#in relation to a job application i definitely remember making. great! i decided i’d call him after physio

[fingertipsmp3]

I have no proof or anything but I’m pretty sure this man, who called me twice and left two messages, is now rejecting my calls

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #287

“keep him tied - it makes him well / he’s getting better, can’t you tell?”

What are you favorite things to watch on YouTube? I like a pretty big variety now. I’d say I’ve been mostly into pet YouTubers lately, especially reptile ones. Oh, and WoW stuff. Can you pick out any constellations in the sky without looking them up online? Besides the Little or Big Dipper (idk which is which), nope. Are you religious? If so, what influenced you to start believing God? If you’re not religious, what convinces you there is no God? I wouldn’t call myself religious, no. I do believe there’s some kind of ultimate power, but hell if I know what it is, and I don’t actually worship it. I don’t believe any “good” god would demand kissing its feet in order for you to end at peace, among a billion other reasons. I believe there is something though because the odds of life and everything is just… too perfect. Plus I believe in the paranormal, so to me, there is obviously something beyond the mortal form. Is there any animal out there that genuinely terrifies you? Is this an animal you’re worried about coming across in daily life? I am terrified of ticks and parasites in general. They’re fucking disgusting. Maggots will also make me scream. Oh, and then there’s whale sharks. In my daily life, I wouldn’t say there’s any that I actively worry about crossing paths with. When was the last time you wore make-up? Around Halloween when Summer, me, and another of her friends did a witch-themed photoshoot. It really fucking sucks that it was so dark by the time we were done that the pictures came out absolutely awful. You can’t see shit, and of course on camera, I look absolutely awful. Have you ever worn colored contacts? No, but I’m totally not opposed for a cool photoshoot. Have you seen any of the Disney re-makes (eg. Aladdin or The Lion King)? What do you think of them? I’ve seen a good number, and I really like them. I think The Jungle Book remake was the best of them. How long did it take you to pass your driving test once you started learning how to drive? Ha, I still haven’t tried. When was the last time you went out for a formal occasion or event? Do you remember what you wore? Uhhhh… I have zero clue. Well, does my last job interview count? I just wore black sweatpants and some kind of formal top. How often do you have the TV on? is it more background noise or are you actually watching things? Y’all know by now that I don’t watch TV. Do you like any songs by Elvis Presley? Well of course. “Devil In Disguise” is my favorite. Do you ever answer the phone to unknown numbers? Nope. Do you eat anything special for breakfast on Christmas Day? Nah. When you go to theme parks, what’s your favorite type of ride? I haven’t been to a theme park in beyond forever, so idk. Are you afraid of falling in love? Ohhhhh yes. Expecting something to change in the next month? No. e_e What is your biggest worry in life right now? That Mom’s cancer will come back. Well, it IS going to eventually flare somewhere else, but no one can estimate when. Could be tomorrow. Could be years. Do you give up easily? It depends. With a lot of things, honestly, yes, because I get upset with my incompetence. What are you listening to? "Going To Hell" by The Pretty Reckless just came on. Is anything bothering you right now? Always. Were you ever made fun of? Yes. Are you currently jealous? I’ve been having episodes of it. Do you find piercings attractive on the opposite sex? I find them attractive on almost all people. Who was the last person you yelled at? I don’t know. Probably Mom. What do you say a lot? “Mood,” “lmao,” “can’t relate,” “same,” “oof,” “yikes,” shit like that, haha. What is your favorite place you have traveled? Chicago. Do you like ice cream? Yeah, that’s my comfort food. Do you like bananas? Yeah, but I don’t dare to eat one if I haven’t had my heartburn medication, because otherwise I get it BADLY. Do you like Paramore? A handful of their songs, yeah. I don’t know a lot though, honestly. Do you plan on getting married? It’d be nice. Ever been given a promise ring? No. Sexual orientation? Bi. Who do you text the most? Definitely Sara. Do you still talk to the person who hurt you most in life? Why or why not? No, because he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t blame him. Have you ever given your number to a complete stranger? Um, no. Well, besides in like, job applications. What color is your keyboard? Black. Your mouse? Mostly black, but it does have this crackled pattern that can glow blue or red. Desktop or laptop? I prefer laptops for mobility’s sake. Do you like sweet tea? I hate tea. How much sugar do you put in your tea? ^ Have you ever called someone useless? Wow, no. Do you have a wood or glass dining room table? Wood. Do you tend to get attached easily? HOLY GOD OF FUCK, YES. Is Joe Jonas really hotter than Nick? I haven’t seen either in god knows how long, but I remember I thought Nick was very cute. Favorite flavor pudding? Chocolate is the only kind I’ve enjoyed. Not that I’ve tried a lot. What are three words used in your area/dialect that many other areas/dialects wouldn't be familiar with? Oh, there are most certainly some, but I can’t think of any right now. How do you feel when your partner is talking to an ex? This would depend on a lot of things. What is the most expensive gift you have ever given? Received? Given, I’m really unsure. I answer enough questions sharing that I don’t have my own source of income, so a lot of times, my mom lets me use her money, but there is obviously a ceiling to how much I can use. Received, definitely my Sager laptop Jason got me one year. Do children like you? I’m always surprised that kids seem to… I don’t know how the hell to interact with kids, but parents tend to tell me that they do like me. If you found your child's diary would you read it? What if you found the diary of one of your parents? Hell no would I read that shit. Both deserve privacy. Have you ever stalked or killed a wild animal? Fuck no. Name something you are now prepared to reveal about yourself that you weren't ready to talk about in the past? The state of my virginity. Name a talent someone has of which you are jealous: I am soooo envious of talented and actually successful photographers. What would you most likely complain about in a hotel? Probably if the bed sheets seemed dirty. Is it possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time? Probably. I’m monogamous though, so I really can’t say because I haven’t experienced this. Do you often feel pressured by others? Society, yes. Should couples live together before marriage? I feel that it’s the better decision, yes. You may not blend well actually sharing the same house. You learn things about your partner. How would you feel attending the wedding of an ex? It would depend on the person. Girt or Sara? I would love to. As a matter of fact, I better be invited lmao. Jason? I couldn’t in ten trillion years. Fiction or nonfiction. I strongly prefer fiction. Can you can lie with a straight face? Yes, if it’s something little. Name three things you have experienced that would shock your parents: Probably just sexual stuff. Do you believe in using the silent treatment? No. I’ve sure done it before, but I’d like to think I’ve grown out of this. Communication is where it’s at. Your most embarrassing thought: *shrug* Your most prejudiced thought: I don’t know. I don’t think I’m very prejudiced. A shameful moment for you: The situation w/ Joel. The biggest gamble of your life: Deciding to drop out of college the last time. Who knows if that was a good choice or not… It’s too early to tell. What is your greatest weakness as a friend? Idk off the top of my head, but I’m sure there’s something. Do you feel better when you have a tan? Nah, I like being pale. I did go through a period in HS of using tanning lotion on my legs though because I was self-conscious of JUST how pale they were. Do you sometimes enjoy being mean? ”I don’t think so. Maybe like... in certain contexts. Like being mean in video games can be really fun sometimes, haha. And being a little mean in a kink setting can be fun too.” <<<< This. Are you high maintenance? Definitely not. Has anybody ever told you that you’re too young to be in love? I think my dad has, just indirectly. Did you learn anything from the last BIG mistake you made? Yes. Do you have a favorite brand of shoes? Yeah, Converse. Do you like rollercoasters with big drops? I’m afraid of rollercoasters so have never been on one. Do you have any inside jokes with your parents? Not really. Have you ever thrown a surprise party for somebody? I don’t think so? Do you know who your mom’s favorite singer is? Oh, she’s totally obsessed with James Hetfield/Metallica. What year were you born in? 1996. What is your favorite card game? Magic: The Gathering, even though I was never great at it or totally understood all the rules. I just adore the artwork, and I like the detailed tactics behind it. Have you ever tried to surf? Nah. Do you want to learn? Nah. Have you ever had a song dedicated to you? What was it? Let’s not with this. What color eyes does your best friend have? Brown. Have you ever been on a blind date? Nah. Which one of your family members do you wish you could see more often? My brother and his son. I got really close to my nephew the last time they visited for a few days. What room in your house is the messiest? Right now, the extra bedroom that I want to make my dayroom. A lot of our “extra” stuff is just shoved into there. Have you ever requested a song on the radio? No. Are you proud of your parents? Yes. Have you ever (accidentally or not) set off a car alarm? I think I accidentally have before. Do you have dimples when you smile? Yes, way more prominently on my left cheek though. Do you find graveyards scary? No. They’re peaceful to me. Have you ever carved anything into a tree? I don’t think so. Do you read those celebrity gossip magazines? Ew, no. Celebs deserve privacy. Do you give or get advice more often? Well considering I’m in therapy, probably get. Did the last type of shoes you wore have laces? No. Do you like the picture on your license/I.D. card? FUCK no. When was the last time somebody hit on you? Idr. Which one of your friends do you feel most comfortable around? Sara. What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? Just pass me the rolls lmao. Who did you last spoon with? My cat lmao. What was the last video game you played? I don’t recall the last console game I played, so does World of Warcraft count, even tho it’s a computer game? When you’re in trouble, do your parents ever “middle name” you? Ha, my mom will sometimes. Does getting sweaty or dirty bother you at all? If so, has it ever put you off doing exercise? Very much so. I suffer (and I DO mean “suffer”) from insane hyperhidrosis, so I sweat my ass off if I so much as twitch, if even that. I just hate feeling gross. Have you ever thought about how you want to spend your retirement? No, honestly. It’s hard for me to imagine even *getting* to retirement. Would you describe yourself as healthy? Why or why not? No. I’m physically and even more mentally not okay. Do you miss anything about being a teenager? If you are a teenager, what’s your favorite thing about it? Yeah, some things. Though I really don’t even want to think about it. I look back on me being a teen with both wistfulness as well as bitterness. I don’t know which is stronger.

