#is this a baffling set of songs? probably. alas.

[essektheylyss]

hot take: "Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene" goes SO hard and of all of Hozier's songs, it gets absolutely NO credit for slapping as much as it does.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Is It Really THAT Bad?

Cats has been a divisive show ever since it opened in 1981. Some people hate it for being a plotless spectacle that focuses more on the visuals than on music and story, while others love it for those same reasons, as well as for being utterly campy and fun. I’m firmly in the latter category, to the point I can’t  really comprehend the opposition to the film. Stuff like the jab at this film in The Critic or the mockery of it in Hey Arnold just seem weird to me; what is it about this fun, silly musical about cats that makes people’s blood boil so much?

Perhaps all these people saw into the future where the film was released.

Cats had a long, troubled history getting from stage to screen. In the 90s, Amblimation was set to make an animated version of the movie, set during the Blitz of WWII. Unfortunately, the inability of writers to find a way to turn this episodic showcase of random singing cats into a cohesive narrative combined with the failure of Amblimations films caused the project to dissolve, leaving behind nothing but some really cool concept art. 

But see, this perfectly demonstrates the problem with adapting Cats: the musical is a spectacle, a showcase, it’s all about the dancing, costumes, and the songs. It doesn’t have a story to speak of, instead contenting itself with showing us a bunch of different cats and having them sing about themselves for a bit before moving on to the next cat. Sure, there’s a bit of continuity and whatnot, but this really isn’t the sort of show that’s trying to deliver a deep narrative. It just wants you to have a good time, nothing more, nothing less.

No one told any of this to Tom Hooper, apparently. This director of the grounded, gritty, realistic adaptation of Les Mis was tapped to utilize this same style in a musical about magical singing cats, all while not even knowing what catnip is or how animation works. Hooper was apparently constantly butting heads with the VFX team due to his lack of understanding of how animating works. He tried to get the team to watch videos of cats performaing the stuff he wanted and forced them to give 90 hour work weeks, cementing Tom Hooprt as one of the biggest douchebags imaginable. On top of all this, the guy tried to weave this plotless showcase of felines into a cohesive narrative, and tapped a bunch of talent of various degrees of questionability to play parts. And what was the result?

An absolute disaster. The film was savaged by critics, with most positives being that the film was so bad it’s good. The film (of course) won a bunch of Razzies, and was the subject of mockery and memes before, after, and during its run in theaters. Hell, as soon as the trailer dropped, the film was mocked to death. Not helping was the rushed VFX which, again, was due to the team being under pressure from a draconian idiot who had no idea what he was doing. The film received an unprecedented bug fix, so to speak, in the form of an updated version with slightly better VFX that was shipped to theaters after the initial negative reaction. This obviously did nothing to help the movie’s reputation, of course. Hell, even in my initial review, I wasn’t super keen on the film. Most damning of all, though, was Andrew Lloyd Webber himself calling the film ridiculous, and even said "The problem with the film was that Tom Hooper decided that he didn’t want anybody involved in it who was involved in the original show."

But after ruminating on it, and after watching the film once more, I’ve decided to ask the usual question: Is it really that bad? It’s weird to ask this about a film that’s so new; I usually wait for hindsight to kick in, and look at older films considered bad. But even now, Cats is building up a reputation as a campy cult classic, with such figures as Martin “LittleKuriboh” Billamy watching the film with alarming frequency. And after reading the nightmarish behind the scenes and considering everything… yeah, I think this film deserves a re-evaluation.

This is going to be a little different, though: I’m sort of going to go through the film part by part, since this film has an interesting issue where, generally speaking, the first half is where the worst problems are, and the second half is where things start to pick up. So let’s get the bad out of the way first, then move onto the good.

THE BAD

So, I’m actually not going to pick on the VFX too much, and not just because of the horrible treatment of the VFX artists. In all honesty, the weird human/cat people, while not even remotely as cool as the insane costumes of the stage show, eventually stop being super distracting and kind of just become something you accept. Like, I’m not gonna pretend like this work is amazing, but I dunno, I think it gets harped on too much. There is some stuff that stands out as noticeably bad, though, and we’ll get to that.

A consistent problem with the film that I can’t even try to defend is the problem with the scaling. It’s seriously hard to tell how big these cats are supposed to be in relation to anything else. They honestly seem to change size from scene to scene. It’s seriously weird and baffling and there’s never any way to get a good sense of scale. Even when the cats are alongside mice and roaches, it just boggles the mind what size anything is actually supposed to be.

Mr. Mistoffelees, one of the most flamboyant and enjoyable characters of the stage show, is one of the biggest character issues with the film. Gone is the tricky, confident magician who prances and dances, and here is a meek, sniveling twerp who can barely do anything without tripping over himself. This is because the actor who plays him had a terrible audition that left him miserable due to a lack of singing and dance background. So, rather than find someone who could, you know, sing and dance, they decided to rewrite Mr. Mistoffelees into comic relief, which is just an insulting slap in the face. The cherry on top of course is how they straightwash the character and excise his homoerotic tension with Rum Tum Tugger, instead making him completely and totally straight and giving him a thing for Victoria. Out of everyone in the entire film, they did Mr. Mistoffelees the dirtiest.

Now, let’s get onto the actual “plot.” The film actually starts out fairly well, with some cool shots, good dancing, and some setup for Macavity, whose intro has a neat little nod to the fact he’s based on Moriarty. The issues don’t really start showing up until we reach the first of the Jellicle choices… Jennyanydots.

Jennyanydots is portrayed by Rebel Wilson, which is the first issue. Rebel Wilson is probably one of the worst actresses ever. She is just a horrendously, relentlessly unfunny human being, and she brings that exact quality to her role here. For her song, the vocal talent is secondary to the cringeworthy comedy Wilson puts on display. And yet, somehow, Wilson isn’t the worst part of the scene. No, that would be the horrendous CGI human-faced mice and roaches, which look like they came out of a PS3 game.

This horrendous spectacle is followed up with the appearance of Rum Tum Tugger, portrayed by Jason Derulo. I’m of two minds about this. On the one hand, I do think Derulo has the necessary egotistical celebrity swagger to play Rum Tum Tugger (especially when you consider he responded to negative criticisms of the film by calling the movie  “one of the greatest pieces of art ever made”) and his design is actually one of the better ones in the film, but on the other hand, his singing and the musical choice for his song are not very impressive and really just doesn’t work all too well. It’s at least something of a step up from Rebel Wilson and her CGI abominations, but that’s not really saying much, is it?

Next up we have Bustopher Jones, played by James Corden and, if I’m being totally honest… he’s not quite as awful as he could be. Corden is basically the male equivalent to Rebel Wilson, but at least while he’s singing he manages to be somewhat amusing, whimsical, and enjoyable even. The problem comes when he throws in jokes, including one where he claims to be self-conscious about his weight… a joke that occurs in the middle of his song where he is bragging about how fat he is. Talk about sending mixed messages. I wish I didn’t have to be so harsh on Bustopher, but sadly he is bogged down by really bad shtick.

Bustopher Jones also highlights a problem with the cats in this first half. These minor roles – Jennyanydots, Rum Tum Tugger, and Bustopher Jones – are all being played by relatively big celebrities, and as such they’re going to want a lot of time to sing. As a result, songs that were ensemble numbers on stage become more one-man songs here, with Bustopher Jones being the most egregious example, turning this positive fat character into a walking James Corden fat joke as he sings his own praises rather than having his praises sung.

Following him up we have Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, who are usually fun characters with a fun little pseudo-villain song, but alas, they manage to screw that up by using a slow, jazzy version of the song originally used in earlier London productions rather than the more up-tempo version from later productions, making the song sound awkward and forgettable. Topping it all off is the bargain bin Mr. M popping in at the end for some wacky shenanigans, but at this point, the movie takes a turn towards…

THE GOOD

So as soon as Dame Judi Dench shows up as Old Deuteronomy, the film gets a sort of inverse of what happened at the start. Where the film starts somewhat awkward and promising, it slowly gets stupider and stupider when Rebel Wilson, Jason Derulo, and James Corden botch their scenes in the ways described above. Here, things start a bit shaky and unsure, but Dench is a sign things are about to pick up. What makes her so enjoyable is how, despite how utterly silly things are, she treats her role with the dignity and gravitas of something out of Shakespeare. The only thing as good as an actor in a silly movie like this going full-on ham and cheese is an actor treating their role dead serious and injecting it with such class and dignity you can’t help but enjoy it. Thankfully, Dench isn’t the only person to take her role seriously.

Jennifer Hudson as Grizabella technically appears briefly in the earlier portions of the film, but here we get to hear her belt out “Memory,” and by god does she do a fantastic job. The raw emotion and passion she injects into Grizabella is phenomenal, and it’s even more powerful when it comes back for its reprise in the finale. Victoria gets a sort of response song to “Memory,” called “Beautiful Ghosts,” and it’s a decent song in its own right, but you can tell it was a more modern composition and it just doesn’t gel super well with the rest of the songs. Still, all this is good stuff, and the “Memory”/”Beautiful Ghosts” scene is a nice, refreshing bit of emotion after the incredibly weird and silly extended dance number that is the Jellicle Ball.

The movie doesn’t stop pulling punches; shortly after Grizabella we are given Gus the theater cat, an elderly actor whose number is all about reminiscing of the old days of theater and his many stellar roles from days gone by. Naturally, the only actor who could possibly perform this role properly is Sir Ian McKellan. I am completely unironic when I say this: This is to McKellan what Patrick Stewart’s performance of Xavier in Logan is. This sounds ridiculous, but think of it: Gus is an aging thespian, clearly a bit senile and desiring to be reborn because he has reached the end of the line, and McKellan fills him with this genuine, incredibly honest performance that really makes you feel emotional. It’s powerful. It feels so personal and resonant, like McKellan has inserted some of his own feelings into his performance, which may very well be the case. Oh, and after his song Macavity kidnaps him with a big autograph book and apparates away while saying his name, which gets me every time.

And now, my friends, the lord and savior arrives: Skimbleshanks.

This is, hands down, the best scene in the entire film. Everything comes together here: the music is absolutely fantastic, the dancing is choreographed extremely well, and it’s clear that everyone involved is having a blast. This is a concentrated essence of what Cats should be, and it’s really a shame Hooper didn’t understand that this is the energy needed for the entire production. The most crucial element, of course, is Steven McRae, who not only has a lovely singing voice and looks dapper as all hell in his red suspenders, but is a tap dancing maniac. This man has feet of fire, and his tapping adds a whole new layer of fun to the song. Overall, this is a perfect scene, and probably one of my favorite scenes in any film ever. For a brief four minutes, everything about this film works. I literally have no idea why this cat wants to be reincarnated, he is straight balling in this life.

But the hits don’t stop! Right after this song, Taylor Swift descends from the ceiling, and we get “Macavity.” In the stage productions, this is a song sung by Bombalurina to describe how nasty Macavity is, since she’s traditionally a good cat; here, she’s reimagined as a villain, and so this song is basically her acting as Macavity’s hype man, singing his dastardly praises, and best of all, Macavity joins in at the end! I’m certainly not a Taylor Swift fan, but she really kills it here, and definitely makes this one of the best songs in the movie with her hilariously forced accent and insane energy. It’s just a shame that from here on out Macavity ditches his villainous pimp coat and is now a nude Idris Elba, but I suppose this is equivalent exchange for Skimbleshanks being so amazing.

While not as incredible as the previous two songs and not quite as good as the stage version due to the removal of the latent homoeroticism, Mr. Mistoffelees’s song is actually okay. It’s nice that he gets to sing his own praises here, but it’s just nothing compared to the stage version, even if it has a fun little finale and it actually is genuinely heartwarming when Old Deuteronomy returns and sings along. It’s a sweet moment that almost makes up for how much Mr. M has sucked the whole movie. Oh, also, all of the Jellicle choices Macavity kidnapped fight back against their captor Growltiger, with Skimbleshanks aggressively tapdancing at him and Gus using his acting skills to make him fall into the Thames. This is so goofy that it wraps back around to being awesome.

The movie winds down in the goofiest way possible after the gorgeous reprise of “Memory,” with Macavity being caught on a big sculpture and apparently running out of magic, leaving him stranded like a regular cat. Then we get one final fourth-wall breaking song where Judi Dench directly addresses the camera that has the music swell up to the point where it seems like the song is ending numerous times without actually ending, and each time is funnier than the last. Really, what better way could you end such a silly film than with this?

Now, a general thing that’s great about the film is the choreography. The dancing in the movie is spectacular. I don’t really have a bad thing to say about it. And, in a broad sense, the music is good too, even if the singers aren’t always perfect, the backing tracks are great, and there’s a lot of fun in the tracks in the latter half of the movie. McRae and Taylor Swift’s contributions in particular are great, and Hudson’s version of “Memory” is incredibly powerful, as is McKellan’s take on Gus’ song.

Is It Really THAT Bad?

No.

Look, it’s hard to be like “Wow this is a fantastic masterpiece of film” or anything like that, because the movie has blatant and evident problems. But this is literally the reason I made this review series; I’m asking if the movie is really as bad as people say, and in this case, no, there’s too much genuinely enjoyable in the film for me to say it’s deserving of several Razzies and a spot on the Bottom 100 of IMDB that places it above Master of Disguise and The Emoji Movie. Like, seriously? This is worse than the 90 minute commercial starring the abusive dick who called a bomb threat on his girlfriend? Hell, this movie is rated worse than Artemis Fowl, which is definitely a contender for the worst film ever made (and amusingly enough also features Judi Dench in it). Artemis Fowl has next to no redeeming qualities in it, and it certainly doesn’t have Skimbleshanks, whereas Cats has several fun scenes and also has Skimbleshanks.

I definitely think there’s more of an argument for this film being so bad it’s good or camp at best, but it’s definitely more enjoyable than you’d think it would be. If you can learn to live with the weird CGI, it’s a fun, goofy romp that you might find yourself feeling for at times. After my second watch, I have to say… I’ve started to unironically enjoy this movie. It might even be one of my favorites of all time. I can’t even deny that it has a lot of stuff I don’t like, and it falls flat in a lot of ways the 1998 film soars, and it screwed up some of my favorite characters… but there are so many moments where the fun and heart of Cats shines through brighter than it has any right to, and all the failures of Hooper and Universal seem distant for a just a few minutes.

So yeah, is this movie good all around? No way. But is it fun, does it have value, and is there more redeeming qualities than the critics let on? Oh yes there is.

[sepublic]

Miscellaneous things I enjoyed after Hazbin Hotel’s premiere...

-Honestly, this was just a really great and absolutely hilarious pilot and visually stunning. A lot of the jokes were already pretty great, but there were also a few that just hit hard. Like, ‘baffled me because of how outlandish and well-executed it was’ hard. 

-Sir Pentious’ reaction to Angel Dust calling him ‘Daddy’ means either A) He’s shot enough people with his ‘raygun’ in life that him having a child is a possibility he’s considered or B) He has an actual son he knows about that he’s been expecting for, well, obvious reasons. Probably the former since he was alive well over a hundred years ago, though.

(Also, Angel just being outright baffled by Pentious’ reaction. Like, the execution of the animation of the characters’ faces and the sound effects that go along with them is SO superb!)

-Charlie immediately calling out Katie Killjoy’s homophobia by reminding everyone that she is in, quite literally, Hell.

-Tom is just on fire during Charlie and Killjoy’s fight. We never see WHY he’s on fire, he just IS. We don’t HOW he’s on fire- Maybe it was Charlie, or it was Killjoy. Do either of them have flame powers? I think I saw Charlie use them, but that was in her song and might just be a visual effect. Either way, Tom is ablaze even though he has nothing to do with this fight, and we just immediately cut to this fact with no buildup, leading the viewer to come up with whatever absurd story that led to this. Alas, poor Tom!

(Also, I’m pretty sure workplace regulations require places to have fire extinguishers nearby, so I have to wonder if the person who designed the studio went to Hell for neglecting this little thing... alongside a lot of other probably intentional mistakes.)

-Those small, smiley-face shots of the characters. I... I love them.

-I already loved Niffty and knew I was going to like her, but even so I was still caught back by how goddamn adorable she is. Alastor holding her up like a little kitten, just everything... Though I am concerned over her fixation on there being a lack of men in the hotel. Like, she seems very concerned over this, and I’m starting to wonder if Niffty may have had an obsession over a dude(s?) in her life that went a little too far...

