#is she wrong tho? none of this would have happened if bella was not like this™ vkdfjnvkgdjnvkgjfndk

[pedro-pascal]

"All I can hear right now when I'm trying to just press rewind is just 'Bella'. Everyone just referring constantly to her, even if she's not in the scene..."

[mallowstep]

For the love of god, please consider renaming some cats, I've seen names like

"One-Eye, Halftail, Oddfoot, FLIPCLAW (what kind of prefix is 'Flip'?) Twigbranch, Clawface etc. Don't get me started on those atrocious SkyClan names with KITTYPET PREFIXES

Harrybrook, Snookthorn, Rileypool

Like tf?

so i'm going to start with saying! as a general rule, i love these names. i will address them each in turn, but i don't have a problem with warriors having "bad names," i have a problem with names that don't make sense given their context.

it does not make sense for blackfoot to be named blackkit, when he's mostly white. (and, as a colorpoint cat, i assume, would be born entirely white.) etc.

but i have no problem with bellaleaf, because well, yeah! makes sense to me.

after all, leaf was named leafdapple, why shouldn't bella be named bellaleaf.

i'm going to discuss each name you brought up in turn, and then, under the cut, i'm going to ramble about naming philosphies.

one-eye: i'm fine with this. i don't mind cats being named after their disabilities, not when it's an established part of warriors culture. (even if it doesn't happen anymore because people would be pissed about it.) i don't know if i think it's right, or if i think cats would have a problem with it, but i think it's good. i'd like to think most cats wouldn't have a problem with it, though. that said, for one-eye in particular, her name was already white-eye, so it feels redundant. food for thought, i suppose.

halftail: i'm not okay with this, because he lost...half his tail? trust me, as someone who had a cat with half a tail, you don't notice it. doesn't make sense. he can keep sparrowpelt, altho tbh i almost always forget about him.

oddfoot: oops i forget him initially! i actually assumed he was named odd because of numbers or something, but apparently it’s a deadfoot situation. we don’t know his kit name, so i’ll assume he was named as either an apprentice or a warrior to fit. it wouldn’t make sense for him to just have the prefix odd, and i’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he didn’t. if he did, however, i would have a problem with it because that makes his name a compound name, not because his leader renamed him.

flipclaw: i don't have a problem with it. what kind of name is flipkit? the kind of name a mother would give who looks a lot like the cat who traumatized her, i think. more importantly, i think it's cute! doesn't bother me. would i name an oc flipkit? probably not, but that's just me.

twigbranch: oh no i love her name. i love it! it's so cute. it means something, too! it has meaning. nope. no one is taking twigbranch away from me. i love it.

clawface: mixed. i don't really have a problem with a cat being named clawkit, but it feels...violent. shrug. i don't like it, but like, i also don't like sandynose.

and i won't directly address skyclan because uh i already stated my thoughts on them.

skyclan in particular, tho, it actually makes a lot of sense for their names to be like that. there is no reason to apply any clan norms to skyclan names.

i really hope they keep their names, too. tradition and legacy of names is important to them (pebbleshine and violetshine for the most direct example, but it's everywhere), and i want that to stay. i love that leafstar named her kit harrykit. never change skyclan.

as always, i want to say that i do not have a problem with anyone's methodology of naming cats. i do not care. i support every single name in existence (barring certain combinations of color and "-face," and anything in that vein), and i do not want to come across as telling you what you should do.

that includes you, anon! i do not think you should listen to me when i say i like these names. i think you should rename them whatever you want. (i strongly suggest reconsidering skyclan renames, tho. there's established reasons in canon for them to have those names, and i think it's a cool cultural thing worth exploring. i keep meaning to write a funny lil one-shot about it.)

but you know! if you want to rename them, go for it! i support you!

that said, here is what i think (and i am not an authority on this in any way, shape, or form) about names:

i've written extensively about naming traditions in the clans. if you want to read that, "names. leaders. meaning" and "names part two" are where i recommend you look. (note: first link is to my main, before i migrated warriors content here.)

i'm not going to go over any of that in detail, because well, i'd rather talk about something new?

anyway, i don't think there's a reason to rename the vast majority of cats. i have very, very, few rules. heck, in ashes, i even had squilf come out and say that there's not even a problem with cats sharing a prefix.

the two cats i have renamed are yellowstorm and runningcloud, both for very specific reasons: -fang is a suffix that only makes sense if you're a warrior, and yellowfang names runningpaw runningnose, but in this au, sagewhisker names him, and she doesn't seem like the type to give that kind of name.

in yellowfang's secret, which i do generally treat as canon, yellowfang explains runningnose's name. i don't have a problem with her giving that name to him in the slightest. i just don't think sagewhisker would, and that overrode my general conservative approach to cat names.

but i do think, to an extent, cats are named for the world around them. i explored this in "without warning," where cats can be named after all sorts of strange things (elevator is my favourite), because well, they don't know what strange names are and are not.

so, for example, if there was a kit named, say, chaffinchkit, i would probably rename them, because i've set my warriors in the pnw, and there are no chaffinches in america.

i would just name the kit finchkit, because really, a chaffinch just a specific type of finch anyway.

i also refuse to name a kit maggotkit. there are probably other canonical prefixes in this nature that i refuse, but maggot is the big one that comes to mind.

but i don't care that ferns are green and cats aren't green. maybe it's a name passed down through the generations, one they don't even remember the origin of, but now, it is a thunderclan name.

or maybe, it is given to a riverclan cat simply because their mother thinks ferns are nice and soft.

none of that matters to me, because i personally find limiting name to appearance is incredibly boring, and gives up a really nice chance to worldbuild.

in "fair is the night," ivypool and tigerheart have a brief conversation exploring this.

"ThunderClan is different," he says. "You don't use names in the same way. You don't know the Ivy before you. But ShadowClan isn't like that. Dawnpelt knows Dawncloud and Flametail knows Flamefur, but...I have Tigerstar." "That seems ineffective," Ivypool says. "You can get more mileage out of your names. Here, Ivy is for grey kits, right? But wiry ones. We need strong roots. And Dove is for grey kits, or white ones, but its for the ones who are born soft."

they go on, but i would never pass up an opportunity to explore that type of thing. (and yes i see the typo)

similarly, i like the renaming system. i am like, this close to saying i love it.

the only reason i don't make brightheart lostface in everything i write is because it'd be too much of a headache to remind people, and i also don't want to needlessly invite arguments about it.

she keeps her name in "saccharine tithes of love and glory" because it's the kind of au where i can throw small things like that, without worrying, because it fits, tonally.

i wish it didn't set a fic in a very specific tone, but it does, and so, i usually use brightheart.

(also, it's clear that she prefers brightheart in the books, and i respect that. i don't think, in my culture, that makes sense for her, but i've talked about my works as being on a spectrum between canon and me, and most stuff is far enough away from me that i call her brightheart.)

anyway.

part of it is, renaming cats is imposing my rules over canon. i feel that saying "flipclaw should be named something else" asserts that my world is correct, and canon is wrong.

like, tallstar as a name does not make sense in my windclan. a kit can't be tall, and i've established that windclan names are very literal. but i've let it go, because i chose to make that a rule, and now i live with it.

i hope i didn't come off as prescriptivist, here, because i honestly believe if you want to rename cats, you should. i'd even be happy to discuss alternatives.

for clawface, might i suggest scorchface? (the suffix is malleable, frankly, but i don't feel like thinking much about it.) scorch deliberately has negative connotations in shadowclan, so you keep the same effect as clawface. especially since it just kind of sounds ominous.

but as for what i will do, it is not rename cats. i like their names (especially skyclan's), in all their idiosyncratic glory.

[emmetthastiktokforsure]

we truly were robbed of Esme and reneshrek interacting or like all of the family?

Like they didn’t show enough time of everyone with her, I would hands down make the whole movie just them living a chilly vampire life like,,,that was bellas goal not some war and a big ass traumatic childhood for reneesme (I know she wasn’t planned and I have an alternative post for a chill life of Bella and Edward without this happening but I was really soft and worked on this but I can post it too)

Imagine tho like

Esme teaching toddler Reneesme how to embroider, or cook or do artsy stuff and being messy with her laughing while their clothes are stained with paints and they make decorations for the house or they cook things for,,,grandpa Charlie 🥺🥺 or Jacob

Carlisle playing doctor with Reneesme pretending to be the patient and being dramatic (obviously not letting her hold the bisturí or pointy stuff) and laying on the “surgery table” that’s just the couch or her bed or being a sweet ass and watching toddler movies with her or teaching her history from back in his day (this is a big plus when she’s in high school and stuff she be getting A+ on history stuff)

Alice playing dress up with her and playing like they were models or “fancy store” like she’s the client and Alice runs the store or reverse and Reneesme picks clothes for her (Alice is glad she has a sense of fashion ESPECIALLY if it’s childish and sparkly)

Rosalie letting her chill while she fixes cars and teaching her as well but also being the most cutest aunt always kissing her cheeks and buying her stuff even when Bella said they didn’t wanna spoil too much and also playing games with her or dolls and would glare at little boys when she dropped her off at kids house or school (if she got to elementary)

Emmett taking her on his Jeep, lending her his bro hats that are too big for her head and she’s giggly while he’s being a dumbass with Jasper or being silly romantic with Rosalie

Jasper he teaches her how to play baseball since she’s a toddler and how to do the awesome bat trick (hell yeah) he sits with her to play dolls but is also quite artsy too so he hangs out with Esme and her or participates in the games with Alice (and when she’s sad he tries to change her mood to make her smile but also tries to be there for her and listen).

OK IM SOFT

Bella definitely ditches the ferraris and fancy stuff and takes her on rides on her truck, in the back sometimes and watches over the mirror to make sure she’s safe (though most of the time Jacob or Emmett travel in the back too). When she’s not busy studying for college (let’s face it she’d study actually not do the stay at home life) she reads her books and teaches her to read (that’s where the trio bonds cause she and Edward are bookworms) and buys her tons.

Edward: as before mentioned they share books so they read together, or he reads her bedtime stories or they all three chill together with a good classic book (or toddler book cause you wouldn’t read Hamlet to a 4year old) he teaches her piano but is open to other instruments and learning them with her and plays a lot with her. He’s as guilty as Rosalie of spoiling her sometimes. They share a secret language cause of their similar abilities so they are giggly and give each other looks a lot and are a sweet duo

Charlie takes her since she’s little fishing, I guess he kinda takes all the opportunities he missed out with Bella, taking her fishing or giving her rides in the cop car, he takes her to the parks and shopping with him (there’s more to expand)

Jacob so, NONE IF THAT WEIRD ROMANCE HERE he plays with her too, not so much around the cullens sometimes but they play tag, or takes her to La Push to play in the sand and build castles or stuff, he tells her a lot of his ancestors stories and Quiletes (sorry if I’m writing it wrong) or goes swimming with her NO, DEFINITELY NOT JUMPING OFF THE CLIFFS and they cuddle a lot in his wolf form but they are two dumbasses together (Seth joins in a lot)

OKAY THATS ALL I COULD THINK OF IM SUPER SOFT ABOUT THIS YALL. You can definitely expand on this or tell me more people!!!!

(I’m not leaving out Leah I just don’t really know how she feels about Reneesme?? )

[theartfuldodger26]

Fandom ask

Thank you, @bellamort1993 for sending me Harry Potter, Bellamort and Bellatrix as prompts. Feel free to do the same (or different to your choosing).

001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

Favorite character:  Bellatrix Lestrange and Voldemort. No, I don’t have one favourite. Bella is the closest to my heart, but apparently I waste the most brainmatter on Tom/Voldemort, so *shrugs* Harry is my favourite light character, he’s an admirable person.

Least Favorite character:  Umbridge, as is universally accepted.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Bellamort (which is canon, bitches) Delphi/Harry (it will become canon, you just wait for TCC part3) Tomarry but not Harrymort(nearly counts as canon judging by how often Harry comments on Tom’s looks) Drarry  Delphi/Victoire

Character I find most attractive: Bellatrix, hands down. Then Voldemort can do things to me too, but Bella would be my first choice. 

Character I would marry: No one, I’m happy by myself. Delphi can be my angsty fuck buddy with whom we meet every once in a while, bitch, get drunk, cry and fuck. 

Character I would be best friends with: Harry, tho I’m not the best of friends and his friends do have a high mortality rate for my taste. I wouldn’t mind if Voldemort killed me tho, so *shrugs*

a random thought: The wizarding world makes zero sense in so many places. They haven’t had an Industrial Revolution and they seem to be stuck in the Middle Ages in many ways, even if they dont seem extremely Christian as these times actually were. It’s really confusing. As for their economy? How does that even work if you can conjure a chair out of thin air, or replicate food? 

An unpopular opinion:  Idk what’s unpopular these days. Aside from Albus’ name, I actually liked the Epilogue. In contrast to what people thing, it doesn;t show *everything* that happened after the war, meaning it’s no obliged to show the PTSD and the fights and the pain. It just passes the message: depsite everything, in the end they were happy. Not always and not easily, but they lived, and built and did good. And that’s not always possible with survivors. It’s our job as fans to add the rest, all the author needed to do was say ‘yes, they made it out okay.”

My Canon OTP: BELLAMORT Seriously, I have screenshoted the details of TCC where it shows they’re canon. 

My Non-canon OTP: Harry/Delphi

Most Badass Character: Bellatrix, handsdown.  McGonagall out of the good people. 

Most Epic Villain: Voldemort, we’d have no books without him. He can be dumb, but it’s cute.

Pairing I am not a fan of: I’m not huge in non-canon Hermione ships, and anything with Snape is gross.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): ...Snape? Not his character, but the light she gave him by naming Harry’s kid after him. It appeared she was clear on him not being an admirable person, but then he’s the bravest bloke ever? No, ma’am. 

