#in a way that seems socially acceptable for coaches

[leah-lover]

Behind her eyes.WNBA!reader x Alexia putellas.

Summary: Alexia and R's relationship is tested after what happened at one of r's basketball games

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Your girlfriend’s eyes were the reason why you fell in love with her. They were the first thing that caught your attention when it came to her and they are the thing you looked for when you were lost, upset or angry.

You first noticed her hazel eyes when she sat court side at one of your games in barcelona. You had just joined the catalonian team after the end of the wnba season. It was your first time playing in the Spanish league. In fact, it was your first time playing overseas and you didn't acclimate very well. You didn't know anybody, you didn't speak the language, you were just lonely and homesick.

It all changed on one home game, alexia came with a bunch of her teammates to support your new team, she sat courtside and watched attentivly as your team played valencia. You weren't feeling like yourself in your new home yet so you hadn't put on your usual performance. It all changed when you got fouled and fell directly in front of her. Angry, you wanted to pick a fight with the player that fouled you but you got distracted by a perfect face or more less a pair of dreamy eyes. They took you back for a moment and you kept thinking about them for a couple plays. You even glanced at her direction when you weren't moving the ball. She lit a fire inside of you, one that you have been trying to ignite ever since you left the US. You had to do better, you had to impress this person and leave an impression on her.

After the break, in the 3rd quarter, you put your game face on and started to direct play on the floor. You shot 3s, layups, blocked shots, assisted your teammates and over all controlled play. By the end of the game, the crowd was loud , and your team was leading the game by 20 points, which is the most this team has ever led with . You were happy, and you were yourself again.

You were celebrating with your teammates and coach when the social media manager came to you and asked you to come take a picture with alexia and her teammates. You got nervous all of a sudden but you tried to keep your cool. You introduced yourself, took the photo and tried as much as you could to memorize her features.

“ Hey, your shooting ability is impressive.” she says, her spanish accent apparent in her english.

“ What we do here is easy compared to controlling a ball with your feet, and running on the giant field you guys play in for 90 minutes.” you reply.

“ I guess every sport has its ups and downs.” she added.

“ You want to take some shots?” you invited her while bouncing the ball on the floor. She hesitantly accepted and so you helped her by correcting her form allowing her to take shots.

“ Holy shit you might be coming for my job.” you complimented her.

“ I don't think so. I am pretty attached to football, or as you people say soccer.” she says sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

“ don't count me in with those people calling it soccer and not football is pretty stupid.” you take another shot while holding eye contact with alexia. “ Besides, I am pretty damn good at my job.”

You two continue talking about the differences of your sports all the way down to the locker room where alexia’s teammates were waiting for her.

“ Come on, capi, we're gonna be late. “ says one of her teammates.

“ I came to one of your games, now it's your turn to come to mine.”

“ will do capi.” you joked before giving her a kiss goodbye.

Throughout the next couple of months you went to every game of hers you could and she did the same to you. You always stayed late talking, laughing, sometimes even practicing each other's sports after every game.

Talking after the game turned into dinners, then sex, and eventually you two started dating. You met her friends and family, and slept regularly at her house when you were in barcelona.

Your life seemed perfect, you were in your A game, you had a gorgeous girlfriend and you two loved the hell out of each other, you had friends in this strange new country who you would go out to brunch with on the weekend. You frankly were the happiest person in the world. Well, that only lasted for about 8 months.

It all happened at once in one second your perfect life came crashing down. During the playoffs, It was a regular 1v1 battle, you tried to turn around and make a shot but your knee thought otherwise and caused you to fall to the floor and scream out loud. The pain was inimaginable. Quickly, tears were streaming down your face, your teammates formed a huddle around you to shield you from the cameras, and the medic came rushing towards you.

“ hey do you hear me?” she asked. It was hard for you to focus. But all of a sudden it became clear, you didn't feel the pain anymore, and you stopped crying.

“ Non-contact injury, my knee, it's an ACL tear right?” you looked at the medic with a little hope in your eyes.

“ most likely. I am so sorry.” she said as she and her assistant tried to pull you up and help you hop to the locker room.

On the way there you look to your left and see a scared alexia. You looked at her eyes where you usually find solace and hope only to find sympathy and fear. She gave a reassuring smile but you looked at the ground immediately.

Once in the locker room, the medics began explaining the situation.

“ I know everything that’s gonna happen, I have been through this before. Its hard and it fucking sucks. I just want to go home now. I will be back tomorrow for scans.”

The medical team complies with your request and helps you go to the locker room to collect your things. Once you find yourself alone you smash one of your crutches on the ground multiple times, you bend the steel. You weren't proud of what alexia saw when she came in to check on you but you had to get the anger out of you. You would find out later that the crutch didn't get all of it.

Throughout the whole car ride flashes of the pain of rehab and hard work you put on only 3 years ago flooded your memory. You only got out of your head when you noticed the route that the car you were in was taking.

“ alexia i want to go home.” you say in a surprisingly harsh tone. She didn't look at you and continued driving.

“ alexia.” you repeat again.

“ You are not gonna scare me into pulling away from you.” she replied calmly.

“ Alexia, I just want to go home.” you say again not giving up your harsh tone.

“ we are going home amor. Home where I can be with you and take care of you.” .

“ I didn't ask you to. Just take me to my fucking house.”

What you said seemed to anger her so she pulled over. “ Let's get this out of the way now. First you are not going to drive me away, I love and I won't let you go. Second , you don't talk to me like that, not with that town and ot with those words. Third, call me Alexia again and you won't like what happens.” she shares eye contact with you again before putting her seat belt back on and driving home.

You didn't say a word through the rest of the car ride, you just dove into the sea of painful memories your brain prepared for you. When alexia notices your sudden change of demeanor, she puts her hand on your thigh only for you to flinch. You flinching at her touch meant that you were thinking about your past relationship and that's when alexia put two and two together.

You didn't realize that you two were home until Alexia opened your door and handed you your crutches.

“ alexia just take me to my house.”

“ We will talk about it upstairs, come one.”

You felt sick to your stomach, all you wanted to do was throw yourself in her arms and let her stroke your hair and scratch your back until you fell asleep.

Outside in the world and to the media your personality was larger than the world. You were loud, fun , playful, and funny. When you came you closed the door behind you and your girlfriend you craved to just lay on her and let her take care of you. However you were too proud to ever say anything out of fear she might not like the other side of the coin.

“Bébé talk to me please.”

You tried to keep your mouth shut. You tried so hard to swallow your words. But you could you couldn't keep it in anymore.

“ I am just so tired of pretending.” you whisper.

“ louder mi amor.”

“ This person I am about to become is grumpy, sad, angry and in pain. I am not gonna be the fun cocky person anymore. I have been through this before. It never fails to break me so please just take me home . I want to go home,and cry about my season at home that I lost. I want to cry about the fact that I will go through this miserable journey again. I want to cry about the fact that all I want is to be held by my girlfriend but I can't ask for that because I am afraid you will leave me. i just want to fucking cry.” by now you were hysterically crying and yelling. Alexia was holding you tight , her hands were becoming white.

“ I love you so much.” she just kept repeating that phrase over and over until you calmed down.

“ I will never leave you. I would love to hold you and take care of you and I don't pity you. You just had a fantastic season in a strange country and I am so proud of that and we will battle this together. “ she continued to rub your arms and whisper how much she loved you no matter what your mood was. You couldn't resist the temptation to drop your guard and be who you are anymore.

“ promise you will never leave me ale.” you plead.

“ I promise you that I will never leave. I am so sorry I didn't make you sure enough in my love for you. I promise you to do better.”

“ Can you help me take a bath and go to bed then. tomorrow is gonna be tough i need to sleep.

“ alright amor but first i want to hold you some more and stroke your hair.”

Somehow , She knew that that's what you ached for the most.

You turn your head and look into her eyes again to find love and admiration instead of the sympathy and fear that was there before so you relaxed and let her take care of you.

You knew since the moment you saw her that her eyes were your saving grace.

[ally-holmes]

Volunteer | Aaron Hotchner x Reader

My Fanfic Masterlist | Multifandom

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Fem!Reader

Reader: no use of YN, reader is a doctor, no precise description of gender or physique of reader.

Summary: You were a volunteer for the soccer team Aaron Hotchner coaches. When you decide to bite the bullet and ask the man out, he rejects you in what you felt was a humiliating manner. As you're trying to get used to your new life without seeing Hotch every week, you get called to help with a hostage situation as they need a doctor on site. The BAU is there.

NOTE: The summary is awful but I had no idea what to say without making spoilers.

Content Warning: hurt/comfort, hostage situation, inaccurate medical procedures, inaccurate baby delivery situation, explicit labor, medical complications, and lots of blood. Again, highly inaccurate, don't come at me with your medical degrees, I'm a historian, not a doctor.

Words: 6695

Rating: Explicit (Look CW)

Volunteer | Oneshot

Soccer had always been an easy sport to introduce to children in the US, that's why Haley Hotchner played with her son at any given time since he was three. Spending his fourth birthday in hiding was tough for them and Aaron could see that. When Jack kept watching the same tape repeatedly, Aaron decided to sign his son into a soccer team.

Belonging to a team gave Jack another social group away from school and an understanding of teamwork and camaraderie. It was also the perfect excuse for Aaron to keep his phone away and focus solely on his son on the weekends. Naming it an excuse might seem inappropriate, but for Aaron, having a semi-structured schedule to drive his free time helped him to push the work aside, avoiding hyper-focusing on the paperwork he took from the bureau. His implication with the team drove the other parents to ask him to coach the team, a proposition that he accepted with the assistance of his best friend, David Rossi.

Things were fine overall.

Then you showed up one weekend with Jessica who introduced you as the volunteer who was going to take care of the children's health. Aaron did his best to control his microexpressions but the sparkling look Jessica gave him behind your back spoke volumes to him.

When Jessica Brooks told you about the infant soccer league you looked at her with an arched eyebrow. You've finally graduated from med school and work as a doctor in the ER of a hospital. After three years there, it felt like your own home and the staff you worked with were your family. Jessica had become a new addition to the hospital's cafeteria, and she was so approachable and extroverted that it was easy for her to bond with the other members of the personnel.

Of course, you knew about the tragedy that hit her family when her sister was murdered leaving a child behind, and you've met Jack on several occasions. Yet, you were unable to pin down the moment, the insinuation, or the interaction that made Jessica corner you at the end of your shift to ask you if you'd be interested in volunteering your medical abilities for her nephew's soccer team.

"It's mostly scratches or sprained ankles at its worse," she insisted. "A little bird had told me you ought to socialize away from the hospital. It will be great for you!"

"Jessica…"

"Listen, Jack's dad has accepted to be the team's coach, and although I know that it has been a ruse of the soccer moms to ogle him every Sunday morning, he's going to take it seriously. Not like, he's going to be focused on winning every single match. They don't even keep scores for that age group. What I mean is that Aaron is going to concentrate on making it fun for the children, but also safe, and his medical knowledge is limited."

"You just said it's mostly scratches and sprained ankles. You don't need a doctor for that."

"Come on!! It'll be fun!!"

"Are you trying to set me up with him or something?"

Jessica scoffed, "He's way too old for you. I highly doubt you find him anything else than stern and intimidating. However, there are younger single parents. All I'm saying is that you should spend time with people away from these walls."

You cave in, as might be expected.

Aaron Hotcher was stern and pretty much intimidating, but he was also an absolutely cute little thing with the kids, sexy, and interesting. His assistant, David Rossi, was approachable and found a way to involve you in his conversations with Hotchner.

You were eager to please as a volunteer. You were very nice to the children, who seemed to attach to you almost immediately, and the parents soon rooted for you when they knew you were a medical doctor. Your awkward smile when one of the parents told you about the weird rash that had appeared on his rear made Aaron giggle inside.

From the point of view of a profiler, he could tell you had terrible social skills that you tried very hard to overcome and improve. You were more comfortable with children than with adults, maybe because you've been hurt in the past, you may have some trust issues and second guess yourself often in social situations but never in your work. He was unable to see the classic narcissism noticeable in surgeons, instead, you had a compulsive professionalism while being warm and caring. Aaron also saw some nerdiness and geekiness in you that made his heart melt without permission.

"To think that I brushed her off when she asked me if I was trying to set her up…" Jessica's voice pulled him out of his analysis.

"Is this a setup?"

"God, no. Not an intentional one, at least. I was not expecting you two to check each other out like that."

"I did not check her out."

"Aaron, it's me. I may not be a profiler, but I know your looks. You like her already and I know that as you get to know her better, you're going to like her more and more."

"It won't happen."

"Tell yourself that."

And he did. He told himself that along with other things but when he caught your eyes lingering on him when you thought he wasn't looking he felt a boost of self-esteem. Talking to you was a treat he rarely indulged himself with. The worst thing he thought he could do was to lead you on to think he felt the same because then he would lose the restraint that prevented him from falling in love again. It was too soon. You were too young. The 'what if' list got longer and longer as months passed.

