#is it weird to say that whenever I hear the lyrics ‘she’s beauty she’s grace’ I feel a bit… odd lol

[ghosts-and-blue-sweaters]

YOUR TURNNN

Rank the Wilbur Songs :D (u can include the incel trilogy if u want, I just don't know those songs very well so I didnt)

YIPPEE!!! Gosh I’m looking forward to this :D

Okay, to make this easier for me, I’m gonna rank all the songs by album/trilogy/etc, and then make a list of my Very Favorites at the end :)

Maybe I Was Boring

1. White Wine In A Wetherspoons — before a few weeks ago I didn’t even realize this was one of Wilbur’s songs aksgajsgajf but I LISTENED AND INSTANTLY WAS LIKE “OHHHH THIS IS A FAVORITE THIS IS A FAVORITE OH MY!!!” I absolutely love the more visual lyrics, ones that describe places or moments, and the image of hurrying up flights of stairs and finally sitting down to drink, coupled with snapshots from London… immaculate. Simply immaculate. Gosh I love this song. Pretty much every lyric in this song are some of my favorite lyrics of Any song Ever oh my gosh oh my gosh

2. Maybe I Was Boring — again, the visual lyrics really make me love the song :D And it has such a pretty sound, and the lyrics themselves are so poetic, and just… GAH!!! I’ve listened to this song way more times than any of the others in the single (to the point where I kinda forgot about all the other songs til a bit ago lol). AAAAAH AND I LOVE THE END WITH THE REPETITION YES YESSSSSSSSS

2. It’s All Futile, It’s All Pointless — TIED WITH MAYBE I WAS BORING HECK YEAH!!! I can’t choose between them :’0 I really really like them both!! The quick strumming is sooooo satisfying to my ears, and the way Wilbur sings in this song specifically is just… yes.

3. For Memories — the big reason I’m not as big of a fan of this song is the plucking bits! I really like guitar-plucking in songs, but I don’t really like the way these plucks sound. Not my style! I do, however, think the lyrics are really sweet, and I love the strumming bit towards the end :D If it wasn’t for the strumming, I don’t think I’d have this song in my library though :0

E-Girl Trilogy

1. I’m In Love With An E-Girl — IT’S SO DARN PRETTYYYYY AAAAAH YES!!! This one has been my favorite out of the trilogy for months and months now, and I’ve listened to it a bunch :D I really like the way Wilbur sings in this song, and I really like the lyrics, and the sound, and the plucking, and the strumming… it’s just a good song!!

Not exactly pertinent to me ranking the songs, but there’s a short behind the scenes video (HE LOOKS SO NERVOUS AKSGAJSGAJSG) and an animation (one of the first MCYT animations I ever saw!) for I’m In Love With An E-Girl that I really like :)

2. Your New Boyfriend — This one’s… sorta nostalgic for me? Not exactly, because I only discovered it a little over a year ago 😅 But it reminds me of first getting into the whole DSMP fandom, so it’s special :) I really really like the backing track/vocals!! It has such a pretty sound, and it’s unique and catchy as well :D I don’t like the lyrics all that much though; if I did, this would probably rank higher than I’m In Love With An E-Girl! (psssst this was also the first song I ever learned on my ukulele)

3. Internet Ruined Me — I don’t dislike the song, it’s just… not my style. I do, however, really really like the bit at the end, with the repeated, “we used to sleep on call together”. GOSH I love that bit.

Edit: okay I’ve been listening to Internet Ruined Me a good bit lately, and I think it’s growing on me :0 Still my least favorite out of the trilogy, but I seem to enjoy it more and more with each listen :D

Your City Gave Me Asthma

1. La Jolla — LA JOLLAAAAAA!!! FOXIE, IF GOLDEN HOUR IS YOUR SONG, THEN LA JOLLA IS ONE OF MINE!!! GAH!!! Gosh, just. Oh gosh. This song. Ough. It is beautiful and deep and emotional and filled with longing and wondering and missing and so many other feelings and the way his voice sounds and the incredible guitar and the static-y telephone sound effects… it’s breathtaking. It’s such a beautiful song. I love it so so much. Oh my gosh.

It is also the only song I’ve ever fallen asleep to XD

2. Jubilee Line — :’( It’s a really stunning song, and it sounds lovely but the lyrics are so sad and the story behind the song is even more sad and just… gahhhhh!!! I really enjoy listening to sad songs, and this one is… incredible. It’s so good.

3. Since I Saw Vienna — YES!!! WONDERFUL LOVELY SOUNDS HERE!!! I’ve listened to this song a bunch this year :D It’s got such a folk-y wandering vibe!!

4. Saline Solution — HECK YEAHHHH I LOVE THE LYRICS ABOUT THE ALARM CLOCK!!! GOOD GOOD SONG!!! VERY SOLID!!!

5. Losing Face — This is gonna sound so weird, but this song gives me major nostalgic vibes; but specifically nostalgic vibes for youth group of all things?? When I was little, I went to youth group/awana at church, and the music that was played there sounded very similar—backing track-wise—to Losing Face! So whenever I hear this song I’m reminded of doing youth group as a little kid :)

Which is a bit strange alsgaksgakgsha because these lyrics aren’t exactly church-y lol

6. Your Sister Was Right — This used to be one of my favorites from the album, but as I’ve listened to the other songs I’ve found myself liking this one a bit less! I still like it though :) The plucking is so cool gosh

7. I’m Sorry Boris — I’m a very sensitive person and the guitar squeaks always make me jump 😭 WHY ARE THE GUITAR SQUEAKS SO LOUD. ORDINARILY I LOVE HEARING GUITAR SQUEAKS IN SONGS BUT THESE ONES ARE WAY TOO LOUD AND THEY STARTLE ME. Ajsgajsgaksgajf other than that, it’s a really pretty + emotional song, and La Jolla’s, “you know it takes a lot to move me / if you figure it out, tell me” compared to I’m Sorry Boris’, “I’ve figured out what can move me” will never not make me <3 :’)

Speedrun Opinions On Extra Wilbur Songs!

1. Diegetic Little Freak — GOSH I LOVE THIS ONE!!! OH HOW I WISH HE’D OFFICIALLY RELEASE IT!!! IT’S SO GOOD 😭

2. Karen Please — this one just sounds good lol. Loooove the chords/strumming pattern :D I’ve learned this one on ukulele actually!! And the lyrics are… interesting! Very very interesting!

3. Screensaver — the lost beloved <3 Dude this is one of the first Wilbur songs I ever heard :0 I used to listen to it a lot. THE LYRICS AND STRUMMING ARE SO GOOD AAAAAAAH

4. Vitriol — Wilbur’s very first original song, if I remember correctly! And- okay. The vocals. Are kinda. Really not good lol WHICH MAKES SENSE!!! IT WAS HIS FIRST SONG AND HE DID NOT HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE WITH SINGING!!! But gosh it still makes me cringe XD However, someone got that song and made a Lovejoy version of it, and I really like that :D I think if Wilbur wanted to, he could rework the song into something brilliant!! It is truly a lost relic <3

-17. The Nice Guy Ballad — yeah we’re going into the negatives here. This… is one of the very few songs I vehemently dislike. It makes me real uncomfortable :/ And I kinda get that; I know Wilbur isn’t actually singing from his POV, but from the POV of the crappy stereotypical “good guy” in movies. But like… ah. I really don’t like this song. I’ve only ever heard the full thing once and I have no desire to hear it again.

So! *claps* now that I’ve got the rankings out of the way, I’ll give a little list of my Very Favorites from every album/single/etc!!

Ja Jolla, Diegetic Little Freak and White Wine In A Wetherspoons! All my favorites :D Good good songs!

[msiopao]

Nobi with the Members

WORLDWIDE HANDSOME

‘eomma!!!’

one yell from her and jin’s running in with a spatula, ready to beat the kids

thinks a lot of her outfits are revealing but gave up after nobi told him to stop complaining to the stylists

cooking buddies

feeds into jin’s ego at being handsome

‘kim seokjin? no. art? yes.’

babies nobi TOO much

even though she’s literally 24, he still treats her like she’s 12

thinks she can do no wrong and sees her as an angel

but nobi is such a bad influence

‘my hair is bothering my eyes and it makes me want to just cut if off’

*nobi handing him scissors* ‘do it’

constantly telling him that his dancing is perfect bc jin is insecure about the lack of his ability :(

even though he’s a better dancer than most

nobi tries to get him riled up so he talks all weird

the one who is actually genuinely tickled with jin’s jokes

eatjin’s legendary moments always have jin and nobi in it

goes to his hotel room just because he always has food and jin doesn’t have it in him to refuse her

the one who nags nobi the most regarding her eating

just her mom periodt

TONGUE TECHNOLOGY

gets hyper when nobi messes around

incredibly and ridiculously protective of her

helps her go through rough times as her therapist

yoongi mumbles under his breath and nobi is usually the only one who hears and will laugh as he curses someone quietly

nobi’s sense of humor is the closest with his

nap times are their bonding times

also composing

army always amazed bc nobi is the only who gets yoongi on crack mode

nobi always pinches his cheeks and she shrieks when he does that cute awkward smile

nobi absolutely flipped out when yoongi got really sick

always seeks yoongi’s approval so he’s the first one to see her lyrics

doesnt beat around the bush w it

if its bad, needs improvement

if its good, its the BEST LYRICS HES EVER READ

nobi hides her feelings well and he’s the only one who can get her to open up

during bst era, she hit her lowest

yoongi got very concerned and when she did finally talk, his heart just broke in half

she hates the fact that she can’t be the daughter her parents wanted

she hates the fact that she’s weak and breaks down easily

she hates the fact that she’s seen as a whore because she’s surrounded by boys she calls her brothers 24/7

she hates the fact that everything about her is considered wrong

that talk got them really close and yoongi makes it mission everyday to see her genuine and pretty smile

he lives for her happiness

uwu

HOBI

‘WELCOME TO THE HOBI NOBI SHOW!’

puppies

nobi hugs him a lot

whenever he dances, nobi has this look in her eyes that looks like hobi is the stars and the universe

both of them are the ones who keep the group’s mood up and tries to prevent fights

even when they’re tired from practice, they still smile and yells ‘hwaiting!’

while hobi is just a moodmaker in general,

nobi does it bc she hates confrontation and gets uncomfortable so she just blurts it out

nobi’s also a dancer so her and hobi dance ALL THE TIME

vlives w them are always filled with laughter and teasing

‘everyone, nobi just fell after hitting that spin’

‘YAH! NO I DIDNT!’

hobi is known to be a choroegrapher and nobi puts her input here and there and boom!

tbh idk why they even have a professional choreographer in the first place

hobi is a trained singer so nobi asks him to sing for her constantly

hes happy to oblige

armys live for the moments of them in run bts or vlives bc they have this vibe or bond that is just something you wished you had

JOONIE-HYUNG!

