beythrice

[zity015]

Guess what this is?

Thats right! My autism journal! I've logged all my symptoms into it in extensive detail, citing my sources from the CDC and other trustworthy websites. I have multiple sections, thus the sticky notes on the side, each one helping to prove my case- that I 100% believe I am autistic, and I need help with it.

The sections include:

Introduction: This section has basic symptoms, and my experience with each of them. at the end of this section it has all the URLS of where I got my information.

Tests/Quizzes: This section includes online tests, Mostly from Embrace-Autism.com that indicate my autism. Each log has the name, my score, what the score means, the score for Neurotypicals if I can find it, and the URL of where I got the test.

Testimony: This section includes detailed quotes from people close to me as to why they, from the outside looking in, think I'm autistic. Each log shows name, Relationship to me, Quote, and date they said it.

Notes: A LOT of this journal is just misc notes about myself, each bulleted with a star. these notes are not necessarily symptoms of a website, but things I do that I believe indicate Autism.

Hyperfixation: Hyperfixation/Special interest specific ranting because ofc I need to rant about that

DSM-5: This includes a detailed summery of each qualification in the DSM-5 according to ONLY the CDC, as well as a paragraph about how I feel I fit that criteria for each point the DSM-5 makes.

F.A.Q.: This includes Questions I got asked a lot while making it, such as "Isn't that just Anxiety?" and "Wouldn't you have been diagnosed earlier?"

Notes: This took me 4 months to complete! Its 28 pages, all handwritten, and I plan to give it to my doctor when I go in for a phyc evaluation tomorrow!

[jesse-is-inarguably-purple]

i did a massive nerd thing to celebrate the nona release. anyways. have a graph of gideons in harrow. insert obligatory sex joke here

[keysimash]

Edgy poetry time. Tw for mentions of dead parents and self harm and cocaine lololol. Also don't worry about me, I've actually had a good day today this is just. From the past month

My family insists there is something wrong with me.

Ironic, considering they don't soften their words to match.

I am told I never do what is asked of me. I am told there is nothing broken here. I am told I am too quiet. I am told to kill myself.

"I am not autistic," I explain for the umpteenth time. "My therapist says so."

Not that I would shame a diagnosis. It would be convenient, wouldn't it? A nice little label: [REDACTED] is just Like That. I would wear it proudly. If my family is normal I don't want to be normal.

I retreat into my mother's quilts when disturbed. I curl away from a sharp tongue because I know if I allow it to cut me I will cut myself. Could you blame me? Would the the normal response be to sit and take it? Is it not human instinct to jerk away from a hot stove, heated words?

"It's very easy to make [REDACTED] feel like that," She explains to my sibling through thin walls

but she never apologized.

I take online quizzes and they say I am typical.

"I thought your father had autism," She says to me. I shake my head -- my father is dead, my mother is dead. There is no way to know now. "I thought so because you'd go on the swing for hours, that the motion was soothing you."

I broke the first swing, then the second one. Twice I returned in tears, bleeding. I bandaged my own wounds. My mother is dead. My father is dead.

I take online quizzes and they say I am typical.

"Do you like things a certain way?" My sibling asks. What an incredibly vague question, I tell them. I've taken to pacing in place of the swings, so long my long legs hurt. My feet get tan lines that match my flip flops.

"Are you counting your steps, or the number of times you go in a circle?" She asks me. I shake my head after removing an earbud. I am counting nothing. I am making worlds.

When I'm indoors I walk as if I'm wearing high heels, though my feet are bare. The thought of my steps being heard through the house -- well, the ache is better than being an inconvenience. I listen to music so loud so long that I start to go deaf.

Here are my parents: my phone and my bed. Wire Mother, Cloth Mother, meet Nobody. Nobody, thanks for coming over. I'll make you a cup of tea. I am the only one who cooks, after all. Nobody likes tea and I like tea.

Her brother talks to me for an hour and decides I am indeed autistic. I wasn't aware he was looking for it until my sibling tells me:

"So that's why you're obsessed with kid's stuff."

I watch these things because they are mirrors, I do not tell them. I sit down and write small novels that I can never earn a cent on because the characters are not mine. I make them resemble myself and watch the likes and comments roll in and get a hit every time.

Freud would have a field day, with the things that I write. I could hand him my phone, and after the subsequent amazement and tutorials, he would nod sagely and tell me I'm deep in the clutches of Thanatos.

