#it just feels so permenant and i don't know if i want it to be but it's not like i'm going through with this blog anyway

[thetangycheesemanwithaplan]

Why are they dressed up at the firehouse? (my theory)

TL;DR: Chief is going to run for mayor-Bobby is promoted as the new chief- Hen promoted to captain of the 118 permanently

The only time we've seen them dress up in their dress uniform is for either a funeral (Kevin) or for a passing probation celebration (Eddie). Now I would imagine dress wear would also be worn for any sort of commendation they'd receive for their hard work. But this is not something we've seen (although they deserve it) yet and honestly i don't think it would be a general like award for the team because the only thing that's been big enough to maybe warrant ceremony would be the cruise ship and the Chief would not give them a commendation for this. One because they went against orders and two because he's already stolen credit for it. Plus there at the firehouse and I feel like something like this would be done somewhere more public (like a city hall or something) but if the ceremony was only specific to one or maybe two people it would make sense it would be held at the firehouse. I'm also ruling out funeral cause I just don't think its that and theres no one to celebrate a probation with

I think it'll have something to do with the Chief and with Bobby. Now we know the Chief is gunning for the mayors job (politics oh boy) we've seen this in the way he's handled the incident with Hen (and the guys connections who he was protecting) and also in the way he took credit for the cruise ship rescue. Like Chief reeks of politics and so I feel like he's setting himself up to move into running for mayor (or any role within politics but Maddie made a comment about the Mayor soooo this is the path i'll choose) And I feel like Bobby is at the point in his career where moving up would make sense (I don't see him retiring ever). I feel like the chief has approached him and offered him the role of chief. I think they set up a ceremony with the ruse that Bobby will receive some sort of commendation for his years of service with the LAFD and so everyone has gathered for what they think is to celebrate bobby and it is just not in the way they think.

Chief announces he'll be running for mayor(moving to politics) and that in the transition period that Bobby will be being promoted to chief. Everyone is shocked but everyone is clapping and celebrating, Bobby get's up and makes a speech about his time at the 118, how they'll always be his family and that he's leaving them in good hands. Bobby then announces that Hen will be captain. This is a complete surprise as Hen wasn't expecting but then Denny, Mara and Karen appear and join in the celebrations as the news sinks in. Bobby steps down and says to Hen the job is hers only if she wants it and Hen accepts.

Also we get Ravi full time on the A shift as a fun little treat

Thanks to @buck-up-buck and @whollyjoly for letting me ramble. I also ramble in the tags XD

[sour-screaminginagony]

GUYS II AU MAYBE???

UHH SO BASICALLY YEAH WHICH DRESS SUITS MIC BETTER? I'M THINKING PURPLE LMAO!! I JUST REALISED I MISSPELLED 'KYOKO' AND FUCKING WROTE 'KYOKA' SCREAMING 'why is Test Tube Sayaka and Fan Kyoko?' I dunno. why not. Lets just say uhhh Test Tube thought that Fan was far too 'immature' for the job and he obviously felt offended., also Fan always knew about Magical girls (Magical Objects?) and had always wanted to know more abt them + be one. How'd he know? I dunno. This is for fun, I'm not think all too much. I haven't watched madoka magica in awhile sorry!! Kyubi is MePhone4 because I said so!! KyuPhone4!!! Permenate bfdi smile like how Kyubi is always doing that :3 face!! A high tech robot thing that can regenerate itself because I said so!! also the uhh the green haired girl? The one friends w/ Sayaka and Madoka? Soap. 'Why is she Soap?' BRO IDK LEAVE ME ALONENEE!!! AUUUUUHG!!! The boy that Test Tube and Soap like is uhhh hmmmmm.., Candle. Candle. And instead of the violin, Candle plays the harp. Because harp's are majestic and awesome like Candle. 'but Sour! Soap and Candle have literally interacted!' RAREPAIRS. THEIR NAME IS NOW SANDLE. GO AWAY. Knife is Mami because like why not!!1! Instead of Charlotte or whatever the little pet thing's name is, it'll be uhh uhh Dora doll or something idk. also to kinda explain Taco basically the first few times "Madoka" died, it wasn't Microphone, but Pickle. After awhile of going back in time to save him, he just.. Didn't show up one day for school. The day Taco was enrolled. Instead, she decided to befriend Microphone because she just kinda put together that if she stayed w/ Pickle, he'd keep dying. (I don't know how it works <3) She thought if she befriended somebody else, Pickle would be safe and so would the new friend! Because why the hell would she coincidentally also become a magical girl and die!!1! Idk bro, the universe said 'he's had enough' and yeah lmao. The last thing Taco would want is for Microphone to end up like Pickle, so she's doing everything in her power to prevent Mic's death!!

Other variations - FEEL FREE TO DRAW THESE!! just @ me if you do :3 Variation no, 1 Pickle - Madoka Taco / Microphone - Sayaka Knife - Homura Microphone / Taco - Kyoko MePad + lil MePhone4 / MePhone4 + lil MePad OR Fan + lil shimmer alien thing - Mami MePhone4 again <3 - Kyuubi (i forgo how to spell it) Variation no, 2 Knife - Madoka Trophy - Sayaka Fan - Homura Cheesy - Kyoko Pickle + tiny Taco - Mami ??? - VAriation no, 3 Lightbulb - Madoka Test Tube OR Fan - Sayaka Paintbrush - Homura Fan OR Test Tube - Kyoko Marshmallow + ghost Bow - Mami urghh tired VArioanti no, 4

Fan - Madoka Lightbulb / Taco - Sayaka Paintbrush - Homura Taco / Lightbulb - Kyoko Test Tube + Bot - Mami 5. Fan - Madoka Paintbrush - Sayaka Test Tube - Homura Lightbulb - Kyoko Suitcase - Mami

[doberbutts]

You mentioned in response to another ask that you don't use "transandrophobia" because the trans theory you were taught by trans women told you that "transmisogyny" covered those things and that is a total revelation to me. I've been thinking for a long time that it seemed to me that the idea of transmisogyny *does* cover transandrophobia, it just impacts trans femmes and trans mascs differently a lot of the time. But I had no idea that there has been theory/discussion that says this. I'm more used to the idea of "TMA" with the implication that only trans women are affected by transmisogyny. Is that more of a new thing and transmisogyny used to be considered as a more broad term? And would you trace that change to the same issue you're talking about with a lot of current feminism forgetting how feminism is also a "men's issue"?

Idk if I would call it "new" per say. The word trans-misogyny was coined in 2007 and did not include trans men, but the book in which it was coined did mention that language was likely needed to describe the trans man experience as well. There have been a number of different attempts, but none have really stuck.

I went to college starting in 2010, so roughly 3 years after Serrano coined the word. While in college, my school's GSA wanted LGBT elders to come and talk to all the scared freshly-minted adults who were trying to figure out this being gay thing. The woman who ran my GSA found a Trans woman who was willing to be my mentor and sponsor, she wrote my letters for me back when that was still necessary for medical transition, and we met frequently for her to teach me more or less how to be trans safely. Some things she did not know- how to bind safely, how to attach a semi-permenant packer, etc. But others she knew very well, because she herself dealt with both being seen as a man by society as well as the effects of testosterone on her body for decades before she transitioned.

Anyway. This woman was great, and is a significant portion of the reason I'm still alive to this day. And she is who taught me the word transmisogyny, and that it should really cover all trans people because all trans people experience an intersection of transphobia and misogyny. Whether that was popular theory at the time or not, that is what us young kids learned directly from the mouths of trans women at my college, which to me means that others were also learning this particular version of transfeminist theory.

Unfortunately by the time I dropped out of college in 2013/2014, online trans spaces were having stupid arguments such as "transtrenders are bad" and "neopronouns are bad" and "nonbinary people are cis people who want to feel special" and "trans men should be hunted for sport" and "trans women are incel nazis" and. Well. I went "wow this place is a cesspit and I feel like no one here has actually talked to another transgender person face to face" and then did not engage with the online community. So I don't really know how common or popular the understanding I was taught was at the time, though it certainly seems quite rare now.

