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sanderssidesfanfiction · 3 years

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If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Eight

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

November 20th, 2000

“You’re absolutely sure you’ll be okay over Thanksgiving break?” Emile pressed Remy.

Remy rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Mom, I’ll be fine,” he said with a little scoff. “I don’t have to talk to my parents about dropping out of college, or moving out of the dorms, and my siblings don’t know either, so they can’t spill the beans. It’ll be five days of sleeping in my parent’s house and wishing they didn’t host Thanksgiving dinner for my family every year so I don’t have to be swamped by my cousins and aunts and uncles. I’ll be fine.”

“If you’re sure...” Emile said. “Just know my parents’ offer stands. They wouldn’t mind feeding five mouths instead of four.”

“I know,” Remy said. “But you don’t have to worry. I’ll be okay. I promise.”

November 23rd, 2000

“So, let me get this straight,” Emile’s dad asked. “You met a boy in college, became friends with him despite his great reluctance to do so, and found out that he would hurt himself if he continued going to college, so you decided to offer to move in with him, and take on a job so that you can help with rent? And we have to pay less for your tuition because you’ll be living off campus?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Emile said. “Remy hasn’t dropped out officially, yet, but he’s working through the papers and trying to find a second job to help in addition to Starbucks that means we won’t have to stretch our money as thin.”

“That’s amazing, Emile,” Dad said. “I can only see you doing that sort of thing. But it somehow makes complete sense when it’s you doing it.”

Emile ducked his head and continued to help peel potatoes for the Thanksgiving dinner. “I’m just really worried about Remy, honestly,” he said. “He had to go back to his parents’ for Thanksgiving because we don’t have the apartment yet, and they don’t know that he’s dropping out of college yet.”

“Wait, what? What do you mean, ‘they don’t know’?” Dad asked, placing a hand on Emile’s shoulder.

“I mean they don’t know, Dad,” Emile said. “His parents aren’t very supportive. He was going to college on his own dime, not theirs, because he wanted to go into whatever major he wanted. And he’s told me before that...that his parents favor his siblings over him.”

“What?!” his dad asked.

“He’s said it in passing multiple times, Dad. Even if it’s not true, he genuinely believes it, and based on everything else I’ve heard about his parents, I’m inclined to believe him on this,” Emile said, biting his lip.

“Well why couldn’t you invite him over here, then?” Dad asked.

“I tried!” Emile defended. “I said he was welcome to come home with me if he wanted, but he said he didn’t want to impose, and that his parents were expecting him home anyway. They don’t even know whether or not he has friends at college, Dad. He was worried that they might cut him out of the family if he didn’t go home, because the dorms definitely close over Thanksgiving, and they’d assume he’s gay if he decided to have Thanksgiving with us!”

“Is he gay?” Dad asked.

“Dad...I’m not comfortable sharing his preferences without his permission,” Emile whined in a whisper.

“So, that’s a yes, then,” Dad said knowingly.

“Yes. He’s gay, told me himself. Something tells me he doesn’t care who knows it, but his parents don’t. And I don’t think he’s anywhere near a safe enough spot to tell them,” Emile hissed.

“Tell that boy that if you two don’t have an apartment by Christmas, that he’s welcome over here. Those people sound like horrible family, and his parents ought to be ashamed of what they did to him,” Dad said firmly.

“Thanks, Dad, but we already have the money for a safety deposit and first month’s rent, it’s more a matter of me finding a job after the Christmas rush,” Emile said.

“Should I make a couple calls?” Dad asked.

Emile shook his head. “I don’t think so. It’s going to be a low-level retail-type job that I get, because that’s what I can work with school. No need for you to pull strings if I can’t even take the opportunity to use them.”

“Just remember, all you have to do is say the word,” Dad reminded him. “I’ll put my ear to the ground and see if anyone needs help out there.”

“I know,” Emile said. “Maybe when grad school happens, depending on how many classes I have to take. For now, though, I’m content working at, like, Target or something.”

“Who’s working at Target?” his mother asked from the edge of the kitchen.

“Hey, no, out! We don’t want you burning any of the food!” his dad said, playfully whipping a dishrag at her.

His mother took one step backward until she was out of the doorway to the kitchen, before crossing her arms. “Who’s working at Target?” she repeated.

“Well, it’s one of the places I’ve applied to,” Emile said. “Nothing definite. But...my friend Remy and I are going to be getting our own place off campus, and that’s my way of helping to pay the rent.”

“Oh,” his mother said, surprised. “Would this be the same Remy you told us about at the beginning of the school year?”

“Yeah, the one and the same,” Emile said. “College is killing him, but his parents aren’t nearly as supportive as you guys are, so I’m going to help him with rent on a place so that he doesn’t have to keep going to school.”

“Oh, okay then,” his mother said. “If you ever fall short the money for food or anything like that over the summer, let your father and myself know. We’ll come over armed with half a grocery store.”

Emile laughed. “I hope that won’t happen, but I promise to let you know. And when we can afford a landline, I will call you still. Until then, letters are going to be my new best friend.”

His mother smiled at him. “I really hope this works out for the both of you, Emile.”

“I do too,” Emile said, smiling.

“Now, I’ll go back to talking with your grandfather, you two just make sure that nothing ends up burning.”

“Will do, Mom,” Emile said with a playful salute.

She shook her head fondly and left sight quickly. Dad nudged him. “So, are you going to tell me more about Remy? We only really know his name, at this point.”

“Well, he’s got a pretty hard exterior,” Emile said. “It’s very hard to get past that, honestly. But he’s kinda sweet once you get to know him. I say ‘kinda’ because his parents did a number on him. But I’m slowly teaching him people skills, and he’s actually really good at making conversation, even if he doesn’t always read people correctly. He’s learned to not play off hurt feelings as a joke, by now, which is a huge improvement.”

His dad smiled at him and Emile offered a confused smile back. “What?”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing,” his dad waved off.

“I’m sure it’s not,” Emile said. “What is it?”

“You seem rather fond of him,” he said.

“Well, yeah, he’s my friend,” Emile said, shaking his head as he started to mash the potatoes. “I don’t see your point here.”

“You’re bisexual, Emile,” Dad said. “He’s gay. You’re both in each other’s dating pool. You’re moving in together. Are you two...involved at all?”

“What?” Emile asked.

“There’s no shame in it if you are,” Dad rushed to assure him. “You just appear to be very fond of him.”

“Yeah, like, as a best friend thing, not in an I want to date him thing! I mean, he’s cute, sure, but like...he’s not...he’s not very nice, still. Like, he’s made so many improvements, and I’m proud of him for that, but I don’t think I could be with him the way he is right now,” Emile said. “He’s still mean sometimes. And I know that no one can be nice one-hundred percent of the time, even I’m not nice that much. But...I’m mean at maybe ten percent of the time. He’s mean, like, forty percent of the time.”

“Ah. I understand why you don’t like that ratio,” Dad said knowingly. “You always were the type who wouldn’t hang around the mean kids unless you could make them a little less mean.”

“Yeah. And I never dated anyone who didn’t act nice to people they didn’t know, because everyone deserves kindness,” Emile added. “Remy isn’t quite there yet. I like to think he could get there, but he isn’t right now.”

“He most certainly could get there, with you as his teacher, I have no doubt about that,” Dad said. “But he has to want it, first, and that’s the key to getting real progress.”

“I know,” Emile said. “And he doesn’t want it. At least, he doesn’t want any friends outside me. Has too many bad past experiences, apparently.”

Dad sighed. “Those are the hardest ones to gain trust from, Emile. I sincerely hope you never take advantage of the trust this Remy puts in you.”

“I would never dream of it,” Emile said with absolute certainty. “Remy is my friend, and I would never want to hurt him, ever.”

“Good,” Dad said with a nod. “Now, at the same time, you can’t be his therapist all the time, either. He needs a friend, not a clinical perspective. An outside view is healthy in moderation, but you have to make sure there is just that: moderation. It’s crucial to any friendship that you have an agreement that when it comes to priorities, each of you come first in your own respective lists. I know you want to help, Emile, and I know it’s hard to see people self-destruct. But if you’re not in a position to be helping that person without damaging yourself, the both of you will only end up more hurt.”

“I know all this, Dad,” Emile said patiently.

“I know you know it. But a refresher never hurts,” Dad replied easily.

Emile sighed and nodded to show Dad he understood, and they went back to cooking. Emile mashed the potatoes while Dad handled the gravy, and both of them kept one eye on the oven to make sure the turkey was being cooked properly. Emile took the cranberry sauce while Dad handled the corn, and soon enough, they had enough food prepared to feed themselves, Emile’s mom, and his grandfather.

Together, he and his Dad set everything up at the dinner table, and Mom and Grandpa came in as they heard the shuffle of feet and plates. “It looks amazing, as always,” Mom said.

Emile beamed. It wasn’t easy to set everything up for Thanksgiving, but it was worth it. And every year, he was becoming a bolder and better cook.

They sat down, said grace, and started to eat. Conversation was light, mostly about Emile’s time at college, the friends he had met, and his plans for the future. He mentioned that he was planning on moving in with Remy to his grandfather, but wisely chose to leave out the part about Remy’s abuse, and didn’t even touch the subject of him being bisexual. As much as he absolutely adored his grandfather, he did have a few...less than savory views on the queer community.

Once dinner was over, Dad and Grandpa went to the living room to watch the football game, while his mother pulled him aside, her face worried. “Emile, can we talk about your friend Remy for a minute?”

“Sure, I guess,” Emile said. “Should we go to my room, or something?”

“Somewhere private is best,” his mother agreed.

They went to his room and Emile sat on his bed, watching his mother pace the length of the room after the door was closed. “Are you certain that you want to move in with this friend, Emile?” she asked.

“Yeah, Mom, I’m sure.”

“You’re not just doing it because you think it will be better than the dorms? You’re aware that you’ll have to pay half the rent and utilities, and maybe even the food that isn’t covered by your meal plan?” Mom clarified.

“No, I’m not trying to escape the dorms, Mom. I’m doing it to help Remy, so that he doesn’t kill himself from overworking and stress. I know I’ll have to work hard over the summer, and even during the school year, to ensure that rent is paid. I know the risks.”

“And you know that Remy will hold up his end of the bargain? He won’t just skip out on you the second he gets the chance?”

“He doesn’t have a choice, Mom. I’m the only option he has if he doesn’t go to college,” Emile said.

Mom looked a little upset but nodded. “If you’re sure, then you have my blessing. Just, be careful, Emile.”

“Always, Mom,” Emile promised.

She left the room and Emile’s cell phone rang. He answered it without a second thought. “Hello?” he asked.

The shaky breathing on the other end of the phone made his hackles rise. “E-Emile...” Remy stammered out. “I...I thi-think I need help...”

#if there's a place i could be #sanders sides fanfiction #remile #emile picani #ts sleep

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you-are-my-neverland · 4 years

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“That’s a shame,” Professor Laurier said. “If I may give you a word of advice, Ms. Beaulieu, I would say that you need to figure out what you want, not what you think you need to.”

- F I V E

[ a/n: and we’re officially on november 20th, 2/3rds of the way through with national novel writing month twenty twenty. this novel remains unnamed, but my word count is, as of the 20th, 43.5k, which is a bit insane. i attempted to actually make this post nice to look at. we’ll see what happens ]

songs i one hour looped to.

sleep thru ur alarms by lontalius

it’s not love by lontalius

wings by birdy

grace by lewis capaldi

nym by phlux

praying by kesha

girls by girl in red

writing thoughts.

i’m really proud to have kept up my average so far, especially since the middle is usually really lagging. i wrote almost four more chapters and half of it is literally just like pages of prose, thoughts, character introspection, and generally filler dives into the mind, but while i am a bit frustrated that it feels like this wip is really dragging it’s feet, i have been enjoying myself immensely. right now, it’s really just setting the stage and starting to build the bones of bare character dynamics/relationships that will all develop later on - necessary (i mean probably not 40k worth, but yeah...) but lengthy.

as excited as i am to get to some action, like even just the first teeny tiny start of the mountain, i am having a lot of fun fleshing out my characters. i feel like i’m really getting to know them (and also finding out that i am projecting onto ophelia and eden hard lol, geez). of course, i have a really large cast for this wip that will be of varying importance throughout at least this book, but that also is a bit messy, because i’m trying to weave them all together and make sure they get set up for later arcs.

on that note, i still want to call this wip these violent ends, but considering it’s technically the first of a trilogy idk how that would work out...i’m really attached to that title though lol.

anyways, here are some favorite lines - tried to pick some out, might like chapter six a bit too much..

some favorite lines.

three.

“So I’m throwing a fucking party,” Thaleia added. “And we’re all going to have so much fucking fun.”

four.

Ophelia opened it to find Sebastian methodically lacing up his tennis shoes, which looked too ordinary to be real against the soft white of his clothing, as if a medieval peasant had walked into a Nike shop and simply selected a pair of sleek shoes that matched.

“I love your dress, by the way,” the other girl added. “Red looks good on you.” “You, too,” Ophelia said, and then flushed, correcting, “I mean your dress looks good on you. It’s very pretty.”

five.

Ophelia hadn’t thought that he was the type to like to disappear, but then she had thought about it more, at a night when she’d missed home a little too much, and realized that not everyone wanted to disappear in the same way, that not everyone was like her brother to a T.

They had been six or seven or eight when the Red Revolution had started, and like their parents remembered how it had started in waves, they had been raised in a changing world and tumultuous times. She remembered the air raids, the practice lockdowns and the sheets that had come in the mail, demonstrating what to do in an emergency, or if they had to suddenly evacuate. Wanted posters, with constantly changing pictures. Missing posters—and those had been the worst. Ophelia remembered one coming in of a little girl her age, with pigtails and gap teeth. She couldn’t recall much from that period before eight—a few scattered memories of the Revolution, Des and Tian and her, but more emotions attached to events, short in her mind—but she remembered that girl on the missing person’s poster. They’d found her body a week later.

Ophelia blinked, at a loss for words. “I do belong with my brother,” she said, finally. “There’s no situation where I wouldn’t actively choose to be with my brother.” “And does your brother, Sebastian, was it, feel the same way?”

six.

But Vincent was dirt poor and used to empty cabinets and red numbers on unopened bills, so he had stopped worrying about why his mother had left and died in the first place—all that mattered was that he was alone, now. He couldn’t hide the aura that surrounded him, that showed itself in his old clothes and his broken shoes and his undernourished body, in the bloodshot eyes and the slight tremble of his eyes and the smell of smoke that accompanied him wherever he went.

Well, his teachers back home probably thought his life would not amount to anything more than dying early as a drug addict, and Vincent wanting to do something more than that was seen as just daydreaming. It was funny, how they told kids like him they could be anything and then turned tail and said that they were shooting too high by wanting to ever get out of that town or their poverty line lifestyles. He was getting out of that town. He would never live at the poverty line again.

“No,” Asriel cut in. His voice was calm and smooth as glass. “What was the government doing that was so wrong that some Mages felt the need to overthrow it in the first place?”

Happiness and warmth gave Vincent as much power as the other side to the coin, the wrath and the chaos that came after the smile, or the laugh. For Asriel, he thought smiling might be a bit of a death sentence, because when Asriel smiled, it gave the impression that he had given something up, taken down a bit of his walls, in order to do so, and that was dangerous.

Even if their ghosts didn’t remain, the memories mired in the streets he walked daily held him with bony fingers, reminding him of the pasts so many people had lived. Pieces of soul left behind, ghostly forms that stayed behind on scraps of emotion: vengefulness, anger, sadness, and regret; nobody died without one of them left behind. For all the brave stories Sebastian had read about soldiers or people who had died ready for it, embraced it with open arms, he had yet to meet a ghost that had been ready to leave.

They told him to hate the ghosts, and so by sheer power of will, Sebastian loved them instead.

taglist > @semblanche

if you think this wip is cool and would like sporadic updates, express your interest explicitly, please!

#writers on tumblr #my writing #writing #nanowrimo 2020 #nano 2020 #wip: nano 2020 #11.20/21.2020 #also my spotify was getting hacked but i think i fixed it lol #okay maybe i write vincent & asriel and go a bit crazy #then five pages of sebastian thinking about death because why not #we love siblings who have an unhealthy codependency on each other lol #:D i love that canva edit lowkey

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justinsdaysinthedark · 4 years

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Post #12 - 317 Days

209 days since my last blog post, hey? Time flies when you fit two rounds of Chemo, a birthday, Christmas, New Years, a cricket season, Australia Day, Valentines Day and to top things off, a worldwide pandemic in there.

First and foremost, let me clear the air. Why haven’t I posted a blog since September 18, 2019?

I’ve been telling people it’s because I’ve been lazy - which look - let’s be honest, that’s partially true. I think my blog early days let me emotionally explore my deep feelings, understand what was going on and share to you all what I was going through. It was used to express my feelings and thoughts when I felt I had to and I was okay with that.

Since September until the end of my chemo though, I very much shut myself off to the world and spent the time focused on me and getting better. Post chemo was about getting better, back into life and into a normal routine that I was comfortable with. Whilst I admit I was being lazy, a large part of me wasn’t ready to talk about what I’d been through or was about to go through. I wanted to spend the back quarter of 2019 focusing on me with my loved ones around me because that’s what felt most important at the time.

Round 3 of Chemo was exactly like the first round. Just as rough on my body however I felt prepared this time. A little drug called Methotrexate (the word still haunts me!) got to me again and basically shut my body down for a fortnight or so. My mouth produced mucus instead of saliva and I had ulcers right through my body - from mouth to gut. It wasn’t a pleasant experience and I hope nobody I know ever has to go through that again.

Round 3 chemo began on Wednesday September 18th, 2019 and I eventually got out of hospital on October 20th - a month and two days later. It would’ve been sooner however that final week I ended up contracting what they call parainfluenza type 3, which wasn’t as bad as the flu but worse than a cold. The constant temperatures every night were a pain when all I wanted to be was at home. I eventually was sent home once everything settled and the next 10 nights at home were bliss - it was the longest time I’d been at home since June!

