#it just bubbles out at the worst time and theyre trying so hard to sleep but Din keeps doing bad animal impressions

[positivityjediprince]

Late at night on Mandalore:

Luke, who is spooning Din: *starts gently shifting around and making random wooshing noises*

Din, who had just fallen asleep: "hu?"

Luke: *continues making wooshing noises, now interrupted by giggles*

Din, resigned to fall asleep despite his husband's shenangians: "sleep riduur"

Luke, stops moving, leans close and whispers: "I'm a jet pack nyoom"

Din:

Luke:

Din:

Both: *Uncontrollable giggling that goes on for far too long cause they're both overtired and keep setting eachother off*

[akabane-yum]

OTP Asks - All Of Them (9-16) <- Part One

For @toorumochi assass :P

For the Angst

9. Have they made each other cry?

Short answer: Yes

Long answer:

Karma knew that Gakushuu would be a difficult person to live with and that he was sensitive despite his hard exterior, but that didn’t mean he didn’t get annoyed too sometimes.

That night they were arguing about who knows what, saying things they didn’t mean, when the insults became half truths and eventually full truths that became insults. Karma said something along the lines of “Oh, and it’s not my fault your dad didn’t raise you right but it your fault that you’re becoming exactly like him, don’t ask me why I’ll need therapy more than twice a week after this.”

If it hadn’t already clicked to Gakushuu that they were fighting fighting before then, now he got the message. He ran out of the room without another word and Karma had to pace to cool down. Karma decided to sleep on the couch that night and only realized Shuu went off crying the next morning, when the air was cold and rigid and Shuu had tear stains under his eyes. Karma didn’t say anything though, he didn’t really know how to fix it. They ended up spending that whole day apart and eventually had a long talk.

———————

Gakushuu made Karma cry when he told him they’d probably end up breaking up. Karma was joking about meeting Shuu’s mom and Shuu just laughed saying he didn’t think they’d make it that far. That messed with Karma’s perception of permanence and what he thought they were. He thought they were gonna get married some day and that they were going to live together and... what? He tried to ask Gakushuu why he thought they wouldn’t make it and Shuu seemed unbothered. He said something about how they were incompatible in many ways and how they were both handfuls and how life would get harder and how Karma probably wouldn’t be able to handle all the weird changes in Gakushuu’s life because of how the businesses was booming. They said goodnight after that and Karma found himself outside at 3am taking a walk. He didn’t realize he was crying till he came home and Shuu asked him why he was crying. His first instinct was to say he was doing drugs but that would get them nowhere. Instead he said he didn’t want to talk about it, and they went to bed. He could think about permanence another day. And he did, they talked about both that and their insecurities going forward to try to salvage their relationship. (I can imagine that this is a few years into their relationship.)

10. Write a ~300 word argument scene for them.

In another post !

11. What causes them to fight?

The lighthearted answer would be: anything and everything. They fight over how many pillows they need but always laugh about it in the end.

Another answer would be: the fact that at the beginning of their relationship they were insecure about themselves. You know you really shouldn’t get into a relationship until you love yourself enough, at least in most cases. But for them I’m guessing that the mutual attraction was enough for them to get together, which isn’t always bad b u t for them they had a lot to unpack. It’s surprising and maybe even kinda toxic that they stayed together after the first part of their relationship but now they’re happy. I can imagine that they’re happier as adults at least, and that they still do fight over small things like the TV volume but those fights don’t even count as fights. It’s just a little conversation to keep them going yknow?

12. Do they have differing political opinions?

Kinda? Gakushuu is a businessman and probably took a course called “creating capitalism” so we can assume he’s pro capitalism, and on the other hand Karma joined the bureaucracy in Japan (and Japan is, if I’m not mistaken, a socialist country) so he’s probably at least pro socialism.

I just want to comment on how this is cool because Gakushuu being pro capitalism is a solo player as the CEO with the most shares of his corporation. Whereas Karma who we assume is pro socialism works as a bureaucrat for the government. Which is cool because capitalism is more about individuals climbing the corporate ladder and whatnot whereas socialism is more of a government intervention thing where the government has control and places limitations. (There’s way more to it but I tried to badly summarize.) So they’re both doing very well in their respective economies. That being said, we could go into the capitalist tendencies in Japan but we won’t! AHEM THE MAIN QUESTION WAS ABOUT POLITICS BUT I WARPED IT SORRY THEYRE PROBABLY BOTH MORE LIBERAL BUT I WONT GO INTO THAT.

Anyways to finish off explaining the “kinda” I answered with, I said kinda because I don’t think they feel strongly enough about their own (preferred) economies to argue about it. Though maybe Karma will complain about some of the disparity in wealth he sees between Gakushuu and others but honestly I don’t see them caring much, since they have the luxury of living in their own bubble of karushuu happy fun. I hope this blurb made sense.

13. Name something they would never do for the other person

Gakushuu would never give up his ambitions to be with Karma. Sounds sad but after letting go of some of those insecurities that were there at first, he’s found his self worth and won’t give up all his hard work for anyone. Is that selfish? Personally I don’t think so, because it would be selfish for someone to ask him to let go of his dreams for them. Karma would never do that anyway, so. By give up his ambitions for Karma I mean like if Karma were to ask Gakushuu to drop his work or him, he’d be dropping Karma.

Karma would never settle down entirely because Gakushuu asked him to. This is similar to the first one but I don’t think he wants to calm down and live in another tropical country and retire young just because they have enough money you know? Not like Gakushuu would ever ask him to slow down but if he did then Karma would still probably work a few jobs because of how boring life would be without something to do. This is basically like Gakushuu’s but I feel like Karma’s is less intense and he wouldn’t break up with Gakushuu right away because of this.

Take that as you will ^^

14. What would be a dealbreaker

This is the same as the last one I think. Telling the other to slow down and pick between their passions (for work lmao) or them. Since it’s the same ish for both of them I don’t think there would be that much of an issue though. Maybe if Karma killed Shuu’s cat then that would be a dealbreaker, who knows.

15. What are traits they dislike in one another?

Karma dislikes how Gakushuu is a workaholic and Gakushuu hates how Karma is taller than him :P also how quick he is at making impulsive decisions. HmMm maybe also how Karma snores- that’s not even a trait i- anywayyyyssss

16. If they broke up, what would be their opinions of each other.

Oh boy. I’ve thought about this for not karushuu things too so here’s my take on this:

Karma would consider Gakushuu as an addition to the toxic people in his life. First his parents, then some of his teachers, and now his first boyfriend. He’d remember the happy moments they had together but quickly try to replace them with the sadder memories. He’d try his best to paint Gakushuu is the worst lighting, he’d villainize (not a word but shh) him so he could go on thinking he didn’t do anything wrong and it was Gakuhsuu’s toxicness that tore them apart.

Gakushuu wouldn’t think of Karma. Not after a bit of time, not because Karma never came to mind again after the breakup, but because any thoughts of Karma would be illegal. Honestly I can see him thinking that his time with Karma was an era of weakness. He can’t go back to that weak state, not even in his memories, so he doesn’t. (Well maybe in the middle of the night some days he does but he’d never admit to that.) I hope my grammar here was bearable lmao.

I’m sorry I’m tired lmao I can’t proofread but yk :))) next part up soon!

[delimeful]

unexpected backfire (1)

Day 20: Grow

warnings: fear, panic, captivity, abduction, mention of injury, virgil being good at playing the villain, theyre both dumb morally ambiguous assholes here

-

Virgil woke up to harsh fluorescents over his head and cool metal under his back. He groaned, his head aching and a sour aftertaste in the back of his throat.

“Ugh, what did I do last night?” He grumbled, trying to block out the light by crushing his eyelids together harder.

“Became a bigger nuisance than usual, for one.” A horrifyingly familiar voice responded coldly. 

Virgil couldn’t help it, he immediately tried to jerk upright, only to find heavy bands over his chest and arms. Literal ones, not the kind that squeezed all the air out of him during a panic attack. He squinted against the light, staring down at himself. 

He appeared to be strapped to a lab table. 

“Oh, thank god.” He sighed, slumping back down. When he turned his head to the side, he was met with the sight of Logan Crofters, resident vigilante ‘Logic’, raising an unimpressed eyebrow. 

“Not the reaction I anticipated.” He said, noting something down on a clipboard. Cute. 

Virgil snorted. “I heard your voice first thing in the morning after a night out on the town and assumed the worst. This is preferable to finding out that I had a one night stand with you of all people.”

“The feeling is mutual, I assure you.” Logan set the clipboard down, circling the table with a manic glint in his eyes. When had he last slept? “Do you know why you’re here today, Anxiety?” 

Virgil pretended to think about it, pursing his lips. “Because I’m your mortal enemy and you decided today was a good day to abduct me and go on a mad scientist ego trip?”

“Incorrect.” He said, and he didn’t even get the little amused tilt to his lips that he normally got when Virgil snarked at him. Virgil began to wonder if he was actually in trouble. 

“Then, uh… No idea.” He shrugged the best he could while in restraints. They were kind of uncomfortable. “As kinky as this is, I know you wouldn’t risk your precious good name murdering me or whatever, so maybe we could just talk about this over coffee like normal people? I’ll let you pay.” 

Logan loomed over him, eyes obscured by the light reflecting off his glasses. “This is about Ro- Creativity.” 

Virgil winced internally, needing no further explanation. He really had gone too far, losing his control over the shadows under his skin. Normally, they only reacted so violently when he was afraid for his life, but the hero had been prodding dangerous buttons. Still, he was a villain to combat the corruption of society and get revenge, not to brutalize people. Not even irritating heroes. 

Still, he couldn’t admit something like that. As far as the public was concerned he was a figure to be feared, and he wanted to keep it that way. He rolled his eyes. 

“Maybe he shouldn’t pick fights he can’t win, then. Aren’t you the one who’s always talking about being a neutral party? Since when does an illegal vigilante care about some upstart hero?” 

