#in understand the shipping with these two now also. they're kissing. to me

[x-letsbreaksomerules-x]

yuri is so fucking real you guys

[ugh-yoongi]

a word from our sponsors | knj

you’ve co-hosted a podcast with namjoon for three years; have known him even longer. the two of you have always been the picture of platonic, but that hasn’t stopped the internet from doing what the internet does. the shipping? a little weird at first, but you can understand it: two attractive twenty-somethings always in close proximity to one another, obvious (platonic!) chemistry—people have created ships for less. the fanfiction, though? also pretty funny… until you can’t stop thinking about it. 🎙️

pairing: namjoon x f. reader genre: podcast, friends to lovers au; crack, smut, fluff rating: explicit. minors do not interact. warnings: parasocial relationships galore, a m*n with a p*dcast, author abuses italics, swearing, alcohol, reader uses a pseudonym/nickname (piper) because writing the meta fanfiction scene would've been too weird without one and i refuse to use y/n, dialogue-heavy but it is a fic about a podcast, everyone is down horrendous, mentions of social media & fake r*ddit posts, ex-boyfriend yoongi but in a good, healthy way. let me know if i missed anything but mostly this is just two goofballs not realizing they're in love with one another. smut warnings: kissing, oral sex (f. receiving), fingering, unprotected vaginal sex (fiction), protected vaginal sex (nonfiction), a lil squirting, mild degradation, mentions of a p*ss kink but there is no actual pee i promise (...lest?), i didn't intend to write size kink but it's namjoon so it just showed up anyway, slight dom!joon, everyone orgasms. wordcount: 17.5k credits: this was entirely inspired by that one episode of the basement yard where frankie reads the smut fic of him and joe, so credits to both that author and that podcast. spotify, for their podcast name generator. astro-seek for helping me drag namjoon astrologically. an extra special, gigantic thanks to @effortandmore for writing the meta fanfic (3k of it, no less!) and not batting an eye when i said it could have pee in it as a joke. this is as much yours as it is mine. finally, @hot-soop and @the-boy-meets-evil for reading this over for me and telling me i'm funny. author's note: happy birthday, indigo! here i am to validate every fear you've ever had that the people you write porn about may one day read it. live and on air. :)

You’ve co-hosted a podcast with Namjoon for three years.

You can learn a lot about a guy in that amount of time.

None of it is especially salacious. You know all about his family and his dog and the brand of recycled paper towels he insists on buying in bulk. You know what he’d written his grad school thesis on and what he’d looked like in the thick of it, when he was staving off his fifth mental break of the week. You know how fidgety he gets when it’s closing in on Friday night and he’s got a date—how much he stresses over which restaurant to pick, which cologne, which expensive cashmere sweater to wear.

You also know what the internet thinks about him. Intimately.

Kim Namjoon, according to the internet, is peak husband material. He has cheeks ripe for pinching and thighs small countries would go to war to defend. He has a lap that doubles as a seat and dimples people want to get baptized in. He has Instagram selfies with hundreds of thousands of likes and comment sections full of intelligible keysmashes, especially the ones he posts from the gym.

Kim Namjoon, according to the internet, is a man written by a woman.

Looking at him now, you aren’t sure that’s true, you think people just need to raise their standards. Namjoon is just… Namjoon. He’s intelligent and kind and up to date on modern feminist theory, is all. And, sure, maybe in the current political landscape that puts him far above the rest of men, but the way the internet has latched onto him is a little concerning.

“There’s another post about whether or not we’re dating,” you say, pushing your glasses up the bridge of your nose.

sooo let’s be real here, we ALL think they’re dating, right?? Posted by u/pod-shipper 2 hours ago

Just like he always does, Namjoon huffs out a soft laugh, makes his way around to your side of the table. Puts his large hands on your shoulders as he leans in close to read from your screen, snorting every time he reads a sentence he finds particularly amusing. Whichever cologne he’d chosen this morning is, admittedly, very nice.

It’s sooo obvious, especially in the episodes they film and post on YouTube. The way they look at each other?? I don’t even look at my HUSBAND like that! (+1264) ↳ omg ur sooooo right! i could MAYBE buy that they aren’t full on dating, but they’ve def at least slept together. Namjoon is so 🔥🔥🔥 (+791) ↳ um how can namjoon be dating her when he’s already married to me 😌💅 (+3) ↳ For the millionth time, can we not speculate on their personal lives? This is weird and reinforces really harmful ideas that men and women can’t just be friends. (-51)

“How come they never talk about how hot you are?”

You can tell by the look on Namjoon’s face that he hadn’t meant to say that—or, if he did, he didn’t mean to say it like that, with an entire pout, eyebrows raised nearly to his hairline. “Cursed to be ugly and dumb,” you joke to ease the sudden tension, reading the comment that simply says you’d have to be the dumbest person alive to not sleep with Namjoon.

He scrunches his nose at that. Returns to his side of the table. “Yeah, I don’t think so, lots of people haven’t slept with me.” Starts to unpack all the gear from his bag before he says, “Hey, all that stuff—does it bother you?”

“What do you mean?” you answer, the corner of a protein bar stuck in your mouth. Namjoon always insists on recording at the most inconvenient times.

“People thinking we’re together,” he clarifies.

You shrug. “I dunno. Not really. Comes with the territory, I think, not to mention how much you love to overshare—”

“Hello?”

“I’m just saying,” you retort, hands raised in self-defense. “There really was no need for you to mention you blew your grad school stipend on a porn scam.” Namjoon looks affronted, like he can’t believe you’d stoop so low as to bring that up. “Or that you lost your virginity at fifteen.”

“We have a relationship podcast,” he states simply. “That’s kind of what we do, right? Talk about relationships? And the spectrum of human sexuality is part of that.”

You slump back in your chair as you quirk an eyebrow. “No one said it wasn’t, I just said you overshare. Which you do.”

“And that’s why there’s a dozen Reddit posts a week discussing whether or not we’re dating? Because I overshare?”

“Yeah, exactly. That’s the kind of behavior that leads to parasocial relationships. People latch onto that shit. Makes them think they’re your friend.” He glares. “Don’t give me that look, you know I’m right. It’s bad enough you’ve word-vomited all this highly personal information about yourself, but to not even do it under a pseudonym? It’s like you’re begging for trouble.”

Another comment he doesn’t even realize he’s making: “I don’t beg. For anything.”

To this day, you’re not sure why Namjoon asked you to co-host a podcast with him.

His reasoning had been simple: “You’re my best friend and we don’t agree on anything.” Hard to argue with that. Namjoon has seemingly endless patience, even in the face of things he shouldn’t entertain, and you… do not, to put it simply.

You’re not a cold person. Your fuse isn’t short. You’re just a little jaded, is all. Have far less propensity for bullshit than Namjoon does, so the two of you play well off each other. You end a sentence with a well-punctuated full stop and Namjoon’s right behind you to sigh and say maybe you shouldn’t be so hasty, not everything in the world can be so black or white.

Except some things are. Somewhere along the way, the podcast—which Namjoon had affectionately named Place Him Gently in the Garbage, even though some people should be shoved in there with force—had picked up a following. A big one. And now, every week, you’re inundated with emails ranging in severity. Sometimes people just want to vent after their tenth bad date in a row or share funny stories, and Namjoon lets you take the lead on those, but sometimes it’s a little more serious. That’s where Namjoon shines, all that endless patience, and people love him for it.

“What’s on the agenda today?” he asks, accepting a thick stack of papers from Jungkook.

Ah, Jungkook.

You aren’t sure what he actually does. Some kind of social media manager, which is obvious from the wildly out-of-context clips he posts of you to TikTok, and it’s his responsibility to go through the thousands of emails you get from listeners, but aside from that all you’ve got are your suspicions that he just sticks around to swindle Namjoon out of more and more money.

“I’m in a silly goofy mood,” comes Jungkook’s reply, and you let out a witch cackle as Namjoon winces. Nothing good ever comes of Jungkook being in a silly goofy mood, and that’s quite alright by you.

Fifteen minutes later finds you with a camera in your face that you greet with an unamused, flat stare. Jungkook is used to it by now. Just films for a few seconds before turning his attention to an unaware Namjoon. Head down, pen and highlighter going a mile a minute as he pores over the stack of papers with all the doggedness and eagle-eyed stare of a literature professor.

That’s the thing about Namjoon—he takes this really seriously. So do you, but not in the ways Namjoon does. He’s all skill and determination and you’re color commentary. It works. It clearly works, so you aren’t too bent out of shape about it, but sometimes you worry. Namjoon takes this really seriously and sometimes you worry that he takes it too seriously, that he carries the burdens and worries of all these strangers, that he’s trying to solve and fix things that aren’t his responsibility to solve and fix.

So he takes it really seriously and you don’t take it as seriously as you maybe should, and everything is by design. Balanced.

Twenty minutes later finds you staring across the table at Namjoon, who asks, “Are you ready?” and does one last equipment check before he launches into, “Welcome back to another episode of Place Him Gently in the Garbage with Namjoon and Piper. What’s new with you, Pipe? Any fun news?”

Pipe. It drives you nuts. Feels like nails on a chalkboard. “I see you almost every single day,” you respond dryly. “But for the sake of entertainment, I’m thinking about getting a cat.”

“A cat?” Namjoon parrots, and his eyebrows disappear beneath his fringe because he knows what that means.

You’ve co-hosted a podcast with Namjoon for three years, but you’ve known him even longer.

Since your first year of college, which is also when you met Yoongi. Yoongi, your ex. Yoongi, the person you’d been with for six years and had planned a life around. Yoongi, now one of your closest friends, because the two of you still love one another but no longer in that way, which is fine. But also—Yoongi, allergic to cats.

So, yeah. Namjoon knows what that means, and he has the good sense not to mention it. Unlike him, you’re intensely private and keep your cards close to your chest. Your listeners don’t even know your real name, let alone that you’d gone through a breakup a year ago.

“What kind of cat?” he continues, like his entire world hasn’t just been turned upside-down.

You shrug. “Eh, I don’t know. Probably one that’s been in the shelter a long time, I guess. I’m not too fussy, you know?”

“Right, a cat is a cat,” Namjoon says, thinking he’s done something. You and Jungkook gasp at the same time. “What? Why are you giving me that look?”

“Because that’s a fucked up thing to say! A cat is not just a cat. They have little personalities, just like people. You’ve got—”

“But you just said you’re not fussy,” he interjects. “And I know they have personalities and that you have to find one that suits your lifestyle! Like, you can’t have one of those really cool cats that likes to go kayaking and shit, it’d never work—”

“What does that mean? Why couldn’t I have a cool cat?”

“Hey, all you cool cats and kittens,” Namjoon mocks, and you can tell he thinks he’s done something again, but his impression falls flatter than flat. An awkward silence fills the studio. He coughs. “Anyway. Do you have pictures?”

“Yeah. I also have a list of candidates ranked by how cool their names are. Number five, Casserole.”

“That’s cute.”

“Mhm,” you agree, “but Casserole is a kitten, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of responsibility.”

“They do say you should adopt kittens in pairs.”

“And that’s how they get you. You want one kitten and they talk you into two, and before you know it you’ve got, like, twelve cats. Number four, Party Girl.”

“Sick name.”

“Number three, Toddler.”

“Toddler?”

“Number two, Flat.”

“Just Flat? Understandable.”

“And, finally, number one: Human Torch.”

“Yoooo.” Namjoon laughs. “You have to adopt Human Torch. Let me see.” You pull up a picture on your phone and hand it over. “Okay, for our listeners—Human Torch is a young, male Domestic Short Hair. He has stripes. I don’t know what that’s called.”

“Tabby,” Jungkook chimes in.

“Jungkook says he’s a tabby. He’s cute. Adopt him.”

You return your phone to your pocket. “Maybe. I still think I want an older cat, but I’ll consider it. What about you, though? Any new dating horror stories to share?”

Ah, the dating horror stories. Your most dedicated shippers are convinced they’re fake, that Namjoon just makes them up on the spot to keep them off your trail. If only. Not in the if only they were fake and Namjoon and I were actually dating kind of way, but the holy shit one of my closest friends is a fucking disaster and it’s a little embarrassing kind of way.

“Not really,” he answers. “I’ve got a date this Friday, though. Trying to decide if dinner and a movie is too boring.”

“It’s a classic for a reason. What are you gonna see, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3?”

“Three?” Namjoon emphasizes, truly sounding scandalized. “Since when are there three? I haven’t even seen one or two.”

“Okay, first of all, the original is a classic and it’s a crime you haven’t seen it.”

“And second of all?”

“There is no second of all. Repeat point one.”

He snorts. “I’m not gonna see that, anyway. Maybe the re-release of Howl’s Moving Castle.”

“Subbed or dubbed, though?”

“Are you trying to get me canceled?”

“Absolutely.”

“I like both,” he chickens out. “Now, let’s stop wasting time and get to the point of the show.”

“Talking about cats is a waste of time?”

“I—no, we’ve just got a lot on the agenda today.”

“Like what?”

“Well, there’s lots to talk about on the celebrity front—”

Namjoon loves this part. As esteemed and educated as he is, not even he is immune to good old celebrity gossip. (Inside him there are two wolves.) Lives for it. Texts you about it at all hours of the night. Sends you links to Reddit threads with hundreds of comments. Has more opinions on Celebrity Big Brother than he does on Ludwig Wittgenstein, sometimes, and when that’s the case you know you’re in for a long evening. You’ve never even seen an episode of Celebrity Big Brother.

But Namjoon loves it, so you’ve become fond of it by association. Reminds you a bit of Yoongi and his love for sports and sports anime.

“—one should we start with?”

“Whatever you want,” you answer, because you haven’t been paying a lick of attention and you aren’t sure it matters anyway. Namjoon can talk to a wall on a good day, but he’s an entirely different beast once mundane, innocuous celeb gossip gets involved.

And even though you hadn’t been paying attention, it seems like this was the right thing to say, because Namjoon smiles so wide his dimples crater his face. “Cool. Let’s start with Taryn Manning. Did you see that bizarre—”

“Who?”

“What?”

“Who is Taryn Manning?”

Namjoon looks a little dumbstruck. Even Jungkook’s arching an eyebrow at you. “Are you serious? She was in Orange is the New Black and Crossroads.”

“The Britney Spears movie?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Weird, okay. Continue.”

Your co-host shoots you a very pointed look. “I will, thanks. Anyway, she posted a video on social media talking about this affair she had with a married man. Like, she pulled over on the side of the road to record this. Said she can’t stand the man’s wife because she called her a quote-unquote lunatic.”

“I—huh, thought we weren’t supposed to say that anymore. Alright.”

“But wait, it gets even more bizarre. Listen to this quote—and this is direct. This is a direct quote from the video, I can’t stop thinking about it: ‘Don’t you ever threaten me when your husband came to me to get his butthole licked.’ Can you—”

“What? Namjoon, what in the fuck—”

“It’s crazy, right? She was gonna buy this guy a boat.”

“Namjoon, this is a family show, you can’t just talk about ass-eating unprompted.”

“No it’s not.”

“Well, you still shouldn’t talk about ass-eating unprompted. It’s unbecoming.”

“You’re unbecoming,” Namjoon fires back, because he can’t help it. The words are out of his mouth before he can think. “Sorry, that was out of line.”

You sigh. Know whatever look Jungkook is catching on his camera right now is exasperated and pointed, the corners of your mouth probably tugged up just a hint. “Unbecoming, like I said.” Namjoon scoffs. “Anyway, so this actress was gonna buy this married guy a boat and was eating his ass?”

“Yeah. Apparently it was her friend’s husband? They all went to a Taylor Swift concert together.”

“Jesus, this keeps getting worse. Big year for Hollywood cheaters.”

“It is, right? Cheaters and divorces. Something in the water, I guess.”

“I saw the astrology girlies saying a bunch of planets are in retrograde, so—”

“Can you explain that to me? Like, what does it mean for a planet to be in retrograde? Why is it causing divorces?”

“I don’t know, I’m not an astrology girlie. That’s why I said the astrology girlies. What are your big three, though?”

“What’s that?”

“Your sun, moon, and rising signs.”

“How do I find that out?”

“Ugh,” you intone, “don’t worry about it, I’ll do it myself. What time were you born?”

Namjoon rattles off a time.

You grab your laptop. Pull up the page, type in Namjoon’s date of birth and birthplace, and wait. Then you’re staring at a circle with a bunch of lines in it that also don’t make a lick of sense to you. You roll your lips to keep from laughing and school your voice into something deadly serious. “Bad news: it says you’re a virgin.”

“Virgo,” Namjoon corrects, not taking the bait. “I already knew that.”

You scroll a little further down the page. “Your moon is in Sagittarius. Oh god, listen to this, they’ve got you pegged: ‘The greatest need is to always search for something. In order to feel safe you need a philosophy or belief’—”

“Haaa, that’s not—”

“—’You need to have a goal or mission that gives your life meaning. Your faith must be voluntary and it is a paradox that fighting against dogmas may lead you to other dogmas.’ Yeah, that’s you.”

“That could apply to anyone,” he argues. “There are seven-billion people on this planet; I’d imagine a sizable amount of them would say that also describes them.”

“Hm, sounds like your faith in astrology is not yet voluntary. Did you know you’re a Scorpio rising?”

“No. I’m sure you’re gonna tell me all about it, though.”

You smile. “Correct. ‘People with Scorpio on the Ascendant need to fight against dark and destructive power in their life.’ Is that true?”

“Yeah, you’re the dark and destructive power. You keep sidetracking me and we need to get to the point of the podcast.” He grabs the stack of papers Jungkook had given him. Looks more highlighter than paper, if you’re being honest. “I guess Jungkook thought we needed a lighthearted kind of day.”

“That was nice of him, considering what he gave us last week. I guess we’re allowed to have faith in humanity today.”

To your left, Jungkook scoffs.

“Alright,” Namjoon starts, putting on his Very Serious Podcast Guy voice, “first up we’ve got a question from one of our listeners in Canada. It says, ‘Hi, Piper and Namjoon. I recently agreed to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend. She said he was a bit old-fashioned but really talked him up so I thought I was in good hands—and then he showed up to get me in a ‘67 GTO and exclusively referred to me as doll. He didn’t use my name once. I’m torn, because he was really nice and I had a good time otherwise, but this is weird, right? Should I see him agai—’”

“No,” you interject.

“Can I finish?”

“You don’t have to. This guy sounds greasy.”

Namjoon pinches the bridge of his nose. “And why is that?”

“Ignoring the fact that this guy has arguably one of the lamest classic cars around, he didn’t use their name once? Not once, in all the time they spent together? That’s really disrespectful.”

“Some people are just pet name people,” Namjoon argues.

“With absolute strangers, though? It’s really giving the impression that he didn’t even know it, not to mention some people are uncomfortable with pet names. The whole shtick is super lame.”

“I agree it sounds a bit misguided, but—”

Ignoring Namjoon, you say, “Sorry you had to go on a date with the ghost of less-cool James Dean. Into the garbage he goes.”

And, just like he’s done a million times before, Namjoon rolls his eyes and says, “If you really like this guy and want to see him again, a bit of communication will go a long way. Tell him the pet name made you uncomfortable—if it did—and offer to pick him up for the next date. I don’t think he’s completely destined for the garbage, yet.”

“You’re just saying that because you don’t have a license. You probably think a 1967 Pontiac GTO is the pinnacle of romance. That’s probably like picking someone up on a Specialized Aethos to you, eh?”

“That’s a fifteen-thousand dollar bike, I’ll have you know.”

You groan. “Oh my god.”

Ep: #183 - Namjoon is a Virgin

I think Namjoon had the right idea on this one. Sure, the car can be considered lame, but I think a lot of men are deeply insecure and therefore overcompensate when it comes to dating. Women are hard to impress when they have unlimited options. You have to stand out, so I’m glad he advocated for him. Piper can come off like such a misandrist sometimes. (-649) ↳ just shut up bro namjoon would fuckin hate u (+204) ↳ Imagine caring about something like this when they’re getting a cat together 🙄 (+19)

You think about the cat thing for nearly a week.

Adopting a cat is certainly not the worst idea you’ve ever had, and truth be told it’s been a little lonely, living by yourself. No more Yoongi in your space; no more Holly. So, having a new little friend around might do you some good.

It’s just—

It’s a big commitment, and there’s also the dog sitting-shaped elephant in the room. Ending things on good terms means you’re still Yoongi’s second-choice sitter whenever he has to go out of town, and while you love Holly dearly (the two of you had adopted him together, after all), he’s a lot like his father in a lot of ways.

Should I get a cat, you type out, and it’s only been in Yoongi’s inbox a few seconds before the most unflattering picture you’ve ever taken of him is flashing across your screen.

