#it didn't occur to me it could trigger light-sensitivity

[inkary]

Szeras really went: "watch your language, you little shit" <3

[nochd]

Naturism as social justice

← Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Part 4: Disability (neurodivergence)

This is where the issue touches me personally. I am autistic, and among other things that means I have sensitivities that other people don't. I feel food moving around inside me, I need more anaesthetic than dentists expect, and I have what's called "tactile defensiveness", where light touches to my skin are irritating and uncomfortable. And that includes clothing. All clothing, with the sole exception of hats.

The problem is mild (but never zero) when it's cool; in the winter, I prefer clothes to the cold. When it gets warmer and I start sweating, the discomfort gets very bad very quickly.

This means I can't stand exercising with clothes on. I know perfectly well what not exercising does to my life expectancy and general health, but the feeling is unbearable.

How bad could it be, you ask? Imagine everything you're wearing next to the skin is made of sewn-together burlap sacks, and you're trapped in a slow-cooker.

Notwithstanding the origin of the word "gymnasium", I doubt that nudity is going to fly in any gym in town for more than about thirty seconds. Any physiotherapist would suggest swimming as a solution; trouble is, wet swimming-togs are worst of all. They cross the pain threshold. They feel like knives.

There's a Catch-22 for neurodivergent people when it comes to talking about sensitivities. If you do it often, you're just a whiner and your complaints are dismissed. If you don't do it often, well, it can't be that bad if you didn't say anything before, can it? -- and your complaints are dismissed.

The trick is to find the middle ground where your complaints are dismissed for both reasons at once.

I have exactly two options for dealing with this sensitivity, which are (1) naturism, and (2) shut up complaining about it no-one cares.

As far as what good it does me, any proposed solution which does not allow me to practise naturism amounts to "shut up complaining about it no-one cares." I'm sure people mean well when they express their sympathy, but it's exactly as much help to me as "shut up complaining about it no-one cares."

(Which doesn't mean I think any the worse of you, if that's your primary concern. "Shut up complaining about it no-one cares" is society's default response to autistic sensory issues. At least it's better than "I'm going to trigger you on purpose to teach you not to be a pussy.")

There's this one particular beach in my home town that I go to for nude walks. (There was a time when I was in a naturist walking group, but that's long past now.) It's not an official nude beach because New Zealand doesn't have any because technically there is no law specifically banning public nudity for them to be exceptions to.

What there is is a law against "offensive behaviour", and where and when nudity counts as "offensive behaviour" is complicatedly context-dependent.

(There's also a law, with more serious penalties, against "indecent exposure", but public nudity alone hasn't been the legal definition of "indecent exposure" in New Zealand for over forty years. Since 1981 it must also be "obscene", i.e. done to harass people. Surprisingly few people know that.)

There are thirty years of legal precedent saying beach nudity is not offensive behaviour -- on a beach where it's common practice or can be expected to occur.

This is one of those. Currently. Occasionally. It's had quite a few naturist visitors while I've been going there, but no regulars except me.

Most people ignore me; some are friendly; there have been a handful that were hostile. There's been one particular guy, recently, who kept hanging around where I was. I don't mean like chilling on the beach, I mean he kept kind of walking around and walking past me, making sure I knew he was there.

I came back after my beach walk to my stash of stuff to find the messages "No nudists!" and "Cover up cunt" written in the sand nearby.

(I wrote a reply saying "See you in court: Police v. Ceramalus 1991", referring to the court case that proved nudity on a beach is not an offence in New Zealand. But, well, I wasn't getting the vibe that he was threatening legal action.)

There is no other beach that is both clothing-optional by established custom and within reach of public transport from where I live. And I take care to go during school hours so I don't run into kids. And I stay out of people's way and, apart from my walk, I try and stay at the less-populated end where you get about one passer-by per hour on a weekday. And that's apparently not good enough.

Yes, I know. This world has other people in it besides me. I can't ask society to rearrange itself for my sake. I can't expect an entire culture to suddenly overturn all the associations and meanings it puts on the human body, all in a day.