[dasfuzzy]

This thing still exists...?

So...I guess I'll start off by saying that the main reason for this post is because I got the Tumblr app a while back and have periodically gotten the notification that someone has liked my blog (hello, by the way), so this is twofold:

1) Give an update because, y'know, I haven't touched this thing in a long time, so there's a lot to update, and

2) Find out who's been liking my blog and why. So I guess comment, message, note, or whatever the hell people do here and let me know what got you interested in my ramblings.

I guess the three main things I would discuss here were my job, my love life, and my situation in general, so those'll be the primary focus for now. I guess I'll start with my love life just to get that out of the way as it's typically the focal point and most salacious content here (and possibly the most interesting to y'all).

Well, I'm gonna tell you right off the bat that things have changed drastically since I last was here. I will say that if you're expecting me to tell all, you're gonna be disappointed. I know in the past I never really held back on my feelings and about dishing out the truth, but this is a different situation than any in the past. All I'll really say is that since August of 2017 I've been in a committed relationship with someone that I truly love and can see myself being with for the rest of my days. Our relationship hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows, however, mostly due to nagging injuries and surgeries stemming from a work-related injury on her part (she used to be a physical therapy assistant), but I've done everything in my power to accommodate her and make things work. It hasn't been easy and it's taken it's toll on me, but at the end of the day I try to remain optimistic that things will get better with time.

Regarding my job...er, jobs, I've bounced around a bit since I was last here. I think I was still at Dave & Busters, but I was able to leave there to become a preschool/toddler teacher at a highly-accredited daycare center called Bright Horizons. It wasn't the easiest job and with me being who I am (profane and a fan of mature content, a la Game of Thrones, Walking Dead and wrestling) I felt like I was walking on eggshells at times, especially because the director was a bit of a prude, but I really enjoyed it. I was one of only two male teachers in a facility of approximately 30 teachers, so the kids really enjoyed the change of pace. I learned a lot being there, especially since I only had a few early education courses under my belt beforehand and I had some great mentors guiding me along.

Unfortunately, I made the decision to leave after 18 months for a couple of reasons:

1) The landlady finally sold the house, so my mom and I had to move (more on that later), and

2) There was an incident where I might've let slip a bit of profanity on the job. Basically it was nap time and most of the children were sleeping. I was in one of the preschool rooms at the time and at that age, some children just don't want to sleep, so we have to either try to soothe them or at least do what we can to keep them quiet so they don't wake the other children up. So I'm with another, younger teacher sitting with the non-sleepers, one of which was on the autistic spectrum and had an action plan in place that inform us of what we can and cannot do in certain situations that normally wouldn't apply to other children. Anyways, that particular child was not having any of nap/quiet time and decided to start walking around the room. In my frustration, I might've uttered under my breath "what the fuck". A few days later, I get a call from the director and she asks me if I used any profanity while in the classroom. I tell her that I don't recall doing so; she tells me that another teacher informed her that I had and she would need me to type up a formal statement of what I recall from that particular event. I stuck to my guns and said that I honestly don't recall doing so and, after submitting that to her, I was put on an indefinite administrative leave. As much as I loved that job, I took that as a sign that maybe it was time to find another job, something that pays better because I knew I was going to be moving within the next few months.

On the first day of my "leave", I asked friends if they knew of any good-paying jobs that had openings. I was only making $12.40/hr, which is only $.40 over minimum wage, so I was definitely open to suggestions. My best friend told me to apply to where he worked, Fitzgerald Tile, because they were looking for warehouse workers. He said they could start me at $18, so I leapt at the opportunity. I went down that Monday and met the warehouse supervisor to have an interview. I'll give you an almost word-for-word retelling of how that interview went:

Him: "Do you know how to drive a forklift?"

Me: "Yeah."

Him: "Great, you're hired."

Me: "Oh...okay."

Okay, that might be stretching it a bit, but that was more or less how it went. Really, he outlined some of the basic duties, asked if I was able to lift up to 50lbs unassisted, know that I'm expected to work 50 hours a week, then had me fill out the application, mostly for the sake of having it on file. He told me that I would just have to meet with the HR person to finalize the paperwork and discuss pay and my schedule, then I'd be good to go. Here's the thing: I never got to talk to the HR person. Ever. I was waiting for over an hour then told that we could do it another time, so I just went home. I should've noticed how sketchy the whole thing was. I should've picked up on all the red flags, but I didn't. So I go home, call my boss, and tell her that I'm giving my two weeks notice. She obliges and I ask if I could come visit down the road. She says that it would be in the best interest of the children that I stay away so they don't get the wrong idea. Basically I haven't been back there besides one time when I stopped by after hours to catch up with my favorite colleague and mentor, Jen.

Anywho, here I am on November 19th at the asscrack of dawn starting at the tile warehouse. I meet with the warehouse supervisor (I don't fucking remember his name; he's honestly not worth remembering) and he asks if I know how to drive a forklift. Uh...we talked about that when you hired me, but anyways, I say yes. "Great. Hop on, drive around a bit, get a feel for it, then get to work." Um...I dunno about those guys, but when I was at Lowe's where I learned to drive a forklift, we had to be licensed to operate one. Not to mention if they bothered to do a background check, they'd learn that I was fired from there for getting into an accident on a forklift and causing damage to a bay door. But I do as they say; I grab an order sheet ("grab the biggest ones first", they tell me) and get to it. Basically the way they run things is they put the sheets out on a table, everyone grabs one, gathers everything up on a pallet, then drop it in the outgoing delivery area, then do it all again until every order has been filled. I should also mention that I started right as they were moving warehouses to North Reading, so after the orders were pulled, we had to get other pallets ready to ship to the new place. Remember how I said I was never able to talk to the HR person? Well, I was never given a schedule because of that, so I guess it was understood that I would come in at 7 in the morning and work until everyone was done, which typically wasn't until 8 or 9 at night. I adhered to that mindset for maybe a week and a half; after that, I started sneaking out after at least doing my 8 hours a day. One day the supervisor caught me and said that I can't do that again. I didn't give a fuck. Another day he tells me that I'm not working fast enough and need to step it up. Maybe if someone took the time to train me on the other lift that was smaller and had forks that extended, I'd be able to be more efficient, but no; the only machines I could use were the huge lifts that are barely able to maneuver in the narrow fucking aisles and the order picker, which is basically a standing lift with a small tray-sized platform that you could place stuff on and lower it back down. That thing was kinda fun because it had controlls that kinda felt like piloting a mech and it was fast as hell.

Fast forward a few days and a few hours into my shift the supervisor tells me that I'm being let go and he hands me my last check and a pamphlet for unemployment benefits. No reasoning, just that I'm gone. Probably because I was "working too slow" and would leave when I felt like it, but I could give two shits; they never cared about me and I was tired of working under those unreasonable conditions. I manage keep my composure and start heading out, telling the few friends that I made there that I was fired; they wished me well and said I'd move onto something better. No shit. Once I get to my car, I burst out crying, trying to comprehend the gravity of my situation. I text my girlfriend and she asks if I want to come over to her house; I do partly because I needed the emotional support and partly because she was only 5 minutes away and my drive home would've been about 30 minutes. Honestly, I probably could've reported them to OSHA since they were in violation of god knows how many rules and regulations (hell, during the first week at the new warehouse, someone managed to destroy an entire bay: 3 shelves with 4 pallets each, totalling I believe over $6000 worth of product), but I just wanted to wash my hands of that place entirely. Since it was mid December, I decided to just take time to enjoy the holidays before looking for a new job, especially since I had made enough money there to keep myself afloat for about a month.

