#is this anyone else’s pet peeve or am I being dumb again

[jacarandaaaas]

it is almost 2024 WHEN are we gonna stop the “reason why mirabel didn’t get a gift” theories. like please there’s so much stuff in the movie that’s way more important 😭

[minniepetals]

Hello I hope this does not come off as rude or overly harsh which unsolicited criticism often tends to be but there are just a few pet peeves I have with cmar.

Y/N has literally been hurt by so many people which is kind of odd considering she is "pretty" and the daughter of a mafia leader tho one who doesn't care about her. Still there is no way it wouldn't have given her privilege even if it was hidden that she was her daughter ppl definitely will be hesitant to hurt to hurt her.

Also the reasons why she hates these people are all the same that they hurt her and/or harrassed her which is fine but it gets so repetitive.

Also earlier in the story its very unbelievable how a sweet girl like yn so insecure of her emotions would end up as this weird emo like no emotions gal. Like ik the whole point is that she has been hurt so much that she became this way but even when oneself is trying to survive by blocking out emotions they preserve a bit of their past selves not intentionally but just naturally. I just feel that yn is so bland now, the "oh i don't show emotions unless I am having a mental breakdown" just seems overplayed because if she is having so many panic attacks on the regular she is DEFINITELY an emotional person and one who shows it too since she's kinda bad at hiding them from anyone who looks at all more than 2 sec at her.

The healing arc should definitely be here yet cuz yn is not dumb and since pointless revenge is not giving her peace she should try something else? Like it honestly feels like Tumblr teens who post edgy things about mental illness but don't wanna heal from it cuz that's their only personality trait.

Again, I did thoroughly enjoy the first half of cmar and I send this with no ill intent. I just wonder if you can elaborate a bit of your thought process for the above so that I can read the rest of the chapters without being annoyed by these things.

first of all, thanks for your input because obviously i'm not the greatest writer out there and getting to know this part of my writing helps me out a lot! and of course, i can definitely walk you through my thought process without spoiling too much. it's gonna be long so i'll leave it under the cut

the thing with being pretty in this context, and it's kinda a theme with the mafia world in cmar, is that the pretty ones (i say pretty ones because seokjin and jimin are also considered pretty and went through some similar harassment) are taken advantage of by their beauty. like attracting creepy old men for example and sure there's that privilege of turning people over to your side but that comes with the issue of trusting whether their intentions are good or not -- and y/n is always on the edge. she also hates the spotlight and attention and only uses her pretty privilege to an advantage if she needs to for a mission. not to mention the men in the mafia world are pretty much psychopaths who gets upset easily. you can only do so much with a pretty face. a pretty face may attract easily but being pretty isn't the reason people stay with you or will always take your side. and at the end of the day, these men live off power and control.

y/n hates a lot of people but the whole thing with her revenge arc isn't her going after people that have only harassed her. her first man was her father and you know the story with that. the second was daejung, who had kidnapped her when she was only fourteen and that traumatized her. jummy, though was abusive, wasn't her target, it was his brother ying, who trafficked children and the reason why she went after him was to save those children. leehyun was a predator who got her to fear the touch of men. nari wasn't even a part of the list because yeah she harassed y/n but that was all. y/n doesn't only care entirely about the people that only harassed her, it goes a little deeper than that. and now our next target is karl who (spoiler alert) is behind the reason to y/n's first and only reaper who died (aka nakyum), and the other ones i can't explain cuz they're not revealed yet lmao. but all in all, her hit list are individual people that have done her wrong through different reasons.

i guess it's fair for you to say that our y/n has gotten bland. that is of course your view and i can't change your perspective on her personality. it's a bit harder to explain since not a lot has been revealed about what went on during that mysterious ten year gap (with her shift of personality), but i guess a good reason i can give is the fact that most of the storytelling is in y/n's perspective, which means whatever she says or think may or may not actually be accurate information. aka her outtake on not wanting to be an emotional person but her actions contradicts her thoughts. like if you were to read things through mingyu's perspective, he'd definitely agree with you saying she's an emotional person because he's there to witness her breakdowns, etc. y/n on the other hand likes to pretend she doesn't care about anything and tries to shut her emotions off but, again, her actions contradicts her wants and beliefs. and the same goes with her emotional thoughts, her panicked thoughts, etc. for example on the inside, we can read through her thoughts and the things she's saying like when nari's guys went to touch her and she's internally panicking, along with when karl touched her. we can read her thoughts because, again, the story's mostly in her pov, but from an outsider's perspective, she looks calm and cool and aloof but you may or may not see or understand that because you, as readers, are deep into her thoughts so it's easy to understand her from within because we've gotten to know her a lot, but again, a lot of her panicked state (when in front of people she doesn't trust) occurs internally. jungkook and the boys have come to know and understand her a bit more so they can identify it better now but previously they only thought of her as an emotionless dickhead.

the healing arc is dragged on but i would say for good reason because, well, i guess there's some important points that i haven't touched on yet that i feel should be addressed before we head for her healing. there's this quote that two anons sent me that could sum up a good explanation to your criticism here and that's: "Sometimes we don't want to heal because the pain is the last link to what we've lost." as well as: "I am destroying myself so other people can't , and it's the worst kind of control, but it's the only form I know" and maybe this might not be a good enough explanation but i feel like when it comes to people who's dealt with lots of things, it's not easy to just "give up" on what they're doing and head to healing. it's easier said than done. i wouldn't say she's similar to an angsty teen but she's definitely immature in her own ways and that's partly because, in a way, she's still grappling with her lost childhood. her revenge is pointless, yes, and she knows it's not giving her the peace she wants but maybe she's hurting herself on purpose, maybe she can't just "heal" because hurt is all she's known her entire life, because it's the only thing she's used to.

idk if i've elaborated enough but that's a bit of my thought process. if i went on any longer, i'd probably accidentally spoil major stuff lmao and i think this is long enough oop- but i hope that even if none of this changes your mind, you can understand a bit of my perspective (as best as i tried to explain it haha) 💗

[lilliebabie]

tw: self condescension, loneliness, general mental illness and negative subjects (possibly psychotic thoughts)

This is not something to read if you are regressed

i dont feel good. i feel ill right now. its really embarrassing because i know its childish and unimportant and no one else would care like this but basically ive been a huge fan of the magnus archives since summer 2020 and its been a big part of my life, i was genuinely hyper fixated on it for a while like it was what i was thinking about seventy percent of the time. its still the only piece of media I consistently read fics for. I prepared myself well for its end and coped with it remarkably well for someone as pitiful as myself. i accepted it and felt okay. i really really felt ok, and satisfied and satiating and an appropriate amount of sad. i thought it was a good ending. a well written one. anyone with any good media literacy skills can probably know that an melancholy yet ambiguous ending was best for a show like tma. one of my biggest pet peeves is when pieces of media that closed their stories extremely intentionally and cleanly open it up again for more money and because there out of ideas. And tma isn’t even doing an extra thing like I thought they were suggesting with an arg they released. It’s a full on sequel. I feel so sick writing this. i know it’s pathetic. i know it’s embarrassing. but it feels like the corpse of something I loved was buried nicely within me and I’ve been through the stages of grief and I’ve accepted it, but now my acceptance has been broken because the corpse has been dug up and desecrates for money and a lack of ideas. seeing the worst parts of capitalism and of media and art within it taint my favorite art is really really hard right now. And it’s so rough because I think I recall Jonny sims emphasizing that this was the end point blank period. And it should have been. But nothing I love can stay nice. I don’t know. i can’t handle it all again. All the stress. This is also so so so embarrassing, no one looks at my posts so at this point I’m putting it out in tot he void which is fine by me, I just need to get it off my chest, but i am so so so painfully lonely and understimulated and uninterested in life too that ive been trying to imagine that Martin from tma is my friend. I try to hear him taking to me and being next to me because I feel like I’m losing my humanity and my connection to human being and my very being will literally cosmically unravel if I can’t put myself in delusion that I have a friend who loves me on a deeper level than is possible. I don’t know. I don’t know. They’re messing up my equilibrium. Everything was laid to rest. It’s a terrible decision writing wise too. The finale has lost all meaning. Rusty quill has been laying off workers and taking breaks on other works for this dumb arg bc I guess nothing was making them money so just bring back the FINISHED series you promised you wouldn’t bring back I guess. Nothing means anything anymore. When I found out about all this, like when it came out that this new content would be tma2 and that they were firing people if felt like k was losing it and I had to start calling out for people who don’t exist to keep me existing. I hate them. I can’t do this. It’s hard to watch such a well written thing become shut writing for money. HE SAID HE WOULDNT BRING IT BACK. i need to sleep now and I guess I’ll pretend there is another person here and I’ll make it real.

[feanorianethicsdepartment]

Alright, I read your recent post and need to know - what is your interpretation of Maglor’s relationship with the twins?

askjdhslkjag my biggest self-inflicted problem in this fandom is that my take on maglor, elrond, and elros' relationship is so intensely detailed and specific i am forever tormented by none of the fic i read ever quite getting it right (from my perspective; i’ve read plenty of fic that presents a good interpretation on their own terms, it’s just never mine.) it’s simultaneously way darker than the fluffy kidnap dads stuff and nowhere near as black-and-white awful as the anti-fëanorian crowd likes to paint it, it’s messy and complicated and surrounded by darkness, and yet there’s also a sincere connection within it which mostly serves to make all those complications worse. angry teenage elrond is angry for a great many reasons, and the circumstances around him being raised by kinslayers account for at least half of them. there’s lots of complexity here, and i don’t see it in fic nearly as often as i’d like

(warning: the post... feathers? i already have an internet friend called faeiri this could be awkward - anyway, the post she’s talking about includes the line ‘everyone is wrong about kidnap dads except me.’ this post follows on from that in being as much a commentary about why various popular interpretations of both how the kidnapdoption went and the way people subsequently characterise the twins just don’t work for me as it is a setting out of my own ideas. i’m not really interested in getting into discourse here, i’m just trying to get my thoughts down. i’ve read fic with these interpretations before that i’ve liked, even, don’t take this as a Condemnation, aight? also this turned out long as hell, so i’m putting it under a cut)

i can never buy entirely fluffy depictions of kidnap dads

which isn’t to say i don’t read them! sometimes all i want is something sweet, for these kids to get to be happy for once. it’s not like i think their time with the fëanorians was completely devoid of laughter

it’s just. the pet names, the special days out, the home-cooked meals, it can get so treacly it stops feeling like the characters they are in the situation they’re in and turns into Generic Found Family #272

it soaks out all the complexity - which is the thing i am here for - and acts like oh, these kids were never in any danger, they were perfectly happy being abducted by the people who murdered everyone they knew, there’s nothing possibly questionable about this relationship at all

and... yeah. that’s not the characters i know. that’s not the context i know they belong to

i just can’t forget the circumstances that led them to meet

rivers of blood, the air filled with screams, a town ablaze, a woman choosing to die. every interaction the three of them have is going to proceed from that nightmare

(sidenote: i tend to hold it was maglor that raised the twins, with maedhros looming ominously in the background not really getting involved. it’s mostly personal preference, i’ve been in and out of the fandom since before this kidnap dads thing blew up and when i joined that was a perfectly standard reading)

(also the cave thing was a dumb idea, old man, if only because it implies beleriand had streams safe enough for children to play in at that point. the way it separates the twins from the third kinslaying is also something i don’t particularly vibe with)

probably my least favourite angle i’ve seen on the situation (edged out only by ‘maglor was actively abusive towards the twins’ which no no no no no no no no NO) is the idea that maglor (and/or maedhros, append as necessary) took the twins specifically to raise them

like, i get where it’s coming from, but it makes maglor come off as really creepy

(i have read fics where it is indeed played off as really creepy, but that’s not a maglor i have any interest in reading about)

(’mags 100% bad’ is just as facile a take to me as ‘mags 100% good’)

even if you’re saying maglor took them in because they had no one left to take care of them - i highly doubt they were the only children the fëanorians orphaned at sirion. idk, it always makes maglor seem much less sympathetic than i think it’s meant to

i prefer to think of it as more... organic? something that evolved, not something that was preordained. them growing closer gradually, the twins finding an adult who might maybe be on their side, maglor becoming invested in them almost by accident

and then the twins are so comfortable with the second scariest monster in amon ereb they frequently sass him off and maglor’s gotten so used to not hurting them he’s not even thinking about it any more. no one’s quite sure how it happened, but they’ve made a Connection

‘wait aren’t they a murderous warlord of questionable mental stability and a pair of terrified small children who’ve lost everyone they ever knew? isn’t that kinda fucked up?’ yup! that’s the point! complexity!

another idea i don’t like is the idea that maglor was an objectively better parent to the twins than eärendil or elwing

other people have talked about this already, i won’t rehash the whole thing. i will say that while i don’t think elwing was a perfect parent - someone so young, in such a horrible situation, i wouldn’t blame her for screwing up - i do think she (and eärendil) did the best by them they possibly could

this is one of the few things they have in common with maglor

something i come across now and again is the idea that sure, elwing and eärendil weren’t abusive or horrible or anything, but they were a couple of basically-teenagers with so many other responsibilities, there was only so much they could do. maglor, on the other hand, is an experienced adult who could take much better care of the twins

and...

first off, it’s not like mags doesn’t have a job. he’s a warlord, he has a fortress to help run, military shit to handle, lots of other stuff that needs to get done to stop everyone from starving or getting eaten by orcs. i feel like sirion had enough of a government there was plenty of opportunity for elwing to take days off and play with her kids, but in the fëanorian camp nobody really has the time to chase after a couple of toddlers, least of all one of the last points on the command network. they just don’t have the people any more

(seriously, the twins getting a formal education with tutors and classes and shit is a weirdly specific pet peeve of mine. this is a band of renegades, not a royal household; if there’s anyone left with those kinds of skills they almost certainly have more important things to do)

more than that, though - well, a quick glance through my late stage fëanorians tag should tell you a lot about what i think maglor’s mental state is like at this point. he is so accustomed to violence death means nothing to him, he’s lost most of his capacity for genuinely positive emotion to an endless century of defeat and despair, he hates everything in the universe, especially himself, he’s only able to keep functioning through a truly astounding amount of denial, and he covers it all up with a layer of snark and feigned apathy, which he defends aggressively because he’s subconsciously realised that if it breaks he’ll have absolutely nothing left