That's how, after a few months you ended up crushing hard on that man that Jessica assured you was too old for you. Oh, boy, you didn't care. After the practices and matches, you stayed with Hotch to clear the place of the things you'd used with Jack's playful help, and that's what drew you closer. You found his deadpan jokes hilarious. You lived for his small smirks or full-on laughs, the tiny movements his eyebrows made when he found something amusing, the light in his dark eyes when he looked at his son laughing about what you'd said or done. Being of assistance was your main goal for the weekends and your supervisor in the ER was more than glad to fix your schedule so you could have those moments for the soccer team.

At some point, you inevitably thought of yourself as a needy puppy when you found yourself being always the first to comply with any of Hotch's requests. Due to the lack of major injuries (or injuries in any way or form), you didn't have much to do with the team, therefore you ran errands like buying snacks, or bringing gallons of water… To be honest you would've driven all the way to San Francisco if Hotch and Dave had asked you to. It was embarrassing.

Now that you were facing a pissed-off Aaron Hotchner, you were regretting accepting Jessica's push six months ago.

Mulling over your feelings for the past few weeks, you've decided to approach him and ask him out on a date. Just some coffee, really, nothing fancy. He frowned; his eyes ran through you seeing things you were fighting to hide. Little did you know that Aaron felt at the edge of an abyss.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Aaron tersely told you, and when your eyes wandered between his looking for a longer explanation, his panic clouded his mind, and he must admit was gratuitously rude to you. "With my work consisting in profiling people, do you actually believe that your behavior had been unnoticed? I've tried to put some distance between us to avoid confusing you and apparently, it hadn't worked. I don't intend to be mean, but if your sole motivation to volunteer here is to spend time with me or look at me, I think it'll be better for all of us if you stopped coming here. We don't need a doctor, anyway. The most you've done has been cleaning Travis' wound when he fell on top of a tiny rock and his hand started bleeding.

"I am sure that you are great in your work," he slowly assured you, "but we don't need your skills here. I'm doing this to spend quality time with my son, and I cannot enjoy it if my attention is on your stalking behavior."

"Stalking?" You whispered confused.

"It's not the appropriate word. I'm sorry. Just… This is a safe space for the kids to have fun, and we, parents, are here because of that. You have no connection with any of them, not the children and not the adults."

You press your lips to avoid pouting. The last thing you wanted was to break in front of him after that awful humiliation. Handing him the cones you'd collected, you had nothing else to do there, and knowing just how unwanted your presence was prevented you from saying goodbye to Rossi and Jack as you usually did.

Aaron's grip on the cones hurt his hands as he followed you with his eyes, a storm breaking in his chest. When instead of going towards Dave and Jack you kept walking out of the field, the old profiler looked at him across the field with concerned eyes. He bowed his head in shame.

Hiding from Jessica at work was easy for you, at least for the first few days after the humiliation, but on Wednesday, you decided to bite the bullet and face her. After sharing some pleasantries, you smiled sadly at her before telling her what you actually wanted to say.

"I don't know if Hotch has told you, but I asked him out for a coffee. He rejected me, of course," you laughed self-depreciatingly. "Um… I'm going to quit volunteering on the soccer team. Could you make sure he understands it is because I cannot face him after how he did it, and not because I'm unable to stop stalking him?"

"He said you were stalking him?"

"Not exactly. He said I had stalking behavior, apparently. I didn't notice. I– I've been fighting very hard to act normal around him. I promise that if he had just rejected my advances I would've kept my volunteering. I mean, it would've been awkward but I really do enjoy being out there. He made it pretty clear that I've been making him uncomfortable, and that's something I can't gut. Um… So, yeah, that's that."

Hotchner did not have it that easy to hide from his sister-in-law. Jessica narrowed her eyes at him when he came back home from a long work trip in Texas. As he asked about Jack, worried that her sour mood had to do with something regarding his son, she sighed crossing her arms.

"You told her you felt stalked? Really?"

Understanding washed over him.

"I might've misused the word," Aaron took accountability for his mistake.

"I cannot believe you can be so dumb! Aaron, she likes you! And you like her too, don't try to lie to me."

"She's too young and–"

"You're scared. That is normal, but listen to me, you deserve to be happy again. I'm pretty sure that a doctor will understand your crazy schedule better than anyone else. Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"It's done. Forget about it."

Pressing her hands against her eyes, Jess tried to calm down her anger. "Fine. I'm going to leave you alone, just one thing, Aaron, you've hurt her pretty badly and if you don't fix your mistake soon, you're going to miss your opportunity. She's a nice person, and she deserves better than to be humiliated that way."

"It wasn't my intention."

"Just because there was no ill intention in your behavior, does not mean that you're innocent of the damage you've caused." Gathering her things, she headed out the door. "Oh, and by the way, she asked me to tell you that she won't be volunteering for the team anymore. Not because she's unable to stop stalking you, but because the way you're rejected her made her believe that her presence is unwelcome and makes you uncomfortable, so… Well done."

Aaron did not give much thought to that until the weekend rolled over and you weren't there. While the parents and guardians were concerned about your well-being, the children stubbornly refused to start without you on the field because in their minds you were an essential part of the team, just as the coach was. Dave caught him lost in his mind more than once, but he never said anything out loud.

Three weeks after leaving the soccer team you were still surprised at how much you missed it. Weaver gave you all the hours you asked for to work on the weekends in order to fill your mind with work instead of daydreaming about how much fun the kids must've been having. Jessica told you once that Travis had scratched his knees but refused treatment even from his dad as he cried calling for you. That touched your broken heart; knowing that the little ones appreciated your presence even if it was irrelevant meant so much to you.

That Sunday you'd been working since Saturday morning treating everything from mild intoxication to hardcore injuries. Adrenaline was still pumping in your veins as you tore the yellow gown off to deposit it in the bin with the gloves you just used on the car-crash patient that Coleen was taking to the OR. Cracking your neck, you grabbed your white coat from where you'd dropped it to attend to the emergency. Slipping it on top of your scrubs (a patient had vomited on you during the night which forced you to change clothes) you approached the admission desk.

"Got something for me, Jerry?"

"Take your pick," he pointed to the row of histories.

"That's not fair! How is it I cannot pick?" said a petulant voice next to you.

"Because you're a student, Natalie. Here, take this. Seems the patient needs sutures."

"That's all I'm doing. Sutures, sutures, sutures," she mumbled as she went to gather the patient.

That's when a known figure caught your eye in the waiting room. Frowning, you looked at the histories, finding two familiar names. With the documents in your arms, you cross the waiting room towards them.

David Rossi was nursing his injured arm against his chest, standing next to Aaron and Jack, who were seating in the waiting room. He saw you at the admissions desk looking through the histories before taking two of them and walking straight towards him. That's when he knew it had been a good idea to make Aaron drive them to this concrete hospital. Aaron's eyes were locked on his son's injury, therefore he tensed slightly when he heard your voice after so long.

"Why, good morning, Jack," you cheerfully greet the young child that's sitting in his father's lap, who was pressing a towel against his son's head. "Didn't you have a match today?"

"I got hurt," the boy pouted although you could see he was enduring the pain.

"Why won't you come with me? Come with us, Dave," the man nodded with a glint in his eyes.

You haven't even glanced at Aaron's face, afraid that you may compromise your patient's needs by remembering the humiliating rejection you've suffered.

When he gathered the courage to look at you, his heart clenched in need as, for the first time since he'd known you, your beautiful eyes never landed on him. Not even once.

With Jack seated on a bed in the ER, you removed the towel finding a small wound surrounded by dry blood. It was puffy and bluish. Rossi explained that Jack had passed out while on the field and he had launched to get him, failing, and hurting his wrist on the landing.

"Very well, Jack, I'm going to ask you to do something for me," you said putting your penlight away after looking at the response in his eyes. "I want you to touch your nose with your fingertips, then pull the arms as far away as you can, and touch your nose again," you demonstrated what you wanted and the boy did it without trouble. "Well done. Now follow my finger without moving your head. That's right… Very good, Jack. Give me your hands. Grab mine as hard as you can. Good. Now," you put your hands on top of his feet, "try to push my hands up. As hard as you can. There you go. Okay.

"I'll listen to your heart now." After that and checking his reflexes, you sat on a small stool by the bed and asked him a few questions to evaluate his mental state. He was shy at first, but then he started babbling coherently, which was a good sign. "Jack, did you feel bad before the match?"

The boy looked at his dad and at Rossi, "No."

"I might not be a profiler, but that seems like a lie to me. Do you want to try again?"

"I– I had a tummyache."

"When you went to the bathroom, was your poop very liquid?"

"Yeah…"

"You didn't tell your dad?" Jack shook his head, regretting it immediately. "Why not, sweetheart?"

"I want to spend time with him, but if he's the coach and I can't play, then I have to go with Aunt Jess or look from the sidelines. That's not fun."

"Perfectly understandable. Does your tummy hurt still? No? When was the last time you ate something?"

Opening the history, you scrabble and check several squares before facing Aaron Hotchner for the first time, pulling your most professional façade on. He was waiting, observing every single move with his arms crossed over his chest.

"I don't see any symptoms of concussion. Jack doesn't even react badly to the light when pointed directly at his eyes. I believe that he's caught the stomach bug that's been running among children for the last few weeks and he's dehydrated due to the diarrhea.

"I'm going to run some blood tests, just to be certain. Although the headwound is superficial I'm aware that you'll feel better if we take some X-rays. I'll give him some fluids, clean the wound, and he'll be free to go if the tests come back clear.

"Once at home, lots of liquids. Water, Gatorade… Bland food, the usual. Keep him awake at least until his bedtime, that way you'll be aware of something bad happening. It's not going to happen anything bad, though."

He nodded, unable to find his voice after feeling the way your eyes stabbed him. Aaron Hotchner made a life out of analyzing people and he could see how hard you were trying to stand composed in front of him, to hide how strongly he had hurt you.

"Now you, Dave," you palped his wrist and scrunched your nose. "It's not broken. I think it's dislocated. I'm going to send you to X-rays with Jack, that way you keep each other company, and we'll see what's the situation with your wrist before trying to put it in place. Any questions? None? Good. Haleh," you called the nurse, "blood tests and fluids for the little man. A round of X-rays for both of them."

"On it."

"Need some help!!" Carter yelled while running towards the entrance of the emergency where an ambulance was dropping an injured and bloody patient.

"I'll be back when the X-rays are done," you promised the three men before running for the second ambulance. "What do we have?"

As the paramedic was explaining the patient's situation, she started to code which made you copy one of Carter's most dramatic moves and jump on top of the gurney to start compressions as the paramedics kept pushing it toward box two.

"That's really cool," Jack whispered mesmerized by the display of action. Aaron caressed his son's head with love.

Time went by, busy as always in the ER so your hands were full with both complicated and easy cases. Rossi, Aaron, and Jack spent the time waiting for the X-rays before waiting in the ER again; it didn't annoy them much, and they understood how it worked. Overall, they were all aware that they would still be waiting for their turn if you hadn't been working that day and saw them in the waiting room.

You were exhausted when you saw the three men again. Haleh handed you the X-ray complaining about how rude the technicians were when overloaded with work. Greeting them again, you put Jack's rays on a light panel close by.

"Look, Jack. This is your head. Can you see these circles? Those are your eyes. Now, this is the side where you had hit your head. There's no trace of damage in the bone," you looked at Hotch to make your message clear. "I can see that the fluids bag is almost empty. That's a good sign. Blood tests came back clear as well. Jack is fine. As I said before, liquids and bland food until the stomach bug is over.

"Let's see Dave's hand now…" You changed the rays. Rossi's wrist had been dislocated, as you thought.

Getting ready the needed stuff for the cast before placing the wrist in place, you explained everything to Jack who watched your moves like a hawk. Using Rossi's distraction, you pull his hand, putting his bones in place. It hurt him, and he cursed under his breath so you gifted him with your most innocent smile.

"You need the cast to avoid hurting your wrist more. Be more careful, David."

"As you say, Doc."

Carter's voice calling for you prevented you from pointing out his age. You turned to see him pointing to the board. Right, your shift must've been over three hours ago. Thumbs up you wink at him before turning your attention to your patients once again.

"I'm going to put you in the cast while Jack's bag completely empties, and then you guys can leave. Sounds good?"

"Who is that?" Jack asked.

"Doctor Carter," you simply say, focusing on the cast.

"Is he your boyfriend?" the child insisted. Aaron tensed with his son's boldness.

"Nope."

"Jack, it's not nice to ask those questions," Hotch reprimanded, making him pout.

"I just want to understand why she's not coming anymore." That admission stabbed him right in the heart.

"I'm not coming because you don't need me, Jack," you smiled at him. Another stab clenched Hotch's chest, he'd told you that.

"But we want you there!! It's not the same without you."

"That's very sweet, but it doesn't change the situation. This is done. Haleh will take that out of you, Jack. Be good," you pointed to both of your patients, ignoring Aaron once again.

Leaving them behind, you approached the admission counter to fix the paperwork when Carter cornered you with his cheeky expression and half smile. You rolled your eyes, putting your arms up in surrender.

"Fine. Fine. I'm leaving. See? This is me leaving."

"You better get out of my ER before another ambulance comes by."

"Meany."