So, regarding the move, mom and I spent the last few years looking for places nearby for when the time came, but a lot of places were either in undesirable towns, were too expensive (this is Massachusetts; rent prices suck balls), or didn't meet our needs/standards. Ideally we were aiming to find a small house or even duplex to move into since we'd been in a 2-story, 3-bedroom house since January 2001, but we ended up settling for a 2-bedroom apartment in a small complex in Reading. It's been a bit of an adjustment for many reasons, but we've made it work. One of the biggest annoyances is that we don't have any laundry machines in our unit or even our building, so if we have to wash our clothes, we need to bring our stuff to one of the neighboring buildings that has a credit card-opperated laundry room with seven washers and 8 dryers. Kinda obnoxious to have to go through all that trouble and pay to do it, but condidering heat, hot water, and facility maintenance and snow removal are all covered in our rent (which is $1750/month), it's a small price to pay, I suppose.

Once we got all settled into the new place, I started job hunting again. For years I've wanted to do something technical, like be a plumber or maintenance engineer, but it's nigh impossible to find entry-level jobs like that. I somehow managed to find a job posting on Craigslist for a preventative maintenance engineer at a hotel in my old hometown of Woburn (ironically it's across from my old Dave & Busters), put in an application, and about a week later I had the job. Basically what I do is go through the guestrooms and make sure everything is in working order and is clean. I do about 2 rooms a day, repairing things as needed, be it electrical, plumbing, painting, or whatever else. I started back in early February of this year and in April the chief engineer was unceremoniously fired, leaving me as the sole engineer at the hotel. We had outside help come in periodically, but generally speaking I was the one keeping the place together until we hired a new chief this past October. I had to learn how to take care of an outdoor pool and how to take readings on it daily. I had to represent my hotel at engineer trainings normally meant for chiefs. Hell, I was very close to being promoted to chief myself until they found the new guy. But my efforts weren't in vain: our scores from our guest surveys for maintenance and upkeep were always above expectations and everyone at the hotel appreciate and respect what I do there. They raised my pay as high as they could go because of the amount of work I was putting in. My boss even got me two $75 tickets to a Ring of Honor show since he was a wrestling fan like myself. I think it's safe to say that I definitely bounced back from Fitzgerald.

I guess that about wraps things up. It's currently two weeks until Christmas, so I've got that to look forward to. I'd apologize for the lengthy rant, but I think that's par for the course on my blog. Again, if you're new (or even if you're not), feel free to leave a comment, note, message, or whatever and let me know what brought you to my blog or if there's any questions, comments, or suggestions for things that I could discuss. I figure I've been away from this thing for a long time, why not be a bit more active. Anyways, that's all I got for now. Hope y'all are well; take care of yourself!

[peachychibi]

if it’s over, will it be enough?

When will it be enough?

He never said he’d call but I still waited patiently for his name to light up on my phone screen that night. This expectation was just another corollary of a six-years long habit. Ah, I guess at this point in time, that would be the most suitable definition for what we had. A habit. Or maybe a routine, convention, pattern, norm, whatever you named it. Those terms were all perfect to describe us. The navy blue clock on my bedroom wall kept on ticking, the tick-tocking sound never bothered me this obscenely before. It was 9PM. We usually talked around this time, chatting about nothing in particular. Just.. sharing anything that came through our minds. We were both complete chatterboxes, we loved hearing our own voice almost as much as we loved responding to each other’s stories. It was not exactly my fault for expecting his call for he’d usually text me if he wouldn’t be able to do so. He did not need to, that much I did understand, yet he still did. Like I said, this night-call was a routine, it was our thing somehow. Maybe he’d text me soon, I thought while cocooning inside my blanket. He was probably stuck in a traffic jam somewhere, or perhaps his phone battery died. I ran through all of the feasible scenarios, what could be the reason for this anomaly? Well if it happened more than once, could it even be called an anomaly? I could not even start to muster what I actually wanted. Even if he called, did I even want to talk to him? Did I have anything of importance to say to him? Why did the fact that he had not dialed my number for the past two weeks trouble me so much? Was it because we had no proper communication whatsoever in the past month? >> “Hey, sorry, I was out with the guys.” >> “I miss you.” >> “Have a great day at work!” Those were his typical messages these days. When did this thing become so stale? “It’s normal if you miss him.”, I remembered what my friend said after I told her about this uneasiness I’ve been feeling. What I failed to explain further to her was that, I was not even sure I miss him at all? Heck, I was not even feeling anything other than discomfort. The omitted twisted part was that I was only feeling agitated over breaking a series of habit we crafted for the past six years. Not over his lack of presence in my life. How will you know if it’s enough? Two lovers seeing one another after two months of being apart, one would reckon the meeting would be affectionate at most. I guessed that sweet romantic rendezvous would be happening right now if only the two lovers in subject were not us. Was there still a thing called “us” in this instance? We were sitting across each other in a family diner, every single corner of this particular place was familiar to me. We have been going to this diner since we were both high school seniors. If you bet that I had memorized the whole set of menu then you would most likely win. I did not even need to read the menu paperback again to know my (and also his) orders by heart. As cliché as the whole situation was panned out to be, I did feel like our distance that night was a hundred miles. It was hard of me to even explain what was going on between us. If I got to quote the lyrics of this certain famous pop song, we don’t fucking talk anymore. I was busy with my phone and so was he. I was busy looking around just to avoid having eye contact with him. The existence of “Us” had never been this awkward before. I tried to initiate some conversations, like how was his job hunting progress so far, what was he doing these days, his recent camaraderie with his friends, were his parents well.. I could not help but feel like an HR officer asking standard questions to a job applicant. He was nice to me though, he was engaged to the whole banter once he made an effort to. However, it seemed to me that another cliché quote was in order to fully illustrate the whole night: We were conversing but not communicating. Did this make sense? It was a Saturday, our night out on a weekend was normally long and full of harmless fun. Going out and going home afterwards was not something we were accustomed to. One way or another, we would be set out to spend the night going along with any impulsivity that crossed our minds. Yet, that night, I knew it was going to be different. “So, where do we go from here?”, the question held a heavier burden if it was to be thrown out of context. “Up to you.”, he replied absentmindedly. He ended up taking me home early. Is it finally enough?

We graduated October last year, I got a job on February. A shitty job but it paid me a great sum, it was okay for a first job. It was a temporary job anyway, I was going to stay until I finally got a breakthrough or something. He was still applying here and there, waiting for interview calls from now and then. Clearly, this was one of the thing that sort of drifted us away. I barely got time for myself due to my toxic working hour, while on the other side, he got all the time in world. Did he feel like I neglected him? Was he insecure at the slightest bit? What the hell happened, seriously? Did we just drift apart for no particular reason? Was our time up? Was it finally enough? There was no other way to soften this up, our relationship was dying. Six years were a long time to be together, some of the luckier ones might make theirs last forever. We were lucky enough to get six years, but, that was it. Denial has always been my thing even though I knew given the chance I would not exert more of my energy to put up with it any longer. ‘I need to talk to him, I have to.’ That was in the back of my mind and the words were on the tip of my tongue, waiting to be realized to life in front of him. Nevertheless, I resisted, I did not know what stopped me. I guess I was too afraid to face the consequence. I was too much of a coward to let go. I thought I should just wait till I gathered all of the courage that I’d need. Alas, I should have known that the truth was impatient.

Tell me it’s enough.

“Hey!”, his voice was booming in the middle of the café. Funny how I could finally see him turning back to his old self just when I decided to end everything.

 “Hey, have you been waiting long? Sorry, it was hard to find an empty parking slot here.”, I greeted him back as I sat across him. He smiled and shook his head, trying to reassure me that it was okay.

 How could it be okay when I knew it was not?

 For now, it’s enough.

As opposed to his cheerful demeanor that I witnessed earlier, his face was akin to a white sheet right now. Of course, who would not be shocked after your girlfriend asked for a break up out of nowhere.

Was it really out of nowhere though?

The thing was that, he just landed himself a job. I felt happy and ecstatic for him, I really did. I sincerely wanted the best for him. To make this sound less selfish, I would like to put this to another perspective for you. Wouldn’t you be just as conflicted as me, if you found out about your dear boyfriend milestone not through your own boyfriend but through this drunken Instagram story that his friend posted at midnight?

Apparently he was out partying with the other lads to celebrate this momentous event. I mean, I did understand. How could I be so self-centered to make a fuss over someone’s happiness? Believe me, I was not that stuck up. He could party all he wanted, he deserved it. But, in the light of the current downfall of our relationship, this just supported the idea that I already knew yet withheld for some sentimental reason. He did not need me anymore.