(As a caveat I don't really think trans people of any gender have anything that isn't similar with each other when it comes to oppression, outside of certain bodily things that can't be helped because that's literally the thing we're transgender about, and I think we all experience very similar oppression but sometimes with a different hat)

As for what caused this particular defining to fall into obscurity? I really can't say. I don't know how popular the transfeminist theory the trans women who spoke at my GSA meetings taught us actually was in the broader world. Every once in a while I meet someone who lived through that same time who remembers that theory, which tells me it had gained at least some traction if it was being discussed in multiple parts of the country, but... that's really it. And it's pretty unpopular theory nowadays, I get people calling me a scumbag and claiming that I say transmisogyny doesn't exist just for mentioning that the theory I was taught includes trans men in the discussion.

But I don't think it's specifically the whole TMA/TME thing. I think it's a lack of understanding of what oppression and what intersectionality are, how they operate, how they work, how we define things through them. There are many people who believe that men do not experience misogyny. But, they do, that's why it's an insult to a boy to call him a girl during a moment of femininity or vulnerability, as a means of calling him weak because girls are believed to be weak. There are many people who think intersectionality turns oppression into additives, as though stacking marginalizations like dnd buffs. This also falls apart because oppression is not like quick math where you add a +5 to every roll if any part of your identity is privileged and a -7 if any part is oppressed.

I've had people get mad at me for saying that straight people experience homophobia while we also have sitting politicians that make jokes on live TV about how they'd drown their (presumably straight) children if they found out their kids were gay. For saying that GNC cis people experience transphobia when butches are getting kicked out of bathrooms and drag queens are getting jumped in bars. For reminding people that when Sikhs are killed due to being mistaken for Muslim in this country that hates Muslims over a national tragedy our Muslim population did not cause, it's still considered and called Islamophobia, because just because Americans are too stupid to tell a Sikh from a Muslim doesn't mean they weren't spurred into that hate crime by their rampant hatred of Muslims and the sight of a turban and long beard.

[lilydaisylily]

I Love You (Finale✨️)

Hey lovely readers!

This is the final part of the series and I really hope that you'll like it🥹

It took me some time to finish this series because of work and life, but yeay me as I manage to write this until the end (with blood sweat and tears added🥹🥹)

✨️Enjoy✨️

All right reserved.

✨️Like. Comment✨️

❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

The day of your departure has come and there's a teeny-tiny hesitation pooling in your heart when you're walking towards the departure gate. Your parents already give you the green light you've expected and getting on a plane is the next right step to do, well, according to your plan, that is.

"We'll miss you, babe. Have fun. I'll deliver that punch I've mentioned right after you leave, so don't worry. *smirking*"

"Heal your heart, y/n-yah. Don't worry too much, okay?"

Mingyu and Wonwoo both give you a bear hug, squishing the life out of you. Beth, on the other hand, just quietly sticking herself right next to you since in the car until now, never letting you go.

"Do you have to go that long? 1 year is a very long time, y/n! What will happen to our weekly sleep over if you gone this longg? Who am I supposed to hug when I sleeppp?!" Whining cutely is what Beth do best for as long as you can remember, and it will always get to you every single time. You hug her, saying you won't go for long and she can hug Wonwoo every night if she want, not that that shy boy will refuse anyway.

You hug your best friends one last time before stepping into the departure gate, waving them a goodbye. You take your seat and make yourself comfortable for your upcoming long flight journey.

*

The cold air greeted your skin once you step out of the airport along side with your luggage. This is it. This is what you've been wanting to feel for awhile now.

Your busy schedule always dragging your ass back to the office whenever you wanted a break but none of it will happen this time as Rebecca confisticated your laptop and assure you that 'work can come bite you later', following with her wish for you to have a wonderful holiday.

The weather is so nice today that you can't help but to grin excitedly. You glance at your watch to find out it is still early in the morning. Maybe you can grab something to eat before your chauffeur arrive.

Not long after you contemplating on what your breakfast will be, clad in a well fitted uniform, a man in his forty come close to you and introduce himself as Phillip, your designated driver during your stay here. Phillip is also one of your parents' people as you've seen him at some of many balls you've attended when you're young.

You greeted him politely and Phillip help you to load your luggage in the trunk and drive you to your place while exchanging small talk with each other.

The place that you'll be staying in is medium in size where it is a cozy place to live for one person as yourself. The house that you chose are surrounded with lots of flowers and trees and the most important feature of this house is its wide backyard where you can see a vast blue lake as your permenant view everyday.

You settle yourself in in no time and while doing that, you just can't help but to wonder what Seungcheol is doing right now. Does he know that you're gone? Will he come to bring you back? Does your relationship with him really has come to an end? Are you really ready to let him go fully?

*

"I'm telling you for the last time, LET ME OUT OF HERE! Seungcheol will come to get me and you guys will be dead meat, just you wait!" Jessica shouted for the nth times to be let out from this foreign room that she just woke up into.

She just leisurely strolling at the mall when a sudden blackout happened and the next thing she knew, she's in this room, with her hands tied up to the bed post.

"LET ME OUT, YOU SON OF A BI-" Her shouting is left hanging when the door are unlocked from outside.

"Cheol? Cheollie baby? Is that you?" Jessica called Seungcheol's name anxiously, hoping that it really is him to save her dear life from this place. From outside of the door, it took a hell lot of self-control to not directly kill the very woman who started all this mess.

After calming himself down, Choi Seungcheol finally step into the room, staring at his prey with a lethal expression.

"Baby! You've come to save me! Please, this rope is killi-"

"Who is the baby's father?" Seungcheol question her while eyeing her already visible baby bump. "Of course this baby is yours, Cheollie! Whose baby am I willing to carry if it is not yours?" Jessica answered him confidently, well atleast that is what she thought she's doing.

"Baby, please believe me! I will never lie to you! This baby really is yours! Soon, we will be a wonderful parents together! Isn't it wonderful?"

Her dazzling smile soon turned upside down when a sudden interruption of a man coming into the room as per Seungcheol's signal to enter, bringing along a bag of medical equipment, a similar sight of when one have to draw blood at the hospital.

This scene is making Jessica squirming in her seat and a panic cold sweat slowly claiming their place all over her body.

"Cheollie, what is he doing? Why does he wanna take my blood? Don't you trust me?" A very obvious crocodile tears starting to come out from Jessica's eyes, in hope that it can touch Seungcheol's supposedly soft spot for her since they are together few months back.

"We'll have that trust talk after the DNA test come out. You better start praying for your life because once I found out the truth, you'll know what it means to fool me." Seungcheol's words is like a verdict upon her and she's starting to struggle helplessly as the man with the needle come close and ready to pierce the sharp tools into her skin.

"No, no, NO, NO! Don't come near me! Get away! GET AWAY, YOU SON OF A BITCH! Cheollie, stop them pleasee!! No, don't!" Her scream doesn't affect the man as two more burly men come to make her stay in her place so the blood can be drawn out quickly.

"NOOOOO!"

*

You are enjoying your breakfast in a small cute cafe Philip suggested when a person calls out your name.

"Y/n?"

You turn around and found a familiar figure within your eye sight.

"Hong Joshua? What are you doing here?" You eye him with amusement as he takes a seat infront of you, making himself comfortable while ordering a cup of coffee for himself.

"Well, a little birdie told me that you came here for a holiday so I thought maybe I should go too, considering how heavy of a dark circle I have here." His smug smirk is making you laugh and seeing it makes him crack a warm smile too.

"Well, what a well informed little birdie you got there." His little humor cheer your morning up alongside with your caramel latte.

"You've cut your hair."

"Yes I did."

"Its beautiful, it suit you very well"

"Why, thank you for the compliment, Mr. Gentlemen. You're not bad yourself."