‘NOBI WATCH OUT!’

they’re the philosophical duo

nobi loves poetry and literature in general bc she tends to think really deeply 

their bonding time is those deep talks

as their leader, nobi goes to him for confirmation or approval for a lot of things

she’s always having english lessons w him and he tries his best to teach her so she could speak to int-army

bts calls them the clumsiest bc of joon’s usual clumsiness but nobi is always looking out for him so she doesnt pay attention to her surroundings and runs into something too

she loves his studio and hangs out the most even though joon’s always telling her to stay away

props up her feet on that fortune dollar table of his

when he speaks english in interviews, she watches him with a smile on her face

her dad

pats her head when she walks over to him

her and jimin crashes his vlives all the time 

there’s nothing in the world that changes the way she sees joonie

to her, she’ll always be the joonie who welcomed her to their group even though she was a brat at first

thats another story for next time

now she respects him so much and he’s probably the one she looks up to the most

overall, she idolizes him and talks about him like he put the stars in the sky while joon just sits there all flustered

MOCHI

oof look at that beautiful manjfkalj;dlfsjkf

cannot sleep without her chimmy plush

when they first met, he was the first one she got really close to

his cute chubby cheeks were victims of her uwu moments

learns a lot fo ballet videos from youtube and they dance it in vlives all the time

remember when i said she had an eating disorder?

yea, it happened around the time he had his too

nobi was always trying to eat little ever since debut but she stopped eating for days at a time and with jimin doing it too, bts kinda derailed for a hot minute

a long emotional time of sufering until bang pd demanded they stop it immediately

after that, they had an emotional sit down where they just cried and spilled all their insecurities and they had each other’s backs

knowing she was already skinny, jimin disapproved but she also disapproved and again, more tears

nobi always hides snacks in her and kook’s room that kook doesn’t even know about and she always brings the box over to jimin’s room if hobi is out for schedules

when hobi went to america, nobi slept in jimin’s room

kook was real pissed off about it

eyesmiles for days

giggles 24/7

has the picture of one of jimin’s unreleased baby pictures as her home screen

dies a little inside when nobi reaches over to him with sweater paws bc OMG she’s so cute

uwu

jimin really coos and giggles at nobi bc of her small height and her uwu energy

sorry i used uwu a lot

TAETAE

the dumpling accident omg

jimin mentioned it in a vlive earlier and nobi also talked about it a day later in her own vlive

‘tae was very hungry at that time and just wanted to eat it immediately and when he got angry, he curled up to nobi and refused to acknowledge me’

again, nobi hates confrontation so fights between the members always brings her down and so she tries to comfort each member

she bought tae some dumplings after practice and tricked him into meeting jimin so they could meet up

tbh, tae would be a mess without nobi

she helps him clean up his room but gives up w the amount of clothes on the floor

‘honestly, you shouldve just stayed roommates w joonie-hyung. we cant trust you to room by yourself’

she goes to his room sometimes and just lays on his bed bc he has the softest bed in the whole dorm

tae is already known to be very regal and royalty like whenever he steps outside

combine that with graceful queen nobi?

oof armys fanfiction royalty aus pop up everywhere

nobi is still angry that tae isn’t a gucci model w her bc she feels out of place being the only member w a clothing sponsorship

but underneath that stiff and cold facade, they both are seen making faces and goofing off all the time

nobi can only stand being a queen for so long

in one concert, she danced w him in a duet w singularity and lets just say, armys died that night

always stands next to each other and if they cant, always seen giving each other longing stares and smiles

the 2nd most popular ship in the fandom and they know it too so they keep feeding armys for their compilation videos

MUSCLE PIG

the only member who’s younger than her

actually would it be considered if they’re only 10-months apart?

kook refuses to call her noona unless he wants something

initially didnt like her but there was a time she bought him banana milk and it was all good

our boy was crying bc he was hungry and tired and he was trying to control his weight and he just wanted some banana milk

they’re a superior ship

one of the most popular ship in the whole industry

actually the superior couple and kai and jennie can square up

there’s fan edits of them and they both purposely do stuff to help them make au videos in youtube

theyve seen it before so we arent safe bois

the 2nd pair of roommates in the bts dorm

nobi is usually the first one to sleep while kook is watching something in the living room

when he goes to his room, he takes a minute and stands at the doorway and just looks at nobi with love in his eyes

mhm

nobi loves warmth so she gets out of her own bed at like 3 in the morning and just goes into kook’s and cuddles to him

sometimes, they just lay in bed and nobi is holding his hand just inspecting his tattoos

‘should we get a matching tattoo?’

their closet is large and tbh, they share the same clothing anyways

more like nobi wears mostly kook’s stuff

like, really, nobi has pants and a few shirts and thats it

they share everything like family but kook refuses to share her w anyone else but him

[diamondcamefromhell]

Timeless love

Jaskier x Reader part 5

[PART 1]  [PART 2]   [PART 3]  [PART 4]

Summary: This is an AU, where Y/N is a young woman, trying to make ends meet with her freelancing writing job. She lives in her small Nottingham studio apartment along with her cat Apollo. Things change when one evening as she is waiting for her taxi, she meets what she thinks is Joey Batey, but the man in front of her is convinced he’s Jaskier, a character from her current favorite show. Y/N now has to figure out what to do.

Warnings: drinking and just some cheesy cheese

Word count: 2,637

A/N: Ahhh you guys, thank you for liking this story and encouraging me to write it, i sooo expected this to be a flop, and i really appreciate the [so far] positive feedback ahhh! we writers do fuel on comments sometimes, lol, so whenever you lot say you like it i go so soft and THANK YOU hope you like this part <333

Jaskier doesn’t look at me, keeping his gaze at his arms. I see him try to blink the tears away, but he fails, as some escape, washing down his face. I reach out, putting my hand on his.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper, not wanting to disturb him. He wipes his face with his free hand, looking at me.

“It’s accurate.” His voice sounds rough and deep. I squeeze his hand. “Like, really accurate.”

“It must be scary.” He hangs his head low.

“It is, Y/N. But at the same time…” Jaskier now leans back on the coach, closing his eyes. His lashes now cast shadows down his face, making him appear so much older. “I am glad that it is, at the very least, correct. Not some fake story, just using our names and faces. It’s real.”

“I cant even imagine what you’re feeling. What must be going through your head.” I whisper as he opens his eyes, gazing at me. “But I want you to know I am here to help you, in any way I possibly can.”

“I have no doubts about that.” He reassures me, brushing hair out of his face, taking a deep breath in. “It’s scary, but it made me upset because… I miss it. I miss Geralt and Roach and I miss Velen and Novigrad.”

“You’re homesick.” He nods. “I promise we will get you home, we will figure it out. Something, somehow.”

“Thank you.” He offers me a smile, and I stare into his eyes, wondering just how much they have seen. How much of a different world, so far away? I wish I could experience that. With him. But then I also know, I belong here and he truly belongs there.

“Until then, Jaskier, maybe I should allow you to experience more of my world.” I say, taking laptop on my knees, exiting Netflix.

“I would be recognized as the guy who plays me, unless I can experience it from your home.” I shake my head.

“I should have thought of it sooner, if I am honest.” I sigh, turning laptop to him. “We have wigs. And some people wear cute little masks as fashion. We could pretend you are one of them, get a wig, and boom. You’re a different person, free to roam the world. We could go to eat out or an amusement park or clubbing or…-“

“Is it a date?” He cuts me off, immediately sending a blush to my face.

“Sure.” I stutter as he giggles, and my heart eases up a little.

So I order a wig. A blond one, spend good pounds on it. And a mask. And just more outfits. They should arrive here by tomorrow. I leave the shop, not wanting to know what my bank balance is looking like.

Then I open some more tabs. I begin grilling Jaskier, trying to distract him. I ask where he would want to go eat, if he even wants to go ride some rollercoasters. He agrees to it all, as his eyes lighten up and his shoulders relax. My hear beats faster.

The next day when items arrive, he tries them on, and while the wig is not the best, you cant really recognize him. So that same evening, I decide it’s time we go to a pub, something he is almost familiar with. We’re walking from the taxi, towards the pub just out of town, as I begin explaining it to him.

“It is similar to a tavern, in my opinion at least.” I say, as he nods. “You can go there, order some food, drinks, whatever really, just a place to hang out.”

“Sounds cool.” He says, not sounding impressed and I grin at him.

We make it inside, as the warmth surrounds us. I hear some pop music play, wondering what Jask will think about that. I guide us to a further corner, a table behind a pillar. I know some waitresses call it a “lovers nest” and that sheer name makes my heart skip a beat. Sadly, we are using it for coverage mostly.

We sit down, Jaskier’s back facing the pub, as a waitress gives us our menus, giving a weird glance to the bard, but not commenting on his outfit.

I forced him to wear a simple white shirt with a oversized colourful jacket. It had patterns of marvel superheroes, which I thought was cool, but he said wearing “green goblin” on his ass wasn’t his cup of tea.

“You can take your mask off.” I encourage Jaskier now, as he practically rips it off. Underneath, I see a smile.

“This is nice.” I hm in agreement, looking at the menu.

“We can start with drinks.” I say, turning it around to the drinks side. “Unless you’re hungry.”

“No, I’m okay on food.” I smirk, twisting his menu too.

“Then let’s drink.” He seems to like that.

We order some cocktails, although Jaskier insisted of good old ale. And some shots of different spirits. The waitress brings it, wishing us a good night, and I know she probably wont bother us much. Unwritten rule for lovers nest.

So we drink up, talking about everything and nothing. I tell him about how I find Apollo on the streets, poor boy was bones and skin, full of lice and worms in his belly. Costed me a lot, but I was determined to take care of him. He tells me about the time before he met Geralt, how he learnt to play the lute by himself.

“I would wonder the fields, singing my heart out. I wasn’t very good then.” He laughs, looking into the distance with a nostalgic look growing on his face.

“How come?” I ask, sipping my Mojito, which Jaskier didn’t like.

“The wolves would run away, whenever they would hear me.” I chuckle, and his gaze comes back, landing on me, as his lips curl into a smile. “But I learnt.”

“I know.” I say, as he grows silent. He hasn’t sung since we met. “You should, however, prove it some time.”

“Hm.” He smirks.

I almost don’t hear it, in a faintest voice, Jaskier begins to sing. In a language I don’t understand. I don’t know if he spoke one of the elder languages, if it was elven or something, but it sounded beautiful. So sad, however.

My gaze seemed to encourage him, as his voice grew ever so braver. He didn’t take his eyes off me, as if to make sure I was listening. I wouldn’t dare to do anything else. Then, as sudden as it began, it stopped.

“That was beautiful.” I say as the light above our table flickers. “Even if I understood nothing.”

“Not mine song. One of the elves I’ve met on a road taught me.” My curiosity grows as I lean in.

“What is it about?” That makes Jaskier blush, as he winks at me.

“I’ll tell you another time.” I lean back now, crossing my arms.

“Not fair.” I argue, but he doesn’t budge.

“I promise, you will learn someday. Just, not today.” I roll my eyes, easing up however, as I reach back for my mojito.

“Oh! I love this song!” I say as a slightly louder one comes on. It’s Ed Sheeran’s ‘Thinking Out Loud’

I spring to my feet, drink still at hand, as I dance to the rhythm, twirling and twisting around, not caring if I look graceful or anything. I was feeling the moment. I sing along to it, not being anxious if I sound bad. The wonders of alcohol.

I finally make eye contact with Jaskier, who seems to be mesmerized. I reach out to him, pulling him up just as the lyrics hit ‘Maybe just a touch of a hand’. I keep singing, making him dance with me. He kind of doesn’t move, his lips slightly apart, eyes wide open.

I take step back, to sing the chorus and I twirl around him, smiling. I keep singing, now mostly just waving my body side to side, looking at the bard in front of me. The whole pub seems to disappear, nothing else matters. Just me and him, in his stupid wig.

