#in the movies it’s not like they can spend the same amount of time focussing on like shrubs the way tolkien does in the books

[crowwithahotdog]

Anytime anyone used to say how the lord of the rings movies were too violent and battle-centric I always thought like yeah okay there are some pretty nasty parts for sure and I hadn’t read the books myself then so I couldn’t really argue but now that I’m actually reading the books I’m honestly surprised to see that a lot of the violence and horror that I had just assumed were added in to the movies for shock value and drama are things that are straight from the text. Like the Uruk hai head on a spike in two towers or the catapults shooting the men’s heads who had fallen at osgiliath over the walls of minas tirith…….that shit is fucked

[blu-joons]

DATING SUPER JUNIOR HEADCANON A⇴Z ⇴ Kim Heechul

A ⇴ AFFECTION

He is very affectionate with you, no matter the situation. You knew from the moment you met him how flirty he was, and that often translates with how often he likes being as close to you as possible so he can tease you.

B ⇴ BEFORE DATING

You were very aware of how popular he was when you first met him, you brushed his behaviour aside as him just trying to be nice. It was only when he began to call you and ask you out for coffee you began to think that maybe there was something more to the two of you. Heechul tried to be subtle and play it cool, but everyone knew he was into you.

C ⇴ CONFESSION

Most of his previous relationships hadn’t worked out, so Heechul knew to confess to you with the confidence that he saw this one working out. He invited you out to dinner one night, a lot fancier than the places that the two of you usually met at. From the moment you sat down that night you had the feeling that was something was going on, only for it to be confirmed when Heechul began to tell you exactly how he felt.

D ⇴ DATES

He tried to protect you from the outside a lot, which meant plenty of dates ended up at his place. He’d usually order food in, to protect his kitchen getting messy, and find a good movie or sitcom for the two of you to watch. Dates in public always worried him as he didn’t know who was watching, he’d usually take you out on anniversaries or birthdays, or if you’d had a rough day. It never bothered you though where the two of you were, Heechul always made a date exciting regardless of where you both were.

E ⇴ EXPERIENCE

It’s no secret that he’s been on several dates and been in several relationships, but none of them tended to last. He’d never allowed it do discourage him as he always held out for the one, who he felt like he’d found with you. There was something between the two of you that felt different from all his previous relationships, you stood up to him and didn’t always give him what he wanted, which he loved. He loved how you pushed him to the limit and made him work for his relationship like no one ever had done before.

F ⇴ FIGHTING

At times it felt like Heechul was too busy for there even to be time for the two of you to argue. If you do, it’ll take time to get over it. He tries not to let them effect his work, but there’s been several times when he’s arrived at a broadcast and had to fake a smile. The whole journey home is clouded by thoughts of going home to you, and when he does, that’s when the two of you sort things out. Neither of you ever argue over anything massive, but you certainly have your moments, just like every other relationship does too. He’s hot tempered at times, but he works hard to always have control around you.

G ⇴ GETTING TO KNOW HIS FAMILY

The most important thing to Heechul is his family, he was more nervous than you to introduce you to them. If anything, it helped you bond with his family quicker as you joined in with their teasing and made sure he knew how stupid he was for ever fretting. He tried to convince you it was his plan all along, but you all knew better than that.

H ⇴ HOME

He’s very comfortable at home, things are done exactly the way he likes them. It would take him along time to build the bond that would invite you to move in with him, it was a very gradual process. Little steps were best for you both, slowly he began to move you in and get comfortable with the changes before eventually moving you in properly.

I ⇴ “I LOVE YOU”

Of course, he was the first to say, ‘I love you,’ he’s a bit of a romantic at heart. He’d come back after a long day to see you’d sorted everything out at the apartment, and his heart just swelled. His arms wrapped around you, twirling you around as he whispered those three words into your ear as just a small token of his appreciation for what you’d done.

J ⇴ JEALOUSY

He never really got jealous in your relationship, he enjoyed seeing you happy and getting on with all his friends. That was also something you tried hard to do, you knew it was in his character to be flirty and confident, but sometimes you wondered if he did cross the line. Heechul would always be able to tell when you were beginning to feel uncomfortable, which was where his affection came in, pulling you away from the group or the situation and giving you a huge reassuring hug.

K ⇴ KIDS

It was a subject that Heechul hadn’t given much thought to over the years as he was so focussed on his career. Only when you mentioned it one night did Heechul really begin to think about it. He’d been a dad to animals for years, but kids were a whole new challenge. But they were also a challenge he knew he wanted to embrace with you, he wasn’t getting any younger, and a family definitely was something he wanted to start thinking about.

L ⇴ LAUGHTER

It was impossible for you not to spend your days laughing away when Heechul had such a loud laugh. The sound of his cackle would often fill the house, bringing a smile to your face. He was prepared to do anything to make you smile, he never judged himself too seriously, no matter who was watching. His sarcastic and witty remarks would always take you by surprise when you least expected them, unable to stop yourself from laughing at him. He’d spend all day making you laugh if he could, it was his favourite thing to do.

M ⇴ MISSING

He’d spent enough years travelling to adapt to being away from home, but that all changed when he met you. He felt like he was making his debut again, with a heavy heart and fogged mind as always, his days were spent thinking of you. He’d try and make things easier by sending you plenty of videos on tour, but his schedule was always so busy it was hard to find the time. Even if he went away for a day or two because of filming he struggled, he’d become so used to having you around, that it felt strange not having you around. He never thought he’d go back to the stage of yearning for someone, but then he met you.

N ⇴ NICKNAMES

The two of you never really settled on nicknames for each other, Heechul will come up with anything to address you by. A lot of it depends on you, but he tends to switch between something romantic and something he knows he’ll end up paying for later.

O ⇴ OBSESSION

He’s obsessed with your hands, he’s always taken great care of his, but the feeling of being able to hold onto someone else’s is a whole new, exciting feeling for him.

P ⇴ PDA

Heechul never cares who’s watching, if he wants to hug you or kiss you, then he will. He’s a little more reserved in front of cameras, but day to day he doesn’t mind. He’s happy to have you nice and close to him and make sure you feel loved and supported. If anyone says anything, he’s not afraid to put them in their place.

Q ⇴ QUESTIONS

The question he asks the most is always, ‘what are you laughing at?’ He’s not even aware of what he does half the time to make you laugh, he’ll just look around and see you sniggering, trying to work out what you found so funny.

R ⇴ RANDOM FACTS

To most, it’s random, but not to Heechul. He’s very meticulous about his home, and yours and his things. It’s well known that he invites guests to write their initials on their water bottles, and he encourages you to do the same with most of your things around the house. Whilst he wants you to feel welcome, he has a bit of a habit to place all of your things on the left, and his on the right, so that he can never get confused.

S ⇴ SEX

Playful. That’s the best way to describe Heechul, nothing is ever serious with him, and sex is included. The two of you have shared many intimate moments when suddenly he’ll tickle your sides or poke your cheek to make you laugh. Don’t think that doesn’t make him attentive though, he’ll still sing your praises and make sure you know that he loves you, even if he does always end up doing it with a wide smile.

T ⇴ TEXTS

Texts are handy for him in amongst his busy schedules, so he’ll text you quite often throughout his day. Whenever you glance down at your phone it’s typical that you’ll see at least three or four texts from him.

U ⇴ UNIVERSE

You were his best friend, even if he were comfortable around most people, you were the one he could really be himself around. He could let go and not think about a thing when he was with you, the whole world just felt right.

V ⇴ VACATION

With Heechul’s schedule it would be a bit of a miracle for the two of you to find the time to go on vacation, so he liked to get creative. He loved setting up his house with different items to make it feel like the two of you were on holiday, even though it wasn’t the real thing, the amount of effort he went to always meant the world to you.

W ⇴ WHINING

If you didn’t pay him attention when he wanted it, he would definitely whine. His pout would grow and grow until you eventually paid attention to him.

X ⇴ XXXXX

He’s very affectionate, which mean kisses are often yours. He’ll love to sneak up on you and press a kiss to your cheek or kiss the top of your head when he hugs you to remind you that he’s taller. His kisses are a very telling way of letting you know how he feels, sometimes they’ll be quick, other times they’ll be longer, but you can always read them perfectly and gauge what’s going on in his mind.

Y ⇴ YOU

You were his number one supporter, no one knew Kim Heechul quite like you did.

Z ⇴ ZZZ

It took him a while to get comfortable with having another person in his bed, over time he’d eventually learn to cuddle you and hold you whilst still be able to sleep comfortably. Once he was comfortable, he never, ever, let you go.

---

Masterlist

[ordinaryschmuck]

Top 10 Favorite Fictional Couples

Happy Valentines Day, people on the internet who probably won't read this! I'm an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons. And even though I'm a lonely bastard who will absolutely die alone one day, I am also a sucker for romance. If a story decides to include a cute couple in it, then you better believe I'm going to gush over them for an unhealthy amount of time for a man my age. Even more so if they answer the three most essential questions that I think applies to every romantic couple in fiction:

Why do they like each other? (Looks don't count. It can be an option, but it shouldn't be the only option.)

Would it make sense for them to be together? (Like, if this couple would exist in real life, would you expect them to last.)

Do they have chemistry? (This is the most important one as a couple can dominate just by the chemistry alone.)

So today, I am going to rank my top ten favorite couples in fiction, who just so happen to answer most, if not all, of these questions. Now, I could be cute and make a top fourteen list...but not too long ago, I just listed off the twenty best-animated series of the 2010s, so I think it's best if I stick to the basics. Also, I should make a few things clear:

A. These are couples, not ships. The pairing has to have a canon kiss, or at the very least, a canon confession to be on the list. This means sorry, Lumity fans, but Luz and Amity are not going to be on this list...even though they would absolutely be #1 if they could be!

B. The couple has to at least spend an entire episode being together, which means no last-minute hookups because the writers wanted to drag out the romantic tension. (Sorry, Catradora fans)

With that out of the way, let's get started with--

10. Laura Hollis and Carmilla Kernstien from Carmilla (Web Series)

The chemistry between these two is on point. Laura’s and Carmilla's actors Elise Bauman and Natasha Negovanlis are so convincing when acting like a couple that I am honestly shocked to find out they never actually dated. This is good because everything else about Laura and Carmilla's relationship is...kind of the worst. Don't get me wrong, as a couple, these two are fantastic, adorable, well-written, and well-performed. But the writers seem very fond of keeping them bickering and broken up rather than actually having them together. And that is where the issue lies. If the writers committed to Laura and Carmilla being together instead of doing this whole "will they or won't they" crap, on top of them being selfish idiots in season two, then you better believe they would be in the top three, at least. As they are, they at least act adorable enough to make the top ten.

9. Gregg and Angus from Night in the Woods

Ok, I'm gonna level with you: I just wanted to put an mlm relationship on this list, and this was the best I can come up with (I haven't seen Good Omens, nor have I finished Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts yet to see Benson's relationship with Troy. Leave me alone). As a male bisexual, I'm kind of disappointed. I know that male pairings exist in media, but for the life of me, I don't think they are as celebrated as much, or as frequent, as female pairings have been. This is sad because I would honestly love to see how more couples like Gregg and Angus.

These two act so much like a real couple. Gregg and Angus care and support each other so much, yet they still have big arguments as any couple would. They clearly love each other but still have issues they both need to deal with if they want to grow. Plus, I'm just a sucker for opposites attract. And you can't get more opposite than the loud and bombastic Gregg and his quiet and serious boyfriend Angus. There are probably better mlm pairings than these two (And if there are, then let me know. I'd love to check them out), but Gregg and Angus prove that any relationship, no matter the gender, can be the same as any other. Both the wholesomeness and the faults.

8. Peter Parker and Michelle Jones from the Marvel Cinematic Universe

I put these two a little low because we barely see them spend time as a couple. Peter and Michelle got together at the end of Spider-Man: Far From Home, and we only get a glimpse of how their relationship works in the last few minutes. However, I'm willing to argue that they count because they are guaranteed to be a couple in the sequels, and we'll be allowed to see them grow. How often do you get to say that for other fictional couples who get together at the end of a long story? Plus, Peter and Michelle earn extra bonus points for being the best couple in a Spider-Man movie. Michelle is a league's better character than the MJ in the Sam Rami trilogy, and the chemistry is still adorable but not overtly cutesy like it was in The Amazing Spider-Man movies. So even though Peter and Michelle just got together, they show a lot of promise, if you ask me. Their interactions are adorable, you can tell that Michelle likes Peter for Peter, and they are the most accurate depictions of young love you’ll ever see. Just look at that first kiss. It was one filled with inexperience and awkwardness and I just love it! I’m already interested in what these two have to offer and I can’t wait to see what happens next with them.

7. Andy Dwyer and April Ludgate from Parks and Recreation

The best description you'll ever hear about this couple is that they are what happens when a dog and a cat fall in love. Andy is dopey, happy, and loyal to no end. April is intimidating, cynical, and is already plotting your murder as we speak. What I'm saying is that these two shouldn't work...but they do. Somehow, by every leap of logic, Andy and April complete each other. They are both so far gone from reality, yet at the same time, both keep each other grounded in more ways than one. It's a weird paradox that never ceases to amaze, nor does it cease to be adorable. They do go through bullcrap love triangles and a "will they or won't they scenario" in seasons two and three, but once that crap is over, the writers lean into the potential these two have as a great couple. And trust me when I say that it is all lovely to watch.

6. Rapunzel and Eugene from Tangled: The Series

Huh. I guess romance really does exist after Happily Ever After.

Joking aside, I was surprised by how well these two work as a pairing. Usually, when the Disney Prince and Princess get together in the end, there is nothing more to the relationship. And even if their movie gets a spin-off series, the dynamic is as generic and forgettable as it can be. For Rapunzel and Eugene, it is different. Their chemistry is top-notch, their constant love and support for each other are admirable/adorable, and the complete trust they have for one another is absolute perfection. I was already surprised by how good Tangled: The Series was, but the fact that the main couple is somehow better here than they were in their own movie is something I would have never expected.

5. Rigby and Eileen from Regular Show

And seeing how we're talking about surprises, who saw these two being the best couple in the series? With the number of times that the writers focussed on Mordecai's romantic hang-ups and how often Muscle Man and Starla were considered the only canon couple, I was shocked when it turned out Rigby and Eileen have the best loving relationship in Regular Show. Even crazier, their relationship is built entirely in the background of the first six seasons. Since her introduction, Eileen has been head over heels for Rigby since the beginning (for reasons I'll never understand), and Rigby slowly reciprocated. Until the big reveal in the season six finale, there was nothing but implications as they were trying to hide their relationship and not rub how perfect it is in Mordecai's face (no matter how much Rigby wants to). But once we get to see them as an official couple, it all becomes clear why they work so well. Eileen loves Rigby for Rigby, and will always support him, faults and all. Rigby pays it all back in spades, wanting to be a better person, as well as a better boyfriend, for the one person who always believes there was something good inside. Not even his own best friend had that much faith in him. And on top of all of that, they're just cute. They may not have been the central hook in the series, but they are definitely much appreciated.

4. Chris and Elise from Dan Vs./Millie and Moxxie from Helluva Boss

These four are tied because they pretty much have the same dynamic. Chris and Moxxie are these pathetic losers who somehow managed to marry Elise and Millie: Badass assassins who could effortlessly marry any man they want. And what they want are their pathetic losers. It's extra wholesome for Chris and Elise, as Chris really can't do that much right, especially in comparison to the ever-perfect Elise. Yet, she still cares deeply for Chris and will promptly destroy anyone or anything that causes him harm. That being said, while Millie and Moxxie are both equally deadly, there is an odd hilarity to the fact that these literal demons from hell are so gosh darn wholesome. Seriously, their literal job is to kill people who screw over those who went to hell, and I'm always going "D'aww" when M and M always do something cute. Explain that logic to me!

There's nothing more I can say about these four, as they're adorable couples that prove love comes in the most impossible circumstances and the unlikeliest places.

3. Ruby and Sapphire from Steven Universe

I'll always remember that Ruby and Sapphire are the first couple that proved to me that there is nothing wrong with a same-sex pairing, especially in children's media. Before Steven Universe, I wasn't necessarily told that same-sex couples are wrong, but they're not meant for kids. Then I found out that these two girls, on a kids show of all places, we're madly in love and my first response was: "...Huh." And this was before I knew I was bisexual, so I wasn't even that obsessed about it at the time. But the more I saw Ruby and Sapphire, and the more I learned about how starved the LGBTQ+ was for representation, the more I really appreciated them. Ruby and Sapphire never fail to be precious, and the fact that they barely spend any longer than a few minutes apart is downright heartwarming (and incredibly literal if you've seen the show). They also broke a ton of barriers to proper representation. Not only were Ruby and Sapphire one of the first explicit lesbian couples in children's animation, but they're also the first ones to actually get married. Because of such a power move, many networks and shows make it less of a challenge for writers to include more gay characters in their stories. There is still a lot of hard work that those writers face, but it certainly seems it's less of a challenge than it would be before Steven Universe came out (Ha!). Ruby and Saphire are the first fictional gay couple I have been introduced to and have made an incredible impression ever since.

2. Princess Bonnibel Bubblegum and Marcelene Abadeer from Adventure Time

But while it's Ruby and Sapphire that introduced me to the concept of a same-sex couple, it's Princess Bubblegum and Marceline that made me root for one. In (I want to say) 2017, I started rewatching Adventure Time, knowing that queer relationships were indeed a thing. This means that not only did I finally caught the INCREDIBLY noticeable subtext in "What Was Missing," but I was legitimately chanting, "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" when I got to the episode "Varmints." And when they finally did kiss in the series finale, I full-on jumped out of my chair and screamed, "YES!" That never happens. Not even for the straight couples that I've obsessed over before this. Either I coo at how adorable they are, or just smile a warm and gentle smile. But letting out a very audible cheer that my college roommates definitely heard? That shows how deeply I cared for these two. And can you really blame me?

Not only is the chemistry on point with Bubblegum and Marceline, but it's interesting getting to see their relationship evolve through the course of the series. They have a dynamic of a couple who broke up on bad terms (long before "Obsidian" confirmed this), and you slowly get to see them reconnect to that spark they lost long ago. Plus, the more you see them interact, the more of their history is revealed, and thus it becomes clear why they fell for each other in the first place. Bubblegum keeps Marceline responsible, while Marceline helps Bubblegum learn how to loosen up. They balance each other nicely, and after some much needed growing up from the both of them, that spark returns. And they're much more of a loving unit than they were years ago. It's incredible to watch, and I would honestly see an entire spin-off series about them. But, as great as Bubblegum and Marceline are, there is a reason they are not my number one.