"Why, thank you for the compliment, Ms. Looks good in everything."

A serene silence engulfed both of your being, leaving just a quiet clamour coming from the cafe staff and other patrons in the cafe as your background melody.

Joshua just stares at you for quite some time. Something is definitely brewing in his mind, you suppose.

"Are you okay now?" Joshua ask while stirring his warm coffee.

You can just offer him a smile for an answer. Its only been three months since you are here and its quite difficult to say that you're fine in this kind of situation.

"How long are you planning to stay here, y/n?" Question two.

"As long as needed, Josh. As long as needed." You stare at him, wondering why exactly is he here.

As if he can read your mind, Joshua answered your question without having you to ask, "If you wonder why I'm here, then the answer is simple." He cuts his pepperoni bagel, stab it and lift his fork to your mouth, which you happily take a bite and savour the taste.

"I just wanted to see how you're doing. Plus, I'm doing my little birdie a favour to look after you on his behalf."

You just continue chewing as you've got a hunch on who's the little birdie Joshua is talking about.

"Why did he send you here, Josh?" You ask.

"Because he's worried, I think?"

"You think?" You snorted at his respose. Joshua is a very amusing person you've known so far, well, beside your besties of course. His way of thinking is very, well, peculiar. Plus, it's unique too, in different circumstances.

"At least I think so. Jeonghan doesn't even bother to bat an eye on his request so it's kinda become my job to carry it on." Joshua innocently spitting out the clue on who's this little birdie is and you've got your precise answer for it.

"Why should he be worried about me? He already got himself a baby and a grown ass crazy women to take care of yet he still wants to play Mr. Goody two-shoes? How benevolent of him." Talking about this in the morning makes your mood sour for various reason and you try your hardest to not roll your eyes because of it.

You're trying to finish your breakfast as soon as possible when Joshua started to talk you out about the situation that you and Seungcheol are currently in.

"Well, about that, I actually wanted to tell you something important and I really need your full attention this time. Can you hear me out first? We can stop if you don't wanna hear it, so no worries." Joshua wait for your respond eagerly, and a simple nod is all he needed to carry on.

"Okay, I'll make it as simple as possible for you."

Joshua start off with the dr*g issue that Jessica gave to Seungcheol which lead him to be a s*x maniac and slept with her. The problem where it only applies whenever Jessica is around still remains as a mystery as none of the experts knew why and how did it work that way.

Moving on, he told you that a blood DNA test has been tested and it turns out that the baby is really not Seungcheol's. While making this statement, Joshua paid his full attention on your reaction and much to his expectation, a sign of relief and solace gradually taking its rightful place in your entire being and Joshua glad that he can convince you in hearing him out.

"What happen to Jessica then?" You asked.

"Well, this is the part where my little birdie have done a really good job, you see. He finally put that menace of a women in an asylum where she should be in the first place. That women is crazy mad. I really don't know how you put up with all of her antiques all this while."

You just smile and finally breathe out a breath of contentment after finally knowing the truth behind what had happend between you and Seungcheol.

Speaking of the man, shouldn't he be the one to be present here and explain all of this mess to you?

Why did he sent someone else to do so in his place?

While you're in your own thought, Joshua fish out his phone and send a text to someone.

Joshua: Hey man. Just explained the whole thing to her like you asked. She seems to took it positively, thank heaven. Should I move on to the next agenda or you'll just come here directly instead?

Seungcheol: Thanks man, I owe you one. Nah, just stick to the plan. I'll meet her there.

"Are you done eating? Any plan after this?" Joshua asked, ready to plant his next move.

"I usually take a walk around the park nearby after breakfast. Wanna join me?" Your plan is perfectly match with his and he swiftly paid for both of your meal before leading you out of the cafe.

*at the park*

There's a lot of people around the park albeit the cold morning weather. The faint sound of people talking and laughing has been your serenade for the past months you're in this place. It soothes your mood and calm you down, a slight dose of serotonin for your well being.

"You okay?" Joshua asked as he looked at you for the nth time already. It seems off to you as Joshua looks kinda nervous for some reason.

"Why wouldn't I be? Besides, the question should be mine to ask, though. Are YOU okay? You seems, off." Your eyes started to wander around to see if there's anything that triggered Joshua's anxious behaviour. And right on cue, you've found your answer at the end of the pavement.

Stood tall is the mighty Choi Seungcheol, looking sharp and handsome as ever, warmly clad in his navy overcoat which you love it on him everytime he wears them, a clean wolf cut hair that again, is your favourite look on him, and what more do you have to describe this man? He's basically the most perfect man you've seen all your life.

"*ahem*. Like what you see?" Cheeky Joshua mode, on.

"Shut up. Care to explain why is he here?" Your eyes unwillingly move from Seungcheol to a smirking Joshua who suddenly pull you in his arm and give you a light squeeze hug that seems to be his encouragement for you to face your battle in a short while.

"Before you punch his perfect face like your dear giant friend does, do hear what he's going to say first. You'll be unwilling, I'm sure. But as your friend, I really think that you are perfect for each other. So go and talk to him, end whatever sad drama you are both in because me and Jeonghan really cannot stand a sad puppy Seungcheol anymore, seriously."

He release you and look you in the eye and continue, "whatever the outcome is, we will still be there for both of you so I hope you'll make the right choice. Okay, love?"

"Thank you, Shua. We will." You smile at him, thankful for his words. Joshua pinch your cheeks lightly before turning to Seungcheol, nodding his head as a que for him leaving you both alone after he's done with his part.

Seungcheol took a wide step in his way to you and he stand right infront of you in no time, thanks to his blessed long legs.

You just stand there, staring at his beautiful black orbs. There's a very obvious dark circle under his eyes, proof that he didn't sleep well these past months.

As Seungcheol finally have the courage to look up at you, he can't help but to gape at you for your hairstyle change. You look ethereal in styling your short hair, pairing with his beloved cream colour on you. In the next second, he find himself magnetically pull you into his arm, holding you tight as ever as he missed you so so much that his chest hurts everytime he thinks about you.

"I missed you so so much, love." His tears starting to fall when he finally felt you in his arms for the first time in months.

"I'm so sorry for whatever I've done to you, to us." He starting to sob as he hugs you tighter, closing to merge both of you into one.

"I messed everything up, love. I don't want to lose you, y/n. I can't lose you or I'll lose my mind. Will you give me a chance to explain?" It took you a while to give him your answer and Seungcheol began to panic.

"No, Seungcheol. There's nothing to be explained anymore. Shua already told me everything, I- "

Seungcheol felt like his heart stopped beating when you denied his plea to explain. His hugs around you becoming tighter as he whisper his pleading desperately to your ear. "Please, love, please. Please don't do this, y/n, I beg you please." Seungcheol suddenly on his knees while tears falling from his eyes like a broken dam, kneeling in despair.

You are shocked with his action and quickly mirror his move to be on your knees infront of him. You cupped both of his tear-stained cheeks and look him into the eyes before leaning in for a kiss.

Your delicate warm lips softly meet his plump one to stop him from crying.

"Love, listen." You whisper without distancing your lips from his.

"Shua already told me everything on what's going on and I've made my decision." Without waiting for you to continue, he shook his head vigorously, not liking what he thought he's about to hear from you.

You smiled at him, kind of expecting this behaviour from the love of your life.

"Cheollie baby, let me finish my word first, please?" Seungcheol stopped his action once he heard the endearment nickname from your mouth, light slowly taking their place back into his eyes as he saw a slight ray of hope from you.

You pull Seungcheol off the ground to stand while holding his hands before you continue.

"I know we are both a victim in this drama. I've done my part in investigating what's going on as well. Jessica has been on my back for years, trying to drag me down in the muds. She will try to make a mess in whatever things that I do and try to take anything that I hold dear, knowing it will hurt me."

You stopped for a moment and caressing Seungcheol's cheek before continue.