Just us, in this world. Scared and confused. Lost. Not sure of what tomorrow may bring. But for now, we were in this together, and in this very moment, I counted all of my blessings. The biggest one stood before my very own eyes. His lips still parted, his gaze still on me.

My chest tightened as the song was nearing the end and I walked towards him. Just to make sure he is real, truly here. And he was, as his hands land on my waist and he finally swings with me, as I silence my signing to a mere whisper, placing my forehead on his shoulder. Breathing him in, storing the scent in my brain. I memorize the way his hands lay, engraving it in my body, so I could remember it when he is not there to remind me.

I touched him. I smelled him. And now.

I pull away, and before I can change my mind, before worry and anxiety come over me, I place my lips on his. My eyes are shut, as I am scared to open them, even when we pull apart.

Now I tasted him too. The pina colada he just drank was still on his lips. Coconut and a mix of alcohol. But there was something else, something I couldn’t point out. I guess it was just the way his kiss tastes.

“You can open your eyes.” I hear hip whisper, as the song ends. I jump a little, opening my eyes. He gazes into me.

“Sorry.” I stutter, stepping back, as his grip loosens and I slide out of his arms.

“For what?” He furrows his brows, and I feel heat rush to my face.

“I crossed the line?” I say, and it sounds more like a question than a statement.

“Oh, Y/N.” He lets out a laugh, as it eases me up immediately. “You really didn’t. I like you.”

I stare at him, as he says it so casually. It slid off his tongue, like poison, going right in my bloodstream, straight to my heart. I go back to my seat, downing the rest of mojito. Jaskier follows suit, sitting in front of me, grinning.

“Stop being so afraid.” He grabs my hand, which I didn’t even notice was shaking.

“I like you.” I admit, not looking at him, as I blush even more. “And it’s scary to like someone, Jaskier.”

“It’s not like you like a monster.” He teases as I fix my gaze on his empty glass.

“No, of course not, but…” I stop there. No need to remind him we are from different worlds. Right now we were both here. Together. Nothing was stopping us from falling. “I don’t know.”

“There are a lot of things people may never know.” I look at him now, as he gives me a soft, encouraging smile. “Love might just manage to be one of them.”

“It really is.” I agree, leaning back. I feel my heart calm down a little.

“By the way, you sound incredible.” I open my mouth in shock as Jaskier doesn’t seem to be able to hold in a laugh, as it rings the entire pub. “You look so much more surprised by that, than me liking you.”

“Because you just said I sound incredible!” I pull my hand from his grip, brushing my hair out of my face, squinting at him. “Do you like the sound of dying cats too?”

“If they sounded like you, I might kill cats for fun.” I flush red.

“Stop.” I stutter as he giggles, clearly entertained. “I need to use the restroom.”

I spring to my feet, fanning my face as I rush past him. I find the bathroom in a basement. I go, splash some water on my face. It doesn’t really help, but it gives me a moment to calm down. I take deep breaths, bravely walking out.

I bump into someone.

“Sorry.” I say, lifting my head. My heart sinks.

“It’s okay.” Our eyes meet, as the man face grows full of concern. “Are you okay?”

“I think I might be sick.” I scramble the words, turning on my feet rushing back in the bathroom. I let out the alcohol into the toilet, flushing it, as my head aches. This can’t be happening.

“Hey, are you okay?” The familiar voice creeps in as I grunt. I know he cant hear me. I quickly wash my mouth with some water, coming out again.

“Yeah, sorry.” I cant stop my voice from shaking, as he crosses his arms, his blue eyes piercing at me.

“You looked like you saw a ghost or something.” He giggles and I manage to give a weak smile in response.

“I recognized you, is all.” I decide to say the truth, or at least some of it. “Didn’t expect to see someone like you in this pub.”

“One of my friends is from around here, we’re catching up.” I stare at him, not believing my luck. One of his, one of Joey Bateys friends lives nearby. Are you kidding me.

“Then I wont hold you back any longer.” I say, moving out of the way so he could go to the stairs, but he doesn’t move.

“You’re not holding anyone back, I am glad to meet a fan.” I grin, turning around and initiating us walking out of this basement.

“Maybe not by the bathrooms.” I point out as he snickers and now not seeing him I can pretend it’s Jask.

“Can I buy you a drink?” I shake my head.

“I’m on a date.” I say, gritting my teeth. “Thank you, though.”

“Yes, of course.” I stop in the pub now, as I see that nobody is batting an eye. Nobody else seemed to recognize the actor.

“Well, I better not keep my man waiting.” I look at Joey one more time, praying to god I don’t vomit on him now.

“Enjoy your date.” Joey says as I nod as a thanks. “Maybe I’ll see you around?”

“I truly hope so.” I say in a friendly voice, as he waves at me, going to a different end of a pub.

I rush to our table, practically attacking Jaskier. I grip his shoulder tightly.

“We need to go.” I hiss startling him. “Now.”

“What happened?” I don’t feel like I have time to talk, as I take my purse, pulling out the card.

“Mask on. Head down.” I order, as I speed walk to the bar, paying for the drinks.

I hear Jask behind me, so I rush to the door, glad Joey seems to be seated in the other corner, where he can’t see us flee. Once outside, I keep power walking, until out of breath Jaskier catches on and grabs my hand.

“What happened?” I look at him.

“I met Joey Batey. Inside.” I grunt, as I shake. Jaskier pulls me into a hug, patting my back.

“Hey, he’s just a guy, nothing to be scared off.” I know he’s right. I know it, but yet…

“I am not scared off him, just. If people were to see you two, next to each other…” I jumble the words, not sure if he can understand what I’m trying to say.

“So you were worried for me.” I hear a smile in his voice, so I gently punch his hand, as I pull away. “That’s why I like you.”

“Because you need someone who will look after you like you’re a baby?” I tease as he laughs.

But my beating heart doesn’t slow, so I quickly get us a taxi home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TAG LIST [if you wish to be added or removed from this, let me know <3 ]

@ultracolorfulnerdcollection ; @viyamystic ; @sleepyblossom ; @killjoy-acid-crash ; @halszka-potter  ; @apersondealwitlt <3

[badlydrawndrawnings]

Cats: Highlights From the Motion Picture Soundtrack

It dropped at 11:45 where I’m at so chances are this post is gonna get weird at times. Anyway, Short Version is that Robbie Fairchild (Munkustrap) is the only person I fully enjoy in this Highlight Soundtrack like serious IMO he is a saving grace. I hope the full soundtrack will be up soon  I want to hear everything and judge it all (I can’t see it in theaters). Long Version with the Highlights:

Overture: DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN It’s a bit short. Like it 1 minute and 39 second short but I like it. 8/10 that guitar riff in beginning is sweet will listen again.

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats: Also on the short side, and the beginning was really janky like someone forced them all the speed up to get to the good parts (RIP Victoria who I suspect sang at the end). 6/10 entertaining on the ears, would probably listen again but I won’t like first half.

The Old Gumbie Cat: I grew up on the 1998 version so it being short is okay for me. The only saving grace is Robbie Fairchild and the Jazz Instrumental where Rebel doesn’t sing. 5/10 would not listen again but I will because Munkustrap.

The Rum Tum Tugger: MILK! I am so glad that it’s the original rock and roll number. I did not expect it to be fully rock and roll but hey, I’ll take it! Jason Derulo is pretty damn good! He’s not like Jagger or Elvis style, but whoever Tugger is copying, I like. The draw back is the chorus should be more enthusiastic! 7/10 would listen again.

Bustopher Jones The Cat About Town: I don’t hate Bustopher Jones’ actor per say, but I am not his biggest fan. He was okay in Into the Woods, so I expect he would be decent. I find it very pleasant, but I can’t handle the fact he’s a fat joke character (more than the usual given this song is about how respectable Bustopher Jones is in society despite being a catl), Tugger is singing this number, and uh, because Macavity is in this number? 6/10 will listen again to solve that mystery.

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: IT’S USING THE ORIGINAL LONDON STYLE!!! I was not expecting that. Short and simple; I like it. I just wish I could tell who was Victoria and who was Rumpleteazer they sound too alike at times. 9/10 would listen again. 

Old Deuteronomy: Pretty sure they change the lyrics to hide Old D’s original gender in the poem/stage musical. Munkustrap really carried the number beautifully (guess this is what happens when Tugger sings in Bustopher Jones). 7/10 would listen again.

Beautiful Ghost: Not a bad original song 8D. Victoria what the hell happen to your human family did they threw you out? 7/10 would listen again it’s sad.

Magical Gus + Gus The Theatre Cat: WHY IT IS THE PLAYBACK SPEED AT 1.25X? It’s so fast...whY. And why did they get rid of Jellylorum the duet show how long Gus has been away from the stage (that’s how I interpret it). Ian McKellen does has a lovely voice though I wish he was given the chance to sing the song as it be: SLOW. 5/10 would not listen again but when playing it at 0.75x it’s a 7/10 I recommend it to listen to song twice to hear the difference.

Skimbleshanks The Railway Cat: Damn tap dancing number appearing so suddenly in the opening after Skimble sings. So Skimble’s actor (Steven McRae) is more of a dancer from what I can find online, but you know what I enjoy his voice whenever he sang (also hi Munkustrap in number 8D). The one thing I can’t understand is that the music itself is...something of a dance party music? 8.5/10 I would have gave it a 9 but **** the fact Skimble is shirtless he needs to wear a damn shirt you’re going to get a cold in the northern hemisphere.

Macavity (The Mystery Cat): I’M SO SORRY DEMETER THE FILM DID YOU DAMN DIRTY FIRST THEY CHANGE YOUR FUR COLOR AND THEN MADE YOU MEAN TO VICTORIA. I have no ****ing clue if she’s even singing in this number like remember my complaint in Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, I can’t tell the female sings apart. The only real thing I enjoy is the music orchestra BGM like shit it’s sweet as hell. And I know when Taylor sings so uh, she’s good. I can’t believe Macavity just shows the **** up in the last thirty seconds he’s not bad of a singer. 5/10 would not listen but I will because is this a duet or a solo?

(Magical) Mr. Mistofelees: Laurie Davidson you have a voice of nervous angel and it’s perfect. I know Tugger singing this song makes it rock, but from I saw from the trailers, if Tugger did this Misto would just never show up. Changing it to mostly Victoria (let the wars commence!) and Munkustrap (!?) works because from what I can tell, the former is because they’re friends from the start of the night (damn 24 hours can do things) and the latter...uh...shit I feel I need context for this to make sense 8V. The ending is really bopping with the spirit of what makes the songs so great in the first place. 7.5/10 wold listen again I hope a longer version exist.

Memory: I’M SO SORRY JEMIMA, VICTORIA SANG YOUR SOLO BIT. Yes, Victoria did good (I look it up it is Victoria), but that’s not the point. Jemina is two half of the reasons that gave Grizabella a chance to get sacrifice be reborn, and unless Jemima isn’t in the film but combine with Victoria, I need the full soundtrack to see if Jemina got screw over in the Moments of Happiness okay I don’t want another character assassination I can’t handle another one. Grizabella, you did good. You did good. 7/10 would listen again but I won’t be happy given what was change.

The Addressing of Cats: Old D is so soft spoken it’s like she’s trying to kindly tell the humans what do to despite the dissonance from the eventual dramatic religious music that pops up for the final bits to scare the living shit out of us. 7/10 IDK if I would listen again.