“Are you dying?” you ask, because Yoongi doesn’t call you for much else.

And you already know what his response is going to be. “We’re all dying.”

“Lighten up, Yoongi. One might say being so existentially nihilistic before noon causes wrinkles.”

There’s a split-second pause. “It’s nine p.m.”

“Sure, but it’s before tomorrow’s noon, so it still counts.”

“Whatever. Listen, before you adopt that cat, I need a favor.”

“You going out of town again?”

“Yeah. Shouldn’t be long, though. A week at the most, five days if I’m lucky.”

“That’s fine, bring him over whenever. Yijeong’s busy?”

This pause is far, far longer. “No,” comes Yoongi’s eventual response, but it’s slow. Unsure. A two-letter word has never taken so long to say in the history of ever. “He’s, uh. Coming with me?”

Oh, you think. This is where your ex awkwardly and hesitantly breaks the news of his new relationship. You’ve known this day was coming, and this is what you get for staying friends with him. “This is a fanfiction plot,” you accuse. “Hot, mysterious man moves into a gaudy apartment complex after ending a long-term relationship and meets his equally-hot and mysterious neighbor and they fall in love.”

“I—that’s not—my apartment is not gaudy.”

“Yes it is. There’s a giant gold bust of a weird bird in the lobby.”

“Weird bird?” he parrots. “It’s a swan.”

“I see you’re not denying the in-love-with-your-neighbor accusations.”

“Am I on trial?” Yoongi retorts, and it’s such a Yoongi thing to say when what he means is, is this okay? He means, are we able to talk about this without it being weird? He means, I won’t ever say as much out loud, but your acceptance means a lot to me, and I’d like for you to give me this.

So you lower your voice and soften the edges because it’s not really something to joke about, and you say, “No, of course you’re not on trial,” and Yoongi knows what you mean. “And if you were, you'd get locked up for fifty years. You can’t lie for shit.”

There’s a beat of silence before he clears his throat, mutters a thanks that is so quiet you almost don’t catch it. “Send me pictures of the cats.”

Later on, once you’re freshly-showered and tucked into bed with a candle and a book (Eloge de l’amour by Alain Badiou at Namjoon’s insistence and request), your phone buzzes with a text from Yoongi—

Yoongi: toddler is a fucking hilarious name for a cat but so is flat Yoongi: it’s a tie for me You: Okay well pick one 🙄 Yoongi: yijeong says get both You: Both???? Is he paying my vet bills? Yoongi: kinda out of line to proposition him for money. flat is also good with dogs, js You: If he’s now being raised by you two, my perfect, well-behaved son is probably long gone. Does he even count as a dog anymore? Yoongi: me and yijeong both say fuck off Yoongi: holly too. he says he doesn’t miss you anymore and he’s not coming over now Yoongi has added Yijeong to the group Yoongi has changed the group name to #ThirdWheelChat Yijeong: Please don’t drag me into this. Also I did not say “fuck off” You have changed the group name to People Who Have Seen Yoongi Naked Yoongi: fuck you

You should’ve known something was going on with Jungkook, because it’d started like this:

(When you and Namjoon started the podcast three years ago, it was in the living room of his apartment.

Surrounded by books and plants. He loved to record in the afternoons back then—Namjoon loved to say it was because of his grad school schedule, but you’ve always suspected he just wanted to preen in the golden hour light, much like he’s doing now.

“Is this really necessary?” Jungkook whines from his spot on the couch. He’s already swindled Namjoon out of two bags of microwavable popcorn and three cans of sparkling water. “It’s a Saturday afternoon; I could be doing something so much more fun than this.”

Namjoon scoffs. “Are you saying this isn’t fun?”

“Yeah. It sucks, actually. This could’ve been an email.”

And because Namjoon is accomplished, mature, and absolutely incapable of not taking Jungkook’s bait, the space between his brows creases as he sends a murderous glare Jungkook’s way. “Stop eating my food, then. And drinking my drinks. And lounging on my couch like that—”

“I’m not lounging,” Jungkook argues.

“You’re manspreading all over the leather!”

“This is how I sit!”

“Well, knock it off! My couch is only for fun and people who think I’m fun!”

Jungkook rolls his eyes. “So you fuck on it?”

“What?”

“What other fun things could you possibly do on a couch?”

Namjoon blinks. “Watch… watch a movie?”

Jungkook groans, throws himself backwards against the pillows as if he’s suffering a Victorian ailment. “Jesus. No wonder you can’t score a second date.”

“Okay, that was a little uncalled for. There are a ton of reasons a person might not want a second date, and no one is obligated to go out with me—”

“Uh-huh. Anyway—”

You clear your throat. Try to hide your own can of seltzer you’d taken from Namjoon’s fridge in the midst of his and Jungkook’s bickering. “Not trying to be rude, but I have an appointment at the shelter at three. If, y’know. You wouldn’t mind speeding this up a little.”

“Oh! Yeah, of course—”

“Oh, so you’ll speed this up for her but not—”

Namjoon pinches the bridge of his nose. “She,” he begins, jerking his thumb in your direction, “isn’t needlessly complaining and actually has someplace to be.”)

It was just a quick little rendezvous in Namjoon’s living room to come up with a rough draft for the following month’s episodes. He couldn’t do it over text because he’d fallen down the steps at his office and landed on his ass on the corner of a step and his phone had been in his back pocket. Cracked clean in half. And he couldn’t do it over email because he—rightfully—knew Jungkook would ignore them because he has his inbox set up to send all of Namjoon’s personal emails to the trash.

But Jungkook holds onto things like that. Grudges. Loves to let Namjoon think bygones are bygones and pop up a few days later with some evil scheme. Hence:

“What is this?”

Jungkook smirks. Rocks back on his heels. “It’s fanfiction.”

“I can see that, but… why?”

This is where Jungkook shines: the ominous, cheshire cat grin; the aw, shucks demeanor that gaslights Namjoon into thinking Jungkook couldn’t possibly be fucking with him. “Well, you were having trouble coming up with ideas for episodes, and there’s an email in there from someone whose partner reads really expli—”

“Jungkook, this is fanfiction about me.”

You can’t help the laugh that escapes you. Of all the weird shit you’ve seen on the internet (and there’s been a lot), fanfiction of people you know—your friends—was something you’d managed to escape. Probably by virtue of not knowing anyone famous enough to warrant fanfiction being written about them.

But you should’ve known. You really, really should’ve known.

“Oh my god?”

You’re not sure who says it. Could be you or Namjoon, but the sentiment is the same. He mouths a what the fuck at you that’s met with a shrug. You’re in uncharted territory now, too. “Where did you even find this?” you ask, taking the stack of papers from Namjoon. “And why did you print it out?”

“Because I’m going to track down whoever wrote it and get them to autograph it. Then I’m going to buy a nice frame and hang it on the wall behind him, so we never forget this historical moment in Place Him Gently in the Garbage lore.”

“It’s a podcast,” Namjoon deadpans, “how can it have lore? And how much lore can there possibly be?”

“It’s the internet,” you concede. “The lore possibilities are endless. Don’t tempt them.”

Jungkook nods sagely, well-versed in the degeneracy of the internet. “Yeah, that’s how you end up with shit like 4chan.”

“4chan? There’s Space Jam porn on there.”

As the youngest, all Jungkook can do is roll his eyes. “Sometimes explaining this shit to you feels like trying to teach old people how to rotate PDFs—”

Namjoon scoffs. “I’m not that bad. I know how to rotate a PDF.”

Wow, Jungkook mouths. “Anyway, back to the fanfiction—”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Namjoon interjects. He looks at you. “It’s weird, right? Like, it’s weird that people have written this about us?”

About us.

Your scope of the world narrows to the size of a pinhead. It’d just been about Namjoon before. This is fanfiction about me, he’d said, and you hadn’t been included in that. Now it’s written about us and you’re included.

“I—what?”

“It’s about us,” Namjoon repeats.

Jungkook rolls his lips. “It’s about the two of you fucking, to be specific.”

“Can you not—”

“Fucking a lot,” Jungkook continues. “So much fucking.”

Namjoon looks at you, and it’s all you can do to keep from laughing. The look on his face is pure bewilderment, both that Jungkook has cooked up this idea and is hell-bent on executing it and that he remains employed. And maybe it’s a little bit of nerves, too, because neither of you are ignorant of the risks. Reading fanfiction about yourselves—about the two of you as a couple, specifically, or at least two people who have sex—is weird. Not something you can unread.

And maybe it’s because you’re so determined to not make it weird that you send Namjoon a cheeky, exaggerated wink, shrug your shoulders, and say, “I’ll need a couple drinks, but I’m down.”

Jungkook throws his head back and cackles wildly, and that look of bewilderment on Namjoon’s face morphs into something else. Trepidation, maybe; definitely disbelief, because sometimes he lets himself get swept away in Jungkook’s schemes, but it’s rare that you follow suit.

As Jungkook continues to laugh, you wonder if you should’ve said no.

Namjoon has two stipulations: the two of you have to film the episode completely alone, and he, too, needs to be a little drunk.

The latter? Piece of cake, considering Namjoon has become some sort of whiskey aficionado in recent years. His drinking is streamlined and to the point—he knows exactly how much and what to drink to get him where he wants to be. You can’t say he isn’t efficient.

The former, though? Borderline impossible. From the second Namjoon states his terms, Jungkook is having none of it. Argues that he’s the one who found the story and the one who cleared it with the author, so he deserves to witness the fruits of his labor.

“No,” Namjoon repeats for the nth time, “no way. I’ll barely be able to do this with just her, let alone both of you.”

And that—that doesn’t bother you, right? You force a laugh, because why would it bother you?

There are few secrets between you and Namjoon, except your respective sex lives have been staunchly off-limits. Namjoon could be a virgin for all you know, and as you study him—the way he keeps bobbing his leg, the slight shake in his hands—you wonder if that’s the reason he’s being so weird about this.

It’s just a story.

Fiction.

Most people don’t have to worry about someone writing stories about them fucking their friends. If they do, you reckon even less actually read them. So, sure, it’s a little strange, but people from all over the world send in stranger stuff all the time, don’t they? It’s literally the reason you’re in this predicament.

Eventually Jungkook agrees. His whining has gotten him nowhere, so he just throws up his hands. Posts a cryptic little “u guys won’t believe what the next patreon ep is lmao” that sends the internet into a frenzy. Doubles your Patreon numbers almost immediately, and both you and Namjoon do a good job of pretending the pressure isn’t overwhelming.

Jesus. You have to read explicit fanfiction about yourselves. On camera.

Namjoon gets caught up with work and isn’t available until the weekend, so you’re forced to sit with the nerves for a few days. Not too bad at first, but you’re nearly coming out of your skin by Thursday with the need to know. You’re well-versed in the world of fanfiction, but this is fanfiction about you: your name, your likeness, maybe even your personality.

What will they know of Namjoon, though?

Will they get it right, the way he looks with his jaw clenched? How impossibly deep his voice can go, both when it’s raspy with sleep and when he’s fully at ease? Will the Namjoon in the story be closer to the Namjoon you know, or the version of himself he presents to the public?

And you’ve known him a long time—long enough that there are few secrets between you, but you don’t know the most intimate parts. All the parts the internet loves to speculate on. All the little gaps that, apparently, need to be filled in by fanfiction.

Will they know what Namjoon looks like when he gets off?

No, you scold yourself, jerking awkwardly like you’ve been burned, and neither will you.

Because you are not going to think about this. Your thoughts are not going to go there. Namjoon is your friend, and you’ve listened to him scold an endless amount of men on the podcast for exactly this behavior. Sexualizing their friends. You’re not going to do it, too.

Maybe that’s why you’re kind of seeing double when it comes time to record. Namjoon needed an extra shot and offered you one as well. You’d necked it without a second thought and now you’re here, trying to ignore the slight tilt of the room as Namjoon adjusts the camera.

“How’s the shot look?” he asks, gesturing vaguely behind him at his laptop screen because Jungkook had refused to lend you his fancy cameras if he wasn’t allowed to be involved.

It’s a completely normal question.

It’s a question you’ve asked and answered a million times.

Except—there’s something horribly distracting about Namjoon in this moment. The outline of his back muscles through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. The way the sleeves are tight around his biceps. He’s always been a gym rat, always carries around a protein shake that smells and looks completely foul, but you can’t remember it ever being this obvious.

And you take too long to answer, because Namjoon straightens up just enough to send you a concerned look. Which does not help. You are not imagining what else might cause his brows to pinch like that, what might have his lips parting, have sweat dotting his hairline.

You swallow. Hard.

“Looks fine,” you manage to say. He’s still staring. Are you on fire? You feel like you’re on fire, which would make sense. Would explain Namjoon’s sweating and concerned stare and the fact that he cannot stop staring at you. “Maybe a tiny bit to the right if we’re being picky,” you tack on, hoping it’ll break whatever spell the two of you are ensnared in.

It works. “To the—the right, yeah, makes sense,” he rambles.

He moves it an inch to the left.

—

Things are tense, to say the least.

Recording hasn’t been this awkward since your first episode, or maybe ever. You’re sat across from one another like you always are, and usually Namjoon would be making quip after quip by now, talking endlessly until Jungkook shushed him long enough to get the intro filmed. Now, there’s just silence.

“Should we…?” Namjoon startles. Bangs his knee on the underside of the table and drops a string of curses. “Sorry, are you—”

“I’m fine,” he says, cutting you off. He gestures vaguely toward the camera. “I’ll just… yeah.”

Showtime.

You wipe your hands on your jeans, unsure of when they got so damp. Unsure of when you’d grown so nervous, too, because you’d been fine an hour ago. Had strolled in with two cups of tea and a little too much confidence, giddy at what you were about to do.

Maybe the nerves had shown up alongside the alcohol. This sounds reasonable, and you do not, under any circumstance or for any reason, think about Namjoon’s back. Or his biceps.

Namjoon makes it through the intro, dimples deep and wide as he smiles, and you also don’t think about the way his voice cracks and gets a little breathy when he introduces you. It’s only because he’d been drinking, and the flush on his cheeks attests to that. The same flush that creeps down his neck, still a little sweaty; disappears beneath the hemline of his shirt.

“—Jungkook had. Right, Piper?”

Now it’s your turn to startle, and there’s not much you can do to hide the obvious except ask Namjoon to redo the shot. Because it’s bad enough the internet already overanalyzes every move you make, every word choice, every instance you’ve stared at Namjoon a second longer than they thought you would—this is a blatant display of… affectedness.

“Sorry,” you say, “I wasn't paying attention. Can we redo it?”

You’re expecting a playful scolding. A ha ha, get it together, because that’s what you usually get. But there’s nothing aside from Namjoon studying you and nodding. Asking if you’re okay. Saying, “Is this—this is weird, right? Is it too weird? Maybe we shouldn’t—”

An out. Namjoon is giving you an out, and you should take it, you know you should take it, so there’s absolutely no reason at all you shake your head and say, “No, no, it’s fine! I think I’m just a little, uh. Drunk?”

“Are you sure? We can—”

“It’s fine, Joon,” you insist. “Besides, it’ll be good content, right?”

“Good content,” he parrots. “Yeah, for sure.” He fidgets in his seat, runs his hands down the span of his thighs. Very, very thick thighs. “I’ll grab us some water.”

You faceplant onto the table as soon as he’s out of the room. When did his thighs get so thick?

But the water helps. Cures whatever strange, insatiable thirst has come over you, because you feel much more human after a few glasses. Less drunk, too, which makes sense. Yoongi could barely escape your drunken, horny wrath when the two of you were together, so you chalk it up to a Pavlovian response.

Namjoon does the intro again. Introduces you strong and steady, not a hint of nerves, and explains, with a fresh blush taking over his upper body, what the episode’s going to be about. “Someone wrote fanfiction about us,” he says, scratching at the back of his neck. “It’s, uh, pretty explicit. Jungkook thought it’d be funny if we read it.”

You snort. “He might get fired, depending on how this goes.”

“He should get fired regardless,” Namjoon deadpans. “Anyway, we have permission from the author to read this so don’t come after us, and, as always, we’ll put all the credits in the video description.”

“Special shoutout to Jungkook, though, who was not allowed to be here with us for this momentous occasion.”

Namjoon laughs. “I’m sure he’s having plenty of fun at home.” You both pause. “That’s not—I’m not implying anything with that! I just meant—you know, like. He’s hanging out and enjoying his day off.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Moving on. I have two copies of this. Do you want your own?”

You grin, wicked and wide. “Nah, just read it to me.”

“Making me do all the work,” he huffs. “Typical.”

“There’s a stack of papers in front of you that might say otherwise.”

It’s clear you catch him off-guard. He cocks an eyebrow, opens and shuts his mouth a few times like a goldfish. An obvious question sits on the tip of his tongue: You think you’d be in charge? Instead he coughs, jerks his head to the side, and says, “I guess we’ll see.”

It sounds like a challenge.

Thirty seconds is all you get before Namjoon’s shuffling his stack of papers and clearing his throat. Asking if you’re ready and jumping right into it once you say you are. Reads the first few lines like they’re some old lecture notes, and they’re conservative and safe-for-work enough that you start to relax.

And then Namjoon reads, “A louder one wonders if Namjoon is a pet name person—if he’d call her ‘honey,’ or ‘gummy bear,’ ‘babe,’ or ‘baby,’” and you choke.

“Gummy bear?”

Namjoon laughs along with you—the weird one that almost sounds like a dog panting. “You want me to call you gummy bear?”

“I want you to call me a Lyft,” you snark. “I’m leaving.”

He continues:

And that’s how it starts, wandering thoughts, wandering fingers—the first time Piper comes to the thought of Namjoon calling her baby, pushing inside her, showing her that he definitely doesn’t beg, but she does… Well, she’s a little ashamed. She’s apparently got a reputation to maintain, anyway, not to mention a friendship.

His eyes leave the paper and lock onto you. “Or maybe you’d prefer baby?”

“Fuck off.”

Weeks after that first time, it’s become a habit, thinking about Namjoon as something more than a friend. It’s confusing and a little mortifying and it’s starting to affect her in ways she hadn’t expected. When they record, she feels fidgety—she’s jumpy when he gets close, has all the stupid obvious tells of an unwanted crush: her breath hitches when he whispers (why the fuck is he whispering in her ear, anyway? Doesn’t he know what that does to a person?) inside jokes to her so Jungkook can’t hear, her heart rate spikes when their fingers accidentally brush, she feels itchy and hot and a little embarrassed whenever he holds eye contact with her. It’s terrible, and it’s only made worse by the way he’s doing all of those things more than usual. Or, at least she thinks he is, thinks she’s not imagining the way his eyes linger on her more than she can remember happening before or the way she’s caught him staring at her lips when she chews on the end of her pencil mindlessly. 

You’ve completely forgotten how to breathe.

Namjoon’s staring again. You need to salvage this. He’s only on paragraph three and you’re already squirming in your chair and imagining things that are not appropriate. So you roll your lips, return his teasing. “Well? Do you stare at my lips?”

It works. “No,” he scowls.

“You sure?” you joke, morphing your face into something half-pout, half-duck face.

“We’re never gonna finish this if you keep making comments.”

“You started it,” you point out. “Go on, then.”

There’s some dialogue. Some prose that hits way too close to home, has you wondering who on earth wrote this and how they plucked every single thought from deep within your psyche. A pang of fear that maybe you haven’t been as subtle as you’d thought all these years. A moment to confirm to yourself that, no, you haven’t been harboring a secret, deeply-buried crush on Namjoon.

Then he reads—

And then he kisses her. It’s greedy and hot, his lips like a branding iron. She moans a little against her better judgment when he licks at the seam of her mouth, and in return, she can feel Namjoon’s lips curve into a smile against her own. It’s better than she’d been imagining it, really. He’s a good kisser—firm at the right times, soft when she needs it, careful but not cautious. He holds her jaw with one hand and keeps her right where he wants her beneath him (as if she’d want to move, anyway).  When their lips finally part, he rests his forehead on hers. It’s intimate in a way she hadn’t expected, and he looks at her as if she’s the answer to every question. Finally, he whispers, “What’re we doing, Piper?” His lips are still wet and pink and a little swollen from kissing, and she barely hears the question—she’s too busy thinking about kissing him again, about pulling his plump bottom lip between her teeth, teasing and…  “Kissing,” she says finally.  “What do you want?” he asks, sinking to his knees in front of her. And if that alone isn’t an answer to his question… “Whatever you’re willing to give,” she replies. It feels like she’s wanted this forever, this and so much more. Once she got the idea in her head, it’s hard to know if she ever felt differently, ever truly thought they could just be friends. Or, if in the back of her mind, in the dark corners that she never lets see daylight, she always knew she wanted Namjoon. Always knew she loved him.