-Charlie and Vaggie are, again, just adorable.

-The outfits in Alastor’s musical number! The outfits! They look so classy and old-timey and stylish and now I want to see all of the other characters in them!

-Honestly, the pilot introduced and got to the point of a lot of things surprisingly quickly and well, all things considered. I feel most of the cuts worked out, so while you didn’t see everything, you saw enough to understand exactly what happened. I was concerned with how Vivzie would juggle her budget and time with all the stuff she needed to establish and get out of the way, but I feel it was very well done.

-Lucifer is a bad dad to Charlie- I mean, he IS the devil. I’m not surprised, just... disappointed in him.

-Whatever emotion Alastor exudes when Angel makes his ‘offer’ is incredibly powerful and potent. How to describe it exactly, I’m not sure- Was it disbelief? Disgust? Disappointment? Some other D-word? I’m not 100% on how Alastor felt, but I FELT it nevertheless.

-We also got a quick cameo of Rosie, who I think from what we’ve seen just ordered a hit on her (former) partner.

-The Angel spears at the beginning looked familiar, and now I remember why! They’re Vaggie’s... or rather, the other way around- I remember Vivzie mentioning that Demons can only truly die from Angel weapons, and as a result there’s a black market for them. I find it a neat reference and suitable for Vaggie’s character to have this sort of thing.

-There’s an ominous shot of Lillith at the beginning, and she’s brooding and thinking about SOMETHING, so what is it???

-All in all the whole pilot felt very suitably chaotic and energetic. I can understand if some people think the sound-effects were a bit much, and in some places they were... But overall I think it just really contributed to a very lively, manic atmosphere, probably the kind Alastor might like.

-Also, Alastor’s motivations amounting to ‘It’s funny to watch people fail so I’ll set them up to succeed but then they’ll fail. I’m not even going to sabotage them I just KNOW they’ll screw themselves over no matter what.’

-I really want MORE, and I hope the reception leads to some network or something picking up the series??? Regardless, this was well worth the year-and-a-half-ish wait. (I didn’t find out about Hazbin Hotel until the trailer came out)

[mollyphoria]

(off my chest post.)

As soon as I turned the age of 27 last year it was like I've been awaken from a cruel false dream. I opened my eyes then boom I see 27 years of my life laid out in front of me wasted. Yes it took 27 effin years for me to wake up. I wasted all this years and now I'm suffering the consequences of not following my heart, now I'm suffering the repercussions for not realising my dreams sooner as well as pursuing them. I don't believe in myself enough to stand for what I really want so I let society dictate me. I dont love myself enough to believe that I have the capabilities to follow my dreams, luck wasn't on my side too,the odds were never in my favor. So yes I guess I blame both myself and the circumstances given to me on why I failed in life. I failed myself. Society failed me. The system failed me. Oh how I envy people who were able to realise their dreams when they were a kid. these people mostly turns out to be the successful ones in life while I'm left in shambles of not knowing what to do or having such a huge dream I knew I would never reach it. I wanted to become a supermodel but I'm not pretty and tall enough plus I'm from a country not supported by society on having supermodels. Then I wanted to be a rock star. Touring the world, playing the guitar, performing on stage. I can probably make this happen but once again I don't believe in myself and lack of support from family/society was what made this dream seem to get more impossible. I would like to pursue the arts anything from singing, dancing,writing ,painting,drawing etc but I let myself be influenced by what our society drills in my head everyday that there's no money with any of these endeavours so I never got serious to try to achieve greatness from these "useless, juvenile" dreams and plus you need God-given talent to qualify pursuing the arts and I don't have an ounce of it.

So as time goes by I continued to grow older like a dead leaf flailing around in the wind without a specific direction but downwards. But deep-rooted in my soul I knew what I wanted but I chose to stupidly ignore that little voice in my heart that tells me what to do. I to this day continue to beat myself up why I haven't even tried to listen to myself.

So what I did was to completely surrender myself to settle for a lesser,smaller dream that I could possibly reach according to the circumstances I'm handed with

I took up a course in college that I felt at the time would be something I would enjoy and easy,cheap enough to simply graduate and have that diploma just for the sake of it. When I got into the real world and became a full pledge adult for the first time ever I got hit by depression and that's when I first acknowledge that I'm not made for this at all but what I did instead of abandoning it was to try again and aim higher which is to have my own wings and to fly high in the sky and see the world. I held on to that dream. I went to school again. For a moment I had a purpose and for the first time I had direction. I thought I found myself as I try to get those wings. I thought that this will be my redemption. I made myself to believe that I'm meant to do this. I went above and beyond to achieve success. But alas I continued to be the chosen reject and once again odds weren't exactly on my favor and I have given up by the time I'm 27 years old. This is when it all crashed down on me I was chasing a dream gone dead all those years and basically wasted my youth as a result and gained nothing at the end. And I have to admit that i somewhat resent God for putting this dream to flourish in my heart but never gave me a breakthrough to even achieve it. I was left beaten and destroyed. I slaved myself away for nothing, experienced all those sufferings for nothing. I got nothing for all those sacrifices and hardwork I did. Literally all those blood,sweat and tears were for absolutely nothing at the end. I was utterly broken down,my heart was utterly crushed nothing left but broken pieces and a whirlpool of regret. If even this small, mediocre dream I settle myself for is still unattainable for me then my life is no longer worth living. I then proceed to wallow on self pity and resentment and went down to the worst depression I've ever experience in my life. Tears kept on falling like faucets in my eyes. Every streak of effort, energy, motivation ,hope left my body,mind and soul altogether. I turned ultimately dead inside. I don't have anything left in me to even pretend to continue fighting my way into this world. I can't even help myself to help myself. it's like I already died and what was left is just a hollow husk of my former self.

At 27 yrs old i went back to zero. I'm left with nothing to hope for, I didn't gain anything from all the things I went through. After Having the painful knowledge that the journey I made for myself all throughout my teenage to mid twenties is only to become of worthless dust and vomit at the end it made me inevitably bitter about life in general. I started acknowledging thoughts of dying for real. How I realized that it's better to be dead than to be alive, how I wish to have never been born at all. I missed all of these opportunities to win in life and I felt like giving up. Because Life is Suffering nothing more nothing less we will continue to suffer coz that whats life for this is the true meaning of life we are just put here to live so we can suffer and I'm not cut out for it I'm too weak to even restart again.

I realized alot of things. When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the future. I was foolishly, completely convinced that my life will get better as I get older and now that I'm older it turned out to be such a stupid thought coz life didn't get better it only gotten worse and it could only get worst from here on out.

Starting now I shouldn't hope for things to change for the better. It's dangerous to have a false hope and I swear to myself that I wouldn't let myself be fueled by false hope anymore.

And now that it's October I will turn a year older unless I cease to exist first.

I'm honestly scared of the future, now that I can see the true essence of it in its whole entirety.

At 28 I'm running out of time.

I missed the chance to get my life stable.

At 28 I'm entirely clueless on how to get my shit together and I don't even think I have the strength to improve myself. I felt like I just don't care anymore.

At 28 I should have already bought my mother a new house instead I'm stuck and rotting away in a room at her own old house.

At 28 I'm still miserable asf

Still bitter asf

Still dumb asf

Still doubtful asf

Still a loser asf

Let me discuss the thoughts I have about this song 28 of Agust D. This song single handedly describes the anxiety I feel for getting older. The fact that the age he pertained on the title of this song is 28 exactly the age I'm about to turn into soon just solidifies the strong grip it acquired to hold my heart and soul. I felt extremely lucky to turn 28 at the same year with someone as genius as him (tho his 27 international age) nevertheless I'm thankful about this.

Tho there are things that I'm honestly confuse about him having the same fears with someone like me who's a nobody without any single awards, recognitions, accolades or any kind of impact to the world, who's not loved and praised by millions nor have millions of money in my bank account, who doesn't have a big house,big cars nor big rings.

It baffles the living daylights out of me that a person like Min Yoongi who achieved so much in life would feel scared about not knowing his dreams is really about as he gets older. He basically achieved every single one of the dreams I have for myself. His overly set for life that his great great great great great grandchildren will be also set for life. His life wasn't the same like before. His life changed for the better . He earns millions of money by doing what he loves at such a young age. He simply won in life.

We are both 28 but the life I'm bestowed in is the utmost opposite of the life his bestowed in. I'm at the loser end of the spectrum while his in the winner side yet we share somewhat the same fears and anxiety about having to grow older.

This made me question if happiness is really just an illusion. well the genuine authentic euphoric kind of happiness.

Is existence all really just a one big mess with occasional ephemeral pleasure?

If a person who accomplished so much at only 28 still feels depression what's left for me then should I just go kill myself?

Alot of the reasons why I got into this level of depression is because I didn't fulfill anything Yoongi fulfilled.well I'm not really into fame so much but i hope i succeeded on not having to worry about whether I could buy a house or rent an apartment. Yoongi could buy a building for himself while I can't even afford a bedspace of my own

Yoongi could travel the whole world in a whim while I'm mostly stuck in the same place

The stark contrast of our lives is so immense I cant even get my head wrapped around it

My only dillema is that I'm afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live

It's been proven to me now that living in this world is not really living at all it's just purely surviving and I can't deal with this

I'd rather die than to be a slave to the system. And it seems like I don't even have a choice maybe to disappear is the only way out

I'm just not cut out with the cards I've been dealt with

If only I could voluntarily pull my existence out of here then I would do it in a heartbeat

I wish there is a stop button from all of these

[keyofjetwolf]

GIFTENING Bonus Rounds

For each category, I included a “bonus round” question. YOU GUYS KILLED IT. I loved all the answers, but listed below are some of my particular favourites.

Haruka Tenoh is trapped in the wrong anime! Which would you have her visit next?

I want her to earth shake Kyubey out of existence, please and thank you

My bride is a mermaid. She can relate. :P

i think she would THRIVE in bodacious space pirates. gay teenage space pirates whose job is to dress up, be Dramatic, and rob the wealthy??? that shit is RIGHT up her alley

Hamtaro

Princess Tutu - where the world is finally as dramatic as her

PGSM (and Michiru is trapped with her, for REASONS)

Pokemon because everyone deserves to be happy

Any moe-style series so hijinks can ensue at her being baffled by everyone's ages

1960's Speed Racer

is is this a captcha or something i missed oh god

Free! so she can be indifferent to all the hot men and slightly uncomfortable because she still can't swim. 

Stick Haruka in a Gundam!

Dump her in Pretear or one of the Precures! It would be hilarious! She's never in the genre she wants to be!

Revolutionary Girl Utena, so she can be offended by misuse of roses.

Initial D, she will out-drive and out-drift all those guys and steal all their girls.

Evangelion. I would feel bad to watch her suffer, but it would be so, so funny for her to be the comparatively most normal person around.

Yakitake Japan! SO SHE CAN HAVE A SNACK OF DELICIOUS RIDICULOUS BREAD BEFORE THE NEXT INTERDIMENSIONAL ANIME STORM WHISKS HER AWAY.

The Holograms or the Misfits? DISCUSS

Holograms

both? both. BOTH IS GOOD

misfits bc Evil Ladies Hot

Steven and the stevens

Misfits.  How dare you make us try to think about anything in our lives.

Both, you mad fool. Those combined songs were the best.

The Misfits, their songs are better

The Misgrams: A group of girls who form a singing telegram start up company, but constantly deliver the telegrams to the wrong people.

kimber & stormer

Neither. Limp Lizards all the way. BROKEN GLASS.

I do not know what these things are

Misfits because guitar motorcycle

The Isle of Misfit Holograms

Holograms is just arguably better

I mean, I’m told the Misfits’ songs are better, but my true answer is the band Kimber and Stormer made in that big gay episode you liveblogged (checks) almost four years ago.

I've no idea what these words mean and I hope this does not make me TOO uncool.

this is about jem, right? right?? im hip i swear

Misfits, because Jasper is a member apparently

I don't know from Jem, but I mean...I certainly prefer holographic material to Glenn Danzig? So I guess there's your answer ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The Stingers

LIMP LIZARDS FOREVER

Senshi Band

You can make me liveblog a full series of any show you want! You also hate me. What do you have me watch?

Pick a GoT rip-off, any GoT rip-off

The Bachelor?

The Bachelor :(

depends on how much i hate you, but....probably the bachelor. quantity AND lack of quality

Critical role, it would take forever

If I were a horrible person who sought only malice?  Big Bang Theory.  Entire series.

Toddlers and Tiaras

The Mandalorian - Disney would come after you and kill keyofjetwolf just as dead as keyofnik.  We would all be very sad, you would have to go through a second round of restoring things to a new tumblr account, and your organizational heart would weep over adding yet another hosting site out of chronological order.

You are liveblogging Eva, and must discuss in full detail Shinji's emotional state at all times.

Hannity & Colmes

The Kardashians. And all of their spin offs. *kisses*

The price is right

the bachelor

Probably something with lots of romance and no friendships. Soap operas are like that, right? My college roommate used to watch General Young Light Restless Hospital of Our Lives (which one had Like and Laura?) And it was torture.

One Piece, because it's over 900 episodes so you could maybe do 10% before you die, also you will hate how the women are treated most of the time.

Fushigi Yuugi. Not only do you hate it but it also comes with you squirming when you admit to watching the whole thing. ;) 

Plus belle la vie. It's an ongoing French soap opera that has been airing five days a week since 2004, they're nearing their 4000th episode and there's no end in sight. Imagine all those hours upon hours submerged in French drama, mwahahaha!!

The Bachelor.  Or the Bachelorette, maybe - more straight dudes in that.

The Young and the Restless - IT IS THE LIVEBLOG THAT NEVER ENDS. IT WOULD OUTLAST THE INTERNET.

The entirety of the Bachelor franchise.

You can only play one game for the rest of your life. Which game would it be and why?

Kingdom Hearts Complete Collection. A) I love them. B) I beat the system and get like 10 games instead of one.

Gemcraft. This game actually takes a lifetime to finish.

Hatoful Boyfriend. It is the best game ever created. Feel it in your heart.

that's a mean question and you can't make me answer it

Pathfinder, which you could play for the rest of your life and still never finish.

Civ VI , so I can rule the world without leaving my house.

I am legitimately perturbed by this question and refuse to answer it.

Pokemon Go. I would have nothing else, but I would catch them all.

The Elder Scrolls Skyrim: I'll never run out of side-quests.

Mass Effect--it's the only way I'll get full completion. 

The dinosaur game on Chrome when the internet doesn't connect because my life is monotonous and it's a welcome relief. 

Stardew Valley. Peaceful farmer life and turning my children into doves when I'm bored with them.

Crabs Adjust Humidity

Oh my! A number of things come to mind, not one of them fit for print. Just, you know...*gestures vaguely* sex shit. 

I can't even stick to the ones I play now.

This is the worst of all possible things and I refuse to answer. 

Monopoly, I hate myself :(

Probably Minecraft! I haven't gotten into it because I know if I start I will NEVER STOP. Who would do things like build a hundred foot tall statue of Mako-chan? A-THAT'D BE ME.

the game. Of LIFE! *shrug emoji*

I don't believe I'll tell you, because I AM a salty little fish and it was HARD to cut that 11th choice off my vote.

Holligay and I are going to be the leads in a new buddy film. What's the premise? How does it end?

Be gay do crimes. Thelma and Louise. Duh. :P

I have no idea but only just surviving disaster is how it ends.

You break down in a small town during a roadtrip- your stay is full of hijinks and ends with you teaching the townsfolk the true meaning of friendship.

Doctor Holligay, Esquire, PhD, renowned Jewish femme of many talents, is assigned one Operative Jet Wolf as her bodyguard on a foreign diplomatic mission/vacation/culinary tour of the world ("same difference, shut up, narrator"). One problem: Operative Wolf needs a bodyguard herself, as the good doctor discovers when in one night her toilet is destroyed ("IT WAS A SECURITY THREAT") and Operative Wolf nearly breaks a leg falling down a small set of stairs ("THEY PUT A CLIFF OUTSIDE THE DOOR"). Worldwide shenanigans ensue as Holligay and Operative Wolf learn the true meaning of friendship, and also how to take care of themselves... by taking care of each other.

