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countless-potr · 1 year

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I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters, it was a full house. Wasn't easy to get all of us spending quality time together. There's a couple moments that really stick out in my brain though. Trying to watch the Grinch while the volume was out on the living room tv and eventually using the power of our combined puppy dog eyes to convince our mom to let us watch it on the working tv in her room all piled up in the bed with her.

Climbing the tree in the back yard we weren't supposed to climb while our mom and dad screamed at each other in the house. All of us got up there. 5 kids one tree, I'd always try and climb the highest. There was a little valley behind our house. Maybe more like a storm drain then anything. And we'd just stare out into it and talk. My big brother would always talk about how he was going to get away from here and one day he'd come back for us all. (He did get away but he never came back. I didn't expect him to. He was never any kind of a hero.) Just up in a tree for an hour daydreaming out loud about going somewhere where there where no spankings, screaming parents, or bugs, and taking care of ourselves.

A much happier memory though was Mom reading to us. All of us at once, ages 15 to 5. I don't imagine it was easy to find a good book for that but one day she borrowed a book from my brother from his school library and it was perfect. Fantasy, adventure, pretty simple for the younger kids, not to simple for the older ones, and it started with a boy just like me. Wearing dirty hand me down clothes, being locked away, scared, hungry, miserable, and escaping into a good and magical place. I think we all wanted to escape like that even Mom. My uncle came and took us all to see the first movie in theaters before Mom finished the first book for us. That was so special. We never got to go out like that.

I think it was less then a year later that someone called social services. It wasn't the first time but it was going to be the last. All the dreams of getting away don't really prepare you for what's on the other side. You don't get to keep all the people you love and there wasn't new better parents waiting. Just a series of guardians who would care for me for about a year before deciding they "weren't a good fit" and sending me on my way. The world changed around me constantly, I figured out how to cope, how to mask, how to recenter myself with the shows loved and the books I reread over and over. You don't get to keep a lot of stuff with you. Finding out you're moving the week before or even the day of meant a lot of shoving things in trash bags and misplaced possessions. But every school has a library, you map it out and you're set.

I kept up with every new book in that series my mom would read. They'd take so long to come to the school libraries but I'd wait, happy and excited for more. They got darker and it felt like they were growing up with me. The 3rd was my favorite, I didn't like the 5th but the last book was the first time I remember being truly disappointed with the series. I was in highschool and probably to old to not notice the series' flaws. But at the time I kinda felt like an outsider to the love the rest of my family still had for it.

Growing up I still saw my siblings and parents on the weekends and we all stayed attached to these books, talking with my mom about the newest one, and getting excited when my little brother finally caught up with the me so we could debate theories. But then the last one came out and I was alone disliking it. What a weird emotion that was. To feel lonely because of a bad book.

I am gender fluid, my gender depends on the hour, sometimes it's this thing, or that thing, or many things, or nothing. I took a long time to figure it out but while I thought I was cis and heterosexual (also not that) I was learning all I could about the queer community on tumblr. Not the best place to do that. But I was in a group home at the time and then I was unbelievably broke. It's hard to go out like that. While there I kept seeing stories of one of my favorite childhood authors giving all her money to charities, supporting women's rights and the LGBT community. She made a beloved kids character gay! That seemed very cool to me. Didn't matter that it wasn't in the book. The only gay characters I had ever seen in fiction were in fanfiction.

I'm almost 30 now. Things have changed. I'm living with my parents, isn't that weird. Dad's gotten old, Moms losing her hearing, we're all still poor. I haven't forgiven them but I still love them and there's no point being angry now. The world's gone to shit. I'm sure you've noticed the constant bad news, like remember that author I told you about? The one that seemed amazing and open minded about the LGBT community? Yeah, turns out she's a monster. A paranoid powerful woman trying to use her money and influence to destroy the people she's scared of. And she's scared of me. A rat poor living with their parents 29 year old, how pathetic is she. I know compassion can be hard when you're scared but there is never a good reason to be cruel. I hope she deletes her socials, retired to the country and spends the rest of her days sitting on her porch alone saying hateful things to the air where no one can hear her and no one cares.

She's trying to take something from me. Something far more horrible then a few mediocre kids books, but I think I'm going to keep this one little thing. Just this one, the first one. I got rid of the rest. I've had this for over 20 years and its mine now. It's a memory. A little dream. Like a painting in a childhood bedroom. You didn't ever need or want to know the political views of the artist and it doesn't really matter if it's good or not it's just yours.

Trans Lives Matter

#personal #trans lives matter #transphobia #rambling #jk rowling #harry potter #wasnt going to tag them because this is about me #not the books or the author and certainly not about the discourse #this isnt a statement about morals #or right and wrong #its just a late night flow of thoughts about my complicated emotional relationship with the books #“these books ment a lot to me growing up” isnt an excuse to give a hateful person more of your money as an adult #but that meaning doesnt go away #and those feelings can be hard to deal with #especially when everyone acts like hating this thing is a sign of righteousness #abuse tw

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honneythatsgay · 4 years

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Representation matters

"Why are there so many gay characters in movies nowadays. It's not like we need them."

Maybe you, a straight cis white person don't need them, but many people do. And you may think you don't need them, but if you say it, the truth is, you do. You need to see them to realise, that other people might need seeing them to accept their own selves.

Growing up catholic, with no positive gay representation in media, I was homophobic. As a child, you don't think for yourself, espetially if the things that need to be filtered, are said by church, and as a catholic kid believes, by God. I didn't understand what I hated, I just knew it was bad. There were the bad gays, the gender ideology, the freaks.

I was a homophobic kid. When I liked someone, some band or celebrity, and then heared that they were at least rumoured to be gay, I stopped liking them, just because.

When at age 10, maybe 11, I realised I enjoyed looking at female actresses much more than at male actors, I told myself on and on, that I just wanted to look like them. I didn't like them, like other girls liked male actors, I just wanted to look like them. "Just look at her face. Don't let your eyes leave her eyes." I had to tell that to myself, when my eyes started wandering on their bodies. Liking girls is bad. Lesbian is a bad word. I'm not a lesbian. I can't like girls.

Now as a young gay woman, seeing all the representation, I find comfort in those characters. I look back at my childhood, and think that I'll never raise my children in that hypocritical church. I'll never let that happen to them. I'm still afraid of the Polish word "lesbijka". I don't think I'll ever use it. I don't even know if I identify with it. Because of growing up in the heteronormative world, I don't even know if I'm attracted to men, or if it's my internalised homophobia. The belief, that if I'm still attracted to men, that there's still hope for me to be normal. To fit in. For the homophobic part of my family, to not hate me.

"Why do gay people need to act so gay? Why do you need to make it your personality?"

For our whole lives, we keep building walls around ourselves. We create masks, to hide who we really are, in order to protect ourselves. We're never truly who we are on the inside. We grow up, creating false personalities, acting like we're not affected by everything that goes on around us. Until we fully come out, we have to live, like full time actors. Even when we come out to some people, there are still many we fear for to find out. For our whole lives, we have to smile, when people say hateful things about us, not even knowing they concern us. We have to nod and agree with them, because we're trying to protect ourselves.

We live in constant fear. Someone we don't even know, may be a threat, just because of who we are. People die, just because of who they are. Because of things they didn't choose.

So when we finally come out, when we're comfortable around someone, we act overly gay, because we can express ourselves, be who we are and not fear.

"Why do you care about those real life people so much. I understand if they were fictional characters, but why female football players? Why do you care about them?"

Fictional characters show existence of gay people. This representation matters. But there is no more important representation, than real life people. They show that no matter who you are, you can be happy. I care so much about their gay relationships, because they give me hope. Looking at them, I know that there is a chance. That you can find love. Looking at them, I feel more at ease. Like they were here to save me.

"Why do you spend so much time on social media?"

Because that's where my community is. No matter where I am, and where they are. When I see them, when I read their posts and talk to them, I know I have people beside me. I know I'm understood. There are people who go through similar things. People from whom I can seek advice. People who can be there for me, when noone else is. People whom I, can help if they need it.

When I'm on social media, I'm with my people. With people who don't judge me, and if they do, I don't care, cause I don't really know them. I can be judged and hated all over on the social media, and it'll never hurt as much as knowing that my own family hates who I am, even without knowing it.

"Why do you care so much about trans rights? Why do you care so much about black lives matter? Why do you care so much about matters, that don't concern you?"

They may not concern me, but I understand people they do concern. I, at least partially, understand the hurt they're going through. I know, that seeing other people care, helps. I understand how it is, when people who know nothing about you, decide your fate. I understand the fear of rejection and having your rights taken away.

So I want to help them. I want to make them feel better. I care about all people, I care that they're happy and feel as safe as possible.

Everyone should care.

Representation matters, because it makes you not feel so alone.

Representation matters, because it makes you realise you're not a freak.

Representation matters, because it gives you community.

Representation matters, because it shows people whom it doesn't concern, the hurt other people go through.

Representation matters, because it makes other people help.

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ablednt · 2 years

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Honestly though, while of course not even remotely to the level where I’d imply that I experience transmisogyny or am transfem or anything (I very much do not), I will always relate more to how transfems talk about and view their womanhood than I ever will with cis women, as a disabled person who simply was not ever viewed like my nondisabled dfab peers were.

I grew up Desperately just Wanting To Be A Girl, in my case it differs somewhat in that I was also Expected to be a girl but like I guess if you haven’t grown up having your girlhood denied on the basis of your disability and/or another marginalized feature it’s not really something easily understood but I was treated like a pet by everyone I have never had the same kind of dignity around gender that people extended to abled cis girls around me.

So I spent my entire teenage years desperately expending spoons I didn’t have shaving and putting on makeup that made me look less like I had dwarfism and chronic illness and desperately mirroring my peers to try and mask my autism but all that ever got me was being pulled along behind the Real Girls so they could check off their charity for the week (literally happened to me multiple times) and people joking about me being like their pet and such and always being berated by adults in my life for Not Being A Girl because I was Just Something Else.

And it really makes me feel like even though recently I’ve started to connect to womanhood a lot more than I did last year when I was going through some real bad dysphoria, it’s not even remotely in the way that cis women do it. It’s this inherently nonbinary presence for me because in a (metaphorical rather than physical) sense I am transitioning into this state of being, it’s like, for me I’m taking a dignity and sense of self that was never offered to me.

And it’s like, no even if for whatever reason I decided that the only thing I wanted to identify with was womanhood (not going to happen) I’d inherently not be cis because cis girlhood was literally never extended to me the same way it was for nondisabled cis girls. I cannot relate to their lives, their perceptions of their own gender, and frankly I don’t WANT to be them anymore. A lot of my dysphoria came not from being feminine but from the trauma of spending years Desperately fawning on and pandering to the girls around me only to be repeatedly mistreated and rejected.

It was never my choice whether or not I was a girl before, growing up, the only times that anyone ever acknowledged my girlhood were if it was to impose some kind of unpleasantry upon me (cause even if people will outright admit I barely register as human to them let alone someone with a gender, it’s not going to free me from misogyny </3) so in that sense I feel like I grew up in a nonbinary state and like I have very little common ground with abled cis women, ESPECIALLY if they’ve never felt signifigantly dehumanized.

For me becoming a girl, or more girl like, is a small sort of transition because it’s a reclamation of and an indulgence in something that was never extended to me.

#this is all also extremely exasperated by exomemories but that's not something I feel super comfortable talking about #since I think singlets would very easily misunderstand that gray area of 'these are things that used to affect me and though they don't at #all apply to my current experience there is some residual' and also because I don't feel comfortable talking about stuff that private #very much on here but ahdiofgh yeah

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mellowrat21 · 3 years

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Rough Changes.

AU where the bullying Sal recieves from Travis, his school crush, gets so hard to him, it almost kills him, so he decides to close some cycles and get the hell out of the situation. Cw: mention of self harm, bullying, graphic violence, strong vocabulary, polyamorous relationships, mild (really really mild) implied sex scene(?, heavily loaded with angst. Fandom: Sally Face Words: 4800 Hope you enjoy it!

The first time Sally went out around Nockfell he used to wear a beanie to hide his bright, long, electric blue hair and wore discrete clothes, but as the time went by and he started hanging out with Larry, Ash and Todd, his confidence slowly started going higher and higher until he started going to school with his signature hairstyle, some hairpins and his favorite clothes, he was a cis guy, and he was bisexual, but who cared, everyone who saw him thought he was a girl and probably a lesbian since he hung out with Ashley so much. And he didn’t give a flying fuck about it, he wouldn’t make an effort to change his voice to make it sound “more feminine” or go to the women’s restroom because he didn’t feel the need to, he was a guy, period. Some people didn’t seem to agree and thought he was a trans guy or something, which was terribly stupid and Sal and his friends would always mock the people that harassed him on the streets “you will never be a real woman, you tranny!” or “no matter how many chemicals are in your body, you will always be a girl!”, people never knew if he was a girl or a boy, and that amused him a lot. But then, when they got to the middle of 8th grade, a new kid was introduced to his class, he was a tall, brown boy with shiny blonde hair, he had what appeared to be a bruise on his left eye but Sal thought it was rude to stare, so he lowered his head, wondering if it was a bruise or a birthmark. The kid got to sit beside him, they didn’t talk at all, if not just the common “hi” from when a new kid gets introduced to the class and you’re the one sitting next to them. Dear diary: Today in class there was a new kid, he is cute, I wanna be his friend and maybe share drawings or stickers or even Pokémon cards, what if he collects them too? I could find the ones I don’t have and he could benefit from mine too. He’s my age, his name is Travis. I think he’s religious, so not cool, religion is boring, I always sleep in religion class. I’m gonna ask him if he wants to sit with me at lunch, he might be lonely since he’s a new boy at school, I wanna be his first friend, I could even introduce him to the group!

Alright, gotta sleep, Sal out.

