#it feels like smth else controlling it while im still controlling it too | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

h5eavenly · 6 months

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omg i literally sent you an ask like two hours ago thinking "well this can't get any worse now we're gonna be so up from here on" AND IT SOMEHOW GOT WORSE?????? AGAIN I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START WOAH yeji having it out for y/n over something that happened years ago and that hyune obviously got over is just soooo.. like she has so many reasons to give y/n a piece of her mind for and she chooses /this/ hill to die on?? AND not addressing her directly???? babyyyy this ain't it!! i think this is also a way of evidencing how distanced yeji and hyune have grown more than the distaste that she has towards y/n, like she doesn't know about hyune and her's connection and where they stand as much as the others do bc yeosang drove her away from them all which is so sad :-( sometimes she frustrates me a bit but i have a lot of sympathy towards yeji especially in this situation bc i know how hurtful it is to feel ostracised from your close friendships due to a toxic relationship and trying to hold on to the things you knew about them while not realising that they've changed bc you haven't been there enough to witness those changes :-( idk if this was your intention when you wrote it but it's really accurate. i know there's a lot of bad blood between yeji and y/n, now more than ever with the yeosang situation 💀 but i really do wish they can have a heart to heart sometime bc both of them have been so wronged and hurt by evil men and idk if a friendship between them is possible tbh but i feel like they can find a support system in each other even if they aren't friends. i just want my girls to be happy and i know there's a long way to go but they both deserve healing smsm :-(

now WDYM MFS RAIDED HYUNE'S HOUSE OH MY GOD????? this is y/n's fuckass father FOR SURE his ass wants to play gangster so bad HE AIN'T SHIT!!!!!!! i'm so flabbergasted i swear i never saw this coming??? i never thought that bum would ever go to this length to try to impose control on his daughter like that man's crazyyyyy. at first i thought the raid was bc of yeosang but you know that man ain't got no friends and is a coward he could never pull up like this 😭 so that's why i think it's y/n's father who's behind this bc he wants to have his godfather moment for some reason 💀 yk how weird men go crazy once they realise they can't control the women they feel entitled to so i think y/n moving out made him feel some kind of way. i can't wait for that asshole's downfall i swear i'm praying on it im going to church over it im manifesting it 🙏🏻 unless hyune is onto something that we're not aware of??? which idk im not sure about that honestly but i didn't see like half the things that ended up happening coming either so you knowww im seated, hyune and hannie living with y/n will be so cute too!! we love to see domestic hyune+y/n content we used to pray for times like this 🥹 so we might be kinda up after all maybe

thank you sm for the update so soon!! you're working overtime for this and it's sooo appreciated you deserve the world fr 🫂🩷🩷

genuinely curious what made you think "its only up from here" cus... 🫡efuhhfihw fyi anon i take my angst tag VERY seriously 🧐 some may say i'm not trust worthy but i just like being unpredictable

about the whole yeji situation it is intentional yes! im so glad you noticed its kinda hard to write such subtle things in smau without it being in your face because it's one of those things that i want ppl to notice but sometimes im like ahh idk if anyone would notice, i think for her she obviously views y/n as a rival but because she's left out (hence jinnie growing more distance ever since yeo came into her life) she tries to attack y/n with the only available card she has which is "you did smth bad to my friend" bc she doesn't know anything else and she wasn't even there when it all happened she only got snippets from the story and from jinnie's side when he was still feeling resentful towards y/n and you see the difference in this specific subject between her and lix (bc lix was there) he gets their bond sm more and it's so much easier for him to not hold it against y/n

listen y/n's dad might be a little worse than her mom idk they're competing for that title rn, ty for being so kind baby as alwayys i enjoyed reading and im sorry for talking sm i just get excited about my characters🥰🥰💞💞

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boypussydilf · 1 year

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actually i was going to save this for when i made All Grown Up Now designs for the human kids in sgt frog but idk if/when im actually gonna do that so heres jusyt my random thoughts about what some of them r doing as adults and also maybe some au/oc stuff

transfem fuyuki is SO real to me tbh. when she moved out of the hinata house keroro came with her bc theyre all time best friends and keroro deciding being with fuyuki was more important than staying w the secret base or anything like that. fuyuki lives in like a normal apartment with a convenience store job or smth like just the most average life but she also makes youtube videos where she talks abt the occult, goes over conspiracy theories & even debunks them if smth is really stupid, makes vlogs going to places that r supposed to be haunted or have been visited by aliens or whatever other supernatural thing u can think of. also talks casually in her videos abt having lived with an alien since she was 12 but obviously everyone watching just thinks that’s a running gag. she also miiiiigjt be roommates with mois? bc i think mois would want to go wherever keroro goes but i also dont know how fuyuki would feel about that. i dont know if mois can get a job to help with rent. i think that 10 years in the future mois would still be basically 13 years old.

also fuyuki is a lesbian and has a better chance of figuring out that she likes momoka now that shes got herself figured out more but she has NOT figured out that she likes momoka yet bc fuyuki is dense

transmasc natsumi, also, is so real to me. he becomes both a model and an athlete, bc tbh? i do believe in natsumi’s rights to just kind of be Good At Everything. when he moved out he was like Man! It’s so great to not have to deal with the stupid frog all the time! and then felt like everything was weird and too quiet without keroro around obviously but he is still relieved to not have to deal with shit like. oh all the curtains in the house have been turned into pudding. or whatever. that does still happen sometimes sometimes keroro comes to visit and it can go well or it can go horribly. Dating koyuki, obviously, who is the girlboy of all time and also probably still lives in the same house w dororo and hasnt changed significantly so i dont have anything else to say about him.

I haven’t been able to decide what giroro & kururu do after the hinata kids & keroro move out? Bc it feels kind of weird for them to still just kind of be there at the house when it’s just aki and a no-longer-used secret base. and omiyo i guess. But also what else are they gonna do. If kururu wanted to live w saburo they wouldve done that from the beginning so idk. Maybe giroro does just stay in his tent and kururu stays in her lab.

Some time after anime canon the keroro platoon ends up OFFICIALLY resigning from the keron army or giving up on their mission in a way they can’t go back on or Something to that effect where they’re very up front about not planning to invade instead of lying their way around it. I like to think that keroro becomes like a Space Actor and giroro gets to be a train conductor like he wants but that might be a little while away for them still. However this also means that inevitably a while after THAT keron sends in a NEW earth invasion team because theyve been trying (and failing) to take control of this planet for millions of years they’re not gonna fucking give up NOW. & the new platoon doesn’t necessarily HAVE to take any drastic moves against the keroro platoon but they should make sure the kplatoon doesn’t do anything to interfere…..

I wuz gonna design a whole platoon to be that ^ replacement platoon but i didnt get around to most of them </3 maybe someday. Anyway obviously they all have a power of friendship arc and come around to the side of NOT invading planets. except the leader.

I dont know what momoka & saburo would be doing as adults either </3 Momoka doesnt really have to do anything. shes rich. its not like she needs to take up a career or anything. Actually she probably becomes a martial artist or something? Goes into the business of kicking ass like her mom. Saburo MIGHT keep up the radio show but I think they’d get bored of that but maybe stay in a similar vein, entertainment of some sort. Oh I guess there’s art lmao. I dont know. Saburo has a tumblr blog where they post slightly overdone musings on life and nature and shit.