If we did a line -- to celebrate his sudden revival, of course -- it would have to be off a stripper's back. I would press my face to her skin as I inhaled. Warm flesh touch would get me higher than anything else.

My teacher called you a crack addict in twelfth grade, I would tell him, wiping my nose, but I liked the stuff you said about penis enby -- I mean envy. They call that one a Freudian slip, let me google it for you.

My search history would be a case study in and of itself.

I take online quizzes and they say I am typical.

"I'm not autistic," I explain when my sibling makes another joke, and I hear Her scoff.

Perhaps you could be a psychologist, then! You could take the place of Harry Harlow,

and say that the rhesus monkeys must be clawing their eyes out

because you got a bad batch.

[itakecareofsickpeople]

Why Do I Hate Ivermectin?

I was asked to do an article on ivermectin and I feel that it is important to understand the science behind ivermectin (and HCQ).  I think if you know the science, you will be as skeptical as I am.

I was once being quizzed by an Attending Physician when I was a resident.  I stuttered as I was answering and said, “I think…”  He stopped me mid-sentence and said, “Son, you are a second year internal medicine resident, I don’t give a shit what you think.  What do you know?”

You see, it really isn’t relevant to all of you what I think. You aren’t interested in my opinion.   You are reading this post because you are interested in what I know.  I don’t take anything at face value and I always read all of the studies that people are using as a reference to prove a point. The thing is, most “studies” aren’t worth the paper they are printed on and don’t actually “study” anything.  Worst thing is, sometimes it’s a fake.  

We all know about the faked anti-vaccine trial by Andrew Wakefield, the completely discredited, former doctor, who started the anti-vaccine movement by faking data on autism and vaccines. In case you didn’t, he faked the original anti-vaccine study and In 2010, the British General medical council found that Wakefield “had been dishonest in his research, had acted against his patients' best interests and mistreated developmentally delayed children.”  That’s right anti-vaxxers. That’s your start, one giant lie. 

I have read all of the studies that I will make reference to in this post and regrettably, every study I can find on ivermectin. As of now, I do not see any evidence that supports the use of ivermectin for Covid in humans outside of a clinical trial. Hey! That’s what the cdc says too….odd. 

In general, American doctors are snobby.  We want studies from Europe, Israel, Australia, Canada and the good ole USA.  We don’t want studies from countries with dictatorships or totalitarian regimes.  These countries have a long track record of producing fake studies and bad studies.  Countries such as China, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Brazil, Venezuela, etc.  You know, the same governments that hack us and steel info from us, those ones.  It is in their governments interest to make all of their people think they have a treatment for covid, otherwise there would be revolts.  American doctors generally would never consider a study from Egypt as high quality, unless it was published in a very well respected journal.  There just isn’t any quality control.

The science behind HCQ is basically the same, except with ivermectin, a large clinical trial showing it helped, was all fake.  HCQ just didn’t work.  Lots of us used HCQ at the beginning of covid until real studies were done showing it didn’t work and may actually worsen outcomes.

Remember, most drugs are safe in normal doses, but toxic in doses outside of the “therapeutic window” that is the dose that both will have the desired effect, but also is safe and well tolerated.  Too little drug, it doesn’t work, too much drug, it causes toxicity. 

First, It is very important to test all drugs that are easily available for activity in covid.  This starts in a test tube. Ivermectin was approved in 1996 for the treatment of  strongyloides and hookworms.  In animal studies, it is lethal in overdose and causes toxicity at 10x the approved dose.  It also was found to be a teratogen (birth defects) and is not approved for use in pregnant women.  Otherwise, it is quite safe and effective in comparison to approved treatments of the time and was approved after being studied in about 1700 patients (half given ivermectin, half given old treatments).  It is widely available and is pretty safe (Except in pregnancy).

Ivermectin was found to have in vitro (test tube) activity against the SARS COV2 virus.  I know that sounds great, but remember what we said about the therapeutic window. It was shown, in the test tube, to inhibit activity of covid by 50% at a concentration of 2 μM (1,750 ng/mL), which is > 35× higher than the maximum plasma concentration (Cmax) of 0.05 µM (46.6 ng/mL) after oral administration of the approved dose (~ 200 μg/kg) and ivermectin showed little to no activity at 1 μM in vitro. 

Wait, so that means you would need 35 times the approved dose to inhibit covid and ivermectin is toxic at 10x the dose.  It also causes birth defects?  Count me out.

As you might imagine, based on this knowledge it is very hard for me to believe that you can safely dosed ivermectin could have any benefit for covid.  Now, on to the bad studies. 