Favourite Friendship: The Golden Trio, they work as a three-man-group better, I won’t devide them. 

Character I most identify with: PostAzkaban!Bellatrix feels she’s letting her master and herself down, and so do it. I keep looking for my former self. Who wasn’t much after all, but had some qualities I should recultivate. 

Character I wish I could be: ... I’d like to have some Bellamort qualities that I lack, but in general I’m fine working on myself.  

002 | Send me a ship and I will tell you:

When I started shipping them:  After I finished the books, so that’s since 2007, 13 cool, angsty years. 

My thoughts: I love them, they’re my evil babies. In fact, I don’t even have reasons for loving them, as most shippers do, I’d just die for them. 

What makes me happy about them: That theyre complicately made for each other in their unique goth way. And that in the end they had a kid, which I think helped Voldemort out a lot with his issues with intimacy and emotions. 

What makes me sad about them:  That they died *sobs hysterically*. Also that they’re proud idiots who don’t communicate well. Also in the books they have like two scenes together. (HE SCREAMED THO)

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: Seeing Bella’s character butchered down to a snivelling, slavish idiot, though these aren’t Bellamort fics usually.  In Bellamort fics, it feels like a cheat when it says Bellamort but it’s just Bella pining and Voldemort really not caring. I don’t have a problem with the POV, but it needs to be tagged as unrequited. Otherwise I’m open to perspectives. 

Things I look for in fanfic: Good writing, mostly. I’m also a huge fan of Muggle!AU’s, so if you have that, I’ll read it, no questions asked XD

My wishlist: On Amazon? :P I presume this means wishlist on fics/art with these two, but do correct me if I’m wrong. I dont have one, since I write myself, so whatever I want to read, I write. Right now I’m on a bit of a writing hiatus (but don’t take my word for it, my emotional world is fucking rollercoaster), but at some point I’d like to see a mermaid!AU and a lot of exploration between Voldemort and his mother, while Bella holds his hand. 

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Alone and miserable. I guess Bella would have been okay with Rodolphus, had Tom/Voldemort never been born.  And Voldemort/Tom would have been fine too with some nameless pretty woman he did not love but had to marry to keep face.  But I think that they would have never been truly happy with anyone else. especially Tom, he’d never be really comfortable with anyone. 

My happily ever after for them: VoldemortWins!AU, they conquer Europe, Bella is Minister for War, Voldemort the Emperor. Maybe they have a kid, maybe a couple more or none at all, who cares, the point is they live and fulfull their dreams of revolutionising the Wizarding Wolrd.  I also have a sappy afterlife!AU where for a while Bella is imprisoned at the family castle for having a halfblood little bastard, goes half-insane, as Voldemort searches for her (they had a spat right after they got there), and Delphi kills herself and goes to find her dad in small-child form. They finally get tgether and live death happily ever after in some Norwegian fjord in the frozen tundra. (it’s also my personal happy ending, only it’s cats and snakes)

003 | Give me a character & I will tell you:

How I feel about this character: I love Bella. She’s a bitch and a sadist, but I love her. 

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: The one and only, his majesty the Dark Lord himself. 

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: Rodolphus, he’s her only friend.  Also, sad HC: Bella was very close to Andromeda until she got too involved with Voldemort and his cause, and they drifted apart. No one wept harder than Bella after Andy left, and it was her who spent days banging on the Tonks’ door to let them speak to her. Voldy could squeeze tears out of his shirt after she fell asleep crying about it. 

My unpopular opinion about this character: Again, not sure about unpopular.  I believe she suffers from genuine mental illness that tortures her a lot and makes her life (and her shared life with Voldemort too) very hard. Also I find her more self-doubting and reserved than most authors, hard working and largely indifferent to people who aren’t Voldemort. 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Actual romantic scene would have been nice, but HE SCREAMED after all. Let’s not ask for too much. 

Favorite friendship for this character: Rodolphus and Andromeda. Recently I’ve started Brotp-ing Sirius with Bella too, before they parted ways. 

My crossover ship: I don’t really have any other fandoms, but I have been exploring the world of the Witcher as of late, so I’d love a showdown between Bella and Yen. It’d be so hot.

Well, this was fun! Thanks, @bellamort1993 for sending the ask. I have this feeling that I’ve replied to this before, but for some reason it’s still in my drafts, so I’m posting it. If you’ve seen it before, I apologise for bothering you... 

[nightcoremoon]

ok so let's talk twilight. girl meets vampire. girl falls in love with vampire. vampire falls in love with girl. girl and vampire start dating. evil vampire wants to eat girl. vampire kills evil vampire.

new moon. vampire leaves girl. girl gets depressed. girl rebounds with werewolf. werewolf wants to fuck girl. werewolf realizes he's the rebound. werewolf leaves girl. girl seemingly attempts suicide. vampire learns about this and attempts suicide. girl goes to tell him she's not dead. vampire king gives a warning.

eclipse. vampire and girl are back together. evil vampire girlfriend wants revenge. evil vampire girlfriend makes evil vampire army. vampires and werewolves kill evil vampire and army. vampire king gives another warning. vampire marries girl.

breaking dawn. vampire and girl get married. and fuck. girl gets pregnant. baby will kill girl. but abortion is ~evil~. girl dies and gets turned into vampire. werewolf wants to fuck the baby vampire. vampire king shows up to kill the baby. it was a big misunderstanding lol. happily ever after except for the people who died.

that's the gist of things for anyone who doesn't remember.

ok so there's two groups of people. team edward, people who are satisfied with the canon. team jacob, people who say "fuck that, girl should be with werewolf instead". and many people on team jacob proceed to say that team edward all condone pedophilia and stalking and other terrible things. fandom wars happened. and in the end, most people moved on.

...

but not me.

now, I wasn't an obsessed super fan. I thought the first book was boring as shit until the second half. it took me a month to read the first half and three days to read the second half. I read the entire second in literally one day. the entire third in like 3 days. and the entire fourth in like 5. I watched all the movies in theaters. but none of this was by choice. my mom and my several sisters basically made me, but it was okay I guess. personally my fandom progression started with final fantasy 12. it moved into eragon, death note, jak and daxter, avatar the last airbender, invader zim, tales of symphonia, a dash of harry potter, sly cooper, my little pony friendship is magic, dead space, red vs blue, twokinds, resident evil, etc. I'm not in the twilight fandom by choice, but I know all the lore and trivia so fuck it. I might as well be.

I'm team edward.

I know what you're thinking. "but he's 100 years old trying to fuck a teenager! he watched her sleep! he almost killed her drinking her blood! he made her suicidal and depressed! he was super jealous and possessive whenever jacob was around! he broke her bones when they had sex! he impregated her with a monster baby that killed her! HE IS TEH EVILEST EVAR!!1"

let's take this one piece at a time.

1- he didn't try to fuck her. she tried to fuck him. but he said not until she's a full grown adult capable of making her own decisions, and not until marriage ~because premarital sex is wrong~

2- yeah watching her sleep was a little creepy but we can attribute that to stephenie meyer thought it was romantic because she's a dumb white mormon cultist

3- he is a VAMPIRE, and not by choice. and it was either suck the poison out of bella or let her become a vampire. which he didn't want to happen because ~being a vampire sucks 🥁~ so yeah he saved her life. and he managed to not drain her dry and kill her even though her blood is so goddamn delicious because she's a fucking mary sue

4- he didn't make her suicidal and depressed by leaving the country so she didn't get in any life threatening situations like being around jasper who has the self control of a fat kid in a twinkie factory. bella just took the breakup really really badly, and if someone reacts badly to a breakup, it's on THEM, not the other person. saying any differently is, what's the word, toxic and clingy. her emotional instability for plot is just indicative of the author's inherent misogyny (which makes sense, as dumbass mormon cultists are rife with the stuff)

5- he was not jealous and possessive. JACOB was the one who was toxic, since "that cold one will TAKE MY BELLA AWAY FROM ME". jacob wanted bella for himself because he had a crush on her since they were kids, and it was a super unhealthy obsession. edward could read his thoughts and was pissed; consider his backstory in hearing potential rapists' thoughts and killing them. but edward couldn't kill jacob because he was bella's friend. nothing more, though, and jacob fumed in his nice guy fedora

6- again, edward is a VAMPIRE, and a horny bastard at that, because he is a gentleman and therefore probably was a virgin too. he even told bella countless times that it would happen but bella thought it was #WORTH to get some of that hot vampire dick. I guess she's into some super kinky shit. no wonder 50 shades of grey made sense as a twilight fanfiction. anyway, bella seems to have fully consented, otherwise she's the world's most unreliable narrator.

7- the monster baby plot arc was propaganda against female bodily autonomy because "teh babby haz a SOUL and abortion is MURDER even tho she'll LITERALLY DIE otherwise but hey backwoods redneck mormon values are more important than the lives of women, right? anyway, ironically enough, he respected her bodily autonomy by not fixing the mistake he didn't think could happen (uterus vampires can't get pregnant but dick vampires can get other people pregnant? NANI, THE FUCK???) because bella didn't consent to him killing the fetus that was literally breaking her bones from inside since ~abortion is wrooOOoong~

and now, counterpoint.

...and counter-counterpoint.

"edward groomed bella" edward's main focus when she was 16 was to not kill her and drink the delicious cherry fanta, and his main focus at 17 was to make sure she didn't die and that nobody else killed her and drank her delicious cherry fanta, and only when she was a full ass adult was he like "alright fine you wanna marry me sooooo bad here's ur fuckin diamond ring". yeah they made out but like, consider that a FUCKING MORMON WROTE THIS BOOK. one can't fault a character for the dumbassery of the author. that's why in this house we stan james potter. and besides, a few years ago whilst playing truth or dare I at 21 was dared to kiss a 17 year old and I did- granted I didn't know he was 17 at the time but that doesn't even matter because granted edward was a lot older than 21, but granted that doesn't even matter anyways because you know how many teenage girls would make out with oscar wilde, keanu reeves, chris evans, or danny devito jason momoa if they had the chance? I know I would have. it isn't necessarily sexual unless you want it to be. besides, the argument could be made that brain development stops when you become a vampire, considering their body stops developing too. technically edward had the brain and body of a 17 year old, he was just 17 for a long time. so any way you slice it, there are acceptable explanations justifying this in the magic fantasy land of what-ifs and JUST BAD WRITING.

we good?

now let's tackle jacob.

he demanded she "choose" him over edward. he was just as childish and petty as mike. oh, poor mike. he was just too dumb. SWM be like. anyway, he literally abandoned her, his friend, because she wouldn't fuck him, when she needed her best friend the most. because that's who jacob was to her. he was her best friend. she kinda ignored him because edward is smexy and it overpowered her tiny teenage girl brain, or at least that's the author's excuse (yay for internalized misogyny). when they were in the mountains and he was keeping her from dying of hypothermia edward literally had to ask him to stop thinking about fucking her. while she was unconscious. which is kinda rapey. and then to top it all off, he wanted to fuck her baby daughter. so jacob is literally every single thing people called edward. he is jealous, possessive, creepy, obsessed with bella, and a whole bunch of other stereotypes associated with brown skinned man wanting to fuck white skinned women.

...

...

...

oh dear god.

wow I can't believe that the white woman who took an existing native american tribe and rewrote their culture to fit her vampire love story for white girls to have a sexy ~exotic~ savage feral werewolf boy in the love triangle turned out to be a racist all along.

so ideally, jacob would be the ideal partner for bella. lore-wise as well. bella and jacob grow old together in their plain regular normal human lives (and hopefully bella's face doesn't get clawed off like sam and leah BIG OOF FOR THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE), edward and tanya get married like they were supposed to do all along and gallivant off and do vampire things, all that jazz. edward isn't creepy and weird, bella isn't a magic mary sue with a magic fucking jean grey mind shield, jacob isnt an asshole.

but after reading the books and the evidence provided, I cannot in good conscience be team jacob over team edward.

thank you for your time.

fuck stephenie meyer.

and fuck all the dudebros who dog on girls for liking twilight anyways, as if dudebros don't watch and consume shitty media all the time.

[calumbringbackthewatermelonshirt]

Fight or Flight [Supernatural Cal AU]

kind of a short first part... more to come later tho!

a supernatural cal au

“I’m so tired of living in this crapy freaking motel room.” Bella complained as she lounged back in her chair, two of its feet in the air.

“I don’t give a fuck.”  Aurora said as she took a long pull of her beer. She had taken the last one from the fridge and while it was about time to go shopping again, she was dreading it. Shopping meant leaving the safety of the motel room. “Thanks to the wards, this ‘crappy freaking motel room’ is safe.”

“Yeah, the wards I put up. Why can't we have a house or something? Maybe a small but nice apartment? It’s not like we can’t afford it.”  Bella continued to grouse before turning back to the show she was watching on Netflix.

“Look, I’m sorry we can’t do more, but this is it. This is all we got. You know what we’re up against.” Aurora sighed and rummaged through her duffel bag for her cash. “I hate to do it, but I have to go to the store. You need to eat.”

“You need to eat, too. Maybe not as much, but you still need to eat.” Bella snorted, but she unstrapped her knife and wand from under the table. “Stay safe nerd.”

“You, too jerk.” And with that, Aurora opened the door and stepped out.||

“You know, maybe we should take a vacation.” Ash had his head leaned against the window and a wistful look on his face.

“What do you mean, vacation?” Cal squinted his eyes at Ash, wondering what was up with him. “None of us have ever had a vacation ever.”

“Exactly. Maybe that’s why we’re so... I don’t know up tight.” Ash pulled away from the glass and shook his head with a look on his face like he couldn’t quite find the word he was looking for.