In a heartbeat, there was something cold and humming under his chin, pressed into the soft flesh of his neck. He didn’t have to be Logic’s mortal enemy to know the telltale indigo glow of one of his inventions. 

“Since now.” Logan hissed, eyes blazing. 

Virgil’s heart rate shot into the triple digits, and he swallowed carefully, searching Logan’s expression. He’d never seen the scientist so impassioned about anything but hard facts before. “Huh. Never thought you’d be picking sides.” 

“I never thought you’d go that far.” Logan scowled down at him. “He could have been irreparably hurt because of your actions.” 

Right. It was always his fault, even though he hadn’t chosen to have these powers forced on him, even though Creativity had done worse to him. The shadows bubbled under his skin like boiling water, and in the back of his mind, he was glad Logan had the foresight to put power-draining cuffs on him. Things could have gotten messy otherwise.  

“Are you going to kill me, then?” Virgil asked, feeling a bitterness rise in his throat. Logan was the closest thing he’d had to an ally, especially after he’d found out the vigilante’s identity and kept it secret, strengthening their bond. It hurt to lose that. Badly.

“No.” Logan answered, but he didn’t move the glowing weapon from under Virgil’s chin. “Creativity can decide what should be done with you. I’m simply going to make you more… manageable. Travel-size, if you will.” 

Virgil looked down at what he could see of the weapon and then back up at Logan in disbelief. “You’re going to zap me with a shrink ray?”  

“I would not have been up all night working on it if I didn’t plan to use it.” Logan said, which was as good as a confirmation. “I needed a discreet way to transport you anyhow, since your capture is a get-well gift for Creativity. Rest assured, it wasn’t designed to hurt you. It hasn’t been tested on a person though, so I hope you’ll remain conscious enough to tell me how the process goes.” 

Virgil opened his mouth, horrified, but anything he might’ve said was cut off by a sudden sharp pain in his head as Logan pulled the trigger, making the gun emit a blinding light. 

His body went numb, but he could still watch, and as such he saw the exact moment when they both realized that something had gone terribly wrong. The restraints snapped off with a clack, because he wasn’t shrinking. 

He was growing. 

Logan, sleep-deprived as he was, stared at Virgil for a moment before looking down at his invention, confused. “That’s impossible…” 

Feeling began to return to Virgil’s limbs as he continued to grow, the space in the room getting more and more cramped until he was crouched over to fit in the room, and even then his back was pushing ominously against the ceiling. Logan seemed to finally realize the hazards of the situation, dropping the gun and backing up, his gaze flitting to the exit. 

Without a second thought, Virgil reached out and grabbed him, marveling at how easily his hands could lift the alarmed scientist. The building began to groan around him, and he hunched over the vigilante’s increasingly small form to protect him from falling debris.

By the time Virgil stopped growing, his hands were big enough that one alone would nearly dwarf the man, cupping him against his chest as he stood up, staring in bewilderment at the city around him. He lifted Logan up to eye level, eyes widening at the sight of the now doll-like scientist wriggling in his grip. 

“Put me down!” He demanded, as though this wasn’t exactly what he’d been planning on subjecting Virgil to. Feeling a surge of anger, the villain didn’t even pretend to consider it, idly fidgeting with the vigilante’s small form. 

“Nah, I don’t think I will.” He pinched his fingers around one of Logan’s legs and let the rest of him go, leaving him dangling upside down in front of his face. “Lucky break for me though.” He tapped his chin mockingly in thought. “I wonder if your favored heroes will come for you?” 

“Anxiety, wait- !” Logan’s cry was cut off as Virgil tossed him back up into his grip and casually shoved his hands into his hoodie pocket, darkly amused at the man’s ineffectual struggles against his fingers. Who knew tiny people made such good fidget toys?

He surveyed the city around him once again, taking in how small it all seemed at this size. Well, he thought as he began carefully ambling through the streets, there were plenty of things he could get done much easier like this. He should thank Logan, really. 

Dealing with his heroes was going to be fun.

[chimcharstar]

1 THROUGH 55 AND 1 THROUGH 30 GO GO GO

LETS FUCKIN GO

tumblr please actually make this a keep reading

55 interesting questions you should drop in someone’s inbox

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I ALREADY WATCH NETFLIX AND AGONIZE OVER MY STORY

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

MY JACKETS. ANY CHEST OBSCURING, BROAD SHOULDERED, COZY JACKET

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

DANCING, ID NEED TO GO TO CLASSES OR SOMETHING

4. What would your perfect room look like?

IM ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY ROOM BUT IVE ALWAYS WANTED A LAVA LAMP, AND 1800 MORE PLANTS COULDNT HURT

5. Do you play sports?

NO

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

SINNOH REGION

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

DEBT COLLECTION. I WOULD BE GIVING SHIT TO PEOPLE FOR FREE. I COULDNT BEAR BEING ENCOURAGED TO FORCE PEOPLE WHO CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING TO PAY MORE

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

SERVING. HOW MANY PLATES CAN YOU CARRY AT ONCE

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

WALKING IN MY SPACE BUBBLE WHEN MY SENSES ARE OVERLOADED

10. What skill would you like to master?

A SECOND LANGUAGE

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

THE ONE FROM MY DREAM WHERE I KISSED A GIRL DYED MY HAIR BLUE AND WE ELOPED TO BRAZIL TO RAISE SHEEP

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

THAT CHRISTMAS SHIT. PEPPERMINT MOCHA AT STARBUCKS. A FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME ONCE. NOW I ORDER IT A BILLION TIMES.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

I HAVE NOT TRAVELLED MUCH EVER

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I DONT REMEMBER LYRICS SO MUCH, BUT I COULD PROBABLY REMEMBER HOW MANY SONGS GO COMPLETELY

15. Are you usually early or late?

LATE. IM GETTING BETTER THOUGH

16. What takes up too much of your time?

GETTING OUT OF BED

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

SWORDS

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

COFFEE. SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO ME.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

QUEER EYE BUT BY TRANS PEOPLE FOR TRANS PEOPLE

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

YOU. AND ME. ITS GROWTH

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

21, SO I HAVE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

13 REASONS, THE BOOK WAS TRIGGERING SO I WONT RISK IT

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

TAKING A WALK, HAVING COFFEE, WATERING PLANTS… IM HAPPY

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I HAVE PERFUME...

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

TO YOUNG TO NEVER DRINK. TOO OLD FOR POKEMON

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR EITHER BUT I SEEM TO LIKE URBAN FANTASY A LOT

27. How often do you people watch?

I THINK IM SO POLITE BUT HONESTLY, I QUIETLY SCRUTINIZE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN EVERY DAY AND GUESS AT THEIR PERSONAL HABITS AND SELF IMAGE.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

MY BIRTHDAY, SAGITTARIUS SEASON RULES BABY

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

I DONT KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING PPL HAVENT HEARD OF BUT IM INTERESTED IN BLACK HOLES

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

FOOD. NETFLIX. DECOMPOSING ON TUMBLR

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I HAVENT READ A BOOK I REALLY LOVE IN AGES. HARRY POTTER AND ARTEMIS FOWL WERE MY FAVOURITES GROWING UP, BUT CORNELIA FUNKES BOOKS SLAPPED AND HIS DARK MATERIALS WAS GORGEOUS

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

IDAHO?

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

LUCIFER WAS LIKE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR BORING MIDDLE NAME JANE AND KNOWS THAT EVERY MURDER BREAKS YOUR HEART AND YOU SIMPLY DESERVE BETTER SO NO MORE MOMENTS WHILE THEYRE HAVING A MOMENT AND CHLOE IS WATCHING THIS FUCKING IDIOT AND IVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE SO I KNOW SHES GONNA KISS HIM AND THEN THEY KISS

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

ANY SMALL TALK QUESTIONS

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

YES. ID MAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT UP. SKILLS

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

GIVE ME A HUG AND SOME CHOCOLATE

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

HANG GLIDING

38. Dream car?

SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO WORRY WILL FALL INTO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

STRAIGHT LOVE SONGS

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

HAVING A CAT

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

DECORATING THE DOLLHOUSE I RESCUED FROM THE BATHROOM

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

IM NOT VERY FAR THROUGH THE WEEK AND I HAVENT ENJOYED MOST OF IT BUT PEOPLE SAYING ADORABLE THINGS

43. How different was your life one year ago?

NOT A LOT DIFFERENT, IM JUST LONELY IN THE CITY NOW, MINUS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE YEAR ON T

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

MY CACTUS JAKEN. I DROPPED HIM SO MANY TIMES AN ENTIRE HALF OF HIS SPIKES ARE FLAT SCARS. AND LOOK AT HIM. THRIVING

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

GENUINELY MADE ART

46. What do you hope never changes?

MY T PRESCRIPTION

47. What movie title best describes your life?

I LOOKED THROUGH NETFLIX AND I PICK TWILIGHT

48. What website do you visit most often?

TUMBLR

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

MY BIRTHDAY

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

FINDING A REASON TO CANCEL EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

WALKING BY SOME RUNNING WATER

52. What age would you like to live to?

80. THATS MY MENTAL HEALTH ANSWER

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

SOMETHING CREATIVE WOULD BE AWESOME

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

CRIMES

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

A CAT

Lgbt+ ask game

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I’m even a little shaken by a questioning state right now but for a while I’ve felt the best fit is the androgynous label -- I read a description of it being the purple on a pink to blue scale, both at once but not specifically either one, and something else by itself. I’m also happy with a cryptic masculine grey area. My pronouns are he/him.

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

During the Puberty 1.0 nightmare, I was basically living someone else’s life, and any attraction I felt wasn’t in relation to myself. I felt disconnected from my body and gender and everything too, and I felt a lot of social pressure to experience a certain type of attraction, fit into a certain role, et cetera, and none of these feelings existed in me at all, so I used to identify as ace. When I realized I was trans, I was too caught up in the, transition safely, my life is a lie, stopping dysphoria drama to focus on this, but I had an idea I might be a gay guy judging from my gay creative writing until I caught feelings for a girl and realized this wasn’t the first time that had happened. Some bi positivity and nonbinary rage later, I am reminded that gender is a joke.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Yes of course A LOT. Starting with my parents, who do it aggressively and maliciously. And plenty from strangers and customers, mostly after hearing my voice pre-transition. It used to hurt terribly because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time, and one little thing could be the last straw, so I used to react strongly and harshly, to people you express yourself to anyway. On T, I’ve been so much more chill and confident, and it’s less painful to accept that some people just don’t know any better, although that doesn’t change its effect.