#basilposting #keroro 10yrs #actually i am going to maintag this whatever.#keroro fandom come get ur food unless this isnt ur type of food in which case sorry #keroro gunso

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nightmare8-420 · 2 years

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Intro

Call me J

Pronouns are he/him but they and it are fine too

I like screaming into the void known as this hellsite

somehow am still lonely while having friends

i draw and post it here sometimes

I call this an ed/sh blog but its relly just my shitty life™️ i wont ever post body checks of me or someone else. Everything that could potentially trigger someone should have a tw on it, if not lmk. I dont promote anything in my shitty life. probably not a safe space for ppl in recovery, love yall, just dont wanna trigger you

B0mblover is my writing/sometimes art blog

killmeplese34 (yes its spelled like that) is my sh blog bc worried abt being t worded

free Palestine🇵🇸

im a minor so please dont be too weird

i want to bash my head in in pavement

feel free to spam if youd like, it doesnt bother me /gen

as of feb 24 2024 im learning chinese (simplified) i might post in it, please correct me if i mess up

Dni list:

Racists

Homophobes

Transphobes

Xenophobes

ablest “people”

pedos (does that need to be said?)

conservatives (american ones specifically bc ive heard its different in other places we will not get along)

pro “life” “people”

Fbi

government in general (i will call a crack head next time bc YALL DIDNT FUCKIN SHOW UP)

Do not ask me about

•gun control (im too confused on it to have a proper stance)

•for help financially (sorry but i legit cant do jack shit about it besides reblog bro im broke af)

•real advice (i can try to help but i make things much worse)

•how i feel about Kunai Tadashi (i mean you can just it will be long)

•every illegal thing ive done (FUCK YOU FBI YOULL NEVER CATCH ME as i post my ip address)

Info

Email: [email protected]

Email2: [email protected]

Email3: (professional shitttt) [email protected]

Instagram: Insane_268_2

Discord: mocchi59

(ao3 will be hopefully added if i ever make an account)

Tags, if you need to block smth (or need an index)

•idiot ass drawing (drawing)

• j’s a bloody mess (selfharm/blood)

• j isnt suffering for once? (my infrequent high points)

• j’s crying and listening to music (music)

• j’s guchiry posting again (guchiry)

• j is down bad as fuck and doesnt know how or deal with it / really any variation of it (me being down bad for a certain someone and handing it poorly, i made the tag as a joke and just kept using it) (is private)

•cooking with j (me cooking gross shit seeing if it tastes good)

•j answers (new tag, “answering” asks)

•j watches alice in borderland tag ig (its what it sounds like.)

im mostly into

Guchiry /ぐちり

Hiiragi Kirai / 柊キライ

Alice in Borderland (only pirated dw)

And ¿?(wada shimon)

and i have severe trauma so i sometimes post about that 👍

I wish you luck

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teyuuka · 2 years

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Hey june! It's been a while since I've visited ur blog and I'm so happy ur still active! I'm sorry for the shdowban, i hope it gets fixed soon!! This ask might feel a lil personal/parasocial but i wanted to know your thoughts. Recently i split from my partner and the main reason was he had a (h)ntai addiction. Im okay w prn (obviously, I'm here lmao) but i realized too late he was into it to an unhealthy degree. ---

i'm not sure what kind of hobbies he had to get into to make content, but i believe any addiction isn't great both for one's personal well-being and a relationship. my question would be, whether you've expressed your disagreement towards his addiction.

i believe a partner is not a therapist, we're not tasked to "fix" each other. if you felt that you both can't align or are already on different pathways when it comes to how much space you let hobbies take in your life, then splitting would be a better choice.

(for example, I'd never let my interests lead me around to a level where something else is sacrificed, so I wouldn't agree with a partner who spends his entire paycheck on gacha games. But out there, there are couples who would happily blow a grand for fursuits, and that's fine!)

having said that though, I do recognise people can change, so if you feel that love your partner very deeply & you have faith that they'd change for the better, choosing to stay isn't wrong either. I would give a timeline, e.g. if I help him to change and he doesn't within X months, then I must walk away from this relationship. I think it's just fair to tell your partner about smth you're not happy about, and give your partner a chance to correct their behaviour before you decide to break up, but put a limit because their failure to develop/change after that is beyond your control. that's self-respect.

but at the same time, i think it's perfectly okay if you don't "love" him enough to want to change him, if that makes sense. I've broken up with an ex because I didn't like him enough to want to fix him, and don't want him to "change" for me (who don't love him that much to begin with). I don't think I was "wrong" for breaking up bc of that; it's a personal choice.

now, ask yourself if you had communicated your disagreement in his addiction and gave him time to amend his ways, and whether you love him enough to want to go through this hurdle with him.

I can't address your question whether you're being a prude/hypocrite—I wasn't in your relationship so i wouldn't know the degree you're talking about. But let's take out the subject here; my take is: 1) you think he has an addiction of X that is taking over his life, 2) X is also your hobby but you don't let it take over your life.

replace X with gambling, for example. if it's like your partner gambles $5000 a week and you $20 a week, then the variance here is clear: you're engaging in your hobby in a healthy manner and he doesn't. but like i said, i don't know the levels so it's up to you to reflect on it. I hope this response helps.

#chitchat #anonymous #replies #long post

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hella1975 · 2 years

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hey I have life advice to ask and if it's not cool then just go ahead and delete this-

I'm gonna be 17 soon and I was pulled out of school due to stuff I couldn't really control, so I dont really have a college/university to expect in about 2 years ish if I cant pull through out of my depression/anxiety and take the GED tests (american testing, its like a substitute for a highschool diploma, which is.... shit idk the differences to england but either way if I cant study and complete 4 giant tests, colleges/universities wont be available to me. I think.). I really could just move about anywhere I'm able to, and there's this place that I really, really love. I've done everything I can to know about it besides GOING there, because it is incredibly far away from my home. Really fucking far. It's been smth of an idea of mine I've held on to a year, like all the towns and places I dive into I just keep coming back to that spot. It feels like the one, like I can't really see myself growing old because of my depression but I can SEE it there, and I've never felt that.

The thing is I know from a few older mutuals of mine (and just other adults in gen) that things can change and while you might go to uni/college for [X Thing] you'll come out with something else you found so you'll now have [Y Thing]. like what you're expecting or want is going to change as you learn more or delve into it. I don't know how much I should take that to heart really? There's this fear that's been placed into me that I can't actually think for myself if I'm always going to be changing. I'm so confident about this rn but what about later? Sorry if this freaks you out too JFNSJMW like we're about 2-3 years apart but it just feels like so MUCH, I wanted your advice since you've got the uni experience I might miss out on

(My family is fine really like they're not going to kick me out or anything, they've just got other problems ig that I'd like to escape from because a lot of what they do has me just.. stuck with myself. It sucks being a teenager because I'm just in the middle of it all)

hi anonstie! sorry for the slow reply to this, i hope im not too late to any decision making. thank you so much for trusting me with this, it's a really scary situation for any teenager deciding on something that seems so defining, let alone with mental illness factors and possible family pressures. trust me I GET THAT. so everything i say is my opinion very tainted by my own bias and personal experiences, but you know that and asked me anyway so im gonna assume we're clear on that okay:

so as someone who not only has the uni experience but overall LOVES uni like could not have picked a better option i love my uni life i love my friends i love my independence so much that i stick doing a subject i HATE bc i love my life here so much - coming from someone in that position, you want to know what i think? if you're not sure about going to uni and genuinely think you'd be happier elsewhere, do not go. im being so serious. university is a challenge, and people know that, but you have to take what you think it's gonna be like and double how hard it really is. it's a fucking culture shock and a half and even those who settle in well (i like to think i did) still have trouble finding their feet, and it's fucking scary. you have to have a level of certainty to manage it. idk maybe im being too extreme here but ive seen so many people who regret uni and are the loneliest they've ever been, and if you already have mental illness weighing on you that's not a boat you want to be in even if you might not end up like that.