"Out."

Rossi hummed watching the interaction just as Aaron's jaw set in distaste. "Is that jealousy or envy?"

"Not now, Dave."

It didn't take you too long to get ready to leave the hospital, and just at the moment you were crossing the doors you saw an ambulance come to a halt. Standing on the tip of your toes, you try to take a good look at the patient but Carter gave you 'the look' and you gave up. You just wanted to keep yourself busy. It was lunchtime and although you wanted to eat, you didn't want to do it all alone in your small apartment.

Walking towards the bus stop, you pulled out your phone thinking about ordering from the Indian restaurant close to your place and picked it up on your way. With a sigh, you decided you were not that hungry anyway.

Once in their home after that long morning in the ER, Aaron tried to pry the real feelings from his son, who openly told him that yes, he missed you and that he thought that you two were going to date in the future.

"You smile way more when she's on the team, Daddy," he had told him.

His resolution was clear, he was going to confront you, take accountability for his mistake, and beg you for a chance. Work prevented him from doing it right away.

You didn't hear from the Hotchner men or David Rossi for the next few days, which you anticipated, but when Saturday rolled up you found yourself in an ambulance next to Doctor Carter and Nurse Patton running to attend a hostage situation.

The place is a grocery store. Hostages are pressed against its windows to prevent the shooters from having a visual of the suspect. There's a control area with local agents and the FBI, and as you're led there by an officer, you locked eyes with Aaron Hotchner. He seemed composed and focused, but the moment he saw you his frown deepened and his skin ashen.

The three of you were introduced to the agents and you let Carter take control of the situation. He's older than you, your superior, and he had proved his leadership countless times in the hospital.

"The unsub is desperate. He is a father who's seen his world crumbling in the last few months as social services threatened to take his children from him," Rossi explained to all of you.

"He's compassionate with other people but he won't hesitate to kill in order to keep the custody of his children. He has asked for a medical team as there's a wounded hostage and a pregnant woman in terrible pain," the agent introduced as Emily Prentiss continued.

"He is reckless. He's cornered and that makes him dangerous. Under no circumstance try to approach him, antagonize him, or contradict him. Understand? He's volatile at this point and if he believes that you are the enemy, he will kill you on the spot." Although Hotchner's words were meant for the three of you, his eyes never left you for too long.

"Is there any plan?" Carter asked.

"He'll be distracted with you there. You just have to focus on doing your job. There's a CCTV system with video and audio that still work. We have eyes and ears on you."

"Fair enough. Patton, when we get in, you and I will attend to the wounded. You," Carter pointed at you, "go to the pregnant and check on the baby."

"Understood."

"Let's get you inside."

Following Agent Morgan to the end of the perimeter your heart quickened its beating rate pumping your blood faster through your veins boosted by the adrenaline raising in your system. The unsub, as the FBI called him, ordered the bunch of you to show that you weren't armed before allowing you to enter.

The man, in his late fifties but athletic, was sweating profusely. His eyes never focused on a spot for too long. His hands were running through his hair, drying his face, fidgeting anxiously. Saying that he was unstable was a huge misunderstanding. When Carter asked for his name, the man mumbled Eli almost unconsciously before cursing and aiming at the doctor with his gun claiming that they weren't there to talk to him.

Carter calmly explained his plan of action to Eli before proceeding. Patton and Carter found the wounded victim bleeding in abundance from a bullet wound in his thigh. As they worked fast and efficiently on it, Eli hovered over them with guilt written all over his face. The man kept promising that it had been an accident, that the gun had shot itself because the victim kept talking and talking. Carter deemed the wound not life-threatening itself as it hadn't pierced the artery; however, Eli wasn't sure how long it had been since the man was bleeding, which made the situation delicate still.

Meanwhile, you've approached the pregnant woman asking for her name with a soft calming smile on your face. Patty was focused enough to tell you that this was her first pregnancy, that she had gone to the grocery store craving pickles and peanut butter, and that she was in huge pain that had increased in the last few minutes. Putting on some gloves, you informed her that she needed a pelvic exam to see if everything was alright, but you started the exploration by touching her belly and auscultating both her chest and her belly in order to find a trace of the baby's heartbeat if possible. After that, you pulled up her dress finding a concerning hemorrhage.

"Alright, Patty. Can you tell me how often it hurts?" You removed her bloody underwear before proceeding to the exam and… "You're in labor."

"No. No. No. There's no way. It's early still. It's early."

"That makes your baby a bit impatient," you joked kindly.

The most important thing was that Patty remained as calm as possible, which wasn't much. After noticing how dilated she was, you found the baby's head ready to start its journey into the world. Then you palpated it. The umbilical cord was surrounding the baby's neck. As Patty started to scream you could feel the baby moving forward as she was pushing.

"No, Patty. Don't push."

"It hurts!"

"I know it does, but you can't push just yet. Mister Eli," you called for the unsub, "this woman is in labor and she needs a hospital."

"She's not leaving!!"

"I'm not making a suggestion, I'm stating a fact," you sternly answered piercing him with your determination. You weren't scared of him. "If this woman and her baby die here, it would be your fault."

Eli ran towards you pushing his gun to your forehead, you didn't even blink refusing to show weakness. "Then do your job."

"Oh, I'm going to. I'm not a miracle worker, though. And I need help."

Outside, in the control center, Aaron was losing his cool. On the inside, of course, he rarely broadcasts his emotions. Dave knew him well enough to put his castless hand on top of his friend's crossed arms to give him support.

"She's strong," whether it was a statement or a reminder, they didn't know.

The fact that you weren't cowering under Eli's aggressive behavior broke his resolve allowing two of the hostages on the windows to help you. One of them volunteered because she was a med student; she had been helping the wounded man before the arrival of the ambulance. You asked her to monitor Patty as the other volunteer helped you handing you whatever you needed at the moment.

Trying to calm down Patty, you winked at her as if saying that her condition wasn't as grave as you'd told the unsub. Focusing your senses on your hands, you tried to remove the umbilical cord from the baby's neck without hurting it or the mother. It took some time and deep breaths but in the end, you were able to move it around freeing the neck. Patty was close to collapse, sweaty and exhausted. You asked her to push with every contraction. Head out. Another push and there came the shoulders. Another big one and the baby was limp between your hands, blue and unresponsive. Clamping the cord, you cut it before depositing the infant on top of a bunch of towels the volunteer had gathered from the end of the store for you. You start the baby's reanimation.

"She's passed out," the med student told you anxiously.

Without stopping your compressions you saw Patty unconscious, bleeding way too much.

"Carter!!"

"I'm not done yet," he shot you a look across the place.

"Fuck… She hasn't expulsed the placenta yet, Carter."

"She has to go to a hospital," Carter spat to Eli.

"No one is leaving until they gave me my children back!!"

The newborn made a complaining sound before starting to cry. Taking a deep breath, you auscultated her to make sure that everything was fine. You wrapped her on the towels and handled her to the volunteer with the order of keeping her warm and to make sure that if she stopped breathing at any moment, you were called.

Turning your attention to Patty there wasn't much you could do at the moment. Her heart rate was decreasing, and she kept losing blood. There was a hospital a mile away, she could make it and they would be able to help her before it was too late.

"Under no circumstance try to approach him, antagonize him, or contradict him," Hotchner's words danced in your head as you got up from the floor peeling the damp gloves.

Fuck it.

"Are you happy now?" You spat at Eli. Carter's patient was receiving CPR uselessly.

"Don't move," Eli pointed his gun at you.

"You know? The officers out there told us that you were a compassionate man. That you just wanted your children back. I thought I could understand you then, you were just a father loving his children and wanting to be with them."

"Exactly!! I'm–"

"You're not," you calmly cut his outburst shocking him. "You're a disgusting piece of garbage. Did social services take your children? Well, if you behave out there just as half as you did here I'm surprised they didn't take them sooner."

"Shut up!!"

There was a commotion outside when Aaron grabbed his gun and headed towards the perimeter, Morgan and Rossi caught him before he could even take a step away from them. Dave took the gun out of his grip.

"What's wrong with you?" Morgan demanded.

"She's going to get herself killed!"

"I know this is tricky for you, but you can't just break protocol, Aaron."

"Dave, she's inside and–"

"She's giving us an opening," Reid's absent voice ran through them. "Look, he's so focused on her and their argument that we can approach the store and take him without him noticing."

After a moment of studying the situation, Hotch took his gun again and nodded. "Let's get ready."

They put on the earpieces that kept reproducing the conversation that was taking place inside the store in order to give them the correct tempo.

"Look at what you've done," you pressed. Your voice was low and stern, completely calm as you kept approaching him cornering him against the counter of the store without him noticing. "A woman that still had time to become a mother, is now dying on the floor because of you. A man is dead because of you."

"It was an accident. I– The gun–"

"They could've lived if you had left them to leave to a hospital. Compassionate, they said," you snorted in mockery. "You're just a selfish bastard that would kill his own children if they disobeyed."

"That's not true!! Not true. I never touched them. I– I'm a good man."

"You're a murderer. Funny thing how you assumed your children aren't here yet because the police won't take them, but you know the truth, don't you? They don't want to have anything to do with you."

"No!"

"They know what you are and they don't want to be with you."

It was fast. One second Eli was an anxious and sweaty mess moving from side to side with unfocussed attention, and the next he was ready to shoot you between the eyes. However, your change was just as fast. One second you were approaching him slowly, and the next you hit him in the face with your elbow in a perfect move. Eli lost his balance falling face-first to the floor. You kicked the gun away before he grabbed you, pulling you underneath him. He punched you in the face before Carter hooked his head with his arm tearing him away from you. The door burst open and the FBI took Eli away.

In the mess that was taking the unsub away from the store, checking on all the hostages, and guiding the EMT to the injured, Aaron was unable to take a proper look at you which made him feel antsy.

With Patty and her baby in an ambulance and all the hostages safe, except for the wounded man that had perished, Hotchner approached you. His stern demeanor hardened his set jaw and frowning brow.

"We had video and audio from the inside. What you did was reckless. What were you thinking? Did you not pay any attention to what I had to say before you got in? Eli Marsh could've–"

"I did my job, Agent Hotchner. I'm a doctor and my job is to help people in need. My patient was losing blood and she needed a hospital, so I got her out of there. I'd do it again if needed."

Before he could say something else, Rossi called for you to make your statement.

Aaron saw you leaving with steady feet and felt his chest puff with pride at how brave you'd been. Dave's look in the distance made him take a deep breath and handle the situation as the Unit Chief he was; he needed to clear his mind.

Back at the office, the team dispersed to complete their paperwork. He had no idea how long he'd been surrounded by papers to fulfill, but as he was writing his statement, his mind wandered away, and the images of you confronting and insulting a volatile unsub with such a strong stance and calm tone assaulted him.

A soft know in his office door pulled him away from that helpless memory. David Rossi observed him with those profiler eyes.

"Yes?"

"Stop being this stupid, Aaron. Go to her."

"I'm not done."

"There's no rush. Plus, Morgan and I will take care of all the paperwork that doesn't need your direct participation."

Looking out of his window to the bullpen he saw his whole team looking back at him. They all knew.

"Go." His friend insisted.

Despite the dangerous situation and nerve-wracking job, you had to perform that day, you went back to your hospital to check in with your bosses. Weaver gave you, Carter, and Patton the rest of the day off as well as the day after that. Patton left immediately, but Carter and you procrastinated for almost two hours in the staff room talking about the day.

When Carter decided he had energy enough to go home, he offered you a ride and you gratefully accepted. Heading out of the ER door, it took you a couple of glances to acknowledge that the silhouette you were seeing was actually there and not a side effect of the stressful day you'd had.

"Go ahead," you told Carter. He looked between the man and you as the distance shortened. He didn't seem pleased with leaving you alone but did it nonetheless. "Agent Hotchner," you greeted him. "Is there anything else I had to do with the case today?"

Shying away, Hotch fixed his tie, "This isn't an official visit. I just– Are you hungry?"

"That depends. Why are you asking?"

"I want to buy you dinner."

"Why?"

You weren't going to make it easy for him and when he noticed he smiled slightly. "Because I like you and I've been an asshole lately and today I– I was terrified when I saw you come down from the ambulance. I'm not ready to have you out of my sight."

"That sounds concerning."

"I'm sorry about what I said when you asked me out. I– I pushed you away because I wasn't sure about how long I could keep my distance. I wasn't fair and I know it. This doesn't have to lead to anything, but…"

"Nothing fancy, though."

Smiling more broadly, Aaron nodded. "Nothing fancy," he promised making a gesture towards his car.

The end.

[dimepdf]

★  𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐊 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐄𝐒. + 𝐓𝐎𝐉𝐈 𝐅𝐔𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐔𝐑𝐎

masterlist. / taglist. / any request? synopsis. to your surprise, Toji shows up at your family holiday get together looking nothing but charming, and making buddies with your aunties but he quickly makes it clear that he's only there for you and that he really misses you.

─── ☆ notes. i failed the: trying to post all the wips i have without getting distracted by another idea challenge .

─── ☆ length. 2.4k (19 min read) .