(maedhros, for the record, is... i’d say more stable, but at a lower point. maglor may interact with the world mostly through cold stares and mocking laughter, but at least his mind is firmly rooted in the present)

(on the other hand, at least maedhros lets himself be aware of what they are and where their road will lead)

which... this doesn’t mean maglor doesn’t try to be kind to the twins, or rein in his worst impulses around them

there’s just so little of him left but the weapon

he stalks through the halls like a portent of death and gets into hours-long screaming matches with maedhros and has definitely killed people in front of the twins

not even as, like, a deliberate attempt to scare them, but because when you solve most of your problems by stabbing them it’s pretty much a given that people who spend a lot of time around you are going to see you do it at least once

and sometimes, he curls up in an empty hallway, and weeps

... suffice it to say i don’t think elwing’s the more preoccupied, or the less mentally ill, parent here

just. in general, the fëanorians aren’t cackling boogeymen, but they’re not particularly nice either

no one has the energy left for that. not these isolated and weary soldiers at the end of a long losing war and the beginning of the end of the world. they don’t really bother to guard the kids against them escaping. where else are they going to go?

the sheer despair that must have been in the fëanorian camp after sirion, the knowledge that the cause cannot be fulfilled, that they are utterly forsaken, that they’re really just waiting to die -

it can’t have been a happy place to grow up in, under the shadow of loss and grief and deeds unrepentable, and the slow march of inevitable defeat

they would have had a better childhood if they stayed in sirion, raised by people who knew how to hope

but that isn’t the childhood they had. and despite everything i’ve said, i don’t think that childhood was an entirely awful one

yeah, see, this is where the other side of my self-inflicted fandom catch-22 comes in. just as much of the pro-kidnap dads stuff comes off as overly saccharine and simplified to me, i find much of the anti-kidnap dads stuff equally simplistic in the opposite direction

the idea that maglor and the fëanorians never meant anything to elros and elrond, that they had no effect on the people they became at all, that it was just a horrible thing that happened when they were children, easily thrown in the rear-view mirror...

that’s even more impossible to me than the idea that life with the fëanorians was 100% fluffy and nice

like, i’ve seen the take that elros and elrond hated the fëanorians from start to finish. they were perfect little sindarin princes, loyal to their people and the memory of doriath, spurning every scrap of kindness offered to them and knowing just what to say to twist the knife into the kinslayers’ wounds

... dude. they were six. hell, given their peredhelness, mentally they could easily have been younger

what six year old has a firm grasp of their ethnic identity? what six year old is fully aware of their place in history? what six year old would understand the politics that led to their situation?

don’t get me wrong, i can see hatred in there. but something else that doesn’t get acknowledged alongside it often enough is the fear

some of the stuff i’ve read feels like it gives the kids too much power in the situation. they’re perfectly happy to talk back to and belittle the people who burned down their hometown and killed everyone they ever knew, like miniature adults who don’t feel threatened at all

and, like, six. i can see them going for insults as a defensive measure, but it is defensive. it’s covering up fear, not coming from secure disdain

(and a lot of those insults sound, again, like things an adult who’s already familiar with the fëanorians would say, not a scared child who’s lost almost everything. why would a six year old raised by sindar and gondolindrim know what the noldolantë is, let alone what it means to maglor?)

(... i’m just ranting about this one fic that’s been ruffling my feathers for five years straight now, aren’t i)

i mean, i write elrond as the world’s angriest teenager, who snipes at maglor pretty much constantly, but the thing about angry teenage elrond is that he’s angry teenage elrond

he’s spent long enough with the fëanorians he has a pretty secure position within the camp, and he knows that maglor won’t hurt him from a decade and change of maglor not, in fact, hurting him

but as a small and terrified child abducted by the monsters his mother had nightmares about? he fluctuated wildly between ‘randomly guessing at things to say that wouldn’t get him killed’ ‘screaming at maglor to go away in words rarely more complicated than that’ 'desperately trying not to do or say anything in the hopes of not being noticed’ and ‘hiding’

(and i don’t think the twins were never in any danger from the fëanorians, either. quite besides the point that before they started orbiting maglor nobody was really sure what to do with them... well, they wouldn’t be the first children of thingol’s line the minions took revenge on)

(fortunately for them, maglor did, in fact, take them under his wing. by this point even their own followers are shit scared of the last two sons of fëanor, nobody’s going to mess with their stuff and risk getting mauled. tactically, it was a pretty good decision for a couple of toddlers)

more to the point, i feel like a child that young, in a situation that horrible, wouldn’t reject any kindness they were offered, any soothing touch in a universe of terror

in a world full of big scary monsters, the best way to survive is to get the biggest scariest monster possible to protect you. that’s how elros rationalises it when they’re, like, eight, mentally, but at the time they were just latching on to the only person around them who seemed to care about them

that’s how it started, on their end. two very young very scared children lost in a neverending nightmare clinging tightly to the lone outstretched pair of hands

as for maglor...

i’ve called mags evil before, but i see that as more of a... technical term? he is evil because he did the murder, he remains evil because he won’t stop doing the murder. hot take: murder bad

but that doesn’t make him, like, a moustache-twirling saturday morning cartoon villain. he is deeply unhappy with the position he’s in and the person he’s become, and he’s always trying not to take that final step over the edge

it’s not that i can’t see a maglor who is abusive or manipulative or who sees the twins more as objects than people. it’s just that that characterisation is one i am profoundly uninterested in. i do occasionally read fic with it, but it never enters my own headcanons

horrible people can do good things!! kinslayers can do good things!! the fallen are capable of humanity!! people can do both good and evil things at the same time, because people are complicated!! maglor is not psychologically incapable of actually taking pity on these kids!!!!

it’s... again, complexity. the fëanorians straddle the line between black and white, which is a lot less sharp in the legendarium than it’s sometimes characterised as. it’s what draws me to their characters so much, why i have so many stupid headcanons about them. pretending they fall firmly on either side of the line is my real fandom pet peeve

and, like, this moment? this sincere connection between a bloodstained warlord and two children who will grow up to be great and kind in equal measure? i may not entirely like the direction the fandom’s taken it recently, but that beat, that relationship, it still gets me

so no, i don’t think elrond and elros’ years with the fëanorians were an endless cavalcade of abuse and misery. i think there was love there, despite the darkness all around them

an old, tired monster, and the two tiny children it protects

maglor never hurts the twins, not ever, not once. his claws are sharp and his fangs are keen, if he so much as swatted them he’d rip them in half. instead he folds down the razor edges of his being, interacting with them ever so carefully. he has nightmares of suddenly tearing into their skin

seriously, the power differential between them is so great, maglor so much as raising his voice would break any trust they have in this horribly dangerous creature. fics where he does corporal punishment always get the side-eye from me

the mood of their relationship is... i find it hard to put into words. melancholy, maybe, like a sunny afternoon a few days before the end of the world. three people who’ve lost so much finding what respite they can in each other as the world slowly crumbles around them

there are times when it feels like the three of them exist in a world of their own, marked out by the edges of the firelight. maglor telling stories of the stars, elros giving relaxed irreverent commentary, elrond getting a few moments to just be, all their troubles kept at bay

they are the last two lights in a world sunk into darkness, the last two living beings he does not on some level hate. he will tear his own heart out before he sees them in pain

he teaches them to ride, he teaches them to read, he gives them everything he still has left. the twins should never have been in this situation, maglor probably isn’t entirely fit to take care of them, but it is what it is, and they take what love they can

(maglor depends on the twins emotionally a bit more than any adult should rely on any child. he’s still very much the caretaker in their relationship, but that relationship is the only one he has left that’s not stained by a century of rage and grief. he’s obsessed with them, maedhros tells him frequently. maglor’s standard response to this is to try to gouge maedhros’ eyes out)

(that particular darker side to their relationship, where maglor’s attachment to the twins turns into a desperate possessiveness - that’s not something i think i’ve ever seen in fic. which is a shame, it feels much closer to my own characterisation than the standard ways this relationship gets maleficised. darker, in a different way than usual. horribly compelling in its plausibility)

however you want to read it, i don’t think you can deny this is a relationship that defines elrond and elros’ childhood. they were raised in the woods by a pack of kinslayers, the text is quite clear on this

but i’ve seen a lot of talk about how elros and elrond are only sirion’s children. they are completely 100% sindarin, they love and forgive eärendil and elwing thoroughly and without question, they identify with doriath over - even gondolin, let alone tirion. the fëanorians - the people who raised them - had zero effect on the people they grew into and the selves they created

and that, more than anything else, i find utterly unbelievable

look, i get what this is a reaction to. a lot of the kidnap dads stuff paints the fëanorians as elrond and elros’ ‘real’ family, and i’ve already talked about what i think of the idea that maglor-and-possibly-also-maedhros were better parents than eärendil and elwing. i think it’s reductive and overly optimistic and just a little too neat

but to say instead that elrond and elros held no great love in their hearts for maglor, no lingering affinity with the fëanorians, no influence on their identity from the people they grew up around, none at all? that after it happened they just left it behind and resumed being the same people they were in sirion?

that strikes me as just as much an oversimplification. it sands down all the potential rough edges of their identity, all that inconvenient complexity that stops them from fitting into any well-defined box, and replaces it with a nice safe simple self-conception i find just as flat and boring as declaring them 100% fëanorian

we can quibble over who they call ‘father’ (i personally find that whole debate kinda petty) but denying that it was actually maglor who was the closest thing they knew to a parent for most of their childhoods, and that that would, in fact, affect the way they thought of themselves and their family, elides so many interesting possibilities out of existence

(i’m not even going to get into the most braindead take i have ever heard on the subject, namely that because their time with the fëanorians was such a small fraction of elrond’s total lifespan it was like being kidnapped for two weeks as a toddler and had no greater significance than that. do you not understand what childhood is????)

like, i tend to think of elrond as a child as being very loudly not-a-fëanorian. elros is more willing to go with the flow - hey, if the creepy kinslayer wants kids, elros is happy to play into that in order to not be murdered - but elrond is very firm that he’s not happy to be here and he doesn’t belong with them

(this is after they get over their initial terror, of course, when they’ve realised they won’t be fed to the orcs for the tiniest slight. even so, elrond only really gets shirty about it around people he’s comfortable with, whose reactions he can reasonably guess at. naturally, the first person he does it to is maglor)

elros calls maglor their father exactly once, when they’re... maybe early preteens? this is because elrond hears him do it and immediately loses his shit. they have a dad, elrond says, in tears, and a mum, and any day now their real parents are going to come to pick them up and take them home

... right?

it gets harder to believe as the years roll on, as their memories of sirion fade, as they find their own places within the host, as maglor watches over them as they grow. elrond still mentally sets himself apart from the fëanorians, but it’s more of an effort every year. life in the fëanorian camp is the only one he’s ever really known. he can barely remember his mother’s voice

then the war of wrath starts, and the fëanorian host drifts closer to the army of valinor, and the twins come into contact with non-fëanorians for the first time in forever, and it becomes clear just how obviously fëanorian elrond is. he always insisted he wasn’t like the kinslayers at all, but he dresses like them, talks like them, fights like them

the myth cycles the edain tell are almost completely unfamiliar to him, he barely remembers the shape of the songs of lost doriath. even these sarcastic commentary and subversive reinterpretations he made of maglor’s stories - those were still maglor’s stories! he’s been trying to guess at the person he was meant to be, but it’s growing nightmarishly blatant how little elrond ever knew about him

instead, the people he was born to are as alien to him as the orcs of morgoth. he is a fëanorian, through and through

... yeah, elrond (and/or elros) having an absolutely massive identity crisis upon being reintroduced to his quote-unquote ‘true kin’ is another angle i’d love to see in fic that i don’t think i’ve ever come across. all those potential grey areas around who they are and who they’re supposed to be sound utterly fascinating, and i think it’s the complexity i hate to see elided over the most

i really, really doubt they could effortlessly slot back into being eärendil and elwing’s children. not when they’ve been surrounded by, lived alongside, been raised by the people who were supposed to enemies for most of their lives

they just don’t fit into that box any more. they can’t

speaking of eärendil and elwing, while i do agree that they both (especially elwing) get a lot more flak than they deserve, i don’t agree that therefore elrond and elros were never the slightest bit mad at them and fully forgave them for everything with no reservations

because, well, they were left behind. elwing had no other choice, but they were still left behind; it led to the world being saved, but they were still left behind. all the best intentions in the universe don’t erase the weeks and months and years of waiting, of a hope that grew thinner and frailer until it finally quietly broke

that’s a real hurt, and a real grievance. even if the twins rationally understand that their parents were making the best out of their terrible situation, you can’t logic away emotions like that. it’s perfectly possible for them to know they have no reason to resent eärendil or elwing, and yet still harbour that bitterness and pain

(i did write a thing once where elrond loudly rejects eärendil as his father in favour of maglor, but something i didn’t add in that i probably should have is that elrond later regretted doing that)

(not like, several centuries later, when he’d grown old and wise. two hours later, when he’d calmed down. but he was still legitimately angry at eärendil, because the one thing angry teenage elrond was not lacking in was reasons to be mad at the adults around him, and before he could figure out if he had anything less furious to say the hosts of the valar left middle-earth behind)

(it’s another element to the tragedy of the whole thing. in that particular story, which is mostly aiming for maximum pain, the only thing elrond’s birth parents know about their son for thousands of years is that he hates them)