(There’s no art for this one because they’re characters from a book and I don’t want to steal someone else’s fanart for the sake of my crappy Tumblr post)

1. Percy Jackson/Annabeth Chase from Percy Jackson and the Olympians/Heroes of Olympus

And that reason is that I can't resist the first-ever pairing that I obsessed over. Percy and Annabeth might just be the example I live by for how couples should be written in media. Dynamic wise, of course. In terms of telling a story, their relationship was handled poorly in Percy Jackson and the Olympians. It was filled with agonizing love-triangles, a very long wait, and they were one of those couples who didn't get together until the end of the series. Which is a major no-no, in my opinion. But, when they finally get to be a couple in Heroes of Olympus, it is downright perfection. Percy and Annabeth are what happens if these two badass warrior heroes fell in love. They worry about each other and are willing to die for each other (if need be) but still have an intense amount of faith and trust for one another. The number of times Percy or Annabeth knew they would be alright because they have each other is incredibly high, no matter what series of books they appear in. They work well together, as well as off each other. Percy is this bumbling idiot who wins his battles through a mix of luck and skill, where Annabeth is this intelligent warrior who has trained since the age of seven. They compliment each other perfectly, and their constant playful bickering is always fun. I love these two, I love their love, and they will always be one of my favorite fictional couples in media.

(That is until Luz and Amity from The Owl House become cannon. In which case, you better believe they'll be number one.)

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And those are my favorite couples. Out of curiosity, what are yours? Or, at least, what are your top five? Don't feel afraid to let me know or even make a list of your own.

Have a happy Valentine's Day, with whoever you want to celebrate it with and however you want to do it.

Now, if you don't excuse me, I have an entire to-do list of s**t I have to do, and I gotta figure out which to work on first.

(Should I review Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles next, or do that scene breakdown for Amphibia? Oh, the possibilities are killing me...)

[ahockeywrites]

Chapter 1 - St Louis, Missouri

“And, I think that’s the last of it,” Addison exclaimed as she cut the parcel tape. She was moving from her hometown St Louis to Edmonton, Alberta to start her graduate job as an engineer. It wasn’t something she thought she would be doing with her physics degree as she had aimed to go into nuclear physics but MIT, her alma mater, was offering jobs at specific companies for selected students and she happened to be one of them. The selection wasn’t particularly broad but she always took certainty over ambiguity.

Addison Silver had grown up in St Louis to a hockey obsessed father and mother. Hockey obsessed probably wasn’t the right thing to say when her father was on the coaching staff of the St Louis Blues and her mother worked as a lawyer for the team, but it did mean she had a lot of contact with hockey players.

Her first introduction to the Tkachuk family was when Keith was traded to St Louis and they moved in a few doors down the road. She had just started kindergarten and was in the phase of introducing herself to everyone she could see, which included Matthew and Brady, who’s short legs struggled to catch the two older children.

As Addison was an only child, one of her few outlets of seeing other children was at kindergarten and the children of players. The latter were always her favourite as it was almost guaranteed that they shared the love of hockey that ran blood deep within her family.

Her first time on the ice, she was 5. Her dad didn’t want her to accidently hurt herself on the ice as she was prone to falling over almost anything. It was a family skate and as her dad tied up her skates, she saw a curly headed boy skating laps at speeds she wished she could. Taking her father’s hand, she tentatively walked on the blades to the ice. “Now, Addie, remember, bend your knees and don’t look down,” her father told her with a smile. She hesitantly nodded as a response. She was scared, but anything the boys could do, she could at least try to emulate.

Slowly, but surely, she gained confidence quickly on the ice and within 15 minutes she joined her curly headed friend skating laps around the rink. However, there was one thing her dad had forgotten to teach her. How to stop. It was a split second decision, crash into the boards or crash into Matthew. She chose to crash into Matthew. Luckily, she was small so didn’t cause him too much harm. “Sorry,” she mumbled. “Maybe I should learn to stop.”

“Don’t worry,” he said, offering her his hand, “we all have to learn at some point.” He smiled softly at her and helped Addison up.

As much as Addison loved hockey, it took her all of 30 seconds to realise she loved watching it and not playing it. Even with a helmet and padding, the boys in the group knew that they would be able to annoy the only girl in the group by pelting pucks at her. There was only one boy who didn’t, he even told them to stop. Matthew Tkachuk. He caught her green eyes with his baby blue ones and mouthed sorry. He knew it wouldn’t be enough, but he hoped it was something.

After this, Addison pulled away from hockey. Even at a young age, she knew she wanted to focus on school and her parents supported her. She excelled at mathematics and was often called to the Tkachuk household to help Matthew with the work he had to finish before practice. She got on well with the Tkachuk’s, even considering them a second family as she spent lots of time with them. When the trading deadline was close and practice ran late, Chantal was always there to pick her up from school along with Matthew and Brady. She became the big sister to Taryn and their relationship formed quickly once she could talk.

When Matthew moved to the USNTDP, Addison was sad, but it reminded her that she needed to focus on school as he was doing what he loved, she needed to do what she loved. She began to withdraw from all social events, with the exception of ones she was made to attend. She spent the majority of her time focussing on her AP classes which included mathematics and physics. Her sights were set on applying to both CalTech and MIT to major in physics. Her parents supported her every step of the way, knowing she would need it.

Her parents also noticed the shift whenever the Tkachuk’s came over for dinner, she would no longer spend as much time chatting to Brady and Taryn. This got worse when Matthew was home. It was a struggle to get Addison out of her room, she was always studying or reading around the subject of physics. Every birthday and Christmas she would compile a list of the newest books relating to applied mathematics.

Her seventeenth birthday came around faster than she could have ever imagined. She had opened all of the gifts aside from one. It was wrapped clumsily and in wrapping paper she had never seen before. The note attached read:

Dear Addie, I know I’m in Ontario right now, but I saw this and thought you’d like it. Enjoy Matthew x

It was small but simple. Particle Physics: A Very Short Introduction. Matthew knew that the content of this book was looked at briefly covered in Addison’s AP Physics classes but was her area of interest. “Who’s it from,” her mother asked, just as curious as Addison was.

“Matt, Matt Tkachuk,” she replied. Her mother looked slightly confused knowing that the two didn’t particularly speak anymore. “It must have been in the pile Chantal brought over yesterday,” Addison noted.

If it was even possible, Addison put more time and effort into her studies knowing that to go to her dream college she needed to. She sent herself into burnouts more often than she would admit, even to herself and wished she had someone around to help her. One night it got too much, her mother was still in the office and her dad was on a flyaway trip with the team. She called Matthew.

He picked up quickly, knowing that Addison only called when it was incredibly important. When she started talking, he knew something was wrong with her. She was speaking in broken sentences, kept sniffling and as soon as he tried to switch to Facetime, she declined. They weren’t as close as he may have wanted them to be, but usually she never cared what she looked like. It was one line that sent him into a frenzy and was looking at buying plane tickets back to St Louis. “Matty,” she whispered, “I’m scared. What if I’m not good enough for anywhere, what if I have to do nothing for the rest of my life. What if I’m never good enough for my parents?” The tears she was trying to hide began to flow faster than ever before.

“Addie, you are the smartest person I know, you could never disappoint your parents. You mean the world to them, no matter what. You will go to college, you will study exactly what you want and you will make everyone who knows you proud,” he said firmly. Addison was one of the most stubborn people he knew and if he didn’t make his point with enough power, she would pick holes. It was what initially drew him to her. The way she spoke to everyone with the same attitude, it didn’t matter if it was him, her mother or someone she had never met. Addison always spoke with authority and intelligence, even if she was clueless in the subject.

“Thanks Matt,” she said through tears. “I jus-just needed someone to talk some sense into my brain. You’re the best.”

“Addie, you can text me whenever. I know we’re not super close or anything, but your family means a lot to my family,” he explained, reassuring her that he wasn’t going anywhere. The call lasted until Addie’s sniffling had subsided and all Matthew could hear were the gentle snores from the other end of the line.

Addison graduated high school top of her class and had secured a place at MIT to major in physics. That entire summer was spent sneaking alcohol from their parent’s coolers into parties. Matthew had also returned and spent the summer attached at the hip to Addison. They did everything together, if one of them wanted ice cream, the other had to tag along. If one wanted to go and watch a movie in the basement, the other would be getting the snacks ready.

The feelings Matthew had felt before were nothing compared to the ones he had now. He looked over to see Addie’s long, brunette hair draped over her shoulders and noticed how the light sweeping of eye shadow made her eyes sparkle just the right amount. He had the perfect girl sitting next to him but he had no idea how to make the right move.

Addison looked over at Matthew, his curls still not under control. She thought, just maybe, they could end this summer as more than just friends. “Hey Matt,” she started, “is it bad that I’m 18 and haven’t kissed anyone yet?” His eyes widened, not expecting her to say that.

“No, it’s not bad at all,” he started, trying to find the right words, “if you’re waiting for the right person, it’s never bad.”

“Would you be my first kiss?” she blurted out, clearly her mouth was working faster than her brain. Yes she thought Matthew was attractive, but there was no way in hell she wanted to risk a friendship that was still in its infancy.

“I-I,” the curly headed boy stuttered. How on earth was he meant to answer that?

“If you don’t want to, that’s okay,” Addison began to ramble, “I just want it out of the way before I move to MIT. Like, what if I find someone really nice…”

“Addie, I’m gonna stop you there. You’re blabbering on,” he said with a small laugh. “But, if you want to get it out of the way before college, we can.” Addison audibly sighed with relief when she heard his statement. “Wanna go and watch a movie at mine?” Matthew knew he needed to change the subject, his feelings for her were becoming too real and he couldn’t admit to them just yet.

“Uh, yeah?” Addie reluctantly agreed, this did not help the butterflies she felt in her stomach. He didn’t outright say no, so she was hoping he felt something for her too.

They arrived back at the Tkachuk house and after greeting the other members of the family went down to the basement. Addison had already turned the television on and had Netflix up whilst Matthew had gone through their box of snacks and had found a bag of popcorn and a bag of skittles for them to share.

By the time the movie had started, Addison was curled into Matthew’s side with the snacks in her lap. “Addie, do you, you know,” Matthew started, trying to see if she was ready. She nodded slowly and leaned in to him. Their lips softly touched and once Addison had her first taste, she didn’t want to stop. The movie was long forgotten about and all the two wanted was to be in each other’s presence.

The sound of someone walking down the stairs to the basement caused them to jump apart. “Hey Addie, your parents want you back home for dinner,” they heard Taryn say.

“Okay, gimme a sec,” Addison squeaked, trying to hide the blush on her face. “Thanks for that,” she said, hoping the awkwardness she felt wasn’t reciprocated. “But, as Taryn said, dinner’s ready. I’ll text you?”

“Yeah Addie, I’ll see you soon,” Matthew replied. Addison quickly ran up the stairs and the few houses down to where she lived. Matthew sighed and ran his hands through his curls a few times to bring himself back down to planet Earth. He, Matthew Tkachuk, had just kissed a girl he had been harbouring feelings for since he was 10 years old, because she asked him.

As Addison walked into her house, she suddenly felt like a huge weight had fallen onto her shoulders. She had just kissed the boy that she had started gaining feelings for. Her parents noticed that something was wrong as she wasn’t eating as much of her dinner as usual. “Addie, are you okay?” her mother asked, hoping she would discuss what was on her mind.

“Yeah,” Addison sighed, not wanting to talk about what happened too much. “Just did a stupid thing at Matt’s and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“What did you do dear?” her mother knew not to probe too far, she had seen the looks the two had shared and had hoped that something would happen over the summer.

“We kissed,” she groaned. “Not once, but for a good half an hour, and I really like him and I don’t know what to do. Like, there’s no way he feels the same way, so I don’t know why it happened.”

“Addie, why do you think he doesn’t feel the same way? He looks at you like you put the stars in the sky, why would he look at you like that if he didn’t like you?” her mother replied.

“I can’t do this with him,” Addison complained, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with a hockey player, especially one who acts as he does on the ice. If he contacts you to talk to me, tell him to get lost.” With that, she got up from the dinner table and went to her room.

Addison’s room became her place of refuge before she moved to Cambridge. She only left the room to eat and use the bathroom. Her parents tried to help her, but she was unable to understand their concern because as she saw it she was focusing her life on moving to MIT and completing all of her pre work for her course. And that wasn’t a small amount of work, every single course had around 3 books that needed to be read and 2 tutorials that she needed to do. She made sure that everything had been done well in advance and even began to look at the content that would be taught during the first semester.

Her time at MIT was filled with a lot of time in the library. Addison enjoyed making friends but they all had the same attitude as her, they were there to study for their degree and helped each other when they needed it. Graduation was a fun day, she shared a dorm with her best friend Simone and the two of them spent the day getting ready together. Their families had become good friends and had planned a celebratory lunch.

The two families watched as their girls walked along the stage to collect their degrees and couldn’t be more proud. The girls were headed off to Edmonton together to be working for the same company and had already found an apartment to be sharing. Addison and Simone were so excited for moving to Canada and it was a common talking point with their academic advisors. They had made sure that all of the logistical issues were resolved and they knew the team members they would be working with. The advisors made sure that everything was in place well before the move occurred.

Ever since that summer in St Louis, Matthew and Addison had not even said as much as a hello at an event both of their families had attended. They purposefully avoided each other not wanting to reminisce over that day. No one else knew what had happened aside from Addison’s parents and Simone. Simone knew about Matthew, but didn’t know that they were moving to the same province where he lived too. Addison had made sure to keep his last name out of the discussions, not to keep him safe but to keep herself safe.

She wanted to try and live a normal life and not have everyone using her to try and meet an NHL player. She wanted to gain her accolades from being her own person and not from people with recognisable names. That’s what she hoped she would get out of moving to Edmonton.

//next

[allie1804-fan]

New Beginnings (Chapter 3)

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New Beginnings Baby Drabble

New Beginnings Baby Drabble No2

6 months later (November)

It was a Saturday morning at around 9 when Emily stirred from her slumber, easing out from under Keanu’s grasp to go to the bathroom. As she wiped herself after taking a leak, she felt the tell-tale sign that her period had started.She drew a shaky breath and tried to get herself under control but it was no good. Anger and sadness filled her with bitterness. She knew rationally that this could take a while and 6 months was nothing in the scheme of things but it was relentless having the monthly reminder that they had failed again. She decided on a hot shower to soothe her tension away and got up from the toilet to turn the water on.

“think positive thoughts” she berated herself as the water tumbled down “you have a girly lunch with Chloe today, that will cheer you up and maybe you can talk over these raging feelings with her”

As she washed the shampoo suds out of her hair she heard the shower door slide open and Keanu stepped in behind her immediately wrapping his arms around her.

“Morning sweethe…. don’t” she interrupted her greeting, yelping as his fingers had started to trail to her opening”

“What?, I thought you liked that!”

“I do, usually - sorry love, it’s just, you don’t wanna go there, I just got my period” she huffed, looking up at him over her shoulder with sad eyes”

He pulled her round to face him and hugged her close.

“Try not to worry, darling, we’ll get there, it just sometimes takes a while I guess”

Emily nodded back, a stray tear leaking out which he smoothed away with his thumb.

“Don’t you have plans today? Lunch with Chloe on the Drive right?”

“Yeah, what are you doing?”

“biking and lunch with the boys – be back around 5 I expect”

Over breakfast Chloe started on a topic she didn’t think would go down well with Keanu but she couldn’t stop herself

“Do  you think we should maybe do anything different, you know to help our chances?”

“like what?”

“Well maybe like trying to be a bit healthier?”

“We are healthy, aren’t we? – I mean we eat well. Don’t drink that much……….. oh I see where this is going. So this is my fault now because I smoke right?”

“I never said it was anyone’s fault Ke – I just want to move ahead and maybe that might help. Listen, you don’t have to give anything up. It’s just an idea is all”

Keanu stepped around the kitchen island. His face was contrite as he wrapped his arms around her gently.

“I’m sorry, I over-reacted. I know this is especially hard on you ….”

“Oh so it’s OK for you because you don’t really mind either way huh?”

“Jesus Christ woman, no that’s not what I meant. I just meant everything feels focussed on your body – if we succeed, you’ll be sick and all that and when we don’t succeed you have the reminder of your period driving you crazy, that’s all I meant! And if you recall, it was me who brought up the idea first, not you so don’t say I don’t want this!”

“God sorry, sorry – I’m just crabby. Ignore me”

He hugged her to him “take a taxi to lunch, go drink espresso martinis, champagne – whatever you want. Take my American Express card and go shopping on Rodeo Drive after!”

She laughed and hugged him back.

“Good plan Reeves – I might take you up on that”

They puttered around the house getting ready for their respective trips both looking forward to time with other people after the tension of the morning.

Emily met with Chloe at 208 Rodeo at noon hugging her tightly.

“Boy, I really, really need this” she exclaimed. I’m gonna drink myself a little bit silly then take you up to the shops on the drive and exploit my boyfriend’s credit card, deal?”

“Sure” Chloe said brightly though Emily caught the whisper of hesitation in her manner. Brushing it off, they headed in to get their table by the window.

“So how’s tricks?” Emily asked

“No, no you first, you’ve always got more interesting things going on than me” Chloe protested.

“Well if interesting is getting my period again then your life must be really dull!” Emily grimaced.

Chloe was the only person she’d trusted with the secret that she and Keanu were trying for a baby and for the first 5 months she’d sent ‘crying face’ emoji’s to Chloe each month when the bad news came.

The waitress came back just as Chloe had taken Emily’s hand in hers giving it a squeeze, a pained look on her face.

“2 espresso martinis to start us off ” Emily exclaimed.

“no no not for me Chloe exclaimed. Just a white wine spritzer. I can’t take the hard stuff at lunch.

“Spoil sport” Emily pouted.

Their drinks came and they placed their orders for lunch, settling back to their prior conversation.

“Listen, Em, you’ll get there in the end. It’s just random luck you know. It took ages, you know like well over a year for Jamie and” she paused

“and what?”

“and nothing, I just mean it can take a while. I know it’s super frustrating but, you know it can’t be so bad doing the deed with him can it”

Emily giggled and blushed

 “Ok, ok you got me there. I’ll try to chill but I guess it’s just starting to grate and then I end up looking for advice on the internet and this morning I brought up his smoking ….”

“Oh! and how did that go?”

“badly I’d say, he got real defensive, then guilty. I was just so tetchy – my period came this morning and I’d started to hope some of my now obviously pre-menstrual symptoms were, you know, symptoms!”

“It’s such a bitch that they are basically the same symptoms right?” Chloe sympathised.

“thank god I have you to talk to.  I think I’d go completely crazy without you. So, do you think I overstepped mentioning his smoking? I guess I forgot that it took you a year to get pregnant with Jamie. Did you and John ever fall out over it?”

Chloe laughed a little nervously.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry….”

“hey, no it’s OK – where shall I start. Errm yes we fell out – I got kind of obsessed you know with the optimum conditions and he felt like I only wanted sex for making a baby you know.  It’s so hard to chill and not to wonder why it’s not worked but listen, it’ll probably just fall into place when you least expect it” Chloe looked away through the restaurant window, a frown crossing her face.