"You are the one that I love with all my heart, and I knew that she will do something to take you away from me. The situation becomes a mess and it shooked my entire being when she said that she's pregnant with your child. My heart shattered on that spot I'm standing that day and I feel my soul was on her last straw to remain in one piece." Your tears starting to flow down your reddened cheeks when the images of Jessica caressing her stomach popped up in your mind.

"My heart stays that way since and I took a flight here, treating it as a way to piece it back together eventhough it might take some times to be healed again. Turns out, after what Joshua told me, I felt like air starting to fill my lungs, letting me breathe normally again without me gasping for one."

"Oh, baby. I'm so sorry for what I've done to you." Seungcheol pulls you in his arms again and caressing your back affectionately. He kiss your temple while saying 'i love you' in between and you tighten your hold around his waist as you breathe in his familiar masculine scent that you missed so much.

"I love you, Choi Seungcheol. I love you so much." Your confession is making him broke down in tears again as he feels his heart becoming full with you filling the empty gap.

There is one more thing for him to do and he's determined to do it now. Seungcheol suddenly on his one knee for the second time today with a completely different reason from the previous one while slipping his hand in his pocket to search for something.

You are flabbergasted with his action and eyeing him with curiosity on what he's going to do next although you might already know what is his upcoming move will be.

A small black velvet box coming into your sight once Seungcheol pulled it out from his pocket to be presented infront of you. He open the box slowly to reveal it's content and you can't help it but to gasped emotionally, covering your mouth with shaky hands.

"Y/n, I know this is so sudden but I think I'll die if we ever be seperated again. I love you and will continue to love you for every beat of my heart, until death do us part. I can't stand without you by my side ever again. I'm sorry for what I've done to you and I'll spend the rest of my life making up to it if you ever let me. I can't promise you the stars but I'll try my hardest to pick one for you if ever you desire for one. Will you marry me, y/f/n? The guy who is completely and madly in love you?"

He waited for you to answer his multimillion question and you can't help but to nod your head in agreement, happy tears streaming down your already damp cheeks. Your answer made Seungcheol to taste the air in his lungs again as he somehow forgotten on how breathing actually works.

He beams and smile radiantly after you say yes and swiftly put the big fat diamond ring on your finger before you change your mind. He get up from the ground to hug you tightly with claps and cheers from your surrounding spectators as a background melody, cheering for another happy ending for your love story.

"I love you, y/n. Thank you giving me your forgiveness. I'll never let you go ever again."

"I love you too, Cheollie. I'll love you until the end of our time."

✨️the end✨️

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Finale

[ironman-tonystark]

Fair points. I cannot understand or imagine the pain you feel. And I dont blame you for being upset with Bucky. You have every right. Your trauma is your own. To be honest I always felt like I could connect to both you and Bucky because of trauma. Especially due to being stripped of humanity with being forced to bare part of your trauma on your body as a symbol of your suffering and damage ie. your arc reactor, and Bucky's metal arm. Because I had 2 heart attacks and was given a permenant defibrillator. Seeing you turn your arc reactor into the iron man suit's power source and bucky use his metal arm for good made me realize im not just a medical patient or a walking case file but im what i make of myself. So i want to choose to be good and see good in people.

Since you were so open and vulnerable with me, I'll do the same for you. I don't actually hate Bucky. I am well aware he was being mind controlled when he killed Mom and Dad. I am not even really angry at Steve for not telling me about it. Honestly, if I was in the same position, I probably wouldn't have told me either, because it was better when I didn't know. Me knowing doesn't help anyone. There are things we're both actually upset about, but we're all doing our best to move on. But saying that; it's hard to see the man I saw choke my mom to death every day, and I think it's hard for him to see me every day when he's carrying around the fact he knows I saw that. So our coping mechanism is snarking at each other and telling each other that we hate each other. We say things to each other that are only okay because we don't really feel that way. It's the way we vent out that pain we feel. I do not like other people talking to Bucky the way I talk to him. I will be the first to step up and defend him. Which is why it's pissing me off a little that people are sending him such fucked up shit on anon at the moment. Everyone here needs to remember that you all do not know us. When people come to us on anon, there are no in-jokes. We're here on Tumblr to shit post not get deep about our trauma with people whose motives we don't know. We're not here to act as therapists - if you have real issues go speak to real people. We're not here to date random Tumblr users or sext with them. We're here to make jokes about being superheroes.

[rainbowcarousels]

Why yes I think about it ALL THE TIME and now you have me crying in the club on a Tuesday 😮‍💨 How they’d been each other’s rock for the longest time and the center of each other’s worlds, only to have it taken from them when they needed it the most. How their very foundations were ripped apart (again in Armand’s case). And I know this is verging into fanon territory given that we weren’t exactly given a solid explanation in the text but it’s also worth considering how much Armand’s near dead experience informed Daniel’s delirium and state of mind. Armand was everything Daniel knew and all of a sudden (and as far as he knew), he was gone. And Armand had his one baby, his only child, completely go off his rocker while he was unable to do anything about it, only further cementing his believe that if he ever loved anyone enough to bring them over, he’d fail. Anne was truly cruel for that, even though she made up for it in the end. We only got a few glimpses in the last trilogy, but they seemed at such ease with each other, with the same familiarity between them that’s always been there, that I’d like to think they’d already talked about their pressing issues at length (enough for Daniel to move in with him I mean), and all was well 🥹 xoxo DA

I know it's fanon but it just lines up so perfectly for Armand's death to be at the very least a tipping point for Daniel. We know Armand is not in a good place in Memnoch, he's not really taking care of himself, he's in a fragile state and this just screams post-break up to me. I think @desertfangs has them break up in London just prior to Memnoch and given that would align with what we hear of Armand haunting London in that time period, it feels like it should be canon so I'm counting it as my personal canon.

The thing is when it comes to Armand and Daniel, this would be what, less than a decade after Daniel was made? They're still figuring out how their relationship has changed and how to function in this new way or adapt things. I think you can see the shift even in QOTD where Armand wants to push himself into the teacher role as Marius and probably Santino had been for him and if you look at how he talks and treats Daniel right afterwards, you can see shades of his relationship with them both in his tone and actions as if he's trying to figure out what sort of teacher he is all the while thinking it's only a matter of time before he realises he got what he wanted, he'll leave and Daniel does leave.

I don't think that was the reason - I think communication between them decayed without the mental link between them where he found himself second guessing Daniel's words when Daniel's words are often at odds with his actual thoughts and Daniel had been so used to him knowing that and not having to explain himself that it was bound to cause a blow out - but I don't think it was meant to be a permenant break so much as playing into the pattern of running off for a bit. As a side note, it's also why I think Marius makes such a big thing of Armand being able to hear B&S: he knows how hard it hit him and Daniel to lose it.

I do think Daniel does still have this certain wide eyed delirium that probably comes from having very powerful blood so everything is overstimulating, a long overexposure to the blood as a mortal, being made under circumstances that were not the most stable and getting floored by Akasha all in his first week or so as a vampire. A need for some time apart was probably always going to be on the cards, I think Daniel needed to at least try to show he can survive without Armand even if he's struggling because survival seems to be the mark of a successful fledgling but then, as in a lot of VC, Lestat Happens and all hell breaks loose.

(I am fond of the idea that Lestat's last memory of Armand going as he was pulled away got screamed to the vampire populace and this was in fact the specific tipping point.)

So I think when we get to the point of Daniel's delerium being severe it's Grandpa to the rescue, it's a side effect of struggling with his own delirium and the loss and grief he's feeling so he just retreats into his own worlds he can set up and control and make them beautiful because the world out there feels like empty chaos and he's lost the person who guided him through the chaos (or so he thinks at the time) and at least part of his withdrawal from the world to do his lil crafts was done deliberately to get away from his grief. It's just that once he's done that, it's a lot harder to find his way back again.