Naturist organizations have to vet new people very carefully to make sure they're not going to behave inappropriately, which just goes to show society at large isn't ready to turn naturist just yet.

All of that is true and none of it is unreasonable. But the consequence of all this reasonableness is that my needs as a neurodivergent person will always come last.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.

Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.

(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!

BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.

If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.

SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!

Anyway.

SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*

As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**

But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):

refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming

dishwasher/washing machine noises

ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise

faint sounds of traffic

riding in a car

other people having a normal conversation in the background

someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice

Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!

Sorta.

There are sorta some solutions.

They are imperfect, but they help.

TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.

So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.

Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.

MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.

With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:

Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.

Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.

(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)

Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).

Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.

Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.

Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.

White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response

Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.

Oh, and also they play music I guess?

Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.

Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).

There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.

Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There’s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.

(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)

So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.

Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.

*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)

**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.

***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)

bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).

(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)

Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”

except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath

(i have issues with noise)

so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal

k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones

[anthrogothic]

Body/Prision

so, here we go to the second part of the fic. ours has been exciting to write this. I hope you like it <3 (originally written in Brazilian Portuguese. sorry for any error).

Third part here

Pairing: Echo x f!Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: Mentions of trauma, anxiety, panic, a little violence but nothing much and ~some physical mentions~ (and echo being a baby who needs care)

Heading towards the lab, you went through documents and reports on your datapad connected to the data network, finding the files of your newly known atypical clones, seeing that there were still three to meet in person.

One of them, with a rather traumatic past in your opinion. Another look like someone who is difficult to deal with. And lastly, one similar to your fellow nerds from college. Already imagining your scientific conversations.

You find your sweet auxiliary Omega standing at the door of the lab. She is also a clone, young and adorable. With short hair, the same color as the sun (if you remember the last time you saw one).

But with Jango Fett's pure DNA in her cells. Only you and Nala know this. Your conscience always brings you that painful twinge whenever the memory occurs to you.

"Y/N! I was looking for you!"

The girl came running towards you, with a scared face, taking your right hand and pulling you with her.

"Hey Omega, Stars, what's up?"

You almost shuffled your legs trying not to fall.

"I've been sent to help with clone ratings today! But Echo is very upset and I can't get him to calm down!"

Before you could ask for further explanation, you were already being dragged to the door of the room.

Stopping at the door, Omega pushed you inside when you spotted the trembling clone sitting with his back to the door, on top of the gurney, aiming his blaster at the three doctors ahead.

"Echo! I found her!"

The girl's voice was a mixture of relief and determination. The other three doctors in the room are clearly pissed off, hands up in front of the clone.

"Y/N isn't even a doctor, Omega!"

He yelled one of them, straightening and clasping his hands at his sides.

"You should have brought security!" yelled the other.

"She'll do it! She is better than you all!"

Screamed the little girl, pointing a finger at the three. You put a hand on her shoulder, signaling her to calm down. Gently you addressed the clone, froze as he stared into your eyes.

It was him… that clone whose record you were horrified to read. He was pale. With metallic accesses on his shaved head, a cybernetic prosthesis that covered his ears, his right forearm also cybernetic and thinner than most strong clones you know. Only the legs, also robotic, were covered by his blacks. His eyes were frightened and his limbs locked together at his sides, his good hand, shaking, still holding the blaster.

"A-Are you Doctor Y/N?"

His voice was deep, shaky and fraught with anxiety.

You, already with your heart sinking at his state, approached slowly, removing your white jumpsuit and leaving it on a small metal table nearby, catching the clone's attention with your tight black outfit.

"Yes… Echo, right? I assume you have a panic attack due to your accident… you shouldn't be brought into environments like this."

Your voice was calm and sweet. Looking at doctors with dislike in your last words. Echo looked away, clearly uncomfortable. The hand that was armed, wavering, and your hand slowly landing on top of the blaster, lowering it slowly, the clone giving way.

Suddenly one of the already impatient doctors approached abruptly and grabbed your shoulder from behind you.