—and everything goes right out the fucking window.

Namjoon sits with those words for a moment. Scans the paper in his hands and frowns a little when he confirms what you already know. “The rest is, uh. Porn.”

“That is why we’re here.”

“Last chance to back out.”

“I’m not scared,” you lie. “Are you? You’re the one who keeps stalling.”

He huffs. “You’re a pain in my ass,” he retorts, and then nothing is all that funny anymore.

Because Namjoon was right: the rest is straight-up porn. He’s barely able to read the part where he goes down on you with a straight face, turning a deep shade of crimson. Stutters through the part where you pull his hair, and that is not something you needed to know about your friend. You think he loses his grasp of language entirely when he reads, “When he slides a long finger into her and brushes past her most sensitive spot, she arches into him and lets his name fall from her lips in a soft cry. Piper, notorious skeptic, is a babbling, trembling mess as she gets closer to her orgasm,” because all the words are garbled together, producing nothing but gibberish. You think he’s ready to keel over and die when he reads, “Namjoon pulls away briefly, lips slick with her juices, and licks over his top one, pausing to tell her how good she tastes before he dives back in.”

“That was nice of them to include. I appreciate their attention to detail in regards to my personal hygiene.”

“This is so embarrassing,” he whines.

You roll your eyes good-naturedly. “Gimme. I’ll finish it.” He hands over the papers immediately.

Except you regret it immediately. The words you’re staring at are not words you ever thought you’d read or recite in your entire life. Not even for a million dollars. “Oh,” you say instead.

“See? Not as easy as it looks.”

“This is really embarrassing,” you confirm. “I might need another shot.”

“Y-yeah. Alcohol sounds good.”

Namjoon staggers forward obligingly, looks completely fucked out and pliant, willing to do whatever she asks. She remembers the sounds he made when she pulled his hair, wonders if he likes being bossed around, if he wants her to tell him what to do, to be a little mean to him. Maybe it’s different from her dreams, maybe he will beg her. She wants him so badly, she’d do anything for him. So, she pulls his briefs down to expose his absurdly large member, already mostly hard, and slaps it. Gently at first to see how he’ll react, and when he shudders and jerks his hips, she does it again, a little harder. “Look at you,” she whispers, “such a needy boy.”  He whimpers at that, eyes pleading. “Please, Piper…” he whines.   “Please what?” “Please let me fuck you,” he begs. She wants to, wants him so much, wants to feel him stretch her open, and from the looks of his cock, thick and long and drooling with precum, he could. “Should I?” she asks. She musters all her confidence to keep the condescending tone up. It feels wrong given how desperate she is to get him inside her, but it also seems to be getting him worked up and equally as desperate. “Do you even know what to do with that big, stupid cock?”  Namjoon’s cock twitches, and he begs, “I—I’ll fuck you so good, Piper…. I know how, I promise. Just… please?”

“Oh my god,” the two of you say in unison.

You so badly want to ask if this is biographical. How Namjoon feels about a little degradation; what he’d do if someone actually called his cock stupid. Ifsomeone has called his cock stupid. You dare a glance at him and conclude that someone’s had to. Namjoon just has that kind of energy.

But you can’t ask because it’d be weird, so you keep reading.

“How do you want me?” she asks softly when their lips part. There’s a wild look in his eyes, like he’s processing all the possible options out of everything he’s considered. And then it occurs to her. “Have you imagined this before? Thought about how you’d fuck me?” she teases him as she stands, stepping into him. Piper pushes one hand through his hair, brushing it back off of his forehead and wraps her other around his dick, squeezing a little for emphasis on her words. “Yes,” he groans as she strokes him, thumbing at the head of his cock. “Tell me what you want, then. Want me on all fours for you? Want me to show you how it’s done, to let you lay back and ride you so you don’t have to put in any work?” Namjoon’s breathing is getting heavy, pupils blown wider with each suggestion. 

“I told you!” you shriek, laughing in between the words. “I told you I’d…” And then your gloating tapers off, because what happens next has your brain malfunctioning.

“All of that,” he whines as she lets go of his hair and brings her hand down to run a fingertip over his perineum. “Want all of that. Want to bend you over the table and fuck you right here. Hear your sounds in the microphone.” Even in her dirtiest thoughts about him, she hadn’t considered the microphone, hadn’t considered recording it. When she thinks about it though, it makes sense. Namjoon is exactly the kind of person that would get off to someone’s voice. So, she does. She makes a show of turning around and slowly bending over the table, sliding her upper body across it carefully until she can reach her microphone and turn it on. When she says into it, “What’re you waiting for?” she sees over her shoulder the way that Namjoon shivers.

This is… not good. You’re never going to be able to look at a microphone the same way, which is extremely not good for a person who supplements their income with a very popular podcast that requires them to speak into a microphone for extended periods of time.

This is very, very bad.

Namjoon must be thinking the same, because he lets out a strangled a-haaa that’s less of a laugh and more a plea to God, the gods, the entire gamut of higher powers that might be able to save him. No one’s going to, you think, staring down at the paper again. This godless piece of fanfiction will be preserved on the internet forever, will be seared into your mind forever, and no amount of praying is going to erase it.

“I should, uh. Just read the rest, yeah? Get it over with?”

“Mhm. Yep. Yes, please.”

Don’t say please, you almost say. You can’t take it; not after what you’ve just read.

So you put on a show. Steel your expression and your nerves and take it seriously. Use voices and sound effects and desperately try to stave off the awkwardness you know is inevitable because a smut fic is probably only going to end one way, and that’s with you acting out Namjoon having an orgasm.

Maybe you’ll have another one, too, if the author is nice.

It’s sweet, she thinks, the way he’s easy for her, takes his time with her. Strokes his fingertips along her sides and kisses the back of her neck reverently. As much as she loves it, part of her hopes he’s not always like this—hopes he’ll give as good as he takes, hopes he’ll put her in her place. She can feel his cock hard against the cleft of her ass, not even inside her yet, and still, she thinks about next time and the time after that. “Still okay?” He breathes into her ear as his tip rubs against her cunt.  “Yeah—want you, Joon.”  “Never thought I’d hear you say those words.”  “I never thought you’d record them,” she teases, eyes glancing up to the flashing light showing the mic picking up all of this as he starts his slow slide into her.  Piper falls even further forward when he bottoms out, letting her forehead rest on the table. He’s whispering filth in her ear, about how he has something to prove, how she’ll never want anyone after this, how no one can fuck her the way he does.  She hates that he’s right.  Each stroke brings a new sensation: sparklers, butterflies, nerve endings on fire as he fucks into her and licks and sucks at her neck, her shoulders, her ear. Piper can’t even think, and this is what people mean when they talk about being fucked stupid, she decides.  It’s perfect.  Every time she thinks she’s getting close again, he changes something: fucks her a little shallower, moves his hips just a little, slows down, speeds up… It’s driving her crazy.  “Come on,” she whines. “I’m so close…” At least she can tell he is, too. No longer able to sustain the dirty talk, he’s breathing heavily, letting out broken moans and sighs of her name. He’s moving rhythmically now, thrusts consistently faster.  “Oh, fuck, Piper,” he groans, “Gonna cum.” One of his hands finds her clit and he rubs careful circles over her, bringing her to her peak along with him, no more teasing.  When she comes, it’s with a loud moan into the studio mic, and that seems to be what tips Namjoon over the edge, too. His hips stutter into hers as he comes, her cunt clenching around him for what feels like forever.

You deserve an award, you think. An Oscar. You didn’t even groan when you had to read the word “cunt,” and that’s a feat in and of itself.

“Is it over?” Namjoon asks, words muffled by the hands covering his face.

“Not quite,” you answer. “There’s some aftercare, and at the end you ask if I’ll piss on you.”

Namjoon gags. “I asked you what—”

“Today’s episode has been brought to you by Stamps-dot-com—”

HOLY SHIT THE NEW PATREON EPISODE???????? Posted by u/pod-shipper 4 minutes ago NO WAY. NOOOOOOO FUCKING WAY DUDE THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY THEY DID THIS AS AN ACTUAL EPISODE WHAT THE FUCK WHAT HTE FUCK WHAT EHTU FKF DFGLKDG;L (+705) I wasn’t sure if they were messing around before, and I was quite critical of the “shippers,” but now I’m pretty convinced. (+423) ↳ we’ve been telling y’all for YEARS 😤 (+197) ↳ Glad you’ve seen the light, u/RandomAcorn2058! (+5) ↳ ugh. they weren’t messing around before and they aren’t messing around now. do you guys not listen to what they say? namjoon’s been dating, and piper got out of a six-year relationship just over a year ago. if they’ve had something going on for “years” that means they’re both cheaters, and that’s a really shitty thing to assume about them. not to mention it makes the entire point of the podcast moot. (-63) Why do you guys think Jungkook “wasn’t allowed” to be there? (+314) ↳ So they could fuck lmao it’s so obvious (+329) ↳ because it’s awkward af? would you wanna read porn about yourself w all your coworkers in the room? (+2) ↳ the “it’s awkward” excuse is sooooo lame he’s the one who found it and is the one who edited the episode, he’s gonna see it regardless. (+15) ↳ Tbh I’m more curious about how he even found it to begin with? Do they have a throuple thing going on? Like, why was he looking for smut fic about his bosses? (+38)

You do not get through recording unscathed.

You are very scathed. Perhaps the most scathed a person has ever been.

Jungkook texts the group chat sporadically throughout the week, cracking jokes and making memes at your and Namjoon’s expense which is par for the course and shouldn’t have you off-kilter, but something inside you feels deeply wrong. Feels like someone’s given you devastating news; feels like it used to back in uni when you knew you’d failed an exam and were just waiting to see how badly.

It both helps and doesn’t that the internet is so invested. All the clips Jungkook keeps posting have re-doubled your Patreon numbers, and jumping up a tax bracket never hurt anyone, you included. But all of those jokes and memes largely went unanswered by both you and Namjoon, still too close to the incident to find the humor in it from the other side.

The two of you had sex.

Not literally, of course, but you figure you might as well have with the way you’re feeling. The way you’re avoiding one another. Someone wrote a story about the two of you having sex and you both read it and something about that, days later, feels really fucking unsettling.

In a bad way? You aren’t sure. It’s not like you’re mad or upset or any other synonym. You just feel… off. Itchy from the inside out, and that’s far from the norm in your and Namjoon’s friendship. In all the years you’ve known one another, you’ve never once avoided each other, including the time you’d set him up with a close friend and he showed up 45 minutes late to their date and ghosted after.

(Unsurprisingly, that friendship had not lasted.)

Maybe it’s because Yoongi had always been there as a buffer. You aren’t of the belief that men and women cannot be platonic friends, but being in a years-long committed relationship nixed a lot of awkward interactions and assumptions off the bat. Even Namjoon had known Yoongi first. Had introduced himself to you in your shared 100-level psych course with a, “Hey, you’re Min Yoongi’s girlfriend, right?” because they ran in the same underground circles and Namjoon had idolized him from afar for years.

Pretty fucked up, then, that Yoongi’s off in Los Angeles with his hot new boyfriend and you’re on your couch, Holly at your feet, pointedly ignoring your texts.

“I’m gonna get a cat,” you say to the dog, trying to redirect his attention when he starts chewing on your sock again. Holly doesn’t offer any input, of course, and he’s a lot like his father in that way. “I can’t believe you have a stepfather. You’re a proper child of divorce now, Min Holly.”

There are a pile of unread texts you continue to ignore in lieu of showing Holly pictures of adoptable cats. A few more memes from Jungkook, one from Namjoon’s new phone asking to move the recording date a few days because “something came up at work,” one from the food delivery service you admittedly use too much offering 10% off your next order, and two from Yoongi. This reminded me of you, the first one says beneath a picture of an ice cream cone on the ground, and another one of him holding a water gun that says send me a picture of my son or else.

You eventually reply back with a picture of your middle finger, Holly nothing but a blurred brown blob in the corner of the frame.

That’s how it goes for the better part of a week. Namjoon’s work issue lasts four days. He doesn’t offer an explanation and you don’t ask for one, you just wait for the all-clear text and try to quiet the nerves once you get it.

You’ve never been nervous to see Namjoon before.

The more popular the podcast became, the more money rolled in. The more money that rolled in, the more you could afford nicer things. That meant going from recording in Namjoon’s living room to a bona fide office space. Third floor, an expanse of windows and natural light, thirty-five minute commute by train.

Today, it feels more like thirty-five seconds.

You can hear Jungkook’s witch cackle from the stairwell, and your mind fills in the blanks of Namjoon’s exasperated sigh. It helps, your brain reminding you that you know these people. You know this is Jungkook’s late gym day, so he’ll be in a pair of sweats and a hoodie that drowns his frame. You know that when Namjoon has work issues and feels like an inconvenience, he always shows up with two boxes of baked goods from the bakery near his place, and you know both of them will save the best donut for you.

So you walk in and Jungkook’s in a hoodie and sweats just like you expect him to be, and there are two boxes of baked goods next to the coffee machine. Both of them say hello and wave and, for all intents and purposes, everything is normal.

Except it isn’t.

Because Namjoon looks… different.

Not in a bad way. Not in a bad way. He almost always dresses nicely, always looks polished and put-together, usually because he’s either going to or coming from campus—fitted shirts, either of the tee or dress variety, and earth-toned cardigans; tailored trousers that are sometimes corduroy; polished loafers. Sometimes, if he’s feeling extra casual, a stark white pair of tennis shoes.

Today, he wears none of those things.

No, today torture comes in the form of form-fitting jeans and a t-shirt a little oversized so he can roll the sleeves. His hair is brushed back off his face instead of parted down the middle. He’s wearing gold jewelry that glints in the sun. A pair of off-white Converse high-tops. And, much to your horror, he’s also wearing his glasses.

According to the internet, Kim Namjoon is peak husband material, which you can usually ignore, but not when he’s wearing glasses.

You avert your gaze, convinced you’ll burst into flames if you stare too long, not to mention Jungkook will notice and that’s a ribbing you’d rather die than take. So you avert your gaze and pointedly ignore Namjoon, who’s talking about his work crisis to no one in particular. Something about a co-worker going on an unexpectedly early paternity leave, and Namjoon being asked to cover some of his courses until they could find a more permanent fix.

Jungkook asks a question you don’t catch. Because paternity leave means his co-worker and his partner had a baby, presumably via old-fashioned methods, and it’s not a direct mention of sex but it’s close enough to send you into a coughing fit you have to blame on your donut. Neither of them buy it, but Namjoon is a good enough person to look genuinely concerned. Reaches out, probably to slap your back, but the thought of him touching you is just… too much.

So he barely gets out an, “Are you o—” before you choke down whatever’s left in your mouth and cut him off with a, “Yep, all good!” before you’re scurrying off to the opposite side of the room like a little rat.

It doesn’t get any better.

Both of you are so stilted and awkward during recording that Jungkook has to be the voice of reason and call it, suggest trying again tomorrow. Luckily he has enough b-side stuff he can release if need be, Namjoon’s work emergency providing a decent cover, and he sends the two of you home for the afternoon with all the exasperation and incredulity of a disappointed parent.

Thirty-five minutes back home.

Thirty-five minutes to sit in the embarrassment of not being able to do your job. Thirty-five minutes to catastrophize and wonder what you’re going to do if you can’t get it together. Namjoon will keep the podcast, of course; you’ll be replaced with someone else. Maybe someone less cynical, maybe someone more, but undoubtedly a man. After this mess, you can’t imagine Namjoon would want another female co-host.

But as embarrassed as you are, your traitorous brain keeps thinking about Namjoon.

Thirty-five minutes to think about his glasses and his rolled-up sleeves and the way the denim of his jeans contoured perfectly to his thighs. Thirty-five minutes to think about, “Please let me fuck you,” he begs. Thirty-five minutes to squeeze your thighs together and overanalyze the way he stumbled over his words today; how he could barely make eye contact. Thirty-five minutes to draft a dozen resignation texts and delete them all.

You groan, head thunking against the train window. You’ll take a cold shower as soon as you get home.

That’ll cure you.

You get home and walk Holly so long he gives up halfway through and you have to carry him back to your apartment. You take a cold shower and actually find it pleasant once the initial shock wears off, so it doesn’t work to keep all your rogue Namjoon thoughts at bay. You make a simple dinner and don’t think about Namjoon sitting you on the counter and having his way with you. You tuck yourself into bed far too early and consider going back to therapy, because clearly something very, very bad has happened to your psyche.

Needless to say, nothing cures you.

But it’s a new day, and you’re determined to get your shit together. Yesterday was a fluke, because you’re so normal and so capable of being in the same room as Kim Namjoon.

Except—you’re not.

Jungkook’s there when you arrive, mindlessly scrolling through his phone. Barely looks up at you to say hello, and barely returns it when you do. You double-check the time, because you can count on two fingers the amount of times you’ve shown up and Namjoon wasn’t already there, jotting down extensively-detailed notes, circling and highlighting and chasing down Jungkook to ask questions.

“Where’s Namjoon?”

Jungkook shrugs. “Dunno. Not here.”

You roll your eyes. “Super helpful, thanks.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes right back. “You don’t pay me enough to also be his handler.”

You bite your tongue. Arguing with Jungkook means you’ve already lost the war. Not worth it. But it still eases your worries a bit that he doesn’t know any more than you do. That Namjoon hadn’t only texted him to say why he was running late because he didn’t want to—or couldn’t—talk to you.

So you wait. And you wait and you wait and you wait. Jungkook lets you talk to people on his dating apps and tells you about his new gym routine until your eyes are glazing over. Orders food delivery for the two of you because he gets hungry after an hour and had already eaten what was left of the snacks before you arrived. Cracks a joke that isn’t really a joke about calling the police, because Namjoon still hasn’t shown up and he hasn’t said anything and none of your texts are showing as delivered.

You’re halfway to hour two when the office door bursts open and Namjoon stumbles through, soaked with sweat and stammering over apologies.

“I am so sor—I broke my phone again so my alarm never went off and then I missed my bus? And apparently they’re not running the regular bus schedule today so the next one was a half-hour wait, but then I…”

You don’t catch the rest, because Namjoon is covered in sweat and breathing heavily and a week ago you could’ve survived this. A week ago you would’ve cracked a joke and handed him a towel and told him to get to work. A week ago you would not have been paralyzed in your seat, transfixed on the sweat rolling down the side of his neck.

You are fucked beyond belief.

Jungkook elbows you in the ribs, bringing you back to reality. “...even paying attention?” You startle, face warming in embarrassment. Namjoon still isn’t looking at you. “This is so sad to watch,” Jungkook mumbles, and thankfully it’s only loud enough for you to hear. “Like some stupid shit you only see in nature documentaries.”

Well, you can’t really argue with that, now can you?

But you’re a professional above all, so you hum an acknowledgment and take your regular seat. Pointedly ignore Jungkook. Wait for Namjoon to assume his position as well, and you’re surprised to see the space in front of him empty. No notes. No script. There’s just… nothing.

“Are you okay?” you ask, gesturing to the space in front of him when he seems confused. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without a stack of notes in front of you.”

“I forgot them.”

“Don’t think I’ve ever seen you do that, either.”

Your tone is light and airy, not at all accusing or confrontational, but Namjoon’s jaw clenches nonetheless. He scoffs, fires a shitty little, “Were you not paying attention when I was talking about what a horrible fucking morning I’ve had?” at you that makes even Jungkook flinch. A few moments of stunned silence, and then, “Oh fuck, I’m so sorry, that was rude—”

“Yeah, it was,” you agree, and all of a sudden you feel too big for your body. Feel like there are ants beneath your skin, feel like everything is wrong, and you don’t want to be here anymore. “It’s fine. Let’s just—”

Namjoon looks like he wants to argue, but he just sighs and says, “I—yeah, okay.”

This is where Namjoon would usually launch into the intro, a dimpled smile already plastered on his face that’d drop as he discussed another failed first date with that brand of self-deprecation that makes him so endearing. This is where he’d say what have you been up to, Pipe, and you’d try not to groan because how hard could it possibly be to add one more letter, another syllable, but Namjoon seems incapable of it. This is the part that, for three years, has been seamless and easy and instinctual, just two friends having a conversation.

There’s a red light on your microphones that indicates you’re recording. It’s on and it mocks you, because Namjoon is not doing the intro or telling you about a failed date. He doesn’t use that cringey nickname. He doesn’t say anything at all. His mouth opens and shuts and no words come out. What’s worse is that you know exactly why he can’t speak, because you’re thinking about it, too.