The alarm clock was buzzing, letting Sal know it was time to get out of bed and ready for a heavy Tuesday of school, he hated Tuesdays, no band club, no art classes, nothing, just geometry, math and a lot of history, Spanish and English, oh, and religion too. He got up and went to take a quick shower, it was cold and he didn’t really like turning the heater on, it was too noisy for being 6:40 in the morning the time he showered for school. When he got out of the shower, he put on his underwear and with a towel around his hair he sat on the sink to take care of his reddish scars, that day they were way more tender than usual, it stung and even hurt in some places the q-tip touched with the lotion. He sighed, getting back down from the sink and finding a meowing Gizmo on his bed, who stretched as soon as he saw his owner, asking him to pet him and rub his belly. “Aw hi little guy! Did you get some good sleep?” Sally asked in a tiny voice, thoroughly shaking Gizmo’s big belly, he earned a purry meow from him, who got up and walked out of the room to get food. Sal let out a breathy giggle and started going through his closet, thinking what he should wear; he found a white skirt he thought was really cute, tried it on but found out it was way too short and it showed the scars on his thighs, he didn’t want any more visits to the school counselor for self-harm even though his scars were a combination of cuts made by him and scratches made by Gizmo. He decided to stop thinking so much and just grabbed a pair or ripped black skinny jeans with patches and chains Larry had gifted him for his 15th birthday and a pastel blue gloomy bear t-shirt to go with it, by the time he tied his usual blue converse he thought of grabbing a hoodie, so he grabbed a red zip-up hoodie and threw it on before he went to get some breakfast, some peach slices and Greek yogurt did the job and after a little bit of him styling his hair with his dryer and iron, he went to brush his teeth, he grabbed his bag after putting his prosthetic on and headed out. On the way he found Larry, with whom he went to the bus stop while chatting a little bit. “hey Lar, did you see the new kid?” Sal asked, eager to hear the answer, he was so interested in him, he was excited to know him. “uh yeah, that Travis boy? He’s chill, why? Larry said, munching on a chocolate chip cookie that might be his breakfast, he had his hair tied back in a messy bun which showed he didn’t shower, and those bruise-like bags under his eyes made clear he didn’t sleep either. “huh? What do you mean chill, did you talk to him?” Sal’s eyelids perked up, surprised by his friend talking about his interesting future new friend. “oh hell no, he’s religious, I would never get near a religious guy, they’re scary with all their crazy ‘god loves you’ shit” Larry shivered jokingly, earning an annoyed sigh from Sal, who playfully punched his friend’s shoulder. “he can’t be that bad bro, he’s 14, he probably just uses the cross necklace because his dad makes him.” Sal tried to shrug it off, then the bus came and they got on. While looking for a seat, Sal spotted a blonde head, and when he got closer, low and behold, it was Travis. He was talking to another blue haired kid that attended their school, but they suddenly locked eye contact and Sal smiled to him, only to remember he couldn’t see it, so he shakingly waved until Larry softly pushed him to sit behind Travis and the other boy that was there. “come on dude, you’re gonna fall if you stay there!” Larry tugged on his hoodie, which made him sigh and sit next to his friend, his face red as a cherry and the blush spreading to his ears. That was so embarrassing… “woah woah dude are you okay? Do you have like a fever or something? Your face is hot as fuck and your so re- AH DUDE NOT COOL!!” Larry said worried, getting elbowed on the stomach by his flustered friend who was literally shaking on his seat. “i-I am- I’m okay it’s j-ju-just I-… fuuuuck” Sal stammered out, not being able to form a sentence from how hard he was shaking, then he hear a gasp from the

seat in front of him. “what? Are you- are you a boy?” a flustered, weirded out Travis was looking at him, he looked disgusted and scared. “uh m-me? I- I… yes, I’m a boy…” Sal stuttered again, scared, the first words they exchanged and they were not at all the ones he expected. “what the- ugh, boys don’t wear skirts, you shouldn’t wear that kind of attires, it’s ungodly.” The disgust in Travis’ face was growing with every word and Sal was literally at the verge of tears from how scared he was, even though he had picked a gender neutral looking outfit he got a bad comment, from the boy he wanted to be friends with. Sal tried to talk but the words were stuck in his mouth, when a sudden movement startled him to the point he yelped. “yo, clothes don’t have gender. Go fuck with someone else smartass.” Larry had jerked up from his sit, completely angered and with a threatening stand. Travis got scared himself and he just turned around mumbling something under his breath. Sal was silently crying, little sobs slipped from under the mask his day didn’t start well at all and he had heard what the boy in front of him had mumbled.

He called him a faggot.

His day went on horribly, boring classes, all of them where he sat next to the boy who he had a little crush on, it was all wrong, all he wanted to do was go home and curl up in a ball to cry, and cry and cry. Before lunch started, he got up rather quickly, Travis used the opportunity to trip him and he fell over, he scratched both his knees and it wanted to make him cry again, and it did, he just ran to the restrooms and locked himself in a stall, hugging his legs and silently crying again, what a shit day, he just wanted it to end already. The urge was suddenly unbearable, he needed to get himself off of that situation, he reached to his hoodie pockets and pulled out a little envelope that contained a stainless steel blade he hadn’t used in a while. He then pulled his sleeves up and angrily started making multiple deep cuts in every dimension, that made him sob and gasp, and when he was done, he was just a mess of blood and tears, he reached for the toilet paper and luckily for him, there was, so he quickly put it on the wounds and made some pressure until the blood was almost gone, he pulled the sleeves back down and sighed, he wasn’t relieved, but he wasn’t around Travis so he was good for a while. Then he remembered his next class was religion, fuck no, he was going to the principle to ask him to call his dad, he needed to go home, he couldn’t resist any more time with Travis let alone it being in religion class, fucking religion class, that was the last thing he wanted to happen to him. After he decided he was calling his dad to go home, he got off the toilet and opened up the stall door slowly as to not find any “unwanted guests”. Once he double-checked and triple-checked he was able to get out of there an run to the principal’s office, only to blink and open his eyes back up at a hospital room, surrounded by Larry, Ashley, Todd, Todd’s boyfriend (he didn’t remember his name) and his dad, all looking both worried and relieved. “oh my god, he’s awake!” Ashley almost yelled, rushing to hold his friends hand. “huh…? Wha- what am I doing here?” Sal asked, looking around, noticing his arms were uncovered, showing his fresh cuts and the catheter where the liquids where flowing. “uh, you passed out and Larry found you completely splattered on the ground, your hoodie was soaked in blood so he told us and we rushed you to the hospital. It seemed like you lost a lot of blood, Sally, what’s wrong?” Todd talked, looking concerned. “Salvatore, please tell me you’re not going to start cutting yourself again, I already signed a document to refuse your admission to the mental hospital, I know you don’t wanna go back there and I don’t want you to go either, that place only drugs you and prevents you from everything…” Henry spoke, worry and sadness gushing out of his mouth while he talked. Tears started falling down Sal’s eyes, he was mortified, and now he was in the fucking hospital, he was sure this was a nightmare, he needed to wake up, he needed to fucking- “SAL, WAKE UP!!” Larry said, worried and scared, it had been a day since Sal got out of the hospital and he stopped going to school for a while, Larry was taking care of him every day after school to make sure he was eating and cleaning himself, he was worried his best friend would kill himself if he spent too many time alone and he wasn’t risking losing another loved one. Never again. Sal jerked awake, all startled by his friend’s yelling. “what do you want Larry…” annoyed by his sudden awakening, Sal rolls over on the bed and starts falling back asleep. “I brought you some pancakes and chocolate milk… I know you like them…” Larry sighed out, he was sad to see his best friend like that, he hated it, he fucking hated whatever was going on with him to make him that depressed. Sal sat up and started eating bit by bit, the bandages on his arms were getting loose and a bit gooey, so after Sal finished eating, Larry carried him piggyback to the bathroom to clean him up.

That was only the beginning of the worst four years of his life, days of never ending bullying, depressive episodes, fights, detentions, panic attacks and breakdowns.

Last break of their last year of school was nearing in, that was the last day of school before break and they’d be back for a month and a half more of school and everything would be over. Sal was excited because he was going on a field trip with the squad, not knowing those plans were going to be completely crushed by goody two-shoes blonde fuck Travis, who had woke up that last day of school and chose complete violence. That day was living hell for Sal, he never stopped mocking him and calling him names, but Sal just pretended to ignore him, until… “Hey freak, you faceless faggot motherfucker, did your mommy do your hair for you? It looks shitty! Oh wait, no she didn’t. why, you ask? OH YEAH, BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD, SHE MUST BE CRINGING AND CRYING IN HER GRAVE BECAUSE SHE’S ASHAMED OF YOU, ABOMINATION, UNGODLY MONSTER” Travis was following him around, tugging at his hair and pushing his head around, until Sal snapped. He didn’t say anything, just a hit, square in the nose, a loud crack and a scream followed, Sal just kept hitting and hitting until Larry had to physically drag him away, he was frozen, scared, absolutely terrified of himself, of what he did. Luckily it was finally break time and he got to dip out of there, he locked himself at home and ravaged the tree on his backyard, then when he was tired of it, he decided to go back inside and look at himself in the mirror, he then found himself staring down to a pair of scissors on his nightstand. His breath became shaky and anxious, he didn’t want to do it, he made him do it, it was all his fault, all his fault, he fucking did it. “LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID, TRAVIS FUCKING PHELPS!” he cried out, yelling and shaking after he looked at himself back in the mirror, his pretty blue long locks were completely gone, leaving him with a mess of hair, he didn’t want it anymore, he didn’t want to look like a girl, he didn’t want to be bullied anymore, he didn’t deserve it. “I am a man, I was born a man, I will die a man, and if I am a man I will fucking behave like one. Did you fucking hear me, Phelps!? IM GONNA BE WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE, A FUCKING GUY, NOT THE UNGODLY FAGGOT YOU ALWAYS SAW ON ME!! ARE YOU HAPPY? ARE YOU GLAD?! FUCK YOU! YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS! ME! THE ONE WHO ALWAYS THOUGHT FONDLY OF YOU, THE ONE THAT THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST SCARED OF ME! The one who… the one… the one who fucking liked you…” Sally couldn’t speak anymore, he was shaking, sobbing and crying out loud on the bathroom floor, just to stare back up and find Larry and Ashley looking down at him, both crying, completely worried and scared of what they were looking at. Larry picked him up as he drifted away, passing out from all the crying. They let him sleep, he was sleeping soundly as the other two were slowly falling asleep by his sides. When he woke up he found them sleeping there, he woke them up too since he had an enormous headache and needed some assistance. “Lar… b-bring me some medicine please my head hurts like hell…” He went to grab onto his locks and all he found was a nest of tangled up short hair, he found himself scared but then remembered what happened before he went out and tears started gushing out of his eyes. “fuck, I really did it, I cut my fucking hair.” Sal unbelievably laughed, a melancholic laugh. Larry got up and Ash stayed there, hugging him softly. “don’t worry, blue, I’ll take you to a salon after you take your medicine and we’ll get that mess fixed, alright?” Ash held his hand, reassuringly squishing it softly. Sal nodded then looked up when he saw Larry pop out of the doorframe holding a pill and a glass of water which he gave him to drink. “So dude… after you get the haircut… do you wanna go get some food and maybe get high at the abandoned house down the hill? I know Ash is out of this because she has to babysit her brother but we can go if you want.” Larry asks rather shyly, trying not to give Sal any strong emotions. “I’ll take the food offer, but no weed for me today, this headache will get fucking worse if I even get near the stuff” Larry nodded, joining the hug

after Sal had swallowed the pill, closing his eyes at the pleasuring hug. After the pill kicked in and Sal was no longer in pain, the three young adults went to the hair salon to get Sal a haircut, then the other two sat back reading awfully boring magazines. Mid haircut, Sal asked the stylist to dye his hair black, he wanted to change himself completely, never look back at himself how he used to be. They finished washing his hair and he went to show his friends who looked completely dumbfounded by the new look, so dumbfounded Sal started to worry. “guys? What is it? Do-does it look bad? Do I change it or-“ he was cut off by a wave of NO’s from both of them, they were both in love with what they saw before them, they rushed to hug him and cradle him, Larry cried, because he loved him, he loved every single piece of his existence and now he looked so different, not happier, but completely different, he was proud of him, of his baby, not blue anymore.

The road trip never happened, but they stayed together at Sal’s house the whole break since Henry was away for a business trip that meant a lot of money coming to them afterwards. The three spent the break like a little family, they tried doing all sorts of things, like cooking, hiking, stargazing, burning all Sal’s “feminine” stuff as a symbolic sacrifice (even if Ashley wanted to keep the makeup and some stockings he had) and well, other kind of stuff between the three of them. The day they had go back to school went… not so badly. The squad had agreed not to talk to Sal a lot at school so people thought he was just absent or something, and it worked out until some person started to suspect. “hey, you, uh… Salvatore?” Travis approached the guy shyly, tapping his shoulder. “yeah?” Sal tried to lower his voice to confuse the oblivious blonde even more. “well I wanted to talk to you about something, in private, so… do you mind going with me to the school’s auditorium? I promise it’ll not take long.” Travis stepped a little further from him as to not scare him. “uh yeah sure, why not.” He nodded and followed behind, not too closely, while he texted his partners about it, he was shaking, scared and stressed about what might happen there. Porcelain doll: school auditorium, quick, heading there with Travis, apparently he wants to talk about something.

Ashey<3: oooo someone is getting confessed to!!!

Lar-Bear: be there in 3 minutes, dragging Ash with me if something happens.

Porcelain doll: nice, thanks babe.

Ashey<3: no worries boo ~

Lar-Bear: we love you, Torey.

Sal sighed in relief knowing his boyfriend and girlfriend were going to be around if something bad happened, so he ruffled his hair and jogged a bit, trying to keep up the pace. When they got there, Travis pushed the big doors to the entrance, the dim lighted room was scary enough with the theatre people in it, let alone it being completely empty, except for Ash and Larry who were hiding in the console room.

Travis cleared his throat, he was… nervous? Maybe Sal was imagining it, there’s no way that motherfucker was nervous.

“so… what did you wanna talk about?” Sal spit out rather venomously, stressed and annoyed by Travis’ presence.

“I promise it wouldn’t take long so it won’t. Salvatore Fisher, Sally Face, I wanted to tell you I’m absolutely sorry for what I did to you, all those years of suffering because of my fear of… of… uh… of…” Travis was struggling to take it out, he was disgusted by his own words though he knew he had to say it somehow. “of liking another man, of liking you, Sal… I was taking it all out on you and you didn’t deserve it, I’m working on myself, on becoming a better person for you, because I know how much damage I caused you on the outside, but on the inside, I know I left you a wound that is rotting and I will never know how deep it is.”