Remember what I said about studies from certain countries?  

In November, an article from Egypt was published without review in an online site called Research Square.  Never heard of it? Me either?  It showed a 99% reduction in mortality.  Holy crap, that’s amazing, right?  Of course.  Despite it having such a completely unrealistic outcome, many doctors picked this up and ran with it.  In America, a group of doctors that named themselves the FLCCC, led by two guys named Paul Marik and Pierre Kory, latched on to this and started spouting its effects. I personally have a lot knowledge and not a lot of respect for Marik’s work predating covid. His FLCCC “treatment guidelines” have never been evidence based and in general he has never been able to publish studies that prove his claims.

So after this first study from Egypt comes out, a bunch of studies follow and are picked up by Marik’s group.  They did a “review” of them and included the Egyptian study. Most of the studies aren’t even reviewed and are published online as “preprint.” They are from Egypt, India, Iraq, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Peru, Nigeria, Mexico, and Argentina.  None of these places are exactly known for being in the 1st world and none of the other studies showed the massive effect as the Egyptian study.  

Then, a medical student in the UK is assigned the Egyptian study for a report. He actually reads the study.  It doesn’t make sense.  He then requests more information from the authors and they sent him the “patient data.”  It was clearly faked and he got some journalists involved.  After they involved an expert on faked studies, the study was then taken down from Research Square over “ethical concerns.”  Too bad Marik didn’t bother to do what the med student did.

Unfortunately, this has led to a massive amount of confusion.  If you think that there is a treatment for covid, you might not take the vaccine.  Even If it worked, we would be taking about a minimal effect.   Heck, it could even be toxic if you give it to that many people.  The other big problem is we have to do a bunch of American studies to see if it does work.  Studies that could have been done with another treatment.  What a waste of time and lives. 

So why do I hate ivermectin?  Well, I don’t.  I hate the waste of time I have spent writing this article to discuss a drug that could only be effective for covid if you took enough to kill you.  I hate the people that faked the study, they have cost lives.  I don’t hate Marik, but I definitely think he is crazy and I’m not interested in what he thinks and that isn’t new.  Unfortunately he has a big microphone and I just have this little one.

My biggest recommendation is ask your doctor if you should have the vaccine.  If you trust YOUR doctor, listen to HIM or HER.  Not some YAHOO online like ME. Remember, you trust your doctors to take care of your babies, born and unborn, cut you open, give us anesthesia and put cameras in all our holes. You trust them to help you make major medical decisions about your life. Keep doing that, they care about you. We care about you. 

Please, don’t post any articles in support of ivermectin. I read them and found them lacking. Also, don’t post another doctors opinion of ivermectin. I don’t care what they think, just what they know.

PS: I am a Critical Care Pulmonologist, I take care of sick people. Hopefully that won’t be you.

Oh yeah. Feel free to share. I should really charge for these.

[gayforsocialjustice]

Hey! Just wondering, but didn't you used to say you had autism?

hey, anon! this is something kind of close to me and it’s very personal to a lot of others here as well, so i’ll do my best to explain what’s happening there. 

i did used to say i had autism, but that was a self-diagnosis. i took a zillion quizzes online and i had done tons and tons of research, and i was certain i had it! however, the more i’ve learned about mental health and autism in particular, the more i’ve had to reconsider that notion as it relates to myself. 

a self-diagnosis does nothing for me. i’m not a doctor, and i can’t prescribe myself any treatments and therapies that a real diagnosis would give. by self-diagnosing and touting that i have autism, all i’m doing is invalidating the struggles of all those who actually are diagnosed. i mean, i don’t even know if i have it! why should i have a right to spaces for people who actually do know and have to struggle with the issues associated with a real diagnosis? 

the symptoms of autism are easily exaggerated in one’s own mind, or maybe that’s just me. i have anxiety, and that i do know for sure. i tend to think of myself as really socially awkward, probably more than i actually am, and that’s essentially all those quizzes online ask you about: how you interact with other people. because of my anxiety, i get kinda scared that i have everything. every symptom i see, my brain tries to tell me i have it. so, i honestly don’t even think i’m qualified to judge my own symptoms when they’re suggested like that. and to be honest? just to say “oh, i’m socially awkward, i must be autistic!” seems kinda ableist to me.

i don’t know about everyone else’s experience, and i guess i can see how a self-dx might help someone understand themself without actually planning to do anything about it, and it might help if that’s not someone’s end game. but it’s just not for me.