“So, uh,” you begin, and Jungkook makes a gagging sound from behind you. “Come here often?”

Namjoon ignores you. “Right, right, the intro…” He sucks in a breath. “Welcome back to another episode of Put Him in the Trash, I’m—”

“Joon—”

“Namjoon, and my co-host here is—”

“Joon, that’s not—”

“Piper. Wait, why are you looking at me like that?”

“That’s not the name of our podcast.”

“Huh?”

“You said Put Him in the Trash.” Namjoon just blinks. “It’s Place Him Gently in the Garbage.”

“Is it? Since when?”

“Since forever?”

He looks at Jungkook, who is hiding behind his hands. “Is she right?”

A beat of silence. “I can’t do this,” he half-shouts, half-whines. “Are you two going to be like this forever? Because if you are, I’m quitting. I’m so serious. I’m gonna quit. I can’t take it anymore. The two of you are insufferable.” Another beat of silence, before Jungkook stands at full height and lords over you and Namjoon. “Forget today. Just go home and try again on Monday. This is so—I’m seriously gonna quit.”

Yoongi comes on Saturday afternoon to pick up Holly.

Yijeong isn’t with him, which is almost disappointing. Now that he’s dating again, you were looking forward to seeing just how awkward it could get with the three of you in the same room, but he looks good. Refreshed. The trip clearly did a world of good for him, and you can’t even bring yourself to crack a joke at his expense.

He, however, has no such hang-ups. “You look like shit.”

“Weird way to say thank you.” You click your tongue and look down at Holly. “Do you see how your father treats me? You should bite him.”

“My son would never. But also, thank you.” He flops onto the sofa. “You do look like shit, though. You wanna talk about it?”

“Not with you, preferably.”

“Oh, gross, is it a dating thing, then?”

“I—no.” You pause. It’s not a dating thing, but you still feel like you’ve got motion sickness whenever you think about it. How would you even begin to explain this to Yoongi, anyway? Someone wrote a porn fic about me and Namjoon. You remember Namjoon, right? Namjoon, that I’ve known and have been friends with since college. Yeah, that Namjoon. Anyway, someone wrote fanfiction about us having sex, and it fucked me up so bad I can no longer be in the same room as him.

No fucking way.

“You look like you’re holding in a fart.”

“You know, I’m getting really sick of you. Did you just come here to insult me?”

He snorts, but his smirk dissipates a few seconds later, a familiar seriousness filling the void. “We’re okay, right? Was the Yijeong thing too soon?”

“No,” you answer immediately, leaning over to flick him on the forehead. “We’re fine, and if you’re happy, then I’m happy for you.” He still looks doubtful. “You want me to start singing ‘I Will Always Love You’ or something? It’s just… weird work stuff.”

“Depends. Are you singing the Dolly Parton or Whitney version? And real work or podcast work?”

“Podcast work, and obviously the Whitney version.”

Yoongi seems surprised by this, eyebrows disappearing beneath his fringe. “Like, the podcast with Namjoon?” He presses his tongue into the fat of his cheek when you nod your head. “Not gonna lie, I didn’t think that was possible.”

“Like I said, it’s weird. It wasn’t, like, an argument or anything.”

“How weird?”

“You’re so fake, Min Yoongi. You act like you’re so distinguished and above drama, but really you’re just as hungry for gossip as the rest of us.”

He shrugs. “I’m not denying it.”

God help you, you’re going to rip off the band-aid. “Someone… Jesus, this is so embarrassing. Someone… wrote? Fanfiction? About us.”

“About you and Namjoon?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my god—”

“About us… uh. Having sex? Specifically.”

“Oh my god—”

“Jungkook found it and thought it’d be funny if we read it for an episode.”

“Oh my god?”

“So we did? And it was really weird, which I expected, because I’ve known Namjoon for a long time, and I never, ever thought about having sex with him because we were together and me and Namjoon are friends, so yeah, it was fucking weird. But now… I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about it? And now we can’t even be in the same room as one another.” Yoongi is a concerning shade of red. “So our show is gonna get canceled, because we can only release b-side stuff for so long until people realize something’s up, and it was Namjoon’s podcast to begin with so obviously I’ll get fired—”

“Oh my god, you want to fuck Namjoon.”

Yoongi sounds like a strangled cat when he says this, which does not help the way you feel like you’ve been hit square in the face with a frying pan. “No,” you argue, though it sounds more like a question. You do not want to fuck Namjoon. “No, no. No. It’s just because it was weird.”

“Did you forget I dated you for six years? I know what you look like when you want to fuck someone.”

“You’re telling me you wouldn’t be weird if someone wrote fanfiction about you fucking your friend?”

“Not if I didn’t actually want to fuck them, no.”

“You’re a liar. Get your dog and get out of my apartment.”

Yoongi laughs as he stands. Pats you on the back in the most condescending way you’ve ever had someone pat you on the back. “Let me know how it goes. No need to give me credit for your moment of horny clarity.”

Min Yoongi is a bastard.

Unfortunately, as you come to find out, he’s also a correct bastard.

You want to fuck Namjoon.

Which is… not great, you have to admit, considering he can barely stand to be around you, so you take another cold shower and decide you’re going to take this to your grave. You’re going to spend the rest of the weekend getting your shit together, and you’re going to show up on Monday and be a consummate professional. You’re going to look at Namjoon and say, ha ha, isn’t it so funny someone thought we would have sex? I don’t think about it at all because I am so cool and normal about it.

You’ve got it all planned out. You’re going to show up fifteen minutes early with your own box of pastries. You’re going to look nice, if not a little pretentious—maybe a nice sweater. You’re going to be prepared with notes of your own. You might even be nice to the villain of the week so Namjoon doesn’t have to pinch the bridge of his nose and sigh at you.

And then someone knocks on your door.

You find Namjoon on the other side, and all your plans immediately go to shit.

Has he always been this tall? You can’t remember. You can’t remember a lot of things, including how to speak, because Yoongi had launched you into a crisis of epic proportions and now here’s the source of it, standing right in front of you. With all of his… height. And thighs. And that heady, musky cologne he always wears, that you can still smell now even though there’s an unfortunate amount of distance between you.

“Uh, hi.”

You blink. “Hi,” you parrot, and it’s a little insulting how one single word seems to have sucked up all of your brainpower. “Namjoon,” you tack on, not awkward at all.

“Sorry to just show up,” he says, scratching at the back of his neck. Very bad idea; makes his biceps bulge. You barely swallow your whimper. “It’s just—my phone’s still broken, and it felt bad leaving things how we did? So I was hoping we could talk.”

Talk. Namjoon wants to talk to you. Normally: not a problem. Currently: big problem. You manage a nod, open the door wider to let him in, and you don’t think about how jarring it is to have Namjoon in your space. You don’t think about how your legs feel like jelly all of a sudden, or what it’d be like if Namjoon bent you over the couch, or the kitchen counter, or the—

You cough. “Do you want anything to drink?”

“Oh, sure. Maybe just some water if you have it.”

If you have it. What kind of person doesn’t have water? But you tell him to make himself comfortable and get him some anyway, and you mull too long over the size of the glass. Ultimately decide on a smaller one, because if things get unbearably awkward you can excuse yourself to the kitchen to get more.

“I haven’t been here in a while,” Namjoon says from the living room, and when you look up he’s sorting through a stack of books near the window. Some he’d lent you months ago, notes jotted in the corners, sticky notes in the shape of sea animals on important pages. “You ever wind up reading this?”

The Idiot. Namjoon had raved about it when he was in the midst of his 19th century Russian phase, right after he’d read a bunch of Tolstoy and Pushkin. You shake your head—though, judging from the title, you wonder if someone hadn’t written your biography.

“It’s good. If you have the time, you should definitely give it a shot.”

“Yeah, of course,” you say, handing over his water. You take a seat in an armchair, pull your knees to your chest. Namjoon’s still looking through your books, isn’t looking at you, so it feels safe to say, “You wanted to talk?”

“Yeah.” He moves to sit on the floor, massive thighs spreading until he’s comfortable. Thank god he can’t see the look on your face. “I just wanted to make sure we’re alright. Things have felt pretty weird since we filmed the, uh.” He coughs. “Thing.”

“Right, yeah.” You realize he’s waiting for an answer, and you offer up a very rushed, “We’re fine, Joon.”

“Are you sure?”

Yeah, you’re sure: sure you absolutely cannot be having this conversation in the safety and sanctity of your own home. It’s tainted now, contaminated by all your uncontrolled horny thoughts about the man in front of you. You’ll have to fumigate. Might have to pick up and move, actually, or call an exorcist.

“I’m sure,” you assure him. “The… thing… was weird, but it’s fine. Temporary.”

“Do you think we shouldn’t have done it?”

That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Because, in isolation, reading a porn fic about yourselves wasn’t a big deal. No one got hurt. Everyone who needed to be consulted was consulted. The episode made the two of you a lot of money, and Jungkook even promised to send some of it to the author, so your bases are beyond covered.

So, should you have done it? There wasn’t a good enough reason not to, because the story itself was never the problem.

The problem is staring you right in the face. It’s sitting on your floor, a book cracked in half at the spine and forgotten in his lap. The problem is looking at you like you hold all the answers to the universe’s secrets, and it’s no small thing to be looked at like that. The problem is that Namjoon is looking at you like that from across the room but you’re wondering what it’d look like from on top of you.

The problem is that you’ve co-hosted a podcast with Namjoon for three years, have known him even longer, and you’ve just realized today that you want to have sex with him.

And you can’t say that, can you, because Namjoon came here to fix things which really does not lend itself to a hookup. Namjoon cares about your friendship and your working relationship so much he came here to try and salvage it, so you’re going to keep your mouth shut. You’re going to say, “I think it’s okay that we did,” and leave it at that. Because it is okay.

Because you’re the problem.

It feels like a small victory when Namjoon sags in relief. When he exhales and says, “Okay, good, because I think so, too.”

“It made us a lot of money,” you tack on.

Namjoon’s eyes widen as he laughs. “Right? Like, that was almost too much money. Just to watch us read porn?”

“About ourselves. I think that was the selling point.”

He stands. You do, too. “Never thought I’d be doing that,” he says, returning the book to where it belongs. “Definitely the most embarrassing thing I’ve done for money.”

“Being a man with a podcast wasn’t embarrassing enough?”

He snorts. Gets closer to the door. “Hey now.” You’re going to survive this. “Thanks for entertaining me, by the way. For a second there I was really worried we’d fucked it all up.”

Just the ending. Just one more thing to say and you’ll be done with this, and then you can take your third cold shower in recent memory and triple text Yoongi with a full-fledged mental breakdown. Maybe he’ll bring Holly back and you can register him as your emotional support animal.

And Namjoon must sense the awkwardness that’s crept back in, because he tries to cover it with a joke. Says, “Haaa, like you’d actually piss on me, right?”

Except it sounds like he’s got a mouth full of marbles.

It’s no wonder you mishear him.

Because he says like you’d actually piss on me but you hear like you’d actually kiss me, and there isn’t a universe that exists in which the following makes sense: you, stunned into silence in the doorframe, Namjoon saying his goodbyes, you thinking fuck it, last chance and saying, “Yeah, I’d kiss you.”

Namjoon stops dead in his tracks. “What?”

Your entire body is on fire. “Is, uh. Is that not what you said?”

“I don’t think it matters anymore what I said.”

“I’d argue that it does, for the sake of my digni—”

“You’d kiss me?” Namjoon… doesn’t look put off of the idea, which is surely a point in your favor. Interesting to note that his diction is crystal clear, now. Bastard. “You’d kiss me right now?”

There’s also no explanation for the way you say: “It’s only been an option for ten seconds and you’re already begging for it?”

You’d say there’s no explanation for the way Namjoon’s jaw clenches, the way he repeats I don’t beg for anything, but maybe the simple fact is: the two of you want to fuck each other. And, judging from the way Namjoon crowds your space, keeps dropping his gaze to your mouth, it seems very likely to happen.

All that fixating you’d done on Namjoon’s thighs was wasted, you think, as you take in the shape of his mouth. His lips. The way his tongue darts out to run along the bottom at the last second before he reaches out, tilts your head up, and finally presses his mouth to yours.

And you’ve got to laugh, because no piece of written fiction could ever accurately portray what it feels like. How soft his lips are. The way he touches you—gentle, but still dominant enough to have you moving the way he wants, have you backing up into your apartment so he can smile against your mouth as he closes the door behind him.

No piece of fiction would get it right, the way you’re unsteady on your feet, breathless at the way Namjoon’s kissing you. How he only breaks apart long enough to ask where do you want me in that throaty, deep voice of his. How you’re so overwhelmed you can’t decide: unsure if you want to waste the time it’d take to get to your bedroom, but if it’s only going to happen once, wanting to make it count.

So you decide to risk it. Plant your hands in the middle of his exceptionally broad chest and push him in the direction of the hallway, and if the two of you can’t wait, can’t control yourselves, well.

But the story had gotten one thing right: Namjoon does kiss like a branding iron, hot and greedy. Namjoon kisses you like there’s nothing else he wants to do in this lifetime, and it makes you dizzy. Has you off-kilter, stumbling into the wall as you try to remember where the fuck your bedroom is and why it’s so far. Just like the fictional version of you, you also moan when he licks into your mouth.

“Should I do it the way we did in the fic?” Namjoon asks as the two of you cross the threshold into your bedroom, a cheeky grin on his face. “Do it like this?” he questions, pushing you gently until you’re on the back in the middle of your bed, chest heaving as you lift your head to look at him.

Namjoon is so, so big from where you lay, just hovering at the foot of your bed. Cheeks ruddy, bulge prominent. “What’d you say you wanted?”

Takes a second to remember how to breathe, let alone what you’d read. What do you want, Namjoon had asked, right before he’d sank to his knees in front of you. “Whatever you’re willing to give,” you answer.

Namjoon smiles. Puts one knee on the bed, and the way it dips beneath his weight is unsettling. Why does he have to be so fucking large. “That’s right, baby.” Christ, you think, because there’s another thing that fic had gotten right. No one on earth would be immune to Namjoon calling them baby in that tone of voice.

The riposte biting at the back of your teeth gets swallowed whole as Namjoon grabs your ankles and drags you to the edge of the bed. “May I?” he asks, hands poised above the waistline of your leggings. You nod, and Namjoon drags down your underwear with them. “Fuck, look at you,” he groans, awe creeping into the edge of his words.

“You want me to do it the same way? Hm? You’re being awfully quiet; thought you were giving me shit about being the one in charge,” he chides.

Because you’re short-circuiting. Namjoon’s on his knees, just like you’d envisioned, and his mouth is dangerously close to your cunt. How can you be expected to think and speak under these conditions? But if Namjoon can find the brainpower to be a bastard, so can you, because what you’d read and the way he’d reacted can both never be forgotten. So you thread your hands into his hair and pull. The resulting moan is enough to sustain you for years.

“Are you gonna keep running your mouth, or are you gonna make me come on it?”

He blinks. “Jesus Christ.”

There’s precedent. Fictional Namjoon ate you out like a man starved, like he couldn’t get enough. Had fictional you writhing and insatiable, so it’s a lot to live up to, but it doesn’t deter him in the slightest. He hesitates for only a second, giving you one last chance to back out before the two of you set every last boundary on fire, and then he’s settling between your thighs and making you see stars.

Now you know what it’s like. Now you don’t have to rely on fiction, and it doesn’t matter because it’d never compare to the way Namjoon feels as he works to bring you to your ruin. The way he flattens his tongue to lick long, thick stripes; the way his lips suction around your clit. The way it feels when he groans against your core. The way he says, “Fuck, you do taste good,” like that’s a completely normal thing to say. Like he doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing to you.

But you need more and Namjoon knows it. His mouth doesn’t leave your cunt for a second, but his fingers find your mouth, so you put on a show. Wrap your lips around them, suck on them the way he’s doing to you, make sure they’re slick. Namjoon groans again, doubles his efforts. Slides one thick finger inside of you and barely lets you adjust before he’s adding a second.

In an embarrassingly short amount of time, Namjoon has you unraveling. Presses incessantly on a spot that has your vision whiting out. Has you trembling, a little panicked as you say, “Joon, fuck—Namjoon, wait—” as it builds and builds and builds.

You might black out for a second, because you come to and Namjoon looks… stunned. He looks like he can’t believe any of what just happened, and you blink a few times, try to come back into your body, and when you regain enough consciousness, you’re extremely aware of the large wet patch beneath you.

“Um—”

“Holy shit.”

“Namjoon, that’s not—that’s embarrassing—can you grab a—”

He shuts you up with a kiss. Presses the taste of you into your skin, and all those silly protests die in your throat, because if Namjoon was needy before, he’s desperate now. Covers your body with his own, hips dipping down low enough to press his erection into the juncture of your thigh, and the weight of him is delicious. Has you fisting the fabric of his t-shirt to pull him closer, has you pulling it over his head, his pants following. Has your hands skimming down every thick part of his body until you reach his cock, hard and aching and slick with pre-cum.

“I need to suck you off later,” you say, done with overthinking. Time to just be honest, and Kim Namjoon has a dick you need to feel down your throat. “Remind me.”

He whines, thrusts into your hand a little harder. “How could I forget that?”

“Don’t know. Didn’t know if this would be the only time,” you answer. “Did you bring a condom?” Namjoon nods, fetches one from his wallet and rolls it on.

He hovers above you again. Looks nervous, all of a sudden, like he can’t tell his lefts from his rights. All out of sorts. You’re about to tell him it’s fine, you don’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to, don’t have to do anything at all, when he says, “It doesn’t have to be.” You just stare. “The only time.”

There’s a conversation to be had. You know that. Both of you clearly have feelings you need to talk about and sort out, but you reckon they can wait. They’ll still be there in the afterglow, in the morning. So you nod, say okay, Joon, and kiss away the insecurities that still linger.

You think about the fic. Think maybe Namjoon would appreciate it if you cracked a stupid joke, just like he’d tried to do earlier. “Has anyone ever called your cock stupid?”

He laughs, breath fanning against your skin. “No. Wanna try it and see what happens?”

Might as well. You try to remember the exaggerated tone of voice you’d used. Repeat the line—“Do you even know what to do with that big, stupid cock?”—and wait.

There’s a beat of silence, and then—

Namjoon swallows thickly. “I, um. Unfortunately, I think that really works for me.” You laugh. Pull him closer. Wrap your legs around his waist as he starts to move against you. Has jokes of his own. “Please. Please let me fuck you.”

You roll your eyes, laugh tapering into a giggle. “Do you know how?” Namjoon nods, looking all too much like a puppy eager to please its owner. “Do you promise?” He nods again. “Okay. Okay, come here.”

You expect him to move fast; expect the first time to be frenzied and a little awkward. It isn’t. Namjoon lines himself up and pushes the smallest bit inside, and then he’s leaning down to kiss you. Threads your fingers together, squeezes your hand. Pushes further inside and mumbles praise just beneath your ear.

It’s dizzying, the amount of care Namjoon handles you with. How soft he is. Does nothing to ease the discomfort of the stretch, the overwhelming fullness, but he talks you through it. Tells you how good you feel, how beautiful you look. Spills a lot of words you’d probably be embarrassed to hear and he’d be embarrassed to say if this was any other time, but in the heat of the moment it all just works to unravel you faster.

He bottoms out. “Okay?” he asks, and you’re rewarded with a dimpled smile when you say you are. Namjoon is a devastating kind of beautiful.

But, as he gives you time to adjust and you give him the all-clear, he also fucks like a demon. What once was hand-holding is now your wrists pinned to the bed, your body caged beneath him as he rolls his hips at a pace that has your eyes rolling back into your head. You’ve been deceived. Lured into a false sense of security.

It’s almost a shame this isn’t being recorded, because you want to memorize all the sounds Namjoon’s making. Want to hear them for the rest of your life. Don’t want anyone else to be the reason he sounds like this, and as he ups his pace and presses his lips to your neck, you don’t want to sound like this because of anyone else, either.

Maybe one of those times in the future, you can talk him into it.

Namjoon reaches down, rubs circles into your clit. Every time you think you might be close, he pulls his hand away, smiles like the devil. You let him have his fun for a while, let him think you’re keen to lie back and take it, and then you tighten your legs around his waist and flip him onto his back.

He doesn’t think it’s very funny. Looks up at you all bewildered. “What’re you—”

“You were taking too long,” you snark. “Figured I’d take matters into my own hands.”

“Yeah? Shit,” he says as you begin to move. “Fuck, baby, like that. Ride me just like that.”