I was not about to be a hypocrite and play victim in this story. Honestly, I needed him just as much as he needed me now, which was not so much.

As much as he ignored me, I also neglected him quite a lot too.

As much as he tried to listen to me, I realized my stories would not be as relatable to him as it used to be.

As much as I wanted him to stay, I knew I would not want to do the same.

“It’s been six years, do you think it’s not worth fighting for anymore?”,

“I know what we have is worth it, but the question remains, do you want to keep fighting for it?”

As much as my heart begged for him to refuse, I understood that we both have agreed way before this day had come.

[doktorcrimson]

I still can’t believe I fucking got into med school

In my previous post I mentioned I got accepted into medical school, and damn I still can’t believe that happened (  ﾟДﾟ)

DOKTOR CRIMSON IS ACTUALLY GONNA BE DOCTOR CRIMSON WAT

I was looking at American Association of Medical Colleges (AAMC) data sheets earlier and HOLY COW I can’t believe how lucky I am to even be offered an acceptance! Not to mention that I got into one of my top choices, a wonderful school with excellent academic programs and diverse patient populations. I am truly grateful to be in this position and so proud of myself...

FUCK YEAH DOCTOR CRIMSON!

Keep reading if you don’t mind me rambling.

Just to give a rough idea how competitive MD programs are in the US. There are roughly 150 accredited MD schools total. Usually a school receives a few thousand applications per year. Some schools may receive 10k+. Schools only accept enough to fill a class of about 100 students (some schools accept more, some schools accept less). That means the average acceptance rate for med school is about 5%. If you compare this to applying to college, you are literally applying to Harvard everywhere.... Out of 53042 applicants total in the US, only 21030 get accepted somewhere. That means 60% of applicants don’t get in anywhere every year, and that’s quite scary.

I had no fucking idea if I would get in or not. Like many have said, this process is literally a crapshoot (;o;)

The school I will be attending this fall had about 8k+ applications total. They only accept enough to fill a class of roughly less than 200 students. That’s a little more than 2% of all applicants for this school....

HOW THE FUCK DID I BECOME THE 2%??? Like I checked the facebook page for my class and I saw people who went to college at Harvard, UPenn, Princeton etc.?

I guess hard work does pay off and I’m not too dumb haha (ﾟ∀ﾟﾉ)ﾉ

So lemme talk about my application process last year. There’s a forum called Student Doctor Network (SDN) that I usually go to for resources applying to med school. People who post there are typically higher achievers compared to average applicants. When I was on the waitlist, seeing people getting multiple acceptances and even having the luxury to decide between school A vs. B really got me at the low point. 

I submitted 26-27 primaries back in July but ended up only being complete at 23 schools due to budget. Unlike some superstar applicants I didn’t get an early interview in August/September nor did I get an outright acceptance mid-October. My first interview came from my state school in October and I got my second interview in November. Normally my state school would be my best bet in getting into medical school since they have an in-state preference. However, my state school interview resulted in a rejection right before my second interview (like the decision was made literally a week before). 

I cried like an idiot that day and the following day. I didn’t want to tell anyone and I thought getting into med school was over for me. I got rejected by my state school, the school with the highest probability of being accepted at all. How am I supposed to get in a school that is ranked much better and more competitive than my state school? Honestly, I fucked up that interview myself and I knew what I did wrong (I regretted it right after I did it). I walked out of that interview feeling rather miserable and uncertain. Also part of it was because I was inexperienced and probably should’ve prepared more for my first interview. But still, it hurt, and it hurt a lot. Even today whenever I think about it, it’ll always an opportunity I missed. If I did get accepted to my state school, things would be very different right now.

I was lost. I finally decided to tell only one person, my good senpai and friend, who also happened to be an MD-PhD student. He told me to do a mock interview if possible. So I did it, got some feedback. Didn’t feel like I’ve improved much but more practice is always better. I went to my second interview with a much-relaxed attitude. My second interview was at the school that eventually accepted me and was the 2nd or 3rd school I wanted to go to out of my top choices (my #1 choice rejected me pre-interview haha). It felt really different than my first interview. I actually liked the school better despite I didn’t know anyone in the area nor did I have many ties to the school. I could tell my conversation between me and my interviewer was much better than my first interview. He even asked me about my art and con experiences, which probably had some influence in getting me an acceptance. I drew him a little sketch doodle with a person sitting in a coffee mug at the end of my interview. I walked out feeling confident, and the rest of the interviews I attended never gave me that same feeling.  

It then became a long wait until February when I finally received more interviews. But then again it was late in the cycle, I didn’t have much hope getting into those schools. I was placed on the supposedly high priority waitlist from the 2nd school I interviewed at the same month. After attending those other interviews, I knew the 2nd school, one of my top choices out of all schools, would be my best bet getting in at that point. With the help of a friend editing, I submitted an update letter within the same day I received the wait list status.

It was then another long wait. After May 1st med school traffic day, I was anxiously waiting for waitlist movements. A batch of waitlist acceptances had gone out the first week for the 2nd school I interviewed at. If I couldn’t get in somewhere during May, I would have to prepare for another application cycle. I was also looking for a new job at the same time since my current job didn’t pay much, let alone the fact I needed more money if I had to go through this application process again. I was extremely stressed. Other schools I interviewed at also threw me on their waitlists. My relationship with my family wasn’t great at that point either. I wanted to give up so much. I kept thinking: what did I do wrong this cycle? My GPA and MCAT definitely weren’t the factors keeping me out of med school. I had a good amount of clinical experience and research. My other extracurriculars weren’t extraordinary, but it did have some uniqueness. I guess it was it my interview? I mean, I’m not the most talkative person but I think I’m alright in small conversations. I admit I’m rather low energy compared to even a lot of other introverts, but how would I improve that next time? Should I just give up?

I was ready to meet with my pre-med advisor that Saturday morning for a new committee letter. I decided to check my email once more before I left the door.

HOLY GOD OF CHEESECAKES I DON’T HAVE TO APPLY AGAIN ANYMORE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHA

And that’s my med school application year in a summary.

Big hugs and gross smooches to @theathelier~ I literally would’ve never made it to med school without your essay edits and emotional support! You know how upset I was those months before May. I tend to not show it in front of others but deep inside I was struggling very hard. I had some really negative thoughts at some point (really negative thoughts) but I keep thinking about you and other friends who have shown me support (yes, thank you @phoodledoodles for starting a med school specifically for me with a 1:1 student to faculty ratio and guaranteed nap time every day if I didn’t get in). I would’ve felt so guilty if I didn’t get in this cycle because all the effort you put in reading my essays QAQ Love you and I will make my best attempt to visit! *we still need to go to that pho place together*

@phoodledoodles @aeryecho I love you both, too <3

I’d like to mention @shinionlydrawsfreestyle for being my secret role model during my application cycle haha *senpai plz notice me face* I actually remember you on SDN from last application cycle (along with bananafish haha), I never expected to find your tumblr page. At first I felt yeah I’m probably the only weeb trash artist that does cons and digital art as a hobby while pursuing a main career that’s not even remotely related. And then I was searching “reviews for acrylic charms” and I found your blog and I read your bio that you said you were a med student and I went HOLY CRAP I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE. 

Congrats on finishing MS1 and good luck next year studying step 1, senpai!

Ah if my secondaries were like this post I would’ve never gotten in med school :P Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Love and Peace~

[elysiumrp]

Congratulations VEE! You have been accepted as Jasper Pitzen. Please go through the checklist and send in your account within 24 hours. If you need more time, make sure you send a message to the main.

When it comes to a character that has so many possible ways to develop them, it’s always a strange thing when it takes a while for an application to come in for them. But there’s always a reason – the right person has to come along, and here you are. Jasper is a pivotal person to the supernatural movement, both by being somewhat of a spokesperson for them and being the first to do what he is doing. It’s always exciting to allow a person to take on the challenge of a character they aren’t used to, but both of us feel you have the chops to do so. How you described the emotions he has, beyond just being in front of a crowd and behind closed doors, it’ll be a great addition to the character development already happening. It’s the determination you show that won us over, how you grasped how he is despite Jasper not being in your comfort zone and still wanting to play him. We’re here to become better writers, and with your determination, we hope this is the place will do that for you. Welcome to Elysium!!

