with focusing Luke. Like, no. You didn’t save him. You delayed the inevitable and incidentally, both of you survived. Also, you don’t have to look at him like coward about knowing where escape pods are on First Order ship. He literally was in clean up crew. Of course he did. But she matters so much in maintaining balance between foolish bravery and retreating is not cowardice message, in fact underlining the latter, by reminding that Rebellion is about saving those we love, not simply murdering the ones we hate.

This episode was SO strong with parallels. Like all the parallels all the fricking time. Finn and Poe getting slapped by their bosses/ex-bosses. Kylo and Rey both calling Millennium Falcon ‘that junk’. THE HUG BETWEEN FINN AND REY from TFA and at the end of TLJ. ‘Floating rocks’, of course. The moment I saw the rock block, I thought, well, here comes ‘Force is sometimes about floating rocks, too’. As well as ‘every thing you just said is absolutely wrong’. A classic. And, like, all the fricking glasses/containers of liquids shaking to show tremors all through the whole movie. There were at least 5 shots of that. We get it, things are getting shaken up. We get it.

Honestly, any scene on the salt planet was SUCH A LOOK. I have NO idea why the speeders had to extend the ‘leg’, apparently for balance, but I think mostly to create a stunning visual moment. After the speeders split up, and mission was essentially failed, it looked like blood on snow. Bloody ice underneath snow. It was gorgeous, heartbreaking symbolism of all the blood that has been spilled. Perhaps even of the bloodshed that rests under proclaimed purity of Jedi mindset. It made my gut clench. Just as did the moment it spills into the base, when First Order finally arrives.

Speaking of which, Hux, what did you think you’re gonna get, screaming at Kylo that First Order is leaderless? Lmao. Loved how they fought for control in walkers/ship. Like they both said “open fire” and Kylo looked at Hux, essentially “binch, really?”.

I did like the whole thing on the rich-folk planet. Amused at BB-8′s tactics of subduing people. Loved the escape of Finn and Rose, that the animals escaped. Heck, I was so worried for them, that they’d just get mowed down or recaptured. I had to remind myself, maybe even death is better than the life they had.

I think they pulled a really good (double?) bluff with their hacker. I mean, I was not convinced he was on their side, but when he gave the necklace back to Rose, I can see why Finn and Rose would think he’s truly fighting the good fight. I also really hope Finn fetched the necklace out of the wreck for Rose, it doesn’t deserve to be left behind.

It’s a small thing, but I LOVED that Finn didn’t strike Phasma down from behind. Like, of course it was still kinda underhanded, but she could’ve rose weapon in defense (if someone suddenly says hey behind you in this situation, you don’t think it’s an ally). But still. Her quick demise is one of my actual “:/” moments in the movie, I did think she should’ve gotten more time, more stories. But my original point is, my boy didn’t try to kill anyone from back.

Ships or no, I love every glimpse of Finn and Poe and Rey friendship, the way they deeply care for one another. Nothing can take away that Finn screamed for Rey and asked about her first, or that Rey’s one request to Chewie was to tell him something. And Finn wearing Poe’s jacket! Oh man, Poe’s and BB-8′s reunion had me clutching my heart mentally. And I am very glad to add Rose to this roster. I don’t know if Finn reciprocates her feelings or hers are actually more than being still kinda awe-struck for him. But no matter what, he cares about her deeply. With her, we get to see he will always go and save his friend and take care of them with all he got. We didn’t get the line ‘now I have something to fight for’, but I clearly think that’s definition of Finn - fighting for those he cares about, platonically or not.

Also, how did Rey get from Snoke’s escape ship to Millennium Falcon? And how did communication device work from Resistance Cruiser to First Order ship, without interception and all? /squints slightly

I am very glad Rey saved the books, I think it will do her good to study them and figure out her own path inbetween the lines.

And I think that’s.... That’s actually it. Or I am too tired to remember more points. Other than few, plot unrelated observations:

The porgs were a menace. I liked and hated them at the same time, I could only think how mad Han would be about this literal infestation.