You do. Don’t change a thing, because Namjoon’s cock is long and thick enough to hit exactly where you need it to. You can feel yourself clenching, feel yourself getting wetter, and the sight of Namjoon beneath you does nothing to stave off the inevitable. He looks even better than you’d imagined: skin flushed, eyes squeezed shut, head thrown back, sweat-slick. You want to make him cry. Want to give him the entire world. You will.

Namjoon thrusts at the same time you roll your hips, and that’s what does it. Has you crying out, has stars flashing behind your eyelids. Has you saying fuck, fuck, fuck as he drives you over the edge for the second time. Has you on the brink of oversensitive as he thrusts a few more times to chase his own end, almost delirious at the way Namjoon moans as he spills into the condom.

Has you swooning, just a bit, at the dopey way Namjoon smiles at you, eyes half-lidded and crinkled at the corners.

“Was that okay?”

You snort. “Yeah, I’d say it was decent.”

“Maybe next time you could pee on me,” he jokes.

You whack him on the chest. “Sure. Or we could record it.”

Has you a little shocked at the way his cock twitches inside of you at the mention of it.

On Monday, you don’t wear a pretentious sweater.

When you stroll in, Jungkook’s already got the best donut shoved halfway into his mouth because he’s a shithead. He eyes you warily, probably hoping with all his hope that you spent the weekend finding God and getting your shit together.

And then he realizes you’ve got on Namjoon’s hoodie and he nearly chokes to death.

“What the fuck are you wearing—”

Namjoon appears at that very moment, and it’s so hard not to take credit for the way he’s glowing, the dazed smile on his face. But Jungkook notices, because Jungkook notices everything, and his gaze darts between the two of you: your hoodie, Namjoon’s face, your face. He opens his mouth, something inappropriate bound to spill out, but Namjoon beats him to the punch. “Ready?” he asks you, and you nod.

It’s seamless.

No hiccups, no awkward stuttering. Namjoon gets through the intro without a hitch, and it feels exactly like it used to. Just two friends having a conversation. It’s obvious Jungkook still wants to say something, but after suffering through last week, he stays quiet lest he makes it worse and sends the two of you back to the bad place.

“How was your weekend, Pipe? Do anything fun?” Namjoon rolls his lips, tries not to laugh.

So you play along. “No, not really, just some dog sitting. How about you?”

“Oh, you know me. Had another first date on Saturday.”

“Did you? How’d it go?”

“Perfect.”

It’s a blessing Jungkook isn’t filming this, because your eyebrows raise so far they nearly disappear from your face altogether. There isn’t even a hint of hesitation in Namjoon’s voice, and although you would’ve described it the same way, hearing him say it with such conviction has you a little stunned. “Wow. You gonna see her again?”

“Yeah,” Namjoon says, sharing a private smile with you. “I think I am.”

who the FUCK is namjoon dating Posted by u/pod-shipper 7 minutes ago This has honestly ruined my entire day. I thought all the stories he told about dating were a bit… Like, what kind of guy has a podcast about relationships but can’t seem to be in one? But you could just HEAR it in his voice how much he likes this woman he went on a date with over the weekend and I’m sick to my stomach. (+2195) ↳ bro you and me both 😭 i genuinely thought him and piper had something going on fr (+1302) ↳ Seriously might stop listening because of this! Any woman with self-respect would never let their partner host a podcast with someone they’re obviously in love with. If he gets serious with this woman, Piper will be gone within 6 months, mark my words. (+927) ↳ I wouldn’t worry about it too much! My cousin works at a really nice restaurant in the same city Namjoon lives in, and she said she saw this “date” on Saturday and that it wasn’t anything serious. (+788) ↳ Piper got a cat and Namjoon finally got a second date. Face it, it’s over. (+325) ↳ cannot believe him and piper aren’t dating.. do you think i should delete all my tiktok edits? (+4) ↳ this is unhinged lmfao i thought y’all hated piper? you’re in here bitching abt her being a “misandrist” every week and now ur gonna stop listening bc namjoon isn’t dating her? pick a lane and stay in it (-64)

Thank you so much for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts, and reblogs/shares are always welcome! I appreciate you very much~ ♡

[aryxchse]

No cause now I need more. Like I don't know headcannons or something about how they got together and how their parents reacted.

LIKR IMAGINE THE FAMILY GATHERINGS!SGAHSJSKSN

Something- anything please I am begging😭

percy jackson x daughter of amphitrite! reader headcanons.

a / n : feeding my inner self ship here LMAO and also this is literally headcanons that made up from my ass, so idk if amphitrite would have a cabin, because they didn't make one even for her honor sooo.. yeah

warnings : cursing, fighting, blood mention, injury mention, basically just two waterbenders in love

- it was all camp half blood's fault

- you didn't had a cabin of your own, but they thought you staying in the poseidon cabin was the best decision

- well it was.. until percy got claimed

- you both had to share the same cabin, and he wasn't the best at keeping it clean

- all those years, getting a 10 from the cabin check, you got 5 because of him

- and it made you furious

- but, a nice girl you are, instead of breaking his heart, you warned him

- "next time we get a 5 from the cabin check, i will break your surfboard into pieces 😊"

- "yes ma'am 🫡" no ofc he didn't said that

- but he thought that as he nervously shake his head

- well, he didn't really had a time to clean his cabin, so the promise was forgotton

- and you learned to pick up after his back

- it was a beautiful afternoon when annabeth barged into your cabin

- "percy's in a fight and we can't stop him."

- these are the questions that you should've asked when she said that : what's that have to do with me? what am i even gonna do? why are you coming to me? what the fu-

- but what you did instead : run to percy

- alright, i guess you two have a bond now

- "alright seaweed brain, get your ass back up," you said as you yanked grabbed him by the arm and pushing him aside

- he tried to run to the boy he was beating back again, but you just pushed him by his chest and slowly lead him to your cabin

- "dude what the hell is going on with you?" you asked as you both enter. he was panting, sitting on his bed and holding his head. "percy? i asked you a question."

- "he was saying something shitty about you, and i couldn't just stand there and listen him. okay?" he said, not facing you.

- oh

- ooohhhhhh

- 😏

- "why though?" you sat next to him on the bed, too suprised to even get mad at him

- "you always got my back in cabin check so, i got your back outside, i guess." he simply shrugged

- alright mr in love

- and with that, you both got really close

- this was your breaking point in 'awkward energy'

- surfing competitions where it's just you two racing? check

- married dolphin and shark plushies? check

- going to an aquarium? double check

- the animals were once your enemy back then because of your mother, was your friends now

- same as percy

- and when you both started dating, percy realised how relaxed he was around you

- like when he was little, he would listen to ocean sounds to calm himself down after a stressful day

- and you have the same affect on him

- later he learned that children of amphitrite have that affect on children of poseidon and that's why annabeth bringed you that day

- talking of the parents

- the meeting was the most hilarious thing happened to you both

- because they already knew

- one time. ONE TIME YOU KISSED PERCY UNDERWATER AND THE FUCKING FISH WERE ALREADY EVERYWHERE-

- "ohh lord perseus and princess y/n"

- "ohh they're kissing"

- and suprisingly gossip spreads around ocean VERY FAST

- you both got a call from atlantic or smth to get there fast

- they weren't angry or anything, poseidon loved you and weirdly your mom loved percy

- they were just.. suprised

- "what type of history shit is going on here-"

- "POSEIDON."

- you understand where percy got his humor from now

- alright moving on to real parent SALLY MF JACKSON!!

- you think you being her ex's wife's daughter will make her hate you?

- well yeah, but sally jackson is the definition of angel

- and she doesn't care about your godly side as long as you're making percy happy by just being in his life

- so as you can say, you guys are already besties

- moving on again to u and percy

- underwater kisses duh

- silly blue shirts about fishes

- watching ariel, moana, lost fish nemo and dory and all of the sea shit together

- and recreating the musical scenes

- you having a signature pegasus friend like him

- and him having a dolphin one like you

- you guys just rule the lake atp

- living in the same cabin is the best thing ever happened to percy

- because he get to cuddle you EVERY NIGHT without having to worry about getting caught

- and tyson? basically your children

- seashell jewelry gifts from percy

- always wearing blue together

- also eating blue food

- this fic is really long rn but you both are yue and sokka tbh

- give yue one more chance!!

[ilys00ga]

can i request a fluffy first kiss drabble with yoongi? like reader is inexperienced with dating and other stuff. Reader feels like this is gonna be disappointing for him and they get nervous whenever they're in close proximity with him. He's sweet and just trying to show his love. After some time he thinks maybe reader doesn't have an interest in him like he does with them. He asks directly if they think of him in a romantic and more intimate way at all. Everything turns out okay he understands and comforts the reader

pairing: yoongi x reader.

genre: fluff, just pure fluff with some silliness bcuz we all need to be silly.

warnings: this made me miss yoongi even more so, beware, in case you miss him just like I do.

A/N: thank u so much for this req! I just realised that it's slightly different than what you've requested, but I hope that's okay and that you enjoy reading regardless <3. You're very welcome if u wanna request more stuff or just reach out to me.

PS. English is not my first language, so u know the drill.

ᵎᵎ 𖦹彡⋆｡˚・ ─ ・ ⋯ ・ ─ �� ♡₊˚๑

to a person whose only romantic experience was that in books and movies, meeting yoongi was like jumping off of 4 stairs at once as a child, scary but so damn exciting and fun. it was like picking up a book in a language you've been trying to learn for while, full of complex for a beginner like you.

it took you some time to get used to his presence in your life. to him. it's not like you didn't enjoy it, it was far away from that actually, but he was your first, after all.

the two of you hadn't been official for that long, though. after many moon cycles of pining and awkward, shy interactions, it all bloomed at once, and suddenly, you officially got your first boyfriend.

you were planning to go on a proper date, after the previous one had miserably failed (a tale to tell for another day), only for it to be met with a heavy rain storm. yoongi ended up apologizing, and offered you an indoors dinner, some cuddles and a movie for the night.

after finishing your meal, he held your hand in his and led you to the living room, where he had prepared a cozy setting with snacks and wine.

he noticed the way your body tensed every time he initiated any kind of physical connection between the two of you. at first, he didnt think much of it, assuming it was because just the beginning of your relationship. he was also well aware that you've never dated anyone before, so it was only natural for you to be awkward with that.

he really understood. after all, he himself wasn't a fan of skin ship and was extremely shy as well. he almost always tried to initiate it for you, because of how caring and loving you are towards him. you always took care of him, something he's very grateful for. and so, he made sure to remind himself to show you that he does with those little gestures of affection every now and then.

but then, he started noticing more frequently. everytime he attempted to hug you, hold your hand, peck your face, or even those two times he almost just leaned in to kiss your lips—but stopped halfway. and each time his worry reaches the tip of his toungue, waiting to be spilled in the form of a question, he always ends up letting it slip when you quickly brush it off and comply to whatever he wanted to do.

"thank you for the dinner, it was really good." you said, watching as yoongi's face lit up with a grin. his hand affectionately ruffled the top of your head, a habit of his that you've grown fond of the more often he did it. suddenly, he reached out for his phone, tapping a few buttons and a soft, slow beat rode the air of the room.

dropping his phone on the sofa, he put his left hand out and asked, "may I have a dance with you, darling?"

chuckling, you nodded and intertwined your fingers with his.

he pulled you in, chest flush against his with his free hand resting on your waist. then, he started swaying both of your bodies to the music.

"you're welcome, darling." he replied, kissing your cheek. he sensed your body tensing again, this time your fists tightening on top of his shoulders, and he hummed.

"I would very much like to kiss you right now."

eyes widening, you froze in your place when you heard his whisper. you felt your cheeks burning up. it took you off guard. your brain struggled to figure out what to say or do next, so you just stood there and stared at him. it's happening.

in books and movies, first kisses are that thing that everyone gets to experience at one point in their life, but not everyone gets to enjoy it. and right now, thinking about the possibility of yoongi not liking your first kiss is not helping calm your nervous system at all.

"can I..?" he pleaded, eyes never leaving yours with a tiny hint of a smirk appearing on his face.

"i- I've never done this before, I don't wanna ruin it for you and-" you stuttered nervously as you averted your eyes. the change of the atmosphere was starting to feel way too overwhelming for you, and all you could think about was how he'd feel like once he realises how bad you are at this.

"hey, look at me." once again, and with a very gentle voice, yoongi whispered. his finger gently rested under your chin and lifted your head. his eyes, ever so caring and tender, soothed your nerves down. you swallowed what remained stuck in your throat of concerns.

"it's okay if you've never experienced this before. and I'm not gonna force you to do it, now or any other time, if you don't want me to. but I really would like to show you just how amazing it feels, so please allow me to do so." he added.

you took a deep breathe in and slowly nodded. even though you've been together for just a couple of weeks, you love yoongi, and you trust him. you know he's never gonna do anything that's gonna end up hurting you in any possible way, and you've always been thankful for how respectful and thoughtful he is.

"o-okay..." you finally agreed, giving him his much desired green light.

"okay." he smiled, "let me ask again. Is it okay if I kiss you right here and now?"

"yes, please.."

like a kid that finally got permission to open his first birthday present of the day, yoongi leaned in and gently met your lips with his.

the first kiss was not like that of the movies, it was light and short. yoongi pulled back, eyes finding yours again as to make sure nothing went wrong. it took you a moment to regain your senses again, but you smiled sheepishly after a few heart beats, reassuring him that everything was fine, and he leaned in again. this time, he pulled your body closer to his, one hand gently holding your wasit and the other cupping your jaw.

he did all the work, and you just stood there with your eyes closed, focusing on the warmth of his skin against yours. he realised that you weren't sure where to put your hands when your balled up fists clenched on his sleeves, so he gently guided them to the back of his neck.

it all felt so new, so refreshing. your stomach felt so funny, and your heart beat so fast against your chest. the sound of heavy raindrops landing on the window, along with the music that's still playing in the room, was distant. all you could feel was his chest against yours, his lips pressing against yours. his hands gently holding your face and his fingers caressing your cheeks.

shortly after, you tapped his shoulder in panick as it started getting harder to hold your breath in.

yoongi pulled out, face inches away from yours, and panted, "I'm sorry. got caught up in the feeling of your honey lips."

looking at him up this close, he looked so pretty. red tinted cheeks and cherry plumped up lips. you suddenly really wanted to kiss him more. your face flushed a deep, rosy red at that thought.

chuckling, you hid your face in both of your hands and crouched down.

"hey, relax. it's okay." yoongi chuckled softly and crouched down next to you, running his hand down your back and lifting your face, "you're so red, are you alright?" he teased.

you whined and hugged his torso, hiding your face in his chest.

"was it that bad?" he continued to joke, giggling as he enjoyed your reaction.

"it was amazing, I loved it a lot." when you lifted your face and looked up at him, he saw your eyes sparkling with joy, and perhaps some gratitude. yoongi leaned down and kissed your forehead.

"how'd you like your first kiss, my lady?" he asked, and you hummed.

"thank you, you're literally the best. I don't deserve you."

"don't say that. you deserve the best. I cannot believe I've waited this long to kiss you."

you chuckled, "it's only been two weeks, yoongi."

"and what about it? have you seen yourself? your lips?!"

you slap his back playfully, giggling at his dramatic silliness before looking back up at him, "I can't believe I've been anxious about it this whole time." you pouted.

"it's okay, darling. it's all new to you. today, it's a kiss, tomorrow, something much better is coming your way." he chuckled.

"yoongi!" you slap him again. perhaps, this time with a little bit more of strength to emphasize your exclamation.

[axcel-lucci]

Fishman!Law X human!reader

A/n: so apparently fishes lay eggs... ehem... also, I tried my best :P

Tw: smut. Dirty... dirty smut.

My masterlist

(Y/n) and Law have been together for a long time now, Perhaps 2 years tops? Even she wasn't sure.

Law had saved her from nearly drowning one time, when she was thrown off the ship by her own fellow crewmembers.

He brought her to his home, which was just an underwater cave that had looped around to a big massive dome with a pond in the middle, how does it work? (y/n) and Law questions to this day.

"Hmm... law" she called as they had entered his home once more

"Yeah...?" Law hummed as he placed her down so she can change from her wet swimsuit to some dry clothes she keeps in there.

His eyes were gold with inky black surrounding it, his arms had scales but he had the ability to make them blend into his skin as he was drying off, his four arms looked so delicious with his muscled chest making her stare a bit before snapping back

"I was wondering, I researched some things about this and that."

"This and that?" He raised a brow at this and looked at her while she looked at him with a tilted head. 'fuck-- she looks so damn cute-' he thought to himself but played it cool

"Yeah. You know, about fishmen? I wonder if... fish and fishmen are the same? I mean... they are both fishes, one is just... human like?" She asked herself the last part

"And what did you discover?" He turned to now look at her fully as he was dried up

She hesitated for a bit before shrugging, "that fish lay eggs" she said before stepping over to him and look him in the eyes with pure fascination, "can you lay eggs?"

Law was beyond embarrassed and ashamed at this point.

Yes, fishmen do indeed lay eggs, after all, they're just evolved versions of fish so that's not really something that should change.

He cleared his throat, "i-i mean... we do but... it's weird to explain, so bare with me"

She got all excited and nodded before he motioned for them to sit down at his big soft bed

"We can lay eggs, but... the eggs usually form in the female's body. Though... some types of fish can lay eggs without any other DNA in it... I'm still researching how that is even possible."

"Oh..." she hummed, mesmerized, "so... you can't lay eggs?"

Law debated whether to be truthful or not, eventually he settled to be truthful. He sighed deeply, "my... bloodline can lay eggs without... you know..." he blushed intensely

"I see" she nods with a smile, "but how does that feel though? Like... do you produce eggs while cu-"

"Shut--!" He cuts her off with a hand on her mouth and him blushing furiously

She giggled, "I understand Law." She smiled before kissing his cheek, "do you mind if I use your desk for a bit? I need to finish my homework..." she cried

"Oh that's right, you decided to go back to college, right?"

"Yep...! I want to provide for myself not by stealing or fighting, I want honest money." She said excitedly

"Sure, go ahead." He smiled softly before pressing a kiss against her lips, "just make sure to clean up right after."

"Thanks Law...!"

Later...

"(Y/n)" he called as she hummed from the desk, "I've been thinking... I want to live with you." He states making her pause

"What...?"

"I want to live with you, I want to be with you, not just periodically. I want to move in with you, now that you're back to school, you need someone to take care of you." He states as she paused her studying all together to get up and sit down next to him on the bed

"Are you sure? What about... this? Your home? Aren't you gonna miss it? It's not like you can carry stuff in and out of here" she mumbled

"I can visit from time to time I suppose" he nods, "I can figure it out. Don't worry"

"If you say so..." she smiled and kissed him deeply

He smiled as well before reciprocating the kiss which eventually lead to one thing and the other, the two eventually making out heavily on the bed while slowly shedding off clothes.

Law only had a few articles of clothing making him growl and basically tearing her clothes off of her

"L-law...!" She gasped and covered herself in embarrassment

"Hey now. Don't be shy" he pouted before taking her hands and placing them over her head, leaving him with three free hands that started exploring making her gasp and whine at every whim.

"Those were my favourite pajamas...!" She huffed with a pout

"I can buy you another" he smirked.

Truth be told, despite being a fishman, he's a high paying doctor with a reasonable time. (Which itself was quite rare to begin with)

She just pouted even more making him chuckle and kiss her

She then gasped once more when he pulled her legs away and his other hand play with the wet flower that bloomed in between

"Mmh... I haven't done anything yet and you're already wet... this is our first time, no?" He asks before kissing her again and pushing his fingers inside.

She moaned and threw her head back, Law physically grinned darkly before biting and sucking on her skin as a way to mark what's his, which was all of her

"L-law...!" She whined as her back arched when his fingers brushed against the spot inside her

"Oh... here?" He smirked before playing with the spot making her see stars and eventually come undone with shaky legs and gasping for air. As well as being dazed enough to not realize his hold on her was disappearing for him to take off his own clothes.

"S-so big..." she muttered once she grounded herself when she saw his member, "would that... fit?"

"We can always make it fit" he smirked as his hand then trapped her wrists together over her head once more and his other two hands secure her legs over his shoulders and eventually holding unto her hips.

His remaining free hand took hold of his own member and rubbed it against her wet entrance teasingly making her whine, begging for him to continue

"Alright..." he smirked before starting to push himself inside.

The sheer size of him made her walls stretch unforgivingly as she gasped and moan at how hot it suddenly felt

"L-law...! A-ah... wait..." she gasped once he's fully inside, "s-so big..."

"So tight" he groaned with a chuckle as his free hand from before gripped her thighs and started to grind against her and bite his own lip

"Law-" she gasped before starting to moan and whine

"You're ready" he muttered before gripping her hips rather tightly and raising them to a comfortable position only for him to mercilessly start to pound and abuse her cunt in the most pleasurable way possible.