(and he doesn’t, not really. you can’t hate someone you’ve never known)

not that i think they couldn’t ever make up with their parents! fics where elrond and his birth parents work past all the things that lie between them and form a functional familial bond despite it all give me life. i just don’t like the idea that there’s nothing difficult for them to work past

i don’t like the idea that elrond and elros would naturally, effortlessly identify with the mother they last saw when they were six and the people they only vaguely remember. i can see them doing it as a political move, i can see them going for it as a deliberate personal choice, but i can’t seeing it being immediate and automatic and easy

no matter how great a pair of heroes eärendil and elwing are, that doesn’t change the fact that to elrond and elros, they’re at most a few scattered memories and a collection of far-off stories. and so long as the twins stay in middle-earth, they’re never going to draw any closer

compared to the dynamic, multifaceted, personal, and deep bonds they have with the fëanorians - who, and i know i keep saying this but i think it gets tossed aside way more casually than it should, are the people who actually raised them, their birth parents must feel like a distant idea

and that’s why i can never buy interpretations of elrond as 100% sindarin, a pure son of doriath, with no messy grey areas or awkward jagged edges to his identity. given everything we know about his life, it seems almost cartoonishly simplistic

honestly it seems like a narrative a bunch of old doriathrin nobles trying to manouevre elrond into being high king of the sindar or something would propagate. it's neat and nice and tidy, something that’d be much more convenient for everyone if elrond did feel that way

but i just don’t see how he can. this narrative is easy and simple in a way real people never are, it ignores all the forces pulling him apart. elrond being uncomplicatedly sindarin with the life he lives and the people he's close to - that doesn’t make any sense to me

which isn’t to say i think he’s 100% noldorin, from either a gondolindrim or a fëanorian perspective. (i find it a little more believable, given, again, who he grew up around and who he hangs out with, but it’s still a bit too reductive for my tastes.) it’s also not to say i couldn’t believe an elrond who made an active choice to emphasise his sindarin heritage

it’s not how i think of him, but it works. i don’t have a problem with other people interpreting the complexities of the twins’ identities differently

i just have a problem with people acting like it doesn’t exist

in general i think there’s a lot untapped potential that gets left behind when you declare the twins, separately or together, as All One Thing

they’re descended from half the noble houses of beleriand, and they have deep personal ties to most of the rest. they belong to all of the free peoples even the dwarves, somehow, probably and i feel like that was kind of the old man’s point? so many peoples meet in them, to say they wholly belong to any one species is probably an oversimplification

they sit at a crossroads of potential identities, and rather than narrowing down their worldviews to one single path, they take the hard road and choose all of them. that’s what you need to do, if you want to change the world

and, to bring this back to my ostensible topic, in my estimation at least this mélange of possible selves does include them as fëanorians! it’s not overpowering, but it’s certainly there, and the adults they grow into long after they’ve left the host still bear influence from their childhood

nothing super obvious, nothing that wouldn’t stand out if you didn’t know what to look for, but there’s something almost incandescent in how fiercely elros reaches out for his dreams

there’s something almost defiant in elrond’s drive to be as kind as summer

as for who they publically claim as their family... honestly, it depends. while it’s usually more tactically prudent for elros to connect himself to his various human ancestors, on occasion he does find a use for his free in with the elf mafia, and elrond, code switcher par excellence, is famously the son of whoever is most politically convenient at the moment, which is rarely, but not never, maglor

(in the privacy of their own minds, well, eärendil and elwing may have been the parents elros was supposed to have, but maglor was the parent he actually had, and elros doesn’t particularly care to mope over what might have been. elrond, for his part, figures that after all the shit maglor has put him through, the least that bastard owes him is a father)

but honestly? i think before any of their mountain of identities, before thinking of themselves as sindarin or gondolindel or hadorian or haladin or fëanorian or anything, elrond and elros identify as themselves

they are peredhil, they are númenóreans, they are whoever they make themselves to be. that’s how elrond finally resolved his identity, figured out who he was and found something past the pain and the rage

he wasn’t doriathrin, or gondolindrin, or falathrin, or fëanorian, or whatever else. he was elrond, no more and no less

and that person, elrond, could be whatever he chose to be

... elros came to a similar conclusion, with much less sturm und drang that he’s willing to admit. being able to go ‘hey, i can’t possibly be biased towards any one of your cultures, because i’m descended from all of you and i was raised by murderelves’ makes it a lot easier to unite people around your personal banner, turns out

the stories other people tried to force on them shattered into pieces, and the peredhel twins were free to shape themselves into anything they could dream of

and as the new world struggles alive, these lost children of an Age of death begin to bloom into their full glorious selves -

i just. i love the poetry of that. despite every single shadow that hangs over their past, despite all the clashing notes pulling them apart, they harmonise it all into a greater, kinder theme, determined to make their world a better place in whatever way they can

they fail, of course, but so do all things. the inevitable march of entropy doesn’t diminish the long millennia they (and their descendants) held onto the light

and their growing up in the fëanorian host definitely had a huge effect on the noble lords they became. you can see it in elros’ loud ambition to create a land of happiness and hope, elrond’s quiet resolve to heal all the hurts inflicted by this marred reality

it wasn’t a perfect time by any means, but neither was it a nightmare. it was what it was, a desperate existence at the edge of a knife where, nevertheless, they were loved

even after years upon decades upon centuries have passed, it’s hard for the wise king and the honourable sage to separate out and identify all the conflicting emotions swirling around their childhood. they never knew eärendil or elwing, true, but they also never really knew maglor

not as equals, not as adults, not as people who could truly understand him. he disappeared into the fog of history, leaving only childhood memories of razor-sharp, gentle hands

it’s messy and it’s complicated and getting any real closure would be like shoving their way through a thornbush with bare hands even if elrond could find the shithead, and yet at the core of it all, there is light. not the brightest of lights, maybe, but an enduring one

that contrast, above all, that note of warmth amidst the shadows, is what fascinates me so much about their relationship. three screwed up people in a screwed up world, finding a little peace with each other

and the fact that somehow, it does have a good ending - the children grow up magnificent and compassionate and just, they become exemplars of all their peoples, lodestars of the new world born out of the ashes of the old - that makes it seem to me like this relationship must have contained some fragment of happiness

but, fuck, all the darkness that surrounds that love, all the tangled-up emotions its existence necessitates, all the prefabricated self-identities it can never slot into - nothing about it is simple, nothing about it is easy, and i find that utterly enthralling. especially how, despite everything, that flickering light never goes out

well, i don’t think it does, anyway. my take on this relationship is both complicated enough no one else ever quite gets it right and well-defined enough every single ‘error’ in other people’s interpretations sticks out like a kinslayer in rivendell

it is an entirely self-inflicted problem, i will admit. other people are allowed to interpret those complexities differently from me, and it’s entirely my own fault i lack the :waves hands around nebulously: to write my own hypothetical fic on the subject at a pace faster than glacial

still, though. i do wish there was more fic out there that engaged with these complexities. a lot of the common fandom interpretations of this relationship just sweep it all away

[struwwelzeter]

I’m surprised yet I’m not surprised that I haven’t seen anyone on tumblr talk about the Balenciaga collab. Twitter and Instagram are almost universally panning the move and are quite pissed off at it. Personally I think the collab was a dumb and tone deaf move on the management, but I can’t fuss about it too much because of a lot previous musicians I liked ate these kinds of designer streetwear brands up and I just had to turn a blind eye to it eventually.

😕 I was really happy tumblr largely ignored it because I expected the outrage and dreaded it. My take is not gonna be a popular one, and I am sorry it’s probably not what you hoped to get. I’ll try to explain why, but I do have big feelings about this and I don’t know how articulate i can be.

The thing I am seeing in all of these comments, and what I think you refer to when you say it was tone deaf, is a lot of hurt. And in a way I completely, 100% understand that. The problem is, I think, that it’s misdirected when it is directed at the band. The fact that some well off fashion victim can drop what some of us earn in a month on a hoodie, hurts. It hurts that people that have been with this band for years and years, have saved any and each magazine clipping they can get their hands on and struggle to save up for months to buy a concert ticket while other people can do that - that shit hurts. And I understand that. I really do. I feel it too.

The thing is though, and this is where I fear what I say could be taken the wrong way: Rammstein doesn’t owe anyone anything. They don’t owe anyone to stick with only accessible merch, they don’t owe us some weird class loyalty where they turn stuff like this down. They just don’t. Why would they? Why? Because the thing that is hurtful about it is systemic, and they don’t owe us to fix systemic unfairness. They don’t owe anyone to not take advantage of it either, when it is offered to them, because they aren’t exploiting anyone but the exploiters, if that makes sense. They just don’t. Sorry. They are a well off band, but they aren’t rich enough to fix capitalism. I am gonna ask you very honestly, would you say no to becoming successful in a system that by it’s very nature devalues what you do, makes it a huge lottery draw if you can even make a living of what you do and takes advantage of you wherever it can? Rammstein got very lucky, and worked very hard for longer than most people on this website are alive. But in general, the way this society treats people like them, yes, even a large potion of their fan base, is a disgrace. They are a 1 in I don’t know how many cases of people who took the same risks and had the same passion and didn’t make it. And I think they know that too. I am sorry, but they’ve earned it.

I grew up far below what is considered the poverty line in my country, in a community of artists, and I feel very strongly about this one thing: The same person that will drop a 6 figure number on a painting will tell you not to go to art school and get a real job instead, because you can never be “successful” that way (whatever they mean by that.) Please read that sentence again.

Society doesn’t give a shit about artists. And when I mean “society” I actually mean fans, too, because ... I could write an essay about this, but basically because they complain more about not getting a ticket refund than the fact that currently thousands of artists fall by the wayside and won’t make it through this pandemic. I repeat, society, AT large, don’t give a wet fart about artists. It pretends it does, because they want to look cultured, but it really doesn’t. Every now and then they lift one up into the heights of the glittery temples of fame and stardom, to circle jerk with their art criticism and their champagne events and photo ops. And it’s disgusting it works that way, yes. But again, that is systemic. And what I need you to understand is that the majority of people who turn to the extremely precarious lifestyle of trying to paint or to make music for a living, take up with how the world is treating them, take the risk of falling of the grod financially, take the degradation of being asked to “work for exposure” and the “why are you still doing this, wouldn’t it be easier to —— it’s clearly not going anywhere” questions year after year after year for ... they do it for that one tine little chance to be that 1 that gets lifted. This isn’t about the passion — you don’t make art to be “successful”, there are so much easier ways. It’s about taking the merciless grind and maltreatment for that one shot to one day be seen and recognised as worthy people and to get out of the grind. And when it happens, they are supposed to turn it down? Why?

Sorry, but no.

I understand that this is an inflammatory take. I do, in a way, understand why people get angry. I just don’t agree with the direction of the anger - at all. The thing is, if you look at it in a more innocent way, the creative director of Balenciaga, as I understand it, was a civil war refugee who somehow managed to become the leading designer on one of the biggest name in fashion. Do you think it was likely for him to get there? Do you think it was ever easy for any boy to become a fashion designer against a backdrop of constant teasing and a probably even smaller chance of “making it” than musicians? But he did it, and turns out he is a Rammstein fan. So he does what he loves. Big deal. To be clear: I think the existence of brands like Balenciaga is stupid to me too. But still - the same person that will drop a 1000€ bucks on a raincoat will tell you not to go to fashion school, you know? Rammstein also have a history of being in the high fashion world. They had 3 exclusive photoshoots with zoo magazine in the time they had like, idk, 1? With Rolling Stone, they were in fashion magazines first in the US, they had runway shows in their early career ... this was a long time coming. I WAS surprised it was Balenciaga. I hoped it would be something like Givenchy or McQueen but I guess they’re not that classy - what do you expect from a bunch of guys who wear sandals with tracksuits.

Another take I see quite often is the whole “well now there will be knock offs and people that don’t even know the band will start wearing it” and while that is a huge pet peeve, I have to think of Flake writing about that in his book and being all awed by how anyone could become that big - and just feeling a but of a misty eyed satisfaction of “they made it.”

I understand people are angry. But maybe consider of you’re really angry at the band - or simply the fact that we live in a world where some people have to make a living for weeks off the same money someone else drops on a t-shirt.

[youngbounty]

My Issue With Narumayo and Narumitsu Shippers

Just to be clear, I have nothing against Narumayo. The only issue I have with it is that I don’t like colleague dating, especially if it is an employee hooking up with their boss. Though, this is only a pet peeve at best and it isn’t illegal. I just consider it distasteful and I feel no different about Justicykes. Though, this isn’t about that or my distaste for Narumayo. I just wanted to make it clear I don’t have anything against anyone that may like Narumayo. You can like whatever ship you want or not like whatever ship you don’t like. It’s your right. Same with Narumitsu, since I am a fan of that ship myself.

That being said, I will call out any BS claims about a ship by those that oppose it. I’m talking about both sides. Just to be clear, the “fans” of both ships that do this are a very small minority compared to the entire Narumayo/Narumitsu fan base. It just goes without saying that the more eggs you place in the carton, the more bad eggs you will find in that carton, even if it is a small percentage or number.

For the Narumayo fans, I am talking about the claim that the opposing ship fans cherry picks reasons from canon as reasons for their ship being canon, even though they’re not proof that the two parties are in love and could just as much equal a platonic relationship. I mostly see this from Narumayo fans towards Narumitsu shippers where they make fun of how Narumitsu shippers depend on the “Unnecessary feelings” line as their reason they support their ship. Point taken, except don’t Narumayo shippers do the very same thing? They depend on the words from a sheltered 8-year-old little girl that doesn’t know how to read, let alone understand what romance is. I’m not going to say we Narumitsu fans never scrape the bottom of the barrel for proof that our ship is canon, but Narumayo fans literally do the very same thing.

Other reasons Narumayo shippers claim their ship is “canon” is because Phoenix is always concerned and trying to save Maya. Again, didn’t Phoenix do the same for Miles in Turnabout Goodbyes? How is Phoenix saving Miles from having his life ruined or getting the death penalty any different from saving Maya from the hands of Shelly De Killer or the Minister of Justice in a foreign nation? What? Because Phoenix saved Maya more times than Miles? Bold excuse. If that is your argument, then I guess Phoenix loves Maya more than Trucy, because he only felt concerned for her safety during the one time she was kidnapped. Phoenix saving Maya constantly doesn’t mean he’s in love with her or cares about her more than Miles or anyone else, just like Miles saying “unnecessary feelings” doesn’t mean he’s in love with Phoenix. Even though I like Narumitsu, I am aware that they are not canonly in love, just like a majority of Narumitsu and Narumayo fans, that cherry pick excuses that probably doesn’t mean romantic, already know their ship is not canon. 