[pigeonacademic]

His parents were ableist, I agree with the other anon. I'm self dxed with mental illnesses, and nobody who self dx'es is harmful to ANYONE solely because we self dx, we're just trying to figure ourselves out. He should have been listened to by his parents, but self dx has NOTHING to do with it .

Actually YES IT DOES!!You want to know WHY self diagnosis has everything to do with it??

It all started when people started to learn more about mental illnesses and became accepting that they DID exist for the most part. Yeah, you got those idiots who didn’t know much and were ableist, BUT most of the time people took mental illnesses SERIOUSLY. 

Then somehow by some fucking way, people were self-diagnosing themselves with depression to be edgy, and using that as an excuse for why they can’t do shit all the time and I mean a LOT of people started doing it.

Next up was Bipolar Disorder, also taken up by self-diagnosers who used it as an excuse to be cunts to people and going “Don’t blame me blame my bipolar disorder!” 

Then we have Autism, which seemed ‘cool and quirky’ and people use that as an excuse for pulling stupid shit. 

It’s gotten to where there are now DISGUSTING HOW-TOS ON HOW TO FAKE THOSE DISORDERS. All these people self diagnosed themselves.

You know what really fucking sucks about self diagnosis? THE FACT YOU GUYS ARE GIVING BAD STEREOTYPES TO MENTAL ILLNESSES.

Yeah, sometimes depression can lead to self harm, but I knew a girl who cut just so she LOOKED like she had depression and another bastard used fake scars on his arms because he was at least sensible enough to not cut open his own skin, BUT he still faked self harm to make it look more ‘convincing’ that he had depression. 

Not only that, but self diagnosed bipolar people use their ‘bipolar’ as an excuse to be moody shits for no reason and to get really angry at people and even hit them, then blame it entirely on the mental illness.

Self diagnosed depression people use their ‘depression’ as an excuse to be lazy and whiny and say its all because of their depression.

Self diagnosed autistic people use their so-called ‘autism’ as an excuse to throw fits and not socialize with people, and use it as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. 

Do you see a pattern here? Well, in case you don’t, let me tell you:These people have taken some symptoms of a mental disorder and blow them up to a cartoonish exaggeration, and contrary to what you and other self diagnosers may think, THAT DAMAGES EVERYONE’S VIEW OF MENTAL CONDITIONS AND THOSE AWFUL, AWFUL STEREOTYPES OF BEING BRATTY, LAZY, BITCHY, VIOLENT AND WHINY GET SLAPPED ON AND THEY STICK. 

THAT is harming people! It’s gotten to where people would rather have a DEAD child than an autistic one!!

Not only that but you people give the WRONG idea of how mental illness is, which makes other people believe that between a self diagnosed person with depression and a person who was PROFESSIONALLY diagnosed with depression, they’re going to believe the self diagnoser more than the professionally diagnosed one since ITS THE MORE COMMON ‘FORM’ THAT THEY’RE USED TO SEEING. 

One of my old friends at the high school was MOCKED because of her saying she had depression, when she was PROFESSIONALLY diagnosed and had to take antidepressants for it, People thought she self diagnosed herself, because she ‘wasn’t sad all the time’ and ‘didn’t self harm’.

IT GOT TO WHERE SHE GOT HOSPITALIZED BECAUSE SHE WAS BULLIED SO BADLY SHE TRIED TO KILL HERSELF WITH AN OVERDOSE. 

Don’t you DARE tell me that self diagnosis isn’t bad or harmful!!

Also, since when is slapping a name onto something ACTUALLY MAKE IT THE CORRECT DIAGNOSIS?? You guys are usually MISDIAGNOSING yourself, because not everything you read online is true and you probably took one of those “What Mental Illness Do You Have?” Quotev quizzes and figured that ‘OMG A QUIZ SAID I HAD SOMETHING SO I TOTALLLLLY MUST HAVE IT!”

Instead of being abliest and calling whatever you’re supposedly dealing with a specific name, call it an ISSUE, IT WORKED BLOODY WELL FOR ME WHEN I WAS STRUGGLING WITH MINE. 

Whenever people asked me what was wrong with how I was BEFORE I was diagnosed, I told them that I had some issues. When some asked me what I meant by that OR what I had, I told them that I hadn’t been to the doctor yet but I KNOW something is up with me. 

That got me through pretty damn well until I could get a doctor!SELF DIAGNOSIS IS ABLEIST TO PEOPLE WITH ACTUAL CONDITIONS!!Grow up and move on.