I’m not sure about the premise, but DEFINITELY it ends in murder.

Someone posted a major spoiler during one of your liveblogs. The two of you track them down seeking revenge. It turns out it was the original creator of the series trying to stop you. For some reason Holligay is a CGI badger.

It's clearly a buddy cop movie, and like all good buddy cop movies, it ends with Doc almost dying, and you saving her, and slapping her wound in the hospital as the credits roll.

It ends as it began: with Holligay roasting you.

A straight detective and her lesbian partner have to solve the case of the missing cinnamon buns.  It ends with nobody getting the guy OR the girl and you drive off into the sunset together, perps behind bars sans cinnamon buns.

I don't know what it's about but I know it will be the only movie that ever existed. 

Holligay is the lesbian chief of staff to you somehow being elected President and she's basically running the country while you're the charming face of the administration

Nerd and cowgirl meet at a bar, justifyingly murder some gross dude, go on the run from the law and have a life-changing road trip, on the way Nazis are punched

carrying a delicate object through a forest after your helicopter goes down

Thelma and Louise, but instead of dying, your deaths are clearly faked and you live on a ranch in Montana with your respective spouses and animals. One time a cop comes by the restaurant/bar you joint own with Doc and says, "You look familiar." Doc, in perfect lesbian, answers, "Jet's just got that criminal look, on account of how much she'd love to steal my cheesecake recipe. More pie?"

Queer Eye with a Straight Goy. The two of you do the show but in your own special ways.

Doc Holligay is the wild-west no-nonsense sheriff. Jet Wolf is the all-fun cyberpunk cop from the future. They punch nazis and argue about food. It ends as a tv series ala B99.

Your lives are already a buddy film, don’t get greedy.

Hands and socks.  You know how it ends.

See Grumpy Old Men for details.  How does it end?  Badly.

I can't imagine the premise, but I'm pretty sure the planet explodes.

A Coen Bros film. It ends poorly.

Wait? You're not already living this now? 

REI HINO

REI HINO

Sure. Why not?

HINO REI

<3<3<3<3

REI HINO!

Rei who? ;)

REI HINOOOOOOOOO

Plush Is being hugged by Zoisite in your banner.

MINAKO AINO

MAKOTO KINO

The best

SOCKS

MICHIRU KAIOH

It's time tooo.... REI! THAT! HINO!

sponsored by Here! curry

LOVES USAGI LOVES REI LOVES USAGI LOVES REI LOVES USAGI LOVES REI LOVES USAGI LOVES REI LOVES USAGI LOVES REI LOVES USAGI LOVES REI LOVES USAGI LOVES REI LOVES USAGI LOVES REI LOVES USAGI LOVES REI LOVES USAGI LOVES REI [THIS REPEATS A LOT A LOT AND IS GLORIOUS] [...] LOVES USAGI LOVES REI LOVES JETWOLF

(THE REAL ONE)

Isn't how you spell Makoto Kino!

THE REAL ONE™

obviously

IS NOT A RHINO

In conclusion: Rei Hino

Rei Hino is giving this Giftening finger guns

BEAUTIFUL, STUNNING, SHOW-STOPPING, TALENTED, AMAZING, WONDERFUL

Hot stuff, lights my fire, blazes it regularly. I am out of fire jokes.

PASSION FLAME, SAILOR MARS

These hot feelings are C'EEEEEST LAAAAA VIIIIIIE c'mon rei-chan why aren't you singing along

IS THE BEST (I know who I'm talking to)

Ara!

DID DOCTOR HOLLIGAY PHD NOMINATE THE OPTION OF TALKING ABOUT MICHIRU KAIOH FOR 6 HOURS!!

If Hot Pocket were to plan One Last Heist, what do you think would be his objective? What would be Mina's role in his master plan?

Master Hot Pocket seeks BREAD. His friend and loyal companion, Mina-pup, acts as a distraction, as he has learned the humans are easily distracted by cute. While she does her sworn duty as Best Friend and Cutest Goodest Girl, probably with lolling tongue and glee at all the pets she receives, he picks the locks on the newly childproofed pantry, and Master Howard H. Pocket FEASTS AS NO CAT HAS BEFORE.

Every bag of flour in Montana; Mina runs distraction with her adorable puppy eyes

Open every container, leave none unmarked. Mina is the lookout who greets whoever comes and is completely ineffective at her job.

TAKE ALL THE FLOUR. Do it straight from the source: FlourCo Inc. What does a 10-pound cat do with eighty thousand tons of flour? If you can't figure that out, there's a reason he's the brains of this outfit. Mina would obviously be the bumbling lovable distraction to security or other people.

Bread.  Mina is The Face who provides distraction to the Keepers of the Bread by walking up to them and being herself.  Mina has absolutely no idea that Hot Pocket is using her in this manner because Hot Pocket is that Machiavellian, but Mina is a pocket full of sunshine in canine form and probably would just be happy to help out.

Hot Pocket knows that no mammal of the floor believes in flour anymore. It went away a long time ago. It doesn't exist. But what he also knows is that they're wrong. A lack of opposable thumbs won't hide the truth from him. He'll find the stash, and when he does, he'll stick his paw in it. Mina, with her limited climbing skills, will lick its remains from his claw and prove his discovery. As well as provide a warm place to curl up on for the aftermath of their adventure.

His goal is to sample every edible thing he can get his teeth on. Mina pulls triple duty as step stool, distraction, and scape goat

The Silver Crystal. Mina would play the role of Sailor V.

He is getting ALL THE FLOUR. Mina is a lovable distraction.

Looting all the carbs in the pantry. mina is distraction.

mina's role would be the "dopey" but talented best friend who it looks like HP is going to betray for the sake of the plan but then it all comes together when HP mounts a dramatic rescue. i dunno i'm still in film mode from that last one.

The Holy Bread Locked Within the Cupboard.  Mina would be the distraction, but she'd forget what she was supposed to be distracting from and end up leading you to him.

I am the Void. I am the Night. I am the Darkness with no hope of dawn. The Flour trembles before me in it's bleached fluffiness. It shall not escape my chaos, which will descend upon it like the Terrors of the Deep, claws and teeth and gnashing. It will howl at my claws. It will scream for my teeth, sharp and white, stars in the night of my fur. I shall tend and tear and -- Dammit, Dog-thing! How am I supposed to be terrible and terrifying with you wagging your tail and panting at me!? Oh, you found a good warm sunbeam? I guess I can stalk stuff later. I am the Void. I shall absorb the Sun's light and warmth and bring it into my Darkness where it cannot escape...

I'm new here and don't know all the complex lore of Jetwolf(fairly sure Mina is dog), so I'm going to assume that Hot Pocket is an actual hot pocket and his heist is robbing Fort Knox using Mina as his loyal stead/get away car. Then he explodes a microwave or something.

i lik the bred

Mina as the distraction while he takes one last tastes of EVERYTHING 

objective--stealing more chips; Mina--surprise betrayal 

The scene: Mama Jet's pantry The Objective: the bag of cake flour Aunt Doc made Mama Jet buy but she's never used Mina: confused but excited escape vehicle and/or scapegoat

RAIDING THE KING ARTHUR FLOUR FACTORY. Mina is of course adorable and keeps everyone's attention while Hot Pocket swan dives into the flour like Uncle Scrooge

Hot Pocket would definitely try to steal a monument, Carmen SanDiego style. Mina, of course, is the multi-talented and super cute face of the operation.

I have no idea who Hot Pocket is

HP would try to scale the tallest building in the world. Not to steal anything, just to be up there. Mina would be the adorable diversion.

It would be to get whatever food you've left on the counter. Preferably bread. He would tell Mina that he'll give her some of she acts as a distraction. She's a good dog so she does. He's a cat so she gets no food.

Truly, truly, THE GIFTENING winner is us all.

[trouvelle]

Time’s Up

A/N: Happy happy happy birthday, @mintchocolateleaves!! This one’s for you boo. I tried to cook it up as fast as I could, to get it posted before the day ends but alas... it’s past midnight and all the magic is gone. Nevertheless, enjoy this one! This isn’t for Emogust though, bc sadly it fits none of the prompts. An AU where Conan is back as Shinichi (Black Org is no more, and stuff and stuff). 

The day is eventually going to come. 

Shinichi knows. He knows that day will come, yet his mind forces itself to erase the thoughts of it. Instead, it’s filled with nothing but false, desperate hope with the image of a beaten, stitched up heart. Shinichi knows. He knows.

His finger plays with the brown hair that he loves touching so much. The smell is intoxicating. Alluring. It’s a smell that belongs to only one person. That one person that means the world to him. That one person that is strikingly similar to a goddess, as she is simply divine and beautifully crafted like an angel. He plants a kiss on her, inhaling the heavenly scent that flutters his heart.

The girl whose head is comfortably resting on his lap lets out a chuckle, voice deep with a texture that makes it one in a million. The girl whose eyes are filled with such powerful emotions that Shinichi couldn’t even describe. Love, he decides. Love, kindness, sincerity, grace, worry, passion, generosity.

Every day Ran makes Shinichi wonder. How someone could always keep a warm, serene smile on her face. Every day, she baffles him.

He wonders why she chooses to stay with him, after years of hiding the truth from her, making her worry, putting her through all the torment. If she’s willing to put his past behind them, then so can he. He can do the same for her and for himself.

They never talk about their lives before he returned as Kudo Shinichi. Only once did she ask for an explanation, and it’s immediately after he revealed himself. He told her everything; about how he’s Conan all along, how Haibara Ai (who’s now around their age) is also another victim of the Organization, how he couldn’t have done it without Hattori and Kaito KID’s help. She’s forgiven him, as always. She can never stay angry at him. She also never wanted to broach the topic ever again.

One time he catches her say, “Remember that haunted inn we went to with Hattori-kun and Kazuha-chan?” when the inn is featured on the television. However, she drops the conversation right after that, the silence reminding him that she was still unwilling to talk.

One thing remains the same, though. 

“I’ll always protect you,” Shinichi whispers. Ran smiles. She knows.

Φ

It’s spring. It’s that time where love sprouts everywhere. It’s that time where flowers bloom beautifully, birds singing their songs and grass turns greener than before. It’s that time where the cherry blossoms bloom, drawing tons of couples towards them like a magnet, wanting them to enjoy the romantic vibe.

There’s this one place. There’s this spot with a lone, abandoned cherry blossom tree. It’s not so far in the small woods behind Teitan High.

Thus, during a break at school, they go to the cherry blossom tree whose grace is only for their eyes. Ran intertwines her fingers with Shinichi’s, showing her loveable smile, the smile that he loves so much.

“I love you,” Shinichi says. He blushes. “With all my heart.”

"I love you too," Ran mutters, looking up at him shyly. "With all my heart."

Φ

It’s that time again, when Ran feels that suffocating feeling in her chest. Her breath hitches, gasping for air while droplets of sweat trail down from her temple towards her chin. It’s those times when Shinichi loses his cool and panic, calling the hospital immediately after each time it happens, each time getting worse and worse.

It hurts him even more that whenever Ran faints, she has no knowledge of what happened before. Almost as if she suffers from a very minor amnesia, yet Shinichi never dares to tell her. He always puts on his practiced smile, saying, “You are just here for a check-up. They had to temporarily put you to sleep, that’s all.”

Ran, naively nods, easily accepting those words. 

Φ

Shinichi has been visiting Osaka more and more often lately. He knows his bond with Hattori has undoubted deepen after everything that has happened. Seriously, he would’ve been a dead man had Hattori not been there to save him.

What he didn’t expect was that he’s going to rely so much on Kazuha as well.

He has been telling Kazuha about what’s been happening to Ran. At first it’s only to update her about Ran’s condition. Shinichi soon finds that he actually enjoys talking to her. To Hattori’s credit, his girl is very insightful and perceptive. Sometimes Shinichi calls her in the middle of the night just to ask her if she has anything to offer him. A handful of times, Hattori is the one to answer his calls.

“We’re NOT doing anything,” he always insists, “Kazuha just fell asleep while studying.”

Shinichi responds with a snort. “Keep that up and you’re gonna get a serious case of blue balls.”

They end up talking too, until Ran stirs in her sleep and Shinichi has to hang up in fear that he might wake her up.

Φ

There are times where Shinichi forgot how nigh Ran’s time is. The moment their lips are locked into a deep kiss, his mind turns blank, concentrating on the now, never thinking of the past or the future. He loves when the familiar, warm hands trace down his sides to his hip bones, tender fingers sliding south until it reaches the spot that makes his body ache for more. He moans out her name each time she sends Shinichi to ecstasy in such sweet, passionate love making. It’s the moment after, with Ran collapsing next to him on the soft mattress and instantly cuddling against the boy, arms protectively wrapped around his body while nuzzling his neck.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Ran whispers. “I can’t imagine life without you.”

Φ

Shinichi has tried to contact Kaito Kid—whose real identity he and Hattori found out to be Kuroba Kaito, just a kid around their age. But he insists that he’d come to Shinichi when his time is suitable, when he’s accomplished his own goal.

When they finally set up a meeting, Shinichi did ask him, straight to the point: “Have you used the Pandora Gem?”

Kaito’s eyes betray his confident body gestures. “Are you interested in using it?”

Shinichi offers no reply, his only response is his unfaltering stare at the magician. He runs a hand through his hair, a sigh escaping his lips. “I know you’ve found it, and I know you’ve used it.”

Φ

Shinichi walks on the sidewalk, two plastic bags filled with the needed groceries which bump against his legs with each step he takes. He fiddles with his keys as soon as he reaches their apartment. He opens their front door, stepping in with the bags in his hands, happily announcing he is back with a huge grin on his face.

The house is silent, however. Pressure is felt, and Shinichi feels slight numbness in his legs as he enters the living room, eyes widening at the sight of Ran on the ground. Crystal droplets fall immediately, the sound of items falling and rolling on the ground, voice cracks echoing in the room, the only thing coming out from his throat being none other than the name Ran.

Φ

It all happens so fast. Shinichi is promised at least a year more. One year. A year that they will fill with nothing but happiness, that only she can give effortlessly. The sounds of rushed doctors heading towards wherever ring in his ears. Shinichi can only blindly follow them, attempting to wake Ran up with trembling hands and bottom lip.

Ran, Ran, Ran, is all he says.

Ran, Ran, Ran, he keeps on calling, but her face remains the same: lifeless, pale, drained.

Shinichi has never felt so scared, so afraid. He swears he saw a quick, impossible glance of the colour black. The black that Shinichi has feared to acknowledge so many times in his dreams. The black that is the hollow colour of the long robe that belongs to Death, who is perhaps forcing an implausible grin on his literal skin and meatless face.

“No,” Shinichi whispers, furiously shaking his head as he is forced to stay behind when doctors go past certain doors. He falls to his knees, clutching his hair tightly 

No.

Φ

Shinichi has always had his suspicion about Kazuha’s sensitivity towards the supernatural spectrum of the world. If her handcrafted omamori isn’t enough proof, there’s also the fact that she could actually see spirits. A gift from my grandmother, she explains. 

Kazuha has also further said about how Death is real. Another reason why she hates being in a crime scene for too long, she confides in him. Death is always present, always ready to transport the souls of poor victims. Kazuha doesn’t like to look at Death. According to her, Death reeks of hollowness and hopelessness, among other things. 

Shinichi never quite understands her stories and explanations. He believes in science. He doesn’t believe in such things. He believes in what he can see. He doesn’t believe in what the paranormal and supernatural.

This time, he’s sure Death is definitely calling. Death stands there with arms wide open, wanting to welcome Ran and wanting him to see her lifeless body. Shinichi knows Death is patiently waiting in the dark corners of the sickly colored hospital, it being nothing more than an empty white and some hues of probably blue or yellow. Shinichi doesn’t care.

It’s then when a doctor comes out of what Shinichi calls ‘Doors of Death’. The doctor shows him nothing more but a pity look, his mask hiding any signs of lip movement to warn Shinichi of the hurtful words that are about to come out.

Many doctors and nurses walk by them, and some patients in wheelchairs possibly exploring the area or finding their way out to the exit. All of them spare glances at the man who shouts at the doctor, on his knees once again and hands clutched together in a fist, begging.