"Let's go! We don't have time for theaters! Sedation didn't work this time, but nothing a dose would not do well on rebel clones!"

Spotting the syringe the doctor was pulling out of his lab coat, Omega jumped on his arm as she screamed. You turned, startled, seeing the fist that the doctor was already closing to hit the girl. In a rush of adrenaline, you punched him in the nose, he staggered backward, and Omega took the syringe from his hand. The other two came to help the doctor, who pushed them away claiming he was fine, looking at you with hate.

"You're in big trouble, girl! And you too, stuck-up scientist!"

His voice really was scary. But suddenly, Echo's voice came from behind you like thunder.

"Do something with them, and you'll have to come to terms with me and my squad."

His voice, full of hate and gravelly. His arm trembled as he aimed the blaster at the doctor, finger on the trigger.

"Not to mention the possible murder he was going to cause with so much sedative in a clone with a body not yet fully mapped to know the consequences."

Snorted Omega right beside you, all proud with the syringe in her hand.

"Uh, Nala Se will love to hear that."

You said, crossing your arms and looking at the doctor in defiance.

The attacking doctor flinched, growling as he left the room. The other two fearful:

"Please, it's our first week here. Don't hand us over to Nala Se. We just obey orders."

Begged one of the doctors, this one was much younger than the aggressor, probably doing residency with another colleague.

"Withdraw then. And let the rest of the team know the behavior of that bantha in the lab coat! He doesn't deserve to be your supervisor. He is the one who has to be supervised!"

Your voice was authoritative and even. All that remained was for the men to nod and leave the room.

Echo threw himself onto the gurney, breathing wildly and running a hand across his forehead. You stopped in front of the clone and slowly sat down beside him on the stretcher. Instructing him to take a few deep breaths, then slowly exhale for a few more, repeatedly. Echo tried to follow your directions, faltering a few times but picking up his pace eventually.

"There is! We make an amazing team! I told you, Echo!"

Omega's voice trying to bring relief to the tense environment. She continued.

"Y/N is the best! She will be nice to you!"

You, realizing the responsibility that Omega gave you, nodded with the girl's words.

"Well… I'm not exactly a doctor, as we've heard… but I know enough. You can trust me, Echo."

The clone looked at you with less awe, bearing in mind what you did.

"I- I feared that I would go through the physical evaluations again. I know they are mandatory, but... they remind me of the Citadel..."

His gaze roamed the metalized room, filled with stretchers, huge equipment, and light panels.

The doctors just didn't care and sedated him whenever it became impossible to assess him. Putting gadgets into his body, pushing him into big gadgets and treating his cybernetics like pieces of scrap metal.

"I don't want to be a problem again... I know I have obligations as a soldier, but I can't be okay here!"

He squeezed the biceps of his other arm with his hand, trying to stay in control as he felt a new wave of anxiety.

You gently placed your hand on his back, feeling him recoil involuntarily.

"Unfortunately it's standard procedure… but if you promise me secrecy, we can only do the basic assessment, and it could be in your room, a theoretically cozy place for you. I can do that from now on if you want."

Echo sighed, relieved at the option before looking at you again. His expression is lighter. Omega already excited to see her clone brother a little more relaxed. You smiled and calmly guided him to the dorm.

All the way the three of you were shot with stares and comments. You scolding each one with your furious glare, Omega stuck out his tongue at the attackers, while Echo lowered his head every time. His tall stature, allowing you to see his depressed expression from below.

Omega opened the door as you arrived soon after, still next to Echo. Omega pointed to the bunk and you asked permission to sit, Echo, growing more and more stunned by your sweet attitude toward him, nodded.

Placing the small silver suitcase you brought along on the floor, you took Echo by the hand, inviting him to sit beside you.

You asked permission with each movement and touch the soldier's body, trying to be gentle, as if his body were the most sensitive of porcelain. You were curious about his cybernetics, but you chose not to bring it up.