Round 4 and what turned out to be my final round of chemo began on October 30th, 2019. Much like round 2, it was a breeze. I felt absolutely fine all throughout, despite the fact I was neutropenic for a number of days. Eventually once my white blood cell count had risen enough, I was sent home on November 15th - just a brisk 18-day stay this time! My goal at the start of this journey was to smash out my chemo by Christmas time. Not only had I smashed it out by Christmas, I was done by my birthday (21st November)!

Following my final round of chemotherapy, I was required to head back to Monash Clayton every Wednesday for the next few weeks for blood tests and so that the nurses could clean my PICC line which was still in at this stage. A few weeks went by and my bloods were showing signs of improvement, which gave me an incredible amount of confidence in my body moving forward.

My PICC was finally removed on December 12th at Monash Clayton and this was to be, in retrospect my final trip to ward 44.

Friday December 13th saw my first outpatient appointment with the haematology doctors at Casey. As I expected, they were extremely happy with the progress and scheduled appointments once a month for the next little bit.

In my fifth blog, I wrote that I’d bookmark three dates throughout this journey. They are as follows:

* Finding out I had cancer (Thursday July 25th)

* Beginning Chemo (Wednesday July 30th)

* Finding out I’m in remission (???)

I’m pleased to let you all know that on my outpatient appointment on Friday, February 21st 2020, my haematology doctor Michael advised me I am officially in remission. It was fitting seeing it was Michael that initially told me 7 months earlier that I had lymphoma. I won’t lie, this was an incredibly happy moment after everything I’d been through since it all began in June. I was hesitant to use the word ‘remission’ since I’d left hospital in December but now that one of my doctors had officially confirmed it, I could settle it in my mind as well.

From here, my check up appointments got moved to every three months instead of every month.

As it stands this afternoon April 14th, 2020 I am kicking goals. I am as far as I am aware cancer free, my eye is basically back to normal. I finished the cricket season playing the final two games (which were huge for me!) and am now back at work 32hrs a week - and will be back full time (40hrs) over the coming weeks. I’m back to what I feel to be a ‘normal life’ and honestly couldn’t be happier. The trivial things in life don’t matter to me anymore and I fell like I am able to look at the bigger picture in things.

Whilst this post hasn’t been great - much like my life since June 2019 - I feel like I’ve ticked off something that’s been sitting with me for a few months now. A final blog post ✅

I’d like to end this by thanking each and every single one of you who supported me over the past 10 months. From my girlfriend Courtney, my parents, extended family and friends. My cricket club and football clubs as well as work colleagues. You‘ve all been incredibly instrumental in my life over the past 10 months and for that, I thank you.

I leave you with a variety of photos since I finished my final chemo treatment in better. I’m out the other side and unless something pops up in the future, it’s adios from me! xx

December 2019 with my Nephew, Jaxon.

Christmas Day, 2019 with my cousin, Ella.

Bairnsdale inbetween Christmas and New Year, 2019.

January 2020 with Courtney

Tasmania, January 2020

Ross Noble, February 2020

End of Cricket Season drinks, March 2020.

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amygeeunit · 4 years

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The Quarantine Chronicles: These Last Five Years & What I Thought I Wanted

There’s nothing like being alone in your own thoughts at 1:00am in the midst of a global pandemic... Instead of aimlessly scrolling through my Instagram timeline or checking my bank account with all the money I have saved from not going out, I’ve had time to think about what the 28 year old, almost 29 year old Amy needs versus wants...

I think in high school or at some point in our lives we have all fallen victim to “By the time I’m age this, I want to have x, y and z.” At 16, I thought at 25 I would have my life 85% figured out. Pretty funny concept now that you think about it, right? I actually laugh at how naive or how troublesome it is to have these unrealistic goals and tag an age onto them... I pictured myself living in a nice apartment, potentially dating someone, or if not just focusing on my career. Fast forward to 2020, besides this year being a complete clusterf*ck, I’ve had extra time to sit down and think of these last five years in a nutshell.

All I remember from 2015 was going to Vegas, still working in retail, having foot surgery and getting into CSUF. The rest is foggy because it’s been five years. Huh? I thought 2015 was last year...

2016 seemed to be one of my better years. I started at CSUF, went to Iceland, interned at Rastaclat, ended up getting a job at Rastaclat, entered into my first serious relationship, moved back out to Orange County and felt like at 24 - 25 I was killing the game (or so I thought.)

2017 wasn’t too bad. I graduated from CSUF in the spring, went to Oahu, continued on in my relationship and spent a majority of my time focusing on my career.

2018 is when life started to get real interesting. My pup, Ben G, passed away while I was out in Illinois visiting my cousin (long story to save for another post,) I started a new job at Pretty Great LLC, traveled to escape 99% of the time, started taking birth control that made me bloated, emotional and feel weird and moved back to Moreno Valley. During this time, my relationship started to crumble due to lack of communication, the wave of grief I was experiencing and everything in else in between that couples go through. I started going to therapy in July and in August, I had my first panic attack. In September, I decided I needed to get as far away from my life as possible. I booked a flight to Japan to visit Sarah since she was stationed out in Yokosuka. Yokosuka has a naval base and is about an hour from Tokyo. I talked to my boss at work a few weeks prior and asked for a week and a half off. Luckily, he was one of the most understanding and best people I have ever worked for in my career so far. Most bosses would have told you to “Get over it” or “Figure it out.” Rob Myers was a saving grace for me that year for letting me have my time off to not think about life.

While I was in Japan, I remember the time change messing me up quite a bit. I think it took around three days for me to finally be okay without passing out in the middle of the day. In short, this trip changed me. It changed how I traveled, it changed how I process emotions, it changed my outlook on life, it changed many things for me. I came back from this trip and my relationship was virtually over. I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know what to do, it just sort of fizzled like a candle using its last part of the wick. October came and I spent my birthday in Big Bear with my parents. I remember crying in the cabin when we got back from Octoberfest. I don’t think it really hit me that I was single, with no friends around and that 27 was already a shit show on day 1. I visited my best guy friend and his sisters in Arizona at the end of October to make up for the previous weekend. I had no idea that November could get any worse for me, but it did. It was two days before Thanksgiving, November 20th, 2018.

I was driving from Moreno Valley to Santa Ana one morning on my way to work. I took my normal route, left at my normal time, a pretty standard commute. About 2 miles from work, I was at a stop light. At this stop light I waited for about 30 seconds while the other cars went. The light turned green. As I was pressing my gas to accelerate, out of nowhere, a semi truck plows its way through the intersection and t-bones my driver’s side. I remember screaming. I remember it being like a scene from a Final Destination movie where the victim doesn’t know that death or uncertainty is upon them. In that moment, I remember thinking “This is it.” My reflexes shifted real quick and that was it. I remember pulling off to the side of the road leading up to the 5 freeway. I felt like my soul left my body for seconds then came back. I was shaking. I called my dad first and let him know what had happened. I called my mom and then the insurance company. I exchanged words and information with the driver. I remember being upset, but I couldn’t yell or get any words out. I just went by the protocol of what to do when you get involved with an accident. Sure, I have been rear ended before, but never t-boned and let alone by a damn semi truck. This accident passed, I was awarded some half ass money and in the midst of it all, I remember being so mentally drained that I cried out for help on Instagram Stories... I remember going through survivors guilt. I remember saying to myself “Why am I still here? There are people that die in accidents or by drunk/distracted drivers all the time... Why do I still have to live this life of pain and suffering?” In my mind and in 2018, I never knew how to take pain and suffering very well. I didn’t know it would shape me for what these next couple years would throw at me.

December came and went. It was like a sigh of relief for me to know that the vicious cycle of the 2018 rollercoaster was coming to an end. At this point, I kind of gave zero f*cks as to what happened in life. A few days before Christmas, I visited my Grandma in Illinois and my grandparents’ grave site. I think my trip to Illinois was some type of closure to my 2018 year. I hadn’t been back to Illinois since my Grandma’s funeral in 2011. It was a cold and frigid trip. It was the first trip I had ever driven by myself. The only cool thing was running into Ja Rule at the Palm Springs Airport (before the Fyre Festival documentary came out, otherwise I would have yelled at him.) He was on my flight to Chicago. Jeffrey Atkins, you sneaky motherfucker, you! How I wish I would have known about you tricking people with that one guy... I ordered a “Survived 2018″ crewneck from this small online business store, went to Disneyland with my mom on Christmas and threw caution to the wind.

2019 was interesting, but not as heavy as 2018. I called 2019 the year where I “rushed to get back to normalcy.” I realized the commute to PG was getting tiring pretty fast, I accepted being single and got back into dance. Dance saved my life, point blank. Whether it was subbing, teaching, training or being on a team, it brought back a sense of joy and also established new friendships along the way. I started a job at a marketing agency in March 2019 that was a short commute and about 6 months in, I realized this was something I wasn’t a fan of. It took me a while to realize that that was okay to feel uneasy about the jobs I once knew.

If I had to rate 2019 on a point scale, I would say it was a 6/10. I felt like the last few months I was suppose to be back to normal and healed from a lot of things I kept to myself. Dating people was weird because 1. I felt behind. What I mean by that was I thought by age 27 - 28, I would have met my “person,” by now. As I seen other friends get proposed to, plan their weddings and start their families, I started to feel like the odd woman out. Was there something wrong with me? Am I that complicated or hard to love? Are my values not aligning with people I like? Am I going to be that person that gets married at 40 or even at all? Will I always be the friend and not the potential girlfriend or wife? Who knows? 2. The reciprocity factor of it all and setting boundaries. 3. I don’t think I ever got over everything that had happened in my first relationship because we never cheated on each other, our trust when out without each other was never questioned and there was a best friend component in it. I was filled with regret, frustration and memories I forced myself to black out even after going to therapy and journaling it. Fact: I dread my birthday each year. I don’t like my birthday in general, but October I have mixed emotions about. The anniversary of my Grandma’s death is on 10/13, my Grandpa’s birthday is 10/14 and my birthday is 10/20. I spent the last couple months of 2019 drinking more than usual, especially after my friend, Beka, passed away suddenly in November. December came and went. I had my first trip to Puerto Vallarta and enjoyed some much needed beach time. I had this “idea” that I would move to the east coast with Sarah because I wanted to start over. That idea went out the window. I ended 2019 with buying a new car after having paid off my Kia Forte back in 2016.

It’s now 2020 and boy... It has been a shit show for the world I feel like. I can’t even begin to describe what a rollercoaster of emotions everyone is feeling right now, but I do have one word for me personally: gratitude. I started off the year so uneasy with finding out my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer again for a second time. I remember going into February with no expectations, yet I had expectations (weird right?) Without going into too much detail I felt like that quote by DJ Khaled saying “Congratulations, you played ya self!” I was constantly frantic about work, friendships, relationships, my future, dance, my parents, basically everything. I was a walking, talking ball of stress. March came around and I downloaded Bumble (yup, I went there) and matched with a really nice guy who actually knew two of my nurse friends. Then, COVID-19 was in full effect in the states and suddenly the idea of dating or wanting any kind of human interaction made me cringe... I had to politely excuse myself and move on. I checked in on friends and they checked in on me.

I’ve spent more time with my parents, more time on myself and then it finally clicked: I am where I need to be in this exact moment. I don’t want to date anyone in quarantine, I don’t want to understand or have expectations for another human like I’ve been searching for these last 6 months. What the fuck, Amy? You are everything you need right now and it is not in another person. I’ve danced in quarantine, I’ve cried in quarantine, I’ve laughed in quarantine, I’ve journaled in quarantine, I’ve found myself again in quarantine. As easy as it sounds for most people, the concept is quite large. Since I was 18 years old, I have ALWAYS wanted to live by myself and try it out. It’s ten years later and in the midst of this uncertain time period, I know that 2020 is the year that I finally accomplish this. So, in short, 2021 I’ll be back on the “dating” field or whatever, but 2020 is my year to literally work. on. myself. This includes: my relationship with myself, my relationship with my friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, etc., my health regiment, my mental health, my physical health, my emotional health, I think you get the point, right? In a time where some of us feel alone, I feel secure. My days vary and maybe I’ll post something tomorrow where I say “That post was trash, quarantine was terrible,” and while it is on most days, I’m so grateful to connect more deeply with people on a spiritual and conversational level. I was tired of hiding behind my day-to-day busy routine when I finally came to terms with myself.

We are all in this together. We are all processing what we need and want. I use this blog as a way to express and share what so many people keep to themselves. Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I’m too out there. Either way, to each their own.

Until next time.

#quarantine #quarantinechronicles #bloggingfromquarantine

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rabexxpaulson · 6 years

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How It All Bloomed - Pt.1 (Rally)

A/N: Part 1 of how I see the relationship between Ally and Rachel developing ^^ Please, give me some feedback, it means the world to me! Hope you guys like it!! xoox

Ally could never had imagined; It was unsual, you see, to fall for you son's school teacher. When Ozymandias came home with a letter from school, the woman didn't quite get what was happening.

Dear Allyson Mayfair,

We'd like to discuss your son's situation in our school next year; We're creating a program for advanced young minds and we think Ozymandias would be perfect to join it.

Our school board will be doing a meeting to explain it's purpose and politics on November 20th, and we'd really appreciate it if you could come.

Atenciously, your principal.

After going to the meeting and deciding it was just another form of pressuring her son's mind, Ally decided to keep him at the regular program; The poor kid had gone through enough things for a lifetime, after all, and the last thing he needed right now was someone pushing him to "his fully potential and beyond", like the principal had said. With this decidion made, another letter came.

Dear Allyson Mayfair,

Due to our new Avenced Program, next year we'll be having a few changes on our school professors; We'll be hiring new ones to supply the amount of classes we'll be teaching, they being just as qualified as ours already existing ones.

This note is only for clarifying purposes.

Atenciously, your principal.

The new school year arrived, and with it, the new divisions of classes and teachers; Ally started getting concerned for her son's mental well being, explaining to him a million times that no program was better than the other, and that no one should make him feel bad for not joining the new one. Fortunately, Ozymandias had a heart of gold, and none of the teasings that happened bothered him, instead for one particular class: English - With the new teacher, Miss Stevens. Receiving a call from school, Allyson's brows furrowed when she heard the voice on the other side of the line; Instead of the usual masculine one, a sweet, feminine voice spoke to her now.

"Miss Mayfair?" The sweet voice asked.

"Yes?" Ally answered as she frowned, wondering who could it be.

"This is Miss Stevens, Ozymandias' new English teacher,"

It all made sense; Ally had been receiving notes from school talking about how concerned they were with Ozy's attitude during English class, and the brunette herself had realized how on Wednesdays and Fridays the boy seemed to be always a bit upset before and after school.

"I'm calling because I think it'd be nice if we could schedule a meeting to talk about his situation during my classes"

The brunette's brows furrowed again - This time, with concern; Oz had never had any problems in school before, but again, who could blame him for it now? He had just lost a mother, and the situations he had experienced were nothing normal for a 11 year old kid. "Sure... when would be best for you?"

"How does tomorrow at 6 P.M. sounds?"

"It's perfect, thank you so much, Miss Stevens"

"Thank you, Allyson"

The phone hung up and Ally found herself curious; What had been going on with Ozy? How did Miss Stevens looked like?

The days passed and the encounters between the two women started getting more and more frequent; Ozymandias had been being bullied during Miss Steven's classes, and it caused his grades to drop - something unusual for the boy. Ally and Rachel had agreed on meeting every week to discuss his behavior and situation during classes; Perhaps every week was a bit too much, but had they been a little more perspective of their feelings, they'd have realized what was really going on underneath all the ethic skin.

Two months passed, and the encounters continued going on; Oz had been seeing a therapist and the boy who had been bullying him had been asked to stop - The school talked with his parents, explaining the situation. Turns out the boy had problems at home, and just needed a little of validation; Ozymandias' grades had gotten normal once again, but the encounters between the two women didn't stop. At the first month, Rachel wouldn't mind being called Miss Stevens by Ally, but as she realized some weird feelings, the title became weird - It put a boundary between the two, and it just didn't feel right. Not with the brunette.

"I would prefer you to call me Rachel, if that's alright" The blonde said softly, the books above her lap as she stared at the other woman in front of her; Both were on their usual week meeting, sat on school chairs. It was a lie, you see; Rachel would never allow a parent or a student to call her by her first name - But again, the title didn't feel right with Allyson.

"Of course" The brunette smiled, a stray of brown hair peing pulled behind her ear. "I'd prefer you to call me Ally, then" Another smile, this one followed by a chuckle. "Allyson is too formal"

It was a weird conversation, a weird way to break the ice - But it worked. It worked pretty well, actually. Another month passed by, and the encounters were still going on; Every Friday, at 6 P.M.. The conversations between the two, however, had changed. What was before a whole 60 minutes talking about Ozy had turned into 50, 45, 30... and quickly, it turned to 5, 0; The subject of the conversation had changed. Now it was about them, something personal, getting to know each other; It was not normal, but it was also something subconscious, a subtle change, something both of them didn't notice.

"Why did you move here?" Ally asked, the usual sweet tone present in her voice, curious brown eyes staring at blue ones; Rachel had began to dress different - Her flannels and jeans had turned into shirts and skirts, the before sneakers turned into simple heels. Allyson didn't mind.

"After my mom died I fell into a deep depression... I guess I needed to change airs, change the people and the things I was used to" Rachel explained; She had noticed it, too - How Ally had changed her usual sneakers and big coats to high-waisted jeans and crop-top sweaters, completed by boots. She didn't mind, either.

"I'm so sorry" The brunette let her hand rest on top of the blonde's bare knee - It was an usual thing for her, to offer comfort with small, tender touches. However, this time, the touch was different; The warmth that radiated from the pale skin bellow her fingertips seemed to melt her skin. Blue eyes were glued on her hand, Rachel's lip caught between her pearl teeth; It was tempting.

"It's alright" Blue eyes went up to brown ones, her pale hand going over Ally's, caressing it softly, tenderly; It felt good.

That night, at home, the blonde caught herself turning in bed; Her mind was all over the place, weird thoughts about the brunette kept passing through her mind. What is going on?

It was a rough, sleepless night for Rachel; She thought and thought, trying to figure out what had been going on. Allyson was nice, nicer than anyone had been in years, and she had this thing of truly caring about things, a different way than other people; Ally was different. She meant different.