I do understand that many noncanon shippers that cherry pick reasons from canon that don’t equal their ship being canon can come off as annoying. They can get very obnoxious. Though, you cannot claim that your ship is better when it does the very same thing. You’re basically the pot calling the kettle black. The same would go for Narumitsu shippers that are calling out Narumayo shippers for the same thing. The only difference between Narumitsu and Narumayo is the sexuality and backstories of the characters involved in the ship. Though, to the Narumayo shippers’ defense, at least they don’t accuse the other ship of being a pedo ship. Get ready, because I’m about to rip the Narumitsu pedo accusers a new one.

Maya is NOT a minor. She owns her own place, works a full time job, pays the bills and even cared for a child only a year later. Also, being Ace Attorney takes place in Japan, the age of consent in that country is 13 years old, so 17-year-olds dating 23 or 24-year-olds is not considered pedo. Even if you were to call her a minor, by California’s standards, which already has BS laws about 10-year-old little girls being allowed to marry or have sex with older men with parental consent, Maya was only age 17 during the first three months she was with Phoenix. I doubt if he is going to remember Maya being a minor for those three months out of the 12 years they’ve known each other. Count the months between Turnabout Sisters to Turnabout Goodbyes, technically that is three and a half months in total. That is literally how long Maya was 17 years old hanging around with Phoenix. That’s hardly enough time to ask her out on a date, let alone falling in love with her. 

Another thing, people like Phoenix, falling in love with young people like Maya, happens more often than you think. Again, Maya lives like an adult, so it would make just as much sense for Phoenix to be attracted to Maya, especially since she looks almost like his ex girlfriend. Men fall in love with very young women. I’m not going to say it’s tasteful, but that’s how the real world works. In the real world, men like Miles Edgeworth will date young women like Ema Skye. Yes, she was a minor when he first met her. She also grew older and of consent. I’m not saying it’s right or tasteful, but that is the real world. Men love them women young and ripe. Does it make them pedophiles? No. It’s distasteful, but they’re not pedophiles. Falling in love with someone, who is an adult, you’ve only met as a minor for a few months or so before they grew into an adult, does not count. It takes more than a few months to fall in love and even attraction itself isn’t always there when you first meet the person you are dating. With every shipper, you need to think ahead. I doubt most Narumayo shippers have their ship shipped together during the time of the first game. It’s likely they’re shipped together after the trilogy or Spirit of Justice. 

In truth, both Narumayo and Narumitsu ships equally have potential. There’s no reason for either ship to go against each other. It’s petty. Neither ship is canon or makes more sense than the other. They’re equally okay, if done correctly. I’ve seen Narumayo where Miles Edgeworth is supportive of Phoenix and Maya getting together. Same with Narumitsu with Maya being highly supportive. Hell, most Narumitsu fan fictions have Maya as the one trying to pin Miles and Phoenix together like Pearl tried to do with Phoenix and Maya. Now, as I said before, I consider Narumayo distasteful, because of the employee x boss thing and the fact Maya is the younger sister of Phoenix’s dead boss. Of course, my reasons are from experiences and I know not everyone shares mine. You don’t have to like a ship and it can be for whatever reason under the sun, but that’s not a reason to accuse the opposing ship of something your ship does or of something they’re not. 

Before you are to accuse a ship of being a pedo ship, always think ahead. Is the ship of an adult having romantic feelings or doing romantic things with a child? Do the shippers ship them together when either character is a minor? If no for all of them, it’s not a pedo ship. Even if character A has known character B since character B was a minor before being shipped, that doesn’t make it pedo. It might be distasteful, due to the age gap or having known the other character since they were a minor, but it is NOT a pedo ship. It only is when either character in a ship is a minor the moment they are shipped, get together, fall in love or the older one crushes on the younger. Always. think. ahead. 

The same goes for any ship accusing the other of cherry picking reasons for their ship to be canon when it’s not. If your ship is also not canon, then why even call the other one out for cherry picking? Narumayo and Narumitsu cherry pick reasons for their ship being canon all the dang time. Narumitsu’s reasons for claiming their ship is canon are no more reasonable than Narumayo’s reasons for the same thing. I’ll even list the basic excuses Narumitsu shippers use to prove their ship is canon:

“I have been settled with unnecessary feelings,” Turnabout Goodbyes, Phoenix was angry at Miles for leaving him in Justice For All, Phoenix pined for Miles since he was a child, Phoenix became a Defense Attorney because of Miles two times, Phoenix helps Miles with cases more times than anyone else including Maya, Miles had helped Phoenix retrieve back his badge, they fight like a married couple in court, Miles helped Phoenix save Maya the two times she was kidnapped, Miles had helped Phoenix investigate in the two later games, Miles denying wishing for marriage in Turnabout Time Traveler, Miles bringing up Phoenix so many times that I could make a drinking game out of it in Miles Edgeworth Investigations 1 and 2, Phoenix calling Miles ‘Daddy’ in Dual Destinies, Miles telling Phoenix he should ‘strip naked’ in Farewell my Turnabout, the creator saying that Phoenix would find Miles ‘cute’ in a Steel Samurai costume and Miles telling Phoenix “as you wish” for anyone making a Princess Bride reference.

There is more, but those are all I could think of. If you can think of one reason for any Narumayo shipper to believe their ship is anymore reasonably canon than all of the Narumitsu excuses I’ve listed, I may reconsider, but I have found non. I’d argue that not all of these excuses are unreasonable to assume the two parties maybe in love. It still could mean something platonic, but it can easily mean something different, if they were the opposite sex. And yes, it’s the same with Narumayo; some of their excuses are reasonable, but that’s the point. Most of the excuses I listed are obviously dumb reasons like the “strip naked” part, but it’s not unreasonable to think there might be something more between them based on Phoenix pining for Miles or Miles constantly thinking or admiring Phoenix in his own games and comics. The same can be said for Phoenix and Maya. It’s not unreasonable to think Maya might have feelings for Phoenix based on the fact she talked about him a lot after leaving for the Kurain Village in Turnabout Goodbyes. Not my thing, but I can understand why people ship Phoenix and Maya, because I ship Phoenix and Miles for many of the same reasons.

Feel free to comment. What are your thoughts.

[honhonluigi]

I understand Natsuki, but can I ask what you hated about the other DDLC characters?

Sure! I won't write an essay about it or anything, but to summarize:

Natsuki I hated because she was a dumb tsundere, which I've already elaborated on. Insufferable, annoying bitch, who thinks she can make friends by just being mean to everyone.

Yuri I hated because she was the most stuck up person on the planet. She was a super fucking know-it-all and really mansplainy with my poetry all the fucking time. "I know more about literature than everyone and I'm smarter than everyone else just because I read sometimes." You're not smarter than anyone you fucking Big-Bang-Theory-acting bitch.

Sayori was so god damn annoying. Oh my god. Not her ditzy little deredere stuff. That was fine. What was annoying was her depression. And I know I sound like an asshole, but it was so fucking irritating to play with. It ruined the gameplay (or actually, set the tone for the terrible gameplay that is DDLC entirely). It's a fucking pet peeve of mine when a game acts like your choices matter but then they don't, and nothing you do can change any outcome. It's not 'deep'. It's not 'surprising'. You just blatantly lied to me and thought that I would be shocked enough to think your game was deep? No, you didn't mislead me. You straight up fucking lied. And why the hell am I playing a game where I don't actually get to do anything? My choices don't matter and I'm just along for the ride?? Why the fuck am I here then??

Anyway, what does this have to do with Sayori specifically? Again, her depression was annoying because of all of that. Nothing you did was good enough for this stupid bitch. She'd be like "I'm so sad, you're neglecting me, I'm gonna kill myself!" and so you'd say "Don't worry Sayori, I'll be here for you!" and then she'd go "no, don't waste your time on me, that makes me so depressed, I'm gonna kill myself!" BITCH WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! It was so annoying. No matter what you did for her, all she did was bitch and complain and cry. And guilt trip. So much god damn guilt-tripping. The game was just going around in fucking circles trying to do everything to help Sayori and she's just ungratefully complaining at you about how you're "doing everything wrong and making it worse", then you do the exact opposite and guess what? Bitch still isn't happy. Oh my god, it was infuriating. You wanna cry about being neglected? Then don't bitch about me spending time with you. You wanna cry about me spending time with you? Then don't bitch about being neglected. What the fuck do you want!? If you hate me being around you so much, then I'll just never fucking be around you again. How's that?? Depression is not an excuse to take out all your negative emotions on other people, guilt trip them, and then complain about them not doing enough for you.

Monika I hated the least, but I still didn't like her. She was dry and bland and had nothing going on with her at all. She wasn't deep and she wasn't insightful. There was just...nothing interesting at all to Monika. Even her being all psycho-crazy about winning you over wasn't interesting because it felt forced and disconnected from her. The reasons why she goes after us like that are never actually connected to her as a person, not really. So they don't affect her personality and don't make her interesting. They tried to make her deep, but they failed (metaphor for the whole god damn game) and she was just...nothing. I liked her better and thought she was more interesting before she went all psycho-crazy actually, because then her personality felt real and not dryly forced for the sake of a stupid contrived plot.

[twin-moons-ffxiv]

Layers:  Vila Tadmhe

LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE

Name: “Vila Tadmhe.”

Eye Colour: “Red!”

Hair Style/Colour: “Red with uh... pink-ish highlights?  Yes, it’s naturally like that.  It’s... longish?  It falls to about my shoulders when it’s down but I usually wear it up in braids and a ponytail.

Height: “I am... just shy of five fulms.  Over in heels though.”

Clothing Style: “Whatever is comfortable and/or whatever shows off my figure best.”

Best Physical Feature: “Well depends who you ask.  If I had to say for myself, I’d say my eyes.  But I’m told I’ve got a great arse, too.”

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE

Your Fears: “... Being left alone, I suppose?  Chasin’ off the people I care about and windin’ up alone and broken.”

Your Guilty Pleasure: “... I don’t usually feel guilty about the things that make me feel good but I guess if I had to name somethin’ it’d be checkin’ out folk I ought not be checkin’ out.”

Your Biggest Pet Peeve: “Mmm. I got a lotta ‘em honestly. But naming one is hard.  I suppose the fastest way t’ get me irritated with you is t’ call me ‘kitten’. --Except in VERY specific circumstances...”

Your Ambition For The Future: “I... don’t honestly know anymore.  I know what I -want- but I don’t know if it’s realistic.  So I don’t know.  To make it to thirty I suppose?”

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS

Your First Thoughts Waking Up: “People think shit when they first wake up?  I dunno I think I just lay in bed for a while before going to make coffee...”

What You Think About The Most: “I’d say probably whatever work I’m doin’ that day. I try t’ stay focused on my tasks so my mind don’t wander into sad places. If I had to be truthful? I guess I’d say I think about how lonely I am a lot.”

What You Think About Before Bed: “Nothing?”

You Think Your Best Quality Is: “Um... I’m not sure.  I guess I’m a good huntress. I can hold my own in a fight?”

LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?

Single or Group Dates: -A sigh.- “Any dates? Solo, I guess.  More intimate.”

To be Loved or Respected: “... I don’t think you can love someone without having an amount of respect but I would reckon you mean like... in general would I rather have people love me or respect me?  I suppose respect.  I only want to feel loved by the people close to me.  I’d rather folks who don’t know me to at least respect me.”

Beauty or Brains: “Looks.  I can tell you that with complete honesty that brains do not matter to me.  I am not smart.  I don’t like feelin’ dumb next to smart people who know they’re smart.”

Dogs or Cats: “Dogs.  Definitely.”

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?

Lie: “... yes.  To myself and to other people.”

Believe in Yourself: “... It... depends.”

Believe in Love: “I don’t... honestly know anymore. I used to.”

Want Someone: “Yes, but I’m not saying who.”

LAYER SIX: EVER?

Been on Stage: “Yes.  I managed t’ get a friend of mine to help me surprise someone once by givin’ a performance at the end of a show at th’ Moogle.  It was fun but I dunno if I’ll do it again...”

Done Drugs: “Yes. A few times.”

Changed Who You Were to Fit In: “No.  There’s no point.”

LAYER SEVEN: FAVOURITES

Favourite Colour: “Pink! But I’m awfully fond of blue as well.”

Favourite Animal: “Uhm... To eat or...?  Oh!  You mean like... uh, I guess I like those drakes you see out in Coerthas.”

Favourite Food: “Fish! Any and all kinds of fish.”

Favourite Game: “Never Have I Ever.  That one’s fun to play in a large group.”

LAYER EIGHT: AGE

Day Your Next Birthday Will Be: “Uhm...  16th Sun of the 2nd Umbral Moon is my birthday.  Only know that ‘cause my twin brother won’t let me forget.”

How Old Will You Be: “... Twenty-eight?”

Age You Lost Your Virginity: “Twenty-three.  I know, I know.  It’s on the older side.  But when you grow up in the middle o’ the woods, you really don’t SEE a lotta other people and the group I did interact with was all women.  And I’m not into women.”

Does Age Matter: “It... depends? Lived experience I think matters more ‘nn age.”

LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL

Best Personality: “Let’s see... I like someone who is kind and generous with affection.  Someone who has a big heart and will be a steady companion for anyone he cares about.  Loyal and... selfless.  I admire a lot of those qualities.”

Best Eye Colour: “People have a preference for this?  Uh... let’s just say green for argument’s sake.  Or blue.  I don’t honestly care.”

Best Hair Colour: “... b... black.”