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

I don’t remember, I think it was a high school friend. I vaguely remember texting someone in a bathroom during a crying session at work. My high school friends were all warm and supportive.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

It was scary as hell. I’m sure coming out (with your gender specifically) is scary by nature because it’s a huge truth to be telling that can really change how the people you love perceive you, for better or for worse, but for me, I’m also thinking with the dread and certainty that my family would be too conservative and potentially dangerous. Coming out to my family was one of the worst, most painful things I’ve ever been through -- being kicked out and laughed at, a lot of drama, confrontations, Bible readings and being ganged up on at odd hours, trying to comfort my mom who took it as her personal failure -- I was shaking with adrenaline 24/7. I think of the “I’ll suffer through anything as long as it has meaning” comment that was about angsty fanfics, but knowing the truth about myself was a source of unshakable strength and it felt refreshing and even triumphant to say, like I was giving myself permission to exist for the first time. I came out a bunch of times, though...

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

My family reacted mostly badly, my sister is a little confused but has the spirit, and my friends have been wonderful.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

It’s more of a gender thing, but I hate it when people imply that I shouldn’t be on T or are subtly trying to talk me out of it with their questions. After all the disrespectful as fuck bullshit I heard from my parents, I’m tired of this.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

Zombie apocalypse denim? Gay Layers

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I’m not really emotionally invested in these “ships” you cool kids are talking about. I like canon, age-appropriate ones.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I’ve never really worn makeup. I brazenly never bothered to growing up, and if it had an effect on me socially, I was too tuned out to care. My sister always wanted to do my hair and makeup, but I wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her, much to her frustration. I wore some for a musical once though, and I had no idea what I was doing and it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt what I know now is dysphoria and ended up using the lipstick to draw. Another aspect to this is my family forbade it (or my dad made the decision for everyone), not that it made my sister feel less pressured to wear it, so maybe it was some female presentation I could easily get out of. For that reason, I don’t have super strong feelings about it. Not understanding it probably resulted in me feeling left out a lot among my peers.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

Yes. Before my realization, it was a numb horror I wasn’t consciously aware of, ruining nice things growing up to the point where I feel like I missed out on being a teenager. I remember it as feeling nauseous while sitting in a corner, feeling like none of my clothes ever fit for some mysterious reason. Living with my family in the closet, it defined my life, and I was obsessed with my presentation. These days, it does not bother me on that level at all, except a minor freakout now and then if I get really wild and wear feminine clothes. Or I still feel it in more subtle ways, when I default to customer service voice, or when guys my age are twice my height and I look aaaall the way up at them and wonder what gender they see me as.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Trust me, I have heard truck loads of dumb shit and the winner is the Gay Agenda is R****a’s propaganda to weaken the integrity of North America. Considering what is happening over there, it was enragingly stupid.

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

I feel like I can be myself around lgbt+ people. I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff or put on a show, and I’m not afraid because it’s familiar territory.

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

Aside from obvious problems like TERFs, ace discourse. Ace people are part of the community if they want to be and that’s enough on that, my skin is already breaking out.

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I finally went to a Pride event this year! I was surprised it was the first one I’d been to, then remembered my parents discouraged me from going anywhere, never mind to a gay where.

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I can’t think of many people right now, but Leslie Feinberg seems awesome, and some quotes from Stone Butch Blues are very validating.

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

No. Technically I have been in one, but it was shitty and ridiculous, and basically platonic, and I don’t want it to count.

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

I barely read… I read Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe in high school and it was honestly so precious.

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

Yes. I got kicked out (but then kicked back in again), had my stuff stolen and damaged, was verbally harassed… and I was indirectly fired by an employer, but We Will Never Know Why...

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

Queer Eye! I don’t know of many though, and some important ones, I just haven’t watched.

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

My mutuals :D

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I’m okay calling myself queer.

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but I did see some drag performances at the one (1) Pride event I went to, and they were jaw-dropping.

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

I’m not sure what this question means, but I decide what fits right by what makes me feel the most alive and emotionally real and in the moment. What makes me feel the most attractive to be honest. There’s a post about dysphoria I saw going around, the things on it are basically what I use to figure things out.

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I am actually! Not anytime soon, but I’m the responsible type for sure, and judging by the way I love growing plants and being around animals, I’m probably a nurturing person. I actually like kids too, lol, they’re just so high-energy.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You’re a boy. Go!

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I think people are going to have different ways of expressing themselves that make them happy, but… I don’t think they should infringe on basic human decency. When I hear “role” I think of acting a certain way because someone told you to, something I want to disagree with on the spot.

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

People move out of my way on the sidewalk and take me seriously now. Privilege or self-confidence… I never want to forget what it used to be like, or get too entitled.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

That it’s simply living one’s reality. I think that trips up a lot of straight people -- that some people just come like this, and they don’t have to make it fit into their personal identity.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?

Because I worked hard to be alive and happy right now. I’m proud of choosing to get through those rough patches, take care of myself, heal, take walks, cook breakfast, learn healthy coping mechanisms, that was out of love for myself and a defiant conviction that I have a place in this world.

[rimurutempest-bounced]

questions for neurodivergent folks ( from @shitborderlinesdo )

post here!

if ur autistic:

1. do you stim?

yes, sometimes! i’ve suppressed a lot of it over time but i still do some subtly.

 if so, what are yr favourite stims? 

touching/tapping the tips of my fingers together, stroking soft patches of skin(esp backs of my hands, wrists, or parts of my thighs, hips, ankles), cracking knuckles, stretching fingers/feet/arms/legs rly far, rapid blinking(though i also have a tic involving blinking which is similar, but involuntary), bubble wrap,flicking light switches/door lock mechanisms, bouncing on toes, toewalking, chewing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(esp pens/pen caps and similar textures), biting, mouthing/lipping things, clacking my teeth lightly, whistling, leg jiggle sometimes, jumping, skipping, hopping, and a few other rly specific things (like involving swimming, or being on something and hanging so im upside down and stuff)

2. happy stims? chewing, biting, skin stroking, finger tapping, skipping, hopping, jumping 3. negative stims? snapping fingers, “hiccuping” (it’s a little giggle/hiccup type thing i do, but idk what to call it), teeth clacking, leg jiggle, exposing too long to extreme cold temps, hitting head against things 4. favourite textures? idk how to explain the soft-smooth i like; silk usually looks like it should feel like this, but it doesn't. also when people talk about “plush velvet” the texture that comes to mind is good, like a really nice stuffed animal or a cavalier king charles spaniel with super soft fur, but real velvet feels bad lol. also just most fur in general, esp rabbit, cat, certain dogs. some wing or chest feathers on birds like doves. milk weed fluff. soft, squishy, fuzzy caterpillars(not the bristly guard hair ones. more like forest tent caterpillars), moon jellies, soft leather/suede, really smooth grey granite, polished shiny pink granite, lambs ear/mullein 5. least favourite textures? some types of linen are VERY BAD but idk what they are, they’re like stiff and scratchy and feel super cold? gummy bears, ew. really hard chocolate in cold ice cream, a lot of faux furs, like so many, most (sheep)wool, scallops, often times chinchilla fur feels bad, most velvet, esp crushed velvet, potato sacks, a lot of plastic bags/thin plastic film 6. what's a pet peeve of urs involving a specific sound? squeaky plastic is the worst, esp from plastic wrap. teeth grinding/bruxing is bad, hearing people having sex in another room/apt, heavy footsteps/stomping, esp when fast like running, door slamming, when people slam their hands on a table because they just thought of something, the sound quality of like...having water in your ears/popped ear drums, where everything feels muffled and almost whispery/far away, but also REALLY LOUD AND CLOSE... 7. a specific sound that makes you Really Happy? al snoring softly like a cat, my cat snoring, cats purring, crackling fires, wind whistling, waves lapping, thunder rumbling, THUNDER CRACKING, wood creaking in a strong wind, that soft snuffling of cat/dog noses, the sound of rodents digging in bedding or eating millet, angel caller bells(bola, fairy callers, whatever you call them) 8. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)? about 6 years ago what has changed with the diagnosis? i dont hate myself for as much of my behaviours/thinking/speech patterns. im slowly trying to let myself let go of “survival mode” NT behaviours i was forced to learn 9. are there any behaviours you have that, prior to diagnosis, didnt make much sense, but now they do? too many to list lmao 10. what kind of representation would you like to see of autistic ppl in media? girls, trans folks, autistics of colour, just less cis white boy perfect example savants. autistics with “atypical” autistic symptoms. autistics with ugly meltdowns and other unpleasant symptoms. autistics who are messy eaters, who can’t dress themselves, who struggle with everyday tasks and self care. autistics with “useless” special interests that cant be reworked to make them more productive genius types. LOUD autistics.  

if ur mentally ill:

11.when were you diagnosed (self or professional)?

6 yrs old or younger

12. what is your diagnosis/are your diagnoses?

BPD, (various types of)depression, DPD/social anxiety(when i’m alone)/agoraphobia, panic disorder NOS, mood disorder NOS, DID, ADD/ADHD-PI, ASD, gender dysphoria at one point, conduct disorder or whatever it was called. IED. all i can think of. all diagnosed professionally over the years, though ASD is not on any official records because i asked it to be left off to avoid that specific abuse/stigma.

13. is the community youve found with other mentally ill ppl helpful?

mostly no. but in some ways, yes. i appreciate having more access to info, hearing relatable stories, common symptoms/experiences that help me understand things better, etc. close friends with illnesses/disorders are nice, but mostly i know them for other reasons outside of diagnoses.