“You OK hun?” Emily asked, “you seem kind of distracted today”

“I guess I am, distracted I mean”

Emily looked questioningly at Chloe

“so what’s up”

“Hun, I have something to tell you and I know it’s not going to be easy and given what we’ve been discussing, it’s going to hurt …..”

Chloe’s eyes were filled with tears as she watched the realisation slowly dawn on Emily’s face.

“You’re pregnant aren’t you?”

Chloe nodded slowly reaching out her hand to Emily’s – Emily tried to pull away at first but Chloe grasped her fingers

“you know I didn’t do this to hurt you, we only just started trying….”

“you think that fact makes me feel better!?” Emily spat back at her, snatching her hand away now, anger flashing in her eyes

“no, no I just mean I thought about how it might be if I got pregnant first but after Jamie I was just sure you’d fall first and it wouldn’t be ….like this” she gulped down a sob “please don’t hate me Em!”

Emily took a shaky hold of her drink and gulped it down then just stared at the table for what seemed like several long minutes to Chloe. Emily battled with herself, wanting to run away and die in a ditch but knowing she needed Chloe too and she still had a tiny rational voice telling her this was just bad luck for her and not a deliberate act of spite by Chloe and John. She took a deep breath and looked Chloe in the eye at last.

“Congratulations” she smiled tightly. “I’m not gonna lie, this is , err painful for me but I know it shouldn’t be. Honestly, I’m happy for you, it will be great for Jamie to have a brother or sister”

“Thanks Em … I love you, you know?”

“I know” Em sniffed.

Their lunches arrived giving them the opportunity to just digest this new change in their lives. Eventually Emily spoke, sticking to the  same theme.

“So” Emily began “do you have any top tips for how I’m gonna make it through this without going completely bat-shit crazy?”

“not sure I’m the best person to ask somehow, given the amount of times I took ovulation tests and my temperature when we were trying with Jamie.

Emily chuckled.

“I’ve been telling myself not to go there but now it’s getting very tempting. Especially as I am pretty sure we’re gonna miss some opportunities soon coz Keanu’s off on a 6 week shoot in January.

“well I can’t stop you going there and I know only too well that telling you to relax is just stupid. But maybe just try to have as much other stuff going on to think about, you know. I’m not saying that it will make conceiving more likely, but it might just stop you going bonkers! And I know this doesn’t really apply to you, but we ended up deciding to spend a bunch of our savings on a trip – do you remember when we went to Paris and stayed in the Georges V?

“yeah, yeah I do – why did you think that would help?!”

“I think we just thought screw it, we deserve something nice and maybe fate’s sense of irony would grant us a pregnancy the minute we’d run our savings down and couldn’t really afford a child!”

“And did it work?”

“yeah I guess so, I think we went on that trip in the June and we were pregnant by end July!”

“maybe I should get Keanu to donate all his money to charity then!”

“nahhh don’t do that  - but hey a holiday might be a good thing. What else do you have going on?”

“I’ve got some re-writes on a couple of movies and Keanu’s TV thing is back on the table so I’ve got some deadlines to keep me busy”

Their lunch continued and they even went and did a little shopping in the upscale stores on Rodeo Drive. Emily was back home by 5 and Keanu arrived shortly after.

“Did you have fun sweetie” he asked “looks like you got in some retail therapy too, huh?” he said noting the bags on the floor.

“yeah thanks, I did” she said quietly

“you sure, you don’t look too happy ………… is Chloe OK?”

“Yup, Chloe is fine …… Chloe is pregnant!”

“oh!”

“yes, oh”

“I don’t know what to say”

“It’s OK, we didn’t fight or anything, in fact talking to her was useful  - but I can’t deny at first I wanted to curl up and die!”

“Come ‘ere” He pulled her into a tight hug.

“It’ll be OK hun, we’ll get there ……. And if we don’t we have each other right?”

Emily nodded sadly

“you don’t have to look so thrilled at the idea of just me!” he huffed

“sorry, I know you’re right and I love you, you know I do, but I, I just really want this you know and I’m not ready to think about it not happening, not just yet OK?”

“OK, me neither”

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New Beginnings Baby Drabble

New Beginnings Baby Drabble No2

[ladymercytaylor]

All In - Chapter 5 (Joe Mazzello x Reader)

Chapter 5 y’all!!! This one is a thicc bitch that took forever and it aint my best but here it is for ya! Hope you enjoy it :) Summary: You and Joe were in a blissful relationship for 4 years. It seemed as though everything was perfect. You’d moved in together and all of your friends were taking bets on when he’d finally put a ring on your finger. That is until it all fell apart. Now, 1 year on you’re thrown together at a mutual friend’s wedding and it changes everything between you. Previous chapter can be found HERE

Chapter 5 – 9 weeks and 3 days

Getting ready for your night out with the boys was a new experience to say the least. Normally you’d chose the best dress in your wardrobe, but the ever steady swelling of your stomach was gradually reducing your clothing options. You knew that you didn’t have much longer before you’d have to start buying new clothes, but every time you tried you found a cold sweat breaking across your brow and gave up. After staring at your closet for a solid hour you admitted defeat and grabbed the same dress you’d worn to Sebastian’s wedding all those months ago and your trusty Spanx. The waist of the dress hit you right under the bust and would probably provide the best camouflage for your little nugget. “Seriously, spanx?” came Flick’s slightly judgemental voice from over your shoulder. “Shit, Flick!” you exclaimed, clasping your clothes over your racing chest as you rounded on her. “Don’t startle the pregnant chick!” “What, like startling you is going to suddenly eject the baby?” she teased, stepping into your room. She flopped dramatically across your unmade bed, stretching her long arms above her head. “And I re-iterate. Spanx, really? Isn’t that bad for the baby?” “I’ve done extensive Googling. Everyone says it’s fine” you explained, moving to your dresser to pick out your jewellery for the night. “And I don’t really have another option”

“The guys all know now, right? You can be pregnant and proud” she giggled and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.  “It’s not just that, Flick” you murmured, sifting through the delicate gold chains in your wooden jewellery box. “Those boys attract so much attention now. Before the film it was different but now they’re just…something else. The last thing I need is some random paparazzi noticing and then having plastered all over the internet” You continued to search through your accessories. You picked out a pair of white stone drop earrings and set them to the side before staring intensely at your necklaces, waiting for one to jump out at you. You were only really half focussed on the task though as you could feel the question Flick was not asking.   “What would that matter, though? You are pregnant. It’s a fact”  A dejected sigh slipped passed your lips. You knew this conversation was coming. Flick had always been on the peripheral when it came to Joe’s life. She saw him when he was sitting around in his stained track pants with 4 day old stubble shouting at the Yankees game on TV. She was never there when your date night was interrupted by a fan. Or when you were getting screamed at by a wall of photographers at the premier of one of his movies.  “Things are different for Joe” your voice was much quieter and tense than Flick had expected and she suddenly felt a twinge of guilt in her stomach. “His life is public property. No matter how hard he’s tried there’s always things that he can’t keep private. We were together for 2 years before I even made it onto his Instagram and even that was just because a fan sent out a photo of us on a date first” you sighed, abandoning your search for a necklace to plop down next to her on your bed. “If anyone sees us together and notices that I’m pregnant they’re going to immediately assume that Joe and I are back together. And I just don’t think I can handle that right now” you murmured, picking absentmindedly at the chipping nail polish on your fingers.  You didn’t notice Flick get up off the bed and cross to your dresser until she stood in front of you, a gold necklace glimmering between her fingers.  “This one” she offered with a smile, stretching out the chain between her hands. Your breath caught in your throat as you recognised the necklace. A small 4 leaf clover dangled from the delicate gold chain, sending flashes of gold light across your face.  “Joe gave me that” you murmured, “when we went to Ireland” Flick chuckled quietly as she leaned forward to secure the clasp behind your neck. “I know”

Your heart was hammering against your chest as you neared the restaurant. Joe was meant to collect you from your apartment, but a late running audition had you making the trip uptown by yourself. You kept your denim jacket wrapped tightly around your middle for the whole journey. You hadn’t had to worry about photographers in such a long time that you were startled by how quickly the paranoia returned. Any time you saw someone with a phone in their hand your heart began to race all over again. Your face flushed with an embarrassed heat when a grandma pulling her phone out on the subway had sent you into a small panic. Like some random grandma was going to know that you were Joe Mazzello’s ex-girlfriend. You shook your head, mentally scolding your ridiculousness and vainly attempting to chalk it up to pregnancy hormones. Fortunately you didn’t have much time to think about is as you recognised three very familiar faces through the restaurant window as you exited the station. A beaming smile broke out across your face as you raced inside, desperate to see three of your best friends again. “Gwilly!” you squealed, rushing over to their table. “Y/N!” Gwil replied, immediately pushing out of his seat to wrap both of his arms around you in a vice-like hug. “Oh it’s so good to see you!” he murmured into your hair and you held him even tighter, tears prickling the back of your eyes. Oh how you’d missed him. “Careful, careful!” Rami warned softly, hoping out of his seat. “You’re going to squash mini-Mazzello!” Gwil set you down with a soft laugh and you immediately spun to hop into Rami’s waiting embrace. “Mini-Mazzello is perfectly well protected, Rami” you smiled, kissing him softly on the cheek as you parted. “And congratulations!” you beamed, grasping his shoulders tightly “you deserved every single one of those awards. Fucking outstanding” “Oh, stop” he chuckled, waving a hand dismissively but the darkening of his cheeks gave him away. “And what am I, spare parts?” came a rather indignant voice from over your shoulder. “Of course not, Benny” you teased, letting go of Rami to fall into Ben’s arms. “Just saving the best until last” “Hmm, I guess I can live with that” he chuckled, kissing your temple softly. “Look at you! I used to think that ‘pregnancy glow’ thing was bullshit but I find myself proven wrong” he grinned. “Please, that’s called highlighter and hormonal acne” you replied playfully. Everyone took up their seats, the one next to you left vacant for Joe. “So, how’ve you been?” asked Gwil, leaning forward eagerly on the table. “Work good?” “Can’t complain” you smiled, fidgeting with the gold charm resting against your collar bones. “Got promoted. I’m one of the senior dentists which is nice” “You’re going to have to explain how that’s different from a normal dentist” Rami chuckled and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. Dating an actor and socialising with his creative friends had always left a certain amount of disconnect with careers. “Nothing very dramatic, I just get given some more difficult cases and have to take part in their NYU placement program and mentor a dental student. Mine’s called Nadia. She’s cool” you smiled. You were just about to begin telling them one of your more interesting stories that involved Nadia locking herself in the storeroom for 2 hours when a torrent of apologies flooded your ears. “Sorry, sorry, sorry. Director just would not stop talking!” Joe blabbered as he flopped into the seat beside you. “Sure sure, Joe” Gwil teased, flipping open the menu in front of him. Joe, very maturely, poked his tongue out at his friend. “Why do you refuse to see the best in me, Gwil?” Joe pouted, flipping the menu in front of him with over exaggerated vigour. “Past experience” Rami supplied with a cheeky grin. Chuckles erupted all around the table and your ex-boyfriend rolled his eyes playfully. “You’re all just hungry” he muttered grumpily, turning his hazel eyes to the list of dishes in his hands.

Dinner buzzed passed in a whirlwind of conversation and you were only just realising exactly how much you’d missed in the last year. Gwil told you all the details about his proposal to Sarah (it was so sweet you found yourself tearing up, but luckily for you it went unnoticed by the rest of your party). Rami told you all about his next project. He was so excited to be co-starring with Lucy again that he was practically vibrating out of his seat. It warmed your heart to see him speak of her with such care and affection. You’d been on set the day Rami had asked Lucy out to dinner and you’d never seen him so excited. Ben didn’t have anything in the way of exciting news ‘Just work, you know’ but his bright green eyes began to sparkle when you asked how Frankie was doing. She was perfect, as always. But he’d recently been fighting the urge to get her a brother or sister. Spending so much time away from home he wasn’t sure he could handle the guilt of leaving two babies behind instead of one. Despite his reservations you were quick to tell him to get another dog. Not being allowed a pet in your apartment you’d made it your mission in life to live vicariously through your friends.

“So, bar?” Ben suggested as your party stepped out of the stifling restaurant into the cool breeze. “Isn’t that a bit pregnancy-unfriendly?” Rami pointed out with a quick glance in your direction. “Maybe we should head off?” Joe suggested to you, the orange streetlights above your heads dying his hair even more ginger. You knew he was just trying to be considerate. You did. But something in his tone had your skin crawling. And you found a frown furrowing your brow. “I’m pregnant, not dying” you scoffed, stepping away from him to link your arm with Ben’s. “To the bar!” “God, I’ve fucking missed you” the blonde chuckled, immediately setting off down the street, leaving the other boys to follow behind you. Ben dragged you into the first bar you came across, desperate to continue the night before anyone mentioned going home again. “What can I get you?” he asked, pausing as he stepped towards the crowded bar. “Uh…” you murmured, options quickly running through your head, “Lemonade with a slice of lime in a short glass. It’ll look like a G&T to the unaware” you explained. “Roger that, captain” he confirmed, giving you a mock salute before braving the throng of people swaying to the thumping music. Joe, Gwil and Rami traipsed in behind you. Gwil and Rami immediately copied Ben’s trajectory to the bar while Joe hung back to stand next to you. “I didn’t mean to imply anything earlier” he murmured. The despondent tone of his voice had guilt settling in your chest. You opened your mouth to tell him that you were sorry for snapping at him but Ben returned with your drink and beers for everyone else and the words died on your tongue.

“Oh that’s so much better!” you sighed in relief, stepping out into the cool night air after hours of dancing. You hadn’t realised how hot you were until the breeze blew against your sweaty skin. “Come, darling, there’s some seats in yonder corner!” Gwil proclaimed dramatically before grabbing your hand and dragging you to an empty table in the corner of the patio. You let him pull you as peals of giggles fell from your lips. Tipsy Gwil was one of the best Gwils. “Ah, perfect!” he announced as he folded his limbs into the green metal chair. “You know Ben wasn’t joking, pregnancy suits you” he smiled warmly, “But let me guess, it’s been hell right? I don’t know why they bothered calling it morning sickness when it literally happens all day” he chuckled.  “Exactly!” you laughed, running your fingers along the cool glass of your drink. “Morning, noon and night. It’s torture”  “Oooh, how did your nine week ultrasound go? Do you have the photos?” he asked eagerly, excitement glittering in his blue eyes. You moved to reach into your bag and produce your phone to show him, but something stopped you.  “Gwil” you murmured measuredly, eyes narrowing playfully, “by any chance is Sarah pregnant?” you asked, a knowing smile growing on your lips. His eyes widened in disbelief. “What? Nooooo” he denied, crossing his arms firmly over his chest. “Don’t know what you’re talking about” however a furious red blush swept across his cheeks.  “Mhhmm sure” you chuckled, withdrawing your phone out of your bag to pull up the ultrasound photos. “You should tell her that Vitamin B6 supplements help with the all-day nausea” you murmured as you scrolled through your camera roll, “She’ll still throw up but she won’t feel so crap in between” “Will do” he beamed, but his smile immediately fell when he realised what he’d done. “Fuck, please don’t tell anyone!” he begged, leaning forward to grasp both your hands in his. “It’s so early and we’re not telling anyone til after the wedding” he pleaded, desperation in his shining eyes.  “Secret’s safe with me, Gwilly” you assured, pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles. “Just let her know she can talk to me about it all if she wants. It’s….overwhelming to say the least” “You’re a gem” Gwilym sighed gratefully, releasing your hands to pick up his beer bottle and take a swig. “Oh! Photos! Photos!” he demanded, bouncing in his chair so intensely that some other patrons eyed him wearily.  “Alright! Settle petal” you chided, passing him your phone.  “Aww” he cooed as he took in the black and white photo on the screen. “It’s like a grey gummy bear!” he exclaimed and a burst of laughter escaped your lips. “I’m totally telling Joe you said that” you giggled as he handed the phone back to you. “Gwilym Lee – uncle to a gummy bear” “Oh hush” he scolded with a smile before draining the last of his beer. “Now, who has two thumbs and needs a drink? This guy” he grinned, pointing his thumbs at his chest. “Come back inside with me. We probably need to rescue Ben and Joe from themselves at this point” “I don’t think you’re in much of a state to be saving anyone, Sir Gwilly” you chuckled as he attempted to extract himself from the small chair and nearly tumbled to the floor in the process. Over Gwil’s shoulder you could see a burly bouncer in a far too tight black t-shirt eyeing your friend critically.  “I’m fine! I’m fine!” the brunette insisted far too loudly as you pushed him back inside the bar. “I’m perfectly responsible, thank you” he clipped…before tripping over the uneven floor and staggering into the bar.  It didn’t take you long to find the rest of your party. It’s kind of hard to miss 3 grown men doing what appeared to be their best impression of Magic Mike dancing at the bar. Rami was quite happy bopping along, his eyes glazed over as he danced in his own little world while both Ben and Joe were gyrating along to Rihanna’s Jump like their lives depended on it – lips pursed and eyes closed in concentration.  “I need another drink if I’m going to have to watch that” Gwil shouted into your ear over the music before disappearing into the darkness.  “Y/N!” Ben cried out as he opened his eyes, immediately finding you. “Come dance!” he shouted, not even waiting for your response before grabbing your hand and pulling you into the mass of people. A grin stretched your lips as you let him draw you in, immediately falling in step with their moves. Despite the alcohol that was clouding his brain, Joe watched you with perfect clarity. He felt like he’d fallen into one of his dreams – the kind that had plagued him ever since he let you go. Bringing you on nights out with his friends had always been one of his favourite things. You were so carefree, eyes sparkling brightly under the rainbow lights, nothing but laughter leaving your lips as you watched him pull out his most absurd dance moves. You always liked to say that he was by far the worst dancer you’d ever seen but he knew there was no malice in your words. He only did it to make you smile anyway.  Watching you dance with Ben, the blonde spinning you around and pulling you against him set his teeth on edge. Not out of jealousy – never that. But to Joe you almost felt like a mirage – so close and yet still so far away. Just when he thought things were going okay he’d say the wrong thing and feel like he was right back at square one again, needing to have Ben step in and call a truce. It felt unfair. Nothing had changed between you and his friends. Gwil loved you just as much as ever. There was no shred of awkwardness between you and Rami when you chatted about work and Ben had no qualms about placing his hand in yours. But he, the one who loved you the most, was stuck behind a glass wall he didn’t know how to break.