OOC INFO

Name: Vee Age: 23 Timezone: EST Preferred Pronouns: She / Her  Previous RP Experience: [RFP] Activity Level: About a 4. I work long hours during the week from the afternoons until early the next morning (sometimes weekends) and will have to queue replies in my free time as I won’t have access to a computer. Any asks/IMs that I might receive will be answered a day later, and I may have to plan ahead of time for events in order to participate in them (depending on the duration of them). I know I’ll be working on July 4th, so I will not be around for the beginning of the event taking place that day. Anything Else: N / A

IC INFO

Character Name: Jasper Pitzen  Why did you choose this character:

I’m going to be honest and say it: I chose Jasper out of fear. Yep, I really did. When choosing characters, I usually play it safe and go with a personality type I feel comfortable writing. Time and time again I wind up playing the same character and it’s hard to tell if I’ve actually been growing as a writer. After a while, writing was beginning to lose its enjoyment for me. I felt stuck. I tend to shy away from super-serious political or government-related type characters as I feel I don’t have the knowledge to write them convincingly–research or not. They intimidate me. Now, I’m taking a chance with this app, conquering that fear the best way I can. It’s like that saying: “you won’t know until you try,” right?

To get down to specifics, I found the contrast between the younger “party-animal” Jasper (pun intended?) with the current straight-laced activist to be very interesting. I love symbolism and foreshadowing, so those two aspects of his life give me ample room to play around a little; I get to see how deep into Jasper’s character I can go in order to breathe life into him.

Additionally, Jasper is a character who’s out in the public eye constantly, so being careful with his words is a given. That allows me to put more thought (than usual) in what I’m typing out, to make sure things make sense for the questions that may arise. Jasper’s so different from myself that the extra effort needed to make him appear polished is very crucial to me.

Describe your plan for them:

As soon as I read Jasper’s bio and connections with the other characters, I saw him as this heartless, teasing, snobby rich kid who slides on a nice face for the cameras, but isn’t above threatening another supernatural to change their ways in order to make himself look better. With words that form riddles as well as threats, Jasper has more at stake and tends to lash out because of it. He’s not a villain…though that depends on who you ask. I love that duality about him; the way his character carries so many interpretations and how he’s each and every one of them when the situation calls for it. There’s so much negativity surrounding his character from the other supernaturals that there has to more to it than “he took my job” or “he can’t be trusted.” Jasper’s actually full of self-hatred and heart that he tries to hide for the sake of staying strong for his community. And that’s something what I want to focus on down the road.

Jasper seems to be so put together that I want to see him have a breakdown. Whether it’s from losing a part of the freedom he’s working so hard to gain or getting close enough to another and losing them, I want him to feel that raw emotion he’s been pushing aside since the day his wolf gene was triggered. I want him doing something really uncharacteristic, like seeking help from another in tears.

Furthermore, throughout the course of the story, I plan on having Jasper struggling to make allies of the other characters as he’s trying to understand their dislike of him. He wants them all registered with the database system, believing his work representing them is doing them a service; it’s possible that he’s tangling the web further. I want to have him questioning his identity, his self-confidence, and what it means to be a leader. Are his motives pure or clouded over with ulterior ones? Could that change over time? If possible, I’d really love to explore that.

Describe your character’s feelings and reactions to the initial reveal of the supernatural world:

Jasper was in complete shock. As he was just coming back to everything, just getting used to hiding the supernatural side of himself, he’s suddenly pushed out into the open. Before Jasper has a chance to fully self-identify as being a werewolf and adjust to the new life in a densely-populated area as New York City, he’s alone for the first time against a world he doesn’t recognize. He chose to fade into the background as he’s done for the past few years, but that plan was ruined when he was chosen to be on the Council. Unsure of what to do with the status and reluctant to take the power, Jasper finally decides that standing out with others at his side was more likely to save his life than to go about things alone with a greater risk of being killed. There is strength in numbers; it is that strength that built the Jasper Pitzen the Council needed.

Describe your character’s feelings and reactions to the current state of the world, and how it impacts them as an individual:

When the supernatural community lost the Council again, Jasper felt as though he left with it. He clung to the Council as part of the identity he was still searching for in the time that had elapsed. He spent days moping on the couch in his apartment or the stools in various bars, watching as the same people he fought to protect run past the city limits. He began to hear whispers of an uprising on darkened streets from those who supported the Council and demanded freedom. Wanting to feel that same passion he felt within the Council, Jasper joined what is the beginning of the Resistance in hopes of saving his people. Being thrust into the spotlight because of his disappearance and now because of his previously-hidden identity had left Jasper enjoying it more than he ought to. He’s having a piece of the life he could’ve had if his inner wolf never forced him to leave. It’s as if he’s playing the part of the bachelor again, kissing up to audiences purely for entertainment. He knows he has a job to do in promoting equality, but there’s a fine line between the two that he doesn’t mind crossing from time to time.

Para Sample:

“…and that’s my goal. World peace. An innocent little wish–something said by a child at the end of a holiday movie–but its meaning has grown immensely as of late; this isn’t something to make light of. We need to act on it now. Think about it. With all the violence going on in these times, would you want the children of our future harboring such seeds of hatred? Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to pass on wisdom and love? My question to you is this: How would you like to be remembered?”

The roar of applause from the studio audience brought a grin to Jasper’s face. He snuggled deeper into the cushions of the chair he sat on, posture perfect, the very definition of confidence. The daytime host beside him nodded in approval and for a moment, everything was glorious. It was if answering that question ended the battles between supernaturals and humans. The sky would offer rays of gold, the birds would sing Pit-zen! Pit-zen…the credits would start rolling—

“And now questions from our viewers at home!” The sing-song voice of the host ended the applause, along with Jasper’s illusion. She tossed the cards in her hands over her shoulder, pulling out a new set from underneath her chair’s cushion.

Jasper’s eyes widened and his mouth fell open.

What the hell?!

The supernatural spokesman recovered quickly, however, motioning the host closer so he could whisper in her ear, “We never agreed to this!”

“My show, my rules!” The host sat back in her chair while Jasper tried masking his anger. She flipped through a few cards before landing on one with a satisfied hum. “Okay, so werewolves have lots of fur, correct? How often do you shave? And do you shave everything?”

The audience roared once more.Jasper lowered his head into his hands.

Damn those curious humans!

Ever since the supernatural world had been exposed, questions were thrown as quickly as punches. Humans who were pro-supernatural—or curious in general—wanted to know more about the lives living alongside their own. And since Jasper Pitzen was front-and-center fighting for supernatural equality, he was the target of such nonsense. He had left the show’s studio later that day to find “Pitzen is the pits” smeared on the side of his limousine in dog shit. When he arrived at his apartment complex, a woman walking her dog asked if he could translate her dog’s barking for her. To which Jasper replied “may you and your dog have a fantastic day!” He finally made it to his room’s door, where another bag of dog food was waiting for him.

Shit!

And then there was the press conference. Oh, God. The press conference. Supernatural lovers and haters alike crowded the entrance of the building. It was there that a man asked if Jasper could hear his boyfriend cheating on him from the other side of the city (as if the area around them wasn’t loud enough), some people threw trash at him, a handful of people wanted autographs (Jasper even signed someone’s ass!), and a group of women wanted him to bite them.

“Bite them.” Jasper had told his bodyguard, “They wanted me to bite them. This isn’t some teen werewolf drama on TV. This is real life. The bite is a curse.”

What made matters worse was that Jasper didn’t get flak from the humans, but from his peers and other supernaturals as well. They laughed at him, asking him random werewolf questions they already knew the answers to just to get a reaction. It amazed Jasper how they acted as if their lives weren’t on the line, as if this was one big joke. Fighting for equality was never easy; these added obstacles made things much harder.

Was anyone actually listening to him if they were laughing?

As much as Jasper loved the celebrity treatment, was it hurting his chances of repealing the very laws that bound him to a life of scrutiny? Were the humans slowly seeing him as an equal?

Some days Jasper wanted to go back to his life of partying, doing lines of cocaine and sleeping with as many people his king-sized bed could hold. Instead he was subjected to moments of sitting on the floor in the fetal position, rocking back and forth as the tears kept flowing, wishing everything would just stop.

But the world doesn’t stop for anyone. Not even Jasper Pitzen.

Any questions/concerns/things you’d like to change: (siblings to add, pronouns, sexuality you’d like to specify, personality, face claim, history, etc., etc.)

As much as I read the plot/everything on Jasper, it’ll probably take me some time to catch up on everything that has happened so far and really let it soak in.