─── ☆ genre and warnings. +18 nsfw under the cut. minors dni, porn with barely any plot, collage au, teacher and student relationship, secret relationship, legal age gap, corruption kink(?), oral sex(f), quickies, unprotected sex, bathroom sex, annoying cousin core, nosy relatives, holiday break is brought up but not in detail, gotta be a few typos in there somewhere knowing me | — feedback is always welcomed & don't forget to reblog 🤍

Once you had a taste of the true freedom that came with adulthood, you never wanted to come back home to your strict parents. Growing up with strict parents who didn't do anything but breathe down your neck your entire life 

Making you out to be nothing but the naive and sweet daughter that they could form from their generic cookie-cutter mold that came with being from your pristine and perfect family. 

The only time you were truly yourself was when you were away from your parent's reach and guidance in another state, and you were allowed to spend the time wilding out at college. 

While all you had to do was keep your grades straight, knowing your parents would pull you out of school the second they learned that you were even thinking about falling behind.

There were still times when all you could do was study because your social life hinged on whether or not you passed all of the courses that your parents had hand-picked for the degree that they had planned for you. 

But, unbeknownst to your parents, you weren't the timid little homebody they imagined you to be during those breaks in between classes and studies. 

It was easy to come out of your shell with the type of extroverted roommates and friends that you had.

Not to mention the glow up you had when finally learning how to dress in a style that wasn't handpicked by your overbearing mother. 

It was only a matter of time before you would catch the eye of someone on campus, but none of those boys really mattered when it came to competing with a certain older man in your life.

You had met Toji when he was your university's fitness coach, spotting him while he was in the open gym. 

you had thought he was just another fit hot college guy, given the swarm of other guys around him being friendly toward him.

Judging him to be just another conceded gym rat, it took your very unathletic behavior for him to notice you right away striking up a conversation with you on how you would end up straining your back and possibly snapping your spine holding a weight the way that you did.

The incident was enough to spark a small friendship, becoming your gym buddy.

It was around that time that you found out he was pushing forty the same age as your parents. but that didn't seem to bother you much given that a few weeks after that discovery you would make the first move and offer to have more than a friendship with Toji. 

That was the same night you had found out how it felt to be overstimulated from having one too many orgasms. 

you weren't bothered by Toji's age, the upkeep of his appearance being the main reason you hadn't bat an eye at your relationship only really keeping him on the down low just cause he was a high school friend with your father—and the entire reason you had even gotten accepted into the college by the sake of his reference—in which the bond that he had with your dad was something close to brotherly love, yet how you two had just met around the time you were 21 and thriving with beauty was just the messy work of god stirring the pot from above. 

You would agree that your relationship with Toji was just a bit along the lines of being taboo, going behind closed doors to release some of that exam season tension if there's one thing Toji was skilled at it was how to make you relax. 

Exams weren’t the only reason you were forced to settle down from your new free spirited weekend plans, but it was the holiday season once more where you bid your dorm room farewell traveling back to the house you grew up in. 

it only took a step into your family home to have you reverting back to that docile child you once were a few years back when you were an undermotivated higher schooler being a walking minion to every command from your parents and elders. 

Expecting the break to unroll the same as every other holiday break did while you were home, especially given that your parents were the ones hosting a dinner party, having everyone spread all along the place. 

What you hadn't expected to see among the familiar faces of your relatives, was the man that you were hooking up with standing tall and lean in your living room chatting it up with your handsy aunties.

you had only been gone for three days, yet your eyes latched onto Toji as if it were the first time in years you had seen him again.

The older women flocked around him, snickering at his attractive face and clinging to any ounce of attention that he gave them.

You couldn't show that you were starting to become jealous and also a bit disgusted over some of the ways they would compliment him "grown people talk" they would call it before telling you to mind your business and bump you out of the conversation. 

It wasn't Toji's fault that he was just drop-dead gorgeous, dressed in a plain button down and dark slacks, had you thought he managed to look so attractive.

With his collar unbuttoned and sleeves rolled up to the mid of his forearms daring to show off just how muscular he truly was as if the way his shirt hadn't hugged him at the waist wasn't enough. 

You had to remember how to breathe again once you had caught sight of how well his pants were fitting him. 

It was a frustrating game of cat and mouse throughout the afternoon, no matter how hard you had tried to break away from a conversation a new person would come around the corner calling out your name just to bombard you with the same boring questions on how your life was going. 

It was the same boring questions that you were just starting to answer things on autopilot, one of your older cousins catching you off guard going off script, and striking you at just the right time for you to spill all the juicy details on your dating life. 

Catching more attention even your aunts suddenly became interested in your conversation perching up to hear all about what you were off doing at college. 

you weren't stupid, knowing that most of them were listening just to get dirt and gossip ready to flap their mouths to your parents about how much of an "adventure" you were on instead of focusing on your studies.

You decided to tease the idea a bit instead referring to Toji as “just a boy you were talking to” reassuring them that it was absolutely nothing that seriously held you back from your grades. 

Toji had seemed to find your answer so hilarious, not even bothering to hide his chuckle or the way he bit his lip staring you down as if he were undressing you.

The eye contact hadn't gone on long enough for anyone else but you to notice, turning away from you as he continued with his conversation with one of your relatives. 

Your cousin thought it was all bullshit, given your lack of track record in the dating department.

Toji being your first real “boyfriend” since one of the church boys your father was trying to set you up with or the one time you had gotten asked out as a prank you couldn't judge her much on the assumption. 

You wondered how shocked everyone would be if they knew what type of relationship you had with Toji. 

How crude they would find it that the minute you could slip away upstairs to your bathroom with Toji right on your tail just to have his head between your legs and his working all your tension away with his skilled mouth.

The moment that you had shut and locked the door Toji was all over you. His muscular arms reached to grab you by the back of your thigh, lifting you up to sit on top of the sink. 

The clatter of the soap dispenser and toothbrushes falling to the floor was quickly disregarded by the both of you being wedged against the wall and Toji’s chest, just for him to drop to his knees on the floor and part your legs diving under your skirt. 

Hurried rough kisses turning into you having to hold your skirt up to your stomach with the same arm that you used to muffle the sounds coming from your mouth. 

The spread of Toji’s hands wrapped around your legs could almost fit the spread plush of your thick thighs, as they rested against the countertop. 

His touch was warm against your skin, yet not comparable to how hot his mouth felt against his tongue worked against your clit. 

He licked and sucked like he had craved the taste of you, not even a few days apart, and yet he would never admit how much he had missed you. “Relax honey I gotcha” Toji spoke with a rasp from between your thighs.

A whine parted from your lips as he made do with his fingers pressing into you with a shuddering sound of your arousal sucking the digits in deeper, distracting you with his thumb rubbing against your clit.

All you could do was melt against his touch alluring, holding yourself up against the counter with the bend of your other arm. 

When you had repositioned yourself to knot your hand into a fistful of Toji’s hair, had you seen the small squares from the tiles being pressed into your skin like patterns indented into your flesh. 

Toji hand trailed up your leg hooking at your knee and pushing it up to place one leg up against the counter for better access between your legs. 

His fingers wandered high, up past your waist finding the hem of your shirt, and sneaking under to find your bra needing your breast under the cups enticing a small cute noise of encouragement from you.

The wet noises from his fingers pistoning in and out of you quickly filled the small room, with the feeling of his other circling against the bud of your nipple, and the sensitivity to his touch was promising your orgasm was quick to come. 

And then the door handle rattled, and your body went rigid. 

Your hands flew to the knob of the sink, turning the water on to drain out your own noise of wetness squelching against Toji's fingers. 

His lips pulled away from yours down under, and you shuddered at the sight of him crouched down with his lips glossed and eyes glazed over, watching his dark eyes glance at the door before flickering to look at you with a smirk. 

The interruption came in the form of your cousin behind the door making a fuss about you hiding away from everyone, their voice heard insulting you for being so antisocial.

“Okay, I’ll be out soon.” You had tried to shout but part of your words struggled as your hips jerked. Toji’s fingers are inside of you, finally understanding the mischievousness behind his smile still looking at you as if he were observing. 

“Girl hurry up, don't make me tell your mom you’re out here locking doors!”

Your head fell back against the wall, cursing your family for being the world's biggest cockblocks. 

Toji stood to his feet, pressing his face against your neck nuzzling his chin against your nape. You tilted your head to the side to make more of the kisses that he trailed to the expose of your collarbone. 

“Let’s make this quick.” He whispered into your ear, sending a shiver up your spine that had you arching away from the wall pressing into his chest. 

It took your brain a moment to process what he had meant behind the suggestion, startled at the sudden push of his tip being replaced by his fingers too far gone to even hear him undo his belts and unzip his pants. 

The thrust of his hips made a punched noise come from your throat, a noise that your cousin would have definitely heard from behind the door if it weren't for Toji pressing his palm against your mouth. 

His hand kept your chorus of whimpers to a minimum, trembling at how effective his pace was. 

Your arms wrapped around the arm holding your mouth shut, “Come on princess, you gotta let it go.” 

The tingles that followed after the nickname had your eyes rolling, pressing them closed tight to the point where you were seeing stars.

Too far gone to worry about the death grip you had against Toji’s forearm, your nails making crescent marks into his pale skin as your orgasm had finally been coaxed out of you. 

Your body trembled as Toji held your hips in place to keep you from falling off the countertop. 

He hummed as your thighs trapped him against you for a beat longer, planting him in place until you had come down from your high letting your legs part. 

The first thing you processed was Toji caressing your face softly, waiting for your eyes to open before pulling you in for a quick kiss. 

“You owe me.” He placed another kiss against your temple. “Big time.” and then you were once more empty. 

Blinking you realized Toji was tucking himself back into his pants, making an effort to appear like he hadn't just done a quickie with his best friend's daughter in their family bathroom. 

Watching as he shifted his hands through his pants, trying to reposition himself so it wasn't obvious that he had an erection. 

Toji was a gentleman as he helped you slip your panties back on, having to hop from the counter to shimmy them back on over your thighs. 

“I think I officially hate my family.” You exhale, reaching towards Toji for one final hug pressing against his very obvious dick print.

The spread of his palm meeting your entire face, the man swerving your embrace instead spinning to face the door. 

“Yeah yeah,” he muttered, carrying no real threat in his tone instead teasing you by pulling you with your back against his chest and pressing himself against your leg.

“Just know I’m only being a gentleman because your family is here but next time I won't be as merciful.”

🔖 @tojidilfs @s-witch-bitch @chloee0x0 @kawatabae @haitaniwhor3 @pluzo @hey-gurls69 @momoewn @kogoshidied @disaster-rose @hoohoohope @pidwidge @jadeisthirsting @zuuki @watyousayin @tojishugetiddies @rumi-rants @justanotherkpopstanlol @awkwardaardvarkforever @lexiinanime @melty-kisses @kageyama-i-want-tobiors @kiyomeichann @wenumsmol @unholybabyface @ficti0nalslxt @namidaass @princesstiti14 @watyousayin @crissteetee @ziggy-09 @anotherlovelyruin

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[coochiequeens]

https://torontosun.com/news/local-news/warmington-female-rugby-players-complain-trans-opponent-hits-too-hard

Female rugby players are not used to feeling like they have been hit by a bus on the field. Or a truck.

A veteran female rugby player, who plays for the Stoney Creek Camels senior women’s team, said she was hit so hard in a recent game, it felt like a man delivering the tackle.

This transgender player, known as Ash — said to have registered as a non-binary person who identifies as female — stands about 5-foot-10 and weighs up to 220 pounds. 

“We are women,” said a female player on the receiving end of a tackle. “It’s a whole other thing playing rugby against men.” 

Or one who used to be — especially one of that size, who is also said to have been an MVP at the men’s level just last season. 

“I had never been hit like that before, even at the competitive women’s level,” said the player. “There was so much more brute force. There are women who are bigger than him, but no girl hits like that. This is a strong human.” 

“The player is a nice person, but that is not the point,” said the female player. “We are now at a disadvantage.”

This story has sparked a lot of discussion within the rugby community – many comparing it to the Leah Thomas swimming issue in the United States. But as one female player pointed out, competitive swimmers have their own lane and there are no collisions. In rugby, it’s all collisions, all the time. She said Ash’s legs are massive and strong, and “you feel the hits from (them) the next day.”

Diana Murphy a friend of some of the players, tweeted: “Three women’s rugby players had to be removed from a game and treated for injuries from hits sustained by a transwoman” and that she feels “Trans have no place in women’s sports.” Rugby Canada said there were no illlegal hits, but sources in the game said Ash received a yellow card from the referee for a hit to the head of one female player. Ash was pulled from the game. Players said they are not clear whether it was at the insistence of the referee or the Fergus coach. Either way, Rugby Canada said this is a federal inclusion issue and not only is this transgender player welcomed in the league, but the law protects that person from discrimination.

“We are aware of the matter in question but would advise that Rugby Canada has received no formal complaints,” said Managing Director Tania Richards. “All rugby played in Canada abides by federal government laws which regulates inclusion in sports."