the option does not vanish just because you didn't do it at the 'correct' age. i can see ur stress around the exams and while i know fuck all about american education, i refuse to believe there's no ways around it or ways to redo at a later time, or even if you do just wind up with not very good qualifications, somewhere will take you. i was convinced that if i didnt get out of my hometwon at 18 with the natural progression in academia then i would be stuck there forever, and part of me still believes that no matter how silly it is, which is why i outright refuse to drop my subject even on the days when it eats me alive, because i think if i drop out i'll get stuck in my hometown. uni was an escape for me and that's one of the reasons i love it so much. but over time, while it still lingers i wont pretend it doesnt, ive realised how wrong that mindset is. there's so many types of people at university. some people come onto campus with their children. some people are middle-aged. some people just did a gap year. my own flatmate is a second year uni student just like us but she's a year older bc she dropped out of first year bc of covid and reapplied. uni made me realise how common MESSINESS is. i hardly know anyone who got here on the really straight and narrow route, and maybe that's just part of being the covid cohort who knows but there's not a 'correct' way of doing things.

idk i think school is very rigid UNTIL you reach eighteen, and bc the universe is such a bitch you only realise how fluid everything gets post-eighteen ONCE YOUVE MADE THE DECISIONS.

so yeah, if you want to know what i think? chase that place that's calling to you. worst case scenario is it lets you down but you finally scratch the itch; that alone is something to live for. if you ever change your mind, university and that path isn't going anywhere. there's always so much choice, we just sometimes box ourselves in until it feels like there isnt

#i feel for you genuinely you couldnt pay me any money in the world to be 18 and scared again #it's truly fucked how little guidance we get just to turn a corner and realise everything truly is fine #like geniunely things work themselves out and adulthood teaches you that #there are scary awful horrible horrible times of course. but you have autonomy and there's always options #it's not as overwhelming anymore #ask

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thatnarcissisticfeel · 2 years

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hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

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chronic-gastro-illness-culture · 19 days

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I'm unable to go anywhere or do anything because of my stomach/bowel problems, and I feel so alone. doctors and hospitals don't help or know what's wrong, and i don't know what to do. I feel like I'll never get to go anywhere or do anything. (I get symptoms like stomach ache, nausea, acid reflux, diarrhoea, or constipation after I eat anything), so I'm unable to go anywhere where I'd have to eat. (so anywhere longer than a few hours.)

do you or anyone else have any experience in this or any advice?

i have been exactly where u r

i developed gerd in the spring of 2023

i made changes to my diet only to find out i have ibs n food allergies - i cant eat a lot of raw vegetables n fruits n nuts bc im allergic to them but i cant eat processed foods bc of my gerd either

so i have a limited diet n take magnesium capsules everyday bc i cant eat leafy green vegetables

but i definitely lived in fear for months n had a lot of anxiety abt eating n also my proximity to a bathroom. i was taking zofran around the clock n would keep a handful of tums in my pocket in case i started to have reflux

i felt like i wouldnt ever be able to enjoy food or the act of eating again. n so much of hanging out w ppl involves eating. i dont think ppl realize how much culture n socialization revolves around food until ur suddenly hyper vigilant abt what ur eating. also how hard life is when each n every meal brings w it the fear n anxiety of experiencing symptoms.

anyways my doc prescribed me anti anxiety meds n a ppi to get the reflux symptoms under control. n she told me to go to therapy. At first that rlly upset me being told my stomach problems were anxiety related n basically feeling like my doc was telling me its “all in my head” bc i knew it was psychosomatic i knew what i was going thru was real

but i started therapy n my therapist suggested i read a book called the body keeps the score by bessel van der kolk n it changed my perspective on the whole thing.

things like pills diets n exercise can definitely help get things under control- n idk what all u have tried n what all the docs n hospital have given u in terms of tools to work w ur undiagnosed conditions -but understanding the mind-body connection n how ur body holds n manages stress can rlly rlly help when it comes to actually managing chronic illness. bc chronic illness is tied to chronic childhood trauma which is often a pattern thats repeated in adulthood too. doctors can only do so much when it comes to treating the body but they have have no idea how to treat the mind. while i hated my doc telling me take anti anxiety meds n go to therapy initially now im very very thankful she knew that was smth that was behind her scope n so she sent to someone who knew how to give me the help i needed. bc if i hadnt gone to therapy id still be stuck at home locked in a prison of fear.

i go out to eat now. i had movie theater popcorn for the first time in 2 yrs last month. i can eat a greasy fast food cheeseburger. these things i only indulge in once a month bc i dont want my gerd symptoms to come back again but they r things i can do.

n bc ik n understand my own stressors ik how to prepare for things like that to keep my gerd n ibs managed. ik to make sure i only eat a gerd safe diet during times of stress n to avoid the greasy processed foods bc ill be more likely to have reflux then.

recovery rlly is a long journey n the medical field rlly is incompetent when it come to chronic illness. i wish u the best of luck on ur journey n i hope u get some relief soon 🙏

#anonymous #digestive disorders #chronic illness #stomach problems #irritable bowel syndrome #food intolerance #gastroesophageal reflux disease #food allergies #irritable bowel disease #crohn's disease #stomach ulcer #chronic illness story

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vintagedoctor · 3 months

Text

Fuck it we ball. Imma share my oc cuz i love all of them and i wanna explain everything abt them

i dont have a name for them yet sadly but i got a pretty good image of what they look like and the lore and all that and yeah... typical oc creation stuff.

so we all know i love plague doctors. i mean my pfp is a plague doctor (its a retraced steve (from owl house) art but with one of my ocs) and my username is pun on plague doctors and uhh i repost plague doctor stuff. so i love them. i cant explain why i love them so much. like ive thought abt it and i genuinely cant tell anyone why. i honestly think they look cool and mysterious and thats it.

my oc, as im calling them rn, is just "VD" which is my username abbreviated. its serving me rn but i know i should come up with an actual name. im thinking something like Vyn or Doctor Vyn or smth but honestly nothing fits. its *my character* ya know? so thats why im struggling on the name. but VD serves me just fine for now

bc im shit at drawing i use any oc maker at my disposal. at first it was picrews then it was minecraft skins, then it was heroforge, and now im making them in baldurs gate 3 character creator

so now, to introduce VD, either drawn as a half elf or tiefling, depending on how im feeling and what version character im using (ill get to that later)

heres what i think is the base version (in baldurs gate ofc) believe me id have put a plage doctor mask on them if i could

thats like the good version, ig. a paladin who is chaotic good and just wants the best for everyone but doesnt mind commiting some crimes to get there. i love them and is usually the character i make for video games since its closest to who i am. pretty easy to rp.