14. do you find it challenging to tell ppl yr mentally ill?

absolutely

15. what are the most effective coping mechanisms youve found?

im not sure. i just...cope? somehow? not always effectively, but idk.

16. have you ever been to therapy?

ya

if yes, what helped and what didnt help?

i hate group therapy. in individual therapy, i like having my husband sit in on the sessions for support. therapist NEEDS to prompt me and ask active and specific questions. setting clear goals with clear steps helps. a lot of more “creative” methods actually are super unhelpful for me.

17. do "find your happy place" exercises help you or no?

sort of? i don’t try them much. usually they make me sadder that im not there.

18. what are some of the most Tiresome Cliches ppl tell you to deal with yr mental illness (i.e., "just do yoga!")? 

“everyone gets depressed”, “yoga”, “fresh air, sunlight, and exercise!”, “essential oils”, “meditation”, “_______ diet/supplement”, “mind over matter”, “lose some weight” (THIS DOES NOT MEAN NONE OF THESE CAN BE HELPFUL AND I DO WANT TO DO SOME OF THESE THINGS, BUT STATING THE OBVIOUS ABOUT THIS SHIT AND BEING CONDESCENDING IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING)

19. what books / movies have really helped u?

none in this regard

20. what kind of representation would u like to see of mentally ill ppl in media?

idk. better. sympathetic without condescentding, infantilising, or demonising. sympathetic recovery stories, showing a happy ending, but not some “theyre cured” BS

if ur chronically ill:

21. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)?

asthma - like 4 yrs old, tendonitis - like 13 yrs old, unspecified pain/inflammation - 2019 professionally (like 2011 ish on my own, but really it started when i was ~13), nocturnal epilepsy - not done with diagnosis process/testing as of july 2019, a few chronic infections that don’t affect me any more were diagnosed when i was a kid, idk

22. do you find the support system with other similarly affected ppl to be helpful?

i’ve not been involved much, tried it out, really

23. what do you struggle w most on a daily basis?

pain/inflammation/stiffness in joints, back, neck, shoulders, feet

24. what helps you most?

i wanna say sleep, but it actually makes everything worse so, new diet(anti inflammation), making goals/plans, spirituality, going to healing places like the woods or by the sea or mountains, massage, soft comforting petting from my husband

25. what do you want to tell able-bodied and neurotypical ppl in regards to chronic illness?

it’s not the same. yeah maybe “everyone has back pain”, but my pain and your pain are different; they happen for different reasons and they affect us in different ways. if everyone is in pain we should do something to make life easier for everyone, not dismiss people who are suffering.

26. how do u keep your strength on a daily basis? i dont

27. if yr family supportive?

mostly yeah?

if not, who do you find the most strength and support in, outside of yourself?

my husband, regardless

28. what kind of representation would you like to see of chronically ill ppl in media?

show me people who find creative, easy, free/cheap ways to be comfortable/improve symptoms. do not fucking cure them to make them happy. let them be happy and comfortable by finding new ways to do things, no by erasing their obstacles.

if u have bpd:

29. when were u diagnosed (self or professionally)?

2014, i think? though it was suggested by a therapist in like 2008 or 2009

30. do you think the support system in the community is helpful?

no

31. what are some of the ways you keep yrself grounded and remind yrself to Take a Step Back when bad feelings get in the way of rational thinking?

remind myself other people have autonomy, think about how i would feel if someone reacted to things i was doing the way my brain wants to impulsively react to them, talk talk talk, find something else to do as distraction

32. coping skills?

idfk what they are, they’re just there. usually.

33. how do u keep yrself in check when impulsive mood swings come around?

uh, mostly i covered this in 31. gotta reset focus on something else, find distraction that produces different emotions until mood passes

34. what skills do you use to remind yourself that you are loved?

husband. doesnt always work, but mostly.

35. who has been the most supportive of u?

husband.

36. how has your diagnosis changed the way you view yrself and yr interactions w other ppl?

more mindful of others feelings and needs, esp my mum with BPD

37. what kind of representation would you like to see of ppl w bpd in media?

not fucking abusive/manipulative or miserable. let us struggle but have great supports and practice effective coping skills so we can build stronger relationship bonds and enjoy socializing and/or things that are personally important

all ppl:

38. how do you deal w ableism that comes at you from all directions?

laugh about it with my friends i guess?

39. who in your life is the most supportive of u and yr recovery?

husband

40. who are some people on tumblr who have really helped u in yr journey?

well, i met cieran here. alice has been a good influence. there’s a few of you for sure, though maybe not all specifically for these sorts of things.

41. best coping skills?

i dont know

42. most irritating Ableist Cliches ppl use to tell u yr not good enough?

infantilizing me(comparing me to a child), mocking my productivity/commercial success, “daddy issues”, trying to gaslight me into thinking i’ve been abusive because we disagree on something/i pointed out something they dont like

43. best most supportive thing anyone's said to you? 

“i want to be like you when i grow up”

44. songs for Happy Times?

counting stars, gooey, just about anything by MIKA, most “meme” songs

45. songs for Not-Happy Times?

a lot of hozier, bastille, of monsters and men, rage against the machine, flobots

46. non-triggering movies that discuss mental illness?

im not sure, i know there are some i love that i could list, but none are coming to mind. not a movie but: moomin and most ghibli media, esp kiki’s delivery service.

[lifeblossom-remaking]

how to effectively Maxwell DPS in the forge: a (rambling) guide

heyo, im seeing lots of guides going up now that the forge is live and no longer in beta and i figure nows a good time for me to explain how ive won as this terrible, terrible frail old man and how he can actually be one of the strongest players on the team!

a few overall tips:

- communicating openly and loudly with the team is vital. youre going to be pretty weak at first and your biggest benefit to the group will be reducing the number of enemies coming to them, especially in rounds that can be overwhelming like the ones with pit pigs and crocommanders

-similarly, youre going to need a team comp thatll work with you. for maximum damage maxwell is going to want both the infernal staff *and* the tome of beckoning (as well as the tome of petrification when the situation calls for it). dont use a maxwell in a game with a wickerbottom, because imho theres really only room for one magic dps per game (though he does great with willow as a teammate, given willow can take fire physical dps with the molten darts)

-its going to seem stupid but youre going to want heavy armor once your tank(s) is/are outfitted and there happen to be extras. trust me.

now, starting out: maxwell is frail as shit. he has 75 max hp. with his starting armor, he dies in three hits to the snortoises, and if he gets hit from max hp by the scorpeon acid, he will get knocked down to 10 hp once the acid leaves your system. you absolutely do NOT want to get hit. dont even bother trying to hit enemies with your book unless youre absolutely confident in your ability to get away from their retaliation and are doing it to keep them grouped up for petrification purposes.

this guide’s going to explain how to be a king of multitasking via both tomes and the infernal staff. given maxwell has the shadow clone special ability, which does about 150 damage when it procs, AND can summon the magma golem to do consistent damage on top of his infernal staff usage, he is very, very good at taking down bosses and keeping their attention if need be!

besides that: though i focus on how wonderful and sexy the infernal staff and tome of beckoning are, the tome of petrification is HUGELY useful. be sure you keep an eye on your cleric. if theyre surrounded and trying and failing to cast, you can easily swoop in on the distracted enemies and freeze them in their tracks so your healer can revive or cast life blossom.

however, that means getting past the first few rounds. the pit pig and crocommander rounds are hell on earth as a maxwell. in the beta, he was able to consistently petrify enemies if he got the crystal tiara due to the recharge being just fast enough - however, it got rebalanced in the new update, either slowing down the cooldown or shortening the time enemies stay petrified. its better to let the healer take the crystal tiara (unless they insist). stay out of the thick of things, or just run around and try not to get hit if youre being pursued because the pit pigs are fast enough to get to you before you can petrify them.

your time to shine will come when your healer gets a life blossom spell up. once all the enemies are grouped up - this is where communication is vital, because this is where i see the most mistakes - let your physical dps units get their anvil strikes/pyre poker attacks off, and THEN petrify the enemies while theyre stunned. this will let them pick off the severely damaged enemies at their leisure. dont be afraid to be assertive in text or voice chat! remind the others to take turns getting those attacks off as the healing goes down, and keep track of how many are left to go. the worst feeling is getting a petrify up as soon as someone else undoes all that with an anvil strike.

when its time for the crocommanders, the best you can do is petrify one of the two groups as soon as they spawn in, then continue to stay out of the thick of things. the best ive found to petrify a group without getting completely mauled or them running out of the circle is actually going after a group of enemies that the tank has busy - and of course, communicate as always. thisll make it easier for them to either clean up the pit pigs or pick off the crocommanders if you make your intentions clear so they can stop attacking the petrified enemies.

the snortoises are the next round that youll only be able to petrify in. let your kite take the top or bottom group of two - youre going to want the group of three that spawns to the bottom-right. its not hard to keep them petrified, given how slow they are and how little you have to worry about dodging them, even if its tempting to sometimes whack one as it starts to wander off. youll probably get spiked in retaliation - keep in mind you can only survive three of those hits. just make sure you keep communicating and dont let anyone else, not even your kite, (well, okay, your kite can, but its very annoying), get those three away from you or unpetrified.

after the snortoise round is when the infernal staff drops. the scorpeons are much more dangerous than the snortoises, but youll be able to actually hold your own for once. just keep your distance and be sure to consistently attack one - and keep an eye on your healer as always, in case theyre having difficulty with aggro, so you can switch back to your petrification tome and freeze the scorpeons. i find it easiest to keep the two weapons, whenever i switch, in the middle, so that i can always see where they are.

you dont need to worry as much about petrifying as enemies wake up; now you can join the physical dps team. try to remember about how long life blossom lasts; the meteor spell takes a long, long time to cast, and youd want to get it to land about when the flowers are fading away. its helpful in that it can stun enemies for a short time, too, in case anybody needs to get out. if youre going to cast it on a group of moving enemies, it follows the same rules as petrify, just takes longer to cast; try to predict where theyll be moving a few seconds ahead, especially if theyre chasing a teammate.