Omega was sitting by your suitcase, legs crossed on the floor, handing out all the little devices you needed to gauge the clone's basic physical parameters, but never looking away from him.

You explained what you were doing and why, warned of any movement or approach of the small devices and their purpose. Echo just nodded, getting a lot more confident in you.

You can't help but notice the tight, visible muscles. The heat radiating from the clone's body. The sharp, attractive shape of his body in that tight black outfit. Feeling the slight reactions whenever your fingertips touched him. The shy look he gave you.

Omega looked uncomfortable, pacing back and forth when you were wearing the last device on Echo's body, checking his heart function.

"Omega, what is it?"

Echo said low but firm, surprising you by the contrast to the voice that trembled earlier.

"I lied to Nala Se, saying that I went to get more supplies with Y/N, that it would take her time to get to the lab, so I could take her to you. If the confusion gets to her ears, she'll find out."

Omega ran her hand constantly over the back of her neck and through hair, the little eyes fearful.

You widened your eyes at the girl, remembering that you was requested earlier and for her boldness with the doctor (as if you didn't know her). Already trying to devise a plan to cover up the improvised procedure with Echo.

"Hm... I can talk to some clone friends to claim that we left Kamino for a few hours… I don't want Nala Se mad at us. And about the fight, well, we just defended ourselves."

You said with a smug smile on your full lips, forgetting your hand resting on Echo's covered chest, your hand already warming the spot. He watched your hand standing there, your skin seemingly smooth, the fingers small and delicate, rising and falling with his breath and causing a strange sensation deep in his racing heart.

The way you welcomed him and tried to keep him safe. You defended him. Just like your brothers before it all happened. He hadn't experienced this in a long time. But like a knife, he slashed his thoughts and threw them aside. He no longer allowed himself to wander through such things, after all, what kind of relationship could he have, being like that.

He came back to consciousness with your movement, withdrawing you hand and standing up, Omega already picking up the small suitcase from the floor.

"A-Are we done yet?"

A slight disappointment was clear in the clone's voice. You crouched down between his spread thighs, looking him in the eye, giving the clone's eyes access to your light cleavage and your silvery cord that went between your breasts.

"We've finished the basics, Echo. You are strong and healthy. I'll be back to do the rest tomorrow, after my shift, if you're comfortable."

Your eyes were like adorable little twinkling stars. So comforting and sincere, just like you, all the time with him. He nodded, a slight smile breaking his pale lips, bringing a slight, sweet swell to his heart.

You stood up, carefully taking the clone's hand, pulling a pen out of your pinned hair, and jotting down your personal communicator code in the palm of his hand.

"Let me know anything, Echo. Drink water and do the breathing exercises before going to bed."

Smiling, you turned around, heading for the door, being caught up by Omega just after she gave your brother a hug. The door closed as you remembered to scold the brave little girl for her attitude earlier.

Echo was left alone. Only with the sound of his heart pounding in his ears in the dim light in the room. The raindrops hitting the glass.

He put his hand where yours was moments ago, reading your code by pulling his palm away from his chest. He was calm. Something impossible after days of evaluations.

But beyond that, he felt real, alive, and eager to see you the next day, as much as his guts and gears wanted to say otherwise.

[nikkifilm]

Batch '81 (1982) & Kakabakaba Ka Ba? (1980), dir. Mike de Leon

In just the first part of the film of Batch '81, it's no doubt that it is best categorized under the cheated expectation, but certainly not in a bad way. From the title itself, the scoring, down to its first sequence, it suggests to be more light and a bit dramatic, probably revolving around a story of a student who flunks in his class, thus being the black sheep, yet somehow makes a stand that school isn't about getting high grades in every class but learning outside the campus — that's how I thought it would go. Apparently, it turned out to be about joining a fraternity. Little did anyone, or at least I, know that the alternative title “AKO” didn't mean oneself, but rather an acronym for a fraternity called Alpha Kappa Omega. That's how all my expectations for this film drastically changed. Although the main character, Sid Lucero, had a very masculine build and a “bad boy” impression, it never occurred to me that he was going to join a fraternity. At first, I denied that it was going to be the main plot of the movie. I couldn't accept the fact that my expectations weren't met and that it was all heading towards a different direction, but as I kept watching, I forgot about everything I was trying to expect out of the plot and just continued watching. I happen to grow more genuinely hooked and intrigued of the movie by the conventions showed in it.