heres the basic versions for minecraft. i mentioned exploring the design thru minecraft skins so ill be showing them too. also im pretty proud of them. the second one is not a purple villager but instead a plague doctor mask. the second skin has tons of lore attached to it, actually. (and yes im ashamed to say minecraft rp lore too... that was a phase)

you can see there will be similar choices between all of them... uhh.. i love the color purple. i put purple in every thing i build because i love it and i cannot explain why. just like i cannot explain why i love plague doctors, i love purple. so yes every character will have some purple on them. i love purple

this version of VD is usually the avatar i use for everything. however that character branched off to a minecraft rp character (oh god.. yep)

this is canon VD... like *that* minecraft server. i was like 16 so everything from this server is gonna be a bit cringe. but this version of VD, who ill call cult VD, for reasons explained later, has much more of a explored personality. they are kind, helpful, naive, and also have a connection with an ancient elderitch diety that takes the form of a demon horse. i should probably explain that servers lore at some point huh? i honestly do just to get some closure from that server.

cult VD starts worshipping this deity, as anyone else would do right, which leads to the cult moniker. on that minecraft server, i always carried an axe as my weapon, so i like to imagine cult VD has a battleaxe as their main weapon of choice. this heroforge is old, before i decided to make VD a half elf / tiefling so thats why the ears arent pointy and theres no horns. but we will get to that. this naive version of VD eventually breaks out of the control of this elderitch deity but is still haunted by it for the rest of their life.

above is the picrew for this version of VD, which does have horns and pointy ears because i made this much later. yeah i know a jacket over a breastplate makes no sense but the picrew let me do it so i did it. (i made this a while ago so i dont remember my uh artistic choices)

VD during the possession had their own minecraft skin (cuz ofc they did, silly me)

this is definitely not inspired by anything. nope nope. its all original. dont @ me lol. i liked this skin. i think its pretty simple and screams of minecraft smp with "lore". it speaks of a simpler time ig. if this was dnd character, theyd be a devotion paladin. i think devotion to an evil god could be very interesting tbh. i havent been able to explore that yet but its smth to put out there.

oh heres some actual original art i did for cult VD. very nice :D

im still pretty proud of this, knowing i cant draw for shit and i did this like two years ago when i sucked even more at drawing.

this here is a little sketch of cult VD under some math work back in junior year of highschool i think? this is the first time i actually was pretty proud of my art. the expression and the hands and the axe all looked really good. i like it a lot.

i think of this character as priest vd or cult vd. i like having corrupt preist characters. its so cool. like that one line from hells coming with me. oh god i made an animatic with that line and i could not get the animation right. "I am the righteous hand of god. I am the devil you forgot." that line is like the backbone of who the character is. only thing is the character had run its course way before i discovered the song. yeah cult vd is like hells coming with me, the pitiful children (from jeremys perspective), and rule 4 - fish in a birdcage. ya know, trauma. i love trauma :D (for my fictional characters ofc ofc omg)

if i ever make a breakdown of my first minecraft server "lore", then anyone can see im gonna skip two iterations and move onto uh.. how do i put this lightly. uh... revenant VD?

IM NOT COPYING ANYONE I SWEAR OMG! or atleast.. i didnt mean to... its gonna get pretty obvious soon that i took much creative liberties from a certain minecraft server during the pandemic.

anyways my favorite version of VD because how much i could do with them. oh revenant VD is so fun. :D

revenant VD is the edgy, dark version but has tons of potential. thats why i love them so much. i used to associate them with hayloft II but not anymore actually. i think little pistol, laplaces angel, two birds, maybe what could have been, and saint bernard. being edgy for the sake of edgy isnt good characterization but angst for a reason is smth i love. they hate everyone bcuz the world has consistently treated them like shit and so the only way to actually cope with it sensibly was to treat others like shit back. but a variant of revenant vd i love is when they r crazily evil. like maniac and murderious. i just eat that shit up omg i love it so much. i got that religious trauma, the betrayal trauma, and the trust issues for them. i got it all omg i love this character so much. i can do so much with them so i think thats why i love them so much.

heres an idea of how they look. its pretty similar to how cult vd looks but more wild ig?

around this time my art started getting more coherent

i like this one. idk the face came out really well and it kinda shows how i wanted them to be. these were all sketches in notebooks during school when i was bored. i eventually got a sketchbook but thats further down the timeline

heres the heroforge for revenant VD. i loved the trenchcoat idea and the blood on the mask never going away. i remember watching someone in my middle school theatre class perform that one monologue from macbeth where the lady starts going crazy over the blood never washing away from her hands. this was a long time ago but it stuck with me. i really liked that symbolism of the blood still on her hands and how it means guilt of her crime. it was so cool. i ruined it by making it magical blood that never came off bc revenant was cursed when they initially died; edgy for the sake of it, which i previously said isnt a good place for a character. i think ive refined the design further but its lost in notebook margins and scraps of paper. such a shame.

revenant VD i like to think is associated with death in some way. maybe being an undead and filled with rage at the circumstances of their death, or being a proponent of death, like a reaper. i like those ideas. i actually made that concept

this is in my sketchbook. i think one of the first things i drew in it. i love that sketchbook. i love scythes, both the two handed and one handed ones. i think they work perfectly with plague doctor reaper characters.

one thing i associate with the modern version of revenant is like a apostle of myrkul transformation in baldurs gate 3. this ofc is if revenant takes on a more antagonistic role instead of being a pc. i love that boss fight and really think sometine like it could fit with my little revenant vd.

i think revenant vd would actually be many things. first obviously oathbreaker paladin but thats obvious. i was also thinking phantom rogue for all the allusions to death. they could also be an undead warlock. if i were to play smth similar to revenant vd in dnd, id make a phantom rogue undead warlock multiclass. i think it works surprisingly well actually. i could ask the dm to have my patron (death) collect soul trinkets like reaping souls on a regular basis and each long rest i need to consume one of them to keep alive.

oh yeah thats something else i really want to explore with this character. because they are undead i want to explore their need to consume life to keep alive. in minecraft i played around with the idea of them needing to break totems of undying every once in a while but honestly that was because i had a totem farm and too many totems for my shulker box. but the idea of them needing to consume some form of sacred life to keep their undeath is something i love and want to play around with.

anyways revenant VD is my most versatile character. idk how an evil character can do so much but they can. i love them so much.

the last character that originated in the minecraft server and one im still working on is doctor VD or Doctor Vyn.

i just want some appreciation for the second variant which i never got to use at all. i had to find it on my minecraft launcher instead on namemc because i never used it. i just love it but no one appreciated it. :( the undone tie im still so proud of

i just put this in cuz its so gender omg i love it sm :D

i just made this heroforge cuz i didnt have one. i never got to properly explore this character idea so its the one i keep trying to bring back. i think actually exploring the doctor part in plague doctor so thats why this iteration just keeps haunting me.

i think this iteration would be either an alchemist or artilerist artificer. this iteration was the last character i made for the minecraft server and it didnt go well. they were burnt out from the chaos they caused while serving death ig and just wanted to settle and research why they were able to come back. it was called "death research" and i had so many plans in minecraft. i should make a post about my ideas for the servers afterlife and stuff. its rough but i was trying. and def had no inspirations from that one minecraft server that everyone knew about.