this really should go unsaid, but do everything you can to not get hit by the acid. stick with your healer if youre hit, because youre almost guaranteed to go down unless youre able to avoid any more hits afterward.

the tome of beckoning should drop towards the middle to end of this round. it summons a magma golem that does about the same damage as you do with the infernal staff, and as consistently, but it goes down rather easily and will eventually leave by itself. however, by combining that AND the infernal staff AND the shadow clones (those dont apply to the golem, obviously; only the staff attacks), you can get an absolutely bonkers amount of damage off.

hopefully, you only have one tank. having more spaces open for dps will get you through the fight laster. if you only have one tank, you can get the second chiselled marble armor when it drops. if you have two, you can get the stone splint armor. either way, youre going to need those during or after the scorpeon round, otherwise (im relatively certain) the boarilla can literally one hit kill you. and things will go awry sometimes. its going to want to punch that frail old man. thats just how the forge goes.

this shouldnt have to be said, but once it drops from the first boarilla, youre going to want that tiara that ups your cooldown speed and your magic damage. now you can be even more deadly.

for obvious reasons, when it comes to the two boarilla round, youll be better against one boarilla than against the reinforcements that come up. just keep versatile. youll want to petrify the mooks while keeping dps up on the boarilla if possible, and its a stressful job, but its absolutely useful and possible and will keep a lot of heat off the team. now that youll have better armor, youll be much more survivable against the hordes, too, and have to worry just a little less.

(by the way; the magma golems ai isnt too bad. it wont attack petrified or sleeping enemies, making it automatically a better teammate than half of the randoms youll find)

if you have the marble armor, youll actually be able to take a couple punches from the boarilla. dont be afraid to try to draw aggro off of your healer or wilson (or if they were feeling particularly punchy, your wilson IS your healer). and as a dps, youll be the bottom priority for rezzing (which should be wilson>kite>tanks>dps). but not to worry. just do what you need to keep the group alive, even if you have to get smushed sometimes. dont forget, the golem can serve as a distraction, too, and can keep it locked into defensive mode.

the same general rules apply to the boarrior, when it shows up; you can tank a bit better than you think (but still not very well! youre a twig in a whole bunch of bubble wrap) if you need to get aggro off your healer. now, heres where things can get really juicy: does your healer have a hard time getting the big man into the life blossom circle so he can sleep? this is where you can swoop in. remember that tome of petrification you forgot about once all the mooks got cleared out?

yup.

you can set up a combo (as long as youre communicating! no matter what i say here communication is the number one key to winning) where you petrify the big boy (which will only last a few scant seconds, so work fast) and then your healer puts a circle right on him so he cant escape.

aside from that, tactics are widely the same. dont be scared to petrify pigs, etcetera, etcetera. keep your kite and your healer safe. you can do it!

good luck! message me or reply if you have tips i should add!

[thepalegoldmoon]

Answers

so i was asked to answer all of these so here i gooooooo!!!!~… kms… ;u;

— 1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

uhhhhmmm i dont really hold hands cause i over heat and the get clammy easily, so the last person i “held hands”/ linked arms with was actually at Anime Boston with this rad dude Jay, we were cosplaying Keith and Lance from Voltron. it was a good day, but we were tired as fuck.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

kinda both depends on the situation and who im around tbh

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

in general or like famous??? uhhhmmm, if we’re going in general tbh me rad ass mate Jay cause why wouldnt I be looking forward to seeing this kid??? hes literally the best thing or person to see ever, duh! and if were going famous??? uhhhmmm music wise either Panic! At The Disco, TOP, orrrrr maybe a tie between some one from the Hamilton, or Heahters musicals.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

again depends on the situation and people. over all id say yeah in some way.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

uhmmm idk because we’d both probably be shit faced and tumbling over each other screaming, incoherently and laughing our asses off. While simultaneously getting into 20 different fights over cheese, bread, and cats. Then crying about video games and anime. probably in the midst of this we’d be laughing and patting each other’s back telling each other how good of a bro the other is an how we’re gonna take over the world by the sheer brute force of dogs and cats

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

uhhhhmmm i dont really have a type but there’s a guy i like alot whos my dream guy tbh, and to me hes perfect in alot and pretty much every single way. ºuº

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

probably not but its nice to hope and dream c:

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

either rn my friend Casey cause shes in spain this week for vacation or my childhood bestfriend Liz cause her birthday just pasted on april 7th and i havent seen her in years.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

depends on who im with and what exactly kinda stuff were talking about. but im always awkard af with everything so im always uncomftorble.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

mi boi Jay!!~ we tend to get into deep conversation alot. i enjoy it alot tbh hahaha.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

(when i got to this quesion)

 WE WILL BE TRASH GODS!!!~

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

UHMMM pass cause honestly the whole entirety of Heathers and Hamilton pretty much.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

OMFG HELL YEAH I DO!!!!!!!~

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yeah man thats always been something i believe in because i have the most terrible luck but i like to believe miracles have happened in my life.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i started the change in my social life and i got a really rad friend through the beginning phase of it!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

uhmmm ive only done pecks cause im  fucking looser so that was Jay, so hell yeah i would man hahaha! (hes got a kissable face its nice alright, i swear im not this fucking awkward XD) ((and bro i know youll end up reading this. i love ya man!! i hope this isnt too bad lol~))

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

fuck yeah i do bro. i wanna befriend at least one of them tbh.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

not really cause the kid left after 5th grade and i never saw him again,

19. Do you like bubble baths?

fuck yes.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

i dont really talk to them haha.

21. What are you bad habits?

i have alot, talking to much and fighting HARD during a fight, and having the worst timing for smart ass comments, and trying to change things i cant change too much. theres more but thats a good few.

22. Where would you like to travel?

everywhere and anywhere tbh

23. Do you have trust issues?

a bit ive more developed them because of shitty people

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

either shower or the part where i come home and either draw, eat, play video games, get to text my boi, or where i get to sleep.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my nose, the corners of my mouth or my big toes.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

text my friend good morning or get up and play with my mouse for a few minutes

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

i enjoy my skin tone but i wish i could tan ith out burning although, ive always wanted to either be albino or see what its like to be darker.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

either Jay, or my friend Casey

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

nope because i dont talk to them XD

30. Do you ever want to get married?

at some point maybe haha

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

almost but the sides and some of my bangs are just a teeny bit off from making it :u:

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

uhmm not really any tbh theyre all to much older than me

33. Spell your name with your chin.

alyxx/ nyxx

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

ew no but i like swimming and to go on walks for fun

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

thats hard cause i need both for background noise

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

not really, i dont think so

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

something really stupid and half the time really provocative

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

ahhhh hahaha well i dont really know because the guy im crushing on is my dream guy js. and if i were to try and describe him id butcher the amazing and astounding beauty of the real person to be honest

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

ahhhh idk, lush?? and anything with food tbh

40. What do you want to do after high school?

die, or move to salem WITCHever comes first -u0 lol (bad pun i know i know)

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

i belive in ALOT of chances tbh

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

either im tired, extremely sad/depressed, overthinking/ thinking, focusing, thinking how to reply something or im REALLY fucking pissed off at you for something.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

REALLY FUCKING AWKWARDLY AND IN REALLY FUCKING AWKWARD SITUATIONS

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

UHHHHHH BOTH!!!!!~ TF?

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

THE INPENDING FEAR AND DOOM OF CRIPPLING ANXIETY IF I MISS THE BUS OR if im hanging out wiht someone that day the motivation of not being alone in my room with myself for the whole day or so hahaha, or a con/ meet up which applies to friends.

46. What are you paranoid about?

AAAHAHAHAHAHA IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION???? fucking everything…

47. Have you ever been high?

yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?

buzzed not drunk

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

uhhh i dont think so im not really very secretive. maybe like PERSONAL shit but no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

a few times

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

uhmmm either eye color and nose Physically.and personality wise i wish i wasnt so stubborn tbh.

53. Favourite makeup brand?

lush is the closest thing to makeup i use hunny

54. Favourite store?

lush

55. Favourite blog?

@thedevilandhisfiddleofgold​ c;

56. Favourite colour?

Blue

57. Favourite food?

uhmmm theres too many to list, all?? except spicy

58. Last thing you ate?

a cracker with nutella on it

59. First thing you ate this morning?

a cinnamon powdered sugar doughnut

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

nope

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Suspending, accused of stealing shitty locker wallpaper panels. THAT I ACCTUALLY FUCKING HADNT ;U;

62. Been arrested? For what?

nope

63. Ever been in love?

YES ;-;

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

never fucking had one kiddies sorry no story time for this one

65. Are you hungry right now?

kinda i want chips

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

uhm my only tumblr friends are friends in real life so not really because how do you like someone more on tumblr than you like them in real life??? not like its impossible its just odd.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

neither tbh, i only use my facebook for my work schedule

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

TUMBLR

69. Are you watching tv right now?

yes i started 13 reasons why

70. Names of your bestfriends?

jay, casey, liz (ranked most to least interaction and tbh who ive talked to most recently, those other two loosers never text me)

71. Craving something? What?

chips, cookies, FOOD, and love, BUT MOSTLY FOOD RN

72. What colour are your towels?

we have mostly white and black towels but theyre all just multicolored

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

(im also counting my stuffed animals as pillows)

at least 11 tbh

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

(refer to last question)

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

9

75. Favourite animal?

wolf, fox, raven, snowleopard, cat, snake (i cant choose)

76. What colour is your underwear?

black like my soul bitch

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

birthday cake or cotton candy/ bubblegum

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

black

80. What colour pants?

dark grey

81. Favourite tv show?

uhmmmm Voltron or steven universe

82. Favourite movie?

heathers and the crow

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

havent seen the second one (refer to previous question)

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

the lebanese chick and the gay guy that were friends with lindsay lohan’s character

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

thats a hard question cause i love them all ;-;

87. First person you talked to today?

Jay (and caiden???) i sent a message to a group chat right after i woke up, i was pointed at Jay but theyre both in that chat

88. Last person you talked to today?

same chat

89. Name a person you hate?

ahha ahhahaha hahahaha, mmmmm theres alot 

90. Name a person you love?

Jay, Casey, my pets

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

better question… is there not????