Best thing to do with a Partner: “I really like... sparring with my partner?  Sparring that turns into... other things is really nice too.  Other than that?  Just... laying with them in bed while they play with my hair and tell me nice things.”

LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE

I love: “... completely.  When I love someone, I don’t do it halfway.  I give everything I am to it.  I suppose that’s why I get so hurt when they leave.”

I feel: “...drained?  Empty?  Most of the time I suppose that’s how I feel.”

I hide: “A lot of things.  Myself?  My heart?  My feelings? Take yer pick.”

I miss: “.. feeling safe and wanted.”

I wish: “... that I didn’t feel like a failure.”

Tagged by: @ythealleycat​

Tagging: @missmeela​, @duskblackbird​, @dumb-hat​, @luck-and-larceny​, @baxter-ffxiv​, and really anyone else who wants to do it.  Have at it.

[aotopmha]

Ah, a translation of chapter 130 is out. Might have some more reflections once the other versions are out.

Historia having a child still makes little to no sense to me on a thematic or character level. She would never doom another child like that just to fulfill any of her desires or anyone else's. Be it for Paradis or something else.

It's framed as a hopeless situation for Paradis, but I still don't think Historia would do it. Proudly fight till the end, but not continue to cycle.

Yeah, she hopes her child shares her desires, so she knows she might not be doing a very good thing, but I feel there is no point to this plot thread. Just let her be an opposing force to Eren like everyone else, with a fake pregnancy to protect her from the action.

It's good she was a character with agency this chapter and even better that she opposes Eren. My favourite character is still indeed a character and has a voice, but the pregnancy still is a dumb black spot right now.

Moving on from this, though, the most interesting bit about Eren and this chapter to me is that he's stuck in a massive self-prepetuated lie and nobody is there to get him out of it.

He now truly believes he's basically been a genocidal maniac from day one.

I know people are once again going to take this as literally as possible and say that this is what the story is basically saying and he's always been this way, but the framing here is very specific and I think has the nuance of being Eren's own perspective of himself rather than the general narrative saying that's how Eren has always been.

Because he hasn't.

The similarities between Annie and Mikasa once again shine through as well, Annie being motivated by the person she cares about the most in the whole world.

The storyboarding in this chapter is pretty excellent, particularly how the scale of the situation is portrayed.

So we got answers, but half-way. The entire deal with the pregnancy is still not revealed, but what we got just raises much stronger question marks for me.

Historia is a genuinely good person now and would not support genocide, but she also would not support the prepetuation of a hurtful cycle, as we see in the crystal cave.

I mean, pressure from the government and military is a thing, too, but I still don't think she would do it. She's too strong-willed and stubborn, even if it all would end in the potential destruction of Paradis if she didn't go with Kiyomi's plan.

Parts of this chapter really were excellent to me, especially everything with Eren, but unless the context around the pregnancy changes, I can't help but feel the story really is contradicting it's own themes.

How the hell do you break an harmful cycle by leaning into it?

Even if it's framed like it's a cycle that has to be reluctantly keep going for the sake of survival, I think that's also something thematically wishy-washy. Complete denial of the cycle would be a much stronger thematic statement.

Again, this chapter has some great content. This chapter, though, has one of my biggest pet peeves in stories - thematic inconsistency. Themes represent what the story wants to say most strongly and inconsistency in that aspect can 100% ruin the whole thing if it's grave. Here it's so strange and glaring because the story is so consistent otherwise to me.

You could even read breaking the cycle as a straight vs. gay thing because continuing the cycle is about bearing children.

So I've only got a lot of ?????????????????????????????????????? here.

I have faith that there will be a context swerve, something like Historia suggesting a fake pregnancy, which is actually more possible now considering Historia's open-ended suggestion of having a child, but right now I 100% am just puzzled. Not even angry. Isayama is just such a consistent writer otherwise.

[handcat]

NOPE. Book Tag

Source: here

thank you @sunel0 <3

Questions:

1. NOPE. Ending: A book ending that made you go NOPE either in denial, rage, or simply because the ending was crappy.

everything, everything, it has been years since i read that but that twist/ending was bullshit, i have never felt more rage in my life, fuck that book, fuck, i dont remember all of the details of it but in general it felt like shit, it just brushed away all of the stakes and demonized people with mental illnesses and generally felt like garbage, god i am pissed

2. NOPE. Protagonist: A main character you dislike and drives you crazy.

main guy of giovannis room i forget his name because im dumb, first of all, i love that book, i really do, im not saying i dont like it i just want to make that clear dfasafds, but i would kick main guys ass any day of the week <3

3. NOPE. Series: A series that turned out to be one huge pile of NOPE. after you’ve invested all of that time and energy on it, or a series you gave up on because it wasn’t worth it anymore.

this was awhile ago lol but the maze runner books, i loved the first one and then i got part way into the second and realized i hated where the story was going and stopped reading, that was in like middle school and i do not remember what i didnt like but i was pissed

4. NOPE. Popular pairing: A “ship” you don’t support.

idk, i cant really think of a specific one offhand, aside from like obviously gross ones but yeah idk, best i can think of is in trc when ppl ship kavinsky with people, or really like any dream pack stuff, but to each their own, i just dont vibe with all that lol

5. NOPE. Plot twist: A plot twist you didn’t see coming or didn’t like.

can i say everything, everything again? it really pissed me off, i still remember the pure rage i felt reading that 

6. NOPE. Protagonist action/decision: A character decision that made you shake your head NOPE.

every decision made by zebulon in the death and life of zebulon finch, i love those books but he is stupid as fuck <3

7. NOPE. Genre: A genre you will never read.

okay i have read high fantasy before but generally i just don't vibe with it, idk its hard to get invested for me :/

8. NOPE. Book format: Book formatting you hate and avoid buying until it comes out in a different edition.

not super applicable but i CAN’T read ebooks, my brain just does not comprehend, similar thing with audiobooks, i only listen to audiobooks of things ive already read bc i space out a lot and miss chunks lol

9. NOPE. Trope: A trope that makes you go NOPE.

stories that are like super futuristic technology stuff with like tech genius characters??? is that a trope??? does that make sense??? anyway i hate that, i dont think ive read many books like that so ill use the mcu as an example :) it just feels like theres no stakes because everything can be solved by just inventing a new machine! also most uses of time travel, i forgot that one (exceptions would be like bill and ted or paper girls but they are rare)

10. NOPE. Recommendation: A book recommendation that is constantly hyped and pushed at you that you simply refuse to read.

i haven't seen it much recently, but captive prince, just the whole premise and shit that ive heard about it makes me very uncomfortable

11. NOPE. Cliche/pet peeve: A cliche or writing pet peeve that always makes you roll your eyes.

too many pop culture references and shit like that, i feel like i dont see it a lot in stuff i read, but like an example is more recent rr stuff, like it just rarely works and takes me out of the story and i just do not like it

12. NOPE. Love interest: The love interest that’s not worthy of being one. A character you don’t think should have been a viable love interest.

i couldnt think of one soooooo colin greenmantle! he’s a weak bitch who didn’t deserve piper and im glad she killed him!

13. NOPE. Book: A book that shouldn’t have existed that made you say NOPE.

all for the game... its bad

14. NOPE. Villain: A scary villain/antagonist you would hate to cross and would make you run in the opposite direction.

dr leather from zebulon finch!!!!!! why was he like that???? hweee.... fweee..... bitch ill kill you!!!! he was my first thought, idk if hes the scariest but he was fucked up!!! meat etiquette???? people garden????

15. NOPE. Death: A character death that still haunts you.

noah czerny, i do not see it <3

16. NOPE. Author: An author you had a bad experience reading for and have decided to quit.

cassandra claire, i started the mortal instruments in middle school but tbh with just everything ive heard about her and the content of her books... no

okay! now tagging people! i said i wouldnt tag more people but im actually curious so im going to! as usual no pressure! @audikatia @darkadam @pynches @gaynanlynch @adamparrishthot @czernydefencesquad uhhhh and anyone else who wants to! yeehaw!

[24hour-blues]

all the ones you haven't answered yet? i'm sorry you're sad💙

thank you, that's very sweet. i hope you're doing alright 💛

1. when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? - more milk. i always end up putting too much.

2. do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? - yes

3. what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? - library receipts, post-its, junk mail, pencils

5. are you self-conscious of your smile? - i think it’s one of the few things i’m not self-conscious about, actually. i like my smile.

8. what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? - writing, often poetry but sometimes prose. i like creating playlists, too, and singing.

9. do you like singing/humming to yourself? - yeah, i sing to myself all the time. whatever song i have stuck in my head at the moment.

10. do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? - side, but very occasionally my stomach.

12. what’s your favorite planet? - jupiter

14. if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? - lots of pillows and blankets of all types. succulents and cacti on the windowsills. wooden utensils and dark cabinets in the kitchen. a breakfast bar with stools that don’t match. rugs with funky patterns. a big, soft couch in a bright color that you can sink into. a small balcony with fold-out chairs. rows of mugs and barely any plates. the bathroom crowded with makeup and skin products, writing on the mirror in blue marker. beds never made. a guitar in the corner of the sitting room.

15. go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! - there are more trees on earth than stars in the milky way

16. what’s your favorite pasta dish? - angel hair pasta with puttanesca sauce

18. tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. - i can’t think of anything...

19. do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? - everything. sometimes it’s big things, sometimes small. my fears and what i’m in love with. regrets. shame. hope.

20. what’s your favorite eye color? - grey

21. talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. - idk if it’s really my favorite, but my current backpack took me all through college and it’s good for storing stuff or using as an overnight bag. it’s from timberland and is a nice earthy brown with a flap over the top. lots of pockets.

22. are you a morning person? - i can be

23. what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? - make breakfast and tea. read or watch a movie that makes me rethink everything

25. what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? - a school, i think?

26. what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? - i haven’t had them forever, but i wear my doc martens with everything. i used to wear plain white keds with everything.

27. what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? - winter green

28. sunrise or sunset? - sunrise

30. think of it: have you ever been truly scared? - yes

31. what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. - i like soft, fluffy socks and ones with fun patterns. i love hiking socks. i don’t wear them to sleep tho.

32. tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. - i went to a waffle house at 5am with a friend and some friends of hers i’d just met on her birthday. we were all really drunk, the food took forever, and it tasted awful, but we were happy and laughing.

33. what’s your fave pastry? - probably a cinnamon roll

35. do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? - i like a good calligraphy pen and new notebooks. i don’t use them often; i feel like i don’t have anything important enough to write.

37. do you like keeping your room messy or clean? - it’s usually clean unless i’m not feeling well. sometimes i get disorganized.

38. tell us about your pet peeves! - overlapping conversations. people interrupting others. loud mouth noises, like chewing or licking. people criticizing my driving. nitpicky comments on my clothes or how i look. being talked about.

39. what color do you wear the most? - black, probably.

41. what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? - how it feels to float by helena fox

42. do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! - nope

43. who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? - i’m not sure

44. when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? - i can’t remember

45. do you trust your instincts a lot? - not really

46. tell us the worst pun you can think of. - i can’t remember it but something about pigeons and being coo-l

47. what food do you think should be banned from the universe? - bacon. i just wanna make people angry.

48. what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? - my dad told me a story once, about when i was a kid. he said that he and i were walking together near the lake in the neighborhood across from mine. i was holding his hand, and i said to him that this was the happiest time in my life because i wouldn't be the same when i grew out of being a child. i think i have the same fear now--that i'll never be that happy again.

49 do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

- i like records but i only have one. it's an album by ccr. i really like them

50. what’s an odd thing you collect?

- beer bottle caps

52. what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

- maybe those "girl..." text posts that just say stupid shit

53. have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

- watched them all but pulp fiction. i don't really remember heathers at all

55. what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

- lets not talk about that

57. go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

- not in the mood sorry

58. who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? - bri is wine mom. quincy and i are vodka aunt.

60. do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

- yes but i rarely remember favorites. i read so much and feel it then forget all the words

61. what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

- someone gave me a rock once. i get too nervous to give stupid gifts

62. do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

- orange or cranberry

63. are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

- i'm more fussy about music than books, but i do like my books organized. i like them worn in and well-read tho, not in perfect shape.

64. what color is the sky where you are right now?

- a fuzzy, light blue-grey. it's snowing

65. is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

- a few

66. what would your ideal flower crown look like?

- lots of green leaves in all different shapes and sizes. tiny white and blue flowers.

67. how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

- isolated and insignificant. safe

68. what’s winter like where you live?

- cold, grey, snowy.

69. what are your favorite board games?

- idk if i really too many board games. maybe cranium. i like puzzles more

71. what’s your favorite kind of tea?

- honey vanilla chamomile

72. are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

- yea and even then i forget.

73. what are some of your worst habits?

- i give up too easily

74. describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

- excitable. emotional. so very smart. creative as all hell. self-conscious where they shouldn't be. never runs out of words in the best way. loves to share.

75. tell us about your pets!

- my dog shiver is turning into a little old man, but he still acts like a puppy. he likes attention and whines to communicate. he'll greet you at the door and put his front paws on your thighs to say hi. follows you all around the house. loves to cuddle.

- my pigeon spirit is young and vocal. she coos for attention. when i go to sleep, she grunts every time i move to ask where i am and if i'm okay. i take showers with her and sit on the tile; she puffs up right into my side and sticks her wings out for me to splash water on her. she likes to be close to me to get neck scritches and push her head into my neck and preen every bit of me she can.

76. is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

- a lot probably

77. pink or yellow lemonade?

- limeade

78. are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

- i dunno they're cute

80. what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

- it's white wallpaper with pink roses along the top and ribbons of pink and green striped vertically. my mom chose it before i was born.

81. describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

- they sort of remind me of dark water where everything is reflected back in it--not just the sky but the trees and people walking--and they make you want to look closer because you know there's something in there, it's not just a reflection, like flat glass. but it's hidden until you dio your hand in the pictures broken.

82. are/were you good in school?

- pretty good

83. what’s some of your favorite album art?

- i don't look at albums

85. do you read comics? what are your faves?