this is the start of my descent into doctor madness. god i made so many ocs that r just doctors. i had variations of the artificer doctor and a rogue and i just went crazy. its still a character i want to play, ya know actually going into the doctor part of plague doctor. for now imma put a pin in the doctor research thingy and move onto season 2 of the server.

yes we had a season 2.

it had much less people than the first season and ran a couple months shorter than season 1. "lore" never started, not like how it was in s1. back then i was really disappointed but looking with hindsight, im glad it never got off the ground. we tried so many things. omg. but ill go over those later.

first: my character. i called them winterhold VD.

heres the skin i used for winterhold vd. i previously changed the mask color for a minecraft skin i barely used and so i did it here and it looks good. i think this skin looks more coherent than the ones from season 1.

heres winterhold vd with a little silly xmas hat. honestly playing in a snowy area while it was winter was really fun. it doesnt snow where i live so i kinda got that aesthetic in minecraft. it was honestly perfect. i loved building in the snowy patches and having large campfires and light sources to melt away the snow to clear paths. it was practical but also fed into our citys story.

anyways lastly we have the heroforge. i love this heroforge. somehow i managed to perfect replicate how the minecraft skin looked using the limited clothes in heroforge. the scythe makes an appearance for something explained later

i love this season a lot bc we had an actual theme. my group lived ontop a massive snowy mountain, almost like a plateau and i built viking like structures. it was so fun. the main "plot point" i remember was that we struggled with food for so long. we took over the village on the plateau and the farms were so sparse. there were like 4 of us that needed to be fed. oh also before we even got to the food problem, we had to fend off others since everyone wanted the mountain view. anyways, we had barely any food. i took charge and started growing lines of potatoes and wheat. if u dont know, in minecraft, growing crops in alternating lines actually make them grow faster. i cleared out a large patch in the middle of the village and spent days farming potatoes and wheat. i loved how the scythe ties that part of winterholds story in. we went from barely surviving and needing to jump off the mountainside to our dooms to refill our hunger to having a full chest of yummy potatoes. when we got access to the nether roof, my friend made her famous porkchop farm and we had even more food. it was such a good story from the actual gameplay and not planned at all.

but i had to ruin it, ofc.

i loved the story of us growing from nothing to a thriving nordic city so i decided to take it a step further. i thought it could be interesting if VD wanted more. they became obsessed with excess. they never wanted to run out of resources ever again. they started building more farms. more and more. farms we really didnt need, like a massive cactus farm and more crop fields. it was so much and we barely had any space to store any of it. finally VD asked their friend to expand the farms and build an industrial district far from winterhold. it was so far that the ice highway we built still took around 2 mins to get there. in that area my friend and i tried to build every farm imaginable. we got nowhere close. but it was definitely fun.

i really wanted to be the evil capitalist, something akin to how outer worlds is described in the fine print. but i never got anywhere close. that lore never shot off.

this server was in 1.19 so i really wanted to do something with sculk. so i started.. uh sculk research. this is going back to the doctor oc. i cleared out an ancient city and start slowly renovating the center out - i never got further than in the center structure. i was really proud of the little lab i made in the redstone area. it had test chambers and a library and a desk area. all pretty standard for a lab right? VD really wanted to study what sculk is and how it works. i as the person making the story and everything, kinda had nothing to go off of. sculk was completely fictional and original. (genuinely good job mojang). i had the minecraft "lore" vids from retrogamingnow and game theory but like i wasnt gonna copy those was i? i really wanted to do smth with the big portal in the center of the ancient city and sculk as a power source (i forgot which channel came up with that). i thought it could be cool if VD discovered how to open the portal and it led to the universe from s1. (yeah that multiversal shit everyone was tired of by 2023) but i really wanted to try it. it got nowhere. i had plans where the portal would open and revenant vd would step out, looking into the fresh new world to cause more carnage.

this is the skin i had planned for the whole thing. i have an alt acc i wanted to control along side my main acc. with hindsight, this would have been impossible to do to the scale i wanted. thats why this never got anywhere. i think this is where i realized i never fully got over revenant VD. this is a feeling that wont really go away.

we finally get the last iteration, as of now, of VD. it gets to be less of a character and more of just a persona for the current minecraft im playing on. i got tired of the doctor aesthetic and but still wanted to "research" so i created a wizard. honestly i just wanted an excuse to build with purple blocks. after some revisions, which are sadly public on my namemc profile i landed on

i love this skin. i wanted my whole aesthetic to be questionably evil. my base *looks* like it can be evil but the inside looks cozy and bright. theres an evil basement but nothing sinister has happened, yet. i dont think anything sinister is going to happen.

im taking a route closer to hermitcraft than rp servers. they make an aesthetic, build by it, maybe change their skin, and have fun rp moments. i like how simple that is. impulse, gem, grian, scar, and mumbo are all good examples of this. as of now, im tired of minecraft rp like i had it before. honestly ttrpgs are much better suited for this or just straight up acting. i will miss those angst moments and making skins for each "phase" of my character but the trend is dead and my friends are tired. the current server has been really clean of serious minecraft rp. its just been us fucking around for the most part. i dont want that to change. at this point im actively shutting down any attempts for serious rp. this is minecraft, we are friends, and we dont need to pretend to hate each other. it made keeping the actual friend ships hard. we barely scripted anything so everything was improv. BIG mistake first of all. but also that meant i had to come up with conflicts and deal with conflict while staying in character. i couldnt do it. it broke me and im glad im not doing something like that ever again.

anyways that that got deep. now i wanna quickly go thru some honorable mentions. personas im proud of but didnt need a whole section dedicated to them. oo boy, time to scroll thru my minecraft launcher

first up my desert cleric skin

i really like this one. i used in a minecraft event where we were all trapped in a big desert and had to make a village. it was my first minecraft event for that youtuber and i think i really killed the character. i made a temple and farmed potatoes for the people. food was hard to get and potatoes are easiest thing to farm. i was a "peace loving, pun slinging, potato farming person, definitely not copied from anyone else" i slowly became a favorite in the village, mostly bc it took a while to farm the potatoes and distribute them. im really proud of the muted purple mask, matching the purple robe. i tried it with my usual bright purple but it just didnt look right. this muted purple fits into the muted tones of the desert really well.

well now shoutout to the 1.19 update cuz

this one i love also. it kinda inspired the whole sculk corruption thing i was going for. i wore this skin sometimes but i could never find a fit for it. i guess i had it when 1.19 came out and was exploring it but outside of that and maybe "lore" it has no other use. ig other than looking cool. cuz it looks really cool.

oh god ok i do want to talk abt this one cuz i think its cool but oh god im gonna really make the furry alegations get worse

this was a skin i made for an origins server my friends had when that was popular. i was the origin "felvaxian" from the origins ++ mod. really good mod but holy shit was the felvaxian op. it was flavored to be a mix between a cat and crow but the naming scheme made no sense. i think it was an original idea, which.. like yeah made sense. it was so op but so fun. i had like a constant 9 block jump, took no fall damage, had an invisible elytra, the inventory from the shulker origin, constant night vision, and when i crouched i went completely invis. the only downsides was that i was a carnivore and i hungered quicker. we fixed that with a porkchop farm very quickly. but i loved the origin and that server dearly. i made a cat tree for a base. it was the perfect height off the ground where my jump could make it but no one else could get on. only other origins with movement abilities could make it which was very interesting. i actually was so happy with the design i made a heroforge of it

like winterhold vd, i was pretty proud of how this came out. it looked exactly like the skin. i later modded the pack to show the wings and get rid of the ugly filter, making this my perfect origin. i just love it too much.

uh next up has nothing to do any story or anything, i just wanted to show it off

im kenough

(if i couldnt get the actual sweater, i had to atleast get a minecraft version of it)

now to get festive. im just gonna show all these at once since theyre my festive skins

anyways happy halloween in summer, heh

ok tumblr is yelling at me because i reached the picture limit. so ill just make a part two. dang tumblr. i didnt know there was a photo limit. so uh yeah see ya in part 2

#minecraft #oc #vintagedoctor #vd oc #revevant vd #cult vd #im bored and just want to show everyone the years of my hard work i put into these characters and skins #im pretty proud of them actually #can you tell?#plague doctor #msmp #original character

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kingprinceleo · 2 years

Note

Hello! I hope you don't mind this sudden ask, but I would like to inquire about the vampire wedding ceremony post you made!