The little alien-nuns of Ach-To, tho. They live in peace and suddenly comes this girl, blasts a house up, crashes their cart with cut-in-half boulder. I feel for them.

Salt foxes are AMAZING. (What the heck at the soldier dude who straight up tastes white substance on an unfamiliar planet OFF THE GROUND. You got guts.)

Did the kid at the end use the Force to make broom lean into his hand or was I just too blurry eyed?

Also someone wrote amazing thought of how we should’ve seen Anakin and Luke meet up in the Force, with Han, too, imo. And I really wish for it.

[sharkiegorath]

On Elias

[this is the third (3rd) time I’ve tried posting this since Tumblr’s mobile search/tag search keeps eating the post. because it’s perfectly fine with showing untagged personal posts and spam whenever you search for something, but randomly decides when to show Actual Content]

ok look I know people don’t always read the OP’s tags but I keep getting “I’M SURE HE’S EVIL” comments on a pair of gifsets with fairly obviously positive parallels and reblogging something just to definitively say “that mysterious character is eviiiiiiil” is Not Cool, even if it’s in the tags.

Yes, recent commentator, Elias definitely broke into the house. It's probably why he suggested that the Johnsons go out in the first place! But the common assumption is A) that he planted the books and B) that he did so for a malicious reason. It seems as obvious as it could possibly be while remaining unconfirmed. It seems so obvious in such a twisty show that I think it isn’t that straightforward.

Gosh, where to begin? Firstly, names and etymology are pretty good theory fodder and Easter eggs, e.g., ‘Hap’=haphephobia and all its ‘hap’-prefixed variants; ‘Khatun’ is both an old title of nobility and a modern word referring to any woman. 'Rahim' means ‘merciful’ or 'servant of the merciful'. 'Elias' is a cognate of 'Elijah'. Elijah was the Abrahamic prophet who sort of had a special connection with women and children; who was cared for by an angel; who resurrected the dead; who entered Heaven without dying at the end of his earthly life; who is sometimes believed to have become an angel. All of this information is available on Wikipedia! So even if Elias did plant the books, I don’t automatically assume he’s malicious.

There’s this interesting bit in an interview with The Atlantic:

Marling: [...] I think one of the original stories that was influential actually comes from Jewish mysticism. Do you know it?

Kornhaber: Is this leaving the door open for Elijah at Passover?

Marling: Yeah. It’s so beautiful. I think it’s amazing to try and use that as a reminder of trying to stay open. I struggle with that all the time. You get scared and you close the door. But I think The OA, she’s inviting them to let a new thing in.

(Principal Gilchrist's first name is another cognate of Elijah - 'Ellis' - and his surname means 'servant of Christ'. People have made the connection between Ellis and his "water under the bridge" comment to Ellis Island and the nearby Statue of Liberty, plus he has a snow globe of the latter.)

Elias’ potential connection with an ‘evil’ Rachel was probably debunked early by Zal Batmanglij on Twitter: the plants in her cell died because she refuses to water them as an act of rebellion. I'm too lazy to go through the whole thing about why her name being on the office wall in large Braille doesn't automatically mean she works there in the first place. I think she and Elias are connected (because of his car crash analogy and the “[My brother] never got to hear it”/”I’m a listener” lines), but I doubt it’s as evil agents.

Elias is shocked and defensive when he bumps into French in the house - but the scene follows French, so of course we aren't shocked and suspicious about French’s presence. Basically, the audience has had the same reaction to Elias breaking in as Elias initially has to French breaking in. Part of what makes Elias seem suspicious is his reaction. IMO Elias doesn't even imply or confirm that the OA was lying  - he just doesn't correct French. The other 'suspicious' thing he does is...move his eyes while hugging French, which isn’t incriminating on its own since the emotion is ambiguous.

There's confusing reasoning behind why Elias would place the books in the first place. The books seem tailored to match major aspects of the OA's story. The immediate assumption is that if someone planted the books, they meant for the Crestwood Five to find them and conclude that she based lies upon them. But if that's the case, Elias likely had no way of knowing that French would break in, go to her room, thoroughly search her room, and look where he did. There was no guarantee that any of the Five would find the books, jump to the conclusion that OA was lying, then share the discovery with the others.