And I feel like this is the crux of the Armand issue: from what we know in TVA, I genuinely do not believe he knows Daniel's not really doing well and I do think it's something he learns later so I think there's this swing between 'Daniel wasn't here when I felt broken and I had to pick myself up but I'm his maker, he doesn't have to take care of me, it's his perogative to stay away if he can't stand me any longer' to 'Daniel needed rescuing and he's always been the one to do that, he'd always been the person taking care of him and he'd have tried if he knew, would have dropped everything in a moment to do it' but by then, Marius had stepped in, they were settled, he wasn't going to throw that out and for better or worse, he knows Marius can be devoted to caring for broken boys and seeing them get back up again.

But none of that logical line of thought shakes the fact there is a chunk of his life, especially once they get back together, that Armand had no connection with other than being part of the breaking point much as I think Daniel leaving was part of his. There's these big things that happened and while yes, I hope they talked about it, it's not the same as experiencing it and I think when they're ready to show that in the blood, to share that level of pain and deal with it as a shared sadness and experience, it'll be agony but they'll come away with a stronger relationship for it.

It just won't change the fact that he had a second chance to do it right this time with Daniel where he had failed before, to not be a blunt object seeking practical solutions and prove he can in fact take care of people without destroying them. He does still get this in Benji and Sybelle to a degree, but I think the fact he didn't get it with Daniel probably weighs on him and he can't help but call it back to his own feelings of abandonment as well as what happened with Nicki and even Claudia. He's trying so hard in the modern age to make caregiver be a huge part of him and to be seen as somene who keeps his children safe and even if Daniel was safe at the time, I can't help but think it would bother him that his own firstborn had to be cared for by someone else and that maybe Lestat would be the only person he would really admit this to because he would be the one to understand it. That it was love, not the lack of.

Sorry for the sudden essay DA, it turns out Armand is not the only one with a lot of feelings on the matter!

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Hello Dear <3 I'm going to try to answer as many of the asker asks :D

My favorite fic of yours - Definitely has to be 'Life is short so make it sweet'! The way you build up Curtis and Honey, their relationship, their dynamic, the worldbuilding. I love all of it, even though I'm painfully behind on chapters. I also really loved Wilfords Demands when I read it on ao3. The story blew my mind and I still remember the moment I found out you wrote it

My favorite chapter in my favorite fic of yours - All of them?? I can't choose! All the chapters I read from Life is short so make it sweet were so so good. Maybe the one where Honey and Curtis have their first date? I remember this especially well

The best character you've written for - Curtis! No questions asked. You are the (from me personally) proclaimed queen of Curtis writing

A fic I haven't read yet from you, but I want to - The Pack series. Alpha Steve and Little One have crossed my dash so many times before and some of the glimpses I saw sounded so good. It just might be a tad too tense and angsty for me I fear

Something I remember vividly from reading one of your fics - it's not a memory per se but a feeling. I remember how giddy and happy and bubbling with excitement every chapter of Curtis and Honey's adventures made me feel

What I like the most about your writing - You have an incredible way with words to describe the surroundings and inner thoughts of your characters. I really enjoy your descriptions

A fic I didn't expect to like so much - Wilford Demands. I'm not the biggest fan of dark stuff and usually don't enjoy it but something compelled me to read Wilford Demands. Whatever that was, I'm grateful for it because the story sucked me in

<3 <3 <3

ALLY! the fact you left me so much is making me really tear up. You don't even know how much this made my day.

Life Is Short So Make It Sweet is so incredibly important to me, more then I think I even realized what it was going to turn into, so to see you mention it and give it such a shoutout makes my heart so happy. The first date (which are you team Curtis that it was Paulies bar or team Honey and it was under the stars?) was scary for me to do! Im used to just having characters kind of together, the whole build up for them was almost a daunting task but damn glad I did it.

I love Curtis, I just want to give that character so much of my effort and time. I know he isn't considered 'the popular ones' but when I first watched him, he claimed a permenant place in my mind. It became a goal of mine to give him something good in some way.

I get the hesitation in reading The Pack. It has a heavier storyline and isn't for everyone. Those two go through so much and fight for everything they have, it doesnt always have a happy story. (BUT WE ARE NOT DONE YET, WHO KNOWS!)

Wilfords Demands. Man that series just... took a life of its own. It wasn't supposed to turn into the series it did, but it was meant to be. I still remember going over it and thinking "When did it turn into this?" cause it was really just supposed to be a few stories of dark smuttiness. I wish I could have seen your reaction when you realized it was mine. Lmao.

Thank you, for all of this and what you do for this fandom. I am so lucky to get to know you through your stories, our messages and crossing one anothers dash. Keep shining babes!

[golbrocklovely]

how are they always looking for an editor? and its always for sams half of work?? maybe dont write a novel on how people should do your work and then someone might actually want to work with you🤷🏼‍♀️ just a thought.

well last year it was just them editing. i think they had one person help them for some videos (or maybe just a handfull idk) but they never found someone permenant.

my guess is that sam micromanaged too hard and either the person quit or sam was like "you're not doing it the way i want you to, so goodbye."

and giving directions or notes on what you want the thing to look like… i get it. i'm a perfectionist too. but if you have to give literally 20 pages of directions, that means either you think the person is an idiot, you hired someone that isn't qualified at all, or YOU MICROMANAGE TOO MUCH.

snc (sam mostly, let's be honest here) have made it abundently clear that they want to have creative control over how the videos look, and that's fine. but if that is the case, and somehow you can't teach someone to replicate what you do, then you yourself HAVE to do it, especially if you're not gonna compromise at all.

which is why, again, i think they should take colby's part and train someone to do that instead of the creative aspect, that way they still have control over it and can do what they want without having to train someone in excessive detail.

i mean this with no disrespect towards sam but two things i have noticed about all of this: a), he truly thinks he does the most difficult part of the editing and b) he's really leaving colby in the dust with all of this nonsense. i mean, he makes it seem as if he's doing so. much. work. when in reality he is given a somewhat finished product by colby, who actually has to sit thru HOURS of footage and piece together a storyline that makes sense. and all sam does is add on stock footage, music, sound effects, and some basic text - which god knows are all in a folder that he's been reusing for years now - and making it seem as if he's going above and beyond that to finish the video. my issue with that is both of their parts are crucial, i will not argue about that (even if i downplayed what sam does as a joke). but sam has alluded that sometimes he goes back thru the footage colby edited down and adds more stuff in. so it's no fucking wonder he feels like he does more when he can barely trust colby to make a storyline and edit down 6-8 hours of footage.

and not only is colby doing that, he's pulling out parts and making videos of that extra content and putting it on xplrclub. sam doesn't touch the footage nine times out of ten after it was filmed. tbh, i think they both do about the same amount of editing, it's just one of them likes to act like they do more.

and sam is leaving colby in the dust with all of this bs. first off, he's gonna be burning a lot of bridges if he keeps searching for an editor that can replicate his style but is also someone he has to micromanage the whole time, or has to give 600 notes too bc god forbid it isn't up to his standard. like, i get you want the product to look good in the end, but clearly you either have too high of standards and are expecting too much or you're just a shit teacher and don't know how to train someone and thus are ending up with an editor you don't trust and product you don't like - which are all YOU problems. and the part that doesn't make sense at all to me is…. why is colby the only one, in the end, doing the editing? is he supposed to find an editor on his own? or is he expected to do his part of the video so sam can go off with his gf and do whatever? bc highkey it feels like the only reason colby is stuck editing and doing his own share is bc he doesn't have a gf that he has to look after bc she gets scared of her own shadow or can't be alone in their gated community mansion.

let me just rewind a bit bc i think i got slightly off topic lol

personally, i get sam on some aspects. i get wanting something to look exactly the way you want it too. i get being a perfectionist, having an idea of what you want something to look like, and not taking other ppl's advice or critiques when they give it. however, you also have to know when to just accep things as they are. and if you can't, then do them yourself. but don't get upset when you end up doing everything on your own.

if you want an editor, train someone to be your editor. don't hire an already experienced editor just to be pissed when they do things differently than you. and if you really have to give 100s of notes or 20 pages of directions………. you gotta tone it down a bit. you're not making movies, you're making youtube videos for christ's sake lol

[roseguided]

𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐋𝐎𝐏𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐁𝐄𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌 𝐁𝐄𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐄𝐃 𝐈𝐓. it had certainly been more than unexpected as irulan expected to spend the rest of her life married to a man who would never spare her a second look, a kiss, to share himself with her like she hoped for in the beginning. for the longest time afterward, with the realization what the next ten years of her life would be--once thought forever, she scolded herself for having such hope. paul could never love her, grow to care for her, yet how could have she been so wrong ? even still, this was new. it wasn't on defied or even permenant grounds. she needed to be careful, she needed to press the subject but only when it felt the best. when he was in a good enough mood & now, with paul hovering over her with desperate, impatient hands is not that time. even so, her mind is too distracted. too filled with desire, with the feeling of his skin against her own or the kisses she's given to her mouth. & to them, irulan puts the feeling to memory. puts feeling desired, needed, to memory in case this too is taken from her in time. paul meant this, didn't he ?