Do you already have details for the whole ceremony planned out? I noticed the candles they were holding; were those to represent something akin to rings? And I'm curious about the smiling thing too!

Jdjsbj sorry if this is going on too long but I love seeing world building and culture development!! If you don't mind talking about it, I would love to hear!

oh boy i love sudden asks!!!!!!! /gen i dont have everything planned out but im!! getting there!! and having alotta fun the candles dont rep rings, in fact i still gotta figure that out lol, idk if they have rings or smth else. The candles represent the individual person holding it and!

the roses they wear between them make the infinity sign, bc vampires hopefully (if life works out) live forever, and hope that their courtship does too!! so they uh. light it on fire with the candles, showing the union between them

(my first sketch of it ashbhsbja) and for the smiling thing, i tried my best to explain it in the comic but, vampires live forever! its a huge commitment having a partner (or multiple) for life. So its a tradition to prove how ready and serious you are for the commitment by keeping a straight face. Shadow wasnt aware of this fact, though it wasnt a problem for him sdfbdhbfhj, during their own ceremony, n he got unnerved as hell when sonic wouldnt crack any kind of grin or smirk like the dumbass he is other additional things bouncing around in my skull right now!! an old tradition thats now very outdated is vampires needing to turn their partners on ceremony day there is So much red, no white wedding dresses (prone to stains :[ ), only red everywhere dhbjfhdfh they trade some kind of scar (still figuring it out) but like, i think a majority of vampires are mate for life, and ive been having a hard time putting this together myself but like *some* kind of soulmate thing??? not like love at first sight, but they meet a person or people that theyre subconsciously drawn to, its not something they can actively notice or have control over, and it looks different for everyone (some vampires never experience this at all, completely happy on their own, heehoo aro go brrr) like blaze goes uwahhh and kicks her legs in bed daydreaming about miss amy while sonic genuinely just -happens- to end up in the same places shadow is and then wants to fight him. but the more time they spend around the person, the more its purely instinctual and they just Know that thats the one, something so deep in the core of their person, a rlly strong gut feeling. BUT BACK TO THE ORIGINAL POINT, they exchange some kind of psychical mark, that scars over, another thing with the theme of being permanent and lasting forever, that shows that theyre partners, nothing big though, like a little nic in the skin that doesnt hurt too much, or like some kind of tattoo symbol thing?? just kinda spitballing to myself now lol WAHHH i gen love thinking about worldbuilding stuff its so fun,,,,

#my asks #long post #marriage #vampire au #romance

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another-stark-sub · 3 years

Text

“Are you in love with him?” - Tony Stark Imagine

Notes: I wrote and editted this in two hours instead of going over my notes. Was gonna be spicy fluffy but it just turned into fluffy, and one of the lines/paragraphs (smth like that i dont remember how long that segment was) is based on/inspired by a fanfic on ao3 I bookmarked. I think it’s debt-free, but I could be wrong. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and I’m so sorry im not on here more oftennnnn

- - -

“Of course I am. He’s Tony Stark.” You sighed, a weight finally lifted off your chest. “Who isn’t in love with him?”

Bruce blinked a few times, the confusion evident on his face. “Then, why don’t you tell him?”

You scoffed. These geniuses think they know everything, but they couldn’t see what was glaringly obvious to you. “He’s Tony Stark.”

The perplexed expression didn’t disappear from your friend’s expression. So, you explained further, “It’s already a privilege, beyond that really, to be talking to you, to any Avenger. To work with any of you is an honor, and to be friends with you” -you laughed- “it shouldn’t even be possible for someone like me.”

“Don’t say that. You’re amazing, too.”

You tried to find any tick, any clue that he was lying. But Bruce seemed to really believe this. “I know I’m amazing.” You shrugged. “I’m great. I love and I care deeply, and I have a stable job. I have a place for myself, and I take care of myself.” You clicked your tongue. “However, you all, all you Avengers… Forget out of my league, more like off planet.

“And Tony? He said it himself. Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. Add superhero, figurehead, public figure, ex-CEO, and savior of the universe. Bruce, I have confidence in myself, but Tony is something else entirely. No one is worthy of him or his affections unless they’re a god or another Avenger.”

It was hard to keep up with the statistical analysis you were trying to run. The literal one on your hologram and the one keeping your view of Tony in check. So, defeated, you sighed and leaned back in your chair.

Bruce closed his own work and stood across the lab bench. “Weirdly enough, I’m sure none of us Avengers think that way.” After a few taps of his pen against his palm, he added, “Aren’t there fans making posts about you, too? Tony showed me the, uh, Instagram videos.”

You laughed. “Fan edits don’t make an Avenger. Saving the world does.”

He shrugged. “You help us save the world.”

“From inside Avengers Tower on a computer.” You took a deep breath. “Look, Bruce, I appreciate what you’re trying to do. But, I’m not telling him.” You shrugged and brought your statistical analysis back up.

You knew your own worth. You were worthy of an amazing partner and person. Tony Stark, though, was easy beyond that. You had accepted it soon after you realized your own feelings, and while they haven’t dwindled, you knew it was for the best.

~ - ~

Tony had never resorted to this before. It was never a question of his ability to code. In the past, it was because he didn’t need a program or an AI to do it for him. He could always tell if someone was into him. He knew when Pepper was into him. The moment Rhodey gazed at him back in their MIT days. Every single reporter and heiress and model he slept with, he knew when their thoughts turned sexual or romantic.

You, though. With you, he couldn’t fucking tell, and he knew it was because of his own feelings. Tony felt intensely for people before. Pepper, Rhodey, that one reporter all those years ago. However, with you, it wasn’t just that fluttery feeling in his gut or the immediate smile he can’t seem to stop when he sees you. It was the comfort he felt when he heard your voice or the softness he could feel in his heart when he saw a picture of you.

It was like his entire life was full of panic, never resting, never stopping. But when you entered his life with a gentle smile and a quick wit, it felt like he could finally breathe.

It was addicting.

“Sir, I have the calculations.”

“Hit me.”

“Speech diagnostics of you and of Ms. (Y/l/n) are similar. Whenever you speak of her, 79.4% is positive and 18.8% is neutral. Ms. (Y/l/n) has 78.9% positive and 17.2% neutral dialogue regarding you. When she speaks of you, her heartrate increases by 4.6%, and similarly, yours increases by 4.1%. When speaking to each other, heartrate initially increases by 7%.”