“All right, crazy, we finish this mission, we discuss a vacation.” Cal smirked and turned his head back to the road. He and Ash were on their way to a small town about five hours from the bunker. According to Michael, there was some serious demonic activity, even traces of witch spells. Cal was pretty burnt out on hunting demons, but witches were a bit of a rarity. He figured it might be a nice change of pace. ||

Once they arrived in Roselake, the town they were investigating, Ash refreshed Cal on the details.

“Okay, so we’ve had demonic activity and witch spells enacted starting about two weeks ago. Other than that, not much to go on.” Ash knit his brows together, looking at the slim case file. “I don't know where to start.”

“What was the demonic activity in the area?” Cal rubbed his mouth with his hands, watching the people passing by. “What caught Michael attention?”

“Uhh, murder. No surprise, but the fact that the heart was gone from he body was.” Ashton rummaged through the backseat and pulled out his FBI badge. Luke had done a fine job at Kinkos. Cal and Ash changed into their suits before heading over to the library where the body had been found.

“Hello sir, we’re Agents Tran and Grillo here to investigate the homicide case.” Cal spoke to a short balding man with a nervous tick. He and Ash both flashed their badges at the man, scanning the room suspiciously. “Could you show us to where you found the body, perhaps give us a few names?”

“Sure, sure. I, um, I, I was the one, the one who found the body.” The man was clearly afraid of them. He had right to be as an overweight man standing at 5′6 while Cal and Ash were both 6′2 and very muscular. They flanked him and continued to glance down all the isles as they passed by. The library was small, but there were still plenty of places for unpleasant things to hide. The crime scene was in the back room, away from anything or anyone.

“I found Casey two nights ago. She was my closer for about a year. Kind of a peculiar girl, always writing in this black notebook of hers.” The man was looking at the ground, but his mind was anywhere else.

“Can you describe the environment when you found her? Even the smallest detail could help, right down to the smell.” Cal pressed the man for facts, ready to get out of the musty library.

“Yeah, yes of course.” The man shook his head and polished his glasses for the umpteenth time. “Um, the room kind of smelled bad. Like, like Casey had gone for a run and forgot to put on deodorant or something? That didn't make sense, though, because she always had good hygiene.”

“Thank you for your time, sir. We’ll show ourselves out.” As soon as Cal finished talking, the small man hurried out of the room to the safety of his desk.  “What’s your read?”

“The heart says demonic, but the book says witch so I think that Micheal was right on the ball here.” Ash continued to look around the room for anything else that could help.

“I say we split up. I’ll see if I can find anything on people coming into town two weeks ago when this started. You can follow up on Casey, see if flags get raised on her side.” Cal was running through some possibilities in his brain as to why here and what exactly going on in this town.||

Aurora hated shopping even when she wasn’t being hunted, so now? Well, she despised it. The entire time all she could help herself by repeating get in, get out in her head over and over. Another thing was that she was leaving Bella alone in the motel room. They hadn’t seen the... things that were after them since they had come to Roselake two weeks ago, but that just made her nervous. They longer they went without seeing the demons, the more nervous they became. Aurora hated that she had accidentally dragged Bella into this. They were practically sister and of course they would do anything for each other, but... She couldn’t help but feel that she had stripped Bella of her life. Before everything, Aurora and Bella had led a very cushy life, happy and easy. The demon wanted Aurora, not Bella. Bella could have gone free, but because she had stood by Aurora, the demons wanted her too. Grocery shopping only took her about fifteen minutes but on her ride back to the motel, she couldn’t help but have a feeling that something was wrong, something was off. She urged her Harley to go faster, praying that nothing was wrong and she was freaking off over nothing. As soon as she saw the broken in door, however, her stomach sank and the adrenaline flowed stronger.||

“So you’re heading over to the motel now?” Ash’s voice came over kind of crackley over the flip phone.

“Yeah. Two girls checked in right when things started to get weird. I had Michael check into some security cameras and only one of them has stepped out of the room since check in.” Cal was just casually cruising over to the motel in his 1971 Stingray Corvette. This car was his lively hood. It was hard to find an original black one, but hunting took him all over the country. You could find anything if you looked hard enough. Once he got to the motel, he walked to the trunk and got out two of his pistols and a knife. After, he walked upstairs and knock on the door.

“Housekeeping,” Cal called out and hoped for the best. He tended to hold out on just busting down doors if he could. Once he heard the muffled screams from within, his rules went out the window. As soon as the wood splintered beneath his boot, he was greeted with four demons circling around a girl tied to a chair in the middle of the room. His last thought was oh fuck before the demons launched onto him. They didn’t get very far before all of them jumped back, seemingly burnt by the air. He wondered why for a moment before her saw her. A girl with long blonde hair in a leather jacket, black skinny jeans and combat boots. She was beautiful and her electric blue eyes were bright with power. She had an angel blade in each hand and both of them were activated. Cal put two and two together in his head, knowing after years of experience that those blades only glowed in the hands of angels or of being of true power. Cal wondered which one she was. He didn’t get ask her before she flew by him and launched herself into the room at the demons. The way she fought was like a dance, every move lithe and graceful and full of purpose. These demons were smart, attacking as a unit instead of one at a time. They swarmed her, each trying to go for her throat. The demons circled, her signaling to each other. She kept her knees bent and her arms raised following the demons closely with her eyes.  Then she met his.

“If you can fight, I could use help. If not, run.” After letting the words slip, she launched into a flurry of attacks, taking the fight straight to the demons. She spun so her back was to the first demon and plunged her knife in backwards so that it was angled from the bottom of his rib cage up towards his heart while simultaneously slitting the throat of the demon in front of her. Two of the remaining demons kept the girl busy while the last ran to the girl tied to the chair. Cal could tell that she was distracted by the fourth, however, because in a lapse of judgment and an advanced move by one demon left her with a knife in her gut.

“You piece of shit, I just broke this leather jacket in. You can't just sew up leather you fuckers.” The girl seemed more worried with her jacket than with the hole in her stomach.

“You’re lucky we don’t kill you here, girlie.” The oldest looking demon with the hole through his ribcage leaned over the girl, taunting her. “Lucky for you, our master wants you for something else.”

“So? Take me then. I don’t see what this has to do with Bella.” The girl spat some blood onto the ground near the foot of the demon that spoke. “Although if you say you were trying to pretty up your party, I’ll understand.”

The demon behind the girl growled and dug the knife in deeper. Cal figure it was about time he stepped in. As soon as he crossed the threshold, the male demon was on him attacking viciously. He caught the demon’s first punch before throwing one of his own towards its jaw. It landed squarely and the demon staggered back a few steps. It caught itself and hissed at Cal, more angered than injured. Before Cal knew what happening, the demon was on him again, this time grabbing Cal’s arm and ripping. Cal heard the crack of bone and grunted, acting almost fatally wounded. He then pulled the gun out of his jacket and shot the demon twice in its chest. He looked towards the girl and found her already in action once again. The girl flipped the third demon over her head and dug the angel blade still in her possession deep into its body. Immediately she stood and ran towards her friend, towards the last demon, but seemed to be stopped by some invisible force. Cal stood, pistol raised and ready to fire before that same force knocked him against the wall and knocked him out. ||

[almightytallestvoldy]

Aaaaand it seems I didn’t upload Voldemort’s birthday picture from last year either.

“So here we are again. Another new year, and another New Year’s Eve spent celebrating Voldemort’s birthday for me. It’s one of three times in the year (now instead of two, but we’re yet to see the fruit of that labor) where I FORCE myself to make absolutely SURE that I do a piece of art. When I started thinking about what I wanted to do for this year’s picture, I remembered the one major Harry Potter (Voldemort specific, actually) event that took place this year; Harry Potter ALBUS POTTER and the Cursed Child.

(Skip the Italics rant to get on to the art description)

While I have no idea if the general populous even accepts that entry as canon, particularly because of some literally IMPOSSIBLE things in it, and I myself found a great deal of anger and disappointment in the installment, there were a few shining points of wonder and glory, one of those being, imo, our new addition, Delphini Diggory RIDDLE. This is one of those things I’m referring to. There is NO WAY she could exist, at least as stated. No one was aware of her existence, despite the fact that she was apparently born in Draco Malfoy’s house and to his aunt Bellatrix. You’d think that’d have been a detail that would’ve been mentioned when Harry, Ron, and Hermione were captured and in the Malfoy Manor, or, you know, something Draco would’ve known about. So there is no way that’s a true thing. But one thing that definitely comes to mind is the fact that Delphi herself didn’t even know of her own heritage, and didn’t find out until Rudolphus Lestrange somehow managed to get the information to her. Personally I believe it was a final act of loyalty to Voldemort to make sure his child knew her background, and a final act of loyalty to his wife to make that child believe she was Bella’s. I have serious doubts that Voldemort would ever mix his genes with anyone so annoying or mentally unstable. I’d have to see some serious explanations and background of the build up or whatever before I’d buy that noise. But all the same, I love Delphi. I love her sooooooooo much. She, Albus, and Scorpius were the only good things about that toilet paper roll they called an official next installment. I love her for multiple reasons. First and foremost, she validates even the possibility of my own OC’s existence. Secondly, she’s almost an exact carbon copy of her. Delphi is certainly more unstable (which would be the only thing that would make me believe that she’s Bella’s), but that aside, their motivation and behavior are pretty much identical. Delphi’s speech towards the end of the book was almost word for word something that my Vivian had said in various RPs and fanfics. It’s hard not to love a character that I have both already gotten attached to through my own writings, and that puts egg on everyone’s face that ever made fun of me for my idea. Yeah, it’s still a pretty Mary-Sue-ish idea, but now it’s a CANONICAL Mary-Sue-ish idea. I’d like an apology from all those people that judged it so viciously, thank you very much. I’ll pass out numbers, and then you can all line up and I’ll call you to the desk.

ANYWAYS, my heart goes out to Delphi, almost as much as it does to Voldemort himself. She just wanted to know her father, who’s known no earthly love or affection that we’ve ever been privy to. She, too, has spent her life alone and neglected. She was raised in such a way that I know would absolutely enrage Voldemort. She never even went to Hogwarts! She was robbed of the experience he treasured above all others! Of social interaction! Of a standardized, varied education! It’s just the ongoing injustice of the Riddle family. And then they had to go and have her kill somebody and vilify her, too, when this could’ve been a chance for redemption after the massive negligence from virtually every character in the series. Seriously, I could argue a case for everyone, don’t get me started.

So basically now that I’ve got that off my chest, I’ll get back to the actual art. For a while, I considered doing a picture of just Voldemort and Delphi. I wanted to grant them both some respite from their cursed lives. Like, if in just one universe, somewhere out there (which is to say, my cathartic art), that they could be together, and on Voldemort’s birthday, I just thought that would be great. But why even stop there? If I’m talking about my own universe that I have created (now along with @blissomquisling as well), why not include my own OC, who just gained a sister? Or her mother for that matter? Well, the simple answer is that I could think of no reason why not. It seemed wholly appropriate for an updated family photo.

Without further ado:

Left: Delphi. I used the only picture of her that seems to exist for reference: https://goo.gl/images/6CTKAf I tried to make her seem very content at realizing her fondest ambition.

Top-Center: Vivian. Anyone who’s followed me closely for years will recognize my second oldest OC. She’s positively delighted for this influx of family that all love her father. It’d just been her and Nagini for so long. Obviously their ages don’t actually reflect well together. Delphi was apparently born some time in 1998, while (default) Vivian was born in 1980.

Center: I don’t think I really need to say who that is. He’s really having a hard time processing all of this positive attention. But HE was the one foolish enough to believe he could get away with sitting alone on a LOVEseat in a room full of people who LOVE him. Come on, tho, really … He kinda likes it.

Back: Nagaini, of course. You know, I never remember a very clear description of her, other than a massive snake. I wanted her to look real, but not plain, so … greyscale python? Yup. Sounds legit. She’s like the family dog. Everybody loves Nagini.

Right: Nova. This is the other that requires some explanation. As my friendship with @blissomquisling grew, so too did our interests together. Voldemort and the injustice he suffered has always been a great passion of mine, so eventually she started to participate as well. Her oldest OC, Vanessa, is a demi-goddess/the goddess/the embodiment of love itself. Back YEARS ago when FaceBook had that Sims Social game, I made Voldemort for my profile, and she made Vanessa. Through absolutely no bidding of ours, Voldemort was immediately attracted to her, which made perfect sense, as anyone who meets Vanessa falls in love with her as a side effect of being love incarnate. Over the years, it kind of just kept happening. We had them both in Sims 2, and they were drawn to each other. We had them both in Sims 3, and they were drawn to each other. We had them both in Tomodachi Life, and … they were drawn to each other. (They’re actually one of my happiest married couples now LOL). The explanation for this now is that Voldemort sought the power of love, as he claimed to Dumbledore in one of the memories in Halfblood Prince. He had stated that his search had been unsuccessful, and Dumbledore came back that he’d probably been looking in the wrong places. But in our canon, he had in fact located this goddess of love in his wide search of the world for rare magics and hidden powers. He couldn’t help but be attracted to her, but the clincher was that love, being like a force or even an actual, quantifiable thing like a gas or liquid, would be attracted to places where there is less (or none) of itself. That being said, she found this terrible blunder of human kindness, charity, and understanding (someone who had received virtually none of these) fascinating, as well as something that needed correcting. She told him that she would be born to a mortal body, and that they would meet again when she did and what signs to look for. She didn’t know when this would come to pass, however, and the high levels of emotion and endorphins and the like usually make encounters with her dreamlike. By the time Voldemort came to Dumbledore to request the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, he had come to believe that the encounter had not been real, and felt somehow more betrayed and abandoned than before. At least until sometime in the 1970’s when he met Nova on a trip to France.

While residing in the 70’s, she still won’t give up a lot of her 60’s trends, such as her gogo boots, and short bob. She was actually very young when she re-encountered the Dark Lord, but she was not intimidated by him, and immediately struck up friendly conversation. He found her so curious and charming that he kept visiting her. She loves him unconditionally, even if she doesn’t condone all of his actions.