Another month passed by, the encounters never going away; Rachel had been the first person Ally had trusted to tell her the story of the Cult, the story of Ivy - What had really happened to Ivy. Different than other people, the blonde had no trouble understanding things; Ivy had tried killing the brunette, had tried taking their son away, had teared the family apart, broken Ally in a way that, perhaps, could never be fixed again.

"I understand" Rachel said softly, trying to comfort the crying brunette in front of her, hands taking the other woman's, caressing it; The small touches had become normal, usual between the two - It was their way to show they cared. And, with the simple understanding words, Ally started to understand things, to understand why they had been seeing each other for nearly 5 months now, even if Ozy was already okay.

Another week passed by, and as usual, Friday arrived; 6 P.M., the same room, the same two women talking; This time, however, the blonde didn't carry her usual aura. She had red, puffy eyes, and the words were barely leaving her mouth. It was one of these days, these days that Rachel missed her mother, these days that she felt alone, unwanted, worthless.

"Why don't we go out? We could go to my place, your place, a bar... anywhere, I'm not leaving you alone like that" The brunette said softly, causing the teary woman to open a soft, sweet smile. "Ozy is out to a friend's house, so I have the whole night free"

"Are you sure that's how you want to spend your free Friday night?" The blonde chuckled softly, sadly. "With your son's, crying mess teacher?"

"C'mon, Rachel, you know damn well that you're my friend by now" Allyson chuckled as well, getting up from the chair and offering a hand to the blonde; That night was special, unusual. Both had gone to Rachel's house, spending the night together, talking, occasionally sipping on the red wine both had stopped to buy; The blonde had offered Allyson a pair of more comfortable clothes, and the brunette didn't think twice when accepting it, putting on the pair of pajama pants and the huge jumper, laughing at herself, a joke or two being made. That night, both had fallen asleep on the couch, a random movie on the tv, the bottle now empty, more laughs than tears being shared; Rachel understood, and so did Allyson, what was starting to blossom between the two.

The next Saturday was unusual, just like the whole week; They didn't spend the week waiting for Friday to talk to each other - Instead, the blonde decided to message the older woman. I deserve to give a shot to my happiness.

R: Hey, it's Rachel.

A: Oh hey there! Is everything alright? Are you feeling any better?

R: I am, thank you so much for Friday night... I was really needing it.

A: Of course! Glad to hear it.

R: Thank you, that's very sweet... So, I was wondering, would you like to grab lunch on Wednesday? I have the morning free of classes and I was thinking it could be nice?

A: I'd love to! I'll pick you up at 11:30!

R: Alright, see you then! xo

A: See you! xx

Wednesday soon arrived, and Ally found herself nervous while she drove; Ozymandias had classes on the mornings and afternoons on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, so the day Rachel had chosen just couldn't have been better. Turning on the street of the younger woman's house, Allyson bit her lip. Is it supposed to be a date? As soon as the brunette parked in front of the building, Rachel got off of it; The usual smile was present once again, and it caused the brunette's stomach to tighten a little, in a way she didn't feel since she had first met Ivy. She's incredibly gorgeous.

"Hey" The blonde smiled softly as she entered the car, the pile of books still on her hands, cheeks slightly pink.

"Hey there, let me help you with those" Allyson took the books and carefully placed them on the backseat, soon turning to the other woman again.

"Thank you so much" Rachel grinned sweetly, her hands pulling her hair out of her face, fixing it. I probably look like a mess. "I'm sorry for dropping this invitation out of nowhere... I just, I guess I needed a-"

"Rachel" Allyson cut her off sweetly, a hand caressing the blonde's, both now resting on Rachel's knee. "I was really happy that you invited me, it's alright"

The blonde nodded, and so they followed to the restaurant; Both talked the whole way, sweet nothings being shared, glances being stolen, laughs being shared. Touches, touches were longed for, desired for, but still not exchanged. Not until next Friday, not until their next meeting.

Friday arrived fast, both women now understanding their feelings better, their needs better; The meeting started as usual - The same class, the same two chairs in front of each other, the same feet barely brushing. This time, however, the blonde let her foot brush softly on Ally's, the brunette staring down and up again, smiling shyly as she brushed her own on Rachel's.

"It was nice having lunch with you this week" The brunette started, the pressure between the two being as thick as a wall. "Ozy is going to a sleepover tomorrow night, what do you think about going out again?"

"I'd love to" Rachel smiled, her foot never stopping. Is it a date? "Where are we going?"

"There's this nice restaurant near my place, we could go there, have a great meal, talk..." Ally's foot didn't stop moving either, the clues now being given, cards leaning on the table.

"That's nice, yes" The blonde offered another smile, blue eyes falling down to their touching feet, a lip being bitten once again, sight meeting chocolate hues right after.

"Good" Ally said sweetly, a hint of excitement being heard in her tone. "I'll come pick you up at 8, is that alright?"

"Perfect" Rachel's chest was starting to fill with the cliché butterflies, a flip or two being given.

"Perfect" Allyson repeated, another sweet smile being given. "Would you like a ride home? Today, I mean" A shy chuckle, the embarrassment of having already slightly burning cheeks.

"That'd be awesome, yes" The blonde chuckled as well. She's adorable.

After collecting their things, both women were now at the car, Ally driving to the blonde's place, glances here and there, arms brushing too; The car soon parked, and the brunette smiled to Rachel, not wanting to say goodbye, but excited to the next day.

"I'll see you tomorrow" Ally remembered, more to herself than to anyone else, a soft smile on her lips.

"Yes" Rachel nodded sweetly, starting to unbuckle herself up; She stoped in her seat, staring at brown eyes; The streets were already dark, and the moonlight caused shinny brown eyes to shine even more. The blonde felt like she could get lost on chocolate oceans, her breath getting heavy all of a sudden; A soft hand touched hers, causing the whole trance to be broken. Blue eyes stared down to Ally's hand on top of hers, the skin to skin feeling just right; Rachel's sight went up once again, a soft smile, faces closer, her free hand brushing a stray of Ally's hair away from her face, cupping her cheek, lips colliding, both melting at the longed contact - Their lips were soft against each other, tongues seemed to dance on the same rhythm, hands caressing each other. The touch was broken when air became a necessity, both panting softly, faces still close, hands still touching each other, a soft smile being settled on both faces. "I'll see you tomorrow" The blonde repeated, gently pulling apart, smiling to the brunette as she got off of the car.

Allyson watched as Rachel got inside the building, a silly, soft smile on her lips, the thoughts of tomorrow in mind.

#Rachel Stevens #Miss Stevens #Lily Rabe #sarah paulson #fanfic #rally #ally mayfair richards #rabexxpaulson

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michael-hearteyes-wheeler · 7 years

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Bad Brains

[1] [2] [3]

Chapter 4: At War with Myself.

(AO3) (FFnet)

November 15th, 1987

When El said goodbye to her old life, she had left everything behind and not looked back. She thought she could just drop everything and start over, with a new family, in a new town, at a new school, and a new outlook. She was right for the most part, but one thing she didn't account for were the nightmares.

God the nightmares.

It was like her own brain was betraying her. Every night she would go to sleep and be forced to relieve everything that she had gone through. Being passed around from home to home, every abusive foster parents, every meal she missed, every time she had been abandoned and left alone to fend for herself.

She lost count, after awhile, of all of the people and places she had met. All of their faces began to blur together into one ugly scowl of resentment and hatred. And in her dreams that same face taunted her, and chased her, and made her feel like the scum of the earth. She heard their voices, telling her that she wasn't good enough, that no one would ever love her. That she was doomed to spend her life unwanted and forgotten about.

These dreams always put her in a haze for the days that followed. Like a black cloud of self hatred and fear that she couldn't escape. The Therapist Hop made her see had told her it was normal, and that after a while it would go away, but that didn't make it any easier.

One more than one occasion her sobbing had woken Hopper up from his room down the hall, he always tried his best to console her, but some things are just too painful to leave in the past, they just haunt you forever.

Tonight was different though. Instead of being woken up by her adoptive father gently holding her and telling her it would be okay, she woke up to complete and utter silence. She jolted upright, and tried to listen for the sounds of Hoppers breathing down the hallway, but there was nothing. No TV downstairs, no shuffling in the kitchen, no footsteps in the bathroom. It was strange, and unsettling, and it was far too reminiscent of all of the times this had happened in the past.

Waking up alone in a house you barely recognize, with no one around to hold you.

She swung her legs out from under her thick quilt into the cool night air. She tiptoed across her room and opened the door, not wanting to make a sound. She made her way to the staircase and listened hard for the usual sounds of the TV blaring some late night talk show below, but there was only silence in reply. She took a deep breath and descended the stairs.

She felt the breath leave her body when she saw his keys were still hanging up on the tiny hook next to his hat. He’s still here. She walked into the living room.

She could see his outline, wrapped in pulsing blue light from the TV screen. He was sitting in his usual chair, but instead of watching the program, he had set it on silent, and he was resting his head in his hand, the way he did when he was upset.

“Hop?” She said after a few seconds. Her voice so hoarse it was hardly more than a whisper.

Jim didn't say anything, instead he just stuck his arm out and waved El over. She complied, rounding his chair to face him. He had been crying, his skin was red and puffy and his eyes were badly bloodshot. She had never seen him cry before, he was always so strong.

“What's wrong?” Her own voice caught in her throat as if she had been the one crying.

He said nothing again, but he pulled her into a bear hug, holding her tightly as she curled into his lap. It was strange, but it also felt completely necessary. No one had held her, or hugged her, or cradled her in years, but it was something she didn't know she needed until tears started rolling down her cheeks.

They stayed that way for a long time. Both silent, the only noise spilling quietly from the TV in the corner. Jim rubbed her head, her hair was a mess of loose curls from her shower the night before. It was rare that she didn't have them slicked back and he always messed with them when he got the chance.

“I hope you know that I care about you more than anyone else in the world.” He finally said. His voice even more gravely than usual.

She pulled away from the hug to look at him, for the first time, finally seeing what he looked like when he cried. She could hear the sincerity in his voice, and read it in his eyes, but it was hard for her accept. “Why?” It was the only thing she could think to say.

“Because you needed someone to take care of you. Because you were all alone but you still acted so tough” He chuckled despite his tears. “And because while I thought I was just doing my job, just doing the right thing, I needed someone to take care of. I needed a reason to be a better person.” His voice was full of guilt and remorse. He sounded so vulnerable compared to how calloused he usually was.

With that she started crying harder. Her small frame shaking with her sobs. He hugged her closer and rocked her gently the way he used to with his own daughter.

“I just hope you know how much I love you, Kid. Even if it takes you the rest of your life to believe. I love you.”

El hugged her father tighter. His words were hard to swallow, because not long ago she wouldn't have been able to believe him. But now that they were all each other had, she knew she had to start the process of forgiving herself for all of the things she blamed herself for, and move on. When everyone leaves you, you start to assume it's your fault, but Jim never let her think for a second that it was.

“I know Jim. I love you too.”

November 20th, 1987

The next week flew by.

Max’s evil plan had gone off without a hitch. Thompson cancelled his classes for two days while he and the janitor cleaned up the mess. They had no leads as to who the perpetrators were because, after all, he was the most hated teacher in school.

Max and El started spending more and more time with the Geek Team, or the ‘Party’ as they called it. Max, Dustin and Lucas formed an unlikely bond and hung out almost every chance they got. They often rode around together, the boys on their bikes and Max on her board, to the arcade after school. Rumor has it that Max even went with them to the library one day so Dustin could show her his favorite book about the history of practical jokes.

El and Will bonded pretty quickly too. It turns out that little Byers had a pretty expansive music taste.

“I should have known!” El had told Will after finding his The Clash mix in his backpack. “Jonathan complimented me on my Talking Heads shirt on the first day of school. He was like the first person to ever talk to me here.”

Then began a daily routine of gushing over new albums and songs, and debating the merits of one band over another. They made each other mixtapes and often walked to and from the classes they shared, squishing their heads together to listen to Els dinky headphones.

The only one who seemed out of place was Mike. Ever since Max told him the way El felt, a concept he still had trouble believing, he found it really hard to be around with her without turning into a big dope. He was almost jealous of Wills connection with her, but ultimately he was just happy Will had found someone he had so much in common with.

It was a grouping that rattled the entire High School social ladder. Could scary punk girls really be friends with scrawny nerds? Could brainiacs really stand hanging around cigarette smoking, thick-skulled, freaks? It was weird, that was for sure, but it didn't really start to freak anyone out until the first day that they all sat together at lunch.

“Holy shit are they coming to eat with us!?” Dustin spat as the two girls, lunch trays in hand, slowly made their way across the cafeteria.

“Why wouldn't they? They are our friends aren't they?” Mike said, pushing his gross mushy peas around on the plastic tray.

“Well yeah! But sitting with someone at lunch is a way bigger deal than just hanging out in between classes. Once you eat lunch with someone you are socially cemented together for life!”

“Stop being so dramatic.” Lucas flicked Dustin's ear. “I'm just glad they aren't eating out behind the dumpster like usual. That's what’s weird.”

The girls walked over, faining obliviousness to the blatant stairs from around the room, and plopped down at the boys table. Max taking a seat next to Lucas, and El squeezing herself in between Will and Mike.

“So what are we doing today?” Max said with a mouthful of bread.

“What do you mean?” Will asked.

“Its friday, as in the weekend, as in no school so we need to do something fun.”

“We could go to the arcade!” Lucas chimed.

“Ugh no we do that like everyday and i'm out of money.” Max groaned. The other boys nodded and mumbled something about being broke too.

“Okay well... We could go to the library.” Dustin contemplated.

“I mean I guess, but that hardly sounds like an exciting weekend.” Max rolled her eyes.

Mike thought about all of the things that might be fun to do, but he figured that most of them were too dorky for El and Max to want to be a part of. He looked over at El and watched her passively stab at her food. Mostly just mixing it around rather than eating it.

“Everything okay?” He asked her quietly. It's not like the other could hear over Dustin and Max’s bickering anyway.

“Huh?” She looked up at him, suddenly snapped back to reality. “Oh yeah. Everything is fine I just... i'm failing geometry and my dad is totally going to freak out on me. Mrs. Lawrence asked me to stay after class and everything. I doubt i'll be able to do anything this weekend.”

“Oh that really sucks.” He mused. Mike had never failed anything in his life, and he could only imagine the wrath of his mother if he ever did. He had always enjoyed math in all of its forms, he excelled at it. He was even Mrs. Lawrence's star pupil, a title that earned him a lot of torment.

“Are you hearing this shit El!?” Max hollered from across the table. El jumped from the startle of being yelled at and looked up. “They told me there is a cool junk yard on a hill! It has a bunch of old broken down cars and TV’s and stuff!”

“That sounds cool.” El smiled with a slight nod. “But I don't think I can hang out today.”

“Well your loss then, i'm totally going to smash in some windows.” Max high-fived Dustin and Lucas and they planned their entire trip.

The rest of the day went by in a fog for El. The emotional interaction she had with Hopper just a few days before had put her in a weird headspace. She really was learning to love him, even if it terrified her. He was goofy, and protective, and above all else he was trying. So she wanted to try too.

El had always been great with anything English related. When she didn't have anyone to play with or talk to, books became her best friends. So while she had an A in English Lit., and in her creative writing class, math was another story. She hated it. Numbers made no sense to her. Not the way words did. But, she had promised herself to stay out of detention, and to get her grades up, and if that meant suffering through after school study sessions with her teacher then so be it.

After her final class of the day, she made the long walk of shame back to Mrs. Lawrence's classroom and waved goodbye to Max, Dustin, and Lucas who were all going off to the junkyard.

“Good afternoon Ms. Hopper.” Lawrence said from behind her romance novel. “Why don't you take a seat while we wait for your tutor to arrive.”

“Tutor?” El gaped. Her heart started racing at the thought of having to spend the next three hours with some asshole, mouth breathing, brainiac who would no doubt belittle and talk down to her the entire time.

“Yes dear. Here he comes now.”

El swiveled around to watch her dreaded mentor walk through. But instead of some rude, gossipy stranger it none other than;

“Mike!?” Els mouth fell open, and then turned into a wide grin. Three hours alone with Mike in the quiet library? That didn't sound too bad at all.

“Mr. Wheeler has the highest grade of all my students” Mrs. Lawrence beamed, standing up from her desk with a stack of papers that she handed to Mike. “This is everything Ms. Jane needs to get caught up on. I know its a lot but if anyone can help her it's you.”

“Yeah no problem, it's my pleasure.” Mike smiled coyly at El and she blushed.

The two of them walked slowly toward the schools library where a couple of other students were studying. It was mostly empty and really quite. They found a private corner with two cozy chairs and a small table between them and set up the stacks of papers, sharp pencils, and textbooks. El and Mike couldn't stop stealing quick glances at each other.

El pulled her legs up into her chair so she was criss-cross, and leaning over her hardly used textbook. Mike noticed the tiny doodles all over the tips of her converse, and the way she nervously picked at her chipped black nail polish. When Mrs. Lawrence had asked him to tutor someone after school he had practically jumped out of his skin, knowing it would be El. And now he got to watch the way her nose wrinkled in confusion at problems she didn't understand, and the way she rubbed the bridge of her nose the way he had seen Chief Hopper do whenever he had to come to the school to break up a fight.

“So...” Mike started, remembering a key piece of information that Mrs. Lawrence had told him. El looked up, her doe eyes expectant. “Jane?”

El's wide eyes somehow shot open wider and her mouth dropped open into a half surprised, half smiling, glare. “Do not call me that!” She slammed her textbook closed and pointed a finger at him. He couldn't help but laugh.

“Why not? Jane is a good name.” He snickered.

“Oh my god no its not! It's a name for a grandma!” She rubbed her temples. “I haven't gone by Jane since I was like 6. It's not me.”

“Well where does El come from then?”

“It was a nickname an old friend gave me a long time ago. Its short for Eleven.” She shrugged, her cheeks turning a brilliant shade of pink. Eleven had been her bed number at the massive foster home she stayed at. Everyone called each other by their bed numbers, or their home cities. Keeping a level of unfamiliarity between each other, because they knew nothing was permanent.

“Eleven? Like the number?” His nose crinkled in confusion.

“Its... kind of a long story.” El's smile faded as she glanced at her shoes.

“Well I think Jane is cute.” He smiled at her. His freckles rising and falling on his cheeks.