Tony nodded. “How does this compare to other Avengers? I gush about Banner like a teenager.”

“Well, sir, while you and Ms. (Y/l/n) have high positive dialogue about other Avengers, all of them have at least a 10% decrease compared to each other. And heartrate varies depending on the topic of conversation.”

Tony snapped his fingers. “Am I excluding all non-super friends? Include any agents, co-workers. Pep isn’t an Avenger after all.”

Friday took two seconds and responded. “You and Ms. (Y/l/n) have a significant difference in speech diagnostics when talking about or to each other compared to any other Avenger, co-worker, and friend.”

When Tony remained quiet, Friday added, “Do you want me to repeat the results?”

“You don’t need to, Friday.”

“But you’re not doing anything with the new information. Would you like me to save these findings?”

“Friday,” Tony warned.

There was silence as the love-wrecked scientist pressed his fist between his brows. Data and cold hard facts said yes, but was it right?

“Sir?”

“Yes, Fri?”

“Would you like me to play examples for you?”

He blinked. “Examples?”

“Yes. Of you and her talking about each other positively.”

It was an invasion of privacy. Tony shouldn’t.

“Play examples.”

Before his rational mind could tell Friday no.

“Are you in love with him?”

Tony’s eyes widened. This was too private. It might not even be about him.”Friday-”

“Of course I am.”

“-stop playback.”

“He’s Tony Sta-”

“Playback stopped.”

Tony scrambled. “What? No, wait, go back. Play it.” Screw rational. You knew he was a narcissist. You wouldn’t expect him to hear that and stop.

“He’s Tony Stark. Who isn’t in love with him?”

“Then, why don’t you tell him?”

“... He’s Tony Stark.”

Tony started to fiddle with something on his desk. “What does that mean?”

Friday answered, “Dr. Banner asked her if she loved you, and she said yes. This means that she’s in love with you.”

Why did he program Friday like this? “I know that. I mean, those two lines. Why does me being Tony Stark stop her from saying something?” Was it the attention? Did you want some sort of normal life away from cameras and international gossip? Maybe it was the Avenging. Having a partner who was always out risking death wasn’t ideal.

Sure, you could be in love with him. But you couldn’t be with him.

“Maybe you should ask her.”

There were celebrities who were able to live normal lives. Some paid to have prosthetics for going outside of moved to a remote country to get out of the spotlight. He thrived off attention, but he could give that up. Avenging, he couldn’t give that up, but maybe he could cut back. Take a mission a month instead of one a week. Or maybe take more digital missions. He wasn’t just Iron Man after all. He was a genius, could hack into the Pentagon if he really wanted to.

“Yeah,” he said. “Maybe I could talk to her.”

~ - ~

The moment you put your bag down on your lab table, Tony said, “You’re gonna be mad.”

You narrowed your brows. “What did you do?” You pressed your palm to your chest. “Oh my god, Peter overwrote my data, didn’t he? Ugh, I know he said he’s great at managing holograms, but really, Tone, you should’ve given him a tutorial before giving him access.” You brought up your holograms to check your data and analysis.

“That’s not it.” Tony stood next to you as you looked through your files. “I did something that invaded your privacy.”

You tilted your head. Closing the holograms, you took a deep breath and slowly asked, “How?”

Tony flashed an embarrassed grin before sighing. “You’re gonna be shocked, too, so prepare yourself.”

You did not know where this was going at all. What horrible thing could Tony have done? Steeling yourself, you took a deep breath and nodded at him to continue.

Tony cleared his throat. “Usually, I can tell when someone has feelings for me. People are obvious about it, but you? You aren’t. So, I had Friday do some analysis on our speech patterns. Me, being in love with you, was one of my controls. You and your dialogue regarding me was the main variable.

“Long story short, I accessed some audio of you and Bruce talking, and you said that you loved me but could never tell me.” He glanced at you. “So that’s why I need to apologize.”

Your expression didn’t change. No, that wasn’t it. You, at first, looked confused. Now, there was just nothing. No expression. No wrinkled brow in anger of flushed cheeks in embarrassment. Nothing.

Tony blinked. “You can shout at me now. If you were confused about when to shout at me.”

You licked your lips before taking a deep breath. “Ok, that was a lot.” You pursed your lips then opened it. But, you couldn’t really think of anything to say. You didn’t even know how to feel. “So you know that I” -you pointed at yourself and then at him- “and that I didn’t wanna tell you.” You shook your head. “Wait, do you know why I didn’t want to tell you?”

A broken scoff left Tony’s lips. “Yeah. I’m a mess.”

It was your turn to scoff. “Wait, you’re a mess? That’s why you think I don’t want to tell you?”

“Among other reasons?”

Other reasons?

You crossed your arms. “Ok, what other reasons?”

Tony looked offended. Still, he listed, “I’m surrounded by cameras, and everyone wants some privacy. Can’t get it if you’re with me. Then, there’s the Iron Man of it all. I went into a wormhole with a nuke. That was also all over the news. Then, there’s the whole daddy issues thing. I’m working on it, but it takes a while-”

He rambled on and on, listing reason after reason, and with each one, you felt tears well up in your eyes. It was a weird mix of heartbreaking, confusing, and enraging. The emotions built up slowly with each word that left his mouth, overwhelming you to the point that you couldn’t even say how it happened.

But, as Tony paced and talked so horribly about himself, you somehow ended up in front of him with your hands on his cheeks.

You only realized it when Tony stopped talking and when his breath touched your lips. “What?” he asked.

You didn’t answer. You kissed him instead.

It was a hard press of your lips against his. It was short, and it wasn’t much.

But by the way Tony gripped the back of your neck and pulled you back for another kiss, you’d think it was his first kiss. You knew it wasn’t. Not just because you knew he had kissed all sorts of people before you, but because he somehow knew how to make you gasp and melt into him.

While one hand kept you steady, the other trailed down your back and pulled you closer to him. His lips moved fluidly against yours, pushing and pulling, and everytime he moved back, you chased his lips to continue the kiss, because the softness, the passion, the fact it was finally happening, was all too good. You didn’t want it to stop.

Your hands started to move. For someone so rich, his t-shirt was rough when you twisted it between your fingers and pulled it to you. Slowly, you trailed your fingers along the side of his neck. You rubbed your thumb along his pulse point, a reminder that this was indeed real. You were kissing Tony Stark, and- He was pulling away again.

Desperate, you leaned forward, reached around to hold onto his shoulder, and kissed the side of his neck.

He let out a breathy laugh, and before you could suck on his skin, his stubble scratched your cheek.

You looked up at him and giggled when his nose bumped into yours. When your giggles turned into a smile, he kissed you again, a soft and short kiss, before leaning his forehead against yours.

His thumbs rubbed circles into your waist as you lightly scratched the back of his neck. He didn’t say anything. In fact, he seemed busy gazing at you.

“Speechless, Stark?” you teased.

He laughed. For a few seconds, he just gazed at you, seeming to prove your point. Tony’s hand began to wander, from stroking your cheek to pushing back your hair. “More confused.”

Remembering why you interrupted him, you brought your hands to his cheeks again and held him there so he couldn’t look away from you. “You are amazing, Tony. That’s the reason I didn’t want to tell you.” You shrugged. “You’re too good for me.”