92. In a fight with someone?

i dont think so but im aboutabe casue they wont give me times on if theyre coming tomorrow or not ;-;

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

2 and a pair of sweat pants i made into shorts

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

hehehe at least 6 or 7. tbh my attack on titan one has been issing for a while and it makes me sad

95. Last movie you watched?

heathers, im not saying the technical last one cause it was gross as fuck and doe not count as a movie to me

96. Favourite actress?

ehhh hellena bonham carter

97. Favourite actor?

johnny depp

98. Do you tan a lot?

not really cause i burn and im afraid of getting skin cancer

99. Have any pets?

2 guinea PIGS and a mouse

100. How are you feeling?

alright kinda missing my friends and also kind anxious

101. Do you type fast?

depends on my mood, what im typing on,  and about

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

so.. many… things…

103. Can you spell well?

fairly decently i think, average nothing over the top but i try haha

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

ehhh Liz and my friend Julia from Germany she was cool.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

nope

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

there was a girl named shannon who was all over me and head over heels for me, she mightve been a taurus. she tried to use some serious mental shit to try and get me to stay. i told her to seek professional help and not me.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

nope

108. What should you be doing?

a 10 page paper and finishing final fantasy, and getting more loot boxes in overwatch

109. Is something irritating you right now?

not really knowing what to do with my senior paper, shop friends, being alone, and not having enough hours in the day and always being fucking tired.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yes, i do right now, tbh, but its cool

111. Do you have trust issues?

this was already asked. slightly it depends on the person

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

no one, mentally and close to physiccally jay and caiden, but im always mentally crying. i dont physically cry if i do youre special, im not that soft.

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Ash

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

i was born in pittsburgh, pa. i lived in townsend, ma and i just recently moved to pepperrel, ma.

115. Do you play the Wii?

not any more

116. Are you listening to music right now?

not really

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?

YAS

119. Favourite book?

how to make the perfect boy?? (its something like that) i also really enjoyed mrs. perigrines home for peculiar children.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

im afraid of what might be in it

121. Are you mean?

i can be

122. Is cheating ever okay?

ew not wtf

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

probably not

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

kinda but only to an extent

125. Do you believe in true love?

again kinda but only to an extent tbh

126. Are you currently bored?

a bit

127. What makes you happy?

chilling with jay, playing wiht my animal or sleeping 

128. Would you change your name?

i want to, im trying to get Alyxx as my name hahah but i have a genius way to keep ASH

129. What your zodiac sign?

GEMINI BIATCH!!!!~

130. Do you like subway?

yeah its alright

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

uhhhh hahah i already dated my childhood bestfriend. Liz was chill but id kindly turn her down

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

already answered this up top, but Jay

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

hmmmm i have too many tbh, id love to put one here but i cant think of a good one atm sorry my dudes

134. Can you count to one million?

maybe but im to lazy to fam

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

hahaha ive told too many to put those down

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

CLOSED OMFG NO #TRIGGERED

137. How tall are you?

5′5.25″ ( THAT QUARTER IS IMPORTANT ;u;, believe it or not i had=ve alot of friends that are taller than me)

138. Curly or Straight hair?

wavy-ish

139. Brunette or Blonde?

i myself am a “brunette”

140. Summer or Winter?

kinda both

141. Night or Day?

ehh more night but i enjoy both

142. Favourite month?

either, October, November, December, and i actually am not a fan of my birth month may haha

143. Are you a vegetarian?

nope but ive thought about becoming one to cleanse and to get in better shape kinda reasons

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk and white

145. Tea or Coffee?

both

146. Was today a good day?

ehhh kinda

147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers but i wanna try a mars bar

148. What’s your favourite quote?

hahah either

“ another fucking heather! -sighs- Our love is god let’s go get a slushie!”

-JD “Heathers”

( i relate most to the heather part tbh)

  “ill hook ‘em…” “..and ill cook ‘em!”

-Roadhog and Junkrat “Overwatch”

( YEAH I KNOW IM TRASH BUT ITS A PRECIOUS QUOTE BETWEEN TO REALLY GOOD BEST MATES OKAY!!!??)

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

WHOLE HEARTEDLY, IVE SEEN THEM, IVE FELT THEM, IVE HEARD THEM, TALKED TO THEM, I RESPECT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM AND THEY ARE KINDA SLIGHTLY TERRIFYING BUT I LOVE THEM!

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“WOW MAGNUS, you’re probably thinking. That was… stupid!” 

Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard 

[fanarchoslashivist]