“Bro. You waited four years. Four fucking whole years to apologize for something you did to me every day nonstop, the words, the names, the hits, the hair pulling, all of that, and now you’re just telling me that you’re sorry? What do you expect? That I fall on your arms, begging you to hold me and forgiving you right away? Fuck no. Totally not. I will never forget what you did to me, and you know what? Fuck you. You’re the fucking faggot, you’re the one that deserves to get your shit rocked every single day of the rest of your fucking existence. You’re the sissy, little blondie piss baby, what’re you gonna do, huh? Cry out to daddy for him to save you? Only sissies cry, Travis, man the fuck up and piss your pants anywhere else but near me.” Sal gushed every word that came out of his mouth so naturally it was like he had rehearsed that speech a thousand times. He pushed him, making him trip over his feet and fall to the ground before he left, fuming, at the verge of tears, and before he closed the doors of the auditorium he yelled “FUCK YOU TRAVIS PHELPS, EVEN IF I STILL LOVED YOU, I WOULD NEVER TOUCH YOUR FILTHY FLESH IN MY MISERABLE LIFE, Y’KNOW!?” and with that said, he slammed the door behind him, actually hearing rushed footsteps from the other side. Todd and Larry were waiting for him outside but Sal ignored them, he was too busy wiping the tears off of his face as his legs gave in and let him sit on the floor, resting his back against a stack of lockers nearby. Travis barged out of the auditorium, tears desperately streaming down his face, yelling out for Sal. “SAL PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I LOVE YOU WITH MY LIFE AND IM SORRY I HURT YOU SO MUCH PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE I PROMISE I’LL BE BETTER!!” Travis was full on begging, he needed him so bad but Todd and Larry stopped him, Larry had hit him square in the face while on the floor Todd kicked him on the side, completely angered to see how poor Sally was crying too, with Ashley by his side hugging him and comforting him, they would never let Travis get near Sal, ever again. Since the principal actually knew Sal and Travis situation, he didn’t end up expelling anyone and didn’t give them detention, Travis, Todd and Larry were given a warning and Ash was congratulated because of how good of a job she did comforting Sally while he was having his panic attack. Finally they got to go home and do their homework and onto the next day.

Finally, the school year, graduation and prom had been completely over, and Ash, Sal and Larry were moving out of Nockfell to live together in the city since Larry had gotten a job and Sal was planning to start university with Ash, they were both planning on enrolling in art school even though Sal wasn’t too excited about it since he wasn’t as good at art as Larry and Ashley were, but they both always reminded him that he doesn’t need to be good, he needs to be passionate. That way he would finally get better.

The news of the moving got to Travis, so, as a goodbye present, he left a letter and some candy for Sal in his letterbox, promising him and himself that they would never cross each other ever again. Sal thought it was a cute gesture, maybe in another life they would’ve been together, but in this one, they just peacefully drifted away after all the suffering they felt throughout the years. He went in to smoke some weed, he took the letter with him and read it out loud, he cried a little while, and after that he just burned the letter and went back into the empty house. Ash greeted him with a soft kiss on the lips and smiled. “The moving crew called, they’ll be here in ten minutes. Lar is upstairs saying his last goodbyes to the house.” Ash kissed his forehead and let him go with a playful spank on his butt, making both of them giggle. When Sal went up he found Larry crying, he softly approached him and sat beside him, hugging him tightly.

“hi doll, sorry you get to see me like this, I got nostalgic and I was thinking of how glad my mom would be to know that I found a job, that I have a beautiful loving relationship and that I’m moving out with them, with the beautiful people I love.” Larry sobbed onto Sally’s chest and he howled as soon as the words left Larry’s mouth.

“I’m sure little old Lisa is really fucking proud of you, of me and of Ashey, like, we’re both successful young adults and we’re taking off, we’re living our lives just like Lisa, my dad and Ashley’s wanted, so never doubt it, they’re all pretty proud of you, bear.” Sally reassured him with a big smile, Larry kissed him softly then pulled out with a huge smile.

“good god Torey, I love you so fucking much.” They ended up cuddling on the beanbag they didn’t pack, it was big enough to fit three people there, so they were comfortable, kissing and cuddling there. They started getting heated up and kissing more aggressively. Rough kissing and hickeys, until Ashley interrupted them.

“I knew I was hearing my little porcelain doll moaning, why am I not invited again?” They all laughed and pulled her onto the beanbag, but then again there was another interruption, the doorbell rang, the moving crew was there, they started loading the stuff to the moving truck and the other stuff inside Larry’s truck, then took off, they were leaving, finally leaving that damn town, the memories, the suffering, off to a new life, a better life where they had love to give and receive, wealth and success, so they weren’t sad. Obviously they were nostalgic, but never sad.

They finally got to the new house, it was big and pretty, the furniture looked perfect and the bedroom was cozy and welcoming. They were so tired that day, they just slept through the whole night and the next half of the day.

There their life started, their new life, where the worries were different and the old problems were nowhere to be seen, and they were happy, they were completely free. Free, loved and happy, just how they deserved.

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eohachu · 4 years

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Post pictures of your first ever (fictional/celeb) crush to the latest one and tag five others to continue the game.

Ali tagged me, thanks. I guess 😘 @lanzhansmiles

A’ight so I’m simply taking this as an opportunity to show off my frankly impeccable taste 😌 *coughs into the crook of my elbow with my mask on and from a safe distance* More under the cut, godspeed!

I’m tagging uhh I really don’t want to expose anyone but uh. @morifinwes @ttaechwita @sunshine304 @treemaidengeek @flamingwell no pressure tho!!

Since 2006

Janina Fautz: Die Wilden Kerle, anyone?? Tbh i had a crush on quite a lot of the characters/actors but in hindsight Janina was and is the most influential one. Also probably my first ever girl crush (again, in hindsight bc it took me until 3 years ago to finally find out i’m queer lol)

Eva-Maria May: Yeah well I’m not gonna talk about where I know her from let’s say it was an incredibly bad soap opera my mom used to watch. She was one of the reasons why I went Yeah I Have Always Been Into Girls. I was pretty obsessed with her to the point where mini me secretly printed out a photo of her to look at lmaooo the signs have always been there and it’s truly amazing how I had been missing them for years

Amy Adams: Her as Amelia Earhart in Night at the Museum was also definitely a huge Thing to young me. Again, I had been completely oblivious about this crush for years

David Luiz: HAH! This is the point where we do NOT get into my football/soccer crushes bc this list would get WAYYY too long hahaha. I had to cut loads of people from my list for this post bc I develop a new celebrity crush every 5 minutes basically but yeah. David Luiz was definitely my biggest football/soccer crush out of..... everyone else

M*rvel

I don’t have a lot to say about any of them since I’m not into m*rvel anymore TFATWS makes me want to stick the tip of my toe back into m*rvel waters but otherwise NO THANKS

Sebastian Stan was, if my judgement of my archive is right, the longest highkey celebrity crush I’ve ever had. Mostly because I love Bucky a lot and he was so amazing in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I must’ve had a crush on him for as long as I had been in the m*rvel fandom

Recent Past

some celeb crushes from last year that were all more or less short-lived tbh

Ester Expósito: As it often goes I didn’t find her spectacular in the beginning but as Élite went on I started to develop a huge crush on her. I still find her pretty hot but I’m not invested in Élite so yeah..... I have no object permanence

Mina El Hammani: Got to know her through Élite, too. She’s so incredibly beautiful. Had a hard time choosing a photo of her bc I’d stare at every single one for ages. Wow.

Danger Days!Gerard Way: Hah! The ones of you who’ve been following me for longer might remember my posts about wanting to dye my hair neon red. Well, him’s the reason and also clinical depression. Ended up with natural red/ginger bc my hair is too thin for bleaching lel. ANYWAY

Maxence Danet Fauvel: Pretty short-lived crush from my Skam days

Ramy Moharam Fouad: So Ramy has a brother, Tamino-Amir Moharam Fouad, who makes INCREDIBLE music. Ramy made some of his music videos (directed them? not sure), that’s how he came to my attention. Idk man he’s just so incredibly beautiful.... gives me a hint of genvy, too......

Janelle Monáe: Became a fan when Make Me Feel came out, listened to the entire album for days and eventually inevitably crushed on her

Lera Abova: Saw her in ANИА and fell in love. I screamed to my friends for weeks about how she was the most beautiful human being I’d ever seen etc etc. Eventually my crush went away mostly, but I still think she’s stunning

Keiynan Lonsdale: Keiynan said FUCK gender and I said 😍😍😍 and that’s all you need to know.

Current

*deep breath* alright let’s gooo

Bright (Wachirawit Chivaaree): Crushed on him for as long as I watched 2gether/Still 2gether lmao. I still like him a lot and sometimes lose my mind over him but I’m not exceptionally Thirsty™

Tul (Pakorn Thanasrivanitchai) and Max (Nattapol Diloknawarit): If you search either of them on tumblr you will have to scroll for a long, long time to find seperate photos of them. However, I’m not patient enough so here we are. Re: Tul, actually I want to copy/paste what Ali said bc DAMN a man who is confident about his masculinity and sexuality really is kinda hot. Same goes for Max tbh. Also Max’ lips look so soft I [redacted]

Lukas von Horbatschewsky: Also known as Lukas Alexander. He did an amazing job in Druck and he’s just a person I admire in general. As one of the few out trans actors in Germany, he had a main role as a trans boy in Druck and also co-wrote Druck’s seasons 5 and 6. He’s just a huge role model to me and, apart from that, Big Crush Material (h i s e y e s)

Li Wei: Someone suggested him as Hua Cheng for the TGCF live action and my life hasn’t been the same since. While I’m open for whoever will get that role in the end, I could look at his face for hours and not get bored. Major Genvy, too.

Li BoWen and Liu HaiKuan: I will have to deal with these two in one paragraph bc LanLan bc they have the exact same effect on me which is. that they’re not 100% my type but I WILL go absolutely feral about them at regular intervals, if you know what I mean

Song JiYang: ohh honey. oh honey.......... hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I have a natural affinity for aquarius ppl and this one lives in my heart rent free. I’d even make him soup if he’d ask.

Wang YiBo: WELL HOLY SHIT. listen. LISTEN! the hype around him is 100% justified imo he really is That Bitch and I love him so so much for it. Fucking ICON

Honorary Mentions: Gender Envy

Here’s to the People I Thought I Had A Crush On But Not Quite until I learned the word Gender Envy:

Zhu YiLong: Man, this is the person who’s mainly responsible for me finding out AT ALL about not being entirely cis. The POWER he holds!!! His performance as Ye Zun in Guardian was like a breakthrough point for me which. certain people witnessed in real time hahaha oh I love this fandom!!

Zhu ZanJin: HIM. AAAH!! He’s literally so beautiful and whenever I see him I just go ZANZAN!! in my head and in the tags bc. well. hIM.

Xiao Zhan With Long Hair: Look, Xiao Zhan is always amazing but BLESS the person who made these manips. I can finally rest.

Wang YiBo: uhh what’s he doing here again?? Tbh YiBo is one of the few, if not the only person that gives me Major Gender Envy that I would also [redacted] if they asked. Do I want to be him or be with him? The answer is Yes.

I skipped the fictional characters bc I tend not to crush on them 👉👈 Instead I will just directly crush on the actors/actresses lol!

Thank you for bearing with me. As a prize, you can choose between a ladder supported forehead kiss, or a bowl of homemade soup. ❤

#[brother this took so fucking long]#[it was fun to reminisce but please never ask me to do this again ❤]#[sorry if anything doesn't make sense. i'm very tired my sleep schedule is fucked up and i have a major headache ❤]#[thanks ali for the tag it was really really fun!]#[also i think it's kinda sexy of me not to be ashamed of any of these. does therapy work? maybe so]#about #tag game #ali tag #r.txt

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welcome-to-my-castle · 3 years

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A Letter To My Mom

TWs: Transphobia, homophobia, biphobia, ableism, TERF-like talking points, mention of abuse caused by being trans, all of these coming from a parent, toxic mom

If there's something else I need to tag, please let me know!

Dear Mom,

Hi. I'm Flynn. I know that's not what you know me as. There are a lot of things I know about myself that you don't. I hope this letter never finds you. I hope there are things you never learn.

Things like my gender. I'm genderfluid. I know you thought I was cis, because that's what I claimed. I did that because I heard what you said about other trans people. That mentally ill ones were just troubled cis people. That Rowling was right. That your friend's "daughter" identified as a boy. That there were the ones you could respect, but...

I've heard you loud and clear.

You're wrong. Every word you said was dripping in transphobia, but you didn't think they should be abused, so surely you're an ally!

You're not. I see through the version of yourself you show the world. Funny how that mask slips when we're alone, isn't it? Funny that sense there are no "transgenders" at home, you feel perfectly comfortable calling the ones in your life mentally ill or illegitimate.

Hi, Mom. I'm Flynn. I'm genderfluid and mainly use a couple of sets of neopronouns. My life feels easier when I'm alone, because you and people like you make it difficult to live publicly as myself.

I'm finding other people to fill the roles I needed you to fill. A supportive queer friend group to accept my sexuality. An online space to accept my gender. A collection of characters to form attachments to, parents who would never describe hate crimes to their vulnerable, confused child who chose to trust them with a personal detail. A supportive brother and his girlfriend to have important, meaningful, judgment-free conversations with.

So thank you. Thanks for reminding me that even outside of the right wing, people will hate things about me and disrespect my existence no matter what I do. That you for making me scared to come out as bi to people I was sure would be supportive because of how long you insisted you'd be supportive, only to respond to my coming out with biphobic and homophobic statements. Thanks for responding to my vulnerability with cruelty. Now I know not to trust you. Thanks for making it clear to me throughout my learning about myself that you wouldn't really support me or stand by me.

I believe that people can change, and I hope that you do. You need to want to change first, though, and you currently don't seem to want to. I hope you can listen to me one day. I don't owe it to you to stick around and see that day. But I do hope you're able to change, for your own sake.

Sincerely,

Your queer and genderfluid child, Flynn

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potatopossums · 3 years

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Insecurity and Boundaries: A Necessary Coexistence

Content Warning:

This post includes discussions / mentions of:

bodily insecurities, explicitly including dysmorphia, dysphoria, and implicitly including but not limited to eating disorders, weight

childhood trauma including shame, humiliation, fear

coping mechanisms, both healthy and unhealthy, including anxious avoidance, projection, masking, reflection

mentioned references to all of the above through lenses of morality, cis white feminism and sexualized body positivity

adhd

—

Author's Note:

Written through the lens of adhd, anxiety, depression, queerness, transness, nonbinaryness, aromanticism, alterous attraction, and as always, questioning.

—

Ngl I've had the opportunity to date/"be with" (in whatever capacity) several quite attractive ppl, and the last couple have been great examples of something that actually kind of triggers me / turns me off.