Beautiful Ghost (Credit Version): ...yeah I like the movie version better o_o. It’s not bad and it’s nice on the ears, but something about Victoria singing makes me feel more invested? Idk why I just do. 7/10 could listen again but I won’t unless I want to.

[rhiezus]

Reputation As Our Ships

Ready For It?

For starters, this album takes a heavy road into Julie and Valak’s relationship that came out of the blue between us one night, exactly like they are. However, I had to admit the first time I was listening to this song I thought about Zeev and Eleanor, but well, I might just have been crazy or a little right, who knows? Anyways is totally Julie and Valak, even the music video, there is something about the song... The strong bass and stuff, it’s uGH tHEm!

“ I, I, I see how this is gon' go Touch me and you'll never be alone I-Island breeze and lights down low No one has to know [...]”

The “no one has to know” part. Also this description from genius:  “Touch me, and you’ll never be alone” might be in reference to the trappings of Taylor’s fame; the paparazzi follow her everywhere, so they would inevitably follow her boyfriend, too. Talk about dispatch, am I right?

“In the middle of the night, in my dreams You should see the things we do, baby In the middle of the night in my dreams I know I'm gonna be with you, so I take my time”

I love how genius mention that she talks about sex for the most part of this song, which recalls the fact that Julie and Valak relationship was built through her losing her virginity with him. The part when she sings “let the games begin”, it was like Julie knew it was a whole puzzle but she did it anyway because she was looking for an excuse not expecting that Valak would become much more than it one day. Also, the “i know im gonna be with you, so i take my time”, is truly the feeling which leads them to get marry, they just knew they would be together, so why waste time?

End Game

Who we kidding? We all know this is Linlin and Mingyu, again it has something to do with the vibe of the song too. Like there is she singing and then a bunch of rappers... UgH! Please ONG concerts give a collab May-b rapping line feat Xiulin with this song so I can die happy. aNYwAYs, my mind was also associating this song to Nayoung and Keun, am I crazy? Maybe? No? It’s lyrics time to tell that.

“We do the most, I'm in the Ghost like I'm whippin’ a boat I got a reputation, girl that don't precede me (Yeah) I'm one call away whenever you need me (Yeah) I'm in a G5 (Yeah), come to the A-Side (Yeah)”

The “one call away” kind of guy from Samara.

“I don’t wanna hurt you, I just wanna be Drinking on a beach with you all over me I know what they all say (I know what they all say) But I ain't tryna play”

Literally dying from the “beach” part because both Mingyu and Keun are from Jeju.

“Even when we’d argue, we'd not do it for long And you understand the good and bad end up in the song For all your beautiful traits, and the way you do it with ease For all my flaws, paranoia, and insecurities”

Oh my god, this song just couldn’t get any worse... “end up in the song”.

I Did Something Bad

Okay, hold up. This is Chihye. I could say Julie too because all of the drama, but honestly, is Chihye she has her fair load of bad stuff she did and I don’t see her as the type who regrets any of it, so this title is hers.

“They say I did something bad Then why's it feel so good? They say I did something bad But why's it feel so good? Most fun I ever had And I'd do it over and over and over again if I could It just felt so good, good”

Literally, no remorse and it can sound bad to think of my character that way but honestly, she is just messed up in the head, so... Whatever.

“This is how the world works You gotta leave before you get left”

I mean... Shut up.

Don’t Blame Me

Haha, this one is for you Hansol and Chan-u. I just couldn’t think of anyone else though, it has something to do with the vibe of the song again... I mean, these two have a little trouble in the head mostly *read chihye hansol’s mom above rs* and well, dead parents... So, just a little bit of affection is enough to crack their heads, so, this is to those dark times.

“Don't blame me, love made me crazy If it doesn't, you ain't doin' it right Lord, save me, my drug is my baby I'll be usin' for the rest of my life”

Am I right? Wait up there is more:

“And baby, for you, I would fall from grace Just to touch your face If you walk away, I'd beg you on my knees to stay”

Okay, genius doesn’t say anything about this but since they both gay I’m taking the hint that “beg you on my knees” could be a reference to oral sex, k? Leave me alone to think about it.

“I get so high, oh! Every time you're, every time you're lovin' me You're lovin' me Trip of my life, oh! [...]”

The “so high”, oh jesus. Also the part when she says “I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy” sounds so much like a Hansol lyrics because he is always talking about flowers and relationships *see fresh roses*.

Delicate

Okay, hear me out... I never in a million years expected this ship that just came to my mind, like never and I listened to this song like a dozen times (actually 29 according to lastfm, but before i had a lastfm i would listen in youtube so... a dozen), but I just thought that the vibe and the lyrics... Sounds so much like Jinah and Bokyum. And what is shooking is that it’s also another total random ship... Ruy and Hai. Listen up:

“This ain't for the best My reputation's never been worse, so You must like me for me… We can't make Any promises now, can we, babe? But you can make me a drink”

First, for Jinah is totally about her reputation of being a prostitute ha, it’s like, she never really had a real relationship for real before Bokyum and she takes her time with her feelings after Jeju. And in the other hand, Ruy is just madly in love with Hai but he can’t bear to say it because it will scare him away so... Both delicate.

“Dive bar on the East Side, where you at? Phone lights up my nightstand in the black Come here, you can meet me in the back Dark jeans and your Nikes, look at you”

Starting with Jinah and Bokyum, in my mind when they first hooked up in Jeju they went to this lowkey bar by a corner next to the beach... And that’s when it all happened. But for the most part, this is straight-up Ruy and Hai’s relationship so it’s even sad to read it twice, jeez.

“Sometimes I wonder when you sleep Are you ever dreaming of me? Sometimes when I look into your eyes I pretend you're mine, all the damn time 'Cause I like you”

Yeah, this part is just straight up Ruy to Hai.

“Is it cool that I said all that? Is it chill that you're in my head? 'Cause I know that it's delicate (Delicate) (Yeah, I want you)”

Last one, read the genius: Taylor uses repetition and questions throughout the chorus to show how anxious she is at the beginning of this relationship. Getting romantically involved with someone can be tough because sometimes one may not know where the other stands, hence why Taylor describes this phase as “delicate.” So yeah.

Look What You Made Me Do

I can’t think of anyone else for this song other then Haneul, but as a joke not like a literal disses to someone other than herself, you know? Because no one of my characters literally changed so much because of something someone did to them, other than, well Chihye and Haneul... What a weird flex. But Haneul was more like “wide awake” than actual bad like Chihye, so it’s hard to tell. Yeah, I don’t know, don’t really have anything else for this song.

"I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now "Why? Oh, 'cause she's dead!" (Oh)

This is just definitely Haneul, because: I needed to grow up in many ways. I needed to make boundaries, to figure out what was mine and what was the public’s. That old version of me that shares unfailingly and unblinkingly with a world that is probably not fit to be shared with? I think that’s gone. But it was definitely just, like, a fun moment in the studio with me and Jack [Antonoff] where I wanted to play on the idea of a phone call.

So It Goes...

I don’t really like this song, so whatever. Can’t think of anyone for it.

Gorgeous

I just can’t this is literally the song that made Jinhyung and Kyungri, I die every time because there isn’t a lyric from this that is just not them.

“You should take it as a compliment That I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk You should think about the consequence Of your magnetic field being a little too strong”

I’m going to take reference from your own “type of girlfriend: Kyungri”, she literally takes pride into making fun of Jinhyung and it’s a good thing it means she is into him in a way she can’t explain. That’s literally how they happened.

“You make me so happy it turns back to sad There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have And you are so gorgeous it makes me so mad”

I listened to this song like thousand times just because of them at the time, which is funny ‘cause know sometimes we forgot who birthed the relationships for the new romantics... It’s only a few months old but whenever I think of them there is this sweet nostalgia, it’s really funny.

Getaway Car

This song is for both cheaters: Chihye and Julie. They are very much referenced in this album, but it’s not my fault Taylor Swift did a whole album about such screwed up love. This song became one of my favorites once I realized it’s about a love triangle, where is trying to get away from her past relationship to be with the guy she actually likes without cheating on him but inevitably doing it. Does it ring a bell yet?

“It was the best of times, the worst of crimes I struck a match and blew your mind But I didn't mean it And you didn’t see it [...] I wanted to leave him I needed a reason”

Talking about Chihye and Lian, all the time she was with Pyongho it was just because he was doing her a favor and she wanted someone to want her back. But when Lian came back, it was useless so she was just ready to leave everything behind and run away with him like it was meant to be. In the hand, Julie really cherished Kaili but her mind was somewhere else: her career and the fact that it wasn’t gonna last anyway, so she just needed a solid reason to leave him.

“It was the great escape, the prison break The light of freedom on my face But you weren't thinkin’ And I was just drinkin’ Well, he was runnin' after us, I was screamin’, "Go, go, go!" But with three of us, honey, it's a sideshow And a circus ain't a love story And now we're both sorry”

It’s funny because for me it begins talking about Chihye, Lian and Pyongho and ends up in Julie, Valak and Kaili.

“Until I switched to the other side To the other si-i-i-i-ide It's no surprise I turned you in (Oh-oh) 'Cause us traitors never win I'm in a getaway car I left you in a motel bar Put the money in a bag and I stole the keys That was the last time you ever saw me”

Now, this is just about Chihye to Lian when she finds out she pregnant of Pyongho, “us traitors never win”. So yeah, I really love this song because of it’s whole metaphor.

King Of My Heart

I had this idea that this song was Zeev and Eleanor, and don’t get me wrong it still is but right now it’s also Chang and Yehjin, a little bit. Seriously, I just know Eleanor calls Zeev things like “king of my heart” and she is totally into Taylor Swift, she is american and is from New Mexico, she might even listen to Taylor’s country albums.

“I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own I made up my mind, I'm better off bein' alone We met a few weeks ago Now you try on callin' me "Baby" like tryin' on clothes”

C’mon? I mean, it was totally like that how the chat went and their whole relationship... But this first part just also reminded me of Yehjin about Chang too, I don’t know, fight me.

“Salute to me, I'm your American queen And you move to me like I'm a Motown beat And we rule the kingdom inside my room 'Cause all the boys and their expensive cars With their Range Rovers and their Jaguars Never took me quite where you do”

IM YOUR AMERICAN QUEEN. Literally Eleanor, the fact that they had sex in like their second date and also how she never really had a boyfriend like Zeev before, who just drives her crazy by being so himself. And Yehjin mentioning she prefers Chang’s bike than the rich boys range rovers, haha.

“Late in the night, the city's asleep Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep Change my priorities The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury”

About Zeev being famous and Eleanor actually being into it because she literally just wants him to herself, “change my priorities”. And Yehjin, keeping a secret about Chang to her parents for I don’t even know how long...

Dancing With Our Hands Tied

Weird flex, okay? But my mind associated this first with Clay and Allen... Then it totally went to Linlin and Mingyu, I don’t know, something to do with the vibe. Oh, and Julie and Valak too, again, sorry.

"I, I loved you in secret First sight, yeah, we love without reason [...] My, my love had been frozen Deep blue, but you painted me golden”

It was the “love in secret” that connected these three couples in my mind, see? Here is genius about dancing with our hands tied: To have one’s hands tied is to have no control of a situation. While dancing is supposed to be a liberating form of self-expression, as well as a fun activity for friends and couples, here it represents the inability to keep their relationship away from the public eye. Taylor and her partner had their hands tied in that their relationship would eventually go public.