- not really, but watchmen is one of my favorites.

86. do you like concept albums? which ones?

- dunno

88. are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

- um. idrk. i like whatever monet was doing.

91. where do you plan on traveling this year?

- maybe michigan

92. are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

- i like cheese

93. what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

- i just kind of. let it do whatever.

94. who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

- my uncle

95. what are your plans for this weekend?

- honestly have no clue

96. do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

- put them off until windows tells me it's restarting the computer in five minutes

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

- mb

98. when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

- in college with jacob, although i wouldn't really call it joking. we just walked through a state park. it was beautiful.

100. if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

- idk. i feel like i'd make the same mistakes if i went back, but the future scares me.

[codenamesazanka]

Forgive this, but I gotta rant!

I don’t really like Deku! I feel his character has unutilized potential - or, rather, the character he is supposed to be isn’t the character he is. Of course, this is my opinion.

But yeah! I get it - he wants to be a Hero, he wants to ‘save people with a smile on his face’, but he’s quirkless. Still, supposedly he had this great determination and heroic qualities even before meeting All Might - his hero analyses, him applying to UA... which really means nothing. And that’s all he did.

Sure, he’s a kid, he’s 14, give him a break, but there was so much he could’ve done!!! Learn first aid(!), learn self defense, volunteer, community service, all that. He’s said to be smart, sure, but even better way to show this is to have him realized or had planned for his future Hero career by gaining supplement skills before he ever applied to UA. I really really wish we could’ve seen the UA kids learn first aid.

Biggest problem I have - though, granted, this is brought up in the story - is that everyone still thinks being a Hero is punching bad guys, when it should mean helping people. And yeah, it’s not just Deku, but he’s supposed to be so different All Might thought he should be his successor. The scene where he saves Bakugou, honestly he was also standing in the crowd hoping for a Hero to come - its only when he realizes it’s his friend, that he says his body moved in its own. Which, true, is brave; but him helping a unlucky rando without a second thought might have been better. Have him Good Samaritan the heck out of strangers.

It’s just, the story makes him out to be so kind and gentle and self-sacrificing, and yeah, I can see the times where those shine through; but I also am reminded of that time he heard Todoroki’s family life and decided the appropriate response is to focus on their upcoming match, and when he helps out Bakugou and Eri, it’s because it was relevant to him (recognizing Overhaul in the latter case). Sure, it’s just how stories and plot conveniences are - but there should be other times too for randos; just like two panels of it at the beginning of the chapter.

(Which is why I like the protag from Vigilante much better! In his spare him he just decides to pick up litter and help ppl in small ways, to destress! Yes! He missed his high school entrance exam saving a stranger from drowning! He’s got his flaws, he’s not pure heroic either, but he’s much more aware of his to help people than Deku)

The base for his character was Jack Midoriya from the oneshot My Hero; but Jack fitted well for his story. Iirc, He didn’t want to be the greatest hero ever, he didn’t even really wanted to save everyone really - he just wanted to be a ‘hero’ and help out. At least that’s more honest. He couldn’t be a hero tho, but he showed initiative in trying to get as close as he could to it - working for a support item company to get his hands in support items to be a hero with, going vigilante. But transplant that character to BnHA then try to say Deku is selfless and kind and determined from the get go is a bit of a mistake.

He’s also really not that smart. You know who’s really smart? Shigaraki Tomura!!! Hero analyses, sure, but besides brief tactical brains when relevant to plot, most of his fights is just punching. IIRC.

And why did he care so much about Kouta not liking Heroes? Leave the kid alone, let him hate cops if he wants

*

(Another pet peeve - the fandom’s focus on his quirklessness and how he meant he suffered great discrimination. He was obviously bullied for it, and I don’t doubt there is discrimination for quirkless people - but I don’t think it’s as bad as others make it out to be. I’m ready to eat my words, but I just don’t feel the story supports this - but again, it could be fault of the creator for now showing.

Like, just looking at him doesn’t tell you he’s quirkless. There’s no visible marker of it. He’s not gonna be called a ‘mutt’ or ‘dumb lizard man’ at first glance. Appearance-wise, he’s still the ‘norm’ in the universe - no appendages, no physical transformation.

Besides that, there a lot of people with ‘useless quirks’ - quirks that don’t do much at all, factor very little into their everyday life or skills. This is a superpowered society, sure, but it’s one where people are forbidden to use quirks unless licensed and where you still need boring old accountants and taxi drivers and real estate agents and busboys. These jobs don’t require quirks.

Instead, often we see it’s that people with the more ‘unheroic’ quirks that gets the short end of the stick. Mutant discrimination, quirks that can easily harm people if not very careful, quirks that violate human taboos (like blood drinking). I think, yeah, there is a hierarchy of valuing people for their quirks, definitely, but it’s not a clear hierarchy with quirkless people at the bottom. I do wish we see more quirkless people doing stuff!! But honestly I think there’s very little difference between someone quirkless and someone who has ‘bendy fingers’ (David Shield) for a quirk.)

*

Moreover - tho this is more the fault of the author I guess? - is that only according to genre and story conventions do we know Deku and Shigaraki will duke it out, or otherwise confront each other. There’s very very little interaction between the two beyond their actions effecting each other (and not on purpose, it just so happens because they’re on hero and villain sides). Their goals don’t even factor each other in beyond the vague

There’s still ample time for Deku to find out more about Shigaraki but the idea of Deku extending a hand to help Shigaraki is kinda laughable right now. Honestly Bakugou and Shigaraki had better connection and potential; for one, one of Shigaraki’s schemes was all to capture Bakugou and recruit him; for another, Bakugou learning that being a Hero isn’t punching out bad guys and having to save people’s hearts is an actual, interesting storyline that develops both characters, IMO.

All Might reaching out to Shigaraki and redeeming/ trying to redeem him? I’ll accept because I love whacked up Shimura family drama! The connection between the two, AFO’s meddling with them both, all that buried history and mystery to uncover, all those emotions of hatred and guilt, and the emotional consequences of Shigaraki getting incarcerated or executed for his crimes and All Might willing to try his hardest to prevent that / soften that for him, which contradicts his supposedly heroic and impartial justice law-abiding gimmick; and the fate of the story and effects on society resting absurdly on how their relationship turns out, bringing up questions about sacrifice and familial duty and justice - yes, absolutely!!!

Deku saving Shigaraki? :/ nothing to back that for now, still.

Petty, but it’s partly why I don’t wanna see allying-with-the-heroes-type-redemption for Shigaraki if it means Deku helping him lmao. Anyone else who’s relevant, sure! Fucking Gran Torino could work.

[rhetorical-ink]

Rhetorical Ink Reviews: The Grinch (2018)

**GRINCHY SPOILERS BELOW**

I have a fondness for Dr. Seuss and honestly am hesitant with any re-imaginings of his work, because often the magic and whimsical spirit of his creations are lost **coughcoughTheLoraxcoughcough**, so I was a bit hesitant to see this new film. I also have a love/hate relationship with the Jim Carey version, but more on that below. Having said that, after viewing, here are:

My Top Ten Thoughts on The Grinch (2018 version):

10. First thing’s first, I’m the realest, the animation is GORGEOUS. Seriously, this is Illumination’s best animated film yet, in my opinion. The details? Flawless. The snow looks real, there are more tiny specific details packed into each frame -- the film simply looks stunning. I’ve heard that the 3D was actually worth getting for this film -- I only watched in 2D, so I’m not sure, but it may be worth checking out in that format. Simply put, it’s a Whoville Feast for the Eyes.

9. The comedy -- this movie surprised me with how funny it actually is. Yes, there are still a few of the more dumb, gross-out gags from the trailer -- but honestly, the comedy here is pretty darn hilarious at times. There is a scene early on involving a caroling group -- I won’t spoil it, but my brother and I were rolling at it. Not every joke lands, but about 90% did for me, and it was FAR better humor than any Minions movie, so I’ll take it! Most of the gags were clever and holiday-related, so I enjoyed that.

8. Speaking of holiday-related, I can EASILY see this movie being played on loop at Christmas parties and get-together gatherings, simply because of the atmosphere of the film. There is SO much Christmas-related items, songs, and scenery that you cannot HELP but enlarge your heart three sizes and feel the festive mood set in. I’m a staunch post-Thanksgiving weekend Christmas decorator, but even I wanted to get out some decorative elements watching this movie.

7. I do like Benedict Cumberbatch as the Grinch -- his voice isn’t his usual deep and menacing one that he has done in the past for CGI/Motion Capture creatures/characters, which was refreshing. I honestly would not have known it was him if I hadn’t already knew he was playing the character.

A lot of reviews I’ve read have dogged Cumberbatch’s Grinch for not being ill-spirited enough. I’m not so sure -- yes, he is not the grump that Seuss originally gave us, but he’s not the weird and wacky Carey version, either. He’s more just a big jerk that finds the caring he craved through Cindy Lou Who (more on her and her family below). There are actions The Grinch does early on that establish he’s a miser, though none of them are extremely horrendous. Then again, the original Grinch doesn’t really do anything horrible -- he just IS horrible, in both appearance and sensory descriptions (cue the song lyrics). I think the fact that this Grinch is a cleaner, more polished animated version makes him seem more tame than other interpretations, and I’m not sure that’s fair.

6. One thing I DO notice and can see the criticism with is that this is a VERY tamed down, “G” rated Grinch. The message of “love” being all we need for Christmas was in the original and 2000 remake, so I don’t take issue with that -- what I do notice is that the film takes certain liberties with The Grinch’s backstory, much like the 2000 version did.

It’s a little bit of a pet peeve for me. For example, in Sleeping Beauty, I liked that Maleficent is just a mean-spirited witch who was mad they didn’t invite her to their kid’s birthday party and decided to wreak havoc. No real reason, she was just mad at their exclusion -- she didn’t need a huge backstory to explain her actions.

Here, the Grinch has to have a backstory to help explain his motivations, and I just don’t understand the reasoning there. Just let him be The Grinch and quit trying to give him an excuse for it.

5. Max is by far the MVP of the film -- he has no speaking lines, but steals the show. I just love how much like a DOG he is and his animation and comedic timing are a joy in the film.

4. I do like how the citizens of Whoville are all just normal people as well -- Cindy Lou Who is a girl living with her single mother and twin brothers, Bean and Buster (which is a funny little play on words). Unlike the 2000 version, where every Who was an obnoxious jerk, these Who’s are definitely more like the ones in the original Dr. Seuss version, which I appreciated.

3. Speaking of like Dr. Seuss, the technology was a fun update from the classic version, while still keeping that “Seussian” charm -- the gadgets were all wonky, bizarre, and very imaginative. ESPECIALLY the technology The Grinch uses to steal Christmas -- that was fun to see and very inspiring!

2. Cindy Lou Who is not just a passive little infant in this film -- she acts majorly with the plot and provides a lot of the conflict and plot movement in the film. I wasn’t too crazy about her posse of friends, and think that more time could have been given to her and the Grinch’s interactions, so that is one negative I would add to the film.

Still, I did like how she was an active participant in the plot, and not just a little girl standing around not doing anything.

Although, did anyone else think that she was trying to set the Grinch up with her single mother?! I kept thinking that towards the end, and even my brother leaned over and asked if she was setting her mom up...that could be interesting!

1. All in all, the Grinch is a harmless family-friendly movie that if you like Christmas, I would recommend seeing. It’s only an hour and a half, so it’s a quick watch -- if you want to wait until it’s streaming or on DVD, that works too. You know what you are getting into when you see this movie!

I will note that I believe Angela Lansbury did a voice in this film, which got me excited she is doing more films, and Kenan from Kenan and Kel/SNL plays a very jolly, fun character.

If you are ready for Christmas to invade your brain, this might just set the spark!

[volleydorkscentral]

ANSWER ALL OF THE QUESTIONS IN THE UNUSUAL ASK GAME, YOU COWARD.

First of all: 

Second, questions under the cut: 

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? - Spotify! all the way. i hoarse my bf’s account so he can never listen but i don’t care it’s mine now it’s full of my music and my playlists and whenever i’m listening to it and it suddenly changes cause he tries to use it on his phone I call him, “are you using spotify?” “oh. i mean i can listen to something else?” “cool, thanks!” and i get my music back. :D

is your room messy or clean? - it’s somewhere in between. my actual ROOM (bed room, i assume) is pretty clean, except i never make the bed. but the house is .. a work in progress. it’s not dirty but it’s cluttered so my bf and I are having to work together to clear that and build shelves and stuff for more storage space.

what color are your eyes? - dark brown! (with little green flecks when I cry)

do you like your name? why? - Not really? i don’t hate it. My mom wanted to name me Savannah but they had her sign the certificate while she was still drugged from her c-section so it ended up as Crystal?? Idk. She named her dolls Crystal when she was a kid.

what is your relationship status? - dating for almost six years. 

how many times a week do you shower? uhhh idk. I don’t shower every day (unless i get gross). AT LEAST four times… but I don’t wash my hair every time cause that’s bad for my hair. I SHOWER WHEN I AM DIRTY.

favorite tv show? does Haikyuu!! count? that’s probably a given. HM. Well, we don’t have cable so I don’t watch a lot of NEW shows? …. OH. Duh. Fuckin me I’m a dumbass. Bob’s Burgers. I literally have it on ALL THE TIME. I don’t like silence so it’s ALWAYS on in the background if i’m not listening to music. I’ve seen every episode a zillion times. I can usually pinpoint every scene and the major lines/jokes.

shoe size? most brands it’s 5 1/2 

how tall are you? SHORTER THAN NISHINOYA BUT TALLER THAN YACHI. I’m like… 5ft-5’1 depending on how much my back hurts. (i used that earlier and someone said it was funny and i’m trash so i’ll repeat it here!)

sandals or sneakers? i wear Bobs LOL. (knock off toms) and i’ve got one pair of sneakers and sometimes I wear my ballet flats around even though my bf says they look dumb fuck u they’re comfy.

do you go to the gym? No. I used to, but where I live now it’d be like a 45 min drive. I don’t really LIKE gyms though? working out is boring to me. No matter how hard I try. I’d love to start dancing again for real.

describe your dream date - April 25th because it’s not too cold and not too hot. Okay but jk that’s a lie where I live it’s balls hot in april. Idk. I’d like to go hiking when it’s not very hot? Take my dog, let her run around. Take a picnic. Sit in a grassy field and talk about dumb shit cause we know each other’s dreams and hopes by now.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? UHM. fuck like…. $27? i know there’s a twenty and a handful of ones. And a handful of change.

what color socks are you wearing? - NONE. MY FEET ARE COLD. FOREVER COLD.

how many pillows do you sleep with? - pft like 6.

do you have a job? what do you do? - No; I quit after being over worked, under appreciated, cheated out of my paychecks a few times, and no job still due to lingering health issues.

how many friends do you have? answered this already!

whats the worst thing you have ever done? - UHM. Idk i haven’t murdered anyone. I don’t like this question cause if i really try to answer it i’ll spiral into a frustrated, furious depression and self-hatred so… NOPE.

whats your favorite candle scent? i’ve got this candle i got from etsy that’s like… Scottish Highlands? It’s grassy and kinda MAGICY.