Causing her to toss and turn in her position while gasping, moaning, and even whining for him to go faster despite his already rough pace

"Faster? Heh... why not." He smirked before adjusting their position swiftly and fulfilled her request by going in and out of her poor sorry cunt as fast and as roughly as he could

It didn't take long for (y/n) to come around him once the tip of his own dick started pressing against her cervix with immense pleasure.

With her coming around him, it just fueled him more as she gripped him rather tightly, sucking him back in as it grew slippery around him, letting him go in and out as much as he wanted.

He could feel his own release coming and his dick feeling heavier and heavier with his eggs.

(Y/n) could already feel the outline of his eggs inside his dick, ready to burst

"W-wait law" she gasped, "I don't think-"

"Shh..." he leaned down to her ear and bite it rather harshly, "just keep moaning like the pretty human that you are."

She gasped and moaned as she felt another climax build up inside her and suddenly release.

Law couldn't take the heaviness anymore and just shoved himself deep inside and release all the eggs stored in his body along with his warm cum.

(Y/n) moaned loudly at the feeling of the eggs filling her up, some of it even pressed rather dangerously against her cervix, one move and the eggs would directly go inside it.

By now there was a bulge by her lower abdomen and the eggs kept coming making her moan and beg law to put it somewhere else

"What a GREAT idea" he grinned darkly before pulling her hips so that he could press deeper inside her and his tip basically pressing against the cervix, the eggs started to enter her deeper inside making her gasp and moan even more

"L-law...! Not in there- I won't be able to- ahh-!" She moaned loudly as her legs shook violently, her insides was now probably filled with his eggs and she doesn't know how to take them out.

It just formed a lumpy bulge on her abdomen making her pant heavily and moan even more until the very last one of his egg slipped past her cervix and deep inside her womb.

"L-law..." she moaned once he slowly pulled out and a few eggs were already starting to spill out but he only put them back and prevented any of them to get out.

"Shh... it feels so good, Huh?" He bit his lower lip once she started squirming and the eggs moving inside her rather deliciously.

"L-law... please... how-" she gasped once law plugged that hole up with some device most fishmen use on their partners so the eggs don't escape.

"I said shh" he rolled his eyes and laid down beside her, he felt her legs immediately close and tighten before rubbing against each other, "hey now. Don't tell me you're getting off of our babies being inside you, Huh?"

"B-but law..." she looked at him with such cute eyes but he already saw those eyes a million times before and not be affected by it

"This calls for some punishment" he chuckled before flipping her over so that her chest was against the bed, his hands once again trapped her in place before thrusting inside her unprepared ass making her scream in pleasure.

"L-law...! You're not planning to-"

"I so am" he smirked before starting to thrust more harsher than before.

Her whines and moans, coupled with her begging for more, despite complaining about what's inside her womb being rubbed against her.

"I'm close" Law chuckled making her moan, "law... please."

Her voice was hoarse at this point. And just like before, his dick grew heavy until he can't take it anymore and spill his eggs inside her now wet anus as she moaned with tears in her eyes.

It felt so much more erotic, being filled with eggs on both sides as he plugs the holes up tightly, not letting any of the eggs escape

"There. We can just clear them tomorrow" he chuckled before laying down beside her spent form, a now large buldge on her abdomen as he softly strokes it's lumpy surface, "you know... I don't mind you giving birth to my children" he hummed at the idea

"Law!"

"Just kidding, don't worry. We can take them out safely tomorrow, even the ones inside your ass and those that were pushed through your cervix." He smirked at the mental image of (y/n) being so full of his eggs they start to slip out themselves.

She grumbled before eventually drifting off to sleep while Law watches intently and kissing her cheek.

"I don't think I'll be able to control myself tomorrow..." he chuckled to himself.

He eventually drifts off as well with a hand on her abdomen.

[genericpuff]

The Kiss Bet Episode 172 - Hot Pot and Venting About How I Want My 70 Cents Back

Okay, look, this isn't a post I was expecting to make today but it's something that just happened and I have to fucking talk about, so let me preface this with some context.

I had to buy coins recently and because I switched to using my iPad for reading comics on, I got a "new reader" type deal from Webtoons for a coin bundle that got me like 100 coins for $5; because technically it was a 'new account' as Webtoons operates their in-game currency model on apps, not on actual emails (meaning if you use the app on an Android phone and then switch to an Apple iOS device, they're technically two separate accounts which you sync the reading data between via the account info linked via the email, therefore they have two separate coin wallets).

So with more coins than I knew what to do with, I decided to start FastPassing The Kiss Bet again, which I had recently stopped FP'ing around the S3 mark, as it's recently devolved back into the "will they won't they" trope, but instead of between Sara-Lin and Joe, it's between Sara-Lin and Joe's younger brother (the "true endgame") Oliver.

Now I don't mind the ship in essence. Joe was definitely not gonna be endgame, it was always gonna be Oliver, anyone who's read any amount of romance before - especially high school romances - knows how this shit tends to go, and The Kiss Bet isn't exactly trying to be groundbreaking or subversive in any way, it knows exactly what it's about and what it's trying to accomplish.

But it's almost become a little too good at this. Because in playing the "will they won't they" game for so long with a character that we know is endgame, it's basically been weeks and weeks and weeks of-

That said, after I caught up on the recent FP episodes, it seemed like stuff was finally moving a little bit. We were finally meeting Oliver's mom and his stepdad who he has a fractured relationship with, Joe was finally getting with his true endgame girl, Vicky (who's totally not an exact genderbent version of Joe lmao) and Sara-Lin was finally realizing she had feelings for Oliver.

And then the newest episode came out, Episode 172 - Hot Pot and Venting.

CAUTION: FASTPASS SPOILERS FOR THE KISS BET OFFICIALLY BEGIN HERE!

Already I was a little petty over the title like "lmao ok clunky title but whatever". I swept it off as not a genuine criticism, just me being a nitpicking asshole over what's essentially Fluff: The Comic.

The episode cost 7 coins, which is about roughly 70 cents, albeit closer to a dollar for Canadian readers (here's something they don't tell you about Canada - our Monopoly game currency is just as fucked as it looks) and that's where I'm gonna get into my second disclaimer that I need to be perfectly clear about (and it'll be what we get more into later on in this post).

I understand the principle of paying for art. I understand fully that many of these webtoons are being produced on tight deadlines by creators who often can only afford 1-2 assistants, if any at all. I understand and fully agree that creators deserve to be paid for their skills, time, and efforts, not just as creators working on the hellsite that is Webtoons, but as artists in general who deserve to make a living the same as anyone else. Anyone who follows my stuff here knows I'm an artist myself so I would never debate the ethical necessity of paying artists for their work.

However.

I can say that, and also agree with the people who have stated in discussion circles such as on /r/webtoons that a lot of the comics that have started charging 7 coins have been suspiciously delivering less comic since. And it's not even so much in the literal panel count, the liquid volume of these comics have remained the same, but the calorie count has dropped significantly. Food metaphors aside, what I mean is that despite many of these comics maintaining their 40-60 minimum panel count requirement, they have in fact reduced the actual amount of content that happens in them, and The Kiss Bet's newest episode is a stark example of what I mean.

I am going to start by posting only post three panels - three panels that literally sum up the entirety of Episode 172 and what it chooses to spend its time on.

That is it. That is literally all that's established in this episode. I'd tell you to go read it yourself, but honestly, this is genuinely one of those rare times I can honestly say that a 40+ panel episode is not worth 70 cents and you'd be better off, and that's saying a LOT when these episodes are only priced at the cost of a gumball. At least Lore Olympus has entertainment in how bad it is most of the time, Episode 172 of The Kiss Bet is just nothing. You will literally get more substance and flavor from an actual gumball.

Literally every other panel in this episode is either repeating the same dialogue (Sara-Lin saying the same thing multiple different times to express how Oliver is holding her hand or how his stepdad is a dick) and then Sara-Lin and Oliver staring at each other. Over. And over. Again.

I am not joking. I did not cut anything out in that sequence. That is where the episode ends. Complete nothingburger, seemingly cut off right as it was just getting started like Cait Corrain's career.

Out of the entire episode, there were 45 panels. So I can safely assume Ingrid's minimum panel requirement is at least 40 per episode, that's me assuming the best that she didn't exactly meet her panel minimum at 45 panels on the dot.

Out of those 45 panels, there were:

Two actual unique backgrounds that weren't gradients or just a single piece of furniture

4 separate panels of Sara-Lin freaking out over Oliver holding her hand and wondering if he even noticed

10 panels of Sara-Lin staring at Oliver either dumbfounded or asking him to repeat himself (or apologizing over nothing)

5 panels of the characters saying nothing

11 panels of Sara-Lin repeating information in different ways that could have been accomplished in half that time

Two separate occasions of Oliver getting Sara's attention from off-panel, literally formatted the exact same way both times (and both followed by reaction panels of Sara-Lin staring at him dumbfounded)

Way too many panels of Sara-Lin blushing in response to Oliver being an asshole tbh like literally this guy's a douchebag, Joe may have been the "out of her league" love interest but at least he was nice and didn't treat Sara-Lin like someone who just bought a Husky as a "starter pet" ???

Again, I don't usually like being a dick about the coin costs, and I definitely don't like being a hypocrite in telling people they should pay artists for their work while simultaneously posting their paywalled content like this, but I think there does come a point where it feels more irresponsible for people to not be aware of what they're about to pay for and how little they're going to be getting. This episode is literally one of the best - and worst - examples of how far the romance genre has fallen on the platform - when it's not being overtaken and oversaturated by problematic series that romanticize abuse and sexual assault, it's being dragged to death with the most boring executions of tropes that everyone has seen before and is only exciting for anyone who's never read a book or watched a romance movie, period.

And here's the thing where I do approach a bit more "hot take" territory, but every time I see this argument come up about episodes not being worth the coin cost, I see others who rightfully argue that 70 cents isn't that much to pay for what you're getting - weekly episodes of work that are usually always delivered on time, with more panels than you would ever typically see in a free to read comic.

But here's where I take issue with that argument, as much as the principle of it is sound, it misses the overall point: readers are paying for entertainment first and foremost, so can anyone who's actually paying for regular refills on their app currency step away from this and truly call it "entertainment"? Nothing was gained. The comic had 45 panels to say something, anything, and managed to not even squeak out so much of a word. Even the silent moments have no substance, they just reiterate information that we already know.

Do we really need another panel of Sara-Lin blushing at Oliver? We've known for weeks now that she has a crush on him. Do we really need another panel of Oliver getting Sara-Lin's attention? What is this actually showing of their chemistry? What is being shown here that hasn't been shown numerous times - with and without dialogue - for weeks now? What does the comic have to show for itself after four seasons?

Another point of the "it's just 70 cents, don't be an asshole" argument that people seem to miss is it's not 70 cents. It's $1. Because if you want to buy a single episode of the Kiss Bet, you can't just pay for the individual episode in isolation, you have to pay for the coins first, and $1 is the absolute bare minimum you have to pay to get 10 coins, which will only pay for one episode of a 7 coin series - of which there are many now, basically any series that's 40 panels or more will cost 7 coins and, shocker, those are the series that WT will tend to promote most, you'll rarely see the 5 coins series in the banner ads, and that's not even getting into how there are more and more series cropping up that have 5+ episodes behind FP rather than the traditional three.

So if you're someone who's (almost definitely) keeping up with more than one series? You can't just pay the $1, you have to pay at least $5 for 50 coins, and that will NOT go far anymore or cut as evenly as it used to when just about every series is now 7 coins. Webtoons knows fully well what kind of game they're playing by making the new coin cost an uneven number while still offering increments of 5/10 in their coin bundles. They undoubtedly want you to be left with an uneven number so that you'll be easily lured into buying more coins so you don't 'waste' the uneven amount you have left that isn't enough to buy the episodes for the series you want to read. Obviously this is more speculation and not fact, but it's a common business model and with the series that have adopted the 7 coin count model (rather than starting off with 7 coins outright) such as The Kiss Bet and Lore Olympus, it's becoming abundantly clear that either the creators or the platform itself is encouraging these series to meet their panel minimums with as little content as possible in order to get more money out of readers who are barely even being drip fed actual entertainment and narrative progression, let alone spoon fed.

And then there's the waiting. The goddamn waiting. So many of these series guilty of siphoning their content off through a hose that they're deliberately standing on are designed intentionally with the most egregious cliffhangers in mind to keep their audience hooked so they'll undoubtedly FP next week. Do you know what that amount of waiting does to a comic? To its readers? First off, it artificially extends the actual pacing of the comic to make it feel longer than it is, when in reality, many of these plotlines are happening in a vacuum of very short bursts of time. Case in point, Lore Olympus is commonly confused for having a plotline that takes place over the course of months, when actually when laid end to end in order of cause and effect, many of its subplots - including the romance of Hades and Persephone - takes place over the course of days. This over-inflates the plotline's actual depth and, even worse so, it makes it harder for readers to keep up with information that's being delivered, as it often takes weeks for that information to actually go anywhere - so by the time it does, many readers have straight up forgotten about it.

It's absolutely not okay that so many of these kinds of series are normalizing literal slow burning for an audience who's paying to be entertained. It's not a "slow burn". It's just slow, and deliberately so. It's absolutely NOT FUN to follow a comic that does not go anywhere week after week. It's frustrating. And before long, it starts to feel like gambler's fallacy, where readers have to essentially gaslight themselves into paying into it more and more convinced that it has to pay off eventually, based on a promise that was never actually made, only assumed in good faith. And readers should not have to fill in the bulk of the content that isn't happening with their own imaginations, which is something that happens a LOT in these series that spend so much time on the characters just staring at each other and saying nothing. It's not 'plot' to just draw characters blushing and have your audience fill in the rest of it entirely on their own. This is certainly a technique in writing, but in the case of The Kiss Bet and other comics like it, it's much less of a valid technique and more just flat out manipulating your audience into falling so hard into the sunk cost fallacy trap that they don't notice they're being robbed blind by the plot that hasn't actually happened - and they've been paying for that financial and emotional robbery out of their own pockets and brains every step of the way.

Again, I do not care about the coin cost in and of itself, seventy cents IS still an incredibly cheap price for weekly updates of a series that has to put out so many panels each week. But as a reader and a customer, I should not be leaving these updates with less information than what I started with. And I'm someone who's incredibly old school by webcomic standards, there are comics that I follow that have updated 1-2 pages a week for over a decade that manage to do more with their limited pages than Lore Olympus and The Kiss Bet manage to do after entire hiatuses filled with pre-production time.

Why does this page of Alfie manage to move both the intrinsic plot of the titular character as well as the external plot that's going on around her in one page made up of 5 panels better than what The Kiss Bet can do in 45?

Why does this page of Tamberlane manage to convey more information about the world's lore and the people in it in a way that's emotionally driven and clearly affecting the characters without outright info-dumping than what Lore Olympus has managed to spit out onto its plate since S3 started over a year ago?

How does Tales from Alderwood manage to be more entertaining and convey more meaningful storytelling through its characters in a single page consisting of zero dialogue than what The Kiss Bet can convey in its silent panels of staring, blushing, and repetitive stuttering?

Why are the creators who are relying entirely on their own efforts, resources, and ability to generate income through community interaction and support putting out better work with less panels and on slower schedules for FREE than what we're seeing from professional creators on a professional publishing platform who are being paid to do this as their job?

There's this saying in the tattooing industry: good work isn't cheap and cheap work isn't good.

At this point, 70 cents is not a 'bargain' as many people like to argue in defense of the creators. And while I do want to have good faith in the creators who don't pull this shit, the creators who clearly go above and beyond to do what they do in the pursuit of storytelling and polishing their craft to be the best piece of work that it can be - the comics that are worth paying 70 cents and beyond for - are not the comics that Webtoons is promoting to people. The creators of the works that genuinely deserve more than 70 cents per update are being left to fend for themselves without support from the platform, while those that aren't worth the price of even a flavorless gumball are consistently winning the Wonka Golden Ticket lottery.

The cost of 70 cents is relative. For some works it's a genuine bargain. For others like the The Kiss Bet and Lore Olympus, 70 cents is not a "bargain", it's not a "good deal", it's exactly the value of what you're paying for - cheap work that isn't good.

[destiel-wings]

I hope you don't mind me asking, but what are your thoughts on angel x buffy? :)

Hii i don't mind, thank you for asking 😊

So, I used to love bangel sooooo much when i first watched the show. I was 100% into it, (with a crush for Boreanaz too) and i cried so much for them in s2 and when Angel left the show in s3. And I truly, sincerely, unironically hated Spike too (I thought he was a great character but i just loved hating him, you know? Lol). When we saw Spike's dream of kissing Buffy I swear i felt nauseous.

... and then they aired Fool for love.

By the end of that episode I was left in utter existential crisis in front of my tv because i felt my whole world shift. There was a part of me that still liked Angel and Buffy, but there was also this new part that wanted her to be with Spike now.

So anyway, that's when i decided to switch teams and i became team spuffy, and for as much as i had been obsessed with bangel before, it was nothing compared to how deep i was caught into the Buffy and Spike relationship. I never looked back. They were just much more complex and real and compelling. And it made me reevaluate Angel and her relationship with him too. Angel never really knew Buffy, always treated her like a child, and let's be honest--and that's something that hit me only years later when I got older--she was a child when they were together. He was spying on her and falling in love with her when she was just fifteen years old and he was a 240-year-old vampire who had been sired at like 26 years old, and they got together when she was 16/17 and he broke up with her when she turned 18... I don't think that's something the writers did intentionally of course, because (as everything else in buffy) it's just meant to be taken as a metaphor for the ideals and struggles and the intensity of drama of a girl's first love, but it still comes off as icky.

And before anyone comes at me, I know spuffy isn't healthy either, but that's kinda the point and the appeal. First of all, it's fiction and a metaphor, and secondly, it's about two broken people that are supposed to be mortal enemies but are actually two sides of the same coin, so different and yet so much the same, who can understand each other as a whole, light and darkness, in a way that no one else ever could, who yes, hurt each other along the way, but whose love saved them from the deepest darkness, ultimately bringing them into the light.

This is what spuffy is to me, and this is why i think it's not only the superior ship, but one of the best ships of all time (thee best, until i saw destiel, now they're sharing the podium).

So anyway, to get back to your question, the moment i became obsessed with Buffy and Spike (and i have been ever since 2005, lmao, they've been my first real obsession, alongside btvs, until spn and destiel) Angel sort of became the enemy 😅. And I hated him so so so so so much when he appeared in 7x21 and kissed Buffy (pure fanservice, but okay) and brought the medallion that ultimately killed Spike. So i spent years very maturely holding my vendetta against Angel (like, rooting for every demon that fought against him when I watched Angel, lmaoo). In most recent years, I've (sort of) made my peace with the character, after rewatching Angel. I mean he's still the enemy (of course, duh!! Who am i if not eternally petty??) but i appreciate him in his own show.

So i don't ship Angel and Buffy anymore, but I can understand why someone would (as i myself used to), and more importantly, i respect other people's right to ship them.

If we're joking, I'm going to insult Angel and keep saying he's the enemy. But on a mature serious note, I think Buffy and Angel were a great first love (for Buffy), but they were supposed to be just that, the impossible teenage girl's dream of a first love, eternal but doomed to end and break your heart.

I think Angel was much more well paired with Cordelia (which is something I'd never think I'd say), and i found myself shipping them so much when I rewatched the show. It felt so much more mature and profound than what we saw with Buffy and Angel (and that's probably due to the fact that we got slow burn for them - as we did for Buffy and Spike- and could actually see the feelings growing, while Buffy crushed on Angel in the pilot and she was madly in love (as teenagers do) in 0.5 seconds for no apparent reason than the fact that he was hot and mysterious.

So when I say the kiss in btvs 7x21 makes zero sense, I'm not just talking about spuffy, but also about cangel. I feel like both characters parted ways and lived on in their own shows to grow and become their own persons, developing other relationships that were more adult and meaningful, and that kiss was just disrespectful for both (but anyways, it doesn't change anything).

I have so many thoughts about all this honestly, and I hope I haven't gone too much off the tangent with my reply, but i couldn't just give you a simple reply because that would've had to be something like "angel is the enemy and i don't like bangel" but as you can see my thoughts are a little more complex than that 😅

[bones4thecats]

Hi, hi~ Could I ask headcanons for Leonidas if he has a child who wants to match him with Geirölul and how would he and Geirölul react? (Reader can be gn or fem <3)

Kisses kisses~

– Mel🌙🩵✨

Type of Writing: Request Characters: Leonidas and Geirölul Name: Leonidas' Child! Reader Tries Matching Him and Geirölul Up Requester: @m3l-moony

A/N: I don't personally ship these two, but their friendship is something I find so cute, since they're so similar to one another. For this, they're not feeling romantic, rather, they're just friends, this is also an AU where he defeats Apollo. I hope that's alright!

✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅

✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅

🚬 You were the heir of Sparta, the only child of King Leonidas I, and it only happening because he found you during one of his many conquests against the Persians

🚬 Leonidas would watch as you mess around with his army members' children with the largest smile plastered on your face and your adorable laugh echoing through his ears

🚬 When he was called for Ragnarok, you protested, saying how you didn't want to lose him again, like how you watched him die in the Battle of Thermopylae

🚬 He sent most of his army away, and they tried taking you with them, but your stubbornness conflicted them and you died alongside your father

🚬 Now, hearing you may have to watch him die again? You were breaking down fast

🚬 Assuring you that he would win against the arrogant and selfish God, Apollo, you watched as the Sun God erupted into shards of glass and smiled as Humanity cried victorious chants for your father, making you smile and run to meet him at the entrance

🚬 Leonidas was happy when you finally got to meet his Valkyrie, Geirölul, because they were so similar in personality, you assumed that they should be more, which leads us to her part...

✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅

✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅

❤️‍🔥 When Leonidas' army cheered for him, she heard a large cry out happiness and the sound of small footsteps approaching her and Leonidas from behind

❤️‍🔥 She turned around and saw Leonidas reach out and hug a small child, looking at them with the most adoration she had ever seen someone look at another in her entire lifetime

❤️‍🔥 Geirölul and you got along very well, since she and your father were so similar, and that made you bond with her a lot faster than you did with any of Leonidas' fellow Human Fighters

❤️‍🔥 She would watch you whenever he was busy, and after a while, you began to see her as another parental figure, and when you voiced that to her sister, Alvitr

❤️‍🔥 Leonidas and Geirölul looked at each other when her sister voiced the conversation you had with her earlier that day and they laughed, saying you were a kid and this was normal

❤️‍🔥 Oh boy, were they wrong!

❤️‍🔥 You would hold Leonidas' hand and then hold Geirölul's, allowing them to swing you around, as if they were the parents and you were the only child in the perfect family troupe

❤️‍🔥 She and Leonidas eventually understood you actually wanted them to be together, but, they only saw one another as friends, sometimes siblings whenever they bickered or bonded with you, nothing more

❤️‍🔥 It was unfortunate to break that to you, but after handing you a small bag of sweets for you to enjoy, if you managed to catch them

✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋆⋄✧⋄⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅

They both have different reactions when it comes to this scenario;

Leonidas

" I love my child, and I do want them to feel like they have a real family, but, Geirölul and I are only very good friends. Though, it is still nice to see how understanding my youngster is, despite the situation. I'm happy the two of them still get along, Geirölul's a good influence, to me at least. "

Geirölul

" They are the sweetest thing I have ever met, but, much like Leonidas, I do not view our relationship as anything other than platonic. I adore how understanding his child was, even though we did kinda crush their goals with a few words. They're a good kid. "

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[writeyouin]

Greetings! I would like to request something from wonderful you! How about a scenario with the Jettwins (you can choose if poly or not) were they have a bot-reader thats carrying their sparkling? Like from when they find out and when the Sparkling is 'born'. It would be hilarious if the Sparkling ended up being not one but two, twin sparklings and they're the most mischief little things in the world. Sentinel fears them. They know that. They use it as their advantage. Thank you for your time! :D

Poly-Jetfire & Jetstorm X Bot-Reader – Sparklings

A/N – For those of you who don’t know, a solar-cycle is 1 day, and a Deca-cycle is 10 days.

Warnings – None.

Rating – T

“Not too fast.”

“Be going easy now.”

“Don’t try transforming.”

“Let me carry that.”

You sighed, giving up on the box that you were supposed to take to Sentinel’s office aboard the ship he now commanded in Magnus’ temporary absence. Jetstorm rushed in to grab it, grinning proudly and opening his mouth to add another comment about what you should or shouldn’t do now that you were carrying sparklings.

Jetfire, who had been just as bad, nodded sagely as you tuned them out, closing your optics for a moment while you vented out some air, trying to keep your composure.

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to do as Jetstorm threw the box down and both twins rushed to your side, holding on to you as if you keep you from falling.

“Are you okay?”

“Are you feeling the sick?”

“Are you needing a stasis nap?”

“Should we be calling the doctor-bot?”

“Careful brother, they might be missing the Earth climate.”

“Yes, that must be it!”

You held up your servos, “Alright, that’s enough.”

“Yes, enough for the solar-cycle,” Jetfire agreed.

Jetstorm nodded vigorously, “Yes, you will be needing a rest now.”

“Boys please,” You groaned, then when forced to look upon their concerned expressions, your face melted into a gentle smile as you held out a servo for each of them to hold, bringing the three of you into a small circle.

“Jetfire, Jetstorm, you know you are everything to me. You are the spark that powers me, the circuitry inside, the wind beneath my wings,” You concluded, borrowing an idiom from Earth.

“But you don’t have wings,” They said in unison, sharing a perplexed look.

You ignored their confusion, soldiering on. “I love you both very much, and I’m just as excited to be carrying your sparklings, but I need to be able to continue living my life, just like before.”

“But the Decepticons!” The twins cried out earnestly.

“Alright, almost like before. Look, if I promise I won’t fight any more Decepticons until after the Sparklings are born, but in return, you two have to let me do my other jobs, okay? If it all gets too much, I promise that I’ll ask you for help.”

Jetfire and Jetstorm took a minute to contemplate your request, then they nodded in unison.

“Okay,” Jetstorm kissed your cheek-plate, “We promise.”

“Ja,” Jetfire pressed a servo against your carrying chamber, aiming his promise at the two lifeforms inside. “Promise.”

You vented out some air in relief, “Thank you.”

Throughout the remainder of your carrying term, Jetfire and Jetstorm kept their word, no longer treating you as if you were made from glass. They were still very attentive to your needs, bringing you extra energon rations, and ensuring that Sentinel was extra nice to you (primarily by playing Gorrila-warfare against him, Jetfire pranking him while Jetstorm rested, and vice versa if Sentinel ever acted less than nicely to you), but they also gave you space when you asked for it, and let you set the bar for what you could and couldn’t do.

Then, when it came time to birth the sparklings, the twins were glad to be part of a duo. How anyone could help their partner through birth alone was impossible for them to understand. While Jetstorm stayed with you in the Medical Bay, Jetfire transformed, flying stupidly fast to get the ship’s medical bot.

There was no argument as to who would get to stay, and who would go; they seemed to have worked that out among themselves beforehand. Then, when Jetfire returned with a shell-shocked doc-bot clinging onto the outside of his cockpit, the pair combined into Safeguard to hold your servo.

The birth was relatively standard as far as Cybertronian births went. There was little pain, and the doc-bot ensured that you were as comfortable as could be and that the sparklings were healthy. The one thing that nobody expected was that you weren’t carrying two sparklings like the preliminary scans had shown, but four; the other two hiding behind their siblings. They were considerably smaller, mini-bots by right.

For that alone, Safeguard disbanded, becoming Jetfire and Jetstorm so they could each hold one sparkling while you laid on the berth, holding the remaining two, one in each arm.

“This is incredible, brother,” Jetfire grinned ecstatically.

“That is being the understatement,” Jetstorm laughed.

“I cannot wait to be telling everybody, right (Y/N)!”

You didn’t reply, staying quiet as you looked from one sparkling to the other, your gaze darting around the room.

“(Y/N)?” The twins tried.

“What if…” You mused. “What if we didn’t tell people?”

“You do not want the people to know about our sparklings?” Jetfire said, his brow-plate furrowing in confusion.

“Just give it a few solar-cycles.”

Jetstorm looked down at the bronze sparkling in his arms, a perfect combination of his and Jetfire’s colours. “Why?”

“Think of it,” You said, your eyes aglow with mischief. “Tomorrow, Sentinel’s gonna come in, expecting two new sparklings on his ship, which he, as the Commanding Officer, has to oversee during the naming ceremony.”

The twins looked at each other, suddenly sharing your wicked grin. Yes, Sentinel would certainly be surprised.

As it was, with Sentinel’s work as head of the ship, he was a great deal busier than expected, especially with new reports from Cybertron arriving, informing him of surges in Decepticon activity. Although he was supposed to come in the next solar-cycle, it was actually a Deca-cycle till he could make it to the naming ceremony.

In that time, the sparklings had grown very slightly, and though they couldn’t walk yet, they were proficient in crawling, and they had nice strong grips, allowing them to hold onto their creator of choice.

And so the day came, with you and the twins standing proudly at the ship’s helm, Jetfire and Jetstorm each holding a sparkling, with Jazz hidden behind a control panel, struggling to hold onto the other two sparklings as they tried to escape his grip and make their way over to you.

“Easy now nuts and bolts,” He said cheerfully, using the nicknames he’d provided them, upon having been let into the prank. “You’ll go to your creator’s soon, but just hold on for a few klicks. You may be nuts and bolts, but Sentinel’s nuts and dolts, and he’s gonna get the fright of his life.”

Jazz played a low lullaby from his speakers, soothing the tiny Cybertronians, who looked so much like you. He had hold of one mini-bot and one regular bot.

Finally, Sentinel graced you with his presence and he hurriedly began his speech, taking little notice of the sparklings. All he wanted was to be as far from the new twins as possible; if they were anything like their parental twins, or you, he wanted nothing to do with them.

“And so we mark their creation, yada, yada, yada,” Sentinel huffed half-heartedly, “In the name of Primus, and so on… Skipping past the long rites, I as Captain of this ship welcome the new Cybertronians to the universe. ”

He held out his hands for the first sparkling which Jetfire brought forward.

“We named him Crosswind.”

“Right, right, Crosswind, welcome to existence,” Sentinel said, rolling his optics.

As was custom, he had to keep hold of Crosswind while he was handed the other sparkling.

“And this is his sister, Delta.”

“Right, right, Delta’s alive too,” Sentinel gabbled in a downplayed greeting, hardly fulfilling his duty as Captain. “And now, you can take your glitches back.”

He held them out to you, but you frowned, “Hang on, aren’t you forgetting something?”

“No, I am not,” Sentinel seethed, “Now, take them back!”

“Oh you’re right,” You slapped your helm comically, “You’re not forgetting something, I am.”

At this point, Jazz snuck up behind Sentinel and placed the other two sparklings on his shoulders. They gripped on and the one on Sentinel’s left pawed at his face with a chubby servo, pulling at his mouth.

“WA IN UNCONS NAME S IS!” Sentinel garbled.

You supposed it was meant to be something along the lines of ‘What in Unicron’s name is this?!’ However, with your sparkling now trying to grab his glossa, it was much more difficult for him to say.

“These,” You answered triumphantly, holding back laughter while Jetfire and Jetstorm lost it behind you, their laughter crackling with static as they doubled over, holding onto one another for support, “are our other two boys. Throttle & Wing Walker.”

Sentinel, after regaining his composure hurried out a quick welcome and then practically hurled the sparklings at the three of you.

“Double the ship’s speed,” He ordered Jazz on the way out of the room. “I want them all on Cybertron and far, far away from me.”

And so it was that you held your sparklings and the twins having been brought into a group hug by them, as the seven of you made your way back home, ready to start your life as a new family.

[theredengineapologist]

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone! 💙❤

Of course, I had to do something Jameward for the occasion. Even though this meme is literally called "Understand my Ship in 5 Minutes", I still wanted to include some commentary/headcanons because I've been DYING to talk about them forever. So if you're interested, read on under the cut!

(Also, please note that the interpretation of the characters depicted here is specifically for my AU, TTTE: Sudrian Boys)

NAMES: For the sake of making sure their names fit in the boxes, I used the last names they picked for themselves before they got married. When they do eventually get legally married, they'll combine their last names together (a conclusion they got to after much bickering). So respectively, they will be James and Edward Hughes-Pettigrew.

GENDER + SEXUALITY:

James is GAY. GAY GAY HOMOSEXUAL GAY. Sorry not sorry, but there is not a woman-liker bone in his body.

Edward, on the other hand is bi. Part of me thinks he tends to prefer the company of men, but maybe that's just because there's significantly more male engines on Sodor. Also he is nonbinary. This will be something I explore later. But to summarize, Edward never felt entirely male in the strict sense that humans define it. However, he felt the need to be the consistent, steady, "old reliable" his peers saw him as, so he never questioned what others chose to call him. This changed when "The Great Shift" happened (aka, the engines learning to shift into a human-like form). Edward saw an opportunity to experiment with his presentation, and so he had a brief stint where he tried going in the opposite direction, presenting as a woman named Alice. As fun as it was, however, he found that it didn't feel quite right either. To him, "Edward" was where he felt most at home. He's not a man or a woman, he is just "Edward". Edward uses "he/they" pronouns because those feel the most neutral to them.

HORNY LEVEL: I will not be elaborating.

AWKWARDNESS LEVEL: I don't think Edward and James ever really had an "awkward phase". Before they got together, they always felt comfortable with each other as close friends would. They never really had that thing of "oh I want to tell him I like him but I also don't want him to know". Edward always knew he liked James, he just didn't say anything because he didn't think James was interested. And once James admitted to himself that he liked Edward, he confessed and it was all smooth sailing from there. To be honest, not much changed when they moved from "close friends" to "boyfriends". They still act like close friends, just with added kissing privileges.

JEALOUSY LEVEL: At the point where they're at in their relationship right now, both James and Edward are pretty secure, so it's rare for either of them to act jealous.

From Edward's perspective, he knows that James is young (relatively speaking) and very attractive, so it's hardly surprising to see that other people would try to flirt with him. There's a small pang of jealousy that comes from him thinking James would have preferred someone younger or stronger, but that quickly goes away once he sees James return to being on his arm and very proudly proclaiming he's already spoken for.

From James's perspective, he thinks Edward is the real catch between the two of them. Plus, it's not often that other people would try to shoot their shot with the silver fox. So when other people do try to get a little too close for comfort, James would certainly be stewing in jealousy. If the feeling gets to a certain point, he'd probably make himself known. But once they get home, the situation gets explained out, and they're cuddling on the couch with a blanket and some tea, James finds he can let go of the jealous feeling relatively quickly.

BIG SPOON/LITTLE SPOON: Majority of the time, James is the little spoon. He likes to be held and Edward LOVES holding him. James's favorite thing is when Edward keeps their hand on his chest. But occasionally, they do switch places, especially if Edward has a particularly hard day. Sometimes Old Iron wants to be cuddled too.

LENDS/BORROWS CLOTHES: Both of them tend to steal borrow clothes from each other, but under different circumstances.

At home, it's relatively commonplace to see Edward walking around in one of James's pants, shirts, or even his prized red coat. But more often than not, these are cases of Edward just picking them up of his own accord and James just letting him have it.

Outside, it's James who more actively does the borrowing and Edward who does the lending. James likes to go out ✨IN STYLE✨ without taking into consideration pesky things like the weather. So when James (inevitably) gets cold at night, Edward is the one to lend him his jacket.

PET NAMES: They don't use pet names often, but they do use some of the more basic ones on occasion. For James, Edward would sometimes call him "Jamie", "darling", "dear", or his personal favorite, "love". James usually calls Edward by his full name because Edward prefers it, but sometimes he might slip in an "Eddie", "baby", or a "kitten" in there just to make the old man flustered.

AFFECTION THROUGH WORDS/ACTIONS: This one might seem paradoxical, but let me explain.

James is more receptive to affection through words because he's used to being dismissed. In his worst moments, he can be pretty down on himself as his insecurities eat away at him. At times like these, Edward knows exactly what to say to help James pick himself back up again. It's especially meaningful because Edward absolutely means everything he says. He's not the type to lie just to make James feel better. He's honest and straightforward. If James did something wrong that needs calling out, Edward will tell him (politely of course). So when Edward tells James that he's wonderful or that he's a "really splendid engine", he 100% means it. And you can tell from just the look in his eyes that Edward loves his red boyfriend SO DAMN MUCH.

Conversely, Edward is more receptive to affection through actions. Edward is always the one out caring for everyone else and tends to forget to care for himself too. But at the same time, he's very much the type to never ask for help (even if he needs it). James knows this, so he goes the extra mile to help take some of the load off. If Edward is especially tired one day, James will step up and do Edward's share of the housekeeping without being asked. He'll volunteer to go supervise Bill and Ben so that Edward can take a day off. He'll fix up a warm bath for Edward after a hard day. Anything to make sure Edward is taken care of, James will do it. Not only that, but James is also the one planning most of their dates. ;)

CONFESSING:

Edward NEVER had any plans to confess to James. Romantic relationships are uncommon amongst engines since there's no real use for them. Plus, he didn't think James would be interested in a plain old iron like himself (as he views himself anyway). So Edward was just content to just feel his feelings and never act on them.

James, on the other hand, took several years to both realize and accept that he was in love with Edward. But once he got to that point, he confessed fairly quickly. Sure, there was a normal amount of hesitation and worry that Edward might not feel the same. But he was about 90% sure that Edward loved him back so he didn't end up worrying that much leading up to the confession.

CAN'T DRIVE LOL: Even as engines, they can't drive themselves. Plus, they know trains are the superior way to travel. So if they ever need to go somewhere while shifted into humans, they just catch one of their friends' trains. I don't think they've ever even sat in a car before.

COOKING: Edward loves to cook (especially baking). It was one of the first hobbies he picked up after learning how to shift and he would often make meals to share for the entire Steam Team. James, on the other hand, can cook, but not nearly as well as Edward. He doesn't know as many dishes as Edward. Even the ones they both know, James's, for some reason, aren't as good. The only time James would ever take over cooking is if Edward is feeling too exhausted to do so. There's a mutual acknowledgement between them (and also the rest of the Steam Team) that Edward is the superior chef (and he also enjoys it more). So if he can help it, James prefers to leave the cooking to Edward.

PDA: James absolutely LOVES PDA. He will take literally every opportunity he can to dote on Edward in public so that the entire island knows that they're together, much to Edward's embarrassment. Edward secretly loves the PDA too, and he appreciates how proud James is to be his boyfriend (and later husband). But Edward would never admit it. He tries really hard to at least appear decent in public. That said, when the opportunity arises, Edward does like getting to flip the script and fluster James in front of onlookers.

OVERPROTECTIVE/CHILL GOING: Both are more than reasonably protective over each other, but for different reasons and under different circumstances.

James gets into accidents relatively often, usually as the result of his own dumbassery. So Edward has gotten to a point where he's not too concerned if James winds up in an accident again. He'll still worry a little and warn James to be more careful next time, but Edward knows after a trip to the Steamworks that his boyfriend will be good as new again.

It's when they're shifted into humans when Edward becomes more protective of James.

Because of the way James looks, it's unfortunately not uncommon for James to get harassed while shifted as a human. When this happens, Edward goes into full protective mode to make sure his beloved stays safe. Thankfully, it doesn't happen too often. But it does happen often enough that Edward feels like he has to keep close watch of James while they're traveling after nightfall.

James, on the other hand, always has a bit of worry for Edward at the back of his mind. He knows Edward is capable of handling himself, but he also knows that Edward is old and doesn't recover from accidents as quickly or easily as he does. He worries that if the damage is too great, Edward could be scrapped. So if Edward were to end up in any sort of accident, James would go ballistic. He's puffing over right away to make sure his beloved is okay and may or may not have a fierce word with whoever caused the accident. The same thing goes when they are in human form. If Edward were to end up in some sort of fight, James would put himself in harms way to make sure Edward is protected (even though in human form, Edward is actually physically stronger than James).

RELATIONSHIP EXPERIENCE: Neither of them had any relationship experience before each other, they were each other's firsts. You can maybe argue that Edward has slightly more experience because he's had crushes on other people in the past, but fleeting attraction that is never pursued could hardly count for true experience. Their whole relationship is something that James and Edward are navigating together. It's new and at times a little scary, but there's nobody else James and Edward would rather be with than each other.

[notebooks-and-laptops]

I love everyone who's into Steddy Hands but ALSO so many people are saying Stede/Izzys dynamic should be tolerating each other for Eds sake and doing threesomes but having no real love for each other and NO. NO my fics can't end like that. You don't understand.

