#in a way of im angry im pissed and i cant even scream abt it BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING TONSILLITIS

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

Ah fuck now im thinking abt how fuckin lonely it is 2 be transmasc. Bc suddenly all my girl friends see me as Something Else and a fucking Threat even tho im literally the same fucking person only happier. And like how. When i wanted to explore femininity as a girl, my friends loved to show me everything and do my makeup and whatever and like now theyre like. Are you sure ?? Dont you think that will make you uncomfortable LIKE UR THE ONE MAKING IT UNCOMFORTABLE !!!! IM THE SAME IM THE SAME IM THE SAME AS I WAS BEFORE I JUST GOT A NEW HAT AND NOW U ALL HATE ME !!!! and its not like i have boys to go to either because if anything, im now friends with LESS guys than i was before transitioning. Because before i was just a girl and like yea there were a ton of sexist guys who didnt really see me as their equal, but they saw me atleast as a Person. But now its like. Im not one of the girls they can tolerate, im claiming to be one of the boys ??? But it doesn't fucking fit for them because like. Im still at the equality level of a girl but even LESS now. Why cant i just be a Normal girl or a Normal guy. Why do i have to be a guy that also looks and acts like a girl according to the rules in their head ??? LIKE ITS SO FUCKING ANNOYING. I DONT WANT TO BE ONE OD THE GIRLS I DONT WANNA BE ONE OF THE BOYS I WANNA BE ONE OF THEM !!! JUST FUCKING ANYONE !!! BUT NOBODY SEES ME AS ON THEIR SIDE BC GIRLS WHO TRY SOOO HARD 2 BE "TRANS INCLUSIVE" ALSO CANT LET GO OF THEIR IDEAS OF "MAN = DANGEROUS AND BAD AND OTHER" SO HOW DO THEY BE INCLUSIVE OF ME ???? BY TREATING ME LIKE FUCKING SCUM !!!!! SO I CANT BE ONE OF THE GIRLS ANYMORE BECAUSE IM "DANGEROUS". BUT IM SURE AS HELL NOT PART OF THE BOYS BECAUSE IM FUCKING OPPOSITE PINOCCHIO AND NOT A REAL GODDAM BOY EVEN THO HES WOOD AND IM FUCKING FLESH AND BONE MOTHERFUCKER !!!!! AND NOW THERES SOME SECRET CODE TO BOTH SIDES I CANT SEEM TO FIGURE OUT AND IT DOESNT FUCKING HELP THAT IM AUTISTIC TOO DOES IT ????? SO LIKE. ALL I HAVE ARE OTHER TRANS PEOPLE BECAUSE EVEN MY CIS FRIENDS JUST DONT SEE ME AS EQUAL. THEY TRY SOOOOO HARD TO FIT ME IN ANY OF THEIR BOXES TO THE POINT I HAVE TO JUST TRY SOOO HARD TO ACT LIKE IM A FULLY BINARY GUY JUST SO THEY CAN STOP SEEING ME AS A FULLY BINARY GIRL. BUT IM NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS MOTHERFUCKER BUT I CAN BARELT EVEN TELL MY TRANS FRIENDS THAT BECAUSE THEYVE FUCKING INVENTED ANOTHER BOX WHERE THEY ASSUME NONBINSRY MEANS A THIRD FUCKING GENDER AND IT DOESNT !!!! WHEN I EXPLAIN MY GENDER IT DOESNR MEAN I NEED YOU TO SAY "soooooo youre genderfluid" NO IM ME IM ME IM FUCKING ME DONT YOU FUCKUNG GET IT IM DRESSING UP IN FUN CLOTHES BUT YOURE 5 AGAIN AND SAYING IM A GIRL FOR WEARING PINK AND A BOY FOR WEARING BLUE !!!!! IM WEARING A FUCKING PINK SHIRT AND BLUE SHOES WHAT DO YOU WANT MOTHERFUCKER IM EVEYTHING IM NOTHING IM JUST FUCKING ME !!!!

[cactusringed]

hi! its t! i hope you dont mind me spamming your inbox abt this, i dont have any other scardubs shippers who i can talk to. you can let me know if you do! :]

youre so right about bdubs not being cruel and calculating enough

just imagine bdubs not quite understanding the weight of scar offering him his life. to scar, it feels like lilacs and poppies and can we still be friends. to bdubs the offer feels like no kill passes, clocks covered in blood, and scar's fire aspect sword burning through his back. salt on top of a ready existing wound

bdubs furious in a way nothing but scars blood on his hands could ever describe or soothe. but he can't do it yet. all he can do is snap at scar about, 'just you wait until im red,' and tell him that hed really appreciate it if scar went and jumped off a cliff or stood on a cactus.

but it all just rolls off scars back like water with a laugh and a joke. it makes bdubs see red, but hes not red. theres nothing he can do to get it through to scar that hes serious

i dont know if its better or worse if scar knows hes serious or not

maybe scar is completely clueless. sure, the ribbing is angrier than he remembers, but the routine of teasing and joking around an anger that doesn't really mean anything is familiar enough. and its not like the world theyre on hasnt made everyone darker, scar's done things to people hes not proud of too

but maybe scar knows. hes not an idiot. its a right there in your face answer that someone hates you when they keep threatening to kill you when they can and asking you to just go die already.