[dontyougiveuponme]

6/7/2021 - Update and post of Vampires

Hello tumblr, it has been a while. I have this website pinned but I never bother to write anything. It’s been a little over two years since I last wrote. Yet again, I feel stagnant, or even getting worse. I feel like I’ve changed. I like to think that I’m not the kind of person that changes. I always tell everyone that asks me how I’ve been that everything is the “same old shit”. I feel far away from the person I once was. I can understand that we all mature in different ways, but I don’t want to be a person that I, myself do not like. I’ve turned cynical, critical, judgmental, just an overall non-believer of anything good or positive. Much of the day I can’t say I have any positive thoughts apart from laughing at dumb memes, but I can’t say that counts for anything substantial. I haven’t accomplished much at all within these past two years, and it’s weighing heavy on my mind. I really do want to fix myself and my bad habits. I’ll be 29 this year, so by the time I hit the big three zero, I want to have my life and visions together. In order to take steps in this light, is the reason I decided to write again. I am constantly feeling tired both mentally and physically pretty much everyday of my life now, and I can say that it’s probably the worst it’s been. I don’t remember the last time I got some decent rest. My mind is polluted with so much bullshit I can only manage the upkeep of basic day to day living. My productivity and creativity are in the dump. This shit sucks, hopefully I can organize my thoughts and convince myself to change! Here we go..

Vampires, things that drain my energy:

Phone/social media - Social media is a piece of shit. It amazes me how I keep opening up IG on my phone to just scroll valuable moments of my life away. There’s many times I see things I really don’t like seeing and it actually makes me mad. I hate seeing political shit. Everything has an agenda now. Everyone is a hero now. Everything is money now. Rarely do I see things that I like on there (Isn’t that the whole reason to have the damn thing anyway?). There’s not much genuine things on social media anymore, it’s all just recycled trash. They literally show that shit in your feed even though you’re not subscribed/following them. Everything is an ad now. So much sales pitching, even for oneself as a brand. There’s nothing genuine about it in my eyes, and I really would like to live with less of it. It’s impossible to avoid completely in regular daily life now. I don’t need to be consuming half as much of  all this bullshit on social media. Actually there’s also another side of social media that’s related to my next vampire.

Porn - Some social media posts are kinda like porn. You know the things (TikToks/Reels) you just keep watching over and over.. and over again? It might not necessarily make your peepee feel funny but there’s definitely some kind of strange chemical reactions going on in your brain when you watch that shit. It’s a vampire, like porn is. Porn, I feel like is actually huge in terms of draining energy. I mean of course in moderation, masturbation actually can’t be terrible for you, but what I want to talk about is the frequent kind (lol). I think doing it everyday is too much, especially as you get older. I can’t say I’ve ever came and felt a rush of energy, I usually just pass the fuck out (maybe I should look in to some Kama Sutra shit or something). I’m not an expert on health, but it can’t be good to put your body under the stress of manufacturing all that semen over and over, day after day, after day. I think naturally if there was too much semen, you’d just have a wet dream or something. I mean, it’s been a while since that’s happened to me though. Anyways, I think the body could use some rest from too many orgasms! Yeah I said it. It’s also really draining mentally as well. I feel worse mentally after watching porn than physically (DUH). Well to put it bluntly, porn is fucked up. I can’t quite put my finger on it (uhhhh nasty), but it’s just not right to enjoy watching people have sex and stuff. I’m just a viewer of porn. I’m indirectly supporting this machine that is destructive. I understand that there’s women (and men) that see great success in their lives from the porn industry, and I can’t knock that, although it may confuse me, maybe it is some people’s true passion to suck 100 guys dicks in one sitting. I DON’T KNOW. I just can’t help but feel bad when I see a girl that is clearly beautiful, could have been an actress or a model, and there she is taking it up the shitter. A part of me dies a little bit every time I get off, and think of deeper things like that. I don’t think that if any of those women had a chance to do something else and be successful, they wouldn’t ever choose to do porn. It’s just not fair to them, and now that I think about it, it’s crazy that their success depends on the base of fucked up viewers that they have. Not a pretty thought on all levels, also considering the women that did it and did not succeed. Overall, porn makes me feel like shit, and I need to stop fucking watching it.

Drugs - I can’t deny how nice the idea of having a few drinks or an having occasional cigarette. They’re great socially. By yourself though (which I tend to do often), it is a sad thing. I think it is a sad thing even with other people, when there’s not much reason to be consuming drugs. I understand that they can be a “social lubricant”, but really when you are consuming so much of it you can’t really call it a lubricant. It’s more like a flood, or like a wave that everyone is just riding, instead of people interacting normally. Drinking in excess for me has been common, too common I’d say. I would drink (a lot) with friends maybe every weekend. Recently, I’ve snapped and yelled at some of my friends in some kind of drunken rage (which is actually not even the first time) . This kind of behavior makes me very uncomfortable. I want to be happy and laugh with my friends, not be angry. Drinking is terrible for sleeping as well. You wake up feeling like complete trash, and your whole day has already passed. It steals a lot of life away. Moving on, cigarettes were an everyday thing for me. It was never so bad as to a pack a day, but I’d say I would do a pack or maybe two in a week, so a few a day. Cigarettes are nice in a social setting in a different way from alcohol, it sort of makes you more alert. In regular day to day life though, they are like taking a breath of fresh air. I know how ironic it sounds (lol), but the most common application is to have a cigarette after work. It stimulates you and somehow relaxes you at the same time. In that way cigarettes for me are such a chill drug, like you can’t get “drunk” on them if that makes sense. To be sitting listening to music and enjoy a cigarette is a subtle, but nice feeling. Apart from all that, they do make you feel like shit in a strange very obvious addiction kind of way. You always want one. The triggers are wide. They make you short on breath in physical activity. It does actually have some reactions in your brain to produce feel-good chemicals, so it does steal away some “happiness”. It is also very bad for health long-term, as is drinking too. I need to sober up and look at these drugs from a more mature perspective. I would love to be able to control my usage of them, because I can’t help it; I love beer, I love whiskey, and a cigarette tastes amazing sometimes.

General laziness/boredom - The biggest sign, sleeping way too much. There has to be more to life (lol). I can’t control my naps, they end up taking hours. This happens even after I get enough sleep. There’s so much to do, so much fun, so much building to be done, and what do I do? I’M FUCKING BORED. I’m so spoiled, or a better word I like to use, rotten. In general, I would safely say that boredom is the cause, and the other things listed above (phone, masturbation, drugs), are the effect. If I can learn how to properly control my boredom, I could effectively control all those vices. I think this should be a post on it’s own so I’ll try to attack this and write about it later.

Anyways, It’s sorta sad in a weird way that I haven’t been able to update in a while. So many things have happened. My cat (Nibbler) almost had to get put down and got surgery for free (He is doing great). The old place in Norcross I was renting got burned out, I lived with my brother for two months, and found a new place. I have a girlfriend now (albeit on and off). I’ve been working with my friend for almost two years now, no longer typing away at an office job. My sister Alisha moved to Japan, and very recently my youngest sister Anna finally turned 21. Time passes by and so many big things happen, it’s sad to not write about it. I know I was keeping a physical planner/diary, but I feel like on here I can write more freely and deeper (I don’t know why). Anyways, I hope not too much time passes before I write again. Until next time. ^-^

[douchebagbrainwaves]

YOU GUYS I JUST THOUGHT OF THIS

Actually what they care most about is your traffic, then what other investors think, then the team. Sometimes I can't think of an answer, especially when they're related in unexpected ways. If it failed, for making such an apparently prudent investment. I know I learned from Michael Rabin: that the best way to solve a problem is often to redefine it. 2-1/i. Your target market has to be a domain expert. So having an ambitious long-term plan pleases everyone. The percentage of female hackers is small, but they aren't the only places that do. 1/1-n. There may be a variant of doing things that don't scale. That's where companies cross the line.

If the company's valuation is $2 million, $90k is 4. An essay you publish ought to tell the reader something new and useful; work in fairly big quanta of time; when you restart, begin by rereading what you have so far; when you finish, leave yourself something easy to start with a problem that needs solving and you can solve it manually, go ahead and do that for as long as you can; rewrite it over and over; cut DEL: out: DEL everything unnecessary; write in a conversational tone; develop a nose for bad writing, so you could use the two ideas interchangeably. And they're full of exactly the right kind of friends. What people usually say is not that they can't leave. Investors always say what they really think. They're tricked by misplaced ambition. Project managers at Yahoo were called producers, for example.

These companies may be far from failures by ordinary standards. And in fact, all a mistake. 1/i. I asked if they'd still be interested in—the sort of startup that approaches them saying the train's leaving the station; are you in or out? The reason Sequoia is such a great idea, why hasn't someone else already done it? That would definitely happen if programmers started to use handhelds as development machines—if handhelds displaced laptops the way laptops displaced desktops. Dartmouth, the University of Vermont, Amherst, and University College, London taught English literature in the 1820s. 1%-4. Could Americans have nice places to live without undermining the impatient, individualistic spirit that makes us good at software? Better to get a million dollar idea to thinking of a mistaken question. Where you live should make at most a couple percent difference.