She said there were no players hurt and there were no illegal hits as has been suggested on social media. What there has been, said Richards, is online harassment of the transgender player. The Fergus club has not yet responded, but has forwarded our request to speak with Ash. Meanwhile, there are some players who feel they should not have to play against someone who was recently considered male, but are afraid to reveal their identities for fear of being targeted or cancelled themselves.

All sides use the word “complicated” when talking about this matter. Rugby Ontario sent a communique to members, saying “for those who attended Sunday’s board meeting, you are aware of some concerns that have arisen about player safety in the context of a transplayer playing in club games” and “we are working closely with Rugby Canada senior staff on the matter and are together developing action and communication plans, informed by the counsel of their third-party crisis management PR agency.” They also asked, “if you are contacted by anyone in the community or the media, please do not engage by offering any opinion or comment on the situation.” What they don’t seem to be doing is fully accepting there are some female players who don’t feel comfortable going up against a transitioning opponent in a physical sport where size and strength play a role. One player said the collision she had with trans player Ash was unlike any other impact she has felt in all her years playing rugby.

[ravenbloodshot]

Yuzuru Hanyu (Figure Skater)- Mini Personality + Divorce Reading

Personality

I heard the word "fraud." I was already getting vibes that he may be a compulsive liar or the type to manipulate the truth. He may also make himself seem a certain away. The thing is, I'm not picking up a reason for why he lies. So it could be that he finds it easier to lie/passive others than he does being direct and potentially coming off as aggressive to ppl.

I don't know if he has some type of coach/mentor (its likely he does), this prominent person has been someone who's advised and guided Yuzuru through the most difficult aspects of his athletic career. Yuzuru may hold a lot of respect for this person as well. He listens to this person and accepts their guidance. He's someone that receives information really well (idk how to explain this but, I'm a boxing fan and I've been particularly watching Claressa Shields boxing matches, I remember her coach and even her fans saying what made her such a great boxer was her ability to take critique well and actually listen, then follow what was said to her. To give more context to my point, during one of her matches, her coach would yell out things to her like, "Keep your head up, Claressa, make sure to step back some." And she would literally follow the coach's exact words even adding a bit of her own jazz to it.) This is the energy Yuzuru gives me, an athlete that listens well to his coaching. May have something to do with the Japanese social/age hierarchy culture, in which people have to show a deeper respect to those older/more experienced.

He may have a fear of losing his wealth, understandably so, since I believe he has retired and now will have to live off of the money he's made over his athletic career. But this fear of his may cause him to not make smart financial choices. Like, instead of investing his money and trying to go through other avenues of gaining and ultimately maintaining his wealth, he may just start being more frugal. (Idk if he supports his family but I'm getting a vibe of him taking away gifts, for an example if he bought his mom a lavish car, he may have taken it back and gotten a cheaper one).

I feel like he has a weird mentality when it comes to fixing issues. It's like he has a traditional mindset of "This way of handling this issue didn't work, so I'm gonna just go back to doing it the way I used to." I don't think he's very smart, if I'm being honest. He's probably better at doing what he's told than to actually think for himself

Divorce

Well, this is simple. Whomever he married was too insecure and controlling. The type to put a tracker on his phone and still demand that he tells her his location.

Like I alluded above, Yuzuru is more passive and honestly not that smart. So he could have put up with a lot of her demands and shenanigans, may have even thought the behavior was cute during the dating stage until it wasn't.

Yuzuru's fans could have had a part to play in why it ended. Harrassing the couple and just made life hard for both of them, especially her. Not saying Yuzuru can control his fans, but I'm getting a vibe that he didn't exactly try to control them either. He kind of just let shit happen. Even when they were shit talking her online or sending hate her way, he never stepped in.

But overall, he married someone who wanted to be more of a dictator than a partner, someone who was not mentally stable.

La La La by Naughty Boy is a song that fits this reading's energy

[amtrak12]

Sooooooo much fucking drama in women's artistic gymnastics right now.

I don't know why everyone is yelling at Nadia Comaneci like she's personally responsible for every nasty, racist thing being shouted at Jordan. She (rightfully) pointed out the floor judging was a bit fucked all the way around and that one of the Romanian gymnasts should've gotten Bronze. She never once said anything about Jordan afaik?

I DEFINITELY don't know why Will Graves of AP news is vague tweeting about Nadia and blaming her. Like WTF dude, aren't you a professional journalist????

This appeals court decision to STRIP Jordan of her bronze medal WHEN LITERALLY NOT EVEN ROMANIA WAS ARGUING FOR THAT is so fucked OMG

If it's so easy to prove Jordan's score inquiry was made 4 seconds too late THEN WHY THE FUCK DID THE JUDGES EVER ACCEPT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

I cannot fucking believe Voinea's coaches didn't inquire about the neutral deduction at the time. Did they really think she went OOB too or did they not realize you can inquire NDs? (Which if true is :S Literally half your job is to know the current code and rules???)

(Though by all accounts Voinea has been racist af online since EF so I'm not mad that her complaint was completely dismissed.)

Ana Barbosu has publicly handled this heartbreaking mess with grace and sportsmanship (and her routine is my favorite of the three in question), so I'm very happy if FIG does indeed award her a Bronze medal -- BUT THAT'S A SHARED BRONZE MEDAL, RIGHT FIG? Because I can't handle stripping Jordan of her medal, that seems so fucked by this point and afaik there is no precedent for such a thing, so it would be weird to set one now.

No seriously it would be a VERY VERY weird precedent to allow other competitors to challenge successful inquiries. Is that really going to be the new norm now? Or was it already happening and I just wasn't aware of it? (easy to happen, I'm not a 4 year fan but I also don't know enough to be a true gymnerd)

Who the fuck is running World Champions Centre official Twitter account because they need to log off NOW (and maybe get banned from ever touching official social media accounts again.)

Actually everyone involved in gymnastics needs massive media training pronto :S

[hyenabeanz]

immediate thoughts on new PWHL MN GM are:

someone has a modicrum of sense and realized they needed to be sure to hire a) a woman and b) someone from Minnesota or there would have been zero chance of acceptance.

I notice they picked someone with what looks like no coaching or playing experience. Spit balling here, but that reads to me as someone who will defer to coaching staff for things like draft picks and actual hockey vs. administrative stuff. I imagine that was on purpose and am annoyed, because Ken Klee (and kcs of the reporting was accurate but who knows) getting their way on that is kind of icky. On the other hand, I do wonder if we had the opposite with Darwitz where she did all the hockey stuff and the admin lagged (Darwitz clearly did an amazing job leveraging her connections to get Tria Rink and the Xcel and things like good medical staff, but I feel marketing things like MN's social media has lagged hard compared to other teams. I guess it's possible our team just has zero personality to draw from, but the existence of Maggie Flaherty, Amanda Leveille, and Taylor Heise says otherwise. And that stuff is important too for success.)

I do notice though she's from St. Paul, her actual Minnesota hockey connections seem light (Minnesota doesn't have an AHL team; the Wild's AHL affiliate is in Iowa.) I would bet this is also on purpose/they couldn't get anyone, and may hamstring the team a bit. If Sydney Brodt isn't re-signed (which I think is certainly fair and possible; I don't think she's *that* good; not bad but this league is so cutthroat,) their connections to longstanding Minnesota hockey royalty will be largely gone. Stecklein and Pannek are still there, but those names don't have the weight/legacy/history of Darwitz and Brodt.

A lot of this is idle speculation based on what I know of my state culturally and contextually. It's not fact. Is also possible there's other things about Caruso that make this analysis off.

Either way, I truly wish her luck cuz I like when hockey is fun and not filled with shitty drama. I just wanna watch hot awesome women chase a stupid rubber thing on ice while shoving each other brutally onto boards. 😤

[misty-caligula]

I gotta say, I do not understand where people are getting the idea that Misty is some master big brained manipulator.

Like... is she manipulatIVE? Absolutely, no doubt at ALL, it’s the way she knows to interact with people. Because like, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN EVERYONE FUCKING HATES YOU. Literally when you take a child and you relentlessly beat them down and neglect them and tell them to their face that they’re unacceptable and weird and wrong and broken then they learn to never ever ever ever show their true face to you. That’s literally personality disorder construction 101.

But besides that, is she a master incredible manipulator who gets people to do what she wants with fakery and acting? Well.. is she?

Look at teen!Misty. The ONLY time she’s ever accepted by anybody is when she’s helping somehow. When she’s doing medicine in particular. And she’s still treated as bizarre for knowing how to, just bizarre and also useful. But beyond that?

Every single time she tries to get close to Coach he pulls away. Every time she puts on that smile he flinches back. When she trips him, when she poisons him, when she doses the stew, he knows IMMEDIATELY. And everyone around them notices too, they see what she’s doing with Coach and they’re just not sure what to do with it.

When she tries to manipulate Kristen into keeping quiet she literally dies. She comes back to the cabin and is immediately suspect by girls who barely even know her, and when she tries to lead a rescue party they don’t buy her shtick for a second. She tries to manipulate Coach into living and fails so hard, and only manages to pull him back by FINALLY giving it up.

Adult!Misty. Her coworkers seem to dislike her quite a bit, they do not buy her constant cheeriness. Her date, Stan, IMMEDIATELY wants to leave, and her tactics against him are so obvious but he is too weak to break through the social awkwardness she’s putting him into. Every time she tries her tactics on Nat she gets what she’s doing so fast. Admittedly, her trick with the cigarettes DID work on Jessica, that’s a notable outlier. She had to beg Nat to go to the reunion with her, she barged her way into the cult compound with sheer bluster and then refused to engage with the actual program. Like... what I’m saying is... NOBODY buys what she’s selling. Pretty much ever.

If she was a ~~~~master manipulator~~~~ then she’d fly under the radar. She’d be loved by many people who thought they knew her really well, while they don’t know a damn thing about her. She’d mirror people back to themselves effectively, she’d be an expert with body language and subtle cues, she’d never say what she was actually thinking and what she actually wanted. She’d craft a delicate web and let the flies catch themselves. That’s what makes the cigarette packet stand out, because Jessica talked herself into it.

Misty’s problem is that she’s way too readable, she can’t help herself. She pathologically cannot read the damn room, she can’t work out how to actually get what she needs. She does TRY to manipulate a lot, she lies a lot, but it basically never works. People just roll their eyes and give her what she clearly wants. This isn’t master manipulation so much as it is making a fuss and being easier to just appease than to fight on it.

[tomhollandnet]

[Article may contain mild spoilers.]

“The show, at heart, is a psychological thriller; it is a [series] that navigates this incredibly complicated criminal case with twists and turns at the end of every episode,” Holland said.

But he also acknowledges that the series delves into other genres like whodunnits. As an actor, he said, “it’s really challenging to try and find a way to navigate all of those different genres,” but that “I really like problem solving. It’s one of the aspects of the job I enjoy most.”

Holland’s job is to make the audience sympathize with him and believe that someone with his stature and mannerisms would never willfully harm innocent people. And, since the story is largely told in flashbacks, this meant assessing Danny’s movements both before and after his arrest.

“His physicality was a really important part of bringing him to life,” Holland said. “He has a vast spectrum when it comes to his different types of physicality for different situations … He’s an incredibly volatile character with incredible highs and devastating lows. And I loved playing him in the middle; I thought the subtleties of that character were so fun to try and figure out.”

The actor understood that his own body type allowed for some of this. Best known for playing the also-frequently-socially-awkward superhero Peter Parker in the Spider-Man and Avengers movies where his character is often referred to as “the boy,” he conceded that “I’m a small person; like you put me next to [physically larger Marvel actors] Chris Pratt and Dave Bautista, I look like their son.”

But, with Danny, the actor said “I just wanted him to feel little.” For the scenes when Danny’s in high school, he said, “he does come across like he was the smallest kid in school.”

The British actor also worked with dialect coach Rick Lipton to find the right cadence and accent for a child with this background who also grew up during the 1970s and in the New York City suburbs.

“We went through so many different versions of his voice; some where he was a little more nasally at times and then he was really soft spoken at times,” Holland said, “and we found this middle ground that was tricky because it was somewhat similar to that of Peter Parker. So we decided to really slow down his cadence.”

Seyfried’s Rya also comes into this story with something to prove, and it’s not just Danny’s innocence. A single mother working in a man’s world, Rya becomes hugely invested in Danny’s case.

Seyfried said she prepared for the part by watching a lot of Jane Fonda movies from that era, like Klute and The China Syndrome because “I needed some empowered, late ’70s, ball-busting, unapologetic-woman vibe. And she nails that.”

“My character’s so empowered in a lot of ways and and doesn’t let the men in her career bury her,” Seyfried continued. “She’s the most insanely curious and compassionate woman. And she’s really exactly what Danny Sullivan needs. And it’s fate that they meet, and its fate that she’s allowed to come on board and investigate what’s really going on from a really sympathetic and empathetic place.”

But Rya is not perfect and there are moments, like when she’s working until 10 p.m. and just realizing that her son is still up and watching TV, that are pretty much asking some audience members to judge her.

“She knows a healthy relationship with her son; she knows what that looks like,” Seyfried said. “And she’s not going to give up her dreams to stay at home because she knows that that’s not healthy either.”