El's heart constricted and her stomach twisted itself into little buzzing knots, and just like that, she was grinning again. He was so nice, and sweet, and adorable! It made her feel like her protective walls were coming down and it horrified her.

‘God I am such a sucker.’

He was still staring at her and her heart only beat faster.

‘Shit what would Max do? What would Max say? Max wouldn't be a little coward.’

“Well I think you're cute.” She said, turning her nose up just slightly the way Max always did. Mikes eyes flew open and now it was hit turn to redden and bury his face in his hands.

“Lets... lets just study okay?” He said under his breath with an embarrassed grin.

El opened her book again and they started tackling one assignment after another. Mike really was great at geometry, and he was even good at explaining it in a way that made sense. A couple of times he had shifted to the very edge of his seat so that their knees were touching. He would lean over the book in her lap and point to various problems on the page and simplify them for her. She loved watching the way he pushed up the sleeves of his long polo when he got invested in explaining a problem, and the way he bit his lips when he focused. She was actually having fun while learning!

Every time she looked up from her notes, the sight of him made her head swim. She couldn't quite figure it out. Why did he make her feel this way? It was all so new and unfamiliar. They had very little in common, at least from what she knew about him, and if it weren't for Lucas and Dustin wanting to be daredevils all of the sudden then they would never have hung out in the first place. Mike was painfully dorky, and painfully different than anyone El had ever imagined herself being with, and yet she imagined being with him all the time. What was it about him that drew her in?

For Mike it was much of the same. El was definitely the last person he ever expected to be making heart-eyes at in the Library. She certainly wasn't the type of girl that his parents would want him bringing home (although they would probably be happy with him bringing any girl home). But everything about her fascinated him. At first it seemed like maybe it was just the fact that she was the first girl to ever really talk to him, or laugh at his jokes, or invite him to hang out. He assumed it would wear off and she would become just his good friend the way Max was, but the longer they spent time together the more intense his feelings became. Suddenly it was like everything she did filled him with fascination and adoration.

She was a mystery that he wanted to solve. He closed his book and stretched, feeling a bit stiff from leaning over his notes for so long.

“El?” He asked tentatively, wanting to get to the bottom of at least some part of all this. She looked up at him curiously with those warm doe eyes of hers. “What... what is your deal?” He wasn't really sure how to put it, but he knew that that probably wasn't it.

“My deal?” El asked raising her eyebrows and looking somewhat offended.

“Shit I didn't mean it like that... I just mean like...” He thought for a second, wanting to find better words this time. “I have just never met anyone like you before, and I never thought someone like you would want to talk to someone like me, let alone hang out with me. And I have never been to Chicago so I don't know what people look like or act like there but you are just so different from what I thought you would be.” By the end of his speech he was mumbling and speeding through his words.

El laughed and closed her book. “Haven't you ever heard the saying ‘Don't Judge a book by its cover?’ She waved her textbook at him. She was still smiling, so that was a good sign, wasn't it?

“Well yeah of course I have I just mean-”

“You just mean that you thought I was going to be some angry, bitter, feminist, psycho who would rather kick your teeth than be seen talking to a nerd.” El interrupted, still smiling but also still completely dejected.

“No no not at all!” Mike back-peddled. El raised her eyebrows and he caved. “Okay yeah maybe a little.”

“Well there are a lot of things you don't know about me.” El crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. “I might be a little bitter, and a little angry but you would be too if you had seen the things that I have seen. But i'm not mean, at least not to people who don't deserve it.”

Mike felt like an idiot. “You're right. I don't really know anything about you, but I would like too.”

She eyed him carefully. He was getting way too close for comfort with her emotions. “We are just from completely different planets okay? You wouldn't get it.”

Now it Mikes turn to be offended. He may not share her experiences but he considered himself a fairly empathetic person. “You don't know that I wouldn't get it. There is a lot you don't know about me either.”

“Let's see about that.” El snorted, sitting forward to look directly at him. “I'll bet your parents are still together, and super in love. I bet your dad has a good job and makes a ton of money so your mom gets to stay home all day baking cakes. I bet when your dad comes home at night your mom drops everything and hands him a beer and rubs his feet. I bet they love and support you and give you everything you have ever wanted.” Her eyes were like daggers, piercing through him.

Mike scoffed and shook his head. “Now who is judging who? I'll have you know that my dad is a bastard. I wish my parents would just split up already because they may as well be complete strangers. My dad thinks I am a loser and my mom tries her best, I guess, but they both basically don't pay any attention to me.” He was raising his voice slightly, talking about his family always put him on edge. El just stared at him silently, clearly not expecting the outburst.

“I'm the only boy, and my dad wanted so badly for me to be into sports and be all athletic like he was in school, but i'm not and I know he resents me for it. So yeah, maybe I have had a good comfortable life with two parents in a nice house, and maybe my parents do love me but the definitely don't like me.” Mike slumped back in his chair with his arms crossed tightly against himself.

El softened, realizing that all of that was probably really hard for him to say. She put a hand on his knee despite him looking away from her. “Look i'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off like a bitch, okay? I know what's it's like to have an asshole father. Believe me.”

Mike turned towards her and dropped his arms into his lap. El was still holding his knee but she was staring solemnly at the ground. “Is... Is that why Hopper adopted you? Because of your dad?” He asked in almost a whisper.

El took a deep breath and nodded. She could feel her protective force field falling down around her, and as much at it terrified her, it also felt like maybe it was the right thing to do. Maybe it was better to talk about it.

“Yeah. Kind of. It's a lot.... that I don't really want to get into.” She pulled her hand from Mike's leg to play with the frays on her shoe laces nervously.

“You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But i'm here if you need to talk.” He patted her arm gently and it made her smile.

“Thanks. It's just hard to think about.” She took a sobering breath and gained her composure. “I was really little so I don't remember very much, so I guess that's good. But before Hopper found me I was living on the streets with some other foster kids. I looked up to them a lot and they showed me all about music, and art, and about how corrupt society is. We ran away and it was scary but it felt really exciting to be part of something for the first time. We were like a family..”

“Do you miss them?” Mike asked quietly.

El shrugged.. “Sometimes. But they bailed on me too. That's when Hopper found me, and I am really grateful for that.” She grinned crookedly. She had only ever really opened up to Max about any of that, and it wasn't even scratching the surface of what she was holding onto. But saying it all out loud made it easier somehow, like it wouldn't weigh on her so heavily.

“Well i'm glad you are here now, and that you have a family, and new friends.” He smiled at her, leaning in closer, their faces only a few inches apart. “Because we would never leave you or hurt you.”

“You can’t know that.” She dropped her gaze from his to her hands in her lap.

“I promise.” He grabbed her hands in his and squeezed them lightly. “Our parties number one rule is that friends don't lie.” He tilted his head under hers so that she was forced to look at him, and could see that he meant it. “And besides, if I can put up with Lucas and Dustin after all of these years then i’m sure you will be no problem at all.” He flashed a silly grin at her and it made her chuckle.

“Okay then. It's a promise.” She pulled from his grasp and held her hand out firmly for him to shake. He did so sternly and they both giggled, turning red in the face.

Usually El didn’t care about someone else's promise, because no one had ever kept their word to her before, but something about Mike seemed so trustworthy. She still had a difficult time with even the idea of opening up. She still blamed herself for so much, and with Mikes kindness and honestly, it just felt like too much. Like she didn't deserve it. Like he would, at any moment, realize that she was a mess, and he and the rest of the party were far better off without her. That they would leave her too, but at least she was willing to try. Mike made her want to try.

Three long dreaded hours had flown by in only minutes, and before either of them knew it, the Librarians as informing them that the library would be closing.

“So did any of that help?” Mike asked as he shoved his notebooks back into his backpack.

“Yeah actually, it helped a lot. I think I can probably finish the rest of this over the weekend.” She smiled at him and stood up, slinging her bag over her shoulder.

They both made their way outside into the chilly November evening. The sun was still about an hour from setting, but everything was vaguely tinted a pale shade of autumn orange. They both stood in awkward silence for a few minutes, neither wanting to say goodbye just yet.

Mike reached up and rubbed the back of his neck, looking at the ground. “I um... I had fun hanging out with you.” His pale freckles were awash in red blush.

“I had fun hanging out with you too.” El punched his arm playfully. “And if I need any help with my homework this weekend, i'll call you.”

“Sounds good.” He beamed, smiling wider than he meant to. “Okay well... I guess I will see you later?”

“Yeah see you around.” El hugged her denim jacket tighter around herself and prepared for the walk home. Mike turned around and shuffled off towards the bike rack, when El remembered something. “Hey Mikey?” She hollered.

He whipped around so quickly that he tripped over his own feet, making her giggle. “Yeah what's up?” He semi-jogged back over to her.

She dug into her backpack and pulled out her Walkman. She pressed the little eject button and the tape deck popped open. “Here, why don't you listen to this over the weekend and report back to me with what you think on Monday. That way you have homework too.” She grinned.

“Yeah sounds awesome!” He blurted. She giggled again.

“Okay, Wheeler. See ya.” She waved goodbye one last time and turned away, walking up the long hill towards home. She reached reflexively for the pack of cigarettes in her pocket and lit one, letting warm smoke waft into the fall air around her. It was one of the first times in a long time that she wasn't using it to calm her nerves, because the nerves she felt were strangely comforting.

Mike held the little plastic tape in his hands and felt warm blush cross his face for what must have been the hundredth time that evening.

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mustafa-el-fats · 4 years

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The United States Is Not a Democracy. Stop Telling Students That It Is.

November 17, 2020

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By Ursula Wolfe-Rocca

When U.S. voters cast their votes in the 2020 November election, an unchecked pandemic raged through the nation, uprisings against racism and police violence stretched into their eighth month, and new climate change-intensified storms formed in the Atlantic. The reactionary and undemocratic system by which we select our president was an insult to the urgency of the moment. Although the most recent tallies show more than 5 million more people voted for Joe Biden than for Donald Trump, thanks to the Electoral College, it took several days to learn who won. To the relief of many, it appears that this time — unlike 2000 or 2016 — the candidate who got the most votes nationwide also won the election.

When our students only learn about this exceptionally strange system from their corporate-produced history and government textbooks, they have no clue why this is how we choose our president. More importantly, they develop a stunted sense of their own power — and little reason to believe they might have the potential to create something better.

To review: A voter in Montana gets 31 times the electoral bang for their presidential vote than a voter in New York. A voter in Wyoming has 70 times the representation in the Senate as a voter in California, while citizens in Puerto Rico or Washington D.C. have none. The Republican Senate majority that recently confirmed Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court, was elected by 14 million fewer votes than the 47 senators who voted against her confirmation.

Source: Michael Fleshman via Flickr.

Yet politicians and pundits regularly pronounce the United States a “democracy,” as if that designation is self-evident and incontrovertible. Textbooks and mainstream civics curricula make the same mistake, treating democracy as a fact rather than an enduring struggle — in which our students can play a critical role.

The standard iteration of “civics” in schools stipulates the brilliance of the framers, the democratic nature of the U.S. system, the infallibility of the Constitution (it was built to be amended!), so that our institutions seem outside of history and beyond politics. As the Koch Brothers-funded Bill of Rights (BRI) Institute states,

The founding documents are the true primary sources of America. Writings such as the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and others written from 1764 to 1791, showcase the philosophical, traditional, and political foundations on which our nation was built and that continue to shape our free society.

“Our free society.” One danger of a curriculum that declares the United States “free” is that it casts all U.S. institutions, by definition, as also free. The district-adopted textbook I was assigned last year in my Portland, Oregon, suburb, America Through the Lens (National Geographic, 2019), says about the 2016 presidential election, “…Trump won a narrow majority of voters in a number of swing states, or states where the election might go to either party. Even though almost 3 million more Americans cast their votes for Clinton, Trump won the electoral vote 306 to 232.” Since freedom is assumed, this textbook sees no need to offer any elaboration of a system in which “swing states” are decisive, and in which the person selected by the majority of voters does not win the presidency.

Perhaps the editors of America Through the Lens assume students have read a previous section of the text on the Electoral College? No. Paging back to the chapter on the Constitution, one finds only this anemic paragraph:

But how should the president be chosen? Some delegates thought the president should be directly elected by the voters. Others wanted Congress or the state legislatures to make the choice. The delegates finally arrived at a solution: an electoral college made up of electors from each state would cast official votes for the president and vice president. The number of electors from each state would be the same as the state’s number of representatives in Congress, and each state could decide how to choose its electors.

Students deserve an explanation for the origins of the Electoral College. Instead, the textbook offers mere description, dry as dust. We learn that the Electoral College emerged from a disagreement among delegates, but nothing about the actual substance of that disagreement or the interests at stake. Shouldn’t the authors explain to students why our founders rejected direct election of the president by the people, the most democratic option? With no sense of the problem, textbook writers assure students that the Electoral College was a “solution” and send them on their merry way.

But for whom was the Electoral College a solution? Many of the 55 White men at the Constitutional Convention worried about giving too much power to the people. Alexander Hamilton said the masses were prone to passion and might use their vote unwisely. Of course, both passion and wisdom are highly subjective terms. James Madison listed the “wicked schemes” inflaming the people to act so unwisely: “A rage for paper money, for an abolition of debts, for an equal division of property. . .” Madison called voters advancing their own economic interests wicked, but referred to his brethren — insulating their own wealth and power in Philadelphia — as “enlightened statesmen.” The Electoral College was a “solution” to the bankers and plantation owners in 1787 but looked like exclusion if you were a poor indebted veteran in western Massachusetts, an enslaved person in Virginia, or a Hitchiti person fleeing land-thieving White settlers in Georgia.

Soldiers fire on protesters during Shays’ Rebellion. Led by Daniel Shays, a group of poor farmers and Revolutionary War veterans attempted to shut down Massachusetts courts in protest against debt collections against veterans and the heavy tax burden borne by the colony’s farmers.

Madison expressed another set of concerns about the direct election of the president. He pointed out that a popular vote would deprive the White South of “influence in the election on the score of the Negroes.” He was, of course, referring to the 40 percent of the southern U.S. population made up of enslaved people. Since the men at the Constitutional Convention had already adopted the Three-Fifths Compromise, establishing that enslaved people would bolster enslavers’ representation in Congress, the Electoral College was a “solution” because it meant the humans they violently exploited would inflate their influence in presidential elections too.

When my textbook matter-of-factly declares that the Electoral College was a “solution,” but makes no mention of the elite and white supremacist interests for whom that was true, nor the exploited and disenfranchised peoples for whom it was a disaster, it does not educate students, but lies to them. The very same textbooks that paint the Three-Fifths Compromise as a shameful relic of slavery, treat the Electoral College as an unremarkable feature of our system, as if they were not borne of the same white supremacist original sin.

This feigned neutrality covers up the classist and racist origins of our institutions. It is not only bad history but signals to students in 2020, “Nothing to see here.” The mock elections and legislative simulations common in U.S. civics classrooms encourage students to investigate the swirl of issues inside the container of U.S. “democracy,” but rarely the container itself. Students are commanded to vote, but not to judge the fundamental questions of governance not on the ballot — like the legitimacy of an electoral college devised by enslavers. What if our civics invited students not just to become occupants of an already-built U.S. government, but engineers and architects able to redesign, reframe, and rebuild the whole structure? What if our civics repurposed the word “framer” to mean all of us today — including our students?

One way to cultivate this activist sensibility in our students is to offer them a curriculum rich with an alternative pantheon of “framers” and “founding parents” in the ongoing struggle for democracy. Central to this project is the rejection of the singular, miraculous, and exceptional founding peddled by the Bill of Rights Institute and others. As Eric Foner’s newest book, The Second Founding — about the Reconstruction Amendments that finally made multiracial democracy possible — suggests, building freedom is a work in progress.

Black men line up to vote during the Reconstruction Era.

Similarly, many scholars and activists, notably the Rev. William Barber II, have embraced the idea of a multiplicity of Reconstructions: the first Reconstruction, following the Civil War in which freedpeople and their allies reimagined citizenship, social relationships, and politics; the second Reconstruction in the 20th century, when Black activists and their allies dismantled 100 years of Jim Crow, championed and popularized “one person, one vote,” and transformed U.S. law and society; and the third Reconstruction, happening now, exemplified by Black Lives Matter, the Dream Defenders, United We Dream, and others to address the ongoing manifestations of systemic racism in everything from housing to immigration, policing to education. In this telling, the United States has been constructed by many framers, not just those White elites in Philadelphia, but also the millions of unsung heroes who have never stopped seeking to transform the United States and the meaning of freedom.

Source: Geoff Livingston via Flickr

Angela Davis writes that “freedom is a constant struggle.” When, for example, we teach students about the fight for the 15th Amendment, alongside the movement 100 years later for the Voting Rights Act, alongside the efforts now to combat voter suppression, we not only provide evidence of Davis’s words, but invite students into that struggle. By rejecting both the textbook’s boring and evasive approach to our anti-democratic institutions, and BRI’s glorification of a U.S. founding that meant — and continues to mean — oppression for so many, we affirm our students’ reality and provide models of activism through which they might reimagine and revise it.

On November 2, 2020, one day before the general election that would deny him a second term, Donald J. Trump issued an executive order establishing the 1776 Commission. The commission’s mandate? A “restoration of American education” to emphasize the “clear historical record of an exceptional Nation dedicated to the ideas and ideals of its founding.” President Trump has been defeated, but this commitment to institutionalize the teaching of American exceptionalism has not. We educators must fight for a curriculum that teaches our students facts not fables. The United States has never been a democracy, defined by freedom and equality for all. But nor has there ever been a time when people did not struggle toward a democratic future, dreaming of freedom, risking life and limb to make those dreams manifest, and creating a more just society along the way. Let’s teach civics and history that affirms for our students there is nothing sacrosanct in the political and economic status quo, that freedom fighters, past and present, are founders too, and we all have a right to be framers — to redesign this structurally unsound house to better shelter our lives, safety, comfort, and full humanity.

A shorter version of this article, TEACHER VOICE: The United States is not a democracy. Stop telling students that it is, was produced by The Hechinger Report, a nonprofit, independent news organization focused on inequality and innovation in education.