In Hot Water

So Jack is BARELY past his eighties when he starts his heat, and he's been through five of them, and no one goes through heat until their first century, when they are technically "legal". He's also one of very few Winter Spirits capable of going into estrus, like Boreas and Pamola. But both of those gods are long faded, so no one knows how to effectively treat a Winter spirit's heat. Spring Spirits have a reputation for being promiscuous mostly because of rumors that they "kidnap" spirits in heat and take them to "secret locations for orgies" when in actuality Spring Spirits are INCREDIBLY protective of spirits with these "fertility complications" and bring them to safe houses away from those who would take advantage of their impairment. To spring spirits mating with someone in their heat without prior magical contract consent is major taboo, these spirits are considered under the influence of their estrus and incapable of consent. Though prior consent can be withdrawn at any time. They even have "physical therapists" spirits who you can contract to help you through your heat prior to starting it. The Groundhog is one, and he and Bunny often disagree with each other over this. Aster believes any mating during heat is wrong, due to inability to withdraw consent, prior contract or no. Although Aster is Jack's primary care provider, being the oldest and most capable healer who can figure out how to treat a Winter Spirit, the Groundhog is Jack's nurse/therapist because he can shapeshift into a tiny groundhog and Jack is at first uncomfortable around large spirits that could overpower him. Aster is worried Jack will contract Groundhog when he reaches age of consent, being a guardian of childhood he considers Jack MAJOR jailbait and is extra protective of a CHILD in premature estrus. But Jack and Groundhog (tempting to call him Pete ) are more brotherly. Aster even asks Tooth to look through her old tooth boxes to see if Jack was once human, since Jack has gone into heat almost twenty years too early. Jack admits he doesn't remember anything before waking up at the lake, so either he is older than he remembers and lost the first years, or he really is premature. Possibly a Winter thing? There are no records of the other two winter spirits, Boreas had some but they were kept with the Library of Alexandria (which had a section just for gods) Jack refuses contract consent every year for the next 200 years, Groundhog knows, being his counselor, that it's because Jack has fallen in love with Bunny, who still thinks of Jack as a child. It's also extra weird because Bunny is Jack's doctor, something Aster and Groundhog both bring up. It's not a hard taboo, but it is considered unethical for a healer or counselor who works closely with a patient to be that patient's contract. Because they can influence the patient's decision outside of heat. Bunny talks about it when warning Jack against contracting Pete, which grosses Jack out, and Pete warns Jack when he figures out Jacks feelings. But until Bunny knows how to help Jack he can't request a different healer. So 200 years of Jack deleriously confessing to Bunny in his heat and Bunny going "yes yes, here, have a tranquilizer" because you don't have sex with a drunk person, even drunk off phermones and hormones. Bunny is 100% against this. Well 90% He may have had… some..dreamms… And a *ahem* guilty hand in the shower. And other places But he is a solid high 70% against sleeping with Jack He eventually finds a recipe for a heat suppressent, its basically birth control. It pumps Jack with hormones that makes his body think he's pregnant. Which is fantastic for Jack because Bunny makes it into this really awesome chocolate. Basically Jack takes them when he begins Estrus, and it halts the estrus. So Jack doesn't have to go to the clinic anymore except to get refills. He and Bunny don't see eachother again for 40 years, and when they do its because of Pitch A hell of a reunion Aster stil has no Idea Jack is in love with him, and is very tense about still being VERY attracted to him. And Jack's entire thought process is : I will use this opportunity to seduce you Step one: help the guardians fight Pitch. (Oops, collecting teeth sidetrack, okay well maybe flirt. Oops accidentally started a contest. Oops forgot the fucking coins! Oops woke the dog. Oh hey, i can show Bunny I'm protective. Oops EVERYONE IS NOW ASLEEP?!) Then Sandy is seriously injured and everything turns serious. Not exactly romantic vibes right now. Then the Warren Oh My God Bunny you have the best house ever marry me. Wow eggs, look at your millions of tiny babies. And Sophie, wow Jack gets a glimpse of Paternal Bunny. He's gone. Head over heels. Jack is going to climb this idiot like a tree. No going back, Jack must have this bun for his own. Aster has no idea what's coming. And Aster is trying not to notice how wonderful Jack is with herding eggs or how he studies their paint and talks to them like they're kittens Then he and Bunny take Sophie home together and they stick all these cute eggs around her room And then Jack hears a voice and they follow it, so Bunny is there with him when they confront Pitch and yadda yadda Pitch taunts them with Jack's teeth which would answer ALL their questions but also Pitch now has magical ingredients to control Jack and Bunny is NOT LETTING HIM KEEP THOSE so they chase Pitch through the lair but they get separated and Bunny is back in his Warren without Jack. And he races to the warren to find the others but Easter is ruined and now there's no way to save Jack Except the eggs they left in Sophies room. They rush to protect Sophie, but find Jamie barely clinging to belief. They gather the two up to take to the pole when Pitch attacks. Bunny demands to know where Jack is, and Pitch laughs and say's he's a little broken at the moment. Pitch taunts Bunny that Jack is trapped in a nightmare living his with worst and oldest fear, and guess whose got the starring role! If you were HOPING to have any sort of RELATIONSHIP with the boy, I'm afraid it's fairly well CRUSHED. But Jack knows its a nightmare, because he knows Bunny, and Bunny would never hurt him. So he fights back, reaching for his magic, even though his staff is gone even though the nightmare is so very real and Bunny's spring powers are melting his ice and Bunny is so much STRONGER than him and it hurtshurtshurts its hard to concentrate but he does and he pelts nightmareBunny with a snowball and Bunny looks so dumbfounded that Jack laughs and Bunny is angry and chasing him but now its just like all the times before, now its a GAME and suddenly the nightmare Bunny looks more like the real Bunny and this time when he is caught its because Jack allows it and they tumble down a snowhill. And when they land Bunny is on top but its different, its okay, and Jack smiles and says he's not giving up, he's going to confess and tell him how he really feels. And dream Bunny asks how he really feels and Jack kisses him on the nose and says "thats for the real Bunny to know." Then he wakes up, and the nightmare sand that was smothering him in that terrible dream is gold and the cage is coated in ice. The poor fairies in the cages next to him are shivering but he smiles at them and tells them he'll get them out. He breaks out of his cage and using his new golden nightmare horses flies over to the other cages, unlocking them and helping the fairies down. They all rush to the tooth boxes, desperate to renew memories of the guardians. Jack tells the dreamsand to go to the kids, save as many from Pitch as they can, and it does, bringing dreams to as many children as it can. Soon the streets of Burgess are lined with children, woken from their nightmares by thoughts of the guardians. They see the fight from their windows, from their yards and rooftops. They rush to the city park to help. Jamie's friends rush to save him and his sister from the nightmares, and as they reach him, covering him and Sophie, as soon as the horses hooves touch them they burst into gold. North, feeling renewed tosses his snowglobes and with the yeti and elves streaming out comes Sandy! They fight and they win, the kids, delirious on their victory, start a snowball fight which reminds Aster that Jack is still missing. They chase Pitch into the forest, who runs into Jack at the lake, taking him hostage. Pitch reminds them that there will always be fear, that fear is what keeps niave, trusting, STUPID boys like Jack safe from monsters. Tell me Jack, when you see your once precious Easter Bunny do you feel safe? And Jack backward headbutts him in the face and says "absolutely" And Pitch is furious, he thought for sure the boy would be broken. His nose and mouth are streaming blood, and he crabwalks backwards He sees movement in the shadows and smiles. He can't reach Jack but he can sow doubt in the rabbit. Tell me Jack, if you don't fear him, what are THEY doing here? And the guardians turn to the horses in the shadows. They step forward into the Moon light, and Pitch is agast to see his glorious nightmares are now blue eyed dreamsand unicorns. They rear up and charge after the fleeing Pitch. Jack jokes that they'll "have to deal with THAT eventually." Sandy floats up to him with a squinty eye, then smirks and shakes his head like "what am I going to do with you" Then Bunny is jumphugging Jack, excited and worried and so very happy. He then shoves Jack at arms length and gives him a lookover, "are you hurt? Tell me where you're hurt" And Jack laughs, his heart is so full its acheing and he feels like crying because theyre all safe and says he's not hurt, he's fine, are any of you hurt? North laughs, saying THEY ARE GUARDIANS, this was childsplay. There was not even any real bloodshed. Which Tooth informs is because she forgot her swords at home Now Bunny suddenly gets super awkwards, keeping Jack at a personal bubble distance, which is fine, Jack can wait for the before credits kiss. Bunny suggests they get the anklebiters home before they pass out and noone can find where they live. Jack is wowed, half the town of kids is there. A few are waving from windows and rooftops. After they tuck everyone in, with Bunny and Jack meeting up back in Sophies room Jack finds the last googie neither sibling noticed on Jamies desk next to his drawings of the sleding incident. On it is painted a winter scene with Jamie on his sled, only Jack is flying beside him. Bunny rubs his kneck and admits that he felt that since Jack helped Bunny with Sophie he'd help Jack. It wasn't right, Jack not having believers. Jack starts crying, and Aster is freaking out SHITSHITSHITIFUCKEDUP Then Jack sets the googie back down and grabs Bunny to kiss him HARD And thats how Bunny helped Jamie believe in Jack Frost (Because lowkey roleswitch au If you didn't notice) And North BuRSTS into the room just like he did during the toothhunt, and Abby wakes up AGAIN and comes bolting up the stairs and Bunny taps open a hole Grabs jack and nopes the fuck out of there Bye mate! Jack howls with laughter. North is left with a barking dog and panicking yeti. They open a portal but Abby follows them through and now she's at the pole And chasing the elves, who made her a sweater and adore her and refuse to give her back. She has a doggy door portal.Sophie once went through it. Oops. like narnia but with a dogdoor, the elves sneak the kids through without anyone knowing. the kids basically have free run of the workshop. (The yeti see them but adore them and so don't tell the Guardians) Meanwhile, backing up, Jack and Bunny are safely in the warren. Broken eggs everywhere, Jack is shocked, and turns to Bunny says he's so sorry, its all his fault for being lured by Pitch. Bunny reassures him that they BOTH fell for the trap, and its not like they could let Pitch keep his teeth, speaking of which he pulls them out of his bandolier. He tells Jack Tooth can help him get his memories back. Jack says that would be nice, but it can wait, everything he needs is right here, and everything he wants is in the future. Bunny looks at their joined hands and coughs, pulling back. Apologizing. When Jack asks why, he explains that he knows what type of nightmare Pitch gave him, and he understands if Jack needs space. Jack puts his hands on Asters forearms and says "look at me. Do you know how I was able to break free? Because I knew, I KNEW, you would NEVER hurt me. Then he kisses Bunny's nose, just like in the dream, and says "I love you." And Aster clutches Jack to him and cries.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i was ready for bed and heard the call of weed again - or what i hoped would be weed but instead was 10$ which is probably honestly for the best in the long run. i probably honestly need 10$ more than i needed weed - and they stll smoked me a few joints anyways. 

but it was good to speak to other people. to regain a sense of my surroundings that is not the little bubble of the 5 streets that seperate my house from his. because ive lived in that very protective bubble for atleast several weeks and although its protective, its not a bubble thats for me. i am just like hitching a ride on someone elses bubble and neglecting my real life because it sucks. and its hard. 

it 3am. and i want to like pretend im going to make some fucking plans for tomorrow an do things but i dont know if i will. i know that this is a very weird way to be living right now and i have to excessively apologize for fucking living in a squat house at this point. it doesnt have to be thiissssss bad. this is stupid. but i dont have the energy to make it any better right this second so im just kind of thinking about it - which is super typical for my life. that describes my entire being. 

the way i would describe this week has been like an rpg video game but like.. in a metaphysical world. like i existed in this world while also in another world of my mental being and continually battling shit that was just .. really stupid and unnecessary. this was like a frustrating shittly made rpg. and the first couple of levels are painfully hard where like its just grinding and grinding to be able to do anything. and then once you get to thing you grinded so hard for its lik the most impossible glitched bugged out boss but you already put 80 hours of your life into it so youre going to find that 1 in a million fucking way to beat the boss that for som reason in itself has like  17 side quests you have to complete before you even touch the guy. 

and its like the people aroud me are shitty people watchng a stream of this video game but all they see is my webcam. they dont see the actual game. they just assume what the fuck im doing or how im doing it or if its hard or not and give me vague advice that kind of rings true to the situation but they have no idea whats actually going on anyways. and like everyone in awhile you get this shitty comment about how you suck or you’re a failure and its like you dont even know what the fuck is happening on the other side here right now because im doing pretty well for the circumstances at hand. 

i dont know if im even at the final boss i think im on the 17 side quests. and like i dont have fucking time for this but i also dont not have time for this because its life or death inside of my head right now. you cant walk away from that its very serious and im stuck inside my head. 

being around other people helped. but like i wouldnt have been able to go out and meet these people for a random thing. i wouldnt. but the way it was set up - and that in itself felt like a fucking side quest to make it happen; i felt comfortable and could sit and just observe a conversation and just participate when i felt like it. i didnt sit and moan about my life at all. i was more than capable of having a normal conversation about totally neutral topics and common interests. most of the time i just listened but listening made me feel acknowledged. lke i also existed because this person was telling me someting and to them in that moment i was important because they wanted to tell me this thing. 

because they wer emore acquaintances than true friends i “knew”, i was also able to regain reality by seeing their own display of personal greivances. if i shared mine, they would have been worse. and times in my head i couldnt help but think you know you guys are actually kind of lucky. these things could all be a lot worse. you have a lot going for your life. but this is life. and they have their own set of problems which weigh heavy on them enough to need to air their issues to people they dont actually know very well. and that says something, regardless. they also feel a sense of desperation in expressing something that maybe theyre not even expressing to other people. 

i didnt take that chance with them for myself though. i was very subtle - or i perceived myself being subtle when talking about the issues ive had lately. im also really confused by these issues - the side quests. because i know these are side effects of the drugs and im panicking about very odd things that dont need such a sense of panic but its bringing to the surface the idea of these problems existing at all. like focusing on not having family. i havent had family for awhile. this is not the most pressing issue but it was killing me for hours on end. and like - this takes up way too fucking much of my day. to be sooo panicked about something you cant even do shit about is exhausting. and then like i project these feelings on to him because i want to share something with him - like i dont even know if i want to share a life with him because im crazy and this is crazy and everything is fucked. but i want something with him and being crazy and too fucked to work / find a job is standing in my way. i have nothing to prove im a functioning human. and im barely a functioning human, honestly. like it is very surprising i am 27 now. thats fucked. 

regardless if i do something or not, things are going to change dramatically in my life in the next several weeks. because i am very sure i am going to be evicted. and i probably very much deserve to be evicted. i owe atleast 3000$ point blank in my life with all my debts, which it could be more - and i have no job and ive spent weeks trying to “get better”. thats terrible. i absolutely deserve to be evicted. i am already homeless and i live like a homeless person squatting in a random apartment i got lucky to find. like this is fucking nuts the way im living right now. and people are witnessing it. they literally have witnessed this and thats pretty embarassing. 