“And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis People started talking, putting us through our paces I knew there was no one in the world who could take it I had a bad feeling”

It’s weird because even if those three couples dated in secret, each one had a different way of coming out to the public. First, we have Clay and Allen that were “dating” in and off on the internet, until Allen moved and they actually went out but still people only found out when Clay left May-b, before I guess there was just rumors of Clay being gay or stuff like that. But Clay never really talked about relationships before leaving May-b and writing his own stuff, being his own artist. Linlin and Mingyu were this rollercoaster relationship that most people didn’t know of right at the beginning, and when they did there was always this vibe that it wasn’t going to last. And with Julie and Valak we know really well how this went, although both didn’t care much about it after it happened because it just weirdly made them be even more together.

Dress

Haha, who this? I mean it, seriously. It’s Hana and Mark, finally, one song of this album hits its peak by being theirs. But, not so fast I thought about Danbi and Daehyun too just right now. Let’s take a ride.

“All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation My hands are shaking from holding back from you All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting”

Both Hana and Danbi had big crushes from the start, both were stupid enough not to admit.

“Say my name and everything just stops I don't want you like a best friend Only bought this dress so you could take it off Carve your name into my bedpost”

Both are really furry in bed, both would totally buy a dress just to be taken off (Hana actually did and said it so). Also, both got in deep love really fast, Danbi and Daehyun even got married to prove their love, even if was later a mistake, but they meant every feeling they had. Hana, on the other hand, doesn’t ever regret how fast things happened with Mark, it was exactly how it was supposed to be.

“And I woke up just in time Now I wake up by your side My one and only, my lifeline I woke up just in time Now I wake up by your side My hands shake, I can't explain this”

Exactly what I said before *see above*.

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Another diss from Haneul. I’m kidding, ha. Also, this is Julie, 7sins and the whole drama. Also, Nayoung to the old crew with the nameless that she used to hang out with *see I Forgot That You Existed*.

Call It What You Want

Here is to another song of Eleanor and Zeev, a classic, one of the songs of them that are simply just them which makes me listen like a dozen times... However, just right now I thought about Minhye and Jukan too, it’s the vibe, listen:

“My baby's fit like a daydream Walking with his head down I'm the one he's walking to So call it what you want, yeah Call it what you want to My baby's fly like a jet stream High above the whole scene Loves me like I'm brand new ”

It’s so sweet, it’s like these two dorks really don’t care about Eleanor’s and Minhye’s screwed up past with love, you know? “loves me like i’m brand new”.

“And I know I make the same mistakes every time Bridges burn, I never learn At least I did one thing right I did one thing right I'm laughing with my lover, makin' forts under covers Trust him like a brother Yeah, you know I did one thing right Starry eyes sparkin' up my darkest night”

These two also really don’t care about the whole “keep a secret” kind of relationship, they respect their lovers because they made them better people. So they just do everything in their power to protect them just the same, even if it sounds cheesy and stupid of them, they just don’t care.

“I want to wear his initial on a chain 'round my neck Chain 'round my neck Not because he owns me But 'cause he really knows me Which is more than they can say, I I recall late November Holding my breath, slowly, I said "You don't need to save me But would you run away with me?" Yes”

This is also one of my favorite songs of this album, mainly because of this part. Like I said, both Eleanor and Minhye were screwed up’s, but with Zeev and Jukan they became better people not only to themselves but for them too... Like, for the future, you know?

Wait up, I just saw Nayoung and Keun in this song too. I hate myself.

New Year’s Day

Finally, the last one, this album is so long. This is Araki and Kayn, lol. And... Anna and Kuen. Because: The closing track on reputation uses a New Year’s party as a metaphor to discuss holding on to people and memories from both good and bad times. Taylor recognizes that when the ‘parties’ in her life are over and the ‘new year’ begins, such memories are all she will have left to hold on to and learn from. She relates a lasting love to someone who shares a midnight kiss with you on New Year’s, but who still stays with you the next morning for the aftermath of the party and begins the new year together with you.

“Don’t read the last page But I stay when you're lost, and I'm scared And you’re turning away I want your midnights But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day”

This is too sad, wait. But yeah, I can see both these ships.

“You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi I can tell that it's gonna be a long road I'll be there if you're the toast of the town, babe Or if you strike out and you're crawling home”

According to genius, squeezing someone’s hand three times means you love them or at least its like a “take care. You see, both ships here have a thing for leaving. I don’t know which road will Araki and Kayn take but this song reminds me of their relationship a lot, you know the whole after party thing? And to Anna and Kuen who had shared a long list of back and forth but that eventually got together for good after they realized they couldn’t be strangers to one another, which takes me to:

“Please don't ever become a stranger Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere Please don't ever become a stranger Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere”

So yeah, that’s the best way to end this album. With something good to think about.

[avatarxfrozen-blog]

Wind Beneath My Wings

Well, this is ridiculously fluffy. Inspired by Idina Menzel’s version of the song. All I can think of is these two whenever I hear it. I don’t usually include song lyrics, but for this one I just had to.

Anna was beyond happy to have Elsa back, she really was. It was like a huge hole in her heart had been filled. But she began to…notice things.

It was obvious that Elsa was born to be queen. She’d had years and years of training, even from the time they were just little. Their father had expected so much of Elsa, to the point their mother had to rein him in and remind him that Elsa was a child.

But on top of all that, Elsa just had the disposition. She was always more serious, quiet, disciplined (unless she was with Anna), whereas Anna was wild, and loud, and her attention span…about as long as her doll was tall. And she was reminded of that over the years. “Your Highness, you must focus. Your sister managed just fine,” or, “Princess Anna, you need to try harder. Princess Elsa mastered this quickly, you should be able to, too.”

Not the best for her self-esteem. She didn’t blame Elsa, of course. Elsa had never done anything to make her feel that way, and she doubted she even knew what people had said.

And that feeling was coming back, and fast. She stayed by her sister’s side as much as she could, but by doing so was reminded why people compared her to her. Elsa was so smart, she read through reports with ease that to Anna seemed to be gibberish. She could do math in her head, and she always looked so graceful and regal. But most of all, people respected her. They didn’t have the nerve to cross her and were quick to do her bidding. She was amazing and perfect and…

Anna just couldn’t compare.

Anna finally lost it one day during a council meeting she went to with Elsa. One of the councilmen, an older man who stuck to the old ways and as such thought Elsa was unfit to rule, was her target. He was one of the few that dared to openly argue with her. He also didn’t like Anna.

Anna finally got tired of listening to him argue with her sister so she snapped at him. Her smug satisfaction at seeing his surprise fell away when she saw Elsa’s glare. “Apologize,” she hissed at her under her breath. Barely holding back a moan, Anna did so, her hands clenched into fists at his smug smile.

After the meeting was over, Anna tried to escape, but her sister cleared her throat. This time she did groan and slumped back into her seat as everyone left. Elsa closed the doors after the first person left and turned on her. “Anna, what you did was incredibly rude. Why would you do something like that?”

“He was giving you a hard time!”

“And he’s going to make things more difficult for me now because of this!” She paused to take a calming breath when she saw a thin layer of ice on the floor. “You can’t disrespect them like that, no matter how angry they make you. You should know better.”

“You should know better,” her father said, disappointment in his voice. He shook his head. “Elsa never gave us this much trouble.” He turned and left, leaving Anna alone.

With that, the first of many tears ran down her cheek.

Angry tears burned her eyes as every insecurity, every painful memory, crashed onto her. “I’m sorry I can’t be as perfect as you,” she spat, then turned and ran, ignoring her sister’s shocked face.

She ran to her room, nearly blinded by tears, and slammed the door shut before falling onto her bed, hugging her pillow as it quickly grew damp with tears.

Not too long later, after she had somewhat calmed, she heard a knock on her door. “Anna?”

She turned her head away and ignored her.

She heard a soft sigh. “I’m coming in.” She heard near-silent footsteps then felt her sit beside her. “Anna, please look at me.” When she did, she saw her expression fall when she saw her tear-stained cheeks and red eyes. “Oh, Anna…” she laid a gentle hand on her back. “Sweetheart, what’s going on?”

Even now, the term of endearment still made her heart sing. But it was quickly crushed by her emotional pain. She shook her heard. “Don’t wanna talk,” she croaked.

Elsa sighed softly and began to lightly trace circles on her back. “It does no good to bottle up your feelings. Trust me. Please, talk to me. I can’t help you unless you tell me.”

Anna looked at her face, thinking how this was what she had wanted for years. Elsa beside her, comforting her, talking to her. She saw nothing but love and concern in those deep blue orbs. She shook her head. “It’s stupid,” she muttered.

“It’s not stupid if it makes you feel like this. Was it something I said?” And there it was, that guilt that Anna had been trying so hard to get her to let go of. She reached out and took her free hand, already yearning to make that guilt disappear; truthfully, it really wasn’t Elsa’s fault, she didn’t know. And Anna had kind of deserved it.

“Not really, no.”

“You hesitated.”

Anna rolled her eyes; she was reminded again how Elsa truly was Olaf’s creator. “No, I didn’t. It wasn’t your fault, Elsa. It’s just…” Tears stung her eyes. “I’ll never be as perfect as you.” She turned her head and buried it in her pillow as she tried not to sob.

“What?” It was so soft she almost missed it. “Anna, look at me please.”

Anna listened and sat up to face her, sniffling. Elsa reached and gently wiped the tears on her cheek.

“Now, why would you say that?”

“It’s true, though,” she mumbled miserably. “I’ll never be as good as you, or smart, or perfect…I’m just the useless spare.” She began to sob again, but was shocked out of it when Elsa raised her voice.

“Hey!” She looked at her in surprise to see anger written across her face. “You are not a spare. Where did you even hear that?”

Anna hesitated. “My, um…our tutors were very fond of reminding me-“

“What?!” She didn’t even get to finish before Elsa stood and began to pace in front of her, looking furious. “Who told you that? I swear, when I find them…”

Anna gulped and tried to reach out for her. “Elsa, it’s alright, they’re not worth it. I’m not worth all the trouble.”

Elsa stopped and glared at her, making her cringe back. Then it softened and was replaced with sadness. She sat back down by her and took her hand in both of hers. “Why do you think so little of yourself?” Her eyes glistened and her voice wavered slightly.

Anna dropped her gaze and shrugged. “They were right. I mean, look at me. I’m weird and loud, I can’t sit still and I’m clumsy. I’m not smart, I never could keep up with you. I’m just not enough.”

She was shocked when Elsa suddenly pulled her into a tight hug, and even more so to realize she was crying. “You are more than enough,” she whispered fiercely. “In fact, you are everything, my everything.” She pulled back, gently cradled her face and leaned her forehead against hers. “You’re everything I wish I could be.”

“Wait, what?” Anna was completely baffled, by her words, her emotional responses, everything.

Elsa smiled sadly and stroked her cheek. “Anna, you are so much more than what you say. You are smart, and so kind. Everyone loves you. They fear me.”

“Elsa-“

“Shush, let me finish. You are braver than I could ever be. You scaled a mountain in the middle of my winter to find me. And I’ve never seen someone so loyal. Even after all I did to you-“ she tried to swallow back her tears, “-you still followed me and defended me, still loved me. You sacrificed yourself for me.”

They sat in silence while Elsa leaned back and tried to compose herself. Anna was stunned, she couldn’t think straight. What she stammered out was not the emotional response she wanted to give. “W-Why are you crying?”