maybe scar thinks he can fix it. even after he makes himself useful to bdubs, dedicates himself and this life of his to bdubs, it doesn't make him any less angry. and i think scar knows that it doesnt, but just cant accept that he cant fix it. cant accept that he hurt bdubs, someone he cares about, so greatly that bdubs hates him and wants to hurt him. wants to kill him. is going to kill him, and no amount of making himself useful is going to change that

either way, whether he sees it coming or refuses to, i think when bdubs does turn red and kills him it hurts the exact same. it stings with betrayal and grief and, worse, the knowledge he deserves it. that he's the villain in bdubs book. that the only redemption hes getting is through death

i cant decide what route from here i like better

1) bdubs feels completely satisfied. the bloodlust in his veins is gone. none of it matters to him anymore... but it still matters to scar.

scar being terrified that even dying couldn't fix things, only to find out that his death fixed things and feeling worse. he pledged his life to bdubs (it feels like im sorry im sorry im sorry) and that means nothing to him.

scar means nothing to him anymore.

scar thinks hed prefer if bdubs hated him still. at least him pledging his life means something then, at least his death means something then, at least this whole situation means more than scar pulling one stupid prank

2) bdubs is still angry

scar thinks it's fixed now, with his death, but hes wrong. bdubs is red, and he wouldnt be if scar hadn't taken his green life

when scar comes back to bdubs smiling and asking if its all even now, bdubs sees red. scar thinking this is all something transactional, an eye for an eye, a debt he can pay off, pisses him off

scar treated bdubs' death like a joke. then his own like a joke. and bdubs decides hes going to make sure scar isnt laughing by the time hes done with him

3) bdubs feels horrified

seeing scar getting torn apart by the zombies was what he wanted. and for a long moment he feels euphoric.

until he realises scar isnt yelling or screaming or anything. just quiet pained grunts and heavy breaths

until he realises that scar doesnt even bother trying to fight back

until he realises the heavy breaths are sobs, and the look on his face is betrayal not pain

he realises just a moment too late and scar is dead. bdubs doesn't even have time to say he's sorry, let alone try and help. all at once scar pledging his life to bdubs feels like when grian attacked the two of them in third life screaming betrayer, his voice so heartwrenching bdubs felt bad for him even on red

scar pledging his life feels different

it feels like an apology, utter devotion to making things right with someone you care for, trust and love built on a pillar of death.

and bdubs doesnt know if he can fix it

Hiii don't worry I love talking to people I just hope u don't mind how slow I can be replying to asks ^_^ hehehuhu my ask box or dms are always open either way xoxo

See your idea of Scar third lifing in and pledging his life to bdubs is to tasty when, well, you take third life into consideration. Scar who knows what it's like to die to a prank but who was quick to forgive in exchange for complete and utter devotion. Scar who believes he can offer the same, and receive the same forgiveness he once gave Grian.

Only to realise he isn't trusted. It's a transaction. The same as a no kill pass. Meaningless unless given value by the person receiving it. And bdubs giving it no value, not believing in Scar anymore, not after he was burned one too many times.

For Scar to think he can fix it with what anyone else would call a 'deal' is an insult, after all the lies and frauds and betrayals - and bdubs, who should be familiar with in-the-moment, hot blooded betrayals for one's own safety - has none of it.

I think he would regret it and feel not only pity but horror, after killing Scar. He'd think of killing Tango in last life, and Skizz in limited life. How even in his rage Skizz offered a fair battle to settle scores. How he didn't afford the same kindness to Scar, whom one could argue pushed Bdubs (and Impulse!) into the zombie horde as a means to self preservation, with the same sort of red hot fear that a boogeyman might have. But whom one could also argue did it out of a bout of sadism and cruelty instead.

It's that uncertainty that hurts, and makes it difficult, in the end, to know if his anger was warranted. It's that uncertainty that makes it difficult to feel true satisfaction as he's torn apart just like he was.

[blackvail22]

you know, that truly pisses me off. calling him not creative enough to make art??? ARE YOU KIDDING MEEE???? BEING TOLD THAT BY UR BEST FRIEND TOO?

he's literally so creative? you cant actually be funny and make jokes without being creative. you cant do impersonations and NOT be creative. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME IM LITERALLY NOT OVER THA T. told me it 5 hours ago and im going to literally scream

(i ended up punching my desk so hard that ppl in the vc heard it and questioned if i was okay ^^)

also, his creativity is shown in so many other ways!! he creates art in a different way than his friend, and i dont think they realize that.

THERE IS MORE TO ART THAN A DRAWING, PAINTING, OR SCULPTURE. ITS ALSO WORDS, MOVIES, AND CAN BE EXPRESSED IN COMEDY.

i need that to be engraved in their head. his friends are easy to tolerate or get along w, esp cuz i dont talk much, but i have had some sort of distaste for said friend for YEARS in school... and i've been trying to like them, i am. but when he says degrading shit? THAT ISNT EVEN TRUE? oh my god

i need an outlet for this anger im holding because when i talk abt it in counseling tmrw she will be surprised to see how angry i'll get talking about this. im usually very laidback and calm whenever talking about anything (esp my boyfriend, im almost always giddy) so she will be like 😃

LMAOOO I CANT WAIT TO TALK TO HER TMRW

its like a weekly check in w a friend that is licensed to listen to u talk and can give u licensed advice. its so nice

i hope im accepted into school!!! i will be on the floor sobbing if not lol

i can always apply to other places but this is somewhere i rlly want to go to ;__;