They have one of the most interesting dynamics in the show. I'd put it right up there with Ed/Izzys, Ed/Stedes dynamic (hence this ship appealing to me so much) because like. Okay so first you've got their canon interactions:

"This isn't over Mr Bonnet." "Good. Because I kind of enjoyed it"

"He has terrible taste in lackies"

"His names Blackbeard DOG"

"Trouble in paradise"

"I stood up for you you little shit"

*homoerotically touches curtains* "plum the depths"

"DONT YOU EVER SHUT UP"

Okay and yes obvs it's funny imagining them having to put up with each other for Ed BUT this dynamic??? It's ripe for some enemies to lovers. I mean. They're like. Weirdly obsessed with one another and HATE one another IMMEDIATELY - Blackbeards not in the picture yet and Izzy is CUTTING UP STEDES TOP TO MAKE HIS BOOBIES LOOK ALL SLUTTY. Hes lying to Ed about him for...what reason? Ed doesn't care about stede at this point. It's literally just bizzare random immediate grudge.

And it's so much funner and compelling to me to watch them go from THIS to bickering but dealing with one another for Eds sake to OH MY fucking god I think I'm in love with that TWAT. Like. I just want them to get to that point. That's what I want.

I want someone to insult Stede and Izzy to punch them out and he's like...fuck. FUCK. shit. I actually cared that he was being shat on. Fuck.

I want Stede to be making tea and he realises he knows exactly how Izzy takes it and he has a lil breakdown because oh my god I know what that bastard likes to drink holy shit that's basically a love language.

I want Stede to be like 'this is Edward 🥰 the love of my life and... *sigh* this is Izzy...also the love of my life 😤💖'

I want Izzy to be like 'yes Captain' to Stede and then realise shit does he RESPECT this guy now what the fuck?

I want Stede to kiss eds cheek one evening in front of the crew and then kiss Izzys and Izzy decides not to stab him because...fine. maybe that was...Nice.

I want Izzy to be like...fuck this guy STILL can't hold a sword properly. Get the FUCK over here Bonnet I'm teaching you how to sword fight.

I want Edward to walk in one day from being on deck to find Stede and Izzy cuddling and they just look up and GLARE and dare him to say anything and ACTUALLY I'm only laid here because it's COMFORTABLE and I'm hoping Izzys arm goes to sleep and he SUFFERS-- wait shit darling did your arm actually go to sleep here let me move over for you--

I want someone to be like 'hey Izzy - you still looking for someone to kill Bonnet?' And izzy has to go 'unfortunately...no. I am in love with him. 😕 if u hurt him I will have to kill you I'm afraid. He's a fucking idiot tho'

I want Izzy to realise that Stede actually IS good at fuckery and oh shit he loves TWO dramatic theatre kids he has a TYPE

I just. I don't want the end game of steddy hands to be 'stede and Izzy put up with one another for Eds sake' I want it to be 'they love one another actually and it fucking sucks but also its the best thing that ever happened to either of them'

[mrs-monaghan]

i’m just saying but your “proof” of them being together is normal stuff friends do who are extremely close. i’ve done it with my best friends throughout my life. and i think you really should respect the fact they have all said they get uncomfortable when being shipped with their friends. plus aren’t you setting yourself for disappointment when they come out and they’re not together?

24th July 2023. All these years later and people like you still exist? Still sending questions like these?

and I think you really should respect the fact that they have all said that they get uncomfortable when being shipped with their friends

I guess we are, aren't we? Fine. Let's do this. Before we begin, please note that ONLY 2 MEMBERS have only ever addressed their shippers. Two. Not ALL. Idk who lied to u and told u they have ALL told people to stop shipping them. Shipping has been a culture in Kpop since time immemorial. It's literally part of their training. That's why they do fanservice, dum dum. V and Suga are the only two members who have ever shut down their shippers. V for Taekook and Suga for... what do you call Suga and RM together? Sugamon? Namga? Namyoon? Whatever tf their ship name is, I have no idea.

Anyway, let's jump into it. Bon Voyage season 3 episode 2.

One very important thing to note; Jimin understood the waiter perfectly. First, the waiter asked how many of them there were.

JK replied by asking for the menu

But Jimin replied; they wanted a table for 2

Second, waiter saw all the staff recording them and asked Jikook if they were camera men. Jimin for some reason said yes 😂😂

Again, JK did not understand and Jimin had to translate

So just so it's clear, Jimin understood that waiter very well. With that in mind, let's proceed.

So they go to order and JK with his limp wrist (bless him) drops his iconic "together bam"

The waiter points at them both and says "together? Alright."

Some people hear; "you're together?" And others just hear "together" anyway. It doesn't matter. If you watch the clip here you will see the waiter clearly gestures to both of them and says that. He's understood they're a couple which is why Jimin cracks up.

We have established Jimin was getting everything and he understood what the waiter meant but guess what, anon? He didn't correct him. Even if his English was quite bad at this time he knew how to say "no" but chose not to. Instead he just laughed it off. So, Jimin had a chance to shut down a Jikook rumor but... 🤷🏽‍♀️

People still thought the waiter didn't think they were a couple until an Army visited that restaurant and confirmed that was the case.

Remember when Jin asked them if they were a couple and again they just laughed it off?

Remember when RM asked if they were a couple since they were matching like a couple? Remember how once again Jikook could have denied this but didn't?

How strange anon. All these chances to shut down shippers and still they refuse to take them.

Jimin actually mumbles something after RM asks that but it doesn't get translated and even Kjikookers have admitted they can't hear it clearly. But I have heard a few say it sounds like Jimin said "we're married."

But since its not very clear, we don't go around celebrating and spreading it. Still... 😌😌

I am so confused as to where you heard that Jikook shut down their shippers. When did this happen, I wonder? Was it when JK had Jimin's ear in his mouth? Was it everytime Jimin tried to kiss JK? Or was it when they both admitted Jimin sucked on JK's neck long enough to leave a bruise aka hickey?

I've done it with my best friends through out my life.

Now anon listen, I dont judge people. Trust me, not only because the Bible says thou shall not judge, but also because I've had my fair share of slutty moments. So I will not sit here and judge you for sucking on all your bestfriends' necks and leaving bruises. How do their lovers feel about this, btw? I won't judge you if you get the urge to caress your bestfriend's balls just because. And I definitely won't judge you because you like to footsie your friends' dicks. All I can tell u is u need to be careful because it could get messy real quick. Because if someone did this to me it means they want to fuck me. And that messes with the friendship dynamic.

Idk what brought you to my blog. But I'd advice you to know your shit before you come my way next time. Have a good day and God Bless 🙏🏽

Bonus for my fellow Jikookers; Malta Jikook looking at eo. And JK is most definitely obsessed with those bratz lips 💋

[lightsoutletsgo]

Congrats on 500 followers! Such an exciting milestone! Can I ask for a celebration ship (ideally 2 lol)? I’d describe myself as introverted, intellectual, and a walking shitpost lol I love music (literally all kinds), books (I have a booktube channel), coffee, video games, and touching grass. I’m plus size and I go to the gym everyday and I’ve been doing archery for almost 25 years (I’m not as old as that makes me sound; I’ve been shooting for most of my life) and I am an Olympic-style competitor (I’m not good enough for the Olympics yet, but a girl can dream). I have a degree in English lit/creative writing and I work in the legal field. My friends would describe me as the dependable one, the one who always shows up, the one who gives the beat hugs, and the one most likely to go to war on their behalf. In a partner I look for someone I can laugh A LOT with, someone who can talk about literally anything and who is interested in lots of things, and someone who REALLY likes cuddling.

Thank you so much in advance! Your work is so good and I’m so excited to keep reading. Here’s to another 500!

🏹 anon

hello love! thank you so so much for sending in your request! omg you sound so interesting and cool 😭 I really had to do a little thinking about who I was gonna put you with 👀 but I think I got it? happy reading! mimi

LEWIS HAMILTON ᝰ.ᐟ₊ ⊹ - calls you darling and love - loves, loves, LOVES your thighs! they're so cosy and comfy. he's also obsessed with your hips - his love language is physical touch and acts of service - nothing he loves more than a cuddle session with you and he is a firm believer that there's nothing a cuddle can't fix

as an athlete himself, lewis knows how much time and dedication you have to put into becoming one of the best and so he loves supporting you on your journey for that. he comes to as many practices and competitions as he can and he loves to offer up his physiotherapist for you to use too! of course now and again he loves to try things out himself and rather annoyingly it doesn't take him long to get the hang of it! of course it's always nice seeing his arms and hands flex when he tries so do you actually mind?

the two of you spend plenty of evenings listening to music together whether it's new tunes on spotify or golden oldies on vinyl. lewis loves to gently tap out the rhythms on your hands and hips as he holds them and it's easily a soothing motion that helps if you ever get overwhelmed while out with him.

lewis understands that your job can be stressful and so he loves to help you unload as much as he can at the end of the day. if he's far away he's right there on facetime, smiling at you as you cuddle with roscoe on the couch and rant to him. or if he's in person, he's offering a back massage, shoulder massage, starting to make dinner and telling you to go an shower the day away while he puts your cosy clothes in the dryer.

"love?" lewis emerges from the garden where he's been doing a light workout, "where'd you go?" he's not concerned at the lack of response, he knows you've had a lot of work you've been focusing on lately and so he surmises you've probably fallen asleep somewhere. roscoe is nowhere to be found either, having grown bored of watching lewis' workout halfway through and plodding back into the house, so lewis knows he'll find the two of you curled up either on the couch or the bed.

walking through the living room, the couch is empty and so he heads straight for the bedroom. he quietly opens the door, smiling to himself at the sound of your heavy breathing and roscoe's snoring. he closes the door and showers as fast as he possibly can. his body craving yours and needing to be close to you. once he's showered, he emerges into your shared bedroom once more, pulling his sweatpants on and carefully sliding into bed behind you. wrapping an arm around you, you shift in your sleep, nose wrinkling slightly as you're disturbed. it doesn't take more than a soft 'shhh' and kiss to the head from lewis before you're settled once more, body naturally wriggling closer to him a little more as you seek his body heat. lewis closes his eyes with a happy hum. this is his favourite place.

࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

CHARLES LECLERC ᝰ.ᐟ₊ ⊹ - calls you mon amour or mon ange - charles loves your smile! whether it's your soft half-asleep smile first thing in the morning or a massive grin that greets him when he gets home after a long triple-header - his love language is quality time - he could spend hours praising you for the smallest things, just to watch the way you melt and flourish under his love and adoration. to him, you're a goddess!

charles loves that you're his shy little bookworm! he's that much in love with you that he's turned one of the big windows of his monaco apartment into your reading nook; complete with cosy chair, shelves, lighting and a small coffee table with a mug warmer to keep your coffee at the right temperature all the time! one of his favourite ways to pass the time when he's home is to sit and play piano while you read. he tells you it's a good exercise in practicing different styles and emotions of song. he'll ask you what mood the scene you're reading is and start playing accordingly.

he loves to watch you make videos for your youtube channel and often adds his opinion. your followers love it so much that it turns into a regular weekly segment on your channel! charles is in awe that your degree is in creative writing and is summoning up the courage to ask you to write a bedtime story he can gift and read to his niece for her birthday.

he knows you're the dependable friend, he sees it in the way you are with the people around you. but he also knows that that can sometimes be a little tiring and difficult when you yourself are struggling and so he becomes your dependable person. he loves being able to do the little things for you to make it easier.

the rain gently patters against the window of your apartment as grey clouds roll over the harbours of monaco. but here in your apartment with charles, it's warm and cosy and homely. it's a rare weekend that he's home and you've been spending time existing together. you've been reading while he plays piano, a new composition brewing in his head and now in his phone voice memos but now a sleepy atmosphere is settling over the apartment.

charles leans against the big L-shaped couch as you lay in-between his legs. his hands gently run up and down your sides as you lazily hum the tune he was playing barely five minutes earlier. he lets out a breath of laughter and smiles down at you, one hand coming up to stroke your head as you tilt your head up. he stares at you for a moment, just enjoying having you in his lap. his finger gently traces your face. across your cheeks, up your nose, across your bottom lip. he grins at you, completely lovesick as your eyelashes flutter shut and you sigh. leaning down he kisses you softly once, then again and once more.

[poorlittleyaoyao]

Beefleaf isn't canon. Mxtx has said she doesn't like to write another gay ship different from the main (she struggled with svsss)

I have heard about this! The content I saw was just so insistent about Beefleaf that I wondered if maybe I was misremembering and the "no same-gender side couples" thing applied to MDZS only. (I have gotten similar vibes from Moshang and from whatever Yue QIngyuan and Shen Jiu's ship name is, but I've now obtained Vol. 1 of SVSSS and plan to read it, so if those two aren't actually canon, don't tell me! It can be a surprise!)

The "no side couples"--or, in MDZS's case, "no queer characters AT ALL besides the protag, his love interest, and the disgraced goth weirdo who annihilates himself to resurrect the protag"--thing confuses me, because... I guess I don't get the point of it? I totally understand not having the bandwidth to develop more than one couple. The challenge of adequately building up other relationships fully independent of your main couple without detracting from the exploits of your protagonist and his love interest could be daunting, as would expanding the story's focus and juggling multiple equally-prominent lead characters for an effective ensemble piece. But here it seems like people picked up a vibe between the characters from what was already there in the text and then MXTX was like, "oh, no, they're not a couple! there's just the one couple!" and THAT I don't get. If she's disinterested in writing women, but has a cast of attractive men who are all obsessed with each other, why not toss a romance in there between some of the guys? Again, you can keep it entirely as-is and just toss a kiss in there or confirm in interviews that yes, they were in love, and you're so happy readers picked up on that even though you didn't get to tell their full story on the page.

I am extrapolating based on the Xiyao situation specifically, so maybe this doesn't apply to her other works! But it is a choice that confuses me. A couple doesn't have to be that developed; Xuanli certainly aren't, but their existence is a major plot point. I should think that the presence of other m/m couples would bolster the main couple, if anything, because it sets a precedent for them existing in their world. There are situations where adding an expressly romantic element would change something fundamental about the relationship, but there are just as many where the addition of a romantic element changes nothing or makes it make more sense (case in point: Xue Yang's freakout after killing Xiao Xingchen).

Like I said, I get not wanting to devote energy to it, and I also get that sometimes a work or performance is received by the audience in ways the artist didn't intend (this is the Destiel website, after all), but to make it a conscious choice to have One M/M Couple Only? Based on what I currently know, this perplexes me.

[hyde-nseek]

My headcanon is that every Link and every Zelda falls in love. But it gets a little more complicated than that because I don't think they get together every time. So... Here is how I would justify every Zelink in the Legend of Zelda franchise:

(please note that I'm not saying other ships aren't cool. I personally like a lot of them.)

Skyward Sword: This one is probably as canon as Zelink has gotten so far. I don't know anyone that says that they don't have feelings for each other. These two probably founded Hyrule together. Maybe as a kingdom, maybe just as a small village below the clouds. Either way, the Royal Family traces their lineage back to this couple.

Minish Cap: This Zelink is very cute. I think they dated, and maybe even married. From what I understand about the timeline, though, this Link abandons Hyrule and lives the rest of his life cursed by the mind-shattering properties of the Four Sword. So, it was a relationship for a while, but they didn't grow old together.

Four Swords: There actually isn't a lot of information about this Zelda, but I like to think that they got together after Link saves her. They're cute.

Ocarina of Time: The way Zelda looks at Link at the end of the game is full of remorse. She doesn't want to send Link away from her, but she knows it's the right thing to do for his sake and Hyrule's. Also, the way Sheik looks at Link can't go unnoticed. That ninja isn't good at hiding his feelings.

Majora's Mask: The same as Ocarina of Time, but it's much more brief. I don't think Link ever returns to Hyrule Castle, but it's possible. It's more likely that he founded Ordon with Malon. That means that Malon and Link end up together, but Link's true love was the princess he saved in another time.

Twilight Princess: Zelda and Link barely talk in the game, and when they interact, it's only because Midna put them together. But with Midna out of the picture, I think they would still bond. Ilia gets friendzoned. Sorry.

Four Swords Adventures: I think I'll have to put this one with Four Swords as well. These games are a little weird in that the Links are so affected by the Four Sword that it's hard to picture them in a situation without it. If anyone else has thoughts on this Zelink, please lmk.

Wind Waker/Phantom Hourglass: Tetra and Link get together and found New Hyrule. This one is pretty self explanatory and difficult to argue against. Very cute and I love it.

Spirit Tracks: They were made for each other. They have so much of a connection because of their adventure together. Whether Link becomes an adventurer or an engineer, I think the princess has feelings for the Hero of Spirit.

A Link to the Past/Link's Awakening/Oracles: The cryptic uncle wants you to know that Zelda is your responsibility. Now that we've covered that, I think Link would have been with Zelda if it weren't for Marin. After Koholint, I don't think he really has it in him to have a relationship with anyone.

A Link Between Worlds/Tri Force Heroes: I think that after saving Hytopia, Link returns to Hyrule and asks for Zelda's hand. There's no reason why not to, and I don't think Link would have wanted to stay in Hytopia for the rest of his life. As cool as it is, it's a vacation spot. And Styla isn't the princess for Link.

Hyrule Fantasy/Adventure of Link: Two Zeldas, one Link. This one's kind of weird, but I think he'd rather be with the Zelda from his first adventure. Zelda the First only kisses him as a reward, probably the only reward she can give.

Breath of the Wild/Tears of the Kingdom: I mean, they live together. They hugged at the end of both games. What else do you want me to say?

[curtsbigspoon]

ship headcanons? 🤲🏻

I am so sorry anon, I feel I'm too neurodivergent and couldn't figure out whether you meant who I ship in mota, or how I imagine the ship dynamics working. Anyways, have a bit of both!

Rosie x Me (obviously)

Gale x John

Gale x John x Curt

Crosby x Bubbles

Crosby x Rosie

Honestly, I'll ship most of the mfs in this show, they're all attractive and personally? I think they need their ass ate

LAST MINUTE SO I HAVE NOTHING FOR HIM YET BUT KEN VS EVERYONE

Now, headcanons of the pairs?

Rosie x Me: Every night I spread him open and- ((GUNSHOTS))

Gale x John: I might expand on this in a post, because I feel it is very important for the progress of humanities evolution, but, John fucking loves Gale's ass. Downright worships it, thinks it's the perfect shape, likes to take advantage when no one's looking, grabs fistfuls of it until the entire thing's in his palms, until Gale's leaning his head back to hiss, "John," whilst he's all toothy grin kneading it with his fingers. On the other side, when John gets a little too hyped up and starts acting out, Gale's liable to either grab him by the scruff of the collar, or the hair, tug him down real close, voice low, total warning in his voice. John either pipes down immediately like a scolded puppy, or he pushes further, wants to see how far he can go.

Gale x John x Curt: Honestly this might need a separate post because I'll yap my lips off, but I'll give this much at least: Gale leads, he looks after the other two, tries to keep them out of trouble, holds most of the control. Bucky and Curt are like a duo pair, if chaos is happening, it's probably them that caused it. You'll usually find Gale, head in his hands at the scene of the crime, shaking his head, finding them both later with two very guilty expressions on their face. They follow him around like puppies, seeking his praise, his attention, being rivals about it, but also finding love in one another, playing together when Gale's not around to sate them.

Crosby x Bubbles: I haven't thought too much on these two to be clear, but I still like the pairing, and I very much envision them like sweethearts. They've been best friends for as long as they've known one another, always showing up at the end of the other's mission, checking in, updating each other about everything. Finding innocent little ways to brush against one another, risking someone else seeing their hands grazing together whilst they walk because they can just play it off as sheer accident. They laugh when they kiss, giggles falling between the spaces of each other's lips, cheeks flushing rosy, pure sweet joy and adoration.

Crosby x Rosie: Rosie's one of the best pilots and Crosby's a group navigator, of course the two of them find moments to spend time with each other. At first it's for mutual gain, Crosby's looking for someone else to occupy his mind from all the loss, looking for someone to make him feel a little better about himself and the decisions he's making. Rosie gives him that, obvious about his relief when Crosby reassures him of certain mission plans, enjoy the ease of stress to his shoulders - because as much as he loves his crew and his friends, he can never get the guilt out of his head of the responsibility he has to ensure their lives are as secure as his during every flight - Crosby understanding that pressure is something he finds comfort in. They find out that they both share similarities in lack of sleep, deciding to spend the empty hours together rather than alone dwelling in their mourning and guilt. It makes it easier, making each other coffee, sometimes just sitting in silence with the other present, other times taking the pressure off by having a chat and it turns into soft laughter echoing through.

Someone put me down. I can't say more or this will turn into a damn essay. I'm so sorry anon, you probably didn't ask for this, but I had no idea what you meant and it was only meant to be short but then- ((TASER GOES OFF))

If y'all need anything expanded on, or want me to clarify on more specific brainrots, please lemme know I have so much brewing!