I didn't really know what to make of it then, and I felt bad about it then too because I thought I was just being judgy. Not saying some of that isn't potentially still there, but i think i understand better now.

It honestly kind of scares me when I have the opportunity to have close relationships with people with bodily dysphoria/dysmorphia or strong insecurities. My brain has a really bad habit of being reflective when I'm feeling vulnerable. I just match people. It's a way of masking while relating to people. It's a defense mechanism. But it feels quite real in the moment and i often don't realize it's happening until it has already happened.

But as a nonbinary person who gets misgendered a lot at work, I've spent a lot of time now very acutely aware of my own body (as if i wasn't already). I don't tend to hate my body in a vacuum. I actually enjoy my body. I like how it looks in certain clothes; I like how I can trick the eye and make it look another way with other clothes, and then surprise, it's a different body underneath! I like how my body feels when i masturbate, i like how my body feels in the warm sun, i like how my body feels when i self-soothe. Even when I'm in pain, in some of those moment, i like that my body exists because I know something is happening inside me, something systematic and programmed, something beyond me that does it's evolutionary purpose, no matter how flawed. I've always had a curiosity about bodies in general (gender and sex completely aside). So when i say i love my body, i mean that.

Does it mean i don't struggle with dysphoria? Of course i struggle. And it makes me feel like shit.

Sure, I've got that Cis White Feminist Self-Loathing Intervention Voice in my head that says "all bodies are beautiful" (and she really means all women are beautiful but I'll co-opt her lines to fit my agenda). That voice is problematic because like. I like being beautiful, but why do I want to be beautiful, and what happens when I'm not beautiful? How do I guage whether I'm beautiful at any given moment? Isn't that largely subjective even with an overarching cultural & social standard? When I feel "ugly" — my cowlicks sticking up, teeth unbrushed, i feel too short, i feel i look too childish, I'm afraid my boobs are showing in a way i don't want to be seen, etc. — who's to say that someone else doesn't find some of those things attractive? So attractiveness is a poor method of confidence, despite how influential it still is on my brain and personality. That influence is fear based.

All that in mind, when I hear other people struggling with their bodies, especially in a Trans/Non-Binary/Dysphoric way, it really scares me. I mean, any bodily struggles scare me because I have my own insecurities to deal with. And when I'm in that state of really wanting to keep a connection because abandonment trauma + adhd, my vulnerable brain says that in order to impress someone, I must reflect relatably. So that has me digging back into my bodily insecurities. And I explore them as if I should be feeling them.

Let me unpack that. I'm avoidant with my anxieties. I don't talk about them, and I don't think about them much if I can help it, because when I think about them, that result can be largely painful, dramatic, and too emotionally volatile for me to handle. I always want to look put together, I want to feel secure enough to not need to ask for help, because those few times it went badly when I asked for help still stick with me (regardless of how long ago those moments were, and regardless of how many good times I've had where received actual help since). I remember the embarrassment and humiliation, the shame, the fear, the guilt. I remember wanting to make myself smaller, and how crushing that felt to do. I remember how little I understood of these wild and complex emotions, and all I knew was that I felt violated and disgusting. And I turned that inward. Because I had no external support.

So me saying that I explore my anxieties "as if I should be feeling them" is multi-pronged. It's Cis White Feminist Body Positivity, it's all those family members who modeled and normalized self-hatred for me from a young age, it's bodily dysphoria/dysmorphia at being misgendered, it's me trying to convince myself that my body truly is okay and that my negative inner voice doesn't know what it's talking about due to it's poor influences, and it's me ultimately not being able to reconcile all that on my own (or fast enough, thanks adhd) and resorting to anxious avoidance of my insecurities as if that solves them.

And then, when I hear someone I might kind of want to be intimate with start to talk about their insecurities, my brain panics. It says, "If you go in there, you will lose it. You will fall into the same hole they're in. You will have to suffer just as much for them, and for yourself. You will lose all your energy and you will start to hate yourself. They will treat your body the way they treat their body. You will be made to hate yourself."

And even though I know plenty of people with dysphoria/dysmorphia and other bodily struggles absolutely won't do those sorts of things, I also know that projection is a thing. And considering how poor I am at boundaries and how I tend to adopt unhealthy relationship dynamics due to my avoidance, I know that it would just start a bad cycle for me. Even with all the empathy and understanding in the world, I simply cannot root myself in a situation that would cause me to loathe myself.

And again, in case this wasn't clear: this is absolutely not a statement about people with bodily confidence issues as a whole. I am not trying to villainize or demonize or moralize their experiences. That is markedly the opposite of what I intend here.

But it took a long time for me to get to this point in my self-awareness. And i wanted to share it because i want other people to be able to reach an understanding of themselves too, whatever that understanding might entail. Yeah, it's a little cliche, but our projections and fears about others can have a lot to do with our fears about ourselves. It's important to be self-aware, even if that doesn't immediately solve the problem(s).

I tend to really like confident people because of this. That attraction has it's own roots in confidence issues, and its own potential flaws. And until I can change my own avoidant anxiety, I'm going to find new ways to project my avoidance and shame onto others, regardless of whether they are confident or unconfident, dysphoric or not.

But, just because I'm projecting doesn't mean that I'm unworthy of boundaries. Even if my behaviors are unhealthy, even if I do need to work to change those things (and even though I actively want to change those things), it is still healthy for me to know my limits. It's healthy to know what triggers me. It's good for me to realize these things and step back, even if the relationship I'm leaving/not starting is arguably "good." (And that assumption is a whole other topic for another post.)

So, along with whatever other epiphanies you might have received from this read, here's my major takeaway that I want to leave you with:

Your boundaries are okay. Even if they're based in anxiety, even if they're based in unhealthy coping mechanisms, even if you want to change your unhealthy behaviors/mindset. Your boundaries do not need to pass any social justice or morality tests in order to be valid. Your boundaries do not have to "make you grow." Your boundaries are not bad, even if you feel like they keep you from being the best version of yourself.

The only way you can actually grow is if you respect yourself enough to respect and enforce your boundaries. The only way you can feel comfortable and happy and healthy is if you respect your boundaries.

So please do that for yourself. Please respect your boundaries. I know it's very hard, especially for people-pleasers. I know it's hard for you avoidant types. I know it's hard for those of us who mask and reflect.

But please, just a little bit at a time, respect yourself. Even if that means disappointing or hurting others with a "no."

And please, please, please surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and stand up for you. Of all the work I've tried to do alone, nothing compares to the effectiveness and growth I've experienced when I've been around radically affirming people — people who fought for my right to say no; people who defended my boundaries no matter what they entailed; people who stood up for my pronouns at work; people who validated my life experiences, labels, queerness, and questioning. It can be difficult to find people like that in real life, but please stay in the company of people who do that for you. Even if they're online. Stay near people who model self-respect for you. They will help you practice how to treat yourself.

—

#tw body insecurity #tw dysphoria #tw dysmorphia #tw eating disorder #adhd #masking #reflecting as a coping mechanism #trauma #relationships #alterous attraction #questioning aromantic #nonbinary #agender #queer

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nostalgic-pancakes · 3 years

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one day (i know that you will be there)

Summary: Here, have some fluffy transbur :D

Pairings: gen everyone, with a specific focus on crimeboys

Read on AO3

Word count: 2070

Warnings: None? I guess? Tell me if there are any, but I don’t see them

Other notes: Part of @noorahqar‘s BANGER discord server Pride Event!

Please DO NOT send this to the CC’s or even imply that this exists because No, Thank you

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Sometimes, it feels like it's okay. Nothing's wrong at all and in fact, Wilbur is happy.

Other times it feels like he's stuck in his own skin, a place he can't get out of.

Wilbur doesn't really know what's going on with his gender. He's always been cis, it's all he knows we it's his comfort zone. Even while his life was being wholly upended by YouTube, and Twitch and life in general, Wilbur's gender was always a constant- the one thing he never worried about or spent too much time on. It was his gender, and it was just kind of...there.

Sometimes when gender is part of the conversation, people display confusion when Wilbur talks about his gender like something separate from him that was tied on and is just there now, like a bit of hair that can never stay in place, but isn't necessarily a bother, either. But isn't gender like that for everyone?

Well, according to the one and only Tommyinnit, no.

"Well… for me, my gender is pretty malleable. It's more of a fucking... fucking abstract concept than a feeling? I'm a little detached from mine, but not as much as that, Wilbs."

"Then what is your gender like?" Wilbur asks. It's late on a Friday night, and Wilbur had ended up visiting Tommy's flat out of mostly impulse, living just under a kilometre away from his sibling these days. They're in the living room, splayed out on the floor talking about anything and everything in the dark, too quiet to wake Tubbo and Ranboo.

Wilbur’s not agender- he has a gender that he keeps around, even if it stays reasonably sectioned away from the rest of him.

Tommy hums, an older tune that Wilbur can't place as he fiddles around with some wool scraps ("Cabbages!" Tommy insists indignantly) leftover from the cardigan they had just finished when Wilbur walked in. It's a burgundy colour that's probably going to be matched with one of Tommy's longer cream skirts to University Monday morning.

"My gender is a… a kind of vibe? I guess? To me it feels like skirts doing that cool swoosh thing in the wind around you while you walk or eating Tubbo's chicken soup and that feeling I always got after a Dream SMP stream. It's weird, but that's my gender I guess." And that is weird. It's weird as fuck, but Tommy's gender sounds really fucking cool so Wilbur tries anyways. Tries to imagine what his gender, the amorphous entity that it is, feels like to him.

It's hard, at first, but then Wilbur starts humming. He's always done better with auditory concepts than visual or tactile ones, strumming tunes together that tie in with his latest hyperfixation.

So Wilbur hums. He starts with 'White Wine in a Wetherspoons' and then 'Cause for Concern' with a little bit of 'Your new Boyfriend' thrown in for posterity as it all starts to come together. Tommy starts tapping his finger on the plywood floor, creating a small beat.

His gender feels nice, actually, and not just the neutral burden that the universe has him carry around. It begins to feel like the warmth in Wilbur's chest when someone says "Hey, don't stop. Tell me more, this is interesting" to even the most niche fixations that Wilbur has ever had, like the different types of bricks or the historical fashion one he had at the same time as Tommy and they made dozens of Pinterest boards together (1830’s hairstyles his beloved). It feels like Phil calling him 'Son' in that chamomile accent, like everything will be fine. It feels like the tipsy laughs he and Niki share when getting drunk together and it sounds like the quick, comforting 'bzzt bzzt bzzt' of Tommy's sewing machine running on the other side of the flat while Wilbur makes them breakfast because they and his flatmates are fundamentally incapable of looking after themselves.

It's really a pretty nice gender, actually. So when Wilbur closes its metaphorical pouch and clips it back onto his metaphorical backpack, he feels lighter, warmer inside than before. Is this how Tommy feels sometimes?

The tapping stops and Wilbur realises that Tommy's fallen asleep, surrounded by scraps of cabbage on a fairly cold plywood floor. This will not do. Thankfully, Wilbur has gained enough arm strength to reasonably carry the nineteen-year-old to his bedroom, carefully avoiding sewing pins that Tommy will clean up frantically in the morning. Tubbo and Ranboo are asleep as before, in the same place, huddled together on the lowest bunk covered in blankets, with just enough room for another person.

Tommy fits in perfectly, head on Ranboo's shoulder and the rest of him swathed in blankets to protect from the cold. It's started to show fairly heavily outside so going home is not possible. Therefore, Wilbur stays.

The guest room still has some of his shit from the last time he stayed over, around a week ago. Piling a thick-ish duvet on top of himself, Wilbur sleeps, more at peace than he's ever been.

Monday morning, Wilbur tries out pronouns. He was spending the weekend in a bit of a haze of filming and social interaction and talking to Elodie, his editor, in order to have most of this week free.

He's back at home with pronoun dressing rooms loaded on Firefox, a Geoguessur stream finished and a free day with spoons to spare. It is time.

First- she/her.

This is Wilbur, the site reads, She's 27 years old with a penchant for making songs. She also really likes hanging out with her sibling, Tommy and her best friends on the Dream SMP. She still ships DNF.

Oh. Oh wow. She/Her works pretty well actually. Wilbur likes that for herself.

Next- they/them. This is not as nice, but it's also not bad, necessarily.

Fae/Faer- this one is pleasant enough.

Everything else is okay, Wilbur supposes. She figures that just knowing that he/him isn't the only answer is good enough for herself.

The first person she tells is Tommy, on a phone call during one of his frees.

“Okay, so he, she and fae, right?” they ask, rolling the pronouns around like the colorful hard candies sold in packets of two hundred each, muttering small sentences, barely audible to the phone mic amongst the dozens of student voices around him, pitter-pattering like sleet on cars heard from a cozy living room.

“Yeah. pronouns change by the day. Please don’t interchange them.” Wilbur confirms, short and soft.

“Oh that’s really fucking cool. What are they today? Does anyone else know? Do you have names you want to be called instead?” Tommy asks, orange-sweet in his kind concern and slowed down questions as to not deflate the souffle in Wilbur’s brain.

“Uh, she/her, and no, not yet on the knowing and the name thing. I’m going to tell Phil and Niki, then Dream, probably. Wish me luck.” Wilbur answers, the ‘wish me luck’ thrown in more as a formality than anything, but she’s still nervous, thoughts spinning in popcorn-crunch circles, pop pop pop about how it could go wrong and even if Tommy and Ranboo were accepted, perhaps that courtesy won’t be extended to her. Tommy, the absolute fucking legend as always seems to have figured that much out.

“Wil. Wilbur. Wilby. Big Dubs- It’s going to be fucking fine, you’re popcorn-popping again and while that’s one of your idiosyncrasies and I fucking love those, you are also freaking the fuck out. Everything will be fine, alright?”

“Idiosyncrasies? Where did you learn that? Is ‘The Tommyinnit’ learning new big words?” Wilbur teases, to mask her affection just a little bit, even as it seeps out of her voice like honey in a sopapilla, warm and sticky and sweet.

“Don’t fucking patronize me.” Tommy retorts, instinctive as it’s been for the past few years now, no bite behind their words. “I’ve got South Asian Lit now- call us in the evening?” he asks, because Tommy, Tubbo and Ranboo are a single unit in the evening. Do not attempt separation till after midnight. Wilbur laughs, a small thing only audible to her sibling over the phone.

“Course. You can tell them yourself, if you want.”