@warspun said, " I KNOW YOU'RE BEING A BRAT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE CHOKED. "

his words bring out a small chuckle from the impress, a grin to press against her swollen lips that give everything away about her intent on acting bratty. of trying to provoke him into doing something she wanted. ( irulan had never been the best for asking for things. so used to being denied, to being expected to do something rather than what her wants were. ) ❛ & what if i said i was, hm ? ❜ she prods him with an arched brow. their bodies are pressed close to one another, but not void of clothing completely just yet. a nightgown keeping her from skin to skin contact. they share the same air so close to one another, her blue eyes looking into the same colored ones. ❛ i don't want soft, paul, ❜ she tells him, parted thighs resisting the urge to wrap around him if only to have him pressed as close as possible with this barrier of clothing between them. hand lifts to rest palm to the nape of his neck, fingers messing with curls. ❛ i want to feel your hand around my throat when you fuck me. ❜ how would such words effect him she wondered ? ❛ i want to feel desired, needed. i don't want the soft, romantic stuff. not this time. ❜

[badcountryofficial]

Googoog gaga

I AM sad a little abt how vitriolic I've been here because he always had a fear of being "exposed" and that's not even what I'm trying or wanting to do I just want to talk abt shit that happened and maybe mKe him feel some kind of real remorse but who knows if that's even possible atp. Anyway because I know him and how vindictive he is I'm sure upon seeing any of this his response would not be "fuck..goddammit...you're right 😔 I fucked up and hurt someone I care abt..😔" it would probably be anger, further solidifying the permenance of this scorched earth nuclear breakup lmao.

And I get sad because, EVEN STILL, part of me just wants to have a goddamn adult conversation abt all of it!! But I'll be like "now ive ruined those chances..💔" but man why is it always up to me to be the patient understanding one and he got to lash out and hurt me over the stupidest goddamn things lol.

If it was WORTH coming back to at ANY point he'd let me have my rage and still be able to be adult but it's not and he won't and THAT is what I need to get into my head. Fuuuuccckkkk lol. Even now I don't wanna post abt it because I don't want him getting anything from me or my reactions but the person I loved literally more than anyone hurt me for 2yrs and lied and continues to do so still and I have to say SOMETHING yk. Goddammit. What the fuck lol.

[secretlywritingstories]

We got an email that a colleague had passed away. Usually, if there is an email about a death, it'll be someone who's been long retired but still mattered to the organisation and thus warrents the email.

This was someone from another department whom I've met multiple times. Never exchanged more than a couple of words but still seen him around a lot. He was in his mid-60s and we assumed it was probably a stroke or something of the like that claimed his life since the email said it was a sudden death.

The following day, I learned it was a different type of sudden death. A suicide. They didn't want to put that in the email that was sent companywide but one from his department told a closer colleague of mine. It's not a secret, but I can still understand the difficulty to put it into words for all to see.

And I just... I've met multiple people who've struggled with depression or sucidial thoughts (mostly online but also some people irl) but to my knowledge I haven't ever had someone I know pass away from suicide. And it kind of silenced me for a moment.

Some kind of deep sadness roaring from inside my belly only the sound was trapped. The emotions were trapped. His family had to identify the body. There was notes left behind. It's an open and sut case.

But I saw him just before my holiday. He was walking around on the halls. He was well-liked, he was a veteran in the business, and now he's just gone. I don't even know if I'm allowed to feel emotionally affected by it, as just a distant colleague but I do.

We found out right before lunch, so we headed down like normal. Took our food like normal. Ate (even though the food felt kind of bland in my mouth, which it definitely wasn't because our cantine is amazing). Conversations across the table like nothing happened.

And it didn't really. This won't influence my life. I didn't even have any work relations to our late colleague but it still leaves a hollow when someone goes (regardless of reason but a death is permenant).

I was quiet but thankful for the chatter. It gave me something else to focus on and a couple of them started talking about their young children and pottytraining and it just reminded me that life ends but it also begins.

Jobs don't love you when you're an employee and the big machine will move on without your cog, even if it might sputter and grind until a replacement arrive or it finds out how to operate without you.

But the other people, your colleagues, they notice. They care. We're all human first and employees second. And someone is going to miss your smile, miss working with you, miss your jokes, miss existing next to you for so many hours out of the day.

They'll even miss you if you only ever exchanged a few words when they passed you on the hall.

[dyst0p14-n]

I don't really know who I am yet.

Ever since I learnt to string together coherent sentences, I've always liked writing like these little introduction entries. Whether it be in a new notebook, online, or even in my stories, I love being able to talk about myself. I used to think I was egotistical, so I just kept these entries to myself, but I've grown to realise it's less of a "I love myself to bits" thing, and more of a "catching up with myself every once in a while" thing. I think it's important to check in on yourself every once in a while. You know, to keep yourself from totally losing your mind and ending up in a psych ward. I mean, I'll end up in a psych ward regardless. What I'm trying to get at is hi, welcome to my little online diary. Fair word of warning, I have a lot of issues and I've seen literal porn on this website, so I'm not exactly worried about my posts being taken down if I talk about actively cvtting myself (I'll like censor my words just to be safe). Trigger warning for every single trigger under the sun: svicide, self h4rm, eating "this order", mommy and daddy issues, substance abuse, just to name a fun few. Obviously, my whole life doesn't revolve around that stuff (it absolutely does, I'm just gaslighting myself), so it's not like all my entries will be suicide letter after suicide letter.. or something. I might post it in the future though, so look forward to that!

ANYWAY, hi. I'm Amelia (people also call me Jemma if they're feeling funky), I'm 16 as of the 31st of March, and I'll be treating this as my diary. Basically decided on making this on a whim, so I have no clue whether I'll be writing here every day, or just once in a blue moon, time will tell. Honestly, I made this account to commemorate me surviving this long. I never imagied I'd make it to 16, and yet here we are. I didn't plan on making it this far, and I really don't have any plans on what to do with myself. I'm kinda at a loss. Before, it's just been a countdown to the day my candle goes out. Now, I wake up confused. What am I doing here? What is there for me? Is there anything for me out there? Everyday is a question. A question to which the answer is unclear, but I can make an educated guess that it's either drugs, money or death. Maybe all of the above.

I guess theres a few things I like to do. I'll get into detail in a later entry if I feel like it. It's getting pretty late.

I draw sometimes. I used to only do digital art, but I lost my apple pencil and have been too embarrased to tell my mam, so i just switched to permenant pencil drawings. I actually prefer it. I used to hate it because I was really bad at anatomy and using a digital drawing program let me rearrange the limbs as I so pleased. I can't do that on paper, it forces me to practice and get better. And I'd like to think that I have. I understand muscle structure a lot better. Perspective, and all that jazz. I also bought a watercolour set recently, so I've been messing around with that. It's pretty fun!