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[krisisanerd]

50 reasons gnf is the worst dsmp member (JOKE JOKE JOKE)

he’s literally asleep all the time wtf

he’s a bottom

never even attends any events (just stop inviting him seriously)

his stupid little twink house was just so burnable. it’s his fault tommy burnt it down.

the burnability of his house caused tommy to be exiled

he’s a bottom

twink

he literally will not shut up

he keeps screaming for some reason

loud

annoying

seriously shut up for once please

he’s a bottom

he’s a bottom

sapnap is the best dteam member anyway

dream and sapnap have been friends for ten years therefore george is a third wheel

he’s colorblind (loser)

he screams like literally all the time

shut up BOTTOM

he couldn’t even bother to wake up for like one event like wtf

his little twink cottage isn’t even that cool

he literally has diamond ore in the floor like what a waste

wasteful

he’s british (and not the good kind)

he doesn’t know anything about sports (neither do i but he’s a loser abt it)

the way he says “dream” is so annoying tbh

he likes gucci like a LOSER

he’s a bottom (not even a power bottom, just a bottom. loser)

ppl draw him looking cute but he’s not cute

he can’t grow a beard (loser)

lied about the vlog (liar)

he listens to rap (and not even good rap)

lazy

dog person

he built a house out of flammable materials and got angry when someone burnt it down (loser)

whenever he laughs he looks like he’s in pain. stop laughing.

dreamnotfound? more like georgeplsleave

i dont want to find him tbh

blue isnt even his color

he cant see red

his colorblindness makes dream look yellow in his vision. piss vision

seriously shave you’re not going to grow a beard stop trying

sapnap is taller

short

old (hes 24, getting up there, bout to get arthritis or somethin)

seriously SHUT UP nobody cares BOTTOM

he thinks he’s so funny (spoiler alert: he isnt)

connor contributes more to the plot

he’s a bottom

did i mention he’s a fucking twink

im going to get fucking cancelled for this and i dont even have a platform.

[seungstarss]

friendship over FRIENDSHIP FUCKING OVER IM TAKING THE FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS BACK!!!!!

nah cause what in the actual fuck 😭😭😭😭😭 im deadass unfollowing u the instant i send this ask bc sei bestie ure a fucking psycho YOURE SICK you’re absolutely sadistic i can’t believe u just did that to me 😭😭😭😭 no cause i was v happy just reading ur other cute smaus and then ur crusty ass decides to recommend bet….. NO IM LITERALLY NEVER LISTENING TO U EVER AGAIN 😭 WHY WAS BET LIKE THAT. WHY WAS BET BUILT LIKE THAT. LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER HAD ME S C R E A M I N G AND NOT EVEN IN A GOOD WAY???? U WERE MAKING ME WANNA PULL OUT MY HAIR,,,, EVERYBODY WAS FUCKING INFURIATING AND BY THE END OF IT I LEGIR GAVE UP ON TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THINGS WERE HEADED BC ALL MY THEORIES WERE SO SO SO WRONG 😭 not me giving the best girl agenda to reiko 🤡 not me thinking heeseung would come out top 🤡 not me demonising luna/seoyeon when they rlly weren’t even all that bad 🤡 BYE. BYE. IM SHATTERED. ICB ALL THE CHARACTERS JUST YEETED AWAY YN LIKE THAT…… HEARTLESS MOFOS 😭 EVEN NICE BOY JAKEY TURNED OUT TO BE A FUCKING LOSER I 😭😭🤌

anyway youre fucking sick for this and i hate u so much 😭 but ok in all seriousness I ACTUALLY FUCKING LOVED THAT SO MUCH SEIIIIIIIU PLEASE R U KIDDING ME???????? I LOVE LOVE LOVE HOW ENGROSSING THE ENTIRE FIC WAS??? I WAS GENUINELY SURPRISED THAT U MADE THE FRAT BOYS INTO BAD GUYS BC NORMALLY WE ALWAYS SUGARCOAT THOSE THINGS AND HENCE WHY I KEPT THIMKING MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE SUNGHOON COULD REDEEM HIMSEFL…… BUT IM SO. SO SO SO GLAD U KEPT THE ENTIRE FIC SO SK SO UNPREDICTABLE?!?! I LOVE ALL THE FUCKING DRAMA???? THERE WERE SO MANY CHARACTERS AND SO MAMY LAYERS TO ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS THEY HAD W ONE ANOTHER I CANT BELIEVE U WERE EVEN ABLE TO KEEP TRACK OF THIS???????? OH MY GOSHHHHHHH IM IN LOVE W THIS FICCCCCCCC PLSSSSS 😭😭😭❤️❤️