Φ

Heiji and Kazuha rush to the hospital as fast as they possibly could. Shinichi staggers towards them, his head shaking continuously. “There’s no time.”

“Time’s up.”

Φ

Ran slowly opens her eyes, frowning at the blinding light of white after being out for what felt like an eternity, shielding them with her hand. She is all by herself. She is in a bed, a transparent tube connected and held secured by a thin, white bandage on her left forearm.

Her confused gaze travels from the dull wall in front of her to the window where she can see the outside world, the sky blue and a few clouds present.

Where am I? She wonders. The sound of a constant beeping echo in her ears, and a doctor soon appears in front of her.

“Congratulations, Ran,” he smiles at her. “You barely survived, but you managed.”

Ran frowns even more. “Barely? What do you mean? What happened?”

The doctor’s smile falters, just a little bit. His eyes are tired, dark circles clearly visible and wrinkles showing. “You had a fatal heart attack, Ran,” he starts. “You’ve always had a weak heart condition which seemed to be accelerating in intensity within the past year.”

“You were found unconscious at home. A young man immediately called, and just in time as well.”

“Shinichi?” Ran gasps. “You mean Shinichi?” She sits up, not caring if she is allowed to or not. “What… where is he?”

“Shinichi… he’s headed out somewhere.” Ran’s expression gradually softens at those words. The doctor then hands her tape. “Here,” he whispers. “He told me to give this to you.”

As soon as the small device left the man’s hands, he calmly makes his way out. Confused and curious, Ran rapidly untangles the earphones, pressing the Play button to play the message that is left in it by Shinichi’s voice. Ran smiles, only for it to completely disappear with each word she hears.

Φ

Time is passing by slowly, almost too slowly. Ran tightly squeezes the tape, holding it against her chest as she lies down, numbly shifting on her side, facing towards the window that holds her away from freedom. She slowly opens her mouth, lips trembling and eyes glazed with tears that allow themselves to roll down over the bridge of her nose and her cheek. She feels a painful lump in her throat. A lump that makes swallowing so, so hard. Her head starts to ache, eyebrows finally furrow together after processing what she just read, gritting her teeth and softly shaking her head in denial.

She finally lost it when she heard soft sobs coming from outside her room. She finally lets out a scream, clutching onto her hair and wetting her face with her tears, curling into a ball as agony took full control over her. With loud and hitched sobs, she whispers ‘no’ over and over again.

Φ

The doctor hears the cries coming out of the room. His back leaning against the space next to its respective door, hallways filled with nothing but an eerie silence and a vast emptiness. He quietly turns around, letting his forehead rest against the cold barrier and let his own tears spill. His own heart aches, wanting to rip it out, if only he could.

His nails scratches the walls, hands eventually curling up into a fist and screamed silently, gasping for air as he lets out choked sobs. 

Φ

Ran,

I’m guessing you already know the truth by now. 

I’ve kept you away from the truth, again. Once more, I’ve kept away a secret from you that you deserved to know, yet I always decided to keep my door shut. Not because I think you’re better off not knowing, but it’s ‘cause I never had the guts to. I can’t lose you. Not now, not ever. 

Nothing can come close to describing the happiness I felt whenever you woke up. Who was there to blame for the condition of your heart? I thought I could be your donor, so long as you can continue to wake up. I wish we could have more time together.

I was told that you have a long way to go. At least a year, was what they said. They over-calculated. My biggest mistake was trusting their words. 

Don’t look for me. This time—I promise you—I’m not on a long and deadly case. I’m not shrunken into a grade-schooler either! I’m just... just refer to me as your guardian from now on. Guardian angel, if you wanna push it that way, but Kazuha said guardian angels are not actually angels. 

What you need to know is that I’ve beaten Death. You’ll live, and that’s all that matters to me. I’m always here for you and I’ll always protect you. 

Ran, you know I love you. I always have, and I always will.

Φ

Shinichi told her that he has no choice. He has even looked for the Pandora Gem and actually knows where it is. The current owner of the gem is also willing to lend it to him.

It’s Kaito Kid, he confesses to Kazuha. And Kaito did warn him about the effects of using the gem.

Shinichi knows that Ran wouldn’t want it.

Kazuha has been thinking about this for a long time, hard. She knows if she was to do it, if she could even pull it through, if it would even succeed—Ran is never going to forgive her. But when she puts herself in Shinichi’s shoes, she knows she would do it for Heiji in a heartbeat. Part of her believes that if the situation was reversed, Ran would want to do the same for Shinichi. 

But Shinichi has already had his mind made up. Kazuha looks at him, the boy who has been growing closer to her lately, who she talks to even more than Ran or Sonoko these days. Kazuha stares at him, and he stares back at her through his cloudy eyes.

In the end, he doesn’t even know if he was putting Ran’s happiness first or his own.

[dark-and-kawaii]

Akashi and Kise scenario catching their female partner dancin in the kitchen making food while listening to the guardians of the galaxy soundtrack? I really enjoy older music when it comes to romance! It probably sounds stupid but this would make my day, Kiwi! I think this would be the cutest thing ever. Activate that fluff button! EaRth fire september is a good song that puts me in a good mood to if you could add taht to one. If this is to dumb you can overlook this

Anonymous said:Oh! For the request with the dancing to guardians can you make the dancing silly. Like good old fun dancing, nothing sexual by any means. I just really like this idea and i’m sad no one else has ever requested something like this. Thank you if you don’t overlook this

*slaps you softly* ＼(º □ º l|l)/

THIS IS NOT STUPID!!!!! IF ANYTHING THIS IS THE CUTEST FREAKING REQUEST EVER!!!!!! I loooooooooooove love love older music and dancing! 

Fun fact: Kiwi listens to Earth Wind and Fire - September when depressed. 

No seriously, this is the best request ever! Like seriously! Why would I overlook such a golden request? (⌒▽⌒)♡

I’m so sorry this took literally forever! I was slacking for a long time! Please enjoy these two fluffy scenarios my little berry! (´｡• ᵕ •｡`)

*snaps fingers and takes your hand to spin you around while singing*

Songs used: Hooked On A Feeling - Blue Swede ♡ September -  Earth Wind and Fire ♡ Come And Get Your Love - Redbone ♡  Ain’t No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrel

WARNING: MAJOR CUTENESS ( ˘⌣˘)♡(˘⌣˘ )

Kise Ryouta 

“~I’m hooked on a feeling! Bum buh bun bum! I’m high on believing! That you’re in love with meeee!~”

It was the day after Kise had proposed to you, and you were currently high on life and love.

Grabbing the spatula you sang into as if it were a microphone.

“~Lips as sweet as candy! It’s taste is on my mind!~”

Since last night was a breathtaking night due to your now lovely fiance, you had decided that it was your turn to surprise Kise with breakfast in bed.

Twirling around in nothing but a pair of yoga shorts and Kise’s dress shirt you swayed your hips back and forth as you shook your shoulders and hair making your way back to the stove as you continued to sing into the spatula.

Flipping the pancakes you threw your arms up in the air as you pounced around the kitchen looking for a plate.

Little to you knowledge, Kise had woken up from the music and the clunking going on in the kitchen. Being the curious blonde he is he had made his was towards the kitchen. Poking his out a little he saw in clear sight that you were dancing and singing as you made breakfast. Oh how he wished he had his phone to capture this moment, but he didn’t. So he stayed hidden as he continued to watch you prance around, so he could imprint this moment into his head.

You were so cute though as your kneeled down with the spatula singing Hooked On A Feeling as you bobbed your head around. Your hair was freely moving around your face, you just didn’t have a care in the world. ‘My little ____-cchi is so precious! This is making me want to join her!’

The song has came to an end, but alas a new one had came on! September by Earth, Wind and Fire.

The mood was so intense that you had started giggling to yourself spinning the spatula in your hand. “~Do you remember the 21st night of September! Love was changing the minds of pretenders while chasing the clouds away-” You slid the spatula under the fluffy pancakes flipping them onto the plate in your other hand, at the same time your hips were moving in a rotating motion. Flipping the last pancake you pelvic thrusted the air. “~Hey hey hey Ba de ya~” Placing the plate down on the counter next to the stove a grin bigger than your heart was plastered on your joyful plate.

Whirling around you were surprisingly met with hands on your hips- “~Remember how we knew love was here to stay~”, Kise could no longer hold back, he needed to join in all the fun as he sang the song with you.

Kise’s grip tightened so could pick you up and twirl you both around in the kitchen, guiding you down from the air he placed you on his feet so he could guide you around the room, dancing hand in hand.

No two people have been more in love.

“Ryouta! I was going to surprise you in bed with breakfast! You should still be in bed!”

Kise laughed aloud to your comment “surprise you”, he was laughing so hard that tears brimmed at the corner of his eyes.

“____-cchi, don’t you think it’s kind of hard to surprise someone when there is music blaring.”

Your were baffled… was the music really that loud?

“O-Oh… W-Well, go back to bed so i can give you a nice surprise Ryouta!”

“___-cchi this is the best surprise to wake up too! Honestly, I don’t think i’ll ever have another gloomy day after this!”

You sighed in defeat, “I love you Ryouta Kise, but sometimes you are a pain.”

“Awh, but i’m  ____-cchi’s pain!” He winked at you while grabbing the plate of pancakes with you still on his feet as he guided you both back to the bedroom, leaving the music on to blare through the house.

Akashi Seijuro

Nine forty pm, just fifteen more minutes and your sweet boyfriend will be home. You had made your journey to the store an hour beforehand so you could surprise him with a warm home cooked meal, and you’ll be damned if you burnt it tonight!

You were in a particularly good mood so you had decided it would be fun to add some music along with your cooking. Flipping on the stereo you played Come And Get Your Love as you skipped back to the boiling pasta. “~Hellllll with it baby cause you’re fun and you’re mine and you look so divine.~”

Staring at the picture handing on the wall, it was of you and Akashi on the beach holding hands. “~Come and get your love come and get your love now~” Pointing at the picture you were “serenading” Akashi as you staggered around swaying your body back and forth. “~Hellllll what the matter with your feel right don’t you feel right baby~” Throwing your hands up moving them up and down as you lifted one leg to shake it. Yes, you looked like a fool, no, you didn’t care. You were given news today, news you weren’t necessarily expecting but you knew that in your heart this was the perfect timing. Most would say you were crazy for thinking that, but something was telling you that everything would workout.

Slamming your hands on the counters you lifted yourself in the air kicking your feet out in a cheering motion “~La la la la la la la Come and get your love!~” Snatching up the sauce jar you banged it a few times on the counter following the beat of the song loosening the lid.

“Darling I’m ho-” Akashi had just walked through the front door only to be met with booming music. Akashi studied the living space to see if you were there, but you weren’t. Moving around he got a wift of your spaghetti “Ah, looks like someone’s in a good mood then.” Akashi hung his jacket before moving towards the kitchen.

Coming towards the kitchen entrance he saw that you were flipping your hair back and forth, rocking your hips and jumping next to the stove as you clanked the wooden spoon against the pot. “Looks like i picked the right night to ask.” He said to himself quietly so he wouldn’t disturb you.

The next song that came on made Akashi step into the kitchen only a little. He leaned against the frame one hand in his pocket as the other arm rested at his side. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough had come on the stereo, it was one of his favorites and it described his love for you perfectly. Nothing could ever stop him from getting to you.

Swirling around you were met with a smiling Akashi Seijuro, as the song continued on…

♫Listen baby, ain’t no mountain high

Ain’t no valley low, ain’t no river wide enough baby♫

“Hey.” His voice was music of it’s own.

♫If you need me call me no matter where you are

No matter how far don’t worry baby♫

“Hey” you said back as you both looked one another in the eyes, more passion burning in them than ever before. There was definitely something special about this night.

♫Just call my name I’ll be there in a hurry

You don’t have to worry♫

Akashi was still leaning against the door frame as you swayed your hips walking up to him never breaking eye contact as you opened up your arms so you could wrap your arms around his waist. Sliding your arms under his you wrapped your arms all the way around him embracing him warmly. “Would you believe me if i told you that i loved you, Seijuro.”

♫‘Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no river wide enough baby

To keep me from getting to you babe♫

Akashi smiled at you as he pushed you back with one arm. “Would you believe me if i told you i loved you, ____?” Reaching out to you with his free hand. All you could do was smile at him, your teeth showing and all as you grasped his hand firmly. Akashi twirled you around once before spinning you into his arms.

Pushing you back again, Akashi gave himself room. “Would you believe me if i told you i want to be with you forever, ____?”

Akashi began kneeling down before you had time to answer his question. Akashi Seijuro revealed his other hand that was hiding in his pocket, and his hand was a small black velvet box.

♫Remember the day I set you free

I told you you could always count on me darling

From that day on, I made a vow

I’ll be there when you want me

Some way, somehow♫

“______, Would you believe me if i asked you to marry me?” Opening the velvet box was a breathtaking diamond ring in the shape of a heart. “Will you marry me, _____?”

♫My love is alive

Way down in my heart

Although we are miles apart

If you ever need a helping hand

I’ll be there on the double

Just as fast as I can

Don’t you know that there ain’t no mountain high enough♫

Tackling him down to the ground your tears flew in the air as doing so. “Yes! Yes Seijuro! I will! I will! Yes!”

Akashi held onto you while you lay on top of him.

“Oh! Sei-kun!” Sitting up on him both legs on either side of his. You wiped away your delighted tears.

“What is it, ____?”

You were a bit stiff but shook it off, “Would you believe me if i told you that you’re going to be dad?”

Akashi’s eyes widen “_____, are you pregnant? You’re pregnant?”

Biting your nail as you smiled and nodded. “Yeah I am.”

Akashi sat up with you still in his lap, looking at the velvet box in his hand he smirked, and in his eyes there was a twinkle. ”We are going to start a family, and you’re going to be the mother of my child.”

“I went in for my birth control and the doctor told me it was too late for that! I know we weren’t planning it but-”

“_____, you will be a beautiful mother, and i can’t wait to give our child the basketball my mother gave to me.” Akashi’s eyes were filled to the brim with tears. Never in his life did he think he would be a father one day, it frightened him far too much. He didn’t want to become like his old man.

“And you my dear Akashi Seijuro, will make the best father, and i know that your mother is smiling down at you right now.”

The moment Akashi blinked the tears had spilled out, “I think you’re right, _____. I think she is too, and I know she will watch over our child from above, and you my future wife.”

~Admin Kiwi xoxo I hope you liked this ( ; ω ; ) and how i wrote it

[juangallojongaro]

Best of 2020

Bruce Springsteen – “If I Was the Priest” Lauded as a return to form for the Boss (I found the album…middling?), this is the standout track on Letter to You. Written in the early seventies and first recorded this year, the track is a perfect slice of Springsteen pomp. A soaring Marian Devotional that recasts the Holy Family as prostitutes, saloon proprietors, and cowboys, it’s grandiose, kind of stupid, and perfectly Springsteen.

Cardi B (ft. Megan Thee Stallion) – “WAP” When I first heard it, I was wandering through one of those endless early quarantine days that have all blended together. It made me laugh, and since I’ve listened to it at least 20 times. Really grateful for Cardi B! LYRIC OF THE YEAR 1: “I want you to park that Big Mack Truck right in this little garage”

Colter Wall – “Big Iron” I spent the latter half of the year reading and thinking about American Westerns. This Marty Robbins cover is a delight. Wall has a remarkable voice, deep and tonal. The sparse instrumentation sets the table perfectly for the confrontation between the Arizona Ranger and the dastardly Texas Red.

Dogleg – “Kawasaki Backflip” The virus turned the volume down on everything and stretched it out. It’s a small and personal unfairness I wasn’t able to see this band shred through this spectacular song in some shitty hot venue while drunk on too expensive beer.

Doja Cat (ft. Nicki Minaj) – “Say So” So, this was a TikTok meme, right? I thought TikTok would fill the Vine-sized hole in my life (RIP, Vine, the only good social media); alas, it wasn’t to be, as it seems to be a platform built exclusively to encourage mediocre young white men to be mediocre-er. I digress; this song is fucking great. Built on the Niles Rodgers-esque disco guitar riff, the addition of a typically professional Minaj elevates this from confection to classic.