In Kakabakaba Ka Ba, it tackles more on the dark side of Japan (and China), how they use the Philippines to import and sell off drugs. It's something that is sensitive nowadays, but it discusses more of that in this film. The characters are normal people in the Philippines, typical of those group of friends that hang out and have fun in life, but little did they know, they got themselves involved into something big, which is about the cassette tape containing drugs. It's where the story pretty much start and begin to gradually unfold as they move.

In terms of technicality or the stylistic form of Batch '81, there's honestly not much to commend since cinema have improved and expanded now compared to the generation it's from, but objectively speaking, the way the entire film was shot and edited gives you that dark and hopeless feeling about it, especially since for the most part, especially during the initiation scenes, it really comes off as terrifying and at the same time, realistic. You'd feel as if you're part of the film, that you feel every situation the characters are in, and how the scenes that show violence really do seem realistic and somehow, you feel that too. Whenever a scene is painful, you have tendencies to flinch as well. That's how realistic it is. Narrative wise, Batch '81 definitely excels as the message behind the film really speaks to the people, and it sparks discussions about how other people interpret what the film wants to address. These small qualities and impact from the film says a lot about how it was narratively commendable.

As for Kakabakaba Ka Ba, it's more of a stylistic than narrative film as it had more effects and different color grading. Of all the classical films I have watched, this one is by far the most visually appealing film that is not only limited to editing, but also with their settings and props. It was such a creative and genuinely beautiful masterpiece and you've got to love the film for it. I really love the editing as well, especially on the part where they portrayed them being high on drugs. It was really surreal and dream-like, and I was pretty impressed by that and actually got me wondering how they were able to achieve that. The musical scenes are what gets me, it's my first time to be able to watch a musical-comedy, not to mention a local one, and I've got to admit that I had low expectations from it but this one really exceeded that much more. I was shocked but at the same time impressed and fascinated that they were able to achieve such a great performance. It was full-on, from the scoring, props, performance, and transitions. Everything was great and all so entertaining to watch. I genuinely liked it and would really watch it again. Narratively, it's great but more on cliche as it revolved around a chase type of story and it all clashes down in the end. It's quite common, which is why I find it a bit dull, but the thrill is still there and makes you root for what will happen next.

Considering the conventions showed in Batch '81, it really does make you feel something. There's that roller coaster ride of emotions that fluctuates throughout the entirety of the film which what at least I commend as yet another great film. It's hard to make people laugh when you're doing a comedy film, like how hard it is making people cry when doing a drama. But this film doesn't merely sticks to its genre or lets it determine how it should make you feel. It does not only achieve its goal by trying to evoke the wanted emotion from its audience but also exceeds it by making you feel all sorts of emotions — from horrified, disgusted, and angry, it just hits you a wave of sadness, despair, and even playful to some extent. Although these aren't as drastically changing emotions as they are mostly similar, they are different from each other that it varies from scene to scene. Usually, films that have students as main characters would focus more on the traditional way of showing a typical college student's life and all that. However, this film took a different turn by focusing on fraternities within universities. Although it does also tell that fraternities may have been popular during the 80's, it's still non-conventional in a way that they showed the reality behind the initiations held between fraternities. This came off as a message to the viewers, than just portraying what the general audience think of when we talk about fraternities. It makes you really feel for the characters in the film regardless if the viewer had actually experienced being initiated or part of a fraternity or if they just had a similar experience with abuse and humiliation. It gives the viewers a fresher perspective than what is always conceived traditionally. Typically, anyone who weren't able to relate to the characters or the film in general wouldn't spend time or even bother watching the whole film, but this was an exception to that barrier. It speaks to the audience, as humans, that it does affect us emotionally and mentally in a way that makes you think: it's possible that this might have or will have happened in real life. Which what always triggers that fear, intrigue, and contemplating among viewers.