3 favorite boy names - i don’t really have favorite names?

3 favorite girl names - answered already

favorite actor? god idk. i’m so bad with names and celebrities. uhm. I really like don’t have a favorite. I LIKE a bunch. Benedict Cumberbatch; Freddie Highmore… uhm. uh. Hugh Laurie? 

favorite actress? IDK OKAY?? I LIKE a bunch but i don’t favorite?? I really like Gwendoline Christie. Uhm. Anne Hathaway makes me laugh. MAGGIE SMITH. how could i forget!??!

who is your celebrity crush? I LEGIT don’t have one.

favorite movie? CLUE takes the top spot most days.

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I used to read a lot more. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

money or brains?  personality, bitch.

do you have a nickname? what is it? not *really* but people online used to call me Chrys. My bf calls me ‘sweetie’ sometimes but he also calls the dog that so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

how many times have you been to the hospital? - uhm. like the er? Once when I broke my arm. Doc in the box? Not since 2017.

top 10 favorite songs - PFT. Uhm. Jesus just let me die a little. Excluding all Disney; Not in any order:

No One - Biometrix

Danser - Lisandro Cuxi

A Single Moment of Sincerity (E) - Asking Alexandria (the band I was listening to when I designed my rockstar MC that I love so much)

The Annabel Trilogy (a series of 3 albums) - Alesana. Can’t pick a single song because they’re all a part of a huge story. Listen to them.

Chucky vs. The Giant Tortoise - Dance Gavin Dance

Anticoagulant - Sianvar

Ohioisonfire - Of Mice & Men

Coincidance - Handsome Dancer (Watch the Video for the love of god. THANKS ASH FOR THIS GEM)

Devil’s Backbone - The Civil Wars

Still Here - Digital Daggers (i’ve been listening it to a lot for inspiration for a new AU so… yup. That’s gonna be fun and painful)

do you take any medications daily? - yup

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) - i got dry ass skin it sucks

what is your biggest fear? - uhm… physical fear? idk. Heights is a big one that I developed? I used to not care but a while ago I was walking on a bridge and I just… looked over and got FUCKING DIZZZY with nausea and fear that I was gonna fall and almost fainted. 

how many kids do you want? - HONESTLY… one or two.

whats your go to hair style? - tried to brush but gave up so just threw it in a claw clip

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) - moderate? one story, four bedrooms. big ass yard though for the dog

who is your role model? - I don’t really have one.

what was the last compliment you received? - answered already

what was the last text you sent? - actual TEXT message? ‘as long as there’s someone with her overnight she’ll be okay during the day cause of the dog door and stuff. just play with her before you go to work and maybe hide some treats around the house for her to hunt for’ - texting my friend that’s gonna house sit while we go on a family vacation soon.

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? - UH idk the age? i know I saw my mom writing scavenger cards though. My fam has never had a lot of money so to make Christmas more interesting my mom/grandparents (we lived with them till I was in 3rd grade) would make these elaborate scavenger hunts for me and my cousins to do to find our presents around the house or out in the barn or, on one memorable occasion, at the bottom of our pool! Good memories. 

what is your dream car? - one that RUNS and has badass AC and speakers

opinion on smoking? - hate it. please don’t do it around me. my bf’s family alllllll smoke all the time and i get so sick when i have to go on vacation with them and be around it for a long time. 

do you go to college? - i DID. I went to Culinary school and majored in Baking & Pastry

what is your dream job? - Author or Dog Trainer

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? - rural as all hell. give me trees, cows, and horses. 

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Not usually? but usually the people i’m with do. 

do you have freckles? Not on my face (except one) but i’ve got more like… on my arms and just randomly all over but i dont think ‘freckles’ would be what anyone thinks of when they think of me

do you smile for pictures? - only if i’m forced to be in them

how many pictures do you have on your phone?  - HAHAHAHAHAHA. Well. Before I got my new phone it was over 10k. Now though its only about 2k. 

have you ever peed in the woods? - Only when I was camping. 

do you still watch cartoons? - ALL THE GODDAMN TIME

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? - neither. but i HATE WENDYS and can tolerate McD’s fries and they’ve got ballin’ sweet tea so I guess McD.

Favorite dipping sauce? this honey dijon creamy thing at my favorite French restaurant but idk what is is.

what do you wear to bed? - t-shirt 

have you ever won a spelling bee? - YUP. 2nd grade.  

what are your hobbies? - writing, crocheting, photography, reading, uh… i forget what else

can you draw? when i was doing it all the time i did ok? but i’m WAY TOO IMPATIENT now a days to do it. 

do you play an instrument? - no but i wish i did :(

what was the last concert you saw? - i’ve never been to a concert. crowds are icky

tea or coffee? - tea!

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? - already answered this

do you want to get married? - Yes pls

what is your crush’s first and last initial? - (bf, but I suppose i still have a crush on him? is love considered a crush?) J. Y. 

are you going to change your last name when you get married? god yes. my current last name is my shitbag of a sperm doner and i hate it. my mom kept it after they divorced only cause she thought her maiden name would be too hard for me to spell but i would give anything to have that name instead

what color looks best on you? - idk. i prefer black but i’ve been told green and certain shades of pink/yellow. 

do you miss anyone right now? - not until i thought about it, thanks

do you sleep with your door open or closed? open so my pupper can go in and out

do you believe in ghosts? not until i’m faced with darkness and creepy things 

what is your biggest pet peeve? people chewing their food loud. people not picking up after themselves. people interrupting me (but not in the excited, OMG way. that we can work though) but in the ‘i don’t care what you’re saying i’m going to talk now’ way

last person you called` - my bf to discuss plans for his brother’s bday

favorite ice cream flavor? cookies n’ cream!

regular oreos or golden oreos? DOUBLE STUFF OF EITHER

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? FUCK SPRINKLES

what shirt are you wearing? a shirt that has my dog’s face on it :D

what is your phone background? - the art that Ash drew of Bokuto from my fic Just a Taste!!

are you outgoing or shy? - i hate talking to strangers but with my friends i’m pretty fucking loud and chatty

do you like it when people play with your hair? only people i know

do you like your neighbors? nope. he’s an asshole who neglected his dog and i wanna skin him alive

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? i do my best to remember to do it at night but i always do it when i shower

have you ever been high? yup. 

have you ever been drunk? yup

last thing you ate? BIRTHDAY CAKE

favorite lyrics right now - idk? i guess the first lyrics that came to mind, even though they’re not my favorite, just ones that i like and were stuck in my head for a while: “All of the handsome fiction / will melt away / and when the flame burns brighter / Evaporate” Evaporate - Dance Gavin Dance

summer or winter?  WINTER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. IT’S SO FUCKING HOT IN SUMMER I DIE EVERY DAY

day or night? both have their merits

dark, milk, or white chocolate? - all chocolate but i prefer white to just EAT. 

favorite month? uhm. uhh. November maybe? for NaNoWriMo. 

what is your zodiac sign - pftt.. i think i used to be a Gemini? i don’t believe in all that stuff 

who was the last person you cried in front of? - ….. my dog? but probably my mom and Grandmother when my GM basically said my bf didn’t love me and was a shit human being and i was a shit granddaughter for loving him. i was both upset and furious and i walked away from them. (my mom called and apologized, but i haven’t spoken to my GM since)

THERE ASH ARE YOU GODDAMN HAPPY. that took so long LOL (I hope the formatting came through I had to redo it on this tumblr page UGH)

[sugarvencm]

astrology ask meme

♈️♉️♊️♋️♌️♍♎️♏️♐️♑️♒️♓️

———————🌟—————————

⭐️ what is your sun, moon, and rising?

— taurus sun, leo moon, cancer risinh

— dominant element: air + fire

— dominant sign: leo!!

♈️ • what is the most important thing to you?

— making something of myself. not relying on others and going out there for myself.

♉️ • what’s your favorite dessert?

— ice cream/milkshakes!! (i have a huge sweet tooth so usually chocolate and caramel are involved)

♊️ • what’s the last text that you sent?

— “good. text me when you can”

♋️ • what are your parents’ signs?

— mom: libra

— dad: capricorn

♌️ • one thing you love about yourself?

—how determined i am! i always get back up at the end of the day when i’ve been knocked down. i never give up

♍️ • what are your biggest pet peeves?

—people who make problems and complain about them. like you got yourself into this mess?? but don’t wanna fix it?? ok hunny. i also hate when people are inconsistent

♎️ • describe your dream partner

—have a work ethic/something that motivates and drives them. if you have no goals in life then :/ can easily hold a conversation and not about mundane topics. very affectionate and thoughtful!! the little things really matter!! like you picked me up some ice cream while you were out bc you were thinking of me?? 😍🥰

♏️ • do you trust easily?

— i always trust someone until they give me a reason not to. and then i’ll always be wondering what the truth is.

♐️ • what is your favorite quote?

— “fake it til you make it”

♑️ • what's your dream job?

—don’t really have one 😅 but i would probably love to work at a bookstore or library

♒️ • do you believe in aliens?

—absolutely. we’d be dumb to think we’re the only organisms alive.

♓️ • describe someone you love.

— my niece! she’ll be 4 in november. she’s a scorpio! spunky, loud, big attitude. takes no shit. curly blonde hair, big blue eyes. she resembles me when i was her age. i fell in love instantly with her <33 she’s my soulmate. (as in, someone i have a deep soul connection to & could never let go)

——— PLANETS ———

🌞 • describe yourself.

— doesn’t know what an “inside voice” is, ambitious, puts money over everything (it’s a security thing... my main goal in life is to be financially secure, mostly because i grew up poor), introverted, prefers a night in then a night out, loves poetry, a hopeless romantic, very superstitious

🌔 • what's your comfort item?

— food lmao

🌟 • how would you describe your style?

— girly. i love crop tops, ripped skinny jeans, sandals, bright colors!!

☿ • what color do you talk in?

— mostly red and blue

♀ • how do you express romantic affection?

— everything. i love spending time together, giving random gifts, saying words of affirmations, being physically affectionate, and the small things too (offering to rub your back, suggesting you put on your seatbelt, making you food, etc)

♂ • are you easily angered?

— unfortunately... yes. and i can hold a grudge. i’m the type to be fine one minute and then the next i’ll remember something that someone said to me and get upset all over again lol

♃ • you have to move somewhere else. where in the world would you choose to go?

— a big city. but with a cooler environment, even a rainy one. i just don’t like hot weather & i wanna be where everything is close together so no country.

♄ • what are you most afraid of?

— i’m afraid of everything lol. large bodies of water, heights, death, never having enough money

♅ • are you rebellious?

— when i want to be. if i don’t like something i don’t just sit quiet and accept it.

♆ • share one of your dreams.

— they’re mostly about other people and always have some sort of hidden meaning that come to fruition later on in my life.

♇ • what's the biggest thing you've learned by far in your life?

— the world doesn’t revolve around me and sometimes i am the toxic person in someone’s life.

——— ASTEROIDS ———

😈 lilith • do you have any guilty pleasures?

— shitty supernatural romance books (such as twilight), taylor swift (not a guilty pleasure but every time i say i love her music i get judgy looks...), self inserts

☄️ chiron • what’s the hardest thing you went through last year?

— if they apologize but don’t change, it’s manipulation.

🌾 ceres • are you a momfriend?

— 100%. i once told my friend “make sure you brush your tongue too”. but i’m also the friend who encourages you to do bad things lol.

👩🏼 pallas • do you have a good relationship with your parents?

— biological dad, no. biological mom, kinda. stepdad, kinda.

👰🏼 juno • do you believe in soul mates?

— absolutely. not only romantic ones, but platonic and familial too. basically anyone i feel a connection to (and it’s very hard for me to connect with someone so once i do, i will probably never get over you).

——— HOUSES ———

1 • are you confident?

— with some things. mostly i fake confidence

2 • what’s your dream house look like?

— a spacious apartment in the nice part of the city. either a minimalist/modern look to it or a pastel pink theme. enough space for a library and enough rooms for me to have not only a guest room, but also just a den to place all my extra stuff. big bathroom!!

3 • do you talk a lot?

— depends on the situation/who i’m around.

4 • what does your bedroom look like?

— bed pushed against the wall by the window. mirror against my closet door. inside my closet i have my shoes neatly lined up and my clothes organized. against another window is a dresser and opposite that is a vanity. then another dresser at the end of my room where my TV sits. a bookshelf next to that dresser filled with books, video games, and misc.

5 • what’s your hairstyle?

— shoulder length, frizzy dark brown hair. naturally a honey blonde. i always flat iron when i’m going out.

6 • is your house clean?

— not at the moment. i have my niece and nephew over. but my room stays organized.

7 • if you could choose, what signs would you like your dream partner to be?

— i get along with cancer and aries placements the most!! (although at times it does feel like a competition 😅)

8 • do you believe in reincarnation?