SEI BESTIE U DID SOSOSOSOSO WELL!!!!!!!! i’m such a simp for ur work iDEK what to read on ur masterlist next 😭 but pls u rlly know how to make a good smau like ALL THE ELEMENTS WERE THERE???? it was so funny but intriguing and entirely unpredictanle and wild OMG I LOVED ITTTTTTTTTT I RLLY LOVE wicked characters so although the frat boys turned out to be assholes i kinda LOVED IT like it was so fun hating characters >:)))) I WAS GENUINELY ANGRY AT TIMES????? ALSO EVEN YN KINDA PISSED ME OFF TOO LIKE U RLLY SPARED NOBODY !!!! but ugh it was sosososososos good i can’t believe this has been missing from my life 😭

and omg U DID SO WELL ON UR WRITTEN PARTS TOO????? they added sm depth and detail and it was so nice w the way u weaved in all the dialogue too???? IM OBSESSED. WHY ARE U SO GOOD AT EVERYRHING PFFFTTT PLS IM SIMPING FOR SEI!!!! naur cos i rlly rlly enjoyed that omg thank u sm for the rec ;-; NOW I TOTALLY GET WHAT U MEANt WHEN U SAID THAT PEOPLE WERE SCREAMING AT THE CHARACTERS 😭 NAH CAUSE AFTER HEESEUNG DID WHAT HE DID,,, THE CONVO HE HAD W HOON WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN 😭 my lord i need to sit down i need to blankly stare at the wall for a hot minute while i try to compose myself

anyway bet goated sei goated taegyu goated

PLEASE MAI READING YOUR REBLOGS WERE SO FUNNY I CANNOT LIKE,,,, WHEN YOU WERE GUSHING OVER HEESEUNG I WAS LIKE GURLLLL 💀💀💀😈 BUT GETAUQTAAGAUA SOMETHING ABOUT MAKING YOUR CHARACTER SUFFER IS SO SATISFYING??? IM SO SORRY ETSHSTAUAG BUT YES REIKO WAS REALLY A SNAKE AND HEESEUNG. WE DONT TALK ABT HIM, HE'S UNSPEAKABLE. I WAS ACTUALLY ORIGINALLY GONNA DO A SPIN OFF FOR bet! HEESEUNG's BACKSTORY BUT I DECIDED NOT TO BC I GOT LAZY........ BUT LEMME JUST SAY HIS PAST IS TWISTED. (WHICH KINDA EXPLAINS WHY HE'S SO TWISTED AND ALL BUT AHAHAH I SHOULDNT TRY TO JUSTIFY HIM.)

BUT QFAHAFAH YES, I REALLY DIDN'T WANNA GO WITH THE TROPE WHERE THEY ALL FALL IN LOVE WITH HER BC??? IDK I'M NOT THE BIGGEST FAN OF REVERSE HAREM SAURRR... BUT I WANTED TO TAKE THAT IDEA AND TWIST IT 🤩

FSHAFAHA YOU ENJOYED THE WRITTEN PARTS HELP??? BET'S WRITTEN PARTS ARE OKAY, BETTER THAN REVELATIONS BC I FEEL LIKE I IMPROVED A BIT ON MY WRITING FROM REV TO BET (HOPEFULLY) BUT THIS COMING FROM YOU⁉️ THAT'S THE BIGGEST COMPLIMENT EVER

PLS I RECed BET BC I WAS ReALLY CURIOUS TO SEE HOW YOU WOULD REACT TO IT QTAHQTAHQ BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE FEEDBACK? ILYSM 😭😭😭💖

[spiderstyles04]

COBRA KAI SN 3 SPOILERS

Episode 1:

Can’t stand the fact that they’re trying to make Sam the victim, fuck the white bitch 😤. (okay yeah she’s kinda the victim but like she deserves to be blamed)

I can’t stand the fact that everybody keeps trying to make Robby the villain (ik he’s MIA, but the words they’re calling him make me wanna punt their asses into oblivion 🧎🏽‍♂️🏌️)

Episode 2:

Kreese is actually fucking sadistic wtf.

fuck men (esp. those that prey on young girls).

cops @ the prison rlly said: “I aint see nothin at all -👄-“.

wow so you can definitely see who is Johnny’s priority! Instead of continuing to look for his missing son, he went to go see Miguel🖕🏻.

and Miguel is like boohoo why’d this happen to me it’s all Johnny’s fault. Uh no it’s partially yours for accelerating the fight. Shouldn’t have gotten in the middle of a fight if you wanted to come out unharmed.

Robby blaming himself for everything and worry abt the others before himself is making me cry my eyes out pls 😭😖.

Daniel fucking Larusso rlly said let’s catch this scared teenage boy off guard and have a cop sneak up on him and arrest him

Episode 3:

I hate that Robby is in jail but he looks hot af

Not the LaRussos blaming Robby’s grudge on him being a teenage. Like you literally had a cop sneak up on a terrified kid and you expect him to take your calls???? I think tf not.

Sksks Sam rlly out here acting like Tory got angry outta nowhere and that she had no reason for being brutal. Yeah having a bad background doesn’t justify bullying but you kinda provoked her. YOU KISSED ANOTHER GIRL’S BOYFRIEND WHILE YOU HAD ONE OF YOUR OWN. SUCK IT UP AND SHUT UP LIL BABY.

Not Robby fighting with guys in prison over their comments abt Sam of all ppl 💀 she’s the reason you’re in there and she cheated, what the fuck are you defending her for?

sad puppy Robby is making me tear up shit I love him too much to see him in pain 😖

God I hate Eli. Imagine being jealous of not being able to creative enough to raise money for your friend so you resort to stealing the money from the only ones able to get money for him 💀.

“Douche clown” BAHAHA.