For Kakabakaba Ka Ba, I didn't know what to expect as it seemed odd to me. How it's a comedy-musical film that has that title but having drugs as the main context of the film. It all doesn't add up to me at first that's why I didn't know what to expect. I was weirded out at first, but as I kept watching, it gradually faded away and became more hooked and pretty much had a good laugh and enjoyed the entire movie.

In the Auteur theory context, we see how both films had a certain impact to the viewers that would make us both feel for it in its respective genres. Like with Batch '81, you know how it's a violent and drama film, and yes it did feel that way. The violence seemed real and is affecting the viewers, same goes with the drama. When you see a person being hurt or tortured, you somewhat sympathize for that person and also feel for them. Same could be said of the other Mike de Leon film, Kakabakaba Ka Ba. You can see how it applies the same thing, how you are able to empathize with the characters and how it's as if you are part of the movie too. When the part where they're trying to hide from the Japanese and Chinese dealers makes you all thrilled and it's as if you're in it too. That's one common ground that both films have, and it goes to show how Mike de Leon wants to make his audience feel when they watch his films. It evokes the emotional aspect within people through his films to be able to spark that connection. I'd say it's pretty efficient as it does make you hooked and want to keep watching because you kind of root what happens next to the characters. For Batch '81, you root for their progress in the initiation like what will they do next, who gets eliminated, and what turn of events will happen in the end — if the main character get what he wants or if he had a change of heart. For Kakabakaba Ka Ba however, it makes you root for what mystery lies beneath this certain Japanese group of drug dealers and what's inside the cassette tape that they put in Johnny's coat that caused all that chaos. It's actually pretty comical if you come to think of it. It's something that you'd see in most animations too. It's a good way to have a story run along, it's pretty fun to watch, especially if you like watching for the purpose of having fun or just a good time. Perhaps that's what makes it a Mike de Leon film. It makes you think that maybe that is his goal, to make the audience not only watch a film, but also to be able to feel which is good. Because a good film not only relies on its technical or narrative surface, but also how emotionally attaching it is to the people and how it is relatable and understands. Some would probably say that it's shallow and doesn't really have a deeper meaning to it, but that's another thing that makes it a Mike de Leon film. You'd think that it has nothing to do with reality or anything that is happening in real life, but it does. It's not directly put, but it's there. It speaks about the recent social issues the country is facing that time, and what has been prominent back then in the early 80's was the Martial Law and Marcos. There are a few scenes that had portrayed it, how people were killed when they try to speak about Martial Law, and how people are put to jail without even further reasoning or explanation. It's all but subtle, but when you know it, it really makes you think and then it dwells on you. It's there until you finish the film. That's what makes yet another reason as to why it's a Mike de Leon film. It makes you feel and at the same time, think.

Two particular and prominent social issues that can be seen in Batch '81 is the violence and abuse surrounding fraternities and the concept of toxic masculinity. It's a norm within universities in this certain period of time to have fraternities. What made it become a social issue is the violence that's supposed to make you disciplined that turn into abuse and questioning of morality. Another is that the concept of joining one means to get social gain and "protection" yet didn't turn out to be exactly like it. To me, it seemed obscure and pretty much shallow, but I suppose it does speak about how it used to be back then. Today, fraternities have become something that is not morally accepted and the society have prioritized the well-being and rights of a human being which contradicts what is being shown on the film. Although despite the differences in morals from said generations, the portrayal of this social issue is relevant, especially on the part where one of the members die during a conflict within the different fraternity. It's something that speaks even to up to this current generation. With regards to the concept of toxic masculinity, it is seen through the character of Sid Lucero, who wants to be tough and all to join a fraternity. He wants this social gain, because it's how men are supposed to be. The way they also have to endure everything they go through during the initiation rights is also what builds that toxicity, because it's implied that when you can't take it, you're not brave enough to be part of the fraternity. The concept of this brotherhood is what in general makes it toxic. For Kakabakaba Ka Ba, it's more of the drugs and how our country had become the market of drugs especially from other countries like Japan and China. There's nothing much deeper to tell about this than that. It all pretty much revolved on that which alone is alarming.