Ugh. I wish I could go on about her forever. She is so delightfully quirky and bizarre. She is seriously one of the greatest characters I have ever had the pleasure of interacting with. But I’m sure by now pretty much everyone has lost interest by now. This is getting into the realm of being more for my own records than anything.

FINALLY

The Loveseat: The horrible 60’s - 70’s pattern is based off of “that couch everyone had.” Yes. You’ve had it. I'VE had it. We’ve all had it. Nova has it. So Voldemort has it, poor bloke.“

Original Posting: https://almightytallestvoldy.deviantart.com/art/Voldemort-s-90th-Birthday-Another-Family-Photo-654695329

[melodramatic-glasses-character]

1.) what’s a song you depict with your childhood? - Free Bird, Lynrd Skynrd. My dad showed it to me when he found out I was learning electric guitar


2.) did you have a memorable childhood pet? - lovely lab/Doberman called Bella and a cat called Charlie


3.) have you ever been drunk? - many many times, amigos


4.) have you ever tried drugs? - I smoke weed pretty regularly (helps me sleep) and I tried Nos once at a friends house


5.) have you ever completely regretted what you’ve said? - so many times


6.) have you ever made someone cry? On occasion


7.) has someone ever made you cry? - only once, ever, since my dad left


8.) have you ever been in love? if so, describe the moment you knew it. - I’ve been in love so many times and each time has been different and varied and wonderful. I was thinking today that those first few months of being in love with someone are some of the best experiences life can offer


9.) which came first the chicken or the egg? - seriously? The fucking chicken


10.) are you part of the lgbtq+ community? do you support them? - I’m bisexual, but I don’t consider myself part of the community because apparently I’m ‘straight passing’ or ‘doing it for the attention’ and I’ve never been really accepted into that sphere (me being a Christian probably has something to do with that too) But I’ll always support them because nobody else fucking does in this world.

11.) how many siblings do you have? - two siblings, and a half sister who I never see


12.) have you ever been in love with someone you couldn’t love? - I’ve been in love with a lot of people. A few people that never got to show love to, and a few who I couldn’t love the way they needed me to


13.) are you a good cook? - I have a select few meals I can cook really well. The rest? Nah


14.) what is your favorite tv show? - at the moment, Brooklyn nine nine, but I also love sense8. I’m more of an anime man tho


15.) what is the last movie you cried during? - spirit stallion of the cimmoran, when I was four


16.) what are songs you’ve cried to when you first heard them? (if any) - nah, but the closest I’ve come was the first time I ever heard Crash Land by Twin Atlantic


17.) do you have a middle name? - two middle names, but I’m not about to share them here


18.) have you been out of your country? - yeah a few times. I LOVE ITALY


19.) are you a chocolate fan or not? - I can take or leave it?


20.) how many people have you kissed? - I have kissed a large number of people and I regret nothing. Kissing is great


21.) what is your favorite album? - that’s a very difficult question. Probably Wilder Mind by Mumford


22.) what is your dream car? - @luxury-pie a yellow 2010 Ferrari California


23.) what is your lucky/favorite number? - 8. Never known why, but 8 is my number


24.) what is your favorite flower? - I don’t really like specific flowers. Daisies are pretty tho


25.) books or movies, why? - books, because I don’t have the attention span for movies


26.) have you ever been on a blind date? - no, should I have?


27.) has one of your friends ever backstabbed you? - no, nothing serious or hurtful, but…


28.) have you ever backstabbed one of your friends? - I have. Brutally and awfully and I regret it so much


29.) what thing do you symbolize love with? - love is doing shit you couldn’t care less for gladly because you know it’ll make somebody else happy.


30.) do you have neat handwriting? - I have the fucking worst handwriting of anyone I know


31.) do you have a friend with benefits? - nah, although I have in the past and really enjoyed it. She’s great and we’re still really good friends and chat shit all the time


32.) do you want a friend with benefits? - not right now, I’m more than happy with my girlfriend


33.) if you could be anything in the world, what would you be? - happy and financially stable


34.) have you ever been blackout drunk? - I’ve lost memory while drunk, but never blacked out. This particular occasion I had a race down a line of Jaeger shots and woke up in bed with a friends hot sister. No memory of the night after the jaeger race tho


35.) have you ever met someone famous? - not mad famous no.


36.) how many concerts have you been to? - too many to count


37.) which concerts have you been to? - awesome ones


38.) do you have a hidden talent? - I have a great many talents but most people who know me know about them. For tumblrs benefit, I play nine instruments, write fiction relatively well, sing fairly well, and give really good head


39.) what do you do when you’re stressed? - panic. And smoke. And sometimes if I’m lucky, I smoke some weed


40.) do you think money can buy love? - money can’t buy shit that matters


41.) how old would you date? - maybe 25 rn? But I prefer a year either way


42.) have you ever done something illegal? - a fair chunk of illegal shit yeah. Particularly as a teenager


43.) what is your biggest fear? - becoming like my dad


44.) what is an unusual fear you have? - long ass tunnels


45.) can you drive? - not legally, no


46.) do you believe in supernatural creatures? - angels and shit. No fucking ghosts though


47.) do you believe in karma? - good comes around, but bad shit sometimes happens to good people


48.) what is one quality you need in your partner? - they should preferably like me


49.) do looks matter? - as an added bonus, certainly, but they’re nowhere near the most important thing


50.) does size matter? - no it fucking does not


51.) who is the last person you forgave? - truly forgave? Probably my dad. He’s the only person who’s ever wronged me enough to mean that it’s a conscious effort to forgive them.


52.) what is your favorite ice cream flavor? - cookie dough.


53.) what languages can you speak besides english? - none


54.) ever been on a plane? - yeah, I’ve flown a few planes too


55.) ever been on a boat? - yeah, but I prefer planes


56.) is there anyone you’ve lost touch with that you wish you hadn’t? - I’ve moved house so many times, so I’ve left a lot of people behind


57.) are there any friendships you regret? - no, no matter how they ended. Friendship, no matter how lasting or fleeting, is always a precious gift


58.) are there any friendships you wish you could make? - few of you guys in tumblr


59.) have you ever stayed awake for 24 (+) hours? I haven’t slept in the last 50 hours and I seriously need to


60.) have you ever walked outside after 12 am? - oh yeah, loads. I love night time


61.) have you ever seen a sunrise completely through? - yeah my girlfriend and I cycled two hours to the beach at three in the morning so we could watch the sunrise together at five


62.) are you scared of rollercoasters? - nah I enjoy them


63.) on a scale of 1-10 how stressed are you usually? - a solid 6.75


64.) do you have any plans this weekend? - working tbh. On the bar


65.) do you miss anyone right now? - I miss so many people. Right this second I miss @merryanustrench and @luxury-pie


66.) who do you wish you were talking to right now? - those guys. Or my dealer, tbh


67.) if you could have any superpower, what would it be? - insane jumping ability


68.) who is your favorite superhero? - someone from the incredibles


69.) are you dirty minded? - half of what I think is about sex


70.) what is your favorite song from every decade starting at that 80’s? Close to Me by the Cure, Lithium by Nirvana, Mr Brightside by the Killers, and I Really Like You by Carly Rae (those are just ones I like off the top of my head)


71.) how many kids, if any, do you want? - I’d want a few, but always figured I’d adopt as well as having my own


72.) who is your biggest OTP? - Tom Natsworthy and Hester Shaw from Mortal Engines


73.) what is your favorite food? - chicken marengo


74.) do you want to be married one day? - always have, always will


75.) dogs or cats? - both are amazing, but cats


76.) do you drink enough water daily? - fuck no


77.) have you ever seen a shooting star? - my first one was last year


78.) if you had the opportunity to go to the moon, would you? - nah can’t say I would, tbh


79.) how many best friends do you have? 2. One is my girlfriend, the other is called J and I love him to pieces


80.) when was the last time you cried? - only once since my dad left. Once in about six years


81.) have you ever laughed so hard you peed yourself? - nah never


82.) have you ever made anyone laugh so hard they peed? - yeah I have, a family member


83.) if you could travel any where in the world, where would you go? Canada, a log cabin in the wolves surrounded by wolves


84.) what are 3 words you would use to describe yourself? - not too great


85.) do you consider yourself a loyal person? - I used to. But I think I treasure the idea of loyalty, more than I do actual loyalty in practice.


86.) what is your favorite season and why? - spring. Spring brings the life back and helps me to light up my life when I’ve been depressed


87.) have you ever told anyone you loved them, and didn’t mean it? - yeah. Not proud of it, but I have


88.) do you know how to play any instruments? - like I said earlier, 9 instruments


89.) do like like falling asleep to music or not? - nah my brain analyses music too much. I like having anime playing so I can’t analyse what they’re saying, or I’ll play some mindless sports video game (NBA 2K) and that puts me to sleep


90.) what are you allergic to? - speaking in front of people


91.) have you ever wanted to be someone else for a day just so you could see what there life is like? - yeah all the time


92.) if you could be any character from your favorite tv show would you, and if so, who would you be? - I feel like Jake Peralta is already my spirit animal


93.) if you could be best friends with any celebrity who would it be and why? - probably Keane Reaves, because we’d mess with people and be super nice


94.) are you outgoing? - mentally I’m quite outgoing, but a lifetime of having a speech impediment means I get anxiety when I have to speak to people


95.) have you ever wanted to kiss someone, but weren’t brave enough to? - oh yeah, certainly when I was younger


96.) are you a good flirt? - nah I’m a fucking terrible flirt, it either turns into low level bullying or overly sexual shit with the subtlety of a freight train


97.) have you ever been turned down, or have you ever turned anyone down? - yeah I’ve been turned down. I’ve only ever turned one person down but she was an honest to God stalker so I don’t count that


98.) which planet is your favorite? - fucking Neptune, man! So pretty 
99.) are you superstitious? - nah, nothing beyond what’s normal culture (saying bless you after a sneeze and that)
100.) are you a good listener? - yeah I’ve been told that
101.) are you a good kisser - my dude, I am a FANTASTIC kisser and I dare you to test that
102.) would you kiss any of your friends - I would kiss SO MANY of my friends. In fact I’d kiss most of them. Almost all. If you’re friends with me, there’s a good chance I’d kiss you. In fact, if you’re friends with me irl, there’s a good chance you already have

Thanks for putting up with this overshare! I love doing these. I tag @luxury-pie @bemyrobin and @merryanustrench to do however many of these they feel like doing

[andersonunleashed]

I usually don’t get too upset watching @wwe but they took me to a level tonight that has my blood boiling. I’m far from the biggest Bella Twins fan as far as wrestling is concerned (I like them better out of the ring) but I hope Nikki rips R*ndas spine out her ass and feeds it to her. Let’s break this bullshit monologue of hers down.

It all started with the “yes chant,” which I mean come on guys WHO ARE YOU CHANTING FOR!?

Then R*nda screws up her face cause she’s obviously constipated and can’t remember her lines.

R*nda: I tried my best to be respectful.

Well your presence alone is disrespectful but continue.

R*nda: Everything that the divas era stood for made me sick to my stomach.

Hold up, wait a minute! You’ve been here two seconds and you think you changed something? Do you think your showing up magically changed things? Every single girl that has stepped foot in that locker room has worked their ass off to get the womens division where it is today’s from Mae Young to Chyna to Lita to the Bellas to Little Miss Bliss and all the women in between. Even Summer Rae and Eva deserve a shot more than you. I would have been less upset if they said Renee Young was going to be the next champion to not see you’d destroy all the moment you stepped into the arena with your shitty appropriated hairstyle and “tough guy” act. (Seriously, can someone please stop making her look like a stitched up football?) The divas era was about women’s empowerment and trying to get to the main stage to be on top and equal to the men. Without the divas division you’d still be nursing your pride at home after the two second KO—oh are we supposed to pretend that didn’t happen?

R*nda: I try my best to give you the benefit of the doubt that you were just doing the best you could with what you had. And so when you guys came running up to me after wrestlemania—-

I’m gonna stop you right there. They don’t need your benefit of anything. They don’t need your approval. They’ve earned their stripes. You’ve broken two arms and injured at least 3 people and still haven’t actually wrestled in less than a year but somehow are the “champion” it’s you who are a disgrace and it is you who people have tried to give the benefit of the doubt. They literally had NO chances. They MADE their opportunities. These women took and still take risks that will get them fired just to get a shot. You’re right tho they are a disgrace after seriously injuring one person in 12 years compared to your 3 in less than 12 months. As far as then running up to you, you should have seen that coming not just because this is fake but the moment you showed up the girls were trashing your overhyped ass showing up and it was not just the Bellas!

R*nda: I thought how cool are these ladies.

I would just like to point out that you’re sad cause you’re a fan girl and they don’t like you IRL or in the ring. And let’s be real nobody likes a transphobic racist so I don’t blame them.

R*nda: I thought we could be like sister soldiers and persue the same goal that we could be driving forces in the woman’s evolution together.

Sorry, but I need to check my notes. Didn’t you just say, “everything that the divas era stood for made me sick to my stomach.” Now call me crazy but if I hate something you stand for I’m not going to team up with you.

Id like to also note that when Nikki runs her tongue along her teeth like that she’s usually heated and trying not to hit below the jugular which tells me she’s not faking being pissed at this point. She has the shorter temper of the two and scripted or not she’s currently being told everything that she’s been fighting for years by someone who doesn’t deserve to be in the building right now.

R*nda: You guys are the embodiment of a stereotype, DNB.