NOT JOHNNY MISSING OUT ON SEEING ROBBY BC HE WAS WITH MIGUEL HE COULD’VE CALLED AND LET HIM KNOW FUCK JOHNNY

Episode 4:

NOT JOHNNY ASSUMING THAT ROBBY IS THE ONE STARTING FIGHTS (reminds me of Jess and Rory from Gilmore Girls when she accused him of fighting with Dean when rlly he just got attacked by a bird)

I love that Robby is telling Johnny off like PERIODT KING GO OFF

Nah if some idiot wrecked my lego diagram that took me weeks to build, I’d knock him on his ass no hesitation. Idgaf if I got expelled

Not the counselor completely disregarding the fact that Dimitri’s project was wrecked

Every time Johnny enters Robby’s life, he just makes shit harder for him. I feel horrible for my bby

Kreese has a god complex & I wanna put him in the ground 🕳👨🏻‍🦽👩🏽‍🦯

Little miss princess got some anger issues oop

Not Johnny making a paralyzed kid get out of bed 💀

THOSE KIDS IN JUVIE BOUTA FEEL MY WRATH MFRS DISRESPECTING ROBBY MAKE ME WANNA SKSKSJSB

KREESE BETTER BACK THE EVERLOVING FUCK AWAY FROM MY BBY ROBBY I WILL NOT HESITATE TO RECREATE A CRIMINAL MINDS EPISODE WITH YOUR BODY GRANDPA DONT TEST ME

Episode 5:

Robby basically telling Kreese to fuck off and tell talk to “somebody who gives a shit” is everything to me I love him

Not Johnny using a sex magazine to motivate Miguel 🤢

If Robby gets back with Sam I will RIOT

Imagine taking pleasure from terrorizing others and children sksksk couldn’t be me

Damn it Robby you shouldn’t be fighting. It’s only gonna make your sentence worse bby. Ik he’s an asshole, but you gotta be the bigger man

The fight in the lazer tag place I- not even gonna comment

YAY MIGUEL GOT SOME MOVEMENT BACK IN HIS LEGS

POP OFF MRS. LARUSSO YOU PUT KREESE IN HIS PLACE

Episode 6:

I’m glad Eli is abt to get the vibe check he deserves

Miguel rlly should choose what he says more wisely like sir you can’t just tell the angry mentally unstable girl that she needs help sksksksk those are words of war to her

Oh Mrs. LaRusso getting in on the action lmao

Episode 7:

Damn Tory rlly wakes up every day and chooses violence uh it was a dream nvm

There’s no fooking way Miguel recovered from a spinal injury so quickly 🙄 also why’d they throw away the wheelchair??? That shit is expensive af

Imagine having a dad that actually feels genuinely bad for not keep up with your life SKSK couldn’t be me

I haven’t seen Robby in a hot minute and I’m getting pissed abt it.

I love when ppl tell Eli off. Gives me a diff kind of joy

tf is Eagle Fang sksksks

@ Kreese: Bye bitch 🥴

Episode 8:

THE DIFFERENCE BTWN THE THREE DOJOS IS SO FUNNY BAHAHAHAH

I cant believe they’re dicusssing Kreese when they’re abt to pick up Robby I- none of these men are fit to be stable father figured to him

Glad Robby told them to fuck off bc when the going gets tough, unfortunately, they will always choose someone else over Robby

But I’m all here for Miguel’s character development. Looks like soon I’ll have a total of 2 characters that I like on this show

NOT ROBBY DEFENDING SAM FOR CHEATING AND CALLING IT A MISTAKE PLS YOU ARE SO NAIVE SHUT UP SHES A STUPID GIRL WHO THINKS SHE CAN GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING PLS OPEN YOUR EYES

Eyyy go off Miguel preach

Nvm fuck that. I’m glad Robby walked in on Miguel and Sam flirting so he could see she isn’t all she’s cracked up to be. I’m glad he’s telling them off. I just hate that they’re making him out to be a villain, AGAIN UGH

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO IF ONLY YALL COULD HEAR MY SCREAM OF ANGUISH WHEN ROBBY WALKED THROUGH THE DOORS OF COBRA KAI BABY NO YOURE THE GOOD GUY DONT GO WITH THE FUCKING PSYCHOTIC ASSHAT PLEASE

Episode 9:

Fuck fuck fuck I’m terrified for this episode

MERRY CHRISTMAS 🎄

oh shit Ali...

Trouble is in the air....

Miguel and Sam 🙄😀

Oh so Robby is back in his sn 1 wardrobe... 🤬

OH I SWEAR FOR FUCKS SAKE IF TORY AND ROBBY GET TOGETHER I WILL STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR GOOD ISTG

PERIODT ROBBY DENY THE BEER A WISE DECISION

Not you making bad decisions again Robby smh we’re trying to keep you out of jail

I repeat... if Robby and Tory get together I am RIOTING

Fuck Johnny

Episode 10 - final episode:

I am the quintessential example of seething anger. If I was an anime character, I’d have steam coming out of my ears and a tic mark on my forehead smh

BAHAHAH DANIEL’S GLACES TO JOHNNY ARE SENDING ME

Tory has got some anger issues that surpass even my own, and that’s saying something

Also why tf are they fighting in Sam’s house??? Like I don’t like her but thats not only trespassing passing on private property, but the damages they’re causing are gonna cost a buttload