It was around 2am that you felt yourself begin to lag. The droning music was crushing against your skull and the relatively sensible heels you’d chosen were beginning to cut into the backs of your ankles. But determined not to be the first to crack you continued dancing, letting Gwil spin you around the makeshift dancefloor. Joe, however, was not as far gone as the other boys and saw your growing fatigue. He saw the way your shoulders were sagging and that the smile gracing your face whenever Ben pulled out some ridiculous dance move was slowly diminishing. Checking his watch he decided with a soft sigh that he was going to have to be the one to pull the plug. There was no way you were going to tap out first. Pregnant or not. “It’s nearly half passed 2” Joe yelled to Gwil, taking advantage of a slight lull in the music. “Maybe we should think about heading off?” A grumpy pout pursed Gwil’s lips but he nodded. He’d stopped drinking a few hours ago but Ben and Rami had ploughed right ahead and he wasn’t sure quite how much longer the two of them could stay vertical. Or evade security’s watchful eye. Joe and Gwil spent the next 10 minutes trying to corral their rather inebriated friends. You hadn’t been an issue. The relief that washed across your face at the suggestion of leaving didn’t go unnoticed by Joe and he felt a surge of pride warm his chest. Rami wasn’t a difficult target, Gwil just had to gently push him towards you, who grabbed his arm tightly. He didn’t seem bothered by it at all really, continuing to bop gently along to the music by your side. Ben, however, was not so simple. He recognised that parental look on Gwil’s face and immediately made a dash to the bar. “Ben, no! Enough!” Gwil commanded, grabbing him by the back of the shirt. “You’re so boring!” the blonde shouted back, but the older man was quicker. He took full advantage of Ben’s impaired stability and tugged on the navy fabric, bringing Ben into a weird pseudo-bearhug so that he used to steer him towards the door. “Spoil sport” he grumbled as Gwil lead the group out of the bar, a rather smug smile on his face. The cool summer air enveloped you as you stepped out onto the street. Summer in New York was unbearable to some but you’d always loved those playful summer nights. For a long time they had been spent with Joe. Either strolling aimlessly through Central Park or trying to find the best ice cream place in within a 6 block radius of your apartment. You’d been together for 2 years before you found it – a little family run shop tucked in between a dry cleaner and a 24 hour pizza joint. Your whole body practically melted the first time you’d tasted their sinfully delicious salted caramel ice-cream and it had quickly become your favourite Friday night hangout. But you didn’t go there anymore. “Alright, where are my boys staying?” you asked, slinging your denim jacket over your folded arms. “My place. It’s only a 15 minute walk from here” Joe supplied, swaying on the spot so violently that Gwil had to steady him with a strong hand. “Please look after them for me” you chuckled to Gwil, watching Ben and Rami continue to dance along to the music that was pouring out of the bar’s open windows. “Subway’s not too far from here. I’m going catch the train” you explained, gesturing up the dark street. “You can’t catch the train alone” Gwil interjected, concern furrowing his brow. “And before you interrupt - I’d say that even if you weren’t carrying such precious cargo” he added quickly. You huffed gently, crossing your arms over your chest but stayed silent. Joe was nodded rapidly beside him and you knew better than to argue with them. “You can crash at mine. There’s plenty of space” Joe offered immediately, his cheeks flushing slightly pink. “Sleepover!” Rami shouted gleefully, sending Ben into a peal of giggles. “I dunno, guys” you murmured, your eyes flickering to the chipped pavement. The night had gone so well so far. Spending the night with Joe just felt like asking for trouble. “Please? Oh please please please please” Ben begged, abandoning Rami to wrap his arms around you. “Pleeease? We’ve missed you” he moaned and you felt that tinge of guilt twist your insides again. “Alright, but only if you get off me. You’re all sweaty” you chuckled, trying to prize his thick arms off you. “Picky picky picky” he tutted playfully but retracted his arms. “Onwards!” he shouted, raising his arm like a charging warrior and thundering down the street. “Ben!” Joe shouted after him. “Other way!”

Your intrepid quintet managed to make it 10 minutes into your journey to Joe’s place before the night claimed its first victim. “Guys, I don’t feel so good” came Ben’s slurred moan from somewhere behind you. “Come on, Ben. We’re only 5 minutes from home” Joe groaned, still wobbling slightly from side to side as he walked next to Rami. “I’m serious” he moaned, his deep voice echoing down the deserted street. Rami just rolled his eyes at the blonde but you turned to check on him. The colour was slowly draining from his flushed cheeks and a pained look was wrinkling his forehead. Your eyes quickly flickered around the street before they settled on a dumpster just tucked into the alley to your right. Recognising the slackening of his jaw you jumped into action, grabbing the boy around the chest and steering him quickly towards the grey bin. You got him there in the nick of time, immediately retching loudly followed by a loud, hollow splash. “Oh, Benny” Joe sighed sympathetically, slowly stumbling over to his friend. Ben continued to vomit into the dumpster but you had to step away, feeling your stomach lurch uncomfortably. “You alright, love?” Gwil asked, his eyebrows knitting together as he noticed the stricken look on your face. You didn’t dare open your mouth to respond, instead searching desperately for another dumpster. There was no such luck but there was a rubbish bin a few metres away. Running as fast your heels could carry you, you folded over the metal frame and threw up what was left of your delicious dinner. You were vaguely aware of a presence behind you, their strong hand resting on your upper back. As your thundering heartbeat faded from your ears you could finally make out the words being whispered behind you. “Bad chicken nugget” Joe murmured, his hand still rubbing soft circles on your back. “Making mummy sick” “Don’t blame nugget” you muttered, spitting very elegantly into the bin. “s’not their fault” “Still” he shrugged, his hand not leaving your slightly damp back as you straightened up, the rolling nausea slowly fading away. “Bad chicken nugget” he slurred softly. You laughed dryly before turning to the rest of your group. Ben was leaning heavily against the window of a closed shop, his blonde head pressed firmly against the dark glass. His forehead was slightly shining with sweat and a distinct green tinge coloured his cheeks. “Alright, boys. Let’s get this baby to bed” you commanded, stepping away from the bin. Joe’s heart clenched slightly as you also stepped out of his reach. “And by baby I mean this one” you explained, gently grasping Ben’s hand. The rest of the boys sniggered as he opened his slightly bloodshot eyes. “Come on, lovey” you smiled softly. “If I move I might chuck again” he warned, the corners of his pillowy pink lips twitching down. “Well if you do I’ll hold your hair back” you assured him, grabbing onto his arm tightly so you could pull him away from the window. “I’ll hold yours back if you do too” he slurred, letting you peel him away from the glass and back down the street towards Joe’s house. “That’s a good boy” you cooed gently, rubbing his arm comfortingly. “Practicing for motherhood?” Rami chuckled, twisting around to look at the two of you. It turned out to not be his smartest idea as he stumbled over his own feet and crashed into an unsuspecting Gwilym. “Bunch of children” he muttered playfully, wrapping his arm around Rami’s shoulders. “Are we nearly there dad?” Ben shouted at Joe, who rolled his eyes at Gwil’s snigger. “Almost. Now settle down or I won’t let you have the Oreos hidden in the cupboard” he warned. Ben moaned loudly next to you but you couldn’t help but giggle. It was cute of him to try, but you couldn’t help but snort at his attempt to be authoritative. Joe had always had ‘fun dad’ written all over him.

“Here we are. Home sweet home” Joe grinned, digging into the pocket of jeans and withdrawing his set of keys. The orange light of the streetlights bounced off the silver metal as he opened the front door, but you were transfixed in place, jaw slightly ajar. It was the exact brownstone that Joe had shown you the listing for all those years ago. It still had the same green front door with matching window shutters and a rainbow of flowers blooming in planter boxes under the sills. It was the definition of the perfect home - the exact kind of home you’d been hoping to share with him. The realisation that he’d found it for himself left an unsettling feeling in your stomach. “How the hell did you afford this?” you blurted out rather inelegantly. The rest of the group chuckled as Joe’s cheeks flushed scarlet. “There was a nice bonus for each of us after BoRhap did so well” Gwil explained softly. “Damn” you murmured appreciatively. The lock clicked softly and Joe shepherded the group inside, flicking on the lights. A soft golden glow flooded the entry, bouncing back off the dark polished floorboards. The boys all charged deeper into the house towards the kitchen, Ben’s cries of “Oreos!” barely registering in your mind. An uncomfortable lump settled in your throat as you peered around the corner into the living room. Everything in the room screamed of Joe. He’d hung up all of his posters again and you smiled at the addition of a yellow and purple Bohemian Rhapsody print to the line up. The Jurassic Park one would always be your favourite though. “Cookie, milady?” a soft voice interrupted your thoughts. Joe offered you a small stack of biscuits. You were glad to see that he’d stopped swaying so much and happily took the cookies off him. “The house is beautiful, Joe” “Thanks” he murmured, a shy blush colouring his cheeks, “I was hoping you’d like it” “What’s not to like?” you chuckled, gesturing to the airy entry way and living room. “You bought a house. In New York. That’s the dream” “Well, Brooklyn” he corrected teasingly, nibbling the edge of one of his cookies, “But yeah, it’s pretty sweet” he opened his mouth to say something else, but the dull thundering of footsteps swept into the living room. “Bedtime!” Gwil was ordering, shoving Ben and Rami towards the polished staircase. Sharing a knowing smile you and Joe followed them to the second floor.  “Who’s sleeping where?” Rami asked as the five of your staggered up the stairs towards the bedrooms, cookies still clasped in your hands.  “Well I was going to share with Joe but I think that shan’t be the case now” Ben muttered, nodding to you.  “I can sleep on the couch, I don’t mind!” you volunteered quickly, a guilty heat prickling up your neck.  “No!” all 4 men replied immediately. You could tell from the tone that there would be no negotiating so you leant against the wall and watched them fight it out.  “The couch is too small for me!” Gwil argued when Ben suggested he sleep downstairs.  “Please you’re too big for any bed, you big tree” the blonde shot back playfully, swaying slightly on the spot. Gwil rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest.  “Well if we’re using the height logic then Joe should sleep on the couch – he’s the smallest!” he argued. Joe’s mouth dropped open. “I’m not sleeping on the couch in my own fucking house!” he exclaimed, shoving another Oreo aggressively into his mouth, “it should be Rami!” “Uh, don’t think you’re going to be able to move him at this point” you interjected, pointing to the spare bedroom. The remaining 3 boys turned to follow your finger and groaned in chorus. Rami had evidently taken advantage of their bickering to step into the spare room, strip off his shoes and pants and hop under the covers. He was snoring soundly, covers tucked up to his neck.  “Well, Benny, looks like you’re on couch duty” Gwil grinned, slapping him firmly on his shoulder. The blonde groaned but seemed to accept defeat, moving to head back down the staircase. “Wait, I’ll do it on one condition” he stated, keeping his green eyes firmly on you. “You make us pancakes in the morning” “Deal” you grinned. Ben beamed triumphantly before descending down the wooden stairs.  “I’ll grab you some blankets” Joe volunteered, following his friend to the lower level. “Just grab anything you want from my dresser, Sweets” he called up, voice reverberating off the wooden floor, “Spare toothbrush under the sink as well” The second you walked into Joe’s bedroom it felt like being kicked in the chest. You were surrounded by every little thing that you’d missed so much for the last year. The abandoned stack of books on his nightstand that he always promised he’d get around to reading. His framed Yankees jersey hanging over the bed. His old baseball bat placed haphazardly against the wall. And the huge collection of framed photos that lived on top of his dresser. When you were pulling an old t-shirt and a pair of shorts out of the wooden drawer, your eye caught on a very familiar photo that made your heart stutter in your chest. It was a photo of you and Joe, taken on the set of Bohemian Rhapsody. You’d come to visit him for the first week – he’d insisted that he’d feel more confident if you were there. You’d thought that he looked so unbelievably adorable in his Live Aid outfit that you’d insisted on taking a photo. Joe, still a bit self-conscious about the perm, had agreed on the condition that you were in the photo too. You were both beaming at the camera, Joe’s arms wrapped firmly around your waist. If you looked close enough you could see Rami and Ben imitating the two of you behind the drum riser.  “It’s not weird that I still have that, is it?” Joe asked softly from the doorway. You shook your head, not daring to take your eyes off the photo.  “It was a good day” you murmured, clenching the clothes in your hand tightly as you willed yourself not to cry, tears prickling behind your eyes.  “Are you feeling a bit better?” he asked softly, padding across the dark carpet. He reached into the open drawer and withdrew a pair of his own pyjamas. “I’m okay” you assured him with a gentle smile. “Can’t wait for this part to be over though” Joe smirked at your chuckle, leaving you in front of the dresser to head into the en suit. While he was getting ready you swapped your slightly damp dress for Joe’s clothes, taking the moment to fold your dress carefully next to your heels, trying desperately to ignore the comforting feeling of the soft fabric against your skin. “All yours” Joe announced as he stepped back into the room, now clad in his matching blue pyjamas. You murmured your thanks as you scurried passed but it didn’t go unnoticed by Joe that your eyes racked down his figure before the door clicked shut. Sleep took you as soon as your head hit the pillow, but Joe refused. He lay awake, battling the drowsiness that was pulling against his eyelids. He knew he should sleep. It was late and he had a whole day of full of plans with the boys, but he just couldn’t tear his hazel eyes off you. Nothing about you had changed in the last year. You were still just as stunning, your hair splayed out on the pillow, lips slightly parted as you took deep steady breaths. And for a moment, just a moment, if he forced himself to forget about the baby - forget about the break up and just imagine that he’d never walked away from you - everything was right in the world. But reality came rushing back a few moments later, disappointment crushing against his chest.

The soft morning light streamed in through the gap in Joe’s curtains, falling across your face to rouse you from sleep. Groaning slightly you reached for your phone, squinting at the bright light, only to sigh in disappointment. Who wakes up at 7.30 on a Sunday? You were only awake and scrolling through Instagram for a few blissful minutes before you felt that all too familiar roll of your stomach, sweat prickling on your brow. As carefully as you could, you threw off the blankets and dashed out of the room. Stumbling down the corridor, you finally made it to the bathroom where you proceeded to fall to your knees in front of the toilet to throw up what was left of your late night Oreos. “You alright there, bub?” came a gentle voice from over your shoulder. You sat back with a grown, flushing away the evidence. “Just peachy” you muttered, standing to rinse your mouth out at the sink while Gwil watched you, nothing but sympathy in his deep blue eyes. “I didn’t wake you, did I?” you moaned, leaning against the marble counter. You watched him shake his head in the mirror, his messy hair falling across his forehead. “Rami kicked me in his sleep. Figured it might not be a bad idea to duck out and get them all some decent coffee. God knows they’re going to need it” he chuckled. “Did you want to come with? Fresh air always makes Sarah feel better” “Definitely” you grinned gratefully, exiting the bathroom. “Just let me get changed. Don’t think the public of New York are quite ready to see this” you chuckled, gesturing to Joe’s old basketball shorts and ripped Yankees shirt. “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Joe wear that exact outfit in public before so I wouldn’t worry” he laughed before heading down the stairs, leaving you to get yourself ready.

“So, how are you really doing?” Gwil asked the second the two of you stepped out onto the sunny street. A few pedestrians passed you but no one gave you a second glance much to both of your relief. “Told you last night, Gwil. I’m good” you replied lightly, keeping your eyes firmly on the concrete path ahead. You could feel his piercing gaze on the side of your face and resolutely ignored it. “Y/N, it’s just me” he said softly, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “There isn’t anything you can’t tell me” “What do you want me to say, Gwil?” you asked measuredly as the back of your neck prickled uncomfortably. “I – I just – you’re doing a really good job of acting like everything’s okay. And I almost believe you. But this has to be hard” “Of course it’s hard” you murmured, scuffing your toe against the dark pavement, “You try throwing up 6 times a day. Oh, and pregnancy brain is 100% real by the way. I accidentally put my keys in the fridge and almost threw my phone away the other day” you chuckled. But Gwil could feel the hollowness of your voice. “I didn’t mean that” he replied softly, flapping the sides of his jacket nervously. “I meant spending so much time with Joe” Ice cold panic shot up your veins. For all the support you’d gotten from Flick and your family over the last 9 weeks, no one had articulated that particular issue. “I don’t mean to pry” Gwil murmured, interpreting your silence as offense, “I just can’t imagine it’s easy having him back in your life after so long” “There’s good and bad in it” you whispered after a long silence, letting your gaze drift to the emerald trees hanging over the road. “It’s just a weird reminder, you know?” you murmured, sniffling slightly and the Brit felt an overwhelming wave of sympathy for you. “Having him around just reminds me of how much I loved him and how much he hurt me at the same time. It’s exhausting honestly” “You’re handling it like an absolute champ, love” Gwil murmured as the two of you came to a stop outside the coffeeshop. He noticed the tears glistening in your eyes and pulled you into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around you. “That baby has got the toughest woman I’ve ever met as it’s mum” he whispered into your hair. A few tears dripped down your cheeks as you hugged him back just as tight. “Oh, and I have something to ask you” he added, voice much brighter than a few moments ago and you found yourself desperate for a change of subject. “Would you please come to the wedding? Sarah and I would both love to have you there” “Of course, Gwilly” you beamed into his shirt, giving him a tight squeeze around the middle. “Now, come on. Those hungover boys are relying on us” you chirped, reluctantly pulling out of his embrace. Gwil grasped the metal doorhandle, pulling the door open to let you in first. You smiled happily up at him as he let you pass, scurrying into the cold relief of air conditioning.

Joe slowly blinked awake as the delicious scent of vanilla flooded his bedroom. He sat up to see Gwilym standing in the doorway, a plate piled high with steaming pancakes in one hand while the other wafted the smell into the room. “Breakfast is ready when you are, your highness” the older man teased gently, stepping back out into the corridor. Joe grinned and threw the covers back, tearing out of the bedroom and down the stairs. When he walked into the kitchen he was greeted with a sight that made his heart skip a beat. Two of his best friends in the world were propped up at the kitchen table, both looking a little worse for wear but at least conscious, while his third best friend stood in the kitchen, evidently playing sous chef to you. You had that radiant smile on your face that he’d missed so much while you ladled batter into a sizzling frypan. You were dressed in your own clothes again and he felt his heart pang slightly. Last night he realised how much he’d missed seeing you in his clothes. His heart practically stopped when you pulled on his jersey. “Good morning, sunshines” he beamed at Rami and Ben who only managed grunts of acknowledgement. “Now we’re all assembled – we can eat!” Gwil cried happily, hurrying over to the dining table with three plates of pancakes in his hands. “Not so loud, mate” Ben groaned, slowly sitting up as his breakfast was dropped in front of him. “You young ‘uns. Don’t know when to stop” Gwil tutted mockingly, heading back into the kitchen to grab his plate of pancakes. “I distinctly remember a few nights in Japan that would negate your argument, Lee” Rami chuckled, taking a slow sip of water and wincing slightly. You smiled to yourself as you watched the round disks of batter slowly bubble in the pan. Of all the casts Joe had ever been a part of, there was something undeniably magical about the Bohemian Rhapsody boys. “Sweet mother of mercy, I forgot how good these were” Ben groaned, his lips firmly around his fork. Rami nodded enthusiastically, a droplet of syrup slipping down his chin. You giggled softly, flipping the last of the pancakes out of the steaming pan and onto your plate. “If we come to New York more can we have more pancakes?” Gwil grinned as you sat down opposite him. “I’m deeply offended that you only want me for my food” you pouted, cutting off a small section of your breakfast. “We like you for others reasons too” The laughter bubbling from your lips died as you felt your stomach roll. Oh no, not again. You dropped your cutlery with a clatter on the dining room table before dashing towards the bathroom for the second time that morning, your hand clasped over your mouth. “Shit” Joe whispered, immediately pushing away from the table and hurrying after you. “I’ve missed her” Rami murmured after a few moments, his eyes not leaving the half eaten plate of pancakes in front of him. “He’s missed her too” Ben added quietly, stabbing a square of pancake rather aggressively. A heavy pause passed between the three boys. “You reckon….?” Rami asked, his hand twitching slightly against the metal of his fork. “Guess we’ll have to wait and see” Gwil murmured, his blue eyes still fixed on the hallway his two friends had disappeared down.