The actress, who has two children with husband and actor Thomas Sadoski, added that “it’s bananas that it still seems like we’re not equipped yet as a society to accept both parents being out having job.” (Sadoski also appears in The Crowded Room, playing police officer Matty Dunn).

Other forms of parental guilt and conflict are seen in Emmy Rossum’s portrayal of Danny’s mother, Candy (something the actress and real-life parent also felt, especially since she found out she was pregnant with her second child while filming this show’s penultimate episode).

As the flashbacks travel to the present day, The Crowded Room shows Candy go from a devoted mother who struggles to be there for her son to a stressed out and dead-eyed nurse who sees no way out of her marriage to a man she hates (Danny’s step-dad, Will Chase’s Marlin).

Rossum has worked with age makeup on projects like Peacock’s Angelyne, but said that aging her character over a 10-year-span for The Crowded Room wasn’t so much about getting older. Even though the character at the end of the series is younger than Rossum is now, she said you can see the “wear and tear of smoking, stress, and addiction.”

“We watch as the family secrets and decisions and mistakes that she makes have a really lasting impact on their lives and ended up shattering the bond that is the most profound to her,” Rossum said and added that audiences will see “the parallels that we learn about mother and son and how they’ve both learned how to survive what she calls a cruel world.”

She said she and Holland “talked a lot about how to play denial; how to know something and also not know it at the same time. Because the very state of consciously knowing that thing would be so deeply unsettling and uprooting to your existence and your life and your sense of yourself.”

The crux of Danny’s case lies with his friend Ariana (Sasha Lane), a character he claims actually pulled the trigger but is now MIA. Flashbacks show Ariana revealing to Danny that her childhood was just as dark as his, although she has a more of a keen fight-or-flight response.

Lane, who has a history of doing dark programming with movies like American Honey and has also been outspoken about issues that she’s gone through in her personal life, said that she didn’t feel any added responsibility to do a show like this because “I have to remind myself that, if I were to say that to myself, it might make me feel like giving myself too much weight.”

However, she said “a big part of the reason that I pushed so hard to be a part of this, and wanted it so bad, is because I knew that I would give the care and the passion to someone like Ariana that I felt she deserved.”

She and Holland also like what the show says about our biases toward who we naturally perceive to be innocent or guilty. The trailer sets up a theory that Holland’s Danny is a serial killer and Ariana is one of his victims. In the series, attorneys argue over whether Danny is being given more leniency and attention simply because of his race and gender.

“You’ve always got to dig a little deeper [because] there’s always something that you, yourself, are never going to be aware of about another individual,” she said. “It doesn’t matter how deeply, and how openly, they’ve spoken about something. It doesn’t matter what you were physically seeing in front of your face. You will never have someone else’s personal experience.”

[zaeliaeve]

ꜰʟᴏʀᴇꜱ [ꜱᴇʀɢɪᴏ ʀᴀᴍᴏꜱ] Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: this is purely fiction and there are things that will be inaccurate to real life. This is all for fun! I do not speak Spanish so please excuse any mistranslations, I literally just used Google translate haha. Thanks for reading!

2009

There are two things in this world that everyone can agree to hate mutually. The first being twenty three year old Sergio Ramos; the long haired defense player with a loud mouth and short temper seems to rile everyones feathers. Perhaps one of the worst things about him is his immense talent, meaning everyone will just have to put up with him because he knows with his skill, he is not going anywhere.

The second thing this world hates is nepotism, and who wouldn't? Nobody likes the lazy bosses son walking around the office being the nuisance that you can't say anything to just because he hit the family lottery. Nepotism is a direct reminder that life is unfair and favors some more than others.

Catalina Flores didn't feel life favored her most of the time. There was never anything special about her, no dazzling beauty that would get her anything she wanted; nor spectucular social skills that would let her build the friendships she always wanted. All she had ever been seen as was invisible. Catalina's life had been a lonely one and that was no secret to anyone around her.  

Perhaps that's why her father's sister, Maria took pity on her and offered her a job with the team her husband coaches. A photographer for Real Madrid. 

There was a couple of things that made Catalina hesitant to accept the kind gesture.

Number one, too big of a stage at only twenty years old. Photography is something Catalina has and always taken seriously, but to go from doing what she has been compared to one of the biggest football teams in the world is a lot of pressure, rightfully so. Maria assured her that there would be other photographers there and that all the weight didn't land on her shoulders souly. 

Number two, was Catalina even good enough? There is many photos she's proud of, but like anyone around her age she makes mistakes. When she was sixteen she shot her brothers birthday party completely out of focus and the ones there were in focus were totally unflattering. That's something that always creeps back into her brain as she's trying to fall asleep at night. So embarrassing. Her aunt shushes those thoughts as she reminders Catalina of the photography contests she has won in recent years. 

Truthfully, she felt a bit guilty taking the offer but to say no is something she feared would regret. Although football is not something she had ever necessarily cared about, it was a huge opportunity. It's not something she felt truly unqualified for. Why not just see how it goes?

On Catalina's first day it was luckily a bit easier. They were only training, and truthfully only needed shots for their new star player, Cristiano Ronaldo. who brought a lot of good press for the team.

Dark purple circles lay under Catalina's eyes as proof of the sleepless night she had prior, tossing and turning with anxiety of the day to come. The black camera bag strapped around her body felt heavier than usual, blocking the badge her uncle gave as permession to be there. 

The training grounds felt massive and unfamiliar, she couldn't imagine what it felt like to be inside the actual stadium. There was a sweet older lady who showed Catalina the way outside where the players had yet to assemble onto the pitch.

That is when Catalina took the time to prepare her camera, adjusting it to the settings she deemed best as not to repeat her brothers birthday incident all those years ago. One by one each player shuffled out onto the field in their training clothes, all smiles as the sun beamed against their skin.

It was only then Catalina realized how unprepared she was.  I really should have googled their names before this. She made a mental note to study their faces and names tonight. The only one she could point out was Cristiano, who she knew was a big deal for the club. 

Anytime she could catch the Portuguese star flashing his bright teeth or with the lighting just right she made sure to snap an extra picture. There seemed to be one player being rougher than the rest, slapping the back of his teammates heads, or outright tackling them to the floor with a wide smile plastered on his face. 

"Get off of me Sergio! What have you been eating, gordito?" One with large curly hair laughed, slapping at the long haired one's sides.

Sergio. Sergio. Sergio  Catalina repeatedhis name over and over in her head as to not forget it as she captured the duos tussle back and forth on the grass.

It ended with another one coming in plopping on the both of them, causing both of the players to groan in pain. That's when the coach came in and told them finish the task at hand, and they followed orders accordingly but Catalina didn't miss Sergio getting one last smack on the back of the brunettes neck.

Apparently, Cristiano didn't miss it either as he busted out laughing before quickly putting a hand over his mouth to restrain himself.

 Click click click

The team seemed to know when to calm down as for the rest of practice they took their jobs seriously without it being a drag. Of course they still had fun, but not too distractingly.  

One with a buzzcut stopped to smile and wave at her very briefly in the middle of running up and down the field. Catalina's lips upturned as she waved at him back with her free hand, the other gripping the large camera for dear life. 

Click click click

Catalina felt she got pretty good shots of them all, a small weight lifted off of her shoulders. Maybe it wasn't as big of a disaster as she thought. 

The sun was setting so she knew it was almost time to go. The last thing they were doing was shooting balls across to each other in random pairs. As Catalina went to adjust her settings to accommodate the now deep orange sun, there was suddenly loud shouting all at once "cuidado!"

Before she could even process what they were saying, a large round object bounced off of her forehead; the force of it sending her backwards onto the soft grass. Instinctively she held her arm up to make sure her camera didn't fall as hard as she did. 

Many players rushed to the side where Catalina layed on the ground, looking up at the white clouds above. "Are you okay? I'm so sorry! " Number 3 gasped as he leaned over her, blocking her view of the sky. 

Soon, each cloud got blocked by a member of the team's head, faces filled with worry as they looked down to the girl below them. All she could feel was the throbbing of her eye and scalp. "Pepe hijo de puta!" The buzzcut one exclaimed as he hit number 3's shoulder from beside him.

In the dead center of Catalina's vision she seen Sergio with the faintest smirk on his face. It felt like for a split second, time froze and all she could feel was this man laughing at her. Suddenly reality came crashing back to Catalina and she sat up abruptly, almost headbutting Sergio in the process. "I'm fine, it's no worries. You have really great aim, this is good for the team right?" Catalina tried to laugh it off, although her tone was unconvincing.

The curly haired one ruffled her dark locks in a way that commended her for being a good sport. Catalina could feel her face was heating up from not only the pain, but the huge feeling of  embarrassment creeping into her chest. Slowly they backed off, but Pepe stayed and apologized profusely. 

Catalina waved it off with a smile and assured him that she truly was okay. In the background she could hear number 11 running to get something that she would quickly find out is an ice pack.

As she pressed the cool fabric to her eye all she could think about was Sergio's face staring back down at her.

[northernmariette]

Bernadotte, a traitor? A personal opinion.

It's still Bernadotte's birthday for a few minutes as I start this, so here is my offering for today's birthday boy.

Here is my inexpert, insufficiently researched opinion about Bernadotte being, or not being, a traitor. Right off the bat, a traitor to whom, to what? To Napoléon? To France? In my opinion, he was a traitor to neither. I might be all over the place with this, so please bear with my disorganised rambling.

Someone much wiser than I am wrote something, somewhere, that there are no unmixed motives. So did Bernadotte act from completely noble motives? I doubt it. Were his actions justified after he became heir to the Swedish Throne? In my opinion, yes.

Because there are some people who think that it was inappropriate for Bernadotte to marry Désirée Clary, I will put this to rest right from the get-go. Napoléon had dumped Désirée. He had *dumped* her. He had done so when it was much more serious to break up an engagement than it is now. So Napoléon had no claim at all anymore on Désirée. At the time of her marriage to Bernadotte, Napoléon was certainly more politically and socially prominent, but Bernadotte was no slouch himself.

Personally, I suspect Napoléon was not too proud of the way he had treated Désirée, and this is part of the reason he went easy (sort of) on Bernadotte, a general he disliked, if not more. Similarly Bernadotte had no great affection for Napoléon. These two never got along. Napoléon did not like rivals, for one thing, and Bernadotte had had a successful military career himself and was politically ambitious.

Anyway, enough about the early days. It is well known that Bernadotte had treated his Swedish prisoners well during the napoleonic campaigns, and that this created a very favourable impressions at the Swedish court. In 1810, when Bernadotte was asked to become the Crown Prince of Sweden he was in disfavour with Napoléon and perhaps felt that there was no future for him in France. The Swedish offer must have seemed a gift from Heaven. As I see it, here was his chance to get out from under Napoleon's thumb, acquire some elbow room and satisfy his own political ambitions. Still, he sought Napoleon's consent before accepting the offer. I hardly see any traitorous action yet.

Bernadotte was not naïve about the reasons for the Swedish offer. Russia had just wrested Finland from Sweden, and the Swedes wanted a military man to wrest it back. Bernadotte chose another path: he came to an agreement with Russia, and increased Sweden's territory by seizing Norway instead.

Here is where we get into the whole treason business: it was expected that once Bernadotte assumed de facto rule In Sweden, which happened immediately as the King was no longer fit to reign, he would remain faithful to the interests of France. Bernadotte looked to the interests of Sweden instead. In other words, he refused to keep one foot in each camp and brought both feet into the Swedish camp. In my opinion, this was the right thing to do.

Let me offer this metaphor : suppose you have this legendary sports team. Just for the heck of it, let's say the Montreal Canadiens hockey team. It includes many star players, one of which spent his long career on this team, all the while with a coach who just loved to browbeat him. Then the star player gets a dream offer to become a coach himself for a less prestigious team, but with carte blanche to mold it according to his own ideas and principles. Would this new coach act properly if he enjoined his players to go easy on his former team, just because he owed his fame to his time there as a player? My answer is no, no, no, no! The new coach's loyalty has to be to his present team, the one who wanted him as a coach; anything else would be wrong.

This is an oversimplification, of course, and I have no doubt that jealousy and resentment played a part in Bernadotte's choices. However, on the face of it I am convinced Bernadotte acted properly by protecting the interests of his new country. If the interests of Sweden lay with joining a coalition against Napoléon, then this was the proper decision for Bernadotte to make.

If I were to study Bernadotte's life in greater depth, something I would like to do, I might come to another opinion. In the meantime, I see no treason in his putting Sweden's interests first.

[granulesofsand]

I don’t know how to feel about the phrase ‘trauma dumping’. We’ve been in therapy and therapeutic programs for years, and collapsed boundaries was one of the first lessons we were taught.

It’s uncomfortable to have strangers lean on you. I don’t love the lack of consent when people share out of the blue. But if they didn’t, if we didn’t, people would be dead.

Nobody has a responsibility for anyone else’s happiness, but there is a level of compassion I expect that is all too often missing.

We almost died, we’re brought back from the brink, several times in our childhood. We could have told someone. Nobody encouraged disclosure, but plenty enforced silence.