I’m just glad that Robby isn’t there to fight. Thank you bby

I LOVE THE MUSIC IN THE FIGHT SCENE WE LOVE SOME ROCK CHRISTMAS INSTRUMENTALS

I love the fact that Eli is realizing how fucking stupid he’s been acting

NO ROBBY DONT FIGHT JOHNNY YOU DONT KNOW THE FULL PICTURE BABY STOP BEING FUCKING DUMB

NO JOHNNY THREW ROBBY INTO THE LOCKERS FUCK IS HE OKAY IS BABY OKAY

DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT KREESE DONT PICK IT UP YOU GERIATRIC ASSWIPE

NO ROBBY IS FULLY UNCONSCIOUS FUCK IF I WAS THERE I WOULD BE ABLE TO HELP BC IM FIRST AID TRAINED AND CPR CERTIFIED CALL 911 JOHNNY

YAY DANIEL TO THE RESCUE

I’m still crying over Robby fuck

Everybody over here hashing shit out and Robby is inside the dojo like X👄X

NVM HES OKAY HES WALKING IT OFF

NO GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP BITCH BC YOURE STILL NOT THINKING STRAIGHT WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH KREESE GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

Anyways all in all, fuck season 3 gn

[bibbleboo]

god i rly do think the only way im ever gonna be happy or have a life im not miserable dedicating to somebody else is if i find a way to live alone. but i literally dont know if thats possible shdfsdfhs i cant drive i cant do dishes i make $500 a month im like. so fucked and honestly if i wanted to i could probably solve Some of these problems but im not. even given enough time to work on honing my adult skills. 

yall not to sound bitter or whiny but straight up since my early teen years all ive ever known is being forced to take care of other people. i was never given the unconditional care and support system it takes a teen to learn how to grow up without worrying abt failing bc i was too busy being roped into caring for other people and fixing all their problems and they in return would help with my disability issues. so i never Grew from that or rly i grew at a snails pace bc i had to barely squeeze in time to work on myself. all my progress was halted by that and i was just stuck in that spot. cuz like for them its only ever an exchange to accommodate me and anything less is unfair and they just stop doing it. and part of me feels guilty and cant help but feel like, ok how can i expect more than that though. like how can i expect accommodation without balance. ppl need 50/50. but also literally, how am i supposed to take care of myself and grow when i am constantly trying to pay off a debt to others just for existing with needs. 

and then they fucking complain im not doing enough for them or for myself and like i!!!!! ok shit or get off the pot then!!! i WANT to do this im just scared if i fail yall wont take me back in bc i stopped being ur fucken slave and then im gonna go back to 11 yr old me attempting sui.ci/de twice bc thats how i look at rock bottom apparently and i dont trust her!!! and its YOUR GUYS FAULT LIKE.... i love my family but . they ruined a lot of shit for me with this fucked up cycle. telling me ‘you just need to push yourself’... when do i have the time when im playing ur fuckin mommies. literally. where am i expected to pull the time or strength or energy or motivation . fuck off like. im needy bc yall didnt give me enough time to learn not to be and i feel like intentionally or not part of it was to keep me around to help them out like uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh i hate this oh my goddddd yall didnt give me the tools to be an adult and now just to escape u im gonna have to jump the shark with Nothing and hope i dont end up homeless or forever fucked in bad credit debt land , while knowing if i got evicted or smth i would literally right away try to kms , again because i waSNT GIVEN PROPER CHANCES TO FAIL OR SUCCEED OR LEARN BC I WAS TOO BUSY KEEPING YALL FROM FAILING LIKE I----- AAAAAHH WHATT DID U EXPECTTTttTTTTTTTT i wanna scream. i never wanted to be a hyper dependent idiot that asks for this much w.o being able to return the favor well enough but yall didnt give me the fucking care i needed to learn how to do anything else so good luck w/o me babes when i figure a way out of here xoxo . but no honestly part of what pisses me off most tho is that when i leave they WILL be able to figure it out, theyll be angry and struggle a little at first but theyll adapt. i rly might not be able to figure this out, itd be my first time adapting to relying on myself and filling Only my needs. its so ufcking wildly unfair i just wanna cry and punch somebody

[starrykiwis]