I also write stories. A lot of them. I'm actually in the process of writing the pilot episode for one of my projects; It's called "All-in". Its about this snobby rich girl who is running an illegal underground gambling ring who meets this depressed traumatised orphan boy who's part of a gang that is trying to take down the mafia and is constantly on someone’s kill list, he accidentally drags her into his business after his brother is kidnapped and the mafia thinks shes affiliated with him and she is now on the kill list as well. He is under the impression that she doesn’t want anything to do with any of this, not knowing she has a criminal record of her own. It's a whole thing, I won't bore myself by explaining all the small details. This is my diary! It exists for my leisure and to let out everything on my mind! I'll leave the work to work hours.

Another major hobby of mine is volleyball. Officially, I'm a setter. In reality, I'm a bench warmer. I haven't been playing very long. Maybe a year and a half. So naturally, I suck at it. I still have a lot of fun with it. Maybe i shoud become a professional volleyball player if I don't end up killing myself?

What else is there about me.... I listen to a lot of rock and metal. All sorts of varients of the two. Really, I like all genres of music, these are just my personal favourites. I also listen to a ton of vocaloid. It's been a staple of my personality since 2016. If youve been here since before i repurposed this account (which, I doubt you did), then you'd have seen my entire page was FILLED with Hatsune Miku stuff. Big fan.

I watch a lot of anime. My favourites are FMA, Soul Eater and Assassination Classroom. I also have a manga collection that is worth over 450 quid. Some might say thats a waste, since I'm poor and could use that money to feed myself for a month, but food is temporary, wasted female lead potentional is forever.

I'm gonna gp to sleep now. I'll add on whatever I can think of when I'm back from school tomorrow.

...

School sucks dick.

-amelia

[cyanidefilledcandy]

I apologize for how long this likely will be and how rambly it likely will be, but I just feel like I need to get it out.

I just got a call from my dad that my aunt passed away. I'm sad of course....but maybe not as sad as I should be? Mostly I'm just angry...

I couldn't sleep tonight...even on medication, I was up every hour or so, until I got the call and I knew immediately someone had died... Someone unexpectedly once again taken from my family....at the same time of year around the same time of morning...

For the past 4 years, I've lost someone close to me....always around the same time. (And even before that... It's like the cirmustances are always the same.)

August 2008, I couldn't sleep for more than a few minutes no matter what. Then my little sister woke me up around 3-4am and told me my grandmother, who she and I both lived was gasping for breath and she couldn't wake her up.

A few years later, August, I went to visit my great grandmother, someone I grew up seeing everyday, because she found out she had a deadly illness for years that her doctor didn't tell her abour and again 3-4am, we got a call she passed away.

2018 was when things got kicked into overddrive. 2018, I lost my maternal grandmother around Thanksgiving....after being so excited to be able to spend Christmas with her after years of only seeing her once or twice a year. 3-4am.

I lost my cat a month later; a year later.

I've always been more or less accepting when it comes to death...

Even as a toddler, I was always acutely aware of it, scared of it, its inevitability and permenance. At 4 years old (maybe even younger), I had nightmares of Death, coming after my parents, me. Of inescaple apocalypses and definite countdowns for me and those closest to me. I thought about far more than any child likely did or should, but when it happened, I'd mourn and then move on... fairly quickly. My paternal grandmother's death definitely changed me in some way. She was the person I was closest to and nothing out of the ordinary happened the day before. She did the exact same thing we did every year. She drove around got things ready for my sister and I for the beginning of school the following day. And then....she was gone. I felt grief...deep grief, but maybe not as deep as I should. I was sad. I mourned. But then I was numb...

And I have been ever since....

With every new death from someone I love, grew up with and was close to, upom hearing the news, I'd mostly just feel numb, maybe cry for a bit and then more or less carry on.

That is until 2021 when my little sister died after guving birth. Nothing in the world could've ever prepared me for burying my little sister. No amount of the death dreams I'd had or even my worst nightmare where she was actually killed in front of me instead of us just waiting for could've prepared me for that being a reality. As always, I couldn't sleep that night no matter what (though that's hardly anything new these days), and then....at 3-4am, I heard my dad on the phone with my mom and found out she was gone....after giving birth a few hours earlier; after being mostly fine during that time.

I've never had a death hit me so hard and I don't think I'll ever recover. And it changed me deeply and permenantly as a person....somewhat for the better, mostly for the worst.

For the better (which is honestly the only thing other than wanting to be happy before I die), I decided to try and make time with those I love and get better about communicating.

Family has always meant a lot to mw, but I've always been an extreme introvert. I've always enjoyed my own company. I've always been not super affectionate. I've always hated talking on phones (it's nearly a phobia). And at family events, I'd say hello, and disappear soon after because I never know how to behave around people. I've always felt awkward and have been told I make others feel awkward, so I'd rather just not be around them. I also severely hate driving (again, to the point of nearly phobia) that I don't unless I ABSOLUTELY have to (and sometimes not even then). This all got worse when I got severely depressed in my late teens and with the social awkwardness came anger and iritial irritability, as well as anger for at my family for more reasons than one; so I isolated further.

But I said, I would get better about communicating with people and....in a way I have, but not enough...

I still avoid phones calls, except every now and then with people I know will keep me on the phone a long time. (My aunt was such a person.) And I've always been bad about calling people, somewhat the reason above, sometimes because I'm usually so depressed that I don't want to ruin anyone's mood, but mostly because I'm just super forgetful. I'd been thinking of calling my aunt for the past few days; just to check on her and always either forgot or didn't because the time didn't seem right. I also had two mugs she'd ask me to get her from California that I never seemed to have time to drop off to her. .....and now I can't and this why I'm so angry.

At myself. Literally what the fuck is wrong with me?

When my sister died, I had been wabting to spend Christmas with her and my niece, but got hit with such a bad depressive episode that I felt I couldn't deal with anything. I had also had a possible exposure to COVID and didn't want to risk her or the baby...but the depression was the real reason. Then came the next when she was supposed to give birth. She asked me (begged me) to be with her to deliver; but I mostly thought she was joking because she joked like that all of the time. I planned to, I really did, but the depression was still horrible, plus I had anxiety about driving as well as trying to help my sister with a toddler, a new baby, a likely destroyed house because her BD was useless while I barely had my own shit together.

And then she died. Alone....something she always said she didn't want. She always saidbshe wanted the chance to say goodbye to her family.

And I let it happen....because I couldn't get over my bullshit... She thought the world of me and I couldn't even be a good big sister, as much as I've always tried to be.

And now, here it is again, I've lost two more people who I couldn't be assed to communicate with. My great aunt died last November and now my aunt is dead the following January....

And my mom has lost a mother and daughter and my father, a daughter and a sister (as well as both parents years earlier) and I feel like I should be doing more to comfort them and....I just don't know how. I've done my best to communicate to them to please call me if they need or want ro, but other than that...I just don't fucking know what else to do. Other than visit them, which I do try to do, but still not nearly enough.

And I'm just the worst person during grief because I don't know what to do, and I'm too emotionally distant and numb to be of any help.

And concieted since this post is about nothing except me bitching about myself and my feelings.

I've always felt like a shitty person and people would always ask me why.

This.

This is why.

And on top of that, I'm just... mad at the universe. Like I said, I'd missed a LOT of time with family because if work....most of my adult life, in fact. I was working to try and make things better for us all, true enough, but at the cost of actual time with them. And the MOMENT. The moment I decide to let that go and am actually EXCITED to spend a holiday with them (I haven't been excited about holidays in decades), it's like they all start dropping.

My grandmother, my cat, my sister, my great aunt, my aunt. And always around this time of year....August-January....a time of year that used to be my favorite. Warm holidays spent with family, lots of family birthdays (including my grandmothers, grandfather, sister, niece, and now nephew), my birthday, and just I love fall and winter in general. Now it's just a time of my depression getting worse and death. Everything about this time has been tainted and ruined and my mind just keeps asking, why now? Why this time of year? Why nearly always that time of night. I know it isn't a curse, and yet it feels like it. My family are good people. They have their flaws, but they're ultimately good people who try to do good by others, yet are still continously dealt shitty cards.