Dua Lipa – “Levitating” The lyrics are asinine (see: “My sugarboo/I’m levitating/The Milky Way is liberating/Yeah yeah yeah”). Pop music doesn’t have to have lyrics this dumb (see: above Cardi B re: the garage), but alas. It’s a shame, because the rest of this package is so slick, a pop fan’s wet dream of talent, groove, and Top 40 danceability.

Fiona Apple – “Shameika” The word genius is probably thrown around to liberally, but 2020 marked a moment when the culture seemed to coalesce to bestow the honorarium on Apple. And why not? She’s released five albums, all of them at least great. She’s a singular voice, making scabrous, confident, off-putting, kinda fucked up music (who among us didn’t hear her wail, “You raped me in the same bed your daughter was born in” and not, like, gulp and say out loud to no one, “yikes!”). Despite the traumatic subject matter, the songs are a fucking auditory pleasure. When we were all cooped up this year, Apple’s claustrophobia was a balm.

illuminati hotties – “content//bedtime” In 2019, I had the pleasure of seeing IH open for pup at the Old National Center. After their set, I was on my way to the baño¸ and noticed IH front person Sarah Tudzin at the merch table. I approached, expressed my admiration for her work, and inquired as to the release of the next album. The reception was chilly! It turns out that Tudzin was fighting her label, ultimately leading to the release of FREE I.H.: This is Not the One You’ve Been Waiting For, a weird little record made for the express purpose of getting out of her contract. It’s still a good album! And this song is a wacky Oingo Bingo-y banger. LYRIC OF THE YEAR 2: “Woah-oh-oh-oh/No-oh-oh-oh/Pouring a bowl of Illuminati hot-o's.”

Jeff Rosenstock – “***BNB” It took me a minute, but once I released it was a song about a mother secretly renting out her adult daughter’s room as an AIRBNB, I was smitten. It eventually turns into an extremely Rosenstockian loud meditation on the difficulty/anxiety/sadness of travel which is good and kick ass.

Jessie Ware – “Remember Where You Are” It’s fucking annoying as shit that the year disco came back (see: Cat, Doja; Lipa, Dua; Genius, Perfume) that we were all stuck in our fucking houses with our fucking cat who is 85% sweet and 15% annoying and 100% smelly god I love her.

The Killers (ft. k.d. lang) – “Lightning Fields” This is probably not the best song on this album (gotta be “Caution”, right?), but it is the stupidest which probably makes it the most Killers-y track of the year. It was somewhere around uttering the question, “are we human/are we dancer” that the Nevada-based boys decided to start fucking around non-stop. This song carries on that proud tradition. The metaphors are incomprehensible, it sounds kinda like “Like a Prayer” at the end, and has a friggin’ great k.d. lang guest spot. It’s so fucking dumb.

Megan Thee Stallion (ft. Beyoncé) – “Savage Remix” This is basically a Beyoncé (just discovered Word will autocorrect Beyonce to Beyoncé. Good job, Bill Gates) song, and it’s wonderful! That part when she goes from whisper singing to full Beyoncé-voice singing at the three-minute mark? The best!

NOBRO – “Marianna” A perfect rock song. The last minute is the best minute of music in 2020 and it’s like, 40% of the song.

Origami Angel – “24 Hr Delivery/KD MVP” For whatever reason, this emo revival duo released an EP of songs using Minecraft samples. Ostensibly a remake of their 2019 twee-bullshit ode to making your sad friend feel better by taking them out to get fast food, the song segues into a completely baffling yet moving sound collage featuring sad piano, cheese guitar, and Kevin Durant’s tearful NBA MVP speech. I don’t claim to understand it, but the heart wants what it wants. A slam dunk!

Orville Peck – “Fancy” My wife won’t let me listen to this Reba McIntyre cover in the house because it makes her cry every time. We’ve learned a lot about each other this year.

Perfume Genius – “On the Floor” A sumptuous slinker. Plausibly the best song about dancing on your own since Robyn’s classic, “Dancing on My Own,” it’s an emotional powerhouse. Have I sang this song while crying in the shower? No. Would I? You bet! LYRIC OF THE YEAR 3: “I cross out his name on the page!”

Phoebe Bridgers – “Savior Complex (Copycat Killer Version),” “I Know the End” 2020 fucking sucked. I couldn’t go outside. I couldn’t see my pals. I got stuck in my loft for ten days with a COVID scare. My life shrank and it became too easy to doom scroll all the shitty news of mass death, the senseless murder of unarmed black people, riots, curfews, the fucking election, and then the chaser of a bunch of white supremacists trying to overturn a free and fair election because they can’t believe a majority of Americans are tired of being run by a big wet racist moron.

I’m not saying that Bridgers had anything to say this year about The World, but when I felt the worst I put on Punisher. It didn’t make me feel better, but it didn’t make me feel worse. It’s the sadgirl album for the sadgirl year. ALBUM OF THE YEAR: Punisher.

Rilo Kiley – “Teenage Lovesong” Rescued from the scrap heap of history, Rilo Kiley re-released their self-titled debut that was originally only available at their live shows. It’s a precocious record (there’s some, like, turntable scratching on one song???), but it’s astonishing how fully formed Jenny Lewis’s voice is even in 1999. That instrument is on display in this old fashioned twanger, where Lewis shows off the tone, clarity, and range.

Run the Jewels – “ooh la la” Listened to this song very loud in a rental Mustang driving from Joshua Tree to Vegas in January. It was cool.

Sturgill Simpson – “Just Let Go” Ol’ Sturg decided that 2020 was the year to become a bluegrass boy and you’ll hear no complainin’ from Ol’ Johnny. This reworking of his 2014 transcendental ode to the “universal shared consciousness,” becomes a good hearted bluegrass ditty brimming with existential joy.

[itsybitsybatsyspider]

Dragonhunters:Trollhunters HTTYD au

Summary: While Jim is in the forest, he comes across a dead dragon, holding an amulet that will ultimately change his life forever.

Warnings: Not much, besides some blood and death.

Words: no clue. I just wanted to write this.

Extra: For my friend aloraashton and have fun reading and looking for parallels from this AU and the original show!

I woke up to the cold wood floor smushing my face and the din of the raid alarm in the air. Groaning in exhaustion, i sluggishly rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. ‘Not again...’ i thought begrudgingly. My muscles ached as i attempted to get up and i couldn’t help but wonder which idiot i would have to treat today. Throwing on a blue leather vest and fur boots, i tried to mentally prepare myself for what i would have to encounter from today’s dragon raid.  

On my way downstairs, I found my mother already awake and bustling through all of our herbs and medical instruments. Making sure that we had everything that we would need.  She was the village healer you see, and she was one of the best in the land. Barbara the Red they called her; since she had such bright hair and she was, well... a healer. I’m sure you could figure out the rest. Her fiery red hair was in its bun, as usual, and her brown and blue tunic was ruffled up and wrinkled. Instantly, I could tell that she hadn’t slept last night. I sighed.

“Mom, you gotta get some sleep! You know you need it.” she jolted at my sudden voice, turning to see what had made her jump. My mother sighed in relief. “Oh, James... it’s just you. You really gave my a startle there.” i rolled my eyes. “I know i did. But seriously, you need to get some sleep. Promise me you’ll head straight to bed after this raid is done.”

“James I-”

“Straight to bed! I can handle the hut for a day and you really need the rest.” She sighed and gave me a small smile. Knowing that i wouldn’t back down or compromise, she yielded and gave me a hug. “Of course James.” 

Just then, a bang resonated from the hut’s large door. Mom looked up and hurriedly made her way to open the wooden entrance. There were two men, one who’s leg was bleeding profusely and the other supporting him. Mom quickly led them to a bed and immediately began to cut the man’s pant leg. “James! Will you get me some fresh water, a clean rag, some goldenrod and fresh bandages?” I gave a quick nod before rushing to get what my mother needed. And that was how the day that changed my life began.

After the raid was over, it was well into mid-morning and my mom, true to her word, went straight to bed. Meanwhile i cleaned up the bloody bandages, bowls of water, put away the medicinal herbs, and remade the beds. There were still a few injured lying in the beds, but they were mostly asleep and didn’t really care about what i was doing. And once everything was settled down, I gave a great sigh of relief and collapsed in a nearby chair. I bet that i could have fallen asleep had it not been for my growling stomach. A groan escaped my throat. I didn’t want to get up! But alas, i had no choice. So grabbing my leather messenger bag, i left home to head to the dining hall. 

On the way there, i noticed some drastic changes in the landscape. I realized that this was probably the worst raid yet, having noticed six houses burned down, two barns and a well destroyed, and three boats slowly sinking into the bay with a ‘glub’ or two. It was gonna be one Helhiem of a clean up. 

I got to the dining hall which was, unfortunately, on the far edge of the village and was met with the surprising sight of my best friend. Tobias. But i just call him Toby or Tobes. Depending on the day. He was stout for our age, and was rather large too, and even though that affected his ability to run away from collapsing buildings or sudden dragon fires, it didn’t affect the way that he was still my best friend. I jogged up the rest of the way to catch up with him just as he entered the pavilion.

“Jimbo! How’s it going dude! I almost started thinking that you got carried off by one of those Monstrous Nightmares. What a sad day that will be.” I chuckled at his strange jokes. “Hi Toby, i’m doing just fine. Totally exhausted though! I had to take care of people nonstop for three hours! I’m pretty sure that i’m going to fall asleep at any given moment.” And just to prove my point, a huge yawn escaped my mouth. We walked over to an empty table near the great fire pit and sat down across from each other.   

“Jeez man, you do look tired. Why don’t you go take a nap or something?” 

“Can’t. I have to eat first and then i gotta go get some more herbs. I’m gonna be working all day.” Toby hummed in reply. 

“Well why don’t i come with you? I’m sure you could use another set of eyes!” I scoffed a little at the suggestion. “No offense Toby, but i don’t think you’d be the best person to come herb searching with me.” Said person crossed his arms and leaned back. 

“Why not?”

“Last time you helped my gather herbs you mistook hemlock for yarrow. If i hadn’t noticed it, it could’ve hurt somebody. Need i say more?” Toby pouted, but nonetheless nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah okay, i see your point.” My head nodded in finality. “Good. Now let’s get something to eat. I’m starving.” 

Once we were finished eating, we both stood up and walked out of the dining hall saying our goodbyes to each other when we had to go our separate ways. Him to his grandmother’s to work on rebuilding their kitchen, and me to the woods to gather some more herbs for my mother’s storage supply. 

The forest was alive with the sounds of birds singing and trees clapping their hands to an unrecognizable rhythm. I walked along the familiar trails and stooped down every once in a while to check for any medicinal herbs. The trail got rougher the farther i traveled and sooner or later i had become very tired and my legs ached. Deciding to rest, i sat down on a strange boulder and got out the water flask i had taken with me. 

I took this moment of peace and rest to get a look at my surroundings. Golden light filtering through the fluttering leaves, the song of a babbling brook not too far off, the calming rush of the spring wind ruffling up my raven hair. It was certainly a wonderful day.  

But not too long after sitting down on the large rock, did i notice that something was off. The boulder began to look too narrow and too long, with strange spires jutting out of it. And that wasn’t all! The boulder had weird fissures on it’s surface, almost like a pattern. And the longer i looked at it, the more life-like it felt! ‘There’s something strange about this boulder.’ i thought as i poked at it’s scale like fissures. ‘It looks almost like a....’ My eyes widened and i jumped off of the ‘boulder’ as fast as i could.

“DRAGON!”

My heart pounded against my rib cage as my blue eyes trained on the petrified dragon. ‘How had I MISSED that!?’ I thought. Hands frozen to my side and legs stiff, i couldn’t help but gaze on in fear and wonder at the stone dragon. And it wasn’t just any dragon either. It was a Titan Monstrous Nightmare! I tried to gulp down the frog that had leaped into my throat, same way i did with my astonishment. 

The Nightmare laid there, frozen in rock, with it’s talons clenched and wings spread as if it had failed to fly. It was encased in strange armor, that was also made of stone, that spread from it’s tail to it’s wings to the snout. There was a large crack in one of it’s wings, which i could imagine had been a gash, as well as many fractures that could have been cuts or chunks ripped out of it.

‘But what could have defeated a Titan Monstrous Nightmare?’I wondered in fear. Could this have been a horde of Vikings? Another Titan Wing? An accident? But the longer i gazed at the dead Nightmare, the more questions i had spinning around my head. Then all of a sudden, a voice spoke. 

“James...Lake.” a yelped escaped my throat and i fell backwards onto the cold, hard ground. Breath speeding up and chest heaving, i froze there until the voice spoke again. “James...Lake.” I didn’t know what to do except gawk at the dragon that had apparently uttered my name. That was until, i noticed the odd blue glow coming from it’s clenched talons.   

Intrigued by the glow, i crept up to the dragon and carefully placed my hand on the cracked talons. But just when i did, the entire dragon crumbled into dust before me. A cough erupted from my throat since i accidentally breathed in the stuff, and my eyes stung from the exposure to dragon-dust or whatever. 

Once the dust cloud had settled, the only thing remaining of the Monstrous Nightmare was an amulet. A glowing blue amulet. Captivated by the enticing glow, i shuffled my way through the dust and picked up the talisman. It was an intricate amulet, with a blue gemstone glowing softly at it’s center, silver gears ticking inside of it, and encased in a silver ring with small dragons formed on it’s edges. 

It was beautiful, to say the least. But why would a dead dragon have it?

I understood that dragons liked their treasures and food just as much as humans did, but why would this Nightmare be willing to die for this one simple trinket? 

Baffled by this mystery, i looked up to see the sun just starting to set. Orange and red against navy blue. Gasping, I hadn’t realized how late it had gotten, so without a second thought i raced out of the dust pile and grabbed my leather bag; packing the amulet inside of it as i ran. Unbeknownst to me, as i ran, six glowing eyes emerged from the brush and eyeballed me with eagerness.

“It chose...a human!?”

[makeshiftstory]

One Shot Comic Script

(The Silhouette of Rita on the right corner of the panel head turned to the gossiping Stage hands as she over hears the conversation.)

Stage Hand One: You’ve heard the rumor right? That orange one, Eleanor, right? She died during that stage accident six months back. The company that made her made a copy of her as to keep the death a secret. (Lifting stage equipment)

Stage Hand Two: You might be onto something, I mean, this one looks nothing like her, especially with that mask on. (has the side of their face on their hand as they ponder)

Rita: (Rita sighs as she shakes her head) (thought bubble) Well she did die, but she wasn’t replaced. Its a lot more complicated then that...

(The scene transitions to the previous six months as  Rita, Honey pie, Maxwell, and Eleanor before her death are there doing a practice rehearsal. The revenue is empty and the group is alone on this as they practice a new song, a song ironically about a zombie.)

Rita: (Narration Text) You know, back then, if I had known, that song would have been a warning. Things were going well, the music sounded great, I looked great, things were going well until.

Honey Pie: (Stops playing the sound mix as they look up) Guys...did you hear that?

Maxwell: (Stops playing and tilts his head side to side in confusion much like how a dog would do when trying to hear something) Hear what?

Rita: (Disgruntled and annoyed as she puts microphone down as she looks at Honey Pie from where she’s at) Its probably just the theater settling, its old and shit so of course its going to make noise. (She picks up the microphone in a huff and clearly flustered from the disruption of the practice) Come on, lets pick it back up.

Eleanor: (Has her head turned upward, looking for the cause of the sound in the background as Rita is speaking.) Rita I don’t think this is...

(The creaking and craning sound from above is getting louder and audible as something breaks loose, falling down as dictated by Gravity. Right towards where Rita is standing)

Eleanor: (Jumping in the way, pushing Eleanor out of the way, and looking upward as the over head light that broke loose falls right on her)

Rita: (Looking on in horror as the realization hits her as Honey Pie and Maxwell runs over to the accident) El....ELLIE!? 

Rita: (Narration Text) Honey Pie took her pulse and stuff, they said there was nothing. (Image of Honey Pie trying to find a pulse before shaking their head.) That night, we had to take Eleanor home with us as it would have stirred too much commotion with the media and we wanted time to grieve alone with her. (Maxwell picking up Eleanor as the group in mourning heads back) We had agreed on calling in the lab the next morning about what happened and figure out a funeral arrangement. No I didn’t care if this was potentially illegal. (Eleanor in a bathtub full of ice) In the morning, just as we were about to take care of the arrangements, there was Eleanor, eating breakfast and watching cartoons on the television. ( panels of the band get up and ready to arrange things as they head to the living room as there on the couch is Eleanor, alive and well eating fruity pebbles.)