☝️✏️🎤🎶📝👊💘🎥📺🚀👟🔮😔😡!! desculpa são tantos i'm curious

IM SCREAMING omg agatha socorrororor!!! bom okay vo responder em ingles!!

~~~~~~~~

☝ - How tall are you?

- u mean how short i am bc i’m 5′1′’ lmao

✏️ - Want any tattoos?

- yeah!!!!! definetely!!! idk which ones yet but i’m prob gonna get some origami one with a watercolor splash (??) on it lol!!! also maybe a teapot?? a word?? DEFINETELY A FLOWER ONE DAY or waves!!! or.. … . a constellation!! maybe a simple and cute saturn bc i’m obsessed with it

🎤 - Top 5 favorite bands?

- i already ‘’’’’’’answered””” it lol i’m The Worst

🎶 - Top 5 favorite songs?

not in any particular order:

- i loOoOOove little girl blue!!!… not one song specifically but i love a lot of versions of it. i guess nina simone’s is my favorite but janis joplin’s version is my second fav??? my 1.6 fav jdhskjdhs but i love ella fitzgerald’s, frank sinatra’s, the carpenters (or just karen’s idk) versions!!! u can get a few different vibes from each version which is nice…. i just love it a lot

- pais e filhos - legião urbana… monte castelo as well

- sweet disposition - the temper trap

- sound & color - alabama shakes

- velha infância - tribalistas & epitáfio - titãs (i love these two since i was v v young)

- i also really love saturn by sleeping at last!! it’s a beautiful one

there’s more than 5 songs soz :/

📝 - Story from your childhood

- when i was learning how to ride a bike my dad took me to ride down a slope and i was v excited about it but he didn’t tell me i was supposed to use the brakes so i went down the hill very fast and fell and hurt my mouth and my knees lmao my mom cried and got angry at him

👊 - Something you hate?

- violence, any type of it. i’d say ‘oh i don’t really h8 anything. ‘hate’ is such a strong word’ but i do hate it and get angry abt it so yeah also motorcycle’s noises, they scare the shit outta me

💘 - Be my tumblr crush?

- i dont even know how could i ever be anyone’s tumblr cursh or anything… at all lmAO

🎥 - Top 5 favorite movies?

not in any particular order, again:

- the hp series

- little miss sunshine

- one day

- le fabuleux destin d'amélie poulain

- i cant rmr any other one now wth

📺 - Top 5 favorite TV shows?

- i dont really watch tv shows but i love pll, criminal minds, fresh prince of bel air & friends

🚀 - Where do you wanna visit?

- the whole world basically lol but a lot of places in brazil and latin america as a whole & a bit of europe, asia…yeah a lot of places

👟 - Favorite shoe(s) to wear?

- none or just socks lmao flip flops, slippers, converse… i’m obsessed w oxford shoes but i dont have any :cccc

🔮 - Do you believe in luck?

- yeah but in some occasions only ofc

😔 - Something that makes you sad?

- when someone i love is sad/having problems and i feel like they need me and i can’t help them or when i feel like i’m not worthy of anyone’s love lmao this is p random but i’ve been feeling this way lately

😡 - What pisses you off?

- when people are rude for nothing or just shitty and horrible also motorcycle’s noises and hairy soaps i dont understand how people leave their whole hAIR IN A SMALL PIECE OF SOAP AND DON’T NOTICE IT LIKE FAM UR BALD

~~~~~~~~

thank u agatha my lvoe!!! i loved doing these

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300718

me and my mom fighting and it brings up memories from like 1-2 years ago when we were fighting all the fucking time, partly bc she was depressed and idk i just found it annoying or smth. idk why. its so mean of me to be so cold and just constantly scream at her and be angry at her even though shes sick and struggling financially but now when i hear her crying again i just cant........ stand it. i get so fucking angry its brings be back to 7th grade again and it totally pisses me off. i feel like seems playing the victim but i know she doesnt line i know its hard for her and she's been through stuff too but i just........... i dont feel anything. i dont feel any compssion or empathy at all i just feel ANNOY.

idk why i am like that. my older adoptive brother used to live with me, mom and lil sis bc he was depressed too and didnt have anywhere to live and i was so pissed. i went to this rich white school and i hated having divorced parents, a mom who was depressed and i couldnt afford all the other things the other kids could. now i realize what they got was fucking insane like they travelled abroad 2727 times a year and only wore designer brands at age 13 like who the fuck can afford that. but back then it made me feel like shit and my relationship to money is just....... even now i cant buy expensive shit. or yes i can, like computer snd stuff but i cant buy expensive clothes or make up cus i feel like such a brag and i still kinda feel like that cus dont like money but i also want money imd sving like s crazy person i have quite much money and i feel quiltat cus i have a lot but i still feel poor and i still cant get myself to spend. and my childhood was ever rough, my parents always made sure to give us what we needed (even if it wasnt like ine if those ugly juicu picture outfits for 100$ each) but i still hated the fact that my dad has to pay for mom and we had to live with him more just bc mom was depressed or not financially stable. i hated to hear them talk abt money and as the older sister i always felt responsible

it was hell back then and im soooo glad we're through that but ive always been the bitch dramatic annoying difficult kid that no one liked. and i was that bc....... idk i have so much anger and sade as within me i guess and also cus well.... then my lil sis wont have to do all this fighting. she was mostly quiet and if she was sad she was sad on her own (or maybe talked to mom a bit sfter). i think she was svared of me back then and i dont blame me i was very very aggressive and im still very aggressive when fighting

im just so frustrated. idk why im such s mean bigch i just cant stand it. maybe i feel guilty?? maybe im svared? idk but when i hear my mom cry i just want to go up to her and slap her. i remember when they divirced and i was like 11. it was like lodig a family again tbh, no it WAS losing a family again. i was always proud over our family but after that it was hell. and i constantly blamed mom and dad for adoöting us, then divorcing snd then getting fucking depressed and low key poor. i was so angry abt mom divorcing dad and i didnt even care why. its so insenditive bc i remember she called dad an enotional abuser and i can low key undersyand what she means but its more like my dad just not being able to express his feelings and he delas with it like pretending nothings wrong which is frustrating ss hell. were fighting a lot too cus he refuses to see things and hes always this positive hoe like..... anyways i blamed her and i saw her as my enemy. thats a problem i have i alwyas see people as friends or enemies and nothing in between. i always think ppl want to hurt me, even my own boyfriend. wow ive been so mean to him too. a mistake and i avt like hes the worst fkn scum on earth just trying to stab me. i blamed mom for everything and the worst thing is that when she says "shes okay with it", me blaming her snd she undersyand its i just grt even more angriper and frustrated and i just cant stand that goody goody. same with my boyfriend when i was treating him like trash and he forgave me i was like........ bitch no

i dont know why it id like that. its like in pushing people away. i obviously do, i realized. i always thought i was the one clinging onto ppl and them ababdoning me but im actually pushing them away bu being a dramatic bigch snd always starting drama when im not satisifed. i started drama with my friends cus i felt like they didnt like me which was actually justified tho cus they beger invited me to anything  and they cut off ppl if they one day decided they didnt like them so i was constantly scared snd wanted more attention eve tho they gave me everything. and obviously that fucked shir up and they cut me off snd i went BANANAS.