Alternatively, you could argue that Elias planted the books intending for someone else to find them during an investigation and use it as proof that OA was making up stories, and the Five would fall for it in the process. But in that case, why did he let French leave with all of the books? And remember, Buck kept one and the rest let him. It’s possible that they submitted the other books to the FBI offscreen, or that Elias replaced the books. But I’ve never seen the theory cover what happened to the books after the reveal, so I won’t play with that hypothetical situation here.

Maybe Elias planted the books for someone else to find and didn’t know French took them. After all, we don't know what happened after the hug. But that introduces a new set of logical problems. How would French sneak a big, heavy box out of the house? He could take it if Elias had already left or wasn’t watching him...but why would Elias leave French unsupervised? Does anyone think that Elias ensured French left, then French broke in again not long afterwards and took the books, all offscreen? And couldn’t his presumably nearby car be a potential giveaway?

So, the books don't make much sense as an attempt to disillusion the Five. Some people think French's reaction stretches audience suspension of disbelief, right - I think it's an even bigger stretch that the FBI would predict a break-in and his reaction. To a lesser extent, the books also don't make sense as an attempt to frame OA, because they end up with the boys and don’t seem to play a role beyond breaking their faith. As for how French took the books while Elias was there, Elias advocates strategic passivity and avoids direct persuasion; I don't find it outlandish that French would say something like "I need to show proof to the others" then take the box, and Elias wouldn’t protest because it's not part of his agenda either way.

The next most obvious explanation for the books is if they really are OA’s. They weren’t necessarily used to construct a lie.  

In the previous episode, OA had a conversation with BBA about how cultures that suffer more loss tend to have more totems. OA knew this because of an exhibit that she loved so much as a child that she made her parents take her back twice. It made a lasting impact on her, as evidenced by the wolf hoodie that reminds her of Homer’s. BBA is not with the boys when French reveals the books, so she doesn't even have the chance to recall that conversation. We don’t know if BBA learned about the books after the boys did. And the books were specifically stored beneath the wolf hoodie. The Five may not be aware of the hoodie’s significance; Elias wouldn’t know the hoodie’s significance unless OA wore it to a session and he asked why she has a hoodie with a wolf on it, or she spontaneously told him, both of which seem a bit far-fetched. (Onscreen, at least, she never wore it to a therapy session.)

Ehh, miscellaneous notes:

It’s uncertain that OA can read English text. But the conversation with BBA says that the Thing Itself isn't as important as what it symbolises. (“Objects carry meaning in difficult times.”) She doesn't need to be able to read the books in order for them to mean something. Anyway, she might’ve been bilingual from a young age; she was 7 or 8 when she went blind and she seems fluent in English by the time we see her in the American boarding school. (There might be proof that she can write in English, since she signed the bottom of the note she left for her parents? It’s been interpreted both ways so idk.)

The Five getting discovered in the abandoned house probably wasn’t set up by Elias. BBA had previously slipped and told Principal Gilchrist about it while driving to save Steve.

I don’t strongly rule it out, but I don’t think Elias spied on the Five, because he only realises who French is when he tells him his name. Unless he’s pretending.

Why were the books under OA’s bed, under the hoodie? Maybe she hid her totems in case her parents found them, since Nancy already thought she had delusions that could easily be linked to The Oligarchs and The Iliad. It’s unclear to me, but there might be a moment in the first episode where OA shoves the video camera under her bed (starts at 29:15-ish), foreshadowing that she might’ve done the same thing with the books later.