Eleanor: (Looking up to her stunned batch siblings) Morning guys! Nice prank there with the ice, still surprised I managed to sleep through that one.

Honey Pie: (Still in a state of shock) But..I took your pulse..there was no pulse!

Rita: (Ignoring the fact that her batch sibling has pretty much came back from the grave) ELLLLIE!!! Don’t you ever fucking scare us like that again! (She hugs Eleanor tightly much to the very much confused Eleanor’s surprise)

Eleanor: (Still really confused) Um..okay whatever you say there Rita...Guys help me out here..

Maxwell: (Without saying a word just goes to pick up and hug both Eleanor and Rita, thumping his tail during it)

Rita: (Narration Box) We had assumed originally that Ellie was just knocked unconscious and Honey Pie simply made a mistake. Things were normal at first (The first box has Eleanor as her original self enjoying a show on the TV) But as time went on (Eleanor starts to look odd with somewhat longer hair on her antenna and dimming eyes as she lurches on the couch) We knew something was terribly wrong (Unruly hairy antenna, black eyes, uneven hair as Eleanor walks in a weird fashion, making weird ‘bek’ sounds much to the fright of the rest of the batch.)

Rita: (Has her hands on Eleanor’s shoulders) Ellie, we love you and stuff, but, you gotta go see a doctor at the lab. You’re scaring Maxwell over there (Points to Maxwell hiding under the table) and frankly you’re scaring the shit out of me.

Eleanor: (Looks horrible as the corner of her mouth is drooping) Nothing..*bek*...is wrong...I am fine...*bek*...(her head goes land on Rita’s Shoulder)

Rita: (Gets angry/concerned) No you are not! For fucksake Ellie, please go to the Lab! Your mouth is dropping!

Eleanor: (in Denial) No I’m not...*bek* (Goes to scuffle walk back to her room and somehow manages to close the door)

(Rita just facepalms at this as Honey Pie enters the Room after doing the grocery run.)

Honey Pie: (They look up at Rita) So, how’d it go with Eleanor? 

Rita: (Looking tired and annoyed) Not so good, she’s locked herself in. I’m going to call the lab tomorrow and arrange an appointment. (She goes to help Honey Pie with the Groceries) Like we can’t trim the fur off, it like stays for like thirty minutes before it all grows back.

Honey Pie: (Nods as they get out the steaks for Maxwell) Well now, we’ll have to tell Ellie something then to get her out.

Rita: (Rolls her eyes at this) No duh sherlock.

(The scene changes to later that night at home when most are still asleep as sounds of crunching and munching fills the apartment. This clearly disrupts the sleep of Rita as she gets out of bed to investigate ala morning zombie)

Rita: (Walking along the darkened, half asleep) Maxwell...is that you making that noise...go back to bed already you’re waking the entire apartment..(She reaches for the light switch and lights up the kitchen)

(There is a moment of silence as the scene is brought to light. Before Rita is what looks to be like Eleanor. Eleanor’s face is now a skull like base as her head open to reveal sharp, drooling teeth as she shreds into the raw steaks in the fridge.)

Rita: (Understandingly looks horrified and fully awake as she screams) JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

Eleanor: (Head splits open to let out a banshee shriek right back)

(The commotion wakes up the rest of the batch as Honey Pie and Maxwell enter the scene, Maxwell armed with a mop as Honey Pie is in a state of stunned shock. Eleanor screeches as she climbs up the fridge and onto the ceiling of the kitchen much like a spider would, her head turning right behind her.)

Rita: (Slowly turns to her to face her siblings) ......The lab is out of the question.

Honey Pie: (Looking disgusted) She NEEDS To see a Doctor Rita! Look at her! She’s on the ceiling eating raw meat!

Maxwell: (Silently goes into the kitchen and gently pokes Eleanor with the mop end of the broom to get her down. Eleanor responds by  eating the mop with a hiss)

Rita: (Freaked out) Honey! The Lab might put her in formaldehyde and studied or worse put down! Oh god what if they put us all down!

Honey Pie: (Gesturing) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Look at her Rita, LOOK AT HER! SHE IS PULLING A LINDA BLAIR IN THE KITCHEN! MAXWELL LET THE BROOM GO NOW!

Maxwell: (Quietly lets go of the broom as Eleanor goes to shredding it)

Rita: (Covers her face with her hands) Look, we can’t, what if they put her down..its my fault she’s like this now...can we like find a back alley doctor instead? Maybe that’ll work.

Honey Pie: (Looking at the scene going on in the background as they sigh) Fine, you win..but if she eats a person then we are taking her to the lab.

Rita: (Narration Box) We managed to find a doctor to look in at Eleanor, but..I think he’s as baffled as we are. (Image of Eleanor chewing on the medical set with the doctor hiding in the corner) She Eventually got better...I think (Eleanor is back to doing music as a horrible zombie GELF at the apartment) We even managed to find Ellie a good mask to put on to hide her face with too, Ellie seems to like it. (A final image of the current Eleanor as she is today) I want to say we have her under control, but..she likes to ‘escape’ from time to time (Flash forward to today as they freak out over the missing Eleanor as Rita sends Maxwell out to find her with some raw meats at hand)

Rita: (Back to the present as she puts her headphones down as the two substitute musicians arrive to fill in for tonight’s show) Oh thank god you two showed up! I’m really glad that you two can fill in on such short noticed.

Substitute One: (Grins in a cheesy fashion) Hey its no problem at all dude! I’m really stoked to be playing along side you guys, I’m a fan of horror themed music.

Substitute Two: (Looks around a bit as they look over to Rita) So, what happened to the other two?

Rita: (Smiles in the last frame as the next panel shows Maxwell roaming the streets looking for Eleanor) (Narration Box) Oh, Maxwell is taking care of our band mate, Eleanor, she needed some Medicine. (Next panel shows Eleanor, hands and masked face pressed up against the glass.) Eleanor, just wasn’t feeling like herself today.

Eleanor: (Is looking inside of the Florist show as Lucy and McKenzie are working on a floral display for an upcoming wedding, the scene focuses more towards McKenzie as Eleanor just stares blankly) Bek....bek....bek...bek...

Substitute One: (As a chibi face on the Narration Box) I’m sorry to hear that, I hope Eleanor feels better soon. (End scene)

[purecinema23]

Baby Driver - 3.5 Stars

.

 Style over Substance.  It’s one of those phrases that pops up every now and then when talking about movies, and invariably it’s a derogatory term.  Baby Driver is the epitome of this saying, except you’d suggest that, for this film, it’s not even slightly a bad thing.

 Edgar Wright has been shifting paradigms since he made probably the best zombie movie of the last 30 years with Shaun of the Dead, going on to take well-worn genres and reinvigorating them with his trademark humour (think of Hot Fuzz) or just making something so completely different that comparisons to other films are impossible (like Scott Pilgrim).  With Baby Driver, Wright pays homage to the great heist and car-chase movies of bygone eras, but has also added his own stamp to the genre to create a memorable, if flawed, film.

 The first thing you notice is the soundtrack, which bathes the film in the sounds of the 60s, 70s and 80s, showcasing the borrowed nostalgia that our main character carries through his life on cassette tapes and wheel-dial Ipods.  His name is Baby (that’s b,a,b,y – Baby), and he is played with gusto by the fresh-faced Ansel Elgort, who you may remember from The Fault In Our Stars.  Baby is a socially deficient loner who carries scars from his past and is a prodigy behind the wheel of a car, making him the ideal getaway driver for Kevin Spacey’s gang of heisting thugs, with John Hamm and Jamie Foxx among their number.  It is as Baby is about to complete his final drive for the gang, that he falls head over heels for Debora (played by Lily James, from Downton Abbey).

 The action, particularly in the first half of the film, is nothing short of exhilarating, and is worth the price of admission alone.   In fact, as far as car-action sequences go, this beast is absolutely in the same class as the recent masterpiece, Mad Max: Fury Road in terms of its quality, but the skill-set required is so different.  While Fury Road is all long takes and score, Baby Driver is all about quick edits and a barrage of gunshots and screeching tyres to the tune and tempo of whatever song is playing on Baby’s Ipod.  The music wasn’t an after-thought; it is the centre-piece!  This film is kind of like a chaotic and violent ballet, such is the precision in the movements of the camera and the timing of the choreography. It’s bloody skilful.

 The performances are a mixed bag.  Elgort as Baby is pretty great, managing to be very funny with only a detached look or a charming smile, while Kevin Spacey does a pretty good job of being Kevin Spacey and Lily James is positively charismatic as Baby’s love interest.  In saying that, I found a hard time buying John Hamm in the role he was in, and I think I literally missed about 25% of the jokes told by Jamie Foxx’s character, because I was having a hard time understanding what he was saying.  Was he mumbling?  Was he rushing?  I’m not really sure.

 Probably the biggest problem with the film is the script, the first that Wright has penned without any assistance.  Once again, this is absolutely style over substance, but there are still some glaring issues that caused me to disconnect from the film, no matter how ridiculous the overall plot is.  The film is hilariously funny at times and much of the credit for that must go to the writing, but the characters make a series of odd and jarring decisions that seem to contradict their overall motivations.  Baby is forced into being a criminal but clearly has a heart of gold, so as he begins to fight fire with fire, the audience is maybe able to accept that. But what about the sweet as sugar Debora joining him, ala Bonnie and Clyde?  Some of the criminals also do simply baffling things; some self-sacrifice, others turn on their teammates for bizarre and cartoonish reasons.  And some of these turns in motivation will be drastic and occur in the space of literally 10 seconds, and it’s pretty difficult to understand why.

 You should absolutely go and watch Baby Driver, it’s a lot of fun. Try and keep your expectations in order, though.  Many are calling this the film of the year and Wright’s greatest of his career, and while it is pretty cool as a spectacle and has plenty of memorable moments, it doesn’t quite join the pantheon of great films.  I’m going to give Baby Driver 3.5 Stars.

[meghanmcguire]

On My First (and only) Boyfriend

When I was 13, I had my first boyfriend. His name was Michael. That was his real name. I haven’t changed it for his privacy. Mostly, because I think he has probably forgotten that he “dated” me, and if he ever reads this, it will be a nice reminder for him. To be perfectly honest, I forget about him a lot. I often brag that I have been single for twenty-two and a half years straight, but then I remember my brief fling – and fling is a generous term for what it was – with Michael in the seventh grade. I mean, for all intents and purposes, I have been single for 22 years, but there was Michael.

In our month-long courtship, we held hands once, hugged twice, and slow-danced three times. Our song was “No Air” by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, because we had once awkwardly slow danced to it in the rec center gym.

Michael and I had originally met because we were both in Band. He was a trumpet player, and sometimes I played the saxophone. I had the attitude of a band kid more so than the actual skill of one.

My time near Michael (“with” is too direct a preposition) was not about RO-MAHNCE. It was about trying to seem cool. All the cools kids had boyfriends and girlfriends. More importantly, if someone said yes when my friend Chloe asked him out for me, then that must mean he THOUGHT I WAS COOL! A BOY thought I was COOL (or at least adequate). Sweet, sweet validation.

So then, I had to go about proving to him (and myself) that I was cool. This is always a difficult undertaking when you are, by all accounts, the very opposite of cool.

We went on one real date. It was just the two of us and twelve to fifteen of my closest friends. We went to see “Get Smart,” a 2008 remake of the 1960s television series of the same name, about an incompetent secret agent, Maxwell Smart, who is most famous for having a shoe that is also a telephone. The film starred Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway. Surprisingly, it was not the film for which they received Oscar nominations. It was not necessarily a good movie, but that’s not to say it wasn’t funny and thoroughly enjoyable for the 13-year-old who grew up into a woman who writes “Farts” on every whiteboard she is allowed to touch.

There’s a scene in that movie that I remember just tickled me in which Smart has a ringing in his ears from having been close to an explosion. He is in an important meeting with the chief and the ringing just keeps interrupting him.

OK, you got me! It’s not a very funny scene now that I explain it, BUT when I saw it 9 years ago, boy oh boy, I thought it was good. What made it stand out was not this little piece of comedy. When it first happened, I suppressed my initial guffaw for fear of not seeming “cool.” But that just set off a chain reaction of laughing, because when you’re not supposed to laugh, it’s the one thing you want to do. I mean, have you ever watched a soap opera? I held my breath, hoping that the laugh would pass, reminding myself to be f’ing cool. I was scared of what my “boyfriend” would think.

I then spent the rest of the movie staring at his hand on the other side of the arm rest, wondering how people just serendipitously hold hands.  It seemed like there was no natural way to do it. That baffles me to this day.

Another time, I was walking up and down my best friend’s street, talking to him on my cellphone. I was telling him about the theatre camp I was doing that summer and how he should come see the final performance. He informed me that he didn’t like the theatre and thought it was weird. That was hard to hear for someone whose email address stagestar27@hotmail.com (actual email redacted, because I still get my Forever21 emails sent to that address). I believe in response I said something profound to change his mind like “Haha ‘Kay.” We then ended that phone conversation the way we always did. He told me he loved me, which he didn’t. And I told him I loved him, which I didn’t, and we hung up. We never said such things in person.

We barely knew each other. We had next to nothing in common. I just wanted to be liked. I wanted to seem cool and sophisticated and mature and desirable. And he made me feel that way…at least, the version of him I concocted in my head did. I was in love with the idea of being loved…still am, to be honest, and I just wanted to show people (and myself) that I was capable of such a thing. That’s a crappy reason to be in a relationship – at 13 or 22.  I was afraid to even laugh in front of him, and he thought my primary hobby was weird!

I want to tell you that I broke up with him, because of this, but alas…

Ultimately, I broke up with Michael, because the summer came. I didn’t want to have to go through the effort of maintaining a boyfriend. It meant making plans on the telephone and leaving my house. I mean, once school ends for the year, it was just exhausting. Besides, without school and school dances and people seeing us eat lunch together, there was no point to me. It was never about him. It was always about seeming cool and feeling wanted, and I couldn’t keep that up when we didn’t have school as an excuse to see each other 5 times a week. I had proven that a boy – any boy - could conceivably like me. So, now I could set myself free, back to the single life where I pined after boys and wrote Swiftian (Taylor, not Jonathon) poems about them in my diary, hoping that another boy would notice me, say “yes” to a slow dance, and validate my existence again.

Because I didn’t like Michael, but I liked the way it felt to be liked. It was nice to have people pay attention to me. And I keep hoping that someone will throw their attention this way again in a flirtatious or romatical way or maybe the sun is in their eye and they accidentally wink at me. But until then, I’ll just keep proudly bragging about my almost-perfect track record as a single person.

[invokingbees]

Top Games of the Decade

IT ME FAVOURITE GAMES OF THE LAST DECADE!!!!! OH SHIT!!!!!

Entirely predictable but here you go:

2010 - Demon's Souls

Fuck you! Came out in PAL territories, aka, me, in 2010, so it counts. I played the Souls series ass backwards, and played Demon's nearly last, but I completely and utterly fell in love with it. I've babbled like a fool about it before, but it boils down to its powerful atmosphere of horror and strange hostility, as well as its gameplay which holds up so well, it's still fluid and satisfying, the soundtrack is unique, its mechanics are baffling and weird and I just really, really honestly love it to bits. And you can get back online again with the fan server! Or emulate it if you have a powerbeast of a PC, but no online.

2011 - Dark Souls

I mean, I guess, I've played it four or five times now. It's actually my least favourite of the Souls games for gameplay, it's a step back from Demon's in terms of general movement and combat, but it can't be denied that its lore is so powerful. It sets up a fascinating mythological world of pseudo-materialist fantasy, it's full of implication and possibilities, full of holes and shit that makes no sense and we love it, it's perfect. It's enthralling. I might not enjoy actually playing it but I could talk about it for hours.