THAT’S ALL FOR NOW! Stay tuned for the next chapter! TAG LIST!!

@sunflower-borhap-boys @blushingwueen @briarrose26 @mrsmazzello @escabell @yourealegendroger @sincereleygmg @zvzxs @dramatique-moi @borhapqueen92 @manuosorioh @deakyjohns @rogwhoretaylor

[enchantingkittengaditor]

The MCU’s Daughters Prequel: Whatever

A/N: This is a Prequel, to my new story The MCU’s Daughter, inspired by Brie Larson’s album Finally Out of PE. Whatever is the inspiration only. Hope you like it.

Summary: Long before she was the MCU’s Daughter. Before they were the Internet’s Daughters. They were just teenage girls trying to fit into a new system, a new country and a new school. Before all the fame and success two teens first became friends and teammates.

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Anxiety, Epilepsy, Violence, Extreme Angst, Minor Fluff

March 8th 2016

Tegan

Why does New Zealand have to have such a weird education system?

You can’t get into high school without doing 8 speeches?

What 5-year-old does a speech?

What would they talk about?

Dora?

The cat in the hat?

It’s insanity. Also since when does creating a youtube channel count as speeches. Also why in the hell did I say I could sing at the beginning of the year? I mean I can, when I’m alone and not standing in the girls' loo after my friends banished all of the girls needing it for half an hour, claiming that it had the best acoustics for recording me singing before we shot the video in the library. 

God, why am I here? I should have just prepared 7 speeches and given them to the class throughout the year to get it over with. But no my social anxiety decided to be a bitch and refused to let me take that offer thinking no one would ever see me sing. Boy was I wrong.

“OK, Tegan you stand her by the mic and sing like nobody’s watching,” Inday said with a reassuring smile.

“Much easier said than done, Indy, very much easier said than done.”

“Just do it or you’ll have to spend another year here and I and you both know that you think you’ve been here too long anyway.”

“Ok Blaire Waldorf but is the camera really necessary. I’m fine with all of you listening through the wall on the computer with your headphones in but I don’t want you to see me. I have a doctor's note if you need to say I need to keep my triggers to a minimum if you need.”

“Tegan I’ll get rid of the camera just no snarky.”

“But snarky is fun, Alexandra.”

“Simone handle her.”

“Everyone out and let her do her thing without the camera and she’ll do great.”

“Fine.” And with that, the door shut and I was left in peace in the girls' bathroom less than a month ago I had had a panic attack in.

I really have to do this, don’t I?

Just breath. In. Out. In. Out. Focus all you have to do is sing and not panic and get into high school and you can remove all of these videos from existence. Someone is going to pay for this rule.

I let it out. I began to sing into the mic with all of my year outside the door but I couldn't think about that at the moment all my focus was on the song I had to memorise for today.

When it was all over, I ran to the nearest toilet and puked, sadly for all of my classmates the microphone was still on and they were all hooked up to Saskia’s computer with sound-cancelling headphones listening to me. Great.

As soon as I heard the door opened I sat up leaning against the wall.

“You OK Tegan?”

“Fine just a little sick.”

“You were amazing sweetie. We just have to shoot the video now. You were the last to go.”

All I could do was groan and grasp my hand in the air motioning for someone to help me get up from the ground. Before quickly realizing my stomach wanted to get rid of more content on this wonderful International Women's Day.

“Gross,” Said an English voice from the door, all I did was smile and accept Simone’s help to get up.

“Hey, Robin. How are you?”

“Good and you very clearly are sick.”

“Guys this is my cousin Robin. I don’t know why he’s here but he is.”

“I’ll help shoot if you need and I’m here because I have to do a stupid exchange so which one of you bozos is Lachie because I’m staying with you for 2 weeks.”

“This will be fun.”

“Better you than me Lachie. Because if we were to stay in the same house for longer than 8 hours we’d end up blowing up the entire world. Or the world would end up gone.”

At that statement, everyone laughed and we all got up and headed toward the library for the worst hour of my life.

May 11th 2016

Simone

After the day that was shooting for the past week. Today was just a normal Wednesday. On the bus ride to tech me and Tegan did our normal routine of watching John Oliver on the ride there and on the way back talking to all of our friends. Though today it was all about how the video was going.l That was when Tegan found out the video was going viral. She was not happy about that.

The moment we had finally got Tegan to calm down my phone went off pinging until I opened up Instagram to see who the hell had just messaged me to cause my phone to go off so badly. I saw the name and just passed it to Indy to get her to read it out loud.

“Simone why on the green earth did some big Hollywood hot-shot message you?”

“Who? Tegan asked just after catching an M&M in her mouth and raising her hands in triumph.

“Mark Ruffalo.”

“Hulk? Why on earth did Hulk message you?”

“Tegan. Asking her to send in an audition tape for a role.”

“Tell him I can’t act because I can’t.”

“You can do anything you set your mind to.

“While that was an utterly inspiring sentiment I can’t act for lack of a better word, I suck at anything involving people watch me if you haven’t noticed. I get sick and have panic attacks and ramble like I am now.”

At this point, the whole group went silent plotting ways to get an audition tape together. While Tegan, Saskia and Alexandra continued to chat and eat the assortment of candy, pizza and food arranged around us on the green grass of the tech school during lunch waiting for the bus to pick us up.

All of us combined weren’t smart enough to outsmart her so we turned to the one person who had anything over her. Miss G. We all just gave her a look at the same time and she shook her head and mouthing the words ‘No. She scares me,’ before going back to reading her book.

Why was she scared of Tegan?

Actually, I don’t want to know. If the teacher is scared of her there must be a good reason. There has to be.

When the bus finally came we all stood up after our picnic I noticed Tegan’s sketchbook was open on the ground open to a page of a drawing of the class eating lunch at our makeshift picnic.

By the time we got back to school, I had finally come up with a plan for how to get footage of Tegan acting. A school play. That plan didn’t work because the principal asked her to write and direct it. Then there was the idea to get her to have a role in it. That didn’t work.

I was still focussing on this after school when we were setting up shooting our next video I realized that was the best act anyone has ever done in history. The act of a happy bubbly near teen girl over that of a girl who’s a hot mess with several mental issues, who is wise beyond her years, who’s seen the dark side of humanity and survived. A girl who was forced out of her home because the government despised her mother. Because her mother was scared the government would kidnap her. Because she’s had epilepsy. Because she’s herself.

The best act an actress can do is make people believe they’re someone else in real life and that’s what she’s doing. Fooling the world into believing she’s fine and it works. She does it with us. I know she only seems as happy as she humanly can maintain in real life but when we spend 30-50 minutes shooting at once she can turn from Buttercup to Bubbles in a second.

I just have to cut together clips of her in youtube videos we’ve done and some clips of her when she doesn’t know she’s on camera. And maybe find some clips of her actually acting for good measure.

I was finally disturbed from my planning when I heard Miss G curse under her breathe next to me when Leah ran into her thumb and a click that could be heard by multiple people as we played a game of hide ’n’ seek for a video idea Alexandra had come up with.

A video that we ended up calling ‘how our teacher's thumb was broken’ because that’s what happened. Simple as that. We had learnt to edit our videos well in the short amount of time we’d been doing it and people liked it. If only Tegan would agree to the stupid audition.

I mean she would whether or not she liked it, I’d just rather she chose to do it than us forcing her because she really needs something to go her way for once and if she could get into a movie even if she turned the role down, something would go right for her for once. And as her friend, that’s all I want for her. Simple as that.

I know she misses everyone in her past but I also know if she got this role it’d help her get over it and start anew.

Tags: @hollandarling, @hollandroos, @wazzupmrstark, @keepingupwiththeparkers

[dukeofriven]

There's a distinction to be made here. Like, you're right that the writing isn't good here. The writing in the Kingdom Hearts series is frequently terrible, especially when it comes to awkwardly inserting Sora & crew into Disney movies. The question, though, is whether or not you're enjoying it regardless. I can't currently tell if you are.

This is such a wonderful question and I love it so much. (The way to a writer’s heart is to ask them questions about themselves, because we are all mad egoists)The short answer is that I don’t write 2500 words on something I don’t think is worth exploring, and I certainly don’t spend six hours dissecting a two-minute scene if I didn’t derive any pleasure from it. The long answer: it is not “enjoyment” in the sense of ‘relaxing.’ I am not ‘enjoying it’ in the sense that I can zone out while watching it, or necessarily find delight in the viewing experience - which is not to say those are bad things, I just find that really, really hard to do. My brain works differently. I do find that sometimes ‘critique’ is conflated with ‘criticism,’ and that there is a prima facie tendency to presume that anyone critiquing anything has had a negative experience. There are very few things I love that I don’t find reason to critique (off the top of my head, Labyrinth and A Muppet Christmas Carol are the only two the jump to mind, and you can tell that one of their defining features is Childhood Love.Also Muppets.)But to say that I am not enjoying it would be untrue: when I don’t enjoy something I might write a lengthy piece on why, but I wouldn’t keep returning, day in and day out, to make the same complaints. (Except Mass Effect 3, because fuuuuck Mass Effect 3.) This liveblog gives me structure, first of all - something my life desperately needs to retain any kind of stability. I am in a bad depressive way right now, and those six hours I spent hyper=focussed on writing that perhaps absurd position paper on Tinkerbell was six hours I didn’t go to 7/11 and spend ungodly amounts of cash on enough taquitos and pseudo-meat to put me into septic shock. My day job is - or, rather, was until a week ago and I was essentially made redundant - writing terribly dry content for a market research firm on the praxis of sales analysis - ah, the glamorous life of a freelancer. When I write this liveblog, especially long-form posts, both for this and several other essays I’ve done over the years, what enjoyment I have! The ebb and flow of words, the simple joys in register and tone: I don’t focus as much on euphony as I might when writing prose, but simply glance through it and you can see how often I like playing around with modality. It is never not funny to me to write incredibly flowery phrases and counter-point with FUCK THIS or MOVIE BAD and vice versa. The act of writing is its own reward. Whether anyone else enjoys it, or finds it pretentious, or lowbrow, or simply boring, might matter to my ego, but the enjoyment of the act - that is entirely internal.But that all rather sidesteps the questions of ‘do I enjoy anything about Kingdom Hearts,’ so let me say this. In April of 2005 - almost fifteen years ago - I sat on my friend’s bed and watching him play this new game called Kingdom Hearts II, a sequel to a game I didn’t care about and had never played - but this KHII game? It transfixed me, at least for the time I got to spend at his house watching it. By the time he’d gotten into something called a gummi ship and was buzzing around a bad space sim with some Disney jerks I’d lost interest - but that prologue? Those first hours? They starred a kid named Roxas, and boy did I love him. I wouldn’t have said ‘love’ at the time, but that’s probably what is was. Roxas lived the ultimate imposter syndrome in a world built entirely for the benefit of someone else, doomed to be subsumed by somebody with bigger hair and bigger shoes. He had friends who didn’t really know him, and glitches bedevilled his steps, and there was a crushing weight of melancholy that pressed down upon him. Roxas was so, so sad - and he didn’t know why, he couldn’t even express why, and when he tried all he could come up with was banal platitudes about the end of summer, but that wasn’t quite right, that wasn’t really the issue, and he knew it wasn’t right. A countdown timer was tick tick ticking away in some grand cosmic joke that he could sense but could not confront. And there was this girl. There were two girls, really, both in dreams, one in fragments, the other who smiled at him with the saddest smile and eyes that knew the truth - that neither of them were real, and the dreamworld in which they all lived was as ephemeral as he had always feared.There’s an angering absurdity to Roxas, especially now that I’ve seen so much of Kingdom Hearts 1. We are told he is only half of Sora, or half his heart, something along those lines: he is Sora’s teleologic shadow. This is nonsense. Sora is barely a person, and Roxas is hauntingly familiar, painfully real - a kindred spirit to a long vanished 14 year old who even then was starting to grapple with the hollowness that rang in his ears, the disquiet that followed his soul. Half of Sora? Sora is a nobody . - Roxas is the true person. If there was justice in the world, than Roxas, Prufrock and I would take a long trip into the country in search of meaning and stability of being.“Why am I doing this?” you might ask. “Why do this when you don’t seem to like Kingdom Hearts.” Of course I like Kingdom Hearts - I love it. It gave me Roxas, and eight hours of a surreal and wistful summer’s end. Perhaps a bit too narrow focus for real enjoyment, and yet here we are. I am here for Roxas - no more, no less. If I must fight through dross and narrative gossamer to reach him again, so be it.The shortest answer: I said the game was poorly written; I never said I wasn’t enjoying it. 

[marginalgloss]

stunned by coffee

Authentocrats: Culture, Politics and the New Seriousness is a new book by Joe Kennedy. It begins with recalling an incident from a few years ago, when Owen Smith, who was then regarded as a potential leader of the Labour party, made a bizarre comment about how 'frothy coffee' (cappuccino) was new to him in a small cafe in Wales. The author takes apart this remark with the grace of a surgeon. He explains how that area, like many others in the UK, had been shaped over generations by waves of Italian immigration, and that Smith’s remark was shaped out of ignorance with the intent of appealing to a vague notion of working class authenticity. For a certain kind of person this can be reduced to an exclamation over what Smith called 'posh biscuits and a little cup':

'He was not some member of the metropolitan elite, he was saying, unlike Corbyn: no, he was a real prole, stunned by coffee, dumbfounded by little biscuits. And yet anyone, by spending about twenty-five seconds on the internet, can tell that Smith is by background part of a liberal middle class, endowed with substantial cultural capital, and by profession — namely as a one-time PR consultant for a huge, European-based pharmaceuticals company — precisely the kind of person who could instantly pick a cappuccino out of a lineup of seven hundred ways of serving coffee.'

Smith is perhaps one of the softer targets of the book – the 'frothy coffee' remark was considered risible from the moment it was uttered – but this incident works well as one of the most absurd examples of a trend that's evident in the behaviour of almost every significant political and media figure in Britain. I was only surprised that the book doesn't spend much time on Nigel Farage, but perhaps he would require a volume all to himself. On the whole it's highly perspicacious, funny and true. It feels like a very modern blend of polemic, critical theory and memoir; a bit more rigorous than the average online opinion-haver, while revelling in a certain aggro vibe that leaves it lurking several steps away from academia.

Aside from the directly political angle, the book also goes off on several long digressions into the nature of authenticity in popular culture. The author allows himself a very long leash in these chapters, which range far and wide through literature, film and TV. Some of the examples seem more relevant than others; certainly I couldn't summarise now what point was trying to emerge about Peter Jackson and the Lord of the Rings movies. But I enjoyed the passages on Henry Green, who is still one of our most interesting and neglected post-war novelists. And there's some very good stuff here about the nineties in Britain, our long hangover from lad culture, and the uneasy relationship between Millennials and Gen Xers.

The thing about engaging so thoroughly with the question of authenticity in politics and culture is that it becomes difficult for the book to extricate itself from it. At times the theory here seems to be urging the reader to turn away from arguments about 'the kind of people' they see before them towards a kind of broad class-based solidarity, based on the idea that we all have more in common than what separates us. But at the same time, it can't quite set aside the language of 'reactionary traditionalism' that it spends so long lamenting elsewhere. Meaning still pivots on assumptions about things that belong and things that don't.

I like, for example, that the author lampoons the fact that 'the Times and the Telegraph both employ several writers whose job seems to involve little but acting as if the greatest social ills facing the UK in 2017 are the popularity of the avocado, the rise of craft beer and the ubiquity of beards.' This is true. It is a stupid tendency. We know this. But immediately after these lines, a whole crowd of other assumptions pile in:

'Such writers have an implied audience of comfortably-off professional people — generally men, given the masculinist tone of this writing — in their forties and early fifties who know, or think they know, what a “hipster” looks like and where they can be found. Indeed, the reason they are aware regarding the whereabouts of the people they believe are hipsters is that, frequently enough, they’re collecting rent from them.'

As drive-by humour, this kind of works. It's a passage which creates a whole little society of its own, in just two sentences. But we're supposed to take it more seriously than that. The problem is that it's rejected the character-based assumptions of the avocado/craft beer/beard-complainers, and replaced them with a set of its own. Not long after this, the author recounts a story from a friend who complains that their landlord turns up to carry out house inspections 'on a fucking Vespa'. By now we're a long way from frothy coffees, but the implication is surely that they didn't really belong on that scooter.

Another example. At one point the Labour MP Jess Phillips is cited as an example of someone who brandishes their working class credentials as part of their public persona; gleefully the author comes in with the left-field rejoinder that 'Phillips talks incessantly about her West Midlands upbringing whilst typically failing to note that it was entirely middle-class'. It may be true that her accent and her demeanour feed into our ideas about what a 'real' politician looks like, but to scrutinise her origins in this way is just playing the authentocrats at their own game. This kind of assessment requires the kind of snap-judgement of authenticity that the book spends so long bemoaning.

The book expends a great deal of energy in undermining the media-led construct of a homogenous majority of working class people whose 'legitimate concerns' include our nuclear deterrent, immigration, benefit fraud, etc. This is right, I think, and on that front the book is a strong and focussed corrective to that idea. But at the same time, there is a certain amount of eye-rolling at the idea that anyone could believe earnestly in these things. It's difficult to explain what I mean by this without falling into the same old trap: that to pretend to cater to 'legitimate concerns' is to manifest a secret contempt for the working class. To be clear, I've nothing at stake: I don't have to cater to anyone. I have no interest in listening to points of view I find immoral, and in most cases I'd much prefer if politicians were more open and principled about their disagreements.

The problem is that this book has nothing to say to anyone who might earnestly believe in some of the things it holds at arm's length. Should it? I don't know. Whether or not that's a problem for the reader probably depends on what they are expecting. There's not much in the way of solutions here. It takes a certain amount for granted from its audience: that the idea of a nuclear deterrent is oxymoronic; that immigration has brought vast benefits to this country, many of which are incalculable; that a Corbyn-led Labour party would in general be a highly progressive force for good in the world. And yes, these are all positions that I agree with – I'm not the one who needs convincing here. But Authentocrats left me with no idea of how one might go about talking to anyone who thinks differently.