His fidgeting stopped. “Well, that’s not true.”

“Tony, you’re an Avenger.”

“Technically, you are also an Avenger.”

“You’re a genius.”

“Who can’t cook scrambled eggs.”

“You literally saved the universe.”

“After producing weapons of mass destruction for decades.”

You glared at him.

He glared back. Then, he fought back. “I don’t plan on retiring.”

“Wouldn’t want you to.”

“I have severe PTSD, anxiety, maybe ADHD, all mixed with trauma galore.”

“And I will learn to help you.”

“I couldn’t give you a normal life.”

“I’d rather have you anyway.”

He opened his mouth, but you instead told him, “I’d rather have you than anything. As long as, well, for as long as you’ll have me.”

He raised his eyebrow. “You sure about that?”

“Positive.”

Tony shook his head with a smile. “Cause, I’d rather have you for, well, how does til you get tired of me sound?”

You laughed. “Won’t happen. But, sure.” You kissed him again.You would’ve kept going, but there was something to settle first. “By the way, Tony?”

“Yeah?”

“Is Friday recording right now?”

“Friday records everything. It’s in the contract.”

Friday added, “I record everything that happens in the tower.”

“Ok.” You could work with that. “I’ll forgive you for the invasion of privacy.”

Tony beamed, and you couldn’t help your own smile when he did. Still, you continued, “On one condition.” Your own smile turned devious. “I want evidence that Star Spangled Banner took my ice cream.”

Tony burst out laughing. He kissed you again, a deep kiss, and when he was done, he mumbled, “God, I love you,” against your lips.

#tony stark x reader #tony stark imagine #tony stark oneshot #tony stark #mcu x reader #mcu imagine #mcu oneshot #tony stark fluff #im so sorry im not on here oftennnnnnnnnnnn #dentla schools too busy and i dont wike it #thats not true i do like it its just busy and stressful and doesnt give me time to write #and smut takes me longer to write than fluff #so i can only write fluff rnnnnnn #anyway i miss you all #love you all #hope the universe treats you welllll

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autisticstarseed · 7 years

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i need ppl to understand when i say i cant be ignored i dont mean like ‘haha try to do it the least amount as possible!’ i mean that last night i had a dream my abuser was ignoring me and then my family ignored me when i told them what was happening and it put me into 1000% Hysterics like Screaming and sobbing so hard and loud that at one point i became lucid in the dream and thought ‘i hope im not screaming like this in real life’ it was such a visceral breakdown idk if ive ever been so upset in my life even if it wasnt real

#d//on'/t r/e/b//lo/g/#neg// // / /#like.... its not even a problem when people take a while to respond that isnt my problem at all in fact i would #rather it take 5 hours to get a response to what i said than #have someone respond immediately with something that doesnt address my words #like talking over me interupting me Not Giving Responses Before Changing The Subject that is stuff that literally throws me over the edge #and frankly its bc ... it can be controlled #like ppl can choose to pay attention to that and fix that but its literally just so second nature for ppl to ignore me i swear to fuckgin gd #I Know it sounds irrational but words cannot express how Truly And Deeply I feel this with every part of my body #I Am Ignorable By Everyone #Nobody can resist ignoring me and there is overwhelming life evidence of that and nobody can seem to pinpoint it everyone says smth differnt #so what do i do except keep going into hysterics and getting mad and hearing an apology just for them to #slowly ease back into it months later bc Its Just That Fucking Easy #like it makes me feel literally worhtless #or less than worthless like ik this is a mental illness cliche but im a fucking burden if its that hard to communicate with me #its like my abuser cursed me by ignoring me they somehow made everyone else want to ignore me too and i hate them for it #cuz if they hadnt if i was still ignorable maybe id be able to tolerate it #smh

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momoshin · 3 years

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im srry but i’ve been thinking so much abt toxic ryujin lately?? toxic as in she likes you but doesn’t wanna commit to anything but she still doesn’t like the thought of you being w someone so every time she sees you somewhere like a party or smth and you’re flirting or getting to close to someone else, she just drags you somewhere and fucks you so good you won’t be able to think abt anyone but her??? am i the only one that thinks this sounds hot???

she’s had enough of swirling her drink in her cup sulking exaggeratedly so you would notice and pay attention to her. ryujin hates the way she knows you’re doing this to rile her up and get a reaction from her. and she’d love to keep sulking and pretending she doesn’t care enough to take you away, but she does, so she can’t stop her feet from walking to you and the other girl, excusing the two of you so subtly before pulling you away with her to the first room she found

“i was in the middle of something” ryujin ignores your huff and pushes you on the bed.

“my bad” her voice feigns regret as she unbuttoned your shorts quickly

“i thought you said you didn’t want to date me”

“date you and fuck you are two different things” she rolls her eyes, finally throwing your shorts and underwear behind her. you roll your eyes, though not for the reason that you wanted to, but instead because she wraps her lips around your clit without a warning. “and i always want to fuck you, i thought we established this?”

“shut the fuck up” you sigh, annoyed that she’s already pulled apart from your clit

ryujin doesn’t snap back, yet does exactly what u expected her to, and slightly lifts herself up, enough that her hand could easily collide with your cheek, the slap resonating through the room and making your skin immediately warm up in enjoyable pain

“manners angel” and she dives back to between your legs, but this time much rougher than before, nibbling on your clit while the only other thought running through her head was how the girl you were talking to must be looking for you now, and she wonders how long it’ll take her to walk in the room and see the two of you like this.

the way you sigh and dig your fingers in her hair lets her know you’re enjoying what she’s doing, and that if she keeps it up you’ll cum pretty quickly, so she puts two fingers in you, no need of lubrication because of how wet you already were, ryujin drags moans and pleas from your lips for her to help you reach your peak.

but she’s having too much fun torturing you to let you cum so fast, yet, she still can’t control the way you feel when like she predicted, the door opens slightly, letting you see the girl you were talking to earlier with half of your name on her lips as it falls when she sees the two of you.

and for a minute she can’t help but stare, because the sight is so erotic and she is still attracted to you, so it makes her feel things she wouldn’t like to discuss with you just yet, but all this time she’s been staring, ryujin has never stopped fucking you with her mouth. in fact, she looks up at you knowing that someone else watching you is going to help you cum. and you try to articulate words, to tell the girl to wait for you outside, for what reason, you don’t know. it’s pretty hard to get back to where you were with her after explaining ryujin is just a toxic friend with benefits that wants you to herself. but you tried

that didnt work tho, and she watches how you cum loudly, closing your thighs in on ryujins head and yelling her name over and over again until your voice sounded gone. but after that, the girl whispers an apology and runs out of the room slamming the door with her.

it takes you a minute to calm down, ryujin already displaying a cocky smile on her lips as she helped you catch your breath..

“i want something serious ryujin” you sigh, looking up at her when you pause tying your shoes “and if you wont give it to me, ill find it somewhere else”

“but its pretty hard to do that when every time a girl is interested in me you pull me away for what? because you’re jealous?” ryujin bitterly chuckles while fixing her bracelets, crouching to your eye level and putting her hand on your jaw before kissing your lips

“she’s just not the one for you babe” the blonde shrugs, dragging your bottom lip with her thumb before walking away

#::slapping #my stuff #itzy imagine #itzy imagines #itzy smut #kpop smut #ryujin x reader #ryujin smut #toxic!ryujin

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