Bitch, now my wig done flew off my head. You’re gonna tell me that two women who have fought from poverty to where they are now do nothing? First of all, let me direct you to Nikki’s Instagram where you can find just how much of “nothing they do.” And don’t forget everything they do they STILL credit the WWE from their clothing line to their wine collection, they include the WWE. Tell me again, how often do you promote the companies you’ve worked for previously and/or currently. They genuinely love everything about wrestling and show up even if they are told to just sit in the stands and pretend they give a fuck about the trash can that’s taking the spot they and others like them deserve. Let’s get one thing straight, you’re only here as a publicity stunt and as soon ass they can’t make money off of you anymore you’ll be written off or show up less than Lesnar.

R*nda: You weren’t there to support me, you were there cause there was a camera point at me.l and never in my life have I seen such desperation for attention.

That may true it may not be true, but the camera was pointed at them before you were in the ring so it worked didn’t it? But we all know the truth, Vince told them to be there to start the plot line and also promote Total Divas return which is still a hit and Nikki still produces. Unfortunately like RAW you’re ruining that too as we watch the girls being forced to pretend they like you being here. Now if this was pointed only at Nikki then I mean I’d be less annoyed but you’re talking about Brie too. Brie, who would rather be playing with Birdie in her garden than worrying about showing up to something extra just for a camera. Brie, who cried over not breastfeeding because of work. You really think she cares if the cameras stop rolling?

R*nda: blah blah blah minimum amount of talent...

I would like for you to see one of the baddest female power finishers in the business the Rack Attack and Rack Attack 2.0. Bitch, you couldn’t even execute a Samoan drop properly and have yet to prove that you can do anything other than an arm bar (even in mma you barely won with skill).

R*nda: You leached off of the names of your men.

Again with the “yes” chant guys .. who the fuck are you supporting? The bitch who shows up every week to talk or the girls who only ended up with their men through plot lines when they were either both still new or both huge. There was never a big power dynamic with the exception of Cena being a man so he made more money. Also notice both girls wrestled even when their men weren’t on the show either cause of injury or filming. You see they didn’t need a man to get them their jobs. They didn’t need a man to open their doors. They kicked the doors down and then allowed men to join them. They found success in spite of their men. When they were told no, they didn’t accept it and screamed “yes.” (This audience really needs to learn when to chant .. now is the time for the “yes” chant people!)

R*nda: You plagiarize and dilute their move sets.

Now, I know the Bellas aren’t the most intelligent, in fact they probably had to ask Daniel later what you meant. But sincerely from the bottom our hearts R*nda,

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A MOVESET IS OR IS VINCE FEEDING YOU LINES LIKE HE DID LIO RUSH? Cause let me tell you something bitch, the crowd chants “yes” for Brie more than Daniel. And last I checked Nikki is single and still on top without the help of anyone else.

R*nda: You’re not pioneers, you’re callous. You’re relics of the past waiting to be eviscerated like small pox.

Oh sweetie, they didn’t catch any of that. To be honest, you sound like me when I’m practicing my word of the day on the mornings I remember to learn them. This line should have been eradicated from the script.

(Honestly the best scene in this was Nikki looking confused as fuck when she heard and Brie looking for help from the audience.)

R*nda: (nonsense) I can rip your arms off and beat you with them.

A one trick pony’s gotta do what it’s gotta do. If you think anyone is actually scared of you, you have a rude awakening coming your way.

R*nda: *stutters* stoping me is going to be the referee and everyone knows their not very good at holding me back.

You’re right their fake attempts to “hold you back” are about as good as your tongue is at not getting in the way when you speak each week. (Seriously, is there a compilation somewhere?)

R*nda: But you know, I am much more than a pretty face with a deadly body.

Giiiiiiiiiiirl, you didn’t have to tell us those aren’t your best attributes. And don’t get me wrong, you’re not hideous until you open your mouth and release all that hate speech you like to throw out. Your attitude makes you look like the troll in HP: The Sorceres Stone.

R*nda: I will ruin you. Regardless of how much money is poured into marketing you.

None, the answer is none. The only woman who’s getting marketing money is you. You’d know that if you’d been here thought this entire revolution. And not just the tale end of it. Bitch, do you not see that they aren’t even spending money to market Evolution?

R*nda: I will make the name Bella into a four letter word—

BITCH!!!! I REWOUND THAT FOUR TIMES!

R*nda: blah blah blah societal sore (🙄) blah blah ..

Brie: honestly I’m so distracted by the yes chants AGAIN that I have no clue what she said and can’t be bothered to go back because I’m in BIAS MODE (lol I crack myself up, that was punny). Is R*nda gonna cry?

I did catch Brie reinforce that she’s only talking about R*ndas career here .. Brie, you’re a heel. Heels don’t say nice things sandwiched into mean things. You just stop at career. She doesn’t get credit from you for past things, cause you’re a heel babygirl.

Nikki spits some truth even to those of you who hate her. Honestly, like her or not they did the damn thing and opened doors. Let’s not discredit their work.

R*nda: My entire career I been knocking down doors. (Names irrelevant companies) here at the WWE..

Nobody said you didn’t, just that you haven’t in the WWE. And because Brie is so nice (😒) she has already reminded you that we aren’t discrediting your entire career. But imma stop you right there bitch you’ve done NOTHING for the WWE.

R*nda: The only door you ever knocked down was the door to John Cenas bedroom .. and he eventually threw you out of that exact same door.

Sit down girls, let mama fix this.

First off bitch, you better buckle the fuck up for this truth I’m about to shit down your throat. You have the audacity to discredit a six year relationship AND slut shame right before a WOMANS EVOLUTION. Sit the fuck back and think about what you just did. Let’s set aside the fact that I wanna take you to the back yardso you can choose your switch for a moment. You claim to be the face of the evolution and yet you stand up here and degrade a woman below the belt ON TELEVISION about her PERSONAL life. Let’s say she did fake the relationship. Wtf does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Don’t sit up here with a holier than thou attitude only to try and make a woman insecure about herself and her relationship.

“Oh but it’s just for show.” NO THE FUCK IT ISN’T. SLUT SHAMING IS NOT EVER JUST FOR SHOW.

“But the twins started it,” SHOW ME WHERE AND I’LL TELL THEM OFF TOO! don’t come at me with some heel turn bullshit either.

“But Nikki broke up with John,” FACT BUT IT DOESN’T MAKE THE HEARTBREAK LESS! And honestly that’s a whole other diatribe for me.

“But they ran away,” they got laid a lot of money to runaway and hold off on beating her ass.

There is never an acceptable time for women to talk to other women like R*nda did tonight but adding that it’s so close to Evolution and with all the shit already has so many of us ready to walk away, this was disgusting. I didn’t actually care who won the championship cause I want Bliss to come back and have a real fight for it win or lose but now...Fuck you R*nda, I hope Nikki destroys you and you never come back to the ring.

Let’s just take a second to say, FUCK YOU @wwe for making me side with Corey douchebag Graves.

[xcaptainhannax]

Forever (Jasper Hale x Reader)

Prompt:  “ Is there any chance you could please write an imagine with Jasper were the reader, who is his girlfriend falls severely ill, but it's something that no one, even Carlisle has ever seen and she keeps getting worse and so Jasper has to turn her?” (requested)

Word Count: 1,578

Warnings: slight swearing (I mean, it’s me, what do u expect)

A/N: sO SORRY FOR BEING SO LATE. I don’t have internet at the moment and I’m trying extremely hard to fix that but the company that provides me internet is shit and they are so fucking stupid I swear to jesus I hate them. I hope that I can get back to uploading as soon as possible! (I’m at my mom’s house today, that’s why I’m able to put this up) also, this time two gifs because I felt like it, none of them are mine tho.

Jasper’s POV (third person)

No one could understand what was happening to her, not even Carlisle, he never crossed paths with a disease like hers and that was a lot to say having in count all the years that Carlisle worked as a doctor.

It all started with pain in her legs, each day that went by she found it more difficult to walk without having to stop to rest, of course, Jasper would be on her side helping her and even carrying her on his arms; Carlisle said it could be exhaustion because of stress and having in mind that finals were approaching that could be understandable.

But things started to escalate quickly; not only her legs were in pain but she started to feel more tired every day and she struggled to breathe at night when she was lying down next to him, he could feel her fear and even if he didn’t want to show it, he was fucking scared as well.

No matter how many times a day Carlisle checked on her he wasn’t able to tell what was wrong, her symptoms could lead to any disease but he didn’t want to say something if he wasn’t sure so he would tell her that everything will be okay and that she was in good hands.

Eventually she stopped going to school, giving as she only lived with her mother she excused herself saying to her that she was spending the nights at his house, at first she was against that but as time passed she let (Y/N) stay, little did she know that her little girl was dying.

Jasper knew this, he could feel it, her heart was weaker every day, and her heart didn’t beat as fast as it did before and he didn’t want to accept it but if no one turned her she was going to die.

“We have to do this, otherwise she will die” Carlisle’s voice sounded calm as he looked at his family that was now gathered in the living room, and even if he was one floor away from her he still was able to hear her weak heartbeat.

“There has to be something we can do, Carlisle, she doesn’t have to go through this” He looked at Rosalie, even if her face was as emotionless as always he could sense that she was worried, the tone of her voice gave it away; he knew that Rosalie took a liking on (Y/N), as she said that (Y/N) was nothing like Bella, that’s why she liked her so much.

“No, Rosalie, I can’t find anything to make her feel better” Carlisle’s voice sounded harsher this time, Jasper knew that he spent most of his time looking for something for (Y/N) and he was forever grateful “Is now or never, we can’t lose more time”

“I’m going to do it” The rush of adrenaline that came over him was indescribable, he wanted to keep (Y/N) by his side no matter what, even if that meant to turn her.

He suddenly felt everyone’s eyes on him but he didn’t stutter, he wanted to do it.

“I’m going to do it, Carlisle, I know I can” he repeated.

He felt the confusion that was radiating from Carlisle, he knew that he didn’t trust him at all with the task, but this was his mate’s life that was in game, and he wasn’t going to lose it.

After a couple of seconds full of silence, Carlisle sighed deeply but nodded slowly looking at him.

“Okay, but Edward, Emmett and I will be next to you in case something happens” Jasper gave him a quick nod and everyone started to move around preparing things, he made his way to the room that (Y/N) was lying and this time he sighed when her weak body came to his sight.

After what it felt hours for him everything was prepared, (Y/N) was now lying on the bed but this was neatly made, and she wasn’t in her pajamas anymore, she was dressed and he gave a quick look at Alice, mentally thanking her for that, she only smiled softly and got out of the room. He looked at (Y/N), and if her heartbeat was weak before now it was almost inaudible, her eyes closed and her face was looked so soft even if she was paler.

He got closer until he was standing next to her; Carlisle was on his side on a second while Emmett and Edward were on a corner in the room waiting for him to fuck up, but he was surprisingly confident, he wanted to save her and he was willing to do anything to achieve that.

He sat down on a chair that Carlisle brought for him and took a deep breath, not because he needed to breathe but because it was his way of preparing for what it was next. He slowly grabbed her arm and leaned on, he knew that Carlisle had sedated her so the pain could be eased a little which comforted him in a certain way.

He closed his eyes as he felt her soft skin in between his teeth and he finally pierced her velvety skin, he had to restrain himself from losing control but something on the back of his mind kept telling him that her life was on his hand which made him think twice about fucking everything up and as quickly as he set his mind on the task he could slightly feel how the venom flooded through his body into hers.

“You are doing great, Jasper, a little bit more and that’s all” Carlisle’s voice sounded far away from him, he wanted to do as good as he could, he knew that this would be painful for her, even when she was sedated.

He closed his eyes trying to concentrate, at every second on his mind he could only see her, opening her eyes and being the same cheerful and lovely girl that he felt so hopelessly in love with.

“Ok, that’s enough Jasper, it’s done” He heard Carlisle’s voice again and began to slowly separate from her arm and placed it delicately next to her side again, but he never moved from his chair, he knew that the next three days will be the worst days of his eternal life, one thing was to have (Y/N) living, even if she was sick but another completely different thing was to have her in an immense pain that not even him could stop, and it was killing him inside.

He felt a hand on his shoulder but didn’t even flinch at the sudden contact.

“You did good, Jas, she is going to be okay” He nodded in a way to say ‘thank you’ to Emmett and he noticed on the corner of his eye that Edward was standing next to him, but he knew that he didn’t need to say a word to him, he only thought about it.

‘Thanks’

And he sat there for three days, for the first time in his life he thank whatever god existed that he was a vampire and could resist all of this, he wouldn’t like to miss a second of her transformation and in a certain way it amazed him to see how slow but noticeable were the changes on her appearance.

On the second day her hair didn’t look as dull as it did before, her hair color looked even vibrant than it ever did, it might seem insignificant for others but he still noticed how her eyelashes that had been falling before were now thicker and looked even darker and in that moment he wanted to see her eyes so bad, he only imagined how they will look surrounded by her thick and long eyelashes.

Later that day he noticed her skin change, it was pale before due to her sickness but now it was glowing and looked even smoother than before, for a strange reason he couldn’t bring himself to touch her so he remained still in his chair watching her closely, ignoring every time that a member of his family came to check up on (Y/N), even if it was mostly Carlisle.

On the third day something changed too, her heart stopped beating and he knew that every second that went by it brought him closer to see her opening her eyes again. The past days had been torture for him, even if he could not feel anything physical he still could feel her emotions and pain was the only thing that emerged from her body and oh how bad he wanted to bring her closer to his body and take all that pain away, but he couldn’t.

At some point during that same day, Carlisle entered the room and even if he didn’t turn he knew the whole family was in there too and he felt it, it was close, it was now.

And all of the sudden (Y/N) opened her eyelids to reveal beautiful crimson red eyes that looked at her surroundings with a confused grin on her beautiful face, he thought that she was stunning before, but now her beauty was incomparable with anything, she was simply flawless.

Her eyes suddenly stopped when they met his and he couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face.