I’ve sat with strangers on the train while they told their life story and I was barely living. I would rather repeat that a thousand times over than have them step onto the tracks instead. Seen that too.

I can respect that not everyone feels the same. It’s not fair to expect a person to prioritize another’s wellbeing over their own. But I see the assumption changing to ‘not my problem’ when maybe it should be.

I’ve had mental health counselors tell me they didn’t want to hear about sh or suicide attempts. There were teachers who told us to look the other way with a pedophile coach.

Sometimes it is your problem. Even people who refuse to see homelessness and disability, who insist that abuse is rare or exaggerated. That’s not okay. Why do they get to turn away from our suffering?

It is an active injustice to gloss over us so they don’t have to be uncomfortable. I don’t want their discomfort to take precedent over our safety.

I don’t understand where the line is, when it’s self-care to create distance versus when there’s a social duty to help. I don’t want to hurt bystanders, but I will die if this continues.

It’s not a distant possibility. We are never more than two missteps from fatality, and we are not alone. I want to scream, but I don’t know if that behavior is allowed.

Is it morally acceptable to fight for my life? How close to the edge do we have to be for us to be considered endangered?

And past that, our whole external life is trauma. Any aspect that we could cast in a positive light must be filtered. Even talking about my internal life is some shade of lie.

I can’t make connections without common ground, I don’t have any common ground without my trauma. We’re learning to watch current media and navigate social settings, but it takes so long to form any meaningful bond. It’s disingenuous without the past seeping in.

Is that normal? We’re still working on friendship without trauma-bonding. We’ve never done that before. All of our friends knew early on. People don’t like us without the context, we are weird. The ones who can already know, the way like knows like.

I don’t know when life will stop being trauma. It seems like it won’t. I’m walking a wall in the dark. I can grasp that I’m being dramatic, but this applies to every part of our life. I don’t want to be alone again.

[privilege-rpg]

BREE BROWN

☆ FULL NAME: Bree Bianca Brown ☆ GENDER: Ciswoman ☆ PRONOUNS: She/Her ☆ AGE: 25 (February 6th, 1999) ☆ BIRTH ORDER: Third ☆ TYPE: Full sibling; twin ☆ HOMETOWN: Brentwood, California ☆ SCHOOL: Mathematics Doctoral Student ☆ SEXUALITY: Pansexual ☆ FACECLAIM: Bree Brown

ABOUT BREE

As the youngest Brown child, Bree had always been the most spoiled of her siblings, she is affectionately referred to as Princess Bree by her father, so what do you expect? While she is the spitting image of her mother, it's her paternal grandmother she seems to take after, a former NASA computer, Grandma was a literal math genius and that trait seemed to be passed down to her youngest grandchild. Of course, being academically gifted wasn't enough for Simone and she put her child in as many performing arts classes a three year old could attend. Immediately, Bree took to dance. So, she ended up in dance, acrobatics, gymnastics and cheerleading.

While she progressed at an impressive rate in them all, it was cheerleading she seemed to like the most. As she grew older, she seemed to inherit her maternal grandfather's ability to sing. Being talented, smart and beautiful meant her mother saw a real future in pageants. Bree had zero interest but from the ages of seven to twelve she paraded around so well she won 60% of the pageants she entered, despite that being a spectacular stat, her mother viewed it as subpar and finally let her retire.

Once she hit middle school, she was taking cheerleading more seriously, and while her mother would have preferred her to focus on honing her popstar skills, she deemed cheer an acceptable path. Which meant she needed to be on the best of the best team come high school. And anyone who's anyone in the cheer world knew Sue Sylvester was the only cheer coach with a team worth being on, if you wanted to best. It was the mot challenging four year of Bree's life, but with the eyes of the world on her she couldn't afford to misstep even a millimeter, and that was stressful but it did aid in making her one of the best tumblers on the squad and pride and praise she got from that was worth all the blood sweat and tears.

Now, you'd think her next move would be college or professional cheer, but no, Bree wanted to go to college but she wanted to go for Mathematics. While she loved cheer she didn't see her future in it. To her, her future was Math and maybe social media. So despite her mother's protests she attended Standford for her undergrad and MIT for her master's. Just when her mother thought she was done, she broke the news that she would be getting her doctorate at PSU.

Living her whole life in the spotlight has had it's ups and downs and she didn't always love the parenting decisions her parents made, but she can appreciate that they set her up for success. Thanks to them, and Coach Sylvester, she is an unstoppable force, who can work both her angle and a geometric angle. Beautiful, smart and talented is her million dollar brand and she's worked her whole life to earn her name and she won't let anything get in the way of that. So when it comes to her personal relationships she is very private and cautious. While everyone of import knows she's pansexual, the public does not and while she only cares about vibes when it comes to her friends, publically she sticks to who her management tells her to stick with. It's exhausting, but she doesn't know anything else.

FAMILY BACKGROUND

Maxwell Brown is the most awarded black actor the academy has ever had and Simone Brown, professionally known as just Simone, was the Supermodel of the 80s and 90s. So, naturally these two superstars crossed paths. While their relationship started off as PR to promote their romance movie (think this universes The Bodyguard), it didn't take long for them to fall in love for real. Soon they were married and had started a family. Not only were they household names, but soon their children would be too. The constant pressure to appear perfect was something Maxwell and Simone inherited in their parenting. They loved their children but as people there were hypercritical, self involved, overprotective and self righteous. With the world's eyes on them, being a Brown wasn't for the weak. All that privilege came at a price, but they could afford it.

[greenerteacups]

HI! Hello. I have risen from the void to scream my thoughts about the most recent chapter because It. Simply. Could. Not. Be. Contained. So um, spoilers for the people who hasn't read the book or the recent update. (You guys should please. It will change your lives.)

The drama is ramping up. The gang is fighting. Daphne is migrating friend groups and possibly upsetting the social hierarchy. Draco is slowly arriving to a conclusion about his feelings concerning a particular Golden Girl. AND. THE. DARLINGS. WALTZ.

I cannot breathe. This is so beautiful. What did you eat to be able to come up with such beautiful and interesting scenes? I will never, EVER, get over this fanfic. Please, I beg of you, share your thoughts during the process of writing this. UGHHHH.

And also Malfoy being so dramatically affected by his jealousy over Hermione getting a date for the Yule Ball with a boy that isn't him, will never not be funny to me. The fact that he quite litteraly momentarily disassociates when he hears of it and is plagued with horrible physical pains like he's suffered a gun shot wound in his stomach area, is just so dramatic and endearing. I can't get enough. He's so obviously gone for her it's honestly a little bit pathetic now (in an adorable way of course). Someone please put this boy out of his misery, the poor darling.

Hermione's jealousy and insecurity manifests more subtly than Malfoy but I appreciate it all the same. I feel a bit bad for her because I feel like she's been holding out for Draco to ask her to the ball and has been giving him hints in the library, but then he goes on obliviously and talks about getting someone 'suitable' for the ball, like the girl he was pining for wasn't standing right infront of him.

It was horrible watching her hopes get doused so quickly, and then seeing her rationalize it and think of his disinterest being something tied to her status as a muggle born. LIKE NO BABYGIRL. I SWEAR HE'S JUST DUMB.

I also really love Ginny trying to coach Draco into the right answer in regards to Daphne's offer. Draco fails to see the clues and puts his foot in his mouth again but I'm sure he'll get it someday. Probably. I'm also so excited to see Ginny take a more active role in the story later on. She's so interesting? And full of character and life? And also sort of really bisexual coded? Which means so much to me as an appreciator of both genders too.

And DAPHNE. I am slowly getting really attached to this girl. I can't help it! She didn't deserve Hermione's scorn at all! It was an honest offer without strings attached and, really—I mean, I love Hermione but she could've also had just asked Draco herself instead of passively waiting for him to suddenly start making good decisions in life.

Daphne's trying so hard to fit in and make better choices and break out of the dark path that most slytherins seem to never escape from. It would be so easy for her to just stay put and accept whatever protection Theo and Pansy could give her, in exchange for her acceptance regarding her demotion in the Slytherin social rank. But she doesn't! She chose to fling herself out of her comfort zone to reach out to better people who may be able to help her, even though she doesn't know them that well and is uncertain about her standing with them. That is so brave and admirable and easily taken for granted. My respect for her just flew off the charts.

I mean, Draco and Sirius were lucky to have been placed in houses that exposed them to different viewpoints and allow them to take that step into being a better person. However, Daphne was already on that questionable path and was stuck for years in an echo chamber of opinions that only serve to reaffirm her prejudiced worldview.

But she got out, somehow. She saw her home for what it was and decided that she didn't like it. And she actively chose to break away from a place that is familiar and stand up for herself and what is right. IT INDUCES WARM FEELINGS IN ME.

Also I have to mention the scene Daphne flirting with Hermione AND Ginny while Draco side eyes her, nauseated. I know it was from a previous chapter but honestly, I'm still not over it. I love queer characters in the HP universe, what can I say? I just sorta wish we could see more of Blaise. Like I know we only had that brief snippet of him but like, when he and Ron were bantering with each other in an almost flirtatious manner? ugsrhsuuswh sjsiwjsndnsjjr. I don't know if I hallucinated the flirting part but I swear there was Chemistry.

Okay, I'm going off topic and this ask is long enough as it is. But I just. I really wanted to show my appreciation. It didn't sit right with me to just sit down on my praise when I could just. Say it. So yeah. I love your work, basically.

(this is funny because this started as an ask wondering if you've heard of Détraquée by Hystaracal, which is another Dramoine Longfic but Hermione-centered and branches out into their adulthood. The way Draco is portrayed there is similar to the way you write Draco here, which is why it's also up there among my favourite fanfics. But then, I spiralled.)

(I'd also like to share my excitement about the fact that you have also read Birds Of a Feather. Because I did too and I loved it, even though I don't really like Tomione because I'm a monogamous shipper and I can't bear to read a fic in which Hermione or Draco is paired with anyone else (it's an annoying quirk mine that I'd like to curb but I can't help it. Exposure therapy isn't enough). But Birds of a Feather was an exception. I love it. I love Tom's delusional, narcissistic narrative and the way Hermione acts as his walking, talking moral compass. And I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment of Hermione being a loser who reads at lunch because yes. Absolutely.)

Thank you very much for such a detailed and thoughtful ask!

I'll just say a few words about the writing process, since you asked — I am very glad that you like the pacing in Lionheart, because pacing is a major focus for me when outlining and writing the fic. My rule is that every chapter has to do one (or more) of three things: (1) advance the plot; (2) develop the characters; and (3) tell the reader something new. Sometimes, if I'm struggling to advance a particular plotline, or grappling with a scene, I'll throw in a new character and let them bounce around, striking up new conflicts and dynamics. Daphne is one of those wonderful characters who can do that with just about anybody, and her role in Book 4 stems from her enormous utility in Doing That for the Golden Four.

It helps that her arc is thematically related to Draco's in a way that becomes much more prominent throughout Theo and Pansy's struggle with the League and their parental obligations: because Daphne's been infantilized by her parents, she's never been treated as a real agent in the way that Theo has, and she's been given this strange sort of ability to be apolitical. Theo has a line about this in "A Hairy Little Christmas," but Daphne is open-minded not because she's not prejudiced — she is! — but because her values are much more tied up in ideas of etiquette, conduct, charm, social graces, etc. Which means that when those things fail, and she can't charm her way out of something — like, for instance, the rumors surrounding her lycanthropy — her mind doesn't fill in, let alone justify, the political logic behind it; from her point of view, her friends are hurting and failing her, and they're the ones breaking the rules. It's a very different path than we see from Draco or Sirius in Lionheart, because they're torn between two worlds from square one. Their arcs are making a choice. But Daphne is forced out of her world — violently, and suddenly, in a way that reveals to her very abruptly just how shallow and cruel the tenets of that world really are— and she then has to cobble together some sort of existence outside it. Which she's trying to do — but it's a long road, and a painful one, especially when she has people like Theo and Pansy whom she loves, and who very much love her back, but still have both feet firmly planted in that rotten soil.

I do regret that Blaise hasn't made a reappearance; Book 4 is just so huge, as a text, and it's doing so much for the story, that I ended up cutting some throughlines from Book 3 (not permanently! I just shunted them into Books 5 and 6). Blaise makes a reappearance next year, but between the introduction of the Durmstrang and Beauxbatons characters, the tertiary cast ended up filling out. I had to make do with a few passing references, by way of Pansy, and Theo in a yet-unpublished chapter; I imagine that he's just having a grand old time in Slytherin, flirting up a storm, happily completing his education without getting dragged into the tomfoolery of Draco Malfoy and his gang of misadventurous rabble-rousers. (Theo wishes he were so lucky.)

[real-life-senshi]

Reading PGSMs director talk show with Ayaka just now (THANK YOU btw for the live blog and translation! I would have never seen it otherwise) and their dynamic is such a treat to watch, but tbh I don’t really get why they call Rei boyish? I never got anything particularly “guy-like” about her throughout the show, but maybe that’s just me, so I hope you don’t mind if I ask if you do?