Hipness is another thing you wouldn't have seen on the list that are surprising in the light of history. At the very least, that worry will now be out in the same spirit. I think the odds are better than 50-50 that the Windows killer—or more accurately, Windows transcender—will immediately reply that you'd be competing with Microsoft, that you couldn't give people the kind of work—discovering new problems to solve. You'll depart from sincere, but never arrive at convincing. And when you convince them, use the same matter-of-fact language you used to convince yourself. Most investors decide in the first year of a startup. If there were such a firm, I'd recommend it to startups in preference to any other, no matter how prestigious. American ears. I want to reach users, you do it unconsciously. Only a great designer can.

And curiously enough, taking rejection less personally may help you to get rejected less often. You need that resistance, just as a carver needs the resistance of the wood. I think they're so close that you can get away with this is that they can do a deal in 24 hours if they need to fix anything? If instead of seeming evasive and ashamed about having been turned down and thereby implicitly agreeing with the verdict you talk candidly about what scared investors about you, you'll see them reaching for ideas: they'll be saying but what about x? And it is a very rare product that can't be made dramatically cheaper if you try. Real thought, like real conversation, is full of half-baked applications. The other side may even break the deal; if they do. One is a combination of shyness and laziness. Do I really want to support this company? I'm imagining it. They're rich. One thing that leads us astray here is that the customer doesn't want what he thinks he wants.

One of the most interesting surprises are unexpected connections between different fields. Grad school is the other end of the spectrum from a coding job at a big company it's necessarily the dominant one. They win by noticing that something is taking off a little sooner than everyone else. You'll be doing different things when you're acquiring users a thousand at a time, and the best startup ideas look initially like bad ideas, it's not so pretty. Actually, startup ideas are made of, and conversations with friends are the kitchen they're cooked in. But the more you learn, the more easily you'll notice new ones. In Airbnb's case, these consisted of going door to door in New York would feel like a second class citizen. But companies do.

Then they heard a rival VC firm was also interested. But of course there was no rational basis for their decision. It varies depending on what you're saying. I think this is often the case. At YC we use the term Collison installation for the technique they invented. Foreword to Jessica Livingston's Founders at Work that Ars Digita's VCs did this to them. Why bother? Dylan: Scheme has no libraries.

When you look at the historical evidence, it seems to matter more than that? It sounds like making movies works a lot like high school girls. Which makes it easier to remember that Dublin was also established by Vikings in the 840s. For example, suppose you're saving a piece of cake. So if you want to do it, then it is hard, at least successful ones, tend to be calmer and more upstanding; they don't need to market themselves to the investors who are their customers—the endowments and pension funds and rich families whose money they invest. Do I really want to support this company? For example, most VCs would be very reluctant to invest in those that at least have the advantage, from each one's point of view, and they were all trying to de-emphasize search? All it takes is for one big investor to cool on you, and the company seems more valuable if it seems like all the good ideas came from within. But they're not the final step. Ruby: Perl is a kludge.

[estherellabella]

How Public Relations Found Me

So, this year has been an absolute rollercoaster. At the beginning of the year, I was working for Lush Fresh Handmade Cosmetics at the flagship store of the country, I had just gotten a promotion and I was really enjoying the freedom of earning a salary! I had made some great friends and I had built some fun relationships along the way!

Last year, my mom was on my case about applying to go study something because "who's going to look after you when we aren't there anymore?" but after the previous mess that studying BComm was for me, I was very hesitant to go back to study. Like I recall quite a few conversations that I had that went something along the lines of "I am never going back to study ever again. It doesn't work for me. I hate having to write tests. I hate having to study. I hate everything about it." I'm sure life was laughing at me, because look at me now!

Anyway, I filled out the application and I chose the following 3 options and in this order:

1.       Marketing Management

2.       Events Management

3.       Public Relations and Communications

When I applied, I was hoping to get into events (Lord knows why I put it as my second option but nevertheless), and for both events and PR, I needed to submit a portfolio / essay of why I wanted to study that particular programme. I didn't submit any documentation, and just went on my way. I started working at Lush and thought hey, maybe this is what life has in store for me, considering that I didn't hear anything from them (cue more laughter from life). (Let's just talk about how amusing my little ideas must be to life sometimes.) It was towards the end of January 2018 when I got a phone call from CPUT saying that orientation for PR starts the following Monday, and they'd just like to remind me of that. To say I was shocked was a complete understatement. I suddenly found myself having to decide between working for a reputable company, selling a product that I was extremely passionate about and going to study something I wasn't really sure what it even was. So I went to the first day of orientation and absolutely fell in love. I remember hearing one of my lecturers speak and seeing her passion for this industry helped me realise that this is what I should be doing with my life.

So what is public relations actually? You've probably heard about it, but could never really pinpoint what it actually was. When I applied, I was just like "mmmkay, this seems cool" and sent my application in. Public relations is basically about managing the public's perception of a company. Obviously, as a company, you'd want this to be a favourable view so you get someone to manage your social media and run competitions, you get someone to send packages to influencers that contain your new product, this person will put on launch events when you launch a new range etc. Public relations is basically about subconsciously convincing people why they need your business over somebody else's. A really great example of PR are the OutSurance ads with Katlego talking to people who have scored savings on their premiums thanks to the customer service of their call centre agents. Not once is the aspect of the actual insurance spoken of, instead OutSurance attempts to portray themselves as a company that cares about helping their customers to save as much as they can on monthly premiums instead of just seeing customers as policy numbers and having to pay out their claims (watch the ad here if you don't know what I'm talking about)

I left my job, missed a month of campus working out my notice period and started studying PR full-time, being 5 years older than most of my peers and having to learn things theoretically that I had already learned while out in the real world. I had to relearn many things, like how to study, how to speak to people who aren't on the same level that I am, and possibly, the most difficult aspect of them all, working in damn groups all the time.

I can't tell you what it is specifically that I love about PR. I'm pretty sure that a big contributing factor to my affection is because I'm doing my qualification at an institution that makes use of work-integrated learning. This means that my course is not all theory, we do quite a bit of campaign planning for real-life, actual campaigns - this is definitely one of my favourite aspects because it allows me to network with people that are in the industry already, and I get to experience what it's like to plan an event. PR is also a great combination of journalism, events management and marketing. It's all very closely linked but PR allows me to explore all of these spheres in one go, and in a very interactive way. Over the past 6 months, I have built such strong foundations with my fellow students and my lecturers which is something that I thought I'd struggle with that aspect but I find it so much easier now that I have life experience. (Thank you retail, for forcing me to speak to people that I don't know)

That brings me to another point, I realised that literally each and every single job/major life experiences that I have ever had has taught me something that I am now applying to my studies. Lush taught me how to manage a group efficiently and forced me to find ways to interact with people on a level that they respond positively to, Home Brewed taught me how to manage a business and to communicate professionally, Ignite taught me how events work and the hard work that goes into it and leaving UWC taught me that I should trust my gut because it will lead me to greater things. It's so weird for me, to sit in a meeting, planning our next event and watching all these previously learned skills just click into place. Life has a funny way of leading us to something, isn't it?

I thoroughly enjoy what I do. I know I probably irritate the people who follow me on my socials with all the posting I do on behalf of CPUT to promote whatever events we're working on, and I'm sorry (#sorrynotsorry). I actually don't have a choice and it's actually part of my course to sit on social media most of the time (I mean, that's always lots of fun, let's be honest). This course is probably one of the most emotionally, physically, mentally draining things that I've ever done, and there's so much more that's still coming but at the same time, I am so flipping happy doing what I am. I don't want you to skim over that previous sentence because for me, being happy is so much more than what it sounds like. It's not just about a fleeting feeling of happiness, instead it's about feeling like I wanna continue with this even though it gets tough.

I'm about halfway through my first year, and honestly, it's such a shock to me that I can enjoying studying something as much as I do. This course definitely isn't for everyone, it requires tons of hard-work, exceptional problem-solving skills and its definitely highly stressful. I can guarantee that many of my classmates won't agree with this but I thoroughly enjoy what I'm doing. Shout out to life for throwing me this wonderfully unexpected curveball that has changed my life for the better.

Thank you for sticking around until the end of this incredibly long, babbly post and I hope that I at least managed to teach you a little bit more about both myself and the wonderful world of Public Relations!

[everyone-is-lovelyy]

What’s your deepest fear? I’ve been faced with some serious fear the past few months of my life. My fear of losing the people close to me, especially my parents, has seriously escalated since my father has had a stroke. I am trying to deal with it but I think I am almost irrational at points and it really controls me in an unhealthy way. Secondly, I do have this fear of wasted potential. I am aware of my qualities, or am becoming more aware of them, and even though that’s, on the one hand, great, it’s also nerve wrecking because I constantly feel like I am not doing as much as I could be. 