“Jasper?” her voice was as velvety as her skin and he could melt in that instant.

“Yes baby, I’m here”

[theworstbob]

i listened to the 100 most popular songs from 2016 today

100) "Perfect," One Direction

I am glad that this list started with a lovely cover of Tay Tay's "Style." I was worried none of these songs would actually be good! Like, this cover isn't anywhere near as good as the Postmodern Jukebox version, but they handled it capably, and it's hard to go wrong with this song. These five nice boys picked a very good song to yap!

99) "See You Again," by Wiz Khalifa ft/Charlie Puth

I honestly can't believe that Fast and Furious is the most reliable institution in America. Think about everything in this country that has failed or is failing us. Think of what is happening in this country, and then think of the few things that are happening which are good. It's Fast and Furious and the DVSBlast Twitter account. Those are the only two things we can trust right now.

98) "Timmy Turner," by Desiigner

So I’m not sure why this song brings up The Fairly Odd Parents, but this is a nightmare to listen to and think about, and I wanna talk some Cosmo. I believe, with my heart and my soul, Cosmo belongs in the Dumb TV Character Pantheon. This feeling exists within me because I will always remember this exchange from one of the movies, after Cosmo is separated from Wanda: Cosmo: I can't date again! I'm terrible at small talk! Ask me about the weather! Timmy: Um, how's the weather? Cosmo: JEFF! Cosmo is such a good character. I am glad for this excuse to talk Cosmo.

97) "Wicked," by Future

So is there a difference between Metro Boomin not trusting you and Metro Boomin being [indifferent to/unaware of] the fact of my existence? I don't think I should be shot simply because Metro Boomin has never met me and thus would have no reason to trust me. I suppose that wouldn't be a good intro to the track. "If Metro Boomin doesn't care to know who you are, you will be permitted to continue living outside his (admittedly limited) purview."

96) "Humble and Kind," by Tim McGraw

Let's take a second to appreciate the irony of the demographic which made this the 96th-most-popular song in America in 2016 is also the exact same demographic which voted for Trump. "Bitterness keeps you from flying/Always stay humble and kind." HEY GUESS WHAT LORI MCKENNA, BITTERNESS DON'T KEEP YOU FROM SHIT. YOU AND TIM DID NOTHING.

95) "Adventure of a Lifetime," by Coldplay

Oh come on why is this like this is no why

94) "Starving," by Hailee Steinfeld and Grey ft./Zedd

Every song Hailee Steinfeld has made would have been a better closing moment for Pitch Perfect 2 than "Flashlight." Again: imagine all the Bellas past and present on stage singing "I didn't know that I was starving 'til I tasted you." And what did Pitch Perfect 2 try to do? It tried to make Jessie J happen, the least noble pursuit possible short of trying to make Robbie Williams happen. They also made Pentatonix Canadian? We don't talk enough about how Pentatonix was randomly Canadian in Pitch Perfect 2. We don't talk enough about how there are two full movies about a capella music and Pentatonix had a total of three seconds of silent screen time.

93) "All in My Head (Flex)," by Fifth Harmony ft./Fetty Wap

Trap Rappers Doing Feature Verses in Pop Songs is already my favorite thing. Like when Kendrick appears in a Maroon 5 song, it's weird because Kendrick made To Pimp a Butterfly, but you can see how Kendrick can fit himself into a pop song, traditional rap serving at its core as a second percussion track. Fetty Wap is on a different plane of existence.

92) "Really Really," by Kevin Gates

I listened to Islah because it showed up on some list somewhere and I remember listening to this song but don't remember anything about it. It took me a few minutes to remember this was a separate entity from Danny Brown's "Really Doe." So I guess I don't mind this, which is enough for this to take provisional second place.

91) "Cut It," by O.T. Genasis ft./Young Dolph

As much money I would have put against the "In Love with the Coco" guy ever having another hit, I would have put even more money against me enjoying it as much as I enjoyed this song. I'm not gonna tell my grandkids about this song or like listen to it again, but it gave me three and a half minutes I mostly enjoyed.

90) "No Limit," by Usher ft./Young Thug

Usher is basically a dorky dad at this point in his career. You kinda knew he was spiraling into the dorky dad phase of his career when he started on The Voice, and his dorky dad status was cemented when he did an American Ninja Warrior course on Ellen (ANW being a healthy conduit for midlife crises), but he does a song with Young Thug, and it is clear that, okay, maybe the man who made "Yeah!" no longer 100% understands what's going on in this crazy world, but he's down to show us he can still party like he used to. Look at him dance! Betcha didn't think your math teacher could move like THAT, huh! Has anyone seen Thugger? Thugger? Thugger, where a -- oh, the -- Young Thug, what are you doing. No, Young Thug, come on. OK. I think we're all funned out. Get in the car. No dessert for you tonight, mister.

89) "Back to Sleep," by Chris Brown

In the interest of perpetuating the notions that protests are effective and that wrongdoers will be punished, I will be continuing my ban on willingly listening to Chris Brown. I'm still listening to "Waves," tho, but I also didn't exactly acquire that album, so I don't feel like I'm breaking rank with that. I understand I listened to a Kevin Gates album, and I will offer a defense of that action just as soon a -- /dashes away/

88) "Watch Me," by Silento

I really wish Billboard would make a rule prohibiting songs from appearing on year-end lists two years in a row. Like, OK, people were listening to this song in 2016, that's OK, but it was released in March 2015! This cannot be one of 2016's 100-most-iconic songs when it was a Song of the Summer contender in 2015!

87) "All the Way Up," by Fat Joe, Remy Ma, and Jay-Z ft./French Montana and Infared

this beat, though. I'd really like to know if that's synth or a real brass, because I can't find any liner notes for this track, and I can't get over the idea of someone picking up saxophone in fifth grade when they needed to start doing extracurricular activities, realizing they loved playing music, working their ass off to become a highly proficient saxophone player, getting to the level where they have turned the saxophone into their career, getting the call to come to the studio to lay down a track with Fat Joe, and then just playing two measures and it's the most popular thing they ever did.

86) "I Know What You Did Last Summer," by Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello

The girl kinda sounds like Meatwad and the dude kinda sounds like Master Shake. There's a good song somewhere in here but jfc these muppet voices.

85) "Lean On," by Major Lazer & DJ Snake ft./MO

KEEP IT IN 2015. I AM NOT A CRACKPOT.

84) "Hide Away," by Daya

There was a time in my life where I could listen to a song like this and it would be appropriate, and that time was precisely 13 years ago. I think I have to knock on all my neighbor's doors and let them know that I am a 27-year-old who listened to "Hide Away."

83) "When We Were Young," by Adele

So okay I didn't realize I had listened to some dude do this as his The Voice blind audition, and I didn't even look up what this song was because I was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAIN the dude was singing a Billy Joel song, and now that I know that I heard a cover of an Adele song and thought with absolute certainty that it was a Billy Joel song, I sort of understand why every Adele song leaves me cold.

82) "Pop Style," by Drake ft./The Throne

You know how sometimes, you'll watch some god-awful Dreamworks animated feature that thinks pop culture references count as jokes, and then you get to the end and it gives six different people a "written by" credit? This is why, when I hear a line like "Got so many chains they call me Chaining Tatum," I believe even harder that Drake has a ghostwriter. That line is the sort of painful stupid that only exists when a corporate committee tries to make a joke. Drake is basically if the social media presence of the restaurant Denny's learned how to rap.

81) "On My Mind," by Ellie Goulding

20 deep and we finally found a song I can fully endorse.

80) "Middle," by DJ Snake ft./Bipolar Sunshine

/adjusts glasses /clears throat um maybe turn down for this /bows

79) "Wildest Dreams," by Tay Tay

Man this is 2014 so EXTRA fuck this, but I'd like to say, before we move on from Tay Tay: I think we all know Tay Tay had a rough 2016, or at least as rough a 2016 as anyone could have had while still ending the year being worth tens of millions of dollars. Whenever she releases her follow-up to 1989, it will be overambitious, it will flop, it will be derided, and only overthinking morons like me will stay with it long enough to find its tiny triumphs. But the thing about Tay Tay is, she 100% doesn't need to be a pop star. The second the pop world is done with her, she's going to go back to Nashville, and those hicks will welcome her back with the openest arms imaginable. Her country comeback is already my favorite album of 2019.

78) "Sit Still, Look Pretty," by Daya

BOY AM I EVER NOT THE TARGET DEMO FOR DAYA. THIS FRESH TEEN HAS CORNROWS AND I AM NOT MEANT TO BE AUDIENCE TO HER BRAND OF GIRL POWER.

77) "Side to Side," by Ariana Grande ft./Nicki Minaj

This song gets a lot of goodwill for being the follow-up for the important Ari/Nicki masterwork "Get on Your Knees," and though this is a far inferior work, it does not squander the goodwill built at all.

76) "Lost Boy," by Ruth B

This is easily the second-best sad song with a Peter Pan theme I heard in 2016. Shout-out to Kelsea Ballerini.

75) "Antidote," Travis Scott

One of the things I will miss most about Twitter is the adventures of @dances and Leany, his Travis Scott ad-lib parrot.

74) "Say It," by Tory Lanez

The intro to this music video has two female characters with lines of dialogue, and I don't think I've ever seen a hip-hop music video come closer to passing the Bechdel Test. Anyway this song is nice! It's a lot like that other song I said I enjoyed but wouldn't remember, in that I enjoy it but probably won't remember it by the time I get to the next nice song.

73) "Hymn for the Weekend," by Coldplay

I didn't want to listen to this song, but I told myself I had to for the sake of completionism, and I just, I have so little life's time, and I spent four minutes with a song that I know is bad, that you know is bad, simply to report back to you that this song is, in fact, bad. I don't even have a joke. It's a Coldplay song. What could I possibly have to gain from listening to a Coldplay song in 2017.

72) "Can't Feel My Face," by The Weeknd

I took this excuse to listen to this song again, even if it should stay in 2015, and I learned that they're still making Grammy nominee compilation albums. I still remember, there was one year my mom bought one of those Grammy compilation albums, and I was looking at the track listings, and somehow Bowling for Soup was on it? And I think about Bowling for Soup's Grammy-nominated hit "Girl All the Bad Guys Want" a lot, because it's a potentially problematic song. Like, when you listen to it, it sounds okay enough, it's just a young man recognizing that he's out of his depth with a young woman, recognizing his own flaws and trying to keep up. But then you remember what Bowling for Soup looked like? And the tone of the song is called into question. How can we be sure this song isn't about a young man bleating about how the young woman isn't working hard enough to appreciate him? If you could completely divorce art from artist, "Girl All the Bad Guys Want" would be an undeniable jam, but we cannot, we have to consider that Bowling for Soup left the house every single day thinking looking the way they did was acceptable, and we must consider the persepective from which they saw the song.

71) "Sorry," by Beyonce

One of the funniest things about Serena Williams' extended run of dominance at the top of the WTA is her "rivalry" with Maria Sharapova, because you know Serena is EXTREMELY AWARE that Maria Sharapova makes more from endorsements than she does, and Serena has made it her #1 mission in her tennis career to destroy Maria Sharapova’s credibility every time they meet on a tennis court. I don't think I ever saw Serena Williams play a better tennis match than the final at the 2012 Olympics, like I have no idea how Sharapova didn’t just retire after that match. One of my favorite stats is that Serena Williams lost more matches to Alize Cornet in 2014 than she has to Maria Sharapova in over a decade of head-to-heads. I don't have a comment about "Sorry," y'all know I love this song, I just want to point out the work Beyonce has been doing in getting America to appreciate Serena Williams, and to speculate on who the Maria Sharapova of the extended Beyonce universe is. It's not Tay Tay, Tay Tay is the Angelique Kerber of the EBU (one good year while Beyonce took a few plays off), but who's Beyonce's Sharapova? Katy Perry? They've never been in direct competition, but that might be it.

70) "Luv," by Tory Lanez

This was less nice than his other song.

69) "Down in the DM," by Yo Gotti ft./Nicki Minaj

When asked to summarize 2016 for future generations, I will play them this novelty trap single about sending nudes on Twitter. And then also apologize for the whole Trump thing. I miss snow, too. But "Snapchat me that pussy," tho.

68) "Sucker for Pain," by Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, & Imagine Dragons, w/Logic & Ty Dolla $ign ft./X Ambassadors

That this song is actually coherent is a minor miracle. Honestly, I think you could stack three or four more featued artists on top of this before it really became messy. Also shout out to how apparently the lead singer for Imagine Dragons and the singer for X Ambassadors both have shaved heads and beards. This song didn't do enough to convince me those are two different bands.

67) "Unsteady," by X Ambassadors

My favorite thing in the world for years has been my Imagine Dragons cover band, Imagine Imagine Dragons. No one I have ever told that joke to has thought it was funny, but I only need one laugh.

66) "Close," by Nick Jonas ft./Tove Lo

I AM NOT A CRACKPOT: music videos with stuntwork in them should give the stuntpeople a shout-out in the credits. Stuntpeople should get more respect than they do. Like, the fact there's not even an Oscar for stuntpeople when every single movie is comic book nonsense is a travesty. Anyway this is an okay enough song about hot people who want to make out with each other.

65) "White Iverson," by Post Malone

To everything, no. How dare you.

64) "Die a Happy Man," by Thomas Rhett

I take issue with this guy singing the line "Between the bottle of wine and the look in your eyes and the Marvin Gaye." This dude has probably only listened to one Marvin Gaye song in his life, or at least he thinks he does, because this dude 100% thinks Marvin Gaye sang "Let's Stay Together." This is a song about a man who thinks a girl is hot and wants to have sex with her. Like, that's it. This isn't a love song. This dude is just extremely horny and made a slow jam about it.