The issues I have with my own theory are:

According to the label on the Amazon box, the books were delivered in September. That's at odds with how OA's video was posted in February 2016. But the FBI (or another organisation) ordering the books also doesn't make sense: they would’ve been planning to discredit her months before she returned or assembled the Five or told her story. Even if they knew about the experiments, Hap dumping OA on the road in February seemed entirely spontaneous; that itself was the result of a seemingly random event (getting caught by the sheriff). More importantly, I’d question why the boys didn't notice the discrepancy in dates, and why the FBI didn't realise it themselves. (Like, all they had to do was remove the label or use a different box.) How can they predict a very specific chain of events yet not be smart enough to remove a label? It’s not impossible in the broader scope of the story - maybe they have reality-warping powers, maybe there’s time travel involved - but right now it’s a big stretch just to support the basic theory that Elias planted the books. So I suspect the label is a minor production oversight. Considering exactly how briefly the date is onscreen and difficult to read even when the scene is paused, I think it wasn’t meant to be read by the audience. (Compare the length of the date’s visibility and its readability to earlier in the scene, when French looks at the newspaper clippings, or whenever a phone/computer screen takes up the frame.)

How did OA order the books? The hardest part is how she went online, but she could’ve placed the order sometime in the first episode before the router was taken away. It’s possible to order things from Amazon without a credit card and have them sent to a pickup point or post office, so that’s not a big issue if she had money somewhere (or stole it from her parents, which is 100% in-character for her). Sneaking the package into the house is another problem - but, then again, she’s cunning and her room is conveniently located so things can fairly easily go in/out of her window.

Elias suggested that the Johnsons go out for a family dinner. That somewhat complicates the timeframe he would’ve had for breaking in; if the outing had gone 'normally' they would've returned home before it was very late, yet still at an unpredictable time. (Again, he probably had no way of knowing they’d choose French's workplace, that it’d go badly, etc.) He was unable to break into the Johnsons' home on the night the OA finished her story, which is why he broke in later on, when French did. I guess Nancy and Abel went home after the incident at the Olive Garden and Elias saw the house was occupied, so he waited, and luckily for him they left the next day?

I’m not sure whether Elias lies when French asks if OA told him about Homer, the mine, and Hap’s studies. She told Elias specifics about the first and third premonitions, but it’s unclear how much she explained the second, Homer wasn’t mentioned by name onscreen, and we don’t know if she talked about the movements and angels. It’s worth noting that right after their last session, Elias does lie. OA explained her dreams, including the previous night’s. Afterwards, Nancy assumes Elias knows what happened last night...but he says no, seemingly to see how Nancy explains it. He’s capable of minor lies to Learn Things for ambiguous reasons. (Does he lie to Nancy for OA’s benefit? Or is it because he doesn’t trust OA, or is it simply an effort to hear different sides? I think the tone of the scene suggests he’s trying to help OA, but you might think it’s deliberately misleading. Anyway, they’re not all mutually exclusive motives.)

If the books really were OA’s, what was her reaction when she returned home and they were missing? She probably wouldn't tell her parents. But what would she think happened? Possibly she might be able to put two and two together since she’d previously helped Steve sneak into her room. Maybe she doesn’t seem sad right before the shooting because she deduced that the Five wanted to help her, and she didn’t know that the boys concluded she was lying.

We might be able to get general sense of where The OA is headed by examining Brit and Zal's previous work. Sound of My Voice is the most similar. One of the most common (and plausible) theories for SOMV is that Maggie was telling the truth and the 'FBI agent' wasn't actually an FBI agent. But there are other reused elements that were subverted: OA is much less intimidating and more personable than Maggie; the Five are inclined to believe her without being cult-like; the agent was trying to catch Maggie without her knowledge instead of possibly pretending to help her. I kinda hope it's a meta Red Herring planted for people who've watched both.

Elias was in the house for a reason. I think the video camera and all of the tapes might be a Chekhov's Gun. Brit Marling said something along the lines of "it’s worthy to question Elias’ motives"; he doesn’t necessarily have Good intentions. However, him planting the books isn’t a sure thing and we know nothing about whatever he did in the time gap before the shooting; there’s no indication that he helped or hindered OA in any way, if they’re still in contact, etc. So I think it’s a Bit Much to leap to "ELIAS IS EVIL" Not everyone who thinks he planted the books assumes he’s evil, which is nice. But it's Tiring seeing the evil accusation treated as if it's rare or a new theory, especially considering the depth of analysis that the rest of the show receives.