2012 - Dishonored

I was never one for stealth games, because I'm shit at them. But for some reason I checked this out and I'm REALLY glad I did. I found the gameplay really fun, the powers are super fun and the levels are great to explore. Also, time stop. But what I came out of the game with was a fascinating setting with a weird Victorian/Dieselpunk setting that goes HARD cosmic horror, but really subtly. Dishonored's world is incredibly well structured, the story of Corvo's revenge against the assassin who killed his girlfriend THE EMPRESS and kidnapped his daughter THE HEIR TO THE THRONE takes precedence, but throughout it all is a looming sense of a cold, hostile universe of weird alien horror. There's the ever-present implication that killing off the whales will make something horrible happen. There's the occult nature of the nameless Outsider and the people who worship it and try to contact it. There's a supercontinent across a monstrous ocean filled with who knows what horrible shit. The setting is so full of flavour and I love exploring it every playthrough.

2013 - Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen & MGR: Revengeance

This poor, poor fucking game. Gutted in production, whittled down, concepts stripped away, areas ripped out. The game isn't even half as big as it was in early production. And yet it is STILL amazing. A grand fantasy adventure with a rich, classic, mythological feel to it, with a fairly unique metaphysical component behind it all. Dragon's Dogma is the story of you, a no-name fucko whose comfy little village gets attacked by the best dragon in all of media, you're the only madman with the sheer balls to attack it, get slapped away, and then get your heart stolen and turned into a semi-immortal Arisen, who is goaded to go fight that fucking dragon. But there is a LOT going on behind the scenes, both in the Duchy of Gransys and the very universe. Dragon's Dogma is like the best loveletter to medieval European fantasy I've ever seen, its monsters have a gnarly medieval manuscript look to them, ripped right out of Classical mythology, folklore and traditional fantasy. There's court intrigue, dark secrets, much talk of destiny and epic quests. Everything about Dragon's Dogma is just pulsating with ADVENTURE. You get up to three other companions, your Pawns, inter-dimensional pseudo-humans whom only the Arisen can command. That's where it starts getting weird, the game has a whole theme about the power of will, cosmic cycles and shit. And that's not even mentioning the SICK FUCKING COMBAT. Directed by Hideaki Itsuno, he of Devil May Cry fame, the game has robust and really powerfully satisfying combat, even a DMC Stinger. You can climb on monsters to attack weak points, glide on harpies, your pawns mimic your strategies like re-lighting extinguished lanterns - there's so many little details you can discover for yourself in exploration and combat. Of course, the game also has the most visually impressive and satisfying magic of any videogame. You haven't felt powerful until you've played a Dragon's Dogma Sorcerer, calling down meteors, summoning spires of ice, point blank sniping drakes out of the fucking AIR, or piggy-backing on your Sorcrer pawn's in-progress spell to suddenly unleash a massive torrent of DAMAGE. Gransys is also a beautiful place to explore, and the main hub, Gran Soren, feels like a proper huge town, as well. The game has quirks, mainly in its slightly weird levelling system, as well as the delightful pawn chatter that reminds you at every turn how wolves hunt, or what goblins are weak to. But then there's Dark Arisen, a tragic tale set in a pocket dimension or possible 'outside' realm, pitting you against the rage of a former Arisen who spurned the cycle, a massive hard as shit megadungeon full of really great stuff. I just cannot recommend it enough, and it's on just about literally every fucking platform.

I have never played a Metal Gear game before. I'm a shitter and they're kind of hard to track down where I am. Just how it is. I'm also massively intimidated by them. But then I watched Super Best Friends (RIP) play this fucking nonsense and I knew I had to feel it for myself. What is there to say? It's fun, it's goofy, it's played totally straight and quite serious at times, it's an absolute meme engine, it's so full of character and flavour, it is undistilled HYPE jammed into a disc by divine spirits and doled out to humanity. I'm not a character action man, never been good at DMC games, and I will never be good at them, or this, but by GOD do I have fun whenever I play it. Zandatsu is just the shit, forever, every song is GREAT, the game so expertly drives and controls moments of exciement and tension, it's like a big blockbuster movie that actually cares and has something complex at the core of it. Yeah there's like political and cultural concepts and musings and that's great, but I'm an idiot who wants to cut things with my sword. Everything and everyone is charismatic, and most importantly, totally earnest. It never really winks at you or says 'hurr we're sooo cuh-razy amirite', it just does its thing and nothing ever feels out of place. We can be talking about destabilizing impoverished nations with corporation-led private armies one moment and chuckling at MEMES DNA OF THE SOUL the next and it feels fucking normal. I'm rambling but I just really love Revengeance and I have no idea how to handle it. What an entry point into such a convoluted series.

2014 - Dark Souls II

Ah yes, the black sheep of the family, the only one not directed (but kinda overseen) by Miyazaki, with a notoriously troubled production whose director was fired halfway through and replaced, then the game kind of scrambled together. But, like Dragon's Dogma, it kind of worked out well. DaS2 is recognizably Dark Souls. But what I like most about it is, like a lot games I love, the story, the world, the feeling. Dark Souls 1 and 3 are grand, they're about cycles and fates and illusions, but DaS2 has a really personal angle. You came to Drangleic to free yourself of the curse. You're not a Chosen Undead or anything, you're someone that by their own hand, went out to cure themselves of the undead curse. You got there, and found the kingdom in shambles, the king gone, something horrible having happened. So you find out that he probably has the answer, and you go track him down, only slightly unwittingly following in his own footsteps, doing what he did. Before you know it, you're fit to become the next monarch. And when you finally do find the king, hollowed and mindless, well you best pick up the pieces and do this monarch thing. And you do it...maybe. You take the throne, the most powerful being in the world. It's up to you what happens next. Or maybe you don't, and leave to find another way out of the curse. I love the feel of Drangleic, it feels wartorn, I love the details put into making you feel like you're traversing an old battlefield with the hollowed out soldiers still following their last orders, their last memories. The Giants, as characters, are fascinating, however little we get of them. Revealed to not be monsters, but a people King Vendrick attacked and stole something from, who struck back in violent retalation for a horrible wrongdoing. Dark Souls 2 is just far enough removed from Dark Souls 1 that it could be its own things that brings over a few core ideas. I would have liked to see that happen in Dark Souls 3, but alas. My love of Dark Souls 2 is almost all lore, world, flavour. Its gameplay is actually fine, I think, a lot of people think its bad but I think DaS1 combat is pretty bad. The game has issues, like the doubling down on difficulty but not really getting it well, but for all the problems it has, it does a ton of things very well. It introduced some great ideas we never saw again, like bonfire ascetics, powerstancing, a changed up NG+, full left-hand movesets, and so on.

2015 - Bloodborne

You don't even know, you can't even comprehend, I doubt you could even imagine my love for this thing. It was my first 'Souls' game (although I think it's different enough it shouldn't be lumped under that banner) and it is, to this day, and forever shall be, my favourite. It is, in my opinion, THE best piece of modern Lovecraftian media out there. Period. It handles everything just so right, despite being an action game, it never betrays what makes Lovecraftian, and wider cosmic horror work. I could go on a very, very long time about all of this and one day I might. Bloodborne is just basically perfect, tonally, thematically, it's so rich and weird and intricate and it is, all of it, balanced with masterful precision. Gameplay-wise, it's just so f u c k i n g o o d. Like, this here, this is the best it's ever been. DaS1 feels like glacial ass compared to this, awkward, stuttering, lacking in energy. DaS2 is fine, in fact I think it's the best speed for the Souls game, but man are like all of the movesets just really bizarre and unsatsifying. DaS3 is just turbomode seizure-souls with zero weight, and don't get me started on the bossfights. But Bloodborne? It is both fast and heavy, the ferocity of attacks has weight, everything hits with satisfaction, every weapon is tailor made to be unique and feel unique. The game is a labour of love made with tech more than capable of realizing it, and it shows. There's nary a thing in the game that doesn't feel polished, that doesn't feel out of place. We know from datamining Bloodborne got switched around and whittled down a lot, but these were clearly necessary changes by a director honing a concept into perfection. And just as a weird cosmic horror gothic action game, it's so strange in just general existence it deserves to stand out and be praised. And although shitters and fools will bandie around the word edgy, they're tasteless jackasses with no ounce of aesthetic nuance.

2016 - Dark Souls III and Far Cry: Primal

CAVEMAN SHIT IS COOL AND WE REALLY DON'T GET ENOUGH OF IT. Never played a Far Cry game apart from this one, never plan to! I just like me unga bungas! What can I say, the land of Oros is gorgeous, the light, the trees, the mountains, the marshes, the animal sounds and deep rumble of caves, the proto Indo-European language crafted especially for the game, it's a place I just like walking around. It's supremely comfy and dangerous and exciting. Gameplay is a complete template sure, regardless of having never touched another Far Cry game I can feel that, but it sure as shit works.

Dark Souls 3 is a very complex game, because while it's a total smorgasbord of top tier dark fantasy aesthetics, none of it really comes together very well, it's a game oozing with creativity, but also feels like a haphazard mishmash. It's a game Miyazaki didn't really want to make, but had to, after the reception of DaS2. But for all that it's just Bloodborne Souls, it's still a fantastic game full of memorable enemies, areas, bosses, a game with a really unique general tone of exhaustion in every little detail, of a world falling apart at the seams. And you don't save it, either. The good end of Dark Souls 3 is the end of fire, but it doesn't really accomplish anything other than letting nature take its long diverted course. The DLCs don't fix that either, everything ends up in the Dreg Heap, all of 'human enterprise' for naught, but there's a smidgen of hope in the new painted world whose pigment is Dark. As you can tell I like DaS3 far more for its atmosphere and flavour rather than its story (which actually makes no sense whatsoever and is the worst in the series due to being literally incomprehensible and unfinished) or gameplay, which is perfectly fine and fun at many points, but the bossfights mostly boil down to flailing around like a fucking lunatic with 15 hit combos. There's concepts like the Deep which are so fundamentally important to major players but vague and with little to no elaboration. I literally couldn't tell you what Pontiff Sulyvahn was about, and he's supposed to be the main villain? DaS3 suffered its internal change arounds in a way that it came out weaker, with many other concepts dashed aside. But that doesn't stop it all from being fascinating and being a nicely definitive, if massively obscure, ending to a landmark series. When your game ends at the literal end of all time, you're done. Good night.

2017 - 2019 fucking nothing I guess

Yeah not even joking here, gaming more or less ended in 2016 for me. Yes I've played games since then but nothing's left an impact for me the ways the others have, and I played all those past their prime. All but two of my favourites were Japanese games, too.

Honourable Mentions:

The Elder Scrolls Skyrim

Gotta mention it. Dumped literal years into this fucking thing. And that was on Xbox 360 with no mods! But it proved far too shallow in the end, and even with the Special Edition that allowed mods on consoles, it's just not good enough. Frankly, Dark Souls has ruined videogames for me and I pray Bethesda pull up the slack with TES6 and reintroduce the flavour that makes TES what it is, and gives us more than serviceable combat. But as for Skyrim, it's fucking boring and shallow, story is rail-roady as fuck, combat is just terrible aside from some magick, although Shouts will be forever iconic, and will be one the more fun and interesting videogame powers for me.

Death Stranding

I got to this a little late, and had I played it earlier and completed it, it would likely be 2019's best game for me. As I'm still barely into it, I can't say much more than its mechanics are fantastically fresh, no game has made just walking around so enthralling and the world is compelling and bizarre. Every BT encounter is tense and boy are they fuckin spooky. I'm dying to know where it'll go next.

God of War

I'm a fan of the old GoW games because they're really fun and super over the top. GoW2 is one of my favourite games, it's incredibly well made, great environments and combat and bosses. It's a big ol' blockbuster. Dad of Boy is a very different beast. Scaled way, way down, and given the Sony Cinematic treatment, though not necessarily to its detriment. The game has problems. I mean, yeah, Kratos snapping Baldr's neck and saying 'violence is bad' is kind of fucking stupid, but I guess I get what they were going for. Gameplay-wise, pretty good. The axe is satisfying, though the Blades of Chaos are more so, and actual hits do feel nice and heavy, though I bemoan the lack of blood. What's most suprising is how it felt like a God of War game just from a different angle, the exploration and puzzles were familiar in feel. In fact I have a lot of praise for the game in its characters and gameplay, even its story. But I'll probably never play it again. Once completed I felt absolutely no want to go back again, despite the NG+ introduction. I hope they follow it up.

Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order

I was very unsure about this but something took a hold of me and one trade in of Skyrim later, I was home playing Star Wars. And oh look, it's the best piece of Star Wars media since the buyout! Mandalorian aside, but there's very little that feels 'Star Wars' about that other than the paintjob. Anyway. Fallen Order takes place somewhere between episodes 3 and 4 in a newly risen Empire before Luke and all that shit happens. Ex-Padawan Cal Kestis is hiding out on some junkyard scrapper world and has to run when he saves a buddy with the Force. He teams up with an ex-Jedi, a space goblin, the best droid buddy ever and eventually a goth alien to find a Jedi Holocron containing info on young Force-sensitives throughout the galaxy before the Empire gets it. It has a wonderful sense of adventure to it, and that really holds it together. I actually think it feels like a remaster of an older gen game, to be honest, especially the platforming which just feels far too videogamey, but that doesn't stop it from being fun. The combat is almost ripped right out of Sekiro but I like this waaaaay more than Sekiro. Effortlessly deflecting blaster shots back at Stormtroopers and taking out whole groups is the good shit. Fighting melee guys is challening but never oppresively so, and bossfights against Inquisitors are fairly gruelling but rewarding. If you're a shitter with no reaction times like me, you can switch that up almost on the fly so you don't end up feeling like every encounter is a chore. Best of all is the lightsaber customization, a necessity for any Jedi-centric Star Wars game and now you can even remove Cere Junda's ligthsaber switch with the latest update! But you know what? Unless they release DLC, like God of War, I don't know if I'll ever play it again.

Ziggurat

Combining wizards, Quake and rogue-likes, Ziggurat has you playing a wizard shooting your way through a trial to be accepted into an order of magicians. That's it. You get your wand and can pick up a rapid fire staff weapon, mid-range spell weapon and slow but powerful alchemy weapon. There's a bunch of different ones for each type, some better or more satisfying than others. There's talismans that can grant special abilities but with long recharge times. Most importantly there's the level up system where you must choose one or two random perks each time. This is where the variety and replay value comes in, making the most of perks you get and potentially building absolute beasts of characters over five levels. Games are short but sweet. You unlock different characters too, based on things achieved in-game. Each character starts with a number of perks and some have unique handicaps like low starting health or levelling up slower. Honestly, not much to say other than I really enjoy it, it's super fun to pick up for half an hour and play.