“Because it hurts me to see you think so little of yourself after all you’ve done, and all you’ve been through. Anna, you are my hero. And I am so, so proud of you.”

With that, her words hit full force and Anna broke down crying. She collapsed into her sister’s arms, clinging to her tightly while Elsa held her equally as tight, nuzzling her hair while she cried with her.

After some time, she adjusted them so they were laying down, though she didn’t release Anna. She stroked her hair and planted kisses on the top of her head. “I love you,” she cooed, then began to sing to her softly:

“It must have been cold there in my shadow,

to never have sunlight on your face.

You were content to let me shine.

You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,

while you were the one with all the strength.

A beautiful face without a name.

A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you’re my hero,

and everything I would like to be?

I can fly higher than an eagle,

‘cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,

but I’ve got it all here in my heart.

I want you to know I know the truth,

I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you’re my hero?

You’re everything I wish I could be.

I could fly higher than an eagle,

if you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you’re my hero?

You’re my everything, everything I wish I could be.

Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,

with you, you are the wind beneath my wings.”

Finally, with the soothing affect of her sister’s voice and steady heartbeat, Anna finally fell asleep, a tear on her cheek but a content smile on her face.

[paganchristian]

The last time we were at the park, I saw this feather on the ground.  I thought it was very beautiful and unique, and was going to pick it up when my daughter put her foot on it, as she was walking along.  And still, then, I picked it up and kept it.  Then a little while later on the trail, I heard the sound of what sounded like big birds, a high pitched call above, and I thought it sounded like the beautiful call of eagles.  I looked above and there were two eagles, flying, meeting, and it looked like they almost touched noses, before departing again, circling off in totally different directions.  I think they were golden eagles.  I tried to get their pictures, but just got one of them in the picture before it had flown away and didn’t come back over our trail.  When I got home later I looked up this feather and it turns out is a mourning dove feather.  

My daughter has always just been fascinated and loved doves, above most other birds, for some reason (it wasn’t because she was taught of their meaning of peace, because she only learned that later, and was surprised to learn of it).  And she seems to me to be signified with eagles, like before she was born, and I was in labor, walking at the park we saw a bald eagle, the first I’d ever seen in person, in nature.  Then after that, gradually over the years our area became more populated with eagles and I saw them on trips to Florida.  But at the time, it was totally shocking for me.  I had a number of dreams about eagles that seemed to be related to her too.  For whatever all that is worth, but still, it seems to me it could be significant to me, if I found some significance to it that felt useful for me, and all of this writing is just feeling things out.  Trying to find the thread of continuity and meaning that feels most applicable and most useful, for me, at this time.  Because, for example I could find so many many possible meanings in so many things, and when I was in the new age community and had friends that I talked to among people with those kinds of beliefs, I was oftentimes urged to consider this or that meaning and I was often judged and scorned if I didn’t consider certain meanings enough.  It became very burdensome and often not very fruitful to consider all the meanings they thought I should consider. 

Still, in other beliefs, the same generalized kind of tone applies.  People have all these judgments, these standards they hold up to others and if you do not consider those in the context of your problems, you are judged as wrong.  But each situation is different, and you can’t really understand the limits of another, their needs, their angle of interpretation, and so on.  You can’t know it all even if they try to describe.  So any time I use interpretations and symbols and intentions and resources to help me built up my faith, my direction, my steps I’m taking, I oftentimes leave behind many ideas, many ethical and moral standards and so on.  I can’t carry that much.  It’s too heavy, it’s too complex, and too unrealistic for my life and all its limits.  

Most often I just plant seeds, that hint of the possibilities and without even consciously identifying it, it feeds these insights and possibilities that I can feel but not articulate, much less plan, argue and analyze them all.  It’s like dreams, and how they give us all this symbolic information and guidance sometimes, but I don’t think we have to always pick apart and be so intentful about all the meanings.  Sometimes it speaks to us without us having or needing to look directly at it at all.  Sometimes looking at it head-on would only derail us.  

But when I think about the eagle, and the dove feather...  mourning dove.  And I think of how, on that day I was pondering how I feel so misunderstood, held up to some kind of high standard of rules and I feel that others’ in religious groups often don’t understand how I can’t meet these standards, and how I can still be valid without meeting up to those standards, and how maybe what I give is as good or better, even if I fall miserably short in their eyes, and even if they could think I am going to Hell,... all that was on my mind while I saw these things, so roiling inside of my mind, and my heart was so frothing with distress and confusion, and I felt like the feather and the eagles meant something.  Eagles are ones who cant see from a much higher perspective.  Doves are creatures symbolic of peace, and the mourning dove, of mourning.  I feel that peace, a higher perspective, and mourning, for my own suffering and my own entrapped reality, and for others and their inability to see and understand, it can lead to peace.  I picked up this feather and I put it in a book, a religious book, which I was carrying with me on the trail (as I read when I get the impulse sometimes and I use books to press on as I write in my endless and flimsy paper handmade journals).  

I feel that I’m supposed to make peace and see from a higher perspective what others cannot necessarily see.  Even the fact that the eagles met, then turned away again from each other, that might mean something symbolic.  The fact they were golden eagles and not bald eagles might mean something, I don’t know.  Golden eagles are bigger, and more revered among Native tribes.  I thought maybe is there a bible verse about eagles and doves?  And then I thought wait, no I think I’m remembering a lyric from a song, “Love the One You’re With” by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young (My oldies music again, makes me feel out of synch with most people even those of “my age”, and I’m not so young, anymore, but whatever, “The eagle flies with the dove and if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with”).  Lol  Well, love the one I’m with.  I’m “with” the world, the world is with me.  I’m with my family, my husband, and every other person who is in my life that I feel distant, and misunderstood.  The path of peace and mourning and higher perspective might help me with all that, because it will let me sacrifice and make the best of it all, for the greater good, of us all, and our limits, and working together in spite of our weaknesses, failings and our inability to even understand or see or respect each other, if it has to be that way.  Maybe sometimes it does.  Somehow weird as it could sound it felt like a breakthrough to me.  In some small way.  Or maybe.  

I feel like I’m making peace with all the contradictions, lack and flaws and failings of religions and other people.  That is not to say necessarily I will always remain in their framework, or the framework of the church or of my family, etc, because I might find that I have grown someday, so much, that I don’t feel I need or ought to be confined into their ways of doing things or seeing things, don’t need anymore to lean on their practicalities and their limits, their impatience and roughness and their impatience with my fragility and being outside the rules and being an exception to the rules.  Maybe oftentimes it is that if we are finally to make peace with things then we are allowed to overcome them.  It’s like we must love, accept and embrace, sacrifice for them and then we are allowed to grow beyond them. Maybe other times we have to stay with them and just “love the one we’re with” and the cross we bear is a kind of grace, to help tame our egos, our flaws, our blind spots, to help be a light in a world so dark and flawed.  

I know this has grown so rambly but that is how I write, and feels it’s needed to even start to get to the root of things sometimes.  Only after layers of spiraling thoughts repeating the spiral again and again ,it looks so repetitive but I see new insights with each repetitive layer and my bad memory needs to be repeated things to, so it will finally remember a little bit, now and then, at least. So I guess a lot of this blog is just like a journal to me, and it’s a little embarrassing, poorly written, repetitive, probably hard to read at times or often.  But it serves its purpose for me which is like a kind of therapy where I get to feel I’m allowed to speak and matter in the world of other people.  

Whenever you put something in the public sphere it’s kind of like saying to oneself, hey, this matters, this doesn’t have to be hidden from other people, and even if no one else even reads it, it’s like you’re saying, this is valid enough to be spoken in public, so there.  And that feels like something I need sometimes when I really am able to realize things much better if I talk them out with another person, oftentimes.  It’s very common for people to need to talk things out in order to “hear themselves think” and even realize and stumble on the truth that lies hidden inside themselves.  

For some reason if they can’t talk it out it often just doesn’t even get thought or known and it festers, repressed.  But public journaling works well sometimes for me, to a similar end.  It sometimes does.  Sometimes it works better than talking, because I don’t have to sort through any responses that people might give and think of how I can respond to them, because often even if they do understand and are nice, my social brain doesn’t seem to work right and I can find it very difficult to think of what to say in return to them.  And if they give advice or comments that don’t seem to understand and be relatable to me, it’s very much harder then).  But often what people need is someone who will simply listen, and for some reason having someone to listen makes them able to say what they couldn’t articulate on their own, in their own mind.  And journaling in public has a similar effect on me. 

I cultivated that ability over years, when I used to write a blog in a community online and it was just like a personal journal, kind of like this one is, but I would get comments from other people there, occasionally and I could see that a few people were reading my posts, because there was a post count.  And sometimes people really understood me a lot, and it all helped me feel listened to, even if I never knew how much people really cared or understood, and then from there after years being on there, I went to other site and started blogging, even though on some of them, I doubted whether anyone read what I wrote, but I gave a link to people that could find my blog.  Then I got brave enough, like on this blog here, to just start up a new blog, which wasn’t given to anyone, or linked anywhere else, that people might notice and look, and to still realize that someone out there might find it, might read it, and might care and it has been enough, so far, to help facilitate the therapeutic journaling out loud kind of thing that I’ve been doing here. 

Really in many ways I’m glad it’s not attached to any one group or community, not attached to any belief or value system, because then I don’t have to fit any group’s norms and judgments.  And I always felt like my energy was dragged down, at times, with people who read what I wrote.  Their worries, their anger, their judgments and their assumptions about me, about what I needed to do, or if I was somehow seen as wrong in their eyes.  

Some of those people were very much overly involved in others’ lives, and trying to save people, when they didn’t know what the other person needed and this didn’t even stop at the normal, walking and reaching out, in real life, but extended into psychic, astral intrusions, intentional psychic energy work they did to try to affect others.  What’s more they would also get very funny about “energy”, and “bad vibes” and become angry about other people they thought were connecting to their energy, even people who were not even talking or interacting with them, but they felt that they had developed psychic energy cords with the other person, the person was latched onto them, with a psychic energy cord, and they thought that the other person was siphoning and contaminating their energy, so to speak, ...  

And so I do believe in energy and I think some of these people dragged me down and tangled me up in this weird energetic mess with their fixations, judgments, and reactions towards me. While I do believe in something like psychic cords, and good and bad vibes, to a degree, I don’t feel nearly so fixated on others in this victim mentality of needing to fix others and feeling always angry and upset that others are “messing up my good vibes”, or whatever.  I need to get away from those whose reactions to me create a self-fulfilling prophecy of tangled negative energy where if they would just stop fixating, fearing and assuming about me, our energy would remain separate, healthy, not tangled up into an emotional mess of psychic confusion and delusion.