[jianyitopia]

수고했어 종현아

In South Korea, the suicide rate is one of the highest in the world. Because of their "you will get over it" behavior, people just refrain their feelings deep inside and let them devour their inside. Many of you may not be aware of what K-pop industry is like. Even fans don't know, which is the saddest. You want to be good looking in South Korea to be able to make it. South Korea is an ugly country, and its people have always been the same, for a long time. Whenever someone is depressed, or mentally ill, they can't properly seek for help because mental illness and mental therapy is a tabou. Your friends would say "Do you think you're the only one suffering?". How do you expect people to live in these conditions ? I have loved this country lots, blinded by my favorite singers' beauty and talents without seeing its true side. It is heartbreaking for me to criticize it, but it is the only thing I can do for now. I am disillusioned on this mourning day.

Everyone have always known the hardship of being famous. Your private life is nowhere to be seen, paparazzi everywhere, crazy schedules. Let me tell you, it is even worse in South Korea. They will reach for you when you're a kid, ripping you away from your family so you can come train. Every day that passes is the same. You train, learn to sing, learn to dance, learn to please fans, have a great body, to be funny, be pleasant and polite, know how to behave on and off camera. Because behaviour and looks are all that matter in South Korea. Then, after more than ten years of hard training, you don't make it. Why ? Because there were better kids, who trained less than you but were blessed by God. And you're here, away from your family, from your friends, struggling alone, ten years wasted when you could have become a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher. Notoriety will never bring anything good. You want to be famous ? Go on, the path may lead you to money, but you will find despair and horror.

To the people wondering why comitting suicide is thinkable, I would like you to close your mouth if you don't know what you are talking about. Depression is a mental illness, it is serious and you can not joke about it. Oh, you like being praised, wealthy, talented and loved. Jonghyun was loved, adored, praised, yet he felt alone in this darkness, he was hurting himself and his wounds were so deep he couldn't wipe them off with that bright smile of his. He was reaching for help, he was screaming in a silent whimper, yet we were all closing our eyes, his company was closing its eyes, we were oblivious to his pain because Jonghyun was one of the brightest people on earth. Yet, if a smile is faked, the happiness behind it is non-existant.

As I write this, I can not contain my tears that are flowing down my cheeks. I can not believe it. I do not want to believe it. Tell me this is a joke, tell me Koreaboo made a mistake in its report. Just tell me you are not gone Jonghyun. This is so selfish to say this. My heart aches, I wish you had endured it longer, but at the same time, you're gone for a better place, a place where there is no pain.

When I first read the news, I collapsed on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, telling myself like a mantra "This is impossible, not you, this is not possible..." But yes, celebrities are not immortal because they are famous. Fame can not bring anything good, you said it yourself Jonghyun, you were suffering from it. You told us you were not meant to be an idol, and I just don't have anything to respond. Because you are the best person to know what is good for you and what is not.

A long time ago, as my soul was wandering without any goal, you took my hand Jonghyun. You held it and led me to a world I thought was beautiful. Maybe K-pop is just a style of music, but it meant so much more to me. It was something I could dive in, a burning passion that made my life turns 180°. Oh, how I loved korean music, how I wished to be korean. You were one of the first who opened the path to this world, and never have I been so thankful. I remember, oh yes I do, watching your music video frowning, asking myself "What the heck am I watching?". I remember whistling your songs, humming them anywhere I would go because it was stuck in my head. I remember the old videos, in SM entertainment's training room. I laugh a little bit as I remember the background of this training room : a blue sky with cloud, which symbolized freedom.

I feel so sorry. You were not free. And I wish we could have lightened your heart, lessened your pain. I feel like the world stopped, and is not going to keep going. But life goes on, doesn't it ? I guess I will just need time.

Jonghyun, one last word. You worked hard, you did well. You were a fallen angel, and now we're giving your wings back. So please fly, fly away from this cruel world, fly away from the pain, the wounds, the tears.

It must be cold Jonghyun. I hope you can rest in peace. You deserve peace, you deserve freedom, you deserve happiness.

I love you.

I will forever.

수고했어 종현아.