At one point there's an anecdote about encountering a flyer in a pub, printed with some cringeworthy pro-English doggerel. The author has a bit of fun with the poet’s complaint that nobody teaches Shakespeare or Wilde or Shaw anymore. But then the flyer slips away, useful only as a prop for a wider point about the vacuous nature of English patriotism. Nationalism holds no appeal for me; maybe such things are mostly deserving of contempt. But given that these feelings have thrived on (real or imagined) intellectual contempt for so long, I can't help but wonder what would happen if we tried something else.

[retrauxpunk]

i saw this bunch of asks and i’ve decided to answer all of them because fuck waiting for asks that’s why

billie jean: what do you notice more in a song - the drums or bassline?

probably the drums. this is embarrassing but i barely even know what a bassline is. don’t ask.

sweet dreams (are made of this): what’s the best dream you’ve had?

i was in the hunger games with ben whishaw. we were sort of allies. we were some of the tributes remaining toward the end of the game. we had this intense moment of eye contact in which we weren’t sure if we were going to kill/get killed by the other, and then we made out. fuck yeah.

africa: favourite 80s music video?

i agree with @cheapskate-bleeding-queer​, Dancing in the Street is really something.

every breath you take: who’s the first person your mind goes to when you hear a love song?

either my boyfriend or my ex, depending on what kind of love song it is haha

should i stay or should i go: how many languages do you speak?

one fluently, one relatively proficiently, and basic spoken knowledge for another

uptown girl: what’s your favourite book trope?

there’s too many! here are a few i like: allies fighting with sword-like weapons back to back; badass battle magic; characters deciding to make out as a way to hide their real agenda (e.g. trespassing); saving each other’s lives; cyberpunk/biopunk; urban fantasy; people who save the world/have magic powers but also have normal lives of school/work

don’t stop believin’: what’s the longest journey you’ve been on?

mmm... flying from sydney to london. jesus. an entire day. but it was business class, so it was pretty cushy ... the flight from germany to sydney felt much longer because it was in economy and the shorter flight (8) was first, and the second one (16 or some shit) was second, so really i was going a bit nuts.

i wanna dance with somebody (who loves me): who was the last person you danced with?

my boyfriend, at the paramore concert

maneater: where did you spend your last friday night?

hanging out at my boyfriend’s work, playing beer pong

jessie’s girl: what would you do if you found out your best friend was seeing your ex?

be incredibly shocked/surprised and upset and bitter ... and ask them why? and also chew out my ex too. but more angry at the best friend because they know how my relationship with the ex went and it’d be a real douchey move for them to get with them haha. ...thankfully this is very very very unlikely to happen.

born in the u.s.a.: what’s your home town like?

sunny with a beautiful harbour. very expensive in terms of housing. pretty multicultural, with white, asian, and middle eastern being the dominant groups (in descending order). lots of great food.

wake me up before you go-go: how did your last date go?

saw Early Man with my boyfriend at the cinema. it was nice. uneventful but pleasant, which is how things usually go when you’ve been together for years...

girls just want to have fun: relationship with your parents?

we have really different/conflicting views about basically everything, which is what happens when we’re from different generations and grew up in different cultures... #immigrantlife but they tried their best and love me and i love them even though it has been kinda rough

beat it: opinions on the police force?

a necessary institution, i’d rather have one than not have one, but has several serious endemic issues regardless of which culture we’re talking about

never gonna give you up: how old were you when you joined the internet?

around the time this was a meme haha :p ... around 12-13, when I got into message boards and post by post roleplaying.

faith: when was your first kiss?

15 for a peck, 17 for making out

i’m so excited: where was your first kiss?

outside my house for the peck, and in Sydney’s Hyde Park for making out

take on me: could you reach the high note?

absolutely not, but i make a dumb attempt anyway

footloose: favourite musical?

The Book of Mormon!!!!!!!

9 to 5: do you like country music?

I’m not sure. Maybe?

back in black: what makes a good rock song?

a strong beat! strength of instruments! a hot voice and good lyrics. makes me want to start drumming my fingers/tapping feet/headbanging, no matter where i am. i’m too crap at music to be able to give a better answer, so have that subjective one.

material girl: are you sentimental?

absolutely. i’ll bleed my heart all over your carpet and ruin your clothes. though i don’t know if that comes across for people who don’t know me too well?

walk this way: what was the most expensive thing you bought in the last six months?

probably concert tickets for me and my boyfriend ... either that or my Doc Martens

you shook me all night long: are you seeing anyone at the moment?

yup

thriller: favourite film genre and why?

I like quite a few, but probably action/thriller. I love good action movies, I love watching well-choreographed combat and general Cool Badassitude, and the dialogue tends to be peppered with fun humour too. Really good for suspense and engagement.

i want candy: chocolate or sweets?

Chocolate

ghostbusters: how far do you believe in the paranormal?

I don’t really, but I wouldn’t push my luck either.

the power of love: does true love exist?

absolutely! all love is true love. if it’s not true, it’s not love.

hungry like the wolf: what’s your crush’s favourite music genre?

stuff like Queen

walk like an egyptian: favourite song currently in the charts?

Lemon To A Knife Fight by the Wombats

(i’ve had) the time of my life: if you could relive any ten minutes of your life, what would you relive?

listening to Pink Floyd’s Time while on acid (the first time I’d tried either the album or the drug)

just can’t get enough: what’s your guilty pleasure?

I don’t really feel guilty about my pleasures?

i’m gonna be (500 miles): how far apart do you and your best friend live?

lmao. a 24 hour flight apart. about as far away as you can get

you spin me round (like a record): favourite modern cover of an older song?

i don’t know many, but the Scissor Sisters cover of Comfortably Numb as a disco hit is really good!

we built this city: if you were president, what would your first ruling be?

oh god uh I don’t know. but some stuff I’d like to make happen are: increasing taxes on fossil fuels, more protections for queer folk, making abortion safe and easily accessible, overhauling the sex ed curriculum in schools to include a lot more focus on consent and the nuances of consent instead of focussing purely on physical sexual health, increasing funding for mental health, OH BOY I COULD GO ON AND ON 

how will i know: do you believe everyone is deserving of love?

by default yes ... for people like ivan milat ... no ... so, yes, except in the extreme cases of people proven to be unrepentant and unwilling to reform after committing atrocities

nothing’s gonna stop us now: what’s been the biggest hurdle you’ve faced in your life so far?

either my own mental health RE being quite neurotic/obsessive, or a bad former partner who did some things that fucked me up. they’ve recently seemed to be truly sorry/empathetic though so that one at least will be getting better now. tbh they’re both getting better, so that’s nice!

come on eileen: have you ever written a song? if so, what was the genre?

i kinda wrote lyrics and had an idea for a melody for this ... some kind of bad sappy love song that would probably be in the pop rock category? oh god i’m so glad i have no further memory of it

living on a prayer: which was the song of your childhood?

if we’re talking pre-teenagerhood ... um ... I dunno! maybe ‘Sk8er Boi’ or Atomic Kitten’s ‘The Tide is High’ haha. as for my mid-teens ... Tokio Hotel’s ‘Der Letzte Tag’. late teens, it’d be ... maybe Taylor Swift’s ‘Holy Ground’.

sweet child o’ mine: describe your perfect first date.

meeting somewhere public, having good food and drink, excellent conversation and laughs, then going to my/their place and having more of the same, and making out and potentially Other Things wink nudge giggle wink wink nudge

don’t you (forget about me): is there anyone from your past that you regret cutting ties with?

No. HA. feels good to say that

eye of the tiger: favourite 80s movie?

i .................. don’t know if I have one

under pressure: give an example of a world event that occurred the year you were born.

Nelson Mandela was inaugurated as president of South Africa

with or without you: what would you value most: a relationship or a job?

oh my god i don’t fucking know. 

another one bites the dust: where did you achieve your biggest accomplishment?

what ... even was my biggest accomplishment ... I guess either in my school’s exam hall (getting a high ATAR), or on my apartment couch (finishing NaNoWriMo)

pour some sugar on me: turn ons?

oh boy, hmm: having the exact same ideological beliefs as me; a lean but toned body; Irish/Scottish/Russian accents (among several others); neck kisses; being clever; being very skilled at something (esp something with a physical dimension e.g. drawing, playing guitar, snowboarding, etc.); the right amount of confidence/bravado but only when I’m already into them (otherwise this becomes a 10000x turn-off) 

in the air tonight: do you enjoy flying?

YEAH BB

tainted love: thoughts on synthesisers/electronic drum kits/technology based music?

i have no problem with it and it can produce excellent stuff just like any older instrument

like a virgin: share a controversial opinion.

i hate avocados

karma chameleon: what do you like most about your appearance?

on good days, hair and face. otherwise, my body.

[em-takes-med]

5 Lessons I learned in the First Year of Med

It is now the final weeks of my first year in medical school (eek). It’s interesting to see how much I have grown in the last year and how different the Em of today is compared with the Em of 2016. Here are some things I have learned over my first year of medicine: 

1. Medical school is a full time job (if not more) 

You will have to study many hours a day to stay on top of work. At the peak of study hours I go to class for 3-5 hours a day, then study around 4-5 hours on top of that. I try to have one day a week that I don’t study heavily, to try and avoid burnout. This is usually on a Thursday, which is the same day as I have clinical work in the morning. You must treat your study as a job, because medical school is very grueling. The more prepared you are, the less pressure you will feel when crunch time arrives around exams. 

Unfortunately, the fact that you have to constantly study also means that it is difficult to work a part time job. A couple of people in my cohort do have jobs but I know that some also have issues with finding time to study adequate amounts. Personally, I’m pretty sure those people are superhuman to be able to work many days a week and still get through their university workloads (plus some of them have children!). If you were to work a part time job (which I did in my undergraduate), time management is absolutely essential in order to stay on top of your work load. Working on the holidays when you get home is also a good way to save up some money to help you out during the school year. 

2. Keep in touch with your family and friends and value the time you get to spend with them

It is easy to feel isolated when you move away from home from the first time (this goes for all degrees, not just medicine!) so maintaining the relationships with your family and friends at home is a good way to feel connected. My mum and dad are 100% supportive of me and talking to them on almost a daily basis is so awesome. They keep me up to date on what my siblings are up to, what they are up to and what my family is up to, which makes me feel still very much a part of my family, even though I am a long way away. Similarly, I often talk to my grandparents on the phone, which makes me very happy. Keeping in touch with old friends is also very calming. Med school can be a bubble, so it’s good to have friends and people to talk to outside it. 

3. Look after your mental and physical wellbeing

Mental health is so incredibly important, as is physical health. Keep hobbies outside of medicine, do things you enjoy and SLEEP. Sleep is so incredibly important for mental and physical health. The body repairs and replenishes during sleep, as well as giving you a much needed break from the mental toll that medicine can take. Eating well, drinking water and exercising regularly is also very important for mental and physical health. 

Cherish the relationships and hobbies that bring you joy. I like to spend time with my boyfriend watching movies, as well as hanging out with my girlfriends on the weekends (and sometimes weekdays). Animals also make me so, so happy! Spending time with furry friends (at college we have a golden retriever and a goat!) is a great way to relieve stress <3. 

If you are really struggling (or if you need some extra support), it is imperative that you talk to a professional. These people can be counsellors, psychologists or online/on the phone help lines. Please know that you have those supports in place if you need extra help. Most unis are now very focussed on mental health and will give you the academic support too (special considerations etc). 

4. Your friends at the start of the year, might not be your friends at the end of the year

This one is pretty self explanatory. People’s priorities change as time goes on and you may find yourself drifting from the people who were your friends earlier in the year. This is completely normal, as you will find your people and stick with them <3

5. Small victories

You passed a quiz? Celebrate! You finished a module? Hooray! You got out of bed? Hell yeah! 

Small victories are important to keep perspective of how much you deserve to be at university. Even if you fail, you are still smart and capable and will learn from what happened. Celebrate those small victories! You deserve to!

If any of you have any questions about medical school or university in general, let me know! <3 

[magzoso-tech]

New Post has been published on https://magzoso.com/tech/philips-bdm4350uc-43-inch-4k-ultra-hd-monitor-review/

Philips BDM4350UC 43-Inch 4K Ultra HD Monitor Review

Laptops may account for the bulk of computer sales, but it’s hard to argue against the advantages of a big screen, especially when you have to juggle multiple apps at the same time. A big, high-resolution display opens up possibilities that even the biggest laptops cannot aim to match.

And they don’t come much bigger than the monitor we’ll be reviewing today. We’ve had the chance to spend a few weeks using the Philips BDM4350UC, a 43-inch 4K LCD monitor, to see whether a really big screen can turbocharge your productivity. Could this be the monitor of your dreams? It’s time to find out.

Philips BDM4350UC design and specifications

Given its size, it’s no surprise that the Philips BDM4350UC resembles a television more than a traditional monitor. In most cases, monitors — except ones with atypical aspect ratios — look like smaller televisions, save for the fact that most of them have stands that let you adjust their position in ways that televisions aren’t designed for.

But the Philips BDM4350UC looks just like any television of its size. In fact, installing this monitor involves fixing two legs stick out quite a bit on either side of the monitor, just like we’ve seen with large-screen televisions by the likes of Xiaomi and others. We didn’t have a table large enough to accommodate this monitor fixed to its legs, so we decided to leave them in the box.

Thankfully, the monitor is still stable enough to stand on its own without any problems, and that’s how we used it for the entire duration of our test period. Though there’s a slight tilt to the back when it’s in this position, it’s definitely not as stable as it would be with the legs, and we don’t advise using it like this out in the real world. With or without the legs, there’s no way to adjust the height of the monitor, nor do you have the option to tilt or swivel the display in any way, which is a bit of a change from many popular standard-sized monitors.

The sheer size of this monitor is something you’ll need to keep in mind before purchasing it, as physically, it may not just be a plug-and-play replacement for, say, the 24-inch monitor you’re currently using. It does have a standard 200x200mm VESA mount for wall-mounting, or for a third-party VESA stand that could enable tilt and swivel adjustment that the monitor lacks by itself.

The bezels aren’t particularly large, but this is no edge-to-edge monitor, and one could argue that it doesn’t need to be because of its sheer size. We never really noticed the bezels, probably because there was so much screen real estate occupying our field of view. The overall design looks and feels premium, and this monitor is nothing like most of the budget televisions that we’ve seen recently.

A small plasticky piece jets out from the centre at the bottom. This piece features a Philips logo and a small LED that stays on without attracting any attention when the device is powered on, and strobes gently when it is in standby mode.

All the ports are at the back, on the left-hand side (as you reach backwards from the front) near the bottom, except for the power inlet which is on the right. You get two HDMI 2.0 ports (with MHL), two DisplayPort 1.2 ports, and a VGA port for input. Additionally, you get four USB 3.0 ports, one of which is listed to support “fast charging”, and a USB-in port to connect the monitor’s USB ports to your computer. Audio-in and audio-out (3.5mm) ports are also thrown in for good measure. As we noted, all these ports face outwards, which did not prove to be a problem for us, but it might be a concern if you wish to wall mount this monitor.

The Philips BDM4350UC offers plenty of ports

The panel measures 42.51 inches (108cm) diagonally, which allows Philips to market this as a 43-inch monitor. The native resolution of 3840×2160 pixels is supported at up to 60Hz, with a claimed typical response time of 5ms. The peak brightness is said to be 300 nits, with a typical contrast ratio of 1200:1. The panel does not support HDR. There are two built-in speakers of 7W each, which sounds like a good idea in theory, and we’ll soon find out how they perform in the real world.

The monitor also supports picture-in-picture (PIP) and picture-by-picture (PBP) modes that let it display input from more than one device at the same time. There are no buttons at the front — there’s only one joystick-style button at the back near the bottom right that’s used to control all settings. It takes some getting used to the positioning and functioning of this button, but after a couple of days with the monitor we were reaching out for it and adjusting settings blind without any problems. A power button that can be flicked to turn the monitor on or off is also located at the back, though it’s not as easy to reach.

Philips BDM4350UC performance

In this section, we’ll focus on two main areas — the first, how it is to use a monitor of this size on a day-to-day basis, and the impact it can have on your productivity. The second is the performance of this panel itself, in which we will look at some benchmarks and other formal tests.

We connected the monitor to a Mac mini, and macOS defaulted to the native 4K resolution. We had no problems reading text and most other on-screen elements, so we didn’t bother scaling down to a lower resolution, though your mileage may vary. The only UI elements that seemed a bit too tiny for our comfort were the menu bar near the top right corner of the screen. Switching to 3200×1800 resolution resulted in a better experience.

With that said, we loved the extra pixels that the native resolution offers and switched back to it in no time, deciding to live with the slight discomfort of smaller menu bar icons. As you would expect, the 4K panel at its native resolution gives you an enormous amount of real estate, and as someone who’s constantly juggling multiple windows, we decided to make the most of it.

We dedicated one part of the screen to our email client, another to the browser, one to Slack (our chat application), and another to Google Analytics, which we love keeping an eye on in real time. We still had plenty of real estate leftover for other windows. While it was great being able to keep tabs on so many applications at the same time, we did notice some patterns in our usage.

Despite having all the additional pixels, we tended to position the “main application” — i.e. whatever we were focussing on at the time — near the bottom-left of the screen. So, while the mail client’s message list window stayed on the top-left of the screen, we composed emails near the bottom-left (thankfully the macOS Mail app remembers the winndow’s position after you’ve dragged it once). We found that the top half of the display was largely useless for anything other than monitoring apps that require an occasional glance.

While the ability to have large documents display on the screen in a tall window sounds good in theory, we found that looking at the top one-third (at least, if not the top half) of the screen for long requires too much effort, and it almost feels like watching a movie from the front row. We think that everyone will end up having “sweet spots” where most of the action takes place, with everything else in the periphery.

There are some other problems that arose due to the quirks of macOS combined with our usage habits. Notifications from Mac apps show up in the upper-right corner of the screen, and this is a behaviour that cannot be changed (other than disabling notifications altogether, of course). This means that if you’re focused on the bottom-left of the screen like us, it is all too easy to miss notifications due to the sheer size of this display. Even when we did manage to catch them, at times it seemed like too much effort to shift our attention to the top right corner and then back again to what we were working on.

We also booted into Windows on our Mac mini to see what the experience was like. By default, Windows resorted to 300 percent scaling, but we switched to 100 percent, and the experience was pretty similar to what we noted with macOS above. Text was sharp — even at 8-point size — and the overall experience was nothing like what you’d remember from hooking up your old, large-screen, non-4K TV to your computer a few years ago.

Of course to make the most of such a monitor, some people might need to change some habits. Many users who grew up using Windows are used to maximising their current window and using Alt-Tab to switch between apps. If you are someone who’s married to that working style, unless you are using apps like Photoshop or other pro-grade apps, you are unlikely to get much benefit out of a monitor of this size, and will likely see huge white (or black) bands on either side of your content.