And it's made worse by the fact that most of my family photos, especially those of my immediate family (my mom, full sister, dad, and me) are pretty much all lost. Some because my mom lost a storage unit and others because my grandmother's house was left to rot after she died. (I literally went one day to find some of our family photos thrown in the yard like a pile of trash and that broke me way more than her death did.) I saved what I could and then they still wound up lost after I moved states. My sister had some of them in her apartment but they were all gone when we went to search her apartment....I can only guess her PoS BD either threw them or took them for no reason at all because it's not like he cared for my family or even my sister if we're being honest.

If anything was left in my grandmother's house, I'm pretty sure the tornado a couple of days ago finished it off...

It feels like my family isn't just dying; it's being erased.

So, I'm just angry at everything, especially myself. I just want to crawl in a ball and disappear or just swallow a bottle of pills and be done with it all. I don't want to do that to my parents, but I know I won't survive hearing something happened to them.

[qnfarc]

Hello legend it's so late rn so if you have notifs on this is my apology note but let me know how the bookstore went today!! Or if you ended up seeing anything you liked / bought 👀 I had a little look at my reading list (it's my 10 year old ipads iBooks app full of downloaded pdfs. I update it like every 8 months from my folder of screenshots of anyone praising any book ever) and I have a few extra little recs if you ever find yourself stuck for something. I say that like we both probably don't have 100s of recs already but ignore that fact.

The most promising to me looked like "the elephant in the brain" which talks about hidden motives in everyday life (according to the synopsis 💀). I do enjoy a good insight on the mind now I will say big enjoyer. I've got some Carl Jung books in this list as well but I feel like I need to get back in the habit of reading before I start biting off those pieces. It's gonna take every brain cell in my head to pull together on it and I just don't have that capacity rn bye. Another sexy read looks to be "permenant record" by Edward Snowden who basically worked for some national intelligence company and a few years back leaked some fucked up tracing shit they were doing on consumers. Gotta love being reminded about my internet footprint, god I hate the thought. Might be practically common knowledge in that book at this point, not sure but it sounded promising! On a fiction note I'm like 2/3s in (on/off for the last literal year) "the babysitter" by Phoebe Morgan. I quite like it, it's weird to read something in first person but you get used to it quick enough. It's about a girl who was babysitting (we're all shocked) who got murdered on the job (now we're actually shocked) and basically following the case, but following one suspect more than others. I can't say if it's actually going to be predictable or not because I haven't got there (and at this rate I might never make it) but it's an easy read and an enjoyable one!

Bye I wish I had this knowledge in the morning for you this is so sad but I hope you picked up something good for yourself! I love the idea of getting a rec like this and going off and reading it's so sweet 😭😭😭 I wish I had more to offer you here and not just the vibes of books goodbye but hopefully something in these recs strikes your fancy. I know I said this earlier but literally flood with me with as many recs as you want, it might take genuine years but I'll read them no doubt 😼 I actually really need to cut down on my screentime these days (I hit 9 hours this week in one day 💀💀 and I don't want to know how, I'm blaming Spotify podcasts. I'm gonna find out it doesn't count time when the screens off and just genuinely scream) / expand my ever depreciating attention span once more, so reading sounds so sexy rn 😍 enjoy the upcoming weekend legend we got MCC day up and coming. I also hope the internship slaps so far, I'm so excited for you!! I'm wishing you the nicest coworkers, supervisor, manager, the chefs working the cafeteria, the whole team I hope they're lovely and make your time even more enjoyable!! I will catch up properly with you soon, I actually started responding to your ask from like two months ago today 😭 I'm really out here causing us the biggest time delay in conversations it's unbelievable, but I will chat to you soon legend!! Have a good day <33

Hello hello, no need to apologise, always happy to hear from you ^_^ I went very nicely, package was basically presents for my friends but I did end up finding and buying Almond! Walking around in bookstores is a trap for real tho, I had the urge to buy such a big stack of books and start reading immediately. Definitely took some photos of titles to look around online for them, buying from websites always will end up cheaper than in actual bookstore after all. Thanks to that gotta get reading vibe I got I finally got around to cleaning up somewhat and adding stuff to my reading list on storygraph account I made a long while ago and it ended up being 200+ positions and that's definitely not all of them even 😭 I'm such a book collector tbh I love having physical copies of books but I also always fear I'll end up not liking what I bought and waste money... Seeing photos of other people's bookshelves filled with manga or books always makes me want to spend so much money and have similar sized collection 😭 I'll add all your recs to my tbr and definitely read them at one point! I'm also big fun of psychology and mind insights! Similarly horror isn't really my thing but psychological thrillers? Yes 😍 I'm struggling with finishing Girl on the train for a year or two now... It's alright, just not a big fun of how much antagonising each other there is between female characters when chapters are from their povs like understandable but also tiring to read through in my experience. I also really like the idea of giving someone book, music or any other recs, it gives me quality time love language feel, wanting to include someone in something, it's very sweet! I definitely will end up giving you more recs especially cause it's summer so still more time to indulge yourself. Especially cause I often just get a little overwhelmed with how much different interesting media there is to consume, like books, anime & manga, tv shows, movies, games and so many sub genres to all of it, gives me "WOW creation!!!" feeling! I really need to cut down too, mostly yt but the moment I actually end up opening twt or tiktok it ends up such a big time consumer when I could get some nice reading in (I also end up reading fanfics from recs but still some actual books couldn't hurt 💀), definitely would appreciate longer attention span. I also spent longer than usual on genshin with new areas opened to explore for summer event, looks very nice and time really flies when you play 😔 There was MCC yesterday🧍🏻‍♀️...I completely forgot, literally remembered somewhere around midnight and checked twitter to see who won. Feeling conflicted cause on the one hand I always have my fingers crossed for George win but if he and his team ended up winning that one MCC when I forgot about it I would feel so annoyed 😐 Also heard there was some drama with noxcrew and dream and I try to be fair but when many players end up voicing displeasure over glitches in games or the way games are constructed than throwing it all as just biased complaining and hate is definitely not what I would expect from people who should care about feedback and enhancing the players and viewers experience, very immature move in my opinion especially with community that is so vast in people with a lot of knowledge about mechanics and creativity to resolve issues or propose ideas for modyfing games. And thank you, it pretty small team so everyone is understanding and nice, definitely enjoyable so far! After I read what was going on in your place, I'm so happy you had opportunity to get away from that quick, definitely more stressful environment than it should be! I also had opportunity to work remotely so I could go home for some time and finally have opportunity to go to hairdresser on Tuesday so maybe I'll fulfill my ideas of changing hair colour for a while, dark purple sounds kinda fun and cute 🤔 And no worries, take your time, it's always worth it to read your thoughts ^_^ Have a nice Sunday and week sunshine 💛

(also sorry if I answered twice, last answer didn't want to publish and I didn't save so I ended up having to type it out again, hopefully it'll work now)

[hiilikeanimelol]

⚠️important please read⚠️

OK so unfortunately over the weekend I was kicked out of my house and had to stay with my grandparents, as u can probably gather from this home life is a bit shit atm.

A brief explanation of what happened is that my parents seem to forget I was physically abused for the first 12 years of my life and that if someone grabs me and screams I will go into panic mode and beg them to not hit me, it doesn't matter who they are I will panic.

Because of this little issue I don't know how active I will be on here for a bit. I won't give a date as to when I will return like normal but I am going to step back while things return to some sort of normality. I also have exams so I'm getting my last bit of revision done too.

Want to mainly focus on my mental health atm, still 3 days clean of SH but I feel an eating struggle coming back as I can control that and not home (again everything is a wreck)

This isn't a permenant goodbye its just a 'see u when I'm in a better mental state ig x

[silver-handed]

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