— without a doubt

9 • song lyrics?

— “our love was borrowed, but i think it deserves a second chance”

10 • what’s your favorite book?

— carmilla by sheridan le fanu

11 • what signs are your best friends?

— aries sun, virgo moon, cancer rising, aries venus

— another aries sun, aries venus

— aquarius sun

— cancer sun, aries moon, taurus rising, gemini venus

12 • do you like to be alone?

— i prefer it. i distance myself all the time; i need time to recuperate my energy.

[katie-----luv]

ANSWERING QUESTIONS FROM THORAYA MARONESY

Can you describe someone you love?

He’s tall. He’s so dumb sometimes. Very very handsome. He makes my heart beat so hard that i feel like i’ll throw up if i stay around him. Even if I'm just thinking about him or have something of his, i feel absolutely crazy about him. I can't tell anyone who it is, but i want the whole freaking world to know how much i love this person because of how amazing he is. He wears his heart on his sleeve and gives up so much to make others comfortable and happy. He matches his clothes well haha and when he smiles, he makes me wanna stare forever. I could literally look at him all day. He asks me things that no one else cares about and he makes me feel so welcome. Even though I literally cannot be with him for so many reasons, he will always be the one that i will love more than anyone in the entire universe and i hate it but it is reassuring that I can love someone so much. He’ll never leave too. And the best thing about him is he gives the most amazing hugs. Long, amazing hugs. Middle of the night or 4 am, he always wants a hug from me. And no matter why or what happened, i will always want a hug from him. Because he just makes me feel everything. I love him so much that even if it's indescribable, i still try because it's worth it for him. Even if these words barely light the candles on the cake. 

What's the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

I think my sister. We’re sisters, ya know, we hate each other one second, but the next, she is as amazing as she was before. I think she is the most beautiful because of how she deals with life. She always questions, she gets deep. She isn’t simple-minded at all, very talented in art. She is the smartest person I've ever known personally. And I love how free she is. In a sense where she doesn't want to be like everyone else. She deals with her own crap like everyone else but at the end of the day, she is still getting back up and laughing. And she is so weird too haha. She likes things like care bears and wants to move to a billion different places and do a billion different careers and marry an Australian man. Her goals and personality just crack me up.

Can you define love?

Love doesn't really have a definition in my opinion. If you really love someone, you’re left speechless, you don't have the words to define what you feel because of how overpowering it is.

Can you define hate?

Hate is a major pain that is..like it feels like someone put a blanket on your heart and took swings at it until whatever or whoever you hate walked away. It's a pain that makes you feel more angry at one thing than anything else i guess.

What's your biggest regret?

I have plenty but I guess the one that sums them all up would be ever lying. Lying is what gave me more regrets. If not lying then maybe falling in love. No one really thinks i have ever been in love but i was in love with someone and they were in love with a made up version of me pretty much. I miss them everyday and i lost them bc i lied. So yeah, goes with lying but i hate that i ever fell in love with them whether it was real them or just a lie too.

Kindest act?

When i was in 3rd or 4th grade, I had a bunch of money saved up, close to $200 from birthday money and other holiday money. I spent some. I didn't know what to do with the rest, so I gave it to my school counselor to give to the leukemia charity that they were funding for the month. When they announced on the announcement that i was the biggest donator, they got my name wrong and called me Kayle instead, but I didn't care because I knew I did something good. It was $97.

Wildest dream?

I’ve had some crazy ones so it's hard to choose or remember all of one.

Biggest fear?

I used to think it was being murdered or kidnapped or maybe even spiders. Now i know that it's of being hurt. I've been hurt by lots of people before and ive cried so many times alone but didn't wanna tell anyone and pushed it down. It ended up making me do some things that i shouldn't have because I didn't wanna think about being hurt and i feel like if i have to keep pushing things down, ill continue to be afraid to speak out and be sad for a long time again.

Best and worst quality?

That's kinda hard because i have a lot of both. I guess I'll just pick at random though because i can't chose. I have a quality that can be good and bad at the same time. It's that I'm forgiving, i don't know when to give up on people. It's good because I can give people chances which makes a good friendship bc i dont just drop them. But it's bad because sometimes i give the wrong people too many chances and get hurt over and over. But when i try to figure out when to let go and give up, i do it at the wrong time and make more issues. So it's complicated.

When have you felt the most alive?

If I'm choosing a whole time period, up until 4rd grade. A moment in the times I remember, when I dropped someone holding me back. I say up until 4rd grade because all times before then, I didn't care what people thought. I was never hurt like i have been since. I was a happy kid who played with littlest pet shop and had a billion besties. And i say when i dropped someone holding me back i mean that i was hung up on someone I thought loved me unconditionally and I loved them so much. He ended up not caring about me anymore which was understandable. But later on when I finally told him to go away because all he did was make me hurt, I stopped talking to him, and I was so so so SO free.

What's the best advice you’ve been given? 

You have to love people for who they are. My mom told me this. I don't like judging people or making people hurt or uncomfortable. But sometimes people have qualities that I just can't stand but they are some of my closest friends. So when my mom told me this, I felt like if i can't love them past these qualities, maybe i need to realize whether or not i love them really, because I can't change them to fit my needs or wants.

What's been your biggest obstacle?

Trying to get passed drama whether it was created by me for myself or drama with everyone. I made mistakes, I'm human, but it's been tough trying to learn from them. Now, I'm starting to see where I went wrong and moving past it to grow. 

Most embarrassing story?

I have a lot and I physically can't make myself type any bc they're so bad.

Your perfect life partner?

Someone who doesn't care when I'm being a bum. Someone who loves me and respects me. I'm not big on too much PDA. every once in a while, i'll kiss or hold someone's hand but usually, i feel embarrassed for whatever reason. So id like them to remember that and ask or hint first. I dunno.

What does beauty mean to you? 

Beauty means personality and looks to me. It doesn't mean hot or pretty. To me, beauty is how you describe someone that's indescribable.

Favorite memory?

Well i have a lot of memories that make me smile so much. But the one that I can think of off the top of my head is probably when I went up to Ohio where my cousins live around x-mas. The year before, my little cousin Silas passed away on New Years eve. We all went to this thing where they sang xmas music, had santa, and lit up some building. Me and all my cousins had our arms around each other and we were all singing together. It felt good that even though only a year before, we lost someone so young, we could all still smile and stay strong, together.

A moment that moved you?

I was at bob evans once with my mom and sister and a random old man paid for our meal and came to us saying he just wanted too. I never forgot that old man and that happened back when I was maybe 5 or 6 and i'm way now.

What would the title of your movie be?

hm...Self-inflicted because i self inflict too many issues for myself.

How have you changed?

I’ve learned so many lessons that I needed to learn.

What do you wish you said?

I wish i apologized about so much. I also wish I told my parents why I made so many mistakes. If i had done both of those things then I wouldn't have so many regrets because I would have had less drama and maybe some support or help.

Your last words?

I'm sorry i pushed it all down.

One thing you would change about yourself?

Maybe some of the things that go through my head. I can be really rude or sound super depressed. I would change how I handle that in my head.

Biggest pet peeve?

Matching and lint/hair on clothes. If you don't match or are covered in lint/hair, it makes me feel so anxious.

What's your purpose?

I think I may actually be too young to answer, but i'll tell you when i know.

Your one simple rule?

I think I have too many to answer that.

What are you looking forward to next?

Moving away. I have so many bad relationships with friends and ive lived in the same place for my entire life. I feel like i live in a box and i need to experience other places. I want to grow in life but is hard when i'm in the same place everything has happened. So moving will help me grow a lot.

What are you most proud of?

My academic achievements. I still suck at math but I'm hoping that I can fix that and maybe I'll really have all honors classes. As of now, I have almost all honors, just missing math.

What do you miss most in life?

Feeling happy for more than a short period of time. I'm not as sad as i used to be. But back when i was always depressed, i was the definition of pushing it all away around my family. I never told my parents and still haven't told them how sad I really always felt, only the jist, because of school and life. And now, i have better things that make me happy but at the end of the day, I always feel worthless and drained.

How would you like to be treated?

I would like to be treated like i'm as equal as everyone else. My close friends know that I haven't been in a good place for a while, i went through family drama because of me for a while and i'm starting to finally fix my mistakes but it's tough because they all treat me like i can't be told about their problems since it might make me worse i guess. And I think that's also why they treat me like the ‘leader’. Out of pity. It's been that way my whole life. Even as a little kid. And i hate it. I just wanted to be treated like i'm a friend not like what i need matters more than anyone else's needs because i have ‘issues’.

What do you want to let go of?

Everything that's been put in the past. I know it's been put there for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. I want to let go of the mistakes I made in the past because I opened my eyes and saw that that's what they are, mistakes. And even if it happened yesterday, i wanna let go, because it's time to move on if it's not happening.

What does the world need?

A big slap of sense. So many are oblivious to the issues we cause to the world and what issues are just happening to the world. While some things are serious, there are bigger problems than what celebrity slept with someone last night. Things such as suicicide and global warming are real and everyones too busy worrying about chris hemsworth’s abs and so and so’s herpes. I'm guilty of it too, but more and more I realize that there's serious things happening and no one is doing much. 

What makes you happy?

There's a few things but for some reason, my cousins makes me unbelievably happy. When I'm around them, they're not my cousins. They are the best best friends I could ever ask for. I have never loved anyone more than I love all of them. When i hear i get to see them, I'm on it! I hope for the words ‘we’re going to ohio’ every second. I absolutely love them to death, even the ones who are slower than turtles. If they were my siblings, I would want to be home daily with all of them. I cant even explain how much my heart screams to be around all of them and i have no idea why. They're all so amazing. And so are their parents and grandparents and all of them. When my family is with them, i see how much fun they have and it makes me even happier because my parents don't hangout with too many friends or close family. But with them, they talk and laugh as much as I do and I love seeing them so happy.

Have you ever had your heart broken?

OH YEAH! By friends, crushes, family. I guess if I chose one from each category, friends would be when one of my closest friends told my whole school that i had leukemia and i was getting treated. So many kids asked if I was okay and I was all, ‘what?’ when I found out, I confronted her and she lied about it. And when i didn't accept her apology, I did say some uncalled for things, but she made me feel like she could just throw away friendships left and right and she didn't care what happened. But when she lost all her friends, she cared, and she put us all on a bully form because we decided we didn't need a friend who would do something like that. And it was hard watching it happen because we’d been friends our whole life. For crushes, when I was in 5th grade, I was finally in class again with a life long crush. But he played me a bunch of times and bullied me along with his friends. That stuck with me, everything they said and did, but i only cried about it alone because I didn't think it was that serious that they bullied me. Now i see it was. For family..i think when my little cousin silas passed, I realized how serious death was because I was in 6th grade at the time, I understood it all completely. It broke me big time because id met him once and he was a sweet kid. While it brought our entire family together because of his funeral, I bawled the whole time because i felt like i could've done more to interact with him even though I never had the actual chance really. 

The hardest question I've asked?

Thats hard to answer. I think when I had to ask myself if I thought being alive was worth it. I never thought i'd be the person to have to ask myself so when i did, it hit me hard and I had to take it seriously. 

What's beautiful about you?

I think it's that i always want change and am almost always willing to change. Yeah, i'm a person so sometimes I don't want to change anything. But to me, change is so good and the fact that I'm always growing because I'm constantly needing change is beautiful because it makes me mature rather than be naive forever.

How did you find out Santa isn't real?

Oh haha. My sister. We had an elf on the shelf and her and I touched it to test if it would move still. It did. So i question if Santa was real because the elf wasn't. And i would hear people moving all the time when i went to bed x-mas eve. Yeah, i took it easily. But in the back of my head, i was always kinda salty that my sister ruined the fantasy for me. But better now than never.

How do you get through hard times?

I cry. I don't like talking about problems, I feel embarrassed and alone when I have them. So I write and I cry. Which is probably one of the worst ways to deal with it all, but music also helps and I think plenty use music to get through things.

When did you realize you weren't like everyone else?

When i realized how sad i always was. And maybe when i saw how i wasnt a super skinny kid. I'm not fat. But i'm not a stick like all these girls. And i noticed that. But yeah, when i started to feel more and more sad as I got older. And I saw how not too many others were like that.

Worst decision?

Lying because it only made life worse.

1 strange fact about me?

I have a weird birthmark where my leg starts to lead up to my underwear line on the left side. I hate wearing swimsuits like underwear because of it. It's dumb.

Most complicated question ive asked?

I honestly don't know about that one.

What do you look for in a man?

I look for a deeper part of them. I look for things like the nerdy vibes. I like nerdy or depressed guys. I don't like depressed dudes because they're depressed but because they’re the ones with the deep, interesting thoughts. And nerdy because i think dorky guys are adorable. But either way, I like when they listen and their understanding and sweet. I like when they talk a lot, but not more than me. When they make dumb jokes and do more than play video games, i like that. And when they have fashion sense. And shower.

What are you scared to share with people?

Probably what my mistakes actually are.

Earliest memory?

I have a few that I remember being super young but i don't know which one was the first one but one that I like a lot is when I was really young my mom would throw my sister and i big birthday parties and I had a close friend named Gavin Bush. he and I were close because his sister Emma was besties with my sister. But i remember at my birthday party, we were eating rice krispies together and laughing. He had a huge crush on me for the longest time and I always feel bad that I didn't notice much. But i mean, laughing with him was one of my favorite things to do back then. 

Most painful thing you've ever been told?

That i lost all trust. I lied too much and my parents told me that i lost any trust they had in me. But i try everyday to build it back up.

Kindest thing you’ve been told?

That i keep people happy, even when I'm going throw something myself. My friends have told me that even when they're mad or upset, I still make them laugh and while it pisses them off, they love that about me.

What are you ashamed of?

My body. I love some things about it and hate others. I hate my thighs and stretch marks but i remember that someone out there could care less and only cares for my mind and i feel better.

Worst thing you've done to please someone?

Lied about my whole life pretty much. Or said someone said one thing when they said the opposite to protect their feelings.