Some of you might be worried about eye strain associated with using such a large display at relatively short distances. We didn’t experience any physical discomfort while using this monitor, but we’ve spent nearly every waking moment for the best part of the last 30 years in front of one screen or another, so we are probably not best suited to comment on the subject of eye strain and we recommend getting an opinion from a licensed medical professional instead.

As we mentioned earlier, diving into the monitor’s settings requires you to reach around for the joystick-style button, but we got used to it and the menu layout pretty quickly. The settings let you control basic stuff like the current input source, the picture format (widescreen, 4:3, or 1:1, though the latter seemed to have no effect and mimicked widescreen), colour temperature, gamma correction, brightness, contrast, and pretty much everything else you might expect (see images below).

Philips BDM4350UC OSD settings

There are a bunch of standard features under Philips’ marketing names, such as SmartImage presets that are supposedly optimised for Movie, Game, and Office scenarios, and SmartResponse which is designed to optimise response time and reduce lag while gaming. We were fairly happy with the settings out of the box, but it’s good to know that the options exist for those who want a bit more control.

Our favourite part of the settings panel was the one related to PIP and PBP. The former gives you an inset that takes over a part of the screen. You can select which source gets to be the main input, and which gets to be the inset. You can customise its position(top-left, bottom-left, bottom-right, top-right) as well as size (small, medium, large), with the inset taking over a little less than a quarter of the screen at its largest size.

PIP on the Philips BDM4350UC with an Apple TV in the inset

We found this to be useful while, say, working on the main screen while having an Apple TV connected so we could follow a cricket match while continuing to work. Yes, you can easily do this by having Hotstar open in a browser window on your machine, and both ways have their advantages and disadvantages.

We appreciated the ability to use the Apple TV remote to control the video we were watching without interrupting what we were working on, though the disadvantage is that we couldn’t control the exact positioning of the inset, the way you would a window on your computer. which means it can end up covering important on-screen elements. We wish there was a way to use the joystick to position the inset exactly where one wants.

PBP lets you position two, three, or four sources side by side, without any overlap. This didn’t appeal to us a lot, but your mileage may vary. It’s a nice way to have, say, the same computer and Apple TV running side by side so one doesn’t get in the way of the other. To get the most out of this mode, it’s best to have the resolution of your computer set to 1080p, as each input in PBP mode is being rendered in full-HD resolution.

PBP with two, three, and four sources. We had only two devices connected, hence the repition.

In the PassMark MonitorTest Master Screen, running at native 4K resolution in the 16:9 ratio, the top left grille with a pixel spacing of one pixel appeared as a uniform grey colour instead of individual black pixel lines. We switched to 4:3 and could then see the individual lines. However, the centre circle which is expected to be a circle at 4:3 was more of an oval, while it appeared to be a perfect circle at 16:9. The opposite happened with the four smaller circles in the corners. We didn’t notice any blurring or smearing in the six coloured squares near the centre. Everything else on the screen was as expected as well.

The solid colour screens of the benchmark appeared fine, as did the Scale Black-Red and Black-Blue screens, though the Scale Black-Green appeared as a series of distinct vertical green lines of different shades, instead of one smooth gradient like in the other screens. In the Gamma Red, Green, and Blue tests, we noticed that the rectangular bar faded into the background at Gamma level 1.16. In the Fonts Test, the 6-point text was just about readable, with individual characters as distinct as we could expect them to be.

In the browser-based Eizo test, we noticed issues similar to PassMark on the opening screen, with the squares appearing as individual black and white lines in 4:3 resolution, but as a grey square at 16:9. We didn’t notice any defective pixels in any of the colours. In the uniformity test, we noticed that at 25 percent grey, the right half of the screen was brighter than the left, especially closer to the edge.

The monitor fared really well in the colour distances test, which means it can sufficiently differentiate between colours that are similar. Our colour gradients tests reported similar results to PassMark, with green being the only one that stood out as a little bit odd.

The Philips BDM4350UC excelled in the text sharpness test, with both White on Black and Black on White scenarios. However, the viewing angles test didn’t go as well, with noticeable changes in the sizes of the circles on screen as viewing angles increased. With that said, we didn’t notice significant degradation in quality when viewing content from odd angles in day-to-day usage. Eizo’s Gamma test indicated a value of 2.4.

We also spent a considerable amount of time using the monitor as a television, with a 4K Apple TV and an ACT Stream TV 4K media player connected to it. The monitor fared surprisingly well in this setup. Powering off the media player puts the monitor in standby mode, so we didn’t need to fiddle with the power switch. Power on a media player, and the monitor automatically switches the source to that input. The ACT Stream TV 4K media player has volume controls of its own, so we didn’t miss having a TV remote at all when using this as our video source.

The built-in speakers on the Philips BDM4350UC get loud enough to fill a large bedroom, and in all the time we spent with this monitor, we recall just one occasion when we wished they could’ve been louder, which could just be down to a poorly mixed show. Sound quality is good, and while there’s no real bass to speak of, the speakers are good enough to let you use this monitor as a standalone TV. You won’t need dedicated external speakers, though the audio-out port means you can do just that if necessary.

As far as picture quality is concerned, watching both HD and 4K content was pretty enjoyable, and while we didn’t have any complaints about the brightness of the panel, we did wish at times that the contrast ratio was a little bit better. In completely dark scenes, we also noticed a bit of “IPS Glow, especially near the right edge, though it wasn’t particularly bad. During the day, we found the glossy panel to be a bit too reflective at times, specifically when using the device as a television from a distance, though this wasn’t really an issue when we were sitting up close and using this it a monitor connected to our PC.

With a claimed response time of 5ms — and due to the fact that most PC graphics cards can’t drive 4K panels at their native resolution while offering consistent 60fps — this monitor isn’t targeted at gamers, so we didn’t run any formal gaming benchmarks. With that said, we did connect our Xbox to the monitor for a bit of gaming, and we were satisfied with the experience.

Verdict

There’s a lot to like about the Philips BDM4350UC. A 4K panel has the potential to greatly enhance your productivity, and this monitor delivers on pretty much everything it promises. Despite a few minor quirks, we didn’t find any major performance issues, and were more than satisfied with the overall experience. Creative professionals and others who can put the extra real estate to use will love what this monitor has to offer. We can also see this monitor being put to use in conference rooms as a high-resolution, all-purpose replacement for a projector, or on an office wall where the PIP/ PBP features can be used to display multiple sources at once.

However, as our time with the device showed, not everyone will be able to make the most of the extra pixels, and it’s easy to see in hindsight why many prefer using multiple regular-sized monitors next to each other instead of one giant 43-inch panel. Using such a large display as a monitor isn’t very practical and it’s easier to develop blind — or at least “non-preferred” — spots than when using a multi-monitor setup, as was the case in our usage.

With that said, if you are looking for a giant monitor that also doubles up as a television, the Philips BDM4350UC is a great bet. As much as we loved the PIP feature, even without that this monitor does a great job of being a television substitute, thanks to the good built-in speakers. All in all, we think this monitor will be a great addition to any home office where this kind of versatility could be particularly useful.

Price: Rs. 45,000 Warranty: 3 years

Pros

Decent overall performance

Plenty of inputs

4 USB 3.0 ports

Built-in speakers are good

Useful PIP and PBP features

Doubles up as a nice TV

Cons

Big panels aren’t great for all use cases

Contrast ratio could be better

Can be a bit too reflective at times

Ratings (out of 5)

Design: 4

Features: 4

Performance: 4

Value for Money: 3.5

Overall: 4

[fatgirlsguidetodating]

Fat girl problems example #3: the gym.

Ah, the gym. The place where guys who seem to be so horribly offended by the fact that a woman may be a bigger girl are quick to tell them to try. (Along with get off the couch, stop eating, eat a salad instead of junk food, try walking a few steps etc.) The place where even women with decent bodies can look bad in activewear let alone bigger girls. The place where good looking women wear makeup because one must look attractive whilst working out. The place these men assume is our worst enemy. And it kinda is. But not for the reasons these guys assume.

Not because we are too lazy. Well okay every single one of us- no matter our weight- can be lazy sometimes. I call bullshit on these guys who say they never miss the gym. Sometimes you may be hungover and not in the mood to sweat it out. Sometimes it might be raining for Australia and you think curling up in bed with a book or the couch in front of the heater with Netflix seems like a better option. Sometimes you may have had a horror day at work and you’d rather go home and have a fishbowl sized glass of wine than go the gym. But the reluctance of many bigger girls to join the gym is not based on laziness at all.

The main reason for avoiding the gym is embarrassment. It’s ironic because bigger people are forever being bombarded with the message that you should be spending all your time and energy, all your spare time, working on losing the weight and changing your body. Yet the gym reveals a scary double-bind of attitudes towards bigger people. Because even doing what you’re supposed to be doing- trying to work out- it’s like you are the main attraction at the zoo and there are constant reminders that you are unwelcome and unwanted, the uninvited dinner guest, the third wheel at the movies.

The moment a bigger girl steps into the gym she’s a fish out of water. She’s surrounded by men and women with athletic, toned, slim, even skinny bodies who are working out like the world depends on it. But yet as she crosses the floor in her baggy old gym wear (read saggy tracksuit pants that are at least a size or two to big so as to try and hide her tummy and thighs and a t-shirt that she’s spent ages stretching out to the point that it can barely even be recognised as a tee anymore) all of which she bought a few years ago when she made that New Years resolution to join a gym and lose weight all eyes turn to her. Some may just look briefly, curious about a new face. Others will look and then smirk to themselves and think “yeah this will be entertaining” as she struggles to work out what each piece of equipment is for or how to use it if she’s never been (and surely even you guys I’m referencing in this article would have to admit the first time you entered a gym the myriad of torture devices- sorry gym equipment- was daunting to someone who hadn’t ever tried them before?). Others will watch because it’s like a car crash where you simply can’t look away as she plugs her headphones into the treadmill, sets the speed and incline and begins, watching as her face gets red with exertion and her hair sticks to her sweaty face and neck and sweat patches leave her tee stuck to her body in the exact places a bigger girl would not want the material to cling.

Some might snigger to themselves as she fails on a machine. Some might turn to their friend or workout buddy and have a chuckle together as they thank their lucky stars they were genetically blessed. Some might fight off a laugh but be quick to get on Facebook and tell the world about the far girl at the gym who couldn’t work out how to turn down or stop the treadmill and who totally went flying through the air ten metres before slamming to the floor. Eventually the mortification of being the gyms entertainment for the morning is too much and the embarrassment will get too much for her and she will slink out, avoiding the showers because they remind her of school bullying, and go home. The gym clothes she wore will be washed and then relegated to the dark recesses of her wardrobe, probably never to see the light of day again.

But there’s not complete truth to this: for the most part people at the gym are more focussed on their own workout than on you. Yeah I’m not gonna lie- there will be looks and mean girls are everywhere, they don’t just stop being bitches when they receive their high school graduation certificate. But fuck them- this is your journey not theirs. You don’t know them. They don’t matter. Chuck your earphones in, tune out and work out.

The second most common reason for a bigger girl avoiding the gym even though in her heart she wants to lose weight is because of clothes. Every girl thinks they don’t have enough clothes. Yet most of them have items of clothing they have barely worn. (I recently donated a bunch of clothing and many items still had their tags on them!) But trying to buy activewear- not just “normal” clothing- is like hell on earth for the bigger girl. Let me paint you a picture if I may?

You pick a few sizes and go to the changing rooms, those hellishly designed rooms with too many mirrors and that horrific fluro lighting that, combined, will not only show but also exaggerate your every single flaw. Inside you strip and hockey pull the first piece on. They are meant to be pants. But on you they are so tight you could wear them as compression tights on long flights to avoid any DVT’s from occurring. Then there is the inevitable overhang, the good Ol’ muffin top. As if that’s not bad enough there is another side effect of these uncomfortable pants which are constantly getting stuck up between your arse cheeks: the camel toe. (Or as one lovely man once told me that for fat chicks it was more an elephant toe or a hippopotamus toe.) You glance at the other activewear pants- the ones that are actually *meant* to be tight because they are more like leggings and know that there’s no point even trying them on because you’d be lucky to get them past your knees. So you turn to the top.

You picked one a size bigger because you wanted it to be as loose as possible and ideally longer than normal to hide your camel/elephant/hippopotamus/dinosaur toe. You squeeze into it and it’s not as loose as expected. Not as long. But that’s not even the worst thing. The worst thing is the way the sleeve holes are cut so they are bigger and hang down further than a normal top. On you the only thing this does is show off your dowdy old Bra, and your boob fat and side boob. No amount of tweaking can hide this. Style number two doesn’t have that (yay), but it’s tight fitting (boo) so you are pretty sure the second you reach down you will pop at least a couple of the seams. And here you know the truth: activewear was *not* made for the bigger girl wanting to get fit. It was made for the soccer mums who go out for coffee in their activewear after dropping their spawn at school so that everyone can admire their toned physique. Not for actual exercise!

But there’s a solution: any clothes can be gym clothes. Tracksuit pants and tees or tank tops that fit you can be worn. There’s. I dress code at the gym. And on the plus side when you lose the weight you will be able to buy that cool activewear!

So I’m going to leave you with these words that were given to me by a personal trainer at a gym: “Check your worries at the door. Going to the gym is a big step toward losing the weight and getting fitter at the same time. Remember that even a few minutes of exercise is still lapping the person who’s sitting at home on the couch too scared to take this first step. But once you take those first steps you’ll find solidarity among fellow active individuals — your workout should really be a moment of pride, not shame! Bigger people at the gym should be inspiring not something to be laughed at. Focus on your goals and your goals only, put one foot in front of the other, and you *will* get there I promise.”

Fatgirl

[un-enfant-immature]

Netflix is still too cheap

Ed Byrne Contributor

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Ed Byrne is an entrepreneur, investor and co-founder of Scaleworks.

How do you know your product is priced too low? One way is when you raise the price between 13 and 18%, you have almost no churn, not many complaints, and your stock price actually goes up!

When Netflix  class="markup--anchor markup--p-anchor" href="https://ift.tt/2TACzNr" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" data-href="https://ift.tt/2Yt4h2w their prices a few weeks ago, investors were so confident in the revenue increase that would be delivered that they didn’t even wait to see what customer’s reaction would be.

Netflix spends an astounding amount of money on content rights and content development — supposedly budgeting $15 billion for 2019 — and resulting in $3 billion in negative cash flow, which is heavily funded with debt — at $10.4 billion by the end 2018.

Even at its already large size, the company continues to grow rapidly, so I am not suggesting their cash flow or spending is any cause for concern.

What I am suggesting is that Netflix is too cheap, and could likely be cashflow profitable without reducing investment in content, by implementing some pricing model changes. The fact that customers and investors did not seem to bat an eyelid at the recent price increase gives me some confidence that they are not maximizing profit per customer!

In some scenarios, especially early on, companies decide to focus on customer acquisition at the expense of revenue maximization. Other than the unfathomable madness of some companies that do this while running a negative GROSS margin (a big ‘thank you’ to their investors for subsidizing consumers!), market share ‘land grabs’ in B2C can make sense. It looks like Netflix has been focussed on market share for a long time and continues to focus on maximizing subscriber numbers over profit.

But is it really a linear equation — where an increase in price will result in a decrease in new subscribers or total subscribers? Clearly not in this case. Wouldn’t it be worth at least testing variations on the pricing model in somemarket segments to discover the optimum value price?

Quick definition — the Optimum Value Price is where you can capture the highest number of customers, at the right price for each type of customer.  

Right now — Netflix differentiates price in 2 ways only — number of screens, and HD or Ultra HD. I think Ultra HD is a bit of a red herring as most devices and connections are not capable of getting it, and there’s not much content either. So really — the primary driver of price is number of screens — 1 for $9, 2 for $13 and 4 for $16.

This assumes the only difference between customers is the number of devices they want to watch content on at the same time. This is a misnomer. No one is watching 2 devices simultaneously— one with each eye?! So it’s really the number of users on an account —  1 user for $9, 2 users for $13 (nearly a 30% discount off list) or 4 users for $16 (a 45% discount from a single user account).

Consider some of the likely differences between consumers, and the variables by which they derive value: 

Number of Hours Watched

Variety of Content Consumed (number of different shows and movies)

‘Binge Watchers’

Demographics (geographic and individual)

Devices, Connections and Locations Watched From

Frequency and Length of Simultaneous Connections

If you wanted to be aggressive, you could think about time of day, early access to new series and movies, premium content, subscriptions to different genres. But lets keep it simple for now — here’s a slightly more value-based pricing plan idea:

The base plan price hasn’t been changed— but that may be doable — so these increases are from what might already be a not optimized starting point.

On the Unlimited Plan — think about how many people have more than 1 user, watch Netflix multiple times a week, don’t ever want to think about usage limits and are not price sensitive to $30 a month for something they use regularly (and that has exclusive content they really want to see —  Netflix has so many ‘must watch’ shows!)? Is it 10% of US subscribers? If so, a back-of-the-envelope calculation shows that’s likely over $1bn in 100% margin contributing revenue.

The real question is this — if Netflix changed its pricing model to be a little more complex and value-based — what is the level of change that can be sustained without materially reducing subscriber retention and addition? My guess is there’s at least enough leeway to reduce the need for debt to fund content.

[lukaswittorf]

Cinematography: Session 02

In our second session of BSA234 Cinematography, we dealt with a revision of compression and its usage in resolution. After that, we analysed the opening sequence of Terminator 2: Judgement Day with focus on lighting, framing and camera movements. Furthermore, we were discussing physical aspects of light and technical terms, which are relevant for daily work on a film set as a gaffer and a DOP.

We spend the rest of the lesson with a hands-on practice in rigging the Sony F3 and the Blackmagic Cinema cameras.

Class

Compression Compression differentiates between lossless-/ and lossy-compression.

In general, the sensor uses a grid of pixels. These pixels can detect the amount of brightness, which hits on a pixel. Each pixel contains a 2x2 array, which possesses different filters on each field to let only red, blue or green light through. There are 2 fields, which have a filter to block red and blue light, because the human eye is more sensitive to green light and an image with a higher green percentage seems for humans less noisy and more detailed. *

The lossless compression takes advantage of this grid to store the brightness of each color in each pixel and decodes the information in the next step to show a picture with its colors with as less compression as possible.  The lossy compression only takes the brightness of one field in a pixel and calculates the average for all the other fields in a pixel. Through this process it is possible to store pictures with a fraction of storage space, but at the same time, the file contains less details and information.  * Source: https://www.cambridgeincolour.com/tutorials/camera-sensors.htm

Resolution, Ratio and Frame-Rates We were discussing the difference between resolution and ratio and we have come to the conclusion that the resolution is the size of an image measured in pixels and depending on the size of the chip in camera or how many pixels of the chip are used.  The most common industry resolution has changed during the development of the camera from 400x400 to the first television standards with 720x576i with an interlaced scanning procedure. That procedure only shows half of the current image and splits the screen in rows with the current and the next image, which follows a fraction after the current frame (1/50 or 1/60 second). That procedure was able to save amounts of data, but if the camera was moved with a certain amount of speed, you could see the rows or stripes in a picture. 