Share a memory that makes you smile every time you remember it. What has been coming back to me a lot in the past few weeks has been memories from Cinque Terre. Remembering sunbathing on the large cliffs, reading Lydia Davis and then jumping into the sea. Eating fried kalamari while exploring the villages. It’s quite a jumble really, but all of the memories from that weekend are wonderful. One specifically, when Petar and I were returning to our B&B, which was situated in a tiny village close to Cinque Terre. Truly tiny, the entire village spanned about three blocks. We were desperate to have a proper sit-down meal, however nothing was open seeing as it was past 9 in the evening - which for a small Italian village means it’s time to call it a night. We were wandering and just about decided to return to the B&B and wait it out until breakfast when an old Italian man yelled us over. He was closing his pizzeria soon but offered to keep it open so that we could have some dinner. We sat on the balcony, had pizza and so much wonderful, cheap, white wine and the owner would occasionally come join us and speak in the broken English. It was magic.  What was the last thing you google searched? Oh god haha. How to spell romantic in French. Are you a dreamer or a do-er? A dreamer. But I want to be a do-er. Still in development. Share one of these dreams of yours. Not being scared of contacting local organizations and companies, asking for internships. Taking the initiative even though I may get rejected. Quite a rational, adult dream ey? Has anyone told you they wanted to fuck you recently? Yes. What are your views on gay people? What kind of views can any normal human have? Would you ever have sex with a member of the same sex? Yes.

Have you ever just felt like giving up? Yeah, it’s easy for me to fall into those pits. Is there anything you are holding back from telling somebody? Nope. Well there are certain, small things. But I don’t consider them secrets really seeing as they are entirely private and only affect myself. Do you think the last person you kissed has feelings for you? Yeap.

Do you wish someone would show up at your front door right now? Haha why not! It’s always a nice surprise :)

Do you get high a lot? Not really. I enjoy getting high but it’s a hassle to get my hands on drugs here and I’d much rather spend my money on other things. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? Petar, we fell asleep mid conversation. Is there anything you are hiding from yourself? Sort of? There are things I am aware of but am trying to hide from myself but am very aware I am trying to hide from myself?  Are you an emotional person? Yes, I’m a sensitive person. How do you feel right now? Calm, a bit tired, and happy to be spending some time alone :3 Would you ever get a tattoo? I have 5 and would like a few more, and to fix one I already have. Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? Objectively, yes. I think I am doing quite well for someone that just finished university. But...I always want more. Are you one of those people who can’t go without their morning coffee? I prefer my morning tea but have ran out so lately it’s been shitty instant coffee at work. What was the last photograph you took? I believe it was a snap of sushi? Heh

What was the last hot food you ate? A donut with sprinkles and white icing! Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No! How often are you optimistic? It comes in phases. Generally, I am a pessimistic person but I actively try not to be. Would you say your thoughts are generally rational and logical or irrational and illogical? Oof. It’s such a destructive mix. For things related to my career and education, my family and my friends, I am logical and rational. When it comes to more emotional aspects, regarding relationships or my perception of things in my life, I am irrational as all hell.  Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? Not at the moment. Are you the type to pay attention to detail? Yes. That’s my favorite thing about Belgrade actually. To you, what is especially distracting? Quite a typical answer I suppose but social media. Largely, Instagram. I know everyone adamantly claims it should not have any effect on your self-perception of self-worth but it does, it really does! What are some things that are important in your life right now? Yoga, I can tell I’m getting back into it and I try to find time to do some yoga everyday. Devoting my time to people that fill me with energy. Lately, that’s been my family mostly. My boyfriend and a few selected friends, like two. But that’s okay. Having time for myself is the most important to me right now, it focuses me and motivates me to keep doing what I want to do. And the money I’m earning. It’s important to me because it feels great to take a financial load off of my parents and because it is providing me with a chance to save some money to travel a bit. When was the last time you did some major cleaning? About two weeks ago. Sorted through old clothes, drawers, old papers and folders.  Have you ever thrown anything away, and regretted it later? Not really.  Are you the type to regret things, or live and learn? Live and learn, as cheesy as it is. How often do you feel like you need time to yourself? Literally all the time. This week has been a good balance because I’ve only made plans to do things that I truly want to do and have devoted a bit of time everyday to read, work out and relax. Do you like being around other people? Why is this? It depends. Certain people get on my nerves quite easily so I really need to make sure I don’t spend too much time with them. I’m an emotional sponge and it’s easy for that to take me away from myself. With that being said, if I really enjoy someone’s company, I love being around people. Do you feel like anyone “gets” you? Who? Yes. My Mom, it’s always easy to talk to her. She understands me better than anyone. A few friends, sadly most of them don’t live here but even a short chat or Skype with them means a lot to me because they truly understand me on a much deeper level than most people here. And my boyfriend, thankfully that has become a given. What would you be most likely to do with a friend, today? Exactly what I did! We went for a walk and for dinner :) When are you most likely to be crabby? If I haven’t gotten a good nights sleep and there is a day of work ahead. How about upbeat and cheerful? Weekends when I wake up earlier of my own accord and then I suddenly have so much more time to do things during the day. Who challenges you the most? In what way? Courage. Or lack thereof. And indecisiveness.  Who seems to hold you back? In what way? Me. Myself. In every way. According to the Myer-Briggs test, what personality type are you? I did this a while ago but completely forgot! I should do one again. What has been preoccupying your mind today? Just whether I will be able to find an internship that I am actually interested in and how much I will blame myself if I don’t.

What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? I passed up (not formally yet, but yeah) the opportunity to continue this job for another year with a pay raise. Would you rather have a quiet day at home, or be on the go? When it’s this awful weather outside then most definitely a quiet day at home :3 Do you think you made a good impression on the last person you met? Yeap, I think so How do you feel about people who neglect their pets? Don’t fucking have them then. Should there be an application process for having children? Maybe a psychological screening of some sort. Anything else would be to dystopian and would backfire. But perhaps a psychological screening, just to ensure that the people having/adopting the children in question can care for them and emotionally support them. I reckon that would be next to impossible to test though, not to mention how would anyone come up with a general rule as to what it means to be a supportive parent. It must be different, obviously individually, but also culturally. 

Are you able to ask for help when you need it? Nope. Not even a little bit. I am so fucking stubborn. How intense is your anger? Have you ever hurt anyone/yourself? It is awful, I can’t handle being angry very well and just end up bursting into tears. But when the anger actually does come out as actual anger, I could probably tear an entire house down. I go rampant. What is something red that you like to eat? Strawberries! Do you ever have trouble getting lighters to work? Nope If someone drinks, would that lower your opinion of that person? No, I don’t really care.  What if they did drugs? Once again I don’t really care but I feel a bit concerned for people that do it all the time. The same goes for drinking though, I suppose. More so for drugs Do you know anyone who is abusive? Are you abusive? I do, I know a lot of people. And I think I do have a streak to me that can sometimes begin to act emotionally abusive when I am in a bad relationship. Which is something I try to understand often, it’s not a side of myself I like to think about. Have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? Yes. If your best friend wanted to cheat on his/her partner, you would say? It depends on their relationship, the context, on a hundred different factors. I wouldn’t encourage it, just because it’s a mess, emotionally and otherwise but I wouldn’t judge either. Who do you know that gives very sound advice? My mum and my best friend. What do you think makes a person weak? Cowardice. What makes a person strong? Empathy, the courage to stand up for others, a sense of humor in times of hardship.

Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? I am gentle towards others. And I’m a goof.

Who do you go to when you need comfort? Generally Willa and Ksenija. Willa gives me honest advice and is sympathetic to anything I am going through which is oftentimes what I need to hear and feel before I try to go ahead solving whatever problem is in front of me. Ksenija can be harsh, but she has a dose of humor that comforts me immensely.

Is there anyone/thing with whom/which you like to cuddle? My puppy and kitty. They will sleep with me tonight Do nightmares still bother you? I can shrug them off more easily now but I still get a bit shaken up by them At what age did you start to feel like a teen, and not a kid anymore? Around the age of 17

Are you or were you in a hurry to grow up? Not consciously but now that I reflect on it, I was in such a hurry to grow up and did a lot of things to early and before I was supposed to. I wish I had prolonged this childhood innocence for a bit longer. What is a fear you have about living on your own? That someone will break into the apartment and I won’t know how to face them on my own.  Who was the last person to completely fascinate you? Yesterday, I finished reading My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferante (definite recommend!) and the narrator of the story, Elena Greko, was completely fascinating to me. What a great and realistic character.