What I like about Batch '81 is how the characters care for each other genuinely, but except for Sid. How they step forward whenever someone is getting hurt overboard or when they are being too abused. They still have that sense of humanity and genuine care for the fellow members. For some reason it just speaks to me personally, maybe because it's something that I was rooting for with all the violence and verbal abuse that have been happening within the film. It gives off that sense of comfort that makes you think that human nature is still seen in that context. It gave a different perspective of how the fraternity works, and you'd see here how even though it is merely an initiation and you'd expect them to be selfish or mind their own goals so long as they get through what is required, you still see that side of them, that they still care for each other even if it means being against their masters. What I didn't like is how the main character didn't have a character development. What he is in the beginning is just the same him in the end. The only difference is that yes, he got what he wanted and he eventually became a master. Which is fulfilling because that is what he wanted after all, but I didn't see any changes within his character as compared to the supporting characters in the film. If I'm being honest, I liked the other characters more than the main because they had much more development in them than the main character did. All in all, there's really not much to point out anymore, but that's only a few of what I have noticed or spoke to me in this film.

On the other hand, Kakabakaba Ka Ba was a great film, considering it being a comedy-musical that tackles about a serious issue. I loved the film in general, and there wasn't much as to what I disliked about it. Besides the comedy factor in this film which I also genuinely love, II especially liked the musical part of the film. It was nothing but an excellent performance and a masterpiece if I may say. I never thought I'd like it based on my initial expectations before, but it all jot down to me liking it and there's certainly no regret on that. I wish to be able to have more productions like this in the Philippine cinema.

There aren't much to me that I wished the director did, I understand how the films are dated around years ago and there have been changes that happened in the society since then. Especially since these films are a product of the repression back then, particularly about martial law. I just wished, however, that they had given a more solid or deeper plot for both films. For Batch '81, although it is more serious and sensitive as compared to Kakabakaba Ka Ba, it lacked the bigger picture. Comedies and musicals like Kakabakaba Ka Ba however, obviously have little to none storyline but I do see how it had a progress in contrast with Batch '81. Besides the plots, I wished the characters, particular the main characters have more development within them or actually have a significance throughout the film. Nothing really against the director, but most of the time, the only memorable characters in the films are mostly the ones who aren't the main character. You'd only recognize them from their faces or physical attributes, but nothing much about their character or personality. I hope that it would've had more of that, because it kind of puts the film off.

For Batch '81, I'd have to say that I was satisfied with the ending, although I wasn't really surprised. I hoped there have been more to it, because I knew there's really something more that can be put. It did have a great closure, yes. But it really felt lacking. Maybe because it was way too direct and way much more of a gratified ending, since Sid was able to be finally a member and eventually a master. Like I said, it didn't really have much of a solid plot to it. Despite the parts where it had made me feel terrified and disturbed, it subsided with the fulfilling ending which balances it and what makes me find it somewhat enjoyable to some extent. As for Kakabakaba Ka Ba, the ending was just as enjoyable as the first few scenes, and it's also quite fascinating how they broke the fourth wall. It's as if they really just want to have fun and it's effective. You wouldn't even feel like you're watching because you're just having fun. It's more on you're there with them than just watching them.

Overall, I'd say both Mike de Leon films have won the hearts of the viewers, particularly the Filipino. It's really commendable in a way that not only will you find yourself empathizing with the characters and be able to feel as if you're part of the film, you really genuinely enjoy it because you relate to it and understand it no matter what. You don't just relate to them literally, but more of you are able to see yourself or at least one particular moment of your life that had a similarity to what is shown in the film. You both get to enjoy and feel for it, and most importantly, it leaves you a food for thought that would make you realize things too.