Hello friend~

Thanks for dropping by. I'd be happy to try answer your question! I do want to preface I'm not native to Japanese culture, so I'm also trying to explain this from an outsider perspective, which has its pros and cons!

First of all, I want to note that it is important to consider the cultural and societal values from the Japanese perspective.

The word Director Suzumura used to describe Rei is "サバサバ" [sabasaba]. In Japanese, it means "refreshingly candid". This in itself isn't meant to say Rei is boyish, but サバサバ is more often than not considered a masculine trait. Because of this, assistant-host Miyuu latched onto that and extrapolated it as Rei seemed *relatively* more boyish than the other Senshi, possible except for Makoto (who as we learn more about the character is actually very lady-like inside), and Haruka (our beloved butch lesbian).

The reason for this is because of Japanese societal values. While it may not always be obvious especially if one's view of Japanese culture is only through pop culture or anime culture, Japanese culture is heavily hierarchical, conservative and gendered. The idea of honorifics (-kun, -chan, - san, -sensei, -sama, etc) is a good example of that. Now knowing the Japanese social construct is still man-dominated, explains why サバサバ is considered a masculine trait because their position makes it more likely that man feels comfortable, confident and accepted to speak their mind straightforwardly. Many girls and women are still conditioned that the best female qualities are to be demure, soft, quiet and pretty like a flower. (Bleh!)

It is important to note that hierarchy weighs above gendered norms. Just think back to Act 33, Rei's father's secretary was almost grovelling at Rei because Rei is his "ojousama", the daughter and heiress to his employer means a full-grown man is bowing deeply and speaking like a servant to a 14 years old girl.

In the case of Rei and Minako, Minako has been established as the Princess while Rei is being coached into the leader position, and then Minako is revealed to be THE leader while Rei is just a substitute. When considering this hierarchy, Rei's continual buttheading with Minako through speaking her mind and standing her ground understandably stands out to make Rei seem more confident and サバサバ than any other Senshi. Even though Makoto is the default tomboy of the group, Makoto has always been very respectful to Venus/Minako.

When I googled "サバサバ系女子" [sabasaba-kei onna] (refreshingly candid type woman), this is the result:

サバサバ系女子とは？ サバサバ系女子とは、性格がさっぱりしていて頼りになる女性のことを指します。 良い意味で他人への興味が薄いため、「自分は自分」「人は人」の線引きが上手です。 他人の意見に流されたり振り回されることがなく、自分の意思がはっきりしている女性です What is a Sabasaba-kei girl? Sabasaba-kei girls are women who have a refreshing personality and are dependable. In a positive sense, they are not interested in other people, so they draw a line between "I am myself" and "other people are other people. She is a woman who is not swayed or influenced by the opinions of others and is clear about her intentions.

It does remind you of Rei, doesn't it? lol And yet, this is only positively recognized in the recent decade in Japan, when the outside world's influence started to open people's perspective that subverts traditional Japanese values. For a girl or woman to be like this way back when, girls could easily be viewed as masculine, boyish and even improper.

What differs between Makoto's tomboyish ways, is that Makoto actions, physical mannerism and appearance make her feel a bit more masculine, thus tomboyish, but in Rei's case, it's her personality, speech mannerism and how she speaks her mind that make her seem to be what the Japanese would consider masculine.

Hope this is adequate and helps you get some perspective!

(Now I really should start getting the translated summaries done for Jouji, Mew, and Miyuu's episode with Director Suzumura...)

[lgcparker]

𝘴𝘶 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘶𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘴 7: 𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘮𝘯𝘪 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘶𝘮

“Hello! My name is Parker and I hope you enjoyed my cover. My dream is to sing more for you in the future, so please support me!”

The Introduction (☆/☆)

While Parker’s actual audition for Legacy Entertainment had been a spur-of-the-moment adventure at the time, the moment Parker was accepted, there was very little to stop him from taking the offer. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t Korean, nor did he have any substantial knowledge of the Korean language, because, for a very long time, Parker only wanted to make singing his life.

At the time he auditioned, he had been in university, studying something he barely resonated with, but when given the offer to become an idol— it seemed too good to be true. And there were moments where it was. Moving to Korea has been exciting, but the amount of work expected of trainees was not something he fully anticipated. He could sing but couldn’t dance, which turned out to be just as important, sometimes more. The amount of work he had to do to be able to competently follow choreography, control his breath, and keep a good expression while doing it— he never considered it. It was hard. Exhausting. He was given some grace for not knowing Korean at first, for getting tired too quickly, and for not understanding social norms, but that grace was only for so long, and he was expected not only to learn but to excel. 

If he wanted to be a singer, he had to prove himself to his peers and the coaches first. He came all this way, and to go home because it was hard seemed like a waste. He wanted to sing. And he knew he could do it. 

That drive and confidence are what got him far enough along to be introduced to the public via Legacy’s Youtube channel. And it felt good. 

He had been asked what his dream was, and he had answered like he always did: he wanted to sing. 

Even before the recording, he had practiced that song. He had picked ’Photograph’ because he liked it, yes, but also because he knew it was one he sang well and received good praise from his vocal coaches. And yet, he had been somewhat nervous. For all the confidence he usually processed, he had spent every moment leading up to the filming mulling over his song choices because, at the end of the day, whatever he did would be put up for millions of eyes to see and pick apart. That had been part of why he hadn’t picked a song in Korean. As much as he had improved in his pronunciation, he wanted his vocal color to be seen clearly. Loved and anticipated by future fans.

Even if it was just a video, being introduced was a big deal to Parker because it seemed to lead him that much closer to his dream.

Defining Moment - (FDS5) Performing for Seniors  (☆)

When considering a defining moment, Parker’s performance of Miss Independent seemed obvious. While one moment at the beginning of Future Dreams Season 5 might seem a bit odd, it still holds a good deal of value to Parker on a personal level and in illustrating his character, not only as a person but also as an idol. At that moment in time, it was well-acknowledged by coaches and even other trainees that Parker was indeed a strong vocalist; however, when posed with this task, he knew he didn’t want to sing a ballad. It seemed too easy, too expected, and not something he thought represented himself. He loved ballads, love longs, and injecting emotion into the things he sang so people could feel it, too, but the Parker Su he wanted to show was the Parker who was confident enough not to pick a technically difficult song. Furthermore, he wanted to show that he wasn’t the type of singer who could only stand in one place. Indeed, he was not able to dance as well as some of his peers and fellow contestants, but when he was on stage, it felt right. He knew he could move and smile and make it fun, make people enjoy watching him. 

The thing that honestly set him apart from his peers at the time, at least in his opinion, was his confidence and willingness to have fun, which remains something that, even to the current day, he prides himself on. And so, during that performance, he tried his best to fill up the stage and interact with his audience, even if they happened to be his seniors, people who in any other situation would and should intimidate him. What moves he could do somewhat competently, he did with a smile and a playfulness that was so genuinely himself; even if he hadn’t done well, the fact that he had done what felt right for himself was enough. 

But the thing was, he did do well.

He may not have won the whole season, but during that performance, he stood out to DBSD and was named their standout contestant for that challenge. Even if he hadn’t gotten the additional prize and voting benefit from that, the awe he felt and the validation of his decision had meant the world to him. Prior to the competition, he genuinely respected the members, especially Hyunbin. Their careers and paths were something he wanted desperately to follow. Even if Parker were to lose everything, this moment would still have so much worth to him.

Struggle - Languages (☆)

The reason the Goodal press conference had reinstated so much as a struggle for Parker is that while he knew he wanted to be a singer and had long accepted that Korean was a language he needed to master for his success, his relationship with actually speaking Chinese had been more complicated. As a child, his parents had insisted that he enroll in Chinese school, just as they were made to do, but unlike their parents before them, when Parker inevitably dropped out, there had been little pushback. He was a good kid and still partook in extracurriculars, so what was the big deal? What’s more, he knew enough to get by. He had stocked shelves at a big Chinese supermarket near his house and could reply back to aunties in English and broken Mandarin. It was enough back then, but it was during his prep for the press conference that he honestly regretted the choices he made as a child. 

Truly, it wasn’t until Parker moved to Korea that he even considered the pitfalls of being a monoglot and had to quickly change his perception of English being the only language he truly needed to survive and achieve his goals. Naturally, if he hadn’t learned Korean, then he would not have gotten very far at all in South Korea; furthermore, as he observed other Legacy seniors, such as YP, or even the introduction of LGC Girls Japan, he came to the conclusion that it would potentially be within his best interested to actively study the language he had put aside during his childhood. Even at this early stage in his trainee period, the number of people who assumed he already spoke some form of Chinese only seemed to solidify the notion he needed to take on more than just Korean at some point. 

Studying and practicing was hard and frustrating, especially on top of normal trainee schedules. Unlike the Spanish classes he half passed in High School, both Korean and Chinese used completely different languages with very different writing systems. It was hard. Really hard. Besides being stubborn, what Parker had to his benefit was his willingness to ‘try.’, especially when he now understood the necessity. Even if he said something weird or wrong, he kept trying despite the amount he struggled to fit words and grammar into the right places. While Korean was a necessity, Mandarin felt almost like something he needed to do for himself, especially since he had dug his own grave in his younger years. 

By the time Goodal selected him as one of their ad models for the Chinese market, he could say that his Korean could still be considered a good deal stronger than Mandarin. Perhaps in the eyes of some netizens and reporters,  he should have felt more shame for his shortcomings — and indeed, there was more embarrassment than he had felt with Korean — but even as he sat in front of said reporters at a brand press conference, all Parker could do was attempt to do the best that he could, and hope that even if he still struggled, and reverted to using English words now and then, that his efforts would be recognized. At the end of the day, being able to ‘debut’ in the Chinese market as someone of Chinese heritage was a big deal, even if he hadn’t considered the possibility before. However, through the contract with Goodal, Parker not only felt the importance for him to keep studying, but understood more than ever why his parents had attempted to push him into going to Chinese school. It wasn’t just a boring thing that cut into his weekend, but it was a part of his heritage and also an important ability that would benefit him further once he made his first mainland debut with Type Zero. 

Pepsi Taste of Summer (☆/☆)

The reason why Parker chose his involvement in Summer Taste was because it was his first real taste of what it would be like to work as an idol. At that time, he had been happy enough to have been selected to join the special evaluation team, which hadn’t actually been an easy go. In true Parker fashion, he tried his best, and even then, he received mixed reactions in regard to his growth compared to the other members of the evaluation team. That said, when he was eventually pulled aside (along with two other trainees) and informed he would be participating in this project, he had been floored.

Summer Taste had been his first time in the recording studio for something of this magnitude, and that in itself had been nerve-wracking. For all his usual confidence, the desire he felt to do well was something else. It was all-consuming and made him feel ill with anticipation. Prior to the recording, he had practiced as much as he could, but even when he found himself in the booth, he had genuinely been intimidated. This wasn’t something he was doing for fun— he had been chosen for a reason, and he not only needed to prove that he was the right choice, but he also had to keep in mind that this project was for a global company. Even if the ad only played in South Korea, there was no denying the reach it would have. People who didn't know him would see him in the music video, or hear his voice in the song.

Because of this, Parker did his best to take in the whole moment and learn. Every bit of feedback wasn’t to belittle his talent as a singer but to ensure that the end product would be the best it could be. This was a job at the end of the day, and he was expected to be cooperative, listen, and adjust accordingly.

This was also something that carried over to dance practices and the actual music video shooting. For as awe-inducing and fun as the shoot had been at times, he had to keep reminding himself to work hard and that he was lucky to be given this opportunity. If a choreographer or the director wanted him to do something again, even if their tone was harsh at the moment, he did it. He did it for them but also for himself. He had to get used to these things if he ever wanted to debut one day.

Achievement - Debuting with Type Zero  (☆)

Debuting with Type Zero had felt like a fever dream. One moment, he was losing Future Dreams, and the next, he was told that his dream of debuting as a singer would not be put on hold, like it had been prior to the show. For as cocky as it sounds, Parker always knew he’d debut one day, but he never knew when that day might be. And when he found out the news, he cried on camera. He had left everything — his friends, his family, his dog, his city — to fly across the world to chase this need to be on stage. He had learned to dance, act, and learn a whole new language. And after a few years of blood, sweat, and tears, it happened. 

The actual preparation for the debut had been intense. He felt like he barely had time to process anything before he was in a studio recording Type Zero’s next mini-album, his debut album. And then he was in the dance studio not only learning the choreography for the title song but also being expected to learn the group’s backlog. Perfect. Everything had to be perfect. If he was tired as a trainee, then it was nothing compared to the hours he spent learning and trying to catch up with the other members. At the time, he had been lucky not to have to go through that alone and had another new member to lean on, but it still didn’t detract from the reality of the situation. He was going to debut.

And then, Back to Zero and Thunderous dropped. And he was revealed officially to the world. To Zenith.

However, this didn't mean he finally had time to breathe. Somehow, he managed to enjoy it. Looking back, there was perhaps never a time Parker felt more tired and overworked— his idol muscles were still forming — however, he wouldn’t trade those moments for anything. Debuting and being on stage, singing had always been his dream, and to have finally achieved that felt like he had caught a star with his bare hands. 

How on earth had he been so lucky?