63) "Ex's and Oh's," by Elle King

Please, my friends. I know losing this song will be difficult, but join me in pretending we do not walk the same earth as Rob Schneider. We have seen what distorting one's own reality has done for the other team. We will be happier in the shared experience we create for ourselves.

62) "Me Too," by Meghan Trainor

As long as this is what you wanted. As long as you can live knowing you have the power to choose how you live. It didn't have to be like this. But if this is the way you wanted it, then I accept that you have made a decision, and I wish you the best.

61) "In the Night," by The Weeknd

It's kind of amazing that The Weeknd released an album called Kissland and somehow recovered to become a legit star.

60) "Never Be Like You," by Flume ft./Kai

So before, my relationship with the music of Flume was, occasionally, some girl would appear in my "Who to Follow" section on Twitter with a cute avi and the display name "I'm Flume's bitch," and she was recommended because she followed people I knew IRL, and I said, "Hey, I'm like two degrees away from whoever that is." And now that I've bothered to listen to a Flume song, I now understand me and the girl from the Twitter recommendations box never could have been. :/

59) "For Free," by DJ Khaled ft./Drake

I downloaded the Snapchat app, but the first time I used Snapchat, it pointed my camera at me, and I knew immediately this was not an app I was going to use for long. And then I tried to figure out how to use it, and I realized that, by the time I figured out how Snapchat worked, DJ Khaled's Snapchat would have grown stale, so I deleted the app. Anyway here’s Drake, bleating as he ever has.

58) "Starboy," by The Weekend ft./Daft Punk

i mean this is just a fuckin' good song. i'm honestly sorta stunned it's in the middle of this list. i thought it was much bigger. these aren't substantive critical thoughts, but nothing else i've written is, so hey let's keep the party goin'.

57) "2 Phones," by Kevin Gates

This is probably the #1 songs in terms of hooks I have muttered to myself while switching my earbuds from my iPod to my phone after work because I work in a basement with no reception and also live in the year 2004 and need my phone and my music storage device to be two separate entities.

56) "Hands to Myself," by Selena Gomez

On the Wikipedia entry for this song, the "Composition and lyrical interpretation" section is four paragraphs long. This is a song in which a young woman whispers about how nice it is to have sex. The "composition and lyrical interpretation" section describes the song as "a come-hither about finding love through good and bad situations." Come-hither is not a noun. Remember earlier, when I lamented that I couldn't find out who did the instrumentation on "All the Way Up?" This information is available for "Hands to Myself," which is still, if you have forgotten, a young woman whispering about how nice it is to have sex. The song is in the key of E-flat major, yes hahaha major key that's right very good, and the tempo is 111 BPM. You ever just think about how much information is on the Internet, how much of that information is necessary, and how much information we decide to take in anyway?

55) "Oui," by Jeremih

I wasn't focusing on this song because I tried to copy and paste the flat symbol into the WordPad document in which I drafted this but it kept fucking up the formatting, which is an insane thing to think about given that I have to reformat this once I paste the words into tumblr, but I assume I didn't actually need to hear it beyond the immediate need of listening to some tunes for this piece.

54) "679," by Fetty Wap

The great and terrible thing about the absence of Punk Goes Pop compilations is that I think "Trap Queen" would have been an excellent pop/punk cover, but they would've given it to one of the screamo/hardcore bands. I'm still holding out hope for that Punk Goes Broadway comp, tho. Maybe if I write enough letters to State Champs, I can get them to cover "I'm Alive?"

53) "Exchange," by Bryson Tiller

"Next time around, fuck, I want it to be different." I respect this song for using fuck as a resigned interjection mid-song. As someone who describes his general aesthetic as "fuck, dude," I think it's a cool move.

52) "Gold," by Kiiara

Yo I dig this! I like how I could listen to this chorus for a million years and never be able to understand what she's singing. "Gold" by Kiiara! What's in there? I love it!

51) "Into You," by Ariana Grande

sometimes i think about "the way," and like i get why ariana grande is doin' what she's doin' now and i respect her and think she produces jams? but man, there were so many other directions she could have taken her career.

50) "We Don't Talk Anymore," by Charlie Puth ft./Selena Gomez

Two duets on this list so far, and they're both not great, but let's ask a question: what is the best pop/punk duet ever? Your contenders are: 1) "Vicious Love," New Found Glory with Hayley Williams 2) There is no two. I care deeply about pop/punk and find the fact there's only one pop/punk duet of note shameful. Do better. Thank you for allowing me this soapbox.

49) "H.O.L.Y.," by Florida Georgia Line

So we've had two bro country tracks on the list, and I have to think this is the last, and this is a really interesting echo. Chris Stapleton, a really unique artist who dropped a dope traditional-country album called Traveller in 2015, won that year's CMA for Album of the Year, which sent a signal to the world of country music: MORE LIKE THIS, YA YUTZES. So all of a sudden, you have the bro country asshats dropping nonsense like this to prove they're "real" artists, that they're about more than having a good time and oglin' babes, they could be Serious Artists. Except their definition of Serious Artistry is just Make A Ballad, forgetting that Chris Stapleton's "Parachute" is a wrecking ball of a song which still goes hard enough to anchor a truck commercial. (It is an important moment in a white trash boy's life, the first time he recognizes the country song in the truck commercial.) But country consumers aren't discerning, and they are happy to have just the slightest hint of emotional acknowledgement (not depth or complexity, just acknowledgement that, yes, emotions can exist, and are often even felt!), especially when paired with religious overtones. The two longest passages in this piece of shit so far have been me complaining about bro country, and I don't even care, bro country still needs to be stopped.

48) "Don't Mind," by Kent Jones

wow okay, that's a candid camera reference in 2016, i expected this song to be bad for a lot of reasons, but i didn't expect one of those reasons to be dated cultural references. y'all didn't you hear the song about using twitter to fuck? you can't honestly be on your candid camera game.

47) "Let Me Love You," by DJ Snake ft./Justin Bieber

I enjoyed that! Good job, everyone! Y'all crafted a nice 210 seconds, and I think this is the most accurately-placed song on the list! This was definitely the 47th-best pop song of the year.

46) "Never Forget You," by Zara Larsson, MNEK

So like the deeper I get into this list, the more I appreciate the seven minutes I spent with Daya, because OK that's clearly not for me? But at least her songs had a character which I could define as Not For Me. What is this. What am I supposed to be doing with this.

45) "No," by Meghan Trainor

dude same

44) "Let It Go," by James Bay

It took me a little bit to realize James Bay was a separate entity from James Blake, who himself is a separate entity from the tennis player. Basically I briefly thought I was gonna get a jam from the former ATP world #4. I didn't. I also briefly thought this might have been a cover of the Passenger song, though, so that's a plus.

43) "One Call Away," by Charlie Puth

About 15 years ago, Chingy made headlines when the video for his song "One Call Away" featured a performance from Keisha Knight-Pulliam, then and still best known as Rudy from The Cosby Show. The Wikipedia page for Chingy states that he has joined a group called the Black Hebrew Israelites, which is for African-Americans who believe they are descended from the ancient Israelites, which, as far as wackadoo religious beliefs go, is far from the most outlandish thing I've ever heard; the Bible never said that, when God parted the Red Sea, he did so in a straight line. It coulda been a curve. We weren't there. We don't know. The point is, Chingy's "One Call Away" is still the song I will most associate with this title, despite Charlie Puth's best... efforts? It’s hard to tell.

42) "Like I'm Gonna Lose You," by Meghan Trainor & John Legend

goddamnit, guys

41) "Controlla," by Drake

I always forget that Drake is just okay at singing, too. Not a lot of dudes can be just ok at rapping and just ok at singing. He's a rare talent.

40) "Same Old Love," by Selena Gomez

Like, this. This is why I appreciate Daya. Daya wasn't this.

39) "Here," by Alessia Cara

But Daya wasn't this, either. Remember this song? This was a great time! A 2015 track if ever there was, but hey, nice to be reminded this song exists!

38) "i hate u, i love u" by Gnash ft./Olivia O'Brien

god this is ponderous. take yourself less seriously, man. "wedding bells were alarms." what is wrong with you. you're a pop musician. listen to Bright Light Bright Light or Fleur East for fuck's sake, get over yourself.

37) "Jumpman," by Drake and Future

I could try to make a joke about how the song Jumpman had its name changed to Mario when it was released somewhere else, but man, that sounds hard. Please just acknowledge that I have demonstrated awareness that the video game character Mario was originally called Jumpman. Please appreciate my knowledge of pop culture fun facts.

36) "Dangerous Woman," by Ariana Grande

I guess the thing is, Ari can release songs like this all she wants, but that won't change the fact that the rumor she has someone who carries her around like a baby everywhere she goes is the most believable rumor in entertainment. Like, everything about that makes sense. It's perfect, and I'm never going to stop believing it, no matter how much leather she wears.

35) "Don't," by Bryson Tiller

OK I officially really dig this dude after he just said the word "skurt" instead of doing the high-pitched trilled-r version of the word. Like, he just said the word "skurt," probably because he can't trill his rs. I love that. This dude's cool in my book.

34) "Broccoli," by Big Baby D.R.A.M. ft./Lil Yachty

i will never know the feeling of stumbling into a time machine and suddenly finding myself 1000 years in the future, the feeling of walking into a world and realizing it has advanced far beyond my comprehension. i can only listen to this song.

33) "Just Like Fire," by P!nk

I looked at the list of #1 country singles to see how many women had scored #1 hits on the country charts. It was three, which was about what I was expecting, but one of them was Pink, who did a duet with Kenny Chesney, and it's just, I accept mortality? But that doesn't mean I have to like it. At least Pink is still dependable. This is minor Pink, but I'd hear the worst Pink song ("Get the Party Started") a million times before I heard "i hate u, i love u" ever again.

32) "The Hills," by The Weeknd

one year, one list

31) "What Do You Mean?" by Justin Bieber

ONE YEAR, ONE LIST

30) "Low Life," by Future ft./The Weeknd

Man, when you put yourself in a situation where you have to listen to a shitton of The Weeknd songs in a short span of time, you appreciate just how good he really is.

29) "Too Good," by Drake ft./Rihanna

So I accidentally clicked on a video of two white teens singing this song instead of the original version? But like I've always said Drake's music is best when interpreted by white teens (see: the late Christina Grimmie singing "Hold On, We're Going Home"), so I'm not gonna say this was a mistake. Oh wait this is a trap cover. Okay. I was not expecting that. Well.

28) "Treat You Better," by Shawn Mendes

So okay I kinda only said this child sounded like Master Shake because the girl in the other song sounded enough like Meatwad that I was willing to say he sounded like Master Shake for the sake of the joke? But see, when I listened to this song, even though this guy didn't sound like Master Shake again, I still heard Master Shake. Create your own reality. Alternate facts. Personal bubbles. We are kings in our heads. I choose to believe this song is a cover of “I Want Candy.”

27) "Roses," by The Chainsmokers ft./ROZES

This song is pretty much "Closer, Jr." Like if you're not ready for "Closer," this would be a way to get you prepared.

26) "Send My Love (To Your New Lover)," by Adele

hey guys adele's morose again, wow, such a powerful artistic statement, greatest voice of our generation

25) "Cold Water," by Major Lazer ft./Justin Bieber & MO

You know, 2016 was awful for a lot of reasons, but Justin Bieber was not one of them, and that itself is actually a reason 2016 was bad. Luckily, time behaves as we want it to, so the world knows to be better because we put new calendars on the wall!

24) "Hotline Bling," by Drake

come on

23) "Stitches," by Shawn Mendes

COME ON

22) "Pillowtalk," by Zayn

Okay real talk we've had our fun the last few years with Ariana Grande's enunciation, but, and I'm willing to concede that I just don't follow the right people, but how the fuck are we letting this dude slide. The song is called "Pillowtalk." He gets six quarter-notes to append the lk. Nope. He just shouts "PILLOWTAAAAAAA." This is unacceptable. Also I'm writing this to listen to the song, and I minimzed the WordPad window after writing the last sentence to check the score of an NFL-brand football game, and I saw a woman bleeding from the eyebrows. Bro, this is a song about how nice it is to have sex. Calm the fuck down.

21) "Heathens," by twenty one pilots

I don't get this and I have zero interest in ever getting it. The reward for getting it isn't worth the effort it would take to get it.

20) "Ride," by twenty one pilots

I have a headache

19) "Me, Myself & I," by G-Eazy ft/Bebe Rexha

see, you know this song is worthless because it omits the oxford comma from the title, something it shares in common with the beyonce song of the same name, which is hands-down her worst single. i'm not even going to listen to it. why should i? it already aligned itself against me.

18) "Cake by the Ocean," by DNCE

THIS IS THE BREEZY SUMMER JAM I HAVE BEEN NEEDING FOR LIKE TEN SONGS, NOW. YOU HEARING THIS SHIT, ZAYN? YOU PAYING ATTENTION, GNASH? IT'S A SONG ABOUT EATING CAKE, AND MAYBE CAKE IS A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING BUT WHO CARES, THE SONG DOESN’T WANT YOU TO PAY ATTENTION, THE SONG WANTS YOU TO GET INTO A CHILL-ASS GROOVE. BLESS THIS FUCKING SONG. I don't feel compelled to acquaint myself further with this group and their works, but hot damn, if I can't get "Bad 4 Us" in the year-end Hot 100, this is an acceptabe substitute.

17) "This Is What You Came For," by Calvin Harris ft./Rihanna

Rihanna is the queen of songs where you just need one line repeated a million times for three and a half minutes. Also one of these days I'm going to figure out what I'm supposed to be hearing in a Calvin Harris song that everyone else is evidently hearing.

16) "Work From Home," by Fifth Harmony ft./Ty Dolla $ign

Having only seen two Fifth Harmony videos, I can say I have the utmost respect for what Fifth Harmony is trying to do with their platform. Bless these young women for committing themselves to putting a thousand hot sweaty men in their music videos. It’s important work.