“Okay. Now I need to walk like, three buildings or some shit, so I’m hanging the fuck up. See you later?” Tommy’s voice is softer towards the end, cotton candy and Wilbur melts, just a little bit.

“Okay, bye Tommy.”

“Bye Wil. Good luck.” Tommy hangs up a few seconds later, the last thing on the line that Wilbur can hear being Ranboo’s steadily louder voice as end catches up to Tommy, and Wilbur keeps the phone to her ear for a few seconds more, before putting it on charge and loading up Discord, to find Phil and Dream on VC 3 together, Tubbo and Purpled occupying the beloved VC 2.

Wilbur joins the call, taking in a deep breath and letting it out, and taking a sip of lukewarm tea. Earl Grey, probably taken from the tea box Phil gifted her on Christmas and prepares herself.

“Ay, H’lo, son.”

“Hey, Wilbur!” Dream’s voice, chirpy and crisp as a freshly-picked apple registers first, just before Phil’s comforting chamomile and Wilbur is at ease very quickly, because it’s Dream and Phil. It is literally impossible for things to go wrong.

“Hi! I just came on here to tell you something.” Wilbur starts. After hearing noises of agreement, like popping candy, Wilbur starts.

“Um, so on Friday, Tommy and I did some soul-searching. Well, I did most of the searching. And uh, I figured out that I’m technically genderfluid, but my gender is a series of abstracts and I use he, she and fae pronouns.” It’s quiet for a second, before Phil responds.

“Hey, that’s pogchamp, mate. What pronouns are you using right now? Are they interchangeable?” Dream makes a noise in agreement, in questioning.

“Thanks, and uh, she/her, and no. not interchangeable. I use certain pronouns until I don’t.”

“Oh, that’s cool! Should I update your pronoun role in the Discord to ‘ask for pronouns’?” Dream finally says, and in typical Dream fashion, it’s by getting straight to business. It’s ridiculously endearing, even five years on, knowing everyone’s little quirks and idiosyncrasies (thanks Tommy for reminding her that the word exists) that it’s still possible to be endeared by them, and that they’re all still endeared to her.

“Yes please, Dream. Thank you. I’ll make a small announcement on the server myself, but thanks.”

“No problem, Wilbur! We’re glad you’re happy.”

“What the green-bitch said, mate.” Phil responds, and Dream turns on his camera for that only, just to show that he isn’t actually wearing green- he’s wearing a blue T-shirt, blonde hair mussed about enough to show that he did not comb it when he woke up. His face still has some sleep leftovers, but he’s awake enough to pay attention, and he’s smiling at Wilbur, mouse clicking very fast to change her discord role, and it shows up a few seconds later with a purple dot. ‘ask for my pronouns’. Wilbur is smiling like an idiot, and she turns on her camera, Phil following suit as she starts laughing a little wetly and all of this sinks in.

Wilbur is gender-fluid. She loves herself, her family and the little pouch still strapped to her backpack. Phil is whispering things into the mic soothingly and Dream is grinning at her, and it just feels so good. The bad feeling in Wilbur’s skin just isn’t here today, and it feels like it won’t be around for a while yet.

With slightly blurry eyes trying to see through her glasses, Wilbur makes an announcement with the @everyone turned on.

Bitchbur (she/her today): @everyone I’m here to announce that I’m genderfluid! You can either ask me my pronouns or I’ll just change my nick. The name’s still Wilbur. That’s about it.

Replies start coming in, nothing but messages of support and thumbs-up emoticons, and Wilber closes her eyes, leaning back in her chair, laughing a bit more. She’s so happy that she managed to accept herself, and find acceptance in everyone else on this server. She probably won’t come out to the internet for a while, or even to some of her real-life friends but that’s okay.

She’s got everything she needs right here.

#dream smp #mcyt #wilbur soot #tommyinnit #writers on tumblr #vee's writing #2021 #do not repost

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transmisto · 4 years

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There are ways Taiwan is accepting and ways it is less accepting. Trans people are much less known here, so that can be hard. I would say that the biggest issues come from families with more traditionalist beliefs being unaccepting. That being said, families usually will not kick a child out, they’ll usually just push them to get married, have kids, and act like a cis straight person. As an immigrant who does not have Taiwanese parents, I can only speak to what I’ve heard from friends as this issue doesn’t really affect me. However, something really interesting I’ve heard is that grandmothers and elderly women tend to be more accepting of queer people than parents.

Another frustration I’ve heard from friends is that people often say that being non binary is a western concept and Taiwan doesn’t have this. I don’t really meet new people, let alone talk about my gender with them, so I haven’t experienced this. But I can understand how someone who’s used to having a big, trans and non-binary community around them might feel lonely here. Although we have been building a community and even published a book about non-binary people in Taiwan, it’s still small compared to other places. I’ve heard there are quite a few binary trans people, especially trans women, here.

A good point is there is far less threat of physical violence here. We can walk alone, looking very queer, at night in most places without feeling very afraid.

In terms of physical transition, there are a lot less barriers, at least in my experience as a trans masculine person. I thought I’d have to go to Thailand or something to get surgery at first, but it was actually really simple getting it here! I had to pay out of pocket, but from what I’ve heard paying out of pocket here costs about as much as it does in the US if you have insurance. I was able to get a consultation a few days after I contacted the clinic, and my consultantation was completely free. I didn’t pay anything until I actually booked my surgery. I heard so many horror stories of insane waiting periods and requirements to be on hormones or to have letters from a therapist from people in the US, but I didn’t need any of that! I had to book three months in advance, but only because I had surgery during lunar new year break. Otherwise I could have booked just one month in advance! My recovery was remarkably smooth and I was back at aerial dance six weeks after surgery. Every time I here someone from the us talk about recovery being super hard it just doesn’t march my experience at all. Maybe I’m lucky, or maybe they just have better technique here.

Legally, trans and non-binary people are left out of a lot. A friend of mine went to a political conference a while back and got to ask a question about the requirements for legal gender marker changes. The official did not know what trans people were. That’s not to say progress isn’t being made, we do have a government minister (idk what the correct term is), Audrey Tang, who is a trans woman and created a lot of the apps that helped people find pharmacies where they could buy masks when the pandemic started.

I love it hear personally, but it def isn’t perfect. The imperfections are things I can live with, and having such easy access to surgery has been life changing for me

#@s-oftx #not cats #top surgery #trans stuff #taiwan

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theharellan · 4 years

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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: stolen from @dansiere tagging: @ghiassan, @deathsreflection, @altuspavus, @windrunnerrs (velanna), @hopewrought, @willbeshot, @seahaloed (iron bull), @asterfed (noctis), @ anyone who wants to steal it! also multis feel free to choose a different character

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated (i’m open to roleplaying with non-dragon age characters, and have AUs for other fandoms)

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. solas is both wildly popular and wildly hated. he’s been more consistently popular than the controversial women in the series, like sera or vivienne, who have only recently begun to get to the point where their tags are less vitriolic (although i’m sure it’s still out there), but there’s still a sizable hatedom that can’t have his name breathed in their vicinity w/o them talking abt how much they hate him. even if you’re currently cosplaying him!

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. again, you have ppl who are super into him and ppl who think he’s ugly. my personal opinion is that i think he’s weirdly pretty, and wish ppl would commit more to his unconventional features rather than try to chisel him into sb more traditionally attractive and that ppl who don’t find him attractive would maybe chill w/ calling him ugly. find him unattractive by all means, but lets embrace the fact that inquisition let their love interests have skin flaws etc and accept that some won’t be our cups of tea.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. its hard to deny at this point tbh.

Are they underrated? YES / NO / IDK. frustrating as the hate in the tags he has enough fans that i couldnt say he’s underrated w/ a straight face.

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO. he’s the reason the game starts with a bang and not the inevitable dissolution of the conclave b/c the sides are disparate.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. regardless of solas’ relationship with the inquisitor, there are parallels and contrasts in their stories and he also is the reason they survive inquisition.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. fen’harel is well-known and revered, if feared, among the dalish, yet at the same time he’s not remembered for a lot besides locking the gods away-- and the context of that decision has also been lost. as solas he’s relatively unknown until inquisition and especially trespasser.

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. again, polarising!! he has loyal agents and people are willing to speak well of him despite everything, including his enemies sometimes (depending mostly on the inquisitor).

How strictly do you follow canon? — generally i try to have a canon basis for my interpretation, even if i interpret the text differently than the author.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — solas is an immortal who is simultaneously jaded and very much invested in the small moments of life. far from being weary of the day-to-day lives of ordinary people, it is systems and orders he is most tired of. he walks an interesting line that feels far less misanthropic than other immortal characters i’ve experienced, yet still he’s quite cynical. as a character who has fought against religious based tyranny before, but in a completely different era, he is in a unique position where what he sees around him is both horrifyingly familiar and yet completely new. it allows an exploration of the wrongs of thedas’ society from an outsider’s perspective. his motivations are complex and multifaceted, often condemnable and yet also understandable. his character arc in inquisition (if befriended, or regardless in the case of my solas) takes him from a dispassionate, disconnected antagonist to someone deeply invested in the people of thedas, deeply conflicted and actively hoping he will be proven wrong again. i think his story is a testament to human (or elven, or dwarven, or-) connection and how even when we resist we can’t resist creating bonds with the people in our lives. i personally see this bond going beyond the inquisitor hence why i play low-approval solas as conflicted as high-approval, if not when it comes to the inquisitor.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — solas is selfish and motivated solely by revenge, he’s clinging to a past that clearly no longer exists, if you ignore all the people from it who are still alive. he’s totally unaware of all his flaws and never owns up to any mistakes ever. no, i haven’t listened to a single word solas has said in my life why do you ask. he’s also critical of my faves which means he’s #cancelled, there is clearly no validity to what he’s saying. ksjdf no but in all seriousness i think a lot of reasons ppl don’t find solas interesting are just... weird readings of his character that sometimes have no basis in the text of inquisition, but also there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to not find him interesting. usually those ppl don’t like... talk abt how much they don’t find him interesting constantly tho. they just chill and aren’t invested in this particular villain. for one thing i think the game missed out on opportunities for exploring how someone who may not have even had a body at the beginning of his existence would feel about gender and sexuality, so making him presumably straight and cis was a boring choice. i also think that the dragon age games being very protagonist-centric hurts solas’ character, there’s no real reason why the inquisitor is the only one who can throw his plans into question but making the player the center of the universe means he’s not allowed to change due to the effects of other companions or NPCs. thank god this is rp and i do what i want.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — i have a history degree so when the inquisition companions were being teased, solas describing bias in primary sources from the memories he’s seen got me interested in him. but my first playthrough i didn’t actually take him with me all too often, i think my main party was dorian-blackwall-varric. i liked him, and i think he or dorian were my first friends in skyhold, but my initial interest was in other characters. between his dialogue that appealed to the historian in me tho and how his spirit opinions sort of turned everything i’d felt about spirits in the last two games on its head, i started vibing with him more the farther i went in. like merrill set me up for the “spirits are people” thing and solas hit it out of the park. then temple of mythal happened, and i did bring solas with me there. i found his dialogue fascinating and also suspicious, i’d just finished masked empire like the day before da:i came out so i definitely thought solas was an ancient elf in the same vein as felassan. it was after temple of mythal that i actually decided to make his blog, although like as one idk linchpin to cement my status as solas trash... i was hit BAD by the banter bug on my first playthrough, probably got like a dozen banters total. but then at some point late in the game i took solas to the forbidden oasis and he wouldn’t stop talking to people, and i really loved his banter with the rest of my party at the time.

What keeps your inspiration going? — replaying inquisition, new DA content when the bioware gods deign to grant us a lifeline, but the biggest thing is my rp partners. i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the people i write with, new and old. my activity of late hasn’t been the best, work and the summer heat has really been sapping me of energy, and does even during years when we aren’t going through a pandemic. but it’s the thought of my rp partners and love of solas that keeps me coming back.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? i have my doubts sometimes, but i think i do ok.

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO / SORT OF? there is no headcanon too small for me.

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO. but not lately * gestures to the low activity * i’ve been in this cycle where i get anxious abt late replies, so prioritise them, then burn myself out and can’t write the fics i want. i’ve had two i’ve been DYING to write tho i just... need to find the space in my brain to let myself.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO. i mean it depends on the day. if i work closing shifts at my store it gets very quiet and boring around 8:30 so i spent the next 90 minutes thinking about character stuff.

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF?

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO / SOMETIMES.

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO / SORTA.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — i’m going to say ‘no’ because like, i don’t ask for criticism. this is a hobby based on my interpretation of a character, if you think i write solas too soft then you’re welcome to think that, but i’m happy with the balance i’ve struck with his internal versus external behaviour and how he changes based upon who he’s speaking to. if you think i’m erasing straight people by making solas pan then ksjdfs. ok.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — yes!!! even if they retread ground already trodden, a) my interpretation may have adjusted since the last time i played or b) a reminder is nice. if it’s new stuff then it’s fun to think about.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — it’d depend on why they disagree. if they just disagree on a subjective opinion about what i took from a certain line, then they’re welcome to their opinion but i don’t necessarily care to hear it. if it is unintentionally hurtful then i would like to know. although rather than a comment i’d rather a non-anonymous message.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — same as the above.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — if they’re vocal about it i typically just unfollow / softblock if i was following in the first place. people can feel how they want about solas, but i’ve found over the years that if people really hate solas ooc it can often bleed into their ic interactions. it’s really weird seeing your character being brought up repeatedly in threads with others specifically to dunk on, for no reason other than i guess solas is living rent free in their heads, so at least we have that in common. but anyway unfollowing is just the best choice to avoid getting kinda pressed if i’m having a bad day.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — roleplay is the wild west of writing, so i think it’d depend on what the error was. coming at me like “you shouldn’t start a sentence with a preposition” would get a laugh, but i don’t edit my replies much if at all and mistakes will 100% happen. pointing out typos is chill so long as you do it politely.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — it depends! i’ve learned that being too easy going actually just means i’m subjecting myself to negative emotions to please people. so i’ve gotten less easy going as the years go by. how does one define “easy going” anyway? does asking that question mean i am objectively not easy going? the longer this thought goes on the more the answer seems to be “probably not,” but i like to think it could be a lot worse.