Interlaced-Example: Source: Lukas Wittorf

The next stage of resolution was HD720 (1280x720) or HD-ready which was used for the first generations of LCD and Plasma TV-Screens, but the most common resolution is still FullHD with a size of 1920x1080 pixels, which suits best for the most common TV aspect ratio 16:9. Today’s screens use the scanning procedure progressive which shows each frame at a time. 

Other frame-rates, for more flexibility in post-production and the possibility to zoom into footage without loosing too much details are the 2k, 4k and the 8k resolutions. Against most other camera units in halving and doubling between stops, 4k does not contain double as many pixels as 2k. By multiplying width and height, the result is a resolution of 4x2k. 

Ratio or Aspect Ratio describes the shape of a frame and in general the ratio between the height and the width of an image. 

The ratio depends on the medium being used.  The first movies had been shot in 1:1. Later on it had become 4:3 until the sweet spot for TV was determined to be 16:9.  Other formats like cinema-scope are using a ratio of 2.34:1 and in theaters it’s 1.85:1.  A current trend is the web-format 9:16 for social platforms like instagram, facebook or snapchat.  Another factor of movies is the frame rate in which the movie has been shot. 

The present TV frame-rate has its background from the power-system frequency of several countries and changes between national standards. The TV-System PAL in Oceania, Western Europe and Australia runs with a frequency of 50 Hz and out of convenient reasons the standard frame rate in these regions is 25 frames per seconds. In Canada, America and Japan applies the NTSC TV-System with its 30 fps, because of its 60Hz power-frequency.

The common cinema frame-rate of 24 frames per second based on the perception of the human eye. We perceive movies with a frame rate with 24 pictures per second as fluid images. More pictures would be in times of film stock a waste of money. But to be accurate, the frame rate in cinemas is 23.976 fps. This fact comes from the early film stocks as well, because of the sample-rate of audio material being recorded on film stock. To be in synch, the frame-rate has to be a little bit slower than 24 fps.

After that, we had talked for a brief moment about anamorphic lenses, what I haven’t really understood.  After research, I can say that anamorphic lenses are used among cinematographers to save more horizontal information in a picture and to create an ultra-wide aspect ratio by stretching the footage horizontally in post.  In addition, you get oval-shaped bokeh and long horizontal lens-flares. 

Source: https://www.bhphotovideo.com/explora/video/features/anamorphic-lenses-key-widescreen-cinematic-imagery

Terminator-Judgement Day: Group-Analysis During class, we were analysing the starting sequence of the second movie from the Terminator series.  The scene doesn’t have much dialogue, so all characters had to be introduced by camera movements, framing, pacing and lighting without distracting the audience from the main story. The scene’s background is lit by motivated lighting to show all side-characters and their actions within the scene. 

Source: https://www.ign.com/articles/2009/05/14/best-terminator-movie-moments?page=3

When the fight starts, the pacing changes from calm to rapid and camera positions and eye-lines are changing as well to emphasize current domination between characters in a subtle way. 

Light and Color In general, we learned that light is a spectrum of frequencies between ultra violet-blue-green-red and infra red, consisting of waves and protons. The color we see is the reflection of light with its wave-lengths from certain objects, that we perceive as a specific color.  A general problem for cinematographers is the subjective perception of color. Relevant components for color perception in the human eye are called rods (sensitive to bright/dark contrast) and cones (sensitive to wave-length) and they differ from person to person.  In addition the process between the recorded reflection of light and the result on the screen contains so many steps that it’s impossible to create the same color-scheme for everybody.

A nice fact: The human interpretation of the color purple is false, because purple doesn’t exist in the spectrum of light. Our brain tries to fill the gap by combining the start (blue) and the end (red) of our visible light spectrum what creates the color purple. 

In cinematography, we distinguish light between the direction, the intensity and the focus of the light-source. The intensity is measured in lux/lumons or on a film set in stops and decreases in relation to the inverse square law. That means basically if you double the distance between a light source and an object, you will only receive a quarter of the light-intensity on the object. The focus determines how the light beams are running through the air. The more linear or focussed the light beams are the sharper become the shadows of an object. The easiest way to achieve that is so direct light against a mirror. The reflection contains only linear light beams.  In terms of art, the director is similar to an artist and the gaffer is the painter.

Rigging the Sony F3 We spend the rest of the session with the rig of the Sony F3.  At first we inspected several components and use-cases and started to install the tripod. After the F3 was mounted on the tripod, we practiced changing a lens in 2-person teams (one as DOP, one as First AC) on the F3 and the Blackmagic Cinema and afterwards added further components like pipes as basis for any other extension. 

The extensions that followed were: 

a mattebox with an ND-Filter

a puller focus with a whip for more flexibility in camera-movements

a preview monitor for the 1st AC with testing several modes like  false color mode for perfect exposure, zebras and peaking

a shoulder-rig for non-static shoots 

Source: Lukas Wittorf - mattebox and ND-Filter

Source: Lukas Wittorf - puller focus with whip 

Source: Lukas Wittorf - Preview-Monitor, Shoulder-Rig

[kendrixtermina]

Extra Typology Vol #3 - Part , A: 14. - The Self-Sacrificing Style (Basics)

A style with a humble, magnanimous and altruistic disposition, perhaps comparable to a 2w1/1w2 or a Jupiter type. 

The way they see it, their needs can wait until other’s are well-served, and knowing that they have given on themselves they can feel confortable and at peace, secure with their place in the scheme of things.

The Six Domains

Relationships

This is, without question, they key domain for this style: Individuals with the Self-Sacrificing style derive their meaning in life through giving to others and go out of their way to anticipate their desires - 

In that sense they may appear similar to the Devoted style (and they can coexist), but while Devoted individuals center their lives around their principal relationships that they depend upon, Self-Sacrifers help & give to anyone they come into contact with and take the ‘nurturing’ role themselves, prefering to shoulder their own burdens in life rather than turn to others for support - and no matter how much they already have on their plates, they find it hard to turn anyone away. They are kind, gentle do-gooders and helping others wherever they go is an inbuilt feature of their internal value system - to some extent, they tend to take the nurturing part in all their relationships, and they don’t seek rewards for their helpfulness. 

These people may well sacrifice their own needs in the act of service and take on a heavy workload, but they don’t experience their actions as self-renunciation: To do a good turn for another person makes them feel right in the world, and that’s what counts. Anyone with a prominent streak of this style will find meaning in laboring to make others’ lives better, and they might become philanthropists or missionaries, give to charity, take in sick or disabled foster children and dedicated stay-at-home parents - they are drawn to creatures in need whose suffering they will do anything to alleviate - They labor long and hard, happy to lose sight of themselves in their helpfulness to a cause or person, often to the point of going far beyond what society or their loved ones would ever ask of them - and after a hard day’s work, they will fall into bed with a calm, contended inner equilibrium, certain that their rest is earned.

Self-Sacrificing people are active, vigorous, energetic, highly motivated, even dilligent - but without any more ‘me’ focussed styles in their makeup, their efforts will always be for someone else, indeed, they routinely deflect attentions away from themselves - It’s not just that they are modest, but that they do not enjoy taking full credit for what they do - They don’t enjoy the attention and it does not feel right for them. 

Some may be so wellpracticed in dodging the attention that the important people in their lives may stop noticing their extraordinary efforts and take them for granted, or even to take advanate of their good natures - And what does the Self-Sacrificer feel, fater insisting again and again that they don’t want to be thanked, credited or noticed and finally being taken at their word? Well, pain. 

They may not want to be lionized for their efforts, but like most people, Self-Sacrificers need to be loved and appreciated. They love to giveand they hate appearing prideful or pushy, but they’re human, and to have their contributions ignored and get treated as a non-person can cause an unrecognized Self-Sacrificer much pain, confusion and dissapointment - after all if the others don’t even care, what have they even been laboring for? 

Work

Work is a comfortable domain for this personality style - for through their work they perform the service of others. In a way, they resemble Conscientious types in their competence, loyalty and dedication to their work... and their reluctance to relax and enjoy themselves. They also share their respect for those in authority. 

Give a Self-Sacrificing individual a task, and if need be, they’ll work all nights and on weekends to complete it. They can handle drudgery and routine and can adapt to many work situations and jobs, and they don’t complain when something falls outside their job description - if it’s important to their children, spouse the cause or their employer, they’ll get it done. 

This altruistic patterns operates on all levels of work, from service to manking to work for hire - Many extremly talented Self-Sacrificers are content to spend their entire lives as ghostwriters or secretaries - lucky for their employers. Regadless of what careers they chose, they tend to make steady, liable undemanding workers - 

Some individuals with mixed patterns may be less satisfied and would like to advance their careers, but may not realize how their reluctance to take credit for anything has been hampering their efforts. 

On the other hand as the style grows more pronounced, pure and/or extreme, you get a person who hates to ask for favors and may have difficulty taking advantage of opportunities for their own advancement and feel compelled to stand back for their colleagues instead of competing - indeed they may react to the realization that they actually want a promotion deep inside by “atoning” for their “greed” by leaving the post to their co-workers. 

Self

The extent to which hey seek their identities through acts of service may serve as a litmus test for a given Self-Sacrificer’s self worth - Would they still feel good about themselves if they were stranded alone on a desert island? Can they feel at peace with themselves if they’re not trying to do something for someone else?

Some Self-Sacrificers may feel unworthy and undeserving of love, attention and pleasure - therefore, they are always running themselves ragged trying to justify and earn it. Others may have a pretty good sense of who they are and what they want underneath it all  - but they may feel that they shoul not indulge their “selfish” desires but instead tend to the needs of others. 

They may work exceedingly hard, but unless they have ab ambitious style in their personality pattern (the Self-Confident for example), they will not be powerfully career-minded, and neither will they be as demonstrably sucessful as one might imagine considering the amount and quality of their work - This personality style is not marked by outward ambition and the value of the work itself, or the person for whom they work, is far more important to Self-Sacrificing types than their own personal gain - they may work tirelessly towards the candidate’s victory, the patient’s recovery or housing for the homeless, but won’t be inclined to stop and think, “Hey, what’s in this for me?” What counts more is the satisfaction of the principal others involved with the work. 

Emotions

Self-Sacrificing types are natural pleasure-givers but not so much pleasure-takers: But they can be far more capable of the full range of satisfying emotions and appetites than they may seem. Emotionally, they can feel quite positive and full, especially when they’ve previously done something for someone.

Nonetheless, Self-Sacrificing individuals can be prone to sadness and depression for many reasons - they may be weighed down by a sense of neverending, unfulfillable obligations to others and the inner guilt that might result from those, and they may not know how to express their anger at the people they care for or even how to aknowledge that they have such feelings - others, in turn, may simply not be able to “lighten up” and cut loose. 

For these and other reasons, Self-Sacrificing people often come across as long-suffering - but also, always, as emotionally strong and capable of shouldering whatever burdens come their way in life. 

How they express their personal suffering will depend on the other styles in their personality patterns - For example, a predominantly Self-Sacrificing person with a Dramatic or Mercurial streak may loudly fuss and complain about the number of ungrateful people in their life. With Conscientious or Solitary influences, they may keep their resentment private, leading to a chronically stiff upper lip and with  considerable Serious influence, they will be cynical, pessimistic, critical and resigned to what they see as the inevitable dissapointments of life. 

Self-Control

As for their overt pleasure, the key is privacy: In the presence of others they immediately feel compelled to give up their comfort in order to provide for others, to cook while others sit etc.  - In bed, they may attend to their partner’s needs rather than their own. It’s the way they are and they’re good at, but since they are other-directed people pleasers they might not find it easy to relax their strict self-control in order to cut loose and have a good time - In extreme cases, some strongly Self- Sacrificing individuals may seem stiff, stern, uptight and no fun at all -  The more pronounced the Self-Sacrificing style, the more time they will spend worrying over what they need to do for others might have overlooked to give them.

If no one else is around, though, these same individuals may find that relaxation and self-indulgence come quite easy and that they’re quite capable of relaxing in the comfortable chair, binging on ice cream or watching a racy movie. They’ll indulge their own pleasures only when no one is looking, as if they have something to feel guilty about - So why they may not want overt rewards nor mind giving, one would do well to remember that they do enjoy and need their me-time. 

Worldview

Self-Sacrificing individuals see the world as a hard, tough place; To them, reality is a painful thing, and their mission in it is to make things better for other people. 

Even people with more mixed/balanced personality patterns may end up far more exposed to the pain, misery  and misfortunes of human existence though their altruistic efforts to help the needy, so this can be a self-reinforcing thing - they more they seek out the things in the world that need fixing, they more they’re confronted with how much still needs to be done.

They will not see life as pleasant, just or easy. 

Life Choices

Leadership

Generally speaking, Self-Sacrificers avoid becoming managers - they like to work for or on behalf of others rather than be responsible for overseeing other people’s work and behavior. 

They may, however, end up in middle-management positions by virtue of their good workloyalty and devotions to their organizations and/or bosses - in those cases, they may have trouble delegating work or insisting that it be done on time and end up seriously overworked, or they may be overly solicitous of other people’s problems and go out of their way to help them, and then feel that these individuals are not grateful, and/or angry when they continue to underperform. Other Self-Sacrificing managers may display a somewhat tyrannical side, expecting their subordinates to similarly sacrifice themselves completely to the job. 

Job Recomendations

Look for work in which you can take care of or satisfy the needs of others. Consider any of the helping, ministering, serving and facilitating professions, including medicine, psychology, nursng, social service, the clergy, charitable institutions, volunteer work, secretarial and administrative assistance work, daycare, homemaking, housework and being a librarian. 

Avoid careers that are big on public speaking or otherwise require you to be the “front person” or center of attention, and, unless you have Dramatic or Mercurial tendencies, the performing arts - if you do have some creative bent, consider writing, editing, songwriting, commercial design or advertising. 

Stress Sources

There are two principal sources of stress for Self-Sacrificing people - First, that they take on too much, willingly giving up their leisure time to care for others - As a result, they might find no time to kick back and put their feet up unless they dare to “steal” a moment of indulgence - And they find it difficult to accept help from anyone else. Thus, they may work themselves into poor health. 

The other key stress for this style is resentment, which occurs when they begin to feel that others do not understand, appreciate or love them despite all that they do. 

But Self-Sacrificing types are strong - They can take up other people’s burdens as well as their own. “Such is life, wether I like it or not I can deal with it” say these stressed-out individuals - unless they are in a complete state of collapse, they’ll roll up their sleeves and restore their emotional equilibrium by helping someone out. 

Parenting

Sucessful parenting requires the ability to sacrifice for one’s children and to expect little for oneself in return - to a point. Individuals with a moderate self-Sacrificing style give of themselves naturally and happily, providing their children with a strong sense of security in life. 

In extreme cases, however, they may assume the role of Martyrs and lay a burden of guilt on their offspring, working themselves to the bone and suffering extreme dissapointment when the children appear ungrateful or when they grow up and go their own self-determined way. The very Self-Sacrificing parent who “went without so you could go to medical school” may not take kindly to the child’s decision to pursue a career in rock music - “But mom, I never wanted to be a doctor. I never asked you to give up new clothes or a new car for my sake”

As role models, Self-Sacrificing parents may have to remind themselves to set good examples of self-assertion for their children - that it’s okay to stand up for oneself and ask that one’s needs be met. They may also have to practice setting limits, expressing their anger directly and saying no at appropriate times.

Romantic Compatibility

Self-Sacrificers get so tuned into what others need and want that, like the Devoted and Mercurial types, they can become involved with almost anybody - similarily, they may not be sufficiently discriminating in chosing an appropriate mate: They run the risk of hooking up with people who might take advantage of their helpful, gentle, giving and submissive natures, and because Self-Sacrificers are so forgiving and tolerant, they might continue in hurtful reationships. 

If this is among your primary styles, you’ll obviously do best with those who enjoy being taken care of and lavished with attention - but it’s precisely the more dominant/assertive/ “Top” styles that may warrant a double-checking because you might be deceived and abused if you happen to come across a less than well adjusted specimen. 

Be especially cautious with predominantly Aggressive or Adventurous mates so you don’t run afoul of antisocial fuckbois or dictatorial drill-sergeants. 

Self-Confident folks also warrant caution, realism and self-awareness - They will be all too glad to take what you give, but they will not naturally be inclined to notice your needs and may turn out to be big dissapointments

Otherwise, you will probably be able to match up well with any other personality styles, depending on the other influences in your personality pattern. 

Specific Issues

A note to the Boss

Be sure to thank your Self-Sacrificing employees for all their untiring efforts on your behalf! Because Self-Sacrificing types step into the shadows and demand little for themselves, you may forget that these individuals are there - Now that you’ve noticed these dedicated sould, give them a raise - they might be reluctant to ask for what they deserve.

The One-Way Street

To varying degrees, all Self-Sacrificers share a discomfort with positive attention - they don’t feel right standing on a pedestal, and feel awkward (albeit flattered) when someone says “Let’s concentrate on making you happy for a change” - They are in their element when they are giving pleasure or assistance to others, but they aren’t comfortable with themselves - 

This discomfort may resemble guilt, as if deep down they don’t feel entitled to so much attention - someones even if they also have attention-needy styles like the Dramatic! In milder cases, they may simply believe that humility is important and that it would be “frivolous” to “wallow” in “selfish” attention. 

Self-Sacrificers would rather give than take, but when it comes to get their own needs met because they can’t get their own needs met, they cannot accept love easily - and if they can’t work this out, they may end up driving away partners who would give back to them in favor of those that might be inclined to take them for granted - or even those who would take advantage of them. Even partners who might be powerfully attracted by the Self-Sacrificer’s attentiveness may be turned off if their reciprocation isn’t well received. 

In extreme cases, they might be gifted lovers but become uncomfortable when their sexual partners try to touch them back and unable to find sexual satisfaction in reciprocation (and if you’re picturing a stepfordsey housewife here, consider that a preference for “topping only” is supposedly not uncommon in some circles of butch lesbians - there’s more than one way to be “supportive,providing” partner given that self-sacrificers do project an image of emotional strenght. A male of this type, assuming he’s hetero,  might brand this as “gentlemanly/chivalrous” behavior & the book gives many examples of dudes with this style, though society’s harmful messages about female pleasure certainly do not help)

Others in whom this trait is extreme, however, may indeed run from one all-take-no-give selfish asshole to the next without understanding what keepts them from finding a decent partner, or piss others off with unwanted let-me-do-this-for-yous and putting an unwelcome burden of obligation on them, or come off as ingratiating. 

Self-Sacrificers are wired to seek acceptance through giving and may have a hard time understanding that their spouse might want to cuddle them rather than have them work themselves to exhaustion, or to comprehend that those they love may prefer it if they gave a little less, or in different ways.