[shakeitoffs]

i know this is kinda cheesy but in honor of miss reputation releasing today i have been listening to taylor’s old albums and it got me thinking of how each album makes me feel something completely different. they each take me back to a different time in my life and in different ways make me feel something unique so i wanted to share that !!! (also my apologies but this is about to be SO long)

debut album: the first song i heard of taylor’s was our song. i was around 11 years old during this era. taylor quickly became an artist that i really loved. at this time of my life really the only way i listened to music was through the radio. i never asked to buy the album because we didn’t have a lot of money, so i didn’t own this album until years later. but that in no way changed my love for taylor because i didn’t know any different. the two main resources that i had to listen to her was the radio and television (country music awards and on demand where i could watch her music videos and performances). listening to this album now takes me back to the times when i would listen to the country radio with my grandpa almost every day after school. i would sit in the garage with my grandpa, do my homework, and just listen to the radio with him. and when taylor came on i was extra happy. the album also makes me think of all the award shows i stayed up late to watch. my whole family would cheer when taylor would win and scream from different rooms “ANTHONY, SHE WON!” and that was just pure joy for me. overall... listening to the debut album now takes me back to a much simpler time. no social media to endlessly talk about taylor on, i didn’t really have any people in my life that actually loved her the way i did. at the end of the day, it was always just taylor and me. she started to become a constant positive part of my life and whenever i listen to the debut album it takes me back to those memories.

fearless: listening to fearless now always takes me back to one point in my life specifically. as i said before, buying albums was not something we could spend money on really, so i also did not own fearless until a few years later when i had money of my own. but unlike the debut, i actually had access to the physical album. every weekend my family would go over to our neighbors house where my best friend lived. i remember the first time i noticed that my friend’s dad had the album and after that i always wanted to listen to it. every time that we would go over there i would beg my friend and my brother to listen to it because eventually they got sick of it (and me tbh). i remember playing it on the stereo and laying on the carpet in pure joy and amazement, i remember playing it in my friend’s room and dancing to it. i remember listening to songs like fifteen and hey stephen and just being so entranced by taylor. i associate that album so much with those specific times that i had access to it. this was also a time where she started to get more popular and by default i got to see her more on tv and hear her more on the radio. listening to the album also takes me back to watching the music videos for you belong with me and love story all the time on my tv (idk if y’all had this but there was like a section in on demand that had countless of music videos. it was amazing.) i often forget about the times when i would sit in my friends house and just listen to this album, but those moments are now so special to me. i would listen to this album and just forget about all my worries (i know that sounds dramatic but i was a stressed 12/13 year old). this album still makes me feel carefree, like i can conquer anything... and...... FEARLESS .!!!!!

speak now: speak now is such a special album for me. i’m pretty sure i got the physical album for christmas. FINALLY the first taylor album i actually owned and could listen to whenever i wanted. i remember listening to it on repeat forever. i associate it now with one memory of me playing it in my dad’s room on his stereo and jumping/dancing on the bed by myself. i was so happy to have it and i think this album will always make me the happiest. there’s not much to say other than listening to this album made me so so happy. i think this era was ~officially~ when i took my love of taylor to the next level. i constantly was asking to see her on tour and was so sad when the show came to my city and i couldn’t go because we couldn’t afford it :( but when i heard that the speak now tour live cd/dvd was coming out.... i was SO unbelievably excited because it was the next best thing to actually being there. i waited and i saved my money and my dad drove me to best buy the morning of its release to buy it. i was the first one there and they hadn’t even put it on display yet. this album (and specifically the live album) was out at a time when i was leaving my childhood home, and i know it sounds dramatic but taylor was.... she was always there and her music made me feel like home. she was my home. during this era was also the very first time i made a friend who also loved taylor. we bonded so much over her and she was the one that got me to make this tumblr in the beginning of 2012. so speak now will always be a special, impactful, and BEAUTIFUL album to me and each time i listen to it i can’t help but be happy.

red: i was on tumblr for the entirety of red’s creation, from the first facebook post, to the livestream, to the release, i was here with so many different people from around the world who loved her as much as i did. i finally was with people who understood the love i had for taylor!!! and it felt SO nice because before that i didn’t have anyone to share it with. the night of red’s release, i skyped with my friend and we listened to the album together. it was so different but it was so beautiful. listening to the album now, i think it most represents my ideal taste in music (acoustic/powerful songs with meaningful lyrics), songs like state of grace, holy ground, treacherous, all too well, those songs are still some of my favorite after 5 years. i also associate the red album with seeing taylor for the very first time live. i got to see her perform live at the ellen studios a few days before red was released AND i got to see her on tour for the very first time. for me, this album really puts both taylor’s and my own growth in perspective. i was just a child listening to her songs on the radio and now i was a 16/17 year old in high school seeing her live with someone who is still to this day one of my best friends all because of taylor. and also just the album is........ SOME OF HER BEST WORK IF YOU ASK ME!!!!! it also reminds me of autumn too which is a given

1989: (buckle in boys this one is about to be real dramatic and deep) there are so many things i could say about the 1989 album/era. the bops, taylor joining tumblr, me meeting her, seeing her live, meeting people from online who are now some of my closest friends, etc. but before a lot of that happened, the album was released. in the fall of 2014 i started my very first year of college far away from my home. that also happened to be the time 1989 was released. for me, whenever i listen to this album now it takes me back so clearly to that time of my life. i was severely depressed and always anxious and dealing with a lot of different things that were bigger than myself (that i’ve talked about before but won’t get into detail now). but the one thing that always remained a constant throughout my life was taylor, and now was no different. i could always find comfort in her music. whether that comfort was happiness or sadness, i could always turn to her. and 1989 was the album that i turned to most during this time of my life. listening to this album in full now is .... almost hard for me because it takes me back to 2014, which is not something i want to relive, but listening to this music takes me back. but when i really start to think, instead of letting it make me sad, it shows me how much i’ve grown just from that point in my life. it shows me how grateful i am to be alive, and how strong i am. it reminds me of everything that i have survived and overcome and conquered and am still trying to conquer. it’s kind of weird because these songs have such a specific and different meaning for me than to anyone else that will listen to them. i played the album this morning and almost cried at the start of welcome to new york because of the memories it brought back. overall, this album puts me back right where i was in fall/winter of 2014. it makes me sad and happy at the same time. i listen to shake it off and at first it reminds me of where i used to be which almost brings me to tears (which is ironic because shake it off is such a happy song). i would listen to shake it off on repeat whenever i felt down (which was a lot) until i felt better. so it makes me sad, but at the same time, it makes me happy, because it’s such a happy song and i am reminded of all the times it made me feel a little bit better and all the strength i have and the things i’ve overcome and how fun life can be. and then you have clean which is a song that actually relates so well to my situation. and i have cried so many times because of that song. but overall, 1989 as an album will always hold a special place in my heart, not so much because of the music itself, but because of what it makes me feel.

[birdsgoflying]

Letting Go Ch.3 Behind-the-Scenes

Here is my behind-the-scenes analysis of chapter three of my fic, Letting Go!

Link to chapter three: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11512686/chapters/26083806

Links to previous behind-the-scenes posts:

Chapter 1: https://birdsgoflying.tumblr.com/post/165566140213/letting-go-ch-1-behind-the-scenes

Chapter 2: https://birdsgoflying.tumblr.com/post/165600823428/letting-go-ch2-behind-the-scenes

CHAPTER THREE:

Wally had never really believed in the afterlife. He thought he would die, and poof, fade to black. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. It’s over. Your consciousness just dissolves away and that’s that. No more Wallace Rudolph West.

But, here he is. Wallace Rudolph West, still existing. … He is literally stuck in this weird swirly orange-ness, and he’s pretty sure he’s still literally dead, but he’s still conscious.

He isn’t entirely sure what he’s supposed to do with that.

He doesn’t know where his body is, and he doesn’t know if that means his consciousness had been separated from it at some point during the dying process, or what. He briefly runs through the implications of a separation between body and mind (So I’m dead but conscious, and that would make me a zombie – way cool – except that I don’t have a body. So does that mean I’m a ghost? Can I haunt people? Cuz I can think of a few amazing pranks to use on Hal…) before giving up. He’s tired. He feels like he has been running for years.

All of Wally’s parts are such incredibly fucking fun for me to write. I wanted to showcase their personalities by changing the “voice” that I used when writing their respective parts, so I wrote Dick’s and Wally’s parts slightly differently. Dick and Wally both use humor to cope, but Wally is more flippant - even when referencing his own death, he cracks jokes about it. Dick is definitely the pun lord and eternal jokester in canon, but I figured that he would be a little more closed off given the circumstances.

  Dick purposely chose Metropolis as his new dwelling place – the last place he would ever otherwise choose to go – and traveled there by a series of cabs and trains rather than an easily-traceable Zeta tube.

 I legitimately don’t know why I chose Metropolis. I wish I could say that it was a purposeful choice because Metropolis is canonically near Gotham City on the map, or that it is meaningful because it’s where his idol (Superman) lives and he was subconsciously drawn to it, but I honestly don’t have a good answer for why I chose it. I just did.

  When he woke up the next morning, Daniel was nowhere to be found, but he noticed a neat pile of hundred dollar bills on his bedside table.

 This chapter contains the transition from ‘drunk runaway Dick Grayson’ to ‘actual prostitute Dick Grayson’. I have to be honest, I knew that it’s where I wanted this story to go, but I struggled in figuring out how to get from point A to point B. I always try to frame the characters’ decisions in a way that makes sense given their situation and personalities, and it took me a while to figure this one out. Dick wouldn’t just throw himself into being a prostitute without preamble, no matter how drunk he was. That’s why I made the decision to have him mistake a request for sex for pay, as a date; it just kinda… happened to him, and he went with it because he was drunk and bored and it ended up picking up steam until, before he knew it, he was a full-time prostitute.

  If his first mistake was leaving the team, his second mistake was staying with Artemis for as long as he had.

 I knew I had to have Wally moving on from Artemis fairly early in the fic, or it would not have been believable for him to fall in love with Dick – which, as Birdflash is endgame, is obviously the goal.

  When Wally really focuses his thoughts and searches the orange swirling orb around him, he can see flashes of his friends and family’s lives as they carry on without him.

 I wanted to show Wally struggling with not being able to help his friends and family move on after his death. I based his reactions largely on the lyrics from the Coldplay song ‘The Hardest Part’ – “The hardest part/ Was letting go, not taking part”. Those lyrics are so beautiful, and it’s a perfect way to describe how he feels. He’s not the type of guy to sit still when someone else is hurting, and he’s forced to do just that as he watches his friends and family mourn over him. It’s torture for him, honestly.

  And some time later, when he peers through the orange swirl and sees Artemis kissing Kaldur, he can honestly say he’s relieved.

 I knew from the very beginning that this is the direction I wanted to go with Kaldur and Artemis. They have a lot in common now, since Kaldur lost Tula and Artemis lost Wally. They have complementary personalities - Artemis is brash and upfront and unrefined, and Kaldur is polished and reserved and soft-spoken. I think they would be quite fantastic together; they’d balance each other out and cover each other’s weaknesses.

Now, here’s the thing. Birdflash is obviously endgame, but part of writing a good fic is arranging the plot in such a way that it makes the character’s actions believable and in-character.

Artemis moving on is very believable. She is not the type of person to get stuck after experiencing loss. She has a sensitive side, but she’s also tough as nails after all of the shitty stuff she’s had to deal with in her life. She picks herself up and moves on. She even said at the end of season two that she took up a new identity as Tigress because Artemis was Kid Flash’s partner and she wanted to distance herself.

HOWEVER - Wally moving on easily would not be quite as believable. Even though their relationship was clearly a mess towards the end - speaking strictly from the source material, there were several moments in season two where I felt as if Wally and Artemis had a strained conversation that pointed towards problems – Wally is a loyal guy, and he has five years (!!!!) invested with Artemis. I don’t think he would have moved on easily, and when he finally did, he would have felt a deep sense of guilt over it. If Artemis is romantically available when Wally comes back, even if Wally admits to himself that he is in love with Dick and not with Artemis, it would have create a lot of tension within the Dick-Artemis-Wally dynamic because Wally would know that everyone would expect him to get back together with Artemis. Wally would expect Artemis to want it, too. And not only that, but Artemis would be expected by everyone else to want it. It would cause a hugely awkward situation that, frankly, I didn’t want to deal with later on. It would cause a lot of drama, and I didn’t want THAT kind of drama in my fic. I want the potential reunion to be happy, not strained.