Ursula Wolfe-Rocca has taught high school social studies since 2000. She is on the editorial board of Rethinking Schools and is a Zinn Education Project Writer and Organizer.

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mandimormon-blog · 7 years

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Life is Messy

It’s time to put the broken pieces together, and actually complete this journal entry. It’s Wednesday, November 1. I have wet-looking, large eyes, (okay, not as large at the Snapchat filter) but I feel like that’s how I see myself when I visualize myself these days, using that big-eyed, big-mouthed filter, with a voice changer.

My youngest daughter and son are playing “school” together in our ultra-clean living room, ehhh, ultra-clean-ish, since they got home, I guess I do see a few candy wrappers on the floor, from yesterday evening or maybe breakfast this morning. I knocked on Remi’s door, and could hear her chewing in her room, apparently partaking of candy for breakfast. Let me end this blog on a positive note though and talk about yesterday, later.

Those wet-eyes I’m referring to are from the many tears and all of the sobbing I just finished up with, on the way home from my daughter’s Ballet Class. I thought I was doing better. I was feeling pretty good, but clearly, my feelings caught up to me. The busyness and distractions can’t distract forever. Why was I crying?

Well while in Danville, Jude ran back to the dance studio, from Joann Fabrics, and I walked, I wasn’t going to run across the mall, keeping him in eyeshot. Opened the door, plopped ourselves down on two small, wooden children’s chairs to wait the 1-2 minutes left of class. We time it quite perfectly, because a six year-old (wild) boy + waiting doesn’t really mesh. Honestly, I’m surprised he will even spend time in Joann Fabrics with me.

I heard through the door of one of the rooms a familiar song but I couldn’t place it. Don’t you just hate that? When you know a song but you can’t figure out what song it is? This happens all of the time! Oh, music, you’ve had such an impression on me, all of my life.

So, Remi emerges from the room, after the other girls, with a huge smile on her face, and a little pep in her step, because she loves ballet. She loves it. As she and Jude talk and she giggles with another little ballerina and we make our way out to the car, and I return any messages before driving (unlike on the way over to Danville, when I didn’t even realize how far I’d gotten until I crossed the border, but we don’t need to talk about that - #distracted). After I checked and double-checked their seatbelts, and we were rollin’ out; I asked Remi about her dance class. Then out of curiousity, I asked if if that music I’d heard was coming from her studio or the other studio. She said, it was her room, and she could sing it for me: “It’s just a symphony…” in the most beautiful, little, eight year-old voice, and I started singing along with her, and then I added, “Glorious!”

Confused, she asked me how I know the words and that song. As I searched for it on my iPhone and we began listening to the very version she was dancing to, per her confirmation, by One Voice Children’s Choir. She then added, “Mom! Your eyes are wet. Are you crying?”

Sure enough, it didn’t stop. It was probably the ugly-face look, tear-streaming, uncontrollably from both eyes at one time, that rarely happens. I wasn’t bellowing but it wasn’t just a tear or two. I smiled through it and tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t. My own emotions, questions, thoughts, grief and series of recent experiences seemed to just hit me all at once. Remi interrupted my thoughts and my failed attempt to sing along, “Mom, stop crying. Are you going to cry like this when I dance?”

“I probably will, Remi, I’m sorry. This song is beautiful. I’m so excited to see you dance to this.”

Journal Entry: 10/29

The longest week of our life is coming to a finale.

Let me begin with last week was Fall Break, an extra-longer-than-normal Fall Break. My husband and I were pretty busy working and doing those crazy mundane tasks of daily living, plus community service. Being totally distracted from our family and we weren’t going anywhere, so, we decided that Friday, the 20th, to take the kiddos shopping in Champaign and enjoy a “fun day” out and about. Upon arrival at the mall, we rode the cool little animals around the mall for 15 minutes and shopped a little bit, and ate a delicious late-lunch at Red Robin.

Gosh, even to type what last Friday looked like seriously causes my heart to hurt. I had to get up and take a walk around my kitchen, get on my iPhone, and return to regroup.

When we returned home last Friday, I received my passport in the mail. This was a big, big deal. I was stoked out of my mind for it, that I created the Snapchat “Passport” Saga, which has now caught on and is a thing. When I say thing, I use that term loosely, because it’s only a “thing” to a few sixth grade girls. I used the amazing jumbo-mouth filter I spoke about during my last blog, you know, with the voice changer. That passport is going places. Even Reis’s friends have snagged it up and used it for their own stories, “with Amanda’s Passport.” I will share.

It’s all fun and games with you’re using Snapchat, you and your dozen twelve year-old friends, until someone pulls up to your house for your daughter and you’re alone, selfie-snapchatting yourself about to take a run “with your passport”.

In this moment, I nonchalantly, dropped my iPhone arm to my side, as if nothing were happening here, and hopped up, and tossed my passport into the upper kitchen cabinet. Then, answered my door. The irony of answering that door was a very ‘deja vu’ experience I’d had about three and a half years ago, in a way. A mother of a good friend of my daughter’s and her son came in and said they’d tried to call her and needed to speak with Reis about Jesse, her boyfriend, but wanted to filter it through me first.

After they expressed he’d been accidentally shot, I felt the fear and chills down my spine, an instant, intense nausea, and when they asked if they could speak with her personally, I asked them to filter it through my husband first because my mind was absolutely blown. He was still out back on the swing, Jude was in the boat, and I couldn’t help but sob and I asked him to come and listen to what they had to say. Then we brought the girls together, Reis and her best friend, Karma. Since we really didn’t know what would happen, we were hoping for recovery, even possible loss of an eye, and praying for a return to normal activity. This kid was extremely active, with a very promising future. The kids were even planning on going to visit him early next week.

Of course, they were nervous, crying on and off, and wanted to know how long he’d be hospitalized. With my education in Nursing and the unknown specifics, I think my intuition was saying, “Be positive, but prepare for the worst-case scenario”. I told the girls he was in the best possible care and I didn’t know any specifics as to what would happen. Relatively soon after this, it felt almost instantaneously, and after hearing a myriad of rumors and stories, we received nightmare news, that he didn’t make it. We called all of the parents together, first, before putting this onto the kids. After they all made it there, we sat the five children down in our living room, surrounded by their parents.

Breaking this awful news to the children, opened floodgates of tears and hugging and screaming and yelling, and every emotion all at once. It was misunderstood. It was tragedy. Grief. Hysteria. These children are eleven and twelve. These kids that were here ran around together constantly with this boy. They spent time at school together, time after school until dark together, weekends together, Facetiming, Snapchatting, Instagramming, Selfie-sending, the whole sha-bang of social media communications, usually by showing their faces or whatever kind of mischief they were into, one to another. They visited the Java on a regular basis, wreaking havoc, updating their “stories”, getting kicked out of CVS, going to the Dollar Store, Casey’s, and the park. The community saw these kiddos everywhere. The girls would watch Football games on Saturdays and Soccer Games, just so Reis could see this boy.

Grief is an overwelming force that demands to be felt. If you remember, I took a Faith Community Nursing class earlier this year, when things were as slow as they were going to be and the Grief Module was a toughy. In order to help anyone else with this kind of experience we needed to know how we personally felt about grief and loss, and then recollect our earliest experience with death or any significant losses.

Grief is a bomb dropped. Yesterday there was a house, with walls, a roof, and the smells of life steaming up the windows. Today, only rubble of a disaster. Shards of broken confidence and the dust of dreams litter a cracked foundation. (Stephanie Erickson, Author of Companion Through the Darkness) I’ve also heard of the wave-analogy. They keep coming but eventually, instead of all at once barely breathing in between, they lessen and sometimes occur unexpectedly. In the moment, eventually and time can’t even be considered. It’s now. It’s in the moment.

The morning after, I came downstairs and wrote this:

Journal Entry 10/21

I’ve been up for hours and it’s 6 AM. I woke up startled, holding my own breath, and then reality sunk in. Reality that seemed like a nightmare. It’s the kind of heartache you can feel in your bones. My eyes welled up with tears, and I made my way downstairs to check on more than a half a dozen eleven- and twelve-year old girls. Laying everywhere, on the floors and in the beds, sleeping, soundly -- their youthful faces puffy from the hundreds of tears they’d cried over the past hours. I put my sleeve up to my face to muffle my own audible sobbing. I just, so badly, wanted to pick my daughter up off the the floor, and hold her, and cry with her. I wanted to take that inevitable pain away, she would feel as soon as her eyes opened and reality hit her like a ton of bricks. That pain that’s staying for awhile and will never truly heal completely.

That numb, paralyzing feeling I had, has now shifted into another stage of grief cycle. Grieving is so very dimensional and demands to be felt and I know, according to the textbook, that’s okay and eventually things would get easier and happier moments would come, but when you’re in it - it’s the perfect storm. It needs to be expressed. It takes me back, three and a half years ago, when I was wondering how my daughter, Reis, eight years old, would take the devastation learning her father had died, by choice, unexpectedly.

Later at age 10, I witnessed the grief shift for her with the loss of a beloved pet, Amidee, which was a part of the family, this seemed to be incredibly traumatic but I later found out it was because of unresolved grief previously, and now, at age 12, her boyfriend - not to mention one of her very best friends (for several years) - and “first big crush” was gone, too, completely unexpectedly, tragically. Three very different, yet horrific experiences shared in our home, in the very same place with her, in our living room, surely digging up deeper wounds or really catalyzing the grieving process.

I felt her pain deeply, for my first ‘love’ had been her daddy, around her very same age. It feels so real when you’re in it and I was crazy about that boy, as I know, and anyone who knows these kids knows, Reis is about Jesse.

The grief for this eleven year-old boy, who stood just two days before, in our kitchen, with his big, beautiful, brown eyes, his unmatched wit, and his vibrant personality -- was hitting hard, in a way that cannot be described in words. This boy who’d been a wonderful friend to my daughter for years, and been a positive, encouraging role in her life, during this beginning transition into middle school, had been taken from this life, before the story was finished. Such permanence.

On the brink of complete and utter devastation, and all that encompasses that, here I am, replaying those “what if” and “why” questions, not fathoming the pain his mother is going through (thinking of my own sweet son) or this boy’s father, or his dear brother, and sister and all of their family, grieving their great loss and grieving for each other. My thoughts traced over everyone who called this little boy a “son” because he was truly a best friend to several boys and a few moms saw him very often, anyone who loved this guy - these thoughts, on repeat, through my mind, and searching for words of comfort, before putting on my own armor for the day, to be present, a shoulder for my sweet baby girl to cry on, a game face for dozens of friends and families. This group of friends, so close and always together, have just had their lives altered forever. This boy was one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, and he’s left an impression on all of hearts and minds, leaving us changed, forever.

On Sunday, Jesse and Kolton came inside, and waited on the girls to put on sweatshirts and go out into the drizzly elements. I didn’t feel great that day, but I did snap a picture of the girls leaving and the boys were on the steps, barely visible. That day was the same day the kids had been stalking Jesse’s photos on social media, and snapchatting him photos of them, with the line from the song, Mad World. “All around me are familiar faces..” This is probably normal thing for little girls in middle school, in 2017. Then they all left but came back through later when we were working on the flag for the boat, my husband constructed in 90 minutes.

On Wednesday of that week, he’d been inside the house, because the girls said it was “too cold” to be outside, at 55 degrees. Reis had slumped her shoulders down and was dragging her feet around the kitchen declaring her hunger, it was 12:01 p.m.. As I leaned against the bar, on my phone, without looking up, I selfishly said, “Get yourself some food, there’s plenty here, find something.”

Reis then sent my husband a message asking him to get them food and there was a whole orchestra of messages between the three of us. Reis expressed she hadn’t been feeling well and the only real meal she’d had, the evening before, was a salad from the Beef House. (Real first world problems, here.) It was true, she missed school that Monday, because she had been under the weather, but I insisted she go Tuesday if she wanted to see her friends on Tuesday evening or throughout Fall Break.

Since she wasn’t against gluten-free nuggets and fries from the freezer bin, I whipped out the jumbo package of ground beef and made cheeseburgers, g/f mac-n-cheese, green beans, and potato wedges.

The squad: Reis, Karma, Kennady, Ella, all sat around the dining room table, and Jesse stood next to Reis, saying he was good, each time I offered, stating he had a large breakfast. The girls pigged out, per the norm, and my husband came in and sat in the empty seat at the dining room table, asking everyone to listen up. This was about to get good. My husband and I are huge fans of ‘Resilience’, and he had a way about conveying a good message to these youngsters.

In a calm, very rational manner, he asked the girls what the word, “Entitlement” meant. Jesse cut into the conversation, “I’m not very smart, you’re gonna have to tell me.” Allen, gently corrected him, “You’re smart. It’s okay if you don’t know, I want to explain it.”

He then read from the definition (which later I was told by Reis that the girls thought Allen didn’t know the definition and that was why he was reading it), and discussed what it was to have ‘privileges’.

*Crickets*,yet, again, but by this point, Reis sprang up and cleared her plate and began working on the dishes. Our eyes met twice and she gave me ‘the look’ of utter humiliation and embarrassment.

Jesse, always outspoken, commented how he really didn’t have privileges, the girls agreed they didn’t either, but Allen, again, gently corrected them all by explaining the cell phone was a privilege, not a right, as was the time the kids were able to hang out together, the sports and activities, they most likely don’t fund themselves, and the list goes on.

All-in-all the conversation was for Reis’s benefit, and I’m positive she’ll never forget it. I know I won’t. I whispered to her, her friends know her dad and her friends are not upset or offended, they are just fine and dandy. Clearly, they were laughing and conversing with him even after the “talk” was over. After he left, and I was drying the dishes, I witnessed Reis snapchatting Jesse from across the room while Ella, Kennady, and Karma lounged on the floor and couch, and Jude, too, Jude occasionally showing Jesse his game because he honestly has always thought when Jesse, Josh, or Kolton come over, it’s to play with him.

Later, I said something about my passport, and Jesse asked me where I was going, and I said, “To Mexico!” in an over-exaggerated voice, Reis didn’t miss a beat, because she said, “Your home country”, back to him. I then raised an eyebrow at them both, and he said, “Yeah, did you know I’m from Mexico?”

“Jesse, I know your who your parents are, you’re not from Mexico.” He then told me, “Yeah, I know. But they say I am because I’m tan.”

Later, I went into Reis’s room, and tiptoed over the bags and clothing that had been “straightened up”, when motion caught my eye outside of her bedroom window. I peered outside to see Jesse, wearing a Sombrero along with his buddies, too, with Kolton, the Copas Boys, Davy, possibly a Kindell boy, too, and my son, in the custom “Despacito” a boat, my husband had constructed. The girls were standing all around, too, and I said, “Allen, come here and look at this sight. Grab my phone. I need to take a photo.” I didn’t get my phone and never took a photo but it’s imprinted in my mind, forever.

The boat evolved from a fishing pole. My son begged me to make a fishing pole with him, so I did. We both used sticks and tied a small ribbon to the end. Funny thing is, we fished up some leaves because the ends of the ribbons were fuzzy enough to pick them up. We pretended we were fishing from our dock (aka picnic table) and the tailgate of my husband’s truck, and Jude would do the commentary of our excursion. I feels like a lifetime ago, since this happened, since so very much has happened, seriously.

Life has a way about teaching you about priorities. Doesn’t it?

The candlelight vigil was something I’d never experienced and a spiritual feeling I’d never felt before, ever. It was beautiful. A moment I remember while shuffling around trying to make sure everything was good to go, was watching my daughter walk, briskly toward the restroom. I could see her wiping her eyes more than once on her way there, so I followed her. When I walked up to the doorway, I witnessed her sobbing, embraced by a group of her friends, all crying together. It was beautiful and painful all at once. She saw me and gave me the nod (aka the head shake) that I wasn’t needed here, so I turned around and walked away.

I can’t express how much it hurts or how helpless a mother feels when she can’t take the pain away. She can’t make it better. She can’t fix this. I’m learning. A good friend visited me during lunch, while I was in the office, yesterday. He had heard something that made him think of Reis and of me.

He told me about the Metamorphosis of a Butterfly. As we all know, the butterfly doesn’t begin as a butterfly, but rather a caterpillar. Then before the big change, it forms a chrysalis and eventually emerges, completely changed as a butterfly.

A scientist was observing this process, and he noticed the butterfly he was observing was having trouble emerging. So, he simply clipped the top of the sac and almost immediately and simply, the butterfly was able to get out. Yet, even though this seemed to make it easier, the butterfly’s wings did not expand and it never took flight.

Why? Because the butterfly needed that experience, to breakthrough the sac without aide, in order to pump fluid from it’s abdomen through the veins in the wings, which causes the wings to expand to their full size. It’s something the butterfly must go through to fly.

Initially, this story hurt my heart. I think it’s pretty normal for us, as parents, to want our children to live very uneventful, normal lives, with little suffering, grief, and anxiety. We don’t want our child bullied. We don’t want them to feel lonely or depressed. Naturally, we don’t want them to hurt or to feel pain. We want to take their pain away, “fix it”. We’d gladly take on their suffering if we could.

Even friends feel this way. I can’t even tell you how many kids, said to me, they wished they could take Jesse’s place, so their friends wouldn’t be hurting so much, because he was such a great person, and so Reis would be okay.

These comments aren’t alarming because they were each saying this only out of love.

They love Jesse, they are going to keep loving Jesse, and they love each other, yet this wasn’t their path or plan. I assured each of them they are meant to be here, right now, for each other, and although we can’t put the ‘why things like this happen’, into words, one day we will look back on this and see what kind of growth came from this experience, how this changed our life, how we could help other people and how we were better friends. Jesse’s charisma and goodness can be emulated in each of our lives, every day. As hard and as cliche as it may sound, he can live on, through us.

Yet with removing trivial pursuits, as my husband says, “You’ll find a new obsession or addiction.” That obsession is Snapchat.

I created a “story” on Halloween Eve (Is that a thing? Maybe I should say on October 30) the Five Step Approach to TP’ing Homes. In fact, I sent it to all of my snappy buddies, then I had to create a collaboration of those five things for “My Story”. It was about as epic as The Passport Saga: Oh The Places Amanda’s Passport Will Go, I mentioned.

As mentioned, the median age of my Snapchat Friends is probably 12, and I’ve recently come to the conclusion that a Twelve Year-Old Girl is most likely my Spirit Animal. Clearly, because that’s what I went as for Halloween. That or “Mama Vandallama” my criminal alias.