[pelikinesis]

warning:  this was a casual review of the movie Outcast, until it wasn’t (and then it kept going)

i just watched Outcast, because it was free on Tubitv and because it had Nicolas Cage and Hayden Christensen on top billing. the fact that it was supposed to be set in 12th century China was even more baffling, and probably racist. it has a 5% on Rotten Tomatoes. but...

but i had to know. i had to see this for myself. so i did.

and now that i have, i’m puzzled as to what exactly they were going for.

amongst other things, they literally forget about one character. there’s a random peasant girl, and i say that because that’s how she was first introduced, and given that she has virtually no other scenes and does literally nothing of significance, she’s still just a random peasant girl by the end of the movie.

the only thing she contributes is that, by rescuing her, Hayden Christensen’s PTSD Crusade veteran can be reminded he’s redeemable. she interacts maybe once with each main character afterwards in short, terse scenes. tomorrow i’ll wake up, remember watching Outcast, and struggle with my own memory on if there was a fourth character in that movie and call bullshit on myself. that might even be the main point of writing this, to prove it wasn’t a completely mundane embellishment on my part.

and i start off mentioning that, because it’s the only way to explain how Nicolas Cage is in a movie where he’s missing an eye, sports the most improbable and jarring hairstyle yet, and at one point wears live snakes on his arms while yelling in incomprehensible angrish at Hayden Christensen who is in a fever dream, and yet i have to remind myself of those details because his character is somehow forgettable. 

and i may be biased, but i imagine it has to do with how little he is in the movie. I’d be surprised if he were in more than 30 minutes of the entire movie. he’s there in the prologue, appears in a handful of flashbacks, then shows up at the end to have a dramatic Boromir-esque final stand shortly after telling his whole “here’s what i was up to between the beginning of the movie and now, it’s very tragic, let me tell you, in words, in expository dialogue, in this incredibly visual medium, what happened to me and why you should care”

another thing i’m going to remember tomorrow is Nic Cage’s shockingly mediocre rousing speech to his troops ala King Theoden at Helm’s Deep (the LotR references are apt in the worst way, trust me), because no such thing happened, and yet it needed to, for the climactic battle of traitorous Blackguard vs. Nic Cage’s wacky mountain bandits. because otherwise, the mountain bandits have no incentive to risk their lives for the falsely-framed prince--it’s been established multiple times that no other group, not the palace guards, nor town inhabitants, nor merchant caravans from the Middle East, were willing to fight on behalf of the true heir to the throne against the patricidal tyrant prince. 

but no such speech happened. there’s an incredibly bitter reunion between the two white Crusade veterans where they clear up a minor misunderstanding, become friends, and then suddenly not only Nic Cage but his entire mountain bandit gang are down to fight against impossible odds against the best soldiers of the empire. at the very least they needed a scene where they somehow agreed they were going to do this thing, but they didn’t even go through the motions. 

i was actually confused when i saw them starting to collectively mess with jars and powder and stuff. i thought they might be deciding to flee or something, and then i was wondering if i must have misheard or misinterpreted the past several minutes of dialogue. What was their plan, exactly? I understand why it had to be a last, desperate stand with no possible escape routes (hence the Helm’s Deep reference)--because the prologue of the movie had to have a call-back at the end, with the turntables bieng turned. very poetic, yes.

but there’s no indication that this battle has to happen. They’re deep in the mountains. They’re being harried by a force of fully armed and heavily armored infantry. They had to cross a large river and were only seen getting across in a series of thin, canoe-like boats. there’s every indication that the main characters, aside from Anakin, had time to come up with a plan beside “last stand against hopeless odds” because while i can buy some of the Blackguard catching up to their general area, it couldn’t be the entire overwhelming force presented in the climactic battle.

on the other hand, if in fact several days or even weeks had passed and Anakin was unconscious for the whole time, as opposed to at most a day as all clues indicate, then Nic Cage would have asked the royal siblings and maybe even Random Peasant Girl what the hell was going on, and could have made preparations for escape well before the Blackguard could have arrived in force.

come to think of it, they basically started off a set of character arcs and only like one or two got resolved, namely between Anakin and Chinese Padme. i mean, the character is literally a princess so this analogy actually works. also, the actress clearly was doing the best she could with the script, much like Natalie Portman. it was the most okay thing about the movie. she even gets a feminist speech in on Anakin, though unfortunately his reaction scene is very rushed.

so i’ll always be in favor of gratuitous feminist speeches, as opposed to gratuitous sexist speeches, when it comes to both fiction and real life, and even though it seems rather bold for a 12th century Chinese princess to tell off a white Christian crusader about how the horrors of war also affect women, interrupting his guilt-ridden man-pain pity party at a perfect moment. and he pauses and then says ‘u rite’ which would be fine if the camera didn’t end  the scene with a very short shot of his face turned away from the camera. should have been right on him shoving his foot knee-deep into his own mouth. for symbolism.

and when i say it’s gratuitous, i do believe that’s mostly a function of that scene ending so quickly. if that scene continued, it could have gone somewhere interesting, even flowed into their obvious romantic arc.

finally, the whole concept of a movie about white European crusaders finding themselves caught up in a royal coup in Song Dynasty-era China (unless i’m doing history wrong, which is very possible) after being disillusioned and traumatized by their war experiences in Jerusalem--that’s not a bad concept. 

the prospect of following a character who started off galvanized by genuine religious fervor, to struggling with the reality that the Crusades, like the majority of other wars, is about greed and power, then ended up complicit in war crimes and massacres just by doing their job as soldiers and holy duty as Christians--as they go from that to becoming embroiled in the bloodshed of royal succession, that’s a jarring-ass thing. they’re completely difference worlds in every meaningful sense.

but the fact is, the writing isn’t very good, at least not in the state it was clearly cut into, and furthermore, the above concept would only be sufficiently meaningful if the film was done with a Chinese language, where Hayden Christensen and Nicolas Cage do their dialogue in the language of the setting the film is set in. there’s absolutely no way that subtext could be earned when it’s the presence of the two top-billed white males as part of the rationale for a film that was filmed in, set in, and made most of its money in China to have English be the spoken language.

and that’s super annoying because i hate the fact that I have to read the synopsis of a movie like Outcast and be correct in assuming there’s something racist about--because there didn’t have to be. this could have been--no, there COULD BE films featuring multicultural casts of characters set in the distant past that aren’t racist, or pandering, or whatever. i wish i didn’t need the skepticism that i have to that idea.

the whole prospect of different people from different places in the world suddenly cross paths, at a time when the world was so comparatively disconnected it was effectively much larger, and living in different empires were essentially living in different worlds, is always interesting to me, precisely because i’m so bad at history. Just looking at the wikipedia page for my birth year to see what events occurred at the same time i debuted my life, it’s overwhelming.

in 1989 the Showa era gave way to the Heisei era in Japan, a distinction i really only understand in the context of Kamen Rider; Ted Bundy was executed in Florida; the nation of Iran placed a $3 million bounty on Salman Rushdie for authoring The Satanic Verses;  Exxon spilled 240,000 barrels of oil into the waters around Alaska; there were the Tiananmen Square protests; the Game Boy was released; The Berlin Wall is torn down; The Velvet Revolution begins in Prague; Salvadore Dali and Lucille Ball both died that year.

one thing that struck me is how simultaneously few and many names there are in the births and deaths lists. the pattern that emerges from these lists is on the one hand, unsurprising, but on the other, infuriating in a way. performers and politicians populate these lists. everyone else becomes relegated to memory. just like Random Peasant Girl. i could imagine a writer gave her a couple more scenes that would have made her a meaningful character in the movie. and those scenes got deleted, and her story doesn’t make it into the film that people saw.

i just realized how far this has gone from what was originally a review or rant of Outcast. I’ve been watching a lot of video essays recently, most of which are about video game franchises. they’re really well done, at least the one’s I’ve seen. Off of the top of my head I remember the name Noah Caldwell-Gervais, or something like that. Cadwell, maybe. I’d check, but then I’d probably keep writing, at least until the weed wears off completely.

it’s weird how listening and watching essays makes me miss writing/composing essays, giving speeches, and all that. or maybe it’s just weird how i like doing that sort of thing. or how i’m really impressionable. or maybe Outcast was weird. 

Outcast *is* weird. I also hope that we’re reaching the tail end of the ongoing film industry convention of giving movies really bland, generic names. Outcast. Jumper. Shooter. mmm, no, i should take back that last point. i’d have to look at more lists of movies to see whether this is just confirmation bias or actually a thing. Jumper and SHooter are way older movies too i think. anyways, i hope that we’re reaching the tail end of a lot of things that are currently ongoing. like white supremacy and continuing to permit systems of governance that permit and entrench white supremacy and other bullshit.

[stopsubstanceabuse1-blog]

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Days 51 to 55 - Borroloola Eastward

Friday was mainly spent in and around the caravan, working on our blogs and photos, a bit of cooking, paying bills, reading (yes, in the daytime) – and I wrote a bit more of my diatribe about Australia’s non-democracy.  It still needs some editing and I’m not sure what to do with it even when finished, but at least I feel a little ‘purged’ for having written down some of the things that have exercised my frustration over many years.  I have a list of topics that I would like to write about at some time, but it takes discipline and I am feeling that my current level of personal freedom doesn’t lend itself so easily to that much discipline.

In the evening, we went to the Malandarri aboriginal festival at the Borroloola Showgrounds. It was a real family event and whities were very welcome too. We watched quite a few groups of aboriginal women and girls (no males at all) doing some traditional dances – and there were also performances by an Indian and an Islander woman that were very different from the aboriginal dances. There were several food stalls there – a couple of BBQ places and cakes and drinks – as well as some art and craft stalls.  There were probably 50 or 60 whites there and maybe 4 or 5 times that many aboriginals and it was all a lot of fun.  The kids (scads of them) were running around and having a ball, all very excited and enjoying the dances with the rest of us – especially the more athletic and colourfully-costumed Indian and Islander ones.  I think the Islander woman may have been one of their teachers and they all adored her and everyone danced together at the end of the night.  It was only 8.30 when it finished, but until we got there, we didn’t realise that the main event was actually scheduled for Saturday afternoon and evening so we decided to stay on for another day so we could enjoy the additional celebration.  The food was pretty normal western stuff, but there was supposed to be a variety of bush tucker and traditional fare available on Saturday and we wanted to sample that too.

The gates opened for the festival at 2pm on Saturday so we went down there a bit after 3pm only to find nothing happening.  We ended up sitting in the car reading for a couple of hours before people started arriving so we went in and still stood around for over an hour before anything looked like getting under way.  I got our chairs out of the car and we set ourselves up in a good possy so we could see everything.  People then set up in front of us, so we moved in front of them and so it went.  In the end, there seemed always to be kids and/or people with cameras in front of us so if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  We sat for a few minutes, then jumped up to take some photos, retreated to our chairs and did it all again.

There were traditional aboriginal dances from each of the four clans/language groups as well as the extremely energetic Indian and Islander dancers from the night before.  They each performed two or three times during the evening as well as dancing with a large group of kids that they had apparently been workshopping with in the previous few days.  There was also a Fijian group that did a very impressive traditional war dance and this time, some of aboriginal groups included some men whose dancing were more active and vigorous, but it was the aboriginal women dancing that really puzzled me. There were quite a lot of dancers in eachgroup, but they seemed to my uneducated eye to be almost identical and with no apparent objective.  Each group consisted of a line of women, it looked like the oldest first down to quite young girls, some needing some help from an older sister or mother.  When the music/singer started, they seemed to do little more than shuffle along in single file for perhaps 30 seconds, then stop and have a chat or a giggle - and after a while the music would begin again and after further discussion (almost seemed like an argument at times), off they would go again - and this process was repeated 4 or 5 times for each 'dance'.  For most of them, all the dancers held a white ribbon or scarf at 45 degrees to the vertical (and 45 degrees to the horizontal, both at the same time!!)  To me, all the music/chanting also sounded the same, but I am sure it meant something special in the local languages.  There was no explanation for those of us who were uninitiated (both figuratively and literally) and although their families seemed hugely impressed by each dance, I was left wondering what in the world it was all about.

Things moved along reasonably quickly with lots of group, each performing up to about 6 or 7 dances interspersed with the Indian, Islander and Fijian group doing their Bollywood, Hula Hula and War Dance to liven things up. All in all, it was an experience that I would not have missed, even if I came away more mystified than ever about what dance is all about.  Most people love to dance and some form of dance seems to be part of every culture.  Alas, I just don’t understand why.

I am not a dancer.  In primary school, we were compelled to learn some dancing of which I now have virtually no recollection beyond that of horror.  It was embarrassing, we had to touch the hands of girls (probably worse, boys too, but I can't remember), and I hated every dreadful second with a passion. Once I got a LOT older, I didn't mind touching girls' hands but I still can't jive, do the waltz, the tango, the twist or any of the other dances people seem to enjoy.  My mind can hold the tune (if there is one) and sometimes the beat, but my body is simply not capable of complying with the requirements of whatever the music suggests to other people. After a few whiskeys, if the hour is late and music is slow enough, I can almost manage the Clutch and Stagger or the Grope and Grind, but that is my absolute limit.

Having said that, dance fascinates me in a somewhat scientific way, at least some forms of dance, specifically ballet and modern dance.  I marvel at the performers who seem to defy the laws of physics - and I am invariably nonplussed by how they do it.  They perform an axel or a pirouette or a cabriole and hang in the air for much longer than seems consistent with my understanding of gravity.  They leap and traverse heights and distances that must surely break Olympic records. They move at speeds and contort into shapes that are clearly non-human, almost mystical, quite beyond anything that fits within my sense of feasibility.  Bodies curl and straighten in ways that seem possible only if the dancers’ bones were completely flexible.  I see it with my own eyes, but still find it hard to believe.  It is beautiful, elegant, graceful – and baffling. I enjoy watching dance, but it is more an exercise for my mind than something I could use to exercise my body.

Back to the festival, the night ended with four different local indigenous bands playing a bracket of songs, mostly original compositions, some a bit political, but much more western in style.  We stayed for the first two bands, but left about 10pm so I imagine it would have been a pretty late night for some people.

Sunday, we packed up and went to Hell.  Well, not quite, but we got as far as the Gate – and stayed overnight.  Hells Gate is a roadhouse about 300km east of Borroloola, just inside Queensland.  We approached it with a little trepidation on two accounts.  We had been warned how badly the road deteriorated once we crossed the border – and it did, but not that much – and a good bit of the road was bitumen anyway.  And I imagined the roadhouse to be dry and desolate like Nullarbor or Caiguna. Instead, it was a lush green oasis, everything damp from the automatic sprinklers scattered around the extensive lawn area, good amenities, clean with plenty of good water: not at all Hells Gate-ish!  And the birds – everywhere!  From Borroloola, we had seen very few birds until we got to about 10 clicks short of the border and from then on, we have seen thousands. We even clicked over the 200 mark on our trip-count. It is currently 204 species, including 35 new ticks for us since leaving home.  One species we haven’t seen a lot of was the grey-crowned babblers, but there was a group of them at Hells Gate.  They are always in groups, maybe 6 to 12 or 15 when we have seen them, and there were 8 in the family at HG.  They are extremely gregarious, always busy, chattering constantly to each other, chasing and scratching and staying closely in touch with the group. There was a mirror on the wall outside the ablutions and a couple of the babblers saw two intruders to their group in the mirror and immediately flew up and made a huge racket, pecking and babbling and trying to get to know (or chase off) the two strangers.  They gave up after a while, but returned to the fray 2 or 3 times before we finished packing up and leaving.  It was highly comical and it got us wondering about what was happening in their bird-brains.

We had particularly wanted to do the trip out east because it would enable us to have travelled the entire length of the Savannah Way from Cairns to Broome by the time we get to the west coast.  We have done Burketown to Cairns a couple of times before, but it is an iconic Aussie road-trip and we wanted to do all 3699km of it.  A lot of what we have travelled so far has been true savannah country, metre high grassland with sparsely distributed trees and little or no scrub.  Along this part of the track, there were some pretty impressive rocky outcrops, flat ridges with a tumble of giant stones down the slopes, mainly in vivid reds and oranges, but nearly always being swallowed up in the grass at the foot of the ranges.

The drive through to Burketown was uneventful although I had woken with a sore throat that got worse as we went along and was joined by a headache later in the day.  We set up in the caravan park early in the afternoon and went exploring.  There is not a lot to see, but we drove 6km out to the Albert River and found about a dozen caravans set up out there for the fishing.  It was a bit like we expected HG to be – hot, dry and desolate, eroded salt-flats along the bank and prominent threats of crocs posted, but the hardy fisherpeople were poised waiting for conditions to be just right for them to cast a line and hope for another barra.  (Burketown is touted as the Barra Capital of Queensland.)

We retreated to our happy hour and the comfort of our air conditioner and waited for the hotel kitchen to open to go and enjoy a hearty pub meal.  When walking through the bar, I got button-holed by an aboriginal guy, mildly tipsy I suspect, who asked quite a few questions about us and then ask if he could record me.  He is apparently involved with the local ABC radio and wanted to do a programme including an interview with one of the southerners who was visiting town.  I managed to dodge the issue by emphasising the urgency with which I needed the Cowboys Corral and that my wife and meal were waiting for my return to the dining room.

We frequently change our plans as we go along and this time has been no exception.  We had expected to stay overnight in Burketown then return on the same route until somewhere past Cape Crawford, but during the day, we decided to head south to Camooweal and back along the Barkley Highway for a few hundred clicks.  Unfortunately, that plan failed too because I am still feeling pretty rotten and Heather woke up with some of the same symptoms this morning so we have decided to have a very easy day in the hope of a quick recovery.  I am spending the day in bed – not easy for me – and Heather is taking it a bit easy, but still up and doing a little bit of hand washing and cleaning, etc.  Hopefully, Heather will be fine and I will be feeling better tomorrow and we will be on our way again, albeit initially 300+km south before turning west as originally planned for today.