#( long post )#( ooc )#( about me )

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brooklynfm · 4 years

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{ aisha dee. twenty-six. cis woman. she / her} Did you see BROOKLYN MCCARTHY left their door cracked open again. You think they’d learn after living in 3A for TWO YEARS. Last time they did this you could hear LIABILITY by LORDE blasting in the hallway. If you passed by you might have even caught a glimpse of them DOODLING IN THEIR FAVORITE SKETCHBOOK. The rest of the floor says they can be CLUMSY and MAGNANIMOUS . Seeing them in the halls always reminds me of THE BRIGHT SOUND OF JOYOUS LAUGHTER, STRAWBERRY SCENTED PERFUMES FILLING EVERY ROOM SHE WALKS INTO, and LATE NIGHT TEXTS LEFT ON READ. { raq / she/her / cst }

okay hello!! you’ll probably catch me on discord but you’re welcome to dm here too. quick introduction i’m raq and this intro is... a bit messy. i’m ironing out brooklyn a little more so if she’s totally different in a week -- pretend she isn’t lmao. i love love love to plot with you guys and get writing asap ( i miss writing SO much). sorry if this intro is a bit long like i said, still working out the kinks. alright, hit me up!

full name: brooklyn layla mccarthy

gender: cis woman

pronouns: she / her

nicknames: lyn or/and brooks

age: twenty - six

date of birth: march 18th

sign: Pisces

place of birth: new york, new york ( the bronx )

sexuality: bisexual

biography / ( tw; divorce mentions, I think that’s it ! )*

Lydia Sheffield often describes the day she learned she was pregnant was the “final bullet” to an already dying relationship with her parents. At the ripe age of 16, Lydia had to confess to her ultra religious parents that she was pregnant with 17 year old Myles McCarthy’s child. The middle class and conservative Sheffield family were absolutely furious. Her father, Jeremiah Sheffield and his wife, Esther Sheffield were so indignant that their own daughter would go against their purity beliefs they kicked her out. Naturally, it was the McCarthy family who took Lydia Sheffield into their own home. Lydia and Myles were madly in love, despite both of their parents' critiques of them being so young. The couple decided to simply get their GED’s and work on saving up for a place of their own. and, lucky for them, the McCarthy’s already owned a second house just a few blocks away. gotta love having the convenient landlords for parents They rented it out to Myles and Lydia as an easy way to stay close to their future grandchild.

Myles McCarthy always talks about how bitter cold it was the day his only daughter was born. a long, painful, thirteen hour labor led to the birth of their pride and joy.

There was nothing under the sun that Brooklyn didn’t try. A childhood filled with chasing the whim and wonder of a forever curious child. At age five she would’ve already tried and hated ballet. By six, it was piano. Seven, soccer. Yearly, changing hobbies and interests and never truly getting very good at any of them ( she’d never stick to them long enough ). Up until she was around eight when she dove into her grandmother’s old painting set, easel and all left behind in their old shed. It was like love at first brush, painting was the first outlet that Brooklyn had and never strayed away from. Suddenly, her days were filled with the billions of colors and canvases of scribbles resembling her mother’s favorite flower or the neighbor’s dog she loved so dearly. Growing up only a child to a hardworking, young waitress and a mechanic, Brooklyn spent a good amount of time in quiet solitude and vying for her parents' costly attention with her latest works of art. Time is money thus their hectic work schedules didn’t exactly allot tons of bonding time with their daughter. A lonesome childhood that only led such a glowing extrovert to really shine in school. Though her reasonable likability doesn’t exactly lead to popularity. Brook was hardly popular and didn’t really have a stable friend group most of the time. Not for lack of trying, however. She was a clear social chameleon who tried to get along with anyone. Not quite fitting in but not really belonging either. A real people pleaser -- which almost always lends to teenhood of bad circumstances in a multitude of friendships and relationships.

And her teen years only got progressively more complicated. Remember how her parents were so “in love”? Well, the lack of time for their daughter bred a lack of time for each other as well. Big surprise, her mother was a serial cheater. Her late night jobs at the diner were actually trips she’d take to go see some guy named Peter. Of course, having gone to the diner just to surprise his wife only to see she wasn’t even there, Myles always suspected she was cheating on him. Lydia got a bit reckless and brought the man home one day while Myles was out of town. Brooklyn walked in on them and their marriage was history. After this, her relationship with her mother weakened as her father grew even more distant -- willfully burying himself in his work rather than properly coping with his emotions despite gaining full custody of his daughter. The burned marriage and constant worry for money a big distraction in being heavily involved in her life. .

Going away for college and making it on her own was meant to be her way out of her small town. Getting into NYU with her portfolio studying studio art, things were looking quite bright for Brooklyn even despite her fragile relationship with the only family she has back home. Though, she’d soon discover her talents aren’t getting her nearly as far as she hoped. So now, with a healthy bit of debt and a decent job at an art museum -- the life of a lost and very lonesome late twenty-something is in full swing. She spends a good chunk of her free time out at bars or painting in her room, wondering if this is really all her life will come to be.

personality / ( musing tag here ! ) *

Her independence is huge to her, likes being able to care for herself and others without help. A real motivated go-getter type ( though as of the last few years, she is struggling to remain optimistic ). Brooklyn is booksmart. But, still has plenty of maturing to do. Can be perceived as naïve in that regard due to her people pleasing and will to do... essentially anything to be liked.

Just a sweet soul deep down and very loyal. Subsequently, tends to be the first to forgive anyone no matter how much they might’ve slighted her. Horrid at taking criticism ( she’s very sensitive) definitely the type to sugar coat the truth to save someone’s feelings.

Impulsive to a fault, probably has a billion stories of the crazy she has gotten herself into. Clumsy meaning she tends to just stumble into and fumble through situations for better and ( the more likely option ) for worse. While loyal to a fault often, she’ll change her mind quickly loose interest in frivolous relationships. Not very smooth with letting people down or saying no either.

To sum up, I feel like she gives off really great positive vibes. Just cozy caring warm that is somewhat a mask to hide her constant indecisive impulsivities and craving for belonging. ( that got... emo -- ksdfjasd )

wanted connection / ( click here for some more ideas ! ) *

tbh i’m down for whatever you guys might need for your muses but off the top of my head...

would love to see a best friend or two ! the first few people she grew close to during her time at floor3

college friends

work friends ( not just at the museum, could’ve met while she was in college at part-time job )

exes turned really good friends

really anything!

#intro.

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heeres-suffering · 4 years

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Be More Alluring: a Personality Swap AU

[pic description and source will be at the bottom of this post, under the read more]

Start of summary:

“You need to be more alluring.”

"... don’t you mean attractive?”

“I do not. Your attractiveness is adequate, Brooke; if you want to mask your apparently latent queerness, you have to make them want you straight. Isn’t that why your step-father defended you?”

Brooke Lohst is a loser.

But you know what? That was okay.

She always knew she was a weird one. The intensity of her affection for puppies, picture books, and near-constant daydreaming has lasted well-past a normalcy she can’t seem to grasp; when coupled with her inability to befriend anyone (besides the similarly self-identified loser Michael Mell), it’s not a surprise the rest of her peers have left her behind.

However, there were... ah, worse things in her life to worry about then some mild bullying. She liked her passion well enough, and all of her true insecurities went largely unnoticed, so any insults or weird looks rarely lingered in her mind. It’s not like she was a constant target either, which helped a lot. All in all, she just planned to hunker down, wait out the awkwardness of High School like everyone else, and move on to the rest of her life...

Except.

When Brooke develops a crush on a girl she’s never talked to, after years of avoiding fairy tale romance and trying not to think about the inevitability of marriage (or how finicky her attraction to boys is in the first place), it feels like her whole world is about to cave in. She’d do anything to make sure her parents, especially daddy, never find out... including buying an edible super computer from the loudest, tiniest guy in school.

End of summary.

Alright!

Hi, hello, it’s Mod Seb, and here’s an AU I’ve been rolling around for a few days! You are free to do with this concept whatever you want, but I wanted to introduce it with a good chunk of the info I’ve already worked out in my head.

So. As the CWs are... too numerous, I’m going to go with a blanket “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat” label and encourage you not to read the rest of this if you have any big darkfic triggers that could be upset by mere mention; this isn’t a fic tho, so descriptions of anything awful won’t last long.

Although, I will mention upfront that Brooke isn’t a binary lesbian. I know the description might read like I’m setting her up to be 100% homosexual; she’s bi with a strong preference for girls, and anyone who presents soft enough in gender or appearance. If it wasn’t for the end-game pairings, her unfamiliarity with smaller details/history of the LGBTQ+ community, and general “gay newb” status, she’d likely ID as a bi lesbian!

(ships and everything else under the Read More)

Okay. That out of the way, there’s quite a number of pairings; I’m pretty sure it’s a super polyamorous and sexual AU, though you’re free to change this list as much as you’d like:

[bolded are end-game ships. italics physically hook up at least once. strike-through means they were in a relationship but break-up in some way before the ending. (H) stands for healthy, while (T) is toxic and/or noncon. underlined characters are pining for the other and may never confess their true feelings]

Brooke/Christine (H), Brooke/Rich (H), Brooke/Jenna (H), Brooke/Michael (H), Brooke/Chloe (T), Brooke/her Daddy (T), Brooke/Squip (H), Brooke/Jeremy (soft T at first bc of mirrored canon-compliant manipulation, H later on), Brooke/Squip/Jeremy (H), Brooke/Squip/Jeremy/Rich (H), Rich/Moses (H), [insert every form of Rich/Mo/Squip/Jeremy here] (H), Jeremy/Chloe (T), Jeremy/Michael (H), Michael/Christine (H), Michael/Christine/Mr. Heere (H; no, seriously), Madeline/Brooke (H)

This is, of course, a role swap AU where Brooke and Jeremy trade places based on my personal lore for their home lives. I always have some pretty fucked ideas as I don’t imagine MB is a great place with great adults, and I pick and choose which parts of canons I use and which I don’t.

There is no definite ending planned in mind as this isn’t an outline; it’s meta (or an imagine or w/e) for an AU that you’re free to do whatever with.

So,

The big difference is that Brooke was picked by Michael, while Jeremy was picked by Chloe. Jeremy is trans and hadn’t come out yet; if Chloe had known he was a boy, she wouldn’t have grabbed him. In contrast, Michael’s never gave a shit about potential friends genders.

Jer and B’s personalities... are altered some. Not ALL the way, but kiiinda fusing into their roles, kinda tweaked (I'll get back to that).

The main point of this for me was Brooke/Squip/Jeremy, with B/Jer having a MUCH stronger focus than in canon, and a really bad Chloe acting as one of the major villains.

Michael gets roped into Chloe’s shit, even tho he's still generally a good guy here, bc he's worried about B and thinks she can't properly take care of herself.

While B DOES have a strong crush on Christine, she’s the opposite of the Squip’s “goal”; that’s (obvs) masking, or making passably digestible, her queerness.

Her Mom and step-’Daddy’ have reacted to her friendship w/ ‘openly gay moms, also very flamboyant and GNC’ Michael... poorly.

Michael thinks the solution has to be “act as aggressively yourself as you can, and if they reject you, you know me and the mom’s have a space for you”. This works for him bc he’s permanently hyper-visible, what with all of his own marginalized identities. But, not only has she flied under the radar in comparison to him for years, he doesn’t know everything about her life.

In fact, he doesn’t know most of it. She’s very good at hiding things.

Meanwhile, Jeremy, one of the more popular ‘boy... ish’ (we’ll get to this, too) people in school, is mid-psychosis and self-destruction. He actually has schizo-affective disorder--as is the case with all of my versions of Jeremy--which he needs medication for. Combined that with so many bad influences and trauma, he can no longer fully control himself or his life.

The way he handles this (badly) is to ‘whore around’--which, besides being Chloe’s pet, is kinda why he’s so popular. Nobody respects him, but he’s viewed some form of favorably.

Jeremy is in a relationship with Rich, but he won't let him get as close/protective as Rich wants; Mo and Rich were doing their own man-whoring (but healthy, just droppin’ panties and making dudes and chicks swoon--yeah, Rich is out as bisexual, this is a very ‘the Squips are a good thing’ AU) to gain their standard reputation, but in the course of that, they got together with Jeremy and it became... complicated. Both of them are very "nnn" about how bad his life is for Jer.

The way that their personalities are altered is... okay. To explain this, I have to talk about my characterization of canon-Brooke and Jeremy in relation to this, starting with Brooke:

I imagine B as just a liiittle below the line of "all the way there" for sorta-similar reasons to Jeremy here: trauma, and Chloe (which is why that’s what Jeremy gets in this, it’s just WAY worse when compounded by everything else). She’s also--like me, and like almost every character I write as a result--autistic, in a near-permanent state of “not enough accommodations” and over-stimulation. This leads to a lot of dissociation and a very wandering mind, as well as being perceived as a bimbo or dumb blonde or w/e misogynistic bullshit is projected onto her by the boys she dates (she’s also much more down the middle bi outside this AU).

So, going back to how she is for this AU: she's actually not super nerdy, despite the close connection she and Michael have. Honestly, it’s their general neurodivergent weirdness that bring them together, and so she’s mostly adopted her nerdy interests through him, whether directly a thing he likes, or finding a whimsical variant that fits her tastes.

Obviously, unlike Jeremy, she doesn’t mind being called a loser. She does any insinuation she might be queer. This including anyone who calls her gay or a dyke.

She has too much Cis Male Trauma (unlike canon, where it comes from both cis angles) to really entertain the idea of a Traditionally Male Partner. This means she skews HEAVILY towards hard GNC guys at the very least, and generally finds herself most interested in the idea of enbies and women. she's also not super into butches tho, bc her trauma mixing with her sexuality has latched on to Strong Masc People Are A Threat.

An expansion on her interests, in canon and otherwise: animals, ASMR/sensual service work (including massages and stuff), spending hours just sorta sitting by herself and letting her imagination wander, fairy tales, and YA-and-under fantasy books.

(Here, she tries to avoid het or f/f romance... except that, this past year or two, she’s started really like m/m stuff--esp after getting REALLY into drag shows, which she could enjoy safely since girls like Chloe have gotten into them too; in canon, she’s a romance fanatic)

Now... this is one of the really darkfic element; she's fucking her step-dad.