So, I washed my hair extensions, finally. They’d survived Tyreischella with Boho Braids, and feathers still affixed, and Haunted Trailz, on Saturday, when I gave it my best acting skills plus the girls clipped my extensions into Whylee’s hair after the Trailz. Those extensions needed recovery.

Ok, and to be real honest, we tried doing what the Trailz Coordinator wanted, during Haunted Trailz. My husband was supposed to appear to be dragging me across the trail and apparently, my acting skills are rusty and maybe we shouldn’t even refer whatever I did as acting or a skill. So, I played “dead”, trail goers would shine the flashlight on my “pretend dead” acting, which allowed my husband to come up from behind, in a creepy mask, and startle them pretty, darn good. This lasted for only a couple of hours, because by that point we had a dozen sixth graders asking to go home to the warmth, and they weren’t going unattended.

Anyway, shampooed extensions, lying out to dry. A friend of mine stopped in with some money from the event over the weekend, and she mentioned another perfect addition to the ‘Four-become-Five Step How to TP Approach’, and I added that in. I let her in on what was going down because at that point I had a pair of black panty hose on my head like a do-rag which may have seemed a little more legit since my “weave” was out on the counter.

On Halloween morning, I clipped in my extensions, to prepare my disguise for the evening. After returning home from work that day, I opened my daughter’s room to half a dozen girls dressed in all black, as instructed. I then put on some war paint, and was ready. I found it pure comedy as more kids showed up to our home, they openly were being dropped off by their parents and carrying 4-6 rolls of toilet paper in their arms. I guess there were no objections or clearly those kids had a stellar alibi-to-come. I’m gonna go with the no objections option.

There were 8, then 9, then 11, then 16 kids in our group. It felt a lot like the meme “I feel young until I hang out with twelve year-olds, then I remember I’m definitely 31.” They didn’t really have a plan, and when they thought they had a plan, they actually knocked on their teacher’s door. They were chased off a majority of the time, which is comical, and by the time we stopped in for some free hot dogs at the Old Gym, they were ready to have an “escape vehicle”. Sadly, my husband’s truck was containing some doors and junk that wouldn’t support 12 kids, too, so we took the “Hot Mess Express” (my Mountaineer). The juvenile delinquents put the seats down (both rows), so it was flat, and they insisted on maneuvering safely in and out of the vehicle by keeping the tailgate lifted the entire time. Remi came, too, so she said on my console, and I always had a co-pilot. We tried a few teacher’s houses and relative’s homes, but inevitably each and every time, the kids would come in a dead sprint back, and without time for a roll-call, I’d yell, “Are we all in?” “YES! GO GO GO!” and I’d almost have to close my eyes and speed off. Nice thing about keeping that tailgate lifted, even while driving down Liberty Street or Third Street was my license plate wasn’t showing. So, unless one of the dozen kids in the back were ID’d, jail was looking like more of an idea rather than a destination for me, that evening. “Accompanying 16 Minors” would have been epic, but I’m glad we safely and reasonably toilet papered and Ding Dong Ditched.

The spin off the DDD was we purchased actual individually wrapped Ding Dongs, and left those at most of the homes, true Ding-Dong Ditchin’.

This morning, when I woke up I felt like I needed about 24 more hours of sleep. I wasn’t sore from running around but the few short sprints I did partake of, I wasn’t prepared for, whatsoever. I may run 4-6 miles most weekdays, but those are leisurely. Laughing, talking, texting, and running, no sprinting, no loss of air or breath, just leisure -- and if you refer to it as jogging, I take offense.

There are times when You might feel aimless And can't see the places Where you belong But you will find that There is a purpose It's been there within you All along And when you're near it You can almost hear it It's like a symphony Just keep listening And pretty soon you'll start To figure out your part Everyone plays a piece And there are melodies In each one of us Oohhh it's glorious And you will know how To let it ring out As you discover Who you are Others around you Will start to wake up To the sounds that are In their hearts It's so amazing What we're all creating It's like a symphony Just keep listening And pretty soon you'll start To figure out your part Everyone plays a piece And there are melodies In each one of us Oohhh it's glorious And as you feel The notes build Higher You will see It's like a symphony Just keep listening And pretty soon you'll start To figure out your part Everyone plays a piece And there are melodies In each one of us Oohhh it's glorious

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topbeautifulwomens · 6 years

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#Richard #Burgi #family #jewelry #makeuplooks #modelo #motivation #naturephotography #rap #singer #viral #youtube

ICHARD was born on July 30, 1958 in Montclair, New Jersey. He is married to Lori Kahn, and they have two sons, Jack and Samuel.

For Richard, a strong interest in music and theater is in his blood. His parents and three siblings were interested in the performing arts and the Burgi home was a fertile environment.

Richard recalls, “…my brother and I had a detective agency when we were kids. We were really enamuch mored with these kids’ novels, the Brains Benton series. They’re rather obscure. They were, I guess, a thinking boys’ alternative to the Hardy Boys. Not that the Hardy Boys were idiots. But, I mean, these were really wildly constructed stories that these two junior detectives went through. So he and I had fashioned ourselves after Brains Benton and his partner, and had a laboratory and all these Erlenmeyer flasks – beakers and condensers. And we’d make this and boil that. And we had gunpowder, and we’d light fires in the basement. And it was total insanity. But the final straw, as far as my parents were concerned, was when… well, the house caught on fire one day. It got messy. So we had to retire early.”

After finishing school, Richard traveled throughout the U.S. and Europe. Though a career in acting was always one of Richard’s goals, it took a while for the goal to become a reality.

He finally ended up in New York City and began studying acting and gaining acting experience with commercials and cameos, which led to regular roles on several daytime dramas.

When Richard left Days of Our Lives, the co-executive producer said “Richard has such amazing timing, whether dramatic or comedic.”

A move to Los Angeles allowed him to read for different types of roles. A recurring role as Lane Cassidy in Viper led to a lead role in One West Waikiki with Cheryl Ladd.

His character, Mack Wolfe, was a man fighting demons, struggling to become a hero. “I think it was organic in that way to take him in that direction, because I think to watch people struggle through their dark ingredients is appealing. Going through it and out and up into a joyful, winning, positive, light area is appealing… and the possibility of sliding back.”

As Jim Ellison in The Sentinel, Richard played “a champion of the light, of the good, that’s where he is, that’s where I am in some way.”

Richard has been keeping busy since The Sentinel ceased production in 1998, beginning with a guest spot on the popular CBS drama Touched By An Angel as well as appearing on E! Entertainment TV’s Celebrity Homes feature. His character in the pilot of the short-lived 1999 FOX comedy, Action — action movie star Cole Riccardi — came back for a second appearance in the show’s controversial fourth episode, “Blowhard.” Richard guested on a 1999-2000 season episode of NBC’s comedy Veronica’s Closet as Veronica’s new beau Mark, as well as an episode of the popular NBC drama Providence as Dr. J.D. Scanlon. He also filmed a Fall 2000 episode of NBC’s Just Shoot Me, appearing as action hero Robert “The Nomad” Gallatin, and joined the recurring cast of the hit CBS drama, The District, in the role of Captain Vincent Hunter. He also appeared as the ill-fated Paul Donovan in the March 18th, 2001 ABC/Wonderful World of Disney feature “Bailey’s Mistake,” opposite Linda Hamilton .

Fall 2001 located Richard in the new FOX drama, 24, playing the part of Alan York/Kevin Carroll in the Golden Globe-winning drama’s first season. In addition to filming his eleven-episode story arc on 24, Richard entired filming the new “indie” feature film, “Wheelmen,” playing former hotshot ambulance driver, Nick Torino. “Wheelmen” is currently awaiting a distributor. Richard joined the recurring cast of the CBS drama Judging Amy in Spring 2002, playing the part of Judge Amy (Amy Brenneman) Gray’s ex-husband, Michael Cassidy. He spent most of May and June with the Matrix Theatre Company’s production of the Neil Landau-written “Johnny On The Spot,” playing dual roles, Fred and Sy. After appearing at the 42nd Monte Carlo Television Festival (July 1-6) in Monaco, Richard rejoined his “Johnny On The Spot” castmates for the July 20th Los Angeles finale.

Richard brought in Fall 2002 with an appearance in the season premiere of Judging Amy, once again in the role of Amy’s ex-husband, Michael. Head writer Barbara Hall revealed that the custody dispute between Michael and Amy would be a continuing theme throughout the season, which proved to be the case with three of his four episodes: “Lost in the System,” “People of the Lie,” and “The Best Interests of the Child” all dealt with and finally resolved the custody issue, while the most recent — “Marry, Marry Quite Contrary” — showed Michael and Amy as friends who still care for each other. In addition to his continuing association with Judging Amy, Richard returned to CBS’s The District in two episodes, appearing once more as Captain Hunter in “The Second Man” and “Good-bye, Jenny.” He has also filmed an episode of the “most watched” CBS show, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, playing paragliding instructor Rick Weston in “High and Low,” which aired December 12th. Richard closed out 2002 playing Lieutenant Womack in “The Message,” one of the final episodes of the FOX network’s Firefly, a sci-fi series from Joss Whedon, producer of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Though FOX decided to cancel Firefly before airing all of the contracted episodes, the show was temporarily snatched up by the syndication market; “The Message” aired on the UK Sci Fi Channel in July 2003.

Richard ushered in 2003 with his most recent episodes of Judging Amy and The District, and worked with producer Chris Thompson (Action) on a new pilot for the WB Network. The new show, a comedy titled Trash, was described as “Romeo and Juliet set in a trailer park,” with Richard playing Bud Blue, father of teenager Luna — the show’s Juliet. Unfortunately, Trash was not picked up by the WB for the Fall season.

In addition to his television work, Richard spent part of March and April in Ottawa, Canada, where he joined the cast of the Matt Hastings-directed “Decoys” as Detective Francis Kirk. Hastings described the movie as “‘American Pie’ meets ‘Species'” — a tongue-in-cheek sci-fi thriller set on a college campus. Next up was the long-awaited sequel to “Starship Troopers,” titled “Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation,” from producer Jon Davison, director Phil Tippett, and writer Ed Neumeier. Richard leads the cast as the “hero” mentioned in the title — a tough trooper named Captain V.J. Dax. Principal photography ran from May 14th through June 20th. The film premiered on the Encore Action Channel, part of the Starz! group of Cable channels, on April 24th, 2004, with DVD release starting in May.

Richard enjoyed a brief flirtation with summer vacation, but was at work on “Jack’s Back,” the Fall 2003 season premiere episode of The District by mid-July, after which he headed to Sofia, Bulgaria to shoot “Darklight,” a sci-fi thriller designed by UFO Films for the Sci Fi Channel’s 2004-05 roster of original features. The “Darklight” shoot ran from July 28th through August 20th. The last quarter of 2003 proved to be just as busy, with additional episodes of The District as well as a role in “Cellular,” a thriller from New Line Cinema starring Kim Basinger, William. H. Macy, Chris Evans and Jason Statham. Richard played Craig Martin, husband of Basinger’s character Jessica. Cellular premiered in theaters on September 10th ’04.

February 2004 found Richard once again at work on a major feature film — “In Her Shoes” from Fox 2000 and 20th Century Fox. The dramatic comedy stars Cameron Diaz (Maggie), Toni Collette (Rose), and Shirley MacLaine (Ella), with Richard playing the part of Rose’s love ’em and leave ’em cad of a boyfriend, Jim Danvers. The film is expected to premiere in 2005.

While waiting to film his remaining scenes for “In Her Shoes,” Richard worked on Point Pleasant, the pilot for a new “superall-natural” dramatic series. From producer Marti Noxon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame, and 20th Century Fox Television, Point Pleasant has been described as “a kinder, gentler ‘Rosemary’s Baby,'” and “a cross between Peyton Place and ‘The Omen.'” Richard plays Dr. Ben Kramer, a fortysomething husband and father whose family takes in the show’s lead character, a mysterious young girl who washes up on the beach one day.

Point Pleasant was given a 12-episode order (13 including the pilot, portions of which have been re-shot) in late August ’04 and went into production in San Diego in November. FOX launched the show on January 19th and 20th at 9:00pm as a two-part premiere, with 9:00pm Thursday becoming its official timeslot following The O.C.

May 2004 found Richard in New Orleans working on a film for Lifetime Television titled “Torn Apart.” The thriller stars Tia Carrere as Vicki Westin, Dale Midkiff as Jerry Bender, and Richard Burgi as Billy Westin, and premiered in late September ’04. Tia Carrere plays a doctor whose husband (Burgi) and daughter are kidnapped by a man (Midkiff) whose wife and daughter Dr. Vicki Westin couldn’t save. Instead of a ransom, Jerry Bender demands that Vicki decide on whether her husband or daughter will die.

Richard brought in Fall 2004 with a guest role on the new ABC series Desperate Housewives, where he played Karl Mayer, the philandering ex-husband of series star Teri Hatcher’s Susan Mayer. Next came a five-week shoot on the new Jim Carrey comedy, “Fun with Dick and Jane.” The film, a remake of the 1977 original starring Jane Fonda and George Segal, stars Jim Carrey and Tea Leoni as Dick and Jane Harper. The Harpers are a young couple who turn to a life of crime to pay the bills after Dick loses his job. Richard plays a new character, Joe Kleman (we’re uncertain of the exact surname spelling). The movie is slated for a June 2005 release in the USA.

The last quarter of 2004 saw Richard working on a second episode of ABC’s breakout hit, Desperate Housewives, before starting production on his new FOX series, Point Pleasant. The episode of Desperate Housewives, “Move On,” premiered just over a week before Point Pleasant launched on FOX. Richard also filmed an episode of ABC’s midseason drama Eyes sometime in late 2004, roughly concurrent with his work on Desperate Housewives. The Eyes role was intended as a recurring character, but Richard’s commitment to Point Pleasant prevented his continued involvement with the show.

The first quarter of 2005 found Richard still hard at work on Point Pleasant. Though FOX decided to cancel the show in late March with five episodes unaired, 20th Century Fox kept the show in production and finished all thirteen episodes. With the complete season available for broadcast, Point Pleasant aired in a variety of international markets. FOX later released a Complete Series DVD boxed set, as was done with Firefly. Late March found Richard being featured in launch promos for ABC’s Eyes, which premiered on March 30th. (Sadly, ABC pulled the show before Richard’s episode could be aired).

The second quarter of 2005 saw Richard finishing the last episodes of Point Pleasant in mid April and, roughly a week later, returning to Wisteria Lane and Desperate Housewives, where he took part in the season finale episode, “One Wonderful Day.” As it turned out, the finale appearance also served to reintroduce the character to viewers — by July, Richard would be confirmed as a series regular for Fall 2005. Richard started a six week feature film shoot in Shanghai, China in mid-June, where he worked on “Shanghai Red,” a joint venture between MAR de ORO Films and Shanghai Film Studios. Richard costars with Vivian Wu, whose husband Oscar L. Costo is the writer, director, and producer of the film. Richard plays an expatriate American named Michael Johnson. As described for us by Oscar Costo, “‘Shanghai Red’ is a dramatic film about the journey of a young, modern Shanghai mother Meili Zhu (Vivian Wu) who suffers the loss of her husband and how she comes to terms with her state of depression. In her murderous journey of revenge, Meili meets Michael Johnson (Richard Burgi), an expatriate American from Chicago escaping his own dark past. Even though Michael’s motives for being with Meili are originally laced with deception, he ultimately finds hope, love and honor through her.”

Late July 2005 found Richard home from China and once again at work on Desperate Housewives, this time as a series regular. As suspected, Karl spent the Fall 2005 season stirring up trouble on Wisteria Lane by becoming romantically involved with neighborhood vamp, Edie Britt (Nicollette Sheridan) while still pining after ex-wife Susan (Teri Hatcher). By the end of the season, Karl had secretly remarried Susan to provide her with medical insurance coverage while still stringing Edie along with a sham engagement. He had also been hired by Bree (Marcia Cross) to serve as her lawyer in her son Andrew’s emancipation case. Richard’s work as Karl was often mentioned in the press as a highlight of the season. Sadly, a reorganization of the Desperate Housewives production and writing staff led to a reprioritizing of storylines for the Fall 2006 season, which led to Karl being sidelined and essentially excised from the ongoing saga.

While waiting for news of his fate on Desperate Housewives, Richard spent the summer of 2006 working on movies and making public appearances. “Firestorm: Last Stand at Yellowstone,” a telemovie for A&E, was filmed in May in British Columbia, Canada. After a quick June trip to Rhode Island and the Newport International Film Festival, Richard was once again in Canada — Ontario, this time — to work on “In God’s Country” for CTV and Lifetime TV. August found Richard at the All*Star Cup charity golf tournament in Newport, Wales, and by October, he was hard at work in Prague, Czech Republic, on “Hostel: Part II,” the sequel to Eli Roth’s horror blockbuster “Hostel.” In addition to “Hostel: Part II,” Richard filmed a short scene for a Sweeps episode of Desperate Housewives, “Children and Art,” which has been his last appearance on the show to date.

2007 found Richard working on a mix of television guest spots and movies, beginning with three back-to-back episodes of NBC’s Las Vegas, which were filmed in January and aired in late February and March. A fourth Las Vegas episode — the conclusion of the previous season’s cliff-hanger finale — was filmed in May, after which Richard was once more Canada-bound for another movie role. “Thomas Kinkade’s Home for Christmas,” scheduled for a Christmas 2008 release, found Richard playing Bill Kinkade, father of famous American painter Thomas Kinkade. Richard filmed an episode of the CBS legal drama Shark in July, playing an unscrupulous plastic surgeon. The episode, “Eye of the Beholder,” aired October 7th.

Richard’s last role before the WGA (Writers Guild of America) strike effectively shut down television production for the rest of the year was in ABC’s Big Shots, playing billionaire adrenaline junkie Gavin Carter. The episode, “The Way We Weren’t,” aired November 29th.

Thus far, 2008 has gotten off to a slow start for Richard, due largely to the strike-related industry shutdown. He filmed a commercial for the 2008 Cadillac DTS DeVille Touring Sedan in mid-January which, as of mid-February, has yet to premiere. Now that the WGA strike has been resolved and television production resumed, Richard and his peers should soon be back at work.