15) "I Took a Pill in Ibiza," by Mike Posner

I was not expecting this song to be this. This is dope. It's the grooviest Medium post of the year.

14) "My House," by Flo Rida

I said this in a post about Eurovision or something, but Flo Rida has been making really good and trashy pop/rap singles for a decade, and his longevity is something we should be respecting. Flo Rida dropped "Low" the year Kanye dropped Graduation, and he dropped "My House" the year Kanye dropped The Life of Pablo. That is incredible. He's the Pink of the rap game. No one will ever write a think piece about him or think about his music longer than the song is being played, but he is a reliable dispenser of acceptable music. I love you, Flo Rida, for all you do.

13) "Needed Me," by Rihanna

"Pon de Replay" was released two years before "Low." Let's have a brief talk about how long Rihanna has been relevant. She's not even 30 yet! She won't turn 30 until next year! She's younger than Mike Posner, okay by like eight days BUT STILL! That's so incredible! And she has been doing the same thing the entire 12 years! Like, after the transition from "Pon de Replay"/dancehall Rihanna to "Umbrella"/pop megastar Rihanna, she hasn't really done anything interesting, just solid work on a million different songs! Consistency, man. I don't think there's one Rihanna song I could point to and say, "Now THAT'S a song!" or whatever, but I don't think there's a bad single in her oeuvre.

12) "7 Years," by Lukas Graham

There needs to be a happy medium between ZAYN saying "pillowtaaaaa" and this dude hammering every single sound like pronouncing every word correctly is the most important thing in the world.

11) "Cheap Thrills," by Sia ft./Sean Paul

Before I heard this song, I just sorta assumed that Sean Paul was trapped in 2003, where he belonged. Now that I have heard this song, I can confirm that he is trapped in 2003, but he doesn’t seem to mind too terribly. When "Get Busy" was a hit, Sia was on the Garden State soundtrack. That this song exists is a million miracles.

10) "Closer," by The Chainsmokers ft./Halsey

The definitive words on this song have been said, and I will only add that I'm stunned it's only the 10th-biggest song of 2016.

9) "Can't Stop the Feeling!" by Justin Timberlake

The thing about J Timbies is, we gave him a lot of credit for dropping "Cry Me a River" and winning the break-up with Britney, and he has been coasting on that credit for years. More people bought this song than the smash hit #1 single "Closer" by The Chainsmokers, featuring Halsey. This is just "Can't Feel My Face" by the nice white boy who made one good song 15 years ago. This is from the fucking Trolls movie. Say what you will about Despicabe Me 2, at least the franchise was semi-original, it had those adorable minions, it wasn't a pure cash grab, and it deserved "Happy." This is just gross.

8) "Don't Let Me Down," by The Chainsmokers ft./Daya

These dudes made "Selfie." What a stunning turnaround.

7) "Hello," by Adele

it's an adele song, i don't know what you want from me

6) "Panda," by Desiigner

i still don't understand why this song popped up on The Life of Pablo in its original form. Like, Kanye was just, "Yo dudes, I found this new track you guys'll really dig," and apparently we did?

5) "Stressed Out," by twenty one pilots

Like, I get it? Their whole thing? But I'm so fucking old.

4) "Work," by Rihanna ft./Drake

There's a video somewhere of a small pig jiggling in time with this song, and I will not find this video, because it is the sort of thing I believe should only be viewed once and permanently burned into the memory. This song is important solely for that incredible video of the jiggling pig.

3) "One Dance," by Drake ft./Kyla & Wizkid

You know what I just realized? I thought many rap records were better than Drake's. I get why Tribe or De La Soul wouldn't make an appearance in the top 100, and I get that Danny Brown has little mainstream appeal, but like Q doesn't get any love on the pop charts? Young Thug only gets in with a feature on a goddamned Usher track? Not enough people listened to YG's "FDT" to make it explode? Drake is really the only rapper the kids like? I just, I wish I understood. And DANCEHALL Drake, at that, easily the worst Drake.

2) "Sorry," by Justin Bieber

1) "Love Yourself," by Justin Bieber

So basically, Justin Bieber did the child star bulshit we expected he would end up doing from the moment we heard “Baby,” and then we released some jams and we forgave him for being a shit, because that’s what we do, “Ignition (Remix)” made the world forget R. Kelly peed on a minor, “Love Yourself” could’ve gotten Biebs exonerated for any number on crimes. He couldn’t pee on a minor, it’s not like legendary, but vandalism and DUIs, hell yeah, “Lose Yourself” can cover that. But: did “Love Yourself” need Biebs to be “Love Yourself?” Did Biebs bring anything to that song that made that song what it is, or is “Love Yourself” a song that would still be killer even if they gave it to like Gnash or some other chucklefuck?

THE TOP TEN OF THIS GROUP OF 100, EXCEPTING THINGS I LOVE BUT STRONGLY FEEL SHOULD BE DISQUALIFIED 10) “Starving,” by Hailee Steinfeld & Grey ft./Zedd 9) “Don’t,” by Bryson Tiller 8) “On My Mind,” by Ellie Goulding 7) “Gold,” by Kiiara 6) “All the Way Up,” by Fat Joe & Remy Ma ft./French Montana & Infared 5) “Cake by the Ocean,” by DNCE 4) “Starboy,” by The Weeknd 3) “I Took a Pill in Ibiza,” by Mike Posner 2) “Sorry,” by Beyonce 1) “Closer,” by The Chainsmokers ft./Halsey

[theartfuldodger26]

For the prompt I'll be predictable: Harry Potter, Bellamort and Bellatrix 😁

Thanks for the prompts, @bellamort1993! Feel free to answer the same :) 

001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

Favorite character:

 Bellatrix Lestrange and Voldemort.

 Bella is the closest to my heart, but apparently I waste the most         brainmatter on Tom/Voldemort, so *shrugs*

Harry is my favourite light character, he’s an admirable person.

Least Favorite character:

Umbridge, as is universally accepted.

Favorite ships (canon or non-canon):

Bellamort (which is canon, bitches)

Delphi/Harry (it will become canon, you just wait for TCC part3)

Tomarry but not Harrymort (nearly counts as canon judging by how often Harry gushes over handsome Tom’s face)

Drarry (I’m human and susceptible to fandom mainstream, plus there’s some fantastic fics out there)

Delphi/Victoire (cause two pretty, hot-headed ladies are my cup of tea any day)

Character I find most attractive:

Bellatrix, hands down. Then Voldemort can do things to me too, but Bella would be my first choice.it’s so nice being bi, isn’t it.

Character I would marry:

No one, I’m happy by myself.

Delphi can be my angsty fuck buddy with whom we meet every once in a while, bitch, get drunk, cry and fuck.

Character I’d be friends with:

Harry, tho I’m not the best of friends and he does bring an unappealing high mortality rate to any occasion. It’s fiiine. 

a random thought:

The wizarding world makes zero sense in so many places. They haven’t had an Industrial Revolution, meaning they haven’t known first hand the new ideas that came with it, and they seem to be stuck in the Middle Ages in many ways, even if they dont seem extremely Christian as these times actually were. We know little about the political system and their beliefs are so random. It’s really confusing.

An unpopular opinion:

Idk what’s unpopular these days. Aside from Albus’ name, I actually liked the Epilogue.

It showed what we needed to know: that Harry and the rest made it out okay. They found the courage to face their destroyed community and rebuild, even though they had gone through enough during the war. I think JKR said it herself in an interview how important rebuilding is after a catastrophe, how it can daunt even the bravest people. The miracles of Japan and Germany bouncing back and better after WWII are relevant real-life examples here. 

A married Harry, enthusiastic about hugging his kids goodbye on their first day of school, a day that to him symbolises a new beginning, is the greatest gift and it does not erase the pain he might feel every day for going through hell in his early life. In fact, it’s this snipet of normalcy what he craved as a boy and refused to daydream about because its weight would be too much,and now he gets to have it. Along with the nightmares and the PTSD and the new challenges yes, but now, in this moment, as he waves to the new generation that he helped create, he’s safe, loved and happy. He deserves it. 

Second unpopular opinion: I don’t give a damn if McGonagall’s timeline is screwed up by bringing her to life in the 20′s. Didn’t really matter to the story before and she’s a freaking badass and comic relief, which is the best combo ever. Is it fan-bating or whatever it was called? Sure. But if she makes the story better with her presense I give minus two fucks about when JKR originally said she was born (also, newsflash: people have the right to change HC’s, especially people who don’t shit about maths, like our dear creator) 

My Canon OTP:

           BELLAMORT

Seriously, I have screenshoted the details of TCC where it shows they’re canon.

My Non-canon OTP:

            Harry/Delphi

I know, I’m sick, it’s fine. *insert dog sipping coffee in the flaming house meme here*

Most Badass Character:

Bellatrix, handsdown.

McGonagall for good people.

Most Epic Villain:

Voldemort, we’d have no books without him. He can be dumb, but it’s cute. 

Pairing I’m not a fan of:

I’m not huge on non-canon Hermione ships, and anything with Snape is gross.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another):

…Snape? Not his character, but the positive light she gave him by naming Harry’s kid after him. It appeared she was clear on him not being an admirable person, but then he’s the bravest bloke ever? No, ma’am.

On a Fantastic Beasts note, I do hope they handle the backstories of all characters well. We’ll surely get back to this after the FB series are over.

 Favourite Friendship:

The Golden Trio, they work as a three-man-group better, I won’t devide them. Also, as a part-time writer I have to admire how the writing and dynamics were handled, it’s so hard to think as more than one person, not to mention three!

Character I most identify with:

PostAzkaban!Bellatrix feels she’s letting her master and herself down, and so do I. I keep looking for my former self. Who wasn’t much after all, but had some qualities I should recultivate.

Character I wish I could be:

… I’d like to have some Bellamort qualities that I lack, but in general I’m fine working on myself.  

002 | Send me a ship and I will tell you:

When I started shipping them:

After I finished the books, so that’s since 2007. 12 cool, angsty years. 

My thoughts:

I love them, they’re my evil babies. In fact, I don’t even have reasons for loving them, as most shippers do, I’d just die for them, end of reasoning.

What makes me happy about them:

That they’re complicately made for each other in their unique goth way. And that in the end they had a kid, which I think helped Voldemort out a lot with his issues with intimacy and emotions.

What makes me sad about them:

That they died *sobs hysterically*.

Also in the books they have like two scenes together. (HE SCREAMED THO)

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

Seeing Bella’s character butchered down to a snivelling, slavish idiot, though these aren’t Bellamort fics usually.

In Bellamort fics, it feels like a cheat when it says Bellamort but it’s just Bella pining and Voldemort really not caring. I don’t have a problem with the POV, but it needs to be tagged as unrequited. Otherwise I’m open to perspectives.

Things I look for in fanfic:

Good writing, mostly.

I’m also a huge fan of Muggle!AU’s, so if you have that, I’ll read it, no questions asked XD

My wishlist:

On Amazon? :P Fine, I’ll show myself out

I presume this means wishlist on fics/art with these two, but do correct me if I’m wrong. I dont have one, since I write myself, so whatever I want to read, I write. Right now I’m eager to finish the following Bellamort fics:

1. Harry finds out about Bellamort via looking through Voldy’s stuff.

2. BellaDiesButVoldyWins!AU

3. Voldemort discovers his breastfeeding kink

4. A therewasonlyonebed!fic 

5. Tomarry turns Bellamort in Easter setting, Muggle!AU, Harry wets himself in the process

In general I’d say I’d like to see more classic, tropy fanfics with these two, lighter ones, you know. Angst is great, but let us enjoy the coffeeshop!AU too.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

Alone and miserable.

I guess Bella would have been okay with Rodolphus, had Tom/Voldemort never been born.

And Voldemort/Tom would have been fine too with some nameless pretty woman he did not love but had to marry to keep face.

But I think that they would have never been truly happy with anyone else. especially Tom, he’d never be really comfortable with anyone.

My happily ever after for them:

VoldemortWins!AU, they conquer Europe, Bella is Minister for War, Voldemort the Emperor. Maybe they have a kid, maybe a couple more or none at all, who cares, the point is they live and fulfull their dreams of revolutionising the Wizarding Wolrd.

I also have a sappy afterlife!AU where for a while Bella is imprisoned at the family castle for having a halfblood little bastard, goes half-insane as Voldemort seacrhes for her (they had a spat right after they got there), and Delphi kills herself and goes to find her dad in small-child form. They finally get tgether and live deathly ever after in some Norwegian fjord in the frozen tundra. (it’s also my personal happy ending, only it’s cats and snakes)

003 | Give me a character & I will tell you:

How I feel about this character:

I love Bella. She’s a bitch and a sadist, but I love her.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character:

The one and only, his majesty the Dark Lord himself.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character:

Rodolphus, he’s her only friend.

Also, sad HC: Bella was very close to Andromeda until she got too involved with Voldemort and his cause, and they drifted apart. No one wept harder than Bella after Andy left, and it was her who spent days banging on the Tonks’ door to let them speak to her. Voldy could squeeze tears out of his shirt after she fell asleep on him crying about it.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

Again, not sure about what’s unpopular.

I believe she suffers from genuine mental illness that tortures her a lot and makes her life (and her shared life with Voldemort too) very hard. Also I find her more self-doubting and reserved than most authors, hard working and largely indifferent to people who aren’t Voldemort.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

Actual romantic scene would have been nice, but HE SCREAMED after all. Let’s not ask for too much.

Favorite friendship for this character:

Rodolphus and Andromeda. Recently I’ve started Brotp-ing Sirius with Bella too, before they parted ways.

My crossover ship:

I don’t really have any other fandoms, sorry.

Well, that was fun! Thanks again!