She does this so that he doesn't walk out on her, her mom, and her little sister*. Her mom has a good-enough job as a standard office woman, but he makes enough to pay the rent on their nice townhouse and all the bills she can’t. So, after he expressed interest in Brooke and then casually mentioned he could always just leave if she wasn’t comfortable, she reluctantly entered a relationship with him

(* = her sister is currently know as her brother; he’s like 12 or 13, and started showing signs of trans/queerness which have been Heavily Discouraged. Brooke worries about him a lot)

((I didn’t use she/her pronouns bc I’m not entirely sure he would change them? This is an OC Oli created at the beginning of our interest in BMC, and we haven’t worked on him at all since, so how his characterization will be is up in the air))

Canonically, Brooke's "in love" with her daddy, which is a self-imposed delusion; if she actually addressed it, she’d says she’s well aware that’s not true, but it's so much easier to pretend when you’re cornered like that. Brooke’s life blows.

She’s a lot more honest to herself about hating him here; still, she tries to be as polite and generally-friendly as she can, doing what he says whenever he wants.

OKAY, THAT’S BROOKE. If any of that is badly described or potentially-offensive, it’s just bc I glossed over SO MUCH DETAIL, even in that amount of it!

So. Jeremy.

I don’t have to go over him much and we’re all mostly aware of how I feel about him and also I don’t have the energy to do this again--

(just... read my fics The Devil at your Door or hello yesterday or something... eyyy actually do that, my ao3 username is Sedusa, blah blah blah ANYWAY)

--but basically: He's still very nerdy, like, he’s super into film as well as video games (which is another constant for me), but after being largely ignored in elementary, he's been trailing behind Chloe at her orders since they were in 6th grade. As a result he isn't very open about... any of his interests.

In 7th grade, he came out as trans to everyone. Chloe was furious, but at the same time, intrigued; this was around the time Chloe gets her own... ah shit I gotta go into that too--

--yet another hc of mine is that Chloe gets a Squip on accident around this time at a party (there was one in a “”candy bowl””), and from there, she claws her way up the ladder. I... will not go into that much, but her Squip was crippled by the drugs and alcohol in her system, and therefore largely at her mercy. She’s used his power to manipulate certain things about herself and to sharpen her focus on popularity to the point she’s full-blown Alpha Bitch.

Man, I’ve had to go on so many tangents, I apologize.

Anyway, she drags Jeremy around as a punching bag. She constantly mocks Jeremy's transness, even though she usually calls him by his correct name and pronouns.

This has made the rest of the school follow her lead, hence why I said “boy-ish”; he’s popular, he’s technically ‘well liked’, but nobody really takes him seriously. This is compounded by Chloe’s refusal to let him dress in 'dorky' casual clothes, and, as he’s both too poor to afford designer clothes and also generally hates popular guy fashion, he has to wear the hyper femme clothing Chloe specifically tells him too/

As such, people call him a boy but largely see him as either an idiot, a slut, an attention seeker, or all of the above.

So of course, in Brooke's place, his neurodivergence is more prominent than ever; every day he slips further into this psychosis and self-infantilization haze, as his his mom leaving, his dad severely depressed, Chloe's sexual violence, and other repressed trauma (see: my fic hello yesterday on ao3) all weighing on him. This makes him INCREDIBLY regressed, like, all the time by Junior year.

And then Brooke's Squip (IE: canon Squip) falls in love with Jeremy extremely fucking hard. He pushes her to date him as a way to compromise on her queer desires, since Jeremy is technically a boy, and certainly a few other straight-ish girls have hooked up with him in the past.

WHEW. That is a fucking lot. To wrap this up, lemme go over the interpersonal relationships not already mentioned, and what directions I think it takes.

First off, Madeline has a more prominent role, as I quite like her tbh; she’s a sex worker, she has her own Squip, she’s one of Chloe’s most hated enemies, and she gravitates towards both Brooke and Jeremy. She’s also Actually French, Chloe’s just weird.

(Anyway she prolly sees through Brooke’s straight act and asks her why she’s pretending to be a good little cishet. It rattles Brooke.)

Chloe is scum. This bears repeating. She DEFINITELY rapes Brooke at the Halloween party, and becomes obsessed with her, along with already being obsessed with Jeremy and Jake.

Jake, by the way, has a lot of regressive behavior and impulsiveness bc he’s been in an abusive relationship off and on with Chloe for years now.

Speaking of Jake, moving on to his best bro: Rich doesn’t set himself on fire. He’s having a good time with his Squip.

But.

He IS set on fire at the Halloween party.

Instead of the Smartphone Hour being about Rich's instability, it's actually about the mystery of Someone Did It To Him But No One Saw Who It Was, They Were Disguised.

The answer relates to the fact that Rich and Brooke are ALSO hooking up, after she’s already with Jeremy, bc he Properly introduces her to him and the three of them hit it off really well.

(She initially wasn’t interested, but while Rich is loud and still kinda abrasive, his Squip doesn’t drive him to act like a bully--and in private, his nerdiness is really obvious and he’s extremely gentle with her and Jeremy. Add to that that he’s bi and trans*, when Brooke connects best w/ queer men over cishet one, and it off-sets his masc-ness enough to make him an Exception.

* = I always imagine him as trans. See: all of Vanceypants fics.)

Sooo... the culprit is actually Brooke's daddy, who sees her with this obvious heartthrob and Cannot let that be.

Chloe convinces Michael that the Squips are Very Very Bad and has him team up with her to force Brooke into drinking Red, with the intention to convince him to kill himself after to get him out of the way, bc she’s really going nuts at this point.

Eventually, he snaps out of it when he and Christine get together (he’s thought he was Full Homo all of his life, but Christine’s prolly genderqueer-ness makes him realize “oh shit, I’m bisexual”) and she starts to question why he’s acting the way he is towards Christine.

He also definitely has a crush on Jeremy and during his time with Chloe he kinda tried to flirt a little but couldn’t really... he’s not up for dating someone as sexually active and a push-over as Jeremy is in this.

However, when he snaps out of Chloe’s manipulation, he and Christine approach Mr. Heere to convince him to straighten up and help Jeremy and also bc they really need an adult to successfully fight Chloe.

This requires a month+ of Christine getting him to see her psychiatrist (the one who prescribes her ADHD meds). Jeremy spends the majority of his time staying with Chloe, and very rarely comes home to gather things or to make sure his dad is eating/still alive, as much as he can remember to in his own haze of mental illness. Anyway, point is, he doesn’t know Christine and Michael are there often... not that, in the course of growing close to Mr. H, they both fall for him hard and it becomes one of my stranger OT3s.

(God, Jeremy goes through a lot of shit in this, tho.)

Pre-Squip, Jenna was kinda-sorta Brooke’s friend--or, well, friendly. However, she’s actually full blown “oh my God she’s wonderful” in love with Brooke.

Brooke isn't aware of that, esp since Jenna tries her not to be around her a lot. She's also trying to hide her own queerness, bc she’s a trans woman and she knows Chloe finding that out would be extremely dangerous.

Eventually, Chloe succeeds in making Brooke take the Red months after canon usually ends, w/o Michael’s help. If you’re curious, Red doesn’t affect her normal Squip bc she’s had him too long and a lot of his receptors and stuff are damaged, so it’s the second one she gets in canon that turns off.

This plan backfires, however, as Brooke’s Squip comes back with a physical body w/ help from Rich and also-bodied-now Moses.

With a body, and shenanigans, Mo and Squip take out Brooke’s daddy too. His life insurance more than makes up for the loss of his income, as it’s a sizable amount. Now that Brooke feels more empowered and strong, she overrides her mother’s neglectfulness and takes control of the household w/ her boyfriends*, comes out as queer, helps her sister transition, and begin to heal from all of this trauma.

(* = Rich and Mo move in, as does Jeremy eventually, after graduation; Jeremy gets a psychiatrist and a therapist and prolly has to go through some intense outpatient care and possibly a stay in the hospital, before finally making major breakthroughs and looking like himself again. The five of them are now happy and in love.)

Chloe, after her arm gets twisted by the Squip’s protective presence so thoroughly, gives up on Jeremy and Brooke to focus on Jake. This too gets abandoned when Rich and Mo help him cut her off, and so she stays in her own popularity bubble, bitter, until graduating and going to a community college in a different state.

All in all, things work out well in the end, but getting there is a long, difficult process. This AU fascinates me immensely and feels like a great way to examine some of my really dark headcanons about MB, as I think it’s a town similar to Derry in Stephen King’s IT--as in, just chronically The Worst Place Ever, with this, like, miasma of low-key despair around it. People adjust and don’t question it, which is why so much of BMC is this flippant dark humor in the face of some highly questionable shit.

I’m so sorry this post is so long (I’ll be uploading it to AU under my usual Sedusa account, as metas like this are more than allowed), but I really adore these characters and the way they can be twisted around, so I had a lot to say!

Thank you for reading <3

-mod Seb

image description: virtual-like stairs pointed forward and bathed in neon yellow and blue to represent Brook and Jeremy, which I’ve modified from the original blue-only design.

source: x (link description: a free Wallpaper Flare image that I found off Google Image’s “filtered by ‘labeled and reuse with modification” feature)

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incarnateirony · 5 years

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as an emerging lgbtq+ (i'm 'BT') guy i am so glad you're making the point you made in your last post. I've always gravitated towards Dean because he is so 'imperfect' in his queerness, like me. but he's not a uwu soft queer so apparently that bothers a lot of ppl on here? Especially younger queer women, I've noticed. But a lot of guys, cis and trans, struggle with being attracted to men so much in a way that is simply different (not better or worse) than (1/2)

being wlw, especially depending on one’s generation and region, etc. basically what i’m saying is a lot of the few queer men that there are in the fandom stay quieter as it is almost completely queer women dictating what is and what isnt, and not quite empathizing with the unique struggle many queer men have with internalized homophobia/being Unmanly for being attracted to men. hope this wasn’t too all over the place, ive had this on my mind for a Long time and i’m glad you brought it up. (2/2)

ps: I’m not trying to put down queer women for being a significant part of the fandom. I just really wish the environment of the fandom felt more like somewhere queer men’s voices can be heard better, considering the largest pairing is, needless to say, mlm

Well, first of all, welcome Nonnie. I take it you’re addressing this untitled post addressing intersectionality, representation vs tokenization, represented demographics and just general motivations of those in discussion, yes? (x)

You’ll find this is a longstanding topic of my blog, be it excavating creator commentary people have buried for their own motivations and talked down and around, or dual faceted issues.

(If you haven’t read the crosslinks on the post you’re addressing, you may want to read The Problem With Dreamhunter (x) It discusses exactly this issue, even if it was written over a year ago at that point, showing just how cyclic this issue is. It talks about MLM/WLW intersectional issues, migrating goalposts, a bunch of show stuff and some of Bobo’s sociopolitical commentary from 2003 about advancing LGBT representation through moderate incremental methods being proven effective at expanding the media presence/platform exponentially above liberal, or more severe/extreme styles)

But when it comes down to it, basically: Yeah, you right.

I didn’t just arbitrarily develop this opinion. I didn’t… just magically tune in to what the LGBT men that literally dodge fandom, for exactly the reasons you say, and know it’s because of the reasons you say – like that didn’t manifest. It came from leaving fandom (un)”safe” spaces. It came from engaging a great variety of LGBT males in real life, many of which engage the content. From observing how they spoke of the content in multifandom servers, or even *why* they chose to avoid speaking up.

And no, I personally didn’t get a read of you, like, insulting LGBT women for their part in fandom. Women engage social media for primetime TV fandoms at an exponential rate above men, so it’s almost unavoidable and it’s nobody’s fault really, but that says nothing for the perpetual habit of drowning out their voices to the fact that– well, they literally abandon engaging.

I’ve seen it enough times it *hurts* me. I shouldn’t *have* to pull my gay writing buddy out of holes to face this, and him still hide silently. I shouldn’t *have* to be the vein of news and information on the show to the bi male friend I have that refuses to touch this fandom. I shouldn’t *have* to even speak up about this. I really do want *you all* to speak up about this, because I can only speak so far, because you’re right: OUR JOURNEYS ARE DIFFERENT.

Hell, even a cis lgbt male vs a trans lgb(t obvious) male have entirely different journeys even though they’re both validly men. These battles are not the same. One community can speak up to defend another, and help hold them up and amplify them if there’s just not enough of them to project the way they need to, and this is something *greatly under respected* in this fandom. Nobody’s holding up the LGBT male voices when actually talking about representation. And you’re right, it’s mostly women, and you’re right, our path is different and our struggles and needs and wants and lives are different. But unless you take a considerable amount of time talking and sharing and learning personally the perspective of the LGBT male community, you’re not… really… helping them speak.

And let it be said, “holding up LGBT male voices” does not and should never equate to “despite having multiple LGBT men saying one thing, I found the one LGBT male saying the thing that matches what I want, who may or may not even actually be in the targeted demographic set of the character we’re discussing representation about, because it’s more than just being bi, it’s entire lives, paths and challenges– but you know, I found the ONE, so fuck the others.” That’s using your friends as tokens and cards. If you want to genuinely add to the conversation, what you do is you introduce your male LGBT friend to the other male LGBT friends and let them have a long conversation to talk out the sources of their disagreements before engaging in conversation.

But drawing a pretty base line collective from all people in the represented demographic, respectfully learning the majority wants and needs and struggles, and helping voice those is pretty key.

Women can sit here all day, and pass around things they’ve been told by other women are woke points, or things that sound progressive and good, and often sort of decontextualized from their purpose (be that the dresswear mentioned shortly hereafter, or what LGBT want/expect/SHOULD want or expect – but in the end, if you’re not sitting down and having dialogues – not just with one, or two, or even three LGBT men – but large handfuls and subsets, able to actually critically examine the differences in LGBT males of gen X, Y, or Z and their lives and stories – if you’re not doing that… If *that* isn’t the core of your discussion values, rather than pass-along buzz vibes– then you’re really not talking representation. You think you are. But you’re not.

There’s the uh. Thing. You noticed. About how women expect the men to engage.

When it comes to young queer women, I’m going to risk pissing some people off, but the long and short of it is (I could probably dig up the link but it’s been an eternity) a while ago they ran a psychological study to figure out why young women were attracted to yaoi, and gay porn, especially what is essentially stereotypical force-role type gay porn. It has to do with blooming attraction, primal fear, and trying to make the men more appealing in a way that does not intimidate them.

This later manifests into feminizing them, setting twink/bear roles that go beyond into top/bottom, and conflating it with penetration, position, power, dom/sub, fork/spoon, sometimes served with a dose of internalized misogyny being projected into the vessel of whatever twink/sub is positioned, and generally— like, kink culture. Often this is passed with narrowly progressive-masked arguments of “Men should be allowed to be feminine if they want!” rather than a genuine answer to, “Why do you perpetually heterosexually resize, or reframe, and enforce heterosexual structure onto characters that do not meet this mold, and why is that a personal gain to you?” because in the end– it’s a personal gain. And again, at that point it’s not about representation.