why do i always go bananas. its happening iver and over again. i alwyas go bananas and im always so hateful. my attitude to everything is like: "ITS ME!!!! IM THE CICTIM!!!" i really have an inferior complex dont i?? but i also kinda have a superior complex too? where it ink im better. but i think my superior complex is like s defense mechanism to my inferior. im like a bully but more of a drama queen. i remember when my ex bff called me a drama wueen i was soooooooo offended and now i realize bc its true. i am a drama queen but not bc i think its fun fighting thats why i got offended. ppl always think k want to start fights and like to start fights and...... its kind sture but not really. its true that i always start fights and that i feel like i have to fight allt he time but its simple bc of what i justs aid; i feel like i always have to fight and win. life is a constant battle for me, everyones after me. i have to fight even though im anxious all the time im fighting.

i dont understand why im so mean all the time. like when my mom is crying or when she was depressed or when me and my boyfriend are fighting and im so mean i make him cry i dont feel anything. i once said to my dad "now i understand why mom divirced you" and i didnt even feel bad about it. i just get annoyed, especially at my mom. i just want to tell then to shut the fuck up and when i was younger i literally did. my parents got divorced, my mom got ptsd, our money.... :// and i literally just blamed her for everything. for breaking up with dad, adopting me and my sister, divorcing, getting sick, getting bad economy. i hated her and i was such a mean little bitch. we fought constantly for years and even though its better now...... its still there within me. i was fighting with her again today and heard her crying and i just..... wanted her to stop. not because i care but because it makes me feel bad or something i dont know? oh yes, that must be it by the way. its probably guilt. yes its definitely guilt. even when she forgives me and even my boyfriend forgives me for being mean i get even more annoyed and it MUST be because i feel even more guilty?? i dont undersyand though why am i alwyas so mean. its really true i feel like the world is against me. i see people as friends or enemies and nothin inbetween like my boyfriend can make a mistake and i can get so fucking angry bc i think he wants to hurt me or something which is horrible. hes literally crying, telling me that he's been there for me all this time, when i wanted to die, when i fought with my parents and lost all my friends. hes telling me; "ive only been trying to help you. ive only been kind to you. why do you think i want to hurt you. i love you. why cant you see that"

just thinking back at those words gets me teary. hes so right but at moments like those i cant see or feel it. im blinded by.... i dont know. paranoia? hatred? fear? at that moment i refuse to see the truth in his words and instead i grow even more annoyed. and then i feel guilty and i try to shut him out which im doing by blaming him. i once forced him to break up with me just to blame him for it. thats some psycho shit and no matter how much im trying to undersyand i dont undersyand my own behavior but i also know im the first one to declare WAR as soon as someone criticize me. only my boyfriend can criticize me (when im stable, uhhh when im not stable im afraid i would be very very very mean to him). i only tteust him. but im also so guilty. hes too nice for me and we all know its true. im just using him. im using him. first i used him for his love and undersyanding. and now im not even in live with him anymore. now i use him because of everything we've been through, because i trust him better than anyone and because im svared of being alone and unloved. i dont know if i live him or if thats just some sick shit an abuser would tell themselves to keep staying with their target. i'd like to think i love him but maybe i only think about myself. maybe im only living on his love anyways because i sure as hell dont live myself. can i really say i love jim? look at me. im sad and i feel bad im about to text him i love him but then is top myself.... is that only me manipulating him? manipulating myself? i want to believe i love him to make me feel ebtter? ir would make sense considering how much i use him tor reassure myself. ive beeb doubting our relationship a lot and everytime i use him as a comforter to tell me everything will be fine.

i feel like im always mean and scare people away even though i want them to stay with me. even though i want to love them. why is it like that. why do i always feel so fucked up

sometimes im afraid to show this side and sometimes im not.

in struggling between moving on from the disgusting person i was but like..... i dont wanna escape. i feel like im only ignoring her snd i dont deserve it. i feel like im still that person no matter how much i try to move one idk. maybe its time? maybe it would feel better if i apologized but i just.... cant. im too proud. they both apologized to be snd in the moment i accepted and apologized to them too but now..... i dont know. sometimes i feel like i was a complete bitch and everhthing was my fault which it was. i was having a war with myself and i dragged them into it. i was paranoid and thought they only wanted to hurt me. but st the same time i also KNOW they did things that werent very smart. i dont think they did it on purpose like i think back then but...... fuck it was stupid and im still mad about it. i just felt so abandoned and humiliated and the reason i got so depressed back then was because i realized its because of who i am. similar things have happened before but i just kept going cus i thought they were dumb af but now i really realized i got issues. snd im afraid i wont ever be able to make a real friend if i cant fix it

i feel like i have to hide it and if i hide it and cant show it im a bad person and ppl will judge me and hate me (justified)

im trying to be positive and the better im feeling, the less mean i am but like...... im still mean and abusive.

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.