And it sounds terrible, but hear me out – in order to achieve all of this, I needed Artemis out of the way. I wanted her unavailable when Wally comes back, because otherwise, Dick would not feel okay about pursuing Wally and it would be unrealistic to expect Wally to move on from her if she was still available; he would go back to her out of guilt or habit or caving to what everyone else expected of him, if nothing else. And honestly? In order for my desired outcome (Birdflash) to happen, Artemis can’t be a viable romantic partner for Wally anymore. Artemis has to get with someone else in a permanent kind of way (more on that in a later chapter). Kaldur was the obvious choice, because I honestly SHIP IT SO HARD YOU GUYS they would be so damn cute together, such a power couple, and they would have the cutest babies that have ever graced this planet.

…So, yeah. I had to have the moving-on process happen early. One of the most important parts of writing this love story is that I wanted Wally to move on from Artemis completely independently of falling in love with Dick.

 If we’re talking about a character being emotionally/romantically available, I wanted both Dick and Wally to be available by the time the reunion happens. I didn’t want Wally to ever feel as if he had to choose between the two of them. No fucking love triangles, thank-you very much. This isn’t that type of angst fic.

My honest opinion on love triangles is this: it’s overused. It’s boring. There is virtually no way to make it feel creative and original to the audience. It’s cheap angst purely for the sake of creating emotional pull. It’s lazy. There are so many better ways to create emotional pull. It’s a trope, and not even a good one. Whenever I see a love triangle in a story, it just feels so fabricated and pointless. I’ve literally never seen it happen in a way that felt refreshing and original. From the point of view of creating a rich and meaningful story with mature themes and believable character development arcs, it just doesn’t make sense to me. It just feels like the equivalent of junior high cafeteria drama.

But at the same time, I have to be true to what the characters would be feeling at the time; I can’t just make Wally magically get over spending five years with her, and have him fall in love with Dick the next day. I have to allow him time to let go of his previous relationship, but I didn’t want him to do that because of Dick. I wanted him to do it because he realizes that he shouldn’t have been in the relationship for as long as he was in the first place. So, to avoid that cheap drama pitfall, I decided to show the moving on process early in the fic.

(Sorry if any of you actually like the love triangle trope. I have a deep love for many tropes that most people would consider lame – fake relationship or accidental marriage, anyone? – so I really have no place to judge. I just really hate that trope.)

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

Leaving Things Unsaid

My very first AO3 fic seems like it was never crossposted here...until now! Two short chapters, super fluffy, a plot bunny drawn from song lyrics and the idea that a pre-series fling could explain the Josh/Donna dynamic.

Chapter 1: Lean In Close and Don't Let Go

This was so, so stupid.

His hands were everywhere, and she was trying--but failing--to be quiet. It was his hotel room, and they had thin walls between them and the others. She would regret this tomorrow.

Would he regret this tomorrow?

"You work for me," he murmured in a moment of clarity. She was already shirtless, rolling her eyes at him. He was the one who started it, she thought, staring at her from across the office like he couldn't look away. Like he'd been waiting for her.

He was the one who invited her to join them for drinks. She felt awkward. She was new. But they were all so welcoming, and she wasn't the one who got handsy after two beers and needed help getting back upstairs. His friends had made sympathetic faces in her direction, as if they could already tell she would feel responsible for him. Would take him on, because he needed her, even if she couldn't explain why this was so clear on the very first day. She couldn't explain why it was so appealing, either.

"Only technically," she replied, brought back to the moment by his teeth on her neck. Gently, because he was cautious. "I haven't even gotten on payroll yet."

"Good point." He smiled at her as they moved to the bed, suddenly direct as he ran a hand up her calf. "You have the longest legs I think I've ever seen."

"Please don't say I must have been a dancer. That's such a terrible line."

"Well, now I won't."

She tugged him up towards her, tangled her fingers in his hair. How would she be able to work beside him now, after this? It didn't mean anything, really. Nothing more than the fact that they were both a little drunk, and really curious. But it had to change things.

Didn't it?

"So were you athletic then?" he asked suddenly as they were shifting positions. "You really do have a certain kind of...grace."

"No, not really athletic," she replied, arching a little so he could tug down her slacks. They didn't fit quite right, a rushed purchase right after she was hired. "I did twelve years of dance."

He chuckled into her collarbone, sending shivers all the way down to her toes. "So you were a dancer."

"Yeah, but that doesn't make the line any less lame."

"It's not a line if it's true," he argued as she tossed his shirt to the floor. She was already unbuttoning his jeans when it landed.

"It is, actually, because you can't know if it's true until you try it, which is what makes it a line. I--" The rest of her words caught in her throat as he slid his hands up her stomach, toward the front-clasp of her bra.

"You're beautiful," he said quietly, and she rolled her eyes again at the man who had hired her and seduced her on the same day.

"Please, just tell me you're not completely drunk. I can't be the only one who remembers this in the morning. Talk about awkward."

He leaned into her, until they were almost nose to nose, and smiled. It was a slow smile, building until it reached pure wickedness. It surprised her. "I'm not drunk at all," he replied.

His voice was steady, and she met his gaze until she found what she was looking for. There it was, that "where have you been all my life?" look. Like a deer caught in headlights and happy about it.

She realized he was right. He wasn't drunk, just stupid, like her. For the first time, she closed the distance to meet his lips with hers, and decided to worry about it tomorrow.

Chapter 2: The Words, They're Everything and Nothing

When she woke up the next morning, Josh was already awake and dressing cautiously on his side of the bed.

"It's alright," Donna told him blearily. "I'm up."

"Sorry," he replied, turning around. "I tried to be careful."

"It's okay, Josh." She tried to add reassurance to her smile. In the sober morning light he seemed awkward in his own skin again. She might have worried that it had something to do with her, except that he'd been like that with his friends at the bar too. After one day she already knew that it was just his nature; he wore his anxiety like a hand-me-down suit, leaving him permanently tense and rumpled.

It was pretty cute, actually.

He rose from the bed to make coffee. Buttoning her blouse, Donna was barely able to hear him over the burbling of the coffeemaker and the aging radiator's hiss when he spoke.

"It can't happen again," Josh said. Her fingers froze on the second button. All of her froze at that moment, actually. She wasn't sure she could feel her toes anymore.

"I know," she replied. He glanced over his shoulder and frowned at her back. Without being able to see her face, he worried that maybe he'd hurt her feelings. She had to know it would be inappropriate, right? He wasn't being unreasonable.

Finally he left the coffee brewing and crossed the room to face her. She seemed fine, but he didn't know what kind of poker face she possessed.

As Donna tugged her slacks on, she tilted her face up to his curiously. "What?"

"Nothing." Josh looked down at the carpet, then away over her left shoulder. He was practically vibrating with nerves, so she took pity on him.

"Come on, Josh. It's not like I thought this was anything more than what it was."

"Okay," he agreed, his tone wary. "So, when we leave this room..."

"When we leave this room, we go back to work. Y'know, getting a new leader of the free world elected? I'll answer the phones and file papers, and you'll..." She trailed off, staring at him. "I don't actually know what it is you do right now. You'll go back to making jokes and swaggering around the office."

"I don't swagger!"

"One, yes you do. And two, funny how you object to that part and not my assessment of your job performance."

Josh shrugged. "I'm a mystery."

"Maybe to some," Donna said with a smile, "but I figured you out before we even met."

"What, do you have special powers now?"

"Special powers of reading? Sure." She smirked. "I was the one organizing your desk for two hours before you hired me, remember? You have very telling penmanship."

"I barely have penmanship," he argued.

"Exactly." Smoothing a hand down her hair, Donna swallowed a yawn. "Can I borrow your toothbrush?"

"Sure." He sat on the bed in the spot she had vacated and wondered why her casual acceptance bothered him so much.

"You don't think it'll be weird?" He called out to her from where he sat.

"No," came the muffled reply. "I'm already using it."

"Not my toothbrush, the--" He stopped shouting when she reappeared. "The fact that this happened, and now we'll be around each other all the time. You left the water running," he added as she approached him.

"It doesn't have to be weird if we don't let it be," she told him seriously. "It might even help."

"How?"

"I'm your assistant," she reminded him. "And it's a crazy campaign. You might need me to fetch your clothes or order your food or, I don't know, style your hair."

He raised his eyebrows. "I'm never going to need you for that last one."

"Well, I couldn't think of a third thing. My point is, it's close quarters around here and it'll certainly save time and trouble if you're comfortable changing in front of me or letting me into your room."

"You're right," he mused. "You should also probably know how I take my coffee. Since I just brewed a pot, how about you practice now, actually? Cream, no sugar." His best attempt at a winning smile seemed to have no effect on her.

"I'm not going to fetch your coffee, Josh." She swatted him lightly on the ear.

"But that's like job number one of assistanting."

"In the 1950s, maybe," she countered. "But it's 1998 and that particular duty is no longer in the Assistant's handbook. Ask your girlfriends to bring you coffee."

"My future hypothetical girlfriends?"

"Yep." Donna poured her own coffee and sipped it with a smile, watching as he pouted and doctored his own.

"Not even on special occasions?"

"Never."

"What if there's a National Coffee Day? C'mon, you'd have to bring me coffee on National Coffee Day."

She eyed him suspiciously. "There's already a National Coffee Day, isn't there? This is a trick question."

Josh raised his hands in defense. "Not that I'm aware of. There is not. But when Governor Bartlet becomes President Barlet, maybe he'll proclaim one."

He raised his eyebrows at her, looking as hopeful as a little boy on Christmas Eve, and she relented.

"Fine. If someday you proclaim a National Coffee Day, I will bring you coffee in honor of the holiday."

Frowning, he returned to sitting on the bed. "I won't be able to proclaim anything, Donna. Only Presidents can..." He trailed off, narrowing his eyes in acknowledgement. "I see what you did there."

"Mm-hmm." She busied herself with tossing out the used creamer cups while he thought it over.

"So you're saying that the only way you'll ever bring me coffee, even though you're my assistant, is if I become the President of the United States and then create a coffee holiday."

"That's right."

"But if I become President, I'll have a handful of other staff who could bring me coffee whenever I wanted."

"So?" She took the chair across the room from where he sat, watching his face.

"So...never. You're saying you'll never bring me coffee."

"Now you're getting it."

"Well...okay."

Josh's brow furrowed in confusion as she began removing her blouse again. When she shimmied back out of her slacks, he had to close his mouth and swallow before speaking.

"What...what's happening now?"

Her smile was a beguiling cross between bashful and seductive. "What do you want to happen now?"

Shaking his head, he tried to remember the problem with this scenario. "We agreed--"

Donna cut him off, rising from her seat to cross to him. "We agreed that we need to have a strictly professional relationship as soon as we leave this room. Have we left the room yet?"

His grin spread slowly, changing the contours of his face. "A loophole. I like it."

She reached up to smooth her hand across his forehead. "I like the crease you get right here when I confuse you."

"Well, that's good," he replied, rolling his eyes as he led the way back to the rumpled hotel bed. "Because I think you're going to be seeing it a lot."