Now again, I’m not… shaming anyone for having a kink. But kink/fetish needs/wants have blurred themselves in as if to hedge on equal territory to discussing canon content. Or sprinkling the quite literal fetishized art (power to you if that’s your thing, I guess, even if I do bear discomfort over fetishization of any LGBT demographic, even by another LGBT demographic) and reasoning with dialogue that implies it as being representative, and inserting that into the representation discussion, which *literally* just makes the entire bog muddier, makes the LGBT men trying to speak more easily dismissed in a vat of “just women/fetishists”, it just– it’s Not a Good. I’m… personally not a fan of it. Like at all. A lot of it makes me angry tbh. So I don’t engage. I don’t browse fanfiction. I look at very little art.

Hell most of the people around here don’t even realize it’s actually a *minority* of LGBT men that choose to engage in penetrative sex, but it’s become a topic of outright obsession around here. There is so much simple… lack of awareness and discussion of the lives LGBT men lead, even by LGBT women because again – we don’t have your path. We can only listen to you. (And BOY have I gotten earfuls from my LGBT male friends absolutely going apeshit banana bonkers over fandom’s obsession with penetration culture, gender role enforcement while feigning it as liberation, and all kinds of other stuff. And that’s what I base most of my talking points on.)

Because if I’m going to talk representation, I’m going to talk about representing the demographic the character is supposed to represent, not molding him into a tokenized wash-over of every single person’s wants. If you’re an LGBT woman that can resonate with Dean Winchester, that’s great. Sometimes representation can be shared. But a character’s origin determines what demo he represents and not all of any given representative’s character’s attributes, methods, functions, anything – not all of it is going to meet any one person’s goals collectively, but the target demographic is inevitably closer to it.

Another point to raise is that it feels like people have lost track of *what* the representation battle is about. It isn’t just about any one person attaching to any one character. It’s about developing a TVscape that looks more representative of the real world, with a fair presence of PoC, of women, of LGBT people of all types, of the disabled community, of people that are even more than one of these, of people with different stories: people. About, well, normalizing it, because it should be normal. About saturating television enough that one day, and that day will not just be tomorrow per convenience, that people won’t be desperate for representation even vaguely in their wheelhouse, that they can turn on and see people of any intersectional type and go– wow, the world finally realizes we’re real. And that in that wide, realistic menu, yes, being able to turn a channel and eventually see someone *just like you*. A day when any show turned on has at least *someone* in your wheelhouse because every show eventually should have some sort of realistic spread, but if you find the *right* show, *there you are.*

That’s how it’s built. We don’t start by footstomping and tokenizing everyone to be vaguely representative of everyone or it doesn’t count because it didn’t work for *them*. We start by sharing truly diverse narratives, each unique to their own, just as diverse as straight stories are, maybe even more. That’s the only way you’re actually going to end up with a TVscape full of The Gays, and full enough to find *explicitly yourself* in there.

Deleting normalized, non-sensationalist text for lacking either visibility or flavor, even if you weren’t the intended demographic for it to speak to, is quite literally contrary to the entire fight.

and tbh?

This shit is why I hate shipping culture.

And I say that as someone who presumably “ships” Dean and Cas, if it’s shipping to address canon bullshit happening in front of you and just watch the show as it folds out without going into denial for *whatever* personal reason.

There’s a lot of well intended people, most shipping fandom is full of good beans, but as a collective group – skewed by sociopathically manipulated dialogues we can literally track the origins of – have been driven into much of the above while genuinely believing they were doing the right thing, in a long chain of being told this was what and how to fight for, without really stopping and critically examining the nuance of the conversation. Because why would you? Seems to be the popular gay thing to do – while a lot of bisexual people currently hide their commentary via reblog hashtags or hedge awkwardly into an anon box sideways.

That all said, it continues to be my focus. It will never change on this blog. I will never surrender to being pressured, be it by antis or bitters or people just wanting to argue, into pretending things that were text are subtext. I will not move that goalpost. You are real, and you are valid, and you are welcome in my inbox any time, Nonnie, confidentiality guaranteed. Like, DM too.

but lmao like shit, dawg. There’s a reason the LGBT guys I’ve had as writing partners as Dean literally refuse to play with another Cas. That’s not just because I’m a *super aweSOME auTHOr*, it’s because they recognize I do not come from the wing lost to fanfiction, to troll wars, or even to shipping culture, love of a ship be damned. I don’t try to force gender roles on them. I listen when they speak, and often, surprise many with the angle I ever enter discussion or listening from to begin with, because of spending so many years listening to begin with. It’s an intrinsic understanding of why they resonate with the content, not what I can pull some transformative art stuff on or wanting to *make* it into anything else to fit *my* molds. It’s because of being someone engaged to the male perspective, without the need to twist or change a character to be content with it, and being WILLING to hold those challenging conversations.

Listen first. Talk later. But never in front of or over the people you claim to be talking for.

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cruezins · 5 years

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☣ ; ( KIM TAEHYUNG , 24 , HE/HIM ) coming up next on rebel radio is OPAUL by FREDDIE DREDD . this tune goes out to SIWON RYU . rumor has it they just rolled into town and are fightin’ for the GHOULS . they’re AFFABLE , INQUISITIVE but also AIMLESS , MERCURIAL so watch your backs out there . we wish them the best of luck here in our golded city of light . stay vigilant , stay dirty rock ‘n rollers and we’ll catch you for the next one .

𝐎𝐎𝐂 : hello ! i’m deni and i don’t know what editing is . i use she/her pronouns and live in the gmt+9 timezone . i’m terrible with ooc chats and half the time just want to vibe a connection or plot idea , so please don’t hesitate to throw a half-formed thought at me because i swear i’ll do the same . my discord is gay fairy#6371 . anyway , here is siwon , someone i’ve been work-shopping for a while ! looking forward to writing with you ♡

☣ ; 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐁𝐘𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐇 .

cw : drug mentions ; stop me if you’ve heard this one before------

his dad’s a junkie and he hasn’t seen his mom since some fatcats bought their restaurant for a steal a few years before , but that’s the way of life for a lot of people in the underground . young , bored , and desperate to hear and smell anything that wasn’t the rottenness of his own childhood home , siwon found himself on the streets more nights than not , spray paint in one hand , painting nights in greens and purples until reds and blues chased him away . makes his first steal before he can tie his shoes . creates alliances with the neighborhood kids , sneaks around to watch how the haves live with their pretty , pretty screens and their ugly , ugly words . school isn’t anything special , either , and while siwon can’t remember shit that he reads from a page he can work with his hands . fast and efficient , nimble fingers whether they’re flying across a keyboard or fucking around with some screws . you can make something of yourself , some of his teachers tell him while others can’t stop bitching about homework or tardiness or the way he falls asleep in the middle of class . but what’s siwon supposed to make ? he and his ragtag group of weirdos he calls friends . when he gets older and nights get hungrier , siwon learns to stop relying on the benevolence of neighbors and finds a job --- he’s fast , after all , with a sweet face and wide eyes , makes a helluva getaway after years and years of running .

thieving’s a natural grift . he’d been training for this his whole life . then he catches the eyes of a boss man who isn’t nearly as mad as he should be catching some kid with his wallet in his hands . courier comes next , ferrying messages from a bunch of suits all over the city . siwon never opened the packages , never second guesses the credits that start bloating his account . desperate , he does what he’s told and does it well ------ and that’s the real kicker , isn’t it ? that after a year and some-odd months of dedicated service they leave him high and dry with some bullshit he doesn’t have any involvement with . after years of running , boys in blue finally catch him and he’s left to take the fall of some dumb fuckery , man , and he’s pissed . steaming in jail , it’s a wonder some other gang didn’t get to him first . the longer he sat and talked with that ghoul member , the more he grew to despise the rich , the ones who left him to rot after all the shit he did for them . what was even the point anymore ? dog eat dog kind of bullshit , no sense of loyalty or shit anywhere . the law and all that money was out to get him from the beginning and siwon had enough of it . a few months locked up but he learned and leaned and learned , only able to get out on a technicality . the second he stepped back out into the sun , siwon followed the map given to him and signed up for the ghouls . city of light be damned . the only lights he wants to see are flames eating this hellhole alive .

☣ ; 𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐂𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 .

➤ full name. ryu si-won ➤ date of birth. january 29th ➤ hometown. city of light ➤ gender. cis male ➤ affiliation. ghouls ➤ primary occupation. drug runner , pickpocket ➤ secondary occupation. network manager at an internet cafe

➤ sexual attraction. pansexual ➤ romantic attraction. panromantic ➤ character alignment. chaotic neutral ➤ personality type. enfp ➤ temperament. sanguine ➤ wants. power , family

stands around 5′11 . broad shoulders , slim hips . floppy , messy hair and sun browned skin . half legs . a few pieces of silver in his ears and a small hoop on his bottom lip . dresses somewhere between a washed up rockstar , your college weed dealer , and a miami vice reject . style’s a whim with a closet’s chaotic mix of anything he thrifts or patches together . most of the time he’s sporting cuffed jeans , vintage blouse , a denim jacket or tweed blazer and thick ass boots . keeps all that hair back with a bandanna or a headband , hair ties on his wrist . nothing in his closet’s technically new and he loves looking for a bargain steal —— or simply just a steal . likes colors just as much as he likes his neutrals . wears a black air filtration mask and fingerless gloves . considers his floral button-up shirts fancy material and his trousers cut off at the ankles . likes the smell of old leather and the breathing of fringe on a jacket , the weight of heavy rings on his fingers and sunglasses swooped low on his nose . wears a monocle because he can’t be fucked with reading glasses . his hair’s been every color of the rainbow and he’s always changing it up thanks to temporary dye .

☣ ; 𝐁𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐃 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐍𝐄 .

hustles at arcade halls , scarfs down ramen and burritos like they’re gonna disappear , looks as comfortable in a dark , dirty alley as he does standing under all those lights in the neon district . pockets full of candy and a lollipop between his lips . likes cheap beer and cigarettes , fast talking and smooth smiles . gets up when the sun goes down . who knows if he ever gets a full night’s sleep , but you can find him taking a nap just about anywhere . seems to live for the dark hours and stays busy as a bee , at the internet cafe one moment and grabbing fried cheese sticks in the next before crossing the bridge to watch the street races and venturing to the tunnels for the fighting rings . complains about being broke but puts down bets faster than anyone . lives for the feeling of wind in his hair so the window of his top-floor one bedroom shit hole stays open all the time . feels the rain on his skin , plays with matches . learned how to assemble a gun in less than sixty seconds and stays packing nowadays though he can’t really shoot for shit . spray paints boobs on the sides of government buildings and dicks on malls . looks like an angel under all those holographic lights .

rides a motorbike and his skateboard . can do crazy math in his head and spot fake bills with incredible accuracy . can barely stand to sit still , always moving except when there’s a computer screen in front of him . gets addicted to things so easily it’s scary --- people , food , liquor , feelings . craves that intimacy , craves that closeness that’s always been denied to him . has a loud as fuck laugh and a love for sneaking into places where he doesn’t belong . catches extra cash on the side by fixing up broken-down machines and can figure his way around a motor with a bit of elbow grease . still sees his family . not as much as a good son would , but he sends cash when he can and looks after his younger sister , makes sure she stays well and clean . they don’t know half of what he’s gotten up to since he was let out of prison , but they might have some idea --- after all , who’d pay a crooked boy with a record as well as he seems to be ? when the sun starts to come up and he crashes into bed , siwon stares out the window and thinks about how in another world , or in another time he probably could’ve been something . could’ve made something great . but for now he’s just got a whole lot of anger , raw like a fresh wound he can’t stop picking at .

☣ ; 𝐈𝐒 𝐈𝐓 𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐘𝐎𝐔 ?

➤ bonds. my loyalty to my friends is unwavering ; i owe everything to my mentor --- a horrible person who’s rotting in jail somewhere ; i fleeced the wrong person and must work to ensure this individual never crosses paths with me . ➤ flaws. once i pick a goal , i become obsessed with it to the detriment of everything else in my life ; when I see something valuable , i can't think about anything but how to steal it ; i have a weakness for the vices of the city .

he’s friendly , but he doesn’t make friends easily --- the ones that he has made , he’d do anything for . because that’s how he’s gotten this far , right ? all those people who looked after him when others tried to stomp him out . he’s still close with his teen friends who threw a few grifts with him , gaming buddies that he knows only through a screen . little escapes from all the other bullshit going on in the world . even though he isn’t a club guy , he runs into more than a few faces on his rounds . maybe they’re bad influences or sweethearts who help that touch starved affliction that comes from living in a city so wired . on the flip side , there’s some enemies --- competitors in the runner world , antagonists he meets at the races or rings for whatever reason ( insane bets make tempers run hot , who knows when they’ll flare for good and siwon’s learning the hard way how to keep his mouth shut ) . he’s fixed up a few cars or weapons for people recently because he misses working with his hands . y’know , making nice . then there’s people he’s caught in a crossfire with , where they’ve met something nasty one too many times before over turf , territory and clients . a newer face to the ghouls , he’s bugged someone into mentoring him , and gone on a few runs with someone he loves to call a coworker .

eager to prove himself as more than a green kid with a keyboard and an eye for detail , find him cutting deals and making trades in smokey barbecue houses , hole-in-the wall ramen shops or by taco tents . a full bellied class of clients are happy clients in his opinion , and siwon isn’t above not making deals with the other groups who’s names aren’t violent delights . speaking of which --- there are definitely some skeletons there he aims to confront , some old demons to fight from that class of people that fucked him over . there’s an ex lover in there somewhere , probably met in that pre-prison childhood phase when he mingled past class lines more ( ~1.5-2 years ago ) . someone he’s healthily fearful of for whatever reason , and maybe a vendetta against the family that scammed his parents out of their business and basically sent his life spiraling . there’s someone who isn’t what they seem --- he doesn’t know who they really are , and maybe they don’t know who he is , either . they’ll learn eventually . someone he’s protective over , someone who protects him in ways he doesn’t even know , and those he looks after because they grew up on the same side . desperate for connection , desperate for a place , he finds it all in heaven and hell .

#neongraves:intro #. 𝐒𝐈𝐖𝐎𝐍 𝐑𝐘𝐔 ➤ DEVELOPMENT .#this is A Lot #but i had so many notes for myself #let's see how this pans #chaos reigns always

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