again in my head im like oh yeah im going to get up tomorrow and just go out and look for work. but i havent showered in three days. or eaten anything substantial - out of catatonic fatigue and general lack of care - and ive pretty much allowed the cats to piss on everything i own so i have no clean clothes or underwear. i just let everything around me go to complete shit 

and its funny because i naturally wanted to solve my issues with weed. like a fucking power up to get through the worst of it and i went through fucking everything and everyone to do it. with no fucking money. i made money and still got weed. thats how fucking well i did that. 

and yet.. here i am. this is ... like im the weirdest craziest person to be around. i really think i have to be like pretty up there in craziness. like the perception people must have of me ... if its even a ‘perception’ since its probably the reality but im like .. crazy bitch over here. i cant even imagine knowing me. i cannot even put myself outside of myself and imagine knowing me as a person. i would be a super frustating person to witness in life. i am really .. i dont know. ive existed on fucking nothing. like how did i even do that. why would he even be around me for this long outside of his own craziness. like why the fuck would you even love me. its not even a self pity thing im generally like ... appreciative that i am being loved but wow why would you. i really offer... being a nice person. thats what i got in life. i am a nice person who is creative and like fairly well read & intelligent with an assortment of domestic skills none of which are really top notch but they get you through. other than that i got nothing. i got debt. i got shitty cats that even im like these are probably our last days together. i have good looks which is probably why im honestly getting by in life and have gotten by so far. and that honestly is not even something to gloat on because its not like im super fucking hot. im just a good looking person. like slightly above average. i have a pretty nice body as well but i dont keep in shape in anyway and am frequently malnutritoned. ive also completely scarred probably 70% of my body which is very obviously done by me. so thats always fun when youre about to fuck someone for the first time. and i mean.. im not even that into sex. ive been called a tease more than once because i allowed my good looks to give me what people were offering me when i knew it was because of my looks. i wanted something, but i wasnt interested in them. 

i have no formal education and dropped out in early highschool - like very early. i dont drive. i dont have a car ad defiinitely could not afford one. i dont even have a bike. i cant afford public transit most of the time. im a nice person, you know. i’m caring, sometimes to a fault. i have potential to give a very serious kind of love to the right people. but thats it. thats what i have to offer a person in a relationship with me. thats what i have to offer in a life with me. i mean, i dont even have real interests. i watch documentaries. thats honest to god my biggest interest and has been for months. its like a fucking hobby in some ways. i watch guys playing video games on youtube - a lot. i dont even play video games. i honestly dont know why im fucking watching it. this is totally unnecessary and ive done it openly and just fallen asleep peacefully. why? thats so weird. thats such a weird thing to do. i smoke, alot. i smoke a ton of weed. thats one of my worst qualities. i cost a lot of money and make .. none. the amount of money ive cost other people is probably in the thousands and that was out of kindness. just so i could exist. but i know it does help me. it helps me cope and to leave it behind with no coping skills is really unhelpful to my life. 

so where do i start? probably by going to sleep. waking up at some decent hour - its almost 4 now so i hope for 10, but this is just spewing dreams in alot of ways. i could wake up and continue to lay in bed for hours. somethng simple like stretching - which i honestly really need after this anyways. taking a shower. trying to clean my house. find money, just.. keep finding money and money resources. thats the best i can fathom right now. i want to say ill find a job but thats so complex of a hurdle i just .. i can successfully find money in trade for simple labor. not a job. fucking.. eat food. i have food. i literally have food to eat. i just need to get back ... i dont know. somewhere. back in myself. 

tommorow will be the beginning of the final battle right now. there will be more battles, more shitty rpg games, but this battle will be finished soon and im getting back to real life. real fucking life. 

[alysiumvenus]

Are you “with” the very last person you kissed? yes =) 

Ever dated/kissed a someone with the name Casey, Tyler, Ryan, Jordan, Colton, Rebecca, Samantha, Lauren, Taylor, or Ashley? nope 

Was your last kiss, standing up, sitting down, or lying down? sitting down. 

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made? Most of them yea 

Are you excited for anything? Moving out 

Do you hate the last person you kissed? why would I hate him if I’m with him?

You’re stuck in an elevator with one of your worst enemies, what do you do? try and get out . I don’t care if I hate them or not . I hate small spaces .

Will this weekend be a good one? I guess . I mean brett will be over so =) 

Are you mad at someone right now? EEHHH kinda 

Do you like to listen to the radio in the car? No . I like listening to my own music . No ads and it’s more relaxing 

Do you sleep with a fan on? When it feels like I’m fucking dying of heat stroke . And if I had a fan .

How is your hair right now? rats nest. 

Have you ever broken up with someone for someone else? Yes 

How many windows are open on your computer? Two 

How tall are you? 5′6″  thats tall “for an asian girl” 

Is something bothering you?  LOL a lot of things are bothering me. 

Have you ever taken a shower with anyone before? Yea ?

Have you ever laughed at something that wasn’t meant to be funny? HAHA ya . It was an oops on my part . I didn’t know what to say and for some reason I started laughing .

Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex “Fuck you”? Yeup. 

Do you like to cuddle? I love to cuddle . 

Have you done anything sneaky lately? Nah man .

Is your hair clean? Second day hair 

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling? last night ? No. The heat was unbearable 

Were you happy when you woke up today? LOL i’m not a morning person so no. 

What are you drinking right now? air 

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? When I’m driving . 

Does someone have feelings for you? other than my boyfriend, idk 

Have you ever been cheated on? too many to count 

Are you hard to please? sometimes . I can be stubborn 

What are you craving right now? bubble tea 

How are you feeling right now? irritated . Thats why i’m doing this 

What are you sick of? Oh god . The list is endless 

Are you missing anyone/something? yea 

Relationship to the last person you called? it’s a doctors office 

Could you date someone shorter than you? already did bruh . Height shouldnt matter in a relationship. 

Is there anybody you just wish would fall of the planet? yeup 

Do you wear glasses? /sigh yeup 

Where did you sleep last night? in my bed 

Do you straighten your hair? rarely 

What color shirt are you wearing? black 

Do you have a best friend? sure do 

Do you wish you had the chance to go back in time and change something now? nope .... okay well one thing 

Who is the last person you got a text from? my boyfriend

Are you excited for winter? I’m never excited for winter 

When are you at your happiest? When I’m reading or doing something I love or when no body annoys me .

Is there anything you wish you did today? Why haven’t you done it? fucking apply for school . Tried to do so online but for some reason, the classes I wanted to apply for don’t offer online application so now i actually have to go to the school. 

Do you prefer to spend your time indoors or outdoors? indoors. But such a big homebody . but if my stuffy room gets to be too much I go outside. 

What were you doing before you started this survey? posting an ad on kijiji .

Can you honestly say that you love yourself? no

How many people have you kissed? none of your business 

Do you just feel awkward when you dance? in front of people, yes. 

Do you think you spend too much time feeling upset? I used to . 

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance? OH YA

Do you own a pair of uggs? ew. no

What are your plans for tomorrow? go to work, get my pay check, go to the bank and pay back my boyfriend.

Has the person you have feelings for ever told you that you’re attractive? yes =) 

Can you get over people easily? depends

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? No. No matter what the reason/excuse, cheating is NEVER okay.

How was your weekend? it was nice =) 

Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? yes 

How do you feel right now? eeehhh ok. 

Do you hide your feelings or show them? depends 

Do you like to have long hair or short hair? long hair but short hair isn’t that bad. 

What is the last thing you cooked today? I don’t cook but I’m teaching myself

What do you always take with you? my phone. 

Last person you drove around in a car with? Kaye I believe 

Do you think relationships are hard? of course theyre hard ! A lot of hard work but all worth it in the end .

What are your plans for this weekend? get some shit done . 

Any friends who are constantly venting about their significant other?  hahaha

Have you ever been ice-skating? yeup. I was a figure skater

Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep?  yes . OMG so relaxing

Have you ever seen an albino person, in person?  No actually

Do you like Fuze drinks? What drinks ?

Did the end of Hamilton make you sad? the fuuuuck... what?

Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? yes .

Do you obsessively apply lip-gloss or lip balm?  No but I used to

Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents or someone else? LOL ya . 

Do you think you’d have what it takes to shoot someone if you had to protect yourself? Honestly, Idk. Can’t really tell because I’ve never been in that situation . Cross my fingers, I never have to be in that situation.

What’s your most noticeable flaw? lol lets not get into that

And what’s your best feature? dunno

Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? Yea, when I was camping . 

When you can tell that someone’s lying, do you call them out on it?  heh, sometimes . Usually I just sit there with a big grin on my face and wonder if they can taste the bullshit coming out their mouth. 

Have you ever hallucinated? Yes 

Do you find serial killers fascinating? The fuck ? no

Do you like Musicals? I do . 

Is your hair damaged? beyond saving.

Do you live with anyone that you try to avoid at all costs? Sometimes .

Who was the last person you threw out of your life? My ex and my ex best friend. 

Are you wearing socks? No . I rarely wear socks in my house .

Do you regret something you did yesterday? Naaah

When was the last time you cried? hmm havent cried in awhile so I can’t remember.

Why were you crying? frustration

Whats the last thing you ate? this dish i ordered off skip the dishes . It was fucking delicious .

What kind of bottoms are you wearing? pink shorts.

What do you hear right now? my tv and Toshi meowing.

How many hours did you sleep last night? 4

In the past week have you gotten sick? I always get sick =/ Ugh 

In the past week have you felt stupid? yes

In the past week have you got your hair cut? no but I was thinking about it

What were you doing at 9 AM this morning? on my phone and trying to do school stuff

In the past week have you felt sad? yeup .

Has someone disappointed you recently? oh ya 

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? pfft the fuck. of course. 

If you could pack up and move, would you? yea! I fucking hate living where I am now. 

Do you hate when people smoke around you? no? I was a smoker so I don’t mind it. 

Who have you texted in the last 24 hours? my boyfriend and people from my work.