Right now, Richard cherishes his time with his family. Marriage and fatherhood agree with him; in fact, they “changed my life around,” he says. “I’m more in love than I’ve ever been. I can’t imagine anything that surpasses this.”

Time with family dovetails beautifully with Richard’s other loves — music, surfing, nature and bird-watching. Richard is the proud owner of a vintage Buddy Miles drum-set and enjoys playing it whenever possible; during a Spring 1999 appearance on Access Hollywood, he revealed that get-togethers in the Burgi household often turn into impromptu concerts, with adults grabbing instruments and children singing along.

An enthusiastic surfer and nature lover, Richard spends as much time outdoors as possible, either at the beach or hiking through the hills with his family. Introducing his sons to the natural world is an added pleasure. He feels a strong connection to nature and is an advocate of environmental protection and preservation.

Richard was involved for a time with the Yellowstone Ecological Survey,an organization devoted to educating the public on the delicate Yellowstone ecosystem. The Bozeman, Montana-based organization is best known for its part in the reintroduction of wolves to the Yellowstone ecosystem. Richard now supports the work of the Surfrider Foundation, a San Clemente, CA – based organization which works to protect and preserve shoreline and coastal environments. “Life comes and goes, and I think we require to save our planet and not hurt it,” he explains. “I like to be proactive, but at the same time I like to work in a grass roots way and impact my environment as best I can.”

Richard is also an avid bird-watcher, an interest he discovered as a ten-year-old. Sharp-eyed viewers of The Sentinel may have noticed a variety of bird-watching books and framed bird prints scattered throughout Ellison’s Loft; many, if not all, belong to Richard or were selected by him. Perhaps the most noticeable is a National Audubon Society print on the wall of Jim’s bedroom.

Richard’s interest in and commitment to preserving the environment for future generations, his preference for “grass roots” work, and his passion for and devotion to the sea and the marine mammals common to the waters of his California home led him to the Pacific Marine Mammal Center, a Laguna Beach, CA – based, volunteer-run and funded organization which tends to the needs of sick or injured seals, sea lions, and other marine mammals. The RBFC is delighted to join Richard in his support of and interest in the Pacific Marine Mammal Center.

Name Richard Burgi Height 6' 1½” Naionality American Date of Birth 30 July 1958 Place of Birth Montclair, New Jersey, USA Famous for

The post Richard Burgi Biography Photographs Wallpapers appeared first on Beautiful Women.

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Why do most people try to scare young drivers with large insurance costs?

"Why do most people try to scare young drivers with large insurance costs?

I am a responsible teen. Why do some people try to tell me I'm not? I hate generalization.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://salecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Not for a new street-bike, but for an older bike, like a triumph""

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Im a girl, Provisonal Lincense Holder (learner driver) 18 years old, looking for no more than a 1.5 engine. Also how much to they cost to tax. Thanks in advance for everyones help, it is much appriceated x.x.x.x.x""

Do i have to have collision insurance for a financed used car?

My coworker told me that I would have to have collision insurance if I want to financed a used or new car. Is this True? Can I just put it on liability even if the car us only 6000 and not payed off yet?

Why do people in the US waste money on car insurance?

There are 5 states such as California where 25% of the public has NO car insurance...while the rest of the country has an average of 7% uninsured. Obviously no one is enforcing insurance so...why bother getting insurance at all. Isn't it cheaper to have none..and more un-American to have it? After all, Americans generally think they should not have to pay for anything, so why pay for anything at all?""

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As a small business, I'm finally getting around to looking at business insurance. God forbid I should get sued, but that would be the only reason I would get insurance at this point. If I get sued (assuming I did nothing wrong that would terminate coverage), what are my responsibilities with regard to paying legal fees? What role will the insurance company play or what control will they have in the litigation process?""

""NO MONTHLY PAYMENTS, underground CAR INSURANCE?""

I heard that there is a car insurance where you only pay $50 one time, no monthly payments, but you get absolutely NO coverage, so if you're in an accident you are basically screwed. it is a legal insurance if a cop pulls you over and check your insurance it comes up fine. Maybe there are other ones that range in fees? Either way does anyone know any companies that do THE ONE TIME FEE .... IT IS TO PURCHASE JUST THE INSURANCE CARD. BUT PASSES CLEAN LIKE YOU ARE COVERED. please help?""

How much (Aprox.) would car insurance cost for a living in Iowa?

19 year old male living in Iowa, zip code 50659 '96 Camaro.""

How much would insurance cost for a 22 year old to be insured with his mother?

My mum has been driving for 24 years . The car I want to be a secondary driver is the Honda Jazz 2004 which is 1.3 Litre. How much is insurance looking to cost around?

Why do most people try to scare young drivers with large insurance costs?

I am a responsible teen. Why do some people try to tell me I'm not? I hate generalization.

What is the absolute cheapest auto insurance out there?

Where can i get it the cheapest!? online or not. i dont care of all these extra benefits just basic full coverage insurance. I havent picked a car out yet but want to find cheapest first. im 19, male with a few traffic violations. also i am in the military if there are any good sites that have a discount. i have been researching and researching and no luck, please help!""

Will it be more expensive to get health insurance in January?

When I did my income tax they said starting 2014 there gonna start charging a penalty fee for not having health insurance I'm looking for some right now but I'm not working right now and my employer dosent provide insurance so I was thinking in January when I start working Will it be more expensive because there's like a lot deadlines for insurance right now in December

350z insurance cost tx 16year old?

how much is insurance for a 2006 350z for a 16 year old first car in texas?

Average docter visit cost in oradell nj w/o insurance?

does anyone know average docter visit cost in oradell nj w/o insurance?

How much is car insurance?

I'm 17 years old male and i have a 2001 ford mustang in great shape I live in Nashua Nh. and I just got my liscence. can anyone tell me how much my insurance would probley be?

Muscle/Sports car insurance question...?

Would a 1971 Ford Torino 4 door sedan be considered a sports/muscle car to insurance companies? I am trying to find a way around the muscle car insurance rates while still having a muscleish car. Any other car suggestions would be great.

How much increase will I expect in my car insurance premium after an accident that was my fault?

I rear-ended a car that in turn rear-ended another car. Damage to my car cost $6500, liability claims against my policy at $5000. Also one driver claimed for bodily injury amounting to $2000. I am insured under Progressive in Texas""

Need a car with VERY cheap insurance. 17 year old male.?

Im just about to pass my driving test and i'm looking to buy a car, something very small like a 1.1L. I've had a few insurance quotes and then results are coming up as 7000?! Even for a ford fiesta or a peugot 306. I put the annual mileage down to 3000 and put my dad as a named driver but it is still very high. What cars could be lower thn this, and any good insurance company that offer low quotes for younger drivers.""

Is it required to buy insurance if you rent a car ?

Well, I'm going to tell my mom to rent a car next Thursday and I'm not sure if she HAVE to buy insurance for it. She already have car insurance from Triple A, can she use the car insurance she have for the rental car? Is that okay? When I reserved the car for Avis last weekend, it said that you can purchase a protection for the car for an extra 18 dollars, im not sure if that's insurance or not. It said its recommended, but not required. Also, no where on the site said that you have to buy insurance for the rental car. Is there already insurance for those rental cars? I'm so confused. pleease help!!""

What is the easiest/cheapest insurance company in Ireland to get insured on with an endorsement and 5 points?

A friend of mine was caught drink driving and has gotten his licence back but with an endorsement and 5 points on his licence, any insurance company he has tried has turned him away. What are his options car wise? And what are the best companies to go to? And also - he is 23 what price range would he be looking at? Thanks in advance for the answers!""

Can i switch over car insurance to new car/ Montana to Wisconsin?

I had insurance for my old car when i was living in Montana, liability coverage or whatever is the cheapest. I got rid of my old car, moved to Wisconsin and bought a new (used) car. Can i switch my insurance over to the new car i bought? I got my insurance through AAA> Any advice would be helpful>thanks""

Insurance coverage for stolen car?

Car was stolen, then recovered, with some damage. I have comprehensive. Insurance company is sure to cover body work. Will they also check and/or compensate me for less obvious damage (i.e. the wear and tear to the car incurred from being drag-raced for several hours)? Will they compensate me for items of value stolen out of the car? How does that work?""

How is mandating health insurance socialism? Why is no one rioting about car insurance?

Healthcare is still run by the private sector. Just more people will be able to get it. How is ensuring everyone has insurance socialized medicine? Healthcare is run by the private sector either way.

Rental Car Insurance-I don't have a auto insurance.What are the coverage i have to buy from rental company?

Hi,I'm new to US.I stay in california.I want to rent a car and confused with the insurance options.could anyone help me,what are all the coverages(LDW,SLP etc) that i need to rent a car?.I don't have a personal auto insurance.""

Affordable health insurance?

how does health insurance work? what are we really paying monthly? what are deductibles and premiums? my boyfriend needs health insurance he is 22 and a smoker and lives in nj he graduated from college already so he cannot get the school insurance and his job does not offer him insurance where can i find affordable heatlh insurance for him

How much on average would car insurance in Calgary be for a minor?

(Never been in an accident, never received a ticket of any kind.)""

How to get insurance to buy a car?

Im about to be 18, and have some saved money to buy a new, cheap car to get me to school/work, but Im a little confused. Ive never done this before and have to all alone now. I know I need insurance on the car to buy it legally, but I'm not sure how to get car insurance coverage first. Do I call my preferred future insurance provider and tell them I need insurance proof for a car Im about to buy? Im not really sure what to do, anybody understand that can help?""

What cars usually have the lowest insurance rates?

I do not have the greatest driving record and am in the market for a car. I also do not have a huge budget (looking to stay under $10,000). I want something newer than 2000 and do not want very high insurance rates. Any ideas?""

How Much is insurance on a fox body mustang?

I really want a fox body mustang and i want to see how much it would cost. It will be my first car and i really want to know before i go car shopping.

How do you put someone on your insurance policy?

I have been insured for 3 years. My bf wants to get a car but with no no claims bonus he is getting quotes in excess of 3000 on the most basic insurance. I've tried to get quotes online to have him on my insurance but driving seperate cars and it seems I can't do this online. Do you have to actually phone them up? I'd prefer to do it online as it's less hassle.

Do I have to pay more for my car insurance?

I purchased a car with a car loan and I had to get full coverage insurance. I pay monthly and I have to do this for 6 months. The sixth month will be on May. I just paid off my car loan so I no longer want to pay extra money for full coverage. I had to pay a down payment for my insurance so my monthly payments would be cheaper. My question is do I have to pay another down payment if I switch to the liability coverage? Do I have to pay those last two months in order to switch to a liability coverage? I live in California.

Is there a site cheaper then http://www.cheap-car-insurance... to find cheap car insurance?

What is the difference between whole and term life insurance?

Which one is better to provide for your families needs if something happed to you?

Why do we care about the people who have no health insurance?

they chose not to get insurance... they chose to by 200 dollar shoes over health insurance.. why do i have to pay for them?????? why am i responsible for someone elses well being? i thought adults were good on their own. i would pay taxes for sal healthcare for ALL children but the adults can go **** themselves who dont have it. its not my problem. i dont have many things that i want to get... i dont see anyone else buying the things i want...

What is the difference between insurance and coinsurance?

I'm on a website looking up health insurance quotes and it also has a column listed for something called coinsurance. What is coinsurance? Here's the site I'm looking at: http://www.lowcosthealthins.com/quote/plans.jsp

Why do most people try to scare young drivers with large insurance costs?

I am a responsible teen. Why do some people try to tell me I'm not? I hate generalization.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/answers-life-insurance-test-lurdes-beach"

0 notes

oselatra · 8 years

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ARKids turns 20

Medicaid expansion in 1997 brought huge change for children's health. What will the next 20 years bring?

Twenty years ago, Marquita Little was among the first Arkansas children to get health insurance under then-Gov. Mike Huckabee's Medicaid expansion initiative, ARKids First. Surrounded by kids, Huckabee signed the act creating the program on March 10, 1997, with a crayon.

Today, Little is the health policy director for Arkansas Advocates for Children and Families. Like other children of working parents who earned too much to qualify for traditional Medicaid but did qualify for ARKids, she got the medical care she needed to have a healthy childhood, which surely contributed to her successful adulthood.

Unlike the president of the United States, who expressed surprise at the complexity of health insurance, Little is knowledgeable about Medicaid and how federal laws, including the Affordable Care Act, affect ARKids. She and her colleagues at Arkansas Advocates worry about ARKids' next 20 years.

Will the past 20 years be one day remembered as the Golden Age of health insurance in Arkansas, an age in which hundreds of thousands of children could afford to see a doctor and, more recently, when more adults had access to health care, an era before Congress dismantled the Affordable Care Act and also put new restrictions on Medicaid? That's a real concern.

How ARKids First came about is one of those great stories in Arkansas politics. Huckabee, concerned about how much of Arkansas's budget was dedicated to Medicaid, convened a task force to find ways to reduce Medicaid spending. Amy Rossi, then the director of Arkansas Advocates for Children and Families and a member of the task force, decided she was going to ask the governor to increase Medicaid spending instead, so that children whose parents' income was too high for traditional Medicaid but too low to afford private insurance could get regular doctor visits.

"I remember calling my colleagues," Rossi said, to tell them she planned to ask for more spending on children's health care. The governor had asked the task force "to put everything on the table," so she told fellow task force members that she would "put out there that there is a growing problem," and that improving children's access to health care "is going to make a difference in the economy."

The response from her colleagues was skeptical. "They pretty much said, 'You do that,' " Rossi said. The pediatricians were the only ones who encouraged her to try it. Dr. Gil Buchanan, a highly regarded pediatrician, asked Rossi, "What could it hurt?" she recalled.

Her economic argument was that sick kids miss school, which means parents miss work. Sick kids who go untreated get sicker, and may require more expensive care down the road. Uncompensated care is a burden on hospitals.

Rossi also had a startling fact on her side: At the time, almost one in four Arkansas children had zero health insurance. The governor "was truly surprised" at that, she said. "He had no clue it was that bad. And he had an affinity for low-income families." Huckabee's Medicaid director, Ray Hanley, confirmed the numbers.

Huckabee didn't say yes to Rossi when she followed through and raised the issue at the task force meeting, which she remembered was held on a Thursday. But the following Monday, Huckabee called Rossi and told her he wanted to talk to her more.

That was November 1996. In December, Huckabee released his budget, and funding for ARKids First, which would cover children whose parents earned up to 200 percent of the federal poverty level, was included.

Huckabee, in a video produced by Arkansas Advocates for ARKids First's 20th anniversary, called the expansion an alternative that "put a wider net around people that had nothing. These were working people." The former governor, who traveled the state to promote the program, said he talked to a man in Mena who was getting his antibiotics for his children through a farm supply store. "It was all he knew to do, because he couldn't afford meds at a pharmacy. He was making do. That got to me. I thought, my gosh, here's a dad who can't afford meds getting an antibiotic intended for a puppy. ARKids changed that. How can you not think that's a good idea?" Huckabee campaigned on his role in creating ARKids in his subsequent presidential bids.

When representatives from the state Department of Human Services took to the road in the late 1990s to explain the ARKids program — a media campaign funded by matching grants from the Daughters of Charity and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation — they were surprised to learn that parents didn't want free coverage, Rossi said. "They would say, 'What do I need to pay?' " she said, and when told the coverage would be free, "they'd say, 'I want to put my share in.' ... It was a pride element."So the decision was made to ask for a federal waiver to be able to charge a co-pay: $10 for doctor visits and $5 for medications. It was controversial; Medicaid required no co-pay. "I took a lot of flak" for going along with the idea, Rossi said. The waiver request "went all the way to the White House." It was allowed after it was agreed there would be a safety net for parents who couldn't afford the co-pays, like those with multiple children who would go to the doctor at once.

Thus Arkansas became only the third state in the nation to expand Medicaid eligibility for children up to 200 percent of the federal poverty level, Arkansas Advocates says, and the first in the South, acting even before Congress passed the State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP, now known simply as CHIP) to specifically cover the population between 133 percent and 200 percent.

ARKids was the Obamacare of its time: It was Medicaid expansion, offering coverage with low co-pays to working families who could not afford private insurance.

In ARKids' first year, an estimated 30,000 children enrolled.

The ARKids First brand now includes both Medicaid, called ARKids A (for children, up to age 19, of families whose income is at or below 138 percent of the federal poverty level), and the CHIP-funded expansion, now known as ARKids B. Combining the two programs under the ARKids First moniker helped remove the Medicaid "stigma," Arkansas Advocates Director Rich Huddleston said.

On Feb. 28, there were an estimated 381,907 children enrolled in ARKids First, Brandi Hinkle, a spokesperson for DHS, said. (Out of that number, 50,759 were enrolled in ARKids B). That's nearly half of all Arkansas children. Another 7,000 were covered under ACA marketplace plans, AACF's Little said. AACF data shows the percentage of children who don't have health insurance in Arkansas, which before ARKids was near the top nationally, is down to 4.9, below the national average.

Some of the recent enrollment in ARKids First is due to the "welcome mat" effect: When parents get insurance, they tend to get insurance for their children, too. This effect could be seen in 2015, after the ACA made health insurance accessible to hundreds of thousands of adults in Arkansas: The uninsured rate for children, which had been at 9 percent, dropped to 6 percent.

Our "thank God for Mississippi" state is ranked at the bottom in many indicators of social well being, but in 1997, thanks to ARKids, it became a national leader in its support for expanded health care to children. In 2013, Arkansas became the first state in the nation to get a waiver to offer Medicaid insurance through private plans — the "private option" — and the program now covers 310,000 Arkansans, many of them previously uninsured.

"You have to give Huckabee a lot of credit," Arkansas Advocates' Huddleston said. "He could easily have said it was not [going to work]." It's likely that today's Republican legislature would not have gone along with expanding children's health care coverage to 200 percent of the federal poverty level.

"I'm deeply concerned," Huddleston said, "about the political environment and what it's going to mean for kids' health."

The ACA brought additional benefits for children as well as adults. Before the ACA came into being, the eligibility cutoff for ARKids A was at 133 percent of the federal poverty level for children younger than 6 and at 100 percent of the poverty level for children 6-18. Now it's 138 percent for all children up to age 19.

The CHIP program comes up for congressional reauthorization in September. Once under a renewal schedule of every four years, Congress changed that, first to every two years, and then every year. Those who want to dismantle the ACA see the renewal of CHIP as a bargaining tool.

But "the big flashing light" that says danger when it comes to the revision of the Affordable Care Act being proposed by Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives, Little said, is that it would restructure the entire Medicaid program, putting caps on dollars to be provided to the states.

"I don't think that it's an understatement that this would radically change how Medicaid works," said Elizabeth Wright Burak of Georgetown University's Health Policy Institute in Washington, D.C., at the Clinton School celebration of ARKid's 20th anniversary. Burak said the caps will shift an estimated $370 billion in health care costs to the states over the next 10 years. If states can't afford the costs, "it would reverse all the success we've seen, not just in children but in seniors and folks with disabilities."

The caps would be based on the cost of health care in 2016 plus a small inflation factor, Little said. But the rise in the cost of health care significantly outpaces the inflation rate. See, for example, the hike in costs of EpiPens, an essential medication for people with certain allergies: A pack of two that once cost $100 rose to $600 in 2016.

It appears that families who insure their children through ARKids can breathe easy until 2020. There is a "maintenance of effect" clause in the Affordable Care Act that says there can be no changes in eligibility for kids covered by Medicaid through 2019, Little explained. What 2020 holds for children's insurance coverage is what worries Arkansas Advocates.

But Huddleston worries that Medicaid caps will require states to "rethink who is eligible. States are going to have to make cuts in either the population [to be covered] or in benefits."

"What does that mean for pocketbooks?" the AACF director said. "Will medical bankruptcies start to skyrocket again?"

Governor Hutchinson announced a couple of weeks ago that he will ask the Republican-friendly federal government to lower Medicaid eligibility from 138 percent of the poverty level to 100 percent. That would boot one in five Arkansans off Arkansas Works, or about 60,000 people. They would have to shop for more costly plans in the marketplace.

The benefits of Medicaid, the Georgetown University Health Policy Institute's Center for Children and Families says, are great. Research into heath care over the past 30 years shows that the program has reduced childhood mortality and increased long-term health with fewer hospitalizations. It has reduced school dropout rates, protected families from medical-care bankruptcies, increased incomes and increased tax payments. One study of tax benefits showed that by the time a child reached the age of 28, the government had recouped 32 percent of the dollars spent on childhood Medicaid eligibility and 56 cents on the dollar by the age of 60. That study was of tax receipts alone, not incorporating other benefits, like college attendance and lower rates of mortality.

The immediate benefit to Elizabeth Woods, 4, who has been on both ARKids A and B as her family's income has waxed and waned, is that she's been able to have her chronic ear infections treated. ARKids has paid for tubes in her ears — she's already had three — and medicine for those ear and sinus problems. That's a relief for her mother, who is single, working and going to college.

The benefit to Benjamin Hernandez, 10, was the medication he was able to receive for his attention deficit hyperactivity disorder — ARKids B paid for his ADHD meds, otherwise $200 a month — and chronic allergies. His mother, Amanda Parker, realized, "I didn't have to worry if he came down with something."

"It would take half my paycheck" to pay for his medications, Parker, who is membership coordinator for the nonprofit Quapaw Quarter Association, said.

Parker has had no trouble with the re-enrollment required for Benjamin's ARKids B: "It's a sheet of paper to fill out." That is by design: Huckabee wanted the signup for ARKids to be much simpler than regular Medicaid, which required a face-to-face meeting and assets tests at the time. Those were eliminated for the expansion program.

ARKids "has saved my butt. ... It has always been a blessing," Parker said.

If Benjamin were to lose his ARKids eligibility because of changes to Medicaid, Parker could get a second job. But she's not crazy about the idea. "I'd hate to get a second job to work from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. and not spend time with my son," she said.

Elizabeth Woods' mother, Hawley, 34, is a parent educator for the Family Network, a nonprofit in Springdale that helps families in need find services, including ARKids First. That means she's savvy when it comes to Medicaid: When her own insurance expired two years ago because of an infamous Department of Human Services computer glitch, she knew whom to call. Not everybody knows how to apply for Medicaid or what recourse they have when their coverage lapses, or has the confidence to call and ask for help, Hawley Woods said.

(Woods, who had breast cancer and had had a mastectomy, required emergency surgery to treat an infection during the time she'd lost her Medicaid coverage during the DHS glitch. Fortunately a surgeon volunteered his services to perform the emergency procedure.)

Because Woods, 34, is working toward a bachelor's degree, she has had to limit her work hours. Even so, she said, she "needed help" even when she worked full time. Medicaid "is a huge deal for my family," Woods said, as it is for others "working as hard as they can to provide for their child."

Elizabeth is prone to sinus infections as well as ear infections, "so we were at the doctor quite a bit," Wood said. She said the stress would be huge "if I didn't have the knowledge that her coverage was good and affordable." Having coverage "gives me confidence. When I notice something is going on with her I can get her in. What I see in my job is that parents wait because of the expense," and then their children need more intensive care. "I can go in as soon as I know something's going on."

The prospect that changes to the Affordable Care Act and Arkansas Medicaid could alter ARKids eligibility or coverage "is terrifying," Woods said. "The thing is a catch-22. You're working really hard to get out of where you are, but there is this middle area where you start losing supportive services, but you're not making enough money [to afford private care]. I've had to get creative and work harder than I've ever worked in my life to get ahead. The system is against you."

"If I was poorer, I would qualify for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program," Woods said. But because she works, she's not. Bettering herself could cost her access to Medicaid as well. "It seems counterintuitive to me, to set people up to fail."

AACF's Little, who was 14 when ARKids came into existence, said that because her own health care costs were so low, her mother was "able to move up the ladder without fear of us losing coverage. ... That's one of the beauties of the state filling in that gap: It's a support for working parents.

"There is so much conversation about encouraging work and independence; that's why programs like ARKids are critical. My mom was able to go from being a janitor at an elementary school while she was in college to now being a director at the agency" where she works. Connie Little is agency relations director at the Arkansas Foodbank.

Little pointed to data that shows kids who have access to health care become economically stable adults, and that is true for her. "I was able to finish college, pursue a graduate degree, and here I am advocating for that access."

Little holds a bachelor's degree from Hendrix College and a master's degree from the Clinton School of Public Service. She worked at DHS before moving to Arkansas Advocates.

In ADDITION TO THE PROSPECT of fewer dollars is the disruption in provision of services that changes in the ACA and Medicaid will mean for the states. DHS' well-known problems in dealing with system changes brought about by the ACA, such as the requirement that all re-enroll, plus technological problems with computer databases and software, data input mistakes, mailing errors and the constant turnover in employees has meant that thousands of eligible Arkansans, adults and children, have suffered lapses or been dropped altogether from Medicaid. Because of changes in DHS computer systems, Little said, Arkansas Advocates has not been able to get county-level enrollment numbers since 2014. AACF has veen relying on Georgetown University's Center for Families and Children, the Annie E. Casey Foundation and census data for yearly enrollment figures.

Changing things up again, as the Republican Congress want to do, would mean DHS would have to reprogram once again. Expect trouble.

Dr. Aaron Strong, a pediatrician in practice with the Little Rock Pediatric Clinic, said he is "passionate about the benefits of extended access to care that ARKids provides to children of working families."

ARKids A's EPSDT coverage — early and periodic screening diagnosis and treatment — means doctors "can stay on top of their general health and catch potential problems so they can be treated early and aggressively and don't become bigger problems."

The developmental screenings covered under ARKids allow him to refer patients for developmental evaluations and therapy if he suspects the need. "If I identify a problem, [children] have resources under their insurance. It doesn't give me a dead end: I don't have to say your child may have a problem with growth but, sorry, I can't help you."

ARKids also provides dental care. "In terms of numbers, if you are thinking about common diseases, dental problems — cavities, caries — are one of the most frequent health problems we see for kids," and may go undetected in children without coverage. "With ARKids, you don't have to worry that."

Strong, who is on the board of Arkansas Advocates, said people may not appreciate "how unique ARKids is, as far as how Arkansas has arranged its CHIP program. There really are not a lot of states that have worked it the way we do. It's excellent insurance. A lot of times I have more trouble finding opportunities for kids with private insurance, like referrals for therapy and medication coverage. It's comprehensive at its best."

Dr. Creshelle Nash, formerly an assistant dean at the College of Public Health at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences and medical director for the Arkansas Minority Health Commission, is now with Arkansas Blue Cross Blue Shield. At the Clinton School's celebration of ARKid's 20th anniversary, she was asked if there would ever be the political will to join the rest of the developed world and extend government insurance, like Medicare, to everyone.

"I still think we have a sense of rugged individualism here as opposed to the collective good," Nash said.

"I look at it this way: Life is a journey, a trajectory, right? And necessarily we're all going to need health care at some point in time. ... And I would want to have, just in case I need it, when I need it, it's there ... and I want that for everyone.

"I don't think we have that sentiment. I still think that we, as a culture, operate in a zero-sum game: That means, if you have any, I have less. That's a problem.

"So until we get past, get to the value point of that this is a common good that we all want in the United States of America, that's going to be a tough thing to get done."

In the current political climate, even limited programs like ARKids and expanded coverage for adults appear to be at risk.

ARKids turns 20

#ARKids turns 20

0 notes

miss-becca · 8 years

Text

it’s week 12 out of 15 now. 3 more weeks of university, and 3 days per week. these numbers seem to accurately track where i’m at in my exchange year, but the last 9 weeks could never be simplified into a class schedule. nor could they ever be adequately portrayed by listing out the places i visited, the events i attended and the sights i saw. these things tend to be the reflexive go-to answers when someone asks me how the exchange lifestyles is treating me. they’re the experiences that are the most easily relatable, the ones that fold up neatly into a box, convenient and complete and conversational. this year i’ve learnt that the reality of exchange is neither convenient, nor complete nor good fodder for small talk. and i guess that’s the reason my writing is so much focused on what i do; just like with my huge pile of university assessment which i haven’t started, i’d rather begin by chipping at the easiest job. so i’ll pick up where i left off.

4th november: machikane festival

the biggest annual(?) festival of osaka university, i was super impressed by the level of effort which the students dedicated to this event. from the big entrance arch to the signs of the food stalls to the performances of jugglers, singers, dancers and bands, right down to the smaller details of everyone’s energy and smiles, my own university’s orientation week event really seems lacking in comparison.

following up the pleasant day by walking ishisbashi with a friend (thanks for coming all the way out!) and then eventually ending up roaming the streets of umeda was perfection. uptown osaka never ceases to surprise. who knew there could be a shrine (temple? oh dear..) hidden right in the middle of the shopping street?

5th november: kifune jinja

what a beautiful place, and it would never have been possible without our local tour guide (thank you for inviting us!). the kifune jinja is located up in the mountains, not too close to the city area of kyoto. though most famous for the steps out the front of the shrine, it was the lead up to that climax which made the experience. it was freezing cold, but the water-top lanterns and restaurant lined streets were just wow. worth.

13th-14th november: hiroshima and miyajima

coming back here as a school trip was really a nostalgic rollercoaster. missing the friends i’d visited hiroshima with before but trying to be in the moment was a difficult balance. however, there were new things to be experienced this time. my attention was shifted away from my wallowing self-pity when we had an atomic bomb survivor share her story.

the effects of the bomb were further and wider than i had imagined. when i visited the museum last time, i was choked up by the sight of the remnants of children’s clothing or bento boxes or even hair and nails put on display. there were stories of people who had died years after the explosion from leukaemia or other cancers caused by the radiation. what i didn’t think of was that people could possibly still be suffering directly from it. that children of the survivors could be carrying health problems caused by a war they didn’t fight. that people would discriminate against them. that there would be shame in admitting where they were from and what their parents had gone through.

it’s humbling to see the city now, a memorial of those who were harmed and a people who stand up for the banning of nuclear weapons.

miyajima was exactly as i remembered it, with an extra dash of colourful leaves. the oysters were fresh and the company was fresher.

hall of remembrance

view from our tatami room

dinner

miyajima again

the reddest tree i saw all season

miyajima’s famous oysters

thanks for the ice cream and beer!

lunch

20th and 23rd november: kyoto trips for days

november is the season for seeing japanese momiji (the red leaves), and kyoto is apparently the place to be. so we went again, once to the fushimi inari and another time to (almost) settsu-kyo. ;)

fushimi inari

so much of this

and so many steps

outside settsu-kyo

this was my favourite

and then kyoto city

25th-28th november: tokyo disney

this heading speaks for itself – その週休み、本当にありがとう！一緒に遊びはめっちゃたのしかった！the theme parks are so aesthetic, and i adore the fast pass system they have going.

disneysea

the aesthetics of this place was really something else

and the food was really not bad either

perfectly christmassy too

nabe for dinner to counter the freezing cold

disneyland

breadcones. what a world we live in.

aiba from arashi’s family restaurant was closed when we got there…

tokyo skytree

cake with kazuma and soki to end the trip!

2nd-5th december: okinawa

okinawa airport greeted me with an aquarium

the bay by my airbnb room

nearly got hit by a car taking this but yay pretty street

okinawa soba – looks really chinese

shuri castle

this tree needs to teach me how to lay down roots

the view from the top

had to take this 20 times to get it somewhat right

hi duck

mango and cherry softcream

accidentally walked all the way down this path and had to consequently walk all the way back up

but there were pretty flowers!

got lost and walked down this pretty road too

the bay at night

kokusaidori – biggest shopping street in naha

taco rice and a live performance as background music

streets were somehow dead by 8

visited the pottery museum with my airbnb host

pottery street

the hole at the top of the vase is in the shape of okinawa island

meow

last meal before leaving naha

first meal with bae and the fam

first time i enjoyed eating goya (bitter melon)

also ate some raw horse

heading to the most famous aquarium of japan!

hello mr. lobster

wishing i was 12 again so i could jump on this beauty of a playground

this boasted being the biggest viewing glass of 2002 hahahah

super needy fish clinging onto a turtle

goya farm

pineapple farm – look at the tiny pineapples thoughh

literally sashimi for days

pretty rock formation

the sign nearby said beware of venomous snakes, but the view was nice

display of the old kingdom of ryukyu

8th december: kobe luminarie

神戸ルミナリエ was an event i somehow heard about right at the beginning of this exchange year, so naturally i was pretty stoked to go. because of sickness (post-okinawa blues), i thought i’d miss out on it, so i was ecstatic to have a friend in kobe agree to meet me and see the lights (yay thank you!). somehow, the evening was beautifully warm and uncrowded, and the show greeted us with some sweet, sweet music too. ;)

from a nearby skyscraper

10th december: christmas usj

this was by far the most crowded day of usj i’ve been to, and oh my word there were so many people i almost couldn’t breathe. we didn’t go on any rides, and only saw one or two shows, but we won a giant snoopy plushie!

yay tree!

tree at night!

dinner at one of my favourite restaurants and snoopyyy

14th december: my first jazz gig

this was. amazing. i was a little nervous walking into a tiny bar alone, but damnnn. misa’s incredible voice (thanks for inviting me!) and the most amazing jazz pianist ever, all wrapped into a lovely christmas night, with a bonus of being able to touch the piano at the end too. :D

23rd-28th december: reunions in the philippines

admittedly, this trip to the philippines entailed very little time spent actually seeing the lovely city of manila. instead, i was spoilt left, right and centre by my hosts (thank you so much for having me!), attending christmas dinners (and just a lot of food related events in general) and meeting families who have now become like family to me. and oh my word don’t get me started on the festive light displays. we spent hours touring neighbouring streets, ooh-ing and ahh-ing at the wonderland which we somehow found ourselves in. as facebook has kindly informed everyone, leaving this country was tough and tearful. there’s so much more i want to see, and so many more people i want to meet, and so much family i want to spend more time with – somehow in 6 days, this country transformed from foreign into another kind of home. <3

dawggggg

so many pretty lights in this city

and a casual venice replica

dinner with my new bear family

29th-31st december: mie, ise and kyoto

i was saved from my post-philippines blues by vince coming to see me from korea. ending the year with a road trip to somewhere new with him and my very first friend in japan was absolute perfection. we hit up the nabana no sato illuminations in mie before traveling down to the ise jingu, and finally stopping by the kyoto aquarium on the way to our new year countdown in karaoke bar. めっちゃ笑った、めっちゃ寝た、めっちゃ楽しかった！そうきありがとう〜！嬉しいだよ！

なばなの里

yay reflected trees!

and the light tunnel oh my..

a movie made up of thousands of strings of led lights

the autumn tunnel

outside the ise-jingu

scored front seats to this show outside an udon store

the front of the jingu

somehow booked out the cutest log house for the night

the interior is even cuter

sleeping in the loft

nabe to help us through a cold night

yay kyoto tower

all the joyous in-betweens

then there were uncountable precious moments just in my darling osaka which made the school times more than bearable even when tiredness was overwhelming.

my favourite andyy

tart date #1

after uni/work dinners with soki :D

minami senri park – autumn edition

tart date #2

saizeriya tiramisu :D

care package from melbourne (THANK YOU NUG)!

more after uni/work dinners

and desserts

pie date with the tart date girls <3

gudetama cafe date with my fellow canberrans

first nabe and kotatsu experience ever! thank youu! ^_^

truly the last two months of 2016 were filled with magic and ever-more love from the people around me and not around me. i saw so many places i didn’t expect to see, and spent time with people who i can now count among my most treasured humans. exchange is infinitely more than i could have ever expected, and if so many things could have happened in the last two months, then so much more is also waiting for me in the next two. sometimes i have to remind myself of this to rescue myself from the weight of the impending ending (oops that got a little too real).

but anyhow, this brings us to 2017. it will be the year of returning, of (hopefully) hard work and some australia travels and (more hopefully) out-of-australia travels. i’m scared and excited and sad and super looking forward to the new joys and memories and friendships which are waiting to be experienced!

happy new year! 明けましておめでとう！新年快樂！may we all look forward to a 2017 filled with abundant blessings! <3

day #288: what words can’t describe it's week 12 out of 15 now. 3 more weeks of university, and 3 days per week.

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